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He rushes into his room with tears streaming down his cheeks, mentally cursing at himself for letting himself slip. He can't do that. He has to be more careful, control his emotions. He slams the door of his and Yunho's room shut, flinching at the sound of it. He then sits on the floor, too overwhelmed to walk the few steps to his bed, and lays his head in his arms.
Rough sobs force their way out of him and he shakes, wanting to do nothing more than disappear. He doesn't want to deal with this. Not now. Not ever. He looks up after a few seconds, trying to stop the tears that keep escaping his eyes. Why does he have to be so complicated?
Everyone he knows deals with criticism like the adults they are, they accept it and try to better themselves. So why can't he be like that too? He doesn't want this. He doesn't want to react this way. He wants to be like others. He doesn't want to stand out, especially not like this.
The young vocalist wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, pressing the heel of his palm into them gently before looking towards his closet, hugging his legs close to his chest. He sighs, he shouldn't. When a hiccup leaves his lips he sighs again, deeper, and lets go of his legs, shifting a little on the cold floor.
About a year ago, after years and years of struggling and nights full of crying, he finally found a solution to his problems. But, he didn't tell anyone. He couldn't bring himself to do so. Just the thought of the people who he had to see and spend every day with judging and laughing at him for what makes him at ease terrified him.
Hell, he couldn't even tell Hongjoong, someone so caring and understanding like their leader, and his own boyfriend, and he still couldn't. He couldn't ruin what he had now, that would only trigger everything back and nothing could help him after that, and he doesn't want that to happen. He doesn't want to fall into that so soon.
He can't always be one of the responsible ones in the group, he deserves a break. After all, he is just twenty. There is no point in torturing himself any longer when he has time to take care of it. He's not selfish for thinking about himself from time to time, right?
He slowly crawls to the closet, opening it's door and letting his eyes fall to the small box, hidden far behind his jackets and coats. He shakily takes it into his hands, sweeping off the dust on top of the lid with a soft cough. He hasn't used it in so long. He then slowly takes the lid off, his eyes shining at the colorful pacifiers, teddy bears and much more.
He takes one last glance at the door before reaching inside and pulling all of his stuff out. He's too tired and broken to get up and lock it. He is pretty sure no one will come in, he's going to be alone for at least another hour, he doesn't have to.
A surprised expression sets on his face when he pulls out a coloring book and a few colored pencils he completely forgot about. How could he, he remembers loving those.
After a few minutes of just staring at his belongings he starts flipping through the coloring books, a smile making itself visible on his face. He forgot about all the nice things he bought. He can't believe it, how could he forget so easily? Maybe being so busy all the time made him forget.
His eyes widen in shock and he looks at the door in panic when he hears a very familiar sweet voice behind them, coming closer and closer to where he is.
"Sannie, babe, where are you?"
The voice calls out, the door opening shortly after. San just simply stares at the person in them with wide eyes, not knowing what else he should do in his situation. Hongjoong looks down at him in surprise at first, surprise that soon turns into confusion when he notices the things around the other man.
"I-I c-can explain."
San says quickly, kicking everything behind him while stumbling towards the older man. The leader closes the door as San finally reaches him but he doesn't say anything, just keeps his eyes on the younger, waiting for him to talk. San looks at him with tears welling up in his eyes and a shiver runs through the older's body from the sight. He doesn't want San to cry anymore. He was worried enough when he just ran away from the practice room with teary eyes, not bothering to explain what was going on.
"I'm sorry."
San whispers and Hongjoong is quick to shake his head, arms coming up to wrap around the younger man's body. After a few long seconds the younger separates himself from Hongjoong and reaches for the almost empty box on the floor. He holds it up, clutching it so tight his knuckles are slowly turning white.
"T-This is my...."
He breathes out harshly before looking straight into Hongjoong's warm and loving eyes, his own softening. He never thought he would have to say this. He never thought that he would have to tell anyone about this but here he is, shaking and tearing up as he holds his belongings in his hands.
"My little box."
He says and Hongjoong nods slowly in understanding. It shocks him to know that someone he knows is a little. He knows what a little is and the most important stuff as most people do but he can talk about that with San later because right now, he just wants to know what and the cause of what happened in the practice room. That's one of the main reasons why he is here. He rubs San's back comfortingly, walking him to the bed and sitting down with him. San shakes in his arms, turning his head to bury his face in his shoulder after setting the box down again.
"I'm sorry, I know I'm... weird."
He says shakily and Hongjoong shakes his head, holding San closer and tighter, having a sudden urge to protect him from everything and everyone in the world. He holds San like he is the most fragile thing in the world, afraid he might break if any pressure is put on him.
"Don't be sorry baby, there's nothing wrong with you, you're not weird."
He says, pressing a small kiss to San's hair. He holds him gently but still making sure he is secure in his arms, sighing after a minute or two. He soothes his hand down the vocalist's back.
"Now tell me, what happened before you ran away from us?"
He asks, worried. San pulls back to look him in the eyes, biting his lower lip with a frown. He then looks away, releasing the flesh from between his teeth when he starts talking again.
"Nothing happened-"
"Don't lie to me."
Hongjoong says, his voice unintentionally sounding harsh. San suddenly looks back, his wide eyes filling with tears and bottom lip beginning to tremble. Hongjoong curses inaudibly, pulling San's head back to rest on his shoulder. He didn't know the younger is that sensitive when in this state.
"No, Sannie, I didn't mean it in a bad way, I'm sorry."
Hongjoong apologizes, holding San close to his own body, freezing when he feels the fabric of his shirt getting wet. He panics, squeezing San a little tighter. He reaches down to pull San into his lap, the younger gladly following but keeping his head in the same spot on. His whole figure is shaking as he softly sobs into Hongjoong's shoulder. The older gently strokes his hair, shushing him while carefully rocking back and forth. Thank God he knows at least the very basic things to do.
"Baby, don't cry, it's okay you can tell me later, yeah?"
San nods, pulling back a little bit to inhale sharply. Hongjoong keeps running his fingers through his hair, the arm around his waist pulling him even closer. San sighs and lays his head down again.
"I just..."
Hongjoong slows down with the movement of his hand, listening carefully to what the younger has to say. He needs to know what happened so he can help him.
"I thought I messed evewything up...."
Hongjoong frowns, feeling the younger shake in his arms. It is clear that he was drifting off into little space with each sentence which scares him a little. He doesn't exactly know what to do, he has never been a caregiver and as far as he knows he didn't talk to or met one either.
"My steps wewe off... I'm sowwy..."
San continues his voice sounding smaller and smaller. Hongjoong shakes his head slightly, both of his arms wrapping around San's waist. He sighs. He didn't mean to make San think that. He didn't mean it in a bad way, San's steps and moves were usually very controlled and pretty much flawless but today he missed a few steps.
It wasn't noticable at first but as the song went on he kept bumping into other members and he looked unsure of what he was doing which caused them to restart the choreography. Hongjoong only informed him about it, telling him to relax and focus more but it apparently sounded too harsh since it made the vocalist feel this way.
To him, San is perfect in every way possible and he will forever think that, but seeing him so vulnerable and fragile makes him realize how much emotion he is hiding to seem perfect.
"Sannie, it happens, it's okay."
San smiles, nuzzling the older's neck as he closes his eyes. Hongjoong smiles when he feels him relax, melting right against him, his head still tucked in the crook of his neck.
"Thanks, Daddy."
As soon as the words leave his mouth his eyes shoot open and he pulls back, his shocked expression matching Hongjoong's. The younger's face then turns in embarrassment, his cheeks visibly growing hot. He opens his mouth, the look in his eyes already telling the leader he wants to apologize. He stops him with a finger on his lips before he can say a word, making him shiver.
"It's okay baby, whatever you want to call me, you can."
He says, smiling softly at the other. San smiles widely, wrapping his arms around Hongjoong's neck and hugging him tightly.
"Daddy?"
San tries, staring at the blank wall behind Hongjoong, smiling when the leader hums. He pulls back a little bit, enough to press their foreheads together. He pouts slightly, taking Hongjoong's face in his hands.
"I'm hungwy..."
He whispers and Hongjoong smiles, nodding slightly and helping San get off his lap so they can go and get him something to eat. He slips his hand into the vocalist's, intertwining their fingers and holding it tightly. He only stops when San does, looking over at him in confusion. He stares at him for a minute, understanding when San looks down at the floor where his box still is. He comes a little closer, planting a kiss to his forehead.
"It's okay darling, they're still practicing."
"Reawwy?"
San asks, eyes sparkling. Hongjoong nods, opening the door and letting the younger walk out first so he can close it once they are both out. They then take a few steps towards the kitchen, the younger pulling the older and letting go of his hand to help him hop on the counter. Hongjoong chuckles but does it anyway, smiling when San sways his legs. He then steps aside and checks the clock hanging above the doorframe, nodding to himself.
"What do you want to eat baby?"
San thinks for a few seconds before his eyes light up and he smiles at Hongjoong with pretty dimples decorating his cheeks.
"Can I have the bluebewwies we bought yestewday?"
"That's not really for hunger baby."
Hongjoong says, one hand resting on the counter beside San's sitting figure. The younger pouts at him, tilting his head to the side. Damn.
"Pwetty pwease?"
Hongjoong rolls his eyes and smiles, nodding his head and reaching for the fridge door to open it. He knows that the younger will feel hungry again soon but they can deal with that later. He can let him have this. He takes out the blueberries from one of the drawers, taking them to the sink to wash them a little. After doing that he pours them into a bowl, smiling when he notices San's eyes watching him.
"Here."
He says, handing the small bowl to the younger, looking up at him in confusion when he doesn't take it.
"What's wrong?"
He asks, his face softening when he sees San's eyes traveling all around the room with his face slowly turning red. He takes one of the bigger berries, bringing it close to the vocalist's mouth. San looks up at him, opening his mouth and accepting the berry. He smiles when he starts chewing on it, his eyes turning into crescent moons. Hongjoong continues feeding the younger until there is nothing left, putting the bowl in the sink with the intention of washing it later. He brings a hand up to San's face, his glittery eyes looking deep into his own. He smiles and so does San, leaning into his touch.
"My pretty boy."
It already feels natural. If he ever said that to anyone else he would be weirded out, he would probably never say it in the first place, but saying it to San feels normal. It feels like it's supposed to be said. He always wanted to be a father and this isn't that far from that, right? The only difference is that San is his partner, his boyfriend.
San giggles wrapping his arms around Hongjoong's neck and bringing him a little closer. The leader wraps his arms around San's waist, helping him down from the counter and just holding him while they stand in place.
"I love you, no matter what."
Hongjoong mumbles into his hair. San giggles again, repeating the words with his voice sounding sleepy.