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“Come with me.”
Bucky refused to go inside the house to join the others, spending his time here wandering around the edges of the lake. It was a beautiful place, and he understood why Stark picked this for his retirement home, but everything about being here made him uncomfortable. The man should have had more time to live his life, more time with his daughter, more of everything.
He didn’t want to come, but Pepper Potts invited him. He thought it was a strange thing for her to do but she had her reasons, and they were good ones. Considering the situation, it would be wrong to turn her down, Bucky never blamed Stark for anything and was sorry he never had the chance to tell him. Now he was waiting for the Wakandan contingent to finish with the formalities and so he could return home, so here he was, with Steve, with his friends and his sometimes enemies.
Home. The place where he found healing and forgiveness, far away from this world and its turmoil. He’d been part of the conflict for way too long and it was time for him to stop. He’d answered the call to arms because they had invaded his home, but now he was content to let someone else fight the good fight.
Steve found him and castigated him for hiding himself away. The distant past was just that, distant, no one held grudges anymore. The world had moved on. Steve told him everything, of the long five years, of the turmoil and grief that shook the world, and the almost equally traumatic restoration, and about his incredible journey to the past. Now he was here with an equally incredible proposition.
“I can’t believe you’re seriously thinking about this,” Bucky said, sitting down on a bench.
“Everything will be brand new,” Steve said, joining him. “We can start over. We can live quietly, as private citizens, if you want… It’s where we belong. We shouldn't even be here.”
“And just leave Sam. That wouldn’t be fair.”
“Since when did you start caring about Sam?”
“Since when did you stop?”
"Bucky, for once, I want to do something for me. I’ve been giving and giving and to be honest, I’m tired. Maybe I’m just finally feeling my age. Ever since we went back… and I saw her again and I realized I could make it happen, I can’t stop thinking about it. I want to get back what I lost, what they took from me, from us, and I want you with me. Tony said I should try to get some of that life for myself, and he's not here to enjoy his and that was a wake-up call for me, to grab it while I can...maybe it's selfish but..."
“I understand that. Me going back to Wakanda is selfish. I get that. If anyone deserves a break, it’s you but I have to tell you that when I was with Hydra, they talked about stuff like this. I don’t know if they ever tried anything, but there are too many problems. Paradoxes. I know the world won’t explode if we run into each other, but won’t we still be there, the other us, just different?”
“We can avoid that, I’ve thought it all out, there are ways around it, but don’t worry about that, just think about the chance to live the life we were supposed to live…” he said. It was a compelling argument, and it was very tempting to walk away and leave all this behind, to return to what was familiar, but a harsh reality sunk in. Steve hadn't thought things through.
“I can’t Steve.”
“We won’t be gone for long, just a few seconds. We’ll come right back.”
“But we will have lived a lifetime there. We won’t be the same.”
“Maybe we’ll be… better for it.”
Bucky sighed and walked over to the lake bank to stare at the still waters. Tony Stark’s original arc reactor was still floating in the distance, following the ripples of the current.
“It would be nice to see everyone again, everyone that matters, but you know who else will be there?” Buck asked. Steve joined him. Over at the cabin, people were leaving the house. They watched Sam walk down to join Wanda and Cliff by the pier. Bucky turned to face Steve so he could look him in the eyes. It was important there be no misunderstanding.
“Howard. Howard and Maria Stark. He was the reason you were able to rescue me. I remember feeling grateful that a man like that, in his position, took the time to do what he did because I was your friend. He remembered me, after all those years, even when I looked different he remembered. I never knew her, but she seemed like a nice woman. Maybe Tony wouldn’t have had as many problems if she’d lived. Maybe he’d be alive right now if I hadn’t split the two of you up…”
“Buck, my problems with Tony started way before you showed up. Maybe, a split was inevitable, I don’t know, we were constantly butting heads, and for the last time, that wasn’t you. You can’t blame yourself for Tony’s problems or for any of this. Hydra…”
“I know, but that doesn’t matter. None of that matters. I still did it. I can’t go back and pretend it never happened. I’ll think of it all the time, every time I see him, carry it with me like a weight. No matter what we do, or where we go, it can't be undone, and I'm not having my memory wiped again. I can’t do it, Steve, I can’t go back there with that hanging over my head, with him there, living his life, knowing what I know, and not just him. I could see everyone I've hurt, living a good life there, but remembering what I took from them here. I can't do it. If you want to go, go. You’ve… done so much for me, I wouldn’t be here now, in my right mind if it wasn’t for you, so if you’re asking for my permission, go, do what’s best for you. This is me, being grateful, letting you go, but I have a lot more healing to do in the here and now.”
Steve reached down to pick up a pebble and skipped it across the lake, making ripples that expanded outward. Tony Stark’s memorial bobbed with the gentle waves. “I’ll be honest. I never thought about what it would be like, from your point of view.” A long silence followed. “That’s your final word?”
‘Yes. Are you going to tell Sam?” Bucky asked.
“I have something else in mind for Sam, but I needed to run it by you first…”
“I know what it is, and yes.”
“That was quick.”
“I’m a man of few words. It pains me to say it, but he's a good man. He's loyal to you, and what you stand for. It's his. I just want to go home and rest. I wish you were coming with me, but I’ve already gotten more than I ever thought I would, more than I deserved, so you rest in your way, I’ll rest in mine.”
“If things go the way they’re supposed to, I’ll be right back.”
“Or you might lose yourself in the past.”
"I’ll do my damndest to come back, but if I don’t, can you and Sam find a way to get along? He might need your help."
Bucky said nothing but stared across the lake, the sun’s rays extending out across the water. For the first time in days, he smiled.
“No promises, but I’ll try.”