Chapter Text
It had started out innocent enough. He just needed a few extra bucks, so he could go to games on weekends or take a girl out for a fancy date. Or, hells, just to throw in some money for the rent so Ned would stop bitching at him all the time. Once he was out of school and had a real job, wasn't so gods damn broke all the time, he'd stop.
At least, he meant to stop. But these rich fuckers just made it so easy . You just drop a wedding invite in the mail, and, like magic, a check would arrive two weeks later, with an impersonal note of congratulations scrawled in the memo line. Then Robert afford some extra little luxuries, a vacation every now and again. It was a victimless crime, and he always put the money to better use than they would anyway.
Until—
“Robert, long time, no see.”
Cersei Lannister.
“Hey.”
She smiles as she saunters over to him, swing in her hips that draws the eye. Delicious as always. “Something seems different about you,” Cersei says, looking him up and down in a way that sends shivers down his spine. “You’re looking really good.”
“Why does it feel like you’re insulting me?”
Cersei laughs and and puts her hand on his shoulder. “No, really, you’ve always looked great, you know that, but, mmm.” Her hand slides down and squeezes his bicep. Her eyes flutter closed and she lets out a sound somewhere between a purr and a moan.
“You missing this, Cersei?” He smirks.
“You know me,” she says demurely. “Always wanting what I can’t have.”
“Just ‘cause we broke up doesn’t mean we can’t still fool around, if that’s what you’re after.”
“Oh? Oh, I must’ve been mistaken. I could’ve sworn Father got an invitation to your wedding just the other day.”
“W-what?” Robert chokes on his own surprise. He had completely forgotten he’d sent one of those to Twyin Lannister. He just wanted a little extra something to put down for a motorcycle. Yeah, sure, it was a little risky, trying to scam his ex-girlfriend’s dad, but he never would have done it if he had thought there was a chance in the seventh hell that she would see it. He knows for a fact that each and every Lannister has a horde of servants at their beck and call, they wouldn’t do something as mundane as check their own mail. Robert was sure that some poor overworked secretary would see the invitation and send the check with Tywin’s signature stamped on it. Shit. “Yeah, that’s- that’s right. I’m getting married.”
“I didn’t even know you and Lyanna were going out. I suppose it was only a matter of time though, what girl in her right mind can resist you for long?”
“Seems like I wore her down.” Robert shrugged, tried his best self-effacing smile, though inside he’s cursing. He never should’ve used Lyanna’s name, fucking amateur move. And Cersei and Lyanna, they’re friends. If Cersei asks Lyanna about this, any chance he has of actually getting Lyanna to go out with him, for real, is fucking gone. She’ll think he’s desperate, delusional, creepy…
“Well, congratulations. Never thought I’d see the day you got tied down.”
“Oh, you- you don’t have to come to the wedding. I really only sent your dad an invitation because, you know, our dads were close, it felt polite. But- but really, it’s just, a small thing. Family and close friends. Don’t—”
Cersei puts a hand to her heart. “That’s so sweet, I’m one of your closest friends? I am touched, Robert, truly. I wouldn’t miss it for the world!” She throws an arm around his neck and presses a kiss to his cheek, an unnaturally sweet gesture that sends a cold chill down his spine.
He is well and truly fucked.
[Robert Baratheon: u home? i need to see you asap. emergency]
Lyanna rolled her eyes and turned her phone facedown, not buying into whatever drama Robert had found himself in. If he's so desperate, he should just call Ned. So what if Ned was married now? That didn't break up their bromance, and it didn't mean it was her responsibility to take up the mantle of Stark-In-Charge-Of-Robert.
But whatever it was, he was not letting it go. Her phone kept chirping and buzzing and ringing until finally, exasperated, she couldn’t ignore it anymore. She swipes to unlock her phone and answers with a very unfriendly, “What!”
“Are you home right now?” comes his voice through the phone, sounding ragged and out of breath.
“Gods, Robert, what do you want now?”
“I- I can’t explain this over the phone, are you home?”
“What the fu- Yeah, yeah, I’m home.”
“Great.” Without any further explanation, or waiting for an invitation, he hangs up the phone, and is barging through her front door. He must’ve been calling from just outside. Lyanna groans, extra loud, to make certain he heard it, let him know how irritating he is being right now.
“What is your emergency, Robert? Why couldn’t you call Ned?”
“Can you— sit or something?”
“Okay, you’re starting to freak me out. What happened?”
He grips her by the shoulders and shoves her down on the couch, forcing her to sit while he paces anxiously in front of the coffee table, like a caged animal at the zoo.
“Spit it out already!”
“Cersei Lannister thinks we’re engaged.”
“What!”
“And she’s coming to the wedding.”
“What the— the FUCK, Robert?! How- Why does she think that?”
“Because, I might have— sent her father a wedding invitation.”
“To our wedding?”
“Yes.”
“I repeat; what the fuck!”
“It’s a scam!” He confesses loudly. “It’s just— a thing I do for some extra money.”
“Invite people to our non-existent wedding?”
“Yes. It’s— You send rich assholes a wedding invitation and most of the time, they just send you some money as a gift without ever even checking the names. Total strangers.”
“Except not total strangers, because you sent one to Cersei Lannister!”
“ To her father!” He defends, though he seems to recognize what a shit argument it is even as he says it. “I swear, I never thought she’d see it. I didn’t even think Tywin would, you know how Tywin is.”
“Why the hell would you use my name though! Couldn’t you make one up!”
“I used to.”
“Used to what?”
“Make up other girls names, to be my fake fiancée.”
“And some reason, that stopped working for you?”
Robert groans and flops on the couch beside her, his face hidden behind his hands. “Listen, Lyanna, I know you know I like you, okay? I haven’t been very shy about that. I just reached this point where— Fuck me, okay, just— whenever I thought about my wedding, even a fake one that didn’t even fucking matter, I just… you’re the only person I could think about calling my wife, and so, yeah, okay, I’ve used your name a few times, but really, I never meant any fucking harm, you never even knew about it, and if I hadn’t fucked up, you still wouldn’t know, so, just, don’t kill me for it, alright?”
“You know how absolutely creepy that is, right?”
“Yes, I know. I’m sorry.”
“Like, really, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Gods, I wish I knew.”
Lyanna has to sit back a moment to process all this, a million questions running through her head all at once and she can’t settle on what to ask first. There is one thing she can settle on though, and that’s punching Robert in the arm, as hard as she can.
“Ow, what the— Okay, okay, I deserve that.”
“No shit.” She closes her eyes and rests her head on the back of the couch; she can feel the headache coming on, just behind her eyes. She does not need this right now. Why are men so stupid? “How- exactly how many times did you use my name for this scam of yours?”
He blinks, seems like her question caught him by surprise. He hums as he thinks it over, not a good sign. “I don’t remember. A few. Five, six. Somewhere around there.”
“Five or six? You’ve stolen money from people, using my name , five or six times?!”
“It’s not stealing! I did not steal anything!”
“You admit it’s a scam though. Getting people to give you money under false pretenses? How is that different than theft?”
“It just is. Really, there’s nothing wrong about it, it’s not like I’m extorting anyone. They don’t have to give me cash, but they do.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night, thief.” And then another thought comes to her, something else she needs to know. “...how much do you usually make off doing this?”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
"I don't know, a few thousand?"
“A few thousand, for the cost of a wedding invitation.” It’s actually quite clever, she must admit. Not that she would ever, not unless she was desperate, but, it is a stroke of genius. “A few thousand per invitation. And you’ve used my name five or six times. I think that legally entitles me to half your gains.”
“How do you figure?”
“Well, husband ,” Lyanna says, smirking as his eyes go wide, jaw drops, “What’s yours is mine, right?”
A grin slowly spreads across his face, replacing the shock that colored it a moment ago. “So you’re in on this?”
Lyanna shakes her head. “No way am I going to help you convince Cersei we’re getting married, that’s insane. You gotta chalk this one up as a loss. I just want what I’m owed, back pay.”
“But—”
“But nothing. Seriously, what is your plan here? Throw an entire fake wedding just to fool one person, to get, what, enough money to make up a quarter the cost it would take to throw a fake wedding in the first place? Even as dumb as you are, you know that doesn’t make any sense at all. Absolutely none.”
“I know. I know I should have corrected her, should’ve admitted it was a lie, but, fuck, she caught me offguard and I just- reacted.”
“Your gut reaction is to lie to Cersei?”
“Well, yeah. Always has been. How do you think we managed to date for a year and a half?”
Lyanna gags. “Don’t remind me.”
“I’m sorry, Lyanna. I know I’m a royal dumbass. I wanted to tell you, before Cersei got to you. I thought it’d be better if I told you myself.”
“It’d be better if you’d never have used my name at all, Royal Dumbass.”
“I know. I’ll— I’m going to tell Cersei I lied, clear this up. Just rip off that fucking bandaid and—”
Lyanna doesn’t hear the end of that sentence though. Her phone buzzes against her hip and she’s quick to pull it out, to see who’s texting her now.
[Cersei Lannister: Wanted to congratulate you on your big news!!! You’re getting a good one]
[Cersei Lannister: I should know ;) ]
And something inside her snaps . The way Cersei always manages to make her snap. Feeling like they’re twelve again, when Cersei showed up to school after summer vacation wearing a bra (and not just the flat training bras Lyanna was wearing) and a face full of make-up. That was the year that suddenly, everything started feeling like a competition between them. Grades, sports, boys . Another vivid memory assaults her, junior year of high school, prom. The burning jealousy when Cersei asked Elbert Arryn to the dance, knowing that Lyanna liked him first. The utter humiliation when Cersei suggested Jaime accompany Lyanna, because, ‘It would be just too sad for you to go alone.’ A pity date. Jaime didn’t even try , just sat there all night, watching Cersei dance with Lyanna’s crush. By the time they crowned Cersei Prom Queen, Lyanna couldn’t stand it anymore. She ditched Jaime and walked home, miserable enough to cry. She’d lost. Again.
But this time, she wasn’t the loser. Cersei isn’t even in a relationship right now, is ages away from getting married. And Robert’s a fucking catch . He may be a pain in the ass, but gods be good, he’s a looker. Truly, a trophy husband. Not to mention, Cersei’s ex. Normally, Lyanna counts that against him. Any man who fell for Cersei, well , it was obvious why they were attracted, and Lyanna doesn’t hold those same charms . That aside, she has no interest in Cersei’s leftovers, used and discarded when she gets bored. But in this case, this petty, spiteful, randomly concocted scenario, it might actually be a good thing, because he’s not like all of Cersei’s other boyfriends. No, he is the one man who ever dared to dump Cersei Lannister, the only one she couldn’t sink her claws into. The one that got away. The perfect one-up. And that’s what makes her do it.
She grabs Robert by the shirt collar, pulling him down so that she can plant a kiss on his cheek as she snaps a photo. He’s startled, the expression he’s making in the picture shows that clearly, but somehow, he’s smiling too? His eyes are drawn to her, and one arm found its way around her waist just in time. It was candid, for certain, but sweet as well, they looked like a happy couple. And that’s all she needed. Send.
[Lyanna Stark: thx cers! can’t even BEGIN to tell you how excited we are!!! 💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞]
“What the hell was that!”
“Cersei doesn’t get to win, not this time.”
“Win? Lyanna, you’ve lost me.”
“Robert Baratheon, we’re getting married.”