Chapter Text
The following week passed by in a blur, although each moment felt like an agonising eternity at the same time. Each day that passed felt like a death march towards the date of the wedding, and Lena slept terribly, if at all, trying to convince herself that she could do it. The night before, after a long day of rehearsals that made her feel sick, she was shamefully packing a bag to leave town the next morning. Metropolis was the most logical place to go, the place familiar, yet far enough away to hold no memories of Kara, and she considered going there for the weekend, waiting out the wedding, and coming back while Kara was on her honeymoon. Her friend would be mad, disappointed, upset, and it was cowardly, but Lena was protecting herself.
But after a sleepless night, spent staring at the flight she’d bought for herself on the computer screen, her face washed out by the brightness of the screen’s light, she found herself stiffly climbing to her feet as the dark sky outside lightened to a blue a few shades lighter. Running wouldn’t solve her problems. She had to go. Even if it was for some painful closure for herself, to watch her friend tie herself to another man, to be torn out of Lena’s reach forever, she had to do it.
The sky was light outside when she woke Laurel, the merest hint of puffy white clouds, and a warm breeze on the wind blowing through the city. It was a perfect day for a wedding. Both of them showering, and then dressing in something casual, Lena made them both a hurried breakfast, checking the time to make sure she wouldn’t be late to the venue. Making sure she had all of her things, Lena led Laurel downstairs, keeping a tight grip on her daughter’s hand, and they climbed into the back of the Uber that pulled up outside.
It was a long and aching ride to Mike’s golf club, where the wedding was scheduled to take place, and Lena found herself growing more and more restless with every block that passed by. Eventually they were free of the inner city limits, and the buildings grew squatter, with distinct rows of houses in neat suburbs forming before her eyes. They were in one of the wealthier neighbourhoods, and as they passed through the gates of the golf club, she scowled behind her sunglasses as the low white building came into focus in the distance.
Fields of lush green grass spread out on either side of the driveway, shady oak trees lining the path, and Lena caught the glimmer of a blue pond here, a yellow patch of a sandy bunker there, and found her hands growing slick with sweat as she balled them in her lap. Laurel was exclaiming loudly about her pretty it was as she peered out the passenger window, excited at the prospect of being flower girl with Ruby.
Pulling up outside, the Uber idled, and Lena paused for a moment, before thanking the young woman and climbing out, lugging her bag with her and helping her daughter out. As the car turned around on the large, graveled driveway, Lena shaded her eyes and looked up at the building. A few terracotta tiled steps led up to a shaded porch, wrapping around the outside of the white wooden building, and floor length windows let sunlight stream into the lavish club. White double doors led into the airy foyer, already being decorated with the blue and white flowers Kara had picked out. It was beautiful place to get married, Lena had to admit, but as she looked around at all the details depicting the wedding that was about to take place, it just made her feel nauseous.
People rushed past, carrying flowers, carrying crates of wine down a hallway off to the left, to the room the reception was going to take place in, and Lena skirted the edge of the room, catching glimpses of people rush past outside. A woman spotted her a few moments later, hurrying over to ask her what she wanted, and was led down a hallway off to the right, towards the room where everyone was getting ready.
Knocking on the door she was led to, she poked her head inside, taking in the sights of Kara, Alex and Sam in silk robes, while Ruby played on her iPad in the corner, and Eliza chatted to one of the wedding organisers. Hair and makeup were already there, and Sam was already seated in a chair, her hair in curlers, and a woman applying eyeshadow to her closed eyelids. At Lena’s entrance, ushering Laurel in ahead of her and closing the door, she was greeted with a chorus of enthusiastic hello’s, and Kara climbed to her feet, giving her a nervous smile, which quickly wilted.
“You look tired.”
Waving her hand dismissively, Lena gave her a wan smile, “bulb went in my room. You know how I am with the dark.”
A sympathetic look softening her face, Kara reached out to give her hand a quick squeeze, “you should’ve called. You know I would’ve come and changed it for you.”
“I figured you needed your beauty sleep,” Lena said, trying to sound encouraging with her light hearted joke, “big day today!”
“Mhm, I just hope I don’t trip going down the aisle,” Kara said, her eyes widening for a moment, before she laughed and squeezed Lena’s arm. “You’re up next. Do you want some champagne while you wait?”
Shrugging indifferently, Lena soon found herself sitting on an armchair, her clothes exchanged for a silk robe that matched the other women’s ones, and a champagne flute in her hand, which she sipped at as she let the excited conversation wash over her. The babble faded into the background as she sat there, the champagne tasting sour, despite how expensive it was, and her heart thudding loudly in her ears. Eventually it was her turn, and the hairdresser beckoned her over to the low chair, which Lena fell heavily onto, her hand still clutching the glass of champagne, which grew steadily emptier, even though she wasn’t enjoying it. It gave her something to do, some motion to let her pretend that she was there, that she was present and just as excited for Kara as everyone else was. Or was pretending to be, even though more than once, her appearance was commented on, with her dark circles, the sallowness to her cheeks, the way her dress didn’t fit quite right, although it had been tailored to her, or the pasty complexion that the makeup artist couldn’t quite match.
By the time they were done, her face covered by a thick layer of makeup, her hair curled and pinned up into an intricately braided style, and a pale blue satin dress slipped on over her washed out skin, she was feeling even worse. Her hands were shaking as she helped Laurel into the little dress with the tulle skirt that her and Ruby were wearing, their hair in ringlets, and flower crowns resting on top, and her mouth was dry. She crouched in front of her daughter, helping her put her shoes on, while she listened to the voices behind her as Kara was helped into her dress. Shoulders hunched, Lena couldn’t bear to turn around, but she had to.
The skirt fell from Kara’s waist, the mesh bodice was fitted to her slim figure, and the whole thing was embroidered with flowers. Eliza was fixing a veil that was pinned beneath the curled updo, straightening it up, and Kara was holding onto Alex as Sam helped her into her heels. Lena’s breath caught in her throat, and she froze for a moment, before climbing unsteadily to her feet, a wavering smile on her lips as she met Kara’s blue stare.
“Right, something old and borrowed is the hair comb,” Eliza said, gently touching the jeweled comb that was slid into Kara’s gold locks, “and your dress is new.”
“And my necklace is blue,” Kara said, her face softening with a tender smile as she reached up to touch the blue diamond necklace that Lena had given her all those years ago. Not far from the beginning of where it had all started, and tears sprung to her eyes as she thought about Kara getting married to someone else, wearing the necklace that she had given her.
Everything was a daze after that. Before Lena could stop herself, she was soon lining up behind Alex, with Sam behind her, Ruby and Laurel at the back, and Eliza was there with Kara, who was holding a bouquet and smiling nervously, ready to be walked down the aisle by the only parent she had left in the world.
Before she was even ready, although they would’ve been waiting forever if they were waiting for Lena to be ready, Lena was gliding along behind Alex, one of Mike’s groomsmen taking her arm as he escorted her, her eyes fixed to the back of Alex’s head as she moved like she was in a dream. It was like her body wasn’t her own, her mind detached from it, helpless as she walked down the hallway, her hands tightly clutching the bouquet, her eyes dazed and her shoulders stiff. She couldn’t even bring a smile to her lips.
They entered the spacious room to all eyes on them, and Lena’s body kept moving of its own accord, her eyes darting up to the high ceiling, to the light spilling in from the back wall, a line of windows and French doors, showing the golf course to the back of the building. Flowers perfumed the air, an arch of them at the end of the aisle, Mike in a tuxedo smiling as he watched them walk down the aisle, preceding his future wife.
As they reached the front, they veered off to the left, the groomsmen parting ways with their respective bridesmaid’s, and stood in a line off to the side, flanking the flower arch, where the ceremony would take place. Looking out at the sea of faces, Lena spotted Winn, James, Lucy and Querl in the crowd, as well as Imra’s girlfriend, Gayle, and a few other familiar faces she’d seen once or twice. A few of Kara’s coworkers were there, as well as other hospital staff, and Mike’s family were sitting in the front row, his guests occupying the other half of the room.
As soon as they’d all taken their places, Ruby and Laurel came down the aisle, flower petals scattering before them, and Lena’s lips twitched up into a smile at the sight of her daughter, being guided forward by the older girl beside her, and she felt her heart twinge with overwhelming love for her. Focusing on that, on the fact that her daughter was the most important person to her, the only person whose job it was for Lena to protect, to make decisions for and look after, Lena told herself that she could make it through the ceremony.
But then Kara was coming down the aisle, with Eliza escorting her, and the air rushed out of Lena’s lungs. Although she’d been there with Kara, watching her get ready, had seen her in her dress already, had been with her up until leaving the room before her a few minutes before, it still felt like a blow to the stomach seeing her there at the far end of the big room. Everyone was looking at her, the photographers snapping photos, and Lena couldn’t tear her eyes away, drinking in the sight of the dress, of how beautiful Kara looked, of the wide smile splitting her face. The smile for Mike. The dress for Mike. The whole day for her and Mike to tie themselves to each other.
Looking away, feeling suddenly overwhelmingly sick, Lena felt the blood drain from her face, a faint, lightheaded feeling washing over her as she stood wedged in beside Alex and Sam. A cold sweat broke out on her brow, and she clutched her bouquet with trembling hands, pressing her lips together to stop her bottom lip from wobbling. But there were a few tears in the room, and her own glassy eyes went unremarked upon as she stood there, each step a slow agonising blow to Lena’s already wounded heart.
As Kara neared the front of the room, taking her place before the arch, across from Mike, who gave her a bright smile, Lena took a step back, nearly bumping into Sam, who reached out to steady her. Giving her arm a quick squeeze, Sam gently urged her back to her spot. And then with a sudden gut-wrenching feeling of wrongness, Lena realised that she couldn’t stay there. The room felt suffocatingly hot, her dress too tight, the air sickly sweet from the flowers, and Lena felt herself starting to panic, her heart thundering in her chest.
The sound of the celebrant’s voice washed over her, and Lena swayed slightly on the spot, her vision wavering slightly as she stood there. And then, without a single word, without a glance in Kara’s direction, or so much as a sound, she took a step back and moved out of line. Her heels clicked against the tiles as she hurried towards the side door, her face flushed red as she felt eyes turn to her, the sound of her heels disruptively loud as they punctuated the celebrant’s words about love and dedication.
Feeling eyes burning into her back, Lena reached for the door handle and all but burst out into the hallway, gently closing the door behind her as she sucked in a grateful lungful of cold air. Pressing a hand to her forehead, her brow hot and sweaty beneath her clammy palm, she quickly wandered further down the hallway, her panicked breathing slowing slightly as she limply held the bouquet in one hand and tried to calm herself down, making for the exit.
“Lena!”
She slowed at the shout, her shoulders going taut beneath the pale blue bridesmaid dress. Unable to bring herself to look at Kara, and cursing the fact that Kara had followed after her, she swallowed the lump in her throat and stared straight ahead.
“Are you feeling okay?”
Closing her eyes, Lena swallowed thickly, her voice hoarse as she replied, “go back inside.”
“Do you need to go outside for some air?”
“I have to go … to work,” she lamely replied, her voice uncertain and trembling.
“Work?!” Kara spluttered from the end of the hallway, “what do you mean?”
Coming to a stop, she closed her eyes as she sighed. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she fought back the emotions that rose within her, head bowed and shoulders hunched. “Go back inside, Kara.”
“No. Not until you tell me what’s wrong. Are you sick? You don’t look well. Is it your brother?”
Tears stung Lena’s eyes, and she let out a shuddering breath as she turned around, her shoulders slumping in defeat as she faced her friend. Kara had moved closer, shortening the distance between them, a concerned look on her face as she reached out for Lena. With a pleading look in her glassy green eyes, she gave Kara a small smile, soft, despite the bitterness it held. “No, I just- I’m sorry. I can’t- I have to go.”
“Wha- are you serious? It’s my wedding, Lena. I’m getting marri-”
“I know!” Lena shouted, her swimming eyes overflowing and sending tears running down her sallow cheeks. Sniffing, she reached up and rubbed them away, letting out a choked sound as she quickly tried to make sure she didn’t ruin her makeup. It was all waterproof anyway, intended to stop her makeup from running when she cried with happiness for her best friend, but it worked well to keep her makeup immaculate as she cried with heartbreak at the fact that Kara was getting married. “I know. And I can’t be here for that.”
“What?” Kara asked, her voice quiet and her face screwed up with confusion. “Why?”
“Because I love you,” Lena firmly told her, her breathing hitching and her tone pitifully small and full of pain as she crumpled. “I love you, and I can’t watch you marry someone else.”
Taking a step back, Kara’s face crumpled into a frown as she shook her head, bewilderment clear in her blue eyes, as well as wounded look of betrayal. Tears started to form, and Lena let out a choked sob as she took a step towards her, guilt rising up inside as she couldn’t keep her feelings locked away any longer.
“Why’re you doing this now?” Kara asked, her face ashen and stiff, a numbed air about her as she stood limply before Lena, her eyes disoriented as she scrambled to understand. “I don’t- you said that you didn’t. Why are you-”
“I know, but I lied,” Lena quietly admitted, fighting back more tears, “but I love you. Of course I do. How could I not?”
“I don’t understand,” Kara said, tilting her head to the side as she stared at her with confusion, her eyebrows pulled together in a frown, “you said you’d never- that we were only friends. You lied to me? I- I don’t- you said-”
Pressing her lips into a thin line, Lena nodded, a dark look on her face. “I know what I said.”
“You let me think for all those months that you didn’t …”
“I know, but I love you, okay? How many times do you want me to say it? I love you and I can’t watch you marry someone who’s … wrong for you. He’s not an evil person, but he’s just … not good for you.”
“What, so you want me to pick you?”
Closing her eyes, Lena let out a shaky breath, “no. No, that’s not what I- you know I’d never ask you to do that, I just- I’d never tell you to take cooking lessons, or buy a house without consulting you, or make you quit your job to be a housewife. I wouldn’t- I wouldn’t tell you how many kids we’re having, or parade you around like a trophy. You’re settling for someone who doesn’t deserve you! We all know it! I know it, Alex knows it, Sam knows it, and so does Eliza. God, I bet Mike even fucking knows it himself!”
Her voice rose as she spoke, her temper rising with the frustration welling up inside her as all the truths she’d locked inside came pouring out from her lips, not intentionally, but it didn’t make a difference, because as it all came out in a torrent of hurried words, a burdening weight slowly lifted from Lena’s shoulders. For too long she’d let the lies and unspoken words settle on her shoulders, piling up one by one, until she’d been too burdened to speak them. She’d spent months walking around with bowed shoulders, her head down to the world as she carried the weight of her feelings on her back, shouldering her pain with as much resolve as she could muster. And now, she couldn’t help it. She had nothing to lose now, Lena could see that, because she was going to lose Kara for good, regardless of whether she spoke them or not.
“I’m well aware of what my family thinks. But it’s not up to them to make the decision for me. It’s not up to you. Or is that what you’re saying; that you deserve me?” Kara hotly asked, her cheeks flushed red and a stony look on her face, her eyes shining with tears.
Swallowing the lump in her throat, Lena looked away, her lips turning up into a small, bitter smile. “We both know that I’d never be deserving of you. No matter how much- how much I want you.”
“Then why did you make me feel so unwanted?” Kara asked, her voice full of pain as her face crumpled. “You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. You never loved me! I spent months wondering what was so wrong with me that I wasn’t enough for you.”
Choking on a laugh, Lena gave her an incredulous look. “You? You? You’ve always been enough. More than I could ever have dreamed of. Too good for someone like me. But I … God . Me … the problem is me! You think that I don’t know it’s me?”
“You were never a problem! Never an inconvenience, or a danger. You were everything to me. Everything. I thought you were perfect. No one could ever measure up to you.”
“Then why did you leave me for him?” Lena shouted, pointing a finger accusingly at the closed door they’d both just come out of, where a hundred guests were still assembled, waiting for the wedding to continue, her voice breaking as her breathing hitched slightly. “I came back for you , and you were with him .”
“You left me first,” Kara shouted back, tears spilling over, “you left me and you expected me to be fine without you! You left me, just like my parents, and my aunts and uncles, and my cousin. And Mike was there. While you were off in London, protecting me, he was here, ans he wanted me, and you didn’t. And now what? You want me to leave him for you? Because now, at the very last minute, you say you love me? Or do you just want to ruin our wedding?”
Scoffing, Lena blinked back tears, giving her a scornful look as she smiled bitterly. “I never asked you to come after me.”
“But you knew I’d come! Because I- because I-” Kara said, choking on the words as she couldn’t speak them. Closing her eyes, she ducked her head down, looking away.
Lena closed her eyes, her chest slumping as she exhaled softly, the fight draining out of her. “Look, I don’t- I’m not asking for anything. But I can’t stay and watch you marry him. I’ve been hurting for months , and this … this will hurt too much.”
Sniffing, Kara wiped at her face, and Lena let out a shaky breath, fighting the urge to step forward and wrap her in a gentle hug. “I’m sorry,” she softly breathed, her heart aching for her best friend as she hurt her, knowing exactly what it felt like to be hurt like this.
Looking up with blazing blue eyes, Kara angrily scrubbed at her wet cheeks, shoulders stubbornly set, and Lena pressed her lips into a hard line, waiting for the harsh words that would be fairly deserved for causing a disturbance at her friend’s wedding. It was true that she hadn’t asked Kara to choose her, in front of her friends and family, knowing that it would embarrass Kara and ruin the day, but she’d hoped that she could slip out unnoticed, feigning sickness or some emergency. If it had gone as she’d wanted it to, Kara wouldn’t have even turned around. Would never have noticed that she wasn’t there, until the photos afterwards, where she would’ve been noticeably absent. Of course, Sam had watched her leave, her fingers trailing against the back of Lena’s hand in a silent question, her brown eyes silent questioning her and giving her a warning.
“You should’ve told me,” Kara said in a low, rough voice, the words trembling as her bottom lip wobbled, an accusing look in her eyes as she blinked back more tears.
“I wanted you to be happy,” Lena softly said, shoulders squared as she looked to the floor, too ashamed to look at Kara. “I was a coward, and you hurt me. It was best for everyone.”
“Best for you,” Kara corrected her, her voice cracking. “You knew how I felt about you. You knew I would’ve-”
Laughing, Lena arched an eyebrow, a look of amusement lighting up her face, “what, left him for me? No. I’m not good for you, Kara. I can’t give you what you want. And I understand why you settled for him, I do, because he’s safe, and he wanted you, but … you deserve more than settling.”
Letting out a hoarse laugh, Kara shrugged as she gave her a tight smile, “I always thought you were good enough for me. You gave me everything I’d ever wanted. It’s the reason why I fell in love with you.”
As she spoke, the door off to Lena’s right, and further down the hallway, opened, and Lena’s eyes widened slightly, her lips parting to interrupt Kara as Mike stepped out in his tuxedo, an apprehensive look on his face as he stared at the two women. Kara didn’t see him with her back to him, but she went rigid at the sound of her hesitant voice calling out from behind her.
“Kara? Is everything okay?” Mike asked, stepping into the hallway with a wary look on his face, taking in the tears on Lena’s face and the stiff back of his fiancee, trying to read the room. “They’re waiting for us.”
“Lena’s feeling unwell,” Kara thickly told him.
Sniffing, Lena awkwardly cleared her throat, throwing him a thin smile without looking in his direction. “I think I’m going to go.”
“Oh. Okay,” he said, a concerned look on his face, “I hope you feel better.”
Nodding, she looked to Kara, who was looking at her with gut wrenching devastation on her face, and Lena gave her a warm smile, eyes shining as she reached out to give her listless hand a quick squeeze. “You were wrong, you know. That night. You were all I ever saw.”
Turning around, she walked down the airy hallway, head ducked down as she hugged her arms to herself, her body shaking with suppressed sobs. Footsteps didn’t rush after her, voices didn’t call her back, and she was weak with relief as she burst through the door at the end of the hallway, taking a quick left and making her way back towards the foyer where she’d entered.
Staff members milled around, getting ready for the reception, and the dinner and party later on, and they all stared at her as she hurried across the tiled floor, sunlight streaming in through the tall windows, showing the spectacular view of the golf course. Hiding her tears, she rushed out the front door, one hand fisted in the fabric of her dress, and she all but ran down the front porch steps, stumbling as she hit the gravel, her heels tripping over the tiny stones.
Cars were parked around the place, valets taking a break, smoking as they leant against the perfect paint jobs of BMW’s and Mercedes’, and Lena cast them a quick look, before dismissing stealing a car as a way to escape. Beyond them, a golf cart sat abandoned on the fringe of the green, having been used for some task involved with the wedding, and she set off towards it, ignoring the looks.
It was quick and easy to steal it, and she set her heels down on the seat beside her, her bare foot pressed down on the pedal as she rolled over neatly trimmed grass, making her way towards the gate of the club. Stumbling barefoot out of the parted gates, she looked up and down the street, one hand stretched out to hail down a cab, or anyone who wouldn’t mind stopping to pick up a hitchhiker. A yellow car pulled in a short ways away from her, and she scrambled towards it, shoes in hand, gratefully yanking open the back door and climbing in onto the hot leather seats.
Her voice was raspy as she gave the man her address, and as the car set into motion, she sat back against the seat and cried. She cried the whole way back to her apartment, the driver hesitantly asking if she was okay, and when greeted with nothing but quiet sobs, stuck to glancing at her in the rearview mirror every few minutes. Embarrassment and pride couldn’t make her stop, and she let it all out as they sped back towards the city.
By the time the cab pulled up outside, Lena’s sobs had subsided into occasional hiccups and tremors that wracked her body, and it was when they came to a stop that she realised that she didn’t have any money. The driver was pissed, but he seemed more uncomfortable with the fact that he had a crying woman in the back of his car, and kicked her out with a few curse words thrown at her back.
Dragging her feet as she walked towards her building, she numbly pressed all of the buttons on the intercom, until someone buzzed her up. With no key to her apartment, she used one of the hairpins jammed into her mass of dark curls to jimmy the lock, and then bolted and chained herself inside, falling back against the door and sliding all the way down it to the floor. She stayed there for a few moments, her head in her hands as she grit her teeth and tried not to cry, before she was overwhelmed again. Thoughts of Kara in her wedding dress assaulted her mind, memories of her walking down the aisle, towards Lena, only not to her, of the smile reserved for Mike, and the sea of faces in the crowd. As she sat there, her breathing ragged as her chest heaved and hot tears spilled down her cheeks, the bridesmaid dress seemed to constrict, suffocating her as the silk clung to her sweaty skin.
Staggering to her feet, Lena desperately clutched for the zipper, her breathing becoming more ragged as she panicked, her fingers shaking as she tried to undo the dress, growing more and more agitated as she struggled. All but tearing her way out of it, she let it fall to the floor around her, a seam split and the hem dirty from trailing along on the street, and she hurried towards the bathroom, the sharp taste of bile in her throat.
Vomiting into the toilet, she crawled into the shower and curled up on the floor, fumbling for the tap and letting out a shaky, uneven breath as hot water splashed down onto her upturned face. Dragging the hairpins out of her drenched hair, her scalp dotted with pain as she clumsily pulled strands of her hair out in a hurry, she sat on the floor and let the water wash away the tension in her muscles, to no avail. She could’ve sat there all night and it wouldn’t have made a difference.
After scrubbing at her makeup, until her skin was red and raw from the friction of trying to remove it, she shut the hot water off and climbed to shaky legs. Slipping on her silk robe, the fabric sticking to her soaking wet skin, she left a trail of water down the hallway, and grabbed a bottle of brandy still holding a few fingers of amber liquid. Unscrewing the cap, she drained it in a few mouthfuls and set it down on the counter, gasping as it burned her throat and settled in her stomach. Reaching for the next bottle - some white rum - she likewise unscrewed the cap and took a swig, before carrying it over to the kitchen table and sitting down.
Over the course of the next few hours, she emptied a tissue box all over the table, each one wet with her tears or from blowing her nose, and made a collection of bottles on the kitchen counters, making her way through the dregs of her liquor cabinet, growing tipsier and tipsier with each sip. Eventually, her mind was reeling too much, the room swaying as she blinked sluggishly, for her to even be able to feel anything. She was numbed to the dull ache in her chest, sitting slumped in the kitchen chair, her eyes red and sore and her hand listlessly clutching a bottle of cognac.
The sun was setting outside, the sky darkening shade by shade, the perfect day nearly at an end, when there was a knock on the door. No one had called her - she didn’t even have her bag with her - so she didn’t know who to expect, but she didn’t care anyway. Kara would be married by now, having her first dance, or cutting the cake, and her friends would all be there too, with her daughter, and it could’ve been Lex for all she knew, but she didn’t care.
Lurching to her feet, she staggered towards the door, the floor swaying beneath her unsteady feet, and her fingers fumbled on the deadbolt, the chain and the lock, before she yanked it open. Alex was standing there, her short hair windswept, a leather jacket paired with jeans and a t-shirt, and a grave look on her face. In that moment, Lena knew what had happened. In her drunken haze, she still managed to understand, and her knees went weak beneath her as she clutched the doorframe, eyes squeezed shut as the breath came rushing out of her lungs.
“She didn’t do it,” she slurred.
Opening her eyes, she peered up at Alex, who gave her a hard look, her brown eyes disapproving and her lips a thin line. Lena saw the slap coming, but she didn’t try to stop it. It hit her across her left cheek, and she leant into it, feeling the stinging pain lance across her face, head whipping to the side as she was rocked backwards. Taking a few heavy steps backwards, trying to regain her balance, she numbly reached up to touch the tender skin of her quickly reddening cheek, before pressed her lips into a hard line and giving Alex a stiff nod. She deserved it. She knew she deserved it, because Kara hadn’t married Mike, and it was all her fault.
Stepping into the apartment, Alex slammed the door shut behind herself and took a step towards Lena, who eyed her warily. And then Alex pulled her into a tight hug, holding her up as Lena’s legs went out from underneath her, and although she’d thought she was completely spent, she started to cry. This was a different kind of crying, full of relief and guilt, and she let herself be held for a moment as she sobbed into the front of Alex’s jacket, seeking forgiveness from the only person that was there. She’d hurt Alex’s sister, and she had every right to hate Lena, but she’d come anyway.
“Sam’s taken Laurel for the night.”
Letting out a shaky sigh of relief, Lena felt some of the tension inside her fade away, nodding as much as she could as she was pressed against Alex’s shoulder. Forcibly pushing her back, Alex met her glassy eyes, smelled the alcohol coming off her in waves, and took in the collection of empty bottles and the pile of tissues on the table, before letting out a heavy sigh. Running a hand through her short hair, she jerked her head towards the table and guided Lena towards her chair, steering her by the elbow.
“You know I really fucking hate you right now,” Alex said with a sigh, taking the bottle of cognac off the table and taking a sip, “but I also really fucking love you too.”
Laughing, Lena wiped her face and sniffed, her voice scratchy as she replied, “yeah, because I had the guts to do what nobody else would. So now she gets to hate me, instead of you.”
Flinching slightly, Alex slowly nodded, a solemn look on her face. “That’s … fair.”
They were silent for a few moments, sitting in the darkness of twilight, the last few rays of sunlight sinking down behind the towering office buildings, and Lena hunched over the table, her dark hair falling into her face, as she tried to make sense of the chaotic feelings inside her. Kara hadn’t married him. Whether it was because she loved Lena, or because she knew that, ultimately, Lena was right, regardless of their feelings for each other, she didn’t know, and it didn’t matter. As awful as she felt, she was relieved too. She hadn’t asked Kara to pick her, she’d just wanted to be honest and tell Kara that she deserved better. Lena didn’t think that was her, even though she’d hoped she could’ve been enough. And even if it wasn’t her, Kara had realised her self-worth. In spite of it all, that was the most important thing. That Kara didn’t settle for less than she deserved.
“She won’t hate you forever,” Alex softly said, giving her a grim smile, “but she’s hurt.”
“I know,” Lena hoarsely replied.
“You should’ve told her sooner.”
Nodding, Lena toyed with a tissue, sniffing as she mentally kicked herself for making such a mess of things. She was supposed to be the mess. Nothing else, just her. Kara was supposed to be happy, supposed to be going on her honeymoon and planning on starting her new life with a new husband, in a new house. A life without Lena. But she couldn’t sit by and lie and let Kara make a mistake. Because it was so painfully obvious that it was a mistake, yet no one had said it quite as plainly as Lena.
“You should have told her it was a mistake when she said yes,” Lena softly shot back, too tired to even muster up the energy to argue properly. “You knew she was too good for him, but you let her plan this whole thing. You were going to let her throw her life away. What kind of sister does that make you?”
Bristling slightly, Alex fixed her with a flat stare as she raised the bottle to her lips and took another sip. Setting it down with a thud, she cleared her throat, looking slightly ashamed. “A supportive one.”
“Supportive,” Lena scoffed, a wry smile curling her lips. “Yeah, I tried that too. Somehow, it didn’t make it any easier.”
“I know you love her, but it’s over now. It’s going to be okay,” Alex gently told her, nudging the bottle closer to her, “it’s going to hurt for a little while, but you just- you need to give it time. Okay? You’ll get over her.”
Picking the bottle up, Lena took a long swig of it and set it down on the table, gently running her fingertips over the glass, her eyes burning as she swallowed down her bitter regret. “I don’t want to get over her, and I won’t be okay. Not without her. I know that, because I’ve tried to be okay without her, and it just- I’m not. I don’t know who I am without her.”
“You won’t be without her,” Alex softly reassured her, “she’ll forgive you. Eventually. You’re Kara and Lena. It doesn’t work when you’re not together.”
Tears slid down Lena’s cheeks, and she quickly wiped them away, shifting uncomfortably as she cleared her throat. Taking another sip, she passed the bottle to Alex, and they sat in silence for a few minutes, the tension hanging heavily over them as they each brooded over their own thoughts. Eventually, Lena cleared her throat and looked to Alex, a guilty look on her blotchy face.
“How is she?”
“As well as you can expect,” Alex grimaced, shrugging slightly. “She’ll be okay though.”
Nodding, Lena clenched her teeth, the muscles jumping slightly in her jaw, and she ran a hand through her unruly hair. “I know she won’t want to see me for a while - maybe not for a long while. Will you tell her I’m sorry? I didn't mean to hurt her.”
“Sure, Lena. I’ll tell her,” Alex murmured, pushing her chair back and climbing to her feet. Passing behind Lena, she reached out to give her shoulder her a slight squeeze of reassurance. “You should probably stay away for a while. Just until it doesn’t hurt as much.”