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“Are you tired?” Fi asks.
Dee looks over at her from across the sofa. Her arms are wrapped around long legs folded up to her chest and her fringe is falling into her eyes. She’s so pretty.
Fi’s not tired but she’s tired of sitting here wondering what’s going on, what that kiss on the wheel had actually meant and why they haven’t touched since. It was so fleeting and gentle and timid.
She should have returned it with more. She should have taken Dee’s face in her hands and made sure it was clear how much she’d wanted it.
“Not really,” Dee says. “But it’s late so I guess I should be.” She stands up, stretches her arms above her head.
Fi has to look away when Dee’s shirt pulls up above the waist of her jeans. She doesn’t know if she’s allowed to look at her like that.
“Do you have like a blanket I could use?” Dee asks. “It’s ok if you don’t, I just—”
“Oh,” Fi interrupts. “I thought— did you want to sleep out here?”
“I mean— I don’t— I’m fine to sleep wherever.”
Fi is still sitting on the sofa as if frozen. She doesn’t know how to do this. She doesn’t know how to say what she wants, or if it’s even ok for her to want what she wants.
“You can have my bed,” she blurts. “If you want.” It’s not what she wants but at least it’s polite and hospitable which is how her mum had taught her to be.
“What about you?” Dee asks. Her voice is so quiet.
“There are lots of places I can sleep.”
“How about you sleep with me.” She doesn’t stutter. There’s no hesitation. She looks right into Fi’s eyes when she says it.
-
Fi leaves Dee in her bedroom and goes to the bathroom to brush her teeth. And wash her face. And shave her legs, which she almost feels guilty about. Usually she can’t even be bothered, so why does it suddenly feel so necessary?
She rubs lotion onto the freshly smooth skin after. It feels good and it smells nice and probably she’s just stalling at this point, hoping the erratic thumping of her heart will slow enough that she doesn’t feel so bloody nervous she could be sick.
She pulls on her plaid pj bottoms and wishes she was the kind of person who owned even a single item of sexy pjs, or lingerie or whatever. But maybe that would be too presumptuous.
She leans in close to the mirror as she takes her contacts out, staring at herself, at skin so pale she can see blue under her eyes. Maybe people are right. Maybe she’d look better with a little bit of makeup. She puts on her glasses and stares a little longer, wishing she looked… different.
She’s been in here too long. It probably looks weird. How can she go back to her room now, knowing Dee’s probably just sat there wondering what the hell is taking so long. Maybe she should just sleep in the bathtub.
Because that wouldn’t be weird at all.
There’s a knock on the door and somehow her heart beats even faster. She doesn’t say anything, just pulls it open with shaky fingers.
“Sorry,” she says.
Dee laughs. “For what?”
“Um. I dunno.”
Dee holds up her toothbrush. “Can’t sleep without a minty mouth.”
Fi smiles awkwardly and steps aside to let her in before stepping out herself. “I’ll just… see you.”
“You will.”
-
She’s stood in the middle of her room wondering if she should take her bra off. Literally paralyzed by the indecision, looking down at her chest and biting her lip because this feels like a monumentally important decision even though it’s probably really not.
She never sleeps in a bra. Why would she ever put herself through that?
But then. What kind of message would it send if she were to just— take it off? Knowing that she’ll be sharing the rather small space of that bed with someone else. Would that someone else be offended by her decision to take it off?
Will she ever be free from this all encompassing anxiety?
She hears Dee’s footsteps in the hall and she still has no idea idea what to do, so she flings herself into bed and burrows under the duvet. It feels a little less scary to be hidden.
Dee comes into the room like she’s meant to be there. She doesn’t look scared or anxious or weird. She’s still wearing jeans and a t-shirt but her long hair is up in a ponytail and her face is bare of the makeup that’d been there before.
She looks just as beautiful without it. She’s always beautiful.
She looks at Fi and laughs all breathy and quiet and Fi feels the sound in her heart, feels herself falling on the spot even more.
“You look cozy,” Dee says. The she reaches her hand up the back of her shirt. It pulls up a little in the front too and this time Fi doesn’t have the strength to look away. She watches Dee pulling the straps of her bra through her sleeves and off her arms and there’s too many thoughts racing through her mind.
She should definitely look away. She should definitely not be noticing the poke of Dee’s nipples under the thin material of her shirt. She should have taken her own bra off before crawling into bed because now there’s no way to do it without making it into a thing.
Dee drops her bra onto the floor. “This is ok, right? Shit, I probably should have made sure this was ok—”
“It’s ok,” Fi assures. “Do you mind if I take mine off too?”
Dee cocks her head to the side. “Mind?”
“I just wanted to make sure—” She cuts herself off as she watches Dee unzip her jeans and peel them down to her ankles, stepping on them to kick them off completely.
“You should definitely take off your bra,” Dee says. She’s just stood there in a slightly oversized white t-shirt and a pair of pants and Fi kind of hates herself for the way she stares, but Dee is staring at her too and doesn’t appear to making a move to put on pyjamas of any kind.
“In fact you don’t need to wear one the rest of the time I’m here if you don’t want to.”
Fi reaches back into her shirt to unclasp it and take it off the same way Dee had done. Dee, who’s still just stood there, watching. Fi chucks the thing onto the floor and manages to summon up enough bravery to ask, “You coming?”
“Should I turn off the light?”
Fi nods. Her pulse pounds faster when the room is plunged into darkness and a few moments later she hears a soft whacking sound and Dee cursing under her breath.
“Are you ok?”
Dee giggles. “It’s fucking dark as shit, I think I broke my toe.”
“Come here before you break anything else, please.”
The bed dips then and Fi shuffles over to make as much room as she can in the rather cramped space the bed will allow.
“Don’t you have a nightlight or something?” Dee asks.
Fi can’t help chuckling at that. “Do you?”
“Uhh. I mean. Yeah. I do.”
Fi wishes she could see Dee’s face. She can imagine the little rosy patches above her jaw and the look of sheepishness that is most likely accompanying the reluctance in her voice as she makes that confession.
“I’m not that fond of like, darkness, ok? Don’t take the piss.”
“You’re afraid of the dark,” Fi says, her heart bursting with fondness. “That’s adorable.”
“Oh shut up. Can I get under the covers with you?”
“Of course,” Fi says, lifting them up and feeling Dee’s socked foot brush against her leg.
“Is it ok that I’m not wearing bottoms?” Dee asks. “I… forgot mine.”
“It’s… it’s definitely fine. I can lend you some if you want, but. It doesn’t bother me.”
“I usually just sleep in my pants, so. To be honest I lied before. I don’t really even have pajama bottoms.”
Fi laughs. “Trust me, it’s no hardship.” Then she freezes, because fuck. She shouldn’t be saying things like that. Flirting online is different. None of that stuff had necessarily meant anything, after all. It had to her, but it might not have to Dee.
“Sorry,” she mumbles. If she weren’t a grown woman trying to maintain some semblance of cool she’d pull the duvet up over her head and just hide there until all these weird swirly feelings of fear and shame and excitement went away.
“Fi.”
“Yeah?”
“What in the world are you apologizing for?”
Fi turns her head on the pillow. Her eyes have adjusted enough that she can just make out the shape of Dee’s face. “Being awkward, I guess?”
“How is flirting being awkward?”
“Uhh…” Fuck, she’s a full blown mess now. Dee is probably about to up and leave, take the first train back to Wokingham and pretend none of this ever happened. This is not the Fi she’s come to know on the internet. This is not AmazingFiona, this is just Fi. Awkward and nervous and probably weird-looking too.
“We flirt all the time. All we do is flirt,” Dee says.
“I didn’t know if maybe you were just like, joking,” Fi whispers. “Or humouring me.”
“Fi. I kissed you.”
She has the urge to hide her face then. It’s true, Dee had kissed her. And apparently that’s still not enough to convince her this is real and she’s allowed to have it. “Yeah,” she mumbles.
“Are you in the habit of flirting with and kissing people you aren’t like… interested in?”
“I’m not in the habit of flirting with anyone but you,” Fi says. “And I’m not in the habit of kissing anyone, like… ever, pretty much. Which is why… I’m being weird, I guess.”
“Well you don’t have to be,” Dee says.
“Sorry,” Fi whispers.
“I’m gonna move a little closer to you now, ok?”
Fi makes a little breathy laughing noise. She can’t help but smile at how utterly stupid she’s made this whole thing. “Ok. Me too?”
“Are you asking or telling?”
Instead of saying anything Fi decides to stop being stupid and shuffles forward until her knees push against Dee’s. She thinks that’ll be the end of it but then Dee’s hand is on her waist pulling her forward a little more. A lot more than just their knees are touching now and she can even feel Dee’s breath on her face.
It smells minty and Fi wants to chase it to her lips.
“Is this ok?” Dee whispers. Her hand is pressed through Fi’s shirt against the small of her back.
“Why aren’t you scared?” Fi asks.
“I am. I’m fucking terrified.”
“It doesn’t show.”
“I’m good at pretending to be more confident than I am,” Dee whispers.
“You kissed me.”
“I did. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
Fi leans in until her nose brushes Dee’s. “I think you should do it again.”
Dee’s hand is gone from Fi’s waist and a moment later it comes up to brush the hair from Fi’s cheek and cup her jaw.
“Do you?” Dee breathes, her lips ghosting Fi’s.
Fi doesn’t answer, and this time she doesn’t wait for Dee to be the brave one. She takes the back of Dee’s head in her hand and leans in and frames Dee’s bottom lip between her own.
Dee kisses back softly and tries to pull back after a moment but Fi doesn’t let her. She kisses her again, a little more firmly, a little more insistent, like she should have done on the wheel. She doesn’t want any more uncertainty here. She has enough of that in her life already and Dee is pretty much the only thing she’s sure of.
When she tries to pull back and Dee grips her for dear life Fi laughs and then Dee is kissing her teeth but neither of them are trying to pull away anymore. Dee pushes her thigh up in between Fi’s and parts her lips.
Dee’s tongue licks faintly against Fi’s bottom lip and her stomach flips again like it did on the eye, but this time it’s different. There’s a heat behind it, a tugging and a longing to grab Dee’s body and pull it as tight as she can against her own body. A longing to wedge Dee’s leg up higher and push herself down against it.
She doesn’t do that. She just keeps kissing, because that’s more than enough, even if her body is telling her she wants more. This is kissing like she’s never experienced it before and she never wants it to end. They’re holding each other’s faces and Dee’s ankles are hooked around hers.
Dee smells nice, not sweet but musky, maybe even like a man’s cologne. It mixes with the sweet scent of the lotion Fi had rubbed into her legs.
Dee tastes nice, like toothpaste and lipstick and something probably uniquely her. It shouldn’t be nice and maybe objectively it isn’t but Fi feels like she could never get enough.
Dee feels nice. Her lips are chapped but they’re wet and plush and her body pressed up against Fi’s feels better than anything ever has. Fi can’t wait until she can feel every part of her, kiss every part of her, taste every part of her.
It’s Dee who pulls back first, chuckling and breathing out an apology of, “Sorry, sorry,” that has Fi frowning.
“Sorry for what?” her head is spinning a little, her fingers clutched in the material of the back of Dee’s t-shirt.
“That was probably too much.”
“It… really wasn’t.”
Dee presses her forehead against Fi’s. “I’ve never done that before.”
“You never kissed anyone?” Fi frowns. That can’t be right. She had a boyfriend for years.
Dee tugs playfully on Fi’s fringe. “No you spoon, I mean a girl. I’ve never kissed a girl.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. I… yeah. You were—” she stops talking and just leans in for another kiss, gentle again, no tongue, no heat.
“I was what?” Fi whispers.
“You were like… a lightbulb.”
Fi needs a few moments after that to let the wave of emotion crash over her before she can speak.
“Too much?” Dee asks quietly.
Fi shakes her head. “I’m just glad you’re so much braver than me.”
“Like I said, I’m just good at pretending.”
“Let’s not do that anymore, yeah?” Fi asks. “Let’s just be like, honest.”
Dee smiles. “So tell me something honest.”
She squeezes around Dee’s waist. “You’re really good at kissing girls for never having done it before.”
“I really like you.”
“I really like you too. A lot,” Fi says. “Like, so much.”
Dee smiles that smile Fi knows is denting the adorable dimple in her cheek, even if it’s too dark to see it. She reaches up to trace over it with her finger just to be sure. It’s there and it makes Fi smile too.
“I was starting to wonder if you did or not.”
Fi ducks her head down and buries her face in Dee’s neck in shame. “I’m sorry. I do.”
“It’s just… you’re so different in person. Online you’re so…” she trails off.
Fi’s stomach sinks. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Shut up. I didn’t mean it like it’s a bad thing. It’s just like, there’s the Fi in the videos and then the Fi on skype and now… this Fi.”
“I guess in a way I’m good at pretending too,” Fi says sadly. “But only if I’m talking to a screen apparently—”
Dee is kissing her again, pulling Fi right out of her self deprecating thoughts with a warm mouth and gripping fingers. “Shut up,” she breathes. “I like this Fi. I like her more than I’ve ever liked anyone.”
“How about you shut me up with more kissing.”
“See?” Dee says. “This Fi is a giant dork. I love that.”
“This dork’s lips are getting lonely.”
Instead of lips on hers she feels Dee’s hands on her shoulders, rolling her over and pushing her back into the mattress. Heat burns up her insides as Dee climbs on top of her, straddling her hips with her knees and settling herself down on Fi’s lap.
Fi wishes more than anything that the light was still on and she could see with more clarity. The hottest woman in the world is sat on top of her, half naked and professing feelings similar to her own and she wants to remember this forever.
There are a lot of things she wants right now, and somehow the universe has granted her the opportunity to actually have them. It’s almost too much.
Almost.
“Can I touch you?” she whispers.
Dee answers by picking up Fi’s hands and guiding them to her legs. Fi presses the pads of her fingers into that smooth skin before sliding her palms up slowly, her pulse pounding in her ears. She stops when she gets to where the bottom of Dee’s shirt lies bunched against the tops of her thighs.
“Keep going.”
Fi doesn’t know what that means. There are too many places she could go and she’s still reeling from the kissing and the sudden proximity of Dee’s crotch to hers.
“Are you scared again?” Dee whispers.
Fi nods. Dee takes Fi’s hands again and this time she slips them underneath the hem of her shirt. Fi’s hands are on Dee’s waist for real now, skin on skin.
She’s warm. She’s warm and soft and leaning forward just a little bit and looking at Fi through the fringe that’s fallen into her eyes.
“Are you scared?” Fi asks.
“Not anymore.” She leans down and kisses Fi again, absolving her of the burden of trying to work through the nerves and uncertainty of where to put her hands.
She keeps them on Dee’s waist. That’s as good a place as any. It feels safe. It feels intimate, maybe just the right amount of intimate for their very first night together.
Until Dee’s mouth moves down to kiss at her neck. Then it feels like it might not be quite enough. The the tingling between her legs and the adrenaline in her chest and the need to make up for her past hesitations has her sliding her hands up from Dee’s waist, slowly, in case it turns out that’s not something she’s allowed yet.
Dee doesn’t stop her. She just presses her lips to Fi’s again and breathes a little heavier when Fi’s palms cup her breasts. She’s impossibly soft there, her nipples impossibly stiff as Fi trails her fingers over them lightly.
She doesn’t ask if it’s ok. She doesn’t need to, because Dee leans back and pulls her shirt up and off her head and tosses it onto the floor all in one very fluid, very sexy motion before returning her mouth to Fi’s.
And Fi makes the most of all Dee’s lovely exposed skin, running her hands up and down her sides, her back, her stomach, her legs, just gently dragging the tips of her fingers over the curves of her breasts and the bumps of her ribs until Dee shudders and all that skin is erupted in goosebumps.
By now Dee has worked her hands under Fi’s shirt and is touching her in similar ways. Though she has less access she makes the most of it and she’s just as gentle as Fi is, maybe even more so. It’s all so incredibly hot and yet somehow still sweet and tentative that it makes Fi’s heart ache.
Neither of them make a move to take it any further than kissing and caressing, and though Fi is more turned on than she’s ever been in her whole bloody life, she’s ok with that. She’s happy with it. She’s hoping that this is the start of something that’s going to last… well, a very long time.
Time has lost all meaning by the time they come apart and Dee lies down next to Fi again, but judging from the chapped tingle in her lips she’d say it’s been quite a while. Fi slides her arm under Dee’s neck and Dee rests the side of her head against the front of Fi’s shoulder and drapes her arm across Fi’s stomach. They pull the duvet up over themselves and huddle in together and Fi drops one more kiss to the top of Dee’s head.
“You’re amazing,” Dee says and her voice sounds dreamy and soft.
Fi grins to herself. “Is that a pun?”
“What? No, I— oh. Oh shut up.”
She chuckles. “Sorry, sorry. I feel a bit drunk.”
“Me too.”
“I stand by what I said about you being a good kisser. Also you’re beautiful and I never want you to leave from this spot, please.”
“Then I won’t,” Dee says. “I live here now.”
“Can we actually just stay in bed all day tomorrow though?” Fi asks.
“Mhm.”
“Are you tired?” It feels like a week has passed since they were sat on the sofa watching telly and she was asking the same thing.
“Mhm,” Dee hums again.
“Am I going to wake up alone in the morning and realize this was all a dream?”
“Nope. You’re stuck with me now, mate.”
-
Dee is still there in the morning, turned away from Fi, her naked shoulder peeking out from the duvet. She’s still asleep, still taking slow breaths in and out, her ponytail fanned out across the pillow. The ends of her hair tickle Fi’s nose a little but she doesn’t want to move. She doesn’t want to wake her.
She wishes she could take a photo of this moment to save forever. Even the back of her is beautiful. The late morning sunlight falls against the slope of her long neck and the curve of her shoulder like a painting.
Fi doesn’t want to wake her, but she can’t help shuffling forward and spooning herself against Dee’s back, wrapping her arm around her waist and pressing her lips just below her ear. Dee stirs but doesn’t wake and Fi closes her eyes and goes back to sleep.
-
“You promised me we could stay in bed all day.” Dee’s sat up in bed with the duvet wrapped around her like a burrito, watching Fi root around in her closet.
Fi chuckles. “It’s just the kitchen. Aren’t you hungry?”
“Yeah I am, I’m fucking starving. But I think you should be a good girlfriend and bring me breakfast in bed.”
Fi’s heart slams against her ribs. She turns to look at Dee who looks about as shocked as Fi feels. There’s a long, loaded moment and then Fi tosses her green York hoodie up onto the bed.
“You should be a good girlfriend and wear this for me.”
Dee looks relieved as she grabs the sweater. “You don’t want me walking around your parents’ house topless? What kind of girlfriend are you?”
“The kind that doesn’t want to be away from you long enough to bring you breakfast in bed. Come on.”
Dee smirks, and makes a show of dropping the duvet. She sits there for a minute in just her pants and lets Fi look at her in the light of day.
She’s breathtaking.
“We’re gonna starve if you don’t get dressed,” Fi croaks. “If you look like that we really will stay in bed forever.”
Dee pulls the hoodie over her head and Fi feels a mix of relief and disappointment. She can think again, but— fuck. Thinking is probably overrated anyway.
“I’m not putting on trousers,” Dee says, scootching off the bed. “That’s where I draw the line.”
Fi would never have thought before today that a messy ponytail, white cotton boyshorts and a bright green hoodie would be the hottest thing a girl could possibly wear, but she would definitely have been wrong about that. It almost makes her feel bad that all she’s given Dee to look at so far is pale skin and pyjamas. No tit or legs or anything. Maybe she really isn’t a good girlfriend after all.
She also doesn’t have much to offer in the breakfast department. “Shreddies or… Crunchy Nut?”
“Crunchy Nut, definitely.”
“Do you like coffee or tea?” Fi asks. She realizes despite hours and hours of skype calls and texts and flirting on twitter there are still so many little things they have left to learn about each other. The thought makes her smile.
“I’ll have whatever you’re having.”
“Coffee then.”
Dee smiles. She smiles all big and bright and toothy and dimpled and Fi can’t resist just leaning in and kissing her. It’s so casual, so easy already. That thought doesn’t escape her. She’s never had anything like this, not even remotely, but it already feels just so damn easy. That must mean something.
Dee hops up onto the counter and watches as Fi sets out to make the coffee. She pulls up a leg and rests her head against her knee. She’s not wearing socks anymore and Fi notices that her toenails are painted a glittery black. Ever her toes are pretty.
“D’you still wanna film something together?” Dee asks.
“Mm, maybe. Probably. Not til later though.”
“You wanna go back to bed after this?”
Fi turns her head from the mugs she’s spooning coffee powder into. “That was the plan wasn’t it?”
“That was my plan. I didn’t know if you actually were down for that plan or not.”
“I’m very down.”
“You don’t wanna like, show me around town or something?”
Fi looks at her incredulously. “You think I wanna waste the limited time we have together walking around Rawtenstall?”
“Don’t say that,” Dee says quietly. Sadly, even.
“Say what?”
“Limited time. I hate that.”
“Sorry. You’re right. Sorry.” She leans into Dee’s leg. “Let’s not think about it.”
Dee lifts her head up off her knee and pulls the green hood up over her head. “I’m too clingy.”
“If you are then I am too. We’re perfect for each other.” She moves to go back to making the coffee but Dee reaches out and grabs her shirt. She pulls her in between her legs and wraps them around her waist.
“Now I’m too clingy.”
Fi just whispers, “Never,” and kisses her.
She has to restart the kettle when they finally manage to pull away from each other. “Maybe we should’ve just stayed in bed,” Fi laughs.
“Uh uh I need sustenance.” Dee grabs the box of cereal and hops down from the counter. “This much kissing takes energy. Where do you keep your bowls?”
Fi points to the cupboard where the bowls are. “Get me one please.”
“Yes, dear.”
She knows Dee is just taking the piss, but she’s kind of right. This moments feels so settled and domestic. It feels wonderful.
They sit at the kitchen table and look at each other, smiling shyly as they eat their cereal and drink their coffees. Fi doesn’t understand how she can feel settled and shy at the same time but she does and she kind of hopes it never stops feeling like this.
-
Dee crawls right back into bed the moment they get to Fi’s room. Fi’s slightly disappointed she’s still wearing the hoodie but she’s certainly not going to say anything about it. She’s still wearing less clothes than Fi herself.
As if she can read her mind, Dee says from beneath the duvet, “I think you should take off your bottoms.”
Fi does a nervous laughter thing.
“Sorry. You don’t have to. No pressure. Sorry. Come here please.”
Fi takes a breath and yanks her pjs down her legs. The only thing stopping her from doing it is insecurity, not a lack of wanting to be naked with… her girlfriend. Dee is her girlfriend. The thought makes it a lot less scary to expose herself like this.
“Hey, I said you don’t ha—”
“Shush,” Fi says, slipping under the covers and intertwining her bare legs with Dee’s. “Just tell me I’m pretty.”
“Fiona. You’re fucking gorgeous. Surely you must know I think you’re hottest woman in the world.”
“Shush,” Fi says again, this time sheepishly as she hides her face in Dee’s neck.
“Also you have like, amazing legs but I don’t want you to think I’m objectifying you.”
“You can objectify me a little,” Fi mumbles against Dee’s skin. “I give you my permission.”
“You’re sexy as fuck, Fi. Also,” she stretches out her neck, tilting her head to the side to give Dee more access. “That feels really good.”
“I’m not doing anything,” Fi says.
“I know. So imagine if you did.”
Fi’s stomach flips. She rolls them over and sits on Dee’s thighs, then tugs up on the bottom of her hoodie. “Take this off.”
They work together to get thing off and chuck it away somewhere for later. Fi stares down at the woman underneath her, still disbelieving that this it’s real and it’s her life.
She’s about to lean down and kiss Dee’s neck like she wants to when Dee tugs on her shirt. “You take yours off too?”
This time Fi doesn’t hesitate, yanking the thing up and off and feeling nothing but warmth and want at the way Dee’s eyes are taking her in.
Dee runs a hand up to touch Fi’s stomach, then to trace over her breast, then up further to wrap gently around the back of her neck. She opens her legs for Fi to fit between and pulls her down to kiss her deep and wet.
There’s so much naked skin on skin Fi almost forgets she’s meant to be making Dee feel good. She remedies that quickly, moving her mouth down to her neck and kissing wetly.
Dee gasps, she actually audibly gasps and squeezes her thighs round Fi’s hips and— oh. Oh, Fi could get used to this. Fi would very much like to get used to this.
So she keeps doing that for a while. For a long while, actually, long past the point where Dee’s neck would have first started to bruise, but Dee only seems to get more and more into it. Fi keeps kissing and sucking and even gently biting at Dee’s neck until she’s moaning beneath her and rolling her hips into Fi’s.
Fi hasn’t had much sex in her life, but she has had some and it’s never felt anything like this. She’s never felt desire like the desire she feels to kiss down Dee’s body and pull her knickers off and know the taste of the inside of her.
She thinks she probably shouldn’t do that, but it’s hard not to when Dee is clutching her tight and all but humping against her. She shouldn’t because Dee is eighteen and never been with a woman before and they’ve technically just met and it’s all so fast. Last night Fi wasn’t even sure where they stood and now the only thing separating their writhing bodies is a couple pairs of pants and some rapidly dissolving willpower.
So she pulls her lips from Dee’s neck with every intention of slowing things down before they go too far, but instead of opening her mouth to speak she just goes right back to kissing. She shuffles down Dee’s body a little and kisses slowly down her chest and between her breasts and Dee’s hand is in her hair and her breaths are heaving as Fi finds a nipple under tongue and closes her mouth around it.
Dee’s arm wedges between their bodies and Fi feels the bumps of her knuckles moving and she knows exactly what’s happening though she can’t see anything. She holds one of Dee’s breasts in her hands and moves back up to kiss her lips again. She wants to be kissing her when she comes.
She wants a lot more than that but for now kissing Dee while she gets herself off is enough. Beyond it being almost unbearably sexy, Fi finds it kind of adorable. It’s hopelessly endearing to her that Dee is too turned on to do anything but shove her hand in her knickers and play with herself. It’s so unsophisticated and just— young. It makes Fi feel young too, swept up in something new and exciting and completely overwhelming.
Dee goes still when she comes, and quieter, just a few breathy sounds as she clenches her thighs and rides it out with Fi on top of her all the while.
Fi lays her head down on Dee’s chest afterwards and listens to the quick thumps of her heart slow gradually into a more relaxed rhythm. It works to calm herself too, for the throbbing between her legs to ease and her own breaths to come more slowly. Eventually Dee seems recovered enough to reach up and run her fingers through Fi’s hair over and over.
They stay like that for a long time, quiet and still and melted into each other. Dee pulls the duvet up over Fi’s shoulders when she shivers a little. Outside the window it’s October and the air is cool, but here in the fort of blankets and sheets they’ve created their bodies keep each other just warm enough.
Fi keeps her ear pressed to Dee’s chest, listening to her heart. She wonders if this heart beats for her the way it feels like hers is beating for Dee right now. She’s going to keep that thought to herself because it’s definitely far too soon to be having it, but it makes her smile anyway.
Then, suddenly, Dee says, “Oh fuck.”
Fi lifts her head. “What?”
“I just… came.”
Fi laughs. “I mean it’s been a while now, but… yeah. You did. It was really hot.”
“But I didn’t— I didn’t even ask if it was ok.”
“You never have to ask my permission for something like that, Dee. You don’t need anyone’s permission for that.”
“But like. What about you? I should’ve—”
Fi’s reached up and clapped her hand over Dee’s mouth. She shakes her head. “Don’t do that. There’s no ‘should’ve.’ I’m fine.”
“I was just so… you know,” Dee says sheepishly.
“I know.” Fi smiles, because despite herself it makes her feel proud that she contributed in any way to making Dee feel like that. “It’s ok. Like, it’s… ok’s not the right word. It was… I liked it. A lot.” She shakes her head at her own inarticulateness. “Sorry. I don’t know like, what you’re comfortable with and stuff. I reckon we should maybe talk about that at some point.”
Dee frowns. “What d’you mean?”
“Just… stuff like that, the physical stuff. It’s probably good to talk about it when we’re not… in the middle of it.”
There’s a rather long pause and Dee’s voice is quiet when she speaks. “Yeah, I guess so. I don’t really know anything about it.”
“About… sex?”
“With a girl.”
“Oh,” Fi says.
“I kind of… yeah. I just… I know I want you but I don’t even really know what that means.”
Fi’s stomach twists a little with guilt. “I shouldn’t have even let it get as far as it did earlier. I’m really sorry about that.”
“Yes you should have,” Dee argues.
“Not if you’re feeling nervous and unsure.”
“I’m not unsure of you. I’m just unsure of like, what to do.”
“Is this going too fast?” Fi asks. She sits up and pulls the duvet up over her bare chest. “I hate to think of you feeling weird.”
Dee sits up too, seemingly not giving a toss about covering herself up. “I don’t feel weird. Please don’t say that. It’s not too fast. It just feels like that because we didn’t get to meet for so long. We’ve been talking for ages.”
“Yeah,” Fi says. “Yeah, that’s true. But I never really knew where we were going.”
“I didn’t either but I knew where I wanted it to go. I’ve known for like, forever. Since before you even knew who I was.”
Fi has to duck her head a little and shake her fringe into her eyes to hide from the giddiness that erupts inside her at those words.
“We want each other, right?” Dee asks softly.
Fi nods. “Definitely.”
“And you… want to have sex with me? Eventually?”
“Yes.”
Dee reaches out and slips her fingers between Fi’s. “And you’ll teach me what that actually means, yeah? I just wanna make you feel good.”
Fi can’t help laughing, a mixture of nerves and amusement at Dee’s innocence. “I don’t need to teach you anything. It’s not like their are rules. There’s no like, lesbian sex cheat sheet.”
“I know, but… I don’t know what you like.”
“And I don’t know that about you either,” Fi says gently. “I assume that’s part of the fun of being in a relationship. Learning what the other person likes, right?”
“You’re asking me?”
Fi shrugs. “I’ve never really been in one.”
“But you’ve been with girls,” Dee says.
“A couple, yeah. Nothing really serious. Nothing like this.”
Dee just bites her lip.
“Am I allowed to say stuff like that?” Fi asks. “Sorry. We don’t have to be serious.”
“I want to,” Dee says. “I only want you. I want you all the time. I’m like, the most serious about you.”
Fi grins. “Ok good. Me too.”
“This feels so formal,” Dee says. “Sorry. I’m just like, embarrassingly insecure and shit. But yeah.”
“You don’t have to be. We can talk about stuff like this, even if it feels awkward. I think it’s good.”
“So you’re not having a cringe attack that I just admitted to you that I have no idea what sex with a girl even means.”
Fi laughs. “I’m not cringing but it’s definitely a little funny to me.”
Dee pouts. “I’m being serious.”
“That’s why it’s funny.”
“I hate you,” Dee says. She pulls Fi down so they’re lying down again, this time on their sides and facing each other.
Fi leans in and gives her a big sloppy kiss right on the lips. “Hate you too, baby.”
“You’re gonna have to tell me so I don’t make a fool of myself next time you’re all over me like that,” Dee says. “‘Cause I was horny as fuck and I wanted to touch you but I just… don’t know how.”
“Yes you do.”
“I don’t,” Dee argues.
“You know how to touch yourself,” Fi says.
“Yeah…”
“It’s not really different,” Fi says. “We have the same parts after all.”
Dee rolls her eyes. “I know but—”
“No buts. It doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.”
Dee chews on her lip. “I guess.”
“If you wanna do something, or you want me to do something… all you have to do is ask,” Fi says gently.
“You might not like the same things I like,” Dee whispers, and it’s clear to Fi at this point that she’s not exaggerating her uncertainty.
“Hey. We’re going to learn, ok?” She pushes up gently under Dee’s chin to tilt her head back so they can look at each other. “I can’t wait to learn the things you like.”
“I’m not even sure I know what I like.”
Fi’s heart sinks. Now she just sounds sad.
“Sorry,” Dee adds quickly. “I’m not trying to be a downer. Although I guess if we’re gonna be like, officially girlfriends you should know that too.”
“Know what?”
Dee shakes her head. She sits up again and scootches off the bed to grab Fi’s hoodie off the floor and pull it over her head. Fi suddenly feels way too naked herself, and leans down to grab the first shirt that she can find on the floor, a red plaid button up. She puts it in and buttons it up with shaky fingers.
“Dee.”
She turns around, tears in her eyes.
“Talk to me please. C’mere.”
Dee crawls back up onto the bed and sits at the foot of it with her knees pulled up to her chest. Her hair is a mess now, her neck littered with blossoming bruises. She looks devastatingly beautiful but so, so sad. Fi’s heart is breaking and she doesn’t even know why.
“Talk to me,” she says again. “Did I say something?”
“No.” She wipes her nose on the sleeve of Fi’s hoodie, and then laughs. “Shit, I’m sorry, your jumper.”
“Consider it your personal toilet roll,” Fi says.
Dee laughs again and then sniffles. “Ugh. Fuck. I’m such a bloody mess of a human being.”
“Will you tell me what’s wrong before I have a heart attack please. What did I do?”
“Nothing. Like seriously, nothing. This is just what I’m like. I get weird for no reason.”
“I shouldn’t have laughed about the sex stuff,” Fi says. “That was bad girlfriend behaviour.”
Dee smiles, and then her chin quivers and a tear rolls down her cheek. She wipes it away quickly and takes a deep breath. “It’s not your fault. I’m just…” She sighs deeply, shakily. “I’m scared.”
Fi is absolutely overcome with the need to hold her. “Can I— can you come here? I really want to hug you. If that’s ok.” She opens her arms hesitantly, half expecting to be rejected.
Dee crawls over right away and lets Fi wrap her arms tight around her shoulders. Fi squeezes and fights the urge to panic when Dee starts crying for real against her shoulder. She just holds her and lets her feel whatever she’s feeling, even though it kills her not to know why she’s feeling it.
Dee quiets after a few minutes and wipes her nose on the sweater, again, and laughs, again. “Fuck.”
“It’s ok,” Fi murmurs. She impresses herself with how steady her own voice is.
“I’m a fucking mess.”
“Nope.”
“I got snot all over your jumper.”
“I’m not bothered,” Fi assures. “It’s already green anyway.”
“Oi. Gross.”
“You started it,” Fi says playfully.
“...Fair enough.”
“You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to, but…. you said you were scared?”
Dee takes a moment before she answers. She turns herself around so that she’s leaning her back against Fi’s chest. “Maybe scared is the wrong word. This is just… a lot.”
Fi tries not to let the panic take hold. “Too much?”
“No. Fuck no. I don’t mean like that. It’s just like… I dunno. I’m not used to like, feeling this happy?”
“You’re happy?”
Dee laughs. “Ok, I know it doesn’t look like it right now but yeah. I am. Like really happy. I guess that’s what’s scary. Or overwhelming, maybe. It feels too good to be true.”
“It kind of feels like that for me too.” She wraps her arms around Dee’s middle, clasping her hands together in the pocket of Dee’s hoodie. “But it’s not too good. It’s just the amount of good that you deserve.”
Dee hides her face in her sweater paws. “Don’t. Don’t make me cry again. You are too good. You’re the best person I’ve ever known and I’m just… me. It doesn’t make sense.”
“Yeah, you’re you. That’s why it does make sense.”
“Even though I get kinda depressed for no reason sometimes?”
Fi nods, digging her chin into Dee’s shoulder.
“And even though I’m too stupid and young and inexperienced to know how to make you come?”
“Well that remains to be seen, doesn’t it?” Fi purrs, hoping she sounds seductive.
“That… that just makes me feel terrified all over again.”
“I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about it anymore. We don’t even have to touch each other. We can go slow. Or—”
“I don’t wanna go slow. I spent years in denial and having sex that made me feel sad afterwards more often than not. I’m half in love with you already and I think about you all the time and you’re the prettiest girl in the world and also the coolest and I still can’t believe I’m here in your bed in your arms and I don’t wanna go slow. I don’t.”
“Ok,” Fi says softly. “I don’t either. But please don’t worry about anything. I reckon all you’d have to do is touch me next time and I’d be done. Like it wouldn’t take hardly any effort at all, that’s how bloody into you I am.”
“Can I tell you a secret?” Dee whispers.
“Yeah. I wanna know all your secrets.”
“I think about you when I wank.”
This time it’s Fi’s turn to hide her face, in Dee’s bright green hood. She feels a rush of blood move downwards even just at the words, let alone the mental image. “I think about you too. And those dailybooth photos.”
“I only ever posted those for you anyway.”
“Well thank you. They made me feel like a giant perv but… I enjoyed them. Let’s just leave it at that.”
“I feel like I should know what I’m doing given how often I think about doing things to you,” Dee says. “I think about it too much. I definitely don’t think you’re the perv in this relationship.”
“What kind of things?” Fi asks in Dee’s ear, her voice gone low.
“Like how badly I wanna eat you out.”
She hides her face again and the tingling between her legs intensifies. She’s afraid to say anything because she doesn’t want to contribute to Dee feeling apprehensive about anything else today, but the selfish part of her, the part that’s been turned on almost continually since last night with no release wants to tell her to just go ahead and do that right the fuck now.
“Even though I’d be terrible at it,” Dee mumbles.
“You wouldn’t,” Fi insists. “It’s literally not possible.”
“Would you even want that?”
Fi snorts. She can’t help it. “Now you’re just being stupid.”
“Maybe I just wanna hear you say you want me to do that.”
“I don’t want you to get scared though,” Fi whispers.
“I won’t, I promise. No more meltdowns.”
“In that case, yeah. I want you to do that. So much. I want everything with you. I’m wet just thinking about it.”
Dee twists her head round to look into Fi’s eyes.
“Sorry. Too much,” Fi mumbles.
“Do you wanna do that to me too?” Dee asks softly.
“I’ll do it right now if you want.”
Dee turns herself around then, sitting in Fi’s lap and wrapping her legs around her waist. She links her wrists behind Fi’s neck and leans down to kiss her.
“I want it,” Dee whispers. “But I’m still a little scared.”
“Then we’ll wait. We have all the time in the world.”
Dee makes a sad face. “I have to leave tomorrow.”
“You’ll come back. And I’ll come see you. We’ll see each other all the time. And when we can’t see each other we’ll skype every night.”
“Promise?”
Fi kisses her. “Yep.”
-
They take turns showering and using Fi’s GHDs. They get dressed properly and eat more cereal and drink more coffee and play Rock Band in the lounge until the sun goes down. They order pizza and eat too much of it while they watch tv, Dee’s long legs wrapped in tight black denim and stretched out over Fi’s lap.
“Are we still gonna film something?” Dee asks absentmindedly, nibbling on some crust.
“Do you want to?”
“Yeah.”
“For whose channel?” Fi asks.
“Mmm. Yours.”
“Yeah?”
Dee smiles, leaning in and kissing her cheek. “Mhm. We can do something for mine next time.”
“What are we gonna do though?”
Dee shrugs. “We can just turn on the camera and see what happens. You’ll use your jesus editing skills and make it into something good no matter what anyway.”
“You really overestimate my abilities but I’m not gonna argue. It’s nice to feel like someone actually thinks I’m good at something.”
“Oh shut up, you’re the best. I wouldn’t be on YouTube if it wasn’t for you.”
Fi’s heart is bursting, but she tries to keep it together. Today has been emotional enough. She squeezes Dee’s foot as acknowledgement of how much that means to her and says, “We should think of some kind of angle.”
“Hmm. Maybe… a q&a? You could tweet people to ask you questions and I’ll ask them on camera?”
“Ooh I like that,” Fi says. “See you’re good at this too. I dunno if we’ll get anything good though.”
“I’ll make up my own questions if your useless fans don’t come through. I’m your biggest fan anyway. And there are some things I’d like to know.” She rubs her palms together theatrically.
“You could just ask,” Fi laughs. “You don’t need this elaborate scheme.”
Dee ignores her and throws the remnants of her pizza crust back in the box. “You tweet now. I have to get ready.”
-
Fi is sat cross-legged on her bed watching the mirrored reflection of Dee leaning over the dresser and putting on her makeup. She doesn’t need it and Fi has already told her that twice, but there’s no denying she looks amazing with a little winged liner and long black eyelashes.
Maybe Fi should be getting herself ready instead of just staring like a lovesick puppy, but she’s never really been one for makeup herself, and the spell of Dee’s beauty hasn’t even come close to wearing off on her yet. She’d be happy just to watch her all day, but the way she’s bent right now has her lower back curved and her bottom stuck out in a way that makes it impossible for Fi to look away.
Dee’s mouth is open slightly as she coats her lips in a deep pink colour. Fi doesn’t know enough to say with any certainty that it matches her skin tone or brings out her eyes or any of the other things she’s heard people say about this kind of stuff, but she knows that it looks gorgeous and makes her want to kiss it off immediately so it must be a good shade.
Even though she’d probably want to kiss it off even if it was bright yellow or the deepest black.
“You’re pretty,” she says stupidly.
Dee turns to look at her and smiles. “You are.”
“Not like you.”
“Shut up.”
Fi grins. “Why don’t you come make me?”
“Because I just put my face on and I don’t want you to mess it up.”
“Fine. I’m definitely gonna mess it up later though, fair warning.”
“Are you gonna put any on?” Dee asks.
“I thought you were my biggest fan. My biggest fan would know I pretty much never bother with makeup.”
“Because you don’t need it. Because you’re already perfect.”
Fi rolls her eyes, but it does feel nice to hear. “Come put some on me if you want.”
“Really?”
“Why not?”
Dee looks thrilled as she grabs her bag of stuff and walks over to the bed. She sits down in front of Fi and frowns slightly as she stares at her face.
“This is intimidating,” Fi says.
“Shush. I’m trying to decide what to do.”
“I vote for minimalism.”
Dee cocks her head to the side. “Ok. Maybe just lips, then. What colour d’you want?”
Fi takes a few seconds to think. She really isn’t bothered at all about the colour. “Mm, maybe the same one as you.”
“Yeah?”
She nods. “I like the idea of us matching like that.”
Dee leans forward and pushes the tips of their noses together. “Me too.” She takes the lipstick out and holds Fi’s chin in her hand so gently. “Pucker a little,” she murmurs.
This was a mistake, Fi thinks. All she can think of now is how badly she wants to kiss her. But Dee is being so careful and so meticulous and so gentle. When she’s done she caps the lipstick and pushes her own lips together to demonstrate what she wants Fi to do.
“Goddamnit,” she says.
“What?” Fi asks. “Not good.”
“No, it’s really good. It looks better on you than it does on me. Not fair.”
“Oh, shut up. Can I go look?”
Dee nods. Fi walks over to the mirror and leans in close to get a good look.
It does look good. She doesn’t know anything about this stuff but even she knows that it looks good. It makes her blue eyes pop. It sounds stupid to think even in her own head, but it’s definitely true.
“You see?” Dee asks.
Fi rejoins her on the bed and pulls out her phone to check Twitter. “Don’t get used to it. Keeping up with my hair is bad enough.”
“Anything good?” Dee asks as Fi scrolls.
“Uh…”
There isn’t. There really isn’t. There are maybe three or four questions here they could use. The rest are crass and awful, just like she should have known they would be. Just like the majority of her comments almost always are. She still hasn’t learned not to let that bother her.
Dee takes the phone gently and scrolls through herself, her frown deepening the further into it she gets. “God your fans are fucking terrible.”
“Not all of them,” Fi says weakly. “I just think the assholes are louder.”
“I’ll make up my own questions. We don’t need these fuckers.”
“We don’t,” Fi agrees. Dee’s anger reminds her of that time months ago when she’d been scrolling through the comments on a newly posted video. They‘d been worse than usual and Fi had realized too late that she hadn’t covered herself up enough to protect from the pigs and the trolls. She hadn’t been thinking about her outfit before she turned the camera on and she’d paid for it in the comments.
Dee’s anger now reminds Fi of the anger she’d seen then, the fierceness of Dee’s defence against the comments she’d gotten that day. It’s part of what made her fall in love so hard and so fast. Dee’s passion for fighting for what what is right, for railing against anything that would seek to do Fi harm.
“I think I only need you,” Fi says softly.
Dee smiles, handing the phone back to Fi. “Give me five minutes to write out some questions and then we can do this.”
-
Dee lies underneath her, stunned but grinning. “What’d you do that for, you nutter?”
Fi’s heart is pounding, adrenaline rushing through her body as she pins Dee to the bright green carpet of her bedroom floor. “Dunno. I just like you a bit.”
“We should turn the camera off. I think it’s time for you to mess up my lipstick.”
-
They hold hands in the pocket of Fi’s jacket on the bus to Manchester. Fi’s heart is heavy knowing she has to say goodbye already, knowing she has to watch Dee get on a train and drive in the wrong direction. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair.
They split a pair of headphones and listen to Muse and watch the trees and their changing leaves out the window. Fi wishes the ride was longer. She’s never wished that before but she is now, with everything she has.
Even in this sad kind of silence between them she feels more at home than she ever has before. She’s not ready to say goodbye to that feeling.
It’s warm for October, but Fi shivers when the voice on the loudspeakers says it’s time for Dee’s train to start boarding. It’s too soon, much too soon.
They haven’t spoken more than a few words since they left Fi’s house. Dee’s eyes are red.
“We’re being silly,” Fi whispers as she wraps her arms around Dee’s shoulders. “I’ll see you again in less than two weeks.”
Dee squeezes around Fi’s middle and nods. If Fi hears a wet sniffle she pretends she doesn’t. If she starts crying too she won’t be able to stop.
They hold each other for too long. People might be noticing, might be drawing conclusions, but Fi doesn’t give a shit, actually. Just for today, just for right now she’s going to hug her girlfriend and even kiss the side of her face because she can’t bear the thought of a platonic goodbye.
“Text me,” she says, pulling away finally because she can’t be the reason Dee misses her train. “And ring me tonight, yeah?”
Dee nods. “I don’t wanna go.”
“I don’t want you to go. But I’ll see you in London in…” She counts off in her head. “Ten days.”
Dee nods again, slinging her backpack up higher over her shoulder. “I don’t wanna say goodbye.”
“So don’t,” Fi says.
Dee smiles through what Fi can tell are imminent tears and gives her one last little nod before turning around and boarding her train. Fi watches her find her seat and waves when their eyes meet again.
She bites down on her lip as the train drives away, shoves her hands in her pockets and forces herself not to make this into more than it is. It’s not goodbye, it’s just… see you later. She remembers what she said to Dee just yesterday; we have all the time in the world.
Her phone buzzes against her cold fingers.
miss you already bby
All she can think to send back right now is <3
She thinks it’s enough.