Work Text:
But I burnt away my inhibitions, like you burnt me as a child.
i.
Selene lay languidly across a chaise, stowed away in the comforts her chosen hideout had to offer. The room was pristine, with not a granule of dirt to be found in any crevice of carpet or lounge. It was typical of royal residences of course, and Selene had no choice but to find the stiffness normal, having never known otherwise.
Her fingers absentmindedly toyed with the pages of a book she had procured from the palace library. It almost felt like thievery, which was mostly ridiculous—she was the crown princess of Luna, she could take a book without consequence. But while that may have accounted for much on Luna, on earth it only granted so many liberties.
Selene could mostly do whatever she pleased on Luna, having free domain over the palace and a decent amount of input in the court’s proceedings. Even more so, she supposed, due to her mother’s doting. Channary may be largely unbothered by the complex political nature and responsibilities of her role, but she was adamant on defending her power. This mostly extended to parties with their colour schemes and endless insatiability, but also included her first born daughter.
And if someone dared to oppose, citing the princess’ youth as a reason to withhold something, Channary would be anything but docile. Many times Selene had looked on as her Mother shrieked at some maid, or even thaumaturge who dared to suggest the princess did not deserve everything she ever wanted. Selene was always embarrassed by her Mother’s outbursts on her behalf, no matter how helpful it was to herself.
Selene’s fingers stalled on a page, and she let the pads revel in the scratchy texture of the paper. It was the one thing she couldn’t so easily acquire on Luna. Resources were limited on Luna, and paper was a lesser priority than using wood and bamboo as building materials. On earth most laypersons used portscreens for everything, but this didn’t stop the nobility from boasting impressive collections.
One such place where these expensive resources congregated was the New Beijing Palace Library. Selene would not keep the book of course, never taking it out of the confines of the Palace walls. Well, she grumbled to herself, it’s not like I leave the Palace much either. Sure, she could walk around Artemisia all she liked, but travelling to outer sectors was not allowed. It’s not safe, the guards would say. You must remember how your grandparents died, her mother said. Are you sure they want to see you? was the scathing remark from her Aunt Levana.
The only real venture Selene ever managed to score was her annual visits to Earth. For three months each earthen summer she would live in the New Beijing Palace, learning diplomacy, completing her schooling and building the future ties of herself and the Commonwealth. She marveled in the fresh, real air each time and the variety of splendid colours, but she mostly looked at these from afar. Luna didn’t exactly trust the hosting Kingdom to protect their Princess, and prohibited them from taking Selene outside the vicinity of the city. It was a penance to be locked in, unable to seek out the arrays of life and beauty earth seemed jubilant with when one looked down at its green continents.
She may have felt a little criminal by discreetly storing the book and pulling it out in the sitting room, but she couldn’t bring herself to get too worked up over it. Her eyes glazed over the words, picking up the combinations and conjunctions though they barely left an imprint on her mind. She was interested in this work, but this particular chapter of unnecessary prose—clearly included as an opportunity for the author to splurge their opinions—was not exactly captivating. Still, Selene committed herself to absorb as much as she could before she was famished of its sensation and continued to trudge through the boresome soliloquy.
The sitting room itself had the holographic fire crackling beneath the mantle and distant echoes of laughter spilling from the neighbouring celebrations to fill the silence. It was rare to have time alone, as on Luna her quiet time was still joined by her cousin, who was often found with Jacin, and where those two were, their parents would often end up. Levana looked childishly out of place next to her husband, but her awkward presence was largely drowned out by the others. Selene hardly noticed her most times.
Her slow reading was startled by a spike in noise. The music and chatter from the distant ballroom swelled and fell suddenly. Selene looked up to find the source—a figure slipping through the door then closing it again. He breathed a sigh of relief at seeing her across the room.
“Phew, I’m glad it’s you. Would’ve been really awkward if I’d walked in on some random partygoers,” said Kai.
Selene smiled up at Kai, and collected herself enough to gesture him over. He claimed the seat opposite hers and hunched his body forward to better see her in the firelight.
“That would’ve been rather uncomfortable to explain to your dad.”
He pushed a stray hair from his brow. “Yeah, knowing me I’d offend them so much they’d end up terminating our trade agreements.”
“You could always just vilify them. Ought to keep them quiet.”
He sent her a pointed look. “I’m not going to declare war on innocent aristocrats, you lunatic.”
She laughed. He only called her that when she was edging on, in his words, “slightly tyrannical evil Lunar behaviour.” It was done affectionately, but every time he said it she made an effort to avoid saying things of such nature. She didn’t want him to think her cruel and barbaric, as rumours of Lunars went. She also hated that he was right—her mother and the court would sooner kill someone than they would simply malign them.
Hoping to steer the conversation away from that, she posed a scenario: “Okay, okay. Let’s be honest—you probably would’ve knocked over some art installation out of embarrassment before they even got the chance to tell your father.”
His head shook with his chuckle. “And then I would have to avoid telling him how I destroyed priceless antique heirlooms. Any ideas?”
Selene mused and she closed the book, thumbing a page so as not to lose it though she didn’t really care if she did. “Bolt the door.”
Kai clapped his hands once in agreement. “ Genius. Hopefully none of these pieces will be some ridiculous but necessary ceremonial item for our wedding.”
Her face flushed, and though the firelight would’ve masked it, she glamoured herself to give an insouciant nod. This was normal. They always did this, casually talking about their wedding, their marriage, their future. They had known this would be their reality for more than a decade. They talked about it with the same level of consequence one would use when discussing what they had for dinner. Why be embarrassed and blush about their nuptials like flustered youth when it was normal?
So why only now did his mention of it halt her heart’s beating?
That was something that she’d been wondering all night.
It was part of the reason she had sought a hideout in the first place. Though she had now shied away from the night’s revelry, an hour or so prior she had been in the centre of it. Diplomatic events and balls were commonplace for royalty, and Selene had been attending the Eastern Commonwealth’s events for years. It was said to be in order to strengthen the future marriage alliance between Prince Kaito and Princess Selene.
Selene knew that the real motives were self-preservation; the Eastern Commonwealth and Earthen Union hoped that by having the young princess on earth from her infancy they would be able to inculcate a moral compass more aligned with their own. It would ensure their own future empress would hopefully be anything but a tyrant, and her own affections for the second home of her youth would make her less inclined to obliterate the planet on a fleeting whim.
Of course, this whole arrangement wasn’t done without any begrudged dissent. It was a surety that Earth would have never agreed to such a deal if not for the threats poised.
In fact, the only reason Selene could even be sitting so comfortably in the earthen palace was because earthens were terrified of her.
ii.
In a series of diplomatic trips, earthens had been “privileged” to pass Luna’s prison-like domes. After these visitors returned to their planet, the Lunar court erupted in a frenzy. Luna accused the Earthen Union of extracting and harbouring Lunars from the mission, grounds for war by their own accords. They argued that these Lunars were traitors to the crown, and that the earthens had taken them to uncover government secrets in an attempt to conquer the moon.
Without time to investigate whether these claims could be proved or how Luna even knew about these so-called fugitives, war was threatened. Luna also argued that the emerging epidemic which caused victims to erupt in gouging blue rashes was earth’s own political ploy to try and force Luna into an alliance. The claims became so far-fetched as to assert that earth created it as a biological weapon, and that if a treaty was agreed to, earth would spread it to Luna in hopes of weakening them.
The world leaders couldn’t risk it and resigned themselves to a pressing and sacrificial solution. Luna charged their price: a marriage alliance to ensure Earth would not attempt a coup, an acquisition, or even the biological warfare they supposedly intended. Unbeknownst to Selene, the spreading virus was in fact a biological weapon manufactured by her own people. Selene was not yet the queen of Luna, and until the marriage alliance was sworn and finalised with binding I do’s, the court withheld this information from her. She was too attached to earth to be complicit in it, and the plan would be completed before her reign.
For the first time in more than a century the Blackburn family graced Earth with their presence. Queen Channary batted her eyelashes and suggested that the alliance should take place between herself and the young Emperor Rikan. He had looked supremely uncomfortable and held onto his wife more tightly. Whatever Channary had intended to convey, Rikan would not dismiss the likelihood that the moon queen had nefarious intentions. The only eligibility Earth would reluctantly consider was a match far in the future: The Crown Prince of the Eastern Commonwealth and The Crown Princess of Luna.
The agreement was very formal, the royal parties taking care when considering the terms that secured the fates of their nations; doom and aspiration alike. However, the seventeen years that stood between the signing and the actual marriage was a political void of possibilities. Earth insisted in its clause that the contract could be terminated at any time, in case any serious occurrence made such a union a death-sentence. The emperor had explained this with all the weight of a father tethering his son to a potential despot. The queen herself had dismissed its severity and giggled over the “handsome but frightfully bland” guards and “poor taste” in décor.
Nevertheless, the deal was sealed, and unless stated otherwise, Prince Kaito of the Eastern Commonwealth and Princess Selene of Luna were betrothed to be wed on his 22nd and her 20th year.
Since that day, so many years ago now, Selene had descended from her home in Artemisia for New Beijing Palace to stay with the crown’s royals, and, upon her 20th year of life, her family. Selene still felt that, despite her thirteen visits to Earth, it wouldn’t be until she became empress that she would be considered worthy of being there. Or, a quiet whisper in her head echoed to her, she never would be accepted, no matter how much she tried to show earthens she meant no harm.
iii.
This particular evening held a gala of such little significance to the young royals it led them to propose they steal away to the city’s vibrant laneways. Instead, they discarded the unrealistic notion to entertain themselves with one of the many games they had invented as children. This one had the objective of picking a colour and counting how many people present were wearing it. At the conclusion of the evening, they would compare numbers and whoever had more had won. But, if they had chosen the same colour, both lost. It was a fairly simple game, but then again, they’d come up with it at the ages of six and eight.
“Let’s play Flowers.”
Selene groaned beside him. “We've played that the last three galas.”
“It's fun!” Kai splayed his hands in front of them, and his left one connected with her torso as she continued marching forward.
The hallway to the ballroom entrance was simply decorated; ancient tapestries from provinces all over the Commonwealth hung up in rows on the wall. In between these were vases of flowers and sculptures, illuminated in the misty glow of the setting sun.
“I’m serious: we need some variety if we don’t want to be bored to sleep. Let’s play Colours.” Selene’s eye caught in a ray of sun reflecting into the room. The strength of it refracting through the glass disconcerted her for only a moment; though she was two weeks into her three month stay the difference in the artificial sun on Luna to the real thing was still stark.
He scrunched his nose in surprise. “ Colours?”
It was quiet but for the hushed, gravelly voices of the Emperor and his chief advisor a few paces ahead of them. Kai and Selene themselves were more animated than their seniors, and though the nearby guards were undoubtedly hearing their conservation, the royals were so accustomed to such company that they ignored it.
Their feet came to a standstill beneath them as the four reached the end of the passage. Selene lowered her voice. “It’s been ages. Besides, I thought you liked Colours.”
The emperor turned to them, looking dapper and handsome in his formal attire even with decades-long exhaustion ingrained in his aging skin. “Speaking of colours, isn’t the city beautiful tonight?”
They all turned to the windows and took in the mesmerizing purples and oranges of the sun setting, still just visible through the city’s towering high-rises.
Selene wished that her and Kai’s rhetoric earlier could actually be realised, and they could flee to the cramped but lively laneways. It would be infinitely more exhilarating than spending the evening in the stuffy ballroom.
Kai, appearing to follow her train of thought, grumbled. “Why can’t we have these shindigs outside? It’s such a beautiful day!”
“Rain is on the forecast, Your Highness. Now we must make our way in to meet your guests.” Torin bowed his head courteously with the interminable couth he never seemed to yield,
Rikan straightened his jacket and posture. “See you in a few minutes, kids.”
The guards opened the tall doors for the emperor just as the advisor turned to face the teenagers. “We’ll call you in momentarily.”
He too disappeared behind the door with a second curt nod. Torin didn’t need to explain such protocol to them, and Selene caught the undertone in his words telling them not to get rowdy in the brief separation. She couldn’t blame him for the warning; it would be hard to treat as adults the two he’d known and mentored as squabbling children.
Selene brushed down her bodice and considered glamouring the section of hair that was not curling like the rest. She promptly gave up on the idea as she heard the call of the emperor’s arrival ring out on the other side of the door.
“Colours.”
Kai huffed. “But it’s so easy!”
Light pinned onto their faces as the doors swung open, too bright for them to yet decipher anything within other than the hanging chandeliers.
“Then why don’t you ever win?”
The prince and princess stood overlooking the ballroom floor as their titles were announced to the hushed crowd. Selene’s attention was on Kai, aiming to follow his gaze to deduce what colour he had chosen. But in shifting her eyes askew she found him doing the exact same thing. He winked.
Kai’s combination of traditional and modern attire was simple and understated, allowing his sightly features to shine. It unintentionally matched her own dress well. The embellished waistband, billowing satin sleeves and woven details on the mammoth of a skirt had all been conjured up by the royal seamstresses on Luna. The combination was not so close that it looked like they were paired, but it would certainly be charmingly in-sync if they took to waltzing.
She and Kai had danced so many times that they had each other’s movements memorised. It was second-to-nature and they would talk aimlessly or silently give their thoughts free reign to wander depending on the mood
This evening was progressing as no exception to this routine, until it was . After the general speeches and dining, the emperor announced the dancing to commence. Right on clockwork, Kai rose from his seat beside Selene and turned to face her. She expected the outstretched hand and the slight incline of his head. What she did not expect was his sparkling eyes and spellbinding smile, his normally formal request replaced with a simple “Care for a dance, Princess?”
She did not expect when she nodded and took his hand that he would bring it up to his lips with a kiss. Within an instant she was calling up a glamour to veil her blush. She was lenient to many of Kai’s antics, even allowing the occasional laugh or eyeroll to slip past though she knew it would boost his ego. But she would not let the prince catch the flushing cheeks he would hold over her head for a foreseeable eternity. She would not let him see her swoon.
She chided herself. This was Kai, her best friend . Selene kept repeating this to herself internally, but her thoughts were stolen the moment Kai took her into his arms and swayed her into movement. She stumbled and he raised an eyebrow, a silent chuckle at her new clumsiness for something as familiar as her mother tongue.
She was able to regain her control over her muddled thoughts and footing, but not over her traitorous heart, which was jammed in her throat and pulsing ceaselessly. They danced easily, the flow of her skirt a spectacle of fabric that seemed so thick it looked impossible that Kai could effortlessly glide her across the floor.
The watchful onlookers would covertly sneer and assure each other and themselves that it was all glamour, and that the shimmering ball gown and glow from Selene’s skin was a mere illusion. This would be true in some circumstances as Selene often adorned a glamour but to say she was doing so on this evening was false. She was far too consumed by her shifting emotions to pay attention to her looks. All her attention was on him.
Besides, she had become less and less concerned with keeping up appearances through her glamour in the past years. Seeing her dearest cousin suffer from Lunar sickness made her feel selfish to use it. More than anything else, she knew Kai would see through it. He wouldn't be impressed, or think she was better for it. He knew Selene as she really was too well.
The waltz moved forward effortlessly, and to her own credit, Selene recovered well from the prior stumble of her feet and heart. The ministrations of dancing were as routine as ever, so Selene told herself she was imagining that Kai’s hand on her waist was more tender than normal, and that it wasn’t sending trickles of warmth into the bodice of her dress.
Kai jolted her to spin underneath his arm, and when they returned tête-à-tête his eyes fixed on hers. Unless he had sudden appreciation for her glistening tiara, any reasonably minded person would say the prince was admiring the princess. Her florid face was guarded by her glamour, but didn’t mask her cheeks crinkling as she gaped.
Selene recognised the tell-tale signs of the piece coming to a conclusion from the transition to mezzo-piano and surrendering of instruments. She prepared to extract herself from Kai’s hold for the procedural change of dance partners. Before she could the boy in question leaned in, pursing his lips just adjacent to her ear. His warm breath sent chills down her back and she wondered if he would drop a kiss to her collarbone. Instead, he whispered: “Countess Liljenquist has bright red lipstick all over her cheeks”. She could hear him smiling in his words.
A moment where she allowed her initial shock to pass crept onto awkward, so much so that she accidentally dropped her glamour. Impossibly so, as she was never awkward around him.
She let out a shaky chuckle. “Oh, yeah, never can trust that woman with a tube of red lipstick.”
She wished she had sounded more nonchalant, because he immediately pulled back and studied her face. She wished he hadn’t, already missing the sensation of him hovering so close to her, but primarily because he now saw the blush infecting her cheeks before she’d had a chance to school her expression.
Regaining her glamour now was futile with him already having seen her so flushed, but she was almost tempted to do so with his smug look. His eyes were mischievous as leaned in again, but not as close as before.
“But how do you think it got that smudged? Maybe if we see some other hapless soul with red all over their mouth we’ll have our answer.”
He was teasing her—she knew he was teasing her. The implications of his speculation were not lost on her, but it was not the thought of some random aristocrat kissing that made her squirm. It was kissing itself, the thought unavoidable now that Kai had mentioned in such close proximity. Damnit Kai, she thought. This is what he had wanted.
He was mean, made worse by the fact he looked devastatingly handsome in his gala attire. Selene was surrounded by beauty on Luna, but knowing it was all fake made his beauty all the more enchanting. His was genuine, and it lay deeper than the surface of his skin. She’d been guilty of admiring the shape angle of his jaw during their study sessions many a time.
Selene was granted freedom as the waltz slowed to a stop. They went through the motions of bowing, and when she rose from her curtsey, Kai’s gaze was not downcast as normal, but latched onto her. He went to speak but the emperor came by to collect him to greet a line of nobles.
Silently thanking Rikan for unintentionally liberating her, Selene drifted as gracefully as a picturesque princess could to the side of the ballroom, furtively refusing to lock onto any stray gazes. She then abandoned that posture—after all, she had never been a picturesque princess—and rushed from the boisterous crowd to the solace of a deserted hallway.
iv.
This is how she ended up here, residing comfortably in a Palace nook at least two hours after that mortifying dance. Well, she was comfortable till Kai arrived, and now the out of character nervousness crept up her throat again.
Kai snapped his middle finger and thumb in front of her face. “Hello? You awake there, Your Highness?”
She jumped. He looked like he wanted to laugh, but leaned over to tuck loose hair behind her ear.
“Oh sorry. What did you say?”
Kai sank back onto the headrest of the chaise, twiddling his fingers in his own form of amusement. “Don’t worry about it, Leeny. Your head’s on Luna.”
It was her this time that leaned forward, abandoning any nervousness to fall in the comfort of familiar banter. “Hey, if you’re going to speak about Her Royal Highness, she has the right to know.”
He pried an eye open. “Pretty sure I can override that. Being of equal royal status and all that.”
“Kaito.”
“Fine, fine.” He feigned annoyance. “I simply asked if you had any themes in mind for the reception.”
It was still officially four years until they would be wed, but with insurrections and relations regressing, it seemed inevitable that the match would be expedited any day now, Selene overhearing murmurs of it to optimistically take place in only two years.
Married at eighteen.
She gaped. “Not that I had considered. I think my Mum being so obsessed with event planning turned me off it. As long as there’s food and friends, I’m happy.”
He nodded. “We could always have the reception in here, since it's going to be bolted off. Have these “friends” and an officiant.”
She snorted. “Yeah, like we’re going to be able to fit all the nobles in this drawing room.”
“Not the nobles: Winter, and her ‘friend’—” he said it with hand quotations, commonplace for when they described the antics of the oh-so-in-love but oh-so-oblivious Winter and Jacin “—Torin, my Dad. And, of course—”
“Of course...” she drawled.
“Of course, you”—he pointed at her then flipped it back to himself—“and me.”
She mock-gasped. “Really? The Bride and Groom have to be there?”
“Unfortunately for you, yes, and we can even break more expensive décor during the ceremony. We’ll say it’s symbolic or something.”
She hummed. “Sad.”
“What is?”
“You’re not inviting any friends. ‘Cause you don’t have any.”
“ I don't?!” He pushed her shoulder jokingly. “Wow. Wooow. I see how it is. The only reason I said that is because if there’s too many people, it won’t feel like eloping.”
“Eloping?” she croaked out.
He nodded as though eloping was as consequential as choosing which shirt to wear each day.
She aimed for causal. “Even with your Dad there?”
His resolve wavered slightly and he shrugged. “Okay, admittedly most people don't elope with their parents there. But, it wouldn't actually be eloping, just the feel of it, you know? I think my Dad would kill me if he wasn’t there for my wedding. I know Mum would’ve.”
His eyes became downcast at the mention of his mother, and Selene too felt a stab in her chest. The kind and generous woman would have been her mother-in-law if not for her untimely death by the plague. It was the first real loss Selene had ever known, and she had stolen away to earth hours after she heard the news, though not being summer. She didn’t remember much from the impromptu trip other than the scolding she received when she returned to Luna. She did remember Rikan’s faltering posture, and Kai’s general devastation. She and Kai had wept and wept together.
“Anyway,” Kai continued, “I’m pretty certain we’d never be able to actually elope, though I wouldn't be opposed to it. Your thoughts?”
He noticed her hesitation and gave her a breathy smile. She’d seen it a million times before, but only now did it truly make her heart thump.
“Umm… I guess I haven’t thought about it,” she answered lamely.
“Eh, don’t worry.”
She tried to redeem herself. “I’m still not sure about the smashing of pottery though. Torin will eat us alive.”
He waved a hand dismissively. “Nah, we can just leave it for our kids to clean up when they find it in thirty years.”
The mention of children would elicit messy stammering from any other blossoming teenager, but such discourse was routine for Kai and Selene. Ever since she could remember Selene had been betrothed to Kai. It was long before she understood the implications of it, and that mentioning a cool place as a destination to take your kids one day wasn’t normal best friend behaviour.
But that was just it. They were best friends, but they couldn’t limit themselves to that definition.
Kai stood suddenly, having fidgeted with his collar and decided that it was too warm by the artificial fire. Selene trailed after him, deserting her forgotten book on the chaise. They opened the outermost door and rested on the rails of the small balcony. It overlooked the sloping gardens, and from the second floor Selene determined that with relative ease one could push themselves onto the ledge beneath and descend to the ground.
He peered down at her. “So, the gardens are better here then?”
“Wow, that was loaded with assumptions. You got a superiority complex or something?”
“Well I can’t help that you always go fanatical over the flowers while you’re here.”
The only thing similar on Luna was the palace gardens, and even those could scarcely surmount to the beauty of Earthen soil. She could wait until she was older, till the stupid contract was finalised and she could finally venture beyond New Beijing.
Thinking of the gardens drew her back to the last time she roamed them on Luna, accompanied by her childhood friend Jacin. Why she listened to him she had no idea, especially not when she had vented her frustrations, and he, as if she were transparent, diagnosed her as dogmatically as any other almost-doctor would.
She had refuted his analysis, saying his guess was ludicrous and her concerns stemmed from the socio-economic issues that seemed to plague her mind and the Lunar court more and more each weary month.
“Your change towards the Prince isn't some political manifesto, Selene,” he had said.
“Doesn’t mean you're right,” she rebutted. “This is a serious matter and a serious political relationship. We wouldn't let that happen.”
“You typically don't get a say in the matter.”
“As if you can talk, Sir I-refuse-to-confess-my-feelings-to-Winter Clay.”
He ignored her. “It explains your situation too well for it to be anything else.”
“It’s,” her breath hitched, “It’s not...what you say it is. Not some childish drama of endless affection and romance. It’s politics. Love isn't viable.”
He deadpanned as though she was speaking like a child. “Oh but of course Selene. Because you can’t be in love with your Fiancé , the man you’re going to marry.”
“Fifty.”
After a moment of comfortable silence, his declaration caught Selene off guard. “Huh?”
He looked at her in amusement. “I counted fifty colours.”
Realisation dawned on her, and then embarrassment once she remembered she had barely paid attention to their game, what with Kai’s distraction and her swift departure.
“Oh, I only got fourteen.”
He wheeled on her, eyes widening with conspiracy. “Who are you and what have you done with Selene?”
She shrugged. “I guess I got distracted.”
His eyes shined. “Ah, I see. Too busy getting lost in the eyes of handsome earthen boys. Our games don't mean anything to you anymore.”
She shook her head and playfully wacked his arm. “Something like that.”
“What? The boys or the game? Got lost in those mesmerising chocolate hues?”
She looked up into the eyes opposite her, though these were copper, shimmery, and looking so intently into her own. “I'll let you decide.”
He raspberried his lips and turned away sharply enough that his hair fell into his eyeline. This time she was the one to reach up and tuck it behind his ear. She found his ear blooming into a pale strawberry pink. Weird.
He kept shifting his arms on the railing like he couldn’t find a comfortable way to stand. Normally she'd reach over to still the limbs, to hold them in her own and tell him to stop fidgeting. But that felt strange now, like it would be suggestible of something. Of ulterior motives, intentions beyond innocent friendship. Behavior edging towards that of courting.
“ Because you can’t be in love with your Fiancé , the man you’re going to marry.”
But he wasn't her fiancé, not really. They were betrothed, officially bound by arrangement of their parents, their government, their countries. Their planets. It was so much bigger than them as individuals, and Selene had always recognised that. This wasn’t some fantasy world where they were engaged because they chose to be and he proposed and she called him her Fiancé.
And she had never cared that that wasn’t her reality.
Why did she care now?
An onset of tingling throbs erupted down her spine. Maybe this is why people called it lovesickness, for the symptoms mimicked that of numerous other ailments.
No. Not love. Of course, she loved Kai, but not that way. She was confusing herself.
The beginnings of pattering rain distracted her, and she began to retreat back into the room. Raindrops trickled down Kai’s forehead, staining his perspiring skin with a new kind of moisture. He chuckled and pointed to her cheeks. She wiped a droplet off to find it black from her running mascara.
“Not using a glamour then?”
Her heart dropped a little. “Did you think I was?”
He anchored his hands in his pant pockets. “Nah, but with the way you looked tonight, I wouldn’t have been too surprised. I suspect the guests were talking about it.”
“That I only look half decent ‘cause of my glamour?”
“I’m pretty biased, but I thought that you were the prettiest princess there tonight.” He didn’t even look sheepish.
She said nothing and gathered her skirt in bunched fists. His words caught up to her.
“I was the only Princess there.”
“Ah.” He scratched the back of his neck and let out a cringing laugh. “Okay, I didn't think about that. Kinda negates the impact of my compliment.”
She rested her hand atop his own. “I appreciate it nonetheless.”
He smiled, all traces of embarrassment having scurried away. There, those were the eyes he had just been teasing her about. The ones she couldn’t help but get lost in. Because no matter the thousands of times she’d looked into them, they had transfigured into something simultaneously brand new and intimately familiar. They were a song that hit her with the same rush of adrenaline and life, every time.
The rain misted down upon them, beginning to grow in gradual strength. Selene took this as her cue to exit the scene, where she may just let herself embrace anything but the refinement she’d drilled into herself her whole life. Because she had to be polite but fierce, unwilling to back down but unwilling to be seen as unbecoming.
Because if she was really being honest with herself, she knew why the climate between her and the heartthrob Prince, no, her best friend, had become unrelentingly humid. But it would be so fanatically Lunar to act on her emotions at this moment. Lunar to burn away her inhibitions and be the romantic idiot that the princess, the queen, the empress was far too composed for.
Like you burnt me as a child.
Maybe that was just it. She couldn’t strike the match because she’d never been scorched enough to not fear the pain. Selene was extremely fortunate, privileged and had grown up in safety. The worsening tendencies of her childhood on Luna and the adult’s mere tolerance in her childhood on earth had been manageable, but Selene let her own glamour mask the shadows crawling up her back. She hadn’t been burnt as a child, but the soot and cinders and ghosts of a lasting blaze were there all the same, hidden from the eye that chose to turn away.
Selene had shied away from the globe her mother inhabited—taking new suitors whenever the Queen pleased. Selene had three siblings for stars sake, each with different fathers. She didn’t even know who her father was, and depending on his life she could have a multitude of other unknown siblings, relatives, even grandparents.
But Selene didn't need that blood to confirm her family, she had chosen it and nurtured it and loved it. Kai was a member of it, as he always had been.
Maybe that was why she was scared of confronting anything. No, not anything— everything . Because everything was there, the air between them impregnated with a tension she couldn't place. Lingering looks narrowly scraping acceptable etiquette for a young lady and young man. It was in-between banter and raving down hallways and late night stargazing on balconies just like this. And that would all end if she loved him.
She would be queen, he would be emperor. They’d live on different worlds and see each other a few times for royal events and to beget an heir. Well, two, one for each country. And then one child would go with one parent and prepare to rule. That was always the deal, maybe with some leniency of the sake of amicable relations and the children. But if she loved him it would make the distance that much harder, that much unbearable. Selene was determined to be the first queen of Luna to care, to seek the betterment of her people beyond frivolity.
She wanted to build a legacy, caring for the national pride of her headstrong people with the guiding hand of her earthen learned morals as would a mother supporting her baby's neck. She couldn’t do that if all she wanted to do was abdicate her throne once her child was capable to rule and crawl away to her husband’s arms on earth.
Channary would’ve already ignored the blanket of rain and expectations and clawed her hands into the man she felt perfectly entitled to. Channary was nothing but acting on instinct and seeking instant gratification. Patience and pining were not Channary. And maybe that’s why they were so Selene.
More than anything, she felt bottled up in herself, the skin that breathed around her rather than the glamour in its bedazzled illegitimacy. It would be Lunar to look at him and make a decision. But to her to be Lunar only meant apathy and failure to try and all she’d done for so long was try. She wouldn’t be Lunar because she would die if he looked at her with the disdain every earthen bore when thinking of her race, her species. She couldn’t be Lunar because she’d lose him and herself.
She was stuck in her head, the insurmountable pressure of everything building up over her sixteen years locking her into her own brain and losing the key in the abyss of high society. It was overwhelming her and the rain wouldn't wash away its wine stain so she moved to run away from this place where she had no defenses or will to honour her resolve.
She stepped back a fraction, but a hand gripped hers and halted all her determination. Kai seemed to have caught the memo and entered the scene with such a tableau, she feared a single breath would put her own kingdom into so intense a blackout it would be too dark to see him in the night.
Burn away your inhibitions. But how did she know it wouldn’t be as superficial as the artificial fire only a room away?
“Hey, you wanna go into the garden?”
Selene was glad he spoken, certain that if the pause had dragged a second longer she might have done something stupid, like kiss him.
She swallowed and forced herself to regard such an expedition (and no quick escape route to be observed) with trepidation, lest she do that exact thing.
“It’s getting late.” Simple, effective, an explanation good enough to disguise the mounting iceberg of reasons underneath.
His gaze was warm and disappointed. “But you love the rain.”
Selene’s grip fell away for a beat. She clicked her tongue, nervousness returning. “Yes, but—we’ve got a busy day tomorrow, don’t wanna be too tired or anything—”
He whispered one word, his tone both caring and scolding.
“Selene.”
She could only blink.
“Come on, I know you’ve already got a whole climbing route planned out.” He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Maybe to him it was. Maybe everything about her was obvious to him.
Selene allowed herself to break character, away from the solemn and forlorn issue that the girl of expectations and pressure was caged in. She would never be able to shred the script and suffocate the embers, but when she chose, she could exit the stage to kindle the blaze.
She grinned past the way the scene should play out and nodded vigorously.
“Race you to the pond.”
She took off immediately, swooping her skirts into manageable sections and looped them into a knot. She then lifted her hem to her knees, all the while latching onto the protruding wall to support her. Selene traversed down with as much agility and speed one could manage in dozens of layers of tulle and heard the faint cries of the breathless Kai.
“Wait, I didn’t mean a rac—Selene, don't run in the rain!”
v.
They were thoroughly drenched by the time they managed to reach the pond, and Kai was grateful this particular section of the path was gravel. If it had been concrete, Selene's rather treacherous jump from the second floor would’ve caused casualties—if not for her physical health, then his heart at seeing her so reckless.
She was acting strange tonight, well, stranger than normal. He wouldn’t deny that Selene hardly fit into the normal society he was accustomed to. She tried hard to prove otherwise, and he saw her increasingly run herself ragged more and more with her own expectations. He got it, the pressure of being responsible for an entire nation of people didn't exactly give a person room for carefree gallivanting.
Still, he’d hoped this night would be an opportunity for her to loosen up, take an evening to enjoy some time without meetings and lessons. She’d been so tense these few weeks, and he’d wanted to just grab her shoulders and force to take a moment for herself for once.
That’s what he’d been aiming for tonight, but he supposed he had made it worse by teasing her during the dance. Selene had hastened away from the limelight, but a lingering blush told him it had to do with more than with the warming beverages. But how could he have not teased her, having her in his arms with her looking so beautiful and imperfect.
Well, it wasn’t really the compliment a guy would usually give the girl he loved, but for Selene it was all the more meaningful. He hadn’t known a Lunar well aside from her, but he knew their glamour was enticingly painful to look at. Selene’s mother had been gorgeous, but this perspective shifted each time he saw her.
Selene herself adorned a glamour regularly as if it was a shell of safety she could crawl into. He recognised from a young age that she didn't wear it to be striking or stunning or attractive (though he was honest to acknowledge that her glamour did elicit a buckling sensation within him), but to hide her reactions. She didn’t want to be seen as weak, or let her face betray anything that could be used as ammunition against her.
Around him she let that defence fall, and he felt privileged. Seeing her imperfections, like the lighter fleck in her normally pristine brown eyes, the area of her brow where it dimpled slightly, or the light marks of former blemishes on her skin were torched into his vision. She looked real. Perhaps not striking, or stunningly gorgeous. But she was real. And to him, she was, as she always had been to him, beautiful.
Selene’s skirt was heavy with the added moisture of the rain, but she looked lighter than before. She had finally, finally released her tense frame and threw her hand ups in the air, reveling in the sensation of water against her skin. He grinned just looking at her so happy. Kai had always liked rain, but never to the extent he did now knowing that every time he saw it, he thought of Selene. The greenery and environment he took for granted was a special occasion for her, coming from the domes on Luna. This wasn’t the first time they had broken away for such fun, but it was the first time in a while he felt Selene had returned to the elasticity she’d had as a child.
She turned to look at him mischievously. “You haven’t taken down those swings right? You know I’d never forgive you.”
He shook his head. “I’m far too scared of you, Leeny.”
She squinted. “I think I should check that they’re still there.”
“You don’t trust me?”
“I think I do too much for my own good.”
They were close now, and she hunched so he had to look sharply down at her. Her hair clung to her cheeks and water dripped off her lashes, but all her features were outshone by the beacon of a smile encompassing her whole face.
He loved Selene—was in love with her. He had acknowledged that a long time ago, or at least it felt like it. It was weird, because they were technically engaged, and his dreams would eventually be fulfilled. She would be his wife, his empress. But under the guise of arranged political marriage it didn’t really give the whole scenario romantic luster.
He wasn't one to make big assumptions (the lie of which he constantly assured himself) but he was pretty certain Selene loved him too. It had to be love he saw in her nervousness and flushed cheeks and eyes lasting a second longer than normal as she looked at him. Kai had decided to test his suspicions tonight, finally allowing himself to look and act around her the way he wished and with what would be appropriate for the situation. How could he not, when she was the image of loveliness, glamour-less for his eyes and confident despite knowing how many accusations were put against her by guests?
It didn’t really matter to him anyway, as to who she looked at and what she did or whether she wore a glamour or not. It was all her anyway, and he didn’t care if fragments were technically artificial. It was her, and he accepted her as who she was as a whole. Besides, a little change to the features wasn’t anything harmful. The manipulation side however...he was sure Selene had never manipulated him, and he trusted her. But while he accepted her as who she was, he wasn’t sure he’d be able overlook it if she ever did manipulate him, or others in a harmful way. But...she wouldn’t do it anyway, because he knew her. That wasn’t her.
He was glad to see she had recovered a bit, walking with a little skip in her step and aweing at how serene the gardens looked lit up by lights under flower beds and water fountains. He could barely make out its burble against the pounding of rain beating down on him. It was woefully nostalgic of their youth, and he hoped it wouldn’t be stolen from them as their responsibilities to separate lives grew and grew. Thinking about it was too grim and depressing, so he let the rain wash away such solemn fulmination with its kind touch.
The rain was nice against the hot temperature. He patted himself on the back mentally when he considered how uncomfortable Selene must have been in layers of fabric, not knowing that the only heat she had felt had been derived from him.
They approached the swings and took the respective ones which they had claimed years ago. The seats were wet but Selene wiped as much of it as possible off with her petticoat. Going through the rudimentary motions of swinging was calming, even therapeutic to Kai. Stick out your legs on the way up, tuck them back on the way down. That was how he tried to get through the hardest of times— to simplify what he could to form a semblance of order in his life. Once he’d done that, the rest should be simple, right?
His anxious thoughts always told him otherwise.
“There’s nothing more grounding than swinging, isn't there?” Selene appeared to have read his mind.
“Grounding? I’m fairly sure this is an activity where you’re everywhere but the ground.”
She rolled her eyes with a chortle. “An astute observation.”
“I thought you needed to know.”
“And that, kai- ah -to, is called patronising.”
They fell into silence again, simply enjoying the rhythmic pattern of ascending and descending. Selene sighed contently, and Kai craned his head to look at her. He’d wanted to kiss her at the ball, but refrained for both their sakes. She wasn’t ready. She was always overthinking things, and he didn’t want their friendship to be a cause of stress for her.
She needed time, and however much longer she needed would suffice for them both. He wouldn’t think about the threats of war or the precarity of their relationship in the grand scheme of its role. That wasn’t Selene’s fault. And for all her idiosyncrasies, now mixed with earthen and Lunar traits, he still believed she was a good person. She may slip up at times, letting the ingrained remnants of Channary show up in occasional carelessness and untoward suggestions. But these were merely flaws, as many as he himself had, and they didn’t shape who she was.
The girl the universe didn’t see for who she truly was: the scared and witty and intelligent girl with dark skin and brown eyes that flickered with mirth for those who chose to see it.
He loved Selene—was in love with her, and he was willing to wait.
vi.
Selene’s fingertips had wrinkled up against the metal bars, and the rain was getting tiring.
“Are you ready to head back? I could do with some tea,” she said.
“Can I be sure you’re not going to try to steal it?”
She looked up as if to ponder it. She would admit that she did severely miss Commonwealth tea when back on Luna, glad for the times she managed to smuggle it home so she didn’t have to suffer through their subpar leaf beverages.
“Come on,” she timed her swings to discern when she would next move forward. “Let’s jump in three.”
“Wow, you didn’t even deny—”
“Three!”
Selene vaulted from the seat at the peak of its height, dropping to the ground and managing to stay upright even with a totter sideways. Kai didn’t expect her abrupt departure and jumped off his swing a moment later, but without timing it he awkwardly jerked and landed on a poor angle. Conveniently for him, the angle caused him to collapse into Selene, who fell over from his weight and dragged them to the grass. He hovered over her, laughing and sweeping dirt from where his stunt had imprinted it onto her face.
“Sorry.”
She laughed wholeheartedly. “What am I going to do with you?”
“Find it in your heart to forgive me?” he suggested and clasped a hand to his breast.
She dug her arms into the blades to sit up. “I don't think that’s possible.”
“Then what will you be able to do?” It was an almost smirk, and her heart crinkled with how his words were so ardently focused on only her.
Love you.
Denial could be sweet. Denial could be depressing. Denial could be unfair. It could be all those things when someone let it go. Selene lifted the veil of denial around her heart and let her body tremor with the blatant awareness of why she felt her veins puncture at the sight of the boy in front of her.
It would be Lunar to act on instinct, like her mother to discard precaution. But it was also both of those things to embrace your emotions, and let them feed into how you wanted to be, for yourself, and for others. Maybe Selene was more like her mother than she thought. Maybe she was really Lunar.
Maybe Jacin hadn’t been too far off.
She wouldn’t yet burn away her inhibitions, but she certainly felt their loose threads catch alight.