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Barba dropped to his knees in the grass, and then forward onto his hands. He let his head hang between his shoulders, closing his eyes as he tried to breathe through the pain. Through the blood roaring in his ears he could hear people talking to him, but the words were mostly jumbled and indistinct.
“I’m sorry Rafa, Rafa I’m sorry!” Noah was saying nearby, and the distress in his voice was enough to pull some of Barba’s attention away from the fiery, blinding pain between his legs.
“It’s okay,” he muttered, even though it wasn’t. It had been a long time since he’d felt anything this bad, and the humiliation of being surrounded by his friends and colleagues was unhelpful.
“Rafael.” That was Carisi, bent down beside him. “Here, lemme help you up.”
Barba ignored him, concentrating on his own breathing, focusing on the fact that the pain was beginning to dull around the edges. The tiny part of his brain still capable of logic told him that the agony would pass, and that his fears of never walking or having sex again were ridiculous. People had suffered far worse injuries.
The rest of his brain was urging him to scream.
It wasn’t his pride that kept him from keening and rolling into a fetal position in the middle of the park. It was Noah, who’d never meant to hurt him and now sounded like he was crying as he repeated his apology.
“It’s okay.” Barba repeated. He drew a deep breath and managed to flop over onto his ass with a wince. “Don’t touch me,” he told Carisi, whose hands were hovering near his arm ready to pull him to his feet, but it wasn’t so much a command as a plea.
“Look at the bright side,” Rollins said from somewhere nearby. “You caught the football, and none of us expected that.”
Barba rolled his eyes in the direction of her voice, trying to give her his patented death glare, but he couldn’t find her and gave up quickly.
“Not helping, Amanda,” Carisi said quietly. “If you were a guy you’d understand.”
“And if you ever had a whole human ripped out of your—”
“Alright,” Benson interrupted. She was crouched beside Barba, but he hadn’t realized until just then that she was rubbing light circles on his back. “Let’s all just give him a little breathing room.” For a moment, Barba was afraid she was going to leave his side, too, and now that he’d become aware of the hand on his back he didn’t want it to stop.
“Alright, come on with us, Noah,” Rollins said, but Barba brought the boy’s face into focus.
“Wait.” He lifted a hand toward Noah, gesturing, and Noah edged reluctantly toward him. His eyes were wide and full of tears, but he laid a gentle hand on Barba’s shoulder when he got close enough. “It was an accident, Noah, it’s okay. Did you get hurt?” Noah shook his head. “Good. That’s good. I just need a minute.” Or thirty. “You can go play, I’m fine.”
“Sorry, Uncle Raf,” Noah said, leaning in for a quick hug, and Barba winced, surreptitiously drawing a leg up to block any more accidental damage. Then Noah pulled back, and he looked better; Barba was glad to have put his mind at ease.
“Grab the ball, Noah,” Carisi said. “We’ll practice while Barba rests.”
Rollins paused in front of Barba and he met her eyes. “You’ll be fine, counselor,” she said. “Next person you sleep with’ll have to be a little gentle is all.”
Barba looked at Benson. He didn’t mean to turn his head in her direction, but it was instinctive and he still wasn’t back to full thinking capacity. Benson offered him a smile, full of compassion and promise, and pressed a kiss to his shoulder.
“Oh,” Rollins said. The surprise in her voice was unmistakable, and Barba wasn’t sure if he should be happy that they’d managed to keep the relationship a secret for so long, or insulted that no one thought he could possibly be sleeping with Olivia Benson. “Ok, how long—”
“Amanda,” Benson said. Her tone was gentle but left no room for argument, and Barba was—as always—grateful for her presence beside him.
“Right, sorry,” Rollins said, shooting Carisi a quick look before turning to head after the kids. Carisi gave Barba a brief, sympathetic smile before following her.
“Are you okay?” Benson asked as soon as she and Barba were alone.
“Getting there, I think,” he said. He shifted gingerly, but even the tightness of his jeans was nearly unbearable. The pain was receding, though. He simply had to wait it out. “What the hell did he hit me with, his head or an anvil?”
She laughed quietly, leaning against his arm as she continued to rub his back. “Thank you for reassuring him.”
“It’s not like he did it on purpose.” He paused, considering. “But next time, remind me to make sure I’m on his team.”
“Next time?” she teased.
“I may play again if I’m ever drunk enough. Although I’m pretty sure my dick now permanently resides somewhere near my spleen.” He grimaced despite the sound of her laugh, and cast her a sideways look. “Sorry. I also lost my filter, apparently.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll be very gentle next time we coax it out of hiding.”
He snorted, turning his head to look at her. “I didn’t mean to let the cat out of the bag. We can stuff it back in, let Rollins think she misunderstood. I’m sure she’d believe I’m hopelessly pining.”
“Aww,” she said. “You mean you’re not pining after me anymore?”
“Right now I’m pining after an icepack,” he said, managing to match her smile with a genuine grin of his own. “And hoping I can walk upright to salvage some shred of my pride.”
“I’ll ask Rollins to keep Noah for a while and we can duck out early.”
“Then she’ll be even more suspicious.”
“I think it’s past time they all knew, anyway.”
“Hmm.” He smiled at her, because it was a big deal if she was ready to tell her squad—and Noah—that they were more than friends. “Is this decision because you feel sorry for me right now?”
“Yes,” she said, and he chuckled quietly. “But also…” She pressed against his arm and touched her lips to his. “I’m tired of not being able to do this.” She kissed him again and then drew back to search his face. “Let me know when you think you can walk and we’ll get out of here.”
“Liv, I love you but I have to be honest.” He paused, regarding her steadily for a few seconds. “I’m not above accepting gentle pity sex but you may have to carry me out of here first.” He grinned as she laughed, and then planted another lingering kiss against her mouth.