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"Harder, Kara...please", the echo of her moan still pulsing low on Kara ears.
She could still feel the sweaty, shaky body against hers, while the breaths mingled, burning over her golden skin like acid. Kara could still feel every curve at her calloused fingertips, still feel the throbbing of the wet sex, completely open to her long and unkind thrusts.
The blonde still a victim to the sensations she found only when she joined her body with hers.
Kara's bed always seems too big in the mornings while she lay asleep in the soaked sheets, horny with the memories of the same fucking woman. The empty space besides her seems much worse when the other come by - in insane and tortuous dreams.
"I'm losing my mind... damn, woman", Kara said out loud while pressing the nose against the sheets that was cleaning in the saturday but still smell like her.
The eccentric smell of raven hair was impregnated in her case pillow like a drug, burning in her nose, eating Kara alive. While she holds herself against the pillow, trying hard to hold in something to calm down her thoughts, to ground herself when the silence of the night is just too much - too much loneliness, too cold.
Always have been like that: hugging the pillow hard against her chest like some kind of protection since her childhood. When the screams around the house burned in her ears and all that she could do about was sung the lullaby that her aunt teach her in the last visit while her cry was suffocated against the cloth. Beside that she only sleep without a pillow when Lutessa decided stay the night, and she chooses to ignore that sign too.
Lutessa, the only person Kara make the mistake to bring inside her home. One little mistake that haved change they lives completely. It was like a swiss clock, never wrong and always on time - inevitable. Tik, tok, tik, tok and Lutessa was again laying in Kara's bed, owning the place like it's are more hers and the blonde just let it be. It's not like Kara was complaining, in fact the company of the pretty woman always seems like a blessing even when everything it's just complicated - it's always much complicated if it's supposed to be or that they like to admit.
In the beginning Lutessa just spend the nights that she came looking for they mind-blowing sex and the fog of intense pleasure and the little kindness that Kara has left allowed her to tell the other woman to just relax e sleep - never ask. And against Lutessa's better judgement she stays, too much exhausted and satisfied to complain, already under the dark sheets that again will smell like her and her expensive parfum.
But lately the brunette starting to knock on the old door in the weekends too, looking like shit - drunk or too drunk and crying. Kara never asking her to leave, she couldn't, even when she's knows that open her door to a devastated Lutessa wasn't her better move. They're creating connection, support and building a safe escape to the world and Kara was suposse to know better than that, they shouldn't even see each other anymore, they fuck up already, but she's just shouuldn't say no - not to Lutessa anyways.
So she choosed to ignore why the raven-haired woman show up late at her door. Lutessa don't was her friend, so she doesn't ask for an explanation, even that at some point her chest ached in see someone so young and brilliant looking much broken then herself, looking so lost.
Of course Kara at some point has thought that maybe the young woman was in alcoholic patch but forget about it a little after - she can't go there. Other moments she has thought about calling Lutessa's parents, but the woman never talks about family and Kara never shows interesting - had family drama enough in her life. She even considers that maybe Lutessa was an orphan but the woman sometimes had whispered low - thinking that Kara was sleeping - about how she's missing the comfort of her parents house and reminding herself that she should visit more.
Kara chose not to think too much about why the brunette had been drinking so much lately and banged desperately against her worn white door next. Perhaps she was afraid to understand the real reasons, it was better to keep the limits and doesn't give names to the demons that tormented Lutessa at that time.
But there were times when she couldn't avoid the worry and natural protection she felt for the other woman and offered to take her to the apartment Lutessa shared with a childhood friend in a nearby district. And again Lutessa was being carried by a stranger after she got drunk while fight for the umpteenth time that week with her boyfriend. That was the role that Kara occupied in Lutessa's life - a complete stranger, with no number saved in the phone, just a face know to some but without a name or label in the brunette's life.
Being more than that was dangerous, it was like crossing the fine line of detachment to start creating converging lines.
On a rare occasion that Kara had convinced her that staying in the apartment with the blonde was not what Lutessa needed, she had managed to be taken to her parent's house, after the brunette said something about "Sam is busy study to her finals with her new fling, anatomy I suppose", then Kara had quickly met Lutessa's mother. The little brunette was a faithful copy of the older woman, her black hair was different in size but has the same shine - like a silky cloth -, her face was completely indentical, marked by thick eyebrows, small lips and a delicate nose. Apart from the color of the eyes that seemed to be a feature inherited from her father - two large pale green orbs capable of carrying the mistery of an entire world.
The lady had been friendly, thanking Kara several times that even caused discomfort with such an emphasis on the gratitude for taking care of her "little flower". Even offered the guest room sympathetically alleging the danger that it was for Kara to return to home on the other side of the city at that time of dawn. Kara denied with a shy smile and then disappeared down the street illuminated by the yellow light from the streetlamps, while thought it was necessary to keep disappearing like a ghost so that she wouldn't become a present figure in Lutessa's life, she did not want to be part of her life, not like that and for that very reason she left with a dry good night, with no hope of receiving a call the next morning in thanks - which as was predicted did not happen.
"We are not going to talk about it", the voice sounded dry, exhausted. "There is nothing to explain, things are just like that, Kara, accept it", those were lines that were repeated whenever Kara ventured in trying to argue and understand Lutessa's constant visits, but are always shut down by the cold and rigid words of the brunette. And by two months she stopped trying, so she just opened the door without questions and allowed Lutessa to infiltrate her little loft like a feline entering they land again.
When Lutessa's showing up too drunk Kara slowly help her remove her clothes, taking the tipsy woman to a quick shower and then bring her to the only bed she had in the place. When the state of sobriety was almost total - which were the days that Kara just couldn't understand what the dark-haired was doing at her door with an amused smile bringing something to eat - the two could talk about banalities, and Kara listened while Lutessa eagerly explained about her overworked routine because of college, claiming if it wasn't her big dream, she would'ave left medical school at the first opportunity.
"You make it look like everything is a burden", Kara said with her blue eyes focused on the elegant movements Lutessa used while settling better against the blonde's heat body.
"Life is an eternal burden, and we spend our lives trying to get around them. There are those who learn to live in harmony with are they carrying and there are those who decide to ignore it existence", the calm way in which Lutessa speaks was one of the things was more have enchanted Kara, even if she didn't admit it out loud, the way her eyes could not deflect from the woman leaning against her chest, almost purring against her neck, spoked for themselves.
"And which one are you?", the question asked as a whisper means much more than mere curiosity and Kara knew that Lutessa would never allow her to quench it. And if Kara had a super hearing, she could have heard the whisper in a sigh that had left those perfect lips painted in red...
"Yours".
Sometimes the two exchanged some more intimate moments that ended earlier than expected or lasted through the night when they were unable to resist the accumulated lust and Lutessa choose to ignore the missed calls on her phone that laying on the floor next to Kara's bed. But everything was always more intense when the two went out to drink in one of the neighborhood bars and the alcohol in their veins was just right - not too much to forget and no too less to remember everything.
It seemed a little ironic and funny the fact that whenever Lutessa knocked on the door of the loft Kara was at home, like someone who has been expected the visit for years. There were some rare exceptions when the blonde went for a walk in a park not far from home and took the time to photograph the landscape and use the moments of contemplation for the days she devoted to what many called a gift. The truth is that Kara always lives in isolation of her modest apartment, in a region that is not highly valued. The loft was small but it was hers, it was what she had managed to buy with the money that was left after paying the debts her parents left after they passed away, the rest was in an account allowing her to live a peaceful life for the next few years but with no perks.
Not that she hoped to have a long life, that had never really been part of her plans, everything in her life was always too empty for her to want to fill with years and years fated the loneliness that fed like a plague around her.
Even in the days when she was not at home when Lutessa came to visit - as usual without warning - Kara found her talking to the doorman that she was never curious to know the name. However, the man were always nice with the dark-haired woman. Lutessa was naturally communicative and charming, always captivating people atention anywhere and Kara wondered why someone as genuine as Lutessa could want in her company they are icy and pragmatic. Kara is a gray and blue person, so rude at time, having difficulty communicates since her vocabulary was precarious because she moves to a country where the language was not her first one - she moves there, to a unknown country in the illustrious attempt to try something new away from everything she knew.
The first few months were difficult, the bad diction with the language that required movements of her tongue muscles she never make before made Kara more than ever an introspective person, who usually leaves her home at time with little circulation of people just to not have to talk much in this new language, even if it made it harder to learn the embolized pronunciation of those new syllables.
The blonde frequented a small café called Jaccobs, not far from her loft, a little crowd place when was served the black drink that she learn to enjoy since arriving in that country that consumed the fruit very well, due to tradition the city was full of places like that - cozy and that worked until the middle of the night. In these so many visits she ended up sympathizing with the boy who always worked at the same time. He was a smiling, kind, and non-invasive young man, with a light conversation about things the lonely woman never thought of. Involving Kara naturally with him conversations and theories half-heartedly and stories told in a euphoric, engaging way.
Taking her completely by surprise was Conrado, a boy just over him eighteens, of Spanish descent, able to make the blonde chatter for hours even if she mixed the two languages a lot, and he always laughed at her first and then taught her the correct pronunciation or simply a few things in his second language, saying that his mother always demanded that Spanish be the only spoken language at home, a way of bringing some culture of his homeland to that rather cold country and Kara could always manage talk better in the moments with the boy company.
"Gringa", was the nickname that the boy had adopted to refer to the shy foreigner who now kept him company at the counter, "if it weren't for those blue eyes of yours, my mama certainly wouldn't be able to say that you are not latin like us", Conrado always commented on the blonde being better with Spanish than the native language of the country they were in.
At other times, the boy sneaked up and asked Kara to teach him some curses in her language, which she did with a big smirk on her face, always having fun with Conrado's lack of coordination to shake his tongue properly and reach the correct phonemes. Strangely, her nights were less suffocating when she was in the boy's company, always receptive and amused, drawing out so many smiles that when she realized she was somewhat attached to the young man who treated she with respect without failing to make her feel younger than she really was, even free.
And it was on one her recurring visits, always sitting at the Jacoobs counter, that Kara had become accustomed to the way it was so different from that country, and the strange language. It was in that same café, with dark green walls, enjoy the moments with Conrado - who was the closet she had for a friend, almost a younger brother she never had - where the boy always asked she for advice, vented about his life, even though Kara never knew how to act, him claiming that the blonde was a great listener and that she had a future as a psychologist. It was at the café, which had become her second home, since she starts spent a lot of time there, either reading or just enjoying the company of the infectious bartender, who trying to make Kara less cranky. It was in her refuge from the storm that was her own head, that her only friend has tragically introduced Lutessa to her.
The boy had invited her to show up a few hours earlier than Kara was used to going to Jaccobs, claiming it was a case of extreme urgency, which the blonde was reluctant to accept, but in the end agreed to go, after all the boy was always so friendly, making her feel welcomed and calm in the ways that were not warm or very touchy, but still, sincere. And so, Kara had left the house earlier, the sun was setting while she's walking down the street wearing a white button up shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbow and her so faithful and indispensable dark jeans pants. Her walk was slow as she thought about the reasons for such an unexpected invitation, and yet she arrived half an hour early. She was nervous. The atmosphere at this time was completely different from what she got used to finding, there were full tables occupied and spread out so close that she wondered how people could breathe normally without feeling suffocated. The side conversations were making her feel the beginning of a headache with the language being spoken so boldly and in slang terms that she never heard before. But the counter was still empty, and that's where she sit waiting anxiously for the arrival of her one and only friend.
Conrado arrived no much later, punctual as usual, dressed as the blonde never thought she would see, since he was a sloppy boy who always wore very loose-fitting shorts and purposely rumpled blouses. His black hair was fully combed to the side and shine excessively from the excess ointment to keep the strands in place, tight pants and a light long-sleeved blouse shaped his slim figure, making him even taller than Kara was used to - the clothes really make his defined muscles show up.
The "Españolito", as Kara had come to refer to her friend, was a basketball player whom still in high school, competing at the state level hoping to get a scholarship to the university as his mother always dreamed. The not-too-exaggerated perfume already so well-known by Kara, a mixture of herbs and a soft woody tone, took over the room as he approached, with his big, brazen smile being offered to the blonde as he did every day.
But the blonde's oceans eyes almost jump out of the cavities when she finally noticed that next to the boy an extremely beautiful girl was clinging to his arm, looking at her curiously, as if trying to unravel all the mysteries that Kara hidden under her linen blouse. The younger woman with extremely light skin and completely black hair tied in a loose bun was not very tall, the dark greenish dress she wore highlighted the color of her skin in contrast to the olive tone of Conrado's skin.
A curse in her native language escaped under her breath when Kara understood what was going on, but her expression delivered very well how she felt at that moment, amazed and nervous, she was definitely nervous, with the sirens ringing in alert when she understood that caught in Conrado's arm was the girl who she had heard the boy talk about in the past few months.
The young man was head over heels in his constant stories, while Kara limited herself to trying to understand how he could feel so much for someone with whom he barely spoke, since the supposed girl had been friends with his older sister since childhood and had just entering university while Conrado was still finishing high school and had not exchanged more than a few words with his "angel de oro".
Kara knew that Conrado had a strong passion for his sister's friend, who did not seem to notice him despite all his efforts. However, she was a little lost in that scenario because she remembered that the boy had not talked about the girl in the past few weeks and the blonde had come to the conclusion that he had finally given up on the absurd idea of trying to win over someone who barely recognized his existence, but apparently everything was a big mistake.
Kara had to agree with her friend, the girl looked like an angel as Conrado emphasized so much, even more beautiful in that delicate dress. Maybe was the marble skin or the night-black hair or that bright sunshine smile, she couldn't precisely tell, but the obisidian-ish eyes had something clashing inside.
"Kara, this is Lutessa, mi novia", even though she was not familiar with the spanish, she understood that Conrado was introducing her to his girlfriend or something very close to that, the euphoria in the boy's voice was clear, he was hopelessly in love. Kara was surprised again - see her friend finally dating the girl for whom he sighs so deeply and that she well remembered that his feelings did not correspond.
And everything in that scenario made her uncomfortable, since the friendliness and charisma that Lutessa showed since the moment she had reached out to the blonde in a warm greeting, analyzing her deeply with green and predatory eyes, like a dark and full jungle of animals lurking in wait for the moment to attack it.
"Hey, Kara, it's nice finally to meet you after hearing so much about you." There was something different about her tone, deep and slow but at the same time inviting, making Kara grin at the brunette in front of her. "Conre, is unable to stop talking about the 'charming Gringa'. I'm kind of jealous he couldn't find nothing bad to say". Charming and sarcastic - a dangerous comb.
"It's my pleasure, Lutessa. I can say the same, I was beginning to doubt Españolito's mental health and thinking you were just an invention of his fertile mind." Kara says before shake the hand in front of her. So soft and harm, the perfect contrast for her ever-so-cold skin.
"Maybe I am." Lutessa smiled mysteriously at her before leaning against Conrado's body, who now sit at the counter stand in a comfortable height to the dark-haired woman, so she could kiss his cheek and start a simple conversation between the three.
The talk continued smoothly, guided mainly by Conrado and his eloquence of always finding a middle ground so that they could talk in a relaxed way, even though Kara was trying to process what it all meant during the whole conversation. Never before had anyone cared for her to the point of introducing her as someone important in anyone's life. She feels trapped by being faced with the intimacy of Conrado's life, but the happiness so freely printed on her friend's face was enough to awaken the same joy in the blonde.
Conrado spared no praise for each new story he told about Lutessa, always insisting on maintaining contact between their skin. Lutessa, was a second semester medical student, and it was during one of her practical classes that she had finally accepted Conrado's invitation for lunch, as friends, but soon the boy's presence became recurrent in her life and there was no way avoid the inevitable.
"He is too charming to ignore, ya'know. I couldn't fight this perfect smile and believe me I tried." Conrado smiled sweetly at Lutessa, as if he wanted to prove a point before kissing her on the cheek in such a delicate way that Kara wondered how the rude boy she knew could turn into someone so sweet in the presence of somebody, but maybe that was the symptoms of love someone like the boy evidently loved Lutessa.
"She's sweet and kind of an liar!"
"Conrado!" the brunette slapped the boy who smiled in Kara's direction just as Lutessa tried to hide the smirk on her face.
"Oh, c'mon, babe you know that I have to try really hard, you put your standards a way too high for me."
"Well, guess that work out fine, you got the girl, uh?!" Kara interfered and smiled in the direction of those, who were trapped in each other's arms. While Conrado was looking at her happily, Lutessa was examining her like a patient in the office who has symptoms of a disease that she is unable to identify. The brunette made her feel nervous, but strangely invited Kara to keep her eyes on her.
"Yeah, Gringa! I'm that man."
"Yes, that man.. so full of himself...", Lutessa rolled her eyes at the boy cockiness.
"And you love me anyway".
The two shared a light relationship, full of tease and jokes, just as Kara imagined the boy to be at any area in his life.
His compliments were always followed by a wink at the blonde and a kiss on Lutessa's flushed cheek. And every time the boy allowed himself to get lost in details about his girlfriend, Kara could clearly understand why the woman in question had turned Conrado's head. Lutessa was spectacular, intelligent and sarcastic in the right level, friendly and funny, passionate about everything and above all with a beauty capable of making Kara swallow whenever she found her emerald eyes fixed on herself, especially when the blonde got excited and her strange accent was showing.
Kara understood Conrado, more than she could confess, Lutessa was incredibly seductive in a subtle way, able to attract anyone's attention, Kara was sure, because her eyes betrayed her, and she was caught analysing every expression and detail of the woman leaning comfortably in her friend's embrace.
Kara soon discovered that that day was Conrado's break and that he had asked her to come to Jaccobs just so that the blonde could meet "the girl of her dreams", in his low confession between a hug when the two said goodbye because the couple was late for dinner at Conrado's, an official statement of their relationship.
That day Kara never returned home after her meeting with the couple, her head was full, and she decided to walk to the park to try to absorb the latest events, going over and over Lutessa's features. The girl's beauty had intrigued her in a disturbing way, making her wonder if Conrado had noticed how the blonde stared at his girlfriend, even though she tried to avoid it, she was unable to control the magnetism in which her eyes were trapped. Perhaps Conrado was also too busy lost in drooling over the brunette's beauty.
Kara was just curious to finally give a face to the person she had spent so much time listening to, that was it, she conviced herself. Even though that night when she got home the first thing she did was put a white canvas on the easel in the middle of the room and start sketching without thinking too much about it, so in the end a sketch of the young woman with long dark hair is perfectly impregnated on the canvas. The same suffocating beauty - with sagacious and odd eyes - that she witnessed shine all night, taking her thoughts, and was now recorded in the way she could best express herself, through art.
When Kara analyzing the canvas, her chest rose and fell in an uncomfortable breath, she did not understand why she was drawing his friend's girlfriend, it was wrong even if she had one drawing or two of Conrado in some of her notebooks, the intense way that Lutessa's eyes stared back at her from the canvas made her chest twist. She should throw the draw away and pretend that none of it happened, it would be easier even if she was unable to do so.
The months passed by and at least once a week Kara ended up meeting Lutessa at Jaccobs waiting for the end of Conrado's shift and even though there was some kind of guilt in her chest, she sat next to the young woman, so as not to displease her friend by doing so and make him think that she didn't like his girlfriend.
"Can you please talk with her, Kara? I have to work and I don't wanna her to feel alone in the meantime. I don't want to be an awful boyfriend who can make her feel comfortable." The tall boy was practly begging.
"I don't think she will think that, Conrado. She knows you care about her and you have a job to do, so..." The dark-haired boy looked at her showing a pout, like an abandoned dog on the side of the road and the blonde couldn't deny the request. "Okay, I will sit with her but I can't promise we will have something to talk about, you know you the one who make most of the conversation, I'm just nodded and laugh".
And even against her will Kara started to sit next to Lutessa, even though most of the time the medical student was finished some college work and Kara didn't need to open her mouth to say anything more that a shy "Hi". But most of the time the blonde unconsciously wasted her time analyzing the features of the girl's pale face, getting lost in the long and crooked fingers holding the pen and even though her look was not subtle Lutessa never said anything about it, it was as if Kara just didn't exist at all in the most days.
Other times Lutessa tried to start some conversations but the blonde's lack of disposition ended up ending them earlier. And every night that Kara met the brunette, as soon as she got home she lost herself in drawing Lutessa in every possible way, in her many sketchbooks scattered around the house or on canvas - often the urge consumed her so strongly that her books were scrawled still on the old counter of the little café. And Kara felt dirty when drawing Lutessa under Conrado's nose, but she couldn't help it, not when the scent of the woman beside her swallowed and numbed her in doses inappropriate for any human being.
Then the fateful day came quietly. Conrado had to attend a family emergency during his shift on one of the days that Lutessa was waiting for them to be able to go home together - the universe was naughty and probably with plenty of time for inconvenience, Kara thought. The boy ran out of the establishment between emphatic requests for the blonde to take care of Lutessa in the meantime, everything happened so fast that the blonde found herself unable to deny something before her friend hurried out the door without even saying goodbye to her girlfriend. Leaving the two behind with a palpable tension in the air.
The silence between the women remains for long minutes until Lutessa gets up, packing her things to go.
"Where are you going?"
"Home?" Lutessa looked at her in disbelief, what kind of question was that, it was obvious that she would not sit there waiting for Conrado to return, after all the boy had promised a call to reassure her that everything was fine.
"Alone?" Kara questioned getting up while Lutessa analyzed the strange way which the blonde stared at her.
"It's kind of obvious, didn't you think? Or are you really thought that I'm going to let you accompany me as if I were a helpless maiden?" the brunette asked mockingly.
"It's not like that, you don't live in this district and despite everything the world is not that safe for you to take a taxi alone at this hour, Lutessa." The blue eyes of Kara was looking in the other woman direction with determination even if the whole situation don't was what she imagines for the end of her night.
"So you're telling me that you're going to cross half of the city just to follow your friend's orders like I'm a child? Honestly, Kara, I don't think you understand that I don't need a babysitter." Why Lutessa was making everthing so difficult, it's not like Kara was asking to kiss her - not that she thinking about it, at all.
"Rao ... why are you so stubborn? I'm just trying to help. Conrado is my only friend and he doesn't will forgive me if something happens to you, so yes, I intend to accompany you until you are safe at home."
"Fucking unbelievable." Lena muttered under her breath before walking out of the café, listening to Kara's hurried steps behind her as she walked to the end of the street waiting for the light to turn green.
"Lutessa, where are you going? Wait!" Kara hurried on, so she was able to keep up with the woman who was walking too fast for the cold that was making that hour. Damn it, woman. "Lutessa... where are you going?"
"For the nearest hotel, I should sleep at my boyfriend's house today, I have class in the first time tomorrow and there is still a long way to go to finish the assignment. You know he lives closer to the university, and now I need to find a room vacant hotel in the middle of the night. So if you'll excuse me... good night, Kara."Lutessa tried to move but Kara grab her by the arm making the woman stop her attempt to run away. The light touch was warm against her cold fingers, even with the layers of clothes separate both skins.
"Lutessa, wait ..." Kara murmured, as if she spoke out loud the moment and the woman in front of her was going to disappear. "And now what, Kara?", The dark-haired woman's ever-steady voice now trembled with the blonde proximity.
"So what are you suggesting, Kara? I have no other choices and please, I already have too many worries at the moment." Lutessa was unable to keep her eyes locked with the deep blue ones. She was nervous, the body close to her was making her want to run way as soon as possible.
"You could sleep in my apartment?" Lutessa looked at her from the corner of her, trying to confirm that she had heard what Kara had just proposed. The blonde was insane, how could she say something like that? "Look, I know you don't like me very much, or you don't seem to like me, I really haven't been able to understand what you think about me yet. But I like Conrado a lot and I know he cares a lot about you and I’m not going to let you walk around alone at this time, so please be rational and just accept my suggestion ". Lutessa continued to look as if the blonde had just create a second head. "It's not like you have any other option... so please..."
"Okay." The short answer took Kara by surprise, but she didn't show it and just asked Lutessa to follow her, commenting that she didn't live very far from there so the walk would be short.
Kara spent the entire walking lost between slapping herself mentally and trying to control the nervousness that made her twitch and stretch her fingers over and over. She was so lost in thought that soon the two women were walking in through her freshly painted white door. The autumn breeze made them both cover themselves in not very thick coats, which Kara hung up as she let Lutessa entered the place while trying to calm her mind.
Kara did not think she was a very intelligent person, but surely at that moment she felt like the dumbest woman on the planet when she found Lutessa standing in the middle of her room, petrified by what she saw scattered by her house.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
"Lutessa, I-... I can explain".
The brunette had her green eyes fixed on one of the many, many pictures and drawings hanging all over the house, mostly showing her face. But her beautiful eyes were stagnant on the one specific canvas with a faithful version of her green eyes with yellowish strokes, highlighting the blonde's almost inhuman ability to paint. It was a perfect reproduction and so full of energy - Lutessa could see in each stroke how many passion Kara put in every stroke. Much more vivid as she slowly approached the canvas and dragged her fingertips over the thick layers of paint.
It was her eyes, her face, her hands, etched in various shapes all over the blonde's apartment. Lutessa, was speechless for the first time for what Kara remembered. Her hand trembled and her chest was slaughter with the rapidity of her heartbeat.
Neither was able to actually describe or explain how it happened. In an instant Lutessa was completely frozen in front of the painting and in the next she was lost in Kara's warm, hungry lips against hers. Her body burning like lava, hot and thirsty for more. The movements were sloppy as the two tried to undres eachother on a blind walk towards Kara's large bed.
The way the hot body, now reddened by her unkind touches, lay above her made Kara's head spin in all directions at the same time, she felt drunk. The hoarse, chocked way in which Lutessa moaned against her neck each time her fingers mercilessly entered her pussy made the blonde float. She was completely ecstatic to have the woman trembling under her, saying dirty things in her ear. But nothing made her shiver with so much pleasure like those green eyes that were filled with an animal and insatiable desire stare right back her, drink on her soul.
Everything as too much, much, much.
Just as her chest found itself again in an empty void when she saw the woman leave the door of her apartment the next day without a word of regret or even a fight about everything that happened. Lutessa left without saying anything.
But that wasn't the worst thing that could have happened, Kara was used to being left behind and living alone, but the desire inside her was the thing that most scared her mainly because her conscience did not recognize guilt or remorse for what she had done. In fact, when talking to Conrado later in the day when the boy had called to hear about Lutessa - who was not returning his calls - the lack of guilt or shame made her feel growing disgust for herself, for having betrayed the trust of the only person who really cared about her. But the guilt did not exist because in the place another feeling was growing that, she was not prepared to recognize yet, so cling to the void would always be safer, better.
____
Kara's visits to Jaccobs became less frequent - at the same time that the blonde tried to detach herself from Conrado's life, she still searched for a few minutes in the company of Lutessa, just some precious times to look at her beautiful features and smell her unic parfum. The student no longer looked her in the eye or directed any kind of attention, when the words came they were dry, distant and charged with low sarcasm, always making clear the guilt she felt and the shame she carried in her chest even though Kara had no problem taking the responsibility for the both of them.
Even though Kara repeated to herself as a mantra that shouldn't hurt Españolito, she was unable to avoid her thoughts and desires, even though her visits were now shorter, she still needed to see Lutessa to transform the storm of unknown thoughts and sensations that the woman aroused in her body in something concrete and that is why she started to dedicate even more time to her drawings and paintings, or any other type of task he had learned during the art school. The few pieces she managed to develop that were not explicitly versions of Lutessa, Kara sold to a small gallery north of the city. Her new work was an excuse enough to justify her constant absence from Jaccobs even though it was evident how much it was affecting Conrado .
However, things started to fall apart after a few weeks. Contrary to what Kara imagined, the intensity of what she felt for Lutessa seemed to feed even more on hers absence - since the brunette had completely changed her agenda with the arrival of the new semester. It hurts too much to see her friend's crestfallen countenance now that his girlfriend was no longer visiting him, the boy's constant questioning shattered her inside - and yet there was no blame for have sex with someone else's woman. Worse still was dealing with the suffocating feelings that took over your chest, and the growing desire in her skin that no one else was able to satisfy - whispering like a demon in her ear that was bound to go crazy wanting a little more tha she could have.
She had no choice but to cut off contact with Conrado permanently, bid farewell to they nights in the Jaccobs'. There was no time to say goodbye, she just stopped attending the place or answered the constant messages that the boy left. She never had told anyone where she lived - Conrado was no different. Now she was forced to make her own coffee at home to no end up giving in to the urge to listen again to her friend's laughter.
But even so Kara kept close by, whenever she could, she showed up at Españolito games - the boy had enviable skills and the blonde had no doubt that he would get the scholarship to college and would be the pride of his mother. Always choosing to watch in the place as far away from the court as possible and never staying until the end of the game so as not to run the risk of the boy noticing her presence, she would not know how to give a concrete explanation, she would not know how to lie.
Soon the championship final came and there was Kara, wearing the blue and yellow uniform with the name "C. Castañari" written on the back and the number eight printed on the shirt - the number and colors that her only friend defended with such commitment. It was an important moment for Conrado and even if she could not celebrate that moment with him, at least she could enjoy the happiness of his friend from afar, it was the least she could do even if she no longer had that right.
The game was complicated, the Jaccobs future manager had made the last three points of the game giving victory to the home team and the screams around took over blonde's body who emphatically applauded the great goal of her friend. She felt the pride like an older sister when she saw his youngest conquering something so important.
Conrado awakened in Kara that pure feeling that expected nothing in return.
But life has its great peculiarities, its great against times and its infinite games with the destiny of others. She knew that nothing happened by chance or that life never happens as we planned and Kara understood now better than ever how much the universe liked to play the most perverse games, while her eyes were fixed on the scene before her. In the simple kiss that in the eyes of everyone around her was an act of pure love but in her heart it hurts like the worst of poisons.
Lutessa ran towards Conrado's strong, sweaty arms, her long hair lost between the fingers of the boy's big hand while the smile he wore on his face was the happiest and most accomplished that Kara had ever seen Conrado give. It was too much to deal, so the blonde hurried out of the gym, almost running through the streets as fast as she could. She was happy for Conrado and completely shattered by seeing Lutessa for the first time in almost six months - in the arms to which she belonged, in an almost perfect fit.
____
On the same day, an audible knock on her door interrupted her state of deep thought, while analyzing the perfect sketch of Conrado and Lutessa hugging in the middle of the court at the end of the game, it was a painful but poetic moment, Kara thought. The only two people for whom she felt something together in the way that made her throb inside. The painting would be a gift that she would leave at the café for the young man, as an apology and a final goodbye. She couldn't but put herself in that situation, it wasn't fair to any of the three.
She walked towards the door still thinking about the scene of the two holding each other and that she needed to buy more black paint soon. Kara didn't think much about whom that hour of the morning might be, and her distraught state made her open the door in a single motion, finding the most disturbing green eyes she had ever seen standing on the other side of the door, scoffing at her.
"I can't believe you had the courage to do that," Lutessa said after a few long seconds when the two faced each other looking for answers to questions they were fear to ask.
"I don't k- know what v- you talking about", Kara blunted her words a little because of the nervousness of hearing Lutessa's deep voice for the first time after so long.
"Don't be misunderstood, if there's something you aren't, it's stupid. Conre may not have seen you, since he was playing the game of his life, but I saw you from the moment you arrived. Sitting on the other side of the bleachers, with the shirt with his number on it. Who do you think you are, huh ?! " the brunette questioned emphatically, her voice rising a few tones.
"I went to see my friend's game, so obvious that it impresses me that you didn't understand."
"Friend?" Lutessa's ironic laugh sounded down the hall. "You left him without explaining, not that I'm complaining, your disappearance was much more than welcome, but you have no idea how devastated he is. I also didn't understand why he is so shaken by your absence, he told me that you met a little while ago, but somehow he feels obliged to be around because you are in a new country where you don't know anyone, he already considered you could be hurt in some hospital left alone, and he called all the numbers in town. Your "friend" was ill for days and I almost got to say where you live, but how would I explain that the girlfriend who barely exchanged a word with his foreign friend would know information who doesn't even have it? Damn it, you blew it, he doesn't look as happy as he can be, all because of you "Lutessa said now in a lower, melancholy voice as she stirred her hair and looked at everyone less in the direction of Kara.
"Yes, I went to see his game, as you said it was the game of his life. I knew that because he kept telling me that if he reached the final it would be a totally decisive game for his career and despite everything he is my friend, the only one I, would not fail to be there for him, even if from a distance. Españolito is like a younger brother to me "the blonde's words were sincere even though Lutessa's eyes burned with anger at her petulance in say such things.
Kara knew she should have handle things better, perhaps leaving a message explaining the need to move away to focus on other areas of her life. But she couldn't lie to the boy, not after what she had done. Did she not blame Lutessa at any time, how could she? How she would demand of her something that she herself was unable to do. It would be too hypocritical on her part so the easiest thing was to get out of the boy's life, one hour he would forget about her - everyone always forgets.
"So why the hell did you get away from him without even making up a goddamn excuse? By God, Kara, he calls me every day sad to say that you once again didn't show up at the café, and he blames himself. He blames himself for something that he have no idea what it is! Why did you have to do this? Tell me!" the raven haired voice's was broken by the cry that now swallowed her in remorse and shame. "Everything - everything could be so much simpler if you-"
"I don't know, okay? I really don't know and that's why I pulled away, it was the best for everyone. You better than anyone should understand and make him forget me." She said at last frustrated with all that, with the demands that Lutessa made mainly for something that Kara could no longer answer or chance.
It was not possible to change what had been done, it was not possible to review her actions even if she could have gone back in time she would not have done anything differently, she preferred to live with that weight on her back than to never know what Lutessa tasted like.
"You don't know?" Lutessa questioned frustrated entering the loft without waiting for an invitation. Kara closed the door quickly before turning and meeting the woman still in the tight corridor, so close that she felt her breathing heavy. Even though it was risky to so close neither of them moved while Lutessa waited for an answer.
Kara looked into her green eyes again, they were tired like never before, the redness present on the entire surface of her face made Lutessa even more beautiful. At that distance, with the woman's warm breath hitting her dry lips, Kara could smell the alcohol escaping through her pores. It was the signal, the first signal, that Lutessa was also fighting something inside her that she was not able to control, her lost eyes were trying to find an answer from the blue of Kara's eyes, anything that would make her put her foot up for a moment again in floor. She need to feel something again, other than the excruciating pain that swallowed up her.
"I can't give you the answer you are looking for so much, Luttessa ... I also question how we got here, you know ?!" Kara swallowed and quickly touched the other's thin fingers, her skin always pale now was red from the cold of that night, it was strange to feel her skin always so hot now even colder than hers. She made a light caress before looking back at Lutessa's now calmer greens. "But when you showed up that day at Jaccobs, I was surprised, I was finally meeting the girl I had heard so much about. The girl who didn't care about someone as good as Conrado, who didn't see how passionate he was. I was happy too, the smile on his face lit up everything around, it lit up so much that I was happy and smilying just knowing that him was bursting with happiness. But then I looked at you, really look at you, as if it was impossible not to. " She sighed before touching the brunette's face seeing her close her eyes to her touch. "And finally I could understand him. He was right about everything he told me, I saw that he didn't exaggerate when he said that you were as beautiful as an angel. Arguably beautiful, with those eyes that seem to be made of glass or anything but the real thing. They were etched into my memory and I would be able to reproduce them forever even if I had only seen them that day. " Perhaps it was for the best, the two thought and recognized that in each other's eyes. "When I realized I was drawing you over and over and it didn't stop, it is stronger than me ... I simply draw and paint you because you have this singular beauty, unusual and that seems to explode like a supernova. Damn, Lutessa your eyes are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Worthy of infinite poems, all the love that won’t die when you passed away and maybe that’s why I can’t stop drawing you, because I want your image living for all the years that my painting lasts. "
"You stupid, gringa! Why did you have to show up? Why?" Lutessa was sobbing now with her body fully glued to Kara, who stroked her hair waiting for the woman to put out everything that tormented her. "Everything would be so much more simply if you weren't around, everywhere, because he won't let me forget you, it's almost like I can't get rid of you and when he doesn't spend the day talking and missing you, like fucked-up karma, you sink into my dreams. Why, Kara? Why? "
"I wish I could know, angel...".
So in a way that not even the universe - with its antics - was able to explain or predict, the lips met in a soft kiss again, as if Lutessa sought in the brush of they lips and the delicate caress of Kara's tongue in her mouth the answers so that she could finally understand why things had to happen that way, why she had to be completely lost. Lost in the confused feelings that hit her from all sides and mainly to understand why she couldn't get rid of the blonde, when all she wanted was a solution to their situation.
Soon the light touch of lips and shy hands against thye bodies - almost in awe or fear that it was all just a dream -, gave way to the aggressive and rough touch of the meeting of the two. Lutessa's dry tears could still be felt on the tip of Kara's tongue, which now slid down her cheek before getting lost in the other woman's earlobe. Awakening the insane desire in their bodies again.
"You so, so beautiful" Kara confessed softly against Lutessa's neck, hostage to the ethereal beauty within reach of her touch.
Desire engulfed the body and soul of the two women, destroying any barriers that they encounter on the way to leave the two bodies dancing to the sound of sweaty skins rubbing and meeting in sudden and intense thrusts. In orgasms and confessions whispered in the silence of dawn while Kara let herself be carried away by the beauty of Lutessa - worthy of a goddess walking among mortals, devouring her soul that was offered in ecstasy.
Kara could still feel every touch on her body, even though she is now alone staring or on the ceiling of her apartment so empty in the mornings.
Lust still took over her body, surrendering the most mundane wills when she still felt the burning of Lutessa nails digging into the exposed skin of her back, tearing it from her shoulder to the base of her spine, while her tongue busied herself with kissing Lutessa's breasts, offered as the main meal of a banquet. The longing made Kara choke on her own saliva when she felt the exact taste that Lutessa's pussy had on her tongue tip whenever the cum spilled into her mouth, greedy and intense.
The sound of the bed hitting the wall still sounded deaf in the apartment, Kara was sure that there was a small hole in the place where the bed always hit tirelessly every night that Lutessa came to visit, shouting the deepest requests for Kara to go stronger, she wanted it to hurt, for Kara to touch her so deeply that the only coherent thought would be to finally explode without any prediction to compose herself.
Kara might have been going crazy when she was sure she could see Lutessa's naked body lying on her bed, even though the woman had been gone for hours. In fact, she knew she was crazy, completely crazy about the woman who invaded her dreams every night and that when she showed up at her loft, making her believe that they were still there - in her dreams - where there was no someone else or all those feelings, where one could clearly say to the other that they belonged together. Instead of knowing that they were doomed to balance themselves in that love, painted like a constant fall with no forethought to an end but always so close to hit the bottom.
______
Since then, things went on like that. Kara had not returned to Jaccobs as she considered doing the next morning to finally give Conrado an answer and give her peace of mind, she did not deserve it, it was necessary to live with the pain of breaking the poor boy's heart. But she still didn't blame herself, she and Lutessa had no way of controlling it, she knew it might be a complete lie, but she was not willing to pay the price to walk away from the woman. Just as she would never ask Lutessa to break up with Conrado or that she had to choose between the two of them, this was a decision that did not concern her.
Conrado loved Lutessa as Kara would never be able to do, so pure and irrevocable - in the right way.
Kara couldn't just steal her, after all Lutessa was a person and not an object, and even if the possibility were true, she wouldn't do it, she couldn't after all that Conrado had done for her. Kara knew he was sincere, anyone could see that Conrado was destined to love Lutessa with his whole being, without asking for anything in return and who was she to demand that the raven haired woman to own her something? Love? Kara didn't know what that feeling was, never had anyone shown her what it was like to be loved, and so she knew she would never be better at it than Conrado.
Lutessa deserved real love.
That is why they lived in a vicious cycle, while Kara looked inside for some sign of guilt that never appeared. The moments she spent with Lutessa or when she was consumed by her absence nullified any possibility of remorse to grow. Even if she could see the damage that their relationship caused in them both.
As sure as Conrado and Lutessa soon will get married and building a beautiful family - two kids, a girl and a boy, like he always talkied about - to live the eternal cliché of the happily ever after, Kara was convinced that the stupidly perfect beauty of those emerald eyes belonged only to her even if it was necessary for them were far from the world, in the protection of her small loft or only expressed in her drawings and paintings.
When Lutessa spent her nights on Kara's dark sheets and shared a bed with her, the blonde just stroked her hair slowly for a few hours, analyzing every trace of her serene face, sometimes tracing the marks left by their sex, as proof of connection they had, even if it was just fleshly, undoubtedly a necessity. Kara always let her use her body, the insane desire she felt for Lutessa consumed her, devout and unable to rebel against the sovereign longings that Lutessa awakened.
In the end the raven haired always rested calmly in Kara's strong arms, regardless of whether she stepped through th doore devastated or happy. Looking at her resting was like watching a helpless child - something that Lutessa was certainly not. The doctor had much younger features than Kara's, despite the little age difference, the time had been much more cruel to the blonde even though Lutessa spent hours and hours on duty, Kara's dark circles denounced her constant insomnia, some scars marked the blonde's flushed face and her hands were always stained with paint - too rough for an aspiring artist.
But Lutessa had milky skin, thick lips that were naturally pink and soft - never dry like Kara's - the naturally long lashes looked almost fake, and those sparkling eyes, now closed-lids, were terribly shifting, carrying an innocence - inconsistent with personality strong. While Lutessa slept, Kara almost felt able to let me have any kind of feeling for her, almost allowed herself to fall in love. Almost. Even though, deep down, she already had all the most human, profane and foolish feelings for Lutessa - a one-sided love totally asleep, just, so she could be happy with Conrando, making him also impeccably happy.
Even though Kara still managed to keep everything that devoured her inside, she took care of Lutessa in a way that she had never taken care of anything before, even repeating to herself that it was only common for human nature to be moved by others or by someone who had a bond even if it was shallow, that all she felt was not love, just a strong desire that made Kara's body always howl for her, just for her. Kara hidden from the world and from herself the true content of what she felt for Lutessa at her core.
In those little moments when she fell asleep like an ángel de oro she was, Kara loved her timidly to the beat of her lonely heart. Loved her for fractions of seconds so long that it was enough that for the rest of her life just watch her by the dusk, like vésper on the horizon, embedded in her soul - painted like a skyfall.