Chapter Text
"Hey I'm home!" Jaebum called out as he came through the door, throwing his keys in the side dish and toeing off his shoes. "Hey, Jinyoung, did you hear me?" He padded softly through the house, searching for his boyfriend. "Are you home?" He skidded into his bedroom.
"Hey-y-y-y…?" He broke off as he took in the scene - the dark haired boy sitting on the bed - sitting on the unmade bed - surrounded by sealed up boxes and packed suitcases. The boy had obviously been waiting for him as he was dressed in outdoor clothes. "Um, what's going?"
The room felt cold, like there was no life except for him. Something prickled up the back of his neck and he suddenly felt nauseated. Jaebeom gulped, unnerved. "Jinyoung?" he questioned. The boy in question turned his head to look at him for a moment before turning away, looking out the small window of their room.
Jaebeom switched his focus to look around the room and felt something stir in him, something unsettling, unnerving. Why were there packed suitcases and boxes and why was the bed stripped to nothing…? He looked at the suitcases then at his boyfriend.
He called out softly. "Hey. Jinyoungie? Hey, what's going on?"
The younger man took a breath before replying, "I'm leaving you."
Jaebeom felt the air thicken around him, his heart filling with fear. What? "What?" he croaked. He looked back at the door he had walked through, as if to ask himself what had he walked into. Shaking his head, as if to clear his hearing, he repeated, "What?"
The answer was still the same, "I'm leaving you."
Jaebeom was floored. He swallowed hard, breathing shallow. His voice was strangled as he asked, "Why?"
Jinyoung breathed out, face resolutely turned toward the window. "I think it's better this way."
Jaebeom exploded. " Better… ? What? Jinyoung - baby - talk to me! What? It's not better this way. You're talking about leaving me. About ending us ! What happened? I mean - what? I left you this morning and everything was okay and then I come home to this? What?" He swallowed hard, his breathing coming in shallow heaves. It's better this way? What the hell? His brain went on overdrive. He's leaving? But he said he would never leave.
His eyes roved over the younger man's figure. The blank stare out the window, the determined set of his shoulders told Jaebeom the younger was mentally removed, already having left in his head. How had he missed this? What is going on? Why was this happening? Surely they could fix this? Whatever this is. He stood there. Waiting.
"I don't want to talk about it." Jinyoung's voice was firm, face still turned away.
"The fuck?!" Jaebeom was incredulous. "You don't want to talk about it? Are you fucking kidding me? You don't want to talk about it? You don't want to talk about it. You don't want to talk about it? What about me? What about what the fuck do I want?"
"Jaebeom. Stop. You know there's no point in continuing when one of us doesn't want to. There isn't anything to talk about. I've decided and I'm leaving."
"Fuck! Jinyoung!" In anger and frustration, he paced around the room, unable to keep still. He had to keep moving because if he stopped, he would break. He was shaking, partly from adrenalin and partly from fear. He could feel Jinyoung's eyes on him, but he couldn't make himself stop. The younger man's revelation had taken Jaebeom by surprise and the resulting anger, denial, and bargaining was happening all at once. An endless stream of words kept coming out of his mouth and Jaebeom felt helpless to stem the tide of words. "What… why , Jinyoung? I don't understand. You can't mean this! Why are you doing this? What can I do? Is it me? What do I need to change? Is it my late nights? Is it my sleeping habits? Is my habit of flicking through songs that annoying that you'll leave me? No, that can't be it. You wouldn't leave me for that. Then… What is it? What can I do to make this better? Tell me. Tell me, Jinyoungie. Please!" Jaebeom stopped, frustration raging through him. He gripped his hair with tight fingers. What the fuck was wrong with his boyfriend? What the fuck was wrong with this? What is going on? "What the fuck? What do you mean? I don't get it!"
"That's the problem. You don't get it. You never did. That's why I'm leaving."
" That's …argh! That's a massive fucking cryptic fucking cope out. And you know it!" Jaebeom was fuming at this passive aggressive tactic of Jinyoung's.
What the fuck was wrong with Jinyoung? Why won't he even talk about what the problem was? He was just going to leave? What about Jaebeom? What about what the fuck he wanted or how much he cared? After everything, and all that they have been through - he is fine with just leaving? What about their life? Oh my god, what about the cats?
He took a deep breath, feeling angry tears in his eyes and a sharp pain in his heart. Jaebeom looked over at Jinyoung; took in his boyfriend's side profile - the beautiful face that just this morning he had woken up to like he had countless times in the past and stared as usual at the younger, silently thanking his lucky stars for letting him be in his life - now this impassive, resolute face that was not willing to budge from his stance, his decision and refused to even meet his eyes. And to top it off, Jinyoung was stonewalling him and not explaining anything.
Silence from the other man. The silence was oppressive. Jaebeom's heart hammered hard in his chest. He held his breath, not wanting to push the other man yet wanting him to speak.
What does this even mean? Jaebeom couldn't understand what this was. It was frustrating and aggravating. One moment they seemed fine and they had made plans to even go out that weekend with friends and now they were breaking up? What on earth was going on?
Jaebeom was twisted and confused, and his heart was in so much goddamn pain. He wanted his Jinyoungie, not this robot person in front of him with no emotions. He glanced around. The room felt smaller, more compact, more claustrophobic. Jaebeom had never noticed how small the room felt before. The walls seemed to narrow, the ceilings closing in.
Jaebeom swallowed hard, trying to get his head around the bombshell that had been dropped. He heard nothing save their breathing. The room was so quiet. His chest felt tight and it hurt to breathe. He wanted to reach out and grab his Jinyoungie, his beautiful boy and just hold him; just hold him and tell him that whatever this is, it's okay, they will get through it. He wanted Jinyoung to tell him he had made a mistake and that he loved him and couldn't stay away from him and he didn't know what he was thinking.
Something in him snapped.
"Argh… You know what? Fine. Go. Go fucking leave. Fuck the last I-don't-know-how-fucking-long..."
"Ten years." Jinyoung broke in, his tone soft. Jaebeom looked at the young man. Jinyoung finally stared back at him, but his face was still that neutral, that impassive mask. Come back. The younger continued in that same soft tone. "It's been ten years, Jaebeom." Those beautiful eyes met his gaze, never wavering. "Ten years, two weeks, four days, and ten hours and probably about fifty-two minutes. I counted. You didn't."
But I did, Jinyoungie. I did.
He heard Jinyoung take a breath and braced himself for whatever words were going to come out of his boyfriend's mouth. Maybe he had cheated on him, maybe he was tired, maybe it would be…Jaebeom didn't really believe his his brain kept trying to tell him. He knew it was over, but he didn't want to go out without a fight.
"But why…?" he asked with pain in his voice. "Why are you leaving m...?"
"I don't love you anymore," Jinyoung blurted out.
I don't love you anymore.
The words stopped Jaebeom cold.
I don't love you anymore.
The words reverberated through his head, getting louder and louder.
I don't love you anymore.
He broke down then. He fell to his knees, gasping. Tears fell from his eyes and he felt as if his heart had shattered into a thousand pieces.
He didn't think he would ever forget this moment. Ever.
Deep, heart wrenching sobs wracked his body. He couldn't breathe. Oh my god, he couldn't breathe. He shook as he cried, chest heaving, fists on his thighs, tears dripping from his chin onto the floor between his knees. He cried until he felt empty. He cried on his knees until he couldn't cry anymore. Then he was sobbing. He heard himself taking gulps of air and then just sobbing, the sound echoing through the room.
The sun had set by the time his sobs had subsided. He felt choked, and numb.
I don't love you anymore.
How the fuck… How do you stop loving someone? He couldn't fathom it.
Jaebeom looked at the man in front of him. He was like a complete stranger. His Jinyoung would never have said anything that hurtful, that demeaning, that dismissive of their life together. They'd been together for ten years - longer even! When they'd gone through coming out of the closet to their family; when they'd come out to their friends; when they'd bought their first car together; the first apartment they rented. They had been together through good times, even better times, and they had been through some of shittiest moments, but always, always together. They were friends and lovers, partners in life and in love. And now... Raising his eyes to the ceiling, he took a deep breath before quietly rising to his feet and straightening his back. He looked at the younger man for a while.
I don't love you anymore.
Jaebeom scoffed in his head. What the fuck ever. Jaebeom stared at the man he thought was his world and whom he had thought felt the same way. Now he looked like a stranger to his eyes. When did it change?
"What, Jaebeom? For once you don't have anything to say?" Jinyoung's voice was cold. Jaebeom shivered inside. Cold, and hurtful, the words sharp and designed to sting.
He knew would never forget this moment. He may not dwell on it, but he would not forget it. The moment when Park Jinyoung broke his world and his heart.
He leaned back against the wall. Jaebeom rubbed his hands over his face, weariness showing in his every being. Finally he spoke. "You don't love me anymore. I get that. Then I won't beg you to stay. Because I don't want you to stay. I deserve more than that."
He slid to the floor and bowed his head between his knees. He missed him already.