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The heart attack isn’t the last straw for Pepper; more the not telling her part.
“The Avengers were there,” Tony protests, as she packs up her stuff and looks at him with red, swollen eyes. “It wasn’t like I was alone.”
“Then I guess you won’t be without company when I’m gone, too,” Pepper says, throwing her resignation down on the table and storming out of there.
Tony rips it up and throws it away without looking at it. She’ll be back.
“I just didn’t want to worry her,” Tony says.
“Mmhmm.”
“It was only a tiny myocardial incident, Thor zapped me right back up.”
“Mmhmm.”
“Was it unreasonable not to tell her?”
“You’re not the best judge at that, to be fair.”
“How is that fair?” Tony demands.
“It’s 2am in the morning and no one is on fire.”
“So?”
“You promised that you would only wake me after midnight if it was an emergency,” Rhodey says, with a remarkable amount of patience considering how irate he probably should be.
“It’s always after midnight,” Tony says, after a pause.
“Guess you just proved my point for me,” Rhodey says, and hangs up.
“Look, it’s not unreasonable to keep a little white lie here or there,” Tony starts. “Why are you screaming at me. Rhodey. C’mon. Is that a gun in your pants or are you just pleased to see me. You’re not going to shoot me—hey! You shot me!”
“I shot at you.”
“It hit me!”
“It took a dent out of your hair.”
“Abuse. I’ve been abused. I feel unsafe.”
“Good! And I shoulda aimed lower, no jury on earth would convict me for this.”
“For shooting America’s greatest nuclear deterrent? Uh yeah, they would.”
“For shooting the idiot who climbed through my window at 3am in the morning just because I hung up on them, they wouldn’t!" Rhodey sighs, long and suffering. "So are you staying over or not?"
"Obviously I'm staying over," Tony says, and promptly climbs into Rhodey's bed. Rhodey starts spluttering, but does close the window, and doesn't demand his pillow back. Rhodey's the absolute best.
"So you're just living with me now?" Rhodey says. He sounds kind of irked by that, for someone who spent the last four nights cuddling Tony like a limpet.
"Guess so," Tony chirps.
"Hm," Rhodey says, eloquently.
"Can you believe he called me messy, Pep?" Tony's lying down on her desk, using her keyboard as a pillow; ergonomic, his ass, the curve isn't doing anything for his neck placement.
"Tony." There's a low note in Pepper's voice that's somewhat baffling. It's the kind of voice she uses whenever Justin Hammer tries to pay them a personal visit, a tone that says she's four seconds from putting a stiletto heel through someone's soft parts. "You know I don't work for you anymore, right?"
Tony waves a hand. "I'm good at overlooking personal faults."
Rhodey's lecture is eloquent, impassioned, and polysyllabic; something-something Tony take your head out of your own ass, blah-blah-blah.
"I had to come bail you out of jail," Rhodey hisses.
"Pep was being unreasonable," Tony says.
"You broke into her new workplace, harassed her, and wouldn't leave when security asked you to. You're damn lucky they've decided not to press charges, Tones."
Tony waves a hand dismissively. "I have all the best lawyers in the city, they knew if they actually pressed charges I'd sue the shit out of them."
"You can do that, but you can't pick up after yourself?" Rhodey throws a sock at Tony.
"We're talking about my pain here, Rhodey. Not yours."
For some reason, Rhodey starts yelling incoherently.
"I just—didn't think she meant it," Tony says. It's easier to be honest in the dark.
"The restraining order?"
"Breaking up with me."
"You're not the easiest person to live with sometimes, Tony."
"Hey, that hurts. In my soft places."
"Well, your soft places don't even know how to use a laundry basket."
"Do you think if I learned to use a laundry basket Pep would take me back?"
"Do you want her to?"
Tony hums. "I do get less Rhodey cuddles when I'm dating other people."
"Are you making fun of me?"
"I'm not—I'm not! Hey, Rhodey, come back. Come back!"
"Tell me why I should!"
"So that you can tell me what a laundry basket looks like?"
Rhodey growls and slams the bedroom door as he leaves.
"I didn't think you'd still be here," Rhodey says, slowly. He looks tired. Whatever mission the Air Force sent him on, it's obviously been bad; he looks exhausted.
"I haven't been here the full six weeks," Tony defends. "I did leave. For a bit." He beams. "Had to learn how to do laundry the muggle way."
"The muggle way?"
"Y'know, instead of paying obscene money to someone not to have to think about it."
"You...did my laundry? Yourself?"
"I resent the implication in your tone." Tony pauses. "Fine, okay, I paid a service. But I carried it to the door myself."
"There's the Tony Stark I know and love," Rhodey sighs, throwing himself down on the sofa next to him.
Tony looks at him speculatively, but Rhodey's already asleep and snoring.
"I do not snore," Rhodey says, as Tony ushers him up the stairs to bed.
"You do. It's adorable."
"I highly resent that. Nothing I do is adorable," Rhodey says, and then promptly and adorably snuggles up to Tony as soon as Tony joins him in the bed.
The sheets, freshly laundered thanks to Tony's own fair hands (and the laundry service he hired), do smell really nice. Maybe Rhodey's got a point about cleanliness in the home.
"Okay, what's wrong now?" Rhodey sighs.
Tony snuffles. He's lying on the floor. Rhodey's carpet isn't very soft. That's a big flaw. Rhodey should move in with him to his mansion on 5th Avenue. The carpets there are all very soft.
"Nothing," Tony says.
Rhodey makes a loud crinkling noise—picking up the empty chip packets surrounding Tony's head. "Then you haven't spent the entire day eating your feelings?"
"Of course not," Tony says. "Only half the day. And I was only testing out the commercial. Apparently I can't only eat one. Who knew?"
"Only freaks eat a single potato chip," Rhodey says, and lies down next to Tony. He doesn't seem as bothered about the carpet.
"I once saw Steve Rogers eat a single potato chip."
"I rest my case."
"You're the best, Rhodey."
"So why are you eating your feelings?"
"I take it back. You're not the best. The best would let me wallow, and maybe feed me cheesecake."
"Tony—"
"Pepper's dating someone else."
Rhodey hums. "Do I need to help you move a body?"
"I retract my retraction: you are the best."
"Duh," Rhodey says. "I could have told you that."
Tony exhales. He closes his eyes. "Pepper's really never going to date me again, isn't she?"
Rhodey takes his hand, his grip strong and warm and reassuring. "She really isn't," he says, softly. Tony rolls over and rests his head on Rhodey's shoulder, sighing loudly. "But… maybe that's not a bad thing." His grip tightens. "It means you're free to date… someone else."
"Yeah," Tony sighs. "There is that. I am a catch."
Rhodey laughs. "I suppose you are."
"You suppose?" Tony howls, opening his eyes wide. "I retract my retraction of my retraction. You're the worst, James Rhodes. The very worst."
"Yep. Can't think of anyone else in this very room that designation might apply to more."
"Tony—what did you do?"
Tony looks at the papers all over the floor. "I'm doing math. Complex math."
Rhodey holds up one of the large pieces of paper draped over his favorite armchair. "This reads loud chewers; judgmental eyebrows; flowing locks that are better than mine… What kind of math is it?"
"I'm just trying to figure out what kind of person I should be dating next," Tony nods. "Mostly I've narrowed it down to who I don't want to date. One person. One."
"And who's that?"
"Thor." Tony wrinkles his mouth. "Although he does tick some of the characteristics is my preferential column—has saved my life before; has muscles for days; is ridiculously handsome—he ticks all my mandatory nos."
"I'm sure he'll be very devastated." Rhodey picks across the paper and sits down next to Tony, leaning over his shoulder to look at the chart Tony was currently making. "Hey, why am I in the 'probably not' column?!"
"You do have very judgmental eyebrows, honey buns," Tony says.
Rhodey pauses and then shrugs, accepting it. "I'm going to make dinner."
"Mm, you will make someone an acceptable wife someday, Rhodey."
"Make sure this is all cleaned up by the time it's done or you're not getting any."
"You're such a slave driver," Tony sighs.
Rhodey stares at him. "You know that's one of those things you say that's kind of inappropriate, right?"
"Isn't that everything I say?"
Rhodey just sighs, loudly.
Rhodey's quiet when it comes to night-time. Quieter than usual. Tony shuffles awkwardly.
"Are you giving me the silent treatment?" Tony asks.
"No." Rhodey huffs, climbing into bed and staring up at the ceiling. "It's just—you put all your trash in the wrong place. It's paper. It should have gone in with the rest of the paper recycling."
"So you're giving me the silent treatment because I'm me and can't follow simple domestic instructions?"
"No. That's not what I'm saying. I moved it for you already."
"Good." Tony pauses. "I am sorry. I'll do better next time. I am trying to be a better house guest."
"I don't think guest is the right word, not when you've been here nearly half a year already."
"Roommate, then," Tony amends. "Technically bedmate, although that implies sexy times, and you've been disappointingly and stubbornly clothed every night. Do you know how much that wounds me?"
"It's just—I didn't mean to read it. But… You crossed judgmental eyebrows off your mandatory negative list."
"Well. It didn't seem all that important. Y'know. In the end."
"Okay," Rhodey says and settles down to sleep.
"Okay." Tony sits up, dislodging Rhodey from his favorite spot on Tony's shoulder. Rhodey grunts, displeased. "Okay?"
Rhodey sighs. "What was I supposed to say?"
"Something else," Tony waves his hands expansively. "Something more than okay! I did math! You're practically my perfect guy!"
"I mean, I could have told you months ago that I was perfect."
Tony makes a strangled noise. "And people say I have a giant ego!"
"You do."
"That's beside the point. Behind it. Above it? Where are points kept?"
"Usually far away from you," Rhodey says.
"Mean," Tony says.
"Mmmhmm," Rhodey agrees. "And you like it. Now lie down so we can get some sleep."
"Bossy."
"You like that too."
"I really do," Tony sighs.
"Where are you going?" Tony asks.
"It's early. Go back to sleep," Rhodey says.
"I can't. You stopped cuddling me. When you're not there, I can't sleep. You've ruined me for life, Rhodey."
"Sucks to be you." Rhodey grins at him in the dim light. "I'm gonna be gone a few weeks. Try not to burn my house down in the meantime?"
"I make no promises," Tony sulks.
Rhodey left in the middle of the night; he comes back during the middle of another one.
"You're cold," Tony complains.
"Sorry," Rhodey breathes. "I was trying not to wake you."
Tony hums under his breath. "Welcome home," he mumbles, tugging Rhodey close. "I re-did the equations when you were gone."
"Yeah?"
"You're definitely my perfect guy."
"I'm everyone's perfect guy." Rhodey leans up and presses a kiss to Tony's mouth. "Now shut up and go to sleep."
"Wait. That's it? That's—your response to me—baring my heart to you?"
"How was that you baring your heart?"
"Well, it was a compliment. Given freely. You know they're hard for me."
"I do. I appreciate your attempt."
"My attempt? I resent discovering sometimes I'm hard for you, I really do."
"Well, unless that's happening right now, shut up and let me sleep."
"So mean," Tony sighs.
"We've covered that you like that."
"I suppose."
"And you're infuriating."
"If I am, you've put up with me for this long, so you must like it."
Rhodey is the one to sigh this time. "I suppose I do."
Rhodey waits until Tony's brushed his teeth to kiss him in the morning.
Tony means to protest, because it's so out of nowhere, but Rhodey's a hell of a kisser, it would be rude to stop him midway. Rhodey strips Tony efficiently, walks him back to the bed, and pushes him down; Tony finds himself laughing and reaching for Rhodey immediately.
"What was that for?" Tony asks breathlessly, when it's over and Rhodey's half-starfished on top of him.
"For a genius," Rhodey mumbles into his neck, "you're pretty stupid sometimes."
Rhodey follows it up by patting Tony on the ass and promptly falling asleep again.
"It's nice that you're dating Rhodey now," Pepper says.
Tony stares at her. She graciously accepted his invite to dinner, although it might be because he's picking up the check and it is a three-star restaurant. "I'm what?"
"Rhodey said you were."
Tony hums under his breath. "I'm not dating him."
"But you are living with him."
"Yes."
"And sleeping with him."
"Sharing a bed sleeping," Tony corrects. "But yes, sex too. Lots of sex. Sweaty, athletic bendy sex."
"Too much information, but—how is that not dating?"
"It's Rhodey." Tony waves his fork at her.
"Ah, yeah, you have a point," Pepper says. "I suppose after all your years of flirting with him, it makes sense that you've skipped dating and gone straight to basically married."
"Straight is entirely the wrong word," Tony points out, gleeful to be able to correct her.
"That's what you rush to clarify? Not the part where you're basically married to Rhodey?"
Tony thinks about it. "Huh. I suppose you're right."
Pepper looks smug. "I usually am."
"So," Tony says, "seeing as we're basically married, can we get a cat, or does your lease not allow it?"
Rhodey pulls off Tony and stares at him in confusion. "You want to talk about this now?"
"You're right," Tony sighs, "I'm a billionaire, I could buy whoever you lease this house from." He pauses. "You didn't protest the basically married part."
Rhodey makes an amused noise. "Was I supposed to?"
Tony thinks about it. "Probably?"
"Hm. How about we go back to having sex, and you stop talking, unless it's to say nice, soft encouraging things, or compliments."
"That doesn't sound like me."
"I know," Rhodey sighs. "It was worth a try."
It's not like Tony's always at Rhodey's house. There's work to do. His company always needs his attention. The Avengers are always whining at him to turn up and help them track down Loki and the staff. But going away to do those things does seem infinitely better when he has a Rhodey to come home to.
He's contemplating convincing Rhodey to drop the basically part of basically married while he works. The Avengers are deep in a forest, attacking some sort of Hydra base. Tony has a vision about everyone dying and blaming Tony for it. It's very not awesome. He's looking forward to going home and cuddling the shit out of Rhodey to get over it.
Going home's delayed though, because Hydra are freaks and have enhanceds running around; one of them's taking running to the extreme, becoming a giant blur through the trees, smashing Clint Barton hilariously on his ass.
Tony himself gets knocked over a few minutes later; he glares up at the culprit, a silver-haired kid with a smirk and way too much attitude.
"What," the speedster snarks, "you didn't see this coming, Stark?"
It doesn't sound like he likes Tony much.
"I didn't," Tony says. "But then I also didn't notice I was basically married to my best friend until last month, so I wouldn't say seeing things is my forte right now. Unless you count hallucinations of space whales and corpses, then yes, I'm good at seeing that."
The speedster squints at him, confused.
Tony shrugs back. He's had a weird year.
"I think," Tony says, slowly, "the world might be ending. Maybe the entire universe."
"You don't sound too sure."
"I'm sure." Tony rolls over and stares at Rhodey. "I'm pretty damn sure."
Rhodey stares back at him in the dim light and cups Tony's face with both of his hands. "Then tell me what to do. Let's figure out how not to let the world end." Rhodey's mouth lifts in a brief smile. "I'm kind of fond of it. I'd rather it didn't end."
Tony smiles back, even though he's a little terrified. "I'll figure it out."
"Now you sound certain."
"Of course I am," Tony says. "I have you. What else do I need?"
"A tiny bit more social awareness," Rhodey says. "And some new socks, all yours have holes in. And probably a sexual harassment class because you smacked my ass in front of your new interns and I think one of them fainted when they saw it. And—"
"I didn't mean you should actually start listing what I needed," Tony huffs. "I was trying to be romantic, you dick."
"Terrible attempt. Three out of ten. Faulty on the dismount."
"You're such an asshole. I don't know why I love you."
"Four out of ten."
"I didn't need you to pity re-score me."
"I was scoring your second attempt to be romantic."
"What?"
"Your love confession."
"I tell you I love you all the time. It's not my fault you think I'm joking."
"It's a little bit your fault."
Tony sniffs. It probably is.
"I do love you too," Rhodey says, later, after Tony has athletically attempted a couple of bendy and sweaty maneuvers designed to get Rhodey to score him at least a twelve out of ten for romance.
"As you should," Tony says, promptly.
Rhodey sighs. "I don't know what I expected."