Chapter Text
After the first day of training, she quickly fell into a familiar routine. Every morning she was forced to engage Imra in hand-to-hand combat, already somewhat skilled due to her black belt and boxing lessons, but nowhere near at the same skill level as her SO, and she came home black and blue at the end of the day, most of the time with Kara to gently kiss them all as Lena found herself in her bed at night. After their initial reservations, it had become surprisingly easy, and more often than not, they were each other’s release. After a stressful day, a disappointing date, or purely for the sheer pleasure of it, they would seek each other out late at night, before going back to their own beds.
To keep things casual, they went on dates too. Mostly just Kara, but she’d eventually coaxed Lena into going on a few, sheepishly confiding in her that sometimes she felt like she was using her, and it would ease her conscience if she gave it a try. Lena didn’t know how to tell her that what they had was perfect, leaving her without the bothers of trying to fit and please someone else in her life. Nevertheless, she did go on a few dates. There had been a Tibetan woman called Veronica, who Kara had set her up with after patching up a few drunks outside the bar the woman owned. They’d gone to an Italian restaurant and out for cocktails, before making it back to the woman’s flashy apartment on the East Side of the city. Lena had left as soon as they’d finished, making no pretences of why she was really there, and that was the last she’d seen of her.
Her training progressed quickly, with her jumping straight into learning the computer software, analysing data, learning code breaking, coding and communications. She was put through three months of weapons familiarisation, showing off the skills one could only pick up from growing up around said weapons. Her aim was near perfect. There was toxicology, learning about poisonous substances and how to counteract them, explosives and bomb defusal at a facility in the desert a few hours south of National City, surveillance and reconnaissance lessons for a week in Metropolis with an agent called Helena Bertinelli, who she spent more than one night with while she was there. There was a resistance to intelligence program, consisting of her being essentially kidnapped before reaching the DEO headquarters and taken to an unfamiliar location, stripped and locked inside a dark room. She was left alone for an unknown amount of time, before taken to a different room and questioned for hours by unfamiliar interrogators. It was thrilling in the sense that it all seemed fantastical, like something out of a spy movie, but she never treated it as anything other than serious, and at times when she was flown across the country, the weight of her situation settled heavily upon her.
Over the course of her training, Kara turned twenty-four, she turned twenty-two, and Ducky turned four, and things stayed much the same as they had before, with only a few changes. They still went to the park on weekends to feed the ducks, went to the movies to watch the latest kids films, and when Lena decided to re-enroll in karate lessons to brush up on her self-defence, deciding that Laurel was old enough to start too, Kara volunteered as well, coming whenever she wasn’t at work. To any outsiders, it would’ve looked like they were the perfect, loving family. Except that her and Kara weren’t a couple.
Yet there were moments that caught Lena off-guard, making her pause to check that there was nothing there. She knew her own heart well enough to know that she didn’t love Kara, beyond the deep affection held towards her friend, but there were times when even she wasn’t quite sure what they were doing. Kara went on frequent dates - more than she did - going for dinner and drinks nearly every weekend, often coming home before midnight to cuddle up on the sofa with Lena and watch TV, and Lena knew that there was nothing there, but the amount of time they spent together made her a little concerned.
They were still young, too young to be serious about anything, and Lena was too preoccupied with giving her daughter as much attention as she could when she was home, but Kara was free to do what she wanted, and aside from a near-weekly date, she spent all of her free time with Lena. Although, quite often those times were spent at game nights with their friends, visiting bars and eating out, so it wasn’t always just the two of them, but Lena worried that this was all there was for them. She wanted better than casual sex for Kara, and deep down, she knew she wasn’t the person who was able to give her more than that.
But nothing came of her worries, and it wasn’t long after she’d finished her training when Kara told her that she’d started seeing someone. It had been a while since she’d been on more than one date with the same person, and Lena was thrilled for her, eagerly asking questions as she felt relief wash over her. His name was Mike, Kara had told her, and he was a stockbroker for one of the top firms in National City. But it was nothing serious yet, just a few dates, and Kara would still come home with that look in her eye that would have Lena knocking on her door late at night.
As Lena got sucked into her work, spending most days sitting behind a desk, scanning computer screens as she filtered through the streams of data about her family, laughing with Imra and the other coworkers she’d gotten to know, offering up snippets of relevant information as they kept tabs on her brother’s movements, she was glad that Kara was otherwise occupied at times. A part of her was hesitant to admit that it was in part due to the fact that she could feel something bad brewing - she wasn’t sure how she knew it, but she did, because things had been too quiet for too long - and she wanted Kara to have someone if something happened to her. She’d have her sister and friends, of course, but from what Lena had gathered, Mike was nice, and Kara seemed happy whenever she came home after seeing him. It was good for her.
Still, sometimes, Kara didn’t seem to realise what she had, and was quick to cancel dates to help Lena when she needed a last minute babysitter, or to stay in and watch movies and order take out with her. It was how they’d always managed things, picking up after each other, swapping favours and working around each other so in sync that they didn’t even have to communicate things half of the time. But Lena found the more that Kara blew Mike off, the more that she didn’t want her to. Yet, Kara did it anyway, and was happy to. She’d insist that a night in with her favourite girl was better than any date, and Lena would roll her eyes as she got ready for a work emergency, kissing them both on the cheek as she left them snuggled up on the sofa watching Bambi or another movie.
The fact of the matter was that Kara cared . Too much at times, sacrificing her own wants for other people, yet she did it anyway and never complained. It was just who she was. She was always so sunny and warm that Lena couldn’t even contemplate the idea of not knowing her, not having her around to cheer her up, to talk about their day as they lay side by side, sweat drying on their skin as they ate cups of chocolate pudding she’d fetched from the fridge. Sometimes she felt like she relied on Kara too much, and that scared her even more than the thought of never having found her, because she knew that it was all temporary. It wouldn’t last forever, no matter how much fun they were having. And maybe it would be with Mike, or maybe someone else, but eventually it would all end, and even the thought of it filled Lena with so much sadness that she would stamp the thoughts down, lock them away and pretend that it would always be how it was right then.
For the time being, it didn’t seem like Kara was in a rush to change anything though, and as the weeks passed by, and Christmas fast approached, she was content to see Mike at her convenience. It was halfway through December, and a particularly stormy night, the weather quite cool for California at that time of the year, when she’d made the effort to see Mike after putting him off all week, the promise of pizza and movies at his place enticing her out of the apartment. She left Lena to read over some work stuff and sort out Laurel for bed.
And then the power had gone out after a particularly loud crack of thunder, followed immediately by lightning. The darkness had been nearly suffocating, and Lena had had to swallow her unease as her daughter had started crying, hands clamped over her ears as she buried her head in Lena’s chest. She’d used her phone torch to light the way as she led them back to her room, and had resigned herself to spending the rest of the night trying to get Laurel to calm down in her bed, using her for the comfort as much as Laurel needed her mother’s.
Sleep had been a long time coming for the little girl, clinging to Lena with fear at the loud bangs outside, and Lena had held her tightly, creating her own stories when she ran out of nursery rhymes, all the while stroking the dark curls and kissing her on the top of her head. But eventually, even the storm lured her to sleep, and Lena was somewhat relieved, glad that her daughter would get some rest, even if the darkness kept sleep at bay for her.
But then the door had opened not too long later, and Lena felt a prickle of worry run down her spine, realising that she’d forgotten to lock the deadbolt and draw the chain across before going to bed. The telltale quiet taps on the hardwood floor made her body go slack though, as the realisation that it was Kara dawned on her, and she patiently waited as the noise grew louder, until there was a gentle tap on her door and it swung inwards a moment later.
“You’re home,” Lena murmured in surprise, shining her phone torch on Kara as she walked into the room, slipping her heels off and leaving them on the floor.
“Yeah,” Kara whispered, giving her a wide smile as she brushed damp hair out of her face and unzipped her dress, while Lena spluttered, sitting up slightly as she gave Kara a wide-eyed look.
“Kara! Ducky’s in here,” she hissed, momentarily panicking as she glanced down at the child sleeping beside here, wondering if Kara had been drinking and had lost all thought as she stripped off her clothes.
Quietly snorting, Kara tossed her rain soaked dress onto the floor too, turning to rummage through Lena’s drawers as another rumble of thunder made the windows rattle. Pulling on a pair of Lena’s pyjamas, Kara turned and climbed onto the bed, jostling the mattress as she climbed over Lena and the figure of her sleeping daughter, before slipping beneath the covers and burrowing up next to the warmth radiating from them.
“The power went out,” Kara quietly spoke as she stared up at the ceiling, the blankets tucked up under her chin, “and I know you- well … the dark. I came home to- to make sure that you - both of you - were okay.”
Softly sighing, Lena turned and gave her a gentle look, full of warmth and affection, even if a part of her felt embarrassed at the fact that her roommate her cut her date short and hurried home because she didn’t want Lena to be afraid of the dark. “You didn’t have to-”
“I wanted to,” Kara softly cut her off, turning her head to the side to smile up at Lena, her features blurred by the shadowy dimness of the room.
They fell silent after that, booming cracks of thunder disturbing the hushed quietness of the night, while rain pattered against the windows and lightning split the darkness with blinding whiteness, briefly illuminating the room at intervals. Huddled up beneath the blankets, sharing their warmth, with Laurel tucked in the middle, they listened to the storm rage on, and Lena didn’t find it so scary with Kara there. She even drifted off to sleep first, her head lolling onto Kara’s shoulder as she slumbered, oblivious to her roommate gently stroking her hair as she lay awake a little while longer, brooding over her own thoughts.
Lena woke the next morning to find her head on Kara’s chest, her daughter on the opposite side of the blonde woman, with her head on Kara’s stomach, the blankets draped across the three of them while Kara had an arm limply wrapped around each of them. A jolt of surprise shocked Lena out of her sleepy thoughts as she realised that she’d slept the night through, feeling well rested and warm inside, and she gingerly pushed herself up off Kara and rolled over to the cold, empty side of the bed. It wasn’t so much the physical closeness that made her uneasy, because they’d been as intimate as possible so many times that they didn’t even blink at it anymore, but it was the fact that it was intimate, in its own way. A different way. And Lena wasn’t quite sure how to process it.
She found it easier to dismiss it as nothing but the natural gravitation of the subconscious parts of them that craved human contact, and left it at that. To think of it as anything more made her worried that perhaps Kara was more invested in it than she was. But there were no signs of anything more than friendship, albeit, an extremely close one, but even their friends were oblivious to what went on behind closed doors. Or Lena hoped they were, at any rate. None of them had so much as raised the topic since the trial, and her and Kara were as normal as ever around each other, giving no cause for suspicion.
But there were the secret looks sometimes, and the casual touches that could easily betray how comfortable they were with the contact, and Lena found herself raising it with Kara on more than one occasion, only for her concerns to be brushed aside. It seemed that Kara was even less bothered by things between them than before, and more than once, Lena wondered if she was looking for a sign to bring things to an end, before it all blew up in their faces. If there was one thing she knew, it was that nothing was perfect, no matter how much it seemed like it was. As the New Year came and went, along with Kara’s birthday, where she met Mike for the first time, she found herself questioning whether or not it would be best to end it now. End it soon, so that Kara would be free to make things serious with him, and she could stop being paranoid about whether she was reading too much into things.
She never brought it up with Kara though, no matter how much she tried to convince herself too, because they were having fun, and why should they stop if there wasn’t any need to? But it didn’t make a difference, because February arrived, and with it came a conversation that Lena had been hoping to have, but in a much different way. It wasn’t quite the breaking point she’d been expecting, when everything went to shit, but nonetheless, it was the beginning of the very slow descent into everything falling apart. In some ways, she’d seen it coming, but when it did, it was still like a punch to the gut, and as much as they said nothing would change, it did, because how could it not?
It had been a nice evening up until that point, a clear night as the end of winter came into sight, and they were cooking in the kitchen, the speakers playing soft music as they chopped and stirred, chatted and laughed. It was the same as a dozen other nights they’d had, although perhaps the new recipe they were trying was a little more ambitious, and they’d helped themselves to a glass of wine each as they cooked. Earlier on, they’d been dancing, when Laurel was still awake, spinning the little girl in circles, laughing at Kara’s ridiculous dance moves, and holding hands as they jumped around, enjoying the silliness of it. They’d since put Laurel to bed, tucking her in with her duck and a bedtime story, and the night had turned quiet, coming to a natural lull.
And then the mood had shifted, ever so slightly, for Lena at least, and she’d walked up behind Kara and held her waist for a moment, before pressing a soft kiss to the back of her neck. It was something she’d done before, and it always made Kara squirm as she laughed at the tickling feeling, her cheeks flushing and her eyes sparkling with mischief. It had always led to their clothes on her bedroom floor. Yet, this time, at the featherlight touch to her neck, she’d stiffened, her shoulders rising as her back went taut, and Lena immediately stepped backwards, dropping her hands as if she’d been burnt. Eyes wide with alarm, she stared at Kara’s back, feeling suddenly guilty, as if she’d overstepped. Whenever they’d never been in the mood before, a gentle touch had been gently dissuaded with a small smile and an easy rejection, but never had one of them reacted so coldly, stiffening and closing themselves off immediately. Lena paused for a moment, waiting for Kara to tell her that she wasn’t in the mood, she was tired from the morning shift, and perhaps tomorrow they could, but she silently continued to chop.
“Is everything okay?” Lena eventually ventured the question, “are things with this guy-”
“Mike.”
“Yes, Mike … is it serious? Do you not ...”
Sighing, Kara forcefully chopped a potato in half, while Lena leant against the counters, head cocked to the side as she looked up at her expectantly. Taking in the lips pressed into a thin line, as if willing herself not to speak, Lena watched as Kara hunched her shoulders slightly, carefully cutting up the peeled potatoes and dumping them into a waiting pot, and Lena’s forehead puckered with a frown. Reaching out, she hesitantly touched Kara on the shoulder, just a brief touch to make her look at her, before withdrawing her hand and looking up at her with wide eyes. A flicker of concern flashed through Lena, and she couldn’t help but doubt herself for a moment, wondering if perhaps she’d offended Kara in some way. But everything had been fine up until now - better than fine. And now, Kara was being standoffish, and Lena didn’t like it.
“It’s okay, Kara. I mean, I know you don’t need my permission, but if you feel bad ending it, then you shouldn’t. It’s been fun, but it was only temporary, right?”
She pushed off the counters and walked over to the stove to check the red wine jus, simmering away as they talked. Carefully scooping out the cloves of garlic and the sprig of lavender, Lena dipped the spoon in to try it, humming appreciatively, before she turned to walk back over to Kara and offer her a taste. As she turned, facing the taut shoulders of her roommate, hands braced against the edge of the counters as she hung her head down, Kara spoke.
“I love you,” she blurted out, and Lena froze, blinking in surprise as she held the wooden spoon in hand, looking about as she tried to figure out what to do. Turning back to the stove, she dumped it back in the pan with a quiet clatter, drops of scarlet sauce splashing as she did so. Wiping her hands on a dish towel, she hesitantly cleared her throat, crossing her arms over her chest as she leant back against the counters across from Kara, still staring at her back. She hadn’t moved, hadn’t said anything else to elaborate, and Lena felt her throat close up as she frowned. Finally, with a heavy sigh, Kara tipped her head back, her body relaxing slightly, before she turned around and gave Lena a surprisingly tender look, a soft smile on her lips and a yearning in her eyes.
“I love you in a way that you don't want me to, in a way that's more than friends should, and I know that’s on me, but I can’t- I can’t use you … like that anymore, because it means something different to me, and I just … I don’t want to keep secrets from you. So that’s why, and it doesn’t- it won’t change anything, but you deserve to know the truth, so …”
Opening and closing her mouth, Lena was left speechless for a moment, a deep ache in her chest as pity rose within, because even though Kara wasn’t asking for anything, Lena could see the spark of hope in her eyes that Lena would tell her the same. That she loved her - was in love with her - and it left Lena feeling hollow and cruel, because she couldn’t tell her that. And she didn’t want to reject her either, but she couldn’t lead her on. Drawing in a shuddering breath, Lena gave her a pleading look, willing Kara to understand, and she didn’t even have to say anything for Kara to flinch slightly, quickly turning around to hide her cheeks flushed red with embarrassment.
“Oh Kara,” Lena softly sighed, her shoulders slumped with defeat, “you’re my best friend, you know that, but I-”
“We don’t have to talk about it,” Kara bluntly cut her off, resuming her chopping as the back of her neck turned red.
Opening her mouth to object, to insist that they should, to make sure that they were on the same page, that everything was okay between them, but everything about Kara’s body language warned her off pushing her. Closing her mouth, Lena turned around to the jus and silently got a clean pan out in preparation for their steaks. She could feel her own cheeks warming too, regret uncomfortably knotting in her stomach as Kara refused to look at her. It wasn’t out of unkindness that she gently let her down, but out of honesty, yet it didn’t ease Lena’s guilt to know that she’d at least somewhat wounded Kara’s heart in her rejection.
“But-”
“Can you cut the ends off the asparagus, please,” Kara brusquely asked, all but pushing the green stalks into Lena’s hands as the other woman stood there, looking at her with surprise and a wounded look on her face. In some ways, it was as if she’d been rejected too. They’d had a perfect routine going, a comfortable relationship without any worries about pleasing someone, finding time for them and worrying about slotting them into the life they already had, and Kara had ended it. And that wasn’t what rankled Lena, it was the fact that in a matter of seconds, the issue had been brushed aside, and as far as Lena could tell, put to bed.
Slowly walking over to the counters near the stove, Lena plucked a clean knife from the holder, glancing back over her shoulder with a frown on her face, before she turned back towards the asparagus and started to chop the ends off. She’d barely started when the sound of a knife clattering on the unit made her look back over her shoulder.
“I forgot, we, uh, we need milk,” Kara said to the floor, quickly rounding the counters as she snatched her keys and purse from the unit beside the door. Barely even pausing to pluck a coat from the rack, she fumbled with the locks, while Lena spluttered.
“Kara-”
The door quietly slammed before she could tell her to wait, and she reached out to yank open the fridge door, revealing two pints of milk already in there. Gritting her teeth, she clenched her fist around the knife in frustration, her eyes burning slightly for some reason, and she slowly returned to making dinner. Alone this time. She barely touched it when it was ready, the food bland and thick in her mouth, and she left a plate dished up for Kara on the counter, before heading to bed, too drained to even bother switching on a light.
She was still awake when the soft sound of the door opening reached her ears, and she knew better than to get up and see her. Instead, she lay awake, the ache in her chest making her feel more alone than ever, and she found herself searching for a sliver of love. Something more than platonic, something that she could give back to Kara, and no matter how much she tried to tell herself that perhaps she did love Kara, she couldn’t find it. There was no burning passion, no sensation that made her feel like her heart was about to burst with love, and she felt angry tears spring to her eyes, angrily rubbing them away.
They’d been sleeping together for a year, having fun, alleviating stress and diffusing some of their bottled up tension, and with the simple mention of love, the tension was so heavy that she couldn’t even sleep. It was all she could think about all night, and when the sun rose, her eyes were burning with tiredness from the sleepless night, and she was weighed down heavily with the guilt of the simple misfortune that she couldn’t force herself to love the one person she knew was too good for her to begin with.