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“I understand. I always understood.”
Fenris could hardly believe his ears, or the understanding smile Marian Hawke was giving him. Three years of a chasm between them, and the woman managed to close it, just like that. Three years where he thought it better if she hated him, if he stayed away from her. Not that she’d given him much chance for that part – she was always insisting on helping him, or asking for his help. And who was he to say no?
“Hawke…I…” Fenris couldn’t quite find the words to express what he was feeling at her understanding. Gratitude, hope, and something like desperation.
“Stop gaping at me,” Hawke laughed, eyes sparkling in amusement. “You don’t truly think I was going to hate you for needing to take care of yourself, do you?”
“I left you,” Fenris answered at once. “You should.”
“You only left because you felt like you needed to,” Hawke said, and at this she got up from her chair and joined him where he’d been pacing as he spoke to her. She gently touched his arm and looked earnestly into his face. Her eyes were soft, caring, and somehow seemed to match the desperation-like feeling coursing through him. “But I hope you know…I will always understand, Fenris. I could never hate you. You don’t need to leave, to run away, unless that’s what you want. I will be whatever you need me to be. If you want nothing more than my friendship, it’s yours for the taking.” There was a sadness to her voice at the end, but he could easily see she meant every word.
Friendship? She thought that all he wanted was her friendship? Three years of wishing he deserved her, of missing her, of being unable to think of anything but her touch from that night. He couldn’t think of anything to say in reply, nothing that could accurately convey the depth of what he felt. Instead, he pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly, and crushed his lips to hers.
“Mmm,” Hawke whimpered softly, the vibration tingling on the elf’s lips. She wrapped her arms around him in return, and warmth – hope – spread throughout his body. Hawke didn’t despise him. She understood. After several blissful moments of his lips pressed to hers, each tongue gently flicking at the other in experimentation, he managed to make himself pull back slightly. He still didn’t let her go – part of him was afraid to – but he tilted his head enough that he could look into her eyes.
“If there is a future to be had,” Fenris rumbled softly, “I will walk into it gladly at your side. If you’ll have me.”
“Oh, Fenris,” Hawke murmured, bringing a hand up to scratch gently at his scalp, her lips quirking into a small smile. “I’ll have you for the rest of our lives, if you let me.”
With a small growl, he squeezed her possessively and kissed her hard once more. Her nails against his scalp dug in lightly in pleasure, and she kissed him back with fervor.
Fenris wasn’t sure how long they stood there, wrapped in one another’s arms like they couldn’t get close enough. They practically devoured one another in their desire to keep kissing, the hunger of three years finally having an outlet. He only knew it hadn’t been long enough when Hawke finally pulled back. The heat in her eyes almost undid him; he’d wanted her so much for so long, and to see her return the desire made him feel like he must be dreaming.
“I don’t want to push you,” Hawke said, her voice a rough whisper, strained with passion. “I don’t want to ruin this.”
“You won’t,” Fenris replied, his voice equally rough. “I have regretted leaving you for three years, and I’ve wanted you ever since.” He brought a hand up to softly caress her cheek, and she leaned into it with a smile. “I do not deserve you,” he breathed. “But I will treasure you all the same.”
“I won’t protest that,” Hawke said with a wry grin. “But you do deserve me, Fenris. You deserve everything. And I won’t let you forget it.”
She kissed him then, soft, gentle, and tender. It made his heart pound in a way the rougher kisses hadn’t.
“I am a lucky man,” Fenris murmured against her lips as he pulled back only slightly. “To have your favor.”
Hawke smiled. “I’m not all that special,” she said modestly.
“You most certainly are,” Fenris growled, annoyed that she would dismiss herself so easily. Hawke blushed slightly, and he softened his tone. “May I…may I show you?” He was still hesitant, still unsure whether this was really where she intended things to go. Her sparkling eyes should’ve been answer enough.
“Of course,” she replied, a little shy now.
He took her hand in his own, brushed his lips against her knuckles, and then led her over to his – admittedly shabby – bed. Very little was intact in his mansion, and he’d never bothered himself with it – though Varric had finally insisted on cleaning the corpses out. He stopped short, suddenly realizing that with Hawke’s lavish estate, perhaps she expected better than this.
“I – am sorry,” Fenris managed, glancing back over his shoulder at her. “I know this isn’t as…pleasant as your home. Would you prefer - ?”
“No,” Hawke said, squeezing the elf’s fingers. “I don’t give a damn where we are, Fenris. I am happy to be with you.” Her sincerity was unmistakable, and Fenris felt a little better about it.
He nodded and continued walking, stopping only when they reached the bed.
“May I undress you?” Fenris asked softly, wanting to be sure – beyond any doubt – that she understood his intentions. A small part of him still feared she meant to laugh at his audacity for thinking himself forgiven and then run out, telling everyone. Hawke wouldn’t do that, he scolded himself.
“If you’d like,” Hawke said, her voice slightly shaky with what sounded like anticipation. He smirked at that, then threaded his fingers in her dark hair before cupping her cheek.
“You are lovely, Hawke,” Fenris said, just admiring her face for a moment. He’d once heard her call herself ‘plain’ – she was nothing of the sort, and he was never more certain of that than right then. He enjoyed the slight pink tinge that appeared on her cheeks after his compliment.
The elf brushed his thumb across her lips, and Hawke’s eyes fluttered shut at the touch. Her sharp intake of breath was more arousing than he’d expected, and he told himself to be patient. Even if it had been three years, he was determined to take his time tonight. He’d spent that time wishing he’d paid her more attention, wishing he’d taken time to learn and memorize her body, and he wasn’t going to waste the chance he had now.
The hand on her face slid down while the other came up, brushing the bare skin of her throat as his fingers found the laces of her tunic.
“It is not wise to go out at night with no armor,” he said, lecturing her even as he tugged at the laces by her neck. “Even in Hightown.” He couldn’t say he minded much at the moment, considering the tunic and tight trousers would be much easier to remove.
“I brought my knives,” Hawke reminded him, her breath hitching as his fingers brushed her bare skin again. “And you know I can stay hidden when I need to.”
Fenris snorted. “Which is why you’ve never been attacked at night before, I presume.”
“Well, I had a wonderfully talented warrior with a sword as big as himself to help watch my back those times,” Hawke replied cheekily, and Fenris gave a short laugh.
The elf’s deft fingers finished untying the laces holding the tunic together, and his hands trailed down to the hem, grabbing it and dragging it up and over Hawke’s head. She wore no breast band – she’d confessed last time they did this that she didn’t like them and they made her itch, so he was unsurprised. Hawke was beautiful, to him – perhaps not in a traditional sense, but he found her gorgeous. He’d thought of her often since their night together, but nothing he conjured in his memory compared to what he saw in front of him now.
“Beautiful,” Fenris murmured, tossing the tunic to the floor and looking into her eyes.
She smiled, pleased, and he found himself drawn to the way the corners of her eyes crinkled when she did that. He leaned in to kiss her softly, his hands finding the edge of her trousers and pushing them down with her smallclothes. She kicked them off and he broke the kiss, taking a step back to look at her fully.
“Are you going to stare at me all night, or do I get to see you, too?” Hawke spoke up teasingly.
He smirked at her, laughing a little.
“You are lovely,” Fenris said simply. “I’ve missed you, Hawke.”
She grinned at him. “I’ve missed you, too,” she murmured.
Stepping toward him, she began to pull at his own tunic – grateful he wasn’t wearing his spiky armor – and soon had him as naked as she was.
“Still doing all right?” Hawke asked hesitantly.
He smiled reassuringly. “I am fine, Hawke,” he promised her. “You needn’t worry about me.”
“I just want to be sure,” Hawke replied, pressing a gentle kiss to his shoulder. “I don’t ever want to make you feel like you have to run away again.”
Moved by her sincere caring, wanting to make sure she knew everything was okay, Fenris pressed his hand against her cheek and guided her lips to his, kissing her hard.
She walked him backwards the rest of the way to the bed, and he pulled her down with him when his knees hit it.
“No,” Hawke breathed against Fenris’ lips as her body covered his, and she struggled to move. He let her, hurt flooding him; had she changed her mind so suddenly?
“What’s the matter?” Fenris asked softly. Could he have possibly ruined this? Was fate so cruel?
But Hawke smiled at him as she lay beside him.
“I will not tower over you as though I own you,” she murmured, stroking his cheek reassuringly. “I want you to go at your own pace, Fenris. I want you to do what you wish.”
He stared at her, barely comprehending.
“You…don’t wish to stop this?” he asked hesitantly.
“Maker, no,” Hawke breathed out a laugh. “I’ve wanted this for three years, sweetheart. I want this, Fenris,” she added sincerely. “I want you. Don’t doubt that.”
His chest flooded with emotion at her proclamation, and his lips were on hers in the blink of an eye.
Hawke pressed against him, letting him devour her, wanting him to know she meant it; she wanted him to be in charge, to go as far as he wanted and no more. She wouldn’t lose him for another three years.
Fenris slid his lips to her jaw, kissing along her chin and down to her neck. He felt the vibration as she whimpered softly, her hand coming up to his head to encourage his actions. Emboldened by this, the elf kissed his way down her throat, nipping gently at her collarbone.
“Fenris,” she breathed. “Maker…” She couldn’t suppress a shiver as his hands slid over her skin, touching her so gently, everywhere at once. It felt amazing. “Oh!” she cried, jerking in surprise when his fingers found her nipple, and he squeezed it gently. “Yes…”
Enjoying her response, Fenris let his kisses drift down to her chest, taking the other nipple between his lips and sucking it softly. Her fingers clenched in his hair as a low moan escaped her throat. Fenris flicked his tongue over the hardened peak, taking it in his teeth and biting down with slight pressure a moment later.
“Fenris!” she shouted, and he was afraid for the briefest moment that he’d hurt her, but her breathless pant of “more” a second later told him she was loving it. Obeying her request, he slid his tongue around her nipple once before surrounding it with his teeth and biting down a bit harder. Her groan of pleasure went straight to his groin.
“I dreamt of this,” Fenris breathed, allowing his lips to brush the sensitive flesh as he spoke, but tilting his head so he could look up to her face. “Dreamt of you, how you taste, how you feel beneath my fingers.” He punctuated the last word with a squeeze of her other nipple, causing her to twitch beside him and let out a soft “oh”.
“And do I match your dreams?” Hawke asked, her voice breathy and shaking.
Fenris chuckled, pressing a soft kiss to her breast.
“You surpass even my dreams, Hawke,” he informed her. “Neither memory nor imagination comes close to this.” He let out a soft sigh, aware he sounded rather sappy but not caring much.
“I’m here, Fenris,” Hawke said, the fingers that had been clutching his hair turning gentle. She stroked his head softly. “Right here.”
“And thank the Maker for that,” Fenris said, his low voice nearly a growl as he moved again, bringing his lips to hers and kissing her hard. He left her breathless when he pulled away, resuming his journey down her body with his lips and tongue.
He pushed her shoulder gently, rolling her onto her back before settling between her legs. He felt her writhe as he caressed, licked, and nipped his way across her body, memorizing every bit of skin. She jerked as he hit an especially sensitive spot just above her hip with his fingers, and he delightedly moved to kiss that, too.
“Fenris,” Hawke giggled, trying to push him away. “You’re tickling.”
“And I very much like the way you move when I do,” Fenris smirked, lightly feathering his tongue along the sensitive spot so she continued to squirm.
“That isn’t fa-ooohhhh,” she was cut off in a moan as he placed an open-mouthed kiss to the patch of skin that was so sensitive, one hand sliding up to her breast once more to gently caress before squeezing a nipple again, hard. “Fffen…”
Grinning, pleased with himself, he pressed a more gentle kiss to the sensitive spot before moving on, bringing his hand back toward him, sliding his fingertips softly against her skin. His lips and fingers found their way across her waist, his teeth leaving a sharp nip at her hip when he reached that point.
“You’re going to tease me to death,” Hawke breathed, her voice unfocused.
“I believe you’ll be fine,” Fenris assured her with another low chuckle, kissing down toward her thigh. His fingertips brushed her slit but went no farther, causing her to twist beneath him in frustration.
“Fenris!” she objected as his fingers slid away toward her other thigh, not giving her the touch she so wanted. “Damn you.”
“I know you’re hardly a patient woman, Hawke,” Fenris smiled, pulling back to look at her as his fingers stroked the sensitive skin of her inner thigh, “but I intend to kiss every inch of your skin. So you’ll have to put up with me.”
Hawke huffed, impatient but intrigued.
“Well you can do that anytime,” she said. “Right now, there are a couple particular inches that would very much like your attention.”
Fenris laughed. “I’m aware,” he said. “I’ll get to them.”
“You’ll drive me mad, is what,” Hawke chastised, though the effect was lost entirely in how breathy and needy her voice was as she said it.
“Perhaps,” Fenris smirked. “But I did not take the opportunity last time. I won’t make that mistake again.”
Hawke’s heated expression softened into a smile as she stroked her fingers through his white hair again.
“Alright, then,” she acquiesced. “But you know, Fenris…you have all the time you’d like, if you want it. It’s not as though I plan to leave after tonight.”
He paused, taking in her faintly flushed skin and gentle smile, her beauty spread out before him. Admittedly, the reassurance was welcome.
“Then I’ll have plenty of chances to do this again,” Fenris said, pleased. “And again, and again…” He laughed as Hawke groaned in frustration.
“Get on with it, you tease,” she instructed, and he obeyed.
Lips followed tips of fingers as he made his way down her left leg, stopping to tickle the sensitive skin behind her knee until she was panting, then moving on. Her breathy moans combined with the occasional curse when he wasn’t going fast enough for her tastes were intoxicating, but nothing moreso than when she moaned his name. If there was one sound in the world he’d choose to hear forever, it’d be that.
He had to stop again as he reached her foot, nearly getting kicked in the face as he gently rubbed her arch.
Hawke reddened, pulling in on herself a little.
“Sorry,” she offered after he’d ducked out of the way. “Probably best to leave those be. I…can’t help it.”
“Understood,” Fenris said with a soft chuckle, squeezing her calf gently to let her know all was forgiven. “I’ll remember…for next time.” He blushed slightly at that, at the implication of a ‘next time’, of the idea that there would be one, and she simply smiled in return.
Leaving her right foot be so as not to risk injury again, he began this time at her ankle, making his way up her right leg in much the same way he’d gone down her left. The back of her knee proved sensitive again, eliciting a breathy laugh and a bit more squirming as he slid his tongue along the crease of skin.
The farther up her leg his lips touched, the faster Hawke’s breathing became, until she was nearly panting when he kissed the soft skin inside her thigh.
“Fenris, please,” she begged, unwilling to keep waiting. The tone of her voice left him little room for debating, hardening him further. He wanted to do anything, anything at all to keep her happy, to make her continue with those sounds.
“I… have never actually done this before,” Fenris admitted, pulling back slightly before moving on.
“That’s alright,” Hawke assured him. “I can tell you what to do, if you like. But… so far, you don’t seem to need instruction,” she added with a breathless smile. He smiled back, reassured.
Fenris pressed a kiss to the join between her thigh and her torso, causing her to squirm – “it tickles,” she accused again. He made the same movement on the other side, before leaning in and placing the gentlest of kisses right on her center, prompting an anticipatory “oh” from her before he’d even done anything else.
Acting purely on instinct, on what he wanted to do, Fenris then moved his tongue and gave a long, slow lick along her slit. He was actually surprised when Hawke moaned – a longer, lower sound than he’d ever heard from her. He glanced up to see her hands fisted in the bedding, her face the picture of pleasure.
He didn’t want to keep teasing her; he couldn’t. He needed her, he needed to please her, right now. He brought his hands up to spread her lips apart, gentle as ever, and then proceeded to give her a long, slow kiss right on the bundle of nerves that he knew made her feel so good.
“Fenris!” she nearly screamed, reaching for him and tugging his hair, seemingly unable to help herself.
He smiled against her skin, putting a hand up to disentangle hers from his hair. He knew she didn’t mean anything by it, but it was unpleasant for him; as much as he hated to make her stop anything right now, he knew better than to push his own limits.
“Sor- I – Sorry,” Hawke panted, loosening her grip and letting her hand fall back to her side. “I didn’t mean – Maker, Fenris,” she breathed.
“That’s alright,” he murmured against her, stroking a hand up her inner thigh. He then flicked his tongue against the bundle of nerves, making her squirm on the bed.
She was calling out to him now, incoherent strings of words leaving her mouth along with soft pants and low moans. He kissed her again, this time bringing a hand up to gently press a finger into her as well. She gave a little half-sob, half-growl as he did so, and he was sure her hands were fisted in the bedclothes again.
“More, Fenris, more, please,” Hawke babbled, writhing on the bed.
He added another finger, stroking his tongue over the sensitive bundle of nerves again and again until she was bucking up into his face. He was covered in her wetness now, but rather than deter him it only served to make him want to give her more, please her beyond anything.
“Faster,” Hawke panted at once, her voice turning needy. “Faster, please, Fenris, Maker… yes, just like that,” she said, and reached down to gently stroke his head this time before moving her hand away, lest she give into temptation and pull at his hair. He kept up his ministrations, giving her everything she asked for, and finally she went rigid as she all but screamed out his name.
Fenris continued to lick her, softer and softer, as he pulled his fingers away and rested them on her thigh while she came down. He could feel her breathing heavily, and she felt all but boneless up above his head. With one final, gentle lap at her center, he pulled away, grinning up at her.
Her eyes were closed, her mouth open as she fought for her breath, and she looked the very picture of sated. He’d been right about the hands; one was currently entangled in the blanket entirely, and he could see the marks from where the other had been clenched tight.
“Oh, Fenris,” she murmured, opening her eyes and glancing down at him. She laughed upon seeing him.
“What’s so funny?” he asked, still grinning.
“You just look so smug,” she said, beckoning him toward her. He gladly moved up beside her, trailing his fingers over her soft skin.
“Should I not?” he asked mischievously.
“No, you definitely deserve it,” she agreed, kissing him softly. “Are you sure you’ve never done that?”
“Yes, I’m sure,” he chuckled. “But thank you.”
“Thank you,” Hawke replied, bringing a hand up to gently caress his hair. “Sorry about that, by the way,” she added, petting the area of his head she’d grabbed onto. “Couldn’t help it.”
“I assumed as much,” Fenris replied. “It’s fine.”
“Oh, Fen,” Hawke smiled, cupping his cheek and pulling him in for another kiss. “You’re wonderful, do you know that?”
“Have I shown you how amazing you are now?” Fenris asked in return, smirking at her. “Do you believe me?”
“I don’t know,” she grinned. “I may need more convincing…”
He cut her off with a hard kiss, unable to stop himself pressing his length against her leg for just the bit of friction it offered. She groaned into the kiss, her hand moving and finding his cock, giving it a small stroke with her fingertips.
Fenris’ entire body twitched at the sensation it caused in him.
“Sorry,” Hawke giggled. “Did I surprise you?”
“No – it just – venhedis,” he cursed as she wrapped her fingers around him. “Hawke, I – I need you.”
“I’m right here,” she cooed gently in his ear, making him shiver. “Shall I return the favor?”
“No,” Fenris insisted. “I need – want – stop it, would you?” he said, stilling her stroking hand with his. “I can’t think with you doing that.”
“You’re not supposed to be thinking,” Hawke laughed. “It’s supposed to feel good. But what is it, Fen? What do you want?”
“I want to be inside you tonight,” he explained, letting out a shaky breath now that he could form words again. “I – you don’t know how much I missed you.”
“Oh, I think I do,” Hawke said softly, kissing him once more. She began stroking his cock again, gently. “This okay?”
“Yessss,” Fenris hissed, thrusting his hips against her grip. “Very – very much okay.”
He relaxed into the feeling of her stroking him, laying back on the bed to simply enjoy the feeling of her hand, her thumb coming up to swipe the tip of his cock every couple of strokes, the gentle squeeze she gave him after. It wasn’t long, however, before he had to stop her.
“I’ll never last if you keep that up,” he informed her, stilling her hand again.
He had to admit, he was a little anxious about this next part; this had been what brought his memories back last time, what had caused him to run away. But he was determined he wouldn’t do that this time – whatever it took. Some of his anxiety must’ve shown on his face, because Hawke removed her hand from his length and used it to stroke his cheek instead.
“As fast or slow as you need, Fenris,” she reminded him softly. “Whatever you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
With that reassurance, he couldn’t hold himself back anymore. He crawled on top of her, savoring the feeling of having her beneath him for a moment.
“Are you sure?” he asked, somehow still doubtful. Hawke simply beamed at him.
“I’m sure,” she whispered, pulling his head down to kiss him. He pulled his hips back enough that he could line up, and then thrust inside of her, as gently as he could manage in the state he was in.
She gasped with pleasure, pulling him tightly to her. His tongue pushed into her mouth, hers sliding along it as he slowly, slowly entered her, savoring every second of the feeling. She was hot around him, so hot he thought he would burn away into nothing; she was slick from her earlier release, and it made it hard to make it last.
When he was seated all the way inside her, he pulled his head away, looking down at her.
“Hawke,” he murmured, and she would later swear she heard “I love you” in the way he said her name, so simple.
“Fenris,” she replied, squeezing him gently with her arms around his back, pouring just as much love into his name.
He moved then, sliding back out of her almost all the way, sliding back into her until he was hilted inside.
“Maker, Fenris,” Hawke panted, moving her hand to stroke herself as he thrust into her. “I missed you so much.”
She tried to keep the tears out of her voice even as they gathered in her eyes, but she wasn’t sure she was successful.
Fenris leaned down and kissed them away, one hand cupping her cheek as he rested on an elbow.
“I missed you, too,” he breathed.
He picked up the pace then, and so did she, both impatient now and working toward a moment that was three years overdue. Their pants and groans mixed and became one long sound as he thrust harder into her, unable to stop himself. It felt so good, the moans from her sounded so incredible, and then she was coming around him; her muscles clenched and he felt the tightness grow around his length, and then he was over his own edge, thrusting beyond his control as she screamed his name again.
Finally spent, Fenris leaned down onto her, pressing his forehead against hers.
“Hawke,” he said, the same loving tone in his voice again. “Thank you for coming back to me.”
“It was never in doubt,” Hawke assured him, squeezing him tightly to her.
They lay there like that until Fenris couldn’t hold himself up at all anymore and flopped over beside Hawke, her arm still around him.
“How… how are you feeling?” Hawke asked after a little while. She realized he hadn’t gotten up or moved, or even spoken yet, and she couldn’t help being a little worried.
“I am fine,” Fenris said, turning his head to look at her. “I am here… and I am fine.”
“Thank the Maker,” Hawke murmured, kissing the top of his head. “Fen… I love you.” He was quiet for a few minutes, and she was afraid perhaps he didn’t feel the same.
“I am yours,” Fenris finally whispered, clinging close to her side. The words weren’t the same, but the meaning was quite clear. She’d take it.