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Sometimes, Ruki wondered what it was like to go through life and not battle a constant sense of self-loathing. If it was possible that some people could actually look in the mirror, could look at the work they had poured their heart and soul into, and not find fault in every detail. If it was, he envied them.
Living every day with whispers of his worthlessness, of his faults, echoing in the back of his mind got rather tiresome. Sometimes they sounded like his father, sometimes they sounded like the many critics they’d had over the years, sometimes they sounded like himself.
Sometimes those whispers turned into screams, and it went from being tiresome to being something that made him want to dig his own nails into his skin and peel the flesh from his bones, made him feel the urge to scream so badly that he thought he’d crack into a million pieces if he didn’t.
Thankfully, today wasn’t one of those days. Today they were just whispers, always present when he was presenting something new to people and enough to make him tired and doubtful as his gaze trailed over his newly set up exhibition room, but not enough to send him spiraling into a breakdown that would last for hours and leave him feeling less than human. That was good, because the next two days were too big, too important to be wallowing away in his own self-pity.
The next two days, an unknown amount of people would be filing into this very room, experiencing the atmosphere he’d been planning and designing for weeks now. It was mainly very exciting, of course. Ruki always put a bit of his soul into everything he did, and this was no exception. He loved when something he worked so hard on brought people happiness, and he loved seeing it go from being just an idea in his head to being fleshed out before him.
However, sometimes it was tough. Baring his creations, whether it be music, clothes, art, or this very room, could be as much of a risk as it was rewarding. It invited people not only to enjoy them, but also to criticize. Most of the time he could handle it just fine, he’d been in this business of scrutiny long enough that he had gotten used to it, but every once in a while…
Well. When you already mentally tear your own creations up more than anyone else ever could, adding to that could get to you sometimes.
Ruki gave a small, frustrated sigh and shook those thoughts off, gaze scanning the room for the umpteenth time to check for anything out of place or visually unappealing. It landed on one of those neon pink crosses hung so carefully about the room, casting a light pink glow onto his skin. The light only made the words neatly typed onto the surface that much more apparent.
“Every act of creation is first an act of destruction.”
From the first time he had heard that quote, he’d been inspired. But he wished he’d been warned, it was his own destruction they were talking about.
So often, his inspiration came in the midst of those moments he thought he’d never be happy again. When he felt like he had fallen into so many aching pieces that it would be impossible to ever pick them up and paste them back together again. But he would always pick himself up and try, and in doing so would end up creating his most beautiful works, in the end. But when he was in the midst of it, boy, it wasn’t exactly fun…
“You look like you’re being hyper-critical again.”
The voice that broke the quiet of the room made Ruki startle, having been so lost in thought that he’d been unaware of anyone’s approach. But as soon as he felt those callused hands sliding around his waist, felt his back pressing into a familiar, strong chest, he relaxed, head drooping back onto Reita’s shoulder.
“Mmhm. That’s what I do best, don’t you know?” Ruki mused, features relaxing from a thoughtful scowl into a soft smile.
“Boy do I know,” Reita snorted, nuzzling his face against the singer’s neck. His voice was softer when next he spoke, “Everyone is going to love it… I know I do. It’s beautiful in here, and so easy to see how much work you put into it. You don’t need to worry, Ru.”
Ruki just rolled his eyes, tilting his head to glance at what he could see of Reita, which was just a mop of messy hair. “I think you’re a bit biased. And worrying is the other thing I do best, at least when it comes to shit like this.”
“Mm… Well, in that case, I suppose I’ll have to make you stop worrying other ways then, won’t I?”
A coy smirk curled Ruki’s lips. “I suppose you will.”
Together, they toppled onto the bed he had on display. In no time at all Reita’s lips were against his ear, whispering words so sweet that for the moment they evaporated every negative one always rolling through his head, caressing him so reverently that Ruki felt like he was the most beautiful creature in the world.
Reita was always the one that helped him pick up the pieces when he fell apart. He was also the glue that kept him together afterwards, molding himself seamlessly into his heart every time and making his life even more beautiful and meaningful than it could ever have been alone. As seamlessly as their bodies were pressed together now, rocking against the bedsheets he’d so carefully arranged.
Ruki had spent ages tousling it just so, wanting it to look lived in and comfortable, but appealing. Now he’d no doubt have to arrange it all over again, if not swap new sheets out altogether, after they’d gotten done rolling around and ruining it. But Ruki had to say, he didn’t really mind.
They did need to destroy in order to create something even more beautiful, after all.