Work Text:
Better Than I Know Myself
--Dean--
Dean stood facing Castiel across the war room table, none of the conflict showing in his expression as he tried to decide what to do. It had been made perfectly clear, if he wanted to help Sam, he needed to send Cas away. But Dean was reluctant to send his angel too far from him, no matter how he acted nowadays.
Cold as ice
And more bitter than a December
Winter night
That's how I treated you
And I know that I
I sometimes tend to loose my temper
And I cross the line
Yeah that's the truth
Cas had walked out of the room some time ago, a dejected expression on his face, but Dean hadn't been paying attention. They had gotten into far too many fights lately, and Dean did his best to push the angel away. It was for Cas' own good. At least, that was what he kept telling himself. But in reality, Dean was scared: scared he couldn't protect the people he loved the most. And wasn't that a kick in the teeth; he loved Cas but had yet to tell him the depth of his feelings.
I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say
'Cause if I wanted to go
I would've gone by now but
I really need you near me
To keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave
I would've left by now
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself
--Cas--
Cas walked through the hallway that led to his room, thinking over what had happened in the war room with Dean. He was lost in thoughts, mostly about what was going on with Dean. Something about that conversation wasn't sitting well with the angel. He knew that Dean would always put Sam's safety first. He had come to accept that, but still...something felt off. Emotions went through his mind one after another before settling on resignation. He still felt invisible to Dean sometimes, thought that there was more to them than this, but the constant fights were starting to wear him down. It was starting to look like he had a choice of his own to make as well.
All along
I tried to pretend it didn't matter
If I was alone
Deep down I know
If you were gone
For even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn
'Cause I'm lost without you
--Dean--
Dean let out a heavy sigh as he collapsed back into the chair behind him. He went over the fights and Cas' reactions to them in his head, trying to figure out what to do next. It was hard though, because if he was on the other side of those arguments, it would be only a matter of time before it got to be too much, and that reaction was the one he was the most afraid of; Cas leaving him/them. He needed the angel here, but he had to put his brother's safety first. Sam was his responsibility. Personal feeling had to come last no matter how much it hurt.
I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say
'Cause if I wanted to go
I would've gone by now
But I really need you near me
To keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave
I would've left by now
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself
--Cas--
After thinking things through Cas came to a decision. He would abide by Dean's wishes and leave, no matter how much it hurt. Looking around the room he called his for the longest time, he couldn't help but reminisce about the times he shared with his hunter and his brother. That was what was making this decision so hard. His feelings for his hunter had changed long ago from friends to more, but he knew Dean didn't feel the same, so he never spoke of them. And now it seemed like he would never get a chance too.
Taking one last look around his room Cas turned a left, closing the door behind him. He then made his way towards the exit of the bunker, pausing just long enough by the war room to check on Dean.
I get kind of dark
Let it go to far
I can be obnoxious at times
But try and see my heart
'Cause I need you now
So don't let me down
You are the only thing in this world
I would die without
'Cause if I wanted to go
I would've gone by now but
I really need you near me
To keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave
I would've left by now
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself
--Dean--
Dean looked up just in time for his green eyes to meet Cas' blue ones. He saw resignation in them and new that the decision that he had been dreading had been made. Cas was leaving the bunker, leaving him and it was all his fault. If only he had the courage to speak about what was going on....
He paused at that thought, maybe there was a chance that it wasn't too late after all. Filled with new determination, he pushed himself to his feet and made his way over to his angel
“Cas, wait,” he called softly. The angel remained still as Dean slowly approached him. “Look, this isn't easy for me to say.... but you deserve more that the way that I have been treating you lately. You deserve to know why I've been the way I have.” Dean paused, trying to come up with the words to say what he needed to.
Cas tilted his head as he studied Dean, “Something has been bothering you, but why won't you let me help?”
Dean sighed, “It’s not that easy. They're making me choose; Sam's safety or you, but I can’t go through with it....
“'Cause if I wanted to go I would've gone by now but I really need you near me To keep my mind off the edge. If I wanted to leave I would've left by now But you're the only one that knows me Better than I know my self. Don't you see Cas, telling you to leave is the last thing I want to do. I love you, but Sam's safety is my responsibility too....”