Chapter Text
Yuzuru didn’t know what had come over Javier, or what had come over himself even, but the last thing he expected when he got to his hotel room was to get just enough time to unpack and shower before there was a knock at his door. He expected it might be Brian, so he opened the door without looking, and was surprised to see Javier. “Oh, hi,” he said, greeting him with a big smile.
Javier grinned. “I heard you were here now,” he said, and Yuzuru stepped aside, letting him come in. “I wanted to see you.” Yuzuru was surprised by that, but welcomed it.
Javier had been distant lately, and Yuzuru had just assumed it was the Olympic nerves. They were, after all, still each other’s top competitors. He was hoping this meant that he and Javier could share a fun Olympic experiences together as the friends they were, not the competitors they were. “Did you go to Opening Ceremony?” Yuzuru asked as he sat on his bed, looking at Javier expectantly. Javier walked around and looked at the other bed, raising an eyebrow that clearly asked if he could sit there. Yuzuru patted the bed beside him. “Roommate is snowboard guy,” he said, scrunching his nose. “I do not know him so maybe he do not want person sitting.”
“Snowboard guy, huh?” Javier asked with a teasing look.
Yuzuru had a sudden thought as Javier sat beside him. “How you get inside?” he asked. “Coach can enter Japan house but how you do it?”
Javier grinned. “Japanese people love me, Yuzuru, don’t you remember?” he joked and Yuzuru giggled.
“You smile at girl, huh?” he asked, and Javier winked. Yuzuru rolled his eyes. “You crazy,” he said, smiling at Javier. “It okay, I like crazy Javi, too.”
Javier looked at Yuzuru with a confusing look that Yuzuru didn’t understand. It was almost like he was searching his face for something. Yuzuru tilted his head expectantly and Javier smiled a strange smile. “I am glad you are here. This season has felt so wrong for so many reasons,” he said, and Yuzuru nodded, thinking about their respective seasons.
Javier started strong and then got sick and didn’t even make the Grand Prix Final for the first time in years. Yuzuru, too, had gotten injured and missed the Grand Prix Final, but his season had been even worse, without a single gold medal. Javier had a few strong showings while Yuzuru was gone, but it hadn’t been his best season by any means. “Hey, I watch you win European skate,” Yuzuru said, looking at him with a warm smile. “Omedetou, Javi.”
Javier smiled. “You watched?” he asked, and Yuzuru nodded.
“I come back to Canada in time to see. Some other skaters watch at rink. You do so good,” he said brightly. “Hope you do so good here, too,” he said earnestly. He loved Javier’s skating. He always had. Nobody else looked so natural on the ice.
Javier smirked. “Better hold onto that one, Yuzu. I might beat you,” he teased and Yuzuru beamed.
“Maybe you do not,” he teased.
Javier rested his hand on Yuzuru’s thigh. “I really worried you wouldn’t make it,” he murmured, and Yuzuru knew he was looking at his ankle. “I don’t know if I could do my best here without skating against you once again.”
Yuzuru hummed, smiling faintly. “I must have hope I skate enough good,” he confessed. “Brian tell me not to say, but I am not full okay. It healing, but hurt some still.” He snorted. “I should not say to you. Now you know you can beat me,” he murmured.
Javier just chuckled. “I always think I can beat you if I try hard enough. This won’t help me. I’ve seen the results of you skating on a broken foot. A little pain never stops you,” he teased. After a moment, his hand moved and Yuzuru blushed slightly when it slid further up his thigh. Yuzuru was only wearing shorts after his shower, so Javier’s fingers on his skin was very obvious. “I hate to see you hurting, though.”
Yuzuru looked at Javier, his cheeks growing warm as Javier looked into his eyes. “Javi, hands,” he murmured, and instead of pull his hand away, Javier slid his fingertips up Yuzuru’s shorts slightly. Yuzuru’s eyes widened and he swallowed hard, willing his body not to react. “J-Javi?”
Javier looked at him closely, eyes locked with Yuzuru’s. “Do you want me to stop?” he asked, and Yuzuru failed to fight back a shiver at his tone of voice. Yuzuru wasn’t sure about some things, but there was no doubting what Javier was offering. “I want to while we still can.”
“W-why now?” Yuzuru whispered, trying to understand.
Because this wasn’t new. They had never crossed the line, but Yuzuru wasn’t blind. He and Javier had always had something between them. They were too close. Too affectionate. Their relationship was more a matter of words not said and looks never spoken about. Yuzuru knew Brian saw it, because he had subtly navigated keeping them far enough apart when things took obvious turns to let them make a mistake. When they got too close to acting on the thing between them, they got tense, and their friendship suffered from it. Yuzuru knew that on Javier’s side, part of it was a lack of desire to give in to the fact he wanted a man. He had never talked about it, but the way he handled certain situations made it clear Javier didn’t want to think about being interested in a man even if he had no issues with other men being together. Yuzuru didn’t want these feelings at all, for anyone. He thought desire and the emotions that he didn’t want to put words to in fear it would make them real were things that would hurt his drive and his motivation.
“You know,” Javier whispered, and Yuzuru did know.
This was the Olympics. Everybody knew that the Olympics were a free pass to live a little. Nobody stuck to their diet at the Olympics. Everybody (that wasn’t allergic like Yuzuru) drank way too much after their competition and training days were over. Nobody cared who slept with who, because so few of them had time for social lives to have sex with anyone normally. Though it was the pinnacle of competitive lives, it was also the first vacation most of them had time for in months or even years. Self-discipline for competition was at its highest at the Olympics, but self-discipline for personal desires was at its lowest.
Javier came to him tonight because after a long, hard season, their coach was busy, Yuzuru’s mother wasn’t here, and nobody would care about who had disappeared into Yuzuru Hanyu’s room for the night, especially since his roommate was out.
Yuzuru had felt the tension between them growing over the months they were together before Yuzuru got hurt, and he had wondered if maybe, since Javier was single again after the summer ended, that this would be the year when Javier gave up fighting what they both knew they felt for each other. Yuzuru was fine waiting, because he knew what he felt for Javier was something real and that, one day, Javier would stop denying that he felt the same. Yuzuru had time. He had waited for Javier to give into his feelings for nearly four years, he could wait longer.
Now, however, Javier seemed to have decided that the Olympics was the time to give in to what they both felt. It seemed appropriate, Yuzuru mused as he looked into Javier’s eyes and put his hand on Javier’s where it rested on his thigh. Yuzuru lost his virginity at the Olympics in Sochi. There was a speed skater who took to talking to Yuzuru at breakfast – or trying since Yuzuru’s English had been even worse then – and before closing ceremonies, he had taken Yuzuru back to Japan House and they had spent the night together. Now, someone Yuzuru had feelings for had come to Japan House to be with him.
“Kiss me,” Yuzuru whispered, cheeks flushing with heat, and Javier smirked slightly before doing what he asked.
Kissing Javier was so different than any kiss Yuzuru had ever had. Not that he had had many. This one, however, seared. He knew it would be different to kiss Javier because of the feelings between them, but this was like lightening. He could feel Javier mumble something in surprise, his hand tightening around Yuzuru’s thigh, and he knew he felt it, too. Yuzuru whimpered as Javier pulled him closer, and Yuzuru only had a split second of thought that allowed him to pull away with a gasp. “I must put sign on door,” he said, and Javier looked surprised, but let Yuzuru free from his hands.
Javier stayed on the bed while Yuzuru went to put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the doorknob and shut it back, locking the chain as well. When he came back, Javier raised an eyebrow. “Do you have a system for ‘having sex, come back later’?” he asked, and Yuzuru blushed.
“No, but I think it work,” he said, smiling bashfully as he headed back to the bed. When he got to the edge, Javier caught his hips and pulled him to stand between Javier’s knees. Yuzuru put his hands on Javier’s shoulders, looking down into his big, beautiful brown eyes closely. “Hi,” he whispered, and Javier grinned.
“Take off your shirt for me,” he whispered, and Yuzuru bit his lip, trying to look more innocent than he was feeling.
“Shirt?” Yuzuru asked, tugging the hem of his baggy tee-shirt up just enough to show off his lower belly. He looked down at his belly and then cheated his eyes up to Javier, who was looking right back with a smirk. Yuzuru grinned. “What you want?”
“You know what I want,” Javier murmured, sliding his thumbs across the skin of Yuzuru’s exposed hips. Yuzuru tugged his shirt up so slowly, getting it to his ribs before Javier slid his hands up his sides and took over, pulling the shirt up and over Yuzuru’s head. Javier looked at him and leaned in, pressing kisses to his abs. Yuzuru sighed, letting his head drop back and his eyes shut as he slid a hand into Javier’s curls. He loved Javier’s hair.
Javier kissed up his chest and tugged gently, urging Yuzuru to crawl onto his lap. He fell back onto the bed, tugging Yuzuru down with him, and Yuzuru kissed him, knees on either side of Javier as he kissed him eagerly. Javier’s hands went to his ass, grinding up against Yuzuru, who moaned softly. Javier’s fingers on his skin was like fire that burned in the best way, but the feeling of Javier’s hardening bulge pressing against his, especially in his thin shorts, was a blaze that sent shivers up his spine.
As their kissing and grinding grew more heated, Yuzuru pulled at Javier’s jacket in frustration, and Javier flipped them over, earning a squeak and then peals of laughter as he tossed Yuzuru onto the bed beneath him. He knelt between his knees, grinning as he took off his jacket and then pulled his shirt up, showing off all those delicious muscles. Yuzuru sighed, reaching out to trace a hand down Javier’s chest to his abs. “So much muscles,” Yuzuru moaned. Javier’s jacket slid off the bed and hit the floor with a thump, which probably shouldn’t happen when he could see the outline of Javier’s phone in his back pocket when he came in. “What make sounds?” he asked, looking over.
Javier was the one to look a little shy now. “I wanted to be prepared, just in case,” he said, and Yuzuru tilted his head questioningly. Javier leaned over and picked up his jacket, unzipping the pocket to pull something out. “I didn’t know, but I thought maybe it was better to have it in case,” he said, and Yuzuru took the bottle of lube from Javier, laughing at his bashful grin.
“You very sure I want,” he said, then sat the bottle aside. He tugged him down by the waist of his jeans, kissing Javier when he landed on top of him. “Maybe not, because I must do practice tomorrow,” he said with an apologetic tone, wrapping his legs around Javier. He didn’t feel too bad about missing out on that experience, because he knew they could do that some other time. He did it to himself often enough he could only imagine how good it would be to have Javi’s cock inside of him. He shivered at the thought, and tightened his hold around Javier with his legs, grinding their lengths together. “Want touching,” he murmured, and Javier nodded, reaching down to pull at Yuzuru’s shorts. Yuzuru lifted his hips and then, once they were down over his ass, he lifted his legs and let Javier pull them off.
Javier groaned, looking at Yuzuru’s long legs in front of him. “Fuck,” he said, lowering Yuzuru’s thighs down until they were spread on either side of him. “Your legs,” he moaned, sliding his hands down the insides of Yuzuru’s thighs. Yuzuru shivered, moaning at the feeling of big, warm hands on his sensitive skin.
“Jabi,” he mumbled, sliding his hands over his own middle, fighting the urge to touch himself, afraid it might end too soon if he got too excited. Javier, however, didn’t seem to care, because Yuzuru’s eyes had barely fallen shut when suddenly Javier shifted and Yuzuru felt lips on his throat and a hand curling around his length. “Ah!” he gasped, whining. “Oh, Javi,” he sighed, sliding a hand into his hair.
Javier slowly kissed Yuzuru’s skin, drawing pleasure from his every touch. “I won’t leave marks,” he promised, and Yuzuru nodded, whining when Javier bit gently at his throat, just enough to feel the pleasure without risk of leaving any marks. Yuzuru arched, gasping and moaning, especially when Javier slid his body down until his hips were pressed against Yuzuru’s, grinding his length against Yuzuru’s. He moaned against Yuzuru’s throat when Yuzuru’s legs came up to wrap around him again. “You and your legs,” he chuckled, and Yuzuru tugged Javier’s lips to his, kissing him hard. He reached over, scrambling for the lube, grabbing it before pushing Javi back some.
“Like this, I want this,” he said, then pushed Javier out of the way some so he could wrap a lubed hand around them both so the slide of their cocks grinding together would be smoother. Javier nodded, and in minutes they were thrusting against each other, both panting and moaning as their bodies moved together sloppily.
Doing it like this felt more like a tease, which Yuzuru liked. Neither of them were going to finish too quickly, because every thrust in just the right pressure changed when one of them moved and the pleasure was harder to chase. Javier’s kisses, however, gave him no respite. He had never been kissed so deeply and for so long. His lips hurt in the best way, making them puffy and ultra-sensitive. He loved it. Javier couldn’t keep his hands still, either. He had almost all of his weight rested on Yuzuru, knowing Yuzuru was sturdy enough to handle it, so his hands were free to grab his hips, his ass, his thighs, his chest, and even stray into his hair.
What he liked best though, was when Javier caught his hand and twisted their fingers together, tugging his wrist up to trail kisses along his arm and wrist. Yuzuru felt worshipped. He felt like Javier’s feelings were overflowing and he couldn’t help but kiss every inch of Yuzuru’s body he was able to. When Javier looked into his eyes, Yuzuru wanted to cry. Javier looked at him like this moment was all he ever wanted, and Yuzuru was the one thing he needed more than anything. He looked somewhere between scared and sad and elated and so, so desperate for Yuzuru. Yuzuru felt beautiful and powerful and like all he needed was for Javier to never stop wanting him the way he wanted him right now.
Yuzuru was gasping and whining with every thrust as he grew closer, his nails digging into Javier’s shoulder and his other hand tangled in Javier’s hair, meeting his every thrust with the hold he had around Javier’s hips. “Javi, Javi, Javi,” he gasped, looking into his eyes. He couldn’t manage anything else coherent in English, so he just gave up on speaking.
Javier, however, didn’t seem to care, because the words he said in Spanish sounded desperate and Yuzuru saw a tear streak Javier’s cheek his passion reached such levels. “No quiero dejarte,” he gasped, grabbing Yuzuru’s neck and jaw to hold him so he could look into his eyes as he spoke. “No podría irme sin darte esta noche. Los dos hemos querido esto por tanto tiempo. No podría despedirme sin saberlo. Y ahora lo sé. Sé que irse romperá mi corazón.
Even if he had no idea what he said, Yuzuru could see the feeling in Javier’s eyes that he knew was in his own heart, the one that had been there since forever, before the attraction had been, the feeling that had changed over time into something deeper until it was in his soul. He put his hand on Javier’s face, gasping as he looked into his eyes. “Jabi,” he moaned, his body growing closer and closer to the edge. “Unnnng,” he grunted. “I- I-“
“Are you going to come?” Javier moaned, looking into his eyes. “Come for me, come on,” he panted, and Yuzuru couldn’t disappoint, so he let go, crying out as he tipped over the edge, thrashing in Javier’s hold, whining desperately as he spilled between them, adding to the sweat-sticky mess all over their bodies. He whimpered as he came down and Javi kept moving against his sensitive body. He bit his lip, digging his fingertips into Javi’s shoulder until Javier groaned and came, startling a cry out of Yuzuru as he bit at his shoulder during orgasm.
They lay together, panting and spent, and Yuzuru shivered, holding Javier close. Javier kissed his shoulder apologetically, murmuring soft words that made Yuzuru giggle. “I am thinking it is good thing my costumes all cover shoulders,” he said, and Javier laughed tiredly against his skin.
“I’m sorry,” he said, pushing himself up. “I promised no marks and look what I did?”
Yuzuru stroked his hair back and smiled sweetly. “It is okay. I do not go without shirt.” He wiped at Javier’s cheeks, still damp from sweat and the stray tear or two that spilled during such passionate lovemaking. “It is funny,” he murmured. “I do sex two times, and both time at Olympics.”
Javier frowned, rolling to the side, taking Yuzuru with him, pulling him onto his chest. “You had sex with someone else already? You literally just got here,” he said, looking strange, and Yuzuru laughed.
“No, oh my God.” He rolled his eyes. “Silly Javi,” he said, rubbing at his chest. “I only do sex one time before this,” he said, and Javier looked surprised.
“Really?”
Yuzuru blushed but shrugged. “I train a lot. I not have time for finding sex. I just- I am always training or with mother or doing things.”
Javier grinned. “Yuzuru, are you saying you had sex in Sochi?”
Yuzuru giggled and nodded. “Yes. With Sweden speed skater,” he said, blushing. “He nice and talk to me when I see at café each morning. He congratulate me on medal and walk back to Japan House with me, so I ask him inside and we do sex.”
Javier made a face. “Ew, speed skaters are usually older than us. You were barely nineteen,” he said, and Yuzuru giggle and shrug.
“I was sex age and he was nice man,” he said dismissively.
Javier smirked. “So, if you only had two lovers, who was better?” he teased.
Yuzuru rolled his eyes blushing. “You know it is you. You know me more than I know me. Also, he fuck me, and I never do it before that, so it hurt,” he said, grimacing at the memory. “So happy I learn better how to relax and have more lube.”
Javier brushed a finger over his cheekbone. “You talking about fucking yourself is too much for my old heart to take,” he warned him and Yuzuru just smiled smugly and leaned in to peck his lips.
“Poor Javi Ojiisan,” he said, then crawled out of bed. “I must shower again, look what you do,” he said with a mocking pout, gesturing to the mess all over his stomach and thighs.
Javier smirked, propping on an elbow to look at him. “You’re welcome.”
Yuzuru nodded to the bathroom. “Want come with me? Save time?”
Javier nodded and came off the bed, walking over to him to take his hand and kiss him as they went to shower. Yuzuru sighed as Javier pulled him back against his chest, holding him close while he took over washing them both. He smiled up at Javier, whose eyes had a strange longing in them. Yuzuru couldn’t imagine what that was about, since they had finally made a move and had sex. He had finally taken the step and given them both want they wanted. He should be beyond happy that they were together, here at the Olympics, and they both had a good shot at bringing home Olympic medals back to Toronto.
Yuzuru turned in his arms and kissed Javier slowly, deciding he had to be worried about what happened in Sochi happening again, with Javi finishing right off the podium. He was sure that it wouldn’t happen again. Javi was in great shape and his programs this year were incredible. He knew they would stand on the podium together this time, bringing things back to how they should be: Him and Javi together on a podium in front of the whole world.
~
Brian was more than pleased to see him and Javi in one and two after the short program, and Yuzuru was delighted to see that Javier wasn’t letting the change in their relationship distract him. They acted normally, though Javier’s gaze lingered on him occasionally. It only made him happier to know that, when they had medals around their necks, the mess of press would end in him finding Javi and kissing him. He was entirely confident they would both have medals. He could feel it in his heart.
~
When Javier joined him in the top three area after the free, he was ecstatic. The lowest Javier could finish was bronze. No matter what, they would be on the podium together. Even if Shoma beat both of them, they would still be up there, on the Olympic podium, together. He couldn’t figure out why Javier seemed so torn. He should have been delighted, not strangely somber.
When they realized they had won gold and bronze, he threw his arm around Javi, hugging him close. “We did it,” he said, leaning back, arms resting on Javier’s shoulders. “We really did it, Javi.”
Javier smiled with a sadness in his eyes Yuzuru couldn’t understand and nodded. “I know, we really did.”
Later, when they were waiting with Shoma to take the ice, he was too emotional to handle it when Javier told them that this was his last Olympics. Yuzuru knew that, logically, that made sense. Javier was twenty-six. Not many thirty-year old figure skaters went to the Olympics. Still, the thought of an Olympics without him at his side was too much to handle while so emotional, and he found himself sobbing out, “No, I can’t do it without you,” as he hugged Shoma and Javi close.
“Later, I will talk with you,” Javier whispered. “As soon as we get some time, I’ll come visit your room,” he said, looking at Yuzuru with a sad longing, and Yuzuru’s heart lurched, too, with desire to be in Javier’s arms, holding each other now that the weight was off their shoulders and they could really focus on each other.
~
Brian wanted to talk to him about his plans, for when he was coming back to Canada to train in case he did choose to do Worlds, so he accompanied Yuzuru to the training rink for gala practice. Yuzuru was excited to just have fun now. He had meant to talk to Javi, but they were so busy.
“I will see how ankle feels,” Yuzuru decided, looking at Brian. “But I want that I do Worlds. I still have one good competition all season, it just the one that matter. I want to try and have more good competition.” He looked around the rink, seeing who all was there. “Javi is late?” he asked in confusion.
Brian hesitated, looking at him. “Nobody mentioned? Javi already flew back to Spain. He’s doing press there before coming back for the Gala,” he said, and Yuzuru pouted but nodded.
“That make sense.” He beamed. “I am happy he win medal finally. He deserve it always.”
Brian chuckled fondly and nodded. “Yeah, he sure did.” He sighed, looking at Yuzuru with a lingering sadness. “It’ll be sad, you know? Not seeing you two goofing off on the ice together. I’ve spent six years trying to separate your training times to stop you from growing to resent each other, and I think looking back, I never really needed to, did I? You always respected him as an equal and he never felt like you were some unbeatable opponent, just a friendly rival.” He patted Yuzuru’s shoulder. “I just hope the rink is still filled with your ridiculous laughter even without Javi around to goof off for you.”
Yuzuru frowned as Brian waved and left. Yuzuru stared at his retreating back for a long time trying to figure out what the heck Brian was talking about.
~
Yuzuru loved gala practice, because he could just be himself and have fun with his other skating friends. His fun was cut short a day before Javier was supposed to be back for the gala when he read an article online that mentioned Javier moving back to Spain for good and selling his Toronto apartment altogether, he started to examine every single interaction he and Javier had had in the past few days, including the true meaning of, “This is my last Olympics,” and it slowly sunk in that what Brian said was not just a case of confusing English.
Javier was going to retire and just hadn’t wanted to announce it yet.
~
When Javier returned just in time for the last day of gala practice, Yuzuru could barely look at him without his heart breaking, but he knew that if this was the last time he got to goof off in practice with Javier Fernandez, he wasn’t going to waste a moment of it upset or angry.
Yuzuru had loved Javier for so long that, even if they had made love, he was used to thinking of Javier as his best friend, and as a man in love, he was shattered, but as a best friend, he just wanted to savor every moment he had left with him.
He was pretty sure as he performed his Notte Stellata with more feeling than he ever had before that night. When Yuzuru first discovered that song he read the lyrics translated and they were so beautiful. He skated it with the thoughts of Swan Lake but with a happy ending swimming in his head, one where the swan princess was saved by the prince and they lived happy enough to dance away to the sounds of this song towards their eternal love.
Now, as he skated it, his heart broke for an ending to his own love that was so far from what he thought it would be. Tonight was the first performance after he became a two-time Olympic gold medalist, and it was also the last performance he would skate with Javier just when he thought he was going to finally have Javier’s love after waiting for so long. He waited so long trusting that love would win in the end, that Javi would take him into his arms and hold him forever. He had trusted that love for so long. So many years spent waiting for the time Javier was ready to be with him, and now he had nothing to show for it except one night together and a broken heart.
Yuzuru should have been happier than ever after winning a second Olympic gold medal. Instead, he had never been more utterly heartbroken than he was now. Javier was leaving. He was never going to be the same close friend Yuzuru had relied on, nonetheless the love of Yuzuru’s life.
~
Javier knew without having to ask that, somehow, Yuzuru had read the news and knew he was retiring. He had wanted to talk about it with him before he let anybody know, but the chance never came before he had to go home to do press, and when he got back, it was already clear he had heard. Either way, he took the last chance he would get – the night the gala ended – and went to Japan House to visit Yuzuru.
He saw Shoma drinking with three skiers as he went through the common area and realized he probably should have retired already if the tiny child he knew for so many years now was old enough to party it up in the open like that.
He had hung on so long for Yuzuru, he knew that now. He was grateful he did, because he got his medal after all, but after missing the podium at worlds last year, he had seriously given thought to the idea of quitting then and there. However, he had given it one more shot because he needed to see another podium beside Yuzuru. Not making it to the final in December had crushed his spirit almost as much as it had Yuzuru’s, so the Olympics had been his last shot to stand in the spotlight beside Yuzuru again.
Javier also was glad that he had taken the chance that the Olympics presented and spent that night with Yuzuru. He had wanted to tell him goodbye in a way that would be remembered and that had been the most memorable goodbye in his life. He would never forget Yuzuru’s smile as they fell asleep tangled together. He would never forget standing on the podium with Yuzuru and Shoma. He could never forget this last competition or the dozens of other ones he shared with Yuzuru.
And now, he was ready to really say goodbye.
(Not ready, never truly ready, but more prepared.)
By the time Yuzuru got back to Canada – even if he did come back for Worlds – Javier would be gone. He was going back to pack his things and sell his apartment and then he was going home. He might come back later when Brian had a little reception to hang their names up on the wall of the Cricket Club rink, but that would be it for him. So many years of his life had been spent in Toronto, and now he would be going home. Part of him was excited for that, even if it was terrifying to think of a future without a defined path.
He had thought about not sullying this Olympic memory with an emotional goodbye with Yuzuru, but he knew Yuzuru wasn’t going to attend closing ceremonies and he would regret it forever if he didn’t give him a face-to-face chance to say goodbye properly.
When Javier got to Yuzuru’s room, Yuzuru opened the door with a look on his face that said he knew who was going to be at the door before he opened it. “Hi,” Javier greeted, and Yuzuru wordlessly stood aside to let him come in.
“I am just being packing,” Yuzuru said, going back to toss something else into a suitcase.
“Always last minute, Yuzuru,” he teased. He walked closer, and shuffled awkwardly. Yuzuru sighed and turned around, looking at him with the look of someone steeling themselves for a cancer diagnosis, not a goodbye.
“Just say what I know you are coming to say,” Yuzuru said in a tight voice. “I read on internet already. I know, Javi,” he all but whispered, looking into Javier’s eyes even with the space between them.
Javier swallowed and nodded, looking down a moment before raising his eyes again. “I am not going to Worlds. I- I’m leaving Toronto. I’m moving back to Spain and- and I won’t be skating anymore.” It hurt so much to say it still, even if he had made his choice. “I am retiring. This was my last competition ever.”
Yuzuru wrapped his arms around himself and took a deep breath, almost as if he hadn’t been ready no matter how hard he seemed prepared. “Same word. Always so stupid,” Yuzuru said, looking bitterly at the suitcase on his bed. “Retire always mean losing friends,” he said softly. “We all must, but it never is not stupid word.” He swallowed visibly. “I was not understanding before. I am thinking- I am thinking this is about Olympics giving freedom.” He looked at Javier with almost an accusing look. “You really think sleep with me is good idea for this Olympics?” He looked almost disappointed and Javier felt confused.
“I had to know what it was like,” Javier said softly. “This was my last chance to do something about what’s always been there, what was always under the surface. You and I have always been so close to something even if we knew it would never happen between us.”
Yuzuru snorted, surprising him. “I am not knowing this. I am so far from this thinking,” he said, rubbing at his forehead as he turned and faced away from Javier. “I am not knowing word in English for how not true that is, Javier,” he said, saying his whole name in frustration. “I wish I could hate you,” he said, almost out of nowhere and Javier felt like he had been slapped.
“What? Hate me?” he asked, stepping closer. He grabbed Yuzuru’s arm. “Hey, Yuzu, what are you talking about?” He tugged gently and Yuzuru turned around with a look on his face that dumped ice into Javier’s veins.
Yuzuru looked at Javier with so much heartbreak in those innocent eyes that Javier wanted to die. “I wait years for you,” he said in a tremulous voice. “I see Javi scared of feelings for me, feelings for boy, and I think it is okay, because I can wait. One day-“ He hiccuped slightly. “One day Javi will be ready to love me how I love him.” His voice squeaked on the end of his sentence with visibly restrained tears. “I am having patience because I know one day Javi will pick me and I will have him after the girlfriends all are over with. Because he love me, not them.” Yuzuru looked betrayed as he met his eyes again. “Now you are leaving?”
Javier’s throat constricted with guilt and agony. “Yuzuru, I-“
“Why you come to me if you are not wanting me?” Yuzuru demanded tearfully, the dam finally breaking. “You come to me and we have sex. You- you make me think, ‘Finally! Javi is ready and now everything is how it is meaning to be.” He shook his head. “Why would you do this if you are leaving?”
Javier chuckled weakly, his voice brittle as he looked at Yuzuru with a pained shrug. “It was my only chance to ever have a night with you. I- I was saying goodbye the only way you deserved.”
Yuzuru whimpered, lip trembling, and Javier took a rasped breath as he watched tears slip down Yuzuru’s cheeks. “I think it is hello to us.” He looked around, hands moving helplessly at his side. “Night you come here, night we-“ His voice broke and he shook, his head, crushing his eyes shut as if the thought alone caused him pain. “I think Olympics give courage and freedom, I think- I think you decide now is time. Put everything there. Leave nothing back. Same on ice as on love.” He let out an actual sob and Javier wanted to die. His little shoulders shook and he looked up with tears streaking his cheeks and a betrayed look in his eyes. “I wait five years. And this is all?” he choked out. “All I have for five years is- is this? Sex as goodbye? It becomes comfort to me, knowing that- that no matter how bad it is, one day in future I will have you!” he cried softly. “Ruined ankle, but I still will have Javi one day. Broken foot, but some day Javi will feel happy to love me.” He shook his head, looking at Javier. “And now you leave. You leave and- and five years is nothing. I have no patient for anything but you and now it is worth nothing.”
Javier’s legs gave out and he slumped onto the other bed. He closed his eyes and let his head drop forward in shame. And guilt. He had no idea. He never knew Yuzuru felt such things. He knew the thing between them was something, something real most likely, but he never thought for a second that it was Yuzuru waiting for him to get his head out of his ass and accept he loved another man. And Yuzuru wasn’t wrong. Javier had struggled with that. As accepting and open-minded as he was with all his gay friends, it had still been hard to admit he wanted a man when he had always been happy with women. Yuzuru was so special and Javier hadn’t been able to admit to himself that he held him above others so much because it wasn’t just a friendly love.
Now he had broken the heart of the greatest man he had ever known.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t know. I- I’m so sorry for hurting you.”
Yuzuru sighed and tutted. “I know that you are,” he said and Javier looked up. Yuzuru looked so broken and tired, but not angry in the least. “Javi never hurts me on purpose,” Yuzuru said with a sad smile and shrug. “You are everything to me. Does not mean you owe that I am everything to you.”
Javier smiled sadly, his eyes burning as he, too, teared up some upon standing. He stood straight, without swaying, and looked at Yuzuru with more strength this time. “But you are, Yuzuru. You always were.” Yuzuru walked over to his suitcase and took something out. When he turned back around, he walked over to Javier and opened the case in his hands. Javier frowned in confusion as he took his medal out of its case. “What are you doing?”
Yuzuru held it in his hand, stroking his thumb across the surface of the medal, before holding it up by the ribbon and – much to Javier’s shock – putting it over his head, lowering it until the medal rested on Javier’s chest. “You keep,” he said, rubbing the medal as it rested on Javier’s chest.
“What?” Javier asked in utter shock. “I- I’m not keeping your medal, that’s ridiculous-“ Yuzuru shut him up with a finger over his lips.
He looked up into Javier’s eyes and Javier saw more maturity and adultness in the same eyes he’d seen full of petulant childish tantrum-throwing more times than he could count over the years. He smiled and shook his head slightly. “Everything I have, I owe to Javier Fernandez.” Javier watched a tear streak down Yuzuru’s cheek and his own hand wandered up to brush it away. Yuzuru sucked in a shaky breath and leaned into the touch for a moment before straightening. “I have two. You must share.” He stood up on his tiptoes and brushed a kiss against the corner of Javier’s lips, setting his blood rushing again. “Goodbye, Javi. Thank you.”
When he stepped away, Javier’s heart lurched in his chest when Yuzuru bowed nearly ninety degrees and said, in a firmer and more together tone, “Arigatou gozaimasu.”
Javier didn’t get to say another word, because Yuzuru made it clear he was done speaking when he stayed in his bow. Javier lingered for just a moment longer at the door to glance back at him one last time before he finally left the room.
Yuzuru’s gold medal was still firmly resting against his chest.