Chapter Text
There are some people who come into your life and it’s like they had always been there. That was how Jaebeom was for Jinyoung. Every memory in his mind was painted with Jaebeom in it. Even if he hadn’t exactly been there, there was always some tie that brought it back to him. The good memories, the bad memories, and every seemingly small moment in between.
Jaebeom had been the one to see him first and he still recounts to friends of theirs that it was love at first sight for him. Jinyoung was the new face at their middle school that year. His dialect leaving him quiet next to the other classmates; a heavily guarded wall up around him. Unsure of anyone who came too close.
Jaebeom was the only one patient enough to chip away at the wall. He had started talking to him, started walking him home, started playing basketball with him at the park after school, started coming over on Saturday afternoons, started sleeping over on Sunday nights, started talking on the phone every night until they couldn’t keep their eyes open anymore. This all kept growing and evolving for years; this consistency that become so critical to their dynamic. Jinyoung’s wall faded as well as his dialect.
But something began to change as they approached graduation. Perhaps it had been changing for a while, but Jinyoung first noticed it when he took his college entrance exams for the first time. He had studied for weeks at a hagwon that his parents could barely afford. He had spent countless hours going over vocabulary, taking practice tests; all with the hope of getting the score he needed for his top pick school.
He remembered sitting in the testing room; two pencils on his desk, perfectly sharpened. Mind turning over the words as he watched the clock near closer and closer to the time. When they finally gave out the test, he felt like a racehorse out of the gate. Going too fast and getting too heated. He rushed through the questions. Not reading fully but being certain of his answers.
He was about halfway done with the first section when he started to feel funny. His head suddenly felt dizzy. His hands began to shake. His breathing got too fast, yet he felt like he was suffocating. His brain couldn’t process the words anymore. All that kept looping through was, “Get out. Get out. Get out.”
He tried to push through. He tried to tell himself there was no reason to feel this way. He tried to breathe. But the feelings wouldn’t go away. If anything, they kept intensifying. Feeding themselves in an endless loop.
He dropped his pencil and got up, running out the door. And he kept running. So hard and fast as if he was trying to catch up with his thoughts but he couldn’t. He didn’t know where to go or what to do. But quicker than he thought, he was on his knees and Jaebeom was opening his front door.
His friend’s face shattered at the sight. Jaebeom sunk down, wrapping his arms around Jinyoung and holding him tightly.
Jinyoung tried to speak. Everything pouring out of him at once. “I don’t know what happened. Everything was fine and then it wasn’t and I couldn’t breathe and I don’t-“ Suddenly tears were falling and he couldn’t stop them.
Jaebeom rubbed his palm against his back, “It’s okay,” he hushed him. “It’s alright. You’re safe.”
Jaebeom helped Jinyoung to his room and laid him down on the bed. He pulled up his desk chair, watching until Jinyoung’s breathing slowed and he was soothed to sleep. When Jinyoung woke up, hours later, Jaebeom was reading a book under the light from his desk.
“I’m so sorry,” Jinyoung sat up and rubbed his eyes. “I don’t underst-“
“It was a panic attack,” Jaebeom said simply. “My mom used to get them after my grandmother died.”
“What?” Jinyoung didn’t look at him. “That’s not possible. I have nev-“
“It’s okay,” Jaebeom got up and sat down next to him. “It’s not uncommon. You are stressed.”
Jinyoung thought hard. He started thinking about the test again. He hung his head. “My parents are gonna kill me,” he sighed. “That test is over 200,000 won.”
Jaebeom shook his head. “I called your mom,” he said. “I told her it went fine. That you felt good about it but needed to rest.”
Jinyoung looked up at him. His eyes questioning everything.
Jaebeom took a deep breath. “I booked you another test time next weekend. I’m gonna pay for it.”
Jinyoung felt his neck flush. “No,” he said pointedly. “You can’t. You worked all summer for your money-”
“Stop,” Jaebeom put a hand on his knee. “Just let me help.”
They looked at each other awhile. Jinyoung’s eyes questioning and Jaebeom’s eyes sure. Jinyoung couldn’t fully understand his motives. Yes, they were best friends, but it didn’t seem to warrant the amount of care Jaebeom was giving him. After Jaebeom’s eyes refused to falter, Jinyoung nodded.
The rest of the night was a mix of eating Jaebeom’s mom’s leftovers and rewatching their favorite cartoons from middle school. Jinyoung laughed like he hadn’t ever done so before. His sun the brightest right after a storm.
A week later, Jinyoung retook the test, getting a near perfect score, and Jaebeom waited outside the whole time. Just in case.
It was only a few months later. They sat cross-legged on the floor of Jaebeom’s bedroom. Their knees brushing together as they stared intently into each other’s eyes.
“You first,” Jinyoung voice trembled slightly. His skin buzzed all over.
“No,” Jaebeom shook his head, smiling even though he was visibly nervous as well. “We’ll open them together.”
Jinyoung looked down into his hands where his letter felt heavy. “But what if one of us gets in and the other doesn’t.”
Jaebeom looked to his own letter. “There’s only one way to find out.”
Jinyoung licked his lips. “Let’s get this over with.” His heart raced in his chest as he flipped his letter in his hands.
“On the count of three,” Jaebeom poised his fingers against the seal of his envelope. “One, two… three.”
The ripping and crunching of paper was loud in Jinyoung’s ears as he raced to take out the letter. He unfolded it hastily and let his eyes scan.
Park Jinyoung. It is our pleasure to inform you that…
His face fell. “I got in,” he said quietly, almost to himself.
He looked up into Jaebeom’s face and was met with the most radiant smile he had ever seen. “So did I,” he said, stunned.
They jumped to their feet, jumping up and down and screaming at the top of their lungs. “We did it!” Jinyoung yelled. He held his hands up for high fives.
Jaebeom screamed loud and clasped his hands against Jinyoung’s and intertwining their fingers without thinking. He pulled Jinyoung closer to him until their chests brushed together. Jinyoung barely had time to blink before Jaebeom’s face was close to his and he was gingerly pressing his lips against his. Jinyoung felt all of his pent-up energy falling away. They pulled away after just a moment, silent. Jaebeom’s eyes were wide. “Jinyoung,” his voice breathless.
The door of Jaebeom’s bedroom opened quickly. They pulled apart instinctively.
“What are you guys screaming about?” Jaebeom’s mom stood in the doorway, a laundry basket on her hip.
“Mrs. Im,” Jinyoung ran for her. “We both got in. To our schools.”
She gasped, dropping the basket onto the floor. Her face pure shock but transitioning quickly to tears. “Come here,” she opened her arms and took Jinyoung in before he could decide. “You boys did it,” she said with wet, happy eyes. “You did it together.”
Jinyoung looked over to Jaebeom who was smiling radiantly still. He couldn’t help but smile back.
“Well don’t just stand there!” Jaebeom’s mother yelled toward her son. “Get in here!”
As the weeks followed, Jaebeom never brought up the kiss. Jinyoung didn’t know how to take it so he just let it go. Before they knew it, it was high school graduation. They were off to separate schools. Jinyoung was going to be studying writing and literature at one school while Jaebeom studied accounting across town at another. They were sitting on the basketball court they used to frequent, throwing back beers that Jinyoung’s sister had bought him. Laughing about all the stupid things they used to do until there were tears in their eyes.
“I’m gonna miss you,” Jaebeom almost whispered as they lay on their backs, looking up at the stars. A silence enveloped them. The small hum of distant cars and the buzz of the streetlights turning to white noise that made every word they spoke sound clear and crisp in the night air.
Jinyoung smiled, his eyes heavy. “I’ll only be a train ride away.”
Jaebeom shrugged. “Yeah, but it’s not the same.”
“Well, we’ll make it the same,” Jinyoung said. “I’m not going to lose you. You’re the most important person in my life.”
Jaebeom turned towards him, “You mean that?”
Jinyoung nodded, “Of course.”
Jaebeom sat up and Jinyoung looked up into his face. His eyes were darting in thought. “Jinyoung,” he said carefully. “When we opened our letters…”
“It’s okay,” Jinyoung sat up quickly. “You were excited. It was a big moment. You don’t have to-“
“Yes, I do,” Jaebeom stopped him. He shifted himself so that he was sitting cross-legged, facing Jinyoung. He took a deep breath. “When we met and got to know each other, best friend was the only term I knew for what we had.”
Jinyoung felt his face heating.
“But as we grew up together, I began to realize that my feelings for you surpass what that term could ever mean.” He looked up into Jinyoung’s eyes, trying to gauge his reaction. “Now I know you may not think of me like that. And if you don’t, I can live with that. I can live with being just your best friend until we are old and grey.”
Jaebeom paused, taking another deep breath. A rush of nerves running over his features. “But if there is any part of you that feels the same,” his voice trailed off. “Well then, I think we should …maybe try to see what could happen there.”
Jinyoung was taken aback. He hadn’t expected it. His thoughts were flat lining and he was trying to restart them. He was staring into Jaebeom’s eyes. He knew when he was serious and he was. He knew when he was nervous and he was. But Jinyoung’s mind began combing through memories at lightning speed. Remembering how Jaebeom had cared for him, more than a best friend should. Remembering how he prioritized him. How he listened to him. How he validated him. And it was like all those puzzles pieces were coming together.
“Jaebeom,” he finally said. “I know you. Down to your core. I know how you tick. I know how you prioritize everyone in your life above yourself. I know how you would do anything for the person you loved.” He paused. “And I would be an idiot if I let go of that opportunity.”
Jaebeom’s eyes were questioning but patient.
“I agree,” Jinyoung finally said. “I want to see what could happen.”
The corners of Jaebeom’s mouth pulled up. He blinked. “Really?”
Jinyoung smiled. “Yeah. Really.”
Jaebeom stood up, rushing forward and picking Jinyoung up. He swung him around, laughing. He lowered him down till they were standing nose to nose. “Can I…” he let the question hang in the air.
Jinyoung laughed, “Oh, come here.” He swiftly put their lips together. Starting strong and then softening. They pulled away.
“I’m going to do everything I can to make sure you’re happy,” Jaebeom said, breathlessly. “I promise.”
“There was never a doubt in my mind,” Jinyoung smiled before leaning in to kiss him again.
University was a flurry of subway rides on the weekends, cuddling close on their twin sized dorm beds, and video chatting into the wee hours of the morning. Jinyoung was there to quiz Jaebeom the night before his big finance exams while Jaebeom was there when Jinyoung kept himself up late at night with panic attacks.
When a lease opened up in the apartments next to the literature department, Jinyoung jumped at the opportunity. Jaebeom helped him move in. He remembered unlocking the door for the first time only to be greeted with a wave of energy.
“Oh hello!” an unfamiliar boy said from his place on the couch. His smile a mile wide. “You must be my new roommate.”
Jinyoung nodded, “I am.” He set the box down on the kitchen counter. “I’m Park Jinyoung,” he said with a slight bow.
“Choi Youngjae,” the boy sing-songed as he stood up to greet him. “What department are you in?”
“Literature,” he looked around the apartment. He saw posters on the walls, dilapidated furniture surrounding a comically small television, and a small piano in the corner. He pointed to it, “I’m guessing music?”
Youngjae made a series of bell sounds, “We have a winner.”
“Jinyoung,” Jaebeom opened the door, dropping a box alongside Jinyoung’s. “Hey, we have to get this done quick so I can move the car. The parking attendant down there is a real asshole.”
“Oh,” Youngjae made a small noise across the living room. Both of the boys shifted their attention to him. He blinked and shifted his weight between his feet.
“My apologies,” Jaebeom rushed to explain, stepping closer to Youngjae. “I’m Jaebeom. I’m Jinyoung’s boyfriend. You must be his new roommate.” He smiled, turning on his charm like a light switch.
Youngjae blinked three more times. “Yes,” he said. “I am.”
“Youngjae,” Jinyoung blurted out, trying to fill the silence. “He’s Choi Youngjae. He studies music.”
Jaebeom nodded in realization. “Well maybe you’ll have to give us a private performance sometime.”
Youngjae laughed. “Oh,” his laugh raised into octaves unknown. “Well. Of course, I could do that. You know. When you are visiting.”
“Alright,” Jaebeom nodded. He turned back to Jinyoung, pointing a thumb towards the door. “Uh. The rest of the boxes. We should probably get them.”
“Yes,” Jinyoung agreed and they both moved back out the door. When they were down the hall and out of earshot, Jinyoung spoke up. “He thinks you’re hot.”
Jaebeom scoffed. “Hardly,” he said. “He’s just a little awkward is all.”
Jinyoung clicked his tongue. “No, he was downright flustered by you.”
“Stop,” Jaebeom raised his hand in protest. “He’s your roommate. So, you’re the one who is going to have to like him.”
And it turned out, Jinyoung really did like Youngjae. The boy was endlessly soft yet firmly self-assured. A fountain of energy and joy. Someone who could push at Jinyoung’s buttons while never making him mad. They spent nearly all of their free time together. Venting about their programs, eating way too much delivery, having drunken karaoke sessions, and watching the most melodramatic dramas they could find. Jinyoung was there to pick up the pieces when Youngjae got his heart trampled by his first love. The roommates were best friends.
It was just before graduation when Jinyoung found out that he had gotten accepted into the master program for literature. Youngjae was accepted into the Ph.D. program for music. They realized they had to extend their lease.
After graduation, Jaebeom got recruited by an accounting firm in Gangnam and found an apartment nearby. The commute between Jinyoung and him got shorter and their relationship grew increasingly serious. There were fewer nights that they would spend apart, riding trains and buses to be closer. Jaebeom even got a car to ease the distance. Eventually, this began to wear on them. As Jinyoung was finishing his first year of graduate school, they decided that, in the fall, they would move in together.
A few weeks before they moved in, they were visiting Jaebeom’s family. After everyone had gone to sleep, Jaebeom roused him. “Come with me,” he whispered.
They walked barefoot to the basketball court in his neighborhood. The same one where Jaebeom had confessed his love four years ago. The summer air was humid and hot. Heat lightning lit up the dark sky.
They danced to the tune Jaebeom was humming. Jinyoung’s head rested against Jaebeom’s shoulder while they swayed together.
“You know how traditional your parents are,” Jaebeom whispered in between hums; his voice soft and relaxing in Jinyoung’s ear as they rocked to and fro.
“Oh, I know,” Jinyoung huffed.
“They told me I couldn’t sign a lease with you unless I planned to marry you.”
Jinyoung laughed aloud. “No way,” he looked to Jaebeom’s face. “What did you say to them?”
Jaebeom’s smile was small along with his voice. “I said ok.”
Jinyoung’s eyebrow furrowed. “Ok?” he questioned. “What do you mean, ok?”
Jaebeom’s hand moved from Jinyoung’s back to hand. “I mean,” he started. “I had plans to marry you from the day I met you. But if they wanted me to make it official, I guess I would have to ask you first.”
“Babe,” Jinyoung felt the sudden race of his heart. His world moved in slow motion as Jaebeom knelt down on one knee.
“Say that you’ll marry me.”
Jinyoung held in a breath. He looked at Jaebeom. Seeing in him the boy he’d grown up alongside. Seeing the one who had always been there. Seeing the person that felt like home. He nodded. His throat tight and his smile widening. “I’ll marry you,” he said softly. “Now come here.” He rushed to throw his arms around Jaebeom and pull him in. “Oh my god. I hate you so much.”
“Just wait until you live with me,” Jaebeom huffed and Jinyoung could hear in his voice that he was just as excited.