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They'd been kissing for a while now. Gentle at first. Tess had started it, turned away from the tv and to him and kissed him. Alec had reciprocated, of course. He liked kissing her. It had taken a while at first, her lips feeling so different from his ex-boyfriend Henry's, softer, somehow, but still more demanding and forward, but he was used to her kisses now and he enjoyed them. Naturally, he had pulled her closer and his hands had wandered into her hair and shortly after she had climbed into his lap, her tongue licking at his lip and her hands wandering over his sides and his back and his chest. The whispered 'Love you's in their little pauses for breath seemed so much louder than the tv and everything was okay. But then Tess's fingers moved to undo the buttons on Alec's shirt and he froze.
Shit. He should have known that this would lead here.
He didn't mind sex, really. He didn't understand the huge deal everyone made it out to be and he had absolutely no understanding for casual sex with strangers cause he couldn't see how that would give you anything, but as long as he could make his partner happy, he very much didn't mind it.
So that wasn't problem.
The problem were the scars.
Of course, Tess noticed that he froze. She pulled away from the kiss, pushed a strand of hair behind his ear.
'Alec?'
He turned away. He could feel her eyes on him, wanted to sink into the cushions of his shabby sofa and never come out again. He should have known. Shit. Shit. There was no way that he could let her see his body. She'd leave him, immediately. Nobody wanted to be with someone as broken as him, someone who had tried to take their own bloody life. So far he had succeeded in hiding his scars and even his nightmares from her, and to his knowledge she didn't suspect a thing but there was no way for him to keep it secret if they kept going now.
Shit.
The feeling of her small, warm fingers moving down onto his cheek brought him back to reality.
'Alec, sweetheart.' Her voice was soft, quiet, as if she was speaking to a distressed animal (which in some way, Alec had to admit, was true. He tended to lose any sense of courage as soon as it came to his mental health issues.) 'We don't have to do anything if you're not ready.'
He shook his head, still avoided looking her in the eye. His answer was barely a whisper and he registered from the corner of his eye that she turned the tv off.
'S'not that.'
'What is it then?'
Her voice was thick with concern and Alec hated himself for it. She shouldn't be worried. There was nothing to worry about. He was fine. At least he had been until she decided she wanted to undo his bloody shirt buttons.
'Nothing.'
Tess sighed.
'Please look at me, Alec,' she said, her thumb slowly stroking his cheek.
He obeyed. His tired dark eyes focused on the space between her eyebrows because he couldn't look her in the eye now. He just couldn't. She smiled at him, an exhausted sad smile. He knew how much she hated that he didn't like to talk about himself.
'I love you,' she said.
'Love you, too,' he responded, quietly.
When she leant forward, he closed his eyes, let her peck his lips.
'Tell me what's wrong?,' she asked, resting her head against his neck, still clearly worried.
'It's just...,' he started, eyes still closed. He didn't know what to say. He'd only ever had to explain it once, to Henry and Henry had been great about it, even helped him to drop that terrible self-harm habit he'd developed after his suicide attempt. He'd never let anyone except for Henry get close enough to notice the small scars, some ridged, some smooth on his forearms, the bigger ones on his stomach and thighs.
Not all of them were self-inflicted, of course. Some where from the nights when he couldn't escape quick enough from his father after he'd had a whiskey too much, and others were results of violent suspects throwing tantrums. Most people in the police force had stories of how they got this scar, or that one, and Alec had become one of them while he was still young.
Eyes still closed, Alec took a deep breath. 'It's nae pretty.'
'What do you mean?'
'My - my body. There are,' he swallowed, mentally preparing for the rejection that was sure to come, 'there are scars. A lot of them.'
Tess exhaled in what seemed to be relief. Her lips pressed to the warm skin at Alec's neck in an almost kiss and he could feel them moving when she spoke.
'That's alright, Alec. Normal. We've all got scars, that's nothing to be ashamed of.'
Alec shook his head.
'You haven't seen them. Not all of them were - well, were accidents. I used to...- shit, I just can't tell you, I'm sorry.'
Tess didn't move and Alec could hear in her voice that (understandably) she was starting to get impatient but didn't want to show it.
'You can.'
He shook his head. Seconds later, a hand was closing around his, slowly, but firmly.
'What are you scared of?,' she asked.
Shit. She'd become too bloody good at reading him. And too bloody good at getting him to tell her what she wanted to know, too. Sometimes it was helpful, really. But not right now. He didn't want her to know right now.
Of course, he still answered.
'You're going to leave me,' he responded after a short pause. 'You're going to make fun of me for being so weak and pathetic and then you're going to leave me and I'm not going to see you again.'
He couldn't see the hurt in her eyes with his eyes still closed, but he could hear it so bloody clearly.
'Don't you trust me?'
Yes. More than anyone else. That's what he wanted to say. He couldn't.
'Tess, please.'
'You can tell me,' she insisted, calmly and quietly. 'I promise I won't leave you.'
'I, shit, I - there - there was a time when I didn't want to live anymore, okay? And I tried to kill myself and then I survived and made a habit of hurting myself when everything got too much. My body is ugly. Full of scars. My arms especially. Don't want you to see them.'
Tess didn't say anything. Great, Hardy. Now you've ruined it. She's going to leave, just like you predicted and you're going to be alone and she's going to tell people at the station and they'll all be making a joke out of your past by tomorrow. Head down, he waited for the sudden movement of her getting up, but it didn't happen. A silence followed, finally broken by Tess.
'I don't know what to say, love.'
'That's okay. Just leave and we'll move on and never speak of this again.'
He could live with it. It would be hard but he'd adjust. Maybe find someone else. Probably not, though. It had taken such a long time for him to get over the break-up with Henry and hadn't it been for Tess, he still wouldn't be.
'No,' Tess said, quietly at first, then louder. 'No, I won't.'
'Tess.'
'Alec, I love you. No amount of scars will change that.'
Alec shook his head, turned away again. She didn't understand. She didn't know what his body looked like, how deep some of the cuts had been. His chest rumbled with a deep, shaky breath. Shit. Don't cry now. Don't cry or she is gonna leave you for real. Bloody weak bastard.
He blinked the tears away, hoping that Tess wouldn't see them in the dimly lit room. She didn't, luckily.
'Are you alright now?,' she asked instead, hand still lightly cupping his cheek.
'Yes. 'S been some time since I last...' Since I last hurt myself. Cut my own skin. He trailed off, not wanting to say it out loud. Tess nodded, didn't ask any further
'That's - good.'
'Aye.'
'You don't have to be ashamed of it. I mean, I don't say that I understand it, but it's - well it's not a - well - shit. What I'm trying to say is that there is no need to hide anything, alright? Not from me.'
The only answer she got was a quiet hum. She turned in his lap to pull him into a proper hug and while he didn't do anything to reciprocate, he did rest his head against her shoulder. They sat together like this for a few minutes, the only sounds their quiet breathing and the distant cars on the high street a few roads down. When Tess fumbled for the buttons of Alec's shirt again, he flinched, and she stopped and looked at him, and after a short pause and a deep breath, he nodded for her to go on.
'Not doing anything,' she reassured, 'just want to see you, alright?'
His voice was raspy with the suppressed tears.
'Alright.'
After she'd help him shrug his shirt off his pale skinny shoulders, her eyes wandered over his body. She was untypically quiet, he noticed. Her fingers stroked over his collar bone and he shivered, finally opened his eyes again just in time to see her lean forward and kiss a scar on his shoulder. That one was old, he'd probably been about seven at the time, and he'd fallen into a shard while he was wandering through the forest behind his childhood home. They had had to take him to the hospital to get it sewn back together, the cut had been so deep. Now, only a smooth and straight white line was left.
Another shiver went through his body. She looked up, smiled at him and he smiled back, the corners of his mouth rising the slightest bit.
'Are you cold?,' she asked.
He shook his head.
'Just weird.'
'Bad weird?'
Another head shake.
''S fine.'
It was fine. Somehow, and he couldn't explain why, this was alright. He was still extremely self conscious but he didn't mind Tess seeing his scars.
'Let me see your arms?'
His smile fell, but he didn't protest, held out his right arm. His fingers were shaking just the slightest bit. He knew that the scars on his right arm weren't as bad as the one on his left because he was right handed and rarely hurt himself there.
Tess looked at his forearm in the dim light, ran a finger down it.
'Oh, Alec, sweetheart.'
Alec shook his head.
'Jus' ignore them,' he mumbled.
'Can you tell me what happened?
'Not now. Some time, maybe. Hopefully.'
He smiled again, to show that he did really hope he could tell her some time and she nodded, her hand wandering down further to take his.
'I trust you, Tess.'
'I trust you, too, Alec. And I love you.'
'I love you, too.'
'God, were cheesy.'
'Don't care.'
'Me neither.'
Alec slowly pulled his arm away, hugged Tess to his naked chest. She let him, closed her arms around his waist as well.
'Everything alright now?'
Alec nodded.
'Can I kiss you again?'
'Of course, love.'
She kissed him. Her lips pressed onto his and he kissed back and his hands found their way into her hair again and her hands started wandering his skinny frame, chest first, then shoulders, sides, stomach, before they rested on his hips. He hesitated, broke the kiss. That Tess hadn't freaked out had calmed him a bit, but he was still so shaken from their conversation and still so self conscious about his body that he didn't feel ready for anything right now.
'Not today, okay?'
'Not today,' Tess confirmed. 'Whenever you're ready. We've got time.'
And time they had.
About fourteen years, to be exact, before an affair would break them apart.