Chapter Text
Isak’s left shoulder is aching. His wrist is completely numb from holding a metal hook down a gaping wound just below the right side of some middle aged man’s rib cage. He can’t even see anything down inside the wound, not even if he lifts himself up on his tiptoes, since the resident surgeon to his left successfully (and perhaps intentionally) is blocking his view while working her way around the patient’s gallbladder.
Across from Isak stands the consultant surgeon, focused on studying the resident’s handiwork, and to her right, effortlessly holding another hook down the wound, without looking the least tired from it, is Even. Even, with his impossibly long legs, barely has to lean forward as the consultant surgeon points down the wound with her forceps and asks:
”So, interns… what blood vessel is this?”
Even’s eyebrows furrow slightly, and Isak sees his chance. He doesn’t know. If only Isak could see what structure the consultant is pointing at. As he leans forward a little more while bending his neck to the right, he catches a glimpse of the only sliver of Even’s face that is visible between his surgical cap and the green surgical mask.
He can swear that he can almost see his brain working behind those pale blue eyes. Isak bends his back just a little more to be able to see, and accidentally bumps his left shoulder into the resident surgeon’s right arm, making her jump and shout at him to be more careful. Even just shrugs.
”The common hepatic artery?”
”Very good”, the consultant surgeon replies, expression serious but almost smiling. She turns her attention to Isak, and there’s not even a shadow of a smile left on her face.
”Isak, we can ask the assistant nurse to fetch you a stool if you’d like. It’s better for you and everyone else if Anita can operate without disturbances.” Her piercing stare does not match her silky tone of voice.
”I’m fine. Thank you.”
”If you say so.” She looks away, giving off the air of someone who really couldn’t care less. ”Now, Even, as you can see, the common bile duct is now laid bare and ready to be cut. Would you like to do it?”
”May I? Of course I want to!” The giddiness in Even’s voice is unmistakable.
Isak narrows his eyes and resists the temptation to stick his tongue out at Even under the surgical mask. Even if no one can see it, it would actually be childish, and Isak is far from childish. He might even be the most serious intern to start this semester among his group of eight, sure of this future ever since his first placement in the surgical department. The competitive atmosphere, the seriousness, the sense of accomplishment after a successful surgical procedure – it is him. And nobody is supposed to come in between him and his goal. Especially not ridiculous, charming guys whose main advantage is the length of their legs.
The thing is, he’s not even sure that Even wants this. He’s just so effortlessly good at anything he tries and well-liked everywhere he sets foot. Even would probably be welcomed back in all of the departments at the hospital through which they’ve rotated by now.
And it’s always the same story. Even likes it so much everywhere that he can’t seem to decide which path to choose just yet. Unlike himself. Isak just can’t deal with all the overbearing, nervous parents in the pediatric ward, or the old people slowly and incoherently retelling their medical history (starting somewhere around 1970, mostly) in the geriatric department. Not to mention the emotionally unstable teenage girls or the godforsaken lethargic depressive patients of the psychiatric ward. (There’s other reasons that Isak stays clear of the psychiatric department, but he’s not gonna go there).
Isak knows what he’s meant to do, and he’s good at it.
That is, if he’ll ever get a goddamn chance.
He grits his teeth. The consultant surgeon doesn’t even spare him a glance at this stage. He might as well just throw his hook down on the patient’s stomach and get out of here.
But that is, of course, not an option. Getting a foothold at the surgical department at Ullevål university hospital of Oslo does not entail going home just because you feel like it. And certainly not before five o’clock. No, Isak has been staying late almost every night for the last four months, ever since he started his rotation here.
And has it helped? He likes to think so. Sometimes, the resident surgeons invite him to have lunch with them. Once, he had coffee in the break room with one of the other consultant surgeons who remembered his name and asked him about his plans for the future. (Not this one. That ship seems to have sailed).
And Even? He shows up on time, mostly, that’s true, but around four o’clock he whiskers out, on his way to art showings, band practice, poetry readings, whatever. And his girlfriend, of course. His other interests that surely will prevent him from a successful career, at least in one of the high-profile departments.
Unlike Isak, who does not have the time for luxuries – or nuisances – like that. Those kind of distractions cloud your judgment, obviously.
”Well done!” The consultant surgeon’s voice interrupts Isak’s musings, but it’s clearly not directed at him, but at an ever smiling Even, holding the now removed gallbladder in his hand.
”Twenty minutes to go, I believe”, she adds, addressing the anesthesiologist sitting by the patient’s head. She then turns to the resident surgeon. ”You’ll close the wound, Anita? I have a research meeting to attend.”
After watching the resident giving Even directions as how to make the most intricate intracutaneous sutures, Isak can finally remove his suffocating gown and head for the dressing room at the end of the corridor. He does not look back as he lets go of the door to the operating room, letting it slam shut.
In the confines of the men’s dressing room, Isak removes his keys, his ID card and phone from the pockets of his green scrubs, placing them on the wooden bench between the rows of orange metal lockers. He sighs, pulling the green shirt over his head, and turns to throw it in the laundry bin. Just as he reaches the bin, however, he’s startled by a breathy laugh from just behind his right shoulder.
”What a blast, huh?”
Even. How did he ever get in here without Isak noticing? Who even says blast anyway, in that totally unironical way? And why isn’t he wearing a shirt?
Right. Dressing room. Isak exhales.
”I guess. Whatever.”
”You guess? That was pretty awesome. Everyone says Brandt is really scary, but that was so cool of her, right?” Even raises both eyebrows expectantly.
”Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”
”Whatever”, Even repeats. ”Yeah, I guess.”
Even turns around to get dressed, slightly slumping his shoulders and looking a little tired somehow. Good. Go home and sleep a few days off again. Maybe Isak will finally get somewhere in this place if he isn’t hindered by those long legs and broad shoulders with their brown freckles and wait. What is this.
He averts his eyes and very deliberately turns to throw his scrubs in the bin.
”See you around, Isak.” Even’s voice is indifferent behind him.
When he returns to open his locker, he sees Even’s legs round the corner, and hears the door slam shut.
Isak drags his legs up the staircase, trying to dig out his flat keys from the bottom of the backpack while climbing up to the third floor. Unsuccessful, he realises that he must have forgotten his keys this morning. Again. He sighs in defeat and knocks on his flat door. Unsurprisingly, nobody comes to open. He knocks again, more loudly this time, and can hear some faraway shuffling and huffing somewhere inside.
The door slowly opens, and a confused-looking Magnus appears, with sleep-tousled hair and a wrinkled t-shirt, duvet assembled around his hips and legs.
”What? Why…?” He spots Isak, and understanding dawns on his face and a sly smile spreads across his face. ”Again, huh?”
”I had to skip a lecture to come home and let you in only last week!” Isak retorts surly.
He shuffles past Magnus, not particularly careful not to bump into him on the way in.
”Bad day?”
Isak doesn’t deserve him. Or Jonas, for that matter. He slumps his shoulders.
”Just… you know. Frustrating, that’s all.”
”What is?”
”That they always let too many people in at the same time. They could have hired, say, four interns instead of eight and then it wouldn’t have been so fucking crowded all the time, when I finally get the chance to make a good impression and then everything just goes to shit!”
Anger flares up inside him, and he doesn’t mean to, but as he raises his voice he sees Magnus back away a little. ”I’m sorry, Mags. Just – bad day. Yeah.”
”It’s okay, Isak. You know, I just had a night shift, and of course, being a nurse in the ER isn’t all fancy like a surgeon’s heroic work, but I think I get it, okay? It’s stressful, sometimes. I know.”
Isak suddenly feels exhausted. No. Magnus doesn’t know. And whatever Isak says right now, he’s gonna turn down his friend’s attempt at compassion and appear like an asshole.
”Okay. Yeah. I’m gonna go to my room now. Study.”
”Yeah. You do that. I’ll try to… wake up now or something.”
Magnus shuffles off to the living room to turn on the tv and throw himself onto the couch.
”Hey, by the way. We’re meeting Vilde and Eva and the girls later for beer. At seven or so. Wanna join?”
”Nah. Gotta study. You know. Exam next Friday, and all.”
”Sure.” Magnus looks at him just a fraction of a second too long, and turns to the tv. ”Just let me know if by any chance you should change your mind. There’ll be other girls, too, you know.” He winks, not at all subtly.
”Yeah.”
Isak drags himself into his room, barely mustering up the energy to shut the door behind him before he falls down on his bed, proceeding to stare at the ceiling. They both know he’s going to spend the rest of the night holed up in here – no use to pretend that he even considers going out.
He sighs.
Weirdly enough, this wasn’t the situation just a year ago. When he was still in his last year in uni, planning ahead seemed so much more like a… fun game? Isak knows better now, though. Hard work, diligence, and dedication has taken him here.
Sometimes, though, after days like today, even if he is only four months into his internship, a tiny part of him wonders if it’s worth it. Not that he would voice such a thing out loud. He’s invested far too much in this, and what would everybody think if he all of a sudden isn’t grateful for what he’s achieved?
It’s just that it should feel… more? More satisfying? More… meaningful?
It’s probably just now that he’s realised that the actual hardships only have begun. No one would probably guess it, but Isak hates fighting others to get what he wants. He wishes he could stay out of their hair, really – not to mention if they could stay out of his. He’s not ashamed of being a loner, but he’d preferably be one in peace.
And his friends… well, he doesn’t expect them to get it. They didn’t in the first place – Magnus is a nurse , for Christ’s sake, it’s not like career moves is something that speaks profoundly to him. And Jonas, well, he’ll forever be content with his middle-school teaching job – so how would they be able to follow him all the way round to this?
He sighs again. Picks up his phone and starts scrolling mindlessly through his Instagram. Perhaps he should delete it. It’s more time-consuming than a welcome distraction these days, anyway.
A notification drops down from the top of his screen.
THE INTERNZ YAYYY
Emma Larzen
17.42
Sooo there’s a pub next Friday in the staff restaurant
Right after our exam is finished!
We should all go!!!
Oh god. If only it wouldn’t be considered a total dick move that could perhaps in the future difficult his career, he would quit the group chat this second. But, of course, the most positive, happy, irritating fucking colleague of them all started it less than one hour after their first start-up day together in September and there was no way to decline politely. The name of the chat would be enough, and totally valid reason, really.
Another notification drops. This time, it’s a private message.
Emma Larzen
17.44
Sooooo Iiiiisak, did you see what I just sent to the gc?
Bleurgh. He’s not getting out of this. Maybe if he doesn’t answer, she’ll let it slide.
17.44
Iiiiisak! You HAVE to come! Think of all the important surgeons who will be there…! ;) ;)
Well. She’s got a point.
17.45
And I will, too! :D ;D
Oh god.
It’s not that he doesn’t like girls, precisely. He just doesn’t have time for them. Never had. Not in high school, when all the crap with his family went down, not in university – then he could at least tolerate his fellow students, because you didn’t have to fight them over who would get to cut a common bile duct – and here it goes again. His heart starts beating faster at the thought of what happened earlier and totally unbidden, Even’s enthusiastic smile appears in front of his eyelids. Whatever. He shakes the memory off.
His phone pings again.
Eva
17.51
You coming tonight? Miss you <3
This is perhaps the only girl he’ll have time for. Or, make time for. Like Jonas, and Magnus, she’s been there long enough to know things about Isak. Things that nobody else will ever know.
Like Magnus. He is an okay flatmate and all, albeit a little too messy for Isak’s taste, and sometimes he just doesn’t shut up, and oh god, no way that he’ll come along tonight. He just can’t take another night of attempted match-making and meaningless hook-up talk. That might be fine for all the ER nurses and staff, for all of their blue light parties, but Mags just won’t get into that blonde head of his that some people have more important things to do.
Isak rubs the heels of his hands against his eyes. He’s just gonna rest for a little while.
He wakes to an insistent pounding on the door.
”Are you coming? It’s ten to seven.” Magnus’ voice sounds muffled from the other side.
Confused, Isak looks around for his phone. ”Eeh… you go ahead. I’m just gonna…”
”Were you sleeping?”
”Maybe?”
”Good. Isak, that’s… good. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell them you had to… catch up with your mom, or something.”
A sudden wave of heartfelt gratitude rushes through him.
”Wow. Thanks, Mags.”
”Sure. I’ll see you later.”
A minute later, the front door slams shut. And there’s no way that he’s going back to sleep. Well, Magnus might be right and he might need it, but he’s lost at least one hour’s worth of studying.
He picks up his phone and decides to ignore the notifications filling the screen. It’s gonna be a long night. Better get to it.
The next day, he’s ten minutes early for the morning radiology round, having gotten almost three hours’ sleep after memorizing all the abdominal aortic branches, to the point where he’d be able to recite them backwards. In his sleep, if he may. It was a good night.
”Hey.”
Even slides into the seat next to him in the otherwise empty demonstration room, grinning and offering him one of two paper cups filled with what’s supposedly coffee. (You never know. He’s heard from Noora, who’s studying law, that some people actually put sleeping pills in their fellow student’s drinks to make them miss important exams. Ripping out the most crucial pages in the library law books, and the like).
”Coffee?”
He narrows his eyes, gaze darting between the cup and Even’s innocent smile.
”I… already had coffee. At home.”
Even’s smile doesn’t falter, though.
”No worries. I’ll just drink them both myself. Although," he chuckles, leaning in a little too close for comfort to theatre whisper in Isak’s ear, ”maybe I’ll embarrass myself if I have to go out and pee during the hypophyseal resection later. What do you think?”
Isak’s stomach sinks.
”You’re planning on attending that, too?”
Fuck. He already talked to the endocrine surgeon in charge of that one, and had hopes of actually be allowed to change into a sterile gown this time, and perhaps, perhaps, be allowed to hold an instrument or even hold a suction tube or something. Bet Even just will slide in from the side and wedge his way to the table somehow.
”Yeah. It’ll be no problem, don’t you think? We can watch the endoscopy screen together, and you can answer all the hard anatomy questions this time.”
Right. There’s no way that one of them will be invited to actually take an active part in the procedure itself if they both stand there. Watching the screen together.
Changing into green scrubs together.
He has to get out of this.
”I… I’m actually gonna watch the appendectomy instead. Later.”
“The one that starts at ten? You’ll make it to both of them.”
”Yeah, but I’m gonna… study the anatomy beforehand.”
He’s seen at least twenty appendectomies by now. And hypophyseal resections perhaps takes place every four months or so. By the next one, he’ll have moved on to his (much dreaded) general medicine rotation.
Even shrugs. ”Fine with me. I’ll see you at lunch, then.”
The radiologist starts talking and room falls silent - Isak suddenly notices that all the seats have filled up with people who must have been talking among themselves. Even shifts in his seat next to him, and his eyes reflect the abdominal CT scan pictures glowing on the huge screens.
In the end, Isak doesn’t attend any operations at all that day. After the meeting is over, he spots Emma making a beeline towards him as everyone assembles at the door. He manages to squeeze past Even, double back to the right and slip out of sight into the bathroom.
After maybe ten minutes of scrolling through his phone, he decides he’s had enough stress for the day, and heads for the hospital library. He actually debates on going to the interns’ lunch room when the clock starts nearing noon, but the thought of avoiding Emma and Even simultaneously is exhausting enough to steer his steps to the vending machine in the library instead.
The sandwich and the Fanta he buys keeps him company until the somewhat stern, but polite librarian points out that it’s eight o’clock in the evening and that the library is about to close for the day. He assembles his things, and joins her out the door. Before she locks it behind them, she pushes a small wooden rack on wheels filled with paperbacks outside, with the sign ”Emergency books – borrow if you need one! No library card needed!” on the side.
It’s admirable that the rack is there for relatives and others close to critically ill patients, who maybe just need a distraction like this to make it through the night, but how can they be so sure that the books will be returned? He really doesn’t want to call it naïve, but. Still.
He makes his way to the almost deserted main entrance, a few drunks lingering outside. A gray-haired old lady in patient’s clothes, sitting in a wheelchair, smoking a cigarette, is talking to a young black-haired girl in heavy make-up who is hooked up to an iv pole on small wheels, also smoking.
The choices people make.
He sighs, thinking of his anatomy flashcards awaiting him on his bed.
Two hours later, Isak is stoned out of his mind. This maybe was not a choice he made himself, and if so, a subconscious one. But Jonas just showed up at the door and Magnus squeaked excitedly at the sight of the little bag of weed in Jonas’ hands and well, Jonas does know Isak and what he needs. Sometimes.
”I didn’t work today," he admits into thin air and giggles a little, because what will his friends say? They would never expect that.
”What? But you just got home from the hospital!” Magnus laughs. ”Did you take the day off and wander in the forest? That’s so cool, Isak, I wish I had done that. Man, imagine if you met an animal or something! Like an elk. Whoa, they’re big, you know? I’d be so scared. But then, also, like, impressed, I guess?”
Isak has nothing to say to that.
Jonas looks at him, eyes a little red and bleary but still focused sharply on Isak.
”You did? Take the day off?” Jonas looks surprised, and a little impressed.
”Nah. I studied in the library. Instead of hanging out in the operating rooms. I’m at the ER next week and I – needed to prepare.” Isak deflates. Too bad he has to disappoint them, no elk for Mags and no self-care for Jonas.
”Speaking of the ER!” Magnus sits up, far too excitedly for someone so stoned. ”Your intern colleague, what’s his name? The really tall one?”
”Eh – Even?”
”Yeah, man, you should have seen him this Saturday at the ER. This bitchy patient that always shows up and begs us for morphine – he just talked her into going home in like two minutes. It was awesome!”
Jonas sighs loudly. ”First of all, don’t call people bitchy, Mags. And aren’t you all, like, forbidden to talk about patients to outsiders?”
”Yeah, I mean, technically… but, come on, man, it’s the only outlet we have! Right, Isak?”
”What?” Isak stopped listening at the words Saturday and Even. Has he been taking extra shifts at the ER? To impress the senior doctors, for sure. Isak thought he was the only one that ambitious. ”Even was there?”
”Even, yeah. He’s hot, too, right?”
Isak stiffens. ”What?!”
”Isn’t he? I mean, I can appreciate that a guy is hot, even though I’m straight, right?”
Jonas looks at Isak in a far too encouraging way.
”He has a girlfriend”, Isak blurts out.
”Yeah?” Magnus deadpans.
”So… maybe you shouldn’t go around saying that he’s hot. People may get the wrong idea, think that you’re after him or something. You know. Rumours may start.”
”Okay. But I’m not doing that?” Magnus looks utterly confused. ”He’s just objectively good-looking, am I not right?”
By the luck of a million stars, Isak’s phone chooses this moment to break the silence with a loud ping. He hastily picks it up, like he was expecting some very important message.
THE INTERNZ YAYYYY
Emma Larzen
21.52
So THE PUB tomorrow! I’m so hyped that we’re all going!!! Meet outside the locker rooms at 16?
Right. The pub. Well, there must still be some way to get out of this.
Even Bech Naesheim
21.53
Sure thing!
And in five minutes’ time, all of his fellow seven interns have confirmed their attendance. He groans.
”What?” Magnus asks.
”Nothing.”
”Come on! I heard you! That was the ’I don’t wanna but somebody’s forcing me’-Isak-moan, and you know that I know that you know that I’ll find out what it meant anyway.”
While more than a little confused by this stream of words, Isak can still conclude that Magnus likely won’t budge.
”Fine. It’s this… pub at the hospital tomorrow. You probably know all about it. All the other interns are going.”
Magnus nods, enthusiastic. ”Yeah, I know! If I didn’t have a night shift, I would so be there. You won’t imagine what goes down at those pubs, Isak!”
Isak has an idea. He shivers in disgust.
”So. Now they all expect me to be there as well.”
”So?” Magnus shakes his head for lack of understanding, mouth slightly agape.
”Because I don’t wanna hang out with them? Because they’re all annoying, self-entitled… I don’t know? Kids?”
Magnus rolls his eyes.
”Oh, you’re so grown-up just because you stay in on a Saturday night to study and you’re too afraid that they won’t like you if they get to know you so you’d rather stay away.”
Ouch. Weed really drags out some really weird theories out of people. ”Besides, they’re not all annoying. That Even guy…”
”Not again, Magnus! What is so special about Even that you just can’t shut up about him? And why do you have to talk to me about him, like, all the time?”
”First of all, I don’t. Talk to you about him all the time. And second, I heard that he’s…”
Isak’s phone pings loudly again, interrupting all conversation.
THE INTERNZ YAYYY
Emma Larzen
21.57
So Iiiiisak…
You’ll be there too. Right?
Even Bech Naesheim
21.58
Of course he will. This is not optional, you know ;)
Fine. He guesses it’s easier to just go there to just avoid all the nagging, and then sneak away after an hour to the blessed solitude of an empty apartment.
Isak Valtersen
22.01
Yeah. I’ll see you there.
Magnus has, thankfully, moved on to some other subject during Isak’s internal turmoil, now reciting the oddest objects he’s seen being removed out of numerous people’s asses in the ER.
”Mags…” Jonas groans, putting his hands over his eyes, but this. This Isak can do. Other people’s misery is at least easier to deal with than his own.