Chapter Text
“Hello? Earth to Ellie.”
Ellie abruptly tore her gaze from the spot on the other side of the diner that it had constantly been returning to for the past half hour and, after taking a second to regain her senses, settled it instead on the girl seated beside her. “Sorry,” she exhaled, shaking her head.
“It’s alright,” Dina replied with a smirk and a shrug of her shoulder. “Guess I’m just a little jealous that something other than me is occupying all of your attention.”
Ellie’s heart skipped a beat. The flirtation was real. She almost felt like she could reach out and snatch it from the air if she wanted to. But even though her stomach was filled to the brim with excited little butterflies at the recent developments in their relationship, her mind was nevertheless elsewhere. She just looked down at her half-eaten plate of diner grub and shook her head. “It’s nothing.”
“Hmm,” Dina pursed her lips and shot her a look that said she was calling the bullshit flag. Then, she lazily gestured towards one of the boys sitting across the table. “Well, Jimmy here would beg to differ.”
“Hey!” Jimmy snapped his head towards them, abandoning the side conversation he had been having with Marcus. He scowled at Dina, both in seriousness and joviality. “Don’t blame me for your nosiness,” he scoffed in defense. Then, he trained his eyes on Ellie, his fiery expression softening. “Ellie, you’re fine,” he said, holding his hand out as a physical reiteration of his words.
“Thanks Jimmy, I appreciate that,” Ellie snorted, amused by his dramatic reaction.
“Anytime,” he replied with a wink, confidently leaning back in his chair and returning a toothpick to his mouth. He turned his attention back to Marcus, and the two boys continued their mildly heated debate over which camp trail was better for bringing dates.
“Idiot,” Dina sneered, quiet enough so only Ellie could hear.
Ellie released a breathy laugh. “Look who’s talking,” she teased, bringing her hand up to lightly push against Dina’s shoulder in jest. In response, she raised both arms and dropped her jaw in a gesture of feigned offense.
“Combative today, aren’t you?”
“No more so than any other day,” Ellie retorted with a snicker. She was planning to say something else after that, but a movement from that spot across the room yet again pulled her attention away from the conversation at hand. In the dim light of the diner, she observed a figure dressed in a tan jacket and thick blue jeans rise from a table. Oh god, she thought as the butterflies that had been fluttering around in her stomach all merged together to form what felt like a large, lead weight. Well, it’s now or never.
“Actually, I gotta go,” she said, leaning over to hastily unzip her backpack, which was sitting on the ground at her feet. Her hand dove in, shoveling through its unorganized contents for a few moments before finally procuring the item that she had been searching for.
“Oh. Alright,” Dina timidly responded as Ellie jumped up from her usual spot at the table and clumsily slung her backpack over one shoulder. But after hearing the woe tinging her voice, she slowed down her frantic movements.
“I’m sorry, I just—” she stopped mid sentence, nodding towards what she had been staring at all night long in an attempt to explain her departure. Dina followed her eyes to the figure moving toward the exit of the diner, and then glanced down to the item held within Ellie’s grasp. Her expression morphed into one of understanding. “I gotcha,” she said with a warm smile. In the next second though, she jabbed her in the ribs. “Have fun, alright.”
Ellie swatted her hand away, secretly relieved by the return of her playfulness. “Yeah, you too,” she said before pushing off from the table and walking backwards towards the door. “Just don’t let those two knuckleheads get you into too much trouble,” she called over the clamor of the densely packed diner.
Jimmy and Marcus both flew their heads to the side, once again distracted from their fierce discussion. “Hey!” they yelled in unison this time, outrage flashing across their faces. Dina threw her head back in hearty laughter, and Ellie let out a giggle of her own before turning her body to chase down the man who had already exited the establishment.
Hot on his heels, she flew out the door behind him. Her body involuntarily shuddered at the bitter chill of the air outside the warm confines of the diner. She quickly scanned the immediate area and spotted him a few yards away, walking in the direction in which she knew his home to be. She elongated her strides to close the gap between them and, before fully catching up with him, concealed her hand behind her back.
“Hey Joel, wait up.”
Joel’s head perked up as her voice rang out, and he abruptly ceased all forward momentum. He paused for a single moment, just planted there in the road with his back to her. But in the next beat, he turned around in a simultaneously swift and sharp motion, almost as though he was a puppet being commanded to move by invisible strings attached to his limbs. When his body once again fell motionless, he cast his sight down to her.
“Hey,” he said gently, calmly. The only indication of his surprise was in the slightly widened state of his eyes. Oh man, oh man, she thought. Here we go.
Deciding that it was probably best to make some attempt at an icebreaker before revealing the real reason why she had ambushed him on his way home, she quickly thought over her options. After a moment’s deliberation, she settled on the oldest trick in the book. She would start by asking him about his day.
“Heard you had to get up at the buttcrack of dawn this morning.” The wintry cold caused her breath to fog up around her face when she spoke.
“Yeah.” He responded, relaxing in his stance ever so slightly. “There were reports of infected up north, so Tommy and I left early to go check it out.”
“How’d it go?”
“Was stormin pretty good up there, an’ we came across a few hordes of runners. But, it was nothin’ we couldn’t handle,” he replied with a shake of his head.
“That’s good.”
This was already one of the longest conversations they had in years. What the fuck are you doing Ellie? You haven't thought this through.
Suddenly taking an interest in the small pile of snow at her feet, she tried to prepare herself for what she was about to say next. But before she could get out any words, Joel cleared his throat and spoke up.
“I, uh... I heard you were paired up with Dina today.”
Ellie snapped her eyes back to his, visibly shocked by his assertion. She recalled their conversation the night before, when he had asked if Dina was her girlfriend. Oh, how so much has happened since then. Not knowing what else to say, she simply replied: “Yeah, I was.” Her voice came out a little shakier than she would have liked for it to.
She prayed he wouldn’t ask her if they were together, because fuck if she knew how to respond to something like that. Surely she couldn’t deny it again, not after everything that happened in Eugene’s weed basement. But she still didn’t know what their relationship was - it was all so new. Wait, god, were they together? After making out earlier that day, they had simply finished their patrol route and didn’t mention it again. But the way Dina was so openly flirting with her at dinner…. Goddammit Ellie, focus! She snapped her attention back to reality. Then mentally punched herself, because approaching him was looking more and more each second like the worst idea she’d ever had.
However, to her relief, his next question was much less pointed than she had anticipated. “How’d it go?”
She released a breathy laugh as she realized that she had just asked him the same thing not moments before. She playfully cocked her head to the side, knowing full and well what he was really asking. She resolved to answer his question with as little detail as possible, letting the implications she conveyed in her demeanor speak louder than her words.
“It was good I guess,” she responded innocently, with a devilish smile.
“Hmm.” he nodded, a knowing grin gracing his features.
Oddly, Ellie found herself at ease. She had worried for the entire day about how this interaction would pan out, but so far it was actually going… dare she say, well? Standing here in the present moment, she admittedly felt a little ridiculous looking back on her earlier fears. But could she really blame herself for that? Joel wasn’t exactly deserving of the benefit of the doubt. So fucking far from it. Nevertheless, the confidence she required in order to say what she had been planning was now coursing through her veins. Before she could convince herself otherwise, she decided to just spit it out.
“Look, are you gonna be, uh, busy in an hour or so?”
Joel, looking more than slightly taken aback by this change in the conversation, was a little slow on the uptake. “Don’t reckon I got anything planned.” He shifted his weight awkwardly between his feet, bringing his hands up to rest on his hips. “Whats up?”
“Oh nothing. I just—” In one fluid motion, she revealed the hand that she had hidden behind her back and cast her eyes downward to inspect the item that was grasped within its hold. “I found this out on patrol the other day,” she raised her eyebrows, “and it seemed like it was right up your alley.”
She turned the copy of Curtis and Viper 2 towards him and brought her eyes hesitantly back up to his face. Which was completely void of all expression. He was just staring at the movie in her hands with his mouth slightly ajar, face unreadable. It was clear he was trying to mask whatever emotions were coursing through his body - and maybe overdoing it just a tad. But she still wasn't finished. Oh god, here goes nothing.
“Wanna watch it?” Ellie asked with a shrug. Her nonchalant appearance betrayed none of the turmoil bubbling within her. She was surprised at her own resolve, and she mentally clapped herself on the back for keeping her shit together.
From an outside perspective, the exchange appeared innocent enough. She was just asking to watch a cheesy 80’s action film, after all. Nothing out of the ordinary. But of course, it wasn’t nearly so simple. If fucking only. No, this right here, this was not just a movie night. This was her first time reaching out, finally, after two years of radio silence. This was her attempt at the forgiveness she had mentioned just the night before. And this was the possibility of redemption for the both of them, as well as for their relationship.
Joel appeared to snap out of his daze. “I uhm—” He cleared his throat, visibly struggling to find the words. “I’d love to, kiddo.”
And with that, Ellie grabbed the movie with her other hand and extended it out to him like a peace offering. Like an offering of so much more. “Your place?”
Joel examined the item in her hand for a few beats, brow furrowed in thought, before accepting it. “Sure thing,” he simply responded.
“Cool,” she chirped, fiddling with her now free hands.
They both stood there for a moment, just looking at each other. She wasn’t exactly sure what to say next; and judging by the reciprocal silence of the man in front of her, apparently he didn’t either. She sighed once, casting her gaze downward, and attempted to gather her bearings. But despite her best efforts, she could feel her tenacity slipping as her plan was now laid out in the open for all to see. It felt different when it was cooped up inside of her head, where the only person who could touch it was her. Now that she’d uttered the words, what had once been a mere thought was quickly transpiring into an eventual reality.
She anxiously thought about how it would all go. What the hell would we talk about? Would it ever be the same as it used to be? God, do I even want it to be?
For a split second, she wished she could snatch the movie out of his hands and take back everything she had just said. Everything she had just offered him. But she knew that there was no going back now, even if she wanted to. Fuck, do I want to?
No matter. It was all useless anyway. She dug her grave; Now she had to lie in it.
When she hesitantly pulled her sight back to him, she thought she saw a slight glint in his eyes. A trick of the light, perhaps. However, upon further inspection, it was obvious that he was struggling to hold back a wave of tears from cascading down his face. And in that moment, all of the walls that she had built up around her mind came collapsing down in rapid succession. She was so focused on herself during this entire interaction that she failed to think about how he would be internalizing her offer. As much stress as she felt in making these first steps on a long road towards potential forgiveness, she knew without a doubt that he was likely feeling even more intense emotions than she could comprehend. Being that he was on the other end of that metaphorical road, waiting patiently for her arrival to release him from the prison of the past.
After all, the terms of their falling out had been set by her and her alone. She had made the decision to distance herself from him all those years ago, much to Joel’s dismay. And while this decision had largely been informed by her utter disgust at the atrocities he had committed in her name—making it so that she found it impossible to even be near the man—part of her knew that she had also separated herself from him in a simple attempt to make him pay for his sins.
Due to the nature of her immunity, the weight of his selfish actions were actually hers to bear, for the simple fact that she was alive meant that the rest of the world was condemned. Joel, on the other hand, had gotten off completely scott free. He didn’t have to carry that terrible burden, even though he tried his damndest to convince her otherwise. So she took it upon herself to personally punish him in the only way she could. By completely removing herself from his life, thus inflicting on him the kind of loss he would have experienced had he not interfered at St. Mary’s Hospital that fateful day.
She thought back to the moment she finally learned the truth from him. “Making a vaccine,” he had said, “would’ve killed you.”
Fine, she had decided. Let’s pretend it did.
After a while though, her anger subsided and other, more complex feelings emerged. Rather than entering into a blind rage every time her thoughts drifted towards Joel, she eventually started to feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. Sadness at what he had stolen from both her and the world. Sadness at the fact that he had lied to her about it for so long afterward. And, eventually, sadness at the loss of their relationship. For a long time, she had convinced herself that she had not needed him. Gone were the days when she relied on somebody else for protection. But as time passed, it dawned on her that she needed him for things much deeper than that. She just needed... him. His presence in her life.
It was a hard pill for her to swallow, but she genuinely cared for him, even after everything. While she still had a long way to go in truly understanding his perspective, she nevertheless felt happy knowing that this gesture alone meant the world to him. And hell, whether she wanted to admit it to herself or not, it meant the world to her too. She missed him.
Goddammit, she really fucking missed him.
The decision had always been hers as to whether their relationship could ever be mended. Try as he might, it was not Joel’s prerogative to force her to a place where she would be open to forgive. She had to get there on her own. So all he could do was wait patiently at the end of that road with his arm gingerly extended out for her to take, if she so chose to. And now, finally, she was ready to make that choice.
A warm smile spread across her features as she searched his glistening eyes. She thought she saw his face involuntarily twitch in response. She had probably just imagined it. Confidence once again restored, she spoke up. “Well, I’ll uh... I’ll see ya then I guess.”
“Yep,” he nodded. Only the faintest crack was evident in his voice.
And then she simply turned around on her heels and walked away, leaving him standing alone in the snow as the sun sank below the horizon to make way for the night.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Is this actually happening?
If someone had told Joel yesterday morning that Ellie would be asking him to watch a movie tonight, he’d have strung them up by their entrails for the cruelty of their assertions. Because that’s exactly what it would have been: cruel. He accepted a long time ago that she’d likely never want to speak with him ever again. Since then, any scrap of hope that she would ever forgive him for what he did at the Firefly hospital—as well as how he handled things with her afterward—was discarded time and time again. Because the only thing likely to come from that sneaky little bastard called hope was pain. And he’d felt enough pain in his life.
So perhaps this was the reason why he was currently standing in the street gaping like an idiot at Ellie’s retreating figure, trying in vain to wrap his head around what had just occurred between them. Had he imagined the entire interaction? No, he thought, as his gaze fell to the movie he held tightly in his hands. Curtis and Viper 2. The proof that he hadn’t descended completely into madness.
He had seen it a long time ago, back before the world turned to a steaming pile of dog shit. He actually remembered enjoying it quite a bit. But it was not Joel’s favorable reception of the film that had left him standing there in a dumbfounded stupor when she had offered it to him moments ago. It was the ramifications of what she was really proposing, as well as what it would mean for them going forward. He wrenched his eyes back up to the redheaded girl bounding down the road, releasing the breath of air that he had been holding during the entirety of their conversation. Holy shit, this is actually happening.
From the second she first approached him, he had been locked in an internal struggle to maintain his normally stoic composure. One that he had been winning—for the most part—until she had shot him that crooked little smile of hers. It had been so long since he had seen it, much less seen it directed at him. And to know that he was once again on the receiving end of such a beautiful, quirky thing… Well, it had taken everything he had within him to not melt into the grimy snow at his feet right then and there.
But as he now stood alone in the cold air outside of the diner, he realized that he had no reason to keep it all locked inside any longer. Before he could stop himself, a single tear escaped his eye and fell down his face, landing somewhere in his scruffy beard. He paid no mind to the other members of the community bustling around him, who may or may not have witnessed this rare moment of vulnerability. Frankly, he didn’t really give a shit. Hell, he didn’t even give two. But even so, he forced himself to stop at the single tear, before regaining his poise and mentally readying himself for what was coming next.
Now was not the time to let his emotions overtake him. Now was the time for his baby girl to come home.
He snapped his attention back to reality, understanding the full importance of the coming evening. He couldn’t waste another moment; he already had so little time in which to make the necessary preparations for their movie night. Before he knew it, he found himself flying down the makeshift streets of Jackson leading back to his home, completely taken over by a feeling he thought he would never experience again. A feeling that he had completely barred from his life for the past two years out of his fear of returning to that deep, dark pit of pain he knew all too well.
Hope.