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“ It’s a little sudden but I think I will hang from my neck now.
I think I want to say farewell because of this miserable world. ”
Virgil just had enough.
Being just 20 years old and already giving up on the world seems like a stupid decision, but he honestly didn’t care about it. The world just seemed awful for him. Too much hate, too much trouble, it was just shit, to put it easy.
Now sure, anyone who would know him might say he had no reason to think such thoughts, he had an ordinary good life. Living with three good friends, keeping a normal part-time job, having come from a pretty good life, but still, Virgil just felt like he was done with it. Did it made sense? Maybe not. But he never judged someone else feelings, so he definitely wasn’t going to judge his own, and all he felt, was emptiness and an apathy towards the world and everything on it. And all he knew, is that he didn’t want to feel that anymore.
That’s why today he had decided to just end it all. The thought just came out of nowhere, really, he was just finishing brushing his teeth to get ready for his work looking at himself in the bathroom mirror, his black circles under his eyes from behind his purple bangs from his black hair stared back at him, then the thought of just hang himself and end it all came to him out of nowhere. And to be honest, Virgil thought that was a good idea. Old fashioned “hanged from the neck” way to go. Yup. He was going to do it. Nothing would stop him, he had made his mind and was going to do it as soon as he was back from his work this afternoon. He was sure a rope that could hold him for long enough would be easy to find around the place, one of his roomates, Roman, usually had a lot of stuff he brought home from his performances at the theater, surely there was some prop he could borrow for the occasion, not like he would be around to hear Roman complain about it, right?
Quickly leaving his room, Virgil walked to the door at the end of the corridor, the “spare bedroom” that nowadays was mainly a room where anyone from the house could keep spare things they didn’t have the space for, and surely, there in one corner was a huge box where Roman would keep anything he brought home from the acting classes, spare lights, random pieces of clothing, random props, and for Virgil delight, a large rope that was probably use in the curtains of the stage, he just had to tie the right knot and it would work just fine. Quickly grabbing it and leaving the room, Virgil stepped back into his room and left the rope underneath his pillow in his bed, he didn’t know when Roman would be coming back today, but just in case he came earlier than him and went looking for the rope, he decided to just hide it a little.
Grabbing his belongings, Virgil began to make his way out of the house, but before he could, he was stopped by another one of the integrants of the house, Patton, who was currently the only one home apart from Virgil, staying away from his own job due to a cold he had caught the other day, despite insisting on being alright already, he was still forced to stay home for one more day. Patton was nice, probably one of the nicest people in the house if you asked Virgil, he would always care for everyone in the house, so it was no surprise when he stopped Virgil from leaving without eating again. Patton had made his famous pasta, so maybe Virgil just couldn’t resist taking some small bites before heading out, he might had the risk of being a few minutes late, but his boss was honestly so chill, he doubted he would mind. After finishing the dish, he quickly said his goodbyes to Patton and headed out. Yeah, Patton was nice. Virgil imagined he would probably be pretty upset when he finds out his plans for tonight, but then again, Patton still would have the support of the other two residents of the house, so really, he would be fine in a while, and also hey, he wouldn’t need to worry so much about him anymore, that probably would made his life easy, not having to look out for Virgil so much.
Again, there was no reason for him to not go on with his plan.
His day went by slowly, seemed like his shift would never end. Figures, the day he was hoping to leave earlier, the whole coffee shop is filled with customers. Oh well, nothing he could do about it, he just kept working until it was time to go. Once that time finally came, he gathered his stuff and said his goodbyes to the other staff of the shop. His job was mediocre at best, not the most fancy thing, but hey, the paycheck was enough for him, and the rest of the people working there were pretty nice, sucks that his boss Remy would need to look for some other employee tomorrow, but Virgil was sure he could do it in no time. No need to worry about it.
Arriving home, he could smell food, Patton was probably already cooking dinner, he couldn’t hear Roman’s loud voice anywhere in the house, meaning he wasn’t home yet, a quick peek through the room of third resident of the house, Logan, confirmed the man wasn’t home yet as well. Perfect. The less people around the easier would be, it probably would suck if Patton was the one to find him, all alone, but he knew that for Patton already be cooking, meant the other two would be home shortly, all he needed was to lock himself in his room, Patton always respected his privacy after all, the other would only call him when the other had arrived and it was time to eat, and if all went well, Virgil would already be done with his plan by then. Virgil just gave a quick “Hey” to Patton to let him know he was home, and went straight to his room after Patton noticed him and happily said his hello as well.
Once in his room, Virgil just threw his bag on the floor and turned to lock his room, couldn’t have anyone coming in too early after all, he let out a sigh as he took a look around, he could probably use the curtains rack to tie the rope, they were far away from the window so he could easily stand on a chair, put the rope around his neck and kick the chair away. With his plan already in mind, Virgil went to his bed to retrieve the rope he had left there to begin to tie the knot.
But… when he got to his bed there was a problem.
He couldn’t find the rope anywhere.
" But, y'know... about that...
There isn't any rope for me to use for neck-hanging.
Isn't life just wonderful?
Isn't life just wonderful?
Thanks to the lack of a neck-hanging rope,
I am still alive. "
Virgil was almost turning his room upside down, he was SURE he had left the rope in his bed, right?! He looked under his bed, maybe it had fell? Nope, there was nothing. No rope anywhere in his room. There is no way Roman had come home early and got the rope back right? No, he definitely would have heard him if he was home, and if he had found that Virgil had taken one of his “precious props” Roman would have confronted him the moment he stepped home. So… where could have the rope had gone? Did...Did Patton take it? It wasn’t uncommon for him to tide and clean the others rooms, but is not like he could just go to him and ask “Hey Pat, did you grab the rope in my room?” That would raise too much questions.
His thoughts were broken by Patton’s voice calling him to eat, the other were probably already home then, he honestly didn’t even hear them… How long was he searching for the rope?? Well, that didn’t matter anymore. Virgil could kiss that plan goodbye, he probably would come up with something else.
Guess he was going to stay alive for a little longer.
" This next time for sure, y'know.
I think I will plan for a briquette suicide.
As I'm poisoned by carbon monoxide,
I want to see my life flash before my eyes. "
Virgil had got it. There was no way his next plan to end it all would fail. Death by asphyxiation seemed like a good idea, maybe it would take a while but it would get the job done and that was all that mattered. Maybe his mistake last time was relying on someone else for the materials, but not this time, he already had his own lighter, all he needed was the coal, which he could easily buy by himself, he didn’t even need to work today, someone else would take his shift, he could do it right now in he wanted.
Thinking about where he could do it was a little difficult, his room was the easiest choice, but then again, the smell definitely would bring attention from Roman, who apparently was ALSO staying home since someone from his team in his acting class had injured themselves and couldn’t be at the set, and without them they couldn’t really rehearse their lines. Oh well, that wouldn’t stop Virgil from doing it anyway. He and Roman had… their differences, they weren’t enemies or hated each other, not really, there were moments were they could easily spend time together, but sometimes their views of something just conflicted with the other. Virgil will admit, it was worse in the past when they had barely all moved together, but nowadays it was all mainly just silly bickering and friendly teasing. Would Roman miss that when he was gone? …Nah. Roman was a strong person. He might get upset but he would quickly recover, probably going out saying something like how “he won’t let that get him down and will keep going after his dreams.” Yeah. Roman would be fine.
No reason for Virgil to not go forward with this.
After a while of thinking, he decided the basement was probably a good place to do it. It was obviously a really closed place, and was rather away from Roman’s room, so Virgil doubted he would be able to smell the burning coal until it was already done. Today was the day then. Virgil took out his lighter from his hoodie pocket, giving a few flicks to see the flame come to life, the lighter was ready, all he needed was the coal. He went back upstairs, grabbing his wallet from his room and leaving his lighter in the kitchen counter, Virgil shouted a quick “I’m going shopping.” for Roman, who was currently sitting in the living room watching a movie, and when the other asked “What for?” Virgil answered with a “Just buying some stuff I need.” before leaving the house.
He took a while at the market, lot of people which meant quite long lines, Virgil should probably have expected that in a friday afternoon, but oh well. He was already on his way home with the coal package in hands. Getting back home, hiding the package on his back, he took a quick look at the living room and not seeing Roman anywhere, he could hear some voices coming from his room, whoever, which meant Roman was done with the movie and probably studying the lines of his next play in his room. Perfect. Virgil grabbed his lighter from the kitchen counter and went straight to the basement.
Virgil doesn’t even remember why they kept a small grill underneath there, but it definitely would be handy, so he wasn’t going to complain, setting up the coal in the grill, he poured almost the whole package, hey, he was going to kill himself here, not make a BBQ, better make it worth it. Taking a look at his work he decided it was good enough, making sure there weren’t any flammable objects nearby (he definitely didn’t want to end up burning the whole house down, after all) Virgil picked his lighter and got ready to light the pile of coal.
But… There was a problem.
No matter how much he tried to, the lighter wouldn’t produce any flames.
" But, y'know... about that...
My lighter has run out of oil.
Isn't life just wonderful?
Isn't life just wonderful?
Thanks to my lighter’s oil running out,
I am still alive. “
How...Was that possible?! Virgil had just checked it before he went to the market, had it ran out of oil already? He was sure it had enough for this, what happened? Did...Did Roman get rid of the oil? No… He wouldn’t do that would he? Sure, Virgil left the lighter home, but Roman never budged from the sofa when watching a Disney movie, he wouldn’t have the trouble to grab Virgil’s lighter and empty it… Would he?
Welp. Whatever. There went another plan down the drain. Legging out a loud groan, Virgil got up and began to clean the mess he made, putting all the coal back in the package and the grill on the place it was before, Patton definitely would find a use for all this, anyway. He went upstairs and went to clean his hands in the bathroom, he could hear Logan and Patton chatting in the entrance, both were home.
Well, guess he was staying alive for another day.
“ This third time, I honestly think
I will swallow medicine and say goodbye.
I’ll wash down a bunch of pills with some water.
I think I will wait for that time in my futon. “
Okay, Maybe the problem was that Virgil was trying too hard. Too many fancy attempts, too much work putted on them. This time he was just going plain and simple. Medicine overdose should be easy and simple, he already did take some medicine due to his anxiety problems, so honestly, it would be easy. He should have thought of this from the start.
The only thing was that today was saturday, which meant pretty much everyone was home, Roman had no acting today, and both, Logan and Patton, being high-school and a preschool teachers respectively, were also home since there were no classes today. But the good thing about overdose was that it was silent. No noise, no smell, Virgil could do it in his room, no problem.
Walking to the living room, Virgil only found Logan there, curious, he asked where the other two residents where, to which without even looking up from his notes with his class plans, Logan answered with a “Patton went grocery shopping, and Roman went to the theater to try some of his next costumes, I believe.” That was convenient, Virgil gave Logan a quick nod and went to the bathroom, taking a minute to wash his face and then going after the bottle with his pills in the medicine cabinet. Well, only Logan being home definitely made things even easier. Virgil always found Logan to be interesting, the other had some troubles when it came to genuine emotions and feelings, and had the habit to correct any mistake anyone else in the house made, pretty much thinking he was the voice of reason of the place. It could get annoying, but he honestly always meant well, even if the others didn’t notice all the time. Logan was just bad at voicing his emotions, looking for a answer in everything since for him only logic made sense. He cared and worried, he was just bad at expressing these feelings. Virgil wondered for a minute how Logan would react when he was gone, he probably would be the most calm-minded of all, sure, he would get upset and probably start asking why Virgil did what he did, but he probably would keep a calm mind, try to be strong for the others, everyone dies after all, even if his death has come earlier, Logan would definitely be okay. He had the strongest mind of everyone in the house after all, he wouldn’t let that get him down.
Virgil could keep going with his plan. There was no reason not to.
Grabbing the bottle, Virgil went back to the kitchen to grab a cup of water to head to his room. He decided that lay on his bed while waiting for the overdose would be better than staying up and making too much sound falling into the ground or something that would alert Logan. He was about to fill the cup with water in the sink when Logan suddenly called him from the living room, letting out a sigh and leaving the cup on the sink and the bottle in his hoodie pocket, he went to see what the other wanted. Looking at him, Logan was still in his spot in the sofa with his folder in hands, turning to Virgil and adjusting his glasses he just asked “Could you assist me with something? I need some more markers to finish some of my future works with my students, but it seems I have run low on refills, I am certainly Patton keep some in the garage somewhere, could you do me the favor to check for them? I would appreciate the help as I am rather catch up with these.” He finished adjusting some more papers in the folder, letting out another sigh, Virgil answered with a “Sure…” and went to check the garage.
Why did they keep so many useless junk again?! Sure, Patton usually would do some painting as a hobby, but there is no way someone needs THAT many brushes, some of them were even broken but weren’t thrown out! It took Virgil some good 15 minutes to search for those stupid refills, grabbing the whole box with them and returning inside, he saw Logan just getting back into the sofa, walking to him and giving the box, Logan grabbed it and gave Virgil a quick “Thank you for the assistance.” to which Virgil just murmured some incomprehensible response but that Logan understood anyway, before walking back to the kitchen. Patton and Roman still weren’t home. It was fine. He could just grab his water and pills and go to his room and get this whole thing done with, he already wasted enough time. He grabbed the cup and took it to the tap, ready to fill it with water.
But… There was a problem.
He turned the tap on, but absolutely no water came out, no matter how long he waited.
" But, y'know... about that...
My water service was turned off and cancelled. “
Isn't life just wonderful?
Isn't life just wonderful?
Thanks to forgetting to pay my water bill,
I am still alive and living even longer. ”
How… There was water just a minute ago! Virgil perfectly remember washing his face when he went to grab his pills in the bathroom! There was no way their water had gotten cut either, Logan and Patton always made sure to pay the bills in time, what was going on? Virgil quickly went back to the living room, asking Logan WHY did they have no water, to which the other looked up from his files before answering “Hm, I can’t say I know. I personally paid the water bill this month, perhaps there is some problem in the street pipes and the water from the whole street had to be cut so it could be fixed.” He then adjusted his glasses once more before pulling a thinking face, Virgil just stood there in disbelief, really?! He literally left the house yesterday! He was pretty sure he would have noticed if there was a water leak or something that needed to be fixed, he walked out of the living room, maybe it was just the kitchen sink. Yeah, maybe it was. He checked all the other sinks in the house just to be sure.
None of them worked. Not even the showers. There was simply no water anywhere.
That whole thing was starting to get stupid if he was being honest. Whenever they had their water cutted in the past, they could tell hours before! The water would gradually start to get slower until nothing else would come out of the tap, but now it happened almost immediately, like someone straight up turned their water off, but who… Wait… could… Could Logan have turned the house water off completely?! Their water switch is in the basement, the opposite direction to the garage that Virgil went to and spended some good time looking for those stupid refills! But… Why would Logan do that? Looking at his empty cup, Virgil took his pills bottle back to the bathroom, he definitely couldn’t swallow them without some water.
Virgil went into his bedroom and just jumped into his bed. All those occasions where no coincidence. Every. Single. Time. Every time he tried to take his life, SOMETHING happened. WHY?! He just wanted to leave the rotten world he lived in, but still… It was like he was giving second chances every time he tried to kill himself. Angry tears began to make their way into his eyes, he was just frustrated and confused at this point. That should have been easy. Way easier than living right?! Then why… Why was life being so stubborn and not letting him go?!
His frustrations where suddenly interrupted by a knock in his room, quickly wiping the remaining tears from his eyes, Virgil got up to answer the door, he expected either Logan or Patton to be outside, as Roman rarely knocked on the door and would rather make way into the room without warning, opening the door whoever, Virgil was surprised to see not one, but all three of his roomates, his confusion quickly turned to shock when he noticed what each one of them had in their hands.
Patton held the rope he tried to use in the first time, Roman his empty lighter from the second attempt, and Logan his pills bottle he tried to use just a few hours ago. Roman and Logan weren’t looking directly at Virgil, but he could see sad smiles on their faces, turning his attention back to Patton, who also had a sad, but still comforting smile, Virgil was about to ask what this was all about, but Patton beated him to it.
“Hey Kiddo… We… need to have a talk. All of us.”
Virgil gulped, nodding slightly, he made his way with the others to the living room, he knew what this was all about, his guesses of what happened every time one of his suicide attempts failed were right apparently. Virgil would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous about this talk.
“ It’s as if this life is being fickle
and will gain a reason to continue on.
I think that is rather unsightly, yes,
But I wish for socialization. “
The silent was present in the living room, everyone knew there was a problem, but no one wanted to talk first, all the items Virgil tried to use to take his life where laying in the small table in front of the sofa. That silence was painful to Virgil, he was expecting shouting and tears the moment they got here, but instead, there was just silence, why were they so quiet?! Why weren’t they asking what he was thinking?! What was wrong with him?! Virgil as holding onto his knees, trying to make himself see small as possible, maybe he could just say he was sorry and they would let that go? Maybe make up some stupid explanation, he doubted that would really work, but it was better than this agonizing silence. He was about to speak when Logan beated him to it.
“I believe you owe us a explanation, Virgil.”
He did own them, didn’t he? The fact they were still so calm was a little unnerving, but he owned them that much, after all the time they had to deal with Virgil, it was the least he could do. Sighing and sitting up, Virgil just told them everything. How he didn’t see why he should remain living in such miserable world, how there was nothing else to lose, how he just wanted to say goodbye to it all, he doesn’t remember how long he talked all his feelings out, or when the tears began to roll down his face,realization of his own words finally hitting him. Wow. He was being selfish wasn’t he? He had a good life compared to some who had real problems, there was no way to feel like that. He wasn’t alone. He was literally surrounded by people who cared about him so much, they made sure to not let him go forward with his suicide plans, who never minded all the nights Virgil just couldn’t sleep and would instead stay awake walking around the house, who would always ask for his opinion before taking any major decision that would bring change to their lives, if he had just voiced his problems to any of them, they definitely would help him with anything he needed. His explanation got caught in his throat, tears blurring his vision, he was about to apologize when suddenly he got literally tackled by Patton, the other hugging him and whispering encouraging and calming words while patting his back, saying it was alright, that he didn’t need to do anything like that anymore, that they were all there for him. It didn’t take long for Roman and Logan to join in the hug, all also reassuring Virgil that he had their support and help. Virgil could only let out a small “Okay…” before hugging all of them as well, letting more tears roll down his eyes.
Letting your emotions flow surely was tiring, no wonder all of them were tired after this, Virgil thought, all four men were laying in the sofa cuddling, Virgil the only one awake still, took a look at each of them, the ones who worked so hard to make sure Virgil didn’t left them. Maybe the world was rotten and miserable, and there was a lot of hate on it, but he wasn't’ alone. He had support from the best people he had ever met, and definitely had a lot to lose if he just said goodbye to it all. Yeah… Maybe life sucked, but as long as he had the company of the guys who were all cuddled up around him, he would be fine.
“ Appalapa-la pappa!~ “