Chapter Text
i. It is not as though things have ever worked out in her favor. She lost the man she loved, married one she didn't. No one can say that she wanted that.
They say that she wanted the curse. She did of course, to a certain extent. She killed the one she loved the most. But that did not work in her favor either. Not really. If anyone had the advantage it was Rumple.
And now, now when she finally has accepted her lack of free will (for when has she ever had free will?) and trusted in fate, this is what happens. And she rarely if ever trusts.
Well, it seemed to work out at first.
It seems that fairy dust doesn't lie. Not much anyway. Not more than anyone or anything else she's ever met.
Her soulmate? Perhaps.
Regardless she opened her heart to him. And if she didn't love him yet she could have, she certainly could have.
He cared for her. At the very least she believes he somewhat cared for her.
Even now that he is back with his wife.
Trusting the Charmings had always been her downfall. Will always be her downfall.
And so it should have come as no surprise when Emma returned from her little soirée in the past with none other than Robin's wife.
What is a surprise is the stick she is currently staring at. The box tells her it is called a pregnancy test. And the box tells her these two little lines? They can only mean one thing.
She drops the test to the bathroom floor. Stares at it as though that will change the results. And then waves her hand lazily over it and barely blinks and it disappears.
She has never been in control before. Not really. Why should she have power now?
ii. Henry stays with her at least two nights a week.
Although it should just be her given right. Although her son, the son that she adopted, should be with her all the time.
Emma lets him stay out of guilt. Out of some odd idea that this is a way of making things right with Regina.
To allow her visitation with her own son.
Still, when have things ever been in control?
She has tried so very hard for so very long and she is tired. Especially now.
You would think Henry would be the first to notice. As she slips into the bathroom each morning and vomits as quietly as possible. As her stomach slowly begins to grow.
But apparently his ability to see the unexpected only covers curses and long lost mothers and fairy tales he wants so desperately to be true.
And this is no fairy tale.
She rarely leaves her home anymore for there is little point.
The Charmings have won. Or at least gained control.
And she is so very tired.
The pregnancy is taking things out of her. Exhausting her. And the knowledge that she will do this all alone?
She will not steal Roland's mother from him. Not when she thinks of Henry and Emma's arrival and her own heartbreak.
Years ago she would have been pleased with a baby. Of course she would have. She chose to adopt Henry after all.
She looks no older now than she was then. But she is. Oh she is. And the thought of sleepless nights fills her with dread.
Worse is the idea of giving this baby her love and having it implode once again.
And it's bound to for Regina has never gotten what she wants.
iii. She has the epitome of morning sickness.
She supposes she is lucky. She has the internet, a luxury she would never have had in the Enchanted Forest. There she would have relied on old wives and old wives tales and midwives and all of that would have accounted to idle gossip.
Here she has real medicine and hundreds upon thousands of first hand accounts and videos that make her slightly queasy.
Here she has true worst-case scenarios. Of birth defects and births gone wrong and miscarriages.
And she may not want this baby, not really, but she doesn’t want to lose her either. She cannot lose another child.
So she is careful with what she eats. Forcing herself to at least consume some food (even if really it is not enough and she has little appetite anymore thinking of being alone. Forever alone. And she is not gaining weight as rapidly as she ought to be. But she is, at least, gaining it).
And she stops drinking her cider. Stops making it too, for what’s the point in having bottles upon bottles of something that no one will ever drink?.
She finds videos online that show her prenatal exercises and breathing for labor and she watches them carefully, mimicking what she can.
She will not trust Whale with someone else she loves.
So she doesn’t go to the doctor, doesn’t know the gender of this child, doesn’t know if she suffers from one of the thousands of afflictions that she reads about.
But how is that any different from what would have occurred had she gotten pregnant so many years ago? Certainly in the Enchanted Forest her care would have been no better.
She plans on a homebirth too.
And if she really thinks hard about it, she can admit that she is scared.
Of being alone.
Of doing this alone.
If she has learned one thing in the last year or so, it is that there is no point in dwelling on things she cannot change.