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"And I was running far away,
Would I run off the world someday?
Nobody knows, nobody knows.
[...]
But I kept running
For a soft place to fall."
AURORA, Runaway (x)
Nami can't stop thinking, today.
The crew knows it. They make sure to let her think; they're probably not sure what she's thinking about, exactly, but they know it's serious. It's not exactly hard to guess; she's sitting just at the edge of her tangerine grove, her eyes staring at the trees without really seeing them.
Everyone know to leave her alone when she's doing this.
And it's what they do. It shows, if you know how to look, like Nami does; shows in the way Luffy, Usopp and Chopper make sure to keep their game of tag away from her, shows in the way the sniper dropped by earlier, casually asking if she was okay -worried, but hiding it well-, shows in the way Robin hasn't tried to talk to her about the book she's currently reading like she does usually, and, perhaps most glaringly obvious of all, shows in the way Sanji hasn't refilled her cup of tea for the past two hours.
Nami doesn't know what has taken to her. She's not usually this- melancholic? Contemplative?
She's thinking, yes, but she's thinking in circles. She tried to be productive, earlier, but she ended being distracted by her own thoughts.
She keeps remembering Thriller Bark. Keeps remembering Zoro, bleeding and nearly dying and still refusing to say anything, keeps remembering the way she had glanced at Luffy, who definitely didn't look like he had taken down a Shichibukai and a frozen zombie giant, and understood.
She had been too worried to smile, back then. She does now.
Of course Zoro would declare his eternal loyalty to his captain in such a dramatic and obvious manner.
(And of course Luffy would still manage to miss it.)
Her captain, Nami thinks, is strange. There's no denying it; he is. He's strange in a good way, though; in a familiar way. Her captain's strange, but he's also charismatic, in a way that's difficult to comprehend. Because- once he decides that you're his, and no one else's, he'll fight the world itself to keep it that way- and to make you happy, too.
He's like a second sort of air you don't know you needed until he gets here; and once he's there, you can't imagine letting him go.
Well-
Nami couldn't imagine letting him go; even if she nearly did, in the end. Even she nearly left without a goodbye, to try and save what was left of her home. Even if she betrayed them- him.
(She wonders, sometimes- though not very often, for the past is the past and the past doesn't matter within her crew-, what would have happened if he hadn't followed her; if he had decided, like many others would have, that she wasn't worth the effort.
But of course, Luffy isn't the others. He was always going to follow her; she was his navigator and no one else's.
She wouldn't have it any other way. She can't seem to find an interest in mapping a world he doesn't rule over.)
She's always been independent. Almost to an unhealthy amount, once Belmer was gone. She used to think she worked better alone.
(After Luffy defeated Arlong, when they first got into the Grandline, she hadn't shaken off this habit yet. It took her collapsing from exhaustion from working too hard (watching for storms, and calculating wind patterns, and searching for the fastest way to get to Alabasta, and making her maps, and keeping her crewmates in check) and Luffy saying in a too-serious kind of voice "Why didn't you ask us to help, Nami?" for her to start really relying on others.
On Usopp, Vivi and Sanji, mainly; she loves Zoro and Luffy dearly, but leaving them in charge of a ship, even for minutes, is a bad idea.)
But once Luffy and his annoying habit of turning someone's world upside-down came along- it changed. It wasn't fast, exactly; she spent eight years working alone. Two weeks, against eight years? It wasn't much.
She still won't let anyone help her calculate the wind. On particularly dangerous, storm-prone weeks, she'll still wake up every two hours, to check the course of the ship, no matter who's on watch. She can't bear to let the log-pose away, even when she's showering, because too much depends on her getting them to the next island.
She can't help it; these are habits that kept her alive when she was on her own. She doesn't know how to forget them; it's been carved in her brain.
But her first reflex when a fight starts isn't to hide anymore. She's seen more islands, witnessed more miracles, had more adventures than she ever dreamed of.
She's got friends -family-, she can count on and she's closer to her dream than ever.
She's always been independent- and the truth is, sometimes it scares her, how much of her life depends on these people. How much she would sacrifice to keep them safe and happy.
(Luffy's the captain; he's the one the enemies focus on, and the one they fear, when he's looking at them with pure hatred for hurting his friends, when he's doing the impossible because someone he cared about asked for his help. He's the one they are whispers about, sometimes. It's normal.
But Nami knows-
Nami has seen the way Robin looks at them, sometimes, the same way she looked in Enies Lobby -completely willing to die if it would keep them safe. Nami has seen Zoro covered in blood and barely standing and still protecting his crewmates, because when it comes to the people he loves, he'll never fail. Nami has seen Usopp, so scared that he barely remembers to breathe, go completely still in a way she's only ever seen on people prepared to die for what they believe -on Belmer's face, before she died-, and shoot down people that could crush him to protect what he loves. Nami has seen Brook lose his manners completely and utterly, and slash through people's throats, whispering in their dying ears "Never again." Nami has seen Sanji burn -literally an metaphorically- and surrendering himself to what he fears the most in order to keep them safe -because he fears losing them more than anything. Nami has seen Chopper completely lose himself because who cares if he's becoming a monster? He needs to protect his crewmates.
People should fear all of them. They're nice- but they're pirates. No rules will ever apply to them.)
She forgets, sometimes, what it's like to be alone. She knows how it hurts- how there's a pressure on her chest and sometimes it gets hard to breathe. She knows it's an horrible feeling, one she'd rather never feel again -though she'll do it if she needs to.
But she forgets what it's like. She forgets she didn't spend all her life surrounded by her crewmates' voices and laugh. She forgets that she didn't always know to never ever ever ever let Brook watch over the ship on a foggy night; forgets that she didn't always recognize the look on Usopp's face when he's thinking about his parents; forgets that she didn't always have an unshakable faith in these people.
And the only reason she can let herself forget- the only reason she can look ahead without turning back- is because Luffy looked at her, some day, and decided she was his.
(She used to hate the way Arlong looked at her and said "my navigator". She didn't want to be his-she couldn't breathe when he said it. She didn't belong to her mother's murderer, her sister's torturer. She couldn't belong to him.
She hated it hated it hated it. She hated every single scrap of money she got her hands on, because it was never enough.
Arlong said "navigator" and meant "tool".
But when Luffy looks at her and say "That's Nami. She's my navigator!", it doesn't mean anything else than that. She's his navigator; she's the one that will guide him on the seas he'll one day rule. It's an universal truth.
It doesn't bother her to call Luffy captain. It doesn't bother her that she's his navigator.
It's so important, this truth, and she doesn't even know if Luffy knows it.)
Nami looks at him, and thinks - I would give you the world, if I could. I would burn it down if you asked. I would change the color of the sky and dry the oceans if that was what it took to make you happy. Do you know ? Do you know who you are and what you did? Do you realize the power of your words and the importance of your smile? Do you know, I wonder, I would gladly die for you to be King ?
But Luffy's oblivious; Luffy thinks there's nothing his crewmates can't do, as if they're the walking miracles.
Yeah, right.
She's staring at him, a little fond and a little exasperated of her captain's madness.
Luffy, apparently sensing her gaze on him, looks up and smiles at her.
- Nami! He calls, and everyone turns to look at him, because he's talking to her and it's a tacit agreement that they're supposed to leave her alone today.
But Luffy doesn't follow the rules.
- Come play! He says.
Do you know? Do you care? Do you realize, how much you've changed, how you turned my world, all our worlds, upside-down? Do you know, I wonder...
She gets up and smiles. There's something not quite right in her smile; it's a little bit too soft and grateful, not the malicious grin she's used to show to anyone.
It's the sort of smile only her crewmates and her sister have ever witnessed. Genzo never got to see it, because this smile has been forged during the years she was all alone, when the only one she could talk to was Nojiko. This smile is heavily guarded, rare to see.
Usopp and Chopper see it, and they narrow their eyes.
Luffy doesn't seem to notice- but Nami knows better. There's a little bit of tenseness in his shoulders, and it's her fault, really- she usually smiles like that before serious conversations and heartbreaking moments.
She shakes her head a little, before replying.
-No thanks, Captain. I've got maps to draw and the log to update. I'll go work on it- the weather should stay clear, but if there's even the shadow of a dark cloud, call for me, otherwise we might damage Sunny pretty badly.
-You wouldn't let that happen, says Luffy, in a way that's too serious, like they're talking about something else entirely.
(It's sometimes overwhelming, the trust her captain has in her.
Luffy doesn't believe she can do anything but the best; it's a lot of pressure to shoulder. It's a lot of expectations.
But Nami's dream is to make a map of the world. She can handle expectations.)
She pulls her hair up in a ponytail, just for the sake of doing something with her hands. She doesn't let herself linger on Luffy's faith in her.
- I wouldn't, but only if you warn me if there's a storm cloud like I asked, she insists. Understood?
- We'll do it, Nami! Chirps Chopper. We don't want Sunny to get hurt!
Usopp and Luffy nod along, but just to be completely sure she shoots a look at Robin, who smiles at her, an odd glint in her eyes, like she knew what the navigator had been thinking about the whole time.
She probably knew.
Whatever: the archaeologist will definitely notice if there's a storm coming, so she can leave reassured.
- See you at dinner, then. Don't come bother me!
(He will. They will. She knows it; she knows them too well. Now that she has moved from her spot, they're all going to check up on her. Usopp's going to drop by, what, thirty minutes from now? Asking if he can help her. She'll say no, add that's she's fine, and he'll go reassure Chopper that he doesn't need to worry about her. Sanji will come an hour later, asking if she needs anything, and she'll probably go out on the deck to discuss with him and Franky about Sunny's state, how much food they have left, and how much time they have left before the next island, like they do every three days or so. She'll go back to drawing, Zoro will probably get in a fight with Sanji and she'll be forced to break them up, Brook will ask to see her panties and she'll try to give him a concussion once again. Robin will pop an eye at some point to check on her, or maybe she will come to her in person, she's not sure.
Her crewmates are predictable in their worry. The only one she's not sure about is Luffy, who might leave her alone until dinner or annoy her endlessly if he feels like it; or he might just say one of those sentences that seem to cut Nami roight down to her soul, with a certitude that her captain will be King.
She probably won't make any progress on her maps, but, well, she made them worry all day long- the least she can do is assure them that she's fine.)