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Remus woke up alone and hurt.
It was warm and sticky in the shack, the thick humidity making him feel as though he was suffocating. His heart pounded with the emotions the wolf had felt that still lingered in his subconscious; the need to move, to bite. He tugged on his clothes and pulled himself of the floor to sit on the dusty old mattress, blood dripping down his legs and arms from new scratches.
His first thought was where are the others? No one had come. They had been running together and hunting in the forbidden forest since the other three had first became animagi. But they hadn’t shown up. He tried to regain any memory of what had happened but kept coming up short. Since the other marauders had started joining him, he had been able to retain more memories of the full moons. At once he stated to worry – something awful must have happened, something terrible.
“Good morning, dear” Madam Pomfrey quickly entered and broke his train of thought, an air of worry surrounding her. She was more nervous then usual. Something had happened. “Oh, look at you, poor thing, it’s been a bit of a night all round, eh?” She worked on patching him up the best she could before helping him up to start the journey back to the castle.
“Are you sure I can’t summon you a stretcher, dear?” the nurse had asked, looking at him with sympathetic eyes.
“No, I’m ok to walk” Remus replied through gritted teeth. “What happened?”
“I don’t believe I am best to tell you. Let me worry about healing you and you focus on placing one foot in front of the other, yeah?” Pomfrey answered, one of her trademark sweet smiles on display but not quite reaching her eyes.
The grounds and halls were deserted as the made their way slowly to the hospital wing.
In the hospital wing Remus stripped out of his t-shirt and jeans and stood in his pants as Madam Pomfrey inspected his wounds, casting healing charms as she went. He was then ushered into his pyjamas and then into the cold, sterile bed.
“Drink this and get some rest, dear” the nurse said, leaving no room for argument. She handed him one of her sleeping draught’s and watched to make sure he finished it all. Not minutes later and he was in deep sleep.
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It was James who he had found looking down at him when he awoke later, worry and fear etched onto his face. The anxiety he had felt upon waking up in the shack had returned. Where was Sirius, he was who usually waited in the hospital wing for him. For a moment Remus was terrified he had hurt one of them. That would explain the fear and the way Madam Pomfrey had acted.
“Hiya, Moony. How are you feeling?” James asked stiffly, a fake smile straining on his face. He moved to the seat next to the bed and avoided meeting Remus’ eyes.
“James, what happened?” the werewolf asked, his voice weak from the sleeping draught. James looked around the room as if looking for a way out. The knot in Remus’ stomach grew the longer he didn’t answer. “Prongs?”
“Okay… but you can’t get angry” James said nervously, twisting his hands in his lap. Remus continued to look at him which James took as encouragement to continue. “We were going to come meet you in the shack but before we left the tower… I saw Sirius and he looked worried – you know how he is – so I thought maybe something had happened, like a letter from his mum – you know – anyway he broke down and told me – you know he’s an idiot and doesn’t think sometimes and he has this anger and you know what happens at his house- “
“James!” Remus cut of his friends rambling “what did he do?”
“He told Sniv-Snape. He told Snape how to get past the whomping willow” James finished, looking anxiously at his friend.
Remus felt his blood go cold. His stomach dropped and he was left with emptiness. Sirius told Snape. Sirius betrayed his trust. He couldn’t understand why he would. Was it to hurt Snape? Was it to hurt Remus? Maybe he did think he was a monster after all?
“He didn’t think, okay? He was an idiot and he did something stupid but he is really sorry, Remus” James tried.
“Is Severus ok?” Remus asked, voice cold and emotionless.
“Yeah, I stopped him before he could get too close but…he saw you. I think Dumbledore has convinced him not to say anything so it’s okay”
“Okay? I could have killed him and then I would have been–“ He trailed off trying to fight the tears. “Can you leave please James; I just need time to think” Remus whispered, already curling onto his side away from the other boy despite his aching joints.
“Okay, yeah I’ll give you some space but just – he’s one of your best mates, just don’t forget that” he said before walking out of the room.
That was the thing though. Sirius wasn’t just one of his best mates.
They hadn’t told the others about their relationship because Sirius wasn’t ready to be out yet, but they had been together since the summer between fourth and fifth yeah. Almost a year. Remus loved Sirius with everything he had and he had thought that Sirius loved him too but how could he.
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Remus spent the next few hours in the hospital wing evaluating his whole relationship with Sirius, looking for anything to explain what he had done but he couldn’t find anything.
He tried to hate Sirius and build him up as a villain in his mind but every time he thought of Sirius thinking he was a monster he remembered how he would kiss Remus’ scars one by one to make him feel better. How he would stay up with him when he had nightmares around the full moon and whisper that he wasn’t a monster and that he loved him.
That’s what made it more painful. The knowledge that despite all his words and actions, Sirius still told someone. Remus could have killed Snape if James hadn’t stopped him. He would have been expelled and sent to Azkaban or even executed. And although he loved him, Remus hated Sirius for that.
He avoided talking to anyone for the rest of the day. Madam Pomfrey left him alone, feeling pity for him. Dumbledore arrived in the evening to have the formal discussion Remus had been dreading.
“Mr. Lupin, I see your doing better” the old man stated, not waiting for a reply before continuing. “I presume you were made aware of the situation” Remus nodded slightly in response. “Well, you will be pleased to hear that Mr. Snape is well and has calmed down. He had a bit of a fright but will act in the best interest of his classmates and will keep what he saw to himself”
Remus snorted, not believing that Snape would.
“As for Mr. Black, he will be given detention for the rest of the year, but I am afraid that is all we can do”
Remus didn’t know how to feel about that. Part of him wanted to see him get punished for what he has done, but the other part doesn’t want to see Sirius suffer.
“I shall leave you to rest, Mr. Lupin” Dumbledore declared before seemingly gliding out of the room, not giving Remus a chance to speak.
Madam Pomfrey came over as Dumbledore left to check over his cuts and to discharge him.
“Can’t I stay here for the night?” he asked, eyes wide with worry. The thought of sharing a room with Sirius right now made his insides tight.
“I’m sorry, dear but I am under strict instructions to send you back to your dorm as soon as your able in order to avoid suspicion” the nurse replied, her eyes sorry and a small smile on her lips.
Remus didn’t know what to do. He didn’t think he could handle being in the same room as Sirius at the moment but Madam Pomfrey was right. If he stayed here any longer it would look suspicious.
“Here, your clothes, dear” the kind woman said, handing Remus a pile of neatly folded clothes then pulling the curtains around his bed to give him some privacy.
Resigned to his fate, Remus carefully lifted himself of the bed and pulled on his clothes trying not to reopen any wounds. Once he was dressed, Madam Pomfrey pulled back the curtains and handed him a small vile with her sleeping draught in it.
“Take this before you go to sleep tonight, okay?” Remus nodded in answer. “Feel better, dear. And if you have anymore problems, come find me, okay?” she said, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder and squeezing slightly. Remus nodded again and left the hospital wing.
On his way back to Gryffindor tower, Remus realised that he hadn’t eaten yet today. He had missed dinner and so he debated going down to the kitchens to get food but ultimately decided he couldn’t stomach it. He felt sick with anticipation. He didn’t know how he would feel seeing Sirius. It was easy to be angry when he wasn’t there but seeing him would be different.
Remus took the long way back to the tower hoping to waste as much time as possible. He spent his walk debating and planning how he would react when walking into their dorm. Before he knew it, he was at the painting of the fat lady and he still didn’t know how to feel.
He muttered the password and the painting swung open. He walked through and was met by a peaceful common room; the only sound was the fire cracking. There was a small group of fourth years doing homework in one corner and a pair of first years in another playing wizard’s chess. It was warm and peaceful. Maybe he could just sleep down here and then he wouldn’t have to face the other Marauders.
Not very Gryffindor of you Remus he thought as he made his way to the small staircase that led to the boy’s dormitories.
He paused for a moment outside the door, gathering his thoughts and listening. He couldn’t hear anything on the other side of the door. Maybe he got lucky and they weren’t there. Remus pushed the door open and was met with three pairs of eyes on him, one sympathetic, one worried and one sorry. They all were frozen for what felt like hours before James broke the silence.
“How are you feeling, Moony?”
“I’ve been better” Remus answer, refusing to look at Sirius.
“Moony I-“ Sirius started from where he was sat on his bed.
“I know, I know you’re sorry I just need some time to think” Remus replied, trying to not let his emotions show.
He still hasn’t looked at Sirius. He’s afraid his resolve will crack if he looks at him and he wants to be angry a bit longer. Let Sirius suffer for a while.
“I’m just going to go lie down I think, I’m tired” Remus whispered moving towards the bed and placing the sleeping draught on the bedside table.
“Oh – yeah okay, mate” James said, his worried eyes darting between Remus and Sirius then moving his gaze to Peter who was sitting on his own bed. “I’m hungry, aren’t you hungry, Wormy”
“What?” Peter answered looking up from his hands to gaze question at James. “Oh, yeah I’m starving, want to go to the kitchens?” He answered, catching on to James’ plan.
“Oh, go on then” James says dramatically before walking out the door, closely followed by Peter.
Once they had both left, Sirius walked over to stand by Remus. He looks small and vulnerable, contrasting to his normal loud personality. His eyes were stuck on the ground and he was wringing his hands together.
“Look, I know what I did was shit. I fucked up and I know I did. Please you have to believe that I didn’t mean to hurt you Remus. I love you, I do” Sirius said, his voice breaking halfway through.
Remus just stared at him, at the tear gathering in his eyes. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to scream at him and never speak to him again but he couldn’t.
“Why?” Remus whispered, feeling his own tears start to fall, “why did you do it?”
“I- He was saying his usual shit about me being a blood traitor, the usual. But then he started talking about you and how you were weird with your sc-scars and how maybe you were ab-abused and I snapped” Sirius was freely letting his tears fall as he spoke, not meeting Remus’ eyes. “I didn’t even realise what I had said until he was gone and I felt so ashamed. I wanted to go stop him but I didn’t think I could so I told James”
“Sirius what you did - I could have killed him and then I would have been thrown in Azkaban or maybe even killed. You led an innocent person to a deadly monster” Sirius met his eyes at this. “I know your sorry and I think you understand what you did but that doesn’t stop it from hurting”
“I know, Moony. Believe me I know” He shifted his eyes to the floor again “If you want me to leave you alone and not speak to you again then I will”
“I don’t know what I want. I hate what you did. I hate that you didn’t think before you said it. I hate that you didn’t think about what could have happened. But” Sirius looked up at him, eyes full of hope. “I still love you. And part of me hates that and wants to scream and never see you again but the other part wants to forgive you and I don’t know which to listen to” Remus shouted, tears streaming down his face.
They stared at each other for a moment. Remus could still feel the anger inside him, but it was growing smaller being replaced by hurt.
“How about” Sirius started, wiping away the tears that were still falling, “I let you sleep and then you can have more time to think”
Remus stared at him for a moment. Sirius was never one to wait. When he had an idea for a prank or the need to go on an adventure he never wanted to wait. He had to do it immediately. He was the same with everything else. He always needed his questions answered straight away. So, his willingness to give Remus time to think about what he was going to do shocked him.
“um... yeah thank you”
Sirius nodded and walked back to his own bed, climbing in and shutting the curtains. Remus stood staring at the closed red curtains of Sirius’ bed for a while longer, confused as to how he felt. He wasn’t as angry as he was when he entered the dorm. He had an answer as to why Sirius had said it and an apology too. But he wasn’t sure if that was enough for him to fully forgive him.
Tears were still silently rolling down his face, a combination of hurt and fatigue. Remus’ muscles ached and his whole body felt stiff and tired. He wiped his eyes and turned to the sleeping draught Madam Pomfrey had given him. He thought about taking it, but he wanted to be able to think about everything that happened, so left it sitting on the table. He changed for bed and crawled under his covers, shutting his curtains as he did.
After about half an hour he heard James and Peter return, tiptoeing to their own beds and getting in. Remus continued to stare at the red canopy above his head and think. He wanted to forgive Sirius, he did, but he was also still hurt. He knew that, after hearing Sirius’ apology, he would forgive him. He worried that he would always forgive Sirius. He eventually drifted to sleep, still unsure about how to feel.
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Over the next few days, Sirius kept to his word and gave Remus space. He didn’t try to engage with him and always made sure it was never just the two of them. Although Remus was grateful for the space, after the fourth day Remus missed his boyfriend. He missed joking around with him and he missed curling up with him at night.
He can’t pinpoint when the anger disappeared, but it did. Sure, he was still hurt but he missed Sirius and he just wanted to be held by his boyfriend. He decided that he would approach Sirius after the others had gone to sleep that night.
About an hour after they had all gone to bed, Remus slowly separated his curtains and looked around the room. All the other beds had the curtains closed and he could hear the soft snores of both Peter and James, but not Sirius. He was still awake. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and padded across the room to the bed he has spent many nights occupying and pulled the curtains apart.
“Sirius?” He whispered into the darkness.
“Moony?” He heard from a pile of blankets.
“Budge up” Remus replied and Sirius shifted over to make enough room for the other boy to sit.
They both laid on their sides facing each other. He could just about make out Sirius’ face in the dark. Sirius’ eyes were filled with a mixture of hope and fear. Remus couldn’t help but get lost in them, searching the grey for any hint of dishonesty but all he could find was what he had been told. Sirius was truly sorry.
Sirius reached for his wand and cast a silencing charm.
“Remus, I’m sorry” he said again.
“I know you are, Padfoot” Sirius’ eyes lit up and hope flickered across his face at the use of his nickname. “I believe you. I’m not saying I completely forgive you, that will come with time, but I do believe you”
Sirius had a wide grin now which was no doubt mirrored on Remus’ face.
“I will earn your forgiveness, Moony, I promise” Sirius whispered despite the silencing charm.
Remus leant forward and the two met in the middle for an inevitable kiss. Sirius’ mouth was warm and his lips fit so perfectly against Remus’ that he couldn’t help but melt into him. The longer he spent with Sirius the more tension he felt lift off him and he felt a warmth settled in his bones.
After a while they both pulled away, knowing that it wasn’t going to go further, not now.
Remus let out a yawn and shifted closer to Sirius, nuzzling into his neck in a search for warmth and comfort. He felt Sirius bring a hand to his hair and run his long fingers through the curly strands, lulling him to sleep. “mm, love you” Remus mumbled, voice muffled with sleep.
“I love you too” Sirius replied. “oh, and Moony, you’re not a monster”