Chapter Text
Grey light was filtering in through the gap between the drawn curtains, the rumble of cars passing by nothing but a muffled hum outside the window, and the room comfortably warm as the radiator creaked, infusing the room with heat as Lena lay beneath the covers. She was wide awake, although her eyes burned and her entire body felt drained. She’d slept at some point, after she’d exhausted herself crying in Kara’s arms, and Imra had come and taken Laurel off to her bedroom to play with some toys. In a daze, she’d stared up at Kara in disbelief, almost unable to believe that she was there, but then, of course she’d come, because it was Kara, but Lena had wanted her so badly and it felt almost too good to be true that she’d come. Coaxed into bed, she’d cuddled up next to her best friend, suppressing hiccuping sobs as she leached comforting warmth from Kara, breathing in her perfume and letting her eyelids flutter closed at the gentle fingers stroking her hair.
She’d woken a short while ago to the greyness of a wintry dawn, an emptiness inside her and a leaden feeling to her body, until she’d shifted and looked at Kara. Her friend was sleeping, eyes darting from side to side beneath closed eyelids, perfect pouting lips parted, her blonde curls splayed across the pillows, and Lena had felt warmth pool in her stomach, keeping the numbing coldness at bay. A nervousness welled up inside as she watched Kara sleep, settling on her side, taking in the way the shadows hugged the curve of her cheekbone, made her eyelashes cast long shadows across her golden skin, and the way that her lips would tug up into a smile every few moments, as if she was dreaming of something funny. Lena’s stomach lurched at the nervous feeling, her heart stumbling slightly at the sudden rush of love making its presence known. Know that she could name it, it was so obvious. How often had she felt that same twisting feeling in her stomach? The hollow fluttering feeling like trapped butterflies in her stomach, the warmth that came with the rush of homecoming she got from looking at Kara and earning one of those tender smiles that were so quick to come. She wanted to laugh at how stupidly naive she’d been, how blind and dismissive, how oblivious to it all. Under different circumstances, perhaps she would’ve laughed, but she just lay there in silence, her lips pressed into a thin line as her face was drawn with grief.
Of course, she knew that nothing was different between them. Lena had come to the assumption that Querl had informed Hank, who’d sent Imra to London to continue the investigation, and send Lena back, and Imra had taken Kara for moral support, knowing that she was the comfort Lena would need. It didn’t mean that things had changed because Lena had figured out her feelings. With a bitter feeling, she lay there watching her friend, and couldn’t help but see the wry humour in it, that she was a psychologist in criminal profiling, predicting the next moves of some of the biggest names in the DEO’s database, and she couldn’t even predict herself falling in love with her best friend. Some profiler she was.
It was amusing in the awful, not funny at all kind of way too, because she could’ve had Kara, but she hadn’t realised what she could’ve had at the time, and now she was troubled by the thought of what she was going to do now. She understood how Kara had felt. Lena couldn’t admit her feelings and mess up the life Kara had created for herself while Lena had been gone, and even if she told her, if she still picked Mike, then she’d have to face the same rejection she’d put Kara through. At the moment, she wasn’t in a good place, without having her fragile feelings and thin hope squashed by her friend, who hadn’t looked at her with anything but pity all night.
Rolling onto her back, she stared up at the ceiling, listening to the gentle sounds of Kara breathing, soothing the rawness of the loss of Jack, and she lay there for what seemed like forever. It was strange that she felt at peace, that Kara’s presence could be so calming in the face of something so awful, and Lena felt bad for thinking it, but when she’d regained enough consciousness to form a thought after he’d been shot, she hadn’t wanted him back, she’d just wanted Kara. When she was all alone and hurting, it was Kara that her heart had turned to, aching with the need for her, and Lena knew without a doubt that her feelings were true. It only made her more troubled to think about the mess she’d gotten herself into.
Turning back to her friend, she watched her sleep peacefully, her cheeks a little flushed from the warmth of the room, and Lena had to fight the urge to reach out and caress the side of her face, wanting to brush her hair out of her face and feel the soft curve of her cheekbone beneath her fingertips. Almost as if sensing Lena watching her, Kara stirred, gently at first, her eyelashes fluttering against her cheek, and then her breathing quickened and she stretched, nearly rolling into Lena, before she fully woke, her blue eyes boring into Lena’s.
“Good morning,” Lena whispered, the sudden urge to cry creeping up on her, for some indescribable reason. It wasn’t grief, it was more to do with longing, but she wasn’t quite sure if that’s what it was. All she knew was that a moment ago, she’d been fine, and then Kara had looked at her, and something inside her had broken slightly, and she’d been overcome with emotion. Just the warmth and tenderness of Kara’s gaze, the way her face softened as her lips curled into a smile, was enough to make Lena’s eyes burn and a lump form in her throat. For so long she’d thought that she wasn’t capable of love, was undeserving of it, but she felt it, really felt it, and she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t scared. But Kara was so warm that she just wanted her, and her confused feelings about it tumbled around together inside her, darkened by the guilt and grief of Jack. She should’ve been mourning the loss of her friend, not feeling comforted by the only person she’d ever opened herself up to.
“Hi,” Kara whispered, reaching out to brush Lena’s hair out of her face in the exact way Lena had wanted to do to her. Closing her eyes, Lena basked in the feeling of Kara’s fingers lingering on her cheekbone for a moment, before the touch disappeared and she opened her eyes again. “How’re you feeling?”
Taking a moment to think, pushing through all of the feelings roiling inside her, she let out a gentle sigh, her eyes closing as her body went slack on the mattress. “Tired,” Lena mumbled, finding that it was true. She was exhausted from feeling so many things, for the long day and the shock of losing Jack, from struggling to understand herself. That was the only word for it.
“Stay in bed,” Kara softly told her, running a hand over her hair as she pushed herself up, “I’ll make coffee and sort out Ducky.”
Unable to even find the effort to protest, to tell Kara that it was fine, that she’d be up in a second and make breakfast, like she’d done everyday, by herself, but her friend was already tucking her in and making for the door. Lying beneath the heavy blankets, she listened to the sound of Kara moving around in the kitchen, the clanging sound of mugs being pulled out, the sound of the fridge closing, and marvelled at the fact that Kara made anyplace feel like home just by being in it. Home was wherever she was, to Lena at least, and she would’ve been content to stay in London forever with Kara, as long as it meant they were together. She considered asking her to stay for a brief moment, imagining what her life would be like with Kara there with her, the three of them living in the apartment while Lena finished her job, filling in the gap that Jack had taken up residency in. With a heavy sigh, she knew that she’d never be able to ask that of her. But the mere thought of being left alone again filled her with a crushing fear.
The door cracked open a few minutes later, and she sluggishly pushed herself up slightly, giving Kara a small smile as she watched her push it open wider. Her smile grew, even if it trembled slightly with the effort, as Laurel wove her way around Kara’s legs and ran into the room, bare feet slapping against the wooden floor, and jumped onto the foot of the bed, quickly crawling up to Lena and flopping down on her chest, slightly winding her mother.
“Hi baby,” Lena murmured, kissing her daughter on the top of her head and freeing her arms of the blankets to wrap her in a tight hug, holding her against her chest.
She stayed in bed for most of the morning, reading book after book to Laurel, eating whatever Kara put in front of her, even though she wasn’t hungry, and shyly watching her friend whenever she was in the room. It was strange that she felt so shy around her, having always been so open and honest with her, but there was something about her secret feelings that made her pale cheeks turn slightly pink whenever she thought about it, whenever the feeling gently fluttered in her chest as she watched Kara fold her laundry, bring her water and tea, place a tray with steaming soup and fresh bread on her lap.
For three days, she let Kara look after her, almost filled with relief at the fact that she could just be and know that her daughter was loved and looked after, while she scrambled to figure out her feelings and tried to mourn her friend. The truth was that she wasn’t really sure how to mourn Jack. His death hurt, but the only other person she’d been close to that she’d lost had been her father, and Jack was a far cry from the kind of man he’d been. But she wasn’t falling to pieces, thinking that life couldn’t go on without him. He’d been a good friend, and he’d made it clear that there was the possibility that she could’ve been more to him, but for Lena, that had never really been an option. How was she supposed to mourn the man who had helped keep her together while she’d spent months pining over her best friend and ignoring his feelings for her? She felt awful that she hadn’t realised how lucky she’d been to have him, but the truth was that she wasn’t heartbroken, she just didn’t know where her place was now.
It was obviously back home in National City, and she’d been ordered back there by Hank, but in what position? In London, she’d had a purpose, she’d had someone devoted to her, and she’d kept her daughter safe, but back home, Kara had moved on, she was benched at work for an indefinite amount of time, and she’d be bringing Laurel back into the jaws of danger. It left her confused about what was the right thing to do. Ultimately, homesickness won, and she knew that she’d rather confront her brother surrounded by something familiar and with people she loved supporting her, than hide away with her daughter and wait for him to decide to end his chess game, all alone, with nothing to do but twiddle her thumbs.
After the third day, she asked Kara to go home and take Laurel with her. Protesting it at first, insisting that Lena come with her, Kara eventually conceded when Lena told her that she wanted to stay for the funeral, but didn’t want her daughter to be there for that. She had a lot to pack up too, and Imra and Querl would be there, even if they didn’t offer her the same kind of comfort that Kara did. At least Lena wouldn’t be alone, and she wouldn’t have to explain things properly to her daughter. She wasn’t ready for a proper discussion about death just yet, and in no state of mind to give it anyway. It would only be for a few days anyway, having been informed by a few of Jack’s coworkers, who’d got in contact to offer their condolences, that his funeral would be held that Saturday. She’d leave the day after that.
Despite her initial concern, Kara left, taking Laurel with her to give Lena the time she needed to tie up her life in London. She couldn’t deny that it was a huge relief to have been called back home to National City, even if it was under such tragic circumstances, and concern for her safety, and she was quick to pack up her meagre belongings she’d brought to the safehouse with her. When she was done, there was nothing but the sparsely decorated coldness that she’d been greeted with upon her arrival, none of the touches of a home brightening the place up, and she gave Imra a grim look, knowing that it would be the home to her friend for the next innumerable months. Lena almost felt guilty for condemning her friend to being away from her home, but Imra had just laughed at assured her that it was nice to be closer to home. She was already making plans to visit her parents in Kent, and Lena felt somewhat better with the knowledge that it wasn’t the same punishment or prison to Imra as it had felt like for her.
There was one more thing she had to do before she left though, and on Saturday morning, she woke to the bitter greyness of the day and dressed in all black, Imra and Querl accompanying her to the rundown church on the same estate as Jack’s dad’s house, where he’d been raised. There were a few dozen people crowded inside, most of them his coworkers, as well as the football team he played for on the weekends, a smattering of family from both sides, and a few other friends. Lena stood towards the back, unable to bring herself to look at the bowed shoulders of his grieving father, or get close to the closed casket at the front of the church. Instead, she stood stiffly at the back, her face a blank mask as she tried to fight back the guilt that welled up inside. If it hadn’t been for her, they never would’ve been partnered up, he’d still be alive, and he would’ve still been cracking jokes and frequenting his favourite pub to play cards and drink a few pints. Instead, she stood there through the whole service, listening to the sniffles and sobs, and then watched as he was lowered into an earthy grave, right beside his mother.
She stayed a while afterwards, bundled up in her coat, her hands buried in her pockets as she stood in front of the mound of black dirt, the damp, earthy smell surrounding her as she hunched her shoulders to the frigid wind and the icy pricks of rain as a light drizzle swept through the city. Staring down at the muddy ground in front of her, reading the words carved into the slab of marble at the head of the grave, she fought back the urge to cry, anger building inside her as she blamed herself for this. A sadness weighed down her heart as she thought of Jack beneath the ground, his body cold and stiff, his warm brown eyes never to crease at the corners again, his lips never quick to curl up into another smile, his body disintegrating within the suit they’d buried him in.
“I’ll catch him,” she eventually said, resting a hand against the cold, wet stone, her face streaked with rain and a few tears, “for both of us.”
Leaving without another glance backwards, she caught a taxi back to her apartment, sitting numbly in the back seat as bustling London carried on around her, unawares of the grief and pain she had locked away inside her. Mumbling a thank you to the driver, she climbed out and slowly plodded upstairs, barely able to make her leaden feet take another step, and managed to make it up to her apartment, her eyes gritty with tiredness and a chill seeping into her bones as she shivered in her wet funeral clothes.
Letting herself in, she was nearly bowled over by Imra, who was heading out. After a quick questioning, Lena found that she was going to interrogate Otis Graves, hoping to coax some new information out of him that Lena and Jack had failed to get. At Lena’s blunt insistence, Imra quickly yielded and let her come with her, and the two of them climbed into the car lent to them by the London branch of the DEO. Relaxing in the passenger seat, Lena stared out of the window in a morose fashion and watched the streets flash by, the two women sitting in silence as Imra wound her way through the city, making for the off grid location where Otis was being kept.
When they arrived there, they surrendered their guns, showed their badges and were scanned and admitted to the facility, escorted through the wide hallways and into a common room area. Lena was waved into a seat at the table and an agent made them cheap cups of coffee, and they sipped at them, Lena eavesdropping on Imra’s conversation with one of the agents as they brought Otis Graves up from his cell. Eventually he was brought up, and Lena scrambled to her feet as Imra made for the door, abandoning her coffee in her rush, and reached out to grab her friend’s arm and pull her around.
“Let me see him,” she softly said, a blank look on her gaunt face.
Imra gave her an uncertain look, taking in the empty look in her sunken eyes. “Lena, I-”
“I just want to talk to him.”
After a moment’s deliberation, she nodded and turned to walk down the hallway, the MI6 agents following after them. As they neared the interrogation room he’d been brought to for Imra and one of the other agents to talk to him in, Lena nodded at Imra, who gestured for the guard to unlock the door. Murmuring an assurance that she’d be fine, that she’d only be a few minutes, she stepped into the room and shut the door behind her.
His presence was hulking in the small, sparsely furnished room, a smug look on his face as he leant forward on the table, dwarfing the chair he sat in. She felt anger boil inside her, and she stood just inside the doorway for a moment, staring at him as she tried to make her voice work. All she could think was that it was his sister that had killed her friend, and that she deserved to lose someone she loved too. They’d taken her gun from her though.
“Mr Graves.”
“Agent Luthor. Back for more questions. Where’s your shadow?”
A spasm of pain ran across her face, and she watched as a slow smile spread across Otis’ face as he leant back, the chains on his cuffs rattling at the movement. Quickly composing herself, she clenched her teeth, a muscle jumping in her jaw as she fixed him with her iciest stare, drawing herself up and squaring her shoulders as she took a few hurried steps towards him.
“Your sister killed him,” she hoarsely told him, “but you knew she was going to do that, didn’t you, you smug bastard.”
He shrugged, giving her a sly smile as he spread his cuffed hands in a helpless gesture, “boss’ orders. Your brother is very particular.”
She made a choked sound, feeling like she’d been punched in the stomach, and her face twisted as she gave him a sneer. “Particular.”
“Wouldn’t want you to think that you’re safe now, would we?” he said, giving her a wink as he smiled. “He wanted to remind you who’s in charge here. You might think that you’re winning, but this is nothing more than a game of chess, and you’re losing.”
“He’s not winning anything. He’s nothing but a spineless coward too afraid to come here and confront me himself.”
“Well he’s far too busy for that, isn’t he? He’s got to make sure that lovely blonde of yours is kept track of. Just in case you start getting a little too cocky with that badge of yours.”
Lena felt a flurry of panic rise within her, which quickly turned into anger, and she curled her hands into fists as she gave him a stricken look, unable to keep her emotions under wraps. “What do you know about her?”
A slow shrug rolled his shoulders, and he lounged in the chair as if he wasn’t cuffed at the wrists and ankles, wearing a prison uniform, and being held without bail on multiple charges that guaranteed him prison time. Letting out a heavy sigh, Otis grimaced, although there was an undercurrent of amusement to the vexed look, and Lena’s stomach lurched.
“Well, between me and you, I’d give in now. Unless you’d like my sister to splatter your friend’s brains across you too. Although I can’t see why you’d care so much now when she’s got herself a new ma-”
His head snapped to the side from the force of the unexpected punch, and Lena kept moving, even as he recovered, pushing the metal folding chair back and climbing to his feet. Her knuckles throbbed from the force of the punch, but she didn’t stop, not even as his hulking mass dwarfed her, her fist connecting with the underside of his jaw, splitting knuckles and ensuring bruises. Even as she did it, she knew it was a mistake, antagonising him like that, especially when he wasn’t chained to the table, and before she could hit him again, his meaty fist connected with the side of her face. A white hot pain lanced through her, momentarily blinding her as she gasped, feeling numb as she staggered, her hand fumbling for the wall.
Putting her back to it, she blinked, trying to rid herself of the black spots dancing before her, and fiery pain lanced across her cheek as he struck her with the metal of his cuffs. Her lip was split, and she tasted blood as she coughed, left eye streaming, even as it rapidly swelled, and she scowled up at him as well as she could, even as his large hands wrapped around her neck. Feet scrabbling for purchase on the floor, she spat a mouthful of blood and saliva in his face.
“I swear to God, you piece of shit,” she choked out, her windpipe closing beneath his strong fingers, “if he hurts her … I’ll kill you myself.”
Shouts rang in her ears, and a moment later he was being pulled of her, the thud of police batons cracking against his body as he was forcibly pulled off her, and Lena sank to the floor, crouching on all fours as she wheezed. A warm hand rested of her shoulder, and she was aware of Imra kneeling in front of her as dragged in lungfuls of air, blood dribbling from her lips as her eyes streamed. Gentle hands dragged her to her feet, and she swayed off balance, blinking owlishly with one eye as the other swelled, her whole body shaking with adrenaline as she tried to focus on her friend.
The sounds of Imra’s words had a tinny quality to them, and she felt like she was swimming underwater as she was led out of the interrogation room, a restrained Otis Graves staring at her, his eyes burning into her back. Led through the sterile building, Imra supporting her as she tried not to wince with pain, she was dragged into a common area, sat down on a sofa, and sagged back against the worn cushions as an MI6 agent rummaged around beneath the sink for a first aid kit. She didn’t so much as flinch as Imra sat beside her, her gentle fingers turning her head this way and that, dabbing at a stinging cut on her cheek, wiping her mouth and streaming eye, and Lena swallowed her apologies. Of course they would’ve been watching her in there, listening too no doubt, from behind the two-way mirror, or even a camera room, and Imra must’ve rushed to get to her the moment she’d thrown the first punch. Lena had let him get in her head, her fears for Kara’s safety rising to the surface at the mere insinuation of Lex hurting her, and she’d lost her temper.
“I think it’s best if you get on the earliest flight possible this evening,” Imra said, a wry smile on her lips as she looked up at Lena, pausing as she dabbed at her split and bruised knuckles. Her words were light, but she could tell that her friend was angry at her recklessness. “Before you get yourself arrested for unlawful misconduct.”
“You’re probably right,” Lena mumbled. "I'm sorry."
Imra snorted, shaking her dark hair as she bent over her work, covering the fragile bones with gauze tape and giving Lena’s slender fingers a gentle squeeze. “Kara will be fine.”
Swallowing the lump in her throat, Lena blinked back the stinging in her eyes, insisting to herself that it was just the pain of the swollen eye, even though she’d already knocked back a few painkillers and couldn’t feel much of it. “What if I put her in danger by going back?”
“It looks like his reach is far. Distance won’t change anything.”
Nodding, she ducked her head down, fear instilled within her, even though the thought of finally going home made her weak with relief. Imra was right; if Lex wanted to hurt Kara, he’d do it, and distance wouldn’t matter, whether Lena was in National City with her, or Kara moved to London instead. He had his people everywhere, and he was already keeping tabs on her back home, so Lena being back there with her would only serve to keep her safe in the long run.
As soon as she’d been patched up and Imra rescheduled another time to talk to Otis, they left, reclaiming their guns and making their way out to their parked car. On the ride home, Lena searched for flights and booked the next departing one she’d be able to make on time. As soon as she reached the apartment, she gathered together the remainder of her unpacked things and threw them into her case, not even bothering to fold them or put them away properly. She could hear Querl and Imra talking quietly together as she readied herself, making sure she had her passport, had left behind her set of keys for Imra, had packed up all of Laurel’s things properly, and then there was nothing left for her to do.
Taking a few more pills to numb the pain of her face and hand, she left her holstered gun on the counter and gave Querl a thin smile. At Imra’s insistence, she agreed to let her take her to the airport, and within the next hour, Lena was letting Querl lug her suitcase downstairs and hugged him goodbye. She could’ve cried as they pulled away from the place that had been her home for months, and never would be again, so overcome with relief that she could close this chapter of her life that she couldn’t stop the air from rushing out of her lungs as she slumped in the front seat of the car. So many things had changed since she’d first left for London, and so much had stayed the same, and the thought of home was everything to her as the grey city faded behind her and she took another step closer to Kara.
Saying goodbye to her friend at the departure gate, Lena boarded her flight alone, ignoring the stares of the staff as they looked at her bruised face and down at the pristine beauty of her passport photo. It was relief once she was on the plane, comfortable in the wide First Class seat, knocking back the champagne handed to her, sitting in her funeral clothes as she travelled back to the States and back towards trouble. She knew fully well that she was going back to her brother’s games, and knew that it wasn’t over yet, she hadn’t won, but at least she knew that he wasn’t pulling his punches anymore. It was just a waiting game now, knowing that it was inevitable that he’d come for her. Perhaps he’d try nicely again first, bribing her back to his side with the promise of everything she could ever want for herself and her daughter, the promise of not touching a hair on Kara’s head, of letting Lena have a more hands on position in his mob. She’d turn him down, of course, knowing that the life he could give Laurel wasn’t a life she wanted for her daughter, with the threat of him looming over her at every possible moment in that cursed house. He’d be angry after that, and he’d show it. Perhaps he’d go after Kara first, or test the waters and hurt Alex, or Winn, or Sam. It made Lena sick just to think about any of them getting hurt, and she spent the rest of the flight tensed with unease.
Landing without any fuss, making a quick trip through security and answering a few questions about her face, before she tearily explained she’d just been to a funeral, flashed her badge and was let through to reclaim her bags. She hadn’t told anyone she was coming home early, or that she’d even got on the plane, so no one was waiting for her, and she climbed on a shuttle bus heading into the city, handing over a wad of cash and letting the owner stow her case in the u-haul attached to the back. The address she gave was for Sam’s house, and she sat with the four other passengers and checked her emails on her phone as the city raced towards her.
It was five o’clock in the afternoon, the sky still completely light due to the mild California weather, even this late in the year, and she knew that Sam would have Laurel in bed already by the time she reached her house, but she wanted to go there and see her daughter anyway. It had already been the longest they’d ever been away from each other since the day she was born, and Lena missed her with every bit of her, anxious to make sure that she was okay, that she’d been fine without her, that she hadn’t been a burden to Sam. The sight of the suburban house coming into sight, the van coming to a stop outside as the engine shuddered, was a welcome one, and Lena climbed out to reclaim her case off the driver, thanking the man and giving him a small smile.
The door opened as she wheeled her case up the driveway, the wheels rattling on the cement, and Sam greeted her with surprise, mostly due to her face, Lena assumed. “You’re back! I didn’t know you were home today, I thought it was tomorrow.”
Smiling, Lena let go of her case and opened her arms, wrapping her friend in a hug as she softly chuckled. “It was, but it was agreed that I might be a little too impulsive and do something I’d regret before I made it onto the plane.”
Pulling back, Sam tutted, reaching out to tilt Lena’s head up so she could see the bruises properly. “God, there’s never a dull moment with you, is there?”
“I try,” Lena dryly replied, giving her a wry smile as she grabbed her case.
Following Sam inside, trying to be quiet as she left her suitcase in the hallway and shut the door, she followed her friend through to the kitchen. Ruby was sitting on the sofa and leapt up to give her a hug, and Lena commented on how tall she was getting and told the girl that she’d taken up boxing when she was asked about her face. She crept upstairs to the spare room that Laurel was sleeping in, poking her head in and quietly making her way over to the bed to pull the blankets up to her daughter’s chin, before making her way downstairs.
Sam had coffee on and was rummaging through the fridge, asking Lena if she was hungry when she came back down. Although she hadn’t eaten at all that day, not even on the plane, even though she’d knocked back a few glasses of champagne, she wasn’t hungry. She was just tired, mostly, and she was contented with a cup of coffee and curling up on her friend’s sofa, both of them jumping straight into their usual gossiping as they caught up with each other. Lena knew that Kara had work at midnight, and was probably napping beforehand, and so she relaxed on the sofa, happy to spend the rest of the evening chatting away with Sam as they caught up on all the things they’d missed in each other’s lives.
They talked for what felt like hours, about everything and anything, although a few topics were avoided, even noticeably so, but Lena was glad that she didn’t have to talk about what had gone in London. Obviously Kara would’ve told everyone, especially after showing up with Laurel in tow and no Lena following behind, but the way that Sam tiptoed around her made it clear enough that she was treating her like she was fragile, breakable and delicate in her grief. For her part, Lena was animated as she chatted away, laughing and smiling with frequent ease, finding herself relaxing back into the feeling of being home with people she knew, people she shared a past with, and aside from the hollow eyed and slightly gaunt look about her that even Kara’s comforting presence and forced meals couldn’t fix, she was exactly the same Lena as always. Except for the fact that she had a secret locked away in her heart.
“You- you haven’t spoken to Kara yet, have you?” Sam hesitantly asked, almost as if sensing her thoughts.
Shaking her head, Lena let out a sigh as her body slumped, a slight smile curling her lips. “No. I spoke to her before the funeral, but I wanted to come straight here and check up on Ducky. Why?”
Pressing her lips together in a thin line, Sam stared at Lena’s coffee cup, her brow furrowing with concern, “it’s nothing. Just … well, I know that she’s been worried about you, and how different things might be, now that you’re back for good this time. I know that things were a little off when you came back last time.”
Grimacing, Lena shrugged slightly, “I’ll readjust. I’m just glad to be home, even if it’s because- well, with everything that happened … it’ll all work itself out. It’ll be like I never left.”
“Right,” Sam said, giving her a warm smile as she reached over to squeeze her knee. “Maybe leave Laurel here for the night though. Your face …”
Reaching up to gingerly probe the black eye and bruised cheekbone, Lena winced. “Yeah, I should probably cover it up before I see her. Are you sure it’s okay though? I know you have work-”
Waving a hand dismissively, Sam gave her a small smile, “of course it’s okay. Just go home, talk to Kara, have a bath and settle in. Maybe have a nap; you look exhausted.”
“Mm, I haven’t been sleeping much,” Lena murmured, giving Sam a tight smile.
She lingered a little while longer, watching the sun sink low on the horizon, the shadows lengthening as the sky turned the same colour purple as Lena’s bruised face. Creeping upstairs to kiss her daughter on the forehead, making sure she was tucked in with her duck teddy, Lena thanked Sam, left her suitcase behind and caught a bus into the city. It was a long, rattling ride, each bump making her teeth chatter, sly glances cast her wat at the state of her, but she paid them no mind as she looked out at the city, watching the shops close up for the day, the bistros draw in the dinner crowd, while nightclubs opened their doors and the smells of dozens of takeaway stores rushed in with the cold air whenever someone climbed on or off the bus.
The nervous feeling inside her grew with every stop, with every mile, and she found herself biting back a smile at the thought of seeing Kara again. It had only been a couple of days since she’d brought Laurel back with her, giving Lena the time to sort herself out and tie up loose ends in London, but it felt like forever since she’d seen her. Lena hadn’t even had time to tell her about her face, and wondered how Kara would react to the skin mottled with bruises, a clear sign that she’d done something stupid in the short while she’d been left alone. Her patience growing thin as anticipation of seeing her friend again rose, Lena had to consciously stop herself from jiggling her leg, watching familiar streets and blocks rush past her.
Eventually she reached the nearest stop to their apartment, thanking the driver as she climbed off, hugging her arms over her chest as she hunched her shoulders to the bitter wind, a smattering of light rain falling down on around her as she walked down a side street and crossed the road. Pausing outside, rain speckling her face, she looked up at the towering building, a soft smile curling her lips as she felt her hunched shoulders slump at the thought of home. After seven months, she was home. Finally, home for good. Walking towards the welcoming yellow light beckoning her from the lobby, she let herself in, and the security guard nodded to her, his eyes going wide as he took in the mess of her face, and she gave him a wide smile in return, brimming with excitement as she walked over to the elevator.
The ride upstairs was agonisingly slow, and Lena worried at her bottom lip with her teeth, only stopping at the faint hint of blood and the fear that she might open up the scab on her swollen lip. Eventually the elevator came to a slow, shuddering halt, and the doors parted to reveal the familiar hallway, the smell of wood polish and cool air washing over her as she stepped out, making straight for the wonderful sight of her front door. Fishing out her keys, she smiled to herself as she fit it in the lock, turning it as relief washed over her and she stepped into the brightly lit apartment. The sound of hurried footsteps came from the living room, and her whole body relaxed as Kara poked her head out of the room, a confused frown creasing her brow, before it quickly rose into a look of surprise.
“You’re home! Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? I would’ve come and got you- oh my God. What happened to your face?!”
Lena let out a weak laugh, her insides clenching at the happiness and worry in Kara’s voice as she leapt from emotion to emotion, rushing over to her with an appalled look on her face. “It’s nothing. Just … a stupid mistake.”
“Does it hurt? Here, come and sit down. I’ll make some coffee and get my kit out. It looks sore.”
Shedding her coat, Lena walked over to the bar stool at the island counters, hoisting herself up onto one and giving Kara a weary smile as she watched her friend move over to the percolator and set about putting on a fresh pot. The rich, earthy smell of the beans filled the apartment with its aroma and she propped her head up in her hand as she sleepily listened to the sounds of Kara moving about the apartment, a wave of comforting exhaustion washing over her as she settled in back home.
With a breathless smile, Kara reappeared, lugging her heavy first aid kit with her, and set it on the counters, unzipping it and rummaging around in it. As she sat there with half-lidded eyes, waiting patiently as she watched Kara rifled through the medical equipment, Lena caught a flash of something and blinked, bringing herself back to the moment as she straightened up. Her heart leapt into her throat as her stomach plummeted, a leaden feeling of coldness stirring within her as she stared at Kara’s left hand. At the ring finger on her left hand, and the new diamond ring that decorated it, winking in the yellow light of the apartment.
Quickly reaching out, Lena grabbed her left hand in her own, and Kara’s head whipped around at the sudden contact, her eyes widening as she took in the stunned look on Lena’s face as she stared at the ring. Snatching her hand back, a guilty look appearing on her face, Kara gave her a pleading look, her mouth opening as she tried to scramble for an excuse.
Lena got their first, her voice hoarse as she gave Kara an aghast look. “You’re marrying him?!”
“I can explain-”
“You’re marrying him?”
“I was going to tell you-”
Scoffing, Lena gave her a wounded look, trying not to let it show as she clenched her jaw and raised her chin in a haughty manner, fighting back the nauseous feeling inside. “When?”
Pressing her lips together in a thin line, Kara stared down at her hands, the first aid kit forgotten about as she wrapped the fingers of her right hand around her left hand, hiding the ring from sight. “When you got back-”
“No, when did he ask?”
“When I got back. After everything that happened with- well, life’s too short.”
Nodding, Lena sat there for a moment, feeling numb as her heart slammed its walls back into place and she felt a coldness creep over her. The lines of her face were hard, and she couldn’t bring herself to meet Kara’s pleading eyes, couldn’t help the feeling of betrayal that welled up inside, the heartbroken devastation that cut deeply into her, although she’d known that she was coming back to the woman she loved with the knowledge that she was with someone else. It almost seemed as if now there was no coming back from it. Perhaps before she might’ve had a chance, but engaged … that was an entirely different kind of commitment, and Lena was filled with bitter regret as she sat there.
“Right, well, that’s that then.”
Sliding off the stool, she walked over to the door in a hurry, forgetting her coat, taking nothing but the contents of her pockets - her phone, her keys, her bank card - and yanked it open, ignoring Kara’s spluttered protests behind her as she asked her where she was going. Blinking back tears, and trying to pass it off on the fact that she was tired and her face hurt, rather than the fact that her heart had just unknowingly been ripped out of her chest in such a careless manner that Kara didn’t even know how much it hurt, Lena rushed towards the elevator doors, ignoring the sound of her name being called behind her, and the sound of the door slamming shut, as she stepped inside. Before Kara reached the elevator, frantically hurrying to stop her, blue eyes wide and glassy with tears, the doors slid shut and blocked her from Lena’s line of sight. With a jolt, she dropped, her bottom lip trembling as she blinked rapidly, her hands balled into fists, the skin over her split knuckles stretching in a painful way as it pulled at the scabs.
Breathing slowly, hugging herself as if trying to keep it together, she made her way down to the lobby with the reeling knowledge that Sam knew. She’d known and she’d let her come back to the apartment oblivious, insisting that she leave Laurel there with her, because she somehow knew that Lena wouldn’t take the news well. Bitter anger rose within her as she hit the ground floor, the doors parting, and stepping out into the lobby, breezing past the security guard and out into the biting cold evening. The rain was coming down harder now, and an involuntary shiver ran through her as large droplets pelted her back, soaking into her dark hair. Sucking in a lungful of clean, damp air, she stood on the edge of the sidewalk, facing the road as she watched the city lights reflect off the wet street.
Letting out a choked sound, she stood there for a few moments, unsure of what to do next. It wasn’t like she had anywhere else to go, but she couldn’t face Kara at that moment, or she’d end up ruining everything. Saying something stupid that she couldn’t take back, and would regret in the morning. The sound of the door opening behind her, and footsteps slapping against the wet pavement made her tense up though, her eyes shut as rain ran down her bruised face. She didn’t have to turn around to know that it was Kara. She just knew that it was.
“Lena.”
Her voice was so soft, trembling slightly with the effort of holding back tears, and Lena felt the fight rush out of her at the sound of her name falling from Kara’s lips. Slowly turning, she put her back to the road, facing her friend in the pouring rain, taking in the face plunged into shadows by the warm light behind her creating a silhouette, and Kara’s bare feet on the filthy sidewalk. “Go back inside, Kara.”
“Where are you going?”
Shrugging vaguely, Lena swallowed the lump in her throat.
“Look, I’m sorry,” Kara said, taking a step forward, “I just- I didn’t want to tell you over the phone. You’ve been going through a rough time and-”
“Don’t blame this on Jack,” Lena sharply warned her, a spike of anger rushing through her.
“I’m not, I just- I thought it’d be better face to face.”
“Right.”
Biting back her frustration, Kara made a sound of annoyance at the back of her throat, throwing her hands up in vexation. “Why does it matter anyway? Why are you being weird about it? Most people are happy for their friend when they get engaged.”
Choking on a hysterical laugh, Lena smiled, softly shaking her head as she stared at her friend. “I’m supposed to be happy that you’re going to marry someone you’ve been dating for all of five months? You don’t even know him.”
“Okay miss psychology expert,” Kara scornfully replied, “you know, you don’t know everything. Not about me, or my relationship. And I’m old enough to make my own decisions.”
“Are you? Because at the start of the year, you were in love with me. You left him, for me.”
Spluttering, Kara angrily crossed her arms over her chest, and Lena could envision the blush that would be creeping into her cheeks, hidden by the darkness of night. “Well that’s just- that’s beside the point. And you made yourself very clear about that.”
“Right,” Lena mumbled.
Sighing, Kara ran a hand through her quickly dampening hair, looking antsy as they stood half a dozen feet from each other, bickering about her relationship. Regret welled up inside Lena, and she was tired, cold, and wet, wanting nothing more than a bath and bed. Her homecoming was far from what she’d expected, but then again, most things didn’t go the way she’d planned them in her head, and she was overcome with another wave of frustration, washing away the weariness and reaffirming her irritation. Surely her feelings were justified; Kara hadn’t told her about such an important thing, especially after knowing how much it had irked Lena when she hadn’t told her that she’d started dating Mike. Kara might’ve thought that she was protecting her because of how things had ended with Jack, but it didn’t feel that way to Lena. It felt like a convenient excuse so that she could avoid this confrontation for as long as possible.
“Look, I know you’re going through a really rough time. I get that, I do-”
“Oh, don’t be so condescending,” Lena snapped, “this has nothing to do with what happened in London.”
“Then what?” Kara exclaimed, giving her an urgent look, confusion flitting across her features as she tried to understand. “What is it? What’s your problem?!”
As she shouted, Lena squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the words build inside her, growing bigger as Kara hurled questions at her. I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you. She could feel it bubbling up, the words bumping around inside her, threatening to pour over and spill out of her, not matter how hard she tried to bottle them up. They’d been trapped inside for weeks now, suppressed and safely stamped down, but as Kara went on a tirade about how she was acting differently, how she should’ve been happy for her, how it was okay for her to grieve and how Kara understood that, Lena felt rankled by the words. WIth each patronising word, she felt the anger inside her burn hotter, and she had to stop herself from protesting each false statement, until she just wanted Kara to stop talking. So much so, that the words came pouring out of her before she could even stop them, loud and nearly hysterical as she shouted them, her voice cracking slightly.
“I’m in love with you!”
Stumbling in the middle of her rant, Kara was left floundering for a moment, her mouth opening and closing as she found herself at a loss for words, much to Lena’s intense relief, and then sheer horror. Eyes widening, she felt her mouth go dry, her tongue feeling thick and clumsy, her throat closing up with terror, and she watched as Kara struggled to absorb the stubborn outburst. Standing there in silence, watching as confusion, surprise and anger ran across her friend’s face, Lena could hear her heart pounding loudly in her chest, the anticipation of Kara’s reaction growing with each lengthening moment.
Eventually, Kara shook her head, slowly at first, and then firmly, her lips pressed in a hard line as her brow pulled together in a frown. “No. No, you aren’t. You told me so yourself.”
“I am,” Lena desperately replied, her voice small and pathetic as tears sprang to her eyes, and she could feel herself slowly starting to fall apart, all of her hard work coming undone as she unraveled.
“No. No, no, no. You’re not allowed to do this now. I won’t let you. You can’t just come back and make everything about you again.”
“Excuse me?” Lena spluttered, her eyebrows rising in surprise at the sharp turn the conversation had taken again.
Letting out a huff of frustration, Kara balled her hands into fists, her anger plain in her voice and on her face. “This is what you do! Everything is about you. About your shitty family, and your sad childhood, and your daughter, and the rest of us just have to revolve our lives around what’s convenient for you. You want to fuck off to London and say it’s to protect us, while we’re stuck here with your brother, while you’re playing happy families with your new English boyfriend, and we’re supposed to put our lives on hold until you get back? You really can’t let me have this one thing! What is it, are you jealous or something? Are you jealous that I’m actually happy with someone, and you won’t let yourself be that? That you’re all alone, stuck with a kid, and everything you have is because of me? You need me so badly that you’ll pretend to be in love with me, just so I won’t leave you, like everyone else in your life?”
Spluttering, Lena gave her an aghast look, blanching as the angry words came spilling out of Kara. She couldn’t help but wonder how long they’d been brewing inside her, how long she’d bottled them up inside, just waiting to explode and let out her resentment for the fact that Lena had baggage. Devastation ripped through her, and she felt the air race out of her lungs at the feeling as if she’d been kicked in the stomach. This whole time, she’d been desperately trying to get back to National City, and here was Kara, telling her how much of an inconvenience she was to have around. How pathetic her life was as a single mother, with everything hinging on her friendship with Kara, and her heart ached unimaginaly as the harsh words burrowed their way inside of her. Swallowing the lump in her throat, Lena’s split lips curved up into a bitter smile, her eyes glassy with tears.
“I never needed you. I wanted to be here with you.”
“Bullshit,” Kara said, her voice cracking as it trembled slightly, “you never even noticed me. You never saw me.”
“I see you just fine right now.”
Before Kara could even form a retort, Lena stepped out into the street, hurrying as headlights lit her up, holding up a hand in apology as a car honked and she jogged the last few steps across the road. Shadows swallowed her up as tears pricked her eyes, and she couldn’t bring herself to look back, to see if Kara was still standing outside, barefoot as rain soaked into the sweater she was wearing, staring after her. She wasn’t sure if she was more scared that she wouldn’t be. Wiping her cheeks as her tears spilled over, she angrily walked through the rain, shivering as she hugged herself and set off in search of something, anything to distract herself.
After block after block of walking, until she was sure she was going to have blisters in the morning, she ducked into the nearest bar in search of warmth and a stiff drink. Completely drenched, her hair plastered to her face and her eyes red from crying, she stepped into the dingy place and made her way over to the bar as heat washed over her. Climbing onto the cracked leather stool, she ordered a double whisky and knocked it back, rapping her knuckles on the bar for another as she choked on a sob.