Work Text:
Taehyung knows he looks good.
Jimin helped him get ready, blending his eyeshadow, helping to style his hair, even sorting out an outfit from the pile of clothes that Taehyung threw all around his room when he couldn’t decide.
He knows he looks good, because Jimin made sure, which means Taehyung shouldn’t be checking every reflective surface for his appearance. But Taehyung’s nervous, and only the possibility of Jimin’s hard word and ensuing wrath has stopped him from messing with his makeup so far, but he’s still concerned he’s smudged something.
His nerves are making him fidgety, but he’s trying not to touch his phone, not to even look in the front camera for his appearance. He doesn’t want to appear distracted, or bored, when his date walks in to the restaurant.
His date. He’s on a date.
That still hasn’t really sunk in. It’s been over a year since he’s been on one, and this is his first ever blind date. A blind date excitedly set up by his friends - organised mostly through Jimin, and the support of Jungkook’s boyfriend, Yoongi.
Yoongi apparently knew Taehyung’s mystery date through his work as a producer at a company, and Jimin has started to help out with choreography at the same company, also crossing paths with Taehyung’s date.
Jimin had been trying to persuade him for a while, and Taehyung had started to crack when Jimin roped in his boyfriends - Seokjin and Namjoon - to help, who were also familiar with Taehyung’s date. It was only when Jungkook started, though, that Taehyung relented.
(There’s not a lot of choice when Jungkook takes him out for a drink, and says “hyung, we don’t mean to push, but at the very least we really think you guys could become really close friends. And I think Jimin’s worried that you’re lonely, or something.”)
It’s not that, exactly. It’s just that Taehyung’s last relationship, two years ago, ended on a bad note, and he’s been determined to work on loving himself first since then. He dated, casually, but it never really progressed past a second date.
He’s okay on his own, with the support and love of his friends - truly, he is. But sometimes it does suck, just a little, when Jimin’s out with his boyfriends, and Jungkook is out with his, and Taehyung’s missing that physical, romantic intimacy.
But Jimin’s concern isn’t a new one. it’s been around a while, when they met back in high school, and Jimin had carefully edged into the question if Taehyung had recently had a break up.
He hadn’t, though Jimin seemed to recognise he was missing someone, but none of his attempts have been successful in learning anything more about it. Taehyung’s kept it a secret for so long now, he doesn’t know how to share it, even to Jimin.
(“Who is it, Taehyungie?” Jimin asks one night, long ago, when they’ve both had a little too much to drink because it’s Taehyung’s 20th birthday, and they’re stumbling home. “Who broke your heart so badly?”
Taehyung just shakes his head, not even the alcohol letting his lips shape the way around his secret from almost four years ago. “I broke it myself, Jiminie.”)
It’s the first time Jimin’s actually tried to set him up with someone, though. Taehyung trusts Jimin, and he also trusts Namjoon, Seokjin, Jungkook and Yoongi, and all of them seem to be behind this. So Taehyung trusts them, and trusts that his mystery date is a good, genuine person that Taehyung will like.
So he shouldn’t be nervous, because he trusts his friends - but there’s the uncertainty, the doubts that this won’t go as well as everyone hopes. That his mystery date will dislike Taehyung, will say “sorry, but I just don’t think I’m interested”, and this won’t work out.
And Jimin will take it the hardest - he’s really seemed eager about this, that Taehyung and this other guy will get along great, and he’s never pushed Taehyung into dating like this before. He’s always been supportive of Taehyung, of the time where Taehyung just worked on himself, and Taehyung probably owes him at least this much. To give it a try.
He’s sat down a little earlier than he was told to get there by, and he’s now sitting at the two-seater table under Yoongi’s name. There’s still about five minutes until it hits the agreed time, and he does his best not to spam Jimin’s messages.
Jimin has also done his best, but Taehyung’s phone lights up with notifications, distracting him from awkwardly staring at the front entrance like he’d be able to recognise his blind date when they walk through.
Soulmate Jiminie.
6:25pm
Don’t be nervous, Tae-ah!
You look so pretty, and let me tell you he melts in front of cute boys
And you’re the cutest, of course
which is also thanks to me
but like, cute sexy. your eyebrows could kill a man
also thanks to me and my eyebrow pencil, but also thanks to ur stupidly good genetics
just be yourself and it’ll go okay! no matter what i’ll be waiting at yours to support you <3
Unless of course this ends well enough that I shouldn’t be here
Anyway, fighting!!
also jungkook’s here, probably less as support and more just to steal your snacks
-
Cute Dongsaeng Jungkookie.
6:28pm
he’s lying, hyung! >:( I support you!
also, he’s stealing your snacks as well
-
Taehyung’s about to just send a message to their groupchat, but is stopped as he notices a waiter gesturing someone over to his table. He quickly locks his phone and looks up, trying to see the person behind the waiter.
Their head is down a little, but Taehyung can see enough. They look good, their hair neatly styled, hair colour a warm brown. Their clothes are a little different to Taehyung’s own style, but Taehyung can already tell they pull it off, that they’ve put care into their outfit. Not overdressed, but not too casual, like they want to make a good impression as well.
Taehyung doesn’t mind that their head is down, because that’s okay, it means they’re nervous as well. He watches as they approach the table, the waiter stopping and gesturing to it a few steps away, and the other man finally looks up.
It takes a moment.
I know him, he manages to think, despite his brain screeching to a stop, faltering because he knows this person, it’s been a while, but -
Jung Hoseok has just taken the seat across from him, and is extending his hand out for a handshake.
After ten years, Jung Hoseok is here in front of him, and Taehyung numbly takes his hand, functioning out of automatic, ingrained politeness. It’s the first time they’ve seen, touched, each other in ten years.
“Hello, Taehyung,” Hoseok says as they drop hands, and the smile he gives is polite, friendly, but it’s not warm.
“Hi, Hoseok,” Taehyung manages to reply, but his voice is quieter, less confident. Maybe for half a second, he thought about pretending like he didn’t know who Hoseok was. But something twists in his chest at that, and he won’t entertain the idea.
Hoseok must have recognised him as he walked up, given time to prepare as Taehyung had been looking down at his phone. But Taehyung is only realising it now, with no time to prepare at all, and he isn’t able to mask his surprise in time.
“Have you ordered?” Hoseok asks, and Taehyung can barely think. He just shakes his head, looking down at his unopened menu.
“No, I haven’t decided,” is his reply, and Hoseok nods, opening his own menu first.
“Okay, that’s fine. I haven’t been here before, have you?” Hoseok is… way too casual about this whole thing, probably. Shouldn’t he be angry, maybe? Asking Taehyung other questions, not just standard, awkward first date ones?
It's fine by Taehyung, at least, because he currently doesn’t think he can answer anything more intense. “No, Yoongi just said this was one he liked.”
“Well, he’s probably ordered delivery from every restaurant around here, so he probably knows what he’s talking about.”
Taehyung laughs at that, but it’s still awkward, and he isn’t sure if he laughed too hard, too long - he really just doesn’t know what to do, how to act.
Hoseok smiles, but doesn’t meet his eyes, and instead looks down at the menu. Taehyung takes a moment to look at him.
He’s changed - of course he has, it’s been 10 years. He’s grown up, now, no longer a skinny, gangly teenager, and his cheeks have lost some of their roundness. The hair colour looks good on him, but it’s different to the shorter black hair Taehyung only knew, and it’s jarring to see Hoseok differently to the last time he saw him.
He’s not wearing a loose tank-top, he’s not wearing a snapback cap, not wearing anything Taehyung associates with him from his memories. Maybe that’s why he didn’t recognise Hoseok at first glance, couldn’t place him.
The man before him is certainly different to the one from his past. Well styled hair, nicely fitting clothes, muscles that show he never stopped dancing. Carries himself differently, too.
But while Taehyung counts the differences, he starts to see the similarities. Hoseok has always been friendly, confident, and always approachable. He now looks a lot more confident in himself, in who he is, and those traits have only matured and grown with him.
His smile, though, is the biggest difference - dimmer than Taehyung ever remembers seeing it. But that could, of course, be down to the fact that Taehyung cut off contact with him over ten years ago. And now they’re before one another, ghosts from their pasts, and there’s ten unexplained years between them.
It’s overwhelming, sitting in front of Hoseok. It brings back emotions and memories Taehyung has been trying for ten years to hide, to push down. He realises, suddenly, that it’s now been longer that they haven’t talked, than the time they were best friends, and that - well, Taehyung is to fault for that.
Regret is something Taehyung has never really dealt with, or guilt - and honestly, Taehyung has just never seem to have dealt well with anything involving Hoseok.
(He used to be able to. They used to be inseparable, nothing between them, until Taehyung’s heart had suddenly taken a 500 kilometre plunge that he didn’t know how to cope with, how to explain that to Hoseok. And that’s when he didn’t know how to deal with it, or with Hoseok.)
But the way he managed it, ten years ago, has always been his biggest regret. He hid it away, smothered his feelings about it.
But now his biggest regret is sitting across from him and deciding what to eat for dinner.
Well, Hoseok isn’t his biggest regret: he can’t go as far as to say he ever regrets meeting Hoseok. But he regrets a lot of things, when it comes to Hoseok.
He doesn’t realise he’s been staring too long until Hoseok looks up, catching his stare, and Taehyung drops his eyes as quickly as possible. He just registers the look that crossed Hoseok’s face, for that one moment, and it hurts when he realises he doesn’t know what Hoseok’s thinking.
Hoseok had every reason, every justification, to leave the restaurant as soon as he saw Taehyung. Taehyung wouldn’t know any better, just think he’d been stood up - and honestly, right now, he’s kind of wishing that had happened. But Hoseok had approached, sat down, and seems like he’s going to drag on the awkward first-date conversation.
The waiter comes over, and Hoseok smoothly orders his meal and his drink, and Taehyung stumbles through his own. He’s not entirely sure what he’s ordered, and his panic refuses to settle when the waiter takes their menus off them, because that’s the easiest obstacle for their conversation gone.
Hoseok sighs, running a hand through his hair, then leans onto the table. Taehyung stops himself from leaning back in response, but can’t stop the way his fingers dig into his thighs.
“So, I take it they didn’t realise we knew each other.” Hoseok’s tone is light enough, like he’s trying to say a joke, but not quite succeeding.
The use of knew probably hurts more than it should, coming from Hoseok. He knows it’s right, though - looking at Hoseok, he recognises him, but he doesn’t know him, not anymore. Just the memories from all those years ago.
“No, I don’t think they did,” Taehyung replies. Jimin definitely wouldn’t have set this whole thing up, if he knew Hoseok was the one on his mind whenever he asked who Taehyung was heartbroken over.
Hoseok nods, eyes roaming over the restaurant. He’s giving Taehyung a chance, a moment to explain what happened, how they got to the point of their mutual friends setting them up on a date despite everything, but -
He’s always been a coward with Jung Hoseok.
He stays quiet, and Hoseok’s eyes finally settle back on his. Taehyung stays silent, and lets Hoseok search for whatever he’s looking for.
“It really is good to see you, Taehyung. You look nice, you’re all grown up now." Hoseok settles with, a little smile on his face as he settles back, relaxing. It sounds truthful, but a little sad, a little wistful.
Taehyung doesn’t get to be wistful: he’s the reason they’re at this point, and he needs to take the blame for that. “You too,” he replies, but he’s not sure if he’s as truthful as Hoseok - Hoseok is certainly grown up, certainly looks nice, but he can’t tell yet if it’s good to see him.
“So tell me, what have you been up to lately?” He sounds genuinely interested, and Taehyung realises that’s because it’s not like this is a catch-up between friends with a couple of weeks, or months, between visits. It’s a whole decade that they’re missing from each other. Lately probably doesn’t extend to that point.
He doesn’t really know where to start, but tries to find the safest point to go from. “I work at an art gallery, as a manager. I also do photography and some paintings on the side.”
Hoseok nods along, his smile growing a little as Taehyung goes. “That’s great, do you enjoy the gallery?”
Taehyung hums, brightening up at the thought of his workplace. “I do, I’ve been working there for a couple of years now. We were understaffed for a couple of months, so only now am I starting to get a proper amount of sleep again.”
Hoseok frowns sympathetically, and his fingers twitch like he wants to move them, but ultimately stay settled on the table. Taehyung speaks up, not wanting all the focus to be on his own life: he knows what Hoseok does, thanks to Jimin and Yoongi’s hints, but he wants to hear it from Hoseok.
“How about you?” He asks, and Hoseok shrugs vaguely.
“Ah, I was working as a back-up dancer for a bit, but recently I’ve been able to choreograph some dances, and a studio currently has me as one of their dance instructors.”
Taehyung does smile comfortably at this, because Hoseok’s always been a dancer, and he’s proud that he’s managed to make a career from it. That he’s doing so well with what he loves. This, at least, is familiar. Hoseok’s love for dance.
“That’s amazing! You’re talking about the same as one as Yoongi’s company, right?”
Hoseok answers as their drinks are set down. Hoseok’s drinking a beer, and Taehyung’s ordered a wine that isn’t too strong. He tries not to drink on first dates, but he figures it’s probably warranted for this.
“Yeah, he’s the one that recommended me to them. How did you cross paths with Yoongi?”
“Through Jungkook, his boyfriend. They started dating a couple of years ago, when Jungkook was a back-up dancer there as well, so I’ve known Yoongi since then.”
Taehyung takes a sip of his wine as Hoseok answers, struggling not to pull a face at the first mouthful. It’s always the worst, especially when there’s nothing to wash it down with, but he knows it’ll get easier from here on out at least.
“Ah yes, I’ve met Jungkook twice, have seen him dance once. He’s terrifyingly good.”
“Jungkook is the last thing from terrifying,” Taehyung says, a fond smile crossing his face. A memory comes to mind, when Jungkook had come excitedly bounding up to him, praising the dancing skills of one of the instructors he worked with for the day.
“Wait, is there any chance you saw him dancing about three, four months ago?” He blurts out, and Hoseok’s eyebrows pull down in thought for a moment, but then he nods. “I’m pretty sure Jungkook was singing your praises for an entire week.”
Hoseok laughs, a proper, warm laugh, and so many memories hit Taehyung at once that he almost wants to go into the bathroom, maybe call Jimin to get him out of here.
But doing that would mean he’d have to explain to Jimin about Hoseok, about how he’s a coward, and instead he just takes another sip of his wine.
“Okay, so how did you meet Jungkook then?” Hoseok asks, taking his own sip, and Taehyung pauses for a moment.
“In high school.” It’s dangerous, talking about the past, being so close to the point they’re both swimming around. “He was a couple of years below, but he was friends with Jimin.”
Dangerous, dangerous.
“It’s good that you’re still friends with them,” Hoseok offers, and Taehyung is relieved he doesn’t say anything else.
Doesn’t mention what had happened when Hoseok moved to high school, that Hoseok wasn’t there for Taehyung’s high school years. Doesn’t mention that after three years, Hoseok had sent a message to Taehyung to congratulate him on graduating high school, and Taehyung had never replied.
“Yeah, they’re annoying, but they’re good to have around,” Taehyung jokes, and Hoseok gracefully gives him a little laugh before his next question.
“I assume you know Namjoon and Seokjin through Jimin, then?” At Taehyung’s nod, Hoseok gives a little whistle. “I met them in high school. Seems like we were going to meet at some point, I’m surprised it wasn’t sooner.”
“Not for a lack of Jimin trying,” Taehyung says, without really meaning to, and hurries to explain himself. “I mean, I was just being difficult, because I’ve been a bit busy lately so I haven’t really dated and-”
He cuts himself off, mortified at what he’s said. Like Hoseok cares about his sad dating life, like he’s even considering they’re still on a date right now.
“Don’t worry, I blew off Yoongi so many times that I think he almost used Jungkook to just manhandle me to come.”
“He’s done it before,” Taehyung confirms, feeling a little more at ease with Hoseok’s reassurance. “Except usually Jungkook just does it of his own free will.”
The conversations lulls for a moment, after they share a laugh, and they’re both sipping at their drinks. There’s a lot to talk about, but Taehyung sure as hell doesn’t want to talk about most of it.
Hoseok doesn’t share that same regard. He probably won’t approach what happened, not tonight, but he does approach another topic.
“So, when did you start liking men?” Hoseok’s voice is quieter, a delicate topic with a delicate approach.
With it, he finally realises that Hoseok is also on this date, that he’d been prepared to go on a date with a man - that Hoseok likes men too. It’s a belated realisation, but panicking about the general presence of Hoseok hasn’t let him think about the implications of Hoseok dating men. Liking men.
He hadn’t ever let himself think Hoseok would, just assumed Hoseok didn’t even like men, so what hope would Taehyung ever have? But now Hoseok’s here, in front of him, ready to go on a date with a man.
But there’s no chance Hoseok would ever like him, so it’s just as hopeless as ever anyway.
Taehyung knows he has to answer, but saying something like ‘I’ve really only ever loved one’ is just dangerous and stupid, so he settles by saying “I like both, all, anyone”, avoiding the question entirely.
Hoseok nods thoughtfully, lips pouting out a little as he rests his chin in his hand. He seems like he’s lost in his thoughts, considering something, and Taehyung lets him be. The food is placed down in front of them, thankfully, and Hoseok starts to focus on his meal.
Taehyung doesn’t want to ask - he doesn’t want to know when Hoseok started liking, because if he thinks about it too long he might really just call Jimin.
They start to divert the topic back onto their friends, sharing strange stories about them, and the air between them gets easier to laugh in, easier to joke in. It’s not smooth, but it seems like there’s a mutual understanding that the past has happened, and tonight isn’t the night to address it, so they try and make conversation as best as they can around that.
It’s a little hard when there’s still a massive elephant lurking about in the room, but it’s not unbearable. But Hoseok doesn’t ask, and Taehyung doesn’t tell, so they settle with it. There’s silences as they eat their food, and neither of them get dessert, but it’s -
It’s better than Taehyung probably could have ever expected.
Although neither of them order more, they still linger a little, and Hoseok takes a bit more time to finish his drink. Taehyung does too, so it’s okay. He offers to pay, but Hoseok quickly shuts him down, paying for both of their meals.
And that’s, well, probably a lot nicer than Taehyung deserves, but turns out it’s still hard to persuade Hoseok away from doing something once he’s intent on it.
The goodbye is kind of strange. Taehyung has to take one bus, Hoseok another, and they manage a little bit of conversation while waiting at Hoseok’s bus stop, as his arrives first.
“Are you okay to get back on your own? How far is it?” Hoseok asks, looking down the street. The streets are quite lively, being a Friday night, and there’s plenty of people on the bus at this time.
“It’s not far, I’m okay,” Taehyung reassures, something warm in his chest about Hoseok’s concern. He asks the same, and Hoseok gives a similar answer, and they part ways as the bus pulls up.
“I’ll probably see you again soon,” Hoseok says, and Taehyung gives a little smile at that despite the nerves. Taehyung waves him goodbye, watching as he sits down on the bus, and then walks to his own bus stop.
It’s weird. They didn’t exchange numbers, and it wasn’t really a date, but they’re still going to see each other again. Their friends are just too close, slowly merging into a big group, and it’s unavoidable.
He probably should have asked Hoseok if he planned on mentioning their past to the others. Should see where they stand, how they’ll impact the dynamics of the group, and the uncertainty of it makes him uneasy.
He checks his phone for the first time since he started talking to Hosoek, and while Jimin’s updates are nice, he finds that he’s tired, in the rare mood not to entertain his best friends. He needs to sort out what happened tonight, preferably without Jimin and Jungkook asking him about it. There’s too many old memories, old emotions, stirring beneath the surface, and the cracks over the night are starting to wear him down.
Group: Jimin’s Brats
Taehyung
8:19pm
Heading home.
The tone of his message certainly gets the mood of the night across, and he’s thankful that they catch on quickly. They don’t ask him about it, because they all know Taehyung will say only what he wants to once he arrives back, so instead of asking they just send a mass amount of cute, cuddly stickers.
It's not far, only one half an hour bus ride, traffic busy as the night picks up. He isn't really focusing on what he's doing, body going into autopilot as he makes his way to his apartment.
His head's a bit of a mess - he's trying not to overthink, to stop the loop going on in his head, of all the awkward pauses, the moments where they were both kind of floundering on what to say. Both of them walking on an icy surface, trying not to slip.
Taehyung opens his door, and Jimin and Jungkook are both looking at him from over the couch. He gives them a small smile, and they both wait patiently as Taehyung slides off his shoes. Jimin doesn’t even scowl at him for not putting them away neatly, so he prepares himself for the coddling.
Jungkook fiddles with the remote, switching it over to a Studio Ghibli film before Taehyung sits down - and they’ve only left a space between them, of course. Jimin asks if he’s hungry, and Taehyung shakes his head, though Jungkook still puts the open packet of sweet snacks into his lap.
They don’t push him, but Jimin puts a hand on the back of his neck and is massaging lightly, and Jungkook has his head resting on Taehyung’s shoulder. None of them are really focusing on the movie, but neither of them will approach the topic until Taehyung is ready to.
The movie comes to an end, and Taehyung slowly moves to get up. Jungkook’s been texting for the last few minutes, probably to Yoongi, and Taehyung passes him the snacks that have remained untouched on his lap.
“I’m going to go wash up, you guys can stay up and watch things if you want,” he offers, because they all know they’re staying over for the night. It’s a bit of a squish on the bed, but they’re well used to it now.
He heads into the bathroom, trying to wash up as quickly as possible so that he can get into bed. His thoughts have been playing around in his head for too long, and he just wants to get to sleep so that he can try and move on quickly past tonight.
He knows he should have expected Jimin to already be on the bed, waiting for him, but it’s still a bit of a surprise. Jimin’s got his phone resting on the bedside table, his full attention at Taehyung.
“Kookie’s talking to Yoongi,” Jimin explains, “Not about… They’re just working out when to meet up tomorrow.”
Taehyung figures Yoongi is going to find out regardless, considering all their mutual friends. Again, he starts to wonder how much Hoseok will tell, what he’ll say to the others.
It’s too tiring to think about that, too overwhelming. There’s no way the words, the explanations, can make their way past his lips tonight.
Jimin lays back on his bed, opening up his arms for Taehyung to slide neatly into them. It’s quiet, just the low sound of the television and Jungkook talking to Yoongi, Jimin’s quiet breathing as he hugs Taehyung.
“I messed up, Jiminie,” he whispers, finally admitting it. It’s not just the truth of tonight, but of everything that’s happened with Hoseok. That’s what it’s come down to, after everything.
Taehyung messed it all up, and he still doesn’t know how to fix it. He probably won’t ever be able to.
Jimin’s shushes him gently, stroking his hair. “I’m sure you didn’t, TaeTae.”
Taehyung can’t explain it all, but he’s pretty damn sure he did. He just buries himself a little closer to Jimin.
How is he meant to explain the fact that he was best friends with Hoseok, before primary school, all the way through middle school? That Taehyung started to realise that he loved Hoseok, more than he thought was ever allowed or accepted back then?
That he thought his best chance of dealing with it all, of all the hurt and the guilt, was to stop talking to Hoseok when the other moved to high school. That he avoided Hoseok in the hallways, turned off his phone when Hoseok called or texted, until Hoseok finally stopped trying.
The worst thing to think about is that Hoseok would have forgiven him, if Taehyung had reached out in the end, at Hoseok’s final message. He could’ve explained, and Hoseok would’ve said “I understand, I’m sorry, I just don’t feel that way”, forgiven him, and then contact would’ve fallen apart anyway. Because Taehyung was destined to ruin their friendship the moment he realised he loved Hoseok.
It’s better that Hoseok never knows, and he can think what he wants of Taehyung - but at least he doesn’t know the truth, that he can’t hurt Taehyung that way, even if he’d never try to.
“Sorry, Jimin,” Taehyung breathes out. “He’s a great guy,” of that, Taehyung still has no doubts, “but I just don’t think it’ll work out. Thanks for trying.”
There’s no doubt that it won’t work out, either. It never could’ve, never would’ve, even if Taehyung’s traitorous voice tries to tell him it’s different now, that Hoseok seems to like men as well, that maybe -
The what if’s have always haunted him. But there’s no chance now, not after ten years, not without the explanation that Taehyung refuses to give.
“Don’t apologise,” Jimin scolds, tugging his hair sharply, making his face tilt up to meet his eyes. “Do not. You have nothing to apologise for, okay? I do, if anyone, so hush.”
“You don’t either, then,” Taehyung tells him, and Jimin frowns and shakes his head, but won’t push it if that’s the way to get Taehyung to not apologise again.
Taehyung gets out his phone, starting to play some videos as the two of them lay on the bed. Jimin’s had a big week, Taehyung knows, and it doesn’t take long for him to drift off. He’ll be mad that he fell asleep first, but Taehyung needs a couple of moments to himself.
Once he’s certain Jimin is asleep, and Jungkook is still talking to Yoongi, he starts to go through some old folders on his phone. He’s upgraded a few times, but he’s still got all of his old screenshots, all of his old messages.
It takes a lot of scrolling, but he manages to find the final messages he screenshotted from Hoseok, and he takes a moment. He screenshotted them when Hoseok had sent his final congratulations message, and then deleted Hoseok’s contact and messages. He hasn’t looked at this in such a long time - but, but all those old feelings have already been opened up tonight, and he figures it can’t really hurt any more than it already does.
Hoseokie hyung 💜✨
4 years ago.
Hey, you weren’t at our usual meet up place today, is everything okay?
Your mum says you went to school today
Taeeeee, you gotta tell me how you survived today without me!!
--
4 years ago.
If I’ve upset you, can you let me know what I’ve done?
Or if something’s troubling you, you can talk to me, you know that right?
Of course you do
Stop ignoring me :/
--
4 years ago.
Seriously, what’s going on?
Tae, please.
--
3 years ago.
I hope high school isn’t too hard.
I miss you, I’ll wait today at our usual place.
--
3 years ago.
You don’t need to explain, or apologise, but I’d like to see how you are.
I saw you today, with two other kids, I hope you’re having a good time.
I mean that, genuinely.
--
Hoseok.
1 year ago.
Good luck on your exams, Tae.
Unknown Number.
11:15pm.
Congratulations on graduating high school today, Taehyung. You’ll be great at whatever you choose.
[This number isn’t in your contact list, would you like to add them?]
He thought he faced the worst of his hurt tonight, when Hoseok had sat across from him, but seeing the old screenshots twists something inside his chest. When he screenshotted those, he thought the four years was long enough initially, but turns out time didn’t heal anything, because it still hurts just as much with an added six years on top.
The fact that Hoseok was still polite enough, friendly, despite Taehyung cutting contact so coldly, with no reason, means he’s just a greater person than Taehyung could ever hope to be. He’s just as much of a coward now than he was ten years ago.
Tears start to well up, and he does his best to stop them, dropping his phone beside him and trying to scrub his eyes. It doesn’t do much, there’s not a lot he can do when the pain has clawed its way up past his chest, into his throat, and is choking him up.
He quietens his sobs into the bed beneath him, careful not to get tears on Jimin’s shirt, to not wake him or alert Jungkook of his emotions.
It’s hard to get to sleep, to quieten his mind enough, but the tears have tired him out, and he’s exhausted from all the emotions he’s had to face today. God, he really thought he was over Hoseok, thought ten goddamn years would be enough.
He’s drifting off by the time Jungkook slides into the bed, picking up Taehyung’s phone, and Taehyung can hear him fiddling around to put it on charge. He then does his best to quietly wrap himself around Taehyung, without disturbing either of them.
Tonight has been a lot, but he is glad for his friends right now, and falls asleep quickly between both of them.
Taehyung’s glad he doesn’t have anything to do today, because he can sleep in for longer than usual. He wakes up twice, when Jimin moves to get up, stroking back Taehyung’s hair and saying he has to head out, but he can come back later if Taehyung wants.
Taehyung hums, neither declining or accepting, and Jimin leaves quietly. Jungkook stays around a little longer, but moves out of bed about an hour later, waking Taehyung again.
When he does finally get up a few hours later, he wanders out of his bedroom to see Jungkook lingering around the kitchen, making ramen.
“Hi hyung, want some?” He offers, and Taehyung does his best to shake off the drowsiness of sleeping just a little too long.
“Of my own ramen, you mean?” He asks, but it’s only teasing. He doesn’t mind Jungkook helping himself as it means he’s comfortable enough to.
“Hey, you ran out of your own ramen last night. I picked up some more while you were sleeping,” Jungkook replies, a grin on his face. Taehyung has a feeling Jungkook picked up some more things for him while he was there, to try and cheer Taehyung up. “Anyway, was that a yes?”
“Yeah, thanks,” he says, then heads to the bathroom for his morning wash up, despite the fact it’s more like midday, and it’ll probably throw off his skincare.
When he comes out, Jungkook’s sitting at the table with two bowls in front of him, and Taehyung takes a seat.
“Jimin’s blowing up your phone,” Jungkook says, gesturing to Taehyung’s phone laying on the table.
“He probably feels guilty,” Taehyung sighs. “It’s not his fault, Hoseok was great, it’s totally on me. Jimin shouldn’t feel bad about that.”
Jungkook frowns at him. “I mean, we did kind of guilt you into it, didn’t we?”
“Don’t you start on me,” Taehyung warns. He’s got enough of his own guilt about this, and he’d rather no one else feels bad about the situation that he’s ultimately made a mess of.
“We just thought you two would get along well,” Jungkook explains, stirring his ramen around. “But we probably shouldn’t have pushed you into it.”
“I wouldn’t have let myself be pushed unless I thought you guys were right,” Taehyung counters, “And you guys were right, by the way. I’m sure we would’ve gotten along well.”
“Would’ve?” Jungkook is still frowning, and Taehyung is thankfully interrupted from making up a reply by his phone vibrating on the table with another message.
Jungkook was right - Jimin’s been sending him a constant stream of messages for the past couple of minutes.
He warily opens up his phone, scrolling back up to the start of his spree.
Soulmate Jiminie.
1:05pm
Kook says you’re still asleep, make sure you eat something when you wake up!
I can come by around 3pm if you want, I’ll bring dinner for later
1:25pm
Hoseok apparently told Jin you two have met before?
When did you meet him?
Why didn’t you tell me :(
Wait why do you think you messed it up with him?
Did you guys not get along before?
You seemed really upset about it, I’m just not sure what’s going on here :(
“Oops,” is all Taehyung says aloud to that. It doesn’t sound like Hoseok’s told Seokjin about the extent of their history, or Seokjin just hasn’t relayed it to Jimin. Jungkook shoots him an inquisitive look, and Taehyung just puts his phone down and stretches his arms.
“Jimin’s going to come around 3, you should probably stay so I can explain this in one go,” Taehyung tells him, and Jungkook nods and goes back to eating his ramen. Taehyung sends Jimin a quick text, saying he’ll see him when he gets here.
They’ve both migrated onto the couch by the time Jimin knocks on the door, playing against each other on his console. Taehyung is quick to pause it, and does his best to wrestle Jungkook’s controller away from him so that he doesn’t mess with the menu, but isn’t able to succeed.
Taehyung opens the door as quickly as he can, sprinting back to the couch. Jimin walks up behind them, leaning across the back of the couch, as they finish up the round.
Jungkook wins - but by less than usual, which either means he’s being nice, or Taehyung is getting at least a little bit better. Taehyung hovers above the controls as the menu appears, and then he sighs and puts it down entirely.
Jimin goes around to the other side of the couch, settling on the floor, and Taehyung turns to face both of them.
“Okay, uh, so Jimin already knows,” he starts, addressing Jungkook, “but last night wasn’t the first time I met Hoseok.”
Jungkook’s eyes go wide, taken by surprise. Jimin pipes up to defend himself before Jungkook starts to question him, “Hoseok called Jin and explained this morning, and Jin only told me later in the day.”
“Hoseok and I were childhood friends.” Understatement, right there, because they were attached at the hip for many, many years. “I knew him when we started school.”
He can tell that they’re both trying to think back to high school, to try and remember if they ever saw Hoseok together with Taehyung.
“When he started high school, we sort of just stopped talking, grew apart naturally,” and that’s yet another lie he’s adding on. But it’s more truthful than he planned to be today, so that’s something, probably.
“Yikes, Jimin-hyung.” Jungkook turns to Jimin at this, pulling a face at him. “You picked the most awkward blind-date candidate ever for Taehyung.”
Jimin’s quick to whack Jungkook on the arm. “Hey! I didn’t know! Taehyung never mentioned being friends with him!”
“By the time I met you guys, we weren’t talking at all,” Taehyung explains, trying to push away the memories of the texts that Hoseok had tried to contact him with. “So, there wasn’t ever a reason to bring him up.”
Jungkook and Jimin ask him a few more questions, some about what Hoseok was like as a child (bright, funny, joyous, the biggest ray of sunshine Taehyung’s ever seen), and what it was like at the date (strange, awkward, but better than Taehyung could’ve expected). They don’t push when Taehyung gets a little closed-off, when he diverts the answer away from the question, and they seem content with all the new information at least.
When they’re eating dinner, that Jimin brought over like he said he would, Taehyung decides to address one more thing.
“Let’s not make it awkward, okay? Hoseok and I will do our best so that there’s nothing weird between us, so don’t worry about hanging out with either of us.”
Jimin and Jungkook wave it away immediately, promising that wasn’t a concern anyway, and Taehyung just hopes that this whole thing will be moved on from quickly.
He’s slightly distracted from the whole situation by the gallery, where he’s had to work a bit of overtime again. He’s okay with that, because right now it’s still kind of a bit weird amongst his close friends, and work is an easy excuse to avoid catch-ups.
They’re doing their best, but Taehyung knows that it’s on the top of everyone’s minds right now, and he’s thinking about it enough on his own. He was able to push down and ignore his feelings for so long, but now it’s like he’s unable to go even an hour without thinking about Hoseok.
He sighs, head hitting the desk and upsetting the paperwork underneath his forehead. He just needs to finish this up, and then he can lock up and have his weekend free, but his thoughts have taken a whirl.
Checking his phone, he has a couple of messages, but the one that catches his attention is Yoongi. The other doesn’t really text him directly, usually messages him things through Jungkook, so it’s a surprise.
Yoongi Hyung 🐱
9:32pm.
Want to get lunch tomorrow? Hyung will buy.
Jungkook’s probably told him about the situation then. Yoongi’s good, though, with these kinds of things - he knows when Taehyung wants to talk, and when he doesn’t, and it makes for an easier conversation.
So he doesn’t feel too apprehensive of accepting the offer, and Taehyung is distracted from his paperwork by organising when and where to meet. He’s able to finish up quickly from there, getting to his apartment before it’s too late, and falls into an easier sleep than he has this whole week.
Yoongi’s already there when Taehyung turns up, and there’s already a drink of Coke on the table for him.
“Thanks, hyung,” he grins, and Yoongi waves him off. “Gosh, such a cool guy,” he teases, and Yoongi rolls his eyes at that, but the tips of his ears are a little red.
They both order, and Yoongi’s looking at him carefully as Taehyung plays with the straw of his drink. “You’re not doing too much overtime, are you?”
Taehyung exaggerates a gasp, clutching a hand to his chest. “I don’t look that bad, do I?”
Yoongi looks like he’s about to throw a napkin at Taehyung, but refrains as Taehyung laughs, leaning back and ready to fend off any objects thrown. “No, hyung,” he reassures once Yoongi’s fingers have stopped looking for some ammunition. “Last night was my only overtime this week.”
“They’ve finally hired someone else?” Yoongi asks, to which Taehyung nods. “Good, about time.”
It’s small talk, from there, as Taehyung asks Yoongi about his latest work, and Taehyung talks about the gallery and some of his side projects, until the food comes out. There’s been a pause in the conversation, both of them naturally lapsing into silence as they start eating.
“Jungkook thinks you’re annoyed with him,” Yoongi suddenly says. His tone is carefully blank, void of any kind of emotion, just stating a fact that he has no opinion of.
Taehyung is quick to put down his chopsticks, shaking his head. “I’m not,” he reassures, frowning. “I’m not annoyed with him, I promise.”
Yoongi shrugs. Silence, they both know, is disarming of Taehyung - and even knowing it, it’s still just as effective.
“I’m really not,” Taehyung sighs, now fiddling with his chopsticks. “I don’t know, I was worried he feels bad for me. I haven’t really talked to anyone this week, I just want this whole -” he waves his hand around in the air, emphasising, “-thing to be past this awkward point already.”
“Jungkook just wanted to play a round or two with you,” Yoongi says. “That sounds normal to me. What’s not normal is you avoiding talking to him, and Jimin, and that’s what’s now making it awkward.”
Taehyung is careful not to give Yoongi a smart remark back, but it’s a near thing. Yoongi’s not on anyone’s side here, he’s just stating the facts of the situation, and Taehyung knows it. He contemplates what he wants to say instead - and he could shut it down easily, could stop this conversation, apologise and move on.
Instead, he picks up his chopsticks properly, and gives himself a couple of mouthfuls of food to think.
“Before I met Jimin and Jungkook,” he starts, and Yoongi’s gone back to looking like he’s focusing on his food, but Taehyung knows he holds his full attention. “I had a best friend, all the way from before I started school, until my last year of middle school.”
The next bit is the hardest - the first time he’s ever telling someone else, and the words aren’t forming properly in his mind, much less his mouth. Yoongi’s patient, though, waiting as Taehyung works it out.
“I uh, I liked him a lot. Well, I loved him. And at that point, I didn’t know it was okay to feel like that, and I knew he’d never like me back, so I thought it would be easier to just … cut them out? I’m still not sure if I was right.”
Yoongi hums, processing the words. “The easiest thing is rarely the right thing, Tae. But I think maybe for you at that time, it could have been what you needed to do.”
“I don’t know,” Taehyung laughs bitterly, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t think it was easier, in the end. Ten years later, despite everything I did to cut them out of my life, that person sat across from me for a blind date.”
Honestly, Taehyung takes it as an accomplishment that he’s managed to surprise Yoongi. The other probably started to clue in, but Yoongi probably didn't expect Taehyung to be so direct.
"So," Taehyung huffs, "I think I have a good reason for making things awkward."
Yoongi's thinking it over, and Taehyung lets him be as he eats his own meal. His heart is pounding just a little, chest feeling tight with his admission - but there's a sense of relief, underneath it all, to finally admit his old secret to someone.
"Do you still love him?" Yoongi asks, and Taehyung looks away, because he doesn't want Yoongi to see something he doesn't want to reveal.
"It's been ten years, hyung," is Taehyung's response to that. Yoongi seems to sense any more prodding about that will result in Taehyung closing off, so he doesn't. But they both know the meaning of Taehyung's lack of denial.
"And Jungkook and Jimin don't know." Back to facts.
"Just that we were friends," Taehyung confirms. Yoongi won't tell them, either, which is probably why Taehyung's spilled it all to him.
“Are you going to tell them?” Yoongi asks, and he doesn’t sound partial to either way, but Taehyung knows he’s probably got a path he’d prefer.
Taehyung shakes his head. “They’d feel guilty. It’s fine, this has been a secret for ten years anyway, it’s not a big deal.”
“So no one knows besides me?” Yoongi frowns, meaning he’s definitely thinking Taehyung has made a dumb decision on that front. Taehyung makes a waving off motion with his hand, because he’s getting tired of this conversation now.
It’s been ten years. It has to be fine, because Taehyung made this choice, and this is just the consequence of it. Taehyung and Hoseok will move past this awkward phase, and it’ll be fine.
Taehyung’s still hasn’t ‘moved past’ anything though. Hasn’t moved on from Hoseok. But it’s fine, and he doesn’t want to start causing concern amongst his friends.
Taehyung’s focusing on eating, so he misses the way Yoongi’s head snaps up, eyes tracking someone that’s just walked in.
“Shit, Tae,” Yoongi warns, and Taehyung looks up to see a slightly surprised, slightly worried Yoongi, which he doesn’t see often. He turns to see what Yoongi’s looking at, and then freezes.
Jungkook’s just walked in, looking equally as surprised - and he probably shouldn’t be, as they usually come to this restaurant and sometimes meet up without planning it. But Jung Hoseok is right behind Jungkook, and they meet eyes at the same time.
Taehyung is the first to look away, looking back to Jungkook and taking a deep breath. Yoongi knows everything, Jungkook knows something, and Hoseok knows nothing. All in all, it makes for a very awkward greeting.
“Tae, do you want to-” Yoongi starts, quick to offer an escape. And Taehyung, a fool, does not take it.
Because this whole thing is strange, and awkward, and Taehyung hates it. He knew he’d have to see Hoseok again, after all, even though he certainly didn’t expect it to be so soon. But he needs to start trying to build a bridge, even just so it’s a little steader for everyone, and he forces a smile on his face, waving the pair over.
Jungkook hesitates and turns around to Hoseok, who just shrugs his shoulders, apparently indifferent to the decision. Jungkook approaches slowly, casting Taehyung a concerned glance, but greets him and gives Yoongi a kiss on the cheek.
Hoseok waves, gives a warm smile to Yoongi, and a polite, smaller one to Taehyung. He probably deserves less than that, but Hoseok’s always been too nice.
He can tell Hoseok’s still thinking about what to make of the other night, what to make of Taehyung now, and that’ll take time. It’s just unfortunate that they’ve both been thrown into the deep end, unable to sort out their thoughts.
Yoongi glances at Taehyung, then directs his attention to the other two that have tentatively sat at the table. “What did you two get up to?” He asks, and Taehyung’s thankful that Yoongi’s taken lead of the conversation.
Jungkook’s looking at Taehyung a little weirdly, and it’s then that Taehyung remembers Jungkook thinks he’s avoiding him. He does his best to give a reassuring smile, trying to convey that he’s really not purposely avoiding him - not for any reasons that are his fault. It’s just… a lot, and Taehyung doesn’t like dragging other people into his problems.
Hoseok seems to figure that Jungkook’s a little caught up awkwardly staring at Taehyung, so he steps in to answer. Jungkook, after a moment, gives a proper smile back, and Taehyung feels his shoulders relax. They both start to focus on Hoseok’s words, recounting the choreography they’re going over.
“This kid’s so talented,” Hoseok playfully teases at the end, rubbing Jungkook’s head. “Picked it up faster than anyone, I think he’s about to replace me as a teacher.”
“Ah, hyung,” Jungkook whines a little, embarrassed at the attention. He shoves at Hoseok’s hands, shaking his hair out from where Hoseok’s messed it up a little.
And Taehyung can see it, how easily Hoseok fits into the group. He adores Jungkook, is comfortable with Yoongi, and Jimin speaks highly of him. He doesn’t doubt it’s a similar story for Namjoon and Seokjin.
They all love Hoseok - and Taehyung does too. Nineteen years ago, ten years ago, now. The difference is just that Hoseok loves them back, and maybe one day he’ll love Taehyung again.
But he won’t be in love with Taehyung, and that’s the whole problem, isn’t it? Taehyung didn’t - doesn’t - know how to deal with his emotions alone, and that’s what ruined it all in the first place.
Jungkook and Yoongi are talking, and Taehyung tries to focus back into the conversation. He accidentally glances towards Hoseok, and finds the other already looking at him.
This time, Hoseok looks away first.
So Taehyung takes the chance to look, properly. Hoseok was guarded on their ‘date’, face less expressive than he’s ever seen it. He’s more open now, in front of Jungkook and Yoongi, his smile as wide and joyous as he remembered it.
That - there’s something about that, about seeing Hoseok’s smile, that just sends him into a spiral. His chest feels tight, like his lungs are suddenly not getting as much air as they need, and it’s all just a little too much, too much, too -
“Tae,” Yoongi whispers, and he feels a hand clasp around his own under the table. Taehyung snaps out of it, just a little, but not quite enough.
“Ah, I’m sorry to do this, but we’ve got tickets for a movie, and we probably shouldn’t miss it,” Yoongi says, now addressing the two others. He gives Taehyung’s hand a squeeze before letting go to stand up, and Taehyung is just staring down at the table in embarrassment.
Yoongi comes around to his side of the table, taking Taehyung’s arm and forcibly pulling him up. Taehyung’s pretty much recovered by now, and there’s really no need, but Yoongi is quick to get them out of there after paying for both their meals.
Taehyung’s able to wave back at them, and catches Hoseok’s furrowed brows, his worried downturn at the corner of his lips before they walk out the door and leave the other two to get their meals.
“Let’s walk,” Yoongi instructs, hand still on Taehyung’s arm. The fresh air is nice, and he takes a deep breath in.
They walk in silence for a while, until taking a seat at a public bench.
“Ten years huh,” Yoongi comments, and Taehyung lets his head fall back on the bench, staring up at the sky.
“His smile,” Taehyung sighs.
Yoongi hums in agreement, leans over to pat the top of his head. “Come on, let’s get your favourite ice-cream. Hyung’s treat.”
Taehyung doesn’t like involving other people in his problems.
That, unfortunately, doesn’t stop Jimin and Seokjin from literally dragging him outside his apartment after he’s carefully declined every request to hang out.
It’s not that he’s avoiding them, really. Just… avoiding another situation that could happen again.
"I thought you said we wouldn't have to worry about hanging out with you." Jimin is frowning, not in a mean way - it's in a pitying way, and Taehyung just punctures the straw through his drink and takes a careful sip.
He knew how this would go, so he made them sit down and talk about it at a convenience store, where Taehyung can avoid replying by sipping at his drink.
He's feeling a little on edge, making him snappy. His thoughts haven't been kind to him the past couple days, and he's probably running on way too little sleep. So his response is a little sharp, a little mean, when he says "well, I meant it in this way. As in, don't worry about hanging out with me, I'm doing okay on my own."
"I understand, Taehyung," Seokjin says calmly, his own drink untouched in front of him. "This is a difficult situation, and we probably shouldn't have sprung the date on you, especially when we're all friends with both of you."
Taehyung nods to that, and Jimin doesn't seem to take too much offence to his plan being criticised, which means he’s feeling guilty about it still.
"And I'm sorry that it's made you feel uncomfortable hanging out with us," Jimin apologises, and while Taehyung goes to shake his head and deny, Jimin places a hand on his arm. "Don't deny it, Tae."
He takes another sip instead.
"I just didn't want to get caught by surprise again," he admits, and they both make sympathetic sounds. "I had to sort it out alone for a bit."
"Right, of course, that was probably sprung on you way too soon, right? I know Hoseok wasn't prepared for that, and neither were you." Jimin is always quick to empathise, his tone worrying. He's sent the most texts out of everyone, and while Taehyung replies to a couple, he's barely keeping up, and he knows Jimin worries.
"However, we can't change that," Seokjin states, and Taehyung nods to that. "We're friends with both of you, and we also can't change that. We want to make sure you're okay, but you're avoiding us, and we need to fix that."
"It wasn't that long," Taehyung pouts. It's been a week and a couple of days since lunch with Yoongi, so it really hasn't been, and it's not like he's gone totally radio silent. He's just quiet, will only reply to important messages (and Jungkook, because he feels bad enough about blowing him off for so long).
Seokjin flicks him on the forehead. "And it won't be any longer."
"Well, I'm hanging out with you now, aren't I?"
Seokjin's eyebrows raise, and he lets out an indignant "yah!", head swivelling dramatically. "Don't get bratty, Kim Taehyung!"
Jimin snickers, which sets Taehyung off into little laughs, and then Seokjin is quick to follow. There's no reason to, it's not nearly funny enough, but it is nice to be in their company again, and so Taehyung lets himself revel in it.
The laughs die down, and Jimin is quick to lead the conversation.
"We figure it's probably too awkward for you to go up and talk, isn't it? You said you'd do your best with Hoseok, so that it wasn't awkward, but you'll just avoid him," Jimin points out, pointing directly at him.
He's certainly not wrong - it's all Taehyung's done for ten years, and at this rate, he doesn't know any better.
"So, how about the seven of us? We should make a monthly schedule, or something, so that we can hang out."
And that - well, that's the reason he's avoided hanging out with any of them. He had run out on Hoseok last time, and while he really was trying not to make it awkward, there's no way he's coming back from that without some repercussions.
"There's five of us to buffer you two," Seokjinin explains, probably knowing Taehyung's freaking out. "It means you can start getting comfortable in the same space, and around each other, but you don't even have to interact."
"You're all dating," Taehyung pouts. "You guys will hang out with each other, and then Hoseok and I will be stuck alone."
Jimin is now the one to flick him on the head, and Taehyung lets out a pitiful whine because his forehead doesn't deserve this mistreatment.
"Since when do we ever leave you out of things, Tae? You know we won't do that."
Also not wrong, and Taehyung knows it, so he just takes another sip of his drink as he pouts.
"Have you talked to Hoseok about this?" Taehyung dares to ask, because he knows he's the one with the issue here, but Hoseok is no doubt feeling the strain of their relationship - and Taehyung wouldn't blame Hoseok for not wanting to be in the same space as him.
“He’s fine with it,” Seokjin replies, and Taehyung sighs heavily. Of course he is, because Hoseok would be willing to do anything for his friends, even suffer through Taehyung’s general presence.
“You’ve met him twice now, under the worst circumstances of surprise, so at least this time you’ll be prepared. And I promise, if you don’t want to interact, we’ll make sure you don’t, and we’ll still have a great night, okay?”
The worst circumstance has not yet happened, because that’s something that’s fuelled Taehyung’s nightmares for years. The meetings certainly didn’t hit that level of awful, but - maybe he can do this. He’ll be prepared, he can get used to being around Hoseok again.
He’s cut Hoseok out once before, and it took so much of Taehyung’s willpower to try and forcefully close the hole in his heart left by Hoseok.
And Hoseok’s just coming right back and tearing that hole open, making ten years of distance almost useless, and Taehyung doesn’t know if he’ll be able to fill that hole back in again. He doesn’t think he can, even if he wants to.
“Okay,” Taehyung finally agrees. Because they’re right - Hoseok’s part of their friendship group, now one combining, and he’s already gotten everyone involved in this problem by avoiding it. He needs to get used to it, needs to get used to Hoseok being around again, his heart be damned.
Despite knowing about it before Jimin even posted in the newly-formed groupchat, Taehyung’s really not ready for tonight.
It’s going to be casual, Seokjin had reassured, just getting chicken and beer together for dinner. Everyone kind of knows each other mutually, but this is the first time they’ll all be together, and while Taehyung is kind of excited for it, he’s also kind of terrified.
Hoseok won’t corner him tonight about their past, because it seems like it’s in both of their best interests to keep it smooth among their friends for the night. However, it seems like Taehyung’s on a countdown, and there’s going to be nothing he can do except watch the explosion happen in front of him.
“You’re freaking out,” Jungkook states, which is unhelpful in all regards, because he knows. He’s currently standing in front of his closet, with half of his clothes thrown around his bedroom, and he’s two seconds away from a meltdown because he can’t decide what to wear.
“Shut up,” is all Taehyung says back, banging his head on his wall. But gently, because he’s got on a bit of makeup, and he’d rather not leave a mark. “Are you here just to point out the obvious?”
“I’m here because I think you might have excused yourself otherwise, so I’m making sure you’re going.”
Taehyung pouts, staring at the mess around him. “Not if I can’t find any goddamn shirts.”
Jungkook sighs, pushing himself up from Taehyung’s bed. “Okay, I’m going to remind you it’s casual. I’m wearing a hoodie, you can relax a little.”
Taehyung’s not in a hoodie mood - he wants to look okay, like he didn’t just wake up from a deep slumber. Jungkook can pull it off, but Taehyung doesn’t think he can right now, and he’s already got on some makeup, so he’s committed to a higher standard than sleepwear.
He knows he’s not doing well, though, when Jungkook starts to put together an outfit for him. “Casual and comfy, right? So, this,” he throws a white shirt at Taehyung, and Taehyung goes to refute it because that’s too plain, but Jungkook gestures to it again, certain of his choice.
“You can tuck it in to those black pants you really like at the moment. So it’s a little nicer, right? And then a nice sweater over the top, and you’re good to go.”
It’s not a bad outfit - it’s comfortable, he usually goes for it, and he lets out a heavy sigh. Half his wardrobe thrown around for such a simple outfit. It does work, though, his light green jumper over the top, and if he needs to take it off then he still looks okay.
“Thanks,” he says, once he’s dressed. He’s still worried it’s not right for the occasion - what if he’s undressed, or even overdressed? No one will make him feel bad for it, but when it comes down to it, it’s still the unspoken judgement of Hoseok he’s worried about the most.
“Looks good, hyung. Now, can we go before Seokjin skewers us both for being late?”
They’re not that late, but they’re the last two to walk in. “Finally!” Jimin cheers, and gets up to greet them both.
The others stay in their seats, but Taehyung goes around to greet them, giving Hoseok a slight wave and smile. The other looks as breathtaking as he usually seems to be, his hair pushed back and shirt framing him nicely. Taehyung forces himself to look away before it gets weird, and greets the next person.
He’s not as focused on Hoseok as he thought he would be. Seeing all of his friends together is a sight, a really nice one, and they’re quick to draw him into it. He’s seated at one end of their table, with Seokjin at the head of it.
Namjoon’s next to him, Jimin across from him, and he’s immediately swept up into their conversations. It’s been a bit since he’s seen Namjoon, so he’s excited to catch up with him.
Hoseok fits as naturally as Taehyung assumed. There’s still that awkwardness between them, and Taehyung won’t interject into Hoseok’s stories, and vice versa, but Hoseok works over it smoothly.
He’s determined to just ignore what happened last time, how awkwardly he had left with Yoongi, and he steamrolls over any thoughts about it. He forces himself to look in Hoseok’s direction when the other talks, and to smile when appropriate, but he can’t quite look properly at him, or smile wholeheartedly.
The other never minds now, and Taehyung is always proud of how he’s progressed with Namjoon, who used to always be a little uncomfortable with physical affection. But it’s so easy, second-nature to both of them now, for Taehyung to have his arm resting around Namjoon’s shoulder, for Namjoon’s hand to sit on Taehyung’s knee.
He forgets what that easy contact can be interpreted as until he catches Hoseok staring at Taehyung’s hand, which is unconsciously tapping a rhythm into Namjoon’s shoulder. It’s not necessarily a bad stare, but Hoseok’s definitely trying to work out something and he’s not getting the answer he wants.
Taehyung stops the tapping, tries to play it off casually as he settles back into his own space. Namjoon’s talking to Jungkook (who, hilariously, looks flustered under his attention, his admiration for the other shining through), so the other barely notices as Taehyung draws away.
The moment passes, between more drinks and cheers and Namjoon somehow knocking over someone’s glass. He can tell Hoseok’s watching him though, trying to glance at him when Taehyung’s looking in the other direction, and Taehyung does his best not to react.
When Namjoon nearly does it again, they start to call it a night. Yoongi offers him the night to stay, and so does Namjoon, and it would be easier because they live closer, and it guarantees a ride back to his tomorrow, but Taehyung would rather crash in his own space for the night.
Besides, he can tell all the others are relieved at how tonight went, and eager to do it again, and Taehyung needs to sort out a few of his own thoughts by himself.
The offer is also extended to Hoseok, who accepts staying at Namjoon, Seokjin and Jimin’s place because it’s apparently closer. They fret a little bit about Taehyung going home alone, but he waves them off as they all get in rideshares for their own destinations.
The bus ride back is lonely, and Taehyung feels it seep into his bones as he sinks into his seat. He tries to argue himself out of it, because he chose to go home alone, insisted over everyone’s concern, and so he has no right to feel lonely.
He turns up the volume for his earphones, and goes over the night. It really was great to be amongst the group, for all of them to be talking and interacting, and he’s glad they finally met up together. He’ll have teasing fodder for years with the way Jungkook shied from Namjoon’s attention.
Everyone got along really, really well, and it was easy - it’s just Taehyung, and his ten year distance from Hoseok. He doesn’t know what to think of Hoseok’s stares tonight, the way he reacted whenever Taehyung got overly affectionate.
Taehyung used to be affectionate with Hoseok, until he started to back off from it a few months before cutting contact. It was easier that way, to make sure Hoseok wouldn’t be able to feel his rapid heartbeat, the way he sweated under Hoseok’s touch. How he’d melt whenever Hoseok played with his hair, or tapped his own beats across Taehyung’s thighs.
He can tell Hoseok’s still just as affectionate, from the way he interacted with the others around him over the night. It left a kind of melancholic pain in his chest, one that has yet to disappear.
He blames the alcohol for his thoughts, for the way he’s acting, and rests his head on the bus’ window. It calms him down a little, lulls him into content, until he’s startled by his phone pinging with a notification.
Soulmate Jiminie.
10:35pm
Text me when you’re home safe!
You did well tonight, thank you for coming out.
I know we made you, but it was really great to have everyone there
I heard that Hoseok said you looked nice btw
which is an understatement, those pants always make your ass look 10/10
Taehyung sends back a little laughing text, but then locks his phone and waits until he’s home to open it again. It’s easy to be swept up in his melancholic mood, on the quiet bus and the bright night lights, and he continues staring out the window.
He’s knows it’ll get better, this feeling inside. Hoseok will be around more often, and Taehyung will get used to it with forced exposure, and it’ll get better. It has to get better.
It wasn’t so bad, tonight, like Jimin had assured him. He was able to be in the same room as Hoseok and act normally, laugh with his friends. He can do this, he can keep doing this.
Another text is sent to Jimin to let him know he’s home safe, and then quickly crashes into his bed, hoping he’ll be able to convince himself it’s fine by the time he wakes up again.
The second time they meet up as a whole group, it’s at Jimin, Seokjin, and Namjoon’s place. They have the largest amount of space, and it’s easiest to crash there with their three separate bedrooms - according to Jimin, they usually only use the one anyway, so it’s not displacing anyone.
It’s been a couple of weeks since their last gathering, and it’s only happening so soon because their schedules have conveniently, and rarely, worked out that way. So Seokjin demands that they all come over for movies, food and drinks.
Taehyung ends up working a little later than expected, which isn’t too much of a problem, but does mean he’s a drink or two behind by the time he arrives. He catches public transport from the gallery, knowing he’s drinking, and has no intention to stay the night.
Mostly because he knows that Jimin, Namjoon, and Seokjin will share a bed. Yoongi and Jungkook will share another. Which leaves one bed, and Taehyung and Hoseok. So, he’d rather catch a rideshare or public transport back home late at night than do that.
He’s met at the door by a smiling Namjoon, who hurries him inside. The smell of food is amazing, and his stomach is immediately rumbling in anticipation.
“Sorry I’m late,” he says, sliding off his shoes. “I finished up later than I thought I would.”
“Don’t worry, but you might want to get in there before Jungkook eats everything,” Namjoon jokes, but when Taehyung walks into the dining room, it turns out Namjoon is barely joking. They all cheer at the table when they see him, and he’s smiling as he sits down at the table.
The only seat available is at the head of the table, and he cautiously sits down just in case someone else claims it. But Jimin looks comfortable between Namjoon and Seokjin, and Jungkook between Hoseok and Yoongi on the other side, so he’s left to face everyone.
He grabs the open bottle of wine in front of him, pouring it into his glass as they ask questions about how work went. Yoongi’s got that worried furrow in his brow, meaning he’s stressed that Taehyung is overworking again, but Taehyung is quick to ease it.
Conversation flows easily, and Taehyung focuses on eating as much as he can. It’s easier, at the head of the table, to get away with being quieter as the two sides talk to each other. It’s easier to observe everyone without them really looking back.
Which means he’s getting all too comfortable looking at Hoseok, who’s near the other end, as he interacts with them all. Hoseok rarely looks directly in his direction unless Taehyung’s actually speaking, but those moments are few and far between.
It’s easy to watch how he looks after Jungkook and Jimin, giving them the best servings of food in front of them, as well as topping up Jungkook’s endless pile. He draws Yoongi out, getting the other excited and playful. Taehyung always loves anyone that can get Yoongi to give his full smile, but it’s only added to a very long, quickly growing list of why he loves Jung Hoseok.
Hoseok gives his full attention to anyone speaking, and while he won’t always comment, he’s thoughtful in his replies and in his tone. He’s respectful and open with Namjoon, playful and cheeky when he’s talking to Seokjin.
Hoseok’s always brought out the best in people, he remembers. Always brings out the best versions of them.
And yet Taehyung’s that much of a mess, because he’s only ever the worst around Hoseok.
After losing a game of rock paper scissors, Taehyung, Namjoon and Yoongi clean up the dishes. The others move towards the television, and while they’re mostly out of sight, their voices carry loudly.
The conversation in the kitchen is quiet and calm, Taehyung prompting the other two to talk about their latest works. It’s always a delight to see both of them light up, to talk so passionately, and Taehyung is all too happy in listening to it.
They’re just about done when Namjoon approaches him, helping him dry off the final few dishes.
“How’re you holding up?” He asks, and it’s a general question, but they both know what he’s asking.
Taehyung glances cautiously back towards the television, but the others are wrapped up in watching Hoseok and Jungkook wrestle around. Taking a deep breath, he turns again and focuses on the plate in his hand.
“Okay, I think,” he replies. “It’s easier than I thought it would be.”
He knows Yoongi is listening carefully, staring down at his own cutlery in his hands. It’s hard, with everyone knowing varying things, and he knows he should probably tell them all, but -
There’s no guarantee it won’t get back to Hoseok. And Taehyung’s told one person already about his love, and he doesn’t think he can do it again. Definitely not four times over, certainly not five in the addition of Hoseok.
So he keeps his mouth clamped shut. Because if he tells Namjoon then he’ll have to tell Jimin, and then he’ll definitely have to tell Seokjin, and then he can’t just have Jungkook being the only one not to know - so it’s just easier, better, for only Yoongi to know.
“That’s because you still haven’t talked to him though, right?” Namjoon asks. “Not since the date, at least.” It’s not accusatory, just a gentle question for Namjoon to confirm it, and Taehyung nods.
“Right.” It’s probably better they don’t - Taehyung wants to hold off that conversation for as long as he can, thank you.
“Okay,” Namjoon says. Taehyung can tell he has more to say, and he wants to say it, but glances at Taehyung and stops. Instead, he takes the last dish to dry, and hums a little to himself. “It’ll work out, I’m sure.”
Taehyung’s certain Namjoon wouldn’t be so sure if he knew everything, but he leaves that to himself. They finish up, Taehyung walking in front of the other two back towards the others.
The others have started to get excited about something, and Taehyung walks into the room to see Hoseok running straight at him.
“What-” he’s cut off, stumbling backwards and almost spilling his drink as Hoseok bolts straight past him. He’s making little panicked noises, but there’s a big grin on his face, and he hides behind Namjoon, pulling him back until Hoseok’s back is on the wall, Namjoon in front of him.
Taehyung turns to see Jungkook following, almost skidding through the doorway and slamming into Taehyung. He manages to sidestep, racing past to stop in front of Namjoon and Hoseok. Namjoon looks bewildered, and Hoseok’s eyes are wide in panic but there’s a massive smile on his face.
Yoongi laughs as he walks past, telling Hoseok good luck. Jungkook’s shoulders are shaking with laughter as well, and he crowds right up to Namjoon, trying to reach Hoseok.
Hoseok’s shaking his head, trying to speak between panicked squeaks and laughter. Taehyung watches on as Jungkook lunges forward, and Hoseok pulls Namjoon to block him.
“Jungkook found out he’s ticklish,” Jimin explains as he steps up beside him, a big smile on his face. Taehyung can’t fight his own smile, because Jungkook’s high, squeaky laughter is contagious enough, and Hoseok’s always had an infectious smile.
“There’s a spot right near his ribs-” Taehyung starts, and then realises what he’s saying, clamping his mouth shut. It's something he thought he buried, a long long time ago -
But it's hard to bury the feeling of knowing what Hoseok's like, under the touch of his fingers. It's impossible to forget.
Taehyung averts his eyes, turning away. "I'm going to go see what Jin's doing," he tells Jimin, then takes his leave.
Seokjin's just setting up the television, connecting it to his streaming service. Taehyung sits heavily on the couch, placing his drink on the floor beside him, and letting his head rest back to stare at the ceiling.
"Okay, we are not letting Jungkook get a hold of the remote, because he will put horror on just to torture us," Seokjin declares, then glances at Yoongi. "Actually, you'd do it too, wouldn’t you? Just to see us squirm. Taehyung, you're my only hope."
"Actually, I think it's all of us against those two." He gestures to Yoongi, then somewhere behind him to indicate Jungkook. “So, not just me here.”
“My only hope,” Seokjin cries dramatically, flinging himself onto the couch and landing on top of Taehyung. “The only one that still listens to me.”
“Well now you’re just fooling yourself,” Namjoon teases, walking back in. Hoseok is still clinging onto his elbows, kicking out frantically to stop Jungkook from coming near him, but Jungkook’s too busy laughing to try any serious attempts.
Seokjin has pretty much flopped his entire weight onto Taehyung, pinning him to the couch. Meaning he can’t move when Namjoon sits beside him, with Hoseok following.
It’s basically the least amount of people between him and Hoseok there’s ever been amongst their group, and he really doesn’t know what to feel. Instead, he wraps his arm around Seokjin, and buries his face into the other’s shoulder.
Taehyung’s always been a coward when it comes to Hoseok, after all. Just because he tells himself he’s doing better doesn’t mean he actually is. But he will, eventually. Probably. Not today, at least.
Seokjin tries to move, but Taehyung’s now the one that has him pinned, and he refuses to let the other go. It’s one more person between him and Hoseok, and he’s going to do his damn best to keep it that way.
His resolve doesn’t hold up long against Seokjin’s will to keep the remote away from Jungkook. Once the youngest makes the move for it, Seokjin’s pinching his arms until Taehyung relents, and dives to beat the other.
Finally, Jimin snatches the remote from underneath both of them, and Seokjin sighs in relief, turning his focus into making sure Jungkook doesn’t take it from Jimin.
Jimin picks out a movie, one they’ve all seen before, but means no one is bothered when someone speaks up. They all settle around the lounge room, Jungkook dragging in a chair for himself, but they all know he’ll end up draped across Yoongi anyway.
When the movie first begins, Taehyung is hyper aware of everything. Namjoon offers a little relief to Hoseok’s presence, the latter taking to sitting comfortably on the couch, sipping at his drink. Taehyung can’t help but glance over when he laughs, or whenever he makes a noise appropriate to the movie.
He finally starts to relax, though, curling up on the couch, his head on the arm-rest. He keeps his drink on the floor in favour of holding a pillow to his chest, and Namjoon doesn’t object to the feet in his lap. It’s not the comfiest, but it’s been a long day, and he’s had just enough alcohol to feel sleepy, all the sound of his friends around him ease him all too quickly into a doze.
He remains aware of some things, doing his best to fight the sleepiness. He enjoys the time around his friends, wants to remain in their conversations, so he’s able to hum out agreeable replies for a bit.
Despite his best efforts though, and the faint alarm in his head that he needs to get home so that he’s not sharing a bed with Hoseok, he’s crashed before the movie finishes. He stirs a little when everyone starts to move, when his feet are lifted from Namjoon’s lap and carefully placed back on the couch, but doesn’t reply to anyone wishing him goodnight.
He’s not sure how much later it is, but he stirs a little again when someone lifts his head, and he’s ready to start grumbling, but the other shushes him.
“Move down,” they whisper, to which Taehyung does grumble, but he does his best to shimmy down a little. There’s movement, and then his head is slowly being lowered back down onto a pillow that wasn’t there before. He’s asleep before he can even think to thank them.
He wakes up, properly this time, early in the morning. It takes him a confusing few moments to work out where he is, sighing when he realises. His back hurts a little, but the usual accompanying neck pain from a couch-crash is missing thanks to the pillow underneath him.
His phone is on the table in front of him, and the urge to check it for the time overwhelms his desire to just go back to sleep. Once he’s sitting up though, he stops, not bothered just yet to move forward and reach it.
Seokjin shuffles into the room while Taehyung’s staring at his phone, willing it to somehow come to him. Seokjin offers a rumbly morning greeting, and Taehyung does his best to attempt one as Seokjin moves into the kitchen.
“Coffee?” He offers, and Taehyung drops his head back, trying to see Seokjin upside down.
“No thank you, hyung,” he declines, the bitter taste of it unappealing. “If you have tea, though?”
Seokjin mumbles something like an affirmative, so Taehyung thanks him and goes back to his earlier task of willing his phone to him. Eventually he just leans forward to get it, grimacing at the earlier hour shown on his lockscreen. He likes to sleep in as long as possible on his days off, but will have to settle for a nap later in the day.
Seokjin eventually comes over, placing Taehyung’s mug in front of him. “Sorry about crashing, hyung,” Taehyung says, and Seokjin shakes his head as he takes a sip of his drink.
“You know it’s not a problem. We were going to move you into the other room, but…”
“Hoseok would be uncomfortable,” Taehyung finishes for him, and Seokjin huffs out something like a laugh.
“No, he said you would be. It seems he gave you a pillow, though.”
Taehyung’s quiet as he takes that information in. It was easier to imagine that Hoseok would have been the uncomfortable one, rejecting Taehyung from the bed because it would be too awkward - but it seems that wasn’t an issue.
The issue is always Taehyung.
Now he has to imagine his reaction to waking up in the other bedroom, next to Hoseok, and - yeah, it’s an issue. Certainly uncomfortable.
Maybe not for the right reasons, maybe not for the wrong reasons - but, really, the same reasons he’s used the past 10 years.
Seokjin diverts the topic after that, and they sit and talk until Hoseok shuffles out, hands rubbing at his eyes as he wanders into the room. His hair is messy, his cheeks a bit puffy, and his pyjama shorts are sitting low on his hips.
It’s endearing, and stupidly cute, and Taehyung gulps down the last of his tea to stop himself from making any dumb noises.
Hoseok mumbles a good morning, and Taehyung somehow manages to repeat it, which surprises both of them. Hoseok, to his credit, is quick to hide it, but Taehyung still catches the way his hands pause at rubbing his eyes, caught off guard.
“Thanks for the pillow,” he also manages, stopping himself before addressing Hoseok by name. He doesn’t know what formalities to use, so he figures he can just indirectly talk to Hoseok, and never by name, until he figures it out.
Hoseok’s hands drop, and his eyes flicker to the pillow that’s sitting on the couch, then to Taehyung. “That’s okay, I just hope your back doesn’t hurt too badly.”
“Ah,” Taehyung shrugs, arms stretching up, “It’s okay.”
“That’s good,” Hoseok replies, to which Taehyung nods, and then the room becomes a victim of awkward silence. Seokjin’s hands clap together, a little too loudly considering half of them are still asleep.
“Well! Hoseok, help yourself to whatever in the kitchen, there should be enough water in the kettle for another.”
Taehyung starts to gather his things as Hoseok’s in the kitchen, and Seokjin is frowning at him. “You’re heading home?”
“I need to shower,” Taehyung frowns at himself, airing his shirt a little. “And wear some fresh clothes. Thanks for letting me stay over, I had a lot of fun last night. I’ll be leaving now.”
Seokjin sighs, but doesn’t argue it. “Okay, if you’re sure. Message me when you’re home.”
They hug, and Hoseok walks back in as Taehyung’s turning to leave.
“Get home safe,” Hoseok tells him, and Taehyung turns a little to acknowledge him, smiling and hoping it’s not too stilted.
“I will, thank you. You too.”
He leaves, with Hoseok’s own guarded smile burning in his memory.
Things do get better, slowly. It gets easier to be around Hoseok.
They even have their first proper, actual interaction when they’re around the rest of their friends. They’re all at Jungkook and Yoongi’s, almost a month after their last gathering, and Taehyung’s sitting on the back of one of their sofa chairs.
He didn’t just climb on it to start with, but there was a point where all of them were on the lounge, and Namjoon was sitting on the single sofa chair. Taehyung, with nowhere else to sit other than on the floor or on someone’s lap, opted to sit on the back of the chair.
He means to slide down and sit properly once Namjoon moves, but he gets distracted by laughing as Seokjin and Jimin start to tease each other, and then Jungkook joins in, and it devolves into chaos. He isn’t paying attention to Hoseok, so it’s a surprise when the other tentatively sits on the chair Taehyung’s perched on.
Hoseok’s careful to sit a bit forward, so that he’s not touching Taehyung, but he keeps his body turned to Taehyung. A quick glance confirms that the other chairs are free, so Hoseok’s taking the choice to sit with him, and Taehyung’s stomach falls through the floor.
Hoseok seems relaxed, though, still smiling fondly at the others. Taehyung tries to relax as well, but he’s distracted and nervous now.
“Jin’s really good with Jimin, isn’t he?” Hoseok’s quiet, tone as fond as the way he’s watching them, and Taehyung hums. It’s a surprise, because neither of them have really actually interacted purposely with each other directly, so it’s throwing Taehyung a little.
He shifts a little from his spot as he leans forward, voice the same volume to match Hoseok’s quiet one. “They’re good for each other. Jin taught Jimin to live more happily and freely, and Jimin looks after Jin really well as well.”
“And Namjoon balances them.”
Taehyung nods, a smile on his face as he starts to properly focus on the others again. “Yeah. They all really love each other.”
Talking about love with Hoseok is like a minefield, almost - there’s warning signs everywhere, and Taehyung feels like one misstep is going to break something, so he brings it up carefully.
But Hoseok treats it tenderly as well, so it’s easier.
“Yoongi spoils Jungkook.” Taehyung is teasing, tone light and fake-whiney, and it has the desired effect of making Hoseok laugh.
“He spoils you too.” And Hoseok certainly isn’t wrong, but it throws Taehyung a little, that Hoseok’s picked up on that. That he’s been watching Taehyung interact with the others, as much as Taehyung has watched him.
They ease into a comfortable silence, both watching as the others play around with each other. Jimin shoots him a questionable look, once Hoseok has looked away, but Taehyung shrugs it off.
Eventually, Hoseok is pulled off the couch from Jungkook, determined to drag him into a team up against Seokjin and Jimin. Taehyung doesn’t move to sit properly on the chair, doesn’t want to seem like he’s stopping Hoseok from coming back, so he settles with staying on top.
And Hoseok smiles and laughs so brightly and warmly, as he did when they were friends, and Taehyung starts to wonder if it’s possible for him to burn out a second time.
Things continue to get better. Occasionally they’ve met up with only three others, then two others, then a couple of times only one of them. They can talk to each other - it’s not a lot in depth, not past usual friendly acquaintances, but it’s something. It’s easier.
(That isn’t necessarily the case when Jimin makes Taehyung tag along to watch one of his dance classes, and Hoseok’s leading the choreography. And poor, poor Taehyung, and his poor unfortunate heart, are made to sit at the front and watch.
That’s a lot, almost too much. Jimin laughs at his red face for the rest of the day, but thankfully gets him out of the studio before Hoseok can ask.)
They meet up a fair bit, over a few months, when others invite them. But they’ve never directly invited each other - Hoseok’s never had a gathering at his, nor Taehyung at his own - quite frankly, Taehyung’s place just isn’t big enough, and it seems like Hoseok’s in the same spot.
Hoseok extends a direct invitation to him, one day, which surprises him. It feels like a giant step in their new-found friendship, which Taehyung calls tentatively. They’re still kind of like friendly acquaintances, bound together by obligation of mutual friends in mutual spaces, and so it feels like a proper, actual step into a real friendship.
It’s still kind of flimsy, as far as direct invitations go, because Hoseok says Namjoon won’t move from the studio, and he’s not going to move without Taehyung for guilt-tripping dongsaeng purposes.
It's also the first direct message Hoseok's sent him in the past ten years.
Unknown Number
10:28AM
Hey, it's Hoseok ^^ I grabbed your number from the group chat.
It’s pretty standard, maybe underwhelming, for the first ever direct message since their last. Taehyung feels like maybe Hoseok would’ve used the chance, their first ever text interaction, to ask about why Taehyung even took him out from his contact list in the first place. Why Hoseok has to introduce himself, and take Taehyung’s number from the group chat, when by all means, Hoseok never should have had to.
So Hoseok drags Namjoon out of the studio, meeting Taehyung at the front, and Namjoon predictably accepts his fate as soon as he sees him.
“Hyung,” Taehyung whines for good measure, immediately grabbing Namjoon’s arm and pulling him along, “I’ve missed you!”
“You saw me all of a week ago,” Namjoon grumbles, but still ruffles his hair affectionately. “We go longer without seeing each other.”
“I always miss you then too, though!”
Namjoon rolls his eyes, but settles his hand around Taehyung’s hip, walking along with him. Hoseok is grinning when Taehyung looks back, but hasn’t moved. When Taehyung falters, Namjoon does too, and they both turn to look at Hoseok.
“I drove here,” Hoseok offers, “and there’s a really good place I know, and it’ll be quicker to drive.”
Namjoon, thankfully, takes the front seat, and Taehyung sits in the middle of the backseat so that he can lean forward and join the conversation. He’s excited that Hoseok’s directly invited him, if a little nervous, and it means that he jumps in eagerly to whatever topics they talk about.
Lunch is easy, because Taehyung’s getting used to Hoseok being around, and is learning to talk directly to Hoseok without needing a buffer. Namjoon gets up at one point, and Taehyung doesn’t immediately panic that he’s alone with Hoseok. Instead, they’ve eased into talking about lighter topics, about how work is, about what Namjoon’s been working so passionately on.
“I hope it was okay, by the way,” Hoseok suddenly says, when Namjoon’s making his way back to the table. He sounds a little nervous, but he’s looking directly at Taehyung, refusing to be embarrassed about it. “That I got your number from the group chat.”
“It’s okay,” Taehyung reassures, but he can’t look directly back at Hoseok when he says it. Because it’s not okay, that Hoseok has to do that. That Taehyung hasn’t offered it earlier, that they haven’t even texted directly until now, after months and - well, years.
Instead, he can turn to Hoseok as he says “I don’t mind,” because he really doesn’t.
When Namjoon comes back, he’s looking at them a little strangely, but doesn’t comment on the slightly weird lingering atmosphere between them. It disappears quickly, but Taehyung can both tell they’re now thinking about the last messages Hoseok sent to Taehyung’s old phone number. Why Taehyung got a new number, and never added Hoseok back.
Hoseok gets up at one point, says he has to go to the bathroom, and Namjoon leans forward in an attempt to get Taehyung’s attention. “So, you two are getting along well now.”
“We’ve never not gotten along,” Taehyung pouts, because it’s true, in front of everyone else.
“Maybe,” Namjoon replies, “but it’s less awkward now, I mean. He even used you to drag me out of the studio.”
“Because I’m your favourite.” Which is a lie, especially when Hoseok could’ve just used Jimin, but Namjoon will never say it, so Taehyung likes to tease.
They linger together at the restaurant, and Hoseok’s right about the place being good, and it takes a while before they eventually start to head out. When Namjoon and Taehyung get up to pay, Hoseok waves it off. “I already paid, my treat today.”
They both thank him sincerely, and Namjoon punches him jokingly in the shoulder for tricking them with the guise he used to go to the bathroom to pay, but Hoseok seems more than happy that they both accompanied him.
“Did you need a lift home, Taehyung-ah?” Hoseok asks, once they pile back into the car. Taehyung smiles, but shakes his head.
“I’m okay thanks, I drove to the studio, so just drop me back there,” he replies, but he wonders how it would have gone if Hoseok did drop him off. He’s okay with Hoseok knowing where he lives, but he wonders if Hoseok would’ve dropped Namjoon off first, if Taehyung would’ve moved to the front and navigated, what they’d say to each other.
When Taehyung gets back home, he has a new message, and he opens it with something bubbling in the pit of his stomach.
Hoseok
3:11PM
Thanks for coming today! Get home safely!
He sends back a text thanking Hoseok, telling him he’s back home safely, and once again thanking him for the meal. It’s strange, seeing Hoseok’s name and number once again in Taehyung’s phone, with no previous chat history on the app between them.
It unsettles him that scrolling up leads to nothing. Doesn’t show the past ten years, Hoseok’s last desperate, and then resigned, attempts to get Taehyung to reply to him. That Taehyung has to go back and find his screenshots, just to see Hoseok’s name slowly change and then disappear from his phone.
Really, it’s all Seokjin’s fault that Hoseok’s currently drunk as all hell.
It is, truly, because Hoseok apparently only planned on having maybe one bottle of soju. But Seokjin is a menace, especially when Jungkook and Jimin encourage him, and manages to get Hoseok to drink another one and a half bottles.
Turns out, two and a half bottles of soju is, well, way more than enough for Hoseok. Taehyung knows he wouldn’t be doing any better at least.
They’re having barbeque to celebrate Namjoon’s work finally being approved by his company, and while it’s certainly not his first to be so, it’s their first big gathering all together to celebrate.
Taehyung’s careful to watch how much alcohol he has, because seeing Hoseok tonight has his heart feeling all funny, and one glass of beer is already feeling like secrets will spill from his tongue. One secret, that’s been sitting there so long, and it feels too easy to roll off.
Hey Hoseok, did you know I love you? I have, for nineteen years now, even if I tried not to for so many of them. I know I can’t ask this of you, but please treat my heart carefully, because I haven’t been doing a good job of it.
That’s not fair to Hoseok, to ask that much of him when Taehyung effectively cut him out of his life for so long. He thought he was doing what would be best for his heart so long ago, but he’s pretty sure it’s just made everything worse, and he feels exposed tonight. Raw, like his skin isn’t settled properly, like his heart is ready to burst.
So he’s careful, makes sure he’s slow to drink, that no one targets him tonight into drinking. It might be why, instead, they turn their attention to Hoseok, who always caves a little too easily and is fine to do so.
Still, it’s easy to get lost in the excited atmosphere around him, and his energy thrives off the others. Yoongi’s got his chin hooked on Jungkook’s shoulder, sitting a little bit behind him, and whenever Jungkook speaks, Yoongi looks at Jungkook like he’s hung the stars. Jungkook isn’t much better, when Yoongi starts to ramble a little about how proud he is of Namjoon for his work, of everyone for doing their best in life.
Seokjin and Jimin aren’t much better, keeping their focus on Namjoon for his celebration, but it’s nice for all of them to be so open and comfortable with each other. They also make sure they don’t ever exclude Hoseok and Taehyung, which is probably the reason Hoseok’s so red now.
Jimin’s cackling as Hoseok starts to zone out a little, not realising they’ve all started to stare at him until he focuses on taking another sip of his drink.
“What?” He demands, cheeks and ears even more red now that he’s got everyone’s attention. Seokjin demands a cheers, which turns into Namjoon knocking his drink over, and now everyone’s laughing as Namjoon sighs tiredly, Jungkook and Jimin already attempting to mop it up with napkins.
They all drink maybe a little too much, and certainly eat more than enough, and they’re loud and excited as they celebrate. It’s late into the night by the time they start to head out, all of them splitting the bill.
Jungkook’s got his arms around Yoongi’s waist, swaying side to side as they walk out together, and Yoongi’s got a delighted smile on his face. Jimin offers Seokjin a piggy-back, which somehow turns into Taehyung getting on Jimin’s back, Hoseok on Seokjin’s, and they race down the street.
Hoseok’s swaying as he gets off, groaning, and there’s a bit of fretting as they all fear Hoseok’s about to throw up. Thankfully, he manages to stand up and reassures them he’s fine, he won’t be sick, but now they’re all a little bit concerned.
Yoongi, Jungkook and Namjoon catch up to them eventually, and Taehyung is looking at all of them, thinking about what he’s about to do.
“I can take him home,” he offers. Because Jungkook and Yoongi still haven’t let go of each other, and Namjoon is now standing between Seokjin and Jimin, and they all deserve to go home together and celebrate. Taehyung doesn’t have anyone to go home with, after all, so it’s only logical.
Logical, like Taehyung’s ever been logical with Hoseok.
Yoongi’s frowning in concern at him, but Taehyung does his best to ease it with a smile. “It’s okay, you guys head out together. I’ll make sure he’s okay.”
Hoseok’s now taken to sitting down on a little ledge, not really paying attention to the conversation. Seokjin walks over and sits with him, rubbing his back as the rest of them talk.
“Are you sure, Tae-ah?” Yoongi asks, “we can take him home.”
Taehyung shakes his head, sure now. “Really, it’s okay. Unless Hoseok minds, of course.”
“He doesn’t,” Seokjin confirms as he walks up to them again. “Here, I’ll text you his address. You getting a rideshare?”
“Probably not,” Taehyung replies. If Hoseok throws up in it, he’d rather not deal with that, so walking for a bit and then getting the bus will probably be easier. “That’s okay, though.”
They’re still concerned, but they take Taehyung’s word for it. They walk with them to the bus stop that Hoseok needs, and thank him as they hug him and Hoseok goodbye. Hoseok gets quieter once they leave, sitting down on the bus stop bench.
Taehyung sits beside him, and Hoseok shifts a little to accommodate him. “You don’t have to take me home, Taehyung.”
“I’d feel better if I did,” Taehyung answers honestly, turning to look at him. “Just making sure you get home okay.”
Hoseok nods, but otherwise doesn’t reply, and they sit together quietly while waiting for the bus. The bus ride is quiet as well, except for Hoseok’s quiet prompting of when to get off. Once they get off, Hoseok seems to forget to direct them, but Taehyung’s got the map navigation up.
Hoseok’s walking slowly, head down as he follows along, seemingly content in letting Taehyung direct them. They reach the steps of Hoseok’s apartment building, but Hoseok’s stopped a few steps away, and isn’t making a move towards him.
“Are you okay?” Taehyung asks, slowly moving back towards him. He realises, with a jolt, that Hoseok’s shoulders are shaking, his head down as he stands there and cries.
In the list of things Taehyung was prepared for when he decided to take Hoseok home, this was not one of them. He stops, reaching a hand out to Hoseok but stopping before he touches him. “Hoseok?”
“Sorry, Taehyungie.” The nickname clenches around Taehyung’s throat, and he barely stops the strangled gasp at the memories of Hoseok affectionately calling him by it. “Sorry.”
He wipes his eyes, looking up at Taehyung now. He’s definitely still a bit drunk, enough that he’s unable to properly monitor what he’s saying, but not enough that he’s unapologetic for it.
“It’s okay,” Taehyung reassures calmly, even though he’s panicking inside, because he’s not quite sure why Hoseok’s so upset. It’s hard to predict with any drunk person, but something about it tells Taehyung this isn’t something he’s randomly upset about.
It’s just that he’s drunk enough to let himself be upset about it in front of Taehyung.
“I’ve just really missed you, Taehyungie. I’ve missed you a lot.”
Taehyung already felt like he couldn’t breathe properly, but now it’s properly knocked out of him, and any words he has die in his throat.
“Did you know,” Hoseok cuts himself off with a bitter laugh, rubbing at his eyes again. “Did you know I never changed my number, just in case you’d message me? In case you’d forgiven me for whatever I’d done?”
Taehyung swallows thickly, fingers twitching at his sides. He doesn’t want this to happen now, while Hoseok’s drunk and Taehyung’s a little tipsy as well, and when the words won’t come up past his throat.
“Sorry, I didn’t say that to make you feel bad. I just… I really, really missed you. You can step back for any reason, if I upset you - or, or not, that’s okay too. You need to look after yourself first.”
Hoseok goes to reach out, and Taehyung, already on edge and scared and not knowing what to do, flinches back.
Hoseok looks up at him, eyes wide and upset, and Taehyung hates himself. Hoseok’s hand falls back, and he lets out a little sigh before squaring his shoulders back, wiping the last of his tears.
“I’m sorry,” Taehyung weakly manages to say, even though it’s not enough. It’s not enough of an apology, and it’s not enough to fix what he’s just done. Hoseok just shakes his head.
“It’s okay, I’m the one that’s sorry. I’ll be okay, I can get inside fine, you should go home before it gets too late.”
Taehyung’s the one to reach out this time, but Hoseok steps past him before he can make contact. Taehyung’s standing there, unable to turn himself around to watch Hoseok walk into his building.
He hears Hoseok go up the steps, and then stops. “I’m really proud of you, Taehyungie. You’re doing so well for yourself, and you work so hard, and - I just... wish I’d gotten to see all your accomplishments.”
Taehyung’s eyes water, and his voice is wobbly and awful as he speaks, turning around now to face Hoseok. “I’m sorry,” is all he can offer, and Hoseok carefully looks him over before he turns away again, seeming to realise Taehyung isn’t going to give anything else.
“Get home safe, Taehyung. Thanks for taking me home.”
And with that, Hoseok steps inside his building, and Taehyung’s left to wipe his own tears as his heart hurts with the realisation that despite everything, despite everything he’s done, all the hurt and pain he’s caused to try and shield his own heart the past ten years -
Nothing has changed. Taehyung’s just as good as ruining everything now as he was back then, because Taehyung loves Hoseok all the same. Nothing, nothing, has changed.
Jimin and Yoongi knock on his door two days later, after he’s returned home from work, with no prior warning.
Which is unfortunate, because Taehyung planned to kind of just isolate himself a little this week, to sort out all of his feelings about Hoseok. He knew he wouldn’t be able to get away with more time than that, especially not after last time, but least thought he’d get the week.
He opens the door to both of them holding take-away bags in their hands, and he raises a questioning eyebrow at them, but lets them in regardless. They set the bags down, taking out the containers.
“You haven’t eaten yet, have you?” Yoongi asks, even though he’s already taking out three sets of chopsticks.
“Shouldn’t you have asked that before you came to my door with food?” Yoongi swats at him for the question, and Jimin just shoves him down into a chair at his small dining table.
“No, because you simply didn’t answer when we asked if you’d like to get dinner. Usually, if you had food, you’d say you’re eating out already, then avoid telling us where.” Jimin replies, and Taehyung pouts at him, but Jimin sticks his tongue out in retaliation. “Hence, you haven’t had dinner.”
“You’re upset, and you tend to forget we exist when you are.” Jimin points accusingly at him as he goes to get a plate together for Taehyung.
“I’m not upset,” Taehyung declares. He’s just confused, maybe a little frustrated at himself. He’s not upset, because he has no right to be.
“You are,” Yoongi counters, sitting down at the table with his own plate in front of him. Jimin follows not long after, placing Taehyung’s in front of him, who thanks him - even if it’s a little reluctant, because he had no plans to have dinner with the two of them tonight.
“So is Hoseok,” Jimin adds, tutting when he realises he’s forgotten to get the drinks, and stands back up and walks to the kitchen to get them.
Taehyung knows Yoongi would never tell anyone about the secret, but he’s suspicious about Jimin bringing up Hoseok’s name, clearly angling that something’s up between both of them as they’re both upset.
“You should tell him,” Yoongi says quietly, and Taehyung frowns at him.
“If I tell him, then I have to tell Namjoon, and Seokjin, and then Jungkook, and what’s the point of a secret then?”
“He knows you’re hiding something,” Yoongi warns. “He is very determined to find out what.”
Taehyung looks over to Jimin, who’s watching them with narrowed eyes, clearly suspicious. He does feel guilty about not telling Jimin, and he looks away as Jimin heads back to them with drinks in hand.
They eat dinner without bringing up the topic, but they all know it’s only a matter of time. It’s when Taehyung is pushing around the last bits of his meal, too full to really eat it, that Jimin leans forward.
“TaeTae,” the nickname is endearing, meant to calm Taehyung before the next question, “what happened the other night?”
“I took Hoseok home,” he replies, properly placing his chopsticks down and giving down all pretense he’s interested in his food. “Walked him to the front door, where he didn’t want me to go any further.”
They both frown at him, and Jimin places a comforting hand on his knee as he begins to prod with his questioning. “Why not?”
Taehyung thinks about his reply. He could lie here, he could say that they just don’t get along, that Hoseok was fine on his own. He could lie, and find some kind of reason to placate Jimin.
Instead, he takes one glance at Yoongi, who’s nodding at him, encouraging him to speak. He takes a deep breath, staring out at his wall across from him so that he doesn’t have to face Jimin’s reaction when Taehyung tells him about how badly he’s messed everything up.
“Because, ten years ago, I cut Hoseok out of my life,” he says, trying to make his voice as steady, as emotionless as he can. “We didn’t just grow apart naturally, like I said to you Jimin, but I started to ignore him. Ignored his messages, ignored our usual hang out places, just pretended he didn’t exist.”
Jimin’s hand squeezes his knee, trying to get Taehyung to look at him, but Taehyung just hangs his head and stares at his lap instead. “It’s not because he said something, or did something wrong. I’m just the worst.”
He laughs angrily at himself for that, the words having been ringing in his head the past couple days. He really is, to have caused Hoseok to hurt this much, to have fucked it all up this badly.
“It’s because I was in love with him,” he finally admits, squeezing his eyes tight against the threatening tears. Jimin gasps, a short intake of breath that means he’s truly surprised, and the grip around his knee loosens.
“Does… Does Hoseok know?” Jimin asks, voice quiet, careful and gentle.
Yoongi’s come around to the other side of the table now, lacing their fingers together in a gesture that calms them both down.
“No, I never told him. I didn’t tell anyone, except Yoongi-hyung.”
Jimin’s hand now comes up to rub at the back of his neck, fingers moving through the short ends near his neck.
“I just… You organised the blind date, and I didn’t want you to feel bad, or guilty, when I’m the one that caused this mess.”
“You idiot,” Jimin scolds, but his tone is surprisingly light for the amount of hurt Taehyung knows he’s feeling. “Come on, up, onto the bed where we can cuddle.”
Yoongi pulls his hand, leading him towards the bedroom, and they both guide him gently down so that they can hug him. Taehyung knows he’s a bit of a wreck when even Yoongi barely grumbles about the amount of hugging going on.
They manage to calm him down, comfort him enough that he feels easier talking about what he doesn’t want to mention. “I’m upset because I got Hoseok upset,” he whispers, but it’s loud enough that both of them can hear him. “He said he missed me a lot, and he said it’s okay that I never replied, that I had to look after myself first.”
“It seems like he’s forgiven you for ten years ago,” Jimin says, with a bit of confusion, because Taehyung hasn’t explained why Hoseok’s upset.
“He shouldn’t have.” Taehyung is getting worked up again, hands clenching against the sheets underneath him. “He shouldn’t, when I just ignored him for no reason that he knows about, he certainly shouldn’t forgive his best friend for that. But apparently, he does! Because Hoseokie-hyung is the nicest, best person ever, and-”
Taehyung chokes up a little at the old nickname, the one he makes sure never slips past his lips around Hoseok. “And he went to hold my hand, or something, and I flinched. He was just trying to be nice, and comforting, and I basically told him it wasn’t wanted. That even after hanging out all these months together, I still freak out around him!”
“You were surprised, weren’t you?” Yoongi asks quietly, fingers tapping into Taehyung’s arm. “Because you think he can’t possibly have forgiven you, and you can’t understand that he’d want to comfort and touch you.”
Taehyung doesn’t answer, doesn’t want to admit it, but his lack of reply is enough anyway.
“For what it’s worth, Taehyungie, I think he has forgiven you. He wants to be close to you, again, at least.”
Jimin’s tone is calm, reassuring, and the other two are doing their best to keep him relaxed as he works himself up, but - it’s not enough. This is something that’s been building a long, long time, something that’s risen again to simmer under his skin the past couple of days, and he hurries up and out of the bed, starting to pace.
Jimin and Yoongi sit up quickly, trying to coax him back down, but Taehyung is too worked up now, ready to explode.
“I spent ten years, ten years, ignoring him! There is no way he could forgive me for that, or want to be actual friends. And I’ve ruined it now, after the other night, because I still couldn’t confess why I’d cut him out of my life completely! I ruined it back then, and I ruined it now, because that’s all I do with Hoseok!”
“You didn’t ruin it, Taehyung-ah,” Yoongi sounds certain, determined, but Taehyung shakes his head at him as tears begin to build again.
“I did, because there is no way in hell he would ever feel the same about me! I spent probably nine years in love, and I ruined an entire friendship with the most amazing person because I'm selfish, and I couldn't handle being in love all on my own!"
"That's not true and you know it," Jimin’s voice is also strong, but it seems like they both sense it’s a lost cause by even trying to argue, because Taehyung’s bound to continue regardless.
"I do know it, and it is true. Do you know how cruel it must have been, how confusing and awful, for your best friend to suddenly start pretending you don't exist? Ignore all your texts, all your calls, and you're in this brand new high school and your piece of shit best friend won't fucking answer? Makes his mum say he's not home, that he wants to be left alone?
"And despite trying to text them, to message them, to say you're still there for them, and to fucking congratulate them on graduating despite not talking for three years? And despite that, you know what they do? They fucking take your number out of their phone, and then don't see you for ten years until they're forced to!”
Taehyung’s crying now, properly, but the sobs working up his chest aren’t enough to stop the words coming angrily from his lips.
"I did all that, because I couldn't handle being in love with him. Because every time I looked at him, and I saw him smile, I was a little bit more in love. And I shouldn't be feeling these things, and what if I let it slip, what if I ruined it all? What if I made him freak out, made him hate me? I loved him, and he didn't, and never fucking will, love me back. So it's better to just cut him out entirely, so that he only hates me for avoiding him, and not being in love with him. Because if that was the case, I wouldn't be able to handle it. So guess what? I'm selfish, and I ruined it all!"
“He doesn’t hate you, Taehyung-ah.” Jimin has moved forward on the bed, hand outreached like he wants to hold Taehyung’s, but Taehyung just backs up against the wall and sinks against it.
“And that’s even worse, isn’t it? That I’m the worst person in the world, ruined it all, and he still doesn’t hate me for it.”
Taehyung covers his face with his hands, not watching as they both slide off the bed, sitting in front of him.
“If he doesn’t hate you for all that, then he certainly won’t hate you for loving him.” Jimin’s voice is still just as careful, as gentle, but he’s confident now. Certain in what he’s saying, that it’s what he believes without doubt.
“Love doesn’t ruin something so badly, so why would Hoseok ever want mine?” Taehyung mumbles, words lost through his fingers, but Yoongi huffs. Gently, fingers wrap around his wrists, dragging his hands away from his face.
“You should talk to him, Taehyung. Let him decide. Even if he doesn’t feel the same, at least give him the chance to understand. You’re trying to protect your heart, but you’re breaking it instead without even giving it a chance.”
“Better than someone else breaking it.”
Jimin’s fingers move forward to wipe under his eyes, taking away the tears as they fall.
“But it’s hurting both of you,” Yoongi replies, voice gentle to soften the blow. “You’re breaking both of your hearts this way. Even if it’s not the same kind of heartbreak, you two need to try and fix this together.”
But that’s what Taehyung’s afraid of - that Hoseok’s heart breaks, just in a different way to his own. He knows that’s selfish of him, as he always has been with Hoseok, and hates himself just a little bit more for it.
Jimin and Yoongi stay the night, even though they all have to get up early to get home and get ready for work. Taehyung grumbles as Jimin’s alarm blares through the room, earlier than Taehyung’s used to.
They leave with soft, gentle smiles, and Taehyung - in his very sleep state - almost promises Jimin that he’ll talk to Hoseok. He stops himself just in time, but Jimin takes what he can get, and leaves him in peace.
He’s slow to properly awaken to the world, sitting at his table with a cup of tea in front of him. He doesn’t remember making it, thinks Yoongi might have placed it down at one point, but he really can’t remember.
Talking to Hoseok is something he doesn’t want to think about. Taehyung had flinched away, but Hoseok hadn’t let him in, and he doesn’t know who should be making the next move. The next time they meet up, as a group, they’ll both apologise, but neither will acknowledge it properly, and nothing will actually get better.
He wants to give Hoseok the time he needs to sort it out for himself, and Taehyung will take all the time he can get.
It’s not until the end of the week that Hoseok texts him, as Taehyung’s on the bus home.
Hoseok
6:32PM
Hey, can we talk?
Taehyung
6:35PM
Yeah, I’ll be home around 7, if coming here works?
Hoseok
6:36PM
That works.
Taehyung forwards his address, and Hoseok asks if he’d like any take-out from the place Hoseok plans to order from. He includes that they have one of Taehyung’s favourite dishes, but Taehyung’s not sure if he could stomach anything while Hoseok sits at his place, so he declines it.
The thought of Hoseok at his place has his fingers twitching, anxiety coursing through him as he tries to picture Hoseok sitting at his dining table. Has he left anything embarrassing lying around? How much time does he have to clean? Not enough, that’s for sure.
He rushes home once he’s off the bus, all too aware that soon enough Hoseok will be buzzing him to come up to his apartment. He has some dishes lying around from his breakfast, and quickly does his best to clean them and hide any other obvious mess.
Hoseok is definitely one of the cleanest amongst them, always stacking and organising plates, and he’s heard Yoongi complain on one occasion about Hoseok bothering him about his mess in the studio.
He’s frantically trying to sort out the mess in his bathroom when his buzzer goes off, and he answers to Hoseok’s greeting, letting him into the apartment building. He has maybe two minutes before Hoseok comes up to his apartment, and he realises he still hasn’t changed out of his work clothes.
Maybe that’s better, maybe that matches the tone of this conversation, because Hoseok sounds serious and this is definitely going to be a serious talk, so maybe Taehyung’s casual pyjamas aren’t the best kind of clothing for the atmosphere.
He doesn’t have time to change, anyway, because Hoseok’s soon knocking at his door. He takes a deep breath, because he knew this was coming, he knew they’d have to talk, and Yoongi and Jimin’s words have been ringing annoyingly enough in his head all week long.
Opening the door reveals a tired looking Hoseok, but he smiles upon seeing Taehyung. The takeout bag is in his hand, and Taehyung opens the door to let him in. He can tell Hoseok is curious, glancing around as he slides off his shoes, and Taehyung tries not to fret about what Hoseok’s thinking.
He gestures to the table, where Hoseok takes the direction to place the food down. He sorts out the containers, and Taehyung’s eyebrows furrow at the container of the dish Hoseok mentioned.
Hoseok catches the reaction, smiling a little at Taehyung. “I know you said you were okay, but I figured you can save it for lunch tomorrow. I had already kind of ordered it by the time you got back to me.”
Taehyung’s chest feels warm, warm, warm, even under the ice-cold terror it’s been encased in. He thanks Hoseok, who smiles and gestures to the container. Taehyung still doesn’t feel like he can eat, but he doesn’t want Hoseok to feel awkward eating alone, so he takes the container to his small dining table.
He offers Hoseok a drink, but Hoseok rifles through the bag until he pulls out two bottles of Coke, passing one to Taehyung as he sits down.
“This is a nice place,” Hoseok says, and he sounds genuine, looking around the room in appreciation.
“Sorry it’s a bit messy.” Taehyung winces as he looks at one of his shirts draped across the back of the chair that he missed earlier.
“Don’t stress, I kind of sprung this on you tonight with no warning. You haven’t even gotten changed out of your work clothes, have you?” Hoseok does sound guilty, which won’t do at all, because it’s already been an awkward week, and Taehyung doesn’t want to take the time now for granted.
“They’re comfortable so it’s okay.” Taehyung, for some reason, seems to think reinforcing this point includes wiggling his arms, like he’s showing the free range of movement available to him, but it makes Hoseok laugh, so it’s not too embarrassing.
Hoseok isn’t one to wait for a meal to talk, so as soon as Taehyung picks up his chopsticks, Hoseok picks up his own and speaks. “I want to apologise, for the other night. I was a little too drunk, and I got sensitive. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Taehyung has done many things wrong, and he’s about to start off on the list, but Hoseok shakes his head at him to stop him. “Not that night, you didn’t. You did a nice thing by walking me home, and I was an ass. It kind of just overwhelmed me, how much I missed you, and miss being tactile with you, and I reached out too suddenly. You even tried to amend it, but I was a little too upset to think straight, so I’m sorry.”
“You weren’t an ass, hyung,” Taehyung says, and the name slips out before he can think about it. His eyes widen, because they haven’t really addressed what they can call each other now, and he’s not sure what Hoseok thinks.
He looks over and sees that Hoseok is smiling though, looking a little less tired and more relieved, so his own unease settles. “You don’t have to apologise, but I forgive you.”
Forgiveness is the easiest way to calm Hoseok, to get him to stop worrying about it so much, and while Taehyung stands by the fact Hoseok shouldn’t be the one apologising about all of this, Hoseok is nothing but determined, so he won’t settle until he’s assured Taehyung forgives him.
“Thanks, Taehyungie.” The endearment makes Taehyung’s heart pound, a familiar swoop in his stomach that happens around Hoseok. The warm feeling doesn’t last, as Hoseok’s smile dims a little, staring seriously at Taehyung. “I know I said some things, and I still believe you have to do what’s right for you, so don’t feel like you need to explain anything.”
He sounds sincere, like he’d really, truly, be okay with the fact that Taehyung will never explain why he cut Hoseok out of his life so long ago.
Taehyung realises it can’t keep going like this. He’s not okay with Hoseok accepting that, that they’ve grown used to each other, almost comfortable again, and that Hoseok is reassuring Taehyung that he doesn’t need to explain.
And it’s scary, to try and face that, to try and form the words he needs to explain this all to Hoseok. It’s because they’re familiar with each other again that Taehyung is so scared now, because he could ruin it all over again, tear down their tentative friendship.
Taehyung can’t cut Hoseok out again, he won’t. He cut out Hoseok in his past, the one he loves and remembers from all those years ago, different to the one before him today. And Hoseok has changed, but it’s still the same, even after all these years, learning all these new things about Hoseok.
Taehyung loves him, all the same. All those years ago, all of the time now.
He’s already ruined them before, by not telling Hoseok. He’ll ruin it again, regardless, because if he doesn’t tell Hoseok then he’s hiding something forever, feelings too big that he never learned to contain. And cutting Hoseok out isn’t an option now, and so it’ll probably slip up sooner or later, so he may as well say it now.
“I want to explain,” Taehyung whispers, placing his chopsticks down. His thoughts have been whirling as he stares at Hoseok, but now he stares down at the plate, unable to bring himself to look at Hoseok’s face.
He’s really about to ruin it all again, because Hoseok won’t be able to ever love him back, but that’s - Taehyung needs to accept it. He’s dealt with heartbreak once by his own hands, and he’ll deal with it again.
Hoseok lets out a steady breath, placing his own chopsticks down and Taehyung can tell he has his full attention.
The words have been ready to roll off his tongue for years now, and it was the closest he’s ever been to saying it when he was drinking, when it all almost fell apart again.
“I’m really sorry, Hoseok-hyung,” Taehyung says, and while he didn’t think he could look at Hoseok while saying it, something makes him look up and catch Hoseok’s eyes. “I’m sorry for ignoring you, for being the worst person ever to you. I’m sorry that we missed so much of each other’s lives, and I’m sorry I was too scared to ever say why.”
He’s shaking, hands trembling as he anxiously wrings them together, and Hoseok reaches out to clasp his hands over Taehyung’s own. Tears are building up, leaking down his face, and he sniffles weakly.
“I…. I didn’t know what to do, I still don’t know what to do, because I love you.” Hoseok squeezes his hands at the admission, and Taehyung realises it’s because he hasn’t properly clarified, Hoseok still not quite getting it.
“I fell in love with you,” he finally says, and the words lift a heavy weight from his shoulders, but his heart is pounding so hard it might just come out of his chest, and there’s a sinking pit in his stomach. It’s a relief, but it’s terrifying, and he chokes back a sob.
That gets Hoseok’s eyes widening in realisation, in understanding, and Taehyung hurries to just blurt it all out, to get everything out in the open now, the secret that’s been pressing down on him for so long finally being lifted from his chest. “I still am.”
Hoseok won’t free his hands, meaning Taehyung can’t wipe away all the wetness at his cheeks, and he has to settle for trying to close his eyes against another onslaught of tears. It’s not like he can see Hoseok’s reaction anymore anyway, his vision too blurry now.
He can feel Hoseok shifting, the grip on his hands moving until he finally lets go, and Taehyung tries to stop the next sob from escaping. He knew that this would ruin everything, that he’d still push Hoseok away - even if, this time, it’s Hoseok’s choice.
His heart clenches painfully, and he brings his hands back to himself, trying to curl up, to protect himself. Like if he was smaller, he’d be able to stop the way his heart splinters apart.
He’s about to try and apologise again, because if anything Hoseok should hear Taehyung’s sincere apologies, like maybe he can eventually forgive Taehyung for loving and ruining him.
Fingers carefully brushing at his cheek stop the tears, and manages to stop the way he wants to jolt back in surprise. The fingers brush away the tears on his cheek, gently pressing against his eyelids as they swipe away the tears there too.
Taehyung’s fingers desperately scrabble to get hold of Hoseok’s wrists, because maybe this is the last thing Hoseok will do - because Hoseok’s always been too kind, and he’ll wipe Taehyung’s tears and try and repair his heart, because he’ll do his best not to break it.
Hoseok’s doing his best to calm Taehyung, wiping his eyes and gently shushing him, trying to quieten Taehyung’s sobs.
Eventually, Taehyung’s able to open his eyes, seeing Hoseok crouched before him, looking up at Taehyung with an open expression, a mix of confusion and his own grief, but something almost hopeful, too.
“Taehyungie,” Hoseok whispers, fingers now just holding the side of Taehyung’s face, stopping Taehyung from looking anywhere but him. “You love me?”
“I do,” Taehyung whispers, almost ashamed, because this is it, the big secret out in the open now. Not ashamed for loving Hoseok, but for everything it’s caused.
“And you loved me, all those years ago?”
Taehyung does his best to nod, even with Hoseok’s steady grip. Hoseok lets out a heavy sigh, but it’s not disappointed, not quite - maybe resignation, maybe almost something teasing to it.
“And you decided, because you loved me, that your best decision was to cut me from your life?” Hoseok asks - it’s not mean, not at all, and if Taehyung was any less upset he’d detect the teasing tone, but the shame and guilt curl around Taehyung’s chest, another sob building as tears begin to start again.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Taehyung’s pleas are almost chants, repeating them until Hoseok stands over him, crowding into his space, arms circling around the back of Taehyung’s shoulders and cradling his head.
“Sh, sh, I know - sorry, that was mean of hyung, wasn’t it? I know you’re sorry, I know Taehyungie.”
The words, while comforting, do little to stop Taehyung’s guilt, his desperation to explain everything. “I just… You’d never love me back like that, and that’s okay! I promise, it’s okay now. But I couldn’t do it back then, it hurt too much, and I’m selfish and I wanted to try and stop my heart from breaking, which didn’t even work anyway!”
One of Taehyung’s hands have clung to Hoseok’s arm, the other grabbing at his chest, like he’ll be able to claw his way into his heart to take it out, to stop feeling so much.
Hoseok’s whispering quiet reassurances, but they’re not loud enough for Taehyung to catch, and he doesn’t think he’s meant to anyway. When Taehyung has mostly quieted, when his tears have properly stopped, Hoseok leans down and presses a featherlight kiss to his hair.
The action is something he used to be familiar with - whenever Taehyung would wrap himself under Hoseok, clinging to him, Hoseok would press a kiss to his hair. Taehyung’s taller now, meaning he can’t quite tuck into Hoseok like he used to, but right now, he feels just as small and as taken care of as he used to be.
Taehyung manages to get out a small “hyung”, which sounds as weak and as confused as he currently feels. Hoseok is still holding him, doing an old action that they both used to take comfort from, and he doesn’t know what to think.
It’s getting harder and harder to guard his heart when Hoseok keeps trying to be gentle, to look after it, but Taehyung’s still bracing himself for the inevitable break.
"Want to know something, Tae-ah?" Hoseok asks gently, giving Taehyung a chance to say no. Like Taehyung hasn't already prepared for Hoseok's rejection.
He manages something like a hum for an affirmative, and Hoseok unwraps himself from the way he's holding Taehyung, once again sitting before him on his heels. Taehyung looks down to catch his eyes, and can see Hoseok’s own brimming with tears.
Hoseok reaches up, brushing his fingers through Taehyung's hair. He's smiling fondly, focusing on the strands for a moment before looking back into Taehyung's eyes.
"You're wrong, you know," Hoseok explains, and Taehyung's heart clenches, because he's not wrong about loving Hoseok, and even if Hoseok tries to convince Taehyung he doesn't, to try and ease the pain for them both, well - this is one thing Taehyung knows he's right about.
But something tugs at him, telling him that's not what Hoseok means. Hoseok wouldn't do that to him, and he knows it, but what else could Hoseok mean he's wrong about?
"I loved you then, too."
Taehyung can feel his face fall into shock, mouth dropping a little and eyes wide. Hoseok’s tears have finally started to fall, but he doesn’t wipe them away, just keeps one hand in Taehyung’s hair, the other lacing through one of Taehyung’s hands.
Loved, loved - surely not in the same way. But Hoseok wouldn’t be saying it like that unless it was - and it’s past tense, meaning perhaps Hoseok did then, but Taehyung ruined it all now.
Hoseok seems to be searching for something in Taehyung’s face, and he takes a moment to find whatever it is, then smiles a little to himself. He rocks forward, coming up to Taehyung’s height, and presses a soft kiss to his forehead.
“And I love you now.”
Taehyung’s breath hitches as the words are whispered against his skin, and Hoseok lets his lips linger, pressing another soft kiss to his forehead before he settles back down onto his heels again.
“You… You do?” Taehyung’s voice isn’t louder than a whisper, because this doesn’t feel real, like if he speaks too loudly he'll break the whole illusion.
Hoseok smiles warmly at him, and Taehyung flashes back to their blind date, where Hoseok’s smile was nice, but wasn’t warm or comforting. It is now, just as bright and vibrant as he ever remembered, and Taehyung can’t help but smile back.
“If you’ll let me,” Hoseok promises. Their hands squeeze together, and Taehyung nods, the words “yes please” stumbling over each other, over and over again until finally Hoseok rocks forward again and kisses his forehead, his cheeks, his nose, laughing in delight.
Hoseok’s laughter is just as infectious, and Taehyung is letting out these little giggles, laced with his croaky, post-crying voice, as Hoseok continues to press light kisses to Taehyung’s face. Everything about it feels unreal, dreamlike, even though Hoseok’s fingers are digging in to remind him it’s very, very real.
The kisses are so light, barely-there, and Taehyung is overwhelmed with affection, but he’s desperate for something else now too.
Hoseok leans back a little, wincing at the pressure in his knees. He doesn’t let go of Taehyung’s hand though, just pulls Taehyung towards him as he finds a chair to properly sit in, pulling Taehyung to sit on his lap, straddling the chair.
Taehyung’s a little starstruck, overwhelmingly in love with the man below him, and they’re both smiling a little ridiculously at each other, cheeks and eyes puffy from crying, but Taehyung thinks Hoseok is just as beautiful as ever.
Hoseok’s adjusted his grip to link his hands behind Taehyung’s back, keeping him steady as Taehyung threads his fingers through Hoseok’s hair. He takes a moment to breathe, then looks down at Hoseok’s lips, leaning in a little.
“Can I…?” He asks, breathless now as he leans in a little more, but waits until Hoseok gives his own approval, which is just as breathless as Taehyung’s voice, a little “please”.
With it, Taehyung leans forward and presses their lips together. It’s slow, both of them gentle with each other, like the other might disappear from their hold if they press too hard.
But it’s perfect, and when they both pull away, there’s smiles on their lips, and love, love, love in their hearts.
Later.
It’s Christmas Eve, and they’re currently staying with Hoseok’s parents. They’ll go visit Taehyung’s for his birthday, after Christmas, finally introducing each other as partners to them.
Hoseok’s parents treat him like they always did, with so much love, like Taehyung never left, never stopped being Hoseok’s best friend, and - there’s a lot of guilt he needs to work through, but he’s here now with Hoseok, so that needs to count for something.
They’re holding hands, swinging their arms ridiculously as they walk along the streets, looking at some of the Christmas lights. It’s beautiful, and there’s something a little melancholic sitting in Taehyung’s heart as he thinks back on everything.
He’s currently remembering their blind date, and he still cringes a little when thinking of it, but he’s overall thankful for it. Hoseok catches the way he stiffens a little though, stopping and turning to Taehyung.
“What’re you thinking about?” He asks, an open smile on his face. They were skipping around together before, but Hoseok almost slipped on some wet pavement, so they’re back to walking like respectable adults.
“Our blind date,” he replies, and Hoseok’s eyebrows rise a little in surprise. They both know Taehyung’s guilt associated with it, but they’ve talked about it enough that it seems Hoseok is comfortable leaning forward a little, apparently intent on teasing him.
“You looked so good that night, you know.” Hoseok kisses his cheeks as Taehyung feels them flush. Hoseok looks around, like he’s checking who’s near, and Taehyung knows what he’s going to say before he says it, slapping Hoseok’s hand away from playfully squeezing his ass, a hurried “don’t you dare say it.”
“Hated to see you go, but loved to watch you leave,” Hoseok teases, and Taehyung almost snorts with laughter, shaking his head as he starts to walk again. Hoseok’s digging his heels in, and Taehyung turns to catch Hoseok making ridiculous faces at his back.
Hoseok eventually starts to walk again, and they walk aimlessly together until eventually, Hoseok stops again. Taehyung does as well, about to question him, but Hoseok’s suddenly cupping Taehyung’s face and pulling him in for a kiss.
He’s taken by surprise, but easily melts now under Hoseok’s touch. It’s a fairly deep kiss, barely bordering the lines of appropriateness out in public, but Hoseok eases up and pecks him one time on the lips quickly before looking up, hinting at Taehyung to do the same.
Mistletoe dangles above them, a decoration under an arch on the pathway, The Christmas lights above them shine brightly, and Taehyung grins up at them as Hoseok’s hands move down to interlace their fingers together.
When he looks down again, Hoseok’s looking at him, the love and fondness open on his face as he stares at Taehyung. Like this, under the silver glow of the Christmas lights, Hoseok looks ethereal, the moment magical.
“I love you, Kim Taehyung,” Hoseok declares, and Taehyung smiles at him.
“I love you too, Jung Hoseok,” he replies, and untangles their fingers just so that he can cling tightly to Hoseok as he hugs him, head burying into Hoseok’s shoulder. They start to sway, under the lights, and Taehyung is swept up in love and magic. “I really, really do.”