Submit, Fight, Fail, Fall (or why you can't fight the blood that's in you)

by akainagi

Summary:

Jim Kirk is an omega with a chip on his shoulder. He thinks all alphas are assholes. Then he meets one that isn't.

Notes:

This fic was spawned long ago during word wars over at Jim_and_Bones. Thus the many shorter chapters.

Thanks to my wonderful beta Taverl and to all the denizens of the jim_and_bones rec room. I would have never finished (or even started) this without you all.

 

[CHAPTER 1]

 

Jim manifests when he is sixteen. Omega.

 

He’s fucking angry. And he lacks the self awareness at sixteen to realize that anger is just a comfortable blanket in which to shroud the scared.

 

One day everything is normal, and the next he can hardly think for the smell of pheromones assaulting his nostrils. And one night a month he has the irresistible urge to get on his knees for someone, male or female, just because they’re alpha and put out the right mix of biochemicals.

 

And why does he have to be omega? Why does he have to be miserable for the sake of kids he’ll never have. Because having kids worked out so well for his mom.

 

And there's not one person he can go to. No one he can ask. The douche who teaches Jim’s health class doesn’t know that the only support Jim gets at home is Frank’s fist supporting the side of his face. He has no friends, and he’ll be fucked if he asks one of the school’s counselors, who just look at him with a mixture of pity and irritation. Pity because of his last name, and irritation because he’s … well … HIM. He’s made a name for himself in Riverside as the only genius-level juvenile delinquent, a fact which infuriates or intimidates every adult in town.

 

So Jim does what he’s done his whole life when faced with a clusterfuck of epic proportions. He puts on his best face and wings it.

 

And that’s how Jim ends up on his knees for the first time for Tracy Higgins, a dark-haired, leggy senior with a sadistic streak a mile wide.  A streak Jim finds out about only AFTER his heat is upon him; his hormones screaming at him to submit submit submit. And he does. Because he’s omega, and that’s what omegas do when they're in heat. And it’s not like he feels betrayed that the seemingly mild-mannered alpha female turned out to have a penchant for humiliation.

 

It's completely a coincidence that the day after his first heat is also the day of his first arrest.

 

Jim sits in the county jail charged with the underage version of drunk and disorderly. Fuck it. It’ll probably get expunged when he turns eighteen anyway. Except for the fact that he will have to go through this humiliation every month for the REST OF HIS LIFE.  His hormones will drive him to his knees (literally) twelve times a year to the handiest available alpha.

 

He meets Gary not long after that. Jim's first few disastrous encounters have led him to the tentative assumption that all alphas are assholes. Gary Mitchell confirms this in spectacular fashion. Gary is gorgeous, and his pheromones are like a drug. But the guy probably learned all he ever knew about psychosexual politics from the Marquis de Sade. Gary’s a little too fond of the mind-fuck. He ties Jim up once, fucks him raw and makes him go an entire night without coming. Hurts like hell when Gary finally lets him finish. Then Jim passes out, and wakes to find the bastard laughing at him. And yet Jim puts up with Gary for almost two years because the alpha you know is still infinitely better than the alpha you don't know. And as twisted as the other guy is, at least Jim knows what to expect from Gary.

 

Or Jim thinks he knows, anyway. Until the line is crossed, and every previous mind-fuck pales in comparison to the grand betrayal of Jim's eighteenth year. And Jim finally realizes the one thing he really knows, or needs to know, about Gary's kind.

 

Yup.  Alphas are assholes.

 

After Gary, he goes on hormone suppressants. Thank Christ he’s not allergic to them. The doctor at the clinic tells him all the risks involved with overuse: “Remember, son, they’re only to be used in emergencies.” He takes the prescription and tells the doc “Thanks for the script and I’m not your fucking son.” He imagines that if his father had lived, and his mother actually could've stood being in the same room with him for more than a few hours at a time, that he might have come away with a better handle on his own biology. Did normal families sit their kids down and tell them about this shit?

 

The suppressants help. They turn the monthly night of mindless lust and humiliation into a monthly date with his own hand. It’s lonely, and a fundamental part of him feels unfulfilled - lying there stroking himself off until the fire inside him finally sputters and dies for another thirty days. But at least he’s not forced on his knees for anyone. And he gets plenty of sex in between heats. Good sex, bad sex, boring sex. Sex he can control. As opposed to being inundated by alpha pheromones and losing any and all higher cognitive function. Instead of being completely at the mercy of someone who may not even be on speaking terms with the concept.

 

He floats (stumbles?) through the last of his teen years in this fashion. He greets his twenties with a chip on his shoulder and a shit-eating grin that invites all comers to try him on for size. He gives as well as he gets on most days. And if he wakes up in the middle of the night sometimes and asks himself why the hell he's still wasting his life in the dead-end that is Riverside? Well, he just shoves that question down. At least until the day he runs into one of the most gorgeous creatures he’s ever seen (Gary Mitchell eat your heart out) at the dive over by the shipyard. Beta? A fellow omega? Tall and dark and leggy. Most people would say she was an alpha by the attitude, but Jim knows at this point not to take people at face value. She’s wonderfully, brilliantly bitchy and it is almost worth the pounding he takes from Cupcake and his crew in order to grope her chest.

 

But then things start to deteriorate, because he finds himself face to face with Starfleet made flesh in the form of Christopher Pike, who tells him (no, dares him) to do better than his old man.  And Jim wants to snarl at him that what the fuck does he know? That everyone throughout his life has been throwing down that gauntlet just so they can see him fail. Every townie and every reporter and every alpha who ever had him on his knees has gotten off on watching Jim Kirk flounder. But this Pike doesn’t look like he expects him to fail. So maybe that’s why he does what he does.

 

So he takes his bike to the shipyard, takes his feet into the shuttle and parks his ass in the seat, and damned if this isn’t the single dumbest thing he’s ever done in his life. That feeling is cemented by the fact that the guy next to him - a scruffy, loud, apparently neurotic Southerner - announces that he just might throw up on Jim’s person.

 

His name is Leonard McCoy, and he smells like the booze he carries around in his hip-flask (which he shares with Jim, and Jim thinks that’s right neighborly). And Jim's so overwhelmed by the sheer force of personality and the smell of bourbon that, for once, he doesn’t stop to wonder if the guy’s alpha or omega or anything in between.

 

 

[CHAPTER 2]

 

Leonard McCoy had no idea what made him bitch about his divorce to a total stranger. Later he would blame it on the alcohol.

 

“Jim Kirk,” the kid said by way of introduction, and chased his words with a pull from Leonard’s own flask. Leonard returned the formality.

 

The doctor was not in the most observant frame of mind during this shuttle ride. Crushing nausea tended to disrupt his concentration. But even he noticed Kirk had gone a few rounds with someone fierce in the last twenty-four hours. His face was littered with darkening bruises and abrasions and his knuckles looked sort of the worse for wear. Not to mention the flecks of dried blood decorating the front of his shirt.

 

So Leonard asked about it, all the while cursing his doctor’s instincts that make him inquire about a matter that wasn’t even remotely his business.  The kid loudly related the story with an animation that appeared only slightly forced.

 

And for some unknown reason the tall, dark woman seated across from them was shooting daggers at Kirk with her eyes. Weird.

 

“Don’t know about you, kid, but I wouldn’t go around telling people I got the shit kicked out of me by someone named Cupcake,” the physician pointed out acerbically.

 

Kirk’s laugh was genuine, his gaze amused. The good humor grated on Leonard’s nerves. He was simultaneously too drunk and not drunk enough to tolerate such a display.

 

The kid rambled, his voice both annoying and blessedly distracting. Around the third tale of local gossip from Asshole, Iowa, Leonard realized that the younger man was actually trying to distract him from his miserable physical and mental state.  The realization was unaccountably annoying. He fixed Kirk with the same ‘shut the fuck up’ stare that sent poor interns running for cover.

 

Totally oblivious. Or maybe not so oblivious, as Kirk seemed even more obstinately animated than before, a permanent half-smile on his lips and eyes that were so bright they were nearly headache-inducing to Leonard’s semi-drunk brain.

 

By the time they landed in San Francisco, Leonard had the urge simultaneously thank Kirk and smack him. He settled for ejecting the liquid contents of his stomach just outside the shuttle. As the bourbon burned his throat on the way up, he realized, mortified, that the kid was patting him on the back as he retched.

 

“Shit, Bones. You’re in bad shape, man.”

 

He realized hazily that he had just been christened with a nickname, something he hadn’t tolerated since he was in short pants. He turned to bitch Kirk out and promptly vomited on the other man’s shoes.

 

Later, he would have to give the kid credit. Jim continued rubbing circles over Leonard’s back throughout the whole miserable event. But he also kept using that ridiculous nickname.

 

 

[CHAPTER 3]

 

The moment Leonard punched the comm number in, he regretted it.

 

“This is Jim.”

 

He had the near-overwhelming urge to hang up. He should have no desire to socialize, let alone with an obnoxiously attractive and attractively obnoxious kid who had already been witness to a couple of the less than sterling aspects of Leonard McCoy's nature.

 

Why was he doing this again?

 

“Kid? McCoy.” God, where had his powers of speech gone?

 

Kirk sounded disproportionately pleased all of a sudden. “Bones?”

 

“Don’t call me that.”

 

“It’s an expression of my esteem.”

 

“Bullshit,” Leonard fired back.

 

“Yeah, but I’m gonna use it anyway. So did you comm me for a reason, or just to discuss nomenclature?”

 

Nomenclature? The doctor resisted the urge to scoff. “Drinks. After orientation assembly. Tomorrow. You interested?”

 

“Why?” The question was a mixture of amused and … wary?

 

“What do you mean 'why?'” Leonard fairly growled. This had been such a shit idea.

 

“I mean why? What, you wanna give me a chance to puke on your shoes?” Kirk’s voice had a hint of repressed laughter.

 

“Look, kid, if you don’t –“

 

“I didn’t say I didn’t. I do. I will.”  The sound of backpedaling.  “Yeah, sure. I pick the bar, though.”

 

“Fine. Okay. Right.”  Leonard flipped his comm closed before his day could get any more pathetic.

 

Why was he doing this again?

 

Because he was going to be spending the next three to four years in this hell before getting shipped into the black, sucking vortex of space, and he couldn’t expect to hide in his dorm or Medical the whole time. Because he’d already spent the last year of his life hiding from the world at large and his ex-wife in particular. And because it was nice to have a living, breathing person to bitch at for once.

 

Fine. Okay. Right.

 

 

[CHAPTER 4]

 

Jim toggled off the comm and flopped onto his narrow, dorm-issue bunk, fluctuating between feelings of anticipation and mild foreboding. Was he being pursued? The omega in him was happily crowing in the affirmative. He ruthlessly quashed the voice. McCoy was probably just trying to make up for puking on Jim’s only pair of shoes. Or the man was a long way from home and was simply looking for someone to knock a few back with.

 

Although, from their scant few hours together the other day, Jim wouldn’t have pegged him as the guilty or the needy type.  Rather the opposite.

 

He’s the alpha type, Jim thought darkly as he stared at the dorm ceiling.

 

Broad-shouldered, strong voiced, assertive. Attractive traits in an alpha. Attractive traits to Jim, despite his discouraging past experience with the entire class.  And the man’s acerbic personality and gruff demeanor added a bit of intrigue to the classical alpha profile.  God, another alpha. Jim just never learned, even after the clusterfuck with Gary. Gary Mitchell had always told him that you can’t fight the blood that’s in you. Of course the man usually said that right before visiting something sadistic and perverted upon Jim’s body.

 

But what if Gary was right?

 

Jim burrowed further into his pillow and firmly declared himself a chickenshit. Things could be different now. The hormone suppressants would help – his omega pheromones wouldn’t be announcing themselves to all and sundry.  And he was finally fucking out of Riverside, although it had taken years of wallowing, Captain Pike’s goading and one truly epic bar brawl to finally get him here.  No one here had ever had a front row seat to his delinquent behavior and general asshattery. Not that he had plans to be a model citizen, but there was a universe of opportunity here if he managed not to fuck it up before he even started.

 

Jim heaved himself off his bed, schooling his face into its most determined smirk. He had told Bones that he was picking the bar. So it was only appropriate that he do some research beforehand. He shoved on his boots, checked himself in the mirror (his face still looked like one honking bruise) and embarked on a mission to find out who had the best beer on tap in the Bay Area.

 

 

[CHAPTER 5]

 

By the time the boringly massive and massively boring orientation assembly finished, Leonard was half-comatose and in sore need of a drink. Nothing like being squashed in with a bunch of kids almost ten years his junior, all of them obnoxiously starry-eyed to boot.

 

Which led him to the fact that he was about to meet one of those kids for a drink. Not that Jim Kirk had been anything like starry-eyed, although his eyes had been a startling blue underneath that shiner. But the kid clearly had issues. Why else had he been picking a fight in a bar in Bumfuck Iowa the night before enlisting?

 

Probably for the same reason Leonard had signed-on drunk.

 

The doctor made his way across the quad towards the dorms that would be his home for the next three miserable years, itching to get out of the uniform that already felt like it was choking the life out of him. Leonard’s ex had always told him he was in love with trying to fix things. He'd always gravitated towards the people and things that needed fixing.  Unfortunately such things had not included his marriage. His instinct as a doctor to help whoever was in front of him at any given time, coupled with what Jocelyn had uniquely termed ‘that alpha instinct to stifle the shit out of everything’ had spelled the end of their marriage long before the divorce had become a reality.

 

Leonard was a physician. He knew the standard biological imperatives of the three subtypes of the human species. Alphas were the protectors, betas were the thinkers, omegas were the nurturers. He also knew that these classifications weren’t worth the textbooks they were printed in. Jocelyn was omega – a less nurturing person you could never find on God’s green Earth. It was probably a good thing they never had kids, as much as Leonard had wanted them, or he would be going through a custody battle along with the recently completed divorce proceedings.

 

He reached his dorm room – a single, thank Christ – and after the second fumble, managed to key himself in. He began shedding the hated uniform as soon as the door closed, still lost in his own mental wanderings. Was this what divorce turned a person into, he wondered as he stepped into the shower. Did it turn you into someone who questioned yourself at every turn? Did it make you question your motivations for every interaction and every relationship you embarked on, even casual friendship? Was his sense of self that rattled?

 

He refused to believe that. He was not that broken.

 

By the time he was pulling on his simple jeans and shirt, and then finding the bar’s address, he had ruthlessly quashed his introspective angst.  He was going out for a drink with a near-stranger (whose shoes he had vomited on, thank you very much) in his first week as a cog in the Federation’s military machine.  This was about as socially forward as he could get.

 

 

[CHAPTER 6]

 

Leonard was relieved to find that the bar, an enigmatically named establishment on the edge of San Francisco proper, was not a horribly obnoxious affair. It appeared sanitary, if a little crowded. And if the music was not exactly his glass of bourbon, at least it was kept down to a dull pounding in the background.

 

The doctor scanned the crowded room until his eyes lighted on a figure whose hand was raised in a wave. Sure enough, ensconced in a small booth in the back corner, was the kid.  As Leonard approached he noted that Kirk hadn’t bothered to have anyone look after the bruising on his face. It made his doctor’s hands itch. The rest of the younger man’s lean figure was clothed in jeans and a T-shirt that hugged his torso appealingly. The hue of the shirt brought out the startling color of his eyes, which were deep, and bright and very blue against the mottled bruising of his face.

 

Leonard muttered a greeting and dropped himself in the booth across from Kirk. Christ, this had been a bad idea. Here for less than five minutes and he was already waxing poetic about blue eyes.

 

Kirk's face split into a wide smile. “What’s with the sour face, Bones?”

 

“Don’t call me that.” Leonard made a nominal attempt not to scowl. Then gave up. If anything, Kirk’s grin seemed to widen in inverse proportions to the doctor’s own sour expression. “I think I’ve been oriented right into a coma. Six hours of listening to morons drone on about military decorum and curfews.”

 

Kirk took a pull on his beer. “I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to refer to your instructors as morons,” he pointed out wryly.

 

“And what would you call them?”

 

Kirk made a show of looking thoughtful. “Self-important pricks.”

 

“And that’s better?” Leonard asked with a snort of amusement.

 

The other man shrugged, his smile endearingly lopsided. “At least I’m not insulting their intelligence.”

 

Leonard couldn’t stop the upward twist of his own mouth. This kid was a trip; clever with an irreverent streak a mile wide. Which begged the question: “So. Why Starfleet?  You know why I’m here.” The doctor had volunteered that bit of information during the first minutes of their acquaintance, when he was half-drunk and near-paralyzed with fear. “What the hell are you doing in this army of nutjobs?”

 

The younger man’s smile slipped a little, reforming into one that was wider, but totally disingenuous. Kirk lifted his shoulders in a ‘whatever’ expression. “Seemed like a good idea at the time.”

 

Leonard wanted to ask if that time was before, during or after he was getting his face pounded. He refrained from questioning the lackluster response. There was a limit to how much a guy could pry with only a few days of acquaintance under his belt. His curiosity was definitely piqued, though.

 

To say that Leonard hadn’t had much in the way of social companionship in the last year was an understatement of biblical proportions. And he had never been as adept in the social graces as his ex had wanted him to be. He observed as Kirk waved over one of the staff and ordered himself another beer, and Leonard made it two. The kid flirted skillfully with the waitress, who gave as good as she got, probably in pursuit of the almighty tip.

 

The woman sashayed off to fetch their drinks, as Leonard raised an amused eyebrow at his companion.

 

Kirk grinned in response, his sunny disposition back in full force. Normally Leonard would be annoyed by such a display. But the kid’s obvious wit and sarcasm tempered what might have otherwise been irritating.

 

Kirk carried himself like an alpha. All cockiness and swagger. Although Leonard could’ve sworn, just a few days ago, that his impression had been rather the opposite. Especially when the younger man was trying to nurse him through the worst of his alcohol and shuttle induced dry-heaves. An extroverted beta, he had thought at the time. Maybe an omega, on the outside chance. But now, looking at Kirk and listening to him natter and bitch and wax enthusiastically about his class schedule (Christ, the kid was actually enthusiastic about that), he had to remind himself that biology wasn’t everything, even to someone like himself who lived and breathed the stuff.  And even Leonard’s considerable grasp on the subject of the human species didn’t tell him any more about who and what Jim Kirk was.

 

That was when he realized, to his surprise, that he actually wanted to find out. Not because he was interested. At least not that way. But because, for the first time in a year, he actually felt need to connect with another person on a level higher than ‘hello, how are you, now back the fuck off.’

 

Leonard took a swallow of his beer (horrible stuff), listening to Jim Kirk ramble and inserting his own dry commentary when the mood took him.

 

Well. This might just turn out to be interesting.

 

 

[CHAPTER 7]

 

Jim Kirk, as friends went, was both exasperating and surprisingly useful.

 

Useful because damned if the kid wasn’t several kinds of fucking genius.  He made a decent study partner, well versed in so many of the areas where Leonard was lacking, from xenolinguistics to the dreaded but mandatory Piloting 101. In return, Leonard found himself patching up his fellow cadet after many a bar brawl that the younger man seemed to get pulled into like a damned magnet. Leonard got an academic compatriot, Jim got patched up under the official radar of Starfleet Medical.  It was a surprisingly effective system of quid pro quo.

 

Jim Kirk, as friends went, was also a hell of a lot of work.

 

Perhaps it was Leonard's own proximity to his recent divorce, or merely his tendency as a doctor to detect and diagnose, but he recognized a familiar pattern in Jim Kirk. The man was alternatingly genuine and disingenuous in turns. Attempts to connect alternated with attempts to deflect, a telltale sign of the emotionally wounded. It resonated with the part of Leonard that was still trying to figure out where the hell everything in his marriage had gone so wrong.

 

Then there were times when Jim would give Leonard that blindingly honest and open smile. When he would sling an arm affectionately over the doctor’s shoulder and give him a taste of the human companionship Leonard now realized he had actually been starved for. In those moments the older man was reminded that it was all worth it. Hell, Jim could be twice the trouble he was (and wasn’t that a horrifying prospect), and it would still be worth every last second of frustration.

 

Of course, there was more than one kind of frustration.

 

 

[CHAPTER 8]

 

Leonard McCoy, as friends went, was both exasperating, and surprisingly useful.

 

Useful, because damned if he didn’t have mad skills with a regen unit, even if his skills with a hypo were fucking terrifying.  And he was a top notch diagnostician. The guy just had to look at Jim to know what was wrong with him. Half the time the tricorder was a formality. Thank god for the man, because otherwise Jim would be sunk in a sea of demerits so deep he’d never wade out from under them. Starfleet took a rather dim view on bar fights amongst its cadet body.

 

And in return for his medical prowess, Jim helped fill some of the gaps in his friend’s vast body of knowledge. Vast, but seriously limited to all things biological. The man was as close as you could get to a technophobe in the twenty-third century. Transporters and shuttles were his antichrist, and the mere thought of an exam in Piloting 101 turned Bones distinctly green.

 

Leonard McCoy, as friends went, was also a hell of a lot of work.

 

The man wore sarcasm like a suit of armor, a fresh glare always at the ready. Sometimes Jim would swear that Bones was actively cultivating their friendship, and other times he appeared to be trying to scowl it to death. It was an intricate dance of advance-and-retreat that Jim immediately recognized.  Whoever his ex was, the woman had really done a number on the guy. And Jim could sure as shit relate to that particular problem, even five years later.

 

The man made a bitchin’ drinking buddy, though. He could toss ‘em down. Apparently one should never underestimate the constitution of a southerner, Jim found out the first time he was put under the table.

 

And it was … good. He supposed. To have someone to rely on. Terrifying and good. He had never trusted anyone to be there before. Not his mom, certainly not Frank. And not Gary, the bastard. And here he was, friends with an alpha. Best friends. With an alpha.

 

And Jim was frequently reminded that Bones was indeed an alpha.

 

The inhibitors suppressed his heat, by and large. However, they did absolutely nothing for his omega sensitivity to alpha pheromones. It was seductive. He found himself leaning just a little closer when he was explaining the intricacies of warp theory, found himself, almost without the consent of his brain, slinging an arm over his friend’s broad shoulders on the way home from the bar. The combination of pheromones and Bones’ innate dependability and his strong, attractive build made Jim feel oddly vulnerable. So he pulled back. Until the next time he felt himself moving forward. It was seductive. And good. And terrifying.

 

And it was frustrating as hell.

 

 

[CHAPTER 9]

 

Leonard could identify the exact moment, over six months into their friendship, when all his preconceived notions about Jim Kirk were unceremoniously tossed out the window. The old phrase began ’you think you know a guy …’ And that was the thing, really.

 

He had thought he knew Jim Kirk.

 

One moment they were eating in the mess, padds strewn about the table, both of them in the midst of their own personal academic purgatory, the next moment Jim was making a rather sudden and decisive bid to leave.

 

Jim had been uncharacteristically subdued when they met up for supper and an impromptu study and bitch session (okay, the bitching had been mostly Leonard). Leonard tried not to think about the fact that this was the most regular social life he had enjoyed since his marriage went to hell. Sad.

 

Leonard had been studying (read: glaring at) his notes for interspecies medical ethics when the sharp noise of silverware clattering made him look up. Jim sat in front of his barely-touched supper, his face twisted into an unreadable expression. He noticed Leonard’s regard and gave a thin smile of apology.

 

“I’ve had it,” Jim said simply.

 

“You referring to the food or Starfleet in general?" Leonard drawled. "‘Cause if it’s the former I’d have to say the whole campus agrees with you. If it’s the latter, I’ve been fed up with them since I got on that damned shuttle back in Iowa.”

 

Normally Jim would have made a wisecrack in return, possibly joining in on the Iowa-bashing. Apparently his hometown had a distinct lack of fond memories. Instead his face remained pleasantly neutral, plastered with what Leonard called a ‘company smile’ – the kind of expression you put on in front of people when you were trying to snow them as to what you were actually thinking.

 

The doctor’s eyes gave Jim the once over. Jim’s color was high, though not alarmingly so. And he definitely appeared to be disguising some form of discomfort. On impulse and compelled by years of training and practice, Leonard reached over the table, intending to lay the back of his hand over his friend’s forehead.

 

The result was not so much a flinch as it was an immediate and total strategic retreat. Jim pushed back his chair hastily, his eyes fixing on Leonard with that same inscrutable expression.

 

“Jim?” Leonard asked evenly, his voice a mix of 'I am a doctor and you will tell me what the fuck is going on' and 'I am your friend and you will tell me what the fuck is going on.'  He was about to say something to either effect when he was jolted by a sharp tug at his nostrils and his gut. The familiar scent of omega pheromones, unmistakable in their similarity, yet unique to each individual, came to him from the only other person in the vicinity.

 

There was the immediate visceral reaction: a stab of want buzzed through him that was startling in its intensity. He squelched it all the more ruthlessly for his surprise. Leonard watched, wide-eyed and momentarily struck dumb as Jim quickly but calmly picked up his padds and shoved them in his bag.

 

“Gotta go, Bones.”

 

Leonard quickly regained his powers of speech. “Jim-“

 

“Sorry, man. Things to do.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Like not studying.”

 

Of course Leonard knew what that meant. Jim Kirk was doing what any omega in his heat was led to do. He was heading off to get laid. The primal part of Leonard’s alpha biology snarled at the thought even as the civilized, modern part of him admonished that he had no say in what or who Jim did.

 

Jim gave him one last apologetic, more-or-less genuine smile and strode quickly to the exit by way of the recycler, disposing of his tray on the way out.

 

Leonard blinked and shook his head slightly, trying to shake off the territorial feelings that had gripped him so strongly.

 

So. Omega.

 

Leonard sighed and tossed his padd down on the table, abandoning the pretense of studying for the moment. Surely the most atypical omega ever. But then, Jim would have made for an atypical anything. In six months, Leonard had never gotten a decisive bead on where Jim fell in the gambit of human subspecies. Jim had never triggered Leonard’s alpha senses as a rival or as available. Though Leonard would have to be dead not to acknowledge that Jim was startlingly attractive in his own right. Despite that, Leonard had assumed somewhere along the line that Jim was a beta, albeit an extremely extroverted one. But he had always been aware that his assumption had been just that – an assumption.

 

Of course he could have found out easily enough. He had access to Jim’s personal information through Starfleet medical. But it would be a cardinal breach of medical ethics to do so. And despite what Leonard’s instructor said about his sometime lack of cultural sensitivity, his ethics were still firmly intact, thank you.

 

Leonard looked down at his notes with an even deeper scowl than before, trying to regain his tilted equilibrium. The echoing scent and taste of pheromones was rapidly fading from his senses, reminding him of Jim’s hasty departure and the reason for it. Was his friend bedding down with a stranger - maybe someone he picked up in a bar? An anonymous no-strings encounter?

 

Was it someone Leonard knew?

 

Leonard didn’t bother to contain his waspish expression. The snarling feeling of jealousy was back, and this time he had no pheromones to blame it on.

 

 

[CHAPTER 10]

 

Jim knew his own body. It was rather difficult not to, when cycle prediction was ingrained in most omegas from their first heat. In the years since his eighteenth birthday, rarely had one caught him by surprise.

 

When he realized his mistake, he cursed himself for being ten kinds of idiot. Of course his heat would come early. He socialized extensively and in fairly close quarters with a fucking alpha. Not that he would curtail his friendship with Bones for pretty much anything. And hadn’t it scared the shit out of him to realize that? When had he turned into such a needy bastard?

 

And now Bones knew. The look on the man’s face as Jim had fled the mess was all the proof Jim needed. Fuck.

 

Jim cut it so close that he barely got the right mix of suppressants down in time. He remembered politely requesting that his roommate please fuck off for the evening. The other man, a quiet second-year beta in the science track had just looked at him in this pitying fashion that made Jim want to sock him in the jaw. Then the roommate quietly took his padd and left.

 

Jim dry-swallowed the meds before collapsing on his bed, hand groping between his legs where he was already almost painfully erect.  In his desperation, he didn’t even bother to undress; he simply shoved clothing aside to accommodate his goal.  He had taken the suppressants far too late this time. It would be the better part of an hour before they began to deaden the feelings of lust and razor-sharp need. The sensation of nothing but Jim’s own hand on his starved flesh sent his brain into violent protest that no no no, this was not what he wanted. But he’d be fucked if he gave his body what it really wanted. Fucked in every sense of the word, actually. He’d be on his knees and the worst part was that he’d want it.

 

God, this was why he hated being omega. This fucking enslavement to hormones and pheromones. His traitorous body would settle for anyone’s hand on him right now. Even Gary’s abject betrayal all those years ago looked different when viewed through the temporary filter of frustrated desire. If the man was in front of him now, would Jim just get on his knees for him again like nothing had happened?

 

Jim snarled to himself, gripping his dick almost too tightly, punishing his body for its rebellion. His mind shoved thoughts of Gary away. Instead he brought up faceless objects of fantasy, alternating between the soft yielding flesh of a woman, and the solid planes of a man. More the latter, actually. It had been pointed out once that Jim was a slut for cock. It was probably the only thing Gary had said in two years that wasn’t bullshit.

 

Orgasm was elusive, as it always was when his hand was doing the honors. Jim’s body stubbornly refused to accept generic fantasy and lonely masturbation as a substitute for the real thing. Jim alternated between firm, slow strokes and decisive jerks, to little avail. An undignified whimper escaped into his pillow. Jim went through every random fantasy from the last five years hoping one of them would bring an end to this torment.

 

But because Jim’s Kirk’s mind was one contrary motherfucker, it lighted one subject in particular. When Jim gasped out his surprise, it was more like a wanton moan than anything else. Faceless forms and figures coalesced into one that was so very familiar. And that was it. Suddenly Jim was lying in a sweaty frustrated heap in his bed, jacking off to a fantasy of his best friend. His cock wept with approval and the pleasure centers of his brain hummed in agreement.

 

Jim imagined that body pressed against his back, a hard cock in the cleft of his ass, teasing him into a state of even higher arousal. He imagined that voice (fuck, dear god, that voice) telling him where to touch, how fast to stroke. Making the submission sweet. Christ, he would get on his knees for that voice, and he would do it willingly. Jim’s hand followed his fantasy’s commands to the letter, his mind ecstatically chanting finally, finally. He came suddenly and silently; the feeling was so huge that his voice failed him. He spurted hot and wet over his hand and over the pants that still rode low on his thighs.

 

He stroked himself through the aftershocks, even though the sensation was too much and just the other side of painful. But the urge to punish was back. The fantasy was gone with his orgasm and he was left with nothing but an empty bed and come stains on his clothes. And the profound sense of loneliness that always chased him in these moments.

 

The second and third waves were easier. The sensations were dulled, the urges dampened. But even through the blunt haze of the suppressants, Jim’s body knew what it wanted. It wanted broad shoulders and strong arms and hard cock and that southern drawl that seemed to simultaneously grab him by the heart and the balls. And his traitorous body was trying to convince his mind to want the same.

 

Jim Kirk knew plenty about his own body. His body didn’t know shit about Jim Kirk.

 

 

[CHAPTER 11]

 

McCoy, L.H. to Kirk, J.T.: Hey, asshole, where are you?

 

Leonard shot off the message with a mix of irritation and foreboding. Jim was not the type to miss classes. Despite his assumed happy, horny idiot persona, the man was serious about his academic future.

 

Leonard’s dismay might also have something to do with the fact that he now had to sit through Piloting 101 relatively alone. Jim’s occasional grounding chatter usually helped distract Leonard from his neuroses and from his general irritation with the class at large. The class’ fresh-faced majority looked at him as an amusingly ancient anachronism, despite the fact that he was less than a decade older than most of them. He sat through the class in a state of distraction. Thank God the instructor had chosen not to put them all through sims today.

 

Leonard’s schedule that day left him little time to investigate the mystery of Jim's absence beyond a few irate texts between classes. Why was he so worried? Jim was an adult. It’s not like the kid couldn’t take care of himself. He had patched him up after enough bar-fights to know that Jim could hold his own.

 

And therein lay the trouble. Jim Kirk was a magnet for trouble, even when he didn’t go out actively looking for it. And Leonard couldn’t get Jim’s unsettled countenance from yesterday out of his mind. That split-second look of wide-eyed panic when Leonard had done nothing but reach over the table.

 

That was how he found himself outside Jim’s dorm room after his last class ended - a mind-numbingly dull lab section filled with shit he had learned years ago. He stood with his hand poised over the comm button, a voice in his head telling him that he was simply being paranoid and overbearing. Annoyingly, the voice sounded a lot like his ex-wife.

 

He firmly squelched his inner critic and jabbed the door chime. And waited. Pressed it again for good measure. Then he finally got fed up and held the damn thing down until a groggy, sleep-hoarse voice issued forth from the panel:

 

“Fuck off,” was the succinct greeting.

 

Leonard didn’t like the listless tone. “Not happenin’, kid.”

 

“Bones?”

 

“Who else would come looking for your sorry ass?”

 

“Don’t need looking after,” was the petulant reply.

 

“I’ll be the judge of that. Now let me in before I medical override the damned door.”

 

Leonard waited a few more moments. He was seriously tempted to make good on his threat when the door finally opened.

 

Leonard made his way through the study area and into the bedroom proper. He could make out Jim’s figure in the dimmed light, sitting on the side of his bed. The set of his shoulders spoke of exhaustion, even though it was pretty apparent that the man had been sleeping when Leonard arrived.

 

“Rough night, kid?” Leonard approached cautiously, trying to get a better read on Jim’s mood.

 

Jim appeared to be shivering, despite the sweats he was currently wearing and the fact that the ambient temperature was just short of sweltering. “I’m fine,” was the only reply the younger man offered.

 

“Fine, he says,” Leonard muttered under his breath. “Lights sixty percent,” he barked, caught somewhere between concern and outright frustration. He was in no mood to play games. Leonard had spent his whole day steeped in concern for someone who clearly didn’t want his help surrounding a matter that really shouldn’t be any of Leonard’s concern.

 

Except, when he took in Jim’s pallor and drawn features, he had to admit that he was very much concerned.

 

Leonard quickly fished into his case for his medical tricorder, noticing that Jim actually winced when it was pointed at him.

 

“Leave it alone, Bones,” Jim said in a measured tone that did not bode well.

 

Leonard ignored him, focusing instead on the flood of incoming data. Vitals were on the depressed end of normal. Brain activity was skewed on the high end of normal, presumably to compensate for the endocrine system, which was in complete riot.

 

Leonard snapped the tricorder shut decisively. “You and I have a date with Medical, Jim. Your readings are all over the place.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Jim replied in more of that carefully measured tone of voice.

 

Leonard picked up a pair of sneakers from the floor and tossed them onto the bed. “I don’t have time for this shit. You’re going to Medical under your own power or I’m calling emergency services to drag you there.”

 

Jim’s expression turned abjectly mutinous, his voice finally breaking from its flat monotone and rising in anger. “I don’t need your help,” he ground out.

 

“What the fuck?” Leonard growled. “So I’m good enough to patch you up after you get your ass kicked in a bar, but not good enough for whatever the hell is wrong with you now?”

 

“Because I fucking know what’s wrong and there’s nothing anyone can do about it!” Jim shouted, then seemed to wince at the volume of his own voice.

 

“What do you mean, you know what’s wrong?” What was he saying? A feeling of dread settled itself in the pit of Leonard’s stomach.

 

It must have shown on his face. Jim shook his head slightly, meeting Leonard’s gaze evenly, the anger draining out of him in favor of exhaustion. “It happens. I’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

 

“It happens?” Leonard asked incredulously. “Jim, readings like that just don’t happen.” Leonard resisted the urge to reopen his tricorder and revisit the issue.

 

“They do for me,” Jim sighed. “Look, Bones, I’m not going to Medical for this. So either accept it or activate the EMS on your way out.” Jim’s jaw was set and his voice held a definite note of finality.

 

Leonard’s forehead drew together in a scowl, as he seriously considered the second option. Jim’s readings weren’t critical, but they sure as hell weren’t normal for anyone. But Leonard also knew that following through on his bluff could damage their friendship beyond repair, not to mention making Jim dig his heels in even further from sheer contrariness. Fuck. So this was why Leonard had spent so long avoiding interpersonal relationships. The shitstorm of trouble they invariably brought with them.

 

Leonard sat down heavily on the adjoining bunk. “Be reasonable here, Jim. I can’t just leave you here like this. I’m a doctor, goddammit. I’m also your friend.”

 

Jim’s sighed tiredly. “I know, Bones. And I wouldn’t tell you that it’s nothing if it wasn’t. This happens every time.”

 

Every what? Leonard took in Jim’s wan appearance anew. Every month? Leonard asked him as much.

 

Jim’s face twisted into a grimace. The noise he made was halfway between a grunt and an affirmation.

 

“You go through this with every heat?”

 

The grimace turned into a frown. “Get a little more fucking personal, why don’t you, Bones?”

 

Leonard rolled his eyes, and leveled Jim with his patented grow-the-fuck-up expression. “Don’t be such an infant,” he told his friend.

 

Jim’s expression darkened again. “I feel like shit, you bust in to here point a tricorder at me, give me a ration of crap, threaten me and call me names. You’ve done your doctorly duty, now kindly fuck off and let me sleep.” With movements that were far less smooth than his usual fluid form, Jim swung himself back into bed, facing pointedly away from Leonard, and drew the covers up over his ears. The sneakers Leonard had tossed on the bed went rolling back onto the floor, unheeded.

 

Leonard considered pushing further, even after this last dose of Jim Kirk melodrama. And decided on the seldom-traveled middle road. He rose from the edge of the other bunk. “I’ll be here before classes tomorrow to check you out. If your readings aren’t a whole hell of a lot better, you’re keeping that date with Medical.

 

The only answer Leonard got for his trouble was a noncommittal noise and the disappearance of the top of Jim’s head under the covers.

 

Leonard let himself out, reopening his tricorder once he was out in the hallway. Hormone levels in a riot, low-level disruption in some of Jim’s autonomic functions, depressed vitals. The pattern of dysfunction triggered something in the back of his mind; knowledge acquired years ago, seen in theory but not in practice.

 

Leonard made his way from Jim’s dorm towards Medical, his brain still turning over the problem. He had colleagues to consult.

 

***

 

Leonard McCoy had never been particularly well-versed in the art of leaving well enough alone. His ex-wife had referred to the tendency as pig-headedness. Leonard preferred to think of it as being thorough. The fact that it was Jim’s health in question made it personal on a level where there might have otherwise been a measure of detachment.

 

Doctor Falman, for her part, examined the readings on the tricorder with the look of a scientist who had just stumbled upon a singularly fascinating case study.  Which was pretty much the case. As a fellow specializing in the study of the three human subspecies, she was the most likely person to weigh in on the information stored in Leonard’s tricorder. While her field of expertise was particularly in how the three groups related and thrived in the relative isolation of deep-space missions, Leonard was still confident that she would be of some help.

 

He just hadn’t counted on how enlightening the visit would be. The other Doctor was practically drooling over the data, and was not shy in expressing her desire to include it in her personal research. Leonard had several times, shell-shocked with revelations, declined rather pointedly. Leonard left Falman’s office feeling numb. By the time he found himself in front of Jim’s dorm for the second time that day, the numbness had been replaced with a sense of righteous anger and a growing sense of dread over the words that were very definitely about to be exchanged.

 

He hoped Jim was feeling better. Because it might impinge on Leonard’s ethics to kill an ill man.

 

 

[CHAPTER 12]

 

When the chime rang insistently for the second time that day, Jim knew. Despite psi ratings that were practically in the toilet, he just knew that he was screwed.

 

Bones’ voice through the door comm, a measured, hard tone, only confirmed this.

 

Jim should have known, really, from the moment Bones had turned the tricorder on him, that this was coming. Maybe it had been coming from the moment they had become friends. Bones was in no way, shape or form a stupid man. And one only had to hear him talk about his field to realize that he was a brilliant doctor. Put the two together, and Jim was fucked. It had been wishful thinking, really, to think he could maintain the façade forever.

 

Jim heaved himself out of his bunk, his aching body protesting the motion and his head swimming slightly as he stood. He was not going to have this confrontation from his bed, no matter how shitty he felt. He straightened himself into as dignified a figure he could cut in a set of ratty grey sweats, and met the oncoming storm at the door, which slid smoothly open at Jim’s command. Bones’ face was blank and hard behind the upheld tricorder display, which boded worse than any raging scowl.

 

“Care to explain?” Bones asked in a flat tone that mirrored his expression.

 

Jim thought about making a crack, something to bring some levity to the situation. Then decided against it. It would not be well-received. “Why don’t you tell me, Bones? Looks like you already have your explanation. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here. Again.”

 

Jim walked into the living area and dropped himself heavily into a desk chair. Not surprisingly, Bones remained standing in the center of the small room, his form radiating tension. Christ. This was such a clusterfuck.

 

“I’m here for your goddamn explanation,” Bones ground out evenly, clearly clutching at the reins of his temper.

 

Jim sighed tiredly. He wasn’t ready for this. Give him a hundred years and he wouldn’t be ready for this. “What do you want to hear, Bones?”

 

The doctor finally lost his blank demeanor, his face twisting into a confused frown. “I want to hear that you aren’t doing this to yourself.”

 

Jim quashed the urge to wince at the older man’s expression. He would have rather an angry confrontation, the one he had been sure was coming. He could have dealt with that. He couldn’t deal with the betrayed expression on Bones’ face. Jim shrugged, aware of how flippant, how dismissive the gesture must have come across.

 

Right on cue, Bones’ face deepened into a severe scowl. “Fucking suppressants, Jim?”

 

Again, Jim shrugged. “Suppressants,” Jim confirmed, his voice almost a challenge.

 

“How long?”

 

Jim didn’t bother prevaricating. There was no point. “About five years.”

 

The doctor’s expression faltered slightly in his shock. “Five years? Do you have any idea what that long on suppressants could do to you?” he asked incredulously.

 

Jim fought the urge to roll his eyes. “Yeah, I read the warning label, Bones.”

 

Bones’ face regained his confused expression. “Then are you crazy? Because I know you’re not stupid, Jim.”

 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

 

“Shut up,” Bones told him sharply, in full-on doctor mode. “Drug toxicity, permanent infertility, autonomic nervous dysfunction. And those are just a few of the risks. Worst case scenario is endocrine crisis and that can kill you! So tell me Jim, what the hell is worth all that?”

 

“It’s complicated.”

 

“Then uncomplicate it for me.”

 

The urge to avert his gaze from Bones’ own stare was overwhelming. Jim resisted, refusing to back down. He wanted to rage at the other man that what the fuck did he know? He would never have to get on his knees for anyone. Would never have to worry about whether he was going to get kicked while he was down there. Would never have to deal with his body’s own betrayal on a monthly basis. He was an alpha. Jim shook his head. “You wouldn’t understand,” Jim replied simply. The words sounded as petulant out loud as they did inside his head.

 

From Bones’ expression, he found them to be also. “Well I sure as shit won’t if you don’t explain it,” the older man protested, clearly exasperated by Jim’s evasiveness.

 

It was a testament to their relationship that Jim didn’t tell Bones to mind his own fucking business. Instead, Jim quickly tried to formulate some sort of explanation that would appease the doctor without revealing all of his own secrets. Jim had spent years erecting walls around the memory of his eighteenth year, around his own vulnerability and naiveté. And Bones was turning them all to ash.

 

Jim drew in a breath, looking off somewhere to the left of center. Shamefully, he couldn’t seem to look Bones in the eye and say the words at the same time. “I manifested at sixteen. There weren’t exactly a whole lot of supports in my life. Things went badly. I fucked up.” Jim huffed humorless laugh. “I fucked up a lot. Thought it would be better to avoid the whole issue. I didn’t really care about the consequences at eighteen.”

 

“Well you’re twenty-two now.  And your answer is still to subvert every law of your own biology, no matter the risk? We’re talking about your life here, Jim.” The other man clearly found Jim’s explanation lackluster, and from the way his brows were drawn together, more than a little confusing. Bones focused on Jim with a penetrating gaze. Jim felt like that look could see through him; like all his secret shames were about to be laid bare. “What could be so bad to warrant five years of suppressants and suffering?” Bones asked him bluntly. “What happened?”

 

What could be so bad? The absurdity of the question, of the entire situation, struck Jim all at once and he couldn’t help the laughter that burst out. It was a bitter sound with a creeping edge of hysteria. All of a sudden it was too much, and Bones was too close. The memories from five years ago were suddenly close enough to touch. The shame and the anger rose up like a fucking tsunami. Jim’s face twisted into a mutinous expression. “I told you what happened,” Jim replied, his voice hard.

 

Bones fairly started at Jim’s swift change in demeanor. He recovered quickly, to his credit. “Relax, Jim,” he said in a tone that was probably used to placate his more hysterical patients. It grated on Jim’s already raw nerves.

 

“Fuck relax. You bust in here and give me a ration of shit about my choices, but they're my fucking choices,” he hissed.

 

“And I’m your friend, goddammit. I’d be a shit friend, not to mention a shit doctor, if I didn’t do something about the danger you’re putting yourself in,” Bones defended, his own expression hardening.

 

“You may be my friend, but you’re not my keeper. It’s not your life to do something about. Go doctor your actual patients, doctor.” The last word was hurled like an epithet.

 

“Well excuse me for giving a shit about what happens to you,” Bones growled.

 

And that was the problem, wasn’t it? No one had cared enough before to try to break down all of Jim’s barriers. Because Jim had latched onto Bones’ offer of friendship all those months ago, this was the price. And after tonight he would lose that friendship, if the price for keeping it was total disclosure.

 

So be it.

 

“Thanks for your concern,” Jim shot back dismissively.

 

“Dammit, Jim –“

 

“It’s late, and I’m tired,” Jim cut the other man off, rising stiffly from the chair. “You know where the door is.” He brushed past Bones, whose expression warred between concern and anger.

 

“Jim-“

 

The other man’s words were cut off as Jim swiftly crossed into the bedroom proper and tabbed the door shut, locking it, not that he thought Bones would try to follow. Jim had been clear enough, insulting enough in his dismissal. Bones would leave. He would walk out of Jim’s life, and Jim would see him for the next three years in class or across campus, and they would pointedly not talk about how they had once been friends.

 

Jim listened, staring at the bed where he had yesterday brought himself off to fantasies of the man in the other room. He waited for the sound of the outer door, for the sound of Bones’ heavy tread as he exited. Sure enough, it was only a few moments before he heard them.

 

He padded over to his bunk and collapsed onto it gracelessly. He was still sore, his head was killing him, and now there was a heaviness in his chest that had not been there an hour earlier. Jim curled into himself on the bed, the voice of his newly reawakened shame warring with the voice that told him he had just let something rare and precious slip through his fingers.

 

[CHAPTER 13]

 

 

Sleep did not come easily to Leonard that night. He vacillated between extremes of emotion.

 

Concern continued to war with anger for superiority, one refusing to yield to the other. Jim had dismissed Leonard’s concerns out of hand, had done it rudely and crudely and refused to listen to reason. Goddammit, he could kill himself with those drugs.

 

Leonard allowed himself to internalize that thought for a moment, and the feeling was like being punched in the sternum. Admittedly, that was a worst case scenario. There were plenty of other unpleasant, but nonlethal potential outcomes. But the physiology of Jim Kirk, Leonard knew from experience, frequently dealt in worst-case scenarios. Not to mention the fact that Leonard’s pessimistic mind naturally gravitated to the most dire of possibilities.

 

What would it be like to get that comm?  Or to be there when it happened?  To wake up one day to find that the man who had become a singular fixture in his life was no longer among the living? Leonard had seen plenty of death, professionally and personally: both patients and family. He fought against it not just for a living, but because it was ingrained into his personality, into the very fabric of who he was. But the thought of it happening to Jim, who Leonard drank with and bitched with and studied with, and who occasionally turned to Leonard with the kind of expression that made his insides buzz in response? The thought of Jim succumbing, of him hurting, of him actually dying? The thought made Leonard feel like someone had poured ice water into his veins.

 

Leonard’s mind began to turn over the possibilities, first as he sat in his room, a tumbler of bourbon in hand, and then as he lay in his bunk. He was not naturally gifted in tactics like Jim was. But he had all the motivation in the world. The answer came easily enough. But the rest of the night was spent fitfully running through scenarios and probable outcomes and potential approaches. It was very likely Jim would hate him afterwards, but he would be alive to do it.

 

If their friendship was the price he had to pay for Jim’s life, so be it.

 

 

[CHAPTER 14]

 

Jim had not simply been placating his friend when he told Bones he would feel better in the morning. Not one hundred percent better, for sure, but enough to get to class and function. He woke early, eschewing his early morning run for an extra long hot water shower that helped massage the last of the soreness out of his muscles.

 

He had slept poorly, portions of last night’s argument with Bones replaying itself in his mind over and over. Jim was not normally prone to second-guessing himself, but he couldn’t help but think that he could have handled it better. Bones had been trying to help, in his own alarmist way. It wasn’t Bones’ fault that he stumbled on shit that Jim had been trying to bury for years

 

But why couldn’t the man leave well enough alone? Jim had managed to function for five years on inhibitors without any major catastrophes, although the fallout was becoming more and more of a bitch. The confused look on Bones’ face returned to Jim as he stared at his own reflection in the mirror. The doctor’s expression had morphed from concern, to confusion, to anger, and finally to a blank look that defied categorization. It was the look of someone disconnecting, and the memory of it caused something in Jim to clench.

 

And why wouldn’t Bones pull away after the way Jim had talked to him? But what else could Jim do, and still keep his own secret shames hidden?

 

Jim spat his toothpaste into the sink and rinsed his mouth out. Then frowned at himself in the mirror. He was still on the pale side, his features drawn. Shadows hung below his eyes. To the casual observer, he looked overtired. Only Jim knew the reason behind it. And Bones, now. With whom Jim was probably not on speaking terms after his performance yesterday. Jim cursed under his breath.

 

He padded into the bedroom for his uniform, thankful as usual for his roommate’s penchant for early mornings and late evenings in the science labs. Jim was still half dressed when the door chime rang. He walked into the living area, pulling his undershirt on before tabbing the bedroom door shut behind him.

 

“Come in.”

 

Jim hoped he managed to hide the gobsmacked look on his face when the door opened to reveal the one person he thought would surely not be gracing his doorstep for the foreseeable future. The customary frown played between Bones’ brows as he stepped into the room. Jim felt himself being sized up by the other man’s gaze.

 

“Bones.” Jim was unable to keep the surprise from his voice.

 

“Told you I’d be here. That poison you’re taking effect your memory too?”

 

Bones had said that, hadn’t he? In between bouts of cursing and trading insults. “I’m just surprised you actually came,” Jim said.

 

“You mean after you told me to fuck off?” Bones said in a flat tone.

 

Jim shrugged, suppressing the wince he felt at the blunt statement of truth. “Yeah.”

 

“Well, it ain’t a social call,” Bones replied gruffly, fishing his tricorder out from his case. “I said I’d be here to check you over. And if you aren’t a hell of a lot better, I’ll make good on dragging you to Medical.”  The doctor pointed the device at the man who was apparently still his friend. Or, barring that, at least his responsibility.

 

Jim bit his tongue against a retort while the tricorder digested all of his biosigns for the doctor’s perusal. Bones sported an upraised eyebrow as he studied the readout. His face wore a slightly sour expression so typical that would have brought a smile to Jim’s face under other circumstances.

 

“Better,” Bones admitted in a voice that managed to be clinical and slightly surprised at the same time. “Vitals have normalized, your hormones are still fluctuating on the high side, but at least it’s the high side of normal.”

 

Jim couldn’t help his curiosity. “As opposed to?”

 

Bones glared at him. “The high side of high.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“’Oh?’” Bones asked sourly. “Just, ‘oh?'”

 

Jim couldn’t help quirking a half-smile. “What do you want? A dance?”

 

“Maybe I want you to stop risking your health by contravening all the natural laws of your own biology.”

 

“Good luck with that, man. Now I gotta get to class. Don’t want to be late for another stimulating lecture on the history of first contact.” He reached for the uniform jacket that was draped over his chair, shrugging it on. Jim was grinning. He couldn’t help it, despite the fact that Bones appeared to be nowhere near letting this go. This morning Jim had been wallowing in melodramatic angst, sure that he had lost his only real friend in the world. And here Bones was, giving him shit, and taking his shit just like he did every day. Disaster averted. He was halfway past Bones, on the way to the door when the older man grabbed him by the elbow.

 

“Now hold it just one minute, Jim.” Bones’ voice was a firm, his face not just stern, but positively grim. Any smart-assed retort that Jim was preparing died when he took in that expression.

 

“You are going to stop taking those suppressants.”

 

Jim tried to pull away, but found that Bones’ grip was as hard as his expression. “What the fuck, Bones? I thought we covered this last night.” Jim tried to keep his voice even, tried not to repeat last night’s mistakes, but he’d be damned if Bones was getting all up in his face over something that was none of his business. “I’m taking them, you disapprove. We have an understanding. Just let it go, Bones.”

 

“I can’t do that,” Bones said, his expression changing into something almost like sadness. “You are going to stop, or ‘Fleet Medical is going to make you stop.”

 

It took a moment for Jim to process the fact that he was actually being threatened by his best friend. He jerked his elbow forcefully out of the other man’s grip. “What the fuck?” he repeated angrily. “You reported me?”

 

“Not yet. And I won’t. Not if you stop using.”

 

“Fuck you, Bones.” Jim couldn’t help the feeling of betrayal from coloring his voice and expression. “Suppressants are legal. You can’t do shit about it, so just let it go.”

 

“Chapter 46, Subsection 9 of the academy regs say that ‘any cadet deemed medically unfit for duty shall be suspended at the discretion of Starfleet Medical pending resolution of said condition or until such a time as medical deems them again fit for duty.’”

 

“You, of all people, are quoting fucking regulations to me?” The absurdity would have made Jim laugh, if he wasn’t so busy aching from the knife in his back.

 

Bones lifted his tricorder up to Jim’s face. “This is what your readings were last night. Next time they will be worse. And they will get progressively more severe with subsequent use of those damned things. Eventually they will debilitate you to a point where you could be a liability to yourself and anyone you serve with. At some point, they may kill you.”

 

Jim simply glared at Bones beyond the display of the tricorder, his own eyes full of anger and betrayal.

 

The arm with the device dropped back to the doctor’s side. “Now I don’t know what happened to you. Because you won’t tell me. I don’t know what makes you not give a shit about whether you live or die. But, fuck you, Jim, I do. So cuss me out, hate me, throw me out of this room, but don’t make the mistake of thinking I’m not serious about this.” Bones’ expression, his voice, broke just enough that Jim felt an unwanted pang of sympathy for the man who was currently standing in his dorm room blackmailing him.

 

“Real fucking noble of you.” Jim hated that some of the anger had burned out of him at Bones’ words. He desperately tried to imagine the rest of his life at the mercy of his biology, without the help of the suppressants. Getting down on his knees for strangers, or worse, for friends who betrayed you in the end. The feeling of impotent anger returned with force.

 

Jim stalked into his room, reaching into the bedside drawer for a bottle full of the substance that had kept him going for the last five years. He stalked back to the common area, his back ramrod straight, despite the lingering ache in his muscles.  The way he tossed the pills to Bones was almost nonchalant. His words were not.

 

“Fine. Choke on them. Now get out.”

 

Bones just stood there for a moment. Looking at Jim with eyes that were somehow sad and resigned and determined all at once.

 

Jim wanted to shout at the other man. Stop looking at me like that. Stop looking at me like I ended something. You were the one who ended it. This friendship … this relationship … this whatever-it-was that they had, but wouldn’t have anymore after today.

 

Because how could they go on like nothing happened after Bones stabbed him in the back like this. And after Jim had –

 

Fuck it. Jim had done nothing but protect himself.

 

Jim watched as Bones finally, blankly and obligingly turned and walked out the door. The soft hiss as it closed behind him felt like a note of finality.

 

Jim collapsed into his chair, all the fight and all the adrenaline deserting him at once, leaving him with a hollow feeling. He couldn’t say how long he sat there, until a ping from his nearby padd alerted him.  Rather than the get-to-class reminder he expected, it was a comm from the Office of Cadets, telling him that his medical excuse for yesterday’s absences had been received. The attached copy, listing some common and nonspecific illness, sported the signature of one Leonard H. McCoy, MD.

 

The irony of it was not lost on Jim.

 

 

[CHAPTER 15]

 

When Jim had kicked Bones so forcefully out of his dorm room and out of his life, he had not stopped to consider what it would be like to see the man day in and day out and not be able to talk to him, eat with him, study with him, drink with him, or otherwise just be with him. To do more than just occupy the same geographical area and attempt to ignore each other.

 

On a campus full of a few thousand people, Leonard McCoy seemed suddenly everywhere. He and Jim had traveled together in much the same extracurricular orbit; having become so accustomed to each other that their patterns overlapped even when they no longer wanted them to overlap.

 

It created a hollow feeling watching the other man from a distance. The hollowness sat inside Jim’s gut alongside the dread that had lived in him ever since he handed over his suppressants. Jim had tried, in the first week after their blowout, to hold onto his sense of righteous indignation. The first few days it was easy; anger fueled by the dread of having to go through his heat unaided for the first time in five years. But time eroded the feeling of anger like so much sand, leaving only trepidation and a hollow melancholy. If what Bones had said was true, and Jim couldn’t think of an instance where Bones had been wrong about anything medical, Jim’s time on the suppressants had been limited. But would Bones really have handed Jim over to ‘Fleet Medical? Would Bones really have sold him out?

 

Yeah, he probably would have. Jim tried to drum up some anger at that, but could find only a little. Only a vague sense of betrayal alongside the knowledge that Bones had been doing it all because he was afraid that Jim might actually die.

 

I don’t know what makes you not give a shit about whether you live or die. But, fuck you, Jim, I do.

 

And that was what really scared the shit out of Jim Kirk. Having someone who cared enough that they would be willing to lose you rather than watch you lose yourself. Jim had a long, rich and personal history as a disappointment. His mother, his brother, Frank, even Gary the Bastard had found Jim wanting in some way. But Bones had stood there in the middle of his dorm room and taken everything Jim’s temper had to offer, the anger and the insults both. Somewhere along the line, Leonard McCoy had decided that a relationship with Jim Kirk was worth time and effort.

 

Well, Jim had shown him, hadn’t he?

 

 

[CHAPTER 16]

 

When Leonard had devised the plan to boot Jim forcefully of the suppressants, he had known that it would probably cost him the single strongest relationship in his life at present. He hadn’t, however, considered what it would be like to have to see the other man, day in and day out.

 

He saw him in the mess, on the quad, in the hallways. And finally, they had to face each other in class. He knew Jim had picked up on it too; the curious stares of the other students in Piloting 101. Of course the fresh-faced cadets noticed that the two men who were generally thick-as-thieves were suddenly not giving each other the time of day.

 

It hurt like a bitch, and not just because Leonard had no Jim Kirk to distract him from his aviophobic neuroses. It hurt far worse than he had anticipated. How could Leonard have made such a connection to this man in a scant six months that it stung so sorely when it was ripped away?

 

The only time Leonard was sure to not encounter Jim was at Medical. Jim avoided the place like a particularly nasty plague. So Leonard, fully cognizant of his own cowardice, purposely spent even more of his time there. He even volunteered to pick up some shifts in the clinic, secure in the knowledge that while many of his colleagues annoyed him and the student body frustrated him, that Medical was the one place where he would never run into Jim Kirk.

 

Until he did.

 

 

[CHAPTER 17]

 

When Leonard saw Jim’s name on the clinic’s triage report, next to the words “suspected rib fracture and multiple contusions,” his first inclination was to march into the exam room and give the man a tongue-lashing for his damn-fool reckless behavior. The list of injuries read like the results of a patented Jim Kirk bar brawl.

 

His second inclination, arrived at after a moment’s thought, was to hand the case off to someone who could actually come within shouting distance of impartiality.

 

His third, and ultimately final inclination, was to suck it up, walk into the exam room, and act like the fucking professional he was.

 

Jim sat on the edge of the biobed, shirtless and already beginning to bruise impressively. He leaned awkwardly on his arm, clearly favoring his left side. His eyes widened slightly as he watched Leonard enter the room. Then Jim let out a small huff of a laugh, followed by a wince and a curse.

 

“My sentiments exactly,” Leonard said acerbically, maintaining his distance a few feet from where Jim sat. “Imagine my lack of surprise when I saw what you were in here for.” The doctor eyeballed the impressive cut on Jim’s forehead and the developing shiner around his left eye. “Let me guess: you decided to donate some blood to the floor of the local barroom?”

 

Jim gave a half-shrug on his good side. “What can I say, Doctor, you know me too well.”

 

Up until recently, Leonard would have agreed with that sentiment. “Lie back on the bed and let me survey the damage,” he ordered.

 

Jim tried to comply, but from the hitching of his breath and the awkwardness of his movements, he wasn’t going to succeed without a sizeable amount of pain. A healer’s nature took over, and Leonard moved forward to help, stabilizing Jim’s injured side. Jim accepted his help with a surprising amount of forbearance.

 

As Leonard leaned in to help the other man lie back, a familiar scent assaulted him. Totally inappropriate for the context, but unmistakable, the tang of omega pheromones lingered in the air. Leonard was momentarily transported back to the moment almost two weeks ago when that seductive mix of chemicals had first reached him, at the time causing a stab of want so strong it had been shocking in its intensity.

 

If Leonard’s touch lingered on bare skin a few moments longer than was necessary, Jim was preoccupied enough that he didn’t notice. Jim’s teeth were gritted against his own discomfort at the change in position, his muscles tensed in pain beneath Leonard’s hands.  Leonard’s own jaw was set as he struggled against his body’s rebellious response to the stimuli. It was neither the time nor the place, and Leonard would probably never regain his place in Jim’s life. Nonetheless, the cool voice of rationality didn’t stop Leonard’s senses from inundating him with a flood of desire. Leonard ruthlessly quashed his response to the enticing reach of Jim’s pheromones, and stepped away, feeling a wrenching in his gut as he did so.

 

The biobed quickly took stock of Jim’s injuries while Leonard loaded a hypospray full of analgesic, injecting it as gently as he could manage in the side of Jim’s neck. Next he administered a local muscle relaxant to the site of the injury. Leonard watched with approval as some of Jim’s tension immediately began easing.

 

The two fractured ribs were the worst of the lot. No concussion, despite the nasty gash in the forehead. Multiple bruises and contusions. Painful, but easy enough to heal with a regen unit. The fact that Jim was bleeding pheromones outside of his heat was enough to cause the doctor concern.

 

Leonard quickly tabbed the bioscreen to the readout for endocrine function. Heightened activity in Jim’s apocrine and eccrine glands, plus the tantalizing scent which lingered subtly in Leonard’s own senses told him all he needed to know.

 

“You’ve got cracks in two of your ribs and a shitload of bruising. And you’re bleeding pheromones. Could be a side effect of stopping the suppressants. I should have thought of that.” He couldn’t keep the note of self-recrimination out of his voice.

 

He should have thought of that. His reservations about his own medical judgment where Jim was concerned had been damn well founded. He was too close to Jim, cared about him too much, had let fear overwhelm what should have been impartial medical judgment. A wash of shame warred with lingering feelings of arousal.

 

Jim was looking at him with an inscrutable expression from the biobed, saying nothing yet taking in everything as Leonard stepped away to program the dispensary and load the resulting cocktail into a hypo.

 

“If that’s a suppressant, I think I’ll die from irony.”

 

Leonard frowned at the younger man before emptying to contents of the hypo into Jim’s neck. Jim winced at the sensation. “It’s a cocktail of stabilizers. Should help regulate hormone and pheromone production. You may feel a little tired for the next 24 hours.”

 

“As opposed to how great I feel now,” Jim intoned sarcastically.

 

Leonard’s frown turned into a glare as he pulled out the regen units from where they sat beside the biobed. At least he was prepared this time when, as he touched Jim’s skin to strap the units into place, a subtle seductive scent teased his senses.

 

Leonard’s hands didn’t falter, but something must have showed on his expression. Jim, no longer distracted by his own discomfort, looked at Leonard with a wary but questioning gaze. Leonard ignored it, working as quickly and efficiently as he could to set the regen units.

 

“Don’t mess with the units, and try not to move too much,” he recited as he finished his task, finally able to free his hands from Jim’s skin.

 

“Yeah, I remember the drill,” Jim replied, surprising Leonard with the note of melancholy in his voice. Melancholy where before there had been anger tinged with betrayal.

 

Leonard excused himself before he revealed exactly how conflicted his own feelings had become, giving the units time to do their work. He busied himself with the patient in exam room C in the interim, another cadet who had apparently joined the same brawlers' club of which Jim Kirk was a member.  Although the man breezily informed Leonard that he had simply gotten carried away during a bout of hand-to-hand. As if Leonard had been born yesterday. On the way back to Jim’s room Leonard grumbled to himself about idiots who lied to their doctors.

 

Jim was surprisingly still lying in the biobed, regen units firmly in place. Leonard had half-expected to find him gone, considering his legendary allergy to Medical.

 

Jim refocused his gaze from the bland white ceiling to Leonard. “Yeah, I’m still here,” the younger man confirmed, as if reading Leonard’s thoughts. “Can I get out of these fucking things now?” He squirmed slightly as if to emphasize.

 

Leonard unsuccessfully fought the urge to roll his eyes, moving to unstrap the regen units after confirming that Jim’s ribs were indeed healed. He then went to work with the dermal regenerator, repairing the forehead laceration, healing the worst of the bruises and repairing abraded knuckles. Jim regarded him all the while with a tinge of wariness.

 

No pheromones reached Leonard’s senses this time, although even without them there was no escaping the intimacy of Leonard’s hands on Jim’s bare skin. The stabilizers had done their job. Jim was just Jim again. The man who Leonard had once mistaken for a scentless beta. Leonard felt an irrational feeling of anger towards the drugs that had suppressed such an integral part of the man who until recently had been his best friend.

 

“So, you wanna tell me?” Jim asked suddenly, as Leonard was healing the last of the bruises.

 

Leonard didn’t look up from where he worked, his hand stabilizing the skin just above Jim’s newly-healed ribs. “Tell you what?”

 

“Why you can’t look at me without going all broody and silent or looking like you want to bolt.”

 

Leonard was vaguely insulted. “I don’t brood.”

 

“Yes you do. It’s just a very scowly brood.”

 

Leonard shut off the dermal regenerator, looking at Jim evenly. He was tired of prevaricating, tired of circling around this. “You’re an omega bleeding pheromones. I’m an alpha. You figure it out.”

 

Jim’s eyes widened slightly before his lips curled up into an utterly humorless smile. “Fucking omega. It fucks up everything.”

 

Leonard bit his tongue for once, though he wanted to ask how Jim could be fucked-up simply by being who he was. “It’s not being omega that fucked things up,” he said instead.

 

“Then what was it?”

 

Leonard didn’t back down from Jim’s challenging gaze. “It was you lying to me. It was you not giving a shit about risking your life.”

 

Jim’s expression hardened. “It was about you being high-handed and blackmailing me.”

 

Leonard shrugged. “Yeah,” he admitted laconically.

 

Jim’s jaw clenched momentarily before he turned to stare at the ceiling again. “It’s harder to hate you when you just admit it like that.”

 

“Sorry,” Leonard replied unapologetically, still surprised at the turn the conversation had taken. “I could be a dick and make it easier for you.”

 

Jim sighed heavily, tiredly, still studying the ceiling. “You’re a hard guy to hate, I guess. Even when you fuck up my life.”

 

“Right back at ya.”

 

The silence held for a moment.  Leonard focused on Jim.  Jim focused on some far-off point.  Then the younger man abruptly swung his legs off the bed and sat up, signaling the end of the somewhat surreal conversation.

 

Leonard went with it, tabbing off the biobed, and setting aside the regen units for sterilization. “Watch the strenuous activity for the next 48 hours,” he recited. “Hold off on the running. No lifting more than –“

 

“Yeah, no hand-to-hand, no bar fights, I’m-a-doctor-not-a-repairman, blah blah blah,” Jim rolled his eyes, sliding off the edge of the bed and pulling his shirt back on.

 

Leonard grunted his annoyance, grabbed his padd and made a notation in Jim’s chart. His hand hovered for a moment over the field that designated the cause of injury. Jim would get stiffed with a shitload of demerits for this. He looked up to find Jim still standing there with an indecipherable look on his face.

 

“Don’t get me wrong, what you did pissed me off,” Jim said evenly. "It still pisses me off. And I hate the way you went about it. But I don’t hate you. I leveled plenty of shit at you too.”

 

Leonard should have probably been ashamed at the flood of relief that washed over him at the admission. “Yeah, well I hate what you were doing to yourself. I hate that you didn’t give a thought for anyone who cares about you. But I don’t suppose I hate you either.”

 

Jim’s only response was a nod, before he turned to exit the room, the door opening with a soft whoosh. He was just crossing the threshold when his step faltered. He hovered in the doorway, his shoulders suddenly tensing.

 

Leonard set his padd aside, moving to the doorway. “Jim?”

 

A man’s voice cut through the air, the tone mocking. “Got them to make you all pretty again, huh? Don’t suppose you rethought my offer?”

 

Leonard recognized the lying idiot from C room. The man’s lips were twisted up in a lewd smile, posture radiating dominance from where he stood in the hallway.

 

“Fuck off,” Jim ground out, his jaw set like granite.

 

Lying Idiot took an exaggerated sniff. “Smelled better before. Wonder who took care of that for you?”

 

“That would be me,” Leonard said coldly, stepping smoothly past the seething Jim and into the hallway. “The doctor you just lied to about how you got those injuries.”

 

Lying Idiot’s eyes widened slightly in recognition, before his expression settled back into a smirk, all alpha posturing and false bravado. “I don’t know what you mean, doctor.”

 

Behind Leonard, Jim was still tense and radiating alarm. Inside Leonard, something primal snapped and snarled at the interloper, the other alpha who was trying to threaten one of Leonard’s own.

 

Outwardly, he leveled the interloper with his most withering glare, taking a step forward into the other man’s space, making it personal. “You have two choices. You can walk out of here without another word, before I call security. Or you can keep on harassing my patient and I’ll make sure you’re in urge management therapy until you can damn well behave yourself.”

 

The idiot (his name was Foster, Leonard dimly recalled, although he thought "idiot" was more apt) held his ground for a moment more, his eyes full of impotent anger.   For a moment, Leonard thought he might have to make good on his threat.  Then the other man let out a disdainful huff and stalked off down the hall.

 

“That’s what I thought,” Leonard muttered, feeling himself come down of the sudden surge of adrenaline.

 

“What the fuck was that?” Jim hissed from behind him.

 

Leonard didn’t turn around, choosing instead to watch Idiot’s retreating back until he was well out of sight. “That was me trying to keep some semblance of order in this clinic. And I can’t do it with assholes like him throwing their weight around. Or with you standing there spoiling to undo all my hard work.”

 

“I don’t need you to fight my battles for me.”

 

Leonard felt like sighing. “I didn’t say that you did, Jim.” He turned around to meet the younger man’s stormy gaze.

 

“And I don’t need anyone’s protection.” Jim looked wary, defensive, as if Leonard were suddenly as much an enemy as Foster had been.

 

“I know you don’t,” Leonard replied, feeling even more tired than the hour warranted. “But what is so bad about having someone in your corner? What are you so afraid of?”

 

If Leonard hadn’t known Jim so well, he might have missed the minute flinch, the sudden flicker of the gaze that told him he had just scored a direct hit. “That’s it, isn’t it? You’re afraid. Of what? Of relying on someone?”

 

“Leave it alone, Bones.”

 

“I don’t think I will.” Leonard lowered his voice to avoid the prying ears of his coworkers. “You don’t trust me. You don’t want to rely on me, or anyone else. You think I’ll let you down.”

 

Jim cast his eyes to the side, as if he couldn’t face Leonard and say the words. “Everyone looks out for themselves. That’s the way it is.”

 

Leonard felt suddenly, irrationally angry. His voice rose in his frustration. “Goddamn it, Jim. What the hell have I ever done to make you think that about me?”

 

“You fucking blackmailed me! You threatened me!” Jim hissed, his own anger rising.

 

The words left him before he could think, before he could stuff them down under layers of denial. “Because I don’t want to lose you!” Leonard shouted.

 

Jim’s lips parted, his eyes widening in shock at the sudden admission. Down the far end of the hall, came a low-level chattering. Two nurses huddled together, their attention completely and unsubtly on Leonard and Jim.

 

Leonard was suddenly too tired, too wrung-out and far too sober to deal with this situation.

 

“Go home, kid,” he told Jim quietly.

 

“Bones-“

 

“No,” Leonard cut the other man off. “Just leave it. Leave it and go home.”

 

Leonard turned on his heel, unable to bear the ghost of hurt in the other man’s expression at the sudden brush-off. Then Leonard walked toward his next patient, and away from Jim and all the unwanted revelations he inspired.

 

 

[CHAPTER 18]

 

Jim walked back to his dorm in a daze, his tread heavy, holding his jacket closed against the cool, damp night air. His mind churned.

 

You don‘t trust me.

 

The accusation sat like lead in Jim’s stomach. More so because it was true. He hadn’t trusted Bones. Was he even capable of trusting anyone? Or was he only capable of insulating himself, keeping a carefully gauged distance between himself and anyone who might hurt him?

 

You think I’ll let you down.

 

Jim had told himself that Bones had, in fact, let him down fucking spectacularly. Just like everyone else he had made the mistake of stupidly trusting back in Riverside. He had told himself that Bones’ threat to out him to the Academy was just another in a long line of disappointments.

 

Because I don’t want to lose you!

 

Was it really that simple? Bones had threatened to out him not because of some sense of disapproval or some overdeveloped dedication to the Hippocratic oath, but because he had been afraid for Jim? Had been trying to protect him?

 

I don’t need anyone’s protection.

 

He had told Bones that. Had spat it at him like Bones’ friendship was some kind of annoyance, some kind of stone around Jim’s neck.

 

Jim slowed his forward momentum, his eyes wide, the chill of the winter air forgotten. When had he become such a coward? At what point had he become so wrapped up in the cult of his own victimhood that he lashed out at the only person who cared about him rather than admit any kind of weakness?

 

He cursed under his breath. He cursed his own cowardice. He cursed Bones for shocking him into this introspective funk. He cursed every asshole in Riverside who gave him the shaft during his first twenty-two years of life. Mostly he cursed his broken ribs. Because there was nothing he’d rather do right now than head to the academy gym and beat the shit out of something. He wasn’t made for indulging in introspective angst. He was more inclined to take out his frustrations with his fists.

 

Which, come to think of it, was what started this whole clusterfuck of a night to begin with.

 

 

[CHAPTER 19]

 

The room was hazy. Unreal in the manner of things unimportant. The world was condensed to the space around them.

 

It smelled of sex and sweat and heat. Leonard’s side was comfortably warm where their bodies pressed together. The flesh under his hands was smooth, stretched over the defined musculature of a lean, male form. The sensation was familiar, as it should be. They had lain like this many times before, and would do so many times more. The knowledge created a feeling that was unrepentantly possessive and Leonard couldn’t help sliding a hand down, following the line of torso and hip and thigh.  His mate grumbled tiredly, the submissiveness of his heat replaced by his naturally irreverent personality.

 

Leonard couldn’t help the smile that broke through as he repeated the motion experimentally. He was rewarded with a repeated grumble and a halfhearted swat at his hand.

 

“Less pawing, more sleep,” his mate mumbled. Leonard could feel breath wafting over his skin with the words.

 

Leonard hummed noncommittally.

 

“Even when you’re dreaming, you’re a contrary bastard,” Jim muttered. “Why don’t you try sleeping?”

 

It was a useless request. It was hard-wired into an alpha to be watchful and protective after the tide of his mate’s heat receded, when an omega was exhausted and vulnerable.

 

As tempted as Leonard was to tease Jim further, he knew his mate was beyond weary, his energy reserves tapped by the frenetic nature of his own biology. Another smile ghosted across Leonard’s features as he felt Jim’s body again go slack and his breathing slow. Even in Leonard’s watchful state, he felt the warm weight of contentment.

 

Leonard remained sleepless while dreaming, until he woke like rising through water, his mind grasping for the last disappearing tendrils. And wondering, for some reason, why the space beside him felt so cold.

 

 

[CHAPTER 20]

 

Leonard was the last to arrive at the hangar, to his consternation. He didn’t need to be singled out in this class more than he already was. He had no illusions about his skills behind the helm of a shuttlecraft. He was easily the most inept pilot in the group, grousing long and loud to Jim on a regular basis that he was “a doctor, not a damn helmsman,” so why the hell did he need to learn to pilot one of these flying deathtraps anyway? He had no problems grasping the theory; it was the practice that made his stomach roll, his mind race and his feet positively itch for terra firma.

 

It had been a strange morning, his sleep last night filled with hazy dreams that he couldn’t quite manage to remember on waking. It had been a strange weekend, in fact, with that surreal encounter with Jim in the infirmary. The last time he had seen the other man, right before Leonard walked away, Jim’s eyes had been filled with shock and confusion. And a tinge of hurt that made something in Leonard’s insides turn hollow.

 

They were making quite a habit of walking away from each other lately.

 

Leonard gave in and scanned for Jim amid their small group. He was there, chatting with an attractive female cadet. He appeared animated and none the worse for wear after the weekend’s escapades. The woman beside him began to laugh, causing an answering grin to spread over Jim’s own face. Leonard was momentarily captivated by the sight.

 

Leonard was pulled out of his study by the barking voice of their instructor, a deceptively bland looking woman with ramrod straight posture and an unforgiving personality that could probably make iron bend to her will. The class quickly fell into military formation.

 

And because the universe apparently needed to demonstrate the perversity of its sense of humor, today the instructor assigned sims with random partners.

 

Leonard’s gaze immediately settled on Jim out of the corner of his eye. This was not good. He and Jim had gravitated towards each other in class the same way they gravitated to each other outside of it. They had formed a natural piloting pair from the beginning. Jim provided the grounding influence that helped Leonard get through the computer’s endless supply of hazardous simulated scenarios and terror-inducing disasters. Their instructor’s penchant for pulling random partnerships most certainly never worked in Leonard’s favor.

 

Today was no exception. He was partnered, ironically, with the young woman who had appeared so captivated with Jim earlier. She was a competent pilot, and Leonard managed to copilot for her with a minimum of fumbling and heart palpitations, operating the computer with enough skill not to get them mock-killed. Yet the woman’s icy stare afterwards told him that his performance left much to be desired.

 

His turn in the pilot’s seat was another story entirely. The second he strapped himself in, he felt the rising tide of anxiety that came with even simulated spaceflight. Jesus, what the fuck was he doing, putting himself through this for the privilege of heading out into the deadly black vacuum of space? Fuck. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t.

 

You can do this, Jim had told him the first time they sat in these seats together. Just break it down into steps. Forget about the sim part of it. It’s command and response. Input versus output.

 

Hands sluggishly began to travel over the controls, tabbing commands as Leonard tried to still the rush of blood in his ears.

 

You deal in scenarios all the time. You deal in lives, Bones. What’s a shitty little computer sim compared to that? Jim’s voice had been confident. Where did Jim get all that confidence? And confidence in Leonard, of all people?

 

Leonard tuned out the harsh, testy voice of his copilot, taking in the facts while doing his best to filter out the context. It was like a surgery, he told himself. Take the best approach, and when that isn’t effective, act quickly, act decisively. Alter the approach to one that has the greatest chance of success. Enter a command, enter a command, enter a command, until the positive outcome is achieved. No room for failure.

 

The sim went silent, the lights went up, and Leonard walked on wobbly legs out of the shuttle. He was greeted by the nonplussed faces of his classmates and the stony face of their instructor, who told him in no uncertain terms that his response time had been abysmal and he had been scant seconds from getting himself and his copilot killed.

 

Leonard gave the instructor her due acknowledgement and made a desperate beeline to the only person in the lot of them who mattered. Jim was standing off to the side slightly, looking squarely at Leonard and grinning fit to break his face. As it had earlier, something in Leonard illuminated at the sight.

 

Leonard was greeted with a slap on the shoulder and that brilliantly sunny expression, as if the past weeks had never happened.

 

“You kicked its ass, Bones,” Jim said with something akin to pride in his voice. “See. You can do it fine without me.”

 

No, I can’t. I didn’t. Goddammit, even when you’re gone you’re still here. Leonard wanted to explain, but something about it was too huge, and the utterance would be too irretrievable.

 

“You’re buying the first round tonight, kid,” was what came out instead.

 

 

[CHAPTER 21]

 

Kirk, J.T.: Where are you?

McCoy, L.H.: Medical. Working.

Kirk, J.T.: Till when?

McCoy, L.H.: Till 2300. Why?

 

Leonard waited for the answering ping on his comm, but none came. He tried to brush it off. The other man was probably just trolling for a drinking partner on a Saturday night. And Jim was a grown man, as often as Leonard referred to him otherwise. He could take care of himself.

 

Despite doing his best to put Jim out of his mind, Leonard spent the rest of his shift checking his comm between patients. Then swearing under his breath, cursing damn-fool reckless best friends and his own self for being so pathetic. There was really no reason for him to be so alarmist, he told himself. He should save his concern for a week from now.

 

One week. God help him, he was counting. Leonard had been vaguely horrified when he realized he was actually marking the time. Days into weeks. One week gone. Two weeks gone. Three weeks. Days to go. Hours to go, really. Because what are days but hours strung together? Leonard had set this ball in motion with his actions, he told himself. He was responsible, at least in part. He was concerned. As a doctor and a friend.

 

Leonard frowned into the rim of his coffee as he settled down to dictate a note on his last patient for the night. The last in a line of bone-headed accidents, unfortunate mishaps, common ailments and the occasional bout of sheer idiocy. He closed his dictation and double checked his orders, then, without thought, checked his comm again.

 

Yup. Pathetic. He’d give Jim so much shit for this tomorrow.

 

The walk back across campus was cool and damp, with few people scattered about. He paused at the juncture that marked the halfway point between’s Jim’s dorm and his own. Glancing between the two directions and weighing his options.

 

“Goddammit,” he cursed. Leonard reached for his comm and keyed in Jim’s number, glowering at the device as he did so. It went straight to voicemail. Leonard’s scowl deepened as he shoved the comm back in his pocket, and headed with plodding steps to his dorm, trying to dismiss the niggling feeling in the back of his mind that something was wrong.

 

Leonard keyed in the entry code to his room, stepping tiredly through the door as soon as it opened.

 

“You’re late.”

 

Leonard started and whipped his head around. There, in the corner of the darkened room, was Jim, one long leg folded underneath him as he sat on Leonard’s desk chair.

 

“Christ, Jim! Lights seventy-five percent!” he barked.

 

Jim flinched at the sudden change in light level, blinking owlishly for a moment, and giving Leonard a good chance to take in the sight of his best friend, who had apparently broken into his dorm room.

 

Jim had a fine sheen of perspiration coating his forehead and upper lip. His face was flushed, and Leonard couldn’t be sure from this distance, but Jim’s hands appeared to tremor ever so slightly.

 

Leonard lost no time in pulling his tricorder out, striding across the small room and turning the device on his friend. “You better have a good excuse for busting into my room and lying in wait like some kind of creeper,” he groused, his concern masquerading as irritation. No overt injuries, but elevated pressures and heart rate and heightened activity in-

 

A hand closed on his wrist, pushing the tricorder away. That was when it reached him. The riot of sensory input that he felt more than smelled. The scent of an omega in heat.  A coil of tension curled itself in Leonard’s lower spine. Urges as old as the human race itself awakened and began to scent the air. He was suddenly, achingly hard.

 

“You’re a week early,” he observed dumbly, momentarily at a loss.

 

Jim smiled wryly, focusing his eyes on Leonard’s. “Aw, you counted.  I don’t know whether to be touched or creeped-out by that.” Jim’s pupils were blown wide. Black ringed by a blue that was even more electric than usual. “Guess my body doesn’t want to wait that extra week. After five years, I guess it’s pretty fucking sick of waiting.” Jim’s voice was tight with strain.

 

Leonard grappled for some detachment, some kind of barrier to place between himself and the alpha voice inside that was currently beginning to growl in eagerness. “Then what the hell are you doing here? Why aren’t you out-“

 

“Finding someone to fuck?”

 

The inner growl turned into a snarl at the thought of relinquishing Jim to the hands of another alpha. He took every ounce of restraint and modern civility he could muster and quashed the unwanted urge to stop talking and simply take. “Yes, goddammit,” he hissed. “What the hell are you thinking, showing up in an alpha’s room in full-blown heat?”

 

Jim’s eyes immediately fell from Leonard’s in a gesture of submission. The motion caused the coil of heat in Leonard’s guts to wind even tighter. “I need your help.”

 

“I’m not giving the suppressants back.”

 

Jim shook his head. “I don’t want them back.” Then his lips twisted sardonically for a moment. “Actually, that’s a lie. I do want them back, but that’s not why I’m here,” Jim replied, his glassy gaze focused on the center of Leonard’s chest, near where his heart had begun to accelerate. It was amazing how dark foreboding and rising exhilaration could coexist in the same person at the same time in equal measure.

 

“Feel like telling me why you are here, then?” Leonard’s tone was guarded, as carefully neutral as he could make it.

 

“I think you know why I’m here.”

 

There were many things Leonard could have said to that, from the negative to the positive, to the abjectly profane.

 

A strangled “Goddammit, Jim,” was what came out instead.

 

“I don’t want my first heat in five years to be with some stranger,” Jim explained quietly, his voice strangled.

 

And there it was. One part of Leonard wanted to just curse the kid for his irresponsibility and throw him out on his ass. The other half wanted nothing more than take him and find out how deep his submission ran, find out if he tasted as sweet as he smelled. Find out how much he would writhe under Leonard’s hands.

 

“No sale, kid.” And didn’t Leonard’s guts wrench with the words.

 

“Bones, I need your help," Jim repeated, his voice carrying a desperate edge.

 

“You need someone’s cock. It doesn’t have to be mine.” Leonard willed his friend to go away before something irreparable happened between them.

 

Jim unfolded himself slowly from Leonard’s chair, making Leonard step back in self-preservation. He stepped back while every urge in his body screamed to advance.

 

Jim stood there in front of Leonard, not moving forward, but definitely not retreating. Leonard couldn’t help but feel wrenched by the expression of desperation on his friend’s face.

 

“Do you know how long it took me to get up the guts to come over here?”

 

Leonard shook his head, momentarily mesmerized by the play of musculature beneath Jim’s form-fitting shirt.

 

“I sat there in my dorm telling myself that this couldn’t possibly be happening. I thought I had more time to prepare, to figure out what I was going to do. And in the end all I could think of was finding a stranger and hoping they would fuck me without fucking me over.”

 

Leonard listened with morbid fascination and a rising sense of want that threatened to overwhelm his resolve.

 

“But you wouldn’t do that to me, would you? Not like those fuckers did back in Riverside. You’ve always taken care of me. You care about me, even if you’re too grouchy and stubborn and southern to admit it most of the time,” Jim’s tone, underneath the strain, held something that sounded suspiciously like affection.

 

“Please, Jim.” One last token denial. One last resistance before he surrendered to the tide and went under. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

“You won’t. You wouldn’t. I need you.” And Leonard’s resolve was irrevocably fractured when Jim, with all the grace that was in that lean, familiar body, sank to his knees in supplication.

 

And that was it. A growl, half desperation and half triumph escaped past Leonard’s lips. Christ, it had been so long. So long since he had an omega kneeling for him. The still-familiar fire took up residence in his belly and he reached his hand out, running it proprietarily through Jim’s close-cropped hair, letting his blunt nails scratch lightly. Jim leaned into him, his hands hanging uncertainly at his sides, waiting for permission to touch.

 

One night. A favor for a friend, Leonard told himself. There was no reason it should make him feel so conflicted. Except now, with Jim on his knees before him, Leonard was forced to admit that he had been waiting for this moment. Waiting for weeks, since the first time that Jim’s maddening scent had reached him and Leonard had realized what Jim was.

 

“Please, Bones,” Jim pleaded, his voice heavy with need.

 

Leonard continued to card his hands though Jim’s hair, feeling the warm curl of anticipation buzzing through his veins. Uncertainty had been replaced by its opposite, as confidence settled over Leonard, alpha urges rising like a tide in his blood. He would give Jim what he needed.

 

A sound of relief echoed in the silent room, and Leonard realized he had spoken out loud. “I’ll give you what you need,” he repeated. He was rewarded by Jim pressing against his side, face nuzzling into Leonard’s midsection, seeking shelter against him.

 

Jim looked good, there on his knees for Leonard, his body strung tight with want, waiting for Leonard’s hands on him. He imagined Jim would look similarly attractive on his knees in a different fashion, or perhaps on his back, pinned beneath Leonard, writhing and begging. The thought caused the fire low in Leonard’s belly to flare and burn hotter, and suddenly he wanted nothing more than to take Jim and act out those visions on his spartan, ‘fleet-issue bunk.

 

He reached down and fisted a hand loosely in Jim’s shirt, drawing him up, pulling him close, their chests pressing tightly, hips slotting together.  They were fairly evenly matched for height, so it was easy for Leonard to close in, stopping just short of Jim’s mouth. He could feel the breath huffing past the younger man’s lips and ghosting over his own, Jim’s respirations coming quick and shallow.

 

Leonard took a moment to savor the anticipation. Breathing in deeply, scenting the man. Leonard’s voice came out in a low rumble when he spoke, his accent even more pronounced in his growing arousal. “Jesus, Jim, you smell good.”

 

A small, needy sound escaped the omega. Leonard could feel the sound against his own lips as he finally stopped his teasing and traded his anticipation for the firm press of mouths. The kiss was open-mouthed and hard, with Leonard gripping the back of Jim’s neck and holding him exactly where he wanted him, drinking deep. Leonard pulled out of the kiss long enough to take Jim’s lower lip between his teeth, giving him a quick bite. He was rewarded with another delicious sound and Jim’s groin bucking against him. Leonard could feel Jim’s cock, hard against his own. He moved his idle hand to press against Jim’s lower back, snaking under his shirt, pressing their lower bodies together and grinding his hips in a lazy circle, smiling at the new sounds the motion elicited out of the omega.

 

Leonard drew back enough to watch Jim’s face as he began to let his hands roam proprietarily, as if carefully taking stock of a new possession. He quickly grew tired of trying to navigate his hands under Jim’s shirt. He ran his hands up and up, riding the garment higher until Jim took the hint and raised his arms. The shirt gone, Leonard began taking inventory in earnest, cataloguing Jim’s sounds and expressions and desperate movements with all the thoroughness inherent in his profession. He learned that running his nails over Jim’s spine earned him a shudder and that doing the same to his small, budded nipples earned him a breathy curse. He learned that sliding his hands down and squeezing the firm globes of Jim’s ass earned him a stuttering grind of the hips that Leonard felt all the way down to his toes.

 

Leonard studied the flush on Jim’s chest and face, took in his rapid breathing and the hard press of Jim’s cock against his own. Jim’s scent hung heavy and sweet in the air as Leonard pinned him with an intent gaze.  “Tell me,” he ordered, his voice low and aroused, but commanding. Jim’s eyes went from heavy-lidded to wide. “Tell me what you need.”

 

Jim groaned, his hands gripped Leonard’s hips tighter. “Please, Bones,” he pleaded.

 

“Tell me what you need,” Leonard repeated. “I’ll make it good for you, Jim. But you need to tell me what you need.”

 

Leonard knew what Jim needed. He needed what all omegas needed in their heat. But there was something incredibly hot about making him say it.

 

“I need …” Jim trailed off. He was breathing hard, his eyes wide and skittish and desperate.  Jim had never been good at admitting what he needed. Or even believing he had the right to need anything. Jim could be arrogant, could be obnoxious at times, but he could also be as emotionally constipated as even Leonard was.

 

Blue eyes searched Leonard’s hazel ones, Jim’s gaze wary and on the verge of panic.   Leonard wondered, not for the first time, what had led Jim to be so terrified of his own biology. So terrified of letting himself go.

 

“Tell me,” Leonard reiterated, his voice firm, a command from an alpha to his omega.

 

Jim’s gaze dropped to Leonard’s chest, fully clothed against his naked one. It was as if he couldn’t look Leonard in the eye and say the words. “Inside me,” he breathed “I need you to fuck me.”

 

The admission caused a sharp wave of arousal to travel up Leonard’s spine. His cock twitched against Jim’s own. “I will, Jim. I’ll take care of you,” he promised. And then he kissed Jim deep and long and unhurriedly.

 

Jim sighed his relief into Leonard’s mouth. Leonard swore he would make it good for him. Make it so good that Jim would never be tempted to take another suppressant, never go back to the goddamned drugs that had endangered his life.

 

Leonard pulled out of the kiss abruptly, leaving Jim with a momentarily confused expression. “Bed,” Leonard explained. Jim made a desperate noise low in his throat as Leonard guided him across the small, blessedly single occupancy bedroom, hands remaining low on Jim’s hips, dancing him back. When Jim’s knees hit the end of the bed, he tumbled gracelessly backward. Leonard savored the sight of the omega spread out before him, pale and lean and trembling on the bed with anticipation, waiting for Leonard’s hands on him. Leonard pinned Jim with his gaze and watched as the omega squirmed, his hands fisting in the bed linens.

 

Leonard could see the bulge in Jim’s jeans where his erection strained against them and suddenly decided he had never hated a garment more in his life. He wasted no time in removing them, making short work of sneakers and socks before stripping pants and briefs down the omega’s legs until Jim was splayed naked and gasping his arousal.

 

Jim’s erection was full and flushed, and already weeping where it lay against his abdomen. Leonard felt an answering twitch in his own too-tight trousers. There was something about standing there fully clothed while Jim lay exposed and taut with need that was deeply arousing to his alpha psyche.

 

“Bones, please,” Jim pleaded hoarsely. His hand made an aborted move towards his cock before it returned to grip the sheets. He was waiting for permission like a good omega. Leonard’s chest swelled with an irrational sense of pride.

 

“Go ahead, Jim. Touch yourself. Pretend it’s my hands on you,” Leonard drawled.

 

Jim’s response was a whine high in his throat. “Then put your fucking hands on me already,” he begged. But he reached down and closed his fist around his cock anyway.

 

Leonard grinned, reveling in this new side of Jim. He looked amazing, humping his own hand, come beading at the pretty, blood-flushed head of his cock.

 

“That’s it. Fuck your fist for me,” Leonard teased. Jim obeyed, hips grinding upward and hand working his erection. Leonard was determined to make it good for the omega, something more satisfying than a mindless fuck. A quick rut had never been Leonard’s style, anyway. And, God, it had been so long since he had it like this. The scent of aroused omega settled heavy around him, stirring his blood. And Jim Kirk was a proud man, making his submission doubly sweet.

 

The sounds coming from Jim’s throat were filthy, needy whines and breathless groans. His fist sped up and down on his cock, the omega desperately chasing a release that wouldn’t come until Leonard was buried inside him, and they both knew it. The younger man’s expression was probably the most open Leonard had ever seen on him; vulnerable and desperate.  Jim’s blue gaze was focused on Leonard’s own as he jerked himself off.

 

Leonard stripped off his own clothing slowly, relishing the way that Jim’s eyes followed his every movement, the way the omega’s eyes darkened as Leonard revealed himself. Leonard nearly sighed in relief as he freed his cock from the confines of his trousers. He didn’t miss the way that Jim’s eyes widened, the way his lips parted, that helpless look of hunger on his face as Leonard revealed himself fully.

 

Leonard wished he had the control to tease Jim further, to drive him higher with want, but the alpha had reached his limit. He wanted too badly to touch and take.

 

Leonard's hand started at Jim’s collarbone, a deceptively soft touch that became all blunt nails as it traveled downward.  Leonard scratched his nails through the sparse hair on Jim’s chest, over one small, budded nipple, down aver abdominals that clenched underneath his touch. Jim stretched his arms off to the side, baring himself for Leonard in wordless invitation. Leonard rewarded him by scratching his nails through the wiry hair at the base of Jim’s cock before succumbing to his own desire and palming the hot, hard flesh.

 

Jim made a sound between a whine and a shout and bucked up into Leonard’s hand. Leonard chuckled, a low, filthy sound, loving this. Loving the hot coal of anticipation in his gut, loving the way that Jim was spread out for him, wordlessly begging for it.

 

Leonard knelt on the edge of the bed and Jim obligingly shifted up, scooting across the mattress until he was no longer hanging off the edge. Then he surprised Leonard by turning onto his stomach and presenting himself.

 

Leonard groaned at the sight, eyeing the sweet curve of Jim’s ass before he noted the tension that stiffened the younger man’s spine. Jim had gone suddenly silent, the eager cries and breathless whines stifled by inexplicable apprehension. Leonard might have written off the trembling that wracked Jim’s form for desire, had he not be so well versed in reading the human body.

 

It was fear that gripped the omega. It didn’t take a PhD in psychology to guess that this would be why Jim had been on suppressants for half a decade. Some part of him was terrified of this, even though he needed it with all the strength of his biology.

 

A wave of calm washed over Leonard as he suddenly knew what he needed to do. He knew how to take care of people, it was what he did. He liked to think he knew how to take care of Jim better than any other. He had the experience of long practice. This was just another extension of that care, he told himself.

 

Reigning in the urge that growled at him to take, to possess, ignoring the blood pulsing in his ears, he placed a hand softly on the curve of Jim’s ass, not missing the way the omega startled slightly under his touch. He ran the hand up and around, shifting forward until he was flush against Jim’s back, an arm wrapped around his chest. Leonard’s cock was nestled in the cleft of Jim’s ass, rubbing deliciously against the soft skin there. Leaning down, slowly, carefully, ignoring the way Jim shuddered beneath him from a mixture of desire and fear, he placed a teasing kiss to the knob of Jim’s spine just below the base of his neck.

 

Jim made a small strangled noise and ground his ass instinctively against Leonard’s cock. Leonard made a low sound in his own throat and had to redouble his efforts to take this slowly and not to just rut into Jim like the base animal he wasn’t.

 

He followed the line of Jim’s spine with his lips and the barest hint of teeth, careful of marking the skin too deeply, careful to avoid anything that might initiate a claim on the omega. This was a favor for a friend, albeit a pleasurable one. It was not a permanent alliance.

 

Leonard worked his way down carefully, placing a quick nip to the slope of Jim’s ass as he reached his destination. The entrance to Jim’s body was slick with his body’s own lubrication. The scent of the omega’s arousal was strong even in his confusion. The smell inundated Leonard’s senses and made his mouth water in anticipation.

 

He spread Jim’s ass apart further and leaned in for the first taste.

 

Jim’s voice was a mix of desire, trepidation and confusion. “What are –“ he began before the rest of the question was overtaken by a gasp.

 

Leonard circled the tight bud of muscle teasingly with his tongue, grinning at the way Jim’s hips rolled and pushed back, desperate to get more of the sensation, despite himself. Leonard teased and licked until some of the tension seemed to leave Jim’s body, fear subsumed by need. Jim made a strangled sound when Leonard finally breached the entrance to the omega’s body with his tongue. Jim opened easily for him, his body not at all conflicted about what it wanted in this moment.

 

A finger joined Leonard’s tongue, and the alpha relished the way Jim’s body gripped him tight, trying to draw him in. Leonard loved this, the taste of it, the desperate sounds Jim made under his hands and his tongue. Jim finally seemed to be relaxed under Leonard’s hands, grinding shamelessly and gasping out his desire.

 

Leonard’s cock throbbed between his legs, his own urges screaming at him that he had waited long enough, been patient enough. The smell of Jim was like a riot in his senses as he pulled out of Jim’s body, ignoring the small sounds of loss that the omega made. He shifted forward, taking his weeping cock in his hand and positioning himself at Jim’s entrance. Some of the tension was back in Jim’s spine as he waited to be breached.

 

Jim made a noise like he was dying as Leonard guided himself in. The clench of Jim’s body around him was even better than Leonard had anticipated. Jesus, it had been so long. And Jim was so responsive, so vocal beneath him, the picture of submission, so different than he was outside of his heat. Leonard didn’t quite know what he had expected when he agreed to take the omega to his bed, but it had not been this. He felt a great wave of tenderness rise up in him and he moved almost languidly. His thrusts into Jim were slow and deep and he couldn’t resist leaning down to place another kiss to the back of Jim’s neck as he made a particularly deep thrust, jarring a moan out of Jim.

 

Jim’s voice was choked and desperate. “Jesus, Bones, what are you doing to me?”

 

Leonard chuckled low in his throat, “I’m fucking you,” he replied, continuing his slow plundering of Jim’s body. “This is what you wanted, isn’t it? This is what you needed, isn’t it? Me fucking you? My cock in your ass? Fuck, Jim you feel so good. Best omega I’ve ever felt.”

 

Leonard realized with surprise that this was not just love-talk from an alpha to an omega, but it was true. He had never felt such a burning desire alongside a creeping tenderness that wormed its way into his chest, not even with Jocelyn, with whom he’d, at one time, been in love.

 

Leonard didn’t want to examine that thought too carefully. Didn’t want to examine anything too carefully right now except the sheer overload of sensation that was now taking residence in his lower spine, a hot ball of tension waiting to break outward. Orgasm hovered just beyond reach and Leonard couldn’t help speeding his thrusts in an attempt to capture it.

 

Jim’s goal was clearly the same. His face was pressed into the sheets, harsh grunts escaping him with every thrust of Leonard’s cock. He had finally reached down and taken himself in hand, fist jerking roughly up and down his erection, chasing his release with single minded determination that was very Jim Kirk, even as he was on his knees, naked and splayed for Leonard’s pleasure.

 

“That’s it, Jim. Come for me. Give it up for me, darlin’,” Leonard urged, feeling his own end rapidly approaching.

 

Jim whined high in his throat, fisting his cock even faster at the encouragement. The sight of him, red and sweaty and desperate for release, grinding back on Leonard like his entire purpose in life had been condensed to the need for orgasm, tipped Leonard over the edge. He thrust as deeply as he could, gripping Jim’s hips hard enough to bruise as he poured himself into the omega who was currently shuddering through his own release. Thick ropes of come marked the sheets as Jim rocked in time with Leonard, both of them milking as much sensation out of the moment as they could.

 

They stayed that way for long moments, until the last of the aftershocks left them. Then Leonard carefully removed himself from Jim’s body, smiling at the soft sigh that escaped Jim as he did so. The omega immediately flopped to the bed, heedless of the mess on the sheets, already gone limp with satiety and exhaustion. He was sprawled, taking up the entirety of the small bed without a thought. Leonard chuckled, allowing Jim the indulgence. Leonard would not be sleeping anyway, not until the last wave of Jim’s heat had passed. They would both be exhausted in the morning, but it was an acceptable price to pay for being able to help Jim through this.

 

Leonard rose from the bed, his gaze lingering on the already sleeping omega for a moment before he retreated to the small bathroom to clean himself up and get a glass of water. He didn’t bother to dress; any clothes he put on would have to be discarded soon anyway. When he returned to the bedroom Jim was dead to the world, still sprawled face-down and snoring lightly. Leonard took the time to run his tricorder briefly over the younger man. The readings were not too unusual for an omega in the midst of his heat, a little elevated, but not alarming.

 

Leonard took the time to read a few comms, his gaze repeatedly drifting back to the omega’s sleeping form. After a while he stopped the pretense of accomplishing anything and lost himself in the study of the man on the bed, questions swirling in his head.

 

The doctor and the friend in him couldn’t help but think back to the naked fear in Jim’s form as he had laid himself bare for Leonard. Could that be the reason Jim had going on the suppressants? Had something happened to him that was so terrible that he had risked his life rather than chance it happening again? Leonard felt a keen desire to know, even though he knew he probably never would. Jim would never talk about it, and after tonight Leonard would never see this side of his friend again. Would never have seen it in the first place had Jim’s contrary biology not caught him off guard.

 

It was one night, after all. Something that would never be repeated. Next time his heat overtook him, Jim would be able to find himself a proper partner. The thought gave Leonard a sharp pang of jealousy and possessiveness, and he allowed himself the feeling. He was an alpha, after all, and such was his nature.

 

Leonard took a deep breath. The air was redolent with their shared scents and the heady smells of heat and sex. Jim would need him again soon, when the younger man awakened and his heat overtook him again. Until then, Leonard would be alert and wakeful in the aftermath. He had always been like that; with Jocelyn, with any omega he’d taken to his bed. The biology of it was simple enough for his doctor’s mind to understand. Omegas needed to be protected as they recovered their strength, while they were exhausted and vulnerable. It was an alpha’s imperative to look after his mate and any offspring that may have been conceived.

 

Leonard stiffened in his chair, the truth of that thought sinking in. He had taken absolutely no precautions. And Jim’s heat had caught him so by surprise that Leonard doubted that Jim had taken any.

 

If – Jesus Christ, if - Jim got pregnant as a result of this, he would probably never forgive Leonard, nor would Leonard ever forgive himself.

 

The form on the bed stirred, bright blue eyes turned and focused towards Leonard, their owner oblivious to the crisis whirling through the doctor’s mind. If Jim found Leonard’s watchfulness disturbing, he gave no sign. He simply slipped from the bed, striding softly over to the doctor and kneeling down by his feet. Leonard parted his knees obligingly, recognizing both the awakening erection between Jim’s legs and the smell of rising heat that tickled his nostrils. The omega sighed, making a small, submissive sound as he took shelter against Leonard.

 

Leonard hesitated – no, dreaded - to ask.

 

He began haltingly. “Jim. I didn’t use any protection. I don’t –“

 

Jim made a contented humming sound as he pressed himself against the portion of Leonard that that didn’t give a whit about its owner’s current conflicted state.

 

“I have an implant,” Jim reassured easily.

 

Leonard let out the breath that he had been holding since he first had the thought. He lifted his hand to card through Jim’s short hair, relieved beyond measure and increasingly aroused. He used the hand to tilt Jim’s face upwards so he could taste the younger man’s lips.

 

The noise Jim made when they parted was a combination of needy and contemplative. “You kiss a lot,” Jim observed.

 

Leonard huffed an amused laugh as he kneaded the back of Jim’s neck.

 

Jim managed to look peeved, even through the haze of desire that was clearly descending quickly. “I’ve never had an alpha who kissed as much as you.”

 

Leonard felt another sharp stab of jealousy at the thought of some other alpha laying hands on Jim. He growled and his grip on Jim tightened. He used the hand on his neck to draw Jim roughly up into his lap, giving Leonard easy access to the omega’s mouth. He kissed Jim hard, alternating open-mouthed kisses with teasing bites to lips and tongue.

 

Jim was pliant beneath his hands, making more of those delicious sounds that Leonard had come to love, especially when the doctor reached down and closed his fist on the younger man’s cock. Jim threw his head back and whined high in his throat. Leonard yielded to temptation and ran his tongue up the tendon that stood out in relief on Jim’s neck, taking care not to mark, not to claim, despite the fire that was racing through his blood.

 

Leonard gave the omega’s cock its due attention before reaching around and sliding his fingers down the crease of Jim’s ass, finding him more than ready, his hole already sopping with Leonard’s come and his own slickness.

 

“Please,” Jim begged. “Need you.” His breath came fast and his skin was hot beneath Leonard’s hands.

 

Leonard rose, pulling Jim with him and maneuvering him towards the already thoroughly disheveled bed. Jim went to brace himself on his hands and knees, but Leonard quickly pushed him onto his back.

 

“No,” he ordered. “Want you to see me.” His voice became a growl. “Want you to see who’s fucking you.”

 

Jim’s eyes widened, his breath hitching as Leonard quickly found his entrance again, wasting no time in pushing two fingers in, feeling how hot and slick and welcoming Jim’s body had become.

 

“Fuck,” Jim cursed, his eyes closed, his head thrown back.

 

Jim’s body clenched desperately around Leonard’s fingers, trying to draw him in even as Leonard withdrew. He examined the slick digits for a moment before reaching and pressing them to Jim’s lips.

 

The omega made a sound that was pure sin as he sucked Leonard’s fingers clean of his own juices and Leonard’s come. Leonard fucking groaned at the sight. His cock throbbed as his alpha blood demanded that he take the willing omega that was currently writhing beneath him.

 

Leonard entered Jim more roughly than the last time, knowing now that the omega could take whatever Leonard wanted to give him. From the cries that escaped Jim’s lips, a little roughness was more than welcome. He fucked Jim hard and fast and the omega had to brace himself to keep from being shoved up the mattress by Leonard’s thrusts.

 

Jim’s cries became a litany of “please,” begging Leonard for release. Jim wrapped his slim legs around the alpha’s waist, clutching at him, trying to draw him in deeper. Leonard put a hand around Jim’s weeping cock and jerked him in time with Leonard’s own frantic thrusts.

 

Jim arched off the bed, his hoarse pleas rising in pitch and volume as he neared his apex. Seeing Jim so undone was Leonard’s undoing as he felt himself beginning to come apart. He could feel Jim’s orgasm beginning from the inside as his body gripped Leonard’s cock convulsively. That proved Leonard’s downfall as he came with a shout, his vision compressing and then exploding into white. He felt himself pulse and spill into Jim, who gasped and arched beneath him.

 

They both rocked in the center of the bed, riding out the last waves of orgasm as Jim’s legs fell limply to the sides and Leonard leaned down, not for a kiss, but to bite gently at the curve of the other man’s jaw, a parody of a claiming bite. It was enough to make Jim moan again, make dark lashes flutter against pale skin.

 

Leonard withdrew himself with a sigh, his blood humming its satiety. He flopped gracelessly to Jim’s side where the younger man was already beginning to succumb to exhaustion.

 

“One more, I think,” Jim mumbled, his voice hoarse.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“One more time,” Jim clarified sleepily. “It’s usually three waves before the heat’s, you know, gone. Then again this is the first one in five years, so I can’t be sure.”

 

Leonard smiled, resisting the urge to lean over and press a kiss to the back of Jim’s neck. “I’ll be here,” he replied softly.

 

 

[CHAPTER 22]

 

Jim awoke slowly. His body felt sluggish and drained, but he was comfortably warm, and he curled further under the covers before he registered the feeling of a long, masculine torso against his back, a set of legs entwined with his own, and a soft snoring in his ear.

 

It came back in a rush. His heat, his submission, the feeling of Bones above him and behind him and inside him. Jim’s cock, quiescent and equally exhausted by the night’s activities, gave a half-hearted twitch of interest at the recollection.

 

Jim tried to extricate his legs in order to turn over, and was met with a low, sleepy growl from his alpha bed-partner, who tightened his grip and reinserted his knee between Jim’s own. Jim gave up for the moment, going limp and pliant. Bones must be exhausted, having stayed up most of the night to watch over him (and what was that all about?). Besides, Jim had nowhere to be on this Sunday morning, and he had plenty to think about.

 

His first heat in five years, and it had been with his best friend. It had been new and terrifying and good. Satisfying in a way that half a decade of lonely masturbation hadn’t been. The fear had set in, like he knew it would. But it had been tempered by time and distance and the care that Bones had showed in pulling him together only to take him apart.

 

Jim had not known an alpha could take such care. Every alpha he’d ever been with in his heat had either been dominant to the point of Jim’s humiliation or rutted into him like an animal. He had never stopped to think, even in five years, that it could be any different. Maybe he had been wrong. Or maybe Bones was just as unique in that sense as he was in many others.

 

He had been right to trust Bones. Right to put himself in his friend’s capable hands. Before he had made his way to Bones’ dorm last night, he had been terrified of finding out that Bones was just like every other alpha at his core; domineering and willing to do anything for his own pleasure. Now he was immeasurably glad he had taken his chances with Bones instead of some random hook-up.

 

Jim brought a hand up to wipe the sleep from his eyes, careful not to jostle Bones, lest he get another growl. This should be more awkward than it was. He should be freaking out right now, but all he could manage to muster was a sense of tired satiety.

 

The snoring behind him petered off, resolving itself into a snort and a mutter of something that might have been “Dammit.” Jim huffed a laugh.

 

“Whasso funny?” Bones muttered in sleepy irritation, not quite letting go of Jim just yet.

 

“You’re even cranky in your sleep. I’ll have you know, you growled at me,” Jim teased.

 

“I did. More than once. Don’t recall you complaining at the time.” Bones’ accent was more pronounced in his somnolent state, and the words came out in a slow drawl.

 

Jim managed to rustle up a blush for that one, despite the fact that they were wrapped naked around each other, and words were probably the least embarrassing part of this scenario. The heat rose to his face as he remembered the third and final time they came together, Bones taking him hard and fast and growling words of possession in his ear. Standard love-talk from alphas to omegas, but it still had been immensely arousing to hear at the time.

 

Jim choked back a sigh as the doctor moved away, untangling their limbs and allowing Jim to roll over on his back. He winced as he took stock of the vague aches in his bones and various parts of his anatomy. Like with most omegas, his heats had always left him sore and worn-out.

 

Next to him, Bones made a rare sympathetic noise. “Take a hot shower, it’ll help with the aches.” The older man shut his eyes, presumably to go back to sleep. “And you smell,” he pointed out with his usual blunt honesty.

 

Jim stepped gingerly from the bed, his full bladder and the promise of a shower enough to spur him to onwards. “Yeah, I smell like you,” was his parting shot as he padded to the bathroom, collecting his clothes on the way.

 

Bones was right, the shower went a long way towards relieving the aches, and even managed to make him feel a bit less tired. He washed himself thoroughly, knowing that while he didn’t have a problem with having Bones’ scent on him all day, Bones might. In fact, Jim had no idea how Bones felt about any of this. The anxiety that Jim had failed to feel earlier made its appearance.

 

He had simply shown up in Bones’ dorm room, in full heat, and begged the doctor to fuck him. And given that Bones was an alpha with a nose full of omega pheromones, he had succumbed in fairly short order. Jim hadn’t given him much of a choice, in the end.

 

Jim leaned his forehead against the cool tile of the shower, forcing himself to get his anxieties under control. Bones had not acted put-out this morning. He had acted remarkably content. For him, anyway. Jim hoped this attitude held, because he didn’t think he could stand another rift between the two of them.

 

Jim finally made himself get out of the shower, toweling himself dry. He pulled on the jeans and shirt that he had worn over the night before, slightly more wrinkled for being on Bones’ floor all night. He hesitated for a moment over borrowing the other man’s toothbrush, and then figured what the hell. Bones had his tongue in Jim’s ass last night, so what was a little toothbrush sharing between friends?

 

Clean and minty and slightly wrinkled, Jim stepped back into the bedroom, greeted by the sight of his best friend seated on the edge of the bed, clad in boxers and a t-shirt, looking tense and contemplative. The doctor’s eyes immediately sought out Jim’s own. The expression in them was guarded. Bones was often a hard man to read, even more so right now. Anxiety buzzed its way through Jim’s guts. Was this the part where Bones came down on him for his inconsiderate behavior, his shitty-planning, his manipulation?

 

Jim’s old defensive urges tried to rear their ugly head, telling him to go on the offensive before he got his ass handed to him. But that hadn’t worked so far. Not with Bones, who knew enough about him to call him on his shit. He Owed Bones, with a capital “O”. Owed him his gratitude, rather than a bunch of hostile crap. For once he needed to do right by him.

 

“Feel better?” the alpha asked, his tone inscrutable.

 

“Yeah … thanks,” Jim couldn’t help the downward cast of his eyes as he said the last word.

 

Bones looked at him oddly. “Not a big deal.”

 

Jim sighed, plowing forward into territory where he dreaded to tread. “Not for the shower, I mean. Just … thank you. You could have booted me out on my ass. I wouldn’t have blamed you, the way I barged in here.”

 

When Jim dared to meet the other man’s gaze again, Bones’ eyes had widened, his lips parted slightly.

 

“Jim-“ Bones started.

 

“Shut up and let me get this out.” Jim knew if he stopped now the words would probably freeze in this throat. He took a deep breath. “I needed you and you didn’t let me down. You’ve never let me down. Not ever. You tried to take care of me from the beginning and I acted like a dick about it. And then in the end, when I needed you, you were there for me anyway.”

 

Bones just sat there, on the edge of the narrow bunk, looking across with a slightly awed expression that made Jim doubly self-conscious. The omega forced himself not to look down again.

 

“So … thank you.”

 

Bones looked at him for a long moment. If he had been any other one of the alphas who had bedded Jim, they would have made some crass comment about it being their pleasure.

 

Bones simply looked at him with the same awed expression. “You’re welcome, Jim,” he replied quietly. Then his lips curved into a half-smile that, despite his tired countenance, suited him.

 

Jim couldn’t help the relieved smile that spread over his own face. They were going to survive this. Jim hadn’t broken anything. It had been a hell of a bump in the road, but they would be fine. “Look, I’m gonna let you get some sleep.” The smile stretched into a grin. “You look whacked, man.”

 

The doctor raised an eyebrow, a gesture that on any one else might have been suggestive, but on him it was so familiar that Jim found the last of his tension ebbing away. “And whose fault is that?” Bones asked acerbically.

 

“I didn’t ask you to spend half the night staring at me,” Jim replied, his grin refusing to fade.

 

Bones looked at him the way he usually did when Jim said something he judged to be particularly obtuse. “I’m an alpha. It’s what I do.”

 

Jim wondered if Bones knew exactly how far from the typical alpha he was. Jim lifted up his hands in an amused gesture of placation. “Not that I’m complaining.” About anything, his mind added.

 

Bones just rolled his eyes.

 

Jim crossed the room to shove his bare feet in his sneakers, still smiling.

 

“Don’t you wear socks like a normal person?” Bones groused, apparently just because he could.

 

“I did, but someone tossed them somewhere and I can’t find them.”

 

“You sure you’re not complaining?” Bones called to his retreating back.

 

Jim turned one last time before letting himself out, his grin tempered into something softer. “No, I’m really not,” he answered.

 

 

[CHAPTER 23]

 

Leonard watched Jim leave with a bemused expression on his face and a sense of warmth in his chest. Jim was okay. Leonard was okay, despite his exhaustion. There had been no recriminations, no hurt feelings, no angry words on either side. Some awkwardness, to be sure, but …

 

But it had been good. Better than good, actually. And it had been different. Different than it had been with Joce. With any other omega, really. Perhaps it was partly his healer’s nature, but there had been something deeply satisfying about being able to help Jim through this, with Jim’s fear and his almost naked need to be protected, to be gently dominated.

 

Leonard felt something unwinding in him, the sense of foreboding he had carried around ever since he had forcibly taken Jim’s suppressants away began to ease. Jim would be alright. His next heat, he would be prepared. He would be able to find himself an alpha who could tend to his needs without showing up on Leonard’s doorstep, blinded with need.

 

But would another alpha take as much care? Be able to read him like Leonard had? Give him what he needed the way he needed it?

 

A different kind of foreboding began to take up residence. Jim’s had survived this first heat, with Leonard’s help. And rather than being a charitable act for a friend, it had been a pleasure. Now Leonard would have to watch Jim find someone else, wonder if the person would do right by him. All the while knowing that he could take care of Jim the way he needed.

 

There was a part of him, the alpha voice buried beneath the veneer of modern civility, that whispered to him that he had taken Jim to mate, however briefly. That no other alpha could satisfy him the way Leonard could. That no other could protect him, provide for him the way he could. And the idea that another would be allowed to try tasted a bit like ash in his mouth.

 

Leonard rubbed a hand across his face, dropping his elbows to rest on his knees, still sitting on the bed that smelled of their combined scents, and wondered what he had done to himself.

 

 

[CHAPTER 24]

 

Leonard did his best to put his misgivings about what they had done out of his mind, lest Jim see them and misconstrue it as embarrassment, or, worse, regret. He didn’t regret helping Jim, although maybe he should, given the circumstances.

 

He continued to pick up shifts over at medical at a frantic pace. He buried himself in work and coursework throughout the following week, only seeing Jim in the few classes that they shared. During them, they commiserated, and bitched and groused like they always did, and Leonard was confident that the only one who was having misgivings about the whole thing was him. His issues were his problem to rectify. He had no claim on Jim, no right to demand any semblance of exclusivity. No right to any say in what or who Jim did. Leonard had not helped him out for the promise of anything in return, spoken or unspoken.

 

In moments alone, however, Leonard found that he resented Jim a little, despite his best efforts not to. Leonard had functioned perfectly well in his aloneness before Jim Kirk had showed up and damaged his painstakingly constructed social bubble beyond repair. And that was before he had slept with the man. That was usually about the time Leonard forcibly reminded himself that he had played a part in putting Jim in that situation.

 

It was also around the time he usually reached for the bourbon.

 

Jim attempted to invite him out for drinks the weekend after … well, after. And Leonard tried to ignore the disappointed and faintly hurt look in Jim’s eyes when he told him, in all honesty, that he had a shift to pull that night, not volunteering the fact that it would end with ample time to go out.

 

He spent the shift kicking himself, reliving that expression in between patients. That had been exactly what he had been trying to avoid. He had gone into this promising not to hurt Jim, and it looked like he was doing it anyway, just not in the physical sense.

 

So he was in a positively crotchety mood by the time his shift ended, so much so that he nearly ignored the ping of his comm as he trudged across the campus. He debated internally for a moment, then sighed, pulling the device out of his pocket and checking the display. It announced to him in bright, backlit letters that he had just received a message from Jim Kirk.

 

Kirk, J.T.: I’m at O’Malley’s. Stop by after work if you get the time.

 

Leonard felt another stab of something that felt like guilt. Jim was making all the effort here to keep their friendship on even keel. And Leonard was being a dick. It wasn’t Jim’s fault that Leonard couldn’t reconcile the impermanence of their physical relationship with their friendship. It was time to man-up.

 

A shower and a clothing change later and he was headed towards O’Malley’s Pub a few blocks from the academy grounds. The two of them had adopted it as their default hangout, given that they had reasonable prices, were relatively sanitary, relatively close, and had beer that didn’t taste like horse piss.

 

He found Jim in the back of the bar, standing next to a tall, dark haired man who seemed to be hanging on Jim’s every word with far too much interest. Jim was his usual animated self, smiling and gesturing, and leaning in to be heard over the thrumming bass of the music.

 

Leonard had to restrain himself from stalking over and forcibly inserting himself between them. As it was, he crossed the crowded room with more speed than was strictly necessary. He was nearly on top of the pair when Jim looked up and noticed him, his face transforming from a more polite smile into a genuine sunny grin. Jim’s dark-haired companion looked thoroughly disgruntled at the interruption.

 

“Bones! You made it,” Jim observed happily.

 

“Apparently,” he replied, glancing from Jim to his companion, willing the latter to quickly and silently fuck off.

 

“C’mon, Bones. Let’s get you a drink.” Jim said a polite goodbye to the other man, and began to make his way to the bar, clearly expecting Leonard to follow. Which he did, but not before favoring the sour-faced interloper with a satisfied smile of his own. He felt the other man’s glare on his back as he followed Jim, but he couldn’t bring himself to give a shit.

 

He let Jim order for them, knowing that the other man had a firm grasp of his likes and dislikes. A few moments later they were both in possession of jack boilermakers, making their way to one of the less-occupied corners of the bar.

 

“Glad you could make it,” Jim said as he took a swig of his drink. “What changed your mind?”

 

Leonard shrugged. “It was a shit shift,” he replied, which was partly true. “I needed a drink.”

 

“You could have had one of those back at your dorm,” Jim countered, his lips twitching up at the corners again. “Admit it. You just wanted to see my smiling face.”

 

And other parts of his anatomy. Leonard fixed Jim with his best glare. “Your ego is going to require surgical excision one of these days.”

 

Jim looked out over the landscape of the bar, silent for a moment. “I was beginning to think you were avoiding me.”

 

Leonard sighed into the rim of his glass. Never let it be said that Jim Kirk wasn’t observant. And at the most inconvenient times, too. The music continued to hum obtrusively in the background. Leonard was feeling far too on-display to have this conversation, but there they were, having it anyway.

 

“Look, Bones,” Jim started. “I know I fucked up. You saved my ass, and you know I’m grateful for that. If I had my shit more together, it wouldn’t have happened. But believe me when I promise you it won’t happen again. The next time, I’ll find myself an alpha, and-“

 

Leonard couldn’t help the harsh bark of laughter that escaped his throat.

 

Jim glowered at him, his expression filled with rising ire. “Dammit, Bones, I’m trying here. What do you want me to say?”

 

Leonard took a long pull off his drink, hoping to fortify himself. “Tell me something, Jim. Why do you think I was giving the stink-eye to that punk you were with a few minutes ago,” he asked pointedly.

 

“Him? Was he even an alpha?”

 

Leonard gave the younger man a patented are you fucking joking look. “Trust me, Jim, he was an alpha. I wanted to wipe the smirk off his face the second I saw you with him.”

 

Jim was looking at him with a slightly gobsmacked expression.

 

Leonard sighed his frustration. “Doesn’t mean I would actually do it. It’s biology, Jim. I can’t help it any more than you can help your heat.”

 

“And this relates to you avoiding me how, exactly?”

 

Leonard found himself caught between simultaneous urges to smack Jim upside the head and yell at someone to turn the goddamned music down. “Fuck. I can’t have this conversation in here,” he set his half-finished drink down.

 

“Is there somewhere you do want to have it?”

 

“Not particularly,” Leonard replied honestly. “But you started this, so let’s go.”

 

Jim didn’t argue. He just took a couple large pulls off his own drink before he set it down alongside Leonard’s and followed him out into the chill night air.

 

Jim looked almost ghostly pale under the light of the streetlamps as they walked back in the general direction of the campus. Leonard pulled his jacket around himself as they walked, warding off the chill. Jim seemed perfectly content in his shirtsleeves, with his damnable northerner’s constitution. They didn’t speak until they got away from the immediate crowd surrounding O’Malley’s.

 

“I don’t understand how you’re not freezing your ass off. It’s damn cold,” Leonard groused lamely, not quite sure how to restart the conversation, or even if he wanted to.

 

Jim rolled his eyes. They flashed a pale blue under the white glare of a nearby streetlamp. “It’s winter, Bones. And are we really gonna start talking about the weather? Seriously?”

 

“What do you want me to say?” he asked irritably, in a mirror of Jim’s earlier question.

 

“I dunno. Maybe you could explain the whole avoiding me thing? Or why every single thing I say to you seems to piss you off? Shit, man, start simple and tell me why you wanted to clock a guy who I only knew for about five minutes and had one conversation with?”

 

“I haven’t been avoiding you.” Not exactly. “I’m fucking busy, Jim.”

 

“And, yet, here you are, taking time out of your busy schedule so we can talk fucking circles around each other.” Jim’s voice had a definite edge of sarcasm.

 

Leonard shot a glare at Jim. “You want to talk, fine. Let’s talk about how I’m supposed to stand there and be perfectly fine with watching another alpha chat you up.”

 

Jim’s expression became less irate and more genuinely puzzled. “Why does it bother you?”

 

Leonard examined the ground as it passed under his feet. “I told you, Jim, it’s biology, pure and simple. Psychobiology and mating drives and shit that’s been bred into us since before we invented fire.”

 

Jim shrugged. “I don’t think all alphas are like that, Bones. Not all of them follow the same cookie-cutter mold,” he said in a manner that seemed totally self-assured.

 

It was Leonard’s turn to look, puzzled, wondering where this was going. Was this about the punk in the bar? “Hey, who’s the doctor here? I think I would know better than you.”

 

Jim stared ahead of them somewhere off into the distance. “I’m just saying, I know for a fact that there are some alphas out there who don’t mind sharing their toys.”

 

Leonard found the comment cryptic and mildly disturbing. “Yeah, well I’m not one of them,” he replied firmly.

 

Jim looked over at him. “Which leaves us exactly where?”

 

He’d been asking himself the same question all week. “Fucked if I know, Jim. I’m making this shit up as I go along, same as you are.” And it was true. He felt thoroughly out of his depth in a way he hadn’t in years.

 

“So this reflexive bout of possessiveness. It’ll get better with time, right? I won’t always have to worry about you clobbering any alpha I have a conversation with, will I?” The corner of Jim’s lips were slightly curved upwards, but Leonard could sense the seriousness behind the question.

 

“Yeah, Jim. It should go away,” Leonard replied, hoping he wasn’t lying. It would have to go away. The month would pass, and Jim would find another alpha, and Leonard would just have to fucking well deal.

 

Jim made a thoughtful sound and shoved his hands in his pockets, walking on, still matching Leonard’s even stride. They walked for a few moments in silence, with Jim looking over at him every so often, a pensive look on his face.

 

“If you have something to say, spit it out,” Leonard ordered.

 

Jim looked like he was debating whether to speak, which in and of itself gave Leonard a feeling of trepidation. Jim Kirk was one of the most naturally loquacious people he had ever met.

 

Jim continued to study him, and Leonard was about to repeat himself when Jim asked him, “So in three weeks when I take another alpha, you’ll be okay with that?”

 

Leonard wondered if Jim was trying to bait him, because he fucking wasn’t okay with it, obviously. He should be able to be a good friend, to step back and let Jim make his own way, comfortable in the fact that he had helped the other man when he needed it. He should be satisfied that Jim was off the suppressants and didn’t hate Leonard for taking them away. But he wasn’t satisfied at all. Jim had been his, dammit. The memory of the way Jim had felt underneath him and around him, the sweetness of his submission was still fresh in Leonard’s mind.

 

“Well, I’ll just fucking have to be, won’t I?” he snapped.

 

Leonard was forced to halt his forward momentum when Jim abruptly stopped walking, planting his feet on the ground and looking tense and uncharacteristically nervous. The younger man looked at Leonard searchingly, like he was trying to see inside Leonard’s thoughts.

 

“No,” Jim finally replied. Then, quietly: “You really won’t.”

 

Leonard thought, for a horrifying second, that the past month of anger and tension and drama that had culminated in Leonard fucking Jim into the mattress had finally proved too much for the omega, and he was calling the end to their friendship right then and there. “What the hell are you saying, Jim,” Leonard asked, feeling the numbness start to creep in.

 

Jim closed his eyes for a moment and sighed, as if he was too tired at this point to spend any more time prevaricating. Leonard could relate.

 

“I’m saying it doesn’t have to be that way.” Jim stepped forward, encroaching just the slightest bit into Leonard’s personal space. At this distance, Jim’s eyes were bright and dazzlingly blue he met Leonard’s gaze.

 

“You enjoyed it, Bones. I could tell.” The corners of Jim's lips turned up wryly. “and you were very good at it. And if you don’t want me to be with another alpha, there’s only one solution I can think of.”

 

Understanding dawned on Leonard all at once, wiping his confusion and numbness away in a tide of combined horror and desire so strong it made his hands itch.

 

“Absolutely fucking not,” he said immediately. His voice was hoarse, and he didn’t trust that the sense of want burning into his bones wasn’t openly visible on his face.

 

It must have been, because rather than recoil or appear discouraged, a look of determination came into Jim’s eyes.

 

“Bones, you’ve already said you don’t want to see me with someone else.”

 

Leonard ran a hand through his hair, frustrated and still rather in shock at the turn this conversation had taken. “Where is this coming from, Jim? Are you just afraid of finding another alpha? Because you’re going to have to do it sooner or later.”

 

The statement was pitched to make Jim defensive; the man had never been good at facing his own insecurities. But Jim’s determination held, and he answered Leonard calmly, but assuredly, as if he were passionately debating a particularly salient point in class.

 

“I know that. But right here, right now, I need someone I can trust, and you don’t want to give me up to another alpha, am I right?”

 

“Jim, you’re confusing biological urges with conscious …” he struggled for the right word, “desire,” Leonard finished, choking slightly on the word.

 

For the first time since Jim had dropped this bomb, a look of uncertainty entered his eyes. “So you don’t want me?”

 

Leonard wanted to answer that no, fuck it, he didn’t want Jim Kirk. But he did. He just didn’t want to want Jim Kirk. “Dammit, Jim.” His voice was strangled, barely more than a whisper. What the hell was he supposed to say that would dissuade Jim, but wouldn’t irreparably damage their friendship? “These friends-with-benefits things never work out,” he told the omega.  “Someone ends up hurt.”

 

Jim smiled a genuine smile at that, one that carried a touch of fondness. “I’m a big boy, Bones. I know what I want. You weren’t the only one who enjoyed what we did. I came into it terrified,” he admitted. “But you made it … you made it good.”

 

Leonard remembered Jim’s uncertainty and tension that had morphed under his care into shameless writhing and moans of need. Such a memory was not helping Leonard’s determination any. “I’m glad, Jim,” he responded with all sincerity. “I’m glad I was able to help you, really. But that doesn’t mean we should make a habit out of it.” He could see such a habit becoming an addiction in short order. He was already proprietary about Jim after only one night with him. What would it be like if they continued? And what would happen when Jim wanted to move on? What would happen when either of them wanted to move on?

 

Jim’s eyes searched Leonard’s own for a moment, as if trying to glean some truth out of them that wasn’t readily apparent on the surface. Apparently he didn’t find it. “You don’t have to answer me right now. Think about it. I have time.”

 

Dammit. Leonard had tried to give him an answer already. Had tried to tell him no, and, in typical Jim Kirk fashion, the younger man had refused to accept it. Leonard opened his mouth to repeat the sentiment and shut the omega down once and for all, but what came out was totally different. He must be losing his mind. He was standing in the middle of the campus of Starfleet Academy arguing with his best friend about their sex life. Fuck Leonard McCoy’s existence.

 

“”I’ll think about it,” was what came out instead.

 

 

[CHAPTER 25]

 

A week later, a week that had been filled with avoidance, interrupted sleep, and several near-anxiety attacks on the part of the doctor, and with lot of uncharacteristic patience on the part of Jim, Leonard McCoy found himself standing in the middle of the other man’s dorm room.

 

“You’re due again in fifteen days?”

 

“Yeah,” Jim answered blankly, waiting for the hammer to drop.

 

“Come to my place when you’re close. Call me and I’ll be there.”

 

The grin that spread across Jim’s face was heart-stopping, brilliant in its intensity. And for a moment Leonard let himself believe maybe he’d made the right decision after all.

 

***

 

Jim was due in fifteen days. In the end, he lasted ten.

 

 

[CHAPTER 26]

 

He was dying. Surely he was dying. He was going to burn to ash as he writhed, naked on the bed that wasn’t his, hand groping desperately between his legs, stroking in time with his own rapid, gasping respirations.

 

He needed an alpha. Where was Bones? Jim had been waiting so long, it seemed. It felt like forever since the heat had first overtaken him. He had made his way from his own dorm to Bones’, sending the doctor a simple one line message that consisted of "It’s early."  Bones’ response had been prompt and succinct: an assurance that he would be there as soon as he could. So why wasn’t he here? The small room echoed with the desperate sounds of unfulfilled need.

 

The soft hiss of the door opening was a beautiful sound, the low cursing that escaped Bones’ lips as he crossed the room was even sweeter.

 

“Goddamn fucking morons,” the doctor groused loudly as he pulled off his jacket and tossed it on the chair. “If this army of violent brawling inebriates is the future of Starfleet then we are seriously screwed.”

 

“Bones.” Jim reached out towards the older man, who had not stopped at stripping off his jacket and now was in the process of pulling off the rest of his clothes. “Need you,” he said plaintively.

 

Bones stopped his disrobing and stood for a moment, taking in the sight on the bed. “I know, Jim. I know what you need. I’m gonna give it to you, don’t worry. God, I can smell you from here. You smell fantastic.”

 

Jim squirmed at the lust in the other man’s voice. He had a voice that was made for sex. Jim’s eyes widened as the alpha’s body was revealed in its entirety. An undignified whine left his throat, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Bones had seen him at his most needy and submissive already. There was no reason to hold back.

 

The first touch of hands on his skin was the hardest. It was simultaneously a relief and a brand new agony. Bones didn’t tease, though, not like last time. Jim had been waiting long enough, strung out with lust and need. Bones knew that, and didn’t make him wait any longer.

 

When the alpha entered him, Jim couldn’t help his cry of relief. He had forgotten this for five long years while he was on the suppressants. The feeling of having his heat tamed, his thirst slaked. But now there was a kind of freedom in it that there had never been before. He trusted Bones, down to his core.  Trusted him with the gift of his submission. Trusted that he wouldn’t abuse it like the others had before.

 

Bones reached up as he rocked into Jim, hands encircling the omega’s wrists, pinning them to the bed. Jim felt a lurching in his gut that was far from sexual at the memory of being held down by someone else. For a moment he saw not the familiar face of his best friend, but the deceptively handsome face that still occasionally haunted his nightmares.

 

He whimpered weakly, turning his head to the side and struggling against Bones’ grip, despite the call from his blood that told him to submit. There was something perversely, horribly wrong about thinking of Gary while Bones was fucking him. There was something wrong with letting Gary ruin this too. Panic warred with lust and the panic was winning. Jim struggled more aggressively, making his discomfort clear.

 

“Please,” Jim begged.

 

The hands around his wrists pulled away, instead coming to frame his jaw and steer his gaze back to meet the alpha’s. Bones looked into him searchingly, and Jim felt as though all of his secret shames were about to be laid bare.

 

Bones leaned down and kissed him, the languid pace of the kiss matching the pace of their lower bodies. The kiss was gentle and achingly intimate, somehow more intimate even than the feeling of Bones inside him. There was understanding in it, and acceptance, and Jim could have cried, the upswell of feeling was so strong.

 

When he came, his release was so powerful it was almost painful. Bones followed him seconds later, burying his face in Jim’s neck with a muffled shout. The alpha lingered, above him and inside him, moving slowly, coaxing them both through the last of the aftershocks, breath ghosting over the sensitive junction of neck and shoulder. Jim waited for the bite that never came, the claiming mark. Instead a soft kiss was placed into his skin.

 

Jim drifted off slowly, his satiety marked by melancholy, and a vague sense of loss for something he never had to lose.

 

 

 

[CHAPTER 27]

 

The alarm roused them both promptly at 0600, prompting twin groans of dismay from the bed’s occupants. Leonard was again wrapped around Jim, their legs a tangle, Leonard’s arm asleep from where the omega had been laying on it. Jim’s head was nestled against his neck, warm breath ghosting across his collarbone.

 

“Alarm off,” Leonard ordered irritably, and the shrill sound immediately stopped.

 

This had been much easier when they hadn’t had to go to classes the next day. The heavy pull of exhaustion weighed on Leonard already. He would be in fine straits by the end of the day. Jim, he knew, would be faring no better, his energy sapped in the aftermath of his heat.

 

Jim began to stir, pulling away far enough to blink at Leonard through heavy lidded eyes. The scent of heat and sex still lingered in the air, and from this distance he could smell his own scent on the omega. He was gripped by the urge to lean in and take Jim’s lips, to kiss him awake, perhaps to give him a few gentle bites. Not enough to mark, of course.

 

“You have morning breath,” Jim told him blearily.

 

Leonard raised an eyebrow. “So do you.”

 

“Oh. Yeah.”

 

The moment killed by Jim Kirk’s fabulous sense of timing, the two of them disengaged themselves carefully, rubbing sensation back into sleeping appendages and trying to get their bearings. Jim swung his legs to the side of the bed.

 

“First dibs on the shower. I have to make it back to my room before I get bagged for being out of uniform.”

 

Leonard grunted, his head flopping back down onto the pillow and closing his eyes. Then he remembered something.

 

“Don’t use my toothbrush this time!” he called after Jim’s retreating backside.

 

Leonard lay in the bed and let his mind drift back to the events of last night. It had been good. Maybe even better than the first time, with one glaring exception. The look in Jim’s eyes when he had restrained him, when he had held the other man down. It had been naked fear. And Jim had begged him, begged him to let go.

 

The doctor had enough experience with assault victims to understand what he was dealing with. But the idea that it was Jim that someone had laid hands on, a man who he was rapidly coming to think of as his, made him abjectly murderous and slightly sick. He wanted to find the fucker and introduce him to just how well a doctor, with his intimate knowledge of the human body, could inflict pain. An endless litany of questions swirled in Leonard’s mind, but he doubted he would get answers to any of them right now. If his guess was right, Jim had been sitting on this secret for five years. He would not yield it easily, if at all.

 

Leonard stewed in his unpleasant thoughts until Jim reappeared again, hair damp and a towel slung around his hips. Leonard watched unabashedly as the other man went through the motions of dressing. Part of him was trying to gauge just how alright Jim was.

 

Leonard knew he wasn’t going to get any answers. Not now. Not that he had the right to any answers. But before he had become a sexual partner for Jim, he had first been his friend. And the friend in him needed Jim to know.

 

Jim had just finished pulling his shirt over his head and was in the process of shoving his stocking feet in his shoes when Leonard said it. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Leonard didn’t miss the tension that suddenly appeared in Jim’s shoulders. He smiled thinly. “Not right now, Bones.”

 

Leonard nodded his acceptance. “Then not now. But when you’re ready, I’m here. I’ll listen to whatever you have to say.”

 

Jim’s smile morphed into something small and soft and genuine as he crossed the room to sit on the edge of the small bed. Before Leonard could ask what he was doing, Jim leaned in and pressed his lips to Leonard’s own. The kiss was soft and familiar, and Leonard could feel Jim’s smile against his mouth.

 

The sensation was wholly different than the kisses they had shared during the heat. Leonard’s eyes widened at the sensation, shocked at the knowledge that, despite all they had done, this was the first time Jim was kissing him.

 

“Thank you,” Jim said against his lips.

 

Leonard wasn’t sure exactly what he was being thanked for, but he knew it was sincere. A simple ‘you’re welcome’ wouldn’t suffice. He reached up and cupped the back of Jim’s neck, applying enough pressure to hold the other man down, but not so much that Jim couldn’t pull away if he wanted. Leonard knew they were crossing some kind of line here, but couldn’t find it in himself to care, not when Jim was so vulnerable and warm and openly grateful. The second kiss was longer and just as sweet, and Leonard couldn’t help himself from nipping gently at Jim’s lower lip before the omega pulled away.

 

Leonard could taste the mint on Jim’s breath. The little shit had used his toothbrush again. Leonard told him so verbatim.

 

Jim laughed, still propped over him, his arms bracketing Leonard’s head. It was an odd role reversal, to be on his back beneath Jim for a change. Leonard found he didn’t mind it.

 

Jim rose easily, still smiling as he picked up his jacket from where it lay on the floor. He gave Leonard one last, inscrutable look before he quietly let himself out.

 

Leonard knew he should get up, should get in the shower and wash away the scents of sex and Jim. Knew he should get up and get ready for whatever the universe was throwing his way today. Instead, he lay there for a few moments longer, his lips tingling, the memory of Jim’s touch buzzing on his skin.

 

 

 

[CHAPTER 28]

 

Leonard McCoy was a greedy bastard.

 

Correction, Leonard McCoy was a greedy, possessive bastard.

 

Leonard and Jim still attended class together, still studied together. They were still quick to argue, and still forgot their arguments just as quickly. They still drank together and bitched together and commiserated together. It was just that Jim now had a standing monthly invitation into Leonard’s bed.

 

Leonard felt immeasurably closer to Jim, despite the secrets that the omega still closely guarded. It wasn’t so much the physical closeness that came with sex, but rather that he had seen that side of Jim that he had kept hidden for so long. He was the first one to touch Jim’s heat in five years. The only one in all that time to know the sweetness of his submission. And he was the only one who would know it for the foreseeable future. The knowledge caused a suffusion of warmth in Leonard’s chest.

 

Jim, for his part, seemed more open around Leonard. It was like there had been some invisible wall between them all along, one that Leonard could only recognize now by its absence. Jim seemed more at ease, more able to relax. It must have been exhausting, Leonard thought, to spend five years straight hiding what you were.

 

All this was good. Better than good, in fact. Leonard hadn’t felt this much like himself since his marriage had started to go to hell. He would always be a cynic. Would always be a grumpy, mouthy, die-hard realist-bordering-on-pessimist. But he finally felt connected to another person, grounded in the world in a way that he hadn’t for years. He soaked up Jim’s friendship like parched soil. And once a month he reveled in the omega’s body; bathed in Jim’s naked, open gratitude. It was heady.

 

But it wasn’t enough.

 

It wasn’t that Leonard wasn’t by-and-large content with the way thing were. It was just that he was, as before mentioned, a greedy bastard. He coveted that one part of Jim Kirk that he was still unable to know. Sometimes Leonard would look into that face, with its electric smile, and those shocking blue eyes, and he was gripped with the desire to know all of Jim that there was to know, to burrow inside of him and learn all his secrets from the inside out.

 

Be careful what you wish for.

 

 

[CHAPTER 29]

 

As soon as Jim walked through his door, skin even paler than his usual Iowan complexion, Leonard suspected something was wrong. The omega still wore his reds, despite the lateness of the hour. Jim favored the doctor with a lackluster, distracted greeting and proceeded to flop gracelessly onto Leonard’s bed.

 

“Go ahead. Make yourself at home,” Leonard intoned sarcastically, watching Jim carefully from where he was seated at his desk. His padd full of research notes sat on his lap, a tumbler of bourbon on the desk next to him.

 

A few muffled, unintelligible words spoken into Leonard’s pillow was the only reaction he got.

 

“Is that so? Care to elaborate? Or did you just barge into my room to steal my bed?”

 

Jim turned his head to face Leonard. “I said it’s been a shit day,” he replied, pulling an unpleasant face.

 

Leonard waited for specifics, but clearly none would be forthcoming. “You want a drink?” the doctor offered, trying not to think about how at home Jim looked in his bed. If he got a few drinks into the other man, maybe he could pry out of him the reason for his melancholy mood.

 

Surprisingly, Jim shook his head.

 

He never thought he’d see the day when Jim Kirk turned down a drink. “Well if you don’t want to talk, and you don’t want to drink, then what are you doing here at ass-o-clock at night?”

 

“I just didn’t want to be alone,” Jim answered quietly. He sounded, in that moment, terribly lost. A singularly protective feeling blossomed inside Leonard.

 

Leonard set his padd aside, rising quietly. When he sat on the edge of the bed, Jim let out a sigh, burying his face in the pillow again. Without thought, the alpha raised a hand and placed it on top of Jim’s head, running his hand through the soft, close-cropped locks. The touch drew another sigh out of the younger man, this one deeper.

 

“You want to talk about it?”

 

Jim shook his head, not even bothering to raise his face from the pillow. Leonard continued to card his hand through Jim’s hair, enjoying the closeness of feeling, despite the worry that had taken up residence in his gut. Jim would tell him in his own time, and not before, he tried to tell himself. That knowledge didn’t stop countless unpleasant possibilities from swarming through Leonard’s head.

 

Jim made a sleepy, contented sound, and the alpha couldn’t help the soft smile that broke free. “If you’re gonna fall asleep in my bed, the least you could do is take your boots off,” Leonard chided.

 

Jim made a lame attempt to toe them off before he made a frustrated sound and gave up. He turned his head again and gave Leonard a look that was all eyes.

 

“I’m not taking them off for you.”

 

Again, the look.

 

“Fuck my life,” Leonard sighed and rose, rounding the end of the bed and pulling Jim’s boots off, dropping them with a thud next to the bed.

 

Jim turned, sprawling on his back, looking at Leonard with a self-satisfied smirk.

 

“You’re an ass,” Leonard informed him matter-of-factly. “Can you at least take your own jacket off?”

 

“If I said I couldn’t, would you take it off for me?”

 

Leonard raised an eyebrow at the suggestive tone in Jim’s voice. There was a hint of a challenge in the younger man’s eyes, as he looked down the bed at Leonard.

 

The temptation was there. Since the morning over a week ago, when Jim had kissed Leonard, so slow and sweet and welcoming, Leonard had thought about it. Thought about what it would be like if they came together unaffected by hormones or pheromones or the frenetic drive of Jim’s biology. The suggestive comments and considering looks Jim had been giving him since his last heat had not helped. The lines were blurring, so much so that it was often hard to tell whether one was being crossed. Here it was clear, though. The offer in Jim’s voice was impossible to mistake. Silence stretched between them for a long moment, Jim’s words hanging heavy in the air before Leonard’s sense of self-preservation kicked in.

 

“I think you can manage,” Leonard replied sarcastically, hoping no hint of his conflicted state was discernible in his voice.

 

Apparently he was unsuccessful, because Jim’s smirk widened. The omega’s previous melancholy appeared to have vanished as he moved gracefully from the bed. He padded across the small room to stand in front of Leonard, the challenge in his eyes magnified by proximity. Jim reached to grasp the pull-tab of his zipper. He lowered it slowly, his eyes not leaving Leonard’s face. The garment fell open, revealing the form-fitting shirt underneath. Jim shrugged the jacket off and it dropped to the floor. Then, without missing a beat, he grasped the hem of his undershirt and pulled it off over his head, tossing it to join the jacket on the floor.

 

Leonard’s lips parted as he took in the sight. This Jim was different than the one he had taken to his bed before. The look in Jim’s eyes was confident, almost predatory, so different from the neediness of his heat. Leonard felt the first stirrings of arousal.

 

He tore his eyes away from the distracting sight of Jim’s bare chest. His gaze bored into the omega’s, meeting the challenge he saw in the other man’s eyes. “What are you playing at, Jim?” he asked evenly.

 

Jim stepped forward, getting right up into Leonard’s space, so close that there were mere inches between them. “I told you,” he answered quietly. “I don’t want to be alone. So I came to you. Unless you’d rather I find someone else?”

 

The question was a goad, a manipulation, and Leonard knew it. But he couldn’t help the feeling of furious possessiveness that rose up to choke him.

 

He grasped Jim by the back of the neck, hard, and hauled him in, crashing their lips together. Jim met his fury in kind. The kiss was all teeth and tongue and Jim clutched at the doctor’s t-shirt for leverage as they plundered each other’s mouths.

 

Leonard grasped Jim’s hips and pulled their groins flush, his own awakening erection meeting its counterpart. Jim broke out of the kiss long enough to groan.

 

“Is this what you wanted?” Leonard asked breathlessly as he held Jim’s hips hard and ground against him.

 

“No,” Jim gasped. “What I want is to get you naked,” he pulled on Leonard’s shirt for emphasis. “Then I want you to fuck me. Fuck me so hard I forget this day ever happened.”

 

Should it bother him, that Jim was using him as an escape? Perhaps it would bother him later. For now all Leonard could drum up was a rising sense of lust at Jim’s words. Leonard facilitated as Jim pulled the alpha’s t-shirt up and over his head. They manhandled each other over to the bed, grasping and stroking and discarding articles of clothing until they were naked and Jim was sprawled flat on the bed again, this time with Leonard towering over him with lust-filled eyes.

 

Jim opened his mouth, probably to say something smart, or crude, or maybe just to repeat his request that Leonard fuck him into the mattress, but his words were subsumed by a gasp as Leonard closed his mouth around Jim’s cock. Leonard had to hold Jim down hard to keep from being choked by the bucking motion of the younger man’s hips. Jim’s groan was loud in the quiet of the small room, his hands reached down to clutch at Leonard’s hair. Leonard swirled his tongue around the head of Jim’s cock before swallowing him down in one smooth, brutal motion.

 

Jim’s opening was already slick when Leonard reached down to thrust two fingers into him, quick and rough, and Jim keened out his appreciation.

 

“Yeah, Bones. Just like that. Jesus fuck.”

 

Still sucking him off, wet and messy, Leonard sought out Jim’s prostate with unerring accuracy, drawing more pleas and curses out of the man beneath him. Leonard screwed Jim mercilessly on his fingers, swallowing him down until the omega grasped him hard by the hair and pulled Leonard off his cock. Leonard took in the sight of Jim, sweaty and flushed, chest heaving.

 

“Goddammit, get up here and fuck me,” Jim ordered, his voice low and desperate.

 

Leonard’s lips were red and swollen as he curved them into a wicked smile. “I have a better idea.”

 

It took some creative maneuvering on the small bed to get Jim where he wanted him. But the sight and the feel of Jim posting up and down on Leonard’s cock, riding him at a brutal pace was well worth the effort. As beautiful as Jim was during his heat, as achingly gorgeous as he was in his submission, he looked equally as incredible like this, frantically fucking himself on Leonard.

 

Jim moved his hands from where they were braced on Leonard’s shoulders. Leonard couldn’t help the gasp that escaped as Jim’s hands grabbed his wrists, holding them down next to his head in a bruising grip. He remembered trying to do this to Jim, remembered the naked terror in his eyes. But for Leonard there was only pleasure, and an unmistakable thrill from the knowledge that it was his omega dominating him, riding him for all he was worth.

 

Leonard knew damn well that this was not just crossing a line. This was like trying to bridge a chasm, running the risk that you would miss the other side and go careening downwards. Certainly something about it felt like falling, the doctor thought as Jim moved above him and around him.

 

Jim was close, his rhythm was beginning to falter. One of the hands restraining Leonard moved away as Jim wrapped his hand around his cock and began stroking himself.

 

“That’s it, Jim. Come for me,” he urged, taking his free hand and scraping his nails down Jim’s chest. “You look so good up there, fucking yourself on me.”

 

Jim made a keening noise, fisting his cock faster, grinding his hips downward. Leonard began thrusting up in time with the omega. He could feel himself starting to unravel, could feel the gut-punch of orgasm gathering in his lower spine, waiting to break outwards.

 

Jim came first with a shout, grinding himself down as hard as he could while his body shuddered itself through orgasm. The combination of the ecstatic expression on Jim’s face and the feeling of his body bearing down on Leonard’s cock spelled the end of the alpha, and he came so hard it nearly hurt.

 

Jim slouched over him, gasping through the last of the aftershocks, bringing his head to rest on Leonard’s shoulder, burying his face in Leonard’s neck. Leonard utilized his now free hands to skim their way down Jim’s still trembling sides.

 

Leonard waited for the trembling to subside, for Jim to lift his head and look at him with his usual cocky smirk, or perhaps simply the tired satiety of the well-fucked. But Jim continued to shake minutely under Leonard’s hands.

 

Leonard wrapped a hand around the back of Jim’s neck, tilting his face so he could see the faint tracks of moisture that made their way down the younger man’s cheeks. “Jim?” he asked, a ball of dread settling in the center of his chest.

 

Jim smiled weakly, his eyes sad and pained. “I told you,” he replied hoarsely. “It’s been a really shitty day.” And he buried his face back in Leonard’s neck.

 

Leonard wrapped his arms around Jim, gripping him tight. The feeling of dread had been replaced with a gaping ache and a sense of righteous anger towards whomever or whatever had hurt Jim to the point that he actually cried in Leonard’s arms. Leonard murmured nonsense, lips ghosting over the omega’s forehead, waiting for his tears to stop.

 

A few moments passed and Jim’s trembling eased. Leonard felt him take a deep breath, the feeling of it wafting against his skin. When Jim slowly lifted himself up and off of Leonard, the doctor could see that his bright blue eyes were ringed with red.

 

“I’m gonna get something to clean us up,” Jim told him as he rose on shaky legs.

 

“Jim-“ Leonard started.

 

Jim smiled at him weakly. “I’ll be right back.”

 

Leonard watched as Jim disappeared into the bathroom, heard the sound of running water. Jim came back a few moments later with a wet towel and proceeded to cleanse Leonard’s skin of their combined fluids.

 

Leonard held his tongue, waiting. When Jim finished cleaning them up and slid back into bed, his back to Leonard, the alpha began to think that Jim was going to try and leave it at that – that he was going to pretend that crying into your lover’s shoulder after you fucked him into the mattress was somehow normal. Leonard opened him mouth to speak.

 

“His name was Gary,” Jim offered, his voice small and strained. “And he was the dumbest thing I ever did.”

 

 

[CHAPTER 30]

 

“His name was Gary,” Jim offered, his voice small and strained. “And he was the dumbest thing I ever did.”

 

Leonard placed a hand against Jim’s back, feeling the tension in the muscles there. He was practically vibrating with it. It was hard, listening to the pain in Jim’s voice and not being able to look him in the eyes. But he had a feeling that the omega needed the illusion of privacy to get this out. Leonard sidled a little closer to Jim in the bed, hopefully not so close as to be oppressive, but enough to let Jim know he wasn’t alone. Leonard felt the hand on Jim’s back rise and fall with a particularly deep breath.

 

“I met him when I was sixteen. I had just manifested a few months before,” Jim continued. “I was a pretty fucked-up kid. You know about my dad. My mom was never around, and my stepfather and I didn’t have the best relationship,” Jim laughed humorlessly. “He was an abusive dick, actually.”

 

Leonard listened quietly, his thumb tracing small circles across Jim’s spine.

 

“I had no idea what I was doing,” Jim’s voice cracked slightly on the last word. “My first few heats had been humiliating disasters. And then suddenly there was Gary. He was 19, and I thought he knew everything, had seen and done everything. He told me so much about what omegas should be like, about what was expected of them.” Jim’s voice turned bitter. “And like a fucking sap, I never stopped to realize that he was just turning me into what he wanted me to be.”

 

“It wasn’t that bad at first. He treated me as something other than my father’s son or the town fuck-up. He was better than any other alpha I’d had. He wasn’t too rough, he didn’t hurt me, didn’t humiliate me just for the hell of it. Not in the beginning.”

 

Leonard wondered what Jim’s definition of ‘too rough’ was. Then he remembered the way Jim had tensed with fear under his hands their first night together.

 

Jim sighed tiredly. “I guess it happened so gradually I didn’t notice it at first. The things he would say, the way he would treat me. The things he started doing to me when we were-" Jim faltered over the words. "Everything started changing and I was too wrapped up in it to really see it for what it was.”

 

There was a significant pause, the silence stretching out between them. Leonard waited it out, knowing how much it was taking for Jim to get this out after five years of silence.

 

“I was with him for two years. By the time those two years were over I didn’t recognize myself. And I couldn’t stand the person that he had turned me into. The things that I would put up with, the way I let him treat me, the things I let him do to me.” Jim’s voice had lost some of its cool impartiality, rising in pitch and volume.

 

Leonard made a soothing noise, giving up his distance and moving flush up against Jim’s back, draping an arm over him, hand splayed on the omega’s chest, anchoring him.

 

“You were in love with him.” It was half statement, half question, and Leonard cursed himself for wanting to know the answer so badly.

 

If the question bothered Jim, he didn’t let on. “I don’t know. I think maybe I was. Or I think maybe I just needed him. So then when he finally hurt me bad enough I decided I was never going to need anyone that much again.”

 

“What happened?” Leonard asked, injecting all of the quiet support that he could into those two words.

 

This time the silence stretched out so long that Leonard wondered if Jim was going to answer, or whether he was just going to shut down under the weight of those memories.

 

“It happened right after I turned 18. Gary had been more … inventive lately. I think part of me knew he was planning something, but I didn’t want to believe it would be that bad.” Jim shuddered slightly, and Leonard tightened his grip around the omega. “I was heavy into my heat, waiting for him to come home. He liked to keep me waiting, liked it better when I was desperate and begging. Because he knew that when I was that way that I’d do whatever he asked.”

 

Jim’s voice had gone cold again, almost clinical in its dispassion. “He came home late, and he had someone with him. I figured he was just having someone watch us. He’d done it before. I didn’t like it, but I wasn’t a prude, and I wasn’t in much of a position to complain. There are parts of it I don’t remember very well. I mostly just remember Gary telling me over and over how good I was doing, how proud he was of me.”

 

Leonard felt a sick feeling taking residence in his gut.

 

“He gave me to someone else. He sat there and told me what a good omega I was while he let someone else fuck me. I remember hating it, hating every second of it, feeling sick from it, but I couldn’t stop because he was my alpha and he fucking gave me away.” Jim hissed the last few words out like they were physically painful to say.

 

Leonard’s head reeled. He felt simultaneously murderous and abjectly ill. The very idea was an anathema to Leonard; the idea that an alpha could watch someone take his mate, to abuse him as he was helpless in his heat. His grip tightened involuntarily. Jim reached up and placed a hand over Leonard’s own. “You were mated to him, weren’t you? You were claimed?” Leonard asked hoarsely.

 

“Yeah. More fool me, I guess.”

 

“Don’t say that,” Leonard returned passionately. “What he did to you was not your fault. Jesus, Jim. He was mated to you. Do you have any idea what that means to an alpha? He should have taken care of you. He should have protected you.” Leonard choked on the words. “What he did to you was sickening. It was literally criminal. He fucking had you raped, Jim.”

 

Jim didn’t reply for the longest time, so long that Leonard wondered whether he’d spoken out of turn, had compounded the other man’s upset. But he couldn’t help it. He had a belly full of righteous anger, and the idea that there was someone walking on the earth who had done that to Jim made his vision blur and his chest fill with impotent fury.

 

Jim’s hand gripped his own tightly, tight enough to be painful. “He’s here. He’s on this campus.”

 

All the fire inside Leonard turned to ice. “What?” he asked in disbelief.

 

“He’s on this campus. I saw him for the first time today,” Jim let out a humorless bark of laughter. It resounded in the small room. “I thought I was gonna piss myself when I saw him.”

 

“What the fuck is that piece of shit doing here? You saw him?”

 

Leonard felt Jim shrug against him. “He goes to the academy. I knew he was here. I just thought that on a campus with a couple thousand people and him being fourth year that I would never have to actually deal with him.”

 

“You saw him?” Leonard repeated, unable to get past the fact that Jim had been exposed to Gary after such an experience. “What happened? He didn’t do anything to you, did he?”

 

“No. I saw him from across the quad. He just stared at me and smiled. Besides, he wouldn’t dare touch me. The last time we saw each other I threatened to kill him if he laid a hand on me again. And I broke his jaw.”

 

Leonard smiled for the first time since this whole horrible revelation; it was a hard, vindictive expression. “Good,” he spat. For a man who could be so submissive in his heat, Jim was fierce in a fight. Leonard had seen him in action.

 

Jim sighed shakily. It was a slightly watery sound, and Leonard wondered if he was crying again. The alpha was filled with so many emotions he felt like he might explode from it. The anger still burned under the surface, but foremost was pain for what Jim had gone through and an aching sort of tenderness that had taken residence in his chest. He placed his lips against the back of Jim’s neck, murmuring into his skin. “I wish I had been there. I wish I had been there to protect you.”

 

“It was five years ago, Bones. And I’m not your responsibility,” Jim answered gently. Leonard knew that Jim had not meant it that way, but the statement hurt just the same.

 

He wanted to argue Jim’s words. He wished he had been there today when Jim had been forced to face down the worst memory of his life. He wished he could do far worse to this Gary than break his jaw. He wished it had been him who had gotten to Jim first. Wished it had been him who had claimed him when he was vulnerable and scared and new to the world, wished he could erase the whole horrible affair from Jim’s life. He wished it was his right to protect Jim from bastards like Gary. He wouldn’t abuse his trust like that miserable fucker had.

 

He wished Jim was his.

 

There should have been some kind of revelation in this. Some kind of shock. Instead there was a strange sort of relief in finally admitting it to himself. “Jim,” he said hoarsely, trying out the name with his mouth. Despite its familiarity, right now it felt new, changed somehow.

 

“It’s okay, Bones,” Jim replied sadly, exhaustion clear in his voice.

 

Leonard’s timing was terrible. He knew this. Knew he should wait until Jim was less vulnerable, less raw and exposed. But he also knew that this was the most open Jim had ever been with him. And he also wondered whether his courage would dry up in the harsh light of day. And he wanted this with everything in him.

 

“Jim. When your next heat comes, I want to claim you.”

 

He could feel the sharply indrawn breath. Jim’s voice was choked when he answered. “You don’t want to do that, Bones. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

 

“Don’t tell me what I know and what I don’t know,” Leonard countered calmly. He had expected resistance. Had expected some walls to come up. But he had the patience to scale them.

 

Jim twisted in his arms, moving to lay on his back, looking at Leonard with sad, red-rimmed eyes. “You’re just saying this because of what I told you. You’re being all alpha and protective, and I appreciate that. But you don’t want me. Trust me, Bones, I’m too fucked-up. You don’t want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life.”

 

“Let me be the judge of who I want and who I don’t want.”

 

Jim sighed in frustration. “And in two more years when we graduate, will you feel the same? I’m headed out into the black. Deep space. You don’t want to come with me.”

 

Leonard frowned, divots appearing in his brow. “You seem to be awfully sure of what I want. What do you want?”

 

“It doesn’t matter what I want, Bones.”

 

“Tell me you don’t want it, and I’ll let it go. Tell me that some part of you doesn’t want it.” Leonard’s thumb rubbed circles where it rested on Jim’s chest, trying to soothe the conflicted expression on the omega’s face.

 

Jim’s gaze was so open in that moment, that Leonard could see the battle playing out in his eyes. He could also see the moment when the battle was lost, and Jim’s face closed down. He opened his mouth to answer and Leonard brought his fingers to Jim’s lips, silencing him.

 

Leonard was taking the coward’s way out, he knew. But he couldn’t bear to hear that Jim didn’t want him, not when he felt all the way down in his bones that Jim did. The omega just didn’t think he had the right to want this for himself. “Don’t answer now. We have time. I’ll wait as long as I have to. Think about it.”

 

Jim studied him long and hard, and for a moment Leonard thought he was going to go ahead with his refusal. Leonard’s breath stopped in his chest and he felt like his whole life was waiting on the next moment. Which pretty much it was.

 

Jim slowly nodded, and Leonard let out the breath that he was holding. He tried not to let the disappointment overwhelm him as Jim turned his back on Leonard again. But the younger man didn’t resist when the alpha again wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close.

 

Leonard didn’t think he was going to sleep at all that night, between the lingering shock at Jim’s confession and the omega’s near-rejection. But Jim was warm and soft against him, and his breathing was steady. No matter what Jim decided, Leonard had this now. His grip on Jim slackened as he dropped into sleep. His last thought was how good it felt to fall asleep entwined with Jim, and the wish that it would always be like this.

 

 

[CHAPTER 31]

 

Jim felt the moment when Bones’ breathing evened out. He envied the doctor. Jim wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight.

 

He felt like he had aged about ten years today. Between running into Gary and reliving two years of tortured memories and Bones’ bombshell, he was reeling. So many thought swirled through his head that he had trouble grasping at any one of them. Foremost among them was the idea that Bones wanted him. Him. And not just for a night or a few heats, but wanted him for a mate. Wanted to claim him, to put his mark on him and keep him. The permanent kind of want.

 

When Jim had mated with Gary, he was sixteen and had no idea the meaning of a lifetime commitment. What kid did at sixteen? He had, as he had in so many other things, gone along with Gary. He had trusted the man to do right by him, even though he knew, in the back of his mind, that his trust was being abused.

 

He knew Bones would never do that to him. He trusted the alpha all the way down.  He trusted Bones not to hurt him, not to use him, not to betray him. But he didn’t trust Bones not to make a mistake out of some misguided protective alpha instinct. And Jim was a lot of things, but he didn’t thing he could stand being a mistake.

 

And despite all the trust there was still fear. Jim had not just been trying to dissuade Bones when he had brought up where they would be at the end of the next two years. They were bound for different destinations, wanted different things, had careers of their own to pursue.

 

When Jim had broken things off with Gary, the withdrawals had been like dying, even on the suppressants. Breaking a mating bond was a painful thing for an omega. Each heat his body had raged, demanding that he submit to his chosen partner, even though that partner was no longer there. The only thing that got him through it was his lingering fury at the way Gary had betrayed him, and the hope that life would be better on the suppressants.

 

He couldn’t go through that again. He wouldn’t survive it. And when Bones realized how fucked-up Jim really was and left him, Jim would go through it all again, this time without the help of the suppressants. And what would their relationship be like, in the wake of a broken mating bond? He would lose his mate and his best friend.

 

He would lose everything. He stood to lose everything that kept him going.

 

He should have persisted. He should have told Bones no, rather than drawing this out into something more painful for the other man. But the alpha had been so honest and nakedly yearning about it. And Jim had been weak. Had let himself believe for a moment in something he would never be allowed to have.

 

Bones made a soft noise in his sleep, his grip on Jim tightening. Jim’s traitorous mind and body felt a trickle of comfort at the contact. He reached an arm up, placing his hand over Bones’, prompting another sleepy murmur out of the other man. They lay for the rest of the night, entwined and separated by dreams and private agonies, until the sky began to lighten, and another day began.

 

 

[CHAPTER 32]

 

Jim did his best to slip from Bones’ bed without waking the other man. He made it all the way to sitting on the edge before Bones awoke, causing Jim to curse inwardly. It was cowardly of him, he knew, to try and sneak out of Bones’ room unnoticed. He felt like an asshole and an ingrate, but he just couldn’t deal with this right now. He still felt raw after the events of yesterday, still reeling after the events of last night. He needed time and space.

 

Bones looked at him with a sleepy, confused expression that just made Jim’s heart ache. Jim reached up to run his fingers through the alpha’s thoroughly disheveled hair. “Go back to sleep. It’s early.”

 

Unfortunately Bones felt more like talking than sleeping. While Jim had too much of the former last night and not enough of the latter. “Were you leaving?” Bones asked, reaching up and running his hand down Jim’s arm. His voice wasn’t accusatory, but it gave Jim a sharp stab of guilt.

 

“I need a shower and I need to get back to my dorm,” Jim replied evasively.

 

“Jim,” Bones said, his voice part plea and part warning. “Don’t.”

 

“Bones,” Jim uttered miserably. “Why are you doing this?”

 

“Because I want you,” Bones explained simply, continuing to stroke his hand up and down Jim’s arm. “Why is that so hard for you to believe?”

 

“But why?”

 

The alpha raised an eyebrow. The expression was so familiar that Jim felt a lump in his throat. “I need to have a reason?”

 

Jim shook his head. “This is all my fucking fault. If I had never come to you in the beginning, then –“

 

Bones broke in, his voice insistent. “I would have wanted you anyway. I wanted you even before you came to me. I just didn’t realize it yet.”

 

Jim wondered where Bones got all this surety from. He seemed so calm, so convinced that Jim was it for him. And Jim felt like a pathetic fucking mess. “How can you be so sure about this, Bones? There are so many things you don’t know about me.”

 

“And there are things you don’t know about me,” the alpha countered. “You're not the only one with a past. It doesn’t change the fact that I want you for who you are. Not who you were and what you’ve done.”

 

Jim felt something fracture deep in his chest when Bones sat up, sheets pooling in his lap, and drew Jim toward him, taking his lips in a long, soft kiss. Jim couldn’t help but clutch at the other man’s shoulders, torn between pulling forward and pushing away. There was nothing sexual about it, despite the fact that they were both naked and sitting on Bones’ bed. The alpha pulled away and pressed his forehead against Jim’s own, hands resting on the omega’s sides.

 

“Please, Jim. Think about it.”

 

Jim thought. He thought about what it would be like to wake up with his best friend every day. To go through his heats with him, to know that he had someone he could trust to see him through each and every one. The idea was so seductive that Jim found himself captivated. He let out a long shuddering sigh.

 

“Yeah, Bones. I’ll think about it,” he replied, meaning it for the first time.

 

 

[CHAPTER 33]

 

Jim did nothing but think about it.

 

It was the first thought when he woke up in the morning, and the last before he went to bed. It even invaded his dreams; sometimes bliss-filled dreams, sometimes nightmares. He ate, slept and breathed Bones’ question for the next solid week.

 

He distanced himself from the alpha. He wasn’t doing it purposely. It was just too much; to be with him and have to think about being with him. He found that when he was with Bones, the urge was overwhelming to simply give in, to say yes on the spot. It didn’t matter that Bones bitched and groused and indulged in way too much sarcasm like he always did. Jim found that he was drawn to these qualities as much as he was the softer ones.

 

So Jim buried himself in his classes. His course load was grueling thanks to his accelerated schedule. He saw Bones in the few subjects they had together, a few shared meals, and that was about it. But when he was around the alpha he couldn’t help but watch him, studying everything about him, his mannerisms, the way he scowled readily and smiled rarely. It made his smiles all the more valuable. And Jim would catch Bones looking at him sometimes, see the naked yearning on his face and the omega’s resolve to wait, to be absolutely sure, was nearly fractured every time. So he stayed away.

 

He missed Bones in his self-imposed exile, more than he thought possible. He wondered if this was a taste of how he would feel if he and the alpha truly went their separate ways. The thought of it, of no longer having Bones in his life made him feel like he had a block of ice in his guts. He needed Bones. But did he need him as a friend, or as a mate? The latter word brought back haunting memories of his years with Gary. Of having his identity subsumed by someone else. Of the stifling oppression and helplessness of it, the feeling of being trapped in an ever tightening cage.  Trapped into something you had long since ceased to want.  But that was Gary, and this was Bones, he would remind himself. Bones had never made him feel anything but protected and valued and equal. Jim found himself, much of the time, trapped in a cycle of contradictory thought, circling the same well-worn path and never getting anywhere.

 

But if Bones didn’t take him to mate, if he didn’t yield to Bones’ claim, one day he might have to watch the alpha claim another. The idea made him physically ill. He was stuck between two equally terrifying choices: losing Bones and having him. And the having was almost as terrifying as the losing.

 

Rarely, very rarely, he let himself imagine what it might be like if he said yes. He would lay in his bunk, in the middle of a sleepless night, and imagine what it would be like to have Bones there with him. To know that neither of them was going anywhere without the other. To know that he had someone to whom he belonged. Not in any kind of ownership capacity, but rather like having a home to return to; someplace that provided shelter and succor and protection from the harsh edges of the world. The thought was warm, and comforting, and simultaneously terrifying, and he would recoil from it, like someone who has seen something too bright, touched something too brilliant. It was either retreat from it or be burned.

 

 

[CHAPTER 34]

 

Leonard wondered, as he sat poking at the fare the academy establishment laughingly called food, if this was what it felt like to have your fate completely in someone else’s control. As a doctor he held people’s lives in his hands. He wondered if it was anything like having your heart resting in someone else’s hands, waiting for them to either embrace it, or hand it back to you. Leonard remembered putting Jim off when he had asked Leonard to continue their monthly liaisons, remembered making him wait for the answer. If this was how Jim had felt at the time, Leonard owed him an apology.

 

It had been over a week since that night, the one where Leonard had laid his heart on the line and asked Jim for the right to claim him. Since then they hadn’t really been alone together. Jim was keeping his distance while he made up his mind, which Leonard could understand, even if it didn’t make the waiting any easier. Leonard honestly had no idea what was going on in Jim’s head, had no idea whether he was winning the fight for Jim or slowly losing ground.

 

Leonard continued his introspection as he indulged in one of his more recent bad habits. The public file of one cadet Gary Mitchell stared back at him from his padd. In the past few days his anger towards the man hadn’t lessened any. It probably never would. He would admit to scanning the mess every so often, seeing if he could pick out the now-well-known and well-loathed face among the crowd that had assembled for the evening meal.

 

“I wondered how long it would take you,” a familiar voice cut in from just behind him.

 

Leonard smiled grimly to himself. “Are you kidding? I looked up this fucker the very next day.”

 

Jim moved into the seat across from Leonard. He didn’t have a meal tray, but he was nursing a cup of coffee. Leonard looked at him pointedly.

 

“Relax, doc. I ate my dinner already,” Jim reassured, his lips twisting up at the corners.

 

“And now you’re just imbibing massive amounts of caffeine? At what?” He checked the time on his padd. “1900?”

 

Jim shrugged. The conversation felt awkward, stilted, and Leonard ran a hand through his hair in frustration, tossing his padd to the table.

 

“Tell me about it,” Jim agreed.

 

The alpha sighed. “I didn’t want it to be like this, Jim.”

 

“I know. I saw you here and I almost didn’t come over,” Jim admitted. “But the last thing I want is you thinking I’m avoiding you. I’m not.” Jim faltered for the right thing to say. It was a unique experience, catching Jim Kirk at a loss for words. “I just need time.”

 

“I know. I told you to take all the time you need and I meant it.” Leonard supposed he should take this as a good sign, one that meant Jim wasn’t dismissing his proposal out of hand.

 

Jim nodded. “Now do I want to know why you’re looking up my ex?”

 

“Probably not,” Leonard admitted, going with the change in conversation.

 

“Just promise me you aren’t going to hunt him down or something.”

 

An eyebrow reached for Leonard’s hairline. “The thought never crossed my mind.”

 

“You don’t lie very well, Bones,” Jim informed him dryly.

 

“I’m a doctor, not a politician.”

 

Jim laughed, and Leonard had to smile at the sight. He wanted to see Jim always like that, smiling and at ease. It hurt him to know that wouldn’t be the case. Hadn’t always been the case.

 

Leonard looked at Jim solemnly. “Quid pro quo, Jim. If I have to promise not to hunt down the son of a bitch, you have to promise to tell me if he tries to pull anything.”

 

Jim frowned slightly. “And if he does?”

 

Leonard scowled. “Then I know at least half a dozen ways to end him and make it look totally natural,” the alpha threatened, only partly joking.

 

“Uh-huh.” Jim's frown twisted into a smile, apparently not that averse to the idea himself.

 

They sat together in companionable silence, while the student body milled around them. Jim’s eyes kept traveling back to Leonard. His gaze on the alpha was considering, thoughtful, as if he were trying to glean some truth about Leonard he didn’t already know. Leonard tolerated the study with forbearance.

 

Jim downed the last of his coffee. “I should get back. I have an exam coming up. The history of first contact isn’t going to study itself.”

 

Leonard rose with him. “I’ll walk you.”

 

Jim looked at him with an amused expression. “I don’t need an escort.”

 

“Well, maybe I want the company,” Leonard said seriously.

 

Jim eyed him as if trying to gauge his sincerity. Leonard was sincere. He was, in many ways, old fashioned. He had been taught that you courted the omega you wanted to take to mate. And, besides, he wanted to spend as much time with Jim as possible before the younger man retreated to further think about Leonard’s proposal.

 

Jim apparently was satisfied by what he saw in Leonard’s face, waiting for the alpha to gather up his tray and dispose of it before they both headed out into the cool evening air. The sky was beginning to darken, and the silence was comfortable as the two men walked together, shoulders brushing occasionally. Leonard wondered what it would be like to do this every day, to know they were headed to the same destination, the same bed at the end of the night. To be able to walk across the campus with Jim and have everyone know that the omega was his. The feeling of contentment that settled inside him must have been visible on his face.

 

Jim gave him a sidelong glance, “Good thoughts?” he asked.

 

He gave the omega a meaningful look. “Very good,” he replied, the ghost of a smile on his lips.

 

The darkening sky made it hard to see clearly, but Leonard thought he saw a flush creeping up the other man’s neck. “You’re not making it any easier to make a decision, you know,” Jim informed him.

 

“Maybe that’s the idea,” Leonard admitted. “Maybe I’m trying to tip the scales in my favor.”

 

“That’s fighting dirty,” Jim said with shadow of his usual grin.

 

“All’s fair in love and war.”

 

Jim definitely did flush at that, looking very deliberately straight ahead. “Jesus, Bones. Who knew you were such a romantic under all that grumping?”

 

“Just don’t let it get around. You’ll ruin my reputation as miserable bastard.”

 

Jim chuckled, rolling his eyes before he turned his gaze forward again. Jim’s dorm came into view, and Leonard choked back a sigh. They would get there, and Jim would retreat again to ruminate on Leonard’s proposal. The next time he came to Leonard, would he come with an answer? Or would Leonard be stuck in this purgatory of waiting even longer? Jim’s next heat was in less than three weeks. Would Jim really make him wait that long? And what if Jim didn’t submit to his claim? Would Jim turn from him completely, or would Leonard have to go through Jim’s heat with the burning urge to claim, never being allowed to take what was right there in front of him?

 

Leonard was jerked from his thoughts when Jim stopped abruptly. Leonard heard his sharply indrawn breath. The expression on the younger man’s face made a chill run up Leonard’s spine. Eyes wide, lips parted, his face a mixture of surprise and anger. Leonard jerked his head around to follow Jim’s line of sight.

 

What the alpha saw made his blood feel like ice and fire, he was so filled with fury. There, leaning casually against the entryway of Jim’s dorm, illuminated by the artificial lighting, was the man who Leonard had cursed on a daily basis since the doctor had learned of his existence.

 

Leonard heard himself snarl, felt himself moving forward before even giving his body conscious permission. He was stopped by Jim’s hand on his arm, gripping hard, pulling him back. He almost shook the other man off, almost succumbed to the desire to bowl forward and launch himself at the son of a bitch.

 

“Bones! Bones, no!” Jim insisted. There was a kernel of fear in his voice, but it was steady. “Look at me!” the omega demanded.

 

Leonard tore his eyes away from Mitchell with a furious scowl. He took in Jim’s countenance. The younger man was pale, but the terror in his eyes had been replaced by determination.

 

“Stay here, Bones. Let me talk to him,” Jim said firmly.

 

“Bullshit!” Leonard hissed. “Jim, you’re not going face that fucker alone.”

 

Jim didn’t let go of the grip he had on Leonard’s arm. “We’re in public, in the middle of the campus. What’s he going to do?”

 

Every protective instinct the alpha had was rebelling violently against the idea. “Dammit, Jim-“ he started.

 

“Bones!” Jim interrupted, his voice sharp, his grip on Leonard’s arm tightening momentarily. “Will you can the overprotective shit for five minutes?”

 

Leonard’s scowl deepened even further. Jim was omega. He had no idea the level of rage that was buzzing through Leonard right now. Had no idea the fierceness of the urge to protect.  Jim was asking for the impossible. Leonard opened his mouth to protest again.

 

“Bones,” Jim started, changing tactics. His voice was softer as he placed a hand on Leonard’s chest. “I need to deal with this. You can’t do it for me. He’s never going to leave me alone if I don’t deal with him.”

 

“Never going to-“ Leonard’s eyes widened in understanding. “He’s done this before? Jim, has he been harassing you?” The anger was back in full force. Leonard turned to look daggers at the man who was patiently watching them from a distance with an amused smirk on his face.

 

“Mostly just showing up to stare at me like some fucking creeper,” the omega confirmed.

 

A small part of Leonard’s anger refocused itself on Jim, accompanied by a sizeable amount of hurt. “Why the hell didn’t you say anything?” Leonard’s tone was accusatory.

 

“Because I knew you’d act like this! Christ, Bones, let me fight my own battles. I’m not some fucking flower that needs to be protected.”

 

There was some kind of test here, Leonard knew. Jim was a fiercely independent man. He would not tolerate being coddled, or stifled, or being treated like he was weak. But after what Mitchell had put him through, how could he expect Leonard to just stand there and watch Jim face him alone? Leonard remembered vividly the feel of Jim shuddering against him as he had wept out his fear and anger.

 

“Seriously, Bones. He can’t pull anything out in the open like this,” Jim pressed. “And you’ll be right here if I need backup.” Jim’s tone was low, soft, pitched to soothe. Jim was trying to placate him, Leonard knew. He also knew that a determined Jim Kirk could be an immoveable object. Trying to move him was futile, and would only damage their relationship, not to mention Leonard’s suit for the omega.

 

Leonard shifted his eyes to Mitchell and back, fighting back the urge to growl out his frustration. He gave Jim a short nod.

 

Jim’s hands fell away. He gave Leonard a pale imitation of his usual smile before he turned towards his dorm and the man who waited in front of it.

 

Leonard looked on, his every instinct protesting the fact that he was watching his omega walk away from him and towards his former mate. The mate who had betrayed him and abused him and who was still very much a threat in Leonard’s mind, despite the fact that they were out here in the open, with a smattering of cadets interspersed around them.

 

Leonard watched Jim approach Mitchell. He couldn’t see Jim's face from this angle, but he had a clear view of the other man. Leonard didn’t like this one bit. Didn’t like the smirk that widened across Mitchell’s face as Jim approached. Didn’t like how he stepped forward, getting far further into Jim’s space than Leonard would have liked.  Mitchell’s bearing was confident, even cocky.

 

He couldn’t understand what was being said from this distance, and he had to fight the urge to move closer. He had told Jim that he would let him handle this, as much as his every instinct balked at the idea. Time seemed to stretch out as he watched the two men.

 

Jim raised his hand in a sharp, irate gesture, and even from this distance Leonard could hear the sound of a voice raised in anger. Mitchell's smile widened. Leonard felt his loathing for the man grow even stronger, if that were possible.

 

Leonard’s tension continued to rise as he watched, until he was practically vibrating from it. It all broke over him at once when he observed Mitchell step even closer and grasp Jim by the arm. He was dimly aware of Jim swatting the alpha’s hand away, shoving him forcefully back, but by then Leonard was in motion.

 

Mitchell’s eyes widened slightly at the sight of the furious alpha advancing on him, the cocky expression leaving his face for the first time. He wasn’t fast enough to avoid Leonard when the doctor grabbed him by the front of his uniform and slammed him hard against the wall.

 

“You keep your fucking hands off of him,” Leonard snarled, getting right up into Mitchell’s face. Mitchell started to answer, the smile reforming on his face, and Leonard couldn’t resist pulling him forward just slam him back into the wall again, relishing the gasp Mitchell made as the air was knocked out of him.

 

“Now listen to me, you piece of shit –“

 

“Bones!” Leonard barely registered Jim’s hand gripping his shoulder.

 

“You stay away from him-“

 

“Bones!”

 

“Or, so help me, I will put you in the fucking ground.”

 

“Bones! Let him go. It’s not worth it,” Jim gripped his shoulder hard, trying to shake him out of the rage that had descended.

 

Leonard didn’t take his eyes of the hated face of Gary Mitchell. “Not worth it? After what he did to you, give me one reason-“

 

But Leonard was cut off by the sound of Mitchell’s full-throated laughter. Leonard looked at him like he wanted to burn him to ash with his eyes alone.

 

“Been telling stories again, Jimmy?” Mitchell’s voice was amused, despite the fact that he was still being pressed bodily into the wall.

 

Leonard’s eyes narrowed, the urge to punch the other alpha right in his smug face was near-overwhelming.

 

“He always did tend towards the dramatic.”

 

Leonard could hear Jim’s voice, choked with fury, from over his shoulder. “Dramatic? You are so full of shit, Gary. You know what you did.”

 

Mitchell ignored Jim, focusing on Leonard instead, who still had his hands fisted in the other man’s uniform. “I don’t know what he told you, buddy. But he took it like a champ.”

 

Leonard drew his arm back.

 

“And he liked it.”

 

The feeling of his fist connecting with Mitchell’s jaw was satisfying, so much so that he had the urge to do it again and again. To do it until the other alpha stopped moving, stopped running his traitorous mouth. He drew his fist back for another swing, but Jim gripped him by the elbow, holding him back.

 

“Bones. Bones, please.” The raw pain in Jim’s voice was what made him stop, more than the restraining hand. This was hurting Jim. Any time spent in Mitchell’s presence hurt him, and as much as Leonard wanted to give Mitchell the pounding he so richly deserved, Jim was his first priority.

 

Mitchell stretched his jaw, his mouth reforming into the smirk that seemed to be a permanent feature. His eyes were cold, malicious as he studied Leonard.

 

Jim continued to plead with Leonard. “Bones, just let him go and let’s get the hell out of here.”

 

The two alphas glared at each other for a long moment. Then Leonard slowly released his grasp on Mitchell’s uniform, stepping away, yet not taking his eyes off the man for a second.

 

When Jim stepped up beside him, Leonard could feel him vibrating with anger and adrenaline. “Get the fuck out of here, Gary,” Jim ground out. “Come back and I’ll report you for harassment. We’ll see how that looks on your record.”

 

When Mitchell turned his cold eyes on Jim, Leonard was gripped with another urge to pound the man’s face.

 

The parties squared off against each other for a long moment, neither alpha wanting to back down. Finally, Mitchell, with his omnipresent smug expression, brushed past the pair, favoring Jim with another icy glare as he went. The few onlookers that the altercation had drawn quickly dispersed. Probably they feared getting caught in any discipline that might be meted out.

 

As soon as Mitchell was out of the immediate vicinity, Leonard turned to Jim. He took in the omega’s shell-shocked, glazed expression, his pallor, and made his decision. He wrapped an arm around Jim’s shoulders.

 

“You’re coming with me. You can stay at my place tonight,” Leonard told the omega.

 

Jim sighed out his exhaustion. “Bones-“ he started.

 

“Don’t argue with me for once,” Leonard said gently. “I’m not leaving you alone.”

 

Jim didn’t answer, he simply fixed his gaze downward, a frown creasing his brow.

 

“What?” Leonard asked.

 

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Jim informed him dazedly, shaking off Leonard’s arm and stumbling to the shrubs that decorated the exterior of the dorm. Leonard followed him, placing a hand on Jim’s back as he retched, rubbing circles there. It was, oddly, an inversion of their first meeting, this time with Leonard comforting Jim.

 

The gagging sounds stopped and Jim rose shakily to his feet, wiping his mouth off on the back of his hand. Leonard didn’t place much stock in Jim’s steadiness at this point, so he wrapped an arm around Jim’s waist, taking part of the omega’s weight as his own.

 

They made their way to Leonard’s dorm, mostly concealed from curious onlookers by the evening dark. Once there, Leonard eschewed the stairs for the lift, all the while concerned at Jim’s silence, at the way he was leaning so heavily on Leonard.

 

When they reached Leonard’s room, the doctor tried to steer Jim to the bed, but the omega resisted. “I need a shower. I feel filthy.”

 

Leonard was torn between sympathy for Jim and anger toward Mitchell. “I’ll help you,” he offered, still unsure of Jim’s ability to navigate under his own power.

 

“No,” Jim refused. “I can handle it.” He reclaimed his balance and headed for the bath, leaving Leonard standing in the center of the bedroom. The alpha listened for the sound of Jim’s tread across the tile, for the sound of the water turning on, all the sounds that would indicate that everything was alright.

 

But everything wasn’t alright. His omega was hurting, and he couldn’t do anything to assuage it. He could have pounded Mitchell, continued hitting him until he begged for mercy. But that wouldn’t have helped Jim any, wouldn’t have made the omega feel any less dirty, any less used. Even now Jim was in the shower, trying to rub the imaginary stain off his skin.

 

Leonard went and sat heavily on the side of the bed. Truthfully, Jim wasn’t even his to protect. He still did not have an answer to his proposal. And he had no idea how this latest crisis would affect Jim’s decision.

 

Leonard sat and wallowed in dark thoughts as he listed to the sound of running water. And listened. And listened. An uneasy feeling crept in when Jim still didn’t appear.

 

Leonard crossed to the bathroom, calling Jim’s name through the door. When he didn’t receive any answer, he quickly tabbed in the lock override, trying to reign in the kernel of panic that settled in his gut.

 

He found Jim on the floor of the shower, huddled under the steady stream, his skin red from the heat of the water. Leonard quickly ordered the shower off, grabbing a towel and draping it over Jim’s naked shoulders before helping him up. As it was, Jim was barely carrying his own weight. Leonard had to sit him on the closed toilet seat in order to help him dry off.

 

“My mouth tastes like puke,” Jim grumbled.

 

Leonard sighed, helping Jim up and handing him a toothbrush and paste. He hovered close, worried about the omega’s ability to stay standing under his own power.

 

Jim examined the toothbrush, a small frown creasing his forehead. “This isn’t your toothbrush.”

 

Leonard rolled his eyes. “No, it’s yours.”

 

Jim looked at Leonard, a small smile quirking one side of his mouth. “You got me a toothbrush?”

 

“Only because you kept stealing mine. It’s unhygienic.”

 

“Uh-huh,” Jim replied. The amusement in his voice gave Leonard some hope. Jim proceeded to brush his teeth mechanically, then finally let Leonard lead him to the bedroom and help him into bed. Leonard stood awkwardly next to the bed, not sure whether his presence would be welcome at this juncture. His conflict was settled when Jim looked at him with red-rimmed, tired eyes and reached out a hand.

 

Leonard stripped down to his boxers before sliding in next to Jim. Contrary to Leonard’s fears, his presence seemed very much welcomed. The omega wrapped his arm around Leonard and moved flush up against him, tucking his head under Leonard’s chin.

 

Leonard sighed, returning the embrace, clutching Jim tightly, reassuring himself of the other man’s presence. Jim was silent for so long that Leonard thought he had fallen right to sleep.

 

“It was like we lived two different realities,” Jim started, his breath wafting over Leonard’s chest. “He said I was making it up. That it didn’t happen the way I remember it. He said I liked it.”

 

Leonard reached up to massage the back of Jim’s neck. “Abusers do that, Jim. They twist the past into whatever form they have to. But you know he’s wrong. You know what happened. You lived through it and you survived.”

 

“I was afraid that you-“ Jim trailed off.

 

“Afraid that I what?”

 

Jim’s grip around Leonard tightened convulsively. “I was afraid that you’d believe him.”

 

Leonard drew away to look Jim in the eyes. The red that surrounded them made them appear even more blue. “I would never do that to you, Jim,” Leonard countered fiercely. “I wouldn’t think that of you. Whether you accept my claim or not, I would never betray you like that.”

 

Jim was quiet for a long moment before he exhaled shakily. “I’m so sorry, Bones.”

 

For one heartbreaking moment, Leonard thought that he had his answer, and that he was being rejected. Jim must have seen the dismay in his face.

 

“No, Bones. Not that. I’m just sorry for making you wait. I’m sorry I can’t give you an answer right now. You deserve better than that.”

 

The relief that gripped Leonard was enough to make his head swim. “I don’t want you to answer right now anyway,” he replied gently. “You’re too upset. I don’t want you deciding for the wrong reasons.”

 

Jim nodded slightly, a weak smile touching his lips, before tucking his head back under Leonard’s chin. Leonard couldn’t help dropping a kiss to the top of the blond head. Despite the awful events of the day, Leonard felt a kind of contentment settling over him. Jim was safe and under his protection, in his bed and in his arms. It felt all kinds of right. Leonard listened to the change in Jim’s breathing as he dropped off to sleep, going limp against him, a solid, reassuring weight. And when Jim stirred with nightmares, late in the night, Leonard did his best to chase them away, whispering soothing sounds and reassurances into the omega’s ear. Promises that he was safe, and protected, and nothing could hurt him here.

 

 

[CHAPTER 35]

 

What kind of alternate universe had he fallen into that not seeing Gary Mitchell for two weeks made him nervous? The man had gone from stalking him on an almost daily basis to being nowhere in sight.

 

Jim knew Gary well enough from their two years together to know that the man was not easily dissuaded. If Gary had something on his mind, something he wanted, it was unlikely that a few threats and a fist to the jaw would make him back down.

 

Jim just hoped to hell that what Gary wanted wasn’t him. Because no force on this planet or any other could make him go back to that.

 

At least not seeing his former mate prevented him from having to lie to Bones by omission. After the disastrous run-in with Gary, Bones had extracted another promise that Jim would let him know if Gary continued his pattern of harassment. It wasn’t that Jim wanted to keep Bones in the dark, he just didn’t trust that the other man wouldn’t do something rash out of some misguided protective instinct.

 

It had been satisfying, watching Bones take his fist to Gary’s face. Almost as satisfying as it would have been to do the pounding himself. There was a time when Jim would have been furious at the way Bones had stepped in, would have been furious at the idea that he needed to be protected.  But there was something right about knowing that Bones was in his corner. He was, all else aside, a friend. And Jim would have done the same for him had the situation been reversed.

 

It was finally sinking in. Bones was not Gary, was nothing like him. The way he had given Jim space through this whole affair? Gary would never have done that. His former mate had been an oppressive, controlling force in Jim’s life. Bones was the opposite, letting him go when he needed it, but welcoming him home in the end.

 

It was doubts about himself that held him back now. He knew he was damaged. That fact had been driven home by this most recent confrontation. Bones had spoken about his divorce rarely, but Jim had been able to glean a small measure of the pain that it must have cause the alpha. Jim’s track record was a string of one-night stands and Gary fucking Mitchell. Could he even give Bones what he needed as a mate? Bones seemed to think so, but Jim wasn’t so sure. What if Jim said yes, but in the end couldn’t be what Bones needed, what he deserved? Jim didn’t want to visit that kind of hurt again on Bones or himself.

 

Jim knew one thing for certain; he couldn’t keep stringing Bones along forever. It was cruel, and besides, his next heat was due soon. Very soon, if his cycle continued to run on the early side.

 

God, a week from now he could be mated, claimed, wearing Bone’s marks on his skin. It all depended on him, hinged on his decision. He held both their fates in his hands. The idea was terrifying. It was too much. But the decision was his to make. He would have to make it.

 

And so he did.

 

 

[CHAPTER 36]

 

Leonard showed up for his shift early, looking forward, for once, to the tedious work ahead. Anything to take his mind off the fact that Jim’s heat was in less than a week, and he still had no answer. And the longer it dragged on, the less certain he became.

 

Leonard was not an optimist by nature. And after the agonizingly slow withdrawal of his wife from their marriage, rejection was not an easy thing for him to contemplate. He was not a natural risk taker in his relationships. Jim would probably never understand how much it cost Leonard to put himself on the line like he did, just as Leonard would probably never understand what making such a decision was like for the omega.

 

He worked his way through the steady stream of outpatient visits; fixing injuries, dispensing hypos and writing prescriptions, occasionally beating his head against the wall with some of the dimmer members of the student body. Seriously, how some of these idiots had managed not to wash out already, Leonard would never know.

 

He was able to successfully put Jim out of his mind for the most part. At least until his comm chimed. The message was from one Kirk, J.T., asking him when his shift ended. Leonard felt his heart accelerate as he typed in his answer. The comm chimed again almost immediately with a request to meet at Leonard’s dorm after shift. This was it. Leonard felt it in his gut. He typed his answer with a speed that probably should have embarrassed him, but all he could think was that all this waiting was finally over. But now he would have to make it through the next – he glanced at the time – four hours. He couldn’t help the audible groan that escaped his lips. He closed his comm with a snap and dove back into the sea of patients, trying to ignore the fact that in a few hours, he would find out whether he had a friend, lover or mate in Jim Kirk.

 

***

 

Jim lay sprawled across his bed, staring at the comm still in his hand.

 

It was funny. He had expected to feel more settled, now that he had made his decision. Instead there was still the itch under his skin. The feeling of anxiety that made it impossible to sit still.  It was a feeling he either fought or fucked to relieve. And since fucking was out, that left him with the latter.

 

Jim heaved himself off his bunk abruptly, the need for motion, for any kind of activity, taking over. If he couldn’t sit with it, he would do the opposite. He would head for the gym, find himself a sparring partner and punch his way through it.

 

He added a fresh set of sweats to his gym bag, shoved his feet in his boots and headed for the door. He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn’t notice the man on the other side until he bodily ran into him, his bag dropping to the floor.

 

“Shit,” he cursed, looking up, expecting to see his roommate. “Sorry, man –“ The words died in his throat.

 

“Hey, Jimmy.”

 

To Jim’s credit, the stab of panic he felt didn’t make it to his face. Gary, he remembered, thrived on weakness. Jim poured all of the anger he felt into his next words.

 

“What the fuck do you want, Gary?”

 

Gary smiled, ignoring the hostile tone. Jim remembered that smile. Gary had used it a hundred times for a hundred attempts at reconciliation. And it had always worked save for one time, the last time. And there was no way in hell it would work now.

 

“I just want to talk.”

 

“No,” Jim said flatly, attempting to push past the alpha.  Gary stepped with him, impeding his movement.

 

“What do you want, Gary?” Jim asked angrily, his voice rising.  “Why are you doing this? You have to know I don’t want a goddamn thing to do with you after what you did. Or was breaking your jaw five years ago not clear enough for you?”

 

Gary rubbed his jaw meaningfully. “Your new boyfriend seems to have the same sense of unerring accuracy.”

 

“You should be glad he’s not here right now, or you’d be in one fucking world of hurt.”

 

Gary shook his head, his expression amused. “It’s not like you to hide behind an alpha. You’ve changed.”

 

“Yeah. I won’t put up with your shit anymore,” Jim replied pointedly. The initial shock of panic was wearing off, leaving behind it a well of anger that had been sitting inside him for the last five years. “Since you don’t seem to be getting it, let me spell it out for you.” Jim approached Gary, invading his space, squelching the uncomfortable feeling that rose up at being so close to the other man. “I want nothing to do with you. You know what you did, and nothing you say or do - nothing - can make up for that. I’ve moved on. Do the same, or I’ll report you for harassment.”

 

Some of the smugness seeped out of the alpha’s face. “Look at little Jimmy. All grown up.”

 

Jim made a disgusted noise. Clearly Gary wasn’t listening and there was nothing more to be said. He pushed past the alpha to head down the hall, suddenly wanting nothing so much as to be out of Gary's presence.

 

Jim was brought up short when a hand gripped him by the arm and jerked him back roughly. A wave of anger and fear traveled up his spine and he reacted, turning on Gary, knocking his hand away and giving a hard shove. The alpha stumbled back into the wall.

 

“Don’t you fucking touch me,” Jim grated out, loud enough to be heard by several cadets down the hall. They watched with interest the drama playing out between the two men. “You don’t have the right to touch me anymore.”

 

Gary recovered himself quickly, advancing on Jim again, his arms raised in a placating gesture. But Jim wouldn’t be placated at this point. His vision had turned to red, and he stepped into Gary, taking a hard swing.

 

Gary must have been expecting it, because he avoided the punch easily, grabbing Jim’s outstretched arm and twisting it behind his back before shoving him roughly, face-first, against the wall. Jim felt a ringing in his skull, pain blossoming behind his eyes and a sharp pain travelling up his shoulder.

 

“Jimmy, Jimmy,” Gary chided, his voice against Jim’s ear. “You can act all wronged and offended. But both of us know that part of you liked it. You like to submit. It’s what you were made for. The things I could do to you, Jimmy.”

 

Jim couldn’t repress a shiver of revulsion as he felt and hand travel down his side, his hip, coming to rest on the front of his thigh. The omega could feel Gary’s breath, hot and damp, wafting against the shell of his ear. His skin crawled and panic blossomed in his guts, followed by a surge of adrenaline and base fury.

 

Jim took his foot and brought it down hard, digging his heel into Gary’s boot at the same time he wrenched himself around, feeling something give in his shoulder, a white-hot pain taking residence in the joint there. Gary was thrown off balance and Jim wasted no time in using his full body to plow Gary into the far wall. The alpha couldn’t react fast enough to block the knee that came up hard into his groin. Gary doubled over, giving Jim time to bring up the same knee into Gary’s face.

 

The alpha fell to the floor, curled in on himself, and Jim couldn’t resist giving him a hard kick to the midsection while he was down. The breath left Gary’s lungs in a whoosh, leaving him gasping for air.

 

“You aren’t going to do a goddamn thing to me, you fucking piece of shit,” Jim yelled. “Because I’m not yours to do anything to! You don’t fucking own me! You never did!”

 

Jim readied himself to give Gary another boot to the abdomen when a sharp voice cut through the air, ordering him to back off. Jim’s head whipped around to see the red-uniformed men of campus security. The hall was littered with spectators who had come out of their rooms to watch the conflict.

 

Jim stumbled back, his head still ringing, his right shoulder feeling like a ball of fire. He clutched the arm tightly as he watched the officers advance. Jim explained himself in minimal terms, watched as they dragged the still-groaning Gary off the floor. The adrenaline was fading, leaving exhaustion and pain in its wake.

 

The only thing Jim could think, as the security personnel hauled them both, unresisting, towards Medical, was that Bones was going to go fucking ballistic.

 

 

[CHAPTER 37]

 

Leonard checked the chronometer for the umpteenth time that evening. Two hours to go. Two hours until he would have an answer to his proposal. If he weren’t so caught up in his own anxiousness, he would be berating himself for being so fucking pathetic.

 

He sat at the computer terminal and closed out his last patient, moving on to the next. He scanned the information on the triage screen and his breath stuttered in his chest momentarily. The name James T. Kirk glared at him from the terminal, closely followed by the name Gary C. Mitchell. He was out of his chair in a shot, grabbing his padd, heading to Jim’s exam room.

 

When he got there he saw Jim sitting on the side of the bed, shirtless, clutching his right arm and looking tired and dazed. He was flanked by a member of campus security, who appeared irritated as he spoke to Jim.

 

“I’ll ask you one more time, cadet. Explain what happened.”

 

Jim didn’t answer; he simply turned his gaze to Bones with a tired, weak smile.

 

Leonard put on his most professional face. “If you’ll excuse us officer, I’d like to examine my patient.”

 

The man looked like he wanted to argue the point, and then thought the better of it. He gave a curt nod and left the room. He no sooner did than Leonard was beside Jim, running his hands over him, needing to reassure himself of his safety. The doctor caught Jim’s wince as he ran a light hand over the omega’s right shoulder.

 

“I think it’s dislocated,” Jim offered. “And I have a bitch of a headache.”

 

A thousand questions swirled through Leonard’s mind. “Jesus, Jim, what happened?” he asked, part of him afraid of the answer. He quickly checked Jim’s pupillary responses, finding that they accommodated nicely, much to his relief.

 

Jim gave Leonard a one-shouldered shrug. Leonard glowered as he gingerly palpated the misaligned joint, his clinical findings consistent with what Jim already suspected. Leonard helped the omega lay back on the biobed, checking the readout for confirmation that Jim’s shoulder was indeed dislocated. He then grabbed a hypo of local analgesic and one of muscle relaxant and administered it gently to the joint. Jim grimaced nonetheless.

 

“Jim, talk to me,” the doctor said imploringly.

 

Jim didn’t look at Leonard, but focused his gaze on the blank white ceiling instead. “He came to my dorm room,” Jim began. “He said he wanted to talk.”

 

Leonard listened, hating the man in the next room more with each word that came out of his lover’s mouth.

 

“He told me that I was made for this. That I was made to be abused. That I liked it.”

 

Leonard’s voice was choked as he replied. “Dammit, Jim. You know that’s not true.”

 

Jim finally looked at Leonard. A weak smile flitting across his face. “Yeah, Bones. I know.”

 

Leonard dreaded asking his next question. “Did he do anything to you?”

 

A haunted expression flitted across Jim’s face, and was gone. “No,” he denied.

 

Leonard sighed, knowing that Jim was trying to spare him the details. “Tell me, Jim. Because you have no idea what I’m imagining here.”

 

Jim gave him an inscrutable gaze before focusing again on the ceiling. Like he couldn’t look Leonard in the eye and say the words. “He just –“ Jim faltered. “He put his hands on me. And I lost it. I got him in the balls, actually.” The omega huffed out a bitter laugh.

 

Leonard didn’t even try to curtail his sense of malicious satisfaction. “Good,” he replied. “How’s the shoulder feel?”

 

“Better.”

 

Leonard nodded. “I have to realign the joint. It’s going to hurt like a bitch.”

 

“I know,” Jim answered. “Been there before.”

 

Leonard helped Jim to a sitting position, gripped his arm and then stabilized his shoulder. “One … two …” He rotated the shoulder inward and then outward, applying traction, feeling the joint slide back into place.

 

Jim let out a strangled sound, tears coming to his eyes, but disappearing just as quickly. “What happened to three?” he asked, his voice choked.

 

“It works better if you don’t tense up,” Leonard explained, administering another hypo, this one an anti-inflammatory.

 

Leonard turned away to dispose of the used hypo when Jim reached out with his good arm, fisting a hand in Leonard’s shirt and hauling him into an embrace. Leonard settled obligingly between Jim’s spread thighs, wanting nothing more right now than to be close to Jim, to reassure himself of the other man’s safety, his solidity, his presence in Leonard’s arms.

 

Jim laid his head on Leonard’s shoulder, burying his face in the alpha’s neck. Leonard ran his hands up and down Jim’s back soothingly, careful of the man’s injured shoulder. They stayed like that for long moments, until Leonard heaved a sigh, drawing back enough to look Jim in the eyes.

 

“I have to go see Mitchell,” Leonard explained with a sour look on his face.

 

“You promise me you won’t try to euthanize him?”

 

“Oh, I promise,” Leonard replied vindictively. “I want him to suffer.” A thought occurred to the doctor. “What are you going to tell security?”

 

“The truth,” Jim answered. “That he got grabby, tried to put my face through a wall, and I fought back.”

 

Leonard felt a fresh wave of anger at Jim’s blunt description. He forced it down. “Are you going to tell them about how he’s been stalking you?”

 

Jim shook his head. “I don’t want to get into that. They’ll ask questions about the past, and I don’t want to relive that all over again. I’ve relived it too often lately.”

 

Leonard took a deep breath, steeling himself for Jim’s disagreement. “I think you should tell them everything.”

 

Jim looked at him disbelievingly. “What? Why?” the omega asked.

 

“Because it’s the only way to make sure that he stays damn good and far away from you, that’s why,” Leonard replied passionately. “At best he’ll have a permanent notation on his file, at worst they’ll psych eval him, find him unfit and he’ll get drummed out of the service.”

 

“There’s no way they’ll believe me.”

 

“I can corroborate the stalking part of it,” Leonard countered.

 

“You’re my mate, Bones. They won’t exactly find you impartial.”

 

The doctor was about to argue when Jim’s words hit him. Leonard’s eyes widened, his lips parted and his breath stuttered in his chest. “Your what?"

 

Jim looked at him, his eyes large and blue and impossibly bright. “Your mate. That is if the offer’s still open on your end.”

 

Only Jim would drop a bomb like that as if it were casual conversation. Hope rose inside Leonard like a wave, crashing in on him all at once. On its heels came a trickle of doubt.

 

“Jim, you’ve been through a hell of a day. I don’t want you to make a decision for the wrong reasons,” Leonard told the omega, the words feeling like they were wrenched out of him. He wanted desperately to accept Jim’s answer, but the cynic in him had a hard time believing in his own good fortune. God. What was wrong with him that when the thing he wanted most in the world was laid in front of him that he tried to turn it away?

 

Jim placed a hand on the side of Leonard’s neck, stroking the skin of his jaw. “I was going to tell you tonight. I decided before all this even happened,” Jim explained, his voice soothing. “That’s why I commed you. Why I wanted to meet you tonight.”

 

Leonard remembered. It seemed like an age ago, instead of a few hours. He found himself choked with hope. It was an overwhelming and terrifying and wonderful feeling. He stepped into Jim, pressing their foreheads together, wanting to be closer, but not wanting to relinquish the ability to look Jim in the eyes.

 

“You wanted to claim me,” Jim said, his voice barely more than a whisper. “Well, I submit.” Jim leaned in and pressed his lips to Leonard’s. The touch was soft, fleeting. “I submit,” he repeated gently, murmuring against the alpha’s mouth, and Leonard finally let himself believe.

 

This really wasn’t the time. Leonard was right in the middle of his shift, he had to go see that bastard Gary, and there was a goddamned security officer waiting outside the door. Despite this, Leonard couldn’t help himself from taking Jim’s lips. The kiss was thorough, and possessive, and Jim made a rolling, contented noise into Leonard’s mouth.

 

So many emotions rose up Leonard that he was hard-pressed to put a name to all of them. Foremost among them was a sense of overwhelming awe. In a week, maybe less, Jim would be his. The omega’s heat would come, and Leonard would take him and keep him, inscribe his marks into Jim’s skin.

 

Leonard pulled back and pressed their foreheads together again, gripping Jim by the back of the neck firmly, anchoring him, almost afraid the other man was going to disappear or change his mind. “Mine,” Leonard whispered. His voice held a creeping edge of wonder.

 

“Yours,” was Jim’s answer.

 

They stayed that way for long moments until Leonard let out a heavy sigh, switching gears, shutting down that part of himself and letting the professional take over. “Jim, I need-“

 

“To go see Mitchell,” Jim finished. “And I need to talk to our friend out in the hallway.”

 

Leonard reluctantly let Jim go, pulling away, dragging his hands away from warm skin. He studied Jim for a moment. He looked tired, a little pale, and it was clear from his expression that he was not looking forward to talking with security. Leonard wanted to reiterate his encouragement to tell them everything. But Jim was his own man; he would do what he felt he needed to do.

 

The security officer was still waiting in the hallway when Leonard left the room. “You can go back in,” he told the man. “But try to keep it brief.”

 

“Injuries?” the officer asked curtly.

 

Leonard scowled. “Dislocated shoulder. Looks like he sustained some minor head trauma, but no concussion.”

 

The officer nodded, moving past Leonard and into the exam room. Leonard couldn’t help taking a last look at Jim, still sitting on the biobed, looking pensive, before the door closed. Then he went to find Gary fucking Mitchell.

 

He found the man lying on a biobed in exam room B. Mitchell’s head turned when Leonard entered the room, his eyes widening in recognition, an expression of surprise crossing his face.

 

Mitchell rose to a sitting position with a slight wince, and Leonard remembered Jim telling him he got the bastard in the balls. Leonard didn’t bother suppressing the feeling of satisfaction he felt at the other man’s discomfort.

 

Leonard kept his face neutral as he crossed over to the biobed. “Complaints?” he questioned briskly.

 

“So, you’re a doctor,” Mitchell questioned. “Little Jimmy’s moving up in the world.”

 

Leonard glowered at Mitchell. “I’m asking you if you have pain. If I have to ask again, I’m walking out of this room and you’re on your own.”

 

“Well, my balls are killing me from where your boyfriend kneed me in them.”

 

“A blow you no doubt deserved,” Leonard answered coldly. “You’re on your own for that one. Anything else?”

 

“My ribs hurt,” Mitchell answered. “He kicked me when I was down,” the man sounded surprised at that.

 

Leonard’s glare lost none of its severity. “Lie back on the bed,” he ordered. Unlike with Jim, he didn’t bother to assist the other man. Once Mitchell was down, Leonard adjusted the readout to scan for breaks. There were none, although there were some muscle spasms in the intercostal spaces on the left side. The doctor loaded two hypos, one full of analgesic and one with local muscle relaxant and administered it none too gently to the affected area. Mitchell winced and fixed Leonard with a glare of his own. The two alphas traded meaningful looks for a moment, each refusing to back down.

 

Leonard spoke first, all business, despite the anger and disgust that burned just beneath the surface. “You can sit up. You have a couple bruised ribs. No breaks.”

 

The man swung his legs over the side of the bed, rising to a sitting position. A smirk widened Mitchell’s features even as his eyes continued to glitter maliciously. “Now why do you sound so disappointed about that, doctor?”

 

“Maybe because you assaulted my mate,” Leonard ground out. It wasn’t strictly true, not yet. But it was true in all the ways that mattered right now.

 

Mitchell’s face registered shock, then anger, his smirk falling away. “You’re lying,” he declared.

 

“Even if I was, it wouldn’t make any difference where you’re concerned. Jim is off-limits to you. He wants nothing to do with you, and, furthermore,” Leonard stepped forward, getting into Mitchell’s space, a clear challenge. “He’s mine.”

 

Mitchell sneered. “He was mine first. It bothers you doesn’t it? That I got there first?"

 

“What bothers me is what you did to him. How you treated him. Damn straight I wish I got there first. Then you wouldn’t have gotten your fucking claws in him at all,” Leonard growled. Mitchell opened his mouth to speak, but Leonard wasn’t finished. “But now he’s mine. You had your chance and you fucked it up. I won’t. So you stay good and clear, because if you so much as glance in his direction again, I will fucking end you.

 

Mitchell looked furious, like he was inches from taking a swing at Leonard.

 

“And if by some chance you don’t believe me, believe this.” Leonard stuck his finger in Mitchell’s face. “Jim is down the hall right now telling security everything, and I mean everything. So coming near him again won’t work out too well for you and your ‘Fleet file, if you catch my drift. If you value your career, you’ll stay far, far away.”

 

It was a bluff. But from the momentary look of panic on Mitchell’s face it had been at least partly effective, Leonard noted. Satisfied that he had gotten his point across, he stepped back, reaching for a regen unit and proceeding to strap it in place over Mitchell’s injured ribs. And if he strapped it a little too tightly for comfort, oh well.

 

Mitchell continued to glare at Leonard with impotent anger, but clearly knew when he was at a disadvantage.

 

Leonard picked up his padd, making a couple notations. He gave Mitchell one last disdainful look before exiting. He made his way quickly back to exam room D in time to see the security office leaving the room. The man had a closed-off expression and Leonard couldn’t help but wonder what Jim had told him.

 

“Doctor,” the officer said by way of acknowledgement. “You examined Cadet Mitchell?”

 

Leonard kept his voice carefully neutral. “He has a couple of bruised ribs and one swollen pair of testicles, but beyond that, he’s fine.”

 

The officer raised an eyebrow. “Consistent with being kneed in the groin and kicked in the ribs?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Cadet Kirk reports that he was pushed headfirst into a wall, and that his arm was wrenched when he tried to escape the hold of Cadet Mitchell. Are his injuries consistent with that?”

 

Leonard had to grit his teeth to keep a particularly vicious piece of profanity from escaping. “They are.”

 

“He also reports that you can corroborate claims that Cadet Mitchell was harassing him?”

 

Leonard nodded. “I can.”

 

The officer made a considering noise. “I’ll need to talk to you further after I question Mitchell.”

 

“I’m here ‘till 2300,” Leonard replied, not adding that he didn’t plan on staying a moment longer.

 

The officer headed down the hall and Leonard made a beeline into Jim’s exam room. He found the omega struggling to put his shirt on. Leonard made an irritated noise, crossing the small room quickly. “Hold it right there, Jim. “I still need to regen that shoulder.”

 

Jim wore a put-upon expression as Leonard helped him out of his shirt again. “Back on the table,” he ordered as he picked up a regen unit and started calibrating it.

 

“Jesus, you’re bossy,” Jim groused as he hefted himself back onto the biobed and lay down.

 

“Doctor’s prerogative,” Leonard explained dryly as he examined the display, noting that the inflammation had gone down and the muscles were no longer in spasm. He strapped the regen unit in place with much more consideration than he had shown Mitchell. He activated the unit and was about to pull away when Jim grabbed his hand, gripping it tightly.

 

“I told him what I could. It wasn’t everything. I just couldn’t go through that again,” Jim told Leonard hoarsely.

 

Leonard’s heart ached for the man on the bed. Jim’s expression was a mix of exhaustion and shame. The alpha reached up and ran his fingers through Jim’s short hair, comforting him the best he could in this setting. “I know, Jim. I’m proud of you. You did good.”

 

For a moment the only noise in the room was the quiet hum of the regen unit, then Jim closed his eyes and let out a long, shaky breath, leaning his head back, tilting into Leonard’s touch. Leonard yielded to temptation, leaning down and pressing his lips gently to Jim’s forehead. Jim’s hand tightened on his own, a silent acknowledgement that Leonard’s actions were understood and appreciated.

 

Leonard straightened, but continued to card his hand through Jim’s hair. There was a time not that long ago when Jim would have balked at showing such vulnerability to Leonard, would have snapped and snarled like the wounded creature he had resembled. How far Jim had come. How far they had come. And now, probably within the week, Jim would be his mate. Leonard would become the only one with the right to touch the omega like this.

 

Jim slowly opened his eyes, a ghost of his familiar smile flitting across his features. “Do I want to know what happened with you and Gary?”

 

Leonard shrugged, not taking his hands off Jim just yet. The possessive feelings created by his encounter with Mitchell were still humming through him. “I just told him the score.”

 

“Which is?”

 

“That you’re mine,” Leonard answered, feeling the words down to his core. “That he can’t have you. That if he tries to touch you again, he’ll regret it. And not just because you’ll kick him in the balls again.”

 

Leonard half expected Jim’s usual protestation that he could take care of himself, but the younger man just let out an amused huff. Then looked at him soberly. “I’ll be fine, Bones. And I’m sure you have work to do other than hold my hand,” he said gently.

 

Leonard frowned, and opened his mouth to protest, despite the fact that it was true.

 

“Go. Work,” Jim said firmly. “I’m not going anywhere.” He shrugged his injured shoulder, where the regen unit continued to hum away. “I need a few minutes to get my head on straight, anyway.” Jim released Leonard’s hand after giving it one last, meaningful squeeze.

 

Leonard sighed, unable to erase the frown from his features. He didn’t want to leave Jim alone, not with Mitchell just down the hall. Rationally, he knew that nothing would happen, but his every protective instinct balked at the idea nonetheless. Jim’s face was set determinedly, clearly not willing to accept no for an answer. Leonard knew better than to push the issue. Nothing would alienate Jim faster than trying to coddle him or being overprotective.

 

“Fine,” Leonard replied, still frowning. “But I’ll be back to take off the regen and see how your shoulder’s doing.”

 

Jim nodded, and gave Leonard a small, reassuring smile.

 

The doctor picked up his PADD and, after one last look, left the room and headed to his next patient. Leonard managed to see two other cadets, one with a clear case of the flu and another with a sprained ankle, before he judged it was time to check on Mitchell’s ribs and send him on his way, preferably never to be seen or heard from again.

 

He entered the exam room to find Mitchell still sitting on the side of the bed, scowling. Leonard decided anything that put such a sour face on the bastard was probably a good thing, although the campus security officer had a none too pleased expression on his face as well. Leonard looked pointedly between the two of them, asking the officer to excuse himself while Leonard finished treating his patient. Not that he gave a shit about Mitchell’s privacy, but a patient was a patient, no matter how much of a bottom-dwelling prick he was.

 

The doctor unstrapped the regen unit, and palpated the ribs firmly. Noticing no signs of discomfort, he pronounced Mitchell healed.

 

“Now get the hell out of here,” he added.

 

Mitchell looked ready to spit nails, his mouth set in a hard line, barely taking his eyes off Leonard long enough to pull his shirt on over his head. Leonard fervently hoped that the other man would leave without comment, because he didn’t know how much more he could take without taking a swing at the bastard. He thought he was going to get his wish until Mitchell, halfway to the door, turned and leveled the doctor with the same glare.

 

“Why Jimmy?” The disdainful expression didn’t lift, but there was an undertone of genuine curiosity underneath. “Why go through so much trouble for some hick omega with an inferiority complex from Asshole, Iowa?”

 

Leonard’s teeth clenched at the idea that a hateful, grasping idiot like this had ever laid hands on Jim. “You know what the sick thing is?” Leonard replied coldly. “You had him for two years and you still have to ask me that question.” He turned away from Mitchell, setting aside the used equipment for sterilization, purposely keeping his back turned until he heard the hiss of the door opening and closing. Then he sighed heavily and leaned against the biobed. What a long, strange, frustrating day this had become. And happy. He had received his answer today. Jim would be his mate, and no one, not Gary fucking Mitchell or anyone else, could rub the shine off that realization. Leonard smiled to himself as he finished making notations in Mitchell’s chart and closed it out on his padd.

 

He was halfway back to Jim when he was ambushed by the security officer. He found himself peppered with questions all designed to ferret out the truth behind Mitchell’s alleged harassment. Leonard’s jaw clenched at the use of the word “alleged”, and wasn’t shy about telling the officer what he thought of the term. Then came the question that Leonard had been expecting.

 

“Cadet Kirk says that the two of you are involved.”

 

“He’s my mate,” Leonard corrected pointedly. “Or will be in the near future.”

 

“Congratulations,” the officer offered with all appearance of sincerity.

 

Leonard raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Thank you,” he replied

 

“I’m sure you’re anxious to get out of here.  I won’t take up any more of your time, doctor.”

 

Leonard glanced at the chronometer on the wall, finding it just shy of 2300. Leonard had never been so happy to see the end of a shift in his life. Leonard nodded. “I appreciate that, officer.”

 

After collecting Leonard’s comm number, the officer took his leave. Leonard wasted no time heading to Jim’s exam room. He entered to the omega’s entreating expression, fixed on him from where the man still lay on the biobed.

 

“Can I get this goddamn thing off me now?”

 

Leonard shook his head at Jim’s impatience, going over to unstrap the regen unit.  “I’m surprised you kept it on this long,” he relied honestly. He fixed Jim with a considering gaze. “How’s the shoulder,” he asked as he palpated the joint.

 

Jim didn’t bat an eyelash. “Good as new,” he confirmed.

 

“And the head?” He checked Jim’s pupillary responses again just to be sure.

 

“Better,” Jim replied. At least the omega waited till Leonard was done to roll his eyes. “I’m fine, Bones. Can we get out of here?”

 

“Keep your britches on,” Leonard groused. “I just have to finish up some notes.”

 

“Says the guy who’s always taking my britches off,” Jim pointed out, his expression amused.

 

“Yeah, you’re definitely better. Your terrible sense of humor is back.”

 

Jim gave Leonard a mock-wounded expression before swinging himself into a sitting position and giving his shoulder and experimental roll. Apparently satisfied, he reached for his shirt and began pulling it on.

 

“Why don’t you go out to the waiting room? I’ll be finished in a few.”

 

Jim slid down off the biobed, grabbing his uniform jacket from a nearby chair. “I’ll be out front. I need some air.”

 

“Jim-“ Leonard started to protest.

 

“Bones,” Jim interjected firmly. “I’m fine. I promise I’ll stay out of trouble.”

 

Leonard tried to shove away the mental picture of Mitchell lying in wait for Jim outside Medical. He regarded Jim with a sour expression.

 

“Put the frowny face away, Bones,” Jim ordered. “I’ll be right outside the front door.” He shook his head. “You know we really have to work on the overprotective shtick.”

 

Leonard’s voice came out louder than he intended, his expression becoming downright severe. “Well excuse me for my concern after you’ve already been fucking assaulted once today!”

 

Jim recoiled slightly at the change in tone before his expression softened into one of understanding. Leonard managed to hold onto his anger for a few moments, but when Jim’s arms came around him and his face nestled into Leonard’s neck, the alpha melted. His grip on Jim was fierce, his tone impassioned. “If anything happened to you, I don’t know what I would do,” he said, his voice breaking ever so slightly. “A year ago I didn’t even know you. Now I don’t think I could ever do without you.”

 

Jim kissed an apology into the skin of Leonard’s neck. “I’m sorry, Bones. I didn’t think. But you know I can take care of myself. You can’t wrap me in cotton wool.”

 

Leonard sighed, knowing Jim was right, but hating it all the same. They stood like that for long seconds before Leonard pulled back, his expression resigned. “Just give me a few to finish up. I’ll meet you out front.”

 

Jim nodded, taking one last moment to run his hands across Leonard’s shoulders and chest, straightening out his uniform. Then he followed Leonard out of the exam room, turning to head for the front of the clinic as Leonard headed for the work stations, where the chaos of shift change was in progress. He plodded though the last of his notes, making sure to be especially thorough on both Jim’s and Mitchell’s, in the event they were used in disciplinary action. He then gave a quick report to the incoming physician before making a beeline to the front entrance.

 

He found Jim to be blessedly alone as he sat on one of the benches that littered the front of the clinic. His legs were stretched out before him as he leaned back and stared up at the sky. Leonard took a moment to admire the long line of him, the easy grace, before he made himself known. “You ready, or are you going to stargaze all night long?”

 

Jim turned his head, a small smile quirking his lips. “More than ready. You know how much I love Medical.”

 

“You may have mentioned it once or twice,” Leonard drawled.

 

“Your place?” Jim asked as he rose.

 

“My place,” Leonard replied, inordinately grateful that that he wasn’t going to have to argue again. He wanted Jim close, needed it like air right now, and Jim seemed to finally understand that. They fell into step beside each other, walking in companionable silence, each following their own thoughts.

 

Despite the lateness of the hour, there were still some students milling around in the corridors of the medical dorms, studying in the common areas and conversing in the hallways. The pair bypassed them all in favor of the quiet of Leonard’s room. As soon as the door shut, Jim let out a heavy sigh and slumped against it.

 

Leonard looked at the omega with an amused expression. “Just a little further, Jim. C’mon, don’t pass out on me now.”

 

Jim was clearly trying for a look of annoyance, but it was ruined by a truly massive yawn.

 

It was terrifyingly, beautifully domestic, being together like this. The two of them navigated around each other so seamlessly in the small spaces that Leonard marveled at the ease of it. Neither of them spoke, the words just seeming unnecessary. It wasn’t until they were warmly ensconced in Leonard’s bed that Jim’s voice finally punctuated the darkness. Leonard could feel the breath wafting against his skin from where Jim’s head was pillowed on his shoulder.

 

“Thank you,” was all Jim said.

 

Leonard made a questioning noise. “For what?”

 

“For putting up with all this shit. All this drama. Part of me wonders why you do.”

 

Mitchell’s words from earlier that night returned to Leonard with force. Why go through so much trouble for some hick omega with an inferiority complex from Asshole, Iowa? Leonard tightened his arms around Jim, feeling sorrow for the fact that Jim had clearly taken statements like this, probably uttered repeatedly during his years together with Mitchell, and internalized them to such a degree that he doubted his own self-worth.

 

Leonard let out a heavy sigh. “You talk like it’s all bad. Like you don’t bring anything good to my life. I Wish I could make you understand how good these past few months have been for me. And today, when you told me you’d mate with me. God, words can’t describe how that made me feel.”

 

Jim pulled away enough so that Leonard could see his eyes, suspiciously bright in the dim light. Jim’s voice cracked as he breathed, “I don’t deserve you.”

 

“No. You deserve more.” Leonard caressed Jim’s lower lip with his thumb before pressing soft kisses into his skin. One to his jaw, one high on his cheekbone, a feather-light one to the tip of his nose that made Jim huff a watery laugh. Finally, a kiss to his lips that Jim responded to in kind.

 

They made slow, sleepy love, punctuated by endearments and promises, and fell asleep holding each other close.

 

 

[CHAPTER 38]

 

It took two days before Pike got wind of what had happened.

 

Actually, that most likely wasn’t true. Pike probably knew pretty much right away.  He kept a notoriously watchful eye on the cadets in his charge, of which Jim was one.  It just took Pike the extra day to decide to pull Jim onto the carpet.

 

Jim didn’t hold any illusions that he would be seen as an innocent party in all this, even though he was clearly not the instigator. An entire hallway full of people had seen him drop Gary, had seen him kick the other man while he was down. The scary thing was, he probably would have kept kicking him had security not shown up and hauled them away to Medical.  As cathartic as it had been to wale on the other man, he didn’t like the fact that he had lost control like that.  He doubted Pike would be too impressed either.

 

Jim straightened the collar of his uniform as he stood outside Captain Pike’s office, taking a deep breath and steeling himself for whatever was about to transpire. He hadn’t told Bones about this. The way Jim looked at it, he could walk away from this with anything from a fistful of demerits to a straight-up suspension. Best not to get the alpha all worked up until Jim knew what he was dealing with.

 

He rang the door chime and waited. It only took half a beat for the door to slide open. Jim squared his shoulders and entered, stopping to stand at attention in the center of the room.

 

Captain Pike sat behind his desk with a padd in his hand, idly tapping at the screen. After a few moments of this activity, he spoke. “Do you know what I have here, Cadet Kirk?” he asked, his voice firm, authoritative.

 

“I can hazard a guess, Captain,” Jim replied, staring straight ahead, his posture ramrod straight.

 

Jim heard a sigh come out of the older man. “At ease, Jim, this isn’t an inquisition.”

 

Jim dropped into parade rest, only now allowing himself to look Pike in the face.

 

“What I have here,” Pike continued, “Is a very confusing incident report from campus security dated, oh, say, the day before yesterday. You wouldn’t happen to be able to shed some light on the events, would you?”

 

Jim didn’t really want to delve into the subject yet again. It was bad enough that there was a report floating around that described some of the most shameful details of Jim’s life. “I think the report pretty much says it all, Sir,” he said simply.

 

Pike tossed the padd aside and rested his elbows on the surface of his desk. Just above his folded hands, his eyes considered Jim sharply. “I’m more interested in what was omitted from the report.”

 

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

 

Pike’s gaze lost none of its intensity. “What I want to know is why one of my cadets didn’t feel obligated to report incidents of repeated harassment to myself or another officer. The report is singularly silent on that count.”

 

Jim said nothing. What was there to say, really? Jim had spent his life cultivating his ability to take care of himself. He was just now letting Bones in behind all the walls he had painstakingly built over the years. But coming to Pike with a problem like Gary? Or some random stranger? No, thank you.

 

His reluctance must have shown on his face, because Pike heaved a sigh. The captain rose from behind his desk, gesturing at Jim to take a seat in one of the office’s two chairs. Pike lowered himself into the other before fixing Jim with a penetrating expression.

 

“Jim, self-reliance is fine up to a point. We try to cultivate it in all our future officers. But there’s also a point at which it becomes a liability. Being part of a crew sometimes necessitates trusting other people to have your back. Not to mention that you have the responsibility to report the kind of behavior you were subject to up the proper channels. If only to ensure that Cadet Mitchell wasn’t subjecting others to that kind of treatment.”

 

Jim stiffened in his chair, his eyes moving immediately to Captain Pike’s own. That had never occurred to him. He knew better than anyone the kind of things Gary was capable of. “Was he?” Jim couldn’t help but ask, desperately hoping that the answer was no.

 

Pike shook his head. “I’m not at liberty to say,” he replied.

 

Of course not.

 

“What I can say is that Mitchell may be facing a disciplinary hearing in the near future. One at which you may be asked to testify.”

 

Jim’s eyes widened. “Captain, what Gary did to me was only-“

 

“Was only a case of harassment and stalking that points to a pattern of behavior. A pattern of behavior that is unfit for any member of this organization,” Pike said sternly. “Now I can’t be sure you’ll be called upon. And I can’t order you to testify. But I would think long and hard about where your responsibility lies. If you want to captain a ship one day, and that sometimes means risking parts of yourself for the protection of those you serve with. And not always in the ways you would expect. It means looking at the picture larger than yourself.”

 

While Jim knew that was true, it didn’t exactly make it any easier to hear. “I’ll think about it, Sir,” he told the captain.

 

Pike studied him for a moment before nodding. Jim found himself hoping that was the end of it, that he would be free to go. He was dismayed when Pike leaned back in his chair and continued to regard him with the same serious expression.

 

“One more thing,” Pike continued. “According to the report, you and Dr. Leonard McCoy are, shall we say, involved.”

 

“Yes,” Jim asked warily, wondering where this was going.

 

“You’re going to be mated, is that correct?”

 

Jim felt a rising tide of irritation. While Captain Pike might be able to dictate to him on matters related to his status as a cadet, it was really none of his business what his relationship with Bones was.

 

His ire must have shown on his face, because Pike lifted his hands in a gesture of placation. “Don’t get your back up, Jim. I’m just trying to look out for you. I know you’re goal is deep space. A command of your own. And although Dr. McCoy is under the purview of Medical, and not one of my cadets, I happen to know his interest is mainly in a ground posting.  I just want to make sure you’ve thought through the effect this will have on your future in the Fleet. Even if you both ship out, it’s a fact that joint postings are harder to come by. It will seriously limit your options for advancement.”

 

Jim’s mouth was set in a tight line. It wasn’t that he hadn’t had these thoughts himself. But having them spelled out for him and shoved in his face by someone like Pike, however well-meaning, was unaccountably annoying. “With all due respect, Captain, my personal affairs are my own,” Jim said in a carefully measured tone.

 

Pike inclined his head. “They are,” he agreed. “I’d just like to know that you’ve thought through the effect this decision will have on your career.”

 

“I have,” Jim assured. “And trust me when I say that to me, it’s worth it.”

 

Pike studied Jim for long seconds, as if searching his face for something. Then the corners of his mouth quirked up in a half-smile. “I guess congratulations are in order, then.”

 

Jim’s surprise must have shown on his face, because Pike’s smile widened and he let out a chuckle.

 

“Don’t misunderstand me. I’m happy for you. I’m just trying to reconcile the Jim Kirk I have in front of me with the one I scraped off a barroom floor back in Iowa. You’ve changed.”

 

Jim thought about all that had transpired since he boarded that shuttle back in Riverside. He thought about how he had been, angry and shamed and still trying to hide who he was from the world. He thought about the man who would soon be his mate. Mostly he thought about how he felt when he was with Bones, at peace with himself in a way he hadn’t ever experienced in his life.

 

“Yeah,” he answered Pike in all honesty, an answering smile flitting across his face. “Yeah, I have.”

 

 

[CHAPTER 39]

 

When Jim’s heat didn’t come early, Leonard took it as a sign that Jim’s cycles, twisted as they had been by years of suppressants, were finally reaching some level of normalcy.

 

When it didn’t come on time, Leonard felt a twinge of concern.

 

When the wait for Jim’s heat passed from “slightly late” territory into “pretty severely late” territory, Leonard felt a sense of foreboding take up residence in his guts.

 

There were several reasons that Jim’s heat might be delayed, he told himself as he made his way to Jim’s dorm, though his mind kept coming back to one reason in particular.

 

“I’m not pregnant,” Jim informed him breezily from where he sat on his bed, padds strewn about from his apparently interrupted studying.

 

God, Leonard hoped he was right. “And you know this because?”

 

“I took a test.”

 

“You took a test,” Leonard repeated dumbly, before his forehead creased into a frown. “You thought you might be pregnant, and you didn’t say anything?”

 

“I’m saying something now, aren’t I?” Jim returned.

 

“After I hunted you down and beat on your door,” Leonard pointed out, his tone sharp. There was an awkward pause before the doctor managed to force the all-important question past his lips. “So the test was negative?”

 

“Two hundred ninety-seven percent negative,” Jim said matter-of-factly.

 

Leonard raised an eyebrow. “How the hell do you get two hundred ninety-seven percent?”

 

Jim shrugged, as if they were discussing nothing more important than the weather. “I took three of them.”

 

A totally inappropriate laugh escaped Leonard, and with it went some of the tension he had been carrying. He refused to completely relax, however, until he had the confirmation beyond a shadow of a doubt. He steeled himself for the upcoming argument.

 

“I want you to come to Medical, let me do a blood test.”

 

Predictably, Jim didn’t think much of that suggestion. “What part of two hundred ninety-seven percent don’t you understand?”

 

“Jim, those over-the-counter tests aren’t completely accurate,” Leonard explained, trying to reason with the other man. “And contraceptive implants aren’t fail-proof either. There’s a reason why your heat is so late.”

 

Jim’s lips compressed into a thin line. “No.” He picked up a padd and made a show of examining its contents.

 

“Dammit, Jim. Don’t you want to be sure?”

 

“I am sure. Two hundred ninety-seven percent sure,” he replied without meeting Leonard’s eyes.

 

Leonard switched tactics, crouching down next to the bed, angling his gaze so that Jim had little choice but to meet it. He took the padd from Jim’s strangely unresisting hands. It was then that he noticed that they were trembling.

 

“Jim, when did you take those tests?” he asked, his tone careful.

 

Jim’s voice was strained when he answered. “About an hour ago.”

 

“Jim-“

 

“I was fucking terrified Bones." Jim’s voice cracked under the strain. "I think those were the worst three minutes of my life. What the fuck would I do if they were positive?”

 

Leonard cursed softly and moved to sit on the bed, pushing the stray padds out of the way and wrapping his arms around Jim’s unresisting form. His own mind was a maelstrom. But nothing would be served if they both started freaking out.

 

“That’s why I want you to come to Medical.  That way we can know for sure. I’m sure it will be negative,” he soothed.

 

Jim’s voice was small. “And if it’s not?”

 

Leonard sighed heavily. “Then we go from there. But we do it together.”

 

Jim was silent for long moments. “Will you run the test yourself?” he finally asked.

 

Leonard rested his forehead against Jim’s, gratified when the omega’s gaze didn’t skirt away from his own. “Yeah. Yeah, I will.”

 

Jim swallowed, running his tongue over his lips. A hoarse “Okay,” was his answer.

 

It wasn’t until he was sitting at one of the clinic’s diagnostic terminals, waiting for Jim’s blood sample to be processed that Leonard understood how the omega must have felt during those endless three minutes. Even the thirty-odd seconds the computer took to perform the pregnancy test felt like an eternity. Leonard’s body felt numb, but his mind was still racing. Christ, what if it was positive? The implications of such a result would be nothing short of traumatic for both of them. Jim was completely silent behind him from where he sat on the biobed, waiting.

 

The diagnostic computer let out a single, short chime as a laundry list of lab values appeared on the screen. Leonard’s eyes shot immediately to the only one that mattered right now. He felt the bottom drop out of his stomach.

 

“Negative,” Leonard breathed.

 

He could hear the breath leave Jim’s own lungs in a whoosh, followed by a slightly hysterical laugh.

 

“Yeah,” Leonard agreed with feeling, turning his chair around to face the other man.

 

“It’s negative?”

 

“Negative,” he confirmed.

 

“Negative,” Jim said to himself, slouching his shoulders like all the bones had been pulled out of him, relief written all over his face, which was still pale from the strain of the last half-minute.

 

“You were right,” Leonard told Jim. “That was probably the longest thirty seconds of my life.”

 

“At least you weren’t huddled on the bathroom floor staring at a piece of plastic you just pissed on,” Jim pointed out, his lips turning up at the corners.

 

The doctor ran a hand through his hair. “Christ, I need a drink.”

 

“The good stuff?” the omega asked hopefully. Leonard noted that some of the color was starting to return to Jim’s face.

 

Leonard didn’t even have to think about it. “This day definitely warrants breaking into the good booze,” he answered.

 

Jim gave a ghost of his usual grin. “Well hooray for not being knocked up.”

 

***

 

That evening found them sprawled out on Leonard’s floor, a bottle of bourbon between them, indulging in sparse, meandering conversation, from bitching about their classes to interplays of the more personal variety. Jim seemed to have largely recovered from his earlier distress, although he seemed more pensive than usual, more distracted. His smiles seemed a little more forced. The pauses in their conversation were longer, weighted down by an overabundance of emotions, today’s crisis being the proverbial elephant in the room. Leonard was still feeling shell-shocked himself. As relieved as he was the Jim wasn’t pregnant, it brought up questions that Leonard probably should have asked before now.

 

Leonard had always picture himself having children at some point in his life. He had no idea how Jim felt about the issue, though. The topic had been a bone of contention in his marriage with Jocelyn. Leonard’s ex-wife had gone from neutral about the topic earlier in their marriage to adamantly against the idea. That change in attitude had been the source of tension through much of their relationship.

 

If Jim felt the same, would the same kind of conflict arise in their own relationship? He understood that a pregnancy now would be disastrous to Jim’s career. Was that the only reason Jim had been so beside himself? Or was it the very idea of children that caused him such distress?

 

Leonard was drawn out of his thoughts by Jim reaching for his glass. After refilling it, the younger man plunked it down in front of Leonard.

 

“Okay. Game time,” Jim uttered suddenly.

 

Leonard gave Jim a puzzled frown. “Aren’t we a bit old for drinking games?”

 

“Trust me, this is a special one,” Jim assured.

 

Leonard rolled his eyes. “Seriously, Jim? What’s next, truth or dare?”

 

“No dare, just truth. You answer a question, you take a sip. You don’t answer the question, you empty the glass,” the younger man explained.

 

“I can see this ending badly.”

 

“Only if you don’t pony up the goods,” Jim grinned, although the expression didn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

“Jim,” Leonard started in all seriousness, “If you want to know something, all you have to do is ask.”

 

Jim sighed. “Humor me, alright?”

 

Leonard gave Jim a considering look before shrugging and picking up his glass. Clearly Jim wanted to know something. But if he felt more comfortable couching the questions in the form of an even exchange, Leonard would go along. It wasn’t like he didn’t have a few questions of his own for Jim. “Who goes first?” Leonard asked.

 

Jim raised his glass towards Leonard.

 

Leonard thought to himself for a moment. He filtered through a myriad of potential questions before lighting on one. “Have you really not seen Gary since that night at the clinic?”

 

Leonard expected Jim to get defensive, but he merely took a sip of his bourbon. “Nope. I don’t know what you laid on him, but it worked. At least for now.”

 

Leonard’s mouth quirked up at the corner. “Maybe he just doesn’t want to be nailed in the nuts again.”

 

Jim gave Leonard an answering smile. “Or that.”

 

Leonard inclined his head towards Jim. “Your turn.”

 

Jim looked hesitant, as if he wasn’t sure how his question was going to be received. Leonard waited patiently, cradling his drink in his hand.

 

“You’ve been front and center for the fallout from my relationship,” Jim finally said. “But I know next to nothing about yours.”

 

Ah. It was true. Leonard had spoken of his divorce only in general terms to Jim. It was a topic which still hurt to think about, maybe always would. Leonard felt his defensive walls coming up. “Why do you want to know?” Leonard asked in return, his brows coming together.

 

Jim studied the surface of his bourbon for a moment before looking Leonard in the eyes. “Maybe I don’t want to make the same mistakes she did,” he said quietly.

 

Leonard sighed, his momentary ire disappearing. Leave it to Jim to worry about something like that. Beneath his cocky exterior, his insecurities ran deep. “Trust me, unless you plan on cheating on me, you won’t,” Leonard assured.

 

Jim’s eyes widened. “Oh,” he said simply. He looked shocked. Cheating on one’s alpha was probably as much of an anathema to Jim as Gary’s treatment of Jim was to Leonard.

 

Leonard took the obligatory sip of his drink. “It didn’t happen in a vacuum,” Leonard explained. “Things hadn’t been good for a while. She was unhappy, I was unhappy. We had so many differences. But instead of trying to deal with them, I just buried myself in work, avoided the issue. And then I found out she was sleeping with someone else … and that was it. I couldn’t avoid it anymore. So I ended it.” Leonard shrugged, as if that were all there was to say.

 

Jim was silent for a long moment before he spoke. “I’m sorry,” he began. “I shouldn’t have-“

 

Leonard waved him off. “It’s alright,” he assured. “I understand why you would want to know.”

 

Jim nodded.

 

“My turn,” Leonard declared. Now it was his turn to feel hesitant. After all that happened today, it was bound to be a touchy subject. But Leonard didn’t know when he’d again get carte blanche to ask whatever he wanted. And tonight seemed to be about full disclosure.

 

“How do you feel about children?”

 

If the question took Jim aback, he didn’t show it. “I assume you don’t mean in the general sense.”

 

Leonard’s mouth twisted up at the corner. “No. I know today was kind of terrifying. And I know this would be the worst possible time for you to get pregnant. But do you want kids? Ever?”

 

Jim looked thoughtful. “Yeah.” Jim had an inscrutable look on his face, as if he were surprised by his own answer. “Eventually, I mean. After I’m done out in the black and ready to settle down planetside.”

 

Leonard felt a rush of relief at the answer.

 

“It’s funny,” Jim continued. “I used to resent being able to have kids. Like that ability was to blame for me being an omega. I swore I would never have them”

 

“Is that why-“ Leonard faltered over the wording.

 

Jim quirked a sardonic smile. “Why I totally lost my shit today?”

 

“Pretty much.”

 

Jim shook his head. “Not really. You were right. Now would be the worst time for me to get pregnant. Career concerns aside, there’s no way I’m ready for that.” Jim examined his drink for a moment before meeting Leonard’s gaze again. “I had a scare like that before. Once. When I was with Gary.”

 

Leonard’s spine stiffened at the mention of Mitchell.

 

“If you thought I was messed up today, you should have seen me back then. It was towards the end, when things were really starting to go to shit. All I could think is that if I was pregnant that would tie me to Gary forever. That I’d never be free of him. That was when I guess I realized that I didn’t plan on staying with him forever, whether he was my mate or not.” Jim gave a minute shake of the head, as if trying to rid himself of unwanted memories. “What about you?” Jim asked, changing the focus.

 

“Yeah. Always did want them. Jocelyn had a different opinion on the topic, though.”

 

“You’ll make a good dad,” Jim smiled softly.

 

Leonard returned the smile, suddenly wishing Jim were sitting closer, without a bottle of bourbon between them. “We both will.” Leonard’s smile widened as he saw the flush spread on Jim’s cheeks.

 

Jim took a sip of his drink as payment for the last round. They sat in silence for a moment. The pause was so long that Leonard thought they might be done. Until Jim squared his shoulders and looked directly into Leonard’s eyes, his gaze penetrating.

 

“Are you really okay going out into space?” Jim questioned.

 

“Jim-“ Leonard started.

 

“No. Hear me out,” the omega interrupted. “You hate space. You hate everything about it. And that’s where I’m headed, Bones.” Jim took a deep breath. “I left Riverside to make something of myself. I’m gonna have my own ship one day. You say you’ll go with me, but I don’t want you to spend your life somewhere you hate because of me. You’ll resent me eventually.”

 

There was a pause. “Can I talk now?” Leonard asked, his frown so deep there were divots in his brow. He took Jim’s silence as assent. “I knew when I signed up that the chances were good I’d end up out in space. Of course, I had also resigned myself to living the life of a bitter olddivorcé far into the foreseeable future. I would rather be with you out in the black than living on some god-forsaken outpost somewhere, alone and with nothing but my own regrets to keep me warm at night.”

 

Leonard put down his glass and moved to his knees, closing the short distance to where Jim sat, his back propped up on Leonard’s bed. Once he got there Leonard removed the glass from Jim’s loose grip, setting it aside. In one smooth motion he straddled the omega’s lap, his hands coming to rest on the other man’s waist.

 

Jim’s gaze was still serious, almost intense, as it bored into Leonard’s own, like he was trying to glean the truth behind Leonard’s words.

 

“This is what I want to come home to, every night, whether we’re planetside or out on a fucking starship on the edge of space,” Leonard said earnestly. “I want you like this, always, just for me. I was lucky enough to find you. I’ll be damned if I’ll let you go now.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss, feather light, into Jim’s lips. “I want to mate with you. I want your every heat for myself.” Another kiss. “I want to sail the stars with you.” Another. “Then, when that’s over, I want to sire children on you.” And another. “I want us to grow into two old men watching our grandchildren run circles around us.”

 

Finally, Jim’s lips softened against Leonard’s own, his eyes fluttered shut, and his palms came to rest on Leonard’s chest. Leonard counted the small, needy sound that Jim made as a victory and deepened his kisses.

 

They kissed for long moments, unhurriedly, before Jim pulled back, pressing his forehead against Leonard’s own. His eyes looked suspiciously damp as he whispered, “I want that, too. All of it.”

 

 

[Chapter 40]

 

Jim was sitting in his last class of the day when he began to feel the familiar itch under his skin, the sense of nonspecific need that heralded the beginning of his heat.

 

He didn’t even bother trying to make it through the rest of his class. He rose hurriedly, drawing the perturbed glare of the instructor, as well of the ire of everyone in his row, as he jostled and bumped knees in his bid to exit the lecture hall. He couldn’t care less. He had to get to Bones, preferably before he started putting out pheromones and attracted any unwanted attention.

 

He burst out into the open air, not quite running, but walking with a speed that was propelled by weeks of frustrated waiting. God, he wanted this heat. Had been starved for it. Wanted it with all the fervor with which he had previously dreaded the experience. He pulled out his comm and hastily texted Bones. It’s here, he typed succinctly.  He pictured Bones getting the message, hoping that he wasn’t in the middle of a lab or something he couldn’t get away from quickly. He wondered what expressions were playing across the alpha’s face. Would he keep a perfect poker face, like he was so good at doing, or would other people around him be able to tell? Was his heart accelerating in anticipation as much as Jim’s was?

 

The trip across campus seemed to take forever. Jim felt a rush of relief as the medical dorms came into view. He was halfway up the stairs to Bones’ room when he felt his comm vibrate in his pocket. He stopped to check it.

 

I’m coming, was the message.

 

Jim grinned. Not yet. But you will be, he typed.

 

The answer was immediate. Infant.  Jim could practically see Bones rolling his eyes. Jim was about to return the device to his pocked when it vibrated again.

 

My room. Clothes off. On your knees. Wait for me.

 

Jim felt a jolt of excitement that went straight to his dick, and he couldn’t help the desperate sound that escaped his lips. His first orders of the night.

 

He coded himself into Bones’ room, barely waiting for the door to close before he began stripping out of his jacket. The buzzing under Jim’s skin continued to intensify. The heat was coming on fast, as if making up for the extra week of waiting. He divested himself of the rest of his uniform in short order, tossing the articles over the back of the desk chair.

 

Jim stood in the center of the small room, his mind awash with a mixture of lust and anticipation, with a hint of trepidation. During the course of the night, Jim would hand himself over to Bones, allow Bones to mark him, bind himself to the other man for the rest of his life. If someone had told Jim a year ago that he would be here right now, preparing to mate for the second time in his life, the omega probably would have laughed in the person’s face and then punched him for good measure. But yet here he was, preparing to get on his knees, secure in the knowledge that this time he had chosen an alpha who wouldn’t abuse his trust. Bones would quiet the buzzing under his skin, would bring him pleasure, take pleasure from him and make him submit.

 

Jim let out a deep, shuddering breath before dropping slowly to his knees.

 

The simple act of kneeling there, ready and laid bare, seemed to accelerate the rising of his heat. Jim practically vibrated with need. He had to hold his hands in fists at his sides to keep them from gravitating towards his half-hard cock. Bones told him to wait, and he intended to prove himself a good omega, one that was worthy of his alpha’s attentions.

 

It felt like forever before he heard the heavy tread outside the door and the sound of an entry code being punched in.

 

Bones stepped through the door, his eyes widening as he took in the sight in front of him. He stood there looking momentarily dumbstruck, but he recovered quickly. The doctor’s expression relaxed into something lustful and confident, and Jim couldn’t help preening a bit under Bones’ appreciative gaze. Jim’s own expression settled into a smirk.

 

“Like what you see?” he asked, as if the way Bones’ eyes were travelling up and down his body wasn’t answer enough.

 

“Hmmm,” Bones intoned noncommittally as he turned briefly to tab the door lock. Then, to Jim’s surprise and frustration, Bones busied himself with slowly toeing off his boots and taking off his uniform jacket, folding it neatly and laying it over Jim’s own clothes on the chair. The omega was about to say something, when Bones turned back to Jim. His eyes were filled with something predatory. A shiver ran up Jim’s spine that had nothing to do with the ambient temperature or his unclothed state.

 

Bones stepped towards Jim, but still held himself a few steps off. Hovering just outside of Jim’s range. The fire in the omega’s blood protested the separation. Jim swayed forward briefly, instinctively, before he regained his tenuous control and pulled himself back.

 

Bones chuckled. Rather than being a mocking sound, it was warm and intimate. “While you were waiting, did you touch yourself?” Bones asked, his voice already low and aroused.

 

“No,” Jim answered truthfully and with a tinge of pride.

 

“Why not?”

 

Jim looked his alpha in the eyes, read the approval there. “Because you told me to wait for you.”

 

Bones closed the few feet left between them, coming to stand between Jim’s knees, lifting his hand to card through Jim’s hair. His touch was gentle, almost reverent. “Good,” he replied softly. “You’re so good for me.”

 

The praise sat warmly inside Jim as he leaned forward, looping his arms loosely around Bones’ leg and pressing into the other man’s side, just wanting to be close to him, to feel the solidity and the reality of him, to breathe in the alpha’s scent. To let it feed the fire of his heat. Bones’ uniform between them was an impediment, and Jim felt a sudden rush of frustration, wanting the intimacy of skin on skin.

 

“Want to feel you,” Jim blurted out, his voice carrying a desperate edge. “Want to touch you. Please.”

 

The hand in Jim’s hair traveled to the back of his neck, pressing, tilting the omega’s gaze up. Bones’ expression held something soft and aching. “You don’t have to beg, Jim,” Bones said, his voice almost a whisper. “I’ll give you what you want.”

 

Most alphas would have had Jim flat on his back, legs spread, or even been finished with him, but Bones simply stood there, fingers kneading the back of Jim’s neck, waiting for some kind of sign of what Jim wanted from him.

 

Someday Jim would write it down in a list, get it itemized; all the things he wanted this man to do to him. But for now he eyed the cloth-covered bulge in Bones’ uniform pants. Jim skimmed his hands up the alpha’s legs, settling on his belt, a question in his eyes. He took Bones’ sharply indrawn breath as approval, and he began unzipping the other man’s uniform pants, letting them fall to the floor. Part of him just wanted Bones to fuck him, to go hard and fast and feel the alpha lose it inside of him, but the larger part of Jim wanted to please Bones. His heat continued to rise, and before he lost himself to the mating drive completely, this was something he could do for Bones.

 

Jim drew Bones’ cock, half-hard already, out of his boxers, and without hesitation swallowed him down in one smooth motion. He was rewarded with bones’ gasp and the feel of the hand in his hair tightening. The sensation skirted the edge of pleasure and pain and made him moan out his desire around Bones’ cock.

 

“Jesus,” Bones swore hoarsely.

 

Jim’s head bobbed back and forth, alternating between deep swallows and short, teasing sucks, and applying just the slightest edge of teeth to the underside of the alpha’s cock. Jim moved confidently. He was good at this, he knew. He had been told as much over the years by various partners. However, he had never had a partner who he so wanted to please. He looked up, wanting to see how affected Bones was, only to find Bones watching him, his eyes wide and still-clothed chest heaving, his expression strained.

 

Jim could feel the tension from where his palm rested on Bones’ thigh. Could feel Leonard’s tightly controlled thrusts. Even Leonard’s hand in his scalp had loosened. Everything about Bones’ countenance was controlled.

 

And Jim wanted to feel him lose it. Jim had seen glimpses of it in his previous heats. Brief hints of how Bones might be without all that control holding him back. Bones had helped Jim submit, had even made him enjoy it. But when it came to dominance, it seemed like Bones always restrained himself, not trusting Jim to take everything he had to give. Jim’s heat was starting to peak, the need to submit burned, and Jim needed his alpha to take a heavier hand.

 

Jim reached around to grip Bones by the ass, drawing him in so deep Jim could feel himself begin to gag, could feel that momentary panic when Bones hit the back of his throat. Then he felt Bones’ hand tighten in his hair, pulling him off. Bones stared down at him, wide eyed as Jim let out a cough, his eyes watering.

 

“Jim-“ Bones started.

 

“Don’t you dare,” Jim cut him off. “Don’t you hold back on me.” Jim looked up, his eyes boring into Leonard’s own. They were both panting like they’d run a marathon. “Don’t think you don’t have to earn my submission. I’m giving you the rest of my life, so don’t you dare hold back on me.”

 

Jim watched Leonard’s jaw tighten, his eyes flash, and for a moment thought he might have made a crucial miscalculation, even as the flare of aggression caused his arousal to spike even higher. Bones had always tried to be considerate of him, had he just thrown that consideration back in his face?

 

Jim felt a hand grip the back of his neck, another dig into his hair and he felt himself being hauled up. He rose clumsily to his feet. His knees were sore to the point of numbness. All thought of his discomfort went out the window when he saw Bones’ expression, however. Bones looked like he wanted to eat him whole or wreck him or maybe both. It was terrifying and arousing and Jim’s cock twitched between his legs in anticipation.

 

Bones devoured Jim’s lips, the kiss all teeth and tongue and aggression. It was like a switch had been flipped, like the alpha had been barely holding back all this time and now Jim’s words had finally given him free reign.  Bones didn’t relinquish his grip on Jim’s hair, pulling the omega’s head back roughly to expose his neck. Jim let out a helpless sound, expecting to feel the sting of teeth on his neck, the delivery of a claiming mark. But instead Bones leaned in and scented him, breathing deeply and letting out a low rumble of appreciation.

 

“No holding back, huh? Is that how you want it? You want me to make you scream?”

 

Jim whimpered.

 

“Well?” Bones asked, his breath wafting over Jim’s neck. “Tell me.”

 

Jim drew a breath in sharply as he felt the light scrape of teeth over his adam’s apple. “God, yes,” he gasped. It was true. Sometimes he needed Bones’ gentleness, his ability to dominate without being rough. But this wasn’t one of those times. The heat in Jim’s lower belly flared hotter. He needed his alpha to take command, to drive his submission so deep that it would finally quiet the buzzing under his skin.

 

Jim felt Bones’ weight shift as he stepped out of his pants and kicked them aside. The hand finally left Jim’s hair and then suddenly he was moving, being pushed roughly backwards, the breath being knocked out of him when his back slammed against the wall. Hands gripped Jim, digging in with bruising force as Bones ground him into the wall with a forceful roll of his hips. Their cocks slid together, and the delicious pressure made Jim see stars behind his eyelids. He tried to let his head fall back, but Bones had him crushed so tightly against the wall there was no room.

 

Bones took Jim’s lips again, kissing the breath right out of him, taking Jim’s lower lip between his teeth and biting none too gently. Pain and pleasure jumbled together. The buzzing intensified.

 

“Please,” Jim gasped when they came up for air. “Please.”

 

Bones’ gaze darkened, his jaw clenched, and he fucking growled as he moved off of Jim far enough to turn him roughly around. Jim braced himself as best he could, but Bones left him little room as he again ground the omega into the wall. A hand left Jim’s hip and traveled down to his entrance. He was sopping with his body’s own lubricant, so wet he could feel it on his goddamn thighs already.

 

Jim let out a high-pitched whine as Bones pressed two digits inside him, his skilled doctor’s fingers finding Jim's prostate in short order. Pleasure sparked through Jim’s every nerve ending, and he let out a cross between a moan and a shout.

 

Bones chuckled, a low filthy sound, in between nips to the back of Jim’s neck. “So wet for me.” The words vibrated against Jim’s skin. “So ready. You want it, don’t you? Want me to fuck you raw? Come inside you?”

 

Jim could only respond with a breathless whine. The whine turned into a sharp sound of dismay when Bones quickly withdrew his fingers. The pressure against Jim’s back lessened, and his heat-addled mind protested the loss even as it exalted in what was coming next.

 

Jim barely had time to brace himself before he felt the firm pressure of Bones’ cock at his entrance. He arched his back to give the alpha better access. Jim gasped as Bones drove himself home in one thrust. The omega’s blood sang. His alpha was finally inside him. He would satisfy the relentless thirst of Jim’s heat.

 

Bones drew back almost to the point of slipping out of Jim’s body before thrusting forcefully back in. Then he set a punishing pace. Jim felt the breath being knocked out of him with each thrust and the noises coming out of his mouth would be embarrassing under any other circumstances.

 

“God, Jim. You feel so good. You take it so well. So tight,” Bones gasped as he plundered Jim’s body.

 

Another shout was ripped from Jim’s throat as a thrust found his prostate. Bones, ever the fast learner, repeated the action again. Again. Again. Jim felt like he was on fire. Like he might burst into flames or die from pleasure or lose his mind. Jim could feel the rub of Bones’ cotton boxers, his undershirt against Jim’s back. And somehow it made his arousal spiral higher, the knowledge that Bones wanted him so badly that he couldn’t even take the time to undress before fucking Jim into the wall.

 

Bones’ harsh rhythm didn’t falter as he reached up to where Jim’s hands were scrabbling for purchase on the smooth wall, lacing their fingers together. The action made a lump rise in Jim’s throat and suddenly he wished he could see Bones, look him in the eye as the alpha fucked him into oblivion. He settled for the next best thing. He turned his head to the side and Bones was there like he always was. They kissed open mouthed and sloppy as Bones’ rhythm began to stutter.

 

Jim could feel the rising tide of orgasm even as his neglected cock wept between his legs. He had never come untouched before. But as Bones continued to hone in on that perfect spot inside of Jim, the coil wound tighter until Jim was trembling with the need for release.

 

“Please,” Jim gasped against Bones’ lips.

 

Bones’ hips stuttered. Jim could feel the alpha’s body stiffen. Bones thrust once, twice, pressed Jim hard against the wall and came, his shout reverberating in the small space. Jim could feel the alpha’s release, hot and wet, and it triggered something primal inside of the omega. The tight coil of orgasm snapped and he could feel the pleasure exploding, rushing outward. He saw white. His come marked the wall, dripping on the floor, making a huge fucking mess that they would have to clean up later, but nothing registered to Jim right now except the pleasure that was sparking through his every nerve-ending. When the sensations finally began to ebb, Jim’s knees felt like water, and the only thing keeping him from hitting the floor was Bones’ arms around him. They were both trembling, gasping for air. They stayed like that for long moments, trying to each regain their equilibrium.

 

Jim couldn’t help the pang of loss he felt as Bones slipped gently from his body. Jim was a mess; dripping come and sweat, but he couldn’t bring himself to care as Bones manhandled him as gently as possible towards the bed. The exhaustion was starting to creep in, like it always did, and sliding between the cool sheets felt like heaven to his overheated skin. He watched, drifting, as Bones stripped out of his boxers and undershirt and slid in beside him. Jim immediately curled into the other man, taking shelter against him, the buzzing under his skin quieted for now. The kiss Bones bestowed on him was achingly gentle, as if to make up for the frenzy of their coupling.

 

Jim felt himself slipping under, but not before he hear himself speak. “Bones, you didn’t…” The rest of the sentence was subsumed in a yawn. He meant that Bones hadn't claimed him. Hadn't delivered the marks that would show the whole world that Jim was his. Had he changed his mind?

 

“Shhhh, darlin’. Trust me.” Bones’ voice was soft, intimate.

 

“Trust you,” Jim slurred as he slid into sleep. The evening was just beginning. They had plenty of time.

 

***

 

Leonard watched Jim’s body slowly relax, his breathing evening out. He couldn’t help pressing a feather-light kiss against Jim’s slack lips.

 

Jim had surprised him. He was continually doing that. Would probably continue to do that fifty years from now when they were old and grey.

 

Leonard was not an aggressive man by nature. But he was an alpha. And it was true that he had held back with Jim in the past, with good reason. Mitchell had traumatized Jim. And yet Jim had trusted Leonard, and given him free reign.

 

It had been satisfying. To let go. And Jim had taken all of it. Had reveled in it. Had shown the depths of his submission.

 

It had been almost painful, to be that close to Jim, to be inside him, to be pressing him against that wall and fucking into him and not deliver the mark. But he had plans for how this night would go.

 

The deeper the omega’s submission, the stronger the mating bond, was the generally accepted folk wisdom. And thought Leonard was a man of science and biological facts, he would be the first to admit that medical science had only the vaguest understanding of the bond that tied alphas to their chosen omegas. And Leonard wanted their bond to be as strong as humanly possible, wanted to bind Jim to him so tightly that he would never stand for anyone’s attentions but Leonard’s.

 

He would not make the same mistake twice. He would never give Jim cause to doubt his affections, not like he did with Jocelyn. Wouldn’t allow time and distance and the frantic pace of his vocation to drive Jim into the arms of another alpha.

 

They would make this work.

 

Leonard brought a hand to rest on Jim’s hip, his thumb caressing the soft skin there. He brushed his lips against the omega’s forehead, drawing him in even closer. Jim wrinkled his nose and made a disgruntled sound in his sleep. Leonard smiled softly. It was almost frightening, the depth of tenderness, the protectiveness he felt for this man. Leonard was far past believing in any notions of True Love, had always dismissed the idea of soulmates as so much overly romantic bullshit; the idea that there was one omega out there who was meant just for him.

 

But Jim had insinuated his way into Leonard’s affections so quickly, so easily, even from that first meeting. And they had done nothing since but grow into and around each other, until they were so intertwined that the thought that living without Jim caused Leonard physical pain.

 

“Mine,” he hissed quietly against Jim’s skin, the words heard only by himself. He felt leonine, like his namesake. Wanted to growl and posture at all comers to fuck off; that Jim was his and that they had lost their chance.  He felt singularly protective as Jim was curled here against him, the omega vulnerable and laid bare and trusting in his arms.

 

Jim slept on, gathering his strength for the next wave of his heat.  Leonard waited and continued to smooth his hands over the long expanse of pale skin, delivering intermittent soft kisses and marveling at the way the two of them fit together. He drifted that way for long moments, he couldn’t really say how long. The wait seemed interminable.

 

Finally, Jim stirred. His eyelashes fluttered and his eyes opened, revealing a fever-bright blue gaze that immediately sought out Leonard’s own.

 

Leonard couldn’t help himself. His smile widened as the anticipation in him came close to bubbling over. “Need somethin’, darlin’?” he drawled teasingly.

 

Jim’s nostrils flared, an omega scenting his alpha. Leonard could feel Jim hardening where they were pressed so intimately together. Leonard was halfway there himself, his body responding to the spike in Jim’s pheromones.

 

“You know what I need,” Jim murmured into the skin of Leonard’s shoulder.

 

He did. It was the same thing Leonard needed. Leonard pressed a hand against Jim’s lower back, holding him close as he gave a slow roll of his hips. Jim gasped, his blunt nails digging into Leonard’s skin.

 

Leonard grasped Jim by his close-cropped hair, steering him towards Leonard’s lips. The kiss started slow, almost languid, but the needy sounds Jim was making into Leonard’s mouth lit a fire low in the alpha’s belly, and it quickly devolved into a clash of teeth and tongue. Leonard kept his grip on Jim’s hair, maneuvering the pliant omega where he wanted him. When Leonard released Jim’s lips, he pressed his face into Jim’s neck, breathing in and letting the spicy-sweet scent of Jim’s pheromones feed his growing lust. He tongued Jim’s pulse point, feeling the thrumming life just underneath the surface.

 

“Please,” Jim begged. “Do it.”

 

“Shhhh,” Leonard soothed. “Don’t worry. Gonna make you mine.”

 

Jim moaned. “Yes.”

 

Leonard snaked his hand down between them, wrapping it around Jim’s erection and giving a slow stroke. Jim whimpered, his hips jerking into Leonard’s fist.

 

“Gonna mark you up,” Leonard teased. “Show the world who you belong to. My omega.”

 

“Yours,” Jim gasped, moving his hips in time with Leonard’s hand. “I’m yours. Even without the mark, I’m yours.”

 

So good. So good for him. How the fuck did he ever get so lucky? He found Jim’s lips again, kissing him like it was the only thing he planned on doing ever again. He swallowed Jim’s quiet moans, continued his stroking of Jim’s cock. His fist was loose, his touch light, almost a tease. But he was tired of teasing. He released Jim’s cock abruptly, ignoring the omega’s sound of loss.

 

“Turn.” He ordered.

 

Jim eagerly obeyed, turning onto his side, away from Leonard, drawing one leg up to give Leonard access.

 

They had never tried this position before, but Leonard found he quite liked it. And if the breathless sounds coming from Jim were any indication, Jim liked it as well. Jim shuddered with each roll of Leonard’s hips, each slow slide into Jim’s body. Leonard kept a tight grip on Jim’s hips, drawing him back as he thrust forward, looking for the angle that would make the omega shout.

 

Though it was more of sharp cry than a shout when Leonard grazed Jim’s prostate, the sound was sweet all the same. The omega was starting to come apart, desperately fisting his erection, driving his hips back harder onto Leonard’s cock. Spurred on by Jim’s lust, Leonard worked his hips faster, harder, replicating that perfect angle over and over again until Jim was gasping and moaning with every thrust. The slapping sounds of skin on skin mingled with their passionate utterances filled the small room.

 

Leonard reached around, batting Jim’s hand away from his cock and replacing it with his own. He jerked fast and rough, the slick of precome making the slide easy. Jim was trapped between Leonard’s stroking fist and his driving cock and the omega was gasping and moaning beside him.

 

“Fuck fuck fuck, Bones,” Jim ground out.

 

Again, the urge to sink his teeth into the back of Jim’s neck was near overwhelming. His omega was writhing, ready and willing, waiting for his mark. It took every ounce of willpower Leonard had to hold himself back.

 

He could feel his orgasm building, the tension winding higher and tighter. Leonard’s hips were losing their rhythm as he pounded into Jim. Jim came first, reaching back and gripping Leonard’s hip, trying to draw him in deep as he spurted hot and wet over Leonard’s hand. A few more thrusts were all it took. Leonard felt compressed and pulled apart as he pressed himself into Jim and came.

 

They both shuddered through the aftershocks together, clutching tightly, before the last of the sensation began to ebb and they both went boneless, satiated for now. Leonard pressed his lips to the back of Jim’s neck, then trailed feather-light kissed across his shoulder.

 

“You sure know how to keep a guy waiting,” Jim grumbled, still breathless.

 

Leonard chuckled into Jim’s shoulder, “Have some patience.” He gave the slightest of nips to the pale flesh, drawing a whimper out of Jim.

 

“Fucking tease,” Jim accused, but any bite in the words was negated by the fact that Jim was slowly slipping under.

 

“Sleep, darlin’.”  Leonard pressed the words into Jim’s skin. “I’ve got plans for you.”

 

***

 

Jim awoke to the scent of sex and Bones, and the sensation of fingers tracing patterns onto his skin.

 

He opened his eyes to see Bones propped up on one elbow, looking down at him in a way that was tender and hungry at the same time. Bones ran his hand lightly across Jim’s body, from neck to hip. Jim squirmed under the touch, wishing Bones’ hand had traveled just a touch lower.

 

Bones chuckled, the sound low and warm, making the anticipation in Jim’s belly magnify. “Want something?” Bones asked with faux innocence.

 

Jim managed a petulant expression, which was wiped off his face when Leonard scratched his nails through the wiry hair at the base of Jim’s dick. Jim let out a whining sound at the tease, his hips arching, cock already beginning to fill.

 

Instead of travelling lower, Bones’ hand travelled leisurely upwards. Then he placed a warm palm at the back of Jim’s neck, steering him into a kiss that was barely more than a graze. Jim chased after Bones’ mouth as he pulled back, drawing another chuckle from the alpha.

 

“None of that,” Bones admonished gently. “We’re going at my pace now. And I say slow and easy,” he placed another kiss against Jim’s lips. This time the omega stayed still. “You’re gonna be desperate for it by the time I’m done.”

 

“I’m desperate now,” Jim whined.

 

“Not yet.” Another kiss. And another. Bones’ voice was intimate, a low rumble. “But you will be.”

 

Jim squirmed again, hands fisting in the bed linens.

 

“I’m gonna touch you everywhere. With my hands, my mouth. Gonna fuck you till you beg and then I’m gonna mark you.”

 

“Yes,” Jim breathed.

 

“And you’re not gonna come until I say.”

 

Jim felt a jolt of uncertainty. God, he wanted to come right now from Bones’ voice alone, how would he manage when Bones was inside him. His trepidation must have shown on his face.

 

Bones ran a soothing hand down Jim’s body. “Don’t worry, darlin’, I’ll help you.”

 

It was terrifying, to give yourself up completely to the hands of another. But Bones had earned Jim’s trust the hard way. Had proven himself despite all the shit that Jim had thrown at him in the beginning. Had been steadfast long past the point where everything might have otherwise fallen apart. Bones, all along, had taken equal care of Jim’s heart and his body. Jim let himself be reassured, breathing out slowly, making himself relax, untangling his hands from the bedsheets. Jim nodded.

 

Bones’ touch was reverent as it meandered across Jim’s flesh. His skilled fingers started at Jim’s lips, a soft graze of his thumb against the plush softness. Jim couldn’t help nipping playfully at the pad of the doctor’s finger.

 

Bones looked at Jim in mock disapproval, but his eyes were dancing. The touch traveled downward, lingering over the hollow beneath Jim’s jaw, where his pulse lay beating steadily. Down further to Jim’s collarbone. When lips began to follow the path of the fingers, Jim couldn’t help it. He arched when Bones’ mouth found one sensitive nipple, biting gently before soothing the bud with the flat of his tongue. Jim whined high in his throat, hands twisting into the bed linens again.

 

Jim held his breath as Bones traveled down, over abdominal muscles that were flexed and tense. Jim’s cock was hard and leaking against his stomach, but bones disregarded it completely.

 

“Fuck,” Jim swore, heartfelt.

 

Bones chuckled into the jut of Jim’s hip, the vibrations sending shocks across Jim’s oversensitive skin. Still, he continued his downward course.

 

Fingers and lips traced a pattern on Jim’s inner thigh and lower. The brush of Bones’ tongue on the inside of Jim’s knee, a kiss on his tensed calf, a feather-light touch on his instep. Jim was reeling. The sensations were overwhelming and Bones wasn’t even inside him yet.

 

Bones came to rest between Jim’s legs, which was exactly where Jim wanted him. But instead of taking things further, Bones rested back on his haunches and just looked, his expression hungry.

 

Jim reached up with a hand that was trembling - Jesus, he was actually shaking - with frustrated need. God, he felt so empty.

 

“Please,” Jim begged hoarsely. “Need it. Need you.”

 

Bones caught Jim’s outstretched hand, leaning in and placing a kiss against Jim’s palm. “Shhhhh,” Bones soothed. “Gonna give you everything you need.”

 

Jim sighed in relief as he felt a hand trail up his thigh, moving closer and closer to the part of him that so wanted the attention. A ghosting touch traced his balls, then slid behind them to press lightly into Jim’s perineum. Jim could feel how wet he was, his body already open and waiting, his hole a slick mess of come and his body’s own lubricant. He sighed in relief as skilled surgeon’s fingers pressed slowly into him, only one at first, because Bones seemed to be damned and determined to take this excruciatingly slow. But even that little bit felt heavenly after waiting for so long.

 

“God, Jim. You’re so wet,” Bones murmured. “Opening up so good for me.” He added another finger and twisted, scissoring them in and out of Jim’s body. “Like you were made for me.” Bones leaned down, speaking the words into the skin of Jim’s hip, his voice coming out like a purr. “Just for me.” Bones’ fingers found Jim’s prostate, stroking over it slow, easy.

 

“Yes!” Jim gasped at the sudden rush of sensation. It wasn’t as good as Bones’ cock. Nothing was as good as that. But it was so much better than the slow teasing of before had been.

 

Sweat stood out on Jim’s forehead. His heat was peaking, as high as it had ever been. The need to submit burned alongside the need for pure animal release. His faith that Bones would give him what he needed, albeit in his own time, was the only thing that kept Jim from degenerating into a babbling, begging mess.

 

Jim rolled his hips, trying to get Bones in deeper. Bones huffed a laugh, his breath ghosting over Jim’s cock. Jesus, he wouldn’t? That would just be fucking unfair.

 

He would. Jim let out a keening noise as Bones licked a stripe up the underside of Jim’s cock, just as he simultaneously slipped a third finger into the omega’s clenching hole.

 

“Fuck!” Jim swore as Bones took the crown of Jim’s cock into his mouth and sucked. It was too much; so intense that Jim felt like he was going to burst into flames.

 

Bones pulled off Jim’s dick, grinning. “You like that?” he asked innocently.

 

Jim let his head drop back against the pillows. “I’d like it better if you’d get up here and fuck me,” he replied, his voice strained.

 

Bones made a contemplative sound, like he was considering it, all the while not stopping the slow scissoring of his fingers.

 

“Please, Bones,” Jim begged desperately. “Please.”

 

Even though he knew something infinitely better was coming, he still made a disappointed sound when Bones’ fingers slipped out of his body. The emptiness was back multifold. Jim watched Bones resettle himself, spreading Jim’s thighs apart to accommodate the alpha’s body. Jim angled his hips so that Bones could guide himself in.

 

The slide of Bones’ cock was agonizingly slow. Even so, Jim exalted, digging his nails into Bones’ back, burying his face into Bones’ neck and breathing in his scent. Jim could feel the fine trembling of muscles beneath his hands, a testament to the effort it took for Bones to maintain all that control.

 

When Bones was finally seated all the way inside of him, Jim couldn’t help but give an experimental roll of his hips. It just felt too good not to move.

 

“Jesus,” Bones cursed, his voice strained.

 

Jim gripped Bones’ sides tightly as the alpha pulled back and thrust forward. The movement was subtle, but the sensations that raced up Jim’s spine were anything but. Jim gasped into Bones’ mouth. He shifted his legs up, wrapping them around Bones, moving with him as the alpha began to set a slow, languid pace. They rocked together, exchanging slow kisses and caresses. Jim’s erection was trapped between them, rubbing against Bones’ belly in the most delicious way.

 

Jim shuddered, a moan escaping him, as one of Bones’ thrusts grazed his prostate. Bones began replicating that angle, until more often than not, he was hitting that sweet spot. Jim began moaning in earnest. He had been primed by Bones’ teasing; both with his fingers and his mouth. The coil of orgasm began to wind at the base of Jim’s spine.

 

“Remember what I told you,” Bones murmured against Jim’s lips. “No coming until you have permission.”

 

“Please, Bones. I’m close.”

 

Bones’ steady rhythm stilled, though his slow caresses did not. “Not yet, darlin’.”  He kissed the omega gently in the hollow of his throat. “You tell me when you’re good, and we’ll go again.”

 

Jim thumped his head against the pillows in frustrated desire. “You’re killing me here, Bones.” The alpha merely pressed another kiss into his skin.

 

Moments passed, and the tight curl of impending orgasm began to dissipate. Jim didn’t know whether to mourn the loss of be relieved.

 

Bones pressed his lips just below Jim’s jaw, where his pulse beat in an accelerated rhythm. “Better?”

 

Define better? Jim simply nodded.

 

Bones sat back on his haunches, gripping Jim’s hips tightly and drawing Jim back with him. The pressure was off Jim’s cock, which made it easier. Bones’ thrusts were sharper, more demanding, which made it harder.

 

Things began to take on a dreamlike quality. An ecstatic pattern of dance and retreat. Jim thought he was going to die from the pleasure of it. Bones would drive him to the brink of orgasm and then slowly coax him down only to begin all over again. Both alpha and omega trembled with pleasure and exhaustion. Bones looked red and wrecked and sweaty, like he was barely holding it together himself. Jim reached up and ran a hand through damp brown hair, pulling the other man down to Jim’s waiting lips. He kissed Bones deeply, unhurriedly. Bones moaned into his mouth.

 

This was the man he choosing to give himself to for the rest of his life. And before they both passed out from exhaustion mid-coitus, Jim wanted to make that choice once and for all.

 

“Please,” he begged against Bones’ lips.

 

“You want to come?” Bones teased, wrapping his hand around Jim’s steadily leaking cock.

 

If he said yes, he might get to come. But an orgasm paled in comparison to what he really wanted.

 

“Yes,” Jim replied. “But I want something else more.” He arched his head back, wordlessly baring his throat.

 

Bones groaned like the sound was being ripped out of him. His hips stuttered in their rhythm.

 

“You’re sure?” he asked hoarsely.

 

Jim’s breath caught as Bones grazed his prostate again. That coupled with the hand wrapped tight around Jim’s cock almost spelled the end of him.

 

Jim pressed a hand to the back of Bones’ neck, pulling Bones down to where he wanted him. He could feel the alpha’s breath wafting over the sensitive junction of his neck and shoulder. He shivered.

 

“Yes,” Jim promised. “Mark me up.”

 

Bones growled against his skin, his hand coming up to fist in Jim’s hair, holding him in place. Jim felt the press of lips just below his jaw, over where his pulse raced, the spot that Bones seemed to like so much.

 

“Come when you’re ready.” Bone pressed the words into Jim's skin. Then came the sharp sting of teeth, a hard bite.

 

The sensation went right to Jim’s cock. He whimpered as the pleasure/pain became a jumble inside of him. His orgasm, long denied, rushed up to greet him. Jim sobbed out his release, tears leaking from the corner of his eyes at the overwhelming intensity of it. His back arched as he began to spurt, hot and hard over Bones’ fist.

 

He lost himself for a moment, but when he came to awareness again, it was to Bones looking down at him with something akin to awe on his face. Then he leaned down to press a kiss to Jim’s lips.

 

“Mine,” he murmured against Jim’s mouth.

 

Jim hummed contentedly. “Yours.” The mark on his neck burned. It was then that Jim realized Bones was still hard and full inside of him. Jim rolled his hips, relishing the hitch in Bones’ breathing. “Your turn,” he told his mate.

 

Bones groaned, drawing out only to press himself slowly back in. Jim shivered, still sensitive.

 

“Yeah, that’s it,” Jim murmured. “Come for me.”

 

It didn’t take much. Jim spoke low words of encouragement, moving with Bones as his thrusts became faster, sharper.

 

Bone came with a groan, pressing inside Jim, forcing himself deep. Jim could feel how intense it was. Bones shook beneath his hands. Jim sighed, satisfaction rolling over him; marked on the inside and the outside.

 

Bones dropped his head to Jim’s chest as he gasped his recovery. Jim brought a hand up, carding it through Bones’ hair. He felt weightless, like he was floating, even as the exhaustion began to creep in.

 

Bones pressed a ghost of a kiss to Jim’s sternum, then his collarbone. Then he pressed his lips ever so lightly to the mark. Jim shivered again.

 

Bones found Jim’s lips. The kiss was warm, deep, intimate. Jim let his fingernails scrape the back of Bones’ neck, just below his hairline. Bones sighed into Jim’s mouth.

 

“You’re incredible,” he told Jim when they came up for air.

 

Jim hummed, still stroking the back of his mate’s neck. He smiled sleepily. “Not so bad yourself.”

 

Bones huffed a laugh.

 

Jim managed not to feel any regret as Bones gently withdrew from his body. He was too warm and sated. They wiped away the worst of the mess with the sheets. Jim was not about to let Bones up, not even for something to clean them off. The mark was fresh, the mating bond still in its infancy, and Jim couldn’t stand not having Bones there pressed up against him, even for a moment.

 

They settled comfortably. Jim let out a happy sound as Bones’ pulled him close, wrapping tightly around him. His awareness of everything outside the two of them was fading as he surrendered to his own exhaustion. Bones caressed him gently, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

 

“You were so good for me,” Bones murmured into his hair, adding to Jim’s sense of contentment. He had pleased his alpha, the knowledge sat warmly inside him.

 

Bones continued to whisper low words of praise and possession as Jim felt himself slip smoothly into sleep.

 

***

 

The first thing Jim registered, as he began to wake, was that he was alone in the bed. He frowned his displeasure, slowly opening his eyes. He squinted in the sunlight that poured through the window.

 

The second thing he registered, was that he must have slept through the alarm.

 

“Shit!” Jim cursed as he tossed off the covers and swing his legs off the side of the bed.

 

“Relax,” Bones said from where he was seated at the desk, clad only in his boxers and a threadbare t-shirt. His hair was damp from the shower he must have taken. “I made our excuses for the day.”

 

Jim immediately flopped back down on the bed. “You are the best mate ever,” he informed Bones as he curled back up under the covers.

 

Bones chuckled, his gaze warm and affectionate.

 

Mate, Jim thought with a sense of wonder. He stretched out his hand to Bones, wanting him there in the bed beside him. He wanted to feel the reality of him, wanted Bones’ touch and his smell and his arms around him.

 

Bones wrinkled his nose. “Those sheets are disgusting,” he informed Jim.

 

Jim pouted.

 

“Go take a shower. I’ll change the sheets. Besides, you smell,” he told Jim matter-of-factly.

 

Jim sighed dramatically. “The romance is dead,” he mourned. But the prospect of a hot shower was compelling. Even more so the chance to lie down on clean sheets with Bones beside him.

 

Jim dropped a kiss to the top of Bones’ head as he made his way to the bathroom. Bones hummed approvingly.

 

The shower was divine. He was sore and weary from the lack of sleep and the strain of his heat. He lingered, letting the hot water soak into his muscles.

 

He managed to brush his teeth but eschewed shaving for the moment. The promise of more sleep was too tempting. However, he couldn’t help lingering in front of the mirror for a long moment.

 

The mark on his neck stood out a brilliant red, darker where it was already starting to bruise. Jim could see the indentations left by Bones’ teeth. Jim brushed his fingers across the abused flesh, marveling at the tangible evidence of his mating.

 

“Sorry,” Bones said from the bathroom doorway, frowning.

 

“For what?” Jim asked incredulously.

 

“I broke the skin,” he stated, looking slightly guilty.

 

“So?”

 

“It’s unhygienic,” Bones explained.

 

Jim laughed. “It’s fucking hot is what it is.” He turned from Bones back to the mirror, admiring the mark.

 

Bones came up behind Jim, pressing against him, arms coming up around his shoulders in an embrace. Bones’ expression in the mirror was serious, intense. Bones brought a hand up, skimming his fingers across the claiming mark. Jim shivered.

 

“Anyone who sees this will know that I belong to you,” Jim told him, leaning back into Bones. Jim's body practically hummed with satisfaction, the new bond strengthening with the closeness. “You like that, don’t you?” he teased.

 

Bones mouthed at the back of Jim’s neck, giving a soft bite and drawing another shudder out of the omega. “Yes.”

 

Jim cursed the refractory period that all omegas experienced after their heats. It would be another day, maybe two before his hormone levels rebounded enough to make love to his new mate. He sighed.

 

Bones pressed another kiss into the skin of Jim’s neck. He seemed to sense Jim’s frustration. “C’mon,” he said soothingly. “Let’s go to bed.”

 

It was probably the most at ease Jim had ever felt, lying there in Bones’ bed, the alpha’s arms wrapped around him.

 

“We need to file for a change in status. And joint housing,” Bones pointed out conversationally as his fingers traced patterns into Jim’s back.

 

It was a compelling picture. Coming home to the same place at the end of each day, sleeping in the same bed every night. Living together in truth, rather than splitting time between his dorm room and Bones’.

 

“Later,” Jim ordered. “Right now, less talk, more sleeping,” was what Jim said.

 

Bones chuckled, tightening the hold on the omega. Jim tucked his head under Bones’ chin, nuzzling his face into Bones’ neck. Contentment lay on him like a blanket.

 

“Thank you,” he murmured into Bones’ skin.

 

Bones made a questioning sound.

 

“For sticking by me. For putting up with my shit. For not giving up on me, on us.”

 

Bones pressed a kiss into the top of Jim’s head. “Could never do that, darlin’. You’re mine. I’m goin’ nowhere without you.”

 

Jim Kirk, the man who swore once that he would never belong to anyone ever again, the man who swore never to trust anyone again, the man who’s life had once been driven by anger and fear, burrowed into his mate’s arms. Lulled by the sound of Bones’ heartbeat, he believed.

 

 

[Epilogue]

 

Leonard walked with leaden steps across the shuttlebay. All around him cadets scrambled to their assigned posts. The atmosphere was one of barely organized chaos.

 

A disciplinary hearing. A distress call from Vulcan. And here he was leaving Jim behind.

 

It was Jim’s own fault, he reminded himself. Anger burned in him at his mate’s recklessness, at the situation in which he had put himself. Put them both in.

 

Because now Leonard was doing what he’d sworn never to do. He was walking away. He was going into fucking space. And he was doing it without Jim.

 

Each step caused him an almost physical pain. The bond and his conscience screamed at him. The look that had been in Jim’s eyes as he said goodbye haunted Leonard. The cracking veneer of a brave front, a lie, and one put on for Leonard’s benefit.

 

Leonard’s steps slowed, then stopped.

 

He could do two things, he could do his job, or he could keep his promise to the only person in his life that really mattered. He had made a promise, to Jim and to himself, never to leave Jim behind.

 

Could never do that, darlin’. You’re mine. I’m goin’ nowhere without you.

 

Jim made a surprised sound when Leonard came up behind him and grabbed him by the hand, pulling him towards the medical bay.

 

“Come with me.”

 

[End]