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“Our anniversary is coming up.”
I look at Shizuo over the top of my phone. He doesn’t look up from the pint of ice cream in his hands. From appearances alone, it doesn’t look like he’s even said anything. But he shyly peeks at me from the corner of his eye, and I know he’s secretly invested in whatever this impending conversation is gonna be.
“For what?” I ask finally. Shizuo frowns every so slightly.
“Our fucking relationship.”
“Oh. Right.” He glances subtly at me again, and I push my lips into a snarky smirk. “Hard to believe it’s only been a year since I got drunk, broke into your apartment while you were asleep to suck you off, and then refused to stop cuddling you until I sobered up.”
A pleasant blush warms his cheeks and my smirk curls up even more.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He sighs with resignation heavy in his voice.
“You’re gonna have to be more specific.” I drawl. “Hard to believe you didn’t just kill me that night.”
“I thought about it.” He huffs. “Thought about it since then too.”
“Naturally.” I grin. He takes another bite of whatever sugary monstrosity he’s consuming and then he darts another look at me. He looks so nervous. Likely he’s remembering how fucking terrible at relationships we’ve both been. And anniversaries are a big step in relationships. Which means even more potential for fucking up.
That’s never stopped him from trying through. “We should do something.” He states.
“We do something every day. Sometimes twice a day.” I wink, shifting my feet that are in his lap so my heel brushes his dick. Shizuo’s hand snaps down to squeeze my ankle.
“Why are you like this?” He mutters, but rubs his thumb back and forth across the inside of my ankle. At the beginning of this little thing we have, I would have been worried about him breaking my bones. Now I purr ever so softly.
“Ne, Shizu-chan, do you mind if I ask you something?” I ask, putting my phone down finally. It seems to surprise him. Enough that he puts his ice cream to the side as well.
“Okay?”
“Why didn’t you kill me that night? I know it wasn’t the blow job, cuz you didn’t stop bitching about it for like a month.” He blushes again, rubbing the back of his neck. “Did you always secretly like me, or was it my lovable drunk qualities that made you think I was boyfriend material?”
“Shut up.” He grunts. “Neither. I mean, I never hated you as much as I said I did I just…that night I got to see past your shitty mask for the first time. And I dunno…you’re somewhat cute when you’re not running your mouth.”
“How romantic.” I breathe dramatically, clapping my hands together under my cheek and batting my eye lashes.
“Shut the fuck up.” He rolls his eyes. There is the slightest smile hiding at the corner of his mouth though. He can pretend all he wants, but I know he really does find these sides of me cute. “Do you wanna do something or not?”
I lean my cheek against my fist, which rests on the back of his couch. “Sure.” It leaves my mouth before I can fully think it through. He just looks so endearing when he’s being all tsundere. Sure enough, he flushes but keeps his face relatively neutral.
“Good.” he grunts, reaching for his ice cream again. “It’s not for like three weeks so…we’ll think of something.” He decides. Evidently getting me to agree was his only goal tonight. I’m not surprised. Getting me to agree to anything even verging on romantic or affectionate is a mighty accomplishment.
I hate that I’m already regretting it.
But he doesn’t need to the know that. I go back to browsing on my phone, pretending my stomach isn’t roiling with the thought of this upcoming nightmare.
I may need to seek professional help for this.
~~~
“Izaya, for the love of god, please stop breaking into my apartment.” Kadota grimaces when he spots me sprawled out over his couch, but he doesn’t fly into the rage that most people in his position would.
I can’t even bring myself to be disappointed by his lack of a reaction. Instead I sit up quickly, almost bouncing in my seat. I’ve been waiting for him to come home for over an hour, but I don’t think he’d appreciate me saying that.
“If you help me out, I’ll think about not breaking in.” I propose. He sighs heavily, dumping his bag on his kitchen table. He wanders to his fridge, pulls out two beers, and then collapses beside me on his couch.
“What is it?” He asks at last, cracking open one of the beers and putting the other aside. The fact that he anticipated it would be a two beer problem doesn’t say much about his willingness to help me. But at least he isn’t shooing me out.
“It’s about Shizu-chan.”
“I figured.” He acknowledges.
“I guess our anniversary is coming up- at least he said it is.” I did not keep track, so I just have to trust him. Mostly because I wasn’t under the impression that our…thing that we do was considered an actual relationship with an actual, definitive start date. Evidently I was mistaken.
“Congrats.” Kadota grins easily now, reaching out to pat me on the back. I cringe. “I think?” He amends, his forehead crinkling in confusion.
“I don’t…know how I feel about it. I guess I’m happy, but also…I think I’m dreading it.” I peek at Kadota out of the corner of my eye. His confusion has turned into worry. Isn’t that just like him?
“Why?” He seems to realize how blunt he sounds a second later, shooting me a placating smile. “I mean, it’s good that you’re happy, but the dreading part doesn’t sound so good.”
“It doesn’t feel so good.” I agree. “It’s all a mess in my head. I don’t know what’s important and what’s not. It makes it difficult to talk about.”
A little sympathy finds its way onto his face. “Well, start with something that doesn’t seem important and maybe the important stuff will come out naturally.” He suggests.
I nod, taking a second to think about what’s best to begin with. “Okay, so I know he’s going to want to have sex that day.” Kadota blink, takes a long drink of his beer, inhales for a long moment, and then nods.
“Right, most people do on their anniversary.” He sighs out.
“But we have sex every day! Every other day, at the least! But a lot!” His eyes dull a little, though his face remains unchanging. “So I mean, should this day be different at all? Special? Do I have to pretend it’s special when we have sex every day?”
“You seem pretty hung up on your sex life, Izaya.” He tells me. I toss my head back with a frown.
“I know.” I mumble. “It’s just…I guess I thought Shizu-chan would get bored, or annoyed. With the sex, and with me, given enough time. But I didn’t want to ask him to slow down and savor the moment because I didn’t…”
“You didn’t want to give him a reason to end the relationship when it was hanging by a thread at the beginning.” He fills in. I cringe but nod. “You really think Shizuo is that kind of guy?”
I hesitate, then shake my head no. “He’s too disgustingly good to be like that. But by the time I admitted that to myself and accepted it, it was like we had a routine going. And I didn’t want to break it.”
He thinks for a long moment, taking another few sips of his beer in the quiet downtime. Then he shrugs. “Tell him you don’t want to have sex every day.”
“But I do! He’s really, really good at it!” Again I watch as the light leaves Kadota’s eyes. I smirk. “It’s not the fucking that gets to me. It’s like…every time we do it, he wants more. Like he’s never going to get tired of it.”
“And that’s the part that bothers you?” He repeats, obviously back to being confused. “Why, because it means he’s into you? You’re still having these kinds of thoughts after a whole year? I mean, I know when you guys started…doing your thing you were iffy, but I thought you worked that out.”
I shuffle a little in my seat, not looking at him. “Old habits die hard?” I offer feebly. Kadota sighs, reaching out to plant a hand on my shoulder.
“Dude. Your one year anniversary is coming up. You gotta freaking accept the fact that Shizuo is as into you as you are to him. And that’s a good thing! He’s a great guy.”
“He’s too great. Everything he does, he’s fucking perfect. How does that end up liking this.” I gesture towards myself and he rolls his eyes.
“You used to have a ton of self confidence in high school.” He reminds me, leaning back again, like he can tell there’s still a long way to go.
“Most of that was for appearances.” I assure him, then crumple a little into the back of the couch. “Pretty pathetic, right?” I mutter. He hums thoughtfully, sounding a little too much like Shizuo when he does it.
“Getting back on track- since you have sex every day, you’re freaking out. Because it somehow translates to physical proof of him wanting a long term relationship with you, and you’re a little bitch about commitment.” He sums up. I tap my fingers restlessly on my leg, nodding when I can’t think of an argument in my own defense. “Dude they have counselors for this kind of thing.”
“Dotachin is my counselor.” I grin ruefully. He sighs, glancing off into the distance for a minute before refocusing in on me.
“If you’re so terrified of commitment, which I’m guessing is what’s really eating you about this anniversary thing, maybe ask him not to make a big deal of it.” He suggests.
“But it makes him happy. And he’s actually done a lot to make me happy in the last year, so it’s only fair.” Kadota’s face changes all at once. His resignation to suffering with me switches immediately to surprised attention, his dull gaze sharpening as it sizes me up.
“Wow, that’s…surprisingly thoughtful of you Izaya.” I feel my cheeks getting hot as I scowl at my lap. Kadota clears his throat. “So we have a standoff. He wants to make a big deal about it, and you don’t.”
“And the reason I don’t is because it’s something special but I don’t want to admit it’s special. Because then I’d have to admit that what we’re doing is more meaningful than what I’ve been comfortably imagining it is.”
“Give the guy a medal.” He drawls with a level of sarcasm I honestly didn’t know he had. I glare at him. “See, important stuff came through.”
“So when do I start feeling better?” I huff.
“Hell if I know man.” He shrugs. I groan, sinking down into the crease of his couch. Kadota watches me, a small indulgent smile on his face, until I’m practically sliding off the cushion onto his floor. Then he chuckles. “Alright, alright. Let’s talk about your options. Maybe that’ll help.”
I perk back up slowly, sitting at attention. “Go on.”
“Look you’re a pretty selfish guy. Which means you could always tell him not to make a big deal of this anniversary. Maybe by next year you’ll have your shit figured out to repay him somehow.” There’s an unspoken caveat that this option would definitely make Shizuo unhappy. I grimace.
“Okay.” I murmur.
“You can also suck it up and ride it out to be a good sport and give Shizuo the anniversary he wants.” Which would be nice, but I’m actually not very good at pretending I’m happy about something that’s actually making me feel pretty miserable. He’d see right through my attempts and then be miserable as well. Which is what I’m trying to avoid.
“Right.” I sigh.
“Or, you can actually talk about this with him to see if you can find some middle ground. Hell, you might even be able to talk out that fear of commitment thing and get it to go away.” How can he sound so hopeful? I certainly don’t feel hopeful.
“Yeah, that seems likely.” I mutter. He gives me an entirely too patronizing look.
“Dude, you love him, right?” I cringe again. We’ve never said those words specifically, even though I know and refuse to admit that’s what I feel for him. In this case, I have to admit it- with a very sullen nod. “You want to keep seeing him, right?” Another hesitant nod. “So you need to try to work this out. You don’t want to start resenting him because of some stupid mental perception, do you?”
“No, god no.” It was a bumpy ride getting to this pretty good place we’re at. I really don’t want to be the one to fuck it up.
But I know Kadota is right. I would definitely be the one to let my resentment get to me when Shizuo’s done nothing to deserve it. I hang my head in defeat. “It’s just…what if this is the straw that breaks the camels back? We’ve already had so many rough patches in the last year alone. And we still fight all the time still. What if he thinks I’m just making excuses?”
“Hey man. Shizuo’s not like that. And you know that. He’s not gonna just walk away without you giving him a damn good reason to. He’s into this relationship, you gotta give him the credit he deserves.”
He’s right. Because of course he is. It’s Kadota, he’s always right. “I hate putting him through my bouts of craziness. When I get too messed up in the head and don’t know how to talk to him about it.” I admit softly.
“That’s fair. But he signed on for that craziness, pretty eagerly if I remember. And that’s what people in relationships do, they help each other with their craziness.” I cackle wildly, making his face twist in surprise again.
“Shizu-chan doesn’t have any craziness. It’s just me.”
Now he looks doubtful, and maybe a little amused. He knocks back the rest of his beer and reaches for the next, opening it with a click and a smirk. “Dude, he has more crazy than you think.”
I open my mouth to argue, but he presses the rim of his beer can into my lips and liquid fills my mouth. It’s all I can do to swallow it down without ending up coughing or getting covered in the stuff. Still, some dribbles down and wets the collar of my shirt. He pulls the can away with that smirk still in place.
“You’ll see. Shizuo’s twacked, it’s just hard to notice when you’re as self centered as you are.” He looks pretty satisfied with himself. I frown, wiping the lingering moisture from my lips.
“Thanks for that Dotachin.” I bite, standing to wash the sticky feeling off my hands and face. Kadota hums behind me.
“But hey, maybe that’s why you’re so perfect for each other.” He suggests. I don’t acknowledge him. But it turns over and over in my head the whole time I wash up at his kitchen sink.
Perfect for each other. Equal to each other, in a way. Wouldn’t that be something. Like Shizuo doesn’t deserve a hundred times better than me.
~~~
“Hey.” Shizuo glances up from the book he’s reading when I open the door to his apartment. He immediately puts it to the side to give me his full attention- something that normally leaves my stomach warm and satisfied. But with my therapy session with Kadota still fresh in my head, it feels more suffocating. Like he’ll find out all my dark thoughts if he looks at me too long.
“Hi.” I throw back, leaving my jacket and shoes near his own. “Sorry it’s late.”
“Where were you?” He questions- not accusing, just curious. I settle in beside him on the couch. He’s instantly moving to sit closer to me. I try not to tense up.
“Hmm? Oh, just chatting with Dotachin.” I give him a wide smile that only feels a little strained on my lips. Shizuo smiles back, more genuine than my face could ever be. He leans in to kiss my cheek, lingering for a moment before pulling back.
“Did you guys have a good visit?” He asks, fingers coming up to run over the same spot he kissed. He likes to just touch me like this I’ve noticed- especially when we haven’t seen each other all day. Sometimes I think he likes these small, innocent little touches more than he likes the heated, possessive touches while we fuck. Either way, it seems like he’s always touching me somehow.
“Yeah.” I lie. “Though the fucker shoved me off his couch at one point. Look at this bruise!” I whine, pulling down the collar of my shirt to point out where his coffee table almost actually beheaded me.
Shizuo runs his thumb gently over the beginnings of discoloration that will definitely bloom into something darker. I bruise like a peach, after all. He frowns, pressing into it a little harder before I flinch back. His face changes like a switch is flicked, into concern.
“Sorry, don’t know what I was thinking.” He grunts, leaning down to kiss the mark apologetically. “I think we still have some of that menthol rub Shinra gave me a while back. Do you want some?”
“No, it’ll be fine. I don’t really notice it that much. I’m just bitching.” I promise. He doesn’t seem surprised, but kisses the sensitive spot again anyway.
I notice that he’s lingering for only a second before he pulls back to be face to face with me again.
“Did you guys drink?” I glance down at the collar of my shirt, which probably still smells like beer from Kadota’s awesome adventure in shoving alcohol down my throat. I roll my eyes.
“He did. Spilled on me, like the slob he is.” I sigh dramatically. Shizuo nods without a word, his face falling decidedly neutral. “Hard to believe he’s the same guy as he was in high school. Back then he was such a goody-two-shoes. Wouldn’t let us get away with anything fun. Now he casually throws people off couches and spills beer on them.”
“Yeah.” Shizuo mumbles, making me wonder if he’s really listening to me. I tilt my head to the side.
“You okay, Shizu-chan? I’m sorry it took me so long to get over here, I know I promised I’d be here sooner.” I apologize nervously, and his eyes flick to mine immediately.
“Everything’s fine, don’t worry about it.” He assures me, ruffling my hair a little rougher than is strictly necessary. “Just had a long day. I’m glad you’re here now.” He promises, pulling me in so I’m practically sitting on his lap.
Shizuo curls his thumb and finger around my chin to point my face towards his, hungrily kissing me while his hands begin to wander. When one starts groping my ass I pull away from the kiss, feeling awkward.
“What’s wrong?” He purrs into my skin, kissing and nipping at my jaw.
How can I tell him that I want to take a break from sex tonight? It would lead to more questions, and inevitably the whole dreading-the-anniversary thing would come up. I don’t exactly want to talk about that right this second. Not while my own thoughts on it are still so jumbled.
I paint a sultry smile on my face instead. “How about I suck you off tonight.” I suggest. His eyebrows raise in surprise, but there’s also wariness in his gaze.
“You’re terrible at blow jobs.” He informs me bluntly. I put a hand to my chest in exaggerated offense. “I thought you hated doing that, anyway.”
“Only because Shizu-chan so meanly criticizes me.” I huff, crossing my arms over my chest petulantly. He chuckles fondly, pressing a placating kiss to my cheek. And then another when I keep clinging to my dramatic indignation.
“So why the offer? Don’t tell me you’re not in the mood for sex tonight.” He prods, sounding honestly shocked by the idea. Too shocked. I purse my lips, the awkward feeling in my stomach only growing. “What, seriously?” I squirm a little under his attention, but nod. “You shoulda just said that.”
He pulls away from me immediately, my stomach dropping as he puts space between us. Even though it’s what I want, it feels like I’m losing something as he slips away from me. I want to reach out to him, but I don’t want him to get it in his head that I’m just doing it to appease him. That wouldn’t help anything.
“Sorry.” I whisper, looking down at my clenched palms instead of at him.
“Why’re you apologizing? You’re allowed to not want sex.” I feel a flush working up in my cheeks. I just feel so goddamn stupid all of the sudden. Stupid, and something else too. Something I can’t quite put my finger on.
“Yeah.”
Shizuo picks up his book again, and I pull out my phone just to have something to do. It feels weird now. Too quiet. Not the comfortable quiet we share sometimes, this is some tense quiet that makes me feel itchy. Or, at least, that’s how it feels to me. I can’t tell how Shizuo’s feeling. I can’t read anything on his face.
I can only last about twenty minutes before I sigh and shut off my phone. “I’m gonna go. Seeing a big client tomorrow and I wanna get in the head space.”
Shizuo looks up from his book and gives me a smile that seems a little lesser than normal. “Sure. See you tomorrow?”
“Yeah. Text me?”
“Yeah.” He agrees, and goes back to reading. He doesn’t lean forward to kiss me. He doesn’t even look up as I awkwardly pull my shoes and jacket back on. When he hears his door open, Shizuo glances up, but it’s just to smile fleetingly at me and then he’s sucked back into the pages in his hand.
It’s odd. It’s not that Shizuo necessarily seems upset. If anything, he seems completely complacent. And a little distant. But that’s nothing I don’t deserve for snubbing him. So why do I feel so panicked?
Maybe it’s just because it’s been a long time since I left Shizuo’s home feeling so empty inside. Yeah. I’m sure that’s it.
~~~
Kadota is hard at work when I find him. He’s too focused, and wielding a far too large hammer and chisel, for me to try to interrupt him. Instead I push myself up onto the counter of the under renovations bathroom and wait for him to notice me.
It doesn’t take long anyway. He finishes prying off another square of old, grimy tile and turns to throw it over his shoulder casually. His aim misses by a mile, but I blame that on the way he jumps when he sees me- and almost falls off his ladder for it.
“Izaya! Don’t freaking do that!” He pants harshly, clearly startled.
“Sorry. I didn’t want to disturb you.” My grin is too wide for him to believe my apology. But he doesn’t say that.
“You’ve disturbed me since high school dude.” He mutters, putting his tools in his lap so he can readjust himself on the ladder. “I’m at work. Can’t whatever this is wait?”
I keep my face as level as possible, but I think the way my hands keep fidgeting kind of tips him off to the unrest beneath my mask. Maybe that’s why his face softens before I even open my mouth.
“I think Shizu-chan is angry.” He pauses in the middle of picking his things up to look back at me. My lips are pressed together just a little too hard, and my hands are just a little too jittery. But I can’t make them stop.
“Why do you think that?” Kadota asks, gently. More gently than anyone else talks to me. But maybe that’s why I’m here talking to him about it.
“He won’t touch me anymore.” I state simply, and he looks confused. “After I talked to you last time, I went to his place and I actually opted out of sex. I dunno, I guess I felt inspired to or something. And since then, I don’t think he’s been within a foot of me.”
“I thought that’s what you wanted. A little break from sex to make it more of a special thing.” Kadota points out, gesturing with the chisel like it’s an extension of his arm.
“But it’s not just sex! He won’t touch me at all! He doesn’t play with my hair or kiss me or any of that disgustingly domestic Shizu-chan bullshit I’ve really come to enjoy!” I dig my nails into my palm to try to calm down, feeling the moment they break skin and not even caring. Kadota sees it though, and he does care. Why he cares is beyond me, but he cares.
“Hey, it’s okay.” He murmurs, jumping down from the ladder and dropping his tools next to me on the sink. He coaxes me to open up my hands, sighing when he sees the blood coating the insides. “You really think he’s angry, huh?”
“Yeah.” I murmur. “And I don’t know how to fix it. He’s never…avoided me like this. If he’s angry, he just tells me. But this time he’s…he’s acting like me. Fuck, it sucks.” I throw my head back against the mirror behind me. I’m surprised it doesn’t break.
I’m not the only one. “Come on dude, stop it. You don’t have to throw a tantrum over this.” Kadota chides me, which only makes me feel worse honestly. Now I feel like a fuck up and a child.
“I always knew Shizuo would get tired of this thing we’ve been doing. Maybe this is how it starts.” It comes out dull, despite how much honest anxiety there is behind the words.
“You know that’s not true. He’s probably trying to respect your wishes. You should talk to him about it.” Of course it would be that simple to Kadota. I’m sure in his life, things are simple enough to be what they seem.
Like he can hear me, he sighs, tugging on my arm to pull me off the sink. “Come outside with me. I need to grab some things from the van anyway.”
“Dotachin just doesn’t want me to break his bathroom.”I pout, but let him lead me. He opens the back door to his van and has me sit while he digs through his things.
“Izaya, you and Shizuo have been through a lot. You’ve told me about a lot of it- sometimes too much of it.” He shudders here, probably remembering some of the less than stellar moment I’ve recounted of my rocky relationship. I can’t help but smirk at his discomfort. “My point is, do you really think after all of the things you guys have been through, he would get bored of you just because you asked not to have sex one night?”
“Then why is he avoiding me?” I challenge.
“Maybe he feels bad. Maybe he thinks that you’ve been hiding your feelings about it for a while. You have a tendency to do that, you know.”
“I’m aware.” It’s my turn to sigh. I flop back, landing on one of his tool bags just before he was about to reach for it. He makes a face, but I don’t budge. “What if you’re wrong? What if Shizu-chan doesn’t want to be with me anymore?”
Kadota leans over me, reaching above my head to unzip the bag I refuse to sit up from to dig through it anyway. “Well, that’s what communication is for. You should try it sometime.”
“Sounds dull.” I huff. He finds what he was looking for, putting it aside with the other miscellaneous things he’s collected. When he straightens up he looks around and jumps.
“Shit, you’ve picked up way too many bad habits from him.” He groans, putting a hand to his chest. I crinkle my brow in confusion, but it fades when Kadota moves to the side and Shizuo steps off the curb to where he was standing. I sit up abruptly, feeling my cheeks flush. How much did he hear?
“Shizu-chan!” He frowns, and my chest tightens. How long has it been since Shizuo honestly frowned at me? With actual negative emotion?
“Am I interrupting something?” He rumbles.
“Yeah, something I should be getting paid for. I’m not licensed to listen to your issues you know, you should find a shrink.” Kadota bitches, grabbing all his things and shutting the door on that side. I don’t stand up yet though.
“Dotachin is my shrink.” I repeat, though somewhat more awkwardly than the last time I said it.
“Whatever, freeloader. Get up.” he urges, offering a hand. I glance at Shizuo to see if he’ll do the same, but he looks pensive as ever. I stand without either of their help. “Anyway, I gotta get back to the grind. Think about what I said though, Izaya.” Kadota slams the van door shut, locks it, and shuffles off before he can get wrapped up in anymore drama.
“He suffers.” I sigh, throwing a casual smile at Shizuo. It fades when he doesn’t so much as blink. “You okay?”
“M’fine.” He mumbles, pulling out a cigarette. “What was that about? Your therapy session.” He jerks his head towards Kadota’s retreating figure. Again I wonder how much he’s heard, and if this is a test of some kind.
“Same things we always talk about really. Work. The goings on of the city. You.” The last one comes out softer, but it’s the one that gets his eyebrow to raise skeptically. “Do you want to get lunch?”
“I just had lunch with Celty.” He tells me bluntly. “I’m on my way to meet Tom for the next douche bag.”
“Oh.” I nod slowly, my smile getting a little strained, but not too much. “Well, what about later? I could bring something over. You know we always get hungry after-”
“Kasuka wants to meet up while he’s in town.” Now he’s rubbing the back of his head, looking a little uncomfortable. Which I take it means I did not get an invitation as well. I scramble to assure him that this is fine. Even if it doesn’t feel so fine.
“Sounds fun! I’m sure you guys will have a great time. I know he really loves seeing you.” Shizuo glances up at me with a little bit more life in his eyes, and the softest smile on his lips. Maybe that’s what he was being so standoffish about. He just didn’t want to tell me we couldn’t see each other today. Yeah.
“I’ll see you soon.” He promises, but I don’t know how much I believe him.
“Yeah.” I murmur, watching him turn and walk away without ever looking back at me.
Fuck. What did I do to make him angry? More importantly, how do I fix it?
~~~
The next time I casually bump into Shizuo in Ikebukuro, it’s not an accident. There’s nothing casual about it really, I just want him to think that. The look he gives me when I appear next to him is anything but convinced. It almost reminds me of old times. When every run in was cause for suspicion for Shizuo.
“Heya. I’m glad I caught up to you.” I tell him, oozing a carefree confidence that no part of me actually feels. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you, but we haven’t really had a chance recently. You’ve been really busy.”
“Yeah, things really pick up in the spring for Tom-san and me.” Shizuo tosses me the excuse without really trying to put any believability into it. “Can we make this quick? I have things I have to get to.”
I swallow the sudden knot in my throat. “Yeah, of course. I just wanted to talk about our anniversary thing.”
After a good long week of reflection, I decided that if anything could maybe bridge this sudden gap between us, it was the possibility of gooey, disgusting domesticity. I don’t care how uncomfortable it makes me, I’m going to make this the most disturbingly perfect and loving anniversary ever for Shizuo.
“Oh yeah, I’m glad you brought it up.” Shizuo rumbles, and I beam.
“You thought I would forget, didn’t you? Well I didn’t! I want to go to the beach again! You know, the one we went to after we started seeing each other. I thought it would be nice to get out of the city, and-”
“I can’t.” Shizuo cuts me off. It feels more like he’s cut me across the chest. Suddenly I feel bad for doing that to him all those years ago. It fucking sucks.
“Oh.”
“Tom-san asked me to take a shift that night. I figured you didn’t really seem too interested when I brought it up a couple weeks ago, so why not.” He rubs the back of his neck, avoiding looking at me. I stuff my hands into the pockets of my jacket. They’re shaking a little. That’s weird.
“Of course. I get it.”
“We’ll do something later. Not like it has to be specifically that day, right?”
“Right! No, that’s…right.” I force my lips into a wide smile, even though all they want to do is curve down. I’m sure it looks pretty pitiful. Or maybe not pitiful enough. Because Shizuo only nods when he glances up at me.
“Thanks for understanding.” He reaches out towards my face; maybe to cup my cheek, maybe to twine his fingers into the hair at the side of my head. Either way, I close my eyes and tilt myself in expectantly. But the touch never comes. I peek my eyes open, but his hand has dropped back to his side. “I’ll text you, about your beach idea. We’ll go sometime, I promise.” He rumbles before turning to walk away.
“Yeah.” I’m not sure if he even hears my reply. Or if he even cares. It’s a pretty weak reply anyway.
Because all I can think about is how he hasn’t texted me in a week.
~~~
Weekends are boring without Shizuo around. Namie is off somewhere with her brother, and I don’t see clients on the weekends. So my apartment is unnaturally quiet.
Normally I have an annoyingly endearing blond making noise in my kitchen, or snoring too loudly on my couch. But it’s a quiet Saturday night right now, and there’s nothing to disrupt it.
It makes me ache somewhere deep inside as I toss fitfully on the floor. Not even staring into the vacant depths of my ceiling is helping me zone out right now. I’m acutely aware of how alone I am.
I pull out my phone to stare at the text I received a few hours ago after I tried to call Shizuo and invite him over. It’s not long. The bare minimum, really. Just enough words to tell me that he won’t be over at all this weekend.
Tom-san apparently needs him in the office to rearrange a file cabinet he knocked over when he got angry. Which admittedly does sound like something he would do. But that doesn’t make me feel any better about his absence here.
I watch a few videos online, but nothing grabs my interest. Nothing feels satisfying, even trolling the Dollars boards. I hate this. I hate feeling so dependent on another person for my own happiness. It makes me want to return to the days before I even knew what being happy really meant.
You can’t miss something you never had, after all. But once you’ve had it, it’s impossible not to miss it.
Why the fuck does it have to be Shizuo who makes me happy? Or maybe it would be more appropriate to say ‘made me happy’.
Finally I sit up from where I’m sprawled between the kitchen and my desk. There’s no point laying around here. No point in pretending I’m not upset that Shizuo’s not going to show up. I should be doing something. I should be trying to be like I was before him. At least I can be self sufficient enough for that.
I pull on my shoes and jacket and I’m out the door.
Ikebukuro is big. Really big. Very distracting. Especially on the weekends. There’s so much I could do, and I run through the options the entire train ride into the city. But by the time I leave the station and start wandering idly, I still haven’t figured anything out. Which means more idle wandering.
A few things pop out at me as I go. Bars and karaoke places I’ve haunted before. Parks usually frequented by certain relevant people. But nothing seems interesting enough for me to change course.
Eventually I stop to sit on a high wall and people watch for a while. There are a lot of humans in the heart of the city. Loads of lovely little couples and groups of giggling friends.
I even get to see Mikado and Masaomi pass by, though they’re too wrapped up in each other to so much as notice me. I wonder if they’ll ever admit their feelings for each other. Or maybe their feelings for Anri Sonohara will keep stopping them. It’s an intriguing notion. I watch them pass by and keep it to myself.
At some point I glance in the direction of Shizuo and Tom-san’s office. I could bring them food. It would be a good pretense, a nice excuse to see him. But would he see it for what it is? Would he be angry, or annoyed?
With a sigh I jump down from the wall- startling a passing gaggle of girls as I do. I ignore them and start towards Russia Sushi. At the very least, I’ll get food for myself. Maybe something for Shizuo. Probably something for Shizuo.
It hurts how pitiful I am, sometimes.
There are a bunch of restaurants on the same street as Simon and Denis’ shop. Diners and ramen shops and fast food. I look from face to face through the glass fronts as I walk, watching people talk and stuff their faces.
One face in particular stops me in my steps. I can’t remember the last time I saw Shinra actually out in the city. And it’s odd to see Celty in such a casual situation, lounging on the same booth as her boyfriend with a giant, empty beer stein on the table before them.
What’s more odd is the unmistakable head of blond hair sitting across from them, with two empty sake bottles before him. Even facing away from me, I know. There’s no one else it could be.
Shinra’s eyes flick out the window, catching on mine immediately like he could sense I was there. He grins, waving and drawing Celty’s attention. And, a moment later, Shizuo’s.
Shizuo, who twists around in the booth and looks for whoever is drawing his friends’ attention. Shizuo, who catches sight of me standing on the other side of the street, completely blank and stock still. Shizuo, who grimaces the second he sees me. Grimaces, like I’m just the disgusting flea he used to chase around. Who knows, maybe that’s still all I am to him.
My chest aches. My pulse is loud in my ears. Time doesn’t feel real as I watch him stand and pace towards the exit. It doesn’t seem like a single second passes as I turn and start to pace in the opposite direction. I hear him calling me, but it’s distorted. Like I’m underwater.
I start to run. I’m not sure where to. When I blink I’m blocks away from Russia Sushi. And I still hear him yelling, though when I look back he isn’t there. I shudder and step into the lobby of a hotel I’m passing. It’s busy, all the clerks are distracted as I walk up to the elevator and hit the wait button.
For how packed the lobby is, I don’t encounter anyone as I take the elevator as high as it will go. And I still don’t stumble upon a single person as I numbly float through the hall to the stairs leading even further up. It’s odd. So odd that I’m almost expecting to open the door to the roof and find a bunch of people, just to even out how empty it was downstairs. But I’m still alone when I step out into the cold night air.
Alone. What was I thinking? Of course I would end up alone again eventually! I had to have known that! It’s not like I went into this thinking we’d have some happily ever after someday. So why does it hurt so fucking bad?
I walk to the very edge of the building, hovering on the old bricks and looking down the back side of the hotel. There’s no foot traffic in the alley I’m looking down on. It’s dark, and empty, and completely opposite the brightly lit and busy street that the hotel faces out on. Funny. I can relate to fucking building. A smirk curls up on my face, feeling as cold and sharp as the wind battering against me.
Shizuo’s voice is still echoing in my ears. I think it’s echoing around the city too. I know how loud he can shout, after all. And with all the high rise buildings and deep alleyways in this part of town, it’s the perfect recipe for good echoes. I cover my ears to block out the sound.
It’s so angry. Just like his face was when he saw me. I don’t understand. What did I do? Why is he avoiding me? Why lie to me? Why grimace at the sight of me? What did I do?!
I want to shout it. Maybe if I can hear Shizuo from here, he would be able to hear me too. But I’m afraid if I opened my mouth the only thing to come out would be a sob. Disgusting. I’m pitiful. A parasite, feeding on whatever shred of happiness I could find. Maybe Shizuo got tired of being my host.
I drop into a crouch, my toes hanging over the side of the building, and my head still clutched between my hands. I can hear him- louder than ever. Loud and angry and just like he was before. What did I do?
“Izaya?” A hand lands on my shoulder. I jerk forward, and for half a second I feel the weightlessness of an impending fall down what has to be at least twelve stories. My feet kick at nothing but air. My hands reach and miss the edge of the building. I’m going to fall-
A hand shoots out to grab my reaching arm, wrapping around my wrist and bringing me swinging hard into the side of the hotel. It pulls something in my shoulders, a grunt of pain bursting from my chest. But at least I’m not falling. Another hand darts down and secures around my free, scrambling hand. And that’s when I finally look up.
“Dotachin?” I gasp, barely hearing myself over the wind and my heart racing. He grunts under the effort of holding my weight, his beanie almost slipping off his head. I hope it doesn’t fall.
“Didn’t mean to startle you.” He huffs, trying to pull me back over the edge. But I’m a dead weight right now, and I don’t know how to settle myself enough to be any help to him.
“What are you-”
“No offense, can we talk about this later?” He groans, pulling a little harder. I finally snap out of it enough to dig my feet into the wall and attempt to push myself up. It’s not a lot, but it’s enough for him to be able to pull my hands up to the edge. Once I’ve grabbed it, he moves his grip down to my shoulders, getting a good handful of my jacket and shirt to slowly leverage me up.
Slowly Kadota gets me back onto the roof. But I still feel like I’m suspended over nothing. I stare at the solid ground beneath me, feeling like I don’t even see it. When Kadota puts his hand on my shoulder again, he holds tight even when I jerk away from him.
“What the hell are you doing up here?” He demands, sounding as exhausted as he looks. But his grip is still fierce, and I’m grateful for it. It’s keeping me more grounded than the concrete digging into my hands and knees is.
“I…needed to think.” I tell him weakly.
“On the edge of a damn building?” Kadota snaps, gripping me a little tighter like he’s scared I’ll go right back to that edge.
“It’s something I do. Something I’ve always done.” He stares at me like I’m not even real. Like I’m a frightful figment of his imagination.
“You’re fucking psychotic.” He kind of laughs, and despite the situation and everything that’s happened, I laugh too. Because well, he’s not wrong. “Christ Izaya…you could’ve died.”
“I know.” I whisper. “Thanks for catching me.” He nods, rubbing at his forehead and rearranging his beanie so it sits properly. “What are you doing here anyway?” I turn the question back on him and he looks up at me.
“I was walking in the street when you went running past me. I heard Shizuo calling at you, figured something happened. So I followed you up. Wasn’t quick enough to make the elevator, so it took me a minute to figure out where exactly you went.”
The idea of him searching every floor for me makes something cold and guilty crawl into my stomach. It makes itself right at home with the agony, confusion, and self hatred already lounging there.
“Sorry.” I mumble. He squeezes my shoulder again, then turns and leans back against the ledge I was just dangling from. I copy him, pressing my shoulders into the sharp brick and telling myself over and over that this is the better side to be on. I have to keep telling myself that. I have to.
“Do you wanna tell me what happened?” He proposes. I stare blankly at the smoggy, light polluted sky of Ikebukuro and think about it. Kadota is a good guy. Maybe the best guy in this whole damn city. But do I want to talk to him? No. Not really. Should I? Probably. In fact, I’m just gonna make that a definite yeah, I should.
I sigh, tipping my head back even further. “Where to start? Well, Shizuo’s definitely been avoiding me. For like two weeks now, so there’s that. And tonight he blew me off, telling me Tom-san needed him at work all weekend. Turns out, what he really meant was that he was having dinner with Celty and Shinra and probably would have rather been punched in the face than have me there with him. At least that’s the impression I got when he grimaced at the sight of me.”
“You saw them?” He cringes at the thought.
“And he saw me. And he looked like fucking needles were being driven into every inch of his body when he did.” I press my eyes closed as the memory of it flashes in my mind. “Fuck. He hasn’t looked at me like that in so long. Not since before, when we were just a monster and a blood sucking flea.”
“Shit.” Kadota sighs, sweeping his beanie off to scratch at his scalp. “And you just ran off?”
“Yeah.” I admit easily. “I couldn’t talk to him. I literally wouldn’t have been able to say a thing. It would’ve been embarrassing.”
He rumbles a thoughtful noise, scratching at his scalp some more before fixing his beanie. “I never thought Shizuo would be one to do shit like that.” That makes two of us.
I kind of sniffle, and he unexpectedly wraps an arm around my shoulder to pull me into his side. It’s much easier than I ever thought it would be to curl into the welcoming embrace. I haven’t really had anything like this in a while. And after almost a year of forcing myself to get used to it with Shizuo, being without it is hard.
Fuck, what if I never have it again? I didn’t realize until this moment how terrifying of a prospect that is.
“Kadota, what did I do? Why is he acting like this? Why now, when we were actually at a pretty good place.” I kind of whimper it against his shoulder. His hand rubs slowly up and down my back.
“I don’t know dude. There’s always two sides to a story, but from my vantage point, I’m not sure what it is.” I nod into his jacket, clutching to him like a fucking kid. It’s nice of him to be here like this for me. But it doesn’t feel right. Sadly, the only person who it does feel right with is the reason I’m having to depend on Kadota.
“I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to face him. I’m so fucking weak compared to what I used to be. I used to be able to stand up in front of him no matter what. Now he scowls at me and I’m a fucking wreck. It’s pathetic.”
“Don’t do that to yourself. You’re still a stone cold badass. You just gave Shizuo a lot of yourself, even though I know you tried not to. And it’s hard to pretend you’re a whole person when the guy you’re standing up to is the one who holds most of who you are.” No kidding.
“You’re always so wise beyond your years Dotachin.” I mumble, poking his side. He snorts a laugh.
“I have this thing called common sense. And an appreciation for classic literature.” I laugh, but it’s kind of ugly sounding. Too sharp and hysterical. But it’s something at least. It’s way more than I thought I’d be laughing within the near future. “It’ll be okay. When you see him, lay everything out on the table. Don’t take no for an answer. And find out what the fuck is going on in his dumb skull.”
“I never thought I’d have to be the Shizuo in this weird messed up thing.” I grumble. “I don’t like it. I much prefer being Izaya.”
“I prefer you being Izaya too, if I’m honest.” He admits. “If nothing else, confront him for your right to be the alpha Izaya once more.”
Another gross snort of laughter escapes me. “Yes, oh wise one.”
Kadota squeezes me for a moment before pulling away and getting to his feet. “I’ll take you home. You should be somewhere safe right now.” He encourages, waiting patiently for me to take his hand. Finally- reluctantly- I accept the gesture and let him haul me to my feet.
“Thanks.” I tell him again.
“Yeah, of course.” He smiles warmly, tugging me along towards the door back inside. “After all, what would Ikebukuro be without the more twisted half of its power couple?”
“Get fucked Dotachin.”
“You first.”
~~~
“You sure you’re okay?” I give Kadota a look over my shoulder, pausing in unlocking my door so that I can give my full focus to the bitch face I’m leveling at him. “Hey, just making sure.” He justifies himself.
“For the dozenth time.” I mutter, turning back to the door. It opens with a click and I stand in the entrance to face him. “Don’t worry. I won’t run to the roof the second you leave.”
“I wasn’t worried about the roof. I’m more worried you’re gonna get shit faced and drunk dial Shizuo.” At least he’s honest.
“I’m sure that would go over great for me. But lucky for you and your mothering sensibilities, I’m too exhausted to think about getting drunk right now.” And at least I’m…sort of honest. I am exhausted, but really I just wasn’t thinking about drinking because I don’t want to be in any less control of myself than I already am. That would definitely be bad.
“So when do you think you’ll call him?” He challenges. I shrug.
“When it doesn’t feel like getting stabbed when I think about it.”
“Poetic.” He smirks.
“Shut the fuck up.” I roll my eyes, starting to close the door. He puts his hand on the door to stop me.
“Hey, don’t forget what I said. You’re a badass. Don’t let yourself forget that when the time comes.” Kadota is a good friend, he has been since high school- even if it was begrudging on his part. But I don’t know many people who would come through in the way he has tonight. I let the door fall open again to hug him, catching him off guard. But he hugs back anyway.
“Bye Dotachin.” I give him a little wave once I’ve stepped back, and he nods in recognition as he walks down the hall. I wait until he’s got on the elevator to close and lock my door, sighing heavily when that barrier between me and the rest of the world slides into place.
All at once I feel about ten times heavier with exhaustion. And that’s saying something, considering how miserably weary I already was.
I kick off my shoes, and let my jacket drop to a bundle on the floor. I’ll pick it up tomorrow. Not like Namie will be here to yell at me for it. Neither will Shizuo. I cringe at that thought, idly entertaining the idea of maybe one shot of whiskey before I crawl away to bed. One surely wouldn’t hurt.
I make my way to the kitchen by muscle memory more than sight. I don’t switch on any lights, and it’s a dark night outside with no clouds to reflect the cities glow, and no moon to cast any shadows in my apartment. But I don’t need light when I know every sharp corner of this place by heart.
My whiskey is still out on the counter from last night when I had a couple shots to lull me to sleep without Shizuo’s customary body warmth. In lieu of dirtying yet another shot glass- which Namie will give me hell about when she goes to wash dishes next week- I just take a swig from the bottle. It burns as it goes down, but it’s a comforting warmth in the face of the cold that’s been settled in my chest all night.
I cough a little, take another big swallow, and then cap the bottle. Oh yeah. That’s more than enough.
It’s while I’m turning to make my way upstairs that I finally catch sight of the odd shape in the room. From the door, and the path to the kitchen, the shadows of the apartment and the meager lighting outside kept me from seeing the bulky object behind my desk. The solid presence that can only be human.
I scramble for the kitchen light switch, cringing as my desk is lit up with harsh synthetic light. I cringe again when I see the intruder illuminated in perfect detail.
I think I already knew it would be Shizuo. But to see him sitting there, a bottle of sake half drained in his hand and a glare on his face, is terrifying. My heart has started to race again and not just from the surprise of his appearance.
“What the fuck…” I whisper. He raises an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed. I force a confidence into my body that I definitely do not feel. Be a badass. Be a fucking badass, Izaya. “What the fuck are you doing here Shizu-chan?”
“Waiting.” He bites simply, lifting the bottle in his fist to his lips. The way he swallows the sake without so much as a wince is unnerving. Everything about this is.
“Are you drunk?” I demand, glaring at the bottle he’s definitely lifted from my stash. From past experience I know how wasted I am after half a bottle of that sake.
But then again, Shizuo is nothing like me. “Please. Takes a hell of a lot more than this watered down shit to get me drunk.” He grunts, slamming the bottle down on my desk so hard I’m surprised neither of them shatter.
Shizuo stands from my chair, but doesn’t come any closer. I’m glad. I’m in no way ready to be close to him right now.
“Well, let’s not forget about two bottles you had at dinner. I’m sure that helped.” I drawl, calling on my endless bitterness to combat the anxiety and sorrow.
At first nothing crosses Shizuo’s face. Not guilt or regret, or even anger. He just stares at me for a long moment before sighing. “Yeah. Okay, I lied to you about tonight.” He states it like there’s no harm in it. And really, it’s not the lying that I hate the most. It’s the way he looked at me that makes my stomach hurt the most.
It’s that look that flashes through my mind and gives me the strength to snarl out a harsh, “No shit!”
“Don’t get so fucking pious, like you’re some beacon of honesty.” Shizuo immediately sneers back at me. He reaches for the sake, taking another deep drink before he mutters, “Every other word our of your mouth is a goddamn lie.”
I cringe, digging my nails into my raw palms. I’ve been doing it a lot lately, but I can’t make myself stop. Especially not right now. Not with his glare digging into me and his words like knives in my gut.
“Yeah, you’re right. I’m just a lying asshole.” It’s easy to admit. After all, it’s nothing I hadn’t already come to terms with a long time ago. I think that’s why he looks so angry when I say it. I hope so anyway. “But it’s funny. For all the things you’ve done- all the threats and property damage that I’ve endured- I never thought you were one too. Until now.”
Shizuo snorts a laugh that sounds more like a weapon. It grates on my ears and makes my skin prickle uncomfortably. “Right. Right, I’m an asshole. I’m a total fucking dick for having dinner with my friends. I’m sure you did something way more admirable with your night. After you saw my obvious betrayal, that is. Did you just run right home, weeping your eyes out like the victim you obviously are?”
His cooing feels like an insult. I scrunch up my nose in distaste, but begrudgingly answer, “No.”
“No? Well, I guess not. Otherwise I wouldn’t be waiting here for hours for you, right?” He takes another drink, as if to remind me that he’s been sitting in the dark of my apartment waiting for me while I took the long walk home with Kadota. I refuse to feel bad for that though. “So, what did you do?”
“I went someplace to think.” I mutter.
“Mmm. Just someplace? The generic other place besides here?” He’s acting so much like me it hurts. I want to slap him, but I’m too afraid to move.
“A rooftop.”
“Rooftop! Sounds exciting! But you know, I’ve heard rooftops can be dangerous. Pretty easy to fall of them, I’ve heard.”
His words are carefully composed. Measured and designed with weight behind each one. I feel them landing on me like chains, locking me in place under his sharp glare.
He knows.
“Funniest thing. I actually saw someone damn near fall off a rooftop tonight. Yeah. It was pretty soon after I ran after your sorry ass to try to explain myself. I got a little distracted though, watching some idiot dangle off the edge of a building.” He’s started walking towards me now. I don’t like how caged in I feel because of it.
“I slipped, Shizu-chan, don’t get too big a head. Why would I kill myself over you?” I bite, leaning back into the counter.
He’s so big. There’s no real doorway between the kitchen and the rest of the apartment, but standing between the counter and the fridge, he definitely makes a good wall.
“Well, that is a relief. Just slipped. That definitely wouldn’t have killed you, since it wasn’t intentional.” I look away from him quickly, trying hard not to remember how it felt to hang in free air.
Shizuo slams down the sake again, making me jump. “But hey, thank god Kadota was there to swoop in and save you. Good ol’ Kadota. I hope you thanked him for that. Knowing Kadota, he wouldn’t take money or favors. So, how did you thank him I wonder? A hug? A kiss? Maybe you offered to suck-”
“Are you fucking serious?” I shout, unable to hear anything more over the roaring in my own ears. Shizuo stops to level a cool gaze at me. “You’re really gonna turn Kadota saving my fucking life into me cheating on you? Do you really think I’d do that to you, after a fucking year? Is that really what you think of me?”
His silent gaze says everything. Yes. Yes he does think that.
“Fuck…after everything I’ve told you, everything I admitted even when it was really embarrassing, you still think I would go around fucking other people? I had to get actually shit faced to even approach you that first night. We’ve been fucking every day the past year- which is more than enough, considering I don’t have an overactive libido like certain people here. But you really think I’m that desperate for it?”
The righteous indignation doesn’t exactly leave his face, but he does look away from me. His cheeks burn with a little color, and the fact that he can’t meet my eye is very telling.
“You can’t even look me in the fucking face and say it, can you?” I hiss. He just keeps staring into the sake bottle like it’s the most interesting thing in Japan.
But the silence is telling me more than his words could anyway. Everything I’ve said is spot on. And it hurts. It hurts more than I’m willing to deal with right now. “Get out.” I spit.
Shizuo whips his face back towards me, eyes a little wide with shock, but face still set very carefully. Most importantly, he doesn’t move a muscle. “Get the fuck out, Shizu-chan!” I shout, taking a step forward. He still doesn’t budge. It’s damn infuriating.
My head is pounding. Everything in me aches- from physical exhaustion, or emotional upheaval. I hate it. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep for about a week. Or however long it takes to make this feel less like I’m being fucking picked apart, atom from atom.
I have to get out of here. I have to get away from Shizuo.
“Fine.” I snarl, shoving past him and out of the kitchen. I’m honestly surprised he lets me go. I’m more surprised that I get even close to the door before he has a hand wrapped around my wrist, pulling me to halt.
“Where are you going?” He growls.
“The fuck away from you.” I hiss right back. Shizuo’s face twists into something that’s somehow more angry than before. He jerks on my arm, pulling me closer, but I was kinda expecting it.
My knife flicks open in my hand, an old ally I haven’t had much use for this last year. It settles easily against Shizuo’s neck, muscle memory that never quite left all together.
Shizuo freezes, his grip tightening on my arm to near brutal. It eases slightly when I press in harder with steel against his skin. I know I’m dancing on the line of almost breaking through, but I think that’s the only reason he hasn’t tried to bat my arm away yet. Instead he just glares.
“See this is the problem with you Shizu-chan. You don’t listen to reason. And that’s bad. Very bad.” I whisper the old taunt, watching the way his eyes darken. “Now let me go.”
“Get fucked, Izaya.” He spits, shoving me away. I stumble a little over my steps, but make sure to keep my knife outstretched towards him.
“Not really in the mood for that right now.” I goad. He twitches with anger, the alcohol in his blood riling him up even more. Who knows when he’ll snap. A knife might not stop him if I keep prodding.
“You’re running away, you know.” He’s trying to goad me too. Unfortunately for him, he never mastered the art of getting under my skin. Not like I have.
“I suspect it bothers you more than it bother me.” That suspicion is confirmed when he hunches forward like he wants to drop into a fighting stance, and just barely keeps himself from doing it. “Besides, sometimes running is the best option. After all, what kind of a fool would I be to think that I could take on a beast?”
I’m not expecting something to be thrown at me. After all, I’ve been watching his hands pretty carefully since I first realized he was here. But I must have been paying too much attention to his face, and the way it twists and snarls. I’ll have to make note of this for later. If I survive the night that is.
Based on the knife embedded in the wall uncomfortably close to my shoulder, I may not.
“What the fuck-”
The rest of my shout is lost as his hands curl tight around my throat and wrist, pinning me and my weapon to the wall as well. Shizuo is far too close, pressed against me almost from our ankles to our chests, his head tipped in against mine so he can glare into my eyes.
“Something I picked up from you.” He glances lazily towards the knife before returning his cold gaze to my own. “It was pretty easy to salvage it when you were passed out in my bed after sucking me off that first time.”
I couldn’t answer him even if I wanted to. It’s hard enough to even breathe around his hold on my neck, let alone form an insult. Shizuo smirks.
“It’s just a souvenir, from the first time I ever doubted how much of a little shit you are.” I weakly wrap my free hand around his wrist.
My desire to pull him away is there, but I know I don’t have the strength. He knows it too. But he still looks bothered by my hand on his own. “I’m not gonna kill you. I just want you to shut up for a goddamn second and listen to me.”
He squeezes tighter- likely giving in to a bit of the rage still sitting under his skin. I choke on the pitiful breath I try to take. Shizuo immediately loosens his hold enough for me to breathe.
“You were with him all the time. At his place while he drank. Laying in his van while he worked. On a fucking rooftop with him. And after you were with him, you always acted so nervous. Like you were afraid I’d find out some dark secret. What was I supposed to think Izaya?”
At first I’m not sure what he’s talking about. But the realization clicks that we’re back on the subject of Kadota. I tap at his hand twice and he blinks, seeming to realize what I mean. His grip slacks until he’s just holding me there. I have to suck in several deep breaths before I can answer.
“I never lied to you about Kadota. He was just trying to help me- and by extension you.” It’s rough, but he understands every word.
“Help me how?” He rumbles in challenge. I fidget uncomfortably. This isn’t exactly how I wanted to have this conversation. But, no time like the present I guess.
“I got freaked out about the anniversary. Something about how it’s a celebration of commitment, when I have an irrational fear of committing. Can’t exactly talk to Shinra about that. So I went to Kadota.”
“And what did he say?” Shizuo demands. I squeeze his hand again before letting mine drop. His eyes flick to follow it down before returning to mine. But when I start to slowly move my arm again, he doesn’t so much as break eye contact. Good.
“Just common sense stuff. Communication. Listening to what I really wanted. Finding happy middles. Stuff like that.”
“That’s all?” He pries, his thumb sliding up under my jaw to tip my head up. I grit my teeth, looking away from him as much as possible.
“I told him about how unsettled I am by you still wanting sex everyday, even though we’ve been together a year. I always imagined you’d eventually want it to be more special, more of an occasion. So he suggested I tell you, and take a break for a night or two before the anniversary so that it would be more of a big deal.” My face feels like it’s on fire, having to admit these things in this situation.
Maybe that horrid blush is the reason he so easily accepts this as truth though.
“That’s why you didn’t want to have sex after hanging out with him?” He repeats, sounding a bit skeptical still, but I think that’s mostly for show.
“What, did you think I was sore from taking his dick and turned yours down so that I could recover?” I spit bitterly, and his eye twitches. Obviously that was exactly what he was thinking. I scoff to myself. “All those times you told me to trust you. Hi pot, I’m kettle. You’re black.”
“Shut up.” He growls, tightening his grip again. I choke on a gasp, the fingers of my free hand reaching compulsively and finally meeting what they’ve been searching for.
The handle of the knife Shizuo threw at me is familiar- definitely one of my own. I can’t believe he’s kept it all this time. Then again, sounds like he’s never really trusted me, so I shouldn’t be surprised he wanted to have an ace up his sleeve.
I yank the knife from the wall, his gaze flicking to the movement just a bit too late for him to react to it. I swipe towards him, clipping his arm and part of his chest before he’s pulled away far enough to avoid the rest of the action. Blood oozes through his uniform shirt, something that hasn’t happened in a long time. He’s still just as angry as he always was about it though.
“Fuck! I-za-ya-kun!” The roar sends an ache through my chest in the same way that fucking grimace he gave me earlier did. I scramble for the door, finding it hard to breathe even without his hand on my throat. Maybe that’s why I only get one of the locks turned before he’s grabbing hold of me again.
I swing around with my extra knife, ready to draw more blood, but Shizuo is ready for it this time. He grabs my other arm just as fast, tight enough to make pain race up to my shoulder.
Before I can even open my mouth to snarl at him, he slams my wrist back against the wall, my grip opening with the shock of the impact and the knife falling harmlessly to the floor. Shizuo drops my now defenseless hand to jerk on my other, all but forcing me to my knees so he can bend my arm back behind me and drive my shoulders to the ground.
The rest of my breath is pushed out of me as I hit the ground, a weak whine trailing from my throat. Shizuo yanks my remaining knife from me and reaches for my already defenseless hand to press into the small of my back with the other. He draws them low enough for my shoulders to ache with the stretch, driving a hiss from my throat.
“What the fuck are you-” I try to look over my shoulder to see him, my throat seizing up as I watch him tug at his bow tie. He slides the length of fabric free when he’s got the knot undone, wrapping it around my wrists. It doesn’t matter how hard I pull at them or writhe beneath him. He still manages to draw the tie tight around my wrists and knot it well enough that I can’t get it to give even a little. “Fuck-”
“Piece of shit.” He grunts, fingering the bloody slash in his clothes. He doesn’t seem as concerned with the cut skin beneath it, but that’s always been Shizuo’s little brand of crazy. It pales in comparison to this larger crazy that was hiding.
“Fucking let me go!” I yell, glaring daggers at him over my shoulder. His eyes flick to my face, a frown pulling down the corners of his lips.
“Why would I do that?” He asks bluntly. “You’ve always look so good beneath me. I like you here.” Shizuo leans in over me so he can kiss my cheek in a mockery of affection.
“Get off me you fucker.” I hiss, turning my face away from him. “You really think I’d want to fuck you literally right after you accused me of sleeping around?”
Shizuo hums thoughtfully, straightening up but not pulling away. He keeps his weight on my hips to keep me pinned down while his hands go to the bottom of my shirt. He pushes it up to my shoulders, hands stroking over the skin of my back almost reverently. I shudder.
“But I don’t trust you, remember? I think I need a second opinion before I believe you’ve really been faithful.”
My skin prickles with goosebumps, my senses screaming at me that something bad is going to happen. Seconds later cold metal touches my skin- the blunt edge of one of my knives drifting up my spine until it stops where he’s holding my shirt bunched up. I hear fabric ripping as he cuts through it, first up to my collar and then down my arms too- until my shirt falls from my skin as nothing more than ruined fabric.
“Shizu-chan don’t-” The knife clatter off to the side as he shifts off of me finally. But he doesn’t go far. He pushes my legs apart to make himself right at home between them, and reaches beneath me for the button of my jeans. “Fucking don’t-”
“Shh.” He hushes me, dragging my jeans down little by little. I squirm and fight against the tie holding my wrists captive, but the fabric is stronger than my aching arms.
My right wrist and shoulder throb with the memory of being jerked badly when Kadota stopped me from falling earlier. Being forced into this awkward angle doesn’t help at all, and makes it almost impossible to put any force into my struggling.
Shizuo pulls my jeans off the rest of the way and immediately settles back between my legs, hands on either side of my hips as he coaxes me up to my knees. I snarl and growl at him, but he only snorts.
A spit slick finger pushes into me without any warning. My angry growl tapers off to a wounded keen before I can stop it, and it only gets louder the further he pushes in. “S-Stop!”
“Fuck. It’s only been a few weeks, but it’s like the first time we fucked all over again.” Shizuo rumbles, pulling his finger out only to press in with a second one. It burns uncomfortably. “You can’t have been fucking anyone recently. There’s no way.” He states more to himself, spreading his fingers.
“I fucking told you that.” I hiss, trying like mad to get away from him. “So stop already!”
“Hmm? But I’m already here.” He drawls, giving a few more leisurely thrusts of his fingers. “Might as well, don’t you think?”
“No! Fucking stop Shizu-chan!” His zipper slides down like an executioners blade, an obvious answer to my pleading. That answer is no. “Don’t…”
His fingers pull out, immediately being replaced by the warmth of his dick. It’s too much, too fast. There’s no way I can do this. We’ve never been afraid to be a little rough with each other, but this is too rough. I’m already in so much pain- between my aching shoulder and pounding headache. I can’t. I fucking can’t-
The head of his dick pushes into me, forcing a yell from my throat as my entrance burns and protests the stretch. “Please stop! It fucking hurts!”
I’m more than a little surprised when he does stop. He even pulls back, leaving me whimpering and panting for air. Shizuo touches the irritated rim of my entrance with a thoughtful hum.
“It really hurts?” He asks, and I wish I could slap him. I wish I could kick him in his fucking throat.
“Yes! Fuck, please don’t do this!” I arch to look over my shoulder again, barely able to meet his eyes. He’s looking at me like he’s not sure whether or not he believes me. And he keeps stroking over my entrance, watching every wince and cringe he draws from me.
Finally Shizuo pulls his touch away, sliding his hands up to my waist instead. I sigh in relief, letting my head fall back to the ground.
Prematurely, I find out not two second later.
A sharp pain on the swell of my ass makes my head shoot up and a shout burst from my throat. I whip my face back towards him, staring wide eyed as he sinks his teeth further into my skin.
“W-What-”
“Did that hurt too?” Shizuo asks idly, his tongue tracing the deep indents of his teeth. I whimper, which he seems to accept as an answer. He trails his lips up to my hip bone, tracing across my lower back and then down to lightly kiss my unblemished cheek.
He bites down again, almost harder than before. I duck my head down, all but screeching at the terrible sting that races up my spine from the savage wound. “Did that hurt, Izaya?”
“Why are you doing this?” I shakily demand. He ignores me, running his thumb over the new bite.
“And, does this hurt?” I’m tense with expectation of another bite. So the feeling of something wet, warm, and broad sweeping over my entrance leaves me scrambling with panic and confusion.
I try to jerk forward, away from the feeling. But his grip has returned to my waist to hold me still as he continues licking my ass. His tongue feels odd there, running relentlessly over the puckered skin between my cheeks. Gasps and half formed yelps keep rasping from my throat, as I’ve apparently lost the ability to form any proper words.
It’s excruciating and so fucking good, and I hate it.
“S-Stop-” I finally manage to stutter out, much to his amusement it would seem. His hands move down to my ass, pulling my cheeks apart a little more before his tongue pushes insistently at my entrance. “Shizu-chAH!”
It feels like he’s trying to fuck me with just his tongue, and I hate that it’s sending blood running south faster than I can try to will it away. My dick all but throbs between my legs. I fucking hate it.
“No…” I whine at my body, but Shizuo must think it’s at him. His tongue pulls out to lick and suck at the rim of my entrance again, teasing the tender flesh until I’m all but shaking. At random he’ll dart back inside of me for a few seconds before returning to licking me raw. Either way, I’m squirming beneath him, pleas streaming from my throat unceasingly. I don’t even hear most of them over the rushing of my own blood in my ears.
I keep trying to look over my shoulder at him, hoping to catch his eye and maybe get him to stop if I look pitiful enough. He straightens up with a disgusting lick to his lips that makes me shudder. I wish it was just disgust making me shudder.
“It’s hard to see me from there, huh?” He purrs, groping my ass with the firm grip he’s got on me. “You wanna see? You wanna watch me fuck you with my tongue?”
“No-oh!” My complaint turns to a gasp as he flips me over forcefully, pulling my knees over his shoulders. It takes some of the weight of my body off my bound arms, but my shoulder still throbs with the awkward angle being forced on it. I whine, arching a little and falling when that only makes it hurt more. Shizuo chuckles, the sound dark in his throat.
“I wanna see you too.” He rumbles. I open my mouth to snarl at him, but it doesn’t work. Because by then he’s got his tongue back inside me and I can’t think of words, let alone how to string them into sentences.
“Ah! Shizu- AH!” Shizuo’s hand feels like fire when it wraps around my dick, stroking in time to the thrusting of his tongue in me. My toes curl where they hang over his shoulders, my lip clenched tight between my teeth. I hate this. I fucking ha- “AHH!”
Cum lands like acid on my stomach, which heaves with the gasping breaths I’m sucking in. Shizuo smirks, looking far too pleased for someone who literally ate an ass. I shudder again, through the shivers already wracking my body.
“L-Lemme go-” I can’t even pretend to sound firm. I can’t even pretend I have the strength in my body to pull my legs from his shoulders. So that’s where they stay as Shizuo reaches forward to run his fingers through my cum.
“Oh no. We’re not fucking done.” He tells me with that devilish smirk still in place. My chest seizes in fear at the intention in his words. A few seconds later, my ass joins the party, clenching around the two cum coated fingers he presses inside me. Between his spit and my cum, it’s an easy slide. But that doesn’t make it easier to bear.
“Please, Shizu-chan, stop it-” His fingers crook up, reaching and searching for something that he finds far too easily. He strokes over my prostate with a deadly pressure that makes my vision blur and my throat close up. The weak breaths I manage to take in and out sound like whimpers and whines as he rubs devastating circles into my nerves nonstop.
It’s almost an insult to look down and see how hard I am in his hand after just coming. I want to resist him, to deprive him of his fun by keeping my body neutral and unaffected. But my body has other ideas, rising to the occasion no matter what I want. I feel betrayed- by him and myself.
And then he leans forward to lick the head of my dick and my body fucking riots. It’s painful how fast my erection fills with blood, spurred on by his stroking, sucking, and fingering. He milks my prostate so hard and so insistently it brings tears to my eyes as I gasp and writhe and hate myself for every second.
“Y-You have to s-stop-” I sob pathetically. Shizuo raises an eyebrow, not even deigning to pull off my dick and answer me.
He doesn’t really need to anyway. The answer is clear on his cruel, merciless face. He won’t stop. He can do whatever he wants. And apparently what he wants is to watch me suffer from the pleasure he’s forcing on me.
“S-Shizu-ah!”
He pulls off of my dick at the last second, catching the thin spurt of cum in his palm as he continues pressing into my prostate. It feels like an eternity of agony before he eases that horrifying pressure, sliding his fingers from my entrance and my knees from his shoulder to let my body fall slack as it shakes.
I feel numb. Drained. Fucking exhausted. I can’t even keep my eyes open, letting them fall shut as I try to remind myself how to breathe.
Like so many other things tonight, this is a mistake. It leaves me totally unprepared for the moment he fits his hand under my knee, lifts my leg, and slides his dick into my ass.
It’s slick with what has to be the cum he caught in his hand, but that only helps so much when he still only put two fingers in me. The fit of his cock in my body is tight and overwhelming and insistent. And so fucking good that it hurts.
Literally, since I’m so overstimulated. It really is just a pleasant torture at this point as he starts fucking into me- deep and fast right from the first thrust. Since I hadn’t even gotten my breath back from the first two orgasms, I can barely breathe through the barrage.
“Fuck…missed this…” Shizuo groans, bending forward to nuzzle my neck. My head lulls to the side, feeling too heavy to hold up, and bearing the full stretch of my skin to him. He bites down immediately, a sharp cry leaving my lips. “Missed fucking what’s mine.”
“F-Fuck yo-ou-” I manage to force out. He purrs a growl, sinking his teeth into my shoulder this time. He couples it with a tight squeeze to my right nipple. I all but squeal, much to his delight.
“You’re angry at me now, but you’re still mine. Always will be.” He kisses the bite, rubs soothingly over the sting in my nipple. “Isn’t that right?”
I press my eyes shut, choking on my air.
“Yeah. That’s right. Mine.” Shizuo kisses my chin. Then my neck. And then his lips wrap around my aching nipple and suck.
“AH!”
He keeps toying with me while he fucks me, biting and licking and sucking while always keeping one hand on my dick. It takes longer this time, but he coaxes me back to painful hardness. And when he works me over for the third time, I’m not sure if I can differentiate between the pain and the pleasure.
“You came dry.” Shizuo remarks thoughtfully, rubbing the tip of his thumb over my throbbing slit. I yelp, arching sharply.
“N-No more…please…” I whimper, falling boneless the second he releases the pressure of his thumb. His hand comes up to rub my cheek, his hips still snapping forward relentlessly.
“You’re doing so good. Just a little more.” He murmurs.
“I-I can’t- please Shizu-” I sob. He thumb brushes the tips of my eyelashes. A shiver runs across my skin.
“You can.” I shake my head fitfully. Shizuo chuckles, moving his hand to curl around my waist to the small of my back. He lifts my hips, taking weight off my tingling hands and shifting the angle of his thrusts. His dick strikes into my prostate, a scream wrenching from my throat.
“No!” I cry, actual sobs raking through my raw chest. Shizuo shushes me, and continues his assault with a vengeance.
I ache more with every passing minute. Every nerve in my body feels overstimulated. It’s way too much. But he just keeps going, pressing in harder and harder- always right on my prostate- until his thrusts start to grow uneven.
Warmth fills my insides as his movements finally stutter to a stop. I groan, tossing my head to the side as he noses at my neck.
“You’re hard again.” Shizuo rumbles, obviously amused.
“D-Don’t you dare-”
He pulls out, but immediately slides three fingers inside of me. The renewed attack to my nerves leaves tears falling down my cheeks. He kisses them away, making soft noises of comfort that really do nothing to comfort me.
Ages later a weak attempt at a scream burns my throat as my dick jerks in his palm. Shizuo purrs happily, running his hand through my sweat drenched hair over and over.
I half expect him to immediately start touching me again. But he just stays curled over me, petting my hair and kissing any spare patch of skin he can find. It’s enough of a rest- the first one I’ve had in what feels like hours, or maybe days- that I finally start to really breathe again.
The light headed feeling of oxygen returning to my lungs and blood filling my head has me dizzy and nauseous and weeping. Weeping so brokenly.
All I want is to sleep. Maybe forever. And without him immediately launching into another attack, I finally fall into a restless unconsciousness soon enough.
~~~
It’s warm when I wake up. The soothing lapping of water on my skin is comforting, as is the steady throb of a heartbeat under my ear. Even the gentle pressure of an arm around my waist is comforting. Maybe I’m just too tired to find it disturbing.
Dragging my eyes open feels like lifting a hundred pound weight. Even when I do blink my vision into clarity, I’m too out of it to immediately recognize my own bathroom. I should just go back to sleep. I want to, so bad.
The chest beneath my cheek breathes steadily, seeming to urge me to fall back unconscious. But there’s an angry red cut across his pectoral and deltoid that keeps me from dropping back off. I stare at the wound for a long time, listening to Shizuo breathe deep and calm.
“Are you awake?” He murmurs softly. Pruney fingers cup my cheek, rubbing beneath my eye as I continue to stare without really seeing. “Or are you still out of it?” He mumbles thoughtfully, dropping his hand to circle my wrist.
Shizuo brings the bruised skin to his lips, kissing my wrist with a delicacy that was entirely absent not long ago. My hand twitches at the memory, and his eyes dart down to my face. He kisses my skin again, this time watching me closely as I scrunch my nose up angrily. A heavy sigh builds in his chest, ruffling my hair when he releases it.
“I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m so sorry Izaya.” He whispers, easing my hand back down to the warm water surrounding us. His touch returns to my face, stroking gently across my features. I press my eyes shut. “I know you’re angry. You have every right to be.”
That’s a fucking understatement.
He traces my lips with his thumb. I jerk back from the touch. Shizuo’s arm tightens around my waist, but when he knows that I’m not going to slide into the water from the movement, it eases again.
“I am sorry. Not just for what I did. I’m sorry for making assumptions. I’m sorry for not talking about them with you. And I’m sorry for letting myself get so fucking jealous that I ended up hurting you. In a lot of ways.” There’s definitely remorse in his tone. It aches in my chest the way only a genuine apology can.
I curl my hands to fists that don’t get as tight as I’d like. I have barely any strength to speak of right now. You need energy to have strength, and I’m past depleted right now. Which only makes me angrier.
How dare he make me feel sorry for him after what he did!
“I fucked up Izaya. I fucked up bad. I don’t have the right to ask anything of you. But please…just tell me if this is the end.” He pauses. When I don’t say a thing, he buries his face in my hair and shakily inhales. “If there’s anything I can ever do to fix this, please tell me. Even if you don’t know what it is, just tell me if it’s possible. And if it’s not, if you’ll never forgive me, I’ll accept that. But I need you to tell me.”
The bathroom is deafeningly silent. There’s so many things I could say. So many things I should say. But they all sit in my chest like a million stones weighing me down until I can’t breathe. And I can’t speak. And I don’t know what I would say if I could speak.
Shizuo waits patiently, breathing in my scent and holding me like he’s afraid it’ll be the last time. And that aches too, his resignation. And I hate that ache. But it does hurt, because I fucking love him, and I have for so long even though I’ve never told him that. I never told him how long I’d been pining miserably for him before I got drunk and sucked him off.
I was willing to take his rage that night if it meant finally expressing how I felt. And that’s been the story of our whole relationship really. There’s so much pain, tension, and suffering between us.
But- to stay with the analogy- I’ve always gladly volunteered to hit that iceberg, even knowing it meant sinking. Because there’s also been so much love, affection, and growth between us in the last year. And I can’t forget that, even now.
“Fix it.” I whisper, my throat burning with the effort. It feels shredded. I hate to imagine what the rest of me will feel like when I eventually try to move.
Shizuo stiffens under me, his breath stuttering in his chest. But he nods and chokes out a, “Thank you.” and that eases a little of the weight in my chest. Enough to let myself drift off again as he starts gently sobbing beneath my head.
~~~
Shinra sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose beneath his glasses. “One more time.” He drawls tiredly.
Shizuo swallows nervously, avoiding looking at our friend. Or Celty. Or me. “I…kinda raped Izaya.” He mumbles with a deep shame in his voice. Celty keeps looking between us like she doesn’t know who to question. Or what she wants to ask. Instead she just stands there, looking flustered, even without a head.
Shinra sighs again, deep and slowly. When he looks up, it’s with murder in his eyes. “Out.” He growls at the blond shaking in the middle of his living room. Shizuo blinks and all but runs from the room, followed closely by Celty. Which leaves me, feeling only marginally less nervous than Shizuo. “What happened?”
I glance up at him from where I’m curled into a ball on his couch. I really don’t want to talk about it. Especially not in the kind of detail I know he’s going to demand. But looking up at him, I know I don’t exactly have a choice.
“We had a fight. A big one. He thought I was cheating on him with Dotachin.” My voice is still raspy. Enough so that Shinra moves closer, sitting on the ground in front of where my head is laying.
“That’s dumb.” He grunts. “But whatever, you’re both stupid. Then what happened?”
I swallow around the knot in my throat. It aches with every swallow or word. I cringe at the long explanation before me. “I went to storm out and he grabbed me. I put a knife to his throat so he let me go. And I stupidly let my anger run my mouth, which made him throw a knife at me to catch me off guard.”
“I thought you had the knife.” Shinra interjects.
“We both had one.” He looks like he wants to smack his head against the floor a couple dozen times. But refrains. “Basically I ended up cutting his chest and arm, and he took exception to that. So he threw me on the ground and tied my hands behind me.”
Shinra’s eyes dart down to my wrists, hidden for the moment behind the biggest, softest sweater Shizuo could find in my closet. The fact that it’s his itches on my skin a little, but I allowed it.
I roll up the long sleeves so that Shinra can examine the deep bruises printed on both my wrists. His cheeks fill with an outraged red as he stands for his doctor bag. It only builds as he spreads soothing creme across the angry flesh.
“Then what did he do?” He demands, his voice terrifying when absent it’s normal jovial tone.
“A lot.” I cringe at the weak explanation, and at the glare he shoots up at me. My eyes close as my cheeks warm. I want to curl further into his couch. Maybe disappear into the cushions all together. “There are bites. A lot of them. Probably rug burn on my arms and shoulders. It feels really raw at my entrance. My throat hurts.”
“I could tell.” He grumbles, snapping on his gloves in preparation. I shudder, but let him help me turn to my other side. He has me tuck my knees up to my chest and warns me before he eases my sweats down. “Fucking hell…” He gasps. I curl in tighter to myself.
Shinra works quietly. He examines me, treats me, has me move when needed so he can be thorough. It’s uncomfortable to say the least. But I bear with it, clenching my teeth and waiting it out.
Finally he leans back on his heels, his face more angry than ever.
“Is there anything else?” He asks, sounding like he’s standing on the line of intent doctor and wary friend.
“I-I…” He raises an eyebrow, gesturing for me to go on. I bury my face in my crossed arms, unable to face him. “I came four times.” I whisper. “He made me come four times.” I amend when he’s silent.
“Is there discomfort?” He asks at length, voice carefully neutral. I nod. “I’ll get back to you.” He mutters. My head snaps up, eyes darting to where he was, and then to where he is now- halfway across the room.
“Where are you going?” I ask in disbelief.
“I’m gonna kill him.” He states.
“Shinra wait!” He stops just before he can vanish into the hall. “Don’t. Don’t kill him.” He turns back towards me.
“Please don’t tell me you’re actually going to defend him.” He sneers.
“No, I’m fucking pissed, and he knows that.” The ‘but’ goes unsaid, hovering silently at the end of my statement until he again gestures for me to go on. “I dunno. He’s done worse, physically. Back when we first started this and he didn’t know my limits yet.”
“That’s not the- it doesn’t- Izaya he fucking raped you. You repeatedly told him- begged him- to stop, and he did not. That is spousal rape, and it is not okay.” Shinra hisses. I cringe, looking down and nodding.
“I know.”
“So, what? You’re gonna go back to him?” He challenges, stomping back over to me. “I know you guys have a lot of history, but-”
“I love him, Shinra.” His face scrunches in disgust. “I have for a long time. We’ve both made mistakes. This was a big fucking mistake on his part- and not something I’ll ever forget, believe me. But I don’t think he’ll ever forget it either. And that’ll stop him from doing it again.”
“You don’t know that. He’s fucking crazy.”
“So am I!” I shout, wincing at the flair of pain in my throat. Shinra huffs angrily, stalking to the kitchen to pour me water.
“I know you’re not going to listen to me, no matter what I try to say to you. But it’s fucked up, you going back to him. And I’m sure if I told some of our mutual acquaintances- like Shiki-san, or hell even Yagiri-san- they would hunt him down and fucking murder him. Whether you begged for his life or not.”
My heart hammers in my chest at the threat. He brings me the water, all but shoving it into my hands.
“So you have to promise me something, right here and now, if you expect me to keep quiet about this.” He demands, waiting for me to hold eye contact with him and nod my understanding. “If he ever messes up again- even a little- you are going to fucking leave him. Do you hear me? Because if this happens again, and he carries you into this apartment in anything close to this shape again, I will murder him.”
The glass in my hand is heavy. But not as heavy as my chest feels at the possibility of there being an ‘again’. I swallow a sip of water to try to calm myself down before answering him.
“I understand Shinra.” It’s weak, but it’s an agreement to his terms. And he nods fiercely.
After that, his shoulders drop about three inches, and his face clears into something a bit more Shinra-ish. Still obviously angry and troubled, but hidden under the mask he wears more comfortably than anything I’ve ever seen.
“Okay. I won’t tell anyone. And I’ll make sure Celty doesn’t either.”
Which is really for the best. I know a lot of dangerous people. And there’s a handful of those dangerous people who would like nothing more than to see Shizuo cut limb from limb while still breathing if they ever found out about this. It has to stay a secret.
But I trust Shinra. Probably more than I even trust myself right now.
“Now. If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go punch Shizuo in the fucking face.” He chirps happily. I don’t stop him this time. I don’t think there’s a way I could.
And if I take a little selfish enjoyment from the alarmed yell and fleshy thud of fist meeting face that comes from the bedrooms deep in the apartment, no one has to know.
~~~
“Are you sure you’re comfortable?” Shizuo frets over me insistently, even though I’ve been happily in bed for like twenty minutes now. Drugged and wrapped in a blanket and did I mention drugged?
“Mm hmm.” I hum lightly, blinking slowly as he nervously shifts from foot to foot.
“Should I…are you gonna need anything in the morning? Something I can leave by your bed or-”
“Nuh uh.” I shake my head lazily, pointing to the water bottle and pill bottle already set up on my nightstand with a couple of snacks and my phone. Shizuo nods, but still hovers. “You can sit.” I tell him idly. He looks doubtful, but I cut him a wicked glare and he drops obediently onto the edge of my bed.
I scooch over to make room for him, and he almost panics and stands back up. Probably thinking I’m trying to get away from him. I roll my eyes and my body, clearing up a whole side of the bed for him to sit against the headboard next to where I’m sprawled. Shizuo takes it, if only so he can reach over and pull my blanket back up around me.
“Does your face hurt?” I can’t stop looking at the cut across the bridge of his nose, and the small crescent bruise under his eye. I guess I never expected Shinra would be able to punch well. Man I was wrong.
“It’s fine.” He says quickly. Too quickly. I raise an eyebrow. “It is. And besides, even if it wasn’t, Shinra refused to give me any pain pills for it. Since I deserve it and all.” There’s that ever present shame.
“Yeah. You were kinda an ass.” I mumble. He cringes. “I was kinda an ass too. I’m just the weaker ass, so I was the one who got curb stomped. Survival of the fittest and all.”
“It’s not a competition. You shouldn’t have had to fight me.”
“Shouldn’t’ve. But I did.” I shrug. “Did Shinra look at your cut?” I trace the place on my own chest where I cut him. He copies the gesture, tracing the wound through his shirt.
“He said it could probably use stitches, but he wasn’t gonna do them. He’s really pissed with me.”
“You should go to the doctor. The one who doesn’t hold grudges.” I suggest. Shizuo shakes his head with an almost smile.
“It’ll be okay too. I heal fast, remember?”
“You’ll scar.” I point out.
“I want to.” I raise my eyebrow again. “I don’t ever wanna forget what I did. I won’t let myself.” He vows. I cut my gaze to his knees. It’s a safer sight than his face. “I hurt you, Izaya. We’ve been together a year and I hurt you really fucking bad.”
“It’s impossible not to hurt people at some point. Even when you try not to. Life’s too long and people are too human and pain is an inevitability.” I drawl it all, already forgetting the beginning by the time I get to the end. I giggle.
“You’re so fucking stoned.” He snorts.
“Mm hmm.” I hum again, a chipper two note sound that makes me giggle as well. His hand settles in my hair and I smile.
“I’m sorry Izaya.”
“Already said that. Lots.” I tell him in what could be a patronizing tone if I wasn’t mystified by the way the pads of my fingers looked. His hand blocks my line of sight to my fingertips, lacing his fingers between my own.
“I’ll keep saying it too.” He warns.
“Dull.” I sigh. “It’ll get boring really fast.”
“I don’t care. I’ll find new ways to say it. And new ways to show it through my actions.” I groan, rolling my eyes so hard it takes me a second to blink them back into focus. “I’ll fix it.” He whispers. So low I’m surprised I heard it.
“Good. I want it to be fixed.” I admit- way more honestly than I know I would if I were in control of my mind. He squeezes my hand with a small smile. “You know you’re cut off though, right? Like for at least a week. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body.”
A delightful flush spreads across his face. I giggle.
“Yeah.” He mumbles awkwardly. “I can live with that.”
“Thas good.” I slur. He goes back to petting my hair. “Not done with you yet, Shizu-chan.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” He promises. “Not until the moment you want me gone.”
“I know.”
And as stoned as I am, I do know that. It’s the most fucked up way possible for it to finally sink in for me; but of course it would be, because it’s me.
I always thought Shizuo would eventually get tired of the sex, and me. And I would be brokenhearted forever, mourning the breakup while he moved on. But that’s not it at all. He might actually be more fucked up about it than I am, if this experience is any indication of how he’d react to me leaving.
Everything about this is crazy. But we’re both fucking whacked, so of course it would be. But like Kadota said, maybe that’s why we’re perfect for each other. Two equally crazy fuckers.
Equal. Now isn’t that an interesting notion.