Chapter Text
Nick Fury hates his job.
Yes, animal conservation is important and is vital to the natural ecosystem. Yes, the poor endangered animals were here first. And yes, zoos help with the wildlife conservation effort with rehabilitation and release. And…yes, certain animals bring in a lot more donation money.
That does not mean he has to like the damn things.
Especially the damn deer.
He fucking hates that deer. That stupid little runt is a giant pain in his ass. His herd kicked him out when he was young, and he can’t survive on his own. So, like any endangered animal, the deer gets his own habitat and is spoiled rotten by the caretakers. They even named him Anthony, or Tony for short. That little bastard always manages to escape his habitat and runs wild all over the damn zoo. It acts more like a hyperactive dog than a deer. He knows that the damn thing likes to snuggle up to James Rhodes for some weird reason. One of these days he’ll finally get eaten by one of the big cats he likes antagonize.
And speaking of big cats, there’s another animal he hates. It’s this one uppity jaguar with bad front paws who keeps scaring off the caretakers. Only Wong is able to deal with him. Though he does not condone Wong for purposely putting the animal’s food right above the small lake; and laugh when the jaguar plunges in after trying to nab the chicken. Of course, the cat has to have a name that spells fancy. Stephen is another animal he just hates. He’s always acting like he’s better than everyone else, and he doesn’t like the looks that cat is giving him.
And of course it’s the one animal that the goddamned deer likes to hang out with.
How the fuck that runt managed to get inside the enclosure without anyone knowing is a mystery. Even weirder is that the jaguar isn’t even trying to eat him. Eh, not his problem. If the jaguar decides to eat his ass, it’s what God intended. It’s only natural that predators eat their prey and who’s he to say otherwise?
THAT IS NOT WHAT GOD INTENDED!
“YOU LEAVE THAT POOR DEER ALONE!”
He expected the jaguar to just eat his ass, not eating his ass out! But no, that stupid cat is licking and rubbing his damn face all over the deer’s rump. Just because he hated that deer, doesn’t mean the thing deserved to be violated like that. And Tony isn’t even trying to escape; he just lies there with his tongue hanging out. As soon as the jaguar sees him, that fucking thing is staring at him while lapping his tongue on the deer’s hind quarters just daring him to do something.
It was satisfying to tranq the smug bastard and drag his ass in a cage. Rhodes has the hard task of roping the poor traumatized deer and getting him to the vet to get looked at. At least there’s no damage, though he’s walking with a slight limp. Guess he’ll have to put Rhodes to look after the deer for a few days. At least it will be a nice and quiet week.
…one of these days he’ll shoot that stupid cat and mount his head on his wall.
The damned thing wouldn’t stop crying, and no amount of treats would get him to shut up. It’s fucking depressing. He just lies there and cries like a bitch. And no, they can’t put him in with the other big cats. They tried, dealing with distraught tourists over looking at a jaguar fight leaving one half-dead and the other trying to attack the caretakers is not something he wants to repeat.
Miserable little bastard, it can stay in that isolated enclosure for all he cares, he’s going home.
He should have stayed home.
How the ever-loving fuck Tony managed to escape, and pick the damn lock to the restricted space is beyond anybody. But most importantly, he wants to stab his remaining eye out just so he doesn’t have to see the horrible sight that’s being burned into his retina.
Stephen is mounted on top of the small little deer and just railing him like no tomorrow. Even worse is hearing how loud Tony is during mating. Fuck this shit, he’s heading to the nearest bar and get shit-faced. Let the caretakers handle it. And if researchers want to study this sick coupling, they can damn well pay for his retirement package.
Fuck his life.