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When Jeongguk wakes up, he is warm.
White sheets blur in the face of his sleepiness, and he blinks slowly, eyelids heavy from the pull of lingering dreams; they reach for him with gentle hands, beckoning – but he smiles, waving goodbye, and watches them slip away.
The bed is empty.
Jeongguk frowns, hand weakly skimming over the bedsheets, fingers tickled by white, as if reaching out might make Jimin or Taehyung appear.
(It doesn’t).
He sighs.
Suddenly, he’s sitting up, tiredness all but forgotten; then, he’s walking, feet moving but not feeling; next, he’s rounding the corner to the kitchen –
There they are.
A smile seeps onto Jeongguk’s face, appearing slowly and taking no time at all to form. Jimin and Taehyung stand in front of him, doing something, Jeongguk is sure of it, although he doesn’t quite know what it is. He simply knows that they are there, and he is here, and here they all are, isn’t that nice–?
He’s next to them, now – behind them. They are facing away from him. He doesn’t want them to be facing away from him – so, they aren’t, anymore.
Jeongguk is still smiling.
Jimin and Taehyung aren’t.
“What are you doing here?” Taehyung asks.
Jeongguk’s smile widens. Taehyungie hyung is silly sometimes. Why wouldn’t Jeongguk be here? Here is where Jimin and Taehyung are, so that’s where Jeongguk will be. He tells them exactly that.
Then, they start to laugh.
"I see what’s happening here,” Jimin giggles, casting a conspiratorial glance at Taehyung. Taehyung laughs harder.
Jeongguk is no longer smiling.
Jimin and Taehyung’s faces seem – different, somehow, but at the same time, exactly the same. It makes Jeongguk feel uneasy, and then, suddenly, he’s frustrated, too, because why is he feeling this way? There’s no need. He’s with Jimin and Taehyung. Nothing bad will happen to him. This, he’s sure of.
(Is he?)
Jeongguk tilts his head. “Did you both get a haircut, hyungs?”
The pause that follows lasts three seconds, and weeks pass as Jimin and Taehyung’s expressions freeze, before laughter bursts from between their lips once again. Smiling is a distant memory as Jeongguk feels something unpleasant, both in Jimin and Taehyung’s expressions, and bubbling up inside his own throat.
"Did you hear that?” Jimin wheezes, and Taehyung nods, tears of mirth spilling down his face. They are gold, because Taehyung is beautiful, and so is Jimin, who is crying tears of silver.
Jeongguk just wants to know what’s so funny.
“Hyungs –”
"Hey, Jeongguk, how about,” Taehyung hiccups, and suddenly he’s miles away, out of Jeongguk’s reach, “how about you just stop talking?”
“Oh, I agree,” Jimin hums, face glimmering silver. He isn’t laughing anymore. “We’ve been trying to tell you, but you never listen, do you?”
Their voices echo. They are a broken record that batters at Jeongguk’s ears, screaming LET ME IN and he does; of course he does, because it’s Jimin and Taehyung, and he loves them, and he will always let them in no matter what –
But they won’t do the same for him, because they’re laughing again, bending grotesquely at the waist as they gasp for breath, bathing in gold and silver –
It’s Jeongguk they’re laughing at, he knows this, he knows, and he feels tears of his own on his face – no idea how they got there, no idea – and somehow, he knows his own tears are grey, and dark, and white, and colourless and all these things but not silver or gold, not like Jimin and Taehyung –
He can see them, now – they’re holding hands, faces streaked with precious metals as they stare, faces impassive, mirth long forgotten. They tell him –
Just stop talking
We don’t want to hear it
We don’t want to listen
We don’t want you
And all Jeongguk can think is –
They are so, so beautiful.
When Jeongguk wakes up, he is frozen solid.
Immediately, he can tell that this is different from before – that dreamlike haze has lifted from his mind; instead of white noise in his ears, there is silence – no, not silence, but almost –
Jimin and Taehyung. They’re here too, and the sound of their breathing seeps gently into the air above Jeongguk, nudging away the silence. Usually, Jeongguk finds this comforting. But today –
Today, he can’t breathe.
He gasps, throat closing in on itself. That veil of sleep so recently present may have lifted, but the emotions coursing through him from just minutes ago remain. He sobs, any restraint that he may have had in his usual state gone, his body sleep-ridden and vulnerable. Turning his head, he sees Jimin and Taehyung, there, on the bed next to him; Taehyung is facing away from him, limbs curled tightly around Jimin’s body. Jimin’s face is content, where it’s pressed into the pillow, chin resting gently atop Taehyung’s head. Their bodies may be separate, but in the dark, Jeongguk’s eyesight clouded by tears, they are one. Jeongguk’s eyes flick down – to the gap between him –
And them.
And then he’s sobbing, cries making their painstaking way up his throat, clawing and scratching as they emerge into the still air. The sound is – inhuman, almost, a stark contrast with Jimin and Taehyung’s soft breathing. And that – that’s just it, isn’t it, Jeongguk thinks, body curling up small, shivering and shaking. That’s how it is – it’s Jeongguk by himself, and then Jimin and Taehyung together; they fit together perfectly, filling in each other’s missing pieces effortlessly whilst Jeongguk latches onto the edge of the puzzle, trying desperately to make himself fit.
Vaguely, Jeongguk is aware of muffled voices; first, slow and confused, and then, suddenly, frantic. He thinks somebody might be touching him – hands on his waist? Shoulders? Face? – but he isn’t sure, he doesn’t know, all he knows is Jimin Taehyung together alone don’t need me don’t want me –
“Jeongguk!”
His eyes shoot open – when did they close? – and his vision is blurry but he can make out figures through sleep-ridden haziness and tears. He sobs again. Great, now he’s disturbing Jimin and Taehyung’s sleep too: lingering guilt and unshakable feelings of worthlessness and insecurity simmer inside him, and all he wants, for their sake, is to be gone, to be nothing –
But he can’t. He will always be selfish when it comes to Jimin and Taehyung.
“Please don’t leave,” He sobs, sniffing unattractively. “Please don’t – please –”
Jeongguk latches onto the first thing he can reach – soft material – pillowcase? T-shirt? Sleeve? He blinks, suddenly needing to see them – and, as his vision clears of tears, the rushing in his ears that he hadn’t even noticed was present recedes. Jimin is there, in front of him, face streaked with tears of his own. For a moment, Jeongguk wonders why they aren’t shimmering silver.
“Jeongguk? Sweetheart?” Jimin says, eyes lighting up as Jeongguk’s own focus. “Baby, what is it? What’s wrong? Please tell us – are you hurt? Where does it hurt, sweetheart, please –”
He’s suddenly aware of a weight across his back, and blinks slowly, breath still hitching as he turns his head to see Taehyung plastered to him. His face, too, is wet with tears – normal, ordinary, transparent tears.
“Jeongguk?” He says, voice weak. “Can you say something? Please?”
Seconds pass. The very air around them pauses, stock still. Then –
“Let me get you a tissue, baby –”
“No!”
Jeongguk breathes hard, hand curled tightly around Jimin’s sleeve. Jimin was going to move; he was going to leave – Jeongguk’s grip loosens, bottom lip trembling as helpless tears leak from his eyes once again – of course he was going to leave, he was always going to leave –
“Okay, alright, no tissues, I got it, darling, it’s okay,” Jimin murmurs hastily, wide worried eyes darting over Jeongguk’s face as if, maybe, there he’ll find the source of his sorrow. Jeongguk stares, uncontrollable little cries shaking his chest and emerging as pitiful whimpers as he reaches down, grabbing onto Taehyung’s arm where it’s wrapped around his waist, the other still clutching Jimin’s sleeve.
“Don’t leave,” He whispers, voice small. “Please don’t leave.”
“Never,” Taehyung says from behind him, voice muffled in his shoulder, as Jimin shakes his head and tells him “of course not, baby, of course I won’t leave, we won’t leave.”
Jeongguk sniffs loudly. “Promise?”
Jimin’s eyes soften. Taehyung tightens his grip.
“Promise,” They tell him.
And then, suddenly, he’s crying for a completely different reason: because, although no matter what he does, or how many times Jimin and Taehyung tell him he’s wrong, he will always, to some extent, believe that he does not deserve them, in this moment, with Jimin wiping away his tears even though they don’t stop; with Taehyung crushing him to his chest and crying quietly with him, perhaps –
Perhaps he believes them. Perhaps he believes them when they tell him –
“Jeongguk, sweetheart, I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” Jeongguk chokes out on a shuddering breath. Jimin sighs, and lays down in front of him; buries a hand in his hair and it’s with his endlessly patient gaze and Taehyung’s unyielding touch, that Jeongguk finally manages to calm his breathing.
A little while later – ten minutes, perhaps – Jeongguk tells them, voice quiet.
“It was a nightmare.”
Taehyung presses a kiss to his neck. Jimin stays silent, eyes encouraging.
“I – you were both there. I was happy at first, and then – I wasn’t.”
Jeongguk furrows his eyebrows, unable to put into words the sinking feeling of being so obviously unwanted – and, worse yet, the devastating knowledge that it’s something that he had suspected all along; only, he never had the courage address it.
“You were – you guys were so mean,” Jeongguk continues, and Taehyung stiffens behind him; Jeongguk sees Jimin’s eyes widen. He looks – he looks devastated, and so, so guilty, as if he feels responsible for something he had only done in a dream.
“Jeongguk, have we … I swear, I never meant to … did I –?”
“No, no, of course not, hyung, you – I know neither of you would ever have said those things in real life.”
Taehyung relaxes. The guilt fades from Jimin’s eyes.
“It was more like – like –” Jeongguk pauses. “Like … you were saying the things I’m scared of. The things I’m scared that you’re thinking but not saying because you don’t want to hurt me. Because you’re too nice for that.”
“Baby…” Jimin says, voice so pained Jeongguk feels it himself. Taehyung sniffs loudly, face still buried in Jeongguk’s shoulder.
“Baby, we love you. So, so much,” Jimin begins, Taehyung unhesitatingly echoing “so much,” voice muffled. “So much it hurts, sometimes. I look at you, and I think – I think, how the hell did I get so lucky? How did I get so lucky, to have this wonderful little cutie, mine to hold and kiss and cuddle and cherish –”
“Oh my god, hyung,” Jeongguk giggles, as Jimin gathers him close, pressing wet kisses all over his face, eventually landing on his lips; time slows, and Jeongguk sighs as Jimin kisses him slowly, and with so, so much love.
“My turn,” Taehyung says, just a little whiny, and Jeongguk smiles, turning his head to kiss Taehyung, too.
“Love you,” Taehyung whispers, when Jeongguk has turned back around and he’s tucked into Jimin’s chest, safe and warm.
“Love you,” Jimin echoes, and Jeongguk hears him kiss Taehyung above Jeongguk’s head.
The night is still, for a moment.
“Promise?” Jeongguk mumbles, on the edge of sleep.
“Promise.” He hears, as he joins hands with dreams once again.