Chapter Text
“I can’t believe you’re actually going to audition.”
Youngjae sighed, for what felt like the tenth time that afternoon, looking up at his bedroom ceiling and mentally preparing the same answer he had already voiced countless times. He looked back at Kyungmo, his classmate and friend, whose wide eyes seemed to be waiting for his defense.
“I don’t know what’s so unbelievable about it,” Youngjae said. “They’re holding a private audition at our school. I want to be a singer. I want people to take my music seriously, so it seems like a good idea.”
“Yeah, but it’s JYP,” Kyungmo said. “They’re an idol company.”
“I know.”
“And you want to be an idol?” he asked. “You?”
“If you’re just going to insult me, I’m going to finish this project by myself and I won’t put your name on it,” Youngjae said. “I already got approval from my parents. I don’t know why you think I’m looking for your blessing as well.”
“Lighten up, Jae.”
They were sitting on Youngjae’s bed together, his laptop perched on his knee as he scribbled down notes in his notebook. Youngjae was already doing most of the work, but he knew that he wouldn’t take Kyungmo’s name off the assignment. He had been told too many times by his teachers and friends and even family that he was too soft. That he tended to go along with whatever the people around him thought was best.
“Obviously you’re the best singer in our class,” he said. “And I really like the lyrics you’ve shown me from your original work. If they don’t want you in their company, then they’re a bunch of dumbasses.” Kyungmo placed his hand over one of Youngjae’s. “But do you really want to be an idol? You’d have to train for years and learn how to do stupid dances and wear makeup and be put in a group with like 10 other guys. You shouldn’t want that for yourself. You’re a real artist, you know? You should be a soloist.”
Youngjae tried to listen to what he was saying, but he could only seem to focus on Kyungmo’s fingers stroking the back of his hand, one of his fingernails scratching against his skin. He pulled his hand away.
“Everyone starts somewhere,” Youngjae said. “I’m doing this for me, okay? Can’t you just support me?”
“Yeah, sure,” he said. “I’ll always support you. I still think it’s a waste of your talent though.”
They didn’t talk about the audition again. Youngjae managed to bring Kyungmo’s focus back onto their school assignment. They made some progress for about 30 minutes before Youngjae went back to thinking about the audition.
His brother, Woojeong, was the one who wanted him to do it. It wasn’t like he didn’t know that it was a good opportunity, but his original thoughts sounded a lot like Kyungmo’s worries. Youngjae wanted to be taken seriously as an artist. He wanted to be respected. That was what he told his brother, but he was quick to bring him back to reality. If he passed on this opportunity, then it could be something he regretted for the rest of his life. He had to at least give it a chance.
“You’re the one who wanted to work on our project,” Kyungmo said, bringing him out of his thoughts. “And now you’re completely zoning out. Let’s take a break.”
Before Youngjae had time to agree or disagree with him, Kyungmo took his laptop away from him, setting it down on the floor before carelessly pushing all of the notebooks and pens off the bed. Youngjae supposed it was a good thing he at least treated his laptop with care.
“What kind of break?” Youngjae asked. “You want to get something to eat?”
“No, uh, not that kind of break,” Kyungmo said. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something. My girlfriend’s parents are going on a trip next weekend and she’ll have the house to herself and she told me she wants me to spend the night then.”
“Oh,” Youngjae said. “So, you two are going to…”
“That’s the plan,” he said. Kyungmo rubbed the back of his neck and his face was getting redder with every word he spoke. “Remember last month? When we…messed around? Could we do that again? I don’t want to embarrass myself when I’m with her.”
He didn’t think what they did was just messing around. It wasn’t like he had that much experience, so what he had done with Kyungmo had felt new and exciting and something he thought they were discovering together. Youngjae didn’t expect Kyungmo to ask him to be his boyfriend or kiss him in public, but he definitely didn’t expect him to get a girlfriend the week after it happened.
“I’m sure she’s not expecting you to be some kind of expert,” Youngjae said. “You’re not going to embarrass yourself.”
“Yeah, but I could impress her by lasting longer than the average guy our age,” Kyungmo said. “Come on, it’s not like I’m the only one getting anything out of this. You told me you were gay. How many other guys are going to let you do this?”
“I’m not gay,” Youngjae said. “I’m bi. I told you that. It’s different.”
“Whatever,” Kyungmo said, rolling his eyes.
Youngjae could tell that he either thought Youngjae was straight and in denial, or gay and in denial. That seemed to be the popular reaction people had whenever someone mentioned being bisexual.
“You seriously want to cheat on your girlfriend?” Youngjae asked.
“It’s not cheating,” Kyungmo said. “I’m not doing it with another girl. Just help me out, okay? I’ll get you off too. No one has to know. We both win.”
It didn’t sound as mutually beneficial to Youngjae as Kyungmo was trying to make it seem. He picked at the skin around one of his nails, frowning deeply and trying to make it look like he was very disappointed in Kyungmo’s poor decisions. They both knew it was an act though.
“Please,” Kyungmo said, putting his hands on Youngjae’s thighs and leaning forward until he could press their foreheads together. “We’re just taking a little study break, having some fun. Help me out, Youngjae-yah. We’re friends, aren’t we?”
Youngjae hadn’t fooled around with that many people, but Kyungmo seemed to think he was an expert. He liked to think that he was only naturally curious. People tended to feel safe with him, like they could be more themselves. It was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because he could easily get closer to people and a curse, because whenever he got close, they would shut him out immediately.
Being with girls was easier. They were sweeter, more open. None of them were embarrassed or ashamed of him or made him feel bad about himself. Youngjae supposed that was only natural. There was nothing wrong with a male beta being with a female beta. It was what was expected of him.
Jerking off one of his male classmates while he breathed in his ear and dug his fingers into his arms wasn’t what was expected of him.
“Give me a second, stop,” Kyungmo said, panting against the skin of his neck. “I was about to come.”
“Isn’t that the idea?” Youngjae said.
“Not so soon,” he said. “I want to try and last longer, remember? For my girlfriend? Try and be gentler. Like you’re nervous.”
“I’m not nervous.”
“Of course not. You’ve done this before.”
Youngjae wanted to stop completely. He couldn’t help but think about the last time he did this with Kyungmo, before he got a girlfriend. The touches weren’t one-sided, they kissed, Kyungmo couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Now, he was looking right past Youngjae at his bedroom wall and he was making no moves to unbuckle his pants and reciprocate.
“Okay, start again,” he said. “Slower this time. You’re trying too hard.”
“I’m just trying to get you off.”
He gripped Kyungmo’s cock again, giving it a gentle stroke before circling the head with his thumb. Youngjae heard his breath hitch in his throat and his hips jerked forward and then he was pushing Youngjae off of him.
“Stop,” Kyungmo said. “You don’t get it.”
“Do you want me to apologize for being better at giving you a hand job than your girlfriend?” Youngjae said.
“No,” he said. “No, fuck, I don’t know.” He ran a hand through his hair, his shoulders dropping. “You just make me feel really good and I…I’m a little freaked out, I guess. I keep thinking about last time.”
“Oh,” Youngjae said. He could feel himself blushing, but he tried not to focus on that. “That’s not a bad thing.”
“It is though,” Kyungmo said. “I don’t want to be gay. It’s cool that you’re okay with being gay and I’m not like, I’m not homophobic or whatever but that’s not – that’s not me.”
Youngjae bit his tongue, trying not to correct him again by telling him that he was bisexual. The worst part about spending time with Kyungmo, especially when this was how they spent their time together, was that he actually liked him. He really liked him.
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” Youngjae said. “I get it. It’s fine. I know you’re not into guys. Being touched feels good. It’s not a big deal.”
“Right, exactly,” Kyungmo said. His relief made Youngjae’s stomach churn. “It’s just a hand. It’s not you that I’m into.”
“Of course not,” Youngjae said. “I never thought that.”
They both nodded, like they were trying to convince themselves that what they were saying was the truth. Youngjae knew that they were both just trying to cover up whatever confusion Kyungmo was feeling.
“So, go for it,” Kyungmo said, grabbing Youngjae’s wrist and bringing his hand back to his cock. “You don’t have to act like my girlfriend. Just do what you want. Like with any of the other guys at our school you’ve hooked up with.”
Two. Youngjae had hooked up with two guys at their school. Kyungmo and a third year who was on the baseball team. It wasn’t the most impressive list, but he wasn’t going to correct him. Let him think that he was more experienced than he actually was. He couldn’t care less.
He took Kyungmo into his hand again, pulling with quick and even strokes, tightening his hand up slightly. It wasn’t anything that he didn’t do when he was jerking himself off. Kyungmo seemed to think he was a master at this, given how loud his breathing was getting and how his fingernails were biting into Youngjae’s skin. He leaned forward, risking a kiss on a patch of skin right under Kyungmo’s ear, right as he spilled over his fist.
And right as Youngjae’s mother opened his bedroom door.
The air around them seemed to completely still. Time felt like it had stopped and Youngjae was able to experience one final second of peace before everything went up in flames.
“What are you two doing?!” she yelled.
Kyungmo pushed away from him, stumbling off the bed and zipping up his pants so quickly that Youngjae thought it was a miracle he didn’t snag his dick on something. He looked frantically from Youngjae to his mother, his eyes wide with panic. For some reason, Youngjae could only think about how he needed to get rid of Kyungmo’s come that was drying on his hand.
“I’ve got to go,” Kyungmo said, grabbing his bag from the floor. “Nothing happened. He-He made me do it, Eomeoni. Please don’t tell my parents I…”
He didn’t finish his statement. Kyungmo rushed out of his room, slipping past Youngjae’s mother. His loud footsteps could be heard clearly throughout the house before the front door slammed shut.
“Clean up,” she said, after a few more long seconds of painful silence. “Come to the kitchen. We’re talking to your father.”
And then she was gone.
Youngjae knew he only had a few minutes to collect himself before his father came to his room and dragged him out of it. He went to the bathroom he shared with his brother across the hall, washing his hands and trying not to let the tears stinging at his eyes fall. His bottom lip started to wobble and he bit his teeth into, forcing it to stop.
He had never felt so humiliated. Kyungmo’s panicked words to his mother kept repeating in his mind over and over again. “He made me do it.” Youngjae felt sick.
“Take a seat,” his father said when he walked into the kitchen.
Youngjae sat down at the table across from his parents. He folded his hands in his lap and looked at the tabletop, his eyes following the lines of the woodgrain.
“We’re not going to tell Kyungmo’s parents,” his mother said.
“Okay,” Youngjae said, hating how small his voice sounded.
“I know some boys do things like that when they’re young,” his father said. “They mess around, but I don’t think you would be this upset if it was just messing around.”
He wasn’t even giving Youngjae a way out. This was a full-on confrontation and he couldn’t defend himself.
“Youngjae, you’ve always been…more sensitive than your siblings,” his mother said. “At first I thought it was just because you’re the youngest, but maybe that’s not why. Are you–”
“I’m bi,” he said.
It was difficult to mask his own surprise at how quickly the words left him. Youngjae finally looked up from the table, to look at his parents’ faces and try and read their reactions. There wasn’t any disgust or pity or shame on their features. They were confused, like he had caught them completely off guard.
“And what does that mean exactly?” his mother asked.
“It means that I…I.” His tongue felt heavy in his mouth and he could suddenly hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears. Saying it was one thing, but going into detail about it was another thing entirely. “I like both. Uh. Girls and…guys. Whoever, really. But only betas. I like betas. All other, uh, betas.”
He had been 12 when he realized that girls weren’t the only ones who grabbed his attention. Youngjae supposed he was lucky to have been so young when he came to terms with his own sexuality. He heard stories of people coming out when they were much older, middle-aged. His realization came during gym class in middle school. It was cliché, like something out of a coming-of-age book, but it was what happened to him.
At first he thought he was open to anyone, but entering high school and actually starting to become intimate with a few people made him realize that alphas and omegas weren’t for him. He liked the neutrality of his fellow betas. There weren’t any ruts or heats to worry about. No weird animal instincts that he couldn’t understand. Sometimes he felt like everyone was infatuated with alphas and omegas except for him. He just didn’t see the appeal.
“You like girls?” his father asked after a minute of excruciating silence. “You still like girls?”
“Yes,” Youngjae said.
“That’s good to hear.” The relief in his voice felt like a sting. “Then you can just focus on that. There are plenty of pretty girls out there.”
“I know,” Youngjae said.
He wanted to tell his father that there were plenty of pretty boys out there too. Pretty non-binary people. Pretty betas. His mouth still felt like it was glued shut though.
Youngjae didn’t want to upset his father either. This interaction was going a lot better than he thought it would, so he didn’t want to push his luck. Especially now that his parents looked like they could breathe again. Their entire bodies weren’t tense anymore, like they were bracing for impact.
“You can do that, can’t you?” his father said. “Just worry about the part of you that likes girls. You can have a good life that way.”
That wasn’t how it worked though. There wasn’t a “part” of him that liked girls. All of him liked girls. It wasn’t like he was suppressing sides of himself. That wasn’t–
Explaining it to his parents wouldn’t do any good. They were kind, but old-fashioned. In their eyes, what he did with Kyungmo was an incident that didn’t need to be repeated. They had solved the case. Their youngest child could be normal if he only put his mind to it.
“I can do that,” Youngjae said. “Besides, I like girls a lot more. It’s not 50/50. So, it’s fine.” He hated himself a little bit with every word he spoke. “I’m sorry, Eomma. I shouldn’t have–”
“We won’t mention it again,” she said. She reached her hand across the table, palm up like she was expecting to be given something. He put one of his own hands over hers. “We love you, Youngjae.”
“I love you, too,” he said.
“Next time you have a friend over, the door stays open,” his father said. “No more going over to other people’s houses to study either. I don’t know how to tell their parents that you might–”
“Okay,” Youngjae said. “I get it. I’m sorry.” He stood up from the table, feeling his eyes start to sting again. “Am I excused?”
“I suppose we can finish our talk later,” his mother said. “Go on.”
He left the kitchen and went right back to his room without looking back at them. Youngjae shut his door behind him before sinking down on to the floor, putting his face in his hands. He tried to tell himself that he was lucky. Other boys got beat to a bloody pulp for getting caught doing what he had done. Other boys got kicked out of their homes. He was so lucky. He had no reason to cry.
His phone, that he had left charging on his desk, started to vibrate. Youngjae tried to ignore it at first, but it kept going, like he was being called again and again. He stayed on the floor, crawling over to his desk and reaching up to take his phone. Kyungmo’s name appeared on the screen and he tried to even his breathing before he answered it.
“Youngjae?” he said. “It’s you, right? Are you okay? What did your parents–”
“I didn’t make you do anything,” Youngjae said. “You’re the one who asked me to touch you.”
There was a pause of silence so long that he thought Kyungmo had hung up before he finally spoke again.
“I panicked,” he said. “And it’s not like…it’s not like I wanted that. Last time we did that, you were so pushy about it. I was just going along with it. The other guys in our class all know about you. I bet you’ve done it with all of them. I just wanted to see what the big deal was–”
“Fuck off, Kyungmo,” Youngjae said before hanging up.
The phone continued to ring, but he ignored it. His hands were shaking and all he could think about was how Kyungmo was going to cover his tracks. Youngjae didn’t have any plans of telling anyone what happened, but Kyungmo didn’t know that. What would he tell their classmates about him tomorrow morning? What would he tell his girlfriend? Youngjae had no idea.
What he did know was that he needed to pass that audition. He needed to get out of Mokpo as quickly as possible.
And he was never going to let himself have feelings for a straight guy who only saw him as an experiment ever again.