I Don't Share Well, John!

by cdelbridge

Summary:

The stag night, the way it might have happened.

Chapter 1

"We're going to have a drink on every street where we've found a dead body!" Sherlock happily explained to Molly.

"Wow! Let it not be said that you're not unique Sherlock! What do you need from me?" Her eye roll rivaled one of Sherlock's for eloquence.

He plopped a file down in front of her with da Vinci's Vitruvian Man on it. Molly had to look twice before she noticed John Watson's face was where the head should be. Smiling, she waited patiently for the explanation.

"Need to stay in the sweet spot tonight. Happily inebriated but not falling down drunk."

"Ah, urinating in wardrobes bad." Molly opened up the file. "OK, let's see what we can come up with."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our boys were walking towards Baker St, although staggering might be more accurate. They were happily inebriated but still in control of themselves even though their actions said otherwise. They were giggling and generally acting like they'd been to a wild, all-night Stag Night. At the outside door, Sherlock giggled and dropped his keys twice. John finally managed to get the door open and they staggered inside. The seventeen steps had never seemed so steep but they navigated that as well, drunkenly greeting Mrs. Hudson when she came out her door, trash in hand. Shaking her head, she just smiled at the "Hudders!" greeting, pointing out they should drink water to prevent a violent hang over tomorrow.

Finally in the flat, Sherlock uncharacteristically closed the door. Shedding his Belstaff, along with his drunk act, he pushed John Watson up against the wall. "I might have to share you with the bitch for the time being but tonight John Watson, you belong to me."

"Yes I most certainly do!" he agreed and pulled Sherlock's mouth down to his. "But it's not going to be long before I'm back here forever. Besides, how can I marry her when I'm already married to you?"

Chapter 2

Summary:

How did we get here?

Two years ago:

“Sherlock! You throwing yourself off of the roof of Bart’s cannot be the only solution!” John was pacing the sitting room, gesturing and ranting at his flat mate.

Sherlock had been attempting to go to his mind palace but finally gave up. “John, I wouldn’t be dead you know. And I’d come back as soon as I could.” He began to pace as well.

“But Sherlock, what about me? What about us?” John stopped pacing and got into the detective’s face. “I just found you Sherlock Holmes! I’m not ready to lose you!”

Reaching down to cup John’s face in his large hand, Sherlock said, “I don’t know what I did to deserve you!” Pulling John to him, he continued, “I can’t take you with me but I promise to come back to you. I love you John Hamish Watson.”

“I know, I love you William Sherlock Scott Holmes!” Reaching up to caress the sharp cheekbones, John said, “Marry me.”

“What?” Sherlock jerked back in surprise.

“Marry me! I’ve always intended to ask you but now seems like a good time.” John pulled Sherlock back to him and said, “Marry me Sherlock Holmes! It will give you added incentive to come back to me!”

“Yes John!” The tears that had been threatening spilled over. “We’ll need to keep it quiet but I’ll get Mycroft to make the rush arrangements. Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow.”

~~~~~~~~~~

One year and six months later:

“Hey! There’s a new employee at the surgery. Name is Mary Morstan. Ring any bells?”

“Seriously? She’s a contract assassin John. This can’t be a coincidence. SH”

“Wonderful. She likes me. She’s actively flirting.”

“Good thing I put a ring on it. You might want to encourage her. She’s peripherally part of Moriarty’s ring. We may have to arrest or kill her. SH”

“I’ll see how it goes. What should I do if she expects affection?”

“Be very careful but do it. We need to keep her unwitting and under our eye. SH”

“The sacrifices I make to get my husband home sooner!”

“Just wrap John! I don’t share well but in this one instance I’ll make an exception. SH”

“I’m not sure I can do this.”

“I don’t consider it cheating. Now don’t get any ideas about anyone else! Your arse still belongs to me. SH”

“Yes it does. Love you!”

“Love you! SH”

Chapter 3

Summary:

John is not thrilled

"Sherlock! I'm not sure how much longer I can keep Mary at bay. She wants to move in."

"You might want to take another flat. I don't want her in our home. Besides, she'd look around and notice my clothes and such still around and get some odd ideas. SH"

"OK, but I'm still going to be here when I'm not with her. I can't not be in our home."

"Understand. How is the "relationship" going? SH"

"I can't stand her. She told me the other day that she loved me. I nearly screamed but bit my tongue and said it back to her. She asks me a lot of questions about you and actually wants me to take her to your gravesite. I'm serious Sherlock, I think she's a psychopath."

"I've seen her file. Trust me, she is. SH"

"I have a new estimate on my return. Two to three months if all goes according to plan. When I get back, we'll need to deal with Mary. SH"

"Miss you!"

"Miss you John. So, I'm laying in my narrow bed, wishing you were here. Just the thought of you makes me painfully erect and drippy. Want a picture? SH"

"Oh dear God, yes! Let me pull out my cock and get comfortable."

~~~~~~~~~~~

"John Watson!" Mary Morstan rolled onto her boyfriend. "You look particularly cute this morning and I think you need to lick me."

John wasn't really awake but he wasn't in the mood for meaningless sex with the psychopath. "You do huh."

When John didn't immediately spring into action Mary decided to "help" by grinding herself against John's crotch. Now John was bi and Mary was OK looking but when you're secretly married to the world's most gorgeous consulting detective, well the woman in bed with you didn't stand a chance. Knowing that an erection wasn't in him right now and that oral was the lesser of the evils, John rolled Mary onto her back and got to work.

He'd told his husband about his lack of motivation with Mary to which Sherlock had replied, "Good although I suppose if you need to think of me during those moments to get going it would be fine. Weird but fine." John had laughed then pointed out, "you don't have a vagina Sherlock! I do imagine you in bed with me though to get going and to get off. I'm just afraid I'm going to shout, "I want your dick in my arse Sherlock" and ruin it." He smiled as he remembered the conversation and was glad Mary couldn't see his face. Rolling his eyes at the moans Mary was emitting, he inserted a couple of fingers and continued licking.

Chapter 4

Summary:

Engagement

A few months ago:

"John! I'll be home next week! I can't wait to see you baby! SH"

"Oh god Sherlock! I'm going to say that I'm welcoming my friend home so will stay the night as we'll be up all night talking."

"Will she go for that? SH"

"I don't give a flying fuck what she wants!"

"Is everything for the engagement worked out? Mycroft gave you the ring? Reservations made? SH"

"Yes although I don't want to do this!"

"I know John but we're afraid she might try to kill you if she gets wind of any issues! SH"

"I'm not a push over Sherlock!"

"I know but I'm on my way home and she's the last of Moriarty's crew so it's almost over. God I miss you! SH"

"I miss you so much!"

"I know but I'll be home very soon. SH"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"John! I'm going to be late getting into town. Issue with weather. Go ahead with our plans and I'll meet you at the restaurant. SH"

"OK. You're alright?"

"I'm fine. I'll see your sexy arse soon! SH"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John and Mary were sitting together in their favorite restaurant. John had made the reservations and Mycroft had fronted the money and taken him ring shopping (and the weird dynamics of that were still making his head spin). Sherlock hadn't made his appearance yet but John knew he would. He felt antsy.

John cleared his throat and began his rehearsed speech, "Mary,.........." She knew what was coming and dimpled, saying "John!" He found himself stuttering over the words. She didn't love him and he knew she didn't but he was a kind man who hated playing with people. Only remembering what she was, kept him moving forward. "If you'll have me Mary, could you see your way, um...." Why was this so hard??? Marrying Sherlock had been easy.

"Sir, I think you'll find this vintage to your liking." Their waiter swooped in with a bottle of champagne. John looked up to give the man a piece of his mind and went silent. Sherlock was standing in front of him with a bottle and a fake moustache. He hadn't seen his husband in almost two years and he shows up in the middle of his fake proposition to a psychopathic killer. His timing was unreal.

Sherlock was drinking in the sight of his spouse but still managed to work his way through their prepared script. John wasn't doing as well so the detective helpfully kicked him under the table. John found himself standing although he wasn't sure when he'd done that and struggling to find words. The kick helped. Grabbing his husband by the lapels, he propelled him backwards until they both fell over.

"You're timing is insane!" John whispered. "And you're too thin!"

Sherlock, from the bottom of the pile, said softly, "Hello Mr. Watson! Is that your gun or are just really happy to see me? And get rid of the stache! You look like a wannabe porn star."

"Mary likes it." John said with a laugh as he was pulled off his "victim".

"Then I'll shave it myself!" Sherlock was helped up and dusted off.

"We're getting thrown out of here. I'll come by tomorrow as soon as I can." John moved to Mary and took her hand then turned to his friend/husband/love of his life and said, "I can't believe you!"

Mary had her back to them as she was trying to drag John out the door before the police came (she had a handgun in her purse, Sherlock knew, which would have been hard to explain). The detective watched them go and wagged his tongue at John before he was pulled out the door by his psychopath. John tripped but Mary caught him. Sherlock grinned.

Chapter 5

Summary:

John is going to see Sherlock

"What are you doing?" Mary was sitting on their bed, reading John's famous blog.

"Having a wash." The eyeroll said, "obviously".

"You're shaving it off." She couldn't help the smirk that settled on her face.

"Well, you hate it." John suddenly realized what he was doing, and why.

"Sherlock hates it." She continued, smiling broadly. "Are you going to see him?"

"He does owe me an explanation." John disappeared back into the bathroom and willed his erection to subside. Just the mention of his husband's name made him hard. He needed relief!

"Yes, he does." Mary got off the bed and came to stand in the bathroom door. "If you're going to be late getting home tonight, I might go out with the girls. Have a Girl's Night Out kinda thing. Do you mind?"

"Not at all." John rinsed the rest of his moustache down the drain. "Are you going to spend the night?"

"Yes, I think it would be easier than driving." She came up behind him and hugged him around the middle. "If you decide to spend the night at Baker St., I'll just see you tomorrow."

"I doubt I will but have a good time." He dropped a light kiss on her nose and moved to get dressed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"David!" Mary breathed into her mobile. "He's going to see Sherlock. I'm on my way over darling."

"Can't wait!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John opened the outside door and moved quickly to the steps. He could hear voices coming from the flat upstairs. Moving quietly, he wasn't surprised to see Mrs. Hudson dithering around the sitting room, pouring tea and plying his husband with biscuits.

"Hello Mrs. Hudson!" John walked in and sat down.

"Morning John! It's so wonderful to have you both back where you belong!" She smiled happily and left the room. John could hear her descending the steps.

Getting up and closing the door quietly then locking it, he turned to his gorgeous husband and said, "I'm free until tomorrow. Mary's going to hang with her girlfriends."

Sherlock grabbed John by the hand and pulled him close. "I've thought of nothing but you the whole time I've been gone." He began to unbutton John's shirt. "And you shaved off that abomination! Let's make good use of this time. I don't intend to be dressed until you have to leave."

John, for his part, was busily attacking Sherlock's buttons and touching the bare skin thus exposed. Pulling away, briefly, he gazed into those beautiful slanted eyes and said, "I won't last long but lets at least make it to our bed."

Grabbing his husband's hand, Sherlock led him down the hall.

Chapter 6

Summary:

The boys are happy!

John rolled over, smashing his face and morning wood, into a hard male body. Smiling broadly, he snuggled closer and buried his nose into Sherlock's chest. Last night had been exquisite!

"John, are you just going to lay there smiling or are you going to make use of that erection?" The deep voice sounded sinful and husky.

"How did you know I was smiling?" John pushed the thin body over and moved to lay on top of him.

"Please." Sherlock stared deeply into his husband's eyes. "I'm smiling, I knew you had to be."

"Yeah." John smiled and moved to kiss his sexy spouse. "Love you."

"Love you, even though you have dick breath." Sherlock grinned and pulled his spouse down on top of him. "Now, enough talking! I have to share you with your fiancee for the moment but it won't be much longer. Until then," a hand reached down to fondle John's dripping erection, "I intend to make use of every minute we can steal."

John moved down his husband's body, licking and tweaking the flat male nipples with his tongue and teeth, following the "treasure trail" to his husband's beautiful erection. "I have missed you so much." He sucked the head into his mouth, moving his head back and forth in short bursts, not taking much in but every few sucks, he'd deep throat his spouse, then go back to his teasing.

"Jesus John!" Sherlock had his long fingers buried in the short, blonde strands. "I've missed you so much. I can't even begin to tell you."

"Show me when I'm done with you!" John pulled off long enough to say. He deep throated his spouse and stayed that way for a few seconds before setting up a steady pace. Sherlock panted and moaned underneath him. John let his fingers trail down to Sherlock's cute little (although stretched out from their activities!) furl and inserted a finger, then two. His spouse moaned and tried to fuck his face. John could feel his husband's balls tightening and moved his fingers to hit that one spot.

"Jesus Christ John!" Sherlock came in three bursts. John kept his mouth around the throbbing cock then licked him clean.

"Fuck me John!" The detective looked into his husband's eyes. "I need to feel your cock inside me, baby."

John didn't need to be told twice. Finding the lube tangled in the bedding, he coated his cock then moved between his husband's legs. Sherlock had added a pillow beneath his sexy arse so he was at the right height. He rubbed his cockhead back and forth over the hole then slid his way into his spouse. "Are you OK?" He paused before moving to make sure his spouse was ready.

"Less talking John!" Sherlock wrapped his long longs around his husband, pulling him as deep into his arse as possible. "More fucking!"

Smiling, he began to thrust into his husband's willing arse. They had made love so many times yesterday, taking turns being the fucker and the fuckee. Yet, he still couldn't get enough of the beautiful man underneath him. Moving his angle slightly, he thrust harder, hitting his husband's prostate every few strokes. Just when he was about to come, he grabbed Sherlock's big hand, wrapped their hands around the erection between them and came within seconds of each other.

"God I love you!" John leaned over to kiss the beautiful face. "How about some coffee and a shower?"

"I don't want to get out of bed John but we do have some things to discuss." Sherlock had his eyes closed but opened them to say, "I heard you mention caffeine yet I don't have caffeine in my hands or blood stream!"

John pulled himself up and off the bed with a laugh. "Back in a flash."

Sherlock watched his cute little arse cheeks walk towards the kitchen. God it was so great to have him back!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So John," Sherlock was making breakfast and he turned, sliding a plate in front of his spouse, "Mycroft has planted a tracking device in your car. Mary didn't go out with her girlfriends. She went to her boyfriend's house."

John wasn't surprised. "I was pretty sure there was someone else. What do you know about him?"

The detective sat down across from his husband with his own plate. Taking a forkful of eggs, he said, "they both appear to be members of Moriarty's crew. Periphery members but members nonetheless. We need to come up with a plan to take them down. I think they mean to do the both of us in."

John sipped from his cup, sighed and they got down to work

Chapter 7: The Wedding

Summary:

Sherlock goes all out on the wedding preparations!

John ran up the seventeen steps to his real home. He found his husband in the kitchen, torturing an eyeball with a blowtorch. Stopping to admire the view (husband’s arse, not the eyeball!) and grab a kiss and fondle (again, the arse not the eyeball), he seated himself at the table.

"What are you doing?" John gestured at the gruesome object.

"Occupying myself. It's so hard sometimes not smoking! Especially when your husband is fake marrying an assassin." Sherlock put down his disgusting toy and smiled at John. "So, we have a few details to nail down." He went back into the sitting room to make sure the door was closed and locked then came back into the kitchen for a real kiss and hug.

Moving back to the eyeball, the detective moved it to the kitchen counter and asked, "tea?"

"Yes but let me make sure the table is somewhat clean before we begin." John got up to get something to clean the table off with then moved back to his seat as Sherlock brought the tea and biscuits to the table.

"So, the big question." John took his tea and adjusted it to his liking. "How are we going to get Mary and David arrested or at least secured at the wedding?"

Sherlock had sat down opposite his husband and put his bare feet in his lap. "Well, as your best man, I have manipulated David to being an usher. This will ensure his presence at the event. I'm also going to assign him all kinds of little chores to drive him crazy." The detective smirked.

"You're bad!" John laughed. "OK, now all the marriage paperwork is fake and the minister is MI6. Several of the guests are Mycroft's flunkies. When are you going to make your big revelation?"

"I thought I'd wait until the reception. As best man, I get to give a speech, right?" John nodded. "Well, this is going to be one wedding reception that people will be talking about for years!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Pray silence for the best man." The mellow voice intoned.

Sherlock got to his feet. The room quieted down. He wasn't sure how many of the people here were not casual guests but he trusted Mycroft to make that part work. "Ladies and gentlemen. And others." He looked around. He could hear John snicker at that flub. "We are here to celebrate Mary and John." Polite applause. "When John asked me to be his best man, I was concerned. I've only been to one other wedding in my life," John really snorted this time, the wedding Sherlock was referring to was theirs, "so I wasn't sure what that entailed."

Mary grabbed John's hand and squeezed. Smiling, he squeezed back.

"I have since found out that it is a very big job. There are things like telegrams to read," Sherlock pulled one out at random, "Big squishy cuddles?" He put that one down and took out another. "Nope, not saying that." Snickers from the audience. Sherlock picked another at random, "Good God, do you have any normal friends?" he asked in an aside to John. John shrugged.

Sherlock continued, "John Watson, my friend. Who else would you ask to be your best man but your best friend, your best mate? I have never been anyone's best friend so the social skills are somewhat beyond me. But, I have a story to tell everyone. A story about the best friend anyone in the world could possibly have." John got comfortable in his chair and held his "wife's" hand. "When John and I met, we were both at a similar path in life although we didn't know it at the time. He craved excitement and I, evidently, craved someone to share it with." The audience gasped as Sherlock vaulted over the head table and continued his monolog. "Pretty soon life was great. Running all over London, chasing criminals, it was intoxicating." The detective paced the length of the room, checking out the location of certain people. Turning back, he paced towards the head table. "But then, Moriarty came into play and I had to fake my death to protect my friends. But, before I "jumped", I talked to my best friend about it. And John, the man I love more than anything or anyone else in the world said two words, "marry me"." Not a sound was uttered, everyone in the room was wide-eyed and hanging onto the detectives words. "I said "yes"."

Mary made to stand up but a large male body had appeared behind her, putting his hands on her shoulders, keeping her in place. David also had two people subtly holding him still.

Sherlock continued. "So, we got married and I faked my death. I confess that few things kept me going over the next two years like the love and support of my spouse. One day he texted to tell me about a new employee who had been hitting on him at the surgery." The detective pointed to Mary. "He asked me if I knew anything about her. She has a very interesting file and a past as a contract assassin. Working with Mycroft's people, John and I agreed that he would have to "pretend" date her." Making sure that both parties were still restrained, he continued, "Mary kept wanting more. Not that she knew I was alive mind you, she has a mean sadistic streak and likes to play with her food. Thankfully, John was more than up to the challenge. I announced that I was coming home as my job was done with only Mary and her boyfriend, David" he pointed towards the usher, "to still take out. John did a fake marriage proposal, since he's already married to me, and we worked out the details."

Mary suddenly announced, "very good Sherlock but I'm pregnant. I found out for sure this morning." She smirked at the detective. "Didn't take into consideration that your husband and I would sleep together did you?" She grinned at him.

"Yes, I know you are pregnant." Sherlock paced from the end of the reception room towards the table again. "But it's David's, not John's."

The audience was spellbound and quiet as though they were in church.

"You would say that, wouldn't you Sherlock." Mary smiled cruelly at him. "He loved the nights spent in my arms."

Sherlock stood right in front of her and bent to get in her face, "the only way he could get going was to think of me. We had a chuckle imagining him forgetting himself some night and calling you Sherlock." Standing up straight, he delivered his final blow, "and the baby isn't John's. He had a vasectomy when you met so there wouldn't be any possible accidents. But nice try."

Mary moved quickly, coming up with a small handgun. The man behind her threw an arm around her neck and squeezed. John grabbed the weapon out of her fingers and both she and her boyfriend were quickly on the floor in cuffs.

John came around the table and straight to his husband, linking hands, he pulled Sherlock down and planted a kiss on him. Turning to the audience, Sherlock said, "may I present my husband, John Watson-Holmes." The applause was long and loud.

Chapter 8: Honeymoon

Summary:

The end of this tale!

Sand gets in odd places and is very uncomfortable so sex on the beach isn't all it's cracked up to be.

The air was warm, the sand was hot and the boys were bare on their own private beach. They had been here for three days and Sherlock no longer glowed in the dark. John, a nice golden brown, was seriously having thoughts about giving up clothing permanently. OK, that wouldn't work in London but maybe they could relocate here permanently.

"No John." The detective's deep voice interrupted John's thoughts.

"What?" John opened his eyes and looked across the big beach blanket to his gorgeous husband.

"No, we can't move here permanently. You'd get bored and want to do something to relieve your boredom, like swimming with sharks while covered in blood. The crime rate here is very low so I'd be bored as well." He smiled, eyes still closed. "But I think coming here every so often would be wonderful."

"We never did get a honeymoon so two years later, here we are." John said happily. "And since you've been away for so much of our marriage, we're technically still newlyweds."

"I'm never leaving you again John! I'm not sure how I managed the first time." Sherlock said. "Well, I managed because I had to but it was the toughest thing I've ever done."

"I'm never going to let you go Sherlock Holmes-Watson!" John said seriously. "Oh!" He sat up abruptly. "I forgot to tell you. Remember when we discussed having children and we decided that it would be a bad idea."

Sherlock rolled his head towards his husband, "yes."

"Well, so when I had the vasectomy after Satan showed up, I was thinking of you. Knowing that we didn't want children but that you were, well, you, I had my sperm frozen for you to experiment on." John said with a grin.

Sherlock sat up, delighted, "John! You are the absolute best husband in the world! Is it in the freezer? It's not that little tub that says peas is it?"

"Yep! How did you guess!" John smiled.

"I despise peas and their putrid green color! You know that and that I'd avoid that container! Oh, you are so cute!" Sherlock showered his spouse with kisses. "Oh the experiments I can do!"

"William Sherlock Scott Holmes-Watson! I love you more than I can ever tell you. But, if you'd like to head back inside for tea and such, I bet I can show you." John stood and held out his hand for his husband to take.

"John Hamish Watson-Holmes," Sherlock took the proffered hand, "I think you'd look amazing with my cock in your mouth."

John pulled him to his feet. "And with your cock in my arse. And vice versa." He grabbed the blanket with his other hand and led his spouse towards their cottage.