Ever Thus

by WrappedUp

Summary:

“Right, well I’d say it’s about time to put an end to this nonsense, wouldn’t you?” James nodded sagely. “You’ve obviously still got some things to chat through with him, but he will talk to you about it, Remus. He thinks the world of you, you know that. But the important thing is that you do talk because nothing’s going to get sorted if you just sit cry-wanking in your room.”

The world is excruciating and enthralling in equal measure. The gang try their hardest to navigate it as real, legitimate adults.

Chapter 1: September

If James Potter suddenly died and each of them had to pick a fond memory to remember him by, Remus was certain they would all choose the same one; his incredible, inimitable way with a bowling ball. Honestly, it was astonishing.

Remus watched as he grappled with his too-long limbs in a desperate attempt to align his body enough to firstly release the ball at an appropriate moment, and secondly throw it into the right lane. As he bowled, he emitted an almighty huff which betrayed the effort he invariably injected into his favourite past time. He reminded Remus of a baby deer, slipping and sliding around on an ice-rink, and he was astonished he was ever able to hit a pin. But the thing was, he did hit them. And he wasn’t even that bad. Of the six of them, he was normally a solid mid-table; above Lily and Peter, of course.

“Strike! I got a strike!” James hollered in delight and scooped Lily into his arms, determined to milk the moment for all it was worth. She rolled her eyes fondly and explained to him that this was, in fact, his third strike of the game, and was he going to celebrate in this way every single time?

But of course he was.

“It’s a good job he’s not as good as Sirius, Lil. The whole game would be nothing but dramatic embraces,” Remus quirked an eyebrow towards the boys as Sirius picked up his trusted ball, which he had, ridiculously, named Esmeralda.

Sirius was good at bowling. Really good. That he would come first whenever they played was a given. The rest would all play for second place as if that were the real achievement. The same went for darts, pool, table football – really any pastime that required hand-eye coordination and could be perfected with a pint in hand. He had played for the rugby and lacrosse teams at university and still played rugby now but had long accepted that his real love was pub-based sport, especially if there was some sort of wager involved. Not that he needed the money.

Sirius waggled his eyebrows outrageously as he glided towards the lane and gracefully dispatched his faithful Esmeralda who weightlessly careered towards the pins. Strike.

“It’s too much, Black!” Marlene huffed, shoving her hands into her dungaree pockets and flicking her turquoise hair back in disgust. “You’re too much!”

“My life is a mess, McKinnon. At least let me have this.” Sirius flashed his prizewinning grin her way and she rolled her eyes.

“Alright, pretty boy. But you only get bragging rights for one day this time.”

“But oh, what a day!” he sang, sniggering in an offhand way at the sight of Remus’s less than stellar attempt at knocking down two pins which stood on opposite sides of the lane, instead sending the ball straight down the middle. “Unlucky, mate.”

“Oh fuck off,” Remus nudged him in the side playfully. “Anyone for another pint?”

“I’ll help,” Sirius nodded, and the two headed off to the brightly lit bar for another pitcher of tasteless, overpriced lager. “Where’s lover boy tonight then?” Sirius turned to Remus, head cocked to one side. The barmaid fussed around him and fluttered her eyelashes but he just smiled tightly and turned back to Remus.

“He’s at this faculty dinner thing. Black tie. Asked if I wanted to go with, but I couldn’t really afford to hire a tux and the ticket alone was sixty quid. Besides, I always hate those things.”

“I see. And when’s he heading back to Italia?”

“Monday. This Monday. It’s come ‘round so quickly. We kept saying we had all summer, but it turns out that’s not very long when you’re both working the whole time.”

Remus had met his boyfriend Marco on his year abroad to Rome during his degree three years before. Their eyes had met across the library and the rest was history. Marco was slightly older and had already finished his degree, so once they had established that there was no living without each other, it was the natural choice that he would do his PHD back in the UK while Remus finished his studies. But then Remus had decided to do a Masters, and would almost certainly go on to do a PHD. Marco missed Rome and his funding had run out. Remus loved Italy but didn’t want to move back – it was too hot, too bureaucratic, and the public transport was patchy at best.

And so it was decided. Marco would go back and Remus would stay in Cardiff with his PHD and the friends (or more like family now) that he had made in the first week of the first year at university, now a disturbingly long time ago. Neither of them wanted to break up, and Rome really wasn’t that far away, so they decided they would stick it out, long distance, until Remus actually did finish his studies. They felt good about the decision, and confident that they could make it work. Remus tried to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach when he thought about the fact that they wouldn’t wake up next to each other every morning, and wouldn’t be able to take each other’s clothes off whenever the urge hit.

“How are you feeling about it all?” Sirius asked, taking the pitcher from the barmaid and thanking her, while also retracting his hand as quickly as possible from hers as her fingers brushed his.

“Sad.” Remus finally admitted to himself, taking in a sharp breath and staring at his feet. “Yeah, pretty sad.”

“Well that’s allowed, mate. You guys have been together for donkey’s years!”

“Three years, Sirius. Three years. It’s not that long,” Remus quirked an eyebrow.

“It’s a fucking lifetime,” Sirius laughed softly, his eyes bright. He gestured back towards the lanes, indicating that they should return to their friends. Remus nodded and pushed down the sigh building in his chest. It would be fine.

They made their way back to the lanes, where everyone had taken a seat. Sirius slammed the pitcher down on the table triumphantly to cheers from the group. In one swift movement, he picked up Esmeralda and bowled another perfect ten, much to the chagrin of Remus who followed his spotless performance with a mediocre eight.

When Sirius had trounced them thoroughly enough, they decided to retire to their local pub, the Coven, where the beer was well kept and the jukebox loud. It was the sort of place that would have once been smoke-filled and rough but since the smoking ban, they had refurbished it and started to serve the most generously filled sandwiches this side of the city. The clientele now was younger, a bit more hip. They had discovered this place as students and decided that the dearth of other students, and the fact that the dart board was usually unoccupied, made it a winner.

The six of them had converged in Cardiff but came from all over. James was from Hampshire, Sirius from London, Marlene from Montreal, Remus from a village up north, Lily from the Cotswolds, and Peter from Leicester. Remus suspected that ninety percent of their friendship was based on the fact that they could mock each others’ accents ruthlessly and be incredibly classist towards each other. Remus often bore the brunt of this, with his soft northern accent and humble background, but he gave as good as he got to the ‘posh boys’ James and Sirius.

Quite why they had ended up staying was beyond them. Remus was most obvious as he liked the languages faculty at Cardiff University, and they liked him. He would become a professor there one day, probably – it was the natural choice for him.

James had started his training as a solicitor in a national firm, so he could have gone just about anywhere. But he would obviously go wherever Lily went, and Lily wanted to stay. She was working for a small engineering firm which was trying to find a way to make tampons lighter and more absorbent. She had taken the job out of desperation but actually found that she liked it tremendously.

Peter was working as the ‘Post Boy’ in a high rise office. The office vending machine was excellent and he liked the work just fine.

Marlene had fallen in love, then swiftly out again, with a Brit. A female Brit. And those were the two reasons she thought it a bad idea to return home to her conservative Catholic parents. She had done politics with gender studies, and was working for a local women’s aid charity that ensured the city’s displaced, abused, hungry women had a safe place to go. She loved it.

Sirius wasn’t quite sure what he was doing with his life, but figured he may as well do it here. He loved the city, which had more heart than London. He wasn’t exactly using his architecture degree, but he did have three jobs at present: one as an under-twelves rugby coach; another delivering sandwiches to hungry office workers; and the third here, in the Coven where he pulled pints and accrued free drinks like it was what he was born to do. Remus knew that they would all go their separate ways one day, but he was glad it wasn’t yet.

Sirius hopped behind the bar, pulling them each a pint and slipping a twenty into the till. When he returned, Remus was struck by how… happy he looked. Sirius had always had a devil may care approach to life, but there was always a sadness that underpinned it, what with everything that had happened with his family. Remus didn’t know everything, but did know that they had been abusive and that there had been a particular incident where he had ended up in hospital as a child. He gathered that they saw Sirius as a threat to the family name, with his long hair, lethal charisma, and ‘dangerous liberal views’. Sirius, in turn, despised them and had no desire to ever go back to them again. There had been two exceptions: his cousin Andi and his Uncle Alphard, but Alphard had bitten the dust a couple of years before. Alphard had always rejected the extremist views of the family and liked his nephew immensely, perhaps seeing something of himself in his rebellion. When he died, he left a surprise inheritance to Sirius, though he was not a big spender. It was a decent amount and he figured one day he might need it, so it sat in the bank for a rainy day. It was by far the most sensible choice Sirius had made, Remus thought.

Sirius, after impressing everyone with the fact that he could carry six pints, set them down on the table and waved off their thanks.

“What’s this then?” James asked, lifting his pint to the light and giving it a dubious sniff.

“House bitter,” Sirius said. “It’s cheap.”

“Bitter is right,” James creased up his face after taking a sip. “Hey, why is Remus’s different?”

“It’s IPA,” Sirius shrugged, “Remus likes IPA.” Remus gave him a small flicker of a smile. He did like IPA.

“But I like IP-” Peter began, but Remus interrupted.

“Thanks, mate.”

“Any time,” Sirius nodded, looking distractedly around the room. “I thought Hayley was working tonight.”

“Who’s Hayley?” Peter asked, craning his neck to see the woman who must be Hayley.

“New barmaid,” Sirius explained. “She’s cool. You’d like her, Pete.”

“Oh what, I’d like her because she’s a girl and I like all girls and have zero standards?” Asked Pete, used by now to being mocked by his friends for his broad tastes and limited success with women. “How come Remus never gets this shit?”

“No, Pete. You’d like her because she’s funny and cute and has delicious come hither eyes,” Sirius corrected. “And Remus doesn’t get this shit because he is hella gay and deeply in love with the lovely Marco.” Remus shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“It sounds like maybe you’d like her, Sirius,” Marlene observed loudly, the fourth pint of the evening beginning to get her to the un-subtle state they had all come to know and love about her.

“No.” Sirius said quickly and calmly, taking his phone out of his pocket and scrolling absent-mindedly.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Sirius!” she admonished, “your standards are completely unrealistic, you know this yes? The perfect woman does not exist.”

“Well in that case, I’ll stay single for now, thank you!” Sirius’s eyes gleamed and Marlene rolled hers, jabbing him lightly in the side. “Who’s quizzing tomorrow, then?”

“I’m in,” James nodded while tying his crisp packet into a neat little bow.

“And me,” Lily concurred.

“Marco and I are in.”

“Marlene? We need your exquisite lady knowledge,” Sirius tried his best puppydog eyes.

“My exquisite lady knowledge will sadly be lacking, Black. I have a date.”

“A date! With a real person?”

“Yes, thank you, Sirius. Her name is Bella. Bella Black. Any relation of yours?”

“Oh, fuck! She’s my cousin. Fucking basketcase - you want to stay away from that one.”

“I bloody hate it when men go on about women and say they’re crazy just because they’re a bit different,” Marlene moaned, “you all do it and it’s bullshit.”

Sirius turned to her and smirked infuriatingly. “Right, my bad, I’ll let you make up your own mind about her.”

“Thank you.”

“Is nobody going to ask me what I’m up to on quiz night?” Peter whinged in the corner.

“Pete, you’ve never missed a single quiz!” Sirius glanced at the small boy, amused.

“Well, as it happens,” Pete said haughtily, “I have plans tomorrow. I have panto auditions.”

“I’m sorry?” Sirius asked, agog.

“I’m auditioning for the pantomime in Canton Village Hall. Snow White this year.”

“A pantomime? As in one of those play things but with cross dressing?” Sirius asked.

“Yes, exactly. If I’m going to get a part, I’d quite like to be the Huntsman. You know, the one who lures Snow White into the woods and is meant to kill her but he can’t stomach it so he finds some pig and kills that instead. Then he gives the pig’s heart to the evil queen so she thinks he didn’t pussy out. He doesn’t have to sing so it’d be ideal.”

“Sounds good, mate. What do you have to do for the audition?”

“I’m singing a song from Les Mis, Empty Chairs at Empty Tables. Then I have to read a monologue,” Peter blushed. “Not looking forward to it much, if I’m honest. Emily is making me go.”

Emily was not Peter’s girlfriend. He had been very clear about that for the last three years, and she had been even clearer. She was a girl he had met on his course. He was the one she went to for validation and to complain about the boys she was seeing. And Peter... well, he let her. He had tried to put the moves in once but she told him that she saw him as a brother and that she really hoped they could still be friends. So that’s what they did. And it seemed that Peter had accepted his fate, while simultaneously holding a torch to the girl, whom the others thought to be remarkably average.

“I’m sure you’ll smash it, Peter.” Remus encouraged, secretly not hugely confident that would be the case.

“Can I take your empties, guys?” A slim woman dressed in black from head to toe with long, purple hair and an eyebrow piercing leant over the table and picked up the numerous empty glasses. “Oh hey, Sirius. How’s it going?”

“Hayley, we were just talking about you,” Sirius beamed. “Guys, this is Hayley, Hayley, Guys.”

Remus watched as both Peter and Marlene sat up straighter in their seats. Hayley balanced an impressive number of glasses easily in her arms while she and Sirius discussed shift patterns and the recent antics of the pub’s regulars.

“Lovely to meet you all,” Hayley flashed a smile as someone appeared at the bar to be served. “See you at the quiz tomorrow, Sirius.” She wandered over to the bar, elegantly placed the glasses down and began to pour a pint.

“I love her,” Peter gasped, as soon as she was out of earshot.

“Shocker,” James chuckled fondly, ruffling Peter’s hair as he got up to go to the loo.

“Anyone have a quid for the jukebox?” Sirius asked, getting to his feet. Remus dutifully handed over some shrapnel from his pocket, picked up a leaflet and began to read about vegan brewing techniques. Marlene and Lily started talking about a new exhibition they wanted to go to at the museum, and set a date for the following Saturday.

The room filled with wicked-sounding guitar as Sirius put on The Strokes and set about making his other selections.

Well I don’t feel better when I’m fucking around, and I don’t write better when I’m stuck in the ground.

Remus liked this song which was a firm jukebox favourite of Sirius’s. He let the sound of the music and the chatter of his friends wash over him and he felt uncharacteristically calm. Perhaps it was the beer. He briefly thought of Marco and felt a pang of guilt as he thought, for the first time, that perhaps life with him elsewhere would be bearable.

And I’m sorry you were thinking I would steal your fire. Oh the heart beats in its cage. Yes, the heart beats in its cage.

Sirius and James came back to the table simultaneously and started bemoaning the fact that they hadn’t been to the beach in weeks. They agreed that they would go the following weekend, if the weather was good enough. Marco would be gone by then, Remus thought to himself. Nobody noticed his sigh.

The next morning, Remus woke up to his phone vibrating unreasonably loudly. He fumbled for it and saw that it was Marco, who really was the only person he was willing to be woken up by.

“Hey,” he croaked, voice still crackley with sleep.

“Morning gorgeous,” Marco crooned down the line, “how’s it going?”

“You sound far too awake considering you were up till the early hours. Did you have a good time? Are you not hungover?”

“Super hungover. But the night was good, yes. It was nice to be able to just enjoy it without having to beg, borrow and rob some more funding. Will you come over and look after me? Need my bello Remusino.”

“It’s beg, borrow and steal,” Remus smiled. “I’ll have a shower and a cuppa then I’ll come round, okay?”

“Okay.” He could hear Marco grinning on the other end of the phone. “Oh, and Remus? Bring snacks. I don’t want to leave the bed all day.”

A stab of excitement ran through Remus as he thought about the day that lay ahead of him. Getting naked with the man he loved was in at least the top three ways he could think of to fill the time. He showered quickly, did some rudimentary pubic topiary and put on a crisp white shirt which he paired with the jeans that made his bum look good. His hair was behaving and as he examined himself in the mirror, he reckoned he looked fairly shaggable, which really was the best he could hope for. He strolled into the kitchen where Sirius was sat in his boxers, clutching a cup of coffee and scrolling through his phone. He looked up when Remus walked in and breathed in sharply.

“Why so fancy?” he asked, placing his phone on the table.

“Not fancy, just ironed.” Remus brushed a crease from his arm and quickly downed a glass of water from the tap.

“Off to Marco’s then?” Sirius asked, dusting a speck of fluff off his pants.

“Yeah, we’re just going to hang out,” Remus replied, sitting himself at the table. “Are you planning on putting any clothes on today?”

“I plan to be as naked as possible for as long as possible,” Sirius responded, stretching obscenely.

“And me,” Remus said, raising an eyebrow suggestively and eliciting a surprised gasp of laughter from Sirius.

“The key difference here is that I will be woefully alone with just my hand for company,” Sirius said, picking his phone back up and scrolling once more.

“You know,” Remus said after a moment, standing up and putting his cup in the dishwasher, “there are plenty of women who would give their left arm to keep you company on a randy Thursday morning. And I know what you’re going to say, but Hayley really would be perfect for you. She’s like the female version of you!”

Sirius shrugged, “Not my type.”

“Oh Sirius! Nobody’s ever going to live up to your ridiculously high standards, are they?” Remus shook his head in disbelief.

Sirius fixed him with a slightly sad, loaded look. “Guess not,” he said, looking back down at his phone.

“Right, I’m off then. See you at the quiz later, yes?”

Sirius nodded, “Yeah, see you later. Oh, and Remus?” he said softly, just as Remus was walking out of the door. He turned round inquisitively. “You look nice,” Sirius said matter-of-factly. Remus coughed blushing, wrapped himself in his jacket, and set off on foot for Marco’s.

Once Remus reached Marco’s with a bag full of baked goods and a bottle of Lucozade, the sun had emerged, making the day warm and pleasant. Marco opened the door and grunted appreciatively, less at the sight of the snacks, and more at the sight of his scrubbed up boyfriend.

“You look hot,” he huffed, pulling Remus inside the house and straight into his room. He kissed Remus surely and slowly. They knew every inch of each other but Marco never failed to excite him. He took Marco’s face in his hands for a moment, wanting to remember every detail. His dark hair was clean and damp from the shower and fell slightly over his face. He wore sexy, designer glasses and a tight t-shirt. His blue eyes were sexy and confident, and his lips were really the nicest thing he could think of. He kissed him back, slowly, sensually, feeling the press of his lips and the strain of the bulge in his jeans against him. He slid his tongue into his mouth as Marco’s hands slid slowly down his body and onto his bum. He suddenly felt that he needed so much more. He grabbed greedily at his boyfriend and the kiss quickly turned filthy and urgent. He unbuckled Marco’s belt and slid his jeans down to his knees, pushing him onto the bed and straddling him. He practically tore his t-shirt off and gently took a nipple between his teeth, immensely enjoying Marco’s gasps as he did so. He took his own shirt off and pressed up against Marco, chest to chest, kissing him and kissing him and kissing him.

Marco moaned impatiently and flipped Remus onto his back, pulling his jeans and pants down in one smooth motion as his cock sprang free. Marco kissed down his torso and took him into his mouth in one. Remus gasped, clutching the duvet as he felt Marco’s lips and tongue going to work. “Fuck, oh God you’re so fucking good at this,” he enthused, closing his eyes and melting into the moment.

“I’m spent,” Marco panted as they both flopped into bed afterwards, their slowly softening dicks sensitive and satisfied.

“That was so hot,” Remus croaked.

“There’s more where that came from,” Marco said sultrily, placing little butterfly kisses over Remus’s chest, and whispering sweet nothings in Italian. Remus’s breathing hitched as he felt his dick twitch in a valiant effort to get hard again.

“Shagged out,” Remus breathed. “Need sustenance - do you want a coffee?” Marco nodded appreciatively, as Remus put his dressing gown on and waltzed into the kitchen, a satisfied little smile on his face, which turned into a frown as he realised that there were just three more full days of this, of Marco, and he felt desperately under-prepared for suddenly being alone. Except, he wouldn’t be alone, would he? They weren’t splitting up, just living further apart. Remus could go and visit whenever he wanted to and they could speak every day, still. He also thought of Sirius, and James, and the girls, and Peter. None of them were ever truly alone, were they? They were a unit and he knew they would be right at his side if ever things began to get a little lonely.

When he returned, it was to Marco butt-naked, rummaging in his drawer for something. He turned around, and god, he was beautiful.

“Ti ho comprato un regalo. Ma non posso trovarlo,” he said, turning back to the drawer. “Where are you, you bastard?”

“You didn’t need to get me anything,” Remus sighed. “I haven’t bought anything for you.”

“Want you to remember me, caro,” he said softly, pulling out a small box from underneath a pair of pants. He handed it to Remus. “My gorgeous boyfriend, my special Remusino. Non dimenticarmi.”

“How could I forget you?” Remus blushed as he unwrapped the gift. It was an expensive fountain pen which was engraved. It read ‘Sempre mio’ - always mine. “It’s for your brainstorming,” Marco smiled, “I know you like a proper pen to plan your essays, and now you can always think of me as you write them.”

“I love it, thank you,” Remus beamed, taking Marco into his arms and showing him with his mouth and his hands just how much he appreciated the gift.

They had just eaten that evening when Remus’s phone buzzed in his pocket. It was a text from Sirius. Get here soon. There is a dog. X

Remus smiled to himself. “We should get going soon,” he said to Marco, “Quiz starts in 15.”

“Can’t we just stay here? Want to get you naked again and again,” Marco sulked.

“Marco, we’ve literally just got dressed and have done it three times today. I think we’re good.”

“Fine, fine, but I will be thinking about doing terrible things the whole time we are with your friends.”

“What’s new?” Remus snorted, kissing him on the nose and handing him his jacket.

Sirius hadn’t been lying. There was, indeed, a dog in the pub. He had just finished his shift so had reserved them the best table, by the dart board and far enough away from the speaker. As Remus and Marco walked in, they spotted he and Lily and waved. Remus gestured a drinking motion to see if they wanted a refill but they both shook their heads, gesturing at their still-full glasses. When they joined them, Sirius had a small, fluffy dog in his lap which he was making kissy noises at.

“Are we just kidnapping other people’s dogs now? Has it come to this?” Remus cleared his throat as Sirius gave the little bundle one of his crisps.

“I can’t help it that she likes me more than her owner,” Sirius shook his head, “she’s been flirting with me for the last half hour, little tart.”

“I bet. Where’s Jimmy?” Remus asked Lily.

“Work, still. Shouldn’t be long though. Says he’s got some exciting news,” she responded, shrugging. As if summoned, James walked through the door, just as the bar woman was collecting their entry fee.

“Good evening, friends, lady friend,” he boomed, swooping down to kiss Lily on the lips. “Guess what?”

“What?”

“I, James Fleamont Potter, am finally on the up. I’ve been chosen at work to support on this big criminal case. It’s in the news and everything. I’ll be in court all next week and if it goes well, I’ll be able to do a full secondment to the serious criminal defence team.”

“Fantastic, well done, mate!” Sirius slapped him on the back. “You know what this calls for?”

“Not shots,” Remus groaned.

“Shots!” Sirius and James both yelled, skipping up to the bar triumphantly.

“It seems awfully early for this,” Lily frowned.

“Do you not remember the fateful Ten Pint Thursday quiz night last month?” Remus smiled.

“How could I forget?” She moaned, “I had to ask the Uber driver to pull over on the way home so James could get out and throw up. Disgusting.”

Sirius plonked the tray of Sambuca onto the table. “Right then, lads. Here’s to the cleverest, handsomest, most virile motherfucker I know!” he announced, throwing back his shot in one.

Three rounds into the quiz, their team, Black’s Bitches, were in second, with their joker still to play. “Right, who’s playing their joker on the general knowledge round?” The quiz host asked over the tannoy. Sirius thrust his hand up while Remus marked the answer sheet with a ‘J’ in a circle.

“Question 1 - In which century was the Battle of the Boyne?”

“I think it’s the seventeenth,” Remus whispered. He was greeted with nods and shrugs so he scribbled it down, hoping for the best.

“Question 2 - Which singer is known for her song ‘Mercedes Benz’, recorded just three days before her death?”

Sirius, who was sat to Remus’s right, leant over and wrote ‘Janis Joplin’. Remus smiled and nodded. Marco, to his left, frowned slightly, crossed out the ‘S’ in Janis and replaced it with a ‘ce’. Remus heard Sirius grunt beside him and, when he knew Marco wasn’t looking, leant over again, crossed out what Marco had written and rewrote the correct spelling, with an s. “I know how it’s fucking spelt, dickhead,” he heard him mutter to himself, and Remus fixed him with a stern look. There was no doubting he was right, though, and he felt slightly embarrassed. James caught his eye and tutted.

“Question 3 - Farfalle is a type of pasta shaped like a bow tie. But what does farfalle mean in Italian.”

Remus beamed at Marco and wrote down ‘butterfly’, though was slightly annoyed when Marco felt the need to check that he had got the answer right.

“Question 4 - Which is the oldest National Park in the UK?”

This one started a lively debate with Sirius adamant that it was Snowdonia and James certain it was the Lake District. Eventually, Lily had the deciding vote and she backed Sirius, much to James’s annoyance.

“Question 5 - Which famous poet wrote the words ‘We are not wholly bad or good who live our lives under Milk Wood”?

“Blake,” Marco nodded. “It’s definitely Blake.”

“Actually, it’s Dylan Thomas. My dad used to read it to me when I was little,” Remus blushed.

“Dylan Thomas it is,” Sirius declared, writing it in bold in the answer box.

Question 6 - The name of which sea means ‘Middle Earth’?

Marco looked straight at Sirius, smirked and wrote ‘Mediterranean’. Remus felt like the two of them were acting pretty childishly, and he was literally stuck in the middle. He looked up pleadingly at Lily who cleared her throat.

“I’ll get a round in - Marco, could you help me carry please?” she asked, standing quickly.

“Of course,” he hummed and followed her to the bar.

“Alright, what’s got into you then?” Remus asked, turning to face Sirius.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The pissing contest with the Italian,” James chipped in unhelpfully.

Sirius shrugged. “No harm in a bit of friendly competition.”

“Yes, but you’re on the same team!” Remus pleaded. “Will you promise to behave please?”

Sirius’s eyes gleamed. “I promise to try.”

In the end, they didn’t win the quiz. But they did get the bonus prize for the ‘guess the football shirt’ round, which Sirius kept insisting was the real victory. “Coming home tonight?” he asked Remus as they stepped outside for some air (for Sirius to have a cigarette and Remus to keep him company).

“Yeah, I think I will. I have an early lecture tomorrow and I never sleep well at Marco’s.”

“Ah, nice.” Sirius lit his cigarette and took a long draw on it, “For me, anyway - that flat is even colder when you’re not around. Sorry I was a prick to Marco. Some macho bullshit got the better of me.”

Remus thrust his hands into his pockets, took the cigarette from Sirius and had a drag. “It’s okay. He was being a bit of a prick too.”

Sirius let out a little dry laugh and looked over at his friend. “You’ll be okay, you know? Without him, I mean.”

“I think I will, yeah.” Remus swallowed down what he almost said, what he was thinking deep down, which was something akin to ‘I’m almost looking forward to it’.

When they got home, Sirius disappeared into the kitchen and started clattering around. Remus sat in the deepest armchair in the lounge which was like a big hug. Sirius came in with a little glass of brown liquid which he thrust into Remus’s hand. “Tia Maria,” he said. “You’ll like it.”

And he did.

The next evening, Marco had decided that the two of them would go for a fancy meal. There was a hip new restaurant opened just around the corner which did seven-course tasting menus. Marco was adamant that it was the place to be. Remus didn’t feel quite able to tell him that he’d rather go to Wagamama, but he appreciated the sentiment. After course on course of rich food and a few glasses of wine, he felt decidedly sick. As they walked back down the hill to Marco’s house, he hoped that they might just go back and fall asleep. Marco let them in and poured them yet another glass of wine which he suggested they drink in the bedroom. They proceeded to have slightly bumpy, nauseating sex. It hurt, and Remus was left feeling sore and gross.

He excused himself to have a shower. As he plunged his head under the jet of steaming water, he thought carefully and determinedly about which closing argument to employ in his thesis. He had a few ideas but none of them were quite what he needed to really sell his point of view. For a fleeting moment, he wondered why he wouldn’t let himself think of Marco. He shook his head and stuck his head back under the water.

When he went back into the bedroom, Marco was already asleep. He sighed and clambered into bed beside him, nuzzling his nose into the back of Marco’s neck.

“You’re too hot,” Marco said dismissively, “Do you mind going back on your own side?”

Remus did mind but said nothing and rolled back over to his side of the bed.

Monday morning rolled around quickly. He met Marco at Starbucks and they kissed goodbye, long and slow, Marco insisting that he shouldn’t escort him to the airport because it would just make things harder. Remus returned home feeling desperately sad and in need of some significant carbohydrates.

“Oh mate, come here,” Sirius sighed as he caught sight of his friend when he walked through the door. He brought him into a big, crushing hug and handed him a piece of kitchen roll as fat tears started to spill from his eyes. Sirius busied himself putting the kettle on.

Remus wiped his eyes and sighed, “This is stupid - he’s not dead!”

“Re, you’ve been together for a million years, we’ve been through this. It’s weird. It’s a big change. And it’ll take some getting used to.”

“Yeah, I know you’re right.”

“Look, I’ll make us some pancakes, yeah?”

“Yeah, thank you.”

Sirius smiled uncharacteristically gently at him. He made Remus a cup of tea and started opening cupboards in the kitchen, rummaging around for ingredients while Remus sat down at the table. Sirius played with his phone for a moment and put Maximo Park on their kitchen speaker. Remus loved their second album and instantly felt the tension start to leave his shoulders as he watched Sirius flutter around, weighing ingredients and heating the pan. Remus was the chef of the house but Sirius made a mean stack of pancakes.

After the pair had polished off their huge mound of food, Remus felt decidedly better and marvelled at how little he could handle any sort of emotion on an empty stomach. He thanked Sirius, gave him a reassuring nod, and took himself off for a nap, having slept very little the night before. He stripped down to his pants, fluffed up his pillows and snuggled into the bed which was unreasonably comfortable since he treated himself to a new mattress the year before. As was often the case, he was asleep before his head hit the pillow.

When Remus awoke, it was to muffled voices in the hallway. He glanced at the clock and was alarmed to see the sun so low in the sky. His phone told him that it was six thirty - he had slept for five hours without so much as stirring. He squinted and rubbed his eyes, sure that he could make out the voices of Marlene and Lily, followed by the unmistakable sound of Sirius shushing them, whispering that he was asleep. Remus sighed, not sure if he was in the mood for company, but threw on some clothes, and after grabbing a beer from the fridge, poked his head around the lounge door.

“Remus!” Lily leapt up and embraced him, rubbing quickly at the top of his back in a show of solidarity.

“Alright, Remus? How are you doing?” Marlene asked from her reclined seat in the corner, nose in one of Remus’s books.

“Hey guys,” Remus shrugged his shoulders sheepishly. “I’m okay, yeah. Better for a nap. How are you?”

“Oh just splendid.” Marlene’s voice dripped with sarcasm as she looked up from her book.

“Marls was just telling us about her date with the lesser Black,” Lily smiled ruefully.

“Oh no, the lesser Black is my brother, Reg,” Sirius corrected. “Bella is the lessest Black.”

“Least?” Remus asked.

“Sticking with lessest, thank you,” Sirius declared haughtily.

“We digress,” Marlene chipped in. “Bella, the lessest Black, truly is the strangest, most terrible human I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.”

“I did try to warn y-”

“Not helpful, Black,” Marlene interrupted. “Not helpful in the slightest.” She made herself comfortable in her seat as she readied herself to tell the great tale. “So when I met her, I was astounded by her, you know, general aesthetic loveliness. She was stood behind me in the queue at Starbucks and our order was identical so we sort of shared a moment. Then we got talking and realised that she did the same course as me, just a couple of years above. And she was blatantly super gay so I asked her on a date. I mean, what’s the harm, right?”

The audience of three nodded along, captivated.

“Well the harm, it transpires, is spending two hours with a fucking nazi psycho who thinks Mussolini was just a little misunderstood.”

“I didn’t realise lesbians could be nazis?” Lily deadpanned.

“Nor did I, Lils. Nor did I.” Marlene huffed. “I don’t get it. I’m usually an excellent judge of character. How did I not spot what lay underneath?”

“Well psycho or not, she still has the Black genes and therefore the infamous Black charm,” Remus observed, settling on the sofa beside Sirius and taking a long sip of beer. Sirius beamed at him and winked.

“The absolute peak of the evening was when she was talking about how she didn’t think it was fair letting students into university who were not privately educated because it was just “getting their hopes up”. I shit you not. And when I told her what I do for a living, she told me that she didn’t believe in “handouts” and that women who have been beaten by their husbands have brought it on themselves.” She drew a dramatic breath. “At that point, I could feel my whole head swell up with rage and I just walked out, leaving her to her fucking snobby souffle.”

Sirius couldn’t stop grinning from his spot on the sofa as he scrolled lazily through his phone. “I feel so vindicated.”

“Fuck off, Black.” Marlene chided. “Actually, you know what, don’t. You can make all my dating decisions from this point onwards. I’ll never disobey you again.”

“That’s not very feminist, Marlene,” he quipped, waggling his eyebrows at her. Marlene snorted and threw the first object to hand at him, which happened to be a small, ugly ornament of an old woman with a broom that Sirius had picked up from an antique shop because it was ‘too grotesque to pass up.’ “I would politely ask you not to take this out on Doris,” Sirius said dryly, catching her effortlessly in one hand and dusting her off a little before putting her down on the coffee table.

They all sat up as they heard the front door open and close. Seconds later, James came into the room carrying a Tesco bag which clinked ominously as he plonked it down on the lounge floor.

“What’s up, shaggers?” he asked as he sat down on the floor and opened a beer. “Alright, Remus?”

“Alright, James,” Remus affirmed with a small smile and a nod.

“Pete’s on his way. He’s buzzing, apparently, so that will be fun for all of us.”

As if summoned, Peter knocked on the door and, once greeted by Remus, settled in the lounge with the rest. Remus took a trip to the fridge to grab another bunch of beers and they dimmed the lights in preparation to watch a film. Sirius flicked through the available titles but, as always, there was difficulty reaching a consensus. Eventually, they ended up watching an animated film because none had quite the attention span that night to commit to something grittier.

After ninety minutes, the film drew to its lovely, inoffensive conclusion.

“What colour is the sky? Ay, mi amor, ay, mi amor,” Sirius started singing, as soon as it had finished.

“No, stop!” Lily giggled, “That’s already going to be in my head all week.” He shot her a dastardly look and began to hum instead. Peter yawned and was chastised by James for being a lightweight.

“Comrades, it is but seven thirty,” James announced to the room. “We are not old yet, my friends. And yes, it is a Monday. And yes, we all have jobs. But we cannot- nay, must not become... boring.” He spoke the words with a dramatic shudder. “And therefore, on this dreary September eve, I propose a Bananagrams battle to the death. One-on-one, winner stays on. What say you?”

“I say aye!” Sirius stood suddenly, thrusting his beer into the air. Spotting that it was empty, he strolled into the kitchen for more supplies, returning not just with a handful of beer bottles, but with a lurid yellow bottle of liquid and several shot glasses.

“What on earth is that?” Remus shook his head, understanding instantly where this evening was heading.

“Banana liqueur,” Sirius enthused. “Loser does a shot.”

“Oh God. Right, well I’ll clear the table, shall I?” Remus rolled his eyes, thanking the Gods of Bananagrams for giving him such excellent skills. He was as yet undefeated in the game, thanks to his quick thinking and general prowess for words and playing around with the English language. He quickly got rid of the remnants of their lunch from the table and gave it a quick wipe while the others gathered around.

“Right, gang. You all know the rules, so I won’t waste your time. The first two up are Marlene and James.” Sirius filled their shot glasses with gay abandon.

“I thought the shots were just for the losers?” Marlene crossed her arms across her chest cynically.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Sirius winked, placing the bottle down on the side.

As the tournament wore on, the competition was dwindling, with James, Peter and Lily all out. Remus took his place opposite Marlene as did her best attempt at trash talk.

“I’m going to... kick your... willy, Remus,” she snorted.

“Right then,” Remus raised an eyebrow as they each took their tiles.

“SPLIT!” Marlene wailed, turning her tiles over, eyes brimming with Bananamania.

Remus had formed his crossword in near-record time. “Peel,” he said cooly, picking up his additional tile and finding space for it in just a tiny moment. “Peel,” he said again. They continued in this vein for the remainder of their game, with Remus initiating each go more quickly than Marlene could place her tiles.

“Outclassed,” she bowed graciously once the game had ended, then downed her shot with a grimace.

“Well, it’s just you and me, Black,” Remus said, trying his best to sound cocky. He filled both shot glasses from the yellow bottle and passed one to his adversary. “You’re going down.”

Sirius fixed him with a look that sat somewhere between surprised and thrilled. He pulled up a chair, ran a hand through his hair and cleared his throat. “Bring it, Lupin.”

“SPLIT!” they yelled in unison, waking Peter from his peaceful dozing in the corner.

It was a battle and a half. With just two letters left on the table, Remus had all of his own letters placed. Sirius still had several without a home, and Remus was confident in his impending victory.

“Peel,” he said calmly, panicking a little as he saw that his final tile was a ‘z’. No matter, he thought to himself. There was plenty of time to rearrange and find space. But to his dismay, Sirius had his smug face on, and before he knew it, he had played a full word - cock. He cackled, declared himself the new Bananagrams champion and poured a shot for Remus, an evil glimmer in his eyes. Remus groaned, but accepted his fate. The liqueur was surprisingly delicious and he poured himself another.

“Right!” Peter declared, getting to his feet and swaying a little. “I have news.” The others cheered as he stood on the sofa. “Yes, yes, hush now. So you know I auditioned for the pantomime?”

“Snow Shite!” Lily chipped in helpfully.

“Yes, Snow White,” Peter corrected haughtily. “Well, it turns out I did quite well. Very well, actually. I’ve been cast as the handsome prince. It’s the main part!”

Stunned silence filled the room. Sirius looked at Remus straight away, as if asking him how he should react. Remus fixed him with a stern look and led the way by smiling kindly. “Congrats, Pete. That’s great news.”

Sirius, still looking like he was on the verge of cruel laughter, took in a deep breath. “Well done, mate,” he said, in barely a croak, shaking slightly with effort.

The girls decided the best form of congratulation was to leap on the sofa with Peter and engulf him in a huge hug.

“Peter, you secret thespian, you!” James enthused. “Proud of you!”

“Yes, well, thanks all.” Peter blushed furiously and climbed down from the sofa. “The only thing is, it’s a singing part. And I’m... well, I’m not a singer.”

“I’ll help you.” Sirius offered immediately.

Sirius didn’t talk about it much, but he was an incredible musician. He played piano like it was what he was born to do, and he had a remarkable singing voice. He and Remus had a piano in their lounge which often went unplayed for weeks, but when Sirius sat down, he could play anything he wanted to, and Remus loved it when he did. “Granted, my altar boy days are mercifully behind me, but I can help you practise - give you a few lessons, you know.”

“Sirius that’s... that would be brilliant, thank you,” Peter gushed. “Can I pay you in beer?”

“You may,” Sirius affirmed, smiling softly. “Now somebody get me a banana shot.” Remus got him one, and one for himself. He was beginning to feel more than a little tipsy when his phone started vibrating in his pocket. He pulled it out and saw Marco’s handsome face smiling up at him on FaceTime.

“Hey!” He said, scrabbling to get to the quiet of his room and away from his loud, brash friends.

“Hey, amore.” Marco rubbed his eyes. “Sounds like you’re having quite the party there.”

“Oh, you know. Just the gang.” Remus chuckled as he heard James shouting obscenities from the other room.

“Your cheeks are all pink,” Marco observed. “Had a few drinks?”

“Banana liqueur,” Remus affirmed.

“I won’t ask!” Marco laughed.

“How was your journey?” Remus sat himself down on the bed and the room swayed a little.

“Oh, well it was-”

Sirius burst through the door in fits of giggles. “Remus, you have to come and see. Lily and Marlene are going to do snogging.”

“Well that escalated quickly,” Remus’s loud laugh reverberated through the room. “I’ll be in in a minute,” he nodded at Sirius.

“I’ll stall for as long as I can,” Sirius beamed as he ran back out of the room.

“Sorry,” Remus coughed with laughter again, still too loudly.

“Forget it, go and hang out with your friends,” Marco smiled easily. “We’ll speak in the morning. Love you.”

“Love you tooooo!” Remus dragged out and hung up. He heaved himself back off his bed and into the lounge just in time to see Lily lean in and press her lips to Marlene’s.

James and Sirius were chanting “Kiss, kiss, kiss!” and cheered as they began to make out, pulling Remus into their little crowd on the sofa.

Lily pulled away and thrust her fist into the air triumphantly. The shouts and cheers came to their crescendo then died down.

“That was amazing,” James whispered reverently.

“Do I want to know why I have walked into a pit of promiscuity?” Remus asked.

“Lily said she’d never snogged a girl, and that she’d led a sheltered life, and that she couldn’t marry James when he was one of only two people she’d snogged,” Sirius said as if that explained everything.

“And I fell on my sword like the selfless motherfucker I am,” Marlene slurred.

“Right, of course,” Remus nodded sagely. “So did I also miss a marriage proposal when I was in there? Since when are the two of you betrothed?”

Sirius barked a laugh. “Depends which one you ask. James would say the day they met. Lily would say in three years’ time. Either way, it’s the inevitable outcome.” He put his feet in Remus’s lap and Remus pushed them back off with a look of faux repulsion. “So what do you reckon then, Lils?” He carried on unperturbed. “Are you going to leave him to live a brighter, gayer life?”

“Nah,” she said nonchalantly. “No, think I’ll stick with him for now.”

James grinned idiotically and made an obscene comment about his wank bank being freshly stocked. This earned him a snort of repulsion from Marlene. All in all, a standard Monday night.

Chapter 2: October

The next morning, Remus’s alarm blared at nine-thirty. He groaned and immediately felt his stomach lurching uncomfortably. He should have known that last night’s excesses were a big mistake, and he rushed to the toilet, grabbing a book enroute.

Remus had been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease when he was fifteen after two scary years in and out of hospital with no diagnosis. After five operations and trialling multiple combinations of drugs, his condition was now stable and mostly controlled by powerful medication. If he was sensible, ate well and didn’t drink for too many consecutive days, he was usually able to avoid any flares, though they did still occur at random, leaving him shut in the house with nothing but the ice cold toilet seat and a good book to occupy him.

His operations had left his abdomen scarred and the skin bumpy and uneven. The newest of his scars was over five years old, but he still struggled to look at himself fully naked in the mirror. When he and Marco had first got together, he tried to hide them by turning the lights off when they fooled around, but Marco was no fool. One time, about a month in, as he took off Remus’s t-shirt, he flipped the light switch back on and eyed every scar, shaking his head sadly, as if disappointed that Remus had felt the need to hide this part of himself.

And then, Marco had done the impossible. He had gone on to love Remus enough that he was able to accept (even if he could not embrace) his scars and his new normal. Now, when they had sex, he barely thought about his unorthodox appearance, and Marco certainly seemed enthusiastic enough that Remus was fairly sure he wasn't completely repulsive.

Days like this were part of his condition. He knew that, and mostly accepted his fate. On days where he had no plans, it was an uncomfortable inconvenience. And even when he did have something on, he knew that he could never set any plans in stone. His friends were always accepting when he had to cancel on them last minute, and the university had gone above and beyond in the flexibility they had shown. With the new academic year starting the next week, he was almost glad to get a flare out of the way while he was still on Summer break.

Sirius headed out before lunchtime for his first shift of the day. Remus heard the front door close as he headed out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. He popped the kettle on and opened up the French doors to let some air in. He drank his tea in their little courtyard garden, which he had spruced up with some pots of flowers. He liked it immensely out there, especially on a sunny morning. He took the opportunity to plough through some pre-reading for his course, filled with a sudden sense of excitement about resuming his studies and returning to work.

A couple of hours later, he heard keys jangle in the door. Sirius made his way through the house and slammed a supermarket bag down on the garden table. Remus looked at him curiously.

“Figured you were having a Crohn’s day. You weren’t in the kitchen when I got up this morning so assumed you were on your porcelain throne.”

“You assumed correctly,” Remus confirmed. “What’s in the bag, then?”

“Just some home remedies I’ve heard might work,” Sirius started rifling through the bag, pulling out various supplies. “Peppermint tea - supposed to be good for digestion, Dioralyte - to restore your electrolytes and that, and ginger biscuits, which Helen swears helped her mad nausea when she had morning sickness.”

Remus smiled fully at his friend. “Look at you, being all thoughtful.”

“I’m always thoughtful.” Sirius sat himself down and started rolling a cigarette. “Feeling rough, then?”

“Felt pretty wretched this morning, but I feel much less deathy now. Banana liqueur has a lot to answer for.”

“Yeah, I reckon some of the blame for that lies with me.” Sirius shot him a sheepish glance as he lit up.

“Oh it’s fine. You led the horse to banana liqueur. It was the horse’s choice to bathe in the fucker.” Remus huffed out a laugh as he saw Sirius’s shoulders shaking with mirth. “Night off tonight, I think.”

“Wise. Very wise. I’m working till close anyway, so you’re off the hook tonight.”

“Starting at seven?” Remus asked. “I’ll cook if you want.” His stomach began to make strange noises. “Something bland,” he added.

“Mmm, gimme!” Sirius laughed. “Bland food would be lovely, thank you. Are you going to get dressed today? We can go to Tesco to get ingredients if so.”

“I suppose so,” Remus sighed, thinking that he would be all too happy to stay in his dressing gown all day. He changed quickly, gulped down a cup of peppermint tea and a couple of biscuits, then they set out. As they rounded the corner of the street, Sirius inhaled sharply, placed a hand firmly on Remus’s chest and stopped dead in his tracks. “What are you-”

“That” Sirius pointed “is the single greatest dog I have ever seen.”

Remus glanced over to where he was pointing. There was a large, black, shaggy mongrel with a long snout and pointed ears lounging on a bench on the other side of the road. He looked up to see what all the commotion was about, wagged his tail lazily and flopped his head back down with a thunk. Sirius trotted over to the bench. Remus thought about warning him that the dog might be vicious, but thought better of it as Sirius began stroking him and asking him questions that he obviously couldn’t answer, like “what are you doing here?” and “what’s your name, you lovely little rascal?”. The dog seemed to be equally enthused about his new friend and started to sniff his pockets expectantly. “Oh, I don’t have anything for you to eat! Remus, we need to get treats from Tesco, okay?”

“Okay.” Remus sighed. He had known Sirius for many years now, and knew that resistance, at times like these, was utterly futile.

The dog was still there when they passed back the other way. He gave a little bark of recognition and wagged his tail expectantly. “Aha, just wait till you see what I’ve got for you!” Sirius delved into the bag and fished out some treats. The dog ate them out of his palm as Remus searched him for any sign of identification.

“He doesn’t have a collar. Think he might be a stray. He looks like he’s not much older than a puppy.” Remus gave him a grudging pat on the head.

“What shall we call him?” Sirius glanced up, eyes bright.

“He’s not ours to name, Sirius.” Remus wrung his hands in his lap, not enjoying the effect his words had on Sirius’s expression, which dulled with disappointment. “Maybe we should call the RSPCA?”

Sirius whipped out his phone and within seconds was on the phone with the charity’s call centre. He told them about the dog, gave their location and a brief description. He nodded and answered the agent’s questions. “Oh, okay. Right, well thank you anyway.” He looked frustrated as he hung the phone up. “They won’t do anything unless he’s injured or in danger,” he explained. “Suggested we ring the dog warden, but I’ve heard that they take them to a kill shelter. And if nobody picks them up, then...” he trailed off.

“Tell you what,” Remus stood. “We will keep an eye on him. We can bring him food every day and put up ‘found’ posters, in case he belongs to anyone around here. And if nobody’s claimed him within a week, we can go back to the drawing board, okay?”

“Okay.” Sirius agreed, standing and giving the dog a big, loud kiss on the head. Remus knew that he was going to get far too attached to the mutt and had a bad feeling about where that would lead, but he stayed quiet as he watched him pull out yet more treats and feed them to the dog one by one.

“Where do you think he came from?” Sirius asked earnestly over dinner that evening: Remus had whipped up a butternut squash lasagne which he thought was actually fairly decent. “Fuck me, this is tasty,” Sirius said through a mouthful of food.

“Not sure? I’ve never seen him around before.” Remus decided to ignore the comment about the food, but secretly felt pleased it had warranted the praise.

“I think we should take him in.” Sirius looked up at Remus with a cheeky glint in his eye.

“We’re not allowed pets, Sirius.” Remus shook his head. “Belinda would have a fit.” Belinda was their landlady. She was a young, successful banker who had bought up half of Cardiff with her significant bonuses. She was terrifying, Remus thought. And not the sort of person who would pay heed to a story that pulled at the heartstrings, like a stray dog in need of a home, or a couple of twenty-somethings in need of functioning central heating.

Sirius looked down at his dinner, deep in thought. “What if I could convince her to let us have a dog?”

“And how do you suggest you would do that?” Remus asked, scraping the last bits of lasagne off his plate and into his mouth with his fork.

“I have my methods,” Sirius mumbled to himself, and Remus didn’t doubt it. “So, if I can convince Belinda... can we keep him?”

“It’s never going to happen.” Remus laughed, and even he knew that his answer wasn’t a no. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he retreated to his bedroom for his nightly chat with Marco.

--

Remus came back from the dog’s morning feed a couple of days later and stuck his head around the back door to see Sirius sat at the table, his leather jacket draped over him like a piece of artwork, and his Dr-Marten-clad feet propped up on the table. He sat in a cloud of smoke and greeted Remus with a nod as he untangled his hair with his left hand.

“You look like you’re in a Diesel advert,” Remus remarked, pulling up a chair.

“Stunningly attractive but in a gritty way?” Sirius asked. Remus didn’t respond to that, but raised an eyebrow because that’s pretty much exactly what he meant. “How’s he today?”

“He’s fine, I think. Pretty sure the people at the community centre are also feeding him because he looks a little chunky around the edges.”

“Good.” Sirius tapped a little ash into the ashtray and looked up. “I think we should call him Paddy,” he said. “I know, I know, I shouldn’t get too attached. But he needs a name, and to know that he’s loved.”

“Why Paddy?” Remus asked, not admitting aloud that he was also coming round to the idea of taking the dog in.

“Well, I think he’s got this excellent Irish vibe, like he should live in a brewery or something. I think if he could speak, he’d have an Irish accent. If he were a human, he'd be Dylan Moran.”

“Oh good, I was worried your reason would be stupid.” Remus huffed out a breath through his nose, exasperated and almost impossibly fond. “What are you up to later?”

“Rugby practice. First game is on Saturday.” Sirius pushed his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose. “Can’t wait. I’ve been so lazy over summer, I really need to get some exercise.”

“Freak,” Remus teased. “Pub after?”

“For sure,” Sirius nodded. “It’s my last week of free Remus before you get hauled back into the world of academia.”

“You make it sound like prison!”

“For me, it pretty much was!” Sirius scratched at his head, eyes gleaming. “Will you let the gang know to meet there at eight-ish? I’ve got to go and put my shorts on.” He winked and strutted off to his bedroom. Moments later, Placebo started blasting out of his speakers and Remus smiled to himself.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and figured that he could get his Marco chat in early today, to leave the evening free for his friends. He rang for a couple of seconds before he answered.

“Ciao, bello.”

“Ciao, come stai?”

“Good, better for hearing your voice!” Marco said smoothly, causing a tiny shiver of affection to run through Remus. “How are you, love?”

“I’m good! It’s been nice weather here all week. I’ve got loads of reading done, and heading out with the gang later.”

“Last week of freedom, yes? For me, too.” Marco said, not too sadly. “I start the new job on Monday. Lots to get ready. Lots of clothes to buy.”

“They’ll love you,” Remus said genuinely. He was only slightly jealous that Marco, now done with his studies, had secured a proper job in a publishing house in Rome. He fought down the feeling that he was beginning a new life without him, and reminded himself that there would be an end date on their separation... one day. “How’s the family?”

“Same old,” Marco huffed. “Silvia has broken up with Michele for the seventeenth time this year, so she just sits in her room and cries. Mama has decided she is going to retire. Again. Dad has got this new plant on the balcony that I’m sure he loves more than any of us. And I... well I’m pining for my Remusino so I revert back to being my grumpy teenage self around them. Think it’s time I start flat hunting.”

“I get the same whenever I go home to mine,” Remus nodded. “Mum was asking after you yesterday. I said I’d pass on her love to you.”

“They’re well?” Marco asked. “How is the subsidence?”

“All fixed now, I think! Mum was raving about this hunky builder they had round to fix it all. That’s when I tuned out, to be honest.”

“That’s good, I’m glad.” Marco breathed in down the phone and then lapsed into silence for a moment. “I miss you, Remus. This is... well, it’s harder than I thought it would be.”

“Not... too hard?” Remus asked quietly.

There was another beat of silence. “No.” Marco said, matching his volume. “But I just want you here. Want to touch you, and hold you, and take care of you. You feel very far away.”

“I am,” Remus whispered, feeling a lump begin to form in his throat. He swallowed it down and forced himself to concentrate on words. “I am far away. But you know, this was never going to be easy.”

“No,” Marco conceded. “When will you come and see me?”

“I’m skint for now so I need to find some cash. Was actually thinking of getting a part time job so I can afford to come more often, but I was thinking maybe I’d come for Christmas?”

“That’s so long to wait.” Marco’s despondent tone was making Remus feel a little sniffly. He cleared his throat and pushed it down again.

“I’ll come sooner if I can,” Remus promised. “I’d love to see you.”

“Okay,” Marco said sadly. “Okay, I suppose. Have to go, caro. Ti voglio bene.”

“Love you too,” Remus whispered to his empty room after Marco had already hung up.

--

Remus stepped out of the house that evening and thought how unseasonably warm it was for October. The sky was painted scarlet with jagged clouds and Remus watched a couple of bats flitting around above him. He put his trademark noise-cancelling headphones on and chose Janelle Monae to accompany him on his walk. He breathed the air in and lost himself to the moment, which was a rare occurrence for one so prone to overthinking. He stepped into the pub and after a quick look around, established that he was the first to arrive.

He smiled at Hayley behind the bar. “How’s it going?” he asked.

“Good!” she grinned, “Remus, right? You’re Sirius’s housemate.”

“I certainly am,” he returned her smile.

She picked up a pint glass and started pouring him a pint of IPA. “He talks about you a lot. Said you went to uni together?”

“Yeah, we lived together throughout. Know each other pretty well by now, I’d say.”

“Strikes me that there aren’t many people who can say that about him,” Hayley remarked, taking Remus’s cash and getting change from the till.

“No, I suppose not,” he agreed, taking a big sip. “Probably me and James, and that’s about it.”

“He’s lucky to have friends like you,” she nodded. He smiled noncommittally and went over to their usual table. He gave it some thought. He always assumed he was the lucky one; to have fallen in with such an exceptional group of people. Seeing things from a relative stranger’s perspective was illuminating. Perhaps Sirius was lucky to have him, though he suspected the real truth was that they were lucky to have each other and that level of closeness. People went a whole lifetime without finding that, he supposed.

As if thinking of someone could summon them, Sirius appeared at the table. He was still in his shorts and his dark, floppy hair was wet with sweat. As was usually the case, a couple of women in the vicinity sat up a little straighter when he walked in, but his eyes were firmly fixed on Remus as he took a big swig of beer. “Hello there,” he said, smiling lopsidedly.

“Hey, how was practice?” Remus asked, playing with the condensation on his glass.

“I’m horrendously unfit,” Sirius laughed. “But felt good to get back out there. And to see the boys. I had fun.”

“Oh, Mr Black, put your legs away this minute, I’m all a quiver,” James jumped into the seat beside Remus and shook his mane of black hair out of his eyes. Lily rolled her eyes and sat by Sirius.

“Evening, gents.” She put her arm around Sirius then retracted it swiftly, screwing her face up in disgust. “You could have showered, Sirius.”

“Worried that my natural musk will prove impossible to resist, Evans?”

Lily snorted unbecomingly, “In your dreams, Black.”

“In James’s dreams, you mean,” Sirius smiled. “Pete coming?”

“He said he’ll see what Emily’s doing, which is code for he’s going to trawl through her holiday pictures on Facebook and have a little tug,” James quipped, eyes twinkling.

“Right then, darts?” Sirius asked, already on his way to the bar to grab the darts kept behind there for general use. They played a swift couple of games of ‘half it’ which Sirius won easily, before they decided they would call it a night. Sirius and Remus said goodbye to James and Lily at the crossroads and ambled down the road, the night sky twinkling fiercely above them.

“How are you doing in your first Marco-less week then?” Sirius asked, hands in his pockets and looking straight ahead.

“Spoke to him earlier. He sounded really fed up, and for the first time I wondered whether this is actually going to work,” Remus said, candour coming easily. “He paused when I asked whether it was too hard for him. There was a definite pause.”

“I bet he didn’t,” Sirius opined as he reached in his pocket for the cigarette he had rolled in the pub. “This strikes me as you zoning in on one little thing where he probably told you ten others that you could take as a positive.”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Remus dug in his pocket for the sachet of food he had bought for Paddy as they neared his bench. They stopped, aghast as they noticed a yellow van parked alongside it, and the dog was nowhere in sight. As they got closer, it was possible to read the signage on the van which read ‘Cardiff Council Dog Warden’. The door slammed shut as an officious-looking man bustled into the driver’s seat. Sirius’s eyes were as big as saucers and he turned to Remus, looked as though he was about to speak, but for the only time in Remus’s memory, words seemed to fail him.

The van drove off. Sirius stared at Remus, blinking once, twice, then grabbing him frantically by his t-shirt. “Right, I need you not to think, okay? Because what I am about to say seems ridiculous, and dammit it is ridiculous but I stand by it.”

“Okay?” Remus tilted his head questioningly.

“Yes, good. Right, we are going to stage a dramatic rescue,” Sirius garbled quickly, his eyes shining scarily bright in the pitch black.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Sirius, we can’t stage a dramatic rescue,” Remus moaned, “You are an adult man. I am an adult man, and we need to act like it sometimes.”

Sirius grabbed Remus by the shoulders and looked him square in the eye. “Remus, I love that you are the sensible one of the two of us. I mean, somebody’s got to be, yes? And when you’re excluding drafts so we don’t get chilly or stopping me from opening that second bottle of banana liqueur so we don’t get hangy, I’m really glad you’re like that.” He loosened his grip a little and patted him on the shoulder with his right hand. “But Remus, I need you to understand that this dog and I... well, we belong together. We have a connection and he wants me to save him. He told me so with his big sad eyes and his crap, scraggly tail. I love this dog. And he is destined to be mine; ours. I just need you to throw caution to the wind and trust me. Can you do that?”

Remus squirmed from under Sirius’s grasp, knowing that he was powerless to resist that expression. “If the police show up, I’m out,” he laughed softly, tugging Sirius in the direction the van left and googling the whereabouts of the dog pound as he did.

Twenty minutes later, they stood outside an intimidating-looking fence, topped with a mass of barbed wire. There didn’t appear to be any way in, other than to climb over.

“Remus, I need you to stand guard,” Sirius whispered as he began to climb the fence.

“You’re fucking mental!” Remus whispered aggressively. “What are you going to do once you get in, eh? Throw the dog over?” But Sirius was already half way up and scaled the barbed wire without a care. It all went quiet, then, and all Remus could do was wait. Standing guard in this quiet little suburb of Cardiff was, it transpired, a fairly straightforward task, given that there were no people, cars or creatures within a two mile radius. Sirius seemed to have been gone a long time and Remus was starting to worry when he heard a whisper of his name, followed by the click of the gate’s lock opening from the other side. The gate swung open and before he knew what hit him, two giant paws struck his shoulders. He stumbled backwards with an ‘oof’ and he buried his hands in Paddy’s shaggy fur. “Oh am I pleased to see you!” he crooned, looking up and grinning feverishly at an elated Sirius who tugged on his sleeve and started running. Remus followed close behind. Of course he did.

When they rounded the corner and their house came into view, Remus finally started to believe that they would get away with this and that they might not end up on some sort of government blacklist. He fumbled for his keys in his pocket and got the door open with some effort. They bundled through the porch and slammed the door behind them. Remus, not used to any sort of strenuous exercise, firmly believed that he might be in for his first ever asthma attack. He glanced over at Sirius whose eyes were still as wide as saucers and the two of them burst out laughing; mild hysteria consuming them until speech became useless.

“I’ll feed him,” Remus said, “and in the morning, we can go and get him supplies. Lead, bowl, collar, that sort of thing. He’ll also need a vet appointment as soon as possible and we should get him microchipped, fleaed, wormed. It’ll need to be you that gets onto Belinda if we stand a chance of making this work, and we should look at some puppy classes to get him socialised and accustomed to other dogs.”

Sirius just stood there, looking at him in awe. “You’re great,” is all he said, before heading over to where the dog was stood, sniffing every inch of his new surroundings. “And you are the greatest, young Paddy. Welcome home, boy.”

Remus dug a bowl out of the kitchen cupboard and set about fixing Paddy’s meal. He glanced over at Sirius as he started teaching the dog how to give a paw. Knowing Sirius and his powers of persuasion, Paddy would be immaculately trained within weeks. He set the bowl down on the floor and Paddy rushed over to clear its contents. Remus transferred to the lounge where he put an episode of Parks and Recreation on. “Ben Wyatt is God,” he said in explanation when Sirius sat himself down on the sofa beside him. Sirius smiled and made himself comfortable. Moments later, he yawned softly, his eyes beginning to look heavy and Paddy jumped into the space between them, resting his head on Remus’s lap. Remus grinned idiotically and closed his eyes.

Remus awoke to the vague realisation that his face was being licked by a bloody massive dog. He groaned and sat up, patting Paddy’s head and heaving himself off the sofa, vaguely aware of a crick in his neck, he checked his phone for the time. Seeing that it was only 4:30, he figured he would let Sirius sleep there until morning. He grabbed a blanket and draped it over his sleeping friend before returning to the relative comfort of his own bed.

He was wired and unable to sleep. Paddy had joined him and was snoring loudly at the foot of the bed. He ought to have known that their acquisition of a dog would mean less sleep for Remus. He reached for his phone and started masochistically scrolling through Marco’s Facebook photos. One of the two of them at Cardiff Castle, another that Remus had taken of Marco sat in his courtyard reading, a third of Marco back home in Rome. His friends were all perfectly attractive but Marco shone the brightest with his beautiful, tanned skin, and perfect smile. He wore his hair short and his chin was dusted with designer stubble. His chocolate brown eyes looked straight at the camera; straight at Remus. “Gorgeous,” Remus whispered aloud. He scrolled for a couple of hours, going right back to before they met, back to Marco’s teen years and he was so full of emotion for his remarkable, distant boyfriend that he had to blink back tears.

He sighed, sat up, and resigned himself to the fact that he was getting no more sleep that morning. He put his phone down, stepped into some half-dirty clothes and improvised a lead out of his dressing gown belt so he could take Paddy for a walk. The streets were quiet, still. The sun poked its head over the buildings as Bat for Lashes seduced him through his headphones. Paddy spotted his old bench and looked up wide-eyed at Remus. “You’re staying with us, Paddy,” Remus whispered, picking up his pace. They stopped at the local shop where Remus picked up the ingredients for bacon sandwiches and another couple of sachets for Paddy.

As if he knew, Paddy practically dragged him back home, where Sirius was now propped up on the sofa with a cup of coffee in hand, scrolling through Netflix and apparently dissatisfied with his choices. “There’s tea brewing for you in the kitchen,” he said. “Did you enjoy your walk, Pads?”

“He did. And we bought bacon.”

“My heroes,” Sirius grinned, leaping up and putting the grill on. “So, I’ve had a look and Pets at Home opens at nine. We can get there for opening and get this one all kitted out. Then I’ve just got to convince Belinda’s secretary to let me see her today, and we’re grand.”

“And if it’s a no?”

“Then we move.” Sirius supplied simply.

“Then we move,” Remus chuckled helplessly, feeling that he should really have known the answer to that question.

—

Sirius Black was not a man with much restraint. He was impetuous and impulsive, and when he got excited about something, there was nothing in the world that could stop him from doing what he wanted.

Remus wasn’t sure why he thought he would act any differently in a pet shop. In fact, Sirius in a pet shop was akin to a kid in a sweet shop - chaotic and loud.

“Remus, can we get him the tartan bed? I think he’d like tartan,” he enthused.

“Erm... sure? I mean, I don’t feel hugely strongly either way, if I’m honest.”

“And what about collars? Or shall we get him one of those harness things? Or both?”

“Both.” Remus smiled, giving into it.

“Right, now we need to decide whether he’s going to be on dry food or wet food. He definitely likes wet food but I’ve heard it’s worse for their teeth?” Sirius frowned, surveying the choices in the food aisle.

“Here, look, we can get him dry mixer to go with his wet food. That way, he’ll get sufficient crunch but still enjoy the stinky stuff, yes?”

“Yes, good thinking. Right, so we’ve got his bed, poo bags, a lead, collar, harness, bowls, food.” He crossed them off on his fingers. “Think that’s all the boring necessities out of the way. Now let’s go and look at toys.” His eyes gleamed as he surveyed all his options. They came away with a veritable smorgasbord of toys: toys to throw, toys to chew, toys to stimulate. And, because Remus was there, they also picked up a nice sensible toy box to put them all in. Paddy stood the whole time, wagging his tail and staring adoringly at his two new favourite people.

Then it was off to the vets. They found that he hadn’t yet been chipped, which added weight to the stray theory. The vet asked them where they had picked him up and smiled wryly at their sheepishness. She weighed him, checked his teeth, and gave him a clean bill of health. She vaccinated him, chipped him, and lectured them on proper nutrition. They walked home via the park, arms full with their haul from the pet shop. Sirius left soon afterwards to go and see Belinda, having sketched out a brief business case to convince her to waive her no pet policy. He also took a couple of pictures of Paddy ‘to melt her cold, dead heart’.

Remus took the opportunity to ring Marco, who sounded much brighter than he had the day before, then rang and spoke to his mother, knowing it was her day off. She asked after Marco, then Sirius, as she had pretty much every time they had spoken since the day she found out Remus was gay. She was the second person he came out to when he was eighteen. Sirius had been the first. Both conversations had gone as well as could be hoped: Sirius had barely flinched, but then he was probably the most accepting person Remus had ever met; and then his mother had just hummed to herself, taken a moment to digest and said “Yes, I can see that.” She then continued talking about seeing Barbara at aerobics class, as if he’d told her that he was thinking of going vegetarian. His dad had been a tougher nut to crack, but he relaxed into the idea with time, and the gang - well, the gang had absorbed the news easily, and it was only Peter who thought it necessary not to take his shirt off in front of Remus anymore, just in case.

So once Remus’s mum knew about his sexuality, she had singled in on thinking that he and Sirius were a thing. She didn’t seem to listen to her son’s assurances that they were friends, and only friends, and he was fairly sure he once heard her refer to Sirius as her future son in law when speaking with one of her friends. This had tapered off a little when Remus brought Marco home for the first time, and she had dropped the subject. But still, she always asked how he was, with a suggestive little smile in her voice. Or maybe he was imagining it.

Remus spent the afternoon reading his book and lazily throwing the ball for Paddy, letting him out hourly to answer the call of nature. He had a little doze on the sofa to make up for his fitful night, and it was around five when he was woken by a knock at the door and Paddy barking gleefully, in case he hadn’t heard the knock itself.

Peter stood on the doorstep with a book in hand, glancing fretfully around at his car. “Think it’ll be alright there?” he asked, before even saying hello.

“Hi Pete. I think it’ll be fine.” Remus assured him and ushered him over the threshold.

“Oh, who’s this?” Peter cooed as Paddy put his paws up on him and wagged his tail in welcome.

“This is Paddy,” Remus smiled, “New member of the Lupin-Black household.”

“I can’t believe he talked you into this,” Peter laughed, taking his shoes off and hanging his coat up.

Remus made them both a cup of tea and listened as Peter told him about the songs he needed to sing for the pantomime. He showed him his songbook and fretted aloud, pondering whether Sirius would really be able to make that much of a difference to his performance.

When Sirius got home, lauding his success, Paddy went bezerk, running back and forth and bringing him ball after ball as presents. “Hello, mate! And hello, Pete. Ready to unleash your inner Elton?”

Peter neither confirmed nor denied, but simply said, “I brought weed.”

“Good man,” Sirius nodded, kicking off his boots and sitting himself at the piano. “Come on, then. Those your songs?” Peter nodded and sat beside him on the piano stool. Sirius started tinkering about on the keys, making up a little ditty as he went. “Why are you singing Barry Manilow in a pantomime?” he asked, nonchalantly.

“Ah, well they’ve decided that Snow White’s name is actually Mandy, you see.”

“Mandy White?”

“No, just Mandy, who happens to be quite pale.”

“Excellent,” Sirius guffawed. “Right, let’s see what you’ve got then,” he said, diving into the introduction and nodding pointedly at Peter when it was time for him to start singing.

“I remember all my life, raining down as cold as ice, shadows of a man, a face through the window, crying in the night, the night goes into morning, just another day,” Peter began to sing, slightly feebly.

“Project more, please,” Sirius urged as they dived into the second verse.

“I never realised how happy you made me, oh Mandy!” Peter tried, “You came and you gave without taking, but I sent you away.”

Sirius stopped playing and pointed to a bar on the page, “See here? You’re sliding up into that note, but you need to be aiming for it from the outset. Make sure you pull your diaphragm in and visualise a note that’s even higher. Then you’ll have no problem hitting it, yeah? Just listen to the way I do it a sec.”

“Oh Mandy, you came and you gave without taking. But I sent you away. Oh Mandy, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking, and I need you today, oh Mandy!”

“Do you see the difference?” Sirius asked?

Peter nodded minutely, “But you don’t even have to try,” he moaned.

“No, see that’s not true,” Sirius corrected, “All of this is was hammered into me through years of classical musical training. But you can learn too, and that’s why we’re here. Right, let’s go from the next verse back into the chorus. Remember to visualise that note and don’t forget your breathing.”

He started playing again and they sang together, “I’m standing on the edge of time, I’d walked away when love was mine. Caught up in a world of uphill climbing, tears are in my eyes and nothing is rhyming. Oh Mandy!” Sirius tapered off and listened to how Peter tackled the notes of the chorus. He nodded and jotted something down on the notepad beside him.

“Right, good,” he said sincerely. “I think we’ll leave the middle eight for another day because it’s a bit of a bitch. But I have some good news for you, Pete. You’re not a lost cause.”

“I’m not?”

“Nope. Actually, you’ve got a nice little voice under there somewhere, we just need to polish it up a bit. So we’ll do some scales in a bit and I’m going to give you homework, but we’ll get there. Now be a good lad and roll us a joint?” Sirius grinned, continuing to tinker at the piano and eventually launched into No Surprises by Radiohead, which sent shivers up Remus’s spine as he gratefully accepted the joint from Peter and took a long draw on it. He looked over to Sirius who appeared completely lost in what he was playing. His curly dark hair fell into his eyes and he pushed a strand back behind his ear without missing a beat. He looked so at ease behind that piano that Remus had the strange, unsettling feeling that he was imposing, or that he should avert his eyes. He handed the joint back to Peter and went to raid the fridge. He grabbed a treat for Paddy, too, which he gratefully accepted.

Once back in the lounge, Remus sat himself down on the hardest chair. He placed the beers down on the floor and Sirius abandoned his performance to come and have his share of the weed and to grab his beer from the stash. The room felt a little quiet and echoey without the lovely sound of the piano, but Remus understood that Sirius couldn’t play all night just to meet his whim.

__

By the time Saturday came around, Remus’s optimism was here to stay. It was another beautiful but chilly morning, and having walked Paddy, he returned to the house feeling ready to embrace his last weekend of freedom. It was Sirius’s first rugby match and the gang had arranged to meet at the rugby ground ten minutes before to support him. Remus quickly showered and put on three jumpers, his warmest coat and a chunky scarf. He dug his warmest leather gloves out of his draw and quickly located the bobble hat he’d bought when they all went to the ice hockey last season. He glanced at himself in the mirror and thought that he looked decidedly ridiculous, but figured that he would at least be warm.

He arrived at the ground with Paddy slightly early, so he grabbed himself a cup of coffee and quickly took a funny selfie of the two of them which he fired off to Marco. The players were warming up on the pitch. Paddy spotted Sirius and started wagging his tail and whining. Sirius happened to look up from his stretches and shot them a prizewinning grin. He jogged over and embraced Paddy enthusiastically. He straightened up and grinned at Remus. In the sunlight, his eyes were exceptionally bright; the colour of the few clouds in the sky, and Remus found himself slightly taken aback by them.

“Wearing enough clothes, Re?” Sirius asked, looking amusedly at Remus’s choice of attire. “It’s October in Wales, not Svalbard.” He looked back down at the dog and gently scratched behind his ear.

“Fuck off,” Remus deadpanned, looking down at his shoes to hide his laughter. “I run cold.”

Sirius shook with laughter as he flicked the bobble on Remus’s hat, eyes full of mischief. “First here?”

“Yeah. It’s alright though, there’s plenty to keep me occupied.” Remus gestured with his eyes towards the field of buff men in shorts, helping each other to extend their stretches by pressing against each other in ways that were more than a little homoerotic.

“Oh my God! You’re actually being outwardly pervy!” Sirius looked genuinely delighted. “I never thought I’d see the day that Pete and James finally started rubbing off on you!”

“Ooh err!” Remus grinned. “Just don’t introduce me to any of them. I wouldn’t actually be able to formulate conversation. Let me enjoy from a distance.”

“I will,” Sirius laughed.

“Right, back to it, Black.” Remus slapped him on the back and took a sip of coffee, smiling still. Sirius ran back to his boys and saluted Remus, gesturing for him to keep his eyes firmly at head level, no lower.

After the game, they headed for the compulsory post-match pint. Sirius, as ever in victory, was insufferable and James was blindly adoring.

“God, when you made that tackle a foot from the try line, I could have kissed you, I fucking swear!”

Sirius waved off his praise and touched his hand tenderly to his eyebrow, which had been split during the match from a collision. He had butterfly stitches to hold it back together and he declared that he was going to be stoic as he took a long swig from his pint.

“Well, you need to stop touching it then,” Lily chastised, batting his hand away. “Honestly Sirius, the way you launch yourself at all those huge men, it’s no wonder you’ve hurt yourself. You’re going to really come a cropper one day.”

“Remus enjoys it when I launch myself at huge men,” Sirius winked, earning a quick kick in the shin.

“Again, fuck off.”

“Guys, guys, Hayley just walked in.” Pete shushed them violently. “Oh God, her hair is down. We have a hair down situation, this is not a drill.”

“Alright there, Pete?” Remus asked. “Glad you didn’t lose your cool.”

“Shh, shut up, she’s coming over.”

Hayley approached the table, spotted the dog and made a little squealing noise. “Oh my goodness, who are you?”

“Paddy, this is Hayley! Do you want to show her your trick?” He passed a treat over to Hayley and showed her how to hold her hand out. Paddy barked and swatted it as if he was doing a high five. Hayley laughed and petted him, waxing lyrical about what a good boy he was.

“He learnt that in an hour,” Sirius explained, puffing his chest out with pride. Paddy rested his head on Remus’s knee and he stroked his head absently, thinking briefly that it was odd he had ever been out of the picture.

“Hi Hayley,” Peter said, almost in a whisper. It sat awkwardly amongst the easy chat that had preceded it and she looked at him kindly.

“Oh hi, Peter, is it?”

“Mmm.” He moved his face in what Remus thought might have been an attempt at a smile. However, it had the unfortunate effect of looking more like a gurn. “You can call me Pete, though. It’s cool.” He twisted his hands in his lap, his expression growing ever more pained. He looked up at his friends pleadingly but Sirius and James just smirked back at him. Remus decided that he should be the one to help out, not that he was much of a chatterbox either.

“Hayley, your boy here has acquired a new battle scar,” Remus said easily, gesturing at Sirius’s eyebrow.

“I can see that! Been fighting again, Sirius?” she asked.

“You should see the other guy,” he beamed. “Any plans for Halloween, Hayley?”

“Hadn’t really thought about it yet,” she confirmed. “You hosting?”

Sirius looked at Remus for silent confirmation of his spontaneous plan. “Apparently,” Remus laughed. “Why not?”

“Excellent. Well, I’ll be there,” she smiled, swooping up their empty glasses and heading back to the bar.

--

“Happy Halloween!” Dorcas cheered as she slammed a hefty book down on the desk in front of Remus. She was wearing devil horns and a wicked grin to match. “I’ve only gone and fucking found it!”

“No!” Remus sat up in his seat; the one he had snagged in the library early that morning as he set in for a full day’s study.

“You bet your arse I have. And the best thing? I’m going to let you read it while you tell me what a legend I am.”

“You are a legend, Dorcas.” Remus stared wide-eyed at the book in front of him. It was a rare early criticism of Dante’s Inferno, dating back to the 1600s, leatherbound and beautiful and completely integral to his first essay. He picked the book up and breathed it in. It smelled like old secrets and must. He opened it up gingerly, stroking the pages and opening up to find the bits he needed. “God, how am I even going to be able to photocopy this?” he asked, laughing.

“Carefully?”

“Right!” He smiled at his new friend who had latched onto him in their first week because “everyone else is a wanker”. “Are you coming tonight then? To the Halloween thing?” Remus asked as he happened upon a passage of pure gold in the book.

“Yeah, definitely. Costume’s a surprise though so don’t ask!” Dorcas said.

“Don’t even get me started on costumes - Sirius has got us all going as the Village People,” Remus groaned. “He’s going as a leatherman. What the fuck is a leatherman?”

“Gay biker garb,” Dorcas giggled. “Can’t believe I’m finally going to meet the famous Sirius! And quite a lot of him, by the sounds of it. Which one are you, then?” She turned to face him, “Any leather for you? Let me guess, sexy cop?”

“Builder. Thought it would be my best bet at keeping my clothes on.”

“Ah, of course. And Peter and James?” she asked.

“Pete’s going to be a cowboy,” Remus explained. “And James is the policeman.”

“Sure, sure. We’ve got this lecture at four. Do you want to grab a coffee enroute?”

“Yeah, perfect,” Remus nodded, carefully handing the book back to Dorcas and standing up. They each ordered a coffee from the library cafe then wended their way to Lecture Hall 3.

The lecture was not the most exciting he had been to that week, but passed by quickly enough. They were out of there in time for the early bus and they parted ways at the bus stop. On his walk back to the house, Remus thought about the upcoming party and how to combat his general sense of unease at such social gatherings. At least it was at their house so he could retire to the bedroom when things got too much. He showered, shaved and pulled his outfit out of the drawer: uncomfortably tight jeans, a short-sleeved plaid shirt and a bright yellow workman’s helmet. He changed quickly into it and gazed at himself in the mirror. He looked ridiculous: everything was far too tight, and he wasn’t even sure if he would be able to sit down. His arms were out for everyone to see and the shirt showed more than a little chest air. He groaned, just as Sirius pushed his door open. He paused for a moment, eyeing Remus’s unusual attire, before breaking out into a broad grin.

“Look at you, hot stuff!” Sirius laughed, taking a seat on Remus’s bed and leaning back against the headboard. “Wait, put the hat on. And I’ve got a surprise for you. Close your eyes.”

“I’m not falling for that one again, Sirius.”

“Oh haha, you’re so funny. Close them please!”

Remus did as he was told and felt Sirius’s warm hands press to his face and stick something under his nose.

“Now open,” Sirius laughed. “Oh God, this is too much. You look incredible. Have a look.”

Remus looked to the mirror and burst into laughter. Sirius had stuck on an adhesive, black, handlebar moustache which completed the radically camp look.

“I look like my father,” Remus moaned. “Like a gay, gay version of my father.”

“That’s what you always look like,” Sirius teased. “Right, I’ve got to go and put my glad rags on. Might need some help in a bit. Mine’s pretty tight.”

“Gosh, you really do know how to get a man excited,” Remus sighed, whipping his phone out of his pocket as Sirius walked out. He quickly dialled Marco whose face appeared on the screen.

“Hey caro. What has happened to your face?” Marco asked, aghast.

“Oh, Halloween!” Remus smiled. “We’re going as the village people. You know, YMCA?”

“Hmm, right. That outfit looks pretty tight,” Marco said sullenly. “You’re really going like that? There’s lots... on display.”

“Well... yeah.” Remus faltered. “I mean, I can put a jacket on if you think it’s too much?”

“It is a bit.”

“Right. I see,” Remus said sadly. “It was just for fun, but, yeah okay, thank you for being honest. I’ll cover up a bit.”

“Remusino, don’t be sad. I’m sorry, you just don’t usually wear revealing clothes. It was a bit of a shock. I like you better in your usual stuff.”

“But it’s just... well it’s Halloween. That’s sort of the point, isn’t it?” Remus pointed out. “Look, never mind, let’s drop it. Any news on the flat yet?”

“I found somewhere yesterday. There was an old friend looking for a flatmate on Facebook. He already lives there and it’s perfect. It has a big bedroom for me with lots of storage space. The kitchen is great and two bathrooms. It’s in Piazza Bologna. You’ll like it, caro mio. When are you coming to see me?”

“Still not sure. I’m keeping an eye out for close flights. Still think it will likely be Christmas though.”

“Okay,” Marco sighed. “I can’t wait. Have fun at your party. Love to the gang, yes?”

“Yes,” Remus sighed. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” Marco sighed and hung up.

Remus got up again and looked in the mirror. He rolled his sleeves down a little. Suddenly, the party was the last thing he wanted to do, and he felt a little foolish. All he wanted to do was curl up in bed and go to sleep. He thought carefully about whether he could ask Sirius to tell everyone he had a migraine, but dismissed this idea when he remembered that the effectiveness of the other lads’ costumes hinged on his presence and his ridiculous fucking moustache.

His phone lit up and he thought for a moment that it might be Marco wanting to explain his actions, but it was a text from Sirius asking him to join him in his boudoir. He smiled, put on a cardigan, and crossed the hall, pushing Sirius’s door open.

“Oh, thank goodness you’re here,” Sirius heaved from underneath an ungodly tangle of leather and chains. “Little help?”

Remus rolled his eyes and stepped forward to unravel him. After a brief struggle, they managed to get Sirius into his outfit which, frankly, made Remus’s look like a nun’s habit.

“Thanks mate. Was touch and go there for a while,” Sirius laughed, sitting down on the bed. “Hey, why have you covered up?” he asked, taking a section of the loose cardigan between his finger and thumb.

“Oh, no reason. Cold,” he said.

“It’s boiling in here,” Sirius pointed out. He looked at Remus with a healthy dose of scepticism which usually did the trick of getting Remus talking.

“It’s nothing. Just- just, I facetimed Marco. And he was of the opinion that there was too much skin on show. So I thought I’d just pop a cardi-”

“What?” Sirius interrupted. His eyes were cold, now, and Remus felt himself begin to crumble under their intensity.

“He saw me and he said that my clothes were too revealing and he preferred what I usually wear. Which they are a bit, so-”

“Where does he get off telling you what you can and can’t wear?” Sirius cut in, his jaw tense and arms folded over his body.

“No, it’s not like that, Sirius,” Remus shook his head. “He just isn’t used to seeing me dress like this. I’m not used to it either.”

“He’s jealous.” Sirius supplied.

“Sorry?”

“You look good. Which also means that you’ll attract attention. He’s jealous and worried that you’ll meet someone else tonight.”

Remus mulled the hypothesis over in his head. It hadn’t even occurred to him. Marco was not the jealous kind. But then he had always been a presence at their parties, so he knew that there was really nothing to be jealous about. This was different, he supposed, because they were so far apart.

He sighed. “Jealous?”

“Jealous.” Sirius nodded. “But there’s nothing you can do when he’s miles away. Take the cardigan off and let’s get the cocktails on the go, yeah?”

“I just-” Remus started, but he didn’t really know what he was trying to say.

“Please don’t let him ruin your night,” Sirius said flatly. He looked over at Remus, clearly frustrated and Remus couldn’t help but feel like a nuisance.

“Sorry. I’m sorry. Don’t be cross with me. I’ll take the bloody cardigan off.”

Sirius scoffed. His expression changed to something resembling disbelief. “It’s not you I’m cross with.” His eyes softened. “Re, it isn’t you.”

“Marco? He didn’t mean anything by it.”

“He’s made you look the saddest I’ve seen, maybe ever,” Sirius said quietly. “Look, let’s not do this, yeah? You know my thoughts on the guy.”

“Not really, no.” Remus took his cardigan off pointedly and balled it up in his lap. “You’ve never admitted outright that you don’t like him.”

“I don’t like him.” Sirius’s forehead creased, his eyes bright and defiant. Hearing him say it aloud was a blow. Remus had never been stabbed but he didn’t think the sensation would be all that different to how he was feeling at that moment. Seeing Remus’s expression, Sirius shrugged his shoulders. “I’m sure he’s got his good traits. He has, I’ve seen him be, you know, not a massive twat.” Sirius had never been all that good at making concessions. “I just don’t like the way he makes you feel... grateful to him. Or like he’s doing you a favour just by being with you.”

A moody silence fell on the room. Remus fixed his eyes determinedly on the huge Bowie poster Sirius had hanging over the bed.

“Maybe that’s not fair,” Sirius said eventually.

“You think he doesn’t like me as much as I like him?” Remus concentrated on Bowie’s mismatched eyes rather than make eye contact and betray his hurt.

“I actually don’t think it’s that at all,” Sirius said quickly. “I just think he’s got one hell of an ego. And your boyfriend should be there to build you up and make you feel great about yourself, but tonight he put you down. It’s not the first time I’ve seen it happen, either.”

Paddy nosed the door open and plopped himself down on the bed between them.

“When were the other times?”

“Remus.”

“No really. You’ve obviously been keeping a log of the behaviours of the man I love. So please, elaborate, Sirius.”

Sirius looked right at him, searching his face and sighed. “Well there was the Budapest incident.”

Remus instinctively rolled his eyes, knowing that he was referring to a trip he and Marco had taken a couple of years prior. The first day or so had been great. They had seen the sights, taken long, meandering walks along the river, spent blissful hours in bed, and eaten hearty bowls full of delicious local cuisine. After that, things had gone awry. On their second night, he and Marco had gone to an Indie bar where he had met a bunch of young Italians. Back then, Remus’s Italian wasn’t very good and he found it difficult to follow the conversation. He ended up very much on the fringes the whole night. As the gaggle of Italians moved on to the third bar, Marco flat out forgot Remus while he was in the toilet. He knew where they were heading but decided to leave them to it and retired to bed early, frustrated and alone.

“That was two whole years ago, Sirius. He’s grown up since then.”

“Can we just forget I said anything?” Sirius asked, absent-mindedly stroking Paddy behind the ears, cheeks tinged a little pink.

“Sure.” Remus plastered a passive look on his face. “Yeah, let’s forget it.” He hauled himself off the bed, too-tight jeans making their presence known as he did so. “Cocktails then?”

Sirius was still sat, leather-clad on the bed. He raised an eyebrow, slowly, carefully. “And you’ll keep the cardigan off?”

Remus huffed, the corner of his mouth tugging into a half smile in spite of himself. “I’ll keep the cardigan off.”

--

First to arrive was Dorcas, who burst into giggles as soon as she saw Remus, who had now donned his lurid yellow helmet. “You look so Eurotrash, it’s not even real.”

“Yes, yes, thank you,” he laughed as he nodded her into the house and took her coat, revealing her outfit which was quite astonishingly brilliant: a platinum blonde wig, power suit and large pearl earrings. She had a ‘Hillary 2016’ badge pinned to her lapel and wore stiff-looking beige tights and court shoes.

“Such an honour to have you here, Ms Clinton,” Remus bowed a little and hung her coat on the banister.

“Never forget,” she nodded solemnly, following him into the kitchen where he poured her a shocking pink drink from a pitcher.

“What on earth is this?” she asked, inspecting the cup with some hesitance.

“Sirius Black Murder Punch.” Sirius strode into the kitchen, chest on full display. He had acquired the biggest handlebar moustache Remus had ever seen, and a leather cap which was just the icing on the cake.

Remus’s shoulders shook with laughter. “Wow. Just wow.”

“Thank you,” he winked. “You must be Dorcas? Enchanté!” He walked over to her and shook her hand.

“The famous Sirius,” she smiled. “Lovely to meet you. Quite a lot of you tonight, in fact.” Sirius waggled his eyebrows and poured himself a drink.

James and Lily were next to arrive. James had gone all in on his costume, opting for a sleeveless shirt with more buttons open than fastened. He had joined the tight trouser club and was also wearing an American-style Police helmet, adhesive chest hair topping the outfit off nicely. On spotting Sirius, he ran across the kitchen and picked him up, slinging him over his shoulder with surprising ease. Sirius gasped with some surprise.

“Put me down, you prick,” he wheezed. “Since when did you start working out?” he asked, once James had put him down on the kitchen counter top.

“It’s all for you,” he smirked, dropping a less than subtle wink in his direction. He hooked his phone up to the speaker Sirius had insisted on spending the best part of a month’s rent on, and Beach House started pumping dutifully out. Remus could feel the vibration in his shoes. Sirius shuffled his way off the counter and went outside for a cigarette. Remus preoccupied himself by listening politely to Lily and Dorcas talking animatedly about tampon engineering until the doorbell rang.

Peter had given Marlene a lift. And the scene that greeted Remus as he opened the door to the two of them stood on the threshold, was incongruous at best. Peter’s cowboy outfit featured what could only be described as assless chaps. He wore them over loose boxer shorts which were emblazoned with tiny pink t-rexes. They were astonishing. Tucked into his pants was a checked shirt, three sizes too small. His stetson was pink and trimmed with sparkly feathers. Remus could barely take in his patent cowboy boots before his attention shifted to Marlene. She was almost unrecognisable: she wore a bald cap, tufted with a crown of white hair, half moon spectacles, an ill-fitting black suit and equally unappealing tie. Her lapel was adorned with a Vote Sanders 2016 badge.

Remus laughed aloud on seeing her. “You will not believe who’s inside,” he grinned kindly.

“What does that mean?” she asked. “Who?”

“I can’t wait to introduce you,” he winked. He beckoned them into the house and made them both a drink.

“Where have your trousers gone, Pete?” James grinned inanely on seeing his rotund friend.

“You told me to be risqué. This is that.”

“Sure is,” James smiled fondly. He turned his attention to Marlene, went to say something undoubtedly witty, then bent over in amusement. “Have you met Dorcas?” he said, steering the Hillary-clad woman in her direction.

Time stood still while Dorcas and Marlene surveyed each other. Remus was sure that they would get along, but judging by the way Marlene’s nostrils were flaring, he realised that he had been horribly mistaken.

“Hi,” Dorcas said coolly, straightening her wig.

“Hello,” Marlene replied. She whipped her phone out of her pocket and started staring intently at what Remus strongly suspected was a blank screen. She then nodded curtly and turned towards the bowl of murder punch, scooping a cupful from the murky depths of the bowl.

Sirius appeared beside Remus as if from nowhere. “What have I just stepped in on?” he muttered under his breath, their shoulders brushing together.

“All out war, as far as I can tell,” he whispered. “I thought they would get on like a house on fire.”

“Something’s on fire,” Sirius nodded his head in Marlene’s direction. Her cheeks were flame-red and she was muttering to herself animatedly - the very picture of a woman scorned, except that woman was Bernie Sanders, and the whole scene was very disorientating.

Paddy looked around the room and seemed to accept without question the sartorial choices of its inhabitants. Dogs were, apparently, much more accepting than Democratic candidates in this regard.

“What are we doing for your birthday, Sirius?” Lily asked, finally ceasing looking between Marlene and Dorcas with concern.

“Can’t this be it?” Sirius asked, taking a sip of punch.

“No!” Lily tutted. “I haven’t got you a present yet. So we’ll at least need to do the exchange on the day.”

“Well let’s just do this,” Sirius said. “People over, few beers, less leather, Pete wearing trousers.”

“That’s no fun,” Remus snorted. “How are we going to know which pants he’s wearing if they’re covered up by trousers?”

“Pervert.” Peter supplied from the corner. He straightened his stetson, releasing tiny bits of pink feather which fluttered slowly to the floor. “Are we all actually getting presents then? I never know the rules.”

“No.” Sirius said, slightly severely. “No fuss please.”

“Some fuss,” James interjected. “Your twenty four years cannot pass by unmarked.”

“How about charity shop presents?” Lily asked, looking around the room. “If Sirius insists, he can set a maximum spend and at least we’ll all be contributing to a good cause.”

“Deal. And the limit’s a fiver.” Sirius took another sip of punch. “Oh, and nothing that smells of mothballs. Took me a fucking lifetime to get rid of the smell from that blanket Lily bought me.”

“Ungrateful swine,” Lily muttered as she straightened Remus’s moustache for him.

Chapter 3: November

Remus glanced at his phone. It was nearing three in the morning, and he couldn’t keep his eyes open. He’d sobered up and now had only one thing on his mind; sleep. There was a major obstacle to his attaining this goal, though. He had opened the door to his bedroom to find a rugby friend of Sirius’s. Naked. And he was accompanied by a work friend of Lily’s. Also naked. The sight of his bare arse bobbing up and down so close to his antique lamp would haunt him for some time to come, he knew, but he decided to just shut the door and try his hardest to pretend that he had seen nothing. Second best option was the sofa, but Peter was spread out across its full length, snoring like a drain.

This was why Remus found himself knocking at Sirius’s door, hoping beyond all hope that he was alone. His prayers were answered when Sirius, in boxers and a t-shirt, opened the door. He had clearly been asleep, and his hair was mussed and wild; his eyes half closed and bleary.

“Sorry,” Remus whispered. “There are strangers humping in my bed. And the sofa’s occupado. And--”

“Come in,” Sirius mumbled, leaving the door ajar and shuffling back to his bed.

“Thanks mate. Can I grab a t-shirt too, please? Not sure you could pay me to stay in this outfit for another moment.”

Sirius barked a laugh. “Second drawer.”

Remus pulled the drawer open as quietly as possible and picked the first top he saw. He changed quickly and climbed into the bed beside Sirius. In the morning, he would have to find out where this mattress was from, he thought. It really was remarkably comfortable.

“Do you want another pillow?”

“I’m fine. Think I’ll be asleep in precisely ten seconds.”

“Okay. Night Re.”

“Night night.”

--

“Sirius Black, get your sexy arse out of bed and come and show me where you keep the Ricicles.” James’s voice bellowed through the hallway and the door slammed open with a humongous bang. “Oh. Morning, Remus! Beautiful day!”

“Die, Potter,” Remus muttered as his eyes adjusted to the morning light. “Can’t you control him?” he asked Sirius who was already awake and scrolling through his phone.

“Sorry, no can do. That’s Lily’s job these days.”

“Why Ricicles, specifically?” Remus asked.

“Sugar,” Sirius and James said at the same time.

“But of course.” Remus hauled himself out of bed, knowing that any attempt to get more sleep was now utterly futile. He wandered into the kitchen where Peter was sat in his pants, head in hands. “Morning Pete.”

“Mergggggh,” Peter groaned, unmoving.

“Coffee?”

“Coffee,” Peter nodded, then instantly regretted it, clutching his head.

Remus set about making the preferred drinks of everyone who had stayed over (and James and Lily who had flocked back first thing to revel in their hangovers in good company. Remus knew he would live to regret giving them a key). Sirius came into the kitchen wearing his ridiculous dog-shaped slippers and Paddy greeted him by jumping up.

“Excuse me, dear Patrick,” Sirius said haughtily, gently removing his paws from his torso. “I thought we’d discussed that jumping up is not an acceptable behaviour.” Paddy, suitably admonished, gave his hand a little lick and Sirius stroked him enthusiastically, either side of his head. “What are we doing today, then?” he asked, taking a cup from Remus with a grateful smile.

“Hike?” James asked, picking up his own cup. “We need to fix young Peter.”

“Ooh, yes. It’s a nice day,” Lily smiled. “And Pete can tell us all about how he struck out with Hayley then. I’ll invite Marls - she’ll want to hear all about it!”

“We can go and see the Coch!” Sirius enthused. “It’ll be Paddy’s first time!”

The gang often went on long, meandering walks, along the coast or inland. Sirius’s favourite destination was Castell Coch; an ostentatious, gothic castle set high up in the hills. He never tired of Coch-based puns, which usually doubled up as innuendos about Remus’s sex life, much to his chagrin. Remus loved getting out and seeing some of the loveliest scenery he could conceive of, while also getting just enough exercise that his muscles would be sore the next day. It was always nice to get away from the shackles of the internet, from work woes, from the four walls of his bedroom.

Getting Sirius out and into the countryside was also key to them sustaining their harmonious living arrangement. Like Paddy, he needed to be walked regularly and he quickly became stir crazy if, for any reason, he was cooped up for too long at home.

“Right,” Peter moaned, lifting his head the minimum amount to be heard. “I will come to the Coch, and I will tell you about my pitiful interactions with Hayley last night, but in exchange, I will need the loan of some hike-appropriate clothing and a nice cold pint.”

“Your terms seem reasonable,” Sirius laughed. “Jimmy, are we doing Movember this year?”

“No!” Lily squealed. “Sirius, I will have your guts for garters. He looks absolutely absurd with a moustache.”

“I wish I could grow one,” Peter moaned. “I just have this one really thick hair.”

“That’s hot,” Sirius nodded. “So what do you say?”

“I’m obviously in,” James grinned. “Sorry Lily, dearest. This is bigger than you and me. It’s about all the men and their prostates.”

“Can we not just make a donation? I’d gladly pay a hundred quid to charity if it means your top lip remains fuzz-free.”

“Sorry, love. That’s not the point.” James sipped his tea. “Are you joining us, Remus?”

Remus sighed. “For the prostates, I suppose so.”

James and Sirius exchanged delirious grins.

“I’m going to do Januhairy this year,” Marlene announced. Her bald cap had been abandoned but the Bernie eyebrows remained in place. “It’s where you don’t shave a single hair on your body, and you just fucking own it like a hairy badass.

“Lily does that in winter anyway,” James grinned.

“Oh,” Lily smiled wisely, “you ain’t seen nothing yet, Potter.”

“It’s fine. I like a big bush. Very seventies.”

“And me!” Marlene nodded. “I like getting all up in there.”

“It is far too early for all this vagina talk,” Remus said quietly.

“Men have bushes too, Remus,” Sirius laughed. “Rather talk about those?”

“How about no bush talk before lunch?”

“Prude,” Marlene huffed.

--

“Have you spoken to Marco yet?” Sirius asked him as they sat atop a low wall, admiring the view on a well-earned rest stop after they had climbed to the top of the hill. Paddy was off his lead, and running around sniffing every smell there was to sniff with unwavering gusto.

“Not yet,” Remus said. “I’ve decided I’m a bit cross, though. I mean, in the cold hard light of day, I think you had a point.

“Wow, steady on!”

“I know. But he was a bit of a dick, so I’ll have to have that chat with him, won’t I? About him being a bit of a dick.” Remus smiled sheepishly.

“I think that’s a good idea,” Sirius nodded, as if sealing the matter for good. “Look at those cows. Marvellous creatures. Their eyelashes are even longer than yours.”

“My eyelashes are completely normal and manly, thank you.”

“You’re right. Pretty manly. As in, the lashes of a pretty man.”

“Fuck off,” Remus huffed. “I could be macho if I wanted to.”

“Course you could, mate. Like last night. In those jeans. You were practically The Rock.”

“Whereas you looked positively rugged in all that leather.”

“Yes, thank you! Finally some recognition of my irrefutable burliness,” Sirius laughed. “What are you up to later? Want to do something? We could go and watch the new Spiderman?”

“Tom Holland in lycra? Yes, alright,” Remus nodded. “I’m going to have the double scoop of Ben and Jerry’s with the chocolate sprinkles, though, and you’re not allowed to judge.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Sirius beamed.

“Black!” James’s voice boomed out at them from somewhere in the woods below. “Black, come and take a look at this big fuck off toadstool!”

Sirius chuckled. He held his hand out. “How about it? Coming to see the big fuck off toadstool?”

Remus took his hand and got to his feet. “Do you even need to ask?”

--

Sirius’s birthday had passed like any other day, really. He and Remus had walked the dog, gone for lunch and Remus had spent the afternoon studying while Sirius took Paddy to a local puppy class. Once he was back, Remus made Sirius his favourite meal; chicken jalfrezi.

“Good God, this is good,” Sirius enthused as he tucked into a huge plate of food. “Are you one of those feeders who gets off on watching me pile on the pounds? Because you’re going the right way about it!”

“Oh no, you’ve got me!”

The front door banged open and into the kitchen walked James and Lily.

“God, it smells like Mum’s house!” James exclaimed. “Dreadful stuff, curry.”

“Erm, James, you’re Indian,” Sirius said flatly.

“Anglo-Indian.” James corrected. “And as such, I like chicken nuggets and hot cross buns and... and gravy. Curry is gross.”

“I bet your parents are so proud,” Remus said.

“Don’t get me started. I’m going to be a solicitor, got a good degree, got the girl,” he paused and winked at Lily who rolled her eyes, “and yet they still prefer this no-good reprobate.” He gestured towards Sirius.

“It’s the smoulder,” Sirius explained. “I’ll teach you how to do it one day. That and I actually enjoy the food your dad lovingly prepares for us.” He scraped the last of his curry into his mouth. “Mmm, birthday curry.” He flatly ignored James’s retching across the table.

Peter had given Marlene a lift and they arrived not long after the others.

“Drinking game?” Lily asked, grabbing them each a beer from the fridge and handing them out. “How about never have I ever?”

Remus groaned, but actually didn’t mind the game too much; at least one remained fully in control of the amount one drank when required. He always wondered whether the others bent the truth a little, but then Sirius and James weren’t exactly the types to feel ashamed of their previous antics.

Sirius started. “Right, easy one to start with. Never have I ever left Europe.”

Remus drank. He and his parents had been to Egypt a few times when he was a child, and he had been to New York on a school trip, way back when.

“Never have I ever taken magic mushrooms, had a bad trip, and stolen my hot neighbour’s cat,” James grinned.

Marlene huffed and rolled her eyes, taking a big swig. “That was one time! Right, never have I ever snogged anyone named Marlene. Everyone in the group took a swig and burst out laughing.

“Blimey, you get around, Marls. Never have I ever had a cock drawn on my back in suncream,” Lily giggled.

Peter moaned and took a drink. “Yes, once again, thank you for that one, Sirius. Now let’s see. Never have I ever sent a fully nude selfie.”

A murmur of surprise went around the group as Remus and Lily were the ones to take a drink. “Never have I ever shoplifted,” Remus blurted, hoping to move on as quickly as possible.

Sirius and Marlene took a drink, surprising precisely nobody. “Never have I ever got frosted tips,” Sirius grinned wickedly as James groaned and finished his beer.”

“David Beckham did it. So I did it. I am amazed that there are not more of us drinking here. We are children of the nineties, people.” He got up to get some more beer and planted himself back on the floor, snapping his can open and humming thoughtfully. “Okay, I’ve got a good one. Never have I ever had a crush on Sirius Orion Black.”

Remus’s stomach lurched. Oh for fuck’s sake. Did they really have to delve into this? He was not the only one to take a drink - Lily hilariously also sipped her beer furtively. However, all eyes were on him as he raised his can to his lips and he wished the ground would swallow him up.

Sirius raised an eyebrow in his direction and he knew that he was never going to escape without having to elaborate. He sighed, “It was a long time ago, okay? First year! I was eighteen and impressionable and I fancied you for... well for a bit. But in my defence, you looked a bit like a young Henry Cavill and I was going through a Cavill phase, and there aren’t many people hanging around Wigan who look like you. It’s not a big deal, okay?”

“Okay!” Sirius laughed and looked both thrilled and insufferably smug. “Et toi, Lily?”

“Oh shut up. You looked like a fucking male model and you always did that thing where you’d speak to someone and they felt like the only person in the room. You know what you do.”

Sirius nodded sheepishly. He did know.

“Moving swiftly on from my fanclub, then.” He winked at Lily, earning a derisive snort. “Never have I ever fallen into a stream because I was running away from a bumblebee.” He grinned at Remus again.

Remus rolled his eyes and took a sip. “You can go off people, Black,” he said with a little smile.

--

“So...” Sirius slid beside Remus on the sofa. “Enjoying the evening? Oh sorry, am I sitting too close? Let me know if you get a boner and I’ll back off a bit.”

“Oh God, you’re going to be insufferable forever now, aren’t you.”

“Even more so,” Sirius nodded. “So exactly what period are we talking about here? That you liked me.”

“First year.”

“When in first year?”

“Well, all of it,” Remus admitted, glancing up at Sirius. “I really don’t want this to get weird, okay?”

“When we say crush, what are we talking, here? A couple of sex dreams? A wank where you accidentally pictured me? Or... or more?”

Remus sighed, figured it couldn’t get all that much worse and turned to face him, leaning in slightly closer so he wouldn’t be overheard. “I liked you. A lot.” He registered Sirius’s eyebrows disappearing under his hair and pressed on. “I was really into you. You were just this... gorgeous, chaotic whirlwind that came into my life and I had never met anyone like you. You lived in the room next door and there was no escaping you. It... er, well it became a bit of a problem.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sirius asked, after a moment of quiet reflection.

“Well, it’s that old cliche, isn’t it? Fancying your straight best friend. I eventually got my shit together, realised there wasn’t anything doing there, and moved onto gayer pastures.” Sirius laughed incredulously. Remus’s cheeks were mortifyingly hot and red. “I did try once, actually. Remember that night we went to see Submarine at the student cinema? And then we went to the pub. You were asking me about my love life and whether I had my eye on anyone. I honestly tried to tell you and then I panicked and ran to the loo. I cut myself some slack for it these days, but it’s still embarrassing.”

“Oh, that’s what that was!” Sirius laughed. “I thought you had the shits.” His expression changed to a much more serious one. “So when you met Marco?”

“Yeah, he was pretty much my one way trip to getting over it,” Remus nodded. He twitched nervously in his seat. “I’d-- thought about you the whole summer - it was fucking pathetic. And then I met him and it felt like giving myself a shot at proper happiness rather than just pining over someone I knew was unattainable.”

Sirius fixed him with a strange, soft smile.

“Oh God, stop looking at me, this is dreadful. I’m never playing that stupid game again.”

“It’s fine, Re. Don’t be embarrassed, it doesn’t have to be weird. It’s all ancient history, yes?”

“Yes,” Remus nodded, and he meant it. It was all now safely locked away in a past life, in a past version of himself that had long since been superseded. Long may that stay the case, he thought. The doorbell rang; a welcome distraction, and he leapt up a little too quickly to answer the door.

Dorcas stood on the doorstep grinning. “I’m late, sorry. People still here?”

“They certainly are. Come in. Beer?”

“Please!” she nodded.

The two walked into the lounge where Marlene had launched into a tirade triggered by Sirius throwing his beer can into the bin rather than the recycling. She stopped mid-sentence on seeing the arrival.

“Hi,” she said quietly. “You... you look different without the wig.”

“Could say the same for you,” Dorcas smiled coyly and took a seat beside Sirius. “Sorry, I interrupted. You were calling Sirius a selfish prick?”

“Right,” Marlene nodded. She did continue her speech but the wind appeared to have left her sails a little.

“I totally agree with you, Marlene,” Lily nodded. ”I mean, why on earth are green issues only given any airtime by the left? These issues impact all of us, don’t they?”

“Well, you could say the same about the NHS, couldn’t you? Or policing. The right suffers too when they are taken away,” Remus chipped in. “It’s not going to be your average working Joe who gets burgled, it’s going to be some Tory Theodore who voted for the very same police cuts that meant the burglar was still at large. And for what? A bit of a tax break for you and all your Tory friends?”

“As much fun as this is,” Sirius smiled, “I think it might be present time.”

And really, the array of presents that the gang had bought for Sirius was quite exceptional. James had bought him the Donald Trump board game from the nineties, which Sirius quickly declared the best thing he owned. Lily had bought him a stained glass spray bottle - “for your house plants,” she had declared, while looking around and seeing that they had no house plants. Marlene had bought him no fewer than six Mills & Boon books, which he quickly opened and took to reading the funniest bits aloud to his captive audience. He opened Peter’s present next, which was a Celine Dion French vinyl for all his crooning needs, and Dorcas had got him a book on dog training.

Remus handed Sirius his present, which he began to unwrap slowly. He laughed as he saw that he had bought him ‘Cooking the Basics for Dummies’ and an apron printed with the image of Michelangelo’s David. “So you can branch out from the pancakes,” Remus grinned.

“Aha, you cheeky sausage. Right, I’m going to show you. I’ll make a veritable feast and then you’ll see that it’s less a capability issue and more a matter of willing.”

“Is that better?” Remus laughed.

“Much.”

--

Marlene cornered Remus in the kitchen as he was scratching his upper lip which had been driving him crazy all day. So far, he had resisted reaching for the razor but he couldn’t say how long he would be able to hold out.

“So, Dorcas,” she said mildly.

“Yes, Dorcas?” Remus nodded, distinctly amused.

“I think maybe I judged her too quickly,” Marlene said carefully.

“Right...”

“She’s... we’ll she’s really fucking hot.”

“I see,” he nodded.

“And I was wondering what... you know, what her deal is.”

“Her deal? Well she’s on my course. She is really into kickboxing. She has a cat, I think. Lives in Canton.”

“Yes, yes, very good. But is she a homosexual, Remus?”

Remus laughed in spite of himself. “She is.”

“Stop laughing! Is she single?”

“I think so,” he said. “She hasn’t mentioned anyone.”

“Okay,” Marlene nodded. “Okay. There is one slight issue, though, which is that I don’t seem to be able to talk when she’s around. Forming words becomes weirdly difficult. This is... alien.”

“I must admit, I’ve never known you short of something to say.”

“No, hmm? Well, grow a pair of tits and start getting all moony eyed over Dante and maybe you’ll see it.”

“I’m already moony eyed over Dante.”

“No tits though.”

“No,” Remus conceded.

The night got a little hazy after that point. Sirius dug out their old karaoke machine and insisted that they all take a turn. And there weren’t many things that Remus truly hated, but karaoke was definitely up there towards the top of the list. Nonetheless, he girded his loins and concluded his brave rendition of Boyzone’s ‘No matter what’ with a little bow. He had unknowingly paved the way for a string of boy band covers: Take That, Westlife, Five. Marlene’s ‘Mmmbop’ was considered the triumph of the evening. Sirius spent the night with a grin the size of the Severn Bridge plastered on his face, and that was the main thing.

--

The next fortnight passed uneventfully. The moustaches were making excellent progress, for the most part, although Remus’s was slightly less impressive than the others’ due to his fairer hair and general lack of exotic genes. Sirius and Peter had continued with their singing lessons and were making steady progress, having worked their way through half of the songs that were to feature in the pantomime. Peter’s voice was getting stronger every day and Sirius was like a proud mother hen rearing her slightly warbly chick. Remus and Sirius had taken Paddy to a couple of agility classes, which he had taken to like a duck to water. He especially liked the see-saw- so much so that he occasionally refused to get off. Remus and Marco had gone from speaking once a day to once every-other day and now were just chatting when they found a moment, which was increasingly seldom.

Exactly two weeks after Sirius’s birthday, Remus found himself in a particularly good mood. He had just come out of his favourite seminar of the week and that morning, he had supervised a bunch of first years in their discussion of Natalia Ginzburg’s ‘Caro Michele’, which was a personal favourite of his. Their ideas were pretty insightful and he liked pushing himself out of his comfort zone and playing professor.

As he came out of his seminar, the feeble November sun poked its head out and he was struck by a sense of unusual calm. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he saw Marco’s face looking up at him on Facetime. He smiled, plugged his headphones in and answered.

“Hi there,” he grinned.

“Ciao amore mio! Come stai?”

“Good, really good! How’s it going?” Remus asked.

“Feel like dirt,” Marco moaned. “We went out last night and things got a bit wild.”

“I take it this is more come down than hangover then?”

“Yup.”

Remus felt a familiar sense of unease rise up in his chest. Marco had always been adventurous when it came to recreational drug use. Remus, on the other hand, partook in the occasional joint but otherwise steered clear. He couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable that his boyfriend was so cavalier and there had been more than one occasion where they had gone out together and he and his friends had dropped MDMA and turned into gormless, dancing puppets while Remus stood and watched in the corner and went home early and alone.

“Hmm, well make sure you drink something other than coffee. I know you,” Remus chided.

“Yes,” Marco nodded, a slightly sad expression flickering over his face before it was replaced by his professional smile.

“I led a first year seminar this morning,” Remus said with a shy smile. “On ‘Caro Michele’.”

“Oh, I never liked that book,” Marco dismissed.

“Oh,” Remus said, because he didn’t know what else to say.

“What are you doing with the rest of your day?”

“I’ll go home and cook, probably. Then pub quiz later.”

“Great! Enjoy! Speak soon, caro.”

And then he was gone, leaving Remus feeling distinctly unfulfilled and deeply, profoundly lonely. His good mood was relegated to the recent past. In a bid to resurrect it, he went to the library cafe and bought himself the fancy Earl Grey and a jam tart. He then settled in the library to complete a couple of assignments that would set him up well for the next week or so and leave him free to complete some additional independent research.

When he got home, the house was empty. After a solitary day, he would have been glad of some company but Sirius must have been out walking the dog, so he set about making enough dhal to feed the street. Sirius, as he had an uncanny habit of doing, walked through the door at the moment the food was ready.

“Oh, I do like you,” he said as Remus ladled a large portion into a bowl and laid it on the table. “Good day?”

“Not bad thanks. Spent it on campus.”

“Oh yeah? What did you get up to?” Sirius asked, looking up at him from his dhal.

“I taught a seminar actually, to a bunch of super keen first years. I’m sure we were never that young in first year.”

“You taught a seminar? Wow, that’s brilliant, Professor Lupin! What was it on?”

Remus was slightly taken aback by Sirius’s enthusiasm, but he supposed that it was his first time teaching a class and it did feel like a big deal. “This book called Caro Michele.”

“Any good?”

“I like it. The whole book is just letters back and forth between a guy in the 70s who has to flee Italy because of his political activism and all the people he loves.”

“Is it translated?” Sirius asked. “Could I read it?”

“I think I actually have a translated copy around here somewhere. I’ll dig it out for you.”

“Thanks mate. Ready for some quiz action later?”

“I’m a bit frazzled. I’m tempted to stay in, drink tea and watch a film or something.”

“Come out,” Sirius urged gently. “You could invite Dorcas and watch Marlene turn as red as a beetroot and forget how to talk.”

“That is my favourite hobby,” Remus smiled.

--

“I don’t think I’ve got any more ships in me!” Marlene exclaimed with her head in her hands later that evening. They were on the ninth round of the quiz which was a specially devised nautical anagram round. They had named every ship they could think of and still had only completed half of the blanks. “This is such a boy quiz. I have never known a literature round where literally every answer was a white male.”

Marlene had, by now, drunk enough that she seemed to have forgotten her newfound shyness around Dorcas. She was being her usual loud, feminist self. Dorcas kept glancing appreciatively at her, though Remus was sure Marlene was too engrossed in the quiz to have noticed. The quiz was pretty much her raison d’être, to the extent that she was the only one who was allowed to write on the answer sheet. Occasionally, she let Sirius do the marking, but only if he was in a sensible mood. This evening, he was not allowed.

The thing with the quiz was that they always started off pretty well. Their first rounds were always high scoring and their answers considered. As the evening progressed, however, beer was consumed. And the more beer, the more ridiculous their answers became. As they embarked on the final round, things were not looking good. Remus got a round in, including a ridiculously strong and rare Belgian beer for Sirius.

“Ooh, yummy!” Sirius eyed his beer and took a sip. “Well that is bloody fucking delicious. It’s all sweet and toasty but then there’s a bitterness at the end, like an oral surprise.”

“Speaking of oral surprises,” James waggled his eyebrows at Sirius, who put his arm round him and made sultry eyes in his direction.

“Get a room, you two,” Lily slurred a little.

“Question seven:” the quizmaster began. “How many sides does a pentagon have.”

Marlene scribbled her answer on the page.

“Marls, I’m not sure about that one--”

“Fuck off, Black. What’s your problem?”

“Well, you’ve just written ‘yes’.”

“And?”

“And I’m not sure that’s the amount of sides a pentagon has,” Sirius laughed.

“Yes,” she said firmly, leaving the answer unchanged.

“Question eight: What type of food is a yam?”

“Bread,” Peter said, nodding slightly manically.

“It’s like a squash or something, or a spud,” James said sagely.

“Sweet spud,” Remus laughed. “Is that a thing?”

“You’re the wisest of all of us,” Marlene winked and scribbled ‘sweet spud’ in the answer box.

“Who wants to go to the ice hockey on Saturday?” Sirius asked. “It’s been a while.” There was a murmur of agreement and they launched into excitedly making plans.

They missed question nine.

“Question ten: ophidiophobia is a fear of what?”

“Willies,” Lily giggled.

And that was the extent of their quizzing prowess that night.

Remus and Sirius got home around eleven. The house was warm because they had indulgently left the heating on while they were out. Paddy, whom they had left at home, greeted them warmly and Remus took him for a quick walk around the block. He came back to Sirius curled up under a blanket on the sofa and sat down beside him.

 

“Want some?” Sirius asked, lifting the blanket up so that Remus could drape it over his lap, too. Remus gratefully pulled half over himself and felt suddenly slightly hazy from beer.

“What’s this?” he asked, heavy eyes starting to get the better of him.

“The Fog. You’ve never seen it? It’s fantastic - supremely 80s.”

They watched, enraptured, as various groups of people with poodle perms congregated in a church and waited to succumb to the fog.

“What’s in the fog?” Remus asked.

“I don’t know, some old pirates, I think. That’s not really the point.”

“No, of course,” Remus teased. He was asleep in minutes.

--

“Marco, you’re overreacting,” Remus sighed. This was the second time they had spoken that week, and the second time they had fought.

“Overreacting how? You’re so cold, Remus, how do you expect me to react?”

“I’m not cold, I’m just practical. I haven’t got any money right now. You know that, we’ve been through it, and you’re making it harder. Flights to Rome don’t just grow on trees. Not on my student loan, at least, and I think you could be a little more understanding.” Remus’s face was red with anger and exasperation. He stood in the cold at the bus stop and his fingerless gloves meant that he could not feel his fingertips.

“I don’t understand,” Marco shook his head, appearing pixelated on Facetime but the gesture still apparent. “I know what it really is. You don’t want to come here, see me, be together.”

“Oh for--” Remus steeled himself. “Of course I want to; I do. I just have barely got enough cash to buy food, let alone a bloody plane trip, Marco.”

“I can’t-” Marco sighed. “I don’t want to always be apart. Long distance is one thing but how long can we go on if we don’t see each other? You find money to go out with your friends, for costumes with moustaches, to do things with Sirius.”

“For living, you mean?” Remus asked, astonished, and flat out ignoring the insinuation. “Yes, I do find the money. You’re right. How dare I live like anything other than a monk, sitting at home, pining for you all day every day? Can you even hear yourself? I love you, you silly, lovely man. But I was never going to be able to come every couple of weeks, was I?”

“No,” Marco said sullenly. “But I didn’t expect this.”

And then he hung up. Remus, now close to tears, hopped on the bus and went home, wondering why he even bothered.

Sirius was on the phone when he got back. “Okay,” he said moodily. “Yeah, I’ll think about it. Got to go.” He glanced up at Remus as he came into the lounge and hung up. “Regulus,” he said, as if that explained anything. Remus knew that they hadn’t spoken in a couple of years and that Regulus was still tied up in what Sirius termed the Black family bullshit. “He’s got a new girlfriend, apparently. Thinks he might marry her. Wants me to meet her.”

“Oh, wow.”

“Yes, wow,” he smirked. “I bet she’s ghastly. Anyway, I said that I didn’t want to see him. Nothing’s changed and he’s still... well, you know. He thinks I’m going to change my mind. But I don’t really do that, do I?”

“Not routinely, no.” Remus eyed his best friend and laughed.

“I’m making dinner tonight,” Sirius announced grandly. “Chicken nuggets, chips and beans.”

Remus laughed a full belly laugh. “You do spoil me, Sirius.” He played with the drawstring on his hoodie. “I’m trying to wait an appropriate amount of time before telling you that I’ve had a big fight with Marco.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I think--” he paused. “Maybe this isn’t going to work,” he said. His words were laced with a sense of calm that he didn’t quite feel to his core.

“I didn’t know you two were having problems.” Sirius looked at Remus curiously.

“We’re not, really,” Remus sighed. “We haven’t been speaking that much lately, and when we do, we just seem to argue. Like, we’re not lining up properly.”

“Well you’ve been together a long time. You must have had your moments before?”

“Of course,” Remus nodded. “But then we’d... you know, kiss and make up. We can’t do that now. And he just doesn’t get that I’m broke. I can’t just hop on a plan whenever the mood takes me.”

Sirius didn’t respond to that, and just sat looking at Remus.

“I don’t know what to do,” Remus mumbled, twiddling his thumbs.

Sirius scrunched up his face in thought. “I think you should go to Rome. Term ends in a couple of weeks, doesn’t it? I’ll help you out with the ticket. It’s not a big deal.”

“I can’t--”

“Yes, you bloody well can,” Sirius interrupted. His half-cocked smile was in full force on his face and there was usually no reasoning with him when he had that expression on. “Tell you what, we can make it less of a big deal. Lily has been wanting to go to Rome for donkey’s years. And I bet she and James can get a couple of days off work. I’ll come too and that way it’s just a holiday that we all go on and you can see Marco as an aside. What do you think?”

“You’re too much.”

“I am, I know. But it’ll be fun. I love Rome. The gelato alone is worth the trip. Plus, I worked out how to tap into the Black air miles a good three years ago, so it won’t cost much at all.” Sirius raised an eyebrow, challenging Remus to refuse.

Remus drew in a sharp breath through his nose. “Will you let me establish a payment plan?”

“Only if it’s interest free,” Sirius grinned.

Chapter 4: December

Notes:

Well, lock down is good for one thing. I'm being much more prolific than my usual foggy brain allows - enjoy!

“I don’t know what to pack! Is it light jacket weather? Full-on coat? Will it rain? Should I bring a brolly?” Lily was sat making a list at the kitchen table of their Canton house. Sirius and Remus had gone over to finalise Rome plans as they were heading off in a few days’ time.

“I was there in December one year and it snowed,” Remus explained. “Just to be on the safe side, I’d prepare for all eventualities.”

“Got it.” Lily scribbled ‘prepare for all eventualities’ in her notebook.

James fondly rolled his eyes at her. “I’m just going to bring a hoodie and a hat and hope for the best.”

“No way, mister. We’re going shopping and getting you a new wet coat.”

“Wet coat?” Sirius smirked.

“Yes, you know, like an anorak,” Lily explained. “The zip on his is broken and I keep having to do it up for him, like he’s a toddler.”

“Can I just buy one online?” James asked hopefully.

“No. Every time you buy something online, it doesn’t fit and you never return it. We can pop to the shops and if you’re good, I’ll reward you with a pint.”

“You strike a hard bargain, Evans. But I accept your terms.” James winked. “So are we going to meet you two at the airport?”

“May as well,” Sirius nodded. “No sense meeting before when we’re coming from different directions. We’ll be there five hours early, I’d imagine.” He gestured at Remus.

“I like to leave plenty of time,” Remus said haughtily. “There is nothing worse than not leaving enough time to get on a flight.”

“Famine,” James chipped in.

“Female genital mutilation,” Sirius added.

“Sirius!” Lily chided.

“What? I’m a feminist, Lily,” he laughed. “More coffee?” he asked the group, standing to put the kettle on.

--

Just under a week later, they touched down in Rome. They got the train straight from the airport to Tiburtina station which was not too far from where Sirius, James and Lily were staying in the hip student village of San Lorenzo. They decided to walk so they could take in the hustle and bustle of the streets - it all came back to Remus like he had been there just a week prior, and he didn’t have to stop and look at directions once.

He parted with the others in the piazza and walked down the street towards the bar where he had arranged to meet Marco. On hearing that he had booked his flight, Marco had been cautiously thrilled. They had spoken much more often in the last few days and had made plans together about what they wanted to do while he was there. It was Marco’s suggestion to meet just the two of them and let the others settle into their hotel while they got some quality time together. Remus walked slightly more slowly than he needed to so that he had a chance to emotionally prepare himself to see him again. September felt like such a long time ago, and he hoped beyond hope that nothing would have changed.

Rounding the corner, he saw Marco, leaning against the wall of the bar, smoking a rollup. He spotted Remus, threw his cigarette to the ground and smiled. He walked towards Remus, arms outstretched and embraced him with the sort of enthusiasm it was pretty impossible to fake. And God, he smelled like he always did, and he hugged in a way that was so wonderfully familiar. Relief flooded Remus as Marco took his face in his hands and kissed him; softly at first but then harder and with the same expertise that Remus had come to love, and that had been so severely lacking for the last few months. Remus would have quite happily just melted into him; so perfect was the moment.

“Hey,” Marco grinned after several gorgeous seconds.

“Hi,” Remus laughed, squeezing Marco’s hand and kissing him once more for good measure.

“Shall we go in and get a drink?” Marco asked, already leading him into the bar.

They ordered Aperol Spritzes and chatted easily about the journey, the weather, Remus’s research, their families. Remus felt giddy and guilty in equal measure. How had he thought for even a moment that this wasn’t worth the pain? He sat, watching Marco’s mouth as he spoke. And in his sex-starved state, he pictured those lips doing much filthier things than just talking, feeling a jolt of arousal as he did.

“Is Danilo home?” Remus asked, longing for the answer to be no.

“He’s at work until later this evening,” Marco grinned. “He’ll be back around dinner time so I thought I could cook for you, him, and all your friends. We’ll make a thing of it.”

“Great,” Remus nodded. “But in the meantime, let’s get you out of those clothes.”

Marco growled his appreciation and they left their drinks half-drunk and headed to the flat.

--

The first time they’d had sex since September was a quick and desperate affair, and neither of them lasted long at all. It wasn’t an issue, since they had all afternoon to try again, and try again they did. The second was tender, loving, slow. And when Remus came, he did so with Marco’s name on his lips and his fingers pressed into the firm, tanned flesh of Marco’s shoulders. It was so lovely, and so brilliantly all-encompassing, that Remus wondered again how he had gone without.

They showered together afterwards and laughed and caressed and lathered until they were clean enough to emerge. Marco wrapped Remus in a huge, fluffy towel and kissed him on the forehead.

“So glad you’re here,” he breathed in a fragile whisper. Remus shut his eyes against the kiss and felt more than a little overwhelmed with love.

Afterwards, they lay on the bed together and talked, really talked, about everything that they had done wrong in those last few months; every insecurity and doubt; every careless retort.

--

Sirius and the others arrived just after eight. Marco, ever the attentive host, handed them each a glass of exquisite Italian wine on arrival and put out some of the fattest, juiciest olives Remus had ever tasted.

“The hotel is brilliant,” Lily said as Remus topped up her glass. “So Italian, and there’s a jazz pianist who seems to be a permafixture. And this afternoon we went to the Vatican Museums - absolutely fascinating.”

“I’m surprised Sirius didn’t burn up on entry,” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“I’m going to get one of those Swiss Guard outfits and wear it to parties.” Sirius took a sip of his wine and laughed quietly at his own joke. He did that quite a lot, actually, now Remus thought about it. Usually, Remus was there to laugh with him, but he didn’t suppose his absence was enough to put him off if not.

A key jangled in the front door and into the flat stepped the man Remus assumed must be Danilo, Marco’s flatmate. Everyone fell silent. And Danilo became this presence in the room that nobody had been prepared for. He was handsome; strikingly so, with his hipster glasses and hair that was much fairer than the average Italian’s. He was tall, too, and dressed nicely in a pressed blue shirt and slim fitting trousers. His eyebrow creased as he surveyed the room, then he broke out into a huge, charming grin.

“Remus!” He dragged Remus up from his seat and kissed him on each cheek, as if they were already well acquainted. “I’ve ‘eard much about you. Mi ‘spiace, my English not great.”

“Non preoccuparti,” Remus said in easy Italian.

“Please, introduce me with your friends,” Danilo smiled, looking around at the others.

“This is Sirius, James and Lily. We all went to university together.”

“Piacere,” Danilo said, shaking each of their hands in a clumsily British gesture. “Good meeting with you.”

Marco stepped into the room and he and Danilo started speaking in very quick Roman dialect that even Remus struggled to understand.

“Dinner is nearly ready,” Marco smiled, a little tensely. “Please, come to the table when you’re ready.”

They all sat down. The smells emanating from the kitchen were incredible. Marco emerged moments later with a huge bowl of spaghetti alle vongole which he dished out in generous portions. They engaged in easy chat. Danilo told them about his role in local government and about the licensing struggles he’d encountered earlier that day. Where he occasionally struggled to translate, Marco stepped in and interpreted. Remus liked Danilo instantly. He was a real Italian charmer, and he was known to have a weakness for those. When Danilo made a point of getting up and making them all his trademark panna cotta, Remus was sold; he was an all round Decent Chap.

Lily, James and Sirius headed off around ten and left them to it. Remus and Marco did the washing up while Danilo dried and put everything away. They spoke in Italian, of music and academia, and Remus liked Danilo more by the moment. When Marco announced that it was time for bed, Danilo also said that he was also going to head off. And perhaps Remus was imagining it but he thought that he looked a little put out.

They headed into Marco’s room. After the buzz of the evening, it seemed deadly quiet. But Marco reached out for Remus and took him into his arms. He kissed him soundly and led him to the bed.

--

Remus left Marco’s early the next morning. Marco needed to head off to work and Remus had plans to meet the others and go to the Pantheon. He walked the whole way rather than get the metro. The sun was stronger here than it was at home and he relished the opportunity to take in some familiar sights. He strolled past the church of Santa Maria Maggiore which conjured memories of nights he spent on his year abroad, drinking on the steps with other international students into the early hours. He kept walking, past the crowds huddled around the Trevi fountain and on to the Pantheon. He was first so he went for a quick espresso around the corner and came back just in time to see the others approaching.

“Morning,” he smiled.

“Good morning!” Lily grinned. “Did you have a nice night?”

“I did,” Remus nodded. “Slept like a log.”

Sirius nodded at him in greeting. He wore dark jeans, trainers and his leather jacket with a white band t-shirt and Ray-Bans. He was someone who could be transplanted seamlessly into a foreign place and still look completely at home. Remus clocked at least three different people checking him out just while they stood in the piazza.

He nodded back, smirking.

They walked into the Pantheon and did as everyone else did; instantly looked up. And if Remus had forgotten how spectacular it was, it didn’t take him long to remember. He watched as James reverently felt for Lily’s hand as they took it in. Sirius was quiet for at least a whole minute, which was possibly the longest he had ever managed. He took himself off and looked around the church, taking in the tombs and notices. Remus clocked him lighting a candle, which felt incongruous with the atheist Sirius he knew. Such was the power of the Pantheon. Remus just stood and took it all in.

They stepped, blinking, back out into the bright piazza. Sirius still looked pensive and smiled softly and nodded at Remus as he quirked an eyebrow, silently asking if he was okay.

“I just don’t understand,” James said once he could see again. “How?”

“How what?” Remus asked.

“How did they do it? How is it so old? How?”

“Welcome to Rome,” Remus laughed. “Anyone hungry yet? I know a good little pizza place around the corner.”

“Nobody’s going to say no to that,” James grinned.

They found the taverna with little trouble. James took it upon himself to ask for a table. And if Sirius looked right at home wherever he found himself, James had never looked more British in Rome. His trainers were too white, anorak too shiny, glasses too uncool.

“Un tavolo per quattro,” he almost shouted at the poor waitress who smiled politely and showed them the way.

“Now, I know we’re a group of meat feast lovers,” Remus said, surveying the menu. “But I am about to ask you to trust me and order the mozzarella. The tomatoes and basil are insane and you really don’t need to complicate things further.”

Sirius and Lily trusted his recommendation. James ordered the pepperoni. Loudly.

--

That evening, they met Marco and Danilo for aperitivo - essentially a buffet of beautifully fresh Italian food, accompanied by crisp, tasty lager. It was Remus’s heaven. “I’m going to gain a stone while we’re here,” he announced, tucking into his pasta.

“You’re doing it wrong if you don’t,” Lily agreed, shovelling focaccia into her mouth.

“Why aren’t there more fat Italians?” James pondered through a mouthful of bread.

“Genetics,” Marco grinned, taking a sip of beer. “We also live longer. All that olive oil and tomatoes.”

“Shall we move here, James?” Lily laughed.

“So what did you get up to today?” Marco asked. They told him about the Pantheon, then lunch, then the walking tour they had taken around the centre which took them to Piazza Navona, the Trevi Fountain, and the Spanish Steps.

“Lovely,” Marco smiled. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get the day off. But I’ll be there all day tomorrow. What shall we do?”

“You must go to, come si dice, al colosseo?” Danilo turned to Marco for a translation. Remus wasn’t expecting him to be there again that evening, but he supposed it was nice to have another perspective on the best things to do. He was sat beside Marco, again, and Remus wondered if there was a little something in the way he looked at him. Something... deeper, almost possessive.

“The Colosseum,” Marco nodded. “And the forum. Then we can go up Via del Corso, see the shops, then up to Piazza del Popolo.”

“Sounds good,” Remus nodded, secretly thrilled that they would have their own native guide. “Vieni tu, Danilo?”

“No, not tomorrow,” Danilo smiled ruefully. “I work again.”

--

After they had well and truly stuffed themselves, they meandered back to San Lorenzo and went for another beer in the piazza. Around nine, Remus and Marco excused themselves in a bid to get some privacy and maybe even an early night.

They lay on Marco’s bed, exchanging lazy, contented kisses and the sort of knowing, tender touches that can only happen with someone you know intimately.

“I like your sheets.” Remus ran his fingers up and down Marco’s side, eliciting a delicious shiver.

“Thanks; they’re new, actually. Bought them a couple of weeks ago.” Marco hooked his foot over Remus’s. “Your feet are cold,” he laughed. “Want to borrow some socks?”

Remus nodded and extracted himself to go to Marco’s chest of drawers. Marco got up too and went to use the bathroom. He opened the top drawer and pulled out a pair of warm, fluffy-looking socks. As he did, Remus’s hand brushed against the sharp corner of a Polaroid photograph, which scratched him a little. He instinctively pulled his hand back before putting it back into the drawer to investigate the source of the pain. He pulled the photograph out and inspected it, curiosity getting the better of him. His heart wrenched almost violently as he realised what it was.

The photo was of Marco. He was naked; slim and toned and tanned. And erect. The photo had been taken from above; by somebody stood over him. Marco’s arm fell across his eyes and he was grinning a megawatt bulb grin. His brown skin stood out against the stark white of the very same sheets that Remus had admired just moments before. The new sheets. Which had to mean that the picture was also new.

He wanted to throw up. He couldn’t breathe; couldn’t think. His heart threatened to burst right out of his chest, and he had to sit down before his legs collapsed underneath him. He heard the toilet flush through the door and he desperately felt like he needed more time to collect his jagged thoughts; to play through the conversation in his head. But that was a luxury that was not afforded to him as Marco reappeared, humming to himself. He froze in the doorway as his eyes focused on what Remus was holding.

“Remus,” he said quietly. He reached out limply in Remus’s vague direction then let his hand fall to his side.

“Who took this?” Remus asked, fighting his urge to look anywhere but Marco’s shocked, paling face. “Marco, tell me right now. Tell me who took it.”

Remus watched as Marco’s face twitched, as he rooted around in the back of his mind for some sort of excuse. The silence was deafening, incriminating, agonisingly long.

“Oh God,” Remus whispered as realisation dawned on him. “It’s Danilo, isn’t it? He took the picture?”

There was a long pause; a silence more silent than Remus had ever known as he stared deep into the chasm of their newly ruptured relationship. Then, a barely perceptible nod from Marco. And in one moment, all the good was undone: the gentle touches, the intimate knowledge of the other’s hopes and dreams, the body positivity, the unflinching trust, the jokes and tears and optimism - all erased in an instant.

Remus made a conscious effort to still his pounding heart, lest it tear him in two. He drew in a shaky breath which didn’t seem to fill his lungs. His cheeks burned and the swooping feeling in his stomach reached its agonising, boiling peak. His voice shook as he spoke. “I don’t want to leap to any conclusions here, Marco. But from where I’m standing, there’s really no innocent explanation for this photo.” He sounded much calmer than he felt. “So I’m going to let you tell me that I’m wrong; that I’m jumping to conclusions, putting two and two together to make five. But... but when you do tell me that, I’ll probably struggle to buy into it, to be honest. Because, this isn’t a photo taken by a friend, is it?”

To Remus’s surprise and revulsion, Marco shook his head. “Remus,” he said again, but Remus suspected he didn’t know how to form the words he was trying to say. “It happened,” he said eventually, and Remus’s chest physically hurt. “I mean, it has happened. More than once.”

Remus breathed in and nodded as Marco dared to sit beside him on the bed.

“How many times?”

“Does it matter?”

“No. No, it doesn’t matter.” Remus thrust his hands into his pockets, determined not to show that they were shaking. He sat in silence for a moment. “Why?” he asked, eventually. “I mean, if you were unhappy, or-- or lonely, you could have said. We could have worked through it. I would have understood. Or if you were really, truly miserable, you should have done the decent fucking thing and broken up with me. But-- but this, is--” he shook his head sadly.

“I know, okay? I do know. I fucked up.” Marco reached his hand out to try to take Remus’s but Remus batted it away.

“No!” Remus’s voice was pure venom now, and he felt a fresh surge of hurt and anger rise from within him. “No, this is not a fuck up. A fuck up is... I don’t know, a kiss. A quick snog that means nothing.”

“This meant nothing. Come on, Remus, I swear.”

Remus laughed; a high-pitched, mirthless thing. “Maybe to you,” he said, coolly. “How long? When did it start?”

“Halloween.” Marco’s head was in his hands now, and he looked distinctly pitiful, though Remus resisted the urge to throw any pity his way. “I just-- I saw you in your costume, and I was so sure that guys were going to hit on you. You always look lovely but you looked, as James would say... shaggable. I was jealous. So jealous. I just pictured you with someone else’s hands on you, touching you.”

“So you thought you’d get in there first?”

“So I turned to a friend for comfort. And one thing led to another. It wasn’t... I didn’t mean...” Marco looked straight at Remus. “You look so sad.”

“Yeah. Yeah, surprising, that.” Remus breathed in deeply. “I think-- I think if it had happened once, I’d be heartbroken but I could, you know, maybe begin to understand. But this wasn’t a drunken shag for validation. This was prolonged, and-- and sustained. And you had plenty of time to think about what you were doing before falling into bed with him.”

“I don’t know what I was thinking. Having you here, seeing your lovely face, speaking with you has been... last night was so lovely. And this evening. And I remembered why we were so good together.”

“I never forgot,” Remus said sharply.

Marco looked up from his hands. His eyes glistened with unshed tears. “I love you,” he said, but it came out as a croak.

“No.” Remus stood, letting the photo flutter to the floor. He could feel the blood pumping in his temples and his toes. “No, you can’t actually. Because I do love you. And that love, Marco, makes it unthinkable that I would ever do anything to hurt you, or to knowingly make you feel how I’m feeling now.” He was hovering precariously close to tears, but didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. “I’m... yeah, I’m going to go now.”

“Please don’t go!” Marco fell to his knees and clutched his hands around the back of Remus’s knees desperately. “Don’t make me beg, Remus. Don’t go. You can’t go. Please, this can’t be it.”

Remus looked down at him. And his eyes were the most beautiful, soulful things he had ever seen. He wanted, more than anything, to kiss him, and fall into his arms, and make it all better. But even in the half-insane stupor of his sadness, he knew there was no better, now; not with Marco.

He needed to get out. If he left now, he thought he might be able to emerge with a shred of dignity in tact. He prised Marco’s hands off him, gathered his bag and put his shoes and jacket on. He forced himself to breathe. Marco looked so forlorn that he thought, for a moment, that he might change his mind. But he resolutely set one foot in front of another and somehow he reached the door of the flat.

“Bye, Marco,” he said, head held high. “I’m keeping the socks.” And with that, he set off down the staircase, looking straight ahead. He passed Danilo on the staircase. “Arrivederci, Fuckface,” he said gleefully, not looking back to see his reaction.

As he emerged outside, he felt a rush of glee; pride at his own strength which had armed him well enough that he could walk away. This was quickly drowned by a fierce wave of panic and doubt. What on earth had he done? How, when an hour ago, everything had been perfectly splendid, had he gutted his life from the inside out and turned every aspect of it on its head?

But then, he hadn’t done that really, had he? Marco had. Marco had gutted his life from the outside in. Marco, whom he had trusted, believed, loved.

He didn’t know where the others were. He didn’t even actually know where their hotel was. He didn’t know where he was going to sleep that night. He stared at the bright signs of bars and restaurants in every direction. Heavy drizzle hung in the air and he just stood, clutching his rucksack, getting wet. A gaggle of teenagers walked past, jabbering in loud, fierce Italian, without a care in the world. As if by magic, Remus’s phone vibrated in his pocket.

A text from Sirius showed up on his screen: ‘I know it’s late but we are at a place called La Piazzetta if you guys want to join x’

Remus sighed in relief. He knew the place well from his year abroad. Renato, the tiny man who served the strongest, cheapest mojitos in all of Rome, had been a big fixture of the year he had spent there. With Marco, mostly. And the friends they shared, whom he would now have to surrender custody of to Marco, which hardly seemed fair.

He stood on the threshold of La Piazzetta. Throngs of young adults spilled out of the small bar into the square, taking shelter under a gazebo, giving the place an excited, international buzz. He didn’t really want to sit with his friends and make small talk. He felt embarrassed about telling them after they had come all this way with him so that they could see the man who had broken his heart on the second night of the trip.

Sirius glanced up, and stopped what he was saying mid-sentence, his gesticulation paused in midair. The expression on Remus’s face must have belied his anguish and Sirius stood up straight away. His chair grated noisily on the tile floor, and he made his way to the door, looping his arm to link with Remus’s and leading him to a quiet space under the canopy.

“What did he do?” Sirius asked darkly, his cold, icy eyes looking nothing less than terrifying. Remus didn’t know what to say, or how to frame it. “Remus,” he reached out and tilted Remus’s chin up almost painfully gently, inspecting his face, “did he hurt you?”

“No, no,” Remus shook his head. He felt teary and small and was incredibly glad that it was just the two of them. “He... well, he cheated on me. With Danilo. They have been,” he breathed in through his nose, “having sex for weeks.”

Sirius’s nostrils flared and his face drained of all colour. “I’ll break his fucking nose,” he said in a low growl.

“Sirius, please.”

“No,” Sirius looked apoplectic. “No, Remus. You need to let me feel all the rage you are too nice to feel, okay?”

“I don’t-- I don’t know what happened. I thought we were happy.”

“Want to go back to the hotel? We can chat it through?” Sirius asked, his eyes full of concern.

“What I really want is a nice fat glass of wine, somewhere quiet.”

“That, I can do,” Sirius smiled softly and led them back to the relatively empty hotel bar, where he bought a bottle of red that cost more than Remus usually spent on food in a week. A pianist played soft jazz across the room and they settled on a plush velvet sofa in a dark corner.

“Well, safe to say this is the most romantic moment of my day,” Remus huffed.

“Ah, a little joke!” Sirius enthused. “Top work, Remus. Very brave. Now tell me all about what the bastard did.”

“I borrowed some socks,” Remus began, pulling his jeans up to show the brightly coloured, stolen socks.

“Right,” Sirius smiled. “Can see why that led to a breakup, yeah.”

“Oh hush. Let me finish.”

“The floor is yours. I will not interrupt.” Sirius took a long sip from his glass. “Good grief, that’s delicious wine. The Italians definitely import all the shit to us and keep the good stuff.”

“Very true,” Remus laughed, though it was the last thing he felt like doing. “So I was in his sock drawer, and there was this photo.”

“I’m already fucking livid.”

“That counts as interrupting.” Remus raised his eyebrows what he hoped was sternly. “This photo was of Marco. Butt-naked. Taken by someone else. Rock hard dick.”

“Shit. How do you know it wasn’t old?”

“New sheets,” Remus said.

“Shit.”

“Yes,” Remus nodded. “Shit. So then he admitted everything. Told me it meant nothing. Told me he loves me, physically grabbed me, begged me not to go,” Remus recounted. “I saw Danilo on the stairs and I fucking swear I nearly pushed him down.”

“Should have,” Sirius mumbled. “So did he say why?”

“It first happened on Halloween.”

“Ah.”

“I hate it when you’re right.”

“He thought that you would be off gallivanting?”

“Seemingly, yes. So he did some gallivanting of his own.”

“Motherfucker.”

“Danilofucker.” Remus took a swig.

“You seem very calm about all this,” Sirius said, turning to face him.

“I feel pretty calm,” Remus nodded. “I mean, it’s over. He did that to me so it’s over.”

“Of course,” Sirius nodded. “You’d never be able to trust him again.”

“And that’s the worst fucking thing.” His breath hitched as it came back to him again. “I did trust him. I did; I trusted him. And now I feel like such a knob.”

“No.” Sirius said flatly, sustaining eye contact. “Infidelity is not the norm, Re. It’s-- it’s the lowest thing. I mean, the one thing you should be able to count on for sure is your long-term boyfriend not jumping into bed with someone else the minute your back is turned.” Sirius broke eye contact and looked over at the bar as an Italian gesticulated wildly, seemingly dissatisfied with the drink he had been served. He turned back.

“But look, the fact that he turned out to be the biggest wanker in the northern hemisphere is not on you. It’s not. Because you’re-- you’re the best fucking thing. And if he can’t see that, then I’m sorry but he’s even more of a dunce than I thought. And it’s going to feel God awful for now.” He paused, looking straight into Remus’s eyes. “But then... everything will become a bit less sharp. And you’ll start to feel it less keenly. And in time, you’ll find someone to give your love to who actually comes close to deserving it; someone who treats your heart with the reverence it deserves.”

Remus looked at Sirius, whose eyes were so kind and sincere that he thought he might break apart altogether. It was then that the tears threatened to come. “You’re very good at speeches,” he said thickly, swallowing the tears back down.

“I meant every word,” Sirius’s mouth tugged up at the corner.

“Stop being nice to me, please.”

“Can’t make any promises,” Sirius grinned. He topped up Remus’s glass and they sat for an hour, listening to the piano and talking sparsely. Remus spent a good deal of time in his own head, thinking forensically about every little aspect of his relationship that might have led to this point. But deep down, he knew it; Sirius was right. He could have been David Gandy, but it wouldn’t have mattered because he was with someone who didn’t care enough. It was a harsh truth but an important one to digest.

As the night faded into the early hours, they made their way upstairs to the room. Sirius turned the TV on and settled on the bed. He patted the other side to show that Remus was welcome to share. Remus sat down and propped himself up with pillows as they set about watching an unfunny old US sitcom. He felt his eyes closing slowly.

“Get under the covers otherwise you’ll wake up with a crick in your neck,” Sirius chided. Remus was too tired to argue and soon was surrendering to sleep, wrapped snugly in the duvet. His eyes fluttered open on hearing the door to the room opening some moments later. Sirius stood in the doorway and gestured for him not to worry. “Just going to source some snacks,” he said, “Go to sleep.”

And Remus did.

When he next awoke, it was because the door had opened again. His eyes slowly adjusted to the light, and when they did, he gasped.

“Sirius! What the fuck!” He swung his legs out of the bed and quickly shut the door, ushering Sirius towards the bed. Sirius let him steer him in the right direction, but once sat, made for a sorry sight. He was drenched; soaked to the bone and shivering. His hair was plastered to his head and his eyelashes had gone all spidery. Remus’s eyes, however, were instantly drawn to his lip, which had been split and was bleeding profusely. He grabbed a black t-shirt from the floor and pressed it gingerly to his face to stem the bleeding. Sirius took it from him and had the good grace to look a little sheepish.

Remus grabbed a blanket from the wardrobe and wrapped it around him. A sudden thought hit him, but it was too fantastical to possibly be true. “Who gave you the split lip, Sirius?”

Sirius looked up at him and shrugged. “Some dickhead.”

“Not-- Sirius, it wasn’t Marco, was it?”

“It... I mean, yes. Yes, it was.”

“Sirius!”

“I couldn’t help it, Re. I swear, I have never needed to hit someone so much in my life. Wild horses couldn’t have stopped me.”

“What, so you just went over there?”

“And broke his nose, yes.”

“You’re not serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

“You’ve actually broken his nose?” Remus looked at him incredulously.

“I reckon so, yeah. It made a pretty good cracking noise.”

“And the lip?”

“Credit where credit’s due - the guy has a pretty good left hook.”

Remus just stared at him, trying to decide on an emotion and stick with it.

“So he’s gone off to hospital, and I reckon my work here is done.” Sirius tried for one of his characteristic devilish grins, but the effect was somewhat lessened by his violent shivering.

“For fuck’s sake, Sirius. Look at you! This is no time for vigilante justice!”

“Felt good, though.” Sirius grinned again from under his fringe, and Remus thought that he looked like a naughty school boy who had just pulled off an almighty prank.

Remus tutted. “You’re soaked through. Let’s get you in the shower. Think the lip will be alright, or do we need to go and get it seen to?”

“It’s definitely slowing down,” Sirius dabbed at the source of the bleeding with his finger. “I think it’ll be alright. I’ll be less pretty for a bit, though.”

Remus rolled his eyes and bundled Sirius into the bathroom, turning on the shower and taking the blanket from around his shoulders. “Right, I’m not going to undress you, so I will see you shortly. I’ll leave you some warm clothes outside the door, okay?”

“Okay!” Sirius laughed. “Sorry for being naughty.”

“You always are,” Remus said, but this time his words were laced with fond laughter.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and a text from Marco flashed up on the screen. 'You can call off your guard dog', it said.

--

“Can we have tiramisu for breakfast?” Remus asked as Sirius was getting dressed the next morning. “You know, I think we could bend the rules in light of my considerable heartache. I know a good place and it’s not too far from here.”

“Since when is there a rule against tiramisu for breakfast?” Sirius asked sincerely. “I’ll text James and let him know the plan. What’s the place called?”

“Monti.”

“Splendid.”

They walked slowly to the restaurant. The day was much milder and drier than the one before. As they walked, Remus was struck by how much he loved this city: so much history and beauty but an underlying buzz that was undeniably modern. Not once had he regretted his choice not to move back here but he could still appreciate how utterly brilliant it was, and he thought that he must make more of an effort to come back for holidays, so as not to forget its magic.

“Nice here, isn’t it?” Sirius said jovially.

“Rome? Yeah, pretty nice,” Remus laughed. “Famously so, I think.”

“Shall we go and see some of the old stuff later?”

“Old like ruins or old like frescoes?” Remus asked.

“Ruins. Definitely ruins.”

“Yeah, sounds good. We have two full days left and I intend to use them being as upbeat as possible.”

Sirius glanced at him. “Definitely a good idea. Dare I ask how you’re feeling today?”

Remus pondered this for a moment. “A healthy mix of sad and vengeful sums it up, I think.”

“I prefer that to just sad,” Sirius laughed.

“You know what? I think I do too! Not that I need any revenge after your antics last night. And we’re definitely going to revisit those, by the way, in case you were thinking you’re off the hook.”

“I expected nothing less,” Sirius said, thrusting his hands into his pockets.

“How’s your lip?”

“Fine. Bit scabby.”

“And why did you punch my boyfriend, again?” Remus asked.

“He deserved it,” Sirius supplied simply. “I did tell you I was going to break his nose.”

“You did,” Remus conceded. “But I thought you meant... his figurative nose.”

“So did I,” Sirius admitted. “But then you were all sad and weepy and I knew it was a direct result of that prick’s actions, so I couldn’t just sit there. I was all wired and just... just so angry. And much as I wanted to stay with you and make sure you were okay, there was a much more urgent need for me to go and do what I’d wanted to do for the last couple of hours. Which was to hurt him; to wipe that smug fucking smile off his face.”

“Sirius,” Remus warned.

“Right, sorry.” Sirius stood up straighter. “Before I knew it, my feet were carrying me out the door. And then I was at his flat. I’m not even sure I was in control of my faculties. I lucked out and followed someone else into his building. I knocked his door and he let me in, all “Sirius, come in, nice to see you!” Here, Sirius adopted a mock Italian accent which was, at best, mildly xenophobic, earning an eye roll from Remus. “I don’t really remember what happened next. I went into the flat and five minutes later, I left. The inbetween is hazy. But I definitely hit him and his nose snapped and bled lots. Then he hit me. And then I think that other twat tried to hit me.”

“Danilo.”

“Yes, Danilo.” Sirius nodded. “He was definitely there, at least. So I must have realised I was outnumbered and decided to come back. Which is probably the whole timeline.”

“Minus the rain,” Remus observed.

“Oh the rain was a recurring motif,” Sirius laughed. “It was absolutely chucking it down by the time I came back. And the walk wasn’t insubstantial.”

“No,” Remus said.

“Are you cross with me?”

“I should be,” Remus confirmed. “But there’s something quite satisfying about the whole thing. He definitely deserved it.”

“He did.”

“I just-- you think you know someone. We were together for years.”

“I know,” Sirius mumbled. “Well, at least you know us lot. And we’d never fuck you over like that.”

“I know,” Remus agreed.

They arrived at the restaurant to find the others already seated. Remus, with a lurch, realised that none of them knew what had happened yet. And he was going to have to tell them. They obviously knew something was amiss because of Sirius’s swift exit, but now he was going to have to elaborate, and give them the gory details.

“Black, you really need to start having more run-of-the-mill sex,” James said dryly. “All that BDSM is really not good for your pretty face, you know?”

“Yes, yes,” Sirius rolled his eyes. “I got fighty.”

“We can see that,” Lily laughed. “Who was the unlucky recipient?”

“Marco,” Remus said quietly. “He... well, he’s been having sex with someone else. It’s over between the two of us.”

“Remus,” Lily sighed sympathetically. “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry.”

“God, that’s awful, mate,” James weighed in. His face was suddenly serious and stern. “Shit, I don’t even know what to say.”

“It’s fine. It’s-- well, it is what it is,” Remus smiled unconvincingly. “I just want to eat my weight in triple chocolate tiramisu and then go back to the hotel and cry.”

“Nope,” Sirius said assertively. “We’re going to have a Sirius and Remus Day. Of. Fun.

Remus sighed. Their first Day. Of. Fun. had been in first year, and had involved a clown and a traffic cone and Sirius narrowly escaping arrest. The subsequent occasions had not been much tamer.

“Fine.” Remus rolled his eyes; ever the pained associate. “But I get to choose the itinerary.”

--

It was another sunny day, and warm for December. Remus and Sirius had bundled together a picnic comprising baguettes and cheese and hopped on the Metro to Piramide.

“So there is an actual pyramid? In Rome?” Sirius asked, agog.

“Yes,” Remus smiled.

“Is it old?”

“What do you think?”

“Alright, smartarse,” Sirius laughed. “But why is it here?”

“It’s a tomb, I think.” Remus fished his phone out of his pocket to Google. “The tomb of Gaius Cestius,” he nodded. Sirius snorted. “Are you laughing at Gaius? You are ridiculous,” Remus said, although his mouth curled up at the side. “Here we are,” he pointed as they rounded the corner. “Pyramid.”

“Cool,” Sirius laughed. “Bit incongruous, no?”

“A bit,” Remus nodded. “But this isn’t why we’re here.” He led them down the road to a much more residential street than others they had seen in the centre. They went through an archway with the inscription ‘Resurrecturis’.

“To those who shall rise again,” Sirius recited solemnly. “And I thought Latin classes were a waste of time. Where on earth have you brought me?”

“It’s a cemetery,” Remus confirmed. “The Protestant cemetery. They had to build it outside the city walls because... well, Catholicism.”

“Sure. God, you’re worse than I thought. This is all a bit morbid, Re. I thought we were meant to be cheering you up.”

“Just wait,” Remus assured him. He walked with purpose to a section that was relatively clear of tombstones to a clearing with just a smattering of graves. “Look.” He gestured to the most famous grave of them all; stark white in a sea of grey.

“This grave contains all that was Mortal, of a young English poet, Who, on his Death Bed, in the Bitterness of his Heart, at the Malicious Power of his Enemies, Desired these Words to be engraven on his Tomb Stone. Here lies One whose Name was writ in Water.” Sirius read, eyebrows creasing. “Who is it?”

“Keats,” Remus said quietly. “I used to come here a lot when I lived here. Pretty much the only free thing to do in Rome and it always helped me to think. Shelley’s here too, somewhere.”

“Oh,” Sirius whispered. “How old was he?”

“Twenty five, I think.”

“Not much older than us.”

“No. Makes you think, doesn’t it?” Remus nodded. “He achieved all that and we can barely get out of bed.”

“Speak for yourself, lazy boy,” Sirius laughed, still quietly. “Who was Joseph Severn?” he asked, turning to the grave that sat alongside Keats’.

“His best friend. He was with him when he died horribly and painfully from TB. He never left his side and nursed him through his final months.”

Sirius pondered that for a moment. “That’s a bit weird, isn’t it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well this Severn bloke lived another sixty years. He had a whole life after Keats died, and still they’re buried next to each other. Eternal bachelor?”

“No, he got married and had kids, I think.”

“That’s even weirder!” Sirius laughed. “Think they were a couple of closet cases? Secretly in love?”

“I don’t think so.” Remus thought for a moment. “Keats wrote Ode to Fanny.” Sirius sniggered. “You are a child.”

“I am.”

“So what are you saying, then?” Remus turned to him. “That you don’t want to be buried next to me even after you’ve married some Gisele type and had kids? I think I’m slightly offended.”

Sirius fixed him with a strange, searching look and the smile was replaced by something more sincere. “I wouldn’t mind.” He looked at the ground for a moment. “Fancy a baguette?”

--

“The thing I don’t understand,” Remus started animatedly, as they strolled along the river Tevere early afternoon, “is why he didn’t just break up with me. Why did he let me come all this way only to clumsily let me know that he’d been sleeping with his flatmate?”

“What, you think he let you find the photo on purpose?” Sirius asked, hands in pockets.

“Maybe,” Remus pondered. “I mean, it was him who sent me into his sock drawer, and the thing wasn’t exactly well-hidden.”

“I don’t think even he is that much of a twat.” Sirius paused a moment. “I wonder what will happen to the two of them. Do you think they’ll get together properly?”

“No,” Remus said after a moment. “No, he said it was casual and I’m inclined to believe him. Don’t ask me why.”

“Are you alright?” Sirius asked after a quiet pause.

“Yeah,” Remus nodded.

“Should I stop asking you?”

“Yeah,” Remus laughed.

They spent the afternoon strolling the picturesque streets of Trastevere. Remus bought himself a new shirt which Sirius insisted was just his colour, and Sirius found a second hand record store which he quickly proclaimed the best place in the world. They met up with Lily and James in the Campo de’ Fiori where they ate yet more olives and drank yet more wine. The easy chatter made Remus feel less tense, almost normal. He pretended to ignore the sympathetic glances Lily kept throwing his way, or the way they were all talking conspiratorially when he came back from the toilet.

They had an evening flight the next day, meaning that they had a whole day to kill in the most beautiful city in the world, which couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. They walked and walked and walked, taking in yet more incredible ruins and ornate churches. By the time they boarded the plane, Remus’s thighs were tired and heavy and he felt... if not better, at least less raw. He sat beside Sirius on the plane and yawned almost as soon as they sat down. He woke up as they touched down in Cardiff, head on Sirius’s shoulder, and rolled his eyes as Sirius smirked and called him Sleeping Beauty.

They went to collect Paddy from Peter’s as soon as they were back in the city. Paddy leapt up at them with more gusto than Remus had ever known.

“He’s been impeccably behaved,” Peter laughed as Paddy put both paws on Remus’s shoulders when he bent down to say hello. “Marlene came over to walk him while I was at work.”

“Dream team,” Sirius grinned, “Thanks for looking after him, Pete. We missed you, Sir Paddington.” Paddy licked his face in response. “Right, it’s late,” Sirius announced. “Let’s get you both home.” He looked between Paddy and Remus and nodded to the door. They diligently followed and the three of them walked home in a content silence.

“Remus?” Sirius asked, just as Remus was gearing up to go to bed.

“Mm?”

“I’m sorry it happened to you. You didn’t deserve it.”

“Thank you,” Remus smiled ruefully. He patted Sirius on the knee and hoisted himself up. “I’ll be fine,” he said quietly, more to himself than anything.

“Yeah,” Sirius smiled softly. “I know.”

--

A week later, Remus was beginning to adjust to his new, Marco-less life. The fact that it was the Christmas holidays meant that he was doing all of his study at home, in a state of semi-permanent hibernation. His laptop was slow and clunky, but it still did the job and he was making respectable progress on a couple of assignments he needed to finish before the holiday was through. He had found his own little routine in these few days. First, he got up and walked the dog, then he came home and showered. He made a pot of tea for himself and a pot of coffee for Sirius, just as he emerged, bleary-eyed from his room. They sat together and ate breakfast, after which point Remus set up in the study and tried to do a full 9-5 day. Of course, there were distractions galore, and plenty of procrastination, but for the most part, he concentrated well.

He came down for a break one day to Sirius sat in the lounge, reading ‘Caro Michele’ on the sofa, slippers on and The Verve playing through the speakers. He smiled to himself. “What do you think?”

“Hmm?” Sirius asked, looking up.

“The book. Do you like it?”

“Oh,” Sirius smiled, looking a little embarrassed. “Yeah, I really like it. I mean, I don’t like any of the characters, but it’s more than the sum of its parts, isn’t it? It really gives you a picture of the paranoia everyone must have felt at the time.”

“I agree.” Remus picked up Sirius’s cup from the coffee table. “I need a break. Would you like a coffee?”

“Please,” Sirius nodded. “Shall I turn the heating down a bit? It’s far too hot here. The advent calendar chocolates are going to be melting in their little windows.”

Remus huffed a little laugh. “I’ll do it. I’m up.” He pottered into the kitchen and set about making them a drink. He reached for a treat for Paddy who took it gently from his fingers, tail wagging continuously.

“Shall we put the Christmas tree up?” Sirius yawned in the doorway to the kitchen. “I’m not working till eight so we’ve got some time.”

“Sure. And shall we get a Chinese or something?”

“Cor, yes. Absolutely.”

Remus resigned himself to getting no more work done that day. He braved the attic where he was half sure he could hear a rodent-like creature scurrying away from him, and he fished out the dust-covered Christmas tree box which had sat in situ for the last eleven months. Wheezing, he made his way back down the ladder and down onto the landing. He stumbled on the last step but Sirius grabbed his calves and steadied him.

“This is why you’re the brawn,” Remus laughed.

“You have a cobweb in your hair,” Sirius grinned idiotically, grabbing at the wavy strands of dusty spider thread floating around Remus’s head.

“Well, you’re going up next time. I’m fairly sure there’s some sort of rhinoceros-sized rat up there who wants me dispatched.”

Sirius’s shoulders shook with laughter and he took the box from Remus, eyes glinting. “Right, now the real question is, do we know what happened to Minerva?”

Minerva was the angel who sat atop their Christmas tree, and had done for several years. She had come from a charity shop, originally, and her face was a little unorthodox and... melty, owing to the time Peter left her on top of their ferocious electric heater in third year. But they loved her, and Christmas wasn’t Christmas unless she stared down at them in all her melty glory.

“I think she’s in the cupboard under the stairs with the baubles,” Remus said, heading in that direction.

As they tucked into their beef in black bean later that evening, sat on the lounge floor with Paddy at their feet, they admired a job well done.

“She is resplendent,” Sirius mumbled through a mouth of food. “Truly a sight to behold.”

“She is our guardian angel,” Remus agreed. “It’s good to see her back to her full glory.”

“Right, I’ve got to go,” Sirius looked at his watch and shot up, taking his plate into the kitchen. He swept back by the lounge and loudly kissed Paddy on the head. “Goodbye, dear Paddy.” He stood up and planted a big, smacking kiss on Remus’s forehead, “And goodbye to you, sweet Remington.”

“Eurgh, why are your lips so wet?” Remus moaned, wiping the saliva from his head.

“All the better to kiss you with,” Sirius cackled and practically skipped out the front door.

--

Remus was not a winter person, but he had always liked December. He liked Christmas; liked log burners; liked tinsel and sweet cinnamon syrup in his coffee. He knew, after witnessing most of Peter and Sirius’s singing lessons, that this December would be particularly memorable. He was sad, still, and sometimes forgot that he was no longer allowed to dream about Marco, but he was getting through each day, and things were starting to get a little easier. Yesterday, for instance, he had got to tea time before Marco even entered his head. Progress.

The night of the pantomime, he was feeling a little low. It was three days before Christmas and he and Marco had been broken up for a full fortnight. His Christmas shopping was done and wrapped, and now he found himself in a pre-Christmas lull. His assignments were done and dusted and he was struggling to find the motivation to read around his subject.

He met Lily for a coffee beforehand, in a bustling cafe around the corner from the village hall. His over-caffeinated heart was already pumping hard so he opted for decaf and got Lily a herbal tea.

“Ooh, thanks.” She wrapped her gloved fingers around the mug. “It’s bloody freezing today!”

Remus sipped his coffee. “So are you ready for the show of the year?”

Lily scrunched her forehead up in thought. “Nope.” She burst out laughing. “It’s going to be two hours of our lives we’ll never get back.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “But at least we’re supporting out boy, right?”

Lily nodded grimly. “So, it’s been a while since we’ve spoken just the two of us. How are you getting on?”

“Pretty well.” He frowned. “Except, well, I’ve not been single since I was nineteen, and I’ve kind of forgotten how to do it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I keep going to text him about something that would make him smile, or hearing a song that reminds me of him and forgetting.” He spoke up over the whirring of the coffee machine. “It’s an adjustment.”

Lily thought for a moment. “I think that’s all normal.”

“Yeah?” He played with the cuff of his cardigan. “I do miss him. Even after he did what he did. Is that pathetic?”

“No,” she said instantly. “If James did that to me, I’d still miss him.”

“James never would.”

“I’d say it’s highly unlikely,” she conceded. “But I suppose you never know...”

“You do if it’s James.”

Lily grinned at him and shrugged to indicate that she did know he wasn’t the type. “I suppose I’m onto a good thing.”

“I’d say so,” he smiled ruefully. “Now I’ve just got to find someone who looks at me like that. Who isn’t a philanderer.”

“Tall order, Lupin.” She smirked over her mug.

--

They met the others in the vestibule a few minutes before the show started. The average punter was at least sixty-five and they brought the average age down considerably. There was a makeshift bar serving bottles of beer and wine. Remus thought it best not to embark on the experience sober so bought himself a couple of Buds which he decanted into a giant plastic cup.

They were ushered into the hall by a tiny, unsmiling woman with pearl earrings and lipstick on her teeth. It smelled musty and Remus could see his breath. The tiny hall was packed, and he was beginning to feel nervous for Peter. As the lights dimmed, he caught Sirius’s eye which glimmered with mischief and anticipation.

The curtains jerked open, revealing a man who must have been old enough to claim his pension, dressed in full drag with a long, straggly black wig. “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” he asked, prompting chuckles from around the audience.

“My queen, you are the fairest in the land,” a voice resonated from behind a translucent sheet.

“And what about the Princess?” the man asked again, “You know, our Mandy who’s a bit pale?”

“Still you, my queen.”

“Splendid.” He then burst into the first of what Remus feared might be far too many musical numbers; You’re so Vain, together with backing dancers who each had their own handheld mirror to illustrate the point.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” He asked again, still catching his breath from the relative exertion of the song.

“Actually,” the mirror said in a breathy welsh accent, “Mandy is looking quite fit today. White as snow. You could even call her... Snow White!”

Remus could feel Sirius shaking with laughter beside him. He nudged him in a bid to get him to behave, but knew it was pointless even trying.

Peter’s first appearance came as he and ‘Mandy’ met in a clearing after she’d sung into the well. Hilariously, ‘Mandy’ was at least forty-five with breasts the size of watermelons. Peter stumbled onto the stage with all the confidence of a leper and employed all of his best acting skills as he gasped at the sight of such a vision. Sirius wolf-whistled at the sight of him, which Remus wasn’t sure was all that helpful as Peter then seemed to forget his line and needed prompting.

The Dwarves’ scene was where things started to go awry. For starters, there were only three ‘dwarves’. Two of them were over six foot tall, and the other was a child who looked like he was about to burst into tears. They were meant to be singing ‘hi-ho’ but one of them had a stinking cold and had totally lost his voice. The others propped him up as best they could, but it was much more of a ‘low-ho’, in the end.

In the interval, James and Sirius bought five bottles of beer each, to Remus’s modest two. They all stood, in a stunned silence, not quite knowing what to say.

“It’s... er...” Remus began.

“I like the... costumes,” Marlene added limply.

“It’s a fucking carcrash,” Sirius snorted. “Pete’s songs sound okay, though, so you’re all welcome.”

James scoffed. “The songs are a mirage in an otherwise arid landscape.”

“It’s not... that bad?” Lily chipped in, but cowered under the disbelieving glare of her friends.

The bell indicating that the interval was ending jingled through the hall.

“Right,” James braced himself. “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.”

An hour later, the final song had been sung, and the bows were beginning. The gang were on their feet from the first bow, and were more than a little raucous by the time Peter took to the stage, middle-aged bride in hand. They whooped so loudly that Peter’s face was scarlet red by the time the curtains closed.

“A triumph!” Siris exclaimed as Peter emerged from behind the stage after most people had gone home.

“Glorious!” James yelled.

“Bravo, bravaaa!” Marlene giggled.

“Oh shut up,” Peter moaned, blushing. “Who’s going to buy me a pint, then?”

--
He awoke with a start on Christmas morning after a strange and disconcerting dream in which he was back at his parents’ house but they didn’t live there; instead, it had been taken over by squatters and his room was now a meth lab. It felt realistic at the time and by the time he came to, he was disorientated and parched. In a quest for water, he shuffled down the hall in his slippers. The teapot was filled and on the table and Sirius was tinkering around in one of the cupboards.

“Oh, morning! Happy Christmas! I was going to bring you a cup.” Sirius got himself a coffee and sat down beside Remus.

Remus poured his tea and took a long, deliberate sip. “I don’t think we’ve ever spent Christmas just the two of us.”

Sirius looked at him, aghast. “We must have done.”

“No, there was always someone else around! Like last year, Pete came to stay. And the year before, James was still here.”

“Blimey.” Sirius drank his coffee in thought. “You don’t mind being stuck with me, do you?”

“Not in the slightest. Mum is having Aunty Kath round this year. Aunty Kath is a mouth kisser.”

“Ah.” Sirius looked at the clock. “So if it wasn’t clear, I am waiting an appropriate amount of time for you to wake up properly before suggesting that we do presents.”

“It was clear, and I’m quite impressed at your restraint.”

“Thank you. There are fifteen presents under the tree. I counted. Most of them are for Paddy, though.”

“I knew our friends liked him more than us,” Remus grinned. “Yours from me is in my room. I’ll go and grab it. Should we shower first and get dressed, or is this going to be a pyjama affair?”

“Pyjama,” Sirius nodded. “Definitely pyjama.”

Remus pottered off to his room and came back with a little bag of wrapped presents for Sirius. He was rather pleased with this year’s array of gifts, which hadn’t cost much, given his financial situation, but hopefully would hit their mark.

Sirius was sat on the rug in the lounge when he got back. “Right, I thought we could do the ones from each other first? Then Paddy can have his share. And finally, we can unwrap the ones from our nearest and dearest.”

“Am I not your nearest and dearest?”

“Well, of course you are. That’s why I got you six whole presents.”

Remus burst out laughing. “I got you six, too.”

“Good. Now that’s settled, here is present number one. I haven’t wrapped any of them, I’m afraid.” He handed over a beautiful, leather-bound notebook which Remus instantly knew he would use to plan his dissertation.

“This is lush.”

“You’ve been in Wales too long; you never used to say lush.”

“Lush, lush, lush.”

Sirius also gave him a cashmere scarf, some big thick socks, an overnight bag (“because you can’t keep using that rucksack, Remus, you just can’t!”), a big planter for growing herbs in the back courtyard, which Remus had always wanted to do, and a power bank (“because your phone is painfully rubbish and if you won’t replace it, then you at least need some battery contingency”).

Remus was surprised at how spot on Sirius’s presents were, but this only lasted a moment before he realised that he had probably dropped a million accidental hints about what he would buy himself if he had any disposable income. Still, it was nice to be heard. And thoughtful; very thoughtful.

“Right, your turn. Here you go.” He thrust the bag of presents into Sirius’s arms, eliciting a thrilled smile.

“You spoil me, Lupin.”

“I have spent significantly less than you; I can tell you that now.”

“It’s never about the money.” Sirius grinned and delved into the bag. He first unwrapped a little cactus which had adhesive googly eyes and a sombrero.

“I’ve read that cactuses are pretty difficult to kill. So I got you the hardiest sort I could find. You know, because you’re a bit... killy.”

Sirius barked out a laugh. “Hear that, Paddy? I’d be concerned if I were you.” He then unwrapped a packet of very posh coffee and a bottle of obscure mexican tequila. “Ooh, all of my faves, thank you!” Next, he got to the Jaipur card game which Remus was particularly looking forward to playing. “I’m going to kick your arse,” Sirius said confidently. His last present was two books wrapped up together: ‘If this is a man/The truce’ by Primo Levi, and ‘If on a winter’s night a traveller’ by Italo Calvino.

“You’ve got me all excited about getting you into Italian literature after reading Caro Michele. So I thought I’d start you with two of the best.”

Sirius looked at him. “That’s brilliant, thank you. I won’t... you know, understand symbolism and stuff.”

“Doesn’t matter, if you like them.”

“No.” Sirius smiled lopsidedly.

They finished opening the frankly dizzying array of presents from their friends and family. Remus called his parents, showered and dressed. He knocked together a casserole for the slow cooker and they set off and walked to The Coch. The day was crisp and clear and they could see for miles. Nobody was around and they talked easily for the duration of the walk. Paddy zig-zagged back and forth, running ahead to smell all there was to smell, then back to check that they were still with him. It was the nicest start to a Christmas day that Remus could remember.

When they got back, the casserole was bubbling away nicely. They spent the afternoon playing board games and Jaipur, had an early dinner and were back in their pyjamas by eight. Sirius sat flicking through the channels as Remus devoured the cookbook his parents had bought him, marking the recipes he wanted to cook most.

 

“Oh my God.” Sirius sat up straighter, jostling Remus on the shoulder. “Remus. Babe is on.”

“Sorry?”

“Babe! Sheep pig! Singing mice! General adorableness!”

Remus smiled broadly. “You are a child.”

“Yes, yes, we’ve established this. Can we watch it?” Sirius looked disproportionately excited about the children’s film. But Remus knew it was sometimes best to give him what he wanted, and besides, he really didn’t want to watch some hammed up, emotionally manipulative Christmas special.

“Yes. But you have to get the beers.”

Sirius seemed to think these terms were completely reasonable and he shot off to get them a couple of cold bottles from the fridge. They watched the film in relative silence and laughed as Paddy barked at the sheepdogs every time they came on the screen.

“Shall we have some ice cream?” Sirius asked after the film had ended and he had definitely not cried and Remus had sworn not to tell James about the non-crying incident. He hopped up and scrambled about in the kitchen. Remus smiled to himself as he could hear him singing:

“If I had words to make a day for you, I’d sing you a morning golden and true. I would make this day last for all time, give you a night deep in moonshine.”

--

There had been much debate about how the gang would spend New Year’s Eve. They were split between spending it at the Coven with a few of the regulars (Remus’s preference) and going to Dorcas’s house party (Marlene’s preference). In the end, they decided they could be both. So they spent the first half of the evening drinking leisurely pints to the soundtrack of an eclectic jukebox selection, and at around eleven, they defected to Dorcas’s which was just down the road.

She greeted them with her trademark enthusiasm, hugging them all and holding onto Marlene just a little longer than the others. The two had been texting but nothing had happened yet; Marlene had been very clear about that, “And if you do anything to embarrass me, Black, I swear to God I will hang you.”

Dorcas whisked them through the house, introducing them haphazardly to some of her friends. She took Marlene’s hand and they scurried off into the garden, leaving the others raising their eyebrows and whispering in their wake.

“It’s about time she met a nice girl,” Peter opined. “I couldn’t stand that last one. What was her name? With the beanie?”

“Mary,” Remus and Lily said at once.

They all got themselves a drink and chatted in the corner for what felt like a few moments, but before they knew it, everyone at the party was counting down the seconds to New Year. They cosied up, put their arms around one another and joined in.

“Three... Two... One!”

Chapter 5: January

Notes:

This chapter comes with a trigger warning for abuse. Don't worry - the angst is not for me in the long run.

Thank you for sticking with it this long! I promise things will start to get good soon. Please leave comments. I am in lock down and they are all I have.

“Happy New Year!” Lily embraced him first, kissing him on the cheek and squeezing his waist. She smelled heady like peaches and perfume.

James and Peter tackled him together. “Happy New Year Remus Motherfucking Lupin!” James yelled in his ear.

“And to you,” Remus smiled, extracting himself from underneath them. He turned to face Sirius who had just had his own peach-filled hug from Lily. “Happy New Year, Black,” he said.

Sirius smiled wonkily and brought him into a bear hug. “Happy New Year, Re!” He said softly in his ear, then pulled back and looked at him amusedly for a moment. He was wearing a stripy t-shirt and Remus thought fleetingly that he looked a bit like a pirate.

“You look a bit like a pirate,” he said. “Do you want a drink?”

Sirius laughed a little. “Maybe you’ve had enough?”

“I’m good,” Remus assured him. He poured them both a shot of something suspect and downed his in one. James and Lily appeared as if from nowhere as the music began to blast out again, putting an abrupt end to the tuneless, wordless version of Auld Lang Syne being blasted out by a group of students in the lounge.

“Right, what are our resolutions then?” Lily asked enthusiastically but was met with eye rolls and groans from the group.

“Nobody has ever stuck to a new year’s resolution, Lils,” James moaned.

“Well I’m going to,” she said haughtily. “I’ve bought myself a film camera and I’m going to learn how to use it and take lovely, lasting photos that we can all enjoy for years.”

“Er, Lily. What I’m about to say will rock your world. But you know that little brick in your handbag? The one that makes phone calls and sends texts? It also has... and this is the part you will not believe... it has a camera.”

“Fuck off, knobber,” she said calmly, batting at Sirius with the back of her hand. “These photos will be lush. And we will have them forever as a reminder that you were handsome once.”

“Ah, well I will always be handsome, even when I’m ancient. Like George Clooney. Or Alec Baldwin. Unlike James who will end up looking like that guy who played the oompa loompas in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.”

“Deep Roy,” James slurred. “I think he’s actually a distant relative. So joke’s on you.”

“How, exactly?” Remus smiled coyly. James shrugged theatrically. “So what’s your resolution, Jimmy?”

“Well I want to qualify in September, innit. So we’ll go with that. Solicitor James. Here for all your criminal needs.”

“And you?” he turned to Sirius.

“Work out what I want to do with my life? Learn the guitar? Get a table tennis table? Six more dogs? The year is alive with potential.” Sirius sank his shot. “What about you, Lupin?”

“I’d like...” he paused. “Well, to get over Marco and move on, I suppose. And get my master’s.”

“Pete!” James shouted as he walked past. “What’s your revolution?”

“Resolution,” Lily corrected, not unkindly.

“Get laid,” he nodded, answering instantly.

“Actually, forget mine. I also resolve to get Pete laid.” Sirius folded his arms; a sure sign of determination.

“And me,” James yelled.

“Yeah, and me,” Remus nodded.

“I’d still like to stick to the camera thing,” Lily grinned.

“Hold that thought. This is my jam,” James nodded in time to the beat of Sylvester’s ‘you make me feel’ and dragged Lily onto the dance floor. Peter followed them like a puppy on a lead.

Remus bobbed his hip a little in time to the music and caught Sirius looking at him with that same amused smile on his face.

“What?” Remus asked, the corner of his mouth tugging up at the side.

“Nothing,” Sirius shook his head, still smiling. “I like it when you dance.”

“It’s usually a sign that I’ve overindulged,” Remus conceded.

“Well it is New Year’s Eve. If you can’t overindulge tonight, you never can, am I right?”

“Sure,” Remus smiled as his stomach began to churn a little. Sirius looked at him intently. “Seriously, what? Have I got something on my face?”

Sirius shook his head, looking maybe even a little sad. He looked down at his feet so didn’t see Peter hurtling towards him, seconds before dragging him to join them on the dance floor. Remus swayed a little and waved off Sirius beckoning for him to join them. He chose a sturdy looking pillar to lean against as he watched his friends revel on the dance floor.

A stocky, blonde guy approached him. He was attractive enough if you squinted, but not a patch on his Marco. Or... not his Marco.

“Hey,” he said. His voice was higher than Remus thought it would be, and he smelled strongly of cologne.

“Hey,” Remus smiled. “I’m Remus.”

“Caradoc,” the guy smiled. “How do you know Dorcas?”

“Oh, we’re on the same course. She’s the only one who I can stand the sight of. You?”

“We went to school together. She was actually my girlfriend, way back when, before we both figured out that we were raging homosexuals. Now we live together.”

Remus snorted at the thought of Dorcas with a man. He was vaguely aware that Caradoc’s hand was on his shoulder, but he decided not to think too much on it.

“I know your friend from somewhere,” Caradoc nodded towards Sirius who was now doing an enthusiastic macarena, standing in front of a huddle of drunk people who didn’t know the steps. His wiggly bottom did not miss a single move.

“Sirius?” Remus laughed softly as Sirius went rogue and began to insert his own moves into the mix. “Yeah probably. Everyone knows Sirius.” Sirius looked over at that point, as if he knew that he was being talked about. He frowned a little as he launched into an energetic twist.

“He goes to Nightingales sometimes, I think.” Caradoc nodded to himself, apparently pleased that he had solved the puzzle.

“Nightingales? The gay bar?” Remus snorted. “No. No, he must have a doppelganger or a twin or something. He’s not gay.”

“Sure about that?” Caradoc probed. “Because my friend Ryan went home with someone who looks an awful lot like him last week.”

“As I say, must be someone else,” Remus shrugged.

“Well, it’s lucky it’s not Probably Straight Sirius I’m interested in, then isn’t it?” Caradoc gave him a cheeky smile and placed a hand on his waist, which Remus had time to think was slightly brazen before his lips were pressed to his own in a hard kiss. He pressed Remus against the pillar and moaned into his mouth. “Let’s go upstairs,” he said, dragging him by the hand before he had too much time to consider whether he actually wanted to go.

Once in Caradoc’s room, Remus found himself on his back on the hard bed. The blonde was on top of him, and kissing him like it was the last thing he would ever do.

“This okay?” Caradoc panted between harried kisses.

“Mmph, yes.” Remus covered his mouth with his own and slid his tongue inside, tasting its sweet, alcoholic tang. His body reacted as Caradoc squirmed on top of him, and he felt his dick straining against his pants. He ripped the other man’s top off and noticed that he had a nipple piercing, which he quickly took into his mouth and swirled his tongue around the ring. Caradoc moaned appreciatively, and quickly evened the score, unbuttoning Remus’s shirt and dusting his neck with wet, soft kisses.

Soon, they were completely naked and Caradoc’s hand was wrapped around Remus’s dick. Remus breathed heavily as he kissed down Caradoc’s torso and down to the area just below his belly button. He took him into his mouth in one and enjoyed the way he moved underneath him as he licked, sucked, touched. He came quickly and Remus swallowed everything he had.

“Fuck, that was good.” Caradoc panted on the bed, his dick softening as Remus began to feel queasy. “Want me to return the favour?”

“It’s okay.” Remus shook his head. “I’m pissed. Probably nothing doing.” In truth, he didn’t much fancy being so intimate with someone he had just met, but there was no need to go into too much detail.

“Ha. We’ve all been there,” Caradoc grinned. He grabbed his pants and passed Remus his. He scribbled down his number on a post-it but Remus knew that he wouldn’t call. They dressed hastily and went back downstairs where the party was still in full swing. He saw James and Lily kissing and giggling in a corner and suddenly he felt... seedy. He headed out into the garden where several couples were huddled together. His head pounded. He dusted the snow off a low wall and sat down, ignoring how the cold seeped through his trousers.

There was nothing wrong with what he had done, he reasoned to himself. He was single now. And part of being single meant that he could do whatever he chose with whoever he chose. So why did he feel so guilty? He realised with a pang that he still felt loyal to Marco: that he had been so un-single for so long that he didn’t know how to cope now the opposite was true. And really, Marco deserved nothing from him, least of all his loyalty, but the lurch of his stomach and the pounding of his heart thinking of what he’d done made everything ten, twenty times harder.

“Have you seen a lanky bloke, plaid shirt, terrible trainers?” he heard a familiar voice ask a couple near the door.

“Sirius?” Remus’s ears pricked up and he raised his head, quickly wishing that he had moved more slowly as a wave of nausea hit him.

“Remus! Where the fuck have you been, I’ve been looking for you!” Sirius rounded the corner and sat himself on the wall beside him.

“I... erm.”

Sirius looked at him with genuine concern in his eyes. “What’s up? I saw you talking to that Caradoc bloke and then next time I turned around, you were gone.”

Remus looked at the ground, which began to spin a little, then back up at Sirius. He raised his eyebrows.

“Oh.” Sirius’s eyes widened and his face seemed to speed through several emotions before landing on anger. “Oh for fuck’s sake Remus. I was worried about you. Been looking for you for ages. But you were off shagging some stranger?”

Remus nodded mutely. To his intense embarrassment, tears began to prick at the back of his eyes.

“Remus,” Sirius admonished, though his voice softened a little as he seemed to sense that he was upset. “This isn’t you.”

“Oh please!” Remus’s voice came out longer than he had intended. “Why isn’t it me? Why? How do you know what’s me?”

“Well, I know you pretty well--”

“I wanted to shag him, so I did. He was there and he was interested and he had nice hair, so I went for it. Is that a crime?”

Sirius breathed in calmly, as if considering this for a moment. “No it’s not,” he said eventually. “Of course not. But... you deserve more than a meaningless shag. That’s what I’m trying to say.” He paused for a long while. “But if you enjoyed it, I mean who am I to judge?”

“Well apparently a meaningless shag is worth wrecking years of love and intimacy and all that bullshit.” Remus drew in a shaky breath. Hot tears stung his cheeks and his sour stomach began to churn ominously. “The only person I’ve ever had something meaningful with couldn’t give a shit about me.” Sirius placed a supportive hand on his knee. “Please don’t judge me, Sirius. I don’t want- I don’t want any of this. All I want is for things to go back to how they were.”

“You miss him,” Sirius said, and it wasn’t framed as a question.

“So fucking much.” Remus was ugly crying now, and drunk enough to feel only mildly embarrassed.

“I know, mate. Shh, I know.”

The contents of Remus’s stomach lurched up into his throat and he turned and vomited into the untouched snow. He felt a hand begin to rub his back which he realised was Sirius’s.

“Cor, let it out,” Sirius laughed, but it wasn’t unkindly, as he continued to rub small, comforting circles between his shoulders. “Can’t remember the last time you drunk vommed.”

“I don’t like to make a habit of it.” Remus straightened and wiped his mouth sheepishly. “Well then, I’d say that’s quite enough drama for one night.” He felt instantly better as a result of his stunning digestive pyrotechnics. “Can we go home please?”

“Course,” Sirius mumbled, slowly retracting his hand and blinking at him. “Yeah, let’s go.”

--

It was the first day of the new year and Remus started it feeling utterly rotten. After getting in last night, he had drunk a pint of water that Sirius had forced on him and fallen asleep with his clothes on. He woke up slowly, groggily, and groaned aloud. He forced himself up and out of bed, clutching at his head as he did. He stood and looked at himself in the mirror. The creased fabric of his pillow had marked his cheek, leaving unattractive crevices. His face was all pallor and crevice. He shook his head; a miniscule motion that he felt was warranted in light of his New Year’s actions. It hurt.

He grabbed his towel and shuffled gingerly in search of a shower. He walked past the kitchen where an annoyingly chipper Sirius asked him if he wanted tea.

“Coffee please,” he murmured, continuing his shower quest at an agonisingly slow pace. Once in the bathroom, he shed his clothes and wrenched the stiff tap of the shower which came spluttering into life. As he stood under the too-hot jet of water, he began to feel, not human exactly, but less like the disgusting, hungover mollusc he really was.

“Remus,” Sirius shouted through the door. “Am I making tens of pancakes, or would hundreds be more fitting?”

“Pancakes,” is all Remus managed to respond with.

“Yes,” Sirius laughed slightly cruelly.

By the time Remus turned the shower off and stepped out, his skin had begun to shrivel like a prune and his feet were scarlet from the heat. He wrapped himself in his slightly scratchy towel and made his way back to the bedroom where he put on the sort of clothes that one might wear if they were trying to convince themselves that they were a fully functioning grown up despite growing stacks of evidence to the contrary. And he put his glasses on because his eyes needed a break after he had left his contact lenses in the night before; he hadn’t ever been so conscious of his corneas. Then, he headed to the kitchen, already ground down by the amount of effort it had taken to stay afloat since they had seen in the New Year just hours before.

“It hurts.” He flopped down into a seat and Sirius wordlessly slid a coffee across the table for him.

“That’s because you momentarily replaced your blood with Sambuca last night.”

“Right, new rule. If you’re going to say the word Sambuca, I need prior warning so I can make it to the toilet in time.”

Sirius’s eyes flashed mischievously at him. “Such power.”

“Wield it responsibly.” He took a long sip and grimaced a little at the bitterness; he only drank coffee when absolutely necessary. “Do we need to talk about my actions last night or can we just agree that Shame Town is where I live now?”

Sirius’s eyes were bright. “Don’t sweat it. Shame Town is my permanent place of residence. And you, my friend, are just paying a fleeting visit.”

“It’s ghastly.”

“Oh, it’s not so bad. Besides, I’m not sure you even warrant Shame Town? What did you do? Have sex with a stranger and throw up in the snow. That’s some people’s idea of a great night.”

Remus glanced up at him. “Didn’t actually have sex with him. If we’re being technical.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

Remus sighed. “We got naked and I... gave him a blowjob.”

Sirius’s expression was vaguely comical; like he wasn’t sure what to do with his face. “Oh. Right. What, so he wasn’t in the giving mood?”

Remus could feel his cheeks flushing as he breathed cool air in through his nose. “I declined,” he said quietly.

“Oh.” Sirius shuffled a little in his seat. “Well then, I retract my previous statement. You may stay in Shame Town for a little longer if you’re going to go to all the effort of pulling and not even get your rocks off.”

“Fuck off,” Remus grumbled through a half smile. He bravely nibbled on his pancake.

“You’re going to have to eat up. Pete will be here soon.”

“Huh?”

“We’re going on a ramble, up the Gower. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten?” Sirius’s eyes were still just as mischievous, much to Remus’s chagrin.

Remus started chuntering grumpily to himself, managing to stomach a little more pancake.

“What was that, Sunshine?”

“I said that’s just what I need. Country lanes and Pete’s driving.”

“That’s the spirit,” Sirius snorted.

--

Remus did survive country lanes and Peter’s driving, but it was touch and go there for a while, and by the time they parked up, he was positively green. He excused himself, thinking that he might need to throw up in a bush, but the moment passed and he rejoined the group looking sheepish.

“Nice glasses, Remus. They make you look very sexy,” Marlene grinned. “Of course, you’d be sexier if you weren’t a delightful shade of puce.”

Remus grumbled to himself.

“He’s not his usual bubbly self, Marls.” Sirius’s face was pure laughter and a tiny bit of glee.

“Good to see that you’re looking out for your friend in his time of need, Sirius.” Lily looked concerned, but even she was fighting back a laugh. “No Dorcas today, Marlene?” she asked, changing the subject.

“And what does that mean?” Marlene asked haughtily, heading off towards the first stile, making it clear that the walk had begun. Paddy followed her, dragging Remus with him.

“That means you two were looking pretty cosy last night.” Lily swept her hair up into a pony tail and vaulted the style, catching back up with Marlene and Remus.

“Yes,” Marlene nodded. “And all my subsequent responses will be ‘no comment’.”

“Very classy, Marls,” Remus tried his best at a smile but his face felt like it was weighed down with magnets.

“Good Lord, Lupin! Why are you gurning at me?” Marlene asked, her face creasing in mock revulsion.

“I was trying to smile.”

“Well stop, please. You’re scaring the children.”

It was a freezing, blustery day. The wind from the sea whipped up and beat them as they walked along the cliffs. Remus, who wasn’t great with heights at the best of times, just focused on putting one foot in front of the other. Sirius bounded ahead with Paddy, while James brought up the rear. As Remus reached the summit of the hill they had been climbing for what felt like an eternity, he was thrilled to see a perfectly placed bench. He slumped down into it and Sirius appeared beside him, annoyingly composed and barely breaking a sweat. Remus watched as Sirius gazed out towards the sea. He wore a grey beanie and a pillar box red scarf and in the brightness of the day, his eyes were just iris; bright and grey and hopeful. He was all rosy cheeks and ethereal beauty, and Remus thought briefly about pushing him off the cliff.

“Why are you so perky?”

Sirius glanced at him and quirked an eyebrow. “I knew when to stop.”

“You did, didn’t you? You’ll have to teach me some of that self restraint some time.”

Sirius laughed through his nose. “Don’t you love it up here?”

“It’s pretty nice.”

“It’s wonderful,” Sirius breathed, gazing back out to the sea. “I think I’m a seaside person. I might stay forever.”

“The sea is a cruel mistress,” Remus pointed out. “She’ll never love you like we can.”

Sirius barked a laugh. “Come on,” he leapt up, thrusting a hand out for Remus to take. “Time for the descent.” He started off down the hill, Remus following closely behind. “Shall we go for a curry or something tonight?”

“I’m a bit stony broke, actually.” Remus felt a little embarrassed by the necessary confession. “I could cook?”

“It’s fine, I’ll pay. You’re in no fit state to cook.” Sirius let out a little laugh as Remus slipped on a loose stone. “Where shall we go? Itihaas? Spicy Dragon?”

“Sirius, I’d really rather you didn’t pay for me. I- I can’t just filch off you my whole life, can I?” Remus thought he might have pulled a thigh muscle. He rubbed at it but it didn’t seem to make a difference.

“How about we go for a curry and I buy my usual three main courses and if you would like to have a little nibble, you can?” Sirius cocked his head.

“Right. Fine. But this is the last time. I need a job.”

“We’re looking for someone at the pub, actually. A couple of nights a week. Fancy it?”

Remus looked at him. “Working with you?”

Sirius shrugged. “It wouldn’t be that bad, would it?”

“Can I even pull pints? Aren’t I more of a bookshop sort of man? I’m an introvert, Sirius.”

“Well, it pays more than minimum wage and I’ve heard the other bar staff are devilishly handsome. I can teach you how to pull pints, and how to flirt just enough to get free drinks, but not enough that people think you’re genuinely interested.”

“Well, in that case...”

“Excellent. Then the vacancy is filled! We’ll get you started tomorrow!” Sirius slapped him on the back.

“You’re not going to be my boss, are you?” Remus shuddered at the thought.

“Shift supervisor.”

Remus groaned. He was already regretting saying yes.

--

“It’s just lucky I always bring him a spare pair of trousers.” Lily shook her head as they sat in a remote Gower pub later on. It was the sort of place with a wood burning stove and great ale and artisan crisps. James had scurried off to the toilet to change, having slipped on a particularly frictionless patch and caked his entire rear end in the brownest, stinkiest mud possible.

“I do the same for Sirius,” Remus laughed. “The pair of them are a liability.” He gave Paddy a crisp.

James emerged in his fresh trousers, restored to his former glory. He sat down opposite Remus and took a great big sip of his pint. Lily was fiddling with her camera. Peter was reading a leaflet about hops.

“This beer,” Sirius declared, “is supremely delicious. It’s delectable; orgasmic!”

“Can you stop making love to your pint? It’s weird.” Remus took a sip of the beer which was, admittedly, rather good.

“How’s the head now? Hair of the dog working for you?” Sirius asked.

“I think,” Remus paused, “Yes, I reckon the hangover is over. Crisps, a pint and some sea air- works every time.”

“Hear hear!”

Sirius started rolling a cigarette and Lily tutted. “Haven’t you quit yet? It’ll kill you, you know.”

“I did try,” he explained, suitably admonished. “But I can’t help it. I have an addictive personality. I’ve only just got Waka Waka out of my head. Want one?” he asked, looking at Remus.

Remus only smoked sometimes but Sirius always seemed to know when he would want a cigarette. He nodded and Sirius handed him the one he had already rolled, setting about rolling another. They headed outside. Remus felt a little jittery due to insufficient sleep and excess booze still rolling around in his system. It was freezing outside and he shuddered as soon as the frigid air hit his body. Sirius glanced at him, highly amused as he shivered violently. He took his scarf off and shoved it into Remus’s chest. “You need it more than I do.”

“Thanks.” Remus wrapped it around his neck. It smelled of Sirius.

“So I’ve had a thought.” Sirius took a drag from his cigarette and glanced at Remus.

“Mmm?”

“We should get a breadmaker.”

A short, sharp laugh bubbled out of Remus before he could suppress it. “A breadmaker?”

“Yes. I like bread. You like bread. Paddy likes bread. What better way to fulfil our bread-based needs than by getting a breadmaker?”

“We don’t have room.”

“We’ve got loads of room, you just need to move some of your books.”

“Those books have been in the kitchen for at least two years. I think they’re structurally integral at this point.”

“Hmm.” Sirius pondered that for a moment. “How about I put you a shelf up? For your books? And then the space that is currently filled by said books can be seamlessly filled with a sexy breadmaker that makes loads and loads of sexy bread. It’s an investment, really, Remus.”

“You can put up a shelf?” Remus smiled wryly at the thought.

“Good Lord, yes. I suffered through woodwork lessons in school and learnt all about dovetail joints and rasps.”

“What?”

“Rasps, Remus.”

“Oh yes, silly me.” He sighed. “Right, I’ll tell you what. If you put up a shelf for my books, and you commit to making at least one loaf of sexy bread a week, I will relinquish the space for your breadmaker.”

Sirius beamed at him. “I won’t let you down.”

Remus’s cigarette was now burning tantalisingly close to the filter. He took one last puff and put it out, gesturing to indicate that it was time to go back in. He kept the scarf on as he resumed his seat. Lily had just bought a round of drinks and Paddy nudged him with his wet nose to welcome him back. He scratched behind his ears.

“I think we should go somewhere this year, once it warms up a bit,” Lily announced to the table. “We haven’t been away all together in yonks. Let’s go to the seaside; Devon or Cornwall.”

“Sea’s there, Lils.” James gestured towards the path they had just traversed.

“I mean different sea,” she laughed. “A holiday. We could go around Easter time. What do you reckon?”

“Not camping,” Sirius interjected. “I need running water and a private place to dump. But somewhere dog friendly. With a pub and a dart board. Ooh, and pasties!”

“I think you just described every Devon village,” Remus pointed out. “We can get an Airbnb or something.”

“I like the sound of that,” Peter nodded. “We can play cricket on the beach and Sirius can show us all up with his surfing skills.”

“Erm, Pete, I don’t know how to surf.”

“Yeah, but you just know you’ll be good at it.”

“Probably, yeah,” Sirius conceded.

“Brilliant!” Lily scribbled in a notebook that she, for some reason, happened to have in her coat pocket. “Right, I’ll price some places up and will let you all know what’s best.”

--

“Hi Mum,” Remus answered his phone while tucking into a bowl of pasta. He was eighty percent confident he could multitask successfully.

“Hello, love, how are you doing?”

“Fine thanks. You and Dad?”

“Oh yes, we’re all fine; same old. Your father ended up in A&E again because he fell out of the loft. Again.”

“Shit, is he alright?” Remus sat up in his seat.

“Oh yes, you know your father. He’s bouncy. Nothing broken, no concussion, so he’s getting better at positioning his falls.”

“That’s... good? How’s Frank?” Frank was their grumpy family cat.

“He’s had to have a lump removed. And the vet does think it’s cancerous but they are prone to it at his age and she said it’s usually slow growing and shouldn’t spread. He’s his usual cantankerous self. Got himself into a slagging match with the neighbour’s jack russell yesterday.”

“That does sound like Frank. Make sure you give him a kiss from me.”

“You know he’d rip my head off if I tried to do that,” she laughed. “So what are you up to tonight? Big Friday plans?”

“Sirius has actually got me a job at the pub he works in, so it’s my first shift there.”

“Oh, how exciting! And how is Sirius?” She asked, audibly perking up.

“He’s very well. Behaving.”

“That’s a shame, darling!” She cackled to herself and Remus rolled his eyes, huffing out a large sigh. “Oh, you know I’m only joking. He is so lovely though, and now that you’re single...”

“Stop please. We’ve done this. Remus, gay. Sirius, not gay. Right, I have to go. Pasta’s getting cold. Bye Mum!”

“Bye love, enjoy! And love to Sirius.”

He hung up and tucked into his pasta. He checked the time; he had about twenty minutes until he needed to leave. He ate his meal quickly then changed into black jeans and a black, long-sleeved t-shirt which he thought an appropriate outfit for bar work. The top was a little tight but he decided not to overthink it, put his jacket on and walked out of the door.

Sirius was already two hours into his shift by the time he got there. He was chatting casually with a girl at the bar but when he saw Remus, he excused himself politely. Remus took his jacket and lifted it up, asking where it should go. Sirius took it off him. “You look like me,” he said, smiling, looking him up and down. “It suits you.”

“Oh, is this not the uniform around here? I figured it must be since this is pretty much your whole wardrobe.”
,
Sirius showed him to the back room where he dumped his stuff and led him straight behind the bar. He handed him a straight pint glass. “Right, so beers are numbered one to ten from right to left. Most people just ask for the number but it’s a good idea to check what’s on at the start of your shift so when someone asks for something like a ‘mother plucker’, you understand that it’s number seven rather than some sort of inappropriate propositioning.”

“Plucker, got it.”

“Now, here’s the important bit, so pay attention. Pouring a pint, you need to take two things into consideration. Firstly, you want to hold the glass at the bottom so you’re not getting your grubby fingers where people have to put their lips. Secondly, you want to master a nice firm pull. No fannying around. Like so.” Sirius pulled a pint to demonstrate and made it look like child’s play. His t-shirt was short sleeved this evening and Remus clocked more than a couple of people in the pub appreciating his arms as he worked. Amateurs. He stepped in and gave it a go. The first pint he pulled was a little bit foamy but it didn’t take him many attempts to get it right. Next, Sirius took him through the collection of spirits and which measures to use for each order. It was a lot to take in, but he thought he’d got it. Then it was onto the wine. They went through the legalities of a small, medium, and large glass, and what kind of glass to use for each type of wine.

The till was logical and Sirius showed him how to take card payments, which wasn’t too difficult. Hayley came off her break just as he was ready to serve his first customer. They said hello to each other then she set about collecting empty glasses which were dotted around the tables.

A woman approached the bar. She looked friendly, which was a relief, and Sirius stood by his side ready to help.

“Three pints of ten, a four and a five please.”

Right, he’d got this. By pint number three, he thought he’d mastered the firm pull, and by the final pint, he had even worked out how to create a pint with the perfect amount of head. Sirius helped him to enter them into the till and he successfully negotiated a card transaction. So far, so good.

The next customer ordered a diet coke, and even Remus couldn’t fuck that.

The third ordered a lager, which they hadn’t done yet, but Sirius was on hand to demonstrate and all went well.

Mid-way through his shift, Remus had relaxed into it and was even starting to enjoy himself. He’d learnt which cobs were which and how to change the gas in the soda dispenser. He had also got to know Hayley a little better and decided that he definitely liked her and wanted to be her friend. She and Sirius had an easy reparte and he looked forward to feeling a little more comfortable in his new role so that he might feel as free to be himself.

At eleven, the last of the punters trickled out the door and Sirius slid the bolt across. Technically, Remus was allowed to go but he figured he would stay with Sirius and help him do the clear down so they could walk home together. He didn’t have anything to get up for in the morning, after all.

Watching Sirius on clear down was a sight to behold; he moved so swiftly and with such honed expertise that he gained a new appreciation for pub workers and their different sort of professionalism. They locked up and set off home. The night was bitterly cold and Remus’s teeth chattered the whole way home. Sirius, as ever, was fine.

--

A week or so later, Remus had totally got the hang of this barman lark. He served customers with ease, and now not only knew what a lager dash was, but also how to make a Bloody Mary that Horace, one of the Coven’s regulars, quickly declared the best he had ever tasted. While he didn’t get propositioned as much as Sirius did, he had still accrued a couple of fans who bought him the odd beer as he worked but didn’t make him feel uncomfortable. Of course, the woman, Angie, was barking up the wrong tree entirely, but there was more than one cute guy whose eye he had caught.

As he finished his Thursday shift, his phone vibrated in his pocket. It was his personal tutor, Benjy, and Remus’s naturally anxious disposition was such that his stomach lurched before he even knew what the issue was.

“Hello?”

“Remus,” Fenwick panted. “Remus, Violetta has gone into labour.”

“Oh, shit. Is that... is that okay? She’s not due yet, is she?”

“Not for three weeks. But it’s okay, the baby is big and it should all be fine. Obviously doesn’t want to hang around in there.”

“Right. So... is there anything I can do?” Remus was desperately hoping that Violetta wasn’t short of a birthing partner or that he was being asked to take some sort of active role in the delivery. He’d never even met the woman.

“Yes! Yes, there’s something you can do!” Benjy babbled the words, obviously agitated and running on adrenaline. “Oxford.”

“Sorry?”

“I was due to go to Oxford tomorrow for two nights. There is a residential course focussing on contemporary Italian women’s literature. Ferrante, Ginzburg, you know the drill. It’s all paid for; food, travel, accommodation, everything. I can’t go now, so I was wondering if you wanted to take my place?”

“Tomorrow?”

“It’s short notice, I know, but babies wait for no man. It’s being run by Massimo Torsello.”

“Oh God, I’ve cited his work so many times. I’m not... am I good enough?” Remus pictured himself in a circle of academic bigwigs, not able to do himself justice on such a prestigious platform.

“Yes, Remus. Yes, you are good enough. The best, in fact, which is why I’ve asked you ahead of every single one of your peers.” He paused. “And you get to use the Bodleian for the duration of your stay. Say yes.”

“Yes,” Remus croaked.

“Good man. Right, I have to go and have a baby now. I’ll email the booking information over when I get a second.”

“Good luck! And, er, thanks for thinking of me.”

“Just make sure you make the most of the free wine for me, yes?”

“Yes,” Remus laughed. Benjy hung up.

--

Remus always liked long train journeys. There was nothing he relished more than the indulgence of dead time where he wasn’t expected to achieve anything more than getting from A to B. That said, he used the three hour trip to brush up on a few of his old essays exploring some of the more prominent themes of contemporary Italian literature. He was nervous about the trip, about meeting new people and whether he could hold his own. But he was excited, too, and resolved to be as relaxed as he could be. Nobody was marking his performance and the weekend didn’t count towards any grade; it was simply a time for him to learn, to immerse himself, and to pretend for a few days that he belonged in the hallowed grounds of Oxford University.

An hour into the first roundtable discussion, he realised that his fear of being outshone had no basis in reality whatsoever. The conversation was fast-paced and exhilarating and he managed to articulate himself brilliantly. Running off adrenaline, he challenged the view of Massimo Torsello (the Massimo Torsello) after he had launched into a diatribe about the representation of homosexuality in contemporary women’s literature. He thought he might have overstepped the mark for a moment, but Torsello eyed him across the table over half-moon glasses.

“Extraordinary.” His mouth quirked up at the corner. “Yes, you make an excellent point and one I hadn’t considered before. Who are you, then?”

“Remus Lupin, Professor. I am filling in last minute for Benjy Fenwick. From Cardiff University.”

“Very good, very good. And how is old Fenwick these days?”

“He is well,” Remus smiled shyly. “He had a baby girl in the early hours of this morning. Sends his apologies.”

“Well, at least he sent a worthy replacement, eh?”

Remus’s heart pounded at the praise and he concealed his grin behind the cover of his book.

Over lunch was where things really started to get interesting. He chatted easily for the best part of an hour with a young Italian writer whose first novel had recently been published and was very well received by Italian critics. She was debating whether to stay in the UK or move back to Sicily and discussed the merits of both while Remus nodded, enraptured by her sheer intelligence and wit.

During the second seminar, Remus felt a pair of eyes fixated on him as he talked about femininity in Ferrante’s 'Amore Molesto'. He looked across the table at the man he knew was a regarded Cambridge professor and their eyes met for a moment before Remus looked back at his book. The man was probably in his early thirties. He had dark, very short hair and wore round, modern glasses. His facial hair was longer than stubble but not quite a beard. He was slim; almost skinny, and taller than Remus. His eyes were intense and unrelenting, and Remus didn’t know him but he knew from the gaze that was fixed on him that he was in trouble.

Remus was a walking cliche, he knew. The professor thing had always been inexplicably attractive to him, but luckily his professors had all been straight and refreshingly... well, married. This pretty man didn’t seem to be either of those things. He was fiercely intelligent and Remus would, frankly, have listened to him waxing lyrical about Ginzburg until the cows came home, but at five o’clock, they were dismissed.

“Remus?” he heard that voice behind him as he left for the day. He smiled a little to himself and turned around.

“Oh hi, Tom, isn’t it?”

“Yes, hi,” Tom smiled, evidently pleased that Remus knew his name. “Listen, there are a few of us going for a drink later. There is this bar; Raoul’s. The music’s great and they serve a mean mojito.”

“I’m there,” Remus smiled, hands firmly in his pockets as he rocked back and forth on his feet.

“Good. Great!” Tom laughed a little nervously and quickly got Remus’s number so he could let him know if plans changed.

When he got back to his room, Remus did what anyone would do in his position. He Googled the fuck out of Professor Tom Higgins, PHD and veritable sexpot. He was thirty four; eleven years his senior. Was that too old? What was the rule again, half your age plus seven? That would make Remus approximately two months too young to date him. Not that any of that was on the cards, but perhaps a drink or two while they were in beautiful Oxford would not be a bad thing. He kept reading to discover that he was one of the youngest professors in Cambridge history and that he technically had genius level IQ. Sexy, definitely sexy.

He showered, put on a fresh shirt and tried to make his hair behave itself. He had half an hour to kill so he spent it reading on his bed to the backdrop of an old Simpsons episode on the TV. When he headed out, he braced himself against the biting cold and pulled the collar of his coat upwards for a bit of protection.

To his relief, the people from the seminar were already there at the bar so he didn’t have to linger awkwardly by himself. He ordered himself a beer and joined the others. Tom glanced at him and raised his glass with a nod in his direction. Remus nodded back, smiling. The woman Remus knew was called Emilia was speaking quickly about the brilliance of Massimo, and what a privilege it was to spend three whole days in his company. The others were nodding in agreement and Remus thought briefly how nice it was to meet a group of like-minded people who loved the things he loved.

They asked him about himself and he gave them the rundown: masters student, accidental dog owner, lover of bad films and good music. Tom watched with interest as the others asked him questions; it turned out that outside the classroom, he was quiet and introspective. And intense; oh so intense.

“I’ve heard that Massimo recently got divorced,” Marianne smiled schemingly, taking a sip of Pinot Noir.

“Doesn’t really do it for me,” Remus laughed, willing himself not to look at Tom at that moment.

“I don’t think you’d do it for him either Remus. He’s apparently got a thing for female models.” Marianne waggled her eyebrows.

“That is a shame,” Remus grinned.

“So, Tom...” Emilia’s voice was loud and booming. “I heard that you got the funding to write a book on Calvino. Are you sworn to secrecy, or can you tell us more?”

“I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you,” he grinned and winked at Remus.

There was something about being around someone so intimidatingly intelligent that made Remus act like a bit of an idiot. For instance, when Tom asked him what his favourite food was, he said cheese. And when he asked what he wanted to do after he graduated, he said he’d like to learn to make sorbet. It was lucky that he had been more articulate early in the day, otherwise they would all think he was some sort of moronic conman who had snuck onto the course just for a laugh.

As the night ended, Tom asked where he was staying. He was in the same vicinity so they walked along the river. Students spilled out of bars as the two of them chatted easily about where they were from and how much they liked Oxford. When they got the student accommodation Remus was staying in, Tom kissed him on the cheek and wished him goodnight. Remus grinned himself to sleep.

The next day passed much the same. Remus spent his lunch hour browsing the Bodleian with Tom, who leant over him at one point to grab a book and sent Remus’s heart into what he could only imagine was a potentially fatal arrhythmia. He was too sexy for words, and that was the real problem: Remus could seemingly only talk to him when he was drunk. Perhaps if they had weeks, he would relax a little and let Tom see that he wasn’t exactly stupid himself, but they did not. They had one more night, so after the day was over, and the drinks reception was done, Remus grabbed a glass of wine and drank it so quickly it made him a little nauseous.

Tom was soon at his side. He handed him another glass and raised an eyebrow. “I liked what you were saying about Morante earlier. Very insightful.”

Oh God, now he had to think of words and manage to say them aloud. He sipped his wine and nodded, buying himself a bit of time. “I like your hairstyle,” he said eventually. Good work, Lupin, his addled brain scolded.

Tom broke out into a huge grin. “You’re lovely,” he said quietly. “Look, do you want to go somewhere else? I think things are dying off here.”

Remus nodded mutely and they left the hall where the drinks were served, heading towards the strip of bars they had visited the night before. Remus was now two glasses of wine in, so he was making the slow transition to being able to speak to the man beside him.

“So, I know you’re biased,” he said as they ambled down the street. “But Oxford or Cambridge?”

Tom laughed musically. “I’d be lying if I said Cambridge, wouldn’t I? Being here makes me feel like I’m in a Philip Pullman book. It’s... I don’t know, there’s something about the place. It’s like this sacred hub of learning and knowledge and it feels like it’s been crafted just for you.”

Remus made a noise of agreement in the back of his throat. “It’s beautiful. I adore it. But Cardiff has my heart.”

They dived into a quiet wine bar where Remus insisted on buying the bottle that they shared. He went mid-price range in a bid to make Tom forget that he was a lowly student. Already, he was enjoying having even a tiny bit of disposable income.

“I have this theory.” Tom poured them each a glass.

“Oh?”

“I think Torsello is a closet homosexual.”

Remus nearly spat out his wine. “He’s a known philanderer.”

“Exactly. Trying too hard to cover it up.”

Remus shook his head, smiling. And he was feeling bold so when their knees touched under the table, rather than pulling away, he pressed into it. Tom caught his eye and smiled; a soft thing that made Remus’s tummy flip.

They stayed in the bar until close. There had been a few more touches, glances, loaded pauses, and Remus was now ninety percent sure that he had not misread the signs; Tom was into him. As they headed back towards Remus’s building, they stood close together, shoulders and fingers occasionally brushing, sending frissions of anticipation through Remus.

“So,” Tom smiled as they reached their destination. “One more lecture in the morning. And then we’ll never see each other again.”

Remus looked at him for a split second, then did probably the bravest thing he had ever done. “Fuck it,” he said aloud and pulled Tom towards him. He pressed their lips together and Tom responded instantly, grabbing at Remus and returning the kiss. Tom was all hands and fervour and Remus thought that perhaps this was the greatest kiss of all time. Tom’s lips were firm and soft and sweet with wine, and when he slid his tongue into Remus’s mouth, he thought that if he could suspend time so that he would always be here, snogging the sexy genius professor, he probably would.

Tom pulled away panting after a minute or two, or maybe eight, Remus couldn’t tell anymore since his brain had been replaced entirely by cotton wool.

“Are you too young for this?” Tom asked breathlessly. “How old are you?”

“Very nearly twenty four,” Remus breathed, pulling him back in and didn’t give him a chance to respond. “Are you coming up?” he asked when they broke apart once more.

Tom looked yearningly up towards Remus’s bedroom. “Remus,” he said softly. “Oh God, you have no idea how much I want to. It’s just...” He trailed off, looking at the ground.

“Oh.” Remus was crestfallen. “Right, okay. It’s fine, don’t worry. I don’t... it’s not a big deal.”

“It’s not you.” Tom pleaded with his eyes. “It’s... it’s me.”

Remus snorted. “Bit of a tired line, that. I’d think being a world renowned professor, you could come up with a more inventive way to say ‘I don’t fancy you’."

Tom sighed. He looked Remus dead in the eye and whispered “Remus. I have gonorrhoea.”

--

Sirius Black was a crier; had been all the time Remus had known him. He cried frequently: cried at all the sad parts in films, cried when he saw an old couple holding hands, cried when he was so happy he thought he might burst. And when Remus had been home for around an hour and told him the story of Professor Tom Higgins, he laughed so hard that tears spilled freely from his eyes and he could only emit wet little sobs. Remus thought he might give himself a hernia.

“Are you quite finished?” Remus made a face but he knew that the laughter in his eyes would give him away.

Sirius was gasping for breath, dramatically clinging onto the table. “Oh God, I’ve got a stitch!” He collapsed back into hysterical laughter while Remus just sat and waited for him to regain his composure, sighing deeply.

Paddy rested his head on Remus’s knees and looked at him with soulful eyes. “I know, mate.” Remus scratched his head. “I can’t control him either.”

Sirius pulled himself together and put a hand on Remus’s forearm. “Remus,” he said. “I’ve got gonorrhoea.” And then he was gone again.

Minutes later, when Remus had made himself a cup of tea, cleaned the kitchen and taken the bin out, Sirius’s laughter slowly ebbed.

“Finished?” Remus asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“Finished.” Sirius wiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. “So what else did you get up to this weekend? Apart from your new fancy man and his drippy cock.” A single tear tracked down his cheek and his eyes were the wildest and naughtiest Remus had perhaps ever seen them.

“You’re a terrible person.” Remus opened the kitchen drawer to put the bin bags away and shut it a little harder than he otherwise would have. “I had a great time. I Learned a lot, actually. Oh will you fucking stop?” Sirius was laughing again and Remus decided the best thing he could do was to take Paddy out for a walk and wait for Sirius’s silly mood to abate.

When they got back, Sirius seemed to have composed himself; properly this time. He apologised for his childish behaviour and made Remus a hot chocolate. Remus looked around the kitchen, which Sirius had kept surprisingly tidy while he was away. He watched Sirius wipe up a tiny patch of spilled milk and thought how lovely it was to be home and reunited with his strange little family, how much he had missed them. Sirius sat down at the table and Remus told him all the details of the course, describing all the characters he’d met and the places he’d been. Sirius listened intently and asked questions, genuinely interested.

“Are you still okay for your shift tomorrow night, or do you need a night off?” Sirius asked once the Oxford topic had been exhausted.

“No, I’m looking forward to it,” Remus smiled. “Are you really alright with me working there, though? We spend so much time together at the moment, you’re going to get sick of me.”

“No.” Sirius’s reply was instant and he shook his head with the beginnings of a smile on his face. “No I’m not.”

Remus nodded and returned the smile with a little one of his own. There was a quietness between them now that was out of the ordinary. Sirius was smiling but there was something slightly melancholy in his eyes, Remus thought.

“What are you thinking about?” Remus asked.

Sirius looked at him, perhaps for a second too long and shook his head, smiling tightly.

Remus felt a jolt in his stomach that he hadn’t felt for years as he pushed down an old, oh so familiar stab of yearning that sat half formed in the base of his abdomen.

Nope, he thought to himself. Don’t even fucking think about it, Lupin. Don’t you dare.

--

“If I decided I did want to go and meet Regulus and his undoubtedly dreadful girlfriend,” Sirius asked casually one night as they did the washing up, “would you come with me?”

Remus looked at him carefully. “You want me to come with you to meet your estranged brother and his significant other?”

“Yes?” Sirius raised an eyebrow, and Remus marvelled for a moment at how he could pull off Marigold gloves without looking completely absurd.

“Okay.” Remus picked up a plate that glistened with soapy suds and wiped it with the tea towel. “Your parents won’t be there, will they?”

“Good one,” Sirius barked an incredulous laugh.

“When was the last time you saw them?”

“Erm. About eight years ago. I was sixteen; just finished school and home for the summer holidays.”

“Wow. God, that’s a third of your life.” Remus rifled around in his brain for something to say. “Do you ever miss them?”

Sirius snorted, placing another plate on the drying rack. “You did not just ask me that.”

Remus looked at him. And solemn grey eyes looked back. Remus breathed in sharply through his nose, feeling like he was navigating choppy waters. “I take that as a no.”

“Correct.”

“You’ve never told me much about them. And you don’t have to, obviously, but I...” he trailed off.

Sirius heaved in a large breath and fixed his eyes on Remus. “You know the Le Pens?”

“As in French far right loonies? Yeah.”

“Yes, well Jean-Marie is a close family friend. We used to spend all summer in France in our second home when I was a kid, and he came round for dinner parties and stuff. So did Marine sometimes, along with other rich, right wing nut jobs.” He shuddered, plunging a bowl into the sink. “And let me tell you that even their views aren’t a patch on my parents’.”

“Is this one of those times where you’re exaggerating for the sake of drama?” Remus asked, sipping at his wine.

“It is not. I mean, my Dad once got arrested for inciting racial hatred at an Anti-Islamic Rally. You’ll never meet him, thank God, but he’s a racist, homophobic, misogynistic, tiny little worm of a man. Rumour has it he’s also a Holocaust denier, although I’ve never actually caught him in the act.”

“Fuck.”

“Yup. That’s Orion. And then Walburga; God where do I begin?” Sirius smiled to himself. “When I was in Year 9, we studied Macbeth. And we did a whole class on Lady Macbeth: how she strips herself of everything feminine and good in her ruthless quest for power, ‘unsex me here’, ‘thou art too full of the milk of human kindness’, you know the drill. And I was just sat there the whole time wondering what the big deal was, because the woman I called mother was like Lady Macbeth’s more depraved little sister. Truly the serpent under the flower.” He was still looking at Remus who felt a little uncomfortable under the weight of his gaze.

“I know this isn’t the point but frankly, I’m impressed how much of Macbeth you remember. Did she work, your mum?” Remus asked. His tea towel was saturated so he switched it out for a dry one from the drawer.

“That’s the worst thing; that they had power. My father was a mogul and my mother was his Chief Operating Officer. They were a real fucking dynasty and it gave them this mouthpiece; this captive audience for all their bullshit. They moved in the highest echelons of society - English and French, and they poisoned others the whole time with their vile, toxic views.”

“So I’m guessing none of this led to them being the cuddly sort of parenting team?”

For the first time, sadness flashed over Sirius’s face. “No,” he said after a moment. “I mean, my delightful father was off shagging anything that moved. So it was mostly me, Reg, and the she-devil.”

A vivid image of a young Sirius trapped in a loveless home flashed into Remus’s mind and filled him with a profound sadness. Someone with so much light inside them; so spirited and kind, should never be shackled, least of all by those who were meant to be looking after him.

“How... how was that?” Remus picked up a stack of plates and put them away in the cupboard.

“I tried my hardest to stay out of her way. Only came out of my room when I had to, or to leave and go outside. But she fucking despised me.” He paused and searched Remus’s face for something unknown. Remus thought he might be assessing how much to divulge. “There was this one time, I left my socks on the bathroom floor. She came into my room, dragged me by the hair into the bathroom to show me. And then, to prove her point, she threw me head-first into the cast iron radiator. Split my head open. You can still feel the scar.” He took Remus’s hand with his own gloved one and guided it into his hair to feel the skin on the top of his head. Remus could feel the clear outline of a raised scar, and he swallowed thickly.

“How old were you?”

“About seven?” Sirius inhaled sharply through his nose. He let go of Remus’s hand. “There was another time, Reg was really stuck with his English homework so I helped him out; gave him a few pointers. She caught us at it and lost her mind. She was a woman possessed, started ranting about how he was never going to learn if I fought his battles for him. She launched herself on both of us, that time. I jumped on top of Reg to try and protect him, and we were both on the floor with me shielding him. She stamped on me, like a lot, and broke three ribs. I had to tell the doctor in the hospital that I’d been white water rafting and fallen onto a rock.” He breathed in deeply. “I swear, Remus, I can still see the face of this one nurse. She knew. She knew what had happened to me and she didn’t want to discharge me but she was overridden. I was medically fit to go and Walburga pulled rank so her boss made the call. I was a bit older then; eleven, maybe.”

Remus couldn’t quite catch his breath. He felt distraught; cracked wide open and bare. He chanced a glance at Sirius, whose face was even and calm.

“Sirius,” was all he managed to say.

“It’s a strange thing,” Sirius spoke calmly after a long pause, “despising your mother. I hate my father too, but it’s always been less... vehement.”

Remus pondered this. “And what about Regulus?”

Sirius shrugged. “No hate there. I think he’s a little sycophant. And a bit clueless, but I could never claim to hate him.”

They sat in silence for a good while. Remus got the distinct feeling that Sirius knew he would be struggling to process everything he had just heard and he was giving him a moment to digest.

“What made you leave?” he asked, eventually.

“I was sixteen and back from school. I’d resolved all term not to let them get to me anymore. I was meant to go back to boarding school for sixth form; that was the plan and the fees were all lined up, as good as paid.” He picked some dirt out from underneath his fingernail. “We were having dinner one night, and I can still picture it now, all of us sat at this huge mahogany dining table. Orion was back so we had to dress up all nicely and pretend to like each other. It was a fucking farse; Walburga was talking about this convention she was going to, and it was about... I think it was a pro-life thing or something. And I made a comment which made it clear I thought she was a psychopath - can’t remember what I said now but I know it wasn’t complimentary. She is a formidable woman, my mother, but I had this moment of clarity where I realised I wasn’t scared of her any more. Fear had always been her currency and without it, she held so much less clout.

“Anyway, I think she might have realised that something had switched; that she needed to up the ante. The vein on her forehead was bulging like it was going to burst. She stood up and I honestly, for the smallest moment, thought that she was going to kill me. But she threw her steak knife at me. And it landed just here.” Sirius pointed at the scar that sat just millimeters below his left eye. Remus had never known how it got there. “The actual injury wasn’t that severe, considering. But I realised that she knew no bounds and it could have been... well, pretty bad, actually. I got up, extracted the fucking knife from my face and went up to my room. I packed a rucksack with a few bits and bobs and about twenty minutes later, found myself on Alphard’s doorstep.”

“And he took you in?”

“Yeah; didn’t hesitate for a moment. He made me go to the hospital and I got a couple of stitches. I just remember going to bed that night and feeling so bloody relieved; I knew then I’d never go back. And it was great, actually. He had this funny little house in Walthamstow and we sort of fell into this odd little routine. I went to the local college, got a job in Tesco, contributed a bit to the bills, and he seemed to like the company in his old age. He was a huge breath of fresh air. I’m still not sure how the Blacks churned him out, but I suppose every family has its outcasts. Did you know he was a drag queen?”

“Alphard!?”

“Mmhmm. He carried on with his drag act into his eighties. Even after he went into that home, he did little performances for the residents.”

“That’s amazing.”

“He was pretty amazing,” Sirius grinned.

“So when did you end up at the Potters’?”

“End of first year. Aphard’s health wasn’t great so he went into the home and James just took me home with him and that was that. It seems odd to think about it now. I was very lucky.” Sirius looked earnestly at Remus and shrugged minutely.

Remus felt full to the brim with competing emotions. Once more, he found himself at a loss and didn’t know what he could possibly say.

“I’m not sure I would call it luck.” He met Sirius’s gaze and tried to temper the pained expression that was threatening to take over his face. “I... hadn’t realised it was that bad.”

“I hadn’t told you,” Sirius shrugged. He finished washing the final spoon and put it down on the draining board gently.

“No,” Remus smiled sadly. “And that’s very much your prerogative. I just... I think about my parents and the things that piss me off about them: too nosy, too involved, too embarrassing. And really, those annoying things are all just hallmarks of excess love spilling over, aren’t they? And I take for granted that I’ve never felt unsafe; not ever. And I’ve never thought that I’d be better off without them and their ridiculous excess of love.”

“It’s okay, Remus.” Sirius shook his head. He pulled off the gloves slowly.

“I mean, it’s really fucking not.” Remus said instantly. “It’s not okay at all.”

“No,” Sirius conceded. “But it’s my childhood, and I don’t get another one.”

“No.”

“Besides, I have you lot, and the Potters; you’re my family. And that’s pretty brilliant.”

Something snapped deep in Remus’s belly. He reached out and touched his hand to Sirius’s wet, soapy forearm which was warm in contrast with Remus’s perpetually cold hands. The gesture felt lame, not enough, but Sirius looked up at him with eyes that were dilated, huge, humble. Sirius placed his other hand over Remus’s and squeezed gently. Remus looked at their touching hands for a second then drew his back, letting it dangle awkwardly at his side.

He cleared his throat. “What do you want to do tonight?”

“Shall we just get pissed and play Bananagrams?” Sirius’s eyes resumed their trademark twinkle.

“You read my mind.”

--

Remus was having a Marco day. He had made the mistake of looking through the box he had of key momentos from their relationship: the cork he had kept from the wine bottle from their first date, the plane ticket from when Remus went to stay with Marco’s family over Easter, the piece of paper Marco had left on Remus’s desk one morning when he went to an early lecture with a scrawled I love you. That had been the first time he’d said it. There were photographs that captured days when they had been so happy and so carefree, and letters sent back and forth during the various periods of separation they had conquered during their time together.

Quite why he was subjecting himself to this masochistic exercise was beyond him. He wondered fleetingly whether he should be over it by now. Should he have forgotten all about the sod who broke his heart? One thought that he comforted himself with was that he hadn’t thought twice before getting his hands on (and then swiftly off) the sexpot professor. This had to be a good thing, didn’t it? There were no thoughts of Marco as he kissed the sexpot and even asked the sexpot up to his room. Progress, of sorts. And, he supposed, there were no thoughts of Marco when he was just hanging out with Paddy and Sirius; it was being alone that got his mind wandering back to the Italian.

So perhaps, then, he needed to be... less alone. Less alone and less dependent on Sirius to distract him because that method was... not without its pitfalls.

He rang Marlene.

“What’s up, love of my life?”

“Marls, you’ve done the Tinder thing, yes?” Remus blushed even though he was sat in his room alone.

“Say no more. I’m coming over.”

An hour later, they had used Remus’s laptop, which was now making a concerning crunching noise whenever he browsed the internet, to set him up with a new dating profile. They had chosen a picture where he looked tanned and relaxed and Marlene had written the ‘about me’ section when Remus’s first draft just read ‘I am quite nice’.

“Okay, now’s the fun bit,” Marlene enthused. “You swipe right if you like the look of someone. So Phil, 32, Physicist? Nope. Swipe left. But Brian, 28, Plumber? Yes, yes, yes. Swipe right. Blow job lips. You get me?”

“I do.” Remus nodded. “Isn’t this all a bit shallow?”

“Horrendously so,” Marlene laughed. “This is probably not where you’re going to meet your future husband, I’ll admit. But it might get you out of your Marco rut, yes?”

“Yes. I just- I’ve never dated, really; never put myself out there.”

“You’re going to be awful at it.” Marlene kept swiping.

“Thanks. Why did you swipe left? He was okay!”

“Okay is not going to knock Marco off the top spot. We’re going for prime cuts only, Remus.”

He groaned. Marlene left around five and was replaced by Sirius who came home from work just before dinner time.

Sirius stood in the doorway of Remus’s bedroom and wordlessly looked at his computer screen for a moment. “Are you going to be alright to leave in twenty?”

“Sure. Remind me why I agreed to this again?”

“Because you’re a good friend and you need to stop me from misbehaving in front of the lady friend,” Sirius winked.

“What’s her name?”

“Mariella Malfoy.”

“That’s quite the name! Do I need to look nice?”

“Wear whatever you like,” Sirius shrugged. “I’m not going fancy.”

--

Mariella Malfoy really was the most unpleasant young woman Remus had ever had the pleasure of meeting. She was slim and blonde with an unpleasant, pinched face and a haughty laugh that made him bristle. She had arrived at the restaurant in jodhpurs and riding boots and apologised for just coming from the yard. Her hair was almost comically large and she wore the biggest pearl earrings Remus had ever seen. She was in the middle of telling them all about her father’s yacht, Priscilla, and how the live-in chef had once dared to serve fillet steak served medium rare, not rare.

“Oh gosh, speaking of which, Reggie and I went to play golf the other day, at Wentworth, naturally.”

“Naturally,” Sirius chortled. He was brazenly taking the piss but dear Mariella did not seem to notice.

“And we dined in the club that evening. Usually, the food there is superb. Daddy always says it’s the best restaurant for miles, but you’ll never guess what I found in my sea bass? A bone!” She laughed like a drain. Remus was grateful that they had opted to come out just for a drink.

“That is a hoot,” Sirius nodded. “Remus, wouldst thou care for a big fat beer?”

They stood and walked to the bar. “Dial it down, dickwad.”

“I’m sorry but have you met her. Is she for real? I’m serious, is she a human being or some sort of upper class automaton?” Sirius nudged him when he didn’t laugh. “Hey, what’s up? We can get out of here after this one, promise.”

“Oh no, I’m fine,” he said quietly. “Just a bit in my head is all. Keep thinking about Marco and feeling a bit sorry for myself.”

“Oh mate. Let’s get you a beer.”

“Okay. I joined Tinder today. Deciding to see it as a positive.”

“You did?” Sirius looked more than a little sceptical.

“I figured if I go on a couple of dates, it might pave the way for me getting over it properly. I can’t mope around forever, can I?” He ordered their drinks.

“So you... want a boyfriend?” Sirius glanced at him as he played with a spot of condensation on the bar.

“Not really. I don’t think I’d be ready for anything serious, I just want to get out and meet people I wouldn’t normally meet, you know?”

“Yeah.” Sirius smiled. “I know. Ready to head back? Gird your loins.”

They took two drinks each and headed to the table. As they walked, Remus looked at Regulus. He was uncannily like his brother in so many ways. He was strikingly handsome, but in a way that was almost too chiselled and cold and his eyes were the same grey as his brother’s but they were... not lifeless but not nearly as twinkly. His hair was cut short but Remus could tell that it was just as thick and soft as Sirius’s, and his lips were more severe. The experience of meeting him had been very surreal indeed.

“Oh, hello you two - took your time, didn’t you?” Regulus drawled. They handed the drinks over and sat back down. “We were just discussing our wedding. It’s going to be at the Ritz, you know. Mariella’s dress is being hand made in Paris.”

“Lovely,” Remus smiled politely. “When is the wedding?”

“August 31st.” Regulus looked at his future wife with a sickening look on his face that made Remus feel a little ill.

“Lovely, “ Remus said again, looking to Sirius for help.

“Of course,” Regulus chortled, “Maz was a little more svelte last time she went to Paris, so maybe she’ll have to walk down the aisle in... a high street dress.” He and Mariella trilled with laughter while she elbowed him not so subtly in the side. Remus took a huge gulp from his beer.

--

Sirius was quiet as they walked home. Remus was filling all the gaps in conversation for him; certain that Sirius needed just that for the moment.

“And the thing is, they’re so horrible to each other! Like, the amount of subtle digs they made at each other all night, I thought they would break up there and then.”

Sirius huffed a laugh.

“And when she was talking about the ring he had bought which was only 14 karat gold, I swear to God, I almost said something. I was this close!” He turned to Sirius but stopped in his tracks when he saw his expression, which was almost unbearably sad. “Are you alright?”

“I’m alright,” Sirius sighed. “I just always thought he might break out of all the bullshit. But he’s chosen to marry it.”

“I’m pretty sure Marlene would crucify you if she knew you had just called a woman ‘it’.”

“She would.” Sirius breathed in slowly. “I think we both think we’re the lucky one, me and Reg. He’s got all his airs and graces and the ratty fiancé, and a servant to wipe his arse, probably.” He looked straight at Remus. “But I get to be with you. And James. And the girls. And even, you know, Pete.” He looked away. “I feel like I got out and won the fucking lottery.”

“And he will never understand that.”

“No. But I do.” He thrust his hands into his pockets. “And God...” he gazed at him from under heavy eyelids. “I’m the lucky one.”

Chapter 6: February

Notes:

Hope you're all well and keeping sane(ish). This is a long weekend for us here in the UK so lots of time for getting some writing done and crying because I can't go to the pub. Keep the comments coming - they make me smile like a loon.

Sirius looked up from If this is a Man, which he was reading on the sofa. “You look fancy. Where are you off to?”

Remus shrugged off the compliment, though he was wearing a nice new shirt and his best arse-hugging jeans. “I have a date.”

Sirius put his book down. “Oh?”

“Yeah, his name’s Robbie. He’s... uh... he works for Amnesty International.”

Sirius’s expression was unreadable as he surveyed him. “Tinder date? Can I see him?”

“Yeah, sure.” Remus got his phone out and showed him a picture of the guy he had been chatting to for a few days.

“Hmm,” Sirius muttered under his breath.

“What does hmm mean?” Remus asked, a little defiant.

Sirius looked up from the phone. “Hmm doesn’t mean anything. It’s literally the nothingest thing you can say.” He paused. “Are you into him then?”

“Not hugely,” Remus admitted. “Think he might be a bit self righteous, actually. I could sack it off and we could go and see a film or something, if you fancy?”

Sirius handed his phone back to him. “I’ve got plans, actually.”

“Oh, right. Anything nice?”

“Rugby practice. Then going for drinks with a couple of the lads.” Sirius shot him a strained smile. “Good luck with your date.”

--

Remus awoke the next morning with a pounding head. His date with Robbie had been unfortunate all round, given their general lack of any sort of common ground or ability to agree on pretty much anything. It had also the additional unwelcome consequence of him drinking far more than he normally would, and now all that beer appeared to be pooled directly behind his left eye, mocking him and making him feel more than a little bit nauseous. He sighed to himself and noticed that his entire left side was freezing cold where the duvet had slipped off him in the night. His right side was unpleasantly, stickily hot, which he thought was an achievement. He clambered out of bed, swaying slightly and thinking aloud that he might still be a little bit drunk. Again, an achievement.

Wrapped in his scratchy dressing gown, and in his fully bespectacled state (contact lenses were definitely not on the cards this morning), he shuffled down the hall to the kitchen. It was freezing, and he thought there genuinely might be ice on the inside of the window. He switched on the wall heater which shuddered into action and pulled up a chair so that he could almost sit on top of it. He supposed he should eat something, or at least force down a cup of tea, but the thought of consuming anything made him retch slightly so he decided to hold off for an hour or so.

Little clangs emitted from Sirius’s bedroom. Perhaps he was tidying, Remus thought, though that seemed slightly improbable at eight on a Wednesday morning. Gradually, the clanging became more rhythmical and Remus realised with mild horror that it was the sound of the bed knocking gently against the wall. Again. And again. This could only mean one thing - Sirius was not alone. Remus realised that he hadn’t seen Sirius when he got in last night and he must have brought his bed mate home before he got back. But Sirius never bought anyone home - he never even came close. Come to think of it, Remus hadn’t ever really known Sirius to pull anyone, though he supposed he must have done during the years they had been friends. This was alien, and Remus’s stomach lurched slightly when he thought that there was some naked woman in his house. But that was grossly unfair - he himself had had Marco over to stay at least twice a week for, well, years. This was no different, he supposed.

He didn’t really want to hear Sirius getting down and dirty, so he popped the radio on and reached for his book. He read the same line over and over again before giving up and resigning himself to scrolling through his phone mindlessly. Mindless was just what the doctor ordered, he thought. Some time later, everything had gone quiet. He figured that it was safe and turned off the radio when some grating DJ started talking about Valentine’s day, which was just around the corner. Sod that.

He had just set to reading an interesting but depressing article about the polar ice caps when he heard the knob of Sirius’s door twist. His stomach did likewise. He tried to look as nonchalant as possible but he knew that the mystery woman would need to walk past the kitchen so he had angled himself in a way that ensured he would be able to sneak a peek.

He heard Sirius’s voice in the hallway mumble something he couldn’t make out. And then came a response from another voice.

Remus’s heart leapt into his throat and he could hear his pulse in his ears. But there was no mistaking it. The owner of the other voice was not some bronzed, blonde goddess, nor a rugby WAG type, like he had imagined. No, it was definitely, 100% the voice of a man.

Everything happened quickly then. Remus forgot the plan about nonchalance and leapt out of his seat, the chair scraping on the tiled floor as he did. And then he was stood and charged to the kitchen door, losing any semblance of cool he might have been able to muster. He swung his head around the doorframe and saw, standing there, a boy. No, actually, he was definitely a man. Six foot tall, blonde, sporty and, well, hot. Behind him Sirius looked up jerkily and for a bizarre moment just looked at Remus, grey eyes boring into his. Then he looked down and cleared his throat.

“Remus. This... er... this is Jamie.”

At this point, Remus’s faculties seemed to abandon him altogether. All he could do was stand there and gawp. In his dressing gown. And his glasses. His legs trembled and he was utterly unable to form words.

“Right, err, I’ll be off, I think,” poor Jamie stuttered, looking between the two of them. Then at Sirius. “See you at training on Thursday, Sirius,” he smiled sheepishly then made a swift exit, leaving the two of them stood in the hallway, staring at the floor.

“Well, that was a bit rude, mate.” Sirius trilled cheerfully, searching Remus’s face for an explanation for his unorthodox behaviour. But still Remus just stood there. He suddenly felt a desperate, inexplicable need to cry. And, like the child he had apparently turned into, he barged past Sirius and ran into his room, slamming the door behind him.

“Right, then,” he heard Sirius sigh through the door and retire into his own room.

He didn’t know what had got into him. He was in shock, he assumed, because there was no other reason he would act like such an utter imbecile. He wrapped himself up in his duvet and decided there was no way he could come out ever. He would live in his room, and quite possibly die there, and Sirius would call the police once he started to notice the smell. Which was all well and good, except he needed a wee and he still hadn’t even had that cup of tea, and his mouth was a little dry. He decided he could have ten minutes to mull things over before he would go out, apologise, and hang his head in shame.

Right, then. So Sirius, his best friend of many years, had slept with a man. Sirius was not straight. This changed... everything. Didn’t it? He felt like their entire dynamic, carefully crafted over years of closeness and camaraderie, had been wiped away and was no longer an actuality. He wracked his mind, cast back through the years, for any evidence of Sirius ever being interested in a woman, but he came up empty. He had never corrected them, though, when they teased him about the attention he got from the fairer sex. He had never put them right.

And now Remus just felt... stupid. Stupid for assuming, stupid for not figuring it out, stupid because he was obviously not an important enough figure in Sirius’s life to be trusted with this vital piece of information. He had never felt less like he was on steady ground.

He exhaled sharply, and stood to put on some more structured items of clothing when there was a gentle knock at the door. He didn’t feel prepared for what was about to happen. “Hey. Come in,” he sighed.

Sirius tentatively opened the door, face unreadable. “Ready to talk about it yet?”

“Are you?” he asked pointedly. Sirius raised an eyebrow at him, sat on the bed and started playing with his lighter. “So, Jamie?”.

“Yes, Jamie.”

“Are you... together?” Remus asked, nerves building.

“We are not.” Sirius shrugged. “He’s a mate from rugby. Occasionally we...” he paused, “for want of a better phrase, we hook up.”

“Hook up... right,” Remus responded, desperately trying to sound casual. “So you... have sex with men?”

Sirius nodded. “Sometimes, yeah.”

“Sometimes? As in, sometimes you have sex with women?” Remus probed.

Sirius snorted ungracefully. “Ah, well, not so much, no.”

“Right, not so much.” Remus bit his lip, deep in thought. “So you’re... gay then?”

“I’m gay then.” Sirius nodded solemnly, letting out a little laugh.

“Stop fucking around, Sirius, this matters.” Remus spat.

“Sorry, I just, I can sense your thoughts going a thousand miles a minute,” Sirius smiled. “Try to relax a bit, Re.”

“I’m never relaxed, Sirius. You of all people know this.” Remus shook his head. “Who knows?”

“James. Just James.”

“James knows?” And you didn’t tell me, Remus’s brain supplied.

“Yeah. He saw me making out with some guy in second year, at that massive barbecue we all went to, so the jig was somewhat up.”

There was a long silence where Sirius just sat on the bed, looking across the room at nothing in particular, giving Remus all the time he needed.

Remus breathed in. “I’m struggling here, Sirius. You’re hardly someone who feels the need to conform.” Remus eyed the tattoo Sirius had on his forearm of a mythical creature with the head of an eagle and the body of a horse that he had done three years prior ‘because why not?’ “Why wouldn’t you want to tell people?”

Sirius put his lighter down on the bed and let out a sharp breath through his nose. “I’m not ashamed or anything, Re. This isn’t about some moral crisis, I just don’t see that it’s anyone else’s business who I go to bed with.”

“Not even mine?” Remus looked up and straight into Sirius’s eyes imploringly.

“Oh don’t be like that, I just didn’t ever feel the need to have some grand reveal. If you’d asked me questions, I would have answered them.”

“You hardly encouraged them, Sirius. You did absolutely nothing to arouse suspicion. And you never corrected us when we spoke about the girls we all thought you were shagging.”

“Again, I like to keep these things private.”

Remus kept going. “It was a lie, really. Of omission, at least. ”

“That’s bollocks.” Sirius slammed his hand down on the bed, making Remus jump. “It wasn’t a lie.” He routed his glare right at Remus. “No, it fucking wasn’t. And I did nothing to make anyone think I was straight, you all just... assumed. I-- I’ve never lied to you. Never fucking would.”

“I meant-”

“You know what, Remus? All you’ve done is prove that none of this is worth it and I was better off keeping it quiet.” Sirius sucked in a breath and Remus felt a chill run through the room which was nothing to do with the poor insulation. He turned to face him, his usually warm eyes now cool and detached. “I always knew some people would be dicks about this, you know? I just never thought for one moment that you would be one of them. What the fuck is your problem?”

“My problem!?” Remus found his voice raising to near-shouting volume. “My problem is that I feel like I don’t even know you!”

Sirius stood, indicating that the conversation was over. “And clearly, I don’t know you,” he said coolly. He looked at Remus once more, shook his head, disgusted, and left.

Remus felt like he had been stabbed. He had never had an argument with Sirius, or at least not one that extended to more than a mild bicker about the washing up, or Sirius leaving his damp laundry in the washing machine for days so that it went all putrid and smelly. He felt incredibly bereft, like a part of him had been chopped off. He already knew that he’d fucked up dramatically and he desperately wanted to make things right but he just wasn’t able to shake the dark, nagging feeling that he had been betrayed somehow.

He breathed in the frigid air of his bedroom. Everything was thrown into sharp relief as he thought back to various conversations the two of them had had over the years. Conversations about life, and love, and the big questions. Sirius was right; not once had he ever claimed that his life plans featured a woman. Remus had always figured that he just wasn’t the type to aspire to a life of children and marriage and cosy comfort, but perhaps he was wrong. Once more, he felt starkly that he had no clue about the person he was meant to be closest to.

He had to shower, had to wash the argument off him, somehow. He heaved himself off the bed and moments later was under the too-hot water of their temperamental shower. He knew the heat would make his skin dry and itchy but he didn’t really care today. He went back into his room and switched on his laptop, which, in a moment of poetic justice, emitted its final dying groan before the screen flickered into blackness. He swore and threw it against the wall.

--

Two weeks passed. It had been a fortnight of Remus trying to intercept Sirius; trying to make it right. Most nights, Sirius came home in the early hours, and Remus suspected he was doing the rounds, spending his evenings at Lily and James’s, Marlene’s and Peter’s. He had also rearranged his shifts so that they no longer worked at the pub at the same time and Hayley was now supervising both of his shifts instead.

Remus had gone as far as knocking on his door when he was 90% sure he was in his room, but Sirius firmly did not want to see him; that much was clear. He even left post-its around the house and a note on the bathroom mirror, but to no avail.

And that’s how he found himself knocking on the door of a familiar little terraced house in Canton one Saturday after lunch. He knew this was potentially a bad idea but he was running out of options. The door swung open and James smiled wryly at him and nodded him inside. He beckoned him into the kitchen where he opened them both a beer as they sat at the rustic, round table.

“So then,” James quirked an eyebrow and Remus thought for a moment how much he and Sirius were alike.

“You look like him when you do that.” Remus inhaled sharply. “I assume he told you what happened?”

“Said you found out he shags men and you were a bit of a bellend about it.” James was not usually one to beat around the bush and today was no exception.

“Yeah, that’s about the measure of it. Massive bellend, actually.”

“That’s actually what he said - I was just being nice.” James laughed. “What we’re struggling to understand is why you were a massive bellend, though.”

“Yeah, me too,” Remus admitted, picking at the paper on his beer bottle. “I think it’s embarrassment, to be honest. I feel like I was stupid and naive and... that I was the butt of the joke.”

“Because he fucked a guy?”

“Because I didn’t know this big, huge thing about him. And I don’t know what I did to make him feel like he couldn’t tell me.”

“Oh, mate.” James looked at him sympathetically. “I really don’t think it’s like that. And it’s not like he told me, either. You know Sirius, he moves in mysterious ways.”

“God, you can say that again!” Remus groaned and buried his head in his crossed arms on the table. “We haven’t spoken for two weeks, James. I can’t handle it, it’s dreadful. The gang can’t handle it. Even the bloody dog can’t handle it! You should see him every time he leaves.”

James surveyed him for a moment. “Right, well I’d say it’s about time to put an end to this nonsense, wouldn’t you?” He nodded sagely. “You’ve obviously still got some things to chat through with him, but he will talk to you about it, Remus. He thinks the world of you, you know that. But the important thing is that you do talk because nothing’s going to get sorted if you just sit cry-wanking in your room.”

“Charming.”

“Can I ask you a question?” James surveyed him over his beer bottle.

“Go for it.”

“Do you think on some level, you’re shaken by the revelation because it means that it changes your dynamic? I mean before, you were two friends living together. And you still are, but now that you know you’re two gay men living together, it might throw up other questions?”

“Questions about whether we’re a couple, you mean? Oh, there have been enough jokes over the years - I’m not sure it’ll make a difference.”

“No I meant...” James paused, “questions in your own mind. About whether there might be something more between you? You did admit that you used to fancy him, after all.”

“I did. And I gave up on it because he was straight.” Remus laughed. “See, I told you I was stupid.” James sniggered. “But no, I don’t think that’s an issue. I mean, that was years ago now. We were practically... children. I don’t see him that way anymore.”

“Fair enough,” James shrugged. “And I have another question.”

“Go for it.”

“You do know-”

James was interrupted by the shrill ring of Remus’s phone in his pocket. Remus fished it out and saw that it was a private number ringing, which he would usually have ignored. Today, something nagging at the back of his mind made him answer it.

“Hello?”

“Good afternoon, is this Mr Remus Lupin?”

“Yes, speaking.”

“Mr Lupin, my name is Emily - I’m a nurse at University Hospital of Wales. You’re the next of kin of a patient that has come into us... Sirius Black?”

Remus felt his world go slightly dark and woozy around the edges.

“Mr Lupin?”

“Sirius. Oh God, is he okay?”

“He has been injured, Mr Lupin, and he is in surgery as we speak.”

“Oh shit. Oh God. Right, I’m on my way. Thank you.”

James could obviously tell what was happening on the other end of the phone as he grabbed his car keys and put his jacket on.

“Sirius is hurt. He’s hurt, James.”

“Come on, let’s go,” James ushered him out of the house and into the car, in which they sped towards the hospital. After grappling with an unwieldy parking meter, they sprinted towards the reception desk. James came into his own as he calmly explained who they were looking for and the receptionist looked up where in the hospital to send them, agonisingly slowly, in Remus’s opinion.

They ended up in a surgical ward where James disappeared off to find a medical professional who could tell them more. And Remus, now alone, felt his eyes sting with tears. Sirius was hurt. He was hurt, and they weren’t speaking, and tears threatened to fall as he thought of all the worst case scenarios. He was brain damaged. He would die on the operating table. It was already too late and he would never know that Remus was sorry.

“Remus, this is Dr Ash.” James appeared with a blonde doctor with round glasses and kind eyes. “She can only speak to you as you’re his next of kin, apparently.”

“Oh.” Remus uttered uselessly.

“Mr Lupin, my name’s Alice. I’m an orthopedic surgeon. Sirius came into us today with a nasty shoulder dislocation sustained on the rugby field, I believe. Now normally, we can manipulate the arm in a procedure called a reduction until the joint goes back into its socket. This wasn’t possible here because he’s also done some significant damage to the tissue and ligaments in his shoulder. After speaking to Sirius, we agreed that the best course of action was an operation, both to realign the shoulder and to repair the tissue damage.”

Remus was slowly finding his breath which had abandoned him the moment he got the phone call. And somehow his legs still stood firm beneath him.

“The operation went well,” Alice continued. “Sirius is now in the high dependency ward but only as a precaution. Once he’s awake, we will move him back to this ward and you’ll be able to see him. A word of warning, though. He’s on an impressive cocktail of drugs so it’s unlikely he’ll make much sense for the first hour or so.”

“He-” Remus found his voice, finally. “He’s okay?”

“There is a minor risk of infection and he will need to stay in for a couple of nights. But yes, in time, I’d expect him to make a full recovery.”

Remus nodded, smiling weakly. “Thank you. Really, you have no idea. Thanks.” Alice nodded humbly then excused herself. James took one look at Remus and they both burst into hysterics, somewhere in the grey area between laughter and tears, collapsing onto the plastic-covered sofa in the friends and family waiting room.

“Fuck me, I thought... well I don’t know what I thought,” James laughed feebly. “Fucking prick had me worried.”

“God, I know. I don’t even know how we got here, I’m just in a complete trance.” Remus dabbed at his slightly damp eyes with his jumper sleeve.

“This was always going to happen, the way that psycho throws himself around the rugby pitch. Oh I’m so fucking relieved. Right, I’m going to ring Lily and Mum and Dad. They’ll want to come. Want me to get you a coffee on the way back?” James stood, wiping his eyes apologetically.

“That would be lovely, thanks James.”

Remus sat in the now empty waiting room and looked around. There were scary-looking medical leaflets in a rack on the wall on sepsis, deep vein thrombosis, cardiac arrest. He shuddered. He really did hate hospitals, since he had spent a considerable amount of his short life in wards like this one. The smell of acrid disinfectant brought it all back. But this would all be alright, he thought, finally. Everything would be fine and Sirius would heal. There was something incredibly strange about being the one sat in the waiting room and not in the hospital gown. Especially as it was Sirius who had been hurt. Sirius always seemed to be one of those semi-bionic people who never got ill or injured, but it turned out he was human too.

Remus had only his phone for entertainment as everything had happened too quickly, too dramatically for him to think about bringing a book. He familiarised himself with the day’s headlines, giddiness rising in his chest.

He was okay.

A nurse approached him after ten minutes or so. “Mr Lupin?” she asked.

“Yes, that’s me!” Remus gasped, jumping to his feet.

“Nothing to worry about, Mr Lupin. Sirius is awake and he’s asking for you. I’ll take you to see him.”

“Oh, right, okay. My friend has just popped out. Asian guy with glasses and lots of hair. If he comes back, will you let him know where I am please?”

“Of course,” she smiled kindly and led him down the long, disinfected corridor into a large ward full of people hooked up to bleeping machines. In the furthest corner was a familiar mop of black, curly hair and Remus couldn’t help but gasp slightly at seeing Sirius grey-skinned and delicate; a warren of tubes. “Sirius, love, I’ve got Remus here to see you.” She nodded at Remus and left them to it.

Remus sat on the seat beside the bed and twiddled his thumbs. He wasn’t sure how alert Sirius was going to be, so he decided to let him speak first.

“Re?” Sirius croaked, “Re, you’re here.”

“Course, I’m here, you silly twat. How are you feeling?”

“I fell down a fireman’s pole, I think. Hurts.”

“A fireman’s pole, eh?”

“I was being a hero.”

“Oh right, okay. Makes sense.”

“Mmhmm. But at least I saved the children from the...” he paused, as if trying to think of the word. “Big wave.”

“The big wave? Good job, that.” Remus beamed.

“Remusss.” Sirius sat up, flinching slightly. “Remus, you look funny.”

“Do I?”

“Mmhmm. Swirly,” he wriggled in his bed. “Does my bum look big in this?”

“The hospital gown? Your bum looks just fine, Sirius.”

“Remus likes my bum,” Sirius said, turning towards the old lady in the next bed and nodding wildly.

“Oh God. Sorry, ignore him.” Remus cringed, shaking his head apologetically.

“Remus,” and then, slipping into French, “Remusss. T’es si beau. Tu me tiens la main? Will you hold my hand please?” he asked quietly.

Something hitched in Remus’s stomach as he reached out and took Sirius’s hand, careful not to pull out anything important. “Mm, soft hands.” Sirius yawned. “Missed you.”

“Yeah,” Remus soothed, “yeah, I missed you too.” He ran his thumb over Sirius’s palm until he was asleep, and in a less distressing setting, it would have been... nice.

James poked his head around the door and passed Remus a latte, which he took gratefully.

“How’s our boy?” he asked.

“Well he thinks he fell down a fireman’s pole saving hoards of children from a big wave. Obviously.”

“Ah. Excellent. I hope you filmed him!” James grinned mischievously. “For use at a later date.”

“I did nothing of the sort, and you are a cruel, cruel man.”

“He’d do the same to me,” James laughed. Remus snorted and gently let go of Sirius’s hand which he placed at his side on the stark white sheet.

An hour later, Lily and Peter had arrived and the four of them were playing Uno at Sirius’s bedside. Sirius’s elderly neighbour had now been released and a new young woman had taken her bed, but she hadn’t yet woken up so didn’t present the best company. Sirius was still asleep and they were debating Peter’s chances with Hayley. Their “relationship” had yet to evolve from friendly platitudes but Peter was ever optimistic.

“Strong, I reckon, mate.” James opined. “You’ve got a beard now, after all, and I reckon you’ve been looking quite hunky of late.”

“What do you think, Remus?” asked Peter, looking fretfully at his friend.

“I think you stand a very good chance, Peter. You just need to have some confidence in yourself and I bet she’ll show an interest.”

“Okay, yeah. Confidence. Right, I can do that. I did see this hat, actually, which I thought would maybe make me look a bit more mysterious.”

“Even I can’t pull off a hat, Pete, so I’d come up with a plan B.” Sirius suddenly said feebly, wincing as he did. “Fuck me, that hurts.”

“He lives!” James exclaimed, far too loudly for the small ward they were in and earned a stern look from the duty nurse. “Feeling alright then?”

Sirius scrunched up his nose and groaned. “Sore as all hell. Ow, fuck. Yep. Ow.” He clutched at his shoulder, hissing in obvious distress. Remus leapt up and spoke to a nurse who indicated that it was time for him to have more painkillers. She came over and did something with Sirius’s drip. “Ah, see I always knew you’d be my favourite,” he winked. Remus swore he saw her neck flushing slightly as she rolled her eyes.

Moments later, Sirius’s eyes went all loopy again, and James got his phone out ready to film whatever hilarious musings were about to come out of his mouth. But this time, Sirius just smiled sleepily and took Remus’s hand again. Remus felt himself blushing and clocked James smirking to himself, slipping his phone back into his pocket.

Remus left the hospital at around nine-thirty, when his rumbling stomach threatened to digest itself. Sirius had fallen asleep again and James’s parents had taken over bedside duty. Remus was exhausted after an emotionally draining day. Seeing the usually untouchable Sirius Black looking so fragile had left him feeling shaken and uprooted. He let himself into the flat, shrugging off his coat and being greeted by Paddy like he had been gone a whole week. He quickly ordered himself a Chinese, then put Paddy’s lead on and slipped back out of the door. They walked around the block, more slowly and morosely than usual. Paddy seemed to sense that something was wrong - presumably because he had never gone a day without seeing Sirius since they met. But a walk was a walk, so they ambled around for half an hour and arrived back at the flat just in time to intercept the delivery of the food.

That night, as Remus lay in bed, Paddy curled at his feet, he thought about Sirius, who would shortly be alone again once visiting hours had ended. He wasn’t sure that he had ever slept in this flat without him: it felt incredibly strange, not having him on the other side of the door. He wondered whether he was awake - if so, he could send him a text, maybe.

Hey, how are you doing now? He wrote, pressing send while simultaneously wondering whether the text was a little bit brusque.

Sirius’s response was instant: Just threw up in front of Mrs Potter. Win. x

Remus smiled and replied straight away: Impressive effort. You’ll be back on your feet in no time. Looking forward to getting you home x

His phone vibrated again after a few seconds: Can’t wait. I’m falling asleep but I’ll see you tomorrow? x

Yes, I’ll be there first thing. Sleep tight, Sirius x

He felt a bit better having heard from him, and he felt his own eyes drooping as soon as he picked up his book to read. Within minutes, he was fast asleep.

The next day, he awoke to Paddy enthusiastically licking his face. “Morning, Pads,” he laughed. “Hungry?”

Paddy wagged his tail and ran to his food bowl, which Remus filled with a generous helping of biscuits.

An hour later, he was on the number 42 bus to the hospital. The Sunday bus timetable was a little patchy, but he would still be able to get there in time for the start of visiting hours. He grabbed himself a coffee and a croissant from the cafe near the entrance of the hospital, before walking down the familiar corridor to the ward. When he walked in, Sirius was sat shovelling his breakfast down with gusto. The pallor had gone and he looked altogether less peaky and more himself.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” Remus laughed, plonking himself down in the chair once more.

“Morning, Re. You look like shit.”

“Well somebody gave me a bit of a fright yesterday. Without meaning to sound dramatic, it’s been a slightly turbulent 24 hours,” Remus said. He glanced at Sirius, trying to gauge whether the two of them were properly on speaking terms now.

“Yeah, sorry about that.” Sirius smiled weakly. “On the plus side, though, I’m allowed to go home once I’ve had a shit. They have to check that all my pipes and that are working.”

“Of course. Can’t forget about the pipes.” Remus smiled. He drew in a deep breath “Look, I’m glad there’s nobody else here yet. I need to talk to you.”

Sirius looked at him for a moment from under long, dark eyelashes, “You don’t need to--”

“Please?” Remus asked, looking straight into Sirius’s now starkly lucid eyes. Sirius nodded his assent. “All I want to say is that I’m sorry. I’m really sorry I acted the way I did. When I came out to you, God, years ago, all you did was accept it.”

“Your sexuality is about the sixth most interesting thing about you,” Sirius grinned, shoving some bacon into his mouth.

“Well yeah, agreed. But I don’t think you know how wonderful it was to tell you; to get it out there and you respond like it was nothing,” Remus flushed. “It meant so much. And then, in spite of all that, and in spite of the fact that I should have been the person you knew would accept you for who you were, I went off on one. I was... God, I don’t know, I was so taken aback. And I was sad that you told James and not me. There was some weird jealousy bullshit in there somewhere. Point is, I made you feel like shit, and it’s so far from okay.”

“Re, it’s alright,” Sirius said quietly. He placed his knife and fork down and looked at him resolutely.

“No.” Remus shook his head. “It’s really not. And not talking to you for two weeks was just God awful. I hated every moment but I deserved it. And then I got that phone call.” He was shaking a little now. “And there was a good half an hour where I thought something awful had happened to you and I didn’t—.” He looked down at his shaky, bitten fingernails intently. “Look, you mean everything, alright? To me, I mean. I was surprised, yes. And a knob, obviously. But you needn’t feel that I don’t accept it or that you need to hide it any longer. And... I’m sorrier than my clumsy words can express.”

“Stop, come on,” Sirius urged after a beat of silence, eyes glinting. “We’re good. It’s fine. Besides, Paddy couldn’t cope if we carried on being angry at each other.”

“Oh God, he’s completely lost without you. Walked him last night and he barely even sniffed the bum of the lady dog at the corner shop!”

“Delilah!? Oh, but he loves Delilah!” Sirius exclaimed, sitting up in bed too quickly, then gasping with pain. “Right, I’m never playing rugby again.”

“Well that’s bollocks,” Remus smiled. “Maybe a little break, though, yes?”

Sirius nodded glumly. “I finished Primo Levi. And I didn’t get to talk to you about it because I was ragey.”

“You did? What did you think?”

“I didn’t really know what to do with myself afterwards. Like, everything felt trivial and ridiculous. It was very, very good.”

“And utterly heartbreaking.” Remus agreed. “I think perhaps it’s the best thing I’ve read. There are so many things I want you to read next.”

Sirius gestured at his crap arm. “Something tells me I’ll have some time on my hands.”

James came into the room. “Alright, lads?” He sauntered to the bedside, clutching a large, hard-back book. “Bought you a present, Sirius, to help in your recovery.” He handed over the book which Sirius turned around in his hands, reading the title aloud.

“How to be a Woman. Caitlin Moran. Err, thank you?”

“Changed my whole view on the world, mate. You’re welcome. No reading it in church though because it will make you laugh out loud, uncontrollably.”

“That’ll be difficult, what with all the church reading I’ve been getting up to of late. Hopefully, I’ll cope, though. Thank you, James.” His wry smile turned pensive and then suddenly, excited. “Think this is the pipes calling, excuse me, gents.” He winked at Remus and prised himself out of the bed to the nearby toilet.

James made a questioning face at Remus. “He’s allowed to go home once he’s pooed,” Remus laughed. “Think this might be his moment.”

All of two minutes later, he reemerged triumphantly. “Jenny!” He boomed, walking gingerly over to the nurses’ station. “Jenny, exciting news! I’ve just done a nice big poo.”

“Oh, Sirius, you do know how to excite an old woman,” the kindly nurse at the station with the strong Welsh accent smiled at him.

“Send me home, Jenny!” He grinned devilishly, “Send me home.”

“Right, well I’ll need to get your discharge papers sorted. And there’s a whole host of drugs that I need to sort out for you. And I’ll need to check your vitals once more. But otherwise, you’re good to go. It’ll be about half an hour, pet.”

“Aha, home!” he said, to nobody in particular. “Re, I can go home in a bit.” He trotted back over to the bed, beginning, at last, to look more like his old self.

“Great,” Remus grinned. “That’s brilliant.”

Jenny reemerged some time later and began giving Sirius a lengthy briefing about what he could and could not do in the following days. She asked if there was somebody around who would be able to help him dress, wash, and cut his food. He glanced up at Remus, guiltily, who assured the nurse he would be around to help as much as he needed. She told them the signs to look out for that would indicate infection, such as a temperature or swelling at the operation site. She explained what each of the pills did and how often he needed to take them.

And then they were off! Sirius sat in the front seat of James’s car and insisted on rolling the window down, even though it was freezing outside. He wanted to feel the wind in his hair, he said, which Remus thought was mildly dramatic given that he had been in hospital for just one night.

They invited James in, but he said he’d had enough of them and that his darling future wife would want to hear the good news about Sirius’s bowel movement and subsequent release. They bundled into the house and Remus went straight to put the heating on as high as possible, while Paddy fussed around his one true love who grinned as he licked his face, his tail wagging insanely.

“Oh, I know, Paddy, I know. Your dad’s been in the wars!” Sirius cooed, scritching him behind his ears. “Nice to be back,” he smiled softly at Remus and plonked himself down on the sofa, turning the TV on. Remus instinctively put the kettle on, made Sirius a strong black coffee and himself a small pot of tea. He pulled up a tiny table for Sirius to have beside him for all his coffee-based needs for the foreseeable future, and popped the coffee on a coaster. He put the back of his hand to Sirius’s forehead to check whether he was hot, then settled down beside him, pulling a blanket over both of them.

“How often are you going to do that?” Sirius smirked.

“Check your temperature? At least once an hour, and you’re going to let me,” Remus chided, and Sirius nodded to indicate that yes, he probably would let him.

“I’m just surprised you don’t have a thermometer somewhere in that medicine cabinet of yours,” Sirius teased.

“Oh, I do actually! Good point, I’ll grab it for next time.” Sirius looked at him incredulously, like he couldn’t believe he was real. “Drink your coffee, Sirius,” Remus grinned, picking up his hefty tome of a book and snuggling under the blanket. “What shall we watch, then?”

“Big Lebowski.”

“Sirius, we can’t always watch The Big Lebowski.”

“I’m on my deathbed, Remus. If you don’t let me watch it now, you have no soul.”

“Fine, fine. But I’m choosing the next one.”

Predictably, they both drifted off about ten minutes into the film. Remus stirred with only half an hour left and his stomach rumbled. He extracted himself from the sofa and made them both a bowl of pasta. Sirius shuffled into the kitchen, cocooned in the blanket, as he was dishing up. His eyes lit up as he saw the bowl of cheesy goodness before him. “You’re the best,” he enthused as he carried his bowl one-handed to the table.

“I figured you wouldn’t need to cut it up,” Remus smiled, pulling up a seat and tucking into his own bowl. “So is it too early for me to start asking you about your love life, in light of the events of the past couple of weeks?”

“Don’t have one,” Sirius mumbled through a mouthful of pasta.

“Okay, fine. Will you get funny with me if I start asking you questions about your secret gay past, then?” Remus surveyed his friend, twirling spaghetti around his fork.

“Shoot.” Sirius waggled his eyebrows, all awkwardness now resigned to the past.

“So you... when did you know?”

“School. I went to a mixed boarding school, so there were plenty of opportunities to fool around with... well whoever you wanted really. So I convinced myself that who I should want was this girl Becky. You know the deal, she was blonde and preppy with these perky little boobs. We used to snog behind the Science block and I’d slip my hand into her bra and she seemed to enjoy it but I wondered what I was missing the whole time, you know?”

“Then in year 11, this guy transferred in. And I kid you not, he was the most beautiful boy I’d ever seen. Christopher, his name was. Barbadian. Huge. He had this accent that made me melt, and forearms so attractive they should be illegal. He’d obviously seen me looking or something because one day in the showers, he just cornered me. I was there stark-bollock naked, soap everywhere. So was he, come to think of it. And he just came up to me, placed one hand on my chest, looked me dead in the eye and took my dick in his hand. It was hot as fuck and I practically came on the spot. We kept up those shower fumbles until we left school.”

“Wow, lucky Christopher.”

“Lucky me, more like. Honestly, he was a demi-god, Remus. Astonishing. We never went the whole hog, but came close enough, enthusiastically and often.”

“And what happened to poor Becky?”

“Called it off as soon as I realised that I could burn with desire for someone.”

“That might have been the chlamydia.”

“Oh ha ha. Very good. You know what I mean, though. When you want someone so much it hurts and you’re all over-wired and twitchy. She’s married now, actually.”

“Becky?”

“Mmhmm, think she got weirdly Christian or joined a cult or something. Either way, I don’t think she was too heartbroken for too long.” Sirius forked a huge helping of pasta into his mouth. “What about you then? Who was your great gay epiphany?”

Remus shifted slightly to get comfortable. “English Teacher. Mr Rogers. Absolute dream.”

“Ah, classic.”

“He was straight. And nine years older than me. I adored him. Honestly, I still don’t know to this day whether I’m genuinely good at English or if I just wanted his approval.”

Sirius’s shoulders bobbed up and down with silent laughter as he eyed Remus incredulously. “So this Mr Rogers made you realise that the ladies weren’t for you?”

“Yes. I was sixteen, so it came pretty late, really. All of sixth form was just this perpetual teacher-student fantasy wet dream cliché.”

Sirius’s laughter went to the next level. “So nobody more eligible at school then?” he asked, once he had recovered.

“I didn’t know any gay people at all, I don’t think. It never really occurred to me that they would live among us in normal walks of life. So I did the unthinkable. One night, I snuck out of the house, got a bus into Lancaster because I’d heard there was this gay bar. This was before Google Maps and I had to print out directions.”

“Oh God, that’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Remus felt his cheeks burning. He took a deep breath and carried on. “Eventually, I found it. And the guy on the door probably pitied me because he didn’t ask for ID or anything. I had no idea what to do with myself once I got inside, so I ordered a bottle of beer and perched on this little stool at the bar. I was so convinced that everyone’s eyes were on me and that they just knew I had no clue what I was doing. I was wearing a cardigan, for God’s sake! So I sank the beer and headed out.”

“Tragic,” Sirius lamented. “Truly tragic.”

“Right?” Remus chuckled. “Turns out it wasn’t a wasted trip, though. On my way out the door, I got commandeered by this beardy northern bloke in plaid who started chatting me up.”

“True love, then was it?”

“It was great. We spoke for five minutes then he gave me a pity handjob in an alley and it was all finished in time for me to get the early bus. My parents didn’t even know I was gone. Little did they know I had gone through this incredible rite of passage and transitioned into the man you see before you now.”

Sirius’s eyes were slightly wild with laughter and fondness. “That’s your best story. You can stop trying now, because you’re never going to top that,” he said matter-of-factly and slapped his hand on the table. He looked at Remus for a beat. “So. Now the jig is up. Do you think I should tell people?”

“As you say, it’s nobody’s business. Entirely up to you. It’s a very personal choice, I think.”

“You and James know. That’s all that really matters, I suppose. I’ll tell Lily, though, so may as well tell the rest too?”

Remus shrugged, gathered up their plates and dumped them in the sink. “Want to try again at Big Lebowski?”

Sirius nodded enthusiastically and they resumed their place on the sofa. This time, Sirius stretched out and rested his feet in Remus’s lap, claiming that he needed the firmer support of the arm of the chair to help his shoulder. Remus rolled his eyes but didn’t grumble. Didn’t even feel like grumbling, truth be told.

“Re?”

“Mm?”

“Am I getting a beer belly?” Sirius asked earnestly, pulling his Stone Roses t-shirt up slightly and poking at the area just below his belly button, showing a dusting of dark hair leading down to his waistband.

Remus looked away quickly. “Sirius, your stomach is literally flat,” he snorted, kneeing gently at Sirius’s foot.

“That’s a no, then?”

“A firm no, just like those crazy abs you’ve got hiding under there.”

“Oh, stop, you old flirt.” Sirius winked, and now it felt like the old them again, Remus thought.

He stood up to get his thermometer.

—

The next morning, Remus awoke to pathetic little shouts from the bathroom. He glanced at Paddy who was only just stirring and smiled, heaving himself out of bed and towards the bathroom. He found there a sorry sight - Sirius with his t-shirt heaved half way up his abdomen and over his head, looking distinctly stuck.

“Re? That you?” he asked, muffled by the fabric of the t-shirt.

“No, it’s Paddy, come to stage a dramatic rescue.”

“Right, you sarcastic bastard - going to help me or not?”

Remus stepped forward and began to gently lift the t-shirt off but Sirius yelped in pain. Remus tried another angle but this again was greeted by a cry of pain. “Sirius, I need you not to freak out. I think we might have to cut it off.”

“No. It’s my Stone Roses t-shirt, Re. I’d rather lose the arm, I reckon.” Sirius deadpanned from under the t-shirt.

“I’m getting the scissors,” Remus laughed, returning seconds later with some veritable shears. “Right, I’m going to need you to stay still. Bit of a challenge for you, I know, but I firmly believe you can muster the attention span, yes?”

“Yes,” Sirius harrumphed.

Remus slowly began to cut fabric away, until he got to the band of fabric that usually would constitute the collar, but right now was about an inch above Sirius’s head. The top fell away and Remus was somehow unprepared for the intensity of the eyes underneath it, pupils constricting in response to the sudden light and looking straight at him. Sirius blinked slowly, his long eyelashes fluttering as his eyes closed and reopened. A faint red colour travelled up from his neck, gradually reaching his cheeks. “Think I’d better buy some shirts,” he said after a moment, voice a little croaky.

“We can’t go shopping, you’re meant to be resting,” Remus laughed, stepping away slightly, and looking at the floor resolutely.

“But I don’t have any shirts! Can I borrow some of yours?”

“They would be a bit tight on you, I think.”

“Tight is fine. I think I can rock it.”

“Yeah, I think you probably can too,” Remus smiled coyly as he stepped out of the room and left Sirius to his shower.

When Sirius emerged, he barged into Remus’s room wearing a towel around his waist and a smaller one wrapped around his hair. His tanned skin stood out against the stark white fabric and his battle scars from his operation were laid bare. Remus lifted himself off the bed and raised his hand to tentatively touch his shoulder near the incision sites. The skin wasn’t hot. And the inflammation was minimal. But he worried that Sirius probably wouldn’t even notice if it got infected, or would think that he could treat it himself.

“It’s fine, Re.” Sirius said softly. “It’s healing, I think.”

“Does it hurt?” Remus asked, retracting his hand and letting it fall awkwardly to his side. They were a little too close and he took a clumsy step back.

“A bit,” Sirius nodded. “But not as much, now.”

“Okay,” Remus nodded. “Okay.”

“Can I borrow a shirt then, please?” Sirius looked up at him with an amused look on his face. And Remus, looking at him, could see, once more, why Sirius was such a hit with the opposite sex; his eyes really were quite remarkable. They were large and lined with long, dark eyelashes. The shade of grey they were was deep and moody and complex like the Welsh sea. When he was angry, they took on a terrifying, cold edge which Remus had only been on the receiving end of once or twice. And he didn’t know if he was imagining it, but sometimes he thought Sirius’s eyes looked different when he was looking at him: softer, warmer. They were the sort of eyes that a man could sign his life away to, he thought, fleetingly.

“Remus?” Sirius asked after a moment.

“Sorry?” He cleared his throat. “Sorry, yeah, sure. Help yourself.” He gestured to his wardrobe which Sirius started rifling through, eventually selecting a long sleeved, plaid shirt which Remus helped him to put on. The shirt was, as predicted, much tighter fitting than it was when Remus wore it, but Sirius declared it the perfect fit. Tart.

Remus made them both a ham sandwich; Sirius’s with an unorthodox seasoning of Jamaican hot pepper sauce, just as he liked it.

“What shall we do today, then?” Sirius asked as he tucked in and made appreciative little noises.

“You need to rest,” Remus said flatly, taking a bite of his own, less remarkable sandwich.

“I’ve rested,” Sirius whinged. “Remus, I need to go outside or I’m going to lose my tiny little mind.”

“I promised Jenny I’d look after you. You wouldn’t want me to let Jenny down, would you?”

“You could never let Jenny down, Remus. You’ve done an excellent job of taking care of me in my infirm state. But the thing is, you see, I am an outdoor sort of fellow, who needs to leave the house at least three times a day to retain his sanity.”

“Right, I’ll tell you what,” Remus said dryly. “I need to walk Paddy, and there are some bits and bobs I need to do for uni. Which will take a million times longer because my laptop has died a slow and painful death. Then if you’re good, I’ll take you to the pub.”

“Pub, pub, pub!” Sirius enthused from across the table.

“You can rally the troops, I’ve got shit to do.” Remus’s mouth quirked up at the corner, even though he was trying for stern. He’d never been that great at stern, in truth, particularly when it came to Sirius Black.

--

Lily and Marlene were sitting at their table, deep in conversation when Remus and Sirius arrived at the Coven that evening. James and Peter were playing darts, and Peter was on the verge of a convincing victory. Remus carried both of their pints from the bar to their table as Sirius continued to enthuse about the stirfry Remus had thrown together before they left the house. He was the best cook ever, apparently. Which was nice.

“Oh my goodness, look at you in your shirt,” Marlene laughed.

“My shirt, actually,” Remus corrected, placing the drinks down on the table.

Marlene gestured at Sirius’s shoulder. Remus had bandaged his arm into a sling to make sure he kept it elevated, and Sirius had joked about having his very own live-in matron, which had earned him a scowl. “How’s it feeling?” she asked.

“Thank you for asking, Marlene. I’m being very brave.” He nodded solemnly and sat himself down. Marlene looked up to Remus for affirmation, her face dripping with cynicism.

“He’s done okay, actually,” he confirmed. “Limited whingeing. Perfectly compliant. Showered independently, which was a bit of a relief.” He took the seat next to Sirius and watched as Peter missed two opportunities to finish on double tops. James finished the game on a double two and they both came back to the table, taking their seats.

Sirius looked a little morose. And Remus nudged him with his foot to check if he was okay. He nodded, winked, and cleared his throat. “Right,” he announced. “I would like to quietly tell you all about something quite important.” He looked straight at Remus who smiled, what he hoped was encouragingly. “I’ve known you guys for a long time. And you are my family. My proper family, not the mental Nazi one whose blood runs in my veins. As such, it’s only right that I don’t keep things secret from you, isn’t it? And one area of my life that has been... well not secret, but I’ve not exactly been up front about it, is my preferences. You know, sex-wise.”

“Is this where we find out that you’re one of those blokes that likes to dress up like a baby and crap their nappy?” Peter asked.

“No, Pete. No, that’s one hundred percent not what this is. And it’s not that I purposely concealed anything from you, I just didn’t ever really feel the need to shout about it.” He looked sheepishly at Remus and took a deep breath. “But recently it’s come to my attention that I probably hadn’t been taking the best approach there. And really, fundamentally, what it comes down to is that I just want to live my best, queerest life with you losers.”

Marlene gasped. Lily grinned. Peter’s mouth hung slightly open.

“I am gay.” He said, smiling slightly at their reaction. “I’m gay, have always been gay, will be gay until I die, hopefully from a heart attack sustained doing very gay things.” He stood up, expression completely normal. “Now, I am going to go for a piss. You have two minutes to get your shit together, then I will field two questions from each of you. But that’s it. Six questions total and then we will get on with our evening.”

On his return, Peter was looking puzzled. “Why only six questions?” he asked. “Surely there should be ten questions if we’re allowed two each?”

“Pete, these two obviously already knew!” Lily explained, gesturing at Remus and James with her eyes. “Right, I’ve got mine,” she said. “Shall I start?”

Sirius nodded. “Go for it.”

“Are you seeing anyone?”

“No.”

“Have you ever... you know, had a boyfriend?”

“Not really, no. I’ve dated a bit but nothing stuck. Nobody special.” He looked at Remus again for a beat. “Marls, your go.”

“Have you had sex?”

“No, I am actually living a life of celibacy. Thinking of joining the priesthood, incidentally.”

“Hahahaha, okay, fair dig. I take that as an emphatic yes, then.”

“It’s an emphatic yes.” His eyes glinted. “I’ve had a fairly good innings, actually. Over the years.”

“Celebrity crush?” she asked.

“Kris Letang. Love of my life.” He said instantly. “Hockey player,” he responded to their confused looks. “Your turn, Pete.”

“That time in second year when you told me that Josh Salter was in your room because he was looking at your record collection?”

“Shagging.” Sirius affirmed. “Lots of shagging.”

“Fucking hell. I knew something fishy was going on. Your record collection was in the lounge!” Peter laughed. “Top or bottom?”

“Peter!” Remus turned on his friend. “Do you have any idea how reductive that question is? It’s the modern day equivalent of asking which one the woman is. Lots of men like both. Plenty don’t like either. Not everyone is a bear or a twink, either, while we’re at it.”

“Sorry.” Peter looked sheepish and Sirius huffed out a laugh.

“In your defence, I didn’t say the question had to be tasteful. And Remus is right. I enjoy both.” Sirius took a big gulp of his pint and slammed his pint down on the table a little louder than necessary. “Right. Question time over. Unless either of you want to ask me anything?” He glanced to James who shook his head, then back at Remus who shrugged.

“I’ve kind of got the basics down,” he smiled.

“Right then. Good. I just have one question for you all then. Did you really not suspect?” Sirius asked, scanning the group with his eyes.

“I legitimately had no fucking clue,” Marlene confessed.

“I think I knew,” Lily said quickly. “Every time we mentioned girls, you changed the subject. And I thought-” she glanced at Remus and trailed off, blushing furiously. “Well, I- I’m just not all that surprised,” she corrected. And if Sirius noticed her stammer, he was too polite to mention it.

“I sort of thought you were asexual or something,” Peter said. “You just never seemed interested in anyone so I thought maybe you weren’t into sex at all.”

Sirius looked across at Remus and raised an eyebrow, inviting him to speak.

“Well, you know it came as a surprise to me,” he shrugged. “But I’ve been thinking back to certain... hints you dropped over the years. Or guys who came over who were definitely interested in more than your collection of Playstation games. Or the fact that you fangirled all over those hockey guys.”

Sirius snorted.

“And really, now I think about it, it makes perfect sense. Of course you’re fucking gay.”

“I know what you mean,” Peter nodded. “Everything fits now.”

“Thanks gang. Knew you’d be chill about this. Unlike Negative Nellie over here.” He flicked Remus on the arm.

Remus groaned and buried his face in his folded arms on the table. “Do we need to do this again?”

“Not just now,” Sirius laughed, “but you’re not off scot free yet.”

Remus groaned again into his folded arms and felt Sirius pat him on the head with his good arm, not unlike he would with Paddy. “That’ll do, Pig,” Sirius snorted. “That’ll do.”

--

Remus shuffled down the row of plastic seats, awkwardly trying not to touch any of the people who had stood to let them by. The Arena was filling slowly and Sirius and James had bought every snack they could think of from the confectionary stand. Remus reached their seats and took the furthest vacant one, next to a group of guys about their age. He sat down and felt a frisson of excitement run through his body. He loved ice hockey: loved the atmosphere and the tension and the massive fights. It had been one of the best discoveries about his university experience. When Sirius had first dragged him, he assumed that he would hate it. But like with many of the things Sirius encouraged him to do that lay firmly outside his comfort zone, he had been pleasantly surprised.

James sat down beside him, followed by Lily, Marlene, Peter, and Sirius on the other end.

“Hey, do you want a Skittle?” The bloke sat beside him turned his way, holding out a packet of Skittles and smiling. He wore a backwards Pittsburgh Penguins cap, from under which his fair hair poked out at different angles. He spoke with an American twang and had a face that could only be described as... pretty.

Remus smiled back. “Thanks.”

The guy raised an eyebrow. “You took at least two there. Now, usually I’m very strict with my skittle rations, but I’ll let you off because you’re new around here and you don’t know the rules.”

“That’s what you say to all the boys.” Remus found himself grinning at the total stranger beside him.

“Only the cute ones who like ice hockey.” Remus felt a surge of excitement. “I’m Nolan.” The guy held out a hand.

“Remus.” He shook his hand and made a shushing gesture as the lights dimmed, eyes gleaming and body thrumming with anticipation.

They chatted during every break in play, and all through the intervals. Cardiff won, but Remus barely noticed as he, and James at various intervals, quickly got to know Nolan and his friends: they were workmates on a night out to celebrate the launch of an app that had been in development for over two years. And when the hockey ended, Nolan suggested that they all go for a drink at a nearby bar. James leapt at the idea and Remus strongly suspected that he was taking it upon himself to serve as his wing man.

--

Two hours later, Remus and Nolan had gone outside for a “cigarette”. In layman’s terms, that meant that they were on each other as soon as the cool air hit. Nolan kissed like he spoke; self assured and deep, and Remus was truly enjoying himself, pressed up against the wall in the smoking area. This was nice. This was great. And the little noises Nolan made as he licked into Remus’s mouth were enough to make him think of nothing else.

“Sirius, I think there’s a different smoking area out the other side.” Remus heard James hiss, as the door from the pub slammed. And then Sirius was there. Of course Sirius was there. And James. And Remus pulled away from Nolan apologetically, turning to face his friends.

“Hi guys.”

“Hi,” James grinned, looking a tad embarrassed.

“Hi,” Sirius echoed. He stood with his hands in his pockets, raising an eyebrow at Remus.

“Hi,” Remus said again.

Sirius lit his cigarette and he and James started talking about ice hockey. Nolan quickly joined in and Remus figured he would go back inside and leave them to it. He was beginning to freeze his balls off, anyway. He went and sat with the rest of their newly expanded group, to the left of Marlene and Lily. They were mid-way through an animated conversation about the brilliance of Kelis. Remus sat and let it wash over him (though he obviously agreed with the overarching principles of the conversation).

Sirius came back to the table and placed a fresh beer in front of Remus before taking the seat beside him.

“Thank you.” Remus took a sip as Nolan and James returned. Sirius sat so close to him that their shoulders brushed and he could smell his posh shampoo.

“Mr Black? Would you come and help me at the bar a second please? It will take but a moment of your time.” James made a face that only Sirius and Remus could see, which made it clear that this was not so much a suggestion as an instruction. Sirius glanced at Remus, exhaled through his nose and went to James. James whispered something tersely in his ear and they both looked over at Remus at the same time. Sirius’s face was thunderous. He looked back at James and shrugged, whispering something back in James’s ear. A quickfire whispered debate ensued. A moment later, they ambled back over to the table.

“Nolan,” Sirius smiled a bright smile that didn’t meet his eyes. “Would you like this seat?” He nodded towards the spot beside Remus that he had vacated a few moments before. “I’ll get you a beer. Same again?”

Nolan’s surprised expression was swiftly replaced by a cautious smile. “Thanks Sirius, that’d be great. I’ll get the next round.” He sat down and then his hand was on Remus’s knee, eliciting an excited exchange of smiles from Lily and Marlene. Sirius came back with the beer from Nolan and plonked it down a little unceremoniously in front of him before moodily dragging James back outside to the smoking area.

--

Sirius’s shoulder was beginning to heal so he had started picking up a couple of shifts at the pub again. Tonight, he and Remus were on together for the first time since... the incident. Several of the regulars were all over Sirius, asking him about his injury and hospitalisation, and he was glad to regale his story, with the necessary dramatic embellishments of course.

Remus genuinely enjoyed his shift. The two of them moved seamlessly behind the bar, and the music on the jukebox had been great all night. The evening flew by and they were left alone to clear down. Sirius hijacked the jukebox and played brilliant tune after brilliant tune: Rebel Rebel, Wuthering Heights, Jenny was a friend of mine, The boys are back in town, and Apply some pressure. They found themselves washing glasses, wiping tables with disinfectant, sweeping the floor, with absurd grins on their faces, dancing as they went.

By the time Dancing in the dark came on, Remus’s mouth hurt from smiling so much. He swept in time to the music, shaking his bum haphazardly, and he could sense a pair of eyes fixed on him. He met Sirius’s eye and grinned. Sirius met his smile with a dazzling one of his own and soon he was right before him, taking the broom out of his hands and letting it fall noisily to the floor.

He grasped both of Remus’s hands and started jiggling around in time to the music. He looked absolutely ridiculous and the look on his face was pure silliness and glee.

They say you gotta stay hungry, hey baby, I'm just about starving tonight.

Sirius twirled Remus around, earning himself a top class eye roll.

I'm dyin' for some action, I'm sick of sittin' 'round here tryin' to write this book. I need a love reaction, come on now, baby, gimme just one look.

Remus decided if he couldn’t beat Sirius, he had to join him, so he threw himself into the dance, (which was more than a little reminiscent of how children dance at school discos) with gusto.

You can't start a fire, sitting 'round crying over a broken heart. This gun's for hire, even if we're just dancing in the dark.

Sirius moved his right hand to Remus’s waist and held Remus’s right hand with his left, steering him around the room like they didn’t have a care in the world.

You can't start a fire, worrying about your little world falling apart. This gun's for hire, even if we're just dancing in the dark.

Sirius stilled and just looked at him through clear, smiley eyes, hand still a solid weight against his hip.

Even if we’re just dancing in the dark.

Remus swallowed, feeling suddenly like his tummy was full of boulders that wouldn't stay still.

Even if we’re just dancing in the dark.

Sirius cleared his throat, quirked an eyebrow at him, stooped to pick up his broom, and handed it to him. He walked over to the till to start cashing up.

Even if we’re just dancing in the dark.

The pub was quiet now, leaving Remus to his muddled thoughts and sore cheeks.

Around fifteen minutes later, they had both finished their list of jobs and they grabbed their stuff, ready to leave and go to bed.

Sirius’s phone rang in his pocket just as he was locking up. He slid the keys back into his pocket and whipped his phone out, answering straight away when he saw who was calling.

“Jimmy, sup?” He lit a cigarette.

Remus thought he heard Lily’s voice on the other end of the phone and his stomach lurched. Sirius’s face drained of all colour and he stopped in his tracks. Remus stopped with him and tried to gauge what was happening by the ever changing expressions on Sirius’s face.

“Do they... know how?” Sirius asked eventually. His voice sounded small and empty. “Okay,” he nodded. “Thanks, Lils. Take care of him for me?” There was a murmur on the other end of the line and he hung up.

Sirius started walking again so Remus followed suit. “James’s Dad has died,” he said eventually. He stared resolutely at the ground as they walked. “Heart attack. There was nothing they could do.”

Chapter 7: March

A week after news had broken of James’s father’s untimely demise, things at home were a little weird. Remus was doing his best to take care of Sirius but he was unnervingly... fine. He went over to Lily and James’s on a daily basis to help with funeral logistics and check on James to make sure he was holding up. Sometimes Remus went too, but everything was stilted and odd. James was outwardly sad and grieving; Lily, too. Sirius was upbeat and hyperactive and jarring, and Remus didn’t know what to do with him.

On the eve of the funeral, Remus made them a curry. He served up steaming bowls of chicken balti with sticky rice and Sirius tucked in while they sat in silence. Remus wanted desperately to speak with him properly about how he was feeling, but Sirius’s demeanor welcomed no questions.

Paddy fussed around them, begging for scraps. Sirius just looked at his bowl as he shovelled forkfulls into his mouth.

Remus went to bed that night feeling listless. He tossed and turned all night and felt like the wall that divided them meant that they were miles apart and he had zero insight into Sirius’s mindset. His sleep was fitful and full of disconcerting dreams.

--

The gang met outside the picturesque little church in Hampshire, all of them clad in formal black clothing and looking more than a little out of their comfort zone. Sirius wore a full suit, beautifully cut and expensive, with a straight black tie. He had even got a haircut for the occasion and his hair now fell just below his ears. James turned up in black chinos and a shirt so white the sun glared off it; clearly out of the packet that morning, and a dark grey cardigan and tie. Marlene wore a tuxedo and Lily a dark dress. Peter had turned up in grey head to foot and Remus had found a nice black jumper in the bottom of his drawer which he paired with dark trousers and a blazer. Altogether, they comprised a respectable group of mourners.

James spotted his mum and walked over to embrace her. She looked up at him with watery eyes and clutched on to her son. Sirius went over, too and kissed her on the cheek, putting his arm around her in a considered way that made Remus’s eyes water.

He sat with the girls and Peter in the church. James and Sirius were pallbearers, and as they walked down the aisle, Remus felt desperately, hopelessly sad. He had known Mr Potter: not well, but the Potters had included him in their dinner invitation every time they came up to visit and Remus knew that they had embraced him as one of their own.

The coffin lay at the front of the church as the vicar took her spot at the pulpit.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. By his great mercy we have been born anew to a living hope, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.”

“Amen,” the packed congregation chanted.

“Out of the depths I cry to you: Lord, hear my voice. Lord, have mercy.”

“Lord have mercy,” Remus chanted, along with all the others in the church.

He had never been great in a church setting. Firstly, he was really quite gay, and that wasn’t always kosher in this sort of environment. Secondly, his parents were staunch atheists who had always discouraged spiritualism of any kind, especially when it came to organised religion. Nonetheless, he respected the sanctity of a funeral and he had not burned up on entry, so that was something.

“Sirius Black is now going to do a reading for us,” the vicar announced. “Are you ready, Sirius?”

Sirius got up and reached the lectern, clutching a laminated piece of paper. Seeing him look so smart and sombre made Remus well up a bit. But that was nothing compared to the very real tears that filled his eyes as he started to read.

“Nothing gold can stay, by Robert Frost,” Sirius began.

His voice shook a little to begin with.

“Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.”

He nodded at the congregation then stepped down from his post, resuming his seat by James.

They sang a hymn: Lord of all Hopefulness, then the vicar launched into her quite touching
Sermon, which reflected on a life well lived. There were more prayers, more words of
thanksgiving, another hymn, and then they were dismissed. Remus, with the others, filed out
and followed the throngs of mourners who spilled out of the church and into the churchyard.

“It was a nice service,” Marlene nodded gravely. “He was a hell of a man; look how many people
there are here!”

Remus looked around to see if he could spot Sirius among those many people, but he had disappeared. He walked back into the church to see if he had hung back, and his hunch proved correct as he saw the back of his head. He was sat in the front row, staring ahead. Remus didn’t want to disturb him so he stood in the aisle and waited. A few minutes later, Sirius let out a huge, lingering sigh and stood up, turning and seeing Remus waiting there for him. He smiled softly, walked down to meet him and accepted the hug that awaited him, weaving his hands around Remus’s waist and squeezing him gently.

“Okay?” Remus asked.

“Okay.” Sirius nodded and let him go. They exited the church together and headed over the road to the church hall where a bar had been set up and throngs of middle aged, middle class folk stood in groups, chatting and reminiscing about the man they had come to send off.

Sirius grabbed them both a drink and they found the gang. Remus gave a watery-eyed James a little hug and they spent a few minutes engaged in over-polite small talk before James finally cracked.

“You know what, no. This isn’t right! We don’t talk about canapés and the weather. And today should be no exception. Let’s go back to normal topics of conversation, please. Someone say something about fannies... or farts!”

Lily looked at him with a love that Remus couldn’t even imagine. She took a big sip of beer and loudly proclaimed: “I needed to fart all through the service; it was torture. I think people thought that my scrunched up face was me trying not to cry, but I was actually dealing with the unbearable pain of about a gallon of trapped wind. I knew we shouldn’t have had beans for breakfast.”

James grinned at her. “Me too, babe. Me too.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Remus clocked a stone-faced Sirius necking his beer and getting another. Remus couldn’t help but feel like with each beer, he was drilling a hole in his flood defences, getting ready for the eventuality of the dam bursting. He just hoped that the defences would hold long enough to get him home and out of earshot first.

“Are we going to do the quiz this week?” Marlene asked. “Word on the street is that the literature round might even feature a woman this time ‘round.”

Everyone nodded to indicate that they were in. Remus needed the light relief after a week spent on tiptoes around Sirius Cheery Black. Hopefully, they could restore some sense of normality once the funeral was over with. And it was nearly his birthday, so that was nice. He and Nolan were now seeing each other a few times a week and Remus was loving getting to know him properly. So far, they had kissed a lot, in parks and alleyways but Remus hadn’t been brave enough to invite him back to the flat in case Sirius needed to vent or he needed him around. This week, though, Remus had plans for that to change, and his birthday seemed like the perfect opportunity to test the water. Besides, he was ready for more than just kissing now, and he was more than a little sexually frustrated after months going without.

“So Marlene, how are things going with Dorcas?” James asked. “You can’t bite my head off because it’s my Dad’s funeral. Aha! Got you!”

Marlene rolled her eyes but she was smiling. “Dude, I’m so fucking in love with her.”

Everyone whooped, earning scowls and murmurs from some of the mourners.

“She is my girlfriend. And I love her. And she has a fantastic pair of thighs that could crush a man’s head. There, I said it! And if you’re all well behaved, I’ll invite her to the quiz, how about that?”

Marlene’s proclamation elicited much excitement from the group, except for Sirius who was now making short work of his third beer. Remus’s sense of unease began to grow.

“Do you think we’re allowed seconds of the canapés?” Peter asked after a moment of quiet.

Sirius looked at him with a spiteful expression on his face. “No. And you can leave if you’ve just come here to stuff your face. In fact, nobody even knows why you’re here at all, Pete. Fuck me, you didn’t even know the guy. Why do you think we want you here? Nobody wants you here.”

Peter looked like he might cry as Lily instantly turned to him and assured him that wasn’t the case and that he was as welcome as anyone else, and he had met him a few times, hadn’t he?

Remus was on Sirius like a shot and led him forcefully outside by the arm in a way that made it clear his cooperation was not open to discussion. He rounded on him once they were out of earshot. “Sirius, that was not okay.”

Sirius looked at him for a moment, as if deciding where to position himself on this. “No, you know what? Fuck this. Half those people in there didn’t even know him, and they treat it like a fucking networking event. It’s insulting.”

Remus sat down on the tarmac and Sirius followed suit.

“I didn’t know him all that well. Are you angry I came, too?”

Sirius looked at him like he was barmy. “No, of course not. He loved you. Besides, you’re here for me, too.” He stared down at his knees. “I’m not even really angry that Pete’s here, he just hit a nerve.”

“I know.”

“I should apologise.”

“Not today.” Remus shook his head. “Let it lie for today and you can speak to him tomorrow. He’ll understand.”

“I don’t... want him to be gone,” Sirius said after a moment, his voice thick and hoarse. “I’m not ready.”

“It’s shit. I’m really sorry.”

“Yeah. It’s shit.” Sirius looked pale and drawn as he took a sip of beer. “I think I need to get out of here. Spend some time by myself, you know? You stay. I’m going to get an earlier train and I'll see you at home.”

Remus didn’t want to let him go alone but had to listen to what Sirius wanted.

Sirius stood up and finished his beer. “I’m fine. Please don’t worry. I just want some time.”

Remus nodded and watched him walk away before going back into the hall. “I think it’s only just hitting him,” he said as they looked to him for confirmation of what had transpired outside. “He’s gone home. He’s fine, and he’s sorry, Pete. He didn’t mean it.”

Peter smiled limply and nibbled on a mini sausage roll.

When Remus got home a few hours later, after helping James’s aunty to tidy up, and what felt like the longest train journey ever, he found that Sirius had gone to bed early, which he knew was a worrying sign in itself. He made himself a cup of tea and began to pace back and forth in the kitchen. Paddy watched him from his bed with one eye open. He wanted to go and see him, check that he was okay. But then the last thing he wanted to do was intrude when Sirius just needed to be left alone with his grief.

He was relieved beyond measure when Sirius’s bedroom door opened a fraction. His head poked around the door searchingly and caught Remus’s eye. Sirius’s eyes were red and slightly puffy but the life behind them was far from erased. He had changed into jeans and a t-shirt. “Still up then?” he asked.

“Still up,” Remus nodded. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I-” Sirius looked at his feet. “Are you about to go to bed, or-” he cleared his throat, “Or do you want to hang out? I’ve got Juno all lined up and ready to go in here.”

Remus smiled a full, unabashed smile. “Let’s hang,” he said. He grabbed his tea and quickly stopped off in his room to put his pyjamas on. Seconds later, he pushed Sirius’s door open with his foot. Sirius was already under the duvet, head propped up with pillows. He pulled the duvet up on the other side of the bed so Remus could get in. Remus wriggled under the duvet and pulled it up. He could feel the warmth emanating from Sirius who was centimetres away, staring up at the ceiling. He grabbed the remote control from the bedside table and pressed play. Elliot Page popped up on the screen. “It started with a chair,” he said, taking a swig of Sunny Delight.

This was another of their go-to films that they had seen so many times, they didn’t have to concentrate. Sirius turned towards Remus, shifting his weight onto his side and propping his head up on his bent arm. “Sorry about today,” he said slowly.

Remus mirrored his position, turning to face him. He shook his head, saying nothing.

“I thought I was fine. I thought- well, I was just focussed on James, really. Making sure he was okay?”

“Yeah,” Remus nodded. “That makes sense.”

“And I think on some level, I would have felt shitty about being too sad because he was James’s dad. Not mine.”

Remus breathed slowly, turning the words around in his head. “Yeah, except- well, he was your dad too, wasn’t he?”

Sirius looked straight at him. His eyes were swimming with unshed tears. He nodded almost imperceptibly. “Yeah, he was.”

“James doesn’t have a monopoly on the grief, Sirius. You’re allowed to be sad and that doesn’t make you a dick. You can still be there for James but you don’t have to act like everything’s fine when you’ve lost someone incredibly important to you.”

“He’ll be alright. He has Lily. She’ll sort him out and give him a shoulder to cry on and everything.” Sirius sniffed a little. “He’s a trooper.”

“And so are you,” Remus affirmed.

Sirius let out a sharp breath through his nose. He set back to looking at the ceiling.

“Sirius,” Remus warned. “You’re so strong, and you’re so good, and I’m actually fucking glad you’ve had a bit of a cry because I was worried about you.” He brought a hand up to Sirius’s chest. “You’re tired. You look shattered.”

Sirius glanced up. He looked painfully... small. And sad. A tear tracked down his cheek which Remus reached out and wiped away. Sirius’s eyes fluttered closed at the contact.

Remus swallowed down the lump in his throat. His hand rested for a moment on Sirius’s cheek before he brought it back to his side. “Want me to go so you can sleep?”

Sirius’s eyes stayed closed but he shook his head minutely. He let out a long, laboured breath through his nose, then a little half-stifled yawn.

“I’m exhausted,” Sirius said eventually, opening his eyes, which were hooded and watery and intense.

“I’ll go.”

“Could you... not?” Sirius asked, in barely a whisper. He kept looking at Remus whose stomach clenched.

“Okay.” Remus let his eyes close and flopped his head back onto the pillow. He felt sleep building slowly within him.

Sirius sniffed again and Remus realised he was properly crying. His breathing was ragged and uneven and Remus instinctively moved closer and pulled him into his chest. He nestled his head into the fabric of Remus’s t-shirt and his breathing instantly calmed to a normal rate. Remus found his fingers clutched in Sirius’s hair, soothing at his scalp with fingertips. He felt his t-shirt dampen with tears as he made soothing noises and tenderly stroked his hair. Tears were building in his own eyes and he was completely lost for words. In no time at all, Sirius was asleep, breathing heavily into his chest. Remus couldn’t, wouldn’t let him go. He closed his eyes.

When he woke up the next morning, it was to a heavy weight slung around his waist and hot breath at his neck. It took him a moment to realise that he was in Sirius’s bed. That the arm was Sirius’s. That the heat was his too, and those were his lips pressed firmly into Remus’s neck.

Remus’s first instinct was to panic. Embracing Sirius last night when he was upset and in need of comfort was a no-brainer. But to fall asleep wrapped in each other, and to wake up even more so, was something else altogether. It was intimate in a way that transcended friendship; familiar in a way that only lovers should be. As the panic subsided, it was replaced with something else: a sort of curiosity about what Sirius’s first instinct would be on waking up like this. Knowing over-affectionate Sirius, he would probably think it was completely normal to have the odd snuggle with a friend. Nonchalance ran through his veins, whereas Remus’s were full of doubts and apologies and chocolate. Sirius shifted a little behind him and his arm tightened its grip ever so slightly on his waist.

“You awake?” Remus whispered, not wanting to wake him if not.

“No,” Sirius whispered back. “Go back to sleep.” His arm did not move, but he did pull his head back to the pillow, away from Remus’s neck which now felt very cold and drafty. Remus closed his eyes, hoping that Sirius wouldn’t be able to feel his bounding pulse under his grip. Remus glanced at the alarm clock on the table and noted that it was still early, and actually, he was definitely still tired. His sleepy eyes closed against the pillow that smelled of Sirius, and, deciding not to think too much, he grabbed Sirius’s hand and pulled his arm tighter around him. Sirius made a pleased little noise behind him and Remus tried his hardest to ignore the thrill that leapt through him as he did.

Around an hour later, Paddy leapt onto the bed with his characteristic enthusiasm. He started licking and nipping at Sirius who laughed softly and ruffled his fur. Remus rolled over to face them and was met by a slow, warm smile from Sirius whose hair fell in his eyes. Remus resisted the urge to brush it away from his forehead. He returned the smile and reached out for Paddy’s thick fur which he teased beneath his fingers.

“Who’s on walk duty this morning?” Remus asked, quite keen on the idea of getting some fresh air.

“Go together?” Sirius asked.

“Sure. Sounds good.”

Sirius hoisted himself out of bed. He was still wearing jeans from the night before but he quickly whipped his t-shirt off, sprayed his armpits with deodorant and selected a clean top from the drawer. His shoulder was now flexible enough for him to put his own t-shirt on; buttons were no longer a prerequisite. Remus followed suit. He stopped by his room to put clothes on and was reminded again that he did not sleep there the night before.

The thing was, they had slept in the same bed before. More times than Remus could count. But it was always out of necessity, or because one had just happened to fall asleep and the other didn’t want to wake them. Last night, though, Remus had made a choice to stay in Sirius’s bed: to touch him and hold him and do everything in his power to help. There had been moments of almost impossible tenderness with somebody he hadn’t thought was capable of such fragility, and now Remus had no idea where he stood; the ground under his feet rockier than ever. His relationship with Sirius seemed to be morphing from the simplest in his life to the most bewilderingly complex at breakneck speed. He wasn’t holding the reins; he knew that much. He wasn’t entirely sure Sirius was holding them either.

He pulled on a warm jumper, a scarf and hat. He looked at himself in the mirror and ran a hand over his stubbled chin, reminding himself to take the time later to shave. He went back into the hallway where Sirius had put Paddy’s lead on and was being pulled towards the door.

“Poo bags?” Sirius asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“What did you just call me?” Remus smiled, grabbing a couple of bags for the road. He had the sudden thought that the same old jokes that they had always shared now felt that they were skirting dangerously close to flirting. He didn’t know the rules and there was nobody to ask like there was in the world of academia. He supposed he could ask Sirius, but that would mean putting it into words, and he wasn’t there. He could barely voice it to himself.

--

Remus stared at a patch of mould on the grout between the white, cracked bathroom tiles and resolved to get the mould cleaner out once he was done with his bath. He had only got into the bath five minutes ago and he wondered how he was meant to fill the time - it had been years since he’d had a bath but he figured it might be relaxing and give him some time to think. Sirius had given him some bubble bath to use, which had made the whole room smell like bergamot and lavender, which wasn’t unpleasant and his skin already felt softer.

He should have brought a book in. Or a cup of tea. Or--

But no, perhaps the fact that he only had the mechanical whirring of the extractor fan for company was a good thing, and quiet wasn’t always forthcoming when one lived with Paddy and his bouncy human equivalent.

He shifted his bum forward in the tub, hoiking his legs out of the water and resting his feet on the lip of the bath so he could submerge his entire head in the water. He emerged, shaking the water from his hair. It felt good. Maybe he should bathe more often.

It was three days since the funeral and two since they had woken up tangled together like discarded barbed wire. Two days since Remus had to throw his pyjamas in the wash because they smelled so strongly of Sirius. His thoughts smelled of him too; stank, really. But otherwise, things were back to normal and they were interacting much as they always did, for the most part. Remus had put in two long days on campus - he now had to use the computers in the library since his had died its unfortunate death, which meant he could do no real work at home. As a result, he and Sirius had crossed paths a few times but spent no substantial time together.

Tonight, they were both home. There was a sausage casserole in the oven and an hour to kill so Remus had come up with the bath idea and Sirius walked the dog.

He heard the front door click closed, signalling that they had returned. He heard Sirius clanging around in the kitchen.

The door to the bathroom slammed open, making Remus jump out of his skin and the bath water slosh over the side of the bath. Paddy whined at him, tail wagging like crazy and sniffing at the bath-bound Remus in curiosity. He was briefly concerned that he was going to leap right into the bath with him, but was left with a different problem when the dog abruptly left, leaving the door wide open, and a very naked Remus on the opposite side of the room to his towel.

He thought his options through. Option one was to call Sirius and ask him to shut the door. Option two was to make a mad dash from bath to towel rail and hope for the best.

He went for option two, hoisted himself out of the bath and was just reaching out to pick up his towel when he realised that Sirius was just outside the door, walking down the hall to his room. In almost comical slow motion, Remus turned to face him, naked as the day he was born and dripping with water. Sirius glanced into the bathroom, clocked Remus in all his glory, gasped, and walked smack bang into the door frame, nose first.

“Oh, shit.” Remus grabbed his towel and wrapped it around his waist, moving towards Sirius whose nose was pouring with blood. They ushered him into the kitchen and into a chair. Remus stemmed the flow of blood with a tea towel and tucked Sirius’s hair out of the way behind his ears.

“Are you alright? Can you see? Do you think it’s broken?”

“I’m fine, Re.” Sirius’s tone was almost dismissive as he took the tea towel from Remus’s clutches and dabbed tentatively at the blood flow, which was lessening.

“Sorry, I... Paddy came in and I couldn’t shut the door, and you came out just at the wrong time.”

“It’s fine,” Sirius said again.

Remus was supremely conscious that his whole top half was on display. He realised that Sirius had never seen the ugly scars that littered his abdomen, and now he was staring and Remus wanted the ground to swallow him whole. Remus looked down at the bumpy scar tissue. His cheeks flushed scarlet and he crossed his arms against his tummy, defensively.

Sirius blinked himself out of his thoughts and removed the tea towel from his face. “Will you have to do it again?”

“What?” Remus asked.

“More operations?” Sirius wasn’t looking at him.

“Maybe,” Remus nodded. “Everyone’s different. But I’m on good meds now and haven’t had a proper flare in years.” His arms still covered the area south of his belly button.

Sirius glanced up at him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel self conscious.”

“It’s not a problem. I mean, I know it’s ugly.”

“No.” Sirius fixed his gaze on the table.

Remus didn’t know what to say or do so he let the silence hang between them, desperately wanting to go and cover up. Sirius’s nose was crusted in blood and his white t-shirt was beyond redemption.

“Would you do me a favour?” Sirius asked eventually. “And I’ll be quick because I know you’re just dying to go and put a T-shirt on.”

“Yes?”

“Would you try not to worry about the scars?” He lifted a hand that hovered awkwardly before he let it fall to his lap. “I mean, they're there forever, aren’t they? They’re not going anywhere. And you might think they’re ugly, but I don’t. They’re just one part of the fabric of you. So I think you should just... you know, own that.”

Remus shrugged. “They’re hardly attractive though, are they?”

Sirius sighed. “Remus, you are attractive. The scars don’t detract from that. Now go and get dressed and I’ll dish dinner up, yeah?”

Remus swallowed and nodded minutely before heading off to put clothes on.

--

“I had a dream last night.” Sirius tucked heartily into the casserole. “It was fucking awful: you and James put me in a care home.”

Remus almost spat his food out. “We put you in a care home?”

“Yep. Full of old people. It was wretched and they wouldn’t let me leave, so I just had to sit in my room and watch repeats of The Good Life and wait for death.”

“Wow. That’s cheery. I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better, then.”

“I am, actually.” Sirius shrugged. “Spoke to Pete today and said sorry. I think we’re okay.”

“Good.”

“Jimmy was saying he and Lils might swing by in a bit. They want to bring the Big Bowl back.” The big bowl usually served as their punch bowl but had been repurposed as a crisps receptacle for the wake.

“Great. I was beginning to miss its reassuring presence in the lounge.” Remus smiled.

“So, any big birthday plans for tomorrow?”

“Nope. I’ve got to spend most of it on campus, to be honest. I’m not sure it’s going to be a Hall of Famer.”

“How about we focus on the evening then? Get the gang over?”

Remus nodded. “Sounds good. Nothing big, though.”

“Nothing big,” Sirius agreed. “So, exciting news! I start physio tomorrow to get proper movement back in my shoulder.”

“Brilliant! So you’ll finally be able to wank again?” Remus waggled his eyebrows.

“Oh dear, sweet Remus. I have been able to wank throughout. Just needed to be a bit inventive. I might be ambidextrous now.”

Remus grinned his way. “That’s good to hear.”

The front door opened and slammed shut as James and Lily let themselves into the house. James was singing Hot Stuff by Donna Summer at full pelt and Remus and Sirius exchanged a glance.

“Good evening, my beauties!” James proclaimed as he and Lily took a seat.

“He’s been singing Donna Summer all fucking day,” Lily moaned.

“Lily, evidently doesn’t want some hot stuff this evening,” James winked. “Sirius, how are you?” He looked at him pointedly.

“What does that mean?” Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, last time we saw you, you were having what the French call ‘un Diva Strop très grand.”

Sirius fixed him with a glare but it was obvious that his heart wasn’t in it.

“Also, it would appear that you have broken your once very beautiful nose. So I’m asking how you are and it’s coming from a place of brotherly concern.”

“It’s not broken,” Sirius huffed. “Remus got his goolies out and I walked into the doorframe.”

Remus could feel all the blood rushing to his face. “Oh, so you did see my goolies then?”

“Affirmative,” Sirius nodded, his mouth quirking up at the side.

“Right, I honestly, truly do not want to know details,” James laughed. “I swear, you two are more married every time we come over.”

Remus buried that comment in some no-go area of his brain, where he had also put the tender spooning incident, and that time he had asked Natalie Read out in first school but she told him she was already going out with Brian Bailey even though Remus knew Brian Bailey was going out with Ellie Moran. Truly traumatic.

Interestingly enough, Sirius didn’t respond to the comment either, which would otherwise usually have been the perfect precursor to some top class Potter-Black banter. It confirmed his suspicion that things were still a little weird between them: weirder still now Sirius had seen him in his birthday suit.

Remus did his bit and got them each a beer from the fridge. They sat in quiet for a while.

“How’s your Mum?” Sirius asked eventually.

“She’s doing okay,” James nodded. “Worried about you, incidentally.”

Sirius swallowed. “I’ll give her a call.”

“She’d like that.”

“How are you doing, Jimmy?” Sirius shifted in his seat.

James looked him straight in the eye. “Shit, mate. I’m doing shit.”

Sirius laughed, which Remus winced at but James seemed to take it in his stride. “Yeah, me too. Absolutely wank.”

They looked at each other in the way that only they could: speaking through miniscule twitches in their faces and body language alone.

“I don’t know the rules,” Sirius said after a while. “How long am I allowed to be sad for? Is it okay if sometimes I forget to be sad? Am I allowed to be sad at all given that he was your dad and not mine?”

“I think you have to make your own rules,” James shrugged. “And the answer to the last one is 100% yes, but you knew that already.” He looked down at his fingernails. “I’m still trying to reconcile the fact that he’ll never see me qualify. Will never see us get married. Won’t ever meet his grandchildren.”

“I’ll never get to come out to him,” Sirius said slowly, and Remus suspected it was the first time he’d thought of it.

“It’s shit,” James sighed. “But can you do something for me? Don’t fucking cope with it alone, because anything you’re feeling, I’m feeling too.”

Sirius inhaled. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I know. But I can’t be okay unless you’re okay, dickhead.”

“Okay,” Sirius snorted.

“So, there is this pottery class. Wednesday nights at the church hall. Fancy it? Just the two of us?”

Sirius laughed again. “Whatever it takes to get you off my back.”

James beamed at him. “Splendid! I’ll sign us up.”

They stayed until late and Remus knew that seeing James had helped Sirius in a way he could not. He suspected it had helped James just as much. When they left, Sirius’s face had lost some of the tension that had taken up residence there ever since he took that call.

--

Remus’s birthday hadn’t been particularly remarkable up to this point. He had spent most of the day in the library, drafting and redrafting his essay. The harsh lighting had given him half a migraine and, with the exception of Sirius and Paddy on his way out the door hours earlier, he had spoken to nobody but the sullen barista in the library cafe. He wasn’t all that sure that the essay was even any good, and when the bus he took home broke down and he found himself walking another two miles, he thought that perhaps he would just go to bed and have the whole thing done with.

Evidently, this did not fit into Sirius’s plans as when he opened the door, it was to an enthusiastic Paddy who was wearing a cardboard party hat and carrying a small, ball-shaped package. Sirius came out of the kitchen with a chocolate cupcake which had a single lit candle. He turned off the lights and sang happy birthday, beaming the whole while as Paddy’s tail smacked rhythmically against his leg.

“...you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!”

“Gosh,” Remus said, blowing out the candle and switching the light on. “And a present too? Paddy, you shouldn’t have!”

“This one’s from him. He picked it.” Sirius leaned in the doorway and watched as Paddy relinquished the present and Remus quickly unwrapped it, revealing that the ball-shaped present was, in fact, a ball.

Remus laughed as Paddy wagged his tail. He tossed the ball in the air and watched Paddy leap upwards, catching it in his mouth.

“I think he secretly wanted that one for himself,” Sirius laughed. “Now, come and sit down. I’ve put that cookbook of yours to good use and I have made a culinary delight for your enjoyment. It’s pie. Chicken. Smells okay, I think. But I’m afraid I ran out of time and had to buy the cupcakes.”

Remus, genuinely a little touched, exhaled a small laugh and sat himself at the table. “I’ve had a shitty day,” he said. “This makes up for it.”

“That’s what we hoped,” Sirius said. “I figured you wouldn’t have all that much fun this close to a deadline. The others are going to come over in a bit, but I made it clear at the outset that it’d be low key. No karaoke. No stripper.”

“Ah, well that’s a relief!”

--

After the, frankly delicious, pie, Sirius sidled off to his room, returning shortly afterwards with his hand behind his back. “This one’s from me.” He handed him a box-shaped gift which he had wrapped in striped wrapping paper and fastened with a bow.

“Something tells me this is going to put the charity shop gift to shame?” Remus asked, tearing at the paper to reveal a brand new MacBook Pro. Sirius was looking at him intently and Remus’s cheeks began to burn. “You have to return this.” He placed it down on the table with its wrappings, which crunched as they uncurled, and looked straight at Sirius. “This is... no, Sirius. This is far too much.”

“Remus.” Sirius shuffled listlessly on the spot.

Remus stood up. His chair scraped loudly on the tiled floor. His expression was mutinous.

“Re-”

“No, Sirius. You can’t- you can’t just fucking buy me a laptop.”

“But yours is broken,” Sirius shrugged. He walked over to Remus. “And you’re having to spend so long in the library. I just wanted you to have the option of being able to work here again.”

“That is so far from the point.” Remus’s whole face burned with rage and embarrassment.

“Remus, can we just take a step back and calm down?” Sirius asked, reaching out for Remus’s forearm, which Remus swiftly pulled out of reach.

“No, Sirius. I can’t just calm down. You-- you need to take this back. I can’t take it.”

“No.” Sirius’s face had broken into a maddening grin. “It’s yours. I mean, really, Remus, where are your manners?”

“Sirius, please stop fucking around.”

“I’m not!” Sirius exhaled, and wiped the smile off his face; clearly frustrated. “Look, I knew you’d be like this. But it’s simple really. You needed a laptop. I have money lying around doing nothing and I wanted to buy you one. And there was no point me buying you a shitty one that wouldn’t last, was there? It’s not a big deal. What’s the problem?” His face had turned slightly red and he stepped closer, trying and failing again to grab Remus’s wrist.

Remus breathed in and out, while he tried to digest, tried to pinpoint exactly why he was reacting this way. He looked at Sirius from under angry, clenched eyebrows and Sirius returned the intensity. They stood looking at each other and Sirius breathed in, moving closer still. He pulled his lower lip into his mouth, biting at it, and when he released it, it looked soft and plump and Remus first wanted to punch it. Then, more alarmingly, he had quite a violent urge to kiss it, to pull it into his own mouth: to taste and bite and lick. Even more alarmingly, Sirius, breathing heavily, eyes brooding and strange, and oh so close, looked to Remus like he was feeling the exact same combination of emotions.

Remus’s heart was pounding. He gulped heavily. He felt sick. The eye contact was stifling but he couldn’t look away. Sirius shifted just millimeters forward, like he was going to-- Then Paddy dropped Remus’s birthday ball at his feet and both he and Sirius were jolted out of... whatever it was at the same moment.

Remus looked away jerkily, then back to Sirius, the intensity broken and much more manageable now. He felt much less like he might drown in it. “The problem is, you’re not my boyfriend.” Remus’s words came out softly, and even he didn’t want to read into the subtext behind them.

“That’s a problem?” Sirius glanced up while he absently patted Paddy on the head.

“No, that’s not- I didn’t mean-” He sighed. “I meant that sometimes you act like you are.”

“I do, hmm?” Sirius’s eyes regained their twinkle as he burst out laughing. “I think there’s a pretty key component of a relationship that we don’t do, mate.”

Remus huffed out a laugh in spite of himself. “That’s true.”

“We can start, if you want,” Sirius said faux-sultrily, waggling his eyebrows outrageously.

“Oh fuck off,” Remus laughed. His heart resumed its normal rhythm and he thought, perhaps, that he had imagined all of it. “Thank you for the present, Sirius. I love it, if that wasn’t clear.”

“Good. It wasn’t, but you’re welcome.” Sirius smiled coyly, stepped conspicuously out of his space and fetched the two of them a beer from the fridge.

--

“I thought he was going to kiss me today,” Remus muttered casually to Lily over a beer later that evening. The weather was unseasonably mild and they had taken the opportunity to go out onto the terrace for the first evening since winter.

“Nolan? That’s hardly a big deal, is it?” Lily played with the condensation on her bottle.

“Err... not Nolan.” Remus glanced at her and smiled sheepishly.

“Who then? Who have you-” she stopped abruptly, mouth parting with understanding. “Sirius!”

“Shhh!” Remus looked around, panicking. But they were alone. “Yes, okay?” he whispered. “Sirius.”

“Fuck. Are you- why do you- fuck.” Lily took a deep breath, “You’re sure?”

“Hahaha, no. Not really sure of anything right now, to be honest. I thought there was a moment, though. We had a fight and then he was all up here,” he gestured to the space immediately before him. “He had that look in his eye. The one where he’s about to take what he wants and consequences be damned.”

Lily looked at him incredulously. “I know the look, you sod. This is the hugest news you have ever had, and you waited two whole hours to deliver it?” Remus nodded guiltily. “Wait a second. Did you-- did you want to kiss him?”

He looked at her. And he had never been very good at lying to Lily. She didn’t have the sort of eyes you could lie to, really. He took a big swig of his beer.

“Yes,” he said quietly. “Yeah, I definitely did. For a moment. But I also quite wanted to sock him one. So I’m not sure we should read all that much into it.” He picked at some hard skin on his finger. “And I mean, if Sirius Black looks at you like he’s going to kiss you, you just sort of find yourself puckering up, don’t you?”

“I wouldn’t know! But this is new, yes? Wanting to kiss Sirius?” Her eyes were wider than saucers and Remus could tell that she was trying incredibly hard to maintain her cool.

“Very new,” Remus admitted. “It’s been... years since I’ve even thought about it. And then today, I swear, I was this close to just grabbing him.” He pinched his index finger and thumb together tightly. “And I don’t know what his reaction would have been if I did, but it was a wakeup call. I need to be so much more careful.”

“Why exactly?” She surveyed him with tight, careful eyes.

“Are you even listening? I could have ruined everything we have. He’s my best friend. He’s... he’s Sirius.”

She took a sip and leaned down on the railing of the decking, her face contorted in thought.

“Okay,” she said eventually. “He is Sirius; you’re right. But maybe he could be, you know, your Sirius.”

Remus snorted. “Sirius could never belong to anyone. He’s a free spirit.”

“I don’t mean in a possessive way. Not that he would belong to you, just-” she cringed, “Oh God, this is so embarrassing, and you can’t hold it against me forever that I said it. But maybe, you know, his heart could belong to you.” She giggled a little at the cheesiness of the words. “Actually, if we’re being technical, I think that might already be the case.”

He looked at her disbelievingly. “No,” he corrected firmly.

She smiled to herself and looked at the ground. An early mosquito flitted around her head, then flew off towards the patio light.

“Things have been a bit weird lately. The night of the funeral, we slept in the same bed. He... asked me to stay, so I did. But I definitely wanted to. And then there was the goolies incident.”

“Ah yes, care to shed some light on that?” Lily giggled.

“Oh God. Well, I got out of the bath and the door was open and he got an eyeful.”

“Then walked into the wall?”

“Doorframe.”

“Oh, well in that case, he’s definitely not into it.” She nudged him with her elbow.

Remus sighed. “I told him earlier that he acts like I’m his boyfriend.”

“What did he say?”

“That we don’t have sex,” he laughed. “Which is a fair point. But he bought me a fucking MacBook.” She looked at him knowingly and he sighed. “I have a boyfriend.”

“It’s only been a few weeks.”

“He’s cute though, isn’t he? And he’s... easy.”

“Remus!”

“Not like that! He’s straightforward. And effusive. And he likes me.”

“He’s a bit of a catch,” she nodded. “I really like him.”

“I just- I think that even if he did like me that way, if Sirius and I hooked up, it would be so serious from the very start. We live together. We know everything about each other. There would be no ‘try it and see’ option here.”

“No,” Lily conceded. “High stakes.”

“The highest,” he nodded. “I don’t even know if he wants to be with someone long term. He’s never done it yet.”

The back door opened and slammed shut and they both looked up. Sirius stood there in a tight, white t-shirt with a beer in each hand. His hair was clean and soft and looked almost criminally good, Remus thought to himself. “Thought you might need a refill,” he said, handing them each a bottle. His intense eyes fixed on Remus who felt the onset of the familiar sweaty feeling he had experienced earlier on.

“Thanks love,” Lily beamed. “Look, I’m getting chilly. I’m going to head inside. Coming?” She turned to Remus, showing him that she was giving him an out.

“I’ll stay out for a bit,” he smiled. Once she had gone inside, he turned to Sirius and tried not to make eye contact. “Can I tell you something?”

“Always,” Sirius said flatly, lighting a cigarette and leaning against the railing. In the soft lighting, his angular features looked almost statuesque. He even smelled good and really that wasn’t even slightly fair.

“I don’t miss him anymore.”

“Marco?” Sirius took a long drag, then turned to face Remus.

“Mmhmm.”

“Good. He was a cunt.”

“Sirius!”

Sirius’s eyes glinted with mischief. Remus shoved him gently on his good shoulder.

“Say it,” Sirius goaded.

“He was a cunt.”

“Good man.” Sirius ran a hand through his hair and his arms were a little too much for Remus to handle in his moment of vulnerability. “Were you in love with him?” Sirius asked in a moment of uncharacteristic sincerity. He sipped his beer.

Remus looked at him and heaved in a big breath. “I thought I was.”

Sirius made a little noise in the back of his throat which may have been one of allowance. He said nothing so Remus figured he would carry on talking.

“He was so gorgeous. And he had charisma coming out of his eyeballs. He was crazy intelligent and he was... well, my first big love, I suppose. And when it was good, it was so good, you know?” Sirius didn’t answer but looked at him intently. Remus stared at the bottle in his hands. “Before him, I was so sure I was totally repulsive.”

Sirius snorted disbelievingly.

“No, I really was. I have... you know, the scars and stuff. And I was a teenager, so I had bad skin and my features were too big and gawky. I genuinely didn’t think that I would be able to take my clothes off in front of someone. And he came on the scene, and he was so beautiful, and he showed me that I was someone who could be fancied. And wanted. And that... was so alien. He helped an enormous amount.”

“And then you felt indebted to him?” Sirius asked.

“Yes, maybe. And like he was a one off?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I knew that he liked me, and found me attractive. But I thought he might be an isolated case. And that nobody else would want me.”

Sirius looked at him in utter disbelief. “Re,” he said softly; his eyes full of something heavy and meaningful.

“No, please don’t,” Remus smiled softly, feeling a lump form in the back of his throat. “It’s fine.”

“Remus,” Sirius said quietly. He touched his hand to Remus’s forearm and looked at him pointedly.

Remus felt his eyes begin to fill with tears and he cleared his throat in a bid to hide his reaction. He shook his head sadly at Sirius, just as the back door opened and Nolan stepped out onto the patio.

Sirius took his hand back in a flash but Nolan seemed to have clocked it. He looked between the two of them and plastered a friendly expression on his face.

“Hello both,” he greeted, flashing a perfect set of pearly whites.

“Hi,” Remus said, smiling genuinely.

“Hi Nolan,” Sirius said, smiling a clinical smile that did not quite meet his eyes.

Nolan came up and stood right between them, placing a firm hand on the small of Remus’s back.

“I’m going to head in and see if Jimmy’s managed to get the Twister out yet,” Sirius said jovially. He took a swig of his beer, looked straight at Remus for a second, then headed in.

“So,” Nolan said jovially, “Happy birthday!” He swooped in and kissed Remus full on the mouth.

Remus leaned in and placed both hands on his waist. “Thank you very much! Have you had a nice day?”

“It was awesome,” Nolan beamed. “Better now though.” He kissed him again; firm and sweet and confident. “Mm, you taste good. Beery.”

Remus smiled shyly.

“You look cold - want to go inside?” Nolan asked, rubbing his hands up and down Remus’s arms. Remus nodded his assent and let Nolan steer him inside by the small of his back. The warmth of the flat hit him at the same time as a wave of outrageous laughter.

The small gathering, to his relief, was still just that. Cigarettes After Sex thrummed out of the speakers and the vibe was relaxed and easy. Most people were sat on the floor, leaving a spot on the sofa which was just big enough for he and Nolan to squeeze in. Remus was vaguely aware of Lily snapping a couple of photos, but in general he felt at ease and pleased to be around his nearest and dearest. He ate three cupcakes far too quickly and snuggled into the embrace of the sofa, letting it all wash over him. All in all, the day was definitely on the up.

Much later, as people began to leave and yawns had become more frequent than laughs, Remus decided that it was time for bed. He hauled a sleepy Nolan off the sofa and they headed to his room, wishing the others a good night. There was no mistaking the stormy expression on Sirius’s face as they did, but Remus figured he could worry about that in the morning.

As the door clicked shut behind Nolan, Remus stepped instantly towards him and kissed him softly on the mouth. Nolan smiled into the kiss and gently ran his fingers through Remus’s hair. Remus made an appreciative little noise deep in the back of his throat.

“So,” Nolan said, pulling slightly away but keeping his hand carding through Remus’s hair. “Did you have a good birthday?”

“I did,” Remus smiled. He put his hands on Nolan’s waist and kissed him again. And all he wanted to do was kiss him. Kiss him, and not think about that other nearly kiss, or the real reason he had had such a brilliant day. Kiss him, and not think about a pair of moody eyes or tattooed forearms or clean, soft, curly hair. Kiss him and forget.

--

Remus woke up desperate for the toilet first thing in the morning. He did what he had to, then followed voices coming from the kitchen. Something made him stop just outside.

“I mean, are you ever going to tell him?” Lily asked in an urgent whisper.

“No,” Sirius said sullenly. “He doesn’t need that.”

“He might--”

“Lily,” Sirius interrupted. “Please, this is hard enough. I think-- it’s time I put it to bed.”

Remus’s stomach swooped. He couldn’t let Sirius keep talking in case... well, sometimes, ignorance was bliss. Besides, this sounded like a distinctly private conversation that he should not be snooping on. He walked purposefully into the kitchen and flicked the kettle on.

“Morning,” he said cheerily, getting a cup for each of them. James was also at the table with his head in his hands.

“Morning,” they all said in unison. Sirius did not make eye contact and Remus felt stung.

“Did you stay on the sofa or is this a breakfast return?” Remus asked of the Potter-Evanses.

“We came back,” Lily explained.

Remus had left Nolan dozing in his bed. Last night, they had not had sex but they had fooled around and partaken in a spot of mutual fondling, and Remus had taken his top off without thinking too much in a bid to “own” the scars. To his credit, Nolan hadn’t flinched. Nonetheless, Remus hadn’t quite felt comfortable going all the way, and he was trying not to think about why that was.

“Hey Sirius, you never told me how your physio went,” Remus said conversationally, hoping that it would mean he’d at least look at him.

“Oh yeah, it was good actually. A veritable success.” Sirius was still staring at the table but his tone was totally normal.

“He just drooled over his hot physiotherapist the whole time,” James laughed.

Finally Sirius looked his way. “Alec,” he nodded. “Fit as all hell.”

Remus released the breath he didn’t know he was holding and with it a laugh. “I would chastise you for abuse of the patient/doctor dynamic but whatever. As long as he fixes your arm.”

Sirius smiled. “I’m confident that he will.”

--

The Coven had six sister pubs in Cardiff. And once a year, the brewery put on a coach-based pub crawl where they visited all of them in one day. They gave out stamp cards and if you got a stamp for buying a drink in each pub, you got a free t-shirt. Of course, the t-shirts weren’t free in the strictest sense, given the £15 ticket for the coach and the money spent in each pub, but it was a laugh, and it had become a recurring invite in the gang’s calendar.

This year was no exception, and the chosen day was a dreary Saturday towards the tail end of March. The gang boarded the coach with a picnic and a smile, and everyone was in excellent spirits. Remus scoured the bus, taking in the other punters who had joined them for the duration. The seven of them (Dorcas was joining them today) brought the average age down significantly: many of the attendees were over sixty and out for a good day trip. No matter.

There were forty-five minutes allotted to each pub to give them time to visit all in a day. When they reached the first pub, they queued for a good twenty minutes at the bar, so the first pint ended up being a swift one, hastily gulped down to give them time to get back on the coach. Pubs two and three were a little more leisurely. By pub four, Marlene and Dorcas were drunk enough to publicly hold hands, but it was pub five where things started to get interesting.

Pub five was in the Castle Quarter. And when they walked in, it was a struggle to find somewhere to sit. They leapt into some recently vacated seats and James raised his glass.

“Right, a toast! Here’s to shoulders healing, spring springing, and tasty, tasty beer.”

“Cheers!” They all clinked their glasses together, grinning.

“Sirius?” A large, bearded man approached the table. “I thought it was you!”

“Dave, hi.” Sirius smiled politely. “How’s it going?”

“Really good, thanks! Emil is here somewhere. Come and say hello when you get the chance?”

“Will do,” Sirius nodded. “See you shortly!” He took a big gulp of his pint and glanced over at the bar where a skinny guy in a Clash t-shirt and white Converse was stood talking to a blonde girl with more tattoos than bare skin. He took another gulp, breathed in deeply, then excused himself and made his way over to the bar. The guy stopped talking mid sentence and smiled broadly, revealing dimples that were pretty endearing from the right angle. Remus watched as the guy, who Sirius obviously knew, introduced him to his friend. The guy bought Sirius a drink and they appeared to be chatting easily.

Marlene was talking about a book she was reading and Remus couldn’t have told anyone after the fact what she had said. If, however, someone had asked him exactly how many times the dimply stranger had touched Sirius, he would be able to respond accurately and without hesitation.

The thing was, Remus had seen Sirius getting hit on by girls more times than he could count. But now, he was getting (maybe, probably, almost certainly) hit on by a guy and it made Remus burn. Not with jealousy, as such, but with something more complex and much harder to name.

They were coming over and Remus felt his neck reddening.

“Guys, this is Emil.” Sirius smiled genuinely when they reached the table. “We go way back.” Sirius introduced his guest to them one by one, and Remus bristled when he was introduced as Sirius’s roommate (though he couldn't put his finger on why).

Emil ended up joining them in pubs six and seven, much to Remus’s irritation. What made it worse was that he was... lovely. Truly, he was sweet and intelligent and seemed to think that Sirius was the best thing since sliced bread. So why could Remus not quite bring himself to want him to stick around?

Remus half expected Sirius to split after the final pub and leave Remus to a lonely walk home, but after he had checked that Emil had the right number for him, Sirius suggested that he and Remus call it a night.

Back home, the two of them sat on the sofa. Remus’s legs were comfortably folded beneath him and his socked feet pointed out towards Sirius. The record player turned in the corner, filling the room with Conor Oberst’s dulcet tones.

“So I take it you and Emil have...” Remus tailed off.

Sirius smiled softly at him. “Once, yes. Ages ago.”

“I liked him,” Remus admitted.

“Yeah, he’s a good guy,” Sirius nodded. He looked down at Remus’s feet. “You have a hole in your sock.” He poked Remus's foot brazenly with his index finger.

He stared at his foot and grinned over at Sirius. “Oh, so I do!”

Sirius didn’t move his hand, which was now a soft, warm weight on his left foot. And Remus had a fleeting, half-formed thought, that really, he’d quite like him to keep it there.

Chapter 8: April

Notes:

Okay so there are a couple of things you need to know heading into this chapter. Firstly, public schools in the UK are like very exclusive private schools. Secondly, I could have written another 100,000 words about how much I love Devon but I refrained. You're welcome. Please enjoy!

“Is that really what you’re wearing to a pottery class?” Remus glanced up from his book. He sat at the kitchen table and had made good headway on his reading in the lead up to the Easter break: the more he did now, the less he would have to get done while they were away. Sirius had come in to down a quick espresso before James came to pick him up.

Sirius shrugged. “What’s wrong with it?”

“I can’t really think or form words because I have been blinded by how dazzlingly white your shirt is.” Remus buried his head back in his book. “Are you not going to get messy? Is white really the best colour?”

Sirius seemed to ponder this for a moment. “I figured they would supply aprons, no? You don’t think there will be aprons?” Remus looked at him, distinctly amused. “Well, I suppose if it all goes tits up, I could always throw some bleach in the washing machine afterwards.”

“Last time you did that, you ruined my favourite pair of boxers.”

“And I bought you a whole new pack of identical ones to make up for it, Remus! Can we focus on the task at hand please? I’m nervous.”

Remus arched an eyebrow. “Nervous, why?”

“New people. I hate that.”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh. “Sirius, you’re maybe the most social person I’ve ever met.”

“Hmm.” He looked over at Remus, eyes dancing. “Well, I’ll give you that. But I’m still nervous.”

There was a moment of quiet before Remus spoke. “You bought a shirt.”

Sirius nodded. “Turns out shirts are babe magnets. I learned this the hard way when I had my unfortunate handicap and had to branch out sartorially and women threw themselves at me.”

“And that is appealing to you because...”

“Well, I’m guessing this class isn’t exactly going to be a sausage fest. So, I’d like to get some of the ladies on side.”

“Sensible.”

“Yes. Thank you. I thought so.” Sirius waggled his eyebrows, stole one of Remus’s crisps, and the doorbell rang, all at once.

They had decided, the week before, that from now on, Wednesday nights would be pottery nights for James and Sirius, and ‘quality time’ nights for Lily and Remus: the two of them were always bemoaning the fact that they rarely got to spend proper time together these days, so this felt like the perfect opportunity.

When Sirius opened the door, James spilled over the threshold, cursing the fact that for the first time ever, Sirius and Remus had locked the door. “It’s like I don’t even live here anymore!”

“You don’t,” the three of them pointed out in unison.

James considered this, affronted. “Well, I just think you should have more respect for your elders.” Then he started chuntering to himself about how much had changed and how they’d forgotten all about him. None of them had the heart to point out that he was the youngest in the room.

He and Sirius took off and Remus and Lily relocated to the lounge with a cup of tea each.

She took in her surroundings, pausing and gazing fondly at a picture of the four of them from third year. “I’m glad they’re spending some time together.”

Remus nodded. “They both need it.” He handed her a hessian bag and took his own from the arm of the sofa. “Right, the boys are doing pottery. I thought we could learn how to cross stitch.” He had done his research and bought them each a starter kit from Amazon: they were going to make cushion covers, apparently.

Lily looked at hers reverently and touched him on the arm. “I am going to be bloody awful at this. They chucked me out of textiles GCSE because I broke three sewing machines.”

“Right, well let’s give it a go, yes?” Remus scratched his head. “I can’t imagine it’s particularly my cup of tea either, but I thought it would be less to clean up than getting out the paints or, like, carpentry.”

“Because we’re definitely a couple of carpenters.” She rifled through her bag and took out everything she needed.

“Of course.” Remus grinned at her, doing likewise.

“So how’s he been?”

Remus thought for a moment. “He’s doing much better. Definitely grieving, definitely sore, but better.” He took a sip of tea. “He rang Mrs Potter at the weekend and they were on the phone for a couple of hours. I think it helped. How’s James?”

She sighed. “He’s not great. He keeps saying that he should have been there; that he could have done something. Or that he should have forced him to go to the doctors years ago.”

“None of it would have helped.”

“No, exactly. But try telling him that! There’s only so much I can do. He needs his boy.”

“And his boy needs him,” Remus smiled sadly, starting off his cross stitch. “So James aside, how are things with you? Work okay?”

Lily huffed as she tried and failed to start her first stitch. Remus helped her out and got her started. “It’s a bit crappy at the moment, to be honest. I’m not sure about you, but when I got to uni in first year, I realised that public schoolboys existed and that I would have to navigate a whole world of self-entitled bullshit.”

Remus laughed. “I mean, my course was quite female. So my equivalent was pony girls with balayages.”

“Yes!” Lily enthused. “Anyway, it’s the exact same at work. There are literally no women above me in my chain of command, and I’m so junior, that statement is truly depressing. But I’m beginning to think the organisation is institutionally sexist. I’m being excluded from all the good projects even though I’m better than all the other grads. My boss is a massive twat. He will do things like take a great email I’ve written and just copy and paste it and pass it off as his own. Or make me do all the admin and photocopying like I’m his secretary. All of it is beginning to get me down.”

Remus concentrated on his cross stitch for a moment. “Do you think it would be any better if you went somewhere else? You work in a very male-dominated field. I think your experiences might sadly be universal.”

“Well exactly, grass is always greener.” She shrugged.

“Of course, you could always try another tack. Maybe if they keep shitting on you, you just need to go in there, roll up your sleeves, and do better than ever. Show them what you can do, and make them listen.” Remus glanced at her with her long red pigtails and stubborn expression as she got in a tangle. “I mean, you’ve got the biggest balls of anyone I know. Bigger than any of those pricks.”

Lily laughed. “Huge, great big hairy bollocks.”

“Quite!” Remus shot her a sideways smile. “So you just need to show them your great big hairy bollocks. Get them out and lop them on the desk or something.”

“That would get me noticed.” She cackled at the thought. “Kind of wishing I really did have balls now.”

“They’re overrated.”

“Thought you’d be a fan, given that you both possess them and, presumably, put them in your mouth on occasion.”

Remus almost spat his tea out. “You are filth.”

“What, you’ve never put a testicle in your mouth?” She looked at him with the naughtiest smile he had seen on her.

He grinned guiltily. “I may have.”

“Good. Glad that’s settled.” She finished her tea and put her mug down on the wooden floor with a clunk. “Speaking of which, have you shagged Black yet?”

Remus had yet again taken a big gulp of tea which made him splutter. He decided it was best to finish his drink quickly to protect the upholstery. “Smooth. And No.”

“Do you still want to?

Remus thought quietly for a moment while his head screamed the answer. “It’ll pass.”

She slumped a little in her seat. “Can I tell you a story?”

“Sure.”

“Right, so as you know, James and I got together in third year but we’d known each other from day one of uni, back when you were innocent and Sirius had a goatee. Anyway, when we met, I thought he was brash, crude, immature; a million adjectives, none of them complimentary. And by all accounts, he met me and thought I was the best thing since sliced bread.”

“It was sickening, really. Honestly, Lils, he was like a lovesick puppy for three fucking years!”

“I know. And I guess it probably appeared to all of you that I suddenly changed my mind overnight, after years of resistance. But in truth, I think I’d loved him for at least a year, quietly. It crept up on me and took me by surprise. And all of his annoying quirks, all the misplaced self-assurance, the singing, and that fucking... thing he does with his eyebrow, they all transitioned from being irritating to being... hot.” She shrugged. “It wasn’t overnight, and I couldn’t pinpoint the moment that my feelings changed. But I remember when I first realised that I wanted to be with him.” She smiled. “I mean, I’d wanted him for a while, but I thought I just wanted to... you know, sit on his face.”

“Of course,” Remus laughed.

“But there was this day when everything crystallised. He lived here, then, and Marlene, Pete and I came over for his birthday. You made tagine, remember?”

Remus nodded.

“We came into the kitchen, and he was midway through one of his ridiculous, dramatic stories, but he stopped mid-sentence when I walked in the room. And there was this smile on his face that was just lovely, and genuine, and totally devoid of any sarcasm. And he just said ‘Evans, you came’.” She looked at Remus. “He was sort of going out with Marion and I’d been livid about it and didn’t understand why, but I was so far gone, I just didn’t realise it. Then when he looked at me from across that table, all of it was obvious, really.”

Remus thought, with a jolt, of the look on Sirius’s face when he lay in that hospital bed and saw Remus at his bedside after the huge fight they’d had. ‘Re, you’re here,’ he’d said.

He cleared his throat. “What happened next?”

She had a wistful look on her face. “I spent all night just ultra aware of his presence in the room. And he kept looking at me. Our eyes met a few times and we held eye contact just too long to be appropriate. Then he walked me home, and the whole time, I just felt... alight, like I was charged. He didn’t kiss me, but I spent the whole time wishing he would. It was like I’d woken up to him.” She smiled down at her hands. “Cue two months of soul searching and wondering whether just going for it was worth the risk. I spoke to Marls about it, actually, and we decided that if it wasn’t love, it wasn’t worth jeopardising what we already had, and the dynamic of the group, and all that jazz. But how are you meant to know if it’s love when you haven’t even kissed the guy?”

“So what happened?” Remus asked, his interest piquing.

“I asked him.” She laughed incredulously. “I literally rang him up and asked him if he was in love with me because I thought I might be in love with him, but I just needed to... check.”

“Wow. On the phone?” He smiled. “And he said?”

“He laughed a lot, which was not particularly reassuring. Then he was like ‘Evans, of course I’m in love with you.’ And that was that. He broke it off with Marion within the hour and then he was at my door, smiling like a goon - I’ve honestly never looked back. Sometimes I think about what would have happened if I hadn’t rung him up, and I just... it’s insane now that we could have ended up with other people.”

Remus had abandoned his cross stitch and thought long and hard. “I’m not... in love with him.”

She nodded matter-of-factly. “Okay. Well then, maybe you’re right to leave it alone.”

He nodded. Definitely right to leave it alone.

When Sirius and James got back, Remus and Lily had moved onto easier, less gut-wrenching conversations, mostly about Nolan and Remus’s course and the strange man in Lily’s yoga class who grunted every time she did her downward dog.

Sirius came into the room first. Amazingly, his shirt was still white but there was no small amount of clay in his hair, and a big gloop on his cheek. James had splatters all over his glasses and they were smiling big, unabashed smiles. James squeezed in between them on the sofa and Sirius took the chair in the corner, fussing Paddy who was thrilled that everyone was back together.

“How was it?” Lily asked, finally abandoning her cross stitch and turning to James.

“Fantastic,” he enthused. “We made several friends, all of them over fifty. And it turns out that I do not live up to my name. I am, in fact, a crap Potter.” He held up what he’d made. It sort of looked like a grotesque gargoyle with huge goggly eyes and what looked like a massive penis.

“What on earth is that?” Lily giggled, taking it out of his hands.

“It was meant to be Paddy,” he shook his head forlornly.

“Why has he got such a huge knob?” She gasped for air.

“That’s his tail!” James snatched the creature back and inspected it. “Oh, it does look a bit like a penis, now you mention it.”

“And what about you?” Remus turned to Sirius. “Did you also make a monstrosity goblin?”

Sirius whipped out a blue glazed bowl that was so pretty, Remus would have bought it in a shop.

“Show off,” James mumbled. “Anyway, the main thing is that we had fun, met seven women called Janet, and we’re going back next time.”

Sirius smiled at him from his seat. He looked relaxed and happy, and a little bit ridiculous with his hair splattered with clay. In the dim light of the lamp beside him, his jaw looked sharp cut and his jet black hair curled around it, softening the angles and making his white shirt look even whiter. A scruff of stubble swept his chin and eyes were hooded with tiredness. But still, he looked really quite lovely and Remus realised that he needed to look at something else.

“I can’t believe we go away this weekend. It’s come around so quickly,” James said, snuggling into Lily a little.

Lily had found them a cottage in North Devon where they were going to spend a whole week. It was in walking distance of four pubs, and only a short hop to the beach. The place looked perfect: a log fire, a little garden with a barbecue, enough beds for all of them, and a room full of books and board games. Remus was in a good place with coursework and he couldn’t wait to get away for a week. For once, he felt that he’d earned the break.

“What have you two been up to then?” Sirius asked, motioning towards the abandoned piles of fabric and tapestry thread.

“We tried to cross stitch,” Remus smiled. “I’m not sure we were very good.”

“Must have been the quality of the kits, not the lack of skill,” Lily giggled.

“A bad dancer blames his trousers,” James winked.

Lily and James stayed for another few minutes before heading home.

“Marlene wants to bring Dorcas over one night this week,” Sirius said around a yawn after they had gone.

“Wow, so things really are getting serious.”

“Seemingly,” he nodded. “Shall we say tomorrow? We’re running out of days.”

“Sounds good,” Remus agreed. “I take it they want to warm up to the full week away with everyone?”

“That’s what Marls said - they’ve dined separately with the others, apparently, so it’s just us left.”

“What shall I make?” Remus asked, curling his legs beneath himself on the sofa.

“Shepherd’s pie,” Sirius grinned.

“Oh, definitely. Shepherd’s pie it is!”

Sirius looked at him, eyes brimming with fondness. “Can I ask you something?”

Remus nodded.

“You know me better than anyone, so I’m after some of that wisdom that you’re so good at imparting.” He looked slightly nervous and Remus pushed down an odd flip flopping in his tummy. “Emil asked me out.”

Remus had a sudden, unwelcome urge to stamp on his mug and smash it to smithereens. “Right,” he said. “No surprises there.”

“I was a bit surprised, actually. Didn’t think that was where he was going, but... well, it’s always nice to be asked.”

“Right,” Remus said again. “And what’s the question here?”

“Well, I’ve never been someone’s boyfriend, and I think maybe that’s where things would go with Emil. But I just-” he breathed in sharply. “I think there are fair odds he and I would be good together and I should give it a chance?”

“Right.”

“But then,” his sharp gaze burned through Remus as he sat and listened with every ounce of concentration he had. “I could wait.”

“Wait for what?” Remus couldn’t feel his hands.

Sirius eyed him carefully. “But then how long do you wait? How long before it’s just downright sad?”

“Wait for what, Sirius?”

Sirius looked down for a beat, then breathed in, about to speak. Remus had never felt less in control of his faculties. And since that night, his birthday, when he had maybe, possibly, almost kissed Sirius, thoughts of kissing Sirius flitted into his head with disturbing frequency. Right now, thoughts of kissing Sirius were threatening to win the battle against the part of his brain that maintained it was a terrible idea.

The sound of the front door clattering open made them both jump. James ran into the room. “Forgot my monstrosity goblin!”

Remus released the breath he had been holding and got up to hand James the monstrosity goblin. He walked him to the door and waved at Lily who was in the passenger seat.

“Do you think three pairs of shorts is enough for the holiday or do I need to go shopping?” Sirius asked when he came back into the lounge. Remus had half expected that they would resume the conversation where they left off, and he felt a definite pang of regret - or was it relief? - that they did not.

--

Remus finished smoothing down the potato on the freshly compiled shepherd’s pie. He opened the oven, unprepared for the wall of heat that would smack him in the face as he did. Through steamed up glasses, he managed to navigate getting the pie from the counter top to the oven and he set the timer for thirty minutes.

He had been aware of Sirius tinkling away on the piano in the next room for the last half an hour. But now that he had stilled and there was no kitchen noise to drown him out, he heard, with clarity, the first few notes of a familiar song which had been known to tug on Remus’s heartstrings more than once in the past.

Sirius’s voice, rich and clear, flowed into the kitchen:

“It’s a motherfucker, being here without you. Thinking ‘bout the good times, thinking ‘bout the bad. And I won’t ever be the same.”

Remus moved cautiously towards the lounge where he stood in the doorway, just out of Sirius’s eye line.

“It’s a motherfucker, getting through a Sunday. Talking to the walls just me again. But I won’t ever be the same.”

Remus was acutely aware that there were two instincts filling his brain at that moment, listening to Sirius singing his heart out. The first was to rush over, yank him off the piano stool, throw him against the wall, and kiss him senseless. The second was to run to his room and wait until Marlene and Dorcas arrived.

His feet carried him off to his room before his head could really catch up, and he sat on his bed with his head in his hands. The door opened seconds later, as if Sirius could sense his fragility.

“Oh, that’s not a happy pose.” He sat on the bed. “What’s up?” He turned to face Remus and his lips were parted in concern.

“Nothing!” Remus’s voice came out strange and jarringly cheery. “No, nothing in the slightest, I’m top notch, me.”

Sirius laughed through his nose. “Glad to hear it. So I just heard from Karen at the pub. There’s this big hop festival in Cornwall starting on the seventeenth. They want me to go and work it, selling the brewery’s beer and showcasing what they do.”

“That sounds cool.”

“Yeah, and it means I can go straight there from Devon.”

“How long will you be gone?”

“Two weeks,” Sirius nodded. “Ages! I’ll have to borrow some books.”

“Two weeks,” Remus nodded. As if he’d barely notice he was gone. As if two weeks didn’t feel like a fucking lifetime.

“Is that okay? It means you’ll have sole custody of Paddy for a bit, and I know you didn’t exactly sign on for a life of dog fatherhood.”

Remus huffed a laugh. “I think that ship has sailed. We’ll be fine.”

Sirius’s eyes gleamed and he patted Remus on the knee; an awkward, adorable gesture which made Remus tingle.

The doorbell rang and they went to greet their guests who swarmed into the house and brought with them an evening of warmth and laughter. It was the first time they had seen Marlene and Dorcas properly together, and it warmed the cockles of Remus’s shrivelled little heart.

After dinner, they went and sat outside. That day, Remus had filled the planter Sirius bought him for Christmas with sage, thyme and parsley, and the courtyard smelled lovely. It wasn’t warm, but Sirius got them blankets and lit some candles. Marlene and Dorcas huddled under one blanket and Remus watched from the corner of his eye as Dorcas soothed ran a finger back and forth over the inside of Marlene’s wrist. He glanced at Sirius whose face flickered in the candle light and realised that he would quite like to huddle under one blanket with him, and make soothing little motions on his wrist with his finger.

“How was the Dante essay in the end, Remus?” Dorcas asked. “I think mine might have been a pile of poo.”

“Hard to say,” Remus nodded. I think it turned out okay in the end, but it’s so hard to come up with something original when everything’s already been said.”

“That’s why I think I prefer the more contemporary stuff.” Dorcas took a sip of wine (they were being classy tonight). “I’ve got Marlene reading some. With mixed success.”

Marlene shrugged. “I very much enjoyed Elena Ferrante. And the one about the Somali diaspora, who was that by?”

“Christina Ali Farah” Remus said. “Madre Piccola. I liked it too. Sirius has been reading some Calvino, haven’t you?”

Sirius nodded. “It’s trippy as fuck.”

“So Marlene told her parents last week.” Dorcas said gravely. “That she’s queer. And dating a woman.”

“From the look on your face, Marls, I’m guessing it wasn’t a happy conversation.” Sirius looked over, concerned.

“Well,” she said, gesticulating grandly, wine wobbling around in her hand. “There was talk of cutting me out of the will unless I ‘snap out of it’. So no, it did not go well. But I wasn’t expecting it to. I just couldn’t fucking stand my mum asking when I was going to get married. So I told her it wasn’t for me, then she just kept baiting me. In the end, I just told her that I like eating pussy too much.” She snorted. “I thought I might have actually killed her because she went all quiet. But alas, she is alive and kicking me out of the home. Luckily, the home is 3,000 miles away so it’s no skin off my nose, really.”

“Sorry, Marlene,” Remus said genuinely. “I can’t even imagine.”

“I can,” Sirius mimed a little ‘our families are shit’ high five which Marlene reciprocated with a sly grin.

“You’ve never told your parents, Sirius?” Dorcas asked as she played with a strand of Marlene’s hair.

“They’re estranged,” Remus said quietly and Dorcas looked at him sadly.

“I couldn’t really be more of a disappointment to them,” Sirius smiled. “They’re already saturated in disappointment.”

Dorcas made a face. “How could any parent be disappointed in you? Honestly, you’re every parent’s fucking dream!”

“Ah, well that is a conversation for another day,” he laughed, eyes twinkling. He scratched at his head self deprecatingly.

“What about James’s Mum?” Marlene asked. “She doesn’t know?”

“Don’t think so.” Sirius shook his head. “That one does bother me a bit. I will tell her, but I figure I’ll wait till there’s something to tell; someone to take home and introduce her to.”

“Are you getting soft in your old age, Black? Thinking of settling down?” Marlene looked a little taken aback.

“Not exactly,” he smiled.

“God, that’s a relief. You’re not exactly boyfriend material, are you?” She waggled her eyebrows provocatively.

He looked affronted. “How very dare you? I’d be a great boyfriend. I’m very thoughtful and I always wear nice underwear, and I love giving head.”

Remus’s wine went down the wrong way and Sirius cocked his head with a smirk. “Alright there, Sailor?” This time, Remus was sure he knew what he was doing, with his wonky, infuriating, ridiculously kissable smile.

--

After three hours squeezed in the back of James’s Renault Clio with Sirius and Paddy, Remus was immeasurably glad when they reached the cottage and he could stretch his legs. Sirius had been asleep for the last hour and his hair was all ruffled on one side when he stepped out of the car, with a yawn that seemed to stretch from mouth to finger tips. As he yawned, his t-shirt rode up. Remus stared at the ground with all the commitment he could muster.

They were first to reach the cottage - Peter, Marlene and Dorcas had stopped for snacks enroute. Sirius and Remus were sharing a twin bedroom, the couples each had double beds, and Poor Peter would be on the sofa. The thought of being in such close quarters with Sirius for an entire week was both thrilling and terrifying to Remus’s addled mind.

Remus went to put his bags in the room and he groaned when he saw how close the two beds were together. No matter. He was going to enjoy the holiday, dammit, even if it killed him (which it might well).

--

Their first full day was warm and sunny, and they headed to the beach before the weather could change its mind. Remus took the strongest sunblock he could find and wore shorts and a linen shirt to keep cool. The gang assembled on the beach and Sirius and James quickly took to digging the biggest hole they could. Remus, Dorcas and Marlene lay on the beach on their towels, and Peter walked up and down the beach with Paddy, trying out the theory that girls would talk to him if he had a dog in tow. They did not.

James and Lily walked into the village just after lunch time to get Lily’s first film from her camera developed and so James could buy some toys. Sure enough, he came back with a cricket set, a nerf gun and three different footballs.

They played cricket on and off through the afternoon, and Sirius took it upon himself to teach Remus how to bowl. Now, sometimes it was easy to forget that Sirius had been to one of the most exclusive boarding schools in the country until he was nearly an adult, but on occasions like this where he made something as mind bogglingly complex as bowling a cricket ball look like childsplay, it was written all over him. Remus, on the other hand, had dedicated very little of his adolescence to developing his sporting prowess, unless you counted the jogging phase which lasted about as long as a haircut.

“No, you need to keep your arm straight,” Sirius laughed breathlessly at another of Remus’s attempts. “Look, come here, I’ll show you.” Then he was behind Remus, and he could feel his breath on his neck and his chest pressed against his back. Sirius grabbed his hands and began to move his arms in a windmill motion, slowly. “See?” he whispered.

He pulled away. “Now you just need to do it at full speed.”

Remus’s body had responded in a highly inappropriate, mortifying way at being in such close proximity to Sirius’s, and Remus had to turn around for a moment so that the thin fabric of his shorts didn’t give him away. Sirius didn’t seem to notice as he’d started lobbing the ball at James to catch from his reclined position on the sand.

When everything had died down, Remus clapped his hands together and held them up, asking for the ball. Sirius threw it to him and took to the stumps, bat in hand.

Remus did a full run up this time and tried to mimic the action Sirius had shown him with his arm as straight as he could manage. He aimed right at the wicket and as Sirius swung, the ball smashed right past his bat and knocked the bails clean to the sand.

“Wooooooo!” Sirius hollered and ran over to Remus, embracing him in a huge, consuming hug. “You fucking did it! I knew I was an amazing teacher!”

“Yes, yes, very good.” Remus pushed him away, rolling his eyes and ignoring the pang of longing that shot through him as he did. “Am I allowed to have a nice sit down now?”

“You may,” Sirius grinned, and he looked genuinely proud, and for some reason, that meant quite a lot.

--

In the evening, they explored the local pub scene, visiting three of the four pubs the village had to offer. At pub three, the conversation moved to marriage.

“I actually do believe in the institution of marriage,” Marlene rested back in her seat. “But I think it’s so easy and so common for it to become something oppressive and cruel. And to me there’s nothing more depressing than the thought of waking up after twenty years of marriage and realising I made a mistake. Or that I was fucking bored the whole time. Or worse, that the sex had dried up.”

“I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever feel is lacking if I don’t do it,” Dorcas said after a moment. “Like, I am not wholly opposed, I just don’t think I need a piece of paper to prove that I love someone.”

Remus had never been opposed to the idea of marriage, but like Dorcas, he never felt it was something that he had to have. He nodded along quietly as she spoke, but said nothing.

“We’ll get married,” James interjected, looking at Lily. “Not because we need to, but as a commitment to each other. I think there’s something important about saying that you won’t back out at the first sign of trouble.”

Remus nodded at that, too.

“I’d like to get married,” Sirius said after taking a sip from his pint. “I think... well, isn’t it the most optimistic thing you can do? To say I love you and I want to love you forever?”

“I’d marry you,” James grinned. “If I was into that sort of thing.”

“Thanks, man,” Sirius laughed. He glanced at Remus and took another sip.

--

The next day, they walked to a place three villages over where there was a mystical, remote pub called The Grampus. They brewed their own beer and it felt like a relic from another time. They sat in the beer garden which was large and sprawling. A man with a mullet picked at his guitar, playing Older Chests at a lilting pace. They lazed in dappled sun for a couple of hours, putting the world to rights.

“What’s that one song that makes you cry?” Lily asked. “Everyone has one.”

“James Blake’s cover of A case of you,” Remus said instantly. “Gets me every time.”

“Oh God!” Dorcas groaned. “Help me make it through the night, probably. It’s fucking savage.”

Marlene smiled to herself in thought. “The first cut is the deepest; the original by P.P. Arnold. Got me through a lot of teenage angst. What about you, Lils?”

“Tender by Blur, anything by David Gray, Skinny love; there are a million, but then I’m an emotional wreck. Pete?”

“Probably Burning benches by Morning Runner. Proper takes me back to my emo youth.”

“Deep,” James grinned. “Okay, we all know that I get a bit sniffly every time I hear Paolo Nutini’s version of Caledonia.”

“He does, it’s true. And I am distinctly not a crier,” Sirius announced. Remus glanced at him cynically. “Okay, I’m definitely a crier. And mine is Stranded by The Walkmen.”

“Oh, I love that song,” Remus mused.

“I know,” Sirius nodded quietly, and glanced towards the bar.

--

They went for another long walk on Wednesday, on rough coastal paths with hellish climbs and tricky descents. They felt the compulsion to compensate for the fact that Tuesday had brought rain, and a lot of it. They had stayed in the cottage from dawn till dusk playing board games and later, playing beer pong. Sirius was reigning champion of both Scrabble and beer pong, and really, none of it was fair. So at the first whiff of a dry day, they had shot out of the house early and tackled an ambitious walk full of hill climbs and heart stopping views.

When they returned to the cottage, Remus made the mistake of not staying stood up all night. To say he was stiff from the walk was an understatement, and he knew instantly from the groaning in his glutes that taking a moment to lie down on the bed was a fatal error. This became even clearer when Sirius opened the door to their room and Remus tried to sit up.

“Yup, I thought so. I’m dead. This is why exercise is bad for you. I’ve been telling you for years but you didn’t believe me.” Remus managed to sit up but it confirmed his suspicion that his bottom was definitely broken.

Sirius grinned at him. “We’ll have a lazy day tomorrow, yeah?”

Remus nodded.

“Dorcas is making chilli. It shouldn’t be too long.” Sirius grabbed a clean t-shirt from his holdall and quickly changed while Remus stared resolutely at his phone. After Sirius had gone back outside, Remus also freshened up, putting on a plain black t-shirt and a grey cardigan. He tried to stop his hair from doing that thing it did, but gave up after two attempts and went to join the others in the garden.

James opened him a beer which he gratefully accepted. He sat, taking in the sunset, letting the breeze wash over him. Surrounded by his favourite people, in a place where life slowed down, everything was pretty perfect, despite his aching arse. Sirius caught his eye from across the table and held his gaze for just a little bit too long before launching into a discussion with Lily.

Dinner was served a short while later, but a couple of bites in, it was clear that the meal was so spicy it was pretty much inedible. Poor Dorcas spent the next couple of hours apologising to anyone who would listen. Sirius fared better than the others due to the extensive practice he had put in through his hot sauce fandom, but even he gave up after soldiering through half his plate.

So instead, they ate half their weight in crisps, and drank beer liberally. So liberally, in fact, that Remus failed to notice that the evening had become supremely chilly, and he was freezing his arse off. He didn’t really notice quite how cold he was until he and Sirius went to bed and he lay violently shivering, trying and failing to warm up by putting on three pairs of socks and two jumpers. Twenty minutes or so passed where he could think of nothing but his probable frostbite, and he was beginning to wonder how he would ever get to sleep.

“Will you just get in?” Sirius asked eventually.

Remus switched the light on and Sirius patted his mattress, shuffling towards the wall to give Remus space to get in.

“I’m not going to fit!” Remus laughed.

“Remus, my arse is generous but it’s not that big. Come on, you’ll get a chill.” He lifted the duvet up and Remus didn’t even think twice about clambering in. The single bed meant that there was no choice but to tessellate with Sirius so that his back lined up with Sirius’s front. Sirius was so warm, and Remus felt himself thawing as Sirius rubbed his hand briskly up and down his arm to warm him up.

“Better?” he asked.

“Getting there,” Remus nodded.

Sirius stopped his movements, yawned and snuggled in behind Remus. “Good. Sleep well, Re,” he whispered, and soon he was breathing heavily into the pillow they shared.

--

They hadn’t thought to close the curtains the night before, so Remus was woken early by sun streaming onto his face. Sirius was still tucked snugly behind him, and this time, there was no concern on Remus’s part about whether they had crossed a line. The lines had become so blurred that he genuinely didn’t care anymore. Over analysing everything was draining and unsustainable. Besides, he was warm and comfortable, and in no rush to get out of Sirius’s bed. In no rush, that was, until the bedroom door banged open and James stood in the doorway, holding Paddy by his lead.

“Your dog needs a wee,” he smirked, dropping the lead and barely even blinking at finding his friends in the same bed.

Once he had gone, Sirius stretched beside him. “Did you sleep?” he asked, poking Remus in the side and making him squirm.

“Yeah, I did. How about you?”

“Like a log,” Sirius hummed.

--

It was another beach day, interspersed with trips to the beachfront arcade, where they spunked all their money playing various arcade games. Sirius and James engaged in a battle to the death shooting basketballs into tiny little hoops in exchange for arcade tickets that they cashed in for crappy plastic toys and a water pistol which Sirius promptly filled with sea water and rudely woke Peter up from his nap by spraying in him the face, cackling and running away.

As they all finished their afternoon ice cream, Sirius suggested that they go body boarding in the sea. The surf was perfect and everyone had got a little too warm in the sun. Remus had successfully managed to avoid exposing his abdomen thus far, and felt uncomfortable at the thought of his time running out. Sirius, who was wearing a long sleeved rash vest, glanced over at him and they had an entire conversation without saying a word. He took off the vest and handed it to Remus with a little smile, then led the troops to the sea while Remus changed his top in peace.

And that was the thing about Sirius; he was more thoughtful than anyone else he knew. They had been together pretty much twenty four hours a day since they got to Devon, yet Sirius still sought out his company, still thought of little things that would help him out or make him happy, and Remus wondered if he would ever tire of Sirius’s company. It felt unlikely.

He joined them in the sea.

--

That night, after an impromptu barbecue, they found themselves in the village’s as yet unexplored fourth pub. It was the type of establishment where someone new walked in and everyone turned around; a locals’ pub to the last. Except, on Thursdays, it was a locals’ pub with karaoke, and therefore it was worth exploring, according to Sirius, whose love of karaoke would surely stay with him till death.

“Blimey,” Marlene gasped on seeing Remus’s nose, which had been victim to an unfortunate sunburn incident. “Your nose is... erm.”

“Incinerated,” Remus nodded ruefully. “I was wearing sunblock but it’s like a fucking beacon.”

The barmaid was the first to step up to the mic with an enthusiastic, slightly flat Dolly Parton. All the old men at the bar leered throughout, and it was all a bit seedy.

James, unperturbed by the unfamiliar location and palpably hostile atmosphere, took to the mic embarrassingly early and delivered a smashing rendition of The Winner Takes it all, which was difficult for anyone to follow. Marlene followed suit with a stomping delivery of Beyonce’s Countdown, and Lily and Dorcas did an Achy Breaky Heart that would have rendered anyone speechless (the leering men loved that one).

Sirius cut a striking figure at the best of times. When he had a tan and a tight t-shirt on, even more so. Several pub-dwellers turned around to see what this pretty boy could do as he took the mic.

Sirius winked at Remus as a familiar intro filled the bar, and as he started singing, multiple people joined in, smiling:

“This bed is on fire with passionate love. The neighbours complain about the noises above, but she only comes when she’s on top.”

He started wiggling his hips in time to the music and the punters started clapping along.

“My therapist said not to see you no more, she said you’re like a disease without any cure. She said I’m so obsessed that I’m becoming a bore. Oh you think you’re so pretty.”

Everyone started singing, led by James and Remus.

“Caught your hand inside the till, slammed your fingers in the door, fought with kitchen knives and skewers. Dressed me up in women's clothes, messed around with gender roles, line my eyes and call me pretty.”

By the final lines, the whole pub was howling along:

“Laaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid. Laaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiid!”

Sirius did a final few arse wiggles to the outro and took his bow to whoops and cheers. And that is how they entered the inner sanctum of The Manor Inn, the least welcoming place in the village. They stayed until close.

--

The next morning, Remus awoke to the smell of Sirius Black Signature Pancakes. It was their last full day, and he intended to put every second of it to good use. He showered, shaved, and made himself look half respectable. His burnt nose throbbed a little as he moisturised the hell out of it. The last thing he wanted was for it to start peeling.

It was a grey day so they headed out and played miniature golf and ate chips from the cone on benches that overlooked the sea. It was the perfect relaxed final day, and Remus’s favourite of the week.

The gang had decided before they came away that they would have one night where they would dress formally and make an effort. So when dusk fell, they all put their gladrags on and dined extravagantly on antipasti and expensive cheese. Even Paddy had his own little bow tie, which was pretty adorable. Sirius wore a suit like it was what he was born to do, and Remus, by contrast, felt fidgety and stiff in his shirt and tie.

When he went out to the terrace, Sirius eyed him and made a little noise in the back of his throat, which Remus pretended he hadn’t heard.

“Right, folks, now we’re all here. We have six bottles of wine left. There are seven of us. So every man needs to do his bit,” James announced, taking a large gulp of pinot for emphasis. “Mission Get Crunk is go!”

Everyone groaned but dutifully poured themselves a glass.

“Guys, I got the first lot of photos developed!” Lily slapped an envelope on the table. “Pass them around. I think there are some vintage ones in there.”

The envelope made its way around the group, first to James, then Marlene, then Sirius, and people kept looking knowingly at Remus as they sifted through the photos. He was distinctly irritated by their mysticism by the time it came his way.

He took the photographs from Marlene and began to sift his way through. He smiled as he looked at the first one which showed he and Sirius sat on the clifftop bench on the Gower where Sirius was laughing at his hungover plight. Another showed Sirius in February, wearing one of Remus’s shirts and looking intently at him from across the lounge as he told a story. Then, on Remus’s birthday, Sirius scowling as Remus and Nolan cuddled on the sofa. Then two taken most recently, of the two of them that Sunday on the beach. The first showed Sirius and Remus sitting side by side with Paddy sat between them. Remus had his hands rested on his knees and was laughing, looking down at the sand. Sirius was grinning at him with an expression that made Remus’s hair stand on end. The second was of Sirius bowling a ball at breakneck speed towards Remus who was ducking but laughing. They looked like the picture of contentment; like a family, really.

A flare of yearning shot through Remus and it threatened to undo him. He looked at Sirius, who was even lovelier than his photos, sat quietly sipping at his wine. He looked a little panicky, like a man who had just been found out.

Remus passed the photos onto Peter and shoved a piece of bread into his mouth that was too big to chew. Anything to keep him from saying the wrong thing.

“I’m just going to take Paddy round the block,” he croaked, once he had swallowed.

“I’ll come with you,” James proclaimed loudly.

They trundled down the lane together, not speaking.

“What’s up?” James asked eventually.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you are blushing like a little girl and you and Sirius seem to have been creeping around each other all week. And then there’s the whole bed sharing thing which apparently Black is not willing to talk about, and ‘just drop it will you, James?’.”

Remus looked at the ground. “What would you have done if Lily hadn’t realised she liked you?”

James hummed. “Hard to know. I’d have pined for an embarrassingly long time. Then I think I would have had to let it lie; let her be with someone else.”

Remus thought about this. “I don’t want him to be with anyone else.”

James laughed. “Okay, I can tell you for certain that he has no idea that’s the case. Maybe it’s him you should be telling.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You’ve seen those photos. Do you think he’d say no?”

Remus was buzzing. “What if it all goes horribly wrong? I mean, we’re polar opposites. He’s all heart and I’m all head.”

James shrugged. “Remus, what if it all goes brilliantly right?”

It was the wisest thing Remus could remember him saying, and for once, he had no answer.

They rounded the corner which brought the cottage back in sight and the laughter of the group fluttered towards them. Sirius was smoking a cigarette, apparently lost in thought while Peter ran through bands that were coming to Cardiff in the next few months, trying to reach a consensus on which they would see.

Remus pulled up the chair next to Sirius. “Can I have one please?”

Sirius smiled softly and expertly rolled one for Remus. Watching him lick along the Rizla felt almost voyeuristic. As Sirius handed him the cigarette, Remus let their hands brush together slowly, deliberately and let himself hold his gaze with a little smile. Because what if it all went brilliantly right?

James told a story about work and Sirius’s thigh was touching Remus’s. He wasn’t sure if he was aware, but if he was, he certainly wasn’t pulling away. And Remus wanted him. He wanted it all.

They had polished off the wine and moved onto the loud, sweary, crude part of the night. The place was so devoid of light pollution that you could see the outlines of distant galaxies and the stars were startlingly bright. Remus gazed up at the night sky, which began to tilt and spin.

He felt a firm, warm hand on his shoulder and Sirius’s wonderful, slightly blurry face replaced the galaxies in his line of vision. “Coming to bed?”

Remus’s breath hitched at that and he nodded. Sirius led him back to the cottage by the hand. Then they were in the bedroom and Sirius closed the door behind him with a click. And they were stood so very close together.

“You look great in a tie,” Sirius’s eyes were bright, brighter than those sodding stars, even, and Remus was undone. He brushed a loose strand of hair from Remus’s forehead with two fingers and Remus closed his eyes against his touch. He lost his balance, stumbled, and Sirius held him steady with firm hands. “Woah.” A flash of something that looked an awful lot like disappointment crossed his face. “Come on, you’re tipsy. Let’s get you to bed.”

He undid Remus’s tie for him and sat him down on the bed. He clambered into his own bed and turned to face the wall while Remus undressed.

--

Sirius was catching the first train the next morning. His plan was to walk to the station alone, but as soon as he got in the shower, Remus got dressed and got the dog ready to join them. When Sirius emerged, he smiled and said he would be glad of the company.

The walk to the train station was conducted in complete silence. Remus had the childish feeling that he didn’t want the holiday to end. Because as long as they were here, normal rules did not apply. As long as they were here, there was room for the odd swelling of optimism that had taken up residence in his gut; the same optimism that meant that he didn’t have the appetite for his cone of chips earlier that day; the same optimism that had prevented him from getting a good night’s sleep every night he had not shared Sirius’s bed.

As they walked, Sirius felt agonisingly close. Remus felt like his skin was on fire and it took every inch of self restraint he had left not to reach out and grab at him like some hopeless groupie.

They neared the station and Remus felt each minute fall away until Sirius’s train was due.

The platform was full of families and couples. They picked an empty-ish spot and Remus glanced at the clock. They had three minutes.

“Are you sure you have to go?” Remus asked, looking at his feet.

Sirius looked at him with a careful expression. “Yes, yeah I’m sure. But I’ll be back before you know it, yeah?”

Remus didn’t say anything. The entire week had felt like the crescendo of the slow, insidious onset of something important and sacred. And now he had no clue what to do, but the literal clock was ticking, and if not now, it firmly felt like it was never.

“I don’t think you should go out with Emil.” Remus blurted out the words before he could give them much thought at all. They sounded juvenile and rash, but he did mean them, and he supposed that was what mattered.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at him. “Okay.” His face was pure amusement. “Okay, I won’t go out with Emil. Can I ask why?”

“You can,” Remus nodded. “I’ve had a realisation.” He swallowed. “Oh God, here it goes.” He swallowed. “I like you. As more than a friend.” Remus spoke quickly and his voice didn’t shake. He was brave enough to make eye contact, but instantly wished he hadn’t when he registered the sheer shock on Sirius’s face. “And sometimes, I think you feel the same. But then sometimes I have no fucking clue. I don’t... know how you feel.” He hauled in a deep breath. “How do you feel, Sirius?”

Sirius stared at him, eyes wider than saucers, and it was his turn to nervously look at the clock, then back at Remus. A solemn, determined look furrowed his brow and he stepped forwards towards him. He reached out slowly, carefully, and laced Remus’s fingers with his own. He leaned forwards and pressed their foreheads together. “You must know,” he whispered, after what felt like a lifetime. “Surely you must know.” Remus could smell his cologne and the deeper scent of his shower gel and his skin. He swallowed. And he nodded: a tiny gesture against Sirius’s forehead. Because with the expression on Sirius’s face as clear and readable as it was, and after seeing those lovely photos, for the very first time, he did know. How could he not know?

He pulled away from Sirius but kept their fingers entangled. He didn’t know what to say, so he voiced his overarching emotion. “I’m so worried, Sirius. I’m worried that if we go for this, we’d jeopardise all the brilliant stuff we already have.”

Sirius didn’t smile. He didn’t laugh. His lips parted and he looked almost desperate. He squeezed Remus’s hand, and when he spoke, his voice came out hoarse and unsure. “Remus, I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared shitless. And God, if you’re looking for certainty that we won’t make a total pig’s ear of this, I can’t really give you that because we’re a fucking shambles. All I know is that if a day doesn’t have you in it, it isn’t a good day. And I spend an embarrassing amount of my time thinking what it would be like to kiss you. And I think it means something.”

He broke eye contact and stared off into the distance for a moment, then back at him with an urgency he’d not seen before. “Look, Remus, I’m going away for two weeks, and maybe that’s a good thing. It’ll give you space and time to think and work out what you’re feeling and what you want. And we can text and talk but we’ll keep it light, yeah? The last thing I want is you sitting at home and fretting about all this. Okay”

Remus looked back at him. “Okay.”

Sirius was still so close and looked at him with more reverence and... well, love, than Remus had ever thought possible. And he closed the gap between them with the softest, gentlest kiss Remus had ever had; an agonisingly delicate brushing of lips that was over far too soon when Sirius pulled away.

“Sorry,” Sirius smiled a furtive smile which was pretty fucking endearing. “Moment of weakness.” The train rounded the corner and began to pull into the platform.

He looked at Remus again, as if he was trying to memorise every tiny detail of his face; as if he thought the face was particularly marvellous. One corner of his mouth quirked up, and he let go of Remus’s hand, turned and boarded the train with a little wave.

Remus waved back and watched the train leave. As Paddy pulled on his lead and they walked up the steps to leave the station, he finally indulged himself in an uninhibited, all-consuming grin.

The next two weeks were going to be utter torture.

--

He went to see Nolan the moment they got back to Cardiff. They met in a coffee shop and Remus broke the news with as few frills as possible, knowing that it was better to be dumped without the flowery bullshit around it.

“It’s Sirius, isn’t it?” Nolan asked after a moment, a little sadly. “You’ve realised.”

“I’ve realised,” Remus nodded, smiling ruefully. “I’m really sorry. I very much enjoyed going out with you,” he added a little lamely.

Nolan smiled again. He opened his mouth to speak and closed it again. “You’re really lovely, you know that right?” he said eventually.

Remus smiled and shrugged.

“I like you, Remus. I mean, it’s okay, I understand. And forgive me for sounding like a, what would Sirius say, massive wanker?” The phrase sounded funny coming out of the American’s mouth and Remus couldn’t help but laugh. “But I’m just glad it’s happening now. Because I would definitely have fallen hard for you. And I hope he knows how good he’s got it, if it’s him you’re choosing.”

“Thank you,” Remus said quietly. “I think he would tell you that he knows.”

Chapter 9: May

Notes:

Hi there - this chapter is a smutty one. You have been warned.

Hope everyone is doing okay during lockdown. I, like Sirius, am losing my tiny little mind.

Remus had been waiting for Sirius, and knew he was on his way, so he wasn’t sure why he was surprised at the sound of keys turning in the door. Paddy was up in a millisecond and Remus listened as he leapt at Sirius, completely beside himself.

“Fucking hell, Pads. What’s he been feeding you? Were you always this heavy?” Sirius’s voice echoed through the house and Remus found himself unsure what to do with himself.

He lifted himself out of the armchair in the lounge and stepped into the bright, airy hall.

“Hi.” He found himself smiling as he watched Sirius brace himself on the doorframe, almost overcome by Paddy’s untempered welcome. He was ridiculously tanned and his hair looked longer. He wore a fitted t-shirt that almost exactly matched the soft grey of his eyes and he looked good. Really good.

Sirius looked up and smiled nervously. “Hi there.” He licked his lips and mussed Paddy one final time before looking straight at Remus. “I missed you.”

Remus covered the space between them in two steps and his lips were on Sirius’s before he could talk himself out of it. Sirius’s response was instant. He pulled Remus tight into his body and wrapped his large, firm hands around his waist. Remus snaked his hand into Sirius’s hair, which was pillow soft and Sirius kissed into his mouth slowly, surely, like they had all the time in the world.

Remus jutted his hips forward and Sirius made a low, animal sound in the back of his throat as he pressed into him. It was maybe the best sound Remus had ever heard. Sirius pulled away and started kissing at his neck; softly at first, but then, spurred on by the nosies Remus was making, with teeth and tongue, sucking and biting softly on the velvety smooth skin there.

Remus felt like he was being taken apart. And all that yearning he had been harbouring for the last few months had reached its almost unbearable pinnacle. Most of it was pooled in his boxers, and he was slightly concerned that if Sirius moved his hips against his like that one more time, he would come there and then, in his pants like in a bad teen movie. Sirius moved one hand down to clutch at his arse and the other landed in the hair at the nape of his neck as his mouth found Remus’s once more.

And if his first kiss with Sirius had been careful and chaste, this was perhaps the opposite. This was hungry and hot, with a little too much tongue and far more roaming hands. Sirius brought his hands to the hem of Remus’s jumper and his fingers edged under the hem, running over soft, imperfect, sensitive skin.

Remus moaned into Sirius’s mouth as Sirius yanked the jumper and the t-shirt underneath off and let them fall to the floor. He sought out Remus’s mouth again as he ran his hands up and down Remus’s sides in firm, confident strokes. Remus, wanting to redress the balance, tugged at the hem of Sirius’s t-shirt, making it perfectly clear that he wanted it gone. Sirius pulled it over his head in one clean motion and ran his eyes over Remus’s face, his shoulders, his torso, then lower, to the bulge in his jeans. He hummed appreciatively and pressed back into him, rocking his hips in a way that made Remus think his legs might fall out from underneath him.

Taking matters into his own hands, Remus frantically pulled at the button on Sirius’s jeans and slid the zip down, licking into Sirius’s mouth and running his hand down his chest, ghosting over his taught stomach and into his pants. Sirius was rock hard and the noise he made as Remus found skin was verging on obscene. Remus clasped his hand around Sirius’s cock and with tight strokes, began to bring him to the edge. Sirius backed himself into the support of the doorframe and broke away from Remus’s mouth to look down at his hand wrapped around him, which prompted him to throw his head back in pleasure.

He growled and unzipped Remus’s jeans, mirroring what was being done to him, sliding a hand into his boxers and freeing his dick. He stroked him urgently, expertly, and in no time at all, Remus was close.

“Fuck, Sirius I’m gonna, fuck.” He came blindingly hard into Sirius’s hand, burying his head in his shoulder as he did. Sirius was close and Remus focused his attentions on bringing him to the brink. His breathing was ragged and it stopped altogether as he kissed into Remus’s hair, cried out and warmth spilled onto Remus’s hand.

They stood, breathing into each other for a minute or so. Sirius carded his hand through Remus’s hair and kissed delicately at the exposed skin just below his ear. “Okay?” he asked.

“More than okay,” Remus whispered. He straightened up and looked at Sirius with what he knew was a hopelessly sappy smile. “Welcome home.”

Sirius quirked an eyebrow. “You’ve set a precedent now. This is how I’d like to be greeted every time I step over the threshold from now on, please.”

Remus smiled, looked down sheepishly and tucked himself back into his pants. “Sorry about that. You’d barely put your bag down.”

“Remus, if I told you that what just happened was a better version of the only thing I could think about for the last two weeks, would that help?” Sirius zipped himself up.

“Yeah, probably.” He caught his eye and felt totally overwhelmed by the reality of the man that stood before him. “Do you know what’s weird? That wasn’t weird.”

“I know.” Sirius laughed a little nervously. His eyes were hopeful and smiley. “I don’t know the rules, though. Can I do this?” he asked, leaning into Remus and kissing him firmly, a hand pressed to his lower back as he did. He pulled away and smiled, almost shyly.

Remus felt a little bit speechless, so he just stood and nodded, touching at his lips after Sirius had pulled away.

“Good.” Sirius smiled widely and spanked him on the arse. “Shall we have a cuppa then?” He picked up his t-shirt off the floor and threw it on. Remus stooped down to pick up his own muddle of tops and pulled his t-shirt from his jumper, slipping into it. He followed Sirius into the kitchen where he was rinsing his hands in the sink. He filled the kettle and reached for two cups as the water boiled. Remus washed his own hands then glanced over. The jeans Sirius was wearing hugged his bum and Remus took a moment to appreciate the sight before him before he sidled up to him and snaked his hands around his waist. Sirius turned around in Remus’s arms and his face bloomed into an inane grin.

“I like you,” Sirius said, after a moment scanning Remus’s eyes, running his hands up slowly and down his sides.

“I like you too.” Remus thought his mouth might fall off from all the smiling. “I like you so much it’s a bit embarrassing.”

Sirius laughed through his nose and quirked an eyebrow. “I’m way past that point.”

Remus felt a rush of adrenaline as he started thinking about how he was going to show Sirius just how much he liked him later that evening. “So I need to hear all about this hop fest. Did you make any friends?” He released Sirius so he could finish the drinks.

Sirius groaned dramatically. “It was torture. It turns out that I am not one for camping. I got about two hours’ sleep every night and the shower was cold and I swear my back is a little bit permanently damaged.” He handed Remus his tea. “Plus, I honestly didn’t stop thinking about you the whole time.”

Remus’s heart pinged at that. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” he smiled meekly.

“Pfft, the heart was already fond! Absence made the heart grow sad and a little bit horny.”

Remus snorted. “You’re a poet.” He took a seat at the table and Sirius followed.

“I met loads of cool people, but talking to you really was the best bit of every day. So there - that’s your poetry.” He took a long sip of coffee. “God, perfect coffee. I can’t even remember the last time I had proper coffee.”

Remus thought of the thrill he got from the contact they’d had while Sirius was away. Every time they spoke, it was like they became a little bit surer of what would happen once Sirius got back; what they weren’t sure of when they said goodbye on the station platform. Their conversations were easy but laced with the promise of an exciting reunion. By the time Sirius had got back, things really could have only gone one way.

He had told Sirius that he had broken things off with Nolan on the day it happened, determined that there should be no confusion about where his intentions lay. That first phone call started awkwardly as they made small talk, but when Remus told him, he could hear the smile in his voice:

“Oh,” he’d said a little breathlessly. “I’m... sorry.”

“No you’re not,” Remus had scoffed.

“No, I’m not.” Sirius had agreed with a little laugh.

From there, the phone calls had got easier and easier, and by the time Sirius was on his way back, Remus’s anxiety and worry had faded and given way to a lighter sense of anticipation that thrummed through him and tainted his every thought. So when he had seen him standing there, every bit as sexy and exciting as his (very active) imagination had led him to remember, the decision to kiss him was never really in doubt. And kissing him was magnificent. Honestly, he should have done it years ago.

And now here they were, sitting at their table, drinking their drinks, and everything was the same as it ever was. Except it wasn’t. Except they had crossed the line of no return, and it was terrifying and glorious. There was so much for them to talk about, so much navigating and exploring to be done, so many agreements to make and boundaries to set.

But for now they sat at their table and drank their drinks, exchanging the occasional silly smile.

--

“So what are we talking about here, a couple of years?” Remus asked later that evening as they walked the dog through the park.

“Longer.” Sirius’s hands were in his pockets and his neck flushed slightly pink.

“So like three or four?” Remus turned to face him.

“Oh God, you silly prick. What I’m trying to say is that I liked you from the moment I met you. And I didn’t parade my sexuality around because I wasn’t fucking interested in anyone but you. Okay?” By now, his neck was scarlet and he was getting all fidgety.

“What?” Remus stopped and looked at him like he was orchestrating some intricate wind up. “But that was... it’s been... years?”

“Six years.”

“But that’s... that’s... we were kids, Sirius.”

“Yup. Since you walked into our flat in first year. Remember? Your mum was fussing around you and you rolled your eyes at me? You were wearing that God awful jumper and you were just the loveliest, funniest thing I’d ever seen. I swear, I felt my stomach drop out of my arse.” He looked over. “No offence.”

Remus huffed. “Do I need to explain again what Crohn’s is?”

Sirius smiled wonkily. “But the point is, I have spent all of my adult life trying not to shag you. And I could play it cool and pretend otherwise, but I want you to know. And I don’t want to fuel your inevitable anxiety about whether we’re on the same page or not; whether I want to be your boyfriend. Which I do, please, for the record. If you’ll have me.”

Remus felt a little bit unsteady. He wasn’t sure why he had expected Sirius to be any less direct than he was in all other areas of his life. But to hear that his favourite person wanted him, wanted it all with him, was enough to leave him struggling for words. They ambled through the park, lit gold by the setting sun.

“I’ll have you,” Remus said quietly, minutes later. He reminded himself never to forget the look on Sirius’s face as he heard the words, all humility and quiet relief, and gorgeous. So gorgeous that he grabbed him around the waist and kissed him soundly, right in the middle of the park.

When he pulled away, Sirius’s eyes were closed and he slowly opened them, dazed and smiley. “Can I take you for a drink?” he asked.

“Good lord, yes.”

They approached the pub where the regulars now knew Paddy by name. Sirius went to the bar as Remus tucked himself into a dark corner with the dog. Sirius came back with a bottle of red wine and two glasses. Remus knew at a glance that the wine wasn’t cheap.

Sirius sidled into the booth opposite him and poured Remus a glass. In the dim light, his face was cast in shadow but his eyes shone bright. “So, your turn. When did you realise?” He asked.

“What, that I wanted more?” Remus asked and Sirius gave a curt nod. “It was pretty gradual. But January was when I noticed old feelings popping up to say hello.”

Sirius’s mouth twisted at the side. “Speaking of the old feelings. I can’t believe you liked me way back then. You liked me and I liked you and neither of us said a word. Oh god, Re. All this time we could have been together! And I had to just sit back and see you with all those fancy foreign men.”

“Two foreign men,” Remus corrected.

“Don’t think I don’t know that you hooked up with hot Johannes in first year.”

Remus felt himself blushing. “Oh yes. Three foreign men.”

“Three foreign men and the professor. It’s like a riddle.”

Remus grinned. “So why did you never say something?”

Sirius sighed, tucking his hair behind his ear. “I did try. God, so many times. I practically spent all of first year making eyes at you on your bed but you didn’t get the hint.”

Remus laughed incredulously. “I thought you were just like that. It was fucking torture, for the record.”

“Wasn’t like that with anyone else, though, was I?”

“No, come to think of it.”

“Remember when you came out to me? I left the room and actually did a little victory dance. It was immense; you should have seen it, really. And then... I don’t know. I lost my bottle, I suppose. By then, you mattered too much and I didn’t want to make a clumsy move and make you feel awkward about it afterwards.” He eyed his glass. “Then Marco happened and I wanted you happy, which ultimately was more important than just wanting you.” He shrugged, running a hand through his hair. “And then the swine fucked you over and I started letting myself think about it again.”

Remus looked at him and his heart broke a little bit to think about how much he paraded his relationship with Marco in front of Sirius over the years; how un-single he had been for much of the time they had been friends. He slid his hand across the table where Sirius’s open palm was waiting and he brushed a thumb over the velvet soft skin of his wrist.

Sirius looked at their hands for a moment, then up at Remus, pleased and sort of... shy.

Remus thought back over the last few months and allowed innocuous moments to swell with significance: a held hand on a hospital ward; a glare directed at a new love interest; a hushed kitchen conversation.

“You were talking about me,” Remus said hoarsely.

“Hmm?”

“That day in the kitchen, after my birthday, when you were talking to Lily and James. You said it was time to put it to bed.”

“Oh. You did hear, you cheeky scoundrel! Yeah, I was feeling morose at best that day, to be honest. Annoyingly, I liked Nolan and I thought I’d missed my chance again. You were all cuddly with him on the sofa and I just... the air had gone out of me a bit, I guess.”

Remus nodded. “And then all that talk about waiting. And Emil.”

Sirius took a long hard gulp of wine. “Yeah. I thought it was time to grow the fuck up and stop pining. He’s great, and I thought maybe he was just what I needed. But I just wanted any sign from you that there was something worth holding on for.”

“So what did it?”

“Your beach boner when I was teaching you how to bowl,” Sirius shot him a devilish grin and Remus wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

“If I deny it, will that get me anywhere?”

“It will not.”

“Shit.” Remus gave a sheepish smile. “And on the Friday, when we all dressed up, were you going to kiss me?”

“Fuck yeah. Turns out you in a tie is my Kryptonite. Honestly, it shouldn’t be allowed. And after a week of sharing a room with you, I was more than ready to pull my head out of my arse and just fucking go for it. But then you were sloshed and I didn’t want to be a sleazebag.”

“Would you have gone to Cornwall without saying anything?”

Sirius gave this some thought. “Not sure. In my head, there was a passionate embrace on the cards. But then it wouldn’t be the first time I’d pussied out. Luckily, you started rambling about feelings and stuff, which made it an awful lot easier.” He traced lazy patterns on the back of Remus’s hand with a calloused finger.

“I don’t know if I’d’ve had the balls if you weren’t going away. It upped the ante.”

“I’m immeasurably glad you did.” He linked his fingers with Remus’s and looked at him with intense eyes that caught Remus somewhere south of his belly button.

“Wh-- what do you say about popping the lid on this wine and finishing it at home?” Remus’s voice was scratchy.

“I say aye,” Sirius winked and Remus had to wait a moment before he stood up because of his definite hard on. Sirius screwed the lid on the bottle and gestured towards the door.

They walked home hand in hand. Sirius brushed light strokes over Remus’s hand as they walked and Remus shivered with anticipation. As they reached the front door, he was already half hard, and Remus didn’t want to mess around. He walked straight to Sirius’s room, pausing in the doorway and raising an eyebrow. Sirius stood and watched him. Remus saw his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed and he walked slowly in his direction. Remus turned to walk into the room but Sirius’s arms wrapped around his waist and held him in place as he pressed his entire front to his back. He could feel his erection grazing against his bottom, and Remus let out a moan before he could think to muffle it. Sirius lapped wet kisses at his neck and his hand travelled down his stomach, to his hard cock.

Determined not to give into another hallway fumbling, Remus prised Sirius’s hand off him and led him into the room. He always loved Sirius’s room: loved the posters and the clutter and the smell. And as he sat on the bed, he loved the sight of Sirius stood before him, yearning and hard, and his. He shivered with excitement and reached out to palm Sirius’s firm stomach under his t-shirt. It was Sirius’s turn to shiver, now, as he leaned forward to kiss Remus, sliding his tongue into his mouth. He was shaking, Remus noticed, and he supposed that despite the bravado, he was just as nervous as he was.

“You’re going to see me naked,” Remus said redundantly. “There’s no going back after this, so... are you sure?”

Sirius eyed him carefully, pupils blown huge with desire. “There’s already no going back,” he whispered, and straddled Remus, one knee either side of his thighs on the bed. He took Remus’s face in his hands and ran a thumb along his cheekbone. “God, you’re-- why would I ever want to go back?” He closed the gap between them with a kiss that was shaky but resolute, and the firm press of his mouth was all that Remus needed to be sure. He sat down into Remus’s lap, eliciting a strangled moan as his arse brushed Remus’s dick and he kept stroking his face, slowly, reverently.

Remus was harder than he ever remembered being, and he needed so much more. He tugged at Sirius’s top and broke the kiss to lift it clean off him. And he took a moment to take him in. He was beautiful, bare in more ways than one, pink lips parted and swollen. Remus removed his own t-shirt and his lips found Sirius’s again, their torsos pressed together as his hands moved over the taught muscles in Sirius’s back.

Sirius was loudly appreciative: every time Remus shifted beneath him or touched a new, sensitive patch of skin, he squirmed and moaned. Remus, his captive audience, appreciated every breath, every groan, because he had made it happen. When Remus took a hard nipple between his teeth, he thought that Sirius might shoot off his lap altogether, back arched and head thrown back. Remus bit gently, then licked at the skin made red by his teeth, before moving to the other side and delivering the same treatment. Somehow, he had known Sirius would be a nipple man, he thought fleetingly.

He could feel the hard press of Sirius’s dick against his stomach, and he took great pleasure in relinquishing it from his trousers and boxers as he tugged them down, just enough that all of him was in view. He licked his lips and looked up at Sirius who laughed softly. “See what you do to me?” he whispered.

Remus said nothing but pressed hot, wet kisses to Sirius’s neck as he stroked the delicate skin of his exposed cock. Sirius made a noise that was all the proof Remus needed that he was just as into this as he was.

“Mmph, not fair. Want to see all of you. Want all of you,” Sirius panted in Remus’s ear and his dick gave an almost painful twitch against his still zipped trousers. Sirius reached down to Remus’s trousers and artfully popped them open. He clambered off Remus’s lap and slid his own trousers off, leaving him completely naked. He knelt on the floor and reached behind Remus to pull his trousers down, leaving them to pool on the carpet.

Remus wore no clothes, but he didn’t feel all that self conscious with Sirius looking up at him like he was dessert. And then, Sirius was pressing kisses to him: to his thighs and so low on his abdomen, and then excruciatingly softly to his dick. Remus whimpered as Sirius’s tongue ghosted over his balls, then more firmly along his shaft. He settled himself between his legs, getting comfortable. He sucked a kiss to the head and lapped at him, slowly, each lick taking him apart. Remus arched his back and silently willed Sirius to take him in his mouth. Ever the mind reader, Sirius greedily took him right to the back of his throat. He clutched at Remus’s arse and Remus lost the power of any sentient thought. Sirius went to town on him, tasting and licking him with pure enthusiasm and eyes full of lust. When they made eye contact, Remus thought that he would lose the battle against his building orgasm but Sirius pulled away just in time.

Remus pulled him up and towards him and relished the press of their bodies and the sweet brush of their sensitive cocks. Sirius gasped as they rubbed together and Remus had never wanted anything more. He rolled Sirius over to lie on his back on the bed, hard dick resting on his stomach and eyeing Remus, licking his lips. Remus lowered himself until he was so close to Sirius’s dick that he could smell the heat from it. He licked his balls, licked even lower, down until his lips were pressed against his entrance and Sirius, gasping, pulled at his hair as Remus’s tongue brushed there. Remus reached a hand around Sirius’ erection and stroked lightly as the kisses and licks became firmer. He had thought about this, dreamed of it during nights when he couldn’t sleep, but this was better. This was so much better.

Remus licked his thumb and eased it into Sirius, slowly, delighting in the sight of the tanned, toned man writhing on the bed.

“God, I want to fuck you,” Remus panted into Sirius’s thigh.

“Then fuck me,” Sirius grinned at him. Remus twisted his thumb which wiped the smile off his face. “Nghh, please fuck me.”

“Shh, patience,” Remus grinned. “Lube?” Sirius fumbled towards the bedside table and threw a tube his way.

Remus squeezed out some cool liquid onto his middle and index fingers. He climbed up Sirius’s stretched out body and pressed a tender kiss to his temple, then to his neck, tasting the salt of his skin and the sheer heat of his arousal. His slippery fingers returned to Sirius’s arse and pressed inside him. Remus caught the moan he made with his own mouth. Sirius lifted his legs up to give him easier access and pushed against Remus’s fingers as they moved slickly in and out. Sirius fumbled in the drawer for a condom and held it up for Remus to take.

“Sure?” Remus asked, searching Sirius’s face for any sign of hesitation.

Sirius huffed, grabbed the condom from him and ripped the packaging open. He pushed Remus up away from him so that he could see his dick and rolled it on with determined strokes. He lifted his legs right up and hit Remus with a look that was pure sleaze. “Fuck me.”

And how could he say no to that?

Remus kissed him hard, letting his hands roam all over his body, and he almost wouldn’t believe it were real if not for the sweet sting of Sirius biting his lip, or the feel of Sirius’s hand on his dick as he moved it to press against him.

Sirius hissed as Remus eased into him, but his hands were on his arse, pulling him closer, urging him to go deeper. And soon, he was moaning, and shaking, and cursing, as Remus began to fuck him, slowly, peppering his neck with kisses and little bites as he did.

None of it was perfect. At one point, Sirius’s back, after a week of sleeping on a hard tent floor, went into spasm and he almost threw Remus off him. And when Remus came, Paddy poked his head around the door to see what all the commotion was about, prompting Sirius to throw a blanket over them both to cover their modesty. But when Remus positioned his head back between Sirius’s legs (his new favourite place for his head to be) and Sirius clutched at his hair as he came into his mouth, Remus was filled with a feeling of rightness, and being just where he wanted to be.

Afterwards, they lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling in silence, catching their breath. Sirius spidered his hand to Remus’s and fumbled for his fingers. “Do you want to finish that wine?” he asked once he had regained his composure.

Remus nodded and Sirius wandered into the hall, butt-naked. He came back moments later with two glasses, a pack of cigarettes and his lighter. He poured them each a glass and handed Remus a cigarette before lighting up.

“You’re a dark horse, Lupin.” Sirius eyed him pointedly and took a drag. “People think you’re so shy and quiet, but you’re not really, are you? You fuck like a sailor going off to sea.”

Remus felt his cheeks redden as he lit his own cigarette. “Was that a compliment?”

Sirius laughed from somewhere deep in his belly. “The biggest compliment. I mean, that was...” he trailed off.

“Yeah,” Remus nodded. “That was.” He took a sip of wine and propped himself up with pillows on Sirius’s supremely comfy bed. “Fuck, what a day.”

--

Remus woke up the next morning to Sirius’s head between his legs and open mouthed kisses pressed to the inside of his thigh. And even before he was fully awake, he was rock hard. Sirius took him in his mouth and pressed his flat palms down on his hips to hold him in place as he licked and sucked waves of incredible pleasure through him.

When Remus came, he was looking straight down at Sirius’s mouth wrapped around him, and Sirius looking up at him with lovely big eyes and his index finger pressed just at the entrance to his arse hole.

Sirius wriggled back up to meet him and gave him a self-satisfied grin. “Good morning.” He wiped at his mouth. “Do you want pancakes?”

Remus laughed and he ran a hand through Sirius’s hair, pressing a kiss to the skin just below his eyebrow. “I really, really do.”

Sirius saluted him and lifted himself off the bed, wrapping himself in his dressing gown. After he had gone, Remus smiled deliriously into the pillow. He didn’t want to put last night’s clothes back on so he grabbed a fresh t-shirt from Sirius’s drawer and scraped his boxers from the floor before padding out into the kitchen. Sirius pressed a cup of tea into his hands as soon as he was in the room. He looked long and hard at him over his coffee cup, eyes travelling over his shoulders, then down to bare thighs.

“What?” Remus asked, feeling himself blush.

“I like you in my t-shirt,” Sirius supplied, taking a seat. “And I like that you walk around in your boxers now. That’s an excellent new development.”

Remus laughed and sat down. “So yesterday happened, right? It wasn’t just some elaborate, sexy dream? Please say it wasn’t an elaborate, sexy dream.”

Sirius looked at him for a moment, softly, fondly, a little unsure. “Not having second thoughts then?”

There it was again, that same shy uncertainty that Remus hadn’t realised Sirius was capable of. And he didn’t blame him: it was Remus who admitted he was worried they would fuck it up, and Remus who’d shown an interest in lots of different guys while Sirius... waited. For him. So it was only natural that Sirius wouldn’t know for sure that Remus felt as strongly as he did.

In truth, Remus knew he felt every bit as strongly; so strongly that he was a little bit terrified of what that meant.

“Sirius,” he breathed. He wanted to tell him that this was the best thing that had happened to him, maybe ever. But the words got stuck on his tongue. Instead, he gripped a hand to Sirius’s forearm and gave him a stern look. “I’m not having second thoughts.”

“Okay,” Sirius nodded. “Okay.”

“So we haven’t discussed this yet. I mean, there’s lots we haven’t discussed yet, but one thing in particular that’s been playing on my mind.”

“When do we tell the gang?” Sirius asked. “Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that, too.”

“Oh, so you haven’t told James yet?”

Sirius shook his head. “Obviously, he knows that I’m into you. And so does Lily. But I haven’t told them that things... progressed. I wanted to see what you wanted to do first.”

Remus nodded. “I want to tell them,” he grinned excitedly.

“Oh, thank fuck. Me too! Shall we see if they want to go for a drink later? Let’s just start with James and Lily, and we’ll go from there, yeah?”

“Perfect.” And what... is it we’re telling them?”

“Your tongue was in my arse last night? That ought to do it.”

Remus threw an orange at him which he caught expertly. “I was thinking we could stick with ‘this is a thing now. We sorted our shit out’.”

“You’re no fun.” He got up and set about making pancakes as Remus scrolled through his phone. He let paddy out in the garden to do his business and emptied a tin into his bowl. It wasn’t long till he was tucking into a stack of pancakes, which were insanely delicious.

Sirius had the lunch shift so he headed off to the pub after a quick shower and after putting on the world’s tightest t-shirt, just to get Remus all riled up. Probably.

Remus walked the dog, then took the opportunity to do some solid work on an assignment he had been putting off for weeks. Like most things, it was much more manageable once he had made a start, and by the time he logged off, he was almost looking forward to finishing it.

Sirius came back early in the evening. They scoffed a naughty pizza from the freezer and Sirius was the lucky recipient of an accidental kitchen blowjob after things got hot and heavy as they did the washing up.

They walked, giggling like a couple of children, to the pub. “Did you fucking see him checking you out?” Remus asked after they passed a gaggle of indie boys with good hair. “Honestly, people are shameless.”

Sirius shrugged. “I’m pretty,” he smirked, elbowing Remus in the ribs.

“You’re not bad,” Remus conceded. He looked at him and found his mouth breaking into a coy smile. “You’ve even got a pretty cock.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow and laughed quietly. “Filth. But good to know.”

“I think you’re what my mum would call ‘a bit of a dish’. Actually, I’m pretty sure she has called you that at one point or another.” He stopped in his tracks. “Oh fuck, I’ve got to tell my mum.”

“And that’s so bad because..?” Sirius grabbed him by the hand and gently coaxed him onwards.

“She fancies you, I reckon. She’s been rooting for the two of us since she first met you.”

“Aha, so I don’t have to do all that much to win her over then?”

“Consider her won. It’s going to come as a bit of a surprise, though. Last we spoke on the matter, I was vehemently denying that anything was going to happen between us because you liked women.”

Sirius snorted. “Bit of a gear change, then.”

“A bit,” Remus nodded.

“Right, so how are we going to do this? I feel like it’s judgment day. They should write instruction manuals on how to tell your best friend you’ve started seeing your other best friend.”

“Quick and to the point. Let’s get it done right away and then we can enjoy the evening.”

“Quick and to the point,” Sirius nodded. “Right.”

--

It had been forty-five minutes since Lily and James had arrived in the pub, and still they hadn’t found their moment. Remus was getting more and more nervous about the big reveal. Even Sirius’s foot pressed reassuringly against his under the table did little to still his jittery legs.

This was stupid. He knew that Lily and James had both been firmly in camp Remus/Sirius, but forming the words was proving much more difficult than he had anticipated.

“So the course was pretty dull, but the instructor would have been right up your street,” James said to Sirius as he finished a fairly long story about anti-money laundering training, which Remus hadn’t listened to. “I’ll find his website for you and you can casually stalk him if you want.”

Sirius looked a little bit pale. “No thanks.”

“Are you feeling alright? Usually, you love having a little perv on unsuspecting professional men in suits.” James’s expression was one of genuine concern.

“I feel fine thanks. Really good, actually.” He glanced at Remus and breathed in slowly through his nose. “While we’re on the subject, there’s something I need to tell you. We need to tell you.”

Lily and James exchanged excited glances.

“Remus and I are... together. It’s happened, it’s good, and we wanted to let you know.” He stared at the bottom of his pint glass as he finished speaking and took a large sip of beer.

James surveyed him cautiously. “Are you winding us up?”

“No.” Sirius met his eye and gave a pained smile.

“Remus?” James turned his head. “Is he winding me up?”

Remus laughed and touched his knee to Sirius’s, out of sight under the table. “He’s not, actually. There’s a first time for everything.”

James pondered that for a moment. “Right, so for the avoidance of doubt then, the two of you are shagging. More than shagging. And you let me talk about legal training for a good twenty minutes?”

“Correct.” Remus nodded. He regretted, then, all the practical jokes they had played on their friends over the years. They had cried wolf too many times to be taken seriously, but there must have been something in their expressions to indicate that this time was a little different.

Slowly, James and Lily’s expressions changed from cynicism to delight. James stood up and yelled “Fuck!” so loudly that people on the other side of the pub turned to stare. He realised his mistake and gave an apologetic wave to a sour-faced woman who seemed particularly perturbed. He sat back down and grabbed one of Remus and one of Sirius’s hands, clasping tightly at them.

“Guys.” He looked suspiciously like he might cry. “I think I speak for both of us when I say, about fucking time.”

Everyone laughed at that and Sirius’s relieved smile was truly a thing of beauty.

“Well done, you two,” Lily beamed. “I was beginning to think it might never happen!”

“Oh God, I know. That fucking holiday!” James had seemingly found his stride now. “You were all over each other! It was all any of us could talk about.”

“All of you?” Remus asked. “Marls and Pete too?”

“They do have eyes,” James laughed. “Oh Remus, you know that song you love, I love it too because it makes me think of you! Oh Remus, you poor thing, you never learned to bowl? Here, let me press my whole body against yours so I can show you. Oh, Remus--”

“Are you quite finished?” Sirius asked dryly.

“No. Oh Remus, you got a little bit cold? Here, come and sleep in my bed. Oh Remus, wear my top so I can surreptitiously show you my aesthetically pleasing nipples. Oh Remus, love me, love me, love me.” He caught Sirius’s glare and sniggered. “I’m done now.”

Sirius’s cheeks were pink but he styled it out. “It’s a good job I wasn’t trying for nonchalance.”

“You might be nonchalant about some things, mate, but Remus has never been one of them.” James ruffled Sirius’s hair. “Who wants a drink?” He walked up to the bar and Remus caught him grinning from ear to ear when he thought nobody was watching. Which was nice.

When he came back, Sirius was looking pensive. “You know, I actually don’t think we give you enough credit,” he said to James. “Not only did you not tell anyone I was gay for... years, you also managed to not make a complete dick of me to Remus.”

“So James knew that you liked me?” Remus asked, wondering at how little he knew.

Sirius barked a laugh. “God, since... third year?”

“Yep.” James nodded proudly. “See, I can be subtle. Didn’t even tell Lils, which was torture, by the way.”

“And I’ll get over it one day,” Lily winked.

“No, it was hilarious, though. I was living here and I got to see more than everyone else. And you were obviously on your year abroad. He was a bit of grumpy git all year, actually. I had to stop him from jumping on a plane at least once a fortnight. But anyway, you came back for your birthday, remember? Sirius wanted to get you this fucking ridiculous camera because you’d got a bit into photography, but it was going to cost hundreds of pounds. Obviously, I stopped him.” He nudged Sirius with his elbow and got swatted with a stray, tattooed arm. “He was all sad and mopey and he just wanted you all to himself but Marco was hanging around like a limp piece of spaghetti--”

Lily cleared her throat.

“Sorry, like a nice al dente piece of spaghetti?” James looked up for confirmation.

“Can we stop comparing my ex boyfriend to floppy pasta please?”

“Sorry. Anyway, after you’d gone back to Rome, he sulked for like a month and it didn’t take a genius to work out why. That’s when we had ‘the conversation’.” He looked fondly at the two of them. “Cue three years of pining, communal hating on Marco, general ridiculousness, more pining, and now here we are!”

“Ignore him.” Lily rolled her eyes. “We’re so pleased for you both. You’re bloody perfect together.”

“Thank you, Lils,” Remus smiled, still processing everything James had said, humbled and quietly amazed, and yet more preconceptions were being flipped on their head.

Nature called and he found himself floating off to the toilet. On his way back to the table, he felt a strong arm on his and let Sirius whisk him out to the smoking area.

Sirius looked straight at him, then down at the ground. “I’m sorry about all that,” he said quietly.

“Can I say something? And will you properly listen?”

Sirius looked up and nodded.

“It’s really fucking lovely that you liked me all that time. I mean, God, the guy I’m crazy about is really into me too and always has been. Can you think of a nicer thing to hear? Is there anything better than that? You keep looking at me like I’m going to freak out and get cold feet, but I’m honestly the happiest I can ever remember being. Every time you leave the room, I just fucking grin. Honestly, it’s ridiculous. And my dick is hard like all the time.”

“I just don’t want to scare you off. It’s all too soon for James to be revealing this shit to you.”

“Not too soon. It’s taken us years to get to this point. Now’s the bit where we get to relax and enjoy ourselves. And there’s another thing I really don’t think you know, but you should. All that time, all those years of brilliant friendship, if I’d known there was an option for you to be more than just my friend, I’d have wanted to do that.”

And then Sirius was kissing him. And the slide of his tongue was divine. And Remus clung on to his shoulders to ground them both. After all, what he’d said was the reality, and there was no sense pretending any differently, to Sirius or to himself. Because he had always been just a little tiny bit in love with his best friend.

Back inside, Lily started grilling them, but this time the conversation was not so uneven.

“So who kissed who?”

Sirius sighed. “Well technically, I kissed him. But he was the one who started going on about liking me as more than a friend. So I’d say it was six of one and half a dozen of the other.”

“And when was this?”

“On the train platform as we said our long goodbyes in Devon. It was very Brief Encounter.” Sirius slid a hand onto Remus’s knee, which sort of surprised him but he liked the weight of it, and he liked that he wasn’t afraid to be together in public.

“It would be more Brief Encounter if I’d jumped in front of the train,” Remus corrected.

“Yes, well it was romantic as fuck, anyway. Then we had two weeks apart. Then we bonked. All’s well that ends well!”

“Cheers to that,” James grinned, toasting them. His face warped into a mischievous expression, then, and he scuttled off to the bar, returning shortly afterwards with a bottle of Moët and four champagne flutes. “I have been looking for an excuse to buy one of these for ages.”

And so it went, they sipped at champagne, chatting as a couple of couples for the first time, and it felt real. It felt so very real.

--

That night, they lay in bed together after some particularly strenuous naked adventuring. Remus was shagged out and he felt his eyes closing almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. Sirius leaned over and kissed his cheek, then pulled away to his own pillow. Remus grunted and turned on his side so he could be the big spoon and pulled Sirius into his embrace. Sirius pulled his arms tighter around him.

“Okay?” Remus asked, running a finger up and down Sirius’s arm.

“Yeah,” Sirius whispered. “I don’t-- nobody’s ever really cuddled me before. Apart from, you know, the funeral night.”

Remus thought he might snap in two. Sirius was so popular, so universally loved, it was easy to forget about his childhood, and about the fact that he’d never been in a proper relationship. He wouldn’t ever have learned to be touched, or held, or kissed in a way that wasn’t sexual. “If-- if you don’t like it, I don’t mind at all, I can give you some space.”

“No, I love it,” Sirius said quickly. “I just need to get used to it.”

“It’s funny, because you’re like the most tactile person I know.”

“I know.” Sirius sniggered. “I love to be touched. I don’t think I realised how touch-starved I was until I got a haircut in March. The hairdresser was washing my hair and she dragged her nails over my scalp and I actually moaned.”

Remus kissed the back of his neck. “Pervert.”

“It was more awkward afterwards when she assumed I was into her.”

“What did you do?”

“Tipped heavily and ran away. And now my hair can never be cut again.”

Remus laughed into the hair at the nape of his neck. “Mm, well I’m going to touch you lots.” He kissed his neck over and over until Sirius was laughing and shivering and half-hard again. “So is this our bed now?” he asked, looking around at Sirius’s unusually tidy bedroom, wondering when he had found the time to hoover.

“I don’t mind which our bed is as long as you’re in it,” Sirius wiggled his bum a little. It was provocative and they had both already come, but honestly, Remus would go again, and it was exciting. It reminded him of something. “You know on my birthday?”

“Mmm?” Sirius mumbled, burrowing further into Remus’s embrace.

“We fought. About the laptop. And I don’t know if I was imagining it--”

“You weren’t.”

“Were you going to kiss me?” Remus finished, nuzzling at his neck.

“Mmm. You were all fired up and I... I don’t know, I wanted to do a lot more than just kiss you. It was hot. You were hot, and I’m a glutton for punishment, evidently.”

“I wanted you to.”

“I thought you might punch me.” Sirius sniggered and pressed a kiss to Remus’s hand.

“And me. It was an emotionally overwrought period of time.”

“I was so fucking close to doing it. And then my supposed canine best friend had to go and ruin the moment.”

“Oh well. What’s done is done. I’m glad it happened the way it did.”

“So glad.” Sirius murmured in agreement. “Mate, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Remus laughed heartily. “We’re still calling each other mate then?”

Sirius pondered that for a moment. “Yeah, I guess so. It covers all bases. Housemate, bedmate, sexmate.”

“Sexmate,” Remus repeated. “Wow.”

“Okay, Sarcasmo. What would you rather I called you? Darling?” He flipped over to face Remus and pressed their chests together. “Lover?” he whispered breathily.

Remus cocked an eyebrow. “Mate is starting to sound pretty good.” Sirius started to say something, but Remus covered his mouth with his own, mostly to shut him up.

--

Sunlight shone straight into his eyes and woke him up. They were both naked and Remus’s head was pressed to Sirius’s firm chest. Paddy was curled at their feet and Remus took the liberty of breathing in Sirius’s scent for a moment or two before he lifted his head.

He snuck out and stopped by his own room to put some clothes on before heading out with the dog, headphones on. It was a cool, clear morning and they walked down a road lined with trees, large houses and beautiful front gardens. Azaleas were beginning to flower, and trees were plump with lush leaves. Sweet classical music played in his ears and for a moment, he closed his eyes to breathe it all in.

He took Paddy to the park where he sat on a bench and watched the dog sniff every tree in a fifty metre radius, and every other dog who would allow him to approach. The sun began to really warm up and it promised to be another stunning day.

When they got back, he heard loud Ska music pumping out of Sirius’s room. He knocked on the door which opened instantly.

“You don’t need to knock anymore,” Sirius laughed, pulling him into a breathless kiss.

“What if you were wanking?” Remus asked once he’d pulled away.

“Well, I’d invite you to help me out like in a terrible porno, obviously.”

“That sounds like an all-round excellent way to spend a Monday morning, but alas, I need to do some work.”

“Honestly, there’s no hope for you,” Sirius winked.

--

Remus’s day had been more productive than he could have hoped. He and Sirius were on the sofa, Sirius’s feet pressed firmly into his lap, making appreciative little noises as Remus played absent-mindedly with his toes.

His phone vibrated in his pocket.

“Hi Mum!”

“Hello darling, how are you?”

“All good thank you. Just ate dinner, now we’re going to watch a film or something.”

“Who’s we? You and Nolan?”

“Err, actually, we split up.”

“Oh Remus, I’m sorry.”

“No it’s-- it’s fine, actually. I broke up with him because I liked someone else.”

“Oh to be young,” she trilled. “Right then. Tell me all about him.”

“Well, you know him already, actually.” There was a sharp intake of breath. “Funny story, in fact. You know I said that Sirius was straight? All those years? Well, it turns out that he’s definitely not. And we’re sort of... seeing each other.”

There was silence on the other end of the line.

“Mum?”

“You’re going out with Sirius? You mean to say that my future son in law might actually be my future son in law?”

“Well, it’s only been a few weeks, I--”

“Lyall!” His mum shouted distantly. “Lyall, it’s happened! Your son is in love!”

There was some murmuring that Remus couldn’t hear properly, which quickly turned into excited chatter.

“Remus, your father and I are thrilled. You’ve made an old woman very happy. Love to Sirius, and the two of you must come and visit us soon, yes?”

“I--”

“I’ll leave you to it darling. Make sure you’re safe,” she laughed as she hung up.

“Suffice to say she’s happy,” he laughed breathlessly, turning to Sirius who shot him a lovely smile.

“Good.” He patted the sofa next to him and opened his arms so that Remus could snuggle into him. “I’m happy too.” He nibbled on his earlobe.

--

Sirius had sent the message to the group chat a week prior. “You are cordially invited to Curry Goat Night. Location: the Lupin-Black household. Dress code: Island chic. Music: Reggae and lots of it. Food: Hotter than Dorcas’s fateful chilli. Rum: Mandatory.”

“I feel like I’m coming out again,” Remus grumbled as he buttoned up his garish Caribbean shirt, categorically refusing to look at Sirius who was fully naked and stretched out obscenely on the bed. “Could you put some clothes on please? They’re going to be here in ten and I don’t want to have to greet them with a massive erection.”

“Spoilsport.” He peeled himself off the bed and threw on a shirt made up of Jamaican flags which he had bought at the local market for five whole pounds. He had yet to put any pants on when he grabbed Remus, buried a hand in his hair and brought him in for a kiss, long and lingering and with a little nibble of his lower lip. He looked at Remus hungrily as he pulled away, and his bare dick rose to attention between them.

“Sirius, you are the sexiest person I have ever met. And for that reason, I beseech you. Please put some trousers on.”

Sirius groaned and rolled his eyes. “But I want to do you.”

“You did me earlier. You can do me again later. But for now, clothes.” He picked out a pair of boxers that he knew cupped Sirius’s arse just right and handed them to him. Then he walked out into the kitchen to knock together some Murder Punch - Caribbean style (which just meant rum instead of vodka, but the result was really quite delicious).

Lily and James were first to arrive. Both of them wore grass skirts and garlands and they were a sight to behold. Remus thought of all the times James had found an excuse to cross dress over the years and laughed breathlessly as he welcomed them in. “But of course you’re wearing a skirt. Can I interest you in some Murder Punch?”

“None for me, thanks. I’m on antibiotics,” Lily said. “Could I have some lemonade or something, do you think?”

“It’s very brave embarking on Curry Goat night sober, I commend you,” Remus winked and poured her a soft drink. James, in an apparent attempt to compensate for his girlfriend’s sobriety, took two glasses of Murder Punch which he sank in quick succession. Marlene and Dorcas walked through the door just as James was explaining how he had sourced seven coconuts for the occasion.

“And just what do you plan on doing with these coconuts?” Marlene asked, pulling up a seat.

“Erm. Well, I hadn’t really got that far. Coconut shy in the garden? Or we could just sort of stamp on them and see what comes out.” James poured himself another cup of punch and passed one each to the new arrivals.

Sirius stood for a moment in the doorway, laughing at Remus’s exasperated expression, before ruffling James’s hair and going over to Remus. “Smells great. Is there anything I can do?”

“Just ply me with beer, I think.”

Sirius smiled a naughty smile and opened a lager for Remus, letting their fingers brush together as he did.

“You’re doing the lord’s work,” Remus grinned. “When’s Pete getting here?” he asked in a hushed voice. “I want to get this over with.”

“Said he was on his way like ten minutes ago so he should be here any--”

Peter clattered through the front door. His shirt was the least subtle of all with a huge picture of Bob Marley smoking a joint slapped on the front. Sirius was on him in a second, handing him a drink and getting him to sit down.

“Right, with no further fucking around, it’s with great pleasure that Remus and I welcome you to Curry Goat night. The goat is currying, the rum doth flow, and Remus and I are going out now.” He grabbed Remus’s hand and thrust it into the air. “Surprise!”

Remus slapped him away, but he was smiling from ear to ear. “Right then, who needs a drink?” he asked, trying his best not to read too much into the expressions of his friends sitting with mouths wide open.

“Wait just a moment, dear Remus, while my eyes go back into their sockets,” Marlene smiled. “You and Black are porking now?”

“Yes.” He could feel all the blood going straight to his cheeks.

“And you’re like... together. As in Sirius is your boyfriend?”

“Yes.”

“And this has been going on for how long?”

“Last day of the holiday,” Remus grimaced, knowing what was coming.

“Motherfuckers. You wiley bastards.” She rifled in her purse and dug out a crisp ten pound note which she handed to Peter with a groan. “I was certain you were going to hold out for at least another month.”

Peter, looking very pleased indeed, stood up to shake their hands. “Well done, chaps. It’s good to know that even the most hopeless cases can find love.”

Remus’s heart swelled a little at that, and he looked at Sirius, standing relaxed against the countertop, sipping his beer, his curly hair falling over his eyes. Sirius caught his eye and just held his gaze for a moment. He cocked his head. “Okay?” he mouthed.

--
Remus collapsed onto the bed with an ‘oof’ after everyone had gone home. “I love our friends,” he said into the pillow. “But they are hard work.”

“Sometimes we forget that you’re an introvert and you find people exhausting.” Sirius stroked his back and began to lift his t-shirt up. Remus cooperated by lifting his arms up so Sirius could remove it altogether, then slumped back down to press himself into the cool sheets, burying his head in the pillow.

“I’m obsessed with these,” Sirius whispered as he ghosted a finger over the skin on Remus’s lower back.

“Mm?”

“Your back dimples. They’re fucking gorgeous. I just want to lick them every time I see them. I could found a religion based solely on your back dimples.”

“You’d be the only member,” Remus huffed, still muffled by the pillow.

“Mm, but I’d be so fucking devout.” Sirius pressed a kiss to each of his back dimples, hands gripping his hips firmly. He dotted firm kisses all over Remus’s back and stroked his shoulders calmly, each touch making Remus feel safe and relaxed.

“Mm, that’s nice.”

Sirius’s hands ran all over his back, then down to squeeze his bum gently. He kissed either side of the cleft of his arse and stroked the fabric of his jeans there softly.

“So I’ve been meaning to ask,” Sirius said quietly, still fussing and stroking, interspersed with the odd little kiss.

Remus thought he knew where Sirius was going with this. And he understood why there was some uncertainty in his voice, but really there was no need.

“You know Crohn’s? Does it mean you can’t... you know? It’s absolutely fine either way, I just want to make sure I’m not making assumptions if actually you’d enjoy it, you know?”

“It’s fine, you don’t have to feel awkward about it. I can do it that way, if I’m not in a flare or anything. My ileum is the bit that’s most affected - that’s like the last bit of the small intestine. That’s where they had to operate when I was younger.”

“I hate thinking of you having to go through that.”

“It was pretty grim. It was infection after infection and I was so anemic I could barely walk down the hospital corridor without needing to sit down. But my doctor now is shit hot and she keeps me ticking along. And the long and short of it is yes, I’d be up for a bit of bum play.” He lifted his head off the pillow and grinned at Sirius.

Sirius did not return his smile but resumed the back kisses and stroked his fingers from Remus’s neck, right down to those dimples and back up again. Remus was sleepy but loving the feeling of Sirius’s hands on him. His erection pressed down hard into the bed and he let out sweet little moans that seemed to spur Sirius on.

Sirius straddled his legs, his own hard dick making its presence known as it nudged at him through two pairs of trousers.

Remus chuckled to himself. “I’ve never known someone get aroused so easily.”

Sirius leaned down and licked a stripe up his neck to nibble on his ear. “You’re very arousing,” he whispered sultrily.

Sirius really was supremely sexy, even when he was messing around, and Remus was filled with the compulsion to flip over onto his back so he could kiss him like he was begging to be kissed; dirty, with teeth and tongue and hands roaming over all his favourite bits of Sirius’s body. But Sirius kept him pinned to the bed, face down, hands keeping him in place.

Excitement thrummed through Remus as he got his first taste of Sirius taking control in bed. It was the biggest turn on he could think of and he could... get used to it.

Sirius reached underneath Remus and unbuttoned his jeans. He pulled them and his pants off in one swift motion, quickly ridding himself of his own clothes and resuming his position astride him. His now bare dick was hard and pressed against Remus. He reached down, reached for Remus’s chin and turned it to the side so he could plant a searing kiss to his lips which made Remus writhe underneath him. Sirius scratched his nails lightly over Remus’s back and reached for the lube which was conveniently within arm’s reach. He eased off Remus enough so that he could scramble onto all fours but not so much that he could flip over.

And then there was a slick finger easing into him and a hot mouth sucking hard at his neck.

“Fuck, Sirius. Fuck, that’s so good.” The fact that he couldn’t see Sirius meant that he felt every flick of his tongue, every slide of his finger all the more. His nerves were on fire, and he let out a whimper as Sirius fingered him, adding in a second finger, stretching him, preparing him. He was vaguely aware of Sirius fumbling for a condom, and then his dick was easing into him. It hurt, a little, but not much, and not for long, and soon he was wanting more, thrusting backwards so that Sirius would go harder, deeper.

Sirius was moaning loudly, louder with each thrust. His one hand clutched on Remus’s arse, nails digging into the flesh. The other snaked around Remus and applied pressure to his balls, to his dick. He grabbed more lube, coating his hand and wrapping it around Remus’s cock.

It was almost too much.

The feel of Sirius inside him was almost too much. That, paired with the cool glide of his hand as he brought him close, was very very nearly too much. Sirius’s whole body covered him. Their sweat mingled. Sirius pressed open mouthed kisses to every inch of him, moaning, whispering sweet nothings.

“Fuck, love this. Love you,” Sirius panted in his ear.

And Remus came. He came harder maybe than he ever had before, into Sirius’s warm, waiting hand. Sirius thrusted twice, three times more, before he shook with the force of his orgasm, releasing a strangled cry into Remus’s hair and collapsing on top of him.

Afterwards, they didn’t talk about it. They lay in bed facing each other and Sirius stroked through Remus’s hair with soft, reverent fingers. He kissed Remus delicately, tongue swiping into his mouth. He tasted of sweet, spiced rum and ginger, and Remus was drunk off him. He felt like he couldn’t get close enough.

They slept tangled together, breathing in each other’s scent.

--

The house smelled of baking bread when Remus woke up. Sirius’s side of the bed was empty and Remus let himself doze for a few more minutes before grabbing a towel and heading off to the shower.

As he stepped under the hot jet of water, the door clicked open and Sirius stood before him, shedding his clothes and joining him in what was hands down the most enjoyable bathing experience of Remus’s life.

And that was the thing about going from friends to more than friends with someone like Sirius - everything and nothing had changed. Remus went from having sex a couple of times in six months to suddenly getting an amount of action that was, frankly, slightly obscene. Remus had always had a high sex drive. They were well matched in this regard and they had chemistry; oodles of it. Remus hadn’t really known that it could get this good. Above all, he felt safe, even when at Sirius’s total mercy, even when he was pressed up against the cold tiles of their bathroom wall, hands pinned above his head, swollen dick red and pulsing between them.

--

It was gone midnight. They had both put in a full ten hour shift at the Coven’s annual beer festival, which drew in visitors from all the surrounding counties. The bar had been three people deep all day and Remus’s feet were raw with blisters from running back and forth. He was bone tired and fantasising heavily about climbing into their bed and staying there for two full days. There would be no shenanigans tonight; that much was sure. He couldn’t imagine staying awake more than a few minutes after they got home.

They strolled home in a comfortable silence. Peter was babysitting Paddy, so it would be strangely quiet at home, but they would get him back first thing in the morning.

Remus saw it before Sirius did; the outline of a man sat on their doorstep. He nudged Sirius and nodded towards the shadowy figure. Sirius stopped dead in his tracks and something an awful lot like fear flickered over his face.

As they got closer, the man came into full view. He was around fifty, tall, dressed in a black polo neck jumper and black jeans. He had dark hair, flecked with speckled grey. He was attractive, or would have been if not for the deep frown lines etched into his face, which gave him a hard, cold look. Remus’s heart started to pound as he spotted the resemblance.

It was like somebody had taken Sirius, beautiful and young, and twisted his entire being into something cruel and loveless.

“What are you doing here?” Sirius asked harshly, staring down in disbelief.

“Is that really an appropriate way to greet your father?” The man’s voice was high pitched and vile, and Remus’s shiver was nothing to do with the cold. “When Regulus said you’d got yourself a play thing, I assumed it would be someone worth getting excited over, not this pale little waif.”

Sirius’s jaw was set in a firm, tense line. “Why are you here?”

“Your mother is dying.” Orion’s voice was clinical.

“I don’t care,” Sirius spat. “Now kindly get off our doorstep so we can go to bed. Oh, and never come back. Thank you.”

Orion stood, towering over his son. “I will do no such thing, and if you’ve any sense, you will invite me in so we don’t need to have this conversation on your doorstep.”

Sirius glanced at Remus, clearly unsure what he should do, searching his face for any clue. Remus knew that it wasn’t his place to tell him either way, but he touched a hand to Sirius’s lower back so he would hopefully realise he was right by his side.

Sirius silently unlocked their front door. He held it open and Orion’s long legs stepped over the threshold.

Sirius poured each of them a whisky. Remus was not a fan, but it seemed a fitting drink for a problematic father/son reunion, so he sipped his quietly. An oppressive silence engulfed the room.

“Sirius,” Orion said eventually. “The company is doing better than ever. Your mother has ovarian cancer and does not have long left in this world. Your brother has lost his mind to a vacuous woman with clumsily augmented breasts. I have blood pressure higher than the sky.”

Sirius cleared his throat, indicating that Orion should get to his point.

“The company needs an heir, Sirius. It needs someone with something other than air between his ears. It needs you.”

Sirius scoffed. He took a sip of his whiskey and made a face at his father, as if to say so what?

“Sirius, I couldn’t care less whom you are sticking it in, provided you marry right and put a brave face on when the time comes, obviously. There is much to be gained from you joining the business, and I would remunerate you handsomely.”

Sirius necked the rest of his drink and turned to his father, visibly trembling. “You need a different mindless figurehead,” he said calmly. “I would rather work for Robert Mugabe than rejoin the Black Dynasty.”

The last words were spoken with real venom and Orion looked to truly ponder their significance for a moment as he polished off his glass. “I hope, Sirius, that you will think carefully on what I have said.” He surveyed his son. “If you will not join me willingly, there are... other ways.”

He stood, nodded to both of them. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Mr Lupin.” He nodded curtly at the two of them, and then he was gone.

“How did he... know my name?” Remus asked, staring blankly at the space the eldest Black had occupied but a moment before.

“I think,” Sirius sighed, pouring himself a glass, “we should worry more about what else he knows.” He was ashen faced and his eyebrows creased together with concern.

And Remus, having only met the man for a moment, believed Sirius. And he was worried.

Chapter 10: June

Notes:

To everyone who has commented thus far, thank you. Writing about our favourite boys is keeping me going at the moment as finding the motivation to do much else continues to evade me.

Stay safe, stay well. Stay as sane as you can.

A xx

Remus was in love with Sirius.

He loved every crass, beautiful, glorious bit of him.

He’d figured it out pretty quickly after they’d got together, but now they had been dating for a month, and it filled his thoughts. And he was going to say it - he knew it would bubble out of him at some inopportune moment, and he would probably cock it all up, knowing him.

Because it was still too soon; too new. Yes, they had known each other forever, and really, there was always a little bit of him that had loved Sirius, but this was different. And it was all too soon, so he mustn’t say it.

He thought all of this while watching him sleep. Sirius had always been prone to insomnia but he was sleeping better now, he had told Remus the night before. And that meant something, didn’t it?

And technically, Sirius had said it to him. He had told him he loved him, whispered it reverently as he fucked him. But one could not take a man at his word when he was about to come, could they?

Sirius’s closed eyes flickered a little, as if he were dreaming deeply. His lovely black, long lashes moved with his eyes, and he looked young, all of a sudden, where he had been older than his years just hours before.

His eyes flickered open and widened, startled, before he seemed to realise where he was and relax. He often woke up like that, like he was on high alert. It was Remus’s personal mission to get him relaxed enough that he could wake up and feel at ease straight away, knowing that there was no threat. This morning, his face sunk into a sleepy smile, eyes creasing endearingly at the corners, and he reached out a hand to Remus’s bare chest.

“Watching me sleep?” His voice was scratchy and his eyes still half closed.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Remus winked. “I just happened to look over at the wrong time.”

“Oh yeah?” Sirius laced their ankles together.

Remus felt his mouth quirking up. “Yeah.”

“Mm, I’m not sure I’m ready to wake up yet.” He closed his eyes again and reached out for one of Remus’s hands, which he brought in to rest on his chest, smiling to himself.

It had been a week since Orion’s drive by. It was easy to almost forget that he had been there at all, but Remus knew that Sirius had not forgotten. He seemed edgier than usual, more distracted, though he put a brave face on and they carried on almost as usual. But it felt like Sirius was keeping a half eye on the door, and a half ear out for the phone at all times, like he was waiting for something to happen.

That something did come, one Saturday afternoon. Remus got back home from watching Sirius making his big return to the rugby pitch now that his shoulder had healed (and only felt a slight frisson of jealousy when he noticed Jamie, of Sirius’s bedroom escapades fame, sat on the bench). Sirius had scored a try and stayed behind to celebrate a stellar victory with his teammates. Remus was invited but with exams coming up, he really couldn’t justify what would inevitably be an entire afternoon of drinking which would not be conducive to quality exam revision.

He picked up the post on his way into the house and popped it down on the kitchen table while he made himself a drink. Sitting himself down, he sifted through and removed the junk mail which could go straight into recycling. There was a brown envelope without a postmark that had obviously been hand delivered.

Swallowing down the anxious swooping in his stomach, he opened the envelope and pulled out a grainy photograph, printed on A4 paper.

It was Remus. Fully naked and smiling in their kitchen, dick on full display. He was saying something to someone who was out of shot: Sirius, he remembered. They were bickering about who was going to assemble the bacon sandwiches. In the photo, he looked relaxed, happy in an uncharacteristically uninhibited and un-self-conscious way.

He thought he was going to be sick.

The curtains were closed that day. He knew they were. But the photo had been taken from the direction of the window. From inside the house, he thought.

He texted Sirius. “Can you come home? xx”

“On my way xx” He responded instantly, walking through the door twenty minutes later, by which point Remus had done a full sweep of the room and found nothing amiss.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, looking at Remus’s face.

Remus slid the piece of paper across the kitchen table and looked him square in the eye. He watched as Sirius’s face crumpled and flinched a little as he slammed a fist down on the table.

“Fuck.” His face drained of all colour. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“Sirius, it’s okay.” Remus tried to assure him. Tried to assure himself.

“This was him, Re. Him or one of his cronies. I fucking knew this was coming.” His cheeks were filling with colour. “You heard what he said. There are other ways. He meant this; blackmail.”

“Sirius--”

Sirius shook his head, muttering to himself. He walked around the table, behind Remus and ran both hands through his hair. Remus leant back into his touch.

“Sirius, I think we both knew something like this was going to happen.”

“I know. But I thought it would be to me, not you.” He kissed the back of Remus’s head and breathed in his hair. When he breathed out, his breath was hot and comforting on Remus’s scalp. “You should be off limits. You’re precious.”

Remus sniggered. “Precious?”

“You know what I mean. You’re special.” He rubbed circles at the nape of Remus’s neck with both thumbs. “I want to protect you.”

Remus brought his hand up to the back of his neck to rest on Sirius’s. “It will be okay, Sirius.”

Sirius exhaled slowly. “It’s going to get worse.” His thumbs rubbed slowly up and down Remus’s neck. “I don’t know what’s going to happen but it’s going to get worse.”

Remus pressed his head back into the warmth of Sirius’s stomach. Sirius leaned down and kissed him on the forehead.

“You’re worth it,” Remus said quietly. “You’re worth whatever.”

Sirius made a tiny noise in his throat then kissed his head again.

“How were drinks?” Remus asked, bringing Sirius’s hands to his chest.

“Brilliant! It was great to be back.”

“And.. erm, how’s Jamie?”

Sirius chuckled. “What does that mean?”

“I’m just curious.” Remus shrugged. “How is he?”

“He’s well.” Sirius ruffled Remus’s hair. “Anyone would think you were jealous, Mr Lupin.” Remus could feel the eyebrow waggle even though he couldn’t see it.

Remus didn’t say anything for a moment. “You fucked him,” he said eventually. “I’m a little bit jealous.”

Sirius pulled him up out of his chair and laced their fingers together. “Mm, I can see that.” He kissed him; a warm press of the lips, a firm hand on the small of his back.

“Have you... told him about us?” Remus asked. He desperately hoped he was managing to sound nonchalant.

“Remus,” Sirius was grinning. “There is nothing for you to worry about. He and I are friends.”

“We were friends,” Remus glanced at his feet and smiled.

“Yep.” He brushed their noses together. “And now we’re more than that. And it means that the Jamies and Emils of this world are ancient history. Okay?”

Remus harrumphed a little, but found himself smiling. “Okay.”

“Now how about we go into the bedroom? And you can make that jealous, pouty face at me again.” This time the eyebrow wiggle was overt.

“I need to do some work,” Remus protested.

Sirius kissed him once more, firmly and slowly. It was the sort of kiss that did funny things to his heart. “What I’ve got planned will only take twenty minutes. Half an hour, max.” He dragged him towards the bedroom. Remus rolled his eyes, smiling and hard in his pants.

--
Remus had an appointment with his personal tutor Benjy at nine-thirty in the morning - practically the crack of dawn.

He sat himself down beside Benjy’s desk and started fretting aloud about his upcoming exams.

“The thing is, I know the book like the back of my hand,” he said of one assessment he was particularly dreading, “but it’s getting it all down on paper, isn’t it? And I’m still traumatised about that exam in final year where I didn’t write anything for half an hour because I couldn’t concentrate and all I could think of was the onion bhaji sandwiches they sell in the library and how much I wanted one for lunch.”

“Remus,” Benjy interjected. “Is everything okay?” He was looking at him strangely, face brimming with concern.

“Yes.” Remus was taken aback by how serious he looked. “All fine. Why do you ask?”

Benjy crossed his legs and perched his clasped hands on his knee. “I don’t want to alarm you,” he said slowly.

“You’re freaking me out. What’s happened?”

Benjy scrunched up his nose, making his glasses shift upwards on his bearded face. “I’ve received a series of emails.

“Right.”

“There’s no easy way to say this. Someone has sent me a video. It’s, erm... well, it’s a sex tape. With you in it.”

Remus’s heart threatened to hammer right out of his chest.

“I didn’t watch it,” Benjy added hastily. “But I saw enough to know what it is.” He shook his head gently. “Remus, you know revenge porn is a criminal offence. If the boy in the video is blackmailing you--”

“He-- he isn’t,” Remus stammered. “It’s--” His cheeks burned. “It’s his father.”

Benjy nodded gravely. “Homophobe?”

“Homophobe, racist, bully extraordinaire.” He cleared his throat. “Look, Benjy, I’m so sorry about this. I didn’t think--”

“You don’t need to apologise to me,” Benjy said sincerely, peering at Remus from under his glasses. “I’m just concerned that you’ve got yourself into some trouble, Remus.”

“Yeah,” Remus nodded. “I mean, I can’t rule it out. If it helps, the boy is worth it.”

Benjy smiled softly. “Be careful, Remus.”

“I will,” Remus nodded.

“And how is revision going?”

“Pretty well, I think. I’m feeling fine about all of it, really. I love the books, which helps. And I’ve been taught by the best.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere, Lupin!” Benjy scratched his head. “Oh and Remus, do let me know if there’s anything you need. Anything at all, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, Benjy.” He slung his bag over his shoulder and headed out into the long, grey corridor.

He took his phone out and dialled Sirius’s number straight away.

“Hey! You’ll never guess what I’ve just taught Paddy to do--”

“Sirius, I think we’re in trouble,” he said morosely, staring down the corridor to the double doors at the very end.

--

They went out for a drink that night. Because of Remus’s exams, it had been a little while since they’d spent quality time together outside the house. Just a few sips into his beer, he realised it was just what the doctor ordered. Sirius spent the evening stroking soft lines up and down his back and laughing giddily at every joke he made.

“So it turns out we forgot to tell Hayley that we’d got together,” Sirius smiled mischievously. “She saw us leaving the other day, holding hands, and she totally lost her shit.”

“Oh yeah. It’s easy to assume everyone knows! We’re not exactly subtle about it.”

“I think there are two camps, here. People who thought we were together from the start, like Karen. And people who knew we weren’t but are so used to us being tactile and flirty that they haven’t noticed a difference.”

“Very good point. Except I am not as touchy feely as you.”

“Hmm, I beg to differ. You were pretty handsy this morning.” Sirius barked a laugh at Remus’s expression.

“I meant beforehand. You were always draped all over one of us. And once I’d figured out that I was into you again, I was... whatever the opposite of touchy feely is.”

“Prude,” Sirius laughed.

“Yes, exactly. I was so scared I was going to give myself away and that you’d have to politely but firmly reject me in a mortifying but kind way.”

“I mean, the thought that I would have ever rejected you, even hypothetically, is pretty laughable, but I take your point.”

“Yes, well you’re speaking to the boy who was so painfully, chronically shy and lacking in confidence in school that he mastered the art of the silent sneeze.”

Sirius shook his head, tutting fondly. “I believe it. Must be so strange to be an introvert.”

“Mostly it’s just tiring. But you help. You’ve always helped. I think I’d be much more of a hermit had you not come along.”

“I think I’d have been much more of a colossal bellend. We’ve always sort of balanced each other out, hmm?” He was smiling, still. In apparent good spirits tonight.

“Yes,” Remus nodded.

They didn’t talk about the photograph, or the videos. The night was blissfully free from either. So why was Remus’s heart pounding, and why did he feel sick with the creeping dread that pooled in his stomach?

The next day, he got his answer when he tried to browse Facebook on his phone, only to find that he had been signed out. Thinking nothing of it, he tried his usual password a couple of times. He reset it when he failed to get it right twice, supposing that he had misremembered it.

When he finally accessed his account, he spotted what was wrong in a heartbeat. His profile picture had changed from his usual of he and the gang on the beach in the Gower, eating ice creams, taken the summer before. Now, it was a different picture from the same day. Sirius had his arm around him and was smiling.

It was innocuous enough, apart from the fact that he hadn’t changed the picture. He hadn’t. Which meant someone else had hacked into his account and changed it. It was a statement, he knew: this one was innocent but the next one will not be.

Trying to counter the flip flopping of his heart, he hastily changed his security settings so that he would get a text if someone tried to access his account, and chastised himself for not doing that in the first place.

He wouldn’t tell Sirius about this one. It would only make him worry.

--

Exam week passed in a stressful, ice cream-filled blur. They had gone well, he thought, though he couldn’t exactly be sure. To mark the end of his exams, Sirius whisked him off to London for a weekend. They stayed in a swanky hotel with nice shampoo which made Remus’s hair especially soft and silky, prompting Sirius to order him a whole crate of it for Remus to use once they got back.

They went to see Les Miserables on the West End, which evoked all kinds of emotions for Remus who had been in his school’s production of it, way back in Sixth Form. He still remembered every word, and as the curtain came down and the lights came up at the end of the second act, he found himself wiping urgently at his eyes, trying to preserve just a little bit of dignity. Sirius didn’t make a big deal of it, but insisted that they go for sweet espresso martinis in a lovely bar afterwards to give him a chance to tell him all about what was wrong (and what was right) with the production.

“Of course, Ruthie Henshall is the ultimate Fantine and nobody can ever live up to that.”

“Of course.” Sirius smirked at him from over his glass.

“But I thought Javert was top notch, and the set was really quite ingenious, wasn’t it?”

Sirius didn’t say anything but he nodded, mouth fixed in a cute little smile.

“Thank you for bringing me,” Remus grinned. “This has been just what the doctor ordered. Things have been a bit weird lately with exams, and, you know, the casual blackmail.”

He was trying to make a joke of it but Sirius swallowed thickly.

They walked back to the hotel room slowly, taking in the sights and sounds of Soho, hand in hand. They walked past a gay bar where the barstaff wore nothing but tight briefs, buff chests covered in baby oil. Remus rolled his eyes and dragged Sirius onwards, through St James’s Park and back to the hotel. They stopped occasionally to exchange slow, raunchy kisses.

Remus was full of want.

As they stepped through the door to their hotel room and inserted the key card into the light, Remus knew something was amiss; something impossible to place. Sirius sensed it too and relinquished his hold on Remus to take a look around.

On the bed, there was a note which Sirius read aloud.

“If you care for the boy, you will stop being a fool and do as I say.”

If it were possible for a person to crumple, Remus would say Sirius had accomplished it at that moment. The smile that had been a permanent fixture on his face all evening dropped into a tense, firm line.

“What does that even mean?” Remus asked, fearing the answer.

“It means this isn’t going to end.” Sirius looked straight at him with frank, pragmatic eyes.

They didn’t have sex that night for one of the first times since they had first become an item. Remus tried hard not to think too much about what that might mean.

--

Three days after they had returned from London, they went to the Coven for quiz night. Sirius’s shoulders were tensed and stiff the whole night and he didn’t answer a single quiz question, periodically checking his phone and staring at the door with spaced, unfocused eyes.

James had noticed something was amiss. He cornered Remus on the way back from the toilet and asked what was wrong. “He won’t tell me, Remus. He’s not himself. I’m concerned.”

Remus glanced at him for a moment before caving and telling James everything in urgent whispers.

“Fuck,” James's shoulders caved inwards. “This is the last thing he needs right now. He’s good. He’s doing so well.”

“James, please don’t tell him I said anything.”

James shook his head. “Course not, Remus - I just--.” He glanced down. “Right I’m going to go for a quick hand wash so it doesn’t look like we were gossiping in the hallway.” He breezed past Remus and into the gents’ toilets.

They didn’t win the quiz but came pretty close in the end, thanks to Marlene’s impressive knowledge of Ancient Greece.

When they got home, Sirius sat on the bed, staring at the wall. “Remus,” he sighed monumentally, voice a little wobbly. “I think we need to talk about me doing it. Taking the job, I mean. Going to London. Maybe I should do it, get them off our backs.”

He was pale, Remus noticed. And he looked world weary, beaten down.

“Sirius. I don’t think you’re thinking clearly.” Remus reached out to him and traced feather-light lines up and down his spine.

“I spoke to him.” Sirius looked down at the sheets. “Yesterday, I spoke to him. He wants me to be his Chief of Staff. I’d be on the board, make day-to-day decisions. I’d be like the middle man between Orion and the staff.”

Remus felt like he had been slapped and abruptly turned his head to look at Sirius, really look at him, searching for a sign. “Wait a second, do you want to do this?”

Sirius looked at him, grey eyes boring into his. “No. Frankly I’d rather eat my own eyelids, but doing that wouldn’t make him leave you alone.”

He drew in a shaky breath. “I despise the man. Despise his wife. Despise the very genes that made me.” He turned away to face the wall. “And you know what? I look in the mirror and I still see him. You’ve met him, we’re the same and I hate that; almost can’t fucking stand it.”

“No,” Remus corrected firmly. “I’ve met him and I hated him straight away. You, I liked immediately. You might have his cheekbones and his splendid French hairline, but that’s where the similarity ends. You’re night and day.” Remus couldn’t catch his breath. He wrapped his fingers around Sirius’s wrist.

Sirius didn’t look at him. He didn’t move. “I don’t really see what other options I have.” He brought a hand up to his mouth and nibbled a piece of dead skin under his fingernail. “We could run away together, you and me. But you have your studies and I can’t ask you to--”

His breath was jagged and his voice raspy with desperation.

“I could run away, just me. For a while. Lie low. But I don’t want to leave you, and who’s to say that will actually make him drop all this shit, Remus?” His eyes flitted back and forth across the ceiling. “If do it, he’ll leave you alone and we can be together.”

“For a while maybe; quietly. Living in separate places. Living in fear. We’d be forced straight back into the closet again. And I’ve been out for six fucking years, Sirius. A quarter of my life. You can’t ask this of me. I can’t be with you like that.” Remus willed himself to breathe properly but the task seemed gargantuan. “I’m not ashamed of this, are you? Of us?”

Sirius shook his head. “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” He rubbed at his eye with the ball of his hand and let it fall limply to his side.

“Fuck.” Remus brought a hand up to scratch listlessly at his head. “I mean, she nearly killed you, Sirius. You can’t go back to any of that. I can’t... let you go back to that toxic, fucked up world.”

Sirius lay back. He patted his bare chest and Remus rested his head on it. Sirius was too hot and his heart was beating too quickly but Remus could pick out his calming words from the chaotic noise of all the thoughts he was trying to think at the same time. “Shh, come on, let’s not get upset. Cuddles are nicer.”

Sirius held onto him like he needed it. Like Remus was the only thing grounding him in the moment. And as Remus felt Sirius play idly with strands of his hair, still impossibly soft from the posh shampoo, he wondered how many more nights they would have like this. None of the possible answers felt like nearly enough.

--

In the end, Sirius left more quickly than Remus had thought he would. He didn’t want to go to pottery night with James so Lily and Remus went along instead (Remus took to it like a natural and had quite possibly found his passion in life, but that’s not the point of this part of the story). When Remus came home, the bags were packed and he found Sirius sat stiffly on the sofa, a glass of whiskey in his hand.

“You’re going,” Remus said, voice catching just enough for Sirius to hear.

“I have to.” Sirius took a sip and grimaced - he’d never been the biggest fan of whiskey. He poured Remus a glass too and patted the seat beside him.

“I’d rather stand.”

A thick silence hung between them.

“They’re sending a car for me. It’ll be here soon.” Sirius’s voice was tight.

“And then what?”

“I’ll be put up in a hotel for the first few weeks, near the office. I think I’ll be going straight into things, starting on Monday.”

“So that’s it then? Decision made, just like that?” Remus sounded cold, he knew. He felt cold. Tired. Resigned.

Sirius looked shattered, broken, closed off to the world; closed off to Remus. “Fuck, I can’t believe this is happening, Re. I’m so sorry. I can’t even-- I can’t believe I’m doing this to you.”

“Me neither.” Remus felt oddly numb as he finally took his place on the sofa. He was glad of the hot burn of the whiskey as it hit his gullet to remind him that he was there in the room at all.

Sirius drew in a shaky breath. “If they were going after me, it would be different. But how can I make a decision knowing that it’s going to be you who gets hurt? I can’t, Re. I have to go.”

Remus shook his head. Unshed tears burned his throat, or maybe it was the whiskey. “I feel like I’ve had a glimpse of how fucking brilliant this could be. And now you’re going to take it away.” He reached out a hand to clasp Sirius’s waiting thigh. “And it’s not even because of anything either of us have done. And it’s just monumentally shite and... and I resent it.” He sniffed. “And I can’t even beg you to stay because I understand. I get it.”

And that was the worst bit; that Remus did understand. He understood it all, and his heart was fit to bursting with pity and raw, hot pain. He understood and it was fucking awful.

So when the car honked the horn outside, he let him go. He watched as he drew himself up from the sofa and stretched, his neck clicking. Sirius placed a hand on each of his shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. Remus could smell him and he wanted to bury his head right in his chest and stop him from going. He had to press his fingernails deep into his palms to stop himself.

“Remus, I’m going to find a way out of this. I am. There will be something I can do. And when there is, I’ll come home.” He closed his eyes for a few seconds and when he opened them, they were all red and his cheeks a little splotchy. He held a hand to the back of Remus’s neck. “If I kiss you, I’ll stay. So I’m not going to kiss you. But please look after yourself. I’ll text you when I get there.”

Remus nodded and wiped angrily at his eyes. And he just watched him go.

He slept in his own bed that night. It smelled wrong and the mattress was too hard. Paddy was agitated and didn’t settle all night. But there was no telling a dog that his favourite person may or may not be coming back. So Remus did his best to make soothing noises and let him know that he was still there, for all that was worth in the moment.

--

The strangest thing about all of it was that when he woke up the next morning, the world looked the same. And it took him a moment before everything came back to him, piece by shitty piece.

It was a Thursday, which meant tutorial group on campus and, later, a shift at the pub. He was adamant that he would push on through and get it all done. Nothing good would come from sitting around all day, moping over lost love and the really delectable bottom attached to it.

He showered, shaved, put on a favourite shirt and after walking Paddy, found himself on the bus to campus. Yes, he had spritzed a little of Sirius’s cologne on his cuffs so he could have a little sniff throughout the day, but for the most part, he was proud of himself and his gritty resolve, or something.

James and Peter swung by the Coven during his shift that evening. The music on the jukebox had been mocking him all night and he’d had to have “the talk” with Karen when she queried what was wrong with Sirius, who had unceremoniously said he was going away for a while. So the sight of two friendly faces was entirely welcomed.

He could tell they knew. They sat at the bar and chatted to him for two hours. The conversation was light but Remus imagined that Sirius had sent a carefully crafted text and asked them to keep an eye on him. Which was nice.

When he got home, there was a knock on the door. It was Hillary, their next door neighbour who had an Amazon parcel tucked under her arm. She told him about a recent burglary down the road and he promised he would be careful. He thanked her for bringing the parcel over and opened it at the table. It was a two-week supply of dog food. The expensive stuff that Paddy ate so quickly, it barely touched the sides.

He sighed and texted a quick thank you to Sirius whose response was instant: “It’s the least I could do. Rent is paid, too. Don’t want you worrying about this stuff xx”

He didn’t respond to that, instead opting to curl up in bed with his whole head under the duvet, breathing. Just breathing.

--

Some days were easier than others. He threw himself into his studies and into working at the pub. He had started taking Paddy on such long walks that he felt fitter than he had ever been. He and Dorcas spent long days together in the library. Her parents had recently announced that they were getting a divorce after thirty years together. She was getting through it with characteristic stoicism, but he knew that she was glad she had him to talk to about it all. They fumbled through their tough days together, propping each other up.

Today was one of the tough days. Neither could concentrate and they kept getting up to get coffee, go to the loo, stare out of the window. So at lunch time, they decided that they were producing poor quality work and it was time to pack up their things and head to the campus bar.

“My dad’s the worst. He just antagonises her all the time. He was never like that before, but now he’s all wounded pride and fragile masculinity, so he takes a perverse pleasure from goading her into some sort of reaction. She rang me yesterday, in tears because he wouldn’t let her have their wedding china. I mean, what kind of bullshit is that? If he keeps it, it’ll end up in a box in the basement getting mouldy. She would lovingly display it and keep it all nice, but he just wants it to make a point.”

“God, what a mess.” Remus handed over money for the beers and they found a table that overlooked the square. “Were they always like this?”

“Not even a little bit. Mum hasn’t said it, but it’s because they’ve finally realised that since I moved out, they have nothing left in common. And staying together for the kids doesn’t work if the kid lives in a different country, does it?” Dorcas shook her head. “Still, it did come as a surprise. But there were plenty of clues, if you look hard enough.”

“I’m sorry. It’s shit.” Remus took a big swig.

“Well, right back at you,” Dorcas smiled. “Any word from Houdini?”

“Not really. A few texts. So he’s alive, at least. He sent food for the dog, and he paid the rent, but otherwise he’s... well, not here.”

“Yeah.” She ran a finger around the rim of her glass. “God, what a dick. I was really rooting for you guys, after Devon and how very besotted he was.”

Remus sighed. “You know what the worst thing is? I always thought that the transition from friends to being together might be really weird and awkward. But it wasn’t. It was good right from the start. None of it felt weird and I was just like ‘oh, we should have done this a lot sooner’. And things were so... brilliant. But I don’t know how to mourn the loss of a love that was just getting going.” He looked at Dorcas and shrugged.

“Are you sure you have to? I mean, you want him. He wants you. None of this feels insurmountable from where I’m standing. London is not that far away, Remus. And the guy fucking loves you.”

“We haven’t said that to each other.” Remus’s cheeks felt hot.

“Trust me, man, he thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread. Can’t you do long distance for a bit?”

Remus groaned. “We wouldn’t be able to be in a public relationship while he’s in this role, basically. He’s meant to marry a Stepford wife. A working class northerner with a dick wouldn’t cut it as far as the company’s concerned.” He took a deep breath. “I spent so long thinking that being gay was something I should feel guilty about. I remember when I was about ten or eleven, crying myself to sleep because I was so worried that I liked boys the way everyone else liked girls. And I just... I can’t go back to feeling like we’ve got something to hide or to be ashamed of. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah.” Dorcas nodded vigorously. “Of course it does. I’d feel the same.”

“It just all feels like a big fat waste.”

“Yeah,” Dorcas smiled gently, standing up with intent. “Do you want another?”

--

Sirius rang him later that evening. Remus’s stomach lurched as he saw his face flash up on the screen of his phone.

“Hello?”

“Hi Remus! How are you?”

Sirius sounded well enough but the colour of his voice was a little off, Remus thought. “I’m okay,” he said after a long pause. “How are you?”

“Fine. Yes, I’m fine,” Sirius said after a moment and Remus could picture him nodding, as if to convince himself. “I’ve had a busy day. Meeting after meeting, you know?”

Remus didn’t know but he made a noise that suggested he did. “So how is... work? The City?”

“You know, I don’t hate it as much as I thought I would.” He laughed emptily. “Some of the stuff we’re doing is actually pretty interesting. You know, there’s lots to learn and I’m definitely keeping busy, putting in some long days.” He paused. “I actually do like the City, although it’s predictably full of cunts. The insurance stuff is hard, but good. It’s good to use my brain again - I haven’t really done anything even remotely academic since uni.”

“Well that sounds positive.” Remus pushed down the hollow feeling that overwhelmed his chest. “Have you met people? Is there anyone you can go out for a drink with?”

“A couple of the guys are okay. I’ve seen Reg lots which has actually been really nice. But for the most part, I’m keeping myself to myself. Trying not to get into too much mischief.”

“So are you still staying in the hotel? Or do you have a flat yet?”

“Still in the hotel for now. Things are still so unsettled and new, so no sense signing up to a 12 month lease just yet.” Again, he sounded like he was just trying to convince himself.

Remus found himself smiling hopelessly at that, because maybe... But no. He shook his head. There was no getting out of this mess, he reminded himself.

“How’s Paddy?” Sirius asked when Remus didn’t respond.

“He’s very well. A bit randy, though. He keeps humping my leg.”

Sirius exhaled a surprise laugh. “Splendid. Takes after his Dad, then.”

“His Dad was a bit more skilled at the humping,” Remus laughed.

There were two ways this could go, knowing them. Sirius would either change the subject or they would descend into filthy phone sex. Honestly, after the day he’d had, he was open to either.

“Oh?” Sirius probed brazenly. Remus could hear the hope in his voice.

“Yeah. Pretty fucking great, actually.” Sod it. Remus was horny and in desperate need of gratification.

“Mmm.” Sirius hummed, and Remus thought that perhaps he didn’t want to push his luck. “If I were there now...”

“Yes?” The butterflies in Remus’s stomach were on high alert.

“I’d kiss you senseless.” Remus had perhaps made the mistake of forgetting how sexy Sirius’s voice was, and what it did to him. Just hearing him speak was like some sort of crazy potent aphrodisiac. “I’d want your hands in my hair and mine would be all over you: on your neck, your back, your arse. I’d just kiss you, for as long as I could hold off doing anything more. Because the taste of you is so...”

Remus didn’t manage to suppress the moan that came out of his mouth without his permission.

Sirius was spurred on. “Then, I’d peel your clothes off touching every bit of you until you were totally naked and hard.”

Remus, clothed and hard, took the liberty of freeing his dick from his pants and stroking at it slowly, purposefully, imagining Sirus’s hands doing it instead. “I hope you’re naked in this scenario, too.”

“Oh, absolutely.” Sirius laughed.

“And right now?” Remus asked, interest piquing.

“Right now, I’m lying on a hotel bed. I’ve got my phone in one hand and the other one is in my pants. I’m rock hard; was hard as soon as I heard your voice.”

“Me too,” Remus admitted. “I’m stroking my dick. Thinking of your mouth; that brilliant, filthy mouth of yours, licking me and sucking me off.”

Sirius let out a strangled moan. “I’d stroke your balls and take your whole dick in my mouth, run my tongue over the underside, that sensitive bit that makes you cry out. I’d make you go wild and writhe underneath me. I’d pin you down and get you to open your eyes and watch what I was doing to you.”

Oh good Lord. Remus was so hard now and rolling himself between his fingers.

“Then I’d lift your legs up so they were on my shoulders and I’d lick you out, slowly, then quicker and deeper. And I’d slip two fingers inside you, just as you like it.” Sirius’s voice was full of desire and Remus could hear the shuffling of sheets that told him he was enjoying this just as much as he was.

Remus moaned. “What... what next?”

Sirius grunted. “Then I’d lie on my back and you’d straddle me while I fingered you. And you’d be groaning and panting and it would drive me crazy until I had to fuck you.”

Remus let out a whimper as a bead of precome gathered at the head of his dick.

“I’d slide inside you and we would both cry out. I’d be kissing your neck and your ears as you fucked my dick. Then, my hand would be between us, wanking you off, and my tongue would be inside your mouth. And I’d open my eyes to watch as you lost all control. I’d feel you tense up around my dick and it would feel fucking incredible. You’d be all shaky and moaning and it would turn me on so much.”

Remus found himself close in no time at all, sex-starved and more aroused than he could remember being.

“By this point, I’d be a quivering wreck as you nibbled on my ear, or a nipple, even. And your face would be so gorgeous, so fucking gorgeous that it would send me over the edge. I’d come inside you, and it would be fucking bliss.”

Remus moaned once more. “I’m so close.”

“Mm, come for me, Re.”

And he did. Ropes of hot white cum covered his stomach. He heard Sirius grunt his name as he came, too and the two of them breathed quietly down the phone for a moment.

“That was amazing,” Sirius whispered eventually. “Not as good as the real deal, but it felt good.”

“Yeah,” Remus nodded to himself. “It did.”

They chatted for a while. Sirius asked about Remus’s exam results, which he was still waiting for. They talked easily about Paddy, the pub, the gang. And by the end of the call, it was almost possible to believe that this really was just a momentary separation, that things would go back to normal one day.

But Remus would not hold his breath.

“Night then, Re,” Sirius said heavily at the end. “Sleep well.”

“And you,” Remus sighed. “I love you, dickhead,” he said, after Sirius had hung up. He wasn’t sure if the call had made him feel better or much, much worse. Either way, he felt a little less numb, and that had to be a good thing.

He slept in Sirius’s bed that night, loathing himself for it. But there was real comfort to be gained from resting his head on Sirius’s pillow and indulgently breathing in his heady scent. His sleep was deep and undisturbed. And he loathed himself for that, too.

--

Lily had texted him that morning and insisted that he come over for dinner. She had been to the local butchers and was making game pie, she said, and it would be a tremendous waste if it were just the two of them to enjoy it.

Which is how he found himself at their door at bang on seven-thirty, clean shirt on his back and a mid-range bottle of red wine in his hand.

Lily opened the door, auburn hair tied back in a messy bun and cheeks red from cooking. Her eyes glinted as she saw him standing there and pulled him into a fierce hug. “So good to see you,” she whispered. “Come and see what James has spent his day doing.”

Remus stepped into the house where the smell of meat and pastry cooking hit him. He breathed it in and handed her the wine.

“Lovely, thanks Remus. I’ll get you a glass.” She poured one for he and James each, but her glass, once more, was full of lemonade.

James sauntered in, covered in sawdust. It was everywhere: in his hair, his glasses, his eyelashes. He brushed himself down, sending tiny flakes of dust tumbling down towards the immaculately clean kitchen floor.

Lily tutted. “Why don’t you go and show Remus what you’ve been doing, babe?” She handed him his glass. “Then shower. Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes.”

Remus followed him upstairs and into their spare room, which he had stayed in a few times over the years, usually following a party. Sometimes, Sirius had made an excuse to sleep in the same bed as him, which made sense now he thought about it in retrospect.

Except, the bed that Remus expected to see had gone. In its place stood a pretty oak crib, varnished and solid-looking. The room had been painted duck egg blue and smelled of fresh paint and wood.

Remus almost dropped his entire glass of wine on the cream carpet as he turned to James whose shit eating grin confirmed what he suspected this meant.

“Fuck!” Remus grinned. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

“I think those were my exact words when she told me,” James beamed.

Remus held out his arms and embraced his friend in a tight, consuming hug. “I’m so fucking pleased for you, mate.” And he felt a little bit teary.

James pulled back and his eyes weren’t all that dry either. “Thanks, man. Right. I’ve got to shower. Go and see Lils and she’ll tell you all about it.”

Remus nodded, wiping subtly at his eyes as he headed back downstairs. Lily had her back turned and he threw his arms around her, bringing her into a gentle hug. She turned around and hugged him fiercely before dusting flour off Remus’s shirt, tutting, and shooting him a dazzling smile.

“It wasn’t planned,” she explained, almost apologetically. “I mean, God, I’m up for a promotion at work. James is having to work crazy hours before he qualifies and is earning pennies. The timing is awful!” She sniffed. “But we’re excited. We’re so bloody excited.”

“You should be! This is amazing, I mean, you have created life! You’re going to be a mother! Fuck, James is going to be a dad!”

“I know!” She dusted her hands on her apron. “Who’d have known that the dick we lived with in first year would not only turn out to be the dick I’d choose to spend the rest of my life with, but would also be the father of my children!?”

“Oh, it’s not all that surprising,” Remus smiled, fonder than he could convey. “He’s born to be a dad. He’s so decent and he loves hitting things with sticks and bike rides and digging big holes. You guys are going to smash it.” He took a sip of wine. “How far along are you?”

“Not very. Only about six weeks, they think. Too soon to be telling people, but we just had to let you know. Definitely too soon to be building cots, but he insisted. And you know what he’s like when he gets an idea in his head. There’s no stopping him.”

“I do,” Remus laughed. He felt lighter than he had in a good while. And when James came back down with significantly less sawdust in his hair which was now wet and curly from his shower, they all just stood for a moment and grinned at each other..

The pie was honestly one of the best things Remus had ever eaten. And they chatted easily as the sun fell in the sky. Remus thought about how in just a few months, there would be a miniature James hanging around, causing all sorts of havoc. It was going to be fucking brilliant.

“Is he even going to be around to see your kid grow up?” Remus asked during a lull in conversation. He quickly realised that he was just speaking his thoughts aloud, but they had successfully avoided the topic all evening and Sirius was the ever-present elephant in the room.

“Has to.” James bit into a choc ice. “He has to. No way can we do this without the kid’s Uncle Sirius.”

Remus shook his head. “He’d love to be Uncle Sirius.” A sigh erupted from deep in his belly.

“He’s going to come back,” James said, nodding furiously. “I mean, fuck, he’s escaped those psychos once. He’ll do it again. Right?”

Remus found his head in his hands. “I honestly... don’t know?”

“Have you heard from him?” Lily asked. “Since he left?”

“Yeah, we’ve texted a bit. And we had a chat a couple of nights ago. But we didn’t talk about anything real, just work and...” He trailed off, knowing that it was no good and James could read him like a book.

“And you both got sidetracked?” James smirked.

“And we both got sidetracked,” Remus affirmed, gazing intently at his hands. “It’s hard. I don’t even know if we’re broken up. But we’re certainly not together, are we?”

Lily stroked his arm, face brimming with sympathy.

“It just... it feels like such a big fat waste. We’d finally bitten the bullet and worked out how we felt, and it was good! It was so fucking good. And now he’s gone, but I still feel so bloody strongly about him, and it’s like... I don’t know what to do with all that love now, you know? Let it go bitter and turn me inside out, I suppose.”

James raised his eyebrow. “I’m glad we’re getting a sense of perspective, here.”

“Yeah, I know. Nobody’s dying.” Remus admitted after a moment. “But when the Marco thing happened, I was devastated but I could channel that into anger because of what he’d done to me. With Sirius, I can’t even bring myself to feel anger.”

“It’s shit,” Lily declared. “It’s colossally, utterly shite.”

“I miss him,” James nodded. “I know I’m probably not allowed to say that, but I really wish he was around. I want to be supportive and there for him but I also don’t want to intrude if he just wants to get on with his life, you know?”

“Yeah, Remus nodded glumly. “I know.”

“Remus.” James clasped a hand to his shoulder as Remus was leaving around midnight. “Don’t go it alone, yeah? Let us know if you want feeding or some company, or anything, really. I mean it, any time.”

“Thanks, James. I really appreciate it. And congratulations, you guys. I’m so pleased for you.”

--

After another Sirius-less week, Remus found himself sat alone in Accident and Emergency in the early hours of a Saturday morning, beside a man named Ted who was having a bad trip and smelled of turpentine. But Ted didn’t seem violent, at a glance, so Remus opted for him over the quiet, sweaty bloke in the corner who looked like he was definitely about to hurl, and didn’t seem the type to aim well. The place was heaving. It was the absolute worst time to have ended up where he was, and he felt a little like he was in a warzone, what with the fractured skulls and broken noses surrounding him. There was a man in handcuffs sandwiched between two police officers whose head was bleeding freely.

It was a fresh kind of hell.

The pain had started a couple of hours before. It was dull and nagging at first, deep in his abdomen. He took two paracetamol and filled a hot water bottle. He thought it would go away. It didn’t; it got progressively worse and when he threw up and started feeling hot and shaky, he knew it was time to get in a taxi. By the time he reached the hospital, he was gasping in pain (silently so as not to worry the kindly Syrian taxi driver) and getting worried.

Despite the demand, he was seen quickly by the triage nurse who took his blood pressure and nodded sympathetically as he told her about his Crohn’s disease. She asked him a few questions, typing at speed, then she released him back into the dog eat dog waiting room where he sat, doubled over, and waited. And waited. And waited.

Three hours after he had first arrived, he heard his name called by a rotund Indian doctor with half moon glasses. The doctor examined him carefully, listening to his heart, his bowel sounds, pressing firmly on his abdomen in a way that made him want to scream in pain. Instead, he felt his breath catching and he couldn’t help but squirm under the pressure.

“Okay, Mr Lupin, there is no indication that you have any perforation but I do think there is probably some inflammation, maybe an infection or a little blockage, that is causing the pain. Just to be on the safe side, I’d like to do a CT scan while we wait for a bed for you. And we’ll need to do some blood tests which I’ll arrange now. I will get you some pain relief, but we should have a bed for you within a couple of hours. There’s an ambulatory ward where you can wait and we’ll keep a close eye on you until you’re on the proper ward. It’ll be nicer than the lion’s den, he smiled gesturing to the waiting room on the other side of the door.”

He looked at Remus kindly, and he was reminded a bit of James’s dad, he realised with a pang. “I’m sure you’ve had some horrible hospital experiences, Remus, but I don’t think this is going to be one of them. We just need to check you over thoroughly before we decide how best to treat you.” He must have sensed his trepidation.

Things moved relatively quickly from there. Remus had his bloods taken, then a scan which was slightly delayed as emergency cases were admitted who needed it more. By eight thirty, he was on a proper ward, in a hospital gown, and hooked up to a drip. They’d given him strong pain relief and he felt pretty stoned as the third doctor of the day explained to him what the scan had revealed.

“The bad news is that you’ve got a partial blockage,” the doctor said gravely. “But there is no sign of infection, no severe ulceration or anything. The treatment is what we’re already doing: rest your bowel, which means you’ll get all your nutrients through a drip for a couple of days and that will also sort out the dehydration. We picked up a couple of other things on the tests, too. Your white blood cell count is up, but we can put that down to the obstruction. You are quite anemic, so we’ll start you on iron supplements, and the CT found that you have some small pigment gallstones. They’re reasonably common in inflammatory bowel disease and shouldn’t cause you any issues for a number of years.”

Remus nodded, taking it all in, resigned. “But they might cause me issues eventually?”

“Yes, but if and when we need to worry about that, the operation to remove your gallbladder is straightforward and low risk. We do dozens every day in this hospital.”

“Okay.”

“Do you have any questions for me?”

“No, I--” Remus thought for a moment. “Is there something I did that caused this? I haven’t had a flare in a long time, I was just wondering...”

“Probably not,” the doctor said flatly. “I’m afraid it’s all part and parcel of the disease. You should feel a hell of a lot better once the obstruction has cleared in a few hours’ time. No high fiber food for a few weeks, though, as you’ll be at a higher risk of recurrence for a short while.”

“Right, okay. Thank you very much.”

Remus was left to it. He was acutely aware that he had gone a full 24 hours with no sleep. But the sounds and smells of the ward were not conducive to sleep so he lay, looking at his phone, scrolling through mindless shit on the internet in a bid to pass the time. He was glad he’d had the foresight to pack an overnight bag with the basics: laptop, chargers, a couple of books, toothbrush and spare pants. It wasn’t so bad, as an adult. He could block everything out much more easily than he had been able to as a kid, when his stays on the wards had given him nightmares that he took years to recover from.

He wondered whether he should tell anyone he was here. He didn’t want to cause undue alarm when he knew that the reason for his being admitted was relatively routine. He could call his mum, but she would only worry. He could tell Lily and James but they’d insist on coming to see him, and what if Lily picked something up and got ill? He shook his head against his pillow.

He wanted to call Sirius, not because he could practically expect him to come and see him, just to hear his voice and selfishly seek all the comfort that entailed.

He let his eyes close, blocking out the overwhelming fluorescence of the hospital lights. An image of Sirius flitted into his mind, eyes bright and a sacred smile that was just for him. It was an expression he wasn’t sure anyone else had seen, but it made him feel like magic and he could see it, clear as day, quite possibly because of the ridiculous painkillers they had him on.

Missing him was one thing, but proceeding to vivid hallucinations was probably getting a little bit desperate.

He thought for a good long while about Sirius. About why they were apart, and how he hated Orion Black to his very core. He thought about the upset Sirius had shown when they’d gone out for drinks with Regulus. Sirius had realised that his little brother would be trapped in that world, and Remus felt keenly now the sheer injustice of the fact that his older brother now had to join him there; slaves to an unreal world of insurance premiums and £10 beers and dicks who went to Eton. And their parents, ever present even now, when Sirius had relaxed enough to think they were finally gone forever.

Above all, Sirius had a good soul. Yes, he was brash and impulsive, at worst unthinking. But it was all balanced out by his kindness, his wit, and his passion. Remus thought of that good, optimistic soul fading to grey with each day Sirius put on a suit and pretended to be something he wasn’t, like someone had a dimmer switch and was turning him down a notch at a time.

And then he had a conflicting, terrifying, selfish thought that maybe he would grow accustomed to that world: that maybe he would outgrow Remus and leave him behind. After all, Remus didn’t aspire to all that much more than they already had. He wanted a life where he could be his full nerdy self and work in academia. He wanted a home where the two of them could be together; maybe one day a house of their own with a big garden and a vegetable patch and flowers that swayed in the wind. He wanted good sex and lots of it, and all the intimacy and laughter and closeness that came with that. He wanted to eat together at the table every night and fall asleep just centimetres apart. He wanted to support Sirius as he worked out what his vocation was; what he wanted to do with his life. He wanted to grow together, not apart. Nothing fancy. All modest aspirations.

But right now, he’d settle for living in the same city.

He let out a shuddering sigh. “I would have married him,” he said aloud to nobody in particular as the man in the bed next to his grunted in pain in a way that made him feel even peakier.

In the end, Remus texted Peter who called him straight back. Good old Pete. They spoke for twenty minutes while Remus assured Pete that he didn’t want him to come and visit, he just needed to hear a friendly voice. It didn’t matter in the end. As soon as visiting hours started, Peter came bumbling down the corridor and sat for an hour in the plasticky chair at Remus’s bedside, offering empty platitudes and telling him all about the new girl at work that he was completely, hopelessly in love with, who may or may not have known his name. It was nice. All in all, Remus was glad he’d come.

Of course, Peter told Lily and James who arrived an hour after he had left. They brought him a stack of trashy magazines from the hospital shop, a book of crossword puzzles and a slightly disgusting pink teddy bear which had a huge fluffy badge that said ‘get well soon’ on it. Lily told him all about telling her boss that she was pregnant, and how she’d feared the worst when he puffed up and went all red. But then, he’d told her how proud he was and how much he was looking forward to supporting her through her pregnancy and maternity leave. In short, he’d upturned her expectations and more than come through for her in her time of need.

It was getting dark outside by the time they left, and Remus’s nausea was dissipating, slowly but surely. He was now honing in on 36 hours without sleep and he was feeling just a little bit delirious. He’d have given his left testicle for a cup of tea, but it was strictly verboten, at least until the morning.

He couldn’t sleep on his side, for fear that he would knock his cannula out. So he sort of perched awkwardly on his back, staring up at the lights and praying to a God he didn’t believe in for a sleep he knew would not come.

--

It was late evening the next day when they told him he could go.

“Is there anyone who can come and get you, love?” the nurse asked.

“Yeah, I’ll call my friend James,” he nodded. “Shouldn’t be a problem.”

Sure enough, James turned up in no time at all and they were soon on the way home. Remus clutched his paper bag of medication in the passenger seat, still feeling decidedly unwell, but still much better than he had done the day before. He thanked James, who made him promise to call if he needed anything.

Once in the house, he crawled into Sirius’s bed and slept for two days, after which his strength started to come back.

Today, he had felt up to eating a bowl of soup and venturing to the cornershop at the end of the road. He had greedily binged on trashy US sitcoms and listened to all the vinyl he could get his hands on. But now, he was running out of ways to occupy himself.

It was exam results day. After today, there was just one more piece of coursework to hand in and his masters would be done. The application process for his PHD was complete, and he was feeling positive about his future at the university, provided his grades turned out to be good enough.

His results were posted online mid-afternoon and it was forty minutes between him reading the notification that they had been published and him feeling brave enough to take a look.

There had been five exams in total, and he got a distinction for each one. Even the one he had felt less sure of. He banged his head down on his desk, body giving out in sheer relief.

He was... proud. That all of his hard work had paid off and that getting onto his PHD course was now pretty much a formality. But as he picked up his phone, he realised that he shouldn’t call the one person he wanted to. And as he sat at his desk, eyes drifting over his results and the professors’ effusive comments, finally, he let the tears fall.

Chapter 11: July

Notes:

I really enjoyed writing this chapter, which I think will be the penultimate one but there may also be a little epilogue. We'll see how it goes!

Hope you enjoy - let me know!

Hayley and Remus were on close down together after a shift that had flown by but made the balls of his feet burn from the amount of running up and down the bar he had done. It was the hottest day of the year so far, which meant that the beer garden had been heaving from open to close. But not a single customer had been rude to him and he had even engaged in a pleasant conversation with some old boys who used to work in the factories nearby, one of whom only had three fingers on his left hand from an unfortunate encounter with a sluice after a boozy lunch back in the seventies.

Remus started cleaning everything behind the bar: all the nozzles from the beer pumps, the drip trays and surfaces, dissolving all the drips and scum with a bottle of astringent detergent, while Hayley swept, telling him all about the guy she was seeing who gave her astonishing orgasms but had the worst comb over she had ever seen.

“I mean, the sex is so good, Remus. So very, very good. So what do I do? Should I tell him? How do you even start that conversation? By the way, it’s really very obvious that you’re balding, and honestly, if you’re keeping the excess hair to try and get women, we’re chill with baldness. What we’re not chill with is whatever this is.” She gesticulated wildly in the direction of Remus’s hairline.

“Hmm, tricky one. If you didn’t like the way he looked, how did you end up getting together in the first place?” He scrubbed at a particularly sticky patch of spilled Sambuca.

“Oh, you know, the standard Saturday night hook up. I went to Sugar with my friend Michelle.”

Sugar was the crappest, seediest nightclub in town.

“And yes, I know I’m far too old to be going to Sugar, but we met these two guys in a bar who convinced us to go with them. One of them was quite fit, so I figured there was nothing to lose.” She lifted a chair to get underneath it. “Turned out Fitty had a girlfriend and Michelle started sucking the other guy’s face in the middle of the dance floor after like thirty seconds. Which, you know, is fine. Except his friend took off pretty sharpish after that so I was left bobbing up and down to B*witched by myself, surrounded by younguns. I couldn’t leave Michelle because she was staying at mine.”

“Bit of a conundrum,” Remus nodded.

“Exactly. So I did what anyone would do; made out with the slightly weird guy who had been grinding up on me all night.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen that tactic work, in all my years frequenting crappy student clubs.”

“Nor had I!” Hayley laughed. “But I guess it must be a numbers game? And now I’ve gone and made things worse for poor, unsuspecting women everywhere who are just looking for a nice night out with their friends and end up with some Lank Larry with a semi all up in their grill. I’m a bad feminist.”

“I feel like you’ve deviated a little from the point, here.”

“Right, so in the end, I just grabbed him and stuck my tongue in his mouth.”

“Whoever said romance is dead?” Remus huffed.

“Yes, I know. Not my finest moment. But then the guy threw me this huge curve ball because he kissed like a porn star on speed.” She had long stopped sweeping in order to use both hands to tell her story more dramatically.

“Is that a good thing?” Remus asked, unsure.

“The way he does it, it’s better than... ice cream.”

“Fuck.”

“I know, Remus. So I was there on the dance floor, suddenly finding that my pity snogman was making me more turned on than I’ve been, maybe ever. And all I could think about is what that tongue could do to other parts of me, you know?”

Remus smirked slyly and nodded. “Sure.”

“So long story short, Michelle and I ended up going back to mine with these two complete strangers. She ended up doing debauched acts on my sofa and I came so hard I thought I might have had a stroke.” She huffed out a laugh. “The funniest thing is that Michelle is my age, so pushing 30 and she found out afterwards that her bloke was eighteen. He had to sleep on the floor because it was too late for his mum to come and pick him up.”

She got lost in laughter for a good couple of minutes so Remus, finished with his tasks, seized his moment to grab the broom from her hand and finish the job that she was too preoccupied to complete.

“So I take it the guy you went home with was age appropriate?”

“Well,” she wriggled in her seat. “He’s a bit younger. Twenty three. Is that okay, do you reckon?”

Remus shrugged. “If the genders were reversed, nobody would bat an eyelid.”

“I know,” she nodded. “Poor guy, though, losing his hair so young.”

Remus hummed in agreement. “So I suppose the real question here is do you see this going anywhere? Is he someone you can talk to or is it just a good time?”

She looked him dead in the eye. And she blew a raspberry, visibly slumping in her seat. “I think I might actually like him? Which is insane, because he’s practically a child. And he has no tattoos. Not even one!”

“Oh, I see.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re not going to like what I’ve got to say.”

“I usually don’t,” Hayley conceded, laughing in spite of herself.

“If you like him, and you think this might go somewhere, you need to accept that, embrace it, and take him as he is. Hair and all.” He laughed as she pouted. “Also, he is twenty three. Not much younger than me. Do you think I’m a child?”

“Well no, but you’re disturbingly wise.” She tied her hair up with a hair bobble that was conveniently placed on her wrist. “So what’s the take home, here? I should not tell him that he looks ridiculous, let him carry on licking my pussy like it’s his last meal, and... what, let him hold my hand in public? It all seems a bit far fetched.”

Remus surveyed her, eyebrows raised. “Does he have a name, this fella of yours?”

“Unfortunately, yes.” She scratched at her head as she visibly cringed. “It’s Nigel.”

Remus laughed out loud at that. He couldn’t help it. “It’s not really a name that you shout as you come, is it?”

She groaned, plonking her head down into her lap as Remus swept around her, getting her to lift her legs up so he could reach the section of floor she was covering.

“Right, one more pearl of wisdom, and then I’m going to make you do your own mopping.”

“Deal.”

“You can’t be ashamed of him. Or think that you’re better than him. If you’re going to go for it, it has to be with no caveats. Not ‘I’ll like you if you get a better haircut,’ or ‘I’ll deign to be seen with you in public if you start dressing edgier’. All of that bollocks completely wrecks someone’s confidence, and it sounds to me like you’re onto a pretty good thing.”

She pursed her lips together and nodded. “You’re right. Of course, you’re right.”

“Tell you what, Lily and James are having a little soirée next week. Wine and nibbles, that sort of thing. If you come, bring him along, and James will, I’m sure, have a very tactful word with him about the comb over. That sort of thing is his speciality. The only person he’s ever offended is Lily, and even that turned out alright in the end.”

Once Hayley had agreed, they blitzed the rest of what they needed to do and were out of the pub only a little later than usual. They said goodbye at the door and Remus left Hayley to lock up.

The air smelled of barbecue. And with the balmy weather, he didn’t need to put his hoody on so he carried it in one hand. He rounded the corner to the main road and walked straight into a broad chest of a man dressed in black, standing right in the way in the middle of the pavement.

“Shit, sorry,” Remus spluttered out before he’d had time to register that the collision was not, exactly, his fault.

“Remus,” the man said calmly, placing a hand on each of Remus’s shoulders. And for one heart stopping moment, Remus thought that the voice belonged to Sirius. It was uncanny. But as his eyes adjusted, he realised that he had involuntarily embarked on his second meeting with Regulus Black. The lesser Black.

“Regulus!” Remus gasped. “What-- what’s wrong? What are you doing here? Has something happened?”

“It’s okay, Remus. Everything is fine. He’s fine. I just-- I need to talk to you. Sorry if I made you jump, I wasn’t expecting you to come out this early.”

“Right,” Remus said cautiously. “Our-- my house is just around the corner. Do you want to come and have a drink?”

Regulus laughed. “I think a drink is exactly what we need. Lead the way, old chap.”

Remus had the distinct impression that he had walked into some sort of strange pseudo-reality. Regulus was in Cardiff and Sirius was in London, and was he meant to carry on like all of that was not the strangest scenario imaginable?

“I can offer you whiskey, lager or limoncello,” Remus said as they stepped over the doorstep, Paddy leaping all over them as they did. He took a millisecond to assess which out of the lounge and the kitchen would be fit to receive, steering Regulus into the lounge and urging him to take a seat on the sofa.

“A lager would be lovely, Remus. Thank you very much.”

Remus dipped out of the lounge and into the kitchen, struggling not to notice the time; past midnight. He wondered if dropping by at antisocial hours was deemed acceptable in the Black family, as he grabbed them both a beer from the fridge.

“Cheers, mate,” Regulus said as he took the beer handed out to him. It sounded odd in his affected, too-posh version of Sirius’s voice.

Remus perched on the edge of the armchair and started fiddling with a loose thread on his shirt.

“Thank you for letting me in, Remus. I appreciate it. There’s-- ah, well there’s something I’d like to talk to you about.”

Remus nodded.

“He’s doing fine, please don’t worry,” Regulus hastened to add. “I don’t really know where to start.”

Remus nodded uselessly.

“Let’s see, I’ve never once in my life seen my brother happy, apart from that time the four of us went out to that bar together. You, Sirius, Mariella and me.” He surveyed Remus for a moment with steely grey eyes that were pretty stunning but lacked the warmth of their brother’s. “He was good, then; happy. And I think that the reason he was happy is you.” He scratched his nose. “Correct me if I’m wrong.”

Regulus fumbled for a packet of cigarettes in his pocket.

“Do you mind if I light up in here?” he asked, placing a cigarette between his lips, almost disturbingly like Sirius did.

Remus shook his head and Regulus extracted an ornate silver lighter from his pocket, very different to the naff ones Sirius bought from the market; five for a pound. He tipped the packet towards Remus who took one, grateful for something to do with his hands.

“Has he told you about our parents? How we grew up?” He turned to face Remus who nodded gravely.

“I think I got selected low lights.”

“Oh, believe me, there were no highs. Not for Sirius, anyway.” He took a long drag on his cigarette. “When he packed up and left, I was utterly relieved. I was so convinced he would go that step too far and she would kill him.”

“What about you? You didn’t get the same treatment?” Remus asked.

Regulus shook his head. “They never really laid a finger on me. Mostly because I was too scared of them to ever step a foot out of line. Don’t get me wrong, my childhood was hardly all village fêtes and bedtime stories, but I sort of emerged unscathed.”

Remus nodded again.

“I broke up with Mariella,” Regulus nodded. “Not sure if you heard. We were pretty dreadful together, in retrospect.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Yes, well it was all rather awkward, given that we’d published the engagement notices and all.”

He took a long drag, familiar but wrong eyes fixed on Remus’s face.

“I’m not as clever as Sirius, nor do I have his impressive ability to talk a client into signing whatever it is I want them to sign. All of that is true. He has talent; spades of it. But what I do have is the ability to live with myself after I’ve sold someone a product I know they can’t afford. And I could work in the business until I hit retirement age with no qualms. Sirius has done a few weeks and it’s starting to get to him.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s made a couple of decisions recently that have raised a few eyebrows. And there are... murmurings...”

“Murmurings.”

“That he’s a liability. That he has no loyalty to the company and he wants out. Which you and I both know is true, but he’s done a fairly good job of keeping the facade on.”

Remus nodded.

“Do you love him, Remus? Would you fight for him?”

“Yes,” Remus said instantly, not having to think about his response. “Yes, I love him.”

“Good.” I love him, too. But he will always keep his distance from me, I think.” He stubbed out his cigarette in a houseplant, much to Remus’s chagrin. “Actually, I think you’re the only person he’s ever truly loved. You and that unsavoury Potter chap, though I gather that their relationship is purely platonic.”

Remus snorted. “Yeah, I’d say so.”

“But the point is, he loves you. You, exclusively. And while he’s been back, I’ve been doing some soul-searching and realised that the person I exclusively love is... well, him.” He tapped a pattern of sounds on the sofa, gathering his thoughts. “The thing is, the reason our darling father did what he did and forced him to come back is that he’d convinced himself I didn’t have the goods. Mother is dying and he’s talked himself into a deep paranoia that he’s going to meet the same grizzly end. Father lost confidence in me because of Mariella, but I think now... perhaps...”

He stood up abruptly and necked the rest of his beer.

“I must dash. Thank you for the beer, Remus. And for inviting me in. I hope in time, we will get to know each other better.”

He let himself out of the front door and Remus was left wondering what on earth had just happened and what it all meant.

--

Sirius rang him around lunchtime the next day.

“Sirius, hi.”

“Hi, Re.” He sounded weary, voice scratchy, either from too much or too little use. Remus couldn’t tell.

“How... are you?” Remus didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know who was meant to be doing the talking, or why he had called.

“I’m not--” he drew in a long, shaky breath. “No, I’m not good at all.”

“Sorry to hear--”

“You were in hospital,” Sirius said, and it wasn’t a question. “I only just-- James only just told me.”

“I had a flare,” Remus said after a moment’s pause.

Nobody said anything for a full minute. Sirius sniffed, then.

“Are you better?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m much better.”

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell me. I mean, I wish you’d told me, but I understand why you didn’t.” He hauled in an unsteady breath and Remus strongly suspected that he was on the verge of tears. “You were in hospital and I didn’t know.”

“I’m not sure it would have made a difference, you knowing, would it?” Remus asked, his own throat feeling a little bit raw.

“I would have come.”

“Would you?” Remus asked, and it sounded brutal but he felt like being a little bit brutal at that moment.

The only sound was Sirius breathing, definitely crying now. “I wish I’d been there to hold your hand,” he said eventually, in a strained, miserable voice.

Remus wanted to throw something. And he also wanted to crawl into bed and never come out. And he also wanted, perhaps more than anything, to feel the warm presence of Sirius beside him on the sofa. Their sofa.

“You surrendered the right to hold my hand,” Remus choked out. “You don’t... get to hold my hand now.”

He heard a heavy sob and a gasp for air.

The wind left him, like someone had punched him in the gut. A single tear streaked down his cheek and breathing felt like an awfully big ask.

Remus waited, silent, until Sirius’s breathing calmed. And when Sirius spoke, he sounded less distraught and more... hopeless. And Remus had never known what to do with a despondent Sirius. “It’s my fault that you were ill. You told me once that your Crohn’s gets triggered when you’re stressed. I did this to you. This was me.”

“What?” Remus’s heart trilled in his chest. “No, Sirius. This was not your fault, okay? There’s no one root cause. This wasn’t... you. The doctors told me it was just one of those things.”

“How long were you there?”

“Two nights.”

There was a hiss of breath through the phone. “Please can you tell me if it ever happens again?”

The ‘ever’ stung. The ‘ever’ meant he wasn’t coming back any time soon.

“Okay,” Remus heard himself say.

“Okay, good.” He cleared his throat. “Did you get your exam results back?”

“Yeah.” Remus was relieved at the change of subject, very ready to move on. “I got distinctions across the board.”

“Fuck! That’s incredible. Shit, I knew you’d smash it!” His voice sounded watery and weak, still, but this time something more shone through. “I’m so fucking proud of you.” Another throat clear. “How-- how’s Pads?”

“He’s good. Missing you. I’ll send you some pictures.”

“I’d like that.” Sirius sniffed. “And how are you, Re?”

“I’m good,” Remus found himself nodding. “Missing you.”

“Yeah. I--” Sirius sounded panicky. “Remus, I have to go. Take care, and make sure you send me those photos, yeah?”

He hung up. It was only half past seven but Remus filled a glass with water and went to Sirius’s bed. The pillows smelled less and less like him, and the essence of Sirius was slowly fading, but Remus still got some perverse comfort from being there, pretending that there was a pretty black haired boy making fart jokes beside him.

He stayed there until a knock on the door woke him the next morning. He opened the door to the delivery guy and signed for two packages. The first was the usual weekly supply of Paddy’s food, which he fished out of the box and plonked on the side. The second was a flat, rigid envelope, sent by an overnight courier.

He opened it and realised that it was an art print on thick, crisp parchment paper. It had the striking image of Cosette from Les Miserables, represented in abstract watercolour, but unmistakable. And then, in swooping calligraphy, one of the very last lines from the show: ‘Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.’

There was a note, too, written in Sirius’s messy scrawl. ‘I saw this in a shop a couple of weeks ago and had to buy it for you! Well done on your exams, you clever sausage. I always knew you were the best of us. I wasn’t in a good place last night, and I’m sorry if I upset you. But know that I have a plan. And it won’t be long till I’m back with you both. Thinking of you (always). Love, Sirius xxx’

Buoyed by hope, Remus took himself off for a little day trip to Swansea. He trawled little, independent shops and treated himself to some beautiful slate photo frames. Lily had made copies of all the photos that she took with her film camera and had given him a stack a couple of days before. These made the perfect accompaniment.

On the train home, he took in the rolling hills and little white specks of sheep in the distance, and he felt almost content.

His phone vibrated jarringly on the ceramic tray table in front of him, earning him a glare from the dour woman who sat beside him.

“Hello?”

“Remus, it’s Benjy.”

“Oh, hi Benjy.” A jolt of nerves prickled through him.

“Listen, I have some very good news. You’ve been accepted to start your PHD in October. And if you’ll have me, I’d very much like to be your supervisor.”

“Oh shit! Amazing! I’ll definitely have you! Bloody hell, Benjy, you’ve made my day!” Remus laughed, holding up a hand apologetically to old Dour Face who was now harrumphing audibly.

“Dorcas is on, too. We’re going to have a brilliant three years. I can’t remember the last time I had PHD students I actually liked.”

“Ha, well thank you. I’m very excited.”

“You’re welcome, Remus, I was thrilled to be able to give you the news. And now we need to celebrate. How about drinks in town later? Dorcas is keen. Shall we say eight?”

Remus grinned and nodded, before realising that he couldn’t see him. “Sounds great.”

He hung up and had just had time to think about how much he was looking forward to blowing off some steam when his phone rang again.

Dour Face stood up at that, and found another seat.

“Hi Mum,” he smiled.

“Hello darling, how are you doing? Feeling any better?”

“Emotionally or intestinally? Actually, it doesn’t really matter, it’s a cautious yes to both.”

“Oh I’m glad. I do worry about you in that house all alone. And only telling us you’ve been unwell once you’ve been discharged? I mean, honestly, Remus, you certainly know how to make an old woman fret.”

“We don’t need to do this again,” he rolled his eyes.

“Yes, well, that’s not why I’m calling,” she yelled.

“Why are you shouting?”

“Oh, well I’m in the car, darling. On the bluetooth.” She overemphasised the second part of the word and it made Remus giggle.

“I can hear you just fine, Mum. No need to shout.” His mother was a very loud woman. He wasn’t sure he’d ever struggled to hear her.

“Right, well your father is going to be in Wales for work on Wednesday. We wondered if maybe you would like him to pick you up and you could come and stay for a few days? We’d be working so we wouldn’t bother you too much, but I thought you might fancy a change of scene?”

Remus did fancy a change of scene. He fancied it immensely. So as long as he could swap a couple of shifts around, he thought it was a good idea. He told his mother as much and said that all being well, he and Paddy would see them next week.

--

Benjy and Dorcas were already somehow inebriated by the time Remus got to the bar, half an hour late because his Uber had hit traffic.

“Remus motherfucking Lupin!” Benjy enthused when he spotted him and brought him into a huge hug.

“Hi both,” Remus grinned. “Drink?”

For some reason, they were drinking mai-tais, even though they were all usually definite beer heads. Remus figured that if he couldn’t beat them, he may as well join them, and he came back from the bar with three bright pink cocktails of unknown provenance.

“Right! A toast!” Benjy declared, raising his glass. “To beauty, love and truth! To not hating you guys! To my fucking baby whom I love despite her absolute insistence on inflicting sleep deprivation on me! To my wife who is so bloody fit and nice and knows me and somehow likes me anyway! I can’t remember what this toast was meant to be about.” He looked around for help.

“Beauty, love and truth?” Dorcas giggled.

“Hear hear!” They clinked their glasses together, sloshing sticky liquid over the table, but nobody seemed to notice, let alone care.

Things descended into anarchy fairly quickly. There were shots and selfies and Benjy managed to find a harmonica which he insisted on taking with him as he visited strangers at various tables, asking poor, unsuspecting couples whether they would like to hear some Dylan.

Peter texted him around eleven, asking if he was doing anything, and whether could he come over to wallow together. Remus managed to coax him out to join them and Peter ended up doing three shots of Sambuca straight to make up for lost time.

They made for an unlikely group, the four of them. But it was the most fun Remus had had in yonks, and he was so glad they’d made the effort.

Peter disappeared for half an hour. Remus, assuming that he had fallen asleep with his head in the toilet, went looking for him, only to find him with a gaggle of young women. One of them had a hand on his knee and was whispering in his ear.

Remus shot him a thumbs up and sprinted back to the table. “Fucking hell, guys, I think Pete’s pulled!”

Dorcas and Benjy cheered so enthusiastically that Dorcas fell off her stool. Remus helped her up and went back to the bar, a genuine smile taking up residence on his face.

--

Three things hit Remus as he woke up. The first was his stinky mutt licking his face and asking for his breakfast. The second was his sandpaper throat. The third was a wave of unease as he realised he had no idea how he’d got home.

He was in Sirius’s bed, the wrong way round, with his head where his feet should be.

He, very slowly, eased himself to sit up on the bed, head pounding as he did. He snorted a laugh when he looked across to the mirror and realised that he had a huge, jizzing cock drawn on his forehead. From the artistry, he guessed Dorcas was to blame.

He picked up his phone to several unread texts from Sirius and he looked back through the chain to see that he had sent him at least ten different selfies of the various combinations of last night’s attendees, plus a girl he didn’t even remember meeting who was licking him on the cheek.

Sirius had responded to each one with increasing numbers of heart emojis. Then, a chain of texts:

I’d give my left arm to be there xx

Hope that girl appreciated how good you taste xx

Miss you! Xx

OMG, Pete got laid. This is not a drill, Remus! Fuckkkkkkkk Xx

Is that your tutor doing a body shot off Dorcas? Xx

He’s a braver man than I! xx

Guess you’re asleep. Glad you had fun. Sleep tight, Sunshine. Xx

Aspirin are in my top drawer xx

Remus smiled. He heaved himself off the bed and tried not to gag at the meaty stench of Paddy’s food. He spent the day curled up on the sofa watching Gilmore Girls, drinking gallons of tea, and thinking about what to pack for his trip up north.

And Sirius. Always Sirius.

--

Remus’s dad pulled into the drive of his childhood home. The journey had been long but with no major hiccups, and they had stopped for coffee and for Paddy to have a wee on the way.

His mum ran out of the house and engulfed him in a huge hug. She was chubby and short and very comforting to hug, even now in his old age when he towered over her.

He grabbed his bag from the back seat; the holdall Sirius had bought him for Christmas, which he had filled with more pairs of pants, trousers and t-shirts than he could possibly need for a few days, but he always liked to prepare for all eventualities.

He stood in the drive and took the house in as he waited for Paddy to finish pissing up his mum’s prize roses. It was a small 1930s semi with bay windows and painted pebbledash render. The front garden was full of flowers, bees and butterflies and he could smell the honeysuckle before he saw it.

And actually, it felt really great to be home.

--

He had been at his parents’ house for two days, eating and sleeping well, and reading books for fun, not for his course (he couldn’t remember the last time he’d done that), having handed his last piece of coursework in the day before he came up.

The sound of a knock at the door woke Remus from a light, slightly fitful nap. It was too early for his parents to be back, but he thought, perhaps, that there would be a parcel to deliver or a friend at the door who didn’t realise they were out.

He stretched into a huge yawn as Paddy leapt towards the door and barked loudly, even for him. He held Paddy’s collar so that the unsuspecting postman/neighbour/friendly robber wouldn’t get attacked with wet dog kisses. When he opened the door, he forgot himself and his fingers loosened their grip entirely.

Sirius was possibly a mirage. And it wasn’t unlike when you dream of someone you know well, but your subconscious doesn’t quite manage to get their face right. In the flash of his face that he managed to glimpse, Sirius looked thin and drawn. He had a sort of beard that was perhaps just stubble, plus a couple of days.

Paddy reacted in a way Remus had never seen before. He almost knocked Sirius over, jumping up at his face and smothering him with aggressive kisses. Remus, too, felt a little like he was being knocked off his feet. Paddy took to sitting down and barking, overwhelmed, unsure how to react. He wasn’t alone.

“Hey,” Sirius said, once the dog had quietened and flipped over onto his back so Sirius would stroke his belly. “Lily told me you were here.” He didn’t come into the house, just lingered in the porch. Now that Remus got a good look at him, he realised just how awful he looked: haggard, weary, unkempt. His hair was cut shorter and it stuck out at odd angles. He was wearing a shirt that was horribly office appropriate and it was all so wrong.

Remus was very aware of his arms which seemed to hang redundantly at his sides. He wasn’t sure what he usually did with them, but he was sure they weren’t usually so... long.

“I know you don’t want to see me, and I’ll go. I promise. I just... I don’t know, I hired a car and I found myself here. I just wanted to see your face.”

He stopped fussing Paddy and drew himself up. He had always been shorter than Remus but now, looking up at him, he was smaller than he’d ever been. Remus had no idea how he was meant to feel. He was irritated that mixed in with all the emotions flitting around his brain, there was a good deal of yearning thrown in.

“I’ll put the kettle on,” Remus said eventually. “You can come in,” he added, when Sirius didn’t follow him.

Sirius looked like he didn’t know whether to smile or cry as his bottom lip wobbled precariously. He didn’t move. “You can tell me to leave. The last thing I want to do is make you feel uncomfortable. Or-- or pressured.”

Remus looked him square in the eye, and he looked more than a little bit pathetic, eyes fragile; wide and fretful. “Please come in. If I send you away now, Paddy will never forgive me.”

Sirius sniffed and shuffled through the doorway, hand never leaving Paddy’s back as he stroked him tenderly. Paddy’s tail whipped audibly against his leg.

Remus sent Sirius through to the back garden where there was a table and chairs. He made the drinks and carried them through, pausing for a moment to will his legs to stop shaking.

Sirius looked up when he heard him coming. “God, it’s good to see you. You look so well.”

Remus nodded quietly. “I’m well,” he added.

“Good. That’s-- that’s good. How’s your tummy now?”

“Back to normal.” He paused, eyes running over the man before him. “You’re wearing proper trousers. And... a shirt.”

Sirius almost smiled then. “Yup. It’s not very me, is it?”

Remus shook his head.

“I got the sack today.” Sirius took a sip of coffee and looked right at him, mouth twitching. “So this is the last day of shirt and trousers.”

“What?”

“The Board voted unanimously to relieve me of my duties,” Sirius said calmly.

“I’m sorry, what?” Remus gasped. “But your Dad? The business?” Remus’s throat was dry.

“They’ve decided that Regulus should be the mindless figurehead. He’s safer. Less liberal. Less... well, gay. More business acumen. More robotic.”

“Wait a minute, how did you go from the prodigal son to leaving in disgrace in the space of a month?”

Sirius did smile now. “The Board is eight people. So I just got to them one by one. Laid seeds of doubt. A bad decision here, a faux pas at a party there. And then I made a really terrible decision on Regulus’s advice that lost the company two million, there or thereabouts. I think that was the clincher, on reflection.”

Remus glanced at him. “You did it all on purpose.”

Sirius’s eyes blazed. He looked down at his polished brogues. “I thought I could do it. I thought that I could suck it up and just do it for a while until everything calmed down a bit. But it was fucking vile, Remus. I have no idea how people work in that sort of environment for forty years. I swear to God I would kill myself.”

“So Reg has taken your job? You know he came to see me? And he was talking about how you were too good to have your soul destroyed. I think he gave you that advice on purpose, knowing it would be the final straw.”

“It had crossed my mind.”

“He said you’re the only thing he loves, then he took off nodding to himself like he had some sort of dastardly plan. It was very much like something you would do.”

Sirius smiled at the thought, eyes heavy with fatigue and concern. “I owe him. That’s for sure.”

“You look so tired.” And that was an understatement. Sirius looked like he was about to drift off at any moment. Remus fought the urge to reach out and touch him.

“I haven’t been sleeping. At all, really.” He rubbed at an eye that looked irritated and Remus figured that he hadn’t remembered to take antihistamines for his hay fever. “I’m not looking for pity,” he added, catching his eye.

“I never sleep in hotel rooms, either,” Remus said.

“I’m not sure it was the location that was the problem. I slept just fine in a hotel room when you were there.”

And there it was, laid bare. Remus once more strangled the almost visceral need to reach out for his hand.

A pair of sparrows began sparring in the hedge to their left, providing a moment’s distraction.

“What are you doing here, Sirius?” Remus turned back to him.

Sirius nodded, like he knew this was coming. Like he perhaps had an answer ready. But then he didn’t say anything.

“Sirius?”

He scrunched his nose up. “I’m just trying to remember the speech I practised on the way up here.”

Remus couldn’t help the tug of his lips into a smile at that. “A whole speech?”

“Well it turns out that Wigan is far. And the CD player in the car doesn’t work. So I had some thinking time. We’re getting sidetracked here, Remus.”

Remus nodded. “You have the floor.”

“Much obliged.” He finished his coffee, and banged his cup down on the table. “The thing is--”

Another sparrow joined the ruckus, interrupting his flow, but Sirius turned back to Remus, unperturbed. “The thing is, I’m in big, ridiculous love with you.”

Remus exhaled sharply and looked at him over his tea cup. He had tinnitus, maybe, because his ears were ringing. And everything went quiet. “I don’t know what to say to that.”

Sirius nodded again. “That’s okay. There’s more. I want... everything with you. I never want to wake up without you there. Not again, Re.” He rubbed at his eyes again, then laughed softly as Paddy plonked his head right in his lap. “But this... this is not about me. It’s about what you want. And if that’s not me, if you can’t forgive me, I would be really fucking honoured if you would consider being my friend again.”

He breathed in shakily and his eyelids were twitching with pure fatigue.

“I miss you right down to my bones, Re. I miss you so much, I can barely stand it. I would love to come home. Or if that’s weird, back to Cardiff, at least. I could stay with Pete for a bit, maybe.”

Remus stared at him, flummoxed. “You shouldn’t have gone, Sirius.”

“I know.”

“You should have asked me what I wanted.”

“I know,” Sirius nodded, face sincere and solemn. “I know, Re. I’m a fucking idiot. I thought I was protecting you. The-- the photos and the facebook thing happened. Yeah, I knew about that,” he nodded at Remus’s astounded expression. “And I... I don’t think you know what he’s capable of. He knows no bounds. I thought-- I thought he was going to hurt you. If it was me, it would have been different, but I couldn’t let him fuck you over like that.”

Remus was acutely aware of his irregular heart rhythm. “You fucked me over too when you left without consulting me on what I could handle. I didn’t get a say. And I just felt so fucking helpless.”

“I know,” Sirius said once more. He thrust his hands into his pockets.

“I miss you too,” Remus said eventually. “But I’m not sure quite what that means at the moment... for us.”

“Yes,” Sirius nodded. “I completely understand. And I thought you’d say that, so it’s up to you now how much I stay away. You want me to come to an event or a party or something with you? I’ll be there in a heartbeat. Want a cuddle? I’m here. Someone to talk to? Absolutely.” He paused. “And if you want me to give you space, I will, of course, make myself scarce.”

“Okay. Okay.” Remus nodded. “I just-- I’m hurt. You hurt me.”

“Yes,” Sirius said, eyes glistening. “After I told you I never would. And I’m so fucking sorry. Believe me, I despise myself for it.” He looked at Remus for too long, then down at his phone. “I should probably go soon, otherwise I’ll be getting back really late. And you can have all the time you need to think. I won’t come back to Cardiff unless you tell me it’s fine.”

“Sirius--”

“And if that’s never, I’ll... I don’t know, go to France, maybe? For a bit?” He looked at him between long blinks from bleary eyes. “Maybe shack up with a couple of lesbians and start selling crepes in Brittany.”

“Sirius, stop.” Remus felt exhausted all of a sudden. “I can’t send you away like this” he knocked their shoulders together, then realised he probably shouldn’t have, in case that was construed as forgiveness, or something. “You’ll fall asleep on the motorway.”

Sirius smiled sheepishly and shrugged, his over-starched shirt creasing at his broad shoulders. “Dying on the way home wouldn’t be nearly so tragic as dying before I’d seen you.” He smiled breezily. “At least I’ve said my piece.”

Remus huffed a laugh through his nose. “If you could not die at all, that would be preferable.” He shifted as the hard bench dug into his bum, which had begun to protest. “Stay for a bit?”

Sirius looked over at him and nodded, saying nothing. The sun was hot, still, and Remus dug an old picnic blanket out of the shed, which he spread on the lawn. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s get you a nap.”

Sirius followed him to the rug and lowered himself down, looking a little wobbly as he did. He lay sprawled on his back, hands clasped at his naval. He gazed up at Remus, who was sat far enough away that no part of them was touching. The skin below his eyes was dusted with dark, almost bruised charcoal and his eyes looked as though they were straining to stay even slightly open.

“It’s okay,” Remus soothed, pressing his hands into the blanket to keep them from doing their own thing. “Go to sleep.”

Sirius sighed in relief and his eyes, at last, flickered closed.

Sirius’s slumber only lasted ten minutes or so when Remus’s parents came clattering into the garden. Remus jumped up and hurried over to them to ask them to keep the noise down but Sirius had already sat bolt upright and was brushing himself down.

“Is that Sirius?” Hope asked, eyes glimmering with optimism.

“Yes. He’s in a bit of a state, though,” Remus whispered. “He got fired today, and from what I can work out, he hasn’t slept in a month. He’s not good, Mum.”

Remus willed his beloved mother, for the first time in her life, to understand: to show some discretion. She nodded, eyes wide.

“Could he stay for tea?” Remus asked. “I think he needs a bit of feeding up, to be honest.”

“Of course, love. He can stay the night, the week if he wants to.” She reached out and patted his back.

“Thanks Mum.” He turned towards Sirius who was making his way up the lawn towards them. “We’ll see.”

“Are you okay, Remus?” she asked in a hurried whisper. He nodded, what he hoped was reassuringly and she appeared to be placated, at least for the moment.

“Hi Hope,” Sirius grinned, but the exhaustion shone through. “Sorry, to drop by unannounced.”

“Not at all, Sirius, love. You’ll stay for dinner? We’re having spaghetti bolognese. There’s loads to go ‘round.”

He looked at Remus, silently seeking permission but evidently his face gave nothing away. “Oh, that’s so kind. But I really should get back.”

“Stay,” Remus said quietly. “You should stay. For some food, at least.”

Sirius’s face erupted into a huge, lovely smile. “That would be really nice, actually. Thank you.”

She left them to it for a while. Remus looked Sirius up and down. “Do you want me to find you a change of clothes?”

“Yes please. If I never wear a proper collar again, I’m not sure I’ll mind.”

They trudged through the house and up to Remus’s room which Sirius took in with delighted eyes. “Oh fuck. This is better than I could have hoped.”

Looking at his room through Sirius’s eyes was pretty amusing, now he thought about it. The posters that littered the walls were a snapshot of all the things a younger him cared about, once upon a time: a life-sized Aragorn (Remus had always cared almost disturbingly deeply for Aragorn, even before he knew that he fancied men); arthouse movie posters of films he wasn’t even sure he’d seen; Nirvana; Placebo; Pink Floyd; a Renoir, just in case anyone came over and didn’t think he was cultured (nobody came over).

The duvet cover was pale blue with white stripes and was well-worn and soft. Sirius sat down on the bed and looked around like he was trying to consign it all to memory.

“Right, so I think you can just about squeeze into a pair of my jeans.” Remus rummaged in his bag. “And I know you don’t mind a tight t-shirt.”

Sirius blushed visibly, which was out of character and it made Remus’s heart squeeze.

“And it’s a good job I brought lots of boxers,” Remus smiled.

“I’m already wearing boxers,” Sirius laughed, visibly relaxing with every minute.

“I meant for the morning.” Remus pursed his lips and nodded at nothing in particular before digging a jumper out of the recesses of his holdall. “Here.”

Sirius, apparently reeling at the revelation that he was allowed to stay the night, took the clothes without saying anything.

“So, Hayley is missing you,” Remus said conversationally. “She wants to get a new tattoo, but is unable to do so without your input, apparently.”

“Oho, what’s the shortlist?” Sirius asked, interest piquing.

“Big naked lady on one arm.”

“Strong.” Sirius smiled.

“Excalibur.”

“Even better!”

“Or... I don’t really remember. Some sort of mythical sea witch? This is much more your area than mine.”

Sirius stood to change and did so facing away from Remus, almost shyly. Remus’s eyes were magnetically pulled to the smooth skin of Sirius’s back. His shoulder blades jutted out more than they had a month before, and his trousers were baggy, now he looked properly. But he was just as lovely.

“Fuck!” Remus exclaimed just as Sirius pulled the jumper over his head.

Already slightly unsteady on his feet, he swayed slightly. “What? Are you okay?” He pulled the jumper down at the hem. Sirius never wore jumpers and he looked snuggly and soft.

“Fine, sorry. I just-- do you even know about Lily?” Remus asked, realising that they hadn’t discussed the fact that she was expecting.

“Yeah,” Sirius grinned. “I’m fucking made up.”

“Me too!” Remus laughed incredulously. “Can’t believe we are old enough to start having babies, though.”

“God, I know. I still feel like I did when we all met. And I think I’ve definitively proved with my actions today that I’m not an adult, yet.”

Remus thought on that. “I don’t know. I’m pretty sure you made an adult decision, even if the execution was a little sloppy.”

Sirius sighed, the relief palpable. “I don’t think I realised how hungry I was. It smells bloody brilliant.”

“Let me guess, you haven’t been eating properly?”

“To be honest, it all tasted like ash. I basically lived on crisps and Horlicks.”

Remus rolled his eyes, but he knew that the fondness shone through. “You’re wasting away. It’s a wonder you haven’t got scurvy.”

Sirius was saved from having to defend himself when Remus’s mum shouted up to say that food was on the table.

The four of them sat, quietly tucking into the feast before them. Remus watched as the colour slowly returned to Sirius’s sallow cheeks.

“This is delicious, Hope.” Sirius said after swallowing down a particularly big mouthful. “Thank you so much for your generosity.”

“Oh don’t be silly, my dear. It’s no skin off our noses, is it Lyall?”

“No, no, not at all,” Remus’s father shook his head and regarded the guest at their table with quiet curiosity. “So where did you drive up from, Sirius?”

“London.”

“Ah, of course. And how was the journey? Much traffic?”

“It was fairly plain sailing, actually.” Sirius sprinkled more parmesan on his food. “I stopped for a bit at Stafford services for a coffee. But otherwise made good time,” he nodded.

Sirius was sat opposite Remus and it felt like they had gone back in time. He could feel it every time Sirius looked his way, which was often, and for too long. Remus sat and ate his food quietly.

Sirius was visibly shattered. His movements were slower and his eyes hooded, but he looked so pleased to be there, making easy conversation with Remus’s parents and asking insightful questions about their lives. He even insisted on clearing the table and doing all the washing up after they were done, only stopping occasionally to yawn. Remus was on drying duty and their elbows knocked together as they worked.

“There’s no sense you driving back now, Sirius,” Lyall said afterwards, when they moved into the lounge. “You’re staying the night, aren’t you? There’s plenty of room.”

Sirius looked at Remus who nodded with a little smile.

“That would be brilliant. Thank you very much.” Sirius rubbed at his eyes. “As long as I’m not imposing.”

“Not at all, pet. So we can have a little tipple, then!” Hope declared, diving towards the booze cabinet and emerging with a bottle of Baileys and four glasses. She also, mortifyingly, slipped a faded leather photo album to Sirius with a wink. His face lit up as he began to flick through what remus knew was a particularly embarrassing set of childhood photographs.

When Sirius landed on a photo of an infant Remus in the bath, he clasped his hand to his arm in quiet disbelief. “How on earth did you have so much hair!? Look at you!”

“Oh yes, he came out like that,” Hope nodded. “Full head of hair. And he was very blonde, then. My handsome little prince.”

“Oh good grief,” Remus grumbled, downing his Baileys and pouring himself another.

“Oh my goodness, look at this one!” Sirius was grinning from ear to ear. “I didn’t know they even made shellsuits that small!”

Remus glared. At everyone in the room. “It was the nineties.”

The look that Sirius gave him then was pure love.

They sat chatting for a couple of hours and Remus watched with bemused detachment as his mother fell more and more in love. She cooed around Sirius all night and laughed embarrassingly loudly at all his jokes. Sirius, for his part, was the perfect guest: all easy charm and twinkly eyes.

Eventually, the inevitable happened and Sirius fell asleep, head rested against the back of the sofa, lips slightly parted.

“Best take him up, love,” Hope whispered. “I’ve made the guest bed up because I wasn’t sure where he’d be sleeping.”

“Okay, thanks Mum.”

Remus gently tapped Sirius on the shoulder. “Bed?” he asked.

Sirius’s eyes widened, startled, then he nodded and followed Remus up the stairs to Remus’s room. He took the jumper and the trousers off, and sat on the bed, in his boxers and Remus’s lemon yellow t-shirt. He looked like an overtired child who didn’t want to admit that it was bedtime.

“Do you want me to go and sleep in the spare room?” he asked, scratching his head.

Remus thought about this, and the fact that what Sirius needed more than anything was some good quality sleep. “Nah. Come on, you can stay here.” He lifted the duvet cover of the single bed and ushered Sirius inside. “I’ll go and get us some water. Do you want anything else?”

Sirius shook his head. “I’m good.”

“Everything okay, love?” Hope asked when he popped his head round the door to say goodnight.

“All good,” Remus smiled. And he meant it.

Sirius was asleep by the time Remus got back with the water, and a few biscuits in readiness for midnight munchies, should they arise. Remus, taking Sirius’s cue, stripped down to his t-shirt and pants and climbed in beside Sirius. He looked at him while he slept, and he felt a genuine pain in his chest at how beautiful he was.

Remus woke up in the middle of the night with a dry mouth. He reached over for a glass of water which he gulped down greedily. He turned over to see Sirius facing him, deep in sleep. His silhouette, softened by darkness, was something, he realised, he always wanted to see when he woke up.

And he loved him. He loved him so much.

He lay his head back on the pillow, facing Sirius so their noses were inches apart. He lifted a hand to Sirius’s hair and stroked it softly. Sirius mumbled in his sleep and leaned into the touch. Remus ran his fingernails over his scalp, just the way he liked, and his eyes flickered open. His sleepy smile almost broke Remus’s heart.

“I love you,” Remus whispered. “I love you too, I love you.”

And he tilted Sirius’s chin up and brought their lips together, one hand still held to his head, because this time, he didn’t want him to go anywhere.

They lay there exchanging slow, important kisses that said more than their words could. And Sirius’s appearance may have changed, but he still tasted like him, and there was so much comfort in that, that Remus could have cried.

“I’m so sorry,” Sirius whispered.

“Shh,” Remus soothed. “We can do all that in the morning. Let’s go to sleep.”

He brought Sirius into his body and he kissed his forehead. They fell asleep, Remus holding him like it was the key to both their redemption. And perhaps it was.

The next morning, Remus had that singular feeling of waking up and having no idea where he was or who was in the bed with him. As his eyes cleared and brought the room into focus, it all came flooding back to him: declarations of love, tender kisses and an obscenely handsome man in his childhood bed who wasn’t wearing any trousers.

Sirius was sleeping soundly, his eyes pressed into deep creases and mouth open, ever so slightly. Remus shifted to pick up the glass of water and Sirius’s eyes shot open as he jerked awake.

“Shh, sorry. It’s okay,” Remus said in the tiniest voice he could produce. “Go back to sleep.”

But Sirius’s eyes were clear and alert; less bloodshot than they had been the night before. “Hey,” he smiled. “That did happen, then?”

“It did.” Remus stretched his arm out to rest on Sirius’s side.

“I don’t know where we stand, now,” Sirius admitted, bright eyes boring into Remus’s.

Remus shook his head because he was none the wiser. “I was going to stay one more night, maybe two,” he said. “Did you have to get back, or would you stay too? We could go to the beach, if you like, and I can show you around.”

“If you’re okay with me staying, I don’t have anywhere I need to be. I want to see all your old haunts.”

“If by haunts, you mean Wigan library, then you’ve got it.”

Sirius flashed him a grin. He looked more himself with every minute.

“How did you sleep?” Remus asked.

“Like a dream.” He ran a hand through his hair and Remus eyed his arms. He wanted to-- But there was time enough for that, and first they had to feel at ease with each other once more.

The scent of bacon wafted into the room and Sirius’s stomach growled. They smiled at each other and got dressed before heading downstairs.

“Morning boys,” Hope practically sang. “You'd better be hungry!”

“Morning!” they replied, sitting eagerly at the table.

“How did you sleep, loves?” she asked, handing them each what appeared to be the perfect bacon sandwich, bread white and soft, bacon crispy, ketchup abundant.

“Really well, thanks,” Sirius nodded, tucking in.

“And me,” Remus smiled. “Better than in ages.”

She smiled knowingly. “And how was the spare room, Sirius? Bed comfy enough?”

“Mum, as you are fully aware, the spare bed remains unslept in.” Remus couldn’t help but laugh at his mother’s prying antics.

“None of my business, darling.” She shot him an outrageous wink from the other side of the kitchen. “So what are you two going to do today?

“I’m taking him to Formby,” Remus nodded, and he felt it was a mission statement. Sirius was going to stay, and they would go to the beach, and all of the worrying could go away, for a while at least. Because he had worried enough for a lifetime, worried enough for both of them, and now he just wanted to be together: friends, boyfriends, whatever.

An hour later, they were in the car, Paddy sprawled across the back seat, and they were listening to bad local radio while Remus gave Sirius the odd direction.

“I love your parents,” Sirius said conversationally. “They’re so great and they just adore you. It’s brilliant. I never knew your mum was so funny. You’re definitely right though. I reckon she’s got a soft spot for me.”

“She never fucking shuts up about you.”

“I guess she knows that we... I don’t know, are we calling it a breakup?” He glanced at Remus, expression unreadable.

“Yeah, felt pretty broken up.”

“Yeah.” Sirius cleared his throat.

“But yes, she knows.”

“And still, she welcomed me like it was nothing.” He shook his head. “She’s brilliant. Absolute legend.”

“Yeah.”

“And your dad is hilarious. He’s got such a dry sense of humour. He’s so much like you it’s unreal.”

“You reckon?”

“For sure.”

“Okay, so if you go down here, there should be a sign for a car park.”

They parked up and Sirius insisted on paying for the parking meter. They ambled through the town, arms hanging at their sides, heading for the beach. There was a bench overlooking the sea that had their names on it, and Remus led the way. Sirius settled beside him.

Remus looked out at the sea, then over to Sirius who was chewing on his bottom lip, clearly thinking, worrying.

“Hey,” Remus said quietly. He fumbled for Sirius’s hand which he clutched onto tightly. “I’m glad you came.”

“Me too,” Sirius nodded in his eyeline. “I wasn’t going to. I didn’t want to make everything ten times worse, and I definitely am capable of doing so.”

Remus smiled and nodded. “You’re not known for your subtlety.”

“Nope.” He stroked the inside of Remus’s wrist and they sat in silence for a long while.

“I meant what I said,” Remus said quietly after thinking it through. “I do love you.”

Sirius squeezed his hand. “I sense a ‘but’ coming here.”

“No.” Remus shook his head. “No ‘but’. I really bloody love you.” He turned to him and shrugged. “I was going to tell you. Before you left, I mean. Or, more accurately, I was scared it would slip out at some inopportune moment.”

Sirius’s eyes were so wide. And he nodded, humbled. “I don’t deserve it.”

“That’s not true.” Remus’s eyes felt a little bit wet. “You had an... abusive childhood, to say the least, and your parents didn’t love you like they should. Then, you finally were loved by Alphard, but he died. And then Mr Potter. And on top of all of that, your parents blackmailed you and you went back to it all for me. God, the least you deserve is my love.” He shook his head. “So here it is. It’s yours. I’m still sore, and I need some time to get back to where we were. But if you have faith in us, we’ll get there.”

Sirius blinked slowly and spoke with a clear voice. “This is the only thing I’ve ever had any faith in. And honestly, you can take all the time you need. The fact that you’d even consider having me back makes me the luckiest fucker alive.”

Remus wiped at his eyes, embarrassed to be caught crying again. Sirius grabbed his other wrist so that both of them were wrapped in his fingers. He just looked at Remus, shook his head minutely and smiled earnestly.

Remus leaned in and kissed him. His lips were chapped but the kiss was soft and tender. Sirius brought his hands to cup Remus’s cheeks. He took the lobe of one of his ears between finger and thumb and stroked it as his tongue ran over Remus’s lip and into his mouth. Remus clung to him, a hand on either hip.

Every deft movement of Sirius’s tongue was practised and lovely, and he was maybe, quite possibly going to melt into the bench with the seagull poo and ice cream remnants.

Sirius pulled away and pressed their foreheads together, like he had the day they had first kissed. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” He ghosted a finger over Remus’s bottom lip. Remus kissed it, then found himself sucking it into his mouth, running his tongue over the swirl of his finger print.

Sirius closed his eyes and breathed in deeply before snorting into laughter. “Right, stop, or I’m going to get a boner.”

Remus’s face broke into a smile. This close, he could see the creases in Sirius’s eyes when he smiled. This close, he could forget that they were in slightly depressing Formby and imagine they were anywhere at all.

“I might need a little while before we...” Remus trailed off.

“Shag,” Sirius nodded. “Yeah, absolutely. There’s no rush at all. I want you to feel completely comfortable. It honestly doesn’t matter at all. If you decide that you’re not ready till we’re ninety, I’ll still be just fine with that, seriously. I am very proficient at getting myself off and if it means I get to be around you--”

“I forgot how much you talk.” Remus’s mouth tugged up at one side.

Sirius’s cheeks reddened a little at that. He sighed contentedly and stared out to the (slightly mucky looking) sea for a moment, then back to Remus. He pushed a strand of hair out of Remus’s eyes and let his eyes flit over his face for a moment. “You’re really fucking beautiful,” he said, voice scratchy and sincere. “Now come on, let’s see this beach, then.” He dragged him by the hand, towards the white sand, Remus grinning the whole way and Paddy pulling so hard towards the water that Remus almost fell over.

Sirius, of course, insisted that they paddle in the shallows. Which was all well and good, but he was wearing Remus’s only pair of shorts, which meant that Remus had to roll his jeans up as far as they would go, which was not particularly far. The sea was choppy and the water had saturated his jeans within moments. But it was hard to care with Sirius holding his hand, looking out into the void, pointing excitedly at ships on the horizon and dinghies bobbing along nearby, Paddy leaping about in the water like it was what he was born to do.

Soon, Sirius was leaping around in the water with Paddy as they threw sticks to one another (Paddy was not only a proficient stick catcher, but he was particularly adept at flinging the stick back to his besotted owner).

Remus watched, smiling, safely from the shoreline, waving occasionally. Eventually, Sirius and Paddy trekked back onto dry land. Sirius shook the water from his hair like he was in some ridiculous aftershave advert and his sodden t-shirt clung to all his best bits as he grinned impishly.

Remus’s stomach flipped. And this time, he wasn’t even cross about it.

--

Remus’s dad had fired up the barbecue when they got back. His mum had been to the ‘posh’ supermarket especially and bought every manner of delicious, marinated meat, which they served up with salad from the garden and a zingy dressing outside on the patio.

Sirius’s dinner barely touched the sides. He loved nothing better than barbecue meat, and bread, and fancy olives, and tonight they were all in abundance.

Unlike last night, there was also beer. Cold, crisp ale straight from the fridge. Now Remus had relaxed enough to not feel so much like he was on high alert, he was almost able to relax and enjoy himself.

Almost.

“That’s the thing with Remus,” his mum started, “when he was little, he was always such a little worrier. A real stickler for the rules, wasn’t he, Lyall?”

“Yes, he was indeed. Do you remember when we were in the old campervan and the clutch had gone on the motorway? We pulled over onto the hard shoulder and popped him in the backseat and let him watch Pocahontas. But he had read a sign that said the hard shoulder was for emergencies only. And he was adamant that our situation wasn’t an emergency, even though the bloody van was totally shot.”

“Normally Pocahontas sorted him right out when he was being a Nervy Nelly, but he was beside himself right up until the rescue truck arrived.” Hope laughed and shook her head fondly.

Sirius’s shoulders bobbed up and down with laughter. “Yeah, I can picture that.”

“Always very kind, though,” she added. “There was that time he was worried this girl in his class wasn’t going to get a card on Valentine’s so he insisted on sending one to the whole class; boys and all.” She smiled to herself and winked. “Should have known.” She cackled, nudging Remus in the ribs.

“Yeah, thanks Mum.” Remus harrumphed. “I’m really pleased you’re telling my boyfriend about all of this super cool stuff.” He turned to Sirius. “Beer?”

“I’ll come too,” Sirius nodded. “You called me your boyfriend,” he said as soon as they were alone.

Remus’s head was in the fridge but he turned, jerkily, to face Sirius. “Oh. Yes I did. Sorry, was that weird?”

Sirius smiled cautiously and shook his head. He pressed a big, smacking kiss to Remus’s head. “Best thing you’ve ever said.” He smelled of the sea.

Remus smiled too. And as he delved back into the fridge to get them both a beer, Sirius’s hand awkwardly brushed the small of his back, which made him smile all the more.

--

Sirius still didn’t feel like he could kiss him whenever he wanted to. That much was clear when they went to bed that night when Sirius lay across from him and gazed at Remus’s lips with all the subtlety of a tsunami. They had always slept naked before everything happened, but now they were still in t-shirts and boxers, further apart in the bed than they ever were before. Sirius’s cheeks were a little flushed with sun and beer, and the bags under his eyes were less pronounced, but still there, reminding Remus that there was a way to go yet before he was back to normal; before they were back to normal.

Sirius had taken a cup of coffee up to bed with him. “Caffeine doesn’t even affect me anymore,” he’d assured Remus. “It’s fine.” He’d gulped it down in a couple of sips.

When Remus closed the gap between them with a soft press of the lips, Sirius sighed heavily, shoulder visibly relaxing into the bed. He tasted of bitter coffee, salt and beer. And something deeper and earthier and complex.

Remus brought a hand to the back of Sirius’s head, to the now short curls that dusted his long, slim neck.

Sirius’s hands held him firmly, just under his rib cage. Remus realised how much he’d missed those hands; large and sure and always so warm.

He slid his tongue into Sirius’s mouth and felt strongly that he couldn’t get close enough. He wanted to be engulfed.

Sirius’s hand brushed underneath his t-shirt and he ghosted his fingers over sensitive skin. He pulled away from the kiss, pupils blown and lips parted.

“Hey, I love you, Re.” He broke into a huge grin that made his eyes crinkle at the sides.

Something shifted in Remus’s chest. “I love you too,” he said, laughing incredulously. “Thanks for picking me.”

Sirius shook his head into the pillow, long lashes brushing his cheeks. He took Remus’s hand and pressed a kiss to the inside of his wrist, maintaining eye contact all the while. “Mate, I can’t believe you haven’t worked it out yet. I’d pick you every time.”

—

They stayed an extra day in the end. Remus especially wanted to show Sirius the delights of Wigan’s shittest pub, the Lickey Banker, which was even worse than he remembered. Sirius just wanted to spend whatever time he could with Remus. Remus suspected that he thought he was going to change his mind.

Not brave enough to mingle with the locals, they sat in the beer garden and drank flat lager, taking it in turns to suck it up and go to the bar with the pile of coins they had assembled on the bench from zipped wallet compartments and lint-filled trouser pockets.

As Remus was about to embark on his third beer, a young, attractive woman with dark skin, red lipstick and chemically straightened hair came and sat on the bench with them. She spoke with a broad northern accent and smelled strongly of wine and overwhelming perfume.

“Hi guys, sorry to interrupt. But you see, my friend over there keeps saying I’m drunk. But I think I’m absolutely fine, so you’re the break-tier.”

“Tie-breaker? Remus guessed, smiling sweetly.

“Yes! Oh gosh, you’re so clever aren’t you?” She slapped a hand onto both of their shoulders. “Guys, I just want to say that you both have a really nice vibe. Me and my friend Marina, yeah? We went on an aura reading course. Turns out I’m really amazing at it. Can I do yours?”

Sirius’s lips twitched into an amused little smile. “What’s your name?”

“Jada,” the woman beamed.

“Well Jada, I think I speak for both of us when I say nothing would make us happier than having our aura read by someone so capable and obviously very sane and sober.”

Jada squealed in excitement and burrowed her way in between them. “Right, I’m going to start with you,” she turned to Sirius. “Good lord, you’re handsome. I mean, he’s okay,” she gestured at Remus, “but you are movie star handsome.”

Sirius laughed it off but Remus couldn’t help himself. “I tell him that all the time, but he’s very shy, you know. He doesn’t like to make a big deal of it.”

“Got it!” Jada nodded with violent jerks of her head. “I am discreet as anything, don’t mind me!”

“Phew, thanks Jada,” Remus smiled.

“So, handsome. Your aura is red and energetic. It moves around a lot. You have great passion for your friends and someone who is more than that to you. You are impatient and you get overexcited but deep down you are a pretty decent chap. Go get her, soldier.”

She turned to Remus. “And yours is dark and velvety, like chocolate. You worry too much and if you don’t just grab life by the balls and step out of your comfort zone, all the good stuff will pass you by. You love someone who burns so brightly.” She gasped. “Oh shit, you love each other!”

Remus glanced at Sirius who was still trying not to giggle.

“Oh I have some very good vibes off this, you know? You two will go the distance. You have very complimentary auras. And you must relax enough to enjoy the ride he takes you on,” she nodded at Remus.

She took her phone out of her pocket. “Oh shit, Pedro’s calling.” She declined the call. “That means he’s outside.” She gestured towards the man she had been sitting with who, by now, was looking more than a little put out. “I’m going to ditch him. He has the aura of a brown paper bag. But Pedro fancies me.” She switched to a melodramatic stage whisper which was almost as loud as her normal volume (very). “Pedro’s going to get it tonight. But don’t tell him.”

She tried to stand up but got her foot caught in the workings of the bench and Sirius had to help her free it. Once she had gone, after insisting on kissing Sirius on the lips, he sat back next to Remus, making sure not to leave a gap between them this time.

“I just saw her whole vagina,” Remus sighed. “How do we always attract these people?”

“I can’t remember the last time we were that smashed in the afternoon. I almost... admire her commitment?”

“Poor Pedro’s going to get a pegging tonight. Hope he’s prepared,” Remus snorted and Sirius spat out his beer all over the table.

“Warn me before you talk about pegging!”

“And spoil my fun? Never.”

Sirius wiped at his mouth, grinning, taking several long moments to recover.

--

They left early the next morning. Remus pretended not to notice his mum shedding a little tear as they said goodbye. Sirius got hugs from them both, too, which made Remus particularly happy for some reason.

“You’ll both come back soon, yes?” she asked as they all crowded in the hallway.

“Definitely,” Remus smiled, stooping down to kiss her on the cheek. “Thank you for having us.”

“Thank you so much, Hope, Lyall. I’ve had a blast ‘up north’” He said the last two words in an inflated version of Remus’s accent which earned him a gentle kick in the shin from Remus.

Hope pressed a banana loaf into Sirius’s hand and hugged him one more time.

“Not at all, darling. We’re so happy the two of you have worked things out, aren’t we, Lyall?”

Remus’s dad smiled and nodded. “We like you much better than the Italian. Stroppy bugger, wasn’t he?”

Sirius beamed, clearly delighted. “He was a bit. I never liked him much, really, for obvious reasons.” He slid a hand into Remus’s. Remus rolled his eyes, smiling but the gesture got a laugh from his mum.

After yet more hugs, they had secured Paddy in the back seat and they were away.

“Are we going via London, then?” Remus asked. “Get your stuff?”

Sirius breathed out a little laugh through his nose. “Nah, no way. You couldn’t pay me to go back to that hotel right now. I have spent the last month fantasising about home.”

“What about your things?”

“They’re all packed up. I guess I can get them couriered or something. I’ll work it out. It’s not loads anyway.”

“I’m a bit giddy that you’re coming home.”

“You’re giddy? I have a little bit of a boner just thinking about our crappy shower and the mould and your little herb garden and that beautiful beast of a breadmaker.”

“Well that’s because you are a regulation oddball. Fancy, clean hotel in the coolest part of one of the best cities in the world? No thanks, I’ll go for the draughty, shitty little house in Cardiff with my strange little family and a neighbour with huge, saggy tits who doesn’t know how to shut the curtains.”

“See, you get it,” Sirius grinned.

“Have you texted James? He and Lils are going to be on tenterhooks about how your bold gesture went.”

“Yeah.” Sirius cracked the window. “He just sent me fifteen aubergine emojis.”

Remus scoffed. “Can I ask you a question?” he asked, eyes on the road.

“Of course.” Sirius replied.

“It’s stupid,” Remus admitted.

“Try me.”

“You’re not going to go again, right? Am I enough for you?”

Sirius’s foot slipped off the accelerator and the car jerked. “You’re right, it’s stupid,” he said tersely.

Remus breathed out slowly through his nose. “Sorry, I just-- I think I was feeling really confident and good about everything when we got together. I didn’t even give a shit about taking my top off in front of you which is usually a big deal, and I felt... good. Great. But my confidence has been knocked a bit, I suppose.” He glanced over. Sirius’s expression gave nothing away.

“I’ve loved you for a really long time,” Sirius said eventually. “This isn’t me going back and forth, changing my mind about what I want; that’s always been you.”

Remus sniffed.

“I only ever want to make you feel better about yourself, and I hate that I made you feel anything but totally adored.” He put a hand on Remus’s knee and squeezed lightly. “It’s for me to build all of that confidence back up.” He shot him a hooded glance. “I’m going to do everything I can to get you there. But just so we’re clear, having you as a boyfriend is everything I want.” He sighed deeply. “Like, I’m just-- I’m gutted that you could even think for a moment that you’re not enough. You’re fucking... it, Re.”

Remus’s heart was pounding. Sirius sat, quiet and pensive, staring at the cars ahead of them.

“Thank you for saying that,” he said eventually. “I just need to deal with the tiny little nagging voice in my head that says you’ll want to do something more exciting with your life.”

“Pfft,” Sirius did laugh at that. “I want to do any number of exciting things with my life. I want to travel and get a cool job, preferably taming lions or something. I want eight more dogs and a really cool house that I’ve designed and built myself. I want to actually go to Pittsburgh and watch the Pens play and lose my shit over Kris Letang.”

“I looked him up. You do realise that he looks an awful lot like you? I swear, your narcissism has reached new heights,” Remus laughed.

Sirius grinned. “But my point, Re, is that I want to do all of those things with you there. Otherwise, where’s the fun in any of it? The cool house needs to have a library for you, and a real garden with a big fuck off pond so you can tell me about all the different types of newt we have living there, otherwise it’s not going to be the cool house of my dreams.”

“I don’t know anything about newts,” Remus smiled sheepishly.

“Yes, but you would. If we had newts in our garden. And that’s the point.”

Remus properly laughed at that. “I’ve always quite liked newts, actually.”

“Bloody knew it,” Sirius laughed breathlessly.

They fell into an easy silence as they drove through a place called Knutsford. It gave Remus a chance to solidify his thoughts on a particular issue that had been on his mind.

“Sirius?”

“Mm?”

“I’m ready to get naked with you again.”

And he wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but he could have sworn that Sirius pressed down just a little bit harder on the accelerator hearing that.

--

They pulled into their street and Sirius executed some slightly rusty parallel parking. He turned to Remus once he had silenced the engine and flashed him a little calming smile. They got Remus’s bags out and trekked into the house. The keys jangled as Remus put them down on the hall table. He got Paddy a fresh bowl of water and found Sirius in the lounge, looking at photographs that Remus had framed while he was away; the ones from Lily’s camera that had been the catalyst for their first kiss.

“I love these,” Sirius said, looking up as Remus walked in. “God, when I first saw them, I was so worried you’d freak out.”

“I did,” Remus smiled. “But only because I was like ‘oh shit, this is happening!’ and it was fucking huge. James helped me get my head around it.”

“Always knew I liked that boy.” Sirius stood up and walked into Remus’s space, fussing the hem of Remus’s t-shirt between his finger and thumb and searching his eyes with twinkling, grey ones of his own. “Everything alright?”

Remus nodded. He glanced down to Sirius’s lips which were pink and trembling, just ever so slightly. He leaned forwards and pressed their lips together in a sweet, delicate kiss which only lasted a moment. Sirius pulled away and ghosted his thumb over Remus’s lips. “Take all the time you need,” he said, voice hoarse and full of want. “Honestly, Re, I don’t want to rush you. I know you said you were there, but--”

Remus shook his head in an almost imperceptible motion. He reached a hand behind his head and pulled his t-shirt off in one motion, letting it drop to the floor. “I’m ready. I want you.”

Sirius’s brow furrowed as he searched Remus’s face for any sign of reticence. It was obviously nowhere to be found as he took a hand and ran it from Remus’s neck, down his chest and splayed it out on Remus’s stomach. He pressed a kiss to his temple, then to his neck, and when their mouths found each other, Sirius trembled and moaned. “I’m a bit overwhelmed,” he admitted, lips millimeters from Remus’s as he rubbed tiny circles onto Remus’s jutting hip bone.

“It’s okay,” Remus nodded. “It’s okay.”

He kissed Sirius again, harder; a mark of intent. And then Sirius’s t-shirt had joined Remus’s on the floor. Remus broke away for a moment to take him all in, and when that wasn’t sufficient, he let his hands roam over Sirius’s collarbones, his scarred shoulder, his gorgeous chest with its dusting of black hair. They kissed slowly, carefully, knowing that there was no rush to get where they were going.

Remus was hard and he could feel that Sirius was too when they pressed up against each other. Sirius nibbled on Remus’s collarbone, then licked a stripe up his neck to the sensitive lobe of his ear.

Remus whimpered and took Sirius’s face in both hands, thumbs stroking gently over his angular cheekbones.

Sirius’s eyes fluttered closed at the delicate gesture and Remus pressed butterfly kisses to the fragile skin of his eyelids.

Remus found his fingers travelling to Sirius’s belt, which he unbuckled while he tasted the skin of Sirius’s chest, and the slightly different taste of his nipples and the flat of his belly. He slid Sirius’s trousers down to the floor and ran a thumb along the waistband of his pants. He looked down to see Sirius, hard and trembling in his pants, the dusting of dark hair that led from his navel downwards, a kind of instruction manual on how to get him off.

Remus took off his own shorts, maintaining eye contact the whole while. He stripped his pants off and guided Sirius backwards until the backs of his legs hit the sofa. Sirius sat down and brought Remus down to straddle him, their dicks brushing together as Sirius stroked firm lines up and down his sides.

All of it felt important. In the past, they had been known to have desperate, animal sex; sex to soothe; sex to make up; sex that made each other laugh.

But this was different. This was sex to rebuild what had been damaged. And as such, they took each other apart with precisely placed fingers and immaculate presses of tongues. Sirius lay Remus out on the sofa, cradling his head as he lowered it down to rest on the arm of the chair. He licked little kisses right the way down his body, from his Adam's apple to the soft fuzz of the hair that descended from his naval.

Remus threaded his fingers through soft black curls of hair that felt different but the same as Sirius settled himself between his legs and began to press staccato kisses to the base of his dick, so lightly that it was almost painful. He traced his tongue up the shaft and flicked his tongue around the head, tasting him for the first time in a fucking eternity. As he took him into his mouth whole, looking up at him eyes impossibly bright, Remus had to squeeze his eyes shut to cope with every sensation and emotion, a thousand of which thrummed through him all at once.

He was close in no time at all, but Sirius pulled away and climbed up his body. He kissed him, stroking his shoulders and back, tongue rediscovering Remus’s mouth.

He was so warm.

Sirius extracted himself for a moment to get lube and a condom. When he reappeared at the door, his eyes roamed all over Remus’s prostrate body and he hummed. Remus sat up so his feet were on the floor and held his arms out to his very naked boy. Sirius let himself be engulfed, nuzzling kisses into his neck and settling himself so that he had a knee either side of Remus’s lap.

They exchanged more kisses; hot and brimming with love and need. Remus squeezed some cool lube onto his fingers and pressed inside Sirius, fingers mimicking the movements of his tongue.

Sirius’s whole body shuddered as he whispered “I need you.”

Remus shivered at every nerve ending that sparked when he spoke. He pulled Sirius even closer and pressed himself inside him, eliciting a guttural noise from the boy who sat astride him, repentant and broken apart.

Sirius’s hands were clenched around Remus’s back, fingers digging into the flesh there. It would leave a mark, he knew, and he didn’t mind in the slightest. For his part, he was also clutching onto Sirius like nothing else mattered in the whole fucking world.

When Remus came, it was with his chest pressed into Sirius’s, their sweat mingling and Sirius’s teeth pressed into his neck. He stayed inside Sirius, whose legs were wrapped tightly around Remus’s waist, and he pulled him off in firm, determined strokes, tender dick thrusting into him a couple more times as he came with a cry, painting both of them with his cum.

Remus smiled slowly and lifted his hand up to his mouth, licking it clean then sliding his tongue into Sirius’s mouth so he could taste himself on him.

That night, they ate chickpea curry, watched Juno and played Bananagrams. And it was as perfect an evening as Remus could remember.

Chapter 12: August

Notes:

This is the final proper chapter! But there will be a little epilogue coming soon.

Hope you enjoy! Let me know.

A x

“Can we take Paddy?” Sirius asked as he stuck his head in the fridge, rooting around in the back and re-emerging with a block of dark chocolate with sour cherries; Remus’s favourite.

Remus, sat at the table reading, snorted a derisive laugh and didn’t look up. “Sirius, I am not asking my PHD supervisor who has very kindly invited us to a very grown up dinner party whether we can take our ungainly hound with us.”

Sirius snapped off a square of chocolate and popped it in his mouth, his lips forming an ‘o’ shape as he let it melt a little on his tongue. “Marlene’s going - it’s hardly going to be grown up, is it? And I think he’d be the perfect dinner party guest. He’s always very appreciative of any food that comes his way, and he makes for a better conversationalist than... well, Pete.”

“No, Sirius. They have an infant. Paddy isn’t child-tested. No way am I prepared for an accidental baby mauling.”

They both looked over at Paddy who was lovingly licking his toy chicken, fondly and inventively known as ‘Chicken’ in the Lupin-Black household.

Sirius laughed fondly. “You’re right, he’s a real savage, that one. Definite baby mauler.”

Remus elbowed him gently in the stomach and let Sirius press a square of chocolate into his mouth, fingers resting on Remus’s lips for a moment.

“Regardless,” Remus said after he’d swallowed. “I’d rather not.”

“That’s fine,” Sirius shrugged. “Perhaps he can have an evening with Uncle Pete. What do you reckon, Pads?”

Paddy lifted his head and cocked it to one side. He sighed and flopped back down onto the floor, resuming his affectionate Chicken licking.

“So anyway, it’s on Wednesday. Are you in or not?”

“Course I am,” Sirius grinned. “I’ll get my shift covered.”

It was two days since they had come back from Wigan. Two short days spent in close proximity, cautiously rediscovering their own special brand of easy intimacy and the simple joy of having the other nearby.

And yes, they’d picked up where they left off when it came to naked fun. But there was something new, right in the backs of Sirius’s eyes that made Remus feel even more bare under his touch, under his gaze. There was something sacred and careful in the way Sirius pressed his hands to his ribcage, in the clutch of his fingers to his neck, in the way he trembled as Remus pressed inside him. All of it was the same, but-- not.

Remus didn’t hear Sirius walking up to him but felt his warmth as he leaned into the back of his head and nosed at his floppy, clean hair, breathing him in. He pressed kisses through Remus’s hair and down to the soft curve of his neck.

“I’m looking forward to it,” he said quietly, rubbing his hands up and down Remus’s shoulders, making Remus shiver. “Your hair’s getting so long. I reckon I could give you a topknot,” he laughed running nimble fingers over his scalp.

“God, I know. I desperately need a haircut but my hairdresser has rudely gone on holiday so I need to wait another week.”

“Mmm, I love it; it’s so soft and floppy.” He leaned down and kissed Remus on the mouth; hard and slow, the sweet tang of chocolate lingering on his tongue. “Unlike some other bits of you.” He snorted.

Remus rolled his eyes, lifted his arms out to him and ushered him down until he was sat on his lap and he nuzzled his head into the space between Sirius’s shoulder and armpit. He smelled of sweat, mingled with boyish deodorant and washing powder.

Remus pulled his head out and ran his hands over Sirius’s hips. “I could never have been with a woman,” he sniffed him in. “Boys smell too good.”

Sirius laughed at that. “We do. You smell like a fucking meadow. I have no idea what you do. Like, do you even wear aftershave? Or do you just smell like that? I think it might be your actual skin?”

Remus sniggered.

“Seriously, is there a nose equivalent to gulping? Because I just want to gulp your smell in.” Sirius nuzzled at his neck and pressed an open-mouthed kiss to his collarbone while Remus attempted to swat him away.

“Unhand me. We need to get ready,” Remus laughed, just as Sirius’s tongue snaked into his earhole. “Bleugh, what are you doing? Even you can’t make ear licking sexy, you brute.” He wriggled about underneath Sirius to indicate that they needed to get up off the chair. Eventually, Sirius got the message. He sighed theatrically and padded off to the bedroom to change.

He reemerged moments later, dressed in black from head to toe, sporting a sheepish look as he scratched absently at the back of his head.

“I’m wearing your pants,” he said, reaching in the drawer of the hall table for a roll of poo bags for Paddy.

“I see,” Remus sighed, mouth tugging up at the side. “And why is that?”

“Mine are all dirty.”

“Yes, I thought that might be it. You know they’re always going to be dirty unless you actually do some washing?” Remus grabbed a hoodie from one of the pegs in the hallway and shrugged it on.

“On some level, I do know that. And yet it always comes as a surprise,” he grinned. He put Paddy’s lead on and kissed Remus on the forehead before they headed out into the humid evening air.

They reached the pub in plenty of time to scoop the good table and played some darts until the others showed up.

“It’ll be fine,” Remus nodded at Sirius as he nervously eyed the door.

“I know, it’s just-- well, it’s the first time I’ve seen anyone. And I know how cross they are with me. With good reason, actually.” He breathed out slowly. “It’s just going to be a bit awkward.”

“They’re your best friends,” Remus said calmly. “All will be forgiven.”

In a way, they had both been right. It was quiz night and all the gang was present; three couples and Peter.

Lily had given Sirius the most enthusiastic greeting, opting to pull him in close and kiss him on the cheek. “Don’t do that again,” she’d whispered into his ear, but Remus caught it.

James had nodded amicably at him. “Alright, Tossbag?” he’d said.

Peter had told him it was nice to see him and launched into a string of difficult to answer questions that had prompted Sirius to go to the bar in an almost huff.

Marlene and Dorcas were tougher nuts to crack. Dorcas, in particular, spent the first hour of the evening scowling at Sirius from across the table. He’d noticed, obviously, because he kept catching her eye and was getting quieter as the evening went on, possibly in a bid to keep from irritating her further.

When Sirius went out for a cigarette mid-way through the quiz, James slipped out after him and Remus turned on Dorcas, ready to let rip. “Will you stop?” he hissed.

Dorcas whipped her fair hair over her shoulder. She had shaved one side of her head and was looking edgy, even for her. “Stop what?” she asked coolly.

“Can you cut him some slack please?” Remus pleaded, tracing a finger through the condensation his glass had left on the table.

She looked him square in the eye. “No,” she huffed. “I’m your friend, not his. And he fucked you over. So no, I will not cut him some slack.”

Remus sighed. “There’s no need to pick sides now. There wasn’t before, if we’re being technical. But we’re on the same side, Sirius and I. So can we all be grown ups about this please?”

She glared at him. And slowly, her icy glare seemed to thaw. “Well, okay. But if he hurts you again, his ass is mine.”

Remus exhaled slowly through his nose. “Just stop it with the withering looks, okay? He’s given himself enough shit and he doesn’t need more of it from you.”

Dorcas shrugged noncommittally, but when Sirius came back, her expression was one of neutrality rather than outright hostility.

Sirius was really trying. He kept the drinks flowing at his own expense all night. He didn’t tell any tasteless jokes and he even pulled Lily’s chair out for her when she came back from the loo. But it was clear that the gang were still deciding just how cross they needed to be with him. Even James was decidedly cool for most of the evening (though Remus had spotted him hugging Sirius in the breakout area when he went out for a cigarette and James thought that nobody was watching, so Remus assumed that he was strictly just keeping up appearances).

By the final round, Sirius looked a little downtrodden. Remus had kept him close all night and the reassuring hand he had placed on his thigh was practically a permanent feature of the evening.

“Can I just--” Sirius said quietly during a lull. “Can I just say that I owe all of you a huge apology.” He drew in a strained breath and exhaled loudly. “I wish I could go back and do it differently. I hurt all of you. I hurt Re.”

Remus could feel his knee trembling under his touch.

“I make no excuse for my behaviour and the consequences are mine to live with.” He took a furtive sip of beer and swallowed thickly. “I just-- I’m overwhelmingly pleased to be home and I hope things will be a bit more normal with time because I really fucking missed you guys. And I am sorry.”

Lily cleared her throat. “Black, we’re glad you’re safe. That’s the main thing. We’ve got you back and nobody got hurt. The baby will have his inappropriate uncle and you’re back with your dream boy again. The rest will sort itself out.”

There were nods from around the table and Sirius smiled reluctantly, lacing his fingers with Remus’s under the table and squeezing gently.

“Wait a llama-spitting minute,” Marlene spat. “His inappropriate uncle? Was this a covert announcement?”

Lily beamed at the group. “Bollocks. I didn’t mean to do that. But... yes?”

“We’re having a boy,” James grinned a grin that consumed his whole face.

“Holy shit!” Sirius clapped him on the back. “Well, fuck me, there’s going to be two of them!”

James put his arm around Lily and gave her a big squeeze. “That’s not all, actually. We’re... erm... we’re getting married.”

“In three weeks,” Lily nodded. “In Hampshire. At James’s. You can all come.”

A profound silence fell over the group.

“I’m sorry, what now?” Marlene asked, agog, after a few moments.

“We thought about eloping,” Lily explained. “But then, we didn’t want to upset James’s mum. And we would really like you all to be there. It’s going to be very low key. Like a garden party, but with some vows.”

More silence.

James laughed nervously. “I mean, look. We were always going to get married. And now we’re having a baby, so a big, over the top wedding just doesn’t feel like the priority anymore.”

“Plus, I don’t want to be the size of a house when we do it. In three weeks, I’ll just about be able to squeeze into a dress that isn’t a tent.” Lily smiled at them all and broke into a yawn. “Can you all hurry up and react so I can go to bed, please? I have thrown up nineteen times today and being sober for quiz night is a brand new kind of hell.”

--

“Lily was right,” Sirius said casually as they walked home.

“Hmm?”

“You are my dream boy.” He let out a little laugh.

Remus looked at him incredulously. He winced. “Me?”

“Yeah,” Sirius beamed. “You. You wouldn’t believe how many times my dreams featured you, over the years.”

“Was I clothed?”

“Sometimes not. Sometimes, you were doing filthy things to me. But mostly, it was just this.” He brought their clasped hands up in front of them. “Holding your hand, being able to tell you how much I like you... this closeness.”

Remus could feel himself flushing. “And do I live up to the dreams?”

“I didn’t know it at the time but the dreams were shit, mate. This is fucking everything.”

“I used to dream about you, too. But mine were all filthy,” Remus grinned. He breathed in the cool night air and sighed contentedly. “I can’t believe they’re getting married.”

Sirius paused in the middle of the pavement and his face creased up in thought. “It’s good,” he nodded. “It’s definitely good.”

--

Remus slowly found himself relaxing back into it. They were back to sleeping in Sirius’s bed, back to lazy morning kisses and twilit walks in the park with the dog. Remus was back to cooking properly (it had barely felt worth cooking when it was just for one), and Sirius’s hair had grown so that it stuck out just a little bit less at the sides.

Sirius had managed to convince Karen at the pub to let him come back to work. He was doing full time hours but mostly the early shift so he was home for dinner most nights. The only night shifts he did were those where he could be on with Remus and Hayley. On Sirius’s first shift, he slid behind the bar and started making easy conversation with Harold, pouring him a pint without looking down, and it was almost like he’d never been away at all.

It was Remus’s summer break, which meant that the weeks stretched out unformed before him. He picked up some extra shifts at the pub but found that he had a wealth of extra time on his hands.

He had always been someone who relished structure; something to base his day around. The summer holidays tended to be a challenge as there was nothing to get up for and nothing to tire him out enough to ensure he got a decent night’s sleep. The less he did, the less he wanted to do. That was the problem. One day, it was only as they went to bed that he realised he hadn’t left the house at all.

“I need a project,” he mumbled sleepily into Sirius’s shoulder. “Something to occupy me.”

Sirius buried his nose in Remus’s hair and played with a few errant strands. His voice was muffled when he spoke. “Well, those Gilmore Girls repeats aren’t going to watch themselves, you know.”

“Oh, hush. I mean something real. I’m always best when I’m busy, otherwise my anxiety just starts taking over and I can barely function.”

Sirius tightened his hold on him just a little. “Are you feeling anxious right now?”

“Not at this very moment, but this week, I have been, yeah. Kind of jittery. I’m getting heart palpitations and keep having all these vivid dreams. Think I’m just a little bit on edge.”

“Anything in particular, do you think?” He pressed a kiss to Remus’s head and messed with the hair at the nape of his neck.

Remus thought for a moment. “I think the Crohn’s flare got me a bit messed up, actually. Did I tell you I have gallstones? I mean, why the fuck do I have gallstones? I’m twenty-four!”

“You didn’t tell me.” Sirius’s voice sounded deep and raspy. “Are they anything to worry about?”

“Apparently not. They are common with IBD. I just--” He sighed. “Sometimes I feel like my body is falling apart.”

Sirius slid a hand down Remus’s side and squeezed his bum cheek. “Not from where I’m standing.”

Remus huffed a laugh but pressed on, regardless. “I was healthy for a few years, I guess, and I got used to it. Now it feels like Crohn’s is just there, lurking, reminding me that I shouldn’t get lulled into a false sense of security because it can fuck me up whenever it sees fit.” He lifted his head from Sirius’s shoulder and let it fall back onto the pillow so Sirius could kiss gently at the curve of his throat.

“Right, I’m taking two things from this conversation. One is that we need to get you as healthy as possible: eating right, big long walks, slightly less beer and fewer biscuits. Two is that you’re struggling with anxiety, understandably so.”

Remus nodded faintly and squeezed his eyes closed for a moment. “Yeah, that’s the measure of it.”

“Anyway, I think a bit of anxiety is normal, especially as you’ve had your fair share of health problems over the years. But if it’s getting problematic, would you consider getting some counselling?”

Remus made a non-committal noise in the back of his throat.

“I will if you will.” Sirius looked up at him with an open, easy look on his face. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while, actually. Speaking to a professional. About, you know, all the family stuff. Getting my head around some of that.”

Remus wondered why he’d never thought of suggesting that before. Both of them had their scars and not all of them were physical, he knew. It would be strange if Sirius had lived through all that trauma without any consequences at all. He knew straight away that he’d do whatever he could to encourage him to get some help.

“Okay,” he said quietly. “If you will, I will.”

Sirius grinned sappily at him. “If I were you, I’d go and see your GP on Monday. It’s been ages since you’ve gone for a routine appointment. They can see if your anemia has got better and you can mention the palpitations and the anxiety. I’m sure they’d understand and help you out. I’ll come with you, if you want.”

Remus blinked at him. “Really?”

“Yes, silly. Of course I’ll come if it’ll be helpful.”

“Okay,” Remus nodded.

“Okay.” Sirius brought their lips together and kissed him with a soft, gentle mouth, clutching a hand to his hip and holding him close.

--

Remus’s GP, Dr Gwen, was the sort of woman who instilled confidence right away. She was in her fifties, if Remus had to guess, and had a severe grey bob and glasses with spunky plastic frames. Sirius sat on the chair nearest the door; a constant, calming presence, while she gently scolded Remus for not coming sooner for the blood tests they’d recommended when he left the hospital. She typed almost inhumanly quickly as Remus reeled off the tests he needed.

“Right, I’ve ordered those so I’ll give you a form to take to reception and they can book you in.”

“Great, thank you.”

“And was there anything else you wanted to discuss today? Tummy all okay?” She asked, green eyes boring into his.

He turned to catch Sirius’s eye. Sirius nodded gently but said nothing.

“I’ve-- er. I’ve been feeling quite anxious,” he said, too quickly, conscious that the plastic seat was making his arse sweat and wondering whether he would leave a wet mark when he stood up.

Dr Gwen barely blinked. Because of course, she heard this all the time. So why did it feel like a moment of weakness on his part?

“Right,” she nodded, recommencing her lightning fast typing. “Describe your anxiety to me, Remus. How does it feel when it rears its ugly head?”

He swallowed. “I get palpitations. And my legs go a bit trembly. And I get this sort of swooping feeling in my stomach, like something awful is about to happen.”

“And these palpitations,” she pressed. “What do they feel like?”

“Sort of like my heart has skipped a beat then pumps really really hard to make up for it.”

“Are they worse with exercise?”

“No.”

“Any chest pain?”

“No.”

“Have you noticed anything that exacerbates them?” She ceased typing for a moment to dig out her stethoscope and listen carefully to his heart.

“Caffeine,” Remus nodded. “Lack of sleep. Stress.”

She nodded, retreating back to her keyboard. “Your heart sounds fine, no clicks or murmurs. But I’d like to order a 24 hour ECG for you. It’s a portable monitor. You wear it for a day and a night and it lets us check that nothing sinister is going on.”

“Okay,” he said quietly.

“If I had to guess, I’d say that stress and lifestyle are the major factors. Or if you’re still anemic, it could be that. We can always prescribe you a beta blocker if you are finding the palpitations particularly bothersome.”

“Okay.”

“But we also need to work on reducing your anxiety, hmm? There are a couple of options, really. Counselling or pills. I’d probably suggest giving counselling a go, then we can look at drugs if and when it becomes necessary.”

Remus, who already took plenty of pills for his Crohn’s, was perfectly okay with that course of action. Dr Gwen did the referral for him while he sat there, twiddling his thumbs.

“In the meantime, Remus, I’d like you to try some relaxation techniques. There’s all sorts that people find helpful: exercise, meditation, aromatherapy. Maybe give some of them a try, see what works, okay?”

Remus nodded, more resolutely this time. “Yes. Yeah. Thank you.”

“And please don’t leave it so long before your next appointment,” Dr Gwen smiled wryly. “These things never get better the longer you put them off.”

Sirius held the door open for him as they left and held his hand as they waited in the queue for reception. “Good job well done,” he smiled when they were on the way home. He steered Remus towards the little garden centre that constituted one of Remus’s ‘happy places’ and carried all the tomato plants Remus excitedly selected home without a grumble.

--

“You look hot,” Remus announced when Sirius walked into the kitchen, shower-fresh and wearing the white shirt.

Sirius snorted. “Hot? You’re my boyfriend. Aren’t you meant to say I look nice-- or, or-- handsome?”

“Hot,” Remus affirmed, grabbing him by the collar and kissing him hard so that Sirius was a little breathless by the time they parted. “I didn’t used to be able to tell you. But now I can. So. You look hot.”

Sirius beamed at him. “Thanks. You are also a fitty and I am looking forward to you coming inside me when the evening is out.”

Remus breathed out a surprised little laugh and reached a hand out for Sirius to help him up. “Are we walking or taking an Uber?”

“I promised Dr Gwen I’d walk you.”

“I’m not a dog.”

“No. But you still need walking. Come on, it’s not that far.”

The news had been full, for the last week or so, with talk of an impending heatwave, but when they stepped out, the evening was cool and clear.

When they knocked at Benjy’s door, there was no answer for at least thirty seconds. A beautiful, olive-skinned woman answered the door, baby perched on her hip and sweat dripping from her brow.

“Ah, you must be Remus!” the woman laughed a little hysterically. She had a strong Italian accent and smelled of old fashioned perfume. “And Seerus!” She kissed them both on each cheek and thrust the baby into Sirius’s arms before scurrying back into the kitchen and engaging in a heated discussion with Benjy in fast, punchy Italian.

Sirius’s face was a picture. He looked at Remus, then down at the baby, then back at Remus. He shrugged, and they made their way into the kitchen after Violetta.

“Remus!” Benjy almost yelled, gratefully taking the two bottles of wine they had brought with them. “And you must be Sirius.”

Sirius easily shifted the baby so he could hold her in one arm, cradled to his body. With the other hand, he reached out and shook Benjy’s.

“Gosh, well you’re very attractive, aren’t you?” Benjy nodded appraisingly. “I just assumed you’d be more... erm, bookish. Absolutely thrilled you’re not though. Hopefully you’ll serve as enough of a distraction for Violetta so she doesn’t realise that I’ve burned the bloody risotto.” He grinned at both of them. “Drink?”

The baby, Alba, was also very taken with Sirius. She chatted away in gobbledygook, asking him indecipherable questions and wiping her drool on his shirt. He didn’t seem to mind all that much as he took a glass of wine and began to talk to her like she was perfectly grown up and understood everything he was saying while she stared at him, enraptured.

“This is the quietest she’s been all day,” Benjy said, impressed. “Now, you’re not allowed to move all evening. You’re not, by any chance, on the lookout for any au pair opportunities, are you? I’m serious, that little she-devil likes nobody! No-one!”

Sirius flashed him a grin. “‘Fraid not.”

Remus didn’t say anything because he was too busy trying not to find the sight of Sirius chatting away to a baby, showing her various things around the room, insanely attractive. He was so very socially adept. And unflappable enough that a complete stranger plonking a child into his arms barely made him blink. And when had he ever been around children, Remus wondered. How could he be so at ease?

The doorbell rang and Remus made himself useful by answering the door to Dorcas and Marlene, who had also brought multiple bottles of wine. He ushered them into the kitchen and poured them each a drink while Violetta and Benjy bickered about which cheese to use in the risotto.

“Black, are you holding a baby?” Marlene asked, aghast.

“Apparently,” Sirius nodded.

“She’s decided she’d rather have a couple of gay dads,” Benjy explained. “Violetta and I have discussed it and while we are obviously sad to let her go, we have decided to honour her choice. Please let us visit every so often.”

By now, Sirius was rocking little Alba back and forth on his strong, muscular forearm and Remus’s mouth was a little bit dry. He sipped his wine and shut up.

When Sirius needed to go to the toilet, Remus ended up taking Alba. She reached out and squeezed his nose so hard his eyes started to water and then she started crying. But of course.

Sirius came back, whisked her out of Remus’s arms and started making little soothing noises at her. She gurgled wetly and Sirius dabbed at her eyes with the corner of his shirt. Within seconds, she was smiling brightly again.

“I think she can sense fear,” Remus grumbled just loud enough for Sirius to hear.

It was a great evening. Benjy and his wife were sweary and fun and freely admitted that they wanted to live vicariously through their younger guests. Alba fell asleep in her high chair while the adults (and sort of adults) ate and drank until the early hours.

When everyone agreed it was time to call it a night, Sirius stood up and kissed sleeping Alba on the head which made Remus’s probably defective heart swell hopelessly in his chest.

Benjy and Violetta made them promise to come back and Benjy had clearly decided that Dorcas and Remus’s partners were the best things since sliced bread. Which was nice.

“Thank you for showing me your world,” Sirius said quietly as they walked home. “You’re going to make a great professor one day.”

--

On Thursday, the heatwave hit and Sirius had lost his mind.

“But then, what if it’s a problem, Remus? Fuck, I mean she’s an old woman! What if I kill her!?”

Sirius was sat in their little garden, chain smoking irritably while Remus pruned his tomatoes and listened to his meltdown.

“I don’t think you’ll kill her,” Remus said, chest filling with warmth. “Sirius, I really think you should just get it over and done with.”

Sirius looked at him, startled. He had turned a little bit grey.

All of this had begun that morning when Sirius and James had been making wedding arrangements over breakfast. The gang were all going to stay at the Potter house and the wedding was going to take place in the garden, weather permitting. The house had plenty of space for all of them and Mrs Potter would gladly put them all up for a few nights.

And all of that was great. But Sirius had the realisation that he really didn’t want to have to spend the weekend pretending that he and Remus weren’t together, unable to sleep in the same bed or, in Sirius’s words, bust a move together on the dance floor.

James kindly pointed out that his mother was really rather short sighted. He offered to hide her glasses just after the ceremony so that the two of them could be as overtly couply as they wished, but Sirius politely declined.

All day, he had been having a little crisis while Remus pottered around him, tending to plants and making cups of coffee, trying not to perish in the heat.

Remus, after Sirius asked for the sixth time whether she was going to disown him, whipped his phone out and handed it to Sirius.

“Would you just call her?”

Sirius looked up at him with eyes that were almost impossibly wide. “Just call her?” he asked incredulously. “Listen to you! Just call her, he says!”

Another hour of flapping and smoking followed but he did call her, eventually. He put the phone on speaker mode so that he wouldn’t have to recount everything to Remus afterwards, but Remus sat very quietly, rubbing soothing circular motions on his back.

“Euphemia, hi!” Sirius gabbled, voice coming out far too high pitched.

“Hello, Sirius. How are you, love?”

Mrs Potter’s voice was full to bursting with affection for her adopted sort-of-son and Remus was almost certain that this conversation would not be a complete disaster.

“Yes, I’m... yes, good. Good! Good.” Sirius had turned bright red and was fiddling compulsively with his lighter which Remus gently prised from his fingers and placed in his own pocket.

“Are you sure? You sound a little bit strange, like you might be coming down with something. Have you got a sore throat?”

“Er. No. No, I’m quite well thank you. But I-- there is something I need to talk to you about. It’s about James’s wedding, actually. Sort of.”

“Okay. Are you worried about the catering, Sirius? Because Ellen said the firm is really very good. Excellent pork pies, apparently.”

“No!” Sirius said in a strangled little cry. “No, I’m sure the pork pies will be delicious. Ellen has very good taste in pastry goods, I’m sure.”

“Flawless taste in pastry goods,” Euphemia affirmed.

“Euphemia, I need you to stop talking about food for a moment because I’m getting distracted by my rumbling stomach and I really do need to tell you something. You see, I will be bringing Remus to the wedding.”

“Well, yes, dear. Remus is an usher, isn’t he? And you live together and all, and he doesn’t drive so I thought you’d be driving down together.”

“No!” Sirius said again, slumping further and further down in his seat. “I mean, yes, all of that is correct. But what I mean is that Remus and I will be there together. Together, together. Because we are together. Romantically, I mean. Like, he’s my boyfriend. Like... I’m a gay homosexual who is gay with Remus. In a gay way.”

Remus raised his arms, trying to ask the man he loved what in the name of bloody fuck he was going on about and why he had lost the ability to talk like a normal human person.

Sirius made a face back at him, indicating that he had no clue either, and the silence stretched out longer and longer.

“Euphemia?” Sirius prompted after a long while. He was white as a sheet and he took a puff on his cigarette like it offered pure oxygen when he couldn’t catch his breath. “Can you say something please?”

Mrs Potter, from wherever she was in Hampshire, burst out into peals of laughter. “Oh, darling. I know you like to be dramatic, but this isn’t exactly news to me.”

“It’s... not?”

“No, love. I know. We always knew.”

Sirius stared at Remus. He looked like he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “You knew?”

“We knew,” she laughed.

“Fleamont, too?”

“Yes, dear. Fleamont, too.” They could hear the sound of Mrs Potter shooing away one of her chickens from the kitchen in the background. “So, you and Remus, then? How long has this been going on?”

“Few months,” Sirius croaked.

“Good. He’s a lovely boy, Sirius. Nice and... calm. And he’s a lovely face, doesn’t he? Very kind.”

“I like it,” Sirius laughed, still obviously not quite sure what was happening. “So you’re... okay with the gay thing?”

“I most certainly am. Sorry, darling, you got yourself all worked up over nothing. Did you know that Phillip Schofield is gay now? And Gareth Thomas.”

Sirius laughed. “Yeah.”

“And Ellen’s son, Barry. I stopped her from setting the two of you up many a time over the years.”

“Thank you?”

“You’re welcome. I think you’re a little out of his league.”

Sirius laughed again. They spoke for another few minutes until she had to go and take the washing off the line because there were some dangerous looking clouds in the sky.

Once he had hung up, Sirius stood and grabbed Remus by the hand. He dragged him out of the front door and declared that they were going for dinner. Remus conceded on the condition that he could choose the restaurant, so they ended up going for cheap, casual ramen, sat very close together on a wooden bench, exchanging giddy smiles and drinking crisp Japanese beer.

--

“So, I just need to stick these pads to your chest, then we’ll hook the monitor up, pop a fresh battery in and you’re good to go.”

The nurse was young and friendly and she stuck her tongue out in concentration as she peeled the sticky backs from the round, sticky pads and pressed them to his skin.

“Something tells me these are going to hurt to pull off,” Remus laughed, thanking the gods that he did not have a hairier chest.

“Oh, yes,” the nurse grinned. “Some men have a dreadful time getting them off. She eyed his measly nipple hair. I’d think you won’t have too much trouble.”

She pulled out a small monitor from a sealed package and attached the probes to the pads, tied a piece of fabric around his neck and he was out of the door just minutes after arriving at the surgery.

Now that his heart was being monitored, he was ultra-aware of every beat, and he walked home slower than he would have otherwise, for fear that his heart would go into overdrive.

He and Sirius met on the front doorstep, Sirius having returned from his shift at the pub.

“Hey,” Sirius grinned and kissed him right there on the step with all the enthusiasm Remus had become accustomed to since they had got together. Every kiss still made his stomach flip in the loveliest, most dizzying way.

“So, have you got your bionic mind-control device?” Sirius asked, opening the door and greeting the dog in the hallway.

“I have. All rigged up till this time tomorrow.”

“Feeling okay about it all?”

Remus nodded. “Also got my test results back. I’m not anemic!”

They exchanged a little high five and regrouped in the lounge where Remus sank down into the comfort of their sofa.

“I bought one of those posh shepherd’s pies so you wouldn’t have to cook,” Sirius said as he handed Remus a steaming cup of tea.

“I wouldn’t have minded.”

“I know,” Sirius smiled, taking the seat beside him and patting his lap. Remus twisted and settled his feet into Sirius’s lap. Sirius ran his hands over his sock-clad feet and then along his calves, humming softly. It was, for some reason, incredibly soothing.

--

The next day, having had his monitor removed and chest hair tugged out by a gruff male nurse with a mohawk, Remus went home feeling a little downtrodden. It didn’t help that he hadn’t been able to have a shower that morning: he’d done his best with baby wipes and Sirius washing his hair in the garden, but he still felt gross and like he hadn’t woken up properly all day.

So when he put his bag down in the hallway and breathed in the smell of chicken jalfrezi, he actually felt a little bit close to tears. Sirius was in the kitchen listening to Placebo, stirring the pot on the stove and dancing. He was even wearing a little apron and it was nearly too much.

“Hey,” Remus grinned. “Looking good, Black. I think I like the fifties housewife look on you.”

Sirius waggled his eyebrows. “Oh yeah?” He swooped in and kissed him, running his thumb along the ridge of his cheekbone. “How did it go?”

“The nurse didn’t have much in the way of bedside manner. He pulled the pads off so hard I think my nipples are broken.” He ran a finger over Sirius’s hand. “What would the medical name for that be? Niplash? I think I have niplash.”

Sirius burst out laughing and resumed the kisses. “Mm, no, don’t. I’m gross and unwashed.” Remus muttered, pulling away.

“I like you dirty,” Sirius grinned wickedly and pulled him back in, sliding his tongue along Remus’s bottom lip and into his mouth.

Remus’s body reacted instantly, and of its own accord. His dick twitched in his pants and this pure heat flashed through him at Sirius’s kiss. He tangled his fingers into Sirius’s hair, and when he pulled away, panting, it wasn’t for any other reason than his almost visceral need to take a shower.

“Let me go and get clean. We can pick this up when I get back.”

Sirius groaned and not-so discreetly moved his hand down to his crotch to rearrange what was an outrageously obvious erection. But he did let him go.

Remus relished every moment of his shower after having to go without. He ran a towel through his hair and changed straight into pyjamas before going back to the kitchen to find his boy.

Sirius was just plating up dinner, which Remus wolfed down, not having realised he was all that hungry until the plate was in front of him.

“You’re going to have to be careful, Sirius.” He scooped the last of the sauce from his plate into his mouth with a scrap of naan bread. “If you keep this up, you’re going to become the cook of the house.”

Sirius shrugged. “I don’t hate cooking. But you’re much better at it.”

“And I hate doing the washing up but you’re strangely into it.”

“Exactly! It’s the perfect combination!”

Remus spotted a bag on the kitchen surface. “What’s that?” He nodded towards it.

Sirius looked a little bit sheepish. “Well, I was thinking about what Dr Gwen said, about you working on your anxiety. And she mentioned aromatherapy, didn’t she? So I got some essential oils and stuff. There’s a diffuser so you can stink the place out with lavender and sage and I got some massage stuff which I can... you know, rub on you.”

An inopportune thought struck Remus right then: that he wasn’t sure how he had once thought that he and Marco would end up together, that he had ever imagined them to be so very much in love. Marco was his first boyfriend, and sometimes the intensity of the feelings he’d had for him had verged on overwhelming, all breathless desire and instant gratification.

But what he had with Sirius was different. Because there was plenty of breathless desire. And oodles of gratification. But there was something much deeper that underpinned it. Something like being best friends for six years first, Remus supposed. Something like knowing everything about someone but still feeling a thrill at the thought of them coming home. What had Sirius called it? Big, ridiculous love.

A fitting description, Remus thought.

He didn’t say, any of this, of course. He simply sniggered. “Rub on me?”

Sirius’s neck reddened noticeably. “Oh sod off, I just meant it might be nice and relaxing for you if I gave you a massage... or whatever. Stop laughing!”

“Sorry. I’m sorry.” He reached out a hand and clutched at Sirius’s bare, tanned bicep. “You rubbing smelly oil on me sounds nice. Really nice, actually. Thank you for being thoughtful.”

Sirius harrumphed around a bit but Remus knew he wasn’t really cross.

They went to bed at ten; early by their standards. And Sirius brought his little bag of tricks. He sat down on the bed and patted his lap. Remus sat down on his lap, feeling a little bit silly. But then he was kissing the back of his neck, slowly, gently. Strong arms wrapped around him and soft lips peppering little kisses to his hairline.

Sirius lifted Remus’s t-shirt off him. And Remus hadn’t known how tense his shoulders were until Sirius was pressing open-mouthed kisses to them; hadn’t known that the muscles in his back were so sore until Sirius’s warm hands ran deftly over them, soothing every ache.

“Nice?” Sirius asked in the space behind him.

“So nice,” Remus breathed, letting his eyes flutter closed.

“Here, come and lie down. Do you fancy lavender or bergamot?”

“Lavender, please.” Remus stood up for a tiny moment before flopping down onto the bed. He propped his head up with pillows and closed his eyes again, mourning the blissful sensation of Sirius’s hands running over him.

He didn’t have to wait too long. He was back in no time with a little appreciative grunt at the sight of Remus stretched out on his bed. Remus felt him clamber onto the bed and sit astride him, one thigh either side of Remus’s bottom and crotch pressed neatly to him.

Remus hissed as the cool liquid hit his back, right between his shoulder blades. But then, Sirius’s hands were making that liquid warm with firm strokes, running up and down the length of his back.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Sirius laughed from somewhere over him.

“It’s good,” Remus assured. “Really good.”

Sirius seemed to gain confidence, then. He used his thumbs to press deeper into the flesh of Remus’s back, smoothing them over knotted muscles; the oil slick and Remus pliant beneath him.

When the hands reached as far down as the dimples in his lower back, Remus felt the definite nudge of Sirius’s hard dick against his arse.

“I’m not sure professional masseurs are meant to get a raging boner,” Remus grinned into the pillow, voice coming out all muffled.

Sirius laughed; a rich, musical thing. “Yeah, maybe this isn’t my calling after all.” He scooched down the bed, away from Remus, reached underneath him and unbuttoned his trousers which he pulled off, along with his pants. “What can I say? You’re very sexy.”

Remus let out a derisive snort, pressing his own erection into the bed.

Sirius tutted and Remus could hear him taking his own clothes off swiftly and throwing them on the floor. He resumed his position, straddling him, and this time there was no doubting just how hard he was as his dick brushed Remus’s arse. “Remus, I’m not going to dwell on this because I know it embarrasses you. But you are really very sexy. Like, I don’t think you realise. You do this little thing with your eyes, and that sassy little bum wiggle. You’re just supremely fuckable.” He leaned down so that his front was pressed to Remus’s back and his lips brushing Remus’s ear. “You’re the sexiest person I’ve ever met.”

With that, he resumed his massaging, adding more oil to the mix.

Quickly, inevitably, his oily fingers reached underneath Remus and rubbed slowly at his dick, which was so hard it would have been obscene, had he not been hidden from view.

Sirius groaned in frustration and flipped Remus onto his back. His shiny dick slapped against his belly and Sirius regarded him with pure hunger in his eyes. He tipped more oil onto his hands and ran them over Remus’s chest, his stomach, his thighs. And when his hands found their way back to Remus’s drooling dick, and Remus prised his head off the stack of pillows to watch as his palms grasped around him, he was almost beside himself.

“Fuck, Sirius. You’re... fuck.”

But that was nothing compared to Sirius lowering himself down to lick at his balls and take his length into his mouth.

He wasn’t going to last long. Sirius’s lips were so full and his tongue so... keen. And the fact that he pulled away a moment later making a face because the massage oil ‘definitely doesn’t taste as good as it smells, Remus’, was not even a turn off.

Sirius poured yet more oil onto his hand and tugged at Remus’s dick with a slick, slippy hand.

Remus wasn’t usually loud in bed, but when he came, he cried out, clasping a hand to his mouth as he did. Sirius sidled up to him and gently prised the hand from his face, kissing him long and slow, hands gliding up and down his sides.

“How was that?” he asked, brushing a strand of hair away from Remus’s sweaty forehead.

“I think I just saw God,” Remus laughed. “That was... biblical.”

Sirius grinned. “I’m not sure a hand job has ever been described as biblical before. In fact, I think there’s something really quite un-biblical about a hand job.” He kissed him again. “Feeling more relaxed?”

Remus closed his eyes against the brilliance of the moment. “Yeah. Feeling exceptionally chilled. There is one thing that’s playing on my mind, though.” He held out his sweaty hands and Sirius cocked an eyebrow.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, you haven’t come yet.”

Sirius smiled and lifted one shoulder in a half shrug. “This wasn’t about me.”

Remus found himself smiling ridiculously. “Well that’s a shame. Because I’d like nothing more than your dick in my mouth.”

“Hmm?” Sirius’s cock was so hard, pressed against Remus’s side.

“Yes. But I’m also pretty sleepy so you’re going to need to sit on my face and do all the work.”

Sirius’s shoulders bobbed up and down with laughter. “And you think you’re not sexy.”

Remus spanked him playfully on the arse and Sirius edged his way up the bed to make good on Remus’s request, laughing the whole while.

--

It got hotter with every passing day. By the time the weekend hit, it was thirty degrees and Remus could barely move. It was a thick, oppressive heat that rendered duvets surplus to requirements and clothes an unwanted inconvenience.

Sirius, of course, was fine. His family harked back to the South of France, where this weather was the norm; it was in his blood. Remus, on the other hand, was terrible in the heat. Truly, abysmal. Sweat clung to him in all the wrong places and it made his clothes sticky and cloying. He got no sleep. He felt fresh after a shower for approximately seven minutes before he felt like he needed another.

Sirius dealt with Remus’s misery the only way he knew how: he bought a children’s paddling pool, filled it up and gave it pride of place in the garden. Remus was dubious but put his swimming trunks on nonetheless and gave it a go.

Once he had sunk into the cold embrace of the pool, he vowed straight away never to leave. Sirius climbed in, too, and they spent entire afternoons in the comfort of the pool’s cocoon, chatting, drinking iced coffee, exchanging languid kisses and indulging in the odd fumble when Paddy wasn’t looking. They also spent long hours discussing what Sirius could do for a career, but nothing was quite right, and there was really no rush, they both agreed.

Remus got his results through from his heart monitor. There were some benign ectopic beats that showed up, but nothing serious. He hadn’t even realised he was worried about it until he got the phone call and heaved a huge sigh of relief. His counselling referral had also come through and he was due to meet with a man named Richard in the next few weeks.

It felt good to be doing something about it.

Sirius had also been true to his word and pursued some private therapy, to start the next week. In characteristic Sirius style, he took the whole thing in his stride and Remus strongly suspected that he was trying to make out like it wasn’t a big deal so that he could normalise things for Remus. He had a sneaking suspicion, though, that it was Sirius who might benefit most from talking to someone experienced in childhood trauma who could help him through some of the issues he might have buried deep in the back of his mind.

August felt distinctly like it was slipping by without Remus’s permission. He still wasn’t sleeping: the oppressive heat meant the duvet clung to him and the air was so still that even a cracked window did nothing to cool him down.

When they went to bed one night, Sirius grinned at Remus like he knew something. He whisked him into the bedroom and proudly demonstrated the fan he had bought to ease Remus’s plight. He switched it on with a ‘tah-dah!’ and it hummed into life.

Cool, luscious air slowly wafted through the room. There was a bead of sweat just above Remus’s lip which cooled with the air and Remus sighed happily.

Sirius was staring at him. Specifically, at his lips.

“Can I help you?”

“I’m just waiting for you to cool down enough that I can jump your bones and you won’t tut at me and make me sleep in your bed.”

“That happened one time!” Remus laughed, closing the gap between them and letting Sirius kiss him soundly.

Sirius’s phone vibrated on the bedside table. He groaned, pulled away from Remus and answered.

He nodded. “Okay, thanks Reg. You take care, yeah?”

He hung up.

“My mum is dead.”

He walked back over to Remus and started kissing him again. Remus pushed him away gently, holding onto his shoulders and searching his eyes.

“Sirius.”

“Remus,” Sirius goaded, raising an eyebrow. “What? What do you want me to do? Break down and cry?”

Remus shook his head slowly. “I’m taking you for a beer.”

“It’s eleven!” Sirius gasped. “It’s past your bedtime!”

“Come on,” Remus pulled him by the hand. “The Plough is open till one.”

--

It was different, this time. Remus knew it was.

This wasn’t Sirius putting on an act, pretending to be okay when actually he was going through mild turmoil. He was genuinely, actually fine. Still, Remus was relieved when Regulus suggested they meet; chat things through, and even more relieved when Sirius took him up on it.

Remus didn’t want to intrude but Sirius asked if he would come, and it was difficult to say no to such a request. Regulus drove up from London and they decided that they would meet in an independent little coffee shop in the city centre.

He was waiting for them when they arrived, espresso in hand, poring over the Financial Times. He glanced up as the bell on the door jangled and waved them over.

“Morning, both. Nice place, this, isn’t it?”

“Hi Reg. How’s it going?” Sirius asked, pulling up a chair and smiling in a way that Remus was pretty sure was genuine.

Regulus smiled back and shrugged. “Same old. I’m well, though.” He folded up his newspaper and thrust it into his bag. “You both look an awful lot better than the last time I saw you.”

Remus nodded. “Much better. Sorry to hear about your mum, Regulus.”

Regulus regarded him for a moment, lips pursed in a tight line. “Thank you, Remus. It’s... well, sad is not quite the word. Complex. It’s complex.”

Remus nodded, as if he understood.

“How is Orion behaving?” Sirius asked, having ordered his coffee from the mardy teenage waiter.

“Oh, you know. He’s not. But slightly less psycho now that things have settled down a little. He’s insisting that the funeral be conducted in French. And he’s having this ridiculous shroud made in Venice.”

“Sounds about right,” Sirius laughed; a soft, unsure thing.

“I’ve, err. I’ve started seeing someone,” Regulus announced as he embarked on a second espresso. “It’s... er, well, it’s new. And good. And secret because she is entirely inappropriate.”

“Good work,” Sirius grinned. “How inappropriate?”

“Well, she’s a black psychiatrist from the North.”

“Fuck me, there is hope for you, yet,” Sirius guffawed, slapping his little brother on the back. “What’s her name?”

“Celia.”

“Is she okay with you keeping things under wraps?”

“Oh, yeah. Her family’s ultra conservative so it’s not exactly kosher that she’s dating anyone, let alone me.”

“What about all the... you know, expectations about who you marry?” Sirius took a long sip of his cappuccino which left him with a little foam moustache that Remus had the very inappropriate urge to lick off for him. Instead, he handed him a napkin and poured himself some tea.

“Well,” Regulus sighed. “I’m young. I figure that the pressure won’t really mount up until I’m nearer thirty. And by then... well, Father could be dead. I could sell the business and do whatever the fuck I like.” He paused. “Probably won’t, but you know, it’s nice to fantasise sometimes.”

They spoke for a good hour. Remus felt that Regulus was slowly managing to chisel away at Sirius’s protective shell. And it was good. It was almost certainly good.

“I know what you did for me, Reg,” Sirius said as they were saying goodbye. He reached out a shaky hand which he let lie on Regulus’s shoulder for just a moment. Both of them looked at it, surprised, and Sirius let it fall back to his side. “I’ll never forget it.”

Regulus gave him a strange look. “I think,” he also reached out a hand which hovered awkwardly before he seemed to think better of it, “you’d have done the same for me.” He licked his lips and gave a curt nod. “I take it you’re not coming to the funeral?”

Sirius shook his head. “It would be completely hypocritical if I did. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not, you know, here for you if you need anything. Or someone to talk to, or whatever.”

“Same,” Regulus said quietly. “Lovely to see you both, then. I’m, erm. I’m glad you’ve worked things out,” he smiled. He picked up his bag and headed out of the door.

Sirius and Remus spilled out onto the pavement moments later. The coffee shop had been air conditioned so stepping out into the hot air was a bit of a shock to the system. Remus reached for Sirius’s hand and gave it a little squeeze as they set off in the direction of home.

--

They went a day early, to Hampshire. James and Lily had already been staying at the Potter house for a couple of days to get ready for the wedding. Sirius wanted to see Mrs Potter and help with preparations so they travelled down on the Friday, having hired a car.

Two days earlier, they had all gone for a big night out in Cardiff as a sort of combined hen and stag ‘do. They had met at James and Lily’s and contemplated staying in with a nice bottle of wine and a board game, but Marlene insisted that they had to go out because she had ‘shaved her addendums’ especially. So they braved the bars and clubs of Cardiff in a ghastly display of social interaction and pressing up against total strangers. A guy had tried to dance with Remus and Sirius had very nearly punched him. So all in all, a stark reminder of why they were too old to do this shit now.

Today, the hot weather showed no sign of dissipating but the car had air conditioning which made everything bearable for Remus.

“Are you sure it’s okay that we’re bringing him?” Remus asked from the passenger seat, gesturing vaguely at Paddy who had sprawled himself over the entirety of the back seat.

“Of course! He can’t miss the wedding of the decade; he’s family!” Sirius grinned, glancing at Remus with eyes that were all twinkle. “Hey, this is nice. Me and you driving away for the weekend. Do you think we should get a car?”

“I can’t even drive!”

“I’d teach you, if you wanted. We could get an old banger so it wouldn’t matter if you had a little prang.”

“I’d be a terrible student.”

“Quite aesthetically pleasing, though,” Sirius chuckled.

“Okay. I’d like that. We can go halves; I’ve got a bit saved.” Remus flopped his head back against the headrest.

“Maybe,” Sirius agreed, glancing into the rear view mirror to change lanes.

Remus had been to the house once, several summers ago when they were heading to France on a group holiday. But somehow, when they pulled up, it looked lovelier and more welcoming than the last time.

Mrs Potter was in the garden, pruning her roses. When she heard the car, she stood upright and waved like her hand might fall off.

“Shit,” Remus breathed. “I’m not sure I’m ready for this.”

Sirius put the handbrake on and raised an eyebrow. “Ready for what?”

“You know, meeting the parent.”

“You’ve met her loads of times!”

“Yeah, but not as your boyfriend,” Remus reasoned.

“Oh, Re. You heard her; she thinks you’re the tits.”

“I’m not sure those were quite her words,” Remus huffed.

Sirius took the keys out of the ignition and placed a firm, warm hand over Remus’s. “Hey,” he said in barely a whisper. “I love you. There’s nobody but people who love you in this house. Okay?”

Remus breathed in swiftly. “Yep. Let’s do this.” He clicked the car door open without further ado and eased his long limbs out of the car.

“Hello Mrs P.” He walked forward with purpose and reached out to shake his hand but she pulled him in for a tight hug. She was tiny and round and very huggable.

“Hello, Remus.” She held him by the shoulders to look at him properly. “How are you, dear? Keeping well?”

“Yes, thank you. Really, er. Really good.”

In the corner of his eye, he saw Sirius bundling the dog out of the car and getting tangled up in the lead. He laughed softly and turned back to face Mrs Potter. “Thank you so much for putting us up. We’re very excited for Saturday.”

“Now, you listen here, Remus,” she whispered, face stony serious. “You are welcome in this house whenever you want. You and this handsome shambles I somehow adopted as a second son.” She looked at Sirius, who was struggling to untangle himself and losing his balance as Paddy tried to drag him towards the house, with more fondness than Remus had seen. She turned back to him, eyes brimming with almost tears. “I am so pleased that the two of you are together, Remus. You’re just what he needs.”

Remus felt himself well up, just a little. “Thank you. I’ll-- I’ll take care of him, Mrs P.”

She nodded, smiling and took her hands off his shoulders. “Now then, Mr Black. Let’s look at you.” She ran her eyes over Sirius who was grinning. Remus pictured him, the first time he had shown up here, age 19, and right now, he looked like that same young, roguish boy who was so very adept at making people fall for him.

Mrs Potter hugged Sirius, her head tucked into his chest and pulled him down to kiss him on both cheeks.

“Now, Lily has baked an upside-down cake. It hasn’t gone all that well, I’m afraid, but James says we need to pretend it tastes good,” she smiled, picking up a couple of bags for them and leading the way into the house.

--

Remus tied his tie. The collar felt stiff around his neck. But the look on Sirius’s face made the whole thing worth it.

Sirius stepped up and straightened his tie for him. He ran a hand through Remus’s hair and two eyes over his suit-clad body. “Gorgeous,” he whispered.

Remus grinned at that. He hooked his fingers through Sirius’s belt loops and brought him in for a searing kiss.

“Right, I promised Lily I’d help with final preparations. And you’re on James duty. I’ll see you in,” he checked his watch, “forty-three minutes.”

“Okay,” Sirius grinned. “Can’t believe this is actually happening!”

“I know. It’s mad. Try not to look too devilishly handsome up there, yeah? We don’t want you stealing the groom’s thunder.”

“I’ll think ugly thoughts,” Sirius laughed and gave Remus’s hand a squeeze.

Remus knocked on Lily’s door. Marlene and Dorcas were already in there. Dorcas was painting the bride’s toenails and Marlene was plaiting her hair.

“Holy shit, Lils, you look beautiful.” Remus sat down on the bed and took in the sight before him. She wore a knee-length white dress, turquoise earrings and a half-done mermaid braid. She looked relaxed and radiant and she proudly told him that she had only thrown up twice that morning.

“Is it time yet? Can we just do this?” Lily asked, twitching in her seat.

“Half an hour,” Remus confirmed. “The vicar needs to speak to you and Peter had a question about the cake, but I told him it could probably wait.”

--

Remus stepped out into the garden. The guests were already in their seats and James, Peter and Sirius were standing at the front, laughing. He joined them, standing beside Sirius who grinned at him like he was the missing piece of the puzzle.

Music filled the air and Lily walked quickly down the aisle. Tears poured down James’s face at the sight of her.

The vicar greeted the congregation and said some prayers, or something. Remus wasn’t really listening as all his efforts went into trying to suppress the tears that were building in his eyes.

A gasp beside him brought him back into the room and he realised that Sirius was crying, too.

“James, will you take Lily to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her? And, forsaking all others, will you be faithful to her, as long as you both shall live?”

James appeared, for a stricken moment, as though he was going to be unable to speak but eventually croaked out a feeble “I will.”

“Lily, will you take James to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him? And, forsaking all others, will you be faithful to him, as long as you both shall live?”

“I will!” Lily beamed.

And as the service moved on, Remus was struck by the absolute loveliness of the words of a Christian wedding ceremony, minus all the God stuff. It all sailed by far too quickly. By the time they were exchanging rings, Sirius had laced his fingers with Remus’s as they sat in the front row. He had not stopped crying throughout.

“James, I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage. With my body, I honour you. All that I have, I give to you, and all that I am, I share with you. Within the love of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.”

Lily slid the ring onto James’s finger with a wink. They were declared husband and wife and exchanged a, frankly inappropriately long, kiss.

It was perfect. It was fitting. It was so them.

When the service had ended and James and Sirius had cried all their tears, the gang congregated in a gazebo, which also happened to be where the beer was located.

Everyone hugged everyone. It was a veritable hug fest. There was a buffet and free drink, and so much merriment that Remus wanted to cling on to every moment.

“I liked that,” Sirius said quietly when they got a moment to themselves.

“Liked what?” Remus asked, popping a cocktail sausage into his mouth.

“The service. All that I am I give to you, and all that I have I share with you. Love, comfort, all of that lovely stuff.” He paused and let out a little laugh. “Didn’t feel a million miles away from--”

“I just love her so much!” James was drunk, already, and thrust himself between them, throwing an arm over each of their shoulders.

Sirius grinned and kissed his swaying best friend on the cheek. “We know, mate. She loves you too.”

“I’m the luckiest motherfucker alive!”

Sirius pressed a hand to the small of Remus’s back and looked at him with a strange, loaded look. “Yeah,” he said. And the hairs on the back of Remus’s neck stood up.

--

Sirius hadn’t prepared a speech because Lily had insisted that speeches would make the event too formal, which they didn’t want. But after a few beers, it was impossible to stop him. He grabbed the mic and started riffing.

“So, it was the first week at uni. And James hadn’t really spoken to anyone all that much. But he got a little inebriated one night. It was a themed night at the students’ union and everyone had to dress up as the undead. So there we were; all made up and ready for a night on the town, zombified to the max. And Lily walked into the kitchen where everyone was pre-drinking. She was wearing a full on wedding dress that she’d found in a charity shop and was dressed as a zombie bride: hair like a bird’s nest, blood and gore all over her face. And James just turned to me and said ‘whoever marries her is the luckiest guy who ever lived’. I swear, this was after knowing her for three days.” He looked straight at Remus. “He just knew.”

Remus grinned.

“And that was either prophetic and wise or just the sort of blind optimism that I’ve come to know and love about Jimmy. And the best thing is, he brings everyone else along with him. Even, and this is the biggest achievement, our lovely Lily, who once told me that she would shag Potter over her dead body.” He glanced guiltily at Mrs Potter. “Sorry, Phemie! She is pregnant, though, so I think the jig is up. Anyway, I think the point I’m trying to make is that James is an all round decent chap. He’s my best friend, brother and partner in crime. And if anyone deserves a woman as brilliant, intelligent, witty, inspired as Lily, it’s him. Truly, the two of you are a force to be reckoned with. And together, you are greater than the sum of your parts. We love you both. And we’re thrilled that you got your shit together.”

He raised his glass, a wicked expression consuming his face. “To Lily and James - and all their years of adventure!”

The guests all clinked their glasses and Sirius made his way back to Remus’s side.

“Good speech,” Remus smiled softly.

--

Sirius had taken it upon himself to provide his services as wedding DJ. Essentially, this meant that he put a Spotify playlist on his phone, hooked it up to the speakers and pressed play. But credit where credit was due, the songs Sirius had selected were on point. And the vast majority of the guests, even Lily’s uptight little sister, were up and dancing within half an hour.

Remus loosened his tie and joined Sirius on the dance floor. Sirius gave him a look like he was up to no good, and sure enough, the next song was a slow dance: Lou Reed.

Sirius smiled; a wonky kissable thing, lifted Remus’s hands and wrapped them around his neck.

“Just a perfect day. Drink sangria in the park. Then later, when it gets dark, we go home. Just a perfect day. Feed animals in the zoo. Then later, a movie too, and then home.”

“Oh it’s such a perfect day. I’m glad I spent it with you. Oh, such a perfect day. You just keep me hanging on. You just keep me hanging on.”

Sirius nuzzled into Remus’s neck as he swayed, lips pressed to his skin in an almost kiss.

“Just a perfect day. Problems all left alone. Weekenders on our own, it’s such fun. Just a perfect day. You made me forget myself. I thought I was someone else; someone good.”

Remus pressed his lips to Sirius’s ear. “I love you,” he whispered. He hadn’t said it since they’d come back from his parents’ but he’d felt it every day, with unmistakable certainty, every time he had seen Sirius enter a room and his heart had whispered ‘there you are’.

Sirius pulled him even closer, and for a blissful moment, it was just the two of them, sandwiched together, swaying.

And then Marlene was on them. “Black, not that I don’t love a bit of Lou but you have managed to clear the dancefloor. How about something a bit more upbeat, eh?”

Sirius nodded, prising himself away from Remus and reverting to his phone.

The next song brought the party.

“Uhmm. I’ve noticed you around.”

Remus rolled his eyes and chuckled into Sirius’s shoulder. “I can’t believe you’re playing this.”

Sirius cackled. “You know you love it.”

“Uhmm. I find you very attractive.”

“The horn in this song is totally outrageous,” Remus grinned.

“Uhmm. I’ve noticed you around. Uhmm. I find you very attractive. I find you very attractive.”

“The horn I have for you is totally outrageous.” Sirius pressed their hips together and pouted sultrily.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Would you go to bed with me?”

As the horns kicked in, Sirius jived up against him, face like a naughty school boy, tight trousers restricting his movement only a little.

Remus found himself smiling such that his cheeks ached and let Sirius manoeuvre him around, a little too precariously close to the cake for his liking.

“This can be the first dance at our wedding,” Sirius laughed.

Remus stopped in his tracks. “I’m sorry, what did you just say?”

Sirius’s smile faltered, just for a moment. But then he cocked an eyebrow at Remus and shrugged. “Yeah, I said it.”

Remus’s heart pounded in his chest. “Would you... want to do that?”

“Am I meant to play it cool, here? Because I’d marry you tomorrow,” Sirius said, a little breathlessly, a little recklessly, eyes wild. “So in a few years, yeah. I’d want to do that. If you were up for it.” He took Remus’s hand and kissed his fingers as the song died out and gave way to something a little less provocative.

Remus, who realised he had been subconsciously trying to preserve his heart since it had been a little bit broken by the boy standing before him, felt strongly like he might burst into tears in front of all of their friends.

“I’m not always sure why it is that you want me so much,” he admitted in a tiny voice, letting his head rest on Sirius’s shoulder.

“I know.” Sirius kissed into his hair. “I know, but I am. And you need to remember that I’ve wanted you since day one. And for as long as you’ll have me, I’ll be so very, unashamedly yours.”

Remus kissed him, tongue sliding into his mouth to the opening bars of Come On Eileen. Because if Sirius was his, he was so utterly Sirius’s that it was a little bit painful.

Big, ridiculous love.

Dorcas jerked them out of their, perhaps quite significant, embrace to force them to join in their ad-hoc conga. The boys, laughing, joined in without a pause, Sirius heading up the line of people, careening around the tented room with reckless abandon.

--

Mrs Potter threw them out the next morning so that she and James’s aunties could focus on cleaning up without them ‘lolling around’ and getting in the way. There was a diner in the village where they sat in a booth, full of nausea and deep regret.

“I think, dear wife, that I am dead. But it was lovely being married to you for a few precious hours.” James flopped his head onto Lily’s shoulder.

Remus stared intently at the menu, wondering aloud whether a fry up would make him feel incredible or send him to the bathroom.

“I know what you mean,” Sirius groaned. “I ate far too many of those little spicy samosas. It’s all come out the other end this morning and my ring doth sting.”

Dorcas threw a balled up napkin at him for that, and gagged just a little.

“I don’t think I’m ever going to get a girlfriend,” Peter whimpered in the corner, face decidedly grey. “I thought weddings were meant to be the place to pull, but the only women there were lesbians, elderly Indian ladies, or related to Lily.”

“Unlucky, Pete,” Sirius consoled. “You just need to keep the faith, mate. You’ll find someone when the time is right.”

“So, are you going to take his name?” Marlene asked, sipping gingerly at her coffee.

“Yeah. Not really for any other reason than just wanting us both to have the same name as our son. Makes things easier, doesn’t it?”

“The progressive thing to do would be James taking Lily’s name,” Sirius observed, reaching an arm around Remus.

James shrugged. “I’m not precious about it. I’ll be an Evans if you’d like me to, darling.”

Lily smiled. “I know. But I’d like to have the same name as your parents. Your dad would be so thrilled to know that there was going to be a baby Potter in the world, so...”

James’s hair was the messiest it had ever been and he smiled wetly at Lily, just as smitten as ever.

“Guys, I have an announcement to make,” Sirius bellowed suddenly, banging a glass on the table.

“You’re pregnant!” Pete slapped him on the back.

“You have herpes!” Marlene added.

“You’re going to join the circus?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow and only half joking.

“No. Now, I’ve thought long and hard about this, but when you know, you know! You know?”

“Oh do get on with it, Black,” Dorcas pipped.

Sirius turned to Remus and grabbed his hand, moony-eyed. “I have decided, dear friends, that the time has come to start brewing my own beer.” More napkins bounced off his head and he winked at Remus nestling their entwined hands between them as he turned back to the menu, grinning.

Chapter 13: Epilogue

Epilogue - Twelve months later

“Oh my God.”

Remus emerged from under the bed, and held up a pair of steel handcuffs and dangled them in front of Sirius’s face, dust falling slowly onto the bed.

“Are you for real? Are these actually yours?” He cleared his throat pointedly.

Sirius, spread out on the bed, book in hand, looked up lazily. His eyes widened as he saw the nature of the discovery. “Can I do a ‘no comment’ interview here?” he asked, turning back to his book.

“I never had you pegged as the dominatrix type,” Remus snorted, shoving them into a box, the mocking smile on his face going nowhere.

Sirius’s mouth was pressed into a firm line as he tried to look solemn but he let out a little huff of laughter despite himself. “There was a guy I saw for a little while who was into it. He liked being tied up, so I went along with it and then found that it was pretty... fun. Stop grinning!”

“You are totally getting those back out once Harry’s gone.”

Sirius resolutely put the book down on the bed and blinked slowly. “Is this you dicking around or are you actually up for that? Because I feel like it would be insanely hot and if you’re game, I’d like to make it happen...” he glanced at his watch in an exaggerated gesture. “Right about now.”

Sirius leapt up from the spot he had filled for several hours now and tackled Remus, pinning him down on the bed and kissing him hotly.

Remus tutted, pulling away, a little giggly, trying his utmost to ignore the wild look in Sirius’s eyes. “Stop it! Gerroff. I’ve tidying to do. Harry’s going to be here in approximately ninety-six minutes and your bedroom has still not been childproofed.” He gestured to the handcuffs. “Case in point.”

Sirius pondered this for a moment, letting himself down so that he was propped up on each elbow, either side of Remus’s arms, their faces mere centimetres apart. He let out a huge, dramatic sigh. “You’re right. Of course, you’re right. I don’t want the first time you put me in handcuffs to be a rush job. I’d like to give that our all, Remus.”

“I assumed you’d be the one putting me in handcuffs?”

Something complicated flashed behind Sirius’s eyes but his mouth gave nothing away. He was quiet for a good long moment. “I think we should try both,” he said, as if speaking about an academic hypothesis. He gave a curt nod and rolled off Remus to pick up his book once more, leaving Remus a little out of breath and staring at the ceiling, willing his erection away.

It wasn’t that Sirius hadn’t offered to help. When they had started out, it was a joint effort. But every time Sirius happened upon an artefact that was funny, sentimental, or warranted a story (pretty much all of them), he got distracted and chatty. Remus had quickly realised that if they had any hope at all of finishing the task this side of Christmas, he would have to take matters into his own hands. And so, Sirius had been instructed to sit down quietly and bring frequent cups of tea to aid the cause.

Remus set back to work, burrowing under the bed. He happened upon a beautiful leather-bound storage box and pulled it out, showing it to Sirius.

“What’s this?”

Sirius glanced up and smiled softly at him. “Have a look.”

Remus prised the lid off the box and settled on the bed for a moment. He delved inside, greedily, indulgently.

“Hang on, is this a shrine to me?” he asked, nudging Sirius’s foot as he came across a label he recognised as being from the bottle of the wine they had shared on the night Sirius came back from Cornwall.

“Not quite. It’s just-- you know, stuff I wanted to keep. From uni and... since. I’ll admit it’s a little Remus-centric.”

A little thrill thrummed through Remus as he delved deeper through the box’s contents.

Remus was not a bad artist. He had always enjoyed absent-mindedly sketching his friends and the pretty landscapes coastal living brought to their lives. The artistic phases of his life came and went; as of right now, he hadn’t picked up a sketchbook for a few months. One of the items in the box was a little sketch he had done of Sirius, perhaps five years before, lying on a picnic rug on the beach and smiling, twinkly eyes crinkling from the brightness of the sun. He’d liked it at the time and he found that he liked it even better now, with the passage of time. Evidently, Sirius liked it too, and Remus was touched that he had kept it so long.

There were also photos; dozens of them. Most were of Remus, looking hopelessly young and almost painfully shy, at various points over the years. One from the first year winter ball, captured as the night slid into the messy morning hours; Remus had the bright red stain of a girl’s lips on his cheek and was gazing wide-eyed at Sirius whose tie had ended up around his head, protective arm slung around Remus’s shoulder, expression one of breathless delight, both of them drunk and delirious.

“Look at this,” Remus grinned. “God, look at us! We’re both so bloody smitten. Honestly, it makes me think we’re both mildly idiotic. I mean, it’s a wonder this ever happened, really.

“It would only take another six years,” Sirius laughed, taking the photo in awe. “I’m still in disbelief that anyone could have thought I was straight. I was so fucking gone for you, it’s not even real.”

“I slept in your bed that night, do you remember?”

“You were pissed,” Sirius nodded. “Didn’t want you to choke on your own vomit so I tucked you up in my room.”

“Very noble,” Remus gasped. “Oh shit, I remember this!” He fished out another photo, taken a couple of years later, of Remus sitting on Sirius’s bed, wrapped in a huge woolen blanket, peeking out and scowling at the sight of a camera shoved in his face.

“I couldn’t help myself. You looked adorable; all sleepy and grumpy.”

“Funny to think I was already with Marco by then. I didn’t know I was so young at the time, God. Felt very worldly but we were but children.”

“Yeah,” Sirius sighed. “That was just before I told James I was hopelessly in love with you. Next day, you were back off to Rome and it took every ounce of restraint I had not to kiss you goodbye.” He looked him dead in the eye. “I cried real tears after you’d gone.”

Remus stroked Sirius’s toes absently through his sock. “Really?”

“Mmm. Not sure I was the most fun to be around, back then.”

There was a photo of Remus who had fallen asleep at the kitchen table in his final year after pulling an all-nighter to make an essay deadline. “I didn’t know you took this,” he laughed.

“Right, this is getting embarrassing. We should stop.” Sirius batted a hand lazily in his direction.

Remus obviously ignored him, leafing through every photo in the box, grinning like a child on Christmas. When he was done, he sidled up to lie beside Sirius on the bed and pressed their lips together, letting his tongue dance lazily over his.

“Every day, I’m glad this happened,” Remus breathed heavily after pulling away. “Every day.”

He kissed him again. And again. And kissing him was still fan-fucking-tastic. And he was so in love, it sometimes made him dizzy; so in love that it was inconceivable that he would ever feel anything else.

“Have you heard of a proving drawer?” Sirius asked into Remus’s lips.

Remus pulled away and lifted a cynical eyebrow. “I’m sorry?”

“It’s for bread,” Sirius grinned. “It’s this little heated drawer that you have in your kitchen and it’s the perfect temperature for proving bread. I think there should be one in the dream kitchen.”

The dream kitchen had been a topic of conversation for a couple of months, now, sparked by Sirius’s active imagination as he plotted their future home in his head, for which they had no savings besides Sirius’s inheritance, but it didn’t dampen his enthusiasm.

Remus thought about what Sirius had said for a moment. “Tell you what, you can have a proving drawer if I can have one of those ice dispensers in the fridge door.”

“Deal. How are you doing on the tea front? Want a top up?”

Remus nodded and Sirius pattered down the hall to the kitchen. He reappeared within seconds, looking decidedly guilty.

“Remus, you know you are the light of my life, fire of my loins, the first, the last, my everything, etcetera, etcetera?”

“What have you done?” Remus jerked his head out from under the bed, narrowly missing the steel bed frame.

“Funny story,” Sirius snorted, then straightened his expression out, seeing that Remus definitely wasn’t laughing with him. “You know how you told me that if I brewed beer in the kitchen, the temperature would get too high and the barrel would explode?”

“Yes?” Remus said with all the severity he could muster, traitorous mouth tugging up at the corner.

“I do believe the temperature got too high and the barrel exploded.”

Remus stared at him for a moment and before he could suppress it, his mouth took over his entire face with a full smile. “You don’t appear to have a mop in your hand, Black.”

Sirius smirked. “Well, Paddy is currently rolling around in a big puddle of my beautiful triple hopped IPA. I figured I’d let him do his worst then get the rest up with the mop and pop him in the shower.”

“Ah yes, because a wet, beery dog is definitely what we need to welcome Harry to our home.”

Sirius grinned. “It’s gonna be fine, Re.”

Remus harrumphed. “Where’s this sodding cup of tea, then?”

--

They were looking after Harry for one night. Lily and James were heading off to stay in a fancy hotel for a combined celebration of their wedding anniversary and James qualifying as a solicitor. Sirius had offered to have him longer, but 24 hours was the most they were willing to part from their little bundle of joy, and even that had taken some persuasion.

The eight-month-old Harry was crawling and smiley and already short-sighted enough that he had recently been prescribed adorable little elasticated glasses that perched on his nose and needed wiping at least five times a day because he couldn’t keep his grubby little fingers off them.

Remus had already snapped and cleaned them twice since he arrived an hour before.

Harry didn’t seem to have noticed that his parents had so callously abandoned him: he gabbled away continuously and banged a toy light-up wand on the floor with such vigor that Sirius quickly proclaimed him a future magician and insisted that they had to buy him a matching top hat to complete the ensemble. Remus mentally added it to the ridiculously long list of things that they would get him for his first Christmas.

They managed to make it through lunchtime unscathed. Yes, Sirius had to wash no small amount of baby food out of his hair, but the important thing was that they had managed to get at least half a jar’s worth of food into Harry, and they thought that was pretty good going, congratulating themselves on a job well done.

They took him out to the beach for the afternoon. He was too little to do much, really, but they made sure he had enough shade and Sirius insisted on taking him for a little paddle in the shallows.

Watching Sirius with Harry was enough to restore anyone’s faith in mankind. He was so gentle with him, so reverent. And Harry absolutely adored him. It had become a running joke that once he was a teenager, Harry would eschew his parents in favour of his roguishly handsome godfather, that he would come and live with him and Remus because they were just so cool.

But Remus didn’t feel particularly cool when Harry was around without Lily and James. He felt... well, petrified. Because if Sirius was a natural guardian, Remus was anything but: all awkward and over-cautious with a propensity to spend every second worrying until their return.

But he had worked on his anxiety. And if before, it had been jagged and spiky and occasionally crippling, now it was reduced to a dull hum, and he suspected that was something he would need to live with. Sirius helped. Dorcas helped. The gang certainly helped. And he could live with this, he knew, which felt important.

Sirius, too, had benefited from the best therapy money could buy. He had conquered at least half of his own spiky demons, and there were two things that had really changed as a result: his relationship with Regulus and his sleep. He and Reg now saw each other every couple of weeks, and Sirius was visibly happier for it. Sometimes, Remus came, too. Sometimes, he didn’t. But everything was much easier between them these days, and Sirius was... lighter. The other thing, and the thing Remus was most glad of, was that he no longer startled himself awake every time Remus turned over beside him in bed. It was something that would seem small and insignificant to others, but Remus felt like it was probably a big deal, and on a good day, he even let himself take a bit of credit for it.

It had been a joyous, vintage sort of year.

Sirius was six months into a ‘proper’ job at a hip graphic design start up. And even though he still had to put on a shirt to go to work, this time it was on his terms. Seeing him discover his vocation was so rewarding for Remus, and he knew that Sirius genuinely looked forward to going into work. He had fallen hard for his colleagues: a group of nerdy, liberal misfits with lots of piercings and a real, infectious passion for their trade. It was the sort of office that had table football and a dartboard and punky music playing at all hours: Sirius was like a pig in shit.

Remus was a year into his PHD and had probably never been happier. He and Dorcas had spent an obscene amount of time together and become ridiculously close. He was on course to smash his doctorate, and one step closer to becoming a fully-fledged professor. He’d started routinely teaching first year literature classes, and even a little bit of Italian language tutoring, which was the best bit of all. Benjy continued to be effusive about his progress and prospects, and together, they were a great fit.

And it turned out that Sirius had been right when he told Marlene, over twelve months before, that he would be a good boyfriend. He was thoughtful, did always wear nice underwear, and he wasn’t lying about his penchant for giving head. On top of all that, he was effusive, demonstrative, and perpetually horny. He was also almost impossibly sexy. He adored Remus; properly loved him, and thanks to Sirius’s tireless efforts, Remus had begun to see his body less as a faulty, misfiring container and more as a sensual entity that he could truly inhabit.

He felt awake.

For his part, Remus loved Sirius back so much that sometimes he worried it wasn’t sustainable. But they had sustained it thus far, and that was a good sign, he thought. A very good sign indeed.

--

They had cobbled together a travel cot for Harry which lay in the corner of Sirius’s room (their room). After giving him a bath, they put him down for the night, but he sat talking to himself for at least half an hour before his eyes finally began to droop.

Sirius lay with his head on Remus’s bare chest. Remus could feel his eyelashes fluttering against his skin as he blinked. He buried his nose in Sirius’s hair and breathed him in.

“I think he’s asleep,” Sirius mumbled sleepily into Remus’s skin. “I thought he’d be up all night but he’s a little trooper. He sleeps better than you do, Re.”

Remus sniggered. “And he’s better behaved than you. Let’s not do this.”

Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus’s waist and made a content little noise in the back of his throat. “I’m absolutely knackered. I think if today has taught us anything, it’s that we are not baby ready.”

Remus’s mouth split into a grin, still buried in Sirius’s hair. “I think we already knew that.”

“Do you think we’ll have one?” Sirius asked, breathing slowing as his sleepiness built.

“Yes,” Remus said after a long while. “One day.” He had to catch his breath because the thought of Sirius as a father was a little too much. And the thought of them as parents was premature but... not ridiculous, somehow.

“I’d like that.” Sirius nuzzled closer into the soft flesh of Remus’s chest. “In a few years, I mean. I think we’d have a daughter. And she’d be just like you: all short sighted and supremely intelligent. She’d be the first in her class to know her times tables.”

“You realise that she wouldn’t be biologically ours, yes?” Remus smiled, running his fingers through soft black curls.

“On some level, yes. But if she was your daughter, biologically or not, she’d still know her times tables first; I guarantee it.”

Remus laughed softly and pressed a kiss to Sirius’s head. And then Sirius was asleep, breathing heavily, mouth open just a little.

--

Harry’s cries woke them in the early hours, and after several aborted attempts at soothing him in his cot, they brought him into the bed to lie between them. He settled in seconds, snoring softly.

“I love him,” Sirius declared to his pillow.

“I know,” Remus smiled.

“No, Remus. I’m not sure you understand. I love him. Like, I would die for him.”

“I know, Sirius. And I’m pretty sure he knows, too.” Sirius hummed and laced his ankles with Remus’s and all three of them slept soundly till morning when Remus stirred first and snapped a photo of Harry curled into Sirius’s side, both snoring softly. He set it at his phone background with a little smile and headed into the kitchen to sort out Harry’s breakfast.

Harry crawled in, followed by Sirius who picked him up just as he was about to plunge his hands into Paddy’s food bowl.

“No, you little terror. Your brown mush is on the table, lovingly prepared for you by Uncle Remus who looks distinctly shell shocked and like he’s in need of some caffeine, even though I’m the one who just had to change your nappy after you’d done that whopping monster poo.” Sirius popped him into his high chair and made Remus a tea and himself a coffee.

“What time did James say?” Remus asked, smiling gratefully as he took the steaming mug.

“Should only be a couple of hours,” Sirius said, checking his phone for the time. “How about we take him to the castle? He’s probably a bit young for the indoor bits but I bet he’d like to see the building.”

“Sounds good,” Remus nodded. “Who’s driving?”

“I’ll let you drive. Me and Harry can sit in the back and pretend you’re our chauffeur.”

Remus, who’d passed his test six months before, still liked having any excuse to drive. Sirius had, obviously, bought them a car that wasn’t an old banger at all, but a mid-range hatchback with great speakers and a boot big enough for Paddy. Remus moaned, but he loved it, loved driving it, loved the freedom and autonomy it gave him. They had a child seat in the back for Harry and often took him out for little trips, giving Lily and James a couple of hours’ respite.

They drove to the castle and parked up, hoiking Harry out of his seat and into the pushchair.

“Do you think people think he’s ours?” Sirius asked as they ascended the hill.

“No. You don’t look sleep deprived enough,” Remus said after a moment’s thought. “And you don’t have a sensible dad-type haircut.”

Sirius tucked his long locks behind one ear and laughed musically. “Well, I’d better enjoy the bouffant while I can, then.”

“Better had,” Remus agreed.

They spent a lovely couple of hours pootling around the castle walls, teaching Harry about defences and turrets, not that he understood a word they were saying, but he seemed happy enough.

When they got back, Lily and James’s car was already sat outside.

“We couldn’t wait to see him,” James said, a little teary as he grabbed his little boy and held him above his head, eliciting a hearty giggle that was, admittedly, very cute.

“How was he?” Lily asked as they all piled into the house to gather Harry’s things.

“Fun, lovely,” Remus said genuinely, “but tiring. We are exhausted. Not sure how you do this every single day.”

“You do get used to the sleep deprivation.” She raised an eyebrow. “But I’ll be glad to go back to work and speak to some real adult humans about something other than Peppa Pig.” She glanced at James who was blowing raspberries on Harry’s tummy. “Think I’d better get these two home. Thanks again for having him. The break was everything.”

She kissed him on the cheek and gathered her boys to get them back to the comfort of their own home.

The house felt very quiet after they had gone. After the intensity of a full Harry Day, they slumped wordlessly onto the sofa. Sirius flopped his head to rest on an expectant cushion and Remus lay down, resting his head in his lap while Sirius ran nimble fingers through his hair. “How are you holding up?” he asked.

“Shattered!” Remus murmured against the warmth of Sirius’s thigh. “Absolutely zonked.”

“Mmm, and me. But I have a proposition,” Sirius said in a low voice.

“Hmm?”

“I think we should have a nap. Then spend the rest of the day doing reckless, adult things. We can get some weed and you can make some of those splendid hash brownies and we can scoff the whole lot. Then we can eat olives and artichoke hearts and dark chocolate and all sorts of things that children don’t like. Then, and perhaps most importantly, we can have dirty filthy handcuff sex and stay in bed for at least three whole days, maybe forever.”

Remus snorted. “Can I ask why?”

Sirius sighed contentedly, running a finger up and down Remus’s spine. “Because, Remus, we’re twenty-something and childless, and we can.”

Remus agreed that it was a stellar plan. He burrowed further into Sirius’s lap and let his eyes flutter closed.

Notes:

Well, that's it!

Thank you for sticking with me to the end. Really, this is an ode to being in your twenties, having brilliant, sweary friends, and being lucky enough to go through life with your sexy best friend at your side.

There are a few of you were kind enough to leave lovely comments over a period of several weeks/months. You know who you are and you're all splendid.

Chapter 14: 'Twas ever thus

Notes:

So I am working on something new which will I will start to post in the next week or so. But I got characteristically sidetracked and ended up writing a few little drabbly bits of this story from Sirius's perspective.

Enjoy!

And if you're partial to the idea of an older, taller Remus who happens to be a talented veterinary surgeon, make sure you check out my new fic soon.

***

Sirius strongly suspected that he was not going to make it through a full afternoon of lectures without falling asleep, drooling everywhere, and being made an example of by the professor (again). The bastard hated him, ever since he got the best mark of the class in their first assignment without ‘properly applying himself’, whatever that meant.

And so, he found himself in the Student Union, at the back of a disappointingly long line for coffee. He would probably be late now, he realised, but once the tantalising scent of ground coffee beans had wafted into his nostrils, there was really no choice at all.

“What can I get you?” He vaguely recognised the guy serving, but couldn’t place why. “Oh, Sirius, right?” He had those rounded hipster glasses that sort of did things for him, and when he smiled, little creasy dimples appeared in his cheeks.

Sirius straightened up. “Yeah, sorry I definitely recognise you but I can’t work out why.”

The guy wasn’t perturbed. “No worries, I’m Emil. I was in your beginners’ Spanish class last term.”

“Oh, of course! You were the guy who totally cheated because you waited till the last day to casually mention that your dad is Spanish.”

Emil raised his hands in mock surrender. “Hey, I mean, in my defence, pretty much the only Spanish I knew was from Enrique songs. So...”

“Well then,” Sirius grinned. “I’ll let you off. Double espresso, please.”

Emil set about making his drink. And Sirius quietly appreciated his arms as he proficiently worked the espresso machine. Their fingers brushed as he handed him the coffee, and Emil shook his head when he tried to make payment. “It’s on me,” he said, eyes warm and clear. “I’ll see you around, Sirius.”

“Yeah,” Sirius nodded. “See you soon, Emil. And thanks for the coffee!”

He walked away, smiling. Because it was nice to be fancied, nice to realise that there were other people out there. People other than--

He glanced at his watch. If he got a shift on, he’d only be fashionably late. And who knows, maybe Professor NoFun would be in a charitable mood and choose not to point it out to the whole class this time. His lecture was in the Languages faculty, and as he threw the double doors open, he caught a glimpse of a familiar mop of curly, sandy hair, belonging to a boy who stood pondering the vending machine, face scrunched in a picture of concentration. He stood for a moment, smiling, watching, before making his second easy choice of the day.

“Lupin, did you know that your cardigan is on inside out?” he asked, moving to stand alongside his friend and help him gaze at the almost impossibly vast array of chocolate choices.

“Oh,” Remus said, not looking round “I’m glad you’re here.” His tone was flat, and Sirius’s stomach jolted as he realised that something was amiss. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

“Okay,” Sirius soothed, sounding an awful lot calmer than he felt. “Is this the sort of something that would be easier to tell me with a beer in hand?”

“Yeah,” Remus nodded, still staring intently at a KitKat Chunky. “Yeah, I think it probably is.” Finally, he turned to face Sirius, cheeks tinged pink - unfashionable glasses slightly askew on his lovely big nose - “Oh, but you were on your way somewhere? A lecture?”

“No,” Sirius lied. And then, the truth, “I’m all yours.”

They wended their way to the student bar that was always quietest. Sirius let Remus buy the beers and tucked himself into a booth, watching with amusement as Remus struggled with the small talk the girl behind the bar insisted she should impress on him.

“This is why you should let me get them.” Sirius took both glasses to let Remus sort out his bags and arrange them neatly on the seat beside him. Remus didn’t make a witty comeback, and Sirius deduced that he was definitely fretting, chewing on his bottom lip and staring at a spot of some unknown purple liquid smeared on the wall. “So what’s up?” he asked, softer now.

Remus let out a pained little noise from the back of his throat, and his eyes darted back and forth between Sirius and the smear as he drummed his fingers on the table between them.

“James made a joke last night,” he said eventually, voice a little wobbly. “About me and Alice. About how we had gone off together because there was something going on between us.”

“Is there?”

Remus laughed mirthlessly, eyes a little wild. “No, Sirius. There isn’t.”

Sirius watched as Remus grappled with his breathing. He looked dangerously close to tears and the urge to reach out and comfort him, ever present, was particularly strong today.

Remus groaned and buried his head in his arms on the table. His long neck was dusted with downy baby hairs that were only visible at certain angles when they caught the light.

Sirius swallowed.

“I like men.”

Remus’s words were muffled as he spoke into the table, but he looked up again, looked straight at Sirius. “I like men,” he repeated, nodding like he was coming to terms with the words as he spoke them.

Sirius clutched at his pint glass so hard that his knuckles whitened, and it took everything he had not to grin like the major idiot he absolutely was. Because God, he had been waiting for this. The fondness he felt for the boy sitting before him threatened to boil over. He so wanted to grab Remus; hold him close; tell him that he wasn’t alone; tell him--

“You like men,” he said instead, nodding. “That’s--” he scratched at the back of his head, schooling his expression into something neutral. “I thought you might.”

“Right,” Remus said quietly, fidgeting, uncomfortable.

“It’s all right, Remus. You’re all right.” Sirius took a great big gulp of beer and felt a pang at the sheer relief on Remus’s face. “This doesn’t change anything,” he lied through his teeth.

“Okay,” Remus nodded. “Okay.”

“Would you like another?” He didn’t really wait for a response, walked over to the bar, pressing his knuckles down into the cold steel of it while he waited for the barmaid to finish serving someone else. He ordered and put all his concentration into remembering to breathe. After paying, he found himself back at the table, not sure how his body had known to put one foot in front of the other: he was sure his brain had had little to no involvement.

Some of the colour had found its way back to Remus’s face. His long fingers wrapped around the pint glass Sirius handed to him and he was back to inspecting the smear on the wall.

“You’ve never told anyone that before, have you?” Sirius asked, brushing a strand of hair behind his ear.

Remus shook his head. “It’s - ah - it’s hard to find the words.”

Sirius nodded. Because it was hard, especially so when one’s parents had always behaved as though an act of love between two men were something particularly shameful. What was he meant to say?

I’m gay too. I’m gay and I want you so much I might be a bit mad with it.

That would probably do the trick.

The next day, Remus told his mum. And he drip-fed the news to the gang over the next week or so. Before long, it was yesterday’s news and when they next found themselves out, Remus went off with Alice and they all knew it was not in pursuit of sexy shenanigans, but so that she could talk to him about their course, away from the din of the music.

Sirius watched them from his post leaning on the bar. He hauled in a huge breath and turned to make his order.

A voice shook him out of his thoughts. “Hi there.”

His lips stretched into a smile that was genuine, if a little tense around the edges. “Emil, hi. How are you?”

“Good. Better for seeing you.”

***

“Are you coming out tonight?” James asked, lying spread-eagled on Sirius’s bed while Sirius swivelled around in his desk chair.

“No,” Sirius said straight away, not bothering to make an excuse.

James sighed dramatically. “Come on, mate. You’ve been such a Grumpy Gus of late. I think you need to get out. Word on the street is that Marlene has permed her hair. And if that’s not a good enough reason to put on some proper trousers and leave your bedroom, I’m not sure you’ll ever see daylight again.”

“I’ve seen it,” Sirius huffed. “Don’t care for it.”

James didn’t seem to think that worthy of a response. He had found a ball from somewhere and was repeatedly throwing it up into the air, catching it just before it smacked him in the face. “How is he?” he asked.

“Hmm?”

“Remus.”

“He’s fine. Happy. Enjoying himself. Why do you ask?” Sirius fumbled with a cigarette and lit it clumsily.

“Sirius,” James said softly, putting the ball down.

“James,” Sirius mimicked, taking a long drag and blowing the smoke out in rings that started off fully formed before disappearing into the air.

“It’s okay to miss him.”

“Thank you. I’m glad I have your permission.”

“Oh, will you fuck off out of your own arse for a minute and let me speak?” It was rare for James Potter to raise his voice, but he was coming close, clearly exasperated. And Sirius had got him there, he knew.

“Sorry,” Sirius grumbled.

“Yes, good.” He cleared his throat. “As I was saying. It’s fine to miss him. Good, even, if it helps you figure out how you feel. But you can’t just sulk for the whole year, mate.”

Sirius knew how he felt. Petulant, mostly. Pissed off that he was being called on his petulance. And tired. Just always supremely tired.

“And how do you think I feel?”

“I think you feel the same as I do about Evans. A bit in love. A bit hopeless. A bit blindly optimistic that things will work out despite all the evidence to the contrary.” James said, after a moment’s quiet. “Either that or you’re genuinely depressed and we need to get you some help.”

Sirius didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say.

“I get it,” James shrugged. “It’s fucking killer.”

“I’m not depressed,” Sirius said quietly.

“No, I know.”

“He’s not mine to miss.”

“No,” James agreed.

Sirius stared at the poster of David Bowie on the wall, hoping that the wise man could offer him some counsel in his time of need. “I think,” he sighed, “that Marco is a prick. But I’m not sure how objective I can be on the matter.”

“Nah, he’s definitely a prick,” James laughed, picking the ball up once more and pulling himself up to sit cross legged. “But Remus seems to like him.”

“Yeah.”

“So what are we going to do?” James threw the ball to him and Sirius launched it into the air so it hit the ceiling, then caught it in one hand.

“Murder suicide,” Sirius deadpanned.

“Bit messy,” James observed.

“Go to Rome, declare my undying love and get my stupid sappy little heart broken?” Sirius was only half joking about that one.

“Even messier,” James said in a breath of laughter.

“Hmm. This is a conundrum.” He threw the ball back to James. “How about we go and get ice cream and you come and watch me get tattooed by a guy called Dave who maybe, quite possibly, has killed a man.”

James let out a girlish giggle. “Well that sounds delightful. And the unrequited love?”

“We can worry about that tomorrow,” Sirius winked, standing up and grabbing his jacket off the floor.

***

“How do I look?” he asked, biting into a piece of toast laden with a generous helping of raspberry jam.

Remus was sat at the table in his paisley cotton pyjamas, sticking his tongue out while he did the crossword. He was wearing his glasses and his hair, mussed with sleep, stuck out at unruly angles. He smiled sleepily and looked his boyfriend up and down.

“Give me a twirl,” he said, voice scratchy. There was a fleck of jam on his chin and he had a tiny purple bruise that Sirius vaguely remembered sucking into the supple skin of his neck the night before. He was beyond lovely.

Sirius complied, turning around slowly in the outfit they had carefully selected together the night before: a fitted checked shirt, some charcoal grey chinos and tan brogues with contrasting red stitching. Sirius was excited about starting the new job, yes. But going shopping for a whole new work wardrobe was even better. The clothes they’d come home with were smarter than he was used to, but he still felt very much like himself in them.

He felt Remus’s eyes raking all over him, and when he turned back to him, he threw him his best Blue Steel which forced a gorgeous chuckle.

“You look bewitching, beguiling...” Remus raised an eyebrow, eyes smiling. “Infinitely beddable.”

“I was going for professional, Remus. Keep it in your pants, you insatiable fiend.”

“Oh.” Remus huffed a laugh. “Well, that too, I suppose. You are the picture of white collar competence.” He closed the newspaper and sipped at his tea. “So are you feeling ready?”

“I think so!” Sirius thrummed with nervous energy. “Yeah. Yep. Sure thing.”

Remus laughed; a quiet little thing that warmed Sirius’s insides. “You’re ready. And Paddy and I will come and meet you at five so you can tell us all about it.”

Sirius swallowed and shot Remus a brave grin. “I’m excited.”

“Good! You should be.” He stood up, chair scraping on the floor tiles, and stepped into Sirius’s space. He tugged him gently forward by the collar into a sweet kiss. “Good luck, mate.” He checked him over once more. “I bloody love you.”

Sirius leaned in and nuzzled his neck. “I love you too,” he whispered into hot skin. Then, mumbled but resolute: “‘Twas ever thus, Remus.”

Notes:

I know I say this a lot, but that really is the end now!

Come and find me on Tumblr.

Bisous.