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The rest of the evening following Tommy’s visit was slightly tense. Ellie tried her best to ignore the atmosphere and Dina focused her attention on JJ.
Eventually, they acquired some semblance of normality by preparing dinner together. Their usual fluid back and forth returned as they danced around and connected.
Finally, a meal of rabbit stew, steamed vegetables and sweet tea was prepared with a more baby-friendly version for JJ. Ellie set JJ up in his high-chair at the head of the table, sat in the seat adjacent and Dina carefully set their hot plates down on the placemats.
“Come on Potato, open wide,” Ellie said as she flew and dived the spoon of food through the air dramatically.
JJ, like many babies, fell for the trick to get him to eat and babbled as he accepted the mushy food offered to him.
Ellie grinned, “Attaboy.” No matter her mood, caring for and playing with JJ never failed to cheer her up. Never failed to spread warmth throughout her entire body.
Dina brushed her hand softly against Ellie’s shoulder as she walked behind her chair to the other side of the table.
“Eat up bud so you can get big and strong,” Dina grinned at JJ and picked up her knife and fork.
Ellie convinced JJ to eat a little more before he started to evade the spoon with closed lips.
Dina nudged Ellie’s leg under the table, “Don’t forget about your food babe.”
Ellie huffed when she realised JJ had no more interest in the flying spoon or his food. She set aside his and ravenously attacked her plate.
The delicious blends of spices and textures soothed her empty stomach and in no time at all, she had cleaned her plate.
She looked up to see Dina amused. Ellie shrugged sheepishly, “What? I’m hungry! I’ve got to get big and strong as well you know.”
“Please babe. You and I both know that no matter how much you eat nothing is staying on that body of yours.”
Ellie nudged her foot into Dina’s legs under the table, “Oh really? I guess I’m not strong enough to lift you the way you like any more then huh? I’m not strong enough to hold you down when you beg me to…”
Ellie’s flirty teasing was cut off by Dina’s foot as it rose up her legs seductively and Ellie reached down to gently caress it.
The two stayed embraced for a few delicious seconds before they were interrupted by a squeal from JJ. Their eyes stayed locked hotly onto each other’s few more moments.
Dina whispered, “What am I going to do with you huh?”
Ellie grinned gently, “Nothing. You’re stuck with me.”
Dina huffed, rolled her eyes and lifted herself from the chair, “You’re lucky you’re cute.”
Dina motioned to clear up the plates when Ellie reached out and stopped her, “Babe, go settle down with Potato and I’ll grab the dishes.”
Dina kissed her cheeks in gratitude and lifted JJ from his highchair, “Come on bud, let’s go get you cleaned up.” She cradled him onto her hip and made her way up the stairs to their bathroom.
Ellie took up the dishes from the table, walked into the kitchen and placed them down next to the sink. While she waited for the hot water to fill the sink, she stared aimlessly out the of the windows into their field.
“So, I’ve been putting out feelers for months now.”
Ellie turned the tap off and scrubbed the plates and cutlery clean. It was a methodical chore, something she could lose herself to her thoughts in.
“Described her as built like an Ox, travelling with a kid with scars across his face.”
Tommy had left hours ago but Ellie still heard his hopeful voice as though he were standing right next to her.
She couldn’t, could she?
She had sworn to herself, Dina and the unborn JJ that they were finished with all of that. Of course, she still burned with grief at the loss of Joel, still felt the hot rush of bloodlust through her veins, but she was done, right?
“We’re done with that.”
She placed the final piece of dinnerware onto the drying rack, wiped her hands dry with the dish towel and leant back against the countertop behind her with crossed arms.
Ellie bit her nails, a nasty habit she had picked up, and stared moodily out into the field.
“I’ll make her pay.”
Joel, beaten, bloodied on the dirty ground flashed across her mind.
Seattle. Nora. Owen. Mel. Jesse. Tommy. Dina. Joel. Abby. Joel.
Joel.
Joel.
Joel.
“I’ll make her pay.”
“Babe? Ellie? Ellie!”
“I’ll make her pay.”
“Huh,” Ellie replied when she snapped back into focus.
She looked over to see Dina concerned in the kitchen entryway. Their eyes met, Dina walked slowly over to her and joined her side.
“You thinking about Tommy?” Dina questioned cautiously as though she was scared of the answer.
Ellie sighed, “Yeah.”
Dina rested her head on Ellie’s shoulder, “You don’t owe him anything you know?”
Dina closed her eyes when Ellie didn’t respond immediately. She stepped in front of the taller woman, held her tightly and nestled her face into Ellie’s neck.
Ellie returned the embrace and placed a gentle kiss against Dina’s hair on top of her head. “I love you.”
“I love you,” Dina replied and placed wet, purposeful kisses against the slim neck in front of her.
Ellie chuckled slightly, “Babe.”
Dina hummed and began a lusty path up Ellie’s neck. When she reached her ear, Dina nibbled it the way she knew Ellie liked.
Ellie knew it was a distraction from the situation but damn, it was effective.
Ellie’s soft moan was smothered when the pair's lips crashed together. They stayed locked in each other’s embrace for a few hot moments before Ellie felt the other women pull her out the kitchen and towards the sofa in the living area.
“JJ?” Ellie said half-heartedly when Dina pulled her on top and wrapped her legs around her hips.
Dina began to undo the buttons of Ellie’s flannel and stared with dark eyes into her own, “Sleeping.”
“Okay.”
---
Ellie reached over and pushed a strand of Dina’s hair back behind her ear as she slept.
Watching the woman sleep was a common occurrence for Ellie as she had a rough time sleeping most nights. She often found herself gazing at the beautiful woman and soothing her when it looked like she was in the throes of a nightmare.
This time, JJ slept in between them on his back with Dina’s hand on his belly. He snored very softly with dreams that had him gurglingly occasionally and a smile curling his lips.
There was little that could soothe her nerves, especially after Seattle, but this was one method.
Ellie kept vigil with soft eyes, ready to defend her small family from anything that could harm them.
“That’s gotta be her.”
“I’ll make her pay.”
Dina huffed a large sigh and adjusted her body.
Could she leave them behind to try and find Abby based on a lead that could very well be cold by the time she got there?
“Don’t ever let me see you again.”
Was it worth giving everything up to go after her again?
The bloodlust raged louder than ever before. Before it had been just about avenging Joel. But now.
The bullet hole in Jesse’s head and his vacant eyes flashed into view.
She saw Tommy’s unmoving body.
She could still taste the blood in her mouth as she crawled towards Dina’s breathing but damaged body, fear clouding her mind.
Could she put herself through that again? Could she restart the seemingly never-ending chain of violence and revenge?
Was it worth it? Or should she give it up and try to work through her pain in a much healthier way?
They had slowly been working through their issues with a doctor up in Jackson. They had returned there and lived with Dina’s parents throughout the early stages of her pregnancy while Ellie had been fixing up the Farmhouse.
At first, they visited Jackson every two weeks to give JJ time with his grandparents. After prodding from Maria, they had begun to see Doctor Hamilton who had been a mental health specialist in the old world.
It was slow going, as was to be expected after everything they went through, but they had each other lean on. Dina had been her rock for what seemed to be forever. Even half-delirious and in agony backstage in the theatre in Seattle, she had never wavered in her love and trust.
In times like these, Ellie was too scared to close her eyes for fear of finding everything missing when she next opened them. It often led to heavy bags under her eyes throughout the rest of the day which Dina would kiss with her soft lips without fail.
JJ reached out in his sleep and knocked his hand into her arm. She gave it a little kiss before he reclaimed it.
Was it worth it?
“Don’t let me ever see you again.”
“I’ll make her pay.”
Ellie sighed and slowly stood up out of bed and fluffed up her pillow next to JJ so he couldn’t roll away too far.
Goosebumps raised on her arms from the open window in the room and she walked over to close it.
She walked downstairs knowing that her restlessness would eventually wake up the other two which she wanted to avoid.
She found herself back in the kitchen as she did earlier that day. She got herself a glass of water and let the cool liquid soothe the burn in her throat.
Out the corner of her eye, she saw the map that Tommy had bought with him in the waste bin. She bit her lip in contemplation and with a resigned sigh, she quickly fished it out and laid it flat on the countertop.
Despite the wrinkles, she still made out the black circle Tommy had placed around Santa Barbara.
Joel.
Jesse.
Tommy.
Dina.
“Hey,” Dina said in the entryway.
Ellie jumped, unsure at how long she had caressed the mark absently.
Dina came up behind and wrapped her arms around her waist. She laid her head against Ellie’s back and pressed a firm kiss into the muscle.
“Stay,” Dina pleaded.
Ellie turned in Dina’s arms and stared out into the blackness of the night.
Joel.
Jesse.
Tommy.
Dina.
Dina.
Dina.
“Don’t let me ever see you again.”
“We’re done with that.”
A new voice.
“I don’t think I could ever forgive you for that. But I’d like to try.”
Joel stared at her hopefully, “I’d like that.”
Ellie gasped as tears streamed down her cheeks. “Joel…”
Dina backed her arms up and cupped Ellie’s cheeks, “Would Joel want to throw away your life for him? He risked it all to keep you safe because he loved you.”
Ellie reached up and held onto Dina’s wrists, “He wouldn’t want me to, but I can’t stop thinking about her and what she did to Joel. To us.”
Dina shook her head, “We have a family Ellie. She doesn’t get to be more important than that. Don’t you get it, babe? The best way we can honour Joel is by living the life he gifted us.”
Ellie nodded through the tightness in her throat and turned her head to press a kiss into Dina’s right palm. “Joel loved me.”
“Yes, he did. So did Jesse. So do I. So does JJ. Same for Maria and even Tommy. You are loved, Ellie.”
Ellie laughed brokenly in realisation, “She doesn’t get to be more important than that. I don’t want to miss a single moment of our future because of her. Our family comes first.”
Dina smiled, “Family first.”
Dina stepped back, grabbed her hand and led her back to the stairs, “Come on babe. Let’s go back to bed.”
JJ woke up in his spot in the middle of the bed when Ellie and Dina sat up against the headboard.
“Hey, my little Potato,” Ellie whispered while she tickled his belly softly. JJ gurgled and reached towards Dina.
Ellie watched in awe as Dina lifted him to her breast and began to feed him.
How could she leave this?
She softly played with the material of his pyjamas on his leg that kicked about wildly. “We’re going to be here for all your moments. I’m going to teach you to play the guitar and mama’s going to teach you her sweet moves.”
Ellie looked up at Dina’s laugh. She looked tired but Ellie thought she was her most beautiful at this moment.
“We’re going to tell you stories about your dad.” She took a deep breath, “I’ll tell you about the greatest man I’ve ever known.”
She grinned at Dina, “We’re going to raise him to be the strongest, most caring man. We’re going to embarrass him and love him for all the rest of time.”
Eventually, JJ fell back to sleep and they set him down in his crib.
Dina’s head lay against Ellie’s shoulder as she slept on. Ellie brushed that rogue strand of hair back behind Dina’s ear and kissed her forehead sleepily.
The bloodlust had simmered. It would always be there, that she was certain of. Some things were just more important.
“Family first,” she whispered as she finally submitted to the rest her body craved.
Her dreams were filled with memories of clumsy fingers on guitar strings, misplayed chords and a strong, encouraging voice.
Joel smiled. “All in good time. You’ll get it eventually, baby girl.”
I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
‘I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing’ – Aerosmith