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My mum came home to me basically crying two days ago, just starting with my second watch through of Dan’s coming out video. I explained the what and the why of the vid, and reassured her that I was fine (albeit emotional), and then found myself trying to articulate how much this meant to me, why it was so much more than just ‘hey a creator I looked up to for years is lgbt and had a shitty time growing up bc Bullying! That’s cool and also simultaneously sucky!’ I found, however, that I was unable to.
I’ve been watching Dan and Phil’s videos since I was 12 years old, so this obviously was important given I’ve looked up to him for so long, but I wasn’t able to put in to words just why this had had such an emotional effect on me. So I’ve been trying to work out just what impacted me the most about this whole situation, aside from all the obvious things, and I think it’s because I fell into the phandom just as I was realising my sexuality for the first time.
When I first found myself wondering about what it would be like to grow up and marry my best friend, I also found myself watching these two quirky British dudes and trying to work out how to fit them into my life, why I related to them so instantaneously and strongly, in a way I never had before. I couldn’t quite figure it out, but I still loved them and slowly found myself falling into the phandom- and this was the first time I’d understood why people where obsessed with youtube, so was also my first rpf. It was... confusing at times, to say the least.
Various phans were certain they were dating but closeted, and as such their content (or even just the area of the phandom I resided in at this stage) began drawing a lot of young lgbt people who were figuring out who they were and how sexuality worked. Due to the relative anonymity provided by youtube comments, many of those phans began talking about their experiences coming to terms with their sexuality, while simultaneously assuming both Dan and Phil’s.
I saw clips where both Dan and Phil were denying any romantic involvement and interest in dating men posted alongside edited clips and snippets where phans were sure they were looking at each other with something more. I saw posts about respecting their privacy and them being real human beings intermingled with fics and artworks and edits shipping the two in an often forceful way.
As a smol dumb twelvie, I had trouble reconciling these two Internet personalities who had been built up by an admittedly often toxic fandom with living breathing people, until I dug and fell deeper and found out what that aforementioned toxicity had done to their friendship and content in 2012. At that stage I forced myself to stop publicly wondering and theorising our of respect, but still would watch their videos and privately wonder- what if? I avoided the toxic sections of the phandom, and for a while just the phandom in general, choosing to instead just watch their vids quietly and ignore the sheer amount of fan art and fanfic that I incidentally came across as I trawled the Internet, not wanting to contribute to a repeat of the damage from the past.
But even then, the sheer numbers involved in the phandom meant that it was intrinsically linked to my journey of self discovery. I’d find people with Dan and Phil related usernames and profile pics in the comment sections of videos defining pansexuality, and that obvious shared interest bridged the gap between the awkwardness of a conversation with a complete stranger and the desire to find someone who could relate to my journey. Every time I typed ‘Pan Pham!!’ In another youtube comment section was another time I was reaffirming my sexuality to myself, telling myself that it was valid to label yourself at a young age as long as you were willing to accept those labels might change, building up the confidence to tell my friends more than a ‘hey I might be slightly gay’ or ‘lol sometimes I’m not sure if I’m like lgbt or just really, really accepting.’
So seeing this creator who I’ve looked up to for years, who played such a vital yet unknown part in my own path to internal acceptance and trust, have the courage to talk so candidly about his sexuality and his struggles growing up? Well, it was amazing, to put in the simplest terms. I love Dan so much, and I’m so insanely proud of him. He was and still is so important in my ongoing journey towards acceptance of myself, despite all my flaws, and I sincerely hope that we can continue helping and supporting him with his.
I’m here, I’m queer, and my god I’m filled with so much fucking existential fear.