Loki's Evil Overlord List

by Practicalsome

Summary:

When Loki escaped after the events of The Avengers, he returned to Earth. Armed with a copy of The Evil Overlord List, he starts a new game, this time with the Avengers as his, increasingly aggravated, players. Of course, Loki wouldn't be Loki if he followed the rules.

Rule 11: I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

Notes:

This work is based on the hilarious Evil Overlord List, if you have not read it, please do. Right now.

http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

Chapter 1

Tony Stark and the words “I have some bad news” should never mix. Quite literally if one is talking about his misadventure with mind controlled nanobots, but JARVIS has taken great care to ensure no one knows enough to speak of that disaster. Tony Stark and the words “Banner’s been taken” was the type of concoction that is best combined in an underground room behind the safety of three foot thick lead walls. And with a nearby fully-equipped emergency room.

Sadly, the rest of the Avengers were well above the ground at the moment, and the Helicarrier placed a premium on space. Clint and Natasha had already planned their route to the nearest quinjet by the time Tony finished speaking. “Have I told you how much I hate magic? Because I really hate magic that can mess with my tech.”

A tracker was slammed onto the table, cracks spider-webbing out from where the unharmed chip landed. To be fair, that was to be expected of anything meant to last around the Hulk, much less under Bruce’s skin. And hadn’t that been a complicated surgery, with an angry—and already healing—Hulk showing up almost before the first cut was made.

“As opposed to what kind of magic, Stark?” Director Fury asked from his platform behind the assassins. “The kind that fails when exposed to technology?”

“I’ve had some success with that, actually,” Tony said. “But that has nothing to do with why Mischief took Bruce. Do I need to ask JARVIS or are you going to explain what happened?”

“Careful, you need SHIELD,” Director Fury warned.

“Careful, you need me,” Tony replied. Behind him, Steve let his shield drop, denting the table with a clang. “And both of you need to focus on figuring out why Loki decided to kidnap Dr. Banner.”

“I’m more concerned with what Loki might want the Hulk.” Clint added, unable to look Tony in the eye. Natasha nodded in agreement.

“Wait, didn’t Thor take him back to Asgard a month ago. When did he get free?” Steve asked.

“I asked our favorite pirate about that, guess what he failed to share with the class. Loki wound up back on Earth, Las Vegas, a few weeks back. Dumped a pile of fancy ass golden statues and disappeared again,” Tony said, “Apparently Asgard sucks at the whole not-dumping-problems-on-earth thing.”

“Yes, but a few weeks ago he appeared in Central Park long enough to pull a sword out of his shoulder before disappearing again. Then he showed up again yesterday in Bruce’s lab. JARVIS got me the recordings, it looks like he just appeared long enough to grab him and leave a note before he was gone again.”

“He left a note.” Natasha spoke for the first time.

“Yes. JARVIS can you read it again for us?”

“Certainly sir, the message said ‘I’m sorry for any inconvenience this may cause but I have need of Banner. However out of respect for his shield brothers I will give you a chance to reclaim him. I have a castle in northern Ireland. If you want him, try and get him.’ It’s signed Loki Silvertongue.”

“He told us where to find him. This is gonna be a trap you know.”

“Yes, Barton, we know. But there isn’t any choice. I called you here to ask you who wants to come with me to rescue Brucey-bear,” Tony said, making for the elevator. He was in the lab he’d reappropriated from SHIELD by the time anyone thought to answer.

Chapter 2: Rule 29

Rule 29: I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

Bruce awoke gradually, unsure of where he was. The last thing he remembered was someone grabbing him from behind and then an awful gut wrenching sensation of falling. And now he was here one a hard stone surface. He was about to open his eyes when he realized that he could hear someone else’s breathing. He willed his body to stay calm-the last thing he needed was to lose control right now. Feigning unconsciousness he tried to figure out who could have done this.

“I know you’re awake, there’s no need to pretend on my account.” A familiar voice said and the Hulk made his first sincere effort to take over of the day. Bruce fisted his hands in the long shag carpet beneath him.

He sat up and turned to look at his captor. Loki was leaning against the wall, wearing a green turtleneck and jeans. That was enough to make Bruce blink and double check he wasn’t seeing things. He looked a lot less threatening without his armor. A lot younger too.

“What do you want with me?”

“Do they not teach manners these days? Oh well, that’s what I get for having high expectations. I want to learn about your experiences having an alter ego in your head. Oh, and don’t worry, I made sure your lab was shut down before I left.”

“You mean the Hulk,” Bruce tried, ignoring the mention of his lab. Thinking about the mage going through his lab had already begun to raise his blood pressure.

Bruce was more resigned than surprised. It seemed like every month or so he had to deal with some group trying to kidnap him. He was more worried about how Loki had gotten away from Thor. Mostly. Loki seemed the type to hold a grudge after how the Hulk had thrown him around and not likely to differentiate between him and the other guy.

“Yep. Can I get you a drink or would you like me to show you your room. Transportation does not agree with humans I’m afraid. I took care of most of the effects but you might feel a little tired for the next day or so,” Loki said. Something about him was different. Even the Hulk agreed.

“Room?” Bruce asked, running his hands down the sides of his pants.

Loki seemed to sense he was anticipating being locked in a cage that could hold an angry green rage monster as he laughed. “Well more of a suite. That reminds me, may I see your wrist?”
Bruce backed up as far as he could but he seemed to be in a bare hallway lined with doors of every shape, size and color. There was no way he could move faster than Loki. The other guy was pushing to get out and Bruce wasn’t convinced letting him out was a bad idea.

“Why?”

“It’s just a spell that will transport the Hulk into a room that can withstand him should you lose control. I don’t want any of my employees injured because I wasn’t thinking. So may I?” Bruce didn’t know if he should laugh or cry at how casually Loki mentioned both his magic and that he had employees he didn’t want to see injured.

“And if I refuse?”

“Then I would have to give you a suite in a less accessible location and cast a ward so the Hulk would not be able to leave the area.” Loki didn’t even blink, probably because he knew how Bruce would answer.

“Here.” He held out his left hand. A more accessible location would make it easier for the other Avengers to find him. Besides it was a chance to see real magic.

Loki took his hand and traced a slender finger around Bruce’s wrist. Then he spoke a short sentence in a language Bruce had never heard before and a bracelet of symbols appeared like a tattoo wrapping around his arm.

“How does that work,” Bruce asked, running his fingers over the lines. They were raised, just as he would have expected from a tattoo.

“I wanted it to work, so it did,” Loki said, eyes daring Bruce to question further.

Perhaps having the invulnerable Hulk had made Bruce overly confident, because he did exactly that.

Chapter 3: Rule 23

Rule 23: I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

 

In the end all of them came. Director Fury had not been happy, but once Loki was mentioned he relented. Which was how they had all wound up there, on one of SHIELD’s planes just out of sight of Loki’s castle. Or what they presumed to Loki’s castle, the green and gold banners on a true to life castle that hadn’t existed a few days ago was a rather large clue.

Tony had done some technical magic and asked JARVIS to do the search for the inventor. The only reasonable way to use a lightning fast AI is to avoid work, after all.

That was where they were heading now and Captain America had been squirming in his seat for the past few minutes.“I really think this is a bad idea. Shouldn’t we come up with a plan at least?”

“That would require an idea of what we are facing. Besides I don’t want to wait any more than necessary. Every minute we wait we are leaving Bruce alone with the wannabe dictator. I just want to see what we are up against.” Tony had been fully suited up with only his faceplate up. Now he flipped it down and prepared to leave the plane.

“Be careful, he knows we’re coming. You’re not going to surprise him.” Natasha said, leaning down to wrestle with her catsuit. The change had taken most of the ride, with Steve blushing, Tony flirting, and Clint not even looking up. She was still trying to straighten out the seams of the pants.

Tony gave no sign he had heard the Black Widow as he flew ahead of the jet and crested the hill between them and the castle.

“Sir, I must agree with Ms. Romanoff. This is a bad idea.” JARVIS said, as the castle, in it’s assault on mankind’s eye, appeared in front of them.

“Thanks JARVIS, keep that up and I might have to mute you.” There was a moment of silence.

“I did the scan you requested and there are about-” The conversation was interrupted by a fizzle and the suit failed. Tony fell the six feet between him and the ground with a grunt as the back of his head hit the ground a lot softer than it should have been.

“JARVIS what happened?” No reply. He tried to sit up only to flop down as he discovered that his suit was unresponsive too. He was trapped in his own suit. His first concern was lifting his arm high enough to remove his faceplate. It came off on the second try and he let his arm drop with a sigh. It was sunny, and Tony could do nothing but watch the sun.

He lay there for what felt like hours before a shadow crossed his face. It was the rest of the team. He had never been so happy to see someone since Rodey had saved him in the desert.
“What are you doing?” Clint snapped as he saw Tony stretched out for all purposes looking like he had been taking a nap.

“Oh you finally came. I was worried I would have to use the restroom before you came and that would not have been fun.”

“What do you mean?” Clint asked while Steve was still trying to recover from what Tony had just said.

“I mean my suit isn’t working. It just stopped working and down I crashed. I was lucky I was so close to the ground.”

“Can you get out of it?” Steve asked, every inch the stalwart American hero.

“Sure I can, I was just hanging out here for the view. No I need you to do it.” Tony made to sit up, but the metal exoskeleton had not died so much as been frozen, motors protesting the movement in a way that could only mean they were still receiving power.

“The great Tony Stark asking for help, one second I need to get a video of this.” Clint pulled out his phone and tried to turn it on. Tried being the operative word.
“Uh, guys my phone isn’t working.” Everyone looked at him before grabbing their own electric devices. A loud sigh echoed from inside the Iron Man suit.

“My widow’s bites aren’t working either.” “The comms are down.”

“Hey! My arrows still work.” The whole group turned to glare at Clint. Even Tony managed to give a good approximation from where he lay on the ground.

“And so does my voice but I still don’t see anyone helping me.”

The next fifteen minutes or so were spent trying to extract Tony from his armor. By the end they had all agreed to never speak of it again and Steve’s ears were redder than a tomato.

“If you ever forgo pants again, I will personally teach you why that is a bad idea,” Natasha warned.

“You mean if I want to see you without pants, I can?” Tony asked.

Natasha smiled, and the two avengers with a sense of self preservation stepped back. “No.”

Chapter 4: Rules 76 & 99

“He can’t do that. I have three PhDs in this. He can’t make it so my stuff works in one spot but six feet away it might as well be made of wood. That defies the laws of physics.” Tony was pacing back and forth, waving his arms.

“I hate to tell you but this is Loki we’re talking about. You know the crazy space viking that created a portal right over New York. I don’t think the normal rules apply.” Clint was fingering his arrows like he was about to start firing them.

“I hate it when you do that. So what are we going to do now. I have the blueprints as long as I am far enough away from the castle and your arrows, Cap’s shield, and Natasha’s guns still work.”

“What would you be doing while we were going in?”

Tony stared at the only female avenger in shock and pulled out his phone. “Following along with JARVIS and trying to find a way to get around the electricity no-no problem— not all of us are trained soldiers.”

“Fine, let’s see if we can come up with a plan that might actually work. Clint can-” She trailed off as she noticed she was talking to thin air. Clint was gone.

Clint walked up to the castle as carefully as possible. He had passed over the main gate as too obvious. There was a back door that he would have been able to kick in that he passed over as well.

It stuck out like a mirage in the middle of the desert and, he was willing to bet, was just as fake. Going in there would be like handing himself over gift-wrapped. Instead he decided to go over the wall. All it would take was a single grappling arrow and he would be at the top. From there all he had to do was find Bruce and if possible get him out. If that didn’t work at least he would know where to go next time.

Getting up the wall was the work of a few moments. It seemed as if no one had noticed his arrival as he stood there working out his next step.

============Interior of the Castle’s Security Room ========================

Anderson perked up and reached for his phone. On it he typed out a simple text and pressed send. Rule # 76 is go.

Jackson leaned over his shoulder and asked the obvious question. “Rule 76?”

“It’s from the list the boss was talking about. Rule 76 says,” he paused as he called the information up from memory, “If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.”

“Is that why no one patrols the roof? Hey can you pull up the list for me? I want to get an idea of what else is on that.”

“No can do. Rule 99: ‘Any file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.’ That means we shouldn’t leave the rules he is playing by laying around. Especially with Stark. He could search our history in seconds if he were able to get in.”

“And you expect that to happen?”

“Eventually. For all his plans, Loki isn't very effective when it comes to finishing.”

“I admit he’s hardly evil overlord material.”

“Don’t let him hear you say that.”

“I wouldn’t be that cruel.”

Chapter 5: Rule 2

Clint would have been whistling if he hadn’t needed to be quiet. This was his easiest infiltration in years. Loki didn’t have guards even. And there was an ventilation shaft not twenty feet away from him.

He had bent back the cover and was in the air ducts faster than it took to count to ten. Pulling down the cover he looked around. There was only one way to go so he set off. It was a larger vent then most. He didn’t even have to push his bow and quiver ahead of him.

For a moment misgivings took control. When Loki had brainwashed him he had seen how Loki was partially mind controlled himself. But behind the fog of that he had felt a mind that was the twisted reflection of Tony’s. He shook it off after a moment reminding himself that Loki had probably planted those memories in case he failed. There was no way Loki had lost the fight on purpose.

Shoving those thoughts to the back of his mind he focused on finding his way out of the maze of ventilation. Every offshoot he found just connected to the main branch without any vents large enough for him to squeeze through. By the time he found a branch that didn’t he was to eager to get out of the vents to bother checking his surroundings.

That was his mistake as there was a motion sensor right next to the vent cover. When he went to take the vent off a sheet of metal dropped down right behind where he was laying.
The real trouble only started when he tried in earnest to take the cover off. “The jerk welded it to the wall. That’s not fair. He uses magic, he can’t set traps like this, that’s breaking some fundamental law of the universe. No one gets both.” His rant was ignored by all but the guards watching him though the camera on the outside of the vent.

Security Room==========================

“I don’t want to even try and understand how the boss can anticipate them.” Anderson said as he sent another text. Rule #2 set.

“Ok, I’ll bite. What does rule number two mean?”

“It says ‘My ventilation shafts will be too small to crawl through.”

“But they aren’t too small.”

“Remember how he said he was taking inspiration from them? That means he can adjust them. Besides I can’t see the self named God of Mischief following the rules word for word.”

Somewhere in a wall======================

 

Clint growled as he was forced to shift his weight yet again to avoid the feel of pins and needles from spreading up his arm. He didn’t know how long he had been there but the tight space made it seem like hours rather than the twenty or so minutes he guessed had passed since he first entered the vents.

The monotony was broken by the sound of boots coming closer until a face was peering in at him.

“If we let you out are you going to attack us?”

Of course I am, Clint thought, but his mouth formed different words. “No. What’s the point?” They—there had been two sets of boots hence they—seemed to believe him and one of them jiggled with something on the outside of the grate.

The moment the thing started to swing open, he was pushing forward and lunging at the guards. Only to collide with a wire at shin height. He flailed all the way to the floor. Once he landed the air was jolted out of him.

The two guards surprised him with what they did next. Instead of coming close enough for him to knock over they both exchanged a glance, then dove onto him.

That surprised Clint enough that he forgot to move until it was too late. He was completely pinned for the first time in years. He couldn’t help but hope that Director Fury never learned what happened or he would show the video to every single newbie.

“Not going to attack, huh?” Jackson smirked from where he was trapped between Clint and the other guard.

In the guard room Anderson laughed, “Rule #75.” Attack en masse, so the intruder doesn’t get a fair fight.

Clint recovered quickly enough and was wiggling his way out within seconds of them landing on him. It was no use however and he only got his quiver jammed more firmly into his spleen for his efforts.

When the guard on top of the dog pile got up unexpectedly he braced himself to throw the other one off. It turned out he needn’t have bothered as the other guard was standing up too. Not sure why he cautiously stood up while looking over his shoulder at the two guards.

They were watching him with amused expression while their eyes flickered to something off to one side. He turned to look and there he was, smirking.

Clint had his bow out and an arrow knocked in seconds and fired it right at his throat. Loki didn’t even flinch as he waved his hand and the arrow disappeared midflight.

The same thing happened to the next two arrows he fired and the knife he pulled out of his boot. Finally Clint stopped throwing things long enough to look at Loki.

What he saw surprised him. Loki was wearing everyday clothes, reading something on his cellphone, and his eyes were green. He knew Loki’s eyes were blue. Every picture of him SHIELD had showed him with blue eyes—eyes the color of the tesseract.

He looked different in a way Clint couldn’t place. And he was certainly acting differently. Before he had made mistake after mistake and now he was predicting Clint’s moves.

“There are a few things we must discuss. Follow me.” The man—alien?—still hadn’t stopped giving orders, Clint thought. The world could continue spinning around the sun. It was probably a good thing he hadn’t had a chance to compare notes with Bruce.

Clint debated refusing, but a few green sparks around Loki’s hands told him that would be a foolish, and potentially embarrassing, mistake. He followed the other man till they reached a room.

The door had scarcely clicked shut behind them when Loki began speaking. It was in a language Clint had heard a few times when Loki had mindcontrolled him but could never remember how it sounded after the fact. It was no different this time.

Once that was done Loki turned to him, “I have a spell placed on this room so that you can’t reveal what I tell you now. With that said, do you have any questions?”

“Do I have any questions?” The disbelief in his voice was sharp enough to cut air. “Here’s one, why did you decide to kill Coulson?” Loki only sighed, not a hair ruffled at the leashed aggression facing him.

“I didn’t. I faked his death and offered him a better way to serve his planet. I gave him a few months to choose and he chose to work with me a few weeks ago.”

“I don’t believe that. What did you do to mind control him?”

“In case you don’t remember I was mind controlled myself last time I was here. I would sooner have lost my magic that do that to a person intentionally.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

“Because I had already lost control of my own mind. Anything else you need to know?” At some point Loki had turned away during the conversation and the words came out barely loud enough for Clint to hear.

Clint didn’t care. “Just one more. What do want with Bruce?” Loki looked pleasantly surprised for a second before smile in a way that reminded Clint of a cat sitting between a mouse and its hole.

“Now what would be the fun in telling you that?” Before Clint could try to get a better answer out of him Loki had opened the door and was outside.

Clint followed, remembering too late the spell Loki had mentioned was on the room. He tried to bring up the topic again but he couldn’t form the words before Loki interrupted him again.

“To get back to the main reason I brought you here: I have an offer for you.”

“No,” Clint didn’t even wait to hear what it was.

“Can you at least pretend to be impartial? I am offering to pay for your children’s college once they are old enough to go. All expenses paid. And all I ask in return is that you be as gentle as possible with my employees and not do anything I can’t heal.” Clint froze when Loki mentioned his kids, whom he had hidden even from SHIELD. Only Natasha knew about his family.

“Why do you care anything about your employees?” Clint tried in an effort to buy time before deciding his next move. “You had no problems letting millions of employees face death, all because you couldn’t control your actions.”

Security Room==========================

 

On screen Loki had lost his composure enough that sparks of magic were slipping out of his hands every time he gestured. The guards were watching with amusement as Anderson tried to lipread Loki fast enough to follow what was happening.

The man they had found in the vent, one of the Avengers, was all but sticking his fingers in his ears every time Loki spoke only to yell at him when he paused.

Finally, Loki seemed to have had enough. He sent a burst of magic at the archer. Behind the poor fool a portal opened and he was pulled into it before it closed at a gesture from Loki.

A camera outside the castle wall picked up the man appearing in a clump of weeds. Goat’s heads, as a prickly addition to the insult.

“Okay, I’ll bite. What rule was Loki following this time.” Jackson said remembering how Loki had bargained for his guards’ safety. Not what he had expected when he took the job (of working for the alien who attacked Earth), out of desperation.

Anderson looked stumped. “I’m not sure. There isn’t one rule that fits. It reminds me of the rule about sparing the life of the person who saved yours, only in reverse. Or maybe one of the ones about not testing the loyalty of your employees without back up in case they aren’t as loyal as you thought. Only he is trying to build loyalty not test it.”

“Don’t tease me, but what if he is doing it because he genuinely cares? I mean he isn’t solely focused on this right? He still disappears for most of the time and we have to text him when something happens. And he brought us coffee that one time. I’m just saying I don’t think there has to be a rule for everything he does.”

“You may have a point there.”

Chapter 6: Rule 74

Summary:

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

The same applies to leaving it on a public wifi server.

The Avengers Plane======================

“So we’re stuck here waiting until Barton gets back?” Steve said.

“For the last time, yes.” Natasha looked ready to knock the other two out just for some quiet. They had been asking the same thing for the past hour and she was dancing on her last nerve.

The men were saved by a rustling in the grass off to one side. They all fell silent as a figure emerged and headed towards them.

“What were you thinking running off like that?” Natasha demanded once Clint was close enough for her voice to reach.

Clint only shook his head before slumping on one of the quinjet chairs. “We don’t stand a chance.”

Steve stood up and came over to him. Before Clint had time to do more than flinch, he whacked him in the side of the head, careful not to cause any lasting damage.
Sprawled across the ground Clint growled, “What was that for?”

“Just making sure you weren’t brainwashed. Sorry.” Steve did sound sorry (under the relief that they wouldn’t have to fight Clint again). Tony burst out laughing and couldn’t stop until Clint made to stand up.

“Sorry it’s just the way the captain did it—like it was normal— that was funny. Come on Natasha back me up.” She pulled on of her guns out and carefully checked that it was ready. Tony got the message.

“So now that that’s over with. What makes you say that?” Steve said from where he was watching the whole mess, off to the side.

“He knew I was coming and trapped me as easily as if I were a mouse who only saw the piece of cheese. And he has more magic than we thought. He enchanted a room so that those inside can’t tell anyone what was said in the room.”

“You know this from experience?” Natasha looked mildly interested, but only Clint saw the traces of concern in her expression.

“I-” Clint looked like he was trying to speak but no words came out. He tried again. Still nothing. “Guess I can’t tell you that, but the really scary thing came af-” He cut off again but everyone got that was trying to say after he had been in the room.

“What happened?” Tony was trying to be gentle. He couldn’t deny that the trained spy failing just as badly as him was not as devastating as it should have been to him.

“Well, Loki seemed different, and not just smarter or more powerful. He was wearing normal clothes and typing on a phone, for example. He offered me money, essentially, if I would not grievously harm any of his employees.”

“Essentially?” Natasha caught the offending word and Clint headed into the quinjet to speak in private.
Behind them came the indignant wailing of an offended millionaire. “He has a phone?”

Inside the plane, Natasha took a seat and waited, patiently while her friend gathered his thoughts. Or possibly for him to cave.

“What I can’t tell you about, if it’s true, I might not hate Loki as much as I thought I did. And his bribe was odd, not the type I normally get. And he knew things he shouldn’t have.”

“Like?”

“He offered to pay for my children’s college.”

Natasha blinked, all that she would show of her surprise. “Did it seem sincere or was he threatening your children if you refused him?”

“I don’t know. It sounds like I’m crazy, but I think he might have been straightforward about it.”

 

Security Room=================
The third security guard perked up when a window on her screen opened. She sent a text to Loki’s primary phone. Stark has found our system. I am opening the firewall surrounding your third phone. After a moment she added, Would you be opposed to our listening in. This sounds like it should be good.
The reply came and she called the others over to watch.

Chapter 7

Tony pressed on the last key and stood up. “Okay everyone, I’m going to go talk to Loki.”

The response was expected. Aside from what the Black Widow pointed out. “Last time you tried that he threw you out the window.”

“That’s why I’m going to call him this time.”

Before anyone could stop him he called his armor to him. It was a lot heavier than it seemed and carrying it over until it was outside of Loki’s electric no-no zone was not fun. But it was worth it now that he didn’t have to worry about anyone interrupting him. He flew the suit up till he was hovering over their head, before ordering JARVIS to make the call.

“Hello. I was wondering when you would call.” Loki’s voice was amused and, to Tony’s confusion, friendly. In fact the tone was more suited to a family reunion than a hostage negotiation.

“And I was wondering what you did to Dr. Banner. Care to share with the class?”

“What I’ve done with him? you make it sound like I am holding him against his will. I assure you, the only thing I’ve done to him—as you put it—is feed him dinner.”

“Why do I find that hard to believe? Oh, right because it’s coming from the man who tried to attack New York.” Behind his sarcasm Tony was relieved to hear that Loki hadn’t hurt Bruce. Now if only he knew what Loki meant by saying he wasn’t holding him captive. There was no way Bruce would have gone with him of his own will. Then again one of Loki’s titles was Liesmith.

“What makes you think that was my goal? You disappoint me. I had thought you were smarter than that.”

“What was your goal then?” Tony said glancing his helmet display to make sure JARVIS was recording the conversation. Loki was fond of including little allusion that only made sense in retrospect.

“To get the Tesseract away from those who would misuse it. I arranged it so Midgard believes it to be on Asgard and yet Asgard believes I have it. And because I am known as a liar they won’t believe should I tell them where the stone is truly hidden.”

“And you want me to believe you don’t have it.”

“Frankly, I don’t care what you believe. I’m having more fun playing at being the villain than I expected.” That was too much for Tony.

“Playing villain? You can’t just pick sides like that.”

“Oh really? You did exactly that when you stopped making weapons. Please, if you are going to say such asinine drivel you could at least ensure that it doesn’t make you sound like a hypocrite, my dear villain turned hero.”

Tony sputtered and opened his mouth not sure of what he was going to say in the face of such an oversimplification. He was interrupted by the sound of something heavy hitting his armor with a lot of force. Loki seemed to have heard the sound as well because he chuckled.

“Looks like your friends are feeling a little impatient. Do let me know if the good captain managed to dent your suit or if it was his shield that yielded first.”
Tony felt his suit wobble from another blow, hurrying his next question.

“What do you want with Dr. Banner?”

“That is the question, isn’t it?” Loki said and ended the call.

Chapter 8: Rule 28

Summary:

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

“Tell me what you want or I might get a little angry,” Dr. Banner said, hands braced on the doorframe to what looked like a mad apothecary’s workshop.

“Threatening me,” Loki tutted. “Uninspired.”

Loki wasn’t even six feet away from him. The Hulk could hit him without even taking a step. Brushing a hand over the cuff he hadn’t been able to get off, Bruce leaned into the other guy. It felt wrong, but Bruce had been observing the building while Loki lead him down hallway after hallway. 

For all its pretentious grandeur, Loki’s castle (for what else could the building be?) was empty—of both people and objects. If he turned, then the Hulk wouldn’t be in a position to hurt anyone but Loki. And Bruce thought he could reverse the turning if he was the one who initiated it in the first place.

“Uninspired? Do you know how many times I’ve been yanked away from the life I’ve rebuilt for myself just so some moron in a lab coat can “ask questions” about me?” Bruce asked, letting the words bursting out of him drive his heart rate higher and higher.

“...I don’t care,” Loki said, the words oddly delayed, coming with a flat delivery.

Bruce’s vision dimmed, then grew sharper as he saw the world from a few feet higher than before.

“Bad god,” Hulk said, bending down so he could see through the door. Hulk reached an arm out to grab the god. “No-”

Light flashed, Hulk felt like he was spinning wildly through space, and the pop of air changing pressure filled his ears.

 

~~~~On an unsuspecting mountaintop in South America~~~~

 

Hulk smashed. Hulk smashed the rocks. Hulk smashed the bigger rocks. Hulk smashed the shards of the bigger rocks into grit.

Hulk saw a boulder he’d missed in his first raging path. Hulk raised his fist. But, there was a flower growing up, half hidden under the boulder. It needs the shade to survive, the not-warrior voice in his head said.

Hulk cocked his head. The flower was pretty, and not-warrior voice didn’t like it when he smashed.

Sitting down on the empty mountain, Hulk crossed his legs. He took a deep breath, then let it out. Hulk couldn’t help here, there was nothing to fight. It was time to let the not-warrior voice take the lead. Hulk could wait until he saw Loki again.

Taking the chance to meditate, Hulk placed one hand over his heart and waited for the beats to slow and match times with his breathing.

Before Hulk was ready, his vision was dimming, the grass was far closer than it had been before, and not-warrior’s voice was growing louder.

Bruce barely had time to blink before there was another flask of light and he was getting dragged back through time and space.

 

~~~~The Most Useless Room in Loki’s Whole Castle: The Formal Dining Room~~~~

 

“You’re back,” Loki nodded, not looking up from what appeared to be a game of Tetris on his phone. “Good, what did the Hulk think of teleporting? Did he seem alarmed or more annoyed?”

“What?” Bruce asked, “Why would you want to know?” He hitched his pants higher, desperately missing the feeling of being fully dressed in front of the fickle god.

“Because I think the Hulk might be a spirit warrior from another planet who got trapped during a session of astral projection by your experiment, thus causing him to bind to you when his body died without a spirit to reside in it,” Loki said, waving a hand as if to brush the explanation aside. “So, did he seem to know what the teleportation was?”

“You’re saying I killed someone,” Dr. Banner repeated, and felt his vision start to blur again. 

“No,” Loki sighed, “I’m saying you may have accidentally created an immortal.”

 

~~~~On a different mountaintop somewhere in Alaska~~~~

 

Hulk raged. Hulk smashed the trees, the thorny bush, and the boulders scattered about.

Hello? The not-warrior’s voice asked, once there was nothing left for Hulk to smash. Is someone there?

Notes:

If you enjoyed this, check out my (completed) work "Things Loki is Not Allowed to Do."