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There is nothing Felix regrets about signing on with the Unreliable. Sometimes he has nightmares where he’s stuck in the Back Bays, trying to get to the docks and only getting there in time to see the ship lifting off without him. Sometimes he dreams of the moment he and the Captain met, only this time she doesn’t even spare him a glance. He knows that his life could be so much worse, has been so much worse. So no, even when he can’t catch the latest tossball match or Max is hogging the bathroom again, there is never a regret.
That being said, it's not like life is exactly perfect either. The one thing Felix could truly, really do without is the lack of privacy. It’s a big ship, sure, and each of the crew members have their own space. They’ve ran together through so many dangerous missions at this point that sometimes it's easy to forget it is their own.
They are always coming and going in each other’s room, barging in to demand witnesses for stupid stunts or to mitigate an argument. I f you’re alone, there is always the threat that you soon won’t be. Even the single bathroom they share is no longer sacred. Someone is always banging on the fucking door.
So when the crew docks on Groundbreaker, intent on a little leisure time, Felix intends to spend a little private time to himself. Parvati has disembarked for some personal time with Junlei and won’t be back for a minute, and the rest of the crew have spread to the promenade. Ellie and Nyoka expressed plans to get black out drunk while they were safe, and the Captain had mentioned something about looking for work.
She’d asked him, before they’d disembarked, if he’d wanted to tag alon g . Any other day, he would’ve jumped at the opportunity. She often chose him to accompany her, usually with another one of the crew. Rarely did they get the chance to be alone, unless he was dreaming. That was the point of this whole alone time thing—to work out some frustrations of a physical kind that he can’t really allow himself to think about otherwise.
He waits until he is truly alone on the ship save for S.A.M. and ADA, who are doing some weird robot things Felix would rather not think about. Instead, he settles into his bunk and lets his mind wander to the Captain. He thinks about how soft her hair would feel between his fingers, how her lips would feel pressed against his skin.
It isn’t long before he’s hard in his hand, pretending its hers instead. He imagines the sounds he could get her to make, the way his name would sound around her lips. There are things that he longs to do to her, to have her want him to do to her, that sometimes he can’t help but think about.
But it’s not just the physical things that constantly remind him just how much he wants her. It’s her small laugh at his particularly stupid jokes, the way her eyes light up when she looks at him. When they talk, he feels like her attention is wholly his, and what a thing that is to have.
Felix’s head tips back as he imagines her kissing her way up his neck as she rides him, just as the door to his room hisses open. “Felix, I know you said--”
His head snaps up in panic, dick in hand, as the woman he’s fucking fantasizing about stands before him. She’s staring at him with wide eyes, her cheeks beginning to bloom. For half a second, her gaze strays downward and then she squeezes her eyes closed. Stumbling backwards , she stutters, “Oh my God, I’m sorry, I—fuck, sorry, sorry.”
Felix can’t get a word out before she’s down the hallway. His dick is still in his hand. Fuck, fuck, fuck, he would be lucky if she ever even looked at him again. Before he could think about what he was doing, he was jerking his sleep pants up his legs and hopping out after her. His feet thud down the steps as he strains to listen for her, but he doesn’t end up having to go far.
She’s in the Captain’s quarters, hands clenched around her desk with her back to him. His heart clenches, and he’s more nervous than when he pitched himself to her way back when on Groundbreaker. “Uh, Boss?”
Felix feels a weight drop into his belly when he sees the way she tenses at his voice. He imagines her kicking him off the crew, dropping him back off to lift boxes for the rest of his life. After a beat, she responds awkwardly without turning around, “Yes...?”
“I...” he doesn’t know what he wants to say. Well, that’s not true. There are a million things he wants to say. I’m sorry. Please don’t kick me out. I think I’m in love with you. I thought I was alone. I’m sorry. “Can we talk?”
“Of course!” Her voice is full of false cheeriness, something he has heard a million times from her but never directed at him. She finally turns around, and he can see that she’s still blushing. “What’s up?”
He’s so nervous he can’t help but wring his fingers. He so desperately wants to get this right. “I, uh, I’m sorry.”
She blinks at him, her brows drawing together, “For what?”
Felix can’t look her in the eye. “Uh, you know. What you saw.”
“Oh,” she can’t seem to look at him either. “You don’t have to apologize. I should be the one doing that. I shouldn’t have just barged in like that. Disrespecting your privacy.”
“Boss,” he shakes his head, “This is your ship. And even if it weren’t, you’re welcome in my room anytime. Um. What I mean to say is...I don’t want this to change anything with us. I’d do anything for this crew, whenever.”
Her face goes blank. “Did you...you think I want to toss you off?” The b l ush spreads as soon as she realizes what she’s said. “The crew, I mean? You really think I’d do something like that?”
She sounds hurt, and he feels like he just keeps saying the wrong thing. “You’re a great captain. But I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Grossed out by me. Repulsed at the very thought.” He offers a strained laugh, but he’s not entirely joking.
Her face softens, “Felix.”
“Yeah, Boss?”
“You could never make me uncomfortable. And you’re certainly not repulsive,” her voice is soft too, and he’s suddenly very aware that he hadn’t bothered to put on a shirt in his hurry. He feels naked, even though he’s wearing his pants now.
“Uh huh,” Felix rocks back on his bare heels.
“I’m serious, Felix. I mean, have you seen yourself?” She seems a little irritated now that he doesn’t believe her.
His mouth moves before his brain thinks. “I’ve seen you , Boss, and we’re not exactly level. You’re like... in the Tossball Toss-Offs and I’m...well, I ain’t nowhere near that.”
“What?” She seems confused and then strangely, disheartened. “ You don’t have to say that, Felix. I’m not joking.”
She looks away from him, a frown beginning to pull at her lips. Suddenly it doesn’t matter how scary confessing to her seems. All that matters is that she knows he’s not lying or joking, that she knows how fucking special she is.
Felix clears his throat. “I ain’t either.”
Her face pinches, and her face doesn’t move back to his. He takes a step toward her before he can stop himself. “Boss, you’re fucking beautiful. There’s no one in Halycon that holds a candle to you. Looks-wise and personality. You care so much...this colony would be so much worse off if you’d never woken up. I’d be so much worse off.”
“Felix,” she whispers, “stop.”
Heat washes over him, but he’s not embarrassed. Nothing he said was a lie. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, Boss, but it’s the truth. You can ask anybody on this ship.”
She’s silent, but after a moment, she does look up at him, eyes watery. His stomach twists, “Shit, I didn’t mean to make you...”
She cuts him off, “You know no one has ever called me beautiful? Ever? On Earth, I was nice. Here, all people care about is how I can help them. But no one’s dared go that far to try to get me on their side.”
“Well, they’re all fucking stupid,” Felix says, and he means it.
“Felix,” she locks eyes with him, and her voice wobbles, “If this is a joke, you need to tell me now. I’m serious. Please.”
He feels that sinking sensation in his stomach again. Obviously, he’d not broadcasted his attraction to her, but for him to tell her to her face and still not believe him? For her to believe that he would really hurt her like this? His own voice is choked when he replies, taking another step toward her, “I would never lie to you, Boss.”
She searches his face for a moment and in the next, her lips are pressed against his. His heart thuds against his chest as he realizes what's happening. They both pull back, but’s like a switch had been flipped. Neither of them can lean in fast enough, and he can’t help but bring his hands up to cradle her face. Her hands are blazing against the bare skin of his chest where she rests them, and he’s sure she must feel his heart pounding.
His lips move to the corner of hers as she slides her hands up and whispers his name. They walk backwards until she is pressed up against the steel of her bedroom wall, hands gliding over his shoulders. Felix lifts her by the thighs easily and pins her against the wall, at least one benefit from lifting all that cargo on Groundbreaker. She runs her fingers through his messy hair, kissing him just as thoroughly.
As with most things, he can’t keep his mouth shut. He breaks away from her lips and moves down to the point where her neck meets her shoulder, murmuring, “I’ve always wanted to do this.”
In response, she nibbles on his earlobe, causing him to press his hardness against her center involuntarily. The moan she lets out in his ear is positively sinful, will stay in his mind for the rest of his days. But still, he pants, “Sorry.”
She places her soft hands on either side of his face and levels her eyes at him. “Don’t be,” she says.
“Yeah?” he asks, pressing into her again, because his cock is aching through his sleep pants and he wants her so desperately.
“Yes,” she moans, and tilts her head back against the wall. It’s not long before her shirt comes off too, and Felix is too distracted by the new expanse of skin to continue his ministrations. The angle becomes awkward, and he ends up carrying her to her bed and settling between her thighs to lavish at her breasts. Her breathy moans encourage him, and the dreams he’s had of these moments are nothing close to the real thing.
“Felix,” she sighs, and he kisses his way back up to her face. “Can I touch you?”
“You can do anything you want to me,” he swallows, and tries not to lose it as her hand tentatively drifts down toward his pants. Her fingers scrape through his happy trail before slipping beneath the waistband to grasp him. His hips jerk involuntarily, and the moan he lets out is embarrassing.
“Is this okay?” she breathes, stroking him gently.
“Course.” he responds, hands balling her sheets into his fists. She continues to stroke him, squeezing occasionally and experimenting. Eventually his pants are shimmied o ff and she’s stroked him too close for comfort. “My turn.”
They change positions again, Felix kneeling between her bare legs now and reaching down to her warm center. “Show me how to touch you,” he murmurs, placing his hand over one of hers. She hesitates at first but then begins to circle her clit with two fingers and loses herself to the sensations. When she is squirming too much to continue herself, he takes care of her until she clenches around his fingers and stutters out his name.
“I want you inside me,” she pants, and it feels like his heart has stopped. This can’t be real.
“Are you sure?”
“Course,” she smiles at him so softly and she looks so beautiful that he thinks he’ll remember this moment forever.
They readjust a little, her legs coming up to circle his waist as settles against her. He slides his cock against her pussy, teasing her until she huffs out his name and wiggles her hips. Felix leans down to kiss her as he slides inside, and they gasp into each other’s mouths at the sensation. Her hands return to his hair as he builds a steady pace, angling his pelvis so that it brushes against her clit with every thrust.
He begins to pound into her hard, sucking at that spot on her neck. Her legs clench impossibly tighter around him, her heels digging into his ass. “You feel so good,” she moans, one of her hands sliding over his shoulder and scraping the skin there.
“I’ve dreamt about you like this,” he pants, balancing on one hand to slide the other down to her clit. He doesn’t think he’s going to be able to last much longer, and he wants to feel her cum around him. “You turn me on so fucking much.”
She begins to stutter out his name in a beautiful, broken way, “Fe-lix, I-I'm so c-close...”
“I got you,” he murmurs, punctuating his words with particularly deep thrusts. It isn’t long before she clenches around him, arching into him as close as possible, crying out his name.
“So beautiful,” he pants as she rides out her orgasm, lazily pressing kisses to any part of his skin that she can reach.
“Come on, Felix,” she says softly, voice wrecked, “I want you to cum, you fucked me so good. Come on, I’ve got you.”
There’s not much holding on after that, and his thrusts become erratic until he’s pushing into her and spilling inside her. They’re both panting, and after a minute, he pulls out, dropping onto the small portion of the mattress that’s not occupied. He’s seeing stars.
“Felix?” she asks, her voice hesitant.
“Yeah?”
“Do you think you could...run to the bathroom and grab me something to clean up with?” She sounds embarrassed, and he feels stupid for not thinking of it himself.
“Course,” he jumps up, reaching blindly for his lost pants and hopping into them on the way out of her quarters. He cleans himself up while he’s in the bathroom, thankful that no one else is back on the ship yet. He wets a washcloth with warm water and returns to her, kneeling before her and cleaning up the mess he made himself.
She’s quiet as he does so, occasionally twitching when he brushes against a spot that’s still sensitive. He feels little trickles of dread dripping down into his gut, and clears his throat, “Was that okay?”
“What?” She blinks at him, as if she was in a trance, “It was great...wasn’t it?”
Relief floods through him more heavily than he cares to admit. “Out of this world,” he agrees, and can’t help himself from tacking on, “Just like you.”
When he looks up, she’s blushing but her smile is so genuine. Felix knows there’s no way he can ever go back to pretending like he wouldn’t do anything to see it. Somehow, he doesn’t think he will have to.