Chapter Text
Rising from sleep is not something that should be done quickly. It should not be done with surprises or noises and it should not be done urgently. It most certainly should not be done surrounded by strangers in an area that is unknown to you. Unfortunately that is exactly what happened when you woke, sitting up quickly on a cold table. Strangers had been talking around you but now they were quiet, staring at you.
You hurt. Your entire body screamed with pain. You placed a hand to your head and glanced to the small group. “Where am I?” A man began to talk to you but it was hard to concentrate on his voice. He spoke as if underwater, muffled. You blinked sleepily at him and he had stopped speaking before you finally understood his question.
“I know my name.” You said, stating it for him. He asked the date and for some reason that seemed to evade you. “Don’t know.” It was simple enough and though you’d just woken up, you felt your eyes drooping, drawing closed like a heavy curtain. You lay back again, listening to the "Charlie Brown’s teacher" quality of his voice before you drifted back into sleep.
Waking the second time was not as intense, there were only a few people and they weren’t gathered around you so much as generally milling around. You lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling, blinking in confusion. The bed was hard under you, but you thankfully had a pillow beneath your head. Rising slowly, sluggishly, your head was spinning. You pressed a hand to it and closed your eyes. In only moments there was a woman beside you, a hand on your shoulder.
She spoke, though not to you, which was just as good because you couldn’t focus on her yet. When your head stopped spinning you looked to her. “Mr. Stark is on his way. Would you like some ice?” The name was familiar, but you wondered if he was your doctor. Why would she call the doctor mister though? You nodded vaguely and soon had a small cup in your hand filled with ice chips. You used your fingers to grab a piece and popped it into your mouth, gazing around. It didn’t seem like a hospital, not really.
After a moment a man who did not look at all like a doctor came striding over to you. You glanced at him but didn’t recognize him, other than he was the one who had talked to you when you first woke up. The nurse began to talk to him and he stared at you, face serious. When she was done he asked your name and you told him. He asked the year and it frightened you when the dates muddled together in your mind. He asked if you knew his name and you told him he was Mr. Stark. An expression flickered across his face and he asked you to clarify and you shrugged.
“That’s what the nurse called you. Do I know you?”
His face was grim. “You do. You’ve known me for a few years now. It appears you have a concussion and some amnesia.”
“From what?”
He sighed. “I don’t think it’s time for that. That can be discussed later, when you’re better and hopefully can remember yourself. Can you tell me what you do remember? About yourself? Partners, jobs, anything?”
You paled for a second and looked at him. “Are you my partner?”
“What’s with that reaction? You would be lucky to be my partner.” He sighed again and rolled his eyes. “No, I’m not.”
You sighed. There was nothing wrong with him, he wasn’t an unattractive man. Something within you told you that you wouldn’t have dated him though. “I work...for the government.” He gestured at you to elaborate but you shook your head slowly. Some of what you worked on was secret, top secret. You didn't know him or if what he said was true. You couldn’t trust him. Even your injured brain knew that much.
“Does the name Nicholas Fury mean anything to you?” He watched your face but you did not react. You didn’t know the name and said as much. Then he named your boss and despite yourself your eyes shot up to his face. He nodded, frowning deeply.
“So you don’t remember working here, or anything about your time with SHIELD.” Now that sounded familiar, but you couldn’t place why. “The doctor said you should recover over the next few days. We will be keeping watch on you, but until then you can return to your room. You live here and work here, secret stuff. You have many friends and they’ll likely be wanting to check on you.” This information surprised you but only mildly. “There’s actually one here now, waiting for you.”
“I’m an agent.” You said suddenly, remembering. “I work for SHIELD, I remember that now. I don’t...know why or how but…”
A man with glasses came walking over, his face was full of agonised concern. He opened his mouth and started to speak, but you cut him off. “Bruce.” You knew him. Knew his name at the least, but you couldn’t recall details. There was a fondness for him, though, so you knew at least you were friends.
“You remember?” He glanced from you to Tony, face lighting with hope. Tony shook his head. “But she will remember?”
“The doctors said she would, after a few days. She needs to rest, to take it easy. You can take her to her room. I’m Tony, by the way.” Tony said to her, face sour that he wasn’t remembered but Bruce had been.
“Are we friends, Bruce? I remember you but...but not really. But I think we’re friends.” He smiled at her, face bashful.
“We are. Best friends, actually. For some strange reason.” He smiled and offered her his hand.
“Can you tell me about what I’ve forgotten? About my other friends?” Bruce chuckled a little as he helped her from the bed.
“Of course, let’s head to your room and I can talk you through some stuff, I’d be happy to.”
You felt shaky on your legs but he gave you plenty of time. When you started to walk he put an arm around your waist to support you but pulled it away when you seemed to be doing alright, as if he thought better of it. You entered the elevator and pressed a button without thinking about it. You looked to Bruce alarmed, as if to verify you’d picked the right floor.
He nodded to you. He stood close to you, ready to catch you if you fell. His presence was comforting, soothing. Walking out and into what was, you assumed, your area you glanced around. “Bruce…” Your voice trailed off, a little nervous. “Do I...Tony asked me if I remembered a partner...do I have a partner?” You were nervous and sad, you didn’t want to forget someone you loved and hurt them. You turned to Bruce, brows furrowed.
He seemed surprised before his face grew sad. “You, uh, you do. You are in a relationship.” He didn’t speak much more and you chewed your lip and shook your head.
“I don’t remember that. I don’t remember them. I...I don’t want them to know. I don’t want them to know I’ve forgotten them. That’s awful.” You were tired and worn down, emotionally exhausted and you felt tears pricking at your eyes.
“Oh, don’t cry.” He pulled you into a hug and you buried your face in his shoulder. “It’s not your fault but we...we can keep them away, for now.” You wrapped your arms around him.
“Thank you, Bruce. Thank you.” He pulled away from you, moving to grab some tissues and then guiding you to the couch. He sat a polite distance from you, and you wiped your face. “Okay, okay. Tell me...tell me about myself.” You laughed a little and looked to him.
He began to tell you about your life. How you’d been chosen to come to SHIELD as an agent, how you had enamoured yourself to the Avengers. You were friendly with most of them, close with some others. You asked him about Tony, and your relationship and described the man’s distaste at your reaction to him being your boyfriend. Bruce laughed out loud but told you it sounded par for the course. You and Tony had a rather teasing relationship. When Bruce grew quiet, considering his words, you changed the subject.
“What about me and you? How long have we known each other? How long have we been friends?” You smiled at him, interested. He was incredibly sweet. It was no wonder he was a close friend to you, a best friend.
“Uh...well, we met a little before you started here. You’re an agent, I work in the lab most times. A couple of run ins, some conversation. I...it’s hard to try and pinpoint where we went from just acquaintances to friends. I know that you said it first, that we were friends. But after that it was like we couldn’t be separated.” He grinned at you again before shifting awkwardly and rubbing at the back of his neck. “It’s weird talking about you, to you.”
“I’m glad we’re friends though. I don’t...remember you well but you’re so sweet and I can tell that I care about you a lot. You make me feel comfortable.” He grinned a crooked smile and nodded, quiet. “So...that being said...what do you think about my partner? My boyfriend?”
Bruce snorted and cocked his head at you. “I’ve never known you to date a woman, is there something you’ve kept from me?” He was teasing but you blushed.
“No...I...I don’t think so. I just meant...boyfriend, fiance, husband...I don’t know which.”
He blushed now. “Boyfriend. You have a boyfriend.”
You waited for him to continue but he didn’t. “And? How long have we dated? Do you like him? You’re my best friend, I know you have opinions.”
He exhaled a deep breath and awkwardly rubbed at the back of his neck again. “Uh...a little over a year. You’ve been...seeing each other.” He was uncomfortable as he considered his next words. “I don’t know if it’s the right time to discuss that.”
You looked at him suspiciously. “Is there something wrong? Is he not….” You were frightened suddenly. Were you in a bad relationship? Was he mean to you? Abusive? That didn’t sound like who you thought you were at all but you were missing years of your life. “You have to tell me Bruce you can’t-”
You were cut off by a yelled greeting and looked over to see a few strangers entering. Bruce cast you a look but you already knew he wouldn’t discuss whatever it was in front of these people. Two of the three were men, was one of them your boyfriend? They knew your name, of course, and asked how you were. You smiled awkwardly as Bruce explained that your memory wasn’t all there. When asked if you remembered them you shook your head. Quickly you were introduced to them, two agents, Agent Stikes and Agent Royce. Lastly, one Steve Rogers, an avenger.
They seemed a little more open than Bruce and began to tell you stories of how you met and things you’d experienced together. The male agent, Stikes, was going on about how you were enamoured with him and always looked to him for advice and help. Even before you noticed the female agent's face you knew this wasn’t true. You gave him a skeptical look and he gaped at you for a second before falling into a smile.
“I mean it was worth a try, right?” He joked and Agent Royce rolled her eyes.
“Pretty telling that even without a memory she can call you on your bullshit, Stikes.” The woman said and you laughed with her. Talking with them helped a little, you thought, but couldn’t be sure. You felt like you remembered some of the things that they mentioned but were you merely building the memory by their words? Steve didn’t have as many stories of you, but you were touched he’d wanted to check on you. He had apparently seen you get injured. You had started to ask what had happened but he suddenly closed his mouth like he’d said too much. Everyone seemed uncomfortable, even Bruce and you looked at them nervously.
“Well that’s not ominous at all. Come on, what happened to me?”
“You were injured in the line of duty.” Steve spoke. “It was an error, but it’ll be best for you to remember everything first. The important thing is that you’re okay.” He put a hand on your knee and gave you a dazzling smile. You couldn’t help but feel like a child scolded by the teacher. Somehow you knew this was a common feeling to get from Steve.
After an hour of conversation you started to feel tired and they noticed. Steve was quick to draw the meeting to a close, ever the good teacher. They rose to leave, and Bruce did too. You got a strong hug from Royce, who kissed your cheek and said she was glad you were okay. Stikes pulled you into an awkward half-hug that made both of you laugh. Steve offered a strong handshake and you found yourself grinning because you knew that it was typical Steve, ever the gentleman. They left together and then Bruce started to make his way past you, talking about sleeping and this and that. You reached out and grabbed his hand.
“Please don’t leave, Bruce. I don’t...I don’t want to wake up alone.” He turned to look at you, eyes dropping once to the hands that linked you. You let him go, feeling embarrassed and sheepish for touching him so freely.
“I’ll stay.” His voice was quiet, calm. His eyes were troubled.
You swallowed and looked away from his gaze. It was intense, searing through you with emotions you didn’t know how to read but felt that you should. Your eyes watered, tears putting a knot in the back of your throat. “Is that...should I not ask? I just...I don’t know what to do. I feel safe around you and I’m scared to wake up alone. If...if it’s not appropriate someone else can stay with me. Maybe Royce. She seemed nice.” You turned to look towards the elevator as if she’d still be there, but mostly to avoid having to look at him while you cried.
It wasn’t really anything that made you weepy. Perhaps it was part of the concussion. You just couldn’t control the emotions that moved through you. It was all so scary and anxiety inducing. Something about being alone while you slept made you feel like a child afraid of the dark.
“It’s fine that you asked, I’m sorry. It’s not inappropriate. It’s just...uh...it’s nothing. It’s hard for me to...to know what to say. Because I remember and you don’t and it’s....” He exhaled heavily and rubbed a hand over his face, shaking his head. “I can’t imagine what it must be like for you.”
Tears dropped off your face and you stared down at the floor, biting the inside of your lip. You nodded and sniffled. “I’m sorry for crying, I don’t know why I am.”
His voice was soft as he handed you tissues. “It’s okay.”
You wiped your face and he lead you to your bedroom. There was a chaise lounge in there, your reading chair, that you remembered. It sat near the window so you could gaze out and get natural light while you buried your nose in a book. You looked to your dresser and knew where your pajamas were. You headed to the bathroom to change. At least with this you seemed familiar. You changed and glanced around your bathroom, hoping to spark some memories.
There was the thought of you and someone else in the shower. It flashed through your mind like a comet, darting away before you could pull anything into focus. You remembered his hands, his lips. He had you pressed into the wall and was nipping at your neck in ways that made your legs quiver. You remembered him grinding his hard cock into you, teasing you. A knock at the door brought you back, flushed and startled.
“Are you okay?” Bruce called.
“Yes, sorry.” You opened the door and smiled at him. “Just trying to remember things.”
“Remember the bathroom?” He asked, eyebrows rising.
You laughed nervously, blushing again. “Uh, kinda yeah.”
Before you could see his face you turned towards the bed and climbed in. You fell into your pillow with a sigh. Bruce moved to the chair, settling himself.
“Bruce?” You were laid back, covers pulled up. He sat up from the chair a little, staring at you intently. “Thank you. For staying. It means a lot to me.” He relaxed back a little and nodded, smiling softly. “Do you...do you not like my boyfriend?” Your voice was quiet and afraid.
Bruce considered it for a long time as you fought to stay awake. Finally, he answered. “No. I...I don’t.”
You frowned, but were too fuzzy around the edges to do much with that answer. “Oh...I’m sorry. You’re so...nice, too.” The answer you gave made sense to you, because if a guy like Bruce didn’t like your boyfriend...what kind of person was your boyfriend?
When you woke up, bright and early the next day, you saw Bruce sleeping half sitting up in the chair. His head rested on his hand and you felt a flash of guilt for having made him sleep that way. It was hard to try to remember things without any specifics about the memory but you did just that. You wracked your brain for anything about the past few years. You recalled the stories you’d been told yesterday but even they were smudged and fuzzy, a painting from someone else’s perspective rather than your own.
You weren’t sure how long you sat staring into space, thinking hard enough to hurt your head. Mentally scraping at the scraps of memory you did have as if to stretch and pop them and restore it all. It wasn’t until Bruce’s quiet voice disturbed you that you realized he was awake now, staring at you with concern.
“I’m still broken.” You said, your voice flat despite the very real pain you felt over it.
“Temporarily, if anything.” You glanced to him and he nodded. “Like a puzzle.” You smiled crookedly, Bruce always said the right thing. You and your brain both knew this was true. He asked for Jarvis to run some scans on you and the AI reported his limited findings. Satisfied, Bruce helped you up and took you to the living room. “You should still eat light today. Just to be safe.”
You realized then that you were absolutely starving. You opened the fridge and snatched out a yogurt, remembering that you’d just gotten some the other day. As you began to shovel heaping spoonfuls into your mouth you looked at Bruce. He looked wary right away which must have meant he knew the look you were giving him.
“What’s wrong with my boyfriend, Bruce? I need to know.”
He sighed. “Do we have to do this now? You need to get checked in the actual lab by more than Jarvis.”
You sniffed and shot him a look. “That doesn’t mean I’ll stop asking.” You scraped any last remnants from the yogurt container before rising to go get dressed. You dressed and brushed your teeth and Bruce hovered politely just outside. When you emerged you both went to the elevator together and you glanced at him pointedly. He pretended to study the elevator rather than meet your eyes.
You both started walking out of the elevator together, your lips now pressed into a thin line over being ignored. You walked so close to him that your arms almost brushed. Your eyes never left him, staring a hole into the side of his head.
He finally sighed. “I just...we talked about my reasons before you lost your memory. You knew what I had to say on it. I shouldn’t have told you what I did. You’d be angry with me if you were really…” He stopped, his words and his walking, looking to you with panic and guilt in his eyes.
“It’s okay. I’m not really me right now. They say my memory will come back but...what if it doesn’t? You’ll have to tell me your concerns again anyway. Please, Bruce. I have to know.”
He exhaled heavily, agitated at himself. “He’s not good for you.” He finally spat, making a point to not look at you. “You deserve better than he has to offer and...your life is already threatened enough without adding another thing. He can’t be what you need and I hate it, I hate it for you.”
You blinked at him, watching his face. He was right, you didn’t like his reasons. You nodded when he glanced to you and looked away from him. “Well, your reasons aren’t very good.” You said, a little snippy. “In fact, it almost sounds like you’re jealous.” With that you started forward again, leaving him where he stood. After a few minutes he entered the lab after you, face red. You couldn’t tell if it was anger or embarrassment but you tried not to notice.
You had your check-up and everything seemed good. You could recall the year now and certain details were coming into focus. The doctor seemed pleased with your results.
When you were released Bruce rose to go with you. You ignored him. Bruce cast you a look as you walked down the hall but you kept your eyes straight ahead. “I wasn’t trying to cause trouble. I don’t want to lie to you about how I feel.” His voice was soft.
“Is it real feelings or just jealousy Bruce?”
“It’s...it’s complicated. Both, in a way? I...Not as clean cut as you think.”
You considered this. You walked near to each other in the small hallway. His hand brushed yours. Instinctively you twined your fingers with his and he accepted your hand easily. He didn’t seem to notice at first but you did. You stopped at the elevator, heart thudding. First it was from embarrassment. You knew he was your friend of years but you couldn’t remember those years. He was essentially a stranger. After he so openly accepted your hand and his fingers twined with yours without even alerting him, you stopped to consider things. You looked to him, eyes narrowed. He glanced at you, then saw your look. He seemed to realize and started a little, dropping your hand.
“Bruce…” Your voice was the quiet calm that told of a storm. “Are you my boyfriend?”
He blushed, mouth falling open, a hand flying to the back of his neck as he avoided your gaze. “I...do you...do you remember?”
Now it was your turn to gape at him, eyes wide in disbelief. “You asshole! Of course I would be mad at you for bringing this up, what is wrong with you?” Your voice rose, unbelieving. Why would he do all this? Was it some kind of a test? You were practically quaking with rage as you stomped into the elevator. He followed, slinking like a dog with it’s tail between it’s legs.
“It’s not like that, I promise.” He said, reaching for your hand. You jerked it away.
“You better get to explaining, Bruce. You might have years of relationship to help cover and explain away this fuck up but I do not.”
“I am your boyfriend. We’ve been dating a few years now.” He paused to draw a breath but you interrupted him, unable to stop yourself.
“What were you doing? Why would you say you don’t like my boyfriend? Were you just being melodramatic?”
“No, no, listen please. What I said is true. I don’t like your boyfriend. I don’t like me. I don’t feel like I deserve you or that I could ever give you what you do deserve. I have my issues…”
“This is not turning into another fucking Hulk debacle, Bruce, god damn it.” The words left your mouth before you really knew what you were saying. It was true though, you could recall that you’ve fought with him about this many times. You stormed out of the elevator, barely registering that he was still following.
"I was the one who hurt you! I...I’m the reason you had a concussion. You could have died. Do you expect me to be okay knowing I could have killed you? Am I supposed to be okay knowing that I’m the one who hurt you? I didn’t want to tell you, especially since you didn’t remember me. How’s that for an impression, yeah I’m your boyfriend and I smacked you with a slab of concrete as my alter ego.” His voice was raising, neck turning red...and slightly green. You could see tears in his eyes, but they didn’t fall.
You stopped and turned to him. “Bruce, calm down, please. I’m sorry.” He stared at you for a moment and shook his head, looking away from you.
“We can’t even have a fight without worrying that I’m going to turn into a monster and kill you.” His voice was full of shame, full of anger. “I am jealous. I’m jealous that I can’t have a normal life with you. That any man out there could do right by you, but I’m not one of them.”
You cupped his cheek, brow furrowing. “Bruce…”
“No, no. I didn’t tell you because...I didn’t want to have to tell you the whole story. If you were going to remember me, fine, but I didn’t…” He was avoiding your gaze, his eyes watery. The doors opened and you walked out, he followed hesitantly.
“Bruce, you can’t decide for me. You can’t take away my choice in this. You talk about the life I deserve but what if I don’t want whatever life it is you think I deserve? What if I want the life you can give? What if I think every moment with you is worth the struggle?” His lips thinned into a line. “I could date any number of men and not find one as loving or sincere as you.”
He shook his head slightly, but he glanced back to you. You felt the anger swelling up within you now. You couldn’t remember the talks you’d had about this, couldn’t remember the fights, but you knew they’d happened. You could feel those old emotions swirling in your chest as clearly as the day you had actually felt them. “I could leave you, I could break up with you right now, Bruce.” That caught his attention and he studied your face. “I could go out and find a guy after a few months of sobbing my heart out. He could end up a normal man who can give me this fabled life I deserve. Or he could be abusive and mean, he could be secretly a monster. I could die, not because of any superpower radioactive accident. He could kill me normal, with hands or weapons or words.”
He didn’t know what to say to that and his face paled at the thought. His mouth opened a little and he fought to find the words to dismiss the truth of the statement. You held up a hand. “Speak plainly to me, Bruce. Do you want to be with me?”
His face contorted into one of confusion. You waited with eyebrows raised. “I don’t want to hurt you.” He finally said, voice rough.
“That isn’t what I asked. Either you do or you don’t. It’s either worth risking or it’s not. I don’t know you well right now so if you’re leaving do it before I can remember. Seems only fair.” You were holding yourself together well, but you felt tears threatening to spill. “Stop trying to force me to be the one to choose. I know what I want. I know what’s worth fighting for. Do you?” A tear slipped free and raced to your chin. It was quickly followed by more, you turned your head away and rubbed the heel of your hand across your eyes. “Figure it out.” You said, voice raw with emotion.
You glanced to him once with your teary eyes, long enough to notice his crestfallen face before you moved quickly towards your bedroom. You resisted the urge to slam the door, even though you longed too. You knew it would be over-dramatic but you couldn’t help it. He drove you up a wall. He denied himself happiness for the silliest of reasons and tried to make it about you. It wasn’t you. It was him. He was the only thing standing between himself and happiness. It wasn’t Hulk. It was Bruce Banner.
You plopped on your bed and curled into yourself. Your rage slowly faded into simple sadness and you stopped fighting the tears and let them flow. The doctor had said that your emotions may be hard to control. Your body had suffered a tremendous shock and it wouldn’t be alarming to find yourself overwhelmed easily. Mentally, emotionally, all of it and every flavor in between. You cried quietly into your pillow until your eyes were red and swollen. You didn’t realize you were falling asleep, but it took you all the same. You fell into a fitful sleep with your tears still damp on your cheeks.