Disturb the Universe

by iihappydaysii

Summary:

Dan and Phil are a successful YouTube duo, best friends and next door neighbors. Phil's married with two kids and Dan's long term boyfriend is like the queen's cousin or something. Their lives are fine--perfectly acceptable--but when two unrelated emergencies land Dan and Phil living together for the first time since 2012, they're forced to examine the choices they've made and confront the feelings they've kept quiet for nearly a decade.

Chapter 1

Phil sat cross legged on the couch, a controller gripped in his hands. “Come on. Taste my wheels!” he shouted to the karts buzzing up behind him. 

“Everything is tasting with you.” Dan nudged Phil with his elbow. 

Dan’s kart sped ahead on the digital track. It whipped around a corner and flipped in the air before landing on its tires.

“Oh no. Oh no no no.” Phil tried to dodge a flying cartoon shell, but the weapon hit his kart and exploded.

Dan laughed a little, his kart still speeding on. “How many times do I have to tell you that you need to get out of the clusterfuck?”

“Easier said than done, Dan.” Phil’s kart flipped in the air and sped forward, finally getting into second place and closing in on Dan’s kart. He shot a sneaky look over his shoulder.

“Don’t even think about it, Phil.” Dan’s voice raised a little. “Phil, Phil Lester, don’t you fucking dare, I swear to God. No attack pact! No attack pact!”

A shell hit Dan’s kart and sent it flying. Phil shot past Dan into first place and over the finish line. 

“You fucking little fuck!” Dan leaned over to pound on Phil’s arm. Phil laughed and held up his hands in fake defense. “Sorry. Truce, truce.”

Dan stopped his mock assault. “You’re still a little fu…” He looked straight ahead. “Fun guy.”

“Daddy!” Little curly haired Rosalie shouted as she burst across the living room floor.

“Rosie!” Phil grinned, unable to hold in a smile around his daughter. 

She climbed on the sofa, squishing between Dan and Phil. Her small three-year-old hands grabbed at Dan’s controller. “I wanna play. I wanna play.” 

“Okay, sweetie. Okay.” Dan smiled. 

Rosalie’s too-long sleeves draped over hands so Dan pushed them up her arm for her. 

“Can’t play with sweater paws,” he said.

She couldn’t really play at all, but she didn’t need to know that. She’d just push the controller’s buttons and assume one of the many karts zooming around the track was hers.

“Which one is mine?” she asked.

“Well, which one do you want?” Phil replied

“Umm…the yellow one!”

“Then, the yellow one you shall have.” Phil gave Dan a knowing look over his shoulder. 

Dan winked at him, and Phil looked away.

As the race started, Rosalie leaned forward, her tongue sticking out a little to the side in concentration. It was a cute habit—one she’d picked up from Dan. 

“Hey, Dad. Hey Uncle Dan.” Teddy walked in wearing his grass-stained football uniform. He was all of ten and had already played more sports and become more tan than Phil had ever managed in his life. 

“How was practice?” Phil asked.

Teddy shrugged. “Good. Except the cupcakes Mom brought were actually gluten free bran muffins.”

“Well, excuse me for being concerned about my only son’s regularity,” June said with a cheeky grin. She wore cut-off jean shorts, one of Phil’s old t-shirts and her strawberry-blond hair was pulled into a messy bun. She was still pretty of course, but she looked tired. She always looked a little tired.

“Ew, mom. Gross.” Teddy rolled his eyes and stomped off into the kitchen.

“Wash your hands before you eat anything, and go change!” June called out to Teddy. Smiling, she turned her attention to Dan. “You staying for dinner? I’m making skinless chicken breasts and quinoa.”

Dan stood up from the couch. “As delicious as skinless chicken breasts sound, June, I’m going to have to pass.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Don’t mock my cooking. It—”

“Keeps everyone regular. I heard,” Dan said.

June slapped him lightly in the arm. “Shut it, Howell.”

“Seriously mate,” Phil said. “You should stay.” As much as Dan liked to pick on June’s healthy cooking, he ended up staying for dinner more often than not.

“I actually can’t tonight. Roger’s coming home early tomorrow and I want to make it look like I did more this past week than eat cereal and fu…”—his eyes darted toward Rosalie—”…mess around on Tumblr. I’ve got a sink full of dishes and a laundry room full of dirty pants I need to remedy.”

“Eww. Uncle Dan said pants.” Rosalie crinkled her nose.

Dan leaned down and gave Rosalie a kiss on the forehead. “Bye, little Rose.”

“Love you, uncle Dan.”

“Love you too, munchkin,” he said softly, and then called loudly into the kitchen. “Bye, Teddy!”

“See ya!” Teddy’s voice came from the other room.

Phil stood up off the couch too and walked with Dan to the front door. They hadn’t lived together since six months after Teddy was born, but it still felt weird every time Dan left to go home.

“We still on for weekly barbecue tomorrow?” Phil asked.

“Obviously,” Dan said. “Roger and I have to regain our title as charade champions.”

Phil laughed and shook his head. “When did we get old enough to play charades and drink wine? You are bringing the wine, right?”

Dan always brought the wine. When your boyfriend owned a vineyard, you brought the wine. That was just common sense. 

“We’re bringing the wine.”

“See you, Dan,” Phil said.

“See ya, Phil.” Dan gave him a toothless smile and walked onto the front porch. Phil stood outside in the late afternoon sun watching Dan walk down the front path, over to the next house and inside.

They didn’t live together anymore, but it was the next best thing to be next door neighbors with your best friend in the world. 

. . .

At dinner, Phil ate as much of the chicken and quinoa as he could stomach. and, for dessert, he and the kids ate some cookies they’d made the night before. When Rosalie started yawning, Phil carried her up to her room. He dressed her in the Winnie-the-Pooh onesie Dan had bought her for Christmas, made up a few stories about lions and rocket ships, then tucked her into bed. 

“Night, Daddy,” she whispered.

He smiled at her in the dark. “Night, Rosie.”

Phil shut the door behind him and traipsed back downstairs. June was standing over the sink in the kitchen, rinsing the dishes and slipping them into the dishwasher. The air smelled like Dawn soap.

“Want some help?” he asked with a small yawn.

“Almost done,” she said. Phil was about to turn to leave, then she added, “My mom called today.”

“Oh, that’s nice.”

“Her hip’s acting up again.”

“Oh no. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I think I finally talked her into going to see a doctor though.” They had a variation of this conversation at least twice a week.

“Well that’s good.” Phil leaned against the counter. “I’m thinking of cooking burgers tomorrow. We have the leftover buns from Teddy’s school barbecue.”

“That’s a good idea, and Tesco is having a sale on avocados so you could pick some of those up as well. Do you and Dan have to work tomorrow?”

“Nah, I’ll tell him we can do it the day after tomorrow since Roger gets in in the morning.”

June shook her head. “I still can’t believe you guys can call playing Mario Kart and whatever else work—and you’ve been able to do it for what? Thirteen years?”

“We’ve almost got as many seasons as Law and Order,” Phil joked.

“Not quite, but you’ll get there.”

Phil laughed. “Probably.” He hoped so. He hoped they were filming videos together until their gaming channel content consisted of two old men playing checkers at the park.

“Meanwhile, I’ve got to give an eight year old a root canal in the morning.” June closed the dishwasher and looked up at Phil. “You two are evil geniuses.”

He leaned down and kissed her on the mouth. She was quite a bit shorter than him so it was always a bit awkward. 

Phil’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out and didn’t fight the little smile that came at reading the sender—Dan.

did you know Armani made socks?

no…

in unrelated news, how do you get ribena out of cashmere?

you know what? never mind. roger is loaded. he can buy a new white cashmere Armani sock. fuck him.

your texts are always a trip.

good night, Phil :)

good night, Dan :)

Phil pocketed his phone. He sometimes missed the late night texts he’d get from the other room in their old apartment. But the next house over was good too—good enough—wasn’t it?

Chapter 2

Notes:

whoops i might be posting more than i thought

Dan dug his fingers into the duvet. The bed squeaked as Roger fucked him from behind. The front of Roger’s muscled thighs knocked into the backs of his soft ones, and Roger’s large fingers pressed into his hips. Dan’s left arm was going numb and, sure, he was hard, but it was a little uncomfortable and he kept trying to remember if he’d bought milk the last time he was at the store. Had I? Wait no, it doesn’t matter. 

Dan was a little, well, bored? I’m not…it’s not that I’m bored, per se.

Roger strengthened his grip as he pounded harder.  “God, you're really fucking tight, Love.”

Yeah, because I’m thinking about milk.  “Maybe you just got bigger,” Dan said instead.

Roger chuckled but didn't respond beyond that. He just kept pounding into Dan, his thrusts speeding up in a way that had become familiar over the past five years. Dan knew what it meant. He wrapped a hand around his own dick and tried not to think of milk. 

Roger was muttering out a string of—fuck, shit, Love, God, Daniel, fuck—and Dan was hissing at the stimulation and his mind was wandering to the videos he and Phil were going to film for the gaming channel tomorrow—and Roger was hitting that spot inside Dan—and maybe me and Phil should do that Monopoly live stream—and Dan was jacking himself off faster—and maybe me and Phil—his mind was too hazy to continue the thought so it just got stuck like a record—me and Phil, me and Phil, me and Phil, until Roger was coming in his ass and Dan was coming in his hand, the needle in his mind still stuck on those same words—me and Phil, me and Phil. 

Roger pulled out, and Dan was immediately greeted by come dripping down his legs. With a groan, Dan rolled over fast and pulled his legs up awkwardly, trying to keep it from getting jizz on the sheets he’d just washed.

“We forgot a towel, didn’t we?” Roger asked.

“No shit.”

Roger rushed into their en-suite bathroom and returned moments later with a grey hand towel. He handed it to Dan, who held it up under his ass as he waddled like fucking penguin to the bathroom.

“This is the real walk of shame,” Dan said.

Roger smiled at him. It was a good smile, though his teeth were slightly crooked in that all-too British way. 

As Dan was cleaning himself out in the bathroom—come in the ass, always a delight—Roger was talking to him from the bedroom. 

“Which wine should we bring to Phil’s tonight? The ’67 or the ’78?”

Dan walked back into the bedroom. “Roger, you’re talking about a guy  who once just put a straw directly into a box of boxed moscato.”

Roger’s eyes narrowed. “Red or white?”

“Uh, white.”

Roger seemed to think about it for a moment. “The ’78. Definitely.” He pulled a new pair of boxer-briefs on and he looked like a fucking underwear model, like the ads from Dan’s subscription to GQ Style. He was fit and broad-shouldered with a square-stubbled jaw and golden hair that was always perfectly quiffed. And it often left Dan wondering what the hell a guy like that was doing with him.

Roger was cool and handsome. Dan was awkward and pretty. That was their thing, he guessed. Opposites attract or whatever. Not like Dan and Phil. They’d always been so alike—the same picture but with different gradients. 

“Mother says hello, by the way.”

Dan snorted. “Did she really?”

“I mean she pretended she didn’t remember your name but yes.”

“Well, cheerio to her too, then.” Dan tipped a pair of boxers like they were a hat and then slid them on.

“We’re really not that posh, you know.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “The queen’s like your sixth cousin twice removed.” 

The queen wasn’t like Roger’s sixth cousin twice removed. The queen was Roger’s sixth cousin twice removed, which made Roger’s choice to live in this upper middle-income family neighborhood with Dan even more bewildering. 

“What are the Lesters making for dinner anyway?” Roger changed the subject as he always did when their conversation drifted into the territory of his family, of their perceived and very real—no matter what Roger claimed—poshness.

Foie gras with a side truffle risotto with edible gold flakes. “Burgers, I think.”

“Do we need to bring anything other than wine?”

“I bought some crisps. They’re in the cupboard.” Dan sighed. He’d been to the Ackerly Estate with its servants, its horse stables and its gold plated china. He knew what it felt like to come back to chipped windowsills, scratched hardwood and that leaking pipe they’d yet to locate. 

Roger wrapped his arms around Dan’s neck, and Dan looked up at him. Phil always made fun of him for managing to find the one man in England taller than they were. 

“You know I don’t have to come back here, right?” Roger said softly.

“Roger—”

“Every time I go back there, my mum reminds me of the summer house, and that it’s technically mine and it would be perfectly suitable as a four season house and not just a summer house. And, every time, I say thank you, but no thank you.”

“I’m not worth—”

“You are, but I’ve been saying thank you, but no thank you to my family since I was eighteen, Daniel. Since my father wanted me to throw a fundraiser for some Tory jackass and I told him to fuck off. I do what I want to do, what I think is right. Always have.”

Suddenly, Dan felt a little bad for thinking about milk and monopoly with Phil earlier.

“I knew I liked you for some reason,” Dan said. “You’re so hideously ugly that sometimes I forget.”

Roger smiled. “Of course, it’s only reasonable.” 

His hands slid down to Dan’s thighs and lifted Dan up. Dan wrapped his ankles around Roger’s back, his arms around Roger’s neck. Jesus, he lifts me way too easily. All those years of rowing crew really paid off in the currency of Roger being able to fuck Dan while he was standing.

Roger nudged his nose against Dan’s and whispered, “Round two?”

Dan’s stomach kind of sank a little and he didn’t understand why. “We’ll be late for weekly barbecue.”

Roger kissed his neck, sucking on the fragile skin. That actually did feel really good, and Roger smelled like nutmeg and birchwood, which was nice. Like his favorite candle. 

“But, I’ve missed you, Love.”

“I’ve missed you too.” Had he? Yes, of course I have. “But we’re both still too old to get it up again.”

With a small smile, Roger brought his lips to Dan’s. His lips were soft, but the kiss was also kind of scratchy—a little suffocating—my nose is just…it’s stuffy—and Dan tried to pull away without it being obvious the kiss hadn’t just come to its natural conclusion. 

Roger sat Dan down with a little sigh and ruffled his curls. “Come on, Love. Let’s go to the Lesters.”

 

. . .

 

Out the window, Dan could see Roger kicking a football around with Teddy under trees that had just begun to wither and yellow. Dan was stuffed from the three hamburgers he’d eaten that Phil had grilled in his “Danger: Dad’s Cooking” apron and Rosalie was shifting in Dan’s lap as she poked away at the piano.

“Wanna play a song!” she said.

“Okay, okay.” Dan took her small hands in his and helped her pluck out the slow melody of Clair de Lune.

The second time they’d gone through the song, Rosalie’s lips stretched into a wide yawn.

June walked into the living room, wiping her hands off on her jeans. “Oh, it looks like it’s time for somebody to go to bed.”

Rosalie curled into Dan’s chest. He put a hand on her head. 

“No, Mummy. No sleep,” Rosalie said.

June sighed. “Come on, baby. It’s already past your bedtime.”

“But I wanna stay up with Uncle Dan.” Rosalie pouted out her bottom lip. “Uncle Dan, don’t make me.”

Dan scooted back the piano bench and stood, lifting Rosalie with him. “Sorry, munchkin. Mummies make the rules.”

“Why don’t uncles make the rules?”

Phil walked into the room. “Because if they did, you'd stay up all night eating junk food and playing on the computer.”

Rosalie’s eyes widened. “I want uncles to make the rules!”

June gave Phil a look as Dan passed his goddaughter to her mum. “Thanks a lot, Phil.”

Phil cringed and shrugged his shoulders. “Sorry.”

With a sigh and a shake of her head, June carried Rosalie away to bed.

Dan looked over at Phil. He had a small smile on his face and his glasses had slipped a little down his nose. Dan had always liked Phil’s glasses. They made him look more refined. 

“Rosie’s grown up so fast, hasn’t she?” Phil asked.

Dan nodded. “Feels like yesterday Teddy was just a baby.”

“God, it does, doesn’t it?”

It did and it didn’t. In a way, it seemed lifetimes ago when Phil, June and Teddy were all cramped in Phil’s room in their London apartment.  When June had been struggling so much and they hadn’t understood why. She hadn’t understood either, but she wasn’t sleeping and she was crying all the time. Dan could remember the shouts from Phil’s bedroom, could remember Teddy crying, like it was yesterday.

“Please, just go to sleep.”

“I can’t. I can’t. What if he—”

“He’s going to be fine, June.”

“What if he isn’t? What if I go to sleep and he isn’t?”

Dan had walked in their bedroom and offered to stay up with Teddy for them. June and Phil had resisted. It wasn’t his baby, his problem to solve. But it was. It was Phil’s baby—and wherever Phil went Dan went as well. Whatever Phil carried, Dan did too.

And that was how he’d ended up spending the first months of Teddy’s life staying up all night by his bedside, just watching him breathe. Teddy still didn’t know about it. Dan wasn’t sure he ever would, and that was okay. June was a good mum. He’d never seen anyone try as hard as she did those first few months of Teddy’s life. That was when he went from seeing June as someone he had to accept in his life for Phil’s sake, to someone he admired, someone he loved. 

Phil sat down at the piano and cast Dan a look over his shoulder. Dan understood the look. He sat on the piano bench beside Phil. Their shoulders were pressed together—a comfortable, familiar touch that Dan always found himself inexplicably leaning into. 

Tapping the first few notes, Phil let Dan know what he intended, and Dan poised his own hands over the keys and they began to play together. It was a soft song, simple but pretty. They’d written it years ago. Before Roger, before the kids, before June, before almost anything but Manchester. During that first week in the London apartment one of the few pieces of furniture they’d had was a left-behind piano and they’d made use of it. 

Now, they kept playing that gentle melody, their hands moving in a practiced rhythm, but it had been awhile and Dan’s hand slipped just enough that his little finger brushed over Phil’s. A warmth tingled through Dan’s cheeks as something flipped beneath his ribs. He hesitated, his eyes flicking toward Phil, who was looking back at him. Phil was close enough Dan could count the colors in his eyes, if he didn’t already know them by heart.

The sliding glass door squealed open and the sound made them both jump. Teddy bounded into the room moments later with Roger trailing behind him.

Teddy looked back at Roger. “Thanks for playing with me.”

“No problem, Ted, but you wore me out.”

“Dad,” Teddy turned to Phil, “Can I play Xbox in my room?”

Phil sighed. “After you finish your homework.”

“Awesome!” He ran off and it wasn’t long before Dan heard his loose shoes clonking up the stairs.

Roger leaned down, put a hand on Dan’s cheek and kissed him. Dan kissed back, but he felt strangely exposed with Phil still sitting so close to him.

“I always liked that song of yours.” Roger pulled away. “I’ll go open up the wine so it can breathe.”

Phil stood up from the piano bench. “I should find the corkscrew for him.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, as if Phil didn’t know that Roger knew exactly where the corkscrew was. He’d been opening wine at the Lesters almost every week for the last two years. 

It was weird. It’s not weird.

Dan stood up from the piano and walked into the kitchen. He forced his mind into the moment. Into the feel of the hardwood floors beneath his shoes, into the breeze from the open windows, into the sound of Phil and Roger talking in low voices in the kitchen.

Everything’s fine. So why didn’t it feel fine? Because anxiety. Well, maybe or maybe not.

Eventually, June came down from putting Rosalie to bed. Roger poured them all glasses of wine and they gathered on the half-circle of Phil’s outdoor sofa, their wine glasses on the small center table. After one glass, Phil suggested charades. They played a few rounds, but after Roger’s attempt at miming the word pickle went very wrong, they were laughing too hard to keep playing. Dan poured them all more wine and it only took a few sips for June to turn on their Bluetooth speakers and start playing music. It was June’s playlist so it was something by Glenn Miller or Cole Porter. Even if he hadn’t liked it at first, Dan had grown an appreciation for the sound of it over the years.

“I’d ask you to dance with me, Phil,” June said, “but you wouldn’t even dance with me at our wedding.”

“You were seven months pregnant and we were married in a courthouse. There were felony proceedings the next room over.”

Dan remembered that day. He remembered being Phil’s best man. He remembered holding Phil’s ring and he remembered the felon next-door. Dan remembered congratulating the happy couple and he remembered throwing up in the courthouse bathroom afterwards.

“I’ll dance with you June.” Roger stood up and held out a hand.

  Grinning, June took Roger’s hand and he pulled her to her feet. He immediately spun her into a dip.

“I’m glad you have a boyfriend that will dance with my drunk wife,” Phil said.

Dan laughed. “That was one of the first questions I asked him. You’re really rich and you have actual abs but how do you feel about dancing with my best friend’s intoxicated wife? Think about your answer. This is a deal breaker.”

Phil elbowed him. “We did good though, didn’t we?”

Dan looked over at Phil. The wind was rustling his hair and the wrinkles around his eyes were more prominent than Dan remembered, but they were nice—a sign of all the life they’d lived. 

“We did.” Dan gave Phil a small smile and then June was giggling and falling down beside him. He stretched an arm out over the back of the couch and she reclined against his chest.

“Your boyfriend is an excellent dancer,” June whispered.

“I know.”

“You should lock that one down, Howell.” She snuggled in even closer to Dan.

“Make it official before he realizes how weird we all are.” Phil chuckled. 

“We’re not weird,” June protested.

Phil furrowed his brow. “You’re literally sitting in his boyfriend’s lap.”

“It’s not my fault his boyfriend is squishy.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Thanks.” He gently rolled June off him. 

“Do you think we should be going, Love?” Roger asked.

He wanted to say no. Dan wasn’t sure he should ever be going, but he knew the script. He’d taught himself to follow it.

“Let’s go.” 

Dan couldn’t bring himself to say home.

 

Chapter 3

“Phil! PHIL!” June’s voice cut through the otherwise quiet house, startling Phil from the gaming video he’d been struggling to edit for the past several hours.

“I'm down here, June,” he called up to her. He kept his focus on the computer screen though, on the clip he was trying to add new audio to. They hadn’t put up a gaming video this week and Phil really needed to get this done.

June walked into their home office, her heels clacking on the hardwood. “What are you doing?”

He glanced over his shoulder at her. “Working.” The word came out a little harsher than he had intended, but he really did have work he needed to finish.

She crossed her arms over her chest and pursed her lips. “I need to talk to you.”

“Okay…” Phil took the look on June’s face as a sign that he really needed to pay attention. “Are you upset with me or…what's going on?”

“My mum’s having surgery next week.” She stuck a hand in the pocket of her blue dress trousers.

He blinked. “Oh, that’s good, isn't it?”

“Yes, but she’s going to have trouble getting around for awhile and she’ll need help.”

“Can she get an at-home nurse?”

June shook her head. “That kind of care isn't covered.”

“I can pay for any—”

“My dad wouldn't accept that and you know it.” 

It was true. Her father had never liked Phil much—Phil did kind of knock up his daughter—and he certainly didn’t like that Phil had ended up making a lot more money than he did. But Phil didn’t know what else June wanted him to do, if he wasn’t able to help pay for any extra care. 

“I'm going to stay with them for awhile,” she said.

That was a surprise. “Oh. How long?”

June shrugged. “A couple weeks probably without the kids, and then they have an autumn break, so I figured they could visit their grandparents.”

“So it would just be me with the kids?” He wanted to make sure he had this right. June normally didn’t go anywhere without the kids, even when he’d try to make her take a break or visit her sister.

“They're your kids. Don't act like I'm inconveniencing you.” Her voice was tense, her whole body was tense. He wished this was strange. She was normally tense. Weekly barbecue was one of the few nights a week she tended to loosen up.

Phil felt himself get defensive. He hadn’t done or said anything wrong, but he was tired of always feeling like he had. “June, I barely said—”

“Don't do that. I can tell by your tone.”

He didn’t think he had any kind of harsh tone, but he tried to soften his voice anyway. He couldn’t stand upsetting her, and he seemed to be doing it a lot lately. Happy wife, happy life. That’s what his dad always used to say. “It’s fine. It’s just surprising and I'm sure Rosalie might be a little confused.”

“You’re her father.”

“And I'll be fine and she’ll be fine. I was only saying.”

June let out a breath and rubbed her eyes. “I’m sorry. I'm just…”

Tired, Phil thought, you’re always tired. “It’s fine. I’ll take care of it.”

She gave him a tight smile. “Thank you.”

 

. . .

 

June left that Friday. Rosalie had cried and asked June not to go. Phil had distracted her with a pink sprinkle cupcake. Teddy didn’t seem to care all that much, but he was at that age. Eventually, Phil managed to get them both dressed, and take Teddy to school. He didn’t realize until he’d driven Rosalie to her daycare that it was the third Friday of every month. For some reason, which defied all logic, that meant it was closed. So he drove her back home, and had to cancel a gaming vid he’d planned with Dan. Phil spent the whole day playing dress-up and reading books and trying and failing to keep the toys from taking over the house. Once Teddy had gotten home from school, Phil started dinner and the business calls started to come in and the kids were at each other’s throats. 

Phil used his shoulder to hold his phone against his ear as he stirred a can of corn heating up on the stove. Flipside wanted them to do some publicity work and his gmail app kept pinging with email after email, distracting him from the call. “We should be able to do that. Just send over the information. I’ll speak to Dan about—”

“Daddy, Daddy! Teddy pushed me!” Rosalie screeched from upstairs.

The agent from Flipside was still going on about something, but Phil missed half of it because all he could hear was a cacophony of crying from upstairs. 

“Yeah, I'm sorry. I have to go. I'll call you back.” Phil hung up the phone and rushed toward all the commotion. He stepped over his son’s football cleats and into his messy bedroom.

“Rosalie, stop!” Teddy shouted as big fat tears cascaded down Rosalie’s blushed cheeks.

Phil glared at his son. “Teddy, what's going on?”

Rosalie answered before Teddy could. “He stole it.”

Teddy was holding a half eaten pink animal cookie in his hand. “She's not supposed to have a cookie before dinner. Mum said—”

“That's my problem to worry about. You just do your homework.”

“I don't have any.”

Phil sighed. “Then can you just give your sister some space?”

Teddy narrowed his eyes under his ball cap. “She’s in my room.”

Phil rubbed his temples. Two really is better than one when it comes to watching kids. “Right, sorry. Come on, Rosie. Come to the kitchen with me.” He scooped her up in his arms.

As he walked down the dimly lit hallway toward the stairs, Rosalie sniffed. “It smells funny.”

“No it doesn’t—”

Teddy popped his head out of the bedroom door. “It really does, Dad.”

A loud beeping noise blared through the house, followed by a robotic voice repeating, “Warning. There is smoke in the kitchen. The alarm may sound. The alarm is loud.”

Still holding Rosalie, Phil rushed down the steps and into the kitchen. Grey smoke was billowing from the oven and out the windows. The pot of corn on the stove was hissing and boiling over.

Phil sat Rosalie down and frantically waved at the smoke as the alarm kept going off. With one hand, he pulled the boiling pot off the stove. He spilt some boiling water on his hand and screeched.

“Shi—I mean fuck. Shit.”

Rosalie gasped. “Daddy said an Uncle Dan word.”

Good job, Phil.

As the fire alarm screeched on and the kids screamed, he grabbed the oven glove and opened the oven. A big cloud of smoke puffed out. Coughing, Phil waved it out of his face. He pulled out the roasting pan and, through the haze, he could see the smoking, charred pile of meat. Shit. Next, he had to get that horrible fire alarm off.

“Warning. There is smoke in the kitchen. There is smoke in the—” 

The sound stopped, and Phil turned to see Dan in his kitchen, standing on one of their dining table chairs, pressing the off button on the alarm. Phil couldn’t help but think—ridiculously—that Dan looked like a statue right now, like one of a regal war hero they’d seen in a town square during the US leg of tatinof. 

Dan hopped off the chair, waving away the lingering smoke. His attention turned to the devastated roast and he cringed. “How did you even…this badly…it’s not like you never cook.”

Phil sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. Just distracted with the kids, and then Flipside called. I think I might have pushed broil instead of bake.” He pulled off the oven glove and hissed. He had a large red burn across all four of his knuckles.

Dan stepped forward.  “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I just…I burned myself.”

“I'm hungry,” Rosalie whined, stomping her little foot on the ground.

“Yeah, me too,” Teddy added with a disgruntled sigh.

“How about I order us some pizza?” Dan said. “Teddy, take your sister into the living room and find something to watch together.”

“Uncle Da—”

“Now, Teddy,” Dan used a stern voice Phil rarely ever heard Dan use on the kids. He found he kind of liked it. Phil had never been very good at being stern, certainly not with his kids.

Teddy took Rosalie’s hand and led her into the living room, and Dan turned back to Phil. 

“Let me look at your hand,” Dan said.

“Dan, you don't have to—”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Phil Lester,” he said in that same stern voice. Phil found he kind of liked that too.

Tentatively, Phil held out his hand. Dan’s brow furrowed as he looked down at the injury.

“We need to run this under some cold water.” Dan grabbed Phil’s wrist and pulled him the few feet over to the sink. Dan turned on the water, ran his own fingers under it and then took Phil’s hand and guided it under the running water.

Dan had his hand on Phil’s—his larger, slightly rougher hand. It was a light touch, a thumb smoothing over the raised, red burn, the pads of his other fingers grazing Phil’s palm. Dan’s eyes flicked over to him, and Phil looked down again at where Dan was cradling his hand under the cool stream. Dan pulled away abruptly, and Phil stumbled forward without the support, just a little, a breath trembling through nearly shut lips.

“What do you think? Pepperoni? A plain cheese for Rosie?” Dan’s voice came out too loud, too strained.

“Hmm…what?” Phil barely managed. The smoke must have gotten to his head because the world felt just a little…shifted. 

“Pepperoni? Cheese? The pizza?” Dan prompted again.

“Oh right, Pizza. Pepperoni, I think.” Phil shut his eyes and swallowed. He flicked off the water and turned to face Dan. His head was spinning—from the smoke, of course—and he was trying to make sense of the last ten minutes. “Dan, did you think the house was on fire?”

“Yeah, I saw a lot of smoke coming out the window, but leave it to you to just be cooking.” Dan let out a warm little laugh as he scrolled through his own, probably ordering the pizza.

Head tilted, Phil just blinked at Dan. His words came out drawn and slow. “You thought this house was on fire and you just ran in?”

“Of course,” Dan answered easily—so easily Phil swore he felt the ground underneath him shake. “Do we want breadsticks?”

“W-whatever you want,” Phil forced out, still reeling. Dan had thought Phil and his kids were in danger so he had just ran into the fire. Into the fire. Dan was, he was—

“Daddy! Daaaaaddy!” Rosalie’s voice cried out from the living room.

Phil knew he needed to respond to it, but he felt stuck there, stuck in this moment looking at Dan, who was still looking like one of those copper American statues.

With a grin curled on his lips, Dan nodded toward the living room. “That’s you, mate.”

Phil gave an aborted nod, then turned and bolted into the living room, needing to find some air to breathe that wasn’t full of smoke and something…something else. 

 

. . .

 

Phil put on Wall-E. It was one of Rosalie’s favorites, and convinced the kids to actually sit down on the couch and watch it. Dan cleaned up the kitchen and sauntered back in about ten minutes later to plop down beside Phil on the couch.

“I love this one.” Dan settled back in the sofa.

Phil just smiled over at him. It was one of the first movies they'd ever watched together, and they cried together because you could be stranded and alone in a falling-apart world and someone could just drop out of the sky and into your life and understand. 

When the movie was over and the pizza eaten, Dan carried an already sleeping Rosalie to bed and tucked her in. Teddy slipped up to his room too. Phil opened an old bottle of wine—one he’d gotten from a liquor store and not from Roger. They collapsed down on the sofa together, talked about the nothings they loved to talk about and drank the wine faster than they should have.

“Do you remember that night? That first night we met,” Phil whispered, unsure why his voice was low, unsure why he was asking at all.

“No, I totally forgot. Why are we friends again?” Dan grinned, kicking at Phil’s foot.

“Shut up.” Phil kicked back. “I just meant...it was…I was so glad we had met. I still am.”

After a long moment of silence, Dan replied, “Me too, Phil.”

Phil took another sip of wine, then leaned his head back against the couch. “Sitting at that Starbucks. It was like we’d known each other forever.”

“And now we have,” Dan said gently. He leaned his head back too, and turned to face Phil. They were looking at each other now, just looking, as if there was something to see in the other’s face they hadn’t seen in the past thirteen years.

“Thank you for coming over tonight,” Phil said. “I know Roger’s leaving again next week.”

“It’s fine. I had a good night. It’s almost like it was before.”

Before was such a strange concept now. Those years before Phil had bought a cheap condom, slept with a girl on the third date and gotten her pregnant. Those years when it was just the two of them—a breakfast bar in Manchester and a left-behind piano in London. 

“It’s been a long time since we’ve lived together, Dan.” 

Dan frowned, then looked away. “I know. But it doesn't feel like it.”

“It does and it doesn't.” Phil watched the flutter of Dan’s lashes and thought of all the times over the years, he’d taken one of those lashes and asked Dan to wish on it. What had Dan wished all of those times? How many of those wishes had come true?

Dan’s phone lit up on the coffee table and buzzed against the wood. The phone screen lit the dim room. Phil picked it up and glanced at the caller ID. “It’s Roger,” Phil said, his mouth dry.

“I don't need to…” Dan said, his words drawing off, but yes he did need to. 

Somehow, even through the wine haze, Phil still knew that. He pushed ‘answer’ for Dan and handed him the phone.

  “Hey,” Dan said, his voice weak in unusual places. “Sorry, yeah, I'm just heading home now. Okay, right. You too.” He hung up and then leaned over and started tugging on his shoes. “I should go. Let me know if you need any help with kids.” Dan stood up for the sofa and looked down at Phil with a smile. “Oh and Phil, don't burn down the house.”

“I'll try not to but no promises.” 

As Dan walked away, Phil had one of those thoughts that Dan had once made a video about. Impulsive thoughts, he thought they were maybe called. He almost never got them, but right now his veins were full of alcohol and Dan was leaving and Phil had a box of matches that might be able to make Dan stay.

Phil shook his head and rubbed his tired eyes. He wasn’t making any sense. All he needed to do right now was drag his drunk, married ass up the stairs to bed. 

 

Chapter 4

Notes:

warning:

there's a pretty intense roger/dan sex scene at the beginning of this chapter. it's a little rough and there is use of the word "bitch". if you need to skip it, stop reading at "Catherine the Great" and start again at "everything did go back to normal" after the scene break.

thanks!

Stumbling through his front door, Dan felt reckless. He felt wrong. The night was pummeling back into him at a thousand miles an hour. He’d been stood outside in his garden and seen, over their shared fence, billows of grey smoke coming from Phil’s house. The fear that had gripped him had been unlike anything he'd felt before, beyond anything he thought a person could feel.

Dan had scrambled over the fence and into the yard. He’d come in through the side door and barreled full speed through the hazy smoke, toward where he could hear his godchildren screaming. In that moment, he’d hated himself because he knew he’d save the kids—if that’s all he could do—he knew he would, but he also wouldn’t want to. He’d want to go after Phil. It was a self-revelation that made him sick to his stomach, but it hadn’t mattered after all. It had just been an unfortunate cooking mishap. Phil and the kids had been fine. 

Then, he’d spent the evening there—like old times—and when Roger had called he hadn’t wanted to answer. That wasn’t right. It had been so long since those feeling crept in that Dan didn’t understand it, didn’t know what to do with it. All Dan knew was that he needed to get rid of the black, twisted tangle of thoughts in his head. He just needed to feel, and to feel the right things.

Dan rushed up the stairs and through the bedroom door. He stood in the doorway and stared down at his boyfriend, stretched out in nothing but pants on the bed, holding the biography of Catherine the Great.

“Hey Love, everything ok at Phil’s?” Roger closed his book, sat it on the nightstand and then looked up at Dan with a furrowed brow.

“Kiss me,” Dan nearly growled, stripping off his shirt. His heart was pounding in his ears. His skin felt wrong, itchy, like it didn't belong stretched over his bones.

Dan hopped on the bed, straddling Roger. He felt strong thighs between his legs, stiff shoulders under his hands. All he wanted to do was focus on the feeling, the base feeling of it all.

Roger blinked. “Dan are you al—”

Dan crashed his lips hard into Roger’s, dipping a tongue into his mouth.

Roger gripped his arms and gently pushed him back. “What’s gotten into you?”

Angling his mouth down, Dan tried to kiss Roger again but was held in place. “God, I just, Roger, please.” 

If his boyfriend wasn’t going to give him what he wanted—a hot hard mouth that could just bite all the thoughts out of his mind, he’d try something else. He fumbled down Roger’s body and yanked his pants down his knees. Roger wasn’t hard, but Dan didn’t care. He needed this— this man who loved him, who wanted him, who he’d picked and who had picked him. This man. This one in particular and not any other man.

Dan wrapped his mouth around Roger’s soft dick, easily able to fit the whole thing inside. He licked and sucked, forcing himself into the moment and out of his head. Roger’s dick hardened, growing long and hard against his tongue.

Roger was panting, his hips starting to thrust. He threaded a strong hand into Dan’s curls and gripped on tight. “Shit, your mouth. God.”

It was alright, but it wasn’t quite enough. Not quite what Dan needed. even though Roger’s thick cock was starting to block his breathing. It wasn’t enough to erase the feeling of Phil’s hand in his under that cool water, of Phil’s—No. He wouldn’t go there. He could never, ever go there.

Dan let go of Roger’s cock with a pop and rolled onto the other side of the bed. He unbuttoned his skinny jeans and struggled to yank them off his legs.

Roger looked over at him. “What are you—”

“Fuck me,” Dan cut him off as he finally kicked off his jeans. Dan wrapped his mouth around Roger’s cock again, letting his spit drip down, soaking it. 

Tipping his head back, Roger let out a moan. Then, just as quickly, Dan let go and threw a leg over Roger. He was balanced just above Roger’s dick and he started to press down onto it.

It was tight—too tight—it fucking burned. 

Roger put a hand on his arm, trying to slow Dan who honestly just wanted Roger to ram his cock as deep inside as possible, as quick as possible.

“Daniel, honey, stop. You need lube,” Roger said between gasped breaths.

“Just need your cock.” Dan shook his head and let go, allowing all his weight to drop. He let out a broken gasp as he took all of Roger inside him—without lube, just spit, and without having been stretched at all.

Dan doubled over. He’d never done that before and it hurt more than he could have imagined. Tears were burning at his eyes and he buried his face in the crook of Roger’s neck. All he could think of was the feeling of it, there wasn’t room for anything else. Any other feelings or thoughts and that’s exactly what Dan wanted.

With a shaky breath, he started to fuck himself on Roger’s dick. His legs were shaky and he was moving as fast and as forceful as he could on his own. He needed Roger to thrust back, to hold his hips and slam him down. “Harder,” Dan managed through a ragged breath. “Want to feel it.”

Roger’s voice was weak. “Love, I don't know.” Light fingers splayed over Dan’s curvy hips.

Dan dipped his tongue into Roger’s ear and then he bit the lobe. “Do you remember how hard you used to fuck me? That time you bent me over your father’s desk...you were so angry at him...and I couldn't walk for days.”

Roger’s eyes were rolling back in his head and he struggled to get out the words. “You complained for days, and I was, I was so I…”

Dan smirked as he slammed himself back down on Roger’s cock. “Called me a bitch. Your bitch.”

“D-dan, I’m sorry. Why are you...that was years ago,” Roger said, panting.

Sitting up, Dan put his hands on Roger’s shoulders and leaned their foreheads together as he kept bouncing up and down. “Roger,” he whispered, mouth to mouth. “Fuck me like I'm your bitch.”

Roger looked right at him, his eyes growing dark. His breaths were deep and Dan could see the cogs of his thoughts whirring in his head. He was tense, like a stretched rubber band, ready to snap. Instead, he just loosened. “No.”

Dan writhed on his lap, not wanting to lose the tight, too-much feeling. “Roger,” he whined.

“I said no,” Roger’s voice was stern. It made Dan shrink down a little, made some of the fight, the heat, leak out. 

“I love you,” Roger continued. “Don't ask me to...please don't ask me to…”

Dan felt his shoulders shudder and he fell forward, dipping his face into Roger’s neck. “Ok. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” He sniffled. Dan wasn’t crying but he was worried he might start.

“It's alright, Love. You're alright,” Roger whispered as he started softly thrusting into Dan. His enormous hand wrapped around Dan’s cock nearly engulfing all of it as Roger jacked up and down. Dan didn’t warn Roger as he came over his fingers, the rush a little dull, a little sad almost, if that were possible. Moments later, he felt Roger grunt and come inside him.

“Would you like to talk about it?” Roger whispered against Dan’s ear.

“No.” Dan rolled off Roger and walked to the bathroom. He didn’t care if there was come rolling down his legs right now, he didn’t even care if it got onto the floor.

Wadding up some toilet paper, Dan wiped the insides of thighs and his ass. He knew more would seep out later. It always did. Suddenly, he felt a little dizzy, a little nauseated. He gripped one of his hands on the bathroom counter and looked himself in the mirror as he kept scrubbing himself, scrubbing at his ass because something about that seeping warmth was making his skin scrawl. His ass already hurt and he was only making it worse, but he just couldn’t stop.

There was quiet knock on the door. “Dan?”

“Just a minute.”

Dan took in a deep breath and wiped at his nose. It had started to run a little—probably from trying to hold in his tears. He tossed the toilet paper in the toilet and flushed. 

What the fuck was wrong with him? Nothing. I’m fine. This is perfectly normal. Perfectly fine.

 

Everything did go back to normal after that night. Dan went over to Phil’s the next day to film some gaming videos and it was just like it always was. He had a nice dinner with Roger, and they held hands under the table and it was fine. It was better than fine. 

Roger had some business to attend to at his vineyards, so Dan had kissed him goodbye before he’d taken a car to the airport before the sun had even come up.

Dan was sipping coffee in the breakfast nook when Phil called. They had an appointment at Google in a few hours and they were planning on driving into London together, but apparently Rosalie had come down with a cough and daycare wouldn’t let her stay.

“I can go,” Dan said, ignoring the pit in his stomach as he realized he wasn’t going to be spending the day with Phil. “Don't worry about it.”

Phil sighed. “We both should—”

“And Google is going to have to understand that you have kids.”

He sounded agitated, but Dan was pretty sure that it wasn’t at him. “Dan—”

“If I need you, I'll Skype you in okay?” He wanted Phil to come, of course, but he also would take care of anything they needed to do. They’d had each other’s backs and had since 2009.

“Fine,” Phil grumbled in a way that drew a smile out of Dan. Dan sipped some coffee as he forced that smile to even out into something neutral. 

“Just have fun with your kids. I’ll take care of all this.”

“Thanks, Dan.”

“No problem. I'll call you after.”

Phil hung up and Dan dumped out the rest of his coffee in the sink. He’d take Roger’s car down to Google, survive this meeting and then come home and just disappear into a deep, dark tumblr hole. 

 

The meeting at Google had gone fine. It was weird now though, being such veterans in the game. They were looked up to beyond what Dan thought people had any reason to. Maybe Phil was deserving of that kind of respect. He was smart and talented and had a mind for finance and business that Dan just never had, but it was still weird sometimes, for important people to look at you like you had answers when you just didn’t. 

Dan had driven home, blaring Kanye, and wishing he had someone to talk to instead. Not someone—Phil. He was drained by the time he pulled into the driveway and opened his front door.

His jaw dropped open as a wave of water, rushed over his feet. He stared down at it in shock, then looked up to see the running water pouring over everything in his house. It was coming from gaping holes in the ceiling, drenching all of his furniture and everything else he and Roger had collected over the years.

“Oh my God. Oh shit, goddammit. How do I?” Dan sloshed through the inches of water. How had this even happened so quickly? He slipped, barely catching himself on the banister. “Fuck.”

Water was cascading down the stairs. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Dan hurried to the back of the house as quickly as possible, and struggling down the basement stairs, his mind putting out an endless string of profanities all the way until he wrapped his hand around the water main and turned it off.

After a few moments, the roaring rush of water stopped and everything turned from a river into a gross, awful pond.

Gasping for air and unsure of what else to do, Dan picked up his phone and dialed. 

“Hello?”

“Phil, I have a problem.”

His voice raised an octave, giving it a nervous edge. “Dan, are you alright?”

The water had already seeped through his shoes and his toes were getting pruned. “Yeah, it's just...my house kind of flooded.”

“What?” Phil spat. “Are you serious?”

“I guess that leaky pipe was a bigger deal than I thought. Everything is soaked, and the basement and living room are completely flooded.”

“Oh my God, Dan. Call your insurance.”

“I will. I was just wondering, I don't know how long it will take to fix.”

“Pack yourself a bag, if you can, and get over here now.”

A small smile grew on Dan’s face. “Thanks, Phil.”

As always, Dan thought, Phil Lester to the rescue.

 

 

Chapter 5

There was a knock at the front door. Phil sat down the iPad he’d been reading the news on, walked to the door and opened it. Dan was stood on the tattered welcome mat, his jeans soaked from the knees down. He had a leather duffle slung over his shoulder and a sheepish smile on his face. Some water must have gotten in his hair as well, as it was looking particularly hobbit-y that evening. But it didn’t matter what Dan looked like. Why would it? Phil was just glad Dan was here. Phil was always glad when Dan was here. 

Dan stepped inside. His wet shoes squeaked on the hardwood as he walked down the entryway. 

“You flooded your house,” Phil said, trying to keep the mood light. “What were you thinking?”

Dan `shot Phil a playful look over his shoulder. “Like you can talk! You set yours on fire.”

“Perfect match, right?” Phil said, absent-mindedly.

“Right, um,” Dan hesitated. “So thanks, you know, for letting me stay.” 

“My home is your home.” Dan was welcome here any time, for as long as he needed.

“It literally used to be my home.”

“Still is.” Phil’s home would always be Dan’s home. He refused to think of it any other way. 

Phil walked with Dan up the stairs and stopped outside a cracked-open door just a few feet down from his own bedroom. “You know, I still have your old sheets in the guest bedroom. I can’t believe you didn’t take them with you. They were perfectly good.” 

“You’re still on about that? Some people like to change their sheets more than once a decade, you know?” Dan turned to Phil, leaning near a sconce on the wall. The light created a lovely, curved shadow across Dan’s cheek. “That reminds me. Did you ever forgive June for destroying your old bed sheets?”

Phil let out a sigh and shook his head. “Pinof hasn’t been the same since.”

“RIP AmazingPhil’s bedsheets.” Dan nudged open the door the rest of the way and stepped inside. He flipped on the light and tossed his bag onto the floor. His eyes went straight to the bed. “You really did keep my bedsheets.”

“Waste not, want not,” Phil said.

Dan snorted. “Thanks, Gran.”

“Rosalie’s asleep and Teddy’s off in his room, so its just us for the night. Take a shower and I’ll have a drink ready for you when you get out. I’m sure you need it.” 

“I could also use something to eat,” Dan said quietly.

Phil raised an eyebrow. “Do you want me to make you some dinner, Dan?”

A big smile stretched onto Dan’s face. “Yes please, Phil.”

With a chuckle, Phil agreed, then slipped out of the guest bedroom and headed back downstairs. He heard the water turn on for Dan’s shower as he preheated the oven and made sure it was on bake, not broil, this time. He didn’t need a repeat of the other night. Then, Phil rummaged through the freezer to find Dan’s favorite kind of frozen pizza. He usually had it stocked for whenever they were filming gaming videos. Phil popped it in the oven and the pizza had just finished when Dan walked into the kitchen. 

When Phil turned to greet him, he nearly dropped his spatula. Dan was standing barefoot on the kitchen tiles, grey sweatpants slung low on his hips and a worn white t-shirt stretched over his chest that was so soft and threadbare Phil could see the pink outline of his nipples underneath. 

Dan sniffed the air and walked closer. 

The absurd thought hit Phil to wield the spatula like a weapon to ward Dan off—like something would happen—something he didn’t have words for—if Dan came too close. But Phil didn’t hit Dan with the spatula when Dan walked right up next to him. Dan was standing right beside him and nothing happened at all. Why did he ever think it would?

“What did you make me?” Dan asked.

Phil’s mouth was so dry it hurt. “Your favorite pizza.”

“You know me so well.”

The thought made warmth burst in Phil’s chest. He did know Dan well. Better than anyone. 

Better than Roger. 

Phil forced that thought away, as he did whenever thoughts like that cropped up in his mind. He didn’t understand them or know what to do with them besides bury them.

When the oven beeped, Phil took the pizza out and cut it. Dan pulled some plates out of the cupboard and stacked his plate three slices high.

“You got enough there?” Phil chuckled.

“I’m hungry. I’ve had a traumatic day.” 

“And pizza is the cure for trauma?”

Dan took a big bite of pizza. “Duh,” he said with a full mouth. “And where’s that drink you were supposed to get me?”

“Damn, you’re needy,” Phil said. The words felt a little heavy on his tongue. He shook his head. “Here.” Phil grabbed the rum and coke he’d made Dan from the counter and handed it to him.

“Thanks,” Dan said.

Phil picked up some slices of pizza for himself, and walked with Dan into the downstairs lounge. They filmed their gaming videos in this room, and it had an overstuffed reclining couch that was comfortable, even if it wasn’t, as Dan would call it, ‘aesthetic’. 

They started a re-watch of Game of Thrones. It had always been one of their favorite shows together, and they’d probably only missed watching a handful of them together during the years it had aired. June didn’t like it. She wasn’t much one for the fantasy genre and Roger didn’t really watch TV at all, so Phil didn’t think Dan had ever convinced him to watch it either.

“I still think the first season is my favorite season,” Phil said as an episode ended.

“You and your nostalgia, Phil. I mean, you like the first season of Buffy the best too and Philosopher’s Stone is your favorite Harry Potter.”

“It’s most people’s favorite Harry Potter.”

“That’s because they have no taste.” Dan curled his legs onto the sofa. “Half Blood Prince is by far—”

Phil scoffed. “You only like it because of your weird Voldemort fetish.”

“It’s technically a Tom Riddle fetish and it’s not my fault they made a serious casting error in Chamber of Secrets that’s left with me with an unfortunate Dark Lord kink.”

“Never say ‘unfortunate Dark Lord kink’ ever again.” Phil laughed, deep in his chest. He still remembered Dan’s voice during the first pinof. Voldemort’s pretty fit to be honest. The memory fluttered through Phil, and he let out a shaky breath. 

Dan stretched as he stood up from the sofa. It was pretty late so, for a moment, Phil thought Dan was going to head to bed.

“I need more to drink. You want some.”

Phil knew he should say no. He’d already had enough and he had to get up tomorrow to get the kids where they needed to go, but Dan was looking down at him, his t-shirt rolled up just a little, enough for Phil to see the skin under his navel. Dan was smiling like he just really wanted to stay up and spend more time with Phil. Phil had no idea how to say no to that. So he didn’t even try.

Phil grabbed his empty glass off the side table and handed it to Dan. “Yeah, sure. Thanks.”

Dan walked off, and Phil sat there so incredibly relaxed that he was reminded of the knot, the pit, that was normally settled in his stomach—the pit that had been there for longer than he cared to admit. A feeling of being unsettled and tense had become so constant in Phil’s life that its sudden absence shook him. Before he could think too much about it, Dan fumbled back down the stairs, holding their full glasses and a grocery sack around his wrist.

Phil furrowed his brow. “What on earth is in that?”

Dan didn’t answer. He just poured the contents on the couch by Phil. It was a mix of brightly-colored candy. “You weren’t saving this for anything, were you?”

“Not anymore.” Phil laughed.

With a grin, Dan plopped down on the couch and started tearing into the candy. Phil opened up a chocolate bar and took a bite.

“Should we watch more Game of Thrones?” Dan asked.

Phil shook his head. For some reason, he didn’t just want to sit here in silence with Dan, focused on something else. He wanted to talk with him, to play with Dan. “I have a better idea.” Phil popped up from the couch and walked over to open the closet. Inside were shelves full of the kids’ board games.

“Oh my God. We have to play Hungry Hungry Hippos,” Dan’s voice came from behind Phil, startling him.

“What are you—“

Dan reached around Phil, his cheek grazing Phil’s shoulder. He smelled like the rum they’d been drinking and like Phil’s Imperial Leather body wash.

The games thudded as Dan pulled the orange Hungry, Hungry Hippos box out of the closet and dropped it down on the floor. Dan sat down beside it and motioned for Phil to join him.

“How much rum have you had?” Phil asked, shaking his head.

Dan ignored him as he pulled off the top of the game box. He quickly started arranging the pieces. “You know what we should do?”

“What?” Phil cautiously sat down across from Dan, who was sitting cross-legged, looking soft and content in the dim light.

Dan connected the purple hippo to the game board. “Strip Hungry Hungry Hippos.”

“Let me rephrase,” Phil said. “How much rum have you fucking had?”

Dan threw his head back and laughed. It was lucky they were far enough from the kids room they could pretty much make as much noise as they wanted to without worrying about waking them up.

“You should see your face.” Dan was still laughing. “Is the thought of me stripping that terrifying?”

“I’ve seen you naked, Dan,” Phil said because it was true. But it was the sort of true they never talked about.

“Well, calm your tits. We can just play normal Hungry Hungry Hippos.”

“There’s nothing normal about two men in their thirties playing Hungry Hungry Hippos on the floor at half past midnight.”

Dan’s bottom lip pouted out. “Just shut up and pick your hippo.” 

Phil scooted over next to the blue hippo as Dan downed the rest of his rum and coke, that Phil was eighty-six percent sure was almost entirely rum. Dan dumped the little marbles between the four hippos and said “go”.

Their large, adult hands pounded on the little plastic levers as their hippos mouths opened to snatch the bouncing marbles. The sound of clacking and soft chuckles filled the room Phil could feel the laughter, a warm ache in his belly, as Dan snatched up the last of the plastic marbles with his little hippo.

“Let’s count,” Dan said, his words a little slurred. “I wanna see who won.” He scooped the marbles from his tray into his hands, while Phil counted his by sight.

“Fifteen,” Dan said.

“Eighteen,” Phil replied.

“Don’t believe you.” Dan scooted over on the carpet, stretching out and leaning so his head was over Phil’s laps. Dan’s head was right between his knees, his curls falling softly down. Phil tensed, gripping his fingers into the carpet, resisting a strange urge to twist his finger into one of Dan’s curls. He remembered when they’d met, and Dan had hated his natural hair. He remembered the hours he used to spend straightening it. It seemed so long ago now.

Phil nearly jumped when Dan laid his head on Phil’s knee and whisper, “I lost count.”

For some reason, this was fucking hilarious to Phil and he let out a loud snort, which just sent Dan into a fit of laughter and suddenly, they were both giggling, rolling over onto the floor and clutching at their sides. They were drunk on alcohol and exhaustion and the ‘just us’ feeling they’d gone without for so long. Phil missed it. God, how he missed it. 

Dan-and-Phil. Singular.

Eventually, their laughter softened and faded to nothing. Dan scooted back up against the couch and popped some more of the candy into his mouth. He was looking right at Phil, for longer than usual, and smiled.

“What should we play next? You got Candy Land?”

“We’re not playing Candy Land, you lunatic.” Phil scooted back up onto the couch and ate another one of the small chocolate bars. The candy Dan had brought down was mostly gone. Phil didn’t remember them eating it, which made him think they’d had more to drink than he remembered

Dan knocked all the remaining candy onto the floor and then pushed himself up onto the couch with Phil. He reached down along the side of the sofa, clearly fumbling for the lever to lift the footrest.

“Teddy broke it last week, Dan. Remember?” Phil yawned.

“Oh, yeah.” Dan’s mouth stretched wide like a big cat. He kicked his legs up and let them thus back down. “Where do I put my legs?”

Phil lifted his leg rest and settled back into the couch. “Well, where have you been putting them all night?”

“On the floor, but I'm too tired for that now.”

“If you're tired go to bed,” Phil said, though he didn't really want Dan to move any further away than he was right now.

Dan shook his head. “Not that tired. Just my legs. I'm gonna share with you.”

“What?”

“Yeah, scoot your ass over.”

Phil hesitated, but his rum muddled mind gave in easily. He pressed himself up against the plush arm rest. The sofa leather squeaked a little as Dan slid over, pressing up against Phil’s side. With a comfortable groan, Dan stretched his legs out beside Phil’s, wiggling his bare toes. They were painted in a barely-pink translucent glitter polish. Phil forgot Dan did that now, forgot how comfortable Dan had become with himself. It was probably Roger who’d made him that way. Phil found himself bristling at the thought.

“S-so, more Game of Thrones?” Phil asked, trying to get out of his own head.

“Gimme your phone,” Dan said sleepily.

“Why?”

“Left mine upstairs. Want music.”

Phil handed the phone over and Dan typed in Phil’s password. It wasn't strange that Dan knew his password, was it? They were best friends. That was a normal best friend thing to know.

After a few moments of Dan scrolling, music began to play from Phil’s phone. It was an old Perfume Genius song Phil knew Dan loved. After that, he played a new band Phil had never heard of but enjoyed, though he knew he wouldn't remember the band name tomorrow. Dan played some Harry Styles, some Frank Ocean—all of it deep and intense but a little sensual—and Dan was getting this look that meant he was falling away for a moment from the world, like he sometimes did, but he could take Phil with him if he wanted to. Dan turned his head toward Phil and Phil let Dan draw him into that place in his head, and not for the first time.

Had Roger ever been here? Phil wondered. Had Dan ever let him in like this? Phil hoped not, though that was horribly unfair. Roger was Dan’s boyfriend, his partner of five years. Phil was just Dan’s friend.

As the music played on, Dan’s eyes sank and he drifted to sleep. Phil could get up, turn off the lights and slide into his own bed, but he didn't. He let Dan fall asleep against him, his head tucked against Phil’s shoulder, his little breaths tickling Phil’s arm. 

If Phil curled into him, if he brushed a finger under the sleeve of Dan’s white t-shirt or let their feet tangle together, no one would ever have to know.

Chapter 6

“Dad! Dad, where are you?” Teddy’s voice carried down the stairs and jolted Dan awake. 

Dan was still on the couch in the downstairs lounge, his head a drumbeat from last night’s rum. He looked down to where his legs had threaded with Phil’s, his cheek still pressed to Phil’s solid chest. Their eyes met for a moment, a brief stay from reality before the panic crashed in.

“Dad! There you are!” It was Teddy again. This time his voice was enough to shake Phil out from under Dan.

Phil was stood there, just a few feet away, sleep rumpled. His hair was stuck up in the back, his glasses askew on his nose and he had a line of Dan’s saliva darkening his t-shirt. 

Fuck.

Phil straightened out his glasses as he looked at his son. “What are you doing?”

“Um, I have to be at school in like twenty minutes.”

“Oh no!” Phil’s eyes widened in panic. “Go, come on. Get your backpack and let’s go.”

“I need lunch! You need to pack lunch, Dad.”

“Right. Okay, okay.” Phil looked stricken. He was many things and good at many things but, despite being the inventor of the Seven Second challenge, Phil had always become a neurotic bundle of nerves under a time limit. 

Dan stood from the couch, ignoring his powerful squeeze of a headache. “Can you buy lunch, Teddy?”

“No. It's grilled cheese day.” Teddy let out an impatient sigh. He shared his father’s hatred of cheese unless its evils were cancelled out by the wonders of pizza.

Upstairs, Rosalie let out a shrill wail, and Phil tensed even more.

“I'll get her,” Dan said.

Phil nodded. “Thanks. I’ll make Teddy’s lunch and get him to school.” It was clear he was saying it more to guide himself than to inform Dan.

Dan gave Phil the smallest smile of reassurance and they were off. Dan hurried upstairs, scooped up Rosalie from her bed and dabbed at her wet cheeks with her blanket.

“Don't cry, munchkin.”

She sniffed. “Why are you here, Uncle Dan?”

“I stayed the night with your dad last night.” Dan tensed. The way he said those words sounded like something else, but of course, Rosalie wouldn't notice or care.

“You and Daddy had a sleepover?”

“Sort of, Rosie.”

Rosalie snuggled in tighter to his chest. “I want milk.”

Holding Rosalie, Dan continued down the hall. He started to set her down and she gripped tighter to his t-shirt. 

“Can you walk?” he asked.

She shook her head. “Want you to carry me.”

“Alright, alright.” Dan adjusted for a better grip as he trotted down the stairs.

In the kitchen, Phil frantically shoved a granola bar into Teddy’s hands and gave Dan a comedic look of stressed fear before bolting toward the front door with Teddy trailing behind. 

For breakfast, Dan poured them both bowls of cereal. They sat down at the small kitchen table and ate. Once they finished, Dan picked out some clothes for Rosalie—some skinny jeans and a black t-shirt with small glittery stars—and then dressed himself in black skinny jeans and white-and-black striped jumper. He went back downstairs and brewed Phil a pot of coffee. He’d need it when he got back, and Dan curled up on the couch with Rosalie to watch The Aristocats which was her favorite movie. June owned every old animated Disney movie. There were so many Dan hadn't seen, hadn't known existed, but after babysitting Phil’s two kids over the years. He’d seen them all now. 

Phil came back through the door and let out a heavy sigh. 

“Did you make it in time?” Dan asked.

“No, and the secretary had the audacity to give me a pamphlet on the dangers on truancy.”

“Sorry, mate. I made you coffee though. It's in the kitchen.” His lips twitched into a small smile. “Take a shower, get ready. Whatever you need to do. I've got Rosie.”

Phil softened visibly, the tension running out of his shoulders. “Thanks, Dan.”

“Uncle Dan stop talking. It's the best part!”  Rosalie scooted off the couch to dance to the swinging jazz sound of  ‘Everybody Wants To Be A Cat’. 

Rosalie had moved on to crashing Teddy’s hand-me-down collection of toy cars by the time Phil came into the living room holding what Dan imagined was his second cup of coffee. He looked good, less frazzled now. His hair was well quiffed, his glasses free of obvious smudges. He wore a button-up with little hedgehogs, jeans and mismatched wool socks.

“You ready for daycare, Rosie?” Phil asked.

She shook her head vigorously. “No! I want to stay with Uncle Dan.”

He and Phil had some work they could do, but after last night, Dan tensed at the thought of being alone with Phil. It was silly—Phil was just Phil—but it still felt somewhat dangerous. Dan needed to get time between having woken up practically in Phil’s arms and being alone with Phil again. He worried sometimes that it was obvious...his...crush...Dan finally managed in his head. Or the sense memory of it, at least. He would never let his dumb shit ruin the best parts of his life, these kids and Phil…they were everything.

“I don't know…” Phil hesitated, looking to Dan.

Dan gave a little shrug he hoped said “Let her stay.” It seemed to because Phil was smiling softly.

“Alright, Rosie, but you're going to clean your room today then.”

She pouted, but gave in with a muttered “Okay, Daddy” and continued crashing her toy cars off the coffee table. 

The three of them spent the rest of the day together. It was something they had never really done, just Dan and Phil and Rosie, without June. It was, well, nice. They played board games, made sandwiches for lunch and ate them at park. They checked out some books at the library on their way home. Rosalie calling him Uncle Dan got him mistaken for Phil’s brother by some people they'd run into that Phil knew from the PTA. He bristled at the suggestion more than he should have and he found himself even more inexplicably put off when Phil didn't correct them. 

By the time they were back at Phil’s and Rosalie was playing with her kitchen set, Dan was in a mood and had started doing the dishes.

“Okay what's wrong?” Phil asked.

“What do you mean?”

“You only clean my house if something’s wrong.” Phil hopped up to sit in the counter. “Tell me.”

Dan had always had a hard time resisting a direct order from Phil. “It's nothing. It's dumb. Just those PTA people.” This sounds so stupid.

Phil’s brow furrowed. Of course he didn't get it. There was nothing to get. “What about them?”

“They called me your brother. I'm not your brother.”

“I know.”

“You didn't correct them.”

Phil gave Dan a funny look he couldn't parse. “I'm sorry. I should have.” 

 

There was no edge to his voice, no sarcasm. He didn't continue to question Dan or ask him to explain himself. He just accepted that he hurt Dan and he apologized for it. How was Phil even real?

Dan smiled and stopped putting the dishes away, even though the sink was still half full. He really did only clean when he was upset.

Phil looked at Dan again, another unreadable expression. “You want to go out for burgers tonight? There's that new place.”

“Yeah, we should. Maybe we could all get frozen yoghurt after.”

While Rosalie took an unexpected nap, they managed to film a short gaming video. Some new stupid app that was all the rage. Dan called his insurance again, and they said they'd have a cleaning crew out tomorrow, but they weren't sure when they'd be finished. They offered to put Dan up at hotel, but he told them they were staying at a friend’s for now, but he’d let them know if anything changed. Dan wasn't sure Roger would be up to staying with the Lesters for an extended and uncertain period, if he was in town. When he got off the phone with the insurance, he called Roger.

Roger answered, “Hey, Love. How are you?”

“Fine. Just over at Phil’s. Insurance said it could be a few weeks before we can get back in the house.”

“Oh wow, I'm sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? I should have called about that pipe a month ago.”

“It’s okay. Things happens.” Roger was so understanding sometimes that it could come across to Dan like he didn't care. 

“Yeah, I guess. Our insurance said they’ll pay for a hotel. Phil’s good with us staying here but I didn't know if you wanted to-”

“That's fine. It’ll be good to spend some more time with Phil and the kids and help out while June is gone, if we can.”

A smile curled onto Dan’s face. “It's been good to see them.”

“I'm sorry, Daniel, but I’ve a meeting to get to. We’re trying a new species of grape for a specialty wine. I’ll be back by the end of the week. I love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

“Goodbye, Love.”

Later that evening, after Phil picked up Teddy from school, they all went out for burgers. When they came home, Teddy somehow talked them into kicking the football around in the backyard. When their calves started to ache, they traipsed back inside, taking streaks of dirt along with them. Dan popped some microwave popcorn and they watched My Neighbor Totoro.  When Rosalie fell asleep in Phil’s arms, he carried up her to bed. 

Teddy slid off the couch.

“You heading up to your room?” Dan asked.

“Yeah, guess so,” Teddy mumbled.

“It’s going to be good to hang out with you more. It’s been awhile since we’ve got to see a lot of each other.”

Teddy looked at him for a moment, his brow drawn together.  “When are you going home?”

“Whenever they get the river out of my house.”

“Oh.” Teddy was looking down at the floor. “Is Roger going to stay here with us?”

“Yeah, when he gets back from the vineyards.” Dan smiled. “You like Roger quite a bit, don’t you?”

Teddy’s head snapped up and he blinked. “Do you?”

Dan drew back. “Of, of course. “

“Oh, okay.” Teddy stuck his hands into the pockets of his jeans and turned away.

“Goodnight, Teddy.”

“Night, Dan,” he said quietly as he fumbled up the stairs. 

Moments later, Phil came back into the living room. He grinned at Dan. “So,” Phil said. “What do you want to do? You up for continuing our Game of Thrones marathon?”

A tug in Dan’s chest made him want to say yes, but somehow, he found himself saying, “I’d love to, but I’m so beat, mate. “

The grin on Phil’s face fell away. “When did you get so responsible?”

“Not responsible. Lazy. I’ve always been lazy.” Dan laughed. “Let’s make some videos tomorrow, okay?”

Phil nodded, slipping his hands into his pockets, a gentle smile curling onto his face.

God, he looked good like that— a dark red t-shirt and black shorts that were shorter than they needed to be. He had nice thighs, lean but firm and this was exactly why Dan was calling it early that night. He’d go up to his room, crawl into his old sheets and pull himself together. 

Everything would be fine in the morning, he told himself. Just fine.

Chapter 7

Notes:

i'm posting now instead of tomorrow. i hope that works :)

 

Phil woke up the next morning to the maple-scent of bacon. Mouth-watering, he shuffled into the kitchen expecting to find Dan standing over the stove. Instead, Phil saw Roger there, plating some bacon. The kids were already sitting at the table and Dan was hunched over the coffee maker. 

Phil was still sleepy and bleary eyed. He blinked and yawned. “Roger?”

“Sorry, mate. I hope I’m not imposing.”

“No, of course not,” Phil said, but he felt strangely unsettled. His gaze drifting toward Dan like there would be some sort of explanation there. Dan wasn’t looking at Phil at all though. “But what are you doing here? I mean, I thought you had meetings at the vineyard.”

“Finished them up last night.” Roger grabbed the orange juice out of the fridge. “Hopped on a plane over here afterwards. Figured I’d check up on the house and this guy.” He pointed a thumb at Dan, who just gave an awkward smile, complete with dimples. 

“It’s good you could get plane tickets so last minute.”

Roger opened his mouth and a little and then shut it again, his lips drawing into a straight line.

“Right,” Phil said. “You own a plane.” Now that Phil was thinking properly, he was pretty sure Roger owned two planes. 

Holding up the orange juice, Roger turned to the kids. “Who wants orange juice?”

Both kids raised their hands and Rosalie let out a long “me”. 

“Coming right up,” Roger said. He poured the orange juice into the glasses as Dan passed Phil a mug of coffee.

“It’s how you like,” Dan whispered, giving him a small smile.

Phil returned the fond look. “Thanks.”

Phil got the kids to school and came back to find Roger in the kitchen, where Dan was doing the dishes. Roger’s arms were wrapped around Dan’s waist and he was kissing at his ear, trailing down his neck.

Immediately, Phil tensed, then, after a moment, he cleared his throat. Dan seemed to jerk away from Roger. He hadn’t meant to startle Dan that badly.

“Got the kids to school alright?” Roger asked, turning toward to Phil with a wide grin.

Phil prickled—annoyed somehow—and not quite understanding why. 

“Yeah,” he managed after a a few moments too long. 

“That’s good,” Roger said, still sounding too cheery for this early in the morning. “And how’s June’s mum doing? Well, I hope.” 

“She’s fine,” Phil found himself being unnecessarily short with Roger, but he also found himself feeling as if Roger was being extra formal some how. He always was a little, but this felt like more. Roger and June were friends. Phil couldn’t imagine that neither one of them had texted each other during all this time. So, if he wanted to know, ask June. 

“That’s good to hear. I’m sure it’s been hard on everyone,” Roger said. “And then, of course, we had to come barging in.”

“It’s not a problem,” Phil said because it really wasn’t. Because Phil and Roger had been friends for nearly five years, and Phil had no explanation for his whole body responding as if he was some stranger, some sort of too-perfect-looking intruder. 

“Thank you nonetheless,” Roger said with a smile. “If you’ll excuse me, I have a conference call I’m about to be late for.”

“Sorry,” Dan said once Phil was out of earshot.

“Oh, it’s fine…nothing I haven’t seen before.” Phil let out an awkward laugh. “You two couldn’t keep your hands off each other when you first got together.”

“Oh, jeez, yeah. Cringe.” Dan shuddered. “But, seriously, Phil…if it’s too much having us both here we can get a hotel.”

Yeah, Roger could probably just buy a hotel…

Phil shook his head. “No. Don’t be silly.You’re always welcome here and so is Roger, I mean it.” And he did. Whatever weird thoughts were swirling around in his head, it didn’t change that.

“Thanks, Phil.” Dan put a hand on his elbow, his thumb warm and resting in the soft crook. “For everything.”

“Of course.”

“Want to film some gaming while Roger’s on the phone?”

Phil gave a small nod. “Yeah, let’s.”

About halfway through a weird new app game, Roger barged into the gaming room. “Hey Da—oh my God, I’m sorry. Didn’t know you were filming.”

What else did you think we were doing here? What the— Phil needed to get a hold of his thoughts. “It’s okay…no problem.”

Besides having to reshoot like the last twenty minutes.

“I needed a break anyway,” Phil said and shot to his feet.

Dan cast a look at him older his shoulder. “Phil?”

“Sorry…headache,” he said. “We’ll finish up later. Spend some time with Roger.” That last sentence felt heavy on his tongue, but Phil tried not to think about it as he walked out of the room and headed upstairs. 

Why was he so annoyed? And at Roger? Phil had always liked Roger…hadn’t he? He’d encouraged Dan at first…when they’d met at Wimbledon. When Dan had gone to get himself some strawberries and cream—they’d supposedly ran out—but Roger—with all his fancy VIP connections had seen an attractive man upset about missing out, found him in the stands and made a gesture. Phil had encouraged Dan then, joked with him about it, and later he’d encouraged Dan to respond to a tweet that previously nameless man had thrown out into the void:

 

tfw you buy a gorgeous stranger some strawberries and cream and forget to get his number…

 

June had been the one to discover the tweet, the one to share it with Dan, but it had been at Phil’s encouragement that Dan had replied, had outed himself as said ‘gorgeous stranger’.

Phil sighed as he poured himself a glass of water. He’d encouraged Dan when he was freaking out about he and Roger’s first date, and he’d encouraged Dan when they’d decided to date exclusively and when Roger wanted to move in and, all along the way, Phil had done nothing but support Dan and Roger. So why, now, did he suddenly want to tell Roger—perfectly kind, good Roger—to get the fuck on out of his house?

You want Dan all to yourself, a quiet voice snapped at the back of his mind.

He shut it off immediately. Maybe Phil could get a little possessive of his best friend. That was normal, wasn’t it? 

Not like this. 

Okay, Phil really had to shut this voice up now before it got him into trouble. Of course, he was a little possessive of Dan. They’d been friends for so long—best friends and business partners. He never wanted to lose either one of those things.

But Roger was no threat to him. Not in those ways. 

Phil had to get his mind off this—off all of it. He reached into his pocket, pulled out his cell phone and walked upstairs to his bedroom. 

After he shut the door and sat down on his bed, he dialed up June.

The phone rang quite a few times before she eventually answered. She had a laugh in her voice. 

“H-hey, Phil. How are the kids? Everything alright?”

“Yeah, they’re fine. Everything’s fine.”

“Oh good.” She laughed again. There was quite a bit of commotion in the background, like a bunch of simultaneously talking voices. “It’s so awful about Dan and Roger’s.”

“It’s a mess. Won’t be done for a while. They’re both staying here right now.”

“Oh yeah, Roger told me he was headed down there.”

Ah ha, so Roger has been talking to her. I was right. For the love of God, Phil needed to stop. “Oh, well, so the house will be pretty crowded when you get back.”

“I won’t stay long. Just a night and then I’ll take the kids back here with me. My mum is dying to see them both.”

“Oh, right,” Phil had forgotten that June was going to take the kids to visit their grandparents for a while. He had forgotten that it mean he might end up here alone with Dan…well, if Roger had to go back out on business. 

There was another loud rush of laughter and a deep voice saying, “June, get off the phone. It’s our turn.”

“Who’s that?” Phil asked.

“No one. Just an old friend…a neighbor. I knew him as a kid and he took over his parents place across the street after they passed. He’s over for dinner.”

“I didn’t know you were busy…you can go.”

“It’s fine, Phil. I’m glad you called.”

“You are?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I needed to remind you to bring snacks to Rosalie’s daycare tomorrow.”

“Oh, right…of course, I know. You wrote it in a note on the fridge.”

“I did?”

“Yeah.”

“June!” That deep voice called again.

“Phil, I—“

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll talk to you later. Tell your mum I hope she’s doing well.”

“Will do. Bye, Phil.” June hung up.

“Bye,” Phil said to no one at all. 

It was so hard to talk to June when she wasn’t around. It was a little hard to talk to June when she was around. Not because he didn’t like her or she wasn’t a good wife or mother or person, just because they didn’t honestly have a lot in common. There were always stalls in their conversations and physical distance seemed to only make it worse. They weren’t doing anything together so they didn’t have anything to talk about it.

It was a strange contrast to the beginning of his friendship with Dan when they could spend hours talking over Skype about nothing…about everything…anything. Maybe that was just the difference between a best friend and a significant other. 

The idea didn’t quite set right with Phil, but he worried if he went too far down that road, he’d get lost and wouldn’t be able to find his way back. 

In a few hours, he’d pick up the kids, they’d have dinner, play some games, read some books and go to bed. Just like normal. Except June wasn’t here, but Dan was and Roger too and nothing was normal. 

That night, after everything had gone just as Phil had thought, he was lying in his bed with no light but the little lamp glittering across the street. Both the kids were finally asleep on the other side of the house. The last Phil saw, Dan and Roger were still up. Roger had brought back a bottle of wine from the vineyard and they were sharing it in the living room. Roger had invited Phil to join them, but he’d said no. He cited being tired, but the truth was he just wasn’t in the mood for Roger’s PDA tonight. He could never seem to keep his hands off Dan.

Phil turned over in the bed, letting out a heavy breath. He was tense…weirdly so. He figured he was probably just stressed without June.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Phil just wanted to get to sleep. He started counting sheep in his head, but the sheep started turning into floating decapitated Roger heads, which was just confusing and disturbing. Phil had always liked his particularly vivid imagination, but tonight he wished he could just flip a switch and turn his brain off.

There was a thud in the room next to them and a sudden shrill “shh” that Phil was pretty sure belonged to Dan.

Moments later, another thud was followed by a whispered, “Roger, Phil’s right next door”. That was most certainly Dan.

Roger’s voice lowered, muffled somehow so Phil couldn’t quite hear it. He only made out two words from a least a dozen or so. “Don’t care.”

Dan’s “I do” was quickly cut off, followed by another thud. 

“God Dan, you feel good,” Roger growled. “Make me so hard.”

Until this moment, Phil had had no idea how paper-thin the walls in this house were. He pulled his pillow over his head, but it did nothing to keep out Dan’s loud, broken gasp. 

Or to keep out Roger’s grumbled “Get on your knees.”

Phil wasn’t quite sure what Dan said next, but he was pretty sure it was Roger’s name. He didn’t like that very much, for some reason, and Phil just tried to squeeze the pillow down harder around his ears. Tried to ignore strange churning in his own gut.

Phil couldn’t make the individual words out anymore, but then he wasn’t sure they were speaking…he had a sinking suspicious that Dan definitely wasn’t. A morbid curiosity Phil would regret had him ducking his head out from under the pillow.

“Missed you, love,” Roger said. “Missed your mouth.”

Phil shuddered, feeling the blood run out of his face. He couldn’t stop the visual forming in his mind—damn imagination—Dan kneeling, fingers gripped into his curly hair, those large lips wrapped around—Fuck. Phil was hard.

He reached down to try and push his cock down, stave the erection off, but as soon as Phil felt the pressure on his cock, he couldn’t help himself. God help him. He couldn’t.

Phil rubbed his palm against his cock through his pajamas, sending a dizzy rush rolling through his body. 

What am I doing?

There was another thud that made Phil jump and quickly pull his hand away from his dick. 

One more thud and Roger was saying, “Take off your clothes.”

“Roj, we can’t just fuck—”

“Take off your clothes, Daniel.”

“Fuck.” 

Fuck was right. Phil was absolutely fucked because he was managing to be rock hard and sick to his stomach at the same time. Sick to his stomach because he was married and this was Dan and none of this should have him aching and stiff. There was also a twinge of something else, an uncomfortable tightening under his skin each time he heard Roger’s voice.

“You’re gorgeous, Love. Breathtaking.” 

Dan let out a high-pitched laugh that Phil recognized as Dan being uncomfortable, as Dan disagreeing with Roger’s assertion. 

“You are,” Roger said. 

The mattress springs squeaked, and then Dan let out a high-pitched moan. “Oh, God, right there. Don’t stop.”

Phil’s legs tightened around one of his pillows and he thrust slowly against it, like it was different if it wasn’t his hand wrapped around his cock, like this wasn’t the bed he shared with his wife, like this wasn’t her fucking pillow. 

A light groan escaped from Phil’s barely open mouth. He bit down on his cheek. He had to stay quiet. If he could hear them, they could hear him. How would he ever explain this?

“You’re so tight,” Roger said. “Relax.”

“C-can’t”

“Why not?”

“Why not? Because we’re at Phil’s, Roger.”

“I thought you liked the thrill of being caught,” Roger said as the bed squeaked again.

“Oh, fuck. Oh God,” Dan whimpered. 

Phil could barely breathe, his resistance slipping as he teased the line of hair leading to his dick, ran light fingers just under the waistband of his boxers. 

“He could hear us right now, you know,” Roger said. “Your best friend could hear me fingering you open, could hear the noises you make when you’re all stretched out.”

“Roger!” Dan spat, but the snapped name morphed into a low, needy sounding groan.

Phil was fighting with that uncomfortable twinge, with the sick feeling of guilt, but he began to fear that resistance was a losing battle.

“Make all the noise you want, Love. Let Phil hear what you sound like when you’re getting fucked.”

The bed squealed and Dan did too and oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, Phil had a tight grip on his own cock now. He shouldn’t be doing this, he knew that.  Shouldn’t be snapping his wrist up and down, giving into that heady want. He knew it, but he  couldn’t stop himself. He was lost in a suffocating, burning tangle of want and ache and the sound of Dan being unraveled. 

Phil hated his paper-thin walls. He hated them for being too thin, for letting him hear this auditory concert that doubled as a stick of dynamite to the status quo of his quiet, domestic life. He hated them for being too thick, for keeping him from seeing exactly what Dan looked like when he was sweaty and wanting—twisted up with desire—filled up with cock.

God. What was he doing? Thinking of Dan like that? Dan? His best friend, his business parter, his…his Dan. Mine, Phil thought almost aggressively, mine not Roger’s. It’s Dan and Phil, not Dan and—

“Harder,” Dan said with a heaving breath, interrupting Phil’s thoughts. “Fuck me harder.”

Phil slid his hand up and down his dick, imagining those words said to him, in a different universe, one where he’d made different choices, been more careful and yet less afraid. If there was a universe for every possibility there had to be a universe where Phil wasn’t just middle-aged and fuck closeted and jacking off to the sound of his best friend getting fucked—where he didn’t feel the cold metal of his wedding band against his cock every time he moved his hand to chase this hidden want for another man. There had to be a universe where he didn’t have to hate himself for this. 

For how much he wanted Dan.

Fuck.

Before Phil could think anymore about it, the bed squeaks grew louder, the thuds of the frame against the wall became quicker, more intense. It was like their breaths, their grunts, their whimpers were everything, like they were the only sounds Phil had ever heard. And Dan’s noises—high and needy—cut through everything else like a knife. Phil wished he could take those sounds, twist them up like candy floss, and wrap the strands around his tongue. 

I’ve lost my mind. I’ve lost my damn mind. 

“I’m close,” Dan cried out. “Don’t stop. Please, please.”

The sound of Dan begging was too much—the final straw—and Phil was coming, biting into his pillow, to stop himself from shouting as his orgasm boiled over, burned him from the inside out, left him shaking, left him barely coherent, barely alive.

“Oh God, oh God, oh God,” Dan said. “Fuck, I’m….Fi—“ His last word was cut off by a strangled shout and Roger’s dark, heavy groan. 

With the last tendrils of pleasure, running out of Phil’s body, fizzling away, he was left with nothing but that sick feeling and a sticky hand. Nothing but the knowledge that he’d gotten off to his best friend in the bed Phil shared with his wife. Nothing but a passing understanding of theoretical physics that left him feeling homesick for a universe that didn’t belong to him. 

Chapter 8

Dan couldn’t believe what he’d almost done as he laid there in that bed—in his old bed sheets from a life that he suddenly felt so vividly close to—as if, he’d never left it behind him at all. Then Roger’s head fell on his chest, and it punched the air out of Dan’s lungs, threw him headlong back to reality. 

He had left that life behind so long ago. It didn’t matter what maybe, in a moment of weakness, he’d allowed himself to imagine. It didn’t matter the name that had almost fallen out of his mouth when he’d come on his boyfriend’s cock. A name that didn’t belong to his boyfriend but to his best friend. 

Fuck.

“That was different,” Roger muttered softly and placed a gentle kiss to Dan’s sweaty chest.

“Yeah.” Dan's throat tightened and he resisted the urge to squirm away from Roger because Roger didn’t deserve this. Dan had to get his fucking shit together because it hadn’t always been like this.

Dan remembered the first time he and Roger had sex, remembered how unafraid of it Roger had been. It hadn’t been like most of the other guys Dan had been with—or the women either for that matter. Roger hadn’t just seen Dan as an easy, forgettable lay, a quiet lay—in those days before Dan’s sexuality was a matter of public knowledge. 

Roger was smart and funny—ridiculously attractive—and almost entirely devoid of pretension for someone who owned vineyards and had royal blood in his veins. Dan remembered how slow their first time had been—eventually Dan saw the different shades of Roger’s fucking—but that first time was slow, like sweet, warm treacle. Roger hadn’t stopped wanting to kiss him just because they were naked, and Dan had never been opened up like that, slow and tender. It had been so good and so different and so impossible that someone like Roger would want someone like him.

He remembered thinking that night, tangled up in Roger’s expensive sheets, in a penthouse overlooking the London skyline, that maybe he could fall in love again, that maybe there was hope and that hope looked like Roger Ackerly. 

And it was true that Dan fell in love again. He really, really had. So how did it get like this? How did it turn to imagining someone else inside him, someone else’s hands all over his body? 

Dan squeezed his eyes shut and wrapped his arms around Roger. A part of Dan wanted to run away, to tell Roger to have his assistant get them a plane to some far-off island and not come home for weeks. They could sip fruity drinks full of rum and fuck in the rising tide. Maybe it could feel like it used to feel. Maybe it could feel right again.

The problem wasn’t that Dan didn’t care about Roger. The problem wasn’t that he wasn’t attracted to Roger. The problem was that his heart ached for someone else, longed for someone else. Someone he couldn’t have. 

The problem was that when Roger broke the layers of rust off Dan’s heart, he’d just opened him back up to the reason the rust had ended up there in the first place. It was a vicious cycle—and the hope Roger made Dan feel five years ago now tasted a hell of a lot like hopelessness. 

Dan didn’t know what else to do beside just lay there in silence, staring into the darkness, listening to Roger’s slow breaths as he drifted to sleep. 

 

The next morning, Dan woke up alone. It wasn’t a surprise. Roger was a morning person, afterall. He’d usually get up around 5:30 and go for a run, then come home and meditate and drink his morning cup of green tea. Dan appreciated that Roger had never tried to drag him into his ridiculous routine, even if occasionally Roger would try to tell him things about macros and probiotics. 

Dan hopped in the shower, then pulled on some clothes and headed downstairs. Phil was sitting at the kitchen table, scrolling through stuff on his IPad. Dan checked the clock on the stove. It was only 7 am.

“You’re up early,” Dan said.

Phil startled, nearly dropping his ipad. “Dan!”

“Sorry for the jumpscare.”

“Like announce yourself when you come into a room. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

Dan chuckled as he opened up the cupboard and pulled out a box of cereal and tried to sound normal. “Should I just carry the announcement moose around wherever I go and constantly toot in its ass, would that make you happy?”

Phil chuckled and looked over at Dan. “Yes, but for different reasons.”

“My humiliation?” Dan said as he poured some cereal. 

“That’s it.” Phil smiled and pushed his glasses up his nose. “I made some extra coffee if you want any.”

“Where are the kids?” Dan asked.

“Still, asleep. I’m going to have to wake them in like fifteen minutes.”

Dan laughed. “Good luck.”

As Dan finished gathering his cereal and coffee, Phil said, “I was thinking we haven’t done a Day In The Life vid this year.”

“Oh, shit. You’re right. You got an idea?”

“Yeah, kind of.” Phil took a sip of his coffee. “An Autumn Day in Life.”

Dan sat down with his coffee and cereal at the kitchen table with Phil. “How have we not done that before?”

Phil shrugged. “I guess because we’ve done other things, like we did the pumpkin patch with the kids that one time and trick-or-treating last year.”

“So, what are you thinking for this?”

Phil rubbed at the back of his neck. “Well, just like a classic DITL, like we haven’t done one in a long time. Just the two of us.”

Dan blinked. They hadn’t done that in a long time. June and Roger and the kids were such an integral part of their lives it was pretty hard not to include them. “Really?”

“I mean, Roger can be in it. I’m not saying he can’t, but just June is going to be gone with the kids in a little while, and we could just kind of spend the day together.”

Dan hated how much it sounded like Phil was asking him on a date and hated himself for how much he wanted to pretend that was the case. It was completely ridiculous seeing how often Dan and Phil still did stuff just the two of them—movies and plays and Starbucks trips. There was that holiday to Japan, but that was years and years ago now. 

“Dan?”

“Huh?”

“Autumn Festive DITL?” 

Dan nodded. “Yeah, sounds great. Let’s do it…In related news, I need to work on a video for dinof. I’ve been writing a story time for the house flooding. I made a cheeky tweet the other day and people have been flipping their shit. Might be good to explain. I’ve got a bunch of sketches and I’m drafting you into service.”

“At any point, do I get to throw water at you?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yes.”

  “Then I’m in.”

They sat just talking at the kitchen table for awhile, and it was so easy and normal, that Dan had managed to push the awful tangle of feelings and thoughts from the night before mostly aside. They were laughing about the latest episode of the new anime they were watching when Roger came in through the sliding door, his hair sweaty and his headphones hanging around his neck. 

“Hey, guys.” He poured some water in a glass and downed the whole thing in a gulp. “How’s your morning?”

“Uh, fine,” Phil said, looking down at the table. “You?”

The blood drained out of Dan’s face. Phil had—minus the original jumpiness—seemed normal, but now he looked tense and he wasn’t looking Roger in the eye. Roger had just been fucking around about Phil overhearing, but was it possible that Phil had actually heard them the night before? If so, how much had he heard? 

“Good. Tired this morning, but the run helped.” Roger sat down his water glass and walked over to Dan. “Morning, Love,” Roger said, then kissed Dan, a little too long, his tongue pressing against the shut seam of Dan’s lips.

When Roger noticed the resistance, he backed away, but not without giving Dan a confused look.

“Morning, Roj. How was your run?” The question felt stilted and weird. Dan never asked Roger about his morning run because Dan didn’t entirely understand outside or running if you weren’t being chased. 

“Fine,” Roger said, putting the back of his hand on Dan’s forehead.

“What are you doing?”

“You just asked about my work out.  I’m checking for a fever.”

Dan glared at Roger. “Ha ha. I’m dating a real comedian.”

Phil just shook his head. “There’s some more coffee, if Dan didn’t drink it all.”

“If he did, I’ll just drink some of his.”

“With the amount of cream and sugar he puts in it?” Phil asked.

Roger chuckled and shot a finger-gun at Phil. “Good call…so what are we up to today?”

“You don’t have work to do or anything?” Phil asked, looking at Roger.

“Free as a bird,” he said. 

Dan shrunk down a little in his chair. Even though Roger had been around for five years they’d never really hung out just the three of them. June was always there and there was something about four that was just inherently more balanced than three. 

“We have a video to film today,” Dan said.

“Another gaming vid?” Roger asked.

“No,” Phil said. “Dan wants to do a story time about the flood. I told him I’d help him out with it.”

Roger smiled. “Cool! Count me in.”

Dan did his best to ignore the disappointment settling in the pit of his stomach.  He guessed he’d known he couldn’t just spend the whole day with Phil, but it still bothered him a little. He never got as much time with just Phil as he wanted. 

“Really?” Dan asked. “You never help me with my videos.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Roger wrapped his arms around Dan’s neck and put his chin on Dan’s head. “I hate how busy I am. I need to take off more time for just us.”

“It’s okay,” Dan said. “You have an actual life. Unlike us.”

“I’d argue with you,” Phil said. “But I have no evidence to the contrary.” He stood up from the table. “I’ve got to wake up the kids and drag their butts to school.” He gave Dan the barest hint of a smile before walking out of the kitchen.

Roger sat down at the table by Dan. He reached over and put a hand on Dan’s thigh, then stroked his hand back and forth. Dan tensed in a way that must have seemed like interest to Roger because Roger slid his hand up Dan’s leg and leaned in to start kissing Dan’s neck.

Dan just tensed even more as Roger’s mouth smacked wetly against his skin. His neck had always been oversensitive in a way that was usually tied into arousal, but right now Dan found the feeling, well, gross. He ducked away from Roger’s touch.

“What’s going on?” Roger said.

“Nothing. We’re just in Phil’s living room for God’s sake. The kids will be down here any minute, and you’re fucking all over me.”

Roger leaned back. “And that’s a problem, all of a sudden?”

“When we’re in someone else’s house, it is.”

“Jesus, Daniel. We’re at Phil’s, not your grandparents.”

“That’s not the…” Dan huffed. “I’m pretty fucking sure he heard us last night.”

Roger rubbed a hand over his face, that was still slightly pink from the run. “Shit, you really think so?”

“He was acting weird, wasn’t he?”

“I…I guess so.”

“Dammit, Dan. You were right. We shouldn’t have… I’m sorry. I’ll apologize to him.”

Dan’s heart flipped in his chest. “No…God, please don’t.”

“He’s being so generous letting us stay here and I didn’t mean to make him uncomfortable in his own home, I need to say something.”

“Roger,” Dan felt his voice crack. “Don’t. I’m already mortified enough.”

Roger let out a long sigh. “If you’re absolutely certain.”

Dan nodded vigorously. “I am. Just…don’t say anything to him.”

“Okay, Love.” Roger kissed Dan’s forehead as he stood up. “If you think it’s for the best.” 

“It is,” Dan barely managed through a tight throat. 

“I’m going to hop in the shower,” Roger said, then left Dan alone in the kitchen.

Dan leaned back in his chair and covered his face with his hands. How did he let things get that far last night? And fuck was Phil going to like bring it up to him sometime? How in the hell would Dan even make it to the other side of that conversation without straight up dying of embarrassment? 

He couldn’t think about it anymore. So Dan decided to occupy his mind with something else. He’d go up to the guest room and finish up the script for the flood story time. Then when Phil got back from dropping the kids off, they could work on it. Well, him and Phil and maybe Roger too. Just fantastic. 

Eventually, he got the script written with Roger only coming in to interrupt him a  few times. Dan figured after all these years Roger would’ve gotten the idea that Dan needed his time and space when filming and preparing to film. But, when they were first dating, of course, it had been so new and exciting that maybe he had walked away from working on occasion to spend time with Roger. Sometimes it felt like Roger was still living in five years ago and Dan was here and now—unsure how to be that person he used to be. 

Dan situated himself in front of the camera, the angle similar to what it had been years ago in their apartment. The red light was flashing so Dan cleared his throat and began speaking.

“Hello Internet. No, you didn’t accidentally click on the wrong video or get sucked into a time vortex and end up back in 2012. My background is a little different today because I’m filming in Phil’s guest room…”

Dan paused, considering whether or not he should add something about the bed sheets being his old ones from years ago, but he figured that would just end up drawing more attention to it. If someone on Twitter brought it up, he’d just address it in a reply.

Once Dan had filmed the bits that were just him talking to the camera, he left Phil’s guest room to get Phil to help with the skits. He found Phil sitting on his bed, glasses slid down his nose, his eyes slightly squinting as his laptop screen, which made the crows feet around his eyes stand out. Dan had always thought Phil was an attractive man, ever since he’d first seen him online, and that had only become more true, more obvious with time. 

“Phil,” Dan said, his voice a little softer and deeper than he had intended.

Phil jumped a little.

“I’m just startling the shit out of you today. Sorry, mate.”

“I’m just jumpy today.” Phil shut his laptop. “Ready for me?”

Dan froze momentarily, his mind skidding to a halt. I’ve always been ready for you.

“For me to help you film,” Phil supplied.

Dan blinked. “Oh yeah, right. Of course. That is why I came in here.”

“Well,” Phil slid off the bed. He was wearing shorts again and rode up his pale thighs as he moved.

Dan swallowed and bit down on the inside of his cheek. God, he had to stop thinking like that. He had gotten used to pushing things away, so he pushed away that thought and started working down his script with things they needed to film. There were some of a Dan making a shocked face, some of him pretending to fall in a puddle, and then they got to the part where he was already wet.

“Wait,” Phil said. “Is this the part where I get to throw water at you?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “But, seriously we need to figure out the best way to do this.”

Phil thought about it for a minute. “You reckon you should just stand in the shower?”

“You want me to stand in the shower with all my clothes on.”

“More or less.” Phil shrugged. “You got a better idea.”

Dan didn’t particularly want to get dripping wet in jeans and one of his favorite sweaters, but he always didn’t like chickening out of a good skit idea.

“Alright, fine.”

They walked into Phil’s bedroom and to the master bathroom because the shower was bigger. Phil insisted on coming with him to film because he said it would be great blooper material. Dan shot him a glare but didn’t protest otherwise. 

“Well…get in,” Phil said.

“I’ve got turn to the water on first.”

“Why?”

Dan paused for a moment. “Wait…do you get in the shower first? Do you turn the spray on while you’re standing underneath it.”

“Yeah, so…”

Dan just stared at Phil, who looked back at him like he hadn’t just said something absolutely bonkers. “God, you’re fucking weird, Lester.” A small smile broke out on Dan’s face as he turned the shower handle. “I can’t believe there’s still things I don’t know about you after all these years.” 

Phil cast a look at Dan over his shoulder, and Dan looked back. There was a strange moment of silence—tense and unexpected—as the water splashed against tub basin.

“Let me get the camera on,” Phil finally said.

“Right, yeah.” Dan shook his head.

“I need to directly capture your shame as you climb totally dressed into my shower.”

Dan flipped Phil off and then tugged back the shower curtain. He tested the spray to make sure it wasn’t freezing and then stepped into the artificial downpour. He cringed as the water hit his face and rolled off his shoulders soaking his sweater and jeans.

Phil started laughing, little hissed noises between his teeth. The sound was one that always made Dan smile.

“Shut up,” Dan said, feeling like a proper drowned rat. “Alright, alright, shut it off. You’ve captured enough of my shame.”

Phil laughed a little more before turning off the camera and setting it on the countertop, as Dan turned off the shower. Dan stepped out of the tub and when he lifted his second foot, he realized that wet socks on slippery bathroom tiles were a recipe for disaster. 

Dan slid, let out a high pitched squeak, and toppled right into Phil. The force pushed Phil back a little, and if it wasn’t for the door behind them, they would have fallen onto the floor. 

Dan was pressed against Phil, who’s back was to the door, and Dan was a little afraid of moving because of his wet socks, but mostly he was just a thief. Desperate and willing to steal a moment like this when it was dropped into his lap. Phil was solid and warm and Dan knew he was soaking his clothes, but Phil hadn’t pushed him away yet. He was probably too startled. So there they were, in the cool light of Phil’s bathroom, touching thigh to chest, their faces just inches apart…their mouths just inches apart.

“Dan…” Phil breathed.

“Phil?” But it was Roger’s voice. Not Dan’s. 

The sound hit Dan like the roar of a jet engine.  He skidded away from Phil.

“You seen Dan?” Still Roger. Dan hadn’t managed a single word.

“Y-yeah,” Phil called out, turning away from Dan. “We’re working on the vid in here. Come in.”

Phil kept his head down like he was trying to avoid Dan’s gaze as he pushed open the door. Dan leaned back against the bathroom counter, his hands braced back on the cold granite. 

Roger stepped into the bathroom. “What’s going on in here?”

Dan knew he meant the mess and Dan being dripping wet, but it was the same question Dan had, even if it carried different meaning. 

What was going on here?

Chapter 9

Notes:

not sure there will be an update on thursday because it's thanksgiving in the US and I won't be home, but we'll see!

Phil felt stiff as he walked out the bathroom, letting Roger and Dan traipse behind him. Had Dan felt the same thing Phil had felt in that moment, when they were so close? Had he felt the same beneath-the-skin electricity that turned everything else in the world into buzzing white noise? Was Phil alone in this feeling? 

If he was, he hadn’t always been. Phil never permitted himself to think about it, but there had been a time before—before Roger and kids and June—and Phil had known how Dan felt about him then. Now…now was an entirely different story. Phil really had no idea. 

So caught up in his thoughts, they were all in the entrance hallway before Phil even realized it.

“Phil? Phil.” Dan’s voice managed to wind its way through the static in Phil’s mind. “Do you want to help me with this?” Dan was holding out his camera to Phil.

“Yeah, yeah. Of course,” he said. Fueled by an instinct, he took the camera.

Dan moved past him, leaving a damp trail behind him. “I’m just going to stand in the doorway, like I did that night.” He reached around to open the front door. 

“What can I do, Love?” Roger asked from somewhere behind Phil.

Phil cast him a cursory glance, but didn’t say anything. He didn’t have anything to say.

“Uhhh,” Dan said, visibly tensing. “Just stand there. Make sure the, um, lighting seems…right.” It was clear Dan was trying to come up with a job for Roger, just so he could have one. Filming a little sketch like this was definitely not a three person job.

Once they got settled into their spots, Phil started to film and Dan did a few different expressions standing in the doorway. Some were sad and some were funny. Dan’s little sketchy moments were always Phil’s favorite parts of his storytimes. It had always been obvious how much Dan cared about making the best content he could make, so when Phil helped, he always wanted to make sure he was doing Dan’s vision justice. 

“Can we get a different angle?” Phil asked, backing up. He knocked into Roger—having forgot he was there—and stumbled back into the wall. His shoulder knocked into a framed family picture and jostled it on the wall.

“Roger!” Dan snapped/

“Sorry!” Roger said, immediately jumping to fix the cockeyed photo. “I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s okay,” Phil managed at almost the exact time Dan spoke.

“It’s too crowded in this hallway.” There was an edge to his voice. “Can’t we just—Roger, I really need to get this done and you’re—“

“Yeah, I get it.” Roger put his hands up. “Got it. Sorry to bother you.” He quickly backed out of the hallway and out of sight.

Dan ran a hand over his face and up into his hair. He turned his back to Phil.

“Dan,” Phil said softly. “Roger was just trying…”

“I know.” Dan sighed. “Jesus, Phil. I know.”

“You should probably go talk to him.”

“Probably.”

“Dan.” Phil’s voice was still soft, still low.

“Yeah.” Dan turned back around. “Shit…I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.”

“You’re stressed. Everything with the house and just not being home. It’s stressful.”

Dan just looked at him for a moment, then blinked and said, “Yeah” in a near whisper.

“Let’s just hurry up and film everything else you need while you’re still wet and then go talk to him. If you need me for anything, we can finish up later.”

Dan hesitated again, but then nodded. “I got two more quick things to do and then I’m done,” he said, then walked past Phil, following out the same way Roger had gone.

Before Phil followed him, he looked back at that family photo. It was just them in front of a sign that said Gatorland. June was holding baby Rosalie in her little shorts and a striped t-shirt. Teddy was standing in front of Phil, smiling, a baseball cap on his head, and June and Phil were gathered in close. They were smiling too. That, Phil remembered, had been a good day.

“Phil, you coming?” Dan called out, unseen.

Phil adjusted the photo again to ensure it was perfectly straight. “Coming.”

 

Later that night, the kids were in bed, and Phil headed downstairs for a quick bowl of cereal before bed. He was almost to the kitchen when he heard hushed but tense voices coming from there. Phil stopped. He should walk back up to his room and let Roger and Dan have their privacy.

“This isn’t about Phil,” Roger said.

Now, hearing his name, Phil didn’t move.

“It is.” Dan insisted. “Phil and the kids.”

Roger let out a short huff. “It’s not. It’s not because you’ve been acting like this at home. Has it gotten worse since you’ve been here? Yes, but it was happening before and you know it was and you treat me like I’m fucking making it up.”

“Roj,” Dan said softly.

“Daniel, I swear to God. Don’t. Just tell me the bloody truth.”

“You’re not…Jesus, Roj. I know I’ve been acting fucking weird. I don’t…know why. It’s complicated.”

After a moment of silence, Roger said, “Have you been taking your meds?”

“Of course I’ve been taking my meds.”

“It’s just, I know sometimes. That one type…you had trouble getting erections.”

“God.” Dan sat down in a chair—Phil could hear it. “Can we not—?”

“Daniel.”

“You know what? Maybe it is my meds,” Dan said. “I’ll talk to my psychiatrist. I’ll make an appointment, okay?”

“I love you so much,” Roger said. “And when you pull away from me—”

“Why?” Dan asked.

“Why what?”

“Why do you love me, Roger?”

Phil could hear Roger sit down as well. “You’re smart, Daniel. And kind and compassionate. You’re so incredibly hard working and you’ve achieved so much despite everything you struggle with. You know where I come from, the people I come from, how they are, I feel like you can help me be a better person.”

Phil shut his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. He couldn’t keep listening in, couldn’t keep intruding on this—on what they had together—anymore. Not even in his head. He blew out a shaky breath and walked back up to his room to sleep with his stomach feeling as empty as the rest of him. 

 

Roger was gone by the next morning. When Phil asked about it, Dan just said he’d had an emergency at the vineyard—some kind of grape fungus—and had taken a flight in the middle of the night.

Dan had also heard from his insurance that there was probably no more than two weeks left of work in his and Roger’s house. Dan had gone over a few times to check on things, and all seemed to be well. It was weird to think that in not too long, everything would go back to just the way it had been for so long.

June would come home and the kids would be here. He and Dan would work on videos and the gaming channel, and the rest of the strange little renegade empire they’d built over the years. And Roger and Dan would come over for weekly barbecue like they had for the last half-decade and eventually, hopefully, time would silence the buzz and numb the sting that felt right now to Phil a little like dying.

“Oh shit,” Phil said, as he placed some dishes in the sink.

“What?” Dan asked as he was putting some leftovers from dinner into the fridge.

“Teddy has a football game tomorrow.”

“He does?”

“Yeah, I think I was supposed to like bring cupcakes or something. June always does that.”

“Bran muffins,” Teddy said as he came into the kitchen to get his backpack off the hook by the fridge. “Mum always brings bran muffins and it’s really starting to affect my popularity.”

“What if I swing by that new bakery and get their double chocolate chip fudge cupcakes?” Dan said.

Teddy immediately perked up, then he settled back down and shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, whatever. That would be fine I guess.”

“Teddy,” Phil said. “That was a nice offer from Uncle Dan. Don’t be rude.”

“He’s not,” Teddy mumbled, looking down at the ground.

“Not what?” Phil asked.

Teddy’s head snapped up. “My uncle. Dan’s not my uncle. You act like he’s family or something, but he’s…he’s not. He’s your fucking ex-boyfriend.”

Phil’s heart dropped. “Teddy. That is not true. I don’t where the hell you got an idea like—and you don’t speak like that in this house, do you understand me?” Phil shook his head, as he tried to formulate what to do. “Go to your room and no video games for the rest of the night.”

“Phil,” Dan said quietly.

“Dad, are you serious? Mum wouldn’t—”

“Go now or you’ll be grounded the rest of the week.”

Teddy opened his mouth as if to say something else, but instead he just turned and stormed off. A few moments later, they could hear the pounding of his feet as he walked up the stairs. 

Phil grabbed some more dirty dishes out of the sink and started shoving them into dishwasher with a bit too much force. The ceramic clattered in the kitchen.

“Phil…you okay?”

Phil picked up the casserole dish out of the sink and then sat it down with a groan.

“I reckon that explains why Teddy’s been acting so strange around me?” Dan said.

“He has?”

Dan nodded. “I mean, I didn’t think too much of it. I remember what I was like back then. Teddy’s an angel compared to me, but…it makes sense.”

“Where’d you think he heard it?”

Dan shrugged. “The internet, somewhere. There’s a lot of shit on the internet.”

Phil gripped the edge of the counter and looked down at the design in the stone. He couldn’t believe one of his children was at the age where he could simply google his and Dan’s name and find a metric ton of shit he couldn’t unread or unsee. 

“A lot of shit about us on the internet,” Phil spoke quietly. 

“Let’s just all pray to every god imaginable that they never find the hat fic.”

Phil snorted. “Don’t remind me that exists. Jesus.”

Dan chuckled. “You can try to shield them, but you can’t always do it, especially given our jobs. It’s not just you and I. They could find stuff on June or Roger…all four of us…I’m not saying I’ve read it, but—”

“Dan.”

“You should go talk to him, even if not tonight, tomorrow or something. Help him understand the truth.”

Phil sighed and looked over at Dan. He looked good tonight, wearing a grey t-shirt for a band Phil didn’t know and tight black jeans. His curls looked soft and dark in the dim light and matched his eyes perfectly. Dan was steal the breath out of your lungs beautiful. 

How could Phil help his son understand the truth when Phil didn’t even understand it?

“I don’t know,” Phil said. “I’m not good at all that.”

Dan stepped closer to Phil, his head tilted. “Good at what?”

“I don’t know…the parent stuff.” Phil couldn’t even look at Dan while he admitted this, but honestly, he needed to admit it to someone.

“You’re a great dad, Phil. The kids love you.”

“Yeah, but it’s different. I mean…ever since June left…it’s been hard. I feel like I’ve never done any of this before and that’s crazy, right? It’s crazy because Teddy is ten years old and Rosalie is two, and I should be a pro by now. Not just completely in over my head. But, I am. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Phil, what are you talking about? You’ve always been there for your kids.”

“Not like June. I just took, I took orders from her or something. Not in a bad way, like she was doing anything wrong, but like I changed a lot of diapers, but only if she asked. I’ve given the kids baths but only when June asked me too. I can bring cupcakes to Teddy’s game or Rosalie’s daycare or whatever, but I do it because there is a note on the fridge telling me to, not because I know. June just knows.”

“You’re being a little hard on yourself, don’t you think?”

Phil shook his head. “I’m not. I don’t know how I got like this, Dan.”

“June doesn’t do things on her own either, you help her, and if you feel like you need to step up, then step up, Phil. I’ll help you however I can. You know that.”

Phil did know that. He knew it and, in a way, it terrified him. “I can’t just expect you to always be there, and besides that’s the whole point, I need to do this, to do something, myself.”

“You can,” Dan said quietly.

“I can what?”

Dan reached over and put a hand on Phil’s shoulder near his neck. His thumb was warm as it sat above Phil’s collarbone. “Expect me to always be there.”

Without thinking, Phil reached up and put his hand over Dan’s and squeezed. Then, Phil let out a quiet sigh and dropped his touch away. He turned his back to Dan.

“Phil, can I ask you something?” came Dan’s quiet whisper.

Phil’s throat tightened. “Of course.”

“Um, why are we best friends?”

Slowly, Phil turned back around to face Dan. He thought for a moment, not entirely sure how to phrase this thing that was more a feeling than a concept, like how you can’t express pain except through metaphor. Like that, but upside down. 

“Do you remember the weekend we met?” Phil asked. “You’d come into the house and I gave you a little tour and then you sat down on my bed to take your shoes off, and you just kind of chucked them in the middle of the room, right there, next to my shoes. And it was just like…I don’t know. There were two shoes before, but now there were four shoes and it was a different number of shoes, but it felt like it wasn’t. Like two and four were the same number. Like your shoes had always been there, in the middle of my bedroom floor, right next to mine.”

After a moment, Dan’s lips twitched into a smile. “I know what you mean,” he said softly. “Somehow.”

 

Chapter 10

Getting back to some kind of normal was nice. Just Dan and Phil and the kids—and it was pretty easy to slip into a routine. Dan would get Rosalie ready while Phil made sure Teddy was up and out for school and, depending on the subject, either one of them would help Teddy with his homework. Rosalie loved to pretend she was doing homework too, so usually she’d be sat on Dan’s lap coloring pages with bright jumbo crayons grasped in her hands.

Teddy stayed up a few hours later than Rosalie, so they were able to put her down together, as per her request. Phil would tell her a goofy story and Dan would sing her a song and sometimes Phil would join in. Those nights were Dan’s favorite. They were just so warm and gentle, lit by nothing but a pink night light and a sliver of light from the hallway.

Usually, by that point, Teddy had gone off to his own room to play video games, so it would leave Dan and Phil alone. Sometimes they’d play video games and sometimes they’d pour glasses of Ribena and watch anime and sometimes they just sit close on the couch and talk.

“June’s coming home Sunday,” Phil said, casually as sat down his glass.

“Right…right, I forgot about that.” Dan had, in a way, forgotten. He’d grown used to things the last few days, so quickly and easily, the reminder that they were almost over struck him hard.

“She has to go back for awhile longer, but she’s taking the kids.”

Dan’s stomach flipped. “She is?”

Phil nodded. “She thought it would be good for them to visit with their grandparents for awhile. The kids have autumn break.”

“Right.” Dan swallowed. “So tomorrow is just like our last day just the four of us. Maybe we should do something.”

“Yeah,” Phil said, looking over at him. “That could be fun. What are you thinking?”

“If it was just Teddy then mini-golf or I know he’s been asking to drive some go-karts…”

“What about the zoo?” Phil added. “They both love the zoo, and there’s that new penguin exhibit.”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, that could be fun. I haven’t been to a zoo in forever.”

It was true. It had been awhile, and Dan had always loved watching Phil get ridiculously excited about animals for a grown man. Roger, for all his wonderful qualities, was not an animal person, and the one time they did go to the zoo he mostly just complained about the smell. 

“Works for me,” Phil said and then leaned back on the sofa. Dan could have sworn Phil scooted a little closer, but it was probably just in Dan’s head. Probably just dangerous wishful thinking. 

“Another episode?” Phil asked with a yawn.

Dan was tired, his eyes were drooping and he probably wasn’t going to make it all the way to the end, but if he said that then he and Phil were going to have to go their separate ways and Dan wasn’t ready for that. At all.

“Yeah, Phil.” He did scoot a little closer as he settled in. “One more.”

 

 

“The zoo, zoo. We’re going to the zoo,” Phil sang from the passenger seat of Dan’s car. “How about you?”

Rosalie was clapping and struggling to sing along as Teddy tried put in his headphones. Phil stopped his song short to remind Teddy about he no headphones in the car rule.

“Whatever, Dad.” Teddy shoved his headphones back into his pocket. “At least don’t sing then. God.”

“Would you rather I grilled you about your week in school? Oh I know,” Phil said. “We can talk about Hannah.”

“Dad! Oh my God, shut up.”

Phil laughed and though Dan was driving and couldn’t see Teddy’s expression the tone of his voice seemed like the kid was probably blushing and cringing. 

“Who’s Hannah?” Dan asked. 

“No one!” Teddy shouted, his voice cracking a little. “Just a girl in my class.” He sighed. “She’s really good at kickball and long division and like it’s not a big deal.”

Dan lowered his voice and leaned sideways towards Phil, trying to keep his eyes on the road. “Does Teddy have a girlfriend?”

“I can still hear you, Dan,” Teddy said, and though he didn’t actually sound angry, that lack of ‘Uncle Dan’ still threw him. It had been throwing him all week, but Teddy wasn’t wrong. Dan wasn’t his uncle and Teddy was getting older. The nickname wasn’t going to stick forever anyway. 

“Are we there yet?” Rosalie asked as Dan slowed down at a light.

“Almost. Like fifteen minutes,” Phil said.

“Fifteen minutes?” she whined. “That’s forever.”

“No,” Teddy said. “It’s fifteen minutes.”

 

It was a nice day for the zoo. It was overcast, but not too cold, so their sweaters and coats were just enough to keep them warm. Dan had Rosie’s pink Minnie Mouse backpack over his shoulder, and she was tugging at his sweater trying to get him to pick her up. He couldn’t resist her bright eyes—the same three colors as Phil’s—and he lifted her up onto his shoulders.

Her little hands gripped into Dan’s curls. “Whoa. Now I can look a giraffe right in the eye.”

Phil snort-laughed and Dan shot him a glare. 

“I’m not that tall, Rosie,” Dan said with a smile. 

“Yeah. Roger’s taller than Dan.” Teddy added as he kicked the top of his trainer on the concrete.

“Only on the outside,” Rosalie said.

Dan just shot a confused looked over at Phil.

Phil shrugged, his lips tilted into a smile. “She sees the world in a very complex way. What can I tell you.”

“Can we just go to the Reptile House now,” Teddy said, “I want to see the snakes.”

“But I want to see the gorillas first!” 

“Don’t worry, kids,” Phil said, turning over the map in his hands. “We’ll get to everything.”

They walked down the path with the other visitors, pushing their strollers or munching on bags of popcorn, under the tangle of tree branches and leaves that made everything feel further away from the bustle of London that surrounded them just beyond the perimeter of the zoo. It was a nice escape—a nice change—and a warmth flooded Dan’s chest. He was happy to be here, in this moment, with all his favorite people.

Phil was walking right beside him. He’d let his fringe stay down this morning, though he hadn’t straightened it and it felt soft and wavy over his forehead. His sunglasses were sitting a little low on his nose in a way that Dan couldn’t help but watch. He fought the urge to push the glasses up a little on Phil’s nose, to steal just a little bit of touch, even though he knew it was stupid and pointless. And he was holding Rosie’s legs with his hands to keep her on his shoulders anyway.

Teddy was keeping pace a few steps ahead of them, and as they passed a crowd, Phil moved in closer to Dan, to let the others pass by. But when they went on, Phil didn’t return to the previous distance between them. Dan didn’t move back either. 

“Uncle Dan, put me down. Put me down. The gorillas are coming.”

“Okay, okay,” he said as he knelt down. Phil helped Rosie slide off Dan’s back and then set her loose to run ahead with her brother toward large covered enclosure.

Dan and Phil picked up the pace so as to not lose sight of the kids in the gathering crowd. As they followed Teddy and Rosie closer to the animals, the surrounding crowd forced them closer, until their shoulders were bumping.

“Excuse me,” said a woman passing by.

“Sorry,” Phil said and pushed over to get out of her way.

The movement wobbled Dan, and Phil reached out for his wrist to hold him steady. The touch was warm and strong. It felt…more than it should for such a small touch. For someone Dan had known so long. They stayed there like that for probably a moment too long. Dan wasn’t quite sure why Phil was still holding onto him, but it wasn’t like he was about to push Phil away. He wasn’t out of his mind.

“Uh, Dan? Phil?” came an unfamiliar voice that was enough to break them apart.

They both swiveled toward the sounds to see a girl, probably about sixteen, smiling at them.

“Sorry to be bother you—and like you can totally tell me to piss off—but I’m a big fan and I was just wondering if I could have a picture.”

Phil cast a look over at Teddy and Rosie. who were practically pressed against the glass of the enclosure. Dan knew what he was thinking, They didn’t normally do pictures or anything with fans when the kids were around, but the kids weren’t paying any attention at all seeing as there was currently a orangutan throwing feces.

“Sure,” Phil said, smiling at the girl. “What’s your name?”

“Rachel,” she replied.

Dan reached out for Rachel’s phone and she handed it to him. She stood between them and they leaned in for a photo. Dan was still making the awkward face he’d been making for years, though Phil’s smile had evened out a little bit. He’d finally seemed to have gotten used to this somehow, or at least in someway.

“Are Roger and June here? I’d love to meet them too,” she asked.

Thankfully, Rachel didn’t say anything about the kids. They’d drawn a pretty hard line there and, for the most part, people respected it. 

“Nope,” Dan said. “It’s just us today.”

Rachel smiled. “Oh, okay. Thanks for stopping for me. I really appreciate it.”

“Of course,” Phil said. “We’re always happy to meet you guys.”

Rachel asked for a hug and they both agreed, then smiling, she took her phone back and rushed back over to a group of her friends. 

“Who was that?” Rosalie asked as she tugged on Phil’s fingers.

“One of Dad and Dan’s fans,” Teddy said

“What’s a fan?” she asked. 

Phil shot Dan a look. He remembered the first time they’d had a similar conversation with Teddy. It was when they’d toured for tatinof. 

Dan knelt down. He always liked being able to look at Rosie in the eye. “Someone who likes the work me and your daddy do?”

“Your videos?”

“Yeah, baby.” Phil lifted Rosalie onto his side. “Come on. We haven’t even seen the gorillas yet.” 

The four of them continued through the primate enclosures, working their way up to see the swinging chimps and the gorilla who was pounding his fists on his chest. After, they went to the Reptile House for Teddy, and they all decided on their favorite snake. They checked out the tigers after that, and the hippos and Dan even put Rosalie back on his shoulders so she could get a better look at the giraffes.

When Teddy started to complain about being hungry, they found a little place in the zoo called the Animal Adventure Cafe, and Dan sat down at a table with the kids, while Phil went to order their food.

He came back with a big tray of sandwiches and drinks.

“Probably should’ve sent you,” Phil said. “I almost dropped this like six times.”

“We’re both clumsy. It wouldn’t have helped.”

Phil handed Rosalie her dinosaur chicken nuggets and then started passing out sandwiches and when he got to Dan he said, “Here’s the Lion Club for you.”

Dan raised his eyebrow. “Is that actually what it’s called?”

“No. It’s called roast beef and turkey, but I feel it was a missed opportunity.”

“For a Dad joke?” Teddy asked as he peeled back the paper on his sandwich. 

“I am a dad, Ted. I can’t help it. It’s in my nature,” Phil said.

“Don’t believe him,” Dan added with a grin. “He was like this long before he was a dad.”

Phil rolled his eyes, but there was still a soft smile on his face.

“So,” Teddy’s mouth was slightly full, and his eyes were cast down at his paper plate. “How long have you known each other?”

“We’ve told you that,” Phil said.

Teddy shook his head. “You actually haven’t really.”

“Since it was…what 2009? So like what’s that? Thirteen years?”

“Yup,” Dan said. 

“And how long have you known Mum?”

“Ten years,” Phil said, taking a bite of his sandwich.

Dan’s eyes went wide and he shot a look over at Phil. Fuck.

“But Dad, I’m ten?”

“Yeah, so?” Phil said as he took a bite of sandwich. 

Dan kicked Phil under the table and gave him another look. “Phil,” he hissed. 

“Wha—oh, ohh…”

Teddy looked right at Phil. He seemed particularly concentrated. “Was Mum already pregnant when you got married?”

“Uhh…yeah. Uh huh,” Phil said.

Dan didn’t think it was necessarily that they’d set out to lie to Teddy about this. It just wasn’t something easy to explain, not something that really came up in conversation. June had insisted all pictures of her at the wedding be taken from the chest up. There were pretty much no pictures of June when she was pregnant. She always said it made her feel really uncomfortable seeing how much she didn’t look like herself…that being pregnant she wasn’t entirely herself anymore…or, at least, that’s how she said it felt. 

“Oh,” Teddy said, eventually.

“What’s pregnant?” Rosalie asked but when no one immediately answered she seemed to go happily back to her stegosaurus nugget.

“Are you okay, Teddy?” Phil asked.

He shrugged. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

“What does that mean?” Dan asked, even though he knew he should probably just stay out of it.

“Nothing.”

“Teddy…” Phil said softly.

Teddy sighed. “It’s nothing. It’s just…I just heard some stuff from Evan’s older sister that’s all.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“She used to watch your videos, I guess. And she asked me some questions.”

Dan leaned forward. “She did what? What kind of questions?”

“Wait,” Phil jumped in. “Is this why you said what you said the other day?”

“Maybe. It’s not a big deal. She was just like curious and she showed me some old videos and I don’t know you seemed…”

“How old is Evan’s sister?” Phil asked, an edge to his voice.

“Uh, fifteen.”

Phil shook his head. “I’m going to have to have a talk with her mum.”

“Oh my God, Dad. Please don’t. Evan’s my best friend and I don’t want him to think I’m weird, please.”

“Fine…but just, if you have questions, please come to me or to Uncle Dan. Or even your mum or Roger. A lot of things get said about the two of us and you’ll see it more as you get older. It’s hard to understand, but it’s just something that happens, okay? And you can talk to us about it.”

Teddy looked over at Dan and then back at Phil. “Okay…when we’re done eating can we go see the lions?”

Phil glanced to Dan and then over at his son. “Yep. So long as you finish all your food.”

When they all finished eating, they all walked to the “Land of the Lions” exhibit which was designed to look like a town in Gir Forest of India, and the enclosure was built in a way that made it feel like they were walking alongside the lions. The kids were running around and looking at all the bright architecture and happily searching to spot one of the lions. When they eventually did, they huddled by the glass and watched.

“Your 2012 branding would have been living for this,” Dan whispered to Phil.

Phil chuckled. “I know. I can’t believe I let lions get ruined for me.”

“At least lions aren’t as cringe as llamas. You dodged a wooly bullet there, mate.”

Phil nudged Dan’s arm, and Dan smiled, feeling a little warmth in his cheeks. “You know Rosie likes to watch that video of you singing the llama song.”

Dan’s face fell. “Wait, what?”

“Yeah.” Phil laughed. “June showed it to her.”

“I’m going to have to have a talk with your wife, mate.”

Phil snorted. “Good luck with that.” 

“You might have to too. After what you kind of told Teddy there.”

“Yeah…oops. I mean, he didn’t seem too shaken up about it. I guess it’s not really a big deal anyway. It happens a lot.”

“True.”

“Though Evan’s older sister isn’t exactly where I wanted that information to come from.”

Dan had his hands in his coat pocket as he leaned into Phil’s arm. “Yeah, that wasn’t ideal.”

Their eyes met and Dan felt that good, warm feeling in his chest. The same kind of feeling you got at Christmas or the first time the air smells like fallen leaves. 

Rosalie came barreling into Dan’s legs. “Can we go see the butterflies?”

“When Teddy’s ready to go,” Dan said, smoothing back Rosalie’s hair. 

After a few moments, the lion wandered off and Teddy came traipsing back to them. 

“Uncle Dan,” Rosalie said. “My legs are super sleepy. Can you carry me?” She yawned.

Dan reached down to pick her up. “I think all of your is super sleepy.”

“Nuh-uh. The rest of me is wide awake.” She laid her head on his shoulder.

They walked down to the butterfly pavilion and waited their turn to step inside the huge dome where they surrounded by an array of colorful blossoms that matched the wing creatures fluttering all around them. 

Phil kept trying to hold his hand out for them and each time, the butterfly would flap away.

“Stand still, mate,” Dan said with a quiet laugh. 

So Phil did, though Dan could tell he was struggling with it, and eventually a few butterflies started fluttering around him. One even landed on his outstretched palm. 

“Cool, Dad!” Teddy shouted, scaring the butterfly away.

Phil walked back over to Dan and leaned in to whisper, “Look.” His gaze cast down at Rosalie. “She’s asleep.”

Dan smiled softly. “We should probably call it a day then.”

They waited for Teddy to run around with the butterflies for awhile before they walked back to their car. Rosalie woke a little as Dan tried to get her in her car seat, but she almost immediately drifted back off when he handed her her blanket. Even Teddy was yawning and looking droopy as he got in the car and rested his head against the window. 

It took a while for them to get out of the busy parking area and onto the street. The traffic was slow going enough that when Dan checked the rearview mirror he saw that Teddy had fallen asleep as well.

“We really wore those kids out,” Dan said.

“We made them go outside and walk. We’re terrible parents.”

Dan heard the words Phil said and he expected to tense at them, to feel a need to correct Phil. Or he expected Phil to correct himself but he didn’t. 

“I don’t know,” Dan said. “Nobody got eaten by lion today.”

“That’s your measure of parental success, Dan? No accidental maulings?”

Dan chuckled and reached his hand over to rest it on the gear shift. In moving, Dan noticed Phil’s hand wasn’t far away, but it was resting on his own knee. 

“I had a really good day with you, though,” Dan said, his voice a near whisper.

Phil matched his tone. “Yeah, I did too. And, thank you, for helping me these past weeks. It’s been hard, trying to figure out all this stuff I should have already had figured out. I don’t know what I would have done without  you.” Phil lifted his hand and brought it over to pat Dan’s fingers. Dan held his breath. The touch was simple and yet somehow scorching. 

He expected Phil to quickly pull his hand away, but he didn’t. He left it there and let his narrow fingers sink between Dan’s wider ones. Dan curled his fingers in and squeezed as Phil softly stroked his thumb against Dan’s pinky.

“Daddy, I want milk!” Rosalie’s voice broke the silence.

Dan threw his hand back on the steering wheel and Phil jumped and went straight as a board. Dan’s heart was pounding so hard he could feel it in his head. Shit. 

“Have to wait till we get home, Rosie. Try to go back to sleep,” Phil’s voice sounded tight, scared, like maybe he’d meant the touch, just the way Dan wanted him to.

It was an awful and wonderful and terrifying thought. One Dan hadn’t had in a decade.

Chapter 11

“Who wants pancakes?” Phil called out as he lowered a plate of golden-brown pancakes into the center of the kitchen table. His kids were sat there waiting for their breakfast. 

“Me!” Rosalie said excitedly, jolting her arm into the arm.

“Did you make chocolate chip ones?” Teddy asked.

“They’re raisin,” Dan said as he poured milk into small glasses.

“In a pancake?” Teddy sounded incredulous as he slumped in his chair. “I hate raisins.” 

Dan sat the glasses of milk in front of the kids. “Ted, I’m kidding. They’re chocolate chip. Double chocolate chip.”

A smile broke out on Teddy’s face and he sat forward. He was always vascillating so quickly between emotions. Phil could barely remember what it was like to feel like that.

Dan stepped away from the table and back toward the kitchen counters. There were two mugs sitting by the coffee pot and he picked up them both. Phil wasn’t standing too far away so he reached out to take the mug from Dan. When he did, their fingers brushed. It was a simple touch, but he felt it all the way through his body. It took him back to the day before when he’d reached out to just pat Dan’s hand and then just, for some inexplicable reason, couldn’t or maybe wouldn’t pull away. And they’d just kind of held onto each other for this one, small, almost perfect moment. 

Phil’s eyes met Dan’s, but he just cast his gaze away, which made the floor drop out from under Phil. What was that? Why would he—

“I’m baaaack!” June voice’s called from the living.

“Mum!” Teddy shouted, jumping off the chair. He’d acted like he hadn’t missed her that much, but this made it clear he had.

“Mummy!” Rosalie joined in. “Mummy!” She bolted away from the kitchen table too and rushed into the living room. 

Phil looked over at Dan, who still wasn’t looking at him, then he turned and left the kitchen to go greet his wife.

She was kneeling in the middle of their living room, her arms stretched wide around the kids pulling them in. Her hair was down and slightly curled and her face looked brighter than he’d seen it in a while.

It made Phil feel strange.

“Hi, June,” he said with a small smile. 

June gave the kids another squeeze and then stood up and looked at Phil with a smile. He smiled back and then walked over to her and gave her a hug and a quick kiss. When they pulled apart, she glanced around Phil’s arm.

“Oh, hey Dan,” June said.

“Hi,” he said, sounding a little stilted. “How’s your mum?”

“Doing better. I’m glad I’m able to help her out right now. How’s your house doing?”

Dan shrugged. “It’s still kind of damp. Should be good in a week or two.”

“Mummy,” Rosalie said, as she tugged on June’s hand. “We’re eating pancakes. You want pancakes?” 

June knelt down and scooped Rosalie up into her arms. “I’d love some pancakes.”

“You…you don’t eat pancakes?” Dan said, giving her a strange look. “Unless they’re made of like bran and quinoa.”

June shoved Dan playfully as he passed by him. “If you don’t shut your mouth, I’m going to eat your share as well, mate.”

Phil smiled a little. Dan and June hadn’t always gotten along that well, but life had put them together for so long that eventually they’d formed a pretty solid bond. When Dan had opened their door and June had been standing there with a positive pregnancy test, Phil couldn’t have imagined then that they’d have gotten to where they are now.

June spent most of the day playing with the kids, and they all went out for dinner. He and June invited Dan along, but he declined, saying they should spent time as a family. It wasn’t weird having June home. It hadn’t been that long and they’d been together so long. It was almost strange how easily they’d slipped back into their roles. When they got home, Dan was in the guest room and it didn’t seem like he planned on coming out. June put Rosalie down for bed and met Phil in their bedroom afterward.

“She fall asleep?” Phil asked as June shut the bedroom door behind her.

“Not quite, but she was droopy eyed.” June sat down on the edge of the bed and tugged off her socks. When she started to pull off her sweater, Phil found himself instinctively turning away. He turned back toward her when he realized. 

She unhooked her bra, and for a moment, he thought maybe she’d want to have sex. It had been awhile—she had been gone—but even before she left it had probably been a few weeks. June grabbed a large t-shirt from he dresser and pulled it on, then took off her jeans.

“Uh, Phil…you just going to stand there and stare?”

He shook his head. “Sorry, just thinking.”

“Okay, weirdo.” She walked into the bathroom where he could hear her brushing her teeth and washing her face. 

He changed into his own pajamas and joined her just as she was finishing. He was really quiet as he took out his contacts and brushed his teeth.

June put a hand on Phil’s back. “Is everything alright?” she asked. “You’ve seemed off all day.”

“What? No,” he said. “I’m fine. Maybe I’m tired or something.”

“Taking care of the kids by yourself can be exhausting.”

“Dan’s been helping.”

“Guess you’re lucky he was here then,” June mumbled as she walked out the bathroom.

Ten years of marriage had taught Phil that this was the kind of thing you just dropped, but for some reason, that night, he just couldn’t. He followed her out of the bathroom.

“What did you mean by that?”

She pulled back the covers on her side of the bed. “Mean by what, Phil?”

“That I was lucky Dan was here.”

June narrowed her eyes. “You said he’s been helping you out…that’s all I…Phil, seriously, what are you on about?”

He sighed. “I don’t know,” he said, which was true, so he tried to change the subject. “Are you happy to be home?” he asked. Phil internally kicked himself. If anything was a loaded question in their house, that was it.

“It’s good to see the kids,” she said, then smiled. “And you, Phil. I did miss you, you know.”

He hesitated, though he wasn’t sure why, before replying, “Yeah, I missed you too. How many days are you going to be here again?”

“I’ll head out with the kids Monday morning.” She adjusted the pillow behind her as she sat in bed. “You could come with us you know.”

“What?”

“Yeah…I mean, we could kind of having a mini-holiday together.”

Phil felt his throat tighten. He knew what he should say, but he also knew he didn’t want to go. “I don’t know. Dan and I have some videos we were going to make.”

“You can film enough gaming ones tomorrow to tide you over.”

“I guess.” Phil ran a hand through his hair.

“My parents haven’t seen you in forever, Phil.”

Phil snorted. “Somehow I think they’re okay with that.”

June rolled her eyes. “My parents don’t hate you. I’m really not sure how you got that idea.”

“Your dad has probably said a total of thirty words to me in ten years.”

“My dad is just a man of few words. They’d love for you to come.”

“I have things to do,” Phil said a little harshly. “And I’ve barely had the chance to get any of it done with you gone and I’ve had to take care of the kids.”

“Are you serious?” June scoffed. “You’re trying to make me feel guilty for leaving you here with the kids?”

“No. I’m not. I just put off things because I figured I’d have time to catch up on things when you took the kids with you to your parents.”

“Whatever, Phil. If you don’t want to go, just say you don’t want to go.”

“I don’t want to go, June. I have things I want to do around here—work things—and you can’t just spring stuff like this on me out of nowhere.”

June put up her hands and sighed. “Whatever, Phil. Do what you want.”

“Can we just go to bed? Please?”

June reached over and flipped off the light by her bed, turning over so her back was facing Phil. 

He let out a sigh and rubbed his face. Then, he turned off the second light and crawled into bed. He took off his glasses and sat them on the nightstand. Phil laid in the dark, a burning nervous feeling in his stomach. June hadn’t even been back a full twenty-four hours and they were already fighting. Already on a different page. Already disappointing each other. Phil was really tired of being a disappointment. 

Chapter 12

Dan was sat on the couch in Phil’s living room. He was tucked into the corner with his feet on a pouf and his laptop settled on his legs. He had his headphones in and had just started the next episode of this new Netflix original show he had on his queue. He couldn’t hear anything, but the crack and pop of the exploding bombs in the period drama. Which was fine. The whole reason he’d come down here was to avoid hearing things, anyway.

Phil and June had been apart for a while and if Phil had overheard Dan and Roger, Dan did not want to risk overhearing the two of them. It wasn’t something he’d never heard before. June did live with them in their London apartment for a while, but the sound of June’s gasping breaths and Phil’s grunts were something he didn’t ever need to hear again. He’d spent plenty of nights back then blasting Kanye into his ears at a volume that could possibly crack his skull just to avoid hearing it. Tonight, he couldn’t even stand to be the next room over, if that could possibly be happening. 

Was it happening right now? Was Phil slipping inside his wife? Were his lips wrapping around her nipple, around her clit? Fuck. Dan shuddered, and tried to force the thought away by staring at the trench war scene on the screen, but he’d lost the plot a few scenes ago. He had no idea what was happening. 

A lamp across the room flashed on.

Dan jolted, yanking his headphones out of his ears and nearly knocking his laptop onto the floor. He let out a yelp.

“Sorry!”June said. “Didn’t mean to startle you… what are you doing down here in the dark, anyway?

He closed his laptop and sat it to the side. “Couldn’t sleep.” It was part of the truth at least. 

June sighed. “Yeah, me either.”

“Everything okay?”

“Meh, I guess.” She let out a sigh. “If I made some popcorn, would you eat any?”

Dan shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Okay…” She was frowning as he turned and walked out of the living room.

Too curious to stay put and not at all into the weird Netflix show, Dan stood from the sofa and followed June out of the living room and into the kitchen. 

“You sure you’re alright?” Dan asked. He wasn’t sure why he was pushing it. Maybe so you know it’s not about you, his mind supplied, but he tried to ignore it.

June was struggling to reach an upper cabinet. “Dan, can you…”

“Oh, yeah. Sure. Sorry.” Dan hurried across the tiled floor to open the upper cabinet and pull down a package of microwave popcorn. He handed it to June who stuck it in the microwave and shut the door.

The strange whirring of the microwave was the only sound until June spoke up again, “Phil and I got into a fight. I don’t know. It was stupid.”

Dan swallowed, his throat feeling tight. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“With Phil’s best friend?”

“June…”

She hopped up onto the counter just as the popcorn began popping. “I know, I know. I just don’t even know what happened. We were fine all night with the kids, but once the kids are gone it’s like…it’s just like…oh, I don’t know.”

“Maybe you guys were just apart too long and it’s like an adjustment period. It happens for me sometimes when Roger goes away for awhile. You’ll get back into the groove eventually.” It used to be true that he and Roger would get back into the groove after one of his long absences, but Dan was pretty sure they hadn’t adequately ‘grooved’ in a long time. Still, it was the only advice Dan could think to give.

The microwave beeped and Dan opened it to pull out the inflated bag of popcorn. June leaned to open and a cabinet and she reached for a glass bowl, then handed it to Dan. He opened the bag and emptied the contents into the bowl. He sat the bowl on the counter next to June, then hopped up on the other side of the bowl of popcorn.

“I swear it used to be easier, but I’m not sure it was. Tell me, Dan. You’ve been there the whole time. Did Phil and I seem different before?”

“I think…maybe things just get quieter over time. You can run out of things to say after ten years.”

“You’ve known Phil for thirteen years and you haven’t ran out of things to say to each other.”

The words made Dan tense, but there didn’t seem to be anything jealous or accusatory in June’s voice. She just seemed curious, thoughtful maybe.

“Well, that’s because we’re both massive nerds. We can always talk about Final Fantasy or some shit. And you’re…cool.”

June snorted, then grabbed a handful of the popcorn. “Am I?”

“Weren’t you prom queen or something?”

“I was valedictorian, Dan.” She threw a couple popped kernels at Dan. 

“Oh, yeah.” He picked up the kernels she’d thrown from the counter and popped them in his mouth. “Same difference.” 

June rolled her eyes. “And vice-president of the Speech and Debate team.”

“Oh so you were definitely not prom queen then.”

“Shut it, Howell.”

“Seriously though, you probably wouldn’t have even given some emo a second glance in high school. What was your type back then?”

“Guys like Roger actually.”

“Gay men with a tenuous blood relation to Queen Elizabeth?”

June took another handful of popcorn. “I definitely would have had an unreciprocated crush on him. No way around that. Dad would have loved him too. Except the whole being gay part. Not that he’s homophobic just because he—”

“I know what you mean.”

“Dad hated Phil’s fringe. He threatened to cut it off once when Phil fell asleep after Christmas  dinner.”

“Jesus.” Dan took a bite of popcorn. “That’s probably why Phil clung onto it for so long. Just out of sheer bitterness…It was bitterness fringe.”

June laughed. “I mean the quiff does suit him though, don’t you think?”

“I do,” Dan answered quickly and without thinking. “Though the fringe is like classic Phil.”

She glanced over at him for a moment. “Everyone loves Phil. It just drives him absolutely insane that he’s never been able to win over my dad.”

Dan ate a bite of popcorn. “It is what it is with in-laws or whatever. One time, I caught Roger’s mum trying to send strands of my hair to lab to test me for drugs, and she had a private investigator follow me. Twice.”

“Shit, Dan. She makes my dad seem like father-in-law of the year.”

“I avoid the Ackerlys as often and as thoroughly as possible.”

June shook her head. “I seriously don’t know how Roger is one of them. He’s just a tall, muscular marshmallow.”

Dan shrugged. “Roger can be a little rough sometimes. He’s got a dark side.”

“Ew, Dan. Please don’t tell me about your weird, kinky bondage sex.”

This time, Dan threw a couple kernels at June. “Don’t pretend you’re not checking the Roger/Dan BDSM tag every night.”

She ate some more popcorn. “That doesn’t exist, does it?”

“It exists. It all exists.” Dan laughed. “There’s fic about me and you.”

June laughed. “I don’t know. I can see that one. We did all those videos on your channel. We had chemistry.”

“We filmed a science experiment and named the video ‘we have chemistry’. That’s not the same thing.”

Fans had gone after June hard when it had come out that she and Phil were getting married. There was a whole tumblr tag dedicated to June hate and a lot of awful conspiracies. There was also a pretty wide spread consensus that Dan also hated June so, to show a united front, Dan had started bringing June into dinof videos a few months after Teddy was born. It calmed some of the chatter and, more than that, it had given her something concrete to do, which had been good for the postpartum depression they hadn’t known she’d been suffering from at the time.

June slid off the countertop. “God, I’m thirsty are you thirsty.”

Dan slid off the counter too. “I know what we can drink. Roger hides wine here.”

June scrunched up her face. “Why does he…oh because of the Strawberry Hill incident.”

“Phil really does need to stop bringing back an excessive amount of American bottom shelf alcohol.”

“He has a problem.”

Dan pulled over a kitchen table to chair. “Yeah, it’s called being cheap.” He stood on it to reach the small cabinet over their refrigerator. He pulled out a bottle of merlot and handed it to June.

“Not cheap, frugal,” she replied in a voice that was clearly meant to imitate Phil. It was something he said an awful lot. 

Dan found the corkscrew and opened the wine. June pulled out two glasses and he filled them. He passed one to June and she took a sip.

“God, so much better than Strawberry Hill.” June took another drink and really seemed to savor it this time. “Your boyfriend sure knows his way around a grape.”

“That’s one of the weirdest things you’ve ever said, June. And you used to run a blog called fiberisourfriend.”

“I’ll have you know I registered that blog as a small business.”

“That makes it objectively more embarrassing.”

June just shrugged and took another sip of the wine. Dan smiled and drank too. He was surprised how easy it still was to talk to June. The first months of their relationship had been so strained. Dan had imagined her as an intruder, as this invasive weed that had come at the worst time possible to choke Dan’s happiness until it withered and died. He’d wanted to hate her—and he had for a while—but he couldn’t hold onto that hate, no matter how hard he tried, because she wasn’t deserving of it. She hadn’t done a damn thing wrong. 

It wasn’t her fault Dan had been in love with her husband then and it wasn’t her fault that he still was now. 

“At least, now you have your own successful private practice—and the fiber days are far behind you,” he said.

June took another drink, almost emptying her glass. “You wish. You know how important regularity still is to me.”

“You never let me forget.” Dan smiled at her, then asked,  “More wine?” 

June put the rim of the wine glass to her lips, tipped it back and finished off the rest of the dark red liquid. She held the glass out to Dan by the stem. “Why not?” she asked with a shrug.

Dan grabbed the bottle off the counter and poured more into her glass.

They drank the rest of that bottle, and started into another one. Soon, they ended up on the living room sofa, with their own old videos playing on Dan’s laptop.

June was sat very close to Dan, her shoulder pressing into his. She stretched an arm out around his back and tousled Dan’s hair with light fingers. “I’m glad you decided to stick with the curls.”

“It certainly takes a lot less time to get ready in the mornings.”

The switch to his natural curl had been a long process for Dan. Kids had bullied him quite often for his ‘hobbit hair’ growing up, and he’d tied that in to other parts of his identity he’d also had trouble accepting, like his sexuality. But between therapy, support from his friends and Roger, Dan had finally begun to heal some of those old wounds. There were other newer wounds, however, he still kept concealed, still left to fester. 

June leaned forward, her strawberry-blonde waves flounced over her shoulders as she did. She put her hands on the laptop keypad. “Let’s watch this one.”

She hovered the little black arrow over a thumbnail with a picture of both their faces cringing. The title underneath read, “World’s Most Sour Candy??” Once she’d clicked on the thumbnail, Dan popped onto the screen with his customary “Hello internet” and a few moments later, he was introducing her, as if there was anyone watching this video that wasn’t aware of who she was—and he’s quoting here—“the bitch who killed phan”. 

That was actually the phrase that had inspired Dan’s late night question and answer tumblr tirade he still hadn’t lived down nearly a decade later.

“I kind of miss making videos together,” June said with a yawn.

“Me too.” They had been fun, in their own way. Dan remembers when June had considered starting her own YouTube channel. He’d thought she was going to—and he honestly wasn’t sure why she didn’t. Just one day she stopped talking about it and started talking about dental school.

“Why’d you never start your own channel?” Dan asked, taking another sip of his wine. “You would’ve been great at it."

“Phil asked me not to,” she said simply.

This was absolutely news to Dan and it didn’t sound like Phil at all. “What do you mean?”

“He asked me not to,” she repeated, as she poured herself a little more. She’d certainly had more to drink tonight than Dan, but they’d both had more than they should. 

“And you listened?” It didn’t seem like the June he knew at all.

She snorted. “Hell no. I told him to fuck off…and then, I found what people were saying about me online, and I understood he just wanted to protect them.”

“Oh,” Dan said. 

“Yeah…I think I applied for dental school the next day.”

“That’s about when we stopped making videos together too.”

June nodded. “Sorry about that. I just couldn’t after that…it took me years to even show my face in one of your vlogs. It probably shouldn’t have affected me as much as it did. I probably shouldn’t have given them what they wanted, but I also didn’t want to hurt the thing you guys were building more than I already had.”

“It was a complicated situation. I don’t think there was a probably should have or shouldn’t have back then. It was just all wading through the suck.”

“We came out the other side though, didn’t we, mate?” June elbowed him.

Dan let a smile stretch out across his face. “Yeah, somehow.”

June chugged back the rest of her wine, which was a little suspicious and then stretched like she was tired and maybe about to tell him she was ready to head back up to bed, but instead she just laid out on the sofa and put her feet in Dan’s lap. Her legs were tan and bare, but she had soft pair of cozy brown socks on her feet. She wiggled her toes. Dan rolled his eyes, but he knew what she wanted. June and him had ended up somehow over the years with a weird lack of physical boundaries. 

“Oh come on, Dan,” she said. “Your hand is like as big as my foot. Those giant fingers were just made to massage my bunion.”

Dan flicked the bottom of her foot. “You’re making this sound really appealing.”

She pouted and Dan rolled his eyes, but he gave in and started to rub her feet. It wasn’t like it was the first time June had gotten a little tipsy and Dan had ended up rubbing his best friend’s wife’s feet—the same best friend he was in love with—he really should probably talk to his therapist about this.

June’s mouth stretched into a wide yawn. Something about the expression really highlighted her similarities to Rosalie. “Tell me a story.”

“Are you five?”

“Dan.”

“What kind of story?” he said, giving in again.

“Tell me about how you and Phil met.”

Dan felt a wave of chill wash over him and he tensed. His touch to her feet stopped. “You know how I met Phil.”

“Yeah, but I’ve never heard it from your point of view.”

“You haven’t?”

She shook her head. “Nope.”

Dan started rubbing June’s heel to work out some nervous energy as he went into the whole story. He told her how he watched Phil’s videos and found his content entertaining and creative and just kind of wacky in a way that Dan absolutely loved. He left out the part about finding Phil just so distractingly hot, about all the screenshots he’d saved of him onto a file in his computer he’d called ‘homework’ just in case his brother got into his computer. And he left out the part about watching Phil’s videos with a hand down his own pants. 

He told her how he’d started following Phil on social media and realized how much they had in common, how he’d just started replying to Phil’s Twitter and YouTube accounts until eventually Phil responded back. He didn’t tell her how fast his heart would beat when he’d get those responses from Phil, and he didn’t tell her about all the daydreams he’d had about the two of them as he paced around his room, headphones in his ears, muttering to himself fake conversations they might have one day. 

He told her about how they started texting and then skypeing and how Phil had talked him into posting videos of his own, and how much Dan appreciated having someone who supported him, who didn’t think his dreams were silly or stupid. He didn’t tell her about how sometimes he’d think they were maybe flirting, that maybe it was the start of something you wait your whole life for. 

He told her about how Dan decided to meet Phil in Manchester, about the train ride and about seeing Phil’s head above most of the crowd in a busy train station. He didn’t tell her about how seeing Phil for the first time knocked the air out of his lungs, about how when they hugged Dan never, ever wanted to let go.

By the end of his long monologue, he expected to look over and find that she’d nodded off. But she was looking straight up, the whites of her eyes glistening in the dim light.

“Jesus,” she said. “I  just handed Phil a clipboard at dental office.”

“And laughed at a pun he made about floss,” Dan recalled the bit of the story he remembered Phil telling him about the new receptionist at his dentist’s office.

June pulled her feet off Dan’s lap and sat up. “Shit…imagine if I hadn’t written my number on some complimentary cinnamon floss and gave it to him on the way out of his appointment.”

“You gave him your number?” Dan said, blinking. “I always thought it was the other way around. How do I not know this?”

“You never asked.” June stood from the couch. “I think I still have it actually.” She walked to a bookshelf across the room and opened a wooden box beside a gold framed wedding photo. She fumbled through it for a few moments, then pulled something out. june walked back over to Dan and held the something out to him.

When Dan reached out, June pressed the small white-and-red box into Dan’s palm. Sure enough, just above the word Colgate, was June’s old phone number sketched out in black ink.

“It’s pretty crazy when you think everything in my life comes down to that one plastic box.” 

“At least it wasn’t wintergreen flavored,” he said, with a half-hearted smile as he handed her back the old box of floss.

June walked back over and placed it in the box again. She came back over and sat down beside Dan on the couch, and started up another YouTube video. It wasn’t one of theirs this time, just some sort of cute dog compilation. 

She leaned back and nudged her way under Dan’s arm. He pulled her against his chest and smoothed out the strands of hair that were tickling his face.

“Can I tell you a secret?” she said sleepily, her eyes on the screen.

“O-okay,” Dan said, though he felt a bit queasy. 

She yawned, nuzzling in closer to Dan. “I’m scared to go back upstairs.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

He could see her eyes starting flutter shut, like they were heavier than she could manage to keep peeling open whenever she needed to blink. 

“Want to know another secret?” she asked.

He wasn’t sure he did. “June…”

“I’m so sorry,” she said. “For what I did to you.”

Her eyes were shut completely now, her breaths coming deeper and slower as her body pressed against his side. Dan was feeling pretty tired too.

“What on earth are you talking about?”

June turned briefly to look up at him, then turned away just as quickly. “You know what I’m talking about,” she said.

He did know, but he hadn’t known she did too.

Before Dan could think of anything to say, June’s eyes had shut, her body had relaxed and her mouth had fallen slightly open to let out a quiet, gentle snores.

 

Chapter 13

Notes:

part of the first section of this gets a little gross. it's based off phil's mouse story from the gaming livestream the other day. it's probably not any grosser than what he actually said so if you were able to handle that, this should be fine. if not, stop reading at "Phil! What's wrong? Phil" and start again at the #

When Dan woke up on the sofa in the morning, June was gone. He wasn’t sure exactly what time it was, but the sun was already shining in brightly through the windows. Dan sat up and rubbed his eyes with a yawn.

He stood and walked to the kitchen, where Phil was sat at the table, looking at his phone and sipping his coffee.

“You’re finally up,” Phil said.

Dan yawned. “What time is it?”

“Almost eleven.”

He used to sleep in much later than that, but eleven seemed pretty late to Dan now that he was older. “Are the kids still here? And June?”

“Nope. They left early this morning. Not sure how you slept through it.” Phil gave him a small smile. “There’s more coffee if you want it.”

Dan pulled a mug out of the cupboard—it was pastel pink and had a little chip on the rim. He’d found it with June at a yard sale and t was favorite mug to drink out of at Phil’s house. 

The memory of what June said to him the night before came back slowly. She knew how Dan felt about Phil. At least, she knew how he once felt about Phil, and she felt bad for having been the wrench thrown into his happy ending. Dan wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do with that information. 

“So… uh, do you know if Roger is coming back anytime soon?” Phil asked.

Dan finished pouring his coffee and sat back down with Phil. “Not that I know of. At least, not until next week. I should probably call him. He texted me yesterday and I forgot to text him back.”

“Yeah, June’s going to be gone with the kids for about two weeks so we’ve got some time to ourselves, I guess.”

Dan took a sip of his coffee. “Do you think we should have a rager while our parents are gone?”

“Oh yeah, let’s totally trash the place.” Phil looked around. “I mean it’s already kind of trashed.”

It wasn’t that bad, but they had been kind of lax on the dishes and the kids toys were everywhere, and the floors could do with some sweeping and mopping. 

“You reckon maybe we should pick up some today?” Dan asked.

Phil scrunched up his face. “You want to clean?”

“I don’t want to clean. I think maybe we should. Besides, it could be like the old days. We’ll do rock, paper, scissors to decide who wants to do all the worst chores. I’ll win two out of three, you’ll call all or nothing and I’ll end up scrubbing the toilets.”

Phil kicked Dan’s foot with his. “You’re right. That does sound fun.”

Dan gave Phil a playful glare and kicked back at his foot. Phil pushed back, trying to step on Dan’s toes, and they kept doing this—like children—until they were giggling so hard that Phil accidentally kicked Dan hard in the shin.

“Ow, fuck!” Dan spat.

“Oh my God, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

Dan scooted back in his chair and rubbed his leg. “I guess that’s why they say it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.”

Phil placed a gentle hand on Dan’s shin, and Dan sucked in a sharp breath. 

“I don’t know how I kicked you so hard. Will you be alright?” Phil looked up at Dan, still leaning over just enough to put a hand on Dan’s shin.

Dan nodded. “Yeah, I’m cool. Don’t fuss over me, Dad.”

Phil rolled his eyes and sat back up. “So rock, paper, scissors for mopping duty?”

With a laugh, Dan said, “No chance, mate. You’re doing the mopping as proper punishment for injuring me.”

“Those are not the rules.”

Dan stood up and patted Phil’s shoulder. “They are now, mate.”

“Fine.” Phil glared at him. “Whatever. You’re doing the dusting then.”

“Works for me.”

They spent the next hour cleaning up the house, picking up the kids toys and doing the dishes—and starting a load of laundry. Dan tried not to think about Phil’s bright colored boxers as he dumped them from the basket into the washer. He tried not to think about what they looked like on Phil’s lean, pale body, but trying not to think about it just made Dan think about it even more. He was halfway through feather dusting the living room, when he heard a blood-curdling scream come from the kitchen. Dan dropped the duster and bolted toward the kitchen. 

“Phil! What’s wrong? Phil.”

When Dan got to the kitchen, he skidded in his socks on the tile, nearly wrecking into the kitchen counter. Phil was still screaming and he was flailing and waving his arm. 

“Oh my God. Oh my God!” Phil shouted.

“What is it?” Dan shouted back, his heart pounding. He was still freaked out but at least Phil was obviously alive and there wasn’t any blood anywhere. 

Phil darted forward and turned on the faucet. He thrust his hand under the strong stream, keeping his head turned away from the sink.

“Get me the soap. Please. Hurry!”

“What?” Dan’s voice cracked, but he did as he was told and grabbed the dish soap and started pouring it all over Phil’s hands as he vigorously scrubbed them together. “Oh God, what’s that smell?”

“The mouse,” Phil practically squeaked. “I touched a dead mouse, Dan.”

“What? How?”

“I went to mop and we’d left water in the mop bucket and emptied it out and something was clogging the drain and I grabbed it and it was mush, but it was a mouse. It was mouse mush, Dan.”

Between the smell and that description, Dan gagged. 

The sink was nearly full with soap and water because the dead mouse was still clogging the drain so Dan stopped pouring soap and turned off the water. 

“No. Not yet. I’m not clean yet. I’ll never be clean again,” Phil whined.

“We have to turn it off or we’re going to overflow the sink and dead mouse mush water will be all over our house.”

Phil gagged now which made Dan gag and they were both just standing in the kitchen nearly vomiting on the floor. 

“It’s still in the sink,” Phil finally managed. “How are you going to get it out?”

“I don’t—wait, oh no you don’t. I’m not touching that thing.”

“Dan.” Phil got those big puppy dog eyes that were really hard to ignore. 

“I am not touching it, but I’ll come up with a plan.” Dan narrowed his eyes, thinking. “What about a spoon?”

“A spoon?”

“Like a soup ladle.”

Phil shook his head. “It won’t fit in the drain area.”

Dan ran a hand through his hair. “Dammit, you’re right. What about gloves?”

Phil cringed. “You’ll still have to feel it.”

“You owe me for this. You’re taking me to the movies tonight, and you’re getting me whatever I want.” Dan let out a shuddery breath. “Now, get me your dishwashing gloves.” He pulled over their trash can right in front of the sink, and Phil handed Dan a pair of pink flowery dishwashing gloves. Dan slipped them on and looked away from the sink as he plunged his hand into the warm water and into the drain. His hand wrapped around something soft, but also bony and he gagged, then squealed as he dropped it in the trash can.

Phil put his hands over his mouth and squeaked as he jumped a little when the mouse thudded in the trash. 

“What do I do with the glove?” Dan asked, his voice cracking.

“Just throw it out!”

Dan slipped it off and dropped it in the trash. The bag was only half full but Dan closed up the drawstring and ran it out of the house and into the outside trash cans as fast as he could.  He came back in and scrubbed his hands in the sink for an obscene amount of time. 

“I wasn’t kidding about you taking me to the movies,” Dan said.

“I’ll take you wherever you want,” Phil said. “You’re my hero.”

Dan bit back the smile threatening to form on his lips, but he couldn’t do anything about the warm in his chest. He’d touch as much mouse mush as Phil wanted if he kept saying those words and looking at Dan like he was looking at Dan now. 

 

#

 

Phil always loved going to the movies with Dan. It was one thing they’d kept doing pretty regularly despite all the changes in their lives. The movies were Phil’s escape. There was just something about the theater—about the way the sound would be loud enough that you could feel it, about the darkness and the energy of being surrounded by all of these people who’d come together to hear this story being told. It made Phil think of how it was something we’d done throughout human history—we’d gathered around fires and told stories. It made Phil feel connected. It made him feel less alone.

The trailers hadn’t even started yet when he and Dan settled in their seats near the back. Phil had bought Dan’s ticket and he’d bought them a large popcorn, some sweets and two drinks. They pushed back the arm rest and settled the popcorn between them, like they normally did.

“We’re literally twenty minutes early,” Dan complained as he stuffed a handful of popcorn into his mouth.

“You know I like to settle in, watch the other people sit down. It sets the mood.”

“I know. I know. And you know I like to get here after the trailers.” Dan wrapped his lips around his straw, and Phil found himself paying a little too much attention to it. “Also, this was supposed to be my reward trip to the movies for saving you from the mouse, but you were the one that picked the movie.”

“It’s the new Thor, Dan!”

Dan threw a kernel of popcorn into Phil’s lap. “God Forbid, I keep you from Chris Hemsworth.”

Phil popped the kernel Dan had thrown into his mouth. “Damn right.”

With a chuckle, Dan shook his head and glanced over at Phil. 

They chatted for awhile after that—not about much at all, but it was warm and relaxing. The words didn’t matter nearly as much as the fact they were coming from Dan. Dan’s voice was one of Phil’s favorite sounds in the world. 

Eventually, most of the seats around them were filled and the lights in the theatre dimmed. Dan performed his normal routine of trying to cover his ears and close his eyes to get through the trailer without any spoilers, and Phil kept leaning over and whispering things to him and trying to get him to open his eyes. It didn’t work. It never worked. Dan was committed to his no spoilers lifestyle, but it didn’t stop Phil from trying. There was just something about the grumpy little frown Dan would get that Phil couldn’t resist.

Dan had gone so deep into his hiding from trailers bubble that he didn’t even notice when the movie had started. Phil tried to poke and prod him, but apparently Dan didn’t trust Phil anymore. So Phil tried a different tactic. He laid a hand just above Dan’s knee and squeezed.

Dan startled, jumping and nearly knocking the popcorn on the floor. Phil barely caught it.

“Sorry,” Phil whispered. “Movie’s starting.”

“T-thanks.” Dan reached out for some popcorn and missed. He got it on the second try.

They sat there in the dark quiet of the theater, nibbling on popcorn and taking sips of their drinks as the movie played. Phil was really enjoying the story, but he still kept finding himself distracted as he’d catch a glimpse of Dan’s profile in the dim light of the screen. 

“You done?” Phil asked quietly, nudging the popcorn quietly. He hadn’t noticed Dan eat any in a while and he was full himself.

Dan leaned over and whispered, “Yeah.”

Phil moved the popcorn onto the ground and settled back in his seat. Maybe it was a little closer to Dan than he’d been before, but in the dark it was hard to tell. After a few moments, he felt Dan shift beside him, felt their legs brush. It was a small, accidental touch, but it sent a warm shock to his heart.

Phil tensed, his heart picking up a little speed. He was sleepy, yet somewhat focused on the movie, and the feeling of Dan’s leg against his had him feeling a way he didn’t quite understand. But when Dan’s leg brushed his again and, this time, didn’t pull away, Phil didn’t pull away either. He just sat there, letting their legs touch, like it was the most mundane thing in the world. But it wasn’t…it wasn’t.

A large, unexpected explosion jarred Phil and he slid even closer to Dan. Their elbow bumped and, once again, neither one of them pulled away. A part of Phil’s mind knew he should think more about this, but another part quieted the thought and filled his mind with nothing but a warm buzz that let his body do whatever it wanted to.

Out of the corner of his eye, Phil noticed Dan slide a hand down his thigh, over the rips in his jeans that exposed slivers of his thighs. He spread his legs out a little and now Dan’s thigh was pressed against Phil’s. Dan’s eyes were on the screen but his fingers were playing on the rip in his jeans near his knee. 

Phil let his own hand slide from his lap further down his leg. He acted like he was brushing some lint away, but really he knew there wasn’t anything there. Then, he left his hand there—right next to Dan’s. Their pinky fingers were touching, laid side by side.

It was the smallest of touches, almost microscopic, but Phil still felt it through his whole entire body. He wondered if Dan did too. 

Slowly, Dan started to curl his fingers, like he was still just playing with the rip in his jeans, but Phil didn’t really think he was—or maybe it was just in his head—Phil didn’t know anything at this point. But Dan’s finger gently stroked against his until it just sort of fumbled on top of Phil’s. Phil wasn’t sure he was breathing at his point with Dan’s much larger pinky laid over his. 

They stayed like this, just like this, for a while, until a plot twist on the screen shocked Phil and he jumped a little, his hand falling down on Dan’s knee, right over the tear. Phil could feel Dan’s bare thigh against it’s finger. It was so soft and warm, and Dan’s hand was still a little on top of Phil’s.

He couldn’t leave his hand there. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Phil knew that, so he slowly let it slip away, out from underneath Dan’s hand and back into his own lap.

Phil shut his eyes and breathed out a quiet breath. Nothing happened, he told himself. It didn’t mean anything. Not anything at all.

Chapter 14

Phil couldn’t even remember the last time they’d done a joint liveshow, but he was more than excited to do one this evening. He figured it would be a good way to get his own mind off what had happened at the movie theater. Neither one of them had made a big deal out of it, but Phil’s thoughts kept wandering to the feeling of Dan’s leg underneath his hand, their fingers touching, whenever he had a moment to spare. And Phil had no idea what to do with thoughts like that. So, yes, he was more than thankful for the distraction.

They did other joint projects all the time, of course. They did collab videos, especially on AmazingPhil, and of course, they were always filming the gaming channel. But they didn’t do live shows all that much anymore—maybe twice a month between the two of them—and Dan did them more often than he did.

It had probably been over a year since they’d filmed one together. They really should do it more often. They were a lot more fun than the solo ones. Everything was more fun when they did it together, honestly. Being with Dan could make even the most mundane tasks fun.

Earlier that day, Dan had posted on his twitter that he had a special surprise for them during his live show and their subscribers had guessed everything from him announcing his engagement to Roger to them quitting YouTube. But some people got it right and they guessed it would be a joint liveshow.

Now, they were sat on the grey sofa in Phil’s living room, which was where he normally did his liveshows because it had a nice view of the fireplace mantle behind them. Dan set up the camera and got everything ready to stream. Phil couldn’t help but just watch him as he did this. There was just something almost mesmerizing about the serious, focused look he’d get on his face when he was preparing to work.

Dan sat back and fluffed his hair with his fingers, checking himself out on the camera screen. Phil did the same thing. It was a strange ritual, that was only moderately helpful in terms of them looking put together, but it was very helpful in terms of working out that little bit of nervous energy they’d have right before going live.

“Ready?” Dan asked, situating himself closer to Phil.

Of course, it was only so they fit better in the frame, Phil told himself. But he could feel the warm heat of his body, the subtle curve of his arm.

“Ready,” Phil finally remembered to answer.

Phil saw Dan’s posture change, his demeanor too a little, and Phil knew that meant they were live so he adjusted alongside him in what felt like a perfect rhythm. They’d been doing this a long time, but that still didn’t mean there wasn’t a bit of change in the way they behaved on camera, like a thin layer of professionalism. That maybe became even more true as the years went on and they were more aware of how what they said and how they acted affected the people who watched them.

“Hi, guys!” Dan said. “For all of you who are here early, it’s that surprise I told you all about — AmazingPhil!”

Phil waved. “Hi, I’m here.”

“And why are you here, Phil?”

“Because you’ve invaded my house, that’s why.”

“Oh yeah, sorry about that.” Dan nudged him, then turned away slightly. “I’m going to tweet this out really fast. Entertain my subscribers, Phil.”

Phil used the time that Dan was tweeting to shout out the names of some of the people in the chat. It was strange how there could always be new names and familiar ones, some that had been around since nearly the beginning. There was a strange amount of comfort in that.

“Everyone who’s showing up from Twitter,” Dan said, waving his arm towards Phil. “Look AmazingPhil. Surprise. I can’t believe you flooded your house, Dan.” When Dan read from the chat it was sometimes hard to tell and it would take Phil a moment to catch up with him, but eventually he’d get there.

“I didn’t flood my house,” Dan said. “It was faulty plumbing.”

“Faulty plumbing. Sure.” Phil gave the camera a cheeky look. He loved the fond teasing, the banter, that would play out between him and Dan and he knew their audience loved it too.

“Like you can talk! You nearly burnt down your house. Did you tell them that story?”

“Shush. That’s not what happened—and,”—Phil lowered his voice—“no I didn’t. I was trying to preserve my pride.”

“No, listen. The first night June was gone, I literally saw smoke billowing out of his windows. I thought he was probably dead and turned out he’d just overcooked a—“

Phil put his hand over Dan’s mouth. It was a move he made without much thought, and now Dan’s lips were against his palm, and Phil’s hand had gone immediately numb. His body probably wasn’t far behind if he didn’t get away from that too-much touch.

Phil dropped his hand away and settled it safely in his own lap.

“He’s a liar. You’re a liar,” Phil said. “I’m an excellent cook. Like a younger, more attractive Gordon Ramsey.”

Dan rolled his eyes and started pushing Phil’s arm. “That’s it. You’re out of my liveshow.”

“This is my house, mate. I make the rules.”

Dan ignored this comment and went back to reading the chat, “Is Roger staying there too? Sometimes. He’s at the vineyard right now, and June and the kids are at her famalams.”

“We’re here unsupervised. It’s a total disaster.” Phil regretted it the moment he said it. He meant it like they were kids getting into trouble, not like they were adults getting into trouble. He could only hope people would take it that way.

“Oh my God! You have to tell them that story.”

“What story?”

“Don’t say famalam,” Dan read the chat again. “I’ll say what I want, mate.” Then, he leaned over and whispered in Phil’s ear so close he could feel the warm vibrations. “Mouse mush.”

Thankfully the words ‘mouse mush’ ruined whatever building tension he’d been feeling from having Dan’s mouth so close to him.

“We’re not telling them the mouse mush story!” Phil practically screeched, the memory of the horrible sensation coming back to him. He’d literally never felt something more disgusting in his entire life.

“We have to,” Dan said. “The whole chat is just mouse mush now.”

“Okay, if you’re easily grossed out turn down the sound. I’ll wave to let you know when the horrific-ness is over."

Phil crinkled up his face and started to tell the story. Dan would interject occasionally when he wanted to add a detail he felt Phil forgot. Finally, he got to the end of the terrible account and he waved his hand to invite the people who bowed out back in.

Dan cleared his throat. “So, the moral of that story is, always empty out your mop buckets as soon as you’re done mopping.”

“Are you doing spooky week?” Phil read from the chat, ready to change the subject. “We’ll probably get some good spooks in so prepare yourself for that. What about Halloween baking?”

“I found a good recipe for that, so probably. Don’t hold your breath, but probably.”

“You did?” Phil asked. This was news to him. He had almost totally forgotten about Halloween baking.

“I did and it will test our baking skills. We’re taking our bakes to the next level.”

“We better be baking on the roof because that’s the only next level we can go with our baking skills.”

Dan snorted. “True. This baking challenge might be the last of them all. The headlines tomorrow Dan and Phil die in rare baking incident.”

“Sounds like us,” Phil said. “That’s the way I want to go anyway—buried alive in a giant pile of sweets.”

Dan shook his head. “You’re ridiculous. We also have another idea maybe for something this month probably on Phil’s channel probably in the next week or so but don’t hold me to that. Don’t hold me to anything. I hope you’ve all learned that by now.”

Phil knew Dan was talking about the autumn day in the life vid they planned on filming in the next few days. It was something they’d never done and he was genuinely excited for it. Both he and Dan loved autumn and Phil was looking forward to getting into the festive spirit together.

They kept on with the live show for the next half an hour. They read the chat and laughed and told stories and everything just felt soft and warm and flowed so easily. That’s what Phil enjoyed the most about Dan’s company—what he always had enjoyed the most. How easy it was. How being together just came as naturally as breathing.

“Well, I’m starving, Phil. What about you?”

“I could eat like six horses.”

“Well, we’re not going to do that,” Dan said, with a smile little smile. “We’re probably going make a frozen pizza or something, but we are going to go eat. So have a good rest of your night, prepare for the upcoming spooks, jump in some leaves and don’t forget to empty your mop buckets.“

“Good bye!” They both said together.

Dan shut off the livestream and, a few moments later, he stood from the sofa and stretched his arms over his head. The motion showed off a sliver of skin around his waist. It looked paler than his arm and like it would be so soft, give so easily, under someone’s touch.

Phil tore his gaze away and forced his thoughts to follow. At least, he tried.

#

 

Dan always experienced little jolt of energy after a live show. It was likely a combination between the thrill of actually getting some work done, and the fizzling out nerves of what was basically public speaking. He’d been the same way—but stronger—after tatinof. Phil had been exhausted and he’d been energized liked he’d knocked back six red bulls.

Tonight, the rush wasn’t that strong. It was more of a dull hum, an electric shiver just below his skin. And Phil didn’t seem to be exhausted, like he sometimes was. He seemed awake, alert in a soft sort of way, like when you’re awake early enough to watch a sunrise.

“Should we just bake a pizza?” Phil asked. “Or did you want to order something?”

“It’s pretty late and I’m hungry as fuck,” Dan said. “Let’s just do frozen pizza.”

“Works for me.” Phil smiled, and bumped Dan’s shoulder as he passed to get to the kitchen. There was room enough for Phil to walk around him, but he hadn’t and the dangerous part of Dan’s mind, the one remembering what had happened after the zoo and what had happened during the movie, wanted Dan to believe Phil had done that on purpose. Had just wanted to steal even the most casual of touches.

Dan followed Phil into the kitchen, watching the smooth way he walked, the gentle sway of slightly curved hips. He bit his lips, feeling his breaths come slower and heavier. He knew he had to tear his gaze away, but he also knew he didn’t want to.

Phil set the oven to pre-heat and then turned towards Dan. “I was thinking that for the autumn DITL we could maybe rake some leaves up in the backyard. It needs to get done and if we end up jumping around in them, all the better.”

“All the better for who?” Dan asked with a smile.

“Our subscribers.”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah, for the subscribers. You’re the one that loves a good crispy rascal. You kept them in jars around the house when we were in Manchester.”

Phil stood up a little straighter and said with a hint of pride in his voice, “It was my very first houseplant.”

“The only one you couldn’t kill because it was already dead.”

Phil narrowed his eyes and lightly slapped Dan. A move that made Dan laugh, made him move in even closer.

The oven beeped, letting them know it was pre-heated, and it took Phil’s attention away from Dan. It was the only time in Dan’s life he could remember disliking pizza. But as soon Phil got the pizza in the over, he immediately turned back to Dan, stepping closer to him and starting up another conversation.

“Do you want to play some tonight?” Phil asked. “I feel like it’s been forever since we’ve played Mario Kart or anything that we didn’t film for the gaming channel.”

Dan scrunched up his face, thinking about what Phil had said for a moment. “It has been a while, hasn’t it?”

“We could get in a few games before the pizza’s out.”

They headed down to the gaming room because the sofa was comfier, and set up the game. They raced a few games against people on the internet. Dan came in first all three times, and Phil never less than fourth. It felt nice to play again, just the two of them, just for themselves.

When the pizza was done, they went back upstairs to get it and made themselves some ribena before going back downstairs to play more. They stuffed bites of pizza in their mouths and took sips of their ribena between games, until eventually they finished the pizza and began to lose interest in Mario Kart as their conversation started to slide from the game to teasing, playful jokes to just talking, just sharing.

“God, I’ve missed that,” Phil said as he turned off the television.

“Me too. We need to spend more time just doing that, you know, for no reason at all.”

“We need to spend more time doing a lot of things for no reason at all, but it’s hard…”

Dan gave Phil a sympathetic smile because he understood as well as Phil did how easily life could get in the way of actually living. “It is. I’m glad we’ve been able to keep as much of us as we have. I mean so much has changed, but still you know, here we are.” Dan let out a breath. “I’ve had a great time being here. Just hanging out, you know, with the kids and, and with you. I’m almost kind of sad I can go back home in a few days.” He probably shouldn’t have admitted that, but there was something growing here, not like a plant but like a wave, growing in power and pushing Dan in a direction he felt he had little control over. Dan knew he couldn’t tell Phil the whole truth, but he wanted to tell him part of it.

“I wish you didn’t have to go either,” Phil said. There was something so exposed about his voice in that moment, deep, rough, almost like a stubbled jaw.

Dan slid a little closer on the sofa, his foot was tucked up under his leg and the movement pressed his kneecap against Phil’s thigh. The give of the flesh there brought Dan’s mind back to the movie theatre, back to the feeling of Phil’s hand on his leg—a warm finger touching the bare skin of his exposed thigh. Dan had wanted—with the kind of want you feel in in your bones—for Phil to leave his hand there, to tuck his fingers into the rip of his jeans and chase out more of Dan’s skin.

Dan almost wished he was wearing the ripped jeans tonight, but instead he wore comfortable grey joggers that sat low on his lips—and a pastel pink shirt that was loose enough around his neck he could feel the cool air on his collarbone. And Phil was in those black shorts that rode a little up his pale thighs, enough to expose a line of ginger freckles above his knee—and the black t-shirt he was wearing was maybe just a little too tight. His dark hair had fallen a little out of its quiff, and the humidity from the rain had caused that bit of fringe to curl slightly down his forehead.

They sat there in the silence, turned into each other. Dan kept watching Phil, saying nothing—what was there to say? And Phil seemed to be watching him back with quiet searching eyes. They just sat there, in the dim light of a few nearby floor lamps, letting their breathing fall into a steady, matching rhythm.

Phil’s tongue darted out of his mouth and licked his bottom lip. “Do you want to get something to drink?” he said, his voice low.

Dan thought about it, and then shook his head. He couldn’t risk any more of his brain, not tonight, not when so much of it was already occupied with a single thought—Phil. “I’m good,” Dan said. “But you can—”

“No. I don’t want…” Phil’s voice trailed off and Dan sought to fill in that blank with the words he wanted to hear. I don’t want to forget. I want to remember everything about right now. About us right now. I want every part of me to be here, with you.

Dan stood up and ran a hand through his hair. His throat was so tight it had started to choke out his oxygen. “Want to listen to some music?” he asked.

“Please,” Phil said, looking at him with a kind of soft focus.

Dan pulled his phone out of his pocket and set up a couple songs in a queue to play. They were ones he’d been listening to recently, ones that took the scattered pieces of his thoughts and feelings and organized them into melody and stanza. He started the first song—something smart, and a little sexy from Perfume Genius—and sat his phone on the entertainment console.

The notes started to ring out through the space and Dan tucked his hand into his pockets and leaned comfortably back against the wall. He felt light, that night, like a handful of cotton—easily blown around—and the music seemed to sway him without his consent. When Dan opened his eyes, he noticed Phil, leaning forward and watching him. His head was slightly tilted, as he bit down on his bottom lip and his hands hung slightly down, clasped between his open legs.

“Since we do you dance?” Phil’s voice was nearly a whisper and barely audible above the songs playing.

“I don’t think you could call this dancing,” Dan said. “It’s more like…feeling.”

“You’ve always felt music, haven’t you?”

“Don’t you?”

Phil slowly rose from sofa and tucked a hand into the pocket of his shorts. “Not like you do.” He looked down at the floor. “I like watching you listen to music. I always have. It’s almost like you go somewhere else.”

Dan swallowed, his mouth desert-dry. “It feels like that sometimes. But, when you’re here, I do try to take you with me.”

“I know you do.”

When Phil stepped even closer, Dan stepped out away from the wall. They weren’t far apart at all, but Dan wasn’t trapped in anymore. He felt like he was just floating out in space, floating in black matter with nothing else and no one else but Phil.

The song switched again and it was an even slower, steamier track. Dan’s eyes were open, but just barely and he was looking at Phil—right at him— into him—and it was like he was pulling him closer with his thoughts. He’d never been able to do with this anyone else, feel that kind of intense connection. He was lucky to have a friend like this. So goddamn lucky.

Dan stepped even closer. He didn’t know what he was doing, but he did it anyway. There was barely an inch between them. Phil started just barely, almost invisibly, matching his movements, like their bodies were connected by invisible strings. Dan broke the distance down, just a little, by reaching out and tugging on the sleeve of Phil’s t-shirt. Phil let out a shaky breath, and lifted his gaze to meet Dan’s.

Dan shut his eyes and leaned his head back, feeling the stretch in his neck. Warm breath ghosted over Dan’s neck, and he found himself reaching up to touch where he’d just felt Phil breathe against his skin.

The music was still playing—and Dan could hear it and feel it, but he wasn’t concerned with it. How could he be? With Phil here. Moving so close to him, his hands, his bare legs, his mouth…all of him. Right here. And Dan’s skin felt like it had been laced with fire, a wanting, hungry fire that only Phil could put out.

Phil looked up at him, and Dan was already looking back. Because, goddamn, how could he look away?

Lean down, a quiet, internal voice said. It’s not that far. Close the distance. Do it. Change things. Disturb the universe.

And, how he wanted to. He wanted to stroke the back of his fingers against Phil’s cheek, to dip his head down and bring their mouths together. He wanted to kiss him and kiss him until they brought their bodies together. Damn the rest of the world. Damn everything. Because this was always meant to be his, always.

The song abruptly changed to some loud, Disney thing Rosalie had requested the other day in the car. Clearly, he’d run out of his queue and it had gone back to playing an old playlist and the change in sound was so cartoony, so jolting, that Dan couldn’t stop himself from breaking out into loud, stomach-aching laughter.

A broad grin stretched across Phil’s face as well, and he started to laugh too.

Still, even through the laughter, Dan could feel himself aching for another universe, for another timeline where that damn song had been thirty seconds longer.

Chapter 15

Dan had barely gotten any sleep the night before. The memory of that moment where he’d almost closed a gap that he’d given up trying to close years ago kept him wide awake. It was probably for the best that Rosie’s song had played and shattered the moment. Probably. It was that probably that was truly keeping Dan awake, that unsettled feeling in his gut that wasn’t so sure of the right thing anymore. Wasn’t so sure if there was a right anymore.

Dan had gotten a call from his insurance agent that morning, but hadn’t answered it. Listening to the message though, he learned his house was ready to be moved back into early. Their insurance company must have called Roger too because he’d gotten an excited text from him about it as well. Clinging to the part of himself that knew things were getting out of control, Dan started packing back up the few things he’d brought over. While packing, he came across a bottle of glitter pink nail polish he’d forgotten he’d brought, and sat down on the bed, and started painting his nails. Somewhere along the way, this had become a relaxing thing for him. The repetitive motion of it, even the strange chemical smell.

The door opened and Dan jumped a little.

It was Phil, holding a camera with a big smile.  “Time to wake u—oh you’re already up.”

“ Phil. ” Dan gave him a half-hearted glare. “You could knock, you know?”

“Too excited to knock!” Phil moved in closer with the camera, and picked up Dan’s bottle of nail polish. “Glitter candy floss,” Phil read the nail polish. “Oo can I eat it?”

“Only if you want to have your entire stomach replaced.” Dan shook his head and took back the nail polish. He blew on his fingernails.

Phil turned the camera back toward himself. “We’ve got a big festive autumn day planned, but first…drumroll…I made breakfast!”

“You did?” Dan stood up from the bed. “You made me breakfast.”

“Yep! Let’s eat.” Phil dropped the camera down and turned it off.

Dan looked up at Phil and ran a hand through his hair. “I forgot we were doing this today.”

“If you don’t want to—”

“No, no. I do.” Dan stood up from the bed. “I’m excited.”

Phil got a strange look on his face. “Your bag is packed?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. I guess my house is back to normal, and I can go home.” Why did the word home feel so strange in his mouth?

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Dan picked up his bag, tossing the strap over his shoulder.

Phil’s eyes seemed to follow the bag, but eventually he pulled that obvious gaze away. “Come on, Dan. I actually did make you breakfast.”

That really was sweet of Phil, Dan thought, even if it was just for the video.

Dan brought the bag downstairs and into their front hallway. He sat it down on the floor and accidentally knocked into Phil’s family photograph. He straightened it out on the wall, and then walked back into the kitchen where Phil had the camera on again.

“Come here, Dan,” Phil said excitedly. “Come see what I made you.”

Dan hurried up to Phil, and to the mess that was in his kitchen. There were dirty bowls everywhere, and a messy waffle iron. The air smelled like nutmeg and cinnamon and there were also two cups of coffee in burnt orange mugs. At the table, were syrupy waffles on big plates.

“Pumpkin waffles!” Phil announced.

“Seriously?” Dan grinned. “I knew you were my best friend for a reason.”

Phil laughed. “Because I make you festive pancakes once a decade.”

“Exactly. What other reason could there possibly be?”

There were so many reasons. Phil was kind and thoughtful. He was creative and warm and understood Dan in a way that no one else ever had or really ever would.

Phil turned off the camera again, and sat it on the kitchen counter. He sat down at the table and Dan followed. Dan took a big forkful of the waffles and shoved it in his mouth.

“These are delicious,” he said, with his mouth still full.

“Thanks, but I should have made you say that on camera so people would know that I actually could cook sometimes.”

They finished eating, and then Dan pulled his big coat on over his soft black jumper and Phil put on his denim jacket over his triceratops jumper, and they both looked warm and autumn-y, perfect for today’s DITL.

Once they were outside in the garden, Phil turned the camera back on started to film. He grabbed a rake that was leaning on the side of the house and thrust it into Dan’s hand.

“Here you go, mate.”

“W-what?”

“Rake it up.” Phil pointed to the colorful array of leaves scattered across his garden.

Dan pushed the rake back towards Phil. “You expect me to do your chores?”

Phil nodded. “It’s payment for letting you stay here since you flooded your—”

“I didn’t flood my house, Phil.” Dan playfully rolled his eyes, then sighed. “Oh, fine. Whatever. But you better find a second rake and help.”

Phil set up the camera on the tripod and aimed it out toward the yard. “I’ll just time lapse it,” Phil said.

“Good idea,” Dan replied.

Phil got himself a rake and they both started scraping the leaves on the lawn into a small hill at that garden’s center. As they were raking, Dan grabbed a handful of leaves and chucked them at Phil.

Phil got a pouty look on his face, then grabbed his own handful of leaves and threw them at Dan. It escalated into a full-blow leaf war, and Dan couldn’t help but think what it would look like to everyone watching them, to see them giggling and tossing the leaves and playfully shoving each other. He wondered if it would look to them as warm and wonderful as it felt to Dan.

When they finished raking up all the leaves into a big pile near the tree, Dan put his hands on his hips and looked down at it with a sense of accomplishment. Then, almost immediately, Phil jumped into it, but as he did, he grabbed the sleeve of Dan’s jacket and pulled him into the pile too. They wobbled a little bit and then Phil started to fall. He still had a grip on Dan’s sleeve and they both fell into the leaves together.

“ Phil,” Dan whined as he blew a leaf out of his mouth.

Phil just looked over at him, bright-eyed, and started to giggle.

It was a sound that filled Dan up, warm and sweet like hot apple cider, and Dan just laid back looking over Phil, at the curve of his nose, the soft angle of his chin and trying to hold onto this moment, even though he knew it couldn’t and wouldn’t last.

After they finished with the leaves, they headed to Dan’s car. Dan chucked his bag into the backseat and hopped in the driver’s seat. Phil was in the passenger seat already, holding the camera on Dan.

“So where are we going first?” Phil asked.

“Where you go way too often,” Dan said, starting up his car. “Starbucks.”

“Don’t knock tradition,” Phil said. “We need our annual PSLs.”

Dan backed down the driveway. “He says like he doesn’t drink at least ten of them before the season is out.”

“Shush, Dan. Don’t give away my secrets.”

“Oh yes,” Dan said as he pulled onto the street. “Phil Lester, King of Secret Coffee Rendezvous. Is that your 2022 branding?”

“It’s better than that weird period where we wore the cheese dress all the time.”

Dan laughed. “Should we bring that back?”

“No, Dan. The cheese is dead.”

Phil recorded a little more, but eventually turned off the camera, and let it set in his lap. “I’ll never forget the first time we went to Starbucks,” Phil said quietly. “I was so nervous.”

“ You were nervous?”

Phil looked over at Dan, and Dan glanced over, though he was driving and his eyes should probably have been on the road. Phil was biting his bottom lip, his eyes cast down. “Kind of. Weren’t you?”

Dan could lie or he could make a joke or he could brush it aside, but for once, the truth actually felt easier. “I was terrified, Phil.”

I still am.

Phil didn’t respond to this, and Dan wasn’t really surprised. They both knew and they both didn’t know and turning up the radio and singing along to the new Charli XCX song felt much less scary.

When they made it to Starbucks, Phil turned the camera back on and did his best to subtly film some of it. Dan ordered them drinks—buying and ordering for both of them. They nestled in some big comfy chairs by the window. They joked and took a few sips of the drinks.

“We should probably get going,” Phil said.

Dan scrunched up his face. “Going where?”

“Oh, I didn’t tell you, did I?”

“No…” Dan said, a little wary of whatever strange plan Phil had cooked up.

“We’re going apple picking!” Phil said excitedly, grinning.

“Wait, really?”

“There’s a little orchard not too far from here, and we can pick apples and they have like a quaint little store and whatever. I’ve never done it and thought it would be fun…and festive.”

“Very festive, indeed!”

They took their PSLs into Dan’s car, and Phil hooked up his phone, so it would give them directions.

It was a tiny, preserved historic farm about an hour from where they lived. There was a grey stone cottage with vines growing up the sides, and smattering of other similar buildings within the property. They parked on a little cobblestone road and stepped out into a world of bright orange and red leaves. The air smelled crisp and sweet, and it was just a little chilly, like the perfect autumn day should be.

Phil was standing there, lit just a little by the pale light. God, he’s beautiful. Dan couldn’t help but think it. He couldn’t help but wish he lived in a world where he could walk up behind Phil, slide his arms around his waist, kiss his neck and whisper sweet things in his ear. But that wasn’t the world Dan had been given, for some goddamn inexplicable reason.

Phil turned again, holding the camera on the vlogging stick so they could both be in the shot. Dan shook himself out of his own thoughts and rushed up beside Phil to join in. They were technically working right now, in a way.

“We’re actually at an apple orchard. We have truly reached peak autumn festive-ness.”

“Almost,” Phil said. “Peak autumn festive-ness has to involve wearing a pumpkin as a hat of some kind.”

“You think?”

“I’m about 85 percent certain. Now, let’s go find the apple caretaker person, farmer…orcharder…whatever.”

“Phil Lester, Master of the English Language.”

Phil playfully nudged Dan out of frame. “It’s apple picking time, mate.” He turned off the camera, and his on-camera persona melted away a little, leaving a warmer, more settled Phil. “I did talk to the owner in advance. She said we were good with filming, and I’d like to film her if she’s up for it. I think it might add to the whole thing.”

The door to the stone cottage was slightly ajar and there was a sign hanging on it that read “Open. Come on in.” Dan pulled the door open, held it for Phil and followed in behind him.

The middle-aged woman who owned the orchard greeted them kindly and agreed to be in some of the video, so they filmed a little of that, and of her giving them their baskets and telling them what kinds of apples they had—gala, honeycrisp and pink lady—then, she sent them off down a narrow dirt path scattered with fallen leaves.

They each filled up their small baskets with the apples. Dan found one with a worm on it, squealed and chucked it. Phil started laughing too and seemed a little too happy to have gotten Dan’s reaction on camera.

“Do you think we have enough footage?” Phil asked.

Dan wasn’t really ready to go. He liked being out here in the cool fall air, smelling the fallen leaves and picking shiny apples off trees. He liked being out here with Phil, thinking about nothing at all, but this moment they were sharing together.

“I guess,” he said with a shrug.

Phil turned off the camera. “We can film an end screen or whatever in the car.”

“Okay,” Dan said, feeling a unsettled sadness.

They carted their apples back to the little stone cottage and paid the woman for them.

“If you wanted to put your apples your car and come back. There’s a lovely romantic little walk for the two of you that goes through the woods on the property. It’s just to the east of where you started going into the orchard.”

Neither Dan or Phil corrected her about the ‘romantic walk’. They simply thanked her and carted their apples to the car. Dan sat his basket down and opened the trunk. They set all their apples in the trunk.

As Dan closed the trunk, Phil asked, “You want to, um, go on that walk she was talking about?”

“Do you think we need more for the video?” Dan asked turning toward Phil.

Phil slipped his hands into his pockets and looked up at Dan with a soft, almost deferential look. “No.”

Dan’s heart flipped in chest as he swallowed tightly. “Okay, yeah. Let’s do.”

 

#

Maybe he should have, but he couldn’t. Phil just couldn’t let this day end. He knew that when it was over Dan would be going back to his house, and the make-believe they’d been letting themselves believe in would all be over. So when he heard the suggestion of a walk—a romantic walk—back into those cozy-looking woods, Phil had to ask.

And Dan, Dan had said yes.

The path was narrow and lined with multi-colored trees, and rocky green grasses. Phil could see beyond the tangle of branches, and it didn’t take far down the path for it to feel like there was absolutely nowhere in the world but right here.

“What time is it?” Dan asked, stepping over a large broken tree limb. “Because I’ll go flat out catatonic and you’ll have to drag me out of here if it gets dark.”

Phil laughed and nudged Dan’s arm with his own. “Don’t worry. I promise I’ll get you out of here before it becomes your worst nightmare.”

“It is really beautiful right now, though,” Dan said.

Phil looked over at Dan, at the soft fall of his curls, his pink, chapped lips and that always curious, always thoughtful, look on his face. He wondered sometimes what it would be like to see the world the way Dan sees it, to see its depth more than its width. It was truly one of the things Phil admired most about him.

“It really is,” Phil said, and he wasn’t sure if all he meant was the trees.

They went up a small hill and crossed over a narrow creek. Dan leaned on the bridge. He was smiling with his hands tucked into his pockets and looking out over the babbling, blue water. Subtly, Phil pulled his phone from his pocket and snapped a few pictures, until Dan finally turned toward him and noticed.

“ Phil. ”

“Sorry,” Phil said. “Just wanted to remember this.”

Dan looked down at his shoes and wiggled his feet. He looked so much like Phil remembered him looking all those years ago, when he’d first stepped off that train and into Phil’s life.

“Do you think we should head back?” Dan asked softly.

“Do you want to?”

Dan shook his head.

“Okay.” Phil gave him a soft smile. “Just a little while longer. It will start getting dark soon.”

The trail started to wind a little more, get a little narrower as they dipped into the redder trees. Since the path was no longer as wide, they found themselves being guided closer to each other. Naturally, their arms began to bump, just their coats rustling against each other. Maybe one or the other could have slowed, but neither did. They kept their equal pace, speaking low and warm, in almost whispers.

“So you’re headed home today?” Phil managed, though it was hard, after a brief silence.

“I mean, my house is all back in order.” Dan bumped into him. “I’m sure you’ll be happy to get me out of your hair.”

“You’re usually over at my house, anyway right? It won’t be that different,” he tried to reassure himself.

“Right,” Dan said, looking down. “It’ll be just like it was before.”

“Just like before.” Phil echoed, but the sentiment felt hollow. He wasn’t sure he wanted things to go back to how they were before, but how else could any of this go?

“We should probably head back,” Dan said. “The sun is starting to set.”

Phil looked up through the sparse leaves over head to see the pale pink and purples cast across a half-blue sky.

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, even if what he really wanted to do was reach up and stop the sun in its tracks.

Dan turned quickly bumping into Phil a little, as his shoe smacked down on a large twig. He tripped forward a little and Phil reached out to stop him from toppling over. His hand wrapped around Dan’s wrist, right at the hem of his sleeve.

“You alright?” Phil asked.

“Yeah,” Dan said, sounding a little out of breath.

They both straightened out, but Phil still had a hold of Dan’s wrist. He looked out around him again, at the solitude of the browning leaves and thought about how maybe it was possible—in some corner of reality—that this little path in this little wood was really all that existed of the universe. Phil held onto that thought as he imagined sliding his hand down just a little, and then just a little bit more, until their fingers were locked together.

He would squeeze Dan’s hand—and Dan would squeeze back—and Phil’s heart would be all the way up in his throat. But he didn’t. He didn’t hold Dan’s hand the way he wanted to, the way he ached to…he just let go. He’d been letting go for so long, and maybe that was all he knew how to do anymore.

It seemed to be.

That didn’t stop them, however, from walking so close, so goddamn close. From letting their arms brush, from letting, occasionally, the backs of of their hands touch, as their shoes crunched the fallen leaves and they talked about all the things that didn’t matter and none of the things that did. Because how did you talk about the things that mattered when they were far too big for words?

The sun had almost set, but not quite, when they got back to Dan’s car. They slid into their seats and the interior smelled of the ripe apples they had picked. Dan plugged in his phone and let a playlist play—it was just instrumental piano music—and it made Phil think of London in those days when he was still playing at being brave.

“Do you ever think about it?”

Dan’s grip tightened on the steering wheel. “Think about what?”

“London…Manchester. I think about it sometimes… that night when you knocked on my door at like one in the morning with a suitcase.”

“You asked if I was moving in.”

“And you said you weren’t you just wanted to use my laundry because there was some guy sniffing socks.”

Dan chuckled softly. “But I did…move in…I mean, pretty much.”

“You did.”

“And you never really asked me about it. You just cleaned out a drawer in the bathroom.”

“Yeah.”

After a moment of silence, Dan said, “I’m glad you did. I’m so goddamn glad you made space for me then, and that you keep making space for me in your life now. I don’t think I tell you that enough.”

“You don’t need to.” Phil let out a long breath and looked over at Dan. “I don’t have to make space for you, Dan. You fill the empty space. You always have, even back to that drawer in Manchester.”

In too little time, Dan was pulling up in Phil’s drive again. He parked and they sat there silently, like neither one of them wanted to make the first move to leave. Eventually, it was Dan that spoke up.

“Can I walk you to your door?”

It was a strange request, and Phil might have brought attention to it if he didn’t want to scrape out as much time as he could manage with Dan.

Phil just nodded and unbuckled his seatbelt, grabbing his camera bag as he went. Dan carried Phil’s basket of apples up and onto Phil’s front porch. Phil sat the camera bag on the porch by the door and turned towards Dan, who was setting down the apples as well.

“I had a really good day with you,” Phil said.

“Me too.” Dan smiled. “I’m glad you suggested it.”

“Who knows? Maybe we have a future in farming.”

“Picking a few apples isn’t quite the same thing, but I bet we could do it. If we had to.” Dan smiled and rubbed at the back of his neck. He was standing rather close to Phil, close enough Phil could smell his cologne, and just as he was thinking of that Dan spoke up again.

“Well, I, uh, guess I should go then.”

“Yeah.” Phil sighed. “I guess. You’re probably missing your own bed.” He pulled slowly pulled his keys out of the pocket of his denim jacket.

“Good night, Phil.”

“Good night, Dan.”

With that, Dan turned to walk away. Phil listened to the sound of his footsteps going down the stairs as he started to unlock the front door. He felt a heavy weight in his chest, a tightness in his cheeks and right up around his eyes. Dan was just going across the street. It shouldn’t feel like this. Not like this. But, there was nothing Phil could do so he just turned the key and unlocked the door.

Just then, Phil heard footsteps on the stairs again. He stopped, leaving the keys in the door, and turned to see Dan had come back and was stood just a few steps behind him.

“Is everything okay?” Phil asked. “Did you forget something?”

Dan didn’t reply. He just stood there blinking, an unreadable look on his face.

“Dan?” Phil prompted again.

Dan swallowed. Phil could see it the glow of the warm porch light. His head tilted just slightly, his brow drawn together as he took another step forward. Something about this movement made the pulse in Phil’s chest stutter. He could feel his mouth going dry as he let out a small shaky breath.

Phil didn’t know why Dan had come back—he still hadn’t answered—but Phil knew why he wanted Dan to have come back, and it terrified him—the sheer force of that want.

Dan took another step, and they were so close, maybe one more step between them. It felt like an ache, like something raw and tender.

Dan reached out for Phil, his large hands gripping the denim just below the wool collar. The touch forced every last bit of air out of Phil’s lungs. His back hit the front door with a thud. Phil’s hands moved, as if he weren’t controlling them at all, up to Dan’s black coat. Dan felt so much taller than him—bigger—and his curls were falling over his forehead and his bottom lip was chapped, his mouth open enough to expose a barely-there clean line of white. He smelled warm. He always smelled warm.

It seemed like it all was happening so slowly, but it couldn’t have been. It had to be just a few seconds, but time was all stretched out like taffy.

Then, it happened. In a thunderbolt that jolted reality back into normal time.

Dan kissed Phil.

It was so warm and soft—Dan’s lips were bigger than his and fit perfectly around his own, though he didn’t move his. No, this…this kiss …it overwhelmed Phil in a way he had never felt before. Like he’d been crawling in the desert for years and he’d finally clawed through the sand deep enough to find ground water. A kiss shouldn’t feel like that. Like being almost dead and then not dying. Like being saved from an oblivion you hadn’t even realized you’d been staring down.

Phil shoved Dan away.

Dan let out a broken gasp and hung his head. His mouth was still wet from Phil’s mouth, and his expression was no longer unreadable. Phil knew Dan was petrified. Dan. Just Dan. This was just Dan.

And God, how Phil wanted him.

In an instant, Phil was on Dan again, crushing their mouths together. Desperate and still so thirsty. He kissed those soft lips, opened his mouth for Dan’s wet tongue. His hands were everywhere and Dan’s hands were everywhere, and they were on the porch. They couldn’t stay on the porch, he thought feebly in the back of his mind.

Phil pulled Dan back and reached behind himself to twist the door handle and tug them both inside. Dan kicked the door shut behind them. Phil leaned up to kiss Dan again, bumping their noses together. Dan made a low grumble in his throat as he slammed Phil against the wall, and pressed their bodies together. Dan slid his hands under Phil’s coat, up over his shoulders and Phil shrugged out of the heavy denim. Dan worked his way out of his own coat without ever taking his mouth off Phil’s mouth.

Dan tasted like sweet cinnamon gum, like himself, and it was so good. The best thing Phil could possibly imagine. But then Dan’s mouth left his mouth and started working on his cheek and down his throat and Phil threw his head back, a dark sound breaking out of his mouth.

Dan kept kissing there, wet and insistent, making Phil’s whole body feel like it was going to disintegrate the way a good dream does when you start to wake. Dan was so tall and so large. Just so much bigger than him. Phil’s hands gripped Dan’s tense biceps. They were firm from the workouts he had to do, and God, that turned Phil on. He was so goddamn turned on.

He was hard.

Dan moved his mouth back to Phil’s, pushed their bodies even closer.

Dan was hard too. Fuck.

Their mouths hovered together—just a breath apart—their noses touching. Phil’s hands slid down Dan’s body and tugged him in as Phil rolled his hips into Dan’s. Dan let out a broken breath and then he kissed Phil with a desperate force that pushed him just a little further down the hallway—like they were headed somewhere other than this narrow hall, somewhere upstairs, somewhere behind a closed door.

Phil’s shoulder collided with something hard and it made him gasp. A loud clatter that echoed through the hallway and stopped Phil in his tracks.

Phil pulled his mouth away and looked down at the floor. Dan’s hands were still on him as he saw his family photo on the ground—shattered.

“Oh, fuck Phil,” Dan said. “Shit, I’m sorry.”

Phil went cold—like his blood was liquid nitrogen—as he stared down at the broken bits. He ripped away from Dan and dropped to his knees. His hands scrambled over the wreckage.

“Phil…” Dan’s voice came softly. “The picture’s fine. It’s just the frame.” He started to kneel down to help.

“Don’t.” The loudness of his own voice shocked Phil. “Just don’t.”

“I’ll…I’ll, uh, get a broom and dustpan.” Dan’s voice sounded unsure, shaky, but Phil couldn’t think about that, couldn’t think about anything, but Rosie and Teddy and June staring up at him.

When Dan tried to step past him, Phil stopped him with his voice. “Don’t”

“You can’t pick it up with your hands, Phil. You’ll cut yourself. Let me—”

“You need to leave,” Phil hissed through his teeth, his whole body still numb and cold.

“What?” Dan stared down at him, that petrified look back on his face, but this time Phil couldn’t save him from it. He couldn’t save himself from it either. But Dan didn’t move and Phil needed him to.

“Get out,” Phil said, through his teeth. When that didn’t work, he shouted, “Get the fuck out of my house, Dan! Now!”

Dan turned and left.

Chapter 16

It took three tries for Dan to get his key into the lock in his front door. He hadn’t taken anything out of the car—not the apples or his bags—he simply stumbled, almost madly, up the front steps to a front porch that was so similar to Phil’s it felt almost like a nightmare. Finally, Dan managed to shove the key into the keyhole and twist and open the door.

He threw himself through the door and into his house. It didn’t smell like home. It smelled like cleaner and fresh paint, and there were no shoes strew on the floor, no jackets on the coat hooks, none of the little every day discrepancies that made this feel like the home he’d built with Roger.

Roger— the name sort of muddled around in his head and he wasn’t sure what to do with it, so he pushed it aside. Dan’s head was spinning and his mouth was dry and he needed to calm down, to take some deep breaths, to hold the cracking bits of himself together.

He flipped on the light in the hall, and then forced his body to keep moving toward the kitchen. When he got there, he flipped that light on too.

Dan forced breath deep into his lungs, deeper than felt comfortable and blew it back out. He did this again and again, hoping that it would feel like it was supposed to. That making his body act like everything wasn’t falling apart would convince his mind of the same thing.

He bit at his dry lips, and tried not to think of all the places they’d just been.

Dan sort of tripped forward. He still didn’t have total control of his limbs. His hands gripped the edge of the marble countertop and squeezed hard enough that his palms ached. It was going to be okay, he tried to say to himself. He could beg Phil’s forgiveness. He could make new promises. Phil would forgive him, wouldn’t he?

Dan needed a distraction. Something cool and wet in his mouth that made him feel like he was still a human with a body. He pulled open the glasses cupboard and his heart sank.

The cleaning crew had put things back in the wrong place and, instead of the clear drinking glasses, that were normally in this cupboard. Dan found himself staring at a collection of Dan and Phil merch coffee mugs. There was a simple one with whiskers for pinof. There was one with their cartoon faces. One with Japan branding. A festive one where they were wearing Santa hats. There were several that simply read “Dan and Phil.”

Dan and Phil. Dan and Phil. Dan and Phil.

He reached out a shaky hand and wrapped it around one of the mug handles. Dan looked down at the white porcelain, which was chipped around the rim from overuse. Dan just kept looking down at it, staring really, and then he picked up the mug and threw it as hard as he could on the tile floor.

It shattered into pieces.

Dan reached into the cupboard and grabbed another—the one with the whiskers. Dan thought about that first video he’d made with Phil. This was the most fun I’ve ever had. He smashed that mug on the hard tile too.

He grabbed them one after the other, hurling them on the floor or on the counters or at the cupboards. Over and over and over, with thoughts of every damn thing that had happened to them flooding through his mind. Good and bad and mundane.

All the times he thought Phil wanted him— smash— all the times he let himself believe just to get fucked over— smash —again. What was wrong— smash —with him? What was he doing— smash —wrong? Why didn’t Phil— smash —want him?

Why doesn’t he want me?

Dan felt his legs give out from underneath him and he slid to floor, barely kicking away most of the broken bits of porcelain.

He doesn’t want me.

Dan pulled his knees into his chest. He let out a small, broken breath.

He never wanted me—not enough—and look what I’ve done. I’ve ruined everything.

Tears burned at the corner of Dan’s eyes and he was so tired of fighting them that he let them fall, let them drip down his cheeks and into his mouth and onto his jeans because he didn’t even care enough to wipe them away.

It hurt. It hurt in the kind of way that made him question whether or not the bones inside his body were actually snapping one by one. He was so scared—-so goddamn scared. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what else to do.

Dan pulled his phone out of his pocket and called Roger.

It rang a few times before, “Hi, Love. How are you? How’s the house?”

Answer him. But Dan’s throat was too tight and all his words seemed to twist and tangle up in his mouth, and he couldn’t.

“Dan?”

Dan sniffled, a sob breaking on his lips. He needed to say something, but he just really couldn’t figure out how.

There was alarm in Roger’s voice. “Dan? What’s wrong? Are you okay? What’s going on? Please talk to me.”

Dan drew in a shuddery breath. His voice was tight and weak. “R-roger. I’m…I’m not. I’m not okay.”

“Okay,” Roger sounded worried, “Okay. Are you at Phil’s? Are you at home? You shouldn’t be alone. Can he come over until—”

“ No. No Roger, I need you . Please.”

“Oh, oh Love. Just stay on the phone with me, okay? I’m leaving right now. I’m coming home. I’ll be there as soon as I—”

“No.” Dan sniffled. “Don’t—”

“Baby, I can’t let you be alone.”

“I want to come to you,” Dan said quickly. “Please. I need to be somewhere else.”

Roger was silent on the other side of the phone. “You’re scaring me, Dan.”

“Please, can I? Can I just come be with you?”

“Of course, you can. I can have a plane ready for you in an hour.”

“I…I have to pack a bag,” Dan barely managed. He was more thinking aloud than trying to say anything to Roger anyway.

“No, you don’t. I’ll get you whatever you need, okay? I’m going to call you a car and all you have to do is walk to it. Okay? Can you do that for me, baby?”

“I’m sorry, Roger.” Dan leaned his head on his knees. “I’m so sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry.”

“I love you, Dan,” Roger said firmly, fiercely.

“You shouldn’t,” Dan said coldly.

“How many times do I have to tell you that you don’t get to decide that?”

“ Roger .”

“Just stay on the phone with me, okay? You don’t even have to say anything. Just as long as I can hear you breathing.”

“Talk to me.”

“About what, baby?”

Dan sniffed. “Anything. Your day. Anything.”

“Okay…okay. I’m going to tell someone to call that car and make sure the plane is ready and you’ll be here with me in like three hours, if that. Okay?”

Dan nodded, before realizing Roger couldn’t see him. “Yeah, o-okay.”

Following some silence, Roger started to talk, stumbling over his words at first, but eventually he started just filling the silence with his warm, posh voice, and Dan closed his eyes and listened to the sound. He wasn’t sure he was really internalizing what was being said but the familiar cadence was enough to keep him from losing himself anymore than he already had.

Dan stayed on the phone when the car got to the house and all the way to the airport and to the private terminal where the plane was waiting for him. He’d never been in one of these things without Roger before, and it felt strange now to sit in the soft leather seats without him.

“I’m so tired,” Dan said.

“I know, but I’m not sure I feel comfortable letting you go.”

“I’ll be okay. Really. I’m not alone and I just…I need to sleep.”

Roger said nothing for a moment, then replied, “I’ll have my phone in my hand the whole time. Call me if you need, ok? Even if you just want to talk for a second. Or text me or whatever I’m—“

“Roger…“

Roger sighed. “I know. I know. I’m smothering you. I’m—“

“Thank you,” Dan said. “I was just going to say thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Dan leaned his head back against the headrest and shut his eyes. “So, so tired.”

“Okay, Love. I’ll be waiting for you. I love you so much.”

Dan tensed, trying to keep even more tears from spilling. “I love you too,” he said, choked up, and hung up the phone.

As he was sitting on Roger’s plane, Dan couldn’t reconcile that this was the end of a day that had started with Phil making him pumpkin pancakes, but he couldn’t go there. He couldn’t because he wasn’t sure he could find his way back out. And now he was too exhausted. Too exhausted to think, too exhausted to do anything but just fall asleep.

Dan didn’t wake up until the plane landed on the runway. The motion jolted him up and he looked out the window to the bright lights shining down on the tarmac.  

He picked up his phone and saw six messages, for the quickest moment he thought maybe they were from Phil. He wasn’t sure if he wanted them to be or not. But they were all from Roger.

I love you.

I just want you to know that.

I wish planes flew faster.

I can’t wait to see you.

Sorry

See you soon.

A small smile tugged Dan’s mouth, and he was surprised he even had the energy. It wasn’t long before the plane came to a stop, and Dan was being let off it. He walked down the few steps and searched the artificially lit blacktop. There was a black car parked nearby—and standing just a few feet from there was Roger in a black wool coat with his hands in his pockets. He looked tense, but when Roger’s gaze met Dan’s, Roger visibly relaxed.

“ Dan .”

Roger bolted forward and wrapped Dan in a tight hug. Dan hugged him back just as tightly, burying his face between his neck and shoulder and just breathing in the warm, familiar scent of his birch wood aftershave.

“Roger,” Dan said, the words muffled against his the wool collar of his coat.

Roger kissed his ear, and Dan leaned into the touch like it was a kind of gravity.

“I’m here, baby,” Roger said. “I’ve got you. I’m here. You’re here.”

“I’m here.”

With a deep sigh, Roger leaned back and put a hand on Dan’s face. He kissed Dan on the forehead and then on his nose and then dropped a kiss down Dan’s mouth. It was soft and warm—familiar, like hot, spiced tea—and it didn’t feel at all like falling apart.

“It’s freezing out here,” Roger said softly, stroking his knuckles over Dan’s cheek. “Come on. Let’s get you out of the cold.”

Dan didn’t say anything. He just nodded, and Roger took his head. He pulled him in the direction of the black car and opened the door for him. Dan slid inside and Roger slid in after him.

“Would you like to go back to the house, Mr. Ackerly?” the driver asked.

“Yes, Steven. Thank you so much,” Roger said. He put his arm across Dan’s shoulder and Dan tucked into him.

He probably shouldn’t be doing this—clinging so desperately to Roger—it wasn’t fair, but God, he needed Roger’s strong, steady hand right now.

Roger kissed the top of his head. “I missed you so much.”

Dan sniffed, nuzzling in even closer. “Missed you too.” It wasn’t a lie, even though Dan hadn’t thought much about Roger in the last few days. In this moment, it was the furthest thing from a lie.

“I’m going to get you home and get you into a bubble bath. How’s that sound?”

“Can we just…get in bed, maybe?”

“Yeah, Love. Anything you want. Are you hungry?”

Dan wasn’t sure either way. “I didn’t eat dinner.”

“I’ll order sushi. How’s that? From your favorite place. You can eat it in bed.”

“Are they even open?” It was pretty late.

Roger paused. “Yeah…I think so.”

Dan knew that was actually a no, but Roger was going to pay them for it to be a yes. “Okay. Thank you.”

“Anything you want, baby.” Roger pulled him in even tighter as he kissed Dan’s temple.

“You need to stop being so nice to me,” Dan said.

“No I don’t.”

“ Roger .”

“ Dan.” Roger shook his head. “When will you get it through that pretty little head of yours, that I love you, all of you, even the parts of you that you don’t like.”

“You wouldn’t,” Dan said, almost below his breath.

Roger scooted back, just a little, and tilted Dan’s chin toward his. “I love you, Dan. That’s no exceptions. Non-negotiable, okay?”

Dan had no idea how to respond to that. How did anyone respond to that kind of goodness? “Sushi in bed?”

Roger let out a soft laugh, and kissed Dan on the nose. “Yeah, baby. Every night this week if you want.”

“I do, you know,” Dan said quietly. “Love you.”

“I know,” Roger said, “I’m just glad you’re here with me now.”

Dan rested his head back on Roger’s chest. “Me too,” he whispered.

They didn’t say much on the drive, and Dan was happy that Roger was just letting him sit there in the silence. He was feeling numb, like he imagined the shock you’d feel if you lost a limb. Horrible pain followed by buzzing, ghostly nothing.

Dan was barely aware of their stop to get sushi take-away, barely aware of the car coming to a stop, of Roger taking his hand and helping him out of the car, barely aware of the walk inside of the Ackerly summer house.

Chapter 17

Little, painful shards of glass had lodged themselves in Phil’s hands, just like Dan had warned him would happen. He tried to pick them out with his fingernails, but they were clear and much harder to see than a wooden splinter. Running his hands under warm tap water might help loosen them. Phil wasn’t sure, but he was trying.

It had been no more than an hour since he’d shouted at Dan to get out of his house, barely less than that since Dan had grabbed and kissed him. It seemed like maybe the longest hour of his life. There were still pieces of the frame shattered in the hall, but the photograph was on the kitchen table, crinkled now in the corners where he’d been gripping it. It had survived the crash, but was probably now permanently damaged by Phil’s desperate clutching fingers. 

He turned off the faucet, then dried his hand on the hand towel attached to the dishwasher. It had a little knitted top of blue and green yarn. June’s mother had started making these when she retired, and had wanted something to do to pass the time. It was wonky and poorly made, but she’d been so excited to give it to Phil. It was probably the best memory he had of his mother-in-law How many things were like that around this house? These small, material objects into which life had managed to imbue all this meaning, apart from their actual, functional value. 

Was that what Phil had done to his relationship with Dan over the years? Just stacked up their shared experiences, interests and plans until it felt like more than it actually was? Is that what Dan had done to him too? 

It was easy to do, Phil told himself. He’d thrown a tantrum and shouted at Dan over a photograph that wasn’t the issue at all just because a cheap Asda frame had felt like it meant something. 

God, Phil needed to talk to Dan. To explain what had happened. To explain that they could get past this, just like they had ten years ago. They did it back then and they could do it again. 

Phil didn’t want to do it over the phone, so he walked backed to the hallway to grab his coat, and did his best not to think about the way it had felt when Dan kissed him—how complete and overwhelming—how terrifyingly final. It couldn’t be final. There had to be a way back from it because Phil didn’t know how to function without Dan. Not professionally, not personally, not at all.

He walked the familiar distance between his house and Dan’s. When he got up the porch to the front door, Phil lifted his hand to knock, but the door was slightly cracked open. That’s strange. He lightly tapped the door and called into the house.

“Dan, it’s me. We need to talk.” There was no answer, so Phil tried again. “Dan? I know you’re pissed. I was an ass, and I’m sorry. Please.” Still, there was no reply. Phil tensed, a base worry starting to rise between his ribs.

Phil pushed the door open and stepped inside. He called out for Dan a few more times, but to no avail. Maybe he’d gone out. But that didn’t make sense. His car was still in the driveway, and it was too dark and cold at this point to walk safely. And, he’d left the front door open.

Phil walked down the hallway toward the kitchen, where a light was on. Maybe Dan was just eating, and had his headphones in or something. He tended to do that sometimes. 

“Dan,” Phil called out loudly. “Take your headphones out. We need to—”

Phil stepped into the kitchen. His heart dropped. The floor was littered with broken pieces of porcelain. Without breathing, Phil knelt down to pick one of the larger pieces up. It must have already been partially cracked because it split in two in his hand. He turned the pieces over, and it made him stumble back.

It was a march mug they’d made back in 2018. They’d been simple—just three words—Dan and Phil—and it had broken straight through the ‘and’. Phil scrambled through the wreckage, once again, finding himself not all concerned about his hands being cut. He turned over as many pieces as he could find, hoping to at least find one bit of the rubble from a coffee cup that wasn’t one of theirs. Something to suggest that Dan hadn’t done this, that it had been some weird accident from the cleaning crew. But every single one he looked at was a piece of an old merch mug.

A new jolt of fear burst through him. Dan’s car was outside, the door was open, so he’d at least come in, right? Come in and destroyed all this stuff they’d made together. And he didn’t seem to be home at all, but he had to be home. It was freezing outside and his car was still parked in the driveway.

Phil shot to his feet. “Dan!” he shouted. “Answer me, goddammit. Dan!”

He ran back down the hallway to the staircase, and burst up them as fast as he could go. Phil wasn’t even entirely sure what he was afraid, of what he thought he could possibly find, but…God, he’d been an ass. He’d let Dan kiss him and then kissed him back and then told him to leave, to get the fuck out of his house. And Dan…Dan was in love with him. Dan had always been in love with him.

So what if… oh God, what if…

“Dan!” Phil shouted, throwing the door open to his bedroom. He flipped on the light.

Dan wasn’t in there. The bed was perfectly made, nothing was out of place. The door to the bathroom was cracked and Phil rushed in.

Still no one.

Call him, said a logical, but weak voice in his head. Just call him.

Phil pulled out his phone. He had a text message, but it wasn’t from Dan. It was from Roger.

He’s with me.

Phil let out a shaky breath of relief. Dan was okay. He was with Roger, whatever that meant. Roger must have picked him up or sent a car for him or something. But was there more to what Roger meant by those words. He’s with me. Or was it just Phil’s guilt eating at him? 

Roger was his friend too—and he’d just had his tongue down his boyfriend’s throat. Had his hands all over his body. Had thoughts in his head of what would have happened had he not pushed Dan away. Of letting Dan take his clothes off, kiss the insides of his thighs, push inside him…

“Fuck,” Phil hissed. How could he still be thinking like this? What the fuck was wrong with him?

Phil sat down on the edge of Dan and Roger’s bed, cradling his cell phone in his hand. He started to peck out a message to Roger an “okay, thanks” or something like that, but it all felt wrong, like a bigger form of lying than just not talking to him at all.

And what if he’s with me meant more than just Dan is safe. It could just as easily mean he’s with me. he’s mine. back the fuck off. Dan could’ve told him, and Phil wondered if he did, if Roger would break up with Dan or give him an ultimatum like stop being friends with Phil or I’m gone. Would all of Roger’s two hundred and some pounds of muscle come back here and kick his ass?

Roger was rich…like wealthy kind of rich, not Google adsense rich. Was there something  Roger could sue Phil for?

Phil was staring down at his phone, at Roger’s text, when it rang. It startled him and he jumped. He hoped to see Dan’s name so they could figure this out, but it wasn’t. It was exactly who it couldn’t be right now. Exactly who he just needed it not to be. June.

Roger was more her friend than Phil’s. Had he called her? This was, of course, presuming that Roger knew. He could definitely not know and all this not knowing if people knew was giving Phil an anxiety headache worse than the one he already had. 

Maybe he shouldn’t answer it, just let it go to voicemail. But what if it was nothing and this made him look suspicious? What if it was something and not answering made it look like he didn’t care about her or like he wouldn’t be willing to face up to what he’d done? God, he wasn’t cut out for this. 

He had to answer it.

With a shaking hand, Phil touched the green button and lifted his phone to his ear.

“Hi, June,” he said, trying to sound much calmer than he actually felt. 

“Daddy!” It wasn’t June, but Rosalie. His stomach dropped, and he immediately felt his eyes burn.

“Hey, Rosie,” he managed though his throat just kept growing tighter. “Hi, sweetie. How’s grandma’s?”

“Good! Mommy and I made her cupcakes and Grandma made her used real sugar.”

“Really?” Phil said, tightly. “Well, good for Grandma.”

“Miss you, Daddy.”

“Miss you too. Love you, Rosie.”

In the background, he could faintly hear June tell Rosalie to tell Phil she loved him, but he could already hear her little three year old feet pattering off in the background.

“Sorry about that,” June said. “Mom’s got the kids hopped up on sugar, and Dad’s been telling me he wants to teach Teddy to saw all day. I’ve been trying to help Teddy hide, but we’re running out of hiding spots.”

“I heard that,” June’s dad said.

Phil could hear the noise quiet down in the background. June must have been walking away from the chaos to find a quieter place to talk . Once Phil could no longer hear the rumblings of the house, June began to talk again.

“So, I talked to Roger earlier today.”

Phil tensed. June had seemed fine up until this point, but maybe she was just putting on a show for her family. 

“You did?” he asked quietly. 

“Yeah. He said their house was finished. Did Dan go back?”

“Uh, uh. Yeah, yeah he did,” Phil said nervously. An illogical and anxious part of his mind kept suggesting that somehow June could see straight through the phone. Could tell he was in their house right now, sitting on their bed. 

“That’s good,” June said. “For them, I mean. I imagine it’s probably pretty quiet around the house for you now. Though I guess he’ll be there to work.”

“Actually, um, he’s not…he went to go see Roger.”

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line. “He did?” June asked.

“Yeah. It was like a last minute surprise thing, I guess.” Are you stupid, Phil? Roger could tell her anything, and it could be completely different from this. He was so not fucking cut out for lying.

“Kind of weird timing, don’t you think? I mean, they just got their house back.”

“That’s what I thought, but you know—“

“Guess there’s no explaining rich people.”

Phil’s instinct was to claim that even though they weren’t private jet rich, they were technically rich. You couldn’t have several million pounds in assets and not be considered rich. Phil put a hand to his forehead. Why did he always start thinking about finances when he got nervous?

“Phil?”

“Yeah, you’re right. Sorry. How’s your mum?”

“Um, a lot better. She’s been enjoying seeing the kids. It’s been a while.”

“And how are you? Like, really, how are you?”

“I’m…I’m fine. It’s a bit chaotic here, but weirdly mostly in a fun way. It’s nice to see family sometimes.”

“Yeah, it is.”

It was, and it felt like forever since Phil had seen his. Last Christmas probably. They didn’t go on the Lester family holiday to Florida this year because June hated the heat and the humidity and the ‘giant, nightmare swamp lizards’. Usually, Dan came with him to help out, but he’d been in Tahiti with Roger. And Phil was thinking about Dan again. Fuck.

“How long are you going to be down there again?” Phil asked.

“Another week or so. I’ll get back right before Teddy has to go back to school.” June paused. “It’ll almost be weird, you know? Everything’s seemed so different.”

“It has,” Phil said.

June was right. In a way, these last weeks had been like straddling a line between two different lives, like pretending he could have things both ways. 

“I should probably get back to helping with the kids, but you have a good night, Phil, okay?”

“Yeah, you too, June.”

“Alright, Bye.” She hung up. 

Phil just sat there on the edge of Dan and Roger’s bed, holding his phone in his hand and starting down at the now black screen. How had it gotten like this? Forced, empty conversations on the phone? Discussions that barely go deeper than daily planning for the kids?  Phil missed what it had been like with June in those early days. When they’d had to hunker down in that little London apartment and protect themselves from the outside world. Had to protect their baby—this accidental creation they’d both managed to love more than they even imagined possible. How had this family they’d built gone from feeling like a rebellion to feeling like a corporate meeting. 

Maybe because you checked out a long fucking time ago. 

The voice in Phil’s head wasn’t welcome, but it also wasn’t wrong. When the cocktail of hormones had worn off, Phil had started to realize just how little they’d had in common, just how little they’d known each other when they stood in front of a judge and promised to spend the rest of their lives together. And ever since that little thought had cropped up in his mind, that maybe his marriage hadn’t been built on the most solid of foundations, Phil had slowly begun to harden a small piece of himself at a time.

It didn’t matter though. He’d made a choice. He’d a made a promise—to be a husband and a father—and he hadn’t been living up to the kind of husband and father he wanted to be. This…this thing with Dan…it was simply a wake-up call. All he had to do now was pack his things and get driving.

By tomorrow morning, he’d be with his family and everything would be fine. He could fix this. He had to be able to fix this. What goddamn good was he if he couldn’t fix this? 

Chapter 18

 

Dan hadn’t been to the Ackerly summer house in over a year. He didn’t usually like to go the vineyard with Roger. Roger’s mum and dad were often around, and they’d never gotten along. Plus, he hated how small and manufactured this place made Dan’s suburban home feel. It had an old stone exterior, but it was enormous and had been beautifully restored on the inside.

Roger walked up behind Dan and gently kissed his neck. “Why don’t you go upstairs and get into bed? I’ve got some clothes you can borrow, if you want them. I’ll plate the sushi and bring up some wine. How does that sound?”

“Good.” Dan nodded. “Thanks, Roj.”

“You’re welcome, Love.”

Roger slipped past him and head around the staircase toward the kitchen. Dan dragged himself upstairs, and down the hall to the master bedroom. Slowly, he unzipped his jacket and threw it over the chair. He pulled out of his shoes and then tugged off his jeans and jumper, so he was in nothing but his pants. Dan opened Roger’s antique wardrobe and grabbed Roger’s Oxford hoody. It was grey—soft and warm—threadbare around the cuffs—and it smelled like the expensive detergent Roger only used here because at their house they used the detergent June always gave them because she bought it in bulk with coupons. 

It wasn’t long after Dan had crawled under the covers that Roger was coming into the room with a large plate of sushi, two glasses of wine and a bottle of water on a tray. He sat the tray down on the night stand, then handed the bottle of water to Dan.

“Drink some of this first, okay?”

“Thanks,” Dan said. It felt like one of the few things Dan was still capable of saying. 

Roger started to turn away. “I know how you like to be alone when you’re feeling like this.” 

“Please don’t go,” Dan said, almost frantically.

“Okay, okay. I won’t.” A tiny smile pulled onto Roger’s face as he sat down beside Dan on the bed. He poured them each a glass of wine, and then sat the plate of sushi on the bed. “No wine until you finish your water.”

Dan cracked open the bottle and drank half of it in one go.

“Goddamn, you’re thirsty.” Roger grabbed his glass of white wine and walked around the bed to the other side. He propped up a pillow and sat down beside Dan. 

Dan finished off the water and then popped a bite into his mouth. He didn’t realize how hungry he was until he had that first roll in his mouth. He ate two others almost immediately after, then took a sip of wine.

“Aren’t you going to eat any?” Dan asked with his mouth full.

“I don’t know. Not sure they’ll be any left.”

Dan took a sip of his wine and then crossed his legs on the bed. “Have some. It’s really good.”

“If you insist.”

“I do.”

So they sat there, still barely talking, just drinking their wine and eating the sushi that Dan didn’t even want to know how much Roger had paid for. All the bright flavors were keeping him from thinking about anything else. When the food and wine was gone, Dan actually felt sated.

“Come on, Daniel. Let’s go. Get ready for bed.”

“Do I have to?”

“You really want to sleep with sushi breath?”

Dan shook his head, and Roger was already on his side of the bed, pulling on his hands to get him up. Dan went with little resistance. 

They walked into the bathroom. It had been remodeled recently, but in a way that still looked like it belonged in this antique house. It had a large clawfoot tub and a separate stone-grey shower and a basin sink. 

Roger pulled a new toothbrush out of the medicine cabinet and handed it to Dan along with the cinnamon toothpaste they both used. They stood there, shoulder to shoulder, brushing their teeth, and Dan was kind of just leaning on him.

After they rinsed out their mouths, Roger asked, “You ready for bed, now?”

Dan looked over at the door back to the bedroom and then over at the shower that he remembered had pretty much perfect water pressure. This had been a long day—one of the longest he could remember—and he felt sweaty and sticky and covered in some sort of invisible residue he just needed to get off his skin.

“I think I changed my mind. I want to take a shower.”

Roger ruffled Dan’s hair. “I think that’s a good idea.”

“Why? Because I stink?” Dan said, the small quirk to his lip almost feeling natural again.

“A little.”

Dan elbowed Roger. “Hey.”

“Just get in the shower. I’ll be waiting when you get out.” Roger started to step away, but that feeling of panic just rose in Dan’s chest again. He didn’t want Roger to go anywhere. He wanted him right here. He needed him.

Dan grabbed onto Roger’s wrist. “You’re kind of stinky too.”

“Am I?”

Dan nodded.

“You sure?”

“Do you not want to?” Dan asked, nervously.

“God, baby, of course I want to.” Roger grabbed at the bottom of the hoody Dan was wearing. Roger nuzzled Dan’s neck and lowered his voice. “I always love seeing you in my clothes.”

“It’s comfy.”

Roger nuzzled at Dan’s neck. “Yeah,” he said softly, and then he stepped back to pull the hoody over Dan’s head. Then, he whipped off his own t-shirt and unbuttoned his jeans. 

Dan just sort of watched Roger. It had been a while since Dan had really appreciated Roger’s body. He was fit, and Dan could see the muscles in his abdomen flexing. He had broad tan shoulders, and tight strong arms—and just a softest line golden hair leading down below the waistband of his boxer-briefs.

“What?” Roger asked, looking almost self-conscious. “Why are you staring?”

“You’re really hot.”

Roger snorted. 

“Seriously, you’re way too fucking hot to be with me."

“You’re ridiculous. You’re beautiful. The most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. Now get your ass in the shower before I toss you in.”

Dan rolled his eyes, but tugged his pants off. He watched Roger do the same. 

“Daniel, stop staring. You’re embarrassing me.” 

“You really want me to stop?”

“No.” Roger breathed out. “Never.”

Roger turned on the shower and got it to the perfect temperature. They both liked their showers to run a little hot, and Dan stepped under that wonderful pressure. Roger stepped in behind him and ducked under the spray. 

“God, that feels nice,” Roger said. “To just wash away the day.”

“You have no idea.”

As the water rolled down Dan’s curls, Roger reached behind him and grabbed a black bottle of expensive shampoo-something with Argan oil and squirted it into his hands. “Can I?” Roger whispered in Dan’s ear.

“Yes, please,” Dan said.

Roger sank his fingers into Dan’s hair and worked the shampoo into a lather. The motion of his fingers against Dan’s scalp sent an unexpected flurry of jitters all across his skin. But Roger wasn’t taking this how he normally took it when they showered, he wasn’t slowly dropping his hand down Dan’s back and running it over Dan’s ass. Dan couldn’t feel Roger’s hard cock pressed against him.

“Roger?” 

“Mmm?”

“T-touch me.”

“I am touching you,” Roger said. “Now, rinse your hair out.”

Dan sighed, but did as he was told. “I’m not like totally useless, you know?”

“And I don’t think your usefulness is measured by whether or not I can fuck you at the moment.”

“You know what I mean…I know I’m not sexy when I’m like that…like who wants to fuck a sentient mess, but…never mind, I get it.”

“Is that what you think?” Roger turned Dan to face him and put a hand on his cheek. “Daniel, look.” He grabbed Dan’s hand and lowered it to his cock—it was long and already hard. “Feel that. This is what you do to me. What you’ve always done to me. After we met and you replied to me on Twitter, I looked you up and God, I got so hard just looking at your instagram. I don’t think I ever told you but I jacked off to the picture you’d taken the morning before Wimbledon…you and your bloody perfect ankles.” 

“Roger.” Dan wrapped his hand around Roger’s dick and squeezed.

Roger’s mouth fell open a little and he let out a broken breath, then he took Dan’s hand again and lowered it down past his balls and to his ass. “Do you want to fuck me, Dan? I’ll ride you. I know you’re tired. You won’t have to do any of the work.”

“Fuck.” Dan had fucked Roger before, but he could count the amount of times on one hand. Dan liked topping, but bottoming wasn’t really Roger’s thing. “You don’t have to.”

“Want to, baby.” Roger kissed Dan’s wet lips, and pushed them under the spray, then pulled them back out of it again. “Been so long since you’ve been inside me. God, I’ve missed you.”

This time, it was Dan that kissed Roger. He was saying all the right words and doing all the right things and the way he wanted Dan without reservation or fear. It was what Dan needed right now, what he craved.

They stood there under the spray, touching each other’s bodies with soap and slow hands and searching lips. The steam was making it hard to breathe, and Dan was getting hard too, even though Roger hadn’t touched his cock yet. When they were clean, Roger turned off the shower spray and they dried each other off with warm, expensive towels. It was slowed down and lazy, and Dan just kept looking at Roger, like he was seeing him in a way he hadn’t in a long time. Something like the way he used to see Roger, in those first years together. Like he was a rope to safety thrown down into a pit of darkness. All Dan had to do was grip tight and pull himself up again. He’d done it once before. 

Kissing, they wandered their way back into the bedroom. All hands and mouths—their toes occasionally brushing, tripping over each other—as they made their way to the soft bed. Roger pushed Dan down on it, and began kissing his neck, long and slow, licking up and over his Adam’s apple and kissing his chin and then his lips. Roger bit at his bottom one and then sucked it into mouth, then he licked into Dan’s mouth, pressing their tongues together. It was move that had Dan arching into it, had his cock twitching against his leg, a move that reminded Dan that Roger had been mapping his body for five years and new exactly what roads to travel down. 

Roger pulled away to grab lube out of the nightstand. He settled back on Dan’s legs, and then covered his fingers in the clear, sticky liquid. Roger was staring right at him as he reached behind himself. Dan couldn’t see Roger’s fingers, but he knew what was happening by Roger’s dropped open mouth, by the little hisses coming from his mouth.

“Sorry, baby,” Roger said. “I don’t do this very often.”

“I know. You really don’t have—“

“I didn’t mean…God, I’m just so tight.” Roger leaned his head back and whined and Dan could just imagine a second wet finger pushing inside him. A part of Dan wished they were his fingers, but he also just enjoyed watching Roger like this, all damp skin and twitching muscles. 

With his other hand, Roger started slowly stroking Dan—again, just how he liked it—slow but tight. 

“I want you so badly,” Roger said. “I think I’m…I’m ready for your cock, Dan.”

“Sit on it, baby, please.”

Roger let out a warm, deep growl and hissed through shut teeth as he pulled his fingers out. He put his wet, hot fingers on Dan’s hip as he pulled himself forward and settled over Dan’s cock.

“W-wait,” Dan said.

Roger tensed. “What?”

“Kiss me first.”

Dan leaned up trying to get to Roger, but his legs were still pinned down by Roger’s weight. Thankfully, Roger was flexible enough to lean down and crush Dan’s mouth with his own. Dan could feel how much Roger wanted him in that kiss, could feel that it was exactly what he wanted to say, and—for the first time, maybe ever—Dan was ready to hear it.

Dan chased after Roger’s lips when Roger pulled back, but Roger didn’t come back to him. He settled himself over Dan’s hard dick, and started to push down on it. 

“Fuck!” Dan shouted, his fingers digging into the duvet, as Roger slowly sank down onto him.

It was incredible sight, one he hadn’t been able to enjoy nearly often enough. Roger—tall, strong, muscular Roger, sat on his cock, stroking his own dick.

Roger just started to lift himself up slowly, then drop himself back down, easy, small bounces that were tight and warm and novel. A mouth just wasn’t the same and Dan had desperately missed this. But this wasn’t right. He didn’t want to just like here and watch while Roger squeezed around his cock. He wanted to be here—one hundred percent—touching and kissing and making Roger feel good.

Dan mustered all his strength and hitched his leg onto Roger’s hip. He flipped them over, making the bed squeak under their weight.

“Daniel,” Roger breathed out, his eyes wide. “Aren’t you tired?”

“Not for this.” Dan settled between Roger’s pushed up knees, then fucked in as deep as he could go. “Not for you.”

“Fuck, Love.”

“How does it feel?” Dan breathed as kept thrusting into Roger. “To have me inside you? I need to…I need to know…”

Roger put a hand on Dan’s cheek, then ran it back through his hair. “So good. So goddamn good, baby.”

Dan pushed Roger’s legs a little farther apart so he could his cock disappearing and reappearing with each push and pull. When Dan changed his angle a little, Roger let out a loud, unexpected moan. 

“Right there, Daniel. Oh, God.”

“Feels good, doesn’t it?”

Roger nodded, and then cursed again as Dan aimed for that same spot again. He wished he had more practice at this. Mostly he’d only done this with women, and it was different—how he made them come—and he wanted Roger to feel what he was feeling right now. Just how goddamn thankful Dan was to have Roger in his life. 

Dan wanted to make up for all times he’d only been partway there when Roger fucked him, but soon enough it felt too good, too hot, to think about anything at all. It was just the fierce way they moved against each other, with each other, for each other. Maybe Dan had finally left the part of himself that couldn’t love Roger right behind in Phil’s house, in Phil’s mouth, or maybe just in those broken mugs on the kitchen floor.

Roger wrapped a hand around his cock, and Dan joined him.  Their hands sliding on throbbing, hot skin sounded wet and slick. Dan couldn’t help the gruff grunts as his thrusts grew harder and deeper. Roger was pushing back against him and Dan dropped his hand away so Roger could finish just the way he needed to, fast and hard, and he came all over his chest and up onto his lips.

“Roger, oh God, Roger!” Dan shouted, almost in a state of shock, as he came in a dizzying rush, balls deep inside his boyfriend.

Dan pulled out and collapsed on top of him, gasping for air, needing Roger to hold him again. He scooted down a little and buried his face Roger’s chest. He got a little come on his cheek but he was too wiped out to care.

“That is not how I saw this day ending this morning.” Roger laughed.

You have no idea, Dan thought as he caught a glimpse the antique clock on the far wall. “It’s 2 am. It’s technically tomorrow.”

“Huh,” Roger said. “I guess you’re right. Hell of a way to start the day then.”

And somehow—very unexpectedly—Dan felt just as much like he was at the start of something, as he felt like he was at the end of something else. 

Chapter 19

Phil knocked on an old black front door. On it, a wreath hung above a brass knocker that looked homemade by June’s mum with its burlap ribbon and rich autumn-colored leaves.

After a few moments, the door opened. Phil didn’t recognize the person standing inside. He was quite a bit shorter than Phil, but maybe a little broader. He had a short, dark beard covering half of his face.

Phil blinked. “Uh, who are you?”

The man tilted his head. “I could ask you the same question.”

“I’m Phil,” he said, a bit stupidly. He knew he had the right house, but he didn’t know why he expected this stranger to know him. 

“Phil? Oh Phil.” Recognition appeared on the man’s face. “Come in. I’m Nathan. I’ve heard so much about you.”

“You have?” Phil slowly took a step inside. Nathan. the name sounded vaguely familiar, but nothing Phil could really place. 

“Well, your kids talk about you a lot,” Nathan said. “And June too.” 

“I’m sorry I don’t—”

“That’s okay. June and I were friends growing up. Neighbors, actually. I moved back to my parents’ home after they passed.”

“Sorry to hear that,” Phil said automatically, as his other thoughts were slowly slotting into place. “Nathan…you know, June has mentioned you, I think.” She had. She’d told him plenty of stories of the two of them growing up here. Phil probably should have connected the dots quicker, but it was hard to reconcile the gangly teenage boy who lived in June’s stories, with this flesh-and-blood man in front of him, with his slightly-grey beard and wrinkles around his eyes. 

“I’m glad she has,” Nathan said. “I don’t think I have a story worth telling from high school that doesn’t start with June and I.”

Phil put on a smile. “Is she here?” They were still just awkwardly standing inside the front door. 

“They’re in the kitchen, I think. Shirley made muffins.”

Shirley—June’s mom. It was funny, Phil thought, how much he thought of her only as June’s mum and not as Shirley. He’d spent most of the last ten years going out of his way to avoid calling her much of anything. It helped though that because of Teddy and Rosalie, he could just call her grandma.

June’s parents’ house hadn’t changed much since June was a kid—Phil could tell from old pictures. Most of the furniture was the same, and kept in the same arrangements in the same places. They repainted over the years, but he knew June’s dad went out of his way to find the exact same color every time—country white. It was basically white, but like less good at being white.

Phil felt strange following Nathan through his own in-laws’ house to the kitchen where his wife was stood by the stove talking to her mum as the kids ate muffins at the table. 

“Daddy!” Rosalie was the first to notice Phil was there. She bolted out of her chair and ran in Phil’s arms. He scooped her up and squeezed her to his chest.

“Dad?” Teddy’s voice was quieter, smaller. 

“Phil?” June’s eyes were wide. “What are you doing here?”

That wasn’t exactly the response he’d expected. She’d asked him to come. That said, he had turned her down.

“I missed you guys.” Phil put on another smile. “I hope it’s okay I came.”

“Of course it is, Phil,” Shirley said. “It’s been too long.” 

“It has. It’s good to see you again,” Phil said. He was pretty good at repeating the scripts of politeness, even when he didn’t feel like it. It certainly wasn’t Shirley’s fault Phil was a jumble of emotions and pain right now.

“I really didn’t expect you,” June said, sounding a bit bewildered.

“I wanted to surprise you.” He wanted to come here like he should have in the first place, like a husband does, rather than staying where his heart was when it shouldn’t have been there at all.

Suddenly, Phil remembered Nathan was standing off to the side, just sort of watching, and he felt invaded, even though it was completely unfair. Phil walked over to June and kissed her on the mouth. She responded, but not immediately and a little stiffly. It made his nerves notch up a bit, which was ridiculous, they did have an audience right now, though it wasn’t like he’d stuck his tongue in her mouth. 

“I should’ve come when you invited me,” Phil whispered close to her.

“It’s okay,” June said. “I mean, you’re here now.”

Phil put a hand on her cheek, not caring about what other people had to say about it. “I am.” He dropped his hand away. “Now, how can I help?”

“Thanks for having me over for breakfast,” Nathan said. “But I better be going.”

June said, “You don’t have to—”

“Oh, I know. I know. I’ve got some errands to run though.”

Phil wasn’t really listening, but Nathan said a few more words to June and Shirley and the kids and then he was off. A weird silence settled over the kitchen, and Phil filled the empty space by saying a few words to Teddy, who answered a bit shortly, but that was pretty typical for him. After that, Phil cleaned up the dishes from breakfast, vacuumed the stairs and played hide-and-seek with the kids, all without being asked. He “helped” his father-in-law—Gary—fix a leaky sink by handing him the tools he needed as his head was under the plumbing. 

“Gary,” Phil said, which got the man’s attention as Phil never called him by his name. “I was wondering if you’d mind watching the kids a bit after I put them to bed. I’d really love to take June out for a nice dinner. It’s been a long time since we’ve been able to get out like that.”

They’d had chances. Phil could have always asked Dan or Roger to watch the kids, but he never did—or at least, he hadn’t in a very long time. But he wanted to now, he needed to.

Gary tucked out from under the sink and looked up at him. “I think that’s a good idea, son,” he said. “Why don’t you get a hotel room too? Make it a whole surprise night. June’s been working so hard around here taking care of us. It’ll be good for her.”

“Thank you,” Phil said. “I really appreciate it.”

Gary moved back under the sink. “Socket wrench, please.”

 

June was a little confused or surprised maybe about Phil’s proposition to go out to dinner. She was reluctant at first because she didn’t want to leave her parents with too much to handle, but Phil reassured her they’d go after the kids were asleep—and he kept the plan for a hotel room a secret, but usually once June got out, she relaxed about whatever was nervously keeping her  put in the first place. 

They drove a little closer to the city where Phil had found a nice restaurant that would let them in without a reservation. It was a small Italian place—June’s favorite kind of food when she wasn’t concerned about nutritional value. She was wearing a black dress. She rarely wore dresses and, that night, she looked beautiful in a way that Phil hadn’t thought about in a while. June always looked, even through her weariness, thoughtful—like she processed everything through one more layer of reasoning before she decided on what it meant.

They were sat at a small table by a window, and Phil could feel the slight edge of nighttime coolness through the glass. They ordered wine and a calamari appetizer and made normal small talk. It felt okay, but Phil needed more than okay because okay was their whole problem. He’d stopped trying for better than okay. All he needed to do was put in some effort, and he could fix this. He could fix everything.

So Phil thought about something important—a big idea he’d been thinking about lately—and said it aloud.

“Do you ever think about how every little decision we make influences a million other little decisions?”

June raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“I mean like how I got that camera in a cereal box and I owe my career to it? Or how I saw a sign on a street lamp and ended up at your dental office? Or—“

“I think everyone thinks about that. How everything is so fragile.”

That’s what Phil meant about June putting things through that extra layer of analysis. He was thinking about coincidence and luck, about how neat it was that one thing led to another and built into something else. He wasn’t thinking about the fragility of our own realities, but June was.

“You don’t think that if something is meant to be, then it will?”

She looked up from her wine glass. “Plenty of things that never should have happened happen. Stands to reason, I think, that the opposite would be true.”

“You don’t think that life just…finds a way?”

“I think life has always taken an enormous amount of force to push it in one way or another.” June laughed. “Why are we turning dinner into like an undergrad philosophy discussion?”

“Because you’re smart and I like to hear your thoughts on things.”

June gave him a weird look, and he wasn’t sure what to take from it. “Do you?”

“I know I haven’t always shown it, and I’m sorry, but it’s true. I’ve always been…fascinated by you, by the way you think.”

She laughed. “We haven’t talked about anything more complex than an HOA meeting in God knows how long.”

“Exactly.”

June shook her head. “You’re really weird, Lester.”

“So I’ve been told.”

The waiter showed up and took the rest of their order and Phil tried his best to remember the kinds of things June would talk about early in their relationship—their friendship—when she wasn’t a dentist or in dental school. When she was pursuing qualifications in philosophy against the wishes of her parents. When she’d talk animatedly about Descartes and Kant and Jean-Paul Sartre. When Phil was still sleeping on the gaming room futon, while a pretty girl with big thoughts who was carrying his child had stacked his old room with dusty old textbooks. He remembered those things and tried to coax the conversation out of her, to reignite that spark he’d seen ten years ago—that insatiable desire to understand. And it was working, Phil thought. June was talking and Phil was listening, really listening to what she had to say, and asking the best questions he could manage. He told himself that it felt like it did before, but maybe, in honesty, it felt more like watching an old home movie.

They ordered dessert and shared it, and their conversation was as warm and pleasant as the small piece of chocolate cake. 

Phil paid the bill and then asked June, “Would you like to go for a walk?”

June agreed, and unlike when they were still at her parents’ house, she didn’t hesitate. Phil helped her into her coat before they stepped outside and after a few steps, he took the time to hold her hand. It felt fine but nothing remarkable. Normally, he wouldn’t have noticed, but there was a sense memory there that shouldn’t have been—that Phil should have never let exist. That feeling of Dan’s hand on his in the car and at the movie theatre. It wasn’t like this at all—it had been electric, flammable—but there were logical reasons for that, right? Scientific reasons that a hand he’d never really let himself hold would make him feel differently than a hand he’d been holding for a decade. It was ludicrous, self destructive, wasn’t it? To hurtle yourself into the path of a wildfire?

Dan’s not a wildfire, an unwelcome voice spoke in the back of his mind. He’s just Dan.

Just Dan. There was no more dangerous a thought than that for Phil Lester.

“I got us a hotel room,” Phil blurted.

June stopped walking. “You did? Why?”

“I thought we needed a night, together, alone.”

“What about the kids?”

“Your dad was more than happy to watch them.”

“That’s…thoughtful of you,” she said, that hesitation in her voice again. Phil didn’t like the sound of it.

There was a small, but nice three story stone building walking distance from the restaurant. It was settled at the far end of a dimly lit street, and had a lovely red door and hearth in the lobby. Phil checked in, while June warmed herself by the crackle of a small fire. He watched her closely as he walked back over to her. Her face was shadowed by the changing light, and he could see the lines that  had formed around her lips and drawn themselves across her forehead. They were barely noticeable and certainly didn’t detract from her beauty, if anything, they added to it, but they hadn’t been there ten years ago. And neither had the grey in Phil’s hair or the bit of arthritis in his thumb he overused browsing on his phone. They had changed, and they would keep changing, a piece at a time. It reminded Phil of something June had once told him about a ship—not a real ship—but an idea of a ship—the ship of Theseus, if he remembered correctly. It was a philosophical thought experiment, a paradox. If pieces of a ship were replaced plank by plank as it moved across the water, until every piece was different, would that ship be a completely different ship by the time it reached shore or would it be the same, even though none of the pieces were the same? Was something just the sum of its parts or was it something more than that? Usually, maybe, but not always. 

The frustrating thing about it, if you asked Phil, or the fascinating thing about it, if you asked June, was that Theseus’s Paradox wasn’t just that it didn’t have a right or wrong answer. The frustrating thing was that it didn’t have an answer at all. 

“Ready?” June asked, breaking Phil from his thoughts.

He nodded. “We’re on the second floor.”

She smiled at Phil, but he was still paying more attention to the lines it created on her skin. He had the strongest urge to trace them with his fingers, to see where they lead even though it made no sense.

They went up to the room. It was small, like the little hotel itself, but cozy and distinctly English in a way that even Phil noticed, almost like something out of Harry Potter—but that might have just been the subtle red and gold motif. June slipped out of her heels and left them by the door. She let her hair down too and it fell softly across her back. 

It wasn’t until that moment, when June looked back over her shoulder at Phil, that he realized what he’d done and where he was. He was in a hotel room—just him and his wife, after a romantic dinner and a romantic walk. They were definitely supposed to have sex right now, and he knew it.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Phil said and darted for the nearest door. He went inside and shut it behind him. He took a few deep breaths as he paced the tile floor. Phil turned on the faucet and splashed lukewarm water on his face. 

It’s okay. Everything’s fine. 

Sex had been what Phil intended, hadn’t it? It was something they hadn’t done in a while—months maybe—he could definitely count on one hand the number of times they’d had sex this last year. But that was the point, wasn’t it? Rekindling a spark that had been there before because it had been there, in its way. He’d married June because she was carrying his child, but he'd also been attracted to her and he liked her. And, most importantly, he’d made a choice and now he had to actually live with it, instead of hide from it like he’d been doing more and more over the past few years. He had a responsibility.

Phil turned off the faucet and walked out of the bathroom. He walked over to June and touched her shoulder. She turned back to him and he pushed her hair over her shoulder. He gave her a small smile and then dipped down to kiss her mouth. She kissed back, and she let him in when he pressed his tongue against her lips. 

It started out just gentle kissing—nothing too heated—and it reminded Phil of the first time he’d kissed her. It was their second date and he’d dropped her off at her apartment. He’d kissed her on the welcome mat. Her mouth had tasted like strawberry chapstick, and it hadn’t lasted more than a few seconds. Tonight, her kiss tasted like wine and the basil from her pesto. 

When Phil pulled away for breath, he kept his mouth close to hers. He knew he should be pushing this further, faster, but he found himself talking with words again instead of with his hands.

“Do you remember that ship you told me about?”

June looked at him like he was crazy.

“It was a philosophy thing.”

“Theseus’s ship?”

“Yeah.” Phil traced his fingers over June’s collarbone. They felt the same.

“Why?”

“Do you ever feel like that? Like all the pieces of yourself have been replaced and you’re not even sure if you’re you anymore?”

“You’re not a ship, Phil.”

It wasn’t the answer he had expected from her, and she kissed him again without any further explanation. Phil knew he needed to pick up the pace, needed to move his hands from her hair and her neck, so he slid his hand down until he was cupping one of her breasts. Her eyes were open, fixed somewhere behind Phil. And he thought about the feeling of her dress, how the fabric was a little scratchy under his palm. 

He kissed at her neck. She didn’t lean into it, but she didn’t pull away either and her hands were tight on his waist, holding him in place. Her touch slowly slid, moving below the buckle of his belt. June pressed the palm of her hand against his fly, rubbing at his soft dick.

The initial physical sensation was nice, a little arousing, but then he was hit with a thought. Would June even be touching him if he she knew the truth? If she knew Dan’s tongue had been warm in Phil’s mouth, that Phil had felt the shape of Dan’s cock against his own? How far would they have gone, if they hadn’t been interrupted by shattering glass? 

June was still rubbing his flaccid dick through his trousers.

Phil had to get his mind elsewhere, away from the guilt. He thought of the first time he’d had sex with June. The mad, happy fumbling in her tiny studio apartment her parents were paying for. The way they’d clashed teeth when they kissed and laughed when they bumped knees as they struggled to get their clothes off. He remembered the way she’d looked when he’d stripped off her sweater when she’d unhooked her bra and Phil had seen her breasts. He’d been almost scared to touch them. 

Phil spun June around gently and unzipped her dress. He helped her shimmy out of it, leaving her in her black bra underwear. Just like that first time, June unlatched her bra and let it fall away. Then, she turned to face him.

Her breasts were bigger now—never having gone back to their original size after pregnancy.  They were lovely but different, and Phil was thinking about metaphorical ships again. He reached out to hold them both in his hands, he ran soft thumbs over her nipples. June bit at her bottom lip as she let Phil touch her for awhile. 

Eventually, June reached for Phil’s trousers and Phil got nervous again. She unlatched his belt, then tugged down his zipper. She dropped to her knees, and pulled his still soft cock out of his pants. Phil’s throat tightened. What was wrong with him? Was he getting that old?

You were hard as a fucking rock with Dan, his mind unfairly supplied. 

“Are you okay?” June asked, softly.

Phil nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

She wrapped her hand around Phil’s cock. “Is this okay?”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

June started to stroke him, and it felt the way it was supposed to feel. But Phil was one of those people that usually needed to have his mind in the right place to become aroused, and this time, his mind was just not catching up with what was happening to his body. He was still thinking about ships and ships and Dan. 

June licked her lips and then leaned in to take Phil’s dick into her mouth. She sucked on it a few times and the sensation was enough to jar Phil from his thoughts momentarily, for a little bit of extra blood to fill his dick. He felt himself grow, if only a little, on his wife’s tongue. Phil looked down at her, and was hit by a thought so strong, it nearly knocked him off his feet. 

Dan on his knees, his mouth full of Phil’s cock.

But it wasn’t a thought. It was a goddamn memory. 

One he’d buried so deep, he’d nearly forgotten it was even there at all. What other choice had he had?

He pushed June back a little, and looked down at his wet, flaccid cock. She was looking down at it too, but he quickly pulled her to her feet and kissed her mouth. It was a hard kiss but strangely shallow.

“We don’t have to,” June said as soon as Phil gave her room to speak.

“Want to,” Phil said, kissing at her neck, her ear. “Please.” He guided her back on the bed, kissed up her thighs and hooked his fingers around the waistband of her underwear. He tugged them down and off.

She spread her legs for him. He moved between them and put his mouth on her. Phil had done this many times before—they both liked it. He’d done it the first time they’d slept together when she was first living with them in London. She squirmed happily, and made soft little noises as he licked around her and into her and teased her clit with the tip of his tongue. He did his best now, to make her feel good and though she was quiet and looking away from him, her hand was at least in his hair, tugging him in closer. 

He kissed up her body again and wrapped his mouth around her nipples. She hissed when he sucked on them.

“Did that hurt?” Phil asked.

“Sorry. They’re just sensitive today.” She gave him a small smile as she started unbuttoning Phil’s shirt. He shrugged out of it, and then kicked off his pants. He left his socks on. He usually left his socks on. 

Phil kissed her mouth again, pushing his tongue into her mouth as he held himself over her. He was focusing on her kiss, thinking of the first time and the second time and the good times they’d had over the years. Those moments when it had felt good and right. It didn’t feel like that now. It didn’t feel wrong either. It didn’t feel like anything at all.

But at least, Phil was half-hard now. 

“Fuck me,” she whispered against his ear.

Phil’s throat tightened. This is what he’d come here to do, what he wanted to do or what he wanted to want to do—and what was the difference really? He just had to get his body to cooperate.

He reached down and jerked himself a few times, quick and fast and utilitarian. Just enough to edge his body right over that line. He rubbed the tip of his cock over her clit and then slid down to push inside. 

He felt himself slip into the warmth and it immediately brought him back to the first time they’d had sex. It had been fun and good and June was exactly the kind of girl teenage Phil had pictured ending up with. But, he’d never called June again after that. He didn’t speak to her again, not until the day she showed up on his doorstep with a positive pregnancy test.

Phil went limp again. He tried thrusting, but it didn’t help.

“Are you…in?” June asked.

The question almost made Phil want to laugh. Of course, he wasn’t in. Phil wasn’t small when he was hard and she knew it. She’d feel it. But how the hell else do you ask the question? How do you say ‘can you even get it up’ without saying it?

“No…it’s…give me a sec.”

Phil stroked himself a few more times, trying to get hard again. It only sort of worked, but he was desperate enough to use his fingers to try and work his way back in her again. It was ridiculous and pointless.

Think about Dan.

It would work, wouldn’t it? To imagine Dan with his legs spread for Phil, to close his eyes and imagine Dan’s soft, broad body, to think of the smell of him, the taste of him? To remember how it had felt to be trapped between Dan and the wall, to feel Dan’s hard cock against his hip?

It would work, but he couldn’t do that. He just couldn’t. 

Phil, idiotically, tried one more time to get his limp dick inside his wife, and it was enough to make her push him away.

“Okay, stop. Just stop.”

“I’m sorry,” Phil said.

“It’s happens.” June turned away from him and started working her way under the covers. She sighed. “Can you give me my knickers please?”

“Yeah…uh, sure.” He grabbed them off the hotel floor and passed them to her. 

June worked them on under the covers, pointedly not looking at him.

“I think I just had too much wine at dinner.” He’d had a glass. A single glass.

“Yeah, that’s probably it,” June said. He could tell she didn’t believe it. 

Phil felt sick to his stomach as he pulled on his own boxer-briefs. “I’m so sorry, June. I can touch you if you want. Or you can touch yourself? I don’t want you to—“

She let out a cold, quiet laugh, like something she didn’t even really mean Phil to hear. “I’m fine. It doesn’t matter. Let’s just watch some television.”

Phil crawled stiff into bed beside June. There wasn’t anywhere else for him to go, and it would seem stranger if he just sat on the desk chair all night. 

June turned on the television and flipped channels until she settled on some late night show. It was droning on and Phil couldn’t focus on it at all. He was thinking again about Theseus’s ship, about the other version of the story where Theseus’s ship was in a museum and every night, thieves would sneak inside and steal a single plank off the ship and replace it with a fake, eventually they’d taken every piece of the original ship and left behind a fake. In practice, it was the same as the first ship, the one traveling across the water, but now no one would argue that the ship is the same, that it’s not a fake

That was what his marriage had become, hadn’t it? A forgery of what it was supposed to be. Was Dan just like the thief that had come to take the real planks and switch them out with planks, until their was nothing left of Theseus’s ship? Had Phil just stood by and let him do it until this—this cardboard cut-out of a marriage—was all that was left? 

Chapter 20

Notes:

quick warning: there's some emotional abuse in this chapter. it's not between roger and dan (or phil or june or anything like that) but it's a little intense so i wanted to let you know

Dan stood naked by the window, looking over the rolling hills that stretched out behind the house. The grass had started to gently brown, and the leaves turn a soft burnt gold. It was a little overwhelming to think that Roger owned all the land as far as Dan could see.

As if his thought had summoned him, Roger walked up behind Dan and pressed his fully dressed body to Dan’s back. He wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and nuzzled his nose against his neck. Dan breathed out, leaning into the touch. It was such a good and solid touch.

“Why are you dressed?” Dan murmured. “Where are you going? Don’t want you to go.”

Roger ran his knuckles over Dan’s belly button. “I don’t want to go either. God, these last couple weeks have been…” his voice trailed off like there weren’t words for what these last couple weeks had been. Dan understood. He didn’t really have words for it either.

“I know.” Dan turned around in Roger’s arms and kissed him. “I love you.”

Roger kissed his nose and then his mouth again. “Love you too.” He groaned. “God, you look so damn delicious.”

Dan wrapped his hand around Roger’s tie. “Then stay and eat.”

Roger gave him a weird look. It made Dan laugh.

“Delet that. Delet me.”

“I want to stay. I really do, but we’ve literally disappeared for the better part of a month. And ‘mother’ is in crisis.” 

Dan snorted. “Oh no. Go save the day.”

Roger laughed. 

Dan didn’t really want to stay here by himself. Alone. With his thoughts. Roger was right. They had disappeared for weeks. Dan hadn’t touched YouTube or social media. He had no idea if Phil had attempted to explain his absence at all. They had a few gaming vids backed up, but he didn’t know if Phil had been uploading them. There was no Halloween baking, no spooky week. Dan had no idea if he’d ever uploaded the autumn day in the life video. For the first tine, Dan just literally didn’t care. He didn’t know what getting over it looked like, didn’t know if Dan and Phil could ever be Dan and Phil again, even professionally. And, the reality was, Dan didn’t need it anymore. He could have Roger and this house and these vineyards and this life. It had always been available to him, and maybe now was the time to finally accept that invitation. 

“Could I come with you?” Dan asked, a little quietly.

Roger’s eyes widened. “Really?”

“If you don’t want me to, I get it, but maybe I could help…I don’t know.”

Roger smiled. “I’d love for you to come. Of course, I would. You’ve just never, but I’d love for you to.” He nudged Dan. “But you’ll have to get dressed.”

“You mean your mum wouldn’t appreciate me in my full glory.”

“Let’s try for quarter glory.”

Dan tsk-ed. “Her loss.” Dan started to walk toward the wardrobe that was full of all the new clothes Roger had bought him. 

Roger slapped his ass. “Yeah, it is.”

Dan gave Roger a cheeky look, then laughed. “So, what’s the crisis?” Dan asked, as he started to get dressed. “And what’s the dress code for the crisis?”

“Mum’s throwing a charity gala tonight and the decorators quit, so she’s left with everything she paid for and no one to put it all together. And, the dress code is business formal.”

Dan threw on jeans and a blue sweater.

“Uh…Dan?” Roger eyed him.

“I’ll bring a suit. You should change. We have work to do, don’t we?”

“I was going to see who I can hire…”

“Finding people willing to work for your mum? On this short notice?”

“Hey.”

“Is that not why the other people quit?”

“Well…” Roger scratched at his head. “Good point.”

“Do you think we can…it’s a lot of work.“

“Does your mum have another choice?” Dan slipped on his shoes.

“Well, not really.”

“Then, it’s time to call in the B team.”

“More like the E team.”

“Speak for yourself. I’m an experienced last minute party decorator.”

Roger raised an eyebrow. “You are?”

“Oh yeah. I used to help with my Grandma’s church potlucks.” 

“This is absolutely the same thing.” 

Dan glared at him, then Roger reached out to pull Dan in and kiss him on the mouth. It was warm and soft—made Dan feel safe in the way that he was pretty sure he was starting to get addicted to. 

 

It was about a thirty minute drive in a Land Rover to Roger’s parents’. This house was about five times the size of the summer house. It was imposing, like a small castle. There were stables and several guest houses on the premises. It had a large circular front drive that led to the cascading fountain that stood in front of the entrance. That’s what it felt like to Dan, an entrance, not a front door.

He started to feel a little nervous. He was still the poor kid from Reading who drank watered down Ribena because it went further, and fell asleep to the sound of his parents arguing about which bills to pay the next room over. 

Roger took Dan’s hand and squeezed. His voice was low. “You’re better than all of them.”

Dan didn’t say anything, but he squeezed back. 

Roger parked the Land Rover, and they both climbed out. Their suits were hanging in wardrobe bags in the back. Roger had changed into something more appropriate to work in. The Ackerlys valet—they had a fucking valet—at their house came out and took the keys from Roger.

“Thanks, Steven. How are your classes going? You’re studying physics, right?” Roger said, handing the valet his keys.

“Yes, sir. It’s okay. A lot of revision. Finals are soon.”

“Well, good luck.” Roger pulled out his wallet and handed the kid what looked like fifty pound note.

“Thanks, Mr. Ackerly,” Steven said, holding the note. “You shouldn’t—“

“You earned it, and please call me Roger.” Roger cleared his throat. “Oh, and Steven, I don’t think you know my boyfriend, Daniel.”

They shook hands.

“Good to meet you,” Dan said.

“You too.”

“Alright, we have a crisis to solve. Wish us luck,” Roger said, before taking Dan’s hand and walking with him to the front door.

“He seemed nice,” Dan said.

Roger nodded. “Smart as hell, too, and he takes care of his little sister. Just turned nineteen.”

“Jesus.”

“Yeah.” Roger sighed, then opened the door.

They stepped inside the house, if you could even call it that. Mansion would definitely be more accurate. The ceiling of the foyer was high and home to a sparkling antique chandelier. The floors were a rich, dark wood, and the air smelled like fresh rosemary and vanilla. It was, as it had always been, too perfect—like a museum. Dan couldn’t imagine what it had been like growing up here. It was impossible to picture little Rosie or even Teddy in a place like this. It seemed built especially to repel children. Of all the things Roger had shared with him, very little had come from childhood, and it was too easy to imagine why.

“Thank God you’re here, Roger,” came a high, lilting voice as Lillian Ackerly rounded the corner.

Roger’s mum was perfectly put together, as usual. In designer clothes, in understated but ridiculously expensive accessories. It was the kind of rich that wasn’t garish because it didn’t have anything to prove. She was born rich and she’d die that way. It made Dan dig his nails into the palm of his hand.

She blinked. “Hello Daniel…I didn’t expect you.”

“Hi, Lillian. I was hoping I could help out.”

“Do you know some decorators who are available for work at the last minute?”

“No—“

“Then, how on earth can you help?” her voice pitched higher. 

Dan fought against the urge to just shut down like he normally did around Roger’s mum.

“It’s fine. We’ll just do it ourselves,” Dan said.

Lillian’s eyes widened. “Are you drunk?” She turned toward Roger. “Is he drunk?”

“No, Mum. You’ve got all the decorations and tables and the like. We’ll all just pitch in and set it up by tonight.”

“Pitch in?” she said skeptically.

Roger gave her a flat look. “Yes, Mum.”

Lillian looked at Dan disapprovingly, but Dan just brushed it off. “Fine. Whatever. But this is going to be an absolute disaster. I should just cancel the whole thing.” She spun on her heel and marched away from them.

Roger gave Dan an apologetic look, and Dan just mouthed “it’s okay”. It really was okay. Lillian was annoying, but an annoying mother-in-law was a small price to pay for this man that loved him so well and so completely. Roger threaded his fingers with Dan and squeezed. Dan squeezed back.

He followed Roger into the main part of the house, which was filled with tables and chairs and assorted white and silver decor. It was pretty overwhelming.

Dan leaned over and whispered in Roger’s ear. “Yikes, maybe I spoke to soon.”

“Right.” He grimaced. “Oh, God.”

It took a few moments to get everything processed and talked out, but eventually they decided on asking a few of the maids—they had about four—to help out for extra pay. Even though Lillian wanted to, Roger was the one to go ask because he wanted to make sure the girls knew it was perfectly optional and that they’d be compensated well. Dan overheard their conversation and was once again surprised—though maybe he shouldn’t have been—that Roger knew them, as people, like he’d known Steven the valet. It was world’s away from the harsh and short treatment he’d always seen Lillian give them. She seemed to exercise a dictatorial control over her staff. The times Dan had seen her interacting with them she’d been harsh and controlling in a way that was almost comically excessive. He wasn’t exactly in the mood to see her act like that today, but maybe he and Roger could provide some kind of buffer to her behavior. Besides, he wasn’t here because he was in the mood to be here. He was here because he wanted to help, he was going to help, whether he felt like it or not. Like Roger always did for him—and like Dan had always done for Phil.

So that’s what they did—for hours they organized all the tables and put up the expensive decor all under Lillian’s impatient and strained direction. Every time Dan would want to snap at her or even just storm away—and there were times—he just looked over at Roger and thought of all the times he’d been there for Dan. He wasn’t doing this for his shrill mother-in-law who seemed to think about nothing besides the orders she could shout and the way she and her home and everything else would look for the people she called her friends, but weren’t really her friends. Dan knew what friendship was and the one thing it should never have to do was pretend or impress. 

By the time, they’d gotten most of the decor up, Dan was exhausted and aching. They’d barely stopped to eat. Roger had ordered a pizza, even though Lillian had seemed utterly offended at the idea of delivery food, and they had all shoved down greasy pepperoni and cheese as they continued to work. Even Lillian had eaten a slice.

The maids—Jenny, Karen, Zoey and Hannah—Dan tried to remember because Roger did and because they seemed nice and clever and he’d probably end up friends with them if he started spending time around here, which he planned to do. He hadn’t in the past and so he’d never really had the opportunity to see Roger when he was working. He was nothing like his mother in terms of how he treated them, and the more Dan talked to the girls, the more he realized that they were also smart people from difficult circumstances, just like Steven. 

“Does your mom hire the staff?” Dan asked as he and Roger were spreading a tablecloth over one of the rented tables.

“No. I do,” Roger replied as he straightened out a wrinkle in the job. “Why?”

Dan just gave him a small smile. “Well, you do a good job.”

They were in the middle of hanging something on the wall, when Roger’s dad barged into the living room. He wasn’t alone. There was a woman, who couldn’t have been any older than Dan, hanging on his arm. 

Dan had only seen Roger’s parents together maybe twice in five years, even though they were married. Edmund Ackerly always had somewhere better to be—and it was starting to make more sense. But here? He brought this other woman here. His wife was standing no more than twenty feet away. 

Instinctively, Dan turned to her.

Lillian had gone pale, and she seemed to be somehow shrinking, like she just wanted to disappear. Not that Dan could blame her. This had to be a damn shock. He couldn’t even imagine.

Dan hadn’t  looked in Roger’s direction yet because he was waiting, waiting for Lillian to snap the way he expected her to. This was the woman who once threw her entire laptop in the trash because a website had too many pop-up ads, but she just stood there silently shrinking and shrinking.

Edmund eyed Dan. “Well, you’re the last person I expected to see here.”

Dan didn’t even know how to respond. “I wanted to help,” he finally managed.

With Lillian standing right there, Edmund wrapped his arms around the young woman’s waist and he kissed her neck. This time when Lillian didn’t respond, Dan looked to Roger, who just hand his hands tucked in his pockets, his eyes turned down and cast away from the scene.

Dan knew he didn’t know Edmund Ackerly very well. They’d probably said no more than a handful of words to each other over the years, and he’d always seemed like a rich bastard. But this? Dan didn’t know about this. Why hadn’t Roger ever said anything? 

“Lillian,” Edmund said. “Can you get our guest a drink?” He tucked the young woman’s blonde hair away from her neck. “What do you want, baby?”

“Um, wine spritzer,” the woman said.

Lillian didn’t respond or move.

“Don’t be rude, Lillian.”

She nodded a little unsteadily and pivoted toward the kitchen. He could see her bracelet shaking on her wrist. Roger wasn’t saying anything but his hands were balled into tight fists and he could see his chest moving sharply. 

Dan put a hand on Lillian’s arm and stopped her from moving. 

“I’ll get it,” Dan said.

“What was that?” Edmund shot Dan a look.

Dan was a lot of things. He was awkward and easily stressed. He fumbled all over himself a lot of the time, but he never suffered assholes. 

He stood up straighter and looked Edmund in the eye. “I said I’ll fucking get it.” Dan turned back toward Lillian and Roger, and started walking toward the kitchen.

There’s some stuff out there that needs to be finished. We’re running short on time,” Dan faintly heard Roger say. “Come on, Mum.”

Rage grew in Dan’s gut as made the girl’s fucking drink just to get Edmund off Lillian’s back, and he stormed back up to them. He slammed the wine spritzer into the girl’s hand.

“Thanks, sweetie,” she said.

“Oi, the both of you can go fuck yourselves,” Dan said. It was the last thing he said too before storming out to find Roger. He didn’t wait for Edmund’s reaction.

He stepped through the french doors onto the patio to find Lillian’s voice cracking as she shouted how something with the table was wrong, all wrong. She grabbed a glass vase and threw it hard against the wall. 

“Get one of the girls to clean that up,” Lillian said to Roger, her gaze turning to Dan. “What are you looking at?”

“Mum…” Roger said, his voice a near whisper.

Lillian just let out a huff, then finished a silver cigarette case of her pocket before walking off toward the rose garden. 

“Roj—”

“Sorry you had to see that.” He knelt down by the table where the shattered glass was and began picking up the largest pieces with his hand and chucking them into a nearby bin.

“Don’t worry about me,” Dan said as he walked over to help Roger with the mess. 

“He’s such a fucking piece of shit,” Roger said with a sniff.

“Do you want to talk about it? Because you can.”

“I can’t even think about it, Dan. And really—that’s who he is—what else is new?”

“That seemed kind of…next level, though.”

Roger let out a cold huff. “If only.”

Dan furrowed his brow and just looked across the shimmering broken glass at Roger. Roger lifted his hand, a soft smile on his face, and laid his palm against Dan’s cheek. 

“You’re so good, Daniel.”

And suddenly, Dan could feel Phil’s mouth on his again, could feel the wetness of his lips. It made him feel a little sick. 

“Please don’t say that. I’m not. I’m really not.”

“You are. I know you’re not perfect, Dan. But I don’t want perfect. I want good. I want you.”

Dan just stared at him for a moment, blinking then said, “Roger, I…I’m in love with you.” 

He said it because he meant it, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever meant it the way he was supposed to until right now. 

A big smile spread across Roger’s face. “You know what, Daniel?”

“What?”

Roger leaned in until his mouth was hovering right over Dan’s. “I kind of like you too,” he whispered. 

“Do you?” Dan kissed him quickly, lightly.

Roger kissed him back with force, with want, and Dan met him where he was. 

“We better stop or we’re never going to get all this done,” Roger said.

Dan buried his head into Roger’s neck. “Don’t wanna stop.”

Roger let out a small groan. He bit at Dan’s ear, which made him shiver. “Me either but we have to.”

“Not stopping,” Dan said, darkly. “Pausing.”

Roger turned Dan’s face back to his and kissed him on the forehead. “Pausing,” he said, and Dan felt Roger’s lips move against his skin as he spoke.

And that was it, they stood back up to finish decorating and getting ready for the charity gala that evening. Dan could only hope he did see much Roger’s father. The last thing Dan wanted to do was make a scene. Unfortunately, he wasn’t sure that would be enough to keep him from punching that man in the balls. 

 

Everything turned out surprisingly beautiful. Not perfect but beautiful. It was strange though, to think that these people with their fancy cars and endless reserves of money needed this, this silly pointless party, to consider sharing their wealth with the people who needed it more.

But this was Roger’s world sometimes and Dan could stomach a visit there when he needed to support him. Besides, Roger looked gorgeous tonight in a midnight blue suit with a matching tie and a crisp white shirt. Dan hoped he didn’t completely pale in comparison. He really liked this white suit though, even if it was a bitch to keep clean.

There was music and chatter and everything seemed to be going well, but Dan couldn’t help but notice Lillian with Edmund. Couldn’t help but notice the way she held on to his arm and smiled as if everything was fine, as if this was the one place in the world she had to be. Dan didn’t understand it at all, didn’t understand how she could stomach his presence at all, let alone touch him.

“Why does she do it?” Dan asked quietly.

“Hmm…”

“I’m sorry…your mum with your dad.”

Roger’s mouth stretched into a line. “I…I don’t know.” He sighed. “Come on, love. I have some people I’d like to introduce you to.”

Dan took Roger’s hand and followed him. He met government officials and a few of Roger’s very distant relatives. He met people who didn’t seem to do or be anyone to Dan, but they were just somehow rich, just somehow part of this same world like Roger was. And yet, Dan thought, Roger had chosen so little connection with this world, despite how well it seemed he fit here. His interactions didn’t feel awkward or forced. He was disarming and warm, and all the things Dan could only dream of being. 

Roger could maybe sense Dan’s apprehension because when they were away from the crowds getting a drink, Roger put a hand on Dan’s back and said, “You’re doing great, love. You know that right?”

“I’m not totally new to this you know.” He wasn’t. He did industry things when he worked for the BBC, and on and off, at events and for Google. Though he didn’t do those things alone often. He and Phil were historically an awkward team at those kinds of things. 

“I know. I know.” Roger glanced over his shoulder and then slid a hand over Dan’s ass and squeezed.

“Roger.”

“What?”

Dan pivoted toward him and grinned. “How long do we have to stay here?”

Roger tucked his hands in his pockets, then leaned in and whispered, “I want to go home too. You look incredible, but I can’t wait to take that suit off you…”

“I want you to leave yours on,” Dan whispered back, feeling a nervous, almost giddy energy. “So I can tug on your tie while I ride you.”

Roger wrapped his hand around Dan’s wrist and dragged him away from all the glittery people, from the sound of their voices and the weight of their gazes. He dragged Dan behind the pool house, put his hands on Dan’s hips under his suit jacket and backed him up against the mossy stone. 

Dan’s heart was pounding, thrumming all the way down to his fingertips. He was lightly buzzed on wine, and he felt surrounded by Roger, by the promise of this new life, this second chance, and he wanted to find a way to make these last few weeks last forever. 

Roger slid his hands over Dan’s shoulders and then up into his hair, tugging on the curls  at the top of his head. The motion stretched Dan’s neck tightly, exposing him. Roger dipped down, running his bottom lip slowly over the skin. It made Dan shudder as Roger dotted kisses under and along his chin. Dan chased after Roger’s mouth with own, but Roger wouldn’t give it to him. Instead, he kept running his lips and his hot breath over Dan’s cheeks and ears and even his eyelids. Everywhere but where Dan desperately craved it. Until, finally, finally, Roger covered Dan’s mouth with his own.

Dan immediately leaned into the kiss, craving more, faster. Hot and desperate and yet happy. As they kissed, Dan lifted his arms, balancing them on Roger’s shoulders as he slid hands into his hair. Roger wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist, puling him closer, lifting him a little into the air as they kissed.

Maybe they could sneak out of there or something…go home and take each other all to pieces. 

“Do you want me to leave?” Edmund’s unexpected voice jolted them out of the moment.

“What?” Lillian said, walking up behind him. She was reaching out for him.

“Because I don’t have to be here. I’m doing this for you.”

“I know,” she said, dropping her arms down and looking at her shoes. 

Dan wasn’t quite sure how to reconcile this woman, with the Lillian he knew. How could she managed to hold two such opposing selves inside her all the time?

“So what do you think you’re doing?” he asked.

“I’m not…I don’t. Please don’t go.” She was practically begging.

Dan felt Roger pull him in closer. 

“You’re not giving me a very good reason to stay, are you? I want to help you out. I really do, but you’re not making it easy for me.”

“Just stay, Ed. Please. They’re mostly your friends and you’ve been gone for weeks, and just don’t go. Please.”

“Dan,” Roger said weakly. Somehow Dan knew what he meant, knew that Roger had to get out of there.

“You don’t need to be here for this,” Dan said.

“Is someone out here?” Edmund suddenly called out sharply.

But Dan didn’t acknowledge him, he simply clung on Roger’s hand and led him away.

“Where are we going?” Roger asked, when they were on the other side of the party.

“Home.”

“We can’t. All those people…”

“Frankly, Roger. Fuck them.” 

They got their keys back from Steven and Dan remembered to give him an extra generous tip when pulled up with the Land Rover. 

“I’m driving,” Dan said.

“Okay. That’s fine,” Roger said.

They got in the car and drove away, leaving the lights and the music of the party they’d so carefully constructed behind them. 

Dan was driving down the two-lane road, adjusting the SUV’s aircon when Roger finally spoke up, “I can’t believe we just left like that.”

“I can.”

“Dan…”

“Baby, I’ll drive you back if you want, but I might have to kill your father, and I don’t even like your mum.”

Suddenly, Roger punched the dashboard. It made Dan jump. “Fuck. Shit. Fuck,” he said as he kept punching the dashboard. Dan didn’t say anything. He just let him get it all out. The only times Dan had seen Roger get truly angry was when he was mad at his dad, but it was never to him. It was always to Dan about his father, later.

Roger stopped and just breathed heavily. “Why the fuck didn’t I do anything? Why don’t I ever do anything? I could have said something. I could have…”

“It’s her choice, in the end, Roj. Not much you can do. Have you tried talking to her?”

“I used to…but it never mattered. I’m almost forty, Dan. It’s always been like this. As long as I can remember. Him being a heartless asshole and her just letting him be. I tried. I did. I really did, but she never listened to me. She’d get mad at me. Eventually, I gave up. I didn’t know what else to do.”

Fuck. Roger had never told him anything like that before. It hurt to think of Roger hurting that way. It wasn’t fair. 

Dan glanced over at Roger. “You deserved better than that. I’m so sorry.”

“He always wanted me to be like him, but I was soft. That’s what he always used to call me. I did everything I could to prove to him I wasn’t.  Though, I wasn’t an asshole like him. Couldn’t stomach it, but still I made as much money as I could—even if I was giving a lot of it away—I rowed crew and did bench presses and drank protein shakes until I looked like this. That’s all I did for years and then…”

“And then, what?”

Roger gave him the tiniest of smiles. “And then I met you, and realized that soft wasn’t an insult, it couldn’t possibly be an insult. Because you were soft.”

“Hey, I’m dark and edgy.”

“And soft. I noticed it the first time I saw you with Teddy. The way you’d speak so softly to him and look him in the eye and just that first time we were all together and he crawled into your lap and said he wanted to nap on your because you were warm. Even though we were eating dinner, you let him, and you spent the whole night trying not to drop Indian food in Teddy’s hair.”

Dan smiled. “I remember that.”

That memory felt so far away, and he was suddenly nostalgic for it. He wished he could get in a time machine and go back just a few months. To that last night they’d all spent together, just go back to that night and love Roger the way he loved him now. That life with this love. That’s what Dan wanted. But Dan wasn’t an idiot. There wasn’t any going back to the life they’d had before Dan had made the mistake of kissing Phil.

Roger pointed ahead to little dot of lights curving up the hill. “Dan, can you turn off the road here?” 

“Why?”

“Just…please.”

Dan hesitated, but stepped on his breaks and he did as he was told. They weren’t too far from the house and the little road they were on now was private, and lit faintly by streetlights. 

“Okay,” Dan said. “What are we doing?”

“Park the car. Just…I want to go for a walk.”

“You want to go for a walk? It’s eleven at night.”

“Please.”

Dan sighed, but Roger sounded really desperate, like he really needed this walk for some reason, so Dan obliged.

“Okay, okay.”

They got out of the Land Rover and began traipsing through the grass along the sides of the cobblestone road, holding hands. Every few meters, they stepped under the light of quaint street lamp.

“Why’s it so well lit out here?” Dan asked, even though what he really wanted to ask was why they were out there walking at all. 

“The Summer house is my father’s. It’s legally mine, but it was my father’s. He had it restored and filled with expensive antiques and honestly, it’s probably where he took some of his girlfriends. So it doesn’t have the best connotations for me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. You’ve helped fix that.” Roger kissed Dan on the temple. “In every room of the house."

Dan’s cheeks warmed. They really had fucked in every room of that house, including the garage. Multiple times. 

“So, when we were first talking about moving in together, I started building something. I didn’t tell you because I wanted it to be a surprise. And, then I realized you wanted to stay where you were.”

“Roger.”

“It was okay. I liked the idea, you know I did. A normal house  in a normal neighborhood. If anything it would piss off my parents. So I was happy to go along with it, but by that time, it was already built.”

Straight ahead was a beautiful modern home, like something Dan would have pointed out in a magazine. He’d only seen the outside so far, but it was absolutely perfect.

“Oh my God. I had no idea.” Dan dropped Roger’s hand in shocked as he stared at—there was no sense in denying it—his absolute dream home. It was grey and white with clean lines and floor to ceiling windows. 

Dan turned quickly to say something to Roger and, during the movement, hit his hand on something.

“Ow.” That wasn’t some thing. It was Roger. 

“Are you o—“ Dan started to say, but then the word died in his throat. The reason he’d accidentally hit Roger was because Roger was down on one knee.

Dan’s heart rocketed into his throat as he stared down at a simple narrow band of silver in a small velvet box. It was absolutely perfect. Fuck.

“I built this home for us a long time ago, and when I knew we weren’t going to be using it, I was disappointed, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because all that mattered was that I would get to be with you. We still don’t have to live here, but I just wanted you to know how long I’ve been wanting to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you, Dan.” Roger took a deep breath. “Will you marry me?”

Chapter 21

These had been the longest weeks of Phil’s life. He knew Dan was with Roger, but that was literally all he knew about what had happened. Other than that, Dan had gone radio silent. There was no trace of him across any social media. Unsure what else to do, Phil had been uploading the gaming videos and putting out some old saved tweets and hoping no one noticed. But their fans weren’t stupid. They noticed. 

His mentions were full of is dan okay?  or oh my god what’s going on? or where’s dan?. When Phil wasn’t replying, and Dan wasn’t replying some of the fans had taken to tweeting Roger, which they often did anyway, and Roger would sometimes indulge them. So, eventually, Roger replied to one of the tweets. We miss Dan. I hope he’s okay.

He’s fine, Roger had replied, Just taking a much needed break. Thanks. 

And that was it. That was all the phandom knew about Dan’s whereabouts and, for once, it was all Phil did too. June had only asked about where Dan was once. It was when they’d first come home from her parents. Apparently, June had texted him a few times and he hadn’t texted back, and Phil hadn’t mentioned him. At all. Which, in hindsight, he probably should have. Not mentioning him was suspicious, but Phil had never been cut out for lying.

For the most part, things had gone back to normal. Normal minus Dan, if such a thing was even possible. The only difference really was how aware of everything Phil was. For years, there had been a strange filmy shadow over his life, making everything duller and dimmer. He was there, but he wasn’t—like some kind of a hologram.

But he’d been crashing back to reality over these last few weeks. And now, he was there. Actually there. Like he hadn’t been before. 

When he played with the kids, his mind wasn’t in a far-off place. It was just there.

When he dropped them off at school, he didn’t sneak away without being seen. He talked to the teachers. He knew how the kids were doing in school and he offered to help with the school play.

When he was home, he made dinner—and had the kids help when they could, and they all sat around the table and talked, and Phil felt like he was finally becoming the father he’d always wanted to be and always should have been. He wasn’t checking out anymore. He wasn’t hiding.

And, with June, he wasn’t pretending anymore. He wasn’t pretending everything was just fine.

Something was very, very wrong between them, and he wasn’t sure if it had ever been right. Was pretty sure that this thing—whatever it was—with Dan had broken down anything he and June had had. Of course, they didn’t get the easiest start to their marriage regardless, but Phil had cared deeply for June, had been attracted to her, had grown to love her. Surely, that could be enough.

Still, he knew he wouldn’t be able to fix it with nothing but date nights and poorly-conceived getaways to hotels. They needed help. Actual help. When June got home from work today, he’d settle the kids in for a movie and then he was going to talk to her about seeing a marriage counselor. 

June came through the door an hour late. Her hair was slightly falling out of her bun, and she looked exhausted as she kicked her heels off at the door.

“Hey, you’re home,” Phil said.

She rubbed her face. “Yeah, sorry I’m late. I would’ve called but I was in the middle of a really nasty extraction.” She sighed, and looked up at Phil. “You ever been so sick of teeth and gums you could vomit?”

Phil smiled a little. “No…I can’t say have been.”

“Where are the kids?”

“Watching a movie and eating some popcorn.”

She gave him a look. “Popcorn before dinner?”

“They already ate dinner.”

“You ordered pizza?” she asked.

Phil wanted to be annoyed at June, but she was basically going off ten years of Phil’s behavior with her assumption so he really couldn’t blame her. “Stir fry, actually. Though Rosalie didn’t want to eat much so I ended up heating her up some of your chicken from the other night.”

“Oh, okay. Good. I’m going to go change,” she said.

“I’ll heat you up some stir fry, if you’d like.”

“Yeah, Phil. Thanks.”

When June came downstairs after changing into an oversized t-shirt and leggings, Phil handed her a warmed up bowl of stir fry, and she sat down at the table in the kitchen. 

She took a bite. “This is really good. I haven’t had your stir fry in years. We used to make it all the time at your old apartment. Remember?”

“Yeah because it’s all any of us knew how to cook.”

June gave him a small smile. “That American eighties cookbook Dan and I ironically bought a thrift store turned out to be a real game changer.”

“Don’t remind me of the dark years of tuna casserole,” Phil said.

“Shush, I eventually bought another cookbook.” 

There had been really good times over the years, especially after Teddy’s first birthday. June was recovering from her postpartum depression, and they were all starting to feel like themselves again. But it was never just Phil and June. It was always Phil and June and Dan. He was the third wheel that added balance. And it seemed like without him, they were wobbling all over the place. 

Phil took a deep breath as he decided to ask June what he’d been planning to ask her. “June…I think we should go to counseling.”

June swallowed the bite in her mouth. “Like marriage counseling.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you serious?”

Phil wasn’t sure how he thought she’d react, but this definitely wasn’t it. “Why not? We’re having trouble. You know we are. We need to work on it.”

“You want to work on it.”

Phil’s heart started beating really hard against his ribs. He didn’t have any idea where this was going. “…don’t you?”

“What do you think marriage counseling is going to solve, Phil? What do you think they’re going to tell us.”

“I don’t know…something.”

“Phil, I’m already exhausted with work, with the kids and the house. I don’t have time for—”

“Why are you so opposed to this idea?” Phil asked, an edge in his voice. “To working on our marriage?” She didn’t immediately reply and it gave him a moment for a thought, an awful thought, to worm its way into Phil’s mind and out his mouth. “Is it that guy at your parents’ house, Nathan? Are you… you and him?”

June just let out a sharp laugh. “Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me, Phil.”

“June—”

“Just because you’re in love with your best friend doesn’t mean everyone else is too.”

Phil’s heart dropped. Did she know? She couldn’t. He wasn’t…fuck. How much did she know?

“I’m…”

She just rubbed a hand over her face. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters,” he said, his voice low.

June looked up at Phil, her eyes were wet with tears. “Because of Teddy and Rosalie. Because of our family, Phil.”

“That’s why I want counseling. We can fix this, okay?”

“What if…”

“What if what, June?”

She looked right at him. Her eyes were wet, and the only way to describe how she looked was helpless. “I…I don’t know. What if I…” her voice trailed off again.

Phil thought that maybe he could finish her thought. “What if you don’t want to?”

She looked away from him. 

“How long have you been unhappy?” he asked.

“I don’t know. How long have you?”

He sighed. “I don’t know.”

June stared down at her half-eaten bowl of stir fry. “Can I ask you something? And will you please tell me the truth?”

Phil just nodded. What else was there at this point but the truth?

“Are you sleeping with Dan?”

“No, June. I’m not.” How was he here in his kitchen talking about this while his kids watched Inside Out in the other room? How was this his life? He didn’t want this to be his life? It wasn’t fair.

She shut her eyes and let out breath through her nose. “Have you ever slept with him?”

“No…not while me and you were together.” God. He didn’t want to talk about this.

“When? When you first met?”

Phil shut his eyes. “Do you really want to hear about this?”

“I think I need to.”

He let out a long breath. “We flirted when we first met, online you know. I know you hate the saying that someone was 'lead on’, but I definitely did that to Dan. He didn’t misread my intentions. I meant it the way he thought, but when it came down to it. He came to visit and everything was great. Then, he tried to kiss me and I just panicked and stopped him. I thought he’d be mad or leave, but he wasn’t and he didn’t. I could tell he was hurt and embarrassed, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to be my friend.”

“Why did you stop him from kissing you? I mean, you liked him, right?” June still wasn’t looking at Phil.

“I don’t know. I was a weird kid, June. And I always wanted to be normal. I wanted to not talk about Buffy so much that I scared girls away. Boys tricked me into smoking cigarettes and called me names, and I was always weird. And I just wanted to be normal. Like those boys. Like Martyn.”

“Being gay is normal. Or bisexual or whatever we’re talking about, Phil.”

“It’s not, though. And I don’t mean that it’s wrong, of course it’s not. I just mean that it isn’t all that common. And it’s…it shouldn’t, but people define you by it, narrow you down to it, and I just…I know it’s stupid, but I didn’t want that for my life. I wanted a wife and kids. What I saw as a normal life. I wanted to blend in.”

“And so you chose normal, you chose me, and then resented me for it? How’s that fair?”

“ You were pregnant with my child, what was I supposed to do?” 

“Take care of your kid, Phil. Be a part of his life, be his father. You didn’t have to marry me.”

“You made it kind of hard for me. You moved into my apartment. Into my room. You were right there. You were having my baby.”

“Don’t blame me. You offered—”

“Your parents cut you off, June! You lost your apartment.”

“They didn’t—“ she gritted her teeth together. June never talked about that. She loved her parents and she was close to them, but they were conservative and religious and angry she’d gotten pregnant outside of marriage. Angry enough to abandon her. June had never been able forgive them for it, to reconcile it with the people she loved so much, so when they got over it, she went on pretending it never happened. Her voice lowered. “Why did you disappear after we had sex? It was our third date and things were going well and we slept together and then you stopped answering my texts…I never understood why…did you not like it?”

“June, no. It wasn’t like that, but… I just…you’re not going to want to hear this.”

“I don’t really want to hear any of this, Phil. But I need to.”

Phil swallowed, his throat was tight. “It made me realize I wanted to be with…”

“A man?”

Maybe. He wasn’t really sure. He’d done everything he could not to think about it. “With Dan. I was still scared, but I tried.”

June remained silent for a really long time. “What did you do with him? Everything?”

“Why do you want to know that?”

“Please just tell me.”

Phil didn’t understand why she was asking and he felt a little bit uncomfortable with the request. He’d never spoken about it. He barely let himself think about it.

“I was uncomfortable with kissing…it felt…I don’t know. Final. We did it, sometimes, but it scared me. More than the other stuff. You really want to hear this?”

“Please.”

Phil kept his gaze on his hands. “W-we touched ourselves. Together. Near each other, I mean. That was the first thing. We did that for a while. And then, he touched me, and eventually, I touched him too. We never really talked about what it meant.”

“And that was it?” June asked tightly.

Phil hesitated, “He went down on me once.” Phil shut his eyes as the memory came back to him. The memory of Dan unbuttoning Phil’s jeans, rubbing his erection, then pulling it out and dropping to his knees. 

“And then…?”

“And then you showed up on our doorstep with a positive pregnancy test.”

“You could have told me, you know? That you were with him. I wouldn’t have been awful about it.”

Phil knew that now. He didn’t know that then. 

“No wonder Dan hated me so much,” June said. “I mean, I knew that he was into you. It took me a long time…too long…to realize it went both ways. But I had no idea you’d been together.”

“We weren’t really.”

“You know you were to him, right?”

Phil felt those words pierce between his ribs. “No wonder he hates me now.” How did he not before? 

Phil suddenly, painfully realized that it wasn’t Dan’s fault. It was his. It had been all along. Dan had always been ready to be with him. Dan wasn’t some thief stealing from Phil or some temptation, some bad habit. Phil had stolen from him in a way, and yet Dan had done nothing but give and give to Phil. Despite all of Phil’s bullshit. Dan had put their friendship first. 

“June, what are we going to do?”

A tear slipped out of her eye. “I can’t do it, Phil. I’ve thought about it. But I can’t. Teddy and Rosie…I can’t do this to them, but I’m so miserable, Phil. You don’t love me—not like that—and it hurts every single fucking day.”

“You don’t love me like that either, June. At least not for a really long time.”

“I know. I just…I want…”

“You want someone to love you like that?”

“And that’s so damn selfish. Because of Rosie and Teddy. This is their family and that’s what matters.”

“You matter too,” Phil said. And she did. And Dan did too. And so did Phil and Roger, and the kids, and all of them. They all mattered. “I should have fought for him. Dan. I should have always fought for him, and I never did. And I should have fought for you too. For you to have the kind of life you deserved. Instead of dragging you into my shit because I was scared and I liked you and didn’t want to lose you either.”

June was breaking—and she deserved happiness, deserved to find love, and Dan, even if Dan was done with him, even if there was nothing Phil could ever do to repair what he’d done, he had to let Dan know the truth. Had to show Dan what he’d give up for him, had to show Dan what he—what they—-were worth to Phil.

“I want a divorce,” Phil said. It was what June wanted too, and it would be hard to live with, but he’d shoulder that burden for her. He wouldn’t ask her to be the one to make that choice.

June looked up at him. “What?”

“I’m in love with Dan and I want to be with him and he deserves to know that, even if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. And you deserve…you deserve the damn world, June. All of it. Anything you want.”

“The kids…”

“Will be mad at me, not you. It’s my choice, June. There wouldn’t be anything you could do to stop me. I’ll make sure they understand that.”

“Phil…?”

“Yeah?”

“I kind of hate you, but this is also the most I’ve liked you in years.”

Phil brushed some hair back behind June’s ear and then kissed her on the forehead. “I’m going to finish the movies with the kids,” Phil said. “I’ll put them to bed and then I have to go."

“To Dan?” June asked quietly.

“Yeah.”

Chapter 22

Yes. You want to say yes, so just say yes. 

That was the thought in Dan’s head as he looked down at Roger on his knee, holding a ring. Everything around Dan and Roger was obscured in the night’s deep black, but these street lamps—these expensive looking vintage gas lamps—were holding them both in a strange spotlight, like everything in the world had turned to focus in on them.

Yes. You want to say yes, so just say yes.

The thought repeated in Dan’s mind, prodding him to say something, to make some sort of action that could make sense of what was happening now. This impossible thing that was happening now—Roger was asking Dan to marry him. 

But, unfortunately, that thought wasn’t the only one Dan’s head. He was also thinking something else, something that threatened to let the surrounding darkness spill into their safe, little island of light. The thought that couldn’t start a marriage on a lie, couldn’t start their marriage with a secret. And Dan had one hell of a secret.

Dan wanted to say yes. Half of his mind was begging for him to do it, but those weren’t the words that came out of his mouth.

“I kissed Phil.”

Roger went unearthly still, his hopeful face now gone absolutely blank. It was unsettling, almost unreal, like time had some how stalled. Then, that tense moment broke. Roger let out a short laugh. 

“I’m down on my knees asking you to marry me, and what you decide to say to me in this moment is ‘I kissed Phil’?” There was a disbelief, a confusion in Roger’s voice that sounded wrong…like something Dan needed to make sense of but couldn’t. 

Dan ducked his head down toward his chin. It was too hard to look directly at Roger right now. “I couldn’t just…I needed you to know first.”

Roger let out a sigh. “Dan, I already knew.”

What? No…he can’t. That just didn’t compute with Dan. Not at all. How could Roger possibly know or have known or whatever? How could he be here right now on his knees and asking Dan to marry him if he knew? Why would he be? Dan could absolutely not make sense of it.

“What? How?” Dan asked.

Had Phil told him? Had Phil told June and June told him? What the fuck was happening?

“To be honest Dan, I actually thought you’d slept with him.”

What? “When did you—”

“When you called, Dan. I figured it out almost immediately…I’m…I’m not an idiot.” Roger sounded hurt. Hurt about the wrong thing. 

Dan looked down, his voice small. “I know you’re not.”

After a moment of silence, Roger said, “You really didn’t have sex with him?”

Dan just shook his head. You would have, an awful voice prodded at the back of his mind, reminding him of the truth. I wouldn’t now, he responded to that voice. Because he wouldn’t now. He wouldn’t. Things were different now. Phil had pushed him away one too many times. 

“Marry me, Dan.”

Dan was pretty sure Roger had just asked to marry him again, but that didn’t seem possible. Not even a little bit possible with what Dan had just admitted to. Why would he be doing this? They still needed to talk about this—and Roger had barely even reacted. He said he already knew that Dan had…that Dan had cheated on him. And yet here he was asking Dan to marry him. 

“Roger, what are you talking about?” Dan asked a little dazedly.

“Do you want to marry me?” Roger’s voice was tense, almost scared. “It’s a yes or no question.”

“It’s not…it’s not that simple.” He wanted it to be that simple. As simple as the yes he was aching to say.

Roger took Dan’s hand and pulled him in. “It can be. I meant what I said. I love you. No matter what.”

The words seemed a little off now. No matter what. What did that mean? That Roger would stick by Dan no matter what an ass he was? No matter how much he hurt Roger? He didn’t want that…He didn’t want Roger to let him get away with bullshit. If they were going to be married, to be husbands, it couldn’t possibly work if Roger was willing to let Dan walk all over him. Because the reality was—and Dan hated recognizing it—besides these last few weeks, it had been a long time since Dan had treated Roger the way he deserved to be treated. For some reason, that didn’t matter to Roger.

Dan was starting to feel a little sick to his stomach, a little lightheaded.

“Roger,” he said softly.

“Do you want to marry me?”

“Yes,” Dan said, helplessly, because it was true. It was so absolutely true. 

Roger bolted forward and kissed him. Dan felt his heart flip in his chest as he grabbed onto Roger’s jacket and tugged him in tighter. The kiss was good, warm and familiar in the best kind of way, and all Dan could do was stand there and wish he could go back in time, wish he could go back and love Roger just the way he loved him now. The right way.

Dan pulled back, and when Roger went after his mouth again, Dan put a hand on Roger’s chest and didn’t let him come closer. He wanted to pull him closer, but he didn’t. He decided to listen to the voice in his head, the voice of reason saying love him the right way this time, you selfish asshole.

“I want to, God I want to, but I don’t know if I should,” Dan said.

Roger turned white, almost green, in the pale lamplight. He looked like he might vomit or pass out. “Please don’t do this, Daniel. Please. You want to marry me, right? So marry me. I love you.”

“Roj—”

“Don’t.” He grabbed onto Dan’s suit jacket with one hand and still clenched the ring box tight with the other. Dan could see the tears in his eyes, wet and glistening. “I’m sorry. I fucked up. I didn’t tell you I knew about you and Phil, and I should’ve and I get that you’re upset with me, but please, don’t do this. We can work this out, okay? We can. Don’t leave me. I need you. Please.”

“Roger,” Dan said, his throat tight. “Listen to yourself. Please. I love you and I need you to listen to yourself.”

Roger was silent for a long time, but still clinging onto Dan. Then, suddenly he let go and backed up. With eyes wide, he looked at Dan. It felt a little bit like being seen for the first time and Dan didn’t like it at all. 

“Oh my God,” Roger said. “Oh my God.”

“Roger,” Dan said softly.

Roger put up a finger to stop Dan from speaking. “I…I’ve spent my whole life. My whole life doing everything I could to make sure I was never anything like my father. All of that, all of it, just to end up exactly like my mum.”

A hot tear rolled down his cheek, and Dan put a hand to his mouth. Roger had put up with so much shit from Dan over the years. Dan had thought he’d done a good job hiding it—his feelings for Phil—but he hadn’t. He hadn’t and Roger had just lived with it. The way he’d watched his mum live with his dad’s disgusting behavior. The way he’d watched her live always being second or third or fourth, the way he’d watched her being unloved.Like that was okay, like it was normal. Was that he only reason Roger had stuck him through all this? Because he was repeating a pattern taught by his mother? Because he blamed himself for every shitty, selfish thing Dan had done in five years?

“I thought it was my fault,” Roger said. “That if I just loved you better, if I was better. Then you’d finally want me. I thought that’s what was happening.”

It is, Dan thought. That was exactly what had happened. Phil had crushed Dan’s heart one time too many, and it was enough to make Dan see that he’d been delusional, that Phil could never really love him back, would never really choose him. And Roger was always choosing him, over and over again. Maybe Dan could say that now. Explain that it was different. That he was different.

Roger turned away, and the silence stretched out between them. Dan could feel his heart sinking, could feel everything turning to liquid and starting to slip away from him. He wanted desperately to stop it, to beg Roger to forgive him, to tell him they could start over, that he’d never hurt Roger again, but the damage was done and he wanted Roger to love himself enough to see that. 

Roger turned to face him again. His eyes were narrowed. “You…you cheated on me.”

Dan’s throat tightened even more as he tried to hold back more tears. “I did,” his voice broke on the world. “I’m so sorry, but it doesn’t matter.”

“You’re right.” Roger’s lip quivered. “It doesn’t. It can’t matter because of how much I want it to matter right now. I still want to marry you.”

I still want to marry you too.

 Roger shook his head and continued, “And that doesn’t make a lick of goddamn sense. Less than a month ago you had your tongue in another man’s mouth. And there’s still a fucking part of me that’s relieved it wasn’t your cock. Like it matters.”

“Roger…”

He let out a quiet breath. “Why wasn’t it?”

“What?” Dan asked, confused. 

“Why didn’t you fuck him? Tell me it’s because you didn’t want to hurt me. Because you realized it was wrong.”

Another tear slipped out of Dan’s eye and he didn’t even try to stop it this time. Dan knew he should say something but he couldn’t.

“You didn’t stop him, did you? It was him, wasn’t it?” Roger let out a cold laugh. “Well, Phil Lester to the fucking rescue again, then.”

“I’m so sorry.”

Roger ran a hand through his hair. “I wanted to marry you. I wanted to grow old with you, Dan. I loved you.”

It hit like slap across the face. I loved you. Love in the past tense. 

“I was good to you, so damn good to you. I loved you, and I was always there for you and I always put you first, and that whole time we were together, you would have chosen him. If he’d have asked you what I asked you today, you would have left me for him. And I’ve known that this whole goddamn time.”

Dan should’ve kept his mouth shut, but it slipped out anyway. The voice telling him to be good and keep quiet wasn’t as strong as it had been, not when he’d been broken down so expertly. “I wouldn’t now. I wouldn’t choose him. You’ve never hurt me. You’ve never, not for one second, made me feel like something to be ashamed of, something to be hidden away. I see that now. Like I always should have and I’d choose you.”

Roger’s demeanor softened. “It’s a little late, Dan.” He frowned. “It has to be. I can’t…I can’t end up like her. No matter how much I still want to be with you.” He looked down at the ring box in his hand. 

Dan wanted to reach out and hold him, but he couldn’t. He could never do that again. How had he lost everything so quickly? His best friend, and June and the kids, and now his boyfriend. Even his fucking job. He’d somehow managed to annihilate every good thing he had in less than a month.

“I know. I know that,” Dan said, feeling like a million different pieces of himself. 

“You broke my heart, and I didn’t deserve that.”

“I know that too.” 

Roger swallowed and straightened out his back. Dan could tell he was forcing himself to look right at Dan, even though he probably couldn’t stomach the sight of him anymore. “You need to leave. You need to pack your things, and be gone by morning.”

He heard Phil’s words in his head again. Get the fuck out of my house.

Roger was gentler about it, but it meant the exact same thing. Only this time, Dan was absolutely certain he deserved it. 

Dan bit back the part of himself that wanted to ask Roger for another chance, to tell him things could be different, that he’d treat Roger right this time because Roger needed to let Dan go and Dan needed to let him do it. No matter how much it hurt. And it hurt like fucking hell.

Dan just nodded.

“I’ll send someone to get my things from the other house, and then we’ll have to put it on the market, unless you want to buy out my half.” His voice was flat, emotionless. He didn’t sound like himself at all. Dan had the strangest and most ridiculous urge to pull out his phone and call Roger, his Roger, the one that loved him unconditionally, who’d call him ‘love’ and tell him everything was going to be alright.

But he’d killed that Roger the moment he kissed Phil, and he’d given him a thousand little injuries over the years, in all the times he’d chosen Phil over Roger, down to refusing to move out of the other house—as Roger had called it— in that shitty, soulless suburb. 

The other house. Their home. 

It fucking sucked to watch this life they’d built start sounding like the dissolution of a business. But that was on Dan. He’d done this to himself. “We’ll sell it. I can’t live in our house without you.”

“Okay. I really need you to leave now.” Roger handed Dan the keys to the Land Rover. “Take it. I’ll call for someone later.” He was still taking care of Dan in this very last moment. It made Dan feel so much worse. 

The brush of their hands as Dan took the keys made Dan weak. Was that the last time he’d ever touch this man? The thought made Dan sick. When Roger had gotten down on his knee, for a brief moment, he’d allowed himself to imagine a lifetime of touches. They were all gone now. Condensed down to a single, meaningless brush of their fingers.

Dan pocketed the keys and, without another word, he walked away from Roger, even though he wanted nothing more than to run to him. To just go home. He just wanted to go home.

He was so goddamn tired of this. Of walking away from the men he loved. So goddamn tired of broken hearts. 

Chapter 23

Notes:

just a brief warning--it's been mentioned before in the story but there's a more graphic mention of dan's difficult/unhealthy sex life before roger

Phil never drove, but he was driving tonight. Well, he drove sometimes. But never further than down the street and back to Teddy’s primary school or Rosalie’s nursery. It was through the photos on a few of Roger’s tweet—none of which included Dan—that Phil surmised that Dan and Roger had stolen away to Roger’s summer house.

He’d been out there a few times because it was a big and beautiful place for summer picnics. It was a few years back, when June was still pregnant with Rosalie and Teddy was young and his favorite thing to do in the world was fly kites. Phil could still picture Dan knelt down beside Teddy showing him just how to wind up and release the thin string. That sight had made him warm then, and the memory made him feel the same now. Dan would make a great father. Better than Phil had been so far. 

But things were going to be different now. Phil had already decided that. It would be a hard road—one filled with ups and downs and detours and set-backs, but he was determined to be the kind of father his kids deserved, the kind his own father had been. It was strange, maybe, but this was part of it. Part of being a good father had to be making hard choices, making them hate you sometimes, so they could see you as someone with courage and conviction, instead of just someone who lets fear push them around. 

It was late, and Phil and the car were completely isolated in the dark as he drove down this windy two lane road. He’d had to ask June where this place was because even though he’d been here, he hadn’t driven. Dan had, and that meant Phil didn’t remember at all where he was going. So before he’d left he’d gone up to June, and quietly asked her where Roger’s summer house was. She’d grabbed a sticky note off the kitchen counter and scribbled down a few directions and handed him the small yellow piece of paper. 

“Don’t ask me to get involved in this anymore than that,” she’d whispered. 

“Are you going to tell Roger that I’m coming?” He was her friend after all. Phil couldn’t blame her if she did.

She’d looked straight at him. “No. I’m not getting more involved in this than I already am.” 

Phil wasn’t entirely sure what she meant by that. She was involved in this whether she liked it or not, and Phil wanted to hate himself for it, for involving her in this ten years ago, but there was Rosalie and Teddy and there wasn’t a cost he wouldn’t pay for them to be in this world, and if there was one thing he knew about June, it was that she’d feel the same. 

So, as far as Phil knew, neither Roger or Dan knew he was driving out here at night to find Dan and tell him the truth. 

The car sputtered, coasted and came to a stop.

“What the hell?” Phil said, squinting at the dash to see if any of the lights would tell him what was wrong. There was no engine light or anything like that, not that he knew really anything about cars. But then he saw it. He was out of petrol.

Fuck. 

Thankfully, he’d been able to angle the car off the road so he wouldn’t be a traffic hazard out here in the middle of nowhere. He was pretty sure that he wasn’t too far away from the house now. The scenery looked familiar and he’d just turned down the final street on June’s scribbled out directions. For the first time, the thought crossed his mind that June could be leading him out over a cliff or something, but no. This place did look familiar and also June was better and kinder than any person had a right to be. He was absolutely confident she wouldn’t do that. 

Besides, she probably thought Roger being there when Phil tried to do whatever the hell he was about to do was enough danger for one Phil to handle. Not than Roger had ever been dangerous—though he could probably snap Phil’s neck with one finger or just pay to have him killed and keep his hands clean if he wanted to. 

Phil grabbed onto the steering wheel and let his head fall onto it. This was exactly what he didn’t need tonight. Being stranded out here on the side of the road when all he wanted to do was talk to Dan, to see him. God, how he missed him. 

Phil thought to call for roadside assistance but when he reached for his phone in his pocket it was empty. Phil searched frantically around the rest of the car, hoping to find it before the realization that he’d left it at home hit hard.

Shit. Now he was stranded out here without a phone. His heart started to beat really fast, his breaths coming in shallow and he knew he had to calm himself down before all common sense just flew out the window. He leaned back against the seat and closed his eyes. When he thought about calm, the first thing that came to his mind was Dan. He just let himself picture his face. The soft curve of it, the little brown freckles that dotted his cheeks, that little rosy patch on his jaw. He pictured the delicate pastel pink earrings he’d wear sometimes, picture the way they’d catch in the light, just under the shaved sides of the hair cut that was perfect on him, that showed off his big wavy curls. God, Phil wanted to just sink his hands into those curls. Phil pictured Dan’s soft nose and his big expressive brown eyes framed beneath nice, straight eyebrows. And his lips. He had perfect lips, though Phil had almost never let himself think about them, but they were big and reddish-pink, like he’d been biting them or left a faint stripe of lipstick across them. He was beautiful, absolutely breathtaking, and Phil didn’t want to waste another minute of his life not telling Dan that.

He threw open the door and stepped outside. The chill in the air immediately hit him and he shivered. It was freezing outside, but Phil had a coat and boots and he didn’t care because Dan was waiting at the end of this road, and Phil was tired of waiting. He locked his car and started to walk.

Phil wasn’t sure how long he been walking but soon enough, his fingers started to ache with the cold despite being jammed deep into the pockets of his coat. His nose was running from the nippy air and all he could do was wipe it away with coat sleeve like a child. It was dark—nearly pitch black save the light of the moon—and the very occasional street lamp. He was surrounded by trees on either side of the road. Phil was a bit scared, and Dan would be absolutely terrified.

When he passed under one of the tall street lamps, he noticed that tiny flakes had begun to fall. Great. Now, it was snowing. He was stranded and it was snowing. He just needed to keep walking though. Get to Dan. Tell him how he felt. The words he wanted to say started jumbling around in Phil’s mind. I love you. I always have. No. Don’t mince words, Phil. I’m in love with you. I want to be with you. Kiss you, hold you, make love to you. Dan would probably scoff at the phrasing, but it was true. Phil wanted that more than he’d wanted anything. To be connected to him like that, to give himself over to Dan and for Dan to give himself over to Phil.

Finally, when he was so cold he was actually having trouble dragging in breaths and the snow had started sticking to the street, he saw the summer house in the distance and there was a light on on the bottom floor. His nerves started to pick up because honestly he had no idea how Dan was going to react, if Dan would even want to talk to him. But he’d come too far, and wanted this too much to not just put everything on the line and damn the consequence. 

Trembling from the cold, Phil knocked his shaky fist on the front door. It took a moment—a moment too long, he thought, maybe—and then the door opened. It was Roger. 

He looked a little different. His hair was a mess though and his shirt rumpled and he was wearing a pair of stained joggers. Roger never wore sweat pants. He didn’t say anything. He just looked straight at Phil, and then slammed the door in this face.

Fuck.

What did this mean? Did Roger know? Did Roger just know Dan was mad at him? It was freezing and snowing and his car was out of petrol and Phil didn’t know what to do at all, so he just stood there, frozen in more than one way.

After a few moments, Roger opened the door again, his eyes narrowed and his mouth set into a straight line. “What the fuck do you want?”

Phil swallowed, his heart crammed into his throat. “I need to talk to Dan.”

Roger shut his eyes and shook his head. “Well, he’s not here.”

“What? Where is he?” Phil involuntarily shivered. It was so damn cold he couldn’t even get his brain to work right. 

Roger looked out and around him. “Where’s your car?”

“It’s…I ran out of petrol a couple miles back. I walked here.” That was not what Phil wanted to talk about. “Roger, where’s Dan?”

“I don’t know.”

Fear jolted through Phil. “Is he okay? Did he leave? Does he have his phone? It’s freezing out here. We can’t just let him walk around—“

“Phil.” Roger let out a breath. “He’s not…that’s not what’s happening. He’s just not here anymore.”

What was wrong with Phil? Why couldn’t he make sense of whatever Roger was saying? God, he was fucking cold and it was so late and he’d just walked at least a mile in the snow. “What?”

Roger ran a hand over his face. “We broke up, okay?”

Phil was hit with a strange mix of emotions he didn’t know what to do with so he just shoved them away and shivered again. “Why?” Should he be asking that right now? He didn’t know. 

“Really?” Roger just looked down at him with a raised eyebrow. 

Oh.

Phil shivered again. “You know?” That wasn’t the right thing to say. He knew it, but he’d already said it. 

“I thought slamming the door in your face would have gotten the message across, but apparently not.”

“Oh…I’m…” Even in his frozen stupor, he couldn’t bring himself to say he was sorry for kissing Dan, for loving him. He wasn’t going to feel guilty about it anymore. “I’ll just go…”

Go where, Phil didn’t know, but he turned to walk away. Maybe he could get picked up by a hitchhiker…

“What are you doing?”

“L-leaving.”

Roger sighed. “You’ll freeze to death. Just get in here.”

Phil hesitated. He knew the last thing on earth Roger wanted was to have to deal with him, but what else was he going to do? He literally might actually freeze to death. He stepped through the door and past Roger. He felt strangely exposed, watched, as he passed by him. It had never bothered him that Roger was taller than he was, but right now he felt so small under his gaze.

“D-do you mind if I use your phone to call for a car?” His voice came out a little squeaky.

“I think you probably should.” He pulled his phone out of the pocket of his joggers and handed it to Phil.

“Thanks,” he said sheepishly. 

When Phil looked at the home screen of the phone, his heart sank. It was a selfie of Roger and Dan. He was pretty sure it was recent, and Dan was kissing Roger’s cheek. He looked happy. 

Phil didn’t know what else to do so he just made the call for the car, and wandered to the kitchen where Roger had gone off to to give him his phone back. 

“They said it should be here in like half an hour, if the weather stays alright,” Phil said.

Roger took the phone and gave Phil an awkward nod. “Do you want tea?” Roger asked. “Or wine? … Or hard liquor?” He let out a long breath. “I’m having hard liquor.”

“I’m fine.” Phil didn’t want to impose more than he already was. 

“I’ll make you tea,” Roger said.

“Oh, okay.” Phil tucked his thumbs into his pockets and rocked back. God, he felt he awkward…and awful. 

Roger poured himself a glass of scotch, and then sipped it as he put the kettle on. They both just stood there enduring an unacceptable amount of silence. 

“So, what did you want to say to Dan?” Roger finally spoke up.

“Umm what?”

“You wanted to talk to Dan. What about?”

“I…it’s not important.”

Roger took another long swig of the scotch. “Look, Dan and I are over, but June is my friend and I’m not going to let you fuck Dan behind her back.”

Phil shut his eyes and sighed. “Roger—”

“I should probably tell her anyway. I should have told her before, but I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Know what? When did Dan tell you?”

“Tonight”

The kettle went off with its high pitched whistle, and he pulled it off the hob. 

“I don’t understand.” If Roger had just found out tonight when would he have had time to tell June before?

“It doesn’t matter. June doesn’t deserve to be fucked with, alright?”

“You’re right. I know,” Phil said. “I asked her for a divorce.”

Roger’s eyes went wide, his mouth dropping open a little. He didn’t say anything. He just turned away and poured the hot water into a mug and then dropped in a tea bag. “You asked her for a divorce?” Roger finally said. “Why?”

Phil was really getting tired of laying his heart bare for all but the one person he really wanted to. “Do you really need me to say it?”

“Yeah, mate. I think so.” He thrust the mug into Phil’s hand. He’d never seen someone make an angry cup of tea before, but there was a first for everything apparently. 

Phil gathered up the courage as he stared down at the steaming tea. “I’m in love with Dan and it’s not fair to her to keep forcing our marriage.”

“You want to pretend this is about what’s right for June?”

Phil looked Roger in the eye for the first time since he’d gotten here. “I’m not pretending.” For the first time, it was true. He wasn’t pretending. “It’s not just about her, but it is about her too, and it’s about me and it’s about the kids and about Dan.”

“But it’s not about me?” Roger took another sip of the scotch. “I honestly thought we were friends.”

“We are.”

“Are we?” Roger shook his head. “All these years and now I feel like I barely know you.”

Roger wasn’t wrong. Stripped of the kids and June and Dan. There wasn’t much of anything between the two of them. “Yeah…I don’t know why we never—”

“I was fucking the man you were too scared to want,” Roger snapped. “Of course you never really liked me. I had what you were too much of a coward to ask for.”

Phil kind of wanted to run right back out in the cold, but he forced himself to hold his ground. He wasn’t going to argue with Roger though, especially not when he was right. “You’re right.”

The tightness in Roger’s demeanor melted just a little. 

It might have felt like they couldn’t be more different, but he and Roger did have one very solid thing in common—they were in love with the same man. “You’re right, Roger. We were never close because you had him and I wanted him. And you helped him accept himself and love himself and I…”

“You made him feel like shit, Phil.”

His stomach twisted in a knot. “I know.” 

“Do you?”

“Yes.”

Roger turned his back to Phil. “No you fucking don’t. Did he tell you about all the people he let fuck him after you ran off with June? Pretty much anyone who wanted to.”

“Don’t talk about him like—“

“I’m not talking about him like anything.” Roger spun back around. “He didn’t do a damn thing wrong. You just need to know—because you don’t. You need to know how broken he thought he was because of you. How much he thought he didn’t deserve love or even basic human respect. He thought he deserved a stranger’s cock in his mouth in some shit back alley. Or some fucking girl who just wanted to say she fucked the guy from the radio. He was hurting and doing dangerous things, Phil. He’s goddamn lucky…he’s lucky nothing worse happened to him because he wasn’t making safe decisions. Do you get what I’m saying to you? He hated himself because of you.”

Phil couldn’t bear to think of Dan like that, Dan hurting like that. Phil could hear the blood rushing in his head…he’d had no idea. Not a fucking clue. 

“And you came along and rescued him. Like a perfect knight in shining armor.” Phil said, his voice flat. Roger did look like that. Even now in his rumpled up clothes, he still looked like a prince dropped right out of a fairytale.

“It wasn’t enough though,” Roger went on. “It was never enough. Because you crawled into his fucking head, Lester. When he was practically a kid. Like a goddamn virus, and he never could get you out of his head or heart, even though you’re the worst fucking thing in the world for him.” Roger let out a long sigh. “I broke up with him, you know? I asked him to leave.”

“I get it.” And—maybe for the first time in his life—Phil really did get it. It was him. He was the villain in this story. In his own goddamn story.

“God, I need to sit down.” Roger just shook his head and walked toward the sitting room with its big leather chairs.

Phil didn’t move until Roger asked him to come. He wasn’t quite sure why he listened but he did. He sat down in a large chair across from Roger, cradling the mug of tea in his hands.

“You were coming here to ask him to be with you, weren’t you? To leave me? For you?”

Phil let out a breath. “I was coming to tell him I was in love with him and I was leaving June. He could do with that whatever he wanted.”

Roger was quiet for a moment and then in the smallest voice he said, “I love him. Every single part of me loves him.”

“I know.”

“And I had to let him go.”

“Because he kissed me?”

“Because he loved you. For all those years, and I knew it. And I deluded myself into thinking I could love him well enough that he’d get over you because I couldn’t imagine a life without him. Truth is, I still can’t.”

“I’m sorry.” God, that was probably the wrong thing to say. But Phil was sorry. It didn’t matter. He knew it didn’t, but he was. 

They just continued sitting there in silence and Phil desperately wanted the car to get here, to  just let Roger grieve in peace. So Phil just sipped his tea and tried to pretend this was just him sitting here with someone he’d known for a really long time. But in all the silence, Phil got distracted by the surroundings of the room, and noticed a small open box nestled near some used tissues on the side table.

His stomach dropped. It was a ring box. There was a little silver of metal resting in the velvet.

Roger noticed Phil staring at it and grabbed the box off the table as he stood. He walked towards the kitchen and out of sight. A few seconds later, the garbage disposal turned on and there was sudden horrible screeching of metal blades against metal.

Phil cringed. 

The sound shut off and Roger walked back in the room and sat down as if nothing had happened. He took another sip of his scotch.

Phil said nothing, and there was another stretched out moment of awkward silence before Roger spoke up again, “He said yes.”

Phil felt the tea churning in his otherwise empty stomach.

“I just…I thought you ought to know that.”

“Okay.”

Roger let out a breath through his nose. “Okay.” 

It wasn’t long until, Roger’s phone rang. It was Phil’s car. They didn’t even exchange another word. Phil just left with that thought in his head. Dan had said yes. Dan had wanted to marry Roger. 

Of course he did. Roger was a good man and Phil…well, Phil just felt like a monster. The only thing he could do now was go to Dan and beg his forgiveness, go to Dan and hope the truth of his feelings would be enough to set things right again.

Chapter 24

When Dan got back to the house, it was completely dark. He flipped on the light and did his best not to think of anything. Not to think of how he’d picked that sofa out with Roger. How they’d argued about it and then compromised. The one they’d gotten wasn’t quite as modern as Dan had wanted and not quite as large and expensive as Roger had wanted, but it had been somewhere in between—and the night it arrived, they’d just both been thankful it was big enough to fuck on. Dan smiled at the memory, but as soon as he did it hit him again, Roger was gone. This wasn’t an argument that ended in a compromise and having sex until they both just forgot whatever they were arguing about. 

This was final and all Dan wanted to do was cry. 

Cry and then sleep. 

He dragged himself up the stairs, peeled off the uncomfortable suit he was still wearing and just laid on top of the covers. He didn’t even take the time to drink water or brush his teeth or anything.  And he didn’t have anyone who would make him take care of himself anymore. There was no Phil to make him play video games when he just wanted to lie flat on the carpet. There was no June to make sure he was eating healthy. He was the reason she cared so much about fiber and nutrients and gluten. There weren’t kids to laugh and play pretend with anymore. And there was no Roger to tenderly stitch the stray pieces of Dan back together anymore. 

There was just Dan, and he wasn’t sure that was going to be enough. But he hoped it would be, as he shut his eyes, he hoped tomorrow that he could drag himself out of bed and force a glass of water down his throat and put food in his mouth. He hoped, but he didn’t know. He just squeezed his eyes shut even tighter and decided he would find out tomorrow. 

He woke up the next morning to the sun flashing in through the window. Dan groaned and reached for the pillow, pulling it over his face to block out the light. This was a heavier pillow than his own, thick with goose down. It was Roger’s pillow.

Dan’s stomach tightened. There had been a brief moment there where he’d almost forgotten what had happened, almost forgotten that he’d been proposed to and then broken up with. That he’d said yes, but not really. That this life he’d built with Roger for five years now was just gone. 

Why did this stupid house ever have to flood? Why did he ever have to go stay with Phil? If things had just stayed the same, in time, he and Roger would have gotten over their rough patch, and Dan could’ve kept being Phil’s best friend. 

It filled him with the kind of rage that should have had him swinging fists, but all it really made him want to do was sink deeper into his bed and forget the entire world. He was really lucky though, that he had to piss—really, really badly.

Dan rolled out of bed and stumbled toward the bathroom door. It was hard as he looked at the sink as he pissed not to think of all the times he and Roger had stood there, mornings and nights, brushing their teeth. He used to hate the way Roger would spit his toothpaste because it always got on the mirror, but right now, he’d give anything to see those little minty spots across the glass. 

The cleaning crew had erased any evidence that Roger had once been here. They’d even had to throw out their toothbrushes, so the little holder was empty. Dan felt wetness on his cheeks before he even realized he was crying and he wiped it away with the back of his hand.

All he wanted to do was just fall back in bed, just sleep away the rest of the day, and maybe the one after that, but he’d been through enough, worked hard enough, over the last five years to know that was exactly the thing he couldn’t do right now. With or without, Roger or Phil or anyone. He still had to just keep existing in this world as himself and if he were going to manage to do that, he couldn’t give into what he felt like doing. He had to just push through and force himself to do what he ought to do. Maybe it wouldn’t work, maybe it would work today and not tomorrow, but Dan was going to try. 

He splashed some water on his face, and he couldn’t be bothered to open a new toothbrush so he could squirted some paste into his mouth and kind of swished it around. It was better than nothing. Dan dragged himself out of the bathroom and threw on a pair of shorts and a soft, black hoody. Then, he forced himself down the stairs. He was halfway to the kitchen when his stomach dropped.

His kitchen would be a disaster. There would be shattered bits of porcelain all over the tile. Maybe he could just step around it. Dan definitely didn’t have the energy to pick it up today, especially because picking it up meant thinking about how it had gotten there in the first place. Dan forced that thought out of his head and set his mind to only one thing—drinking a glass of water.

When Dan got to the kitchen, he couldn’t believe what he saw. The whole kitchen was clean. There wasn’t even the smallest bit of evidence that he’d shattered all the Dan and Phil mugs on the floor. He wasn’t sure what had happened and then it hit him—Phil.

Phil had a key to his house—if Dan had even remembered to lock the door when he left. Phil must have come in here looking for him and found those broken mugs instead of him. Dan didn’t know what that meant, or if it mattered. Tentatively, he crossed the cold tile floor and opened the cupboard that had housed the merch mugs. It was empty of all but one mug. It wasn’t merch though. It was a chipped black mug. Nothing special, except Dan knew that it was. It had been left behind by the previous tenants of their Manchester apartment. It was technically the first thing they’d owned that wasn’t Dan’s or Phil’s but theirs.

Dan had no idea Phil had even kept it. Maybe he shouldn’t be shocked. Phil had kept everything. But he’d remembered this. Remembered its importance to Dan, to them, and he’d brought it over here as some kind of gesture. 

A small, chipped mug for thirteen years of a broken heart. Dan just sighed and shut the cupboard door. 

He searched through the rest of the cupboards until he found his drinking glasses. He poured himself a glass of water. He had a box of Crunchy Nut stuffed back in one of the cupboards too. It was nearly completely full. Roger would never eat it. 

His doorbell rang. Dan’s first reaction was to ignore it, but when it rang several more times, Dan sighed and walked back to the front door. His heart hit the floor when he looked through the peephole and saw who it was.

Phil. 

He had his head tucked down, his button-up shirt was rumpled and his hands were tucked into his pockets. 

Dan drew in a deep, steadying breath and opened the door. He opened the door, but couldn’t manage to say anything. 

“Hi, Dan,” Phil eventually said.

Dan fought through the heavy lump in his throat to say, “Hey.”

Phil looked up at him, biting his lip. “Can…can I come in?”

“I guess. Yeah.” Dan stepped out of the way to let Phil walk in beside him. 

Phil shut the door behind him. “Um, how are you feeling? Are you…okay?”

“I’m…I’m fine. How are you? How’s June?”

Phil let out a breath. His eyes were wide and focused so intently on Dan that Dan wished he could duck behind something and hide from the gaze. 

“Dan, I have something I need you to know.”

“O-okay.” Dan was already feeling dizzy. It had been so long since he’d seen Phil, it felt almost impossible that he was standing here right now.

Phil bit his lip and looked right at Dan, his brow drawn together. “I’m in love with you.” 

The entire room started to spin. Dan had to still be dreaming. This could not be what was happening. Phil couldn’t possibly be saying the words that he was saying right now. This was more ridiculous than Roger wanting to marry him even though he knew about Dan’s feelings for Phil. This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t. 

“What?” 

Phil’s voice got a little steadier this time, “Dan, I’m in love with you. I always have been.”

“Please stop talking.”

“Dan—”

“No!” Dan ran a hand through his hair, gripping it. “You don’t get to fucking do this! Not now.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Shut up, Phil. You’re not in love with me. You can’t be in love with me so you need to just shut your goddamn mouth.”

Phil reached out for him, but Dan pulled away. “Please, Dan. I know you’re angry, but just hear me out.”

“What do you expect me to do, Phil? Just get on my knees and blow you and then you go back across the street to your wife? Well, fuck you, Phil.”

“Dan, no. It’s not like…” Phil put a hand on his jaw. “God, Dan. I asked June for a divorce.”

What? He couldn’t have done that. What about Teddy and Rosie? What was he thinking? “Why would you do that?”

“Why would I…” Phil let out a tired laugh. “Because Dan. I’m in love with you. I’m tired of pretending. I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love you, and I never will.”

“Don’t say that.”

“What? The truth?”

Dan shook his head. “It’s not the truth.”

“It is.”

“No, it’s fucking not. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have… you know how many fucking times you broke my heart? Do you have any fucking idea what it was like for me? Just following you around like a lost puppy for all those years? It fucking sucked, Phil. You fucking sucked.”

A tear had fallen from Phil’s eye and streamed down his cheek. He sniffed and wiped it away. “I know.”

Dan was so mad that he couldn’t see anything but that. But the total redness of anger. “You don’t love me.”

“I do. I’m so sorry. I love you, and I know Roger asked you to marry him and I know you said yes, but I just need you to know the truth, whatever you decide to do with it, even if it means you never…you never talk to me again, I need you to know that you deserve to be loved, Dan. You always did. You deserve to be happy, whatever that means to you. I’m sorry I ever made you feel like you were something to be ashamed of, like you didn’t deserve to be loved or like you weren’t loved. You were. You are.” Phil wiped another tear away with the back of his hand. “If that means patching things up with Roger, then I think that’s what you should do.”

What? How did Phil know anything about this? “Phil…”

“He still loves you. A lot. And he deserves you. I…I don’t. Not really and I know that. I went out there to tell you this…to tell you I loved you, to get you to be with me, but I didn’t find you. I found Roger, and he told me what happened and we talked and it made me see. I want you to be happy, as happy as you can be with everything I’ve fucked up for you.” Phil shut his eyes. Dan could tell that Phil was steadying himself. “He still loves you. You can fix it with him. I really think you can.”

“What? What is happening? You tell me you love me, but then you tell me I need to get back with Roger. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Phil let out a head breath and ran his over his face. “I’m not…I’m screwing this up. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to tell you to do anything, Dan. I just want you to do what you want—whatever you want—and you wanted to marry him, and it’s my fault you can’t do that, but he still loves you, he said he—”

“I know, Phil. I know. I said yes, but I also said no. It doesn’t matter what I want, Phil. I can’t do that. I can’t ask him to take me back.”

Phil blinked. “W-why?”

“Because I think you’re right, Phil. I think he’d take me back and that’s not good for him. It’s a lot to explain, and it’s not mine to explain. But I have to let him go. So you don’t have to do whatever the hell it is you’re doing.”

Phil hung his head for a moment. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For everything? Roger told me…I mean, he didn’t say a lot but he told me that before you got together, you used to…not make the best decisions when it comes to sexual partners… behaviors.”

Memories of half-drunk nights and forgotten condoms jolted into Dan’s head and he shoved them away.

Dan shook his head, averting his eyes from Phil. “He really shouldn’t have said that,” he mumbled.

“And I know that I drove you to—”

“No, you didn’t.”

“What?”

“That—in particular—was my own shit,” Dan said. “You’re not responsible for the bad choices I made back then.”

“Dan…”

“Look. This isn’t me letting you off the fucking hook, but I did a lot of work in therapy for a lot of years to learn how to accept responsibility for all that, instead of subconsciously blaming you or my parents or even June. You were an ass. You knew I was in love with you—”

“I—“

“You did, Phil. So don’t. You knew I was and you let June move into our house, right when we were in the middle of things changes between us. You let her move in and you just stopped the moment she was there. You stopped touching me or kissing me. You stopped letting me touch or kiss you. It was like it never happened and you wouldn’t talk about it.”

“You didn’t talk about it either, Dan.”

Dan groaned. “Fuck. I know. Okay, Phil? I know. I should have talked about it. I should have made us both talk about it, but I didn’t know what to do. The man I was in love with knocked up some girl he barely knew. We’re all fucking lucky that girl turned out to be June and not someone terrible.” Dan let out a breath. He was getting off track. “And I was terrified because you weren’t just the guy I was in love with. You were my best friend. The only best friend I’d ever had and that meant more to me than any of the rest of it. I couldn’t lose you. I couldn’t. And if I’d pushed, I might have. It wasn’t worth the risk…it wasn’t. No matter how much I wanted it, or missed kissing you. No matter how much.”

There was a moment of silence then Phil said, “Dan…I want to stand here and say I shouldn’t have married June, but I can’t do that and you know why.”

Dan did. That reason was Rosalie.

“I know…it doesn’t matter anyway.”

“Why doesn’t it matter?”

“Because when I look for the part of me that was in love with you. I just find a space that’s dark and cold.”

Phil stumbled back a little, almost like he’d been shoved. Dan could see his lip quivering as he let out a broken breath.

“I…I understand. I get it.”

“So…so maybe you can work things out with June.” 

“No.” Phil shook his head. “I…the divorce. It’s not because of you. It’s because of her. She deserves someone who can love her the right way, and that’s not me. I’m always going to be in love with you.”

“Phil.”

“I am, Dan. But it’s okay. That’s not me…I’m not trying to hurt you or guilt you or…I’m just trying to be honest with you and with myself. I get that you’re over me. That I’ve hurt you too much and you can’t trust me. I get it, and I’ll leave you alone.” He started to turn away.

Dan expected panic to claw up his chest, desperation to make Phil stay because he needed Phil, right? He couldn’t live without Phil, right? Especially without Roger to fill the space…but Dan didn’t feel panic or fear. He just felt sad. For himself. And for Phil, too. He was still Phil after all.

“Phil, wait,” he said softly.

Slowly, Phil turned back around, a look of confusion on his face. “Yes?”

Dan swallowed, trying to piece together in his head what he wanted to say. “I’m scared to say this because I don’t want to give you false hope because that really might be all that it is. I don’t love you, right now, Phil. I don’t. It’s like something broke in me after we kissed and you shouted at me…I don’t know. I just lost someone really important to me, someone I loved, someone who loved me, and he’s all I can think about right now because I never thought about him all the times I should have. All those times I was thinking about you…if I believed in cosmic punishment I’d think…I don’t know. I’d think this was that. I need time to get over Roger and the life we could have had—and the thing is, after everything, you’re right. I don’t trust you anymore and without that, there’s absolutely nothing.”

Phil just shut his eyes. “Okay.”

But Dan wasn’t really sure Phil did because Dan wasn’t sure he understood what he was feeling or thinking right now. “If I could trust you again, maybe, somehow, someday, I could love you again.”

“What…what are you saying?”

“I’m saying…I’m not saying to wait for me, but I don’t know. Maybe in time it will hurt less. Maybe in time, I’ll be able to understand a little more what happened and why and be able to accept it. Neither one of us is perfect…maybe in time I’ll be less angry and there will be a way for us to rebuild the trust we broke, but not now. I’m not asking you to wait for me, but…”

“Wait for you?” Phil finished Dan’s thought in the way that only Phil ever could.

Dan rubbed at the back of his neck. “You might be waiting forever, Phil.”

A small, quiet smile stretched across Phil’s face. “Okay.”

“But right now I need you to leave.”

Phil nodded. He didn’t say anything else, just turned and walked back out the front door. Dan watched Phil out the window as he tucked his hands into his pockets, and just disappeared down the pavement.

Chapter 25

Phil wasn’t quite sure where to go now. The part of his brain that dramatized things was chattering in the back of his mind that he was practically homeless, albeit not technically. He could go to his parents, but he definitely wasn’t ready for that conversation. He could go to his brother, but he was even less ready for that conversation. He’d always idolized his older brother and the deep and special connection he had with his longtime girlfriend. To have to tell him how royally he’d fucked up his own life, his own marriage, was going to be a humiliation he couldn’t even bear to think about right now.

And, really, Phil just wanted to be alone. 

He pulled out his phone and called a car to take him to a hotel.

The hotel room was dark and drab and sad, and looked much the way Phil was feeling on the inside. A little beige, a little numb. Numb was easier than truly feeling all the pain that demanded to be felt. But Phil also knew that eventually he would have to feel—all of it—not just the parts of it he felt like he could manage. 

Phil kicked off his shoes and laid back against the bed. The springs of the shitty mattress groaned awfully under his weight. He’d been awake for more than twenty-four hours at this point and he desperately needed to sleep. There was a lot more he’d eventually need to do too. He needed to contact a lawyer. He needed to look for an apartment. He needed to talk to June and they both needed to talk to the kids together. 

God, he was terrified of that. Terrified they’d hate him, even though maybe they should. Terrified of Teddy’s reaction. Teddy already had ideas about Dan that Phil had tried to shut down. Admitting to it now would only make him look like more of a liar. He wasn’t sure how much June would want to say about why they were getting divorced—about how much he would want to say it either—especially after what had just happened with Dan.

When Phil had first set about telling him, he’d been powered by the excitement, the adrenaline of the whole idea. He’d let himself imagine Dan’s reaction to be a positive one. Let himself imagine Dan kissing him again, pulling him in and saying that he felt the same way. That he just wanted to put the past behind them and be together. Finally. 

But that had been childish and silly. The past wasn’t something you could just put behind you. It was something that wasyou as much as things you were now and the things you wanted to be tomorrow . Dan couldn’t just forget it. Phil couldn’t just forget it. If there was any chance, any hope, they’d have to find a way to live with it. To build something out of its broken parts.

But was only even remotely possibility if Dan ever wanted to try with Phil some day. Right now, Phil was going to have to accept that he might never want that. He might. But he might not and Phil had to live in the space between. It was what he deserved, he figured.

He didn’t feel, however, like he deserved to feel the tears he felt burning at his eyes, slipping down his cheeks. He didn’t feel like he deserved to feel the gnawing, empty ache between his ribs that made him curl his knees in toward his chest. All this pain was his fault. He’d done it to Dan and to himself. So what right did he have to be sad about it?

He didn’t have the right to feel sad or to feel sorry for himself, not after everything he’d done. But it didn’t matter if he didn’t have the right because he did feel sorry and he did feel sad. It wasn’t something he seemed to have any control over at all. He pressed his hand just under his heart, hoping he could settle back the pain. It was awful to lie there and not even be able to tell himself what he wished would have happened. What he wished he would have done. He could never wish away his children—he’d never want to. 

At the same time, he was sad, sad for all the life and love he’d missed out on with Dan. The thoughts of that happiness, like there was another version of him out there somewhere. A version of him who’d been brave. Who’d kissed back that first time Dan had kissed him and never stopped. He could never wish he was that person, because of Rosalie and Teddy, but he was happy for that Phil—that alternate universe Phil. But he was also sad for that Phil too because of Rosalie and Teddy. Because it was hard for Phil to even fathom a universe where he’d never played with Rosie’s curls or put a plaster on Teddy’s scraped knee. 

It was a strange longing, an ache that pulled him two different directions and he just had to live with, the tension of it, probably forever. 

He was still there just on the covers, his whole body aching from the inside out. Exhaustion forced him to sleep, even though his mind was still trying helplessly to keep turning.

 

When he checked his phone the next day, he realized he’d slept for about seventeen hours. He dragged himself out of the bed and took a shower and slipped back into his dirty clothes because it’s all he had. Then he pulled out his phone and looked up the number of a divorce attorney. It made him queasy but he pushed through it. There wasn’t any turning back from this. He didn’t want there to be because he had to move forward and June deserved to be happy. And he’d meant what he’d said to Dan. He was going to wait for him, even if the waiting didn’t pay off. 

He dialed the number and there wasn’t answer, so he left a quick message. It wasn’t something he’d ever thought he’d have to do—call a divorce lawyer, but he wanted to get the paperwork going. He didn’t want this to be something that dragged on and on. 

After a few minutes, his phone buzzed. It was June.

“Hello,” he said as he picked up the call.

“Uh, hey. I was expecting to get your voicemail.”

“Is everything okay?”

June just laughed sharply.

Phil sighed. “Sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“It’s fine, Phil. I’m just not sure what to tell the kids, and I don’t really think I should have to do it without you here.”

“Of course not. I’m sorry, June. I can come over whenever you’re ready.”

She hesitated, “You’re not…busy?”

Phil furrowed his brow. “Why would I be busy?”

“I just figured you weren’t…alone.”

What? Oh, ohh. Shit. “It’s, it’s not like. We’re not.” Phil let out a breath. “I hurt him a lot.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. Or do if you want. Whatever you want.”

“When do you think you want to come over?”

“Tonight, maybe. I don’t have anything.  Like my clothes and toothbrush and stuff.” If all his things weren’t already out on the front lawn. 

“Okay.” June was quiet for a moment.  “Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“How do we tell them this? I don’t think Rosie is really going to understand and Teddy…”

“I don’t know. I guess we just try to be honest, and tell them things aren’t going to change that much.”

“Everything is going to change, Phil.” 

Phil rest his head in his hand and breathed out. “I know.”

“How are we going to do this, like custody-wise? Jesus, Phil. Are we… are we going to fight about this?”

Everything inside Phil tightened like a vice. “I don’t want to, but I want to see my kids. I want to be their parent.”

“Phil, I wouldn’t … you wouldn't either, right?”

“Of course not. So what are we going to do?”

“Every other week, I guess. Just trade off holidays every year.” June let out an anguished sound that made Phil twisted up even tighter inside. “I hate this.”

“I hate it too.”

“So…come over after dinner tonight?”

“Y-yeah. That works. Also, June, if you haven’t yet, you should contact an attorney. I’m going to file on Monday and I figured it’s best if we do it jointly, and I didn’t want to surprise you.”

“An attorney?”

“We have a lot of assets and you know I’d never try to screw you over or anything, but—”

June snorted.

“June…”

“Sorry, I know.”

“I just want you to feel comfortable, as comfortable as you can. We’re going to take care of ourselves and the kids, okay? I promise.”

“Not to be a bitch, but it’s hard to rely on your promises right now, Phil.”

“Then, just let me show you. You’ll see.”

“Where was this Phil for the last seven years of our marriage?”

“I—”

“Never mind, Phil. I know the answer to that question. See you tonight.”

“See you.”

June ended the call and Phil was left there, his hand slightly shaking as he stared down at his phone. This was happening, wasn’t it? It wasn’t some god-awful nightmare. He was actually getting divorced.

 

Later that evening, Phil showed up at his own house. He knocked on the front door and waited for June to answer because he didn’t feel like he could or should just barge in. 

Phil wasn’t ready for who answered the door. It was Teddy. Still in his grass-stained football uniform. 

“Hey, Ted,” Phil said trying to sound casual. He knew he failed.

“Hi…”

“Can I come in?” Phil asked, then immediately felt like an idiot.

“It’s our house, Dad.” Teddy said, a ‘duh’ tone in his voice. Then he just walked off.

Phil stepped into the hallway and when he saw the nail where his family picture had once hung, he nearly stumbled back as he was hit with the memory. The memory of Dan’s lips on his and his hands on Dan’s body. A sick, selfish part of him wished they’d gone farther that night. He wished he’d let Dan take him upstairs, like he’d so clearly wanted to. Now, he truly had to live with the possibility of never pressing inside Dan, never feeling Dan press inside him. 

He couldn’t think like that. Not now. It wasn’t right. Seventeen hours apparently hadn’t been enough sleep.

“Daddy! Daddy!” Rosalie’s voice almost knocked the legs out from under him. 

She came bolting down the hallway. Phil knelt down and she slammed into his arms, wrapping her small arms around his neck and squeezing.

“Hey, Rosie.” He turned his head and buried his nose in her soft curls. “Missed you so much.”

“Missed you too, Daddy.”

“Ugh,” Teddy said from the end of the hall. “It’s only been like one day.” 

Phil stood, scooping Rosalie up into his arm. She still had her arms wrapped around his neck and she was lying her head on his shoulder. Thinking about what he’d come here to do, he couldn’t even describe the awful feeling inside him as pain anymore, it was something else, something more insidious and unnatural. What had he done?

“Where’s Uncle Dan?” she asked.

Phil felt his heart plummet. “W-what, sweetie?”

“Mummy said you went to see him.”

There was prickle of anger at June for saying that, but it quickly washed away. It was the truth, and it was also a good explanation for the kids.

“I miss him,” Rosalie said, a small whimper in her voice.

Phil’s throat tightened. “Me too, Rosie. Me too.”

Phil carried her down the hallway, and set her down in the kitchen once she’d started to get squirmy. June was standing by the refrigerator. She acknowledged him with barely a nod, and Phil just kind of nodded back. Things had been tense in their house for a while now, but this was a whole new level. 

Teddy came into the kitchen. “Can I play Xbox, Mum?”

“No, not right now.”

“Mum, are you serious? Why not?” he whined.

“Teddy,” Phil said calmly. “You can play later. We need to have a family meeting.”

He stiffened, his small brow furrowing. “We haven’t had a family meeting since Zelda…”

Zelda—Phil hadn’t thought about her in a while—was the corgi rescue Dan had gotten Teddy for Christmas the year before Rosalie was born. She’d started acting strange about six months later, and Phil took her into the vet to have her checked out. They’d found a tumor in her brain. It was incurable, and the symptoms would have only gotten worse for her. June had stayed home with the kids and Dan had sat by Phil while he had to put down the first and only dog he ever had. 

“I know, Ted,” June said. “Let’s just all go sit in the living room please.”

Teddy gave them both a strange look, then slowly made his way over to the sofa. June picked up Rosalie and carried her in to the living room.

Rosalie wouldn’t really understand—they both knew that—but she still had to hear it, make sense of it the best way her little mind could. June sat Rosalie on the sofa beside Teddy, then took a seat in one of the accent chairs on the other side of the coffee table. Phil sat in the other one.

He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself as he looked over at his children, at Teddy’s confused and worried expression, at Rosalie’s unconcerned one. She really couldn’t understand what was happening, but Teddy could. He looked so uneasy and all Phil wanted to do was pull both his kids into a tight hug, but he couldn’t do that right now.

“Mum…Dad…what’s going on?” Teddy said, biting at his bottom lip. 

June looked over at Phil, and he could see the absolute terror in her eyes. And he knew he had to be the one to take the lead here. 

“Your mother and I… we’re going to start living separately—”

“You’re getting divorced?” Teddy snapped.

“Ted…” June said gently.

“What’s div-horse?” Rosalie asked, chewing on the two long sleeve of her shirt.

“It means Dad is leaving us.”

“It most certainly does not,” Phil said. “It does not mean that at all.”

“That’s what Henry’s dad said, and he got a girlfriend and moved away.”

“I’m not going to do that. I’m not moving away. I would never leave you two.” Just the fact that Teddy would think that at all made Phil lightheaded. 

June chimed in, “Dad is just going to get a place of his own. You’ll still live here and you’ll go stay with him too. Nothing’s going to change with school or friends or anything.”

Teddy sat in silence. Rosalie slid off the couch and started playing with a tipped-over toy truck on the rug. She seemed a little tense though, like she wanted a distraction. If she didn’t understand the words being spoken, Phil was sure she could sense the uneasiness in the room. 

“Why?” Teddy finally spoke up.

“Sometimes grown-ups get married and then they find out later that they’re better off as just friends,” June said.

This surprised Phil. He’d said that he would carry the weight of this thing. That he’d say he wanted the divorce. That it was his decision, not June’s. He hadn’t wanted her to have to do it. He looked over at her, and somehow she must have seen what he wanted to say.

She mouthed, “It’s okay.”

Teddy blinked, then said, “That’s…bullshit.”

“Teddy,” Phil chided. “Don’t talk to your mum like that.”

“This is about Dan, isn’t it?”

“What?” June said, stiffening.

“Teddy…” Phil said below his breath.

“It is. I’m not stupid. I’ve seen… there are tweets and stuff, Mum. From when they met. Everyone at school has seen them!”

“This isn’t about Dan. This is about what’s right for your mum and me. For all of us.”

“Bullshit.”

“Teddy. Stop saying Uncle Dan words,” Rosalie mumbled, spinning the wheel of her truck. 

“He’s not our uncle, Rosie,” Teddy hissed. “He doesn’t even care about us. He never did.”

Rosalie looked over at him, her big eyes glistening. A tear fell from her eyes and slid down her cheek. She ran over to June and buried her face in June’s legs. 

“Teddy Lester, that is enough,” June said, a hand in Rosalie’s hair.

“But, Mum—“

“But nothing,” June said. “I understand that you’re mad. You can be mad. I am mad, but Dan loves both you kids. He’s always been there for you both and I won’t listen to it.”

Teddy crossed his arms over his chest, scowling. “Well, I don’t love him.”

“That’s your choice, Ted,” Phil said. “But that doesn’t make this his fault.”

“So is he like your boyfriend now, then? What about Roger?”

“He and Roger broke up but not because of me. And no, Teddy, he’s not my boyfriend.”

Teddy picked at a string on his joggers. “Do you want him to be?”

Phil felt all knotted up inside but he didn’t know what to do besides tell the truth to his son. He hoped June wouldn’t hate him even more for it. “I-I do.”

Teddy looked somewhere past Phil and Phil could swear he could see the thoughts knitting together inside his head.  “Because you love him…in the way you were supposed to love Mum.”

June drew a sharp breath, then stood, lifting Rosie with her. She walked out of the room, leaving everything feeling that much worse, that much emptier. 

“If Dan’s not… then, you don’t have to do this, right?” Teddy whispered. “You don’t have to leave us…”

“I’m not leaving…” Phil sighed. “This really is about your mum and me, Teddy. Not Dan. I know it’s hard to understand, but this really is for the best.”

Teddy stared down at his hands. He was growing up, but he still had bright blue marker stains on his fingers. “Then, why does it feel like this?”

“I don’t know.”

“Dad…” Teddy said quietly. “Can I go play Xbox now?”

“Yeah.” Phil shoulders slumped. “That’s fine.”

Teddy slowly got off the sofa, his feet dragging as he left Phil alone. Phil leaned forward, covering his face with hands and took a deep breath. He reached into his pocket to pull out his phone, an instinct, he guessed. When he was hurting, he turned to Dan. That was just what he did, but he couldn’t anymore. There wasn’t really anyone anymore—not really—not Dan or June—and all his other friendships were fair-weather friends, not sky-is-falling friends. 

So Phil just slipped his phone back into his pocket, and let the numbness fall over him again so he could manage to get upstairs and pack his things into a suitcase.

“Pick up the kids on Friday after I get out of work?” June said, not looking at him, as Phil was coming down the stairs.

“That’s fine. I’ll try to rent a flat by then,” Phil said. “Where’s Rosie? I want to say goodbye.”

“She fell asleep.”

“Oh…okay.”

June walked away, and there was nothing else for Phil to do but leave. He walked outside and his heart sunk even further if that were possible. 

Dan was on his own front lawn, hammering a ‘For Sale’ sign into the grass. 

Chapter 26

There were cardboard boxes all over the floor, down the hall and near the stairs. They were neatly packed and strapped down with parcel tape. Some were marked with Roger’s name.

Roger had sent his assistant by the house to get his clothes and an assortment of other possessions a few weeks back. It had been strange for Dan to sit there while she dragged things out of the closets and out of their house. Dan had just stood there, watching, feeling the removal of each item like a tiny but deep cut. His assistant had failed, however, to get everything that belonged to Roger out of the house. 

As Dan was packing up, he’d come across more of Roger’s belongings— some old albums, a rowing crew trophy and a cashmere sweater shoved in a dresser in the basement. This house had been theirs for a long time. It wasn’t a surprise to find these little hidden reminders in uncovered nooks and crannies of the house, but it still stung each and every time. 

Finally, after working through the rest of November and most of December, Dan had the majority of their life separated out and packed up. The house was under contract and closing was at the start of the year. Dan had already found himself an apartment—out of the suburbs and back into the city. He felt he needed the change, to pick something for himself instead of someone else.

Dan had been slowly forcing himself back on the internet again. It was scary the first time he tweeted. He just made a brief jokey comment, and ignored every reply. He’d even managed to put up a quick video on dinof. It got a lot of views, but he knew the entire comment section was just blowing up with people trying to get an answer about him and Phil or him and Roger or something. When November came and went and there was no pinof, he knew the fandom knew something was terribly wrong. He’d yet to have the courage to look online and see the discourse, see theories about what had happened and why neither him nor Phil was speaking about it. Unlike Dan’s small forays back on the internet, Phil hadn’t been online at all. No tweets, no videos, not anything. Not even the Festive Day In the Life they’d filmed had ever been posted.

He’d been radio silent this entire time. All the way to Christmas Eve. 

The only time Dan had seen Phil was for a brief moment a month back when he’d been hammering the for sale sign into the ground. He hadn’t said a word. He’d just ran back in his house. He still had no idea if he’d ever have more words to give to Phil, let alone anything else. 

Dan closed up the box he’d been packing with the parcel tape, then stood. He was wearing a ratty pair of sweatpants and an old stained stained. His hair was a knotted mess of curls. It had been a few days since he’d taken a shower. He probably smelled, but maybe Dan was just used to it at this point because he couldn’t really tell. He hadn’t taken the best care of himself over the past month or so. He’d done bits and pieces of what he was meant to do. He’d eaten okay and had enough water most days. Gotten a work out in once or twice. He even dragged his sorry ass to his therapist a few times, which hadn’t been a regular thing for a year or two now. It was probably lucky he did. His problems might be bigger now than just being mussy and a bit stinky. 

Dan’s phone buzzed on the floor. He looked at the screen. It was another text from his mum. She’d really wanted him to come home, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want to have to slap on a fake smile and pretend everything was alright. For now, all Dan could handle was slinking around this mostly empty house like the Grinch’s semi-posh cousin. 

He looked at the text and smiled at the picture of their family dog. Colin had gotten pretty old, but he was somehow still going strong. He felt a quiet flicker of warmth, but still wasn’t sure what to say in response so he didn’t respond at all. He appreciated the concern nonetheless. He needed to know there was some stability out there somewhere, even if, for him, it felt out of reach at the moment.

For the most part, Dan had just ignored that it was Christmas Eve. He hadn’t listened to any Christmas music—that was always Phil’s thing. He hadn’t watched any of the movies or gone to Starbucks to get their sugary holiday drinks. Christmas felt too much like a celebration, and for all intents and purposes, Dan was still in mourning. 

The one Christmassy thing he’d done was shop. Well, he didn’t go out to the shops. He ordered some stuff online. The new Mario Odyssey game for Teddy, and a nice pair of football cleats. He’d gotten Rosalie the set of pretty lights she’d wanted for her room, and the big play tool box she’d been asking him for all the way back in October. In all his moving, he’d also found something he’d nearly forgotten. The torn-up cookbook he and June had found at a thrift store. Even if Dan hadn’t technically lived with Phil and June after that first six months of Teddy’s being born, he had almost always been there. They’d probably made every recipe in that silly book twice over those first few years. Like the other presents, he wrapped the book carefully and sat them in a box. That box was sitting by his door. He planned on walking over there tonight, and just leaving it for them to find tomorrow or late this evening, but he’d yet to muster the energy to trudge out in the snow to deliver the presents. 

When he heard the sound of tires on snow, Dan looked out the front window, towards the sound, towards Phil’s old house. A black Land Rover parked in front.  When Roger stepped out of the car, Dan felt the floor fall out from under him. The last time he’d seen Roger, Roger had been proposing and Dan had been wanting to say yes, unable to say yes. 

He couldn’t resist the urge to walk closer to the window and watch Roger make his way to June’s front door. Dan also couldn’t help noticing how good Roger still looked. His hair was arranged nicely. He was wearing a tailored long grey wool overcoat and a green scarf was casually tied around his neck. A light glimmered off the gold watch around his wrist as the front door opened and Teddy came bolting out. His chest tightened when he heard Teddy’s shouted “Roger”, muffled through the walls, as he barreled into Roger’s arms. 

The sight knocked Dan back. It was Roger, who he missed. And Teddy, who he missed. Two people who mattered deeply to him, both of whom probably couldn’t stand him anymore. It was strange how people who’d once made you feel comforted and safe could make you feel a stinging ball of anxiety in your gut. The worst part was he knew this was how they both felt about him. But maybe, in time, things could improve. All this had technically just happened and emotions were high and maybe…

A small smile curled onto Dan’s lips as he watched Roger walk towards the front door. Maybe things could even get better between the two of them. Roger had shown that he wasn’t afraid to break up with Dan, that he could stand up for himself. And Dan had seen the consequence of his selfish actions. He missed Roger, and he’d never hurt him again. So maybe, just maybe…

June stepped out onto the front porch to greet Roger. He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, and then took Rosalie from June’s hip and into his arms. She put her arms around his neck and leaned her small little head on his broad shoulder. 

God, Dan missed that little girl. She’d always been so fond of him—attached to him even. He missed helping her play the piano, singing her lullabies and curling up on the couch and watching Disney movies. He hadn’t seen her in so long, and he was terrified that she thought he hated her. But Dan couldn’t ask Phil or June if he could see her after everything and they certainly hadn’t asked him. 

Dan was still watching out the window as Roger slipped into the house with the others. Dan sighed. He had definitely not expected Roger to come down for Christmas Eve, but then again, it wasn’t like he had anywhere to spend Christmas Eve that felt like home. They’d always spent it together, either with the Lesters, or with each other or occasionally even with Dan’s family. If this was hard for Dan, it had to be hard for Roger. As much as it had come to feel like he’d been dumped, the reality was Roger was just as heartbroken as Dan, probably missing him just as much.

Staring out into the dark evening, Dan was able to catch a glimpse of himself in his reflection on the window. He had dark circles under his eyes. His hair was flatter than he’d actually thought. If something could be poofy and flat at the same time, his hair had managed it. The collar of his shirt was a little stretched—it had been days since he’d changed it and when he looked down, he noticed the fabric dotted with stains from unknown sources. God, he looked awful. Completely, utterly unattractive. Not that it mattered. Unless… He drew in a sharp breath.

Roger was just across the street. What if after he was finished at June’s, he walked over here just to check on things, or check on Dan, or… Dan felt a little bubble of excitement, hope maybe, begin to rise. Dan let himself think a thought he was surprised he let himself think. 

Roger knocking on the door, Dan opening it. Roger smiling at him, and Dan would say he’s sorry, he’s changed—because he really has—his therapist had said that he should think if he’d broken up with Roger just to keep himself from good things—and Roger would say “You get one more chance.” Dan would not fuck up that chance.

They’d kiss, and fumble through the cardboard boxes, they’d strip each other’s clothes off, and Roger would lay Dan back on their bed, and kiss his neck as he pushed inside Dan. It would be warm and tight like always. Roger would come inside him and everything would just go back to normal.

But if there was a chance of that happening, Dan couldn’t look like this. 

With a strange rush in his veins, Dan rushed back up the stairs and hopped in the shower. It felt good to have the hot water on his skin again, to scrub himself down with soap after so long. Roger’s soap that he’d left behind. It was good to smell like him again. As soon as he felt clean enough, he hopped out of the shower and dried off. 

Dan used the towel to wipe the condensation of the mirror. The shower had helped quite a bit, though there were still purplish rings under his eyes. Dan tossed his curls with his fingers, and put in some product to keep the frizz down. 

He went into his bedroom and sorted through what he hadn’t yet packed away. He didn’t want to be too dressed up, because it would seem like he was either going out or prepared for Roger to come over, which would be strange, but he still wanted to look good. He settled on a soft black jumper and his pair of black leggings that showed off his ankles. Roger had always liked those.

Dan had also neglected painting his nails, so the black had come off most of his fingers, just leaving a strange circle in the middle of his thumb and middle finger. He pulled a bottle of nail polish remover from the medicine cabinet and used some bunched up tissue to remove what little was left. Then, he pulled out a pastel pink bottle. Roger had gotten it for him for his birthday, and he carefully painted his fingernails, and did the same to his toes. 

He brushed his teeth, and used some mouthwash and deemed himself ready for anything that might happen tonight. 

Might, Dan suddenly remembered.

Roger might come over here. Might say he wants to try again, wants to give Dan another chance. Might run those strong, perfect hands all over and inside of Dan’s body. 

He couldn’t, wouldn’t, think about that. Roger was so close by. Roger had to walk by their house and think of Dan and miss him and want him again. It’s all Dan could think of when he saw Roger again. How much he’d screwed up, how much he would just fix it if he had the chance. 

Dan spent the next few hours pacing the floor. He paced and paced, then sat down and scrolled through reddit, then got up and paced again. He’d occasionally peek through his window and catch glimpses of Roger playing with the kids or talking with June. The night just stretched on and on, every minute feeling twice as long as it should. He wanted Roger to walk out of there, wanted him to walk over here.

He was ready for it. Ready to fix things between them, really, really fix them. He’d been wrong to let Roger go, right? Wrong because he wasn’t going to use him anymore. Why did they both have to be miserable? Dan wasn’t Edmund Ackerly. It was a different situation entirely. What had he been thinking all those weeks ago?

Just as the thought crossed his mind, he noticed Roger and June standing near and open window. They were framed in white fairy lights. They were standing  rather close, close enough that he imagined they were whispering to each other. Then, he saw June’s shoulders shake and saw her fall forward a bit and into his arms. He squeezed her tight and planted a kiss on her head. 

He turned his head, to allow her to rest in even closer and looked right at Dan. Dan fought the instinct to duck down and hide or turn like he hadn’t even noticed. Roger kept watching for a moment, then gently slid away from June to tug down the shades and block Dan’s view. 

Dan’s stomach sank. He’d been an idiot, hadn’t he? To think that Roger would come over here and still want him? To think it had just been a really drawn out fight? Of course it hadn’t been. Of course it had been more than that. 

Dan slid down to sit on the floor. He crossed his legs, put an elbow on his knee and leaned his head onto his hand. It was really over between them, wasn’t it? And it had been for a while. Those few weeks aside, there relationship had struggled with more than just Phil. They’d never shared that many interests, and they spent the majority of their time together fucking or hanging out with the Lesters. After a while, even the sex had gotten strained some of the time. Dan had put all of that on his feelings for Phil because that was easy to do, but was it true? Had he really just been blind for years to how good Roger was for him? 

Or was there something missing? And not just for Dan, but for Roger too. Roger fit himself into Dan’s life, and sometimes Dan into Roger’s, but there’d never been that creative spark to build something new together. 

They both deserved to find that, didn’t they? 

Dan let out a slow breath, like he was relaxing a little for the first time in months. It was okay now, it had to be okay, now to let Roger go. To let his broken heart finally start to mend. To stop wishing that things had been different and just accept them for what they were.

When Dan finally heard Roger drive away, he waited a few minutes, then put on boots and a coat. He carried the Lesters presents and left them on the doorstep. Then, he walked back to the house to finally finish all the packing. 

 

Chapter 27

“Who wants dessert?” Phil asked.

Both kids shouted ‘me’ as Phil stood up from the table and gathered their dishes. He’d made pizza for them that evening—made, not bought—which he was particularly proud of. It still wasn’t something he did often, but he was trying to make more of an effort to ensure the kids got fresher, healthier food with him instead of only ever eating take-away.

It had been an adjustment, the first few nights the kids had been here. Teddy stayed mostly silent and sullen, and Rosalie was just confused. Every time he tried to talk to her about it, she would just kind of slink away from him. He thought that she probably understood more than she let on, more than she wanted to understand. But he was trying. They were all trying and there wasn’t really anything else they could do. 

Mostly what Phil had learned over the last month and a half was that he could do this. He could handle the full responsibility of his kids when June wasn’t around. He could feed them, get them to bed and to school and do whatever else he needed to do for them. It was hard, but it was possible. Still, there were hard days. Days where he’d hear Teddy crying in his room, where he’d go to his son, but be pushed away because there were somethings he couldn’t fix even if he wanted to, even if he’d just keep on trying. There were even moments where he wondered if he’d done the right thing, but then he’d search for the knot he used to feel in his stomach and find it growing smaller. As hard as it was, Phil was starting to live out the truth he’d always wanted to live out. He’d stopped hiding. Even from his parents. It had been a hard conversation to have, but he’d told them the truth. They weren’t thrilled about it, his mum had said he’d needed to consider the children and his father said that sometimes being a man meant not having what you wanted. Phil didn’t listen to them, but he didn’t argue with them either. The decision had been made and now it was just the learning to live with it part.

He only wished Dan was here with him. He understood why he wasn’t, and why he might never be, but he still wished it. He let himself have that. 

“Daddy?” It was Rosalie. She’d pattered into the kitchen where Phil was digging in his freezer for a carton of ice cream.

“Yes, baby?”

“Is it New Years yet?”

“Not for two more hours.”

“Aw,” she whined. “But I want to pop balloons.”

“I know.” Phil pulled out the carton of ice cream and started scooping some into the bowls he’d sat out on the counter earlier. “And you can, you just have to wait a little longer.”

“I’m tired,” she said.

“Well, I’m not going to make you stay up, but you want to see the new year don’t you?”

Rosalie nodded. “Can we play a game?”

“Sure, baby. Just eat your ice cream first.”

Rosalie nodded, her little curls bobbing. Phil smiled. Something about those curls always reminded Phil of Dan. But then thinking of Dan made a melancholy fall over him. God, he missed him so much. He missed their friendship more than anything, the easiness with which they shared things and enjoyed life together. It had always been so easy to be with Dan, despite everything else. They’d just fit—Dan and Phil. If only he’d seen it earlier, if only he’d treated Dan the way he deserved to be treated. But he had to stop thinking in ‘if only’s’. At least, that’s what his therapist had said. 

Yes, he’d started to see a therapist. He’d seen how much it had helped Dan, and Phil wanted to unravel whatever it was that had made him push Dan away in the first place. Even if there wasn’t real hope of them being together again, Phil still wanted to heal that part of himself. He didn't want any part of that version of himself alive and well. If Dan did change his mind, if he did come back, Phil wanted to be ready to treat him the way he truly deserved.

Phil gathered up the ice cream bowls and walked them back to the kitchen. He was about to hand them out when Teddy asked, “Can we eat in the living room?”

He normally didn’t let them because he liked the routine of them all sitting down for meals together, but this was ice cream not a meal, and it was New Year’s Eve. They were having a kind of a party in a way, he guessed.

“Sure,” Phil said. “But only if you’re really messy and eat with your fingers.”

“Dad.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Phil smiled. “Just trying for some reverse psychology.”

Teddy furrowed his brow. “So we can sit on the couch or—”

“Yes, go on.”

Teddy hopped up from his chair, followed by Rosalie, and they all walked the few feet from where the table was over to Phil’s couch.

His flat wasn’t too small. It was three bedrooms, two baths and had a living room. He wasn’t sure he was going to be making videos anymore so he didn’t really need more than that. Without Dan, it just felt wrong and sad now. Thankfully, Phil had always been good and frugal with their money. He had plenty of savings, even with the impending divorce, to live off of until he started bringing in some money again. Maybe it was finally time to use those degrees he’d worked so hard on. 

He’d seen that Dan was still making a few videos. He’d yet to do a liveshow, but he made a dinof vid and he was tweeting somewhat regularly. He’d even posted a photo on instagram the other day. He must have found the bedazzled Gatorland hat he’d gotten when they were all in Florida while packing up his house because he was wearing it in the picture with a caption: #throwbackthursday to when #throwbackthursday was a thing. 

Phil smiled. Dan had worn that silly thing almost the entire trip. And when he looked at it now, Phil realized his constant insistence that Dan take it off, was just him trying to repress the fact that he found the damn thing illogically sexy. As Phil sat down the ice cream bowls on the coffee table, he got himself lost in a memory of Dan sat by the pool, shirtless, in short black swim shorts, that hat perched on his head. 

Phil shook his head to pull his thoughts back to the present. He looked down to see his kids tucking into their ice cream, then sat down beside them on the couch. Phil had done a little to spruce up the living room for the holiday. He’d blown up a couple balloons and hung a banner and scattered streamers and horns around that the kids could play with when the time came. He also had a hundred balloons piled around the floor of his bedroom that he’d let them stomp on when the clock struck midnight. 

When they were finished with their ice cream, Phil cleaned up the board and sent the kids to pick whichever board game they wanted to play. He could hear their faint arguments in the other room, but eventually, they quieted and when he walked back out to the living room, Rosalie was clutching Hungry Hungry Hippos to her chest.

“Can I play xbox after this?” Teddy asked. “That’s a kid game.”

Phil resisted the urge to say that Teddy was a kid, to tell him not to wish away this time in his life, but he bit his tongue. He was certain Teddy would understand those words as much as he did at that age which was to say, not at all.

“No, but we can play Mario Kart,” Phil said. “I want us to all spend time together.”

“This isn’t all of us,” Teddy mumbled as he sat down cross legged on the floor.

“I know. Let’s just try to have a good night, okay?”

Phil pushed the coffee table a little out of the way so all three of them could sit down on the carpet. He helped Rosalie get the game out of the box. As he laid it out, he couldn’t help but be reminded of the last time he’d played this game—tipsy on alcohol and the buzz of being so close to Dan. He remembered Dan lying his head on Phil’s knee, and he wished that for just a moment they could be in the basement again, easy and close, like they always had been.

But this was better and Phil knew it. In the long run, it was better because as long as they were living life like they were before, Phil was hurting Dan and he didn’t want to do that. Not ever again.

For now though, he pushed the thought away and spread out all the colorful marbles. Then, they played the game, each of them smacking at the handled hippos like it actually mattered who won. He was thankful for moments like this, even if sometimes in his hurried life he forgot to be. If anything, he was learning how to slow down and appreciate things in a way he never had before and he was grateful for that. Grateful for understanding how possible it was to lose the things that mattered most.

Eventually, he could tell Teddy was totally losing interest, and they switched over to play Mario Kart. Unfortunately, that didn’t take long to devolve into an argument because Rosalie wasn’t actually old enough to play. Phil could tell Teddy was frustrated. The kid was frustrated a lot these days and Phil couldn’t blame him, He couldn’t imagine what it would have been like to watch his parents go through a divorce at that age. 

Still, he had to believe that the divorce was ultimately better for Teddy too. That he could see his parents make the right choices for themselves and honor what they truly wanted. Teddy deserved to have happy parents so he could understand that he could be happy too. The reality was that Teddy could never have that if June and Phil had stayed together.

So Phil decided that before too massive of a Mario Kart fight broke out, he’d let Teddy go off to his room to play video games. It was just one of those times where he had to pick his battles.

“Thank you,” Teddy said, throwing down the Nintendo controller. 

“You still have to come out for New Years at midnight.”

“Okay, Dad!” Teddy shouted back.

Phil turned towards Rosalie and smiled. “You want to keep playing Mario or you want to do something else?”

Her bottom lip pouted out and she let out a soft noise. Her forehead wrinkled as she looked down at the controller in her hand. “Do something else,” she said.

“Okay, sweetie. What do you want to do?”

Rosalie tapped her pointer finger on her chin a few times. “Hmm.” She turned to Phil with a big grin on her face. “I know what!”

“What?” He scooped her up into his lap.

Rosalie flung her arms around Phil’s neck. “We can watch Uncle Dan.”

Phil felt his stomach tumble. “I-I don’t know, baby.”

“Why not?” Rosalie whined. “Wanna watch.”

“What if we watch Winnie-the-Pooh or something instead?”

“No,” Rosalie said, her lips set into a flat line. “That’s an Uncle Dan show. Not a Daddy show.”

“Honey…”

“Please, Daddy.” Rosalie sniffed. “Can we watch one of the whisker ones? I like the whisker ones! Please.”

It probably wasn’t the best idea. He had no idea how Teddy would react if he walked out here. Teddy hadn’t said a word about Dan as far as Phil knew since the day he’d learned they were getting divorced. Phil also had no idea how he was going to react. How much it would hurt.

“Please, please, please.” Rosalie clapped her hands together.

“Okay, okay. Fine,” Phil said. He tugged his phone out of his pocket and opened up YouTube. He connected it to his Google chrome cast, and then his fingers shook as he typed “Pinof” into the search bar. Before he could put on one from a few years ago, Rosalie snatched his phone out of his hand. 

“This one,” she said. “I like this one!”

Suddenly, the screen was filled with bad lighting and bad haircuts. It was filled with a twenty-two year old Phil and an eighteen year old Dan. It knocked the air out of his lungs.

Rosalie slid off his lap to go stand closer to the screen, leaving Phil digging his fingers into the sofa cushions and trying to fight against the burning in his eyes. 

They were so young back then. So full of life and opportunity. They hadn’t made that many mistakes yet, though Phil had made at least one. He hadn’t kissed Dan back on the Big Wheel. He’d let their lips press and he’d felt his heart flip in his chest. He’d never felt anything like it before in his life and he’d known exactly what that feeling meant. It was the most terrified Phil had ever been in his life. He followed that terror, instead of fighting back against it. Still, it hadn’t stopped them—their connection was too present, too pure, to even be ruined by Phil’s stupidity. 

He’d never forget that young, giddy feeling in his chest. He’d never forget hearing the words in real life that he was hearing now, “This was the most fun I’ve ever had.”

Phil hadn’t even thought it out when he’d tackled Dan to the ground. He’d wanted to kiss him in that moment, and it had taken everything, every awful, broken thing he’d had inside him not to give in. 

Phil would never make a mistake like that again. 

Rosalie turned around and the look on her face pulled Phil back to the present. Her face was all squished up, her lips dipped down and big tears were rolling down her cheeks. 

“Baby, what happened? What’s wrong?” Phil asked frantically. 

“I miss Uncle Dan.” She let out a wracked sob, then rushed forward.

Phil wrapped his arms around her and buried her face in his shirt. He put his hand on her head and held her as tightly as he could to him, tears welling up in his eyes. Phil pressed a kiss to her head.

“Me too, Rosie. Me too.”

“I want Uncle Dan.”

“I know, I know. I’m so sorry.”

She drew a shaky sniff. “Daddy, is Uncle Dan mad at me?”

“No, baby. Oh, sweetie. No. He loves you so much.” Phil put his hands on her face and made sure she was looking right at him. He swept some of her tears away with his thumb.

“Then, why doesn’t he come to see me anymore? He has to be mad at me.”

“He’s not mad at you, Rosie. He’s mad at Daddy.”

Her forehead crinkled. “Why?”

Phil let out a breath. “Because Daddy wasn’t very nice to him.”

“Why not?”

“It’s hard to ex… because I was scared. I was really scared and hurt him on accident.”

“Well, he should forgive you if it was on accident. That’s what Mum says to me.”

Phil stroked her curls back off her forehead. “It’s… I hurt him a lot. And he’s just sad and scared that I might accidentally do it again.”

Rosie looked at Phil in silence and for a moment he’d thought he’d gotten through to her, but then she just started bawling again. “I miss Uncle Dan. I want Uncle Dan.”

This probably wasn’t the best idea but he couldn’t take it. His little girl was hurting so much and he wanted her to understand that it wasn’t her fault. With everything else changing too, poor Rosie had lost someone she loved very much, someone she was very attached to. He’d give Dan a chance to back out. He wouldn’t call him up and guilt him with Rosalie’s voice, force him into a conversation he didn’t want. But he could text him… he could see.

“Here, baby,” Phil said. “I’ll text Uncle Dan and see if he can talk to you. He might be asleep though or super busy. Okay?”

Rosalie sniffed. “O-okay.”

Phil typed out a message.

Phil: Hey, i’m so sorry to bother you. Rosalie is really upset and confused. and you don’t have to talk to me at all but if you can call her and just talk to her for a second. it’s okay if you can’t. she just really misses you.

Phil: I know I shouldn’t say this, but I do too.

Phil sat his phone on the side table, and waited. He really had no idea if Dan would get back to him or not. It took a few moments, but then his phone buzzed on the side table. His stomach dropped when he saw Dan making a facetime call.

He pushed answer, but made sure to direct the screen at Rosalie and not himself. He didn’t want Dan to have to see Phil if he didn’t want to. 

Dan’s face appeared on the small screen. It looked like he’d had a fresh haircut and he was wearing a white t-shirt. He got a big, bright smile on his face. God, Phil missed that smile.

“Hi, Rosie,” Dan said. “I miss you. How are you?”

“Uncle Dan,” Rosalie shouted, taking the phone from Phil. “Uncle Dan. Uncle Dan!”

Dan laughed softly. “Rosie, Rosie, Rosie.”

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“I played Mario Car and I did really good, but Teddy won the hippo game, and guess what else?”

“I don’t know, sweetie. What?”

“Daddy blew up a whole bunch of balloons and when it’s midnight. We’re going to pop them, remember? Do you want to come over and pop balloons?”

Dan frowned. “I’m sorry, Rosie. I can’t. But you guys will have so much fun.”

“No fair. You always pop the balloons with us.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I can’t this time.”

Rosie hesitated then said, “Is it because you’re mad at Daddy?”

“Rosie…” Dan let out a breath.

“He’ll say he’s sorry. You have to forgive people when they say they’re sorry. Mum said.”

Phil felt bad leaving Dan to deal with this on his own. He wasn’t sure it was his best mood, but he didn’t know what else to do. He got down on the floor with Rosie and looked at the camera. “I’m so sorry, Dan. She’s had a difficult time understanding what’s going on.”

“I-it’s okay,” Dan said. “I get it.”

“Come pop balloons, Uncle Dan. Please. Pleeeease.”

Dan yawned. “I’m so super duper tired. That’s all. I’m… I’m not mad at your Daddy, okay?”

“Then you can come over tomorrow? When you’re not super duper tired and we can play piano. Daddy took the piano to his new house.”

Dan looked right at Phil and Phil’s instinct was to drop his gaze, but he just kept looking back at Dan. It was eventually Dan who looked away. 

“Look, Rosie. I love you so, so much. And I’m not mad. But I’m just really sad. Just really sad and I’m scared too.” His voice changed a little. “I’m really scared.”

Phil could hear the fear in Dan’s voice and it made his heart ache. 

“I can send you Pooh-bear,” Rosalie said hopefully.

“What, Rosie?” Dan asked, his head tilted. 

“Remember. When I was scared of the dark, you gave me Pooh-bear and said he’d make me brave. So if you’re scared, then I can just give you Pooh-bear and you don’t have to be scared anymore.”

Phil felt like there was just an empty crater where his chest used to be. He looked at Dan, who was trying to subtly wipe dampness from the corner of his eyes.

“Rosie, baby, that’s so sweet, but you keep Pooh-bear. He needs you.”

“Oh…okay.” Rosie sniffed.

“But you can always call me, okay? Whenever you’re missing me. If that’s okay with your dad.”

Rosie looked up at Phil. 

“Of course, it is.”

“You want to talk to Teddy?” Rosalie asked, then she took off with the phone before Phil could stop her.

“Teddy! Teddy! Uncle Dan’s on the phone. Talk to him.”

Teddy appeared in his doorway. “What?”

Rosalie turned the phone toward Teddy. “Look!”

“Hey, Ted,” Dan said.

“Ugh.” Teddy rolled his eyes and slammed the door.

“Teddy!” Phil barked.

“It’s fine,” Dan said. “I totally get it. I don’t blame the kid.”

Phil said, “This isn’t your fau—“

“It will be to him. Tell him I love him though, will you?” Dan asked, his voice sounding tight.

Phil nodded. “Of course,” he said quietly. 

“Want to see my new room, Uncle Dan?” Rosalie asked excitedly. 

“He probably has to get going, baby.”

“It’s fine. I don’t have anything to do,” Dan said softly.

“Yay” Rosie shouted, then ran off to her room with the phone talking excitedly about her new Shopkins all the way until he couldn’t hear her voice anymore. 

Phil knew he should probably leave Teddy alone, but he just couldn’t help it. Phil pushed open the door to his room.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Phil asked.

“I’m in the middle of a game, Dad.”

“Just pause it, please.”

“I can’t.”

Phil took the controller from Teddy and paused the game.

“Dad, are you serious?”

“You shouldn’t talk to Dan like that."

“Like what?”

“You just shouldn’t be rude. He loves you very much, He’s always loved you.”

Teddy just shook his head. “Whatever.”

“Teddy.”

Teddy whipped his head toward Phil. “You have no idea what it’s like, Dad. No idea. Everyone is talking about you at school. About how you’re gay and cheated on mom with Dan. Everyone knows it and I have to pretend like it isn’t true.”

“It’s not… it’s not like that. We’ve talked about—”

“People won't stop asking me about it.”

“Kids can be mean. I’m sorry. They just don’t understand.”

Teddy groaned. “No, Dad. You don’t understand. You don’t get it. They’re happy about it. Like Evan’s sister and all her stupid friends. They’re happy about it. Because they think you and Dan are boyfriends and it’s stupid. And I hate it.”

“Oh, Teddy. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know—”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s whatever. I just want to play my game.”

Phil let out a breath and then stood. He walked to the door of Teddy’s room, then stopped. “You don’t have to, but I really hope you come out when it’s midnight and pop balloons and stuff with us.”

Teddy just rolled his eyes and went back to playing his Xbox. The look of almost angry concentration on his face reminded Phil so much of Dan it was almost hard to look at it. 

Rosalie had hung up with Dan at some point because when she came back into the living room he wasn’t there anymore. Phil spent the next few hours playing with Rosalie and when it was just a few minutes before midnight, Phil called out to Teddy. He didn’t respond at first, but eventually he came traipsing out of his room to join them.

Once midnight hit, they seemed to forget everything else. They jumped up and down and clapped and blew the cheap little horns Phil had bought. He hugged his kids, then dumped the bag of balloons all over the floor. They shouted “Happy New Years” as they stomped and pounced on the balloons. Phil had no idea what this year would bring, but he held onto this little moment as tightly as he could.

 

Chapter 28

Dan was in the middle of a three hour Guild Wars marathon when his phone rang. Normally, he’d ignore the call in favor of continuing to play, but when he saw the name on the phone screen his stomach dropped—June Lester.

He’d tried to contact her a couple times a few months ago. He’d sent her a text and called and left her a message, but he hadn’t really expected her to respond, and she hadn’t. So why was she getting back to him now? Almost five months since they’d last even spoken.

Dan pulled his headphones off, turned off his game, and then answered the phone.

“June?” he said with a small shake in his voice. It was probably very obvious that he was nervous. 

“Oh, um, hey Dan. How are you?” she said.

“I’m okay.” Dan hesitated, but still decided to ask. “How have you been?”

“Eh, could be worse. I need to ask you for a favor.”

“Oh, oh okay.”

She let out a breath. “So usually if I need someone to watch the kids my mum or Roger helps out. Neither one of them can this Friday, and it’s my week with the kids and I would ask Phil, but I don’t really want to ask him in this particular case.”

“Why not?”

“Because I have a date, Dan. And it’s weird and I’d wanted to wait until it was Phil’s week, but this guy is going out of town and he’s really hot. You know, like, he can get it.”

Dan snorted. “Okay, June.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay. Of course. I’d love to. I miss the kids and…”

She laughed. “Aw, you miss me, Howell? Or is it just the cooking?”

He smiled. He actually really, really did miss her. “It’s definitely not the cooking.”

“Just shut up, and be here at six tomorrow night.”

Dan barely managed to get out ‘see you’ before June hung up. Well, that was fucking weird. 

He hadn’t really talked to any of the Lesters besides Rosalie in months. He wasn’t ready to talk to Phil. He’d thought about it between New Years and now, but he’d tense up every time and he just couldn’t bring himself to do it because he wasn’t sure what he wanted yet, wasn’t sure he trusted himself to want anything yet. 

His therapist had said he’d idealized Phil and when that idealization went away, he overcorrected and began to have trouble seeing any of the good they’d had in their relationship. They’d had a solid friendship for over a decade. They’d been there in the good and the hard times and the boring, everyday times. They’d had each other’s backs and built something special together. The twist-tangle of romantic feelings shouldn’t completely erase that. Especially because it wasn’t just something that happened with Phil. Dan did it with Roger too. He could only see the bad parts of their relationship until he’d been hurt by Phil and then suddenly, there was only good. Neither of those things were the whole truth, and that’s where Dan was now—back in London, in a new flat, learning how to see things and people as they actually were. 

He was nervous about seeing everyone, but also happy that June had called him, that he would have the chance to maybe have some kind of relationship with them, even if he decided that he couldn’t be with Phil. He’d missed the kids so much. Teddy hadn’t spoken to him, and though he’d occasionally spoken with Rosalie when she was at Phil’s, he missed actually getting to see his goddaughter in person, instead of just through a screen.

 

The next day, Dan took a car across town. He’d sold his car because he didn’t really use it anymore. It cost money to drive in London. It was almost surreal when he took that walk up those front steps, when he looked over at the house that had once belonged to him, but now belonged a retired couple who’d wanted somewhere greener to live. 

He closed his eyes when the memory hit him of what had happened on this porch late one night in October. He’d been so terrified, but it hadn’t stopped him from trying. The ending had devastated him, but the kiss itself… he would never, ever forget how it felt.

Dan knocked on the front door.

Moments later, June answered it. She was wearing a nice black dress as she struggled to slip on a pair of nude heels. She was kind of hopping on one foot, and the back of her dress was still unzipped.

“Hey,” she said. “Running late. Freaking out. Nothing new.” June finally got her left shoe on and then stood on it firmly. 

“Hi, how are—”

“Can you help me with this?” June turned her back to him, and pointed at the unzipped zipper.

Dan grabbed the zip and pulled up. It felt a little like deja vu, like he’d done this before, then he remembered he had. He’d zipped up her wedding dress when she couldn’t manage to get it done on her own.

“There you go,” he said when he finished. 

She spun around. “How do I look?”

Dan opened his mouth to answer.

“Never mind. Don’t answer that. It’s going to seem weird no matter what you say.” June let out a  little sigh. “Thanks for coming.”

“I’m really… I’m so damn glad you asked.”

“Kids!” June called out. “Dan’s here!”

Dan heard a small shriek from somewhere in the house and seconds later, Rosalie came barreling down the hallway and right into his arms. He was tearing up the moment he had her in his arms. He picked her up and she clung onto him like she was a koala, burying her face into his shoulder.

Dan sniffed back his tears, and June gave him a soft look as she patted his hand and walked towards the kitchen.

“You’re here! You’re actually here.” Rosie grinned. “I can boop you again.” She poked Dan right on the nose. “Boop me, Uncle Dan.” Rosalie stuck her chin out like that would give Dan better access. She’d already changed so much in just a few months. Her face was thinner, and she was much taller.

Dan just smiled and gently touched the tip of her nose. “I missed you so much, Rosie.”

He gently sat her back down, and she latched onto his hand and started dragging her towards the kitchen. “I have so many new toys to show you, and Mum doesn’t have the piano anymore, but I have a toy one we can play maybe. And then sometime, when we go to Dad’s, we can play the real one again."

Those words stung a little, but Dan did his best to stay in the moment. 

June was standing by the kitchen counter, sorting stuff into her handbag. 

“Is Teddy here?” Dan asked, trying to sound nonchalant. Teddy hadn’t wanted to talk to Dan over the phone, but he was hoping it would be different in person.

“He’s in his room playing his games.” June frowned. “He might not come out. The divorce… I think it’s been harder on him than everyone else.”

“I… it’s okay.”

Rosalie was tugging on the hem of Dan’s t-shirt. “I think I’m going to have my hands full with this one, anyway.”

“Come on. I want to show you my new Peppa Pig house.” 

Dan had already seen it several times on Facetime, but I guess this was different. “Okay, okay. I’ll be right there.” He looked at June. “Did the kids already eat?”

She nodded. “Yeah, nothing to worry about. Just get Rosie to bed in an hour, and Teddy needs to be lights out at ten.”

There was a knock on the door. 

“That him?” Dan asked. 

June grinned and slipped the strap of her purse over her shoulder. “Wish me luck.”

“Have a good time,” Dan said as June turned to walk over. She was out of sight within seconds.

“Come on, Dan,” Rosalie said. “Now. I want you to play with me.”

Dan spent the next two hours playing with Rosalie. They pretended to be princesses fighting robot dragons, and they played half of a game of Candy Land before Rosie pronounced that she was bored and that she wanted to play Hide-and-Seek. She cooked food for Dan in her fake kitchen wearing a little pink apron, and they ended the evening, curled up on the sofa watching some of the Winnie-the-Pooh episodes he’d grown up on that people had uploaded to YouTube. 

He carried her up to bed around eight. Her eyes had started to droop, and her little mouth had stretched out into a yawn. He pulled out some pajamas for her, and got her toothbrush ready for her while she changed. He helped her brush and then led her back to her room. He tucked her tightly into her bedsheets.

“Don’t want to go to bed,” she said, her bottom lip pushed out.

“You have to, Rosie. Those are the rules.”

“But, but I miss you too much when I’m asleep.”

Dan kissed her on the forehead. “Miss you too, Little Rose.”

“Uncle Dan?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

Rosie turned on her side and tugged her blanket up under her chin. “I liked it better when you and Daddy were friends.”

Dan closed his eyes. “So did I.”

“Why aren’t you friends anymore?” Rosalie frowned. “Nobody will tell me.”

Kneeling down by her bed, he flattened her curly hair with his hand. “Your daddy will always be my friend.”

“Doesn’t seem like it.”

“I know.”

Her little forehead scrunched up like she was thinking. “Teddy said… Teddy said it’s because, because Daddy wants to kiss you and you don’t want him to or something…”

“That’s not really… look, Rosie, I’m going to do my best to see you a lot more, okay? You’ll always have me. No matter what.” Dan let out a breath. “You want me to sing to you?”

“Okay.” She smiled. “But I miss when you and daddy would sing both of you.”

Dan could feel the lump growing in his throat. “Me too.”

Rosalie yawned again. “Can you sing the Jasmine song?”

‘A Whole New World’ wasn’t the easiest song to sing on your own, but he’d give it a shot. For Rosie.

When he was finished and she was slowly drifting off, he turned off the light to her bedroom and slipped back into the hallway. Teddy’s bedroom sat at the end of the hall. The door was cracked open and a faint sliver of light leaked into the hallway. Dan took a moment to just sort of stare at it before gathering his courage to walk down there and knock.

On the first knock, there wasn’t an answer and then finally Teddy replied.

“What?”

“Just checking to see if you were alive,” Dan said, trying to sound as normal as possible.

“Yup.” There was coldness in Teddy’s voice.

A part of Dan wanted to walk away, to just let Teddy have his space, but another part of him was just scared he’d never find a way to connect to this kid who mattered to him, so much that it sometimes felt like a physical ache. Teddy was Dan’s godson, but he couldn’t imagine that he loved Teddy any less than he would love his own child.

Dan let out a breath. “Ted, can I please come in.”

After a moment, he replied, “You can do whatever you want.”

That was probably about as close as he was going to get to a yes.

Dan stepped into Teddy’s bedroom. It was messy, as most boys’ rooms are, he had comic books on the floor, a pile of dirty clothes and posters of football players half hanging off the wall. There were also the football cleats Dan had bought Teddy, still unopened in their box. 

“What are you playing?” Dan asked, a little awkwardly.

It was very clearly Zelda, so Teddy just glared at him and pointed at the screen.

Dan picked up the opened box. “If you didn’t like the football cleats, I can return them and you can use the money for something else.”

Teddy let out a loud breath, then paused his game and turned toward Dan. “I don’t want your money,”

“It’s just a present, Teddy.”

His face was serious, his lips in a straight flat line. Dan hated to see his godson looking at him like that. “Why would you even want to give me a present? What do you even care?”

Dan sat down the edge of Teddy’s bed. “How can you seriously ask me that, Teddy? I love you. I’m your—”

“My what? Seriously, Dan. What? You’re…you’re just some guy who wanted to screw my dad.”

“Teddy.” Dan had no idea where Teddy had heard someone say that for him to repeat, but Teddy would be eleven next month. He guessed there could be quite a difference between ten and eleven in terms of stuff like that. And he’d been through a lot recently anyway.

“It’s true, isn’t it?” Teddy continued. “And I don’t get it. Like you had Roger. Dad had Mum and you had Roger and everything was fine and now it… it sucks.”

“I’m sorry, Teddy. I am. I’m so sorry you got hurt in all of this. I really, really am. If I could take the hurt away from you, I would. All those years… if I could have stopped loving your dad…” Dan couldn’t finish that sentence because he wasn’t sure he would have or could have.

“It’s just it’s stupid. Like you're not even with him now, right? So what’s the point? Why does my mum have to be ‘out with a friend’ right now? I’m not daft. I know she’s on a date.”

“Oh, Ted… I’m…” He wasn’t quite sure what to say. “My parents are divorced too, you know that?”

“Mum and Dad aren’t divorced yet.”

Dan actually didn’t realize that. Usually divorces went through a little faster than this as far as he knew. They did have kids and assets and stuff to figure out though.

“Okay. I just mean that. I know that it’s hard. I was older than you, but it was still hard. Really hard. Harder than I thought it would be. My mum is so much happier now though, and it’s… it’s a good thing to see.”

“Mum’s not happier. She cries a lot.”

Dan rubbed his face. The image of June crying, of Teddy seeing June cry, hollowed out something in his chest. 

“I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t want her going out on dates. I don’t want a ‘new dad’. Evan said—“

“You are only ever going to have one dad. You might have stepdads, but that’s a different thing. Only one real dad.”

It was only after the words came out of his mouth that Dan realized he was including himself in that statement too. He hadn’t thought it through at all, and he shocked himself.

“I hate going back and forth, Dan. I hate it, and I can’t talk to Mum about it because I don’t want to make her sadder and I don’t want to talk to Dad about it because I’m mad at him, and I’m mad at you, and the only person I can talk to is Roger. Why can’t Mum just marry him?”

“What?”

“Seriously, Dan. Why not? Mum likes him. I know she does and he likes her, and it’s better than some gross random guy who comes in here and calls me ‘sport’ or something. Evan’s stepdad calls him sport. It’s so weird.”

“I know your mum better than almost anyone in the world. She’s not going to marry anyone who’d call you sport.”

“But seriously isn’t it a good idea? I’ve been thinking about it. Mum is sad and Roger makes her happier and like Roger is cool and stuff. He also has an airplane. Which is cool too. Don’t you think it’s a good idea?” Teddy was getting a little excited now and Dan felt like he could see the gears turning in Teddy’s head. One thing he’d learned about kids over the years was that their emotions could be all over the map.

“I know you really like Roger. He’s a great guy, and he loves you kids. So much. But, Teddy, Roger’s gay. You know that.”

Teddy frowned and looked down at his knees. “Dad’s straight and he likes you.”

“Your dad’s not straight. I’m not sure exactly how he feels, but you know, there are people like me, who aren’t really concerned about gender when it comes to being in a relationship with someone, and some people are only attracted to certain genders. Like Roger. Roger’s only attracted to men.”

“But—”

“I’m not trying to hurt you, Teddy. I just… I don’t want you getting your hopes up for something that can’t happen, okay? This is going to be hard. I’ve been there. It’s going to be really hard. Don’t tell your mum I said this, but it’s going to be really fucking hard and there aren’t any shortcuts to feeling better about it. We just all need to be there for each other.”

“But no one is here. You’re not.”

“I didn’t think you wanted me to be.”

He frowned. “I didn’t.”

“But you needed me to be anyway?”

Teddy’s head gave a shaky little nod, and then he sniffed. He wiped at stray tear with the back of his hand.

“S-sorry,” Teddy managed.

“Don’t be. Please.”

He sniffed again. “I try not to cry in front of my mum… or anyone.”

“You’re allowed to feel whatever you feel, Ted. It doesn’t just have to be anger.”

Suddenly, Teddy was leaning over and burying his face in Dan’s chest. He could hear the kid’s sobs and then feel them against him. Dan laid his hand on the back of Teddy’s head and held him close. He couldn’t help but think of all those long nights when Teddy was a baby. When it was just the two of them in Dan’s room. He had to be fed every four hours at least, so once a night, Dan would slip off to the kitchen to make a bottle of formula, then he’d come back and scoop baby Teddy into his arms. Dan would prop himself up on his bed and just watch Teddy sleep and suckle on the bottle. Dan wasn’t sure he’d ever felt closer to anyone than he’d felt to Teddy back then. 

It was a really long time before Teddy’s tears stopped and he pulled away a little from Dan. He wiped at his red-swollen eyes. 

“I’m really tired now.”

“Why don’t you get in your pajamas and brush your teeth?” Dan stood up from the bed.

“Okay… yeah… hey Uncle Dan?”

“Yeah, Ted?”

“I think I’m still a little mad at you.”

Dan nodded. “I understand.” It hurt, but he did.

“But, like I don’t think I’m gonna always be mad at you.”

“Good.” Dan smiled. “Because I’m always going to love you. You and your sister and your mum…and your dad too.”

Teddy gave him a cheeky grin. “If you’re ever like my stepdad or something, just don’t call me sport, okay?”

Dan playfully rolled his eyes. “Go to bed, sport.”

Dan was glad he’d been able to talk to Teddy. He’d missed him, and he’d had this sick, sinking feeling in his gut for the last five months that was slowly starting to lift. He was so glad he’d had the courage to knock on that door and walk inside and talk to him.

Chapter 29

Now that both kids were off to bed, Dan didn’t have much to do. It was strange walking around this house, strange seeing Phil’s things missing. He suddenly had the slightly disturbing urge to go look at their old gaming room. To see what bits of it were left.

Phil had only recently started making videos again. Small, fun little things that he thought would make people smile. He never talked about what happened, but their audience had figured it out. Phil was somewhere new and he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring anymore. Dan had to admit he’d watched a few of them.

Now, Dan had kept up the best he could with his, and he’d gotten out at least one a month. He’d made a story time about moving to London. He didn’t mention Roger so he figured that would cover it for their fans. It seemed to, but honestly he hadn’t ventured too deeply into phandom. He was a little afraid of what he might find.

Dan wondered if at some point either one of them would talk about it, but at this point, he definitely didn’t know what to say. Didn’t want to say something before he knew it was permanent.

Before he could stop himself, he was pushing open the door and walking down to the basement. It was empty. Totally, completely empty of all the things that had made DanandPhilGAMES, that had made up this big part of the time Dan and Phil spent together. It was also the place they’d gotten tipsy and played Hungry Hungry Hippos and fallen asleep beside each other. It was also the place where Dan had almost kissed Phil.

Starting to feel a little woozy, Dan knew he couldn’t stay down there anymore. He walked back up the steps and opened the door.

“Ahh!” June shouted.

“Jesus, June. What the fuck? What are you doing back so soon?”

“Ugh, date was a flop.”

“God, I’m sorry. I know you really liked this guy. Or at least thought he was fit.”

“His steak was a little too done—like he’d ordered rare and it was maybe maybe medium rare and he flipped his shit.”

“Asshole,” Dan said. “What did you do?”

“I know, right. I left the waitress a huge tip, called him a wanker and took a cab home.” She let out a sigh as she kicked off her heels. “He was not like that at the office.”

“You work with him?”

June shook her head. “No, he was doing some consulting for the accounting firm next door. Thank God that’s over and I won’t have to see him again.”

“That’s something. Sorry, you had a shit night though.”

June shrugged. “It is what it is. How was your night?”

“Better than I expected. Teddy actually talked to me.”

“Really? I’m surprised. He hasn’t been the most… he’s been kind of pissed at you. And I guess I haven’t really done very much to dissuade him. Not having you around and all that, but it’s been…”

“I get it. You’re not under a moral obligation to invite the man who snogged your husband over to your house.”

June gave him a strange look and then blinked. “Snogged my? Did… did you and Phil kiss? While we were married?”

Dan felt all the blood rush out of his face. “ Fuck, I thought he told you.”

June rested the side of her wrist on the top of her head, her mouth fallen open a little. “Well, shit.”

“I am so sorry, June. I just assumed…”

“Jesus… I guess what the fuck difference does it make? Doesn’t change a damn thing.”

“It was a mistake. If I could take it back, I would. I hurt Roger and I hurt you and it was so goddamn selfish and I’m sorry.”

June took a moment, then let out a breath. “Water under the bridge, mate.”

“What?”

“I mean you were, like, a twat. But we’ve both done some shitty things to each other and I’m tired of losing people and you’re like my brother, Dan. I know that’s weird but you are. You’re family.”

Dan could feel the tears burning at the corners of his eyes. “I feel the same way.”

She snorted. “I’m glad you think of me as a brother. Now, do you have any idea if Roger hid any other bottles of wine about here because I need a drink after all this bullshit.”

Dan was quiet and gave her a tense smile. “What face is that?”

“That’s the face of I don’t think there’s anymore Roger wine, but I might know where Phil hid some—”

“Don’t say it, mate.”

“Strawberry Hill.”

“Oh God. Are we that desperate? Have reached that subterranean level?”

Dan smiled. “Honestly? Probably.”

“Yeah, you go find it while I change out of this dress. Spanx should be classified as a torture device,” June said as he walked off.

Dan headed upstairs to the guest room that used to have this sheets in it but no longer did. He wondered if June had gotten rid of them or if Phil took them with him. That thought made him feel something he wasn’t sure he was ready to feel, so he just dug into the back of the closet, then into an old suitcase. He unzipped it to find the two bottles of Strawberry Hill he expected.

Phil Lester was a dork with a terrible taste in wine.

There it was again, that feeling Dan wasn’t sure he was ready for—a flicker of fond warmth. He pushed it away and headed back downstairs with the bottles. When he got there, June was sitting on the counter in his old Astronaut Cat t-shirt and a pair of grey leggings.

“That’s where that went,” he said.

“Where what went?”

He pointed at June. “My shirt.”

She tugged down on it and looked at the cats. “This was yours?”

“Uh, yeah. How’d you even end up with it?”

“Dunno, mate. We both steal things. I guess it’s why we’re friends.”

“Steal? What did I steal?”

June just stared at him. “You got to be fucking kidding me?”

What? Oh… That was a little. He didn’t expect her to be that open about it. It scared him a little, and he technically didn’t steal Phil anyway. He didn’t have Phil at all.

Dan looked at her for a moment, her eyes were a bit glassy, her cheeks a little rosier than normal. “Did you already have some to drink?”

“I may have had a rum and coke or two. But that does not detract from my sick burn.”

“Just get off of the counter, Sailor Jerry and get some glasses.” He held up the Strawberry Hill.

“Good thing I’m already a little tipsy or I would not be able to stomach that.”

Dan poured the glasses, and though they’d spent many nights of their lives as friends drinking together, they hadn’t done it much recently so the memory of the last time they’d done this came directly to Dan’s mind. He remembered how that night had ended in June’s sleepy apology she’d never fully explained.

“Can I ask you something?” Dan said. “Feel free to hit me if it’s over-the-line.”

“Since the possibility of hitting you is on the table then sure.”

“Do you remember the last night we did this?”

June took a sip of the wine. “Yeah, I’d gotten into a fight with Phil because I’d wanted him to come visit my family instead of staying here… where you were… and I’m starting to realize why he was so intent on staying.”

Dan looked down at the ground. “June…”

“Nah, it’s not news to me, mate. I’ve learned to accept it and I’ve learned that the best way for to do that is to confront it head on.”

“That’s terrifying for me, you know?”

June gave him a cheeky smile. “Suck it up…  what you were going to ask me?”

“No, I mean… I just, I don’t know if you remember this, but right before you fell asleep that night you apologized to me, and I just I want to know what for.”

June finished off the rest of her drink in one gulp. “God that’s disgusting.” She sat down the glass. “I knew you were in love with Phil. I could see it every single time you looked at him… I could see it every single time you looked at me. I should have said something to him or even to you, but I didn’t. I kept my mouth shut because I liked Phil, I was falling for Phil, and it was our baby. I just, at the time, I felt like that trumped everything else.”

“I don’t know if it would have mattered if you said anything, June. He… everything we did back then, we didn’t talk about. We weren’t dating. I lied to myself that we were, that if I just gave him time he’d decide I was something he didn’t have to hide, even from himself. I was wrong.”

“No you weren’t,” June said. “It just took him a really long time to figure it out.”

Dan rubbed his face. “I am way too exhausted to talk about this tonight.”

“Want to watch a movie? Something that will make both of us cry like babies? One of those movies Phil would never watch with us?”

Dan gave her a small smile. “Why not?”

June slid off the counter, wine glass in hand and sloshed some onto Dan’s t-shirt, and a little onto his trousers. “Sorry, mate,” she said.

“Did you do that on purpose?”

“Guess we’ll never know will we.” June shrugged.

Dan ended up curled on the sofa in the dark, wine drying on his clothes, under chunky knit blankets watching Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr breaking each other’s hearts in An Affair to Remember.

“I hate that you got me into these movies.” Dan sniffed, feeling that weird warm-tightness that came from almost crying about fictional characters.

June laughed and leaned toward Dan. He moved his arm so she was lying against his chest. “I hate that it feels like I’m living in one of these movies.”

Dan looked back toward the black-and-white pixels on the screen, and had no choice but to agree.

He woke up the next morning just as the sun was beginning to rise, just as its soft light was peeking through the sheer window curtains. Somehow Dan hadn’t noticed yesterday that June had changed the curtains, that June had changed quite a bit of the decor in this house. It looked more like her—streamlined and classic—and less like a hodge-podge caused by compromise between two people who saw the world and home in profoundly different ways.

Dan felt movement against his chest and looked down to see June waking up. It was probably really fucking strange to fall asleep snuggled up with the woman whose husband who you, in her words, stole, but their relationship had always been weird. Always been characterized by the tug of love and hate at opposite ends rather than the lukewarm indifference of the center.

She let out a yawn. “What time is it?”

“Dunno. Sun’s barely up though.”

“We should probably get up.”

June shook her head, burying her face into Dan’s chest. He tucked her hair behind her ear.

“But it’s cozy here,” she said. “You’re very warm.”

Dan kissed the top of June’s head. God, he was grateful to be here, instead of alone. As much as he talked about wanting to be on a desert island away from people, he understood the value of connection with other people, especially now that he’d lost, or thought he’d lost, all of the most important connections to him.

“I don’t think we want Teddy to come down here and see us cuddled up. He’s confused enough as it is.”

“Our love could flourish you know. If you gave it a chance,” June said, over-dramatically as she scooted up on the couch, so she was no longer leaning against Dan’s chest.

Dan put his fingers under her chin and lifted her face toward him. “Alright, then. Kiss me.”

“Gross,” June said automatically, as he was a hundred percent sure she would.

“And that is why our love cannot flourish.” Dan laughed. “But seriously, we should get up.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She sniffed, then her nose crinkled up. “Not the least of which because you smell.” June sat up. “Take a shower, Howell. And leave the clothes outside the door, I’ll see if I can get out the Strawberry Hill I accidentally spilled on you.”

Dan hopped in the shower, and left his clothes outside. It was nice to wash the last few days away. He hadn’t been the best at keeping up with showering. It was one of the things he tended to let slide in making sure he was getting everything else done, especially because it wasn’t like he ever saw anyone. When he was finished, he realized he hadn’t had any clothes to change into, so he wrapped the towel around his waist and headed down to see if June had any clothes he could borrow. She was big into oversized t-shirts and leggings. There was probably even more in her closet that she had nicked from Dan along way.

He wrapped a towel around his waist and came striding into the kitchen. Right next to the coffee pot, just a few feet from where she was standing, was Phil. Dan’s heart dropped. He was wet, dripping, mostly naked and Phil was just staring at him, looking just as stunned as Dan felt.

“Hi,” Phil managed though his voice sounded tight.

Dan looked to June, like she could somehow help him out in this situation. She gave him a bewildered look. There really wasn’t a prepared standard of behavior for a moment like this.

“Hey,” Dan finally managed. At this moment, it was the absolute peak of his vocal ability.

Now, it was Phil looking to June, and Dan felt distinctly sorry for June to be once again caught in the middle of their inability to function properly around each other.

“He was watching the kids,” June said. “I got back late and he stayed the night.”

“Oh… okay.”

June looked over her shoulder at Dan, then back to Phil. “Sorry, I completely forgot you were taking them early this week.”

“It’s fine,” Phil said. “I just wanted to get them to mum and dad’s before…”

“I know.”

Phil looked at Dan and bit his lip. He looked so… sad. Even now, Dan didn’t like to see him looking that like. “How are you?” Phil asked softly.

“I’m fine.” He wasn’t. Not right now at least. Right now Dan felt like he could barely stand.

“Good. I’m glad.” Phil’s words sounded sincere. Like he really was glad that Dan was doing well, even if he was doing well without him.

“And you?” Dan asked and he felt like the answer was so incredibly crucial that maybe he shouldn’t have answered it at all.

“I miss you,” Phil said without missing a beat, even though June was standing right there. “But I’m doing better than I deserve.”

It wasn’t a perfect answer, Dan thought, but it was the right one.

Phil pivoted towards June and said to her gently, “I’ll come back in a few hours, if that works for you.”

June nodded. “Thanks,” she said. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Phil glanced over at Dan again.

June pointed to the small pink box on the counter. “Thanks for the donuts, Phil.”

“No problem,” he said. “I know you like the sprinkled ones so there’s a bunch.”

With that Phil turned and walked back out of the house. When Dan heard the front door open and close, he leaned back against the wall and covered his eyes with his arm.

“What the hell was that?” June asked.

“Hopefully the moment that precedes my death.”

June blinked. “Do you… you don’t talk to Phil ever do you?”

“I’ve said a couple words to him when I talk to Rosalie but no. I don’t talk to him. I certainly don’t talk to him half-naked in your kitchen.”

“Why are you half naked in my kitchen?”

“Because you took my clothes.”

“Oh yeah.”

“Was that as awkward and horrendous as it seemed to me?”

June opened up the donut box and pulled out a raised donut with pink frosting and sprinkles. “Probably.”

“Thanks.”

She took a bite of the donut. “So, what’s your deal?”

“What do you mean? With Phil?”

“Yeah, like, what are you planning to do there? I mean like I assumed you’d already be.” June put her finger in the donut’s hole and then pulled it back out.

Dan cringed. “Jesus, June. Are you still drunk?”

“No. Just painfully honest. But seriously, you were tongue-hanging-out-of-your-mouth Bugs Bunny crazy for this guy for what? Thirteen years? And now that he’s willing to bang it out, you’re suddenly not into it?”

“Maybe I don’t want to just ‘bang it out’.”

June rolled her eyes. “You know that’s not what I meant. I just find crude euphemism easier to stomach than imagining your fairytale romance, alright?”

“Why are we talking about this at all?”

“Because we’re friends, Dan. We’re close. We almost kissed this morning, remember?”

Dan gave her a flat look.

“Is it because of Roger? Because you feel bad about what happened there? Because you should because Roger is rich and hot and kind and you’re a total fucking buffoon for letting him go.”

“I know.”

“But, still, you can’t just be miserable forever. I mean, he’s not. Sure, he was at first, but he’s out there doing things. We’re going to his gala thing next month in the states. I guess he used to take you—”

“Yeah, it’s fun, June. You’ll have fun.”

“I’m excited. I get to pretend I’m posh for a weekend.” She smiled. “But seriously, he’s fine. And like actually fine, not the fine you just said to Phil—”

“June.”

“He loved you. A lot… like more than makes sense because you’re really not that exciting. But he’s not giving up. He’s even been hanging out with this old friend of his. I’ve met him once, cool guy. He got injured reporting on the conflicts in the middle east. So, like you know…it’s okay.”

Dan knew exactly who June meant, and he felt a little pang of jealousy because that reporter wasn’t a friend of Roger’s. At least he hadn’t always been. If it was who he thought it was, and he was ninety percent sure it was, that reporter was Roger’s first love.

“And like, you know, I’m going out on shit dates and thinking of going back to finish up my philosophy degree. You were always the asshole who made us do New Year’s Resolutions, and yet you seem to be the only one of us not seeing this as what it can be—a new beginning.”

“I don’t like how well you’re handling this.”

June let out a breath. “It’s been a long time, Dan. I still have days where I’m sad. More than I’d like, but I also know it’s getting better. It’s bumpy but trending upward. And that’s my point. Look.” June walked over to the bookshelf and pulled off the family photo album. She trotted over and opened it up.

“Oh my God. You cut me out of every picture.”

“See, I didn’t always handle it well. I had, you know, bad days and… scissors.” June let out a small laugh. “But actually.” She flipped a little further back in the album. “I didn’t cut out of every picture. I calmed down. I felt better. I let five months be five months. I’m not stuck in that moment when Phil told me he was in love with you, that he was leaving me for you. I’m not stuck in that moment anymore. Where are you?”

Dan wanted to laugh at the absolute absurdity of having this conversation in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. Because he could feel its importance settling over him. Could feel how right June actually was. That he had barely moved since that day he’d said no to marrying Roger, since the day Phil had said he loved him and he wanted to be with him. Dan hadn’t moved because he knew the moment he did, there was only one direction he would move in, and it was monumental.

He’d move towards Phil. Of course, he would. But this time, he wanted to do it carefully, deliberately.

“I’m so fucking scared he’s going to break my heart again,” Dan said.

“Yeah, so I guess you do this thing scared or not at all. But you’re probably going to have to decide.”

He knew what decision he needed to make.

Chapter 30

Phil was getting divorced today. It was a hard fact to swallow, even though he had known it was coming. He’d known it for a long time now. He and June had worked together towards a fair settlement that was best for everyone, and they’d come to something they’d both been happy with. Just because they weren’t romantically together anymore, Phil still understood the responsibility he had. Not just with the kids but with June. They had relied and depended on each other for years. Phil wanted, no he needed, June to know that she would always be able to rely and depend on him. Probably now more than ever, now that he finally felt like himself.

It had been a road to get to the point he was at now. Anger and therapy and long, difficult conversations with his parents. He sat in front of them and told them the truth. He didn’t have to. It might not ever functionally matter if he did. But it mattered to Phil. Because what they’d think of him was such a big part of why Phil had been so terrified to just love Dan back the way he’d wanted to all those years ago. He’d loved his parents, they’d loved him. They expected something from him and he was so terrified of letting them down. Of them looking at him the way they’d looked at him when he’d finally sat down in front of them and told them the truth.

“Mum, Dad,” he’d said. “I’m in love with Dan. I always have been.”

They had looked at him like this was some kind of mid-life crisis, like they’d done something wrong. He wondered if it would have been different if he’d told them when there wasn’t two children and a wife in the wake of all this. He wasn’t sure it would have been, maybe just in a matter of degrees.

“I didn’t know you were gay, son,” his dad had said.

“I’m not… I’m like—“ it was the best and easiest way to explain it—“Dan. Gender, sex, whatever, it doesn’t matter to me.”

Phil hadn’t been interested in a lot of people in his life. But he’d known he’d loved and been romantically and sexually attracted June. He had. And Dan—he would love Dan no matter what.

“I… I don’t understand. If you’re not gay, then why leave your wife?”

“Because I’m in love with somebody else.”

His father had narrowed his eyes. “Somebody who doesn’t want to be with you, if I’m following.”

Phil had rubbed a hand over his face. The conversation had been awkward and awful and he wanted it to be over. “It doesn’t matter, Dad. I’m still in love with him.”

His father had shaken his head. “How is this any different than you leaving your wife for some younger and hotter woman? I don’t get the difference, Phil. I don’t get how I’m supposed to sit here and say I support you.”

“You don’t have to support me,” Phil had said and stood up. “I just wanted you to know the truth and understand what’s happening.”

“Phil,” his mum had said gently. “We just don’t want you to throw away your whole life.”

“I’m not,” he said. Because he knew he wasn’t. His parents had their feelings and their reasons, but he knew they were wrong and he was right.

They didn’t support him. They were disappointed in him even. And he survived. As he’d walked out of their house, Phil had felt almost a high, a strange buzz, finally confronting the thing he’d been so scared of just to realize it was over and done now. He’d been afraid of how afraid he’d feel and it had sucked—of course, it had—but it hadn’t been unbearable.

They’d come around too, in the following months. It was different now, but it wasn’t like they hated or abandoned him.

As Phil got dressed and prepared to meet June at the courthouse, he did his best to gather up some of that courage he’d felt after leaving his parents. He could do this as he did that, and he’d do his best to be there for June in any way he could.

When he arrived, she was standing there in a simple blue dress. Her hair was pulled up into a loose bun. She gave him a small smile when she saw him. He’d always liked her smile.

“I’m not late am I,” Phil said.

“No, not at all. I just got here myself.” June let out a breath. “It’s weird. Isn’t it?”

“What?”

“We’re beginning and ending this thing the same way. Life is cyclical, you know. But, hell, at least we know I’m not pregnant.”

He wasn’t sure whether or not to laugh. He didn’t.

They sat in the courtroom and since they had already gone through the process of agreeing on everything, they just needed to wait their turn, wait for the judge to sign the papers and make it official. They sat together near the back. They seemed to be some of the only people sitting together.

“There’s like a weird energy in this room,” Phil whispered.

“It’s Divorce Court, Phil. Not everyone is as chill and modern as we are.”

They endured about an hour of watching other people go through what was probably one of the worst days of their lives before their names were called. The judge agreed to what they’d settled on in mediation with the kids, the assets and alimony and child support. Then, the judge made it official. Phil was no longer a married man.

They left the courthouse in total silence. They were on the steps when one of them finally spoke up.

“How do you feel?” June asked.

“Honestly. I don’t know yet,” Phil replied.

June was quiet for a while and then said, “Do you want to get lunch or something? I feel like I could eat a horse.”

“I don’t know if we can find somewhere to serve horse, but sure.” Phil smiled over at her. “But you’re driving.”

“Duh,” she said with a smile. “I value my own life, you know.”

Phil got in the passenger seat of June’s new car and she drove them to a nearby sushi place. After they’d ordered, June gasped.

“What’s wrong?” Phil asked, a little worried.

“I just realized… we have to split the check. How weird is that?”

Phil snorted. “We don’t have to split the check, June. I’ll buy.”

“No you don’t. If we’re going to be mates, we have to be proper mates. I’m asking the waitress for two checks when she comes back with the food.”

They sat and ate and talked and caught up on their lives. It was more like catching up with an old friend, than it was like anything else. It was a little unsettling, if Phil thought too much about it. But it worked for them, somehow. The time and the distance and finally not forcing each other into the shapes and roles the other was never meant for. It made a difference. By the end of their meal, Phil felt good about what their relationship could be going forward. He had a feeling there would be hard times and setbacks and good days and bad ones, but they were trending in the right direction. Phil believed that probably for the first time in over a decade.

They split the check and paid for their individual meals, then June drove Phil back to his own car. She pulled into the spot beside Phil’s. He was about say goodbye to her, when suddenly she let out a broken gasp and turned her head away from him.

“June? Are you okay?” Phil asked.

June hesitated, but eventually she said, “I don’t know. I just… I wonder why it couldn’t be like this when we were married. I’m sorry.” She let out a breath. “It just doesn’t seem fair.”

“It isn’t fair. I think about the first time we ever went out, and I just remember having a genuinely good time. Like I did today.”

“We were just really meant to be friends, weren’t we?” June drew in a steadying breath. “We spent our whole marriage asking each other for things we needed that the other person didn’t know how to give. Neither one of us was wrong. You know, square peg, round hole.”

Phil rubbed a hand over his face. “Yeah… I wish—”

“No point in wishing, Lester.” June looked over at him. “Let’s just make better decisions going forward, right? All we can do.”

“I love you, you know,” Phil said quietly.

“Yeah, I know. Now, go home.”

Phil let out a quiet laugh. “Alright, alright.” He opened the car door. “See you next Saturday?” he said.

“See you,” June replied.

Phil shut the door and let out breath. He got into his car and waited, watching June as she drove away. It was weird, if he thought about it. Just this morning, he was married and now he wasn’t. But of course, it wasn’t as simple as it looked. Maybe legally it was one moment, but practically, it was so much more than that. It was years and years of slowly untangling a knot that never should’ve been tied in the first place.

Phil drove back to his flat, which always felt particularly empty when the kids weren’t around, but he was even more acutely aware of it today. Of course, he was. He’d just gotten legally divorced. He’d had a long time to get used to the idea, but it was still tough, and he found himself sitting down on his couch, dropping his face into his hands and just sobbing, just letting out everything he hadn’t let himself feel—disappointment, loss, disillusionment. He cried until his eyes burned and his chest ached, and it was all he could do to drag himself to his bed, tuck his way under the covers and ride the whole thing out on the hope that tomorrow he’d wake up and it would hurt less again.

He fell asleep. He woke up. It hurt less.

He did this the next day and it was the same and then the next day it hurt less too. The day after that it hurt more, but not as much as it did at first. Phil had been through this before and he knew the way out. Knew that there was an out because he was telling himself the truth and because he believed in the out, in a tomorrow that was better.

He was having an okay day—the kind that was mostly fine, but would be accompanied by moments of profound sadness that would almost knock him off his feet. But they never actually knocked him over. He was still standing and something about that made it easier and easier to face the next moment when he’d be overcome with that same sense of loss.

Phil was in the middle of making himself a sandwich when he heard a knock at the door. It was rather late and he wasn’t sure who it would be, but he walked over and looked through the peephole in his door. If he was waiting for something to knock him off his feet, this was it.

Dan was standing outside.

He threw open the door without thought. “Dan,” he said, absolutely stunned.

Dan said nothing at first. He had this look on his face as if he was shocked, like he wasn’t even sure how he’d ended up on Phil’s doorstep. For a moment, Phil was totally convinced that Dan would just take off.

He didn’t. He stood there, gripping what Phil now realized was a bottle of Ribena in his left hand.

“Can I come in?” Dan asked softly.

“O-of course,” Phil stumbled over his words as he stepped out of the way to let Dan walk inside.

Phil followed him as he walked. Dan looked incredible, though he always had. But Phil had only recently allowed himself to really think about it, and it was so hard to deny how he felt right now. That lightly tanned skin, the dark array of freckles around his cheeks… and he was so tall and broad-shouldered. And his dark hair was so wavy and soft, Phil couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to have the freedom and opportunity to run his hands through it slowly.

“How have you been?” Phil asked, when he finally figured out how to speak.

Dan turned around and looked at him, his expression still unreadable. “Good days and bad days. You?”

“Good days and bad days.”

Dan nodded, then bit his lip. Neither one of them were speaking as much as they probably should be. Everything felt tentative, so easily breakable. It was terrifying to Phil in a dizzying kind of visceral way.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Phil finally managed to say.

Dan let out a long breath. “I’m scared to be here.”

“I know,” Phil said. “I don’t blame you, but I want to talk. I want to know if we can be friends again.”

Dan sat the Ribena down on the breakfast bar and looked at Phil. “That’s what scares me.”

“What?”

“Being friends again. I don’t know if I can do it. I’ve gone back and forth and I guess it technically makes me a bad person. I know you don’t owe me more than friendship. You never have, even though sometimes I acted like you did. But I’m so terrified that things will turn out like they did before. Not just that we’ll be friends. That’s okay, I think, but I don’t want to go back to that place that we’ve always been in where we don’t know where the other person stands. We’re guessing and in all that guessing, we hurt each other even more.”

“I don’t want that either, Dan. I really don’t,” Phil said. “So what are you saying right now? Are you saying you want to just be friends or are you saying you want more? I want to make sure I know.”

“I think I want more, but it’s scary. We’ve hurt each other and we’ve been through so much and I’m still not sure I trust that you’re not going to hurt me again. That I’m not an experiment or something you’re going to freak out about… where are you?”

“Maybe we should sit down. Is that okay?” Phil looked toward his living room. “You want to sit down.”

Dan gave a small nod. “Want some of this?” He gestured at the Ribena.

“Yeah,” Phil said. “Sounds good.” He missed drinking Ribena with Dan, missed the ritual of it. Pouring the cordial into the glasses, adding the water, mixing it slowly with a spoon.

They walked into the kitchen together.

“Where are your glasses?” Dan asked. There was something gentle about it, familiar and domestic that reminded Phil of a long time ago.

Phil directed him to the cabinet, then Dan pulled out two glasses. Phil mixed some Ribena for them, remembering how Dan liked it, and Phil was still in disbelief that this was happening at all, that Dan was here and open to this conversation. It really hadn’t totally hit him yet. He wondered how he’d feel when it did.

They walked into Phil’s living room and sat down on the sofa together.

“I like your new place,” Dan said. He took a sip of the Ribena and sat it down on the coffee table.

“Thanks. Me too. Where are you living now?”

“London, kind of near our old place. I always liked that neighborhood. Just needed a change,” Dan said. “But, anyway, I don’t want to… I need to talk about what we were talking about before, even if it’s fucking terrifying.”

Phil nodded. He hadn’t meant to distract from it. “Of course.”

“So where are you now? After everything? I’m curious… what do you want?”

“You,” Phil said easily.

Dan drew in a sharp breath, and sat up straighter.

“I’m sorry. I’m really just trying to be honest with you. I love you, Dan. I’m in love with you. That hasn’t changed. It won’t change.”

“You can, um, understand why that’s hard to believe, can’t you?”

“I can. And I understand if you can’t ever give me another chance, but to be honest, I really, really want you to.”

Dan shut his eyes and after a moment’s pause said, “I want to. I’m trying.”

Phil felt hope rise, warm and quick, in his chest.

“But I need to go slow, I think, and I need to talk things through and I need to be able to ask you a question and get an honest answer, not just the answer you think I want to hear. And I want to be able to tell you how I feel. What do you want?”

“I want that too. I want the kind of honesty and openness we never had because I was scared.”

“I was scared too. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I wanted to figure it out together and I think you needed to figure it out on your own. I think that might have been part of the problem.”

“You’re probably right. I’m so so sorry I hurt you, Dan. You deserved so much better than that. I know you did.”

Dan let out a breath. “And honestly, Phil, I‘ve been thinking a lot about this. It’s one of the reasons I decided that I was ready to come here. You thought I was okay with just being friends. I wasn’t and I let you believe I was, often with the hope that maybe you’d change your mind. That could convince you otherwise, even when you were with June. It’s why I kissed you when I shouldn’t have. I should have talked to you, not kissed you. I should’ve always talked to you instead of kissing you.”

Phil looked down at the floor between his feet. “Instead of?”

“First,” Dan said. “I should’ve talked about it with you first. Back then and now. That’s what I want to do now. But I also don’t want to talk and talk in circles and never do and just spiral back into the way things were before.”

“Like slip into our friend roles because it’s easier?”

“You’ll always be my best friend, Phil. Always and I don’t want to lose that, but I want it not just be that. Because I think it isn’t just that.”

“It’s not,” Phil said. “I’ve always loved you. I’ve always been in love with you. I just didn’t know how to express it, what to do with it.”

“And now?”

“And now, I’m ready, Dan. I don’t know what I’m doing exactly. I’ve never been with a man and I’m a little intimidated, after you’ve been with someone like Roger, but I’m ready for all of it. I truly, truly am. I’m not scared of it. I’m scared of not ever having it. That’s my fear now.”

“So.” Dan let out a breath. “How on earth do we do this?”

“Try to remember who we are together, I think. The good parts, and we work on the parts that didn’t work, and we’re open and honest about what we want.”

Dan nodded. “I don’t know if this means… like I’m still not in a place where I can say that this is going to work. There’s a lot of water under the bridge, you know?”

“I know. I really do.” Phil shut his eyes to bolster up the courage he needed this moment. “You said you wanted me to be honest about what I wanted? Can I ask you something?”

“What is it?” Dan asked, his head tilted slightly.

“I really… if you’re not ready or whatever, please tell me the truth, but what I want right now is… God, Dan. Can I hold your hand?” Phil let out a breath. “I’m sorry. That was a weird way to ask. I’m making it weird.”

Phil gasped as he felt warmth against his cool fingers. It was Dan, touching him again, reaching out for him. Dan flipped Phil’s hand over and pressed their palms together. They locked fingers and held on tight.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Dan said quietly. “Every single day, one way or another.”

“Me too.” Phil gave him a small smile.

“I can’t believe I’m holding your hand. I can’t believe you want me to. That we’re not pretending it didn’t happen or that you don’t want me to.”

“I want to.” Phil smoothed his thumb back and forth over Dan’s again. “I’m not pretending anymore.”

Chapter 31

Dan wasn’t sure what had possessed him to come to Phil’s house. It just hit him out of the blue as he’d been playing a round of Mario Kart alone. He missed Phil a lot, and he didn’t have to go on missing Phil. At least maybe not. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected when he’d walked up to Phil’s new flat, holding a bottle of Ribena. He just decided to take the leap and let whatever was going to happen, happen.

He hadn’t known Phil’s exact address, so it had been awkward, but he’d had no choice but to text June.

Dan: hey, um, can i ask you for a favor?

June: I don’t know. Can you?

Dan: seriously?

June: Sorry, mate. I’m a mum. What’s up?

Dan: maybe don’t hate me but what’s Phil’s address

June: *sigh*

Dan: fuck. what’s wrong with me? i shouldn’t have asked. i’m an idiot.

June: I mean, yes you’re an idiot, but here ya go anyway

The next thing June had sent Dan was Phil’s address. He didn’t live too far from June’s. He’d stayed in the school’s catchment area as far as Dan could tell.

Dan: Thanks.

June: Just don’t get pregnant. Learned that the hard way.

So Dan went out and bought that bottle of Ribena and followed the directions to Phil’s house. Knocking on that door had been one of the hardest and scariest things he’d ever done in his life, but somehow he’d managed to do it anyway.

When Phil opened the door, he’d wanted to run. It was easier, he thought, to exist in the space of this thing with Phil always being possible, but for it to actually happen, for them to actually, maybe, try, if Phil still wanted that. Then, that also meant it could fall apart again. But when he stopped and looked at Phil, his eyes wide, his messy hair, the way his t-shirt clung to his shoulders. Dan felt that electric surge again—that attraction—he hadn’t let himself feel since the day he’d kissed Phil. Here it was again, alive and burning.

They’d talked and held hands and watched some anime, and eventually, Dan dragged himself away because it was too much and he needed to process it alone, sort it all out. It had ached to untangle their fingers and say goodbye, but he’d done it because he’d needed to do it.

Later that night, when he was curled up in his own bed, Dan got a text from Phil.

Phil: I’m so glad you came today. You have no idea.

Dan: i’m glad too.

Phil: I already miss you.

Dan: same. you doing anything tomorrow?

Phil: :)) Nope. Wide open.

Dan held the phone to his chest. He was warm and tight all over. It was scary but it was good. He could fight through the fear with the hope that one day it would only be good and not scary at all.

And now, he couldn’t believe that he was already knocking on Phil’s door again. It hadn’t even been eighteen hours.

Phil threw open the door. “Hey!”

“Hi, um, I keep showing up unannounced. I should stop doing that.”

“I don’t mind, Dan. You’re always welcome, you know that. But if you gave me a heads-up, I could make sure I was presentable.” Phil patted his own hair down. It was sticking up in a few places. It was pretty cute.

“You always look good,” Dan said, softly.

Phil stepped out of the way and Dan took that as invitation to head on inside.

“Is that a new shirt?” Phil asked.

Dan looked down at the long black t-shirt he was wearing. “Yeah, actually.”

“You look… incredible. Black suits you.”

“Matches my soul.”

Phil looked at him and there was unveiled heat in it. “I like your dark soul.”

Dan shivered. He wondered if he’d ever get used to Phil being open about his feelings. Probably, Dan thought. But there was a long road ahead of him before that happened. All they’d done the night before was hold hands and that had felt like so much Dan thought he was going to split apart from it. Like he just couldn’t contain everything that was building up inside him and between them.

“Do you want to order take-away and find something new to binge on Netflix?” Dan asked.

Phil smiled at him. It was full and bright, totally focused on him, and Dan wasn’t sure he’d ever seen anything like it before.

They ordered Indian takeaway and ate, watching some new Netflix original, their shoulders pressed together. Dan was acutely aware of the contact, though he didn’t think it was in a particularly sexual way. It was more than that, it was gentle and intimate. Romantic. Dan wasn’t quite sure what to do with that revelation.

When the episode ended, Phil collected their food rubbish and carried it off to the bin. Moments later, he was sitting back down beside Dan, even closer, if that were possible. Dan could smell him—sweet and familiar—and he wanted to breathe and breathe until all the oxygen in his body was just replaced with this, with Phil.

“Up for another episode?” Phil asked, looking at Dan.

Dan smiled, a light flutter between his ribs. “Definitely.”

Phil started up the episode. A few minutes in he yawned and leaned in a little. Dan wasn’t sure if this was a good idea, but Phil looked a little warm and sleepy and he was leaning like he might want to rest his head on Dan’s shoulder. Dan gathered up as much courage as he could and stretched his arm out over the back of the couch. He didn’t touch Phil, just left his arm stiff behind him on the top of the couch.

Phil—God bless him—seemed to understand what Dan was doing and seemed to understand that he couldn’t ask Dan to go further, not right now. Right now, they needed to keep meeting each other halfway. Phil slid in, relaxing and leaning his head on Dan’s chest. He let out a breath and brought his own harm down and in, tucking Phil in even closer. He played with the sleeve of Phil’s t-shirt. It was a strange moment, so impossible Dan thought, but at the same time, inevitable.

They sat there like that for a while, just leaning against each other. Dan didn’t know something could be so tense and comfortable at the same time, but this was. This was so many things at once. When the episode ended, Dan asked quietly, “Sorry, I need to use your toilet.” He pulled his arm from around Phil and stood.

Phil smiled up at him, a gentle and warm thing. “It’s just past the kitchen.”

Dan gave him a small nod then walked off to use the toilet, when he came out, the television was off.

Dan furrowed his brow. “Everything alright?”

“Of course,” Phil said. “I just thought we could talk.”

“About what?”

“I don’t know. Anything. Catch up. After last night, I just don’t want to slip back into not talking about things, you know.”

Dan nodded. “You’re right. It’s just kind of weird, you know.”

“It is. But we’ve been through weirder.”

Dan laughed. He’d almost forgotten how much Phil could make him laugh with just the simplest little things, things that weren’t even really funny.

“So, sit down, Dan. Please. Talk to me.”

“How has it been? I mean, I know it’s been hard. But with the kids…” Dan asked as he sat back down with Phil on the couch. “Sorry if that’s too—

”No, Dan. It’s fine. It’s been a lot. Teddy’s gone back and forth. You know, some days it’s like he hates my guts and other days we’re just fine. Or like he forgets moment to moment to be mad at me.”

“I’m so sorry.” Dan’s stomach clenched. He hated that Phil was going through that with his kids. Hated that any of it might be his fault.

“It’s okay… I mean, it will be. I have to believe that. He’s definitely less mad than he used to be, so there’s that. I haven’t seen him since the divorce was final. I don’t know if that will change anything.”

“Shit, I should’ve asked you about that earlier. You okay?”

“I think I’m as okay as I possibly could be, you know.” Phil let out a breath. “So how have you been? I mean the last time we talked… well, before yesterday…”

Dan tensed. “You mean Roger…”

“Yeah, it’s just you said…”

“That I was in love with him.”

Dan could see the hurt on Phil’s face, but Phil just nodded.

“I feel like that’s something that maybe we should talk about,” Phil said.

“I’m not in love with him anymore, Phil. If that’s what you mean. He’s not in love with me either.” Dan didn’t know that for sure, but he was sure enough. Time had passed and they’d kept their distance from each other. Besides, he’d heard from June that Roger had at least been talking to his old uni boyfriend.  “We’ve both moved on. It’s for the best.”

“I know it’s still hard though, even if things weren’t great for either of us most of the time. There was still so much life and history there, even between the four of us.”

Dan nodded. “I miss weekly dinners a lot.”

Phil smiled. “June getting tipsy and dancing with Roger.”

“Things got weird during charades sometimes, didn’t they?”

Phil leaned back and laughed. It was so full and light. He missed that laugh so much. He settled down and let out a breath. “We had some good times…”

“Those years weren’t a waste. It’s easy to think we should have done something differently but I don’t know. It was hard, but I also loved it. I loved the weird fucking family we’d built.”

Phil sniffed and wiped at his eye with the back of his hand. “Sorry. I feel like I cry so easily nowadays.”

“It’s fine, Phil. It’s good to feel things. Even bad things.”

Phil looked at Dan, his lips curled softly. “I don’t want to feel bad things right now. Not when I feel so good.” He let out a breath, then reached out to place a hand on Dan’s knee. Dan stared down at where their bodies were connected. Dan laid his hand over Phil’s and started to play with his fingers.

“I love being able to touch you like this.” Dan voice was so small he could barely believe he was speaking. “I know it’s not a lot, but I think that’s almost what I love so much about it.”

“I know what you mean. We never let ourselves do that. Not even when—“

“I don’t think I’m ready to talk about that, Phil. I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t be sorry. I do think we’ll need to talk about it eventually, but we definitely don’t need to talk about it now.”

Dan nodded. “I know we do. We will.” He let out a breath. “How do you feel about watching another episode?”

Phil looked down and bit his lip. “As long as we’re sitting like we were earlier.”

Dan rolled his eyes, but he knew Phil could see the playfulness in it. Because he knew Phil. He always would. Dan stretched his arm out behind Phil again. Phil immediately, easily, tucked in against his chest. Dan could only describe the feeling he felt in this moment as relief, a tension he’d been holding in his body for a decade beginning to melt away.

Phil started up another episode and they stayed there like that for hours. Dan loved the weight against his chest, loved being able to fiddle with Phil’s hair, push it down over his forehead.

“Hey, Dan,” Phil’s voice was a near whisper between episodes.

“What?”

“Do you think… maybe we could go out to dinner sometime? I have the kids starting tomorrow, but the week after, I’d just I’d like to take you out to dinner.”

Dan’s eyes fluttered shut. “You want to take me out on a date?” he joked to cover up the nervousness he felt rising under his skin.

“Yes, Dan.” Phil pulled away a little, to look right at Dan. “Can I take you out on a date?”

“Yeah, but you’re buying.” Dan grinned.

Phil leaned in a little, and for a second, Dan thought Phil was going to kiss him, but he stopped short and snuggled back against Dan’s chest.

“Start the next one,” Phil said. “I need to know what happens next.”

Dan was really excited to find out what was going to happen next too, not just with the show, but with everything. It felt now like his life really had a next that he could be excited for.

Dan didn’t remember falling asleep there on the couch, but he did. It was pretty late when he felt a hand brush through his hair.

“Dan, sorry to wake you.”

“Mmph.”

Phil ran his hand through Dan’s hair again. The touch shivered warm through his body. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long. I love your curls.”

Dan blinked and smiled. He was half-asleep and not entirely unconvinced he wasn’t dreaming that Phil was knelt by the couch, looking at him like that and running those nice fingers through his hair.

“It’s pretty late. You want to wake up and eat dinner? I made a pizza.”

Dan yawned and sat up. “Yeah. Feed me.”

Phil leaned forward with a soft sigh and kissed Dan softly on the forehead. It was warm and just a little wet. Dan couldn’t help but smile, even if the smile was small.

They ate pizza, and finished up the episode Dan had fallen asleep during.  When they were done, Dan knew it was time for him to start heading home, but he really, really didn’t want to go.

“It’s pretty late,” Dan said, quietly.

Phil nodded. “Did you need to go?”

Dan hesitated. “I mean… not really.”

“Did you want to go?”

It was a little scary to say, but Dan had promised himself and Phil that he’d be honest. “Definitely not.”

“If you want to stay, I can sleep out on the sofa. Or in Teddy’s room, I guess. Though he might mind…”

“Do you want to sleep out on the sofa? Because you don’t have to.”

“I’m not making you sleep out on the—”

“Phil. I mean, I don’t mind sharing a bed with you.”

“ Oh. ”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Phil nodded.

“I’m not saying… I’m not ready for… fuck, I’m making this awkward.”

Phil shook his head. “You’re not. Not at all. I want to talk about this. We need to make sure we’re talking about this stuff.”

“Right. Well, I just need some more time before we do... anything like that.”

“Like sex?”

Dan let out an awkward laugh. “Why is it so hard to talk about sex with you?”

“Because we never have.”

“I need some more time and we need to talk more before, but I do, you know, eventually want to do that. Do you?”

Phil smiled at Dan, a smile that lit up his whole face. “Yes, Dan. I want to have sex with you.” He placed a hand on Dan’s cheek, ran his fingers softly under Dan’s cheekbones. “Want to get ready for bed?”

“Yeah.”

They walked together back to Phil’s room. Phil led him there, their hands intertwined.

“I’ve got some pajamas you can borrow if you want.”

“I usually just sleep in my pants,” Dan replied, softly, “but if that makes you uncomfortable.”

Phil just shook his head. “No… it definitely doesn’t make me uncomfortable.”

“I need to, um, undress.”

“I can go.”

“Or…” Dan could barely believe he was saying this. It was probably a little farther than he needed to push things right now, but he’d waited so long, over a decade. He wanted to make sure he appreciated moments like this when he had them. “You could watch me, if you wanted.”

Phil’s eyes shut, then slowly reopened. “God, Dan. Please. ”

Dan slowly pulled his shirt over his head as Phil’s eyes were on him, locked on him, like he was the only thing in the whole world. His heart was pounding wildly in his chest as he unbuttoned his jeans and began to work them down his thighs. He was half-hard. This wasn’t good. It felt good, but he didn’t know how good he could be.

He had to sit down on the edge of Phil’s bed to work the jeans the rest of the way off. Phil was still watching, like he was something to study and memorize.

Dan looked over at Phil. “You want to take yours off.”

Phil nodded and Dan took in every inch of skin as Phil revealed it to him. It had been so long since he’d seen this man’s body. It had gotten more angular with age… in the best way… he was fit and lovely, some of the hair on his chest a salt-and-pepper grey. Dan’s mouth went dry as he watched Phil tug his joggers down his legs, revealing more and more so slowly that it had Dan almost completely hard in his pants.

Fuck.

Phil was hard too. Dan couldn’t keep his eyes off that obscene bulge between his legs. God, he’d forgotten how ridiculously big Phil was.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked, his voice sounded wrecked.

“I’m… I’m hard, but yeah.”

“Me too.”

“I noticed.” Dan felt burning heat on his cheeks.

“Maybe I should sleep out on the couch. I don’t want us to feel tempted to do anything you’re not ready for.”

Dan looked over at him. “What are you ready for?”

“Everything.”

Dan groaned and laid back on the bed. “You can’t just say that.” He looked down at himself, the tip of his cock was poking out from underneath the waistband of his boxer-briefs. He glanced over at Phil, Phil was slack-jawed, staring right at it.

“Phil…”

He turned away. “God. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Dan let out a small laugh. “You think we can calm down or is that not going to happen?”

Phil let out an audible breath his shoulders moving with it. A few moments passed, then Phil said, “I’m good. You?”

Dan looked down at his cock still pushing past his waistband. He tucked himself back in as best he could. “Give me a minute, Lester.

“Okay.”

Dan laid there, thinking of anything besides Phil’s naked body and eventually his arousal faded out. Mostly.  “Okay. I’m good.”

Phil turned back toward him, and they just looked at each other for a moment. Dan felt like he could read Phil’s mind. Like they were thinking the exact same thing. Finally.

They finished getting ready for bed--Phil let Dan borrow a toothbrush-- and then tucked themselves away under the covers. Together. Together.

“Good night, Dan,” Phil said softly.

Dan drew in a deep breath. He could not believe he was actually here. In this bed, with Phil. Like he’d absolutely always wanted to be.

“Good night, Phil,” he finally replied, even though good didn’t even begin to cover it.

Chapter 32

Phil woke up the next morning to an arm thrown over him, to quiet and gentle snores. There was a moment, a brief moment when he wondered if he was still asleep. He’d had this dream many times before. Once he pushed through the grogginess, however, he remembered that this wasn’t a dream. This was fully-awake, fully-real actual life. Dan was in Phil’s bed—wearing his pants and nothing else. Phil was the little spoon to Dan’s big spoon, cocooned in soft, warm arms—bare skin on bare skin.

He could feel more than just bare skin. He could feel Dan’s hardness pressed against him. He bit his bottom lip, ignoring the instincts inside him that made him want to roll his hips back, to encourage Dan’s arousal, to feel it with intent rather than as a simple side effect of an unconscious drifting together.

Phil heard a quiet noise in his ear. It was light and breathy and it was followed by the arm draped over him shifting, pulling him in tighter.

“Morning,” Dan said. His voice was deeper in the mornings, gruffer, and the sound alone was enough to make Phil grow hard too.

“Good morning,” Phil said, his voice tight. He wasn’t sure the proper response right now. A part of him wanted Dan to take the lead. He never wanted to push Dan, but at the same time, he didn’t want Dan to feel as if they were slipping back into their old roles, like Phil didn’t want him and was just going along with things. It made him shudder to even think Dan might think that now. “I like waking up with you,” he added.

“We haven’t done it enough. Not since that first apartment in Manchester where you only had one bed.”

Phil turned over in Dan’s arms.  “And you’d come over to do your laundry.” It was just laundry once a week at first, then twice a week, then the stove in Dan’s kitchen wasn’t working and there was always someone’s hair in the shower and it was gross, and Dan had filled the empty drawer in Phil’s bathroom.

“That was when we…” Dan’s voice trailed off.

Phil’s stomach did a flip. “I thought you weren’t ready to talk about that.”

Dan hesitated, and Phil used that silent moment to look back at Dan’s face, at the expressiveness of his brown eyes, at the beautiful crinkles that had formed at their corners.

“I think I’m ready to talk about it a little,” Dan said.

Phil gave a small nod. “Okay…”

“I just… it was so confusing for me.”

“I never… it was confusing for me too, but at the time, I don’t know, I felt like it wasn’t for you. Like you knew exactly what you were doing and I didn’t stop and question things enough.”

“I was, though. I was confused.”

“I know, Dan. I know that now—and I’m sorry.” Phil wasn’t sure this was the right thing to do but it felt right so he laid his hand on Dan’s cheek.

Dan’s eyes fluttered shut. “I could have asked questions too though. Neither one of us dealt with it how we should have.”

“I think we were both too scared.”

“Yeah…”

Phil swallowed. “I’d never watched gay porn before that afternoon, like never like that. I’d only seen people try to use it to like be stupid or gross, like at uni. I don’t know.”

“That’s why you shouldn’t look at a guy’s browser history, mate.”

“It was an accident!”

“You’re still using that argument.” Dan laughed.

“It’s the truth,” Phil’s voice cracked a little.

Dan laughed again. “Whatever you say.” He sobered up a little, then continued, “Walking in on you with your hand in your jeans, watching two men fuck on my laptop is still one of the hottest moments of my life.”

Phil’s cheeks went immediately hot. “ Dan. ”

“What it was? And you practically jumped out of your skin when you saw me.”

“How long were you actually watching me then?”

“Not that long. Longer than I said I was back then though.”

Phil’s throat was tight, his cheeks were even hotter and his heart pumping fast. He remembered that moment. He’d never forget it.

“You told me to keep going, “ Phil said. “You sounded so confident and… and sexy.”

“I wasn’t confident at all. I was in a state of shock and just blurted it out.”

There really was an issue with communication between them, right from the very beginning.

“And then you just stood there and watched me.”

“I mean I wanked it out hard in the shower later, but yeah.” Dan swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing, then he bit his lip. “Can I say something that might be a little much?”

“You can tell me anything you want, Dan.”

“You look so incredible when you come. I can still picture it even after all these years.”

“ Dan.”

Dan looked down. “You said it wouldn’t be too much.”

Phil lifted Dan’s gaze back to him with gentle fingers on Dan’s chin. “It’s not. I’ve just got a little bit of a situation here.” He took a risk and scooted in a little, touching his hardness to Dan’s thigh.

Dan hissed. “Fuck. We’ve been getting ourselves into a lot of situations recently.”

“I guess--” Phil said darkly--“we just have to figure out how we want out.”

Dan squeezed his eyes shut. “You know what I want to say… but, but I can’t say it yet.”

“Okay. I mean, it’s totally fine, but I’m just worried about… I want to know what you’re thinking and you don’t owe me a reason. I don’t mean that, I just mean… bad communication fucked things up before and—”

“I’m still scared you’re going to change your mind, especially if we get any further than we already have.”

“I won’t.”

“How can you know that? How can I ?”

Phil cast his gaze down. “I guess you can’t. Not unless you try and see.”

Dan pushed his fingers back through Phil’s hair. “I’m not ready… not yet. If it goes badly, then I lose this. Call me selfish. But I’m not ready to let it go. I’ve waited too long.”

“It sounds cheesy, but I’ll wait forever for you, you know?”

“You know what, Phil?” Dan smiled. “That does sound cheesy. Now get out of bed and go make me breakfast.”

Phil wanted to lean in, to press his lips against Dan’s forehead but he resisted the temptation. He slid out of bed, pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms, then walked into the kitchen. He opened the cabinet where he kept the cereal and pulled out an unopened box of Crunchy Nut. For the last few months, he’d kept the box on hand just in case, just on the slim possibility there could have been a moment like this one someday. Phil had even fought through the desire to open the box and eat it himself. He was waiting for this. For a “this” he couldn’t have been sure would ever come, but it had. It was here. Now.

Phil mopped at the corner of his eye with his finger—a single tear had escaped.

He pushed through the tightness in his chest to finish up their bowls of cereal and walk back into his bedroom.

Dan was sat up in the bed, propped up on some pillows, his curls an absolute tangled mess, and he was shirtless. Shirtless.

Phil felt his mouth go dry. God, Dan was absolutely stunning. How had he shoved these feelings so far down for so long? Now that they’d risen to the surface they seemed too big, too powerful, to have ever existed in the shadows even for a second.

Phil handed Dan the bowl and then sat down beside him in the bed.

“Mmm…” Dan said, his mouth full. “I missed this. I’ve been on a health kick. Been eating avocados and eggs for breakfast.”

Phil laughed, taking a bite of his own. “I’m glad I could pull you back over to the dark side.”

Dan nudged him gently, their bare shoulders pressing together. “So, um, when do you have to go get your kids?”

“Eleven.”

Dan looked down at his phone screen. “It’s nearly ten, mate. We slept in.”

“Dammit.” Phil felt his stomach drop a little. He was excited to see his kids, but he also wanted this. “I was looking forward to a three hour breakfast remake.”

“Me too. I’m… I’m going to miss you,” Dan said quietly.

“You don’t have to leave, you know. I’m sure the kids would like to see you.”

“I’d love to see them. It’s just I’m a little worried about confusing or upsetting them right now. Can we give it a little more time? Is that okay?”

Phil was disappointed because the last thing he wanted was for Dan to leave, but he understood. He nodded.

“Can I call you this week?” Phil asked.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

“And maybe next week, when the kids are at June’s again, I could take you out? Are you still up for that?”

“Only if you pay,” Dan said, that beautiful smile stretching across his face.

Phil smiled back at them, and there was a tension there. A warm tension and Phil imagined it, leaning in, closing that distance, bringing their mouths together. Warm, wet, wonderful. But Dan looked away, tucking into his cereal again. A missed opportunity, Phil thought, then set the thought aside. He’d find another opportunity. He had to.

They finished up eating and Dan pulled on his clothes from the night before as Phil threw on a new outfit of his own. Black jeans and his deep red shirt with the small hearts.

When they were in the living room again—the front door in plain sight—Phil looked over at it, and then at Dan again.

“You really don’t have to go,” Phil said. “The kids will understand that we’re friends again.”

“I don’t want to go, but I really think I should and it’s not like I won’t be back. I’ll definitely be back.”

Phil’s throat tightened as he gave a little nod. “Okay. I’m glad you came by.”

Dan bit his lip and nodded, his gaze trained on Phil. “Me too.”

They stood there like that in Phil’s living room, just looking at each other, and Phil wondered if he was alone in this, or if Dan could feel the same strange, warm rising in his chest. Eventually, Dan pivoted away and started walking toward the front door.

Dan was reaching for the handle when Phil couldn’t help himself.

“Wait,” he called out. There was a slight crack in his voice. He felt like he was cracking all over.

Dan turned back just as Phil was crossing the floor faster than he should have been able to. Suddenly, he was near to Dan. Within arm’s reach.

“Phil, what are you—”

“I want to kiss you,” Phil blurted. “I don’t know if you’re ready for that so I won’t just do it… but I want you to know. I want to. Right now.” Phil let out a breath. “I want to kiss you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

It was true. Every single part of him. Down to the last molecule. The last atom. Each singing electron in his body was calling out for this. For Dan. For Dan’s kiss.

“Then kiss me,” Dan said.

Phil leaned up, that tiny bit he needed to, and slid his hand over Dan’s cheek and into his hair. He pressed their foreheads together, let their noses bump, let himself breathe in the familiar scent he’d come to think of as simply Dan. He wasn’t in a rush. He wasn’t going to lose his nerve. He didn’t need nerve to kiss Dan. Not anymore. Not now that he understand that what he’d been afraid of had never truly been anything to fear.

He felt Dan’s hands grip his t-shirt, pull him in. Still their mouths weren’t touching. He knew Dan was waiting for him. They’d kissed before. On Phil’s porch last year and back in Manchester and in London, but every kiss—every last one—had been initiated by Dan.

But not this one. Not this time.

This time, Phil kissed Dan.

This time, the sheer force of what Phil felt didn’t surprise him. It didn’t scare or intimidate him. He welcomed it. Welcomed the flash flood pouring from Dan’s body into his.

He opened his mouth, and let Dan slip a tongue between his teeth. He licked back, feeling it, asking for more with a hand on Dan’s neck pulling him in, with another on his hip. Dan was backed against the door and Phil had his thigh between Dan’s legs and Dan’s hands were slipping under his shirt and he could feel each individual finger singeing his skin.

Phil wanted to drag Dan into the bedroom, to back him against the bed and strip off his clothes and plant kisses all over his body. He wanted to feel them together in all the ways they’d been missing out on. He wanted to show Dan there was nothing to be scared of anymore.

Dan moved his mouth away from Phil’s, kissed along his jawline and to his neck. He loved when Dan did this. He’d never had the courage to say it before. But he loved it. The pressure, the heat. All of it.

“D-dan,” Phil managed. “Do you want to… go to the bedroom?”

Dan let out a low groan. Phil could feel the vibrations against his skin. “Yes.”

“Thank God.” Phil gripped onto the front of Dan’s shirt and tugged him forward as Phil backed up, kissing Dan again.

Dan ducked away from his kiss, and Phil felt the earth start to shift.

“We can’t, Phil.”

“ Oh…” He dropped his gaze.

One of Dan’s hands came up to Phil’s cheek. He leaned into the touch.

“Not now,” Dan said. “You have to go get the kids and I want us to be able to take our time.”

Phil was disappointed, but he also knew Dan was right. Phil wanted all the time in the world to make Dan feel as good as possible, as loved and wanted and precious as possible. He didn’t want a quick fuck and that’s what this would have to be.

“I’m going to miss you this week,” Phil said, pouting.

Dan gave him a gentle kiss on the lips. “I’ll miss you too. We’ll talk though, we’ll text. It’ll be like those early days when we were apart, huh.”

“Except you can be certain of what all my flirtatious comments mean.”

“Can I?” Dan asked, his voice low.

It hurt that Dan still didn’t fully trust him, but Phil understood it. He knew it would take more time, more discussion, more evidence that Phil wasn’t running away or backing down to get Dan to truly let down all his walls.

“You can.”

“What do they mean?”

Phil smiled. “That I love you, that I’m in love with you. That I think you’re so goddamn fit. That I want to kiss you and touch you. All of you.” He swept a finger just beneath the band of Dan’s jeans. His skin was so soft there.

“I have to go,” Dan said, his cheeks blushed. “If I don’t get out of here now. You’re going to kill me.”

It was hard letting go of Dan, but Phil managed it. Dan spared him another glance before he walked out of the front door. Phil leaned back against the door and let out a breath to steady himself. For a moment, he wondered what this feeling was and then he realized what it was. Relief.

He gathered himself up, got the keys and headed over to pick up the kids. It still felt weird that this wasn’t his house anymore. That the one next door wasn’t Dan’s and Roger’s, that he had to knock and wait, rather than just use his key to go on inside.

June opened the door. “Hey Phil.”

“Hey, how are you?”

“Good. Glad you’re here. I’m trying to pack and the kids are running amok.”

“You’re going with Roger to that charity gala in the states, right?”

“Yeah, we leave in the morning. I already spent an hour tearing apart the bedroom looking for my passport.” June started walking down the entryway and Phil followed her.

“Did you find it?”

“Rosie had taken it. It was with some of her play money.”

Phil could hear wild stomping ricocheting throughout the house, and the sound of his kids voices. When he didn’t have the kids, it was always a little too quiet.

“So, anyway,” June said. “Take the little monsters. Let them destroy your house for awhile.” She turned towards him when she stepped out of the entry way and into the space between the living room and the kitchen. Her brow furrowed together and her gaze locked in on Phil’s neck. She reached out and pulled his collar a little out of the way before dropping it and stepping back, mouth open. “Damn.”

Phil threw his hand up to his neck, the realization dawning on him. Dan’s strong, hot bites must have left behind a bit of evidence. “June, I…”

“Dan?”

“June, look…”

She turned away, taking a few steps, then put her hands on the edge of the kitchen counter. She let out a long breath, paused then drew in an even longer one.

“Are you… are you okay?” Phil asked, his voice low.

“I’m fine. I don’t know… it just hit me harder than I thought, to actually see it like that. I’m sorry.”

Phil raked a hand through his hair. “God, please don’t apologize. I didn’t realize—“

“It’s okay. You don’t have to… and I mean, it’s not like I haven’t since—”

“You have?”

She frowned at him. “I’ve dabbled.”

It stung a little, even if it wasn’t logical. He guessed he now somewhat knew how June felt seeing the pink bruise Dan’s mouth had left behind.

“I knew he’d come over to yours,” June said. “He asked me for your address.”

“Oh.”

“So, I shouldn’t be surprised.” June shook her head. “We’re going to have to get used to this, aren’t we?”

Phil nodded. “I think so.”

After a moment of silence—besides the kids stomping around—June said, “I’m weirdly happy for you though. It doesn’t make sense because I also hate it, but you and Dan… it makes sense. Perfect sense.”

“Thanks…” Phil replied quietly.

June gave Phil a curt nod, then cleared her throat. “Kids! Get down here now. Your dad’s here.”

Chapter 33

It took Dan getting all the way back to his London flat before finally, finally, freaking out about what had just happened. He kissed Phil. No. Phil had kissed him, and it had been… it had been the best kiss he’d ever had. Even counting all the other times they’d kissed. He could tell Phil wasn’t holding back this time. Phil had wanted more. He’d been leading Dan back to the bedroom… Dan shivered warmly at the thought. It was for the best, but it was weird to think that had he not said ‘not yet’, he would have had sex with the Phil for the first time. He could probably technically count the one time he blew Phil as sex, but he didn’t want to, not after what had happened the following day. Dan wanting to believe he still had that waiting for them, that deep, physical expression of their bond for the first time.

As he let himself get excited, the fear followed. What if Dan was reading this situation wrong? He read it wrong all those years ago. He talked himself into thinking things between he and Phil were different than they actually were. Just because Phil was happy to kiss him now, maybe scared he was going to lose Dan as a friend, just because he was horny… it didn’t mean he wanted what Dan wanted, what Dan was scared to want now but had always wanted. A real relationship with Phil—a long-lasting commitment to each other, and yeah he wanted the sex too, but he also wanted the romance. He needed the romance. 

Dan blew out a breath, the nerves prickling all over his body. He felt anxious and wrong and maybe it was stupid. Maybe this was a really bad idea, but he needed reassurance. He pulled out his phone and sent Phil a text.

Dan: i know you’re with your kids so like you can ignore me but i just wanted to say i’m freaking out a little and we said we’d be honest with each other.

Almost immediately, Phil responded. 

Phil: What’s wrong? Talk to me, Dan. Please.

Dan: it’s stupid, i guess.

Phil: Not stupid. What’s wrong?

Dan: we never really talked about what we wanted out of this. like i feel like i’m sixteen or something and asking if we’re facebook official. is it just like sex and friendship? is it like a no labels thing?

Phil: We get to decide together what it is, don’t we?

Dan: yeah, i just mean, what do you want it to be?

Phil: I’m in love with you, Dan.

Dan was pacing around his bedroom now, his teeth digging into his bottom lip. He really didn’t want to fight with Phil, certainly not over text. He wasn’t even sure what they were doing could be considered fighting or an argument or whatever. He could barely believe how nervous he was.

Dan: yeah you keep saying that.

Phil: I keep meaning it.

Dan: Phil…

Phil: I don’t know what you want. That scares me too, you know. I fucked up. A lot. I know that and so I don’t know if I ever even get to dream of wanting what I really want with you.

Dan sat down on the edge of his bed and let out a breath. He was still mad at Phil, like there were bits and pieces of dislodged anger floating around in his body and, in time, he’d eradicate them, but Phil’s fear wasn’t unfounded. Certainly not from Phil’s perspective, and even from Dan’s own. He was still a little scared, still a little mad. It was a process.

Dan: i’m working on forgiving you. i’m getting there. I really, really am.

Phil: I know. 

Dan: hey phil?

Phil: Yeah?

Dan let out another steadying breath and then gathered up his courage to ask.

Dan: can you tell me? what you dream about having with me? i think it might help me be, idk, less afraid.

Phil: I want to be with you. I want to kiss you, all the time, just because i can. I want to hold your hand and put my arms around you and take you to expensive dinners and on long holidays. I want to have sex with you. I want to be inside you and i want you to be inside me. I want so many things, Dan. I want your socks tumbling around in the dryer with my socks. I want to make dinner and come up behind you and kiss your neck while you’re doing the dishes. I want to build a life together. Me and you. The way it was always supposed to be. When I say I’m in love with you, that’s what I mean.

Dan slid off his bed and onto the floor. He sat his phone down by his feet and buried his face into his knees. He felt warm inside, tight and bursting. He didn’t even know what to do with that. He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt like this… he’d been close with Roger. It was unfair to Roger to say he hadn’t been close with him. Close to perfect, close to forever. But it wasn’t this. Nothing else could ever, ever be this.

His hands were shaking as he picked the phone back up. Slowly, he read the words again. Let himself take in every single one. He couldn’t be absolutely one hundred percent certain that all this would work out just like this, but this was Phil and despite the failings of the romantic part of their relationship, Phil had always been a good friend. He’d been there every step of the way when Dan was really struggling with his mental health. He’d encouraged and supported his work. He’d put Dan first time and time again when it came to that. Phil had taken him to the radio station with him. Phil had pulled him on a stage and shared his award with him. Phil had listened to him complain about anything and everything. Phil had listened to him when he was excited and when he was down. It was scary, but Dan did have trust in Phil. In every other way, Phil had never let him down. Even if he was scared, Dan was ready to try. To let Phil try.

Dan: that’s what i want too. 

Dan: This is a lot, phil. like so much? pretty fast?

Phil: It’s been almost fourteen years.

Dan laughed, and wiped at the tears he’d just noticed forming in his eyes. It had been fourteen years. That was a really long time to get their shit together. Long enough. Dan had waited long enough. Dan began to write three important words into his phone, but then he deleted them. That he definitely needed to say in person. 

Dan: i want to come back and be with you right now.

Phil: Then come back. 

Dan: the kids?

Phil: They’ve been around the two of us thousands of times. 

Dan: i really don’t think I could keep my hands off you.

Phil: The kids go to bed, you know.

This was absolutely crazy, wasn’t it? He’d just gotten home. He couldn’t get a car to drive him all the way back to Phil’s. It was forty-five minutes away. Or he could. He absolutely could.

Dan: i can’t really do this, can i?

Phil: Why not? Rosie is playing with Play-doh and Teddy is kicking a football around the garden and I’m just sat here missing you. 

Dan: ok.

Phil: Ok, what?

Dan: i’m coming back.

 

Dan was nervous and excited as he knocked on Phil’s front door, a bag slung over his shoulder. A few moments later, Phil opened it.

Phil glanced over his shoulder, presumably looking for the kids. They weren’t there. He leaned in and gave Dan a peck on the lips. It was soft, and somehow casual. The casualness of it just made it even better. It was evidence that maybe they really could do this, that maybe this didn’t have an expiry date like it had in the past.

“I need to get you a key,” Phil whispered as he pulled away.

“Come back,” Dan pouted, surprised at himself. 

Phil gave Dan another quick kiss, then whispered, “I’d kiss you all day, but I don’t know if we’re ready for that conversation with the kids.”

“Probably not.”

Phil looked right at Dan, his face growing serious. “I’ll tell them right now if you want though.”

Dan slid his hands up Phil’s torso. He loved that he could that now. It was still pretty unbelievable though. “I think Teddy’s going to realize.”

“Yeah, he’s a smart kid.” Phil smiled, then put a hand on Dan’s cheek. He leaned in for another kiss, a longer, deeper one this time. Dan just melted into it.

“Oh. My. God.” It was Teddy’s voice.

Dan’s stomach sank as Phil pulled back from him out of surprise. 

“Ted,” Phil’s voice cracked.

“Oh my God.” His mouth was dropped open, then turned and bolted back to his room. The door slam shook the whole flat.

Dan cringed.

Phil put a hand to his head. “I am the worst dad in the world.”

“No you’re not.”

“I just wanted to kiss you.” Phil sighed. “He’s been out back or in his room since he got here, and Rosie fell asleep, I thought—“

“Phil.” Dan laid a hand on him. “It sucks, but it’s okay.”

“Should I go talk to him?” Phil furrowed his brow. “I’ll give him a minute and then I’ll go talk to him.”

“Maybe we both should.”

Phil nodded, then shook his head and sighed. “Well, come on. You hungry? I’ve got some crisps and I was going to make sandwiches. Maybe eating will distract us from the embarrassment.”

“Teddy saw us kissing,” Dan said below his breath. He hadn’t even meant to say it out loud before.

“I mean, he was eventually going to, but I was planning on talking to him first.”

Dan let out an awkward laugh. “We really fucked this one up. I told you I shouldn’t have come back over here.”

“Not so fast,” Phil said. “I’m still glad you’re here."

They walked over to the kitchen and snacked on some crisps. About fifteen minutes later, they decided it was time to go talk to Teddy. Phil knocked on his bedroom.

“Can we come in?” Phil asked.

No answer.

“Teddy, we’re sorry. Really. Can we talk to you?”

“Go away.”

“Okay,” Phil said. “We’re going away for five minutes then we’re going to come back and then we’re going to talk.”

“Whatever.”

They gave Teddy the five minutes then they were back at his door again knocking.

“We’re coming in now,” Phil said gently.

“Yeah, okay.”

Teddy was sat cross-legged on his bed, his headphones hanging around his neck. He’d paused the game he’d playing on his Xbox. 

“So, we just wanted to talk to you about, you know, what you saw,” Phil’s voice was a near a whisper.

Teddy snorted. “You mean you two making out?”

“We weren’t making out,” Phil said defensively. 

“Teddy, can I sit?” Dan asked.

He shrugged. “Fine.”

Dan sat and Phil sat beside him. 

“This is fucking weird, isn’t it?” Dan said.

Phil shot him a glare. “Dan.”

Teddy stifled a laugh. That was probably a good thing. That Dan could make him laugh a little. “It is weird. It’s really, really weird.” He let out a heavy breath. “I don’t want you two to be together.”

That stung. It made sense that Teddy would feel that way, but it still hurt to hear. Dan was sure it was even worse for Phil.

“Why not?” Phil asked.

“I dunno.”

“Is it because you want me to be with your mum?” Phil asked quietly.

Teddy hesitated, then shook his head. “No… I think… I mean at first she was really, really sad, but she seems happier now. Like we actually talk and she’s more fun. And we don’t have to eat as much bran.”

Dan bit back a laugh as he remembered what they were discussing—why Teddy didn’t want Dan and Phil to be dating and if it wasn’t his mum what was it.

“Is it Roger? Do you miss him?”

“I still see Roger.” Teddy sighed, like maybe even he wasn’t sure why he didn’t want them together.

“What is it then, Ted?” Phil asked.

“Is it just me?” Dan asked quietly. 

“No… I just…”

“Just what?” Phil asked.

“Feel stupid. All the kids at school were right and I told them they were wrong and to shut up and now they’re right.” Teddy groaned.

“I’m sorry,” Phil said. 

“Like do you seriously have to be dating?” Teddy threw his arm over his face and groaned. “People are going to give me so much shit.”

“Teddy,” Phil warned.

“They are!”

“And I’m really sorry about that, Teddy. I am, but I love Dan very much and we’re together and I know it’s super hard, but this is the way it’s going to be.”

Teddy dropped his arm away from his face and rolled his eyes. 

“At least you know I won’t call you sport,” Dan said.

Teddy just looked at him, his little brows draws together, and then suddenly started laughing—a lot. The sound was big and bright, and it just made Dan laughed. Phil had a deer-in-the-headlights look like he had no idea what was going on.

“What’s so funny?” Phil asked.

“Inside joke, Dad.”

Dan was a little worried that might make Phil feel a little alienated, but he just looked over at Dan with soft, fond eyes. Dan looked right back at him, held his gaze.

“Can you like not looking longingly at each other in my bedroom though? Like I have to sleep in here.”

Phil stood up from the bed, grabbed Teddy’s pillow and gently hit him with it. 

“Hey!” Teddy said, snatching the pillow for Phil and smacking him with it.

Phil jumped back. “Pick up your room, Ted. Then, come out for sandwiches in like fifteen minutes, alright?”

“Do I seriously have to clean?” Teddy whined.

“Yes,” Phil said. “It smells like a locker room in here.”

Phil walked out of the room and Dan followed behind him. Dan shut the door and then whispered to Phil, “That could’ve gone worse.”

“Yeah, seriously. I do feel bad for him, though. Kids can be so vicious, but at least from what he told me before, they’re not like picking on him because of it. It’s just awkward and he feels silly because he was so adamant that it wasn’t true.”

“And it wasn’t then.”

Phil looked at Dan, then let out a breath. “It was and it wasn’t.”

Rosie woke up from her nap, and nearly tackled Dan to the ground. She was getting big enough to do that. Then, Teddy came out from his bedroom and they made and ate their sandwiches together. It was nice and simple, and it certainly beat sitting at home alone, eating by himself. Dan liked being alone, but Phil and the kids were a special case, like being alone without actually having to be alone. 

It was a warm day, so they walked down to the park and let the kids play. Phil was standing close to Dan, their arms touching. Dan wanted to reach out and take Phil’s hand, but he wasn’t sure if he should, and then when he heard an unfamiliar voice he was glad he hadn’t.

“Whoa, are you? Oh my God, you’re Dan and Phil!”

Dan had run into fans a few times since everything had fallen apart, but he’d done his best to make those moments short and avoid any questions. Thankfully, most people were respectful enough not to ask, but not all of them had been and it had made him want to hide away quite a bit.

“Hi,” Dan said, feeling tense.

“Sorry to bother you, but like I’m just… I’m excited. I’ve been watching your videos for years.” The girl was probably fifteen or so. It probably hadn’t actually been all that many years.

“It’s okay. Do you want a picture?” Phil asked. Dan could tell he was tense. He was always tense when fans would come around and his kids were there. 

“Sure!”

Dan knew what that picture could mean. It could mean that she posts it on the internet and now everyone knows they’re at least speaking again. That was probably exactly what it would mean. He looked over at Phil and decided he was okay with that. Dan took the girl’s phone and took a selfie.

“Thank you!” she said excitedly. 

“No problem,” Phil said. 

“I’m, um, I’m like glad you’re like not fighting anymore or whatever. Oh my God, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m so sorry. Thanks. Bye.”

When the girl was out of sight, Phil sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For that. I doubt you were ready for everyone to know we’re together.”

Dan blinked. “Will they? Know we’re together?”

“They’ll assume, I think. Like they did in the beginning.”

“Do you, um, not want to say anything?”

“We can tell people, Dan, or we can not. Either way is fine with me.”

Dan thought about it for a moment. “I’m not sure. There are pros and cons. I really don’t think I want to hide it, but I don’t know if I want to like talk about it. Like can we not make a video about it?”

Phil laughed. “We won’t make a video about it. We’ll just let it be?”

A small smile crept onto his face. “Let it be. I like that.”

They let the kids play at the park a while longer and then they got ice cream cones. Dan ended up switching with Rosie because she decided she didn’t actually want vanilla after all and chocolate is so much better. He didn’t mind. They got home and played Mouse Trap together. It took him way too long to set it up, and Phil just kept laughing at him, but he wasn’t any better at it. Finally, they got it finished and while they played, Phil held Dan’s hand under the table. 

“Can we watch a movie?” Rosie asked.

“What movie?”

“Aristocats!” she shouted.

Teddy groaned.

“Why don’t you kids decide on a movie together? You have five minutes or we’re all watching the news,” Phil said.

The kids bickered at bit, but eventually decided on Monsters Inc. Dan popped them some microwave popcorn and they all gathered around the dim room to watch the movie. 

“Wanna sit on Uncle Dan, he’s soft. And super warm.”

“Come here, you goof,” Dan said, picking her up. 

She snuggled into his chest and he kissed her one the forehead, looking over at Phil smiling back him. 

During the movie, Dan settled in closer to Phil. He was leaning against his arm and it was probably the most they could do right now to be near each other. 

Dan felt fingers brush his leg and he drew in a sharp intake of breath. Phil’s gaze was on the screen but his fingers were slowly stroking to the side just above Dan’s knees. It felt so good, deliriously good to have those small, gentle touches. 

Eventually, it was time to go to bed and Teddy said good night to them both and headed off to his room. Rosalie got into her pajamas and Phil helped her brush her teeth, then she crawled under the covers of her bed.

“Daddy?” 

“Yes, Rosie?”

“Are you and Uncle Dan happy with each other again?” Rosie’s voice was quiet.

“Yes.” Dan smiled at them both. “We are. We’re happy with each other again.”

“Good,” she said, snuggling down into her bed more. “I missed Daddy’s big smiles.” She yawned. “Can you sing me a song?”

“Of course we can,” Phil said.

By Rosalie’s bedside, in the glow of her nightlight, they say the Winnie-the-Pooh song together. They both kissed her on the forehead, and wished her goodnight. When they got out of her bedroom, Phil put a hand on Dan’s lower back. “Want to watch something? Have a drink?”

Dan shook his head. “No… I… I want to go bed.”

Phil reached up and brushed Dan’s curls with the backs of his fingers. “Really? Are you sure you’re ready? I want you.” He looked Dan up and down. “God, I want you, but it hasn’t actually been all that long… we can wait.”

“It’s been almost fourteen years,” Dan said. “That’s fucking long enough.”

Chapter 34

Phil surged forward and kissed Dan hard on the mouth. It was immediate—Dan was kissing back with equal force, gripping into Phil’s shirt, licking into his mouth. It was warm, wet, good. All fiery sparks of long-awaited electricity.

“We should get to your room,” Dan said softly, his mouth so close to Phil’s mouth that their lips brushed as he spoke.

Phil just nodded. He was unable to even speak. He was so damn overwhelmed with this moment, with this man. This man he’d wanted so long and never let himself have. Fourteen years. Fourteen-fucking-years.

He couldn’t wait any longer.

Phil grabbed Dan by the hand and started pulling him toward his bedroom. He pulled a little too hard and Dan tripped over his feet, letting out a sputtering laugh.

“Sorry,” Phil said, stifling a giggle of his own.

“Shh,” Dan hurried up beside him. “Come on.”

They made their way back to Phil’s bedroom, still holding back laughs, as they quietly shut the door. Dan didn’t even give Phil a chance to turn on the light before his mouth was on Phil’s again, his whole body pressing Phil against the door. He couldn’t see Dan, just felt his body and his touch—the firm, solid presence of Dan—taller than him, wider than him, Dan. It was almost unimaginably sexy.

But Phil wanted to see Dan right now. He needed to. He reached his arm out from between them and flipped the switch.

“Sorry,” he spoke against Dan’s mouth. “Need to see you.”

Dan growled—actually fucking growled— and the sound moved through him like a bolt of blue lightning. Phil leaned up the small bit he needed to and kissed Dan hard, opening his mouth with his open, pressing their tongues together. It was wet—a little too wet—but Phil didn’t care. This was Dan. This was actually happening. It was all coming at him at once and he’d enjoy every detail.

He wanted more details. He wanted to see more of Dan. It had been so long since he’d seen him naked and even then it was usually dark, usually just parts in flashes. Phil wanted everything laid out bare. Everything he had and didn’t deserve but had anyway. This absolutely spectacular miracle that was having Dan, that was not being afraid of it.

Phil gripped the bottom of Dan’s shirt and started pushing it up his torso.

“Is this okay?” he whispered in Dan’s ear.

“God, yes.”

Phil worked the shirt up, until Dan helped it off the last bit. There was something so fucking hot about that, he thought.  About the way Dan lifted his arms up over his head, about the muscles in his arms flexing as he did. He fought the strangest urge to just bite down on Dan’s bicep. He fought it, but he didn’t win. When Dan let his arms drop back down to his side, Phil nipped at his shoulder, then in a line down his arm.

Dan’s big hand sank into his hair and let out a low and hot moan.

“You did that when we met,” Dan said. “Not quite like that but…”

“I liked you and I was nervous.” Phil let out a breath as he lifted his gaze back to Dan’s. “I still like you and I’m still nervous.”

Dan bit his lip, his eyes going dark, his voice going there too. “I make you nervous.”

Phil swallowed, his heart absolutely going wild in his chest. “In a good way.”

“You make me nervous too… in a good way.”

Phil stepped back to just look at Dan shirtless. He had beautiful tan skin and dark nipples. If Phil reached out to touch them, it would be the most sexual thing they’d done in a decade. But that’s what was happening here, wasn’t it? They were going to have sex. Fuck.

Phil lifted his hand and ran a thumb over Dan’s nipple. Dan’s eyes fluttered shut, his mouth dropping open. Phil did it again. It was warm and stiffened under his touch.

“ Phil, ” Dan breathed. “What are you doing?”

“I don’t know…” he suddenly realized he really didn’t know, and looked up at Dan helplessly. “I don’t know,”

“Are you, are you not ready? It’s okay, if you aren’t.”

“No,” Phil said quickly. “It’s not that. God, it’s not that at all. I’ve just I’ve never. You know I haven’t and I’m nervous and I want this to be good for you. I… I don’t even know what you like.”

“I don’t know what you like either, Phil.” Dan reeled Phil in closer. “Can we figure it out as we go? Just I’ll tell you when you do something I’m really into and then you tell me the same. And if we don’t like something we just say it, yeah?”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, I just.” He ran a hand through his hair. He couldn’t believe he was doing this to Dan after everything. “I’m nervous I won’t be good, and like—”

“Like, I’ll compare you to Roger.”

“I heard you, you know. That night you had sex with him in the guest room.” Phil flashed back to that night in his head to touching himself to the sound. “I could tell it was good.”

“I was thinking of you,” Dan answered quickly. “I’m not proud of it because Roger didn’t deserve that, but it’s true. I was thinking of you. I almost even said your name when I came.”

“ Fuck. ” That was so hot, but he wasn’t sure he could live up to any hype Dan had built in his head. “I just… I’m just really scared I’m going to let you down. Like it’s built up in your head and then real, middle aged Phil just isn’t going to live up to it—and you’re…. you’re still so young, and absolutely beautiful.”

“Roger was older than you know,” Dan said. Phil could tell he was trying for levity but it wasn’t really working on Phil right now.

“He was basically an underwear model.”

“ Phil.”

“God, I’m sorry, Dan. I want this. I want you, so much, so badly, but I’m scared, and I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“You’re overthinking is what you’re doing, mate.”

Phil just kissed Dan again, soft and slow. He loved the way their mouths fit together. He relaxed into that kiss, put every part of himself into it. When he pulled away, Phil said, “You’re right.”

“All I want from you… all I’ve needed from you… is for you to want me.”

“I do.” Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and buried his face in Dan’s neck.

“Then show me,” Dan breathed against his ear.  “That’s all you have to do. Just show me how much you want me. It’s… I think it’s what we both need.”

Okay. He could do that. That was easy. He wanted Phil like that. Phil opened his mouth and breathed hot against Dan’s neck. He sucked and bit on the skin, licking down against him.

“Shit, fuck,” Dan hissed. “I love that.”

“I thought you didn’t like having your neck touched.”

“I… it just turns me on, Phil.”

“Oh…” he said, then did it all over again and again and again until Dan was grasping at him with desperate hands.

Then show me. Dan’s words rang in Phil’s ear and he wanted to do as Dan asked because he was right. It was what they both needed. For Phil to be free from the thoughts and worries nagging him and just thinking about one thing—wanting Dan—and for Dan to know the truth, finally, totally, that he was what Phil wanted, had always wanted, more than anything in the world.

His mouth was on Dan’s again and it was forceful and wild as he backed Dan against the bed. Dan sat down and Phil just followed that instinct, that want instinct, and he threw his legs over Dan’s and sat down in his lap.

God, Dan was hard, and he could feel that hardness underneath him. It was difficult not to think of what it could mean. What it might even mean right now. If he asked, Dan would probably fuck him. Maybe that could be a way of showing Dan how much he wanted him, letting him inside like that, but maybe Phil was overthinking again, maybe he should just keeping doing instead of thinking and let their bodies go wherever the wanted to go.

Dan had his hands on Phil’s back, pushing his shirt up. Phil hurried to pull his shirt off the rest of the way and and press bare chest to bare chest. He loved the hot, sticky feeling of their skin together. Loved the broadness of Dan’s chest, the strength of it, of him , as Phil sat perched in his lap.

In a moment of courage, Phil rocked his body down on Dan, chasing out the feeling of that bulge beneath him. Dan grabbed Phil’s hips, pulled him in even tighter. They rutted against each other over and over,, sharing their shaky breaths.

Phil pushed forward a little and Dan was on his back and Phil was on top of him, moving his mouth down his neck, over his Adam’s apple, to the peaks of Dan’s delicious collarbones and down his chest. Phil sucked slow on his nipple. The bud felt good and tight against his tongue. He could do this all night, but he wouldn’t because there was more of Dan to kiss that he hadn’t yet. More. All.

That was when Phil knew exactly what to do, even if he didn’t know fully how to do it.  He kissed over Dan’s stomach, below his belly button and stopped right at the button of his jeans.

“Can I?” Phil asked, darkly.

“Can you what?” Dan’s voice sounded completely wrecked, like crumbled glass.

“I…” Why couldn’t Phil form the words?

“You want to give me head?”

Phil shivered, like full body shivered, because it was still so strange to hear Dan direct things like that at him. They’d never been so open before. Phil loved it, but it still scared him. It was like how he’d always felt about thunderstorms.

“God, yes. But I don’t know how. I don’t know if it will be any good.”

Dan didn’t say anything. He just reached down and popped open the button of his jeans, then tugged down his fly. Phil grabbed his jeans and tugged them down the rest of the way. When they were off, Dan was completely naked.

Phil settled back to get a good look at him. Dan was sprinkled dark freckles, had bits of hair scattered around his body. His curls had fallen over his forehead and his lips were swollen, red and wet. And his cock… fuck, fuck, fuck. For the first time, Phil truly let himself just look.

His cock was long and narrow and hard, his balls drawn in tight. The tip was red and leaking pre-come, curved up toward his belly from a patch of dark curls. Little purplish veins curved around the shaft, until they were mostly hidden under the foreskin. Phil wanted to follow those veins with his tongue.

Dan scooted back a little and Phil worked his way onto the bed between Dan’s spread legs. Phil leaned down, pressing his forehead to Dan’s thigh, then he kissed him there. Kissed a spot on his thigh just like he would Dan’s mouth.

“Do you want to do this, Phil? It’s okay if it’s too much.”

“It’s not.” It wasn’t. “I’m just nervous. I want you to like it so badly and I don’t know what to do.”

“Just do what you like having done to you.”

Phil nodded. He could do that. He kissed Dan’s thigh one more time, then moved his mouth over Dan’s hip and to the base of his cock, feeling the rough hair on his lips. He drew in a deep breath, then opened his mouth around Dan’s tip.

He sucked it gently. It was so soft and silky and he could taste the salt of the pre-come.

Dan hissed and arched his back off the bed, his hand flying into Phil’s hair. Phil just went with the pressure, let himself sink down a little more around Dan’s cock. Let it stretch his lips and fill his mouth. He wanted that. Wanted to feel Dan thick and heavy on his tongue.

Phil bobbed his head, licking and sucking, and just doing what Dan said… what he liked… and Dan seemed to be responding and Phil was responding too. A perfect conversation. He was trying to rut against the bed as he sucked and licked, loving the ache in his jaw, loving the sounds that Dan was making, the way he was whimpering Phil’s name and digging his fingers into the covers.

He was so beautiful like this—naked and pleading—just vulnerable and open for Phil, just letting Phil make him feel good, trusting him to do it.

“Fuck,” Dan mumbled, tensing. “Fuck, Phil. Fuck, oh God. I’m going to… oh, God you’re going to make me come.”

Pride surged through Phil, and he knew Dan was warning him in case he wanted to back off, in case he didn’t want Dan to spill into his mouth. But he did, that’s exactly what Phil wanted.

He slid down deeper, feeling Dan’s cock near the back of his throat, then, gagging a little accidentally, he pulled back up.

“Fuck, Phil. Fuck. ”

Dan came, and Phil just took the hot, salty warmth filling his mouth. It was a lot—enough some dribbled down his lips, but when he finally pulled off, his mouth was still full of come.

“You don’t…” Dan was clearly trying to drag in big enough breaths. “Have to swallow.”

Phil swallowed. He wanted to, wanted to take Dan in in all the ways that he could.

“Your turn,” Dan said, a little groggily. “Come up here. Fuck my mouth.”

Phil was so turned on and so hard and hot all over, that it was all he could do not to just tear his jeans right off his body. He was in the middle of fumbling to get the jeans halfway down his legs when there was a knock on the door.

“Fuck,” Dan hissed.

Phil jumped, and looked toward the door. “Shit.”

“Daddy?” It was Rosalie. She knocked again. “I had a bad dream.”

This was not happening. It couldn’t be happening right now. Right now when he was so close to having Dan’s wet mouth around him. Dammit.

“One second, sweetie,” he said.

“What do we do?” Dan hissed.

“Daddy!” Rosie knocked again.

“Just hold on, sweetie.” Phil opened his closet and pulled out some pants, pajama bottoms and a t-shirt and tossed them at Dan.

“Get dressed,” Phil said, pulling on clothes of his own.

“What about—“

Phil snorted. “This isn’t the first time this has happened, Dan. I know how to um calm myself down.”

“Daddy, I’m super scared,” Rosie called from behind the door.

“Is this what having kids is really like?”

“Yes,” Phil said. “That scare you?”

“No, I’m good.” Dan pulled on his t-shirt.

Phil finished getting his clothes on too, and walked over to the door and let her in. She bolted into Phil’s arms and Phil scooped her up, holding her tight against him.

“I had a super bad dream it was so scary.” Rosalie kicked down out of his arms. “I’m gonna sleep with you.”  She turned toward the bed and then stopped, looking right at Dan. She looked back at Phil. “Dan’s in your bed, Daddy.”

“I know.”

“Why?”

Phil just looked at Dan, like maybe he’d have answers but he just looked back at Phil with the same confused expression.

“Because I love him.”

“Oh, good. I love him too,” Rosie said, then crawled up onto the bed, settling next to Dan.

“Hey, Rosie,” Dan said.

She kicked her legs under the covers and snuggled down into the bed, cuddling with her own blanket up around her face. “Are you coming to bed too, Daddy?”

“Yeah…yeah.” Phil let out a breath and climbed into the other side of the bed.

He turned the lights off.

It was still light enough for him to see that Rosie had curled against Dan and he had his hand on the back of her head. Phil scooted in even closer and threw his arm over them both. It was just so warm and peaceful, holding them both like that. Phil placed a soft kiss on Rosalie’s head, then a gentle one on Dan’s lips.

“Good night,” Phil said. “I love you."

“I love you too,” Dan replied.

And they fell asleep together just like that.

 

The next morning, they all ate what cereal they had left, but it was pretty slim pickings. Phil had been distracted with Dan in the days before the kids got here that he hadn’t gotten to the store like he normally did.

“I think I’m going to need to go out to get some food before we have to resort to eating the pigeons,” Phil said.

“Ew,” Rosie made a face at him as she played on the floor with her toy trucks.

“I can watch the kids while you go out,” Dan said. He was also sat on the floor with Rosalie, playing with the toy trucks.

“Thanks,” he said.

Phil grabbed his keys and his wallet, kissed Dan and Rosie goodbye, then left for Tesco’s.

As Phil drove, he started to think about the last few days. They’d been better than he could have ever imagined and he didn’t know how he’d gotten here. It seemed impossible that last night he’d had his mouth around Dan’s cock, that he’d felt him come on his tongue, that he’d swallowed him down. He couldn’t wait for more of this. Couldn’t wait to have so many new things with Dan. It was hard with the kids to take the time they really needed to, so Phil resolved to not try too many new things until June was back. But that was fine. All Phil wanted to do now was crawl into bed with Dan at night and kiss and hold him. He wanted to fall asleep with his head on Dan’s chest, listening to his heart beat. And he wanted to do it again and again.

When Phil finally got to Tesco’s, he was a little distracted walking around and filling up his cart with the things the kids liked. Chicken nuggets and pizzas, for when he was being indulgent, and the good kind of healthy foods that June would be happy to know he’s feeding them. Ribena too. He had to get some Ribena. He was putting some Ribena in the cart—too much Ribena—when he turned and let out an embarrassing yelp.

Roger was standing there, right there, two feet in front of him. He looked good. His hair was a little different, a little longer and he was looking relaxed… maybe even happy. Phil wondered how Dan would feel about that.

“H-hi,” Phil said, awkwardly.

“Hello, Phil.” Roger eyed his cart, eyed the Ribena in his car. “How’ve you been?”

“Fine, I mean. All things considered. You?”

“Fine,” he replied. “All things considered.” His lips twitched up into a small smile, but Phil still felt awkward. Really, really freaking awkward.

“You’re back from the States. Weren’t you in the states with June?”

He nodded. “Just got back today.”

“Did June?”

“She’s staying a few extra days.”

“Why?” Phil asked.

“Not sure,” Roger said. But he sounded like he actually knew exactly why she had stayed back. Phil, on the other hand, had no idea at all.

“Oh, okay.” Phil let out a breath. “I wanted to thank you… by the way, for everything you’ve done for Teddy. I haven’t been able to tell you, and it’s just, it’s meant so much to him to have you there. He really looks up to you, Roger, and I’m glad he has that.”

Roger opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted.

“Look, Roj. I finally found the fresh loaves. I swear they hide them on purpose.” A shorter man with dark greying stubble walked up beside Roger and put a hand on his lower back. He looked at Phil. “Hello.”

“Eric, this is June’s ex-husband, Phil. Phil, this is my boyfriend, Eric.”

Eric extended his hand to Phil. “Nice to meet you, Phil. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Phil shook the man’s hand. He had a very firm, calloused grip, and serious eyes.  “That’s….I mean…” It couldn’t be good whatever it was Roger had said about Phil.

“Sorry, I made this awkward.” Eric let out a breath, looking up at Roger like he needed reassurance. “I do that… it’s been a while since I’ve had to have proper conversations.”

Phil wasn’t sure what that meant or if it was rude to ask, so he didn’t. “It’s okay. I deserve any awkwardness that comes my way.”

“I don’t know about you, Phil, but I’m pretty tired of awkwardness. It’s probably time to just… let it be.” Roger eyed the Ribena again. “Tell Dan I said hello, would you? And that I hope he’s doing well.”

“Yeah, of course.” Phil nodded. “It was good to see you again.”

Roger laughed. “Don’t lie, Phil.”

But there was something light about his voice, about the way he was leaning into this other man, like he was happy with the way things had turned out, that made Phil think that maybe even if it wasn’t good to see Roger around this time, that maybe there was a future where it could be. Where they could see each other and it wouldn’t be awkward or stilted, it would just be what it should be— a conversation between old friends.

Chapter 35

Notes:

i realized i fucked up the timeline in the last chapter. there should've been more days between the two parts like i wanted like three days to pass before the roger and phil meeting happened because roger was in the US with June *sigh* so so sorry.

Dan was sitting on the floor having a pretend tea party with Rosalie when Phil came back to the house, his arms full of grocery bags.

“I’ll be right back, Rosie,” he said, kissing her on the head. “I need to help Daddy.”

“Okay,” she said.

Dan rushed over to where Phil was stood by the kitchen counter and helped the bags out of his arms.

“Thanks,” Phil said.

“What’d you get us to eat?” Dan said casually as he started pulling items out of the grocery bags.

“Hmm?” Phil sounded distant.

“I just asked what you got us to eat.” Dan’s eyes narrowed. “Are you okay?”

Phil shook his head, but like he was shaking himself into the present, not like he was saying no he wasn’t okay. “Yeah, I’m fine… I’m… I don’t know if I should tell you this.”

Dan sat the bag of frozen chicken nuggets on the counter. “Well, you have to tell me now! It’ll drive me mad otherwise.”

Phil hesitated, then let out a breath. “I ran into Roger at Tesco’s.”

“Oh.” Dan turned to put the chicken nuggets in the freezer. “Roger was at Tesco’s?” Roger was more of a Waitrose kind of man, and he’d never even stepped foot into an Asda before as far as Dan knew. But even Tesco’s seemed like a stretch.

“Yeah, he, uh, he wasn’t alone.” Phil was obviously trying to sound casual as he put away some more of the food.

“ Oh.”

“Do you want to know more?” Phil asked, quietly.

“Do you know more ?”

“Yeah.” Phil rubbed at the back of his neck. “He… Dan, Roger introduced the other man as his boyfriend.”

Dan blinked, a quick surge of jealousy, like a reflex, flipped through him, but then he realized how silly it was. He had no reason at all to be jealous. Still, he couldn’t help his curiosity. “Did he… I mean, did he seem nice?”

“He did. A little quiet but yeah. He said his name was Eric.”

Dan stopped putting away the groceries and turned toward Phil. “Eric?”

Phil nodded.

Dan pulled out his cell phone and google searched ‘Eric Jeffries Reporter’ and pulled up a number of articles about a man who’d gotten severely injured doing environmental reporting in some really remote areas. Even June had recently mentioned him, Dan remembered. He was Roger’s old uni boyfriend. Dan pulled up a picture and held it out to Phil.

“This him?” Dan asked.

Phil took the phone and looked down at the screen. “Yeah, how did you—”

“Roger’s ex, actually.”

Phil blinked, brow furrowing. “Oh, really?”

Dan nodded and took his phone back. “Yep. He wanted to travel, and I guess originally they’d made plans to do that together—like he and Roger, but then Roger decided against it. He felt responsible for his family’s business, so they ended things… from these articles it seems like he was injured or something and has had to come back. I guess they reconnected.”

Phil looked down at the floor for a moment, his glasses slipping down his nose. “Are you… alright?”

“Phil.”

“It’s okay. If you’re not… it can be hard, even if…”

Dan smiled and shifted closer to Phil. He reached for his fingers. “It’s weird, but not…hard, per se. I… it’s always been you for me, Phil. Always.”

Phil let out a breath and put both his hands on Dan’s cheeks. Dan loved the warmth of the touch as Phil leaned in and kissed him on the mouth, open and deep. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist. He wanted to keep kissing him, but they couldn’t right now.

They spent the rest of the day just hanging out and playing with the kids, when they went to bed that night, they just curled up against each other and talked. They’d started to kiss and things had heated up, hands roaming, but then Dan had put a stop to it. He was close, close to being ready for more… ready for what he’d really wanted after all this time, and he wanted to make sure they had all the time in the world for it.

The next day, Dan went back to his flat for a few days to just give Phil some alone time with the kids, and because he’d been wearing the same clothes over and over. But they pretty much just spent the whole time texting anyway, like they were young again, and soon enough, Dan was just packing up more clothes and Phil was making space for him in his closet. Maybe, Dan thought for a moment, he should slow things down, but he really, really, didn’t want to.

Fourteen years, right? Fourteen goddamn years was long enough.

They decided to spend the rest of the time they had before it was June’s week, just  hanging out together, with each other and with the kids. They had breakfast as a family and Teddy went to school and Rosie to preschool for a few hours.

That day, when they’d started to make out on the couch—things went pretty far pretty fast—and they just couldn’t take it anymore. They settled down besides each other, shoulders pressed together, their cocks out. Their arms were crossed over each other—like they were signing a fucking autograph—and they brought each other off right there.

To Dan, there was still nothing like the face Phil made when he came, nothing like the sounds and— oh God— the taste of Phil on his tongue when he’d licked his palm clean after. Phil had looked down at the mess on his hand, a little timid, like he didn’t know if he should copy Dan or get up and clean it off.

“Here,” Dan said gently. He took Phil’s hand licked his own come off slowly, sliding his tongue against Phil’s soft palm, and dipping the tip between his fingers until he was perfectly clean. There was something so satisfying about that.

Phil shuddered. “ Fuck.”

Dan licked his lip and then bit it. He felt heat in his cheeks. “Was that too far?” With Roger, he’d gotten so used to being as dirty and well… gay … as he wanted to be, even though Dan technically wasn’t gay. It was easy for Dan to forget that Phil might not be used to some of it.

Phil shook his head. “You’re just really sexy, and I don’t know… sometimes it’s just…”

“Just what, Phil?”

“How the fuck did you pick me over Roger?”

That wasn’t exactly what had happened but Dan knew what he meant. “Is this because you ran into him?”

“No. It’s more like… I don’t know when Roger came along, it just made sense. I was this dorky, awkward kind of strange guy, and then there was Roger. Experienced, rich, gay, practically-a-model Roger. Not sexually-confused, alien-head shaped Phil. You were so… I don’t know… it’s like you came into yourself with him and I was always kind of jealous of that. That he could be what I couldn’t for you. You started painting your nails regularly and buying expensive, extravagant clothes and being really open about your sexuality. I don’t know. It was like I was jealous, but…”

“You really have to stop comparing yourself to Roger, Phil.”

He groaned and ran a hand over his face. “I know, but how ?”

Dan sat in silence for a moment, then said, “Do you want to talk more about it or less about it?”

Phil’s brow furrowed, then let out a resigned breath. “I think I need to know more…”

Dan crossed his legs, pulling his pants back up. Phil did the same. Like weirdos, they’d actually been having that whole conversation so far with their dicks out. “Like what? Gotta help me out Phil.”

“When you… when the two of you had sex did you—? Like did you have specific roles?” Phil’s cheeks were bright pink.

It was really weird to talk about this with Phil, but Dan figured what the hell if it would make Phil more comfortable. “I usually bottomed. I like to top a lot, but he didn’t like to bottom much, so it was fine. I like to bottom.” He did. It felt good to be stretched and full.

“Oh…”

“Do you know how you feel? What you think you’ll like?”

Phil shook his head. “I’m not sure. I want to try both, I think. You know that night you kissed me? At my house?”

Dan snorted. “I vaguely recall.” Both one of the best and worst days of his life.

“You started pushing me down the hall… did you… were you… had I not stopped you…”

“Yes, Phil. I was going to fuck you.”

Phil bit his lip and spoke hesitantly, “F-fuck me ?”

Dan shut his eyes, remembering that night, remembering the burning, too-much want he’d felt for Phil that night. “That night, yeah. I mean, that was the thought I had in my head. I was going to take you upstairs and fuck you senseless. I was going to have you coming on my cock. That’s… what I wanted.”

“Shit. I’m way too old for this.”

“For what?”

He shifted on the sofa. “It’s like my body wants to get hard again, but knows it’s definitely cannot.”

Dan chuckled softly. “Sorry.”

“Is that… is that what you want now? For our like… first time?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if we should plan it out… but I also, I’ve always liked the idea of you inside me.”

Phil laid a hand on Dan’s thigh. “I like that too. It’s like… I’ve held back my feelings for you for so long. I’d like to just let go. Just take you like that… c-come in you? I don’t know, that’s a lot to say. Is that weird?”

Dan could barely believe he was sat there listening to Phil tell him he wanted to come inside him. “Not weird…” So not fucking weird.

“Did Roger ever…” Phil wasn’t looking at Dan again.

“Finish inside me?”

Phil nodded.

“Yeah. I mean, we usually fucked bare. Sometimes he’d pull out and come on me, but yeah… Roger didn’t really like condoms so we barely used them once things got serious.”

Phil’s eyes shut. “Shit… can I say something ridiculous?”

“I doubt it’s ridiculous but, yeah, of course…”

“I don’t like that at all. Like I actively hate it.”

Dan felt suddenly, like he’d come under a scrutiny he hadn’t been ready for. “Not really a huge fan of thinking about you fucking June either so…” Dan grumbled.

“I’m sorry. I know I asked. It’s just so much. Roger is always going to have a lot of you, you know… it’s hard.”

“Yeah, I know, Phil.” Dan did know because June was always going to have a lot of Phil too.  “I’m sorry. But you’re right. He is. Roger was the first man who treated me like… like it wasn’t even just that he didn’t treat me like shit, not every guy I fucked before that had been a total asshole. It was just, it was the first time with a man that it was more than just sex. It was… romantic. We were… falling in love. I’m sorry… I’m not meaning to be a jerk.”

“I asked, Dan. It’s fine. It’s all my fault anyway, isn’t it? If I had just gotten my head out of my ass sooner…” Phil let out a breath. “What’s it like then?”

Dan tilted his head. “What’s what like?”

“When someone comes inside you?”

“Strange, messy… but it also, weirdly, it can make you feel close to that person. Connected. I don’t know.”

“Would you let me do that?” Phil asked. “If we… could I finish inside you?”

Dan’s eyes fluttered shut as he let himself imagine it, imagine feeling Phil’s warmth slowly seeping back out of him. “I want you to.”

“Maybe sometimes too… you could… me too?”

Dan nudged Phil’s shoulder. “You’re having a hard time talking about some of this stuff, aren’t you?”

“It’s silly but it does make me a little embarrassed, especially because I don’t really know much about gay sex.”

“Don’t worry we’ll work up to BDSM harnesses and fisting.”

“ What? ”

“Phil, baby, I’m kidding.” Dan’s eyes widened. What had he just said? “Sorry that was…”

“I like it… it’s different, you not just calling me mate or rat or whatever.” Phil laughed. “But I like it… I really, really like it.” Phil gave him a cheeky grin. “Kiss me, babe.”

Dan leaned in, pressing their noses together. “Sure thing, dear.”

 

The week came to an end and Dan said good-bye to the kids as Phil loaded them in to the car to take them to June’s. Dan paced the floor of Phil’s house, biting on his thumbnail as he waited for Phil to return. The kids would be gone now—for a while—they had time now for pretty much anything they wanted to do. And he was sure, at some point, they were going to do all of it. It was happening, right here, right before his eyes. He was actually getting what he’d always wanted. A little differently, a little later than he’d expected, but it was here and as he watched Phil pull back in through the window, Dan was hit with the steady and solid realization that he wasn’t afraid anymore. That thought alone scared him more than anything had in awhile. Dan laughed. How could he possibly be scared of not being afraid. But, somehow, he was.

Phil opened the front door and stepped inside. He wiped his shoes off on the rug and Dan just stood there, staring.

When Phil finally realized, he startled back. “What? What is it?”

“Nothing,” Dan said. “I just…” he let out a breath. “I just love you.”

Phil let out a quiet almost surprised laugh. “I love you too, Dan.”

“God, we can just like say that to each other now.”

He slowly started walking toward Dan. “We used to say it to each other sometimes, even before. I mean you were my best friend.”

“Were?” Dan felt a strange little pang. That was weird. It was silly maybe, but he didn’t want to lose the best friend moniker just because they were also something else.

“You are, Dan. You’re my best friend always. Whatever else is true, that will always be true. You know that.”

“Yeah, same.” Dan let out a breath. “I like this other stuff too though.”

Phil slid arms around Dan’s waist, tucked his face in Dan’s neck and his breath trembled across the sensitive skin. “Do you?”

Dan’s eyes fluttered shut. “Mm-hm,” he mumbled, sinking his fingers into Phil’s hair.

Phil placed a warm, open mouthed kiss on Dan’s neck. It made Dan shiver, made him nearly shake.

“The kids are gone, you know.”

“They are,” Phil said, his words vibrating against Dan’s skin.

“We all have the time in the world…”

Phil lifted his head and looked Dan in the eye. It was intense—overwhelming—for Phil to be looking at him with a direct, unfiltered intensity.

“Tonight,” Phil said.

“I know you’re old and a dad but you know you don’t have to wait until nighttime to bone, right?”

Phil stuck his tongue out between his teeth. “Ha ha. Excuse me for wanting to treat you right and take you to dinner first.”

Dan’s stomach flipped over. “Oh, yeah.”

“Remember,” Phil said softly. “You promised me a date. A real date.”

“The last date we went on was shit… it was the Skybar in Manchester.” Dan shook his head. “Sorry, that was… that was only a date to me, wasn’t it?” Dan looked away from Phil, his cheeks heating up and not in a good way.

Phil pulled Dan’s gaze to back him with light fingers. “It was a date to me too, Dan. I just… I chickened out after when you—”

“Did you like it?” Dan wasn’t sure why he was walking down this road.... It’s like he wanted to be scared again, like that was somehow less scary than not being scared. If that made any sense at all.

“Like what?”

Dan drew in a deep breath. “When I kissed you then?”

“It was the best kiss I’d ever had, Dan.”

It was maybe childish, but Dan felt a swell of pride. “Really?”

Phil nodded. “My heart did that flipping-over thing. It had never really done that before. Scared the shit out of me.”

“I was scared of kissing you--so scared--but I really thought you wanted it. I felt so awful after. When you didn’t.”

“You have nothing to feel bad about, and, you know, I kissed you back…”

“Right up until you freaked out.” Dan stepped away from Phil, suddenly needing a little space as these memories came back hard. “I felt so stupid and embarrassed and creepy, Phil.”

“You weren’t any of those things and I’m sorry. I’d wanted you to kiss me. I really, really did.”

Dan shut his eyes and let out a breath. “You lied to me then. You said that I misunderstood, that I got the wrong impression. That you didn’t want me like that.” It was hard, harder than he expected, to really vocalize these things right now.

“I did lie, and I’m sorry.”

Dan was feeling a little sick to his stomach, which was stupid. This wasn’t new information. He turned his back to Phil.

“Dan, please.”

“I’m sorry.” He was suddenly choked up. What the fuck was wrong with him? “I’m sorry. I just need some time. This is so stupid. I’m going to go for a walk okay?”

Phil looked even paler than usual. “O-okay. Are you…are we…?”

“I can’t right now, Phil, okay?”

He just nodded. Dan tried to ignore that Phil looked pretty heartbroken.

Dan walked to the door, put his shoes on and stepped outside.

He was a few blocks over before the first thought entered his head. God, why had that hurt so much? Everything had been fine and then… it just all came back, like it had never really been resolved, not fully and he wasn’t sure what to do. What if it could never truly be resolved? What if it would always hurt too much when he thought about it?

But what was he going to do? Let that pain, let the past, let this thing that happened to him, that took his happiness then, take his happiness now. Was he going to walk back to Phil’s house and say this had been a mistake? That he was sorry and he’d tried and he couldn’t do it.

Dan stopped under a tree.

He could do that. He could walk right back and do that and he could just go on with his life. He could date other people, fuck someone else. He’d find someone—some guy or some girl—and try again. Blank slate.

Because he and Phil had anything but a blank slate. They’d been back and forth through so much shit together. They’d hurt each other and forgiven each other and tore things down and rebuilt them. They didn’t have a blank slate. They had a slate that was chipped and engraved and broken in pieces and cemented back together. It would never be pristine. It would never be the kind of love story you dream about. That you’re excited to tell your grandkids someday.

But, maybe, just maybe, Dan had to stop giving a fuck.

He turned around and headed back to Phil’s.

Chapter 36

Phil was sat on the couch, biting at his fingernail. He wasn’t sure if and when Dan would come back and the thought that he might not, that all this build-up might have just ended in an unexpected crash, was too much. The thought fell heavy in his chest, so heavy it was almost suffocating. This had been such a long road, and Phil was so ready for that road to finally come to an end, for a new road to start. And now, he feared that might not ever happen at all.

He felt his eyes start to burn and wiped away a stray tear with the back of his hand. Another tear fell before he could even stop it and soon enough he was full on crying. Then, the front door opened back up. Phil startled when he saw Dan in the doorway. He sniffed back another sob and wiped some wetness off his cheeks, quickly trying to cover up that he’d been crying.

“Dan,” his voice was shaky, “Are you… alright?”

Dan didn’t reply just kept his eyes trained on Phil as he slowly walked over to him and sank down to his knees in front of Phil. He laid his head on Phil’s knees and shut his eyes.

“Dan?” Phil’s voice was still unsteady. He didn’t quite understand what was happening and he just wanted Dan to talk to him. “Please.”

“Phil, I…” Dan let out a breath and turned so his forehead was pressed against Phil’s knees.

Phil wasn’t sure if he should, but it was just instinct to reach out and lay a hand on Dan’s head.

“I love you,” Dan said, his voice muffled. “I’m so tired of being angry with you.”

“I understand it though, Dan. I understand why you are and I can’t ask and I’m not asking you to stop being angry. I also…it breaks my heart… but I understand if you can’t… do this.”

Dan sniffed then laid his cheek on Phil’s legs again. Phil ran his hand gently through Dan’s hair.

“Is it okay if I’m just… if there are moments when it comes back and I get upset and I have to just work through it? Like,” Dan let out a breath and sat back on his heels, “would you be okay with that? Could you live with it?”

Phil nodded. He knew this wasn’t all just going to go away because he wanted it to. He knew it would be a process for them both, but especially Dan, and Phil was more than willing to do any of the work he needed to do for this relationship to be what both of them needed.

“I can,” Phil said. “I can live with that. I’ll just need you to be honest, okay? Honest when you’re angry with me and let me know what you need from me.”

Dan bit his lip and looked up at Phil, eyes wide. “I can do that.”

“I love you too, you know.” Phil let himself settle, let himself get serious. “You’re it for me, Dan.”

“You’re it for me too, Phil. I’ve known that since the first day we met.”

“Sorry it took so long for me to figure it out.”

Dan gave him a small smile and moved up onto the couch beside Phil. “I just care that we’re here now, Phil.”

Phil leaned in and brought their mouths together. His heart flipped over in his chest, and he finally let himself remember—really remember—that it had always done that when he kissed Dan. Down to the very first time he’d ever done it.

Dan opened his mouth to Phil and Phil immediately wanted more. He pressed a tongue between Dan’s soft lips and licked at the top of his mouth. Dan let out a small, soft noise and the sound rushed through his body. He wanted more and he wanted it now, so he slid his hand over the back of Dan’s neck and tugged him in even closer.

They were nothing but moving lips and touching hands, trying to draw more out of each other. Dan was pushing back with a solid force. Maybe Phil gave into it a little too easily, maybe he wanted the pressure of Dan’s body on top of his, wanted to feel that hardness pressing down against his own. But when Dan thrust against him, heat sparking across Phil’s body, he knew he had to slow this down.

“D-Dan wait, wait.”

Dan stopped, pulled back a little. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing. I just. Dinner.”

“It’s barely afternoon.” Dan looked confused.

“No, I know. I just… I was going to take you out on a proper date before…."

Dan let out a disappointed little groan. “Okay, but like can’t we have a pre-date dry hump?”

Phil laughed and shoved at Dan’s shoulders. Dan sat up, looking over at him fondly.

“No, Dan. We can’t have a pre-date dry hump. I’m trying to do right by you for once.”

“You already blew me though so like… I feel like that counts and we have all afternoon and totally, definitely enough time to bone before and after dinner? Double bone.”

Phil looked over at Dan and he wasn’t sure but he was suddenly concerned that maybe he was making Dan think he didn’t want him, like he was stalling, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

“You know I want this, right?” Phil said. “Like I…I want to have sex with you right now. I just I think you deserve a proper date, but I would be more than happy to uh take you into the other room and just…”

“Just what?”

“Really, Dan? Do I have to spell it out for you?”

Dan’s lips curled up into a playful smirk. “I think I want you to.”

Phil’s throat was a little tight, but he had to say it because it was the truth. “Fuck you, Dan. I want to fuck you.”

A big smile broke out onto Dan’s face. “At least buy me dinner first.”

Phil giggled and rolled his eyes, shoving Dan a little. Dan shoved him back and they ended up laughing together and curling into each other on the couch. Somehow Dan ended up slotted behind him and Phil was just cuddled up into his arms—his very warm arms. It was comfortable in a way Phil could never remember feeling before, just letting himself match his breaths to Dan’s. They just sort of stayed there together, in relative silence, occasionally letting words pass between them, but mostly it seemed to be about the silence. The stillness.

They weren’t even watching television. They were both just snuggled up in the quiet of Phil’s living room, looking out the window. Occasionally, Dan would place a gentle kiss on the back or top of his head and Phil would let out a contented sigh because that’s what he was in a new way, a wonderful, new way—content.

After a few sporadic naps and quiet, soft conversation, they finally pulled apart long enough to get dressed and ready for dinner. When Dan came out into the living room, Phil felt the air get knocked completely out of him. He looked incredible. Tight black trousers that showed off a little of his ankle, a soft black jumper that was thin and probably cashmere. Phil’s instinct was to fight the urge to run his hand over the fabric, but then he remembered that he no longer had to fight that urge. Instead, he smoothed his hands out over the jumper, taking in the soft fabric and how it draped across Dan’s body. Goddamn. Dan had a good body.

“You ready to go,” Phil whispered, sliding his arms around Dan’s waist and pulling him in so their bodies were pressed together. “Because I think I’ve changed my mind and wound rather stay in.”

Dan put a hand on Phil’s cheek, slid it back and tugged gently on his ear before leaning down that little distance and pressing their wet mouths together. The kiss lit through Phil, like fire, like thousands of igniting little flames, and he didn’t resist the hot, sexual way Dan was biting at his bottom lip. Phil loved this. Letting Dan be sexual with him and not being afraid of it. Craving it.

When Dan pulled back for air, he tugged a little on Phil’s bottom lip with his teeth. Phil couldn’t wait for Dan to bite him all over. In that moment, he thought he might let Dan eat him alive.

“You’re not getting out of this date, Lester.”

“Alright, fine,” Phil said, unable to help the smile spreading across his face. As much as he wanted to have sex with Dan right now. He was also ready to get back to the way things had been long ago. Dinners and movies and just life with Dan. He missed it, and even if he hadn’t realized it at the time, he’d missed what they should have been then. They were going to make up for it now though.

 

Phil took Dan to a SkyBar because of course he did. This was where he’d taken Dan that first day they’d spent together. It had been expensive and he’d paid for it all himself because it had been a date, even if, when Dan kissed him, he’d panicked and realized he just wasn’t ready. But, tonight, Phil wanted a redo.

They had a good table with a wonderful view of the city, and as they ate, Phil would let their legs brush under the table, would run his foot up the side of Dan’s leg on purpose, wanting to keep those sparks growing throughout the evening. Phil loved being able to take Dan out like this—a proper date—absolutely no pretense between them.

“Thank you,” Dan said, quietly looking down at his plate.

“For what?”

“For this—for taking me out on a date.”

Phil smiled at him and when Dan smiled back, he felt the blush in his cheeks—a warm tug. “We have a lot to make up for, don’t we?”

Dan pressed his toe on top of Phil’s. “We do.”

“We did used to go out together all the time just…not like this.”

Dan bit his lip. “This is embarrassing because sometimes I’d pretend it was like this. Like before Roger, and then towards the end…”

“We were kind of all over each other when you were staying at my house.” Phil felt his mouth start to go dry.

“I wanted to kiss you so badly that night we were dancing…”

Phil swallowed. “I wanted you to… and I wanted you to kiss me when you did on the porch.”

“It turns me on just thinking about that kiss. Just thinking about you…”

“Do you want dessert or…”

Dan shook his head. “I want go home, Phil.”

There was a sudden jolt of panic in Phil’s chest. Was Dan second guessing this? “You want to… I can drive you home.”

“No, Phil. No. I meant… back to your house… or we can go to mine. It doesn’t matter.”

“Oh… oh thank  God.” Phil smiled. “I haven’t been to yours yet.”

“It’s closer, and I’d rather not wait.”

Phil smiled and called the waiter over to give them check.

. . .

 

Dan drove Phil’s car back to his own flat. As they navigated the too-busy streets, Dan kept one hand on the wheel and the other locked with Phil’s. When they finally arrived at his flat, Dan parked the car a little crooked in the spot. God, he was so distracted by thoughts of what was to come.

He led Phil to his front door, and unlocked the door, letting them both in.

Phil looked around. “Wow,” Phil said. “It’s a really nice place, Dan. I loved the curved walls.”

Dan smiled. “Thank you. It felt very me, though the bedroom is a bit of a dank cave.”

“That’s very you too then.” Phil looked over at him, a small smile on his face.

Phil was so gorgeous, from his quiffed black hair with its slightly greying roots, to the black frames that surrounded his eyes with their wonderful crinkles. He had the faintest stubble along his cheeks. He’d matured so wonderfully over the years, Dan was looking forward to staring at this man for the rest of his damn life.

“Phil,” Dan breathed, unable to contain himself.

“What?”

“Come here.”

Phil slowly walked toward him, a hand tucked into his pocket. “Where’s your bedroom?”

“Upstairs.”

“Want to show me?” Phil asked, though his voice was so low it was barely audible.

Dan swallowed, his voice tight, everything in his whole body was tight. “God, yes.”

Dan walked up to his bedroom. He could feel Phil following up behind him, each footstep made the heat in his body grow. By the time he was opening his bedroom door, he was scorching all over.

Dan flipped on the light. “So, uh, there it is.”

“Hm,” Phil said. “It’s not too dank. I like your mirror, is that new?”

Dan looked to the head of the bed were his black moon mirror hung. “Yeah, it was the one indulgence I let myself have after moving in here.”

“Well, I really like it.”

“Thanks.” There was a moment of silence then Dan just couldn’t take it anymore, the hesitation, the awkwardness, and so he just came out and said it, “Phil, do you want to fuck me now?”

Phil smiled and let out a surprised-sounding laugh. “God yes.” He backed Dan against the wall and kissed him hard.

A deep, hard wonderful kiss full of the heat and force Dan craved. Dan kissed him back, letting their tongues move together. He sucked Phil’s tongue into his mouth. Phil shook against him and Dan just found a way to pull him in even tighter, his arms like a vice around Phil’s waist. And suddenly, he hated it. Hated that they were two bodies when they should have been one.

Dan growled against Phil’s mouth and backed him toward the bed as fast as he could. Before he knew it, Phil was flat on his back on the bed and Dan was over him, covering his body completely, kissing him and biting at those wet puffy lips. He thrust his hips down, pushing Phil into the mattress, feeling his hard cock through his pants.

He had to get their clothes off now. Right now. He’d waited so goddamn fucking long for this and it was enough.

Dan sat back on his knees, a leg on each side of Phil and tore his jumper off over his head. He threw it the side.

“Fuck, Dan,” Phil said. “I’m never going to get tired of seeing you like this.”

“You better fucking not.”

Phil put a hand on Dan’s heart and ran it down Dan’s chest to the light trail of hair leading under his trousers. Dan shoved Phil’s hand out of the way because he needed this to go faster. He unbuckled his belt. It snapped loudly as he stripped it off and threw it aside.

“Fuck, fuck, ” Phil muttered.

“What?”

“That’s so hot.”

Dan shut his eyes and let those words wash over him. Phil was calling him hot. He’d always wanted this. Always dreamed of it. Phil thinking he was hot. Phil wanting him. Some things in life, most things really, didn’t live up to the hype, but this did. This absolutely did.

Dan hurried to take off his trousers so he was in nothing but his pants when he climbed back on Phil and started tugging his shirt off too. As soon as he was bare-chested, Dan couldn’t resist the desire to dip his head and suck one of those tight pink nipples into his mouth.

Phil practically squealed and arched off the bed. “Dan, Dan. ”

“You love that, don’t you?”

“It feels really good… you have an incredible mouth.”

Dan licked his tongue flat over Phil’s nipple. “Mmm… you haven’t even seen the half of it. I haven’t even got to blow you, yet…. I mean, since….”

“That was the best orgasm I’ve ever had.”

“I can do it again. I love to do it,” Dan said, a little incoherently. “I even like to swallow now.”

Phil started frantically working to get his pants off and Dan slid down his body to help him tug them off. Now they were both just in their pants, kissing and rutting nothing but the thing soft fabric of their pants between them.

“You never said,” Dan whispered in Phil’s ear. “Did you want me to blow you?”

Phil nodded. “But I don’t want to finish that way.”

“How do you want to come?”

“In… inside you. Would you want that?”

Dan full body shivered. Of course he wanted that. He’d only been dreaming of it for over a decade. He’d wanted Phil to be the first to take him like, but that hadn’t happened. Phil could be his last. Dan was more than okay with that.

“Yes, yes, Phil.” Dan leaned over and kissed him on the mouth again, just let himself sink totally into the kiss as he and Phil moved against each other.

Slowly, Dan moved his mouth down Phil’s body and dragged his pants off.

“Holy shit,” Dan said.

“What?”

“I forgot how fucking big you are.” He hadn’t seen Phil’s cock the other night. It had been over a decade since he’d seen it and he didn’t have much in real life to compare it to at the time.

“Is that going to be a problem? Sorry,” Phil blushed, “I don’t really know how it works.”

Dan stared at Phil’s cock. His thick, long, red, leaking cock. God, he wanted it in his mouth, in his ass. It was a lot, but it was Phil. He’d take anything Phil wanted to give him.

Dan kissed up Phil’s inner thigh, then placed his wet mouth over Phil’s balls. Fuck, he loved the weight of them in his mouth. Then, he nudged his nose at the base of Phil’s shaft, leaned up to just rub his face against it.

“I can take it,” he said, softly. “Biggest cock I’ve ever had, but it’s not going to be a problem. It’s anything but a problem.” He was pretty sure it was—and before Roger, Dan had… well, he’d bent over for a lot men.

Dan sank his mouth over Phil’s dick, loving the silky smooth skin against his lips. He licked and sucked and reveled in the stretch and fullness. He just loved having something in his mouth. He’d missed it over the last few months, missed it so much that he’d one or twice come with a slick hand on his cock and a dildo in his mouth.

“Dan, stop.”

Dan pulled back, and Phil raked a hand through his hair.

“You’re just too good at that. I’m going to come too soon if you don’t stop… how do I, um…?”

“How do you what?”

“O-open you up?”

“Have you never done it to yourself, Phil?”

Phil turned a bright red and shook his head. “No. I… no. Nothing more than that one time…”

Dan knows what Phil means… way back when when Dan was giving him a hand job and slipped his hand down to stroke over his hole, but Dan hadn’t pressed in then.

“So how do I?” Phil asked. “I want it to be good for you.”

Dan pulled a bottle of lube out of his nightstand. “Give me your hand.”

Phil agreed and Dan leaned down and sucked Phil’s pointer finger into his mouth, wetting it, then he moved onto the middle finger—did the same thing. It wasn’t necessary but he wanted those long pretty fingers in his mouth. Then, Dan finally dribbled the lube over Phil’s fingers.

His heart was pounding as he tugged off his own pants, so he was completely naked.

“You have… such a pretty cock, Dan,” Phil said quietly.

“I’m glad you like it.” Dan blushed.

“Love it.”

Dan’s heart was pounding wildly as he slowly turned around, their cocks were lined up and Dan couldn’t resist wrapping his hand around them, squeezing, looking at the size of him compared to Phil. He wasn’t small, but Phil was fucking hung and it made him feel small. He kind of liked it.

Dan laid down, face on the bed. He kissed Phil’s ankle and lifted his ass so Phil could reach it.

“Oh fuck,” Phil said. “Dan. Oh God. Can I touch you?”

“Please.”

Dan felt himself blush all over. Phil—his best friend Phil—was staring at his ass, at the most intimate part of him. Then—holy fuck—Phil was touching him there. Just the long gentle stroke of a single finger. A simple touch that made every bone in Dan’s body shake.

“You can push in,” Dan said. “If you want.”

Phil slowly pet his rim with that single finger and then Dan felt the light stretch as Phil started to sink the finger in.

“You’re tight. Does that hurt?”

“No,” Dan squeezed around him. “Feels so good. Just move it in and out.”

Phil did, and it didn’t take long for him to get the idea, to fuck Dan with that finger and make him feel so good.

“Can I add another?”

“Yeah… do it.”

So Phil did, and the stretch was even more. Dan felt even fuller and it only took a few motions in and out for Dan to want to say that he was ready to take Phil’s cock, but Phil’s cock was much bigger than two of his fingers.

“Stretch your fingers apart, Phil. You need to open me up.”

Dan could feel an immediate stretch—Phil complying with his demand—and Dan let out a loud whimper. He couldn’t help it. It felt so good, especially knowing who was doing this to him.

“This looks amazing, Dan,” Phil said. “I feel like… like I’m going to come from just looking at you like this.”

“You can’t because I want you to come inside me.”

“Do you want to wear a condom? Do you have a condom?”

“I haven’t had sex with anyone but Roger in five years, Phil—and I got checked recently anyway. I’m clean.”

“Me too. There’s only been June.” Phil moved his fingers again and this time in a new way. He touched that singing part inside Dan that had him shouting and biting at the duvet.

“God, right there, Phil. Again.”

Phil did it again, and Dan was hot and sweaty and writhing back on Phil’s curling fingers. He couldn’t take it anymore. Dan pulled away from Phil’s touch and turned around. He moved to hover over Phil’s cock, settling down so he could feel the tip against his hole.

Dan leaned down to kiss Phil on the mouth. It was surprisingly slow and wet, surging with a rolling heat that was both in his mouth and all over his skin. He pulled away and settled right over Phil’s cock. Their eyes locked together—and it was almost too much for Dan to handle, but he was here, finally here, and he wanted it to feel like too much, like the force of it could splinter him apart. He drew in a deep breath and began to sink down on Phil’s thick cock.

It felt even bigger than he looked, and Dan squeezed his eyes shut, tossing his head back to feel the stretch between his legs and in his neck. He couldn’t stop muttering Phil’s name incoherently, and he could hear Phil responding with Dan’s name. Dan. Phil. Phil. Dan.

“Oh my God,” Phil said. “Oh my God, Dan.”

“Yeah?”

“You feel so good. How do you feel so good?”

“How do you?” Dan groaned as he lifted himself up a little before dropping back down.

Phil gripped onto his waist. “Fuck.”

Dan did that a few more times just braced himself and bounced on the cock, just letting himself sink into the full wonderful stretch, into having Phil inside him for the first time ever.

“I can’t believe,” Dan muttered. “this is… it’s everything. You’re everything.” He tilted forward and kissed Phil again. The new angle hit his prostate perfectly and Dan let out a high-pitched squeal as Phil fucked up into him.

“Phil, Phil. ”

Phil just kept snapping his hips up into Dan as they kissed and Dan thrust his cock against Phil’s stomach, wanting as much friction as he could manage.

“Can we… can we flip over?” Phil said, breathlessly. “I want to… can I fuck you harder?”

“Yeah, shit. Hell yeah.” Dan used his weight to flip them over, sliding underneath Phil without them ever coming apart.

He liked this—this one body instead of two thing.

He also liked this. Being flat on his back, Phil between his legs. Red-faced and sweating, grunting, his hips snapping into Dan’s, his cock driving deeper and deeper, rubbing over Dan’s prostate, making him shake and beg for more, harder and faster. Just more.

“ God, Dan. It feels too good. You’re so tight. I’m so close.”

Phil reached his hand around Dan’s cock, sliding up and down with those lovely fingers, long wonderful strokes that were just what Dan wanted, just exactly what he needed.

“God, Dan. Fuck, fuck. I’m gonna—”

“Come, Phil. Do it. God. Come in me. Come in me.”

“Dan,” Phil nearly shouted, then crushed his mouth to Dan’s blocking out the air, blocking out anything but Phil, but his hand squeezing tight around Dan’s cock, his cock pulsing warm and wet inside Dan, filling him up.

This was everything. All of it. It hit hard, like the earth had just stopped spinning on its axis. Dan shouted for Phil and scrambled at his bare skin as he came in long spurts all over is his chest and up onto his neck. He could feel the wet warmth settling in the curves of collarbones as he squeezed and contracted around Phil’s softening cock.

It was messy and intimate and wonderful. It was absolutely worth the wait.

Slowly, so slowly, Phil pulled out, still gasping for breath. He gently pushed Dan’s knees up and started playing with his rim again, dipping his fingers back inside. Dan was sensitive and sore, but he didn’t care. He wanted Phil to touch him like that, to just explore him.

“I love that,” Phil whispered. “So… it’s pretty.”

Dan blushed. It was still like a dream to hear Phil say those things to him. Phil who he thought he’d missed out on. Phil who he always had to watch from a distance was in his bed, watching his come drip out of Dan’s ass.

Phil wiped his hand through the come on Dan’s chest then brought it to his lips, and smiling, ate it off his fingers. He scooped up some more and held his fingers out to Dan. “Want some?”

Dan laughed. “You’re ridiculous,” he said, but it didn’t stop him from leaning forward and licking his own salty stickiness off Phil’s fingers.

Phil collapsed down beside him. “I love you, Dan, and I really want to do that again.”

Dan smiled at him and kissed him on the nose. “As soon as you can get it up again old man.”

“I’m not that much older than you.” Phil pouted.

“It’s a race then,” Dan said. “Dan versus Phil.”

Chapter 37

Notes:

thanks so much everyone for reading!! and for being supportive and awesome along the way and for all your wonderful thoughts and comments. and a special thanks to waveydnp for all her help and support (and typo-finding skills)! if you want to check out the prequel about Dan and Phil's early angsty fwb relationship --it's called Decisions and Revisions and I've already started posting on here with my other works. There may also be a Dan/Roger prequel as well. not dtu related, but i'll start posting another long chaptered fic soon called Six Ravens on April 3rd--it's kind of a realistic but still hopeful take on what it would be like for England to have a queer prince. also if you haven't already you can follow me on tumblr or twitter iihappydaysii. thanks again for everything!!

Ashley

now onto the last chapter!

Phil missed his kids. He always missed his kids, but this week was still one of the best of his life. He couldn’t believe it was almost over. Just one of more day of being huddled away alone with Dan, like they had no intention of ever going outside again.

The sunlight had just started to peak in through the window and Phil didn’t expect Dan to be awake when he turned toward him, but he was. His eyes were open, his lips turned up into the softest smile and he was just looking at Phil like he was a Christmas present he’d waited so long to unwrap.

“Good morning,” Dan said dreamily. His curls were a poofy mess on his head, flattened out on side and sticking up on the other. It was adorable.

“Morning.” Phil yawned. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” Dan matched his yawn. “Love waking up with you.”

Phil smiled, snuggling down into the covers a little more. They’d stayed at Dan’s apartment. It felt like more of a getaway, and he missed the city and its noise. Besides, Dan had picked a really cool flat. He liked the big windows and the curved walls and the strange set-up.

“Can’t believe this week is almost over,” Phil said. “We pick up the kids tomorrow.”

“I miss them,” Dan said. “But I’ll also miss sleeping naked and having sex at all hours of the day.”

Phil grinned. “That has been nice.”

And it really has been. They’ve been like insatiable teenagers making up for lost time. He’d lost track at this point of the number of times Dan’s hands had been on his body. He loved kissing all over that tan skin and finding places to kiss he’d never even thought about kissing before. He loved the way Dan felt so tight and warm around his fingertips when he’d open him up to press inside him. Phil loved Dan on his back with his legs spread, loved him face first in the pillows, Phil pushing into him from behind. He loved Dan sat in his lap, squirming on his cock and warm all over.
His favorite time was when Dan had just stepped out of the shower and Phil had slipped inside the room, pressed him up against the wall and slid lubed fingers down his crack and just played with his soft hole. He bit at Dan’s shoulders and back until he could tell Dan was open enough and he fucked into Dan slow and hot, both of them standing, both of them wanting, neither of them saying a word. The whole time it was nothing but Dan’s gentle whines and Phil’s grunts in Dan’s ear as they both chased down that too-good feeling together.

Phil shifted over and ran his hand down Dan’s chest. The memory was too much to not intensify his morning wood. His hand slipped right over Dan’s cock and it was incredible to think he could just do that now.

Dan’s eyes fluttered shut. “Before this week, I had no idea how horny you were.”

Phil scooted in, rubbing his hand over Dan’s erection. He had such a good cock, so silky and smooth. “Me either.” He slipped his hand down, wrapped his fingers around Dan’s balls. He’d learned Dan liked that a lot. Then, Phil started to slip his hand down further.

“Stop,” Dan said, his voice cracking.

Phil pulled his hand away. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. God, nothing. It’s just…” Dan let out a breath. “First, I think we should clean up and get rid of our morning breath and shit, and I feel like I smell.”

“I don’t care,” Phil mumbled. Dan was right. He really was horny all the time now.

Dan kissed Phil on the nose. “Well, I do, and also… I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Phil tensed. “About what?”

“Nothing bad… I don’t think…” Dan ran gentle fingers through Phil’s hair. “I love your grey roots. You should just let it go. You’d be a sexy silver fox.”

“Dan.”

“Sorry.” Dan looked down and away from Phil. “I was just wondering if, and I know you mentioned it before, and it’s okay if you don’t want to, or you’re not ready, but I was wondering if… if you’d, well, if you’d want to bottom.”
Fuck. “I—“

“It really is okay if you don’t want to. I almost never topped with Roger and I was fine with it. I just, if you wanted to try.”

Phil felt flutters in his stomach. “I want to try everything with you, Dan.”

“Just please, please tell me if you don’t like it. It’s a very different feeling and you don’t have to do it. Don’t think I’d be upset or that it would change anything. I just… oh God, I want to fuck you.”

Phil was nervous. He’d never had anything inside him and he wanted to know about this—know how it felt to be fucked by Dan, to let him in like that.

“I want that too. I’m nervous, but I want it.”

Dan scooted in, gave Phil a long, wet kiss—the kind with intention behind it. “I’m going to make it feel so good for you,” he said against Phil’s lips.

“You don’t have to like it, but I hope you do.”

“So you really like to… to top?”

Dan grinned and nudged their noses together. “Yeah, well don’t you?”

Phil giggled, sticking his tongue between his teeth. “Point taken.”

They got out of bed and ate some breakfast, barely letting any inches of empty space come between them, and then hopped in the shower together.

They both took the time to clean each other—and Phil loved the smell of Dan’s soap. He’d been using it all week, but he loved how it smelled even more when they were both rubbing it all over each other’s waiting skin.

By the time they got out of the shower, by the time they dried each other off, leaving happy playful kisses along the way, they were both rock hard and ready. Phil didn’t know how he’d react, how it would feel or if he’d like it, but he knew he was ready to have Dan inside him, making love to him.

A weird way to phrase it maybe, but that’s what it was.

Dan’s mouth was on his mouth as he backed him into the bedroom. It started out slow and deep, but it wasn’t long before something seemed to snap inside Dan and he was becoming wilder, more desperate by the second. His tongue was hot as it pressed between Phil’s lips and filled his mouth. Dan’s teeth were strong and shocking on his lips, biting and tugging in a way that sent hot shocks all across Phil’s skin.

“God, Phil.” Dan was breathing heavily. “Can I show you?”

“Show me what?” Phil said, a little dazed.

“Exactly what I wanted to do to you the night I kissed you on the porch.”

Phil shivered, his stomach flipping at the memory. “Yes, yes. Dan, oh God, please.”

Dan just growled and kissed him hard again. Suddenly, Phil was back in that hallway at his old house. He was pressed against the wall, backed up toward the staircase. This time he didn’t knock the family photograph off the wall. This time, Dan kept leading him back and Phil kept following him.
Here, Dan’s mouth was on him, and there it was too. Hot and desperate and aching. Phil was tense and pulled tight, but in the best way. The kind of tension just before a release, a muscle stretched out in a way that hurt and felt good at the same. There, Dan’s mouth was on him too. Leading him with careful, but insistent guidance up the stairs and into the hallway. There, Dan was taking Phil’s shirt off, yanking it up and over his head, frantic and wild. Here, Phil was already naked, already bare for him.

Here, Phil’s knees hit the back of the bed and Phil gasped as he sat down, his bare ass on Dan’s soft grey duvet, and Dan just kept leaning forward, kept guiding him farther back on the bed. There, in this universe that wasn’t, Dan was pulling his own jumper off over his head and tossing it aside.

He was working Phil’s jeans open and his own jeans open, and knew he shouldn’t have been doing it, but he didn’t care. He let Dan shove him against the wall and rock their cocks together through their pants. He let Dan pin his wrists against the wall and rut against him. He wanted Dan to—needed it.

Here, their mouths were barely leaving each other’s for any time at all and Phil just kept feeling that slightly damp, warm skin under his hands, sliding over Dan’s arms and pinching at his nipples. Phil loved nipples. He loved his and he loved Dan’s. It had even been his favorite thing with June.

There, Phil was thinking of June, of how those were her drapes she’d picked out, and the rug too, and her pillow on the bed, and he was caring and not caring all at the same time because Dan was working himself out of his pants and working Phil out of his pants, and God, their cocks looked so good together. Here and there. Everywhere.

Here, when Dan’s mouth left Phil’s, he hated it for a moment, but then Dan was kissing hard and wet down his neck to his nipples. Phil shouted, not caring who could hear them anymore because it didn’t matter who heard them. This wasn’t a secret. Would never be a secret. Dan was the kind of thing, the kind of love, you were always meant to shout about. There, it was a secret, a dark one, and Phil was drowning in it but that was okay because they were both naked now and Dan was backing him against his own bed and Phil was going easily beneath him because how do you not go easily beneath a man like that?

Here, Dan just kept going past Phil’s nipples, licking into his navel and mouth wetly down the trail of hair that led to his cock, his hard, throbbing cock that Dan just easily, happily, sank his mouth around.

“Fuck!” Phil shouted, his hand going into Dan’s curls, tugging on them, as Dan worked him with his mouth. It was crazy how Dan had seemed to learn all the tricks to make Phil feel good so quickly. Phil felt tears—good tears—prickle at the corners of his eyes when Dan dragged the tip of tongue over Phil’s slit.

There, Dan was careful not to leave behind bruises in the places that he kissed. They’d both know they’d have to hide this tomorrow. Here, there was nothing at all careful about Dan’s mouth, about the strong, hot bites he was leaving on Phil’s pale inner thighs. All he could imagine was what he’d look like later, littered with marks in the shape of Dan’s mouth. There, Dan was working his way between Phil’s legs, rubbing his cock along the cleft of Phil’s ass, muttering something like “Tell me you have lube. God, Phil. Tell me you have some. I need to.” And Phil was getting into June’s bedside drawer and pulling out a little pink bottle. Here, Dan had lube. Plenty of it, despite how much they’d used this week already. He had plenty of it in a drawer full of dildos and vibrators. He’d come so hard earlier this week, watching Dan play with himself with one of the vibrators.

Dan settled back a little, coating his fingers with lube. “Do you want just my fingers or—? Since you’ve never… can I use one of my smaller didos on you first?”

Phil flushed hot. There was something so dirty to him about a dildo, and not just any dildo, Dan’s that Dan had gotten for himself, to make himself feel good, being pressed inside Phil.

“Will it help?” Phil asked.

“Yeah, it helps a lot.” Dan started to say something and then stopped.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Please, tell me. You don’t have to hide anything from me, Dan. I don’t want you to.”

Dan let out a breath. “Roger used to do it for me. In the beginning, when I wasn’t used to it. I did it, but I wasn’t a huge fan of bottoming before him.

He…” Dan blushed.

“What?” Phil asked softly.

“He showed me how good it could be. I’m sorry, Phil.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Phil said, suddenly realizing just how much he meant it. “Roger’s a part of you, and I love all the parts of you.”

Here, Dan said, “I love you so much.”

There, Dan said, “Spread your legs.”

Here and there, Dan was kissing his thighs and slipping a finger between his legs, petting gently over his hole.

Here, Dan said, “Can I kiss you here?”

There, Dan just said, “Relax, Phil. I’ve got you” and slowly pressed his finger in.

“Yes,” Phil said, here and there.

And here, Dan let out a little gasp as he pushed Phil’s knees up to his chest, scooted in behind him, dipping down enough to put that wonderful, wet hot mouth on a part of Phil nobody had ever kissed before. It was sweet and slow, then a slip of tongue, growing more intense. It was kiss that matched the way Dan kissed his mouth. Something about that made Phil feel like crying. But he didn’t. It would blur his vision and he wanted to look down between his legs and see Dan there, loving him like that.

There, it was quick—all fingers. Still good, but a little sharper, a little more intense.

Here, it just started with slick fingers, with Dan saying, “I’m going to press in now. Tell me if you need to me to stop.”

Phil nodded, then managed a shaky, “Please.”

Dan slowly pressed that wet finger into him and it felt new and strange—a little uncomfortable but certainly not unwelcome. Phil liked that it made his body feel a little uncomfortable because he was excited to trust Dan with that kind of newness, that kind of giving himself over.

“Good?” Dan asked, sounding certain.

“So good.” It was. It was so good.

“Can I do another?” he asked, and Phil felt the pressed of a second of one of Dan’s big fingers against his rim.

Phil spread his legs wider. “Please.”

Dan pressed that second finger in—fuck that was a lot, oh God—and that had Phil instinctively squirming away.

“Should I stop?” Dan asked.

“No, no,” Phil said, but he still couldn’t stop squirming, so Dan held his hip down hard, settling Phil down, as he worked that big second finger inside. 

“Breathe, Phil. I know it’s different. I know.” 

Knowing just how this felt, it was pretty hard to imagine how Dan took Phil’s cock so easily. Phil wasn’t small and one time this week, Dan had taken him with no fingering and just a lot of lube. It had been hot but Phil hadn’t realized just how much he’d asked of him doing that, just how much Dan had been willing to give.

“I’m going to move them now, okay?” Dan asked.

Phil nodded, and Dan started moving his fingers in and out, and Phil was finding it harder to breathe, especially when Dan wrapped a hand around

Phil’s cock and started to slowly move both his hands in rhythm.

Dan pulled his fingers out and Phil let out a gasp. Dan moved away long enough to dig around his bedside drawer, and Phil knew exactly what that meant, which had his heart pounding and his toes curling.

Dan had a small silicone dildo in his hand—it was silver and kind of sparkly, and he was coating it in the lube, then teasing it between Phil’s cheeks.

“Oh God, Dan. Oh God.”

Dan put the head of the dildo against Phil’s hole and started to press in.

“Fuck, fuck.” Phil tossed his head, hips lifting off the bed. It was more than Dan’s two fingers, and longer and it was a strange feeling to be stretched and full like that.

“How’s that?” Dan asked, his voice low. He sounded nervous. He was fucking the dildo in and out slowly. “Do you like it? It’s going to feel a little like that when I’m—“

Phil could only hope it felt a lot like that. A lot like that but more.

“Yes, yes. Don’t stop,” Phil muttered.

Dan didn’t just not stop. He started pushing that dildo in and out even faster and his own hand was around his cock.

“S-sorry,” Dan said. “You just look so good like this. Phil, Phil.”

Phil wrapped a hand around his own cock and started flicking his wrist. “So good, so good,” he mumbled, and then Dan turned the dildo and Phil saw fucking stars.

“Shit, fuck, shit.” Phil gasped, pressing back against the dildo, desperately trying to get Dan to hit that spot again.

Here, Dan moved that dildo again, just the right way to make every part of Phil totally numb.

There, it was Dan’s quick fingers that curled into that spot, that made small tears leak out of the corners of his eyes because Phil had never felt anything like that, never thought he could.

Here, Dan left the dildo buried inside Phil, leaving him nice and full, as Dan moved back up his body, laid a wet kiss on his mouth. It was messy and imprecise in the absolute best way. Then, he was reaching back down between them, and Phil was feeling that strange, new, good feeling of Dan sliding the dildo out—this time all the way out, then he was leaning against Phil’s ear.

“I want… Phil, are you… I just really want to be inside you.”

Phil put a hand on Dan’s face, pulled their gazes together, letting their noses barely touch. “I want that too.”

Here, a calm relief seemed to flood over Dan as he lined himself up with Phil, the warm head of a wet cock at Phil’s entrance.

There, Dan was pushing up Phil’s knees and asking for permission and Phil was nodding and that was it.

Here and there, Dan was fucking Phil.

And, suddenly, there was another there, a more distant one, one he could feel something like a far off vibration. A universe where when Dan had kissed him on the Manchester Eye Phil hadn’t been afraid. One where they’d made out on his bedroom floor after the first pinof. One where they’d put their arms around each other and held hands and called it what it was from the moment it  was. At least, to each other. There was a world where they’d built a home together, a life together, a love together, from the very beginning. It was there. Somewhere.

But, here, as Dan pushed inside Phil, and Phil felt that connection that moment of openness of feeling Dan like that, Dan who he had been afraid to love, to let in like this. In the end, the silliest fear and the most destructive. Phil was looking in Dan’s eyes and Dan was looking back and Phil thought he’d never felt anything like that, not even when he’d pushed into Dan for the first time. Not their first kiss. Not ever. This feeling—whatever it was—Phil had never felt it before. All he knew was it was happening here. Here.

And Phil Lester never again wanted to be anywhere but right here.

So he kissed Dan and Dan kissed him and they moved together on this bed, feeling each other and wanting each other as long as they could stand it, as long as their bodies could hold out before Phil was spilling on his stomach and Dan was spilling deep inside Phil, and it was all good and it was all here. All of it, everything he needed.

Here.

Right here in this universe.

Three Months Later

Dan was sitting in a hospital waiting room, Phil asleep on his chest. He and Phil had been house hunting when they’d gotten the call. Some people might have said it was too soon to buy a house together, but that sounded ridiculous to Dan and it had to Phil too. Too soon? Fourteen years was not too soon. And it wasn’t like they hadn’t been taking their issues seriously. They were doing exactly that. Dan was in therapy. Phil was in therapy, and they were also doing couples counseling. Clearly they’d had issues with communication over the years and they didn’t want that to affect them now.

But when June had called and said they needed to get to hospital now, Dan’s heart had stopped. Teddy had been hurt at football practice—a broken leg—and was rushed to the hospital. Dan couldn’t imagine that the ambulance had rushed any faster than Dan had when he’d learned. There had been a few red lights along the way, but Dan hadn’t stopped for most of them. Phil had been gripping the window and saying they were going to end up in the hospital too, but this was Teddy. Teddy.

June was standing there with the doctor when they arrived, trying to listen to the doctor as Rosalie wiggled around at June’s feet. Immediately when they’d walked in the room, Rosalie had shouted, “Daddy! Danny!” and came bolting into Dan’s arm. Rosalie didn’t call him ‘Uncle Dan’ anymore. Slowly, she’d followed Teddy’s lead there, especially after he’d apparently explained it was ‘weird’ to call Dan ‘uncle’ because that was like he was Dad’s brother , which was gross because he was Dad’s boyfriend . Dan would never forget Rosalie walking up to him and saying, “I’m not going to call you Uncle Dan anymore.” Even though he understood and it was probably for the best, it had stung. But she’d squinted her eyes at him, like she was thinking really hard then said, “I’m going to start calling you Danny.” Dan had let out a startled laugh at the time. But Rosie had—pretty consistently—kept to her word ever since.

And now, June had taken Rosalie to the gift shop, and Dan was nervously tapping his toe on the hospital floor tiles, and Phil was snoring lightly as they waited for Teddy’s surgery. Apparently, for his best chance at proper healing, he needed several pins in his shin bone. When Dan had seen Teddy before the surgery, his cheeks had been pink-stained and his eyes swollen.

Before the nurses had taken him off, Dan had talked with Teddy, “You’re going to be just fine. I promise. You know, I love you, right? It might not be a super cool, you know, edgy thing to say, but I love you, sport.”

The sport thing had started as an inside joke, but now it was also sort of a thing. A thing that meant something to both of them.

“Mum told me, you know?”

“Told you what?”

“What you did for me when I was baby. How she was so worried something would happen to me that she couldn’t sleep so you stayed up all night just to watch me and make sure I was still breathing.”

Dan ran his hand through Teddy’s hair, feeling a tear start to burn at his eyes. “Teddy.”

He shrugged. “So yeah, like, I love you too, Dan.”

They rolled Teddy off to surgery after that and now Dan was here, helpless in this waiting room, when he felt like he belonged in the OR just making sure Teddy was still breathing.

“Dan?” The voice was familiar but it wasn’t a voice he’d heard in a while.

Dan looked toward the sound and there he was. As tall and lovely as ever. “Roger.”

“Is Teddy okay?”

“He’s in surgery. The break was bad. They have to put pins in his leg, but he should be okay—and hopefully out of surgery soon.”

Roger let out a breath, and Dan could see him visibly relax, not all the way, but enough and then he seemed to notice what had been there all along that he’d been too worried about Teddy to focus on. Dan with his arm around Phil. Phil cuddled up against him.

“Roger, I—”

“It’s fine.” Roger kept his voice down. “I mean it… it’s hard, but it’s fine. I knew you were together, and June said you were getting serious. House hunting?”

“Yeah, haven’t found anything we really like yet, though,” Dan said. “I heard you were seeing someone too.”

Roger nodded sitting down beside Dan on one of the chairs. It felt weird to be close to him again. Not bad weird though. “You remember me telling you about Eric, from uni?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, he was like your ‘one who got away’.”

A small smile curled on Roger’s face as he looked down at Phil. “I guess we both ended up with the ones we thought got away.”

“It’s serious for you and Eric then?” Dan asked. “Not to pry, I’m just… do I sound like an enormous dick if I say I’m worried about you?”

“I’m okay, Dan. I’ve been talking to someone about it and Eric is… it’s always been different with him. He’s straightforward. Calls me out on my crap. He’d certainly never let me idolize him.” Roger let out a small laugh. “I called him perfect once, just casually, and he said in the most serious but gentle voice ‘Roger, I’m a person. I’m not perfect, and I don’t think I need to be for you to love me.’ I’ll never fucking forget that.”

“He sounds… well, I won’t say perfect for you.” Dan nudged Roger’s arm. “He sounds like, like what you need.”

Roger let out a quiet breath, then looked over at Phil again. “Phil is a sound sleeper.”

“Isn’t he?” Dan chuckled. “Sometimes he’s just faking it so I have to get the buzzer but I don’t think he is now.”

“I’m glad to see you’ve both gone back to making your videos and such. I mean I don’t watch--that would be weird--but…”

“Yeah, it’s good. It’s what we’ve always loved to do.”

Just then June came into the room holding Rosalie who was holding a small stuffed dinosaur. Rosalie shouted, “Roger!” when she saw him and slid out of June’s arms rushed into Roger’s.

This was enough to finally wake Phil, who sat straight up with a gasp. ”What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Everything’s fine,” June said.

Phil asked, “Is Teddy—”

“Not yet,” June replied. “Should be soon.”

“Do you like my dinosaur?” Rosalie asked, holding the stuffed creature close to Roger’s face.

“I love it sweetie. Very terrifying.”

“I’m going to scare Teddy with it when he comes back.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t do that,” Roger said. “Maybe just give him a dino kiss.” He gently took the dinosaur from her and had it kiss her on the forehead.

“Nah,” Rosie said. “Scaring is more fun.”

They all sat down in that small waiting room together and spoke softly, easily, as if the events of the past several months had all been like a strange holiday that they were finally just getting back from. Eventually the doctor came in and said they could go back and see Teddy. The doctor told them he was fine, which was more relief than Dan could even explain. The doctor also said he was awake and not even as groggy as they’d expected them to be.

It might not have been the best idea, but Roger knew how to sweet-talk and he convinced the doctor to let them all go back in at once. Phil was carrying Rosalie and her little dinosaur and they were all squishing into that small sterile room.

Teddy looked small on the bed and in the hospital gown, but his eyes were open and he even managed a small, but lopsided smile.

“You’re all here?” Teddy said, a little drowsily.

“We’re a family,” June said. “Of course we are.”