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Kirk awoke to a muffled gasp and it took him a minute for to reorient himself. He and Spock had attended a diplomatic conference on Elon III and were headed back to rendezvous with the Enterprise on the shuttlecraft Hawking. It was a two-day trip back to the Enterprise and he’d taken a nap. Kirk shook the last of sleep from his brain and went to the forward part of the craft. Spock was wedged under the console, evidently repairing something. However, there were frequent gasps of pain.
“Spock?” He asked, dropping down to his knees beside his friend.
“Captain,” Spock’s voice sounded strained. He slid out from the console and sat up. “I apologize for disturbing you.”
Kirk noted the beads of sweat uncharacteristically running down the Vulcan’s forehead. Before he could comment, Spock continued. “We have a problem. The aft thruster has shorted out. I cannot reroute power. We have been immobile for the past fifteen minutes.”
His years of friendship with his first officer cued him that there was more. “Also, I am ill. I apologize. I have run numerous tests and am ready to upload them to the Enterprise.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Spock.” Kirk gently laid his hand on Spock’s arm and almost jerked back from the excessive warmth. “My God, you’re burning up.”
Spock nodded. “I am quite ill. I am not sure that I have done everything possible with the aft thruster. I am not thinking well.”
Kirk got up and reached for the comm. “Hawking to Enterprise. Hawking to Enterprise. Come in please.”
“Enterprise here,” Uhura’s voice was such a relief to Kirk. “Our aft thruster is down. And Spock is sick. I need to upload some data to Scotty and McCoy.”
Spock leaned over and keyed in uploads.
The screen split as Uhura tied them in. “Scotty, give me an update on our aft thruster. Bones, what do you make of this?”
Both of his officers were silent for a moment as they skimmed data. The engineer finished first. “The aft thruster is completely burnt out. You should be able to keep main power for three days if you shut down some systems. You cannae navigate but should be able to keep communications and environmental systems up. We’ll increase speed to get to you quickly.”
McCoy looked at Kirk with a worried frown. “This is an unknown virus. Seems to be causing intense fever. Spock, you have headaches, joint pain, and muscle pain?”
“Affirmative,” Spock answered. Kirk could detect the barely controlled pain in Spock’s voice. “Doctor,” Spock continued with obvious effort, “Do you think it is likely that other conference members are ill? Is the captain at risk?”
McCoy shook his head. “I’ll reach out to the attendees of the conference. Jim, are you feeling okay? You want to run a scanner over yourself and upload it?”
Spock was already handing the scanner to Kirk. After a moment’s pause McCoy announced, “There’s no trace of anything unusual in your blood, Jim. Spock, it appears viral, but I have not found any match in the databanks yet.”
Spock looked paler than usual and sweat was pouring down his face, but he was barely controlling his shivering. He leaned against the console and Kirk didn’t think he had seen Spock look this vulnerable in a long time. “Bones, what can I do?”
“Let his body fight the infection with fever. If it goes up above 40, alternate acetaminophen and valeroate every two hours. Apply cool rags. You don’t have a synthesizer on there, do you?”
Kirk shook his head. “No, we’ve just got ration packs.”
“I was thinking of electrolyte replacement. You should have two in the emergency first aid kit on the shuttle. If fever gets much higher, you’ll need to try and get some in him.”
McCoy looked at him. “If pain gets bad you can dial up some 2 ccs of Alevian in the hypo for him. It makes him nauseous so give him a cc of Prelian at the same time. I’m going to keep running tests to see if I can come up with an antiviral. Try to get him to lie down. Call me if you need me.”
Kirk set the shuttlecraft on essential systems only and dimmed the lights. He had to guide Spock to the bunk in the aft compartment of the shuttlecraft and Spock seemed barely aware of him. At his guidance, Spock lay on the small bunk and Kirk took off Spock’s boots and laid a blanket over his friend. He pushed the button that slid a seat out and sat at Spock’s bedside. The Vulcan’s eyes were closed, and his body trembled slightly. Kirk went to the lavatory and came back with a cold wet rag which he laid on Spock’s forehead. Spock’s eyes fluttered opened and a grimace of pain washed over him.
“Jim?” He asked weakly.
“It’s me,” Kirk reassured, as he took his friend’s hand in his own. Spock’s hand was so hot he nearly pulled his hand back, but as Spock squeezed his hand and he could see Spock’s eyes become less troubled, he decided to bear with the discomfort.
“You need anything?” He asked Spock. The Vulcan started to shake his head but then groaned in evident pain.
“Your head hurts?”
“Yes,” Spock said softly and then added almost as an afterthought, “Everything hurts.”
Kirk began to massage Spock’s temples as he remembered his own mother tending to him while he fought Vegan choriomeningitis many years ago. Spock’s audible sigh made him feel like he was finally doing something. For many minutes he continued his ministrations until Spock fell asleep. He sat back down at the bedside watching his ill friend.
The comm hailed and he went to it. “Kirk here,” he said softly, hoping not to wake Spock.
“McCoy here. I’ve reached out to the conference attendees. Six Rigelians are sick. No other species affected.”
“Vulcans are similar to Rigelians , right?” Kirk asked.
“Yes. I’ve got three different doctors working on the virus with me. But so far, we have not found any common RNA to work with. It may be a novel virus. Spock’s symptoms seem the most severe. The others have mild fever and their blood levels are not as markedly off as Spock’s. Can you get me a current scan?”
Kirk complied and uploaded the data to McCoy. He watched his Chief Medical Officer skim the data. “Jim,” he began in a tone that worried Kirk. “His kidneys are starting to shut down. Things are going to be close without medical intervention. I’ll see if I can get Scotty to increase our speed.”
“What can I do?” Kirk asked, feeling helpless.
“Keep doing what we talked about. And be there for him. He’s going to feel a lot worse here soon. Let me get back to research and get Scotty to increase our speed. McCoy out.”
Kirk glanced at the chronometer and dialed the hypo for valeorate . He administered it and got a fresh cold cloth for Spock’s forehead.
Spock whimpered in his sleep but did not rouse. Kirk sat down beside him feeling even more discouraged. Time passed slowly and he let his eyes close briefly.
***
He woke up to Spock screaming “No” and “Jim” repeatedly. Kirk tried to rouse him, but Spock did not wake from his delirious dream. Finally, Spock stopped screaming, but now he began to sob. Kirk felt an incredible sense of anguish listening to his friend suffer. He administered the acetaminophen and watched as Spock’s fever seemed to lessen. While he was switching a fresh cloth on Spock’s forehead, Spock stirred. His eyes opened and he stared at Kirk with a look of confusion. “Jim?” he whispered hesitantly.
“It’s me.” Kirk smiled at him.
Spock reached and touched Kirk’s face as if he didn’t expect his hand to connect with anything. “You’re alive?”
“Of course,” Kirk said, trying not to flinch at the intense warmth against his cheek.
“They killed you. They hurt you. You’re--”
“You’ve got a fever. You were delirious. I’m right here.”
“I couldn’t save you,” Spock murmured with obvious self-rebuke.
“You always save me.” Kirk reassured him.
Spock looked at him with such an expression of open affection that Kirk thought he would burst from the emotions radiating off his usually stoic first officer.
He took Spock’s fevered hand in and held it between his own hands.
Spock seemed to relax for a moment, but then his brow furrowed. “I killed you on Vulcan.”
Kirk flashed back to them wrestling in the desert sand. “You weren’t yourself. You asked T’Pau to stop the fight.”
Spock looked so dejected and Kirk wanted to wipe the look of pain away. For the first time in a long time he remembered how after it all, he’d fantasized that Spock would come to his quarters and ask him to fuck him. Suddenly, buried feelings of affection and lust warred within him and Kirk felt a twinge of shame at the feelings that he was sure his friend did not share. Friendship was there for sure. But more than that, he didn’t think Spock seemed to have it in him except under influences of alien spores or the like.
Dampening his own feelings, he squeezed Spock’s hand and then went took another scan with the Feisenberg to have to upload to McCoy. Spock slept furtively, whimpering in his sleep. The fever began to climb, and Kirk anxiously called the Enterprise. McCoy looked at the readout and frowned. “His fever doesn’t seem to be breaking much.”
“It’s not. He’s been delirious.”
“There’s nothing more you can do without a sickbay. Just keep doing what you’ve been. Scotty’s got us doing alternating bouts of warp 7 and warp 8. We’ll be there as fast as we can.”
As McCoy broke the connection, Kirk felt more helpless. The dimly lit craft was far too quiet. Spock’s breaths were ragged, and pain was evident in the moans his unconscious friend was uttering.
Kirk changed the cloth on Spock’s forehead and administered the medicines as McCoy had instructed.
After a few minutes, Spock seemed to be in less pain and his breathing sounded less labored. For a while, Kirk sat silently at the bedside feeling awash in emotions and struggling to make sense of his own feelings.
Suddenly, Spock stirred. “Jim?” He asked turning towards Kirk with panic.
“Right here,” Kirk reassured him, taking his hand in his own and trying to hide his concern at the abnormally hot skin.
Spock’s eyes were unfocused, and the fever was affecting his vision. Spock furrowed his brow and stared at Kirk as if unsure of his reality.
“Are you really here?”
“Of course. I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me.” Kirk flashed a megawatt smile, but Spock did not seem convinced.
“I saw you die.”
“It was a dream. You’re sick. You have a high fever. I’m okay. I’m gonna stay right here. The Enterprise is on its way.”
“You’re not hurt?”
“No,” Kirk brought their joined hands to his chest. “Feel my heartbeat. I’m fine.”
Spock seemed to relax a fraction. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. There’s nothing to apologize for.”
“You don’t know what I’m sorry for.”
The phrase was so unusual that Kirk could only stare blankly for a moment. Then he reiterated his point. “There’s nothing you need to be sorry for. You’re my best friend.”
Spock seemed to drift in and out of consciousness for a moment. “Can never tell you.”
Kirk drew in a breath. Spock was ashamed of something.
“Spock, no matter what you think there is nothing you have to apologize to me about. I know you. There is nothing you could say or do that would make me think anything less of you.”
That did not have the effect Kirk had expected. Instead, Spock became more agitated. “You would not say if you knew--” Spock’s voice trailed off for a moment. “Thoughts...wants...illogical...” Spock slipped back into unconsciousness, but he moaned with pain and his body trembled.
Kirk sat there thinking. Surely when Spock said “wants” he wasn’t meaning what Kirk’s wants were heading. Damn, here he is possibly dying and I’m getting turned on hoping he wants me. What kind of a lousy friend am I? Kirk chastised himself.
***
Time passed. Spock did not regain consciousness and the hours crept by. Kirk felt helpless as he administered meds, changed cool cloths, and looked at Spock’s face. For some reason he’d never looked more handsome to Kirk. He gently traced one pointed brow and felt a surge of affection for his friend that was stronger than anything he’d previously experienced.
Spock sighed in his sleep at Kirk’s touch and he repeated the tracing on the other brow, marveling at how that simple gesture seemed to relax and soothe his friend. He didn’t think he’d felt this strong emotion from such a small touch before.
Spock’s eyes fluttered open. “Jim,” he said simply, his breathing sounding slightly labored.
Kirk stilled the impulse to pull his hand back in embarrassment and instead repeated the movement.
Spock’s eyes seemed to smile at him before they fluttered back closed and he drifted back to sleep.
***
The comm stirred Kirk from a half-sleep and he went to it. “Hawking. Kirk here.”
“Jim,” McCoy’s voice had a worried tone to it. “Bad news. More people from the conference are sick. Two Andorians , three humans, and a Vegite . And I’ve got some even worse news. There are spikes on this virus that look like it’s been bioengineered. I’ve got Starfleet Medical and Security working on it.”
Kirk’s heart sank at the thought of bioterrorism. McCoy continued, “Give me an updated scan on each of you.”
Kirk went and scanned Spock’s still body and then scanned his own and transferred the data through the console.
McCoy watched figures on his screen and his face grew troubled. “Jim, you’re showing viral shift. How do you feel?”
“I’m fine,” Kirk reassured. “How’s Spock?”
McCoy’s face remained grim. “His kidneys are shutting down. Heart and lung function down twenty percent. Jim, I can’t find a damn antiviral combination for this thing.”
Kirk tried to be motivational. “Bones, I’ve seen you solve all kinds of medical mysteries before. Between you, Starfleet Medical, and all the doctors working on it, I know you’ll find an answer.”
McCoy still seemed dejected. “Jim, I really thought I’d crack the RNA sequence by now. Listen, I’ve got to get back to work. Keep checking your temperature. Check in with me in two hours.”
“Alright.”
Kirk broke the connection and returned to Spock’s side. Spock struggled to turn his head; pain evident in his grimace. “Jim...Dr. McCoy said...you’re ill?”
He gently pushed sweat-soaked hair off Spock’s hot forehead. “He said I have viral shift. I feel fine. How about you?”
Spock’s eyes blinked back tears and Kirk’s heart broke for the pain his friend was suffering.
“I am in a great deal of pain,” Spock said simply. Kirk took his hand and held it between both of his own. “Let me get you some pain medicine.” He dialed up the hypo and administered a dose.
Spock’s eyes fluttered. “Jim,” he murmured, almost as if his name was a prayer.
“I’m right here. I’m going to stay right here.”
Spock’s eyes appeared unfocused. “I do not know what I would do without you in my life.”
Kirk felt tears sting his eyes. He took Spock’s hand and held it as close to his heart as he could. “I can’t imagine life without you. I never understood people say “better half” but you truly are my better half. Logic to my emotion. Rationale to my recklessness.” He felt a rush of affection for his best friend and watched as Spock’s eyes closed and his breathing evened out.
For a while, he sat by Spock’s bedside and watched his friend sleep furtively. Suddenly Spock woke up with a gasp. Each breath seemed harder and Kirk stood by his side desperate for some idea of what to do. He took a scan and uploaded it to the Enterprise and rushed back to Spock’s side.
Spock stared at him with troubled eyes. “Jim, my body is shutting down.”
Kirk shook his head. “No, don’t let it.”
Spock half-smiled at him. “Jim, I cannot change it.”
Kirk grabbed Spock’s hand and held it tightly. “Yes. Yes, you can. Will yourself to stay with me. The Enterprise will be here soon.” In his mind he tried to calculate how long was left. Was it 12 hours? His thought processes seemed a little muddled.
Spock looked at him with a sad expression. “Jim, you are--” His voice trailed off as his breaths became more labored.
Suddenly he squeezed Kirk’s hand. “I wish I could tell you how I feel.”
Kirk’s heart wanted to burst. “Then tell me,” he prompted.
Spock shook his head. “I do not know the words. Besides, you have never shown interest--” His voice broke as he seemed to realize he had said too much.
Kirk laid everything out. “I never thought you had any feelings like that. Hell, after Vulcan I kept fantasizing that you’d come to my quarters and beg to fuck me.”
He watched as Spock’s eyes widened at the crude term. Spock looked at him. “I have spent nights imagining you kissing me. I have watched you kiss women, aliens, humans, even an android. They all seem to enjoy it.”
Kirk did not think he had ever wanted to kiss someone as badly as he wanted to kiss Spock at this moment.
He smiled. “If I kiss you, will you find the will to live?”
Spock smiled a truly honest open smile. “I will do everything in my power to do so.”
Kirk moved and at first the kiss was soft and tentative. Then suddenly, with surprising passion for someone with organ failure, Spock came to life beneath his lips and the kiss turned deep and passionate. He sucked Spock’s tongue into his mouth and Spock’s moan had him hard in seconds. Suddenly, Spock groaned in pain and began to gasp.
Kirk gently pushed Spock’s hair off his damp forehead. “It’s alright. Catch your breath.” Spock struggled for a few moments and then his breaths seemed less labored, although they still seemed very shallow.
Kirk leaned over and kissed his forehead. “If you live for me, we can do a lot more.”
Spock’s eyes seemed to sparkle. Kirk took Spock’s hand and brought it to his lips and kissed his knuckles gently. To his surprise, Spock gasped with pleasure.
“Vulcan hands are very sensitive,” Spock explained.
Kirk smiled and took one finger into his mouth and sucked gently on it. Spock moaned and to Kirk’s amazement, a part of Spock’s anatomy began to show interest. From organ failure to erection, Kirk thought, now we’re getting somewhere.
A moment later, with an expression of pleasure on his face, Spock slipped back into unconsciousness. After a short while, Spock’s body returned to normal and Kirk took another scan. He didn’t know much, but the graph looked better to him than last time.
McCoy answered his hail personally. “Jim, what’d you do to stabilize his kidneys?”
Kirk felt his cheeks flush slightly. “Uh,” he hesitated. “A very unorthodox method.”
McCoy looked confused. “Jim, why do you look like the cat that swallowed the canary?” He could see his friend trying to figure it out. “Surely you didn’t--his heart couldn’t have taken—Jim?”
“Relax, Bones, it was just a kiss.”
McCoy shook his head exasperatedly. “Damn, you have got to be the universe’s best kisser. His kidney functions improved seven percent.”
“They better. I told him if he wants more he’s got to live.” Kirk smiled.
McCoy looked perturbed. “Y’all are gonna be the death of me, you know?” His Southern drawl became more pronounced as his stress level rose.
Kirk flashed one of his megawatt smiles and said “Us?” as innocently as he could, but then he laughed knowingly.
“I’ll check on you in a couple of hours,” McCoy promised and severed the connection. Kirk returned to Spock’s side and drifted off to sleep.
***
He awoke to the insistent sound of the comm hail. Instantly he realized he was ill. His body hurt everywhere. It was impossible to focus. He was so cold that he knew he must be feverish. The console seemed light years away. With every ounce of energy, he dragged himself to the comm and instantly dropped to the ground, leaning against the metal for support.
“Jim?” he could hear McCoy’s frantic query.
“Here,” he managed to croak out.
“Jim, I’ve been hailing you for over 20 minutes straight. Where are you?”
“Had to sit down. Sick.”
“Good God, Jim. Can you get me a scan?”
Kirk tried to think. The scanner was by Spock in the aft part of craft. “Not for a bit. Can’t move yet.”
“Christine, tell Scotty we need to find a way to increase speed. The captain is ill now.”
“Jim, you’re scaring me. Let me see you.”
Kirk suddenly understood how Spock had felt like giving up. If this was any indication of how this virus worked, he knew it was going to be a rough go. “I can’t stand right now. Everything blurry. Too much pain. Give me a minute.”
“Okay. God, Jim. None of us have cracked this viral code yet. It was really engineered well. Is Spock ok?”
Kirk felt remorse. “I don’t know. I just woke up to get to the comm. I feel like shit Bones. I haven’t felt this bad since Vegan choriomeningitis fever. Maybe worse than that.”
Suddenly, he had to know if Spock was ok. With every resource in his soul he forced himself to his feet. He looked at McCoy and said “I’m going to get a scan of us. It’s gonna take me a bit.”
“Take your time, Jim,” McCoy said gently. “Don't forget to hold the side of the scanner with your thumb for two seconds between scans to save the data.”
“Right,” Kirk said, trying to focus on moving one leg in front of the other. Pain assaulted him from every joint and muscle. The lights in the craft, even at one-quarter power, seemed glaring. With effort he scanned Spock, who was breathing irregularly. He saved the data and scanned himself and then collapsed to his knees with pain. Time seemed to drag before he could catch his breath. Finally, he crawled back to the console and brought the scanner to it. With sheer willpower he uploaded the data and collapsed back on the floor.
After a moment, McCoy said, “Spock’s kidney functions are worse again. And your body’s progressing rapidly towards decline. I feel so useless here!”
Kirk wanted to reassure his friend, but there was no energy left in him to say anything. He let the console and the floor support his weary body and was grateful when sleep claimed him.
***
He awoke to McCoy’s voice. “For the love of God, Jim, let me know you’re alive. Please. You’re going to give me a heart attack.”
He dragged himself to his knees and faced the comm. “Bones, I’m still alive. When can you be here?”
“About seven hours. Scotty’s got us at maximum warp. Y’all have got to hang on.”
“Alright Bones, I’m gonna lie down now.” He crawled to Spock’s side. He had to be near him. Halfway across the craft fresh waves of pain began. He cried out. The craft seemed to spin for a moment, and he thought he was going to vomit, but it faded, and he closed his eyes and curled up in a ball. “Spock,” he whispered, desperate to know if Spock was ok. There was only silence. Tears welled up in his eyes. He remembered their kiss. He wanted so much. The love he felt for Spock was stronger than any love he’d ever felt in his life.
He forced himself back to a crawling position and moved slowly towards his friend. Finally, he made it to Spock’s side. With every ounce of energy, he could summon, he pulled himself up until he could see Spock. To his surprise, Spock was staring at him. His features were laced with pain, and he could see Spock was struggling to speak. Finally, Spock whispered his name. Kirk began to cry and laid his head on Spock’s chest, his legs threatening to give out beneath him. Finally, they gave out and he slid to the hard, cold floor. Tears poured down his face as he wanted so desperately to hold his friend. Suddenly, there was motion out of the corner of his eyes and he watched as Spock practically threw himself off the bed. The Vulcan slid painfully to the floor and lay still, his breathing coming in shallow ragged gasps. They were just a few inches apart now and they each moved towards each other. Crawling slowly, they finally met and collapsed in each other’s arms, a tangle of limbs. They lay still, each of them gasping in pain. Tears flowed freely down both of their faces. Spock rested his chin against Kirk’s head. Kirk clutched Spock as if his life depended on him, and together they finally fell mercifully asleep.
***
Kirk came to awareness differently. He had no sensation of his body, but he could clearly see sickbay from a bird’s eye view. He became cognizant of McCoy’s desperate cries. “Damn it, Jim! Don’t do this to me! Don’t do this to Spock! He’s kept his part of the bargain, now you’ve got to do yours.”
McCoy was frantically doing chest compressions on Kirk’s body while Nurse Chapel worked on the respirator. It was eerie watching them work on his lifeless body.
Kirk observed Spock in the bed next to his, unconscious, but with vital signs on the biobed readout. The monitor above his own body was completely void of signs of life.
He watched McCoy work on his body feeling a unique sense of freedom from the ceiling of sickbay. But he also could see Spock’s body and felt a sense of longing.
There was a sensation of brightness out of his peripheral vision and for a moment he felt like pursuing it, but a warning voice in his head told him if he did, Spock would wake up alone. There was a pull in the opposite direction. Warmth, darkness, and a hint of pain tugged at him. But he knew that Spock would be there, so he let the darkness claim him.
***
Once again, Kirk came to awareness, but he still could not connect with his body. This time, he had no vision, but he could clearly hear. He recognized Christine Chapel’s voice.
“Len, you’ve got to rest. You’ve done all you can.”
“If one of them would just regain consciousness, I know the other would be alright.”
“Both of their hearts are beating. That’s all you can ask for right now.”
Kirk felt the familiar tug of darkness and things went away again.
***
He had no idea how much time had passed when he heard McCoy’s voice again.
“God help me, I’m actually glad to see you,” the doctor teased. Spock must be alright, Kirk realized with a sense of relief.
“Jim?” came the concerned query, and Spock’s voice was shaky and weak.
“I’m fine, thanks for asking about the man who just saved both of y’all’s hides,” McCoy drawled. But Kirk could detect a hint of worry and deflection in his voice.
Spock must have picked up on it. “Is he alright?”
McCoy answered slowly. “His heart stopped for a bit. Gave me quite a scare. But he’s alive now. No brain activity yet, but his heart is beating on his own. Kidneys still getting help.” McCoy’s voice wavered. “Y’all scared the crap out of me.”
There was a long pause.
“The others at the conference?”
“One human, one Vegite , and a Regulan died before we cracked the RNA code. Starfleet Medical and I developed an antiviral. Everyone else has been given the antiviral. As far as I know, you’re the first person severely infected who has regained consciousness.”
Spock’s voice sounded stronger. “And it was bioterrorism?”
McCoy confirmed. “Yes. We actually got the guy who delivered the virus.”
“Indeed?” Spock queried.
“Yes, once Starfleet Security got involved, they noticed one of the conference attendees was actually reported lost in a shuttlecraft accident seven months ago. Quick investigation turned up that the person at the conference was a registered criminal from a planet on the border of the Klingon Neutral Zone. I don’t know what happened after that. I let Starfleet handle their investigation while I worked on an antiviral and on keeping the two of you alive.”
There was a pause. “Spock, he’s going to be alright. You both had a bargain. He’ll hold his side like you held yours.”
Even without his friend’s Vulcan hearing, Kirk could pick up on the sudden inhalation. He could almost hear Spock’s racing heartbeat.
“He spoke with you?”
He could hear Spock’s hesitancy and concern. McCoy tried to allay Spock’s worries. “Relax. I made him tell me what he did to make your kidneys improve seven percent. I told him he’s got to be the universe’s best kisser.” McCoy laughed. “I’m pretty sure that neither a kiss from me or Nurse Chapel would increase your renal efficiency by seven percent!”
“No,” Spock said hastily. “I would imagine not.”
McCoy’s voice softened. “If you feel up to it, I can get you sitting in chair by his bedside.”
There were sounds of commotion and then even though Kirk could not feel his body, he was suddenly sure that Spock was holding his hand. Running through his mind was the faintest hum of Spock’s voice murmuring “Jim”, but he did not think Spock was speaking aloud.
“Talk to him,” McCoy said softly. “Let him know you’re here. Maybe we can get some brain wave activity increase. I’m gonna go reach out to check on how others are doing.”
The awareness of Spock’s presence was stronger. “Jim,” the Vulcan said softly. “Please wake up.”
There was such tenderness in Spock’s voice that Kirk felt overwhelmed. Everyone else he thought he’d ever loved before seemed insignificant compared to Spock. Everything else was infatuation or lust. This was soul mate love.
“Jim,” Spock whispered. “ Th’y’la .”
Kirk tried to find his way back to him, but the dark warmth pulled him back again.
***
The next time Kirk came to, he could feel his body. Spock’s warmer than human hand was holding his. He remembered the first time Spock truly held his hand. It had seemed so natural, when Spock protectively grabbed his hand when he was trapped inside Janice Lester’s body. And Spock had given him an incredible neck massage when they were trapped in the brig awaiting execution. It had been sore from where Janice, in his own body, had karate chopped him earlier that day. Spock did give the best massages and there had been times he had been forced to quell emotions and desires at night when he thought about them too much. Now, he didn’t need to dampen any of those thoughts or feelings. The memory of Spock revealing his feelings to him brought a sense of warmth. Kirk felt more at peace than he had in a long time.
With great effort he forced his body to move. It seemed to take a great deal of thought process to get his hand to respond, but he finally was able to squeeze Spock’s hand. There was a rush of affection and relief that flooded him. It was as if he could feel Spock’s soul and the feelings brought tears to his eyes. He forced them open. “Spock,” he whispered hoarsely. His throat felt scratchy and the effort seemed tiring, but it was so worth it when Spock leaned over him and met his gaze. Tears began to well in Spock’s eyes, and suddenly Kirk could not keep back his tears. They poured down his cheeks as Spock leaned his forehead against his. A sob of relief escaped his lips as he felt Spock against him and the knowledge that they had a future together. The moment was broken by McCoy’s forced cough.
“Alright, y’all are gonna get me to bawling,” he said, his Southern drawl unusually pronounced.
Spock lifted his head off Kirk’s forehead and Kirk turned to smile at McCoy through his settling tears.
“Bones,” he said softly, “Thanks for saving us.”
McCoy nodded, then added gruffly, “One of these days I won’t be able to.”
“I know,” Kirk said realistically. “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?” the doctor asked.
“Because I know how much it’ll hurt you.”
There was a pause and the air was thick with emotion.
Kirk smiled at McCoy. “Can I go to my quarters?”
McCoy became irate. “Your quarters? Your kidneys weren’t even working on their own five hours ago!” Suddenly he seemed to gather himself under some semblance of control. “Look, you can rest here tonight. Spock can stay here the whole night. And if both of you behave, you may leave here tomorrow morning at alpha shift change.”
Kirk looked at Spock, suddenly aware that they were still holding hands the whole time. He squeezed Spock’s hand and smiled. “You gonna stay in this prison with me?”
Spock half-smiled at him. “Yes, Jim. I will stay with you.”
“Prison, eh?” McCoy snorted. “That’s the thanks I get. I’m going to my office.” But as he turned away, he winked at Kirk.
Now that they were alone, Kirk took the opportunity to look at Spock. He reached up and traced one of his exquisitely pointed ears. He felt a rush of excitement pooling in his abdomen.
“How long have you had these feelings?” he asked Spock, wondering how much time he’d wasted.
Spock looked at him seriously. “In retrospect I imagine I had unacknowledged feelings for a while. However, I first realized I felt an emotion that only seemed to be described as love when the good doctor gave a speech to me about how I would never know what love could do to a man. This was after the incident with Flint and Rayna. I felt jealousy of how quickly you seemed to become enamored with her. And when you were hurt, I projected a mental image in your mind to forget the pain. I should not have touched your mind without permission. Once I did, I realized that I had feelings for you that I did not fully comprehend, but Dr. McCoy’s description of love seemed to fit.” Spock paused. “I began to experience different emotions and desires. When you were trapped in Janice Lester’s body and we melded, and I could feel your mind even in another body, I knew that I wanted to be with you in every way. It seemed easier to touch you in her body at first. I held your hand and massaged your neck, feeling emotions and wants that I had never felt before when not under some alien influence. That evening, when you were back in your body, I dreamed of you in your body, with me.”
Spock paused, a flush of green tinting his face and ears. “I spent the next day researching male homosexuality and have been dealing with these wants for about three weeks now.”
Kirk processed the information and thought his heart would burst. “That’s by far the sexiest thing anyone has ever said to me in my whole life.”
Spock’s blush deepened but he seemed genuinely curious. “You have had desires for a longer period of time?”
Kirk mused on the situation. “When I decided to turn the ship around to take you to Vulcan against Starfleet orders, I knew you were more important to me than my career or the Enterprise. When we wrestled on the sands of Vulcan and I felt your arousal pressed against my leg, I knew I had sexual attraction towards you. But I’d never seen you have any sign of sexual desire outside of unusual circumstances, so I’ve been forcing those feelings away for a long time. I don’t want to force them away anymore.”
Suddenly Spock moved, capturing his lips in a searing passionate kiss. Spock’s hands cradled his head and Kirk reached up pulling Spock as close as he could with the awkward angle they were at. They paused for breath. Kirk’s body decided recent organ failure didn’t matter and he was rock hard and aching for more contact.
“Get up here,” he murmured pulling at Spock.
The Vulcan looked at him and looked at the biobed . “Jim,” he said softly, his voice thick with desire. “If I get up there the biobed sensors will trigger an alarm and Doctor McCoy would undoubtedly--”
Kirk held up his hand defeatedly. “Alright. I don’t imagine Bones would appreciate that.”
Spock half-smiled. “No. Besides,” he added, “I’d rather we be certain we can be alone before we engage in anything more intimate.”
Kirk took Spock’s hand and gently traced the back of Spock’s fingers watching as the Vulcan’s eyes dilated until they were dark brown pools.
“Spock,” he began, suddenly serious. “That mental connection you and T’Pring had? If I marry you can we have that?”
His first officer smiled at him. “The bond I had with her was weak and in the past decade or so I only felt her when I was in Pon Farr. When she declared the challenge, she severed the bond.” Spock paused and took both of Kirk’s hands in his own. Something changed and Kirk could suddenly feel Spock’s mind touching his own. “You and I have had many more meaningful connections with no bond. I believe if were to bond with each other, it would be stronger than this is now.”
Kirk could feel Spock’s love, affection, and desire washing over him. He tried to project his own feelings and wasn’t sure he was succeeding until Spock mentally whispered “I love you too.”
“Does that mean you’ll marry me?” Kirk asked aloud.
Spock extended his first two fingers and Kirk recognized the gesture from having watched Spock’s parents. He met Spock’s fingers with his own. “Jim, I will marry you. Will you bond with me?”
“Absolutely. After the whole business with Sargon, and Janice Lester, I am convinced I have a soul. I’m hoping that souls live on after death. I want to spend eternity with you.”
“Vulcans have the concept of katra . Similar to human’s concept of a soul. Our history is filled with mythological stories of lovers who carried their beloved’s katra after they died. I too believe we will live on. Likewise, I want to be with you forever. You accept me for who I am. You’ve never expected me to change to conform to someone else’s ideals.”
Kirk ran his hand gently down the side of Spock’s face. “I love you. Just as you are.”
***
At alpha shift, McCoy was good to his word and discharged them both to their quarters reminding them they were off duty until he cleared them, and he would reassess them at the end of his shift. They reached Kirk’s quarters and they walked in. Once the door closed behind them there was a moment of hesitation, and then they both fell into each other’s arms, kissing passionately, tongues dueling. The duo moved further into the sleeping area and Kirk pulled Spock onto the bed. Lying side by side was no longer enough and Kirk desperately pulled until Spock was lying on top of him. He shifted until he could get the contact he craved. Both groaned as their clothed erections touched. Kirk pulled Spock’s head back down and stifled Spock’s gasp with a kiss.
Kirk wanted to take it slowly, but he didn’t know if he could. He hadn’t felt this aroused and this desperate since he was a teenager. He wondered if everything he was experiencing was his own feelings or if he was picking up some of Spock’s wants and needs too. He was pretty sure it was a mixture of both. With impatience, he pulled Spock’s shirt over his head, barely able to pause kisses to get it off. They kissed intensely as he ran his hands over Spock’s muscled torso and then broke off the kiss, determined to get skin to skin contact. He kicked off his boots and worked on Spock’s , aware of the Vulcan pulling at his own shirt. Spock impatiently tore his tunic and Kirk briefly mused that his track records with shirts was not very good. To his surprise, Spock tore his pants off as well. Kirk slid his own briefs down quickly to spare them being torn too. He went back to finishing undressing Spock and peeled the Vulcan’s briefs off, pausing to run his hand over Spock’s bare ass. This elicited a moan that had him harder than he’d ever been before. He began to passionately kiss Spock while he let their bare cocks rub against each other. His hands possessively clutched Spock’s ass and pulled him as close as he could. It wasn’t enough. He knew what he wanted and with a sudden surge of energy he flipped their positions until he was on top of Spock. Kirk bent down and took Spock’s right nipple in his mouth and nipped it just slightly. The way Spock arched against him was its own reward. He switched to the left nipple, reveling in Spock’s moan. Then he slid his head down the trail of hair on Spock’s chest until he came to the prize he sought, standing proudly at attention amidst a bed of dark curls. He licked Spock’s dick gently and smiled to himself at Spock’s aroused gasp. “Jim,” Spock whispered, “No one has ever--” But once Kirk took Spock’s member inside his mouth, Spock no longer seemed capable of coherent speech and instead just moaned with pleasure, his hips rising up to meet Kirk.
Kirk tried every technique he knew to bring Spock pleasure and the Vulcan’s passionate gasps made his own dick leak copious amounts of pre-come. But he was determined to keep his focus on making Spock feel good. Suddenly, Spock gathered himself and with his superior strength flipped Kirk over effortlessly, laying him prone. Then he rearranged himself until his dick was back at Kirk’s mouth, but this time he was able to take Kirk’s weeping erection into his hotter than human mouth. Kirk was so turned on by the intimacy of the position and Spock’s conscious decision to pause his own pleasure that it took him a moment to get back to his task. Spock’s tongue twirled at the tip of his dick and he had to bite his lip hard to keep from coming right away. Then he took Spock back into his own mouth and within a few moments they both realized that neither of them could last much longer. Spock laid his hand against Kirk’s forehead, his forefingers touching his temple, and suddenly he could feel what Spock was experiencing. He felt how his own mouth felt to Spock and together the waves of pleasure ricocheted off each other until they both climaxed explosively in each other’s mouths. Spock practically collapsed on top of Kirk and then he managed to turn himself around until he embraced him, and his leg wrapped over Kirk’s legs possessively. Content and spent, they slept in each other's arms.
***
Kirk awoke and found himself still wrapped in warm Vulcan arms. He extracted a hand from their tangled limbs and gently ran his hand down the side of Spock’s face. Spock stirred and opened his eyes, gazing into Kirk’s. “You make be believe in luck,” Spock said simply. Kirk remembered a time they’d had a similar word exchange and he completed his portion, “You make be believe in miracles.”
Kirk noted a glint of moisture in Spock’s eyes. They seemed unusually expressive even though his face remained impassive. “What is it?” he asked gently.
“I can feel your affection for me.”
“I love you,” Kirk said emphatically.
Spock shook his head. “You do not understand what I have dealt with for so many years.”
Kirk guided Spock’s hand to his temples. “Show me.”
Spock dropped his mental shields and Kirk felt T’Pring’s hatred and revulsion. Starting at the age of seven, when their parents had them bonded, she repeatedly thought clearly to Spock that she detested him, regretted their bonding, and viewed him as an emotional alien outcast. It took Spock years to learn to shield her thoughts from his daily life.
Kirk found tears welling up in his eyes. Still feeling the mental connection, he whispered and projected as best as he could mentally. I’m so sorry, I love you so much. You’re perfect the way you are .
Kirk continued aloud. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I used to deal with some of my trauma from Tarsus with excessive alcohol and reckless sexual behaviors. I got in more fist fights than I ought to and didn’t learn to rein myself in until I spent time with you.”
Spock reassured him. “When I restored your amnesia after your encounter with the Preserver’s obelisk, I saw some of the things you endured on Tarsus. That you are sane is amazing. That you did not murder Kodos with your bare hands, speaks how honorable you are.”
“Spock, I have never loved anyone in my life the way I love you. You fill holes in my soul I did not even know were there.”
The Vulcan looked at him with such longing that it took his breath away.
Spock whispered, “We are talking too much,” and shifted, pressing his arousal against Kirk’s thigh. There was something about Spock being horny and needy that had Kirk harder than he’d ever been.
He began kissing Spock while stroking Spock’s leaking erection. Fumbling with his nightstand, he retrieved the tube of lube he kept for his own masturbation and taking his time rubbing behind Spock’s dick, he inserted one finger inside of Spock. The hotter than human orifice made his own erection twitch in anticipation. He slid down, taking Spock’s cock in his mouth as he worked on adding another finger to stretch Spock. When he had three fingers inside, he couldn’t take it anymore and he had to force himself to enter Spock slowly. He paused, reveling in the intense heat, and allowing Spock time to adjust to the new sensation. When Spock thrust his hips up against him, Kirk began to move, changing his angle until he heard Spock’s deep moan and knew he’d hit the right spot. They thrust against each other, until finally Spock cried out “Jim,” and his orgasm coated Kirk’s abdomen. As Spock spasmed around Kirk, he came himself, and nearly collapsed on top of Spock. Neither of them could speak for a moment as they both worked on catching their breath.
They rearranged themselves until they were comfortably facing each other on their sides. Kirk found his voice first. “That was hands down the hottest sex I’ve ever had.”
Spock smiled slightly. “I will defer to your greater experience in these matters, but it certainly was the best of my experiences.” A slight greenish blush crept up on Spock’s cheeks. “Of course, I’ve only had two other experiences and I was not in my normal mind frame in either of those circumstances.”
Kirk reiterated his comment. “It was the best anywhere anyhow. I love you so much.”
Spock said something in Vulcan that Kirk did not understand but he could see affection in his eyes. Spock translated. “ Th’y’la means friend/brother/lover. I cherish thee.”
“ Th’y’la ,” Kirk repeated. “I like that.”
He pulled Spock to him tighter. “When can we get married and bond? Do we need to go to Vulcan?”
“That would be the most logical option. Healers normally perform the bonding ceremony to ensure telepathic connections are correct. T’Pau performed the bonding ceremony on my parents so she has experience with a human mind.”
Kirk thought back to the icy Vulcan Matriarch and tried to imagine her bonding Sarek and Amanda. He couldn’t quite wrap his mind around it and for a moment tried to imagine T’Pau melding with Spock and himself. “Will she be repulsed by my thoughts and emotions?”
Spock gently carded his hand through Kirk’s tousled hair. “I do not think so. But if she does, she will do her duty anyway. Besides, repulsion is an emotion. It would be illogical for her to feel revulsion.”
Kirk couldn’t help but smile at Spock’s argument. He tried to think of assignments and star charts in his head. “Next week we have a few days between the assignment on Starbase 64 and the delegation on Elar VI. At Warp 7 we could reach Vulcan and have, what, two days to spare?”
Spock nodded. “Two point seven three days.”
“Let’s do it. Do you have to book reservations or something?”
“I can call my mother.”
Kirk straightened Spock’s bangs. “There. Now you can call her. Better get some clothes on though. You want me to stay out of sight?”
“For a moment,” Spock said simply.
Spock pulled on his clothing and sat down at Kirk’s desk. He asked Uhura to connect him to a specific comm unit on Vulcan and a few moments later Amanda answered.
“Spock!” she said excitedly.
“Hello, Mother.” Spock said simply.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, concern creeping into her voice.
“Nothing. I was calling to see if you could arrange for a koon-ut-kal-I-farr for the 8 th of Nishar .”
“Next week!? Do I know the person?”
“Affirmative,” Spock answered cautiously.
“Captain Kirk?”
Spock seemed stunned. “How did you know?”
Amanda laughed. “That’s easy. Even your father asked me on the way home from Babel if you had confided in me regarding your relationship.”
Now Kirk was as stunned as Spock.
“Mother, there was no relationship of that type at that time. How did Father know?”
Amanda seemed a little taken back. “Well, the Captain seemed to take your father’s snubs of you personally. You called your commanding officer by his first name. When the captain was injured your whole world narrowed to him. And, as your father said, you allowed him to touch you an obscene amount by Vulcan standards.”
Amanda paused. “And my mother’s intuition says the captain is sitting there right now; am I right?”
Kirk moved into view of the camera, remembering too late he did not have a shirt on. “Yes ma’am,” he said feeling a blush rise to his cheeks. He stepped out of view and hurriedly pulled clothes on and then returned to the camera.
“Lady Amanda, it would seem that Spock and I both have been lying to ourselves for a while now.”
“I’m about to be your mother-in-law so please don’t be so formal.” Amanda paused, evidently thinking. “You lost your own mother last year, did you not?”
“Yes, how did you know?”
“I remember Spock mentioning he was accompanying you to her funeral. I don’t want you to call me what you called her, but surely you can call me something not so formal.”
“I called my mother ‘Mom.’ How about I call you ‘Mother’ just as Spock does?”
“That’d make me very happy,” she said, genuine enthusiasm evident in her smile.
She suddenly seemed very emotional. “Thank you for loving my son.” Amanda blinked furiously at the tears that hovered in her eyes. “I’m going to go make arrangements. You can stay at the guest house for a honeymoon, if you’d like.”
“We can only stay on Vulcan for two point seven three days, but we would appreciate the offer,” Spock said simply.
“I’ll see you guys next week.” She paused. “I love you, Spock. Don’t worry, you don’t have to say it back.”
Spock looked at Kirk and then looked back at his mother. “I love you as well.”
This time the tears poured out of Amanda’s eyes and she smiled. “That’s the happiest you’ve ever made me. Bye.” She broke the connection, still dabbing at her tears.
There was a moment of silence before the door buzzed.
“Bones,” Kirk said and turned toward the door. “Come.”
McCoy entered tricorder already out. He scanned each of them, his expression one of great concentration. Finally, he finished and set the tricorder and Feisenberg on Kirk’s desk and looked at his two friends. “Well, I think you’ll live.” He smiled. “You can have one more day of leave. I don’t assume y’all will mind that extra time together.”
Kirk looked at him. “Bones, you didn’t seem surprised when I told you I’d kissed Spock.”
McCoy raised his brows. “I can now see that the two of you hadn’t gotten past first base before, but I didn’t know that until the other day.”
“First base?” queried Spock.
At the same time Kirk asked, “What do you mean?”
McCoy ignored Spock’s question and answered Kirk’s. “Like most people on this ship I assumed you two were already together.”
“What? Most people on the ship?” Kirk gasped. Spock’s eyebrows punctuated the questions.
McCoy nodded. “There’s lots of examples. Let’s see. You’ve put your arm around Spock on the bridge and talked about emotional security. You thought Spock was giving you a back rub and said, ‘Dig it deeper, Mr. Spock’. That one took some brain bleach when I heard the discussions in the rec room.” The doctor noted the duo’s stunned expression but continued. “There’s a whole lot of examples. I honestly believed when we were done on Vulcan and you said something about minding the store that you meant fulfilling a seven-year itch. Then security had a hay day when Spock held your hand in front of them. Hell, Scotty and I were in the brig with the two of you awaiting execution and Spock starts giving you a very non-platonic neck rub and you had some good sound effects that indicated it was a way better massage than any Spock would give Scotty or me.”
Kirk looked at McCoy and then back at Spock. “We’ve been a bunch of fools.”
McCoy nodded.
Spock asked simply, “Doctor, will you accompany us to Vulcan for our wedding next week?”
McCoy broke out in a wide grin. “Well, I’ll be damned. Never thought anyone could get Jim to settle down.”
Kirk purposefully reached over and took Spock’s hand in his own. “I’m settled permanently now.”
McCoy nodded. “I can see that. Y’all are good for each other.” He smiled and picked up his tricorder . “I’ve got other work to do. You have the next day off.” After he left and the door had closed behind him, Kirk smiled at Spock.
“We probably should take a shower.” He reached down and gently touched Spock’s groin. “And then I want to feel those beautiful double ridges inside of me.”
Instantly, Spock’s body responded and became hard. “Jim,” he groaned, rising his hips to increase contact with Kirk’s hand. “You do not know what you are doing to me.”
“Oh, I have a pretty good idea,” Kirk said with a smug grin, stroking Spock through the fabric.
They were soon both hot and heavy at each other, stripping clothes back off each other. Kirk fumbled in around the nightstand until he found the lube and he paused kissing Spock long enough to squeeze some onto Spock’s fingers. When Spock started stretching him out his anticipation warred with memories of past abuse on Tarsus. For a moment he froze, his mind trying to decide which way to focus. Spock sensed the change and stilled his movements but kept his fingers inside of Kirk. “Jim,” he whispered, locking eyes with him, “I will not hurt you.”
Kirk inhaled deeply and then squeezed his muscles around Spock’s fingers. “I know. I love you. I trust you.” He regained his usual demeanor. “Fuck me! Please.”
Spock leaned down and kissed him gently and continued to stretch Kirk, adding a third finger. Finally, he positioned himself and entered Kirk slowly. He paused at Kirk’s exaggerated exhalation as the human desperately tried to chase the demons from his mind. But his mind hovered between the present and the awful summer as a teenager on Tarsus. For a moment, Spock was gone, and Kodos ’ guards were there. Kirk was aware of the children and teenagers hiding in a cave depending on him for protection and he stopped fighting his abusers so that he could live to keep the others alive. His quarters faded in and out of his vision.
Suddenly, he could feel Spock’s love for him. Affection. Need. Desire. Strength. And Kirk took command of his mind and told himself that this was the present. He shifted until he could straddle Spock’s lap and then he purposefully slid up and down on the Vulcan’s engorged cock. He wrapped his arms around Spock’s torso, and kissed him with every ounce of passion he had. Spock’s hands went to Kirk’s waist and he began to gently move Kirk up and down, letting his affection and pleasure mesh into Kirk’s mind.
They continued moving together when a slight angle change created a spark of white lightening pleasure to course through Kirk’s body. He moaned into Spock’s mouth. Spock repeated the movement and Kirk’s head fell back as he came harder than he ever had before. As his body spasmed around Spock, the Vulcan came too, filling Kirk with his warm ejaculate.
They began kissing gently, keeping their intimate position as their bodies settled down. Kirk pulled back and looked at Spock lovingly. “I take it back. That sex was the best ever.” He smiled and looked purposefully into the Vulcan’s expressive eyes. “Thank you for banishing my demons.”
Spock rested his forehead against Kirk’s, pulling him tightly to his chest. “You overcame them on your own. I just was here to support you.” He caressed the side of Kirk’s face. “I will always be here for you.”
Tears welled up in Kirk’s eyes, but he blinked them back furiously. “I love you more than anything in the universe.”
“I love you too, Jim.” Spock said sincerely. “I am sorry I was ever ashamed of our friendship.”
Kirk thought back to those words a few years earlier. He realized that Spock was going to share his feelings for Kirk with the world by marrying and bonding with him. He wondered how long they’d both been burying their feelings for each other.
He reached out and ran his hand through Spock’s slightly disheveled hair. “You know when you escorted me off the bridge when the Gorgon entity was controlling those children and the bridge crew? I was holding you so tight and I wanted so badly to kiss you. When you whispered ‘Jim’ it took all my self-restraint not to act on that impulse.”
Spock smiled at him. “I don’t know how I would have reacted that day, but I know from now on I wouldn’t mind that.” The Vulcan paused and added as an after-thought, “Provided there is no one else in the turbolift with us.”
Kirk laughed. “Deal.”
***
After a long shower with lots of kisses and caresses they both ended up back in Kirk’s bed. They comfortably intertwined limbs and Kirk was surprised when Spock gently kissed him and then suddenly sucked his tongue into his mouth. What was so amazing was that as his tongue was pulled into Spock’s mouth he could clearly hear/feel Spock’s mental pleasure. The intimacy of being able to experience what Spock was feeling was awe inspiring.
Do that again , he thought to Spock, gratified when Spock picked up the thought. When Spock repeated the action, and he felt Spock’s love and affection wash over him, it was as if every trauma he’d ever suffered in his life vanished. Every pain and want was replaced with Spock’s unconditional love and tears poured down his cheeks in a mixture of emotions even he couldn’t fully identify.
“When we bond, will it be like that always?” he asked aloud.
“I do not know. I hope so.” Spock said, wiping the tears off Kirk’s cheeks.
***
They spent the rest of the day and the next together, making love numerous times and Kirk relished every moment. When it was time to return to work, neither of them were able to keep their hands off each other while getting dressed. Finally, they straightened their uniforms and Kirk grabbed one last quick kiss. “We’d better get to breakfast before Bones sends out a search party.”
Spock half-smiled at him and together they went to the rec room. McCoy had just sat down and grinned at them as they took a seat. “Y’all feeling fine?”
“Affirmative.” Spock said simply, while Kirk merely nodded.
“I think there’s a bit of paperwork we have to do for Starfleet. Marriage among senior staff protocol and all that.” McCoy reminded them.
“I completely forgot about that,” Kirk said, and to his surprise, Spock nodded. “It seems to have slipped my memory as well. Form 505-C and Form A197B both need to be filled out by a member of senior staff.”
McCoy nodded. “Paperwork already pending in your inboxes.” He smiled at them. “Might be nice to let Uhura and Sulu throw a party for you two.”
Kirk tried to wrap his head around the fact that most of the ship already thought he and Spock had been intimate with each other before now. Heck, even Spock’s parents thought they had!
“Sounds fine. I hope she can keep him in check. You know how crazy some of Sulu’s parties end up!”
They finished their breakfast in relative quiet and Kirk and Spock ended up in the turbolift alone heading to the bridge. Unable to resist the temptation, Kirk paused the turbolift for a second, stole a quick kiss, and then pressed the handle to resume the lift. Spock’s ear tips turned a light green and Kirk smiled at him.
The turbolift doors opened and they stepped out. Kirk sat in the command chair but after a moment swiveled his chair to stare at Spock. The Vulcan turned to meet his gaze and Kirk grinned at him. He mentally projected an image of going down on Spock and was rewarded by a definite green blush. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Uhura watching them and she grinned. Now Kirk blushed red. He tried to remind himself that his staff already thought this was an ongoing thing, but he couldn’t control his flush.
The day seemed to drag by, and Kirk could not keep his mind on anything related to work. When it was time for lunch, he and the senior staff headed to the rec room.
He and Spock grabbed their usual trays and sat down next to each other. They were quickly joined by McCoy who sat across from them.
Kirk barely could register anything McCoy was saying. He nodded where he thought it seemed expected of him. Suddenly feeling brave he discretely laid his hand onto Spock’s left upper leg. Watching his reaction out of the corner of his eye, Kirk noticed Spock’s accelerated blinking, but Spock showed no other sign of acknowledgement. All of a sudden , he felt Spock shift his leg almost imperceptibly and widen the spread of his legs. Feeling emboldened, Kirk slid his hand up a little higher and forced himself not to grin at Spock’s slightly exaggerated inhalation. He continued moving his hand up until it was almost at Spock’s groin.
Suddenly he was aware of McCoy. “ Y’all want to get a room?” the doctor asked with raised brows. Kirk pulled his hand back as if burned. “Sorry, Bones,” he said, feeling the color rush to his cheeks. His peripheral vision noted Spock’s corresponding blush.
“I was talking to the two of you for almost a minute and neither of you heard a word I said, did you?”
They both shook their head slightly.
McCoy laughed slightly. “I don’t know how to give you a leave for a nice long honeymoon, but I’m sure we can get a few days leave down the road. How many days are you staying on Vulcan?”
“About two,” Kirk answered simply.
McCoy smiled at him. “I don’t imagine that will be long enough to get the freshly-fucked look out of your eyes, but maybe it will be.”
Kirk knew Spock had to be blushing even worse than he was.
“Alright, Bones, you’ve made your point.”
The doctor shrugged. “Just stating the facts, Jim.”
“I know; I appreciate it.”
They finished their lunch in silence.
***
The next few days passed slowly. Every day seemed to drag horribly slowly, as Kirk looked forward to their evenings together. Chess games were abandoned for hot, steamy sex. They both couldn’t get enough of each other and the days seemed to pass slowly.
Finally, they reached Vulcan. Sarek and Amanda invited Spock and Kirk to spend the evening at their home. Kirk felt nervous. Sarek was still an intimidating figure to him, and the more he thought of T’Pau melding and seeing his love and lust for Spock, the more anxious he became. Still, he wanted to start his relationship off right with his in-laws, so he quashed his fears and calmly agreed to stay the night at their house.
“Are they going to expect us to stay in separate rooms?” he asked Spock as they packed a few things for their stay.
Spock pondered the question for a moment. “I do not know, but I do not think they will mind us being together. Particularly since they both thought we had been intimate before we actually were.”
Kirk nodded, wishing he could get rid of the butterflies in his stomach.
McCoy had agreed to beam down to Vulcan in the morning before the ceremony.
It was just going to be the two of him with Spock’s parents. Spock paused his efforts in packing his clothing and took one of Kirk’s hands in his.
“Jim, it will be alright. “
The fact that Spock was picking up on his unease touched Kirk. “There are just so many things I’m worried about. Your father. T’Pau.”
Spock caressed the side of Kirk’s face. “No one’s opinion but yours matters to me.” He paused. “My father will be alright with you. T’Pau may be disappointed in my decisions, but her opinion does not matter to me. She will do her duty.”
Kirk smiled at him. “I love you. You know that.”
“Yes, Jim. I love you too.” Spock switched to Vulcan and Kirk recognized the words this time. “ Th’y’la . I cherish thee.”
***
They beamed down to Spock’s home and Amanda welcomed them in. She was beaming and looked like it took every ounce of self-restraint not to throw her arms around Spock. Hesitantly she moved towards Kirk, and after a moment’s pause, Kirk enthusiastically hugged her, noticing the unshed tears that shimmered in her eyes under the bright Vulcan sun.
“Come on in,” she said, pulling back from the embrace. She turned towards Spock. “Your father will be home in around an hour. Why don’t you go unpack your things. You want to stay in your room until tomorrow and then you can have the guest house?”
Spock paused. “Are you alright with us both in my room?”
Amanda laughed. “Spock! You’re both adults. And believe it or not, but your father and I were once as fresh in love as you both are.”
Kirk could see that Spock could not wrap his head around the concept and he could not blame Spock for his doubts, considering how somber and intimidating Sarek had been when Kirk last saw him.
“Go put your bags up and then come join me for tea,” she suggested gently.
They went into Spock’s room and set their bags down and joined Amanda in the kitchen. Kirk sipped at his tea and fought the desire to run. His mind kept wandering to T’Pau , and he could not allay the feelings of concern he had about seeing her again. Spock looked at him worriedly but said nothing. To his surprise, Amanda commented. “You’re anxious, Jim? Is it alright if I call you that?”
“Yes, Mother,” he forced himself to say, finding the word harder than he had expected. For a moment he missed his own mother.
“About me? Sarek? Or the bonding?” she asked.
He winced under her keen eye. “Probably just the last two,” he said truthfully.
“Well, that’s good. Sarek will be fine. He’s come a long way in the past few months. You know, I think you and I need to have a good human-to-human pow-wow. God knows I could have used one before I bonded with Sarek, but there was no other human who’d bonded with a Vulcan before to give me advice.” She smiled at Kirk and then looked at Spock.
“You may need a pow-wow too. Did your father ever discuss anything like this with you?”
Spock shook his head. “Negative.”
She frowned. “Did you have much of a link with--” she paused “I don’t even want to say the bitch’s name!”
Kirk’s jaw dropped and to his amazement, Spock’s did as well.
Spock replied. “No, Mother. It was mostly just filled with her resentment. Over the years I learned to block her out. I had no mental contact with her for decades until--” Spock dropped off, evidently uncomfortable with the topic. Spock swallowed hard. “When she declared the challenge, the bond severed.”
Amanda nodded. “What have you read or learned on the topic of bonding and sexuality?”
Spock seemed stunned by the frankness of his mother’s question. He sat there motionless.
“Come on, Spock. I’m trying to help you here.”
Kirk watched as Spock visibly tried to relax. “Most of what I know I have heard from cruel school yard taunts. And I have read a large amount of Vulcan warrior poetry by Selinar and T’Senn .”
Amanda processed the information. “I’ll be honest I’ve never read much Vulcan warrior poetry. Was it general in nature or pretty graphic?”
To Kirk’s surprise, Spock blushed. “Quite graphic.”
Amanda smiled. “Well, that’s good. Takes the burden off me. Do you have any questions?”
Spock blinked and glanced hurriedly at Kirk. “Mother, I must admit I am not quite certain how to proceed with these questions.”
Amanda laughed. “Good. You can talk to your father when he gets home. I’m going to go talk to Jim.” She paused. “And you better really talk with Sarek, because I’ll find out if you don’t.”
She gestured for Kirk to follow her. “Come see my rose garden. I’ve made quite a bit of progress in getting roses to grow in this unhospitable Vulcan desert.”
Kirk looked at Spock and noted Spock’s subtle nod of acknowledgement. He followed Amanda into the garden. The roses were exquisite, and he looked at them appreciatively . Amanda pointed to a bench besides a particularly vibrant bush and they sat down.
She smiled at him. “You and Spock have mind melded before?”
“Mostly in the line of duty,” he answered simply.
“And some—recreationally?” she queried, a slight flush coloring her cheeks. Kirk felt his own face respond similarly.
“Yes, a couple of times.”
“I don’t think I could ever go back to sex without the mental link,” she said frankly. She looked down at her hands and then reached to the adjacent bush and busied herself with some leaves. “To be able to experience what your partner is feeling and thinking is beyond human intimacy.”
She turned back to face him. “The bond also makes it hard to continue arguments for too long.” She smiled again. “From what I’ve observed I think your mental link with Spock is already stronger than the bond Sarek and I share. I guess your minds are more compatible. I don’t imagine Spock could hide heart problems from you the way Sarek did from me.”
Kirk pondered things for a moment. Early on in their journeys, Spock had surprised him with his secrets about Talos IV and Captain Pike, however he did not think Spock would or could do something like that to him again.
Amanda continued, “The hardest part of bonding is letting a stranger into your mind. T’Pau is a most intimidating woman. It has not been easy to have her as a mother-in-law.”
Kirk was taken aback. “ T’Pau is—Spock's grandmother?”
She nodded.
Kirk was aghast. “She was so callous to him with the whole— pon farr affair.”
Amanda looked at him knowingly. “She has never quite approved of me or Spock.”
He felt his unease return. “I’m afraid I already have irritated her. She undoubtedly thought I was dead.”
His future mother-in-law looked at him as if she wanted to ask him something, but they were both interrupted by Sarek’s voice. “Amanda. Captain Kirk.” The Vulcan nodded slightly to both humans.
“ T’Pau is here and would like to meet with the two of you.”
Kirk noticed the shock in Amanda’s face and felt like his stomach was doing flips. He hadn’t even heard Sarek come in and he had enough apprehension about Sarek’s potential disapproval of their relationship.
He followed Amanda’s lead, standing up slowly, and made his way back into the house. At least it was cooler in the house. T’Pau was sitting in the living room and Spock was opposite her on a low sofa. Kirk went to Spock’s side and sat down, feeling Spock’s mind gently reach out to his. He was unsure how Spock was doing it, but he clearly felt Spock think It will be alright . He nodded to T’Pau as he sat down and was acknowledged with the briefest inclination of her head.
Sarek and Amanda sat down in two chairs next to each other. Kirk watched as Sarek and Amanda shared a glance, and he could see Amanda’s worry in the corners of her eyes and mouth. He noticed Sarek’s visage soften and Amanda relax slightly.
T’Pau looked Kirk directly in the eye, squinting her eyes slightly. She glanced at Spock and then refocused her attention to Kirk. He struggled to fight the impulse to squirm under her intense glare.
“When thee was last on Vulcan, were thee already partners?”
Kirk shook his head, vaguely aware of Spock doing the same. “Why do you ask?” He couldn’t resist asking her, beginning to feel overwhelmed that everyone apparently thought they had been intimate with each other long before they had .
One of her brows raised slightly. “Multiple reasons.” Kirk stared expectantly. T’Pau tilted her head. “I may be too direct for human protocol,” she warned. “Neither Spock nor thou fought each other with force. When I touched minds with Spock, there was a link between thee and I heard thy thoughts.” Kirk couldn’t stop his jaw from dropping. “And if my understanding of human anatomy is correct, thee were sexually aroused from contact with Spock.”
Amanda barely stifled a gasp. Kirk was not able to close his mouth even though he was aware that he was still gaping.
T’Pau straightened her head. “Why did thou risk thy career for Spock?”
Kirk was cognizant of Spock turning to stare at him. “Jim?” he queried. Kirk ignored him for a moment and began to recall everything that had happened on Vulcan. He looked at T’Pau. “You knew I had risked my career? And that’s why you intervened?”
Spock reiterated his question, “Jim?”
T’Pau answered for him. “Spock, thou did not hear the human in thy mind?”
Spock shook his head and Kirk tried to fathom how T’Pau had heard him through Spock. “Kirk clearly thought ‘his life is worth my career.’”
Spock was staring at Kirk and the human met his gaze. “Starfleet forbid my delaying getting the Enterprise to the inauguration on Altair VI.” He shrugged. “I diverted to Vulcan anyway. Bones said your life was in danger.” He turned back to T’Pau . “It appears I owe you a debt of gratitude for saving my job with Starfleet.”
The austere Vulcan’s eyes softened. “Thou saved my grandson’s life. There is no debt.”
T’Pau turned to Sarek. “My son, it is possible that I misjudged humans.” She looked from Amanda, to Spock, to Kirk, and then back to her son. “They are an honorable species.” Her face softened. “Perhaps someday I shall reconsider the Federation Council.” She stood up. “We shall adjourn until the morning.”
The rest of them all stood and Sarek escorted his mother out and returned to the room and glanced at his wife and son before meeting Kirk’s gaze. When their eyes met, Sarek’s face seemed to soften, before he turned back towards Amanda’s. He held out two fingers to hers, and then suddenly half-smiled and as her fingers reached out to his, he switched to open his entire palm and took her hand in his. “Sometimes,” he said with open tenderness, “the human way is a better way.”
Amanda seemed to melt into him, and her face brightened, unshed tears sparkled in her eyes.
To Kirk’s complete surprise, Spock closed the small gap between them and took Kirk’s right hand between both of his hands and said simply, “Indeed.”
After a few minutes, both couples separated, and Amanda brushed her hands over her long-flowing dress. “Let me get dinner on the table,” and she hurried off into the kitchen.
Kirk stood next to Spock, fighting the urge to fall into his arms. Spock’s eyes smiled at him, and he could feel the slightest hint of Spock’s mind against his. He could only imagine how much more intense it would be, once they were bonded.
Amanda soon had them seated around the kitchen table and Kirk was impressed by the mix of human and Vulcan décor. He had rarely eaten Vulcan cuisine and was impressed with the vegetable pastries that Amanda had made. At first, they ate in relative silence, and then Amanda seemed unable to keep quiet. “Are you sure you can’t stay more than two and a half days?”
Spock answered, “We are required to be at our next destination quite soon. However, we get leave in three point one four weeks and I believe we could come home for a visit.”
Amanda beamed. “Really? That’d be wonderful. It’s so good to have you home.”
Kirk noted the way Spock had relaxed and tried to fathom how an evening he had been so petrified of had turned out to end so pleasantly. He had been so scared of T’Pau and now he felt calm.
Amanda brought out a lovely cake that tasted like a mixture of lemon and coconut but was a Vulcan fruit that Kirk tried to catch the pronunciation of but missed. They finished their dessert and Amanda took the dishes to the kitchen.
She returned and smiled at Kirk and Spock. “I’ll see you in the morning. What time would you like breakfast?”
Spock looked pensive. “Perhaps we could have breakfast at 0900 and Doctor McCoy could join us?
Amanda nodded. “That’d be nice.”
Kirk added, “I’ll comm him to let him know” and he stepped aside and asked Uhura to relay the message to McCoy.
He stood still as Amanda fought the obvious impulse to hug Spock. “Good night,” she said, her hands purposely clasped. Kirk hugged her warmly. “Good night, Mother,” he said, noting her smile with a sense of satisfaction. Taking a breath, he inclined his head towards Sarek. “Good night, Father,” he echoed. To his amazement, Sarek’s eyes became almost as expressive as Spock’s even though his face remained generally impassive. Kirk could tell the phrase had been pleasantly unexpected. “Good night, my son,” Sarek said gently, and Kirk thought that he had never been as content as he was at the moment . “Good night, Spock,” Sarek said gently, and Spock nodded. “Good night, Father.” Spock then moved gently towards Amanda and laid an arm around her shoulder for the briefest of moments. “Good night, Mother,” he said.
Amanda blinked furiously as unshed tears sparkled. She smiled and then she and Sarek retired to their room. Spock led Kirk further down the hallway to his childhood bedroom. This time when he entered, Kirk looked at the room more fully. He tried to imagine Spock in his youth.
Suddenly Spock’s hand was caressing the side of his face, and he didn’t care to think anymore.
“Jim,” Spock’s baritone voice seemed deeper than usual, laced with affection and desire.
Spock leaned in and seized his lips in a passionate kiss. They collapsed together onto the bed, shedding clothes as they went. Kirk delighted in seeing Spock hard and needy for him. It was the biggest turn on, and he was already so hard. Their love making was frantic, and for a moment he could mentally hear Spock’s concern that they were being too loud with his parents being down the hall. Kirk thought back that he was quite certain Spock’s parents were busy with each other. That took the excitement out of Spock’s eyes for a moment, but when Kirk changed angles and repeatedly hit Spock’s prostate, Spock gave up worrying about moans and was rather vocal as he exploded against Kirk’s abdomen. His spasms pulled Kirk’s orgasm from him as well and he collapsed on the bed, spooning behind Spock and breathlessly snuggling into the crook of Spock’s neck. He wanted to have a second round, but sleep overcame them both.
***
McCoy beamed down and met them for breakfast. At first, McCoy seemed a little nervous, too, but he quickly warmed up under Amanda’s friendly tone and Sarek’s relaxed demeanor. Kirk met the doctor’s gaze a few times and he could tell McCoy was trying to gauge the situation, but he soon picked up on the calm attitudes of all household members, and McCoy began to visibly relax as well.
They rode the short distance to the same desert sands that Kirk and McCoy had accompanied Spock to a year ago. Once again, T’Pau arrived on the scene with an air of authority. But her eyes met Kirk’s and there was a softness there, instead of the beady distrust he’d faced the first time.
T’Pau began the ritual and the Vulcan words seemed familiar. This time she switched to her version of Standard after a moment. “ Dost thou commit thy life , thy mind, and thy body to Spock, James Kirk?”
“Yes, I do,” he answered.
“And Spock, dost thou commit thy life, thy mind, and thy body to Kirk?”
“Yes, I do,” Spock replied, and Kirk wanted so badly to kiss Spock or grab his hand.
T’Pau lifted her hand and said a slew of words in Vulcan, and then said softly in Standard “Let thy minds be one.” And suddenly T’Pau’s hand was at his temple and he felt an awareness of her presence. At first, he expected her mind to be a shocking intrusion, but it was gentle. Relax, Kirk. I will depart quickly. And then he felt Spock’s mind touch his. Worry, affection, love, trust, and a slew of other emotions rose between them. T’Pau was weaving their minds together as if their thoughts were threads. Kirk felt as if his mind was filled with light brighter than any sun he’d ever seen. The brightness and warmth encompassed him. Then, T’Pau did something else, and the light waned, until it was a pulse at the back of his mind, gently glowing. She withdrew her hand from his head, and he could feel Spock’s presence in his mind, a gentle, reassuring hum.
Kirk looked at the Vulcan and fought the desire to kiss him. To his amazement, Spock looked at T’Pau and said, “Human weddings require a labial agreement,” and suddenly Spock’s lips were at his and without conscious thought his arms wrapped around Spock. To his further surprise, Spock returned the embrace briefly and then stepped back. The bright Vulcan sunlight made a halo appear on Spock’s ebony hair, and the silver robes sparkled in the light. Kirk thought to himself that Spock had never looked as stunning.
T’Pau nodded at them briefly and then did the Vulcan salute. “Live long and prosper.”
Spock returned the gesture and both Kirk and McCoy nodded at her. Sarek and Amanda stood off to the side and waited for Spock and Kirk. McCoy gave Kirk a quick hug and smiled. “See you in a couple of days” and beamed back to the Enterprise.
Kirk and Spock rode in the air car with Sarek and Amanda back to the estate. They got out at the guest house and went inside. Once Spock had closed the door behind them and there was the sound of the air car departing, Kirk couldn’t resist anymore. He reached for Spock and they fell into each other’s arms. Kirk could feel Spock’s mind touching his. The rush of affection, longing, and desire mixed with his own.
They kissed passionately and moved as one, never making it past the living room. Fortunately, there was a large sofa there and they collapsed on it, clothing hitting the floor along the way. Kirk knew he wasn’t going to last very long. Everything that he had previously thought was intense, was shallow by comparison. He could feel Spock’s lust and need amplifying his own. Their love mixed together with all the longing and desire until they knew nothing but need. Spock’s hands were gripping his ass cheeks so tightly that he knew there would be bruises, but he didn’t care. He thrust against Spock, reveling in the feel of Spock’s naked body pressed against him. The shared sensations were quickly becoming too much for either of them and they came together, exploding on each other, as their kisses swallowed their cries. He could feel everything Spock felt, and the dual orgasm was amazing. Amanda was right. He could never go back to unbonded sex. He felt Spock’s mental hesitancy at the thought of his mother talking to Kirk about sex, but the thought vanished quickly under Kirk’s gentle kisses.
“I love you more than anything,” Kirk whispered.
“Jim, I cherish thee. More than anything.” Spock laid his hand against Kirk’s temple, and the bond flared even more strongly. He could feel Spock’s passion and devotion.
Using every ounce of mental energy, Kirk tried to reflect the feelings back to Spock and knew that he was successful when he felt the mental shimmering along the bond.
It was amazing the changes the course of their life had experienced in such a short time. While everybody else already had assumed they were together, they had been burying their feelings for each other for a while. No more time would be wasted. My husband Kirk thought proudly. Spock gently cupped his face and kissed him softly. Mine Spock thought back. Kirk pulled Spock closer to him and began to make love to him again. This trip to Vulcan, we both get laid he thought smugly. Spock’s mental smile radiated in Kirk’s mind as they began their married life together.