Chapter Text
It’s 11:56 PM when Kyle hears a loud tapping on his window. He was just beginning to fall into a deep sleep when the noise from outside had him quickly sitting up and praying to God that it wasn’t Cartman trying to get him involved in another one of his stupid schemes. But despite the tired ache of his bones, he proceeds to open the window anyways. He’s surprised to find Stan Marsh standing in his front yard, a shivering mess.
Even with the darkness of the night, except for the few lamp posts that litter the street, Kyle knows instantly that something is wrong with his best friend. It’s not uncommon for Stan and Kyle to visit each other at such ridiculous times in the dead of night, it was something they had grown accustomed to and had eventually become a weekly ritual of theirs. However tonight is different, and the way Stan's voice breaks through the silence is proof of it.
"Dude, can I come up please?" Stan knew he didn't have to ask, he knew the answer would always be yes, and he knew that Kyle would let him in no matter what, right? Then why would he ask?
"Of course dude, come on up..." Kyle whispers into the cold bitter air, extending a hand out to his friend standing in the snow. Clumsily, Stan makes his way up, using the same tactic he always does and finally grabbing a hold of Kyle's warm hand.
The first thing Kyle notices is the crimson red that rims Stan's eyes. He’s been crying, and he’s been crying hard. He looks absolutely terrible, his hat seems to have been thrown on, and his clothes have definitely seen better days. Stan is a complete mess, and it makes Kyle’s heart ache to see him like this, so broken, so defeated, so unlike the bright smiling Stan he adores.
"Stan... Why- Dude what happened?" Kyle’s scared to ask, scared to know what or who hurt his best friend to the point of having him turn into this. Stan’s depression had gotten better ever since he and Kyle had finally decided to talk about it, and the thought that it might be coming back even worse than before plagued Kyle's mind. He swears to kick whoever’s ass he has to just to make sure Stan’s okay again.
"It's Wendy... We... We broke up again" Stan sniffles loudly as he looks down at his feet to keep from crying again.
Oh.
Wendy.
She and Stan were always breaking up and getting back together and breaking up and getting back together and so on. But it seems as if the older they get, the worse the breakups are, and this is definitely the worst Kyle has seen him.
"Dude... I'm sorry.." The taller boy quickly reaches for Stan and wraps him tight in his arms. It’s enough for now. Kyle could tell Stan didn’t want to talk about this anymore, and this was definitely something Kyle didn't want to talk about either. It would just hurt them both to do so, though for a different reason each.
Kyle swears he hates Wendy, but in reality, he doesn’t. She’s a great person, with a beautiful personality to match her outer beauty and a brilliant mind that even Kyle respects. She and him would even find themselves competing for the best grade and both seemed to share the same love for social issues, want for equality, and hatred of a certain fatass. Wendy is practically perfect in every way, and it doesn't take a genius to see how fucking head over heels Stan is for her. Who could blame him really?
Stan's sniffling soon quiets down into a soft snore and Kyle is left with a sleeping drooling teenager in his arms. Kyle can't help the way his heart flutters as his friend presses gently against him, practically cuddling him as he continued to doze off. A deep sigh leaves Kyle's lips, knowing far too well that it’s going to be a long night as he gently tucks Stan into his bed.
Kyle isn't exactly sure when he found out he had feelings for his super best friend, but what he can pinpoint, is the exact moment he knew he wasn't as straight as he thought he was. Surprisingly, it wasn't some huge revelation, he didn't accidentally see one of his friends naked, nor did he just wake up and realize it. It just sort of happened.
Reading had always been one of Kyle's favorite pastimes, even if Cartman and Kenny often teased him for it. He loves to especially read up on things he has no knowledge of, simply reading for the sake of learning something new. Often times he would go to the library and simply run his fingers down the assorted row of books, eyes shut, and pick the one he just happened to land on when he decided to stop. That day it had been a book on human sexuality. At first he was reluctant to read it, seeing as a middle schooler should preferably be reading Harry Potter instead of a book on the study of why humans are attracted to certain genders over others, but, Kyle loved learning, and he was definitely very curious about the contents of the book. So he began to read.
It was incredible, Kyle had never known how complex and interesting the human mind was, especially when it came to something like attraction, and the more he read the more he was fascinated by the subject. One book just wasn't enough, and once he had read every book the library had to offer on the subject, he quickly decided to go onto the internet to do his own research. There were so many new terms and ideas he had never been exposed to before, and each one was so different and even more intriguing than the last. He was genuinely enjoying this new learning experience in a way he hadn’t since the first grade when he had found out about the endless wonders of space.
Unfortunately as his mind expanded he found his thoughts wandering to his own actions and sexuality, even his gender. If it’s true that human attraction is much more complex than he had originally understood, how sure was he that he is what everyone else has perceived him to be? Especially now that he knew that straight wasn't the default, but simply the most common of sexualities? And how would his friends react to this knowledge? Did they know what it meant to be asexual or even androsexual? Why was he so fascinated by this? Was he gay? Would Stan hate him if he was? Would he stop being his friend?
And the questions just kept coming.
Kyle decided not to think about it too much, but it was too late, the match had been lit and his brain was in flames. He continued to think about it as the days went on, and the more he became comfortable with himself and the new knowledge he had acquired, the more he realized that he wasn't as straight as he had originally thought. However he still liked girls, but if he thought about it, he wouldn't mind holding Stan's hand if he asked... All he really wanted was someone who would be his friend and love him no matter what, as cheesy as it sounded. Gender just seemed like a secondary concern, but the person themselves, now that was the real treasure. Who they were as a human being, as an individual. What were their interests and passions? What did they care about in life? What beauty lies inside them? And would they be willing to accept him for him, completely and entirely, without question?
Kyle was only thirteen when he came to the realization that he was pansexual.
Then, of course, came the inevitable.
Rule number one of being queer, do not,
DO NOT
fall in love with your straight best friend. It is absolutely the worst, most torturous thing you could ever do to yourself, it is vital to never do so or you will find yourself regretting everything you have ever done to have led you up to that point, at least that's what everyone on online forums had told Kyle. He was certain it would never happen to him, why, it had seemed like such a ridiculous idea at the time, to fall for Kenny, or even Stan? Of course that would never happen! Just because he isn't straight doesn't mean he’s automatically going to become attracted to whatever guy he just so happens to be closest to.
But, unfortunately, Stan wasn’t just ‘whatever guy’, and it didn't just happen automatically. It was slow. It was so slow that it snuck up and bit Kyle right on his freckled ass when he least expected it. It was so slow it wasn't until Kyle would catch himself staring at Stan’s eyelashes for too long, or watching the way Stan would pronounce a certain word just a little bit differently than everyone else, or even just finding himself smiling at something silly Stan had done a few weeks ago that he realized he had a big problem. A big fucking terrible problem that was definitely going to fuck him over if he didn't do something about it soon.
So he ended up doing what any other logical human being would do in such a situation. He kept quiet, and he stayed quiet ever since then. There was no way in hell he was ever going to tell Stan about this. Not at all. Kyle was certain that this was just a silly crush that would blow away in an instant. Maybe he had just been feeling lonely lately and Stan was the only person he knew could stifle his longing? Maybe it was just his stupid teenage hormones telling him it would be a good idea to kiss his best friend? Maybe he and Stan were just getting a bit closer because of all the problems he had been helping Stan with? Maybe? Hopefully? It really was just a phase?
But Kyle wasn’t dumb. He knew what attraction was like, he knew what lust was like, he even knew what loneliness was like, but this was something else. This was something entirely new and different and oh so very lovely. Kyle began to realize just how important his best friend was to him. Stan was his home, he always had been. Ever since they were small, Stan was the only person in the whole damn world that made any fucking sense.
Stan was and is the only person who can truly understand him, even when he doesn’t even understand himself. Where would Kyle be without this stupid sad kid and his red poof ball hat? Who would he be? Definitely not himself, especially when Stan is such a big part of his entire being, but he supposes he never really noticed that until recently.
Kyle always thought love was supposed to be this great grand thing that finds you and lights a fire in your soul, but with Stan it’s so… gentle. He didn’t even notice the slow burn in his lungs until it was too late and his entire being was brought to ashes. He had crumbled, ever so slowly, and Stan was a soft breeze just waiting to blow him away to someplace better. He wants to fall apart. He wants to break. Only if it means doing so at the fingertips of his best friend.
“God this is getting fucking ridiculous.” Kyle groans angrily into his pillow, trying his hardest not to wake the body next to him, but it’s getting quite difficult not to completely lose it when Stan looks so gorgeous, even with his blood rimmed eyes, drool, and red puffy cheeks. Kyle has never felt the urge to kiss someone so strongly before. He wants to kiss that dumb sad look off his face, he wants to play with his hair and tell him it’ll be okay, to tell Wendy to fuck off because the only person Stan needs is right here, right here in front of him.
At least that’s what Kyle hopes.
It’s now 4:37 am. and Kyle has given up on sleeping for good, it’s pointless to even try with Stan’s soft snoring blessing his ears. He hates this. He hates that Stan makes him so incredibly happy yet so incredibly sad and furious all at the same time. Though Kyle has to admit, it’s kind of his own fault for letting himself fall into this situation. He could always just tell Stan how he feels, right? No. No he can’t. That would be suicidal, not to mention incredibly selfish. Stan is hurting, Stan needs him, and Stan is definitely and undeniably in love with someone who is much better than Kyle could ever hope to be, not to mention the dictionary definition of a heterosexual.
A loud ringing begins to fill the room, Kyle soon discovers that the noise is coming straight from Stan’s ass, but before he can do anything to stop it, Stan is quickly awake, unlocking his phone the fastest Kyle has ever seen, nearly falling out of Kyle’s bed just to answer the phone.
“H-hello? Wendy?” Kyle has to stop himself from snatching Stans phone and catapulting it out the fucking window, but he cares too much about Stan to do so. ‘Is she really calling him at 4 in the fucking morning? I swear to god if they end up getting back together agai-’
“Oh, babe! I’m so fucking sorry! I promise I’ll be better! I know I can be! I can do anything if it’s for you!” Kyle thinks he might actually die right then and there just hearing those words ooze from Stan’s mouth. He scratches at his arms, trying to get rid of the itch crawling just underneath his skin, but it’s nearly impossible to reach.
“Oh- What?” a pause. Three minutes. Five minutes. The itch is getting worse, Kyle’s arm is almost as red as his hair, but it’s not bleeding, yet. “Y-yeah! I can do that! That's a great idea babe! You’re so damn smart. I promise you won’t regret this! Y-Yeah! Oh.. he’s right here actually. Yeah. He’s staring at me?” Stan looks over at Kyle with bright eyes, incredible how Wendy can fix this sad boy’s heart just as easily as she destroys it. Then again, Stan does the exact same thing to Kyle. Kyle looks down at the scratches on his lightly freckled arm, as if he hasn’t been intently listening to their conversation the entire time. “Huh? Oh, yeah! I mean if you don’t mind dealing with Cartman’s bullshit. Mhm. Yep. YES!. I love you too babe! I swear, you will not regret this one bit! Ah! Thank you so so so so so much!” Kyle bites down on his lip hard, his eyes beginning to sting despite his best efforts to blink the tears away. “Goodnight Wendy… I love you.”
Stan lets out a deep loving sigh, changing the entire mood of the room with just his bright crooked smile. Kyle on the other hand, can’t even bring himself to even look at his best friend, scared he might break just from seeing him so damn happy.
Kyle loves seeing Stan happy, he really does, he just wishes he was the reason for that happiness.
“Kyle, Dude! You will not believe what just happened!” Stan sits down next to Kyle, letting his hand rest on his taller friends thigh as he begins to tell Kyle his ‘good’ news.
‘Let me guess, you and Wendy are back together? Again ?’ “W-what dude? It sounded good! Are things better now?” Kyle had gotten pretty good at pretending by this point, anything for Stan, even if it means keeping how he really feels to himself. Sure best friends tell each other everything and are always honest with one another, but Kyle feels that this situation is a bit different, and breaking the friends code just had to be done. He values his friendship with Stan too much to ever risk ruining it. Feelings be damned.
“Can you believe it Kyle? She’s giving me another chance!”
‘Oh, I can believe it.’ “Really?” Smiling hurt, but Kyle did it anyways.
“Yeah! And even better, we’re really going to try this time! We’re gonna be adults about this, talk out our problems, stop avoiding the issues, and be honest! All that good Doctor Phil shit! She said she’s been doing a lot of thinking-”
‘In three hours?’ Kyle tries hard not to scoff, but then he remembers this is Wendy they’re talking about, that girl could be the next president of the United States if she wanted to with a brain like that.
“-and she thinks she knows what’s been keeping this relationship from working! She wants to try and be part of our group! Ya know? Hang out with the guys and you two can try and bond, then maybe things won’t be so awkward anymore and I don’t have to choose you guys over her or vice versa! It’s genius!” It’s been so long since Kyle’s seen Stan’s eyes shine so bright. Kyle feels himself falling a little harder just staring at them, but the dull ache in his chest is making it hard to fully enjoy the view.
‘Wait. Wendy. Hang out with us? That’s a terrible idea! I’m going to fucking straight up die if I have to suffer through their gross kissy kissy face bullshit! At least previously I could easily avoid it, but now it’s going to be outright impossible!’ “Dude, that's such a good idea! I really hope it works out for you two!” Kyle can feel the itch on his arm rise up to his deltoid, but he knows scratching it won’t do him any good.
“Shit! I gotta get going dude! Thank you so much Kyle, you saved my life again. I owe you big time.” Stan wraps his arms around Kyle, giving him one of the softest, warmest, most loving hugs Kyle has ever received in his short 18 years of life. He takes a deep breath, taking what he can before it inevitably ends. “I love you dude, I’ll see you tomorrow okay? You and Wendy are going to get along so well!” And with that Stan is gone, leaving Kyle feeling warm and fuzzy, all while simultaneously leaving a terribly acidic taste in his mouth.
“I love you too, Stan.”