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Song Yijin didn’t know it then but he was already being recruited.
As he sat there tinkering away with the piano, lost in his own rendition of Sam Smith’s I’m Not the Only One he had already been recruited.
In a separate building from where he was, two men talked in hushed tones as if they were sharing a secret. But really, they were just awed.
“That boy.”
The man whom Yijin was going to know soon as Producer Wang said, his eyes not leaving the screen of the Ipad that was currently projecting Yijin’s performance. Principal Kim briefly glanced at the other man.
Producer Wang didn’t realize it then but he was smiling, his foot lightly tapping along to the beat.
As expected, Principal Kim thought to himself. Song Yijin can really bring that out; emotions in a stoic person. And of course Principal Kim prided in himself at that, that such a talented singer was a product of this school, was honed in this very halls.
“I want him as main vocalist. He’s perfect.”
At first Mr. Kim had his doubts. They were going to put this 16 year old boy with such powerful vocals it can tear down the roof, in a hip-hop group? That was a waste of his talent. But when he fully heard of the concept Mr. Wang and his company planned for them it had seemed like a good fit. Song Yijin’s vocals would perfectly balance the rough tones of his teammates.
When the performance ended, Yijin immediately rose to his feet and bowed. The applause and cheers that followed were so thunderous Mr. Kim resisted the urge to lower the volume.
Mr. Wang still looked on, the twinkle in his eye only growing. When finally Song Yijin left the stage still smiling and waving to the crowd as if he was already a pro did Mr. Wang only put the Ipad down.
“Send that performance to my email. I will forward it to my colleagues.”
“You don’t want to see the other performers Mr. Wang?”
Mr. Wang looked at him as if the very idea was preposterous before shaking his head. “Once I have set my eyes on someone Principal, I do not let them go. Now if you’ll excuse me…”
Mr. Kim turned back to his Ipad but not without keeping a watchful eye on Mr. Wang as he stood by the windows and started to make a call. Though he began to speak in hurried Mandarin Mr. Kim can pretty much guess what Mr. Wang was talking about judging by his excited tone and the animated waves of his hand.
He was still tapping his foot as he ended the call and all Mr. Kim can think of was how Song Yijin was one lucky, lucky boy.
It was a normal school day when news of his recruitment was all Yijin can hear.
He wasn’t one to brag so he didn’t want to admit even to himself that he was sort of popular in this school (though his friends would beg to differ on that) but as the day wore on Yijin has to admit, all these talk and congratulations-thank-you was tiring him out.
It was almost the end of lunch period and Yijin was walking around campus sipping on a carton of banana milk with his friend Dongwoo when they saw Han Wangho standing under a tree quite a few distances from them.
He was talking to a girl but something was off about their posture. Han Wangho was scratching the back of his neck, looking sheepish and apologetic while the girl, whom they suspected was a year younger, bowed profusely. She was clutching a letter in hand and only when she ran away with a pained expression did it fully sunk into Yijin what they had just witnessed.
“Man he sure is quite the heartbreaker, that guy. And I don’t even get a single chocolate during Valentines.” Dongwoo groaned
To Yijin, Han Wangho was like, the big man on campus. Handsome, rich (his father was the CEO of one of the biggest media companies in Korea and they live in a penthouse!) and all around talented at everything, he has always been considered as Yijin’s rival (though Yijin himself thought that Han Wangho is leagues above him) and the number one most likely to become a global superstar.
Gosh, Yijin can’t even make himself to stand next to the guy. Though sometimes it had nothing to do with how popular and talented Wangho is (and everything to do with Yijin’s secret crush on him). Now they watch as Han Wangho looked in the direction the girl just ran to, still rubbing the back of his neck.
“Aish that dude! I’m so jealous of him.” Dongwoo said, slinging an arm on Yijin’s shoulder. “But hey you’re the one recruited by LPL Entertainment not him. We all know he’s going to his dad’s company and who knows how that will even turn out.”
Yijin resisted the urge to pull himself from his friend’s grasp. “I’m sure he’ll be fine. Besides a lot of companies did try to recruit him but they were all turned down.”
“Huh what a daddy’s boy. And oh by the way have you heard the rumor?”
“What rumor?”
Dongwoo leaned closer but not without glancing around the perimeters as if someone might be spying. “That Han Wangho is gay.”
Whatever it was Yijin had been expecting this was definitely not it and never in a thousand years would he have even guessed. His eyes widened as he took in the news.
“No way.” He said just as Dongwoo leaned back, grinning.
“I dunno man those were just stories I heard but it kinda makes sense doesn’t it? Why all those girls who have confessed to him got rejected.”
“W-well maybe he isn’t allowed to date? Like his parents might be strict or something.”
That wasn’t uncommon either in their school. A lot of kids here have “stage parents” and thankfully Yijin’s wasn’t one of them. They were just quietly supporting their son in whatever he wanted. At times Yijin felt lucky but he couldn’t help wondering if his parents would still love him if they knew his secret.
“Huh you’re probably right. But you know a lot of people are suspecting it already.”
And by a lot of people Dongwoo probably meant those who were jealous of Han Wangho. This place was competitive after all and it wasn’t uncommon too for some to use petty rumors to destroy a rival or classmate. Thankfully Yijin hadn’t been a victim of that in all his three years here and he’d never give them a reason to. He was always nice and friendly that was just his nature.
But above all, he was careful.
“Those are just petty gossip. And anyway it’s none of our business we don’t even know him that well. Come on let’s head back inside before the bell rings.”
Yijin leads the way, Dongwoo following closely behind. If he wasn’t deadset on becoming an idol Yijin had always thought grimly, he would make a good actor with all the lying and hiding he’s been doing.
However he did spare one quick glance at Han Wangho before going back inside the building and as he caught sight of that all too familiar caramel brown hair Dongwoo’s words echoed in his head and it took all of Yijin to control his heart from beating too fast.
Of course Yijin hadn’t really done anything about that crush, even as the school year came to an end.
He may have been staring at Han Wangho all the time from afar but Yijin hadn’t really taken the effort to get to know him. Wangho mostly kept to himself too. Sure he had friends but he didn’t strike Yijin as the sociable type and besides what can Yijin even do or say?
He had a feeling the guy viewed him as a rival thanks to the stupid ranking of the school and their peers’ words. But strangely though Yijin didn’t feel bad about it even now as he stood and watched Wangho climb up on stage to take his diploma. It even felt like a personal accomplishment to Yijin, his own sick triumph: that if he was able to hide this part of himself for three years and no one even found out, then he can continue this for a whole lot more.
His career will be safe.
Yijin fought the bile rising in his throat and forced himself to clap instead as Han Wangho bowed.
Not even a month after graduation and Yijin had already been introduced to his would-be teammates and signed a trainee contract with LPL Entertainment one of the leading giants in the music industry. Luck was definitely on his side, for him to have landed here but upon meeting his groupmates he was starting to think that maybe the world just wanted to balance things out a little.
“Oh finally a Korean.”
Those were the first words he heard upon entering the dance studio and it was said by a guy with brown hair whom he was soon going to know as Kang Seung-lok.
Kang Seung-lok was tall and had a friendly aura about him- if he smiled that is. And they were all intimidating. Very intimidating, with the way they stared at him as he entered the room and seemed to scrutinize him up and down.
Yijin had been oriented about these people before. Since they didn’t come from a performing arts school like him they had all started their training earlier and Yijin can tell that they were all close now by the way they sat together and shared subtle nonverbal messages.
They were probably judging him, weighing him- the newest and last addition to their little group. Their main vocalist.
Yijin had never been much pressured while he was at school because he was fairly confident in his talent and he mostly received positive feedback. Hell, he was even one of the top students and Yijin seldom worried about losing his spot there.
But now as he stared back at his new colleagues the pressure in his chest felt like a dam threatening to burst.
Suddenly one of the guys with glasses turned to the group, breaking the heavy, tension filled spell.
And to Yijin’s horror began to speak in an unfamiliar language and fuck, why had he forgotten that three of the members were Chinese?! That was like, the most important part.
Yijin wanted to run away, back to his room and bury his head in a pillow and scream. But then he felt a hand upon his back gently pushing him further inside the room and it was followed by Producer Wang’s voice.
“I see you’ve all met Yijin now. Get to know him you guys because he’s going to be your leader.”
Yijin just didn’t want to scream.
He wanted to die.
Maybe he wasn’t so lucky after all.
Sure Yijin had already expected he has to do a lot of dancing (it was his least favourite class) since he was going to be an idol but he certainly did not expect this.
Not only do the rest of the members turn out to be intimidating they were also freaking dance machines. Apparently they had all done some rapping and dancing before they even auditioned for the company and that was when they were fifteen and sixteen.
Yu Wen-bo their main dancer had joined several dance academies at a young age and won contests (Yijin had looked him up on social media and the amount of medals he had seen were staggering; also he was quite popular online, even had his own Youtube channel where he uploads his dance covers) and everytime Yijin watches him dance he can definitely see why Mr. Wang had put him on center.
The three rappers- Gao Zhen-Ning, Kang Seung-lok and Wang Liu-Yi were apparently pretty famous online too, uploading their own rap covers and even mixtapes (and Yijin wasn’t kidding or being ironic at all when he thought they were fire) and they had even joined talent shows too, with Kang Seung-lok appearing on TV once when he was twelve.
Yijin had already been intimidated by them from the start not just because of the way they look at him but because they all seemed like they had been forged already, had went and put themselves out there while he stayed cooped up in some school.
And he was most intimidated by them whenever they danced. Sure the rest of the guys weren’t as good as Yu Wen-bo but they weren’t certainly as terrible as Yijin. Their leader.
“Um, Yijin?” their choreographer Mr. Bang called out, lowering the music. Yijin closed his eyes, did not want to see the disappointed, complaining looks on the others. That at least lessened the pain he feels despite their groans.
“Do you want to try something else? It seems like you can’t get that part very well.”
The disadvantage of being in a hip-hop group was that they were going to have complicated choreography and sure Yijin may not be the one doing backflips or cartwheeling across the floor but still. The choreo was fucking hard.
“O-okay.” Yijin replies. “Let’s try and make that part simple—“
“Isn’t it unfair?” Wang Liu-Yi said, making Yijin freeze. Out of all the Chinese members Liu-Yi was the scariest; in spite of his short and nerdy appearance, when Liu-Yi rapped it’s like he changes into a different person entirely. And he’s also the least concerned with what others might think of him no matter who they are (Yijin had already seen him butt heads with Producer Wang more than once) and right now Yijin was dreading the words he knew would follow.
“Why do you adjust when it comes to him? Didn’t we all learn the choreo at the same time? Didn’t we all practice hard for it? So why should we change all of a sudden just because he still doesn’t get it and we’ve been going at it for a month now?”
Ouch. He didn’t have to say the last part. Yijin bit his bottom lip. Several words were echoing in his mind right now all concerning him and he liked none of them but he didn’t do anything to stop it. Because he deserved it.
“Now Liu-Yi wouldn’t it be easier for all of us if we just—“
“I said why do we have to adjust because of one person?” Liu-Yi replied meeting their teacher’s gaze head-on and with more ferocity. He even crossed his arms as if he was daring this grown man to come and challenge him. For one second Mr. Bang looked like he was about to scold him but one glance at the others made him lose face.
“I agree with Liu-Yi.” Zhen-Ning added and at this Yijin wasn’t surprised anymore. “It’s not fair to us. I know Yijin isn’t very good with dancing but we’ve all put in our efforts to learn this shouldn’t he put in more effort too?”
This time Yijin did try to speak, clenching his fists to keep them from trembling.
“Look I am trying—“
“You call this trying?” Zhen-Ning replied and Yijin was so taken aback he didn’t know what to say.
He knew he should be insulted, any sane person would but the moment Zhen-Ning cut him off all he could feel was this pang in his heart and the weight he’s been carrying inside him only got heavier. Because he knew Zhen-Ning had a point.
Sure he really was trying but it’s been a month now and he still misses up the steps, still makes the others wait for him…
Yu Wen-bo reached out to touch Zhen-Ning by the arm.
“Ning, zhè jiù gòule…”
And this time the weight finally broke him down.
“Can you please stop speaking mandarin in front of me?!”
Yijin hates it when he gets angry. He specially hates it when he gets angry in front of other people.
Because he hates it when anyone sees him cry. He hates openly showing weakness because he doesn’t want anyone to think he’s too sensitive because that wouldn’t be too manly wouldn’t it and he doesn’t want anyone suspecting…
“It’s like you all want to get away with talking shit in front of my face!”
“Now, now Yijin…” Mr. Bang stepped closer to him and he hated Mr. Bang at that moment too for looking at him like he was a tantrum throwing five year old that needed calming down and for all Yijin knew the company probably told Mr. Bang to treat him with more special care. It’s what all their trainers did.
Without another word Yijin walked away, sniffing. No need to wipe the tears and snot off his face they had all seen anyway. No need to hold his head up high, his dignity had already been broken. No use bothering himself with whatever his high and mighty teammates thought of him now.
Yijin slammed the door behind him and Mr. Bang let out a disapproving sound, shaking his head in dismay. Seung-lok was still staring at the door looking like he wanted to chase after Yijin but decided against it.
Mr. Bang let out a groan as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Alright the rest of you go back to practice. I’ll talk to Yijin later.”
“Why not now?” It’s Zhen-Ning again. “He’s the one who obviously needs more practice. We’ve been doing this for hours---“
“Gao Zhen-Ning!” Mr. Bang cried out finally deciding to use his authority as teacher. “From now on you will watch your words and think before you speak, you hear me? If Producer Wang hears about this disrespect…and same goes for all of you. Have a little bit more empathy.”
And with that the rest of the boys reluctantly return to their original positions and as soon as the music started they all began to dance but everyone knew that deep down their heart wasn’t in it.
Yijin stared out the window, wondering how he should tell his parents.
His room offered a great view of the Han River and right now as the sky started to darken and the lights on the bridge lit up, Yijin thought he had gotten lucky too with the room given to him. But then again this wasn’t enough to make him stay. Nothing ever was.
His parents would understand right? He was an only child and they’ve always spoiled him, giving in to anything he requested. It was why they immediately supported him the moment he said he wanted to become a singer. Not even a gentle push towards another hobby did he hear from his parents. Instead they immediately threw money his way- buying him a piano, enrolling him to workshops…
So if he told them now that he has doubts about his dream they’d understand right? He was still a teenager after all and teenagers change minds often, change interests and hobbies. Sure they’d have to pay a hefty amount because Yijin has already signed the contract with LPL Entertainment but money shouldn’t be a problem right?
And Yijin can always help around the house in return or anything at all while he still figured out what he really wanted…
A knock jolted him out his reverie, making him yelp.
“Yijin-ssi are you there?”
It took a few seconds for Yijin to process that the voice belonged to Kang Seung-lok.
“Y-yeah! One minute.”
Yijin stood up and tugged on his hair and clothes, trying to compose himself. He had thought that with him and Seung-lok being the only Koreans in the group they’d immediately be friends but instead Seung-lok was quiet and serious most of the time and Yijin obviously wasn’t in good terms with the rest though if he was being honest Yu Wenbo was okay; nicer and more patient, smiling at him occasionally.
But still when it comes to being friends Yijin has lucked out in that matter and he couldn’t blame them: three months now and he seemed to have only gotten worse.
Finally when it seemed like a minute had passed and Yijin deemed his appearance okay, he went to open the door.
Kang Seung-lok stood outside dressed in his coat and jeans.
“Hey.” He said, even giving Yijin a small wave.
“H-hey.”
Seung-lok had never done this before, come to his room like this and needless to say the others never did either. After whole day practice they all retreated to their own rooms. More than once Yijin had overheard them making plans and to save the remaining pride he had left Yijin pretended he hadn’t heard anything though he wasn’t going to pretend that it didn’t sting when he saw the four of them from his bedroom window one time going out while he dined alone in his room with a measly bowl of ramyeon and the TV for company.
So when Seung-lok asked him for dinner that night Yijin had to make sure he heard it right.
“What?” Yijin said, blinking several times.
“Dinner.” Seung-lok replied. “There’s a good restaurant nearby. Come on we gotta go or else we’ll run out of tables.”
“Um…” this time Yijin had difficulty trying to hide his smile. “Um yeah sure hold on just…let me go grab my jacket.”
He closed the door so Seung-lok wouldn’t see how happy he was from just a mere invitation.
And how relieved. So relieved that he wanted to jump and he had to remind himself to stop it because he’d seem like a pathetic loser.
But Yijin was done trying to act apathetic. He let himself get excited as he looked around his wardrobe for his favorite white jacket.
If he played his cards right maybe he’d finally have a friend.
“They obviously all hate me since day one.”
Apparently the nearby restaurant Seung-lok had been referring to was a Western style diner and not the typical Korean restaurants Yijin wanted (though he was actually more after the soju) but he didn’t mind considering that this was his first time in a while that he went out for a meal with someone else.
Yijin had little to no contact anymore with his friends from school; they had all drifted apart, each to their own respective companies. He also found that he didn’t miss them at all. It’s not that they were awful people- they were all nice and supportive. Just weren’t the types to form a lifelong friendship with and besides it was bound to happen anyway.
“They don’t hate you.” Seunglok replied, digging in to the cheese fries he had ordered. “They just don’t know how to approach you.”
Yijin had gotten to know Seunglok a little before this. He was an only child too and had a cousin who was a pro gamer which Yijin thought was really cool.
“Um it’s been months now and all I’ve gotten from them are eye rolls and snide remarks. Sometimes in Korean sometimes in mandarin. Go figure.”
Seunglok laughed at that. “Believe me they’re not mad at you. They’re just figuring you out. And you have to give them a little leeway. It’s their first time in Korea after all and their parents are back home in China. They don’t know anyone else here.”
So he was just supposed to let them insult him to his face? Was what Yijin wanted to say but on second thought he knew Seunglok had a point. Those three were around his age and if he had been in their shoes- faraway from home in a foreign land whose language they were still half-learning and here comes a boy messing it all up…
But Yijin shook his head. Sure he understood where they were coming from but hadn’t he been putting his own effort too? They made him seem like Yijin was beneath them and so, confident that he can confide in Seunglok, he began to explain his side.
Seunglok was quiet after, both of them done with their meals and it was only their glasses of softdrinks that kept them in place.
“Don’t take this the wrong way but…” Seunglok finally said and Yijin already knew that he was going to take it the wrong way.
“I kinda agree with the guys. I know you’re putting your own efforts too but is that really enough?”
Ouch. He might as well have punched him.
With a shaking hand Yijin took his glass of Pepsi and slowly sipped on it.
“You of all people know about your dancing skills but it seems like you’re not doing anything about it and it’s what me and the guys see. You only dance when it’s practice time and that’s it. You don’t train yourself or ask Mr. Bang for help. You just accept things and move on.”
Seunglok wasn’t mad. He was concerned and Yijin can see it all over his face. He also realized that Seunglok was horribly right, specially the last part and it didn’t just pertain to dancing.
Achingly, Yijin realized it was his outlook on life too: what did he do about his crush on Han Wangho? What did he do when rumors about him circulated? What did he do when other people talked badly about him despite him being such a good person?
On stage Yijin shined like the brightest star in the galaxy just by putting his fingers on a piano and opening his mouth to sing. But when the show was over and the applause died down, who was he?
He might as well just be another face in the crowd, just another unremarkable fish in the sea.
Yijin had been so concerned with not standing out so people wouldn’t figure out his secret and what had that led him?
“You just let the others step on you. You complain about it but you’ve never actually defended yourself. You always run away or clam yourself shut.” Seunglok said voicing Yijin’s own thoughts. “And honestly the others are getting frustrated. Producer Wang must’ve seen something in you for him to make you our leader and until now we still can’t figure out what that is.”
“I…I don’t know what it is either.” Yijin couldn’t keep the pain in his tone from seeping out and how could he when his throat was swelling up from all the emotions he kept buried because he didn’t want to face them?
“I didn’t even want to be the leader I don’t know why sajangnim did it.”
And I don’t know if I still want to be an idol he wanted to say but bit back on it. That was dangerous territory. He might lose Seunglok’s trust if he did.
“I think you know why.” Seunglok said with a mysterious twinkle in his eye. The remark made Yijin snap back to attention.
“You know it you just don’t want to admit it. I think it’s time to face yourself Song Yijin. Show us who you really are and that way we’ll finally know how to approach you.”
Yijin just stared at nothing, his mouth slightly agape.
He almost missed Seunglok calling for the bill.
Yijin was like a zombie on the way home.
Seunglok was going to meet up with some old friends so Yijin had to go back by himself and on the way all he could think about were Seunglok’s words and how once again he was terribly, terribly right. How can that be?
It’s like Seunglok was some wise old scholar. Yijin resolved to crack that mystery someday because for now he has a lot of things to do.
Upon arriving back at his room Yijin locked the door, opened his computer and plugged in his headphones. He pulled up numerous language learning websites and tutorials.
It was already 2AM by the time he fell asleep on his chair, his desk laden with notebooks and papers full of scribbles and Chinese characters.
Friday night was always movie night and this time they were holding it in Wenbo’s room.
It was already 11 PM and Liu-Yi had gone out to buy some drinks from the nearby convenience store. The guys had promised they’d pause the movie but Liu-Yi couldn’t really trust them specially when it comes mischief was involved so now he was hurrying along the hallways, plastic bag full of canned drinks in hand.
He was already half-running when he heard a familiar beat echoing from one of the dance studios down the hall. What the hell?
Only employees were supposed to be awake at this hour. Was it a janitor? But then why would the music be on? Slowly, Liu-Yi crept up to the said studio. The door was slightly ajar, the familiar bass resonating so loud Liu-Yi can feel it in his chest. When he took a peek he was surprised at the scene before him.
It was Song Yijin, dancing.
He wore a white shirt and black jogging pants and he was doing their choreo. Sweat clung to his forehead. Sweat dripped from his hair. Sweat clung on to the back of his shirt and to Liu-Yi’s bafflement there was a crumpled shirt on the floor. It took him a few seconds to realize that it was wet.
Liu-Yi didn’t know how long he stood there until the song came to its end and he watched Yijin fall to his knees panting hard. But in a matter of seconds he stood back up to play the music and dance all over again.
It was a rainy afternoon when Yijin found Seunglok sitting by himself along the hallway, his back against the wall. His knees were drawn up and he was writing on a notebook.
Yijin called out to him but Seunglok didn’t seem to hear him. Only when Yijin was close did he see that Seunglok had his earphones on. Yijin gently nudged him with his toe.
“What are you doing?”
Seunglok immediately looked up, taking one earbud off. “Writing a song. I’m still not done yet.”
“Mind if I join you?”
Seunglok gestured to the empty space beside him. “Go ahead.”
Yijin decided long ago, since that dinner that changed his life, that he liked Seunglok a lot. He was honest in a way that he cared for other people’s feelings before saying what was on his mind. He was a bit on the quiet side at most times but Yijin can still tell that he listened and that he cared.
Most of the time if it wasn’t Yijin calling the shots it would be Seunglok silently doing things for the team and they all appreciated it. Yijin also felt that he can tell Seunglok anything. He was a good listener and he never judged. Yijin wished he had known him earlier. Had they met in school they would’ve hit it off.
“So what is the song about?” Yijin asked taking a quick glance at the notebook. Mostly though he can only see hasty scribbles and lots of erasures.
Their producers had allowed them to write some of their songs for their debut album and it was mostly the rappers doing the work. Yijin dedicated more time to dancing and working out.
“I’m still not made up actually.” Seunglok replied. “I want it to be a song about us so the listener will get to know us but I dunno it’s really tough. I also tried writing a love song but gosh it sounds so generic.”
Yijin knew a thing or two about songwriting. They had tackled it while he was in school and thanks to his piano skills he didn’t find much difficulty in the subject.
“I can help you. We can write one together.”
“Hmm alright then. I’ll do the rhymes and you do the chorus. I will also ask the others.”
As if on cue a pair of shoes came in from Yijin’s view. When he looked up he saw that it was Yu Wen-bo. Yijin smiled.
“Ni hao ma?”
He can tell that Wen-bo was surprised to hear this and Yijin felt smug.
“A bit tired but I’m doing great. Xiexie.”
“Come sit.” Yijin patted the space next to him. “I’m helping Seunglok with songwriting.”
Out of all the Chinese members it was Wen-bo he was closest with as he was the only one who smiled back at Yijin and was patient with him when it comes to teaching the choreo. He may not be as close as he is with Seunglok but it was a start.
Wen-bo sat down while Seunglok scribbled on his notebook and mumbled to himself.
“Hey if it’s okay with you…” Yijin said, turning to Wen-bo. “Can you stay with me tonight after dance practice? Just for one hour. I know I can practice by myself but it would be a big help if you can teach me.”
It really wasn’t that big of a secret that Yijin danced until the early hours of the morning. Not always but ever since Liu-Yi had caught him one night, he told everyone about it but until now nobody offered to help Yijin.
Seunglok did sometimes when he wasn’t busy with songwriting but other than that Yijin mostly practiced by himself. Wen-bo now thought that it was unfair, how could he not have seen it sooner?
Before they had all ganged up on Yijin because he always messed up. How could they not have seen that he just needed an extra hand?
Wen-bo felt guilty. Here was Yijin trying to be friends with him- with them. Always smiling. Always trying his best and improving little by little. But what did they do? What did they give him in return?
Wen-bo forced himself to smile back. “Of course I’ll help you I don’t mind.”
He turned to the windows in front of them where right now they can see the rain pouring down all over the city.
“We can dance for as long as you want.”
Of course Yijin still messed up. They were learning not one but two routines after all which they will perform for their debut stage and with the complexity of it all it wasn’t surprising to mix the steps up.
Yijin spun to his right- only to be caught by a solid pair of hands, steadying him by the shoulders.
“Whoa!” Seunglok caught him in time and they were both surprised but for Yijin it was an entirely different reason. He was so close to Seunglok their faces were practically inches apart and he might be stepping on his feet too.
“Watch where you’re going.” Seunglok didn’t sound mad- just serious. Yijin gulped. How come even though they were all sweaty from dancing, Seunglok still smelled good?
Seunglok spun him around and gently pushed him in the right direction. Yijin tried to catch up to the steps but even without looking at his reflection he can pretty much tell that he was doing it clumsily and Yijin blamed it on his heart that was racing wildly right now.
But he also knew that it had nothing to do at all with how exhausted he was and maybe, everything to do with a certain rapper.
Sure Yijin still messed up but that didn’t mean he was going to take shit for it.
“Let’s take five!” Mr. Bang announced before turning the music down. “After this let’s all go over the choreo again from the top.”
They all groaned in response, exhausted as they had been dancing for three hours now and they were just given a five minute break. The floor was practically flooded with their sweat.
“I’m sure Mr. Bang wouldn’t make us do this if only someone over here wasn’t messing up.” Zhen-Ning said and Wen-bo gave him a warning look but just like always Zhen-Ning ignored it. “I don’t even know why this total klutz is our leader sure he can sing but it’s not like he’s the only good singer out there.”
Before, Yijin might’ve ignored it. He might’ve even agreed with what Zhen-Ning said. But ever since his dinner with Seunglok many, many weeks ago Yijin knew that he was now a changed man and that meant he wasn’t going to just stand there and nod. It also meant that he can now say to Zhen-Ning and the others what he really thinks in a way they’d surely understand.
Before he knew it he was now standing before Zhen-Ning toe to toe and looking up at him with a glare that could kill.
“Listen to me Gao Zhen-Ning.” Yijin’s tone was icy, the first time he heard it on himself and he expected his heart to thump like crazy but instead he was calm and even secretly enjoyed it. “I don’t know what your problem is with me and frankly I don’t give a damn.”
Zhen-Ning looked at him as if he was seeing him for the first time and Yijin was so enjoying it, felt like every bone in his body was alive and singing. Yijin crossed his arms and despite his obviously short stature against the towering Zhen-Ning anyone who can see them right now would think that he was the mouse and Yijin the lion.
“Whether you like it or not you are going to respect me because I’m your leader. If you have any problems with that you can go talk to Producer Wang or go find another group to join.”
If Yijin could see his teammates’ faces right now he’ll be able to see the blatant awe in them and maybe he can tell that they’ve been waiting for this side of him all along.
“Nǐ míng bái ma?” Yijin said, even quirking up an eyebrow as if daring Zhen-Ning to come and talk shit about him again. The way Zhen-Ning’s throat bobbed up and down satisfied Yijin. Hell, his shaken demeanor was more than enough.
“Yes.” Zhen-Ning replied in a voice so low Yijin strained to hear him but he let it go.
“Good.” Yijin gave him a final onceover before walking away like nothing happened.
“I like guys.”
If this was a YA novel Yijin would’ve complained about how clichéd it is. It was almost midnight and he and Seunglok were lying on the roofdeck of their building looking up at the stars. The air was cold and Yijin slightly shivered despite of his jacket but he didn’t mind at all.
He and Seunglok had discovered this spot when they were brainstorming for a song and their bland white walled studios just weren’t enough to trigger inspiration. Of course this place was kind of forbidden- the glass partitions weren’t enough to prevent someone from doing the unspeakable and the fact that they had gotten up here thru some secret trapdoor was telling enough.
But still this place had become their secret spot- when they wanted to write songs or just meet up together to bitch about everyday life.
Seunglok reacted the way Yijin expected. He turned his face to Yijin, almost sitting up from the shock.
“Really?” he cried out
Yijin who was still looking at the wide expanse of stars and lying spread eagled, laughed. “Took me a long time to accept it to be honest. But when I did I felt so free you know? Like I no longer had this internal debate with myself. Of course I still like girls or at least I think I do but…I dunno I’ve been too focused with school and training that I haven’t really thought much about it.”
Seunglok nodded slowly. Yijin allowed him the time to take it all in.
“Okay as much as I’m dying to know how you realized you like guys I’m not gonna force you to. It’s none of my business.”
Now Yijin was surprised at this. Other people would’ve normally bombarded him with questions but right now it seemed like Seunglok was simply satisfied with the fact that Yijin confided his deepest secret, and a part of him that literally no one else on the planet knew.
Yijin wonders how Seunglok feels about that but he too is satisfied by the fact that Seunglok doesn’t treat all this as one big deal and for that Yijin is more than glad.
“I’ve had a crush on this guy in school. He’s in OGN now one of the guys who will be debating in their first idol group.”
“Ah I know those guys! The internet wouldn’t shut up about them.”
Recently OGN had released teaser images and it had trended on Twitter for days. So far their company hadn’t done anything similar although talks about their group had started months ago.
“Let me guess he’s a rapper.”
“Nope.”
“Aw man why not? Us rappers are cool. There’s no one more cooler and got more swag than us.”
“Oh my god please tell me you didn’t just say swag in 20 fucking 15, Kang Seung-lok.”
“Swag, swag.”
Yijin turned to Seunglok and was surprised to see that Seung-lok was already looking at him. He was also glad that it was dark out here, dark enough to conceal the deep flush Yijin was certain is coloring his cheeks right now.
“You’re too dorky to be a rapper.”
“You’re the first person to ever call me a dork, Song Yijin.”
“I am honored then.”
That night as Yijin laid down under the sea of stars he knew he was just a small speck of dust in this big, big world but when he heard his laughter mix with Seunglok’s it made him feel like he can do anything.
But in the meantime he also wished they could stay like this for just a little while longer.
Yijin wasn’t going to deny that Kang Seunglok was his favorite part of his new life. Because of him he finally had the friend he’s been looking for and not only that; Seunglok was starting to grow on him in a way that Han Wangho once did.
But this, whatever he felt towards Seunglok was way bigger. That’s why on that particular day as Yijin stood in front of the mirror and took great pains analyzing which way he should style his hair.
The company had allowed them a day off and he and Seunglok made plans to go out. It was also to Yijin’s secret relief that it will be just the two of them. Zhen-Ning and the others had used this day to invite their parents to come to Korea so now as the clock ticked half past six Yijin was confident the other guys were still out enjoying quality time with their families.
When he heard a knock upon his door Yijin scrambled to hide his container of hair wax- he didn’t want Seunglok to think he’s putting too much of an effort but for good measure Yijin hurriedly sprayed on his cologne before rushing to open the door.
Only it wasn’t Seunglok who was standing before him but Liu-Yi.
If Liu-Yi had registered the surprise and maybe disappointment on Yijin’s face he didn’t say anything about it. Instead he held out a brown paper bag to Yijin.
“H-hey.” Yijin managed to say. “What’s this?”
“A slice of chocolate fudge cake. My parents told me to give it to my friends.”
My friends.
Yijin let those words echo all over his mind.
“And Seunglok also told me you like chocolate.”
Yijin almost dropped the bag at this. He had mentioned it to Seunglok in passing and it was so casual he assumed Seunglok might not even remember it.
But he did. Oh god he did. And he also mentioned it to Liu-Yi.
“Thank you.” Yijin’s voice was so thick with emotion he barely heard himself.
Liu-Yi shrugged. “It’s nothing.”
“So…” Yijin cleared his throat. “Are you still going out with your parents tonight?”
“Nah they’ve already checked in to some hotel. They’ll be leaving tomorrow morning, the earliest flight back to China.”
“Oh. Well if you’re not doing anything tonight me and Seunglok are heading out. You can join us if you want.”
“No thanks I’m a bit tired from walking around all day with my parents. I think I’m gonna have to call it an early night. See you tomorrow Yijin.”
“Yeah.” Yijin smiled back, bringing Liu-Yi’s present closer to him.
“See you tomorrow.”
There was a spring in Yijin’s step as he went back inside his room.
Sometimes Yijin couldn’t believe that the sweat on the floor was all his. Even now as he fell to his knees panting hard and his eyes scanned the droplets across him, it had all seemed like it didn’t come from one person.
I might as well bleed out here at the rate I’m going.
Yijin had been practicing for three hours straight. When their daily practice ended at six Yijin had gone to his room to rest, change clothes and grab a few bites to eat before coming back here to dance all over again.
Well at least my fitness trainers wouldn’t lose a hair worrying about me, he thought bitterly.
Yijin himself didn’t even bother checking his weight anymore. With all the dancing that he did he was pretty sure he’ll never gain an ounce on him.
Yijin was still on the floor trying to catch his breath when he felt a sudden cold sensation against his skin that would’ve made him jump if it weren’t for the fact that he felt sweaty and tired all over.
Slowly, Yijin raised his eyes up and was surprised at the person standing next to him. It was Zhen-Ning holding a bottle of water so cold Yijin concluded it just came out of the fridge. He leaned into it, grateful.
“Thanks.” Yijin said
“Aren’t you going to get it?” Zhen-Ning replied with a light chuckle
“Ah I feel so sore. Just press it against my skin for a while.”
“You hold it. I’ll go and get you a towel.”
Before Yijin can even protest Zhen-Ning had left to get him said towel. Yijin watched him go, cradling the bottle in his hands.
After he had told Zhen-Ning off those many weeks ago, Zhen-Ning and Liu-Yi’s view of him changed. Well it didn’t change overnight of course but there it was: Liu-Yi offering to help him in the parts he couldn’t understand, offering to get him food or a drink. Zhen-Ning too started opening up to him. Whenever they’d stumble upon each other Zhen-Ning would tell him about a song he and Seunglok were working on or sometimes he’d just make passing but hilarious comments about their trainers.
And best of all on Friday nights or a weekend the five of them would go watch a movie in each other’s rooms. Though they always groaned whenever it was Yijin’s turn to pick because he was more into romcoms, they watched anyway. There was even one time Yijin caught Wen-bo swooning at a particularly sweet scene.
Yijin not only grew closer to Seunglok but to the rest of the guys as well. Though they weren’t at the point where they share insecurities to each other Yijin can tell that they were near to it and he also hoped that one day he’d be able to tell them his secret, specially after noticing the fact that the guys never judged him for liking romcoms or pointing out not even once, that he never changed the pronouns in the songs he’d cover.
If the guys ever had a suspicion they never showed it and the fact that they all treated him normally was enough for Yijin for the time being. When Zhen-Ning returned Yijin decided he’s had enough dancing for tonight.
“Going to sleep?” Zhen-Ning asked
“Yeah but I’ll take a nice warm shower first. What about you?”
“Seunglok and I are still working on the song I told you about. He doesn’t like the bridge even though we’ve already revised it a lot of times. You know how picky he can be.”
Yijin laughed. “Perfectionist is more like it. I want to stay and help you guys but I’m really beat.”
Zhen-Ning waved him off. “It’s fine don’t trouble yourself. We’ll just ask Wen-bo to fix us some coffee and we’ll be good.”
“Don’t stay up too late okay?” Yijin said. “Leader’s orders.”
Zhen-Ning smiled at that. “Got it.” He said, closing the lights after them.
It was just one of the rare moments in life where you’d find yourself thankful that you’re alive and well…you’re you if that makes any sense. And the sun hits just right, the sky above you a perfect shade of blue.
Yijin was aware he sounded like a cheesy poet in his head but there was just no other way to describe it.
Right now they were in an open field, in the middle of a wide expanse of grass and flowers with the occasional tree in the distance. Yijin can even spot a butterfly or two a while ago and a while ago Wen-bo had attempted to catch one of them which earned him a stern warning from Liu-Yi to let them fly free.
Yijin stretched out his arms, soaking in the warm afternoon sun. it had been a year and a half now since he had gotten to know these boys and started their life together as trainees and in six months Yijin was proud to say they will finally debut.
The company even promised they’d make it five if they showed better performances. Their concept photos had been taken, given to TV agencies and released to the public which were all warmly received. Their teaser videos revealing each member had all gotten nothing but excitement and positive feedback.
They weren’t even famous yet but they already have fans, how lucky was that?
It was also today, in this very field that they will start shooting for their first MV which was why they were all in a good mood. Behind him he can hear the excited cries of Wen-bo and Zhen-Ning probably still attempting to catch butterflies. Liu-Yi gave up trying to reason with them and was now walking around with a camera taking photographic shots of nature around them.
Seunglok approached Yijin and to his delight, draped an arm around his shoulder.
“Today’s the day huh? Can’t believe it.” Seunglok said as his eyes scanned the numerous cameras and equipment around them. Yijin smiled. He can still remember the sleepless nights the five of them would endure just trying to compose a song. While indeed it was tiring they had all ended up laughing at their mistakes and bonding over late night coffee.
“Me either. Six months feel so close yet so faraway.”
Seunglok nodded in agreement and Yijin knew that words weren’t needed. They all understood anyway. Where they are standing now and all these equipment and crew fussing around them, they all got here because of their efforts and hard work.
Because Yijin decided to finally be brave and face himself.
Because Zhen-Ning decided to stay.
Because Liu-Yi decided to be his friend.
Because Wen-bo decided to reach out and help him.
Because Seunglok reached out and pulled him out of the darkness, a darkness he never even knew he was in.
And now the lights were dawning in on them.
“Alright everyone into position we’re starting!” came the voice of one of their MV directors from a megaphone.
Seunglok squeezed Yijin’s shoulder. “Let’s go.” He said and Yijin nodded before calling out to the other guys.
The MV will start with the five of them running but they will turn around with smiles in their faces and the editing team will just do the trick. When the music started and they all began to run Yijin found he didn’t even have to pretend.
He let out a laugh as he ran, even tipping his head back to let the sun kiss his face. To his right Zhen-Ning even began to skip, his hair bouncing wildly in the process and Yijin can hear someone whooping though he wasn’t sure if it was Wen-bo or Liu-Yi.
To his left he caught Seunglok’s eye and Yijin took it as his cue to look over his shoulder. When he did he can see that he was a few paces ahead of his friends, a subtle indication of his role as leader.
It was also then that it had fully sunk into Yijin what being a leader entails. He held out his hand as it to tell his friends that they can always grab on to him whenever they need a steady anchor. And he will always, always pull them out of whatever darkness they were in.
Sure they had started out rocky and the road they were in now may be smooth and it will always not be that way but as leader and a dear friend Yijin promises that he will always be there for them.
Seunglok was the one who grabbed his hand and Yijin pulled Seunglok towards him. They both collapsed on the ground, laughing and the others followed too, forming a circle with their backs to the ground.
Yijin looked up at the sky and all he can think of was how he was one lucky, lucky boy.