And Then There Was You

by ANewPlaceToBeFrom

Summary:

“There are 7 billion people in this world and then there was you. And you somehow became the most important one out of all those billions.”

Clarke is an up-and-coming artist and the foster mom to sisters, Madi and Ontari.

Lexa is a highschool English teacher who's prepared to remain single in the wake of her last relationship.

The two women lead less than ordinary lives, but maybe that's what makes them so perfect for each other.

Notes:

as long as i'm here
no one can hurt you
don't wanna lie here
but you can learn to
if i could change
the way that you see yourself
you wouldn't wonder why you hear
they don't deserve you

Chapter 1: everything i wanted

Clarke could feel it; the headache that was forming at her temples and spreading outward. She’d grown far too accustomed with the feeling as it’d been a constant occurrence during her visits to the principal’s office.

Ontari sat to her left, the teenager scowling and sitting back with her arms crossed over her chest. She’d yet to explain herself, as per usual, which made these interactions all the more difficult.

“Listen,” Indra said as she rested her elbows on her desk. “I can only make so many exceptions. Ontari needs to start acting in check, respecting her teachers, and getting her grades up or else her time at Trikru High is done.”

Clarke sighed, rubbing her temple as she nodded in defeat.

“I understand. Is there anything you’d like to say Ontari?” Clarke asked, looking to the girl who avoided eye contact and fiddled with her nose ring.

“Alright. I’ll see you on Monday at 7am for detention then,” Indra said, giving the teen a pointed look before rising from her seat. “Thank you for coming in, Clarke.”

The two women shook hands while Ontari took the chance to leave the office, not bothering to address her principal or the situation for that matter.

Clarke left the office and found that her foster daughter had already made her way out of the building and towards the car.

Madi, who had her face buried in her book, seemed to have missed her sister’s exit. Clarke took a calming breath before approaching the six-year-old.

“C’mon, love. Time to head home,” the blonde said, running a loving hand through Madi’s thick locks. She knew that the girl needed to wash her hair soon, but that was a fight for later.

“Where’s Tari?” Madi asked, shutting her book and looking around the empty corridor.

“Probably sulking by the car. We better find her before she finds a way to hotwire it.”

“What’s hot wire?” The little girl asked, making Clarke laugh.

“Something you don’t need to learn about for a long time,” the blonde said, wrapping an arm around the shoulder of the child and leading her out of the building.

The two approached the car to find Ontari sitting on the hood, headphones already buried in her ears and some Metallica song playing far too loud for Clarke’s comfort. She didn’t need a child with hearing problems on top of everything else.

“Lower that down,” Clarke said as she tugged a bud from Ontari’s ears.

“Don’t touch my stuff,” Ontari snapped back, clearly not straying from her usual argument.

“I won’t,” Clarke said with an even tone, raising her hands in surrender. “Just lower it down a bit. You know that kind of music makes Madi uncomfortable,” Clarke reminded, motioning to the little girl who had already found her place in the backseat.

That seemed to get Ontari to listen, the teen dropping the volume down significantly as she slid off the front of the car and grabbed her bag from the floor.
Clarke knew that if there was one way to get Ontari’s attention it was through Madi.

The sisters came to her six months ago, both neglected and abused by the foster system, which inadvertently made them incredibly attached to one another. Ontari would protect Madi with her life, that much Clarke knew. She also knew that if anyone was a threat to Madi, the teen wouldn’t hesitate to show how lethal she could be.

It had been the first time that Clarke had gotten shoved by a foster kid, and something told her it wouldn’t be the last so long as Ontari was around, but she couldn’t fathom sending those girls back into the system. She couldn’t fail them.

“What do you girls feel like having for dinner?” Clarke asked as she finally pulled away from the high school.

“Nothing.”

“Toast!”

Clarke smiled at the excited response from Madi, looking at the girl through the rear-view mirror.

“How about something a bit more substantial, yeah? Maybe a stirfry?” Clarke suggested, hoping that the picky six-year-old would agree. Every so often the blonde would make a meal that Madi enjoyed, but more often than not, the girl ended up eating her favourite food instead.

“Will it taste like toast?” Madi asked.

“Don’t ask silly questions, Mads,” Ontari said, her tone neither harsh nor warm. It was her tone for Madi and no one else as it carried no venom or hatred. It was neutral.

“My teacher, Ms. Green, says there are no silly questions,” Madi said back, not catching the way her big sister rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, well, adults aren’t always reliable sources.”

“Ms. Green is right,” Clarke said, hoping to deflect Ontari’s comment away from Madi. “There are no silly questions.”

“Of course she’s right! She’s a teacher, duh!”

Clarke smiled, shaking her head at the six-year-old. She was glad to see some of Madi’s childhood could be preserved and made better; it just pained her to realize that as a consequence it forced Ontari to give up all of hers.

“So, stirfry it is then.”

------

Lexa knocked on Indra’s office door, not waiting for a response as she rarely gave her adoptive mother the luxury of privacy.

“Lexa,” Indra said, her smile lifting at the sight of her daughter.

“How’d your meeting with the Norwood girl go?” Lexa asked, jumping right to the chase as she took a seat across from the principal. Working at the same school as her mother gave her easy access to more information about her students, especially the ones with a knack for causing trouble.

“About as well as it could have gone.”

“So she didn’t say a thing the whole time, huh?” Lexa asked, making Indra nod with a sigh.

“She’s a tough one.”

“So was I,” Lexa reminded, making Indra laugh.

“Don’t remind me. Most of these grey hairs are your doing.”

“And Ontari’s foster mom?”

“Clarke,” Indra supplied, nodding her head as she rested back in her seat and swiveled side to side. “She’s… doing her best.”

“And by that you mean she’s way in over her head.”

“Slightly, yes,” Indra laughed, “I have to cut her some slack though. I couldn’t imagine raising you, Lincoln, Luna, Gaia, and Anya all on my own. I had your father. Clarke is doing this by herself and she has two kids.”

“Which raises the question, why is she even doing it?” Lexa said, almost immediately adding, “I know it’s not my place, but sometimes people need to recognize when they aren’t making a difference.”

“She is, though. Maybe not with Ontari, but Madi is clearly very comfortable with Clarke. And those girls are inseparable.”

Lexa nodded her agreement. She’d seen the sisters sitting together during the recess and lunch breaks. Both girls refused to interact with their peers outside of class so they stuck to one another like leeches. It made Lexa wonder what the two did when they attended schools that didn’t have K-12 in the same building.

“So what should I do the next time she integrates ‘fuck’ into her vocabulary in my class?” Lexa inquired, combing her fingers through her hair.

“Remind her that it’s her last chance. After that send her my way and she’ll be formally expelled.”

“Won’t that be fun,” Lexa said sarcastically as she thought about the outcome of that interaction with her student. “Clarke Griffin is either a saint or an idiot for keeping that girl.”

“God bless her for trying,” Indra said, shaking her head in dismay. “We can’t save them all, though.”

-----

“Madi, time to wash your hair,” Clarke said as she walked into the shared room of Madi and Ontari.

The teen was sat at the corner of her bed, headphones in place and music blaring as she sketched in her highly secretive sketchpad.

“One more chapter,” Madi said absentmindedly, eyes stuck to the page of her book.

“Hey, look at me for a second,” Clarke said, sitting before the girl and placing a hand over the page. “Why don’t we make a deal, okay?”

Madi nodded enthusiastically.

“I’ll wash your hair and you can read your book out loud to me. How does that sound?”

“Can I have bubbles in my bath?”

“I don’t see why not,” Clarke said, making Madi smile and jump off her bed.

“C’mon, Clarke. You’re going to love this book,” Madi said, grabbing her foster mother’s hand and all but dragging her from the room.
Madi sat on the sink countertop and read while Clarke filled the tub and mixed in the bubbles.

Once deemed warm and deep enough, Clarke got Madi to climb in and face the wall so she had full access to her long and tangled hair.
“What have I told you about brushing your hair?”

“I forgot,” Madi said with a shrug, opening her book back to the page she was on and continuing from where she left off.

Clarke listened intently to her foster daughter as she saturated her hair and lathered in the sweet-smelling shampoo.

Madi paused every so often so she could close her eyes and avoid soapsuds in her eyes but remained reading for the entirety of the time it took Clarke to wash, condition, and brush through her hair.

“Here, you need to wash up,” Clarke said when Madi made it to the end of her chapter. She swapped the book for a washcloth already covered in soap.
Madi didn’t fight Clarke on the request and began to clean her body while Clarke worked through the remainder of the knots.

“Did Tari mess up again?” Madi asked after a few beats of silence.

Clarke sighed. She knew this was coming. It always came after Ontari got in trouble.

“No, honey. She just made a bad decision and has to be more mindful next time.”

“Are you going to send us away?” Madi asked, pausing her actions in what could be considered apprehension.

Clarke couldn’t help but pause as well. It always surprised her how unstable the girls felt, even after six months with her proving to them she wasn’t going to abandon them.

“Of course not,” Clarke said, swallowing the lump in her throat. “Hey,” she said, turning the girl by her shoulders so she could look her in the eyes. “You know I’d never do that to you guys as a punishment.”

“Other foster parents did,” Madi said, frowning at the bad memories that were no doubt bombarding her.

Clarke pressed a loving kiss the crown of Madi’s head and held her lips there for a moment.

“I would never, ever, do that to you,” Clarke said, looking right at the bright blue eyes of the six-year-old. “Okay?”

Madi seemed to be content with that, allowing Clarke to redirect her back to her original spot so she could resume the work on her hair.

“You’re like a superhero, Clarke. Like the one from my book,” Madi said, and although she didn’t see her words as holding much power, she managed to make Clarke feel like she’d won today despite everything.

“Thanks, baby,” Clarke said, blinking back tears. “Now let’s get you out of this tub before you shrivel up like a raisin.”

“Can I have raisins before bed?”

“Why am I not surprised? The pickiest kid in the world likes raisins.”

“With cinnamon on top!” Madi added as an afterthought, making Clarke laugh.

“Whatever you want, my love.”

It didn’t take long for the two to wrap things up in the bathroom and venture downstairs to the kitchen to get Madi her late-night snack.

The girl ate her cinnamon covered raisins and gave a detailed explanation to Clarke about the antagonist of her current book and why they weren’t so bad after all, before eventually exhausting herself to a near sleeping state.

Clarke cleared away the last dish and started the dishwasher before lifting the little girl into her arms and carrying her back to her shared room.
When she arrived the lights were out and Ontari was asleep facing the wall, her music still blaring.

“Nose kiss,” Madi reminded as her comforter was drawn over her. Clarke smiled at the sleepy slur of the child’s words and nodded her head in agreement. The two rubbed noses, laughing at the tickle it brought to their faces.

“Sleep tight, little one,” Clarke said, pressing a kiss to Madi’s head before turning to Ontari’s side of the room.

She crept over and reached over Ontari’s sleeping form to lower down the volume of her music. The girl didn’t stir, much to Clarke’s relief.

The blonde reached for the blanket she had set on the edge of Ontari’s bed and carefully draped it over the girl. She knew Ontari ran cold at night, and the extra blanket always seemed like a welcomed addition.

A part of Clarke liked to believe that Ontari craved some motherly affection and left the blanket for her to put on top of her each night, even if it was most likely just the girl forgetting to do it herself.

Clarke moved to press a kiss to Ontari’s head but chose not to press her luck. Instead, she backed out of the room and paused to take one last glance at her girls.

They were messy, a little broken, but still good and she loved them for that very reason.

-----

“No, Anya, I don’t feel like getting shitfaced tonight,” Lexa said as she spoke to her sister over the phone.

“Why not?” Anya practically whined from her end.

“Because,” Lexa groaned as she unlocked her apartment door and entered the empty place. “I have a job that involves minors in the morning,” she explained as she flipped on the lights and moved to the kitchen.

“You’re no fun.”

“I am fun – just only on weekends.”

“But don’t you want to meet Linc’s new girlfriend?”

“I’ll meet her another time. The real question should be if you want to meet her while drinking your weight in alcohol,” Lexa teased as she grabbed a box of cereal that would have to pass as dinner for tonight.

“Hey, I’m a fun drunk!”

“You’re also an honest, and might I add sloppy, drunk.”

Anya gasped in offence, making Lexa roll her eyes as she plopped herself on her couch and turned on the TV.

“I am not sloppy.”

“Do I need to send you those pictures from the last-,”

“Do that and I’ll end you,” Anya seethed, making Lexa laugh. “For real, though. When are you going to start getting back out there? Your life can’t be between the school and your apartment.”

Lexa sighed and closed her eyes momentarily. “I just need time, An.”

“She’s not coming back, Lex. Maybe it’s time to move on, you know? Try meeting new people.”

“I will. I-,”

“No more excuses. What’s your schedule like on Thursday?”

“I’m free after 2:00,” Lexa said, pinching the bridge of her nose as she waited for Anya to reveal her next scheme.

“Perfect. I have to go look at an art piece around that time so I can pick you up and we can go together. You’d be amazed by the number of people you meet as an art collector.”

“You’re dragging me to work with you?” Lexa asked, an amused smile playing on her lips. “To meet people?”

“Again, it’s a very social type of work. Besides, rumour has it that the artist I’m meeting is single and ready to mingle.”

“Yes, I’m sure that’s what they wrote along with their presentation of their piece.”

“Just be outside of the school on Thursday. And don’t tell mom I’m picking you up otherwise she’ll force me to explain every detail of my life.”

“She cares for you.”

“And I care for her. Which is why I’ll be getting lunch with her on Sunday and giving her the full update then. No use interrupting her at work. I gotta go, Linc just arrived with a goddess and I need to find out how much he’s paying her to pretend to be his girlfriend.”

“Play nice,” Lexa sing-songed before saying goodbye to her sister and hanging up.

The brunette took a long look around her apartment and popped a cheerio into her mouth. A few months ago she would have been surrounded by her. Now she was alone.

The silence was somewhat haunting to Lexa.

Chapter 2: building the new

Notes:

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new." - Socrates

Clarke rushed around the townhouse in an attempt to get herself and the girls ready to leave for the day.

Ontari was being the least helpful; the girl still sleeping in her bed and refusing to get up despite Clarke’s many attempts.

Madi was walking around the house in search of something, not paying much mind to Clarke’s various requests for her to get dressed or brush her hair.

“Sweetheart, please, go change,” Clarke all but pleaded as she watched the six-year-old open a kitchen cabinet and shut it soon after.

“One second.”

“What are you even looking for?” Clarke asked, going over to the toaster and taking out the two pieces of bread that just finished toasting. She popped them into a container for Madi to bring to school for her lunch since it was the only guarantee that the girl would eat.

“It’s show and tell. I need to bring something.”

“Madi,” Clarke sighed, realizing that this was in fact an assignment that Madi failed to tell her of. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I forgot,” Madi said with a shrug.

“Well, what do you have to bring in?” Clarke asked, setting the lunch bags at the end of the kitchen island and going over to the six-year-old who wound up in the living room.

“Something that is old,” was all that Madi could supply.

Clarke looked around the room and eventually landed on a vase that had belonged to her grandmother. Clarke never really liked the artifact and only kept it out for her own mom who insisted that she’d do it in honour of her deceased grandmother. If Madi broke it then it would be no true loss to Clarke, and the thing clearly had age to it, which helped with the girl’s presentation.

“Bring this,” Clarke said after taking the vase off the top shelf of their TV unit.

“It’s ugly,” Madi said, crinkling her nose at the dusty item.

“Why do you think I hide it up there?” Clarke asked, using her hand to wipe the surface of the vase. “Tell your class that it’s from the 1800s.” Clarke knew a white lie wouldn’t hurt the girl, especially when she had to convince a bunch of other six-year-olds that it was true.

“Okay,” Madi agreed, deciding that it was better than nothing.

“I’ll wrap it in a blanket and put it in a bag for you. Remember, it’s fragile and breaks easily, okay? No playing around with it. I don’t need cut up little fingers.”

“I know, Clarke,” Madi said, dragging out her words in exasperation. She clearly did not enjoy being told to be careful.

“Now go wake up Ontari and tell her we’re leaving in 15 minutes.”

Madi nodded and dutifully ran off to the stairs, an excited cry of “Tari!” coming from her.

Clarke got the vase all set for Madi and set it next to her lunch bag before getting her travel mug ready with her coffee and doing one last check of their schedule for the week.

It was Thursday, which meant Clarke had to stay later at work and the girls had to walk home. It was a close distance, only 20 minutes by foot, and the girls only had to make the trip once a week as Thursdays were Clarke’s busiest days. It was also the day that the blonde brought home pizza for dinner, something that seemed to please the whole family.

“I got her!” Madi declared as she came back down the stairs with what sounded like a grumbling Ontari following close behind.

“Thanks, sweetheart,” Clarke smiled, pressing a kiss to Madi’s forehead as the girl passed before looking to Ontari.

By the looks of it, the teen only changed her sweats into jeans and applied a new layer of makeup. Her hair was still messy and her shirt was wrinkled but Ontari clearly didn’t care.

“Grab something to eat in the car. We need to leave now,” Clarke said, not gaining a response from Ontari. “Also, don’t forget that you and Madi have to walk home together after school. I’ll be back before six so please try to get your homework done before then,” Clarke said, pausing to see if either girl would respond. “Okay?” she prompted, earning a bright smile and nod from Madi and a sarcastic thumbs up from Ontari. “Good, now let’s go.”

-----

Ontari was what her teachers liked to call unmotivated. She did the bare minimum required to pass, but that was all. Deep down she knew that if she applied herself she would do well – extremely well for that matter – but she didn’t have a reason to.

The fifteen-year-old took her usual seat at the back corner of the classroom, listened to her music, and ignored her lessons as much as possible. She’d gotten better at hiding her earbuds in her hair and avoiding eye contact enough to make it look like she was actually doing something important, but one teacher she’d yet to fool enough was Ms. Woods.

The English teacher was one of the favourites amongst the students, as she allowed for organic conversations about almost everything to occur in her classroom. She spoke to the teens on their level and made them feel like equals, which typically worked well with all the students but had yet to work out with Ontari.

Somehow, Ontari still felt like Lexa was condescending and judgmental. She knew that she was the least favourite student of a majority of the teachers at the school, but she was certain that Ms.Woods was part of that group that was greatly disdained by her presence in their class.

“Along with the reading assignment, I want you all to start keeping journals about the dreams you have,” the class seemed to have mixed reactions to the new assignment, some shrugging while others audibly groaned in disdain. “I know, I know,” Lexa said, addressing the reactions. “But you have to remember that our dreams can often give us insight about something deeper within ourselves. Those short stories we briefly studied by HG Wells were products of his dreams. Now I’m not saying you have to write a whole novel about what you experienced in your sleep, but a half-page note on what you can recall could provide enough substance for you to find inspiration one day. I want all of you to try your very best to write down at least fifteen dreams that you have between now and the next long weekend in November. That’s almost two months away.”

Once the assignment was presented, Lexa allowed her class to have some free time to do homework or speak with their peers until the lunch bell.

Typically, Ontari would sketch when lessons were going on, but now that the class had nothing to focus on she decided against having her sketch pad out in case someone caught a glance of it.

Instead, the teen pulled out the book they were currently reading in the class and decided to finish it then and there despite having the rest of the month to do so. Lexa had assigned them the book on Tuesday and two days later Ontari only had two chapters left. She was a fast reader, and retained information pretty well, allowing her to breeze through the chapters.

Lexa seemed to have caught sight of the book Ontari was reading and approached the teen at her desk.

“Almost done already?” Lexa asked as Ontari paused her music to hear her better. She nodded in response. “You didn’t want to pace yourself over the month?”

“I remember better this way,” Ontari responded, not meeting Lexa’s eyes.

“What do you think of it so far?”

“It’s fine,” Ontari shrugged, thumbing the edge of the pages. “Kinda dumb that this guy is being hunted down for a fairytale book.”

“That’s the beauty of dystopian worlds. They can make absolutely no sense,” Lexa said, smiling at the small breakthrough with Ontari. At least the girl was offering some sort of conversation.

“I think my little sister would like this book. Y’know without all the sex and stuff. I’ll probably read it to her and keep out those parts,” Ontari voiced out loud, taking the chance to look at Lexa who was seemingly pleased with the conversation.

“Well, if you need to keep it longer than this month to do that, just let me know. I’ll make an exception with the library.”

“Thanks,” Ontari said, looking back to her book.

Lexa took that as her cue to leave the conversation, allowing Ontari to return to her reading.

-----

“Alright, next to present is… Madi,” Harper, the first-grade teacher, said as she went down the list of her students’ names next to her.

Madi, who was deeply invested in the book she was reading, did not hear her teacher call her name and only reacted when the kid next to her, Andrew, gave her a shove.

“Dummy, it’s your turn,” the boy said, making Madi frown at the name.

“Don’t call her that,” Jordan, Mrs. Green’s son, was quick to defend. He always seemed ready to come to Madi’s aid when she was being picked on.

“Madi, do you have your item ready to present?” Harper asked, having been too far away to hear the small spat between her son and another student.

“Yes, Mrs. Green,” Madi said, tucking her book into her desk and grabbing the bag that contained the wrapped up vase. She moved to the front of the room, smoothed out her shirt, and extracted the item.

Once it was carefully unwrapped, Madi set it on the small desk that was there for the presentation.

“This is a vase,” Madi stated, pausing to gauge the reaction of her peers. No one seemed to care. She needed to say something more. “It’s old. Like really old. It’s from the 1800s.”

“When was that?” a kid asked, making Madi shrug.

“I don’t know. But it was probably when Jesus was around,” Madi said, recalling the ancient name from one of her foster homes that was a tad bit too religious. “Actually,” Madi said, taking the item and holding it up to her face so she could look inside. “Mhmm, yup, just as I thought. This was actually Jesus’ vase.”

“No it wasn’t,” the kid who shoved Madi earlier argued.

“Yeah, it was. I’m looking at his name right here. Says, Jesus.”

“Who’s Jesus?” A girl sat next to Jordan asked.

“Some guy who has magic powers,” Madi answered. That was what she thought at least as, once again, her previous foster home really failed to explain how things happened in the bible. “Anyways, he used this vase for important Jesus things.”

“Like what?”

“Like…” Madi paused trying to remember some of the stories “Like turning water into fish and making leopards walk.”

“Okay, Madi, I think this is getting a bit off track,” Harper spoke up. She had fun entertaining the little ones wild imagination but knew she needed to reel it back in before some angry parents emailed her about the “Jesus Lesson” that Madi insisted on giving their kids. “Now where did the vase actually come from?”

“From Jesus-,”

“No, Madi. Where did it really come from?”

“The top shelf of my foster mom’s bookcase,” Madi said, kicking her toes into the ground dejectedly. She just wanted her classmates to think she was cool. “I told her it was too ugly to show off, but she said that it was old and from the 1800s so it was perfect.”

“Do you know where your foster mom got it from?” Harper asked, hoping to give the girl some marks for trying on her assignment.

“I dunno,” Madi shrugged. “From someone old I guess.”

“Okay,” Harper sighed, deciding that the hushed laughter of her students was indication enough that Madi was done presenting. “Please take your seat, Madi.”

Madi nodded and re-wrapped the vase before putting it away and going back to her seat.

“That vase was really ugly,” Andrew said, making Madi scowl at him.

“Shut up, Judas.”

That seemed to be all that Madi could accurately remember from that other foster home.

-----

“Mom, for the millionth time, I just haven’t met the right person yet,” Clarke said into her phone as she moved around her studio and arranged her latest pieces to present to a potential buyer.

“Do you even get out enough to meet people?” Abby asked, making Clarke groan at her scrutinizing tone. “I mean honestly, Clarke, how do you expect anything to happen when you hole yourself up in that studio of yours or in your house with those girls?”

“Those girls,” Clarke said, her tone already on the defense, “are my foster daughters, and they are my priority right now.”

“Honey, it hasn’t been getting any easier with them. Maybe it’s time to admit defeat and let someone more experienced and well-equipped care for them.”

“I’m managing just fine, thank you. Madi has practically done a 180 from the first day I met her, and Ontari is slowly letting her walls down. If I give up on them then they’ll just regress right back into their former selves.”

“Don’t you think it would be easier if you had a partner, though? You know, someone you can lean on and use as a support system when being a parent. God knows I needed one when you were a teen and I had your dad at that point.”

Clarke rolled her eyes at the way that her mom managed to bring the conversation right back around to her relationship status. “I’m not alone. I have you and my friends. Like I said, I’m managing.”

“Why are you doing this again? This isn’t some quarter-life crisis where you felt like you needed to try something new and drastic, is it?”

“Mom, for the love of god, these are humans we’re talking about! Living, breathing kids with emotions and traumas that need love and support to help them through their time in foster care. I told you before, I have the privilege of living a life with a flexible work schedule that provides me with the means of getting by rather comfortably. If I can’t share that with someone in need then what good is it?”

Abby seemed to pause on her end for a beat before sighing, “this really is a quarter-life crisis.”

“I’m hanging up now,” Clarke said, having had enough with the conversation. It was times like these that she wished her father were still alive. He seemed to understand her better and knew how to get Abby to understand as well. He would be supportive of her decisions, not judgmental.

Before Clarke could get too bothered by her mother’s unnecessary critique of her life, the door to her studio opened revealing her new client. Time to close a deal.

Notes:

Hi everyone!

Thank you so much for the positive reception on my last chapter. I'm so glad to have captured the attention of so many of you already.

This chapter is not too exciting as I want to establish some more relationships, but I promise things are going to pickup very quickly.

I'm excited about the way this story is unfolding and already have several chapters prepared. My goal is to update the story every Tuesday and Friday, but in the event that I can only provide one chapter, I'll be doing so on Wednesday.

I hope you all stick around for the ride and enjoy my writing :)

Thanks again for the kind words. Until the next update!

Val

Chapter 3: habits

Notes:

"nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits" - mark twain

Lexa stood on the curb in front of the school, waiting for the arrival of her sister. Typically, when having a short workday, Lexa would go home and try to catch up on some errands or do some cleaning around her apartment.

Knowing Anya, however, this would be more than going to meet a new artist in the area. She would somehow convince Lexa to go out for dinner, and, knowing how much her sister liked to talk, they wouldn’t be parting ways until much later in the evening.

Nevertheless, Lexa was quick to decide that it was one of the few times in the week that she got to be with one of her siblings and that she should appreciate it.

After five minutes of waiting for her older sister, Anya eventually pulled up to the school. She had her windows rolled all the way down to allow her music to flow freely through them.

Lexa climbed into the front seat and clipped her seatbelt in place before looking to Anya who was scrutinizing her with a look.

“What?” Lexa asked, crinkling her nose in disapproval of her sister’s face.

“Why are you dressed like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like… like someone who’s not a teacher,” Anya said, head now tilted to the side in what could only be mock confusion. Lexa glanced down at her simple attire. Dark denim jeans, a white t-shirt, and an oversized coat with black ankle boots to match. It was what could be considered a very basic outfit.

“Don’t you have an appointment to make?” Lexa asked, deciding to ignore her sister’s previous comment.

“Maybe we should cancel and go and get you some blouses and slacks.”

“I will get out of this car,” Lexa threatened, reaching for the handle of her door.

In response, Anya pressed on the gas and quickly tore away from the curb of the school.

“So, who’s this person we’re seeing today?”

“A new artist. She used to privately sell her work around Europe and was pretty big there. I’m determined to get her pieces while they’re still on the cheaper side before people discover her and she raises the costs through the roof."

“And if she doesn’t succeed here?” Lexa questioned, earning a glare from Anya.

“A) don’t jinx it; and B) I’m never wrong about up and coming artists.”

Lexa raised her hands in mock surrender and laughed before reaching for the aux chord and plugging in her phone.

“None of that rager shit you used to listen to in high school please,” Anya said, now earning a glare from Lexa.

“Pretty sure I’m no longer an angsty teen,” Lexa said, allowing some alternative-indie song to play out.

Anya laughed, “remember how much it used to worry mom?”

“She thought I had anger issues for years!” Lexa said with an amused laugh.

“Yeah, well, mom’s always been a bit of a worrier.”

The two reminisced in silence for a moment before opening up new conversations about their last week of work and whatnot.

They enjoyed one another’s company for the twenty-minute drive it took to the get to the studio.

“This is it,” Anya said, parking her car along the curb and glancing at the building number to be sure she got it right.

“It’s big,” Lexa commented, making Anya laugh.

“She only occupies the top floor. C’mon, let’s go and meet this mystery artist,” Anya said, moving to get out of the car. She stopped abruptly and grabbed Lexa’s wrist, forcing her sister to look at her. “Embarrass me or cost me this partnership and I will kill you.”

“You invited me, remember?”

“Just be cool,” Anya said, making Lexa roll her eyes and nod before finally stepping out of the car.

-----

Clarke set her phone down as soon as the glass door to her studio was pushed open. A tall woman with icy blonde hair entered, a brunette not too far behind.

“Ladies! Welcome...” Clarke enthused before falling short, her eyes having finally met Lexa’s and recognition setting in.

“Do you two know each other?” Anya asked, noticing the awkward stare the two were sharing.

“Lexa is the English teacher of my foster daughter.”

“Ahh,” Anya said, glancing behind herself at Lexa and wiggling her eyebrows.

“Sorry, I’m being rude. Can I get either of you anything? Water, coffee, tea?”

“I’m fine,” Lexa said.

“Some coffee would be amazing,” Anya added at the same time.

“One coffee it is then. Feel free to look around,” Clarke invited them, motioning to the pieces she had set up around the room.

Anya immediately jumped at the opportunity and went to a painting, taking her time to read the description, details, and other information that Lexa truly had no interest in.

The brunette decided to follow Clarke to the small kitchenette set up in the corner of the studio.

Clarke noticed the woman standing around awkwardly and decided to strike up some conversation.

“Sorry about Ontari’s attitude these last few weeks,” Clarke said, going on to add, “I’d like to say that she’s been getting better at minding her tone and manners, but that would be a lie.”

“Teens are like that,” Lexa said, trying to brush off the apology.

“Not that bad, but thanks for trying to make me feel better,” Clarke laughed, turning to Lexa entirely once the coffee started to brew. “So, art collecting as well as teaching, huh?”

“No, my sister is the art collector. I’m just tagging along because she insisted.”

“I see,” Clarke nodded, chewing her lip when she realized they were slipping into a semi-awkward silence. “Why teaching?” the blonde blurted out, realizing the lack of context in her question.

Lexa laughed lightly and shrugged, clearly getting the gist of the new conversation starter.

“I used to volunteer with this youth help program. It was really life-changing for me, and I guess I wanted to take what I learned and do something good with it. Also I’m a big book nerd so being an English teacher just made sense.”

“Wow,” Clarke breathed, a smile ghosting her lips. Lexa unknowingly made herself incredibly attractive to Clarke. It’s not like her stunning looks hadn’t already piqued the blonde’s interest, but a statement like that was what really pushed her over the edge. Lexa was good, and Clarke had a thing for incredibly kind and good people. “That’s a really… there needs to be more people like that in the education system,” Clarke finally decided to add when she realized her silence was a bit rude. It was true. While she’d only had Ontari and Madi for six months, four of them had been spent with the girls attending school and it really opened her eyes to the way that teachers treated some kids.

“Thanks,” Lexa said, blushing slightly. “How about you? Why art?” Lexa asked, the two sharing a small laugh at the way that Lexa copied Clarke’s previous choice of words.

“This was sort of a… dramatic and hasty decision,” Clarke admitted.

“Clearly it worked out for you,” Lexa said, making the blonde nod in agreement.

“I got extremely lucky. Truthfully, I ran off to Europe right out of high school as a way to get back at my mother.”

“As one does,” Lexa said sarcastically, causing the two to laugh again.

“Yeah, I was a pretty dramatic kid,” Clarke said, chewing her lip as she contemplated on whether or not to add the reasoning behind her running off. She shook her head and continued, “anyways, I started moving around different countries and only settled down in certain cities long enough to paint or sketch a few things. After a while, some people started growing interested in my work. I couldn’t carry all my work along with me as I trekked around the continent, so I started selling them. Not for a lot, but enough to afford me new supplies. Eventually, someone really wealthy thought my art was going to be big, bought some pieces for a lot of money, and left with that. Not a week later his friends started approaching me for pieces. That’s when I settled down in Amsterdam.”

“I’m jealous. Living in Amsterdam must’ve been amazing,” Lexa enthused, making the blonde nod.

“It’s beautiful. I got a lot of my inspiration for my pieces from there.”

Clarke realized that their conversation distracted her from the coffee that had finished a while ago, causing the blonde to hurry to the machine and remove the pot.

“You sure you don’t want coffee?” Clarke asked, grabbing a mug for Anya.

“I’m good. That’ll be my sixth cup today and I would actually like to sleep tonight.”

“Fair enough,” Clarke laughed, placing the pot down and grabbing the full cup. “Give me a second.”

Clarke got Anya settled with the coffee and double-checked to see if she had any questions before returning to Lexa who had taken to admiring an oil painting she did.

“I can see why you were such a hit in Europe,” Lexa said when Clarke stopped beside her.

“Thanks,” Clarke blushed, a feeling of pride rushing through her. She wasn’t sure why, but she was excited that she impressed Lexa.

“What brought you back to San Diego?” Lexa asked, making Clarke frown slightly.

“I was getting comfortable, I guess,” Clarke lied, adding as an afterthought, “I needed to challenge myself as an artist so I decided to see if I could make it in North America.”

“So where did Ontari and her sister come into all of this?”

Clarke prepared to answer but Anya was quick to interrupt with an enthusiastic, “Oh my god!”

“Everything alright?” Clarke asked, looking over to her client.

“This is amazing! How much do you want for it?”

“You better head over there. Once she sees something she likes she sort of becomes attached,” Lexa said, making Clarke laugh and nod.

-----

“Stupid Andrew was a butthead and didn’t believe me so I put an ant into his snack at recess.”

Ontari rolled her eyes at Madi’s seemingly endless tale about her day at school. She loved her little sister with all her heart, but the six-year-old was sometimes too hard to keep up with.

“Don’t get caught,” was all Ontari could say as a warning, making the little one look her dead in the eye.

“Duh! I’m not dumb like you, Tari.”

“Watch yourself, kid. Clarke won’t be home to save you until 5.”

“Can I watch TV until then?”

“Whatever you want,” Ontari said, grabbing her house key as they approached the townhome. The two girls entered the house and kicked off their shoes. “Hey, where’d this hole come from?” Ontari asked when she noticed that Madi’s worn down pink sneaker had a hole along that side where the sole met the fabric.

“I dunno,” Madi said, not really caring much for the damaged shoe. “It makes my sock all wet when it rains, though.”

“Madi,” Ontari sighed, swinging her bag off her back and looking for her wallet. She counted out her cash and change, frowning when she realized she only had $65.43 on her. It was their backup money in the event that their foster home became dangerous and they needed a way to escape. Shoes weren’t really a good reason to spend most of it. “Okay, I need you to stay alone for a bit, okay? I’ll be home before Clarke.”

“Where’re you going?” Madi asked, moving to follow her sister out the door.

“I have to get you some shoes that don’t have holes. Just give me an hour.”

“Okay,” Madi agreed, frowning when her sister opened the door. “Don’t get in trouble, k Tari?”

“I won’t,” Ontari smiled, pressing a kiss to Madi’s forehead before saying, “why don’t you go watch some TV, yeah?”

Madi nodded and moved to the living room, dragging her bag behind her as she went.

With that, Ontari left the house and hurried to the nearest bus stop, hoping with every bit of her being that she could get the shoes without any trouble. She hated that she had to result to stealing. It wasn’t something she felt good doing, but she also knew that her little sister couldn’t walk around with a giant hole in her shoes.

This wasn’t the first and it certainly wouldn’t be the last time she’d swipe something from the mall.

Two stops later, Ontari was close enough to the mall to walk. She tried to be as efficient as possible and hurried to Payless where she breathed out a sigh of relief when she found that it was busy with parents and kids who were also shoe shopping.

Ontari slipped by the customers and went to the kids section where she was keeping an eye out for any sneakers that already came in Madi’s size.
It didn’t take her long to find a basic black pair with small batman symbols on the side. Madi wouldn’t be too pleased that they weren’t pink like her last pair, but they would have to do.

Looking around herself, Ontari grabbed one shoe and slipped it into her backpack before grabbing the second one and holding it by her side. She walked around the store a bit to play off her reasoning for being there before finding a second opportunity to sneak the second shoe into her bag.

Hiking her bag over her shoulder, Ontari hurried for the exit.

She was almost home free. Just out of the mall and to the bus and then she’d be fine.

Ontari was near the food court when a man dressed as security approached, his sights clearly honed in on her.

“Fuck,” Ontari breathed out, stopping in her tracks and contemplating on running.

“If you run I’ll be forced to call the police. Now, follow me,” the man said, leaving no room for arguments.

Ontari, who knew better than to get into anything with the cops, nodded and followed the man. She was in deep shit.

Notes:

Looks like Ontari can't stay out of trouble for very long.

Thank you all once again for the kind comments and the kudos on my work. I really appreciate it, and I hope that I can keep producing chapters that you all like.

I received a comment in the previous chapter regarding some confusion with ages, so I've decided to add a little character list at the end of each chapter.

Thanks for reading, and I'll see you all at the next update :)

Val

 

Character List / Info (updated as characters are introduced):

Clarke Griffin – 28 years old
Ontari Neva Norwood – 15 years old
Madi Flo Norwood – 6 years old

Lexa Woods – 30 years old
Anya Woods – 32 years old
Indra Woods - 53 years old

Abby Griffin – 55 years old

Chapter 4: poor judgment

Notes:

"good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well that comes from poor judgment," - a.a milne

Clarke had just finished wrapping up two paintings for Anya and receiving the payment when her personal phone rang.

She glanced at the caller ID and frowned when she read Ontari’s name. The girl rarely called her unless she really needed to.

“Sorry, could you give me a moment?” Clarke asked, making both Lexa and Anya nod.

“We’ll get out of your hair,” Anya said, grabbing one painting while Lexa took the other. “Thanks again, Clarke!”

Clarke waved off her client before answering her phone, “Ontari, is everything alright?”

“I need you to get me,” Ontari said, no indication of trouble or fear in her tone.

“From where? Is Madi with you?” Clarke questioned in a slight frenzy, remembering that the two girls were supposed to walk home together.

“She’s at home. I’m at the mall. The security won’t let me leave until they talk to you.”

“Excuse me?” Clarke asked, taking in the rush of information.

“I got caught stealing. Can you just come and get me?”

“Damn it, Ontari,” Clarke said under her breath, rubbing her forehead and closing her eyes momentarily. “You have to wait there until I can get Madi. She’s six if you forgot, and legally can’t stay home alone,” the blonde said bitterly, trying to convey how angry she was through her words.

“Sure, fine, just get here. They’re taking my phone away so I can’t call you again.”

“Fine,” Clarke said, not in the mood to verbally admonish the teen over the phone.

“Wait, you aren’t going to tell Simone, right?”

“Well, I’m legally obligated as your foster parent to inform your social worker about this stuff so, yes, Ontari, I’ll be telling Simone. I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” Clarke said, ending the conversation there. She hung up and slipped her phone into her pocket before moving to grab the rest of her things.

She locked up her studio as quickly as possible, deciding to return the next day to re-organize and clean up. For now, she was a mom on a mission.

-----

Lexa shut the trunk of Anya’s car and dusted her hands over her jeans before looking to her older sister who was giving her a stupid grin.

“What?” Lexa asked, already moving to her side of the car while Anya continued her creepy starring. “Jesus, Anya, stop looking at me like that,” Lexa ducked into her seat and puffed out an annoyed breath before Anya also plopped herself into the car and shut her door, the stare once more returning.

“You like her,” Anya hummed happily, making Lexa roll her eyes.

“She’s the foster parent of one of my students.”

“But you like her,” Anya insisted, grabbing Lexa’s arm and shaking it excitedly.

Lexa shook her head and pried her arm free from the older woman’s grasp.

“She’s very pretty, and makes for entertaining conversation, but I can’t do it. I can’t put myself through that again,” Lexa mumbled the last part, looking to her lap in hopes of dropping the conversation.

“Stop it,” Anya insisted, leaning closer to try to regain her sister’s gaze. “Lex, don’t go down that road. C’mon, we’ve been over this-."

“My wife died, Anya! I get to be sad about that,” Lexa snapped, making Anya lean back in her seat to give the other woman some space.

“Hey, I’m not saying you don’t get to be sad. All I’m saying is-,” Anya paused, contemplating her next words. She grasped Lexa’s hand and continued, “Costia wouldn’t have wanted you to never love again. You’ve got a lot of life left to live and she wouldn’t want you to live it alone-."

“I’m not alone. I have you guys,” Lexa interrupted, making Anya nod her agreement.

“Of course you have us. But everyone needs a person just for themselves. I’m not saying that Clarke is the person that you’re going to marry and be with forever and ever, but I think if the interest is there then why stop yourself from pursuing it?”

Lexa chewed the inside of her cheek and looked at the car parked in front of them. “I’ll think about it,” was all she could supply as a response. It was enough to satisfy Anya who finally dropped the conversation entirely and moved to start the engine of the car.

“Are you feeling like cheesy garlic bread, because I’m feeling like cheesy garlic bread,” Anya said as she merged into traffic and started in the direction of Lexa’s favourite pizza place.

“You’re always thinking about cheesy garlic bread,” Lexa said though a small laugh. “But I’m down as long as we can get some wine to go with it.”

“That’s my girl,” Anya laughed, playfully flicking Lexa’s ear before she gave her arm a comforting squeeze.

-----

Arriving at the mall security holding area, Clarke sighed when she realized Simone had beaten her there.

The social worker was talking to the security officer who was nodding in understanding and glancing at Ontari every so often.

The teen was slouched in a chair, her fingers fiddling with her nose ring as she stared at the interaction through her eyelashes.

“Clarke,” Simone said when she noticed the blonde walk in. “Madi, sweetheart, how are you?” Simone asked, turning her attention to the six-year-old who was holding to Clarke’s hand.

“You’re sending us back?” Madi asked, ignoring her social worker’s question as she looked to Clarke with pure fear etched on her face.

“No,” Clarke said, instantly stooping to the child’s level. “Madi, I wouldn’t do that. Ontari made a mistake and we’re here to pick her up, remember?”

Madi nodded, her eyes still wide with panic. She looked both ready to cry and runoff, causing Clarke to squeeze her small hand a bit tighter.

“We’ll discuss their living situation a bit more once I wrap things up here,” Simone said, the comment going over Madi’s head but making both Clarke and Ontari snap their heads up to look at her.

“Simone,” Clarke attempted to say, making the older woman raise her hand in a silencing motion. If Clarke weren’t so afraid of losing the girls, she would’ve torn the woman a new one for being disrespectful to her.

Simone wrapped things up with the security guard and thanked him for his time before going over to Ontari and grabbing the girl’s forearm.

“Let’s go,” the woman said, her once pleasant glance gone as she tried to get the teen out of the mall.

“Don’t touch me,” Ontari seethed, yanking her arm away and hurrying towards Madi. She took the child under her arm and started walking ahead with her, leaving Clarke and Simone behind her.

“I’ll meet you at your house. We’ve got a lot to go over,” Simone said, not saying anything more as the group walked to the parking lot. “Madi, Ontari, you girls are riding with me.”

“No, but, Clarke said-!” Madi said, absolute panic coming through in her words now.

“We’ll meet her at her place. C’mon,” Simone said, leaving no room for argument.

Clarke didn’t bother fighting the social worker on that, opting to just approach Madi and drop a kiss to her forehead.

“I’ll see you at home in ten minutes, yeah?”

Madi nodded and followed her sister to the sedan while Clarke walked another row of cars down to her station wagon.

Once situated in the driver’s seat, Clarke dropped her forehead against the steering wheel. And here she was thinking she’d have a peaceful evening with the girls.

-----

“What did she try to steal?” Clarke asked once she and Simone were sat at the kitchen table. Ontari and Madi had been sent to their room as soon as they got home so the two could speak in private.

“Some shoes. She had nothing to say about the incident, but I managed to talk the security out of calling the police by claiming that she stole them because her own were run down and it’s hard to afford new things in the foster system.”

“And that worked?”

“For now. She’s not allowed back at the mall unless accompanied by an adult-.”

“Like they actually keep track of that,” Clarke said, making Simone shake her head.

“I don’t think you’re aware of the severity of this situation, Clarke.”

“I’m perfectly-.”

“Your foster child shoplifted while you were at work. Your other foster child, who is six, mind you, was home alone for an unknown amount of time. I have many parents to keep track of, but you are one of the select few that doesn’t seem to have a legitimate caretaker in place of yourself while you’re at work.”

“I trust Ontari to care for her sister on Thursdays when I have to stay at the studio until 5. Every other moment aside from that I’m with those girls. I do my very best to care for them. You know that,” Clarke said, clearly not in the mood to be put on the spot for being a poor foster parent.

“Today’s made me question whether or not that’s true.”

“Go ahead, then. Ask them what our weekly schedule looks like.”

“Getting short with me isn’t going to help your case, Clarke,” Simone warned, looking at the space around her, no doubt trying to find something else to hold against Clarke. The blonde knew she kept the house as clean and safe as possible, which gave her some relief in that respect.

“How do we move forward then?” Clarke asked.

“I have to speak with the girls separately and have a full re-evaluation of your license performed.”

“Sure, fine, whatever you need to do. But the girls stay here.”

“You aren’t in the place to be making demands, Clarke.”

“Madi has made amazing progress here. If you tear her away from me she’ll just revert back to her old self,” Clarke said, offering her own warning to the woman.

“Maybe it would be best if I had the girls re-homed entirely-.”

“No!” Clarke quickly interrupted.

“Ontari has been suspended twice from school, and has had a whopping 43 detentions during her time with you. All things considered, it may be better for her to be out of your care.”

“She’s not an easy kid, Simone. You told me those exact words when you dropped them off at my doorstep. I’m trying my hardest here. Please, don’t take them away.”

“I need to speak with the girls in private, would you mind pointing me in the direction of their room?” Simone said, ending her conversation with Clarke at that and standing up from the kitchen table.

Once alone, Clarke wiped her hands on her jeans and started pacing the kitchen. The thought of having the girls taken from her was suffocating. She could only hope that Simone made the right decision to leave them with her.

-----

It killed Clarke to hear Madi crying in the upstairs bedroom. The little one was unapologetically upset about the conversation she was having with her social worker and sister and, if it wouldn’t cause more trouble, Clarke would’ve been up there long ago.

Eventually, the sound of the door opening signaled the end of the thirty-minute long discussion and it also caused Clarke to hold her breath in apprehension. Madi came crying down the stairs, her beloved toy gorilla held in a vice grip.

Clarke didn’t say anything, knowing it would do no good at this point. Instead, she pulled Madi into her arms and held the girl’s head close to her chest, taking their brief alone time as an opportunity to sway them back and forth and hum a soothing tune. Madi’s broken cries almost instantly calmed into quiet whimpers, and eventually simmered away into sniffling.

“I’ve got you,” Clarke promised as she pressed a kiss into the sweet-smelling hair, taking a minute to keep her nose there and just inhale.

The blonde wasn’t entirely aware of it, but having Madi around seemed to make breathing easier.

Simone came down five minutes later and set two things down on the table.

“That’s the form you need to submit to the center with an available date and time for someone to come and do a full house check,” Simone explained, pointing to the full document. “And that’s a reimbursement form. Buy Madi some new shoes and attach the receipt. We’ll reimburse you the cost within a week.”

“What?” Clarke asked, wiping under her eyes. She wasn’t sure when she started crying.

“Ontari was trying to steal new shoes for Madi. Apparently, there’s a hole in her sneakers. I explained that we would pay you back for that stuff, but she was adamant that you would return the shoes the second you got your money from us.”

“I would never,” Clarke said, shaking her head in disagreement.

“I know that. But Ontari doesn’t. Madi clearly has no desire to leave so I’m going to give you another chance. Let Ontari step out of line like this again and you will be leaving me no choice,” Simone said, making Clarke nod adamantly. “She also needs to start attending group therapy. I’ll find her a group and email you all the information.”

“Okay, yeah, I’ll talk to her about that. Thank you, Simone.”

Simone simply nodded and turned her attention to Madi who was still hiding in Clarke’s embrace.

“Alright, Madi, you remember to call me if you need anything, yes?”

Madi simply nodded, not bothering to look at her social worker in fear that the woman would change her mind and drag her out of the home.

“Get that form submitted by the end of next week,” Simone said to Clarke. “I’ll let myself out,” the woman decided, knowing very well that neither Clarke nor Madi would let go of each other long enough for Clarke to show her the door.

Once the front door shut Clarke let out an even larger sigh of relief and turned her full attention to Madi.

“Why don’t you and Pauna watch a movie, yeah?” Clarke suggested, giving the toy gorilla and small tug in hopes of bringing a smile to her foster daughter’s face.

“Can you watch Indiana Jones with me?” Madi asked, wiping under her nose with her hand.

Clarke cringed and instinctively reached for a napkin from the holder at the center of the counter. She used it to wipe Madi’s face while she said, “I need to talk to Ontari but you can start it without me, okay?”

Madi nodded and moved to the living room while Clarke took the stairs to get to the girls’ bedroom.

“Headphones off,” Clarke said when she walked into the bedroom to find Ontari sitting on her bed and sketching, seemingly unbothered by what just went down.

The blonde’s words fell on deft ears, causing her to approach the teen and pull the buds out herself.

“Hey!” Ontari sharply yelled, not fazing Clarke one bit. For once her anger surpassed the fifteen-year-olds.

“None of that,” Clarke warned, giving the girl her hardest glare. “You really screwed up this time, Ontari. You not only almost ruined this for yourself, but you almost ruined it for Madi too. How do you think she would feel if she got taken away from her home today?”

“Okay, first of all: this isn’t her home, and second of all: she’d live,” Ontari said, using as much sass behind her words as possible.

“Well, guess what? To her, this is her home. This is where she feels safe and comfortable and loved and you almost took that all away for her. I get it, you were trying to do something for her, but have you ever considered, oh I don’t know, maybe talking to me?”

“You wouldn’t get it,” Ontari said, shaking her head and reaching to put her earbuds back into place.

“Don’t you dare,” Clarke warned, grabbing the entire device from the teen and unplugging it.

“Don’t touch my stuff!” Ontari yelled, standing up and trying to make herself seem bigger than Clarke. She wanted to seem tough, but Clarke saw right through the façade.

“You’re grounded, Ontari. You got that? That means no more phone, or TV, or anything remotely fun until you recognize that what you did today was not only wrong, but also very illegal.”

“You can’t take away my personal things,” Ontari said, trying to play the rules against her foster mom.

“Yeah, well, maybe this’ll give you a taste of what juvie’s like because at this rate, that’s where you’re headed. Now do your homework,” Clarke said in finality, moving to leave the room. “You’re also going to start going to group therapy.”

Ontari groaned, “I fucking hate you!”

“Get in line!” Clarke called back, shutting the door behind herself and heading to her own room. She turned the phone all the way off before tucking it into her nightstand.

All she needed was Ontari to offer an apology for her actions and then the phone would be all her’s again.

Clarke had a feeling it would be a while before she’d be taking it back out again.

Notes:

Cleary Clarke is still learning how to be the parent of a teenager.

Thank you once again for the kudos and comments on my previous chapter. I love receiving all of your kind feedback.

From this chapter on, things will start to escalate. At the rate that I'm writing chapters on my end, I'm hoping to increase the updates on here from twice a week to three times. I'll see how much I can produce this week and make a decision before the posting of chapter 6.

As a side note, the social worker, Simone, is Simone Lightbourne from season 6 before she body-snatched Abby (in case anyone was wondering which character they should envision).

Until the next update :)

Val

Chapter 5: avoiding life

Notes:

"you cannot find peace by avoiding life" - virginia woolf

“Alright girls, remember to meet me out here right after school. Madi, no silly business, okay? Ontari has to go to her first group session and can’t be late,” Clarke explained as she pulled her car up to the drop-off/pick-up zone of the school.

“Got it!” Madi said, nodding her head and smiling at Clarke who was looking at her through the rear-view mirror.

“Ontari-,”

“I got it during your last lecture,” Ontari interrupted, her gaze stuck to her right as she looked out her window. “I won’t be late.”

“Good,” Clarke said after a beat, deciding that she should consider Ontari’s cooperation as a small victory in the parenting department.

Ontari got out of the car with that, thankfully not slamming the door behind herself.

“I’ll see you later, baby,” Clarke said, turning her attention back to Madi who was unclipping her seatbelt.

“Bye, Clarke,” Madi said, pressing a quick kiss to her foster mother’s cheek before getting out of the car and running towards the school.

Clarke sat for a moment and watched the little one catch up with Ontari and head into the school. Once she was sure that both girls were inside and safe, she pulled away from the curb and headed in the direction of her studio.

-----

A typical lunch for Ontari was spent at the back of the school with her sketchpad and her music. Madi would usually be beside her, the little one occupied with a book and her food allowing the two girls to enjoy their quiet time together.

Today, Ontari was working on a sketch, sans her music due to her confiscated phone. In her peripheral vision sat Madi who was reading and munching on some ritz crackers at the same time.

A tap on Ontari’s knee managed to break the teen from her concentration.

“Tari, I have to go bathroom,” Madi explained as she stood up. “Watch my book.”

Ontari nodded her agreement and grabbed Madi’s hand before the girl could scamper off. “Remember to wash your hands, okay?”

“I know. I don’t want icky toilet germs on me!” Madi exclaimed, making Ontari laugh and release her hand, clearly satisfied with that response.

Alone once more, Ontari looked back to her sketch and was prepared to concentrate again; but then something else interrupted her.

A soccerball from the large field rolled towards her, bringing with it a floppy haired boy.

“Sorry,” the boy said, jogging towards Ontari who didn’t respond. “Ontari, right?” the boy asked, a certain cockiness to his tone that made Ontari cringe.

She opted to stay quiet but nodded her agreement.

“I’m Liam,” he said, as if that were any more of an indication of who he was to Ontari.

“And?” Ontari finally said, prompting him to continue.

“We have bio together. I sit two rows ahead of you.”

“I’m sorry, am I supposed to care?” Ontari sassed, making the boy scoff. She knew that he expected her to be all over him and that her lack of interest was a real kick to his ego.

“Y’know, maybe if you hung out with me and my guys sometimes you wouldn’t act like you have a stick up your ass.”

“Hey, you came over here,” Ontari said, starting to grow defensive. “Now get your ball and go before I make you regret it,” the girl continued, standing up as if to show that she could stand her ground.

“That a threat?” Liam asked, stepping closer.

Ontari reacted at that, swinging a fist towards the boy who was all too prepared for her next move. He caught her wrist and gave it a twist, pulling her closer to him.

“You’re going to regret that,” Liam sneered, squeezing Ontari’s wrist a bit more causing the girl to fight against his hold. “Clearly no one’s broken you in yet. Maybe you should let me and my boys help you out with that.”

Ontari recoiled slightly, getting the message loud and clear. She felt bile rising in her throat, her stomach practically turning to stone as she processed his words.

“Dude, c’mon! The others are waiting!” a guy further out on the field interrupted.

The two paused for a beat before Ontari spoke up, hoping to get the last word in. “Go on. Your boys are waiting for you, douchebag.”

“Fucking worthless cunt,” Liam spat her way, shoving her back a bit before hurrying to return to his game.

Ontari waited a beat and tried to calm her breathing. She wasn’t so sure when it became so ragged, or when her palms began to sweat. One blink caused a stray tear to tumble down her cheek. Why was she crying?

The running approach of Madi caused Ontari to quickly sniffle back whatever emotion surfaced and shake off the feeling of impending doom that settled in her gut.

“Thanks for watching my book,” Madi said, clearly not noticing anything wrong with her sister. The little one simply sat back at her spot and returned to her ritz crackers.

Ontari tried to return to her sketch but a sour taste from her encounter with Liam made her unable to do so. Instead, she tore the page out and crumpled it up.

“What’s wrong with it?” Madi asked, looking at the paper ball.

“Nothing,” Ontari lied, starting a new sketch. “It just didn’t feel right anymore.”

-----

As promised, both girls met Clarke outside of the school at 3 o’clock sharp. Madi instantly launched into a speech about her day, clearly not missing out on any details as she discussed each and every class.

Clarke was actively engaged in the conversation, asking questions and commenting about the interesting parts of her foster daughter’s day.

Ontari stayed silent the entire drive over to the center, offering very few words to Clarke’s occasional questions regarding her day and what not.

“Here we are,” Clarke said, her voice a bit softer than normal. She could tell something was troubling the girl a lot more than usual and wanted to make the drop off at her first support group a bit easier. “Madi and I will meet you out here at 5, okay?”

Ontari looked at Clarke, a pensive look on her face before she masked it and nodded her agreement.

Wordlessly, Ontari got out of the car and went towards the center.

“Hey, kiddo. Any idea what’s going on with your sister?” Clarke asked, looking at Madi through the rearview mirror.

“I dunno,” Madi said, still oblivious to the shift in her sister’s mood. Clarke, however, was not as easily fooled and could see through Ontari. The things she’d do for that girl to let her in.

“Maybe we can make her cookies,” Madi suggested, regaining Clarke’s attention.

“Is that something she’d like?” Clarke asked, making the little one nod.

“Tari loves rocky road cookies,” Madi said, causing a frown to appear on Clarke’s face. Six months with these girls and she’d never learned about her foster daughter’s favourite type of cookie. Something about that made the blonde feel horrible.

“Alrighty then. We’ve got an hour and a half to kill so we might as well go shopping for the ingredients.”

“Can we get more toast?” Madi asked, making her foster mother roll her eyes.

“Yes, Madi, we can buy more bread” – god knows they go through at least two loaves a week at the rate the six-year-old eats toast.

“And grape jelly.”

“And grape jelly,” Clarke agreed, nodding her head as she pulled away from the community center.

-----

Ontari was one of the first few to arrive at her group therapy. She hated being early, it gave people more time to try to engage in conversation or scrutinize her from a distance.

She opted to keep to herself, as she normally did, and wandered along the edge of the room, looking over the various posters and sign up sheets that were strewn across the walls.

There were posters for all kinds of things – teen pregnancy, drug/alcohol use, bullying, rape, abuse.

Ontari snapped her attention away from the wall and looked over to the chairs set up in the middle of the room. She opted to take a seat with her back facing the wall of posters and her front facing the door. Her escape route.

Simone said she had to attend group therapy, but she never specified if she had to stay for the whole session. She’d stick around for as long as possible – for Madi’s sake – but the second things seemed to be getting hard (which they always did) she knew she would leave. Ontari was a creature of habit after all.

“Alright, if everyone could please take their seats,” a male in his early twenties said as he motioned towards the chair circle. He took a seat at what could be considered the forefront of the group and waited for everyone else to occupy a seat. Once the commotion of movement stopped, the man spoke again. “Before we start off today, I’d like to welcome two new people to our group – Ontari and Sasha,” there were weakly mumbled hellos and pathetic excuses for greeting waves before the man spoke up again, “I’m Patrick and I lead our weekly group sessions during this time slot. The way I organize these sessions is by encouraging not only group discussions but short periods of personal thinking and discovery. Everyone is encouraged to bring with them a notebook where they can jot down some notes during our reflection times. Now, this week you two are walking in on a bit of a weighted subject. We were planning on discussing triggers and how they effect us,” Patrick paused there, seemingly taking in the reaction of the others in the circle. “If anything that is mentioned during our conversation does not sit well with any of you, please feel free to voice your thoughts or take a breather. I highly encourage you not to hold anything in, however; remember, this is a safe place that is made to help you work past your inner turmoils’, not fuel them.”

Ontari breathed in deeply through her nose, already exasperated by the lengthy introduction from Patrick. Share your feelings – You are valid – This is a safe place, yada yada yada. It was all the same horse crap to her.

“Before we talk about causes, would anyone like to share what happens to them when they are triggered by something?”

Ontari looked at the other teens in the room, waiting for someone to say something. She was surprised when people began to willingly speak.

“I cry,” one boy said, making others nod. “I’m not too sure why, but my triggers make me overwhelmed and I don’t have any other way to let that pent up feeling out, so I cry.”

“I’m sort of like, Wes,” a girl spoke up. “I don’t cry, but the overwhelming feeling makes me feel like I’m choking so I start to panic.”

Several more people shared their two cents. Even the other new kid – Sasha was their name – shared that they start to pace and mumble to themselves. All that was left was Ontari.

“Ontari, would you like to share anything?” Patrick asked, causing the teen to mull the thought over in her mind.

Ontari shrugged and after a beat said, “I break things.” At least if Simone asked, Ontari could say that she participated. It was better than nothing.

-----

Lexa strolled through the aisles of the grocery store, loading her cart with stovetop and microwave dishes that required little effort on her end. She was never the homely type that knew how to prepare a meal, let alone grocery shop. But she managed, and every so often she made the conscious effort to grab a few fresh fruits or vegetables to prevent her body from completely shutting down.

It was at the produce section that the sound of a familiar voice caught her attention. Lexa stopped dropping apples into a bag and looked straight ahead to see Clarke talking to her youngest foster daughter. The blonde and little brunette laughed about something, and Lexa couldn’t help but smile. It was reminiscent of her mom’s and Luna’s relationship.

Not wanting to seem creepy, Lexa returned to her task at hand and finished grabbing her apples before setting them in the cart.

When her back was turned, Lexa heard Clarke call out for the little girl before she huffed a breath and, presumably, walked away.

Lexa chanced a glance behind herself and noticed that Clarke had left the produce section in search of the girl.

It bugged Lexa that a woman she barely knew managed to capture her whole attention without even knowingly doing it. It reminded her of when she first met Costia. Slowly but surely she became all Lexa could think about, and eventually, she worked up the gall to ask Costia out; a decision that would fill Lexa’s world with so much happiness and then eventually take it all away.

But Anya was right, Costia wouldn’t want her to live the rest of her life alone. And maybe it wouldn’t hurt to try to get to know Clarke a bit better. If anything, she was always open to making new friends.

With a determined stride in her step, Lexa turned her cart towards the aisles and started to glance through them in hopes of finding Clarke. 2 aisles down, Lexa found the younger woman crouched in front of the child. Being her awkward, and suddenly socially inept self, Lexa decided her best tactic to get Clarke’s attention would be to make it seem like she couldn’t get past her cart.

“Sorry, I just need to sneak past you,” Lexa spoke up. And then blue eyes met green.

-----

“Alright, kiddo. Pick one vegetable that you know you will eat,” Clarke said, following the determined six-year-old that was walking in front of the cart.

“How about this,” Madi said, patting a squash and looking back at Clarke.

“You hate squash,” Clarke said, a smile tugging at her lips.

“I do?” Madi asked, tilting her head to the side in thought.

“Yes. Remember I made that soup the other day-“

“Eww!” Madi laughed, shaking her head at the memory. “No squash.”

“Should we get some cherry tomatoes for your sister?” Clarke suggested.

“Yes! Tomatoes are so yummy,” Madi enthused, making her foster mother laugh again. She knew that Madi was only saying that because her sister liked them. There was no way she’d be able to get the little one to eat a vegetable, but it was worth a shot.

As Clarke sorted through the selection of boxed tomatoes, Madi caught sight of her favourite aisle and went running off in that direction.

“These look good,” Clarke said, turning to show Madi who was no longer by the shopping cart. “Madi?” Clarke called, glancing around the produce section. She sighed deeply and set the item in the basket before pushing the cart in the direction she knew her kid would go. This wouldn’t be the first time that Madi slipped away without her permission.

A sigh of relief slipped past Clarke’s lips as she rounded the corner and found Madi sorting through some generic white bread brands, two loaves tucked securely under either arm.

“Madi, what did I say about running off?”

No response. Clarke took a calming breath and approached the child, carefully crouching beside her and turning her by her shoulders so they could be face to face.

“Wait, I’m finding the squishiest one!” Madi declared, clearly not finished with her search.

“Hold on a minute. I need you to look at me,” Clarke said, using a gentle hand to steer the child’s attention back to her. Once blue eyes locked on blue Clarke spoke again. “What have I said about running off?”

“I forget,” Madi said, still not paying much attention.

“No, Madi, you didn’t forget. I know you know this. Think carefully,” Clarke instructed. She knew that Madi’s attention span was not the longest unless she was reading a book, which is why she required more patience when it came to interactions like these.

Madi took a deep breath and closed her eyes, taking a second to think through what Clarke was asking.

“I have’ta ask you for permission,” Madi finally said, making the blonde smile and nod.

“Exactly. I get really worried when I don’t know where you are. I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“I was just getting toast,” Madi pouted, shrugging her shoulders in the direction of the shelves of bread.

“I didn’t know that before, though. Next time I’d like for you to ask me so we can go together. Think you can do that?”

“Yes. Were you scared Clarke?” Madi asked, making the blonde smile fondly at her foster daughter’s concern for her feelings.

“I was. I didn’t know where my little crazy pants went,” Clarke said, trying to get a smile from the six-year-old.

Madi frowned and released the two loaves of bread from under her arms before wrapping them around Clarke’s neck, giving the woman a bone-crushing hug.

“I’m sorry,” Madi mumbled into the crook of her foster mother’s neck.

“It’s alright, sweet girl. Just try to remember for next time, okay?”

Madi nodded at that and stepped out of the embrace, crouching down to pick up her bread.

“Did you find the squishiest loaf?” Clarke asked, changing the subject to something the child actually enjoyed.

“Not yet,” Madi said, turning back to the shelf with a determined look on her face.

“Sorry, I just need to sneak past you,” a voice spoke up behind Clarke, making the woman stand up and turn around, an apology ready to leave her mouth.

“Lexa,” she said instead, a smile instantly coming to the blonde’s lips as she recalled their lengthy conversation from last week.

“Oh, hey,” Lexa said, smiling as well and reaching a hand up to fix some wispy hair from her face. “Funny running into you here.”

“Well, at the rate that this one eats bread I practically live here,” Clarke said, motioning behind herself to Madi who was still deeply invested in her bread hunt.

“Explains the toast for lunch,” Lexa laughed, recalling the times that she’d be doing outside monitoring and find Ontari and Madi sitting together with a baggy of toast between them.

“It’s one of the few things she’ll eat,” Clarke said, hoping she didn’t come across as a bad parent to Lexa. “I prefer a full child over a hungry one.”

“I’m in no place to judge,” Lexa said with a small laugh as she motioned to her own cart. “I practically lived off of mac n’ cheese as a child and the habit hasn’t left me entirely.”

Clarke laughed as well when she noticed the half dozen boxes of mac n’ cheese in the brunette’s cart. “Glad to know that this one will never change her ways,” Clarke said as she lovingly stroked the top of Madi’s head.

“Would you like bread too?” Madi asked after her foster mother’s affectionate touch snapped her out of her bread hunt.

“I think I’ve still got enough at home. Thanks for offering, though,” Lexa said, making the child smile. “Has Ontari shared her book with you yet?” the teacher asked as an afterthought, recalling her conversation with her student a week ago.

“Yeah!”

“Are you enjoying it?”

“It’s alright,” Madi said, twisting her lips in thought. “I don’t like the dumb people who burn the books, though. Like, how will anyone ever get to read the Magic Tree House books if crazy people are walking around burning them?”

“Magic Tree House, huh? What crazy adventure are you on now?”

“Pirates Past Noon!” Madi enthused, dropping her loaves of bread once more so she could reach into the cart for her book to show Lexa. She was extremely excited to have someone talk to her about her books that wasn’t Clarke or Ontari.

Lexa took the offered book and smiled at the well-worn cover and pages. Madi was evidently a very invested reader. “What’re these?” the teacher asked, crouching down to the child’s level and running a finger over a passage in the book that was circled in sloppy crayon.

“Those are my favourite parts,” Madi explained, flipping a few more pages to show her colourful markings. “I sometimes read them to Clarke at night.”

“This one’s always got her nose in a book,” Clarke said with a fond smile, Lexa catching the way the foster mother smiled lovingly down to Madi.

“Well, if you ever want to talk about your books or share your favourite parts, my classroom is always open.”

“But you teach the big kids,” Madi said, tilting her head in confusion. The lower grade levels were restricted to their section of the school, which means Madi had a whole different set of teachers than Ontari.
“I do, but I always have time for incredibly smart kids like yourself. Just ask Ontari where my classroom is, and she can show you.”

“Okay,” Madi said, still in slight awe that an adult wanted to talk to her. Most adults, expect for Clarke, thought her talking was annoying and useless. “Thank you.”

“My pleasure,” Lexa said, handing the book back over to Madi standing upright again.

“Why don’t you finish finding your bread, sweetheart?” Clarke suggested, making her foster daughter nod and return to her task. “Thanks for that,” the blonde said, turning her attention back to Lexa.

“No need to thank me. Madi is clearly a bright kid. I’m interested to see what more she has to say.”

“You really don’t know the impact that has. How can I repay you?”

“That’s not necessary,” Lexa said, brushing off the offer.

“At least let me buy you a coffee or something.”

Lexa smirked and said, “if you’re offering to take me on a coffee date then I definitely accept.”

Clarke blushed and stuttered over her own words before finally taking a deep breath. “Yes. Okay, a coffee date it is. How about Saturday at 5? I know a great place by the water.”

“Sounds good. Just text me the address,” Lexa said, pulling a piece of loose paper and a pen from her bag and quickly scratching her number down on it. She handed it to Clarke who smiled and thumbed it in half before slipping it into her jeans pocket.

“I’ll text you then,” Clarke said, making Lexa nod.

“Can’t wait,” the brunette said, turning her cart around and heading back down the aisle the same way she came.

Clarke stood there for a moment, dumbfounded by the interaction before realization set in that Lexa didn’t have to get anything on the other end of the aisle. The blonde was suddenly giddy with the thought that Lexa intentionally approached to talk to her.

“Clarke why is your face frozen?”

“What?” Clarke snapped her attention to Madi who was lobbing three loaves of bread into the cart at once.

“You were staring at nothing for a long time,” Madi explained, moving to grab another two loaves.

“Alright, that’s enough,” Clarke said, unloading one loaf of bread and steering Madi away from dropping her other two into the cart. “And don’t be cheeky,” Clarke warned, giving the girl a quick tickle to her sides, making her squeal with laughter. “C’mon, we have to get Ontari soon.”

Clarke and Madi went on to finish their shopping, Clarke’s stupid grin not leaving her face for even a minute.

Notes:

Clarke and Lexa are being cute and awkward.
Ontari is hiding secrets.
And Madi is eating toast.

I promise, as time progresses Ontari's character will become more likable (if not, at least someone you can sympathize with). At this point, she's an angry teen who thinks the whole world is out to get her. Please, bear with me as I write out her angsty storyline.

As for the updates, I'm going to switch it to three times a week, so now you'll be receiving them on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. This way I'll be encouraged to write a bit faster on my end. Overall, I'm hoping to get 25-30 chapters out of this, but you never know.

Until the next update :)

Val

Chapter 6: heal our brokenness

Notes:

"and in the end, we were all just humans... drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness" f. scott fitzgerald

Madi recently started to love Saturday mornings. Being an early riser meant she was always awake before her sister and foster mother. A few months ago this would cause her a crippling feeling of anxiety as she feared getting in trouble for leaving her room before Clarke called them for breakfast. Now, however, after testing her limits little by little, Madi had scrounged up enough courage to venture out of her room, down the hall, and to Clarke’s closed door.

With tentative little movements, Madi turned the knob and pushed the door open. She padded her way through Clarke’s room and went to the empty side of the blonde’s bed. The first time she’d done this was two months ago. Clarke was understandably startled, which caused Madi to cry and attempt an escape; Clarke, once over the initial shock of her little bed intruder, was quick to comfort the girl and talk her through her panic.

Now, this encounter was rhythmic and expected. Madi climbed onto the bed, pulled back the covers, and laid on her side facing Clarke. Like clockwork, Clarke’s eyes blinked open and she smiled sleepily at the little one parallel to her.

“Morning, sweet girl,” Clarke whispered, raising a hand to run it over Madi’s hair.

“Cuddles?” Madi asked, making her foster mom nod with an even bigger smile, her arms opening in invitation.

Madi moved into the embrace and released a content sigh as she allowed her eyes to shut again. Sometimes she fell asleep until a decent hour on a weekend morning, other times she made up stories behind her closed eyes.

Unable to imagine anything better than having a morning cuddle, Madi drifted back off to sleep while Clarke stayed awake a bit longer just savoring her time with her foster daughter.

Times like these, when she had nothing else to worry about and she was more present in the moment than ever, Clarke couldn’t help but let the thought of adoption cross her mind. It wasn’t her intention to adopt when she became a foster parent. Much rather, she was determined to be the last stop for a child before they found their forever home; a safe place that helped to heal what had been broken during their time in foster care. But in these moments, when she was holding Madi closer than ever, she couldn’t help but believe she was meant to be her’s all along.

-----

“Does everything have to be a fight with you?” Clarke asked as she blew air through her nose and tried to take a calming breath.

“I didn’t start this, you did!” Ontari fought back, crossing her arms in defense and glaring at her foster mother.

“I just want to make sure that you and Madi will be okay for a couple hours. Excuse me for doing my job.”

“I think you’ve forgotten that I raised Madi by myself. I didn’t need any shitty foster parent then, and I certainly don’t need one now.”

Clarke could admit, that one hurt a bit. She was astonished by how quickly this conversation escalated. One minute she was just trying to lay out some ground rules for Ontari who was going to be home alone with Madi for a few hours, and the next the two were in another verbal match to see who could hurt the other more.

Clarke knew that she should try to talk Ontari down at this point. Rebutting with something that could potentially be hurtful was not a route to take, especially since Ontari could go on forever. Clarke couldn’t help it, though. The look Ontari had set on her was making her feel nothing but anger.

“Do you not remember what happened the last time I left you to watch your sister for a couple of hours?” Clarke asked, Ontari seemingly unfazed by what was to come, “you left her home alone and shoplifted-.”

“-because she needed shoes-.”

“I don’t care,” Clarke cut off. “You still left a six-year-old unattended. That means that like it or not, you still need someone to remind you about some very basic ground rules that you have to follow when there are no adults around.”

“Then why are you leaving me alone with her?” Ontari challenged. “If I’m so untrustworthy and whatnot.”

“Because I have a…,” Clarke faltered, realizing that she couldn’t very well tell the teen that she had a date, let alone one with her English teacher. “I have work, okay?”

“On a Saturday?” Ontari questioned, cocking an eyebrow in mock humour.

“You are impossible,” Clarke sighed, rubbing her forehead before she went to her purse and grabbed her wallet. “Just buy some pizza, don’t touch the stove, and for the love of god, don’t leave Madi alone again. I don’t need Simone breathing down my neck because some fifteen-year-old struggles to follow some very simple rules.”

Clarke placed the thirty dollars on the table where Ontari could see them and gave her one last warning glare before she went towards the stairs.

“Madi! I’m leaving now, sweetheart.”

Little feet could be heard thundering above them, cueing Clarke to the fact that Madi was not going to walk down the stairs.

“Slowly,” the blonde warned, effectively making the quick steps slow down. Madi met Clarke at the bottom of the steps and wrapped her in a tight hug. “Be good for Ontari, okay?”

“’kay,” Madi said, giggling when Clarke tickled her sides and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“You girls can call me if you need anything, alright?”

“Whatever,” Ontari mumbled, moving past the blonde on her way to the stairs and avoiding her gaze entirely.

“Hey, you think you can do me a favour?” Clarke whispered to Madi, making the girl nod her head excitedly. “I need you to try to cheer Ontari up, okay?”

“I can do that,” Madi agreed, jumping off the last step and running to her art drawer. Clarke had set it up for the six-year-old after she’d been caught ogling her professional stuff one too many times. The blonde decided it was a good way to make Madi feel at home and to keep her tiny hands out of the real paint.

“I’ll draw her a picture,” Madi said, placing her paper and crayons on the table.

“Thanks, baby. I’m going to go now. Love you.”

“Love you too,” Madi hummed, already deeply invested in her artwork.

Clarke laughed and turned to leave, taking one last glance up that stairs. Sometimes she wished that Ontari would be as easy as Madi. Maybe then the girl would see that she wasn’t here to ruin her life.

-----

“What if I screw this up?” Lexa asked as she sat in her car and looked nervously at the café across the street. She had all of her sisters on a conference call, which was still connected to the Bluetooth of her car.

“Screw up how?” Anya asked, followed by-

“She could always spill her drink on herself,” Luna supplied, making Lexa palm her forehead.

“Well that’s not very supportive,” Anya returned, “it’s like asking her to trip over her shoelaces of something-,”

“Not helping!” Lexa interrupted, her anxiety growing to astronomical heights now thanks to her sisters' unnecessary fuck-up suggestions.

“You’re going to be fine,” Gaia encouraged, her soothing tone bringing Lexa’s anxiety down a bit. She was the quietest of the bunch, but she always knew the right thing to say. “Just take a few deep breaths, smile, and compliment her. You’ve got this, Lex.”

“Gaia’s right. Also, make sure your shoelaces are tied, just to be safe,” Luna said.

“The first date is always the hardest,” Anya reminded. “Just be yourself and you’ll be fine.”

“Well,” Gaia said, her voice rising slightly. “Don’t be entirely yourself. You can leave out the too cool to show emotion act in the car-,”

“I agree,” Luna interjected. “Also, no smirking. Your real smile it much prettier-,”

“Guys,” Lexa whined, feeling her nerves rise again. “Why is this becoming a roast?”

“Reign it in, ladies,” Anya said. “Repeat after me, Lex. I’m hot.”

“I’m not doing tha-,”

“Say it, damnit, or I’ll roast you too,” Anya threatened.

Lexa rolled her eyes and repeated after her sister, though with much less conviction, “I’m hot.”

“I’m kickass,” Anya said, making Gaia and Luna giggle while Lexa sighed out in annoyance.

“I’m kickass,” Lexa mumbled.

“And I’m a goddamn goddess who’s going to make Clarke fall in love with me.”

“I’m not entirely comfortable saying that,” Lexa said, while Gaia and Luna erupted into giggles once more.

“I tried to help you, I really did,” Anya said, her tone indication enough that she was throwing in the towel.

“Well, we can’t do anything more for you now,” Luna said. “You’re five minutes late and you should never leave a pretty girl waiting."

“Shit,” Lexa said, rushing to check her reflection one last time in the overhead mirror before she gathered her things.

“Have fun!” “Remember to smile!” “Just be yourself!” Her sisters said, all on top of one another.

“I’ll text you guys later. Love you,” Lexa said, pressing the end call button on her dashboard.

Lexa gripped her steering wheel and took one final calming breath before stepping out of her car. She had this; everything was going to be fine. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

-----

Lexa wasn’t sure why, but the second she found Clarke on the patio of the café all her confidence left her body. She was happy to be in the blonde’s presence, but her subconscious was telling her to fix her hair and that there was something stuck in her teeth even though she brushed them twice before leaving her apartment.

Clarke was looking beautiful, however, and she was trying to engage in a conversation with her, so Lexa did her best to subdue her paranoia and focus her attention on Clarke. That’s why she was here after all.

“Where’d you find this place?” Lexa decided to ask, realizing that she’d never been to the small beachfront café. It was bustling inside with the late afternoon rush, however outside was a lot more serene with its water views and warm lighting.

“This is my secret hiding spot,” Clarke revealed, smiling cheekily as she sipped from her mug. Lexa only now realized that there was a mug in front of her as well, indicating that Clarke already ordered her something. “I hope you don’t mind,” Clarke began, having caught Lexa’s gaze. “I needed you to experience this place the same way I did the first time.”

“It smells good,” Lexa hummed as she held the mug to her face. It was chocolatey, with a hint of coffee. Nothing overpowering but subtle enough to soothe your soul. Lexa was grateful for the break in caffeine. God knows it runs in her veins with the amount she drinks. “You still didn’t answer my question though,” Lexa said before taking a small sip.

“My dad took me here when I turned twelve,” Clarke said, drumming her fingers on the table before deciding to elaborate. “I kept insisting that being twelve meant I was old enough to have my first coffee. My mom was at her wits end so my dad took me here and ordered me this drink. It has a bit of coffee, which was enough to shut me up, and it sort of became our thing.”

“Do you still come here with him?” Lexa asked, noting the way a glaze came over Clarke’s eyes as she looked out to the water.

“No, not anymore,” the blonde said, a little softer than before. She was quiet for a beat before smiling and looking back to Lexa. “So, what do you think?”

“It’s delicious,” Lexa said, returning the smile. “You look beautiful by the way.”

“Thank you,” Clarke whispered, an obvious blush overcoming her. That reaction definitely helped return some confidence to Lexa’s body.

-----

“How’s the pizza?” Ontari asked as she watched Madi eat her second slice on the couch. The little one was dirtied with pizza sauce, but Ontari wasn’t bothered so long as Madi was happy.

“So good!” Madi enthused mid-chew, making Ontari laugh.

“Don’t choke, okay? I can’t lose you to a slice of pizza,” Ontari warned, making Madi giggle and nod in agreement.

“Don’t you want any pizza, Tari?” Madi asked, pointing to the box that had six remaining slices. As far as Ontari was concerned, that was potential meals for herself or Madi should Clarke start withholding meals. She just had to put it in a ziplock and hide it in the freezer. It would last a few months at best.

“I’m not too hungry,” Ontari lied, offering a smile as she messed up Madi’s hair.

“Tari!” Madi whined, reaching up to fix the disheveled hair with dirty fingers.

“No way, Mads,” Ontari said, grabbing her sister’s wrist. “A bath is not something I intend to add on our list of things to do tonight,” she explained as she brushed her own fingers through the six-year-old’s hair, making her smile contently.

“Can you draw me?” Madi asked after watching the TV for a moment. Ontari had put on some Disney movie in hopes of keeping her sister entertained, but her short attention span was particularly obvious tonight.

“Sure,” Ontari said, shrugging as she got off the couch and went to grab her sketch pad. It’d been a while since Madi had asked for a drawing of herself. They never had access to cameras so taking pictures of themselves wasn’t really an option. But Ontari didn’t want Madi to forget how she looked as a child so she crafted her skill enough to make decent sketches. Every few months she’d sketch Madi, per her request, just to show the girl how she’d changed over a span of time.

The sisters sat together comfortably. Ontari propped up against the armrest of the couch as Madi laid curled up on the other side. Every so often the teen would request for the little one to look her way so she could get every last detail of her face.

Ontari liked these times, when the foster parents would leave and it could just be her and her little sister. They could be happy and enjoy the company of one another without the interference of the real world.

-----

“Alright, I have a real question for you,” Clarke said, fixing Lexa with a serious look that only made the woman laugh a bit more.

“Fire away,” the brunette said, resting back in her seat.

“Why did you accept a date from someone who’s kid is horrible to you?”

“I was pressured if you don’t recall,” Lexa teased, making the blonde laugh. “No, for real though, Ontari is not horrible to me.”

“Please, we’ve both sat in on those meetings. You’ve told me yourself some of the things she’s said to you.”

“She’s a different case though,” Lexa said, shrugging slightly. “Being a foster kid isn’t easy, even if you get a good placement.”

“I’m starting to question if I really am a good placement for her. She fights me on everything. Like I thought I was a bad teen, but Ontari is next level.”

“You’d be surprised. I think Ontari is much better behaved than I was. It didn’t help that my foster mom was the principal of the school.”

“You were a foster kid?” Clarke asked, seeming a bit surprised.

“Yeah. Indra’s my adoptive mom, actually,” Lexa said, making the blonde gape at her even more.

“How long were you in the system for?” Clarke asked, making Lexa pause for a minute to think it over.

“Eight years. My sister and I were taken from our bio mom when I was eight and she was six and we ended up in Indra’s care eight years later.”

“So that’s why you’re so patient with Ontari,” Clarke said, nodding in understanding.

“It’s hard to punish her when I know that she blames herself for a lot of what’s happening in her life. There’s also the added weight of having Madi around.”

“I never thought about it like that,” Clarke said, chewing her lip as she thought over Lexa’s words. “Like I’ve done my best to consider her past, I really have, but she fights me on everything while Madi seems so well adapted to living with me.”

“My sister, Luna, was a lot like that too. She was so content wherever we went while I was a defiant mess. I think it’s due to the fact that us older siblings feel the need to protect our younger siblings. I sheltered Luna from the abuse and neglect as much as possible, which is something that I feel Ontari does as well.”

“How do I show her that I want to be there for her, then? What did Indra do that made you finally trust her.”

“Well, a lot of my anger came from a place of jealousy. I thought she was privileged for getting to grow up with two parents and not have to bounce between homes her whole life. But after she was real with me, and told me about her life, I finally got a sense that she was a person too who has struggled and fought to get to where she was. She also never gave up on me. I could scream and hit and fight her all I wanted but she never once faltered in her promise to stay with me. She was the first foster parent to ever stick by me.”

-----

It was nearing 8pm when Ontari noticed Madi had fallen asleep on her side of the couch. The sketch was nearly complete, and despite her desire to show the younger girl the final product, Ontari knew Madi loved her sleep more than anything else, so she let her be.

Instead, Ontari opted to set her sketch pad aside and shuffle closer to her little sister. She adjusted the blanket that Madi had grabbed earlier and set the girl’s legs over her lap before grabbing the remote control. As the teen started to browse through Netflix for something that wasn't PG, she allowed herself to absentmindedly run her nails over own side, taking some solace in her self-soothing habit.

Her gentle scratching came to a halt when she grazed the slightly raised scar that marred the skin just under her left ribs.

Ontari gulped thickly and tried to take a steadying breath as she withdrew her hand. The events of almost seven months ago quickly shot through her mind.
A strangled sob attempted to leave Ontari’s mouth. She quickly abandoned Madi on the couch and ran to the upstairs bathroom where she promptly allowed herself to fall apart once the door was locked behind her.

Just as Ontari began to spiral into a panic attack, the memory hit her once again.

 

It was late afternoon, and Madi and Ontari were in the kitchen setting everything up for dinner. Their current foster parents expected dinners to be hot and ready by the time they arrived home from work, which was typically 7:30pm on the dot. The sisters had made a good system of getting things ready so they could sneak some food for themselves and be out of the way of Nia and Mark by the time they walked through the front door.

Ontari was in the midst of making dinner when a loud crash at the table startled her. She snapped her gaze around to see Madi practically shaking with a broken plate around her feet.

Ontari abandoned the wooden spoon in the sauce she was making and rushed to the little girl, carefully picking her up as to avoid injury before setting her on the countertop.

“I’m sorry,” Madi squeaked out, already taking in sharp breaths in anticipation for the consequences.

“It’s okay. They’re not home yet. I’ll take care of it,” Ontari promised, briefly checking the underside of Madi’s feet before leaving her at the counter and hurrying to grab a dustpan.

The teen swept the broken plate up and rushed outback to dispose of it in the trash in the shed, hoping that her foster parents didn’t notice the shards.

The two sisters resumed their preparations for dinner and left the room all set for Nia and Mark. Before quickly rushing Madi to their small room down the hall, Ontari made sure to fill up their small plastic take-out container with some food so they could share it later that night .

“Can’t we eat it now?” Madi asked. She was only five and had yet to grasp why it was so bad for her to eat whenever she wanted.

“Not until after lights out, Mads. Remember?” Ontari said, tucking the takeout container under the bed and crossing her fingers that the small portion would go unnoticed by Nia.

Nia was, if anything, the most anal person to walk the planet, and she was incredibly good at noticing when things were missing. Even food portions.
Madi and Ontari had managed to work through some homework before Nia’s shrill voice was calling for them to clean up the dinner dishes.

Like robots, the two girls returned to the kitchen to clear away their foster parents’ dishes and wash everything.

Nia hovered the whole time, making sure no spot was left unclean and that every drop of water was dried.

Ontari kept Madi close to her side, going between scrubbing dishes and making sure that the things Madi dried came out perfect before allowing her to set them aside.

It was as the last dish was put away that Nia spotted something.

“Go to the room,” Ontari whispered to Madi as she took the rag from the little girl and sent her off.

“There’s a missing plate,” Nia said, mainly to Mark who was sipping an espresso and ignoring the world around him. “Why is a plate missing?” Nia snapped at Ontari who jumped fiercely at her tone.

“I don’t know,” Ontari lied, her breaths escalating as she watched Nia’s face turn bright red.

“Don’t lie to me, little girl.”

“I swear- ow!” Ontari gasped as Nia clasped her arm and dug her nails into the flesh.

The older woman gave her little opportunity to speak. Much rather, she began to drag the young teen out back to the shed where she shoved her towards the trash bin.

“Open it,” the woman sneered. Ontari shakily obliged and lifted the lid. Most shards had fallen around the bags that piled up in the bin, but one piece, no larger than a finger, sat at the top, giving away her lie. “If you don’t know, then what is this?” Nia demanded, her anger bubbling further as she picked up the piece of broken plate and turned it towards Ontari who jumped back quickly.

“It was an accident,” Ontari said, already starting to cry. She was so scared and couldn’t help it. “I tripped on the rug in the kitchen and dropped it. I’m sorry. I’ll buy a new one.”

“You stupid, stupid girl!” Nia yelled, starting to push and kick at the smaller teen. One miss step sent Ontari backwards onto the ground. “You ungrateful, stupid child! No wonder nobody wants you.”

Ontari wasn’t sure what hurt more. The endless slaps and kicks, or the words leaving her foster mother’s mouth.

“I ought to teach you how to behave,” Nia yelled, blindly swiping the hand that still held to the shard of plate down onto Ontari. The piece of broken glass jabbed into Ontari and dragged along her left side.

The teen cried out and grasped at her now bleeding ribs. Nia took in a sharp breath of annoyance and chucked the piece of plate at the wall.

“Look what you made me do!” The woman screamed, stomping out of the shed and leaving a still sobbing Ontari on the floor.

The wound, from what Ontari could feel, was gaping and ragged. It would need stitches in any other case, but knowing Nia and Mark, they wouldn’t take her to the hospital.

As the young girl tried to think of a way to ease the pain and repair the wound, the shed door opened to reveal Mark.

“No-,” Ontari sobbed, starting to crawl backward and away from the man, despite the shooting pain in her side.

“Quit it, I ain’t gonna touch you,” Mark said past a cigarette. He knelt by Ontari’s side and pressed a knee down onto her legs, effectively holding her in place.

Ontari wasn’t sure if she was more panicked to be in this position with Mark or what he was about to do to her wound. At this point she’d allowed herself to go completely numb and let the man do whatever it is he came for.

A dousing of rubbing alcohol, and ten butterfly closures later, Ontari was deemed okay enough to survive.

“Tell anyone that this shit happened, and you and your sister will be locked up in this shed for good, got that?” Mark threatened.

Ontari was too far gone to even really respond. A weak nod was enough to suffice as the man gathered his things and left her alone again.

Thirty minutes later, once all the lights except for the master bedroom had gone off inside the house, Ontari gathered herself enough to re-entre the home and creep towards her shared room.

When she walked in, Madi was curled up in the closet where she knew to hide if Ontari sent her in on her own.

“Tari,” the little one squeaked, rushing to hug her around her waist. Ontari hissed at the jostle but carefully hugged her sister back.

“It’s okay. Everything’s okay.”

“Can I eat now?” Madi asked, clearly unable to see the state that Ontari was in as the lights were off in the room.

“Go ahead,” Ontari said, moving to change shirts and climb into bed.

Madi ate the food and tried to offer Ontari bites, only to have the older girl shake her head and gently push the hand away.

“You gotta eat too, Tari,” Madi insisted.

“Not tonight, Mads,” Ontari said, her emotions bubbling and tears rolling down her cheeks.

Madi didn’t say anything at the sight. Much rather, she left the food on the floor and climbed into bed with her sister and hugged her gently.

Ontari began to sob at the gesture. She sometimes wondered if anyone would ever be there for her and Madi the way they needed. Maybe it was time for her to stop hoping for a miracle to happen and just accept that in this life she couldn’t trust anyone but her little sister. It would save her more heartache than necessary.

 

Ontari didn’t realize how loud her sobs were, or how lost in thought she got. The light rapping of knuckles on the door got her attention and snapped her out of her gaze that was stuck on the scar that she looked at through her reflection in the mirror.

“Tari?” A little, tired voice called, making Ontari take a jagged breath in and wipe her face with her shirt before she rushed to put it back on.

“Yeah?” She called, hoping that her voice remained void of any emotion.

“Are you okay?” Madi asked.

Ontari splashed cold water on her face and began to dry it off as she opened the door.

“Yeah. I just had to wash my face,” the teen lied, looking down at Madi who twisted her lips side to side in uncertainty. “Let’s go finish that movie before Clarke gets back, yeah?” Ontari suggested before Madi could ask more questions.

Deep down she decided to never let her little sister see her fall apart like that again. Madi was too little to see that happen.

-----

“I can’t believe you convinced me to eat pie for dinner,” Clarke said as she split the last bite of pecan pie in half and motioned for Lexa to finish it with her.

“To wild for you?” Lexa asked past a laugh as she stabbed her piece with a fork.

“I needed someone to remind me that sugar for dinner is perfectly appropriate every once in a while.”

“Ahh, so you’re a healthy person,” Lexa teasingly accused, making Clarke shake her head.

“If it were up to me, I’d eat take out whenever possible. But the two mouths I feed at home require well-balanced diets.”

“Well, thank you for breaking your balanced diet to eat pie with me.”

“Thank you for being the bad influence,” Clarke returned, the two women smiling at one another for a beat. Their little bubble was broken by one of the baristas who stepped out to clear their plates and mugs.

“Can I get you ladies anything else? We’re about to close things up for the night,” the man said, making Lexa and Clarke break eye-contact.

“Is it already closing?” Clarke asked, slightly bewildered, as she grabbed her phone to check the time.

“I think we’re all good here. Thanks for everything,” Lexa said to the barista before handing him a twenty, enough to cover the cost of the pie and leave a tip. “Keep the change.”

“Thank you. You ladies have a lovely evening,” the man said before leaving them alone again.

“Lexa, you didn’t have to pay. I invited you on this date, remember?” Clarke said, just realizing that Lexa had handed the barista money.

“You got the drinks; it was the least I could do. Besides, I was the one that forced you to cheat on that balanced diet of yours and eat pie for dinner.”

Clarke laughed and grasped one of Lexa’s hands that was resting on the tabletop. “Thank you,” the blonde said, smiling at the brunette once again.

“Maybe next week you’ll let me take you out somewhere,” Lexa suggested, allowing herself to be bold for a minute.

“I’d like that,” Clarke said, doing her best to contain her giddiness.

“You really should get home to the girls, though.”

“Shit, right,” Clarke snapped back to reality, standing from the table while still holding Lexa’s hand. The two women gathered their things and headed for the patio exit. Lexa joined Clarke to her car, which was three down from her own.

“I’ll text you later, yeah?” Clarke asked as she pulled Lexa into a hug.

Lexa hummed her agreement and returned the hug before pulling back. The embrace made the ache in her chest re-appear. It was so reminiscent of Costia, but Lexa refused to let herself go there.

She forced herself to look at Clarke. To see Clarke. This was going to be different. She was going to let herself believe that this was going to be different.

Lexa gave the blonde’s hand a slight squeeze. “Have a nice night, Clarke.”

“You too, Lex.”

With that, the two went their separate ways.

Clarke drove off just as Lexa climbed into her car. The brunette grabbed her phone and subconsciously dialed the number she had memorized for almost ten years now.

The call rang, clicked, and then-

“Hi there, you’ve reached Costia Woods. Sorry I missed your call, I’m probably doing something really fun right now-,” Costia laughed, followed by Lexa’s muffled one. “Try again later.” *Beep*

Lexa sobbed as the sound ended and rested her head on her steering wheel.

“Cos,” she whispered, deciding that saying it out loud would only do more good than harm. “I met someone. She’s beautiful, and kind, and I see everything that I loved about you in her. I want this to work out with her- but I want you to know that I still love you. You were my everything, Cos. I’m not moving on. Just moving forward. Please remember that,” Lexa sniffled, before adding, “I love you.”

Lexa hung up and was prepared to start driving home when a call interrupted her. Indra’s contact popped up, making the brunette sigh out in relief that she wouldn’t have to deal with any of her sisters right now.

“Hi, mom,” Lexa said as she answered the phone.

“Hi, baby,” Indra greeted, her tone already set at the comforting level that Lexa knew was saved just for her.

“How did you know?” Lexa asked, jumping right to the chase and allowing for her tears to be more apparent in her voice.

“Moms just know when their babies need them. Tell me what’s wrong.”

So, Lexa talked, and Indra listened. And slowly but surely Lexa started to feel less guilty about her wonderful date with Clarke Griffin.

Notes:

wowza this was a long chapter! I covered a lot here, and I've started to clear some things up regarding both Lexa and Ontari's pasts.

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I'm really pleased with how this story is being received and can't wait to give you all more.

Please, feel free to let me know if there's anything you want to see in future chapters. Your ideas are always welcomed and can be a great help when I'm writing.

Until the next update :)

Character List / Info (updated as characters are introduced):

Clarke Griffin – 28 years old
Ontari Neva Norwood – 15 years old
Madi Flo Norwood – 6 years old

Lexa Woods – 30 years old
Luna Woods – 28 years old
Anya Woods – 32 years old
Lincoln Woods – 30 years old
Gaia Woods – 28 years old
Indra Woods - 58 years old

Raven Reyes – 28 years old
Octavia Blake – 28 years old

Abby Griffin – 55 years old

Chapter 7: the sun will rise

Notes:

"even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise" - victor hugo

Ontari woke up to the sound of whimpering coming from the bed next to her. She rubbed her tired eyes and sat up, looking to the left where Madi was tossing and turning in a fitful sleep.

“Hey, shh,” Ontari said, jumping from her bed and climbing onto Madi’s. She moved to wake the child from what was most likely a nightmare but froze when she touched her bare arms.

Madi was burning up, her skin sticky with night sweats and boiling with a fever.

“Mads. Open your eyes, baby,” Ontari said, her tone a bit urgent as she wanted to see what was making the little one so sick.

“Tari,” Madi mumbled, cracking her eyes open.

“Are you feeling okay?”

“My tummy,” Madi whined, trying to curl in on herself only to be stopped by Ontari.

“Do you need to use the toilet, or do you feel like throwing up?”

“Both,” Madi said as she started to cry.

“Okay, you’re okay. Let’s got to the bathroom, alright?” Ontari pulled Madi up by her armpits and hoisted the girl into her arms. “I’ve got you, Mads.”

The sisters moved their way out into the hallway, Ontari doing her best to keep quiet so then Clarke wouldn’t bother trying to help them. She crept towards the washroom and kicked the door shut behind her while she blindly found the light switch.

“I gonna throw up,” Madi whimpered, her cries growing more frantic. Ontari rushed to set the girl down by the toilet, doing so just in time for the six-year-old to throw up her dinner.

“Shh, get it out,” Ontari cooed, moving Madi’s shirt so she could rub her bareback.

“I want Clarke,” Madi cried loudly between gags, making Ontari cringe at the noise and the request.

“We don’t need her. Hey, shh, look you have me,” Ontari said, fighting back her own nausea at the growing smell in the washroom.

“Girls?” A voice called from the hallway, making Ontari groan and Madi cry in an effort to lead Clarke to where they were. “What’s going on in-,” Clarke faltered in her question as she walked into the washroom and found her foster daughters on the floor, answering her own question. “Hey, Madi, what’s wrong, baby?” Clarke asked, moving to the little one’s other side and sitting on the edge of the bathtub.

“I’ve got this. Go back to bed,” Ontari bitterly snapped.

“I can help,” Clarke said, her voice soft as she tied back Madi’s hair and reached for a small towel. She soaked it under some cold water before placing it over the back of Madi’s neck to start cooling the girl down. Recognizing the growing stench in the small space, the blonde reached over Madi to flush the toilet, effectively reducing some the smell.

“Ontari, can you go grab your sister a new set of pyjamas?” Clarke asked, using a new wet towel to wipe Madi’s face a bit before moving to remove the girl’s sweat-soaked top.

“No. I’m not leaving her,” Ontari refused.

“I won’t do anything to her, I promise,” Clarke said, moving to pull Madi’s bottoms off since stray vomit hit them as well.

“Stop!” Ontari yelled, startling Clarke and making Madi cry loudly and cover her ears.

“Ontari-."

“Don’t touch her,” Ontari demanded, pulling Madi into her arms despite her attempts to reach back for Clarke.

“I’m just trying to help,” Clarke said, trying to keep her tone even in hopes of not raising the girl’s anger.

“I don’t need you.”

“But what about Madi?” Clarke questioned, making the teen’s glare intensify. “I’ll go get the pyjamas then. Just take her pants off please. They don’t smell too great,” Clarke conceded, getting up and heading towards the girls’ room.

Ontari held Madi a bit closer once Clarke left them alone. Madi, having realized Clarke’s disappearance, began to whine and strain in the arms of her sister.

“Where’s Clarke?” Madi whimpered, pushing away from Ontari.

“We don’t need her, Mads,” Ontari said, reaching for the washcloth that was left of the tub edge so she could wipe Madi’s face once more.

“I want Clarke,” Madi said, using what little strength she had to lean away from Ontari’s attempts to wipe her face.

“Don’t say that,” Ontari demanded, her patience wearing thin.

“But-,” Madi began to say, her words quickly cut off by a gag and a constricted cough. Ontari had some sense to quickly turn her sister towards the toilet again, just in time for the little one to throw up.

The high tension and the overall discomfort had Madi in a fit of loud, guttural sobs. Her little hands were white-knuckled due to her grip on the toilet edge, and her face was a mess of snot and puke once more.

“Mama!” Madi cried loudly, making Ontari stand up quickly and Clarke rush back into the bathroom.

“Madi!” Ontari loudly scolded, though she was promptly ignored by Madi who saw Clarke at the doorway.

“Mama,” Madi choked out, reaching for the blonde who didn’t hesitate to return to her side.

“Don’t cry, baby. You’re okay,” Clarke cooed as she wiped Madi’s face clean and scooped her up into her arms. “Just relax for a minute. Take some deep breaths. Just like me, okay?” Clarke sat Madi on the edge of the tub and talked her through her slight hysteria, effectively getting the girl down to some hiccups and sniveling. It wasn’t going to last, however, as Ontari was practically seething at the sight.

“She isn’t your mom, Madi,” Ontari said, making Madi whimper and squeeze Clarke’s hand even tighter. “Our real mom is still alive! You know that!”

“Please don’t yell at her right now,” Clarke said as she stood up and gave the teen a warning glare.

“She’ll only hurt us, Madi!” Ontari continued, ignoring Clarke and getting closer to Madi’s face. “How many times do I have to tell you that?!”

“Hey!” Clarke finally snapped. She stepped between the sisters and gave Ontari a slight push back. “She is sick and scared right now. You have no right getting in her face like that.”

“Don’t tell me what to do!” Ontari yelled. She was getting angry now, and when that anger got out of control she snapped. She was hoping Clarke would have some sense to leave her be by now.

“Just go back to your room, okay? I’ve got this,” Clarke said, doing her best to control her own emotions.

“No! Fuck you for thinking you can just take my place like that. She’s not your fucking kid, you got that?”

“Ontari, you’re scaring Madi-,”

“She should be scared of getting close you! You’re no better than any of those other foster parents.”

“Enough. Go to your room,” Clarke instructed, trying her best to stand her ground. Ontari wasn’t done yet.

“You can’t tell me what to do!” Ontari yelled, her hand motions getting erratic at this point. “You’re not my mother! You’re not Madi’s mother! You’re no one to us!”

“Tari, stop!” Madi cried, hands still clamped over her ears as she watched from her place on the tub edge.

“This is all your fault,” Ontari continued yelling at Clarke, ignoring her sister’s requests.

“Please, just stop,” Clarke said, grabbing hold of one of the teen’s wrists. It wasn’t violent, but Ontari had no sense of what Clarke’s intentions were so she punched her. Hard.

“Don’t touch me!” Ontari snapped out, pulling her hand back and taking several steps backwards in case Clarke felt like returning the hit. The blonde was very dazed though and was stuck covering her cheek with one hand and raising her other in defense. If Ontari weren’t mistaken, Clarke almost seemed scared of her.

No foster parent has ever been scared of her before.

“Ontari,” Clarke began quietly, straightening herself up and revealing her very red cheek that was certainly going to bruise. “Just stop, okay? I can’t- you’re a threat to not only my safety right now, but Madi’s as well. I don’t want to do anything drastic tonight so just please go to your room, okay? Please.”

Ontari froze in place, her mind picking through Clarke’s words. She didn’t want to do anything drastic tonight, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to do something about it in the morning. And if Clarke saw her as a threat to Madi then there was nothing to stop her from filing a complaint with Simone and having them separated.

She could lose her sister all because she lost her temper.

“Madi needs to rest. Can you just,” Clarke’s voice cracked. She sounded like she wanted to cry but was fighting those tears back. “Please go to your room.”

Ontari glanced behind Clarke and saw Madi staring back at her with tear-streaked cheeks and fear in her blue eyes. She was scared of her too.

Unable to stand there any longer, Ontari turned away quickly and rushed back into her room. She shut and locked her door behind her, allowing her to crawl under her sheets and release a pent-up sob. She had barely cried in the last six months, and now, after the previous night and this recent event, Ontari was afraid she could never stop.

-----

Clarke could hear the teen sobbing as she walked past her door with Madi in her arms. She was tempted to try and fix things with the girl after getting Madi settled into her bed, but the stinging of her cheek reminded her why that would be a bad idea.

“Sleep with you,” Madi mumbled as she nuzzled her face into Clarke’s collarbone.

“Yeah, sweetheart. You get to sleep with me in the big cozy bed.”

“Mama cuddles?”

Clarke felt her throat tighten at that. It felt so right, but she knew it hurt Ontari enough to warrant a severe reaction. She didn’t want to encourage the new name, but she didn’t want to reject Madi.

“Yeah, baby. We’ll have some good cuddles, alright?”

Clarke got Madi situated in the middle of her bed and tucked her in before pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“I’ve got to grab a few things. Try to sleep, okay?”

Madi nodded and nuzzled into Clarke’s pillow, making a small smile grow on Clarke’s face.

The blonde left the room quietly and went about fetching a small bucket, a towel, and some bathroom cleaner from the laundry room. The bucket would be for Madi, but the other two were for her to clean the bathroom of any lingering vomit that missed the bowl.

In the ten minutes that it took Clarke to scrub the bathroom clean, she could hear the muffled crying of Ontari in the other room lessen and then eventually stop. For a brief moment, Clarke allowed herself to sit in the middle of the bathroom and just think.

Part of her felt like Ontari went too far, like this was the final straw needed for her to finally call Simone and have her taken. But then there was Madi. She knew that the six-year-old needed both of them, and having Ontari taken away, or the both of them sent to a new family, would do little to help Madi.

Clarke did her best to keep her emotions in check, but the tears that bubbled to the surface and then tumbled down her cheeks were impossible to control. Everything just seemed to get harder. Clarke was really struggling to find that silver-lining so many foster parents spoke of.

It was close to 4am, a full 45 minutes since everything transpired, when Clarke got a handle on her emotions and wiped any stray tears away. She returned the cleaning product and rag to the laundry room and washed her hands once more before situating herself in her bed. Madi, still fast asleep, seemed to sense her presence and shuffled in closer to the blonde.

For now, Clarke allowed herself to embrace Madi in her arms and attempt to sleep.

In the morning she knew some real big decisions had to be made. For now though, sleep seemed to be a good option.

-----

On Sunday mornings, Lexa woke up at 7am to watch Luna coach the 8am advance teen division hockey practice. She wasn’t sure when the habit started, but Lexa enjoyed seeing her little sister in her element and was easily entertained by the practices that transpired.

Today the girls were practicing, which meant more precision and tact was presented on the ice. The boys tended to be faster and enjoyed body-slamming one another more.

Lexa sat next to Luna on the cold bench as they both sipped on hot chocolate.

Between Luna's commands and critics to the players, Lexa told her about her date from the previous night.

“I was a complete mess after she left,” Lexa explained, using her fingernail to pick at the mug sleeve.

“Why?” Luna asked, her eyes still stuck on her players. Lexa knew her sister was listening. She had a knack for multi-tasking.

“I don’t kno-,”

“I know you know, Lex. Don’t lie,” Luna warned, giving her sister a playful glare before she squeezed her knee.

“I’m worried that Costia will feel like I’m forgetting about her.”

Luna’s eyes were now on Lexa. She had her full attention.

“Girls! Let’s do some speed drills,” Luna called out, knowing her players would sort themselves out and perform the repetitive drill. It would be enough to occupy them so she could help Lexa sort her problem out. “Lexa, Costia would never think that. You loved her so much, but that doesn’t mean that you can never love again.”

“You sound like, Anya,” Lexa laughed, before becoming somber again and chewing her lip. “After Clarke drove off yesterday I realized that it was the first time since Costia died that I didn’t feel an ache. I felt- I don’t know how to describe it-,”

“Numb?” Luna offered, to which Lexa shook her head.

“I felt full again. Like whatever part Costia took with her, Clarke managed to fill. I feel horrible for saying that,” Lexa said, shaking her head and internally berating herself for even thinking that someone could come close to how incredible Costia was.

“It’s been three years, Lex. I’m not saying that you should forget about it and move on, but I do think that if you find yourself feeling just as good as you did when Costia was alive, then you shouldn’t be upset about it. It just shows that you’re healing.”

Lexa nodded her head but remained silent. Luna took this opportunity to critique some of the players who were abusing the fact that their coach was distracted.

“I really like Clarke,” Lexa revealed, making Luna smile and give her a playful shove.

“Of course you do, stupid. Anya said you were practically drooling at her studio the other day.”

“I was not drooling,” Lexa groaned. “But if you saw her, you wouldn’t blame me.”

“I have no doubt I’ll be meeting her at thanksgiving,” Luna said, laughing to herself at the thought. “Remember when you were embarrassed to bring girls home?” Luna teased, both sisters now laughing at the few memories.

“I love dad, but he says the lamest things sometimes.”

“At least we got a good one,” Luna reminded, making Lexa nod her agreement.

“It took us a while, but we got lucky with our lot.”

“I wouldn’t trade you six in for the world,” Luna said, smiling softly at the thought of their large, and less than ordinary, family. “Speaking of family, Linc wants us all over next weekend so mom and dad can meet his girlfriend.”

“Already? But they’ve been dating for less than a month,” Lexa said. “Boy he moves fast.”

“I guess he wants to see if she can handle the Brady bunch. You have those embarrassing photos still, right?”

“Always,” Lexa promised, giving her phone a little wiggle. It was then that she realized she had an unread message on her screen.

Sliding it open, Lexa read the short message from Clarke.

Clarke: Sorry if this is weird but I don’t know who else to talk to. Can I call you?

Lexa couldn’t help the weird drop she felt in her stomach along with the sudden palpitations she felt in her heart. She was worried about what Clarke had to say, but she also wanted to speak over the phone, which was exciting. It was all too confusing for Lexa, especially since it was barely 9am.

“I have to make a call real quick.”

“That’s fine. I’m going to finish up with these girls,” Luna said, waving her sister off as Lexa hurried out of the rink and towards the lobby.

She pressed on Clarke’s contact and waited for the other woman to pick up.

-----

Clarke only slept an extra hour before she was up at 5am. She continued to lay in bed, primarily due to Madi who was halfway on top of her and a complete dead weight.

She contemplated who to call when the time became more appropriate.

Her mom would be a good choice if she wanted to be lectured once again about how raising two girls who aren’t even her’s would be easier if she had a partner. Add to the fact that Abby would completely lose her shit if she heard that Ontari punched her, Clarke was quick to remove her mom from the list of options to avoid any further trouble.

Octavia was another choice. She was her best friend since childhood and always supported Clarke in every way. But conversations about Ontari were typically strained and awkward since Ontari, being her delightful self, insulted Octavia two months ago for no reason. Octavia carried herself well in the presence of the teen, even after being called a cunt with a complex, but she had very little patience for anything that Ontari did that seemed to upset Clarke. So, she was also off the table.

Raven was away at a high-tech engineer seminar in Germany for another week, and the time-zones were enough to make Clarke also remove her as an option. Though Raven, for all intents and purposes, seemed to be the most supportive of Clarke on her foster parent journey.

With her closest family and friends off the table, Clarke racked her mind for who else could help her sort this out.

And then it hit her. Lexa was a foster child at one point. Her perspective would do wonders to help Clarke fix things.

But they had only gone on one date. And while Lexa was open about her past, Clarke wasn’t sure if that warranted more prodding. She didn’t want to overstep and scare Lexa off, but she also didn’t want to misstep and make things fall apart for both Madi and Ontari.

Deciding that the safety and comfort of her foster children came before a potential love life, Clarke sent out a text to Lexa after 8am in hopes that she would see it when she woke up and call her.

Around 8:45, Clarke’s phone began to vibrate. She carefully slipped out from under Madi and left the child to sleep. She hurried downstairs to her small studio in the garage and answered the call, doing her best to steady her breathing.

“Lexa,” she said, a small smile coming to her face despite the nature of the call. “Thanks for calling me.”

“Of course. Is everything okay?” Lexa asked, her voice coated with concern. It warmed Clarke’s heart.

“Yes- no- It’s all sort of a mess,” Clarke revealed, plopping herself down onto her stool that was set up in front of an empty easel. “I need some kid advice, as weird as that sounds.”

“I don’t have kids, but I was one before so I guess I can help you.”

Clarke laughed with Lexa at the playful comment before she puffed out an unsure breath of air.

“Ontari and I got into a fight last night. Madi got sick and was throwing up, completely freaking out, you know, the works,”

Lexa hummed her agreement.

“And Ontari was refusing to let me help. I tried to keep my cool because she’s always so quick to escalate and it scares Madi when we argue. But then Madi called me ‘mama.’”

“Aww,” Lexa said, breaking the seriousness of the moment. “Were you okay with that?”

“I haven’t fully wrapped my mind around it. I didn’t even get a chance to process it really, because Ontari snapped. She was screaming at Madi and I had to separate them because she looked absolutely ready to explode. And then Ontari punched me.”

“Excuse me?” Lexa asked, seemingly snapping back to the reality that this wasn’t a cute call to tell her that Madi called her ‘mama’.

“I think I grabbed her arm to try to calm her down, but she got scared so she punched me.”

“Holy shit. Are you okay?” Lexa asked, voice full of concern again.

“I’m fine. I think it bruised a bit. I just don’t know how to handle this situation. I can’t send them back into the system over this, but I also can’t have them separated. I was hoping that you would have a better sense of what to do since you were in the foster system.”

Lexa puffed out an unsure breath on her end. “That’s a hard one, Clarke.”

“I know.”

“What did Ontari do after she hit you?”

“She went to her room to cry. Like really cry. I’ve never heard her like that.”

“Do you think she felt guilty?” Lexa pressed.

“I think she felt a lot of things. I would bet she felt mostly scared, though. Something tells me that she lost control of herself for just a second and now she feels like she fucked everything up,” Clarke said, absentmindedly reaching for a blank canvas to prop up on the easel. Sometimes starting a painting helped her work out problems, so she thought that it wouldn’t hurt to try in case Lexa came up with nothing.

“Do you feel safe with her in the house?”

“Sort of. For now. I don’t think she’ll lash out like that for a while. She’ll probably wait long enough for this incident to blow over before she gets comfortable enough again to blow up. I’m just worried that someday Madi could end up in that cross-fire.”

“The foster system has a great knack of teaching kids how to express themselves through aggression,” Lexa said, pausing for a beat before adding, “Anya had that problem. Not to shine any bad light on one of your buyers, but my mom would tell me about Anya when she first got placed with them. She was around ten and would have these awful fits. She would get so aggressive and angry and then she’d hit anything in sight. Sometimes my mom, sometimes my dad. She once even hit Gaia who was only five at the time.”

“Was this before she was adopted?” Clarke asked as she drew the outline of her new piece.

“Yup. Anya is still surprised sometimes that they kept her after she hit Gaia. It’s one thing to hit a foster parent; it’s another to hit their biological child.”

“So, what did they do? How did they help her?”

“They tried therapy, but that really only seemed to fuel Anya’s anger more. And then they tried a contact sport – soccer – but Anya seemed more set on abusing her teammates. And then they tried hockey.”

“Hockey?” Clarke asked, almost dumbfounded.

“Y’know, with the puck and stick?” Lexa asked sarcastically, making Clarke laugh.

“I know what hockey is. But why that sport?”

“It’s amazing the difference some heavy-duty padding and unstable ice-skates can do for an aggressive kid,” Lexa explained. “Anya and the other players were protected, and suddenly she had an outlet. After that, Anya became a lot calmer; she was able to go to therapy and actually work out her emotions, and she never hit my parents or Gaia again.”

“They make it seem so easy,” Clarke groaned, making Lexa laugh.

“It was far from easy. They had to work with her for over eight months before they finally found a way to help her cope with her trauma. But when they did, Anya was so grateful. They changed her life in a way that no one else could.”

“What if I can’t change Ontari’s life?” Clarke asked, feeling a wave of sadness wash over her.

“Only you can truly decide when enough is enough. But if deep down you think that you have a bit of fight left in you to help push Ontari in the right direction, then I think now would be a great time to use it.”

“So, I should talk to her about getting into a sport?” Clarke asked, hoping she got the right message from Lexa. “Because she’s attending group therapy at the moment but she’s far from pleased about it.”

“It wouldn’t hurt to try. After my parents found out hockey worked for Anya, they used it for the rest of us as we came into their lives. Luna’s even a coach now; that’s how impactful it was.”

“I take it you weren’t so swayed by the sport.”

“I could go without wearing an obscene amount of padded layers. But speaking of Luna, she does coach a beginner’s teen league. If you talk to Ontari and she shows some interest I can give you Luna’s info so you can work that all out.”

“Really? That would be amazing,” Clarke enthused, finally feeling like she had a grasp on the situation. “You cannot begin to even understand how helpful you’ve been. I called you feeling completely helpless and now I have a bit of hope restored that I can handle this.”

“Hey, I was just telling you about my sister’s ten-year-old tantrums. You allowed yourself to give Ontari another chance. That’s incredibly kind and good of you.”

“I’m sorry if me calling you was weird. I just felt like you would know the right thing to say.”

“I’m glad to know that you already think that way of me. By the way, I had a great time with you yesterday.”

“Me too,” Clarke hummed, a dumb smile growing on her face.

“What do you say to another date on Friday?” Lexa proposed, making Clarke blush fiercely.

“I’ll have to work everything out over here and make sure that Madi and Ontari are settled after what happened last night, but I would definitely love that.”

“Perfect. Just let me know if it works for you and I’ll set everything up. I guess I’ll see you at the drop-off zone tomorrow morning?”

Clarke laughed at the reminder. “Of course. Thanks again, Lexa.”

“Anytime,” the brunette said. “Bye, Clarke.”

“Bye, Lexa.”

With that Clarke hung up her phone and sat back on her stool, taking a breath. She felt like it was much easier to breathe now that she had a plan set in place on how to deal with the situation. Add to that, Lexa’s charm and her potential date on Friday, Clarke had a feeling that her Sunday morning completely turned right side up.

Setting her pencil down in front of the easel, Clarke left her new project and went upstairs to start making some pancakes.

Starting today, she was going to put her best foot forward with Ontari and see if they could start again.

Notes:

well this was an intense chapter, wasn't it? i promise, you will find out how Clarke and Ontari move forward from this in the next chapter.

thanks for all of the continuous support! I love receiving all of your feedback.

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 8: wait and ache

Notes:

"i wait and ache. i think i have been healing" - sylvia plath

Ontari knew she fucked up.

She hit a foster parent, one that she didn’t really get along with as it is, which was basically a guarantee that she’d be in a new foster home by the following night.

After crying herself to sleep, Ontari woke up Sunday morning to the smell of pancakes and the sound of laughter from her sister and Clarke. For a second she couldn’t help but wonder if she’d dreamt about the whole incident from the previous night.

When it occurred to her that it wasn’t a dream, Ontari made up her mind that she wasn’t going to leave her room until Simone came to collect her. She quietly packed her bag, avoiding any creaking floorboards that could tell Clarke from downstairs that she was awake.

Ontari set her packed duffle by the door and sat on her now made bed, her sketchpad opened on her lap as she drew all of the ugly things she felt eating away at her insides.

Hours passed as she sat alone in her room. She could hear Madi and Clarke go about their day, sounding almost normal aside from Madi being less excitable due to her flu. Several Disney movies could be heard starting and ending from the master bedroom after lunchtime, a sign that the two had hunkered down for a movie watching spree.

Ontari began to wonder how cruel Clarke could be for making Madi believe that they were staying with her still. She was waiting for the blonde to break the news to the little girl and for her cries to echo through the house.

Nothing.

Ontari managed to draw until her hand was cramping, and read an entire book before she realized that the sun had gone down outside and the day had come to an end.

No Simone.

Maybe Clarke was waiting to do it when Ontari left the room.

Around 1am, when Ontari was sure both Clarke and Madi were asleep, and when her hunger got the best of her, the teen snuck out of her room and crept down to the kitchen. She riffled through cabinets and eventually scrounged up a small stash of dry foods that would last her a few days in case Clarke decided to stop feeding her.

She grabbed a few bottles of water as well and then returned to her room, where she ate a handful of peanuts and chugged two of her waters.

The teen fell asleep, once again worrying about what tomorrow had in store for her.

-----

Clarke got up on Monday to find that Madi was still running a slight fever. She had kept her food down yesterday, but had some diarrhea and nausea, which Clarke knew would be a big no-no to send a child to school with.

She also knew that Ontari was unlikely to be in the mood to attend class after hiding in her room the whole day without eating anything.

Deciding to let the girls sleep in, Clarke went about doing some of the household chores before she stepped into the shower.

While under the stream of hot water, Clarke didn’t hear Ontari leave her room, nor did she hear the front door opening and closing.

In fact, Clarke was oblivious to Ontari’s disappearance for a good hour before her phone rang with the school ID.

The blonde answered, already prepared to hear the secretary inquire about the girls’ whereabouts.

“Clarke Griffin,” Clarke said, as she multi-tasked and checked Madi’s temperature while the child continued to sleep.

“Hi Ms. Griffin. It’s Susan from the office. I just wanted to see if Madi would be coming to school today.”

“No, she’s caught a bug. Her and Ontari will both be staying home today,” Clarke explained, cringing at the flashing numbers of 101. She seemed to be getting warmer.

“Hmm, looks like Ontari is in class today,” Susan said, gaining Clarke’s full attention. “She was marked as late in her math class this morning.”

Clarke rushed to the girls’ room and opened the door to see the beds made and Ontari missing.

“My mistake,” Clarke lied, not wanting to raise any suspicion or make Susan question her as a parent. “Ontari told me she had to go to school today and decided to walk. I’ve just been pre-occupied with Madi.”

“It happens to the best of us. I hope Madi feels better and can return to school soon. Have a nice day, Ms. Griffin.”

“Yeah, you too,” Clarke said, hanging up her phone and looking around the room. She frowned when she noticed that half of the closet was missing Ontari’s clothing as well as some of the dresser drawers.

Trying her best not to panic, Clarke looked around the room in hopes of finding any sign that Ontari didn’t leave with the intention of never coming back. As her search became more frantic, Clarke felt her foot snag on something poking out from under the bed. She quickly knelt down and pulled out the fully packed duffle bag.

The blonde puffed out a breath of relief when she realized Ontari hadn’t run away, but then it dawned on her why the girl had everything put away.

Ontari was ready for Clarke to send her away.

Clarke couldn’t help the sadness that washed over her and the tears that flooded her eyes.

-----

Lexa was in the midst of monitoring her eight grade English class test when a text from Clarke arrived on her phone.

Clarke: Ontari went to school without telling me this morning. Can you do me a favour and keep an out for her?

Lexa looked around her room for a minute before texting the other woman back.

Lexa: Of course. Did you get a chance to talk to her yet?

Two minutes passed before Clarke responded.

Clarke: Not yet. She was holed up in her room all of yesterday. I don’t even think she’s had anything to eat since Saturday.

Lexa: I’ll keep an eye out for her. She’s in my next block. Hopefully she’ll let you talk to her when she gets home.

Clarke: Fingers crossed.

Lexa allowed their conversation to end at that, returning her attention to her students who were already sneaking glances at one another when they noticed she wasn’t looking at them.

“Eyes on your own papers, please,” Lexa warned.

-----

Ontari sluggishly walked to her last class of the day and plopped into her usual seat in the back corner.

While school offered the sweet relief of not being cornered by Clarke or taken away by Simone, it took an exhausting amount of effort to stay alert in class. She was running on nothing at this point as she’d opted to keep the food for later and only managed to drink some water from the school fountains.

Arriving at her English class, Ontari groaned when she realized that today was a test day and that she had fucked up and forgot to study.

Lexa went through her classic rendition of reminding the students not to cheat and to be creative before handing out the test papers.

Ontari automatically felt tears of frustration well in her eyes as she looked over the test before her. This was the last thing she needed after the last 36 hours she had.

When everyone was settled and immersed in their tests, Lexa approached her desk and crouched by her side.

Ontari did her best to bite back her tears and keep her leg from bouncing in apprehension. She really did not need another adult to push her over the edge emotionally.

“Come with me for a second, okay?” Lexa asked, leaving very little room for arguments.

Ontari stiffly got out of her seat and grabbed her bag, leaving the test behind.

Lexa gave a reminder of the integrity rule to her students before following Ontari out of the room.

“Today doesn’t seem like a great day for you,” Lexa started to explain to Ontari, who’s gaze was locked firmly on her shoes as to keep the tears at bay. “I’m pushing your test to Friday, and I’m taking you to the req room so you can relax, okay?”

Ontari was slightly baffled at the random act of kindness. Sure, she was tense and bouncing her legs like crazy when the test was being handed out, but she was shocked that her teacher would perceive that as a sign that she needed time to re-coup.

“Why?” Ontari croaked out, still doing a stellar job at not letting her tears fall. Never in front of adults, she reminded herself.

“Call it a hunch,” Lexa said, smiling kindly at Ontari. “C’mon, I even have something for you to eat.”

Not five minutes later, Lexa was leaving Ontari in the small req room with the lights off and two granola bars on the table beside her. She told Ontari that she was welcome to draw, read, sleep, or even take a walk in the schoolyard. All she asked was that Ontari didn’t leave the school grounds until the final bell of the day.

The teen was quick to agree, and when she was finally left alone, she ate the granola bars and curled up on one of the couches in the room, allowing herself to take a short nap before she had to go home and find a way to sneak past Clarke.

----

Clarke waited in the drop-off/pickup zone of the school, her fingers tapping her steering wheel unsurely as she waited for Ontari to exit the school.

The bell had rung two minutes ago, and kids were already filtering out of the school and towards parked cars, but there was no sign of Ontari anywhere. Just as her anxiety peaked, a set of knuckles were rapping on Clarke’s passenger window, causing the blonde to jump before she recognized Lexa.

Quickly, Clarke rolled down the window, allowing Lexa to lean against the door and smile at her. Clarke felt like she made a good call covering her bruise with makeup before she left the house.

“Hey,” Clarke breathed out, a smile also coming to her face.

“Hi,” Lexa happily returned. “Ontari is on her way out. I let her take a break in a quiet room while her classmates wrote a test. I also gave her some food. I hope that’s alright.”

“Thank you so much, Lexa. You’re amazing,” Clarke said, already feeling a little less guilty about Ontari running away to school. At least she could count on Lexa to help Ontari out.

“It was no problem. She’s going to have to write her test on Friday, but she’s smart. I’m sure she’ll do fine.”

“Hi, Ms. Woods,” Madi’s little voice croaked from the back. She was still dressed in her pyjamas and was clutching to her gorilla instead of her book, making her seem much younger than six.

“Hey, sweetie. Your mom told me you were sick,” Lexa said, neither women paying much mind about how she called Clarke Madi’s ‘mom’ instead of ‘foster mom.’ “How’re you feeling?”

“Icky. But Clarke gave me lots of cuddles and let me watch movies all day,” Madi said past a stuffy nose.

“She’s been going between names all day,” Clarke explained to Lexa, addressing Madi’s decision to call her ‘Clarke.’

“Lucky girl,” Lexa said to Madi, giving her a wink. “I would love to stay home and watch movies all day too.”

“It’s lots’o’fun,” Madi said, nodding her head.

“Well, I hope you feel better soon so you can come show me what book your reading.”

“M’kay,” Madi tiredly agreed before returning her attention to her gorilla.

Lexa looked behind herself and then back to Clarke to see if Ontari had found her way outside yet. “So, I talked to Luna and she said that the first practice for her beginner girls starts on Friday at 4. I know you haven’t spoken to Ontari yet, but if she’s interested Luna said she has some spots left and will gladly take her in.”

“That’s so nice of her. Thank you, and tell her I said thanks as well. I’m going to talk to Ontari about it today and I’ll call Luna no later than tomorrow.”

“Speaking off, I can see Ontari coming out now. I’ll send her your way,” Lexa said, starting to stand up straight. “Bye you two,” Lexa said, waving the two people in the car goodbye before she hurried to Ontari who looked ready to walk away from the school.

From the distance, Clarke could see Lexa point Ontari in the direction of the car. The poor teen’s face went from shock, to fear, to her regular scowl. It occurred to Clarke that Ontari could always bolt, but it was a pleasant surprise when the teen didn’t fight Lexa and walked over to the car.

“Hi, Tari!” Madi greeted when her sister opened the door to the backseat and took a seat next to her.

“How was school?” Clarke asked, keeping her tone kind as to not anger Ontari.

Ontari didn’t respond. Much rather, she turned in her seat and looked out the window, a clear sign she was tuning out her foster mom and sister.

“Okay then,” Clarke sighed, starting the car and pulling away from the school.

-----

Ontari did her best to think of a way to get away from Clarke the minute they got home, but it proved to be difficult as she had Madi cling to her all the way into the house.

Once Ontari managed to set Madi down in the living room, the teen turned to rush up the stairs, but Clarke spoke up and stopped her in her tracks.

“Ontari, can we please talk for a minute?”

Ontari remained silent but complied with Clarke’s request. She approached the blonde who had taken a seat on one of the barstools at the kitchen island, but kept a good five feet away incase Clarke snapped and reached for her.

“What happened two days ago was inappropriate, but I think you know that,” Clarke began, to which Ontari remained silent. She was waiting for the explosion, or the mean words, or the threats to come flying at her. “I don’t want to make any hasty decisions, especially since we have Madi to think about.”

Ontari glanced at the living room where Madi had returned to a set of legos and her movie. At least Clarke was looking out for her best interest.

“I think it would be best if we came up with a plan to manage some of your anger.”

Ontari couldn’t help her scowl, nor could she help the feeling of anger that flooded her. She felt herself growing defensive but knew better than to react.

“I’m going to talk to Simone about getting you into some private therapy instead of group therapy. I also talked to a friend who has a sister that coach’s hockey. Maybe it would help if you had an outlet to release some of that anger.”

“I’ve never played hockey,” Ontari managed to say, her voice quieter than normal.

“That’s okay. It’s a beginner’s league. She’ll teach you how to play. Besides, Madi mentioned that you know how to skate, so you already have that covered. But I don’t want to make these decisions for you. I need you to communicate with me and tell me if these are things you want.”

Ontari stayed silent again, allowing herself to mull over the options laid out for her.

She could say no, but deep down she knew that by doing that she’d be reducing Clarke’s options and would basically be asking to be put back into the system. Therapy, in general, didn’t appeal to Ontari at all, but she knew that by accepting hockey, she’d also have to accept the conditions that Clarke put around it (therapy included). But the thought of playing a sport was appealing to the teen.

Before being taken from her mom, Ontari took free skating lessons at their local community center and had become quite good on the ice before she was put into the system. The prospect of getting back into a rink was undeniably appealing to Ontari.

Clarke waited patiently for Ontari to come to her own conclusion. She didn’t speak, she didn’t walk away, she just sat there patiently as Ontari chewed her inner cheek and looked at her feet.

“Okay,” Ontari finally agreed, making Clarke smile lightly. It was a breakthrough; a small one, but a breakthrough, nonetheless.

“Okay, good,” Clarke said, getting up from her seat. Ontari instinctively took a step back, but Clarke didn’t seem to notice or react. “So I’ll get everything arranged. Your first practice is going to be on Friday after school so we might have to go and get you some proper gear before that.”

Ontari nodded and shuffled backward slowly.

“You’re free to go,” Clarke reassured, allowing the teen to turn on her heel and head for the stairs again. Halfway up Ontari stopped and whispered out something that Clarke hardly caught.

“Thank you.”

And with that, the teen disappeared to her room once more.

-----

That night, Ontari joined Clarke and Madi for dinner, though she continued to hold her tongue and only really spoke if she felt like it was necessary.

Madi, despite being perkier in the day, was starting to crash, and as a consequence was throwing a fit against eating her dinner.

“Please, Madi. Just a few bites,” Clarke said, sliding Madi’s plate of toast closer to the scowling six-year-old.

“I don’t want,” Madi croaked out, tears of frustration welling in her eyes.

“Eating will help you get better sooner,” Clarke tried convincing, but she was only met with more head shaking.

Despite Clarke leaving Madi alone, the little one was clearly getting more irritated about having to sit at the table. To Clarke, Madi looked more like Ontari than ever before with her angry scowl and crossed arms.

“Ontari,” Clarke began, deciding to give Madi some space. “I got into contact with your new coach and she sent me a list of things we need to get for you before Friday. Maybe we can go get them on Wednesday?”

“Okay,” Ontari agreed, stabbing a piece of broccoli with her fork and staring at it for a few seconds before eating it. “I have some money-,”

“No way,” Clarke interrupted, shaking her head. “I’ve got it covered, okay? All I want is for you to give it a shot.”

Ontari nodded and ducked her head. If Clarke wasn’t mistaken, she could see a hint of a smile appear on the girl’s face before she hid it.

Ontari seemed prepared to say something back, but before she could Madi was angrily shoving her plate to the ground and standing up from the table.

Both Ontari and Clarke were jumping up when the plate crashed to the ground.

“I don’t want to eat!” Madi cried loudly as large tears fell down her cheeks.

“Madi,” Clarke sighed as Ontari quickly knelt down to pick up the broken shards of plate.

The whole situation was becoming more and more chaotic, and after the last incident, no one was quite sure how to handle everything.

“Madi, listen to me,” Clarke said as she crouched down and held both of Madi’s upper arms gently. “This behaviour is not okay. I know you don’t feel good, and I know you don’t want to eat, but talking works much better than yelling. Now, I need you to take a few deep breaths,” Clarke instructed, taking three deep breaths with her foster daughter before continuing, “Good girl. Can you please tell me what you need without yelling?”

“I wan-na sleep,” Madi hiccupped, using her sleeve to wipe her cheeks.

“That’s much better,” Clarke said, grabbing Madi’s tissue from the table and helping the girl clear her nose. “Why don’t you head upstairs, okay? I’ll help you get ready for bed in a minute.”

Madi nodded her agreement before heading for the stairs.

With one kid dealt with, Clarke turned her attention to Ontari who, for the first time ever, didn’t intervene when she tried to discipline Madi.

Ontari was grasping to shards of plate in an effort to disguise the aggressive shaking of her hands.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Clarke said, reaching for the teen’s hands. Before she could touch her, Ontari was quickly dropping the pieces of plate and shuffling away from Clarke. Her chest was heaving and if Clarke weren’t mistaken, the girl was having a panic attack. “Ontari, everything is okay. You and Madi are safe,” Clarke softly reassured.

“I- I just-,” Ontari stumbled through her words, still looking at the broken plate on the floor.

“Deep breathes, Ontari,” Clarke said, reaching for the teen once more. “C’mon, let me-,”

“No!” Ontari cried out, moving to cover herself with her arms. “Please, don’t,” the teen whimpered, fighting her tears as she scrambled to her feet.

“Ontari, you’re safe, okay? Why don’t you go to your room and take a breather?” Clarke suggested, to which the teen nodded and scurried away.

Now left alone in the kitchen, Clarke puffed out a stressed breath and tackled the clean up of the broken plate, and the dishes on the table.

Once the kitchen was re-organized, Clarke ventured her way upstairs to get Madi setup for bed.

Clarke walked into her room to find Ontari tucking Madi into the large bed and pressing a kiss to her forehead. The little one was dressed in her pyjamas, and Ontari was seemingly more composed than when Clarke last saw her.

“Thanks for doing that,” Clarke said softly, as to not spook either girl.

“She’s my sister,” Ontari mumbled as she adjusted Madi’s blanket. “She’s my responsibility.”

Notes:

do you see what i did there? ;) gotta love a good bellamy blake quote, right?

anywhoo, we had some resolution between Clarke and Ontari, which i hope you all like to see. a forewarning, this doesn't mean that angry Ontari is gone for good. we've got a lot of childhood trauma to work through, which means more angst is coming your way. for now, however, i'll give you a little bit of peace.

get ready for Monday, because i've got a bucketload of clexa coming your way.

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 9: i forget the rest

Notes:

"we were together. i forget the rest" - walt whitman

On Friday, Lexa decided to surprise Clarke at the rink with some hot chocolate and doughnuts. Despite their date plans falling through due to Ontari having her first practice, Lexa decided that she could still spend time with the blonde who was no doubt going to sit with the other parents to watch.

With her tray of cocoas and box of doughnuts at hand, Lexa walked into the chilled rink and waved to her sister who was standing by the baseboards and getting the girls onto the ice.

Turning her attention to the stands, Lexa found Clarke and Madi sitting at the top. Madi was deeply immersed in her book while Clarke was stuck staring at the ice with her knee bouncing in anticipation.

The English teacher maneuvered her way to the top of the stands, playfully nudging Clarke’s foot with her own to get the woman to snap out of her stupor.

“Sorry- Lexa,” the blonde said, her gaze going from shock to a big smile. “What’re you doing here?”

“Cocoa date part 2?” Lexa asked, raising the tray of drinks and offering her signature smirk.

“I couldn’t say no to that,” Clarke blushed, patting the spot next to her. Lexa sat and pulled a cocoa off of the tray. She leaned over Clarke slightly to get Madi’s attention.

“Madi, psst, how does a cocoa sound to go along with your book?”

Madi looked up and laughed giddily at the drink being handed over to her. “Thanks, Ms. Woods!” Madi said, taking the drink with both hands and blowing on it through the lid like Clarke instructed her to.

“Of course. And why don’t you call me Lexa when were not in school, yeah?”

“Lexa,” Madi said, nodding her head in agreement. “Just like mama calls you.”

Lexa smiled and nodded before sitting up straight again and looking to Clarke.

“Back to mama?” Lexa asked, handing the blonde her drink.

“Still a back and forth. It’s always Clarke in front of Ontari, though,” Clarke explained. “Thanks for the cocoa by the way.”

“My pleasure. I’ve got doughnuts too, but I’ll let you dictate if you know who gets one after her sugary drink.”

“We can space them out,” Clarke said, shuffling a bit closer to Lexa. Maybe to preserve heat, maybe to just be near her; Lexa wasn’t quite sure which reason it was, but she wasn’t going to complain about the proximity. “I was going to call you later about moving our date to Sunday, actually. Y’know, since I had to cancel on you today.”

“That sounds great,” Lexa agreed. “I hope you’ll still let me plan it and take you out, though.”

“If you insist,” Clarke said, giving Lexa a little nudge with her shoulder.

“Perfect. I’ll pick you up at your house at 6 then. Hey, look at Ontari go,” Lexa said, pointing to the ice where Ontari was speeding through the skating drills.

“Tari said she skated all the time with mommy,” Madi spoke up, swinging her legs back and forth.

“She’s amazing,” Clarke said, smiling at the sight of the teen getting into her element. Lexa couldn’t help but watch Clarke who was engrossed with Ontari. The blonde looked so proud, and Lexa was excited to get a chance to see this interaction.

-----

When the practice wrapped up, Clarke, Lexa, and Madi moved to wait outside of the locker rooms.

Madi and another kid were sharing doughnuts off to the side while Lexa and Clarke chatted.

“Hey,” Luna called out, waving to her sister. Clarke had her back to the coach, but the greeting made her turn around to see her foster daughter’s coach up-close for the first time. “Wait, I know you,” Luna said, stopping in her tracks.

Clarke broke out into a smile and laughed when Luna’s face clicked in her mind. “You’re the girl that Raven has been seeing recently.”

“Holy shit!” Luna said, pulling her phone out. “Raven hasn’t shut up about you and Octavia. I was wondering when I would actually meet you. I have to text her.”

“You can blame Raven for the lack of introduction. She’s been worried that we would scare you off,” Clarke explained, making the curly hair woman shake her head.

“What an idiot,” Luna snickered, sending off her text before sliding her phone into her pocket again. “She’s going to be disappointed when she reads that I met the both of you without her present.”

“You’ve met Octavia?” Clarke asked, furrowing her eyebrows and looking to Lexa who could only shrug.

“She’s dating my brother.”

“Wow. This is some twisted relationship tree,” Lexa said, starting to piece everything together in her mind.

“In hindsight, I should’ve connected it sooner. The names are too obvious,” Clarke said, shaking her head in amusement. “Well, it’s really nice to finally meet you.”

“You too,” Luna said. “Ontari did great today, by the way. She takes instruction extremely well.”

“I think you’re the first person to ever say that,” Clarke said, giving Lexa a knowing look.

“At school, we like to call her self-directing,” Lexa teased the blonde, making her roll her eyes.

“Mama, can we have more doughnuts?” Madi asked, walking into the conversation.

“I think one was enough, baby. We don’t want to spoil his or your dinner.”

“Okay. Can I play longer?”

“Five more minutes,” Clarke allowed, making the little girl turn and run back to her new friend.

“Are you expecting another hockey player in the family?” Luna asked as she watched Madi run around.

“Madi is more of a bookworm than an athlete. But if it ever interests her, I don’t see why not,” Clarke explained. “I can’t thank you both enough by the way. I’ve had Ontari for almost seven months and I’ve never seen her so content while doing something before.”

“Of course,” the sisters said at the same time.

“Tari!” Madi’s cheerful voice interrupted once again, all the women looking to the little girl who ran up to her sister.

Ontari kindly stroked Madi’s hair and listened as the six-year-old introduced her new friend.

“She reminds me of how Anya was with us,” Luna voiced, to which Lexa hummed her agreement.

“She’s good with Madi,” Clarke explained.

“You did a nice thing taking them in,” Luna mentioned. “Siblings don’t always get to stay together in the system, especially with an age gap like theirs.”

“Try explaining that to my mother. She still asks me why I’ve taken them in every time we talk.”

“Change can be hard for some people to accept. Give her time,” Lexa said as she kindly rubbed Clarke’s lower back. This didn’t go unnoticed to Luna who smirked and raised her eyebrows at Lexa.

When Ontari made her way over, Lexa withdrew her hand and shuffled just a bit away from Clarke.

“Hey, Ontari. You looked great out there,” Clarke said, making Ontari offer a very small smile.

“Thanks. What’re you doing here, Ms. Woods?” Ontari asked, turning her attention to her English teacher.

“Your coach happens to be my sister,” Lexa explained, pointing to Luna. “I come to watch her practices every so often.”

Clarke smiled gratefully at Lexa for keeping the real reason a secret.

“Well, I better get these two home for dinner,” Clarke said, deciding it would be a good time to leave before Madi mentioned the cocoa and doughnuts that Lexa supplied.

“I’ll see you on Monday for practice,” Luna said to Ontari who nodded with a slight smile.

“And I’ll see you before that for school,” Lexa added, making what little joy Ontari displayed on her face disappear.

“Don’t look too enthusiastic,” Clarke said to the teen as she approached the two sisters.

“I’m excited for school!” Madi said, making the adults laugh.

“Of course you are,” the blonde agreed, running a hand over her head before gently turning her towards the door. “Bye guys,” Clarke waved to the two women. Lexa gestured for Clarke to call her later, earning a nod and wink from the blonde.

When the family left the building, Luna gave Lexa a slight jab with her elbow.

“Shit, Lex. You didn’t tell us she was that hot.”

“Please don’t be a pig like Anya. Clarke is extremely beautiful, but her personality is even better.”

“Okay, but like, she’s hotttt.”

“I’m leaving now. Go take a cold shower or something,” Lexa said, walking away from her little sister who laughed and pulled out her phone. Lexa groaned when a message popped up in the family group chat.

Luna: Our Lexie Poo is dating a total babe.

Lincoln: I’m telling your girlfriend that you think Lexa’s girlfriend is hot.

Lexa: She’s not my girlfriend.

Gaia: I give it a week until it’s official.

Anya: I’ll put $5 on two weeks.

Lincoln: $10 on 10 days.

Luna: $5 it’ll be by the end of the weekend.

Indra: $25 from dad and me. We think it’ll happen in three weeks. Lexa has always been a bit slow.

Lexa: Mom! Really?

Anya: Lolllll. Poor dad is probably so confused rn.

Gustus: An, I’ve been confused since the day you added me to this group chat. But I won’t pass up a good gamble.

Lexa: I’ve never felt so foreign to this family.

Gaia: Well, you were adopted.

-----

On Sunday, Clarke decided to tell the girls that she was going on a date, though she kept who it was with as a secret still as to avoid trouble with Ontari.

Knowing that Ontari had a lot of homework to do by the next day, and not wanting Madi to get in her way, Clarke decided to call Raven who gladly agreed to babysit so long as Clarke made some chocolate chip cookies for her.

To her amusement, Raven showed up at her doorstep an hour before Lexa would arrive with the claim that she was going to help Clarke get ready.

Currently, Raven and Madi were sat on Clarke’s bed, the plate of cookies between them as they judged Clarke’s outfit selection; more like Raven made a comment and Madi echoed it.

“Why don’t you wear that cute little dress?” Raven suggested with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

“This isn’t a fancy date, Raven. She told me to dress in something casual.”

“A dress can be casual,” Raven argued, making Clarke laugh.

“Not one that barely passes your butt,” Clarke said, which made Madi giggle.

“What’s so funny, huh?” Raven asked, poking the six-year-old’s tummy and eliciting more giggles.

“Mama said butt,” Madi said, bursting into an even bigger fit.

“My goodness you’re going to be fun tonight, aren’t you? Got that tummy full of sugar and everything,” Raven said, tickling the girl for good measure before she returned her attention to Clarke who had dressed in some dark denim and a cream coloured corduroy jacket. “Well, it’s not a tight little dress, but it’s cute.”
Clarke took that as Raven’s approval and turned the lights off in her closet.

“She should be here soon. Thanks again for watching Madi for me, Ray,” Clarke said, going to help her friend stand up from the bed. Raven accepted the hand gratefully and clicked her prosthetic leg into the right position.

“Of course. Anything for my little Clarkey,” Raven said, teasingly pinching Clarke’s cheek.

Clarke batted off the hand and shifted past Raven to grab the plate of cookies off of the bed.

“Wait, I want more,” Madi said, reaching for another cookie.

“No way, little missy. You need to save room for a real dinner,” Clarke said, holding the plate higher than the grabby child.

“Common you gremlin,” Raven said, grabbing Madi under the armpits and hoisting her onto her hip. “We can finish them after dinner,” the older woman whispered before placing a finger over her lips. Madi giggled and copied Raven’s actions of placing a finger over her lips.

Clarke rolled her eyes and moved to leave her room, deciding to act like she didn’t hear anything.

When Clarke got downstairs, she found Ontari sitting on the single in the living room with her sketchpad propped up on her knees. The girl was in a deep concentration until the presence of three people snapped her out of it.

“I still don’t know why I need a babysitter,” Ontari grumbled as Clarke set the plate of cookies down on the counter and opened the oven to check on the lasagna she made for Raven and the girls.

“She’s not here to watch you, she’s here’s for Madi. I want you to concentrate on your homework tonight,” Clarke said, explaining Raven’s presence for what felt like the millionth time.

“I’ve been capable of managing both for years.”

“Ontari, please, not tonight,” Clarke pleaded. “I want to help you, and Raven wants to spend time with Madi. Just let us do this.”

Ontari glanced up at Clarke and blinked before looking back down at her sketch.

“Fine,” the teen gave in, making the tension in the room lighten up a bit.

“Thank you,” Clarke breathed out. “I should be home before 11. Eat dinner, listen to Raven, and everything should be fine.”

“Of course it’ll be,” Raven said, waving off Clarke’s worry. “Aunty Ray’s got this.”

“You’ll call me if-?”

“If anything blows up or catches fire,” Raven interrupts, nodding her head in Ontari’s direction to show what Clarke alluded to when telling her that earlier.

“You’re amazing, Raven. Thanks again,” Clarke hugged her friend before crouching beside Madi and pressing kisses all over her face.

“Clarke!” Madi whined, giggling past the playful goodbye.

“I’m going now. Be good for Raven, girls,” Clarke said, waving behind herself before she hurried out the door. In one of the visitor parking stalls, Clarke spotted Lexa leant against a small pick up truck.

Clarke could barely contain her excitement as she hurried towards her date who smiled at her approach. That damn smile always got Clarke blushing, but the woman couldn’t find herself minding all that much anymore.

-----

“So, how about that homework?” Raven asked as she plopped down onto the couch and began to flip through channels on the TV.

“I’ll get to it,” Ontari said, not bothering to look up at Raven.

“I get it; homework sucks.”

“Yup,” Ontari agreed, her jaw clenching slightly in both discomfort and distaste for the new person in the house. She’s met Raven before, but this would be the first time that she was alone with the woman without Clarke present.

It wasn’t that Ontari trusted Clarke to protect her – she didn’t trust anyone – but past foster parents who left her alone with their friends didn’t always turn out so great for her.

Absentmindedly, Ontari flipped a page in her sketchpad and began a new outline, once more allowing her subconscious to dictate what image would ease her worry.

“You any good at sketching?” Raven asked, attempting to strike up a conversation once more.

“Dunno,” Ontari shrugged.

“Can I-,”

“No,” Ontari coldly replied, knowing exactly what the woman was going to ask. She never let anyone look at her sketches; Madi was only able to see some of them. They were private and for her eyes only.

“My bad. I get it though. I never let people watch me work. It’s weird,” Raven said, doing her best to avoid any awkward spots with Ontari. She knew that when it happened to Octavia, she got lobbed some pretty mean insults.

“I’m going upstairs,” Ontari sighed, deciding that the unsettled feeling in her chest wasn’t going anywhere and that she preferred the privacy and safety of her room.

“Alright. Dinner should be done in 20 minutes.”

Ontari didn’t acknowledge Raven; she simply scurried up the stairs to the only place she knew she could hide.

-----

“You really had to outdo me, huh?” Clarke asked Lexa as they sat in the rear of Lincoln’s truck, which was now loaded with blankets and pillows, and looked out over a cliff to the ocean below.

“Please, there’s no way to outdo a coffee date like the one we had,” Lexa dismissed, shuffling closer to Clarke and allowing their hands to gravitate towards one another.

“It’s so pretty out here,” Clarke said, enjoying the view of the sun that was getting closer to the horizon.

“You should try jumping sometime.”

“Excuse me?” Clarke blanched.

“My dad took my siblings and me out here for our first cliff jump. It’s fucking high for a first time, but it’s so much fun,” Lexa said, an enthusiastic smile taking over her face.

“I’m going to pass. Heights and I don’t mesh too well.”

“I thought you’d be fearless, Griffin,” Lexa said, feigning shock before laughing. “You’re brave enough to galivant through Europe and raise two kids alone but cliff jumping scares you?”

“Yes, Lexa, because I have a little thing in me called self-preservation,” Clarke said, making Lexa laugh more.

“Bummer. I’ll just talk you into it later,” Lexa said with a wink. “For now, I think you’ll prefer some light dining and a view.”

The brunette reached in front of her and moved some blankets aside to pull out a flat thermal bag.

“Pizza, for the balanced diet,” Lexa explained as she pulled out the still-hot pizza box and handed it over to Clarke. “And water, because I actually do believe in proper hydration.”

“Holy shit, this smells amazing,” Clarke said as she opened the lid of the box.

“Just wait till you see what I brought for dessert.”

“You just keep coming with the surprises, don’t you?” Clarke asked, to which Lexa shrugged with a smirk.

“I like keeping you on your toes.”

If Clarke weren’t so nervous, she would have kissed Lexa on the spot. Maybe later, the blonde thought to herself as she ate some pizza and watched the sun glisten off the water with a beautiful woman beside her.

-----

Raven was pleasantly surprised by how smoothly things were going. Madi was a great listener and was extremely helpful. Raven didn’t even have to ask for help with setting the table, the six-year-old just did it on her own accord and without any complaint.

And Ontari, despite her warnings from Octavia, was comfortable with keeping to herself and not snapping unless provoked. Then again, Octavia did meet her when she was still getting adjusted to the new living arrangement; that would make anyone grouchy.

It was as they ate dinner that some of Ontari’s less than pleasant attitude start to unfold.

“Raven, are you and Clarke sisters like me and Tari?” Madi asked, dipping her piece of toast into some of the sauce that was oozing out of the lasagna.

“Not biologically,” Raven began to say. “But I lived with Clarke and her family through all of high school. So yeah, we like to think of ourselves as sisters.”

“Tari and I are sisters, ‘cept we have different daddies.”

“Madi,” Ontari hissed, glaring at Madi from across the table.

“It’s okay,” Raven reassured, not wanting the situation to escalate.

“What happened to your leg?” Madi asked next, deciding to move away from the conversation of biological families.

“Madi!” Ontari snapped, her tone much fiercer this time.

“Ontari, it’s alright,” Raven said, offering a kind smile to both kids. “I got hurt a few years ago and it got really infected. The doctors decided it would be better to take some of my leg off so then I could get better,” Raven explained, leaving out the bit where she got shot and faced potential paralysis as well as sepsis.

“Is that why you have a robot leg now?”

“Yup. I don’t have anything past my knee, so the prosthetic leg helps me get around.”

“Cool,” Madi said, her eyes wide with wonder. “Is there a scar?”

“Okay, that’s enough,” Ontari said, standing up and grabbing Madi from her seat.

“Wait, Ontari, she’s just curious. It’s really okay-,” Raven said, trying to intervene and stop Ontari from her attempts to pull Madi towards the stairs.

“Stop it!” Ontari yelled, making the room go silent. “Why does everyone think they can tell me how to handle Madi? I know what’s best for her, and I know what she can and can’t do. Not you; Not Clarke; Me!”

“Just let her finish eating,” Raven negotiated, glancing at Madi who was looking at her toast dejectedly.

“Fuck, whatever,” Ontari cursed, releasing Madi and storming towards the stairs.

“Ontari, you hardly ate anything!” Raven called out, noticing the barely touched plate.

“She doesn’t like to eat food that Clarke makes,” Madi said, her tone much less excited than before.

“Why?” Raven asked, not finding anything wrong with the food.

“She doesn’t want Clarke to make her sick like the other parents,” Madi said, not thinking much about what she just said.

Raven, however, was struck by the comment and plopped back into her seat. She mulled over a thought before leaning closer to Madi and speaking in a hushed voice.

“What else does Ontari not like?”

-----

Lexa cheered as she, once again, beat Clarke at a round of ‘go fish’.

“This is the dumbest card game,” Clarke groaned, tossing her hand into the pile that was going to be re-shuffled.

“Don’t be a sore loser,” Lexa teased as she gathered the cards in her hands. “It takes some time to get the hang of it.”

“Lexa, it’s ‘go fish.’ My dad taught me how to play when I was 6!”

“Oh,” Lexa said, doing her best not to laugh. “So, you just genuinely suck?”

Clarke flipped Lexa off but smiled at the jab.

“My dad did his best, but I guess I was never meant to be a ‘go fish’ champion,” Clarke said, accepting her fresh hand.

“You don’t talk about him much. What does he do?” Lexa asked, ignoring the game they were playing for a moment.

“He… umm, he was an engineer,” Clarke said, not looking up at Lexa.

“Is he retired?” Lexa asked, not entirely grasping the allusion Clarke presented.

“He died when I was 17.”

“Oh shit,” Lexa said, already kicking herself for being so block-headed. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s fine,” Clarke said, smiling weakly at Lexa. “According to Abby Griffin’s handbook, I should’ve been over it within a year anyways.”

A tear started to roll down Clarke’s cheek, which Lexa didn’t hesitate to wipe away with her thumb.

“I can now see why you don’t talk about her and her husband very often,” Lexa said, to which Clarke nodded. “Was that why you ran off to Europe?”

“Good job, detective Lexa,” Clarke said, smirking at her date. “It was barely a year after my dad died and my mom decided it was okay to start dating an old college friend. I was pissed and headed straight for the airport after my graduation ceremony without evening telling her.”

“Remind me again why you’re too scared to jump from a cliff?” Lexa asked, gaining a laugh from Clarke.

“I don’t even know why I came back sometimes. She hardly ever supports any of my decisions as is. If my dad were still alive, he would be so much better at helping me with the girls.”

“For what it’s worth. I’m glad you came back because it means I got to meet you,” Lexa said, giving Clarke’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“That’s a definite perk,” Clarke said, smiling at Lexa. “Let’s talk about something different. I don’t want to get all debbie downer on this amazing date,” Clarke said, looking out towards the setting sun. It was just about to disappear, making the sky a beautiful combination of orange, yellow, and pink.

“Want to play another round of ‘go fish’?” Lexa asked, to which Clarke shook her head.

“I want to do something that would piss off my mom.”

“Umm,” before Lexa could fully articulate a sentence, Clarke was climbing out of the bed of the truck and shimming out of her jacket.

“You’ve convinced me. Let’s jump.”

“Hold your horses, Griffin. I barely convinced you,” Lexa said, shuffling to the edge of the truck and letting her legs dangle out. Clarke continued to remove layers as she rationalized why she wanted to jump.

“You said it was fun.”

“Yes, but-,”

“And that your dad took you here with your siblings, so, therefore, it must be safe.”

“Okay, but-,”

“My mom would never let me step outside of my comfort zone. She always wanted me to play it safe. I’m only starting to realize that I’m stepping out of that boundary after my dad died and I won't let her stop that.”

“That’s great. But maybe baby steps first.”

“Like you said, Lex. I moved to Europe. I chose to raise two kids alone. So, what’s stopping me from jumping?”

“That whole self-preservation thing you were talking about,” Lexa reminded, doing her best not to check Clarke out. It was hard not to as the woman was down to her underwear and bra.

“Will I die?” Clarke asked.

“No. You might piss yourself, but you won’t die,” Lexa said, knowing very well that the water was deep enough and had no points that jutted out on the way down.

“Okay. Then I want to do it. But I refuse to go alone.”

“I don’t know if I need to remind you that it’s October. The water is cold.”

“And we have blankets,” Clarke reminded, stepping closer to Lexa and grasping her hand. “Please, Lexa. I want to do this.”

Lexa scrutinized Clarke’s face for a beat, doing her best to gouge if the woman was serious. Deciding that her pleading eyes were too hard to resist, Lexa agreed and began to strip out of her layers as well.

Once both women were down to their underclothes, they stood at the cliff edge and tangled their fingers together. To Lexa, the 30ft drop was another stupidly hot summer day spent with her family; but to Clarke, it was much more than that. This felt like she was crossing the threshold of her relationship with Lexa. Like she was letting go completely and allowing herself to fully open up to the other woman.

“We jump on three,” Lexa said, giving Clarke’s fingers a gentle squeeze.

The brunette counted.

One.

Two.

Three.

The two women stepped off and fell the 30 ft down to the water where they plunged into the gentle waves.

Hands still tangled together, they kicked to the surface.

Just as Lexa barely took in a breath of air, Clarke was pulling her in and pressing their lips together.

In the cold water, under the sky of warm orange, yellow, and pink, Clarke and Lexa shared their first kiss. And oh, what a wonderous first kiss it was.

Notes:

and we're back with another week of updates! here are some hints as to what's to come in the next two chapters this week: drama, angst, soft clexa, domestic clexa, and ontari (i do not need to expand on that).

things are really going to start picking up now and relationships are going to evolve a lot more quickly, but it has a nice flow (i promise).

thanks for reading and leaving your kudos and kind comments.

until the next update :)

val

Character List / Info (updated as characters are introduced):

Clarke Griffin – 28 years old
Ontari Neva Norwood – 15 years old
Madi Flo Norwood – 6 years old

Lexa Woods – 30 years old
Luna Woods – 28 years old
Anya Woods – 32 years old
Lincoln Woods – 30 years old
Gaia Woods – 28 years old
Indra Woods – 56-years-old
Gustus Woods – 59-years-old

Raven Reyes – 28 years old
Octavia Blake – 28 years old

Abby Griffin – 55 years old

Chapter 10: she felt like the moon

Notes:

"she could not make sense of the things that were meant for her, but she was drawn to it all. and when she was alone, she felt like the moon: terrified of the sky, but completely in love with the way it held the stars" - r.m. drake

Lexa dropped Clarke off at her doorstep at midnight, much later than either woman intended, but they couldn’t be blamed. It was incredibly easy to get lost in each other’s company.

With a gentle kiss and a promise to see her at Ontari’s practice the next day, Lexa went back to her brother’s truck and Clarke entered her home.

The blonde did her best to creep upstairs as quietly as possible, knowing very well both girls would be asleep by now.

To her pleasant surprise, Clarke found Raven sitting up in her bed with the book that Clarke had on her nightstand.

“How many times have I told you not to break curfew?” Raven teased, shutting the book and tossing it back onto the nightstand. “How was the date?”

“Amazing,” Clarke sighed, flopping onto the bed next to her friend and smiling giddily.

“Holy shit, I know that face! That’s your ‘I’ve been kissed’ face,” Raven accused, sitting up with excitement.

“I think I found the most incredible woman in the world, Ray. She’s… she’s everything good about this world.”

“My god, you’re hooked,” Raven said. “And wet?”

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows before remembering her still slightly dampened hair.

“We went cliff jumping,” Clarke said, shrugging about it casually despite how giddy it made her feel.

“You went cliff jumping?” Raven asked, not believing a word out of her friend’s mouth.

“It wasn’t intentional. We were talking and then I told her about dad and I guess I decided that I wanted to jump into the ocean to spite mom.”

“Why can’t you just go on a normal date like a normal person?” Raven asked as she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Like really, you just have to let your chaotic energy shine through?”

“Totally worth it,” Clarke said smugly, deciding that now would be a good time to change out of her clothes and into some pyjamas. “How were the girls?” Clarke changed subjects as she unclipped her bra and threw on a new shirt.

“Good. Ontari blew a fuse when Madi started asking me too many questions at dinner but I got it under control,” Raven explained, already moving to slide under the covers of the bed.

“And by under control you mean…”

“I convinced Ontari to not drag Madi to their room.”

Clarke nodded her head and went into the attached bathroom to wash her face.

“Sorry about that. She can be pretty intense when it comes to parenting Madi,” Clarke explained as she lathered face wash onto her cheeks.

“No kidding. But I avoided being on the tail end of any hurtful comments, so 1 point to Aunty Ray.”

Clarke laughed and finished up in the washroom before joining Raven in bed and shutting off the light.

“I should warn you though, I sort of convinced Madi to tell me some of the things that Ontari refuses to tell people.”

“Excuse me?” Clarke asked, sitting up in bed and looking to Raven with both shock and curiosity written all over her face.

“She said some passing comment about how Ontari doesn’t like to eat homemade food, and I decided to roll with it and find out any other useful information.”

“She doesn’t like to eat homemade food?” Clarke asked, shocked to be hearing this. It would explain the small amounts the teen ate as well as the incredible amount of snacks she had to restock in the pantry during her grocery shopping trips.

“Yeah, Madi said it was because former foster parents used to put stuff in the food to make them sick. I wasn’t entirely sure what she meant. Anyways, Madi told me that Ontari hates hearing too many noises so that’s why she listens to her music a lot; that she sometimes hides in the washroom to cry; and that yelling scares her – like a lot.”

Clarke struggled to wrap her mind around this new information. She felt a variation of emotion regarding what Raven said; guilt for keeping Ontari’s phone, and by default her music source, from her, concern regarding the crying in the washroom situation, and both fear and upset that all of their yelling matches were likely freaking the teen out more than it was satisfying her need to get in the last word.

“I’ve been fucking this whole thing up,” Clarke sighed, rubbing her hands over her face as she continued to process.

“How were you supposed to know any of this? That girl keeps everything so pent up all the time, it’s impossible for you to have known.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like she’s invisible. This has been happening under my roof. I didn’t connect why she hardly ate the food I made; I took her phone which means she can’t listen to her music; I ignored the amount of times she locked herself in the washroom; and I lost my temper on several occasions and yelled at her. I’m such a shitty foster mom.”

“No, don’t say that,” Raven said, sitting up so she can wrap Clarke in a hug. “You’re still learning about the girls. And you respected their privacy enough to not go behind their backs for information. I talked to Madi because I thought some more info about Ontari could make raising her a bit easier for you. Now that you know this stuff you can change some things up around here.”

“Ontari walks around here as though nothing can intimidate her. Do you think that deep down she’s been scared of me this whole time?” Clarke asked, chewing her lip in apprehension.

“I think that if you peel away some of that girl’s layers, you’ll come to find that deep down she’s still a kid who needs a parent to care for her. It’s just that she’s buried it so much that she doesn’t even recognize it herself.”

Clarke nodded. It would be hard, but Clarke knew she had to try her best to not only show Ontari that she cared but also encourage the girl to allow herself to be cared for.

-----

One month later…

Clarke and Lexa sat on their regular bench at the rink to watch Ontari’s practice. Today, Luna had the beginner team play a mock game with each other, and Ontari was racking in the goals.

This made for a proud coach, and an incredibly proud parent.

“She’s really improved,” Lexa said, having caught the tail-end of a slapshot from Ontari before returning to her braiding of Madi’s hair.

“Do you think Luna will move her up a level for the next season?”

“Probably sooner. I’ve seen her take beginner girls up a level before the real tournaments start. If Ontari keeps showing off like this I wouldn’t be surprised if Luna moves her.”

“That would make her so happy. She’s been so great these last few weeks,” Clarke enthused, cheering when Ontari stole the puck from the other side.

“I’ve noticed. She’s been a lot less tense at school,” Lexa observed, turning to smile at Clarke. “Whatever you’re doing is helping. Even my mom is impressed.”

“I’ve given her the space she needs but I’ve stopped indulging her constant need to pick a fight. It’s worked out surprisingly well,” Clarke explained, to which the brunette nodded.

Lexa tied off Madi’s intricate braid and loving stroked the back of her head.

“All done, babygirl. Why don’t you go play with your friends?” Lexa suggested, pointing to the group of younger kids that were chasing each other at the bottom of the benches.

“Is that okay, mama?” Madi asked, looking at Clarke who smiled and nodded.

“Of course, sweetheart. Just don’t go outside, okay?” Clarke asked, making her foster daughter nod in agreement. “What do you say to Lexa for braiding your hair?”

Madi got up and turned to Lexa, wrapping the older woman in a hug before pulling away.

“Thanks, Lexa,” Madi said, hurrying off with that.

Lexa laughed at the thanks and shuffled closer to Clarke. She wrapped her arm around the blonde, allowing Clarke to nuzzle closer to her side.

“I think I should tell them about us,” Clarke said, allowing herself to absentmindedly brush her fingers over Lexa’s hand. “Madi adores you and with Ontari improving so much I’m hoping she won’t freak out over me dating her English teacher.”

“You don’t have to rush to do anything you don’t want to,” Lexa said, pressing a gentle kiss to the crown of Clarke’s head. “But I would love it if you all came to the big thanksgiving dinner my parents throw; and to do that we’re going to have to come clean to the girls.”

“You really want us to come?” Clarke asked, sitting up and looking to Lexa with an excited grin.

“I do. Besides, Raven and Octavia are coming, and we’re inviting a few more close friends. If everyone gets to bring their person, then I want to bring mine.”

“I’m your person?” Clarke followed up, a blush rising to her cheeks.

“Only if you want me as yours.”

Clarke nodded and pressed a kiss to Lexa’s lips, allowing herself to get lost in the moment for a bit.

“I’ll talk to the kids tonight, and you can definitely count us in for thanksgiving.”

“Great,” Lexa said, placing one more kiss to Clarke’s lips for good measure. “You can invite Abby and Marcus as well. Y’know, extending an olive branch, and what not?”

“I’ll think about it,” Clarke said, despite already deciding that she wasn’t entirely prepared to bring her mom into the picture that she was finding so perfect at the moment.

-----

Clarke decided to treat the girls out to some Chinese food for dinner. After Raven brought Ontari’s eating habits to her attention, Clarke made an effort to find healthy yet delicious take out options to offer the girls a few times a week. It was working out well enough that Ontari was eating full dinners unlike before.

It was as they were finishing up that Clarke decided to tell her foster daughters about her and Lexa.

“Hey, girls, I need to talk to you about something,” Clarke said, making sure she got both girls’ attention before continuing. “So, as you know I’ve been seeing someone for the last month and a half.”

“Yeah,” Ontari dully agreed, prodding a piece of honey sesame chicken with a chopstick before deciding to eat it. “And?”

“I think it’ll be good for you to know who it is since we’re getting a bit more serious now. She’s even invited us to Thanksgiving dinner with her family.”

“Who is it?” Madi asked, using her fingers and a chopstick to pickup noodles.

“It’s Lexa,” Clarke said, pausing to gouge the reaction of the girls. Madi smiled instantly, knowing very well who Clarke was talking about. Ontari, however, took a minute to remind herself that Lexa and Ms. Woods was the same person.

If looks could kill, Clarke would be six feet under by the way Ontari glared at her.

“I know it might seem weird, but Lexa and I agreed to not let our relationship affect you-,”

“Is that why she moved my test to Friday last month?” Ontari interrupted, to which Clarke nodded.

“I asked her to look out for-,”

“And is she the reason why I’m playing hockey?”

“Yes, but only because I wanted-,”

“This is fucking ridiculous,” Ontari interrupted once more, slamming her chopsticks down onto the table and getting up. “I can’t believe you, Clarke!”

“Ontari, this really isn’t something I want you to get upset about,” Clarke said, doing her best to remain calm in the presence of the angry teen.

“I am upset! I’m fucking livid!”

“Please, not in front of Madi,” Clarke said, motioning to Madi who was already covering her ears.

“Screw it. It’s not like I get a say in anything anyways. Y’know what? Enjoy Thanksgiving with your new little family. I’m not going.” Ontari turned and started to head for the stairs, making Clarke stand up to go after her.

“Wait, Ontari. Just talk to me! What do you mean by 'new little family'? I want to understand.”

The two were now at the threshold of the girls’ room.

“Just- stop!” Ontari yelled, making Clarke stop in her tracks. “I don’t need you! I don’t fucking need you so leave me alone!”

Clarke recoiled at not only Ontari’s anger but the sadness welling in her eyes as well.

“Ontari,” Clarke sighed starting to reach forward. Before she could do anything, the door was slammed shut and they were divided once more.

Clarke sighed and rubbed the back of her neck, deciding whether it was her place to knock on the door or leave the teen alone.

Before she could decide, Madi was wrapping her arms around her from behind and nuzzling into her back.

“I love you, Clarke. And I love Lexa too,” Madi said, making tears of relief well in Clarke’s eyes. She turned in the child’s embrace and returned it tightly.

“Thanks, sweet girl. I love you too.”

Inside the room, Ontari sat on the corner of her bed, her heavy metal music blaring through her ears, as she did her best to calm herself down from her panic attack.

-----

Lexa hurried around her parents' house to help them prepare for the giant thanksgiving dinner.

Anya and Lincoln were busy setting the various sized tables that were combined to make one big one. Luna was charged with setting up the buffet/potluck table. And Lexa and Gaia were putting up the playful décor that their mom had grabbed from the dollar store earlier that week.

Indra and Gustus moved between their kids to help with the final preparations and to enjoy the fact that they got all five of them home for the first time in a while.

“Gutus, put the dogs outside,” Indra said, motioning to the two Old English Mastiffs that were sleeping on the couch.

“They’re fine,” Gutus waved off, to which Indra halted her current task just to glare at him.

“We’re going to have a six-year-old in this house very soon and I do not want the poor thing to have 200-pound dogs looming over her. They’ll be fine in the yard until things settle down in here.”

“Yes, dear,” Gustus sighed, making Lexa and Gaia snicker.

“Way to stand your ground, dad,” Gaia said, patting their dad’s back as he walked past them.

“Thanks for thinking about Madi, mom,” Lexa said, to which Indra nodded.

“I’m excited to have a little one at these dinners. You adults can be so boring.”

“The holidays really brings out the kindness it you, doesn’t it, mom?” Anya asked, having caught the tail end of the comment as she exited the dining room. “The table is all set up, by the way. All 19 settings.”

“I’m surprised we even had enough cutlery,” Lincoln commented as he followed Anya. “And chairs for that matter.”

“Thanks for the help, guys,” Indra said. “Now go get yourselves cleaned up. We have a party to throw.”

-----

Thirty minutes later the house was packed with almost all of their guests. Raven and Octavia were the first to arrive, much to the pleasure of their partners. Soon after, Murphy and Emori made their appearance with a large stack of pies and a plate of decorated cookies. Emori was quick to fit back in with the five Woods kids as she grew up just down the street from them and determined from an early age that she was their sixth sibling.

After that, Anya introduced her family to Niylah, a beautiful woman that she had been seeing without any of them knowing for the last three months (much to everyone’s surprise).

Bellamy and Echo arrived soon after, their invitation coming as an extension to Octavia’s as the woman refused to spend the holiday without her brother.

Just after Gutus got drinks handed out, Clarke and the girls arrived at the doorstep, two out of three of them seeming to be in happy spirits by Lexa’s analysis.

“Lexa,” Madi happily said when the woman opened the door, quickly hugging the woman around the waist.

“Hi, sweetheart. I’m so happy you came,” Lexa enthused returning the hug before stepping aside to let Clarke and Ontari inside. “Please make yourselves comfortable. Everyone’s just having some drinks and socializing before we serve dinner.”

“Thanks for inviting us, Lex,” Clarke said, looking to make sure Ontari wasn’t paying attention before she kissed Lexa in greeting.

“I’m happy you’re here,” Lexa said, nuzzling her nose against Clarke’s before wrapping an arm around her and leading her towards the living room.

Octavia and Raven were quick to flock their friend when she entered, leaving Madi and Ontari standing nearby as if they needed permission to do something.

“Can I get you guys something to drink?” Lexa asked, to which Ontari shook her head in the negative – Clarke really wasn’t kidding when she said that Ontari refused to talk.

“Can I have sprite please?” Madi asked, a cheeky grin coming to her face.

“Should we ask Clarke before we pump you full of sugar?”

Madi giggle and nodded, taking Lexa’s hand so they could check in with Clarke before getting her drink.

Ontari continued to stand by living room archway and fiddled with her nose ring to occupy herself. She quickly decided that she preferred to stand by herself than getting stuck in the mess of conversing adults.

Across the room, some of the less familiar adults noticed the teen standing alone.

“So that’s Clarke’s foster daughter,” Bellamy noted, having heard from his sister of the not so friendly teenager. “Octavia’s shared some horror stories about her. Don’t get on her bad side.”

“Does she even have a good one?” Murphy asked.

“Be nice,” Echo said, giving her boyfriend and Murphy a glare. “The poor thing looks so uncomfortable here.”

“Maybe we should get her something to drink?” Emori suggested.

“I’ve got this,” Gustus spoke up, having heard the others speaking about Ontari. “I raised 4 foster kids, remember?”

Gustus left the drinks to approach Ontari, doing his best to appear kind and welcoming despite his burly appearance.

“So, you must be the firecracker student my wife and daughter talk about,” Gutus said, making Ontari look at him. He recognized the fear that flashed through her eyes. It was the same one that all of his kids had when they first entered their home. “I know big gatherings can be a lot to handle. I don’t like them all that much myself. Would you prefer to sit somewhere quiet?”

Ontari looked over the man unsurely, trying her best to pinpoint whether or not agreeing to go with him would end in disaster.

The noise of chatter was becoming all too much for the teen to handle, however, so she nodded her agreement and allowed him to lead her out of the living room and towards the kitchen.

“I’ve got two dogs, Nova and Rigel, and they are better company than any person I know. Are you okay with dogs?” Gustus asked, to which Ontari nodded. “Good,” the man said, sliding open the door that led to the yard and exposing the two large dogs.

Ontari’s eyes widened briefly at their sizes, but neither dog seemed overly excited, so she allowed herself to step out and get closer to them.

“The white one is Rigel and the brindle is Nova.”

Ontari smiled as the large head of Nova pushed into her hip as if she were asking to be petted.

“You’re welcome to sit out here and play with them until dinner,” Gutus offered, motioning to the patio furniture that Rigel was already occupying.

Ontari nodded once more that she liked that idea and moved to sit by the other dog, Nova close on her heel in hopes of receiving more affection.

Gustus smiled at his slight success and let the girl enjoy her alone time.

When she was finally alone, Ontari broke out into a wide smile and nuzzled her face against Nova’s, feeling the most content she had in a while.

-----

When everyone was about to move into the dining room, the doorbell rang once more, signaling the arrival of another guest.

Surprisingly, Octavia was the one to rush to the door and open it, revealing an older woman and a little girl, no older than Madi. It was the enthusiastic cry of “Aunty O!” that piqued Clarke’s interest. The blonde looked into the foyer and watched Octavia enthusiastically greet the both of them and pick the little girl up.

“Hey, Clarke. Come meet my friend,” Octavia encouraged, waving the blonde over.

Clarke approached and waved at the taller woman. “Clarke, this is Charmaine Diyoza and her daughter Hope. Diyoza, this is Clarke.”

“Nice to meet you,” Diyoza greeted, gently smiling at Clarke.

“Yeah, you too. How do you…?” Clarke started to ask but faltered, not wanting to sound rude.

“Diyoza is my neighbor. She’s asked me to babysit Hope a few times and we became friends.”

Clarke smiled to hide her slight jealousy. Octavia was comfortably acting like Aunty O for her neighbor but refused to be in the same room as her own kids because Ontari said something mean a while ago.

“C’mon, I want you guys to meet my other friends,” Octavia said to Diyoza, leading the woman past Clarke and towards the living room.

Lexa approached Clarke who remained in the foyer in slight shock.

“Everything okay, babe?” Lexa asked, giving Clarke’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“Yeah, Octavia’s just playing selective Aunty,” Clarke snarked, making Lexa raise her eyebrows in slight shock.

“Some more context please,” the brunette requested, making Clarke puff out a breath.

“I get it, Ontari said something pretty shitty to her once, but it pisses me off just a bit that she’s acting like an aunt to her neighbour’s kid but doesn’t extend that to my kids too.”

“Maybe she has good reasoning,” Lexa said, making Clarke shake her head.

“Octavia’s always been like this. Fuck up once and it’s nearly impossible to get back on her good side.”

“Hey, let’s look on the bright side here. Madi gets to play with someone her own age tonight,” Lexa said. “Not that Gaia wouldn’t love to entertain her the whole evening, but I think it’ll be a lot more entertaining to have someone her own height around.”

“I won’t be bitter about it for now,” Clarke said, pouting her lower lip slightly. “But that girl better explain this to me another day.”

Lexa laughed and kissed Clarke before nodding towards the kitchen.

“Why don’t you go get Ontari for dinner? We’re going to sit down soon.”

Clarke agreed and walked towards the back of the house while Lexa returned to the living room.

-----

Dinner, much to Clarke’s relief, went by smoothly with her girls. Ontari silently ate and kept to herself (as always), and Madi happily chatted with Hope as the two girls shared their plates of food (despite the contents being the exact same).

It was entertaining to watch the Woods family interact. Clarke could see how their personalities all interlocked so well. Anya was the leader and the most headstrong of the bunch. Lincoln was the jokester and brought up more embarrassing stories than any of his siblings wanted to relive. Gaia was the quiet, level headed one who mediated the conversations. Luna was excitable and carefree, just as the youngest should be. And Lexa was the equalizer, the perfect middle child that complimented everyone’s personalities.

It was as Lincoln mentioned an embarrassing story of Anya experiencing a bad high on their last “adult camping trip” (much to the displeasure of both their parents), that something caught Clarke’s attention.

“It was an absolute disaster. Lex, do you remember how Costia gave Anya that stick and insisted it was her anti-monster stick?” Luna asked, cracking up along with the rest of the adults at the memory.

Costia. Lexa seem to frown slightly at the name but was quick to smile again.

Clarke never heard of her before. She was most likely an ex of Lexa’s, but the way Lexa reacted to the name made Clarke’ believe it was deeper than that.

The blonde didn’t bother asking in the middle of the meal, nor did she mention it at dessert when Costia was brought up yet again as Gaia recounted a family Christmas trip to Hawaii.

After the table was cleared and everyone pitched into the help clean up in the kitchen, the group returned to the living room to digest and enjoy each other’s company some more.

Ontari returned to sitting with the dogs outside while Hope and Madi ran around the backyard and played on the old playground from the Woods kids’ childhood.

Clarke excused herself to use the bathroom upstairs but got sidetracked at the sight of some pictures hung in the upstairs hallway.

There were pictures of the family together, and several of the kids individually. There were even scrounged up baby pictures of Lexa and Luna that were old and frayed but still framed on the wall.

Clarke stopped in her tracks when she saw one of Lexa with another woman. They were both dressed in beautiful white dresses, and the date stamped onto the bottom corner went back 5 years.

Lexa had been married – and even more shocking, the family kept a photo of it up in their hallway as if it were something they never wanted to forget.

Lexa never mentioned anything about being married, or divorced for that matter.

“Shit,” Lexa sighed out, having arrived at the top of the stairs to find Clarke staring at the photo. “I meant to explain.”

“You’re married?” Clarke asked, turning to look at Lexa who was chewing her lip.

“It’s… come with me,” Lexa said, approaching Clarke and taking her hand to lead her to one of the bedrooms.

It was Lexa’s old one by the looks of it; left untouched after she moved out at the age of 20 (as per Lexa’s stories). There was a picture of the same woman from the wedding photo on the nightstand, confusing Clarke further.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Clarke asked as she and Lexa took a seat on the bed. “I know that someone’s history of exes doesn’t really matter, but I think a divorce is worth mentioning.”

“Costia and I never got a divorce. She died,” Lexa said, deciding to tear the bandaid right off.

Clarke paused, feeling a wave of sadness wash over her. She looked at the woman who was smiling in the photograph and could hardly fathom that she was gone. “Lexa,” the blonde finally breathed out. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Lexa said, smiling weakly. “I should’ve told you sooner.”

“No, hey, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

“I know,” Lexa said, mulling over her next thought. “Costia was my first girlfriend. We met in high school. I asked her to marry me when we finished college and three years after that she died in a car accident,” Lexa said, giving Clarke the quickest explanation in hopes of keeping control over her emotions.

“I can’t imagine,” Clarke sighed, brushing some of Lexa’s tears away.

“It was the worst experience I ever lived through. I swore I would never let myself fall in love again.”

“But… what changed?” Clarke asked, starting to worry that their time spent together was only to satiate Lexa’s human desire for affection.

“You are so much like her. After our first date, all I could think about was how you were all the good things that I loved about Costia. Your kindness, selflessness, bravery. I knew I would be an idiot if I didn’t let myself fall in love with someone like that again.”

“So this isn’t… you and I…?” Clarke wasn’t sure how to go about asking if her and Lexa were more than just two people who kissed every so often.

“I’m falling in love with you, Clarke Griffin. I thought I made that clear at the hockey rink,” Lexa said, smiling slightly at the concern etched on Clarke’s face. The brunette couldn’t help but lean closer to press her forehead against Clarke’s.

“Be my girlfriend,” Clarke whispered, deciding that would be the only step they could take to ease her concerns about the legitimacy of their relationship.

“Say that again,” Lexa hummed, making Clarke laugh lightly.

“Please, Lexa, be my girlfriend.”

“Yes,” Lexa agreed, pressing her lips against Clarke’s.

Deep down, both women were finally relieved to have a proper status. It made everything more real, and it felt so right.

-----

Downstairs, the festivities continued. No one seemed to pay much mind to the disappearance of Clarke or Lexa; and if they did, they could only hope that something inappropriate wasn’t going on in any of the bedrooms.

In the midst of conversing with her siblings and their partners, Luna excused herself to get something from the kitchen. Instead of stopping there, however, the woman continued through into the backyard where she found Ontari laying out flat on the outdoor furniture with Rigel on top of her legs and Nova on the ground with her head rested on the edge of the seat.

“Hey, kiddo,” Luna greeted, making Ontari sit up quickly in fear of getting in trouble. “How’re these two guys treating you?” Lexa asked as she took a seat on a single and reached down to pet Nova.

Ontari didn’t offer much aside from a shrug, allowing Luna to continue.

“You’ve been doing incredibly well during practice. I’ve been looking for someone with your amount of speed and precision and I think you would be great on my intermediate team.”

Ontari stared at her coach in slight shock, not entirely sure where Luna was taking this.

“If you’re interested in playing some real games and getting more competition at your level, I would love to offer you a spot on the team starting next week.”

Ontari blinked once. And then twice.

“Why me?” she finally asked, breaking her weeklong silence. Her voice was a lot scratchier than expected.

“You’ve got spirit in you, kid. I coach a lot of players of different skill levels but you are the first one to have that much natural drive. Some players work their asses off for years to get there emotionally, but you were there from day one. I would be honored to have you playing on my intermediate level.”

Ontari smiled and eagerly nodded. “I’ll do it. Thank you, Luna.”

“That was all you, Ontari. The only one to thank here is yourself. I’ll see you at practice on Tuesday,” Luna gave Ontari’s knee a gentle squeeze before getting up and leaving the teen alone again.

Ontari sighed happily and flopped back on the couch to stare at the shining moon. She couldn’t help the small giggle of pride she released as she recounted her conversation with Luna.

Somebody thought she was actually worth something and wanted her. It’s been a long time since Ontari felt that way.

Notes:

we have clexa girlfriends! isn't that exciting?

side note: i'm doing my best to bring in our favourite characters from the show, but i'm going to forewarn all of you now that i won't be advancing their storylines all that much. they are there for the sole purpose of entertainment and i'm going to be keeping my focus on the lives of Clarke, Lexa, and the girls.

and a question for all of my readers: who would like a fourth update in the week? i'm nearly done writing the story on my end and i'm too impatient to release chapters three times a week. i really want to get this story out to you all quicker, so how would you all feel about a fourth chapter on the weekend? let me know in the comments!

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 11: every ounce of me

Notes:

"when i saw you first, it took every ounce of me not to kiss you. when i saw you laugh, it took every ounce of me not to love you. and when i saw your soul, it took every ounce of me." - atticus

Despite Ontari’s distaste for Clarke and Lexa’s relationship, she was starting to find it more tolerable as Lexa began inserting herself in their lives more.

Both Clarke and Lexa were present at each of her hockey practices on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday, and Lexa started to take her and Madi home after school to allow Clarke some extra time in the studio.

While it was weird at first to have her English teacher leave school with her, Ontari soon realized that she didn’t give a crap about what the other students thought and that having another adult around that treated Madi well was something she shouldn’t complain about.

On the last Friday before Christmas break, Ontari lingered in the English room so then Lexa could pack up and Madi could meet them there.

“You’re going to have to come by my parents place sometime soon,” Lexa mentioned as she slid the assignments she had to mark over the weekend into her bag. “My dad has been talking nonstop about how much Rigel and Nova liked you.”

“They were nice,” Ontari said, from her desk in the back corner where she currently had her chin rested on her two hands on the table.

“Did you ever go through homes with pets?” Lexa asked.

“One lady had five cats. We didn’t stay there very long because Madi’s allergic.”

“That must’ve sucked.”

“A three-year-old that doesn’t stop sneezing is never fun,” Ontari huffed, only further reminding Lexa just how much of Ontari’s childhood was stopped by the foster system. “I also remember this creepy foster brother that had a bird. I think it was from our first placement. It’s too far back to remember though.”

“I had a bird lady once. She had like 8 different birds living in her garage and this one bird made these horrifying laughing noises. Luna cried every time it made that sound,” Lexa said, making Ontari snicker.

“I might use that as blackmail the next time she makes us do 20-minute speed skating drills.”

Lexa laughed at that, finding herself slightly baffled by the amount of willing conversation she was getting from the girl today. It was like they turned a new leaf.

Before more traumatic pet experiences could be recounted, Madi was skipping into the room with a piece of paper waving in her hand.

“Hey, sillygirl. What’ve you got there?” Lexa asked, crouching down to accept the artwork.

“I made this in class today,” Madi explained. Lexa felt her heart swell at the finger painting of what looked to be like Madi and Ontari with the nice cursive of Mrs.Green on top labeling it as: My favourite person.

“Why don’t you go show your sister this amazing art,” Lexa encouraged, standing up and taking in the moment between the sisters.

Ontari seemed genuinely touched by the picture and hugged Madi tightly before the two sorted themselves out and approached Lexa at her desk.

“Ready to go?” Lexa asked, smiling at the two girls.

“Yup,” Ontari agreed, returning a small smile before turning to leave the room with Madi skipping beside her.

Lexa laughed lightly before grabbing her things and following after them.

She decided to shoot Clarke a small update to let her know they were heading to the house.

Lexa: I’m about to take the girls home. Ontari is in a great mood today btw.

-----

Clarke smiled at the text she received before texting her girlfriend back.

Clarke: Thanks for the help, babe. I’ll be home by dinner. Just finishing up a piece for a client.

The blonde returned to her work and continued to add the fine details of the commissioned piece. She was interrupted once again, however, when her studio door swung open to reveal Octavia and Hope.

“Hey, what’re you doing here?” Clarke asked, leaving her art piece alone.

“Hope and I were talking a walk and she said she had to use the washroom.”

“It’s through that door, sweetheart,” Clarke said to Hope who thanked her before hurrying off, leaving the two adults alone.

“Not that I’m complaining, but a text would’ve been nice. I’m working on a piece,” Clarke said, motioning to her workstation.

“Sorry. I didn’t know where else to take her, and we’re thirty minutes from home.”

Clarke did her best not to roll her eyes before she sat back on her stool and grabbed her brush.

“I also don’t let kids in here. I thought you’d remember that.”

“Shit Clarke, what’s with you? I swear, you’ve changed since…” Octavia faltered, which made Clarke look at her.

“Since what, Octavia?”

“Since you took those girls in,” Octavia decided to finish, making the blonde roll her eyes this time.

“That’s great. First my mother, and now you.”

“Maybe Abby wasn’t wrong. Maybe you’re in too over your head,” Octavia said.

“How would you know? You haven’t actually seen the girls in months.”

“I saw them at Thanksgiving-,” Octavia tried to defend, only to have Clarke cut her off.

“And you avoided them like the plague,” Clarke snapped back. “Things weren’t going to be perfect at the beginning, I knew that, and I made sure everyone around me knew that as well. But things have improved. Ontari is improving.”

“When are you going to stop lying to yourself?” Octavia asked. “When are you going to realize that Ontari is too far gone to help?”

“Don’t talk about my kid like that,” Clarke seethed, getting up to stand in front of Octavia.

“She’s not your kid, Clarke. Madi and Ontari are not yours,” Octavia sighed.

Clarke seemed repulsed by the comment. She struggled to think of what to say next as her throat tightened and tears welled in her eyes.

“Fuck you,” Clarke finally managed to say. “Take Hope and go play fake aunt somewhere else.”

“I don’t want to see you get hurt when they are taken from you,” Octavia tried to reason.

“Please, Octavia, just go. I have to work,” Clarke said, shaking her head and turning away from her friend.

Octavia sighed and went to get Hope from the bathroom before they headed for the door. Clarke didn’t even bother looking their way as they left.

When the glass door shut quietly, Clarke let out a tense breath and wiped the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes.

-----

Lexa allowed Ontari to unlock the door before following both girls in. Everyone dispersed to do whatever they wanted to before Clarke got home from work.

Lexa got Madi set up on the coffee table with her math homework and Disney movie before seating herself on the single with the papers she had to start marking.

Ontari took more time to get settled down, having gone between the top and bottom floor several times before she finally seemed to make up her mind.

Ontari walked down to the garage and grabbed the guitar that Clarke had in the corner of her studio. As quietly and inconspicuously as possible, Ontari hurried up the stairs to her room where she rushed to close the door and sit on her bed.

She hardly ever got the chance to play any instruments as she moved between homes, but from the first time she laid eyes on Clarke’s guitar she wanted to try playing it. Today, she finally grew a pair and grabbed it, hoping with all her might that it wouldn’t land her in any serious trouble if Clarke ever found out.

Ontari unplugged the earbuds from her phone and allowed the music to play through its speakers. She did her best to copy the chords that were offered online and keep rhythm with the music that, in hindsight, she could only consider angry screaming.

Ontari kept at it for almost an hour before she decided it was too futile to learn and decided to put the guitar back in the studio.

Just as Ontari stopped her music, a knock at the door came before it was pushed open by Lexa.

The older woman smiled kindly at her as she peeked in.

“Hey, Madi wants to bake something. How do brownies sound?”

“Fine,” Ontari sighed, feeling slightly annoyed that she couldn’t play the guitar the way she wanted to.

“What’ve you got there?” Lexa asked, nodding to the guitar that Ontari laid on the bed.

“It’s Clarke’s. I was going to put it back,” Ontari quickly explained, realizing that Lexa could rat her out.

“I’m sure she wouldn’t mind. Are you any good?” Lexa asked, stepping into the room and stopping at the end of Ontari’s bed.

“I suck,” Ontari said, shaking her head. “The music I listen to is too hard to copy anyways.”

“Can I see what you listen to?” Lexa asked, motioning to the phone.

Ontari thought about it before pressing play on the last song she was listening to. Paradise City by Guns n’ Roses continued from where Ontari left off, making Lexa cringe slightly.

“I can see why it would be difficult to learn how to play that,” Lexa conceded, seemingly grateful when Ontari paused the song once again. “I used to listen to heavy metal in high school too.”

“Not anymore?” Ontari asked, her eyes following Lexa who sat herself on the end of Madi’s bed.

“I thought it would be an outlet for my anger. Turns out, it just made me angrier,” Lexa explained.

“I don’t actually like this music,” Ontari confessed, looking to her phone disdainfully. “When I found this thing it already had this stuff on there, and I guess I got used to it. It helps block out the things in my head.”

Lexa nodded her understanding and pulled out her phone, scrolling through it for a minute before she found what she was looking for.

Fade Into You by Mazzy Star started to play, filling the space with a gently strummed guitar.

“How’s this?” Lexa asked, handing her phone over to the teen who took it and looked at the song cover.

“It’s nice,” Ontari agreed, allowing herself to sway slowly with the song.

“I have my laptop here. If you’d like I can download some new music onto your phone for you,” Lexa offered, motioning to Ontari’s cellphone.

Ontari chewed her lip unsurely before nodding and handing her phone over and reaching for her charger on the bedside table.

“Why don’t you listen to some more songs I have on there and you can come tell me if there’s anything you want to me add,” Lexa suggested, not seeing any harm in leaving the teen with her phone.

“Thanks,” Ontari whispered, hesitating before she started scrolling through Lexa’s Spotify account.

Lexa decided to leave the teen with that and went to give her playlist a slight upgrade.

-----

Clarke arrived home just as Lexa and Madi finished making dinner. Despite doing her best to forget about it, Clarke couldn’t help but feel annoyed by her encounter with Octavia.

Raven did her best to mediate the argument, going between calling Octavia and Clarke, but she decided to remove herself entirely before she said something to upset either woman.

The sound of Lexa and Madi speaking to one another eased Clarke’s tension slightly, which allowed her to smile as she made her way to the kitchen.

“Look who’s home,” Lexa said to Madi as she smiled at her girlfriend.

“Hi, Mama,” Madi greeted excitedly. “We made soulaki chicken.”

“Souvlaki chicken,” Lexa kindly corrected. “You almost had it.”

Madi giggled and went to put the forks she was carrying in the right spots.

“Thanks for doing that,” Clarke said, approaching Lexa and pressing a kiss to her lips. “I really appreciate the extra help with the girls.”

“I love helping. Did you finish that commissioned piece?” Lexa asked.

“Yup. Now that it’s out of the way I can stay home with the girls over their break.”

“Well, you know who to call if you need to pop into your studio,” Lexa said, winking at Clarke before she handed Madi the napkins to put on the table.

“You’re the best girlfriend ever, you know that?” Clarke asked, pressing another kiss to Lexa’s lips before turning her attention to the food. “And this looks amazing by the way. Can I help with anything?”

“We’re just about done here, right Madi?”

Madi nodded and approached the two women.

“Should I get Ontari?” the little girl asked.

“That would be helpful. Thanks, Mads,” Lexa said, sending the girl off.

“How was she today?” Clarke asked, speaking about the older girl.

“Good. She’s more chatty than usual. I even learned something very interesting that I’ll have to tell you about later,” Lexa said, already hearing the girls walking back towards the stairs.

“What is it?” Clarke asked, knowing very well she’d be too impatient to wait.

“Not now,” Lexa whispered, smiling when the girls appeared.

“Damn it,” Clarke groaned, also putting on a smile at the sight of Ontari. “Hey, sweetheart. How was your day?”

“Fine,” Ontari said, not offering much else as she went to sit at the table.

“I got a ten out of ten on my spelling test,” Madi said proudly as she took her seat as well.

“Good job, baby,” Clarke said, rubbing Madi’s back as she moved past her. “No toast tonight?”

“I wanna try the chicken. It smells yummy,” Madi explained as Ontari helped put some of the food onto her plate.

Clarke gave Lexa and impressed look, to which the woman smiled and shrugged.

“I agree,” Clarke said, taking her seat next to Lexa and allowing her hand to gently rub along the brunette’s back lovingly.

-----

“Please stay,” Clarke whispered between kisses as she and Lexa sat on her bed. The blonde was straddling the other woman’s lap and holding her cheeks between both hands to get some more leverage.

“I promised to meet my sisters for breakfast tomorrow. I don’t want to wake you up at the ass crack of dawn,” Lexa said after breaking a long kiss.

“Waking up next to you makes me forget what time it is,” Clarke dismissed, to which Lexa laughed.

“Yeah right. Last time I stayed over you threw a pillow at me for waking up at 6am.”

“That was because you wanted to go for a run instead of cuddle. That was weird.”

“You do know the 6am run is a regular thing, right? Which means I would do the same thing tomorrow?” Lexa asked, laughing slightly when the realization dawned on Clarke.

The blonde huffed and leaned back, allowing her hands to trail down Lexa’s nearly bare chest.

“Have you ever considered purchasing a treadmill?”

“So I can move the 6am run indoors?”

“No, so you can postpone it to the evening,” Clarke said, smiling coyly at Lexa.

“I’m too busy in the evening marking papers,” Lexa reminded, pointing to her abandoned pile on the nightstand. “I really should get going, though. Madi mentioned that today was a hair washing day.”

“I really need to start teaching her how to scrub her own hair properly,” Clarke said as she reached for her shirt which was in the middle of the bed.

“Don’t deny it, you love that she needs help with something,” Lexa said, poking Clarke’s side, which made the blonde squeal.

“Don’t,” the blonde laughed, batting away the offending hand. “And yes, I do enjoy it. She reads to me and I wash her hair. It’s a very peaceful practice.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Lexa said, starting to rise from the bed since Clarke evacuated her lap. The brunette moved around the room and collected her things, not catching the way that Clarke followed her every move with a faint smile on her lips.

“You’re going to the game on Sunday, right?” Clarke asked as Lexa returned to the bedside, her bag now slung over her shoulder. The blonde sat up on her knees and draped her arms over Lexa’s shoulders, effectively bringing them closer together.

“I wouldn’t want to miss Ontari’s big hockey debut,” Lexa said, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s forehead, nose, and then lips.

“Thanks for being so good to her today. You’ve made more breakthroughs than I have in these last eight months,” Clarke said, to which Lexa shook her head.

“She’s warming up to the situation and the people around her. I promise, she’ll start being more receptive to you too soon.”

“Nonetheless, I can’t imagine what I’d do without you. It’s not like I have much support aside from Raven.”

“Hey, Octavia will come around. As will your mom.”

“Say that enough and I might start believing it,” Clarke said, frowning slightly at the thought of losing people from her already small circle.

“It’s true. It doesn’t feel like it now, but with the way Ontari is improving I have no doubt she’ll be winning them over and making them feel like shit for every rejecting her.”

Clarke sighed and nodded her understanding, allowing herself to steal one more kiss before she stepped off the bed and walked Lexa downstairs to the front door.

“Tell the girls I said goodnight,” Lexa said, turning at the threshold to properly say goodbye to her girlfriend.

“I will. Drive safe,” Clarke said, pulling Lexa in for a hug and then kissing her once more.

“Goodnight, Clarke,” Lexa said as they pulled away from one another.

“Night, babe,” Clarke said, waving to her girlfriend as she walked down the stairs of the townhome.

Once Lexa was in her car and pulling out of the visitor parking, Clarke shut the door and moved back upstairs to start getting Madi ready for bed.

The routine carried out as per usual. Madi read, Clarke worked on her hair, and the two shared a late-night snack of whatever Madi felt a hankering for (tonight it was soda crackers).

The two ventured back upstairs by 10 o’clock, later than Clarke preferred for Madi to fall asleep at, but it was Friday night, so she let it slide. The blonde carried a packet of soda crackers up with her along with a glass of water with the intention to leave them for Ontari.

It had started as a recent habit when Clarke heard Ontari down in the kitchen late one night after a homemade meal. She knew that the small portions weren’t holding the girl over until the next day and decided that leaving a snack at her bedside would give her the opportunity to eat something without the worry of getting caught in the kitchen and getting in trouble (not that Clarke would punish her for that).

Despite Lexa’s delicious dinner, Clarke only caught Ontari eating a bit of rice and some pita bread, which led her to bring the extra snacks up to the girls’ room.

When Madi and Clarke entered the space, they found Ontari already fast asleep with her headphones in and her blanket pulled up high.

Clarke set the crackers and water down on the nightstand while Madi got situated in her bed and waited for her goodnight kiss.

“Goodnight, babygirl,” Clarke whispered as she pulled Madi’s blankets around her and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Goodnight, mama,” Madi whispered back. “Nose kiss,” she quickly reminded, making Clarke laugh.

“Of course,” the woman obliged, rubbing her nose against Madi’s.

Once the little one was situated and ready to fall asleep, Clarke turned her attention to Ontari.

As per usual, Clarke picked up the blanket at the end of the bed and draped it over the teen. As she leaned over her, she heard the sound of a different song playing in her earbuds. It was softer and much more soothing than anything she’d ever heard Ontari listen to before.

Clarke smiled in relief that Lexa could bring some peace to the girl and finished arranging the blanket over her.

“Goodnight, my girls,” Clarke whispered as she crept out of the room and shut the door behind herself. Once in the hallway, Clarke lent against the closed door and breathed out a sigh of relief. They were settling into a comfortable normal, and for the first time in a while, Clarke felt like everything was good.

-----

Christmas was a new holiday that Clarke had to navigate seeing as this would be the first one she spent with her foster daughters, and her girlfriend.

To her surprise, her mom invited her over for dinner on Christmas eve, but claimed that she wanted a quaint dinner with only herself, Clarke, Raven, and Marcus present. Aka, no Ontari or Madi allowed.

To say Clarke was livid would be an understatement. Lexa had to talk the blonde down from a pretty scary tyrant about how much she hated her mother and wished it was her that died instead of her dad.

After that, Lexa swore that there would always be room for Clarke and the girls at her parents’ house and that they would love to have them for dinner on Christmas. It sounded like a great invitation (aside from the fact that Clarke had to come face to face with Octavia again), but Clarke wasn’t about to let that be the reason that she backed out.

On Christmas eve, after the girls fell asleep and Lexa and Clarke stayed up until 3am to make it seem like Santa came to the house, the two women found themselves full of way more energy than needed to fall asleep.

Which led them to Clarke’s room, where they ended up in a deep make-out session with no intention to slow down.

Lexa reached behind Clarke to unclasp her bra and allowed for the material to fall down the blonde’s arms, exposing her chest. The brunette didn’t hesitate to palm her hands against Clarke, eliciting moans that had both of them worried that they were going to wake the girls.

“Shit, Lexa,” Clarke breathed out past a laugh, doing her best to quiet down.

Lexa didn’t respond; much rather, she carefully tipped Clarke off her lap and rolled on top of her, allowing her to gain more control.

Lexa kissed her way down Clarke’s chest, past her navel, and then stopped at her pant-line. Wordlessly, Lexa gave the joggers a slight tug, which signaled for Clarke to raise her hips. Eager to continue, Lexa quickly removed Clarke pants and underwear and tucked her leg between the blonde’s legs.

“You’re so beautiful,” Lexa whispered as she hovered over Clarke and brushed her fingers up and down her stomach and chest.

For a brief moment, the two women looked at each other and got lost in each other’s eyes before Clarke spoke.

“I love you, Lex.”

Lexa froze for a beat before smiling lightly and leaning down to kiss Clarke passionately. When their lips broke apart, she finally responded.

“I love you too, Clarke.”

“Show me,” Clarke whispered, pulling Lexa down once more for another kiss.

Lexa took this opportunity to slip her hand between Clarke’s legs, eliciting a slight gasp from the woman below her.

Between broken kisses and nuzzled noses, Lexa made love to Clarke the way that a storm grows over the ocean. Waves kissed the shore slowly, hesitantly, and drew back just as quickly. But then the storm started to stir, and the waves began to grow. They became larger, more aggressive. More arrived before the ocean could drag them back in. And then with a large heave, the tide rushed ahead before slowly pulling back entirely, leaving the waves to lap the shore in the wake of the chaos.

Lexa pressed gentle kisses down Clarke’s body as she attempted to catch her breath. Before Clarke could properly recover, Lexa had situated herself between her legs. A second storm started brewing, and both women knew it wouldn’t be the last one of that night either.

-----

On Christmas morning, Clarke sat on the couch with Ontari as they watched Lexa and Madi pass out the gifts that Santa brought the night before.

Madi was extremely giddy after she revealed to Clarke and Lexa that it was the first time she got gifts under the tree. Despite Madi’s joy, Clarke could see how the comment made Ontari distraught. She clearly did her best to make Madi’s life good, but there was no doubt to be some issues when it came to gift giving on special holidays.

After that, Ontari staked a claim on the corner of the couch and wrapped her arms around her legs as she watched the pile of gifts for her grow on the coffee table.

“Can I open my gifts now?” Madi asked as everything was finally handed out.

“Go ahead,” Clarke said, holding her phone up to record the little one opening her first gift.

The three older people watched as Madi opened various gifts. Many were books, some were more practical things like clothes and shoes. The real winner was a Lego set of Hogwarts Express, which made Madi extremely excited as she and Lexa had taken to reading the first Harry Potter book together.

Afterward, Clarke encouraged Ontari to open her gifts, only to be met with a hesitant shake of her head and a down casted look to her knees.

“Sweetheart, it’s okay to receive gifts,” Clarke said, trying to catch Ontari’s gaze once more.

“I don’t want to owe you anything,” Ontari explained. Clarke looked to Lexa who could only shake her head (a sign that it was a legitimate fear and that Clarke had to roll with it).

“You don’t owe me anything. I want you to have this stuff. I got it just for you,” Clarke said, hoping to get something out of the teen. When Ontari didn’t make a move for the pile, Clarke sighed and reached for one of the six gifts. She set the small box down beside Ontari’s foot and gave the girl a kind smile. “You don’t have to open the others, but I want you to have this.”

Ontari looked at the little box long and hard.

“Let’s go get some hot cocoa,” Lexa spoke up, deciding to give Ontari some time alone to make a decision without any pressure.

Clarke and Madi followed Lexa to the kitchen, allowing for Ontari to release her legs and loosen up thanks to the absence of others in the room.

Hesitantly, Ontari picked up the box and pulled a piece of the ribbon until it came undone. The teen pulled the top off and looked at the necklace within, her heart-stopping a beat when she noticed the pendant on it.

It was a simple silver circle with the number 28 stamped into it. It was Ontari’s jersey number; the one that Luna said would be her’s until her last game at the club, and the one that Ontari fell so deeply in love with.

What Clarke wouldn’t tell her is that she saw Ontari smiling at the jersey number all the way home after that practice and knew just how much it meant to her.

With shaky hands, Ontari picked the necklace up and clasped it around her neck. She held to the pendant for a minute and allowed a smile to break out onto her face before she carefully tucked it under her pyjama shirt.

Ontari went to the kitchen and approached Clarke who was stirring cocoa mix into warm mugs of milk. Silently, Ontari grabbed another spoon and started to help her.

“Thank you,” Ontari whispered not looking to her foster mom but sensing the smile that she gave her.

What she didn’t see were the tears welling in Clarke’s eyes, nor the smile and thumbs up that Lexa shot in her direction.

Notes:

i'm sorry this chapter is out a bit late. I have been running around all day doing things and have finally had the opportunity to get this one posted.

i think you'll all be pleased to know that i am adding another update to the week. it'll ideally be up every Saturday night.

thanks again for the comments and kudos. i hope you enjoyed this peaceful chapter (fair warning: the peace won't last for long).

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 12: i'm not brave anymore, darling

Notes:

"i'm not brave anymore, darling. i'm all broken. they've broken me" - ernest hemingway

After Christmas break, Clarke was extremely pleased to realize that her once small family had grown exponentially thanks to Lexa. Indra and Gustus were so kind and welcoming, so much so that Clarke, Lexa, and the girls found themselves having dinner at their place at least four more times after the planned Christmas one. By extension, Lexa’s siblings had become friends of Clarkes’s and she even texted most of them on a regular basis.

As the small family of three resumed their regular routine, they realized it was now filled with more Lexa and, by extension, more of her family, which no one could really complain about.

Clarke liked to think that she was cruising now, unlike a few months ago when she was driving on somewhat treacherous terrain.

That didn’t mean that bumps in the road didn’t occur. Ontari sometimes lashed out, and Madi occasionally resumed habits that Clarke thought they overcame, but nonetheless the little family was doing alright.

On the first Wednesday back to school and work, Clarke was back in her studio and in the midst of selling Anya a new piece when Octavia entered her workplace (this time without Hope).

“Okay, Clarke, you have to talk to me,” Octavia said, cutting right to the chase.

“I’m with a client,” Clarke said, not even looking in her friend’s direction.

“You’re with Anya. I’ve seen her like three times this week,” Octavia said.

“She’s still a client,” Clarke bit back, finally glaring at Octavia who was standing close by with her arms crossed in an impatient stance.

“Please, don’t let me interrupt this,” Anya said, genuinely interested in the fight that had been brewing between her siblings’ partners. The icy blonde woman plopped down onto the couch in Clarke’s studio and waited for the drama to unfold.

“What is so important that you couldn’t text me about?” Clarke asked Octavia.

“You’re treating me like I said something inexcusable,” Octavia said, to which Clarke scoffed.

“That’s rich, all things considered. I ice you out for offending me, but that’s not okay in your books. Yet one insult from a traumatized teen has you refusing to be in the same room as her, which is apparently completely justifiable.”

“Jesus Christ, of course you’ve twisted this!” Octavia said in exasperation.

“Can someone give me a bit more context please?” Anya asked from her place, receiving not so pleasant glares from the other two women in the room. “Nevermind.”

“I didn’t say that those girls weren’t yours to be mean. I said it to remind you of the truth,” Octavia explained.

“You of all people should know that you don’t have to be biologically related to someone to love them as your own.”

“I know! But I’m talking legally, Clarke. A day will come when their social worker has a new placement or their biological mom steps forward and I don’t want to see how that will affect you.”

Clarke hesitated, unsure of how to respond to that major reality check. Octavia wasn’t wrong. The girls weren’t her’s legally, which meant that they could be taken from her at any given moment.

The thought made Clarke’s stomach churn.

“I’m worried that you’re investing all of this time on a girl who will never accept you as her parent and who will most likely be removed from your home or age out of the system. I don’t think you can handle that type of loss, Clarke.”

“That doesn’t explain why you refuse to be in their lives,” Clarke said, biting back a snarky comment about Octavia happily being ‘Aunty O’ to another child.

“Less people for Madi to get attached to. Plus, Ontari isn’t a nice kid to be around-,”

“I’m going to have to stop you there,” Anya spoke up. “You haven’t given her a chance to redeem herself. Ontari is a great kid once she’s had some time to get comfortable.”

“Thanks, An,” Clarke said, looking to the older woman who nodded and gave her a thumbs up.

“Well, maybe it’s just me then. But I prefer to not have to walk on eggshells around someone I hardly know.”

“I don’t know what you’re hoping to achieve in this conversation, Octavia. I know it may not be permanent, but these girls are part of my life at the moment. They are an extension of me, and if you can’t handle that then I can’t have you in my life.”

“I’m scared that you’re going to run away again,” Octavia said, tears welling in her eyes. “I’m scared that the day Madi and Ontari leave, you are going to run back to Europe to escape the pain like you did after your dad died. I can’t lose you again.”

Clarke couldn’t help the tears that started to well in her own eyes at the sight of Octavia crying. She could never stand to see her friend like that, especially since it was due to her fear that Clarke would leave her again.

“You said their names,” Clarke whispered, making Octavia sniffle and wipe her nose.

“What?” She asked.

“You said Madi and Ontari instead of those girls. You said their names.”

Octavia paused a beat before nodding her head. “I know they are a part of you for now, Clarke. I can accept that. I just need you to promise me that you won’t run away when they’re gone.”

“I have more people supporting me this time,” Clarke said. “I won’t leave you. I promise.”

That seemed to seal it for Octavia who accepted her friend’s words and quickly pulled her into a tight hug.

As the two friends hugged, Anya stepped up next to them and wrapped her arms around both women.

“I love a happy ending.”

-----

As per usual, Ontari and Madi sat against the back of the school during their lunch break and ate the assortment of snacks that Clarke sent them to school with.

Ontari was invested in her sketch, but Madi wasn’t occupied with her book like she normally was. Today, the little one was looking at the playground on the elementary school side where kids ran around and played with one another. Madi stared at it longingly before deciding to ask if she could join in the fun.

“Tari, can I go play on the playground?” Madi asked, tapping her hand on her sister's knee.

“What?” Ontari asked, snapping out of her concentration and looking to her little sister. “I’m sorry, say that again, Mads.”

“Can I go play?” Madi asked again, pointing to the jungle gym in the distance.

Ontari paused. Madi’s never asked to play with the other kids, then again, this was the first time they’d been at the same school for over six months, which meant that Madi most likely made a bond with her classmates by now.

Deciding that it wasn’t her place to stop the child, Ontari nodded her agreement and took Madi’s book from her lap.

“I’ll keep this with me until after school, okay? Remember to meet me at Lexa’s classroom.”

“Okay! Thank you, Tari!” Madi hugged her sister quickly before scurrying off to get some playtime in before the bell rang for the end of break.

Ontari watched Madi runoff before losing sight of her in the chaos of children. Deciding it would be of little use to worry, Ontari returned her attention to her sketch. Not five minutes later, a small group of girls from Ontari’s year walked past her, all of them giving her dirty glares as they went by.

“What a fucking weirdo,” one of the girl’s said, making the others snicker.

Ontari clenched her jaw at the comment, doing her best to keep control over her anger.

“I heard her mom was fucking the English teacher,” another laughed, finally making Ontari snap.

“What the fuck did you say?” Ontari demanded, standing up just as the girls turned to look at her.

“Opps, didn’t you know your mom was a fag?” One of the girls asked.

“She’s not a fag and she’s not my mom,” Ontari bit back, not sure what made her angrier: the fact that someone called Clarke her mom, or the fact that someone called Clarke a fag.

“Of course. It all makes sense now. Even your mom didn’t want you,” another girl said, laughing hysterically at her own comment and stepping closer to Ontari.

“Fucking take that back,” Ontari yelled, not hesitating to give the girl a push back for getting too close.

“No wonder she’s defending her not real mommy. Looks like we’ve got a little dyke on our hands.”

Ontari turned around quickly to find that a fourth girl had snuck up and grabbed her sketch pad. She had turned to a page that Ontari littered with repetitive sketches of her own left side (breast, ribs, scar, and all). To any stranger, the page looked to be like a study of the female torso, but to Ontari, it was a painful reminder of her abuse.

Just the sight of someone touching her sketchpad had Ontari seeing red. She didn’t hesitate to lunge forward and knock the girl down, effectively making her release the pad.

Ontari didn’t stop there, however; her rage wouldn’t let her. Instead, she lashed out and rained a few hits onto the girl below her before several hands pulled her backward. Suddenly various fists and feet were raining down on her. She took a good hit to the eye and mouth before getting some sense to cover herself with her arms.

The chaos was quickly interrupted by two teachers, one of which was Lexa, who spotted the fight from the distance.

“Break it up!” Mr. Wilson, the chemistry teacher, insisted as he put himself between the four girls and their victim on the floor.

“She started it! Look at what she did to Kass,” one girl argued, motioning to her friend who was now sporting a welt on her cheek.

“I don’t care who started it. You’re all going to Principal Wood’s office immediately.”

With Mr. Wilson dealing with the girls, Lexa took the opportunity to crouch by Ontari who was still curled up on the pavement; though she had yet to figure out who the girl was.

“Hey, are you hurt?” Lexa asked, placing a hand on the teen’s back. To Lexa’s shock, the teen uncurled and recoiled from her with a frightened choke, revealing to her who it was. “Ontari,” Lexa sighed, finally looking to the wall where her girlfriend’s kids always ate lunch together. Unsurprisingly, there laid the girls’ things, which should’ve indicated to Lexa who was being beaten up sooner.

“Let’s go inside, okay?” Lexa asked, already noticing Ontari building her way up to a panic attack.

Mr. Wilson had thankfully escorted the other girls inside, allowing Ontari some more privacy to be vulnerable. The teen shakily got up and went to grab her things, swaying as she did so.

“Woah, slow down. Let me help you,” Lexa said, reaching to grab the sketch pad.

“Don’t!” Ontari snapped, her voice cracking in the process.

Lexa respected her wishes and let Ontari gather her things before following her into the school and to the English classroom. Once the door shut, Lexa noted the way Ontari’s breathing became more apparent.

“Ontari, you have to calm down,” Lexa instructed as Ontari dropped her bag to the ground and began to pace.

“I- can’t-,” Ontari managed to say, shaking her head as her panic continued to climb.

“Yes, you can. C’mere. Look at me,” Lexa said, catching the girl’s hand before holding her shoulders. Lexa cringed at the sight of Ontari’s already bruising eye and the blood that trickled down the cut on her lip. “Nice and slow,” Lexa coached, taking exaggerated breaths herself to show the teen the right rhythm.

Ontari struggled to slow her erratic breaths down. Strangled sobs came out every so often in place of a breath as she wrapped her arms around her own torso in what could only be a form of a self-hug.

“Nice and slow,” Lexa repeated, practically feeling Ontari shaking under her fingers.

“I- can’t-,” Ontari repeated again, this time releasing another sob with tears to follow. With that, the dam broke and whatever emotion Ontari was keeping pent up finally came flooding out in a mess of tears and sobs. “I can’t,” the teen cried again, squeezing herself tighter as she looked ready to crumble to the ground.

Lexa, feeling also on the brink of tears with how distraught the teen was, did the only thing she thought would help. She pulled the girl into a hug and allowed whatever emotion she had to release fall into the embrace.

“I know you can, Ontari,” Lexa whispered, rubbing one hand up and down the teen’s back while the other held the back of her head against her shoulder. “I’ve got you.”

-----

Clarke practically ran into Indra’s office after haphazardly parking her car outside of the school.

Before anyone could say anything, the blonde was crouching in front of the seat that Ontari occupied while icing her cheek.

“Oh sweetheart,” Clarke sighed, reaching up to get a better look at Ontari’s black eye, which had begun to swell.

“I’m fine,” Ontari croaked out, her voice all worn from the panic attack she had less than an hour ago.

“What happened?” Clarke asked, looking between Ontari, Lexa, and Indra.

When Ontari didn’t supply an answer, Lexa spoke up. “I found a group of girls attacking her during lunch. We still aren’t sure what the whole story is but one of them claims that Ontari went after them before they retaliated.”

“Is that true?” Clarke asked Ontari who waited a beat before shaking her head in the negative.

“It would be really helpful to hear your side of things, Ontari,” Indra said, despite this being her fifth attempt to get the girl to talk.

“They said something stupid and I got mad,” Ontari quietly supplied, not offering much in the form of details. “I hit first,” she said as she let the ice pack fall to her lap before looking to Indra. “I guess that’s it then. I’m expelled, right?” Ontari asked, speaking about Indra’s last warning to her about acting out of line.

Indra sighed and leaned back in her seat, clasping her hands over front as she took in the sad state of the teen.

“I’m not going to expel you. But you know we have a zero-violence policy. I’m going to have to suspend you for the rest of the week. You can come back on Monday,” Indra said, raising a hand to her daughter who looked ready to interrupt. “I know, Lex. I don’t want to do it, but it’s our policy.”

“What about the other girls?” Clarke asked, gently guiding Ontari to hold the ice pack to her eye again.

“They’ve been suspended until next Wednesday. I promise, Clarke, I’m thinking about Ontari’s best interest here.”

“I know,” Clarke sighed, looking at Ontari’s beat-up face once more and taking in her various new marks. “Can I take her home now?”

“She’s free to leave. Do you want me to call for Madi to get released too?” Indra asked, reaching for her phone.

“No, I’ll drive her home later,” Lexa spoke up, stopping her mom.

“Thank you,” Clarke said to her girlfriend who nodded and weakly smiled her way. “C’mon, honey,” Clarke turned her attention back to Ontari, standing up before allowing the teen to do the same. She swayed once more, and the two adults on either side of her reached to steady her.

“That’s the second time she’s gotten lightheaded. We need to watch for a concussion,” Lexa said as Ontari leaned against her for support.

“I should text Luna that she won’t make it to her game this weekend.”

“No,” Ontari said, standing up on her own and looking to Clarke. “I want to play.”

“Sweetheart, I don’t think so. Your eye is all swollen and Lexa’s right, you might have a concussion.”

“No, Clarke! I want to play on Sunday,” the teen argued, her emotions starting to bubble yet again.

“Okay, let’s take it day by day,” Clarke sighed, extending a hand to the teen. “Can I help you to the car?”

Ontari shook her head and started to walk ahead, leaving Clarke, Lexa, and Indra in the office.

“I’m so sorry this happened, Clarke,” Lexa said, to which the blonde shook her head and pulled her into an embrace.

“Thank you for helping her,” Clarke whispered into Lexa’s shoulder. “I’ll see you later,” she added before kissing her girlfriend goodbye and heading for the office door. “Thanks for giving her another chance, Indra.”

“She’s a good kid. I know that now,” Indra replied, to which Clarke weakly smiled and nodded. “I’ll see her on Monday.”

With that Clarke left the office and hurried after Ontari who was already standing by the car.

If Clarke weren’t so unsure, she would’ve pulled Ontari into a hug before unlocking the vehicle, but she decided against it. The teen had been through enough emotional turmoil today, and she didn’t want to add to it.

-----

“Her eye is bugging her,” Clarke said to Lexa as they sat on the bench and watched the game in front of them. Ontari struggled to keep an eye on the puck which, as a consequence, caused her to miss the opportunity to steal it more than once.

“I think Luna’s going to pull her soon. This game is going downhill,” Lexa sighed, cringing when Ontari angrily slapped her stick against the ice. “I can’t believe you even let her play.”

“You try fighting her on it. It was like pulling teeth,” Clarke sighed in exasperation. “Those stupid girls made her regress back into her shell. All she does is sulk and yell whenever given the chance.”

Lexa wasn’t sure what to say to that. Much rather, she rubbed a comforting hand over Clarke’s back and did her best to give Luna stares that would tell her to pull Ontari from the game.

The whistle blew and Luna motioned for her players to approach. As she spoke Ontari seemed to grow more agitated. Luna pointed behind herself when the teen seemed to show no signs of calming down, a telltale that she was putting her on the bench for the rest of the game.

Ontari didn’t argue, she simply got off the ice, chucked her stick to the floor, and took a seat on the bench with her arms crossed.

“Thank god,” Clarke sighed, rubbing her face in relief that Ontari was finally off the ice and away from the other girls who she could lash out on. “Maybe I should take her home before she says something stupid to Luna.”

“Luna can handle herself,” Lexa promised. “It’s better that Ontari learns from this experience and sits this one out.”

Clarke nodded and watched as her kid pulled her helmet and gloves off. The bruising around her eye and mouth was noticeable, even from a distance, and it clearly caught the attention of some of the other parents.

“Thank god she’s been taken out. Can’t have any loose screws like that on the ice,” one hockey dad laughed.

“Don’t,” Lexa warns, grabbing Clarke’s arm as she blonde prepared to give the man a piece of her mind. “You’ll only make things worse.”

“That’s my kid he’s talking about,” Clarke seethed to Lexa quietly, managing to shoot the man a glare before Lexa dug her nails into her arm slightly to stop her.

“I know. But if you make a scene then Ontari will only be more upset with you. Do you want that?”

Clarke huffed before she shook her head in the negative.

“Good. Now let’s just let the game finish and then we can all go home.”

-----

The game ended with team Polis losing by 1 point. Ontari felt like the loss was on her, and the walk back to the locker room was one full of shame.

As the girls began to remove their many layers, number 21, Shay, decided to acknowledge their first loss of the season.

“Hey Ontari. Next time you get the shit beat of you, maybe stay off the ice.”

“Shay, don’t start,” Adria, the team captain, warned. “We had the opportunity to pick it back up and we didn’t.”

“Yeah, because Popeye over there lost us like three points,” Shay replied.

“Shut it, Shay,” another player, Tris, called out. “We’ve all had bad days.”

Ontari remained silent and did her best to quickly undress and re-dress before Shay could give her more slack for the shitty game.

“I know that you’re Luna’s charity case, but I won’t let you destroy my season,” Shay sneered, making Ontari pause as she put her skates aside.

“Did you ever consider that losing wasn’t just on me? Your shit skating could’ve just as easily been the cause,” Ontari replied, making Shay stand up in a huff. Ontari got up as well in order to keep herself from seeming smaller.

“At least I can keep the fucking puck,” Shay retorted, which made Ontari clench her fists tightly and glare at the other girl. “Tell me Ontari, who made you this angry?” Shay asked rhetorically. “Was it your mom?”

“Don’t,” Ontari grit out.

“Your dad?”

“Shut up!”

“Wait you’re a foster kid. Maybe it was one of your foster daddies.”

“Fuck you, Shay,” Ontari said as she gave the girl a hard shove. It was enough to knock Shay backward, but not enough to take her off her feet.

“Touch me again, Norwood! See what happens!” Shay yelled, getting in Ontari’s face in hopes of eliciting another reaction. Ontari was prepared to swing when Shay started to threaten her some more. “You lay a hand on me and I will have you off this team faster than you can say-.”

“Enough!” Luna’s voice rang out, startling all of the girls in the room. Shay instantly backed down and raised her hands in surrender, but Ontari was not as quick to comply.

“Of course you back down like a little bitch,” Ontari yelled, starting to lunge for Shay, only to be stopped short by Luna who pulled her back. “Let me at her! She deserves to be drop kicked. Maybe it’ll fix her in the fucking head.”

“Ontari, enough!” Luna yelled again, effectively silencing the teen. “Come with me now,” the coach demanded. “I won’t repeat myself. Now, Norwood!”

Ontari shot Shay a nasty glare before complying and grabbing her bag, leaving the locker room in only her sports bra and hockey pants.

Luna led the teen away from the lobby of awaiting parents and towards the other end of the club. They arrived at an office that clearly belonged to Luna thanks to the picture she had hung up of her and her siblings all dressed in hockey gear.

“Sit down,” the coach said, motioning to a seat before dragging her own in front of it. “Do you want to tell me what that was about?”

“Nothing,” Ontari grumbled as she dropped her bag and sat on the seat with a huff.

“Don’t do that,” Luna said as she leaned forward in her seat and rested her elbows on her knees. “Don’t keep the reasons for your lashing out a secret because then you face the consequences while the other person walks free. Now tell me, what happened in there.”

Ontari chewed her lip and fiddled with her nose ring before deciding to speak again.

“She was blaming me for the loss. We started making jabs about each others playing and then she said something nasty about me. I lost my cool, okay?”

“But why did you lose your cool?” Luna pressed, her continuous gaze making Ontari uncomfortable.

“Because she said something nasty.”

“What did she say?” Luna continued.

“It’s not important-.”

“What did she say, Ontari.”

“Nothing!”

“Ontari-.”

“She said something about my anger being caused by a foster dad, okay?!” Ontari yelled out, tears welling in her eyes.

Luna sat back at that, doing her best to process what Ontari was alluding to.

“Was she right?”

“Does it matter?” Ontari snapped back, blinking back her tears.

“Ontari if someone-.”

“Look, suspend me, kick me off the team, I don’t give a fuck. But stop trying to dissect my childhood!”

Luna knew not to push any further. Much rather she looked around her office before her eyes landed on a hockey puck stress toy on her desk. The coach slid her chair over to grab it before returning to Ontari.

“I’m not taking you off the team, Ontari. You’re too valuable and clearly Shay had it coming her way. But I need you to control your temper. Not just in the locker room but on the ice as well. The second you become a danger to your teammates is the second I have to let you go, which I don’t want to do. So, take this, squeeze it until your hand cramps, and don’t let Shay get to you,” Luna said, placing the stress toy into the teen’s hand.

“I don’t need this,” Ontari sighed, moving to hand it back.

“Honey, I don’t know what you need at this point, but we need to start finding ways to stem this anger because it’ll bring you more trouble than you deserve in the future. So try that, please.”

Ontari nodded and gave the small toy a squeeze. It brought her little to no relief from the anger that still rolled around in her stomach.

“Ontari, you’re a good kid,” Luna said, placing a hand onto the teen’s knee. “I want to see you succeed here. Don’t let Shay, or anyone for that matter, stop you.”

“Okay,” Ontari agreed, nodding her head once more.

“Okay,” Luna repeated, standing up. “Finish getting changed in here. I’ve got to catch Shay and make sure that girl learns how to hold her tongue.”

Once Luna left the room, Ontari looked at the puck in her hand. The comment from Shay still swam around her brain. She clenched her fist tightly around the toy, making her knuckles turn bright red and then go white. She felt ready to explode with anger and the tears that started to fall felt like a catalyst.

With an angry cry, Ontari chucked the foam puck against the wall and watched it bounce back pathetically.

Despite its lack of destruction, Ontari could admit to feeling some relief. Enough so, that the teen was able to get dressed, gather her things, and pick up the foam puck before leaving Luna’s office.

-----

Later that evening, Clarke, Lexa, and Madi all sat in the living room to watch a movie. Ontari had been holed up in her room since they got home from the rink, and after what Luna quickly managed to tell them, it was clear she had a good reason for it.

Clarke felt her stomach twist when Luna mentioned something about one of Ontari’s previous foster dad’s, and it hadn’t come undone whatsoever, making the blonde incredibly uncomfortable all day long.

“Go check on her,” Lexa encouraged, having noticed her girlfriend’s occupied look all day.

“What?” Clarke asked, snapping out of her thoughts.

“Go check on Ontari. Madi and I can continue the movie together,” Lexa said, running a hand over Madi’s head as the little girl had tucked herself into her side.

“Okay,” Clarke agreed, getting up from her spot and heading for the stairs.

Clarke paused at Ontari’s door before giving it a light knock with her knuckles. When no response came, Clarke opened the door to find the room dark and Ontari hidden under her blankets.

With a sigh, the blonde approached the bed and took the blanket from the foot of it to drape over the sleeping teen. As she gently settled it over Ontari’s shoulders, the teen whimpered making Clarke’s heartbreak.

“Clarke,” the teen whispered in her sleep.

“I’m here, honey,” Clarke promised, brushing some of the girl’s hair back as she spoke.

“Stay,” Ontari said, her voice cracking.

“Always, baby,” Clarke said, taking a seat on the bed and continuing her gentle brushing of Ontari’s forehead and hair. “Always.”

Notes:

here's another chapter! it's very angsty and very dramatic, my two favourite things to write (therefore you should expect more of this).

I'll keep this note short and sweet, so thanks again for the kudos and comments. i love seeing how my story is being received.

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 13: she embraced the chaos

Notes:

"and she embraced the chaos as it painted her life with purpose" - JH Hard

Early March came quickly, and with it came the anniversary of Clarke’s dad’s passing. Despite their still unsteady relation, Clarke agreed to attend dinner with Abby, Marcus, and Raven to celebrate Jake.

Clarke didn’t even bother asking about an invitation for her girls or Lexa. Instead, she allowed Lexa to take the girls over to Gutus and Indra’s place for dinner while she went to her mother’s (though she knew she would’ve enjoyed one far more than the other).

At 7pm on the dot, Clarke knocked on the door of her childhood home. It felt more foreign to her than ever before, but she didn’t have time to dwell on it since Marcus opened the door and greeted her with a kind smile.

“Clarke! C’mon in,” Marcus said, stepping aside from the girl. “You know this is your home too. You don’t have to knock.”

“I prefer not to barge in,” Clarke replied as she kicked off her shoes and slipped her coat off to put into the closet.

“You wouldn’t be barging. Raven does it all the time.”

“Is she here yet?” Clarke asked, speaking of her friend.

“Almost. Your mom has everything set up in the yard, why don’t we head on out there?” Marcus asked, starting to lead the way. Clarke silently followed and took the time to look around the house. It hadn’t changed despite her many months of avoidance.

“How does a margarita sound?” Marcus asked before they stepped outside.

“I have to drive home later,” Clarke said, declining the offer.

“One won’t do any harm-.”

“I’d rather not. I have the girls to think about.”

“Good on you. You’ll make a fine mother someday,” Marcus praised. Clarke couldn’t help but flinch at the comment. She already was a mother the last time she checked.

“Clarke, so nice of you to join us,” Abby spoke up as her husband and daughter stepped outside.

“I’m doing it for dad,” Clarke said, allowing her mom to hug her but not returning the embrace.

“Right, well, margarita?”

“She’s driving,” Marcus said, already answering for Clarke.

“But one won’t hurt,” Abby said, to which her husband shook his head.

“I said the same thing. She’s worried about the girls.”

“Of course she is,” Abby sighed, moving back to the table that she was in the middle of setting.

“Really, mom, you want to start this again?” Clarke asked, exasperation in her tone.

“I’m not starting anything. I just thought it would be nice to celebrate your father with a drink.”

“Well, I hope he won’t mind that I celebrate him with water instead of alcohol.”

Before the tension could escalate, the sound of the side gate opening caught everyone’s attention.

“Hello, family. I brought booze!” Raven cheered, swinging the six-pack up high.

“None for Clarke. She’s driving,” Abby said snarkily.

“Really, mom. Watch a goddamn drinking & driving PSA.”

“I see I came at a good time,” Raven said as she handed the beers off to Marcus to put in the fridge.

“It’s not worth it,” Abby sighed. “Dinner’s ready.”

Clarke rolled her eyes at her mother while Raven raised her eyebrows in slight amusement.

Raven approached Clarke and gave her a proper hug in greeting before going and doing the same to Abby.

Marcus returned to the yard with a plate full of fries fresh from the oven. He set them down at the table while all of the women took their seats.

“Raven, would you like a margarita?” Marcus asked as he went over to the barbeque to remove the burgers.

“Maybe after dinner,” Raven said. “Thanks for the offer, though.”

“See, Clarke, that’s how you politely decline an offer,” Abby said, motioning to Raven.

“You really want me to drink, don’t you?” Clarke asked with mock humour in her voice.

“I won’t get into it with you again,” Abby said as she sipped her drink and accepted the burger Marcus handed her.

“So, Clarke, no girls tonight?” Raven asked, unknowingly adding to the tension.

“You know how mom feels about kids,” Clarke said, to which Abby shook her head.

“I love kids, you both know that. I can’t wait for the day that I have grandkids from the both of you running around here.”

Raven seemed to cringe more at that comment than Clarke did.

“That’s a little harsh,” Raven said.

“Why? What did I say wrong?” Abby asked, looking between both girls.

“Ontari and Madi are Clarke’s kids, honey,” Marcus explained, only to have Abby wave him off.

“Not her real kids.”

“What about Raven? Isn’t she your real kid?” Clarke asked.

“Of course she is. You know what I mean, Clarke.”

“I don’t. I really don’t, mom. I’ve had Ontari and Madi for almost a year now. I’ve cared for them, loved them, kept them safe; Does that not make me a mother?”

“If you were adopting them, then yes, it would, Clarke. But those are not your kids and they are not my grandchildren because someone will come and take them one day,” Abby said, making an awkward silence fall over the table. “I can’t believe you’re selfish enough to make the day dedicated to your father all about you,” Abby said in exasperation.

“Dad would’ve loved Ontari and Madi as his own no matter how long I had them for. He would’ve called me their mother.”

“Well, I’m sorry that he’s gone and I’m still here, then. By all means, feel free to go spend his anniversary with those girls,” Abby said, not even looking at her daughter anymore.

Clarke sighed and got up from her seat. She turned to leave before she pausing and looking back to her mother with tears falling down her cheeks.

“I’ve had a hell of a time raising these girls, mom. I’ve been yelled at, pushed, hit, and the entire time I wondered where the hell my own mom was to help me when I needed her.”

“No one forced you to become a foster parent, Clarke. That was your own choice,” Abby said.

“Yeah, well I’m glad I did it. Because despite all of that hard stuff, every time I look at them I feel a love I’ve never felt before. And while it kills me that someday I may not have them anymore, it kills me even more to think that you decided to miss out on this part of my life. They’re good kids and I’m a good mom. I just wish you could see that.”

With that Clarke left, leaving the other three adults to sit in an uncomfortable silence.

“Do you remember what you felt when I asked you to be my mom?” Raven asked Abby, which made the woman nod.

“Of course I do. I already loved you so much, but that question really made it for me. I felt the same love for you at that moment that I felt the first time I held Clarke in my arms.”

“Well, that’s what Clarke’s feeling. Ontari and Madi are more than just some foster kids. They’re her babies, just like Clarke and I are yours.”

Abby paused and mulled the words of her daughter over. A rush of sadness seemed to flood her when realization set in.

-----

Clarke knocked on the door of Gustus and Indra. As she waited for someone to answer, she quickly double-checked her makeup with her phone to make sure it hadn’t run while she cried on the drive over.

She heard the excited voice of Madi, as well as a bark from one of the dogs, before the door swung open to reveal an out of breath Lexa.

“Clarke, what’re you doing here?” Lexa asked, a smile breaking out on her face as she pulled her girlfriend in for a kiss.

“Things sort of blew up at my mom’s,” Clarke explained, allowing Lexa to pull her inside and shut the door behind her.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Lexa said, running her thumb along Clarke’s cheek, a clear sign that she knew Clarke had been crying.

“It’s okay. She made her choice and I’ve made mine,” Clarke said, nodding in finality. “How’re the girls?”

“Good. Madi and I were just playing with the dogs out back and Ontari’s helping my parents with the dishes. Have you had anything to eat?” Lexa asked, leading Clarke into the kitchen where Gustus was scrubbing plates and serving dishes, Indra was rinsing, and Ontari was drying them.

“I’m not hungry,” Clarke replied, which caught Indra’s attention.

“Clarke, how’re you doing?” Indra asked, turning off the tap and taking the drying rag from Ontari, offering a thanks to the girl before telling her she was free to go outside with Madi.

“I’m good, Indra. How’re you?”

“Good, good. What happened with the dinner with your mom?”

Clarke sighed and made an explosion noise along with a hand motion, answering Indra’s question.

“I see. Would you like something to eat? Drink? I was about to give the girls some cupcakes for dessert if you want one.”

“That’s really kind of you, but I’m not feeling so great right now. Thank you for spoiling the girls so much, though.”

“I love to do it,” Indra waved off, only making Clarke shake her head. The blonde approached and hugged Indra, conveying how much it meant for her to act as a grandmother to the girls that many claim weren’t even apart of the family.

“I really appreciate it,” Clarke said as Indra hugged her back.

Sensing that it ran deeper, Indra hugged the blonde back just a bit harder before letting her go.

“Why don’t you two go outside with the girls? I’ll find Gustus and bring out the cupcakes in a little bit.”

Clarke and Lexa nodded, taking each other’s hands before walking out back where Ontari was sprawled out on the grass with Nova while Rigel chased Madi around.

“Mama!” Madi yelled happily, running towards the blonde and raising her arms for a big hug. Clarke effortlessly scooped up the almost seven-year-old and pressed a loving kiss on her cheek before setting her down.

“What happened to your dinner?” Ontari asked as Clarke and Lexa joined her on the picnic blanket.

“I left early,” Clarke said, lightly brushing some hair from Ontari’s face, and smiling to herself when the girl didn’t shoo her off. “I’d prefer to celebrate my dad’s life with you guys anyways.”

Ontari nodded and looked ahead of herself before getting up and heading inside the house.

“Where is she off to?” Clarke asked, watching the teen go into the kitchen.

“Don’t know,” Lexa said with a shrug, grunting when Madi threw herself on top of her with a giggle. “Goodness, didn’t that running tucker you out?”

“Nope!” Madi replied, squealing when Nova crawled closer and licked her face.

“Nova,” Gustus laughed from the distance. “You’re going to get slobber in that poor girl’s hair.”

“I know how to wash it by myself now,” Madi said matter-of-factly.

“Well congratulations,” Gustus said, sitting beside his daughter on the blanket.

“Clarke’s still trying to recover from being fired as official hair washer,” Lexa said, making Gustus laugh and nod.

“Watching them grow up is the hardest part of being a parent. Don’t worry, you’ll only cry a little,” Gutus said, patting Clarke’s shoulder kindly.

“Oh, she cried,” Lexa promise, now taking the opportunity to tease her girlfriend.

“Who cried?” Indra asked, joining them on the blanket and leaning against her husband.

“Clarke when Madi learned how to wash her own hair.”

“Only a little,” Clarke argued.

“Don’t worry, Clarke. I cried when Gaia told me she could wash her own hair too. It’s like she tore a piece of my heart away.”

“See, I am not the only one,” Clarke said, mainly to Lexa who was giggling up a storm.

“Just wait for the day she gets something like gum stuck in her hair and comes crying to you to wash it out,” Indra said, giving a pointed look to Lexa.

“Hey! That was one time,” Lexa said, making Clarke and her parents laugh.

“You were also 20. Lord only knows how you managed to get gum stuck in your hair as an adult,” Indra said, rolling her eyes playfully.

“Very easily actually. Just be in a car and hit a speed bump too fast. It really isn’t that hard.”

Clarke seemed to laugh a bit harder at that, making Lexa smile proudly. She preferred to see her girlfriend laughing than being distraught like a few minutes ago.

“Hey, where’s Ontari?” Lexa asked.

“And the cupcakes?” Madi followed up with, making Gustus shake his head with a smile.

“On her way out. She said she wanted to do something special.”

Not thirty seconds later, Ontari was walking out with the plate of cupcakes, one hand raised to block something.

As she approached, the glow of candles became more apparent, and as she knelt down to reveal them Clarke couldn’t help the tears of appreciation that welled in her eyes.

“I know that someone’s death isn’t something to sing about, but you said you wanted to celebrate your dad’s life. What better way to do that then to make a wish and blow out some candles?” Ontari asked, looking to Clarke who smiled warmly at her.

“That is so thoughtful of you, sweetheart. My dad would’ve loved this,” Clarke said, reaching out to give one of Ontari’s hands a squeeze.

“Make a wish,” Ontari urged, sliding the plate a bit closer to Clarke.

The blonde stared at the flickering candles for a beat, closed her eyes, and then blew them out.

“What’d you wish for, mama?” Madi asked, looking up to Clarke with a thoughtful gaze.

“If she tells you it won’t come true,” Lexa reminded, giving the six-year-old’s tummy a tickle.

“Lexa’s right,” Clarke said, brushing back the child’s crazy hair. “But I promise, it was a good wish.”

-----

For almost an hour, the small family laid around the backyard and ate cupcakes while watching the night sky past the twinkle lights that were hung up.

Madi had fallen asleep in Lexa’s arms, and Ontari had laid close enough to Clarke to allow for the blonde to gently run her fingers up and down her arm, a soothing action that almost lulled the teen to sleep.

Clarke and Lexa were deep into a discussion about a camping trip over spring break when Indra poked her head out of the kitchen and told Clarke that there was someone at the door for her.

“I wonder who that could be,” Clarke said, getting up from her spot and heading into the house.

“In the foyer,” Indra instructed as Clarke walked in, making the younger woman nod and head in that direction.

When Clarke arrived at the front door she faltered in step at the sight of her mother.

“Clarke, Raven told me you’d be here.”

“What do you want?” Clarke asked, feeling her once happy disposition slip away.

“I’ve been thinking. I may have been too quick to judge you and your situation.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Clarke bit back, already feeling the tears welling in her eyes.

“You have to understand that this is all new for me too. At the beginning, all of your calls to me were about troubles you were having with Ontari and I just knew that you weren’t happy, which made me resentful. I want you to be happy all the time, Clarke, and I guess I let that dictate how I thought of Madi and Ontari. I thought that they were robbing you of the chance to be content,” Abby explained, looking down shamefully.

“They weren’t robbing me of anything, mom. They had their childhoods taken from them. I was trying my best to help them find it again. And I know my calls weren’t great, but they were my way of seeking help from you, not as your child but as a mother who needed advice.”

“I see that now,” Abby conceded.

“Do you? Because less than two hours ago you were saying that I wasn’t a real mother and that those weren’t my children.”

“Two hours ago I didn’t know how much you loved them. When I became a parent, I vowed to love the things that you loved most. I have faltered, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like a second chance. I want to be apart of your life, Clarke. That also means I want to be apart of their life as well.”

Clarke sighed and tried her best to wipe her tears as they fell. “You’ve missed out on so much,” Clarke sobbed, making tears well in her own mother’s eyes. “My life has changed so much, and you didn’t want to see it happen.”

“I want to now. I really do. Please, Clarke,” Abby said, stepping closer. “Please. Let me try this again.”

Clarke thought it over for a beat before weakly nodding and allowing her mother to pull her into an embrace.

“I know your dad would’ve gotten this right from the beginning. But I think today is a good day to try to start again,” Abby said as she held her daughter close.
Clarke nodded as well and pulled back, wiping her cheeks and sniffling back her tears.

“In that case, I want you to meet someone,” Clarke said, taking Abby’s hand and leading her to the back of the house.

Together, they stepped into the yard and gained the attention of Lexa who was in the midst of continuing the soothing stroking of Ontari’s arm that Clarke had previously stopped.

By the looks of it, both girls were now fast asleep, a sight that made Abby smile lightly.

“Mom, this is Lexa. My girlfriend. Lexa, this is my mom, Abby,” Clarke introduced the two, reaching for Madi while Lexa got to her feet to properly greet the older woman.

As Clarke held Madi in her arms, she watched her mother and girlfriend shake hands for the first time.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Lexa kindly said, making Abby agree and return the sentiment.

“Thank you for being there for my daughter when I wasn’t,” Abby said, looking between Lexa and her daughter who was lovingly holding to the little girl.

“She’s great,” Lexa said, winking at Clarke who blushed. “A real supermom if you ask me.”

“Motherhood suits you, Clarke,” Abby said, smiling kindly as she looked at Madi’s face.

“It really does,” Lexa agreed.

-----

Despite the compliments from the night before, Clarke couldn’t help but feel like motherhood was testing her the next morning.

It was a Sunday, and while she would’ve liked to sleep in, her girls’ early night caused them to have an early morning.

The blonde awoke to the sound of an extremely loud movie playing downstairs and the smell of something cooking. In fear that Madi had turned on the stove, Clarke all but jumped out of bed and tore her way downstairs to find the kitchen in a state of disarray with Ontari and Madi to match. The girls were in the midst of scooping some type of batter onto a pan when the doorbell rang, making all three people look to the stairs.

“What is going on here?” Clarke asked, ignoring the doorbell for a second to figure out why the girls were covered in egg and flour.

“We’re making pancakes,” Madi proudly stated before pointing to the TV. “And watching, Princess and the Frog!”

The doorbell rang again, reminding them of the person at the door.

“Someone should get that,” Ontari said cheekily as she licked some batter off of her finger and set the bowl aside.

“Clean this up, please,” Clarke sighed, motioning to her whole kitchen before she went down to answer the door. Her heart all but stopped when she pulled it open to find Simone waiting there.

“Shi--- hi, Simone. What brings you around?” Clarke asked, casually reaching up to brush her fingers through her short hair and salvage what little respect she had from the woman.

“Random home check,” Simone said, doing a once over of Clarke’s pyjama short/tank top ensemble.

“On a Sunday?” Clarke asked, cringing when something fell above them. Simone’s eyes glanced up in question before she looked back at Clarke.

“Yes. Sunday counts as a random day too. May I come in?” Simone asked, to which Clarke nodded.

“Of course,” the blonde said, sporting the best fake smile she could while thinking of various ways she could get the girls to clean things up before they got up there.

In hindsight, that only happened in movies, which means that Simone was about to see the chaos that Clarke hadn’t fully wrapped her head around either.

“Do you always let the girls watch movies at that volume?” Simone asked as she slipped her shoes off and grabbed a notepad from her bag.

“Not typically. No,” Clarke said, starting to walk up the stairs. “In fact, I’ll ask them to put it down right now.”

Clarke rushed up a bit faster than Simone, mouthed something to Ontari and Madi about cutting out the cooking, before she finally grabbed the remote and muted the movie.

“Busy morning?” Simone asked when she arrived in the kitchen, already writing something down in her notepad.

“Just making some pancakes,” Ontari said nonchalantly, keeping her back to her social worker as she flipped pancakes.

“I can see that. Does it usually get this messy when you cook?” Simone asked Clarke who shook her head negatively.

“Nope. I keep a clean space unlike these two,” Clarke said, once again forcing a smile as she moved around the kitchen in an attempt to restore it to its previous glory.

“So they’re making stuff over a hot stove without supervision?” Simone pressed.

“No way!” Clarke said, awkwardly laughing as she hip-butted Ontari to the side and took the spatula from her.

“Hey-,” Ontari started to argue, only to have Clarke shoot her a pleading glance.

“I let them handle the preparation of the batter. You know kids when they see flour.”

“It’s like snow,” Madi said before shoving her fist into the flour bag that was still on the counter.

“Okay, that’s enough,” Clarke awkwardly laughed, handing the spatula back to Ontari before rushing to Madi and lifting her off of the chair and away from the flour. “See what I mean?” Clarke asked Simone as she took a rag and wiped Madi’s hands clean.

“Mmh-hmm,” the social worker said, clearly unamused by the chaos. “I need to check their room.”

“Of course you do,” Clarke whispered under her breath as she led the woman upstairs to the room that was no-doubt still a mess.

“The beds aren’t going to get made?” Simone asked, writing more in her notebook.

“It’s barely 8am, Simone. Please cut me some slack,” Clarke all but begged, rubbing her face in both exhaustion and embarrassment.

“This is the longest visit I’ve had without Ontari saying something insulting to me,” Simone said, making Clarke look at her. “And every time I came here she was always hiding in her room, today she wasn’t. Madi has not questioned if I’m going to take them from the home. And for the first time ever, your home looks like you actually have two kids living in it.”

“I’m sorry, I’m still waking up and I’m very confused,” Clarke said, not entirely able to wrap her head around what Simone was saying.

“This is an improvement in my eyes, Clarke. I know it’s 8am and you weren’t expecting this visit, but I can promise you, you aren’t failing it. These are major changes. You’re doing a great job.”

“Oh, thank god,” Clarke sighed out, allowing herself to sit on the edge of Ontari’s bed for a minute. “I thought this was going to be it. I really did.”

“I’m not going to punish you for having a messy home, or for letting the girls watch movies too loud, or for letting them make pancakes on a Sunday morning.”

Clarke laughed and took a deep breath, relieved to hear that things looked good in Simone’s eyes.

“I’ll get out of your hair, Clarke. My only suggestion: no kids near a hot stove. It never ends well.”

“Speaking of,” Clarke said, pointing downstairs. “I have some pancakes to help make.”

Notes:

here's some clarke and abby drama. and here is some chaotic domestic family fluff.

my apologies if these chapters come out a bit late on their posting dates for this following week, but i'm away at a lake until monday and my mornings are busy with outdoor activities. nonetheless, i promise to keep up and get you your chapters every monday, wednesday, friday, and saturday.

as a side note, i just want to clarify that i'm not trying to villainize abby here. i love her character in the 100 and i think she is a great mother on the show. for this story, however, i wanted to draw in a very real reality that foster kids face of not being accepted by extended family. hence, abby and octavia are my go-to characters for this as they are already set up to be very stubborn, and therefore can play these roles really well. despite that, i love both abby and octavia with all my heart (hell, i even named my dog octavia - true story) but i felt like it flowed best if i wrote their characters this way.

as always, thanks for taking the time to read, comment, and leave your kudos. i appreciate it all.

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 14: when love finally works

Notes:

"it's a terrifying thing when love finally works" - JH Hard

The first day of Spring Break would’ve been something to celebrate, however, the family of three found very little joy in it as it was 4am and they were all shuffling around the house like zombies in an attempt to get ready to go camping.

As Clarke struggled to get herself dressed for the day, she had the added pressure of getting Madi ready as well seeing as she little girl was an over-emotional lump who refused to get up.

Ontari, on the other hand, went about getting ready while chugging cups of coffee.

By 5, they managed to get themselves ready and downstairs with all of their bags piled up at the door. Not five minutes later there was a knock that startled Clarke who had fallen asleep while leaning against the wall. The blonde opened the door to reveal Lexa who looked chipper as ever.

“Who’s ready to go camping?” the older woman asked, faltering at the sight of her girlfriend who was leaning against the door, and the two girls that were asleep on the stairs. “Wow, you guys look rough.”

“Not morning people,” Clarke reminded, reaching down for some of the bags to bring to Lexa’s car.

“No kidding. Let me help you,” Lexa said, taking the bags from Clarke and bringing them to her parked station wagon. Another trip later and she had the car set to go. All she had to do was get her now sleeping girlfriend and the two girls in it. “Rise n’ shine,” Lexa hummed, giving the three people on the stairs gentle shakes, making all of them snap awake. “Do you have everything you need?” Lexa asked as she helped the group get to their feet.

“More coffee,” Ontari mumbled as she pointed behind herself.

“No more for her. She had like six cups,” Clarke said, her words slurring slightly.

“Sure doesn’t look like it,” Lexa said, taking Clarke’s keys to lock up the house before ushering the girls down to the car and making sure they all got buckled in.

By the time Lexa situated herself in the driver’s seat, Clarke, Madi, and Ontari all managed to fall back asleep, filling the car with their breathing and some light snores.

Lexa laughed and rolled her eyes before starting the engine and heading in the direction of the mountains.

-----

Five hours later, the group arrived at their camping spot; a secluded little patch that was clear of trees and had straight access to a small body of water. It was perfect for their mini getaway.

Clarke and Lexa got to work setting up the tents while Ontari kept Madi busy picking flowers along the tree line.

“I like the difference that some sleep has on you,” Lexa commented as she ran a pole through the tent.

“Remind me again why we had to leave at 5am?” Clarke asked, glancing behind herself to make sure the girls were in her line of sight before returning her attention to Lexa.

“Because traffic. And I also wanted to optimize our time here together,” Lexa explained, making Clarke audibly aww.

“You’re the cutest softie ever,” the blonde gushed, giving Lexa’s face a squeeze before kissing her.

“You’re going to ruin my street cred,” Lexa said between kisses, making Clarke laugh.

“What street cred?” Clarke asked before turning away to get started on the other tent.

“That’s just rude, Clarke Griffin,” Lexa said, using one of the tent poles to hit Clarke’s butt.

The blonde simply wiggled her hips teasingly before stepping out of reach.

The two adults managed to set up the tents with less banter and were relieved to finally have someplace for themselves and the girls to sleep that night (though Lexa did suggest that if all else fails they could’ve slept in her car).

“Who wants to go swimming?” Lexa called out, gaining the attention of Madi and Ontari. Madi had fists full of flowers, which she excitedly ran over to Clarke and Lexa to show off.

“Aren’t they pretty?” Madi asked, handing a bundle to each woman.

“They are,” Lexa agreed, smelling her small handful of wildflowers.

“Thank you for picking them for us, sweetheart. But let’s leave the other flowers alone, okay?” Clarke asked, knowing very well it would be wasteful to allow her child to pluck every flower in sight.

“Okay,” Madi agreed, before skipping back over to her sister.

“No one answered my question,” Lexa reminded, already shimmying out of her clothes to reveal the bikini she was wearing underneath. “Anyone want to see how warm the water is?”

“I’m good,” Ontari said as she rummaged in her duffle bag for something.

“I wanna go,” Madi said, also removing her clothes to reveal her swimsuit.

“Wait, Mads. I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Ontari said, grabbing the hand of her little sister. “What if you sit with me and read?”

“I’ll watch her,” Lexa promised, making Ontari look at her.

“I packed a lifejacket for her,” Clarke said, going to the trunk of the car and pulling out the brand-new vest. “See, Ontari. She’ll be completely safe with Lexa and this thing.”

Ontari chewed her lip and looked between the two older women and her little sister.

“Just not too deep,” Ontari said, her eyes pleading with Lexa and Clarke to listen to her.

“Of course. I’ll be careful with her,” Lexa said as Clarke quickly grabbed some sunscreen to lather on the little girl.

While Lexa and Clarke got Madi ready for the water, Ontari took her towel and her sketch pad and went to sit on the dock. Despite the warm sun hitting her, the girl made no move to undress into a swimsuit in fear that someone might catch sight of her scar.

Ontari started a fresh sketch as Lexa, Clarke, and Madi slowly stepped into the cold water, all of them giggling at the chill as they ventured forward.

“Look, Tari! I’m swimming,” Madi called out as she began to doggy paddle in the water, Clarke and Lexa still on either side of her as they stood in the water that was now up to their chests.

“I see you, Mads,” Ontari promised, smiling kindly at her little sister before returning to her sketch.

-----

When dinner time rolled around, Lexa got a fire started and began to cook some hot dogs over the hot flames.

Clarke and Madi sat on a log in front of the fire, the two bundled in a blanket while Madi told Clarke and Lexa an animated tale with her hands moving around excitedly.

Ontari had stepped away to use the nearby outhouse and was likely on her way back when a loud cry was heard in the bush.

“Fuck!” Ontari’s voice clearly cried out, making Clarke and Lexa stand up quickly to get to her.

“What happened?” Clarke asked as Ontari emerged from the bush clenching her hand tightly.

“Nothing,” the teen grit out, heading for her tent. The sight of a small blood trail slipping past her clenched fingers told Clarke it was definitely not nothing.

“Let me see it,” the blonde said, stepping in front of the teen and attempting to grab her hand.

“It’s fine,” Ontari argued, trying to keep her hand away from Clarke. “I just need a bandaid.”

“Just let me help,” Clarke practically begged, making Ontari stop her fighting briefly to look her in the eye.

The teen seemed to give in as she opened her hand to reveal a large surface scratch along her palm and thumb.

“How’d this happen?” Clarke asked, gently holding the hand and examining the wound to see if it needed stitches. Thankfully, it wasn’t deep enough by Clarke’s evaluation.

“I slipped and tried to grab a tree. Unfortunately, a sharp branch got in the way,” Ontari explained, hissing when Clarke tried to turn her hand to the side to check her thumb.

“C’mon. We need to clean this out. Lex, you got Madi?”

"Yup,” Lexa promised, offering a thumbs up. Clarke nodded and began to lead the teen towards the car where they had the first aid kit.

The blonde quickly grabbed the kit along with a collapsible chair and set both things up by the open trunk.

“Sit down,” Clarke said, patting the trunk’s rear for Ontari. The teen complied and took a seat, while Clarke placed herself on the camping chair and grabbed the bottle of hydrogen peroxide. “This is going to sting,” Clarke warned as she held Ontari’s bleeding hand and aimed the top of the bottle towards it.

“Whatever,” Ontari said, looking away in hopes of not letting Clarke see the panic in her eyes. The searing pain that followed Clarke’s dousing of her hand almost sent Ontari back to the day that Mark cleaned her rib wound. Thankfully, the pain didn’t last nearly as long thanks to Clarke’s quick thinking to blow on it.

“Good girl,” Clarke praised absentmindedly, reaching for a piece of gauze to lap up some of the blood spots that were harder to rinse. After double-checking for any splinters in the wound, Clarke grabbed a bottle of ointment and put a generous amount over the wound before grabbing more gauze and a wrap.

As Clarke cared for Ontari’s hand, the teen couldn’t help the painful twist her stomach did at how motherly Clarke’s touches were. She felt safe and cared for, and Ontari swore she’d never let anyone but her own mother treat her that way.

But here Clarke was, blowing on her wound to make it sting less while gently wrapping it with white bandage. She didn’t care that bloody water dripped onto her leg, or that she had to stop what she was doing to help. All she cared about was Ontari.

And that nearly broke the teen’s heart.

“There,” Clarke whispered in finality, tapping off the end of the gauze before leaning forward to press a loving kiss to the now wrapped up palm of Ontari.

Ontari quickly wiped a lone tear that tumbled down her cheek before retracting her hand and standing up.

“Thanks,” was all the teen could supply, despite every fiber of her being telling her to hug Clarke.

“I’m glad I could help,” Clarke said, offering a kind smile as she gathered the small pile of trash she accumulated. “Why don’t you head back to the fire, yeah?”

Ontari nodded and headed back to her sister and Lexa who were starting to put hotdogs into buns.

“Just in time,” Lexa smiled when the teen approached, handing over a plate of food. “How’s your hand?”

“Fine,” Ontari said, taking her plate and sitting on the log next to Madi.

“Did a bear bite you?” Madi asked as she took a large bite of her food.

“No, Madi, a bear didn’t bite me,” Ontari said, shaking her head and laughing a bit at the six-year-olds antics.

“Good. Cause then he’ll want to eat the rest of you up.”

“Who’s going to eat who up?” Clarke asked, arriving to the campfire and taking the plate that Lexa extended to her.

“A bear is gonna eat Ontari,” Madi explained.

“I hope not,” Clarke said as she sat next to Lexa on the log opposite of the girls. “We’d miss her, wouldn’t we?”

“Yeah. It’s a good thing a bear didn’t bite her,” Madi said before tapping Ontari’s shoulder and encouraging the teen to lean down a bit so she could whisper the last bit in her ear. “Just to be safe I’m gonna set a bear trap tonight. It’s a secret, though.”

Ontari nodded and put a finger to her lips in solidarity, which Madi copied.

“Uh-oh, they’re plotting something,” Lexa said, making Madi giggle.

“Don’t worry. No one’s gonna get hurt,” Madi promised.

-----

The next morning, Lexa woke up and felt Clarke’s warm breath on her neck. The brunette smiled when she recalled Clarke crawling into her sleeping bag a few hours before with the claim that she was too cold to sleep on her own.

Lexa pressed a light kiss to Clarke’s forehead and laid there a bit longer before the screaming of her bladder was too much to ignore. With careful movements, Lexa pulled herself out from under her girlfriend, only eliciting some groaning from Clarke, before she was eventually freed.

It was still early in the morning, barely 7am, which meant the sun was just starting to rise.

Lexa sleepily made her way towards the outhouse, being mindful of her step since Ontari slipped on something the previous day.

Just as Lexa reached the outhouse, her foot landed on something extremely sticky. Looking down, she found her foot had ended up on a paper plate doused in honey with a paper stuck under a rock close by.

Picking up the paper, Lexa found Madi’s crayoned scribble which read: This is NOT a bear trap

With a small laugh and a sigh, Lexa turned around and walked her way back to the camp, the plate of honey still stuck to her foot.

Being slightly distracted, Lexa didn’t notice the smooth rock that went downwards, nor did she have any sense to balance herself before she fell, causing the woman to go down with a surprised yelp.

Just as she got up and dusted her sleep pants off, Lexa heard the distinct sound of Clarke calling out her name.

“Baby, are you okay?” Clarke called again.

“I’m fine! I found the rock that Ontari slipped on,” Lexa explained as she emerged from the tree line, the plate of honey still stuck to her foot.

“What’s that?” Clarke asked, pointing to Lexa’s foot.

“Madi left a bear trap,” Lexa explained, holding up the note.

“And you stepped in it?”

“Yup,” Lexa agreed.

“With a barefoot?” Clarke continued, making Lexa furrow her eyebrows in confusion.

“Yeah…”

“Lexa, why on earth are you walking barefoot through the woods?”

“Because I had to pee and putting on shoes took too long,” Lexa said, pouting as if it would make her point more justifiable.

“I don’t know if I should be more grossed out or amused,” Clarke said, taking the note from Lexa and reading Madi’s scribble. “I’ve got to give it to her. This girl’s got tact.”

“My bear trap!” Madi said from the opening of her tent, making both women look her way. “Did it work? Did I catch a bear?”

“No, sweetheart. You caught a Lexa,” Clarke said, laughing when the girl pouted.

“Oh man! I thought my note would convince a bear to get stuck in the honey.”

“A+ for effort there, kiddo,” Lexa said as she peeled the sticky plate from her foot.

“Madi, did you use all of our honey?” Clarke asked as she took the plate from Lexa.

“Bears are really big, mama. I needed enough honey to catch one.”

“So that’s a yes,” the blonde said, rolling her eyes as she did her best not to laugh. “I guess it’s a sugar in my tea kind of morning.”

“I’ll come help you with the fire in a moment. I just need to quickly clean my foot.”

“I’ll help you!” Madi said, running after Lexa towards the water.

Lexa playfully scooped the girl up and spun her around as she stepped into the water, making Madi squeal excitedly.

“No swimming yet you two!” Clarke called out from the camp, though it came a bit too late as Lexa stepped backwards, lost her balance, and ended up sitting in the shallows with Madi who continued to laugh hysterically. “Why do I even bother.”

“Whoopsie,” Lexa laughed with Madi who started to playfully splash the water around them.

-----

Clarke sat by the fire and sipped her tea while she watched Lexa and Madi play in the water. They had managed to eat breakfast and change into their swimsuits despite the morning mishaps and the blonde had finally released them to resume their antics while she waited for Ontari to wake up.

It was nearing 9am when Clarke heard a tent zipper opening. She turned her attention to find Ontari emerging, still slightly bleary-eyed and her hair a muck over her head.

“Morning, sleepyhead. Would you like something for breakfast?” Clarke asked, already pouring out a cup of coffee for the teen who made her way over to the log and accepted the extended mug.

“I’m okay,” Ontari said, sitting next to Clarke before she mixed in some sugar and milk into her coffee.

“How’d you sleep?” Clarke asked as she gently sorted out some of Ontari’s hair.

“Fine. Madi slept in my bag with me.”

“Did she let you sleep?” Clarke pressed a bit, hoping to keep the teen talking.

“Yeah. I only took a foot to the rib once, but I was fine,” Ontari said, laughing lightly before she sipped her coffee.

“Could’ve been worse. Could’ve been a foot to the face,” Clarke said, laughing with Ontari.

“She’s gotten you with that one?” Ontari asked, to which Clarke nodded. “Thank you,” Ontari said, making Clarke furrow her eyebrows in confusion. “You’re the first foster parent that’s let her sleep with them and willingly puts up with the kicking.”

Clarke smiled weakly at her foster daughter, fighting the urge to feel sad for the girls and their unfortunate childhoods.

“For what it’s worth, I love having you two around,” Clarke promised, giving Ontari’s forearm a gentle squeeze.

“You’re just saying that,” Ontari sighed, looking at Clarke’s hand.

Before Clarke could respond, a wet little body was hugging Ontari from behind, surprising the teen slightly.

“What the-.”

“Come swimming with Lexa and me!” Madi said, making Ontari laugh when she realized who it was.

“Maybe later, Mads,” Ontari said, setting her coffee down and turning slightly so she could pull Madi over the log and onto her lap.

“But it’s so warm,” Madi attempted to intrigue her sister.

“I wouldn’t say warm,” Lexa said, wrapping herself in a towel while she handed a second one to Clarke who wrapped Madi up.

“I think it’s a good idea to take a break for now, yeah?” Clarke suggested, using the towel to rub up and down Madi’s arms.

“We could go for a hike,” Lexa suggested, to which the blonde nodded.

“Maybe I can catch a bear!” Madi exclaimed, jumping off of Ontari’s lap and looking to the three people excitedly.

“Let’s hope not,” Lexa laughed, taking a seat next to Clarke.

“Would you guys mind if I stayed here and sketched?” Ontari asked, making Clarke and Lexa look at each other briefly.

“I don’t see why not,” Clarke shrugged, deciding they were in a safe enough location that still had cell service in case Ontari needed help.

“We’ll leave you a walkie talkie in case we lose service,” Lexa said, making Ontari nod. “We should get ready then. The sooner we leave the sooner we can be back for lunch.”

Ontari continued to enjoy her coffee while the other three got ready for their short hike. Just as the teen set herself by the water with her sketchpad, Clarke and Lexa had approached her with few things at hand.

“Here’s the walkie talkie, sunblock, and pepper spray,” Lexa said, setting everything down next to Ontari.

“Pepper spray?” Ontari asked, picking up the canister.

“In case of bears,” Clarke said.

“There are no bears around here,” Ontari argued.

“That’s what I said,” Lexa said as she looked at Clarke.

“I just want you to be safe. That’s all,” Clarke said, to which Ontari nodded.

“Thanks. Have a nice hike,” Ontari said, setting the spray aside and opening her sketchpad to the one she started yesterday.

“We’ll be back soon,” Clarke promised, before taking Lexa’s hand and leading her back towards Madi who had found a large stick which she declared to be her walking stick.

Once the voices become distant and then entirely non-existent, Ontari breathed out a sigh of relief and pulled her black tank top off, revealing the sports bra she had on underneath.

She set her sketchpad aside, laid back, and allowed the warm sun to wash over her torso. Ontari couldn’t remember the last time she felt that good.

Notes:

here's a fluffy clexa family camping trip. i think you all deserve it before i throw you some more emotional turmoil.

i hope you caught onto my madi/bear trap bit. clearly, it was less aggressive and had less child from hell vibes, but it's still little madi with her bear trap.

i cannot express how excited i am about the chapters that i'm producing on my end. all i can say is that you are all in for one hell of a ride.

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 15: in your worst moment

Notes:

"as tragic as it seems
as hurtful as it feels
if they gave up on your
in your worst moment
they never really loved you"
- unknown

After five days in the woods, Lexa, Clarke, and the girls returned home with sun-kissed cheeks and mosquito bites all over. Despite the rocky last day, they could all agree it was a successful, and satisfying getaway.

Presently, however, their peaceful getaway was rudely brought back to reality by a sick Ontari.

Clarke wasn’t sure if it was something the teen ate, or a flu she managed to catch, but Ontari was a sick mess over their last night and a miserable passenger on the ride back home.

To make things worse, the teen seemed entirely opposed to receiving any help, and opted to hide in the bathroom the second Lexa pulled up to the front of the house.

“I have to head to my place to put some stuff away, but I can pick up some flu medicine on my way back,” Lexa said as she helped Clarke organize the dirty clothes into appropriate laundry piles.

“That’s sweet of you. If I give you some cash maybe you can grab some more things for her like soup and ginger ale?” Clarke asked, to which Lexa shook her head in the negative.

“I can buy whatever you need, but I won’t take your money.”

“Lexa-.”

“Nope. It’s bad enough that you have to put up with Ontari’s anger again. The least I can do is buy some groceries to help lessen her blow.”

Clarke smiled and pulled Lexa into an embrace, kissing her neck as they held onto each other closely.

“Have I said that I loved you today?” Clarke sighed, making Lexa laugh.

“Once or twice,” the brunette promised as she gently brushed her nails under Clarke’s shirt.

“Before you head out, what do you say to a shower?” Clarke asked, pulling back from the embrace and nodding her head towards the stairs.

“Tempting. But what about Madi?”

“When that girl naps, she naps hard. It’ll take a tornado tearing the roof off of this house to wake her up.”

“And Ontari?” Lexa followed up, making Clarke sigh.

“Well, as she so kindly put it, she can ‘puke her guts out without my pathetic excuse for help.’”

“I take it this shower would help pick you up a bit?” Lexa asked, smirking at Clarke who nodded.

“All I want it a real, hot shower, with actual shampoo, conditioner, and soap. And you, of course.”

“Okay,” Lexa agreed, kissing Clarke once more before releasing her hips and taking her hand. “Let’s get cleaned up then.”

-----

Upstairs, Ontari heaved into the toilet twice before attempting to take a calming breath.

Her whole body was practically shaking at this rate, and a small part of her felt guilty for pushing Clarke away so rudely, but she had her fair reasons for it.

As she still maintained a semi-controlled breathing pattern, Ontari couldn’t help but remember the first time she’d gotten sick in a foster home.

 

Sharon and Paul Fortwright were one of the better families for all intents and purposes. They fed, clothed, and sheltered the girls, which was already far better than some of the other families managed to supply.

An added bonus: the doted on Madi like she was their real child. Who could resist a wide-eyed three-year-old after all?

Ontari, 12-years-old and still a bit naïve about how to analyze and understand different foster parents, was unsure of herself and hesitant, which made her less likable to the adults.

They agreed to take in both girls, but it was clear which one they favoured more (not that it bothered Ontari, so long as Madi was safe).

They’d been in and out of foster care for two years now, their mother having issues with things that still remained unclear to Ontari. All she knew was that this home wasn’t permanent and that her mom would come back for them soon.

Four months in, Ontari woke up with a splitting headache and aggressive cramping in her stomach. She felt like she was dying, and did the only thing that felt natural; she cried and sought out the comfort of her foster parents.

Sharon awoke first, clearly not pleased with the sniffling of Ontari as she sat up and glared at the child.

“What is the matter with you?” Sharon hissed, getting out of bed and swinging a robe over her shoulders. She approached Ontari, who was still hiccupping as she held her stomach, and grabbed her upper arm tightly.

This was the first time Sharon had been aggressive with Ontari, but it wasn’t the first time a foster parent had been cruel to her, which made Ontari more prepared for what was to come.

“It’s 7 in the morning. What if you woke up Madi, huh?” Sharon asked as she practically dragged Ontari towards the kitchen. “What are you even crying about?”

“I don’t feel good,” Ontari croaked out, revealing her scratchy throat.

“Boo-hoo. Everyone gets sick. Suck it up and get ready for school,” Sharon snapped, releasing Ontari’s arm once they were near the fridge. The older woman approached the fridge and went about making breakfast.

“I don’t feel like going,” Ontari cried, making Sharon freeze.

The woman took in a long breath and clenched her fingers before releasing them with her exhale.

“Paul and I have jobs if you haven’t noticed,” Sharon said as she began to approach Ontari. “Who do you think is going to take care of you, huh? The world doesn’t revolve around you, Ontari!” Sharon was now in the pre-teen’s face, screaming her last sentence at her so loudly it echoed off the walls.

The mixture of fear and nausea rolling around in Ontari’s stomach made it nearly impossible for the young girl to control her next action; still clenching her stomach, Ontari leant forward and vomited in front of Sharon’s slippers.

Sharon cried out angrily and stepped back to avoid the splash. Just as she reached out to whack the girl’s head, Madi’s crying rang through the house, making her freeze.

Ontari composed herself slightly and stared at her mess in shame while Sharon pushed past her to get to the toddler.

Paul entered the kitchen with Madi who was bright red and crying in his arms.

“She’s sick,” Paul explained to Sharon who cradled Madi’s face and cooed at the three-year-old’s distress.

“You poor thing. Mommy’s going to stay home today and get you feeling all better. Paul, can you please take her to the bathroom so I can bathe her? I just have to deal with that one,” Sharon said, pointing behind herself to Ontari who was shaking from both her nausea and her fear.

Paul nodded and left the kitchen again, allowing for Sharon to return to Ontari.

Resuming her actions, Sharon rained her hand down on Ontari’s head a few times before composing herself.

Ontari cried as she held her head and did her best to not look at Sharon.

“Clean this disgusting mess up and go to school. I don’t want to see you anymore.”

Sharon clomped away after that, leaving Ontari to cry and stare of her mess of vomit on the floor.

That day, after cleaning up the kitchen and leaving the house to walk to school, Ontari decided to change routes halfway and head in the direction of Simone’s office. It was raining out, and Ontari only became sicker as she made the hour-long walk, but she eventually arrived at the social services building. She was dripping from head to toe and was as white as a sheet.

Simone spotted the distressed girl when she entered the lobby. Ontari was pleading with the receptionist to let her see Simone, when the older woman approached and got her attention.

“Ontari, what’s going on?” Simone asked, noticing the welts on Ontari’s cheeks along with her pallor.

“I need a new placement,” Ontari practically begged.

After several hours of begging, crying, and vomiting, Ontari was granted a new foster home for her a Madi, making it their eighth one in two years.

Little did Ontari know, it was only going to get worse from there.

 

Ontari felt her stomach clench and positioned herself over the toilet bowl in anticipation for what was to follow.

Just as she threw up what little content remained in her stomach, Ontari couldn’t help the strangled sob she let out.

“M-ommy. Take m-e-e ho-me,” Ontari cried, as if begging hard enough would make her mother magically return.

Miracles didn’t happen in Ontari’s life however, and her plea was left unanswered, like many of them were.

-----

After their shower, Lexa left to her own place for an hour before returning with bags full of groceries and her three sisters following.

Clarke, who had just attempted to, and unsuccessfully, offer her help to Ontari, was happy to see the other women. Clarke hugged each of them and began offering snacks and drinks, taking some solace in getting to care for someone after being rejected by her foster daughter.

“Sorry for barging in like this,” Gaia said as she took a seat at the kitchen island and accepted the glass of water Clarke gave her.

“No way. I’m happy to see you guys. It’s nice to have the distraction,” Clarke said, handing out the other drinks before retrieving bags of chips from a cupboard.

“Lexa told us about Ontari,” Luna said, grabbing Clarke’s hand in passing. “Just remember that sometimes you have to push even when she doesn’t accept it.”

“Thanks, Luna,” Clarke smiled, squeezing the younger woman’s hand back before moving to help Lexa sort some of the groceries. “What’s all this?” Clarke asked, speaking of the extra produce that weren’t on her list of supplies for Ontari.

“I’m making dinner for everyone tonight. You didn’t think I was going to leave you with a sick teen and your regular household jobs, did you?” Lexa smirked, making Clarke sigh out a breath of relief.

“How the actual fuck did I get so lucky,” Clarke asked rhetorically before kissing Lexa. After breaking apart, the two returned to their organization while small talk stirred between everyone in the kitchen.

“Where’s Madi?” Gaia asked after a couple of minutes, finally seeming to notice the absence of the child.

“Napping,” Clarke said with a shrug.

“Still?” Lexa asked, seemingly in shock. “That’s like four hours now.”

“Well, she’s going to be fun to put to bed tonight,” Anya commented, making Lexa laugh and Clarke roll her eyes playfully.

“I have tried just about everything to get her up, but she refuses. Last night was sort of a mess and I think she lost a bit of sleep as well.”

“Send Gaia up,” Anya suggested, to which Luna nodded.

“Yeah. Madi loves her. She’ll definitely get up if it means seeing her Gaia,” Luna said, teasing Clarke about the way Madi calls Gaia her’s.

“I’m still trying to teach her that people aren’t things you can possess.”

“I don’t mind,” Gaia waved off. “But if you’d like, I can see if I can get her up.”

“That would be amazing. She’s in her room,” Clarke said, making Gaia nod as she headed for the stairs. “I love it when you bring your sisters over. They always solve my problems,” Clarke said to Lexa who was in the midst of washing some vegetables she was going to use for dinner.

“I’m glad that you actually like them,” Lexa said, laughing to herself at the jab she made towards her sisters.

“Hey,” Luna protested, followed by-

“That’s not very nice,” Anya argued, furrowing her eyebrows at Lexa who started laughing harder. “We’re very likable people.”

“Yeah! Everyone loves us,” Luna said, as if to further Anya’s point.

“I feel like Gaia is the only one that people actually like at first introduction,” Lexa said, only to make her sisters jeer more in disagreement.

Before things could escalate, Gaia came down the stairs with Madi holding her hand. The little one was wrapped in her blanket and rubbing her sleepy eyes, but she was awake nonetheless.

“Miracle worker!” Clarke praised.

“See, this is why people like her the best,” Lexa followed up, only to be met by Luna’s glare and Anya’s middle finger.

“I don’t know what I’m walking in on,” Gaia said, before looking to Clarke. “I think you should know that Ontari was vomiting pretty violently when I walked by the door.”

“Shit,” Clarke sighed before scrambling to find the flu medicine and a bottle of water. “I’m going to check on her.”

The four sisters all gave her their mumbled affirmations as she hurried up the stairs and approached the bathroom door.

Taking a moment, Clarke pressed her ear against the door and heard the slightly labored breathing of Ontari on the other end.

Clarke lightly rapped her knuckles on the door three times before speaking in a kind tone.

“Sweetheart, I have some medicine for you if you’d like. It’ll help with the nausea and hopefully stop the vomiting.”

“Go away, Clarke,” Ontari said from the other end, her muffled voice evidently wet with tears.

“I just want to help-,”

“Stop it! I don’t need you to help me. I don’t want you here. Just leave me alone,” Ontari cried, the anger in her tone masked slightly by her desperation.

Clarke decided to give the girl the space she wanted and retreated back downstairs where the other women were waiting for her hopefully.

With a distraught shake of her head, everyone returned to their previous tasks or conversations while Lexa approached her girlfriend and pulled her into a comforting embrace.

The brunette gently reminded Clarke, “like Luna said, just keep pushing and she’ll eventually accept your help.”

-----

Before dinner, Raven and Niylah joined the group, making their girlfriends happy and Clarke relieved to have a few more hands to keep Madi busy and out of the way of Ontari.

The teen continued to sit in the bathroom, and there was no sign of when she intended to emerge, which made Clarke more antsy than usual.

For dinner, Lexa prepared two soups, a chicken noodle and a tomato soup, as well as some grilled cheese to go on the side.

Madi got to experience her first grilled cheese dipped in tomato soup, a weird milestone that had everyone waiting excitedly for her response. One thumbs up later, and a couple of happy cheers, everyone was digging into their bowls of soup and grilled cheese as well.

“Should I bring her some food up?” Clarke asked halfway through the meal, looking from the kitchen table to the stairs worriedly.

“Considering how often that toilet is flushing, I doubt she’ll be wanting anything in her stomach for a while,” Raven commented, making Luna scrunch her nose at her.

“Really? Toilet talk at the dinner table?” Luna asked, making her girlfriend laugh.

“I’m just saying,” Raven defended herself.

“I’m starting to wonder if I should take her to the hospital. She’s been hiding in there for like six hours now,” Clarke sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose as she contemplated what to do.

“I think if the vomiting continues past 24 hours you should definitely take her to urgent care, but I doubt she needs to go anywhere right away,” Lexa said, giving her girlfriend’s leg a squeeze under the table.

“Keep in mind she’s been sick before this,” Anya said, gaining Clarke’s attention. “Being in foster care means becoming self-sufficient, and clearly she’s developed this hiding tactic from bad experiences of being sick in foster homes.”

“Tari always said it was bad to tell foster moms and dads about not feeling good,” Madi spoke up.

“You know that’s different here, right? You can tell me when something doesn’t feel good,” Clarke reminded, despite already dealing with Madi when she was sick a few months back.

“I know. But Tari is stubborn.”

“Damn right she is,” Luna said, making Clarke laugh lightly.

“You can check on her after dinner,” Lexa suggested to Clarke, who nodded her agreement and returned to her food.

Just as everyone started eating again, the toilet could be heard flushing again, making Luna groan slightly.

“See, just another flush that proves that Ontari will not want any food later,” Raven said, making the other women sigh in dismay.

“Hey, I’m the one that has to put up with this,” Luna reminded, making Raven smile cheekily.

“Yeah, but you love me.”

-----

Less than an hour later, the group had cleaned up and moved themselves over to the living room where they started to watch Frozen II with Madi.

Everyone seemed captured by the movie from the start and they had to admit that it was extremely adorable to hear Madi sing along to every song from her spot on Gaia’s lap.

For a while, Clarke allowed herself to lay against Lexa’s chest and watch the movie, trying her best to ease some of her worry over Ontari.

Halfway through the movie, however, it all seemed to become too much to think about, and Clarke was back to nearly crawling out of her skin once more.

“I’m sure she’s fine,” Lexa whispered the promise as she rubbed Clarke’s back in hopes of easing her constant movement.

“Why can’t she just need me?” Clarke asked hopelessly, relieved to see that her talking was hard for the others to hear from their spot on a recliner.

“It’s hard. Every part of her is telling her that you are just like the other foster parents. It’s your job to prove her wrong,” Lexa said, pressing a loving kiss to the crown of Clarke’s head.

“How do I do it? What am I missing here?” Clarke continued, tears of desperation leaking from her eyes and onto the front of Lexa’s shirt.

“Nothing, baby. You just need to continue being patient. One day she will look at you and see you and not all of the other faces of those who failed her before.”

“I just want her to know I care,” Clarke said as she took a calming breath. The distant sound of the bathroom door creaking open signaled to her and Lexa that Ontari was finally coming out of her hiding place.

“Go show her then,” Lexa urged, allowing Clarke to get up and go after her kid.

-----

After puking as much as humanly possible, and sleeping for a while on the bathroom floor, Ontari emerged from the bathroom looking even paler and shakier than when she went in.

Just as she began to walk to her room, footsteps could be heard walking up the stairs, and soon enough a set of hands were gently holding to her elbows to keep her from swaying.

“I know you don’t want my help,” Clarke said softly, in hopes of keeping the girl calm. “But I want to make sure you’re okay.”

Ontari was too weak to fight back and simply nodded. She continued to her room with the support of Clarke and eventually found her way into her bed and under her covers.

The blanket from the foot of her bed was draped on top of her other sheets, and Clarke took her time to gently tuck everything around Ontari who began to shiver.

“Clarke,” Ontari said through her chattering teeth, doing her best to fight the chills that ran through her body.

“Yeah, honey,” Clarke said softly as she brushed a hand over the blankets.

“C-can you brush m-my hair?” Ontari asked sleepily, making Clarke furrow her eyebrows in confusion before realization set in.

With a small smile, Clarke reached out and gently combed her fingers over the top of Ontari’s hair, making the teen sigh out contentedly.

“Is this alright?” Clarke asked as she briefly smoothed her fingers over Ontari’s warm cheek before returning to her hair.

“Mm-hm,” the teen agreed, allowing her eyes to shut slowly. “Stay.”

“I will, sweetheart,” Clarke promised. “Just go to sleep now, alright?”

Ontari did as suggested and allowed herself to get lulled to sleep.

She couldn’t help but think that for the briefest moment in her life, someone actually cared.

Notes:

some more ontari trauma, some sick ontari, and some fluffy clarke/ontari. i think i'm spoiling you guys in this chapter.

next chapter, i'm going to be delving into someone else's mental health and their past trauma. i personally love it and i can't wait for you all to read it on friday.

thanks for all of the comments, kudos, and reads. i appreciate all of it!

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 16: many kinds of love

Notes:

"if it is true that there are as many minds as there are heads, then there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts" - leo tolstoy

After returning to school/work and re-establishing their routines, Clarke and Lexa decided that, despite their daily interactions, they would set Sunday nights aside for just the two of them. That meant going on proper dates and focusing on each other.

Clarke was the one to propose it; she had begun to worry that Lexa would get bored or tired of Clarke’s home life and wanted to ensure that their relationship maintained some freshness seeing as they’d been girlfriends for under a year.

Lexa wasn’t going to complain, and she gratefully welcomed the date nights – except when she realized what day fell on their third Sunday date night.

The week following up to it, Lexa was distant, and as the days drew closer to Sunday she became short-tempered and snippy with Clarke.

On Friday evening, Clarke came home to find the girls doing their homework at the table with a box of pizza on the kitchen island. Lexa was nowhere in sight.

“Hey, where’s Lex?” Clarke asked as she set her purse onto a stool and approached her foster daughters.

“She left an hour ago,” Ontari said as she scratched something into her math notebook.

“Really?” the blonde asked, reaching for her phone to see if she missed a text from Lexa.

“Yeah. She bought us pizza, though,” Madi said, smiling happily as she pointed to the box.

“Did she say why she had to go?” Clarke asked, frowning when she didn’t find anything on her phone.

“Nope,” Ontari said, popping her ‘p’ as she shook her head.

“That’s not like her,” Clarke said, mainly to herself. She began to feel like her worse nightmare was coming true and that Lexa was tired of shouldering the responsibilities of two girls that weren’t even hers. Sure, she was the one to offer Clarke the help, but there was always the possibility that it was becoming too much for Lexa to handle.

“She called Raven to come over, but she hasn’t arrived yet,” Ontari mentioned.

Not a minute later, the door could be heard opening downstairs followed by the tale-tell steps of Raven.

“Alright kiddos, let’s get this party- Clarke?” Raven’s excited entrance came to an abrupt halt when she spotted her friend standing in front of Ontari and Madi.

“Hey, Ray,” Clarke smiled weakly as she accepted her friend’s hug.

“Lexa said you would be out late tonight,” Raven said, explaining her presence.

“I was supposed to be, but I thought it would be nice to surprise her and the girls. Turns out I was wrong” Clarke said, sounding distraught that she couldn’t fulfill her prior plans.

“Shit. Trouble in paradise?” Raven asked as she went over to the pizza box and grabbed a slice.

“Language,” Clarke warned, making Madi giggle. “And no – yes – maybe?”

“C’mon, tell Dr. Ray what’s bugging you,” Raven said, managing to hoist herself onto the kitchen island before patting the spot next to her for Clarke.

“You have a PhD in engineering, not psychiatry,” Clarke reminded as she pulled a stool up and sat close to Raven.

“A doctor’s a doctor. Now spill the beans, Jan,” Raven pressed.

“Who’s Jan?” Madi spoke up, a giggle following close after. “That’s Clarke, Aunty Ray.”

“Really, Clarke? You never showed her the Brady Bunch?” Raven asked, seeming hurt by the revelation.

“I’m going to find a quieter place to do this,” Ontari mumbled, quickly leaving the kitchen.

“Sorry, sweetheart,” Clarke said, feeling bad for bothering the teen. Ontari merely waved off the apology before she disappeared up the stairs.

“Anyways, back to it. What’s the matter?”

Clarke sighed and rubbed her face, doing her best to work through what happened over the week. “It started a few days ago. She was becoming more distant and less like herself. Little things started to tick her off. She even started to get frustrated with me.”

“And the girls?” Raven asked, to which Clarke shook her head in the negative.

“No. Never with the girls. She’s always been so good with them.”

“Okay,” Raven hummed, thinking over what Clarke said. “Is there anything you might have done that bothered her?”

“I can’t think of anything,” Clarke frowned, trying to backtrack a bit. “She usually tells me if something bugs her so we can resolve it without conflict. We’ve never even fought about couple things.”

“Lucky,” Raven sighed, allowing herself to be jealous for a beat. “Well, maybe something happened at home.”

“Maybe. But she tells me everything about her family. I even know that Luna was giving you the silent treatment last week because you refused to go d-o-w-n on her at 3am,” Clarke said, hoping her quick spelling would be enough for Raven to catch but too fast for Madi to piece together (not that the child would actually know what that would mean).

“D,” Madi started mumbling to herself, while Clarke and Raven continued their conversation.

“Well, that was private information,” Raven huffed before taking a bite of her pizza.

“Yeah, well tell that to your girlfriend who told her siblings, who told their significant others.”

“Can you really blame me? It was 3am and she wanted me to e-a-t her out. Like I love her, but I love my sleep more,” Raven said in her own defense.

“No, it was fair. But it’s pretty funny to know that it took you three days to figure out how to make Luna break her silence,” Clarke said, laughing at her friend’s expense.

“O,” Madi said slowly, still speaking to herself.

“And how do you suppose you would’ve gotten her to talk to you after that?” Raven asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“It’s self-explanatory, Ray. You give the girl what she asked for from the start.”

“Fuck you, this is why I don’t tell you and Octavia my relationship problems,” Raven huffed once more, making Clarke laugh harder.

“W, N. D, O, W, N,” Madi said, nodding her head she mentally pieced the word together.

“Language,” Clarke reminded, giving Raven’s leg a whack.

“Down! Aunty Ray didn’t want to go down on Luna!” Madi proudly declared, making Clarke blanche, Raven laugh hysterically, and Ontari cry out her disgust from the second floor.

“Okay, remember how I said there are some things we don’t say outside of this house?” Clarke asked the child who nodded her agreement. “That is one of those things.”

“Okay… what does it mean though?” Madi asked, tilting her head slightly.

“Nothing. Just don’t say it ever again,” Clarke practically begged, making Madi shrug before nodding once more. “Thank you.”

“How did we even get here? Weren’t we trying to figure out your relationship problems?” Raven asked, bringing Clarke back to reality. She couldn’t help but frown as the fear of Lexa hating her reflooded her stomach.

“Right. Well, what do I do now? I don’t want to bug Lexa, but I also want to make sure she’s okay.”

“Y’know, I could always call Luna. Maybe she knows what’s up,” Raven suggested, making Clarke instantly shake her head ‘no’.

“That would be so shitty of me to go behind her back,” Clarke said, making Raven roll her eyes.

“What is even the point of your friend group dating a group of siblings if you can’t use that to your advantage?” Raven asked in exasperation.

“That wouldn’t be fair of me to do, Raven,” Clarke explained.

“What if I was the one that asked her?” Raven continued, only receiving another negative shake of Clarke’s head.

“No, Raven. I refuse-,” just then, Clarke’s phone pinged with a text message, cutting her off mid-sentence.

Thinking it was Lexa, Clarke stopped talking and grabbed her phone.

Sure enough her girlfriend had texted, though it wasn’t anything Clarke could hope for.

Lexa: I have to cancel Sunday.

Clarke could feel the coldness of the text even through the screen.

“Okay, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to call Luna,” Clarke conceded, deciding that some help from Lexa’s siblings could hopefully solve whatever happened in their relationship.

“Finally!” Raven cheered, pressing on her girlfriend’s contact and putting it on speaker.

“Hi, baby. What’s up?” Luna asked when she answered her phone.

“Nothing much. I’m just here with Clarke. I’ve got you on speaker,” Raven explained.

“Hey, Clarke. Is everything alright with you two?” Luna asked suspiciously.

“Yeah. We’re fine,” Clarke promised. “I just needed to ask you something.”

“Go ahead,” Luna prompted.

“Umm… Lex has been acting a bit strange this last week. I don’t know if I did something, but now I’m worried that I actually did because she canceled our Sunday date for no reason.”

Luna hummed on her end for a beat before snapping her fingers. “What day is it on Sunday?”

Raven quickly checked on her phone before answering. “The 10th. Why?”

“That’s the day Costia died.”

-----

“You can’t do this to her, Lex,” Anya said as she moved about Lexa’s apartment in an effort to organize it.

“Just leave me alone, An,” Lexa mumbled from her spot on the couch. The brunette was fully set on laying there the entire weekend and not moving. She even canceled all of her plans, which made her entirely available to do so.

“But you can’t just not give your girlfriend an explanation for this attitude of yours,” Anya said as she sorted out the kitchen.

“Clarke will be fine. She’s understanding about this sort of stuff.”

“What if she isn’t, though? What if she worries all weekend that she did something to piss you off and now you’re avoiding her? How is that fair to her?”

“Fuck, Anya. I just want some quiet, please,” Lexa practically begged before she threw an extra throw pillow on top of her head to block out the sound and the light.

Not even a minute later, the pillow was being yanked from her grasp by a clearly displeased Anya.

“I won’t let you fuck up this relationship,” Anya said as she set her hands on her hips. “Costia would be livid if she knew that this was how you were treating Clarke.”

“If Costia were alive there’d be no Clarke,” Lexa snapped, making Anya raise her eyebrows before she rolled her eyes.

“Clarke has been so transparent with you this whole time. Even when her dad’s anniversary came around, she went to you because she trusted you to make her feel better. You are being a really shitty person right now.”

“Clarke’s dad has been dead for twelve years; Costia’s been gone for four. There’s a fucking difference!” Lexa practically yelled as she got off the couch and head in the direction of her bedroom. A groan of frustration left her mouth when she heard Anya following her.

“Just because one is fresher than the other, doesn’t mean it hurts any less,” Anya argued, stopping abruptly when Lexa turned around to face her once more.

“How would you know?!”

“Because my mom died 24 years ago, and I can still feel the pain I felt the day I was told she was gone!” Anya quickly yelled back, leaving the two of them silent for a beat. “You’re not the first person to lose someone you love, Lexa. But you’ve got people to support you and love you through it.”

Lexa couldn’t help the tears that welled in her eyes, nor could she stop them from tumbling down her cheeks. Before she could process what was happening, sobs were racking through her body.

Anya quickly pulled her sister into an embrace before the brunette collapsed with her desperate cries and brought them both to the ground.

“I’ve got you,” Anya promised, not letting go of her little sister for even a second.

“I miss her,” Lexa managed to say past her sobs. “I loved her so much, An.”

“I know you did,” Anya said, kissing the top of her sister’s head before resting her chin on it. “And I know it sucks that she’s gone.”

Lexa continued to cry, her heartbreaking sobs not letting up by the sounds of it. At one point, her breathing took a frightening turn and Anya was brought back to Lexa’s teenage years when she would suffer from panic attacks. Despite her best efforts, Anya always knew that there was only one person who could walk Lexa through a panic attack.

With a shaky hand, Anya desperately pulled her phone from her jeans pocket and single-handedly texted their mom.

Anya: Mom, Lexa panicking. Need u at her place asap!

“Lexa, you need to breathe,” Anya said as she attempted to push Lexa back slightly from the embrace. “I know this is a lot, and everything it really overwhelming right now, but I just need you to take three deep breaths.”

“I miss her,” Lexa continued to sob as she worked herself further into her panic attack.

“Fuck, just work with me, Lex,” Anya pleaded, hoping that she wouldn’t have to call an ambulance.

Lexa was too far gone to actually speak to, which made Anya more nervous.

For the following eight minutes, Anya did her best to squeeze Lexa in a hug, knowing that was one of the things their mom did when she was a teen.

With record speed, Indra eventually entered the apartment and rushed towards the sound of Lexa’s erratic breathing and Anya’s pleading cries for her sister to work with her.

“I’m here,” Indra said, still out of breath as she knelt by her two girls.

“Mommy,” Lexa sobbed when her mom came into sight.

“I’m here. Shhh. Let’s get against the wall,” Indra said, easing Lexa away from Anya’s embrace and towards the hallway wall where she propped her up.

Free from Lexa, Anya scrambled to her feet and went to Gutus who stood at the end of the hallway unsurely.

Indra pressed one hand against Lexa’s chest and used the other to hold her daughter’s hand, knowing very well that pressure and consistent squeezing of her fingers were good methods to ground her.

“Deep breaths, Lex,” Indra coached, taking exaggerated breaths in hopes of making Lexa copy her.

Lexa nodded and did her best to keep pace, eventually working her sputtered breathing down to six shaky breaths a minute.

“That’s my girl,” Indra praised as she slowly released the pressure her hand had on Lexa’s chest. “Nice and slow.”

“I’m sorry,” Lexa squeaked out when words seemed to find her again.

“None of that,” Indra said as she used her thumb to clean the tears off of Lexa’s face. “Let’s just continued breathing. Anya, can you please grab some clothes from Lexa’s room? I think it’ll be a good idea for her to come home this weekend.”

“No,” Lexa started to protest, only making Indra shake her head and squeeze her hand.

“This isn’t something to argue, okay? Keep breathing,” Indra said, smiling kindly to Anya who scurried by to pack some things for Lexa.

Once Anya had a bag for her sister, Indra got Gutus’ help in getting Lexa off the ground and settled between them for support. Taking it slowly, Gutus and Indra began to lead Lexa out of the apartment while Anya quickly did some last-minute things before locking up.

-----

Clarke took up Luna’s advice and gave Lexa the space she was seeking. While she wanted to show her support for her girlfriend, she knew that Lexa deserved to have full control over the situation.

In an effort to keep herself preoccupied, Clarke arranged for a dinner with Abby and Marcus on Sunday in hopes of mending that relationship further and giving her mom the opportunity to bond with the girls.

As a buffer, Clarke invited Raven in order to ensure things didn’t escalate or become awkward; a role that Raven was all too excited to accept.

As Clarke was in the midst of mashing potatoes, Raven was chasing Madi around, making the little girl squeal excitedly and laugh hysterically.

“If she trips and splits her head you have to drive her to the ER!” Clarke warned Raven for what felt like the millionth time as she chased Madi through the kitchen.

“That won’t happen,” Raven replied as she rounded the corner into the living room.

Not thirty seconds later the sound of something crashing brought Raven and Madi’s laughter to a halt.

Clarke puffed out a breath and counted to three before deciding to talk. “Please tell me the child isn’t broken.”

“The child isn’t broken,” Raven promised.

“But the vase is,” Madi said, making Clarke laugh lightly before she abandoned her potatoes and went towards the living room.

Sure enough, Raven was knelt in front of the vase and attempting to put the five pieces back together.

“Sorry, mama,” Madi said when she saw Clarke walk into the room.

“It’s okay. Are you guys alright?” Clarke asked as she knelt in front of the little girl and checked her over.

“All good. Mads’ toe caught the side table and brought it down,” Raven explained, smiling when she got the vase back together. “I’ve got some superglue in my car. This thing will be good as new in just a few minutes.”

Clarke glanced at the vase and noticed the cracks were hardly visible, but she wasn’t too bothered by it breaking at all. She preferred a broken object over a broken kid.

Raven set the pieces back down and got up to grab her glue, leaving Clarke and Madi alone.

“Are you really not mad?” Madi asked as she chewed her lip unsurely.

Clarke frowned and took both of Madi’s hands into her own.

“Did you mean to break the vase?” Clarke asked.

“No,” Madi whispered.

“Did you lie about breaking the vase?”

“No.”

“Exactly. You didn’t mean to do it, and you didn’t lie. How can I be mad at you over an accident?”

“Other foster parents used to get mad. It was scary,” Madi revealed, making Clarke sigh.

Very rarely, Clarke had the opportunity to hear about the other homes the girls came from. Ontari and Madi kept their past families as well-kept secrets, but every so often Madi would reveal a small bit of information, which only added to Clarke’s knowledge of the abuse they endured.

“You can talk to me about what happened, you know,” Clarke said, making Madi nod her head in agreement.

“Sometimes when foster parents got mad they hit. Ontari didn’t let them touch me, though.”

“She’s a good sister, huh?” Clarke asked, making Madi nod again. “Y’know, she probably heard what happened down here. Normally I’m sure she would’ve come down to protect you, but she decided not to today. Do you know why?”

“Maybe cause she knows you won’t get mad at me?” Madi suggested, making Clarke nod proudly.

“Exactly. Ontari knows your safe, which means she doesn’t have to come down here to protect you. I promise that I will never hit you. Accidents happen but as long as you’re honest and show me that you sorry, I will always forgive you.”

“Thanks, mama,” Madi whispered before wrapping her arms around Clarke.

Clarke returned the embrace, taking a moment to breathe deeply and suppress the sadness in her chest over Madi having to thank her for not using violence.

“Aww, I walked in on a hug,” Raven gushed as she came up the stairs.

“I have to get back to dinner, but why don’t you help Raven glue the vase back together?” Clarke suggested to Madi who bounced on her toes excitedly.

“Okay!”

“Perfect. C’mon my little apprentice,” Raven said as she waved Madi over. “I have one ground rule. Do not, under any circumstances, touch this glue.”

“Why?” Madi asked as she sat on the couch next to her Aunty Ray.

“Because then your fingers will be permanently stuck together,” Raven warned.

“That sounds like fun!”

“No!” Clarke and Raven said at the same time, making Madi break into a fit of giggles.

“If her fingers get stuck together you have to drive her to the ER,” Clarke warned her friend before she returned to the kitchen.

“That won’t happen!” Raven called back.

“You said that last time,” Clarke reminded. “Let’s try to prove it.”

-----

An hour later, the doorbell sounded through the house, making Clarke freeze for a moment. Before she had time to register what was happening, Madi started to bound down the stairs to answer it.

“Maybe it’s Lexa!” The little girl enthused as she stopped at the door, reached up for the lock, and pulled it open. “Oh,” Madi squeaked out when she saw the two older people at the door. Suddenly feeling unsure, Madi stepped behind the door and peeked out around it to look at the smiling adults.

“Hi, Madi. How’re you doing?” Marcus asked as he crouched down and smiled kindly at her.

“Good.”

“Hey,” Clarke greeted as she finally arrived at the door, effectively freeing Madi from her station there. The little girl hurried off, leaving her mama to deal with Abby and Marcus. “How’re you guys doing?” Clarke asked as she stepped aside to let her mom and Marcus in.

“Good, and yourself?” Abby asked, briefly hugging Clarke before moving to kick off her shoes.

“I’m fine. Sorry about Madi. She’s a bit shy with people she doesn’t really know,” Clarke said, almost instantly realizing how her words came off as unintentionally snarky.

“That’s alright,” Marcus waved off, effectively riding the air of any awkwardness.

“Do you always let her answer the door?” Abby asked as Clarke led them upstairs.

“No. Never. She thought it was Lexa and got excited,” Clarke explained.

“Is she not joining us tonight?” Abby followed up.

“She’s busy this weekend,” Clarke said, sighing out in relief when Raven approached and created another round of greetings.

Clarke took the opportunity to sneak upstairs to let Ontari know that their guests arrived and that dinner was ready.

After knocking on the door, Clarke entered the room to find Ontari curled up in the corner of her bed with a book. The teen glanced her way when she stepped past the threshold.

“Hey, sweetheart. Dinner’s ready,” Clarke said with a smile; Ontari only managed to frown a bit more before returning to her reading.

“I’m not hungry,” Ontari mumbled.

Clarke’s smile fell when she heard that. For a moment, Clarke stood at the door unsurely as she tried to figure out what was making Ontari so uncomfortable. People were always a miss with the teen, but she typically suffered through meals before hiding away, which meant her reasoning went deeper this time.

Deciding not to assume and just ask, Clarke approached the girl and sat on the end of her bed.

“Is everything alright?” Clarke asked.

“Fine.”

“You’re not sick, are you?”

“No,” Ontari mumbled. “I’m just not hungry.”

“You can talk to me, Ontari. Maybe I can help you,” Clarke said, earning a quick glance from the teen before she returned to her book.

“Abby doesn’t like me.”

“That’s not true-.”

“You don’t have to lie, Clarke,” Ontari sighed as she let her book fall shut. “I know a lot of people don’t like me. I just don’t want to say something at the table to make her hate me more.”

“What could you possibly say to do that?” Clarke asked softly, despite knowing very well that Ontari had a way with words that wasn’t always so nice.

“I don’t know,” Ontari shrugged. “Sometimes I say mean things to protect myself, but I don’t want to say something and make you and your mom fight again.”

Clarke couldn’t help the small smile that came to her face. Ontari was showing signs of caring for her, which was a major breakthrough.

“Hey, listen to me, Ontari,” Clarke said, tilting her head slightly to catch Ontari’s gaze. “It is my job to protect you, which means that you don’t have to use mean words to protect yourself. I’m going to be there. I won’t let my mom, or anyone else for that matter, say something that makes you upset or uncomfortable, okay?”

“I still don’t want to go down,” Ontari whispered.

“I’m not going to force you. But you are a very important person to me, and I would really love it if my family gets the chance to see that,” Clarke said, hoping her affirmation would be enough to get Ontari to join them. “You can join us if you feel like it,” Clarke decided to say before giving Ontari’s foot a gentle pat and heading for the door.

Once back downstairs, everyone took their seats at the table and tucked into the homemade meal. Clarke made sure to keep the chair next to her open for Ontari in case she decided to come down.

Madi, being her charming little self, slowly seemed to worm her way into Abby’s affections as the dinner progressed. She talked about her books, her grade one class, and about the camping trip from a few weeks back.

Halfway through, the door upstairs could be heard creaking open. Not long after, Ontari was nervously walking down the stairs, gaining the attention of everyone at the table.

“Ontari, I’m glad you could join us,” Clarke smiled as she pulled the chair out and patted it for the girl.

“Hi, Ontari. It’s nice to see you again,” Abby said, offering a smile.

“You too,” Ontari whispered as she took her seat and reached for the mashed potatoes.

“Madi was just telling us about your hockey games,” Marcus said, making the nervous teen jump slightly.

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows in concern at how jumpy the teen was being. Upon closer analysis, Clarke noticed Ontari’s hands were shaking and her leg was bouncing under the table apprehensive.

“She’s really well,” Raven spoke up, also seeming to notice Ontari’s jitteriness. “I’ve gotten the pleasure of watching her play.”

“Well, hopefully we can get that chance someday,” Abby said, making Clarke smile kindly her way.

“Someday,” Ontari agreed as she briefly met Abby’s gaze.

“And how’re you doing in school?” Abby asked, making Ontari freeze and Clarke decide to step in.

“She’s doing really well. Her teachers have seen a lot of improvement these last few months,” Clarke answered, knowing very well Ontari wasn’t ready to flaunt her grades around. They weren’t straight As, but she was slowly climbing her way to that.

Ontari gave Clarke a small smile of thanks before returning to her food.

“So, what’s the plan for the summer? Are you guys headed off for another continent excursion?” Clarke asked Abby and Marcus who laughed at the comment.

“Not this year,” Marcus answered. “We’re holding off until fall to do a trip around Africa. It’s a better time of the year for safaris and that sort of thing.”

“Lucky,” Raven said from her end of the table. “I would kill to galivant through Africa.”

“You get to travel for work,” Clarke reminded, making her friend wave her off.

“Conferences in Europe don’t count.”

“They sort of do, Ray,” Abby laughed, before setting her attention back on Ontari. “Have you and Madi ever been outside of the country?”

“Mom,” Clarke sighed, already deciding that the question wasn’t fair to ask a foster kid.

“It’s okay,” Ontari said, stopping her foster mom. “I’ve never been out of the country, but before Madi was born my mom took me to Nevada for a weekend.”

“That sounds nice,” Marcus chimed in, making the teen nod.

“It was. I think about that trip a lot. It was one of my last good memories with her.”

Clarke felt her heartbreak when Ontari looked back down to her plate sadly. The pieces of Madi’s and Ontari’s childhood continued to piece together in her mind as she took in the new information.

According to Simone, the girls’ bio-mom struggled with drugs up until Ontari was 8. She was supposedly clean for a year before a trip to Vegas led to a downward spiral. After that, she was on and off her clean streak, which led to the girls being jerked in and out of the system.

It was sad to know that the trip that led to their mom’s relapse was also a trip that Ontari looked back on with such fondness.

Absentmindedly, Clarke reached behind Ontari and gently began to rub her back. It was a gesture so simple, yet so kind, that Ontari couldn’t help the tears that welled in her eyes.

Thankfully, no one seemed to notice as the conversation had been turned back to Madi.

-----

“She’s so down this year,” Luna said as she watched Indra move around the kitchen. “Has she even left her room yet?”

“No, and we’re not going to force her too. She’s probably struggling more this year because she’s in a new relationship and she feels a lot of guilt surrounding that,” Indra said as she set cups of tea down in front of Luna, Gaia, and Anya.

“I wish she would just talk to Clarke,” Anya said as she sipped her tea. “That girl always seems to know the right thing to say to Lex.”

“We should just tell her to come over,” Gaia said, making Indra shake her head.

“We all agreed that we would let Lexa handle that. She is a grown woman who knows how to handle her personal life and her relationship.”

“But, mom, she’s clearly letting both slip through the cracks. I know it’s only been two days, but this is just like that time after she graduated high school,” Anya reminded, making Indra frown.

“That was a different situation,” Indra tried to wave off, only to making Luna shake her head in disagreement.

“Not really. She felt too many emotions and decided to shut down entirely. She refused to eat, or bathe, or even get out of bed for that matter,” Luna said. “That’s clearly going to happen again.”

“Well, how did we get her out of it the first time?” Gaia asked.

“We called Costia. She knew exactly what to say,” Luna said, shaking her head when it became clear that that wasn’t an option.

“Which is why we need to call Clarke. She is Lexa’s new Costia,” Anya said, making Indra shake her head distastefully.

“Costia and Clarke are two different people. One did not replace the other,” Indra said, making Anya roll her eyes.

“You know what I mean, mom. If there is anyone that will know what to say to get Lexa back before she gets too deep in her depression, it’ll be Clarke,” Anya insisted, making her sisters nod in agreement.

“Just wait to see how she’s doing tomorrow,” Indra instructed, only to be interrupted by an angry yell and the sound of something breaking from upstairs. “Shit,” Indra mumbled as she hurried out of the room.

“I’m making the call,” Luna decided, knowing very well that when Lexa’s anger became the forefront of her emotions, it was near impossible to negotiate with her.

-----

When Clarke received the call from Luna asking her to come and help with Lexa, she was in the midst of serving dessert.

After agreeing to get over to the Woods’ home quickly, Clarke rushed to pull Raven aside and ask for her help.

“I need to see, Lexa. She isn’t doing too well right now. Do you think you can watch the girls until I get back?” Clarke asked.

“Of course. Luna was just texting me how things over there weren’t so great. I’ve got things over here,” Raven promised, making Clarke hug her thankfully.

“I owe you one,” Clarke whispered before she hurried to say goodbye to everyone who was still at the table. Ontari had disappeared back into her room after dinner, but one look upstairs had Raven promising that she’ll update the teen about her whereabouts should she ask.

With that, Clarke hurried to get over to Lexa.

She managed to do the 20-minute drive in 15, and pulled up to the Woods’ home in a hast. Before she could even knock on the door, Gaia was pulling it open.

“Thanks for coming,” the younger girl said as she let Clarke in. “Lexa had a slight outburst not too long ago, but I think my mom talked her down. They’re in her old room.”

“Thanks, Gaia,” Clarke said, offering a weak smile before she headed for the stairs.

Once at Lexa’s door, Clarke paused and listened for the noise inside.

Lexa was sniffling and Indra was speaking to her so softly that the words were unintelligible. Deciding it would be better to not eavesdrop, Clarke knocked lightly on the door and waited for Indra to let her in.

Once a voice called for her to come inside, Clarke carefully turned the knob and stepped in. Her heart broke when she saw her girlfriend curled up on the bed with Indra crouched in front of her.

“There she is, Lex. There’s Clarke,” Indra whispered, making Lexa glance in the direction of the blonde.

“Clarke,” Lexa croaked out, making fresh tears spring in her eyes.

“Hi, baby,” Clarke said softly as she approached the bed.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Indra said before pressing a kiss to Lexa’s temple and then leaving the room. Once the door shut, Clarke fully approached the bed and allowed herself to lay beside Lexa, forcing them to be face to face.

“You came,” Lexa said as a lone tear fell from her eye.

“Sometimes being alone on a day like this only makes things worse,” Clarke said as she used her thumb to wipe Lexa’s tears away.

“I miss her,” Lexa admitted, making Clarke nod in understanding.

“That’s okay. She was an incredibly special person to you.”

“This year is harder, though. Not because I feel bad about us. But because I’m scared that I’m going to lose you too,” Lexa explained, her tears running a bit faster now.

“Hey, no, Lex. You won’t lose me. Never,” Clarke said as she shuffled a bit closer to wrap her arms around Lexa.

“You don’t know that. Costia and I thought we’d spend the rest of our lives together and look how that ended,” Lexa bitterly remarked, making Clarke shake her head.

“I may not be able to promise forever then. But I promise I will do everything humanly possible to stay with you for as long as you’ll have me.”

Lexa seemed to take the words in for a moment. “Do you promise?” She finally asked, making Clarke smile lightly.

“With all my heart, baby,” Clarke promised as she cupped Lexa’s cheeks and pressed a loving kiss to her lips. After pulling apart Clarke sat up and grabbed the picture frame next to Lexa’s bed. She took a minute to look over the woman her girlfriend once loved. “Can you tell me about her?” Clarke asked as Lexa sat up as well.

“Costia was a lot of things. But something that always stood out to people was how good she was. Every room she walked into just lit up with this indescribable energy. You’re so much like her.”

“I am?” Clarke asked as she looked from the picture of Costia to Lexa.

“I don’t know how to describe it, but after our first date I realized that you made me feel the same way that Costia made me feel. That’s when I knew that what we had was going to be good. It is good.”

“It’s good,” Clarke reaffirmed.

Lexa grabbed to Clarke’s hand and continued to talk about Costia. And despite reliving moments she shared with her wife, Lexa happily reminded herself that the hand she held in her own was going to remain there for as long as she could keep it.

Notes:

here it is: a bit of lexa's personal history that i hope gives some insight as to why she's so sympathetic with ontari.

i know that some of you may be a bit irked about lexa comparing clarke to costia. clearly, they are separate people and had different impacts in her life. what i'm mainly grasping at is lexa's realization that she fell in love with both women for very similar reasons: they're both good. again, costia and clarke are different, but they share qualities that lexa finds enchanting and impossible to resist.

other than that, i hope you all enjoyed this chapter. you can look forward to some fun family fluff on monday's update. but wednesday's update is going to rock your worlds with all the angst i packed into it.

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 17: it takes courage to grow

Notes:

"it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are" - e.e. cummings

On the following Wednesday, after dropping Ontari off for her weekly therapy session, Clarke brought Madi to the grocery store for two reasons. 1) to restock some of the food they were low on and 2) to plan out what Madi wanted for her’s and Ontari’s joint birthday celebration.

It came as a surprise to Clarke the prior year that Ontari and Madi shared a birthday, however, it went by uncelebrated since both girls failed to mention it to her. Thanks to Simone, Clarke was able to get the date of their birthdays and intended to celebrate them properly this time around.

Arriving at the store, Clarke grabbed a cart and allowed Madi to stand on the edge of it before heading inside.

“Madi, I have a very important job for you,” Clarke said as she grabbed some bananas from the produce section.

“What is it?” Madi asked, already excited to help.

“I need you to help me plan your’s and Ontari’s birthday party.”

“We’re getting a birthday party?!” Madi asked as she jumped off the edge of the cart and bounced in place, her hands clapping excitedly.

“Of course you are. You can invite some friends from school, and we’ll have some of the family come over as well. I just need to know what flavor of cake you like, what flavor Ontari likes, and what food you want me to serve.”

“This is so cool,” Madi said giddily as she quickly wrapped her arms around Clarke’s waist. “Thank you, mama!”

Clarke paused her shopping and hugged Madi back properly.

“Anything for my girls. Now, what cake is your favourite?” Clarke asked as she ran a hand over Madi’s hair.

“I like chocolate, but with sprinkles.”

“Chocolate with sprinkles. Got it. And what about Ontari?”

“Mmm Tari doesn’t like cake. But she loves brownies. And rocky road cookies,” Madi reminded, making Clarke nod her head in agreement.

“How could I forget the rocky road cookies?” Clarke playfully asked as she continued to walk through the store. “And how does pizza sound?”

“So yummy. We can get cheese, and pepperoni, and that veggie one that Gaia likes even though it’s icky,” Madi listed off, making Clarke laugh.

“You’re the best party planner. Did you know that?” Clarke asked, making Madi giggle. “What do you say to some toast at the party as well?”

“I can get the perfect, squishiest bread!” Madi promised as she started to head to the bread aisle. Not even five feet away, she stopped in her tracks. “Can I go grab the bread, mama?”

“Thank you for asking,” Clarke praised as she caught up. “Let’s got together, yeah?”

Madi climbed onto the edge of the cart once more and decided to list off more things she wanted at the party as Clarke pushed her in the direction of their favourite aisle.

-----

“Is this really necessary?” Ontari asked as Clarke rushed around the house to set everything up for the birthday celebration.

“Of course it is! It’s your birthday,” Clarke said, as if it were that obvious. In Ontari’s world, however, birthdays were not something to be celebrated. They were just yearly reminders that someday she would age out of the system and be leaving her sister behind to fend for herself. Who would want to celebrate that?

“Is it necessary to invite everyone in San Diego?” Ontari pressed, making it clear as day that she was opposed to the idea.

“I know big groups aren’t your thing. The lunch is just for Madi and her friends. After 5, it’ll just be the regular group, I promise. You’re comfortable with them, aren’t you?”

“Is your mom coming?” Ontari asked as she seemed to grow jittery.

“Yeah. She wants to be apart of yours and Madi’s lives more, and this is a step in that direction. What’s got you so nervous about them anyway?” Clarke decided to ask. It was clear that Ontari wasn’t comfortable around Abby and Marcus, Clarke just needed to find out why.

“It’s nothing,” Ontari dismissed, making Clarke shake her head.

“Sweetheart, you can talk to me. I want to make this day special for you and Madi, but I need you to tell me when things make you uncomfortable.”

“This whole thing makes me uncomfortable!” Ontari suddenly lashed out as she stood up from the couch. “I never asked for this, and I don’t want it!”

“Ontari,” Clarke started to say, only to stop when Ontari stormed her way to the stairs.

“Just-,” Ontari snapped, turning back to Clarke for a moment. “Just stop trying. Please.”

With that, Ontari went to her room, leaving Clarke standing unsurely at the bottom of the stairs.

Before she could dwell further on her own feelings, the doorbell rang, signaling the arrival of Madi’s school friends.

“Madi, your guests are here!” Clarke called out before heading downstairs to answer the door.

Before Clarke knew it, she had ten first graders running around her living room, all of whom were already hyped up on candy and chocolate.

“Who wants to watch a movie?” Clarke suggested when the noise level climbed to new heights.

Unsurprisingly, the kids ignored her and continued their shenanigans.

Just when Clarke felt like she lost full control over the whole situation, a set of arms were wrapping around her waist and the lips she’s grown very familiar with were kissing along her neck.

“When did you adopt nine more children?” Lexa asked as Clarke leaned back into her embrace.

“Never. And I refuse to ever have more than two. This is chaotic,” Clarke sighed as she motioned to the scene in front of them.

“You gave them candy before proper food, didn’t you?” Lexa teased, making Clarke groan.

“I wanted to be the cool mom,” Clarke huffed as a random pillow went flying past hers and Lexa’s heads.

“Alright, I’ve got this,” Lexa said, placing one more kiss to Clarke’s neck before she approached the youngsters.

“1, 2, 3, eyes on me!” Lexa called out, making all the kids look to her in attention.

“1, 2, eyes on you!” They said back as they froze in place.

“I’ve got a super fun game for us to play, but I need everyone to settle down, okay?”

The kids gave Lexa their full attention, allowing her to explain a very strategic, quick-thinking game of opposites.

The entire time that Lexa held their attention, Clarke admired from the background. She loved when Lexa showed off her teacher skills and was more thankful for them now than ever before.

Soon enough, Lexa had the kids walking like astronauts and dancing like zombies with just the command of her voice.

“You can move mountains, commander,” Clarke teased as she playfully bumped her hip against Lexa’s.

“First graders are the best for this kind of stuff – Old man! They want to show off and please you,” Lexa said as they watched the kids crawl around like babies (the opposite action that was used for the command ‘old man’.)

“And you picked teenagers over this?” Clarke questioned.

“Teens can hear a swearword without crying,” Lexa explained, making Clarke laugh. “Cat!”

The kids started barking like dogs, making both adults laugh.

“How long do you think this will keep them entertained?” Clarke asked, making Lexa deadpan.

“Robots – you’ve got about five minutes. I’d start thinking of something else for them to do real quick, Griffin.”

“Fuck,” Clarke whispered before leaving Lexa’s side and hunting down the next activity.

-----

“I love sugar crashes,” Clarke sighed out in relief as she watched the kids slowly eat their slices of cake in front of the TV, which was playing Onward.

“You know their parents are going to hate you, right?” Lexa asked as she stabbed her piece of chocolate sprinkle cake.

“Well, they have another year to get over it,” Clarke shrugged, making Lexa look at her fondly.

“Another year, huh?”

“Yeah,” Clarke said as she stole Lexa’s bite of cake. “Why?”

“You told me that you were just a last stop before they found their forever family. What if they get placed before next year?” Lexa asked, making Clarke shake her head.

“I don’t think I want to be a last stop before another family steps up anymore. I might want to be the last stop period. I… I think I want to be their forever family,” Clarke admitted, making Lexa beam excitedly.

Lexa wrapped Clarke in a hug and pressed kisses all over her face, making her laugh.

“You. Are. Such. A. Good. Person,” Lexa said as she kisses Clarke between each word. “I’m so happy you finally said that!”

“I don’t want to say anything to them yet,” Clarke said, making Lexa nod.

“Of course, of course. I just… you are an amazing mother and these girls are going to be so lucky to officially call you theirs one day.”

“I doubt Ontari will be that enthusiastic,” Clarke said, frowning slightly.

“Hey, you have to remember that some of her hesitation for affection comes from the lack of stability. She doesn’t know that this will last. But the second those papers are signed, I promise she will show you how much she loves you back,” Lexa said, making Clarke smile once more.

“It’s crazy,” Clarke sighed out as she glanced at Madi. “But every time I look at them, I just know that it’s right. Those are my kids, Lex.”

“And they are so lucky to have you,” Lexa promised before kissing Clarke gently. The two women allowed themselves to get lost in each other for a moment while Madi’s friends watched the movie and slowly but surely passed out from their sugar rushes.

-----

It didn’t take long for the house to refill with guests after the kids were picked up by their parents. All of Lexa’s siblings arrived first, as well as Indra and Gustus. Raven, and Niylah arrived shortly after, having driven over together. Bellamy and Echo joined the festivities, this time with Echo sporting a baby-bump that had Clarke and Raven flocking around her. Murphy and Emori made an appearance as well, adding two matching gift bags onto the growing pile of gifts for both girls. Abby and Marcus weren’t far behind them. And finally, Octavia arrived with Hope, though she seemed much more frazzled than normal.

“Go and find Madi,” Clarke said as she stroked Hope’s hair and sent the girl upstairs. “Is everything alright?” Clarke turned to Octavia who took a deep breath before exhaling for as long as possible and pinching the bridge of her nose.

“I’m losing my mind,” Octavia said, however, she was cut off by Raven hurrying downstairs to greet her.

“Why on earth didn’t you tell us that Bellamy and Echo were expecting?!” Raven practically yelled at Octavia who glared at her.

“They wanted to keep it a secret until they passed the first trimester,” Octavia dismissed, making Raven roll her eyes.

“We grew up with all of you, you nimrod. You could’ve spilled,” Raven scolded.

“It wasn’t my secret to share,” Octavia said back, clearly growing frustrated.

“We know now,” Clarke said in hopes of diffusing the situation. “Let’s just head upstairs and get dinner going, yeah?”

The other women agreed and followed Clarke up to the main floor where everyone was congregating between the living room and the kitchen.

“I’m going to fetch Ontari,” Clarke said to Lexa in passing. “Can you get everyone settled with dinner?”

“I’m on it,” Lexa promised before turning around and heading for the kitchen. Clarke laughed when Madi and Hope trailed after her like little duckies.

Clarke continued upstairs and entered the girls’ room where Ontari was watching a movie on Lexa’s laptop. Thankfully, Lexa had taken it upon herself to offer the girl some form of entertainment a few hours ago, and it was clearly keeping her happy.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Clarke said as she sat beside Ontari and glanced at the screen. She had walked in during the climax of Rear Window, and it was clear that Ontari was fully engaged.

“It’s almost done,” Ontari promised as she chewed her nail. Clarke leaned back against the headboard and watched the remaining ten minutes with Ontari before the final scene faded out and they both snapped out of their fixation.

“You liked that movie?” Clarke asked, making Ontari nod. “I’ve got a whole collection of old films if you’re ever interested. They’re in my studio in the garage, but you’re free to go down and have a look whenever you want.”

“Really?” Ontari asked, making Clarke nod.

“Of course. But before you start a new movie you should know that everyone is here and probably getting ready to eat dinner,” Clarke said, making Ontari sigh before she flopped onto her back and looked up at the ceiling. “I should’ve asked,” Clarke conceded. “I just assumed that you would like to be celebrated since we didn’t do anything for the both of you last year.”

“It’s not the party that I’m upset about,” Ontari said, glancing briefly to Clarke who gave her full attention. “I’m sixteen. That means I’m two years away from aging out of the system, and unless I can prove that I’m capable to raise a child, I won’t be able to take Madi with me.”

“Does that worry you? That you’ll age out and be forced to leave Madi behind?” Clarke asked, making Ontari nod. “Can I let you in on a little secret?”

“Yeah,” Ontari agreed.

“I won’t leave you girls hanging like that. If you manage to age out of the system and Madi is left behind, then I will continue to be there for the both of you. I told you that this was both of your last stops before whatever came next. I will stand by that,” Clarke explained, deciding to leave out the part where she wanted to adopt them. That was going to have to stay a secret until the formalities could be worked out with Simone.

“What if you change your mind? Two years is a long time,” Ontari said.

“I’m sort of stubborn,” Clarke said as she shook her head. “It’ll take a lot to make me change my mind.”

Ontari nodded and continued to look up at the ceiling. “Thank you,” she said after a beat, making Clarke smile.

“You’re welcome. Now, why don’t we go and celebrate you by eating a ton of pizza?” Clarke suggested, making Ontari smirk and glance in her direction.

“Did you get Hawaiian?”

“I’m not a monster. Of course, I did. But you have to go and fight Bellamy for a slice before he eats it all,” Clarke teased, making Ontari smile and sit up.

“I guess I’ll go down then,” Ontari gave in. Clarke laughed and followed the teen out of the room.

Thankfully, when they got down there everyone didn’t bombard Ontari with birthday cheers. Much rather, they gave her the space she needed to get comfortable and continue to engage with one another in their private conversations. It was clear that everyone was becoming more and more well versed in the language of Ontari.

-----

“Hope, you need to eat,” Octavia stressed as she slid the now cold plate of pizza closer to the little girl. Everyone had finished eating and were in the midst of cleaning up while Octavia and Hope continued to sit at the table. With the plate in front of her, Hope scowled and simply pushed it away once more.

“I want a waffle.”

“Good fuc- I can’t. Just-,” Octavia stuttered through her words, catching Clarke’s attention. The blonde left her station of drying plates and approached Octavia.

“Can we talk?” Clarke asked her friend who sighed out in frustration.

“Do not leave this table, Hope,” Octavia warned the child who scowled at her just a bit harder.

Clarke practically dragged Octavia away and towards a quieter end of the house. Lexa and Raven were close behind.

“What’s going on?” Clarke asked, making Octavia cross her arms.

“Diyoza got deployed. She typically leaves Hope with her parents in Florida but with the school year almost ending she decided to ask me to watch her instead. At first, I thought it was going to be fine, y’know? I move into the house next door, I care for the kid that I’ve already cared for a lot before. All fine and dandy, right? Well, whoopdi-fucking-do. Turns out kids are fucking hard!”

“Woah, chill out, O,” Raven said, making Octavia glare at her.

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Clarke asked, making Octavia sigh and rub her face.

“I didn’t think it was going to be such a big deal. But it’s only been a week and Hope has managed to have a sleep strike and a hunger strike. Like, why?!” Octavia asked, clearly growing more stressed out as she spoke about it.

“Her life’s been mixed up. She’s just trying to establish some control,” Lexa chimed in. “If there’s anyone who would know about this stuff it’s Clarke and me. I was a foster kid and she’s got two of them. We’ve seen a lot.”

“I was embarrassed okay? I gave you so much slack for becoming a foster parent and for the things that the girls did at the beginning. I just- I felt like an asshole coming back to you and asking for advice.”

“That’s what friends are for, though. We help each other even when we say shitty things,” Clarke said, making Octavia nod in agreement.

“I know, know. And I’m sorry. You’ve been doing a great job with them so far and I should’ve been more understanding.”

“I have the support of so many people behind that,” Clarke explained as she grasped Octavia’s hand. “Raising a kid alone is hard. But that’s why we’re here.”

“How do I get her to eat then? It’s been two days and she refuses to eat anything that isn’t a waffle.”

“I’m on it,” Lexa said, as she turned and headed back to the kitchen.

“I’ll help her,” Raven said, also leaving the situation as she didn’t have much to supply in terms of advice.

“What else?” Clarke asked, allowing Lexa and Raven to handle one problem.

“She doesn’t want to go to school. She already skipped this whole week because I couldn’t physically pull her from the car,” Octavia explained.

“When the girls first came here, they didn’t go to school either. It was partially due to their school district changing and all of that info being passed over, but it was also because they had to get comfortable in a new situation first before diving into another one. I promise, come Monday morning she will want to go back to school.”

“And bathing. She is the worst at washing her hair!”

“Madi had that problem. Hope’s how old? Five? Six?”

“She just turned six,” Octavia said, making Clarke nod.

“I’m sure Diyoza taught her, but sometimes kids forget certain skills or neglect old habits when things get shaken up for them. She probably needs a bit of help to remember.”

“So, it isn’t weird that I wash her hair?” Octavia asked, making Clarke shake her head.

“As long as she is comfortable with it, it’s perfectly fine. Anything else?” Clarke asked, making Octavia sigh out in relief.

“That’s it for now. Thank you for helping me,” Octavia said as she pulled Clarke into a hug.

“I’m your best friend, aren’t I? I’m supposed to be there for you.”

“I feel like such a jerk for what I said about the girls. I really mean it when I say that you’ve done a great job with them,” Octavia said, making Clarke smile gratefully.

“I promise you and Hope will find your routine soon. Just give it time,” Clarke said making Octavia hug her once more for good measure.

“I love you, Clarke.”

“Love you too, O. Now let’s go see what Lexa did to make Hope eat.”

Together, the two friends returned to the kitchen were, sure enough, Lexa had Hope eating her slice of pizza.

“How did you-?” Octavia asked before she got closer and noticed the eggo waffle in front of Lexa.

“Compromise,” Lexa explained as she cut another piece of waffle off with the fork and fed it to Hope. One bite of waffle for two bites of pizza. It was a solid enough method.

“Thank you,” Octavia said as she hugged Lexa from behind.

“Aunty O, I’m eating the pizza like you asked,” Hope said.

“She wants praise,” Lexa whispered to Octavia who nodded and approached the child.

“I’m so proud of you, Hope. Thank you for doing as I asked,” Octavia said to the child who smiled a toothy grin before opening her mouth for another bite of waffle.

“I hope you have eggos at home,” Lexa said after Hope took her piece of waffle.

“I’ll be buying them first thing in the morning,” Octavia promised as she watched Hope finish her slice of pizza.

Clarke knew that the smile that spread onto her friend’s face was fueled by nothing other than pride. And she knew just how good that smile felt.

-----

Ontari wasn’t sure what to do with herself as the large group of people sang happy birthday to her and Madi. She hated being the center of attention, but Clarke wanted to celebrate the both of them, and this was part of the deal. So, while she suffered through the song, Ontari kept her eyes glued on Madi.

Madi was smiling giddily at her number 7 candle and watching the small flame flicker like it was dancing to the song. She seemed so happy. Much happier than Ontari had ever seen her. And despite the gift pile and the people that surrounded them, Ontari couldn’t think of any better gift than seeing her little sister this happy.

“Happy birthday to you,” Ontari quietly sang the last bit to her sister before squeezing her hand and encouraging her to blow out the candle. Madi closed her eyes tightly before standing on her toes and blowing the flame out.

“Your turn, Ontari,” Clarke spoke up, reminding Ontari that she had her own number 16 candle to blow out.

“Make a wish,” Madi said as she gave her sister’s hand a tug.

Ontari nodded and closed her eyes for a beat before blowing out the two flames.

Clapping surrounded the two sisters, but all Ontari could focus on was Madi. If all else failed, she could only hope that her wish for Madi to stay with these people would come true. They’re Madi’s family. And Madi was theirs.

It would be selfish for Ontari to fight that reality.

Notes:

clarke wants to adopt the girls? octavia is the temporary guardian of hope? ontari is worried about aging out of the system? what could possibly go wrong?

oh right ;)

well, as always, here's the calm before the storm. we'll be arriving at angst central in a few days, so please take this time to prepare yourselves.

as for this chapter, i'd like to point out that clarke did make a mistake as a parent but she was able to work through it with ontari in a healthy way instead of their typical arguing. that is what we call character growth (for the both of them).

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 18: the very heart of human existence

Notes:

"who on earth would not long to be fought for? is this not the very heart of human existence, to be worth fighting for, worth losing everything for?" - andrew sean greer

When Simone stops by for her next home visit, Clarke is much more prepared. The house, despite looking lived in, had some sense of order, and Ontari opted to not make pancakes that morning, which was a good bonus.

After running through her routine checklist and speaking with the girls in private, Simone sat with Clarke at the kitchen table to go over what’s been running through Clarke’s mind.

“I have a good idea of what you want to ask, but why don’t you go ahead and tell me,” Simone said as she sipped a glass of water.

“I want to adopt the girls,” Clarke said softly, doing her best to prevent the girls from hearing her from upstairs.

“I must say, I’m a bit surprised,” Simone said as she smiled lightly. “I saw it coming, but this is a drastic change from just a few months back.”

“I’ve really fallen for them. I can’t imagine my life without them,” Clarke said, her excited smile growing some more.

“I can definitely look into it for you, but you have to remember that this sort of stuff isn’t a guarantee. I don’t want you to get your hopes up,” Simone reminded, sobering Clarke a bit.

“I know. I know, I just, I still want to try,” Clarke said, making Simone nod and pull something out from her bag.

“These things also take time. Ontari could age out of the system before you are able to adopt them.”

“I’ll just adopt Madi then. I want to do this, Simone. I really do.”

Simone sorted through her bag some more before pulling out two pamphlets and setting them down in front of Clarke.

“This has information about foster to adoption,” Simone said as she pointed to one pamphlet. “And this one has information about adopting a legal adult. If Ontari ages out, you are still able to become her legal guardian.”

“I’ll do that then. I’ll make these girls my legal children no matter what,” Clarke said, a certain finality in her tone that proved she would jump through whatever hoops she had to in order to be the legal mother of both her girls.

“I’ll do what I can for your family then,” Simone promised, making Clarke smile grateful.

-----

After speaking to Simone, Ontari and Madi stayed in their room to give the two women some privacy downstairs. It wasn't long after Simone left them alone, however, that Ontari felt the urge to pee.

Moving quickly, the teen left her room and walked to the washroom. Just as she stepped past the threshold, Ontari caught the tail end of something Clarke said.

“I’ll just adopt Madi then. I want to do this, Simone. I really do.”

Ontari felt like a stone had been dropped in her stomach. She wasn’t sure if she was going to be sick, or if she was going to punch a wall.

Clarke didn’t want her. It didn’t surprise Ontari. Not one bit. But it hurt, and Ontari wasn’t entirely sure why that was.

Maybe it was because she thought Clarke was kinder than that. That Clarke would be nice enough to Madi to adopt the both of them.

But maybe Madi didn’t need her anymore, and that’s why Clarke was going to adopt her alone. She’d get Madi and Ontari would go back into the system and everything would be good and normal in their lives. No more back-talk, no more yelling. Just peace.

Ontari was the chaos that people didn’t want in their lives.

She was disposable, so she should’ve seen it coming.

But she didn’t.

And it hurt.

And Ontari felt smaller than ever before as she curled up on the bathroom floor and let the panic attack take over her body.

-----

The same day as Simone’s check-in, Ontari had a big hockey game that warranted the presence of Lexa’s siblings and their significant others. The teen didn’t want a big crowd, but Lexa promised to keep the group under control and at the back of the bleachers so then they wouldn’t throw her off her game.

Before it was time to leave for the game, Clarke made Ontari a special dinner and went upstairs to bring the girl down to eat.

“Ontari, I made you something to eat,” Clarke said as she walked into the room. Ontari was in the midst of packing her gear, but the glare she shot at Clarke was unexpected on the blonde’s end.

“I’m not hungry,” Ontari mumbled as she shoved her hockey pants into her bag.

“You should eat something, though. It’ll help you concentrate more on the ice,” Clarke said, only receiving a second glare.

“I said, I’m not hungry. Now get out!” Ontari barked, making Clarke raise her eyebrows in surprise.

“What’s going on? Are you stressed about the game?”

“No! I don’t want to eat, and I don’t want you to bother me. Get out!” Ontari yelled again. Clarke took a step back and raised her hands in surrender this time.

“Okay. I don’t know what’s wrong, but you need to take a breather. If you want to talk, I’ll be downstairs with Madi.”

With that, Clarke left the room, leaving Ontari to continue packing her bag in a huff. Just as she shoved her jersey into it, a stray tear tumbled down her cheek and landed on the navy-blue material.

“Fuck,” Ontari whispered as she wiped her face with her hands. She swore she wouldn’t let what happened earlier bug her, but clearly, she couldn’t control it.

She was pissed, and her anger was reaching a boiling point. She only hoped that she could control it on the ice.

-----

After leaving Ontari at the changing rooms, Clarke led Madi over to their group who were carrying signs with Ontari’s name and number on them.

“Isn’t this exciting?” Anya gushed when Clarke joined them, making the blonde smile weakly.

“What’s going on?” Lexa asked, instantly picking up on Clarke’s downtrodden attitude.

“Ontari’s livid. I don’t know what happened but she’s so angry today. Just on the ride over she nearly tore my head off for suggesting that we go out for ice cream after the game.”

“Maybe she’s stressed?” Lexa suggested as she watched Madi and Hope excitedly wave team Polis flags that Gaia handed to them.

“Maybe, but she hasn’t been this angry in a long time. I’m genuinely concerned for the other players today,” Clarke said, as she rubbed the bridge of her nose.

“I wouldn’t get too worried,” Lexa said as she nodded in the direction of two girls from the opposing team. They were tall girls who clearly carried themselves in a way that suggested they couldn’t be pushed around.

“Holy fuck, they’re like 7’ feet tall!” Raven commented, making Clarke glare at her for her language.

“Try, 6’1”. You were close though,” Anya said, making Raven roll her eyes.

“You know what I mean. Ontari is like 5’1”? 5’2”?” Raven asked, making Clarke shrug.

“She’s still got some wicked aggression to burn off. Maybe it’s a good thing those girls are so big. Less damage,” Clarke said, making Lexa look at her in concern.

“You know, if it’s that bad maybe you should talk to Luna. It would be really bad if Ontari hurt someone else or herself for that matter.”

“And risk making her more pissed at me? No way. I trust Luna. She’ll be able to read Ontari well enough,” Clarke said, giving up full control to the coach.

“Clarke-,” Lexa started to say, only to be interrupted by their group saying it was time to head into the rink.

“She’ll be fine, Lex,” Clarke eased as she took her girlfriend’s hand. “If I see it escalating, I’ll talk to Luna, okay?”

“Okay,” Lexa agreed as she went towards their usual bench at the top.

The crowd was larger than usual, but it was clear which player had the most support in the stands. When number 28 stepped out onto the ice, the upper section broke out into loud cheers.

Ontari clearly ignored them. She was in the zone. She was at her most lethal.

-----

“She needs to stop picking fights,” Clarke sighed when the ref blew his whistle and stepped between Ontari and one of the larger girls from the opposing team. They were only halfway through the second period and Ontari had gotten into a verbal spat with the same girl four times now.

Luna waved Ontari over and held to the girl’s helmet cage, a clear sign that her patience was wearing thin and that she was ready to pull Ontari from the ice.

The conversation ended with Luna patting Ontari’s arm and sending her back out. They continued from where they were stopped and Ontari managed to play a clean ten minutes to end the second period.

Team Polis was up by 2, which was a good leg to have on the other team, but it definitely wasn’t time to be getting sloppy.

“Jesus, 28!” Another hockey parent cried out when Ontari advanced on a player and forced her down onto the ice. The ref called another penalty and gave the opposing team a penalty shot, which they thankfully missed.

Luna seemed to signal to Ontari that she had one last chance, which the girl took seriously for what could’ve only been a minute.

Ontari managed to get another goal for her team, which distracted her from her anger. She seemed to play less aggressively and stole the puck back from the opposing team in a clean, un-penalty worthy way. As she rounded her team's net in hopes of getting the puck to the other end of the rink, the crowd cheered her for her clean steal.

When Ontari prepared to speed forward, the girl that she had been on the ass of the entire game came out of nowhere and slammed her against the sideboard.

There was an audible gasp from the crowd, and Clarke was on her feet before she could even see if Ontari got up on her own or not. As she rushed down the bleachers and towards the player's box, Clarke watched as two of Ontari’s teammates got her up and helped her towards Luna.

It was clear that Ontari wasn’t okay, but she’d be dammed if she didn’t fight that too.

-----

Ontari could admit to playing dirty. She was letting her emotions dictate her actions too much and it made for some nasty gameplay.

By the third period, she had cleaned up her act a bit and was prepared to assist her team on another goal when an incredible force slammed into her body and forced her to fold over the sideboard.

Her left side took a brunt of the force, and despite the protective layers, Ontari knew her ribs took a beating. She was winded and couldn’t help the small coughs she did to try to get some air.

With the help of Adria and Tris, Ontari found herself being brought over to Luna who was waiting to check her over.

“What hurts?” Luna asked as soon as she was in reaching distance.

“I’m fine,” Ontari lied as she struggled to take a proper breath.

“Fine or not, you’re still benched. That was a bad hit,” Luna said, making the anger bubble in Ontari once more.

“I said- I’m fine!” Ontari yelled as she steadied herself on her own and stood independently from Tris and Adria.

“Bench. Now,” Luna said as she pointed to the bench behind her.

“Fuck you!” Ontari yelled, most likely loud enough for the entire crowd to hear. She didn’t care, however, as she stepped into the player's box, chucked her stick to the ground, and marched off to the changing room.

“Ontari, you can’t leave!” Luna called after her player. Clarke appeared just as Luna looked prepared to go after the teen.

“I’ve got her,” Clarke promised, making Luna nod and give control over to the blonde.

Ontari, way ahead of her coach and whoever else tried to follow, entered the locker room and threw her gloves to the ground. She felt like her skin was on fire and all of her layers certainly weren’t helping.

“Fuck!” Ontari screamed as she tried to pull her helmet off of her head. Her breaths started coming in short spurts, and the blacks spots that swam in her vision forced her to sit on the bench as she continued to struggle with her helmet.

Just when she felt ready to explode, Clarke entered the room and crouched in front of her.

“Ontari, breathe,” Clarke said as she placed a firm hand onto Ontari’s knee.

“Don’t touch me!” Ontari yelled past her broken breaths. A distressed whimper left the teen’s mouth as she started to claw at her neck guard with one hand.

“Let’s get this off,” Clarke said, ignoring Ontari’s previous demand. With a quick motion, Clarke unclipped the cage from Ontari’s helmet and lifted it up and off her head, allowing Ontari to feel the smallest bit of relief.

“Lea-ve me a-lone,” Ontari sobbed as she fought the remainder of her gear.

“I’m not going to leave,” Clarke quietly said, moving on to help remove the girl’s neck guard. It did little to help steady Ontari’s dangerously erratic breaths, however. “C’mon, sweetheart. You need to take some slower breaths,” Clarke said as she pulled Ontari’s jersey off and then unhooked her shoulder pads.

“Stop-p it-t-t,” Ontari sobbed out. Her body was giving up on her and she seemed entirely unable to get her gear off, let alone push Clarke away.

Clarke ignored her and continued getting her out of the gear.

As Ontari’s panic attack kept getting worse, Clarke managed to get her down to her regular shorts, her sports bra, and her long socks. It came as a small surprise to the blonde that Ontari had her number 28 pendant still around her neck.

“I-I-I ca-n’t,” Ontari cried as she continued to struggle for air.

“You can, baby. You can. Just deep breaths,” Clarke coached as she opted to pull the socks off of Ontari as well.

“You do-n’t wan-t-t me,” Ontari whimpered out, gaining Clarke’s full attention.

“What, baby?” Clarke asked as she cupped the hot, wet cheeks of the panicking girl.

“Yo-u o-only want Madi-ii,” Ontari managed to sob out. Clarke tried her best to piece together what Ontari was saying. It eventually occurred to her that Ontari may have overheard her conversation with Simone earlier that day.

“Did you hear me talk to Simone?” Clarke asked, making Ontari nod as she gasped for more air. “I don’t just want Madi, Ontari. I want you too. I want the both of you,” Clarke said, making something almost like relief briefly cross Ontari’s face. “I could never not want you, baby.”

Ontari cried a bit harder at that affirmation.

“I need you to breathe now, okay? With me, sweetheart,” Clarke coached as she carefully guided one of Ontari’s hands to rest over the pulse point of her own neck so she could focus on the consistent thumping of her heart. “You feel that? Focus on it,” Clarke said as Ontari nodded and closed her eyes.

She let herself feel Clarke’s heartbeat on her fingertips and tried to ease her choppy breathes into longer, steadier ones.

“You’re almost there, sweetheart,” Clarke whispered in encouragement. “It’s okay now.”

Ontari coughed a bit as she settled her breathing, making Clarke reach for the second water bottle in her gear bag and open it. With gentle movements, Clarke helped Ontari sip the water and wiped the excess away with her hand.

“Are you hurt?” Clarke asked once Ontari seemed more stable than before.

“No,” Ontari said as she shook her head. She had yet to move her hand from Clarke’s pulse point.

“Can I check?” Clarke asked. Ontari, being too out of it, almost agreed. But then she remembered it was her left side, and then she remembered her scar, which quickly made her shake her head.

“I’m fine,” Ontari said as she took her hand from Clarke’s collar bone and used it to cover her ribs.

Clarke seemed to respect her need to keep it covered and reached to grab a fresh shirt and some shoes for Ontari to wear.

Without even having to ask, Clarke helped ease Ontari into the new shirt and then proceeded to fix the shoes onto her feet.

“I can do it,” Ontari weakly said when Clarke moved to pack up her things.

“I want to,” Clarke said as she briefly squeezed one of Ontari’s hands before moving to pack her things once more. “Now, you have two options. You can go back out to your team or we can go home. You have to decide.”

Ontari mulled her options over. Despite losing her cool, Ontari had to be there for her team for their second to last game of the season. She also owed Luna an apology for lashing out. It was clear what her only option was.

“Let’s go back,” Ontari said as she shakily got to her feet. Clarke was quick to get to her right side and help escort her back to the rink where the game was on its last five minutes. Team Polis was up by one and were still fighting to keep their advantage by the looks of it.

Clarke helped Ontari to the players' box and set her down just as the ref blew his whistle. With the slight distraction, Luna turned her attention back to her returned player and crouched in front of her.

“Are you okay? Anything broken?” Luna asked as she looked between Ontari and Clarke.

“Some bruising,” Clarke said, as she rubbed Ontari’s back gently. “It was mainly an emotional situation.”

Luna nodded her understanding and gave Ontari’s knee a supportive squeeze.

“I’m sorry for swearing at you,” Ontari said to her coach who waved her off.

“I know you are. Water under the bridge, yeah?” Luna said, making Ontari nod and smile weakly.

“I’m going to leave you with Luna, but if you need help getting back to locker room you can wave me over, okay?” Clarke said as she also crouched next to Ontari.

The teen nodded just as the whistle blew, signaling the starting up of the game again.

With that, Luna returned to coaching and Clarke left Ontari with one last hand squeeze.

Ontari watched as her team won the game, but she couldn’t help but look over at the bleachers and watch her people cheer for her win.

Her people.

It felt good to think that.

Notes:

who else thinks ontari needs a hug? who wants more angst?

if you said yes to both things then you'll love friday's chapter.

truthfully this chapter was shorter and less angsty than i made it seem, but that's only because i mixed up chapter 18 and 19. in other words, chapter 19 is the big angst ball that will really take you for a ride.

as always, thank you for the constant support. i love to see what you all have to say about this story.

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 19: the way it stops and starts

Notes:

"sometimes i'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. the way it stops and starts" - edgar allan poe

Shortly after the end of Ontari’s hockey season, the school year came to an end as well. Lexa returned to spending days at a time with Clarke’s family, and she started her own morning routines with the girls as Clarke continued to go to her studio four times a week.

The mundanity of their lifestyle was welcomed, and it was easy to fall into. Before Clarke or Lexa could truly recognize it, they were acting like a family of four and were being considered as such by everyone in their friend/family group. Despite Clarke’s fear that she was forcing Lexa into a motherly role, Lexa was quick to promise that she liked what they had going for them and was happy to fill those shoes as a second mother-figure to the girls.

Lexa’s help became even more impactful when Ontari’s panic attacks started coming closer and more intense in between. Her walls were crumbling, which was good, but with those breakthroughs came intense episodes of fear that were triggered by all of her experienced trauma. And Ontari had a lot of trauma to work through.

Clarke was well versed in talking the teen through her panic, but when she wasn’t around Lexa was always ready to step up and take her place.

Despite those intense moments of emotion, there was a certain peace that settled over the house. Everyone was happy, and things were good.

For the fourth of July, Lexa’s parents decided to throw a large backyard barbeque. Close to thirty people were set to join in the festivities, something that Clarke and Lexa thought would be manageable; until it wasn’t.

“I don’t want to go,” Ontari said as she sat on the couch across from Lexa and Clarke. She crossed her arms and attempted to set her scowl, however, there was much less anger set behind it. Much rather, Clarke was easily able to note the fear that clouded Ontari’s eyes.

“I know it’s a lot of people,” Lexa started to say, only to have Ontari interrupt her.

“You guys can take Madi. I don’t even like celebrating the fourth of July. It’s a stupid holiday,” Ontari argued before she clenched her fists. Her hands were shaking already. It was clearly becoming harder for her to hide her emotions from the two older women.

“Let’s not worry about the barbeque for a minute,” Clarke said, hoping to cut the panic attack off before it even had a chance to start. The blonde moved to sit next to Ontari where she gently untangled her crossed arms and held to one of her shaking clenched fists. “Deep breaths, yeah?” Clarke said as she exaggerated her own breathing for Ontari to copy.

“I’m fine,” Ontari said despite the wobbling of her chin.

“I know you are. I just want us to slow down for a few seconds,” Clarke said as she massaged Ontari’s clenched hand until it slowly opened. “Just hold my hand for a minute.”

Skillfully, Clarke maneuvered Ontari’s hand so then the teen’s fingertips were rested over her pulse point on her wrist. When Ontari sensed the spot, she pressed her fingers down a bit to feel Clarke’s pulse, effectively easing some of her shakiness.

“There we go,” Clarke whispered as she used her other hand to squeeze Ontari’s knee. Pressure and focal points were great ways to get Ontari down from a panic attack, and this time it helped prevent one altogether. “If it worries you that much, we don’t have to go,” Clarke said after a beat.

“You won’t leave me alone right?” Ontari asked as she looked between both Clarke and Lexa.

“One of us will always be by your side if that’s what you want,” Lexa promised, making Ontari nod weakly.

“I guess we can go,” she agreed, making Clarke smile at her proudly.

“If you start feeling uncomfortable, we can always head home, okay?” Clarke said as she reached up to brush back some of Ontari’s hair.

“Okay. Can we sit here a bit longer?” Ontari asked as she pressed her fingers against Clarke’s wrist a bit harder.

“As long as you need, sweetheart,” Clarke promised as she returned her hand to the teen knee in order to resume the squeezing. Ontari shut her eyes and took a deep breath, doing her best to focus all of her attention on the pressure of Clarke’s hand on her knee and the feeling of her heartbeat against her fingertips.

-----

Clarke, Lexa, and the girls arrived at the fourth of July celebration at 11am. By the time they got there, several of the guests had already made it and the backyard was bustling with more than half of the set guest list.

At the sight of the crowd, Ontari subconsciously pressed herself closer to Clarke’s back, something that did not go unnoticed by the blonde. Clarke subtly reached behind herself and grasped Ontari’s hand, allowing the girl to hold to her as they made their way over to Indra who was working with Gustus at the barbeque.

“My babies!” Indra gushed when she saw the family make their way over. She abandoned the cheese she was placing onto burgers and warmly embraced Lexa, Clarke, and Madi. For Ontari, Indra gave the girl’s arm a gentle squeeze as she smiled at her kindly.

“This barbeque just gets crazier with the years, doesn’t it?” Lexa asked her mom who laughed and waved her off.

“Well, of course it gets crazier. You kids keep bringing new people into our lives,” Gutus said from his place at the barbeque.

“Gustus, can I help?” Madi spoke up as she went over to the larger man and looked up at the barbeque.

“I would love that!” Gutus enthused as he hoisted Madi up and onto his hip as to keep her further away from the hot grill.

“I guess we’ll be leaving her with you then,” Clarke said, smiling at Madi and Gustus who were already deep into their own conversation.

“You three go get drinks and mingle. Your dad and I will take good care of Madi,” Indra promised as she returned to her cheese.

“You can give her back if she gets in the way,” Clarke reminded Gutus and Indra before following Lexa towards the self-serve bar. All their friends had already gathered there and were mixing drinks as they chatted in their large group.

“Look who decided to join the fun,” Luna greeted as she made room in their circle and kindly rubbed Ontari’s back when she stepped out from behind Clarke a bit.

“Of course you’ve staked claim over the bar,” Lexa said to Lincoln who was pouring various shots of hard liquor into a cocktail shaker.

“I’m making a Lincoln special,” Lincoln stated as he capped the shaker and began to toss it around theatrically.

“In other words, a shitfaced medley,” Anya snarked, as she glanced at her watch. “Are we alcoholics for drinking before 1?” she asked as she knocked back the rest of her whiskey.

“It’s a holiday. Time doesn’t matter,” Lincoln dismissed as he poured his concoction into several shot glasses.

“Why do I feel scared accepting that?” Raven asked when a glass was extended her way by Lincoln.

“Because you watched him make it,” Luna said as she took the shot glass. “Just pretend like it’s any old shot.”

“I’m going to pass,” Clarke said when Lincoln extended one her way. She could feel Ontari on edge from the moment they entered the party and Clarke wanted to be as present as possible in case the girl took a turn. Not to mention, it felt incredibly inappropriate to drink in front of her kid.

“Count me out too, Linc. Drinking at a 11am seems like an automatic hard pass,” Lexa said as she went over to the bar side and started to grab regular drinks for herself, Clarke, and Ontari.

“Boo. You’re both boring,” Lincoln said, before pausing and realizing how many of his friends actually accepted a shot. Anya, Niylah, Gaia, Luna, Raven, and Murphy. That was it. “Really guys? You aren’t having one?” Lincoln asked to Octavia, Bellamy, Echo, and Emori.

“I’m pregnant,” Echo reminded, although she didn’t have to as her six-month bump was reminder enough.

“She’s pregnant,” Bellamy echoed, giving his reason to Lincoln.

“I have to watch Hope,” Octavia said, although Lincoln was already well aware of this.

“Emori?” Lincoln asked, making the woman shake her head.

“I can’t,” Emori simply stated, making everyone look at her suspiciously. She was never one to pass up a good drinking opportunity.

“But that- ohh,” Clarke said when realization set in. She smiled giddily when she noticed it first but had to hold her tongue in case Emori didn’t feel like sharing with everyone.

“Wait, really?” Raven asked, also picking up on the subtle suggestion.

“It’s still early,” Emori said, which instantly tipped off the rest of the group and got a chorus of cheers going.

“When did everyone start having kids?” Raven asked as she embraced Emori and then Murphy. “Seriously, first Clarke, then Echo and Bell, then Octavia, and now you two. That’s a fuck load of kiddos.”

“To be fair, Hope has an actual mom,” Octavia reminded. “I’m just being a super helpful aunt.”

“It still counts,” Raven remarked. “Looks like the rest of us have some catching up to do.”

“Speaking of, can I steal you for a minute, babe?” Luna spoke up, making Raven balance.

“You’re not pregnant right? Because I know I can’t get you pregnant-,”

“I’m not pregnant you dope. Just come with me for a minute,” Luna said, extending a hand to her girlfriend. Raven begrudgingly accepted it, quickly taking her shot as they started walking away.

“Holy shit! Lincoln, that’s nasty!” Raven called out as Luna continued to drag her away.

“Every time,” Lincoln laughed as he also knocked back his own shot.

“Clarke, I’m going to go sit with Rigel and read,” Ontari said quietly, gaining Clarke’s attention.

“That’s fine. Lex and I will be here, okay? And if we get separated you can text me to find you, alright?”

Ontari nodded and left the adults to continue their conversation while she made her way over to the tree at the far corner of the yard where Rigel was sprawled out. The noise was significantly lessened and the calming feeling of petting the dog helped to ease some of Ontari’s nerves, which made for a more tolerable experience.

She could handle the next few hours if she could stay under the tree. She just hoped that nobody tried to bring her back into the crowd.

-----

“Clarke, Octavia, we need to talk,” Raven said as she hurriedly approached her friends not long after speaking to her girlfriend.

“What’s wrong?” Clarke asked as she allowed for Raven to grab her arm and drag her away from their friend group.

“Geez, Ray. Loosen your grip,” Octavia grumbled as she finally pried her wrist free and shook it out.

“Luna wants a kid,” Raven said, instantly making Octavia and Clarke give her their full attention.

“Like, with you?” Clarke asked as she furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. Luna and Raven had been going out just a few months longer than her and Lexa, which made it a bit odd that she wanted to bring a kid into the equation. Then again, lesbians were always known for moving quickly, and Luna was very, very, gay.

“Wait, are we talking a baby, a full child-?” Octavia started, only to earn a confused look from Clarke who quickly cut her off.

“What’s a full child? Isn’t a baby a full person?” Clarke asked, making Octavia roll her eyes.

“You know what I mean. There’s baby, child, teen.”

“So say, ‘baby, child, teen.’ Saying ‘full child’ sounds weird,” Clarke pressed on with her point.

“Guys!” Raven snapped out, once again gaining her friends' full attention. “She said that one of her hockey players was kicked out by her mom and has been jumping around her friends’ homes for a while.”

“Who is it?” Clarke asked, wondering if it was one of Ontari’s teammates.

“Adria. She’s on-,”

“Ontari’s team. Yeah, I know,” Clarke agreed before asking, “How did she find out that Adria was kicked out?”

“She sent out the registration packets for the next season and received a call from Adria’s mom that she wouldn’t be returning. Luna, being Luna, felt like something was off and tracked Adria down herself.”

“So, she wants to take Adria in?” Octavia clarified, making Raven nod. “And this is the first you’re hearing of this?”

“She just talked to Adria this morning I guess,” Raven explained before rubbing the back of her neck. “She said she hadn’t offered anything to Adria yet since she wanted to check in with me first.”

“Well, at least she’s being considerate about it,” Octavia supplied, making Raven release an insufferable sigh.

“I can’t say no, can I? She’s a kid without a home and I would be a monster for telling my girlfriend she shouldn’t do it,” Raven inquired, making her friends shrug unsurely.

“I know you may not want to hear this, but I think Luna’s going to take Adria in either way,” Clarke began to say. “She wants you to have a say in it, but she’s also going to help this girl out with or without you. The real question is, are you going to step up and help her through this?”

“We’ve barely been together for a year,” Raven said as she briefly glanced at Luna who was across the yard and deep in a conversation with someone. “But I love her like crazy and I don’t want to force her to choose between me and her player.”

“So, I guess you’re going to be a step-in parent to a teen, then?” Octavia asked as a smile began to spread onto her face.

“Luna’s going to be the real parent in this whole thing. I’m going to be her support system,” Raven clarified, though it still didn’t stop Octavia’s smiling.

“Guys, we all have kids now,” Octavia gushed, making the other two women roll their eyes playfully. “Granted, Clarke’s the only legit mom here, but still.”

“A guardian is a guardian,” Clarke said to Octavia. “You’re raising Hope just as much as I’m raising Ontari and Madi.”

“I should tell Luna to talk to Adria I guess,” Raven said, bringing the conversation back to its central point. “Fuck, guys. I don’t know how to be a parent.”

“Take it day by day. Follow Luna’s lead. And make sure to communicate with her all the time,” Clarke said, before grasping her friend’s hand. “You’re both doing a good thing. Adria is still a young girl who isn’t ready to be out in the world on her own. If you can help her out for a while it’ll make all the difference.”

“And Clarke and I are always here for the both of you,” Octavia added, making Raven smile gratefully.

“I’m going to talk to Luna,” Raven said before she squeezed her friends’ hands and walked back to her girlfriend.

Octavia and Clarke allowed themselves to stand together for a beat and watch the party go on around them.

Madi and Hope were playing with Nova and giggling up a storm, making both women smile contently.

“We all are parents now, aren’t we?” Clarke asked thoughtfully as she waved to Madi who gave her a toothy grin.

“Does this mean we can start meeting up for 11am brunch after dropping our kids off at school?” Octavia asked, making Clarke shake her head.

“No,” the blonde sighed as she smirked and started to walk away.

“But, Clarke!” Octavia protested as she quickly followed behind her friend. “What about the mimosas!”

-----

The party was fun chaos from the start. People drank, people ate, people played backyard games.

Madi managed to consume several ice cream sandwiches after convincing many different people that she hadn’t had one yet and wanted to try; it was cute at first discovery, but Clarke was quickly left with a grouchy seven-year-old who had a stomach ache and was crashing due to the sugar.

Thankfully, Ontari managed to keep to herself under the tree without any disturbance, which allowed for Clarke to focus on Madi who was teetering closer and closer to a meltdown.

“Hey everyone, we’re going to get the fireworks going in a minute!” Gustus called out to the large group of people, making them all flock towards the cleared patch of yard, which he already marked off with spray paint to keep people a safe distance away.

“Fireworks?” Madi asked, perking up a bit when she realized what Gustus said. “I’ve never seen fireworks!”

“Will the fireworks fix that grouchy attitude of yours?” Clarke asked as she crouched beside the little girl who was now bouncing excitedly.

“Yes! I’m much better. Can we watch the fireworks, mama?”

“Let’s go,” Clarke smiled as she picked the girl up and carried her over to the crowd. The first firework was lit and went off with a noisy whiz and then pop. Everyone cheered and encouraged Gustus to release another.

Lexa, who was starting to approach Clarke and Madi after exiting the house, noticed Ontari jump harshly when the first firework popped.

Changing routes, Lexa hurried towards Ontari who covered her ears and tucked her legs into her chest; both were clear signs that she was scared.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Lexa eased when she knelt beside Ontari. Just then a second firework popped, making Ontari jump once more and whimper. “Let’s go inside, Ontari,” Lexa said, hoping the girl would agree to do so quickly as to avoid hearing a third firework.

Ontari, however, was unable to hear Lexa’s words. She had her headphones in and had failed to hear anything but the loud pops and the buzzing in her ears.

“Lexa,” Ontari whimpered in fear. A third firework popped, which made Ontari’s shaking start aggressively.

“It’s okay,” Lexa eased as she tucked her arms under Ontari’s armpits and gently hauled the girl to her feet. Ontari was unbalanced and much too stubborn to let go of her ears, but it was enough that she was standing; Lexa could work with her standing.

By the time Lexa managed to half-walk/half-drag Ontari into the house, two more fireworks were released, which only made Ontari slip deeper into her panic attack.

Thinking quickly, Lexa led Ontari towards the front office at the entrance of the house. It was the furthest away from the popping noise, and it had a couch, which was enough for Lexa to work with.

Just when Ontari looked prepared to collapse, Lexa managed to get her seated on the couch. That’s when the sobbing started.

“I’m sorry,” Ontari cried, her hands still clamped over her ears and her eyes now squeezed shut.

“Shh. It’s okay,” Lexa said softly as she held onto the girl and rubbed her back. “Deep breaths.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Ontari continued to say, her mantra being broken up by sobs, and ragged breaths.

“Ontari, look at me. You don’t have to apologize,” Lexa said as she cupped the girl’s cheeks and forced her to look at her. “It’s okay, sweetie. You’re safe.”

Ontari merely shook her head and clenched her hands, which were still pressed over her ears.

“Do you want to hold my hand? Will that help?” Lexa asked, unknowingly speaking to deft ears. When Ontari didn’t respond, Lexa took it upon herself to gently pry one of Ontari’s hands away from her head and position it into her own hand properly.

Sensing the gesture, Ontari took control and set her fingers over Lexa’s pulse point. It was a step in the right direction.

“Good girl,” Lexa praised as she used her other hand to gently pull the earbud out in hopes of letting Ontari hear her better. “Good girl,” she repeated for good measure. “Deep breaths.”

Ontari nodded, a sign that she now heard Lexa.

“I’m sorry,” Ontari repeated as she closed her eyes and focused on the hand squeezing her knee and the feeling of Lexa’s pulse point.

“Stop apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong,” Lexa reminded, making the girl shake her head.

“I did,” Ontari sobbed out. “I did something wrong.”

“What did you do then?” Lexa asked, hoping that Ontari could explain her reaction.

“I told them to stop,” Ontari managed to say past her shuddered breaths and sobs. “I said stop and he-,” Ontari choked on her words and allowed deeply painful cries consume her.

“What did he do, sweetheart?” Lexa asked as she leaned forward and pressed her forehead against the side of Ontari’s head. “Talk to me.”

“He shot his gun at me,” Ontari cried as she clenched her eyes shut and shook her head. “Why did he shoot at me?” Ontari whimpered out the question quietly.

Lexa’s heart broke at the desperation in Ontari’s tone. It was clear that a lot of the abuse the teen suffered was left unexplained, which made her reactive to most things since she didn’t know what made people hurt her.

Lexa sighed and let go of Ontari’s knee. She pulled the girl into her arms held her closely while Ontari continued to cry into her chest.

As Lexa held Ontari, she heard footsteps start to approach the office. The door opened to reveal Clarke whose face went from relieved to saddened.

“What happened?” Clarke asked quietly as she entered the room and crouched in front of Ontari. As soon as she was in reach, Ontari took Clarke’s hand and set her fingers onto the spot that she knew would calm her.

“The fireworks,” Lexa explained, making Clarke frown before a look of realization dawned her face.

“I’m sorry, baby. I should’ve remembered,” Clarke said as she rubbed Ontari’s back.

“Remembered?” Lexa asked, making Clarke look at her again.

“Simone told me that the girls were removed from their last home because the foster dad was using a gun as a threat,” Clarke explained, tears welling in her own eyes as she thought about how scared Ontari must’ve been to hear the fireworks.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Clarke said to Ontari who shook her head and took a calming breath.

“Not your fault,” the teen hiccupped as she sniffled back some of her tears.

“Let’s just all take a few minutes to calm down, okay?” Lexa suggested, making Ontari nod against her chest and Clarke weakly nod as well.

Together, Clarke and Lexa helped Ontari work all the way down from her panic attack. Unfortunately, both were left with many questions that would have to go unanswered. The most important one that sat on the forefront of their minds: why did someone shoot at Ontari?

-----

“You’re so good with her,” Clarke said quietly as she sat on the opposite side of a now sleeping Ontari. The teen fell asleep after a long cry, and neither woman was prepared to move her to the car just yet. She needed a minute to rest, and she looked rather comfortable nestled in Lexa’s arms.

“I just did what you do,” Lexa waved off, making Clarke shake her head.

“No, Lex. You did this. She still doesn’t accept full physical embraces from me. This is big,” Clarke said as she motioned to the current position of her girlfriend and daughter.

“Well, pressure helps, and a hug is just a lot of pressure, isn’t it?” Lexa suggested, making Clarke laugh lightly.

“I can’t argue that. Thank you for calming her down nonetheless,” Clarke said as she grasped Lexa’s hand and pressed a thankful kiss to her knuckles. “I sometimes think about how different this would all be without you. You’re like the glue.”

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked as she furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.

“I just mean that- I don’t know, I just sometimes wonder if I would’ve been able to get the girls to this point without you. A lot of what I’ve done has been thanks to you. I owe everything I have with them to you.”

“No, Clarke. You’ve done so much on your own. I’ve only offered some advice here or there. Don’t discredit what you’ve done on your own.”

“I want to be brave for a moment,” Clarke said, deciding to not beat around the bush much longer. Lexa nodded for her to continue. “I am where I am because of your help. My girls are where they are because of your help. You are always there Lex, and I love it. I hoping you’d say yes to moving in with me and the girls so then we can get more of you in our lives.”

“You want me to move in?” Lexa clarified as a large smile broke out onto her face.

“Unless it’s crazy and you don’t want to,” Clarke said, her nerves forcing her to look away from Lexa before she could see her smile.

“Why would I ever want to pass up the opportunity to live with my beautiful girlfriend and her two amazing kids? It’s not like I don’t practically live there already,” Lexa reminded with a laugh, making Clarke join in as well.

“I’m sorry I didn’t think of a more romantic way to ask you to move in,” Clarke said as Lexa shook her head and pulled Clarke’s hand to her lips.

“This was perfect. You’re always perfect,” Lexa promised.

“Just wait ‘til we tell Madi. She’s going to be so excited,” Clarke enthused, making Lexa laugh.

“And how about this one?” Lexa asked as they both glanced at a contently sleeping Ontari.

“She’ll secretly love it. You’re one of her favourite people after all.”

-----

Less than a week later, Lexa was moving into the townhome with the help of her sisters and Clarke. Most of her furniture from her apartment went into storage since Clarke already had furniture, but Lexa had a fairly large collection of clothes and books that needed to be moved into her new home.

Madi excitedly stuck by Lexa and explained all of the super fun things the two of them could do together now that Lexa lived in the same house.

And to the surprise of both Clarke and Lexa, Ontari was helping out by moving boxes from the car and into the house.

“We should build a rocket,” Madi explained to Lexa as the older woman started to stack books on the empty shelves that Clarke left her.

“Do you have a book on how to do it?” Lexa asked, making the little one twist her lips unsurely.

“I don’t think so. But Aunty Ray probably has one because she’s an engineer.”

“Probably. We’ll have to ask her,” Lexa said, making Madi shake her head.

“That’ll take too long. I’ll just ask Aunty Luna.”

Before Lexa could even react, Madi was running off to Luna who was carrying a box with Ontari.

“Did I just hear her right?” Clarke asked as she approached her girlfriend.

“Suddenly Luna is Aunty Luna?” Lexa asked, looking to Clarke to see if she was the reason.

“She did that on her own,” Clarke said with a small smile. “I think that your moving in made her think that you’re her other, you know, and by default, your siblings are her aunts and uncle.”

“She thinks I’m her other mom?” Lexa asked, tears starting to well in her eyes.

“Maybe. I don’t see why not. This is the closest thing to a normal, safe family she’s had in her whole life,” Clarke said. “Are you okay that she might consider you her other mom?”

“Of course I’m okay with that. I love those girls to death,” Lexa said, as she sniffled and wiped under the eyes to keep her cheeks clear of tears.

“You’re so cute,” Clarke gushed as she pulled Lexa into an embrace. The two women held onto each other for a while until the sound of Anya clearing her throat interrupted them.

“Hey, lovebirds, you live together now which means you have literally whenever you want to do that. Why don’t you two give us a hand with these 50-pound boxes?” Anya suggested as she motioned to the other two boxes that were labeled ‘books.’

“Jesus, Lex, how much reading can a person do?” Clarke asked as she went to help Anya move the box.

“I’m an English teacher. Sue me,” Lexa said, as she went to help as well.

“Off-topic, but Madi will be the death of me,” Anya said as Clarke helped her lift one of the boxes.

“What did she do?” Clarke asked.

“She called me Aunty An. I literally almost passed out on the spot. If you don’t watch her, I will literally steal her away forever,” Anya playfully threatened.

“Too bad you’ll never get a chance to. We’re sort of obsessed with her,” Clarke said, making Anya groan.

“Mama!” Madi suddenly called out from the entrance floor, making Clarke turn her attention back to the stairs.

“What is it, sweetheart?” Clarke asked as she and Anya set the box of books down.

“Simone is here!” Madi said, appearing at the top of the stairs with her social worker in tow.

“Simone,” Clarke said, wiping her hands on her pants before approaching the woman. “Is everything alright? I didn’t forget a home visit did I?”

“No, no. We’re not scheduled for another one for a few months. I have some news that I need to share with you,” Simone explained, glancing briefly at Madi before adding, “privately.”

“Okay, umm,” Clarke looked at Lexa and Anya worriedly before making her mind up. “An, can you, Luna, and Gaia take the girls out to buy something for dinner? I’ll give you some money,” Clarke said as she went over to her purse.

“We got it. Don’t worry about paying,” Anya waved off before calling for her sisters and Ontari to come down.

“Why don’t we take a seat in the living room,” Lexa suggested before leading Simone away from Clarke so then the blonde had a chance to explain the plan to Ontari and Madi.

“What’s going on?” Ontari asked as she made her way down with Luna and Gaia.

“You girls are going out for dinner while Lex and I have a chat with Simone,” Clarke explained, deciding to not keep Simone’s presence a secret.

“Why’s Simone here? Is everything okay? You’re not-,”

“No, no, I’m not sending you girls away,” Clarke interrupted. “She needs to have a chat with us, but I need to make sure you girls eat, so Anya, Luna, and Gaia are going to help me out. Be good for them, eat dinner, and when you come home everything will be alright,” Clarke promised, gently brushing some hair from Ontari’s face as the teen nodded her agreement.

“We’ll keep an eye on them,” Gaia promised as she started to lead Madi down.

“Thanks, guys. Have a nice time,” Clarke said as she waved her daughters and Lexa’s sisters off.

Once they were gone, Clarke returned to Lexa and Simone who were settled with tea and chatting about the current going-ons in the home.

“Hey, I was just catching Simone up,” Lexa explained as Clarke sat next to her.

“I’m happy to hear that the girls are doing well with Lexa moving in,” Simone said, making Clarke nod her agreement.

“Not to be rude, Simone, but I would really like to cut to the chase about why you’re here,” Clarke said, the gnawing feeling in her stomach only getting worse as the seconds passed by.

“Of course. I have some news about the girls’ mother,” Simone started to say, making the tension rise in the room. “She’s been clean for a year now and has been given permission to have visitation with the girls again. The courts ordered for us to allow her one visitation every month.”

“The girls don’t get a say in this? I don’t get a say in this?” Clarke asked, doing her best to keep her cool despite the situation.

“Ontari will be happy to hear. She’s always wanted her mother to get better,” Simone said as if it were explanation enough.

“Yes, but what if-,” Clarke started, only for Simone to stop her.

“It’s not up for discussion, Clarke. The girls are required to be with their mother once a month until a new decision can be made by the courts. Be happy it’s only one day.”

“What about the adoption? Can that still be done?” Lexa asked for Clarke who was clearly struggling to remain calm.

“We have to take things as they come. But if the girls’ mother improves to the point of being able to get them back then I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do. Fostering is intended to repair families, not make new ones.”

Clarke couldn’t help the tears that leaked from her eyes, nor could she stop herself from getting up and walking away. It was too much to hear. She was just making things work with Ontari, she was establishing a proper mother/daughter relationship with her, and now the woman who’s failed the poor girl more times than she could count was returning. Things were going to go sideways and there was nothing that Clarke could do to stop it.

“Here is the agreed time and place for the drop-off. Please make sure Clarke brings the girls there on time,” Simone said as she handed a piece of paper to Lexa.

“I’ll be sure Clarke sees this,” Lexa promised as she stood up. Simone took that as a sign for her to leave and did so with a quick goodbye to both women before she let herself out.

Once the door shut, Clarke allowed her pent up sob out and turned to Lexa who pulled her into a comforting hug.

“I can’t lose them, Lex,” Clarke cried into her girlfriend’s shoulder.

“It’s just one day,” Lexa reminded gently as she rubbed Clarke’s back and swayed them slowly. “She’s not taking them from us.”

“Not yet,” Clarke croaked out, making Lexa shake her head as she shushed her.

“We have to think positively right now. And we have to be strong for the girls. This is going to shake their worlds up more than it’s shaking ours.”

Notes:

it's incredible how many of you knew that the girls' mother was going to make a return. you'll never guess what's going to happen with that situation, though ;)

i'm going to keep this short and sweet since i don't want to say too much about the upcoming chapters.

as always, thank you for the kind comments and the kudos. i love how invested some of you are.

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 20: to love is to be vulnerable

Notes:

"to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. to love is to be vulnerable" - c.s. lewis

When the girls returned from dinner with Lexa’s sisters, the family briefly resumed putting boxes of things away before Clarke decided to tell the girls about Simone’s visit.

While Lexa, Luna, Gaia, and Anya were busy organizing Lexa’s clothes into the closet, Clarke sat with the girls in their room.

“What did Simone want?” Ontari asked as she closely watched Clarke who sat on the edge of her bed and pulled Madi onto her lap.

“She had some news about your mom,” Clarke said, making Ontari sit up straighter and look at her expectantly.

“And?” Ontari pressed, a whisper of a smile already growing on her face.

“She’s clean and she’s been given visitation rights. You guys get to spend one day with her every month.”

“Really?” Ontari asked, her smile growing even larger now as she practically bounced with glee. Clarke had to hide the pain she felt when she saw how excited Ontari got. She kicked herself for being so selfish.

“I don’t want to go,” Madi spoke up, making some of the pain in Clarke’s heart slip away.

“But Madi, mom’s better! That means she’ll be taking us home soon!” Ontari enthused as she climbed out of her bed and hurried to the closet. “What will we wear? It has to be something good. She’s always loved us in blue, so we have to wear blue, right?”

“I want to stay with mama,” Madi whimpered as she turned in Clarke’s lap and wrapped her arms and legs around her torso.

“C’mon, Madi. This is great news,” Ontari continued to say, only to make Madi whine some more. “When are we seeing her?”

“Friday,” Clarke said, offering a strained smile. “I’ll drop you off at 12 and pick you up at 7.”

“No,” Madi resisted, to which Clarke gently shushed her.

“You’ll have a great time,” Clarke said despite the pain it brought her. “And it’s only for a few hours,” Clarke added, though it was more so a reminder for herself.

“I’m so excited,” Ontari enthused as she continued to search through her closet. “I have so much to tell her.”

-----

Lexa and Clarke met Simone at the agreed drop-off location. It was the park in the girls’ old neighbourhood, something that made Ontari excited and Madi more hesitant.

“I wanna stay with you and mama,” Madi whispered to Lexa as she sat on the woman’s lap and continued to watch children play on the playground. Simone offered Madi to play until her mother arrived but she refused and took refuge on Lexa’s lap instead.

“Mama and I will pick you up real soon,” Lexa promised as she pressed a loving kiss to the side of Madi’s head.

“I see her!” Ontari spoke up as she shot off the bench. Clarke watched as Ontari ran up to the woman and hugged her without hesitation, once more feeling the painful, jealous twinge in her heart.

The rest of the group approached the reunited mother and daughter, though they all seemed much less enthusiastic about the current situation.

“Madi,” the woman said as she pulled away from Ontari. Clarke took in the woman’s features now that she was standing straight. She was aged, despite being only 37. The drugs clearly did a number as her teeth had yellowed and her body was almost sickly thin. She may have been clean, but she was far from healthy.

“No, I wanna stay with Lexa,” Madi protested when the woman attempted to pull her from Lexa’s arms.

“It’s okay. We’ll pick you up later,” Lexa promised as she kissed the side of Madi’s head and handed her over.

“No!” Madi yelled, wiggling hard enough to make her mom set her down. “I want to stay with mama.”

“But I’m your mama, baby,” the woman said, her hand clamped over Madi’s wrist to keep her from running.

“No, Clarke is!”

“Madi, please!” Ontari suddenly spoke up, her voice sounding nearly desperate. “We haven’t seen mom in three years. Please, just let me have this.”

Madi looked at Ontari and seemed to sense her desperation because she nodded and stopped trying to pull away.

“So, Beatrice, I hope you remember our agreed drop-off for the girls,” Simone spoke up, putting a name to the mother.

“8pm. On the dot,” Beatrice said as she offered a smile to Ontari.

“We’ll be here,” Clarke said, mainly to Madi who stood beside Beatrice and looked at the ground sadly.

“Perfect. Have a good day with your mom, girls,” Simone said, to which Ontari smiled gratefully.

“Be good, sweetheart,” Clarke said as she crouched down and pressed a kiss to Madi’s forehead.

“Love you,” Madi whispered, which Clarke returned just as quietly.

“C’mon, mom! We have so much to catch up on,” Ontari said as she grasped her mom’s hand.

“Let’s go, Clarke,” Lexa gently said as the blonde stood upright and watched her girls walk away.

“What if they need me,” Clarke whispered as tears crawled down her cheeks.

“We’ll be there for them later. C’mon, I think we need a day in bed to cuddle,” Lexa said as she brushed the tears off Clarke’s cheeks before pressing kisses there right after.

-----

Beatrice took the girls to her small apartment a block away from the park. When they arrived, Madi stood by the door awkwardly while Ontari instantly got comfortable on the dingy couch. They didn’t grow up in this apartment, but all of the stuff from their old place was moved here, which made Ontari feel right at home.

“I can’t believe you kept this,” the teen said as she grabbed the popsicle stick frame from the table beside the couch. A first-grade photo of herself smiling was set in the frame, which she clumsily made at the age of six.

“I thought Madi made that,” Beatrice said, seemingly distracted as she looked through her cupboards.

“Mom, Madi was three the last time you saw her,” Ontari reminded, making the woman chuckle.

“Stupid drugs made me forget some things,” Beatrice dismissed as she moved on to her freezer.

“But you’re good now? Like, for good?” Ontari asked, making her mother briefly stop her search.

“Of course I am, Ontari. Don’t ask stupid questions,” Beatrice scolded, making Ontari frown slightly. For all the good she remembered, Ontari often forgot about her mother’s short temper.

“Sorry,” Ontari mumbled, setting the frame down and sitting back on the couch.

“No. I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to feed you two for lunch,” Beatrice sighed, shutting the freezer and briefly looking into her practically empty fridge.

“Clarke and Lexa got us food on the way over,” Ontari explained, catching sight of the empty fridge as well. “Do you need to get groceries? Madi and I can go with you.”

Beatrice paused and seemed to think something over before setting a sad look onto her face. “It’s hard for me to make enough money these days. I have rent and bills and other things to worry about. Plus, my job at the gas station doesn’t pay to well,” Beatrice said, making Ontari stand up and hurry to hug her.

“I can help you,” Ontari said, barely noticing the way her mother didn’t hug her back.

“Does Clarke have any money lying around at home that you can bring next time?” Beatrice asked, making Ontari shrug.

“I can scrounge something up. For now, I have some cash on me,” Ontari said before rushing back to her bag and pulling out her wallet. Madi seemed to notice what her sister was grabbing and approached her quickly.

“Tari, you said that was to keep us safe,” Madi quietly protested when the $65 was pulled from the old wallet.

“Mom needs it,” Ontari replied, setting her wallet back down and moving back to her mom. “You’re so skinny now. Use this for groceries,” Ontari said, handing the cash over.

Beatrice nearly snatched the bills from the girl and counted them once and then again for good measure.

“This is helpful, but I’ll need more to get by. Please see if you can find some more money for mommy,” Beatrice said, making Ontari nod fiercely.

“I’ll do the best I can. I promise. Should we go to the store now-?”

“No!” Beatrice interrupted as she pocketed the cash. “I want to spend time with my girls here. Come on, tell me all about your lives,” Beatrice said as she led Ontari back to the couch where Madi was now waiting.

“I’m playing hockey now,” Ontari said, making her mother frown.

“Why not skating?”

“Well, Lexa suggested I try hockey to help with my anger-,”

“What anger? Ontari, you’re letting these people brainwash you!” Beatrice said, making it very clear where her daughter inherited her anger from.

“No, mom, she was right. It’s helped a lot. I’m also really good at it. My coach is moving me to the advanced league in September,” Ontari said, hoping to make her mom proud in her improvement.

“Well, you’ll get to go back to skating at the community center in no time. I’m getting better every day and the courts are going to give me my rights back real soon,” Beatrice said, making Madi look at her fearfully.

“But mama said-,”

“That woman is not your mother,” Beatrice sneered, making both girls freeze. “She did a nice thing watching you, but you’re my girls and I will be bringing you home soon.”

Madi was scared that she was going to get yelled at again and opted to sit quietly while Ontari carried on the conversation.

“Do you know if the center has a hockey team?” Ontari asked as she realized her mom had no car to take her to her current hockey club, which was 45 minutes from here.

“No, they have skating. You were better at that anyways.”

“I guess that’s alright,” Ontari said, doing her best to keep her face void of any emotion.

“Well, since you don’t seem to have much else going on I should really tell you girls what I’ve gone through these last three years,” Beatrice said, directing the conversation towards herself. “It was absolute hell. I have never felt so mistreated in my entire life. First, the government took away my kids, then my food stamps. I lost the old house as you probably guessed. They have no systems in place to help people like me.”

Ontari nodded as her mother spoke. She did her best to recognize her mother’s struggles; she knew drug addiction was a hard disease to overcome and having your whole life implode wasn’t ideal. But a little voice kept reminding her that while her mother was wasting away and destroying her own life, she was inadvertently destroying Ontari and Madi’s lives as well; the only difference was: the girls didn’t have a say on what happened to them.

Without even realizing it, Ontari had tears welling in her eyes when the thought of all her trauma rose to the surface. If Clarke were there, she might’ve felt okay to cry over it.

But it was her mom and Madi, and she had to be strong for the both of them. So, Ontari swallowed her sadness, hardened her face, and let her heart ice over.

It was a good idea to get out of the habit of letting people in anyways.

-----

When Clarke and Lexa picked the girls up later that evening, they were quick to realize the differences in both of the girls from just one visit.

When Madi was back in the arms of Clarke she whispered about her hunger in the unsure voice that Clarke hadn’t heard in a while. Typically, Madi would speak loudly and make everyone aware of how she felt. Her unsure whispers brought Clarke back over a year ago to when she was too afraid to speak.

As for Ontari, she was clearly upset about having to go back home with Clarke and set her classic scowl with her crossed arms for good measure. She was so tense and closed off it almost hurt to look at.

“Did you girls eat dinner?” Lexa asked as they loaded up into the car.

“It’s none of your business,” Ontari mumbled while Madi whispered a quiet no.

“No?” Lexa asked, turning in the driver’s seat to look at the little girl. Madi shook her head making the brunette sigh and return to a proper seated position. “Can you believe that?” Lexa asked Clarke in a hushed tone as she started the car and headed in the direction of their home.

“She doesn’t have money,” Ontari defended, clearly listening to what her foster mom’s girlfriend had to say.

“It’s okay,” Clarke said in hopes of keeping the teen from getting angry. “We’ll give you girls dinner when we get home.”

“But-,” Lexa said, only to be interrupted by Clarke placing a hand on her leg.

“Later,” the blonde mouthed before she turned in her seat to look at the girls. “How was the visit? Was it nice seeing your mom?”

Silence. Ontari was clearly icing her out entirely and Madi seemed too scared to speak.

“Okay,” Clarke said quietly, turning back and glancing at Lexa who shot her an empathetic look.

The family of four drove back home in silence and entered the house that way too.

It was as Lexa was grabbing plates to dish out some leftovers for the girls that Ontari spoke again.

“I’m not hungry,” the teen grumbled before stomping upstairs and leaving the other three in the kitchen.

“Dinner for one then,” Lexa said, moving to set a plate back in the cupboard.

“I want toast,” Madi spoke up as she watched Clarke open a container of chicken.

“But Lexa made a really good dinner,” Clarke said, showing the little one the leftover chicken and rice dishes.

“Toast please,” Madi whispered, making the blonde nod in defeat. She started to put away the containers while Lexa placed two pieces of bread into the toaster and grabbed the butter from the fridge.

Once more, the three people in the kitchen fell silent as they waited for the toast to finish. Clarke picked Madi up and set the girl onto the counter, deciding to let her eat up there instead of the table so then she could gouge her body language better. Madi was tense, unlike her typically loose, silly self. She tucked into herself to be as small as possible and she refused to make eye contact.

It was heartbreaking to see all those months of effort to bring her out of her shell go down the drain.

Lexa buttered Madi’s toast when it finished and set the two pieces down in front of the child who whispered her thanks and picked up a slice.

Madi managed to chew through four bites before tears fell down her cheeks and a quiet sob escaped her lips.

“Baby,” Clarke cooed as she leaned against the counter and tucked some of Madi’s hair behind her ear.

“I don’t wanna live with my mommy,” Madi explained as she let her toast fall back to the plate. “She doesn’t love me like you and Lexa do.”

“Hey, shh, it’s alright. You’re here, baby. You’re here with me and Lexa,” Clarke promised as she gently pulled Madi close and wrapped her in a warm hug.

“She said she was gonna get us back. I don’t want to go back,” Madi said as she continued to sob and cling to Clarke tightly.

“Madi, listen to me,” Lexa said, using a hand to gently rub the back of Madi’s head. “It would take a lot of work and time for your mom to get you back. She’s only been given one day a month. How many days is that if there are twelve months in a year?” Lexa asked, making the little one sniffle and look at her.

“Twelve,” Madi responded, making Lexa nod.

“Exactly. Twelve. That means you get to stay with me and Clarke for the other 353 days. I don’t know about you, but 353 days sounds like a lot more than 12.”

“What if she gets more time?” Madi asked as Clarke continued to hold her close and Lexa continued the gentle brushing of her hair.

“Then we take it as it comes,” Clarke said, leaning back from the hug a bit to look at the child’s face. “But I promise, baby, I am fighting for you. I’m your mama and I will do everything in my power to keep you happy and safe.”

“Pinky promise?” Madi asked, holding her little pinky up.

“I pinky promise,” Clarke vowed as she hooked her pinky onto the little ones.

“You can’t break it,” Madi reminded, making both women laugh.

“I know how important they are. I will never ever break them,” Clarke said, making the little one smile slightly. It was the first smile they got since picking her up, which Clarke and Lexa were relieved to finally see.

“What do you say we finish this delicious toast?” Lexa suggested as she picked up the barely touched slice and handed it over to the little girl.

“Can we read my book together, Lexa?” Madi asked, glancing at the book she’d carried around all day but felt too scared to open in front of her mother.

“Of course! Let’s take this toast and book party over to the couch,” Lexa said as she hoisted Madi off of the counter and grabbed the plate and book.

“While you two do that I’m going to check on Ontari,” Clarke decided, before grabbing the container of leftovers once more to serve the girl a bit of dinner in hopes of getting her to eat.

Lexa and Madi got situated in the living room while Clarke warmed up the plate and grabbed some cutlery for the teen to use as well.

Not five minutes later, Clarke was heading upstairs with a warm plate of food, a glass of water, and a kind smile on her face. She wanted Ontari to feel comfortable and like she could talk about what happened. She wasn’t going to let her shut down again.

With two knocks, Clarke entered the room and found Ontari sat on the corner of her bed. She had her sketchbook open and was listening to her music as loudly as possible.

At the sight of Clarke, Ontari pulled one ear-bud from her ear.

“I’m not hungry,” the teen said, her scowl setting over her face.

“I brought it up just in case,” Clarke explained as she moved to set the plate and glass down on the nightstand. “Was everything alright with your mom today?” Clarke asked as she took a seat on Madi’s bed and looked the teen over.

“What does it matter to you?” Ontari asked bitterly as she returned to her sketch.

“Well, I care about you. I want to know how everything went to make sure that you’re alright.”

“I’m fine. It was fine,” Ontari said, keeping it short and snippy. Clarke decided to continue on anyways.

“What did you get up to?”

“Nothing.”

“Eight hours and you did nothing. That’s sad isn’t it?” Clarke asked, hoping to get the girl to say something about the experience.

“We talked, okay? Jesus fuck, what more do you want?” Ontari snapped out, making Clarke raise her eyebrows at the choice of words.

“I’m trying to be nice here, Ontari. I would really like it if you didn’t swear at me,” Clarke said, keeping her voice soft and even.

“Well, I don’t want you here period. The door is over there. You can leave,” Ontari snarked as she pointed to the door with her pencil.

“Did you tell your mom about how well you’re doing in hockey?” Clarke pressed on, making the teen practically fume.

“What does it matter?!” Ontari yelled as she shoved her sketch pad aside. “My life here and my life there are completely different. So stay the fuck out of it and stop asking me questions.”

“Ontari, when I dropped you off you were showing me who you truly are. I pick you up eight hours later and you are acting the same way you did the first day I met you.”

“If you don’t like it, why don’t you just leave,” Ontari said, pointing to the door once more.

“I spent over a year trying to get you to trust me. That can’t be completely thrown away in just a few hours. Just talk to me, Ontari,” Clarke nearly pleaded.

“You’re not my mom! So, stop trying already and get the fuck out!” Ontari yelled once more, making it clear as day that she was over the conversation and wanted her foster mom to leave her alone.

Clarke sighed and got up. When she got to the door she paused and looked back at Ontari. “I know you’ve spent your whole life shutting people out. But you don’t have to do that here. Not with me. You may not want me, Ontari, but I will always be here for you.”

Clarke was met with silence. Once more, she took her leave and left Ontari alone to sort through her feelings.

She didn’t know, however, that Ontari had too many feelings to work through on her own.

Notes:

how're we all doing? everyone feeling alright?

you'll be encountering ontari's childhood trauma really soon, so...

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 21: fall apart into dust

Notes:

"the universe had to fall apart into dust first to become its majestic, incredible, infinite self. what makes you think this breaking, this trauma, this destruction, won't be the making of a more powerful you too?" - nikita gill

A few days after the girls’ visitation with their mother, Lexa decided that Clarke needed a date night to ease some of her stress. She planned to take her girlfriend back to the cliff where they had their second date and already arranged to take Lincoln’s truck once more so they could watch the sunset out of the back of it again.

When the date was revealed to Clarke, she gratefully accepted it and enthused to Lexa how much they needed a few hours to themselves. She stopped short, however, when she realized that Ontari was in no state to watch Madi alone.

Ontari was back to her reactive aggression, and it was clearly being aimed at Madi as well since the little one was very adamant about her distaste over seeing their mother.

Still aiming to get a date night in, Clarke began to call their friends and family in hopes of getting someone to watch Madi (and subsequently Ontari) for a couple of hours.

They worked their way down the list from most reliable to last resort until they ended up with Abby and Marcus.

For all intents and purposes, Abby and Marcus were great with Madi and would be higher on the call list, however, Ontari made it clear that she had an unexplained fear towards them, which is what made them the last resort.

Clarke made the call nonetheless and was grateful when her mom and Marcus agreed to watch the girls that night. All they asked was that Lexa and Clarke drop the girls off at their house since Marcus installed a new 75-inch TV and wanted to have a movie night with them.

It was all set up, and Madi was excited to hear about the big TV, the only task left was getting Ontari to go over as well.

“My mom and Marcus want to have you girls over for a movie night,” Clarke explained to Ontari who was sat in the living room. “I know you sometimes get-,”

“It’s fine. I’ll go,” Ontari said, not even bothering to argue with Clarke. In some weird turn of events, Ontari was suddenly giving in without a fight. Clarke wasn’t sure if that should worry her more or ease some of her concerns.

“Really? Okay, good. They’ll be happy to hear that,” Clarke said, smiling weakly at the teen. “Lexa and I will only be gone for a few hours-,”

“You’re not going to be there?” Ontari asked, a quick look of fear flashing over her face before a scowl set over it.

“No. Is that okay? You can tell me if there’s something wrong-,”

“It’s fine. I don’t care,” Ontari cut Clarke off once more, making the blonde frown.

“You know if you need anything you can call me or Lexa and we’ll come right back for you,” Clarke promised, making the teen scoff.

“Whatever,” Ontari mumbled, a clear sign that she was ignoring what Clarke had to say. It hurt, but Clarke decided to not fight this battle and leave the teen alone.

“We’re leaving at 5,” Clarke said as she stood up and moved to find Lexa and Madi.

When Clarke was gone, Ontari allowed her clenched fists to release slightly, revealing to herself just how shaky they’d become.

“Get control of yourself,” Ontari whispered as she re-clenched her hands and glared at her drawing. The days of running to Clark when things got scary were over. Ontari had to work this one out on her own.

-----

Upon first arrival at Abby and Marcus’ home, Ontari managed to keep her cool since Abby was the one who opened the door and brought them in. Abby chatted with Clarke and Lexa for a bit before the two decided to head out, leaving Ontari alone with the older woman and her little sister.

Madi was much more comfortable with speaking to Abby about her day’s events and engaging in conversation about random things that popped into her mind.

Ontari, on the other hand, sought refuge at the kitchen table where she sat quietly and hoped for the time to pass quickly.

“Who’s hungry for burgers?” Marcus asked as he came in from the back yard with a plate full of food.

Ontari jumped at his voice and looked at him for a long time. She felt her body go rigid, her hands shake, and sweat begin to trail down her neck.

“What’s wrong, kid?” Marcus asked kindly to Ontari as he set the plate down at the table. "It looks like you've seen a ghost."

Once more, Ontari jumped when she realized his proximity and got to her feet.

“Bathroom,” was all Ontari could squeak out as she hurried towards the hallway bathroom that Abby had shown them on their way in.

Quickly, the teen locked herself in and slid down the wall as she held her head.

“Fuck, just stop,” Ontari whispered as she tried to fight off the panic attack that was looming closer and closer. “Fuck,” the whimpered, allowing her head to fall against her knees in hopes of muffling some of her erratic breaths.

It was his voice. It was swirling around in her head and making her feel sick. She couldn’t get rid of it.

 

“This is your room,” Mark said as he walked the girls through his and Nia’s small house. “You’ve got to share the bed.”

Ontari held Madi close and nodded her understanding. They’ve shared a bed before, so it wasn’t a problem.

“Nia and I have some rules,” Mark said as she led the girls back to the kitchen. “No noise. No backtalk. Dinner’s gotta be on the table every night before we get home from work. That’s 7:30 on the dot, got it?”

Once more, Ontari nodded her affirmation, allowing for Mark to continue.

“The house is to be kept clean at all times. Laundry is another daily chore. Folding included. We don’t deal with tantrums. We don’t deal with vomit. And we definitely don’t deal with kids who break the rules,” Mark listed off, noting the slight confusion that crossed Ontari’s face. “That means that if you break the rules, you face the consequences.”

Consequences. They were different in every house. Sometimes it was yelling, other times it was food deprivation. In one home they preferred to use a belt. But Ontari could sense that there was something off with this home. Mark and Nia were different, and not in a good way.

“Let me show you,” Mark said, leading the girls out back to a worn-down shed. Ontari slowed her approach when she saw where he was walking. “I ain’t got a reason to hurt you,” Mark said when he noticed the young girl slow. “Yet,” he added, laughing loudly at his own words. Ontari only managed to flinch as she stepped into the shed with Madi tucked safely behind her.

“This is where punishments happen. Fuck up and we’ll make sure you learn your lesson,” Mark said as he went over to a dingy old filing cabinet. He noisily opened a drawer and pulled something out which clanged against the metal unit.

When he turned, he revealed the black handgun. Ontari inhaled sharply and backed Madi into a wall to block her from the offensive item.

“Good. If you’re scared now that means you won’t give me a reason to use this,” Mark said as he shook the gun calmly in his hand before setting it back in its place.

Ontari continued to cover Madi as she practically shook in fear herself. Mark noticed and barked out a laugh at the sight.

“What’s wrong, kid. No ones ever broken you in before?” Mark asked, seeming to take pleasure in the girl’s fear. “Good thing you’ve come here then. Nia and I will take good care of both of you.”

The sickening smile that Mark gave her would soon become the same smile that made the girl wake up in the middle of the night. It was impossible to forget, and Ontari hated Mark for that every day of her life.

-----

Clarke sighed contently as she nestled further into Lexa’s arms and looked out to the ocean.

“You don’t plan on making us jump again, do you?” Lexa asked as she rhythmically ran her fingernails up and down Clarke’s back.

“I think I’ll spare us this time,” Clarke said past a laugh, turning her head slightly to press a kiss onto Lexa’s chest. “Thanks for doing this. I really needed it.”

“Anything for you,” Lexa said, casting her gaze down to Clarke who turned over slightly to look at her face. Lexa gave a little laugh when Clarke stared at her for a long beat. “What?” the brunette asked, reaching up with her free hand to see if she had any food left on her face.

“Y’know it always amazes me how beautiful you are,” Clarke whispered as she used her fingertips to trace along Lexa’s jaw.

“Clarke,” Lexa said as she blushed.

“I’m serious, Lex,” Clarke said as she pushed herself onto her elbow and leaned closer to Lexa’s face. “You,” the blonde started before pressing a whisper of a kiss to Lexa’s jaw. “Are. So. Beautiful,” Clarke said, allowing a kiss to land on more of Lexa’s jaw until she climbed her way up to her lips.

“I think you need to go for a cold swim,” Lexa remarked when their long, drawn-out kiss was broken.

“Who’s gonna see us?” Clarke asked as she let her hand travel down to Lexa’s pant button.

“Sex on the bed of a truck is still considered public indecency,” Lexa continued, knowing very well it was a losing battle.

“Secret sex on the bed of a truck isn’t though,” Clarke challenged, nodding down to the blanket that was draped over the both of them. “Please, baby. I just want to show you how much I love you.”

The small pout and the feeling of Clarke’s fingers waiting at the edge of her underwear was too hard for Lexa to resist.

Wordlessly, the brunette pulled Clarke in for another long kiss, and gave permission to Clarke to do whatever she pleased.

-----

“Are you alright, Ontari?” Abby asked as she rapped her knuckles against the bathroom door.

“Fine,” the teen weakly replied. While it wasn’t convincing whatsoever, Abby knew from Clarke that Ontari had regressed quite a bit and was refusing all forms of assistance. So, while Abby wanted to insist on helping the young girl, she decided it would be best to let her be and come back later.

“We left your dinner on the table. Marcus and I will be watching a movie with Madi in the living room. Feel free to join us if you’re feeling better.”

With that, Abby stepped away from the door and went back to her husband and granddaughter.

Inside the washroom, Ontari continued to sit with her back to the wall and managed to take several controlled breaths in a row. She was calming down, which was good, but she still felt on edge, which meant anything triggering could send her right back into a panic attack.

For the briefest moment, Ontari wondered if this would warrant a call to Clarke, but she quickly decided against it as it felt useless to rely on other people.

Ontari continued her controlled breathing and squeezed her own knee in hopes of tricking her brain into calming down. It was almost entirely unsuccessful, but Ontari continued it for her own sake.

Muffled by the door, Ontari heard the sound of a movie start. It was an action film by the sounds of it, and the thunderous, quick-paced music started making Ontari’s heart race once more.

In an attempt to calm down again, Ontari tried to think of some of her few pleasant memories.

Somewhere along her trajectory of thoughts that were all neutral and un-traumatizing the sound of a gun going off made Ontari change course and barrel towards the memory that was triggered back on the fourth of July.

A second pop from the movie had Ontari breathing heavily once more with her hands going over her ears like she did every time it happened.

 

“I warned you!” Mark yelled as he shook the handgun around. “You let me do what I want, and we won’t have a problem, but no,” Mark ranted, dragging the ‘o’ on his ‘no.’ “Little miss do whatever the fuck she wants told me to stop. Well, guess what you little shit, this is the consequence!”

Ontari curled further against the wall of the shed as terrified sobs racked her body. Mark pointed the gun a few feet away from her and shot it, hitting an old tire in the process. Ontari cried out at the loud noise and reached up to cover her ears.

“What were my rules Ontari?” Mark demanded as he stomped over and pulled the girl’s hands from her head. “What were my rules?!” The man screamed, making the teen cry and shake her head.

“I’m sorry,” she managed to say before going on to repeat it over and over.

“Stop your fucking mumbling,” Mark seethed, smacking his hand over Ontari’s head and getting up once more. He aimed the gun at the tire again and shot it, allowing the loud pop to scare Ontari into submission. “The next time I’ve got you doing something are you going to tell me to stop?” the man asked in an eerily calm tone.

“No,” Ontari cried as she shook her head.

“Exactly. No,” the man repeated in a chilling voice. “Otherwise, I’ll have to bring your little sister out here to see if she can listen better.”

“No!” Ontari screamed, her voice desperate for Mark to leave Madi out of this.

Mark shot the tire again, setting the girl right back in her place.

“You don’t talk back to me.”

“I’m sorry,” Ontari said, doing her best to get some more control over her emotions. “I’ll do as you say,” she added for good measure, making the man smile his sickening smile.

“Good. Now, where were we?”

-----

“You just couldn’t wait until we got home,” Lexa laughed breathlessly as she redid the button of her pants and watched Clarke giggle and shrug.

“It’s more fun this way,” the blonde said before sitting up properly and reaching for Lexa’s bag.

“What’re you looking for?” the brunette asked as she also sat up a bit.

“Go fish. I insist on a rematch since you completely destroyed me the first time,” Clarke explained, smiling proudly when she withdrew the deck of cards from the bag.

“You promise not to get sad if I win?” Lexa asked with a smirk.

“As long as you promise not to cheat,” Clarke said, making Lexa’s smirk drop and a feigned shock appear in its place.

“Clarke Griffin, I would never!” Lexa said, seemingly appalled by the thought. “I am an honest winner.”

“And a cocky one too,” Clarke jabbed as she handed the cards out. “But your reign is coming to an end. I can feel it.”

“Bring it on,” Lexa challenged.

For all the smack talk, the game itself remained controlled and calm. Lexa started out on top, but just as Clarke seemed to be losing all hope she managed to turn things around and brought the game home.

With an excited toss of her cards and a jovial scream, Clarke got to her feet and did a celebratory dance on the bed of the truck.

“How did this even happen?” Lexa asked as she recounted her total number of collected groups.

“I win, I win, I win,” Clarke sang as she continued to dance.

“Just this once,” Lexa said with a teasing smile. “Now get down before you break your neck.”

“You have to admit, you did not see that coming,” Clarke said as she returned to her spot and helped Lexa to collect the cards.

“I didn’t. You really blindsided me there,” Lexa agreed with a wink, which made Clarke blush.

“Round two?” Clarke suggested as Lexa shuffled the deck.

“Sure, but I’m not going easy on you this time,” Lexa said, making Clarke roll her eyes.

“Sure Jan, whatever helps you sleep at night.”

Just as Lexa gave Clarke her hand of cards, the sound of Clarke’s phone ringing interrupted them.

The blonde searched for her device for a moment before fishing it out of the blankets and answering to her mom.

“Hi mom,” Clarke greeted, her languid smile falling completely when she heard her mom’s frantic voice on the other end. “Wait slow down!”

-----

Ontari felt stuck. The bathroom was too tight. Her clothes were too tight. Her skin was too tight. Everything was wound so tightly against her and she felt just about ready to explode.

It started when Marcus had stopped by the door to check on her.

“Come on out whenever you want. We’ll be waiting for you,” he had said before walking away.

“We’ll be waiting for you.”

“We’ll be.”

“I’ll be.”

“I’ll be waiting for you.”

The words ran a chill down Ontari’s back and brought her to her current position of feeling like everything was squeezing her too tightly.

She wanted out, she didn’t know how to achieve that, but she knew she needed to if she didn’t want to pass out on the bathroom floor of Abby and Marcus.

After tugging at her shirt a few too many times and thinking of all the ways she could extract herself from her own skin, the intensity of all her sensations became too much and Ontari did the only thing she knew to do.

She ran.

As quickly as her shaking legs could carry her, Ontari got off the bathroom floor, ran out the front door, and booked it down the street in the direction that her body was subconsciously taking her.

Her fear of being chased by someone kept pushing her forward. It also helped that she felt less stuck. Her skin felt less tight and her body was naturally forcing itself to take the deep breaths she was so desperate for from the moment that Clarke and Lexa dropped her off.

She felt in control once again. That’s all that mattered to Ontari.

-----

“I’m worried about her. What if she’s sick,” Abby spoke up as Marcus re-entered the living room and took his seat next to her.

“I just checked on her and told her that we’ll be waiting for her here if she wants to join us. I didn’t hear her getting sick or anything like that,” Marcus promised as he hit play on the remote and allowed the loud action movie to start up once again.

Abby couldn’t ignore the gnawing feeling that remained in the pit of her stomach. While she wanted to step in and help the girl, she also knew that Ontari had special boundaries that had to be accounted for.

But Abby knew something wasn’t right. It was the same feeling she felt the day she arrived home after Clarke’s graduation and expected to find her daughter there.

“Sweetheart, everything is okay,” Marcus whispered his comfort, clearly noticing Abby’s continuous worry.

“I should check on her just in case,” Abby said, before briefly glancing at Madi who was fully invested in the film. “Keep an eye on Madi.”

Marcus nodded his agreement and allowed his wife to go and check on Ontari once more.

As Abby approached the bathroom door she frowned when she noticed it was slightly ajar.

Not wanting to invade the teen’s privacy, Abby rapped her knuckles against the door and grasped the handle to keep it in place.

“Ontari, are you sure you’re alright? I can call Clarke if you aren’t feeling well,” Abby said before pressing her ear close to the crack of the door.

When a long silence greeted her, Abby began to grow suspicious.

“Ontari? Sweetheart, please answer me otherwise I’ll have to come in.”

Once more, silence dragged along, making Abby’s heart race. Without a second thought, Abby pushed the door open and found the bathroom empty of the girl that was once hiding in it.

“Ontari?!” Abby called out, doing everything in her will power to keep calm as she searched the house. “Ontari, I need to know that you’re okay!” The older woman said before hurrying upstairs and checking all of the rooms. “Ontari!”

Marcus seemed to have heard his wife’s calling and hurried to find her at the entrance of the house where she was rushing to grab her phone from the small table by the door.

“What’s wrong? Is Ontari alright?” Marcus asked, looking around the entrance for the girl.

“She’s gone!” Abby said in a panic as she rushed to call her daughter.

“Gone?!” Marcus questioned, instantly growing panicked himself. “Ontari!” the man called out as he took over the search for the girl in the home.

“Clarke!” Abby said in a hurry when her daughter finally answered the phone. “It’s Ontari. She’s run off-,”

“Wait, slow down!” Clarke interrupted. “What’s going on?”

“Ontari locked herself in the bathroom after you left and now she’s gone! Marcus and I can’t find her anywhere in the house. I’m so sorry, Clarke. She was in the washroom thirty minutes ago, I swear-!”

“Lex, we have to go. Ontari’s run off,” Clarke could be heard saying on her end before returning to the conversation. “Lexa and I are going to head to your area to look for her. Can you guys stay at your place in case she comes back?”

“Of course. I’ll give you a call the second that happens!” Abby promised before adding, “I’m so sorry, baby. I don’t know what happened to her. I don’t know what scared her.”

“She’s been going through a lot. It’s not your fault, mom. I’ll update you if we find her. Everything will be okay,” Clarke promised, though the waver in her voice made it very difficult to believe it.

-----

“We have to go look around my mom's place,” Clarke said to Lexa who drove as quickly as she could towards the suburbs.

“Shouldn’t we check at home first?” Lexa asked, making the blonde rub her face.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. Fuck!” Clarke yelled, her worry bubbling and boiling over as she realized just how hard it would be to find the teen in a city as big as theirs.

“We need to put ourselves in Ontari’s shoes,” Lexa said as she rushed through a yellow light. “Where does she go when she’s scared?”

“Her room. Always her room. She sits on the corner of the bed and listens to her music,” Clarke said, hoping with all her heart that Ontari would run back to that spot like all the other times before.

“We’ll check there then. And after that, we’ll go to your parent's neighbourhood. And if we still can’t find her, we’ll call our friends and head to the hockey club, alright? It’ll be okay,” Lexa promised as she gently grasped Clarke’s hand and continued to rush back to their home.

“I hope so,” Clarke said as she nervously chewed her lip and looked out her window. As she did, Clarke prayed to whatever powerful being was out there that her girl would be safe and sound in the only place she knew she could seek refuge in.

Ten minutes later, Lexa was pulling the car up to the townhouse. Clarke barely let her girlfriend stop the car before she was jumping out of it and running towards the door.

A mixture of more panic and the slightest bit of relief filled her stomach when she found the front door was unlocked. Either they forgot to lock it on their way out, or Ontari got in using the spare key and left it unlocked behind herself.

Clarke hoped with every fiber of her being that it was the latter.

“Ontari!” Clarke called out as she ran up the stairs and briefly searched the middle floor before booking it for the top floor. “Ontari!” Clarke tried again as Lexa joined her at the top floor and they both rushed for the girls’ room.

They looked inside to find both beds untouched, just the way they left them a few hours ago.

“No, no, no,” Clarke mumbled as she backed up and went to look in the hallway washroom. “Ontari, baby, where are you?!” Clarke called out desperately, her now erratic breathing almost preventing her from hearing the distant sound of crying.

“Our room,” Lexa said, pointing Clarke to the other door that was slightly ajar. They hadn’t left it that way.

Clarke hurried to the door and almost collapsed with relief when she saw Ontari curled up in the middle of her’s and Lexa’s bed.

“Baby,” Clarke whispered as she entered the rest of the way and went to the furthest end of the bed which Ontari was facing. “Oh, sweetheart,” Clarke sighed when she took in the sight of Ontari’s tear-streaked face.

Ontari was seemingly working her way down from a panic attack, making for more sniveling and hiccupping than when she was starting, or in the midst of one.

“Clarke,” Ontari whimpered at the sight of her foster mom.

“I’m here,” Clarke promised as she brushed back some of Ontari’s hair from her face.

Noticing the slight pick-up in her breathing, Clarke decided to close some of the distance between herself and the teen. Clarke kicked off her shoes and climbed onto the bed so she could lay parallel to Ontari who desperately grabbed her arm once she was close enough.

“It’s okay,” Clarke promised as she felt Ontari grab her wrist with shaking hands.

Briefly, Clarke glanced at Lexa who was standing back and looking over the teen from a distance. She was clearly making a mental checklist of things she needed to grab for the girl to make her more comfortable.

Once Lexa left the room to get the things, Clarke set her full attention back onto Ontari.

“What happened, baby? What scared you?” Clarke asked as she used her free hand to wipe some of the tears off of Ontari’s cheeks.

Ontari’s breathing hitched and she shook her head back and forth, and clear sign that she couldn’t say it.

“You can tell me. I’ll make it better, I promise,” Clarke whispered as she shuffled just a bit closer.

“He touched me,” Ontari whimpered out before more ragged breaths made their way through her body.

“Marcus?!” Clarke asked, not knowing of any other males that could’ve been around Ontari since they dropped her off.

“No,” Ontari cried, as more tears fell down her cheeks. “Mark. My-y last foster dad-d,” Ontari shuddered through, finally getting that off her chest.

“Ontari,” Clarke sighed, not knowing what else to say to revelation. Her heart was shattered for the sixteen-year-old.

“Marcus looks like him. That’s why I get scared,” Ontari managed to explain past her constricted breathing and sobs.

“You’re not there anymore,” Clarke said, though she wasn’t entirely sure if she said it for Ontari’s sake or for her own. “Take some deep breaths, sweetheart,” Clarke instructed when she noticed Ontari’s bottom lip take on a blue tint.

“I can’t,” Ontari sobbed out as she released Clarke’s wrist and shakily sat up. “Clarke, I can’t breathe,” Ontari repeated as she wrapped her arms around herself. Considering the only other time she did this was in front of Lexa, Clarke gathered that the self-soothing hug was for the extreme panic attacks.

“It’s okay. You can do it,” Clarke encouraged sitting up as well and reaching her hands up to cup the girl’s cheeks. “With me, my girl.”

Ontari sobbed as Clarke lovingly held her cheeks but did her best to follow her foster mother’s breathing pattern.

Deciding to go past one of Ontari’s typical boundaries, Clarke released her cheeks and wrapped her arms around the girl, hoping the extra pressure of a hug would have the right effect on her.

For the briefest moment, Clarke worried that Ontari would pull away as her body tensed up. However, the teen took a shocking turn and quickly untensed her whole body before releasing her own self-hug and wrapping her arms around Clarke as well.

For the first time, Ontari allowed herself to hug someone other than her mom or Madi back. And when she did Ontari was instantly hit with a wave of sadness as she realized that even her own mother didn’t hug her as lovingly and as closely as Clarke was right now.

It was right then that all the trauma Ontari faced as a kid – all of the threats, the screaming, the physical and emotional abuse – bubbled to the surface and forced Ontari deeper into the embrace so she could cry out the sorrow that was set deep in her heart.

Clarke held Ontari a bit closer when she felt the weight of the girl against her and the way the teen’s hands grabbed tightly to the back of her shirt in fear of letting go.

Clarke hardly realized it, but soon tears were falling down her own cheeks. Maybe it was because Ontari was finally letting someone hold her, or maybe it was because she realized this was the first time in a long time that Ontari allowed herself to be a little girl in need of being held. Either way, it killed Clarke that the sixteen-year-old was forced to grow up so quickly.

“I’m sorry,” Ontari cried as she tucked her face into the crook of Clarke’s neck.

“No,” Clarke whispered as she kissed the side of the teen’s head. “You don’t apologize for feeling, Ontari. Not with me,” Clarke insisted.

“Please, don’t leave me,” Ontari continued to beg, as if her breakdown would warrant being abandoned.

“Never, baby. I’m right here with you. Always.”

Clarke knew that once Ontari was in a better place emotionally she would have to talk to her again about what her last foster dad did. She needed to get as much information as possible to relay back to Simone so then no other child would fall victim to his sick problem and he could be locked up for good.

But for now, Clarke simply held her child and offered as much physical comfort as she possibly could. One hug would never heal sixteen years of emotional damage, but it was a step in the right direction, and Clarke intended on holding onto it for as long as possible.

Notes:

this is definitely the most trauma heavy chapter i've written. the unfortunate reality is that children can be abused in many ways in the system as they are left vulnerable in the care of their temporary guardians. i understand if this content is hard to digest, but i would be taking away from the lives of real people if i didn't highlight this very sad and dark reality.

we all may not have our own personal clarke to turn to, but there are systems in place to support young, vulnerable people. i've provided three phone numbers below that Canadian and US kids/teens can use if they are in need of emotional support.

Canada Kids & Teens Hotline: 1-800-668-6868
USA Kids & Teen Hotline: 1-800-448-3000
USA Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 22: the woods are lovely, dark and deep

Notes:

"the woods are lovely,
dark and deep.
but i have promises to keep,
and miles to go before i sleep,
and miles to go before i sleep."
- robert frost

Ontari didn’t want to be here. Here being in front of Clarke and Lexa who decided that it was a good time to talk about her big breakdown less than a week ago.

After a day full of panic attacks and an emotional moment with her foster mom, Ontari was rendered pretty useless for four days as she hid in her bed and refused to come out. Yesterday she finally decided to rejoin the rest of the world and crawled out of her safe space. A shower, some good food, and Clarke and Lexa’s kindness seemed to go a long way in perking up the girl, which is what brought them here.

But as mentioned before, Ontari did not want to be here.

“I know this is hard,” Lexa said as she slowly started the conversation. “But what happened in your last foster home wasn’t okay and we need to make sure no other kids are being put through that.”

“What’s there to say?” Ontari asked, crossing her arms over her chest in defense. “Mark would take me to his shed and… you know,” Ontari said, whispering the last bit. “One time I told him to stop when he looked like he was going to go too far and he shot his gun at me. That’s when the neighbours called about the noise and Simone took me and Madi from the home.”

“What do mean ‘too far’ Ontari? How far did he go?” Clarke pressed, making Ontari’s throat tighten when she realized she had to explain further.

“He- he touched- never, umm, never beyond that. I didn’t let him,” Ontari explained as she started to squirm in her seat.

“And Madi?” Lexa asked delicately.

“No!” Ontari snapped out, making it clear as day that she was offended by the thought. “I never let anyone touch her!”

“We believe you. It’s okay,” Clarke promised. “Just so we understand, he touched you and when he attempted to go beyond that you made him stop, right?”

“Yes,” Ontari croaked out, doing her best to fight back her tears. “And then he got mad, waved that fucking gun around, and threatened to do the same to Madi. The police arrived before he could get what he wanted, though.”

“Did you tell Simone?” Lexa asked, despite already having a good sense of what the answer was.

“She wouldn’t believe me. It’s probably too much paperwork anyways,” Ontari dismissed, making Clarke and Lexa frown.

“That fucking system,” Lexa whispered as she stood up and paced for a beat.

“We believe you, Ontari,” Clarke reassured as she sat on the edge of her seat and lent forward. “Thank you for telling us.”

“Do you think he was right?”

“What, baby?” Clarke asked. “Who was right?”

“Mark, when he said I deserved it. Do you think he was right?” Ontari asked as she allowed her leg to bounce in apprehension.

“No, he wasn’t right. You never deserved anything that happened to you,” Clarke promised as she stood up and moved to sit next to the teen.

“I’m not a good person, though. I’m difficult, I talk back, I make people’s lives hard-,”

“I’m going to stop you there. You are none of those things. Those are your defense tactics but they are not what make you you. Ontari, you are kind, and gentle, and when you let people in you are so loving. Just because it takes a while for people to see that doesn’t make you a bad person.”

“Clarke’s right,” Lexa agreed, having composed herself slightly as she returned to the conversation and sat on Ontari’s other side. “You need to cut yourself some slack. Life hasn’t been too kind to you so far, but that doesn’t take away from all of your good qualities.”

“I’ve just wanted to keep Madi safe,” Ontari said, making both women smile sympathetically.

“You’ve done a great job, baby,” Clarke said as she rubbed Ontari’s back. “Madi and you are safe now, and I will never let anyone hurt you again.”

“What about when my mom takes us back?” Ontari questioned, reminding Clarke of the painful reality that Beatrice was still part of the equation.

“Even if that happens,” Clarke said, doing her best to keep her voice from wavering. “I will continue to be there for the both of you.”

Ontari nodded and leaned towards Clarke, allowing the woman to wrap an arm around her shoulders and hold her there for a moment.

She felt like crawling back into bed for another few days after the talk they just had, but something told her that all the comfort she could ever need could be found between these two women.

Right here, between Clarke and Lexa, Ontari knew she was safe. She could finally count on that.

-----

After struggling to get into contact with Simone, Clarke eventually got her to agree to a proper sit-down meeting the next time the girls saw their mother.

As soon as Madi and Ontari were settled with Beatrice, Clarke, Lexa, and Simone went to Simone’s office to talk about Ontari’s recent revelations.

“I have another meeting in thirty minutes,” Simone said as she unlocked her office door and led the other two women inside. Simone motioned for them to take a seat on the two chairs across from her desk. “We’ll have to keep this quick.”

Clarke rolled her eyes at the social workers impatience and decided to cut right to the chase. “Ontari has informed Lexa and I of something that happened in her last foster home.”

“If this is regarding the gun incident with her last foster dad-,”

“It’s related to that,” Clarke interrupted. “She told us that he molested her and when she didn’t comply he threatened her with the gun.”

Simone seemed to sit with the news for a beat. Sighing out, the older woman lent forward and rested her elbows on her desk.

“Ontari has been known to make up stories,” Simone started to say, making both women across from her shake their heads in protest.

“No. We’ve had Ontari for well over a year and it is incredibly clear that she refuses to make things up, especially about herself. You are not erasing this trauma, Simone. Not when you’ve already let the system destroy her,” Clarke said, making it clear that she refused to leave until her daughter got some justice.

“I don’t know what you expect for me to do? It’s been over a year, the parents were investigated appropriately, and Ontari is out of the home. What much more can I offer?”

“Take away his license; press charges; I don’t care what you do, Simone, but you have to do something! You are these kids advocates. You are their voice,” Clarke insisted in a rush of words.
“
It’s out of my hands. Unless it’s one of my kids in the home, I can’t do anything about it,” Simone deflected once more, making Clarke stew in her anger more.

“So, Ontari gets to spend the rest of her life wondering what she did to deserve all of that and that man gets to walk freely and get away with his harmful behaviour?” Lexa questioned.

“I know you two think you understand Ontari. But she is a difficult kid with bad habits. If I bring his actions to question, he’ll probably say she seduced him-,”

“Seduced him?!” Clarke yelled. “She was 14, Simone! She is a child!”

“I’ll only say it once more: there is nothing I can do.”

“What if it was Madi?” Lexa asked, hoping a bit of perspective would make Simone do something. “What if there is a young child in his care right now that he is molesting? Would you want to stop that?”

“Unless it’s my case-,”

“I didn’t ask if it was your case or not. I asked if you would try to intervene if you knew there was a child in harm’s way,” Lexa said, her voice cold and eerily calm.

“I can try to track down the social worker in charge of any children in the home. If I find them, I’ll alert them of the potential dangers. Does that work for you two?” Simone asked, making Lexa nod. Clarke was much less quick to agree.

“Why does it make a difference if it was Madi or Ontari?” Clarke asked, her voice calmer than before.

“It doesn’t-,” Simone clearly lied.

“It does, because when Lexa mentioned Madi you offered a solution. Why does it make a difference?” Clarke pressed, making Simone sigh and lean back in her seat.

“Madi wouldn’t deserve to be treated like that.”

“But Ontari would?”

“Ontari gets what she deserves,” Simone said slowly, making it clear that she didn’t believe Ontari was a victim in this case.

If Clarke’s license weren’t on the line, she would’ve torn Simone a new one for speaking about Ontari like that. But she had to remain somewhat composed if she had any hope of taking the girls back home that night.

“You know when I met Ontari the first thought that crossed my mind was ‘what made this girl so angry?’,” Clarke said, picking her words wisely. “Her childhood clearly had a play in it. Having to grow up with a mother who had drug problems; having to change homes when things got bad; having to raise a baby at the age of nine because her own mother wasn’t capable enough to do it. Those things would certainly piss any kid off. But talking to you now has made me realize something: maybe she wouldn’t be so broken, so impossible to handle as you once told me, if she had someone standing up for her from the start. You took a child, Simone, and you let strangers take her down so much that she had no other choice than to close herself off entirely. Ontari didn’t deserve any of the bad things lobed at her. What she did deserve was a better social worker. I hope you never forget that this is a child that you failed.”

Everyone in the room sat in silence for a beat. Lexa was too shocked to follow that up, and Simone seemed unsure of how to proceed.

“Putting my efforts to question will not help you in the long run,” Simone finally warned, making Clarke shake her head.

“You know just as well as I do that if you take them away from me you will only be proving my point further. There is still time to stand up for Ontari. I hope that you decide to finally do that for her.”

Clarke stood up with that, deciding herself that the conversation was no longer worth pursuing. They went there with the sole intent to protect other children and potentially give Ontari the justice she deserved. Since Simone was clearly too stubborn to do either, Clarke determined it was time to leave.

Just as Clarke and Lexa got to the office door Simone spoke up once more.

“Why push so hard, Clarke? She isn’t your kid and may very well never think of you as her mother.”

Clarke turned and gave Simone a cold glare. “I push because while she may never think of me as her mother, I feel it deep down that she is my child. And I will never stop fighting for my kids. Never.”

With that, Clarke turned and allowed Lexa to lead her out. When the door shut Clarke finally allowed herself to breakdown, and Lexa was right there to pick her back up.

-----

When the girls and Beatrice arrived at the apartment, the older woman was a lot quicker to corner Ontari.

“Did you bring me any money? I’m completely out of what you brought me the first time,” Beatrice said as she blocked Ontari from moving past the closed front door.

“This was all I could scrounge up,” Ontari said as she pulled out two crumpled five-dollar bills. She'd found them on the street before Beatrice picked them up and was slightly relieved to have something to give to her mom when she asked.

“Didn’t you check your foster mom’s wallet? Her closet? Her purse?” Beatrice pressed as she grabbed the bills from the teen rather harshly, making her jump.

“I can’t steal from her, mom,” Ontari admitted, making the older woman turn red.

“I am your mother, Ontari! You suddenly care more about a stranger than your own mother?!”

“No, I’m sorry,” Ontari squeaked out as she pressed herself against the door. “She just doesn’t deserve that. She’s good to me and Madi.”

“Stupid girl,” Beatrice snapped, turning away from Ontari and heading to the kitchen.

“I’m sorry, mommy,” Ontari whimpered as she fought back her tears. “Please don’t hate me. I’ll do better next time.”

Beatrice took in a long-suffering breath before releasing it along with the tension in her body.

“I’m sorry I got mad,” Beatrice said as she opened her fridge to reveal its emptiness. “I’m just hungry and I was really hoping you could pull through on the one day I get to see you.”

“Maybe I can talk to Clarke and we can bring groceries next time,” Ontari suggested, making the older woman shake her head.

“I am not a charity case, Ontari. Don’t you dare ask that woman for groceries. If you do, I’ll resent you for it.”

That threat seemed to shut Ontari right up.

“Go sit on the couch. I don’t want to ruin our time together,” Beatrice said as she placed the money into an empty cupboard and looked at Madi. “Madi, you only get to see me once a month and you plan to read through it?”

Madi looked up from her book which she had decided to read this time.

“She has a summer reading list,” Ontari lied as she stepped in front of her little sister. “I told her it was okay to continue reading when we got here.”

“You are just one disappointment after another,” Beatrice sighed as she dropped the conversation and went to sit on the couch.

Ontari sighed as well as she got Madi settled at the kitchen table with her book before approaching her mom.

“I know something is wrong,” Ontari began slowly as she took a tentative seat on the couch next to Beatrice.

“I’m fine,” Beatrice said as she pinched the bridge of her nose and shut her bloodshot eyes.

“You aren’t. You can talk to me, mom. I can help you,” Ontari said, not even realizing how quick she was to fall back into her old habit of comforting her mother.

“I have had a very difficult month,” Beatrice said. “You will never understand. You’ve had it good.”

Ontari bit her tongue to keep from arguing that.

“I’m listening,” she said instead as a way to encourage her mother to continue.

So Beatrice continued, and her angry ranting about her shitty life soon turned into a full meltdown that had her crying with her head in Ontari’s lap.

Madi glanced at the noisy wailing of their mother every so often but decided not to do anything about it. She was young, but it was clear that her few memories with her mother included a lot of her in this state.

Ontari seemed to be suffering through this well-memorized situation as well. She held her mother who cursed out everyone who failed her and did her best to offer some comfort, but deep down she knew that if she couldn’t fix it when she was six, she certainly couldn’t fix it now.

Her mother was broken, and no matter how hard Ontari tried, she could never be fixed.

-----

After their talk with Simone, Clarke was in clear need of some adoptive mother advice that Lexa wasn’t entirely equipped to provide. Indra, however, was perfectly capable of helping her out, which is what brought them to the Woods’ household.

Clarke and Indra sat on the outdoor furniture and watched from a distance as Lexa and Gustus got to work on restoring the old playset.

“What’s running around in that mind of yours?” Indra finally asked after she and Clarke watched the slide get detached from the set.

“Ontari told Lexa and I about something horrible that happened in her last home. We brought it to her social worker’s attention and she basically said that she wouldn’t do anything about it because Ontari deserved it,” Clarke explained as she pulled her legs up to quell the nauseous feeling that ran through her stomach.

“It amazes me that half of those people are allowed to be social workers,” Indra sighed as she reached out and squeezed Clarke’s knee. “Some of them are amazing. They are working for the kids and they do whatever they can to protect them. But there are some that will let a perfectly good child slip through the cracks without a second thought. As long as the kid’s alive, they get their paycheck.”

“That whole system is fucked up,” Clarke sighed. “I know there are too many kids and not enough homes, but how can they let pedophiles be foster parents? How can they let someone hurt kids? How could they let someone hurt my baby?” Clarke asked, her last question coming out with an emotional sob.

Indra clicked her tongue and moved closer to wrap Clarke in a hug, which the blonde gratefully accepted.

“I know what it’s like, Clarke. To be a mother to a child that you didn’t get to protect from the start. But you have to remember that because of you, they are now safe. You didn’t give them their lives, but you gave them love and security. That is so much more than some of them could ever ask for.”

“I couldn’t even protect Ontari from Simone like I wanted to, though,” Clarke said as she wiped her cheeks. “I’m starting to realize that she has had no one in her corner her whole life.”

“But now she has you, Clarke. She has Lexa. She has us. She has this whole crazy family in her corner, and we will continue to stand there forever.”

Clarke nodded her understanding and grasped Indra’s hand. “How did you do it? How did you learn about what your kids went through and not rip the heads off of every person that contributed to that?”

“I’ve been tempted,” Indra said with a smirk before she became somber once more. “We can fight the endless fight as long as we want, Clarke. We can do our best to hold every person who ever laid a hand on our children accountable. But at the end of the day, that isn’t what they need. Our kids need us to be strong, and to hold them up after people tore them down. They need us to invest all of our attention towards putting the broken pieces of their lives back together and to re-teach them what it means to love and be loved. Justice is important, they all deserve to have that someday, but for the moments that we have them right there in front of us, we need to make sure we help them heal.”

“So, in Ontari’s case, I should worry less about Simone and focus more on her needs?” Clarke asked, making Indra nod.

“You fight for her when she isn’t there. You give that woman, Simone, hell once Ontari is legally yours and everything is settled. But in the moments that Ontari is right in front of you and she is telling you about another bad family she lived with you remember to love her through it right then and there and raise hell later.”

“I really hope karma is real and all those people that ever hurt her and Madi get what they deserve,” Clarke said as she looked out at Lexa and Gustus.

“In due time, Clarke. No one can get away with being a monster for long.”

-----

“Tari, I’m hungry,” Madi whispered as she approached her sister who now held a sleeping Beatrice.

“Eat the snack that Clarke packed you,” Ontari suggested as she continued to run her fingers through her mom’s patchy hair.

“I ate it an hour ago,” Madi said before she revealed her small wristwatch which read 6pm. They still had two more hours to go with their mom.

Ontari sighed when she saw the time. It was a waste of a visit. After their mother’s hysterical meltdown, the woman passed out and remained asleep for over four hours. It was just like when she was little, and her mom would be knocked out all day before getting up for a fix in the evening. Clearly Beatrice didn’t have trouble falling back into old habits despite being clean.

“Go look in the cabinets for something. I’ll just buy mom a replacement later,” Ontari said, making Madi nod before she shuffled to the kitchen and began searching the lower cabinets for something food-like.

Not long after sending Madi off did Ontari feel the pressure in her bladder return. She’s had to pee since 2pm and it was getting unbearable at this point.

“I don’t want to pee on you, mom,” Ontari whispered as she finally decided to trade her lap out for a ratty old blanket and rush to the bathroom down the hall.

Ontari sighed out in relief when she finally got to empty her bladder and reveled in the feeling for a moment.

Not a minute later, when the teen was washing her hands, a loud yell from Beatrice and frightening scream from Madi sent her running back to the kitchen.

“What the fuck are you doing in my cupboards?!” Beatrice yelled as she held Madi’s arm tightly and shook the girl angrily.

Ontari didn’t hesitate to rush towards the two and pull Madi free.

“What is wrong with you?!” Ontari yelled at Beatrice as she held a sobbing Madi close.

“She was looking through my stuff-,”

“Because she’s hungry!” Ontari interrupted as she took a step back in fear of her mother lashing out.

“You know I hardly have any food, Ontari! That one needs to stop being selfish when she knows she has a place to eat tonight,” Beatrice said as she angrily reached for Madi once more.

Ontari quickly stepped back once more and turned Madi away from her mother’s reach.

“Enough of this. I am her mother and I am allowed to punish her,” Beatrice puffed out, reaching for Madi again.

“You touch her, and I swear I will never come back here again,” Ontari seethed, making Beatrice freeze. “No one is allowed to touch Madi. No one!”

“And who said that you get to make that decision?” Beatrice challenged as she set her hands on her hips.

“I did after I had to raise her on my own for the last seven years. I don’t know if you remember, but you were hiding behind some dumpster getting high while I was raising your kid.”

“That is a cruel, cruel thing to say to me, young lady. I did my best-,”

“Fucking stop!” Ontari yelled out. “Stop acting like everything that has ever happened to you wasn’t your fault. You did this to yourself, mom. You were clean and you still decided to go back to drugs. Every time you were given the chance to get better for us, you chose drugs. It was always drugs. And now we finally get a chance to be a family again and you are still not picking us!”

“My life is stressful,” Beatrice deflected, making Ontari shake her head.

“No, mom, my life is stressful. Your life is a mess because you made it one. My life is a mess because you let it become one. You weren’t there for me,” Ontari said, allowing the reality settle in her as well. “You never loved me, did you?”

“Of course I loved you,” Beatrice said, her voice cracking with the first sign of real emotion.

“You just didn’t love me enough,” Ontari corrected. “You never loved Madi or me enough to get better.”

“I’m trying now, Ontari. Doesn’t that count for something?” Beatrice asked, making Ontari shake her head as she grabbed Madi’s bag from the kitchen table.

“No,” Ontari whispered. “I think after all this time of you not loving me enough, I stopped loving you entirely,” Ontari said as tears started falling down her cheeks.

“Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that! I am your mother,” Beatrice said, her tone seemingly desperate. “Please, Ontari, I need you to help me. I need you if I want to keep getting better. Without the money, I won’t be able to eat and then I’ll die.”

“Use a foodbank, mom. I can’t keep helping someone who only cares about themselves.”

“At least say you love me. You can’t stop loving your mommy,” Beatrice pleaded, reaching for her daughters once more. Ontari didn’t let her get close enough, however, as she reached for the door and pulled it open.

“You stopped loving me first. Now it’s my turn,” Ontari said before leaving the apartment in a rush.

Ontari carried a still crying Madi down the stairs and out the back door of the old apartment building.

As she started to hurry down the street, the sound of her mother wailing from the balcony could be heard.

“Ontari, you horrible child! I am your mother! You can’t stop loving your mother!”

Ontari stifled her sobs against Madi as she picked up the speed and rounded the corner, heading back in the direction of the park.

They still had over an hour until pick up but Ontari decided to take that time to get a handle over her emotions instead of calling Clarke and Lexa to pick them up early.

“Are you okay, baby?” Ontari asked as she finally took a seat on a park bench and sat back so she could check Madi over.

“My arm hurts,” Madi whimpered as she held up her right arm which was already bruising. Ontari knew her sister wasn’t crying over the pain. They both developed a tolerance that would prevent an arm grab from actually hurting. But Madi was no doubt scared after being yelled at by their mother.

“I’m sorry,” Ontari whispered out guiltily as she pressed a kiss to the bruised skin before pulling her sister into a hug. “I should’ve never left you alone with her.”

“Why do people keep hurting us, Tari?” Madi asked as she clung to the neck of her older sister.

“I don’t know,” Ontari said, her voice cracking when she realized she’d asked herself that very question more times than she’d like to admit. “But I’m here. And you know that I will protect you with everything I have.”

“I want to go home to mama and Lexa. They never hurt us,” Madi said, making Ontari nod.

“I know they don’t,” Ontari said as she pressed Madi back a bit to have a serious conversation with her. “But we need to try to forgive mom. She had a bad day and they happen a lot, but when we go back to her we can’t say the things I said to her today. I made it worse, which is my fault. The next time we see her we have to be better.”

“But she isn’t a good mommy,” Madi said, failing to understand why they had to forgive a bad mommy when they had a perfectly good one in another home.

“She is a good mommy. She’s just made some bad choices. We will be better next time. Right?”

Madi refused to acknowledge her sister’s request. Instead, she leaned forward once more and wrapped Ontari in a hug again. Maybe if she showed her what real love was she would stop running back to the fake kind.

Notes:

another angsty one. i'm not sure why, but at the beginning of this story, i didn't intend to write simone as such an antagonist, but now that we're here i can see where i was building up to. This definitely helps me write the end of the story.

side note, simone's representation of social workers is 100% fiction and just a conjuring of my own imagination to fule this story. there are definitely social workers out there who work for the children and have the best intentions at heart. that being said, there are issues within the system that i do bring to light in this story, and i stand my belief that there needs to be changes in order to better cater to the needs of foster children and their well-being.

just a heads up, the next update will be shorter than usual, but you will all be very satisfied with the ending ;)

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 23: something to hold on to

Notes:

the universe is seeming
really huge right now

i need something to hold on to

-e. lockhart

Clarke and Lexa remained in the dark about what happened at the girls’ last visit for close to two weeks. Madi’s bruise was chalked up to be an accident in which she fell off a chair, which Clarke wasn’t pleased to hear about but couldn’t argue because the girl was known to be clumsy.

It was near the end of August, as Clarke and Lexa were sitting out on the balcony and watching the stars above them, that Madi decided to tell the truth.

It was midnight when Madi padded her way outside, making both women sit up in their seats in confusion.

“Weren’t you supposed to be in bed?” Clarke asked as Madi crawled into her lap and curled up there.

“I can’t sleep,” Madi mumbled. She was troubled by her thoughts, but Clarke and Lexa weren’t aware of this yet.

“Is that extra cookie I slipped you after dinner keeping you up?” Lexa teased as she tickled the bottom of Madi’s foot. While Madi would usually squeal and giggle, she didn’t do so this time. “Hey. What’s got you so glum?” Lexa asked as she finally noticed the sad pout on the child’s lips.

“I don’t want to go live with my mom,” Madi said, making Clarke and Lexa look at each other briefly. They knew repetition was key, but Madi seemed to always go back to this conversation.

“Baby, we’ve talked about this,” Clarke said as she pulled back to look at Madi’s face. “Nothing is changing yet.”

“She isn’t a good person, though,” Madi protested. This was new.

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked as she gently brushed back some of Madi’s hair.

“Do you love me?” Madi asked, changing topics suddenly.

“Of course we do,” Clarke affirmed, briefly glancing at Lexa who shrugged.

“Do you love Tari?” Madi asked next.

“Yes, sweetheart. Why are you asking this?” Clarke asked, making Madi sigh.

“Because our mommy can’t say yes like you do. Tari said she doesn’t love us enough which means that we have to do better. But I don’t want to keep trying to make her love me when you and Lexa already do,” Madi explained, finally getting her point across.

“You’re worried your mom doesn’t love you enough?” Lexa asked, making Madi shake her head.

“I know she doesn’t love me and Tari enough. She hurt my arm and she made Tari cry. That isn’t love,” Madi said, making both Clarke and Lexa freeze before the realization dawned on them.

“You didn’t get that bruise falling off a chair?” Clarke asked as she brushed her fingers over the spot where the faded bruise sat.

“No. Mommy caught me looking for food and grabbed me,” Madi explained, making Clarke bristle slightly.

“What do you mean you were looking for food?”

“She doesn’t have any. She’s been asking Tari for money so she can get some, though,” Madi explained as she looked between Clarke and Lexa.

“That explains the lack of feeding them dinner,” Lexa sighed as she rubbed her forehead. “We need to tell Simone about this.”

Clarke nodded her agreement but paused when she looked back at Madi. Indra’s reminder ran through her mind. “You remember to love her through it right then and there and raise hell later.”

“Why didn’t you tell me or Lexa about this sooner?” Clarke asked gently as she rubbed Madi’s back lovingly.

“Tari said not to. But Tari always protects me from the bad things and now it’s my turn. I have to protect her from our mommy before she gets hurt.”

Clarke smiled weakly at the little girl before pulling her into a long hug. “You are such a good girl, Madi. And I am proud of you for telling us now.”

“Are you going to help me protect Tari?” Madi asked, making both women nod.

“Of course,” Lexa promised as she grasped the little girl’s hand.

“We’ll do our best,” Clarke followed up with, making Madi sigh out in relief.

“That’s really been bugging you, hasn’t it?” Lexa asked as a sleepy yawn came over Madi.

“Yeah,” Madi agreed as she cuddled into Clarke’s chest and let her eyes shut slowly.

“Try to sleep, baby. I promise we’ll take care of things in the morning,” Clarke whispered as she pressed a kiss to the top of Madi’s head before covering her with the light blanket that was on her lap.

Lexa gently grasped Clarke’s hand as they returned to looking up at the stars.

It didn’t take long for Madi’s light snores to fill the space around them.

-----

The next day, Clarke and Lexa tried to plan the right time to talk to Ontari. By the looks of it, there never really was a good time to confront the teen about her mother’s poor treatment of her and Madi.

Clarke decided to bite the bullet when Ontari returned from her run. She had been insisting on getting back into shape before her hockey season started up again in September and Clarke realized that the teen was always in a better mood after running and blowing off some steam.

“How was your run, sweetheart?” Clarke asked as Ontari went to the sink to refill her water bottle.

“Good,” Ontari breathed out as she started to guzzle down her water.

“Can we talk for a minute?” Clarke asked, making Lexa look up from her laptop and Ontari stop drinking.

“I’m all gross,” Ontari said as she pointed upstairs. “I was going to jump into the shower.”

“It’ll only be for a minute,” Clarke said as she pulled out a chair at the kitchen table for the teen.

Ontari raised her eyebrows before taking the seat. She looked at Clarke and Lexa expectantly.

“Madi’s worried about you,” Clarke started to say, making Ontari furrow her eyebrows.

“Why?” the teen asked as she took another swig from her water bottle.

“She told us about what happened at your last visit with your mom,” Lexa supplied, earning a nod from Clarke.

“She what?” Ontari asked, starting to grow defensive.

“Don’t be upset. She simply said that she’s worried that you’re going to get your feelings hurt because your mom can’t love you back as much,” Clarke said, making Ontari clench her fists angrily.

“She got it all wrong!”

“What part did she get wrong?” Clarke asked, keeping her tone calm and even. “The part where Beatrice grabbed her arm? Or when Beatrice took money from you? Or when she made you think that it was your fault that she couldn’t love you more?”

“She does love me enough,” Ontari protested, her anger dissolving into sadness rather quickly. “And she didn’t take money from me. I gave it to her. She needed it for groceries.”

“And the part where she grabbed Madi?” Lexa asked, making Ontari’s lower lip quiver.

“I protected Madi from her. I did.”

“We know you did,” Clarke said as she rested her elbows on her knees. “But you shouldn’t have to protect your sister from your mother.”

Ontari’s anger seemed to return with that comment. She was crossing her arms and scowling, proving that the conversation was in to take a turn.

“You don’t get it!” Ontari yelled as she got to her feet. “My mom is sick, and I have to help her get better. I’m the only one who can do it. She has bad days and it’s not fair to punish her for that.”

“No one is punishing anybody,” Lexa said, hoping to ease the girl’s anger.

“Then why are we having this conversation?!” Ontari asked in exasperation.

“Because we’re worried about you,” Clarke said as she stood up as well. “Madi is scared that you are going to get hurt and we are too. We lo-,”

“My mom would never hurt me!” Ontari yelled, cutting Clarke off quickly. “She makes mistakes but that’s why she needs me. I make things better.”

“That’s a parent’s job. Not a kid’s,” Lexa reminded, making Ontari shake her head.

“We’re different then. I’m helping her and soon enough she’ll be ready to take Madi and me home. Stop trying to ruin the one thing I want.”

“We don’t want to ruin anything for you, Ontari,” Clarke said. “We just want you to remember that you should never feel like it’s your fault that someone doesn’t love you enough. There is no such thing as half-love when you’re a parent.”

“How would you know?” Ontair bitterly asked. “You’re not a real mom.”

The teen stalked off with that, making Clarke sigh before she plopped down at the table once again.

“That went horribly,” Clarke said as Lexa rubbed her back reassuringly.

“It could’ve gone much worse. Let’s just hope Beatrice can turn her act around before she breaks that poor girl’s heart.”

-----

“Why did you tell them?” Ontari asked Madi as they both tried to fall asleep that night.

“Tell them what?” Madi asked, having long forgotten what she said.

“About what mom did. Why did you tell Clarke and Lexa about that?” Ontari asked, turning over to look at her sister who did the same in her own bed.

“Because mommy isn’t nice. She doesn’t love us the way mommies should,” Madi explained, making Ontari shake her head.

“That isn’t true. You’re just too little to understand,” Ontari excused, making Madi sit up.

“That’s not fair, Tari! You always say I’m too little but that isn’t true. I understand things,” Madi insisted as Ontari sat up as well and rested on her elbows.

“But you don’t understand the big things. You don’t understand what happened to mom and why we had to move between so many foster homes.”

“We had to leave homes because you were getting hurt,” Madi said, proving that she had some understanding of the abuse her sister endured. “And we don’t live with mommy because she isn’t good enough to take care of us.”

“She was once. Before you were born, she was good,” Ontari said, allowing herself to briefly go back to the time when her mom was clean before their trip to Nevada.

“Was it my fault?” Madi asked, quickly making Ontari shake her head.

“No way. I think it was my fault, actually,” the teen said, chewing her lip with concern.

“What did you do?”

“You’re too little-,”

“Tari, please! I’m not a baby,” Madi insisted making Ontari take a long breath.

“We went on a trip and I remember telling her how happy I was that she was doing better. I was listing off all of the things that I was able to do now that I didn’t have to take care of her as much and I think that made her upset.”

“So she made herself sick again?” Madi asked, making Ontari nod. “That doesn’t sound nice.”

“It’s not. But I should’ve never made her feel like she was a burden. That was my fault,” Ontari said, making Madi furrow her eyebrows.

“You always say that things are your fault. Like when other foster parents would hit you, or when Simone yells at us, or when mommy cries. You say it’s your fault. Why?” Madi asked, making Ontari shrug.

“Imagine that every person has a light around them,” Ontari said, hoping to explain why she was at fault all the time. “Your light is yellow. It’s so good and bright and nothing bad ever happens because your light keeps it away.”

“I like yellow,” Madi said, accepting the colour. “What’s yours?”

“Mine is black. Dark,” Ontari said as she frowned. “I make bad things happen everywhere I go, which is why I think most things are my fault.”

Madi frowned as she watched her older sister speak. Wordlessly, Madi climbed out of her bed and climbed into Ontari’s where she kindly cuddled into her sister.

“Your light isn’t black, Tari,” Madi whispered, making Ontari chuckle lightly.

“What is it then?” Ontari asked as she sniffled, a clear sign that tears were threatening to fall.

“Soft blue. Like the part of the sky that touches the water,” Madi said, making Ontari smile softly before she dropped a kiss to the top of her head.

“Those books really do make a difference,” Ontari mentioned. “No seven-year-old sounds that smart.”

“Well, I am very smart,” Madi insisted, making Ontari laugh.

“I know. You are incredibly smart, Mads.”

“Which is why I knew I had to tell mama and Lexa about mommy. I’m smart, but mama is even smarter. She knows what to do to protect us,” Madi explained as she glanced up at Ontari.

“I can protect myself,” Ontari gently reminded, making Madi shake her head.

“Everyone needs someone to protect them. Every book I read has two people who protect each other, and they always have a happy ending. I think we deserve a happy ending too, Tari.”

-----

“Does it ever occur to you just how out of control we are?” Clarke asked as she laid in bed next to Lexa that night.

“What don’t we have control of?” Lexa asked as she cracked an eye open to see Clarke nervously chewing her lip.

“Everything. Our lives; what we do; where we go. What happens to the people in it. We can’t control any of it,” Clarke listed off, making Lexa open both eyes as she realized that this was a deeper conversation that required her whole attention.

“Yes and no,” Lexa said, as she absentmindedly trailed her fingers up and down Clarke’s arm. “We have control over some of the decisions we make. And isn’t that what life is? A comprised sum of all of our decisions?”

“Yeah, but that’s only a small part of it. We still can’t control who we meet; we can’t control who lives and who dies,” Clarke said, making Lexa frown slightly.

“I know loss is difficult, Clarke. And I agree, we get no say in what happens to the people that we cross paths with, but even though it hurts, our losses still brought us here. To each other,” Lexa reminded, making Clarke nod fervently.

“I know. And I love that I have you,” Clarke promised as she drew her hand over Lexa’s cheek. “But fuck, Lexa, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared.”

“Scared of what?” Lexa asked as she shuffled a bit closer to her girlfriend.

“I’m scared of losing you,” Clarke said, her voice cracking with emotion. “The thought of losing Ontari and Madi is already killing me, but every time I think about them leaving me, you appear too. It’s as if the day they are taken from me, you’ll leave as well.”

“Baby, I would never,” Lexa cooed as she pressed a gentle kiss to Clarke’s cheek.

“How do I know that, though? How do I know that I won’t make another rash decision like I did after my dad died and push you away because of it?” Clarke asked worriedly as tears of frustration started to slide down her cheeks.

“You just have to trust us. You have to believe that what we have here will last,” Lexa insisted.

“I can’t lose you three,” Clarke whimpered as a desperate sob slipped past her lips. “I can’t lose the best things that ever happened to me.”

Lexa silently wrapped Clarke around the middle and pulled her in close. She allowed for the blonde to nuzzle back into her as she continued to breakdown.

“I can’t promise that everything will work out with Ontari and Madi. But I can promise to never leave you. I can promise forever,” Lexa whispered before pressing a kiss to Clarke’s ear. “Marry me, Clarke. Marry me, and I swear I will never leave you no matter what life throws our way.”

“You want to marry me?” Clarke asked as she sniffled back her tears and turned a bit in Lexa’s hold to better see her face.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If getting married means that I get forever with the love of my life, then why would I pass that up?” Lexa asked, making Clarke smile softly past her tears.

Clarke knew that marriage didn’t guarantee permanence. She knew that a wedding ring wouldn’t secure their lives or make sure they lived to 105, but it was more than what they had now.

And in this moment, when life’s most troubling questions were bombarding her and making her realize just how small she was in the whole grand scheme of things, Lexa was anchoring her back to reality with the promise of forever.

Clarke Griffin wanted forever and a day, but she was willing to take whatever time the universe gave her as long as she had Lexa by her side.

“So, Clarke Griffin, will you make another life-altering decision with me and be my wife?” Lexa asked, making tears of joy now trickle down Clarke’s cheeks as she fervently nodded.

“Yes.”

Now smiling like idiots, Lexa pulled Clarke into a kiss.

“I can’t control much,” Clarke noted as they briefly broke their kiss. “But I can control the way I love you.”

And that was reassurance enough that Clarke had the slightest say in what happened in her life next.

Notes:

it's short, but i'm hoping the clexa proposal makes up for that.

i'm just going to warn you now, the next chapter is intense. a lot of chaos is coming your way in the next few chapters, but i promise everyone will survive (well, almost everyone).

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 24: ebbing and flowing

Notes:

"grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. all we can do it learn to swim" - vicki harrison

After their late-night existential crisis engagement, Clarke and Lexa decided to keep their new status on the down-low for a little while. They mainly did so for selfish reasons, as they wanted to enjoy their engagement privately before their whole family started swarming them with questions about a wedding and all of the fun little details that came with it.

Despite their silence, they still decided to buy rings for each other as a way to really solidify the proposal and give each other something to look forward to.

Ontari and Madi never seemed to really pick up on the new jewelry, and if they did, they never questioned it, but Clarke and Lexa knew they would have to tell them soon, especially since they wanted the girls to be the first people to know.

Before that could happen, however, Clarke and Lexa had a more important day to attend to: the first day of school.

Clarke and Lexa got up far earlier than necessary on the first day back. Lexa wanted to get back to her early morning runs before looking over her teaching notes one final time, and Clarke wanted to make the girls a special pancake breakfast.

While Lexa was out on her 6am run, Clarke got to work finding the perfect pancake recipe and following it to a tee.

It was as Clarke poured the first pancake out that Lexa returned, breathless and sweaty, but much more lively than she was thirty minutes ago.

“It took you thirty minutes to make the batter?” Lexa asked as she dipped her finger into the bowl to taste it.

“No,” Clarke said as she swatted the offensive hand away. “I messed up the first batch,” Clarke explained, making Lexa wiggle her eyebrows.

“What’d you do?” Lexa asked as she snuck a second taste of the batter.

“I put salt instead of sugar,” Clarke explained, making her fiancé laugh.

“I’m going to take a wild guess on how you figured that out,” Lexa teased as she took a bit of batter onto her finger which she then playfully tapped onto Clarke’s nose.

“I still taste the salt on my tongue,” Clarke said as she scrunched up her nose and wiped the batter off of it with the kitchen towel.

“My poor baby,” Lexa cooed before kissing Clarke. “Hmm, salty,” Lexa hummed thoughtfully, making Clarke whack her with the towel she still held.

“Be nice!” Clarke insisted, making Lexa laugh as she stepped away from the offensive whack.

“I’m kidding. Please save me one of those delicious new pancakes. I’m going to take a quick shower,” Lexa said, kissing Clarke once more before she hurried upstairs.

Clarke returned to her pancake on the stove and transferred it to a plate when it became a nice golden brown. Clarke quickly made a second pancake, which she put onto a separate plate before she turned the stove off.

Turning her attention back to the pancakes, Clarke used a canister of whipped cream to draw smiley faces onto them before using chocolate to add some extra decoration.

Once she was pleased with how they looked, Clarke grabbed the plates and headed up the stairs.

As quietly as possible, Clarke crept her way into the girls’ room and set one of the plates down on the nightstand before turning to a still sleeping Madi.

Clarke sat next to Madi and carefully brought the plate under the child’s nose, allowing the sweet smell to stir her awake.

“Mama?” Madi mumbled as she sniffed the air. Clarke stifled a laugh as she reached down and brushed some of Madi’s bedhead from her face.

“Good morning, baby girl. Do you know what day it is?” Clarke asked as she pulled the plate away from Madi’s nose and allowed the little girl to sleepily sit up.

“First day of school,” Madi smiled before a large yawn overcame her. As she yawned, Madi rubbed her eyes, allowing her to take notice of the pancake that Clarke still held. “Is that for me?” The seven-year-old asked excitedly, making Clarke nod her agreement.

“Of course it is! This is the super-special first day of school breakfast I was talking about,” Clarke said all in one breath, making Madi giggle excitedly before she took the plate. “Go downstairs and start eating. I put your favourite movie on the TV. You just have to hit play,” Clarke instructed, making Madi nod before she hurried out of the room.

Once the girl was gone, Clarke turned her attention to Ontari who was peacefully sleeping with her earbuds securely in her ears still.

Carefully, Clarke switched beds and gently pulled the earbuds out.

“Wake up, sweetheart,” Clarke whispered as she used her hand to rub Ontari’s back.

“Mmm,” Ontari groaned as she started to stir from her sleep.

“C’mon. I have a special treat for you,” Clarke said, hoping to get Ontari to respond more.

“What is it?” Ontari mumbled as she kept her eyes shut.

“A super special first day of school and first hockey game of the season breakfast,” Clarke said, making Ontari smirk slightly.

“That’s a mouthful,” the teen said as she finally opened her eyes and looked at Clarke. “You have my attention, though.”

Clarke smiled and reached for the plate as Ontari pushed herself onto her elbows so she could see what her foster mother handed her better.

“A happy pancake,” Ontari said as she gave Clarke a small smile and accepted the plate.

“I want you to have a happy start to a good day,” Clarke explained, making the teen nod.

“And you already know it’s going to be a good day?” Ontari asked as she dipped her finger in the whipped cream.

“Without a doubt. Any day that starts with a smiley face pancake is a good one,” Clarke said, making the teen frown slightly.

“I have a bad feeling,” the teen said, making Clarke’s smile fall.

“What kind of feeling?” Clarke asked as she reached up to touch Ontari’s forehead. She wasn’t sick by the looks of it.

“I can’t explain it. I just don’t think it’s going to be a good day,” Ontari explained. “Maybe I should stay home and try again tomorrow,” Ontari suggested, making Clarke laugh and shake her head.

“You’ll never know what kind of day it is until you actually get out there,” Clarke said as she playfully took a bit of whipped cream to put on Ontari’s nose, making the teen smile a small smile. “And no matter what kind of day it is, you can always count on me to try to make it better,” Clarke promised, making Ontari nod lightly as she wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “Now what do you say we go downstairs and try to have a good start?”

“Okay,” Ontari agreed, though it was clear as day that she wasn’t entirely convinced.

Ontari was still sure that today was going to be a bad day. She just couldn’t pinpoint why.

-----

“Remind me again why we’re so early?” Ontari said as she walked alongside Lexa and Madi in the nearly empty school.

“I have to set up my classroom and Clarke couldn’t drive you guys because she had an early client to meet. Plus, it’s pouring rain outside and I doubt either of you wanted to walk in that,” Lexa said, making Ontari sigh before she nodded her agreement.

“This isn’t going to be a normal thing, right?” Ontari asked as she walked into Lexa’s English room. Seeing as this was her homeroom this year, and that her first period of the day was Lexa’s English 11 class, Ontari went to stake a claim over her desk in the back corner of the room.

“I promise, no more early mornings for you two,” Lexa said, as she pulled out her large binder with all of her class information.

“Lexa, am I in any of your classes?” Madi asked as she climbed onto Lexa’s desk chair and looked at the binder that the older woman was flipping through.

“No, sillybean. You have Mr. Watson in grade 2, remember?”

“But I’m a good reader. Can’t I be in your English class instead?” Madi asked, making the teacher chuckle.

“Mr. Watson still has to teach you math,” Ontari said to her little sister who shook her head.

“I can add. Ms. Green taught me last year.”

“Okay, smarty pants. Let’s see if you can use your math in the real world,” Ontari said, deciding to test her little sister’s claim that she was all good in the math department. “Let’s say Clarke has 15 eggs to make a bread-,”

“You don’t actually need eggs to make bread,” Lexa interrupted, making the teen give her a ‘wtf’ look before she returned her attention to Madi.

“Anyways. Clarke has 15 eggs, but she drops five. She asks Lexa for some eggs, but she only gives Clarke 3. How many eggs does Clarke still need to make her bread?” Ontari asked, making Lexa tilt her head in confusion and Madi pretend to count the answer on her fingers.

“I got it!” Madi declared, making Lexa look at her in surprise and Ontari smirk.

“Go on then,” the teen prompted.

“None! Because you don’t need eggs to make bread,” Madi stated, making Lexa laugh and Ontari roll her eyes.

“This is why you should’ve let me finish the question,” Ontari said to Lexa who was too busy laughing at Madi’s response.

“Madi, you smart, smart girl,” Lexa praised.

“The answer was two, by the way,” Ontari said, making Madi stick her tongue out at her. “This is why you have to go to grade two before you can come to Lexa’s English class.”

“Just a few more years,” Lexa promised to the little girl who pouted and crossed her arms.

“Math is stupid. When I grow up, I’m going to read books all day.”

Lexa laughed once more and playfully tickled the girl. Ontari smiled softly as she watched the interaction before her sleepiness got the better of her and she rested her head onto her desk.

“Are you falling asleep in my class?” Lexa asked, making Ontari shrug.

“You dragged me here before 7:30.”

“Fair enough. I’ll wake you before people come in,” Lexa promised before she took off her sweater and approached the teen. Carefully, Lexa draped her sweater over Ontari’s shoulders.

She didn’t see the small smile that came to Ontari, but she was sure nonetheless that the teen appreciated it.

-----

As the day progressed, Ontari continued to struggle with the feeling she had earlier that morning. Something just wasn’t right, but she still couldn’t figure out what it was.

Because of the heavy rain outside, Ontari decided to spend her lunch in Lexa’s classroom, something the older woman happily welcomed.

They ate their lunches and made small talk before falling into their silent activities. Lexa organized her lesson plan for the next class and Ontari sketched.

When the bell rang for Ontari to head to her math class, the teen paused at the door and turned to Lexa with a smile on her face.

“Thanks for letting me sit in here with you.”

“Anytime,” Lexa said as she returned the smile. “Now get going before you’re late.”

Ontari nodded and left the classroom with that, feeling a bit better after her alone time with Lexa which eased some of her anxiety about what she thought was to come.

It was barely ten minutes into her math class when a call to her teacher interrupted the introductory lesson.

Ontari’s math teacher answered the call and glanced right at Ontari before nodding and agreeing to send her down.

“Ontari, you’re needed at the office,” the teacher said, making Ontari blanche slightly. How was she already in trouble on the first day? “Go on. Take your things,” the teacher encouraged, snapping Ontari out of her slight stupor.

In a slight frenzy, Ontari grabbed her bag and hurried to leave the classroom. The sound of the lesson continuing could be heard past the shut door.

Deciding to just bite the bullet and get it over with, Ontari hurried towards the office and approached the principal’s door.

After knocking twice, Ontari heard the voice of someone other than Indra telling her to come in.

Ontari pushed the door open to reveal Vice-Principal Rainer sitting at Indra’s desk. Across from him sat Madi, and behind her was Simone who seemed slightly frazzled.

“What’s going on?” Ontari asked slowly as she remained at the door in case she needed to escape.

“Please, take a seat. Shut the door behind yourself,” Mr. Rainer said as he motioned to the other seat across from him.

Ontari slowly shut the door behind herself before taking the seat that her vice principal motioned at.

“Your social worker needed to speak with you girls immediately,” Mr. Rainer explained, handing the torch over to Simone who stepped in front of the girls.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news, girls,” Simone began to say, making Ontari sit on the edge of her seat and Madi look up at her expectantly.

“What is it?” Ontari asked, her patience starting to run thin.

“I went to check in with your mother about your visitation this weekend,” Simone said, making Ontari nod.

“And? Is she okay? Does she need to move it?” Ontari asked, feeling her stomach slowly turn to stone as the dread from earlier that morning started to fill her once again.

“She didn’t come to the door,” Simone explained, clearly starting to pick her words wisely. “I got worried and called for help. When they got in-,” Simone paused, making Ontari shake her head.

“No,” Ontari whispered, already knowing where Simone was taking this.

“Your mother overdosed and was found dead,” Simone finally got out.

“No, but she was better,” Ontari argued, shaking her head even more. “She was clean. She wasn’t- I didn’t-.”

“Mommy’s dead?” Madi asked softly as she looked at Simone who could only nod her agreement.

“I am so sorry, girls. Your mother’s landlord had her suspicions that she was using again for well over two months now. She mentioned a lot of strange people lurking around the area that your mother would meet up with.”

“But she was clean!” Ontari yelled, not allowing herself to accept that her mother was gone. “She said she was clean and that she was going to get us back.”

“She was never clean, Ontari,” Simone said gently. “She just made us think she was.”

“No! This is all my fault,” Ontari said, standing up in a haste and rubbing her face. “Fuck! I did this,” the teen cried out as she began to hyperventilate.

“I want Lexa,” Madi said as she started to cry in her seat.

“It was all my fault,” Ontari continued to rant. Simone reached out to touch the teen, but her hand was slapped away aggressively. “Don’t touch me!” the teen sobbed out as she backed her way to the door. “I can’t do this,” the girl finally said before opening the door and running out.

“Ontari!” Simone said as she went to follow the girl.

“I want Lexa!” Madi sobbed out, making the social worker and vice-principal look at the child.

“I’ll give her a call,” Mr. Rainer promised as he dialed for Lexa’s English room.

Simone seemed to struggle for a moment. She didn’t know whether to run after Ontari or explain what just transpired to Lexa.

She didn’t get much of a choice as less than a minute later, the English teacher was hurrying into the room and pulling a crying Madi into her arms.

“What’s wrong, baby? What happened?” Lexa asked as she pulled back from the embrace slightly to check the girl over for any injuries.

“I just told the girls that their mother passed away,” Simone supplied, making Lexa look at her in shock, both at the news and at her presence.

“Beatrice is dead?” Lexa asked, making Simone nod her agreement. “Where’s Ontari?”

“She ran off. I have no idea where she went,” the social worker explained, making Lexa’s eyes widen.

“Dale, call Clarke Griffin,” Lexa instructed the vice principal who nodded his agreement and went about dialing the number that Lexa verbalized. “What were you thinking, Simone? You should’ve waited until Clarke was there,” Lexa berated, making the social worker nod her agreement.

“I know, but they deserved to know. I tried calling Clarke on my way over here, but she never answered.”

“That doesn’t excuse any of this!” Lexa insisted as she raised her voice. Madi seemed to cry a bit louder at the argument, which made the woman take it down quite a bit. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry,” Lexa whispered to Madi as she continued to hold her close and rub her back.

“Ms. Griffin will be here in ten minutes,” Mr. Rainer said once he ended his call with Clarke.

“Thank you,” Lexa sighed out before she shot a nasty glare at Simone. “You better hope Ontari doesn’t get very far.”

“You can go after her if you’d like,” Simone offered as she reached for Madi.

“No,” Lexa sneered as she held Madi further from the social worker. “She needs me right now. Just like Ontari needed someone she trusted in this room when you told them about their mother.”

“She doesn’t trust anyone-,”

“She trusts Clarke. After everything that’s happened between them, she trusts Clarke. You should’ve waited.”

-----

Ontari couldn’t breathe. It was different from her panic attacks, though. This kind of air deprivation came from deep within her chest. It was like her ribs were squeezing

squeezing

squeezing

and she couldn’t make it stop. She couldn’t force her ribs to release her lungs and let her get some air. But part of her didn’t want to breathe. She didn’t want to live with the thought that her mother was gone. She killed her own mother with her selfishness.

It was all her fault.

So the squeezing, as painful as it was, felt deserved.

Without paying much mind as to where her feet were taking her, Ontari started to head in the direction of Clarke and Lexa’s home. She felt lost without her mother but she was quick to run to the safety of the home she refused to consider her own.

Which is why, when she became more aware of where her body wanted to go, she stopped.

Her knees buckled, her body wavered, and before Ontari could stop herself she was falling down onto her knees.

When she came into contact with the muddy grass below her, Ontari finally felt her ribs release their painful vice.

With her first proper breath in, Ontari’s released an earthshaking sob. It came from deep within her soul and with it came all of the pain she felt. All of the guilt, the anguish, the disappointment that her mother would never be able to take her home.

All Ontari ever wanted was for her mother to love her enough to come back for her. But here she was; wet, alone, and waiting for the universe to finally give her what she’s wanted all along: a parent to love her.

But the universe was unkind.

And Ontari never got what she wanted.

-----

When Clarke received the call from the vice principal that she was needed at the school immediately she was able to hear Lexa yelling at someone in the background.

In fear that something happened to one of the girls, Clarke rushed out and sped her way over to the school, managing to cut her ten-minute drive down to seven minutes.

After parking haphazardly in the teacher’s lot, Clarke ran through the heavy downpour and into the school where she was instantly greeted with Madi’s crying. It was flowing through the ajar door of the principal’s office.

Pushing it open, Clarke instantly zoned in on Lexa who was holding a sobbing Madi in her arms as they sat in one of the chairs.

“What happened?” Clarke asked as she rushed to her daughter’s side and brushed a hand over her wet cheek. “Lex?” Clarke asked when Madi refused to reply.

“Simone told the girls that Beatrice is dead,” Lexa explained in a whisper, hoping not to upset Madi any further.

“Excuse me?” Clarke snapped as she turned to look at Simone. “Where’s Ontari?”

“She ran off after I told them,” Simone said, making Clarke whip back to Lexa.

“She didn’t have me here when she told them. Dale gave me a call when Madi asked for me,” Lexa said, making Clarke practically fume in her seat.

“What the hell, Simone!” Clarke snapped as she got up. “Who gave you permission to drop a bomb like that on the kids without having one of us around?”

“I tried to call you,” Simone said in her own defense.

“Then you should’ve kept trying. That is not something you tell without me, Simone! Jesus- how long ago did she run off?” Clarke asked as she looked between everyone in the room.

“It’s been close to fifteen minutes,” Lexa said, making Clarke’s eyes widen.

“I can’t believe you,” Clarke snapped at Simone before she turned back to Madi and approached the little girl. “Baby, stay with Lexa, okay? Mama has to go find Ontari,” Clarke said before dropping a kiss to the child’s forehead.

“Mama,” Madi cried as she reached for the blonde.

“Mama needs to find your sister. C’mon, I’ll give you a hug,” Lexa promised as she held the girl closer and allowed Clarke the opportunity to leave.

With one thankful glance at her fiancé and one nasty glare at Simone, Clarke hurried out of the school and went back to her car.

All she had to do was figure out where her girl would go after being delivered that earth-shattering news.

She eventually decided to simply search everywhere that was within a mile from the school.

After driving around for a good ten minutes, Clarke felt her desperation grow as well as her panic. It was still raining a ridiculous amount, and the rolling thunder in the distance explained the dark gray storm clouds that were brewing above.

The heavy rain was already making it difficult for Clarke to search amongst the faces for Ontari, but the added issue of light, or lack thereof, was obscuring her sight and making it near impossible to decipher who she was driving by.

Another ten minutes passed, and Clarke was growing tempted to call 911 despite Ontari being gone for under an hour. For all the blonde knew, Ontari would go home later after taking some time to herself.

But Clarke just knew she needed to find her and be there for her. It was her job as a mom, even if she wasn’t accepted as such by one of her kids.

It was as Clarke came across a small park near their home that she noticed a lump lying in the grass. It could’ve been anything – a bag, a small cushion, an animal – but something gnawed at the pit of Clarke’s stomach and told her that it was none of those things and she should go look.

In a haste, Clarke parked her car before running across the muddy field towards the lump which slowly took the form of a human that was knelt over their knees and shaking aggressively.

“Ontari,” Clarke sighed when she realized that it was in fact her child. “Oh baby,” Clarke whispered as she fell to her knees beside the teen, allowing her to finally hear that heartbreaking wails that Ontari released into her hands. “I’m so sorry,” the blonde said as she gently rubbed Ontari’s soaked back and leaned forward to press a kiss to the back of her head.

Ontari cried even harder at the contact but didn’t move away from it. Much rather, Ontari sat up to reveal her red-rimmed eyes and quivering lip. The sight nearly made Clarke cry as well.

“She’s gone,” Ontari whimpered, to which Clarke nodded her understanding.

“I know,” the older woman said as Ontari fell into her embrace and continued to cry. “I’ve got you, sweetheart. I’m here.”

Despite the rain, and the thunder that rumbled and groaned above them, Clarke and Ontari continued to sit in the middle of the park. They were drenched but didn’t seem to care as one was too busy falling apart and the other was doing her very best to gather the pieces to put back together again.

Notes:

so... i did that. opps?

i guess you'll find out soon enough how this affects the girls (mainly ontari).

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 25: since the beginning of everything

Notes:

"i feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. maybe we're from the same star" - unknown

After thirty minutes of sitting in the rain, Clarke started to grow concerned for Ontari’s health as the girl started to shake from the cold.

The blonde managed to call for Lexa who picked them up and drove them back home. Her own car would have to be dealt with later, though that was the least of Clarke's concerns.

No one spoke the entire ride home as the girls were much too shaken up to say anything and Clarke and Lexa didn’t want to press them to talk about it just yet.

Once home, Lexa took Madi to cuddle in her’s and Clarke’s room while Clarke took Ontari to her own room to change.

“I’m fine,” Ontari said when Clarke moved to help her out of her soaked sweater.

“I just want to make sure you get out of these wet clothes,” Clarke said before easing the sweater over Ontari’s head and letting it drop to the floor with a heavy splat. “I’m going to get you something to wear out of the dryer,” Clarke decided, allowing Ontari to take over while she hurried downstairs to the laundry room.

Clarke took the opportunity to change into new clothes from the dryer as well before she retrieved a set of her own warm pyjamas for the teen and went back up to the girls’ room where the distinct sound of sobbing could be heard through the door.

“Ontari,” Clarke said softly as she knocked on the door. When she didn’t receive a response, Clarke pushed open the door to find Ontari sitting on the floor in her underwear while hugging herself tightly to quell some of her shaky sobs.

Quickly, Clarke knelt by her foster daughter and wrapped her into a comforting embrace, which the teen gratefully nuzzled into.

“Just let it out,” Clarke encouraged as Ontari gripped to the back of her shirt for dear life.

Five minutes later, the teen had calmed down enough for Clarke to get her re-dressed in the dry clothes she brought up.

“Do you want to come to Lexa’s and my room for a cuddle?” Clarke asked as she grabbed the blanket off the foot of Ontari’s bed and draped it over the girl’s shoulders.

“Can I just be on my own for a bit?” Ontari asked in a whisper, making Clarke nod and hold her cheeks gently.

“You know where to find us,” Clarke said before dropping a kiss to Ontari’s forehead and turning to leave the room.

With Ontari’s wet clothes at hand, Clarke left the room and shut the door behind herself, waiting just a beat to listen for her kid to make sure she was going to be okay.

“Clarke, Madi wants you!” Lexa called out from their room, making the blonde abandon her post outside of Ontari’s room and hurry down the hall to her own.

Inside the room, Lexa was sitting in the middle of the bed with Madi cradled in her lap. The little girl was crying quietly but seemed much more composed than Ontari.

“Mama,” Madi said as she reached her arms out for Clarke.

“I’m here, baby,” Clarke promised as she took a seat next to Lexa and allowed for Madi to transfer onto her lap.

“Do you still want me and Ontari?” Madi asked in an unsure whisper as she played with the ends of Clarks’ shoulder-length hair.

“Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I want you two?” Clarke asked as she brushed back some of Madi’s hair.

“Cause our mommy was supposed to take us but she didn’t. And now she’s gone and we have no one who wants us,” Madi explained, making Clarke shake her head.

“Who said I didn’t want you?” Clarke pressed, knowing very well that Madi didn’t brew this thought all on her own. Madi clearly knew that she was wanted by Clarke.

“Ontari said that you were only taking care of us for a little bit and that our mommy would come take us away. She said this wasn’t our home,” Madi said, making Clarke glance at Lexa with a deep sigh.

“When your mommy was alive that was the intention. She was meant to get better and take you girls back. But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t want you, and that certainly doesn’t mean that this isn’t your home. I feel it deep in my heart that you and Ontari are my babies and I intend to keep you with me no matter what,” Clarke promised, making the little girl nod her understanding.

“Like adopting us?” Madi asked softly, making Clarke smile softly.

“It’ll take time but that’s what I’m trying to do.”

“I haven’t known your mama as long as you,” Lexa said to Madi, gaining the girl’s attention. “But I know that she would move mountains just to legally be your mama.”

“You’d move a whole mountain for me?” Madi asked Clarke who laughed.

“I’d move many mountains for my girls,” Clarke promised, looking to Lexa who smiled and reached to hold her hand.

“I’m sad about my mommy,” Madi acknowledged, making both women nod sympathetically.

“That’s normal,” Lexa said as she gently brushed back Madi’s hair. “When you lose somebody you loved it hurts quite a bit.”

“I don’t know if I loved my mommy, though,” Madi said. “Not that way I love you and Clarke. I know she was my mommy, but I don’t remember her a lot. There wasn’t enough good to remember.”

“You were very little,” Clarke reminded. “But deep down you loved her. I know you did, and you know that too.”

“You won’t ever leave me like my mommy did, right?” Madi asked as she looked between Clarke and Lexa.

“No, sweetheart,” Clarke promised as she caressed the child’s cheek. “We will never leave you.”

-----

“We shouldn’t let her play today,” Lexa said as she sat with Clarke in the kitchen. Ontari had her first hockey game of the season and was set to be at the club in thirty minutes, but the teen hadn’t left her room since she’d asked Clarke to give her some alone time.

Clarke and Lexa didn’t want to interrupt her but as the time drew closer to the game they had to decide whether or not to text Luna about her absence.

“I agree. There’s too much emotion that she has to work through, and I don’t want her to be in another high-tension situation while she-,” Clarke said, faltering in her speech when she heard the girls’ door open and then footsteps make their way down the stairs.

Ontari appeared with her hockey bag slung over her shoulder and her face void of any emotion.

“We’re going to be late,” the teen said, opting not to say much else.

“Sweetheart, do you think it’s a good idea to play today?” Clarke asked as she stood up from the table and approached the teen. Clarke could feel Ontari tense up when she reached out to touch her arm.

“It’s my first game with the new team. I don’t want her to take that away from me too,” Ontari said, giving some idea to Clarke and Lexa of how she came to that conclusion.

“You can take a break from the rest of the world, Ontari. No one would blame you for mourning,” Lexa said, also approaching the teen who shook her head.

“No. I don’t want to,” Ontari said, though the tears that welled in her eyes begged to differ.

“I would feel better if you didn’t play,” Clarke confessed, making Ontari furrow her eyebrows.

“What about my feelings?” the teen asked, her voice rising in volume slightly. She was getting angry, that much was clear. “I need to play, Clarke. Don’t take that away from me.”

Clarke sighed and looked to Lexa who could only offer a small shrug. They both knew what if felt like to the lose someone you love, which meant that they were well aware that mourning was done differently by everyone. In Ontari’s case, it seemed to be that she didn’t want to surrender to her feelings.

“I need you to promise that you will get off the ice if you feel overwhelmed,” Clarke said, making the teen nod weakly.

“Please, I just want to play,” Ontari nearly begged, making Clarke finally nod her agreement.

“Head out to the car while Lex and I get your sister,” Clarke said, making the teen sigh out in relief before she hurried downstairs.

Once she was out of earshot, Lexa grabbed Clarke’s arm and stopped her from heading upstairs for Madi.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Lexa asked in a hushed tone, making Clarke shrug unsurely.

“I don’t know, but Ontari needs this. If this helps to get her mind off of today’s events for even an hour, I think she’ll appreciate it. Besides, we’ll keep an eye on her and make sure Luna knows what’s up.”

“And when the game is done and she has to face reality again?” Lexa asked, knowing very well that the teen was a ticking time bomb of emotion right now.

“We’ll be there for her.”

-----

At the rink, Lexa was the one to update Luna on what had happened to Ontari earlier that day.

“Holy shit,” Luna said once Lexa finished recounting what transpired more than 5 hours ago. “Should she even be playing?”

“That’s what I’ve been wondering,” Lexa said as she glanced behind her sister to make sure the players weren’t leaving the changing room yet. “Ontari insists on playing, but I need you to pull her from the ice if things start to escalate.”

“Of course. I’ll stay on top of her,” Luna promised, their conversation stopping there when the changing room door opened and girls started filtering out.

“I have to find Clarke,” Lexa said as she squeezed Luna’s arm and turned in the direction of the rink.

Inside, Lexa found Clarke sitting with Madi and Raven. Madi was cuddled into Clarke’s embrace despite being invited by the other young kids to play in the lobby as they usually did. Raven, having also been updated, was talking to Madi softly about anything that would get her mind off of things.

When Lexa took her seat, Clarke grasped her hand and gave her a nervous smile.

“Luna’s got her,” Lexa promised as she pressed a gentle kiss to the back of Clarke’s hand.

“Have you seen the competition?” Clarke asked as she gestured to the ice. Lexa turned her attention to the other team and sighed when the realization set in.

“Number 4. She’s the one that Ontari was fighting with last time, wasn’t it?” Lexa asked as she watched the larger girl work through some practice penalty shots with her team.

“Mmh-hmm,” Clarke hummed her agreement. “Maybe it isn’t too late to pull Ontari?”

Clarke’s question was answered as team Polis stepped out onto the ice and started their warm-up drills as well. Getting Ontari off of the ice now would be the equivalent of pulling teeth, and that was a fight Clarke wasn’t ready to have today.

“She’ll be fine,” Lexa said, though she wasn’t sure if she was convincing Clarke or herself.

Clarke and Lexa both watched as Ontari set her glare onto number 4, a clear sign that she remembered her as well.

“Just keep your cool, Ontari,” Clarke whispered.

-----

Ontari intended to play a clean game. She wasn’t in the mood to fight today, even though the girl who beat up on her last time was staring her down as they waited for their teams to face-off at the start.

Number 4 was on her again today, making for Ontari’s patience to wear thin. But her mind was foggy, and she wasn’t all the way there, which distracted her from the other girl’s attempts to start a fight.

Ontari did her best to work with her team and to make as many assists as possible, though she refused to attempt any goals herself.

For the briefest moment, the pain that had lodged itself into Ontari’s chest and made it difficult to breathe had dissipated as she skated on the smooth ice and worked with her team like a well-oiled machine. She was breathing easier again and the ringing in her ears had disappeared entirely.

Ontari felt some semblance of being alright and she took solace in it for the entirety of the first period.

Before the second period, Luna had gathered her team and made the changes she needed. For a brief moment, she looked at Ontari before deciding to not switch her out. Just as she released her girls back onto the ice, Luna grabbed the cage on Ontari’s helmet and pulled her closer.

“How’re you feeling?” the coach asked quietly as to not gain the attention of the other girls on the bench behind her.

“Fine,” Ontari said, avoiding eye-contact despite Luna holding her helmet close.

“You’re looking good out there and I need you to stay that way, okay?” Luna asked, making the teen nod. “Don’t let number 4 get to you, got it?”

Ontari furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. She hadn’t been paying attention to the other player, but clearly, she was making advances that Luna was noticing.

Glancing to her right, Ontari noticed the larger girl glaring her down from her position.

Anger started to blossom in Ontari’s chest, but she wasn’t sure where it came from.

“Ontari, are you listening to me?” Luna asked, snapping Ontari back to reality.

“Yes. Got it. I’ll keep in check,” Ontari promised, making Luna nod before she released her cage and tapped her helmet.

“Get out there,” Luna instructed, stepping back from the baseboard and crossing her arms as Ontari skated to her left-wing position in front of number 4 and returned the nasty glare.

The ref dropped the puck, sending the players off.

Ontari received the puck from Adria and started to skate towards the opposing net. She had a clear opportunity for a breakaway when something wedged itself under her skate, sending her down with a heavy thud.

The ref blew his whistle just as Ontari came to her senses and realized that number 4 had deliberately stuck her stick under her skate to make her trip.

A penalty shot was called, but the flurry of emotion and general distraction Ontari was facing made her miss it.

Just as they prepared to face off once more, Ontari sneered a warning to number 4. “Try that again. See what happens,” Ontari said before setting her mouth guard into place and setting her stance.

Once more, the play started and Ontari took control of the puck, only to have two of the opposing players shove her into the baseboards.

Ontari, now losing control of her anger, shoved back against the other girls and started to yell.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Ontari nearly screamed as she dropped her stick.

“Nothing. What’s your damage, 28?” Number 4 asked as she returned the shove and pushed Ontari back against the board.

“I warned you! I fucking warned you, bitch!” Ontari sneered as she pulled her gloves off. Number 4 began to do the same before the referee wedged himself between both of them to prevent things from escalating.

“Last warning, ladies,” the referee said as he kept himself between the seething duo. “Knock it off before I send you both to the penalty box.”

“You’re not to going to call her for charging me?” Ontari demanded as number 4 grabbed her stick and skated away.

“Get to your position,” the ref warned, clearly not interested in arguing with Ontari.

“This is fucking bullshit,” Ontari said before grabbing her gloves and stick and heading back to her team. Once more, Ontari glared her opponent down before saying something to get the last word in. “Did you suck your coach’s dick to get moved up a level like you sucked the refs dick?”

Number 4 seemed just about ready to lose it as her composure dropped for a moment. The whistle blew, allowing Ontari to skate away, leaving behind the seething teenager.

With one-minute remaining in the second period, Ontari managed to steal the puck from the opposing team and rounded her net when something started to approach her quickly in her peripheral.

Before Ontari had time to react, number 4 was charging her and slamming her right into the baseboards.

Ontari folded over her left side and cried out at the intense impact.

Suddenly breathing felt nearly impossible, and dark spots swam in her vision.

Her teammates could be heard calling her name, as she fell away from the board and hit the ice.

A scream was prepared to slip past Ontari’s lips but it fell away when breathing became entirely impossible and she blacked out completely.

-----

“That stupid ref,” Lexa groaned as she watched the girls reset. Ontari seemed to linger with the ref and argue for the penalty but it clearly went nowhere.

“At least she’s keeping her cool,” Clarke said as she briefly glanced at Madi who was fast asleep in Raven’s arms.

“Is she though?” Raven asked as she watched Ontari say something to number 4 before setting her mouth guard back into place.

“She needs to stop engaging with that girl,” Lexa said, already knowing very well that Ontari said something to tick the other player off.

“Hopefully Luna pulls her for the third period,” Clarke said. There wasn’t much time left, but Clarke wasn’t sure she could handle another ten-minute period on the edge of her seat.

Just as the second period started to come to an end, Clark held her breath when Ontari stole the puck.

“Go, go, go,” Lexa chanted as Ontari started to skate quickly.

“Wait, what is she-,” Clarke started to say when she spotted number 4 charging towards her kid. Before Clarke could finish her thought, she watched as the larger player slammed Ontari into the baseboard with a bone-crushing hit. The crowd went silent as Ontari fell to the ice and briefly writhed.

“Shit,” Clarke said as she shot off her seat and hurried down the bleachers.

“Ontari!” Adria called out as she came to the Ontari’s side. “Luna! Luna, she needs help!”

Clarke continued to run towards the ice and watched as Luna hurried onto it and slid to a stop by her now unconscious player.

“Ontari. Ontari, wake up,” Luna could be heard saying. Clarke found an opening onto the ice and rushed over the slippery surface to her daughter who was hardly breathing.

“Baby, wake up,” Clarke begged as Luna made commands to the ref and other coach. The blonde reached to undo Ontari’s helmet but was stopped short by Luna who grabbed her hands.

“Don’t. We don’t know if something happened to her neck,” Luna said. She clearly wanted to keep control over the situation, but Clarke could see just how frantic she was as well.

“She can’t breathe,” Clarke realized as Ontari’s chest failed to rise and fall rhythmically.

“We need that ambulance now!” Luna barked at the other coach who grew more frantic in their attempt to get help.

“You’re going to be okay,” Clarke said as she pulled off one of Ontari’s gloves and held her hand tightly. “I’m right here.”

More parents from the stands started to help by getting the other girls off the ice and out of the way. Lexa eventually joined Clarke and her sister after having ensured that Raven was taking care of a now awake (and startled) Madi.

“The ambulance is five minutes away,” the other coach said, making Clarke nod as she continued to hold onto Ontari’s hand for dear life.

“They’re almost here,” Clarke said softly to the still unconscious teen.

A few minutes passed before Ontari seemed to come around again. She began to writhe and whimper in pain as she cracked her eyes open.

“Stay still, stay still,” Luna instructed as she held down Ontari’s left arm and leg while Lexa got her right side.

Ontari’s uneven breathing became more apparent as she began to wheeze and struggle for air.

“Cla-rke,” Ontari whimpered out as she looked at her foster mom with wet brown eyes.

“Deep breathes, sweetheart. You’re going to be fine,” Clarke promised as she gave the teen’s hand a squeeze.

“Her lips,” Lexa pointed out, drawing Clarke and Luna’s attention to the blue tint that was coming to Ontari’s lips.

“What hurts, Ontari? Tell me what hurts,” Clarke practically begged as the severity of the situation became more apparent.

Ontari could only offer a pathetic cough that made her cry out from the pain it brought her.

Before Clarke could ask again, the paramedics arrived on the ice and set their gear down next to the wheezing girl.

“What happened?” one medic asked as she took over Luna’s side and began to reach for the helmet.

“She was slammed against the boards by a larger player. She was unconscious for a couple of minutes and has been struggling to breathe,” Luna said as she helped Lexa pull Clarke back to give the medics more room to work.

“We’re going to need to cut these off,” the woman said as she finally got Ontari’s head free and noticed all of the remaining gear they had left.

“Let’s get her on the rig first,” the other medic said as he uncoiled an oxygen mask. “What’s her name?” he asked as he glanced back at a very distraught Clarke.

“Ontari,” Clarke supplied as she grabbed onto Ontari’s ankle. Anything to have a bit of contact with her kid.

“Ontari. I’m Derrick and that’s Jade. I’m going to put this on you to help you breathe better,” the man explained before setting the mask over the teen’s face.

“Cla-rke,” Ontari sobbed as she struggled against the hands of Derrick and Jade.

“I’m here, sweetheart. I’m right here,” Clarke promised as she gave the teen’s ankle a squeeze.

“Let’s move her,” Jade said as she strapped a neck brace onto Ontari and nodded for Derrick to help her with the move.

The quick motion of lifting her onto the backboard had Ontari crying out, a clear sign that some major damage was done upon impact on the board.

“Mom, are you riding with us?” Derrick asked as he gathered his bags and looked at Clarke.

“Yes,” Clarke agreed in a hurry, hardly registering that the man called her Ontari’s mother.

“We’ll meet you at the hospital,” Lexa promised her fiancé who nodded and hurried after the medics that were already carrying Ontari out.

Inside the ambulance, Jade got to work with cutting free Ontari’s equipment as Derrick started to drive in the direction of the hospital.

“What grade are you in, Ontari?” Jade asked as she cut the straps of Ontari’s shoulder pads.

Ontari sobbed due to the pain that the jostling ambulance caused her and failed to provide a response.

“I know it hurts, sweetie. We’ll have everything sorted out soon,” Jade promised as she finally cut free Ontari’s tank top and bra to reveal her torso.

Clarke snuck a glance and nearly fainted at the incredibly large bruise that spanned along the entirety of Ontari’s left side.

“That explains it,” Jade said to herself before she called out for Derrick to speed it up. “I’m going to give you something for the pain,” Jade promised as she got to work setting Ontari up with an IV line.

“Clarke,” Ontari coughed out between her sobs, her fingers twitching as Jade set the IV needle onto her left forearm.

“I’m here, baby,” Clarke promised again before looking at the teen unsurely.

“You can hold her hand,” Jade said to Clarke who sighed out and took the teen’s shaking hand. “She’s a tough kid. An injury like this leaves more adults screaming.”

Clarke knew that Jade was trying to bring her some comfort. But deep down, she knew that Ontari’s tolerance to the pain was just another side effect of being in the system. The mere thought that Ontari was hiding her pain made Clarke sick, but she had little time to dwell on it as the hand in her own squeezed back with a semblance of desperation.

“Ontari, I need you to stay awake,” Jade said, her eyes looking into Ontari’s, which were starting to fall shut again. “Clarke, come to her head and try to keep her awake,” Jade instructed as she patted the seat that was next to Ontari.

Clarke shuffled over in the moving ambulance and leaned of the crying girl.

“Keep those eyes open, baby,” Clarke whispered as she lovingly stroked Ontari’s cheek. “Just keep looking at me.”

Ontari nodded weakly and fought the heaviness of her eyes. For the briefest moment, all that could be heard in the ambulance was Ontari’s wheezing and the occasional jostle of equipment. Everything else fell away as Ontari anchored herself to the blue eyes of her foster mother.

-----

After Clarke and Ontari were rushed away in the ambulance, Lexa found herself standing frozen in the lobby for a beat.

“Lexa,” Luna said as she grabbed her sister’s arm and brought her back to reality. “You need to meet them at the hospital. I’ll bring Madi over once Adria grabs her things.”

“Her lips,” Lexa whispered, revealing her hesitation. “Costia’s were blue too.”

“Costia didn’t get the help she needed right away. This is different,” Luna eased, though she knew deep down it wasn’t that different after all.

When Costia got in her accident, the front of her car was compressed so much that her steering wheel crushed her chest. The cornier told Lexa that her wife had most likely died of suffocation as her lungs were trapped and unable to get proper air. It was when Lexa was called in to identify the body that she noticed her blue lips.

Lexa couldn’t help but think about Ontari and Costia in the same context. Both being crushed. Both struggling for air. Both having blue lips as a consequence.

“Ontari was breathing,” Luna reminded as she regained Lexa’s wandering attention. “She was struggling but she was breathing. She’ll be fine. But you need to be there for Clarke because she must be just as scared as you are about Ontari’s wellbeing right now.

“You’re right,” Lexa agreed as she quickly grounded herself to reality and patted her pockets for her phone and car key. “You’ve got Madi then?”

“We’ll be right behind you,” Luna promised, making Lexa nod gratefully before she hurried out of the club and towards the parking lot.

Doing her best not to get ticketed for her speeding, Lexa hurried to the closest hospital and arrived at least ten minutes after Clarke and Ontari did.

After parking her car in a rush, Lexa ran into the ER waiting room where she found Clarke standing by the door that was covered in entrance restrictions.

“Clarke,” Lexa said, gaining the attention of her fiancé. “Where’s Ontari?”

“They took her in for emergency surgery. Someone told me that she broke some ribs and had a collapsed lung, but that’s all I know,” Clarke said as she ran a stressed hand over her head. “She was so scared when they separated us, Lex. She was begging for me to stay with her and I couldn’t,” Clarke explained as a frightened sob bubbled to the surface.

“Shh,” Lexa said as she gently pulled Clarke into an embrace. “She’s going to be okay,” the older woman promised as she pressed a kiss to the side of Clarke’s face.

“I shouldn’t have let her play,” Clarke cried harder as she clutched to Lexa. “She would be angry but at least she wouldn’t be hurt.”

“Baby, you can’t protect her from everything. I agree, this was avoidable, but we can’t go back in time.”

“She can’t play hockey this season. And after the news of Beatrice's passing, this is only going to hurt her more,” Clarke said as she pulled back from the embrace to look around the ER.

“She’s a tough kid and she has us to help her through this. I promise, Clarke, everything will be alright.”

Clarke nodded, though she didn’t seem convinced. There was a lot to worry about at this point in time, but Clarke appreciated Lexa’s efforts to ease her mind. While she was uncertain about everything, Lexa became her grounder. She could anchor to her and use her as a reminder that things will work themselves out eventually.

-----

For the four hours that Ontari was in surgery, various family and friends stopped by the hospital to check in.

Simone arrived after receiving a call from Clarke about the accident. She followed her protocol and documented the incident before leaving the hospital with the promise to return to check in with Ontari once she was out of surgery.

Clarke, Lexa, Madi, Luna, Raven, and Adria all remained in the same place until it was 10pm and it was evident that the kids needed to be brought home.

“I want to stay,” Adria protested when Luna suggested that Raven take her back to their place.

“I know you do, but it’s been a very long day,” Luna said as she rubbed the teen’s back. “The doctors will most likely only let a couple of people see her once she’s out of surgery. I promise, we can come back when she can have visitors.”

“I just want to hear how the surgery went,” Adria continued to argue, making the coach sigh before she sat back in her seat.

“We can wait for the update,” Raven said as she squeezed Luna’s hand and offered a weak smile to Adria.

“What should we do with Madi?” Lexa asked Clarke as she continued to cradle the sleeping child in her arms. When she didn’t receive a response, Lexa glanced at her fiancé who had her eyes fixated on the doors that Ontari went through several hours ago. “Clarke?”

The blonde jumped when a hand gently touched her arm and snapped her out of her stupor.

“Sorry. What did you say?” Clarke asked as she blinked her dry eyes and looked at Lexa.

“I was asking what we should do with Madi,” Lexa said as she nodded downwards to the little girl.

“She’s sleeping,” Clarke said, despite Lexa already knowing this bit of information. “We can call-,”

Before Clarke could finish her suggestion, a young man was emerging from the doors in a set of scrubs.

“Family of Ontari Norwood,” the man said as he looked at the waiting parties.

Clarke was up in an instant and approaching the doctor with a worried expression already painted onto her face.

“How is she?” Clarke asked, making the doctor smile kindly.

“She’s doing very well,” he said, looking to the group that started to gather around him. “Due to the impact and some previous trauma to her ribs, Ontari had something called flail chest. Several ribs broke and left her chest unprotected, so we had to use plates to re-set them. As for her lung, it seemed to have collapsed due to the broken ribs so we have a tube inserted to help repair that.”

“She’s going to be okay, though?” Lexa asked as she grasped Clarke’s hand.

“Granted there are no further complications, she should be fully healed within 8 weeks. I’d like to keep her here for a few nights just to monitor her breathing, but she should be back home in no time.”

“Can we see her?” Clarke asked as she began to grow fidgety.

“I can only bring one of you back. She’s still sleeping off the anesthetic and will likely take a few more hours to come around. In the morning she can have more visitors if she’s up to it.”

“I’ll take Madi home and bring her back tomorrow,” Lexa said to her fiancé who nodded and turned to hug her goodbye. “Text me when she wakes up, okay?”

“Alright,” Clarke agreed before quickly hugging Luna, Raven, and Adria. “Thanks for waiting with us.”

“The scary part’s over,” Luna reminded kindly as she wrapped her arm around Adria who was now showing just how exhausted she was.

“If you’d like to follow me,” the doctor said as he motioned for Clarke to join him at the doors.

“Take care of her,” Lexa said to Clarke as she passed her. Clarke nodded and smiled weakly before following the doctor through the doors and letting them shut behind her.

They walked down several hallways before stopping in front of a closed door. The doctor opened it and continued inside while Clarke faltered at the threshold.

Clarke couldn’t help but pause at the sight of her kid. She looked smaller than ever on the sterile hospital bed. Her torso was wrapped in thick bandage with the tube poking out from the side.

Ontari’s breathing was still labored but only assisted by the canula’s in her nose. Clarke felt some of the pressure in her chest dissipate knowing that the girl was at least breathing on her own.

“You can sit with her,” the doctor said as he motioned to the chair next to the bed. He briefly checked her vitals before nodding in satisfaction. “When she starts to wake up you can call for a nurse.”

“Thank you,” Clarke whispered as she sat next to the sleeping girl and reached up to touch her face.

The doctor nodded before turning to leave the room to give Clarke some space.

Clarke stared at Ontari for a beat, her heart aching as she remembered the girl pleading for her to not leave her side.

“I’m here, baby,” Clarke whispered as she drew her fingers over Ontari’s worried brow. “I’m not leaving you ever again.”

-----

Ontari was groggy when she finally came around. There was a slight ringing in her ears and her vision was all blurry, but with enough concentration, she was able to recognize where she was.

The hospital was no new sight to the teen. What was new, however, was the presence of another person that wasn’t her sister.

Clarke was sat on a chair pulled up right next to her bed. Her head was rested on the side of the mattress as her hand held Ontari’s hand close to her face. She was sleeping, which made sense since it was dark out and the clock on the wall vaguely looked like it was pointing at 4:45. She was still fighting off residual dizziness and looking at the clock wasn’t helping, so Ontari glanced back to Clarke and simply observed her.

The blonde looked worried, even in her sleep. Ontari wondered if that look was there because of her. Maybe Clarke was just worried about losing Madi if Simone decided that her accident was reason to remove them from the home.

Ontari wasn’t sure why, but it hurt to think that Clarke may not care for her as much as she cares for Madi. After all the pain and suffering Ontari forced her foster mother to endure, she couldn’t blame her. But deep down, after all the trials she’d faced in her life, Ontari desired for Clarke to love her and treat her like her daughter. She wanted someone she could rely on to love her through everything. And yet, Clarke already seemed to be doing that. No matter how many times she’d screamed, hit, and hurt her foster mom, Clarke always stayed by her side. Sure, she wasn’t happy and engaged in some of her provoked arguments, but not leaving her was a sure sign that she loved her and that made Ontari feel something warm spread inside her chest.

It had been a long time since someone other than Madi showed her that they loved her.

Ontari smiled slightly and shifted a bit, but soon regretted it when a pain shot through her left side. She let out an involuntary groan and pulled her hand from Clarke’s to reach for her side.

“Ontari?” Clarke was up in an instant, fighting off her sleep as she stood up and reached for the teen. “What hurts, baby?”

“My side,” Ontari whimpered, squeezing her eyes shut and trying to pull her legs into herself.

“Shh, don’t press on your bandages, it’ll only hurt more,” Clarke explained, taking Ontari’s hands into her own so then the teen wouldn’t mess with the bandages too much.

Ontari gave in and looked into Clarke’s eyes, noting the unshed tears in her blue eyes.

“I was so worried about you,” the blonde admitted in a whisper as she continued to hold onto Ontari’s hands.

“What happened?” Ontari asked, hardly remembering anything that transpired after she got slammed into the boards.

“You were shoved against the boards pretty hard. You broke a few ribs and they caused your lung to collapse. The doctors put a tube in to help with your breathing and they put some plates in to stabilize your ribs. That’s all the stuff that’s poking out of the bandage,” Clarke explained, drawing Ontari’s line of sight down to her left side which was wrapped in the white bandage. Sure enough, from the center of her bandage came a tube that was draining the area around her lung of air and what looked to be blood.

“When can I play again?” Ontari asked as she returned her attention to Clarke.

“This is a serious injury, sweetheart. Your season is over,” Clarke said softly, making Ontari shake her head in refusal and start to cry.

“No,” Ontari cried as her breathing became choppy. “No, no, no,” the teen continued, making Clarke grow nervous.

“I’m sorry, baby. I really am. But you need to calm down,” Clarke said as she reached out to hold the sobbing teen’s face.

Ontari’s monitor began to beep relentlessly as her oxygen levels dipped. Barely a minute later, a nurse was hurrying in to find Ontari deep into her break down and Clarke doing her best to talk her through it.

“Is it the pain?” the nurse asked as she grabbed an oxygen mask to replace the nubbins that were in Ontari’s nose.

“No. I just told her about her hockey season,” Clarke managed to explain as she continued to hold Ontari’s face and lovingly stroke her cheeks before the nurse set the mask over her nose and mouth.

“Ontari, you’re going to have to calm down,” the nurse said as she briefly watched Ontari’s monitor to see if her oxygen levels improved.

“Deep breaths,” Clarke whispered to the teen as she allowed her to grasp her wrist. Once Ontari found Clarke’s pulse point she seemed to gain some control over her sobs, which allowed for her levels to return to normal and the nurse to smile contentedly.

“Good girl,” the nurse praised as she moved to grab Ontari’s chart. “Ontari’s doctor won’t be in until 7am, but if you need anything, you can press this button right here. I’m nurse Delilah,” Delilah explained as she placed the red button next to the still crying teen.

“Thank you,” Clarke said to the other woman. “We just need a few minutes to calm down,” Clarke said as she continued to look into Ontari’s wet brown eyes.

“I’ll go get her some water,” Delilah said kindly before stepping out of the room.

Clarke and Ontari remained quiet for a beat before the teen decided to speak again.

“Why do bad things keep happening to me?” Ontari croaked out as she continued to hold Clarke’s wrist.

Clarke could only shake her head unsurely. “I don’t know,” Clarke decided to say honestly as she gently rubbed Ontari’s upper chest near her collarbones. “It’s not fair, baby. Life hasn’t been fair to you at all, but for all the bad that has happened I know that the universe is due to give you a lot of good. And I intend to keep you with me long enough for that good to find you.”

“You aren’t giving me away?” Ontari asked as tears fell around her mask.

“Why would I do that?” Clarke asked as she shook her head negatively.

“Because I’m not a good person and I’ve been so horrible to you. How could you want someone like me?” Ontari asked as fresh sobs threatened to break past her lips.

“No, Ontari. No. You are a good person. You’re one of the best people I know.”

“How can I be a good person though? I told my mom I didn’t love her,” Ontari admitted with a sob, finally getting what was eating away at her insides out into the open.

“She knows that wasn’t true,” Clarke promised, though Ontari shook her head in the negative.

“No, she doesn’t. I never told her that I loved her and that I was sorry,” Ontari continued, clenching her eyes shut as regret flooded her entirely. “Why didn’t I just say I loved her?”

Clarke seemed to pause as she allowed Ontari to cry out some of her regret. After a minute, the blonde was returning to her gentle wiping of Ontari’s tears.

“I’m going to tell you something that you may not agree with,” Clarke started to say, making Ontari quiet down a bit to listen to her. “I know your mother knew that you loved her. You may think I can’t know that, but I do. I do, Ontari, because when you become a mom you know that your kid can say anything to you, but it will never come between the love you have for them. I know in your heart I may never be your mom, but you and Madi are my babies in my heart, Ontari, which means that I know that your mom knew you loved her, and she loved you. Besides, it’s impossible not to love someone as incredible as you.”

“You love me?” Ontari whimpered as tears welled in Clarke’s eyes as well.

“Of course I do,” Clarke said as a lone tear tracked down her cheek. “Ontari, there are 7 billion people in this world and then there was you. And you somehow became the most important one out of all those billions," Clarke paused a beat before finally adding, "I love you, sweetheart. And there is nothing you can do to ever change that.”

Ontari nodded her understanding despite the sobs that continued to break past her lips.

“Clarke?” the teen finally croaked out.

“Yeah, sweetheart,” Clarke said, encouraging the girl to continue.

“I hurt so much sometimes,” Ontari confessed, allowing more of her walls to come down. “I feel like everything hurts and I don’t know how to stop it.”

“I have an idea,” Clarke said softly as she kicked off her shoes and laid herself on the empty edge of Ontari’s bed. “I can’t take away all of the hurt, but I can certainly hug you long enough to make it stop for a while,” Clarke explained as she opened her arms and allowed Ontari to shuffle closer with her limited movements.

Despite the pain it caused her, Ontari nestled herself into Clarke’s side and eventually sighed out in relief when the older woman’s arm wrapped around her shoulders and held her close.

Ontari still felt like her heart was aching, but Clarke was right, the hug was enough to ease some of her pain temporarily. Worried that the feeling would stop when Clarke left her, Ontari grabbed to Clarke’s shirt like a vice and refused to let go as she nuzzled in closer to her side.

“Stay,” was all the teen could whisper as Clarke reached up to gently brush back her hair.

“Always,” Clarke promised as she pressed a loving kiss to Ontari’s forehead.

Notes:

this was a doozy. if you thought ontari couldn't catch a break now just you wait...

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 26: forever in awe

Notes:

"you're made of stardust and i am forever in awe. take away the rainbows and the bright blue clouds, you'll still be glistening in the storm. and each day of your trip around the sun, my only wish for you is that you keep shining and showing how much better the world is, my world is, with you in it" - beccanasia

For the first two days at the hospital, Ontari was showing signs of improvement. She was restricted in her movements, but her pain was becoming less and less, and the doctors were sure that she could be sent home within a week. This was good news as Simone had informed Clarke that Beatrice was having a public funeral and that the girls were invited to watch.

Ontari was determined to go, and Clarke was in full support to take her and Madi for what was likely to be a very small and quick ceremony.

On the third morning, however, Ontari awoke with a heavy cough, a fever, and vomiting. It was alarming, to say the least, but Ontari's doctor ran the necessary tests to find out what was causing these problems.

A few hours later, Dr. Jackson entered the room to find Clarke holding back the crying girl’s hair as she vomited into a paper bowl.

“So, it looks like Ontari has pneumonia,” Dr. Jackson explained, gaining Clarke’s attention briefly before she looked back to Ontari who squeezed her eyes shut in pain as a cough racked through her body.

“What can we give her then? She’s been in pain all morning,” Clarke said as she wiped the teen’s mouth with a tissue before getting up to dispose of the bowl.

“I’ll get her something for the pain and we'll get her going on some antibiotics. But pneumonia is not something to play around with, especially in her condition, so I’m going to extend her time here by another week,” Dr. Jackson said as he scratched something into Ontari's chart before handing it off to Delilah.

“No,” Ontari croaked out as she tried to sit up a bit. Clarke was quick to stop her. “Clarke, my mom’s funeral,” the teen said desperately, making the blonde sigh.

“I know, sweetheart. I’ll call Simone and see what she can do,” Clarke promised in hopes of easing the teen’s panic.

Deep down, Clarke knew that Simone had no say in when Beatrice’s funeral happened, and that Ontari was most likely going to miss it. It was worth a shot, nonetheless, in case Simone knew who to speak with to have the funeral moved to another day.

“Can you call her now?” Ontari asked as she wiped at her burning cheeks.

“I’ll call when you’re napping,” Clarke said, making the teen shake her head.

“No. Please, Clarke,” Ontari nearly begged, making the older woman sigh before she relented.

“I’ll be in the hallway,” Clarke said, pressing a kiss to Ontari’s forehead before she slipped out of the room.

Several attempts later, Clarke managed to reach Simone who clearly wasn’t pleased with the reason behind the call.

“I’m sorry, Clarke, but I can’t move mountains. The funeral has a set date and I am not the one who dictates when that is. It’s unfortunate that Ontari will miss it, but Beatrice’s grave will be there for many years so she can visit whenever she pleases.”

Clarke wanted to berate Simone for being so harsh about the whole situation. She wanted to call her out on her continued neglect of Ontari, but Simone still had all the cards. She got to determine what happened to the girls next, which meant that Clarke had to play nice until the legalities could be sorted out.

“I understand,” the blonde said through her teeth.

“If that’s all, I have a meeting-,”

Clarke hung up the phone on her end, taking slight satisfaction in cutting Simone off. While she couldn’t stop Simone from speaking poorly about Ontari, she could at least stop her from speaking entirely. And if it were to be mentioned in the future, she could always say the call dropped.

Either way, Clarke had little time to take pleasure in her choice as she realized she had to go back into the room and break the news to Ontari.

Stepping back inside, Clarke watched as Ontari wiggled in her bed in discomfort and tried to find a comfortable position.

“Do you need anything, sweetheart?” Clarke asked as she took her seat next to the bed once again.

“Can you rub my chest?” Ontari asked as she struggled to take in a long breath. Having already been asked this several times, Clarke reached out and began to rub Ontari’s upper chest in slow, soothing circles. The delicate pressure and the warmth that began to develop from the skin to skin contact allowed for the teen to breathe a bit easier.

“Is that better?” Clarke asked as she smiled softly at the teen who briefly shut her eyes and relished in the feeling.

“Yeah,” Ontari whispered before she realized what she’d sent Clarke out for. “Can Simone move the funeral?” Ontari asked, her eyes snapping open and looking at Clarke expectantly.

“I’m sorry, baby. There’s nothing Simone can do,” Clarke said softly as she continued to rub the soothing circles over Ontari’s chest.

“No,” Ontari whimpered as fresh tears sprung to her eyes. “It’s not fair.”

“I know,” Clarke cooed as she continued her gentle ministrations and allowed Ontari to cry out her sorrow.

“I just wanted to say goodbye,” Ontari cried as her chest quivered with her sobs.

“You will, honey. You’ll say goodbye once you're better.”

“It won’t be the same.”

Clarke sighed when she realized Ontari was right. There was nothing she could do that could give her the closure that the funeral would. She just hoped that the universe would cut Ontari some slack and make things a bit easier for her.

But miracles weren’t easy to come by, even if someone was overdue a few.

-----

With Clarke staying with Ontari for most of the day, Lexa had taken over with all general care related to Madi. From morning to night, with meals, homework, and the occasional emotional breakdown in between, Lexa was there for Madi.

It’d only been five days since Ontari’s accident, but Madi was practically glued to Lexa’s hip after their time spent together. But it didn’t mean that they didn’t miss the other half of their family.

“When’s mama coming home?” Madi asked as she sat on Clarke and Lexa’s bed and allowed for Lexa to braid her hair for the night.

“I’m not too sure, sweetheart. Ontari’s still pretty sick and she needs time to heal,” Lexa explained as she combed her fingers through the dark locks before continuing her braid.

“She’s not coming to mommy’s funeral?” Madi asked as she picked at the bedsheet under her.

“No. But you and I will still go together. Is that alright?” Lexa asked. A long pause settled between them as Madi seemed to mull over the idea.

“Ontari and I do everything together,” Madi finally said, making Lexa nod.

“Is it scary not having her around?” Lexa ventured, as she gently tied off the braid.

As Madi thought over the question, Lexa carefully pulled the girl back into her arms and rested against the headboard of the bed.

“It’s not scary,” Madi started to say as she pressed her back into Lexa’s chest. “But it’s weird. I don’t like being without her.”

“Does it make you upset that we won’t let you see her?” Lexa asked next as she allowed Madi to twist the engagement ring on her finger.

“No ‘cause mama said that Tari has a germ that she can spread. I just wish I could hug her.”

“Is there anything I can do to make you feel a bit better?” Lexa decided to ask, making the little girl turn over and look up at her for a beat.

“Are you going to marry my mama?” Madi asked, changing the trajectory of the conversation.

“Who told you?” Lexa playfully teased as she poked her finger against the little girl’s side, making her giggle.

“Only married people wear matching rings,” Madi explained, making Lexa laugh lightly.

“Nothing gets past you,” Lexa said fondly as she tapped Madi’s nose. “Is it okay that I marry your mama?”

“Yeah. As long as you love each other lots,” Madi said.

“I promise, my love for your mama is bigger than the whole universe,” Lexa said, making Madi’s eyes go wide. They had recently started reading a book on planets and Madi just learned how large the universe was. She knew that Lexa wasn’t playing around when she said her love of her mama was larger than that. “But I don’t just love your mama. I love you and Ontari too.”

“As big as the universe?” Madi asked, still a bit baffled by the enormity of the expression.

“As big as the universe,” Lexa affirmed, making a large smile spread onto Madi’s face.

“I need to tell you something super important,” Madi said, bringing a certain serious tone to the conversation.

“Go ahead,” Lexa prompted as Madi sat up on her lap.

“Mama told me that there all sorts of love. Like between sisters, and mommies and their kids, and best friends. You’re my best friend,” Madi explained, making Lexa smile as happy tears welled in her eyes.

“You’re my best friend too, Mads,” Lexa promised, only to make the little girl shake her head.

“No, wait,” Madi said, her train of thought not finished yet. “I loved you like a best friend but now I love you like I love my mama.”

“How big is that love?” Lexa asked, making Madi stretch her arms out wide.

“As big as the universe. But I don’t want to call you Lexa anymore if you’re more than my best friend.”

“What do you want to call me then?” Lexa asked, already aware of where this was heading.

“My mommy. I don’t want to replace my first mommy, but you can be my other mommy. Clarke said that there is all sorts of love and there is always plenty for everyone. I can love you, mama, and my mommy, can’t I?”

“Of course you can. With a heart as big as yours I’m sure there’s enough love to go around,” Lexa said as she lovingly stroked back some of the baby hair that framed Madi’s face.

“So, will you be my mommy?” Madi asked as she unsurely chewed her lip.

Lexa simply sat up and leaned forward to press a kiss to Madi’s forehead before pulling the girl into her arms for an embrace.

“Always and forever, my girl.”

-----

As the days drew nearer to Beatrice’s funeral, Ontari seemed to grow more and more irritated by the thought of not being able to attend. With her irritation came her typical bouts of anger which were almost always aimed at Clarke.

Feeling bad for avoiding the abuse and not being there to mediate it, Lexa decided to come up with the much-needed solution. Seeing as she was already going to take Madi to the service, Lexa decided that the next best thing to having Ontari there would be to face-time her in.

At first, the teen was opposed to the idea and claimed that it wouldn’t be the same. But the night before the funeral, she shifted gears and quickly decided that she wanted to at least watch the service at some proximity.

On that Sunday, the day that Ontari was originally set to be released from the hospital, the teen sat up in bed with Clarke close by as she watched the funeral of her mother through her foster mom’s laptop.

Ontari decided before the facetime call arrived that she would be strong. She wouldn’t cry over the situation more because too much emotion would make her seem weak.

But then she saw the coffin. And she knew that inside that box laid the woman that she loved with every fiber of her being.

Beatrice may not have been able to return that sentiment, but it still didn’t stop Ontari from loving her so fiercely is hurt.

Ontari kept her eyes stuck on the screen in fear of looking at Clarke. She didn’t want to look at the blonde since she made it feel so safe to fall apart. She didn’t want that comfort yet.

A priest held the service. His speaking was too wobbly due to age for Ontari to actually understand, but she knew that his closing of the bible and his nod to the funeral directors was the sign that this was it.

This would be the last time she would see where her mother laid. It scared Ontari. The thought of never being near her again. The thought of having six feet of earth between them the next time they crossed paths.

The coffin was lowered slowly.

And the further and further down it went the more obvious Ontari’s crying became.

The teen sobbed and reached to the screen where she allowed her fingers to touch along the edge of the grave line. It was almost like a silent plea for Beatrice to come back.

“They’re going to fill the grave now, Ontari. Do you want to watch?” Lexa asked as the image remained steady on the grave.

Ontari couldn’t supply a verbal response. But she knew it would be too painful to watch the ground cover her mother, so with a quick motion, Ontari shut the laptop and shoved it aside. Just then, guttural cries escaped her lips as the full weight of everything settled in her heart.

Clarke, still silent and allowing Ontari to just feel, got off her seat and stepped closer to the bed where she gently sat next to the crying girl.

She may not be enough for the girl right now, but the comfort of another human was certainly welcomed and Ontari seemed to gravitate towards her.

Wordlessly, Ontari curled against her foster mom and gripped to her shirt in desperation as she cried into her chest.

Clarke thought her grip was an attempt to quell her shaking.

Ontari knew it was because she didn’t want to lose Clarke too.

-----

Despite Clarke insisting on staying at the hospital with Ontari nearly 24/7, there were times when she had to go back home to check in on Lexa and Madi and take some time to herself to re-coup before heading back.

With Ontari’s pneumonia, and constant need to sleep in order to heal, Clarke found a four-hour pocket in the day that she was able to sneak back home. Ontari always knocked out after lunch as she was given a round of pain medication, so Clarke took that time to head home, shower, eat food that wasn’t from a cafeteria, and of course, enjoy some cuddles with her other girls.

Lexa welcomed Clarke into the house with open arms and an offer to help her shower before getting her something to eat.

Clarke, who knew she needed to get cleaned off before she could properly see Madi, agreed to the assistance of her fiancé in the shower as she was running low on energy today and couldn’t see herself staying awake under the warm shower stream.

“Who’s kidnapped our kid today?” Clarke asked as Lexa helped her undress before moving onto herself.

Lexa laughed at the question as she shimmied out of her jeans.

“Her Gaia insisted on taking her to the park after lunch,” Lexa answered, making the blonde smile fondly. “She promised to bring her back as soon as I text her that you’re finished in the shower.”

“Your sisters are wonderful,” Clarke said as she stepped into the shower with Lexa. Without hesitation, Clarke leaned into Lexa and allowed the brunette to hold her as they stood under the stream of water.

“How was she last night?” Lexa asked, deciding to change the conversation to Ontari.

“She couldn’t sleep. She went between watching movies and crying over her mom. Thankfully, her latest dose of pain meds finally knocked her out.”

“I can watch her tonight if you want to get some real rest,” Lexa offered, but Clarke quickly shook her head in its place against her neck.

“I really appreciate it, Lex, but I’m hoping that my sticking around this whole time will show her that I care. I can sacrifice my sleep to show her I love her.”

“Okay. But don’t forget to take care of yourself too,” Lexa gently reminded as she ran her fingers up and down Clarke’s back soothingly.

“It’s only for a few more days,” Clarke hummed, trying her best to reassure Lexa that she would be fine.

“I can’t wait to have you back in bed with me,” Lexa said, making Clarke laugh softly.

“What, my cold feet are better than Madi’s kicking?” Clarke asked, making her fiancé laugh as well.

“At least you’re gentle. Madi’s tiny but she has a wicked power behind her kick,” Lexa said before gently pressing Clarke back to show off her hip. “Look at this bruise.”

“Ontari and I theorized that she dreams she’s a ninja.”

“Try a kangaroo. I swear, she deliberately pulls her leg back before kicking as hard as humanly possible.”

Clarke continued to giggle before she became somber and frowned slightly. “I miss her,” Clarke revealed with a pout, making Lexa chuckle before she kissed the pout away.

“Well then, we better hurry up in here so then Gaia can bring her back home.”

Clarke didn’t need to be told twice. With everything that’s happened the last few days, all Clarke really craved was a good cuddle from Madi. And she intended to get one before heading back to the hospital.

-----

After ten days in the hospital, Ontari recovered from her pneumonia, and the chest tube was finally removed. After several tests to check on her breathing, Dr. Jackson deemed her well enough to head home with strict orders to limit her movement for another six weeks and to refrain from playing hockey for a few months.

The night before she was discharged, Ontari stayed awake and stared at the ceiling as she allowed her worrying thoughts to take over.

Clarke, having stayed up to see if her kid would ever go to sleep, decided to step in after nearly two hours of Ontari just staring into space.

“What’re you thinking about?” Clarke asked softly as she sat on the edge of Ontari’s bed and allowed herself to lay back alongside the girl.

“Nothing,” Ontari whispered, her eyes still stuck on the ceiling.

“For that long, huh?”

“I can’t tie my own shoelaces,” Ontari said bluntly, leaving Clarke all the more confused.

“I’ve seen you tie them before,” Clarke said, making Ontari shake her head.

“No, I physically can’t tie my own shoelaces right now. And I can’t raise my arms over my head. I can’t wash my own hair; I can’t put on my own clothes. I can’t tie my shoelaces and I’ve been trying to figure out how I’m going to do all of this stuff when we go home.”

Clarke couldn’t help the small smile she slipped when Ontari called it her home. It was endearing to say the least.

Her smile quickly faded, however, when she realized that Ontari had some very valid concerns to mull over. She was quite possibly the most independent teen out there, yet her injury still had several more weeks of healing to do and her movement was incredibly limited.

“If you’ll let us, Lexa and I will be happy to help you with those things. Plus, Madi just learned how to tie her own laces, so I’m sure she’ll be happy to step up that area.”

It was Ontari’s turn to give a small smile before she became serious again.

“I don’t like feeling useless,” Ontari revealed, making Clarke sigh before she turned onto her side to look at the teen a bit better.

“I know. No one likes to feel that way. But this is a chance for others to care for you for a change. You deserve a break, Ontari. This isn’t ideal, but you can trust us to support you.”

“I want to believe you but it’s hard,” Ontari admitted as she glanced at Clarke with unshed tears in her eyes. “I’m just so scared that you’re going to turn on me like everyone else in my life has.”

Clarke wordlessly grabbed Ontari’s hand and gave it a comforting squeeze.

“It’ll take time for you to learn to trust again. We’ll take it slowly, okay?” Clarke asked making the teen nod before she moved to speak. Ontari stopped before she could say anything, though. “What else is bugging you, sweetheart?”

“I just,” Ontari started again, seeming very unsure. Another hand squeeze prompted her to continue. “Can you hold me until I fall asleep?”

Ontari, the head-strong, fierce, independent teen that made the earth shake with her strength, was reduced to a mere child before Clarke. The child that was beat-down, broken, and forced to build her stronger façade was breaking through and asking for the simplest form of comfort: to be held.

And despite Clarke previously fretting that she lost so much time with the girls, lost the milestones and the chance to watch them grow, she was now face to face
with what she could only imagine Ontari was like before the foster system.

Her sweet brown eyes pleading for a comfort only a mother could provide, and she was asking Clarke to fulfill that for her.

“Come here,” Clarke whispered as she released Ontari’s hand and gently shifted so then her arm was wrapped around the teen’s shoulders.

Ontari nuzzled into her embrace and released a content sigh when Clarke pressed a loving kiss to her forehead.

“I love you, Clarke,” Ontari whispered, making Clarke’s heart clench as a rush of emotion ran through it.

“I love you too, Ontari,” Clarke replied as she nuzzled her nose against the teen’s head before adding, “with all my heart.”

Notes:

okay, so maybe i'm finally done picking on ontari. maybe.

as always, thank you for the comments and kind words. i'm so happy with the success of this story, and that couldn't have been done without you all.

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 27: flower in the desert

Notes:

like a flower in the desert
i had to grow
in the cruelest weather,
holding on to every drop of rain
just to stay alive.
but it's not enough to survive,
i want to bloom
beneath the blazing sun,
and show you all of the colours
that live inside of me,
i want you to see
what i can become.

-christy ann martine

“Tari’s coming home! Tari’s coming home,” Madi sing-songed as she skipped around the middle floor of the townhouse, which Lexa was attempting to decorate for the Ontari’s homecoming.

Despite the doctor orders for Ontari to rest, Lexa thought it would be nice to bring the family together to welcome the girl home and show her that she was truly wanted there.

Lexa knew that the loss of Beatrice would cause her to fear her place in the family, but by bringing people together just for Ontari she hoped she could disprove that thought before the girl could latch onto it.

“Throw this around to make it look festive,” Raven said to Madi as she handed a bag of streamers to the very energetic child.

“Really, Raven? Streamers?” Lexa asked as she watched Madi giddily toss the colourful tissue paper about. She couldn’t help but cringe at the mess that would have to be cleaned up later.

“Relax, mommy bear, she’s having fun,” Raven teased before returning to her task of writing out a welcome home sign. “Adria would be much better at this,” Raven mentioned as she scrutinized her own calligraphy.

“How’s life with a teenager?” Lexa asked. Adria had been living with Luna and Raven for close to three months now, and by the sounds of it, there was no change in Adria’s mother, which meant she was becoming a more permanent fixture in the family.

“She’s getting more comfortable,” Raven revealed. “And Luna convinced Adria’s mom to let them get the rest of her things so they’re doing that right now.”

“She’s really gone and thrown her kid out, hasn’t she?” Lexa asked, making Raven sigh and nod her agreement.

“I guess it’s fitting that we took her into this big family. It’s like we’re a big group of rejects,” Raven said with a small laugh, making Lexa roll her eyes playfully.

“That’s the less preferable way to put it,” Lexa agreed as she nodded her head. “Y’know, I never actually learned why you moved in with the Griffins,” Lexa said after she mulled the thought over for a beat.

“Clarke never told you?” Raven asked, making Lexa shake her head.

“I know you guys were friend’s in elementary school. Clarke said that you fully moved in with her family when you were sixteen, but she never told me why.”

“She’s always been good at letting people tell their own stories.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Lexa said, suddenly realizing it may have been a sore subject.

“No, no. It’s no secret. My mom was a drug addict. She was pretty good at hiding her problem but by the time I got to highschool she really fell off the deep end. I practically lived with the Griffins by then, but when my mom started getting violent Jake and Abby insisted that I move in permanently.”

“That was nice of them to take you in,” Lexa said, making Raven nod her agreement. “They clearly rubbed off on you since you are returning the sentiment to another kid in need.”

“That was all Luna,” Raven waved off, making Lexa laugh. “Alright, Woods. I told you about my messy childhood backstory. Your turn to spill.”

“What, Luna didn’t tell you?” Lexa asked as she cocked an eyebrow of suspicion.

“She never mentioned how you guys ended up in the foster system.”

“Our mom was an alcoholic,” Lexa said as she grabbed Clarke’s binder of recipes to find the rocky road cookie recipe that Ontari loves so much. “Luna was only six when CPS took us so I don’t think she ever really grasped how bad it was. That’s probably why she never mentioned it.”

“Do you know if she’s still alive?”

“No clue,” Lexa said as she shrugged. “I like to believe that she’s doing better, though. That she turned her life around and started over.”

“I wish the opposite for my mom. I hope life is as cruel to her as she was to me,” Raven said truthfully.

“That’s fair. I only spent eight years with an addict. You had to spend 16 years with one.”

“At least we both got out,” Raven said before glancing at Madi who was tying streamers to her toy gorilla. “Those poor girls have been jerked around more than any kid deserves. At least now they can get some peace.”

“I hope so,” Lexa agreed as she smiled fondly at Madi before returning to making Ontari’s favourite cookies.

-----

“How does it feel to be free of all those wires?” Clarke asked Ontari as Delilah unhooked her final heart rate monitor and pulled the adhesive bit off her chest.

“Good,” Ontari sighed out as she carefully sat up. Clarke and Delilah helped her get her feet off the bed so she could properly stand up for the first time without a bunch of cables and lines following her.

“Do you want to take a walk down the hall while we wait for Lexa to get us?” Clarke offered as she glanced at her phone to double-check her fiancé’s location.

“A short one couldn’t hurt,” Ontari shrugged as she allowed Clarke to support her on her right and start to lead her to the door.

Ontari was wobbly on her feet and rested heavily against her foster mom, but she was moving at her fastest pace yet, which was a great sign of improvement.

“Are you happy to finally sleep in your bed again?” Clarke asked in an attempt to make small talk and keep Ontari’s mind off of the pain that was most likely occurring on her left side.

“I’ve come to really like my mattress at home. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it,” Ontari said with a small laugh. “I also miss Madi’s snoring. It’s quieter than yours,” Ontari teased, making Clarke balk at her.

“Excuse me, missy,” Clarke replied, already making the teen giggle at her own joke. “I do not snore. You, however, sound like a monster truck rally.”

“Hey, I’ve got a collapsed lung. What’s your excuse?” Ontari wittily shot back, making herself and Clarke laugh.

“Well, isn’t this a pleasant surprise?”

Clarke turned her head around quickly to see Lexa standing at the other end of the hallway, near Ontari’s room.

“Looks like your chauffeur is here,” Clarke said to Ontari before she helped her turn around so they could start to approach Lexa.

“You’re looking amazing, kid,” Lexa praised as Ontari slowly approached, still using Clarke as her clutch.

“Truthfully, I still feel like shit. But I’m happy to know that I don’t look it,” Ontari said as they finally arrived in front of the brunette.

Without even having to ask, Ontari released Clarke and moved to hug Lexa who happily returned the embrace as gently as possible.

“We missed you at home,” Lexa said as she lovingly stroked Ontari’s hair and pressed a kiss to the side of her head.

“I missed you guys too. I’m sorry the doctor didn’t let me have visitors,” Ontari said before she pulled back and allowed Lexa to support her.

“Your healing was priority. You don’t have to apologize for that,” Lexa dismissed before glancing into the room to find Clarke grabbing all of their things while Delilah pushed a wheelchair towards her and Ontari. “It looks like you’re getting a free ride to the car,” Lexa mentioned just as Delilah exited the room and locked the wheelchair beside the teen.

“I don’t need it,” Ontari dismissed, though her labored breathing begged to differ.

While she was getting stronger, Ontari certainly couldn’t withstand prolonged periods of movements or standing. It was to be expected with the broken ribs and lung damage, but Ontari still found it incredibly frustrating.

“Truthfully, there wasn’t a lot of parking, so I had to park pretty far from the entrance,” Lexa began to say, hoping to make the teen feel a bit better about accepting the help. “I would love to help you walk there, but I think you’ll feel a lot better if I push you there instead.”

For a beat, Clarke, Lexa, and Delilah patiently waited for Ontari to come to her own conclusion and either accept or decline the offered assistance.

Eventually, Ontari nodded and allowed Lexa to help her slowly sit on the wheelchair.

“I promise, I will only go fast on the ramps,” Lexa said as she took over Delilah’s place and unlocked the wheels.

“Lexa,” Clarke warned before turning to Delilah. “Thank you for taking such good care of Ontari,” Clarke said to the nurse who nodded her appreciation of the gratitude.

“She was a great patient,” Delilah replied as she kindly squeezed Ontari’s shoulder and smiled at the bashful teen. “Remember to rest, take your pain medication if you need it, and to listen to your moms.”

Clarke and Lexa both froze at the way that Delilah addressed them to Ontari. They fully expected Ontari to react, to reject them as her moms and show her distaste for the titles.

“I will,” Ontari said to Delilah, seemingly opting not to react at all to what Delilah said.

Simultaneously, Clarke and Lexa released tense breaths and decided to get a move on before anything could escalate.

“Let’s get you home then,” Lexa spoke up as she began to push the wheelchair. “There was a gnarly ramp leading down to the parking lot that I just have to run down.”

“It looks like we’ll be back here sooner than I’d like,” Clarke said to Delilah in passing before she hurried after her fiancé and kid.

-----

Clarke, Lexa, and Ontari pulled up to the townhome before 6 o’clock. Lexa managed to keep her lips sealed about the surprise get-together, but it was clear that Clarke was picking up on what was happening as she recognized the various cars of their friends that were parked around the neighbourhood.

“Don’t,” Lexa whispered when it looked like Clarke was going to ask about it. The blonde smirked but complied, nonetheless.

Together, Clarke and Lexa helped Ontari out of the car. The teen used Clarke for support as they walked up to the front door.

“You alright?” Clarke asked as she noted the small wheeze escaping Ontari every so often.

“I just need a minute,” Ontari dismissed as she tried to re-catch her breath. “I haven’t done the stairs in a while.”

“Take your time,” Lexa said as she opened the front door. Not a sound came from the middle floor where everyone was patiently waiting.

“Okay,” Ontari said when she re-couped and was ready for the next flight.

Once more, Clarke assisted Ontari up the stairs at a painstakingly slow pace. Once they arrived at the top, the sound of excited cheers and greetings gained Ontari’s attention and had her quietly gasping at the sight of the gathered group.

“Tari!” Madi squealed with glee as she left Hope’s side and hurried towards her sister.

“Remember what we said about being gentle,” Lexa said as she blocked Ontari slightly from the running child.

“I remember,” Madi promised before she slowed down and very delicately wrapped her arms around Ontari. “I missed you,” Madi said, gaining Ontari’s attention for a brief moment.

“I missed you too,” Ontari promised, though she was quick to look back at the group in shock again. “What’s everyone…,” Ontari began to ask, though she faltered with uncertainty.

“They’re here for you, baby,” Clarke said in encouragement, making Ontari’s shock fall away. Everyone seemed to pause for her reaction, though no one was prepared for the tears that began to fall down her cheeks quickly.

“Sweetheart,” Lexa said sympathetically as she reached up to dry the teen’s tears. “I didn’t mean to make you sad. Everyone just wanted to celebrate your coming home.”

“I’m not sad,” Ontari said as she continued to cry.

Luna stepped forward from the group and approached the girl. Gently, the coach wrapped her player in a hug before pulling back and pressing their foreheads together.

“I know it’s overwhelming when you finally see how many people care for you. We’re just all so very happy that you’re okay.”

Ontari, who sniveled back her tears and nodded her agreement, re-wrapped her coach in an embrace before returning her attention to the still awaiting group.

“Thank you for caring,” Ontari said to everyone, making them all wave off the thanks.

“That’s what family is for, baby girl,” Indra spoke up, making the others agree. “Now, I’ve got a feeling that you’d appreciate a warm plate of food that isn’t from a hospital.”

Ontari laughed and nodded her agreement before allowing Indra to approach and take over Clarke’s place at her side.

“Let’s get to eating then,” Indra said, allowing for the group to disperse around the kitchen as she led the teen to the table to get her situated.

Clarke and Lexa stood together for a moment as they watched their family all dote on Ontari the way she truly deserved. It was incredible to see her being so receptive to the help and the physical affection that everyone was trying to get in on.

“You made our girl cry tears of joy for the first time,” Clarke said as she stepped behind Lexa and wrapped her arms around her waist.

“She’s accepting this situation. She’s accepting all of us,” Lexa said as she leaned back into Clarke’s embrace and closed her eyes at the feeling of delicate kisses landing on her neck.

“It feels good having everyone back together again,” Clarke said as she smiled fondly at the sight of Ontari and Adria catching up.

Lexa nodded her agreement. “It really does.”

-----

As nice as it was to have everyone together, Ontari noticed her energy was slipping away quickly and her pain was rising as she’d been sitting up for well over an hour at the dinner table.

Not wanting to ruin the festivities, Ontari decided to find some comfort in Clarke who had taken a seat on the couch to talk to Luna, Raven, and Octavia.

At the sight of Ontari approaching, the group’s conversation fell short and Clarke turned her full attention to the slightly paled teen.

“Are you feeling okay?” Clarke asked as she took Ontari’s hand and guided the teen to sit next to her. In the most motherly fashion possible, Clarke placed her hands on Ontari’s forehead, cheeks, and neck in order to feel for a fever.

“Just tired,” Ontari lied as she tried to breathe through her pain. “Can I sit with you for a bit?” Ontari asked, making the blonde nod instantly.

“Of course, sweetheart,” Clarke said, prompting the teen to turn and lean back so then she was rested against Clarke’s front.

Ontari shuffled a bit before sighing out in relief at the reduced pressure against her ribs. Clarke held the teen who relaxed against her and smiled softly at how comfortable Ontari was to seek out this sort of contact from her.

“Sorry for interrupting. You can go back to your conversation,” Ontari said to the other women who waved off her apology.

“It wasn’t anything serious,” Luna dismissed, though it was clear her player could see through her lie.

“Then why’d you all go quiet?” Ontari asked, turning her head slightly to look up at Clarke.

“I was just asking Luna about the girl who did this to you,” Clarke explained before waiting a beat to gauge Ontari’s reaction.

“Well,” Ontari said, looking back to her coach. “What’s happening with her then?”

“She’s got a three-game suspension,” Luna sighed, making Raven scoff.

“Three games? She deliberately injured our Ontari,” Octavia argued, seeming to grow defensive over the teen.

“Well, she’s claiming it was an accident,” Luna explained, earning uniform eye-rolls from the three older women.

“Some accident,” Raven spoke up. “Ontari’s out for god knows how long and that little shit can play again in a month?”

“I’m trying to get her punishment increased. She’s not a safe player to have on the ice.”

“I provoked her,” Ontari said, making the adults look at her. “I can’t remember what I said, but it must’ve been shitty enough to warrant this.”

“You didn’t deserve to be folded in half like that, kid,” Luna said in disagreement. “Besides, there is nothing stopping her from trying shit like that again the next time you have a game together.”

“That could be months from now,” Ontari sighed. “Please don’t try to get her kicked off her team. I know what it’s like to be angry. I was angry too that day. But hockey might be her escape like it is for me, and she doesn’t deserve to have that taken away.”

“That’s incredibly kind of you to think like that,” Clarke said as she comfortingly rubbed Ontari’s arm. “But the same way that Luna watches your anger on the ice, someone needs to watch that other girl’s, otherwise people get hurt.”

“So, tell her coach to be more careful,” Ontari said to Luna who paused to consider it.

“I’ll give her one more chance to play against my girls,” Luna finally relented, but she was quick to follow up with, “if she loses control like that again, though, I’m having her removed. My team’s safety comes first.”

“Thank you, Luna,” Ontari said.

She felt good about taking the high road and not letting her emotions dictate her reaction. Before, she would get angry about how unfair it was that the other girl got off with an easy punishment. She would be like her mother and feel like the world was out to get her. But Ontari was hit with the striking reality that not everyone had it easy. People struggled just like she did, and while others rarely cut her any slake, she could do her part and try to cut others some slake instead.

It was easier to forgive than Ontari ever realized before.

-----

Closer to 8pm, people began to head home and slowly the gathering dwindled down to the core family members.

Octavia and Clarke continued to chat as Luna, Raven, and Adria said their goodbyes to the others.

“You've gotten protective over her,” Clarke said when she realized that Ontari was fast asleep against her.

“Hmm?” Octavia hummed her confusion as she glanced at Lincoln who was carrying a sleeping Hope while talking to his sister.

“Ontari. When you heard about the other player's punishment you got angry and said ‘our Ontari’.”

“Well, that’s my niece. And nobody fucks with my niece,” Octavia explained, making Clarke laugh softly. “No, but really, I love her, and I still think it isn’t fair that she’s lost so much while the other kid gets off easy.”

“Thank you for accepting her,” Clarke said as she reached out to grasp her best friend’s hand.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to at the beginning.”

“Hey, O. This one needs to get to bed,” Lincoln said as he pointed to the little girl that was drooling on his shoulder.

“Daddy’s calling,” Octavia said before she moved to kiss her friend’s cheek.

“Eww,” Clarke said at Octavia’s choice of words.

“What? Hope is practically our child,” Octavia said past a giggle.

“Let’s stick to Uncle Linc, yeah?” Clarke asked. Octavia merely waved her off before approaching her boyfriend and niece.

Clarke smiled fondly at the small family of three before deciding that it was a good idea to get her own kid up to bed as well.

“Hey, sweetheart. Let’s get your side cleaned up,” Clarke whispered as she gently ran her fingers through Ontari’s hair.

Cringing as she stirred, Ontari seemed to be met by her growing pain, but she did her best to mask it. A groan slipped past her lips despite her best efforts.

“We can get you those pain meds too,” Clarke said as she helped Ontari to her feet.

“Is everyone gone?” Ontari asked sleepily as she was led up the stairs.

“Almost everyone. Linc and Octavia were just making their way out.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye,” Ontari mumbled, but Clarke was quick to shush her.

“Don’t apologize. Everyone knows you’re injured and that sleeping helps. Besides, we’ll see them again soon enough.”

Clarke sat Ontari on the closed toilet seat and moved to grab the first-aid kit under the sink as well as her pain medicine. Wordlessly, the blonde got to work with replacing the bandage over Ontari’s incision site while the teen took the pill that Clarke handed to her. The stitches still had a few more days to dissolve, but they were snagging onto Ontari’s clothes and making her hurt more so the doctor said it was okay to keep them covered.

Clarke came face to face with Ontari’s left side for the first time. She’d yet to see the incision site, let alone the jagged scar that ran alongside it.

“How did this scar happen?” Clarke asked as she began to peel away the old bandage.

“Mark’s wife,” Ontari mumbled as she seemed to wake up a bit more. All that effort to keep the scar hidden was for nothing. Clarke was looking right at it, but to Ontari’s surprise, the blonde seemed saddened by the sight.

“I’m guessing you weren’t taken to the hospital?” Clarke asked when she realized that the jaggedness and overall size proved there was no proper care.

“Nia didn’t want to risk it.”

“And Simone never noticed?”

“Simone never checked on us when we were there,” Ontari said, making Clarke furrow her eyebrows.

Simone was becoming more and more suspicious as time went on. Clarke decided to save that tidbit of information for another day.

“You and Lexa have the same rings,” Ontari said, changing the subject. Clarke snapped out of her own thoughts and started to open the disinfectant wipe. “Are you getting married?” Ontari asked, gaining Clarke’s full attention.

“How did you-?” Clarke faltered when she noticed Ontari looking at her ring. Clarke started wiping Ontari’s incision while she answered her previous question. “We are. The engagement was pretty recent.”

“When did she ask?”

“A month ago. We were going to tell you and Madi together but then-,”

“Don’t wait,” Ontari said, cutting Clarke off.

“What?” Clarke asked in confusion as she stopped her cleaning of Ontari’s side.

“People wait for years to have their weddings. You shouldn’t wait, though. It’s not worth the risk of losing that opportunity forever.”

“Why would we lose it?” Clarke pressed, still a bit confused by Ontari’s sudden sullenness.

“I was waiting to see my mom again to apologize and tell her I love her. It was just a month, you know? I shouldn’t have waited, though,” Ontari explained, cueing Clarke in on where her fear of losing time stemmed from.

“Lex and I want to get married in November,” Clarke revealed, deciding not to touch on what Ontari said. It was a sensitive subject that the teen still got defensive over. It was better to let her feel her regret instead of trying to convince her otherwise.

“That’s good,” Ontari said, offering a weak smile.

“I agree with you. I don’t like waiting for things either,” Clarke explained, making Ontari meet her eyes briefly. “My dad and I always delayed things. He was a busy guy, and as hard as we tried to make plans on the weekend or something, we always had to postpone. The year he died we were supposed to go to Amsterdam. He got called to a conference in New York that same week, though, so we had to postpone the trip. I remember I was so pissed because I wanted to go on vacation with him, but he put work before the family again. I didn’t hug him goodbye when he left for his conference.”

“What hap… how did it…?” Ontari asked unsurely.

“He had a heart attack two days after he left,” Clarke answered, allowing a brief wave of sadness to rush through her. “I love my dad with all my heart, but his greatest flaw was letting important moments slip away. That’s why, after he passed, I swore to never delay important things. It’s not worth the risk.”

“I didn’t know that was how it happened… I’m sorry you lost him without saying goodbye,” Ontari said, making Clarke smile and squeeze her hand.

“I’m also sorry you lost your mom without saying what you wanted. I know how it feels, baby. I know how it hurts.”

“Does it ever go away?” Ontari asked as a tear tumbled down her cheek. “Because I’m trying to be strong but it’s like I have a gaping hole in my chest that I can’t close.”

Wordlessly, Clarke reached up to brush away the lone tear that tracked down her kid’s cheek.

“It takes time, but that hole doesn’t stay open forever. With time beautiful things, beautiful people, they fill that space. And every time you think about the person you lost, you’ll think about the people that helped you heal too. That’ll make it hurt less.”

Ontari nodded and sniffled back her tears. After wiping under her eyes, Ontari cleared her throat and returned to their prior conversation. “So, a November wedding?”

Clarke released a soft laugh as she wiped her own tears. Clearly, Ontari also learned that distractions helped to heal a broken heart.

“Mm-hmm,” Clarke hummed, returning her attention to Ontari’s small incision site which she dabbed with anti-septic cream. “I could use an assistant wedding planner.”

“I don’t want to get in the way,” Ontari dismissed, but Clarke was quick to shake her head.

“I want your help. Besides, you’ve got that artistic eye like me, which means I can trust you,” Clarke said as she grabbed a bandage.

“You’ve never seen my art,” Ontari said, making Clarke smirk.

“I don’t have to. I know you’re talented.”

Ontari blushed at the comment as Clarke patted down the edges of the new bandage and stood up.

“You don’t have to, but I would love to see a sketch of yours someday,” Clarke mentioned as she began to clean up the space.

“Someday,” Ontari decided to say, making the blonde smile contently. As Clarke set aside the first-aid kit, Ontari yawned and slumped against the back of the toilet as the pain meds kicked in.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Clarke said before looping Ontari’s arm over her shoulder and helping her to her feet.

Slowly, Clarke eased the teen to her room. By the looks of it, Lexa had already come through to set up a few things.

Ontari’s bedspread was pulled back, and her pillows were arranged the way the teen preferred. On the nightstand sat a glass of water as well two regular Tylenols for any late-night pain. Most important of all, Ontari’s phone and earbuds were set on her pillow.

“Well, aren’t you getting the royal treatment,” Clarke said playfully as she helped Ontari into bed.

“I missed my bed,” Ontari revealed as she sank into her pillows and shut her eyes contentedly.

Clarke smiled and began to tuck the teen in before getting her music sorted out.

“Looks like Lexa put a new playlist on here for you,” Clarke mentioned as she set an earbud into Ontari’s ear and hit shuffle on the device.

“Thank you for taking care of me,” Ontari mumbled as she began to drift off to sleep.

“That’s my job,” Clarke said as she pressed a kiss to the teen’s forehead. “I love you, sweet girl.”

“Love you too,” Ontari said before seeming to conk out entirely. Clarke pressed a final kiss onto her forehead before setting the other earbud into her ear, shutting off the bedside lamp, and moving to leave the room.

Clarke paused at the doorway and listened to Ontari’s breathing. She was grateful to have the teen safe and sound at home once again.

Notes:

i'm sorry for missing the update yesterday. truthfully, i'm wrapping up the story on my end and trying to get the last new chapters out before i put them on here for continuity's sake. in other words, i sometimes change my mind as i write and like to go back to fix things in prior chapters.

that being said, we are getting closer to the end of this story which is incredibly heart-breaking but incredibly exciting for me.

if you'd all like, i'm thinking about writing a new story and will hopefully start putting new chapters on here two weeks after i wrap up this story.

thank you all for sticking around for 27 chapters. we've still got a few more to go.

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 28: she remembered how to fly

Notes:

she couldn't feel her wings
but knew they were there
so she built a ladder
that led to the sky
and when she touched the clouds
she remembered how to fly.

-atticus

The next morning, as Ontari sat at the kitchen table and slowly ate the bowl of oatmeal that Lexa prepared for her, the teen decided to ask a question that she hadn’t felt brave enough to ask yet.

“Clarke, Lexa,” the teen spoke up, making Lexa look up from her coffee, and Clarke glance over from her place at the sink.

“Yeah, sweetheart?” Lexa asked before offering an encouraging smile.

“Actually, never mind,” Ontari quickly said, shaking her head when she realized it would be silly to ask.

Clarke and Lexa glanced at each other before Clarke shut off the tap and approached the table.

“You can ask us anything, Ontari. We don’t mind,” Clarke promised as she dried her hands off with the kitchen towel.

“I don’t want to be a bother,” Ontari disregarded as she pushed her oatmeal around with her spoon.

“You’re not a bother,” Lexa reminded. “Besides, we are here to help you.”

“Can we,” Ontari began to say as she looked between both women. She wasn’t sure why she felt guilty asking her next question, but she did. “Can we go visit my mom’s grave?”

Once more, Clarke and Lexa shared a look before Clarke crouched down by Ontari’s seat and took her hand.

“Of course we can, baby. Why did you think we’d be bothered by that?” Clarke asked as she smoothed her thumb over Ontari’s knuckles.

Ontari could only offer a shrug in response as she looked down at Clarke’s hand holding her own.

“We’ll go after you finish eating breakfast,” Lexa said, hoping to give the girl some incentive to finish her food. Ontari’s lack of appetite the last few weeks was clearly doing a number on her weight, and Lexa knew that skipping meals wasn’t going to help her with preventing more weight loss.

Nodding her agreement, Ontari spooned some oatmeal into her mouth while Clarke returned to the dishes and Lexa stood up to help her with the rest.

At the sink, Lexa briefly glanced at Ontari before speaking to Clarke in a hushed tone.

“We need to be careful today. Seeing her mom’s grave might push her over the edge.”

“We’ll take it slowly,” Clarke promised as she offered a weak smile to her fiancé.

“Should we still talk to the girls about the wedding tonight?” Lexa asked, her gaze returning to Ontari briefly to make sure the girl still couldn’t hear them.

“Only if they’re doing alright after the visit.”

Lexa nodded her agreement and started to dry the wet dishes. Neither women would admit it, but they were both filled with dread at what emotions would be brewed within Ontari when she finally saw her mother’s final resting place.

-----

When they arrived at the graveyard, the mood in the car seemed to shift drastically.

Madi, who was talking a mile a minute before, grew sullen as she looked out the window and saw the hedge stones. Her moms had told her where they were going, but it really only sank in when she saw it with her own two eyes.

Ontari, who was already quiet on the ride over, took on a more gloomy energy when she also realized where they’d finally arrived.

“I don’t want to go,” Madi said as she squirmed in her car seat.

Clarke glanced at Lexa who pulled the keys from the ignition. A subtle nod of Lexa’s head was enough for Clarke to understand that they would have to go through with their plan B. Already expecting Madi to react this way, Clarke and Lexa made the backup plan that Lexa would take Madi down the road to some little shops while Clarke took Ontari to the grave.

Clarke turned in her seat and looked at a still antsy Madi and a very concerned looking Ontari.

“What if I take your sister to the spot and mommy takes you somewhere else?” Clarke offered the little girl who instantly settled in her seat and nodded her agreement.

“We don’t have to go,” Ontari started to offer, though it was clear she didn’t want to leave the cemetery without seeing her mom first.

“No, sweetheart, we promised to take you. It’ll just be Clarke, though. Is that okay?” Lexa asked, also turning in her seat to look at the teen who nodded. Lexa turned her attention to her fiancé to make sure they were on the same page. “Alrighty, so you two take your time here and text me whenever you need me to pick you up.”

“Mh-hmm,” Clarke hummed her agreement as she grabbed her bag and started to open her door. “Maybe find something sweet to eat.”

“You hear that, monkey? Mama just said we can get candy,” Lexa said joyfully to Madi in hopes of lifting her spirits.

It seemed to do the trick as Madi started listing off her favourite candies while Clarke helped Ontari out of the car. Waving off her fiancé, Clarke set Ontari’s arm over her shoulder and began to lead the girl over to the entrance gate of the cemetery.

Silently, Clarke and Ontari made their way through the various plots. It was a public cemetery, so many of the plaques on the ground were the same aside from the names and dates chiseled into them.

There was the occasional hedge stone with further descriptions of who the person was and who they left behind, but it was rare to see.

After soldiering up a small hill and taking a brief break to catch her breath, Ontari leaned heavily against Clarke as they walked a few more meters over to find the resting place of Beatrice.

As gently as possible, Clarke helped Ontari to the ground where the teen kneeled over the generic stone slab that the others around her had as well.

Clarke watched as Ontari sat for a beat before her shaky fingers reached out to trace over what was engraved on the stone.

Beatrice Norwood

No birthdate, no death-date. Just a name and nothing more.

“This is all that’s left of her,” Ontari eventually mumbles out as she continues to write and re-write her mother’s name.

“Lexa said that the funeral directors couldn’t find any documents with her birthday on it,” Clarke explained, making the teen shake her head slightly.

“September 13th, 1985.”

Clarke paused as she recalled that today was September 13th. No wonder Ontari wanted to visit despite only getting back from the hospital the previous day.

“Tell me about her,” Clarke decided to say as she sat next to her kid on the still grassless patch of land.

“What’s there to say? She loved drugs more than her kids,” Ontari said rather bitterly, making Clarke shake her head in disagreement.

“She’s more than that, and you know it. Your mom is gone, which means it’s your job to help people remember her. Now tell me, who was Beatrice,” Clarke said, re-prompting the teen to talk about her mother.

“I can’t remember her before the drugs,” Ontari explained as she looked at the stone disdainfully. “I want to remember, but it’s so hard. All I see is her getting worse and worse.”

“Close your eyes,” Clarke prompted before she gently grasped Ontari’s hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. “What was your first memory ever as a kid?”

Ontari paused and mulled the thought over for a beat before speaking again. “I was four. I had a little plastic pool in our yard, and I was playing in it.”

“What else do you remember?” Clarke pressed, hoping that some digging would help the teen remember Beatrice in a better light.

“It was cold. I didn’t like it but my mom-,” Ontari pauses as she’s finally hit with something. In her mind, buried under years of trauma and abuse, under layers of helping her mother through her withdrawal and relapses and raising Madi to be a good kid, laid the only memory she had of when things were good.

“My mom sat in the pool with me,” Ontari whispered as tears begin to leak past her closed eyes.

“Tell me what she looked like,” Clarke encouraged as she lovingly squeezed Ontari’s hand and continued to let the girl just feel everything.

“Beautiful. She looks like Madi but her eyes…”

“What about her eyes.”

“They’re brown like mine. It was before the drugs made them milky. And her smile,” Ontari mumbles as a sob breaks past her lips. “She was so beautiful.”

“Remember her like that,” Clarke said as she allowed the teen to lean into her side and breakdown a bit more. “Push aside all of the negative memories for a minute and just remember Beatrice at her most alive.”

“Why couldn’t she stay like that?” Ontari asked as she nuzzled her face into Clarke’s neck and allowed her tears to fall quickly. “Why wasn’t I reason enough for her to stay like that?”

Clarke sighed and kissed the top of Ontari’s head before deciding to speak. “I don’t know, baby,” Clarke said honestly. “But sometimes, when things get too tough for us to handle, we like to turn to other things to help us get by. Maybe she was struggling, and the drugs made her feel better.”

“Why couldn’t I make her feel better, though? Why am I never enough for people?”

“Hey, no,” Clarke quickly disagreed as she gently pushed Ontari away so she could catch the teen’s gaze. “You are more than enough, Ontari. And I’m sure that your mom thought the same. But maybe she didn’t feel like she could be a good enough mother, which was why she used drugs. It probably made her feel better and like she wasn’t failing you,” Clarke said, hoping to give Beatrice the benefit of the doubt. Sure, Beatrice failed as a mother, but it wasn’t Clarke’s place to put down the woman who was already dead. The least she could do was make sure her daughter maintained a good memory of her. “And if you ever doubt her love, just close your eyes and remember her sitting in the pool with you. Remember her eyes, her smile, the way she held your hand. I’m sure you will find all the love she felt for you in there.”

Ontari shakily released a breath and shut her eyes once more. With one hand grasped in Clarke’s, and the other rested on Beatrice’s gravestone, Ontari allowed herself to go back and relive that memory over and over until, sure enough, the love that Clarke was talking about finally started to leak through.

And with that love came a gentle breeze, almost as if Beatrice was showing Ontari that Clarke was right and that she loved her the same way she did in that memory all along.

“What do you feel?” Clarke asked softly as Ontari allowed the smallest of smiles to slip past her lips.

“Everything,” Ontari replied as she continued to remember. “Her.”

-----

For the time that Clarke and Ontari would take at the cemetery, Lexa allowed for Madi to go a bit crazy and buy the largest bag of candy they could find in the shops down the road.

With little idea of how long their other half of the family would be, Lexa and Madi parked themselves on a bench and ate their way through the candy bag, but not without a brief lesson in the humane ways to consume sour gummy bears.

“Head first,” Lexa explained as she took a red bear and bit its head off. “That way they don’t feel it,” the older woman said before popping the rest in her mouth and laughing at Madi’s slight shock.

“They’re alive?” Madi asked as she looked into her bag and stared the gummies down.

“No, but it’s still the nice thing to do,” Lexa said.

Madi shrugged and grabbed her own gummy before copying her mommy and biting the head off first.

“Do I have to do the same thing to animal crackers?” Madi asked as she puckered her lips at the sour flavor.

“Yes, and you have to eat two at a time so they don’t get lonely,” Lexa explained, only confusing the little girl further.

“This is why I like toast. It has no rules,” Madi said, making Lexa laugh again. “When’s Tari gonna get better? I thought the hospital fixed her all up,” Madi said, changing the subject as quickly as someone could flip a switch.

“She’s still healing. She just doesn’t need to be at the hospital anymore,” Lexa said as she grabbed more candy. “Why?”

“She never lets people help her and now she does. It’s weird,” Madi explained, making Lexa shake her head. Clearly, Madi had some skewed idea of why Ontari acted the way she did before.

“Well, she didn’t have people she could trust to help her before. In your old homes, I’m sure she thought that she had to take care of herself and you all at the same time.”

“I think she loves you and mama,” Madi said, making Lexa smile softly.

“You do?” the older woman asked, making the little girl nod her head.

“Mh-hmm. She looks at you guys all the time,” Madi explained, which only further confused Lexa.

“What does that mean?”

“Tari never looked at other foster parents. They were always so mean and it was a bad idea to look at them for too long ‘cause they got angry. But you and mama don’t get angry, so Ontari looks at you guys a lot. It makes her happy,” Madi said, making Lexa smile even more as she also came to the realization that the little girl was right. She’d noticed it the previous night, but she didn’t pay it much mind, but when Ontari was sitting at the table she was always looking at Clarke with a smile. She seemed content, and Lexa had no doubt that the teen was also feeling grateful.

“Well, we love her too. And we love you,” Lexa promised as she playfully booped Madi’s nose, which earned a giggle from the girl.

“I know that, mommy,” Madi said as she crinkled her nose and grabbed more candy. “We should buy another candy ‘cause I think I’m going to eat it all,” Madi said as she bit the head’s off of five gummies before eating them all at once.

“Maybe this much sugar isn’t a good idea,” Lexa said as she pried the bag from the seven-year-old’s grip and tied the top off.

“But mommy,” Madi whined as she reached for the bag once more.

“No way, missy,” Lexa said past a laugh as she held the bag away from the girl. “You are going to be ridiculously hyped up on sugar and your mama will be very unhappy with me.”

“I like being hyped,” Madi stated before she stood up and did a little dance. It was clear that her energy was already coming in full throttle.

“Why don’t we go for a walk?” Lexa suggested as she got off the bench and extended her hand to the still dancing girl.

“Can we dance while we walk?” Madi asked as she wiggled her waist and bopped her head to the non-existent music.

Lexa, who not too long ago wouldn’t be caught dead dancing on a sidewalk for no reason, smiled kindly at her little girl and nodded her head in agreement.

“Let’s see those moves, kid,” Lexa said as she joined in and began to dance as she continued to hold Madi’s hand.

Madi giggled hysterically as Lexa danced with her.

They looked silly, maybe even crazy, but they were having too much fun to care about what other people were thinking.

They were happy, and goofing off, and living their best lives. And Lexa would do anything for her little girl, even if it meant making a fool of herself.

-----

“How about oatmeal, again?” Lexa asked Ontari as she sat on the edge of the teen’s bed and waited for her to agree to eat something for dinner.

Ontari merely shook her head as she continued to lay on her non-injured side. She’d been through the wringer emotionally today, and she wasn’t feeling all that great physically, which made her completely revolted by the thought of food.

But Lexa knew the girl needed to eat to heal, which is what brought her here to her ongoing attempt to get Ontari to eat.

“Well, you skipped lunch. Dinner isn’t debatable,” Lexa said as she continued to run her nails over Ontari’s arm in a soothing fashion.

“I’m not feeling good,” Ontari protested for the umpteenth time. “I’ll eat breakfast tomorrow.”

“Mashed potatoes?” Lexa offered, hoping to peak the girl’s interest with a different food.

“Too salty,” Ontari explained as she shook her head.

“Well, I can make sure Madi isn’t in charge of salting them this time,” Lexa said, earning a small smile from the teen that disappeared just as quickly as it came to her face. “C’mon, sweetheart. I know there’s at least one food you’d be willing to eat right now.”

Ontari twisted her lips in thought before she blinked and looked at Lexa for a beat.

“Do we have instant ramen?” Ontari asked, making Lexa nod.

“Probably somewhere in the pantry. Is that something you’ll eat?” Lexa asked, making the teen nod as she attempted to sit up.

Lexa was quick to help her the rest of the way until Ontari was sitting up with her legs over the edge of the bed.

“I just need one more ingredient,” Ontari said as Lexa helped her stand up and head in the direction of the hallway.

“I’m scared to find out what concoction you have in mind,” Lexa said, making the teen wave her off.

“Look who’s out of bed,” Clarke commented when both of her girls appeared at the bottom of the stairs.

“She’s willing to eat ramen,” Lexa said, making Clarke nod and head to the pantry where, sure enough, they had a few packets of instant ramen sitting on the bottom shelf.

“Did you want peanut butter too, Tari?” Madi asked from her place at the sink where she was helping to wash the vegetables for dinner.

“You remember,” Ontari said past a weak laugh as Lexa helped her sit at the dinner table.

“Peanut butter?” Clarke asked as she grabbed a kettle to heat up the water for the ramen.

“You’ll see,” Ontari said suspiciously before accepting the jar of peanut butter that her little sister handed to her.

“You’re going to be weird and mix peanut butter into your ramen, aren’t you?” Lexa asked, a look of concern on her face, which made Ontari laugh and playfully shush her.

Sure enough, after everyone had their dinner in front of them, Ontari took a spoonful of peanut butter and mixed it into her noodles which were strained upon her request.

It was Clarke’s turn to look on worriedly.

“Is there a story behind this one?” Lexa asked as she motioned to the now peanut butter coated noodles that Ontari happily ate.

“I had to eat a lot of ramen as a kid and I got bored of it after a while. My mom mixed in peanut butter once and I haven’t been able to eat it any other way since,” Ontari explained, making both women nod in understanding.

“I think it’s yucky,” Madi said matter-of-factly as she shoveled more peas into her mouth.

“Good thing you aren’t eating it then,” Ontari said before playfully sticking her tongue out at her little sister.

“Why haven’t you asked for this before?” Clarke ventured. It was the first time she’d seen the teen eat her ramen concoction, so it was obvious she’d gone well over a year without having it.

“It’s not a good idea to ask for things,” Ontari said before looking down in disappointment. She couldn’t help but feel bad for lobbing Clarke and Lexa into the same category as her other foster parents. They were better than them, which is why she could’ve asked for her favourite food without fear of getting in trouble. But disconnecting was hard, and sometimes it was easier to stick to old habits than to adopt new ones.

“I get it,” Lexa spoke up as she gently grasped the teen’s forearm. “Even little things feel like a burden sometimes. But the ramen is in the pantry and the peanut butter is always in the cupboard. You don’t have to ask.”

It was still a foreign concept, not asking to do things in a foster home, even something as simple as snacking. But Ontari knew she was okay to do that here, which meant that she could indulge and eat her favourite food without fear.

“Thank you,” the teen said before she returned to eating her noodles. “So, how’s the wedding planning going?” Ontari decided to ask, making both women smile and Madi bounce excitedly in her seat.

“Can I pretty please be the flower girl?” Madi asked she clasped her small hands together in a plea.

“Actually, Clarke and I had a different idea for the two of you,” Lexa said, making Madi give her her full, undivided attention, and Ontari furrow her eyebrows in question.

“Do you know what the maid of honour is?” Clarke asked, mainly to Madi who was unlikely to know the answer. Madi gave a swift shake of her head in the negative, which prompted Clarke to continue. “The maid of honour is the right-hand the bride. They are usually the brides closest loved one, which is why Lexa and I were wondering if you two wanted to be our maids of honour.”

“I can be a maid?!” Madi asked as her excitement peaked, making both women laugh.

“Of honour,” Lexa supplied, hoping that the child understood that the title of maid didn’t mean she was cleaning up after them.

“How does this work? There’s two of you, so…,” Ontari began to say as she motioned between both women.

“We were hoping that Madi would accept being Lexa’s maid of honour while you accept being mine,” Clarke explained to the teen who briefly raised her eyebrows in shock.

“Don’t you want one of your friends to do it? Maybe Raven? You grew up with her,” Ontari suggested, making Clarke quickly shake her head in the negative.

“I love Raven and Octavia, but you are my-,” Clarke stopped herself short. It didn’t seem like the most appropriate time to be claiming Ontari as her daughter, especially given the recent passing of Beatrice. “I love you so much, and I want you to be there, by my side, when I marry Lexa.”

“And I want you,” Lexa said to Madi who giggled and hurried off her seat to hug her mommy in thanks.

“What do you say, Ontari?” Clarke asked as Lexa and Madi hugged one another. “You don’t have to say yes. I’m not going to force you. But it would mean a lot to me to have you there.”

Ontari seemed to mull over the thought. She knew that if Clarke was anything, she was sincere, which meant that she really did want her to be her maid of honour. And weddings were supposed to be a special day for the couple, which would make Ontari a bad person for depriving one of the bride’s of something she wanted.

“Okay,” Ontari agreed, making Clarke beam as she got up and moved over to hug Ontari from behind. “You can always change your mind, though. I won’t be hurt if you pick one of your friends instead.”

“I won’t,” Clarke said gleefully as she quickly kissed Ontari’s cheek before releasing her from the hug.

Ontari couldn’t help but smile as she watched Clarke return to her seat and grab Lexa’s hand excitedly.

The two women shared a look, one full of love and excitement and relief, and Ontari felt an itch to sketch it right then and there. Her sketches were, after all, frozen pieces of time, and Ontari would be lying if she said she didn’t want to freeze this very moment and have it engraved into her mind forever.

Notes:

here's a bit of angst and a bit of fluff. i'm nearly done writing this story on my end, but as i was wrapping this one up i was hit with another story idea.

i've been outlining it and here are just a few core details i want to share with you all:
- it'll be set in the 100 verse
- another family drama (because angst and drama, duh!)
- ontari will be a main character again (idk what it is guys, but i thought she was a cool character - aside from what she did to murphy - and i really like re-writing her)

that's all i can share for now, but if all goes well, i'm hoping to get the first few chapters out by mid-august.

for now, we have some more modern-day clexa to enjoy.

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 29: the wisp sings

Notes:

let me sleep
i am tired of my grief
and i would like you
to love me, to love me, to love me

this is the night when these woods sigh

- winter aid

i 100% encourage you to listen to The Wisp Sings when the song is cued in the story. it makes that one portion of the chapter so much more magical.

“They said yes,” Clarke whispered gleefully as she cuddled close to Lexa that night.

“I still don’t know why you thought otherwise,” Lexa said as she pressed a kiss to the top of her fiancé’s head.

“You know the girls, they don’t like to overstep.”

“’The girls’? Really?” Lexa asked, making Clarke laugh.

“Okay, Ontari then. She’s always worried that she’s going to cross a line and I was worried she would think that this was one of them.”

“She said yes though,” Lexa reminded, as she pulled her bride-to-be closer.

“She said yes,” Clarke echoed as she nuzzled her nose into Lexa’s chest. “It’s going to be a good day. I can feel it.”

“Well, I hope it’s a good day. It’s our wedding.”

“I know, but…,” Clarke began to say before she trailed off with her thought. Pushing herself onto her elbows, Clarke turned onto her stomach to better look at her fiancé who was waiting for her full response. “I already know it’s going to be my favourite day because I’m marrying my best friend.”

“It’s going to be my favourite day too,” Lexa affirmed before she grabbed Clarke’s chin and pulled the blonde in for a kiss. “Maybe my second favourite day, actually.”

“Your second?” Clarke asked with a small pout, which made Lexa laugh before she kissed the pout away.

“Every good day is second to the day that we jumped off that cliff.”

“Why?” Clarke pressed, making the brunette shrug.

“It was the day I fell in love with you. I doubt anything would ever come close to feeling as good.”

“Such a sap,” Clarke teased before she kissed her fiancé once more. “I can’t wait to be a Griffin-Woods.”

“Woods-Griffin,” Lexa quickly shot back, which proved that they still had some planning to do.

“Griffin-Woods,” Clarke re-stated.

“Woods-Griffin. Final answer,” Lexa said before setting her hand over Clarke’s mouth, effectively stopping her from arguing back.

Clarke laughed and wrestled Lexa’s hand off her face before finally getting free and flopping back onto her front with a spent sigh.

“I guess we’ll see what looks better on paper then,” Clarke said as she shifted until she was practically on top of Lexa.

“I guess so,” Lexa agreed.

The two allowed a calming silence fall over them as Lexa began to scratch Clarke’s back. Slowly but surely, Clarke was lulled to sleep by the loving ministrations on her back.

Lexa, who was also starting to conk out, smirked before whispering something into the dark room.

“Woods-Griffin.”

The small jab from Clarke proved that the blonde had heard her and that the argument was still open for further dispute. But sleep was more important, so both women decided to wait to make their final decision on a different day.

For now, they slept and dreamt about all the beautiful things they intended to bring into their wedding.

-----

It wasn’t long before November rolled around and Clarke and Lexa’s wedding day arrived.

What was once a short guest list of their 30 closest friends and family, soon turned into a 75+ person affair as extended family from both ends decided they wanted to join in the festivities as well.

It was touching to see how many people wanted to be present for the wedding day, but the additional guests meant more people wedging themselves into the events leading up to the wedding.

Clarke previously intended to only have her mom, Octavia, Raven, Emori, Echo, Niylah and Ontari help her get ready that morning, but after word got around to her cousins that she was getting ready at her mom’s house, they decided to pay a visit as well.

Clarke took the extra people in stride and decided to embrace the chaos since she clearly couldn’t control it anymore.

It was Ontari who seemed more downtrodden by the strangers that saddled up to Clarke’s side and pushed away anyone who wasn’t strong enough to stand their ground.

Deciding to just get ready in the privacy of Clarke’s old bedroom, Ontari reminded herself that she enjoyed being alone and that the peace would later be missed once she was in the middle of all of Clarke and Lexa’s extended family.

Ontari just about managed to get into her dress and zip it up when she noticed that the underarm fabric dipped lower than she previously noticed and exposed both of her un-sightly scars.

Sure, they would be covered by her arm, but Ontari wasn’t prepared to police herself all day and make sure she didn’t raise her left arm for any reason whatsoever.

Before she could allow herself to panic, Ontari hurried out of the room in hopes that Clarke would have a solution.

Down in the kitchen, Clarke was getting her hair done by one cousin while Echo did her makeup and the other ten women in the space talked over each other in an attempt to expose another one of Clarke’s embarrassing childhood stories.

Ontari unsurely stepped into the space and attempted to call out Clarke’s name.

“Clarke,” her call was quickly swiped away by another person saying the same name and gaining her foster mom’s attention.

Ontari tried again, and again. But it was no use.

Her panic was climbing, and if she couldn’t find a solution for the dress she would almost be tempted to say she wouldn’t go at all, but that would be a childish thing of her to do.

Nonetheless, there were too many people, and she needed Clarke, and her anxiety was gnawing at the pit of her stomach and making her feel queasy.

Ontari blurted out the first thing that came to mind before she could spiral into a panic attack.

“Mama,” Ontari said. The kitchen went silent as everyone looked at Ontari in shock. Ontari also seemed to be taken aback by her own choice of name for Clarke as she took one hesitant step back before she quickly turned and ran out of the kitchen.

She definitely shouldn’t have done that. For all she knew, she just ruined Clarke’s wedding and all she’ll ever be remembered for was taking that special day away from her forever because she was worried about some stupid scars.

Ontari released a shaky breath as she sat on the edge of Clarke’s childhood bed and grasped the bedspread in an attempt to ground herself.

“Don’t do it, don’t do it,” Ontari mumbled to herself and she began to rock slightly. She didn’t need to add onto the mess by having a panic attack.

Ontari felt a rush of shame as she realized that her theory was true: bad things really did happen to everything she touched.

-----

“I should check on her,” Clarke said as she attempted to stand up from the chair that her cousin and Echo had her sitting at. Echo stepped aside, a clear sign that she was letting the blonde go, but Clarke’s cousin was quick to push her back onto the seat.

“No way. I almost have your curls set the right way and you are not going to ruin them,” the girl said, which made Clarke bristle. She would argue back if there wasn’t a hot curling iron being held to the back of her head. Plus, she knew her Cousin Martha wasn’t afraid to maim her if need be. She still had the scars from their childhood.

“I’ve got her,” Octavia spoke up before she got off her seat and moved to follow the teen up the stairs. Based on some of the reactions, it was clear that no one expected her to be the one to volunteer her help.

Truthfully, Octavia was shocked by her own willingness to check in on Ontari. She was still wary of how the girl reacted while upset, but this time around she couldn’t help but think that being called mean names would be worth helping the kid out.

After her three tentative knocks at the shut door were left unanswered, Octavia put on her big girl pants and entered the room.

Ontari was sat on the bed, her body rocking slowly as she mumbled to herself something that Octavia couldn’t quite make-out.

“Hey, Ontari. Are you alright?” Octavia asked unsurely as she stepped into the room.

Ontari jumped at her voice and looked at Octavia like a deer in headlights. “It’s okay,” Octavia promised when she realized that she spooked her.

“I’m sorry,” Ontari croaked as she hurriedly tried to wipe her cheeks of the tears that started to fall.

“Don’t apologize,” Octavia quickly said as she sat next to the teen.

“I ruined her wedding,” Ontari sobbed, making the older woman shake her head.

“You didn’t ruin anything. Hey, it’s okay,” Octavia said as she gently cupped Ontari’s cheeks. It always worked to get Hope to focus on her, so Octavia was testing her luck to see if it had the same effect on Ontari.

Sure enough, Ontari looked Octavia in the eye, which proved that she had her full attention.

“You didn’t ruin a thing. Clarke would be here right now telling you the same thing if Martha wasn’t holding her at curling iron point,” Octavia said, hoping the small joke would elicit some sort of positive reaction from the teen.

Thankfully, Ontari released a small giggle at the thought before her worries came flooding back.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Octavia asked, deciding to be vague in case Ontari wanted to talk about what she needed from Clarke, or the fact that she called Clarke ‘mama’.

“My dress doesn’t work,” Ontari said as she sniffled back her tears and looked at her lap.

“What’re you talking about? You look beautiful!” Octavia gushed as she reached up to brush back some of Ontari’s straightened hair.

“No, it- it shows something I don’t want people to see,” Ontari decided to say, making Octavia furrow her eyebrows in confusion.

“Do you mind showing me? I might have a solution.”

Ontari thought it over before she stood up and moved her arm aside to reveal the dip that exposed her scars.

All credit was due to Octavia; the woman didn’t even flinch at the sight of the marred skin.

Much rather, Octavia stood up and gently grasped the loose under-arm fabric of the dress to see if there was anything she could do to fix it on the spot.

“One second,” Octavia said as she released the fabric and began to look through Clarke’s mostly empty dresser drawers.

Clarke took almost everything when she moved out, but if memory served Octavia correctly, the blonde left behind the embroidery kit that she was obsessed with in her early teen years.

“Found it!” Octavia stated proudly as she pulled out the box of thread, needles, and pins. Octavia took two safety pins from the box and approached Ontari once more. “Let’s see if this does it,” the older woman said as she re-gathered the fabric and pinched it together in the middle. Satisfied with its placement, Octavia pinned the fabric on the inside and released it to double-check that the scars were hidden.

“Does it work?” Ontari asked as she attempted to glance down to see herself.

“You can hardly tell that it was changed,” Octavia said as she led the teen over to the mirror.

Ontari admired Octavia’s handi-work while the older woman got to work on the other side to balance them out.

“You know, you shouldn’t be ashamed of your scars,” Octavia said as she began to re-adjust her work to be even on both sides.

“I’m not ashamed,” Ontari deflected.

“Embarrassed then?” Octavia asked, earning a meek nod from the teen. “We all have our insecurities, so I’m not going to preach to you about loving your body and accepting all its flaws – though you really should do that. I will say, though, you shouldn’t let something that you can’t change about yourself control how you experience life. Those scars aren’t going anywhere, just like this one isn’t,” Octavia said as she lifted her own shirt to reveal the long scar along the middle of her stomach. “I’ve had this since I was twelve and because one girl decided to pick on me for it, I refused to wear anything that revealed my stomach for ten years. That’s a lot of years spent that I let my feelings towards something I can’t change dictate how I live my life. You should own those scars, Ontari. Make them your bitch.”

Ontari raised an eyebrow at Octavia’s choice of words and couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped her when she compared Octavia’s advice to Clarke’s.

“Sorry. I’m trying to speak to you at your age level since talking to you like I do to Hope would be patronizing.”

“I just don’t want people to stare,” Ontari said, making Octavia nod her agreement.

“Our brains can be dicks sometimes. We might feel like people stare more than they actually do. It took me a long time to realize that people weren’t actually looking at my stomach when I wore a bikini to the beach.”

“And the questions?” Ontari asked, making Octavia shrug.

“Hardly anyone has the guts to actually ask them,” Octavia explained.

“Would it be bad if I still wore the dress like this?” Ontari asked as she moved her arm to see if the scars remained covered.

“No, it would be perfectly alright because self-love doesn’t happen in an instant. Now tell me, what were you planning to do for your makeup?” Octavia asked as she looked at the teen’s face through the mirror.

“Just some mascara. I’ve never really known how to do my makeup nicely,” Ontari said, making Octavia nod her understanding.

“If you’d like, I can do your makeup for you,” Octavia offered, making a small smile pull at Ontari’s lips.

“Really?” the teen asked as she turned her head to properly look at the older woman.

“Of course. I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t mean it,” Octavia said as she squeezed Ontari’s hand kindly. “Would you like to do it downstairs or up here?”

Ontari thought it over for a beat. “Can we do it here? Clarke’s cousins are too loud,” Ontari explained, making Octavia laugh and nod her agreement.

“Believe it or not, they were even worse when we were kids,” Octavia said as she started to head to the door so she could go grab her makeup from downstairs. “Just give me a minute to get my things.”

Before Octavia could leave the room, Ontari quickly approached her and wrapped her in a hug. It was to show her gratitude for being there for her, and Octavia was glad to accept it.

“Thanks, Aunty O,” Ontari mumbled, making the older woman smile and hold her just a bit tighter.

“Anytime.”

-----

At the Woods household, things were less chaotic as Lexa’s siblings, parents, Madi, Hope, and Adria were the only ones getting ready there. Sure, the amount of people was daunting, but they were still well-versed on how to get ready under the same roof, which made them function like a well-oiled machine.

Lexa was working on her own makeup while Luna and Anya fought over what they could do to her hair. They were sounding just like they did when they were teens, and Luna even put in a petulant stomp of her foot for good measure when it looked like she was losing this ongoing battle.

Lincoln, who was in the midst of braiding Madi’s hair to match Hope’s, decided to tease his sisters for their argument.

“Oh my god, what am I going to do with my hair?” Lincoln asked in the most feminine voice he could muster. Madi and Hope giggled at his theatrics, but his sisters seemed less pleased.

“Not cool, dude,” Anya said as she snapped a hair-tie at her brother’s head. “Don’t be a sexist donkey.”

“Yeah, you’ve got four sisters,” Luna agreed as she shot her older brother a glare.

“Mockery is the highest form of flattery,” Lincoln reminded as he tied off one small braid and went on to the next. “Besides, how can I be sexist when I have two little nieces as amazing as these guys?”

Gaia, who was in the midst of doing her own makeup looked at her brother in offense.

“Excuse me? What about us?” Gaia asked, making her brother shrug.

“Ehh,” was all Lincoln could supply, which made his sisters all glare at him. “Wow, you all have mom’s signature glare.”

“I hope they do,” Indra said as she walked into the busy living room. “It keeps men like you and your father in check.”

“Am I doing the glare right, grandma?” Madi asked, deciding to slip in her new name for the woman.

Indra, who couldn’t help but pause at what she was called, was quick to laugh and approach her granddaughter who was trying her very best to glare just like her mommy and aunts were before.

“Less eyebrow,” Indra instructed as she crouched in front of Madi’s seat. “Now let your eyes do all the talking.”

Madi, despite looking more adorable than angry, managed to produce something similar to Indra’s signature glare, which had everyone laughing in surprise.

“She really is your kid,” Lincoln said to Lexa who shrugged and accepted the compliment.

“My mini-me, right Mads?” Lexa asked the girl who nodded her agreement.

“Getting nervous yet?” Gaia asked her sister as a way to change the subject.

“Why would I be nervous?” Lexa asked, making all of her siblings laugh.

“Because it’s your wedding day,” Anya said as if that would be explanation enough.

“And? I’m marrying my best friend. If anything, I’m more excited than nervous.”

“Ugh, you two are gross,” Luna said as she threw a makeup blender at her sister.

“No, they’re in love,” Madi stated matter-of-factly, earning more laughs from the adults.

“That’s right,” Lexa re-affirmed. “We’re in love. There’s nothing for me to be nervous about.”

-----

A part of Lexa wished that she could swallow her previous words from a few hours ago. It was mere minutes to the ceremony and she was waiting to walk down the aisle with Madi. Her stomach was full of butterflies and she was more jittery than ever, something that clearly didn’t go over Madi’s head.

“Did you have too much sugar?” Madi asked as she continued to touch the silky fabric of Lexa’s white dress.

“No,” Lexa said in disagreement as she tried to shake out her hands. Were they clammy? They felt clammy.

“Why can’t you stop moving then?” Madi pressed, making her mommy freeze almost entirely.

“No reason,” the older woman dismissed. Any other day she would’ve taken the time to explain to Madi why she was dancing around like an idiot, but based off the sounds of people settling outside it was clear she didn’t have much time left.

Luna appeared through the backdoor, a slightly frazzled smile on her face as she shut the door and looked at her sister.

“We’re cueing the music in a minute, Lex. Remember, you walk down first with Mads, and then Clarke and Ontari will follow you a minute later. Raven’s got the music under control so she’ll fade it out when you two meet at the end of the aisle,” Luna explained, making Lexa nod weakly. “Don’t look so scared. You’re marrying your best friend, remember?”

“I know,” Lexa said as tears started to well in her eyes. “I just can’t wait to see her.”

“You won’t have to wait much longer,” Luna promised as she turned around to exit the house once more.

Considering their short notice, Lexa and Clarke agreed that a backyard wedding at Lexa’s parents would work out just fine. The yard was large enough to accommodate the wedding ceremony and reception with some well-planned set-up and dedicated family to help with the execution of it all.

“Aunty Luna’s waving at us,” Madi mentioned, making Lexa glance through one of the windows where, sure enough, her sister was holding up a single finger.

One minute.

Lexa shook out her worried limbs and extended her hand to the little girl.

“You’re going to make sure I don’t embarrass myself, right?” Lexa asked Madi who nodded and grabbed onto her hand.

“I’ll do my best,” Madi promised.

A few seconds later, The Wisp Sings began to play, and Lexa knew that was her cue to start walking.

Lexa had to stop herself from freezing when she saw the state of the yard. It was more beautiful than she could’ve ever imagined. It was simple, with flower petals lining the aisle that led to the rustic arch which Gustus constructed himself. White linin hung from the trees and draped over the benches, which clearly came in handy as more people showed up than previously expected. Anya and Abby really outdid themselves, but Lexa knew she had to keep moving despite wanting to just stop and admire everything for a minute longer.

As she walked, Lexa felt Madi squeeze her hand every so often. It felt like tiny encouragements, and the older woman was grateful for that.

When Lexa got to the archway, she smiled at her brother (and ordained minister as of two weeks ago) who gave her a playful yet gentle push before he pointed to the backdoor that Clarke was emerging from.

Lexa felt her heart stop.

Truly.

And utterly.

Stop.

It was like she was seeing Clarke for the first time, and suddenly all the air was pulled from her lungs.

Clarke walked with Ontari’s arm looped in her own. Mother and daughter. Lexa’s wife and child.

Lexa was quickly hit with the realization that a little over a year ago she didn’t have this. She didn’t have Clarke; she didn’t have the girls. It felt like a lifetime ago but in the best way possible. Every day that she spent with her little family, was another day she spent realizing that this was where she was always meant to be.

Before Lexa could really register it, Clarke was standing in front of her, and the two hands that she’d memorized every line of slipped into her own. And the bluest eyes that she’d ever seen were staring into her own.

And Lexa smiled.

And Clarke smiled.

And they felt whole.

“Today is a celebration,” Lincoln began to say as he looked at his sister and sister-in-law before looking at the watching crowd. “A celebration of love, of commitment, of friendship, of family, and of two people who are in it for forever.”

Lexa squeezed Clarke’s hands. She was in it for forever and a day, a sentiment that Clarke clearly returned as she squeezed her hands back just as tightly.

Despite doing her best to be present, Lexa couldn’t help but let her brother’s speaking and the eyes of the onlooking crowd just slip away as she continued to look at Clarke.

Her Clarke.

Her true love that came around when she thought the world could only ever supply her with one.

Clarke was the much-needed push that Lexa needed to remember that love, at its purest and richest form, could help heal any broken heart.

Clarke not only took Lexa, but two children as well, and reminded them that mending old wounds was not betraying the past, but welcoming in the future.

It was beyond Lexa’s belief that she was able to marry a woman as incredible as the one standing before her.

“I will now invite the couple to share their vows with one another,” Lincoln said, re-grounding Lexa to reality. She would have to speak soon. But first. “Clarke.”

Clarke smiled as she blinked back tears and grasped Lexa’s hands a bit tighter.

“I want so badly to explain the love I have for you, but I doubt the right words exist to let me do it. Lexa, the love we have isn’t just butterflies and stomach knots. It’s like a blur of movement as our souls intertwine to become one. It’s messy, and exciting, and so incredibly frightening because the more I fall for you the more I realize just how infinite our love becomes. I take you as you are now, today, tomorrow, and for forever and a day. And this moment, this brief period where your standing right in front of me, will be one that I remember as the day that I fell in love with you all over again. I’m so grateful to have a woman as strong and loving as you help me raise the other loves of my life, Ontari and Madi.”

Clarke briefly glanced at her two daughters who smiled back at the recognition.

“So, Lexa, let’s move forward together, as wives, and promise eternity because forever just doesn’t sound long enough.”

Lexa reached up and allowed her shaky thumbs to wipe away the tears that trailed down Clarke’s cheeks. They were both crying already, but their small laughter was evidence enough that they were feeling so much joy.

“Lexa,” Lincoln prompted as he motioned for his sister to take her turn.

“Clarke, you are my favourite moment. You are blue eyes and blonde hair and sweet perfume that makes you smell like flowers. And every morning that I wake up with you next to me is another morning that I am grateful to have you. Which is why today, I swear fealty to you. I swear to love you with every breath until my last. I swear to love Ontari and Madi with every breath until my last. Clarke Griffin, you came into my life and turned it upside down but in the most beautiful, and most graceful way possible. And because of that I can stand here and recognize that falling in love with you wasn’t falling at all. It was walking into a house and knowing I’m home.”

-----

Clarke and Lexa Woods-Griffin kissed one another for the first time as wives and not long after, they got to celebrate the moment with a party just for them.

Clarke, who wanted to properly speak with Ontari about what had happened earlier and simply celebrate her marriage with her little family for a few minutes, knew both desires would have to wait for a few more hours because all of her’s and Lexa’s extended family insisted on getting in their best wishes and photos immediately.

“They’re getting antsy,” Lexa pointed out as she motioned to Ontari and Madi who were itching to get away from the onslaught of photos that they were being pushed and pulled from.

Clarke prepared to let the girls go when another family member approached.

“Grandma,” Lexa said as she smiled and hugged the older woman.

“Alexandria, you have a lot of explaining to do,” the woman said before she turned to Clarke. “My Indra told me about you, Clarke, but I doubt my grandbaby had much to say about me. I’m Ronnie.”

“Lexa has told me about you. It’s so nice to finally put a face to the name,” Clarke said as she hugged the older woman.

“Grandma, what explaining do I have to do?” Lexa asked, regaining her grandmother’s attention.

“I have two great-grandbabies and you never thought to introduce me to them?” Ronnie asked as she looked at Ontari and Madi who were in the midst of their own conversation. “They are beautiful.”

“It’s all been touch and go with the adoption process,” Clarke supplied as an explanation. “I think Lex and I are both still hesitant to tell everyone about them until things can be finalized. But I would love for them to meet you.”

“I would like that too,” Ronnie said with a wide smile.

“Girls come here. I have someone I’d like you to meet,” Lexa spoke up, gaining the attention of Ontari and Madi. “This is my grandma, Ronnie. Grandma, this is Ontari and Madi,” Lexa introduced as she motioned between both girls.

“So, does that make you my great-grandma?” Madi asked, which made Ronnie laugh and her mommies smile.

“I guess it does,” Ronnie agreed as she knelt down. “Do great-grandma’s get hugs?”

Madi nodded and moved into the embrace of the older woman who simply held her for a few beats before she let her go and stood up again.

“I’m not…” Ontari began to say hesitantly before looking to Clarke and Lexa for help.

“Ontari prefers her personal space,” Lexa supplied, instantly cueing her grandma into the fact that hugs weren’t an option.

“Just like my Lexa was,” Ronnie said with a fond smile. “We’ve still got some trust to build. I get it. What do you two girls say to some chocolate? I made some and brought it for the dessert table later on but I can sneak you a few pieces now.”

Ontari glanced at Clarke and Lexa before looking to Madi who was already nodding her agreement.

“Chocolate wouldn’t hurt,” Ontari finally said, making the adults smile proudly.

“C’mon then. I stashed it in the fridge,” Ronnie said with a mischievous smile as she offered her hands to the girls. Madi and Ontari each took a hand and began to walk towards the house with Ronnie between them.

Clarke watched on as her girls entered the house before moving to hug her wife from behind.

For the first time that day, it was just the two of them, and it was a welcomed break from all the chaos.

“How’re you feeling Mrs. Woods-Griffin?” Clarke asked as she trailed some kisses on Lexa’s neck.

“So incredibly happy,” Lexa whispered as she leaned back in Clarke’s arms. “How about you Mrs. Woods-Griffin?”

“I’m still pinching myself to see if I’m dreaming,” Clarke confessed. Lexa giggled before she gently pinched one of the arms wrapped around her.

“You dreaming?”

“Nope,” Clarke said as she rested her chin on Lexa’s shoulder. “This is very real. And I am so very happy.”

-----

Ontari watched Clarke and Lexa closely. She watched them interact with their families, and share private moments of laughter and kisses. And as she watched she couldn’t help but feel like she wanted to so desperately fit into their family. To be one of them and to call them her own, but her stupid fear continued to hold her back.

When Clarke and Lexa shared their first dance, Ontari did more than just stare. She stood behind the crowd, where no one could see her, and swayed along to the gentle music that streamed through the yard. She imagined dancing with them, as their kid, and feeling the love flow between the arms that held her close.

It was a dream; a beautiful one that Ontari wanted so desperately to come true.

But then the song ended, and with it so did Ontari’s dream. She wouldn’t get to dance with them.

Ontari watched as more people joined the couple on the floor. Clarke and Lexa called Madi over to dance with them as well. And then Ontari felt it. The twinge of disappointment that Madi fit in better than she did. Madi was always so comfortable, so much so that she could call Clarke and Lexa her moms without thinking twice about it.

What Ontari would give to stop thinking for a moment and just live. To just say what she pleases and call Clarke and Lexa her moms without the fear of rejection chasing after her.

“I can practically hear you thinking across the yard.”

Clarke’s voice startled Ontari, who froze in place and blinked at the woman worriedly.

“What do you say to a dance?” Clarke asked as she offered a hand to the teen who hesitated.

She wanted to dance before. What changed now? Why wasn’t she reaching out to grasp Clarke’s hand too?

“Please, baby?” Clarke asked softly, showing through her few words just how much she wanted to share this moment with the teen.

Ontari nodded weakly and took her foster mom’s hand. Together they walked back to the dance floor where couples were slow dancing.

Lexa, who had Madi held in her arms and was swaying slowly, smiled kindly at Ontari’s direction when she noticed that she and Clarke arrived in the middle of the space.

Gently, Clarke guided Ontari’s arms to rest over her shoulders while she wrapped her arms around the girl’s ribs. And then they were swaying.

And Ontari couldn’t stop herself from closing her eyes and just breathing as she listened to the music and allowed for Clarke to dance them around the space.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” Clarke spoke up, making Ontari blink her eyes open and stare at the blonde for a beat.

“You don’t have to…,” Ontari began to say, which only made Clare shake her head.

“I do. You were upset and I didn’t go check on you. I should’ve stood up to my cousin and been with you.”

“It’s okay. Octavia helped me,” Ontari said. “I should be apologizing anyways. I shouldn’t have called you… you know.”

“Why not?” Clarke asked, making the teen shrug.

“I’m not your real kid. Why would you want me to call you that?”

Clarke sighed and shook her head. She was faced with yet another one of Ontari’s foster system teachings. “You are my real kid. And so is Madi. You two are allowed to call me whatever makes you comfortable,” Clarke said as she reached up to brush some of Ontari’s hair from her face.

“I liked it.”

“Liked what?” Clarke asked.

“Calling you mama. It felt right,” Ontari explained, making the blonde nod and smile as tears welled in her eyes. “You don’t think my mom would be upset that I call you my mama, right?”

“No, sweetheart,” Clarke started to say. “I’m sure your mom would’ve wanted you to love and be loved the way you deserve.”

“No one’s ever loved me like you do. Madi’s different because she needs me to take care of her. But you don’t need me. I bring nothing to you, but you still love me. Why?” Ontari asked.

“A mother’s love can’t be described. All I can tell you is that just when I think I love you as much as I physically can, I start to love you even more. There is no limit and there is no reason. I just feel it,” Clarke explained before she reached up to brush away a tear that tracked down Ontari’s cheek. “You’re wrong by the way. You bring me everything I could ever ask for in life. You are everything to me.”

Ontari, who was clearly taken by Clarke’s words and feeling more loved than ever before, halted their dancing so then she could wrap Clarke in a proper hug.

Clarke smiled as she returned the embrace, her eyes closing as she allowed herself to offer as much physical comfort to the child who deserved the world and more.

-----

After hours of celebrating, and then hours after that helping to clean despite everyone insisting they not lift a finger, Clarke and Lexa eventually found themselves sprawled out on the now clear yard as they looked up at the night sky.

It was 2am, and the sky was clear, which made for optimal stargazing. Or as optimal as it could be in a suburb.

Lexa held Clarke’s hand as they spoke about anything and everything that came to mind.

“We need to get the girls to bed,” Lexa eventually reminded as she turned her head to look at her beautiful bride.

“They’re already in bed,” Clarke teasingly replied, which earned a small laugh from the brunette.

“I mean their beds, not my childhood bed,” Lexa said with an eyeroll. “Besides, the longer we leave them sleeping up there, the higher the chances that Madi will re-break Ontari’s ribs.”

“She’s still got plates in. It’ll hold them in place,” Clarke said in an effort to stay in their little bubble just a bit longer.

“That’s not comforting-,” Lexa began to say.

“Shh,” Clarke softly interrupted her as she propped herself up on her elbow and pressed a loving kiss to her wife’s lips. “Let’s just stay here a bit longer.”

Lexa smiled before she re-attached her lips to Clarke’s. “A few more minutes.”

Clarke sighed in satisfaction before plopping back down and allowing her head to rest on Lexa’s shoulder.

“It feels like the beginning of forever,” Clarke said after a beat of silence.

Lexa smiled contently at the thought as she drew her fingers up and down Clarke’s back. “That’s because it is it.”

Notes:

writing this chapter really hit me in the feels. we've come so far and now our babies are married and ontari is calling clarke her mama. tbh it made me emotional.

we've got another two chapters left. i'm spacing out their releases in order to ensure that i'm satisfied and done changing things. chapter 30 will be out on monday, and 31 will be out on friday.

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 30: someone to you

Notes:

"and if the sun's upset and the sky goes cold
then if the clouds get heavy and start to fall
i really need somebody to call my own
i wanna be somebody to someone
someone to you"

-banners

After the wedding, life was quick to fall back into order. The only difference that Ontari and Madi had to put up with was Clarke and Lexa’s sickening amount of affection. They were newlyweds, and Clarke and Lexa were clearly finding it difficult to keep their love and gushiness at a tolerable level.

A week had passed, and it was clear that neither woman intended to let up on their regular pda.

“Can we not bare witness to this again?” Ontari asked as she ate her cereal, or at least attempted to, on a Monday morning.

“It was just a kiss,” Lexa said past a laugh as she looked at the teen who was clearly exasperated.

“There was lip biting. You two shouldn’t be doing that at 7am!” Ontari insisted as she grabbed her bowl and started to head for the stairs.

“C’mon, don’t be upset,” Clarke said as she also started to laugh. “Where’re you going?”

“To eat my cereal in peace,” Ontari explained, only making her mothers laugh a bit harder. “I’m glad this is so amusing, but I’d rather not watch my moms suck face this early in the morning.”

“Hear that, we’re sucking face,” Lexa said to her wife who nodded her agreement.

“Yes, exactly. I like my coffee with a side of face sucking.”

“I can’t hear you, la la la la la!” Ontari said as she made it to the top of the steps.

“Most kids would love to have parents this in love,” Lexa reminded, but it was too late as the door of the girls’ room shut and Ontari effectively blocked her out.

“What a drama queen.”

“She’s not a morning person,” Clarke reminded before she pulled Lexa in for another long kiss.

“Stop sucking face,” Madi spoke up as she finally glanced up from her book.

“Do you even know what that means?” Lexa asked the child who gave a small shrug.

“I’m guessing it’s when you look like you’re eating mama’s face.”

Clarke instantly blushed while Lexa burst into another fit of giggles.

“Why don’t you hurry up and get ready for school,” Clarke suggested to the child who shrugged once more before shoveling her final bite of cereal into her mouth and moving to do as suggested.

“No more face eating,” Madi reminded as she set her bowl in the sink and turned to leave the kitchen.

“No more being a wise ass,” Lexa rebuttaled as she playfully used her foot to push Madi’s butt.

Madi giggled at the nudge and the small profanity before she ran up the stairs.

“Ass? Really?” Clarke asked as she rolled her eyes. “I thought we agreed to lessen the cursing around the seven-year-old.”

“I could say a lot worse. Besides, give her two more years and she’ll be able to read books that have way more bad words in them than she hears on a regular basis. There’s no stopping her from there,” Lexa said, which made her wife sigh.

“Some parents have to monitor their child’s internet activity, we have to monitor our child’s reading activity. Aren’t we lucky?” Clarke asked sarcastically before she finished up her coffee and set the mug in the sink.

“Very,” Lexa agreed as she turned on the tap and reached for the sponge.

Clarke grabbed the dishtowel to start drying when a knock at the door stopped her.

“I’ll get it,” the blonde said before leaving her wife with the dishes and heading for the door.

When Clarke opened it, she was surprised to find a fairly large stranger at her door.

“Clarke Griffin?” the man asked, making the blonde nod unsurely.

“That’s me. And you are?”

“I’m Roan Murray. I’m with child protective services. May I come in?”

Clarke felt like her heart was in her throat. Every fiber of her being was telling her to shut the door and lock it behind herself, but that would be a crime considering Madi and Ontari’s weren’t legally her’s yet. So, numbly, Clarke stepped aside and allowed the man to enter before shutting the door behind him.

“Is there somewhere we can talk?” Roan asked, making the blonde nod.

“Right this way,” Clarke said as she led the man upstairs.

Once upstairs, Lexa seemed to notice the presence of a new person and turned to see the man behind her wife.

“Lex, this is Mr. Murray. He’s with CPS. Mr. Murray, this is my wife, Lexa,” Clarke introduced, making Lexa shut off the water before she dried her hands and approached the man. It was clear that she was in as much confusion as Clarke was.

“Please, call me Roan,” the man said as he shook Lexa’s hand. “I need to have a word with you both regarding Ontari and Madi’s case.”

“Of course,” Lexa said as she nodded and led Roan to the living room.

“I’m going to let the girls know that they’re walking to school today,” Clarke said before hurrying upstairs.

Clarke knocked at the girls' door before pushing it open. “Ontari,” Clarke said as she entered the room and found the teen packing her backpack.

“Did you finally pry Lexa off your face?” Ontari asked with a small smirk as she zipped her bag shut.

“There’s someone here from CPS. I need you and Madi to walk to school,” Clarke said, deciding to cut to the chase so she didn’t leave Roan waiting for long.

“CPS? Why? They’re not going to take us, are they?” Ontari asked nervously as she paled significantly.

If there was one thing Clarke didn’t need right now, it was a panic attack from Ontari.

Quickly, the blonde wrapped the teen in her arms and lovingly kissed her forehead.

“Don’t worry. It’s probably regarding your mom. Lex and I will take care of it, okay? Nothing bad is going to happen.”

“You don’t know that,” Ontari argued as her throat tightened. “I don’t want to leave until I know what’s wrong.”

“Baby, deep breaths,” Clarke instructed as she held Ontari’s cheeks. “I promise that everything is okay. This is just routine. For all we know, Simone couldn’t make it today and sent someone else in her place.”

“Okay,” Ontari agreed when a reasonable explanation was provided. “It’s just a check-in.”

“It’s just as check-in,” Clarke promised as she thumbed at Ontari’s cheeks which were finally getting some colour back. “Now I really need you to help me out and take Madi to school. Can you do that?”

Ontari nodded and regained her composure before grabbing her bag.

“Can mom tell me what happened when she gets to school later?” Ontari asked, allowing herself to refer to Lexa as her ‘mom.’ While Clarke was starting to just be called ‘mama’ by the older girl, it was still a back and forth with Lexa’s name.

“I’ll make sure she does, okay?”

A bit more eased than before, Ontari nodded and allowed Clarke to hug her once more before she gathered her things as well as Madi’s.

Once Clarke and Ontari got Madi from the bathroom where she was brushing her teeth, Clarke led both girls down and saw them out the front door with the promise to see them when she gets back from work later.

After shutting the door and taking a composing breath, Clarke returned to the living room where Lexa and Roan were chatting and drinking coffee together.

Lexa’s calm disposition helped Clarke fully relax as she sat next to her and grasped her hand.

“I’m sorry for interrupting your morning like this,” Roan began to say as he pulled out two files from his bag.

“It’s no bother. It’s only a twenty-minute walk for the girls and the fresh air does them some good,” Lexa said, making the man smile and nod his agreement.

“I guess I’ll just cut right to the chase then. Simone has recently been terminated from her position after several complaints were made against her. All of her cases have been handed off to other social workers, and I am now in charge of Madi and Ontari,” Roan explained, making both women briefly glance at one another before they returned their attention to him.

“What happened? Are we allowed to know why she was fired?” Lexa asked, though she and Clarke already had their suspicions.

“From what I was told, Simone was working with un-licensed families and failed to properly conduct bio parent and child meetings. A recent incident in one of the homes was brought to CPS’s attention and she was finally investigated.”

Clarke froze as she thought something over before she finally spoke. “Did the incident occur at the home of Mark and Nia?”

“How did you know?” Roan asked as he looked at the blonde in confusion.

“Ontari’s shared her stories about them. We know what Mark did to her.”

“Well, I guess you’ll be relieved to know that both Mark and Nia have been arrested and are going on trial for several offenses.”

“And Simone?” Lexa asked, shifting the conversation to who she thought was the real criminal in all of this. “She just lost her job?”

“And her license. She’ll never be a social worker again. I know it isn’t comforting, but it’s better than nothing,” Roan reasoned, making Lexa bristle slightly.

Clarke was quick to grasp her wife’s hand and squeeze it as a comforting reminder that Ontari and Madi were safe and away from Simone for good.

“What does this mean then? Can we move forward with the adoption of the girls?” Clarke asked, deciding it would be best to focus on the future of the girls.

“Did you already start the process?” Roan asked in confusion as he flipped through the folders of the girls.

“I asked Simone about it back in April. She said she would take care of it.”

“I’m not seeing anything here,” Roan said with a defeated shake of his head.

“I can’t believe this,” Lexa said with an unamused laugh. “That awful woman just couldn’t let our kids have one good thing in life. She had to go and try to ruin every opportunity they had at getting a family.”

“I don’t want to even think about what she would’ve done if she wasn’t fired,” Clarke sighed as she rubbed her forehead. “So what does this mean?” Clarke asked as she returned her attention to Roan. “Are we going to have to wait another year? Ontari is less than two years away from aging out of the system and after everything she’s been through I think she’d like to turn eighteen with the guarantee that she’s adopted and legally protected by me and Lexa.”

“I understand your concern. And I appreciate how much you care for Ontari’s comfort. That being said, all I’ll need to get is a home check performed when the girls’ are around and we can move forward. You’ll be looking at an adoption day within the next six to eight months.”

“That quick?” Clarke asked with a hopeful smile.

“Once we have everything in order all I need to do is set the court date.”

“Simone really was prepared to drag this along until Ontari aged out,” Lexa said, frowning when the sad realization set over her. “She’s gone for good, right? She can’t hurt Ontari anymore?”

“I know that this situation must make it difficult to trust the system,” Roan acknowledged. “Simone was unfair to Ontari and Madi and she no doubt hurt them a lot during their time in the system. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I need you both to trust that I have the best interest of the girls at heart. As soon as I know that this is a safe and loving environment for them to grow up in, I’ll do everything in my power to make this a permanent situation. I’m rooting for you both and I’m rooting for your family.”

“We appreciate that,” Clarke said with a weak smile. “Those girls deserve everything and more.”

“Agreed,” Roan said with a curt nod. “On another note, I did bring along some things that belonged to the girls’ mother. Most of her belongings were binned or donated, but anything that had a connection to Ontari and Madi have been sent to me.”

Roan went back into his bag and started to pull out several little things. There was a stack of photos, the popsicle stick picture frame that Ontari made, two baby hats, a worn-down winnie the pooh plush, and a letter with Ontari’s name messily written on the back.

“It’s not much but I’m sure the girls will appreciate having some of these things back,” Roan said as he slid the items over to the women.

“Look at these pictures,” Clarke mumbled as she briefly shuffled through the stacked photographs. They weren’t well kept, and some were stained with foreign substances, but the images were clear. For the first time, Clarke and Lexa had the opportunity to look through a small window and see what their children looked like before they met them.

Clarke felt tears well in her eyes as she looked at photos of Ontari as a baby, then a toddler, and then a young child. She went from small and chubby, to long and lanky. There were photos of her missing teeth, and others of her striking ridiculous poses. And then there was her smile. In every photo she had a wide smile, wider than Clarke had ever seen. It was untouched, unaltered, and straight from the heart.

It hurt to realize that Ontari may never be able to smile like that again, even if she was in a good situation. The world already broke her spirit; a part of her smile would always reflect that.

Shuffling some more, Clarke found a few photos of Madi. She was a tiny baby with wide blue eyes. And despite some time gapping the growth in her photos, Clarke was able to see baby Madi become the Madi she knows today. Her smile, thankfully, was still as bright as it was as a toddler. Clarke found some relief in the fact that the system, Simone, didn’t have a chance to completely destroy both her girls.

“I wonder who’s this was,” Lexa spoke up as she grabbed the old toy and stroked its pale-yellow fur.

“Probably Ontari’s. Madi has Pauna but I don’t think Ontari ever had a comfort item that she brought around,” Clarke said as she reached for the note with Ontari’s name on it.

The blonde thumbed it open and froze when she found out who the letter was from.

“Look at this,” Clarke said as she pointed at the signed portion of the letter.

“Beatrice wrote this,” Lexa said as she quickly scanned the letter for a date.

“She’s needed something like this. Something that could bring her real closure,” Clarke said as she started to smile lightly.

“She wrote it after the girls were taken the first time,” Lexa observed as she read the first bit of the letter. “Ontari’s really going to appreciate this. Thank you, Roan.”

The social worker smiled and nodded at the thanks.

“I know these last few months have been chaotic to say the least with Simone, but I just want to tell you now that I am here for your family and I will do what’s best for the girls,” Roan said as he began to pack up his bag in preparation to leave.

“We appreciate that,” Clarke said with a smile. “They need more people looking out for them.”

“Well, they clearly lucked out with you two,” Roan dismissed. “But I’m happy to step up for them as well.”

-----

When Ontari found Lexa during lunch, she was left with more questions than answers, not that it was the other woman’s intentions.

Lexa, who didn’t want to say anything without Clarke around, opted to tell Ontari that she had nothing to worry about, but that they needed to have a family meeting in order to go over a few things.

Having a family meeting was an entirely new concept to Ontari and she was rendered pretty useless for the rest of her school day as her anxiety gnawed at the pit of her stomach and made her too nauseous to even think about what her teachers had to say.

Lexa seemed to notice Ontari’s pallor and green tint when she met the two girls at her car at the end of the school day.

Ontari tried to bat off Lexa’s worried hand, but the older woman persisted until she landed her hand on Ontari’s forehead and then cheeks.

“Are you okay? You’re pale. Did you have a panic attack?” Lexa asked as she continued to feel for a fever.

“I’m just nervous,” Ontari dismissed as she pulled back from the hand and pulled at the car door handle. It was still locked so she gave it a few tugs as a hint to Lexa. “Can we please just go home?”

Lexa glanced at Madi to see if the little girl had a clue as to what was bugging Ontari, but the little girl was too invested in the small container of slime that she made in her science class.

“Okay,” Lexa relented as she unlocked her car and moved to get into the driver’s side. “Why’re you nervous?” Lexa decided to ask as she sat down and shut her door.

“Can we please just wait for mama to get home?” Ontari asked, almost desperately, as she tried to keep a handle on her emotions.

Lexa nodded her agreement and started the car after double-checking that both girls were buckled in.

“Clarke’s probably going to beat us home, anyway.”

“Why? Isn’t she at work?” Ontari asked as she began to shuffle in her seat a bit.

“She was. But she finished the piece she was working on and wanted to call it an early day.”

“So we have to talk when we get home?” Ontari asked, her wavering voice catching the ear of Lexa who furrowed her eyebrows.

“Okay, kiddo, I know you want to wait for Clarke, but there is something bothering you and I want to help. You can talk to me.”

“I just don’t know what you mean by family meeting,” Ontari revealed, though it cleared up very little for the older woman.

“We just have a few things we need to discuss as a family, that’s all,” Lexa promised, which made Ontari shake her head in the negative.

“That never ends well for me,” Ontari said, a frustrated edge coming to her voice.

The occasional squelch of Madi’s slime came to a halt when she heard her sister’s voice pick-up.

“Sweetheart, I told you earlier that you had nothing to worry about. I wouldn’t lie to you about that,” Lexa said as she reached out and gave the teen’s hand a comforting squeeze.

“'Trust', mom. I’m still working on trusting what you say,” Ontari said, finally voicing where her doubt came from. “And I don’t want you to think it’s because I don’t love you-,”

“Hey, hey, no,” Lexa quickly interrupted with a shake of her head. “I do not think that, Ontari. I know you love me, and I love you. I understand. Trust is still a work in progress for some things. I should’ve never been so vague about what happened with the social worker. I just wanted to wait until Clarke could be there.”

“You promise it isn’t anything bad?” Ontari asked as she glanced at Lexa while nervously chewing her bottom lip.

“Some news just takes a bit of time to digest. But all things considered, everything we will tell you is good.”

Ontari sighed out a breath of relief and nodded her understanding. She could already feel some of her colour return as her breathing regulated and the fog in her brain cleared.

The car ride that only took two minutes felt like an eternity until Lexa offered Ontari some explanation. Now, the teen was a bit more eager to learn about what happened, which prompted her to hurry inside the house the second that Lexa pulled up in front of it.

Lexa and Madi took their time to follow in, and by the time they entered, Clarke had already gotten Ontari situated in the living room with a big paper bag in front of her.

“First their things and then the news?” Clarke asked her wife after they quickly kissed each other in greeting.

“Sounds good,” Lexa agreed before joining Ontari in the living room.

“Mama, I made slime,” Madi proudly proclaimed as she held up her neon pink slime container.

“Look at that!” Clarke enthused as she stroked back some of the hair that slipped out of Madi’s braid. “Did your teacher show you how to do that?”

“Yup,” Madi agreed with a satisfied nod. “I can teach you and mommy and Tari. We just need chemicals and boogie-woogie monster snot.”

“That is a sweet thought, but chemicals and boogie-woogie monster snot doesn’t sound like a delightful mix. Why don’t we leave the slime making to Mr. Watson, yeah?”

“Okay,” Madi said with a shrug before skipping over to the living room as well. She clearly got the hint that everyone was needed to gather there. Clarke followed after her youngest and sat on the single, just diagonal to her girls.

“So, girls, mom and I had a visit with a social worker this morning, as you already know,” Clarke started to say, making both girls nod. “And we have a few things we need to talk about. The news is good, though, so I don’t want either of you to worry.”

“Ontari and I already had a chat about that in the car. Unfortunately, when I phrased this as a ‘family meeting’ she got nervous,” Lexa explained as she gave Ontari’s hand an apologetic squeeze.

“Family meeting? Really, Lex? You couldn’t think of a more basic traditional family thing for us to do?” Clarke asked with a playful roll of her eyes. “My mom tried hosting those. My dad and I made fun of her until she stopped, so it clearly wasn’t successful.”

“Well excuse me,” Lexa shot back. “As you remember, I went through like ten different homes as a kid. 90% of them hosted family meetings. I was doing what the majority did.”

“Do your parents even have family meetings?” Clarke asked, making her wife sigh before she flopped against the back of the couch.

“No,” the older woman huffed. “We have family interventions.”

“So, this is an intervention?” Ontari asked skeptically, reminding both women that she and Madi were still present.

“No, this is a discussion,” Clarke said.

“A family - meeting,” Lexa said, putting emphasis on both words to prove her point.

“Family meeting sounds boring,” Madi interjected. “Can we call it a family jamboree?”

“There’s no music,” Ontari reminded her little sister who shrugged before motioning to all three of them.

“We can put music. There’re three phones here,” Madi argued.

“Okay, we are getting way off topic,” Clarke said as she regained her family’s attention. “This discussion-,”

“Family meeting,” Lexa interrupted.

“Jamboree,” Madi added.

“Let’s call it a freaking circus and move it along,” Ontari sighed before motioning for her mama to continue.

“Thank you. Okay, so, the man you saw earlier was Roan. He’s from CPS and he had a few things to talk to us about. But first, we wanted you guys to have the things he brought from your mom’s apartment. Anything that had some connection to you two was thankfully saved,” Clarke explained as she shuffled the paper bag closer to the girls. “You can look at what’s inside.”

Ontari, always the more shy and reserved, held back as Madi started to pull things from the bag. First the baby hats, then the pictures, followed by the picture frame, note, and Winnie the pooh plush.

Madi, who seemed rather indifferent to the items, began to shuffle through the pictures.

Ontari, now being able to see the items laid out on the coffee table, swallowed thickly before grabbing the foot of the plush and pulling it onto her lap.

Her hands shook as she stroked the dusty old material before she grabbed the toy once more and pulled it towards her stomach.

Ontari shut her eyes and took a long, deep breath. She was grounding herself and allowing her emotions to flow before she proceeded to look at the other items.

Grabbing the letter now, Ontari seemed to freeze as she flipped it open to find who it was from.

“Mom,” Ontari whispered as she looked at the sighed portion.

“Do you want us to leave so you can read it?” Clarke asked as she reached up to wipe at the stray tear that ran down Ontari’s cheek.

“No,” Ontari breathed out as she quickly folded the letter back up and set it beside herself. “I’m not ready.”

“Do you want to look at the pictures?” Lexa asked as she motioned to the stack that Madi was still shuffling through. Once again, Ontari was quick to decline the offer.

“Can you tell me about what the social worker had to say?” Ontari asked as she continued to hug the old bear to her mid-section.

Clarke and Lexa briefly shared a glance before nodding and looking back at Ontari.

“Well, he wanted to let us know that he is legally your caseworker now-,” Lexa began to say before Ontari interrupted her.

“What about Simone?”

“She’s been removed from her position,” Clarke explained, before deciding to add some context. “CPS did an internal investigation and found out that she was working with un-licensed parents. She put a lot of kids in danger, including you and your sister.”

“Your license?” Ontari asked skeptically, making Clarke quickly shake her head.

“My license is good. Roan would’ve mentioned it if it wasn’t. But one of the homes you’ve been in was unlicensed,” Clarke explained, leaving it in the air briefly to see if Ontari could figure it out on her own.

“Mark and Nia?” the teen asked after a minute of thinking it over.

“Yeah, honey,” Clarke said with a weak nod of her head.

“She never checked on us,” Ontari said, mainly to herself as she began to rack through her memories. “Some homes she did it every month but in others… she just left us there until something really bad happened.”

“How many homes were like that? Do you remember?” Lexa asked, making the teen shrug.

“Four, maybe? I can’t believe she would fucking leave us like that,” Ontari seethed as she shook her head.

“Ontari,” Clarke began, only to stop herself when she realized that now wasn’t the time to chastise the kid for swearing. She had every right to. “You get to be upset. What Simone did was terrible, and dangerous, and so incredibly selfish.”

“So what now?” Ontari bitterly asked as she fought the tears that welled in her eyes. “Simone loses her stupid job and those awful people get to walk freely?”

It was clear that Ontari was angry by the news. She wanted justice for her pain, and Simone’s job loss wasn’t going to cut it.

“Mark and Nia were arrested,” Lexa said, almost instantly making the once seething teen simmer down. Unfortunately, she pulled herself into the opposite direction and began to suck in shallow breaths as a new wave of emotion flooded her.

“They did it again,” Ontari whimpered out as she began to realize how Mark and Nia ended up getting arrested. “They hurt another kid, didn’t they?”

Clarke, now sensing that this conversation was getting to a darker area that Madi shouldn’t be privy too, quickly turned to the little girl and asked her to go and start her homework in her room before she returned her attention to the teen.

“They did it again,” Ontari sobbed out once her sister left the space and she could allow all of her emotion to flood out of her. “I let them do it again.”

“No, sweetheart, this isn’t on you,” Lexa cooed as she set herself on the floor in front of Ontari while Clarke took to the child’s side.

“Even if you reported it, they were unlicensed and the only person that had control over them was Simone. She was going to keep placing kids in there no matter what you, or any other kid, said,” Lexa reminded, though it seemed to do little to calm the girl.

“I should’ve still said something,” Ontari continued to cry as she shook her head. “I could’ve protected someone else.”

“Baby,” Clarke sighed as she pulled the girl into her arms. Words seemed to do little to comfort Ontari at the moment, but physical love would make all the difference.

Ontari was quick to turn and hug her mama back, allowing all of her frustration, sadness, and pain flood out of her with each sob.

Ontari wasn’t sure how long Clarke and Lexa sat with her for. But she needed the comfort more than anything else, and her mom and mama were willing to give it to her by the bucket full.

“This wasn’t on you,” Lexa promised as she pressed a loving kiss to the side of Ontari’s head. “You survived Mark and Nia, and you survived the system. Now that Simone is out of the way, that means that other kids can survive it too.”

“You said it was good news,” Ontari whimpered out. It nearly broke Clarke and Lexa’s hearts when they realized the accusation was true. They said it was good news, but there was some bad in the middle of it too.

“It’s good because it’s over,” Clarke began to say as she stroked back some of Ontari’s hair. “But sometimes you need to face the bad to see the good. It’s there, Ontari. I promise. You just have to look a little deeper.”

Ontari nodded her understanding before she cuddled a bit closer to her mama. She began to regain some control over her emotions as she shuffled through her thoughts to find the good.

Whoever fell victim to Mark and Nia must be in pain right now. Ontari can sympathize with them. But then she remembered what it was like to be in the back of Simone’s car as they drove away from the house. To look back at what could only be thought of as her worst nightmare and see it grow smaller and smaller until it disappeared entirely. To feel the relief flood her before the dread of what was to come filled her back up again.

But this was different. Ontari knew to expect something bad because she was with Simone, but whoever was with Mark and Nia last got something that Ontari didn’t.

A chance to feel peace.

Driving away from that house must’ve felt like driving away from all the bad that Simone let happen, and Ontari knew, she just knew, that the child must’ve been so relieved that they cried.

And that’s when she realized that her own tears weren’t all due to her sadness. Some of them were from her relief too. She was relieved to be free of Simone. Relieved to know her worst nightmares were being punished for their crimes. Relieved to know that maybe, just maybe, this made her free.

-----

After the family discussion - meeting, jamboree, circus - Ontari decided to not let anything she heard or received that day alter her life in any negative way. It would give too much power to those who hurt her, and she wasn’t willing to do that.

Ontari allowed her moms to keep the photos and baby hats, while she set her pooh bear onto her bed and the letter from her mom into a drawer until she felt brave enough to read it.

And their lives carried on as normal.

Roan conducted his necessary evaluations and meetings, though these seemed to go over both girls’ heads as they deduced that it was appropriate to have their social worker be more present in their lives. Neither was aware that Roan’s regular appearance was due to his rushed efforts to get them an adoption date.

Not a month later, Roan performed the miracle of a lifetime and got Clarke and Lexa the date for the adoption. What Simone refused to do in nine months, Roan did in one, and both women were incredibly grateful for his efforts.

Christmas was the following day, and Clarke and Lexa were just given the best gift they could not only receive but give to their children as well.

Christmas morning, Madi was the first one to rise. She giggled wildly as she quickly jumped from her bed to Ontari’s, earning a grunt front the teen that received the heavy impact of her little sister to her mid-section.

“Ribs, Mads,” Ontari coughed out as she rolled her sister off of her.

“Santa came!” Madi insisted before she scurried off the bed and out of the room, no doubt with the intention to do the same wake up all to her moms as well.

Ontari rolled until she fell off the edge of her bed. She laid on the floor of her room and looked up at the ceiling until she heard both Clarke and Lexa loudly groan at their rude wake-up calls as well.

“Madi,” Clarke whined in the distance.

“What did we say about keeping the ninja kicks to a minimum?” Lexa followed up with. Madi broke out into a fit of giggles as she was no doubt tickled by the two women.

Ontari giggled herself as she heard the delight in Madi’s laughter.

Just as quickly as it started, however, Madi was insisting that Santa came and that everyone had to go downstairs.

The sound of running feet had Ontari sitting up quickly in preparation for another surprise attack. She tensed up when the door was pushed open quickly and shut her eyes as a way to brace for impact.

“Ribs-,” Ontari quickly said before she realized that Madi’s running had gone down the stairs and that the person at the door was one of her moms.

“She got you too?” Lexa asked with an amused smirk as she approached the teen and offered her a hand. Ontari nodded as she grasped her mom’s hand and allowed the older woman to hoist her to her feet.

“Square on the plates,” Ontari explained as she allowed Lexa to hug her before they started to head for the kitchen.

“She punched Clarke’s chest pretty aggressively. Maybe you two can share war stories,” Lexa said with a laugh.

“It wasn’t funny, Lex,” Clarke pouted as she caught the tail end of her wife’s sentence.

“It was pretty funny,” Lexa concurred as she allowed Ontari and Clarke to hug.

“Merry Christmas, my girl,” Clarke said as she hugged the teen tightly before kissing the side of her head.

“Merry Christmas, mama,” Ontari returned before releasing the embrace.

“I know we agreed to do gifts after breakfast, but your mom and I have something that we want you two to open now,” Clarke explained as she began to lead Ontari over to the tree that Madi was already sorting through.

“Hey missy, don’t go sneaking any presents yet,” Lexa said as she playfully tickled Madi’s sides, making the girl fall into another fit of giggles.

“I’m not!” Madi insisted past her laughter before she sighed out in relief when Lexa finally let up.

“That’s what I thought,” Lexa said playfully before she sat on the couch and watched as Clarke retrieved the wrapped manila folder that they set under the tree. Clarke also joined Lexa on the couch with Ontari following close behind.

“Who’s that for, mama?” Madi asked as she moved to sit on Lexa’s lap. The little one looked at the to/from tag and read it out loud. “To: Madi and Ontari. From: mommy and mama. Is it a puppy?”

Clarke, Lexa, and Ontari all rolled their eyes in unison as they laughed at the question.

“You are a smart child but that is a very silly question,” Lexa said as she grabbed the folder. “How does a puppy even fit in here, Mads?”

“You shrunk it down real small,” Madi explained as she pinched her fingers together.

“And how do you unshrink a shrunken puppy?” Ontari asked her sister who sighed in exasperation.

“Put it in water, duh?!”

“Yeah, Ontari. Duh,” Clarke teased as she gently nudged Ontari. “Now, why don’t you two actually open the gift to see what’s inside?”

Ontari shrugged and nodded before allowing Madi to do the honours.

Madi ripped into the wrapping paper and turned the manila folder open to find a document inside it.

“Notice of adoption,” Madi began to read aloud. “of Ontari Neva Norwood and Madi Flo Norwood.”

“What?” Ontari asked as she quickly stood up and went to her sister’s side to see the form.

“Please present yourselves,” Madi continued to read slowly as Ontari scanned the document at a lightning speed.

“On February 14th,” both Madi and Ontari said at the same time.

Madi carried on her reading while Ontari took a step back and began to pace.

“Wait? Does this mean we’re getting adopted?” Madi asked as she stopped her needless reading of the legalities of the situation.

“Yeah, baby,” Clarke said excitedly as she cupped the child’s cheeks. “You’re going to officially be a Woods-Griffin.”

“We’re getting adopted!” Madi cheered as she jumped off Lexa’s lap and began to run around the living room in glee.

“Ontari,” Lexa spoke up when she realized that the teen hadn’t fully responded to what she just learned.

“It’s happening?” Ontari asked as she continued her pacing, not even batting an eye as her sister ran past her several times.

“Yeah, sweetheart,” Clarke said as she extended the document out to the teen. “We’ve got a date and everything.”

Ontari took the paper and read over it once more.

Notice of adoption.

Notice of adoption.

Notice of adoption.

Ontari read the same line over and over before it became so overwhelming that she had to sit.

Not finding any better place than where she stood, Ontari sank to her knees and continued reading the same line.

“Sweetheart,” Lexa said in concern as she and Clarke crouched by the semi-catatonic teen.

“This is really happening?” Ontari asked as she held the paper close to her chest.

“Yeah, my girl. It’s really happening,” Clarke affirmed, hoping with every fiber of her being that this is what Ontari wanted.

“You’re-,” Ontari began to say before a sob broke past her lips.

Clarke and Lexa both froze as they realized that maybe Ontari wouldnt' want this. Maybe she preferred to just live with them without any legal bounds that kept her there forever. This gift that they thought would bring the teen joy might've been what she wanted the least.

Ontari stifled her sobs and took in a shaky breath before continuing her thought. “You’re going to be my mommies.”

The relief that flooded both women was so immense that they couldn’t stop themselves from crying as well.

“Yeah, baby,” Clarke cooed as she pulled the girl close. “We’re going to be your mommies.”

“Why are you all crying?” Madi asked worriedly as she stopped her sprinting and looked at her moms and sister.

“We’re just happy,” Lexa explained as she wiped her cheeks before pulling Madi into her arms. Lexa moved herself and Madi closer to her wife and other kid before forming a large group hug.

Ontari continued to cry until she felt Madi’s little hand reach up to pat her wet cheek.

“Don’t cry, Tari. This is good. We get to stay here.”

“I know it’s good,” Ontari affirmed as she pressed a kiss to the palm of her sister’s hand. “This is it, Madi. This is our forever family.”

Notes:

one more chapter, guys.

i can't believe we're almost at the end. i've loved writing every chapter of this story and sharing it with you all. you're an incredible audience and i'm so grateful to have all of your support.

everything is being wrapped up. loose ends are being tied. and while i could conclude this in a simple way, i say we go out with a bang this coming friday.

until the next update :)

val

Chapter 31: to build a home

Notes:

there is a house built out of stone
wooden floors, walls and window sills
tables and chairs worn by all of the dust

this is a place where i don't feel alone
this is a place where i feel at home

'cause, i built a home
for you
for me

-to build a home by cinematic orchestra

for the best reading experience, play Take Yours by Matthew Mole when it's played in the story, and To Build A Home by The Cinematic Orchestra when i tell you to at the page break.

Ontari was nervous. It had been 4 months since she’d last stepped on the ice, and despite getting the all clear, the teen was still worried that she wasn’t ready yet.

Her ribs, despite still having plates for another nine months, were fully healed and able to handle the physical pressure that came with the sport.

But Ontari would be lying if she said she wasn’t scared. Her aggression, the thing that protected her from other players and from getting hurt, just wasn’t there anymore. She wasn’t angry at the world, which means she couldn’t be angry on the ice.

Without her aggression, Ontari felt vulnerable, but she had little time to dwell on this concern as Luna was beckoning her onto the ice.

This was a private practice, an opportunity for Ontari to get the feel for the sport again before introducing the team elements. She would just do a few drills and re-acquaint herself with her stick and her puck.

But Ontari couldn’t help but hesitate before she let her first skate touch the ice.

“I can’t do it,” Ontari blurted out as she hovered by the baseboard and looked at her coach who was in the middle of the rink.

“Yes, you can,” Luna said, only to receive a shake of Ontari’s head in the negative.

“I won’t be the same.”

Luna briefly glanced at Lexa who was seated on the benches before deciding to include her sister in her next point.

“Lex, when was the last time you played hockey?” Luna called out.

“Like two years ago? A bit longer maybe,” Lexa answered as she approached the player's box to better converse with her sister and kid. “Why?”

“Take my skates,” Luna instructed as she skated to the player’s box and entered it. Ontari, who made room for her to enter, stared at her coach in confusion as the woman sat on the bench and began to undo the laces of her skates.

“But you’re the coach,” Lexa said despite kicking off her shoes and sitting next to Luna.

“Yes, and you’re her mother. Ontari, if your mom can go back onto the ice after not playing for two years, you can go back out there after four months,” Luna encouraged as she kicked off her final skate and handed it off to Lexa.

Luna slipped on her sister’s shoes before approaching Ontari who still stood nervously by the edge of the ice.

“I know you’re worried that you won’t be as good, but I promise you it’s nothing we can’t work with. Sure, you’ll be a little bit rusty, but that’s what today is for. We’re here to work out your muscles and get re-acquainted with the ice, okay?”

Ontari hesitated before nodding. She glanced behind Luna to see her mom lace up her last skate before she stood up and approached the two of them.

“Alright, kiddo. Ready to get out there?” Lexa asked as she wobbled a bit on her skates before coming up to the edge of the ice.

“Safety first,” Luna sing-songed as she grabbed a helmet from the bench and popped it onto the older woman’s head.

Lexa rolled her eyes but clipped the chin strap into place before finally stepping onto the ice.

Despite feeling a bit unsteady, Lexa was quick to find her balance. She did a small circle before returning to Ontari who was waiting for her at the boards.

With outstretched hands, Lexa approached Ontari and offered her a comforting smile.

“We’ll take it slowly,” Lexa promised as she waited for her kid’s hands to grasp onto her own.

Ontari took one steadying breath, and then another, before she reached out her own hands and grabbed to Lexa’s.

Slowly, Lexa skated backwards and led Ontari towards the middle of the ice.

“You’re doing it,” Lexa encouraged softly, her smile growing as she watched one appear on Ontari’s face.

“I’m doing it,” Ontari breathed out as a relieved laugh slipped past her lips and she slowly released her grip on Lexa’s hands. “I’m finally doing it.”

Lexa also began to lessen her hold on the teen until Ontari was skating around independently with more conviction behind each push of her skates.

“That’s my girl!” Luna cheered from the player's box as Ontari took a victorious skate around the rink.

“What’re we waiting for? Let’s grab our sticks,” Ontari enthused as she hurried back to her coach to grab her stick so they could start their drills.

“Ontari, look this way,” Lexa called out as she pulled up her phone to record the moment. “Your mama is going to love this.”

Ontari, now with a stick at hand and a puck in front of her, waved at her mom before she started to maneuver the puck around the ice and towards one of the nets.

Lexa took a moment to record Ontari going over some of her basic drills. She got a solid two-minute video before Ontari abandoned her drills and grabbed the other stick from Luna.

Lexa stopped recording as her kid came to a stop in front of her with the stick outstretched as an offering.

“One on one?” Ontari asked, making her mom laugh and nod in agreement.

“I’m not going to go easy on you,” Lexa warned as she quickly sent the video off to Clarke before she pocketed her phone and grabbed the stick.

Luna, who was watching on in amusement, decided to give her niece some advice. “Go easy on her, kid. Lex is a sore loser.”

“Am not,” Lexa practically whined as she joined Ontari at the center of the ice.

“That’s the same tone you had when you lost at Scrabble last night,” Ontari teased as she handed the puck over to Luna who had walked onto the ice to help them face off.

“That game is designed to break relationships,” Lexa said with a huff. “Besides, I would’ve won if it weren’t for Madi.”

“You guys lost to a seven-year-old?” Luna asked incredulously, making Ontari and Lexa roll their eyes.

“She has a vast vocabulary,” Ontari dismissed.

“You’re an English teacher,” Luna reminded her sister who couldn’t help but give her a slight shove in response.

“Just drop the damn puck already,” Lexa said as she set her stick in the center.

“Don’t cry too hard when my player beats you,” Luna said before dropping the puck and allowing her niece and sister to have at it.

Despite their banter, Ontari felt a wave of relief wash over her as she quickly took possession of the puck and found that many of her foundational skills were still in working order.

She moved with an ease that she thought she’d lost. The aggression wasn’t there, but the passion was, and Ontari was pleased to find that it was enough to make her move like she did before.

-----

At a park not too far from the rink, Clarke fondly watched as Madi and Hope played together on the jungle gym.

Octavia and Raven agreed to join the blonde as emotional support since Clarke was far too nervous to watch Ontari’s first time back on the ice. She knew that her nervous energy would do very little to help Ontari who was also on the edge, and she trusted Lexa to offer all the support that Ontari could need.

Instead of burdening Ontari with more worries, the blonde placed herself somewhere that was far away enough to keep her negative energy away, but close enough that she could get to her kid if she really needed her.

For the most part, Octavia and Raven were doing a great job of keeping Clarke’s mind off of things as they talked about everything going on in their lives. The light chatting and her continuous observation of Madi and Hope running around together was eventually enough to ease the blonde’s worries.

When it seemed like Clarke had completely returned to earth, Octavia decided to share some news that she’d been sitting with.

“Diyoza is coming back in a month,” Octavia revealed as she briefly glanced at Hope.

“Really?” Clarke asked.

“When did you find out?” Raven followed up with, making Octavia look at them again.

“A few days ago. It’s really shifted things for me and Linc,” Octavia said.

“Shifted things how?” Clarke pressed, making her younger friend shrug.

“We’ve been talking and we realized how much we love our relationship when it’s like this. Y’know, when we have someone to take care of together.”

“I can’t tell if that’s a good thing,” Raven said cautiously as she suspiciously looked to Clarke who could only shrug unsurely as well.

“I mean, we’d be fine without a kid too,” Octavia quickly followed up. “We’re solid, always have been. I guess what I’m saying is, we aren’t ready to give up the routine we have with a kid in it yet.”

“So, what’re you thinking of doing then?” Clarke asked as she recognized the glint of a brewing idea in Octavia’s eyes.

“Lincoln proposed that we look into getting our foster licenses. I know we aren’t married yet or anything like that, but this isn’t with the intention of building a family. If it happens it happens, but we’re really just interested in offering a temporary place for kids before they find their forever families,” Octavia explained, making Raven smirk and Clarke smile widely.

“That’s amazing, O,” Clarke encouraged as she pulled her friend into a side hug.

“Raven?” Octavia asked as she looked at her friend who was still smirking suspiciously. “Shit, you think this is a bad idea, don’t you?”

“No, no, no,” Raven rushed out. “Not at all. I think it’s great. You just remind me of Clarke two years ago. She said the same thing about fostering with the intention to offer a temporary home and look at her now. Married and with two kids.”

“And?” Clarke asked, only to receive a shrug from Raven.

“I’m in full support of it because, despite some of the hard stuff, this is the happiest I’ve ever seen Clarke and I hope that you get the same experience out of it,” Raven said to Octavia who audibly awed before hugging her as well.

“Again, Linc and I aren’t aiming to adopt quite yet,” Octavia said to both women who could only roll their eyes in response.

“Just you wait,” Clarke warned as she fondly looked at Madi who was giggling hysterically at something Hope said. “They can steal your heart without you even knowing it.”

-----

A few hours later, after Madi had spent all of her energy in the park, and Clarke received a text from Lexa that Ontari had spent all her enery on the ice, the blonde drove back to the rink to pick up her two other girls and take them home.

Pulling up to the rink entrance, Clarke parked her car and exited to pop the trunk for Ontari who had some of her gear.

“Did you see me?” Ontari asked as she left the building with Lexa in tow.

“I did!” Clarke enthused as she hurried to pull her daughter into an embrace. “You looked so good out there,” Clarke said in reference to the videos that both Lexa and Luna had sent her.

“What about me?” Lexa teased as she playfully winked at her wife who could only roll her eyes before she kissed her in greeting.

“Not bad for someone your age,” Clarke jabbed as she took Ontari’s things to load up in the car.

“Someone my age?” Lexa asked indignantly as Ontari giggled. “Uh-uh, don’t you start,” Lexa warned the teen before she playfully jabbed her side. Ontari couldn’t help herself as more laughter fell from her mouth. “I am only two years older than you, Clarke,” Lexa said as she returned her attention to her wife who was shutting the trunk.

“And if you had put me out there, I would’ve broken a hip,” Clarke said as if to further prove her point.

“So, this is what marriage does? It ages us when we’re only in our early thirties?” Lexa asked Clarke who sighed out a laugh before she pulled her closer by the loops of her jeans.

“Only if we let it,” Clarke said as she double-checked that Ontari was in the car before she pulled Lexa in for a more languid kiss.

Lexa, who was previously worried about the age joke, allowed herself to briefly get lost in the kiss as she cupped Clarke’s face in an effort to pull her closer.

Not even ten seconds later, the honking of their car startled them apart. Clarke rushed to fix her hair that Lexa managed to messy with her fingertips as she glanced through the trunk window to see Ontari shaking her head at them.

“Stop sucking face!” Ontari hollered from inside the car.

“Yeah! No eating face!” Madi agreed, making both women laugh as they straightened themselves up and moved to get into the car.

“You guys are worse than teenagers,” Ontari scoffed as her moms took their seats and buckled in.

“See, babe. Marriage doesn’t age us,” Clarke said to Lexa who laughed in agreement and started the car.

“It should,” Ontari said matter-of-factly as she leaned forward and grabbed the aux chord from the center console.

“Hey, who said you got to pick the music?” Clarke asked as she bopped Ontari’s nose. “Also, you better have that seatbelt on in two seconds, young lady.”

Ontari laughed as she shuffled her playlist and sat back. “I already have it on,” Ontari said as she tugged on the strap across her chest.

“I’m glad you don’t listen to screaming music anymore, Tari,” Madi said as she nodded her head along to the song that played through the car.

“Me too,” Clarke agreed as she briefly turned in her seat to look at both of her girls. “Hearing aids would’ve been too expensive.”

“I don’t miss that heavy metal stuff,” Ontari said as she also gently nodded her head along to the music. “This stuff is better. It’s peaceful.”

“Peaceful is good,” Lexa agreed as she continued to drive home.

“Makes me feel warm,” Madi said as she smiled fondly and looked out the window.

“Me too,” Ontari agreed as she grabbed her little sister’s hand.

The four occupants of the car fell silent as they allowed the peaceful music to wash over them. Lexa, who didn’t want this to end just yet, decided to take a few extra turns to lengthen their ride. Just a few extra minutes of time like this. Just a few extra minutes of warmth.

That was all they needed.

-----

The following week, Ontari had her first official practice with her team. To her advantage, Ontari had Adria and Luna as constant presences in her life and was able to stay up to date with team information. As of recent, Shay left the team, and in her place came a new player by the name of Callie.

Adria insisted that Callie was much nicer than Shay and was a great team player, but Ontari couldn’t help her hesitation. New people always have and always will be a challenge for Ontari to get comfortable with, and, despite her better judgment, the teen threw her walls all the way up as she entered the changing room and spotted the new person sitting where she usually did.

Deciding to not bother with getting her place back, Ontari shuffled over to Shay’s old spot and sat herself down before she riffled through her bag.

“Ontari, right?” A voice asked, making Ontari glance up to meet the bright brown eyes in front of her.

“Yeah,” Ontari shortly replied before she re-busied herself with her bag.

“Callie Cadogan,” the girl continued as she stuck out a hand. Ontari froze as she glanced at the extended hand before looking back up at Callie’s face once again. “The other girls have said so many good things about you. Sorry to hear about your injury.”

Ontari, who was already of few words, was shocked by the tangents that Callie could go on. She seemed to have something always ready to say. Maybe Callie didn’t like silence.

Realizing that the other girl was still awaiting a handshake, Ontari allowed her hand to weakly grasp onto the extended one of Callie.

Callie’s smile widened as she shook Ontari’s hand.

“So, how’re you doing now? No residual damage?” Callie asked as she clipped her shoulder pads into place.

“I’m good. I’ve still got some plates in for a few more months,” Ontari said, deciding to meet Callie halfway and supply a fuller response.

“Sick. You’re part robot then,” Callie said with a small laugh. To her surpise, Ontari allowed a smile to slip her as well as she nodded her agreement.

“That’s what my little sister believes,” Ontari agreed and she started to change into her gear.

“Madi, right?” Callie asked, making Ontari freeze a bit.

“Um… how-?”

“Luna always shares funny stories about her. She sounds like a real fire-cracker.”

“Does she talk about us a lot?” Ontari asked, making Callie shake her head in the negative.

“Nah. It’s just the occasional story here or there about her favourite nieces,” Callie said as she shot a playful wink Ontari’s direction. “Are there any perks there? Being the niece of the coach I mean?”

“The blackmail content,” Adria spoke up as she started to tie her skates. “Luna and her siblings are constantly giving us enough info about one another to hold against them for years.”

“Nice,” Callie said with a nod. “Any way I can get in on that?”

“Submit your application to Luna directly to be considered for a roll as a new family member,” Adria joked, making Callie laugh and Ontari smile weakly.

“Is there an audition process?” Callie asked, mainly to Ontari who could only supply a shrug.

“A rigorous one,” Adria said as she finally stood up and started to head for the door. “I’ll see you guys on the ice.”

Callie waved to Adria before she grabbed her own helmet and stick in preparation to leave the changing room as well.

“You don’t say much,” Callie observed as Ontari tied off her last skate.

“I’m not much of a talker,” Ontari supplied with a shrug.

“Everyone’s chatty. You just have to get to the right conversation.”

“Not me,” Ontari said with a shake of her head.

“Hmm, we’ll see,” Callie said ominously as she stood up. “Y’know, I think we’re going to be really good friends in no time.”

Ontari paused her actions of packing up her regular clothes and looked at the other girl in slight confusion.

“What makes you say that?” Ontari asked. She wasn’t anything special, and her lack of conversation skills would deter many people her own age from pursuing further relations.

Callie took in a long breath before smiling widely. “I am a very intuitive person. And I just know these things.”

Despite her best efforts, Ontari was a bit awe-struck by the idea of someone wanting to be her friend. In hindsight, the girl never had a proper friend. As a kid, she was too shy to try to make any, and as a teen, she was too closed off to even allow others to get close.

Adria was a friend, but that was almost by obligation if Ontari were being honest. She appreciated Adria, but she wasn’t sure if the girl reciprocated that feeling and felt like her friend by choice.

But here Callie was, completely new and completely blind to all of Ontari’s insecurities. She carried herself with a confidence that suggested that she was right; they were going to be friends because Callie said so, no ifs, ands, or buts.

Still a bit dumbfounded by Callie’s forwardness and insistence that they were going to be friends, Ontari found herself tongue-tied and unable to respond. Thankfully, Luna decided to enter the changing room and clap her hands together before waving them in a ‘hurry up’ motion.

“C’mon, ladies. We don’t have all day,” Luna addressed the six straggling players.

“Coach, did you get my jersey in yet?” Callie asked as she walked over to Luna who grinned and grabbed one of the jerseys that were hung over her shoulder.

“Fresh from the factory,” Luna said as she unfolded the material to reveal the number 23 with Cadogan written over top it.

“Gotta love that industrial smell,” Callie said as she quickly tugged the item over her head and glanced down to check the fit. “It’s perfect. Thanks, Luna.”

Luna nodded and patted Callie’s shoulder, a silent encouragement for the teen to get a move on.

Ontari, who was now the last one in the changing room, glanced up at Luna as the older woman approached the bench and sat next to her.

“How’re you feeling?” Luna asked as she gently rubbed Ontari’s back.

“A bit nervous. I know I destroyed my mom at that mock game last week, but she hasn’t played in a while. The other girls have been playing this whole time and I’m worried I won’t be as good as them anymore.”

“Hey, I’ll take anything you can give me right now,” Luna said as she moved her hand onto Ontari’s shoulder pad where she gave the girl a gentle shake. “This team needs you and I need you. We want to get to the finals again this year, don’t we?”

“Yeah,” Ontari said with a small smile as she nodded her agreement.

“Just remember to breathe and communicate with your team,” Luna reminded before she grabbed the jersey from over her shoulder. “I’m still waiting for your proper jersey to come in with your name and whatnot, but this’ll have to do for now.”

When her injury happened, Ontari’s old jersey was cut open on the ride over to the hospital and, as a consequence, was tossed out without anyone knowing.

Deciding to not dwell too much on the past, Ontari accepted the plain team-jersey from her coach and briefly looked at the team symbol before she pulled the material over her head.

“Good to see you in our blue again, Griffin,” Luna said as she smiled kindly at her player.

“I’m not a Griffin yet,” Ontari reminded, though it was more for herself than it was for Luna. Ontari, despite her best efforts, was still a pessimist and worried that getting too excited about her adoption day would cause something to happen to prevent it.

“Yet,” Luna said as she pumped her shoulder into Ontari’s. “Only a few more weeks, right?”

“Right,” Ontari agreed as she grabbed her stick.

“Alrighty then. Let’s go kill this practice, yeah?”

Ontari nodded her agreement and stood up. With her helmet and stick at hand, and her coach in tow, Ontari headed towards the rink and mentally prepared herself for the practice that was going to either make or break her confidence for the rest of the season.

Despite the seriousness of the situation, Ontari couldn’t help but let her mind wander as she stepped onto the ice to start her drills. Callie was there, and she was smiling at her as she quickly approached with a puck being pushed around in front of her by her stick.

“What do you say to being my partner for the drills?” Callie asked as she came to stop in front of Ontari.

“Okay,” Ontari agreed, making Callie smile wider, if that were even possible.

“See! Ontari, this is the start of a beautiful friendship,” Callie enthused as she passed the puck off to Ontari before she started to skate away.

To Ontari’s surprise, she wasn’t scared of the prospect of a new relationship. In fact, she felt excited. A beautiful friendship. She could use one of those.

-----

Later that evening, as the family of four sat for dinner and shared bits and pieces about their days, Clarke could tell that Ontari was hiding something.

It wasn’t anything bad, at least as far as she could tell, but Ontari was definitely mulling over something and she seemed happier than usual.

“And that’s when Mr. Watson told me to do the spelling bee,” Madi recounted as she spoke about her school day. “It’s only for third graders and older but he said my spelling is really good.”

“That’s amazing, Madi,” Clarke encouraged as she turned her full attention to Madi. Ontari’s secrets could wait a few more minutes.

“Did you know spelling bees aren’t actually about bees?” Madi asked as she forked some salmon into her mouth.

“Really?” Lexa asked in feign shock. “What’s a spelling bee about then?” the Enlgish teacher asked, opting to humour Madi for a few more minutes.

“It’s about spelling really weird words and beating other peoples butts,” Madi said with a proud nod; her confidence made Lexa and Clarke laugh as they shared a glance.

“I’m sure there’s a nicer way to say ‘beating other people’s butts’,” Clarke gently reminded.

“Yeah it’s called ‘kicking ass’,” Ontari supplied with a satisfied grin.

“Hey,” both Clarke and Lexa said with disapproving shakes of their head.

“Ass. A-S-S,” Madi spelled before looking to her sister for approval.

“Spot on,” Ontari said as she gently ruffled Madi’s hair.

“We don’t say ass,” Lexa said in the most parental tone she could force.

“You just said it,” Ontari cheekily reminded.

“We’re adults,” Clarke said, making the teen roll her eyes playfully.

“Madi, spell ‘excuses’,” Ontari told her sister as she shot her moms a triumphant smirk.

“Excuses. E-X-C-U-S-E-S,” Madi spelt out, earning a nod of approval from the other three people at the table. “I’m going to kick ass at the spelling bee,” Madi said with a proud nod of her head.

“Madi,” Lexa warned making the girl sigh before she raised her hands in mock surrender.

“Sorry, sorry,” the little girl said before returning to her food. “I can’t wait to be a grown-up to say those words.”

“You know more?” Clarke asked, making Ontari laugh and Madi point at the teen.

“She taught me lots of ‘em,” Madi explained, making both her mothers sigh.

“Just don’t say them around other kids or your teachers,” Lexa practically begged.

“Or around the family. Just keep them to yourself, yeah?” Clarke asked, making the little girl nod her agreement.

“Okie dokie,” Madi said, allowing the conversation to end there.

“What about you, Ontari?” Lexa asked as she nodded her head to the teen and gently nudged her foot under the table. “You’ve been awfully perky this evening.”

“You noticed too?!” Clarke asked excitedly, making Ontari blush profusely while her mothers giddily shared their abilities to detect anything.

“I just had a really good practice,” Ontari excused as she looked down at her plate and tried to hide her smile.

“I’ve seen you win whole hockey games and not smile like this. Something crazy must’ve happened at a practice to warrant this response,” Clarke said as she used her fork to motion at her kid’s joyful face.

“I just…” Ontari started to say before she paused and shrugged. “I made my first friend today. Like a proper friend. I’ve never had one before,” Ontari revealed making both her mothers smiles soften as they shared a quick glance.

“Baby,” Clarke cooed as she got up and quickly hugged her kid from behind her seat. “I’m so happy to hear that.”

“Is it the new girl?” Lexa asked as she smiled fondly at Clarke embracing a still blushing Ontari.

“Yeah,” Ontari said before laughing a bit once Clarke released her mama bear hug. “Her name’s Callie and she insisted that we were going to be best friends. She didn’t even mind that I don’t talk a lot.”

Clarke, who looked like she was going to melt at any moment, finally reset herself at her seat and grabbed her fork once more. “You’re welcome to bring her over whenever you’d like. And if you want to hang out anywhere just let mom or me know and we can drive you,” Clarke said, making the teen nod gratefully.

“I think it’s just a club friendship for now. But Callie is pretty bossy, in a good way, so she might convince me to hang out off the ice.”

“Look at our girls, Lex,” Clarke said proudly as she paused to admire her two daughters. “We’re just killing it as a family right now, aren’t we?”

“I just made a friend,” Ontari said, waving off the compliment.

But to Clarke it was much more. She knew that she’d already missed many of the girls’ firsts. She’s missed first words and first steps, first days of school and first holidays, but this was different. She got to see Ontari making her first friend. It was a first that she didn’t miss, and Clarke was so incredibly grateful for that.

Not to mention, she knew that her kid was healing more that she was showing. Despite Ontari still refusing to interact with her peers at school, she was clearly opening up more in intimate settings. And if she allowed a perfect stranger to be her best friend in less than three hours, then it was clear that she did a lot of growing in the last few months.

So, to Clarke this was more than just ‘making a friend’. It was a first that she got to cherish for eternity, and Clarke was so grateful for that.

“You did more than that,” Clarke said as she grasped her kid’s hand lovingly. “I’m so proud of you for opening up to new people. And Madi, I am so incredibly proud of you for trying new things. You are so smart and I’m happy that Mr. Watson sees that too. You are going to kick ass at your spelling bee.”

“You said ass!” Madi cheerfully said as she clapped her hands and giggled.

“Adult,” Lexa said as she pointed to herself. “Child,” Lexa then said as she bopped Madi’s nose.

“Mommy,” Madi corrected as she returned the gesture and bopped Lexa’s nose before turning her finger on herself, "Madi."

“Your argument is still invalid. No swearing,” Lexa said with finality before she lovingly stroked Madi’s head.

“Darn,” Madi said as she crinkled her nose.

“You know, instead of saying ‘darn’ there’s a word that’s like a half-swear but isn’t really bad,” Ontari started to say before both her moms shot her warning looks.

“Ontari,” Lexa and Clarke said in unison, making the teen fall into a fit of giggles.

“I’m sure kidding,” Ontari said past her laughter. “She already knows that one too!”

“Damn,” Madi said, once more making her mothers sigh.

Clarke rested her head in her hands and gently tugged at her roots. “Grey hair. You children are giving me grey hair.”

-----

This was it.

The day had come for Ontari and Madi to officially be adopted into the family, and as per usual, the chaos followed them all the way to courtroom on the morning of February 14th.

It was 9am, and in order to look like a presentable bunch, the family of four woke up at 6am which earned them a cranky child and an even crankier teenager.

The crankiness, however, was thankfully abandoned as soon as the station wagon pulled into a parking spot at the courthouse and both girls glanced out their windows to see the big building before them.

“It looks scary,” Ontari observed as she looked at the cold beige walls and the industrial paneled windows that framed the large entrance.

“Well, nothing scary is happening in there,” Clarke promised as she turned in the front seat and gently squeezed Ontari’s knee. “This is a good memory. We’ll make it a good memory.”

Ontari smiled at her mama’s efforts to make her feel better and nodded her agreement before glancing out her window once more.

“We don’t want to be late,” Lexa said as she unclipped her seatbelt and stepped out of the car. Madi and Clarke quickly followed, and after three steadying breaths, Ontari emerged from the vehicle as well.

“Look who’s finally here,” Octavia jeered as she approached the family from where she stood at the steps.

By the looks of it, most of the family already beat them to the courthouse. Even Murphy and Emori, who were juggling being brand new parents, managed to get themselves and baby Otan (named after Emori’s departed brother) ready for the early court date.

“We had two grouches to hurry out of the house,” Clarke explained as she pointed to both girls with a laugh.

“You’re one to talk, Clarke,” Raven said as she approached the family of four as well. “I’m sure you were no ray of sunshine a few hours ago.”

“She’s not wrong,” Lexa said, moving away from Clarke before she could swat her arm as a laugh slipped past her lips.

“Who’re we missing?” Clarke asked as she glanced at the group that had gathered.

“Bell and Echo are on their way. Eira had a blow-out as they were leaving the house and they had to change her,” Octavia explained. “Indra and Gustus are two minutes away. Abby and Marcus aren’t too far behind them. And Diyoza and Hope went inside to use the restroom but that’s it for the group.”

“Perfect,” Clarke said with a satisfied nod before she motioned towards Murphy and Emori. “I’m going to quickly give Otan a squeeze before we have to head inside.” Octavia, Raven and Lexa laughed at the blonde who hurried away. Ontari, who heard the comment, seemed a bit less amused by it.

“You don’t wish that Madi and I were younger, do you?” Ontari abruptly asked Lexa, making the older woman look at her in surprise. “I mean, Madi’s little. But you don’t have any regrets adopting an older kid, right?”

“Ontari,” Lexa said softly as she shook her head and gently guided the teen away from the group. “Your mama and I have absolutely no regrets about this. We are so happy that we get to call you ours forever. Sure, you’re sixteen, but the last time I checked we both have a lot of life left to live. So no, we don’t wish you guys were younger.”

“But a baby would be more exciting, wouldn’t it?”

“Didn’t you just hear Aunty O? Eira had a blow-out. She literally shit herself so bad that her diaper couldn’t even hold it. Neither your or your sister have that problem, so I can safely say that adopting a baby wouldn’t be more exciting.”

Thankfully, Lexa’s response earned a giggle from Ontari who found the idea comical.

“That’s gross,” Ontari said as she crinkled her nose.

“It is. Thank you for not being a baby and doing that to us,” Lexa said as she laughed as well and pulled the teen into an embrace.

“Hey now, we want a part of that,” Indra called out as she, Gustus, Abby, and Marcus approached the awaiting party.

“We were wondering when you’d grace us with your presence,” Lexa cheekily said as she released her soon-to-be legal daughter and went to hug the new arrivals.

Not five minutes later, Bellamy and Echo also arrived and just as the next round of greetings settled down, Roan stepped out of the courthouse with two files at hand and a wide smile on his face.

“Looks like we’ve got quite the audience today,” Roan said as he made his way down half the steps. “We’re all ready for you inside.”

Clarke, who’d finally stopped smelling Otan’s sweet baby head, giddily went to grab her two kids and wife before allowing Roan to lead the way to the courtroom.

As they got closer to the room, Ontari noticed her anxiety rise with each step.

This was it.

It was finally happening.

She was getting her forever in less than thirty minutes.

Once the large group was ushered into the room, and all of the official introductory legalities were performed, Ontari had a chance to size up their judge.

Judge Byrne was an aged woman, with deep forehead lines, and heavy frown ones to match. She was, to say the least, unpleasant on the surface.

It came as a true shock to everyone that as soon as they’d all been re-seated, Judge Byrne stood up and waved someone over from the side.

“Family court offers a lot of cases,” the judge said as she accepted the small speaker from an officer. “Not many of them are pleasant,” she said truthfully as she retook her seat and looked at the family. “But this – all of this right here – is why I became a family court judge. I get to make you a true and permanent family today. And sometimes you need a really good song to help you in the moment.”

With that, Judge Byrne hit play on the speaker and allowed the upbeat tempo of Take Yours to play throughout the room.

“I guess we’ll get right to it then,” Judge Byrne said as she smiled in satisfaction after earning some laughs from the group. “We are here, on this very special day, to officially create a new family. Clarke and Lexa Woods-Griffin, do you wish to adopt Ontari and Madi?”

Clarke and Lexa, already both teary-eyed and sniffling, nodded quickly at the question.

“Yes, Your Honour” Lexa agreed as she wiped under her eyes.

“With every fiber of my being, Your Honour” Clarke promised as she too wiped her eyes and grasped at Ontari’s hand which had slipped into her own.

“Madi, do you wish for Clarke and Lexa to be your moms?” Judge Byrnes asked next, addressing the little girl who was giddily swinging her legs in her seat.

“Yes!” Madi agreed with a large nod for emphasis.

“And Ontari, do you wish for Clarke and Lexa to be your moms?” Judge Byrnes asked, turning all of the attention onto the teen.

Ontari, who had been climbing closer towards losing her composure, finally felt herself crack when the judge asked her the question. Less than six months ago she’d lost the only person she thought she could ever consider to be her mother. But then here she was today, desperately watching the minutes tick by until she could officially belong to Clarke and Lexa; the two women who managed to love her more than she’d ever been loved before.

Despite the sob that slipped past Ontari’s lips, the teen was quick to fervently nod her agreement and crack a smile. She wanted this so badly and she wanted the judge to know it.

“Yes,” Ontari said as shuddered through a breath and tried to regain some of her composure. “Please let me have them as my moms forever.”

Judge Byrnes smiled sympathetically at the teen and nodded her head. It was a silent promise that she would make it happen.

“Alrighty then. By the authority vested in me, by the state of California, I now pronounce you a family.”

With the simple hit of a gavel onto a block, Ontari and Madi went from Norwoods to Woods-Griffins. From foster kids to adopted ones.

And the relief that flooded the courtroom could be felt for miles.

The crowd cheered and hollered their approval while Madi excitedly jumped up to hug her mommies.

Ontari, still very overwhelmed with all that had happened in under five minutes, fully broke down and cried into her hands.

It was a long time coming, but she was finally able to breathe easy knowing that this was permanent. No more social workers or foster parents that could decide where she slept that night. No more empty promises that the next home would be better. No more worrying about who was going to keep Madi safe when she couldn’t. No more worrying about who was going to keep her safe when she couldn’t.

“Baby girl,” Clarke cooed as she noticed the crying teen. Gently, Clarke positioned herself into a crouch so she could better look at the girl’s face. With gentle hands, Clarke replaced Ontari’s with her own as she cupped the teen's cheeks and wiped at the tears with her thumbs. “Please tell me these are happy tears.”

“They are,” Ontari promised with a nod. “I’m so happy,” she said as she uncovered her face and wiped her cheeks. Ontari paused and looked at Clarke for a beat. This was the woman that loved her through everything. Through her fighting, through her meltdowns, through her constant efforts to push her away. Clarke was there.

Without Clarke’s incredible stubbornness, Ontari wouldn’t be here. She owed everything to her mama, but she didn’t know how to express it, so Ontari offered the only thing she knew that could convey it.

Ontari shifted forward and hugged her mama tightly. It said thank you.

It said…

You saved me.

You fought for me.

You gave me forever.

You loved me.

It said…

I love you.

All in one embrace.

And as the chaos flowed around the room as everyone embraced and celebrated the new family, Clarke and Ontari held onto each other for just a few beats longer.

Ontari knew she had awaiting family members who wanted to celebrate with her.

But right now, in the embrace of her mama and with the feel of gentle kisses falling onto her head, Ontari felt most at home. And that was all that mattered.

-----

“Party at the Woods household,” Gustus reminded as the large group made their way out of the courtroom and into the lobby.

“I’ve got some rocky road cookies,” Abby said as she lovingly squeezed Ontari’s arm and winked at the teen.

“And I’ve got the chocolate cake with sprinkles,” Indra said, making Madi bounce excitedly.

“This is going to be the best party ever!” Madi enthused to Hope who nodded and started jumping with her friend.

“It’s almost like they’re already hyped up on sugar,” Diyoza commented, making Clarke laugh and nod her agreement.

“Let’s hope the sugar crash doesn’t hit until the evening,” Clarke added, making the older woman nod as well.

Ontari who was walking under the arm of Lexa, seemed to spot someone sitting by the doors and stood up a bit straighter.

“I’ll meet you guys at the car,” Ontari said to her mom who was talking to Gaia about something.

Lexa, who didn’t see who Ontari was headed towards, allowed the teen to slip away without a question as she was deeply invested in something Gaia was saying.

Ontari hurried over to the girl who sat on a bench with a gift bag at her feet.

“I thought I’d missed you,” Callie said as she noticed Ontari approaching. The older teen stood up and grabbed the bag off the ground before meeting Ontari halfway.

“What’re you doing here?” Ontari asked curiously, making Callie motion around the space.

“You got adopted, dude! I couldn’t let the day pass without giving you a gift as congratulations.”

“And I’m guessing you grilled Adria for the details?” Ontari asked with a laugh as she accepted the gift bag.

“I don’t grill and tell. Now open your gift. I want to see your reaction,” Callie urged as she grabbed Ontari’s hand and gave her a little jostle.

“Okay, okay. Hold your horses,” Ontari said as she laughed again and pulled the decorative paper out of the top of the bag. Inside was a book, and after pulling it out to further inspect it, Ontari was surprised to see it was a sketchbook.

It was a fancy, leather-bound, one no less with the nice kind of paper that Ontari always wanted to get her hands on.

“How did you…?” Ontari started to ask, only to have the other girl shake her head.

“Ah, ah, ah,” Callie interrupted as she covered Ontari’s lips with a finger. “I don’t grill and tell, remember?”

“This is amazing, Callie,” Ontari said as she ran a hand over the leather cover. “I don’t know what to say. I’ve never… you’re my first real friend and I’m sort of new to all of this.”

“It’s easy,” Callie promised as she waved her hand nonchalantly. “You say ‘thank you’, and then promise to make the first sketch in there of me.”

Ontari laughed lightly at how obvious it was and nodded before repeating after her friend. “Thank you, Callie. Really. And I promise to make the first sketch in here of you.”

“You better get my good side,” Callie warned as she angled her chin up a bit.

“Both your sides are perfect.”

Ontari didn’t really process what she said before she said it, and once it was out of her mouth she found herself blushing profusely.

“Is that so, Griffin?” Callie asked with a smirk, only making Ontari blush more. “I’m screwing with you. Thanks for the compliment,” Callie said before she gave Ontari a gentle push. “I’ll see you at the game tomorrow, alright?”

Ontari nodded and smiled at her friend before glancing back at the still lingering group of people.

Just as Callie moved to walk away, Ontari decided to stop her.

“Wait – Callie. We’re having a party and I’d really like it if you came,” Ontari said, making Callie smile widely and step closer once again.

“Will there be cookies?” Callie asked as she cocked an eyebrow.

“Rocky road,” Ontari said with a nod.

“My favourite,” Callie said, making Ontari break out into a wider smile.

“Me too!” Ontari said enthusiastically.

“No duh,” Callie said with a laugh. “It’s your adoption party. They better have your favourite cookie there.”

“So, are the cookies bribery enough?” Ontari asked, making Callie mockingly ponder the thought for a beat before she nodded.

“You’re too cute to say no to,” Callie said, making Ontari’s blush return without warning. “Just text me the address and I’ll be there.”

“Okay,” Ontari said dumbfoundedly as she nodded her head. “Thanks again for the sketchbook.”

“Thanks for promising to make me your first muse. I hope to see it in an art gallery someday.

“Art gallery is a bit farfetched,” Ontari reminded, only to have Callie wave her off.

“I’m sure you have some wicked skill with a pencil.”

“You’ll find out soon enough.”

“Do me justice, Griffin,” Callie warned as she started to walk backwards.

“I will,” Ontari promised as she waved off her friend. “I’ll see you later.”

“Later,” Callie re-affirmed as she winked at Ontari before turning on her heel and heading out the door.

Ontari paused and watched Callie walk away through the glass doors.

“C’mon, Ontari. Time to celebrate this circus!” Lexa urged as the rest of the group exited from the doors on the other side of the lobby leaving only herself, Clarke, and Madi in the space.

“We gotta go eat cake, Tari,” Madi reminded with urgency in her tone.

“I’m coming,” Ontari promised as she hurried to her family and allowed Lexa to re-wrap her arm around her.

“Who was that?” Clarke asked in reference to the girl that she spotted her daughter speaking with as they started to walk to the car.

“Callie. My friend that I told you guys about a few weeks ago.”

“So that’s Callie,” Lexa hummed as she motioned to the bag. “What’d she give you?”

“A sketchbook,” Ontari said as she pulled the item out to show off to her moms.

“That's a nice book. And Callie, she’s a pretty girl too,” Clarke observed, making Lexa flick her ear and Ontari blush once more.

“Is she your girlfriend, Tari?” Madi asked, making Ontari quickly shake her head while their moms laughed.

“No. She’s my friend,” Ontari said as she returned her sketchbook to the bag.

“We’re just happy you know someone as kind as her,” Clarke promised, as she pressed a loving kiss to Ontari’s forehead.

“I invited her to the party. I hope that’s okay,” Ontari said as she left Lexa’s side to go to her door of the car.

“Of course it’s okay,” Lexa said as she stepped up to the driver’s door. “Okay. Hold on. Let’s all take a minute here.”

“Here?” Clarke asked as she looked around the slowly emptying parking lot. “Why here?”

“We’re about to get into this car as the official Woods-Griffin clan. Don’t you want to embrace that?” Lexa asked, making Clarke and Ontari shrug while Madi nodded her affirmation and grabbed her mommy’s hand.

“Alright then,” Clarke said as she took in a big deep breath. “This is it, guys. This is our family.”

“It’s a good family,” Ontari said, making her moms nod in agreement.

“The Woods-Griffin’s,” Lexa said as a smile came to her face.

“Forever, right?” Madi asked, making the older three people nod happily.

“Forever,” Ontari affirmed. “Thank you for letting us be apart of your family, moms.”

“No,” Clarke said with a shake of her head. “Thank you both for being our family.”

-----

At the party, Ontari found herself chatting with Echo and Emori while she sat with Otan in her arms and admired the sleeping baby.

For the most part, she did her best to engage with the two older women and ask questions about her little cousins, but after a while Ontari found herself tuning out their voices and just staring at Otan’s peaceful little face.

“Was I that little?” Madi asked as she looked over her sister’s shoulder to see the dark-haired infant.

“Mh-hmm. But you felt bigger because I was younger when you were born,” Ontari explained as she softly cooed to Otan.

“Did you like me better when I was itty bitty or when I was the size of Eira?” Madi went on the ask as she pointed to the other baby, which was four months older than Otan.

“I loved you,” Ontari gently corrected before answering, “from the moment you were born to now. Itty bitty and this size,” Ontari promised as she smiled at her little sister.

“Do you want to hold Eira, Madi?” Echo asked as she watched the sisters talk.

“Can I?” Madi asked excitedly as she approached the older woman.

“You’re good with him,” Emori commented to Ontari as Echo became invested in teaching Madi how to hold the larger baby.

“He’s an easy baby.”

Emori couldn’t help but laugh and shake her head. “I wish. Poor John still doesn’t know how to soothe him when he gets fussy.”

“It’s only been two weeks,”Ontari excused for her uncle. “Besides, Madi was the same. She was so fussy at the start until I learned how to massage her hands to get her to calm down. They all have their little thing that makes them happy.”

Emori, and most of the family for that matter, never really had a chance to hear about Ontari’s experience of raising a baby at the age of ten. Now being face to face with it, Emori couldn’t help but slightly frown when she was presented with this tidbit of information from Ontari.

“Everyone makes that face too,” Ontari said with a small laugh, making Emori quickly alter her expression.

“What face? I’m not making a face,” Emori excused as she waved off the teen.

“I know it’s weird to hear. Raising a kid at ten isn’t exactly normal.”

Emori, who seemed to sit with a thought for a beat, decided to ask a personal question next. “I mean, now that you’ve opened up that can of worms, I’ve been curious about something.”

“Go ahead,” Ontari prompted as she briefly looked back at Otan and stroked his tan cheek.

“Was it hard handing over that parenting role to Clarke and Lexa? I’ve only had this little guy for two weeks and I just know it would be impossible for me to let someone else take over.”

Ontari sighed and twisted her lips before nodding. “I still get a bit on edge when Clarke and Lexa take care of Madi’s needs. She’s – we’re - so lucky to have them, but parenting Madi is not something I can turn off. I think I’ll always try to have a part in raising her, but I’m happy to let Clarke and Lexa step in as well.”

“Well, in case no one’s said it before, you raised a really good kid, Ontari,” Emori complimented as she glanced over at Madi who was pressing a gentle kiss to Eira’s head.

Ontari, who truthfully hadn’t heard that compliment before, found herself blushing as pride flooded her chest. Despite their unideal circumstances growing up, Ontari took some solace in knowing that she did some good through Madi. She wasn’t perfect – the both of them weren’t – but for having been forced to be a parent at the age of ten, Ontari did a mighty fine job at shaping the little girl that Madi became.

“I appreciate that,” Ontari said truthfully as she smiled at Emori.

Before further conversation could transpire, Otan began to squirm and whimper. It was his feeding time, and with a gentle swap, Ontari reset the little boy into his mom’s arms before she stood up and looked around the yard.

Just then, Ontari caught sight of Indra coming out the backdoor with Callie in tow.

“My friend’s here,” Ontari said, using that as her excuse to leave Emori, Echo, and Madi at the patio furniture while she hurried to the new guest.

“Ahh, there she is!” Indra beamed as Ontari approached her.

“I’m so glad you came!” Ontari gushed to Callie who smiled kindly at her.

“Well, like I said, you’re too cute to say no to.”

Ontari, who was too busy trying not to let Callie see her blush, failed to see her grandma catching wind of the comment and looking at them both in surprise.

Wordlessly, Indra left the teens to talk and hurried over to Lexa and Gaia who were laughing at something.

“Why didn’t you tell me that Ontari had a crush?!” Indra demanded in an angry semi-whisper, making Lexa reel a bit and blink a few times in shock.

“Excuse me?” Lexa asked, only to earn a short shake of Indra’s head.

“Nu-uh, missy. No playing dumb. I know you know.”

“Know what?” Lexa pressed.

“Ontari has a crush?” Gaia asked, making Indra sigh.

“Yes! That sweet girl, Callie, just flirted up a storm with my grandbaby and now she’s blushing like her idiot mother does whenever Clarke smiles at her the right way.”

“Really, mom?” Lexa asked incredulously. “You just have to drag my ass into this?”

“I like her taste,” Gaia commented as she caught sight of Callie’s face.

“Guys, that’s just her teammate,” Lexa excused for her kid, waving off her mother and sister’s suspicion.

“Sure,” Luna drawled as she stepped into the conversation. “Just her teammate,” Luna imitated Lexa in a stupid tone.

“Don’t butt in,” Lexa warned, making Luna shake her head.

“Of all the people that get to butt in, it should be me. I’ve watched these two practice together over the last month. They’re becoming a real powerhouse if you ask me.”

“Being a powerhouse on the ice has nothing to do with their relationship in real life,” Lexa said, only to make her sisters and mother roll their eyes.

“Ohh why are we rolling our eyes at Lex?” Anya asked as she too stepped into the group.

“Ontari has a crush on Callie,” Gaia explained as she motioned to the teens in the distance.

“No fucking way!” Anya gushed as she bounced on her toes. “That’s so cute!”

“They’re just friends,” Lexa continued to argue. “She told me and Clarke herself.”

“Who told us what?” Clarke asked, her arms wrapping around Lexa’s waist and her chin resting on her shoulder as she followed everyone’s line of sight. “Oh, Callie’s here. I’m glad she could make it. Do you think Ontari would be embarrassed if we introduced ourselves?”

“No,” Lexa said.

“Yes!” Indra, Anya, Gaia, and Luna all said in unison, effectively trumping Lexa’s prior statement.

“Woah, I’m going to need an explanation,” Clarke said as a small laugh slipped past her lips.

“Your kid has a huge crush on Callie,” Gaia explained, making Clarke cock her head to the side in thought.

“Huh,” Clarke said as she mulled the thought over.

“Please tell them they’re being ridiculous. Ontari told us herself that Callie is just a friend,” Lexa said, stating this fact for the umpteenth time in the one conversation.

“Yeah, of course they’re friends,” Clarke said before adding, “for now.”

While Lexa groaned, her mother and sisters broke out into a chorus of the cheers after receiving further support from Clarke.

“In defense of Lex, I do think that Ontari isn’t looking for a relationship right now. Callie is her first real friend and I think she’ll want to roll with that before pursuing anything else,” Clarke explained, earning nods of agreement.

“At least she has one parent that isn’t blind,” Luna teased as she poked Lexa’s cheek.

Lexa sighed in surrender and nodded her head. “I would be lying if I said they weren’t a cute couple. But she’s still a kid. She doesn’t need a girlfriend or a boyfriend right now.”

“Well, I think we ought to embarrass our kid while we still can, don’t you think?” Clarke asked her wife, hoping that a good dose of Ontari teasing would make the woman perk up a bit.

“Please,” Lexa said, a smile coming to her face as she allowed her wife to take her hand and pull her towards the two teens across the yard.

-----

The party was the perfect way to celebrate the adoption of Ontari and Madi. Despite the gathering starting at 10am, everyone stuck around for several hours.

Before anyone could really process it, it was 8pm, and the exhaustion of the day was finally settling into people’s bones.

“What’d you girls think?” Clarke asked as she lovingly stroked back Ontari’s hair as the teen rested her head on her lap.

Lexa was in a similar state with a sleeping Madi who was koala bear hugging her on the patio chair across from Clarke and Ontari.

“I love having parties here,” Ontari confessed as she drew her fingers up and down the head of Rigel who was sleeping at Clarke’s feet. “But my favourite bit is always the end when we can just sit around and be together.”

“Mine too,” Lexa said as she smiled at her daughter. “Our friends are great but they’re a rowdy bunch.”

“Rowdy’s fun, though. Callie really liked how chaotic it got,” Ontari said as a fond grin came to her face.

“She’s welcome to these parties. It isn’t just limited to Lexa’s and my friends.”

“I appreciate that,” Ontari said as she turned her attention towards Lexa. “Mom, when did you know that you loved mama?”

Lexa smirked as she looked at Clarke and the two shared a knowing smile.

“It was our second date. Your mama did something stupidly crazy and dragged me into it, and I… I just knew,” Lexa said fondly as she held her wife’s eyes for just a beat.

“What did you do?” Ontari asked suspiciously as she turned onto her back and looked up at Clarke.

“Nothing,” Clarke attempted to lie, only to earn a look from her teen. “I may or may not have forced your mom to jump off a cliff with me,” Clarke finally caved.

“You jumped off a cliff?!” Ontari asked excitedly as she sat up quickly and looked between her mothers.

“A small cliff,” Clarke argued.

“Ehh, it was relatively large,” Lexa conquered, earning a playful glare from the blonde.

“No fair! I’ve always wanted to do that,” Ontari practically whined, sounding more like a petulant teenager than ever before.

“We can go tomorrow,” Lexa said, once more earning a glare from Clarke.

“No way. Lexa, it’s the middle of February. And besides, Ontari has a hockey game tomorrow.”

“Her game’s at noon. C’mon, Clarke. Look how excited she looks,” Lexa said as she motioned at the still very giddy teen.

“Please, mama! I really want to try jumping. I promise to only do it once and I’ll bring of change of clothes so I won’t get cold afterwards,” Ontari said in a rush of words.

“Okay, okay,” Clarke relented in an effort to calm the excited girl. “On one condition. You have to win your game tomorrow.”

“Deal. Done deal. Callie and I have been working on a play with Luna all week. We’re going to crush them tomorrow.”

“I guess we’re going cliff jumping,” Lexa said, making Ontari whoop and jump to her feet.

“I’m so freaking excited!” Ontari cheered as she jogged in place.

“Alrighty, crazy feet, another unsaid condition is that you have to help your grandparents with some of the clean-up,” Clarke said as she stood up as well and moved to start helping with clearing the yard.

Ontari nodded her agreement and hurried past her mama and towards Indra who was in the midst of putting leftovers into Tupperware.

“Grandma! Moms are taking me cliff jumping tomorrow!” Ontari enthused as she approached the woman.

Indra sighed and set down her serving spoon before looking at her husband. “Gustus, your daughter raised another adrenaline junkie.”

“Atta girl!” Gustus called out as he gave his granddaughter a thumbs up. “Just remember to not think about the drop and just full send it,” Gustus said to Ontari who nodded at his advice.

“I’m so excited,” Ontari repeated for the millionth time.

“So you’ve said,” Clarke said with an amused grin. “I just hope you don’t bruise your ass like I did.”

-----

“Alright girls, I want to see power, I want to see speed, but most importantly I want to see teamwork. I know our dynamic has shifted a lot these last few months, but I need you guys to play a solid match and show me that you are working as a whole and not as individuals,” Luna said to her team as she stood huddled up in the middle of their changing room before they had to head into the rink. “Remember our plays. Look at each other. Communicate. Got it?”

“Got it,” the girls agreed in unison.

“Let’s kick some ass girls. Polis on three,” Luna encouraged as she stuck her hand into the center. Gloved fists met her in the middle and they all moved as one. “One, two, three…”

“Polis,” the team said all together before breaking apart and scattering to gather their helmets and sticks.

“Ontari, I’ve got this for you,” Luna said as she approached the teen who turned to the benches and handed over the item that was drapped over her shoulder.

Ontari pulled her gloves off and grabbed the navy blue material. Shaking it out, Ontari smiled as she took in the new name above her same number.

Woods-Griffin – 28.

“I told you you’d get to keep your number,” Luna said as she watched the teen admire the jersey.

“Thank you, Luna,” Ontari breathed out at the stared at the name stretched out over the back of the jersey.

Despite the official papers that were signed yesterday declaring Ontari as a Woods-Griffin, she couldn’t help but feel a certain sense of permanence with the new name as she looked at her jersey.

This was her now.

A Woods-Griffin.

She was going to step out on the ice today as a new person. At least it felt that way. And Ontari was quick to decide that with the new name came the new promise to do better and to work harder than ever before. She would do the name proud, for her coach and her moms.

“Alright, my girls, let’s get a move on,” Luna said as she clapped her hands together.

Ontari was finally snapped from her trance when Callie’s hand came up to clap her shoulder.

“It looks good on there, Griffin,” Callie said as she looked over the jersey as well. “So you took 28. Y’know, that was my number at my old club. You sorta stole it from me,” Callie said teasingly.

“Well, you stole my seat,” Ontari jested back as she nodded towards the opposite bench that had Callie’s stuff occupying Ontari’s old place.

“I guess we’re even then,” Callie determined with a nod of finality. “Ready to kill it out there?” Callie asked as she nodded to the door.

“Definitely,” Ontari agreed as she quickly changed her jersey, re-set her gloves and grabbed her stick and helmet.

Walking into the rink, Ontari was quickly met with a wave of tension. As she approached the players box, Ontari could see Luna speaking frantically to the other coach who was shaking his head in the negative.

“What’s going on?” Ontari asked to Callie who could only shrug in response.

Getting a bit closer, Ontari finally picked up the tail-end of one of Luna’s comments.

“You’ve got to bench her then. I agreed to the suspension, but she is not playing against my girls today. Not after the stunt she pulled a few months ago.”

“That was a different team,” the other coach argued. “She hasn’t pulled anything like that at any of the games we’ve had this year.”

Getting the gist of the conversation, Ontari looked across the ice and caught sight of the girl who hospitalized her less than six months ago. Number 4, now number 12, was sitting on the bench with a new team and was bouncing her leg anxiously.

For a brief moment, Ontari felt a wave of panic and then fear flood through her. She didn’t want to find out if that girl still had it out for her. But then Ontari remembered the promise she made to herself just a few minutes ago.

She’d be stepping onto the ice and doing the name on her back proud. A Woods-Griffin wouldn’t run away from what scared them, and they certainly wouldn’t allow others to make things easy for them either.

With determination set in her bones, Ontari approached her coach at interrupted the escalating argument.

“She’s here; the girl that I fought with last time.”

“I’m handling it,” Luna said, her eyes briefly meeting Ontari’s before she turned back to the man in front of her.

“I want her to play,” Ontari said, interrupting once more.

“Sweetheart, I’m not letting you sit out on your first game back. That wouldn’t be fair.”

“And benching someone who isn’t suspended wouldn’t be fair either,” Ontari quickly said, trying to get her point across. “I want to play, and I want her to play. I know how she can be; I’m better prepared this time. If it really gets bad I’ll swap out, okay?”

Luna, still not entirely pleased with the plan, looked between her player, the other coach, and the other girl across the ice.

“Okay,” Luna eventually relented. “Okay. But I’m warning you, Bob, if that girl so much as checks any of my girls I want her off,” Luna said in the most dangerous tone she could to the man who nodded his agreement.

“Sure. Can we just get this game going, please?” Bob asked, making Luna raise her hands and nod.

“By all means,” Luna said, the snark clearly remaining in her tone.

Bob walked back across the ice while Luna and Ontari remained at the baseboard.

“You just have to tell me if you don’t feel safe, okay?” Luna asked Ontari who nodded and set her helmet onto her head.

“I’ll be okay,” Ontari promised before she set her mouth guard into place and waited for Luna to nod the go-ahead and allow them onto the ice to warm up.

Luna hesitated, but then she finally nodded, and for the first time ever Ontari got to step onto the ice with Woods-Griffin proudly presented on her back.

-----

“That girl looks familiar,” Lexa commented as the ref blew his whistle and called for the game to start.

“Which one?” Clarke asked as she scanned the teams to see who her wife was talking about.

“Number 12 from the other side. She’s got a build to her. What was the name of the girl that checked Ontair into the boards last year?”

“Uhh,” Clarke said as she mulled over the thought. “Morton? Morman? Something with an ‘M’.”

“It was Muller,” Raven spoke up as she cocked an eyebrow at her friends. “Morman, though? Really?”

“It starts with an ‘M’, doesn’t it?” Clarke asked rhetorically, making Raven roll her eyes.

“Fuck, is that really her?” Lexa asked as she finally saw Number 12’s last name.

Muller. It was a match.

“Wait Ontari is playing against that girl again? What’s your sister thinking?”

“She was arguing about something earlier. I guess we now know what it was about,” Lexa said, hoping to excuse her sister for this coincidence.

“That girl better watch herself,” Clarke practically seethed as she watched Muller to make sure she kept her distance from her kid.

What was supposed to be an exciting first-game back for Clarke and Lexa, soon became an anxiety-ridden one as they both found themselves cringing every time Number 12 got too closer to Ontari for comfort.

Despite their un-relenting panic, Ontari seemed to also be alert of who she was playing against and made herself as un-touchable as possible.

One period ticked by.

Then another.

Until it was the final third and the score was still stuck at 0-0.

Ontari, who’d spent all of second on the bench, was being sent back out with Callie, Adria, Tris, and another girl by the name of Ellie.

It was Luna’s powerhouse group. The set that she’d boasted to everyone that could take things home with an ease she hadn’t seen on her team before.

As excited as Clarke and Lexa were to watch Luna’s new arrangement, they still found themselves on the edge of their seats as Number 12 was also sent back out to play.

“That coach is doing this deliberately. He knows that Muller kid makes Luna and Ontari nervous,” Lexa said as she watched the ref drop the puck in for the face off.

“She’ll be fine,” Clarke said, mainly to comfort herself as she begged the last 20 minutes to play through quickly so they could stop panicking.

For what is was worth, Ontari continued to carry her own and protect herself from many of Muller’s advancements.

The time, much to Clarke’s relief, really did start ticking by quickly. A bit too quickly for the team’s liking as 20 minutes became 10, and then 5, and then 2.

They were still 0-0 and only had 45 seconds remaining. Without a goal they’d have to go into overtime, and Luna’s highly anticipated power-team would be for nothing.

The crowd held their breath as the puck was dropped and the players had at it once more.

-----

“Cover me,” Ontari said to Callie in passing as they reset to face off for the last 45 seconds.

“What’re you going to do?” Callie asked, only to find that the question landed on deft ears as Ontari was facing off with number 12. “Shit,” Callie groaned as she too set herself in her starting position.

Ontari stared down Number 12 and held her stick at the ready.

The puck dropped.

Their sticks met.

And as naturally as a fish swam, Ontari flicked the puck between her legs and gave her team possession of it.

Callie, much to her relief, had received the puck and, after a shared glance, she snapped it back to Ontari who maneuvered it towards the net.

Moving quickly, Ontari set herself up to take a shot. She knew Number 12 would attempt a dirty play to prevent her from making the goal and to send them into over-time. It was her tactic. Ontari knew that now.

Which is why she told Callie to cover her.

As Ontari pulled back her stick and snapped it forward she saw Number 12 rushing to advance her.

Right before the brute force could hit her, Callie slid between her and number 12 and forced the other girl to come to a quick stop.

Without the impact, Ontari’s stick met the puck.

It flew perfectly towards the top right corner of the net.

The horn blew.

The team cheered.

Ontari did. She got them the winning goal.

“You fucking did it!” Callie cheered as she tackled her friend with a hug.

It didn’t take long for the rest of the team to skate out and join in on the pile up as well.

Ontari, laughing joyfully at both her perfect shot and the cheering of her team, hugged Callie back just as tightly before everyone got their bearings and got to their feet once more.

As per usual, the team lined up for the post-game handshakes. Ontari found herself taking up the rear of her team as they passed the opposite team and allowed their gloves to come into contact with one another.

Just as the other team’s rear came in contact with Ontari, she found herself being pulled to a stop by an uncovered hand that grasped her glove.

“Hey,” the girl said, making Ontari look up and properly recognize that it was number 12. “You played really well today. That was a fair shot.”

Ontari, surprised to receive a compliment from the girl, cracked a smile and nodded her agreement.

“You played a great game too. Your team is lucky to have you.”

Number 12, though not offering a smile like Ontari did, gave a curt nod and released Ontari’s glove before skating off to her team.

“Was she giving you shit?” Callie asked as she came to her friend’s side and looped their arms together.

“No. She was… complimenting me?”

“Weird,” Callie said.

“Doesn’t change the fact that she was 100% going to knock me to my ass a few minutes ago. Thanks for covering me,” Ontari said as she skated with Callie towards the player's box.

“I’ve got your back, Griffin. Isn’t that what friend’s are for?” Callie asked, making Ontari laugh softly.

“Have I mentioned yet how lucky I am to have you as a friend?” Ontari asked, making the other girl jeer as she shook her arm.

“I freaking told you! I knew you’d be my friend in no time.”

Ontari smiled fondly and allowed Callie to gloat for a while. Besides, anyone willing to step between her and another angry hockey player deserved to brag about whatever they wanted.

---(cue, to build a home - radio version)---

“A promise is a promise,” Clarke said as she pulled the car up to the secluded cliff edge and put it into park. “You won your game, which means we get to jump.”

“Even me?” Madi asked excitedly as she looked out to the ocean from her window.

“With safety measures,” Lexa said. She had talked to her dad who had promised that, despite its height, the jump was safe enough for a seven-year-old to do as well.

“What if I change my mind?” Ontari suddenly asked as she also stared out towards the horizon. The water, from what she could tell, was very far down. And Ontari may or may not have a fear of heights. She was never really faced with a proper cliff until now to know the answer.

“You’re allowed to. But I’ve got to say, it’s one of the best feelings in the world,” Clarke promised as she unclipped her seatbelt and turned to look at the teen.

“We can hold hands, right?” Ontari asked, looking between her moms who shared a small laugh.

“Of course we can. And no one is allowed to let go, okay?” Lexa said, making everyone in the car solemnly swear to follow that one rule. “Let’s do it then.”

Together, the family of four emerged from the car and quickly went about removing their clothes to reveal swimsuits. Madi, who was much smaller and likely to get colder than the others, was helped into a full bodysuit that had belonged to Gaia as a kid.

“Remember to drop like a pencil. Don’t curl up,” Clarke instructed as she crouched in front of Madi and fitted her with a proper life-jacket as well.

“No cannonballs,” Madi promised as she allowed her mama to tug at the sides and top of her vest just to make sure it wouldn’t pop off of her on impact.

“Are we all ready then?” Lexa asked as she made sure their towels were right at the trunk opening so they could bundle up as soon as they climbed back to the top.

“That is fucking high!” Ontari squeaked as she’d already stepped up to the edge and glanced down at the calm water below.

“Language,” Clarke said. It was becoming a losing battle. And, as Madi always reminded them, it wasn’t like she hadn’t heard the words before.

“It looks high, but it really isn’t something you can’t handle,” Lexa promised as she joined her kid at the edge and looked down as well.

“People do this for fun?” Ontari asked as she looked at her mama and mom indignantly. “You two did this for fun?”

“Not so much for fun as it was for the experience,” Clarke excused as she held Madi’s hand and went to the edge as well.

“I wasn’t lying when I said it, Ontari. That jump, as scary as it may seem right now, will make you feel everything at once and that is the coolest feeling in the whole world,” Lexa said, reminding Ontari of their conversation the previous night.

Ontari, who’d felt many things in her life, had never had the opportunity to feel it all at once. Her mama was right. If she was going to jump, it wasn’t going to be for fun. It was going to be for the experience. It was going to be a chance for her to feel something she’d never felt before.

And hell, if Madi was staring at the water without an inkling of fear in her expression, then why couldn’t Ontari? Fear was something she’d gotten all too familiar with. It held her back from so many things in the past.

From speaking up about her abuse; from accepting the love of others who wanted to help; from being vulnerable and trying to put her walls down. Fear dictated all of that.

But Ontari didn’t want to let it dictate this.

She wouldn’t let it dictate this.

“Okay,” Ontari said as she grasped Lexa’s hand and then Madi’s, linking the four of them together. “Together, right?”

“Together,” Clarke affirmed.

“Together,” Lexa said as well, giving the teen an encouraging smile.

“Okay,” Ontari whispered.

Instead of looking down, Ontari forced herself to look ahead. She could do this. She’d conquered and fought so much to get here. Taking one more step forward wouldn’t be that hard.

“On three,” Ontari said, making her moms and sister nod.

One.

Two.

Three.

The family of four stepped off the cliff.

For the brief seconds that they were suspended in the air, Ontari shut her eyes and let herself feel.

Her mom was right, every emotion that one could physically feel was coursing through her.

With each pump of her heart, she felt something new. From fear, to panic, to pain, to exhilaration, to joy, to love.

She felt everything.

And then… nothing.

And it happened all over again as they hit the water and plunged into the cold, gentle waves.

Hands still clasped together, the family kicked to the surface.

Ontari broke through the water with a triumphant cry, followed by joyous laughter that her sister was joining in on soon after.

“Holy shit. We jumped,” Ontari said as she wiped her already pinkening cheeks and looked to her moms excitedly.

“How did that feel?” Lexa asked as she allowed Madi to grab onto her while they continued to swim in the waves.

“Amazing,” Ontari said as tears of joy started to crawl down her cheeks.

“Baby,” Clarke said gently as she wiped at the quickly falling tears.

“I’m fine. Really. I just… you were right, mom. I felt everything,” Ontari confessed, looking to Lexa who smiled knowingly.

“And right before you hit the water, what did you feel?” Lexa asked, earning a crack of a smile from the teen.

“Love.”

“Was this everything you hoped for?” Clarke asked.

Ontari mulled over the question.

Something about the question felt very existential. It was like Clarke was asking about Ontari’s whole life. Like she was asking if everything she’d been through to get here was worth it.

The fear. The panic. The pain. The joy. The love.

Was it all worth it?

“Yes,” Ontari said.

Because all those things led her to this.

To her family.

To the people she could call her own.

Forever.

Notes:

that's it.

this story full of angst and pain and sadness and joy and love is over. and i am so incredibly grateful to have been able to share it with you all.

while it took longer than i would've liked to give this chapter to you all, i am very pleased with how i got to end it. for the last two weeks i kept looking at it and feeling like it wasn't ready yet but today, i just knew. this is how my story was meant to end and this is what you all deserved to recieve.

thank you for joining me on this long, emotional journey. your comments, kudos, and support have driven this story and brought it to where it is today.

31 chapters
288 pages
142,000+ words
and a storyline which i will cherish forever.

thank you again for all the love. i hope to bring you along on another journey someday.

until the next story :)

val