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1.
The earliest memory Ava had of a time she could’ve realised what was going on was when she had been back in the orphanage, only 13 years old.
Being stuck in a hospital bed, she didn’t exactly get the most normal adolescence. She was at the mercy of those assigned to care for her. It being a catholic orphanage meant that those people shared one particular characteristic: they were all nuns. Ava didn’t much like most of them, but there were definitely exceptions. One such nun was named Sister Kathleen.
Sister Kathleen was a young woman, probably in her early twenties Ava later figured. She was taller than most of the other nuns and had the most beautiful hazel eyes. Sister Kathleen was one of the sweetest people Ava got to know at the orphanage. She was the absolute best. She remembered how Ava liked her food, came to check in on her when she didn’t have to, and joked around with the girl whenever she visited. Ava found herself trying to think of funny jokes to tell her when she wasn’t there, there was something special about getting to make Sister Kathleen laugh. At the time, Ava just really wanted her to like her.
There was one memory that stood out to her from the short time the nun had been at the orphanage. On one of her visits, she had had presented Ava with a little book, titled ‘(P)unintended’, the contents of which they had quickly scanned through together, laughing together. Sister Kathleen had stuck around longer than she had most other times. Towards the end of the visit, however, her smile had started to fade a little. She had sat back down in her chair and told Ava. She was graduating, meaning she would no longer be there to care for her. The woman was apologetic, said she’d miss her, and thanked her for the fun times.
She had been gone sooner than Ava had wanted. Ava felt silly about it, but at the time she had felt sad to the point that tears started to well up in her eyes that she desperately tried to hold in. The nun had brightened her days so much, she didn’t want her to go.
Ava was heartbroken.
2.
Another memory came at a decidedly weird but exciting time. Ava had just been resurrected by the Halo, getting her first taste of the world she hadn’t been an active part of for 12 years. Then there had been JC. And his friends.
It had been a particularly warm day, that was the most she could pinpoint about it. Everything from that time had sort of bled together, probably due to everything being so new and confusing still. All she knew was that she was on the beach with JC’s crew, and that in the middle of it all, Chanel had called her over. The woman was sitting on the towel she had been lying on previously as she was sunbathing.
“Hey girl, can you put sunscreen on my back?” Chanel had asked her, dangling a bottle of the stuff in front of her. Ava’s mind had quickly provided the fact that Chanel was a very beautiful woman. A woman who had been kind to Ava so far, who she enjoyed spending time with and always felt a little intimidated by, though not in a bad way. She chalked it up to the regal presence she brought with her.
“Absolutely! Yeah! I mean—” She had started at a much too high volume, pausing to adjust for a moment as she took the bottle offered to her. “Sure, no problem.” Chanel gave her a quick thanks and an amused smile before turning to lay on her stomach, exposing the expanse of her back to Ava’s view. She thought it was a little unfair that someone could look so graceful in a position like that. And if she enjoyed the feeling that came with rubbing the sunscreen onto the other woman’s skin, that was probably just because she hadn’t had much chance to enjoy physical contact with anyone so far.
3.
There was a lot about being at the Cat’s Cradle that wasn’t exactly what Ava would define as ‘fun’ at first. The lectures about the history, being constantly surrounded by nuns, who she was still cautious around, and the merciless training weren’t things Ava was a big fan of. There was, however, another memory there.
She had just escaped yet another lecture about Areala and the history of the Order of the Cruciform Sword, her head buzzing with all the information that had been shoved into it over the past hour. It was time for a break. No more studying, at least not until came to drag her back to that duty.
Instead she went for a walk around the premises. Sure, Father Vincent had been clear that she was expected to stay at the Cat’s Cradle, but nobody said she couldn’t take a little peek at her surroundings. That’s how she had found herself wandering through the gardens, coming into view of the outdoor training area, where several nuns were practicing on dummies.
There was no mistaking the power that the women held. If their precise, practiced motions didn’t give that away, then their exposed biceps would’ve done the job. Wow. Ava found herself slowing her pace, gaze wandering around the group. Surely, she just admired them because they looked strong. Nothing else too. That admiration was also what had distracted her enough to be caught off guard by Father Vincent’s reappearance next to her.
And if she threw a last glance over her shoulder before following him back inside for more studies then that was just to give her an idea of what training here could do for her. Probably.
4.
The next time Ava should’ve perhaps thought something was up was the time at the bar.
Having escaped from the Vatican, the group had been on their way north, several obstacles and a general need to stay out of the spotlight resulting in them making it a slow journey, as much as they were anxious to return to the Cat’s Cradle and see what could be salvaged after the Adriel reveal. And so, they had found themselves in Milan.
The team had split into two, Camila and Lilith being in charge of espionage while Ava was with Mary and Beatrice for a more casual approach to searching the city for possible threats and hideouts alike. At least one combat capable person per group seemed to be the best bet, and with Mary still technically in recovery, though she didn’t like to hear it, that meant Beatrice was coming along for the bar hopping experience.
They hadn’t been inside for long when Ava had spotted them. Two women, seated at the bar, only a few steps away from the table they had claimed. They had come in not too long after the Sister Warriors had, seemingly minding their own business. It wasn’t until Ava spotted them sharing a short but sweet kiss that she focused on them more. Something about the open display of affection warmed her heart. She knew it wasn’t easy, especially for two women. The bravery on display must’ve been what captured her attention. The two soon realised they were being watched, however, one of them turning to face her with a raised eyebrow. A cautious “can I help you?” was spoken.
“Oh, sorry! I was just thinking you guys look really cute together.” Ava explained, showing her a friendly smile. “That might be weird, sorry, again. I’m actually a huge sapphic ally. A supporter, you know? I wish you guys the best.” It came out in a ramble as the two women shared a glance, clearly confused by this stranger. It was probably super awkward on her part, if her teammates’ response were anything to go by. Mary gave her an incredulous look before shaking her head, chuckling to herself. Beatrice had stilled entirely, staring into her glass sporting what Ava could only describe as a mortified expression.
Sure, it was embarrassing, but Ava didn’t miss the release in tension that swept through the couple after her comments. They looked happy. Together. It lit up something inside Ava she couldn’t quite name. At least not at the time.
5.
The moment she probably should’ve realised something was up was back during her training for the storming of the Vatican.
She had recently been given some information on a previous Warrior Nun, Sister Melanie, and all but a direct confession that Beatrice was in the same boat. Sister Melanie was gay. Beatrice had worked her whole life to be acceptable. Because of her flaws. Ava could be dense sometimes, but she had understood. It had hurt her to see the badass nun crumble the way she did, talk about the pain she felt because of something she couldn’t control. Something that, in Ava’s eyes, wasn’t wrong, or anything to be ashamed of.
Don’t hate what you are. What you are is beautiful.
Their conversation and the way it had grasped at something deep inside of her still fresh in her mind, she probably should’ve understood what had happened next.
When she burst from the wall, the oppressive force of the concrete finally giving way to air, she had tumbled forward, into Beatrice’s arms. There was a smile like she hadn’t seen before on the Sister Warrior’s face. She looked beautiful in a way Ava hadn’t been ready for. A nervous fluttering stirred in her belly as she looked at Beatrice, really looked at her, felt her hand caress her face, once, twice. It had never quite occurred to her as clearly before then how pretty the nun was. Her smile was gorgeous, it did something to her eyes that made them all the more rich in colour and life. For a moment, all she could hear was her own quickened heartbeat as time seemed to stop. She watched the nun’s expression shift, the smile dropping, replaced by an intensity she was even less prepared for. There was a beat, tension hanging between them, of what kind she couldn’t quite make out, but it left her breathless.
And then the moment passed. Beatrice cleared her throat, the eye contact broken, along with whatever spell had fallen over them.
They had resumed their activities, gone right back to training afterwards. It had been a welcome distraction, in a way, not only for her, she figured. Beatrice’s laser focus on the tablet she carried with her was enough proof even for her. It was nice to have something else to put her mind to than whatever had just hung in the air between them and what all had come with it.
Ava really didn’t know what to do with the beginnings of a thought that had popped into her head for the first time then.
+1
She and Mary had been exchanging stories for the past half an hour, trying to keep themselves occupied as the others did a supply run. The two were sat at the kitchen table of the small apartment they had claimed as a temporary hideout, Mary’s attempts at cleaning her shotguns long forgotten. JC’s group and Ava’s adventures with them was the current topic.
“Honestly, they weren’t all bad. Zori was kind of a bitch, though. Not like Chanel, she was really nice.” Ava paused to take a sip from her glass of water. “Really pretty too. Super tall, her legs went on forever. She had me put sunscreen on her back one time. That was an experience.” She recalled with a grin, wiggling her eyebrows at Mary in her usual playful manner. Something flashed across her table companion’s face, but it was gone before she could identify it.
“An experience, huh?”
“Yeah, I mean, a gorgeous woman asked me to rub sunscreen on her. Doesn’t everyone feel, ya know, a little something at that?” The gentle fist-bump to Mary’s shoulder didn’t stop the other woman from giving her a contemplative look, like she was searching for something in Ava. “What?”
“Nothin’.” She knew that wasn’t the end of it. Her friend’s eyebrows raised. “I’m just saying I know I’d feel a little something at that, probably.” Mary spoke, as if that was supposed to imply something. She might as well have been speaking in riddles to Ava, however.
“Uh, okay? What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?” Ava asked with a chuckle. Mary was staring back at her with a mix of exasperation and amusement on her face.
“Well, I’m gay, so—”
“Hold on, you’re gay?”
“Ava, you’ve gotta be fucking with me.”
“I’m not, I had no idea—”
“Not the point. What I’m saying is, that sounds kinda gay to me.”
“What? Me?” Ava scoffed. Mary wasn’t making any sense to her. Ava wasn’t gay, she was attracted to men. There was no way she could be a lesbian. “I like guys, Mary. Remember, JC?” Mary didn’t attempt to hide the roll of her eyes at the mention of the guy, her opinion of their fling clearly not having changed since the last time he had come up.
“Unfortunately, yeah, I do.” She replied, placing her forearms on the table as she leaned forward, a little closer to Ava before she continued. “You do realise you can like guys and girls, right? Ever heard of bisexuality?” Oh. But—Nah. There’s no way.
“I mean, yeah, but that’s not me. I’m not bi. I just know an attractive woman when I see one, nothing gay about that.” She declared with a shrug. She would’ve known by now if she was into women. Right? It didn’t look like Mary agreed with her, though she didn’t say anything, instead giving her a deadpan stare, as if waiting for something. Ava had no idea what she was expecting to happen though. It wasn’t like she had a point. …Right? There was nothing out of the ordinary about the way Ava viewed women. A healthy appreciation for beauty didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t like—
Oh.
Ava felt her eyes widen as she recalled exactly what thought had sprung up in her head once her brain finally managed to process whatever had happened between her and Beatrice at the lab. It hadn’t been the first time the thought had popped into her head, but it had definitely been the loudest it had ever been up until that point, at least with women.
“Hey, uh, Mary?” She started, hesitant, refusing to make eye contact with the woman whose expression had already taken a turn for the smug. “Say, hypothetically, I’d have thought about wanting to kiss a girl. Hypothetically. Would you say that’s gay?” Ava chanced a quick glance at her friend, who to her credit was at least letting her set the pace, seemingly deciding against teasing her further.
“Yeah, I would say so.”
“Cool. Cool cool cool.”
Mary didn’t make any effort to break the silence that seeped into the air around them. It gave Ava way too much space to think. It was like a huge row of dominos had suddenly gotten the first nudge, sending the whole thing tumbling down, the picture falling into place as she recalled other instances of her own more than platonic feelings towards women. All of the signs were there, similar to how it was with guys. How could she have missed it?
She hadn’t just had the wild urge to kiss Chanel. She had definitely had a similar fleeting feeling with other women. There had also been different feelings. Hormones, responding to the sight of strong biceps at work at the Cat’s Cradle. A warmth in her chest, a vague familiarity, at seeing two women being together so openly, a want for something similar. A happiness and need to be liked brought on first by Sister Kathleen all those years ago, then later by others. And of course, the cherry on top, the perfect storm of these things thrown together that had formed steadily without her supervision over the past couple of weeks, directed at one person in particular.
Shit. I have a crush on Beatrice.
“Mary?”
“Mhm?”
“I think I’m bi.”
“Cool.”
“Are you—Should I tell the others? What do I do?” It had felt liberating, sure, but it also sent a spike of nervous energy through her. A million questions popped into her head. She didn’t get much of a chance to start spiralling though. Mary was already there with her, placing a hand on her shoulder to draw her attention and shake her from what was probably a fairly badly concealed freak-out, the Halo starting to warm her back already.
“That’s all up to you. Take your time.” The understanding in her voice served as a wonderful anchor in whatever tumultuous waters Ava’s soul had found itself in over the past few minutes. She let out the breath she hadn’t realised she was holding. Mary squeezed her shoulder, showing her a smile. “For what it’s worth, I’m happy for you.” It was reassuring.
“Thanks, Mary.”
“No problem, dumbass.”