I'm Scared

by JuliaMG

Summary:

Isak confesses his fears to Even as they are off to sleep, and it breaks the older boy's heart, but he needs to stay strong for his boyfriend now.

Notes:

This weren't supposed to be this long, but I hope you enjoy anyways. Depression is a b*tch, but the people around you who love you would never be better off without you in their lives. It gets better.

Take care! <3

Chapter 1

"I am scared."

Isak's voice is so small that Even barely hears it over the rustling sounds the covers make as Isak shifts closer to him, burying his nose into the crook of Even's neck. The weak confession comes out of nowhere and takes Even by surprise. His beautiful man has been distant the whole day and the smiles he had worn had looked forced, so Even knew something was up, but the three words he now utters makes Even feel cold inside nonetheless.

It takes him a moment to gather himself and to remember how to speak, and when he does, his voice is nearly as quiet as Isak's was. "What are you scared of Issy?"

Silence stretches on between them until Even almost starts to wonder if Isak has fallen asleep, but then he moves again, one arm coming up to rest on Even's chest. Even turns his head slightly to the left so that he can steal a look of him, but Isak stubbornly stares at the way his fingers strokes tiny circles over Even's heart.

"I..." Isak begins, before closing his mouth again, a frown etched onto his forehead. He isn't drunk, they had only taken a
couple of beers at Jonas’s, but he seems so out of it Even almost starts to worry his drink had been spiked or something. Yet, his voice isn’t slurred, he just seems disconnected. Even wonders if Isak can feel the way his heart is beating too fast in his chest.

"Nevermind.” Isak mutters after awhile, voice rough and hasty. “You can go back to sleep."

Isak rolls off of him and turns over to his other side, clearly trying to leave the conversation behind them, and convince Even not to push it, but he should know better by now. Even never knows when to stop, and even when he does, he pretends not to notice. It has caused quite a lot of fights between them before, as Isak rarely opens himself up even now, and Even always has had a habit of trying to peer it out of him - if the situation calls for it.

This is one of those situations, and he thinks even Isak knows it this time.

"No Isak." He sits up in the bed, taking Isak by the shoulder, gently turning him back around. Isak follows without any protests, but when he is laid on his back again, there are tears in his beautiful blue eyes. Even's stomach drops. This is more serious than he first thought.

"Isak, please." He is practically begging now, one hand coming up to brush at Isak's cheek gently before resting it against his neck. "Please tell me what's wrong so I can help you."

Isak closes his eyes tightly, obviously trying to block Even out and not show him his tears, licking his lips as if they are dry, before he lifts his hand up to grip at Even's wrist. For one terrifying moment Even thinks that Isak might be pushing him away, building up his smothering to try and win Isak over again, but instead Isak just holds him there, and Even's heart clenches even harder. He can feel Isak's hand shaking. Tremors rocks through his own arm just by the force of them.

He lays down on his stomach, one arm used to prop himself up so he can still lean over and press a gentle kiss on Isak’s cheek, and the other resting on Isak's chest, hand still cupping the side of his face. He doesn't really know what to say, so he decides to try and wait it out. Through the thin t-shirt Isak is wearing Even can feel the rapid heartbeat; way too hard and panicky to be normal. Sweat is breaking out on his forehead and as Even looks very closely, he can see despite the darkness in the room that the bags underneath Isak's eyes stands out way darker than they usually do.

It terrifies Even how Isak cries so silently, it’s impossible to hear him. It makes him wonder how many times the younger boy has spent crying, closed off from the world as no one realized something was wrong. It makes him wonder exactly how many times he has missed it. Shame threatens to swallow him whole, but he needs to be strong for Isak, so he pushes it away. He can take some time to think about this later. Right now, his boyfriend obviously needs him.

It takes them some time, Isak working to calm himself, but slowly he can feel Isak's breathing calm down and his heart slows down to something a bit more normal. He is still shuddering slightly in silent tears, but Even is no longer fearing an anxiety attack anytime soon.

"Tell me what this is about Isak?" Even begs silently, leaning over to look him in the eye sadly, stroking the blonde curls out of Isak's eyes before Isak get the chance to do it himself.

"I'm just scared." He whispers again, and closes his eyes. Even wonders if it is so he won’t have to look at him, or because he wants to shut out the entire world. He waits patiently for Isak to continue, combing his fingers through the curls.

Even can see the muscles in Isak’s jaw working as he grits his teeth. His lips part, and Even’s heart leaps as he suspects Isak might say something, but the other boy simply closes his mouth again, bottom lip trembling. Then he clears his throat, and sniffles, before he pops his beautiful eyes open again, and through the dark he meets Even's own.

"I'm just scared of losing you."

 

To be continued...

 

Chapter 2

Summary:

Thank you so much for your support on the previous chapter! It makes me so happy to read all of the comments! <3

Sidenote: This chapter revolves around depression and feelings of worthlessness and sadness. If you are hurting, please do not hesitate to reach out for help!

"I'm just scared of losing you."

His voice is so small and soft that Even wouldn't have heard it, if not for the fact that he had been listening, and Isak’s eyes wells with tears once again. Even’s stomach drops into a gigantic pit and he feels sick, so incredulously sick. He feels sickened by himself. He is the reason Isak is crying. He bites the inside of his cheek and forces his voice to remain steady as he answers:

"You won't lose me."

"You know that no matter what, the biggest mistake you can ever do is leave me, right?" Isak continues as if he hasn't spoken at all, and he licks his lips, choking on his breath, and Even wonders if the air in the room has gotten a lot dryer. It sure feels like it. "I know that sometimes... things will get hard, and you are afraid of hurting me... but please don't leave me in fear… in fear of doing something wrong, or, or whatever, because that will only hurt me more."

He takes a long, shaky intake of breath.The tears glistens in his eyes, but he continues without another moment of hesitation.

"We will have our ups and downs, but all the bad stuff you fear that you will do someday to hurt me, will never measure up to all of the good things you do to me every day, you hear?"

Even nods shakily, feeling warm all the way too his bone, although he can feel himself choking up with his own tears. He remembers all the times, on the bad days, when he felt like giving up. When he felt like Isak deserved someone so much better than him, when he actually considered leaving him, no matter how much it would hurt them both, simply because he didn’t think he was good enough for him.

Minute by minute.

“I know what you’re thinking.” Isak whispers then, but as he opens his mouth to continue, no words can come out. Even looks over, observing with a painful lump in his throat as his boyfriend heaves for air like he can’t get enough of them. He begins to rub at his arms worriedly, but Isak scoots away from him, probably feeling cornered or claustrophobic. It hurts Even to witness, but he knows that if Isak needs space, he has to give it to him.

His boyfriend’s fingers taps nervously at his knees as he draws them up to his chest, and he begins to shake again, slowly rocking back and forth. He turns his head to the side, slowly shaking it. Even has no idea what is going on inside his head, but he can guess, and it’s nothing good. He struggles to keep his own breathing under control and he watches as Isak works his jaw desperately, teeth clenching, and tears prickles his eyes again.

“I’m sorry.” Isak cries suddenly, and the tears leaves his eyes to roll down his cheek. He looks almost bewildered when he looks back at Even, hair standing out in every direction. “I’m sorry, I-...”

Instead of saying whatever he wants to say, he chokes. Even has no idea what is happening as Isak tries to inhale, but instead of an exhale a hacking cough breaks out from his chest and he curls in on himself to decrease the blow to his lungs. His boyfriend struggles to get in air, but suddenly he is sobbing - wet, loud sobs that breaks Even’s heart. When he hears it, Even scrambles to gather him up in his arms.

“Issy, Issy babe.” He holds Isak to his chest tightly, cradling his hair and rubbing circles on his arm. They are sitting awkwardly on the bed, but Even don’t care in the slightest. All he cares about is Isak.

“Breathe Isak. It’s okay.” He has dealt with Isak’s panic attacks before, but not like this. He doesn’t want to be the reason for Isak’s pain. He can’t be. Isak simply sobs even harder, gasping for air but getting none. Even feels scared. “Please calm down Iss.”

Even is practically begging now, tears running down his own face.

“I don’t want to lose you.” Isak sobs, and his tears leaves wet spots on Even’s grey shirt. He is shaking his head desperately, hands twisting up in Even’s clothes.“I don’t... I don’t want to lose you Even.”

“You won’t Isak, I promise. Hey, I promise, alright?” He knows that it’s not a promise he can guarantee to keep, but he swears to god, he will do everything in his power to try.

“I’m sorry.” Isak says again, and Even shakes his head.

“No, no babe. Please don’t say you’re sorry.” He clears his throat and places a kiss on top of Isak’s mop of hair. His baby is trembling in his arms, and he don’t know how to stop it. “I’m glad you told me, okay? You did good Isak. You did good. You are so good to me.”

Isak lets out a breathless, humourless laugh, and Even can imagine Isak smiling wetly against his chest. Sarcasm has always been his best defense. “I’m good for you?”

Even snorts, and rolls his eyes at Isak’s stupidity, despite the heavy feeling of dread in his chest. “Of course. Of course you are, you idiot. I don’t know where I’d be without you Isak. You help me so much.”

Isak says nothing, but even though he doesn't shake his head or protest in any other way, Even can tell he’s not convinced yet. It breaks his heart into a thousand of pieces, how hard it seems to be for Isak to see how good he has been to him. Even swallows and continues, voice full of conviction: “You gave me freedom, Isak Valtersen. You are my happiness and my light in the darkness. What more can I possibly ask for?”

They fall into silence for some time, and the only reason Even stays quiet if because he can feel some of the tension bleed out of Isak’s body. He is still trembling slightly, but not in the same way as before. Even paitently waits for Isak to say something. It doesn’t take too long.

“It doesn’t feel like it sometimes.” He whispers quietly and Even shudders.

“I promise you Isak, I would tell you if something wasn’t right. I have done it before, haven’t I?’

Isak doesn’t appear to be completely convinced, but he doesn't continue on down the self loathing road verbally, and Even begs that he is not going there mentally. Instead he sits up straighter, so he can turn and look at Even. He looks raggered, tired as hell, but the smile he gives Even is slightly less forced and much more genuin. Even smiles back, and when Isak notices the tears on his cheeks, he laughs wetly.

“You crying?” He laughs, and Even just nods, smiling sheepishly. Isak lifts his hand up to wipe away the tears on Even’s cheeks, as he hadn’t been able to do it himself before, with his arms full of Isak. When he leans back he looks Even straight in the eye for a second, before leaning in again only to place a gentle, salty kiss on Even’s lips.

”You are so bad at this.” Isak says jokingly, and his chuckling laugh feels hot against Even’s skin. He smiles fondly at his boyfriend, but instantly grows serious again as Isak’s smile falls from his face. His chest still hurts.

They stay like that for awhile, noses almost touching, before Isak takes Even’s hands and starts to play with his fingers, avoiding his gaze from Even’s face. Even tips his head to the side as Isak sucks in a long, shaky breath, and watches as he then breaks out into a shameful smile. It’s full of irritation at himself, but Even chooses to ignore it for now, despite feeling like shit because of it. One battle at a time.

When Isak speaks he looks up again, eyes big and round even in the dark, and Even can feel his chest grow warmer as he hears the sweetness and honesty in his voice. It's still shaky, but a lot calmer than before. Isak whispers: “I love you Even.”

Even looks Isak dead in the eye and without missing a beat he says:

“I love you too Isak.”

 

Notes:

Please leave a comment to let me know what you think. It always means a lot to me, and it makes me very happy, especially on the bad days. <3

Also, please check out my other stories. There might be something else that you'll like!