Work Text:
*NOW*
“You always were a cheap date,” Louis said with a soft scoff as he picked up the check, looking at it while reaching for his wallet. There was a bitterness to his words that Harry knew the feeling of all too well.
“We never got to dates,” Harry returned sadly, studying the beautiful man sitting across from him. He wished he’d been able to take Louis out on a date, just once. He wished he’d had a single chance to show him how much he used to love him, how much he still did.
“I was an idiot,” Louis murmured, setting the check aside with his credit card on top of it as he stared blankly at the table. “I should have stopped you before you walked out the door that day. I should have told you that I…”
Harry was hanging on the edge of his seat, waiting for Louis to finish that sentence. He’d always been waiting for Louis, always a step ahead in terms of where they could go, what they could be. He never minded, waiting for Louis, but it did get disheartening on occasion. Still, even now, he’d let himself hope only to be disappointed when Louis just trailed off with a defeated sigh.
“It’s okay,” Harry said, relaxing back into his chair to wait for the server to come and take care of the bill for them. He meant it. He may have been sad that Louis could never say those words, but he’d never held it against him. Not since that day anyway, and Harry could admit now that maybe he’d pushed too hard. “I can wait,” he told Louis quietly. “I’ve got time.”
The car ride home was silent except for the playlist Harry made Louis the summer before they’d moved in together, when their futures had seemed like they were moving in different directions from each other. However, a year after separating when Louis went to university, Harry had ended up getting into the same school and they’d been best friends joined at the hip again.
Harry smiled when Louis started up the playlist, happy that he’d kept it even though he didn’t need to be reminded of his best friend back home anymore since they were together. He watched Louis as he drove them home, the way he mouthed along, every word of every song written in his memory even though he’d teased Harry for his taste in music back then. He must have listened to it a lot the year they were apart.
“I love that you know every word of my hipster songs,” Harry said with a grin between songs.
Louis’ lips quirked into a half smile as the next song started. “This is my favorite song that you picked out for this terrible playlist.”
“Terrible?!” Harry squawked, affronted by the comment.
Louis chuckled lightly, shaking his head with a fondly murmured “so terrible”, before starting to sing along to the song he’d deemed his favorite.
Harry settled at the sight, appeased that this song, at least, he’d seemed to get right. He looked out the window, watching the night pass by in a blur as Louis sang softly until they got home.
Harry stopped behind Louis as he froze in the doorway of the small remote cabin they’d shared for three years now. “Lou?” he asked, concerned when Louis just stood there, but after a single slow, deep breath, Louis was moving forward again.
He walked back to his bedroom with a brisk stride that Harry felt compelled to follow. Harry knew something was wrong and he wasn’t going to let Louis face it alone, so he followed Louis into his bedroom and stood right inside the door as Louis threw himself down on the bed to sob his heart out.
“Oh, Lou,” Harry whispered, his heart feeling like it was breaking all over again. “It’s okay. I’m right here,” he said, sitting gingerly at Louis’ side.
“Hazza,” Louis breathed out through his tears, the word a broken monument to everything that had existed between them for their ten years of friendship. ”I miss you.”
“I know, Lou,” Harry told him, trying to put a hand on his shoulder that only succeeded in passing through him. “I’m here though. I’ll always be here,” Harry promised sadly, wishing with everything in him that Louis could see him, or even just hear him.
He couldn’t though. Not for a while now. Not since that day…
*THEN*
“What do you mean you aren’t coming?” Harry asked, following Louis as he walked back into his bedroom.
“I mean,” Louis said, voice getting the slight edge it always did when he was frustrated, “that hiking is your thing, not mine, and while I agreed to it, I only did it because you love it. Plus, while that’s often enough for me to go with whatever ridiculous plan you have in mind, that was before the temperatures dropped and work threw a shitload of deadlines my way. I’m not going to go out and freeze my ass off only to come home and be up all night catching up on work I could have had done instead of being miserable all day with you.”
Harry understood the pressure Louis was under, he really did, but the way Louis voiced his argument was done in a way he knew would piss Harry off. He was pushing all of Harry’s buttons and he was doing it purposefully to get a rise out of him, and dammit, it was working.
“Don’t go talking like you’re the only one with pressure from work or who does things he doesn’t enjoy just because the other likes it,” Harry spit out. “I’ve done plenty for you, including attending that damn cooking class you had your heart set on, even though it was on the only night all week I wasn’t working or in class. And you might be trying to work your way up at your new fancy corporate job, but I’m working my ass off just to get my licensing so I can do what I spent four years attending school to do!”
Louis rolled his eyes and sighed. “Will you stop throwing that cooking class in my face every time we have a fucking argument? You told me the entire time you loved it, and you still bake that cheesecake every holiday.”
“Because you like it!” Harry yelled, raising his arms in frustration. “Cheesecake is boring to make and fucking tedious to figure out when it’s done. I literally only do it because I know how much you love it, just like with everything else. I’ve been in love with you for years and you had no idea, so I kept trying to find some way to show you, you oblivious idiot!”
Harry’s heart was racing. Fuck. He’d just said it. He’s just spit out everything he’d been working so carefully to tell Louis during their hike today. He’d planned everything just right. They’d reach a gorgeous overlook right as the sun was about to set on the east ridge, allowing them to have just enough lighting to make their way back down on the west side of the trail, hopefully only having to utilize the flashlights he’d packed for them the last mile or so walk back to the car on flat ground.
Or, that’s how it was meant to go. Now Harry had thrown it in Louis’ face, almost like a weapon, all because Louis was bailing on another attempt Harry had made to give them some time alone without the pressure of work looming over them.
Once Harry’s initial freakout had passed enough he could take in Louis’ reaction to what he’d said, he got even more disappointed. Louis’ lips were pursed and his eyes narrow, like he couldn’t believe what Harry had just said. Excellent. As if today wasn’t shit enough, now he was about to get shut down and make things fucking awkward with his best friend and love of his life.
“I don’t know what you want me to say to that, Harry,” Louis said, voice low. He looked up at the ceiling before shrugging and shaking his head. “I just… I don’t know what you want from me right now.”
Harry let out a humorless laugh. “Nothing.” Harry’s voice felt disconnected from him, or maybe he felt disconnected from his entire body. He wasn’t sure at that point, but it should have been a moment of warning for him, looking back on it. “I don’t really want you to say anything more than you already have. I’ll go myself and maybe be back before you’re in bed. If not I’m sure we can catch up sometime this week and just… pretend like this never happened.”
Louis stood silent, not saying anything more. Harry knew he’d asked him not to, but Louis so rarely followed directions he hadn’t actually expected him to stay quiet.
“Fine,” Harry said as he turned around and headed for the door.
“Fine, what?” Louis snipped back without following him. “I’m just doing what you said to do. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
Snorting at the fucking predicament he’d gotten himself into, he picked up his pack. It was stupidly heavy considering he would be alone and without Louis. He could unpack the extra provisions once he got to the trail and just leave them in the car.
Harry decided ignoring that last jab was for the best. He couldn’t help the sarcasm that took over his voice, though, when he said his goodbye. “Have fun working on your first day off in two weeks.”
“Have fun becoming an ice statue for the sake of becoming one with nature or whatever the fuck you do in the damn forest for hours,” Louis shouted back.
“Fuck off,” Harry growled as he slammed the door, stomping out to his car.
If Harry could, he would take all of that back. He would have never allowed it to become a fight. He would have never left. He definitely would have never decided to do the hike alone.
But he couldn’t take any of it back. He couldn’t change a single thing. Everything that had happened that day had brought him to where he was now… nowhere, or so it seemed, except for when he was with Louis.
*NOW*
Harry sat on the edge of Louis’ bed, watching him toss and turn fitfully after he fell asleep crying.
He wasn’t sure how he got here, wasn’t ever sure how he got here. He couldn’t remember much after walking out the door that day. Harry knew it was ridiculous, but he had no idea what had happened to him or how long ago. All he knew was that the only times he felt like he still existed now were when he was with Louis, or reliving a memory of the two of them.
Sometimes he wasn’t sure he was anywhere at all. It was like there were long moments of blankness where he felt like he was in some kind of void, but then he’d appear at Louis’ side again and the world had shifted for the better.
One thing was for sure, if Harry was a ghost, then Louis was his unfinished business.
“No,” Louis murmured, tossing in his sleep again, and Harry yearned to be able to wake him from whatever nightmare he faced.
“Wake up,” Harry whispered desperately, letting his hands fade through Louis’ arm again, trying anyway despite the hopelessness of the action.
A moment later, Harry’s prayers were answered when Louis’ phone trilled loudly in the quiet room, startling Louis awake. A look at the time, 2:44 am, had a frightened concern flashing over Louis’ features before he accepted the call and Harry’s stomach sank at the sight of it.
“Hello?” Louis’s voice cracked as he answered, his fear for whatever the call was about showing through. Harry listened closely, curious and anxious for how upset Louis was getting the more he spoke. “Yes, I am his emergency contact.”
Harry felt more helpless with every passing second as he watched Louis get up and pace the floor as he spoke on the phone.
“Is he… will he be alright?” Louis asked, clearly only moments away from another possible breakdown. “Yeah, okay. I’ll be right there. Thank you.”
Watching Louis hang up the phone and toss it on the bed to drop his head into his hand had Harry moving to stand next to him and wanting to offer him a set of arms to fall into for comfort.
“What is it, Lou?” Harry asked quietly.
It didn’t matter, Louis couldn’t hear him anyway.
Dropping his hands from his face, Louis used the sleeve of the dress shirt he was still wearing from going out for dinner earlier to wipe at his eyes.
“Alright,” he said to no one, grabbing his keys and walking swiftly to the door. ”I’m coming, Li.”
Harry remained by Louis’ side, riding with him to the hospital and standing next to him at the nurses’ station as he asked to be pointed to Liam’s room. Liam had been a good friend to both of them since they’d met at uni and Harry was scared for him too. He walked behind Louis down the fluorescent-lit hallway , but as he passed another room with an open door, Harry happened to glance inside and all at once he couldn’t take another step.
Rooted to the spot just outside the doorway, Harry stared into the room at the body that lay sleeping in the far bed.
His body.
He was looking at himself laying there unconscious. And right in that moment, everything he’d been missing about the night he’d walked out on the love of his life came rushing back to him.
*THEN*
Harry had been looking for the perfect trail to take Louis on for weeks. Louis hadn’t noticed because he had been so busy with work, and Harry had been too, but during the few breaks he’d allowed himself to breathe and stretch, he’d also been looking at some of the nearby parks for exactly the right spot.
He’d finally found it on Tuesday. It was a much ignored canyon trail that allowed hikers to climb to the rim trail once the canyon trail had reached the other end. It was a much shorter option than the rim trail in full, but it reached the rim trail at one of the best overlooks for the surrounding areas.
It was gorgeous, faced the west for the perfect sunset, and wasn’t so long that Louis would complain more than his usual. Everything he had wanted for the moment to finally tell Louis about his feelings for him had lined up, and he’d even taken a late start on Wednesday at work so he could hike it himself. The sky was clear and blue, reminding him of Louis’ eyes when he was excited about something, and it felt right.
As Harry angrily hiked the trail again, he considered doing the rim trail, but another check of his watch confirmed that it was too late. It was far too dangerous for him to hike a trail he wasn’t familiar with in the dark and alone. He’d stick to the trail he had planned on which was much more straightforward and, without Louis in tow, he should be able to make it up to the rim in time to take some photos of the overlook before the sun set fully and then carefully make his way back down when he was ready.
The fresh air filled Harry’s lungs, and he was pleased. With every breath he took, it felt as if the clear, cool air was diluting the anger and hurt within him. Louis really hadn’t meant to hurt him, he knew that, but his lack of a response had pierced him to his core. The fact he had bailed from the hike was already a wound, the proof that Louis really did put his job ahead of Harry and their relationship, but then his inability to respond in any way when Harry admitted he loved him felt like the nail in the coffin for that particular side of their relationship.
Harry was apparently alone in his thoughts that they worked well as a pair on an even deeper level than that.
The woods got thick as he neared the point where the canyon trail met the rim trail, making it difficult to see his footing in the waning light. He’d taken more time than anticipated since he’d been stuck in his head instead of focusing on speed. Harry would need to hurry if he wanted to still be able to catch the sunset.
He pulled out the headlamp he’d brought in his bookbag and made sure it was properly placed and tightened before turning it on. It wasn’t incredibly bright, but it would do the job he needed so he could keep his hands free as he navigated the way to the top of the rim.
The switchbacks became mindless and he found his mind wandering again when he heard a loud noise coming from some bushes. He immediately stopped, wary of the wildlife he knew was rampant in this area that could be of danger to him. They usually left hikers alone as long as the hikers did the same, but he was closer than he was comfortable with to the bush by the time he heard the sounds.
Suddenly, an animal he couldn’t see clearly came bolting out of the bush, followed by another two, causing Harry to jump. His foot caught a root, causing him to stumble a little, and by the time he was able to begin to get his feet beneath him, he was too far back to catch himself. He started to fall, but everything went into slow motion.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Harry registered that he’d been falling for too long before hitting the ground, and it was then he noticed the trail was higher than his head. He looked up at the sky, taking note of the moon, so bright in the canyon even with all of the trees around him, and then he began to uncontrollably tumble down the rest of the way to the bottom.
The moon and trees spun around him as he rolled without being able to stop himself, but soon they were eclipsed by darkness, no one present to witness what had happened.
*NOW*
Harry tried to blink away the onslaught of traumatic images that flooded his mind, but all it did was replace them with the grim picture of his own comatose body in that hospital room. He took a deep breath, slowly managing a cautious step into the room, and from there his feet wouldn’t stop moving until he was next to the bed looking down at himself.
His skin was unblemished and he didn’t appear to have any casts or other signs of broken bones, though his hair was shorter and, if he looked really closely, he could see the beginnings of a scar near his right temple. They probably would have had to shave his head to fix him.
“How long have I been here?” he whispered to himself. It must have been a long time for all his wounds to heal and his hair to grow back. He covered his mouth with his hand to hold in the horror of the realization even as a tear made its way down his cheek.
The rattle of a nurse pushing one of those mobile blood pressure monitors in the hallway pulled Harry’s attention back to where he was and what he was meant to be doing.
“Oh god. Lou .” Harry rushed off to see if he could find him. Louis had already lost Harry, at least physically, to serious injury, and here he was with another friend in the hospital. Harry should be there for him.
He hurried down the hallway looking in every open door for his friends, hoping that Liam had fared better than he had.
To Harry’s relief, it didn’t take long to find Louis. He almost passed the room when he couldn’t see anyone inside it, but stopped when he heard familiar laughter on the other side of a drawn curtain.
“You’re such an idiot,” Louis said just as Harry walked into the room. “ Only you would end up in the hospital trying to impress a pretty boy.”
“He is really pretty though,” Liam slurred, sounding drowsy. “You know who else I think would end up here trying to impress a pretty boy?”
“Who?” Louis asked with a laugh, but when Harry stepped around the curtain, he could see that Louis’ eyes were still wary, watching Liam carefully.
“Harry!” Liam cried happily and Louis’ face immediately fell.
“That’s not funny, Li,” he said gently, like he knew that Liam’s condition might be making him say things that he wouldn’t normally say.
“What? No, he’s here.” Liam gestured to where Harry was standing and Harry froze. “Hi, Harry!”
“Li, you can see me?” He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but it seemed too late as his chest slowly filled with a helium-like lightness.
“‘Course, I can. You’re right there,” Liam answered in a matter-of-fact tone, sending Harry’s hopes through the roof.
“Ok, Li.” Louis patted Liam’s arm feebly, rising from his chair. “I’m gonna go get you a doctor. I think your concussion is making you see things.”
“Wait!” Harry cried, holding out his hands as though they’d be able to stop Louis from leaving. This was his one chance to communicate with Louis, if he could just get him to stay. “Liam, please. Ask him not to leave.”
“Are you two fighting again?” Liam asked with a slow blink. He looked like he was considering going to sleep. “You know I hate being in the middle when you fight.”
“I’ll be right back,” Louis promised, moving toward the door.
“Li, please,” Harry begged. “He can’t see me.”
“Hey, Lou, what’s wrong with your eyes? Harry says you can’t see him.” Liam called at Louis’ retreating back and that made Louis pause in his footsteps.
He turned around, his heartbreak written on his face as he explained quietly. “He’s right down the hall, Liam. I see him all the time. You know that.”
“He does?” Harry’s heart tightened in his chest as he walked towards Louis. “You do?”
How often was ‘all the time’? Was that when Harry went to the blank space? Maybe it was. Maybe deep down Harry knew that, knew everything, but just didn’t know how to deal with it all. Maybe going to the blank space was a choice at first that became a habit.
The knowledge that Louis visited him, put himself through seeing Harry laying there like that, said more than words ever could.
“Li, tell him I’m sorry. I should have never left in anger, especially not after what I said to him.” The next part he directed to Louis, even though he knew he wouldn’t hear it. “It’s still true though, Louis. I will love you until my dying day.”
“I’m gonna get that doctor, now,” Louis said, turning around again before Liam could relay Harry’s message.
“Harry says he’s sorry,” Liam muttered tiredly as Louis was walking away, “and he still loves you.”
Louis didn’t stop walking this time, but Harry didn’t miss the stutter in his step when he heard those words. As far as Harry knew, Louis never told anyone about that part of their argument and Harry was ashamed of how harshly the words were said the first time. He knew Louis had his own regrets about that day, but maybe now he’d know that he wasn’t alone.
Harry watched Louis walk to the nurse’s station and then turned back into the room, moving to sit by Liam’s side. “Thanks, Liam.”
“‘S what I do,” Liam murmured, chuckling to himself with his eyes closed. “Professhional go-between.”
“I’m really glad you’re okay.” Harry smiled. “Who was the pretty boy?”
“Zayn.” Liam smiled dreamily. “God, he’s cute.”
Harry heard Louis speaking quietly as he lead a nurse into the room. “See what I mean?”
“I think I’ve got to go, Li. You get better fast, okay?” Harry told him, rising from the chair he’d sunk into as Louis and the nurse conversed in hushed tones.
“Okay, thank you,” Louis said to the nurse before walking over to embrace Liam as best he could. “I’m gonna go and let you get some rest, love. You get well and don’t ever do this again, alright? No pretty boy is worth dying over.”
“Yes, Mum,” Liam snarked though he hugged Louis closely. “You and Harry get home safe.”
“Yeah.” Louis didn’t argue, but Harry could tell that it pained him not to. “We will.”
Louis didn’t go straight home, though. Instead, he walked slowly and somewhat shakily to Harry’s room, passing another nurse’s station where they only gave him knowing looks but didn’t say anything about the fact that visiting hours were long over. As Harry followed, he was afraid of what might happen once Louis got there. His fear grew in intensity the closer he got and just when they reached the door, he was struck by another memory that he’d blocked out, one that nearly tore his heart in two.
Tonight wasn’t the first time he’d been in this room. He’d been here with Louis the first night he’d visited.
*THEN*
Harry didn’t know where he was, but it was fairly quiet outside of the occasional beeps and the crying. Who was crying? Why were they crying? He’d thought it would just be something that was for a short time and then they’d get quiet again and he could go back to…
Well. He wasn’t actually sure what he’d been doing before the crying had brought him to where he was now. Sleeping, surely.
“I’m so sorry.”
As soon as he heard the words, Harry knew exactly who it was that was crying.
“Louis?” he asked, opening his eyes.
He saw Louis hunched over a hospital bed, which explained the beeps and where he was. He had no recollection of getting here, though. Maybe the news was so bad he’d been in a fog that left him blindly following Louis and unable to process it all. He couldn’t just leave Louis to cope on his own, though.
Louis acted like he hadn’t heard Harry, just continuing to cry into the blankets covering whoever was in the bed. He was crying hard enough, he might not have, so Harry took a few steps forward and tried again.
“Lou.” Harry was trying to be gentle, but he didn’t know what kind of a situation he was dealing with to cause Louis to cry like this. He needed to know more about what was going on, remember the information they had probably gotten together so he could soothe him better.
When Louis still didn’t respond, Harry took the final steps forward and put his hand on Louis’ shoulder, wanting to be a grounding weight for him to know he wasn’t alone.
His hand went right through Louis, causing Harry to fall forward a little before he was able to catch himself.
“What the fuck,” Harry whispered as he looked at his hand. He looked corporeal enough, and Louis was definitely real. What was going on?
Harry tried to touch Louis again, but his hand went right through him again, disappearing as though it had entered Louis, but Harry felt nothing. Apparently neither did Louis. He turned and tried to move the curtain, but it stayed where it was as well as his arm entirely swiped through it, not even causing it to wave a bit.
“I never should have let you go alone,” Louis said between sobs, causing Harry to turn back to look at him. His back heaved with the effort to breathe through his tears enough to say the words, but he continued. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, incredibly sorry, H.”
“Can you see me?” Harry asked, but just as before there was no response. How could Louis be talking to him when he didn’t even know he was there?
Then, Louis lifted himself up just enough to shift to his right and grasp the hand laying beside him.
Harry’s hand.
If Harry could breathe, he would have gasped, but as it was his body still went through the motion of it even as he stumbled backwards in shock. Louis was crying over him, for him.
And Harry looked awful. There were cuts and the beginnings of bruises covering his skin with some particularly large wounds on his head, stitched together. And his hair was mostly gone as well. They’d had to shave entire areas to get to them, it looked like, causing him to look even worse than he already would have.
“God, you look so awful like that,” Louis said, laughing as he cried and kissed Harry’s hand. “I’m going to have to ask the nurses if I can cut the rest of your hair so it looks a bit more even. Maybe even have Lotts come in and do it so it’s better than I could do. Can’t have you waking up and freaking out that your hair has been ruined.”
Harry lifted his hand, unable to fully take in everything Louis was saying. It had tingled when Louis had kissed him and he swore he could feel it when Louis squeezed his hand as well. What did it mean?
“Don’t you dare die on me, alright?” This line of conversation seemed to be grounding Louis a bit, as his sobs were finally subsiding, though the tears continued to fall down his face. “I’ll be here as often as I can and I’ll tell you everything that’s happening. Please don’t leave me alone in our cabin. I don’t think I could stay there without you, if you were to leave me like that.” Louis took a deep, shaky breath and blew it out through his lips. “Besides. I need to know that you can actually hear me so we can finally have that talk about what you said on Saturday.”
On Saturday? What day was it today, then? He’d just assumed it was all the same night, especially because it was dark outside. What was happening right now was the first thing he could remember before driving away from their cabin after their fight. How much time had passed?
“It is just like you to fucking tell me you love me for the first time when we’re in the middle of a fight.”
“I couldn’t help it,” Harry said, smiling a little despite his sadness and confusion. “It just came out and ruined the surprise of everything I had planned for us.”
He was very quickly getting overwhelmed putting all the pieces of what had happened together, and being able to talk to Louis like nothing had happened caused the fogginess that was slowly creeping in from the outer edges of his vision to withdraw a little. Even if he knew Louis couldn’t hear him, the act itself felt right.
“You did such a good job finally keeping something a secret, and that’s how it came out,” Louis said with a wet chuckle. “The one time you could keep your mouth shut and I ruined everything.”
“Of course you did. Couldn’t just let me have my moment,” Harry said, walking up to Louis.
They were silent after that, both lost in their own thoughts, and Harry studied his body again. Why was he separate from it?
“Mr. Tomlinson?”
Harry and Louis turned to the nurse in the doorway in sync, almost making Harry forget about everything they were dealing with at the moment.
“I’m sorry, but I have to ask you to leave, visiting hours have ended.” The nurse looked young, close to their age, and very regretful to have to give him the news. “He also needs to rest. He’s been through a lot the past twenty-four hours since he was found. If he’s going to have a chance of waking up again, he needs the opportunity to heal.”
Louis nodded, acting like he’d heard it all before. “I know. My mom’s a nurse and told me how dangerous brain swelling was, especially in an accident like his.”
The nurse nodded. “We’ve done everything we can. At this point we can only wait. His brain isn’t the only part of him that was injured and needs to heal. It’s going to be a long road, and you need your sleep too if you’re going to be able to help him.”
Louis wiped at his face where some more tears had fallen before he placed his hands on his knees and looked back at Harry. Or, Harry’s body.
“I’ll be back tomorrow, alright? Please rest and come back to me,” Louis whispered before he stood up and leaned over to place a careful kiss on Harry’s forehead.
Harry couldn’t help but lift his hand and touch the same spot on him that tingled just like his hand had earlier.
Louis stood up and had to swipe his hands across his cheeks again as the tears were still falling fast.
“Thank you, Natalie,” Louis said sincerely as he walked towards the nurse who was still in the door. “And you’ll call me if there’s any changes, right?”
“Of course, Mr. Tomlinson,” she said with a sad smile.
Louis left the room and so did the nurse, and suddenly Harry was left with everything he’d just learned.
Based on how Louis had spoken, there was a very real chance that Harry wouldn’t make it, and even if he did he might not ever wake up again leaving him stranded as this… spirit. He still didn’t know how Louis felt exactly either, though it was clear he’d forgiven him. What were his other injuries? What exactly had happened? How long did they expect it to be before he woke up or the swelling in his brain went down?
Before he could even begin to start to process any of his questions, much less address the new ones that weren’t even fully formed yet, his world went hazy and he went back to wherever he’d been before.
*NOW*
Harry felt that same haziness that always took him to the blank space trying to crowd in on him now but he forced it back. He was done running away from the reality of his situation. Louis hadn’t run from it, he’d been here, visiting Harry every chance he got. He was so strong and it made Harry want to be stronger for him.
“Hey, Haz,” Louis said, sitting in the chair next to Harry’s bed and immediately taking his hand.
The tingling sensation was there again and Harry closed his fist around it as though that would help him hold onto it, the one indicator that he was still anchored to his body.
“Harry?” Louis asked suddenly, sounding panicked. Or maybe it was excitement, Harry saw when he circled the bed so that he could see what was happening. He watched the anticipation glistening in Louis’ eyes fade slowly as he waited for something that didn’t come. “Oh, I thought-,” Louis bowed his head, sniffling. “I could have swore I felt you squeeze my hand.”
Harry looked down at his closed fist and then back up at where Louis’ hand was connected with his on the bed. He opened his fist and closed it again, imagining he was grasping Louis’ hand too.
Louis gasped. “Oh my god. Harry?” He leaned up to get a closer look at Harry’s face as tears started falling down his own cheeks. “Are you there? Please wake up.”
“I’m here, Lou,” Harry told him, wishing with everything in him that Louis could hear him.
Louis gracelessly fell back into his chair, his hand slipping from Harry’s as he looked around the room in fright. “Harry?” He asked again.
“Can you hear me?” Harry wondered aloud, not daring hope that he would get an answer.
Louis swallowed hard. “Holy shit. Was Liam right?”
“Is that a yes?” Harry asked, moving around the bed to get closer. He knelt next to Louis’ chair, speaking gently. “Can you hear me, Boo?”
Louis’ face crumpled as he started openly crying at Harry’s use of his old nickname, nodding slowly in answer. It had been years since Harry had last used that name, a shortened version of the nickname Louis’ mother used to call him. When they were teenagers, Louis had deemed it too embarrassing so Harry had stopped using it. “Yes, Harry. I hear you.”
“Hey, Lou,” Harry told him with a smile, yearning for the ability to hold Louis’ hand for real.
“Oh god, I must be going crazy,” Louis murmured to himself, covering his mouth with his hand.
“You’re not crazy,” Harry tried to assure him, rising to sit on the edge of his bed. ”I’ve been here the whole time, love.”
“Why can’t I see you?” Louis asked, eyes roaming the general area where Harry was sitting. “Liam could see you.”
“I don’t know. He had a concussion. Maybe that made him more susceptible?” Harry guessed, rubbing at his lower back where it felt a little warm as he spoke.
“I want to see you,” Louis whispered desperately, glancing at Harry’s body. “Not like this. I want to see you awake and talking. I want to see your eyes again.”
“I want that too, Lou, but I have no idea how to make it happen. It took this long just to be able to get you to hear me. How long has it been?” Harry asked. His memories may have been coming back to him but that didn’t mean his sense of time wasn’t still fucked.
“It’s been almost a year, H,” Louis informed him, reaching for Harry’s hand on the bed again but dropping it almost immediately as he jumps backward, pushing his chair back a few inches. “Fuck!”
“What? What is it, Lou?” Harry moved off the bed to get closer to Louis so he could check on him and almost immediately noticed that the warmth that he had been feeling on his back was gone.
“I think… I think I saw you,” Louis breathed, staring thoughtfully at the bed. The realisation came to him slowly but once he could understand what had happened, he quickly moved back to hold Harry’s hand again. His eyes sought out the spot Harry had been sitting in but when they found nothing, they kept going, landing firmly on where Harry was standing now. “Oh my god, there you are.”
“You can see me now?” Harry asked, his own eyes wet with tears of joy as Louis nodded with a trembling grin. Harry smiled back, moving to stand right next to him, his entire being flooded with joy and relief. “You can see me.”
“I can see you,” Louis whispered as though he couldn’t quite believe it himself. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“Me too, Lou,” Harry agreed, reaching up a hand to cup Louis’ cheek before remembering that he couldn’t. “I just wish I could touch you too.”
“Why can’t you? Why are you here and not in there?” Louis nodded towards Harry’s body lying still on the bed. “Why can’t you come back to me?”
“I don’t know, Lou. For the longest time, I thought I was a ghost. I’d blocked out the accident, and seeing myself lying here for the first time. I didn’t remember there was anywhere to come back to,” Harry explained, reaching over to touch his own body. His hand still went through it but it was different than when he touched Louis or anything else. It was warm, just like what he’d felt on his back earlier when he’d been sitting right next to himself.
“Hang on, let me try something.” Harry sat down on the bed and leaned over, lining up his ghostly arm with the corporeal one that Louis was still holding hands with. It felt strange, the tingles from Louis’ touch so strong, it was like a limb regaining circulation. “Here goes nothing.”
“What are you--” Louis’ words broke off with a gasp as Harry squeezed his hand tightly. “You’re holding my hand.”
“I think… ,” Harry hesitated to finish his thought because he knew if he was wrong that it would break both of them. He had to try though. He wanted to, wanted to have his life back, to be able to have conversations and cuddles with his best friend. Wanted to be able to tell Louis the right way that he loved him and give Louis the opportunity to say it back or not to his face. “I think I know what to do.”
“Wait,” Louis stopped him before Harry could line up his bodies completely. “What if you don’t wake up, H? What if you get stuck in there and you can’t come back?”
That was a scary possibility but neither of them could keep going on this way. It hurt too much.
“I have to try, Lou.”
Louis squeezed Harry’s hand tightly as he wiped away a tear with his free hand. “I know,” Louis agreed reluctantly. “I just don’t want to lose you again.”
Harry thought the fact that he could feel how tight Louis was holding onto his hand was probably a good sign that that wouldn’t happen. He squeezed Louis’ hand one more time. “I will come back to you in whatever way I can, Boo. I promise.”
“You better.”
Louis didn’t say anything else, just watching Harry move until he had all his limbs where they should be and he could feel warmth throughout his body. Then, with one last reassuring smile at Louis, he laid his head back, both bodies aligned into one.
*
Slowly, Harry blinked his eyes open, but had to close them again immediately because of the lights trying to blind him. He tried to raise his left hand to cover his eyes but found it too heavy to move. “Lou, can you turn the lights off?” He attempted to ask but all that came out was the barest hint of a whisper. Feeling the hand clutching his right hand, he squeezed, hoping that would get Louis’ attention.
“Harry?”
The voice that called out to Harry was not Louis’ though. It was his mum’s.
Harry tried to open his eyes again and found his mother staring back at him with a stare full of surprise. “Oh, baby!” She cried hugging him tightly and crying all over him before calling a nurse to tell them that he was awake.
There was a lot of fussing over him and talking at him after that. He spent probably an hour wavering between trying to pay attention and falling asleep again, all the time wondering where Louis was.
An hour and a half after Harry woke up, a very dishevelled Louis Tomlinson ran into the room. He looked like he’d just woken up too but he was still the most beautiful thing Harry had ever seen.
“You’re awake.”
Harry smiled, ignoring everyone else in the room as his best friend crowded into his space to embrace him like he’d never let go again.
“It only took you two more weeks,” Louis teased snarkily, but his watery smile was huge when he let Harry go, sitting on the edge of his bed. “You kept your promise though.”
Harry felt a huge sense of relief at those words. He’d started to think maybe he’d dreamed his time as a disembodied spirit.
“Louis,” Harry’s mother called, pulling Louis’ attention away from him. “The doctor has some information you might want to hear.”
“Be right there,” he told her. Turning back to Harry, he smiled, reaching out to brush some of his hair back into place. “I’ll be back.”
*
It was a rough road getting Harry back into the shape he’d been in before the accident. He couldn’t speak normally for a few weeks and he was in a wheelchair for over two months before he’d had enough success with physical therapy that he was able to start walking again but even then, he’d needed help. Louis was there through all of it when he could be, helping however Harry needed him, always patient even when Harry got frustrated with himself. But even through all the hard times, the two were rarely apart unless they had to be. They’d spent enough time separated to last a lifetime.
Three months after Harry woke up from his coma, he was finally allowed to go home.
“It’s good having you back here,” Louis grinned, cuddled up next to Harry on their couch the night of Harry’s homecoming.They were supposed to be watching a film but both of them seemed more content to watch each other.
“It’s good to be back,” Harry returned, tightening his arm around Louis’ shoulders. “Thank you for doing everything you did to help me get through my recovery. I’d probably still be at the hospital if I hadn’t had you there to encourage me.” Harry ducked his head shyly, knowing he was headed into a territory they had roped off to be explored at a later date. Maybe it was late enough. “And to show me what I was missing when you couldn’t be there.”
“Where else would I have been, H?” Louis asked tenderly, turning Harry’s face so that he could see his eyes. “I love you. I wanted you here, with me. Where you belong.”
Harry pressed his forehead to Louis’, closing his eyes against an onslaught of emotion. “Please tell me you mean that the way I want you to.”
Louis tilted his head, breath ghosting over Harry’s lips before they were met with Louis’ own, a soft, sweet pressure that urged Harry to respond in kind.
Harry pressed into the kiss, cradling Louis’ cheek in one hand, while the arm around his shoulders pulled him in closer.
After a moment, Louis pulled back just the slightest bit to ask, “Does that answer your question?”
“I think so.” Harry gave him a playful half-grin.
“You’re not sure?” Louis asked, raising a challenging eyebrow. “Oh, well. Let me convince you.”
Harry was still smiling when Louis kissed him again, pushing him down on the couch to climb on top of him. He moved his kisses to Harry’s jaw and then his throat and Harry couldn’t help but feel like he’d gone to heaven. Maybe he’d never needed a special place to tell Louis that he loved him, maybe right here in the cabin they shared was as good a place as any. Maybe it still could be.
“Hey, Louis?” Harry breathed between kisses.
“Yeah?”
“I’m so in love with you.”
Louis sat up on Harry’s lap, smiling adoringly down at him. “I know. It’s entirely mutual, H.”
“Just wanted to say it again. You deserved to hear it when we weren't screaming at each other,” Harry told him, his hands grasping Louis’ with tender affection.
“Oh, love,” Louis sighed, caressing Harry’s cheek. “And you deserved to hear it a lot sooner. I wanted to say it so many times when you were in the hospital, both before and after you woke up, but at first I didn’t because I wanted to know you’d hear it. Then, when you were awake, I figured the best way I could say it was just by being there and showing you that no matter how hard it got, I wasn’t going anywhere.”
“Yeah, I think I knew that. Or at least, I hoped,” Harry replied, slipping a hand under Louis’ shirt and up his back, pulling him down with the movement. “But I’m glad you actually said it now, when we’re both home.”
“Together,” Louis added, closing in on Harry’s lips again.
“Where we belong.”