Chapter Text
"Aren't you going to tell me a bedtime story?" Peyton asked her father.
"What do you like? Let's see....How about the 12 labors of Hercules?"
"Okay."
"The first of the labors was for Hercules to kill the Detroi-, no the Nemean Lion.
The next was to kill the Miami Dolph-, I mean the Lernaean Hydra. Hercules found that when he stiffarmed one of its heads, two more would grow in its place. But, in the end, Hercules burned every head of that hydra.
The next labor was to capture the Washington Red-, er, Hogs [1], I mean the Erymanthian Boar. That boar was nasty, but Hercules just wore him out. He corralled that pigskin and took it all the way home.
The next one was the Colts of Indianap - or no, it was the Stag of Artemis. That stag wasn't dangerous, but it was fast. That didn't matter because Hercules was faster.
The next one was the Philadelphia Eag-, or no, the Stymphalian Birds. Those birds clawed and scratched just about every one, but Hercules stretched his bow, flung his arrows, and shot those birds down.
The next labor was to clean out the Green Bay Pack...or no, the Augean Stables. There was old cheese all over those stables, but Hercules discouraged them. Before you could say Omaha five times, that old cheese had walked on its own out to the parking lot.
The next labor was against the Buffalo Bill-I mean the Cretan Bull. Hercules picked up that bull and tossed him to the ground. That bull was no problem at all.
The next labor was to steal the girdle of Hippolyta. You see, "hippos" is Greek for "horse," and "Hippolyta" is "she who unbridles the horses." So Hercules had to sneak into the the cheerleaders', I mean Hippolyta's dressing room and steal Hippolyta's girdle.
The next labor was to round up the cattle of Jerry Jone-er, rather, the Cattle of Geryon. That Geryon was one nasty fellow. But Hercules showed up at the ranch and led those cattle away.
The next labor was to round up the Mares of Denver, or Diomedes rather. They were once called the Bronco Belles, and then the Pony Express, then just the Bronco cheerleaders after that. Well, they're paid next to nothing, so it was actually easy for Hercules to get them to...defect.
The next labor was to capture the Golden Apples. There was actually one apple in particular. It was guarded by Giants on one side and the spruce goose on the other. But Hercules snatched that apple away.
The 12th labor was pitted Hercules against the Cleveland Brow- or no, the dawg pow-, or no, Cerberus. Yes, Cerberus was a rowdy dog with three heads that guarded the gates of hell. Hercules shut that dog up and completed the 12 labors.