Endings are Hard

by AugustStories

Summary:

It had looked so dark after Chuck had pulled the plug and Dean had let himself fall into a headspace that was all anger, fury and hatred because anything else would have had him break down. Jack was dead, Cas had hated him and only stuck around for Sam, Sam hadn't healed and the undead had been rising all over the state. Had Dean for only a second let his guard down too much, it would have all buried him for good, there would have been no recovering from that.

Notes:

Please read the tags for any triggers that this story might include. Dean will be in a bad headspace for the majority of this story. Furthermore the pairings I tagged are not the focus of this story at all, and I only tagged them for completion's sake and because I know people can get offended when they see even a line about a pairing without being warned of it first.

This originated in a random idea I had for a dialogue between Dean and Cas, and then it just blew up and up and up. Despite this being so dark and angsty at most corners, it was still really fun to write this. I'm very proud of this and that doesn't happen often with stuff I post.

I hope someone might like this, too.

When it was all fixed and done, Dean found a moment where he just sat down on the edge of his bed in the bunker and breathed. They had done it, closed off Hell again, thrown back in a lifetime of monsters and bad people, saved Chuck from Amara's corruption and locked her back up again as well. Now Hell was no threat anymore, no more demons on Earth, no more new King of Hell trying to rule his power trips out on Earth. Heaven was back in God's hands for the first time in who knew how long, Chuck could recover and regain his strength while Michael cleaned up and reformed it in Chuck's will.

 

Dean and Sam had come out of it not only alive but for once instead of losing people, they had actually gained lost ones back. And he still had trouble believing that any of it was real.

 

It had looked so dark after Chuck had pulled the plug and Dean had let himself fall into a headspace that was all anger, fury and hatred because anything else would have had him break down. Jack was dead, Cas had hated him and only stuck around for Sam, Sam hadn't healed and the undead had been rising all over the state. Had Dean for only a second let his guard down too much, it would have all buried him for good, there would have been no recovering from that.

 

For months, months on end, they had fought endlessly while all tortured souls from Hell and every monster they had ever sent back into the pit seemed to only want them. Kansas got quarantined, locked up from all sides and no one was allowed in or out until the government had figured out what was going on. They went all out, full on information ban, the whole of Kansas suddenly turned into Area 51 and its people left in the dark. TV stations and radio stations turned off, even the internet nearly perfectly blocked, it had all gone down the drain so fast.

 

In the midst of it all, Dean had been fighting and killing and decapitating, even when Sam couldn't go on because his shoulder just wouldn't heal, when Sam broke down because grief and pain and exhaustion had worn him down. Dean just numbed himself even more, locked away even the last shred of self-focused emotions, fighting and taking care of his brother, it was all that mattered now. He had to go on, even when Cas left more and more because he was ripping at the seams over losing Jack and having been betrayed by his father and couldn't stand to be in the same room as Dean anymore.

 

As the situation worsened because three hunters weren't enough for one overrun state, especially not when two of those three couldn't go on, Sam's cry for help got answered by the few friends they still had in this world. Jody and Donna slipped over the state border unseen with Claire but left Alex and Patience safely back in Sioux Falls, which also gave them an information line from the outside. It helped to have them back, at least it helped Sam and Cas, they had people to talk to now, people to lean on, people who would listen and sympathise. And it helped Dean, too, because with three more people, he could go out even longer, stay away even longer, Sam was in good hands now and Cas had Claire back so missing Jack was no longer a burning blade lodged into his sternum.

 

Jody wanted them to go out in twos and everyone but Dean signed off on that, he remained a lone ranger. People wanted to talk to him, Sam most of all, but he stopped letting anyone get close enough. There was nothing to talk about, there was only a job to do, a lifetime of unmade hunts to fix, they could talk if they got out of this alive and at that point he had seriously doubted it. He hadn't been suicidal, one would have to feel anything to get there, Dean had just been empty, even as a demon he had had more emotions.

 

The situation stopped worsening but it also didn't really get any better for a while, but it was something at least. Rowena turned up again like a smoke monster, one blink and she was suddenly knocking on the bunker door, Dean had been out at that time, cleaning out a nest of mutilated undead-undead vampires in Lawrence and feeling absolutely nothing while he saved a family in the house he had once lost his mother in for the first time. When he returned to the bunker in the middle of the night – only because he was out of ammunition and iron – he found his brother's shoulder finally healing and Rowena sipping from a cup of tea next to him in the library. He brushed past them and didn't even say anything as he got cleaned up and then repacked his bag, and when he stepped back into the library to head out once more he stopped when he found Sam and Rowena talking... and crying.

 

It had followed him in the next days while he drove north to the next case of wannabee zombies, the sight of his larger than life brother crying in Rowena's arms because he was scared and tired and worried for Dean. A good brother would have walked over and pulled him into a hug, promised him to be better, to stop taking such risks and be home more often but Dean had not been a good brother anymore, brothers felt emotions, Dean had only felt nothing. He had said goodbye again and headed out once more, Baby the only constant in his life now.

 

And then the tide suddenly turned and as their new apocalypse ride shifted, Dean felt the ground fall out from beneath his feet.

 

It started with a freak storm that came out of nowhere, for once they had all been at the bunker, collected in the library doing research because fighting the undead was one thing, fixing this whole mess was the actual agenda.

 

--

 

Dean had huddled himself into a corner, busying himself with fixing Claire's guns while the rest was surrounding the tables, books and laptops and old scrolls littering every surface. He glanced over from time to time, tried to be as inconspicious as possible, he was everything but calm, needed to keep his hands busy otherwise they were shaking too bad. Everything inside of him was screaming to get out, to get in Baby and drive to the next nest but the storm outside was too bad, even he had realized that by now.

 

Didn't mean he could settle anytime soon.

 

Two days already he had been forced inside the bunker, longer than at any point in the last six months and he was slowly crawling up the walls. But this storm was clearly not natural because the last time Dean had checked weather didn't obey to state borders, apparently Chuck had gotten bored with them once more and thrown something else in to stir up his story.

 

Sam was at the head of the larger table, frowning down at his laptop screen with his shirt half off because Rowena was checking over his shoulder again, purple magic spreading from her fingers to Sam's skin. Claire and Cas sat on either side of them, concentrated on the books in their hands, and Dean made an effort to not look at Cas too long unless the angel felt it and left again to get away from him. Jody and Donna brought up the rest, working their own very much human magic on the computers, some tricks and hacking on Sam's part had gifted them with internet.

 

"I think I found the origin of the storm," Jody announced just as Dean focused back on the gun in his hands so he had to immediately look up again, "and you boys are not gonna like it." Jody went on and then turned the laptop screen towards Cas and Sam who both leaned in and then froze.

"What is it?" Dean roughly wanted to know, he didn't talk much anymore, no reason to when he spent most of his time alone or surrounded by undead monsters, Sam's eyes flickered over to him, wide, scared and shocked. "What is it?"

 

"It's Stull Cemetery," Cas answered for the tongue-tied Sam and for the first in what felt like forever Cas actually actively initiated eye contact with Dean, "I could not possibly read it from a computer map but I would bet a lot I could even tell you where exactly on the cemetery it originates from."

"The Cage," Dean spoke it out loud and Rowena twitched, one of her dainty hands settling on Sam's shoulder, the two of had bonded, hard in the last months. The more Dean had pulled away into himself, the more Sam had latched onto Rowena. "This isn't a storm."

 

"What are you guys talking about?" Donna wanted to know but Dean couldn't look at her, he was caught in Cas' gaze, in the pain, in the grief, in the hopelessness, his former best friend was so close to giving up.

"This isn't a storm," Sam quietly repeated Dean's words, voice slightly shaking so Dean found the strength to break away from Cas and focus on his brother who was staring down hard at his hands on the keyboard of his laptop. "This is an Archangel ascending. Michael is out."

 

"Wait, wait," Jody threw in quickly and waved a hand around for emphasis, "I thought that Jack..." everyone but Dean winced, "that he killed Michael? I thought there was none of those overpowered angels left?" She wanted to know and looked from Sam to Cas then to Rowena and Dean, in this ragtag group they had that was also the special brand of crazy who had once been playing vessel to Archangels.

 

"That was a Michael from another world," Cas explained and he buried his face in both hands before continuing, "this one is our Michael for a lack of a better term. The Michael that Sam pulled into the Cage with himself ten years ago." Sam closed his eyes and Rowena pushed herself closer to his back, if Dean wouldn't know better he would say that those two had something going but the last time he had run into them during a late night conversation in the kitchen, Rowena had been crying over Gabriel and Sam had apparently for the first time told her about still missing Eileen.

 

They were two people comforting each other in grief and heartache, finding strength in each other while their world was pushing down on them. Dean technically remembered how that felt, how that bond could grow so fast in desperate times but Cas' and his friendship was forever broken beyond repair since Dean had set a gun to Cas' son.

 

"So, how do we stop this? Should we stop this?" Claire spoke up as well, she was trying her best to remain her normal moody self, the only one who still sought Dean out for more than just questions answered. "Is this one on our side? Or gunning for us as well now?"

"I doubt the former," Dean growled out and set the reassembled gun to the side to push himself to his feet, "none of the dicks upstairs have ever been more of a Daddy's boy than him. If he realizes now that Daddy dearest is rooting for the world to burn, he's gonna be the one begging to strike the match." Dean rumbled himself through his words and then walked over to where they had stashed the beer for easy access. "And according to Lucifer from four years ago, Heaven's Prince had gone cuckoo anyway."

 

"And we're gonna believe Lucifer's words now?" Rowena doubted with her question but Dean shrugged, until proven otherwise probably yes.

"Is there something we can do though? The storm is causing quite the damage," Claire pointed out and tapped the top of Sam's laptop, only with how he moved Dean could now see that his brother had been checking over social media, people crying out for help because the storm was destroying their houses.

 

Nature had an easier time frightening people than zombies did.

 

Even if this was not nature but an Archangel regaining his powers and descending on Earth from the deepest pits of Hell.

 

"Nothing we can do," Dean deadpanned and then emptied half the bottle in one go, "unless one of you wants to go out there and volunteer as vessel but oh," he cackled darkly and maybe this was the point where he lost the last fractions of his sanity. "That won't work because this bastard actually has a total kink for bloodlines and will only go for the chosen ones. Of which only I'm left because he's never gonna go for Lucy's sloppy seconds."

 

"Dean..."

 

"And I can assure you I'm not gonna say yes, if he means to destroy all of Kansas then I say we let him. It's not like we're not steadily moving towards that point anyway. It's frankly astonishing that you people still think we have any choices left in this shitshow," Dean ranted and emptied his beer, Jody, Donna, Claire and Rowena were staring at him, Sam was staring down at his hands and Cas was glaring but Dean hardly saw any of them. "There is no more Team Free Will, there never was because as we find out there never was free will in the first place, not for us. Only created to fulfill the perverse desires of a bored deity. We're puppets, and the sooner you all realize that, the sooner you'll all stop hurting."

 

Cas' chair crashed loudly to the ground as the angel pushed himself to his feet and then crossed over to Dean in four long strikes.

 

"Excuse us, I gotta talk to Dean for a second," Cas snarled out as he roughly grabbed Dean's arm and pulled him from the library. Dean had no chance to resist the manhandling, in another hilarious twist of his stupid story writing Chuck had seen it as a fun addition to return Cas to full power, just for that extra kick. Or maybe because he saw Dean's ultimate final fate to be smited by a raging Cas, that would bring them full circle somehow, maybe Chuck liked that. Once they were some turns down the corridor, Cas slammed him up against the wall and held him there with a hand pressed against his chest. "What the fuck is your problem? Just because you turned off your fucking humanity doesn't mean you have any right to tell us how we deal with our lives!"

 

"We don't have lives, Cas," Dean answered him without alarm, alarm meant emotions, Dean had none but anger, "we are only characters in a story."

"What the hell happened to you, Dean?" Cas let go of him again and took a step back, he almost looked disgusted, "I got your anger in the first weeks, I thought that was you just dealing with grief in a different way but now? You're almost dead inside." Dean shrugged, he didn't care, caring needed emotions. "You know, I believed in you. I rebelled for you. I died for you. More than once. I staid with you even after you had been ready to kill Jack, and this is what you choose to do with it? Ten years ago you would have been appaled to see yourself like this. You taught me what free will was!"

 

"I taught you what Chuck's story wanted me to teach you," Dean made clear and then reached out to pat Cas' cheek twice before he pushed himself away from the wall and took some steps away from the angel. "There never was free will, buddy, get that into your head. Cut off your own humanity again, Cas, trust me, it makes all of this easier."

"One day, Dean, one day this will be over and I hope for you that you'll still have someone left to catch you then," Cas told him, tired and aching and pissed, and then he turned on the spot and was about to storm off when Sam came rushing around the corner, still half naked, and nearly took the angel off his feet but Cas reacted quickly and kept them both upright.

 

"It stopped. The storm is gone, like that," Sam snapped his fingers and Cas flinched, prompting Sam to grimace and send him an apologizing look. "We gotta go. Now. We need to head to Stull."

"Why?" Dean wanted to know, if the storm was over he could finally go back to monster hunting and being alone, "why would we voluntarily go back to that place? If this storm is over, I'm going back to hunting, have fun with your angel business. Tell Mikey the answer is still no." And under Cas' glare and Sam's tired stare Dean turned away to grab his bags from his room, he could be on the road with Baby in under five minutes.

 

--

 

He spent an extra long amount of time away from the bunker, made it to nearly three weeks, two of which he spent with a dead phone because his charger had broken in a fight and there wasn't really a way to get a new one in Kansas at the moment. Archangel based freak storm or not the monsters remained.

 

In fact it seemed that Dean could count a few low rank demons among them now as well, he had come across a nest of ghouls led by a demon outside of Kansas City, with its special outlay the city had become a heavily guarded military zone. It had taken a lot ot careful maneuvering for Dean to not get detected in a city where the diminished population was set under strict curfews. He managed it in the end, got away with a few cuts that were deep enough that he had to spent an hour patching himself up afterwards.

 

When he arrived in the garage of the bunker the car that Jody and Donna used and Cas' jeep were gone but Sam's car was home, not that Dean was greatly interested. He had his plans made as usual, reload his bags, clean himself up, check Baby over and then just catch a new lead before heading out again. He couldn't have expected that a lot of things had changed while he had been gone and unreachable.

 

The bunker seemed dead silent as he walked down the corridor to get to the war room first, maybe there was already something Sam had laid out for him, sometimes it happened. It only seemed to connect with him then that it was the middle of the night and that it was silent because Sam and Rowena were asleep.

 

As it turned out though, someone was awake and it was neither his brother nor the witch.

 

As he rounded into the lit up war room, Dean had his bags dropped and his gun drawn and aimed quicker than his eyes had even made out the figure sitting at the map table.

 

"Woah! Dean, it's me, it's..."

 

Dean clicked the safety off, the figure stood up and began to back off, Dean flashed his teeth in response.

 

"Dean, I know this is gotta be crazy for you but Sam has been trying to reach you for two weeks now, there are a lot of things that happened."

 

"Don't take me for a fool," Dean hissed and made slow advancing steps, this creature staring back at him raised its hands in a defensive move. "I am not falling for any games anymore. Now, get out of my home or I will pull the trigger."

 

"SAM!!" The creature bellowed and backed even further towards the corridor entrance, "Dean, I don't know what happened to you, Sam did already warn me but you have to believe me. It's me, Dean, it's Adam." The creature insisted and pulled its face into fear and terror when Dean made absolutely no move to lower the gun. He would put a few bullets in and then see if the angel blade could do the rest of the job before he had to reach for other ideas.

 

Quick pounding steps came running down the corridor and then Sam was flinging himself around the corner, right up next to this spawn from hell.

 

"Woah, Dean, put the damn gun away."

 

"Step away from it, Sam."

 

"Dean, for fuck's sake, it's Adam!" Sam snapped at him and then planted himself right in front of what he claimed to be their brother. "Snap out of your fucking bullshit! Do you think I'm stupid? I made all the fucking tests, it's him! Rowena and Cas did their own checking. It's Adam and it's only Adam, now put the fucking gun down!" Very much reluctantly so, Dean put the safety on again and put the gun back into his pocket, not moving from his offensive stance though, even when Sam glared at him for it. "Cas and I drove to Stull, despite your rather stupid objections. We didn't find a sign of Michael, aside from the storm damage. What we did find was a nearly dehydrated Adam. He doesn't know what happened."

 

"It's fuzzy at best, the last clear thing I remember is trying to follow Sam and you through that door in that weird room," Adam spoke up as well and reappeared from behind Sam, he looked maybe a bit older but mostly still very much like the boy who had been dragged into the Cage as Michael's vessel. A fucking decade ago. Dean the functioning human would have been run over by happiness to see him back and stabbed by guilt over that choice he had had to make so long ago, the choice for Sam and against Adam. Dean the functioning human would have been a big brother and immediately tried to find out how he could help, would have apologized for never trying to do more in getting Adam back to them, would have tried to live through his guilt by being a better brother.

 

Dean the numb monster hunter felt nothing and hence he only grunted and then moved to pick up his bags again to settle them on the closest table.

 

"Don't you want to hear more?" Sam wanted to know in confusion, stepping closer, "We've tried to make sense of it, Rowena used some spells but we haven't found anything so far, so Cas drove out to the playground. He's hoping that someone upstairs might know more, or that it's Heaven Michael went to now, and not Chuck." Sam kept on talking but Dean preoccupied himself with arranging his weapons on the table so he could have an easier outlook on what he would need. "Adam doesn't have memories of the Cage, seems like Michael mostly kept him away from that. Aside from the dehydration issue that day, Cas gave him a clean bill of health. Dean... can you fucking say something?"

 

"Welcome back, Adam, picked a shitty time," Dean drawled and then grabbed the empty ammunition boxes and the empty salt pot. "Do we still have bottles of holy water? I think I wanna start carrying some with me and I didn't find any in Baby when I looked for it a few days ago."

 

Silence.

 

Until Sam exploded.

 

"Are you for fucking real?" He yelled and Dean glanced over to him, only belatedly spotted Rowena leaning in the doorframe in one of her silky robes. "Our brother is back after ten fucking years and we finally have a goddamn chance to get to know him! And you still only think about the next hunt? Cas is right, you are dead inside." Sam spit it all out like the attack it was meant to be but Dean just blinked at him, nothing but true observations, not that any of that could surprise him still. "I'm done, Dean, I can't do this anymore. I tought that if I just give you enough time you'll come back to us but you're just gone, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to save you." Sam's voice shook and he dragged a hand over his face. "I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry." And then he looked at Dean with pleading eyes for a second longer before he sighed and then walked back where he had come from, Adam following him after sending one last slightly scared look in Dean's direction.

 

"The Archangel took out a big number of monsters, you know," Rowena spoke up after silence had fallen over the room and Dean had gone back to his mental list and checking over weapons. "Adam has been praying to him to try and figure out what is going on here. We can't really go in and see for ourselves but our current theory is that whatever Chuck did damaged the Cage enough that the angel could shatter it... Dean, what happened to you is..."

 

"Life, Rowena, it's life. And as long as I am alive, there is a job to do," Dean summarized it shortly and then packed up his weapons again, aside from the holy water he would just have to snatch the rest he needed up from the armory downstairs. And then he would just grab a fresh pair of clothes before heading off again, he could take a shower in a motel and figure out where to go there as well.

"Sam has these articles, he got them from Jody," Rowena went on as if Dean had given her any sign of caring, "people always deal differently with losing a child. Especially if it was in such a cruel way."

 

"Jack wasn't my child."

 

"Yes, he was. He was your son as much as he was Cas' or Sam's, and all of you are hurting. Badly so. Cas and Sam are just letting it out instead of locking it away like you did but Dean, sooner or later this will get out, and then it will hurt. And the longer you fight against it the more likely it is to destroy you." Rowena stopped when he snatched up his bags and turned to face her.

"I'm not fighting against anything, Rowena. I'm not hurting and I didn't lock away anything because there is no need to." Dean rumbled in her direction and caught her frowning at his barely starting to heal injuries. "Every choice I ever made was written down as a line in a story, everything I felt probably as well so why bother continuing? I feel nothing, I'm fine, I have work to do."

 

"That isn't how free will works, and you know that." Rowena held against it and Dean cursed that he had to get past her to get to the armory. "Chuck did something terrible, yes, but he didn't control your feelings or your choices. He played with your lives but you are still your own person, and you are allowed to have your own emotions. To be sad, to be angry, to be hurt."

"I have work to do, Rowena," Dean answered her and then brushed past her to get to the armory.

 

Restocked, Dean made his way to his room to change clothes, passing by his brother's room and slowing down only when he heard voices.

 

"It's nothing against you," Sam was saying and he sounded defeated, "he's been like this basically since the moment Chuck temporarily turned off the lights for us. I don't want to imagine what will happen when we closed the gates on this, when he has nothing to hunt anymore."

"You don't think he'll do something drastic, do you?" Rowena asked just as quietly and Dean could just imagine her sitting on Sam's bed with his head in her lap, her fingers stroking over his hair.

 

"I don't know. I don't know him anymore."

 

And for the first time in months Dean felt something like a stab somewhere where his heart had once been.

 

--

 

A few days later he was stepping out of his motel room in a small town not far from Wichita to get something to eat when he by chance caught sight of the little sign outside of a rather stereotypical suburban looking house.

 

'Finding yourself struggling with the apocalypse but are scared to be judged for what you have to say? I will listen and understand. Open all days from 8 to 4.'

 

He shook his head and took on foot off to the diner around the block, despite the fact that the state was locked off until anyone could make sense of something that couldn't be made sense of, the government still made sure to get provisions into the state. All planned out careful moves through Kansas City, and it meant that though no one was outright starving, people were still not going out of their way to keep up their normal lives. Out of five diners in this particular small town, only one was open and only one gas station as well was still operatable.

 

He got himself a burger and tried to map out his plan for the supposed pack of werewolves living just outside the town radius, so far it had only spooked the townspeople and not killed but it was only a matter of time. As hard as he tried though, his thoughts kept on drifting back to that sign and then even more and more to how he had left the bunker right away after he had heard his brother say that he didn't know Dean anymore.

 

He had run.

 

Run from Sam. Run from Adam. Run from Rowena and her knowing too much.

 

Run from this something that had stabbed into his heart.

 

He had driven until he had been blissfully numb again.

 

So why think about it now? He had a job to do.

 

It didn't let him go though. All throughout the fight against the malnourished and weakened wolves, Dean's mind was half preoccupied with the sign, with this short message. And everything after disposing of the bodies moved like in trance for him, he barely remembered falling into his motel bed, barely remembered getting up and showered and dressed, he only snapped back into mind and body when he was standing in front of a white door, hand having just rang the bell. The woman who opened the door with a gentle smile was maybe a few years younger than him, dressed in soft white clothes. "Hello, are you here for a session or is there anything else I can help you with?"

 

"I think I just made a mistake by ringing the bell."

 

"A session then," the woman chuckled, "come on in, my name is Julia." She stepped aside and Dean entered for reasons beyond him. "Right along here, take a seat." She walked him into a warm looking living room with two couches, no TV because without any stations it wasn't necessary. "Can I ask what brings you here? You are not a face I've seen around town before."

"I'm not from around here. I came into town... because of business," Dean explained lamely and Julia ticked up an eyebrow.

 

"Business... like hunting business?"

 

"How..."

 

"My father. Been a hunter all his life, until a demon ended him. I found him half dead in the backyard, he made me promise to keep away from his life, made me swear. I was twenty back then," Julia drew him the picture and Dean found himself relaxing, at least he wouldn't frighten anyone here if he did decide to talk, he still wasn't sure what he was doing here. "I held to that, until the sky went black in the middle of the day. I'm no fighter but I can try to listen to scared people, and not tell them they're crazy when they talk about monsters."

 

"I'm a hunter," Dean confirmed for her, he wasn't about to tell her that he was the reason why the sky turned black and unleashed monsters onto them but he could be honest about who he was at least. "My father was one as well, as was my father, as is my... one of my brothers. It's ehm... be glad that you managed to stay away."

"Yes, I think if the last months have shown me anything than that to be honest," Julia told him with a smile and then leaned back on the couch she was sitting on, Dean felt so dirty in her home. "I haven't met a hunter in a long time, I imagine it must be stressful right now."

 

"Yeah," Dean chuckled darkly, "that's one way of putting it."

 

And suddenly he was talking.

 

And he couldn't believe it.

 

He left out the parts about causing the apocalypse twice, the whole stick about meeting Archangels and God as well, he didn't want to test his believability too much but Julia listened and didn't for even a second look like she was gonna burst into mocking laughter anytime soon.

 

He talked about the life of hunting, of never knowing anything else. He talked about a long long list of failures standing across a short list of wins. He talked about everything being unmade now, of having fought for nothing.

 

He talked about losing people. He talked about giving up after losing Jack.

 

And he didn't catch sight of the framed counselor certificate on the wall until it had all poured out.

 

Julia let him go after saying some words to him that had Dean break out into cold sweats when he drove Baby out of town that same day still, fingers clutching the steering wheel in a white knuckled grip while his lungs fought for air.

 

Deep depression.

 

Repressed grief and shock.

 

"I know your lives are rough and hard and that it's basically just one ongoing battle against evil but even hunters are human. And hunters can be pushed past their limits as well. And I have a feeling that there is still something even that you don't want to talk about. I think you need help, Dean, professional help."

 

And it was crazy, it was absolutely crazy but in that moment Dean had actually been thinking yeah, she was right, he needed help before it was absolutely too late for him.

 

Three hours later he roughly pulled Baby off the street when he couldn't breath or drive straight anymore, desperately he pushed off his jacket in a try to get air. He just needed air. Sweat was breaking out all over his body and his head was suddenly pounding with a headache like he hadn't felt it in so long. Pain. So much pain. He was in so much pain. He pressed both hands over his heart and for a split utterly panicked second he was convinced that this was a heart attack. Dean Winchester, brought down by the most boring medical issue after years of unhealthy eating.

 

And as his vision began to black out he did something he hadn't done in years nearly.

 

Cas... Cas, fuck, I need your help. I can't breathe and I think I'm having a heart attack.

 

A moment passed where he just knew it was too late, he had fucked up too much with Cas and with anyone who had ever cared about him a little bit. He was gonna die on this fucking road side and the only one who would witness it was gonna be Baby.

 

And then suddenly there were hands on his shoulders and then his legs and then he was being dragged out of the car and onto his knees and his head pushed down.

 

"Breathe, Dean, just breathe. You're not having a heart attack, you're having a panic attack."

 

Panic attack? Dean didn't get panic attacks...

 

"You are having one right now," Cas' reply showed him that Dean must have spoken out loud even without realizing it, "just breathe, you're gonna be okay. I'm here, we just need to roll with this." It took so long that Dean was sure he would pass out any second but then he could finally catch his breath again and quite naturally slumped against the body kneeling next to him. He was drained, all energy gone, not once had he felt like this in the last months, not even when he had gone days without sleep. Even opening his eyes was an effort too much but at least the overwhelming pain was gone.

 

"Better?" Cas wanted to know and Dean couldn't believe he had come, after everything he had still come, so he nodded, not knowing what to say. He felt like shit, the numbness a bliss long gone, he just felt like shit. There was an aching in his limbs and every muscles, and most of all in his heart, there was that nearly painful urge to scream and cry and destroy and to never get up again afterwards.

 

"Cas, I'm sorry." He whispered after a moment of silence, "I'm so sorry," he couldn't even look at the angel, couldn't even bring up the strength to just open his eyes, he had fucked everything up so much. He had pushed everyone away because all of their pain had been his fault again. All of their suffering caused because of him and if he just pushed them away he couldn't hurt them even more. And it had been so easy to feel nothing. "I need help, Cas. I don't know what to do."

"We'll figure it out, Dean, I promise you." Cas told him and he wrapped an arm around Dean's shoulders, pulled him even closer and Dean brought up his hands to blindly clutch at a beige trenchcoat. "It's gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. Come on, let's get you home first."

 

"I can't go back," Dean protested but he couldn't go against Cas pulling him to his feet and then leading him back to the car, Dean didn't even open his eyes, he knew he could trust Cas. And it hurt, it hurt so much that Cas was doing all of this after Dean had hurt him so much, after Dean had caused Jack to be taken away from them.

"Yes, you can. It's your home, it's your family and despite what might have been said in fear and worry, we all knew that one day you would come back to us, and this here is a start." Cas calmly explained and Dean felt himself get settled into the backseats of Baby, a blanket pushed over him, "just try to get some sleep, I'll get us home. It's all gonna be okay."

 

--

 

Dean woke up in his own bed back in the bunker, the only light coming in from the hallway because the door was only half closed. He felt like someone had weighed him down with bricks, unable to move he could only blink up at the ceiling, and listen to the voices coming closer.

 

"I don't know, Sam, he wasn't really in any state to talk when I got to him," Cas was saying and Dean felt his chest constrict. He had panicked and prayed and Cas had come for him. Cas had come for him. "I know you're still angry but he is in a really bad place and if ee make a wrong move now we are definitely gonna lose him forever for good."

"I just want my brother back, Cas, I just want..." Sam couldn't even finish his sentence, falling into a sigh and then he was pushing the door open and their eyes locked, "Dean. You're awake. How are you... Cas told me how he found you." Sam explained and then sat down on the edge of the bed, he looked fucking exhausted. "What kind of case were you working on?"

 

Dean wanted to talk, he wanted to explain, he wanted to apologize, he wanted to say that he was gonna be a brother again, he wanted to say that he was terrified and scared of going back to being numb. But all that he got out was "I'm sorry." And he couldn't stop once his lips had moved for the first time. "I'm so sorry, Sammy, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." The more desperate his repeating got the more his eyes started burning with tears but his limbs were still too heavy to move.

"Hey, hey," Sam reached out for him though, stroking down his arms, his eyes so scared, "it's okay. Dean, it's okay. We're here, you're okay." Cas crouched down next to Sam's knees. "We're gonna figure this out, okay? We're gonna get you help. We're gonna fix this."

 

"I'm so sorry, Sammy, I'm so sorry."

 

And then Cas sent him back to sleep with a gentle tap to his forehead.

 

--

 

When Dean woke up next he found himself curled up on his side and though still feeling weary he was able to move slowly this time. The light in the hallway was out and the numbers on the clock on his nightstand proved that it was 3 am, most people in the bunker would be asleep. His bladder reminded him why he had woken up and he slowly got himself to his feet, bare feet touching the cold ground and sending shockwaves up his body.

 

He needed a good two minutes until he was sure that he wouldn't immediately crash down onto his knees if he pushed himself up. And he kept a hand stretched out to catch himself if necessary on his path to the door. The corridor was empty and he could hear the slap of his feet on the stone as he made his way down, he felt gritty and sweaty and next to relieving himself a shower could be thrown in, he couldn't even remember when he had had the last not rushed one to just get it done with.

 

He was so tired, something heavy pressing down his shoulders and he desperately now clung to the stabs to his heart, clung to the guilt, clung to the pain. The betrayal and the anger. He reached the bathroom after an eternity and for the first time really saw that the bunker was home to many at the moment. The shelves were straining under products, many of which Alex had managed to smuggle in somehow for them. Rowena alone took up space for three people alone and that despite the fact that she had freaking magic. Donna and Jody had towels with their names on it. A third razor set showed that Adam had found his place already as well and...

 

Adam.

 

Adam was back.

 

Adam was back and Dean had pulled a gun on him.

 

Dean had been ready to shoot his brother.

 

Again he had pointed a gun at family and been ready to pull the trigger.

 

A crash sounded as he dropped to his knees in the middle of the room and took the cleaning products down as he tried to catch himself to no avail. He pressed his hands to his chest and tried to hold back what was bubbling up but he couldn't, he just couldn't stop it.

 

Adam had returned from Hell and Dean had pointed a fucking gun at him.

 

He had turned the goddamn safety off.

 

He had been ready to pull the trigger.

 

Dean wasn't aware of the screaming threatening to burst his ears until there was a body in front of him and hands pulling him against a warm chest. He was even only aware that it was him screaming when his hands clutched at fabric and his head rest against a shoulder, fingers in his hair and on his back, trying to soothe, trying to comfort. Hot tears fell from his eyes down into the shirt beneath his face and he just screamed.

 

When his voice gave out and screaming turned into sobbing, his ears picked up the voices around him and his senses told him that there was a person at his back as well. One hand in his hair, two hands on his back, one hand set upon his clawed up ones.

"It's okay, Dean, we got you, alright? It's gonna be okay," Cas was telling him and he was the one in front of him, holding him to his shoulder and letting him cry into his clothes. "Sam, can you hold him for a moment?" And that revealed it was Sam at his back.

 

"Of course."

 

"Dean, Sam is gonna hold you for a moment, okay? I'll be right back." Cas told him and then Dean got shifted over to another chest and another shoulder. "Five minutes, Sam." Cas left and Sam held him, even rocking them a little and Dean didn't know if it was for his comfort or for Sam's own but Dean felt this storm in his head beginning to calm down.

"I pointed a gun at Adam," Dean croaked out when it felt like sobs weren't trying to crack his chest in two anymore.

 

"Shh," Sam shushed him and the rocking didn't stop, "Adam is okay, he understands that you weren't you. We've had more chances to talk since and he fully understands that after all the shit we've been through, a rash action like that is a possibility. He doesn't blame you." Dean shivered and Sam rubbed over his arms. "I gotta tell you, Dean, I'm fucking terrified right now but I swear to you we're gonna help you. Whatever you will need, we'll make it happen." And then Cas came back and something warm got wrapped over Dean's back. "Adam and Rowena?"

 

"In the library," Cas answered Sam's question and Dean blinked his eyes until he could focus on Cas' face, "they're gonna get back to the books we found, doubting they'll get back to sleep this night. Dean, come on, you should drink something."

"I need to pee," Dean whispered, remembering why he had come down here in the first place, "I got up because I need to pee."

 

"Alright, let's get you up then," Cas decided and set the water bottle to the side, together with Sam he got him up on his feet and then slowly over to one of the two closed stands. Dean was glad that despite feeling weak as a newborn foal and only minutes after a total breakdown, they let him have at least enough privacy to pee unobserved, even if he knew they were right outside the little side room of the bathroom. Proven when as he opened the door Sam was immediately offering an arm to lean on again, Sam led him over to a chair that had somehow turned up in the room.

 

Cas was standing next to it and they both helped Dean sit down, crouching down once he was seated so they weren't towering over him. Dean accepted the water bottle handed to him and took some hesitant sips.

 

"What can we do, Dean? Right now, what can we right now do to make you feel a little better?" Cas asked him and Dean could only stare at him for a long moment, heart twisting because he had done so much wrong.

"I want a shower," he said after a breath or two had paused, "I feel disgusting and I want a shower." If he were in any better mental place this would be one hell of embarassing because he was fully aware that he wouldn't be able to do it alone but his dignity had taken a break somewhere around the first scream.

 

"Okay, we can do that," and bless Sam for being the brother Dean seriously didn't deserve anymore, and as they helped him undress and stripped down to their underwear themselves, Dean didn't have a moment of 'I'm naked in front of my brother and my best friend' panic. He just gratefully held onto the hands and arms that led him over to one of the shower stalls and then closed his eyes when the warm water hit his back. They helped him without making it awkward, making sure to keep him from swaying or downright falling while he washed himself, and Sam did his hair when Dean couldn't raise his arms anymore.

 

After that Dean found himself sitting on the chair again, wrapped in two towels, Cas gone to fetch him and Sam some fresh clothes and Sam readying the shaving kit because Dean had grimaced at the messy beard he had spotted on his mirror image.

"Okay, are you sure you want it all gone?" Sam wanted to know as he crouched back down in front of Dean and he nodded.

"I... I wanna at least look like me again," Dean insisted and his brother nodded like it was making sense, "and I made fun of your beard when I came back last year." Sam's lips tugged up into a tired looking smile as if it was something precious to have Dean remember something like that.

 

"Yeah, you did. And I think we are both better off without them," Sam joked and Dean couldn't really smile but he hoped his eyes showed that it reached. "Alright, I'm gonna be careful. It's been a while since I had to do this on you." It had been ages, Dean thought as Sam carefully began to layer his face with shaving cream, Dean had broken his good hand on a hunt, he had maybe been twenty and his left hand had been burned so after holding out for two weeks he had nearly begged his little brother to help him shave. Sam, sixteen and still bare faced, had been a bit shifty over, having had no experience and so, but Dean had talked him through every step like he was giving a class on it.

 

Now, Sam didn't need any help or talking through anymore and he was washing the razor clean when Cas stepped back into the bathroom, wearing jeans and a shirt, a change that Dean had missed as well. They got him dressed and Sam threw on more clothes as well again.

"Do you wanna go back to bed?" Cas wondered when they were leaving the bathroom and slowly walking down the corridor again.

"I don't wanna be alone," Dean answered him honestly, he had been alone for so long, even sitting in the middle of a full bunker he had been alone, caged in his own head, in this numbness.

 

"We can stay with you," Sam promised, almost over eager and Dean threw him a grateful look, he had scared his brother so much. "I'm just gonna let Cas get you settled and swing by Rowena and Adam, okay? I just wanna see how they are doing." Dean nodded and then Sam squeezed his arm before breaking off to get left, Dean leaned on Cas.

"I'm sorry," he began quietly as they managed the last few turns until they would reach his room, "I treated you like shit and you still came and now I..."

"Hey," Cas interrupted him and shook his head, "of course I came. You scared me something fierce when that prayer reached me. You didn't really think I would have ignored a cry for help, did you?" Dean bit his lips, just as they reached his door. "Hey," Cas drew his attention onto himself, one hand cupping Dean's face, the other wrapped protectively under his shoulders and around his back, additionally Dean reached out a hand to hold himself up against Cas' shoulders, his body was just so tired. "I was so worried, Dean, and yes I turned harsh but I didn't know how else to reach you anymore but at no moment would I have ever ignored a prayer of yours. I would have always come." Dean nodded in a sign that he had understood and Cas smiled at him as he helped him towards the bed then.

 

Dean laid down and he didn't feel ridiculous when he let Cas pull the covers over him, there were more than one and he fingered the unknown layers.

"You were shivering so badly when I got you here, so we got you some covers from another room." Cas explained and settled down on the edge of Dean's bed, "I texted Jody, Donna and Claire about the case you had marked in the newspaper in Baby. I thought you might appreciate if someone takes it on."

 

"I do," Dean agreed and his right hand moved very slowly out of the covers to reach for Cas' sleeve, Cas watched him and even moved his arm closer so Dean could hold on. "I fucked up, Cas, this time I really fucked up, this is all on me."

"No, it's not," Cas immediately disagreed and then briefly glanced over when Sam stepped back into the room and closed the door, he had more water bottles and even a plate with a sandwich but Dean felt so far from eating. "Dean, listen to me," and he looked back at Cas while Sam set his stuff down at the table and then climbed over Dean's legs to settled himself down on the bed behind him where Dean had curled up on his side. "What happened, with Jack, that wasn't your fault. You didn't kill Jack, Chuck did."

 

"But I provoked him, and everything I did before..." Dean stopped when Sam set a hand upon his shoulder and squeezed.

"Let's not talk about that right now," his brother reasoned and Dean briefly closed his eyes, "we can approach that conversation after you had at least a couple of nights full of sleep and picked up a little weight again." Dean looked at the hand holding onto Cas' sleeve, at the wrist poking out from his own shirt, his own sleeve that was pooling around his arm. "Do you wanna talk about Wichita, Dean?"

 

"There was a sign," he began and didn't look at either of them, choosing to focus on a crack in one of the ground floor tiles that had been there already when Dean had picked this room. "Outside the motel I was staying at, across the street there was this house." He could only hope that Cas and Sam would be able to follow his rambling recollection. "It had a sign, it offered people an open door if they wanted to talk about struggling with this apocalypse, it even used that exact word. And... I couldn't get it out of my head, not even while I was taking down the wolf pack. It was just stuck, and then the next morning I was just standing in front of that door and had rang the bell. And this woman... Julia, she... just saw right away that I needed to talk, and she invited me inside and didn't pressure me. But she got quickly enough that I was a hunter, her father had been one too. And I... I don't know why I was talking, I just did... I didn't tell her everything, I don't think it goes down well with people when you tell them you met God and that he's a massive dick and caused all of this because he was pissed we weren't jumping for him anymore."

 

Sam moved to lay down on his side behind him, not crowding close but being there.

 

"When I was done, she was quiet for a moment, and then... she used some words that just slipped right past me in that moment, but they hit me later when I was driving down that road," Dean explained and Cas turned his arm and his wrist until he could curl his fingers around Dean's lower arm without dislodging Dean's hold on his sleeve. "She said I had symptons of deep depression and repressed grief and shock. And she thinks I should get professional help but how are we gonna find someone who won't have me admitted after just one sentence?"

 

"You let us worry about that, Dean," Sam told him gently and his arm pushed a little forward until it was pressed up right against Dean's back. "You just..." and Sam grew silent, so long indeed that Dean let go of Cas and Cas in turn let go of him so Dean could turn around to be able to look at his brother. When he saw Sam's face though it nearly broke in two all over again, his brother was crying. "I can't lose you, Dean, I can't. Everything that has happened, everything that is still happening, I can't lose you. We just got Adam back and Michael is out of the Cage but not actively trying to kill us. The monster count is going down, and Anael and Cas think that Michael might actually be involved in that. Things are finally letting a sliver of light through, Dean, we might just get through this. And I don't care how long it might take for you to get better but please promise me that I won't lose you."

 

Dean tried to fight it, this was already a canyon width over chick flick line but he was just so scared of not feeling anything again, he couldn't stop it. He closed his eyes and then he was crying, "you won't lose me, I promise." Sam tugged him under his chin, wrapped an arm around him, and it was wrong, because Dean was the big brother and it was his job to take care of Sam but it just felt so good, it felt so good to feel safe.

"You two should both get some sleep," Cas spoke up and Dean felt his hand stroke over his back, "I'll go and see if I can help Rowena and Adam a little."

 

"Please stay," Dean said quietly against Sam's shoulder but he knew Cas wouuld hear and there was movement that indicated that Cas got up so he had. "Please stay a little longer."

 

"Okay, Dean."

 

--

 

Over the next days, Dean slept a lot, it felt like he was catching up on a lifetime of missed sleep and Cas assured him that it was his mind's way of kicking the healing process. And with how alarmingly skinny he had gotten without noticing his body just didn't have the energy for much, now where the adrenaline and the numbness had broken away. During the nights, Sam or Cas staid with him, sometimes even both, during the day Dean's door remained open and people came by to sit with him for a while, whether he was asleep or not. He didn't talk to anyone but Sam and Cas though, and no one was blaming him or looking disappointed over it.

 

He didn't leave his room much, except for the bathroom and to grab something from the kitchen if he didn't want to bother Sam or Cas who were always offering to fetch him whatever he wanted. Aside from Sam and Cas, everyone had their own thing how they give Dean silent comfort when they sat with him while he was awake, Jody talked about the cases she worked on with Donna and Claire, stroked his hair out of his face and never brought it up that Dean always fell asleep to her stories. Donna talked about the completely overwhelmed law enforcement officers they came across, and she always had something sweet to eat with her, something Sam frowned about because he wanted Dean to pack on meat, not sugar but Sam was also the one who shoved pie at him when Dean managed to finish a plate, so it was pure double standards.

 

Claire had perfected the mute companionship and usually flipped through her phone and her laptop when she spent some time with Dean. She didn't talk much but she showed Dean stupid cat videos on her phone and laughed when he rolled his eyes. Rowena usually had some old book with her and she never talked about anything related to what Dean knew the group was working on, the big picture, closing down Hell and sending all ascended souls back into the pit without actually meaning it literally because no one wanted to send Adam back as well. But Rowena told stories about times long gone and Dean listened because it might not be cowboys but knights were hella cool as well.

 

Adam was the one who sought him out the most, always with a book about something in his hands, or a phone or Sam's laptop. And he talked about stuff that had the least do with hunting and Dean found himself sometimes even humming in agreement. Adam talked about trying to figure out this world ten years on, he talked about how much had changed and what hadn't changed at all. He told Dean in secret that he was truly struggling in getting used to the phone Sam had given him but that he didn't want to tell Sam because he was too proud.

 

And that had Dean even laugh for a moment because that had been him when Sam had upgraded them to smartphones and Dean had been hopelessly feeling too old for this shit.

 

A good week and a half after Cas had brought him back home from Wichita, Dean was walking into the library at around early afternoon, finally feeling ready to face the bunker world outside of his room for at least a little bit of social interaction. He had no desire to get involved in the research, he didn't feel ready for it, for Chuck, for Michael, for apocalypses, but he wanted to see people and he wanted a bacon sandwich without fucking salad on it.

 

"Hey," Sam unsurprisingly caught sight of him first and stood up to offer Dean his chair, "I was actually to come over in some minutes to see if you might be hungry."

"I am, but I don't want a freaking salad leaf anywhere near my food," Dean grouched and the people assembled in the library smiled at him. Jody and Donna seemed to be out or sleeping off a case because it was only Claire sitting on an armchair at the side with her laptop, Rowena and Adam bend over a small potions cauldron and Sam now stacking up the books he had surely been brooding over.

 

"Fine, but just this once, you need vitamins," Sam countered and Dean bit back the common over how many fucking vitamins there would be in a freaking salad leaf, he didn't want to argue.

"Where is Cas?" Dean wanted to know after Sam had already taken a step away to get to the kitchen, there was a book on angel lore open in front of the seat between Sam's corner of the table and Adam's but no angel.

"Anael called for help, I don't know what's going on but Cas flew over to see what is up, it's easy for him to cross the border for obvious reasons." Sam explained and then walked off towards the kitchen after Dean had nodded. "Claire, come on, it's your turn to help in the kitchen." Claire groaned but set her stuff aside to follow Sam.

 

Dean leaned back in his chair and watched Rowena and Adam work, words he would have never thought to speak, he had gotten used to have Rowena as an ally and no longer an enemy but he would have never thought to see Adam again, let alone to have him home with them. To have him be part of this wild family. The cauldron hissed and Adam jumped back whereas Rowena casually leaned over it, "those spiders weren't fresh anymore, I will see if I can find any live ones. Be right back." Rowena wooshed off with quick steps and Adam shuddered a little before falling down into his chair.

 

"I was studying pre-med and I gladly help stitch up people and deal with blood all day long but she throws stuff in there I want nothing to do with," Adam grunted and pointedly turned away from the now once more silent cauldron. "It's good to see you up, Dean. And before you say anything, I don't care about what happened in the past, whether it be ten years ago or some weeks ago. I never blamed you for anything, you had never even met the real me by the time the angels had their eyes on me. I just..." he stopped to find his words, "I don't know why Michael brought me back to Earth and gave me my body back but I don't want to spent this second chance stuck in the past. We can talk about it if you really want it but only after you are better."

 

"Okay," Dean said in reply to it and Adam smiled, he wanted to keep his brother talking though so he asked him the questions he never got a chance to ask him in the past. "What made you go for pre-med?" Adam's smile turned fonder and he talked about watching his mother work. It was easy to talk to him, Dean realized that quickly, he was smart, the same kind of book nerd level that Sam possessed but he hated technology just as much as Dean did. They were talking Baby and how Adam remembered John turning up in her when Sam returned sans Claire.

 

"Stalked off to do whatever, I don't question her or ask why," Sam explained when he caught Dean's searching look, "Where did Rowena go?"

"Hunting live spiders," Adam grouched and Sam scrunched up his nose, "I am sincerely starting to regret agreeing to help her with this. This has absolutely nothing to do with biology, this is just plain disgusting," Adam argued and Sam snorted, setting plates down on the table wherever he could, though Adam quickly pulled his further away from the cauldron. Sam even raised the bread slice on Dean's plate to show him that there was indeed no green stuff on it, Dean stuck his tongue out at him in reply.

 

"Just eat."

 

After lunch, Rowena returned and declared that she needed to head out to find proper spiders and Adam took flight because there was apparently only so much he could deal with. It left Sam and Dean alone in the library, and his brother carefully approaching a topic that he had been working on quietly apparently.

 

"I think I found someone who could help you, or at least help us maybe find someone who can." Sam started hesitantly and continued with more vigor to it after Dean had nodded, "Do you remember Mia? The shapeshifter? She was involved in a case two years ago, the grief councilor who didn't know her friend was killing her customers?"

"It was one of the last cases we worked on before Cas came back to us," Dean did remember, that case had started to change his view on Jack.

 

"Yes, it was. Anyway, I did some research on what she has been up to and she actually renewed her licenses and got even further education to become a proper therapist. She is a professional, and you wouldn't have to keep anything secret from her, talking about archangels or God or demons wouldn't knock her off her feet." Sam pointed out and Dean could see the arguments make sense, "the only downpoint is that she obviously doesn't live in Kansas and getting to her is more or less impossible right now. Cas can cross the state lines unnoticed by the government if he flies but he says that whatever power is holding the monsters contained to Kansas is also prehibiting him from transporting someone through it. And sneaking across the border and then getting through Iowa on a regular basis is... it's nothing I want to heap onto you right now. So, I think we might be forced to wait until we got Hell back in Hell. But I can keep looking, I can dig deeper and..."

 

"Sam?" Dean waited until Sam stopped waving his hand and looked at him again, "thank you. I know you are super busy with all this research to stop Chuck and put Hell back where it belongs and you still took time to find me help, so thank you. I'm not okay, not by a long shot, but I'm not spiralling right now, I can wait until you guys find a way to reverse this shitstorm out there."

"Are you sure?" Sam wanted to know and pushed his laptop close, "because yes fixing that mess out there is important but nothing is more important to me than making sure you're alright right now."

 

"Sam, I'm sure. Hey, would you mind doing some of your research in Baby? I want to check her over a little, Cas drove her all the way here from Wichita and that didn't hit me until this morning."

 

"Lead the way."

 

Cas turned up halfway through Dean polishing the Impala's roof, immediately falling into a rant about Anael and priorities and what constituted as an emergency.

 

--

 

Two weeks on, Dean was still avoiding the apocalypse research party but had involved himself much more with the bunker ongoings again. He still slept a lot and struggled to be alone really at night, something that Cas always wordlessly solved by sitting with him, reading his books in the dark. He gladly helped Jody, Donna and Claire when they went out for cases or searched for new ones.

 

He found himself quickly bonding with Adam, covering for him every time he locked himself out of his phone on accident again and couldn't right away read whatever article Sam had sent him again. They both whined over missing cartoons so much that Sam downloaded them an entire package just so shut them up again, and then squished himself between them anyway when they went for Scooby Doo after a long day of research.

 

No one pushed Dean when he felt too raw to leave his room sometimes or made fun of him when he randomly fell asleep on a couch or an armchair. Sam still kept a close eye on his eating habits and made sure that Dean had proper meals, which was no real difficulty because Lebanon had to close the last take out venue which prompted them to spent an evening moaning about all the greasy food they missed and Sam to serve them chicken with the biggest side salad in existence out of sheer glee.

 

Dean wasn't kidding himself that he was suddenly getting better just because he could interact with people and actually laugh and feel something again. He was taking the days day by day and took time in the safety of his own room when it seemed like things got to be too much. He talked with Cas and Sam when things came to his mind, and they both listened and staid with him afterwards when he couldn't talk anymore but just didn't want to be alone.

 

When shit hit the fan hard Dean was still caught entirely unawares. It happened in the middle of the day, Dean had just gotten off the phone with Jody to figure out what was causing the haunting at the abandoned former school she was investigating with Donna and Claire. Sam and Adam were complaining over the spellwork Rowena had them do and Cas was reading quietly in another corner of the library.

 

It was also Cas who dropped his book in the next moment and then doubled over with a groan, one hand pressed to the side of his head. Sam immediately abandoned whatever squishy thing he had been cutting up to rush over while Dean felt his heart pound against his ribcage, chest squeezing tighter and tighter. "Cas?" He called out his friend's name, hating how shaky his voice had gotten, Adam had begun to move closer to him, Cas struggled to sit upright with Sam's help.

"It's Michael," he grunted out and the room froze, "Michael returned to Heaven. He's calling for a meeting." Cas explained and then his face relaxed again when angel radio must have turned silent again, he had admitted to Dean one night a few days ago that it was strange to have it again after going so long without it.

 

"Do you have to go up?" Dean wanted to know, a knot of something panicky and terrible forming in his stomach over the thought. Cas going out on hunts was one thing, Cas heading out of state because Anael wasn't leaving him alone again was already testing his limits but him going back to Heaven where he had no allies and just enemies... Cas facing Michael after they had parted via holy Molotov cocktail...

 

"I won't go unless he explicitly calls for me and threatens to come down here if I won't come up," Cas made clear and was already getting up, crossing the room to settle a heavy hand on Dean's shoulder, "I'm not going up, Dean." Dean tuned out the following discussion over what reasons or agendas Michael might have and instead focused on the feeling of Cas' hand still squeezing his shoulder from time to time, he let it ground him back down until this knot had dissolved itself again. The excitement and stress of it all, even this short moment, was enough though to have his energy drained away again and he fell asleep while his brothers and Cas were still talking with Rowena over Heaven's returned Prince and his possible stand with Chuck.

 

When he woke up again, he was in his bed and no longer in the library, Cas was sitting beside him on the bed, reading something if the sound of turning pages was any indication. Dean let himself wake up a little more and then rolled over until he could lean his head back and look up at Cas.

"Did anything else happen while I was out?" He asked quietly and Cas lowered his book, he was smiling as he shook his head and Dean breathed out, "okay, good."

"Dean, you know, if you think it would be better to stay away from all... this," Cas began and raised the book in his hands to indicate that he meant the whole apocalypse insanity, "then everybody would understand. All of us really just want to help in any way we can."

 

"I don't..." Dean broke off and looked away from Cas, pushed forward a little until he could press his forehead against Cas' thigh. "I don't want to get involved. But I also don't want to avoid it all. I know it doesn't make sense, I just don't know what I want or what I don't want and..."

"Hey," Cas stopped him before he could lose control over his sentences again, it happened now sometimes, he jsut started rambling and then couldn't stop because he didn't know anymore what he wanted to say. "Just take a breath," Cas encouraged him and one of his hands settled into Dean's hair, carefully stroking through it, "We won't keep stuff from you, Dean, and we're not gonna stop talking about our plans and ideas either when you're around, even when we won't involve you. But you have to understand that if we think something might be too... triggering or stressful, we will watch out for you, too." And then Cas pulled on his hair a little so Dean would look at him again, his hair had gotten longer and he hadn't yet decided if he liked it like that or not. "You're important, Dean, to all of us, and we want to see you happy again."

 

"Do you think we can get there? To something that is an 'after the second apocalypse', to being happy?" Dean wanted to know and Cas was silent for a moment, looking down at him.

"Yeah, Dean," he said after a good minute, "I think we can get there. All of us. In time," Cas put the emphasis on the last part and Dean couldn't look away from his face. Cas was putting so much effort into taking care of him, of always being there and then he was so heavily involved in the research, he was doing so much. Had anyone taken care of him?

 

"Cas?"

 

"Hm?"

 

"How are you doing?"

 

"I'm okay, Dean." Cas reassured him and his hand was still in Dean's hair, "I had a rough time, I won't lie about that. Jody actually helped a lot in understanding how I felt, and going out on hunts with Claire helped as well. Keeping busy, Jody says it helps, and letting yourself be sad when you want to be sad." Cas explained and Dean felt this knot in his chest again.

"I miss him," he confessed very quietly and Cas' hand stilled in his hair, "I miss him so much. I never wanted him to die, you have to believe me. Cas, you have to believe me, I didn't. I will never forgive myself for what I did to him."

 

"Don't say that, Dean," Cas told him and Dean closed his eyes when tears were prickling at them again, "We all made mistakes in the last year, and I feel terrible that Mary and Jack paid the price for it. But we should live in their memory now and not punish us until eternity." Dean couldn't sort his thoughts, there were so many things he wanted to say but he couldn't get any of it into words, Cas' hand began to move through his hair again. "Sam, he... he and I, we talked a lot in the days before we got the support from the others. He blames himself for causing this because he shot Chuck, and I think that losing Jack brought up a lot of emotions of loss that he never really had the chance to address. It's why he got so close with Rowena, she's mourning as well, and not just Jack."

 

"Do you..." Dean's question was abruptly cut off when a crash sounded from somewhere down the corridor and they were both up and running before their heads had probably even processed it, even while feeling like shit Dean couldn't shake off instincts. His chest tightened when he realized that the crash must have come from Sam's room, the door was wide open and Adam was frantically waving them over. Dean stormed into his brother's room behind Cas and then froze when he found Sam down on his knees next to his bed, Rowena crouched down in front of him, desperately trying to get him to stop hyperventilating.

 

"What happened?" Cas asked and quickly knelt down at Sam's side to help their resident witch, Dean could feel his hands starting to shake but he also caught sight of Sam's phone upside down on the bed, as if he had dropped it.

"I don't know," Rowena said and Dean pushed himself to move again, walking over to the bed to grab his brother's phone, Adam came to stand by his side. "Sam, hey, Sam, can you hear? You need to calm down, Sam."

 

Dean swiped his brother's phone open and then stared at the latest message that Donna had sent him, he stared at the picture and then read the few lines and then stared at the picture again.

 

"Cas." He must have sounded alarmed enough because Cas immediately scrambled back up to his feet and came over, looking at the phone Dean held out for him.

 

Looking at the picture Donna had sent Sam.

 

The picture of a very much alive Eileen Leahy standing next to Claire.

 

And under it Donna had written 'We found her taking care of the haunting. She doesn't know how she came back but she has since made her way to Kansas to get to you guys. We'll be back at the bunker in the morning.'

 

Dean gave the phone to Cas and then slowly went to his knees in front of Sam, his hands were still shaking and he knew he was certainly not the best for this right now because his mental stability was fragile at best but nevertheless he set his hands to cup his brother's face and waited until Sam caught his eyes with his own. Dean smiled, wonky and surely teary-eyed again. "She's back, Sammy. She's really back."

"This doesn't happen to me," Sam croaked out because he was still not breathing right but he was getting there, Rowena had shifted to lean against his side, "People don't come back for me."

 

"Well, Eileen is, Sammy," Dean told him and Sam's eyes welled up and then ran over, "and she's gonna be here in the morning and if she sees what a mess you are over her, she's gonna kick your ass to the moon and further." Sam laughed himself through a sob and then he slumped forward into Dean's arms, crying because a woman whom he had never managed to tell how he felt had come back from the dead. Come back from a death that they had felt so guilty about, over getting her letter too late, for not taking the fucking revenge on Ketch that they should have. Instead they had even worked with him and Dean knew how much Sam had hated it.

 

Shakily Dean got his arms around his brother and was glad that Cas crouched down behind him to take his weight because Sam was heavy and Dean didn't nearly have the strength he once had.

 

--

 

In the morning he stood beside Cas, buried to the nose in a jacket, a hat and a scarf because it was fucking freezing and snowing, watching how Sam hugged Eileen to his chest for what seemed like an eternity. They broke apart only to frantically began to sign and Dean certainly could not keep up with that so he could sighed, shifting on his feet.

 

"It's fucking cold," he complained silently and tugged the sleeves further down over his hands, Cas chuckled at his side.

"You need to put on more fat again," Adam pointed out and Dean huffed, shuffling maybe a step closer to Cas to steal some warmth, not that he would have ever admitted that.

"Tell that to our brother who is trying to feed me nothing but salad and vegetables," Dean pointed out and then huffed, "I would kill for a burger by now."

 

"We could go out for groceries later," Cas proposed and pressed his arm against Dean's, "Sam will certainly be preoccupied and with everyone back together, I'm sure we could have a nice dinner later. Sam will let you into the kitchen if I stay with you." Cas added in the end and Dean grimaced, despite the fact that he had tried to convince his brother that he wanted to do something for them instead of always just the other way around, Sam had tried hard to keep him from actually working, including something as relaxing as cooking.

 

"Sounds like a really nice idea."

 

"Oh man, does that mean we get some greasy burgers and fries and bacon?" Adam nearly salivated as he asked and Dean snorted, "I like our brother, Dean, but 'low carb, non fat' is not what I want from my food." He complained and then accepted the hugs from Jody and Donna as the women had come over, Claire punched his shoulder and then made a beeline to hug Cas. Dean found himself tutted over by Jody and Donna and playfully groaned when they hugged him and pulled his hat even further down his nose.

 

Over by the car, Sam and Eileen were hugging again.

 

--

 

Dean had good days and bad days, and sometimes he had days where he couldn't even tell, where his mind was all over the place and his body too weary to talk, where he could only lay in bed and try not to drown in the thoughts pulling him apart. He wouldn't be left alone on those days, on any other day he got his privacy if he only asked for it, even when he was raging with unexplainable anger or crying and choking of guilt, if he asked for it he could be alone for a while. But not on those days, Dean called them the messy ones.

 

They also usually came with headaches that needed him to lay in the dark, sensitive to lights and noises, so whoever was with him had to sit in the dark but no one complained, at least not to him. Not being able to really talk proved to be the biggest struggle on those messy days, he didn't have the strength to get up but thirst and hunger still came, or his head got too loud and he wanted someone to just talk about anything to distract him.

 

Eileen proved a salvation, with a patience that Dean didn't deserve and much more skill than Sam had for it, she taught Dean some sign language to overcome exactly those problems. And she repeated them again and again without looking annoyed even once when his shaky hands couldn't get the signs right.

 

"Thank you," he told and signed her after another one of those afternoons and Eileen smiled at him, the light was dimmed but on because his headache had gone down with whatever disgusting tea Rowena had made him. Dean was not gonna ask what was in it, he had heard too much from Adam by now over potion ingredients.

"It's no problem," Eileen said and then looked at her phone when it buzzed, she frowned but smoothed it over quickly again.

 

Dean waited until she was looking at him again before he spoke once more, "If you have to go, go. I'm feeling better, I'm okay." He assured her and Eileen bit her lip but then nodded, so whatever had been written to her must be important. She squeezed his arm and then hurried off, Dean shifted down on his bed again and turned on his side, a little more sleep would maybe let him get rid of the remaining headache.

 

He didn't know how long he slept when he was awoken by yelling voices and people running through corridors. He frowned and struggled himself to his feet, walking on sock clad feet out of his room and then towards the war room, if chaos reigned, then usually there. Sam was yelling for quiet as Dean reached the last corridor before the few steps leading to the war room, the multitude of voices vanished or turned too quiet for Dean to hear, what he could understand was Sam's very clear and very much pissed off, "What do you want?"

 

Pushing at his depleted energy a little, Dean sped up his steps a little and then pulled himself around the corner. The sight that greeted him was too much to take in. Too much to understand. Cas was standing in front of Claire, Jody and Donna, angel blade in his hand, stretched out in front. Sam had placed himself in front of Eileen and Rowena, Eileen was holding Dean's angel blade and Rowena's fingertips were prickling with sparks and Sam was holding Gabriel's blade.

 

The only weapon dangerous here for the man standing at the bottom of the stairs.

 

And Dean couldn't tell what let his heart drop to the bottom of his stomach more, the achingly familiar face of a young John Winchester or Adam with his hands outstretched towards Sam and Cas to hold them back.

 

"Sam, please," Adam was pleading as Dean took two more steps closer, holding himself up against the bookshelf, "please put the blade away and give him a chance to explain."

"How about we start with you explaining to me how you knew he was coming and Cas didn't!" Sam snarled out and moved when Eileen drew up to his side, clearly wanting to position herself so she could understand.

"I didn't stop praying to him and he came to me in my dreams last night," Adam explained and then caught sight of Dean creeping closer, "Dean, please, he just wants to talk." Cas whirled around but Sam kept his eyes on Michael who was looking over at Dean now as well, surprise in his cold eyes.

 

Cas pushed his angel blade into Claire's hand and then rushed over to Dean, pulling out a chair for him to sit on and Dean only then noticed that his legs were shaking as well.

 

"He can talk from behind a circle of holy oil," Dean said when he was sitting and his brothers both looked at him, Adam relieved, Sam unsure. "If he really only wants to talk that shouldn't hinder him. Sam, why don't you get it."

"Oh hell no, I'm not moving an inch!" Sam snapped towards Michael and Dean threw a look to Cas who nodded and then walked off.

 

When they had Michael surrounded by a ring of ignited holy oil a few minutes later and Adam pouting on the bottom step of the staircase behind him because Sam had chewed him out for not directly coming to him this morning, Dean at least felt like he could breathe again. Sam was still poised for a fight, fingers clutched around Gabriel's blade that Gabriel had given him in the other world when Sam had vibrated out of his skin over having Lucifer around. 'It may not kill him when you're not an Archangel but it sure will hurt him until I can be there if he dares to do anything.' Dean had learned of that gesture only after Gabriel had died.

 

Eileen hadn't left Sam's side but the others had sat down as well, or at least taken a few steps back, Cas stood like a sentinel at Dean's shoulder.

 

"Alright," Cas was also the first to speak again, "can we hear now why you're here?" He was tensed with pure stress, Dean could almost feel it pour off of him, once upon a time Cas had acted on Michael's orders when he had raised Dean out of Hell, and then when he had rebelled against Heaven he had also explicitly rebelled against Michael. And then he had worked with Sam and Dean against him for a year before throwing a burning bottle of holy fire in Michael's face. "You haven't answered any of my calls. Adam has been praying for weeks and you only come now?"

 

"I was busy," Michael answered and fuck, Dean had almost forgotten how fucking calm he was, how nothing seemed to get him even riled up a little. "As you might recall, Castiel, Heaven is in shambles right now. It took a lot of work to get order back into it."

"I don't particularly care," Cas deadpanned and Dean nearly nearly smiled because Sam showed life again when he sent Dean a look, right there Cas had almost sounded like Dean. "I did still, a year ago, but after what Chuck did, I'm done with upstairs."

 

"And that is why I'm here," Michael said, still without emotion, and it sent shivers down Dean's back because it was frightening to see someone else be this seemingly numb, only Michael might actually never have had freaking emotions. "Father isn't himself."

 

Silence.

 

Until Cas roared and brushed past Dean who was way too slow to react and too weak anyway to do something in holding Cas back. Sam and Claire both jumped forward to, both of them setting a hand against Cas' chest though it still was only a gesture because if Cas really wanted he could easily push past them again nowadays.

 

"You dare!" He screamed and Dean flinched but still slowly struggled himself to his feet, "You dare come here making excuses for him after what he did! He killed Jack without even for a second bothering to find an alternative! After everything he did to all of us here for years just because he wanted to be entertained! He used Dean and Sam like puppets for his stories! He killed your nephew, Michael, do you really feel nothing about that!" Cas raging and he was trembling with anger and as Sam locked eyes with Dean he still moved to the side so Dean could take his place, nudging Claire away as well he settle both hands on Cas' shoulders.

 

Cas calmed quickly after that, breathing out heavily, "Jack was like a son to me and I had to watch him die right in front of my eyes because Chuck felt threatened by his own grandson. So tell me, Michael, tell me one good reason why I should even listen to you!"

"It wasn't Chuck," Michael ever tonelessly replied and Dean exchanged a frown with Cas before he twisted half around to look at the Archangel behind him, behind Michael Adam had gotten to his feet as well again. "He is not himself, I don't know how long it might have been going on, but he is corrupted."

 

"Corrupted?" Dean asked and slowly let go of Cas to turn around, "what is strong enough to corrupt God?" He wanted to know and then had his answer already in the next moment, legs going weak and he would have fallen if Sam and Cas hadn't caught him. "Amara."

"Yes," was Michael's only initial comment to that and only when Cas snapped at him to elaborate did he go on. "She has tainted him, merged with him. Father didn't kill the Nephilim, it was Amara."

 

And suddenly everything was even more fucked than it was before.

 

"And I need your help."

 

--

 

And that was how they stumbled into saving God.

 

Especially Dean who didn't feel up to the task at all.

 

--

 

It had been a ride that had pushed Dean to the complete limits of his mind and he wouldn't have been able to do it if it hadn't been for the family around him. And now, sitting on his bed and feeling like he had aged a decade in just one year, Dean sighed and dropped his face into his hands, he was so fucking tired that even his head couldn't bother him.

 

The government had declared Kansas cleared this moment, said it was a chemical accident, people weren't buying it at all but folks were also too happy to go back to their normal lives to question it for long. The borders were open again, now where no more undead were threatening the lives of innocents, and they had said goodbye to Jody, Donna and Claire this morning because they just really wanted home, Jody especially wanted back to Alex and Patience after so many months of not seeing them.

 

Dean was glad and not glad about it at the same time, on one hand it would make the bunker quieter, on the other hand it would also make it lonelier, he had grown so used to a full house. Of course it wasn't as empty as it had been before, Eileen had moved in for good because Sam and her had managed to built up a relationship despite the craziness around them in recent time. Rowena stuck around as well, whoever knew why when she constantly complained over the bunker's rather simplistic standards but Dean also knew that she had grown fond of them. Adam didn't have any plans to leave, even though he wanted to look at colleges now where the world was looking like normal insanity again, Sam and Dean were encouraging him, one Winchester with a full on college education might just finally be a change for their family.

 

He looked up when it knocked on his door and he smiled tiredly when he found Cas in the open doorway, "Hey, come in. I just wanted a moment to think." Cas slipped into the room and closed the door behind himself, he was wearing his white button down but jeans to it, a nice looking mix of his old style and his new one. "Everything okay? I didn't mean to just disappear after dinner but I needed a moment for myself."

 

"Fully understandable, it's been a ride." Cas smiled at him and sat down next to him, it was weird and not weird at all how Dean had lost every and all concerns over personal space in the last months. He wasn't keen on being coddled by just everyone but he felt safer and calmer when Sam, Cas or Adam were close by, especially Cas. Where once the thought of being watched at night had creeped him out, it now gave him peace and comfort. "Nothing happened though, the others are actually playing some games. I came by to see if you maybe wanted to join but now I get a feeling you would maybe rather talk?"

 

Dean looked down at his hands and smiled, warmth filling him over Cas being so right in reading him. There had been so many conversations, so much talking, forgiveness on either side, they were now in a better place than they had ever been, even if Dean was still far from being okay.

 

"Sam gave me Mia Vallens' number earlier, I think I'm gonna call her tomorrow," Dean told him and dropped down onto his back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, Cas turned and leaned back until he was propped up on one arm to still be able to look at him. "It's terrifying."

"And brave," Cas reminded him gently, "Seeking help takes a lot of courage, don't underestimate that. This isn't about admitting weakness, it's being strong enough to admit that you can't do this alone."

 

"I know, it's still not easy. We saved God, Cas, but I can't save myself from this thing in my own head," Dean sighed and rubbed his hands down his face. "Can I tell you something?" He asked when he was done and rolled his head to the side to catch blue eyes, Cas nodded. "I don't want to hunt anymore." Dean confessed and alone speaking the words out loud already made his chest feel lighter, he had carried the thought for a while already. "I think this is my last chance to get out and I need to take it before this job actually destroys me. And I'm fucking terrified of that as well but I realized that I can't do both. I can't hunt and get better, and I want to get better."

 

"No one would blame you for stepping out, Dean," Cas said softly and Dean nodded, he knew that, Adam had no desire to start hunting and neither of them had twitched an eye over it, had instead given their full support to what he wanted to do, going back to college and maybe learn more about magic at the side. Dean also knew that Sam looked forward to good old normal hunting cases again the future but conversations they had had had also already hinted at Sam not expecting Dean to be at his side for them and he hadn't seem disappointed let alone angered over it, Eileen and him were a good team.

 

"I know I would have you guys' support but it's still gonna be a big decision. I've never done anything else in my life, Cas, and it's... it's frightening to think of what else then there might be." Dean explained and sighed, "but I guess that's another thing the sessions at the therapist might help with. You're still okay with playing air taxi?"

"For you only," Cas teased him and grinned and Dean chuckled, "I'm proud of you, you know. You never gave up, even when it might have been easier. You kept on fighting, even joined in when it came to saving Chuck and locking Amara away. You had a very good excuse and you still wanted to help. You are so much stronger than you believe right now, Dean."

 

"Thanks, Cas."

 

In the next moment, Dean sat up again and then turned to his right, leaning over Cas who was still reclined onto his arm. They smiled at each other and Dean leaned in for a kiss, it was brief and soft but Cas smiled only brighter when Dean opened his eyes again.

 

"Cas, I..."

 

And of course that was the moment a high pitched scream broke through the bunker and they were stumbling over each other to get off the bed and into the corridor. Running until they reached the library where they both stopped a few steps through the doorway, shock turning their systems to stone for a very long moment.

 

Eileen and Adam were still sitting at the table they had obviously been playing Monopoly, two other chairs on one side each of them were crashed to the ground as their owners had apparently jumped up so fast that they had just fallen over. Five feet away from the table maybe Rowena had her arms thrown around the neck of a softly laughing Gabriel, her face buried against his shoulder while he hugged her so fierce it almost looked painful, his face pushed into red hair.

 

As amazing it was to see him alive again though, it was the person desperately held in Sam's embrace who had Dean snatch a hand out towards the closest table to keep himself upright. Who had emotions rocking up in him that made him dizzy and hot and cold, a pool of lava shooting through his chest and it hurt and it felt good. Especially when Cas breathed out an utterly unbelieving "Jack" next to him, a sound that was already almost a cry.

 

In Sam's arms Jack twisted around to look over and then the second Sam was letting him go, Jack was running and Cas was moving as well and they crashed together in the middle of the room, arms around each other, holding on for life. Dean looked away when tears burned in his eyes, couldn't even process at all what he was seeing, couldn't understand but maybe he didn't have to understand anymore and just fucking take it for once. Over by the opening to the war room Chuck was leaning against a chair, still looking worse for wear but smiling as he watched them, and it was still such a relief to see the gentle man in him again, the God who loved and cared.

 

When Rowena and Gabriel broke apart, Gabriel walked to hug Sam who clung to him almost as much as he had to Jack, laughing over whatever Gabriel whispered to him. Dean had the sudden overwhelming desire to slip away, to get away before this stopped being real but before he could transport the thought from his brain to his feet, Cas and Jack were parting and as Cas stepped over to greet his brother, Dean caught Jack's eyes.

 

Jack was grinning and Dean could feel it rolling up his chest, could feel it in his throat and one of his feet was moving backwards now. He didn't deserve this, he didn't get to have this, not after what he had done to him but Jack was walking, straight towards him and Dean's body wasn't obeying the wished for flight instinct. Quickly enough he had familiar arms wrapping around his back and a familiar head tugging itself under his chin and he couldn't breathe and his arms were just hanging in mid air.

 

"Jack..." and he was crying, tears bursting past this wall of will, running hot down his face and over Jack's head he saw how Cas was getting out of the hug with Gabriel and then moving back towards them but Sam grabbed his arm and held him back. "Jack, I'm so sorry." Jack only squeezed him harder and Dean's arms slowly got wrapped around him, hands landing on the kid's back.

"It's okay, Dean, it's okay," Jack told him, quiet but happy and he was real, he was fucking back and real, Dean sank his head to lean against Jack's. "I forgive you."

 

Dean buried his face in short hair and cried, he crushed Jack to his chest as much as he could right now and he cried. Cried tears of joy because he had his kid back.

 

--

 

Epilogue

 

"Dean, I can't find the iron and Eileen says you rearranged the potions again!"

 

Dean groaned and rolled himself out from under Adam's car, setting tools to the side and rejoicing in the fact that he was soon gonna be able to actually fix this damn beast because the people constantly yelling for something would be out of the house.

"I'm the only one who keeps order here!" He nevertheless also yelled right back in answer to Sam's half posed question, if his brother didn't think he needed to come into the garage, Dean wouldn't come out of it. "She is messing with my system! And Jack!" He added right along as he straightened up and saw the mess in the red car right next to Baby, "you better get in here fast or I will throw your stuff out!"

 

He shook his head and then picked up the rag from the top of the toolbox, he would just wait until tomorrow to get back to this. In peace then. Cleaning off his hands roughly at least, Dean got set on collecting his tools again when his brother was hollering once more.

 

"I still can't find the iron!"

 

"How did you ever become an adult! Open your damn eyes!" Dean replied to him and huffed, there was a box neatly labeled iron, it wasn't so hard. "Jack, I'm counting!"

"I'm coming!" Jack complained as he stumbled into the garage and Dean pointed a finger over to the car they had given him, something small and cheap he could crash without sending Dean into a total rant over wasting something precious. Jack mumbled something under his breath but then blushed when he caught Dean's look and just hurried to clean up the mess that was his car at this point.

 

"Why did you put the iron to the potions ingredients? That's not making sense, Dean!" Sam's voice came once more up the corridor and Dean threw his head back to stare at the ceiling, just last month Sam had pulled off some kind of genius stunt to take down an entire nest of vampires with no weapons on hand and today he couldn't fucking find the box labeled iron in a clearly simple system.

"How did we ever get anything done in the past, Cas?" He wanted to know from the angel who had perched himself on the hood of his jeep earlier to read while Dean worked.

 

"With about the same level of chaos." Cas deadpanned and then glanced over to Jack slamming the driver's door close, "don't give me that attitude, Jack, you make a mess, you clean it up." Cas pointed out calmly and Jack groaned again but also obediently stomped over to the other side of the car. Cas looked to Dean and breathed out long, Dean chuckled and closed his toolbox, picking it up to take it over to the shelf by the entrance.

 

"Hey, Cas, do you want to grab something to eat when we come back from Wisconsin later?" Dean wanted to know when he was done and had everything put away again.

"I'd love to," Cas told him and then he was suddenly right behind him and Dean laughed when an arm got slung around his middle, a cold nose nuzzling at the back of his neck, "you smell like oil and car polisher."

"Mhm," Dean agreed and though it was tempting he didn't reach for Cas, his hands were still dirty as fuck and he didn't want to ruin another one of Cas' shirt. "I need a shower."

 

"You two suck," Jack grouched as he passed by them with his arms loaded full and his face the thundercloud of teenage temper tantrums.

"Don't make me prolong that house arrest!" Cas called after him and then leaned back against Dean again, "how weak will it appear if I just throw him off to Gabriel and Rowena for a week, they're the ones who put those stupid fucking prank ideas in his head anyway."

 

"Not weak at all," Dean decided and despite not having done it a few days ago he now grinned upon the memory of finding the bunker filled with fucking chicken after he had complained over egg prices on the last grocery trip. It had been funny for about three minutes then they had just gone crazy, shit everywhere and not stopped fucking making noise. "Actually that sounds like a fucking genius idea. Let's do that. Let's make that an uncle vacation, Gabe takes him first and Michael can have him after that to level out the stupid ideas. And if he's not nice again by then, he can spent a weekend with Adam in Salina and die by boredom in a med school library." Dean proposed and Cas grinned against his neck. "They'll complain but what the fuck do I care, I just want some time alone with you without a bloody moody teenager complaining about everything. I can't wait for him to grow out of this phase."

 

"Yeah, my neither," Cas agreed and then carefully turned Dean around to really hug him, Dean raised his hands away to protect clothes.

"Cas, I am disgusting right now," he tried to protest but Cas shook his head and leaned in to kiss him, "you'll need a shower, too."

"Because that's such a horrible thing, sharing a shower," Cas mentioned and they broke apart in the next moment when Sam gagged as he passed by them to get to his car.

 

"Oh, shut up," Dean called after him, "the moments of times I caught with your hand up Eileen's shirt in the last week alone is uncountable. I thought the honeymoon phase started after the wedding, not the engagement party." He pointed out and Sam laughed, showing Dean the finger before he vanished behind the opening trunk. Eileen appeared next and Dean signed for her to 'dunk Sam's ass in any water source she cound find in Missouri.' Eileen nodded and somehow managed to bend around his hands, arms and dirtied shirt to kiss his cheek before hugging Cas and then walking over to Sam's car, too. She got into the passenger seat and pulled open the laptop she had been carrying, going back to researching what they might be up against.

 

Sam finished packing up the trunk and then came back over, hugged Cas goodbye and grimaced at Dean's appearance before giving him a hug as well, Dean just so refrained from planting a big handprint onto the back of his brother's pale shirt.

 

"Be careful and preferably also don't come back until Tuesday." Dean told him and Sam snorted, saluting before jogging over to his car. They watched Sam and Eileen leave and then walked back into the living quarters of the bunker, Dean grabbing fresh clothes so they could take off to Wisconsin for his session after that really long shower.

 

All wasn't great.

 

Dean had been diagnosed with enough words to have him dizzy still but he had opened himself up to get help, hadn't scoffed at the medication either. He still had a fight ahead of him, but he wasn't alone and he knew that given time and the love of his family, Dean could beat this battle, too.

 

All was going to be great.

 

Notes:

So far I have no plan to write further in this, whether it be diving into the actual mission to save Chuck or maybe Cas' POV or Sam's POV of it all. If that changes, I'll just add it to this in a series.

Thank you for reading!