Someone's Someone

by Apsincandescence

Summary:

‘I called all of you here to tell you that…’ his heart was beating at an alarming rate and he couldn’t bring himself up to look anyone in the eye as he said the next few words loud and clear.

‘I want to quit BTS.'

Notes:

Hello everyone!!! I'm extremely apologetic for not posting properly for so long. I did post a one-shot a few days back but apart from that, I hadn't written much new stuff or posted anything new. I had my entrances exams for the last few months and I was busy for its preparation. But I had been working on this idea for a long time, not as fast as I would like though. So, I usually don't post WIP or multi-chaptered fics anymore. But, I feel I need some motivation to continue writing.
Hope this pans out well and you enjoy reading this story as much as I have burnt in hell writing it.
Enjoy!

Edit- Made slight edit with chapter names and details. This story will follow the timeline in which the pandemic doesn't exist and BTS proceeded with how their schedules were supposed to for 2020 tours and everything. The plot and technicalities were decided before covid, so any changes in rules, policies, schedules and dates might not be present here.

Chapter 1: Prologue pt.1

It’s strange how things work out or don’t. How we think we know something and then one day we find out that we didn’t know even an iota about it. So is the case with friendships and relationships. We think or rather we feel a relationship or friendship would last forever, but we never anticipate how it will go a year down the lane or even a month. We crave things to be constant, to be stable but the truth is change is the only constant. And changes in a relationship, in people, in their bond, is inevitable; no matter how impossible they might have seemed to be.

Taehyung found himself right in the middle of one such change in life. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t been stuck in this phase for a few months now. He had been in a place where he could feel the energy and life draining out of him gradually but substantially. The things he used to enjoy, he still enjoyed them, just not how he used to. He was grateful for everything he had achieved in his life, becoming an idol, getting fame and success and achieving the status of an artist. All of it, he wouldn’t swap for anything, ideally. But his hands had been forced by his heart which refused to take the pain and agony anymore. So one day, he decided he needed to do something about it. And that is how he found himself sitting on the couch in the living room of the BTS dorm as the members gathered up, for a meeting he had requested for.

He could feel his heart thumping wildly in his chest and his palms sweating up. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, holding his hands together in a tight grip to regain a semblance of calmness. He could hear the members talking but it only felt like distant noise to him. He could feel someone settling in beside him and could automatically tell who it was by the way they plopped down. He had years to familiarise himself with each and every moment of his members, especially his friend. Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes, meeting those of the second oldest of the group. The raven-head looked at him without many emotions on full display, but he knew the oldest was there for him just with the small nod of the older’s head.

‘Everyone here! Good! So what was it you wanted to talk to us about Taehyung-ah?’ the voice of Namjoon boomed in the hall. Taehyung looked up at the small smile gracing his hyung’s face and felt his heart drop. Though he knew he owed it to himself to be brave for once and so he stood up, going to the middle of the room where everyone’s gaze fell on him. Namjoon sat down beside Hoseok at the end of the couch and looked at him somewhat encouragingly.

‘I called all of you here to tell you that…’ his heart was beating at an alarming rate and he couldn’t bring himself up to look anyone in the eye as he said the next few words loud and clear, ‘I want to quit BTS. I want to, leave the group.’

Silence. Absolute silence took over the room as everyone felt different emotions hitting them all at once. The six pair of eyes landed on him, filled with different emotions swimming in them. Taehyung’s eyes drifted to Yoongi who gave him an affirmative eye blink and a neutral expression. The younger felt he could explode at any moment. He had been holding things to himself for so long and now with the cat out of the bag, he didn’t feel much better still. He swallowed the lump in his throat but somehow it became bigger. He tried scanning the other four’s faces, avoiding the one he knew he should.

‘You almost had us Taehyungie! What the fuck? Where is the camera? Are you pulling a prank on us?’ Hoseok shouted out in shock but a small smile playing on his face, standing up to wrap his arms around Taehyung as he looked around the room for the non-existent camera.

Taehyung closed his eyes, feeling the hands of the older around him. The embrace that had always comforted him without fail didn’t do much more than worsen his guilt about making the decision. The thing is, he couldn’t have ever imagined leaving the group, his profession, his life and most importantly, leaving his members. But many things had changed over the past few months, and he knew he had to if he wanted to be able to breathe again. So it was natural that he felt guilty, selfish and bad for making this decision. He knew people would be hurt, so many people because of his selfishness because he wanted to leave. But he had had enough and he knew if he didn’t, he would break.

‘You scared me for a moment Taehyungie! Oh god!’ Namjoon sighed in relief, opting to believe it was a prank like Hoseok had.

Taehyung guessed it was easier to believe he was pulling a prank than to believe he would ever utter those words. It was no secret that Taehyung was admittedly the most OT7 person in the whole world. He loved the members too much and has said so over and over again on and off-camera. He chuckled internally, remembering how he said he missed the members even when they were apart for ten seconds and the face Namjoon had made; not quite ready to digest it even after years of being together. So yes, it was not their fault if they thought he was playing a prank; something he was notoriously known for.

‘He’s not joking.’ came a soft voice from the person Taehyung had been actively avoiding any eye contact at all.

‘What do you mean he’s not? C’mon Jiminie, even you are falling for it.’ Namjoon said nonchalantly, sinking further in the couch.

Taehyung finally opened his eyes, as he felt the grip of Hoseok loosen around him. He took a chance to look at everyone’s faces. Yoongi was essentially blank, though a hint of worry underlined his expression. Jimin was looking at his lap, playing with his fingers. Jungkook looked shocked and as if he didn’t understand what was going on. Taehyung held back a sob, feeling worse seeing as the maknae was so adorable even being confused with stuff. He knew Jungkook must be thinking about so many things at the moment and he felt bad for thinking about how his decision would impact him. Jin’s expression was unreadable and Taehyung didn’t know whether to find that comforting or scary. The thing with Jin was, he was very childlike outside and didn’t take much to heart, but he was a person of great gravity if one tried to understand him.

‘Why?’ Jin asked in a deeper tone and Taehyung felt himself and Hoseok shiver at the voice. Jin was never so serious, except the rare times that he was.

‘You can’t seriously be entertaining the idea that he is serious, hyung!?’ Namjoon commented but Taehyung could see him stiffen.

‘Namjoon. Don’t.’ and with that, any traces of amusement of Namjoon’s face withered away as he sat straight. Namjoon was the leader and it would be obvious that he would lead the discussions when they were talking about group business. But Taehyung quitting, it felt wrong to call it just a group affair. It was more intimate than that, they were more intimate than that.

‘I’m asking you a question Kim Taehyung and you better answer it.’ His voice was deep and serious. Taehyung felt Hoseok pulling away completely and he sighed.

‘I can’t do this anymore hyung. I can’t live like this.’ he croaked out, barely managing to keep the tears at bay. He could feel everyone frowning at his reason. And it was legit.

His answer had been short and vague as hell so it was obvious they all were confused. They often talked about how taxing the lifestyle was and how difficult it became at moments but they loved it still. So just saying that he couldn’t do it or didn’t want to, confused them. Also for people you had been sharing every living and breathing moments with for years, it was not justified to give such a vague answer, and Taehyung knew that. He could feel the fire crawl in his body and he desperately wanted to let it all out, just why he was doing it. The whole struggle he had been facing and how things have been driving him up against a wall. But he decided to keep his mouth shut in favour of not letting things get too out of hand or ugly. Though that was somewhat inevitable in all honesty.

‘You got to give me more than that Taehyung-ah! You need to give us more than that you are tired and don’t feel like it anymore. Do you think everyone here is having it easy? Is everyone having a fun time? No, we all are struggling too, with work, with family, with everything. And you have the guts to stand here and tell us you want to quit because you can’t do this anymore. Like fuck, do you realise what you are even talking about?’ Jin yelled and everyone held their breath. It was rare the oldest got this angry and it was freaking Taehyung out more than he thought he could handle.

‘Hyung!’ Yoongi said in a cold tone, trying to make the oldest calm down but also trying to convey that things were more serious than they seemed at the moment.

‘Don’t Min Yoongi! Don’t you dare to interrupt me!’ Jin shit back.

‘This kid here calls us all for a meeting to tell us he wants to quit. After a successful tour, when everything is going okay after a very long time. After so much effort we are putting for our fans so that our future responsibilities don’t hamper our future as a group. And he is saying that he wants to quit. After all of this fucking shit, he is saying that.’ Jin shouted and one could feel the undertones of him getting sentimental and distraught creep in his voice as it cracked in the last. And every one of them knows Jin is more distraught than angry. The oldest loves the second youngest to bones.

‘Taehyung, why the fuck are you…’ the words die on the lips of Namjoon as he tries to make sense of the whole situation, his mind going blank.

‘You are such an asshole Kim Taehyung!’ came a deadly calm voice and Taehyung felt himself crying internally. Jimin only called him an asshole, but he was feeling like one.

Suddenly all of it was overwhelming him too much. He could feel a breakdown nearing and tried to take deeper breaths. Everyone looked so disappointed in him, and they should be. He was going to ruin their career, he was going to ruin everything. And for what, his own selfish reasons. Because he couldn’t suck it up and keep his heart in check. Because he couldn’t help the breakdowns happening to him. Because he couldn’t control his damn emotions and go on doing his job as has been and should be. He felt far much worse than an asshole.

‘Can you all just shut up and go fuck yourself, than traumatising him and blaming him?’ Suddenly Yoongi yelled making everyone go still. He got up from the chair he had been lounging on and dragged Taehyung away to his room, muttering ‘fuckers’ under his breath.

Everyone was shocked, looking as the two members left the room. It was not often they saw Yoongi being so aggressive when it came to resolving stuff. He always was invested but never did he walk away like this. The rest five looked at each other, still seeped in confusion, anger and turmoil over the conversation; if one could call it that.

‘What the fuck just happened?’ Hoseok said and everyone’s sentiment relayed through the sentence. Though the answer to it was elusive at the moment.

Chapter 2: Prologue pt.2

Summary:

A brief look into the past.

Notes:

Hello everyone! The support for this story has been overwhelming for me. So, here is a new chapter for you all.
This chapter builds the foundation of why Yoongi is so protective of Taehyung and gives way to Taehyung's journey which has led him here. The next chapter is set even before then this chapter and will give the answers as to what really has happened.
I hope this doesn't get too confusing.
Enjoy!

‘I am sorry hyung!’ Taehyung croaked out as the older sat him down on his bed. Yoongi was not a person who took rash decisions(most of the time), but the moment he saw the younger’s lips start shaking, he knew he had to get his dongsaeng out the eyes of their members.

Yoongi gently kneeled in front of the younger and held his hands, as the tears flowed out his eyes and his body shook with tremors. The older had gotten used to being there for the younger in these times, at least as much used to as one can. Yoongi’s heart broke as he saw the younger’s handsome face all red and tears leaking from his eyes. Yoongi had seen it firsthand how the wide-eyed all smiles boy broke down, piece by piece. He had tried to be there for the younger as much as he could, but when it’s the life itself that is chipping away, there is not much even Yoongi could do.

As the younger’s sobs turned into little hiccups, tears flow not as fast, Yoongi pushed the hair fanning the younger’s face back, trying to soothe him with calm touch. Inside, he was furious, but he knew Taehyung needed the warmth, not the fire. He had been trying to convince Taehyung for a good few weeks now, to do what he did that day. But he did not expect the reaction that had been bestowed upon Taehyung. He had thought Taehyung’s worries were just that, worries. But he knew the younger was much more attuned to others behaviour than he was. And he knew they had been working non-stop for the last few months, trying to make more contents and just overall busy. But he didn’t expect the shit show it had been. They were finally on a short break before announcing some important news and he thought it should have gone much better.

‘Taehyung-ah, gwenchana?’ he asked softly, gently caressing at the younger’s cheeks. The younger just nodded and Yoongi gave him a small smile.

He imagined in his head about how he was going to give each one of them a piece of his mind. He was furious with how they had treated Taehyung earlier and how they have been treating him for some time now. Especially the one person who should’ve been by Taehyung but had inflicted the most harm and was the cruellest to the younger. The one person who could’ve made things rights but was so much in his head to realise how he had been chipping away at Taehyung and everything the younger was made of. And Yoongi would have been oblivious himself, if not for that fateful night.

Yoongi had been going around his usual way. He had been cooped up in his studio for almost a day, working on some lyrics. It was around 3 that he had come out, knowing only a handful of people would be around. He was planning to go home and finally get some good rest as their comeback was approaching fast. He had been walking towards the elevator when he noticed lights on in their practise room. He frowned before sighing and dragging his feet towards the room, irritated about someone leaving them on and forgetting. As he got closer, he could hear faint music from the room and suddenly he became alert. Someone was practising and he wondered who. His guess was Jimin, or Jungkook, or both of them.

Taking the liberty to enter without knocking, he was met with a sight he couldn’t have imagined. There stood Kim Taehyung, in some joggers and t-shirt, dancing to their songs choreography. Taehyung was drenched in sweat, moving sharply with his eyes having such an intense look, it shook Yoongi. He couldn’t understand why Taehyung would be here at 3. Not that the younger wasn’t any less passionate about dancing or their work, it wasn’t usual to find him in the studio at 3 am. Yoongi subtly looked from the corner, noticing how the younger danced, every move being owned by him. Though the more Yoongi looked at Taehyung, the more aware he became of how the younger had lost weight significantly. His waist looked smaller, and his face was so sharp. Yoongi couldn’t decide if that was just the comeback or something else.

And then his mind snapped. He looked around as he felt hot, looking toward the central cooling system. It was off. The room was almost burning. And Taehyung was sweating heaps, like too much, what with wearing full-sleeved clothes. He frowned as his brain started putting pieces together. Taehyung shouldn’t be sweating this much, especially with no AC or cooling system on. The younger really shouldn’t be, especially with cholinergic urticaria which could flare up at any moment if he kept going like this. And then it struck him, Taehyung was not here to practise, rather it was for some twisted reason that he was pushing himself for.

Suddenly he scrambled towards the switches, blasting the cool air on its maximum settings. Picking up a water bottle he walked towards the younger who finally snapped out of whatever moment he was in.

‘Hyung?’ the younger asked as Yoongi threw him the bottle and a hand-towel.

‘It’s late. Let’s go home.’ Yoongi’s tone was clipped and cold, no room for any argument. The younger nodded and silently collected his stuff before they left.

The ride home was silent. Both of them seemed to be stuck in their own world. Upon reaching home, they bid farewell with small smiles, but Yoongi could see something wasn’t right. He could feel it in his bones that something was wrong with the younger, he knew it in his heart and he didn’t know what to do.

Yoongi didn’t have to wait long for the confirmation that something was up with Taehyung. As he started paying more attention to the younger, the more he could see that something was not sitting right. Taehyung was his usual cheery, goofy self around everyone. And then Yoongi would catch him alone sometimes, looking like a shadow of the Taehyung everyone knew. He’d look lost and spaced out, and Yoongi could guess that there was too much on younger’s mind that he wasn’t being vocal about. It wasn’t new to them, Taehyung spacing out, but what was new for Yoongi was, he could see how the younger’s eyes would dim or get glazed as if something was eating him up. Yoongi wasn’t one to interfere where it wasn’t his business. But he loved Taehyung, no matter what anyone else thought about their relationship or interpreted it as.

After a few weeks of going round and round, he had confronted Taehyung. He slipped in the younger’s room after dinner and sat him down for a talk.
‘Taehyung-ah!’
‘Neh, hyung?’ the younger asked his smile present but never quite reaching his eyes.
‘I know I might seem unapproachable at times but you know that you can come to me if something’s wrong? You know that, right?’ Yoongi asked, flashing a small cautious smile. He curiously looked at the rapid changes in Taehyung’s expression before the younger smiled back. Yoongi didn’t miss the hesitation, the sadness and pain that had surfaced for a brief moment.
‘I know Yoongi hyung. You are a grumpy grandpa from outside but inside, it’s all mush!’ Taehyung exclaimed, smirking and Yoongi instantly protested with a ‘Yah!’. The conversation took a playful turn and for the time being, Yoongi felt happy knowing that he could make the younger smile and somewhat happy, even for a few moments. The rest would have to be handled as it came.

Yoongi had thought or rather hoped that things would turn out better soon and whatever that was troubling Taehyung went away soon. But he couldn’t even describe how big of a fallacy that was. Because, as he soon discovered, things weren’t getting better. In fact, one would say they were taking turn for worse, and Yoongi would agree to that the moment Kim Taehyung walked in his studio at their company building. It would remain a mystery to Yoongi how Taehyung even knew his password when he clearly hadn’t told a single soul of it, but here the younger was.

Yoongi turned his seat around fully to take in the younger’s appearance. His hair was dishevelled, his face red and clothes askew. Yoongi raised one eyebrow at the other, wondering what was going on as the other closed the studio door and locked it before turning around.

‘Can I stay here for a while, hyung?’

Taehyung’s voice was small and broke up slightly. Yoongi’s expression changed to one of confusion to understanding and he just nodded his head before turning around to look at the music sheets and arrangement on his computer. He heard Taehyung plopping down on the couch and lying on it. Though Yoongi was extremely curious as to what had happened to Taehyung for him to turn up like that in his studio, he stopped himself from looking back or asking questions.

After two hours or so, when Yoongi did look back up at the younger, he found the latter sleeping soundly, hugging Yoongi’s pillow to his chest. A small smile formed on his lips but he was worried. He wanted to help Taehyung, but he didn’t even know how or what was the problem, to begin with. All he knew and could see was that Taehyung was not okay and that hurt him a lot for someone claiming to be immune to most things.

The thing became a pattern over the next few days. Taehyung would turn up in his studio and use his couch to sleep for a while before slinking away with a fake smile or Yoongi would leave for a break and coming back, would find his studio empty. Yoongi also noticed how reserved Taehyung had become over time. Whether that was some interview or shoot or even at home. He would put up a mask more often than not and Yoongi was itching to find out what exactly was happening. But he didn’t want to intrude or disturb the balance they had. He could see that Taehyung was relying on him, even though in what sense, he wouldn’t know. He just didn’t wanna push away the younger such that the latter didn’t have anyone to turn to. Yoongi wanted Taehyung to come to Yoongi on his own in his own time.

The situations changed quickly for them though. Having concerts, recording for comeback promotion and stuff, the usual life took over. And while juggling between things, Yoongi could swear he was seeing less and less of the Taehyung he knew. Taehyung was a good actor, there was no doubt about it. He acted as if everything was fine, did some of his best performances, but Yoongi could see him. Whenever they were performing, Yoongi could see the shift in Taehyung's expressions. His eyes held so many emotions that Yoongi feared the younger would burst out any day now. His worries for Taehyung had grown covertly and he couldn't pinpoint what it was or how he could help. He had decided to let the younger come to him on his own terms. But things didn’t hit Yoongi as intensely, before he found Taehyung crouched in the corner of his studio, beside the crouch, sobbing with his knees tucked to his chest and face between it. Yoongi immediately locked the door and went to Taehyung, his mind not working properly on how how to even handle his worst nightmare being played out alive.

‘Taehyung-ah!’ he muttered softly, gently keeping his hand on the younger’s hair. Taehyung only broke in louder sobs. Yoongi would be lying if he said the sight in front of him didn’t break him.

‘Taehyung? What happened?’ he shuffled closer and Taehyung flung himself on Yoongi, hugging him like a little kid. Yoongi was momentarily shocked before relaxing and embracing the younger gently.

‘Hyung…’ Taehyung sobbed and if it wasn’t the most distraught Yoongi had ever seen Taehyung.

‘Gwenchana Taehyung-ah. Tell hyung everything.’ He said being as gentle as he could.

‘Hyung am I not good enough? Am I not good enough to be loved? Hyung, why am I not?’ Taehyung muttered in between his sobs and Yoongi’s hold immediately tightened.

Whoever dared to make his dongsaeng think like that.

‘Taehyung-ah? What happened? Why would you say such stuff? You know we all love you so much, right? The ARMYS love you so much. Why would you feel like that isn’t the case?’ Yoongi asked trying his best to stay calm and composed. He was as cold as ice, ignoring people and their comments on him. But when it came to the people he loved, he could be like a blazing fire, ready to burn everyone down to ashes.

It took a few moments for Taehyung to calm down enough to talk coherently. Yoongi had pulled him up to the couch and was holding him in a blanket he kept in the studio, hoping it could make the younger feel somewhat safer. They stayed like that for a while before Yoongi approached the question again.

‘Taehyung, what has been going on? You have been, suffering. I don’t know why or what happened but I can see that you have. Would you like to share it with hyung?’ he asked softly in a calm tone, hoping against all odds that Taehyung could trust him enough to let him know. For a moment, Taehyung was still and Yoongi felt his hope slipping away, but then Taehyung nodded slowly and the older internally sighed in relief.

‘I made a mistake hyung. A very big mistake.’ Taehyung said bluntly without any emotion. For anyone, it’d be difficult to understand how one can be like that when they were bawling their eyes out a few moments back. But Yoongi knew Taehyung well enough to know that the younger was only trying not to feel anything lest he broke down in tears again. And Yoongi couldn’t help but admire his self-control and restraint.

‘Tae…’

‘I know I shouldn’t have. It’s all my fault and now, I feel like I’ll lose it all. It’s like I’ve lost who I am or what I was. I don’t know hyung. Why am I so stupid? Why did I even… Oh god!’ Taehyung groaned burying his head in the blanket while Yoongi looked at the younger in confusion. Yoongi didn’t have any idea what Taehyung was talking about. Was it a performance, or did he get in some trouble? Thousands of possibilities were running amok in his head.

‘What did you do? Taehyung, did you get in some sort of trouble?’ he asked in his absolute gentle voice, just above a whisper. It was more to himself but as Taehyung body went rigid, he knew the younger had heard him.

‘I fell in love hyung. I fell in love.’ Taehyung said, his voice forlorn with a hint of bitterness just around.

‘With whom?’

‘Jiminie. Who else could it be…’

Yoongi felt the air leave his lungs before he could even comprehend what the younger had said. And as soon as he did, a million questions burst through his mind. When, how, why, what… He couldn’t wrap his head around the sort of confession Taehyung had made but somehow it still felt okay because he didn’t know, it was Taehyung and Jimin. They were the same age, glued to each other since he could remember, bickering to no end, yet always coming back together as if they couldn’t live apart. He had himself seen their chemistry enough, not to mention the fanmade videos that somehow keep popping on his youtube suggestions lists. It was Taehyung and Jimin. That’s how it has been. But then why would there be any problem at all. Keeping the whole media stuff and the homophobic society aside, he didn’t see why it should be any problem. Did they talk to the agency? He was sure it’d be a little difficult but everyone adored the two 95 liners and who could resist them, especially together. Then what the fuck was going on. Yoongi couldn’t wrap his head around the mental image of how things should be and the real image in front of him. What actually happened? And then Taehyung poured his heart out to the one, people wouldn’t guess he would.

Notes:

Hope you liked this chapter! Let me know how you felt, what do you think is gonna happen next. Also, suggest me what you'd like to see. I'll try and see if it could be incorporated in future, or some wild guesses. Anything really, all of it is welcome. So yeah, leave some kudos and comments. It'd mean a lot and encourage me to do better and post sooner.
Lots of love!

Chapter 3: Chapter 1

Summary:

The beginning of the end, as Tae likes to call it...

Notes:

Hello loves! I'm surprised by the response to this story. I can't tell how glad and lucky I feel.
Here's another chapter, set further in past to the point where the actual stuff started. I'm sure I've teased enough about whys. This chapter gives you the why and how, set mainly from Taehyung's pov.
I am sincerely hoping this time jumps don't confuse you. I usually write stories in one-shot type so if you want, read this as a full work so you can see the continuity. I'll post this request on the first chapter after the story is finished.
Enjoy!

The start of the end, that’s what Taehyung likes to call it, was sometime during their speak yourself stadium tour. Taehyung knew he should have anticipated something the moment Jimin’s message popped up on his screen, asking him to come to the latter’s room. Though he was sure he couldn’t have anticipated what happened even if he tried his best. No one could really. Maybe Jimin himself only, but even that was a faraway possibility.

They had just finished one of their last concerts in America and while it was an achievement in itself, they were all equally drained. Taehyung quickly took a shower after replying affirmatively to Jimin and headed towards the older’s room. Taehyung had always been fond of Jimin and thus, equally weak for him. Throughout their years of history, it didn’t matter what happened, how much they fought or got on each other’s nerves or anything. Taehyung was a weak man when it came to Jimin. Many liked to think that he was the eccentric one while Jimin was the goner, bending to Taehyung’s wishes. While Jimin would do anything for Taehyung, it was the latter that was quite devoted to the former. They had their ups and downs, had their fair share of time away and everything in between, but Taehyung was hook-line-sinker for whatever Jimin wished from him.

Taehyung dared not delve on the whys and hows of it. He knew he was weak when it came to Jimin. When it was Jimin, the reasons and logic could very well go out the window. He loved the older and that was it. He desperately tried not to let himself go down that rabbit hole to figure out the specificities or details, always holding himself back on different degrees, being aloof and trying to be blissfully unaware, as much as he could afford to. Because going down that road could and would lead him to trouble. It frightened him so much and thus, he suppressed all of it, his emotions, his thoughts and all their extent, never letting it out in open. He was afraid to open the pandora box named Jimin that had snuck in his heart. And he’d discover how wise he had been till everything imploded.

‘Jimin-ah!’ Taehyung called out knocking at the door.

The door swung open on its own and Taehyung frowned. He made his way inside, closing the door behind him. Soon his eyes fell on the figure of his best friend lying on the bed with his arms and leg widespread, a bottle of beer held in one of the hands dangling from the side of the bed. Taehyung frowned. He knew coming down from the high was tough and everyone had their own ways to go about it, and alcohol was one of the ways Jimin dealt with it, he still didn’t think nicely of it.

‘Jimin!?’ Taehyung called out and suddenly Jimin’s face turned towards him. Taehyung could see the redness of the older cheeks and eyes. Frowning, he made his way towards the other, sitting down at the edge of the bed as the other sat up.

‘You’re here.’ Jimin croaked and it didn’t take anything else for Taehyung to engulf the older in a hug. He didn’t know what it was but his gut instinct told him enough; Jimin needed to be comforted.

‘What happened Jiminie? Why are you crying?’ Taehyung asked, taking the bottle away from Jimin and setting it down on the floor behind him.

‘Charlie broke up with me.’ with that Jimin pushed himself closer, making his body smaller so it could be engulfed by Taehyung’s broader frame.

Charlie Kim, one of the famous fashion designers in the Asia Pacific, Jimin’s on and off boyfriend and the bane of Taehyung’s existence for almost a year now. It had been a year and a half since Charlie had come to Korea to attend one of their shows. Jimin had immediately been drawn to him and after working on a project together while shooting for one of BTS’s magazine cover photoshoots, Jimin and Charlie had hooked up and got into a relationship. It had been an on and off relationship since then according to Taehyung, who couldn’t understand how things worked between the other two. Charlie lived in Australia and travelled between Korea, Japan and Australia for business, while Jimin alongside BTS lived in Korea and was touring around the world for the majority of a year.

Things were rocky since the start between Jimin and Charlie with blurred lines on the exclusiveness of their relationship and the long distance. They would be together for a month before breaking it off due to different reasons and then get back together again when they met, with the whole cycle continuing over again. From what Taehyung knew, they had been dating ‘exclusively’ since the last time Charlie visited Korea around three months back. This was the longest they had been together and Jimin had been so excited and head over heels for Charlie. Taehyung had hoped this time it was going to last. Not because he thought it was any good for his friend, but because he could see that Jimin had fallen truly this time and was much more serious about it. Taehyung had expected that the same could be true on Charlie’s end but looked like that wasn’t the case.

‘He left me a message asking me to call him after the show and then I was so excited. I called him after taking a shower, but then he didn’t answer and when he did he sounded all weird. I asked him what was wrong and then he went on about how he loved me but things weren’t just working out and he was drinking with someone and oh shit! I feel so terrible. I think he was with Lani and you know how it goes from there.’ Jimin mumbled, a few tears making their way down his cheeks and disappearing on Taehyung’s shirt.

‘Why am I such a loser Taehyung-ah? What do I not have that he always goes back to her? Why? Am I not good enough? I love him so much Tae, is it not enough?’ Jimin broke down, burying his face further in Taehyung’s chest and the latter could feel it tightening. He couldn’t breathe; he was so mad. Mad at everything and everyone, especially Charlie Kim for being an indecisive asshole who kept hurting Jimin over and over.

Taehyung kept his mouth shut and just held Jimin a tad bit tighter, his protective instinct taking over. He didn’t want to badmouth Charlie because he knew Jimin truly cared for him. He didn’t want to reprimand Jimin for making stupid choices and always going back to that asshole even when everyone has advised Jimin to not to. He didn’t want to make the older feel even worse or that all this was his fault.

If Taehyung was being honest, he was angry at Jimin, for several reasons. Taehyung had never been excited about the older’s relationship, due to different reasons but still. He didn’t understand if what Jimin and Charlie had was anything more than a fling and a bad habit that both of them were not able to let go. He had expressed his view to Jimin on more than one occasion, some of which had escalated in truly nasty fights; but nothing too much for them. Taehyung had almost literally begged Jimin to break it off for good because the heartbreaks were getting deeper and Jimin was bound to be hurt. While he was at it, he would also accept that there was a sense of pain whenever the other two got together and Taehyung didn’t want it to get out of his hands. And so, for all the right reasons, and some not so right ones, he had advised Jimin to not date Charlie Kim. But he didn’t have the heart to say ‘I told you so’ when Jimin was crying sitting on his lap; Taehyung wasn’t that cruel.

So he decided to shut his mouth up and just hold Jimin till the other calmed down enough. Maybe he should have stormed out, blamed Jimin for being stupid or had a fight. Maybe then he’d have been safe. But Taehyung wasn’t that intelligent either. So he didn’t stop Jimin from drinking another two beers or so and getting drunk, or himself from getting tipsy. Because he was tired, hurt and confused as to why and what the fuck was going on.

Maybe it was the beer, maybe it was the confusion, or maybe it was his inner vices clouding his judgement, that he let Jimin crawl in his lap, and kiss him while straddling him. He didn’t stop his hands from gripping Jimin’s hips tightly or the older’s hand snaking around his neck as the kiss deepened. He didn’t stop himself from lying and rolling over, pinning Jimin down, exploring the older’s mouth that tasted of alcohol, strawberry chapstick and something totally Jimin.

But all good things come to an end, and so did this moment as soon as Jimin’s moan registered in his mind. He froze, letting Jimin continue for a second before slowly pulling off. He didn’t let go of his hold on Jimin’s waist; couldn’t. And maybe that was for the better because Jimin whined before tears welled up in his eyes. Taehyung was panicking internally, but outside, he schooled his expression to show a sweet smile.

‘Jimin-ah, let’s sleep, ok?’ he asked gently, squatting down to come level to level with Jimin’s face who had sat up.

‘Am I really so bad that even you don’t want me Taehyungie?’ the older’s words were slurred and Taehyung sighed internally.

‘Aniya Min! It was perfect! But we have to leave early tomorrow and for that, we need to rest, don’t we? So let’s sleep, ok.’ Taehyung said in a placating tone and when Jimin nodded, he sighed in relief.

He got Jimin under the blanket and got in himself, knowing Jimin tended to get clingy when he was drunk. And the last thing he wanted to deal with was a fight breaking out or Jimin getting angry while inebriated. That’d lead to alarming other people and Taehyung knew things would turn ugly real soon if that happened. So he held Jimin till the older fell asleep. He tried to fall asleep but knew that was a futile mission. So he just laid there, letting Jimin cuddle the younger for the moment. Because when Jimin woke up the next day with a raging hangover, he would be all alone.

Notes:

A bit shorter chapter. But, bear with me. Will try to post soon. No promises though as I have my brother's wedding the next week. But, I'll try.
Feel free to reach out on twt or drop a review and maybe some kudos ;)
Lots of love!

Chapter 4: Chapter 2

Summary:

Jimin makes it tough for Tae.

Notes:

Hello everyone! Wow, it's been quite some days since the last update. I apologise. I was busy with stuff. But, here it is, a brand new chapter for you all. It's longer than the others so I hope you guys appreciate that.
Also, there is mild smut kinda something at the end of the chapter. I am comparatively new and inexperienced in writing smut so if it feels off or not very well written, forgive me. I'll keep trying to improve my craft.
Hope you enjoy this chapter!

The next few days, Taehyung tried to be a little distant from Jimin without making it obvious that he was trying to do so. He had taken to sticking to Hoseok when they were all together, otherwise, he’d excuse himself. He had also taken to writing more often, trying to pen down his feelings and converting them to songs. Though all of this couldn’t make him forget the night for more than a few hours, it was enough for him to hold the strands of his sanity together. He tried not to be too into himself though, try not to tip anyone off that something was wrong. Because what would he even say if someone asked him what was happening. Surely he couldn’t say that his best friend had kissed him after getting through a breakup and being drunk. He couldn’t mention that the vestiges of feelings he had been hiding for so long had finally re-surfaced. He possibly couldn’t say that it felt good kissing Jimin, but he had felt used too. He didn’t think he could mention any of it.

And so the thing continued for a while. Things were getting more bearable for Taehyung. He had been talking with their company’s management about wishing to release a mix-tape and he could see it solidifying. It was going to be a long shot but he could see something happening down the line. They were soon back in Korea for a few days break before they resumed with the concert in South America with things finally wrapping after the Japan concerts. After they came back to Korea, all of them were feeling tired and exhausted. Thus, with talks with the company, the group decided to go for a short break. With all of them set to leave the dorms the next day, the seven men decided to have a movie night with all of them together.

They had ordered some of their favourites things along with the dishes prepared by Seokjin and Yoongi. Jimin and Jungkook had taken the responsibility of buying liquor, while Taehyung, Hoseok and Namjoon took care of cleaning up stuff and preparing everything. They had a hearty time with dinner, conversing about their tour, imitating each other and joking around. Though it was after they had switched the camera off that things started to go wild. The ones who said they were going to get drunk, did get drunk. But it was especially hilarious how Hoseok fell for Jimin and Jin’s tricks and ended up getting pissed too.

They sat down in the living room with their choice of liquor, bowls of popcorn and a selection of snacks on the table. While Namjoon and Yoongi sat to the side, Jin, Jimin and Jungkook were sprawled on each other. Taehyung sat on one of the corners, leaning on Hoseok’s shoulder. They were talking about stuff and with the antics of members sat in between, the movie played forgotten. Soon, when Hoseok got up to head to the bathroom, everyone sobered up a little. Yoongi went to check on the younger ones while Namjoon hauled Jin and Jungkook up to send them to bed. That left Jimin clinging to Taehyung’s side.

Despite his tipsy state, Taehyung could feel everything too vividly. His heart was beating erratically with how Jimin nuzzled in his shoulder and hugged the younger. Taehyung grew stiff for a moment before reminding himself that he probably shouldn’t. He turned towards the older and caught himself staring at Jimin. There was no doubt that Jimin was something ethereal. At times, when Taehyung caught Jimin performing, he couldn’t believe how someone could be so fluid and in tune with their body and the music. But then, there would be times when Taehyung saw Jimin bare-faced and raw, and he still couldn’t believe how someone like Jimin could be real.

Taehyung wrapped his hands around Jimin’s waist and pulled him up with him on their feet. Jimin tumbled a little and Taehyung tried to steady the older. Jimin only giggled.

‘Come on Min-ah! Let’s get you to bed.’ Taehyung said as he supported Jimin’s weight and pulled him towards the rooms.

‘Whose bed Taehyungie?’ Jimin slurred and giggled again. Taehyung looked at him astonishingly before pulling Jimin a little harder, jaws clenching. Jimin was trying to test his patience. Even drunk, Jimin was being his usual self, teasing the younger.

As they stepped inside the room shared by Jimin and Hoseok, they were greeted by Yoongi bent over Hoseok, tucking him in. Hoseok groaned as he rolled over and Yoongi sighed before meeting the other two’s gazes.

‘Take him to my room Taehyungie. Hobi is not feeling good so I thought it’d be better if I stayed and looked over him. Jimin is too wasted.’ Yoongi said eyeing at Jimin who was clinging to Taehyung in a way it looked like the older was trying to drag the younger down.

‘Taetae, hyungie says I’m wasted…’ Jimin muttered. Taehyung decided to ignore the comment.

‘Nothing too serious, right?’ he asked and Yoongi nodded.

‘He’ll be okay in the morning, hopefully. I can’t believe these three made him drink all that vodka in one go. I can’t tell who’s the youngest anymore.’ Yoongi sighed looking at Jimin in disappointment who shrunk in Taehyung’s side.

‘Take care hyung.’ with that, Taehyung dragged Jimin outside and moved towards Yoongi’s room’s side.

‘Taehyung-ah!’ Jimin whined as he pulled away from Taehyung.

Taehyung was feeling like he had enough of the older and considered just leaving him in the lobby. But turning to see him pouting, had his resolve of just leaving him out on the floor fading.

‘I don’t want to sleep alone. Let’s sleep together in your room. Please Taehyungie!’ Jimin said in a whiny tone, lying down on the floor. Taehyung just looked at him as if the older had grown two head. He was tipsy himself but not enough to not remember what had happened the last time they were alone in such close proximity in America. Taehyung had vowed to keep away from Jimin and any thoughts about what he’d like to happen.

‘Jimin-ah! I’m sure it’ll be more comfortable if we…’

‘Ani. I don’t want to. I don’t like being alone Taetae. And we’re all going on a break from tomorrow. I don’t know when I’ll see you.’ Jimin whined and Taehyung couldn’t help but smile at the older’s antics.

‘It’s not like we’re are going to opposite ends of the world. C’mon, get up.’ Taehyung said squatting down to pull Jimin up. Jimin grabbed his hands and pulled him down too as Taehyung yelped.

‘What the hell Jimin-ah!’ Taehyung groaned. He laid beside the older in the lobby, closing his eyes briefly. He was truly at loss for words. Taehyung didn’t know what to think anymore.

‘Why have you been avoiding me Taehyungie?’ the question startled Taehyung. He thought he was doing a good job not making it apparent but, looked like nothing could be hidden from his best friend.

‘What do you mean?’ he tried to play it off though, knowing it wouldn’t work. But he tried still.

‘Don’t play with me Taehyungie! You know what I mean. You’ve been distant, a lot. We don’t even hang out anymore. We don’t even talk like we used to. You just disappear all the time. Do you know how much it hurts me?’ Jimin muttered, a hint of vulnerability and uncertainty evident in his voice.

‘I’m sorry, for making you feel that way.’ Taehyung said, turning to face the older. And when Jimin turned to face him, Taehyung could feel his breath hitch. Even with his face all red and mused hair, he still managed to look good.

‘You should make it up to me then.’ and with that, Jimin connected their lips together.

Taehyung froze. He felt like crying inside. Jimin was testing his patience and resolve on another level altogether. Because if the older’s intentions were to push him in a corner and leave him on the verge of insanity, then he was doing a pretty good job. Taehyung felt frustrated and angry. Jimin had crawled over him and was planting wet kisses down Taehyung’s jawline, making the younger feel some way. He wanted to push Jimin off of him and storm off, leaving the older to fend for himself. But he wouldn’t lie about enjoying the feel of Jimin’s body pressed against his own and the older’s lips leaving a trail of kisses down his jaw. And later, he would admit that his sanity had left him at the moment when he turned both of them around, trapping Jimin’s body to the floor. He would also agonise over giving in to his temptations and kissing Jimin back.

Taehyung felt blood rushing inside his body with all his nerves being set alight. He was angry at Jimin for driving him insane all the time and at himself for giving in, for feeling something for the older knowing that this could disrupt the group dynamics. He was also frustrated, moreso after the incident that happened in America. And he poured all these emotions into the kiss. He pressed down on Jimin’s lithe body, biting the older’s plump lips and deepening the kiss, swallowing the moans spilling from Jimin’s mouth. Jimin’s hands started making their way to Taehyung’s torso, roaming under his T-shirt, when Taehyung broke the kiss and grabbed Jimin’s hands.

‘No, you’re not allowed to make me feel this way Jimin. You’re not allowed to be this… this sinful. You are not…’ Taehyung said looking down at the older’s ruffled look.

‘Taehyungie!’ Jimin whispered and Taehyung swore loudly. Fuck him for not being able to resist the older's charm and fuck Jimin for being so fucking sinful. Well, that is what he was thinking to do.

He bent down and pulled Jimin to a sitting position only to kiss him square on the lips. He held the older’s jaw and waist firmly, coaxing out moans and swallowing it all. With how Taehyung was kissing Jimin, it felt he was on a mission to put all he was feeling into the kiss. Jimin whimpered as Taehyung bit his bottom lips and drew them out, grabbing onto the younger’s arms to steady himself. Both of them were feeling lost and drunk; more on each other than the alcohol they had drowned earlier.

The journey to Taehyung’s room was a blur. They were kissing each other fiercely, nipping and biting each other lips, exploring each other’s bodies. As soon as they got in the room, Taehyung pushed Jimin against the door. He locked the door quickly before diving in to taste the older’s lips again. Jimin was pressed hard between the door and Taehyung’s big frame, being kissed senseless. Jimin tried to squirm, feeling too much, when Taehyung grabbed his wrist and pinned them to the door as well. Jimin looked up to see Taehyung in the eyes and he felt his knees growing weaker by second.

Both of them were panting heavily, gaze locked with each other. While Jimin looked at him in a haze of lust and confusion, Taehyung’s eyes bore raw emotions. The anger, the frustration, the love and adoration, all equally reflected in his eyes. Jimin had never seen Taehyung like this. For him, Taehyung was his best friend, his soulmate, his forever. If asked, he wouldn’t deny that the younger was insanely handsome and attractive. He also wouldn’t deny getting hard, looking at Taehyung performing Singularity or fake love in a sinuous way. But off stage, he was ‘Taehyungie’ to him. He was the warmth and love and home for Jimin. He was someone Jimin found himself taking care of, or feeling the need to indulge or someone he should wrap in a blanket to protect him from the world.

But he had never felt like this, intimidated, small; like he was a prey. Jimin had never felt so safe and never had he wanted someone to take care of him, to please him. He thought he was the one who should always be giving. But right now, trapped between Taehyung’s body and in his gaze, Jimin felt like taking and taking everything Taehyung could ever give him. He knew it was selfish of him, he knew they were crossing ‘the’ line, he knew they could never go back. But at that moment, all he wanted to do was take everything Taehyung wanted to give him. So, he stood on his toes and kissed Taehyung. And then, all his sanity was lost.

Taehyung shifted his grip to Jimin’s waist, pulling him up till Jimin wrapped his legs around the younger’s waist. He supported the weight of Jimin against the door and kissed him back. He trailed down kisses down the older’s jaw to the juncture of his neck and gently bit down. Jimin pushed his head back, tightening his arms around Taehyung’s neck, moaning as the younger feasted on his skin. The sheer dominant vibes Taehyung was radiating was enough to send shivers down Jimin’s back. He had never been submissive before and neither felt the need to or ever wanted to. Control was one thing Jimin loved even when he was the one bottoming. But with Taehyung, he felt himself getting pliant under the younger’s sexual ministrations and loving every second of it.

Taehyung turned around, carrying Jimin to the bed before putting him down. Jimin found himself hypnotised with the way Taehyung moved with such grace and power radiating from him. He closed his eyes briefly, feeling as if he was in a trance of sorts. Opening up his eyes, he saw Taehyung gazing at him. His face was unreadable, a hard expression set in place.

‘Take off your clothes Jiminie.’ Taehyung said, his voice dropping down an octave, enough to send goosebumps down Jimin’s spine. The authoritativeness dripping from the words had him breathing harder. He nodded before taking off his shirt and tossing it off. His hands slipped to the waistband of his boxers, feeling unsteady.

Taehyung’s predatory gaze was making him heady. He froze for a second and Taehyung raised an eyebrow, tilting his head slightly and wetting his lips subtly. Jimin groaned internally. He couldn’t decipher how he hadn’t seen Taehyung like this. Taehyung was just so… words were failing Jimin now. He pushed the cloth down his legs and let it drop to the side.

Taehyung groaned. He could not believe how someone could be so beautiful. He had seen Jimin naked many times courtesy of being in the same team and sharing rooms, washroom and green room with him for so long. But looking at his naked form now, Taehyung felt his heart jumping out of the window. The aggression that had built-in him was simmering down slightly looking at Jimin. The older looked at him with such a dazed and vulnerable expression, Taehyung felt his consciousness leaving his body. He couldn’t understand how someone so strong and confident all the time could be so delicate and feel so fragile, exude such etherealness. He felt his body moving on its own accords.

‘Tae…’ Jimin whispered as Taehyung straddled him, pushing him down to lie.

‘Hmmm…’ Taehyung murmured as he planted a soft kiss on older’s jaw, moving down to the collarbone and sucking lightly.

‘Please Tae!’ Jimin moaned, feeling the trail of Taehyung’s lips. Taehyung moved down and took Jimin’s right nipple in his mouth, nipping it before lavishing it with kisses and sucking on it. Jimin bucked up, arching his back in pleasure.

‘I’ve got you, Min.’ Taehyung whispered on his skin, moving on to give attention to the other nipple as his hand steadied down Jimin’s hips.

Taehyung continued his ministrations, firmly holding the older’s hips in place. He kissed all over Jimin’s torso before moving down. As soon as his breath hit Jimin’s length, the older squirmed, moaning out Taehyung’s name. Taehyung smiled against the skin of Jimin’s pelvis before asking in a low baritone voice.

‘Are you clean Jimin-ah?’

‘Mmhmm…’ Jimin croaked out and instantly felt Taehyung’s mouth wrapping around his length. His back arched in pleasure and if it was not Taehyung’s hand holding him steady, he would’ve lost it then and there.

Taehyung took down Jimin’s length in his mouth completely, twirling around his tongue and moving slowly. His movements were measured and controlled while Jimin was close to thrashing around. He tightened his grip on Jimin’s hips and increased his speed. He could tell Jimin was close with how his muscles were getting tense and taut. He grabbed Jimin’s ass, pulling him closer to the edge as he worked on his length. And soon enough, Jimin was releasing in his mouth.

Taehyung swallowed as much as he could as he loosened his grip on Jimin’s slackening body. He withdrew himself and wiped his mouth from the back of his hand. Jimin was slumped on the bed, not moving an inch. Taehyung slowly stood up, catching Jimin’s eyes. Jimin looked dazed as he made grabby hands towards Taehyung. Taehyung wasn’t sure if he should succumb to Jimin’s charms or turn around and run away. But he wasn’t known to be able to not fall for Jimin’s charms and thus joined him on the bed. As soon as his body landed beside Jimin’s, the older snuggled in his side and melted in his chest. Taehyung wrapped his hands around Jimin’s waist, pulling him closer.

‘Thanks, Tae!’ Jimin murmured before his breathing evened out.

A thousand thoughts were crossing through his mind but for the moment, Jimin’s deep breath and weight against his chest lulled him into sleep. For the time being, he would pretend everything was okay. Though he had no idea what the next few days and weeks had in store for him. Taehyung had no idea that things would spiral down so fast.

Notes:

Aaaah! At times I hate myself for writing such angsty stuff. Also knowing what is going to happen next makes me so frustrated and makes me wanna cry. I'm just torturing myself tbh. But, I do love writing angst so I'll continue to try my best to deliver. Hope you hang on and enjoy. The end will definitely be worth it, wherever it goes, I'm sure.
Also, just putting it out there in case anyone felt that the vmin scene was borderline non-con. I had no intentions to make it seem like that if it did. Also, from characters pov, it wasn't non-con. Yes, they were drunk, but there was obvious sexual attraction. Jimin made the first move and Tae might seem a bit rough at points but it was all consensual. Again, I apologise if at all it reads differently.

Hope you enjoyed it. Leave me a Kudo or a comment to let me know how you liked it, or any suggestions regarding the plotline or writing style. I'd love to hear from you all.
Lots of love!

Chapter 5: Chapter 3

Summary:

Jimin might just break Taehyung's heart.

Notes:

Hello everyone! Thank you loads for the support and love! We are close to 1k hits and this soon. OMFG! I don't know how to thank you all.
Gushing aside, sorry for the late updates. I am having continuous interviews for college and exams so am running quite busy. But I really wanted to put out an update. It's a bit shorter than other chapters because that's all I have written till now. But, it also seemed like a perfect end for the chapter.
I also made a very small change at the end of the last chapter. Jimin says thank you to Tae before sleeping. It'll make more sense once you read the chapter. Hope you enjoy this angst lvl 100 chapter.

The next day, Taehyung woke up all alone in his bed. He didn’t put much thought into it because if he did, he’d drown in it. He reasoned that Jimin must have had someplace to be early in the morning and hence, left. A voice in his head reminded him how Jimin liked and would prefer to sleep in on an off day and today was the start of their break, so why would he not stay. But Taehyung conveniently chose to ignore that voice and got up to go about his own day. He was planning to lounge in the dorm, maybe play some games with Jungkook and have a nice dinner before others left for their homes. As of now, Jimin had left. He knew Jin and Namjoon were planning to leave around noon too. The rest of them would leave in the following days.

He spent his day as he had planned. Hoseok had told him Jimin left early in the morning without even asking. He tried to reason why it was affecting him but then shut down the rational part of his brain for the rest of the day. He had breakfast with the other five before the eldest and the leader left. He spent the rest of the day cuddled between Hoseok and Jungkook on their living room couch watching movies and eating heartily. For some time, Taehyung almost didn’t think of the emptiness he felt regarding Jimin.

The next day, he got up early and packed his bags. His wooga squad hyungs were coming to take him out for a trip they had planned since Taehyung had told them about the break. He deftly packed the vlog camera and other stuff, mentally getting into the vacation mode. He had yet to receive any messages from Jimin which kept bothering him slightly. If Jimin didn’t remember what happened last night, he’d have sent a barrage of messages by now. Which meant he did remember it, some of it even if not all. While that could be comforting in a sense, it wasn’t because Taehyung was at a loss of what to do. And so, he did nothing. He talked with his parents, hugged Hoseok goodbye, as he was the only one awake at 6 in the morning, and then switched his phone off as he got in his hyung’s car. Hitting the road, with speakers blasting at full volume, he let himself forget about all the mess for some time. He knew it wouldn’t last long but he did what he had to.

Few weeks into the break, Taehyung had been enjoying the sandwiches made by his mom and lounging around with Yeontan on his side when the BTS group chat lit up with messages. He had been comfortably taking a break from all the drama and schedule. He hadn’t opened much of the work emails or messages, replying only to what all seemed really important. He talked to his band members occasionally but still no direct contact with Jimin.

He looked at his mobile wondering if he should ignore the messages yet again, till he picked up his mobile and unlocked it. He went through a few earlier messages sent by Seokjin and Namjoon gushing about some gifts they received from the fans and comments by Hoseok, Yoongi and Jimin. Jungkook was as ever absent from the texts and Taehyung couldn’t help but shake his head. The youngest most probably hadn’t read the text or thought he had already replied to whatever was going on.

He scrolled down till he came to the present messages and suddenly, he felt his throat constricting. He found he couldn’t breathe as he went through the messages, feeling dizzy by the moment. And the last message had him choking. Yeontan stood up from the edge of the bed and inched closer to him and nuzzled his neck as if asking if he was alright. Taehyung found he can barely contain his emotions anymore and tossed his phone away before muffling his face in the bed and letting out the sobs buried in his chest for too long.

Seokjin- Guess what happened?

Yoongi- Did you stumble on another one of our old photos?

Namjoon- Oh! Not again!

Hoseok- Whose is it hyung?

Jin-You kids are lame.

Yoongi- Says you, hyung!

Jin-Brat! But anyway, no. Jimin sent me something

Jimin-Hyung! Don’t you dare!

Jin- by mistake. Would you let me

Hoseok- This sounds interesting!

Jin-finish before you speak.

Yoongi- Get on with it hyung. What did he send you?

Namjoon- I’m invested now.

Jin-It’s a picture

Hoseok- of?

Jin-A choker.

Yoongi-????

Namjoon- I am not seeing how that would be interesting.

Jimin- Hyung, please!

Jin- Him wearing a choker. That has a leash. Long enough to wrap him. Whole.

Namjoon- Oh!

Hoseok- I didn’t know you had hots for Jin hyung.

Yoongi- I want to puke.

Jimin- Excuse me, I am gonna go drown in the bathtub.

Jin- here’s the interesting part though, it had initials.

Namjoon- WTF!?

Yoongi- We are not interested in listening to your guys’ kinks. Or is this another one of them? Voyeurism…

Jin- Shut up Yoongi-ah! It had C.K. not K.S.J. on it. DO the math.

Namjoon- I’m not sure how maths is involved in this.

Hoseok- Oh my fuck!!! Jimin-ah!!!

Yoongi- I am nauseated.

Hoseok- JIMIN-AH!!!! JIMIN!

Jimin- Don’t make it worse hyung.

Hoseok- Rude! But how long has it been now? FIve months?

Yoongi-Six

Hoseok- Weren’t you nauseated hyung?

Yoongi- I still am.

Namjoon- Wowww! Is that like some anniversary gift Jimin-ah?

Jimin- Not you too hyung…

Jin- He’s setting thirst traps now. Wow… Someone is gonna get fucked soon.

Yoongi- Hard

Hoseok- When?

Jimin- Hyung-nims!!!

Jin-Come on now Jimin-ah…

Jimin- Ok, fine. Yeah, it was for Charlie. He’s coming this weekend to Hawaii for our six month anniversary. He’s taking me out. SO now I’ll be glad if you guys can shut up now and let me go drown in embarrassment.

Notes:

I am seriously hoping you guys enjoyed it. Angst is tough on all of us. Hopefully, our boys make it out sane. Let's see.
Leave a comment or kudos, let me know how you liked it. Hoping to update soon so send me some love too.
Lots of love!!!

Chapter 6: Chapter 4

Summary:

Wooga gang bromance and some unsavoury confrontations.

Notes:

Hello everyone! I'm back. Thank you for the immense support and love and for 1.2k reads and 50 kudos. I can't express how grateful I am. Also, I'm extremely sorry for the delay in updating this chapter and I tried to compensate it with a longer chapter but I still feel bad for leaving you guys hanging. I have continuous interviews lined up and it took me a while to decide on where exactly I want to take this story and the pace with which I'd want to move at. I have a bit more clarity now and time, so I'll be trying my best to update soon.
I did rush this chapter a bit but I still tried my best. If there are grammatical errors or a lack of flow anywhere, I sincerely apologise in advance.
Hope you enjoy it!

To say things got harder for Taehyung as the end of their break came, would be an understatement. If he had been silent before, it was nothing compared to now. Earlier, he would still pick up calls and reply to urgent stuff. Now, he had tossed his mobile in the third drawer of the bed-table in his parents’ room and had taken to spending time playing games, taking yeontan out and mostly writing. He’d write whatever he felt like and try to write it in English with whatever limited vocabulary he had. He didn’t want his parents or siblings to stumble on it and know the turmoil going on inside. While Taehyung knew he could share it with his parents, he still didn’t want to worry them. Also, they adored Jimin like their son, and Taehyung wouldn’t want whatever was going on to sour things between his parents and Jimin.

It was on one such fine day when he was lost in his own thoughts that his mother came rushing to his room. He looked up in alarm and saw the surprised expression on his mother’s face. The past few days, he had been in his own bubble and his parents had let him be. But he knew they worried about him, about how he wasn’t behaving as he usually did. So when he saw his mother smile at him kindly as she asked him to come out to the living room.

He got up from his bed and ruffled his head, making his way towards the living room with Yeontan following him. He put on his glasses and swept his bangs away from his face. He wondered what it was. To his surprise, the sight in front of him was not something he’d expect to ever happen. Taehyung saw two of his hyungs chatting with his father and their faces lighting up as he came into their sight.

‘Taehyungie!’ One of his hyung got up to run up to him and squish his cheeks before engulfing him in a big hug. He hugged back, relaxing in the comfort of his hyung’s arms.

‘What are you guys doing here?’ he asked looking at them.

‘We missed you. Not to mention how you’ve gone MIA for the last two weeks or so and we were worried something had happened. Happy to see you’re still intact!’ the oldest among the three of them said.

‘And as handsome as ever!’ the second oldest said, making Taehyung go red and mutter ‘hyung…’

‘He hasn’t stepped a foot outside the house for three days now. You guys do something now!’ his mother’s voice rang from the kitchen and the two guests chuckled.

‘Neh Eommoni!!!’ the oldest said.

Taehyung went to sit down with the two as his father excused himself to do some chore. Taehyung was instantly sandwiched between the two as soon as his parents were out of the room and Taehyung groaned. He knew there was going to be a big interrogation about his whereabouts.

‘What’s going on? We haven’t seen you since we went out. We all had been worried.’

‘Yes, Tae. We could see something was weighing on your mind but we knew you’d tell us when you were ready. But then you went total MIA. Hyung called you dozens of time and I did too. And then we got Namjoon’s call asking us if we have talked to you. We saved your ass and he said to let you know to contact him as soon as possible. I think even he knew we were lying. Geez Tae, what’s happening?’
Taehyung looked at their eyes, filled with concern and care. He felt guilty for just dropping off the grid without even informing anyone about it. He felt guilty for having missed Namjoon’s calls and messages and irresponsible for not taking care of his work. He was an idol and had a job to do. If he couldn’t even handle his own problems without sacrificing his work then what was he? And he knew Namjoon and all his hyungs must be worried about his behaviour, wondering what happened. A part of him wondered if Jimin got worried, not being able to reach him and pouting. But then if that was the case, it’d be him sitting beside him and not his hyungs. It’d be his best friend of almost a decade and not the ones who knew him from 3-4 years at max. It’s not like he didn’t appreciate his friend's concern, but a part of him was sad that it wasn’t the one he yearned for.

‘I’m sorry hyung-nim!’ he said, lowering his head. He couldn’t look them in the eyes because if he did, he’d break down and spill everything he had been holding on to.

‘Tae… Won’t you tell Wooshikie and me what’s been bothering you so badly?’ Taehyung looked at his hyung and the concern in his eyes made him hug the older guy.

‘Seo-Joon hyung!’ he said, wrapping his hands around his hyung’s neck. Soon he felt Wooshik hugging him from the back, both older men holding him.

‘It’s ok Taehyung-ah. Everything will be ok.’ he heard Wooshik’s calm voice before the second oldest pressed a kiss to his head.

After sitting like that for a while, he calmed down. The other two cuddled him and held him as he closed his eyes for a few moments, not really sure what answer to give to the two of them. He didn’t want to lie to them but he also didn’t think he was ready to admit anything he himself felt rocky about. He wanted to give them something though, something which was solid, a truth.

‘I think I really like this one guy.’ he muttered.

He could feel the stare of the older two on him and felt uncertain. It was not something he usually talked about easily. And this was totally new territory he was dealing with, with his wooga hyungs. While his bandmates knew he liked to identify as someone who was fluid in terms of sexuality, he had never really shared it with anyone else. And with even his members, he hadn’t actively talked much in detail about. Some of them were open about it while the others were more reserved on the topic of anything long-term. Somehow it worked because if there was anything common between them, it was that they never judged the other and were pretty educated and open-minded regarding the topic.

‘Well isn’t that great news then Taehyungie! I mean I’m a bit disappointed I won’t be able to woo you now but I’m happy if you are!’ Wooshik said and the other two turned to look at him with an incredulous expression.

‘WHAT?’ the second oldest looked at them with a bit of a dramatic expression.

‘I didn’t know you could be so shameless and brazen!’ Seo-Joon said and the three burst out laughing.

‘I’m not even sure what to think about the fact that you like me so much, hyung!’ Taehyung said with his signature smile.

‘Well, it’s not my fault you’re so handsome Taehyungie! I’m a mere mortal!’ Wooshik winked and Taehyung felt his cheeks burning.

‘Hyung!!!’

‘Stop teasing him now. Let the boy breathe Wooshik-ah!’ Seo-Joon said, massaging the nape of the youngest.

‘Ok ok. Tell us then, who is this boy and why have you been hiding from the world. I’m sure the boys won’t judge you on this. Neither would your eomma and appa. What’s troubling you then Tae?’ Wooshik asked with a gentle reassuring smile.

Taehyung took a deep breath and sank into the sofa more. Truth is, he didn’t want to say it out loud. Till now, his feelings and what had happened had been kept to himself only. WIth Jimin not even uttering a word about it, or even showing any sign that he remembered any of it, nothing was acknowledged openly. But, if he said it out loud, he’d not just acknowledge it but also it’d be so much more real than what it had been.

‘It’s one of my friends in the industry. We’ve been friends for quite some time now and I always kinda liked him but I wasn’t ready to acknowledge it. But then something happened and I don’t know, we didn’t talk about it.’ Taehyung breathed out, trying to be intentionally vague.

‘So… What’s the issue then? If you really like him Tae then just talk to him. I’m sure it’d be better. Who knows, maybe even he likes you back!’ Seo-Joon said with a calm smile.

‘He’s in a relationship now, hyung.’ Taehyung said and immediately closed his eyes, thought going back to the messages he had read on the BTS group chat.

‘What!?’

‘Yeah. I didn’t know he was, but he is.’ Taehyung muttered.

‘Did he cheat on his boyfriend with you? That jerk…’ Wooshik started but Taehyung interrupted.

‘I don’t think so hyung. They were broken up at the time or on a break. I’m not really sure but I trust him that much to not cheat on someone else with me.’ Taehyung said, blinking rapidly to avoid letting any tears out.

‘That’s such a dick move Tae. Even if he was on a break, he should’ve made it clear or at least talked with you about what happened before getting back together with his boyfriend. You deserved that much if nothing else.’ Seo-Joon said, his protective side glaring up.

‘Hyung is right. He’s an asshole for being so unfair to you; your friend or not.’ Wooshik chimed in as well. Taehyung chuckled dryly. He’d expect nothing else from the other two. They were extreme gentlemen, but if someone hurt their dear ones, they’d not leave the person unscathed.

‘I don’t know hyung. His relationship has been complicated, to say the least. And I feel I somehow stumbled in a prohibited area, somewhere I wasn’t required. It’s been messing me up a lot lately.’ Taehyung confessed, finally feeling a bit of the weight lift off of his chest.

‘That’s understandable. You have liked him for some time now and it becomes inevitable that one becomes involved without the intent to do so.’ The eldest said, keeping a reassuring grip on the youngest.

‘True. I suggest you try to move past what happened. If it really bothers you then talk to him but don’t let it just sit inside and hurt. And till then, do whatever you feel like. You’ve got how many days left of the break?’ Wooshik asks.

‘About a week or so.’

‘Well, write me a song then, why don’t you Taehyung-ie? For my next drama.’ Seo-Joon suggested with a genuine smile.

‘Hyung, stop kidding. It would never…’

‘I’d love to have a song of yours in the OST. Give it a thought.’

‘Neh hyung!’ Taehyung replied, a bit shocked at the sudden request but also elated.

‘Now how about we go out to our favourite place and Seo-Joon hyung treats us to celebrate the success of his movie.’ Wooshik says cheekily and Taehyung nods enthusiastically, feeling a lot lighter and happier.

The next few days passed quickly and Taehyung was back to replying to messages and emails and getting his work done. He had given a lousy reason for his absence but he knew it was the best he could muster and would have to do. Thankfully, no one cross-questioned him much, preferring to give him space. He knew he’d have to face their inquisitive faces soon but for now, he was content to lie on his bed and cuddle yeontan the whole day. And finally, the day came where they had to get back to work. Taehyung was enjoying his last day when his phone rang and the caller id made him choke on the sandwiches he was eating.

JIMINIE

Taehyung took a moment to compose himself before picking up. He could feel his nerves being on edge. They hadn’t talked for quite a long time now and somehow, despite years of being best friends, it felt so hard to talk now.

‘Hello!’ came the voice from the other side and Taehyung felt like someone had poured a bucket of water over him.

‘Jiminah… Long time no talk…’ Taehyung said before cringing at how his words came out.

‘Yeah, I’d been here and there.’

‘Hmm… I saw the messages on the group chat.’ Taehyung said not knowing why it felt so awkward talking to his best friend. Before anything else, Jimin was his best friend and he knew he wouldn’t change it for the world.

‘I missed you.’ as soon as the words came out of the speaker, Taehyung felt himself going rigid. It felt nice to finally hear those words, the same that had been echoing in his mind but he hadn’t dared to confront them yet.

‘I missed you too Min-ah!’ he finally uttered, feeling surprisingly light and happy. He had been berating himself over his feelings and thoughts for Jimin but at the very foundation of it, he knew both of them were soulmates. Taehyung couldn’t live without Jimin in his life and he knew the vice versa was true, whatever the capacity of that might be.

‘I’m coming back tonight. But I wanted to talk before we met tomorrow to leave for Bon Voyage. I think there are some things that need a little clearing up and, yeah.’ Jimin's voice trailed off. Taehyung hummed and it urged the older to continue.

‘I’m back with Charlie.’ and there went Taehyung’s heart, breaking over a bit yet again. Though this time, he was prepared for it. He had been planning on and imagining a conversation with his friend and this was one of the things he had prepared himself to hear. Whether he was going to accept it fully though, was still debatable.

‘I figured.’

‘I hate Jin hyung for ruining it. I was planning on talking with you about it but then he sent that message and I didn’t know how to anymore. No one else knew we had broken up so he thought it was okay. It’s my fault really that I didn’t tell them but you know how I hate talking about it now. We have been in this loop and I’m sure everyone was tired of our constant status changes.’

Jimin’s voice came out small and Taehyung knew it wasn’t easy for his friend to talk about this. But he figured the older was tipsy and looking back on all the things he did wrong and critically analysing himself and his relationships with others. It was a part of his habit. Jimin loved to be loved and love others. There was a reason why he had good chemistry with everyone; it was because he tried hard to have that. He loved fiercely and didn’t like to be on bad terms with anyone he loved. So he tried his best to put efforts to ensure things were smooth between him and others. It has led him to give a lot of himself to others and while he had been getting better about not being actively concerned about it to a big extent, it still happened when he’d get drunk. He’d typically turn into a giggling mess but the times he got drunk alone, he was sure to turn into an emotional mess, over analyzing things.

‘It’s okay Jimin.’ Taehyung muttered out.

‘Is it though? I fucked up things between us before we left so is it really okay Taehyungie?’ Jimin mumbled and Taehyung could imagine that the older must be holding back his tears right now.

‘Jimin…’

‘I ruined it, didn’t I? I fucked up things with the only person who I’d never want to hurt ever. But I used you to get over this feeling of uncertainty and it wasn’t really fair but I still did that. So is it really ok?’ Taehyung could hear the sobs on the other side of the phone and he would do anything to teleport himself to his best friend and hold him tight.

‘Jimin-ah. It’s ok. I know we can be a little crazy at moments. Don’t punish yourself thinking you forced me to do something or that you fucked up. We were drunk, and yeah, stuff happens. I don’t hold it against you and it doesn’t change anything between us, right. We’re best friends before anything else and that’s that. Let’s look forward and forget it ever happened.’ Taehyung said, hating himself for each word coming out of his mouth. He didn’t want it to be ok, he didn’t want to forget it, he didn’t want any of it. He didn’t want to move on from the memory of how it felt to have Jimin to himself like he had always wanted but had banished the thought to the deepest part of his heart. He didn’t want to just forget how good it felt, he just couldn’t erase it. But he had to. He had to say all those things and had to mean them in some capacity because if he didn’t, he knew it’d stir up only chaos and heartbreaks.

‘Do you really mean it Taehyungie? I don’t know how to even begin to apologise for bringing you into my mess. You’ve always been there and I just…’ Jimin’s voice trailed off and Taehyung winced internally. It hurt, it hurt so bad to say those things, to have this conversation on the phone. But he was also thankful that Jimin wasn’t in front of him to see how all of Taehyung’s words were lies stitched with fake assurances. Because on call, it was easier to convince the older and also himself. He knew it was cowardly of him but he couldn’t afford to be that brave right now.

‘Yes. Let it be in the past. I hope that things between you and Charlie are better now.’ Taehyung said, wincing at his own words.

‘Yeah. We had a heart to heart when we met up in Paris. We both have commitment issues and it’s not easy to trust each other or whatever we have after having such a turbulent time. But, we know there’s something there and Charlie said he’s ready to fight for it if it’s something I’d want to. For now, we have decided to be in an open relationship to see where things take us. We are still each other’s primary partners but we are open to pursuing others as well. It takes off a lot of uncertainty and we thought it’d be better this way for a while. I told him that the others didn’t know about our break-up and he suggested we start where we left it. So yeah.’ Taehyung nodded even when he knew Jimin couldn’t see him. It was just something to make him accustomed to such talks. Something to put him in the frame where he didn’t have to share the faraway world his mind was off at and seem normal.

‘That’s nice. I hope things work out between you guys.’ Lies. All of it was lies. But it's better than to lose all at once. ‘Let’s catch up more tomorrow. You better get some rest. I’ll go and sort out some stuff too.’ Taehyung finished, his voice smooth but there was a lump stuck in his throat still. But Jimin didn’t need to know that, did he?

‘Yeah, see you soon. Love you!’ Jimin said, and Taehyung could picture the small relieved smile that must be gracing his best friend’s face at the moment.

‘Love you too!’ Taehyung said before the call ended. And with it, a part of him chipped away as well.

As soon as the line went dead, he had his own epiphany. Something he wasn’t sure to say out loud yet but knew to be true regardless. And that’s how he found himself penning the missing piece of the song he had been working on for his hyung’s new show. He had a good idea about what the narrative was and somehow, what he felt for Jimin, the words he knew but couldn’t say, penned itself into a song that just fit it all perfectly. It wasn’t his intention to connect the two, but the human mind is a unique piece of art; connecting all the dots we intentionally leave unconnected.

Putting the finishing touches to the song in the evening, Taehyung wished it’d be some sort of end to the maddening storm. That writing this song could give him some closure to his untold truth regarding Jimin. He wished that he could hold true to his words and move on, truly this time. That he could forget he felt anyway about the person he thought he shouldn’t feel a thing for. He hoped for the agony to end, the pain of feeling and knowing things deep in his heart but never acknowledging them, never saying them. He didn’t want himself to suffer being in the liminality where one side he felt all of it and the other where he pretended to ignore any such thing. He was tired of it and at that moment, he promised himself he’d move on from whatever this was. That he’d make an honest attempt to keep things as they had always been and move on. To finally be in peace with his heart and mind.

What Taehyung failed to foresee was that the blurred lines didn’t go away just because he wanted to. That it’s one thing to convince yourself to let go and move on and act like it too. Though it was another thing to be totally able to do so. One can choose to overlook the feeling and not acknowledge them, to make oneself believe that one has moved on. But one can only fool themselves for so long. One can only pretend for so long. It was just a matter of time and one is falling into the depth of uncertainty over again. And Taehyung would see his resolve to move on was nothing but a mirage, a lie he had carefully crafted that was bound to come crashing down. Because while Jimin was his salvation, the older was his doom too. And doomed he was from the moment he laid eyes on the older. Because while he may not realise it, even no one else might, but he had lost a little of him that first encounter.

Notes:

So, a lot happened there. It might be a bit confusing where I'm planning to take this but I promise it'll become clearer as we proceed. I won't launch into an explanation but all I'll say is, none of the characters is bad or has any ill intentions. They are human at the end of the day. And can I say that I absolutely love the Wooga fam so much. I went back to research a bit regarding the timeline that stuff happened back then and like all the wooga interaction is so heartwarming. I honestly had a great time writing them and hope more people do too.
Again, thanks for so much support and patience. I'll try harder to write better and post more frequently.
Feel free to leave a kudo or a comment to let me know how you felt. I can't express how happy it makes me when I receive feedback. it motivates me a lot.
Lots of love!
P.S.- Sweet night is such a great song and I just had to mention it. I feel it meant a lot for Tae too and what with it being no. 1 in 118 countries now, breaking records left and right. I'm so proud of Taehyung as an artist.

Chapter 7: Chapter 5

Summary:

Taehyung has an epiphany.

Notes:

Hello, my lovely people. I can't thank you guys enough for the support and love that I've received. Love you all!
This chapter was hard to come by as I was on an emotional ride recovering from covid, so I hope you understand. And while this may seem emotion heavy chapter, it was really necessary for me to write it. I truly hope you can relate to how Taehyung's feelings switches, but if you can't, I hope you can still be understanding.
Enjoy reading!

Meeting everyone the next day felt refreshing for Taehyung. He had genuinely missed all of them so much and coming back to the noise and chaos in their dorms was putting him at ease. He quickly packed up the stuff he needed, not forgetting to show off the tons of ramen packets he had packed in his suitcase. After initial setting up and packing, he settled down on the couch with Yoongi and Hoseok. Jungkook kept frequenting between the rooms while others got ready. Suddenly, he looked at the entrance and saw the person he didn’t know what to feel about anymore. His heart was beating so fast it might have just jumped out of his ribcage at the moment. But at the same moment, he had to maintain his facade of calm and cool. So, he leaned back on the couch further, trying to act as cool as he could.

Taehyung had lied in his bed the previous night after talking to Jimin and sorting his things at home, planning on how he’ll tackle things from then onwards. He had repeated it over and over in his mind that he had to try his best to move on, to act cool. To act as if nothing out of seems had ever happened and that it was all ok. But it was one thing to try and act as if one was ok. Actually having to do so, was still a mean task he had set himself up for. He had tried to mentally prepare himself regarding the trip they’d be taking, trying to conjure up different scenarios in his head and how he’ll deal with them.

But the truth was, no matter how much he thought about it, no matter the number of scenes he conjured up in his mind, he was still unsure how he’d actually go about it in reality. And seeing Jimin now, in front of him, seated beside him as if it was no big deal, he was feeling dizzy and as if he’d lose his sanity right then and there. If that was the situation right now, he could imagine how the trip would be. So, mustering all the self-control he ever had, he pushed all the memories, all the feelings back to the very core of his soul. Instead, he took on the persona of his stage self; V of BTS and acted the part to perfection. That was his plan, to fake it till he made it. He could only hope he made it.

The journey to New Zealand was easy and it felt like it became easier to pull it off the longer it went. For finally, he could smile and breathe, even if it was all pretence at one level, it did give him some space. It did let him switch off his brain and his emotions, his feelings for his best friend who was in a relationship. He stuck to himself for most of the plane ride, not feeling well enough. Taehyung could see that the members were concerned but he waved it off to nausea. He didn't want to worry them over something he couldn't even share. They were meeting after a long time and even though they were shooting a show, all of them were excited for this trip, and Taehyung couldn't find it in himself to ruin it for them.

So he tried his best to be cheerful for them and to keep to himself at times when his involvement didn't seem necessary. Not to say he sulked around because that would only defeat his purpose, but he tried to be as contained as he could. And while having the facade of V did alleviate some tension around Jimin, it still didn't succeed in numbing his feelings completely. Because when Jimin acted silly, he still found himself smiling despite himself. And when Jimin was bringing him food, asking about his health and being his caring self, Taehyung couldn't deny that he felt his heartache sweetly. His feelings for Jimin were just present on such a basic level, it was hard to not feel it.

'Taehyung-ah, gwenchana?' Jimin asked him as they arrived. Taehyung only nodded, instead focusing on the group activity and training. If only he could distance himself a bit from his best friend, he was sure it'd help.

So he took to sticking to Hoseok and older hyungs. He tried to act as normal as possible, trying not to ignore Jimin but doing so at the same time. He knew it would come off as very random and he was praying no one would call him out on it. His members were used to an extent of it for years so he was banking on it to let him pass. But luck also runs out at times and he found himself at the receiving end of it too.

It was Jin who finally asked him what was happening as they drove together in the SUV with Yoongi asleep in the backseat. Taehyung looked at the oldest with a shocked face, not knowing what to say. The oldest's face wasn't giving away what he was expecting from Taehyung and it did put the latter in a spot.

'Whatever do you mean hyung!' he said nonchalantly, looking outside at the beautiful scenery.

'Don't expect me to leave you alone about going MIA for weeks. Do you know how many times I tried to call you? When we couldn't reach you earlier, we thought you might be taking some time off. But then Namjoon still couldn't reach you and getting to know you weren't even replying to official emails, that scared the shit out of us.' Jin said, smoothly managing to drive as well as make Taehyung feel guilty yet angry too.

'I am sorry.' he said, trying not to let his cool wear off. He didn't want to snap at his hyung for feeling frustrated about the whole ordeal. It wasn't his members' faults but being held accountable for his actions while going through something he couldn't share with others did make him feel very irritated. Also, he didn't want to be reminded of it, lest his emotions broke through the surface and he ended up spilling all the beans.

'Whatever happened?' Jin pushed.

'I was just going through some things.' Taehyung sighed. There was no need to lash out at his hyung for trying to help him out.

'You can always share if it helps. If not, I can only hope it gets better soon, whatever it is.' Jin said gently, feeling that the younger might not be ready to talk yet.

'Hmm… I'm feeling better now that I'm here with you hyung!' Taehyung said back with a fond smile and Jin chuckled.

'Well, now you're just trying to flatter me Taehyungie! In fact, I make quite an excellent company, don't I?' Jin said, raising his eyebrows and Taehyung laughed.

It felt good to be able to laugh like this and it did hit Taehyung that he had been losing on quite some things with being stuck in his own feelings. Even taking help from his stage persona, he was still pretending to be ok. Maybe he did not have to be ok if he wasn't. Maybe he was selling his members short, even his best friend. These were the people who knew him for 10 years or so and were as close as his family, maybe even more. So, maybe he didn't have to pretend to be ok if he wasn't. He didn't want to bother them and that was one thing but he didn't have to lie.

The epiphany hit him gradually as he watched the sun setting down slowly. He opened up his window and placed his head on his folded arms on the window, letting the wind ruffle his hair. He decided to just be in the moment for the time being. He had been stressing over how he wasn't ok with his feelings for Jimin hitting him strongly these past few weeks. He had been stuck with how he was feeling that he forgot that it was ok to feel not okay. He had suppressed his feelings for so long now, that when it hit him, it was the only thing he could focus on. But it didn't have to be that way. He did survive for so long and he was sure he'd survive further somehow too.

So, in that moment, as they drove by the mountains, basking in the warmth of the setting sun, Taehyung decided to let it go. He decided to truly stop pressing himself thin with the tension of what and when and why. He'd just try to appreciate each and every moment with his members on this trip, try his best to enjoy it for the sake of their fans and for himself too. He shouldn't be agonising over the thing that Jimin didn't like him back as he did, or that he was yet to acknowledge the depth of his actual feelings and the pressure of liking his group member. It'll be okay and he had to believe it, otherwise, he'd be running around half dead. He knew if things didn't get resolved soon, it might happen soon. But for now, he did decide to throw caution to the wind. On this trip, he'd do whatever he felt like without apologising or agonising over it and try to enjoy the trip. That's the most he could do anyway.

The day goes by with Taehyung finally able to sort his feelings out a bit and acting back to his usual self. He even is able to handle being in the same room as Jimin without feeling like he’ll go off in his own world. Taehyung even talks to the older 95 born politely when the latter asks if he needs help cleaning after cooking. He graciously accepts the tea and the back massage the eldest hyung bestows him when Taehyung complains about the height of the sink. Taehyung could feel the oldest being playful but the underlying comfort the latter was trying to pass on through his actions.

The next day arrives and Taehyung wakes up with the resolve to start afresh. He had decided to let himself be free of the burden of his feelings for the whole trip and try to be reckless enough to enjoy whatever he wanted to. And so, he decided to put his plan in action. His words got more playful, he laughed without thought when Jungkook acted adorably or Hoseok complained about lack of coffee with a pout. He went out and played with his members on the zip line and for a moment it did feel like earlier when he wasn’t actively aware of the extent of his fondness for Jimin and had that section buried deep within. He also decided to join the members in filming yet another CNS challenge video and giggling over their silliness with the rest of the group.

Later, when they are hiking is when he feels his feelings knocking up again, looking at Jimin goofing around and acting like an absolute kid. Though it gets squashed down when he sees Jimin on a video call with the older’s boyfriend. His smile dims a bit as he sees Jimin excitedly showing off the scenery to his boyfriend, talking animatedly and how Jimin wished they could go back in time and enjoy their vacation yet again. Taehyung feels something ugly settle in his stomach, but seeing the smile on Jimin’s face, he decides to not let it turn into anything more. Instead, he decides to spend time goofing around with the others and click pictures. It is something that is healing for Taehyung and having such scenery around makes him make himself get lost in his surroundings and not in the dull ache in his heart.

It is only at night when Taehyung wakes up with Jimin cuddled in his arms that he lets a lone tear slip out his eyes. Taehyung was extremely tired from the day’s activities but with Jimin in his arms, it somehow felt okay. Only for it wasn’t really okay. Taehyung hands automatically wrapped around the older as the latter snuggled in his chest, half his body over Taehyung’s. But with the weight also came back the memories and so did the realisation that this could not mean what Taehyung desired it to be.

Taehyung held on to Jimin for a few minutes before carefully extracting himself from the older’s grip. He gently put a little distance between them and put a pillow which Jimin instantly hugged in his place. For a moment, Taehyung admired the peaceful look on the older’s face before planting a gentle kiss on the older's forehead.

‘If you only knew how I felt Jimin-ah!’ Taehyung heaved a sigh before his face pulled in a soft yet sad smile. He turned around and fell back asleep, exhausted both emotionally and physically to drift off in just a few moments.

Notes:

Not too much vmin in this but loads of Tae and his musings. It was necessary for me to write it to truly build his character in this story. Though I hope the little angsty scene in the end, makes you come back because the next few chapters are gonna be turbulent and vmin heavy. Just saying! Please hang on for a bit more. Honestly, I didn't really plan for this story to get this long, but it just keeps happening. But good things will come soon, rest assured.
Drop a comment or kudo, it really motivates me a lot and makes my day!
Lots of love!!!

P.S.- I will try to keep the bon voyage thing brief but will elaborate on a few scenes that affect the plot. With so much content it's easier to forget that it's still just a few days. I'll try not to dwell too much on details too.

Chapter 8: Chapter 6

Summary:

'When will you stop running Taehyung-ah?' Jimin said, stepping towards him as the younger looked back, eyes widening in surprise.

Notes:

Hello everyone! I don't know where to even start my apology, so I'll keep it very short and simple. I have been dealing with personal and family issues especially with covid being a pain in ass.
I simply had lost any motivation to write and, I guess even the words weren't coming to me. So I took my time and I think I will continue to do so. I can't promise regular updates but I'll keep writing this story at my own pace.
I can't express how grateful I am for your all support and love. Also some of you were concerned about my absence and that's really heartwarming! Thank you so much everyone, thank you!
I hope you enjoy little chapter and keep showing interest in the story! Also I wrote and posted from mobile so not edited; ignore any mistakes.

The next few days abroad passed away in a flash and soon they were back in Korea. Taehyung had been able to hold on to his emotions better even when Jimin was in close proximity. He could pretend to be fine and continue on as things were. Their schedules also helped keep Taehyung busy. They had numerous shoots and practice sessions in a day which certainly kept him busy. It also ensured that he didn't have to see Jimin every second of the day even when they all lived together.

The practice sessions together increased though, as the dates for their concerts came nearer. And Taehyung could only brace himself. It was also going to be Jimin's birthday soon and Taehyung worried how he'd be able to do something special for his best friend without overwhelming himself. So he decided on getting him a simple present. A silver chain with a small pendant; nothing too fancy but pretty nonetheless.

The day of their Saudi concert came faster than Taehyung expected. Which in turn meant Jimin's birthday was around the corner as well. The staff and members prepared for a surprise event for his birthday where they sang the birthday song along with the whole audience. He could see how Jimin did not get it initially. But then when he heard his name, Jimin's eyes glowed and he started running around giggling like a kid on too much candy. Taehyung laughed fondly at him friend's childlike self.

It was difficult for Taehyung to comprehend his friend at times. Because on occasions, Jimin could be a like a devil had possessed him. Not to mention that the older was quite mature and intimidating in his own way. But then there would be moments where he would see Taehyung innocence shining brightly in Jimin's eyes. It was not the playful coyness that Jimin often resorted to. No, it was far too innocent and pure. And Taehyung couldn't help but stand there on the stage and admire that side of Jimin at the moment.

These moments were rare and difficult to find. Even for him, it was often difficult to decipher Jimin's emotions at times. But Taehyung enjoyed these moments the most. If it were up to him, he would pause the world everytime and take his time immortalising Jimin's expression in his head. He would carve all the details so finely that he would never be able to forget them. But Taehyung knew he was wary of the reasons and motivation behind the thoughts. So he moved forward, switching off his heart for the moment and putting his head in the performance. As with everything, he decided to deal with it later sometime.

The later, arrived sooner than Taehyung would have anticipated or liked to. That later happened that same night when the members all gathered up to celebrate the success of their concert in Saudi Arabia. It was a feat for them and what was their team if it did not celebrate such moments. Sometimes Taehyung felt too lucky to have joined a company with such liberal philosophy and environment and genuinely good people all around. He had read numerous times on twitter how everyone commented that there was something in Bighit's water or air. He often laughed heartily at those. It wasn't water or air necessarily, rather it was the environment and work culture that was fostered in their company which allowed each person to grow into better versions of themselves.

As he looked at the members, he could see how all of them had grown up to better human beings in general. He was reminded of the time where they used to think the same as everyone, berate themselves over their looks, or voices or images. They used to be insecure about many things and a few of those insecurities still linger. But they have grown a lot. He mentally chuckled at how shocked the maknae line was when Yoongi had just said that he was bisexual at the breakfast table like it didn't really mean much. It had meant a lot for them then but now, looking back, they were still so clueless and needed to grow up a lot.

He remembered the time when Jimin faced his own demons. He used to be confused and frustrated more than half the time. He wanted to create a masculine image following their debut and the pressure of maintaining his body. He used to be frantic about his looks and if he was being manly enough on camera. Beating up himself for slipping up and not to mention the struggles he had with his own voice and overall accepting himself. Jimin could pull any concept now but it still had a Jimin touch. Back when they had debuted, it had felt like they needed to be a certain someone only. And the struggles between being who you were and who you should be, it often proved too much.

Jimin had sometimes confided in Taehyung. Sometimes, Jimin would not. And that is how it was then. Taehyung remembered how he used to be super hyper back in his younger days. He was someone who was seen as different, someone four dimensional, acting in his own ways. And that perception had often provided him an escape from the hardships of the real world, but also from the pressure of constantly having to stick strictly to one personality. It had its own demerits but, well, it had its own benefits at times. He can only imagine how it must seem like for a third person if they saw Jimin and Taehyung's friendship. He likes to imagine what thoughts went through their members' minds and sometimes, they all laughed at the older memories. It had been memorable but it had also set precedents.

If Taehyung were to look at their friendship now, he wouldn't know what to comment or where even to start from. If him and Jimin were best friends then we're they just that. Were they soulmates, a term they threw around a lot. And if so, what did being soulmate even mean. What if what they had was only friendship and nothing which would mean soulmate. But what if they were soulmates and it meant all of what Taehyung felt and so much more. Taehyung felt confused with his own thoughts now. He wondered how others would feel if they heard his thoughts. Well, that in itself seemed like a scary thought to him.

Taehyung settled down in the booth in front of Hoseok who flashed him a big smile. Jin and Yoongi sat beside the older while Jungkook sat beside Taehyung and Hoseok. Namjoon approached them with a tray full of different drinks and a big smile followed by Jimin who hopped beside Taehyung moving past the leader. Taehyung stilled inside as his friend's lithe body collided in his, a giggle escaping the older 95 liner. Taehyung could smell the faint smell of liquor and grimaced. From how well he knew the other, he was sure Jimin had downed a few shots on their way to the table in excitement.

'Today was so much fun!' Jimin announced, capturing everyone's attention and the others nodded in agreement.

'It was so funny seeing your face though, hyung, when we started singing.' Jungkook chuckled, making Jimin pout and lean more into Taehyung. Drunk Jimin was also clingy Jimin.

'That's not fair. I genuinely thought y'all were singing some song so I started lip-syncing. Imagine my surprise when I saw the prompter was blank.' Jimin said and everyone smiled, remembering the scene.

'Well, it should've been obvious Jimin-ah. The staff or armies always prepare an event if any of our birthdays fall near the concert date.' Namjoon smiled.

'But still… Remembering dates is such a task hyung!' Jimin whined.

'Isn't it better this way though Jimin-ah? You love surprises, don't you.' Taehyung said, taking a sip from his coke and felt Jimin hum in agreement and relax further in his side.

Taehyung sighed inwardly. This close proximity after so long felt like the epitome of an oxymoron; it was a blissful torture. And suddenly, Taehyung felt himself detaching from the conversation happening at the table the more he registered Jimin's presence beside him. He nodded or hummed when required but otherwise, his mind was on another thing altogether. Jimin's body was pressed against his every movement by the older felt by Taehyung. And then he felt Jimin's torso falling on his lap as the older one laughed at whatever joke one of the members made. Jimin gripped Taehyung's left thigh in order to pull himself partially upright; majority of him still staying over Taehyung, and Taehyung felt himself still visibly. He looked down at the small fingers holding on to his thigh and groaned inside.

No, not again… the phrase repeated in his head like a mantra. This was too much physical contact after purposefully avoiding intense form of skinships with Jimin for many days now. His brain was going to malfunction at this point if Jimin didn't back the fuck up, of that Kim Taehyung was sure. But it seemed like Jimin had other plans. His hand kept inching up and then it was caressing the younger's thigh. Taehyung swore he had had enough.

Taehyung downed the shot kept beside Jungkook before standing up suddenly.

'I'm not feeling too well guys. I'll head back and get some rest!' he said politely and walked away before he could register the confused looks on others' faces.

'What the!?' Jin said, looking at the rest of the maknae line.

'I have no idea, hyung!' Jungkook said, shrugging at the oldest.

Jimin only shrugged animatedly before pouting and taking a sip of his beer. Though a look of concern and hurt crossed his eyes.

The same night, Jimin bid good night to his members in the lobby as they headed to their separate rooms after reaching the hotel. Though Jimin's destination was definitely far from his own room. He went through the corridor turning right and heading to the last door. The fact that Taehyung had requested a room at the far end, secluded from the rest, had its own implications which all the members had just decided to ignore. It was difficult to be patient and understanding towards others for an extended period when they all went through the same grilling. They understood each other's pain but at the same time, being selfish at times was a prerequisite to their sanity.

Jimin walked over to the door with purpose. Sure he was a bit drunk, but not enough to not know what he was doing. He had borrowed an extra card key from their managers, assuring that he wanted to check on Taehyung and see if the younger was fine. He swiped it against the beeping light and the door opened. Jimin stepped in, closing the door behind him and locking the latch. He was a man on a mission and he knew what he wanted at the moment.

'I'm ok. Just needed some space, hyung-nim.' Taehyung voiced, looking out the glass window.

'When will you stop running Taehyung-ah?' Jimin said, stepping towards him as the younger looked back, eyes widening in surprise.

Taehyung cursed internally and turned away. He was not ready for another encounter with Jimin; not after the events earlier. He had come back to the hotel and retired to his room with a semi hard-on. The only solution Taehyung saw was an ice cold shower which had just barely managed to temporarily relieve the itch under his skin. His mind was blowing up. While he knew it was wrong, for him to feel that way for Jimin, his team member and more importantly a committed man, his body didn't recognise any of those rational thoughts. And he had been fighting this losing battle for so long that he was afraid that he'd lose it and do something he and Jimin might both regret. Not to mention the devastating effects it would have on their friendship; which was suffering as it is.

Notes:

Again, thanks for all the support and love! Let me know how you found this chapter. Leave a kudo or a comment, everything is welcome. They really make my day and motivate me a lot.
I'll keep trying my best to post more often and try to do justice to the story.
Lots of love ❤️

P.S.- Would you like the next chapter from Jimin's pov or Taehyung's, or should I go half and half?

Chapter 9: Chapter 7

Summary:

Maybe they would never be the same, he was sure of it. And while the thought was legit, what would happen might lead to his destruction in worse ways than Taehyung could ever anticipate.

Notes:

Wow! So, I don't have words to express how thankful I am for yall guys support and love for this story and also for me. Thanks for all the encouragement and support, it has helped me a lot. And so, here is a slightly long chapter which I was able to finish thanks to 'tear' and youtube song playlists. This chapter is all vmin, a bit heavy on smut, but also sets precedent for how their sexual relationship will be. I really hope you like it.
Also, many thanks for 2.5k hits and almost 100 kudos. That's like, it feels so surreal. I'm grateful!

Enjoy!!!

'Jimin-ah.' Taehyung said acknowledging the other's presence.

'You were not expecting me.' Jimin said, taking a few steps to the middle of the room.

'I thought it was Namjoon hyung or Jin hyung.' Taehyung said coldly, keeping his gaze on the scenery from the window. He could see the image of Jimin faintly reflecting from the glass but decided to ignore it.

'Sorry to disappoint you.' Jimin said bitterly. The coldness in Taehyung's demeanour was not sitting right with him. He was feeling angry and agitated and frustrated all at once. Technically, he knew Taehyung had not done anything wrong per se. And in his head, he had reasoned that Taehyung left because he wasn't feeling well. Therefore, as the younger's friend, it was only his duty to check up on Taehyung. But the situation was leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.

'Not tonight Jimin-ah! I can't deal with any of this shit today. Please!' Taehyung winced. He didn't know what he was even feeling. He wanted to push Jimin away, throw him out of his room and thoughts as well. But Taehyung also wanted to fuck the living daylights out of his friend; with all the sexual tension that was thrumming in his blood and has been for some time. He also wanted to drown himself and soak his brain in some holy water to maybe cleanse it of all these impulses. There was only so much conflict and confusion one could keep inside before it lashed out in one form or other. And Taehyung, as gentle, warm and caring he was, there was a more wild, impulsive and raw side of him which he felt was better left under covers.

'What do you…? Can't I come and check up on my best friend who ran out without a word? Is it a crime to want to talk to you or spend time with you? Is it a crime to want my best friend back? Because for weeks and months now, you have been conveniently ignoring me. We haven't talked or did anything we used to. On camera, our friendship is the same as it used to be but behind it, nothing is the same. And I'm not even sure what or why or even how to fix it.'

'Min, please don't do this right now.' Taehyung said, clenching his jaws. Things were imploding and he didn't like where things were headed.

'Why? Why shouldn't I? Why the fuck not? I only want you back and all you do is ignore me or run away as if I am a plague. It feels... I don't even… I don't like it Tae. I just want my best friend back and how things used to be. I don't even know what or why this has changed.' Jimin said, his anger giving way to a sense of defeat in his voice. Taehyung closed his eyes, and when he opened them, there was only fire in them.

'Oh really Jimin-ah!? Are we gonna play this game now?' he asked, his voice deep and menacingly cold, something which sent shivers down Jimin's back. He had never really heard Taehyung talk like this.

Taehyung stood up and turned towards Jimin. His face was dark and his posture had straightened. Jimin could feel his heartbeat quickening as he blinked at this version of Taehyung he wasn't really that well acquainted with.

'You, YOU don't know why this is happening!? You don't know why I am acting this way? You just want your best friend back Jimin, huh? Is that all?' Taehyung asked in an icy tone with a hint of a smirk as he came to stand in front of Jimin. The older one only nodded before Taehyung laughed sarcastically.

'Such a bloody liar. I don't know if you are really dumb Jimin or just playing dumb.' Taehyung asked, returning to gaze intimidatingly at Jimin.

'Tae, I don't understand…'

'Oh for fucks sake Park Jimin. Knock it off ok. You say I have been ignoring you for no reason whatsoever as if I am the one who is being an asshole. What have you been doing then Park Jimin, huh? You say you just want your best friend back. I say that's shit. That just platonic line has far been crossed and you know it. I have been trying to respect whatever the fuck is going on in your relationship with Charlie and everything. I've been there every single time. But now, things are too fucked up Jimin-ah.' Taehyung breathed out before releasing a deep breath and closing his eyes to calm down before turning around and walking toward the window.

'Tae, I…'

'Save it Jimin. I can't deal with you right now, please.' Taehyung said. He was being tough but inside, there was a whole new level of a whirlwind of emotions raging.

'It was intentional.' Jimin said suddenly before wincing mentally. Taehyung, who had been trying to calm down, faced back, confused by the statement.

'I did all of it on purpose, kissing you and even tonight. Except for that first time, all of it was intentional.' Jimin admitted, looking down at his shoes.

'What the…' Taehyung felt the air getting knocked out of his chest. 'Why would you?'

'That time when Charlie and I broke up, and then I got drunk and kissed you. I don't know but it felt good Tae. It felt good to be kissed by someone who cares. I felt confused afterwards, not really knowing what to do. And then I… you are handsome Tae. Also caring and so, I don't know. I was attracted to you and things just heightened. Emotionally I was a mess and I… but when I'm with you, it feels good Tae. I wanted to feel good so I tried to. But then, that night, I really wanted you to fuck me. God Tae! And then you didn't and I felt like I was so foolish for wanting my best friend.'

'Things kinda went out of control. Charlie called me and then somehow we ended up patching. But this itch, inside me, didn't go away. I felt like I could drown it, pretend I didn't want you to fuck me and be okay. But then I can't. So when Charlie suggested an open relationship, I didn’t think. I didn’t think before flirting with you or before coming here. I don't want to think, Tae. I just want to feel good like I feel when I am with you. And I know it's weird and too much to ask, with how crazy things have ended up but I really want you. I just want you to make me feel good and forget about everything.' Jimin said releasing a breath he wasn't aware he was holding. He looked up at Taehyung whose face. He couldn't decipher the emotions on the younger's face but knew his own was probably filled with vulnerability.

There were so many emotions that were going on in Taehyung's head though. Confusion, anger, frustration, to name a few. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve all this. Looking at the glassy eyes of Jimin, he knew in his heart he was whipped for this person. He knew a lot of him revolved around Jimin and by the looks of it, vice versa seemed true as well. It was a push and pull of two planets as they orbited around each other among other things; the gravitational pull being strongest for each other though. Taehyung knew he loved Jimin long before all this happened, he always had. Sure it might not be the way it was right now but he had loved his best friend in many ways. And what was one more way?

And it seemed like Jimin had his own way of being pulled to Taehyung. With all that Jimin had spoken, Taehyung could gather that the older man was in a tough place. He knew Jimin still battled many of his insecurities and having an unsteady relationship with Charlie had often made it worse. While Jimin was sure that it would work out, it was tough to really see that happening. Taehyung could see that Jimin and Charlie were two different individuals and even before the jealousy and ugly feelings had reared their head, Taehyung still hadn’t liked how Jimin and Charlie’s relationship functioned.

Right now, he was angry at Jimin for being confused. For making Taehyung feel confused about where they stood and what he should do. He wanted to protect Jimin but he somewhere knew that it would backfire on his own heart sooner or later. From what all Jimin said, it was clear to Taehyung that while Jimin loved him and wanted him, it wasn’t on the same level as Taehyung’s feelings. It was clear that Jimin was emotionally volatile and not in a place where he could take Taehyung’s confessions. And no matter how badly Taehyung wanted to tell Jimin about everything that troubled him, have Jimin hug him and tell him that Jimin loved him the same way and be together; that all was just wishful thinking. Jimin wasn’t there yet and even Taehyung wasn’t sure he was at the place of confrontation; where he chose to confess or walk away. And so, at the moment, Taehyung decided to be reckless and selfish. He’d be there for Jimin and if his heart broke a little as he shut his emotionally wrecked side off; well he ignored that.

‘Are you sure about this Jimin-ah?’ Taehyung asked, his voice deep and gruff.

Jimin looked up at Taehyung before nodding and Taehyung let all his self-restraint fall apart. He pulled Jimin towards him by his waist, tightening his hold on the older’s hips before leaning into Jimin’s side and whispering.

‘I’ll fuck you so hard you won’t remember your name Jimin-ah! Would that be good enough?’ Taehyung smirked as Jimin stared at his best friend.

‘I…’ Jimin stuttered.

‘Use your words babe, yes or no?’

‘Yes.’ Jimin said and all the hell broke loose.

Taehyung pulled him in for a kiss, wrapping his hands around the older man's waist. Jimin, recovering from the slight shock, kissed Taehyung back, letting Taehyung’s body engulf his smaller frame. Both of their mouths were insistent and the kiss was laced with hunger and urgency. It was as if both of them had been thirsty for days and finally found something to quench their thirst with; each other. Taehyung pulled back slightly to peel off his shirt and threw it on the floor before resuming to kiss Jimin with more fervour. His lips were insistent and his hands gripping Jimin’s hip in a grip which hurt just enough.

Jimin moaned, his thoughts about everything else slipping away. The only thing he could feel was Taehyung and his warmth. The sheer presence of Taehyung put him at ease like nothing else did. It was like his soul knew that if he was with Taehyung, then he was safe. There was something about Taehyung that had always soothed his inner self. All he felt at the moment was how Taehyung had slipped his tongue in his mouth, unrelenting and intent on discovering everything, tasting every inch of his mouth and his soul itself. He could feel Taehyung’s hands roaming over his body, being everywhere and leaving his whole body alight. He could feel the high rushing over him and he didn’t want to let it go.

Jimin locked his hand around Taehyung’s neck as the latter picked Jimin up, his legs automatically wrapping around Taehyung’s torso as Taehyung gripped his thighs. Taehyung walked them towards the glass wall and pinned Jimin to it without breaking the kiss. Jimin was always amazed that no matter how closely one knew Taehyung, there was always one more layer. Taehyung wasn’t the most athletic person among them but he lifted Jimin as if the latter weighed nothing. And his hands, something which has always fascinated Jimin.

It had started as a joke a long time back and had gone on, the size difference between Taehyung and Jimin’s hands. It was something that always made Jimin go red in the face and get all shy about. But personally, he loved how tiny his hands looked in Taehyung’s. And being a fan of skinship and Taehyung, he would always slip his hand in the younger’s to be held by Taehyung. Taehyung’s hand would engulf his own and give him a small smile. It had become a habit since then, one which Jimin loved and Taehyung had loved to indulge. Things went haywire when, after sharing that first kiss with Taehyung and having felt how Taehyung’s hands had gripped his waist, Jimin couldn’t get it out. He wouldn’t admit it but imagining how well Taehyung’s finger would open him up while working himself up had led him to shed a tear or two and a very very satisfying orgasm.

And the very same hands were holding him up against the wall now. The thought made him squirm in the other’s hold.

Taehyung put him down and Jimin felt the loss of touch to be almost offensive. Taehyung chuckled at his pout before turning him around to face the glass wall, roughly pushing him before turning his attention to Jimin’s neck. He planted little kisses down the side of Jimin’s neck before coming to still at the juncture where his neck and shoulder met, nipping at the smooth skin. Jimin jerked, finding himself trapped between the glass wall and Taehyung’s torso. His mouth fell open as Taehyung pushed his body against Jimin, fervently nipping and biting at the sensitive spot. Jimin could faintly see their reflection and the scene turned him on more.

‘I’m not going to be gentle Jimin-ah. You can stop me if it gets too much, ok?’ Taehyung whispered and Jimin whimpered. Taehyung’s voice had become even deeper and it made the hair on Jimin’s body rise. He nodded and Taehyung tsked.

‘I just said you need to talk, use your words. This can’t work if you don’t communicate with me Jimin-ah.’ Taehyung said his grip relaxing which seemed to jolt Jimin.

‘No, yes. I mean yes, it’s ok. I’ll… I’ll let you know.’ Jimin said and Taehyung held him closer.

‘Good.’ Taehyung said and Jimin felt his insides melt at the praise. Taehyung quickly got rid of the flimsy t-shirt along with the rest of the clothing and shoes from Jimin’s body. Taehyung gave a light slap on Jimin’s ass before turning him around and pulling him in a kiss.

The cold glass touched Jimin’s back and made a shiver run down his spine. That combined with Taehyung’s hot mouth on his own and his hands roaming around his body, teasing his nipples and gripping his ass, had him moaning loudly. Taehyung started peppering kisses along his jaw, down to his neck, marking his skin. Jimin felt himself slipping further in the pleasure.

'Tae… ahhh!'

'Mmmh… I've got you, Min!' Taehyung said as he put his lips on Jimin's collarbone, sucking marks. Jimin thrust his hips forward, trying to find some sort of friction to get some relief. He was painfully hard
and could feel Taehyung was not faring much better inside his loose pants.

‘More, please!’ Jimin breathes out and Taehyung stops, bringing himself to stand straight.

‘You’re awfully demanding, you know that!?’ Taehyung smirks at Jimin’s face which looks wrecked and Jimin can only look at the man in front of him. He couldn’t have ever imagined this scenario happening in reality. That this man in front of him was the same as his best friend.

Taehyung grabs his ass cheeks with one hand while his right hands come up as he places two fingers on Jimin’s lips. Jimin looks at the long fingers before looking at Taehyung while simultaneously opening his mouth and sucking on the two fingers. Taehyung gives a smug smile and squeezes his back, making Jimin to moan and giving Taehyung the perfect opportunity to further thrust his fingers into Jimin’s mouth. Jimin feels sparks going off in his body. To get to see this part of Taehyung like this, he couldn’t ever have anticipated this. The sweet Taehyung who always cuddled him seemed miles away from the devil incarnate that was in front of him. He had seen so many of their fans posting about their dualities and how it would literally kill them someday. He knew duality fine but always felt them to be exaggerations. Now, he got it. If something that could kill him, this would definitely qualify.

‘Let me get some lube and a condom.’ Taehyung said huskily, slowly pulling away when Jimin halted his movements. Taehyung looked at him in confusion.

‘No. There’s no… need. I’m clean and I should still be loose enough.’ Jimin said, hesitation clear in his eyes.

‘Is that how you want this? Are you sure?’ Taehyung asked, concern lacing his voice. Jimin could see the shadow of Taehyung he has always known peeking through.

‘Yes.’ he said and a small smirk slipped on Taehyung’s face.

‘Is that so, love? Well then turn around Jimin-ie! And make these wet nicely!’ Taehyung said while turning the shorter boy around and thrusting his fingers in his mouth.

Jimin coated his fingers generously, letting his saliva drip down the fingers as he makes sure to be thorough. Taehyung pulled his fingers back when he was satisfied before squatting down, keeping Jimin pushed against the wall with his ass sticking out. And just like Jimin was thorough in licking his fingers, Taehyung made sure he was more than thorough with opening the older’s hole. One, two and then three fingers thrust in him as Taehyung worked him open.

‘You’ve really got one hell of an ass Jimin-ah! So pretty and all for me.’ Taehyung said before biting Jimin’s back dimples. Jimin groaned, not expecting the move.

Taehyung pressed little kisses on his back while working him open slowly. While Jimin urged Taehyung to go faster, Taehyung would either bite him playfully or twist his fingers, pressing on the older’s prostate in order to shush him. The pace was mean, slow, precise and torturous. Taehyung was intent on teasing Jimin, who thought he’ll go mad any moment now. He didn’t think it was possible to feel such intense and painful pleasure but here he was with his best friend’s fingers shoved in his asshole.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, Taehyung pulled his fingers out and stood straight. Jimin winced at the loss but couldn’t wait any more to actually get fucked. He knew, while Taehyung was being a bit mean, the younger one also wanted to thoroughly prepare him for his bigger than average dick.

‘Tae please!’ Jimin whined and Taehyung chuckled.

‘Please what?’

‘Tae!!!’ Jimin turned around, still in half disbelief over how Taehyung was literally making him beg.

‘I asked you to use your words Jimin. You have such a pretty mouth, use it.’ Taehyung said, thumb caressing Jimin’s red plump lips.

‘Please fuck me Tae! Please!’ Jimin whined; not even recognising himself in the moment. This is definitely how his sex life has been; quite opposite in fact.

‘Hmm, I got you baby.’ Taehyung planted a kiss as he mercilessly shoved his length in Jimin halfway.

Jimin whimpered, his eyes fluttering to a close and his head dropping back on Taehyung’s shoulder. Taehyung nipped at the already abused skin as he shallowly thrust in Jimin, letting the latter get used to his size. Moans and whines flew from Jimin’s lips, repeating Taehyung’s name over and over as the younger thrust into him. It was too cruel, the pace. While it was precise, Taehyung hitting his prostate every thrust after he found it. It was making Jimin crazy. It was like drinking sweet alcohol laced with poison that drove you mad with every sip, stretching the band so thin till it broke. Jimin tried to thrust back his own hips, searching to build up the speed but Taehyung’s hands held him in a vice’s grip. The torture was maddening and yet, just what Jimin needed.

It had been him after all, who asked Taehyung to fuck him so hard he wouldn’t have to think. And being fucked by Taehyung now, there was no other thought in his mind except the need to chase the pleasure. And with Taehyung setting the pace and holding him up, thrusting in and out, Jimin felt so free and safe. He felt like he could just surrender. And that’s what he did, he let go, trusting Taehyung to take care of him. He lost himself in the pleasure and the warm presence of Taehyung. What followed was a series of mind-bending orgasms. Taehyung fucked him against the glass wall, making him orgasm before bending him over the chair Taehyung was occupying earlier and pounded in him with such strength and pace to make him tumble once again, filling him up. Jimin had expected the night to very well end there; only that it didn’t. Taehyung had taken him to bed and fucked him into abandonment so good that Jimin was sure he had forgotten his own name. And as he voiced this out to the younger who was cleaning him up, the younger only chuckled, saying he was a man of his words before Jimin fell asleep.

When Taehyung returned, he was met with the small form of Jimin cocooned in the blanket, fast asleep. Taehyung smiled grimly at the scene, looking around his room before looking at his friend. He wanted to commit everything to memory because he was sure something like this, something so good to be true, was going to be a singular event. Come next morning, he mentally prepared himself for the worst as he donned a pair of boxers and put Jimin in one of his oversized t-shirts and a clean pair of boxers. As he moved under the covers, Jimin naturally gravitated towards him, wrapping a hand around his torso and snuggling into Taehyung. Taehyung only smiled, a sense of bitterness already marring his thoughts as he prepared himself for worst-case scenarios. The worst, if it came up, would be that Jimin regretted the night and didn’t talk to him. They would never be the same, he was sure of it. And while the thought was legit, what would happen might lead to his destruction in worse ways than Taehyung could ever anticipate.

Notes:

Well well, what does the future hold for these two. I'm actually quite worried about how am I gonna write the future chapters. This chapter was so tough, especially the smut part because I don't usually write this intense smut. I was constantly worrying over if I wrote it ok, whether it conveys the angst, the sexual tension well or not. And then, writing the characters as I did, drawing parallels but then leaving the potential for more. Pardon me if it's not written well enough. I will keep trying to improve my writing quality and work hard.
Also, not sure about pov switches as I wrote in flow.
Let me know how you found this chapter. What do you think is gonna happen?
Leave a kudo and a comment, it really motivates me and helps.
Lots of love!!!

Chapter 10: Chapter 8

Summary:

The beginning of the end; or so it seems.

Notes:

Hi everyone! So wow, thank you so much for the support and love. The story is close to 3k and I can't even... It's like a dream come true kinda thing for me. Thank you for so much love guys, I can't tell you how much this means to me.
Here is a new chapter. I have gone back and changed few parts in chapters 1 and 2 which are now marked as prologue. I wanted to correct these for some time but was undecided on how to proceed with the plot. I actually started thinking of the plot before covid so that situation wasn't really gonna be a part of this. But then shit happened and I thought I'd include it. Now though, I feel the plot would proceed better if I stayed true to the original plotline. So I changed some parts where I mentioned the pandemic, nothing major plot wise.
Hope you enjoy this chapter too!

Taehyung woke up as soon as the sunlight fell on him, unbridled. He cursed, realising he had forgotten to close the curtains. He sat up groggily, moving out of bed to close the curtains and go back to sleep; it wasn’t a decent hour to wake up yet he felt. But as soon as he made a move to put his feet down on the floor, memories flooding back, he stilled. He hesitantly looked back at the other side of the bed, only to find it empty. Dread filled him up looking at the empty bed and he didn’t know if he wanted to throw the lamp off the bedside table or bury himself in the blankets and cry his eyes out. He wouldn’t lie and say that he didn’t doubt this was going to happen, but he had wished to have a conversation with Jimin about the whole ordeal where they both were sober and sane. It looked like he wished for more than his stars would allow. And even though he had decided to be prepared for the worst, it still hurt him badly.

Taehyung sat still for some moments then, trying to let it all sink in. He waited till the grogginess left him and memories became much more clear in his head. He could feel a headache approaching him and sighed, sinking further. He looked around the room and saw the clothes he had put on Jimin last night, folded and kept on the sofa. His own clothes though were strewn around and it reminded him of the bittersweet memory that was last night. If someone asked him, if he regretted last night and his actions, he would say deep down, he didn’t. He genuinely loved Jimin, whatever definition of love fit apt with it didn’t matter. But was he starting to feel it was a mistake; well, guessing from Jimin’s clear absence this early in the morning, he’d have to say it was beginning to feel like one mistake.

He didn’t know what Jimin thought about it but if he had to make a guess, he’d say Jimin might not be so thrilled with his choices either. So, Taehyung decided to fall back on the bed and stay still. Maybe if he just stared at the ceiling without blinking, he’d just forget it all. Or somehow things would get better. Well, everyone knows it was just wishful thinking.

TING

Taehyung looked at the bedside table, noticing his phone chiming. He picked it up, though with what hopes, he wouldn’t delve into that. Opening it, he saw a vlive notification glaring at him. Jimin was doing a vlive. Looking at the older man's face on the tiny screen of his mobile did not aid Taehyung’s aching heart at all. He looked at how porcelain-like Jimin’s skin looked. Jimin looked like he had just stepped out of the shower, a sleepy look evident as well. Taehyung wanted to imagine that maybe this was the reason why Jimin left. Maybe he had to do a vlive and he needed to take a shower before that. But, they still had time left before their flight and… Taehyung’s head swirled around one possibility or another, but nothing soothed the pain in his heart as he noticed how makeup covered Jimin’s neck; the places where the marks of last night should have been. He felt a reality check slapping his face on why and how this, whatever it had been between them couldn’t go on a moment longer.

They have been best friends, each other’s confidant and safe place, soulmates even. But at the end of the day, they couldn’t be anything more than that because they worked together. And it didn’t seem like that even if it could, it would happen seeing how things have been between the two whenever anything remotely sexual happened. Their friendship and partnership seemed to be hanging by a thread and Taehyung didn’t know how much more they could pull on it before it snapped, hurting one or both of them in the process.

So, when Namjoon and Jungkook came to pick him up later, he put on a smile and pretended to still be high on energy from last day’s concert. He pretended to be okay when inside, he was falling apart. He greeted Jimin like he usually would have and seeing the relief pass in the older’s eyes was enough for Taehyung to believe that somehow this behaviour qualified. He ended up sitting beside Jimin and didn’t bat an eyelash, falling asleep listening to his ‘healing’ playlist, wishing songs could actually heal him. He wished that the reason he made his songs would work on him too like it did on his fans. Maybe the songs could take all his sorrow away and leave him in a peaceful state of mind. Paris by Chainsmokers happened to be the song that drove him to sleep. Though he remained unaware of how gently Jimin covered him in a blanket provided by the kind air hostess. He missed the kind emotion and a conflicted look that the elder held as he watched Taehyung’s chest rise and fall.

As the plane landed and they headed home, last night seemed a distant memory for Taehyung. He was sure that things were going to be going back to normal. He kept himself busy in the banter going around. Though he did notice that Jimin was a little in his head, a bit distant from the rest of the members. Taehyung put the concern away to worry about later for he himself had enough issues to ponder on and if he started that train of thought, it would surely lead him to a not so good place.

The next few weeks flew by with their schedules packed tightly. They had been on a break and work had only piled up. Paired up with increasing pressure for the final concert, new album and music, it was hard for any of them to even find time to breathe. Though it was hard, it provided Taehyung with a nice opportunity to bury himself in work and lock his thoughts away. He saw Jimin every day and it hurt him every time he caught Jimin on a call with Charlie or such, but it was easier to brush off as he danced till his body ached.

The final concert kept them busy for a while. The series of concerts draining every inch of their energy and yet leaving them with the satisfaction, none of them could find in anything else. The last concert had ended with most of them ending up crying onstage and the rest shed a tear or two as they left for their dorm. It had been a long day and while all of them were physically tired, the high from the concert was still live in their veins. Taehyung had taken a car alone, not wanting to be in anyone’s company for the ride back home. Things had been difficult for him but he was trying to manage. He knew he wasn’t taking care of himself as well as he should but when his heart and mind weren’t in the sanest place, food and sleep didn’t come easily. Working out till he broke came better to him than anything else; except maybe writing on the few occasions where his body protested too much.

He looked out the window and let the wind graze his cheeks. It felt nice, to be in the moment. He didn’t even think it was possible for his heart to ache so bad without much even happening. What had happened between Jimin and him in Saudi, was a one-time thing. It had been building since Jimin had first kissed him and ended with them fucking each other. A one-off thing that just happened because they were horny and drunk and frustrated; oh how Taehyung wished he could dismiss the whole affair like that. He was sure he could deal with whatever happened that night. He was so sure that he could handle going back to how things were. Seemed like he wasn’t and that broke his heart and self-esteem a bit more than he would like.

Reaching their dorm after a small dinner party which Taehyung hadn’t gone to, most of them were tired and headed to their own rooms. As they had the day off the next day, sleep seemed to be the best option. But it looked like Jimin had something else on his mind as he entered Taehyung’s room. The older man locked the door behind him as Taehyung looked up at Jimin from the bed.

‘What are you doing here Jimin?’ Taehyung asked, clearly confused. If he was being honest, he was fed up with all the confusion and uncertainty. He wanted answers but at the same time, he didn’t want to listen to anything the older had to say. It was the phase all over where he wanted to fuck the heck out of Jimin and at the same time throw him out; both for absolutely wrong reasons.

‘Tae!’ Jimin sighed in relief before approaching him and crawling over Taehyung’s frame, catching him in an unexpected kiss.

Taehyung’s body seemed to respond automatically, leaning back as his hands moved to Jimin’s waist. Jimin pressed in him, insistent and urgent in his actions. Taehyung dug his hands in the older’s waist a bit, trying to ground himself and his mind. He was taken aback by Jimin’s actions, not anticipating this after he had thought that things were over for good. As Jimin’s mouth moved to kiss his jaw, Taehyung seemed to shake himself out of the haze and turned them around, pinning Jimin under him.

‘What the fuck Jimin?’ he asked, more confused than ever. Jimin looked at him with a dazed look, and it was very hard for Taehyung to ignore how good the older looked at the moment.

‘I want you Tae!’ Jimin said in a whiny tone. It was apparent that the older was tipsy.

‘Jimin, you’re drunk. C’mon.’ Taehyung said, withdrawing from the older man before Jimin held his wrist and pulled him back.

‘I am not drunk Tae. I want you and I know you want me too. You can’t lie to me Tae; your eyes are far too expressive.’ Jimin said bringing his hand to tuck Taehyung’s bang behind his ear. Taehyung looked at Jimin, not even registering much else apart from how wrecked the older looked.

‘Jimin-ah! We’re not doing this, ok. You are clearly drunk and out of your mind. Let’s get you to your room so you can sleep.’ Taehyung said firmly, holding Jimin’s hand still before standing up and making the older sit up too.

‘Yeah, I’m drunk, so what!? That doesn’t mean I can’t sleep with someone, does it? I’ll just go and find someone else!’ Jimin snapped, standing up to leave before Taehyung pushed him back to sit on the bed.

‘What the fuck Jimin?’ Taehyung shouted back, not understanding where any of this was coming from or where the thing was going.

‘What do you mean what the fuck? I want to get laid and so I’m gonna find someone to get laid with. Because clearly, you don’t want any of this. It’s not like you want to fuck me, is it?’ Jimin snapped back, smirking at Taehyung as he shot the question.

‘Seriously Jimin? Are you really gonna throw it in my face now? You are in a fucking relationship with Charlie and then you want to go around and sleep with people. You are asking me to fuck you. I don’t know what’s going on in your mind but that’s seriously wrong, like, don’t even get me started.’ Taehyung said, feeling like his skin was crawling in on itself. For so long, he had been trying to mend his heart and how things were unfair, but the thing that he had fucked his best friend was starting to weigh more clearly now.

‘So what? It’s just sex. I love Charlie. But we decided to be in an open relationship because obviously we can’t see each other in person too much and both of us have needs. It’s nothing wrong Tae. I know how you see relationships but I am in an open relationship. I can have sex with other people and Charlie is totally ok with it. I don’t see what’s the problem here?’ Jimin said as if it was the simplest thing to understand in the whole world. And yet Taehyung couldn't understand it. His ears were ringing and his heart was pounding.

He took a small step back, still looking down at his best friend sitting on the bed. Jimin looked so nonchalant that it scared a part of him. What had he done and why? He recoiled inside thinking he didn’t have any moral ground either. And that scared him. For the past few months, he had kissed his best friend, given him a blowjob and had fucked him. All the while Jimin was in some sort of relationship with Charlie. He wouldn’t say he was even going to try to understand their relationship because it didn’t make sense to him inside. But what was really striking him now was that all this time, Jimin had been in love with Charlie; what kind of love that was.

Jimin slowly stood up and moved in front of Taehyung. The older smiled softly at Taehyung, grabbing hold of Taehyung’s hands. Taehyung looked down at their hands and he didn’t feel anything, not yet.
‘So it is just sex?’ he asked, feeling dumber by second. He looked Jimin in the eye, the shades of which he was more familiar with than his own eye colour. He looked at Jimin’s face, seeing the slight flush from alcohol that had spread. He could feel it inside, the numbness he felt inside was just the calm before the storm. Looking at Jimin, he knew it. He could sense it but inside, he was still begging for it to not be true. He was begging the imaginary angel he always thought of, to make Jimin say no, to make JImin refuse that it was just sex and nothing else. He was desperately begging for Jimin to finally come to his senses and either choose him or reject him in every way. He was on the last fringes of his sanity and he knew doom was near and yet he begged.

Though it wasn’t enough as pain rippled through his body like somebody had stabbed him when Jimin nodded with a small smile, conveying how relieved he was that Taehyung was finally getting his point. The thing was, the only thing Taehyung was registering was his heartbreaking down bit by bit, each part burning up and being erased from existence as things dawned on him. It was just sex, all of it. Just sex. Nothing else. Scenes flashed through his mind, of them kissing, of them being tangled in each other. And all he could do was cry inside as Jimin pulled him in a hug.

‘I know you must have been feeling bad and so I was scared to approach you. I talked to Charlie and he told me he was with it all.’ Jimin said, hugging him tighter.

‘He’s really ok with this? Us?’ Taehyung asked, his voice all raw. He was feeling so much that it was difficult to tell what he was feeling exactly. He felt his gut being stabbed, over and over and breathe was difficult to come by.

‘Yeah! Why wouldn’t he be? You are my best friend after all. He knows I am safe with you and so do I.’ Jimin replied back, breaking away from the hug.

‘No, just asking. I’m just…’ Taehyung stopped mid-sentence, unsure of how to continue. The things he was feeling in his heart, the enormity of it would be lost on anyone it seemed. He could understand the concept of open relationships, or at least he could try. He could get it all and be understanding. But to know that Jimin wanted him, but it was just for sex and nothing else, that hurt him more than he could ever anticipate.

If it was rejection, that Jimin didn’t like him at all apart from as a friend, Taehyung feels he would have been ok. If Jimin was downright cruel, proposing a one-night stand and then leaving him, it would still be ok. If Jimin didn’t have any feelings for him, and vice versa and they had met as strangers, it would still have been ok. But this, this was downright cruel. His friend loved him, Taehyung knew that. Jimin loved and cared for him, and Taehyung did too, just not in the same way.

Taehyung didn’t register the rest of the night, not really. He was there, yes. But he wasn’t there at the same time. Jimin had taken him by hand and sat him down, crawling on his lap and hugging him, before training kisses up his jaw. Taehyung’s body had just reciprocated. He could feel his body responding, putting his pent up energy and fire in turning Jimin around and fucking him hard. He had made Jimin moan out his name as he pounded the older man, setting a brutal pace. Jimin had just encouraged him and taken whatever Taehyung gave him. But Taehyung wasn’t really there even as they both were joined in the most intimate ways. His mind and body were, but not his soul. Taehyung felt his soul had left him long before he fell asleep, exhausted and sweaty.

Notes:

Don't shoot me, please. I am extremely guilty of making Tae suffer so badly in all my stories but please know I love him so much. He's my bias in fact! But yeah, this chapter was just the starting of the main angst part. This will only escalate and so will Yoongi's part. We are finally coming back to the parts Yoongi thinks about in the prologue chapters. I feel we are finally back on track with the timeline and so thinking forward has been easier. I'll try to upload it soon!
Please leave a kudo and comment, they motivate me greatly!
Lots of love!

P.S.- Please don't hate on Jimin, he's not a bad person. He has his own stuff to deal with and you will see. Tae isn't a saint either or a damsel in distress that is done unfairly by Jimin. I mean to an extent but both of them are complex characters with good and bad inside. Please don't see the characters in black-white binary.

Chapter 11: Chapter 9

Summary:

Self-reflections. And Yoongi makes an appearance in the situation now.

Notes:

Hi everyone! Thanks for all the love and support. I can't believe it's already 3.2k hits and 130 kudos. like that's crazy!
So here's a bonus chapter as thanks. It sets up the background for future events and angst.
Hope you enjoy it!

The next day didn’t do much for Taehyung as he woke up alone, again. The other side of the bed was cold to touch and he could tell it must have been some time since Jimin left. He’s not sure he remembers, as he was sure a part of his consciousness had left him the moment Jimin straddled his lap last night. He went through with the motions but inside, he felt nothing. And lying in his bed like this, alone, he wondered if anything could ever be more miserable. Though he would realise there were many more things that would hurt much more than waking up alone.

He turned over and grabbed his mobile, checking the time as he rubbed his eyes. It was still early enough. He put the device down as he ran his hands over his face and hands. A raging headache was on the brink and he was sure he wouldn’t be able to continue sleeping even if he tried. He didn’t know how much more he could handle, and yet, his heart was set on being a self-destructive time bomb. His thoughts were scattered and everything started flashing before his eyes as he closed them. Heaving a sigh, he got out of bed and headed to the washroom. Hopefully, a shower could fix his headache because lying in bed was not going to get him anywhere.

After getting fresh and taking a shower, he stood in front of the sink, taking in his reflection. His hairs had grown longer and his frame far too thin. A niggling thought came about how his Grandmother would have disapproved of him losing so much weight and looking so gaunt. He chuckled bitterly. She wasn’t here anymore to nag him or to listen to his worries. He hoped she was somewhere a lot better and shoved thoughts about her to the back of his mind. Doing his routine, he could feel the darkness nagging inside him, flashing his fears to him, taunting him in face of his insecurities.

Taehyung smiled sadly. The last few months had done nothing but push him towards darkness that wasn’t desirable. He realised how empty he felt, how ‘pushed against the wall’. He wasn’t a person who shared his worries or even wanted to. He felt it would only burden the other person and that he’d end up making them miserable as well. When he found Jimin, and as their friendship grew, he had shared the same vulnerability with the older. They had promised to be there for each other, no matter what. They had vowed to not overthink or think at all and just talk about whatever bothered them, no filters. But since this thing started, he felt he had gradually lost his closest confidant.

Jimin used to be there for him like no one else was. Jimin understood him like no one ever did or could; except his late Grandmother. When Taehyung was with Jimin, a part of him was always happy. No matter how much they yelled or fought, he was still happy. He remembers how he used to be so elusive as a person. It has always been difficult for others to get him because they weren’t attuned to him. He sometimes felt he saw the world with crooked glasses, not in line with how things are supposed to be. He would look up at the sky and while others saw figures in clouds, he thought how clouds were feeling. People would look at nature and wonder, while he would close his eyes and try to grasp the energy of the forest. It was different but that’s how he saw the world.

It had been difficult for him to, then, learn the ways of the world. Learn to see the world as was expected by everyone. Growing up, he learnt how to be like everyone else but that was one facet of him. He had trouble truly being himself but also how he was expected and that dialectic often pushed him to act in a way that most wouldn’t get it. Jimin hadn’t either. He was a dance student who conformed to many beliefs. He liked order and techniques. And so when they met, they bickered, they clashed a lot. But they were each others’ only friends, of the same age. It pushed them to clank against each other till the cacophony turned into harmonious tunes.

Jimin had a harder time getting to understand him but he did. Jimin put in the time and patience to know him and be his friend. And over time, both of them just clicked. It was like over time, they rubbed off on each other and both of them evolved into a mix of what used to be Jimin and Taehyung. Jimin became freer with his thoughts and self, more forgiving to himself and animated. Taehyung acquired depth to himself, calmer; the quality of being everything he was but also much more. If someone asked who changed more, the answer to it would be both of them but also neither of them.
Their bond was hard-fought-for and very precious for both of them. That had been one of the reasons Taehyung never did anything about his attraction towards the older. While sexuality and sexual preference for him, he knew Jimin had a different journey. He had been there for Jimin’s trainee self when things didn’t click, the debut phase where everyone just tried too hard to be themselves, the lost phase and the phase where Jimin found the way to self-expression and acceptance. Their friendship was too valuable for Taehyung to act on his feelings. And so he had denied it, named it admiration and then buried it so deep, even Jimin wouldn’t find it. But then Jimin got in a relationship with Charlie and their breakups leading to that night Jimin first kissed him. Taehyung didn’t think things could tumble down so fast. He had tried to make a house of cards but it was doomed to fall. And so he did along with the cards.

Taehyung shrugged himself off of the train of thoughts. It was a dangerous line of thought and always would be. Bottom line was, Taehyung felt empty and alone. Because amidst all this drama, he felt he had lost the Jimin who used to be his best friend. He couldn’t go and pour his heart out to Jimin anymore when much of the cause of his agony was, unfortunately, the same person. He couldn’t tell Jimin how much he loved him. He couldn’t tell Jimin to break up. He couldn’t resist Jimin’s charms and tell him to back off. He couldn’t refuse Jimin but couldn’t ask for a whole relationship. He couldn’t tell Jimin to love him back.

---

Yoongi was sitting on the large armchair in the living room of their dorm, cuddled in himself. He had been continuously working on the upcoming album, writing lyrics, producing stuff and then he was in charge of the intro this time, which still freaked him out. So after a night of not so productive work, he lounged in their dorm, lazing about early in the morning. Stifling a yawn, he looked at the lanky figure creeping in the kitchen area. He squinted his eyes to see who the person was. Surely Namjoon or Hobi weren’t that height and Jin was just far too wide for him to be this person. But then none of the maknaes ever woke up before noon on their day off. And it was still what, 7 something in the morning. Even the older members hadn’t shown their faces.

‘Taehyung!?’ he asked, clearly seeing how the younger one flinched.

‘Hyung! Geez, you scared me!’ Taehyung said, shooting a glare in the direction of the older man.

He already had a bad headache and now the scare. Taehyung wasn’t sure his morning was going to get any worse. He went to the kitchen and pulled out some cereals, pouring some milk over them while looking at Yoongi. He didn’t think anyone would be up yet. How and why Yoongi was lounging on that chair was above Taehyung’s level of comprehension.

‘Are you going anywhere?’ Yoongi asked, sitting up. Taehyung looked as the older made his way into the kitchen to the fridge and grabbed coffee.

‘Uhm… Not sure. Why?’ Taehyung asked, taking a spoonful of his cereal.

‘You are never up this early in the morning so I thought. Nevermind.’ Yoongi said before making his way to the lounge area. Taehyung just stood there, eating few more spoons before disposing the dishes and walking away.

‘I’m off to the company hyung.’ Taehyung said and walked away, Yoongi still not sure what to make of this morning scene. He figured it must be his sleep-deprived brain trying to make connections.

So Yoongi went to his room and slept in till late. He had a nice lunch with the oldest of the group before he made his way to the studio at the company. It was only late at night when he saw Taehyung dancing, drenched in sweat, and dragged him home, that Yoongi realised that something was definitely up with the second youngest.

Yoongi went to his room, took a shower and dropped in his rolling chair, tilting back and squinting his eyes in concentration. It was an off day for them. Most members tended to sleep in and avoid going to the company; except him and Namjoon being the workaholics they both were. But even Namjoon hadn’t come today. And if Yoongi wasn’t feeling the pressure of writing a nice intro, he wouldn’t have either he supposed. But Taehyung, the precious boy who loved sleep and staying in bed all day if he could, he had gone to the company at fucking seven am. And he dragged the boy out late at night. By the looks of it, Taehyung had been holed up in the studio working all day.

He wasn’t discrediting Taehyung or his hard-working self but he couldn’t make sense of this behaviour, Yoongi was sure of that.

And if he thought back to how Taehyung looked, like actually looked, he shivered. The dulled-out look in Taehyung’s eyes, like the younger one, was in some other place that wasn’t really bright. Yoongi couldn’t make sense of it. And also why the hell would Taehyung be practising without any care in the world, not even noticing that the air conditioner was off or that he had showered in his own sweat. No, it didn’t match with the Taehyung he knew. Even how he behaved this morning, eating just a few spoons of cereal and he had noticed Taehyung had been eating less nowadays. Yoongi was sure that Taehyung wasn’t asked to be on a diet by the company. But he has gotten thinner lately. He had noticed how the wet clothes hung on his body as Taehyung had practised today. Something just didn’t fit right for Yoongi and he hated himself for not figuring it out yet.

But one thing Yoongi was sure of was that Taehyung was hurting, so bad that he was punishing himself for it. And Yoongi really hated not being able to help but he wanted to observe the younger more before he even tried to make a move. The best way would be if Taehyung came to him on his own accords but that looked unlikely. Yoongi could only wish that nothing bad was going on as he went to sleep.

Notes:

Yessss, Yoongi is here now! The plot has finally come to the time which Yoongi had been thinking about in the prologue. Not much vmin stuff here but yes, self-reflections and lots of thinking, as a build-up for future events and also to give insight into the character's journey and mind, especially Taehyung. I hope it makes sense why he did what he did and what he will do.
Also, to be honest, I just poured out my heart for this chapter. So, I really hope you liked it.
Stay tuned, more vmin to come in the next chapters!
Leave a kudo or comment, I'd love to hear about your responses. They motivate me a lot too.
Lots of love!!!

P.S.- for Tae and Yoongi interaction, major inspo from In the SOOP... I live for Yoongi in In the Soop!

Chapter 12: Chapter 10

Notes:

Hi everyone! Thank you guys so much for 4k hits and 150+ kudos. You guys are just the best.
Here's a new chapter that is very heavy on vmin and smut too. Not too much angst on its own, though it is kind of embedded in this story.
I tried to show how the sexual relationship dynamics are between Tae and Jimin. I hope it comes across as what I wanted it to be.
Sorry for the late update. I'm trying to work at a pace that is suitable for me. It's not the fastest but I don't want to compromise on either the quality or my mental headspace. I hope you can be understanding of it.
Also please ignore the grammatical mistakes.

Hope you enjoy it!

The next few weeks went in a familiar fashion for the group. Their days were filled with practise sessions, meetings, recordings and schedules. Things weren’t as hectic as they used to be because their album was postponed to February of the next year. But, there was plenty that occupied their time. Taehyung’s days went by in a flurry most times, and intentionally so. He tried not to overthink or even think at all. He just followed the schedule and then practised till he felt exhausted enough to fall dead. All the while, he also smoothly ignored Yoongi’s questioning looks and confused stares. The older tried to keep checking on him as much as he can, but that is difficult to do when Taehyung went out of his way to ignore the older.

Amidst all this, there were nights where Jimin slipped in his room discreetly. Those nights, Taehyung felt all the conflict pool up in his guts. And with that, came his darkness and he ended up fucking Jimin every which way. He let himself go because it was tough to sort out his emotions and not to mention the whole situation he found himself tangled up in. He felt ashamed of himself for giving in to the temptation and for continuing to have a sexual relationship with his friend for all the wrong reasons. He felt so frustrated because he couldn’t understand why they were doing it. Sexual gratification and release is one thing but he believed himself to be better than that. He always thought that if he had an intimate relationship with anyone, it’d be based on love and intimacy. But, on most occasions, he found himself having sex just to slip away from reality and have a release of some kind. And then there are occasions where the sex turned on a whole different dark part of him.

On those days, the touches were harsh, the bites replaced the nips and bruises replaced marks. None of it was non-consensual and he had come to realise that Jimin craved such experiences. But it didn’t make Taehyung less angry and disgusted with himself because, in a way, he was being unfair to Jimin. He never wanted to hurt Jimin in any way, and so he always made sure to ask for consent if they tried something new. But sometimes, a raw side of him came out and Jimin only encouraged the whole thing. A part of him was not so sure about the power dynamics they continuously brought into the bedroom. Taehyung liked it, the control and power and rush he felt at those moments. But then at the same time, it felt wrong too for so many reasons. He had always wanted to explore things like this with someone he loved. He wanted every such encounter to have a meaning. He loved Jimin. In all the touches, in all the kisses and thrust and pulls and nips and huffs and all those nights, he loved Jimin in every sense and way. But what hurt him the most was, Jimin didn’t.

It’s one of those nights where Jimin was clinging to Taehyung in an extra way. No one really batted an eyelash at the two friends as this has been a norm for them for many years now. It was nothing new to see the two being attached at hips and clinging on to each other while being irritatingly sweet. They shrugged it off as Taehyung and Jimin being themselves, and it is what the scene would look like; Jimin hugging Taehyung or falling over Taehyung’s lap laughing or just draping himself over the younger. But Taehyung knew what was up. Jimin’s actions had an underlying mischievous tone, trying to rile him up by annoying him. Taehyung could feel the lingering touches and teasing smirk on Jimin’s face.

They continued their dance practice and Taehyung could literally feel Jimin’s eyes lingering on him in the mirror. He tried to be nonchalant about it, ignoring much of such actions. But that only made Jimin try harder to get his attention. After an hour or so, the practice finally concluded, and all of them fell down trying to catch their breath. And Jimin just happened to fall over Taehyung. Taehyung was so exhausted that he didn’t bother to push Jimin off. Rather he closed his eyes and let his mind drift to how it’d feel if he could just wrap his hands around the older and bury his face in Jimin’s neck. No one would really question it if he did it at the moment, but the action wouldn’t mean what Taehyung ached to feel. And he wondered what type of hell he had signed himself up for.

After a while, some of them went for recording while Namjoon and Hoseok headed to meet with their producers. Yoongi noticed how Taehyung was lying in the centre of the practise room as he had been, with Jimin lying on top of him. Looking at the younger boy, Yoongi felt uneasy. He could feel it in his bones that something was just not right. But it frustrated him to not be able to figure it out. And knowing Taehyung, asking him would only get him a blinding smile and ‘I’m ok hyung!’ from the younger.

For a moment, he wanted to just ignore everything and pretend everything was fine and dandy. Maybe let Jimin handle whatever it was for the two members were closer. He was under extreme pressure too, as he was one of the main producers for this comeback and he would rather not deal with emotions. But from what he had observed from the past few weeks, nobody else acted as if they had noticed that there was certainly something wrong with Taehyung. Sure thing that he himself might not have noticed it had it not been finding Taehyung that night in the studio. But surely someone else must have noticed it. After all, there were members who were more sensitive in regards to such things. But he also knew that if any of the other members had noticed something was wrong, they would’ve called a group meeting or maybe went out separately with Taehyung; and none of it had happened. So, it seemed like only he had noticed it somehow and knew he just had to do something about it. For the time being, he left a bottle of Taehyung’s favourite drink beside the younger’s phone and made his way to his studio to work.

‘Everyone’s gone!’ Jimin announced gleefully. Taehyung only grunted in response.

‘Taehyung-ah, c’mon, get up. Let’s go home and have some fun.’ Jimin said crawling over and Taehyung gave a rueful smile. Some months back, he would jump at the opportunity too. Because back then, they’d go home and watch movies or go out to a park or get up to something playful and fun with the night ending in giggles and laughter. Now, the words held a very different connotation.

‘We have a recording session tomorrow.’ he mentioned, hoping to shrug Jimin off. While his body felt the electricity as Jimin moved over his body, his heart, it felt sad in a way that was incomprehensible to him.

‘Exactly my point Tae. You won’t need to worry about going soft on me!’ Jimin said with a hint of mischief.

‘What about your voice?’ Taehyung asked and Jimin came closer to his ear.

‘Well, you can just gag me then!’ Jimin said with a smile as he got off Taehyung.

An hour later the older found himself naked with his hands tied with a belt and a bandana tied over his mouth, sitting on Taehyung’s bed. He tried to make a noise but with Taehyung standing a foot away, looking at him with a predatory look, Jimin sat still. Taehyung smirked at the action and sight of the older. Something darker was running through his veins and the sweet disposition went out the window. His demeanour was shifting and he let himself slip in that headspace. At times it worked wonders for him to feel in control of each and everything, just like in that moment, because most of the time, he felt so helpless with the whole thing that had been going on.

‘Cat got you tongue Jimin-ah?’ He asked, voice dropping down an octave. Jimin only shifted in response, unable to do more than make bare noises.

‘That’s nice! No more of you complaining and demanding things as if you are in any position to just ask for things.’ Taehyung said sitting beside him and holding Jimin’s jaw with his hands.

‘No more being mouthy and impolite. You’re just going to take whatever I give you tonight.’ Taehyung whispered resolutely in Jimin’s ears and heard the older’s breath hitch. He gave a peck under the ear to show his approval of Jimin’s reaction before withdrawing back. Jimin looked at him in confusion and a tinge of helplessness making Taehyung chuckle.

Taehyung stood up and started taking his clothes off, giving Jimin a show. He went to get some lube from the table before coming back to find Jimin exactly in the same position. He smiled at that and went to the older one. Pressing a tender kiss to the side of his head, Taehyung motioned Jimin to get on fours. He shifted and found himself admiring the perfect arch Jimin’s back made as the older knelt. He caressed a hand down his back before landing a smack on his thigh. Jimin whimpered, making noises that sounded so melodious to Taehyung's ears.

Taehyung had always loved Jimin’s voice. Even back in their earlier trainee days, when none of them could sing as well as they did now, he had still loved Jimin’s voice. It was unique and so comforting to him. Taehyung remembers how he would insist Jimin to sing him something as they cuddled together on bad days. It had always soothed Taehyung. And over the years, Jimin’s voice had grown more breathtaking. Even in this moment, when Jimin wasn’t saying anything, his voice and the moans still sent shivers down Taehyung’s back. So he continued to caress the older’s skin, delivering slaps in between his exploration. Several slaps later, the older’s legs got shaky and his ass had turned red.

‘Look at you Jimin-ah, desperate for anything I have to give. Such a slut!’ Taehyung could hear the restrained groans Jimin let out, always weak for such mean comments and dirty talk. It came almost naturally to Taehyung when he was in this headspace but he had been a little surprised with how much Jimin liked it and how much they drove the older crazy.

‘Should I just leave you like this for everyone to see? Such a pretty slut just wanting a cock inside him.’ Taehyung said, leaning over Jimin's back, caressing his side. ‘Any cock.’ he whispers gently. Jimin makes garbled noises and Taehyung chuckles at him. Taehyung also allowed himself to get meaner when he was in this headspace, knowing Jimin actually liked the rough treatment sometimes.

Taehyung held Jimin by the waist and turned him over, trapping the elder under himself. Jimin’s face was holding a dazed expression and his eyes watery. Taehyung smiled as he placed a kiss on the tip of Jimin’s nose before getting the lube on his hand. He applied it over Jimin’s hole and started massaging the ring of tight muscles. Jimin shivered under his touch and began shifting under his ministrations. Taehyung took hold of Jimin’s tied hands with his left hand and placed them above the older’s head, giving him a stern look while holding him still. A lone tear fell down from the corner of Jimin’s eyes and Taehyung bent down to land a peck on the corner of his eye before pushing his fingers in Jimin’s hole. Jimin went taut under him, chest rising and back arching.

Taehyung held him firmly and he fingered the older man slowly. Jimin tried to thrash around as he increased the number of digits and pace, the pleasure as Taehyung’s fingers hit his prostate too overwhelming, but found himself trapped. He couldn’t do anything more than cry and make muffled noises. Taehyung used the knowledge of Jimin’s body to use and perfectly abused the younger’s prostate by massaging the tissue endlessly. He could tell Jimin was close as Jimin’s body became tense. Taehyung continued to work at the same pace, adding subtle shifts in the angles. And before long, Jimin went taut as a powerful orgasm hit him hard. Taehyung decreased the pace as Jimin rode the waves of pleasure and relaxed into the mattress.

Taehyung withdrew his fingers, shifting to the side slightly to look at the older’s tear-stained face. He had never understood how someone could look pretty while crying. But the first time Jimin had cried in his arms as he tried his best to calm his friend down, he had noticed how pretty Jimin looked with his tear-stained face. Jimin had hit him hard when he mentioned how cute Jimin looked with his nose and cheeks red and his face a bit swollen. But Taehyung had always felt so. He hadn’t been able to explain to either Jimin or himself why he’d feel that way, but he knew he did.

Jimin breathed heavily, closing his eyes. Taehyung couldn’t help but admire how nicely fucked out Jimin looked and it was turning him on, knowing he was the reason for Jimin’s state. Opening his eyes, Jimin touched Taehyung’s arm and Taehyung nodded before removing the gag and binding. As soon as that was done, Jimin turned over him and straddled him. Jimin captured his lips in a kiss before taking Taehyung’s hard length and slipping it inside his hole slowly, letting himself adjust to the younger’s size. Taehyung groaned at the feeling of tightness enveloping him, holding Jimin by his hips. He caressed Jimin’s side, trying to distract him from the unease.

Jimin didn’t make eye contact with Taehyung as the younger bottomed out and Jimin started riding him slowly. Taehyung’s grip got tight as Jimin started to speed up the movement, throwing his head back. Taehyung could see that tears were still streaming down steadily as Jimin worked himself into overstimulation. Taehyung gripped his hips as he took back the control on pace and slowly let his length inside Jimin, before taking it out fully and then sinking again. Jimin's length was dribbling and he was making incomprehensible noises but didn’t utter a word. Taehyung smirked at how Jimin was still obeying his order, not speaking a word. The rush fueled his insides and movement as he increased the pace of their fucking. Soon, he found himself going rigid and emptying himself in Jimin as the older reached his orgasm too. The moment suspended as both their bodies grew taut, before Jimin fell over his chest, breathing heavily.

Taehyung placed a gentle kiss on the side of his head, staying still, knowing Jimin would need some time to slip out of his headspace. And till then, Taehyung held Jimin’s frame, still being connected. Taehyung wished he could stop the time at that moment, so somehow it could mean something more. But he also knew that a few minutes later, Jimin would detach his body from Taehyung’s, clean up a bit and leave with a dopey smile that meant nothing more. And come morning, he’d wake up to the bandana lying on his bedside table, reminding him just how warm the bed had been in contrast to how cold it would be then.

Notes:

Ah... This was such a difficult chapter for me to write, especially the smut part. I haven't ever felt like this so I'm not sure if I did ok. I won't say I'm super happy with it. And I also felt a sense of strange emptiness where your mind is so blank but you are feeling too much. I guess it is the vibe I wanted to go after, for how their relationship is. For Tae specifically, his mind slips in a kinda dom headspace which clears his head of conflict, but at the same time, he does feel so many emotions inside, and he actively tries to ignore them. I hope this chapter conveyed this. I feel I am clearly better at feelings than at smut per se, but I hope to get better gradually.
Also, everything was consensual. I mentioned how Taehyung does ask Jimin about things he is ok with or not. It is implied that they have done kinkier stuff before. Mentioning this in case you missed it.
Also, I hope you guys get that everyone has light and dark. I'm just trying to explore it in this story with these characters. please no hate.
I'll try to update soon. The story will progress faster now and more Yoongi too.

Leave a kudo and comment. it highly motivates me and makes me happy too. Feedback is always welcome.

Lots of love!!!

Chapter 13: Chapter 11

Summary:

Taehyung feels fucked.

Notes:

Hi there guys! A relatively quick update, lol. Thanks for the immense support and love. It means a lot.
This chapter is heavy on Tae and his thoughts. Quite important in respect to the development of his character I guess. I tried to portray the whirlwind of emotions he was feeling so I hope that comes across.
Hope you enjoy it!

Disclaimer- There is mention of substance abuse in the last paragraph. Feel free to skip if you are uncomfortable.

Things continued in the same fashion for Taehyung. Long days of working and then either coming home and collapsing or having a short fuck session with Jimin. His own thoughts were blurred and it felt like he was just following a long list of routine schedules. While he was getting some sort of a sexual release, most of his time with Jimin felt like another activity on his schedules. Time was a luxury they couldn’t afford so getting each other off had to suffice on many days. And even on the days, they did have time, the intimacy seemed to lack the fulfilment for Taehyung. He tried not to let it all affect his mood or the team’s synergy, but at times when he was too tired from acting like everything was fine, he started to lash out.

He tried to keep these to a minimum, and often went back to his parent's home when he didn’t want to deal with anything anymore. He was grateful that the members tried to be supportive and cheered him, thinking the hectic schedule was getting to him. It was normal to think so because the year-end was approaching. On top of their next album preparations, there were practices for year-end award show performances, shooting for advertisements and shows and tons more. The schedule tended to get overwhelming for all of them at some time. So even if someone had a random burst out or got snappy, it was understood that it was normal for any member to act so because of the pressure.

So Taehyung appreciated how his work provided him with an extra shield to hide his emotional state behind and the real reasons for his bad mood. But what Taehyung wasn’t expecting, happened. Yoongi came to his room one day and told him he was there if the younger one needed to talk about something. It was a short conversation that Taehyung decided to turn to a lighter tone at the end. He smiled at the older and made playful remarks, feeling lighter himself. But as soon as Yoongi was out of his room, he sat still on his bed. He wanted to cry but tears just wouldn’t come out. He felt conflicted and overwhelmed with the number of emotions he was feeling at that moment.

Taehyung was so thankful to his hyung for coming to him like this. It felt like so long since anyone had asked him if he was okay without directly wording the words. It felt nice to have someone care and have an idea about how he wasn’t okay even if Taehyung pretended to be. With Yoongi, he knew the elder cared for everyone but it was in a way that never pressured anyone to open up. If someone wanted to, they can go talk to him. But if not, his hyung wouldn’t make them feel that they absolutely needed to. He was so grateful for the presence of his hyung and his underlying worry. Taehyung wasn’t blind and knew Yoongi had been noticing him here and there. But to know that his hyung cared enough to put the awkwardness aside and approach him, the gesture touched him.

However, Taehyung also felt panicked, wondering if the others could tell that something was wrong with him. Yoongi was someone who wouldn’t force the truth out of him, Taehyung knew that. But others were different. All of them had different unique traits to how they handled matters of conflict. And even if none of them would say anything outright, even the knowledge that more than one member could sense something was wrong, it was a cause of panic in itself for Taehyung. Because he felt guilty and apologetic towards his members, feeling like he was bothering them with his moods and somehow being a burden to them. He felt ashamed that he wasn’t being the extreme professional he should be. He was afraid of their reactions and even to tell them what was going on. He was afraid some of them would catch on to his feeling and how he was a bad person who didn’t deserve any of their love. Because all that had been happening felt so wrong to him and he was worried others would think so too and be disappointed in him.

Taehyung had been feeling like a mess and he laughed at how things and his life seemed like so too. He fell back on his bed, letting his legs hang down from the knee. Looking at the ceiling, he let his mind wander. For so long, he had been burying everything he had been feeling. He had decided to avoid his feelings and just move on, not reflecting much on his emotions or what he was doing and why he was where he was. He had been feeling helpless and trapped. The visit from Yoongi acted as a wake-up call that he couldn’t function like this anymore. He knew his behaviour was affecting the group dynamics too and with his hyung noticing it, he knew things weren’t really ok. He himself was feeling hurt and miserable. Things were fucked up and Taehyung wasn’t sure where to even start thinking and sorting his feelings because even trying to acknowledge them earlier had hurt him. And he wasn’t going to lie and say that he wasn’t a coward in trying to just escape, run away from the feelings and from being hurt. It hurt him more in the process but sometimes we don’t realise we have been fucking up worse till it knocks us out.

For so long, he had been running from everything he was feeling and also everything he felt he wasn’t supposed to feel. It wasn’t limited to the time he had spent Jimin engaging in something of sexual nature. No, that was a recent occurrence compared to some other things he had been trying to outrun. The first would be the question of what he actually felt for Jimin and how he saw their relationship. So far, he had never dared to think of anything beyond them being best friends and members of the same group. The word soulmate has been tossed around here and there but he hadn’t taken it to imply anything different than what they had always been for each other.

If he were to describe what Jimin meant to him, it would take him days to even start. Yes, Jimin was his team member and best friend. But Jimin was so much more for Taehyung. He was the one who had always just been there for Taehyung. Even amidst all the bickering and fights and hardships, Jimin had been that one person Taehyung knew would always have his back. Jimin was just his, in some sense. Jimin took care of him, kept him in check and always motivated him. Jimin was just… Words failed Taehyung thinking of how much Jimin really meant for him over the years.

But it was maybe all this that kept Taehyung always burying what he truly felt. Sexuality was a topic the young Taehyung wasn’t much aware of and it wasn’t something that he was told as something important. Over the years, he still didn’t give it or label any weight. If he liked someone, he liked them. Labels had never felt right to him, whether they were of any kind. And so, when he had first caught himself looking at Jimin and thinking how amazing the other was, he had naturally thought of it as admiration rather than something that’d indicate his more intimate desires. No, Jimin was beautiful and just, his. He had always associated Jimin with the word ‘his’. His Jimin was beautiful. It was him and Jimin. Jimin was his best friend, his soulmate, his everything it seemed.

This feeling of associating Jimin as ‘his person’ always came naturally to Taehyung. He never questioned it and neither did anyone else. Jimin was also a naturally touchy and possessive person and the sort of admiration and bond they developed, their nature just never made them question what any of it implied for both of them. It was understood, it was organic. Nobody seemed to need to question their natural chemistry or a bond that was uniquely them. And it worked fine till other things came into play, namely the involvement of other people in their lives. For so long, it had been the seven of them and after few years, they had broadly figured out each other’s dynamics. But then they went out and experimented with dating and relationships.

Being an idol, it had been difficult as hell and probably why it took them so long to even think about such things. They had flings here and there but things always change. Taehyung couldn’t stay in any relationship and he never felt inclined to. He wasn’t missing anything in his life that he thought a relationship would offer him. He had his work which gave him fulfilment, their fans which gave him purpose and inspiration and adoration. And then he had his members and Jimin. Somehow ‘so and so’ and Jimin was how his thoughts worked. They gave him plenty of love and support and stability. So, in a way, he never really craved a relationship.

Jimin on the other hand did venture out and had few relationships which only lasted so long. And during those, Taehyung knew Jimin was still his, in a way. Even if he hadn’t really realised what he wanted that statement to mean and in what depth he felt its weight. But then Jimin started dating Charlie and suddenly Jimin wasn’t just his. There was this other person who made Jimin feel whole on some other level than what they shared. It had internally disturbed Taehyung if he was being honest. He had passed it off as his protective instincts. And because he never questioned his feelings, gradually, he made himself be okay with Jimin not being just ‘his’. And then things toppled down the moment he got a taste of what he had actually been craving but never knew the taste of. And suddenly everything was too overwhelming.

He had still tried to run away and he still was, to a large extent. He still didn’t know why he felt many things that he felt and he still didn’t have answers to many questions. In fact, he knew he was just trying to create a timeline of his feelings and still not asking himself as many relevant questions that he should. But his head was hurting as it was at the realisation of just how deep down his problems went. How his feelings for Jimin also entwined with his own insecurities and that bothered him.

Taehyung sat up, taking his head in hand and looking down at the ground. The enormity of his feelings and the reasons for his actions, decoding and deciphering them wasn’t easy on his already broken heart. Rationality is something that seems alluring and logical but when it actually comes down to raw feelings and emotions, one can’t afford to be rational most of the time. Taehyung knew he needed to think a lot more and deal with his own stuff before he tried to explain it to someone else.

Though, at that moment, Taehyung was sure of a few things. First, he loved Jimin. The capacity of that love was ambiguous even to himself. Jimin was his best friend and someone he relied on heavily in an emotional sense for so long. He knew this reliance and association always made him question just what his ‘love’ for Jimin meant. Taehyung knew he felt romantic love for Jimin too. In all the time they had been engaged sexually, he wanted romantic intimacy with Jimin too. And this duality in what he felt for the older did confuse him and made him second guess everything he felt.

He also liked Jimin as a person and as a lover. They were compatible in every sense, and this also puzzled Taehyung. He knew people had polyamorous relationships and it was possible to love different people in different ways. But his heart, it didn’t work like that. He couldn’t imagine being in love with more than one person. Taehyung knew that he wanted to be committed to just one person. He wanted to be the centre of the universe for that person. He wanted that kind of relationship.

Then what was he doing with Jimin right now. Well, he couldn’t quite understand it himself. He loved Jimin but he was also attracted to Jimin. If he was being honest, he’d always been attracted to Jimin, but the sexual attraction was something he had never let himself acknowledge for Jimin. Now, he was facing it headfirst. He knew he liked Jimin in a sexual manner. He loved having sex with Jimin. In his mind, numerous things went on even in those moments and guilt-wracked him. But he still enjoyed them. He might be insane for feeling so, but he liked how he could command total power and attention in the bedroom because outside, he always liked to give in to Jimin. He could never resist Jimin, he just couldn’t for some inexplicable reason. There was that too. And in total, he was fucked.

Taehyung shifted and got his Juul out. He felt like he was going out of his mind and needed something to ground him for a moment. His thoughts were a mess. He wasn’t able to get to any conclusion and knew that if things went this way, he’d probably go mad. Taking a hit, he tried to just stay still and be in that moment. He knew the habit was bad but he needed something, anything to ease his mind. His emotions were going haywire, his trains of thoughts colliding with each other and he was making one bad choice after another. But at that moment, he couldn’t care less because everything felt too intimidating and overwhelming. He wanted to figure things out too but it seemed like it would take a lot to untangle the mess he was in. Also, with their upcoming schedules, he knew he couldn’t throw a pity party or drag the group down in any way. For now, he needed to up his defences, keep up his pretence and just continue on as nothing else made sense.

Notes:

I'm quite nervous about your responses after this chapter. This was just a reflective chapter and I tend to add these a lot because, in a way, I go along with the characters too. I have a broad plot but how things play out in each chapter, I tend to go with my flow of thoughts. So, in a way, I am also thinking along with the characters about how things are unfolding. hope this explanation is making sense and why I do put a lot of reflection in this story.
Anyways, I hope you are enjoying it. For the next few chapters, there will be definitely more interaction, I promise. Also, vmin relationship might take a turn and there might be some surprises too. I guess we'll just have to wait and see how that unfolds.

Thanks for all the support. Leave a kudo and comment, let me know how you felt... it motivates me a lot too.

Lots of love!

P.S.- I try to educate myself regarding gender and sexuality dynamics the best I can. I also try to write things in a manner so I don't offend anyone, but if anywhere I do, I sincerely apologise. If you feel I need to read up on something more or am writing/expressing something in a wrong manner, please let me know. I'll be happy to correct it.

Chapter 14: Chapter 12

Summary:

Soft Tae!!!

Notes:

Hi everyone! Thanks for the immense support. The story has reached more than 5k hits and I can't thank you all enough for sticking with me.
A very very late update but studies have been hectic and I wasn't in the headspace for this story. Again, thank you everyone for being so understanding and supportive. I literally had to reread the whole story and by the end of it, even I felt like crying. Not anymore but still...
Anyways, hope you enjoy it!

Before Taehyung knew it, it was December already. They had been practising for the award show and rehearsing the whole day. By the end of the day, everyone was pretty exhausted and went to their own rooms. Taehyung had been on his way to his room when suddenly he felt a pair of hands wrap around him from behind. He looked down and knew the person to whom the small hands belonged.

‘Jimin?’ he asked, clearly not expecting the older’s presence.

‘Come with me Tae!’ Jimin said with a smile, dragging Taehyung with him to his room. Locking the door once inside, he pulled Taehyung in for a kiss.

‘Jimin-ah…’ Taehyung said, as the older started pecking his jaw. Jimin hummed, moving his mouth down Taehyung's neck.

‘I feel so pumped up Tae. Need you!’ Jimin exclaimed, placing kisses softly so as to not leave marks.

‘We have the awards tomorrow. We shouldn’t Jimin.’ Taehyung said, trying to hold the other back to no avail. Jimin only grabbed his black t-shirt and pulled the younger one closer.

‘I can’t wait Tae. I need it now, anything, please.’ Jimin whined in his neck, nipping behind Taehyung’s ear. Taehyung held Jimin’s waist tightly, melting in the older’s ministrations.

‘What do you want?’ Taehyung asked in a whisper, not believing his own words. He was in disbelief of himself but by now, he knew he always gave in to Jimin despite his moral inhibitions. He couldn’t seem to deny Jimin anything and this time was no exception.

‘Anything Tae! I just… Fuck me or whatever, I need something.’ Jimin said, clinging to him further.

Taehyung held the older as the latter’s hand roamed around the expanse of his body, almost rutting against him. It turned him on even more. Park Jimin was insatiable and when both of them came together like this, Taehyung felt himself getting lost even more. Either he gave in to the pleasure and let his instincts take over, mind going blank, or he’d work on autopilot, feeling numb inside even if his body reacted the way it did. The more this thing between him and Jimin continued, the more things seem to slip out of his control. What was worrying was, he didn’t know what was worse, because either way, he seemed to lose a part of himself and his sanity.

‘Get on the bed.’ Taehyung ordered, shrugging off his jacket and placing it on a chair.

Jimin followed his instruction, settling in on his bed. Taehyung walked up to Jimin, kneeling in front of him. Grabbing hold of the older’s thighs, he started massaging the flesh gently. Taehyung continued his movements, going up and down Jimin’s leg. Jimin looked down at him questioningly, clearly not expecting this from Taehyung.

‘Tae?’ He whispered, biting his lips.

‘I’m not gonna fuck you Jimin, not today. Our choreo is fucking hard and you are overworked as it is. I’m not gonna fuck you and risk you limping all day tomorrow, ok. Just relax and let me take care of you.’ Taehyung said, giving Jimin a small smile. Jimin looked at him in mild shock but nodded, leaning back on his elbows.

Taehyung continued to massage Jimin’s thighs gently before moving to his calves. The muscles all over were quite tense and Taehyung tried his best to work the knots out of them. Jimin groaned in between his movements, lying back completely as Taehyung pulled off his shoes and started massaging his foot. Jimin yelled out as Taehyung hit a particular sore point.

‘Hurts.’ Jimin whined and Taehyung smiled to himself.

‘Maybe you should take this as a sign to stop overworking yourself.’ Taehyung murmured, but it was loud enough for the other to hear.

‘You know I can’t. If I don’t practise enough, it leaves me feeling weird. Completely sets me off.’ Jimin complained, groaning as Taehyung continued to twist his foot gently but swiftly.

‘I know. Still Jimin-ah, you can’t keep abusing your body.’

‘I’m not brilliant Tae, I need to practise. You know that.’ Jimin said, sinking deeper into the mattress.

‘You are brilliant enough.’ Taehyung said, making Jimin shift his head to look at him. Jimin gave him a different look, a look of silent gratitude, one Taehyung knew very well. He just smiled back at Jimin.

Taehyung felt his heart beating rapidly. The scene was too intimate for him somehow. He felt his heart being overwhelmed. They had a normal conversation after so long. For the last few months, either they were flirting indirectly, or talking explicitly or fucking. The conversation outside this was limited to their work talks or light banter in front of cameras and members. They hadn’t had a light heart to heart for a long time now which made Taehyung overwhelmed by this conversation. Sure it was short but it was something much more intimate to him than much of their physical interactions. They were both in this and on a similar wavelength, something which he knew wasn’t the case even when they were entangled in each other’s embrace.

‘Don’t make me too relaxed now, lest I sleep. Hyung’s birthday is in a few minutes.’ Jimin said suddenly, shifting back.

Taehyung nodded, putting Jimin’s foot down. He smiled at Jimin one last time as he left, saying he would join them later in Jin’s room if he wasn’t asleep. Jimin only looked at his friend leaving before he plopped back on the bed. Things were indeed different now.

~~~

The interaction between Taehyung and Jimin gets minimal, with more focus on practice and rehearsals taking up their time. He notices Jimin looking at him differently at times but tends to ignore the looks in favour of his own sanity. The gruelling schedule had all of them working harder than before with little time to spare. And whenever Taehyung does get some free time, he spends it catching up on sleep in Yoongi’s studios mostly.

Yoongi has been kinder to him. The second oldest was definitely shocked when Taehyung had just one day come into his studio. No one knew the passcode except Yoongi, or so he had thought. But when Taehyung had asked him if he could stay, the older man didn't object. And since then, Taehyung kept sneaking to his studio whenever he felt himself running out of energy to commute to their dorm or to put up an act of everything being normal. Sometimes he took a nap and sometimes, he lied down and scrolled through his phone, jotting down some pieces or working out some lyrics.

Somewhere in the middle of their schedule one day, he got a message from Seo-Joon. Taehyung had kept his promise and written a song for the actor’s newest drama. While the song was still in the works, he had sent a part of it to the actor to get some feedback and to confirm with his team if the song could work as a part of the ost. Seo-Joon had sent him a fake crying selca with positive feedback and a screenshot of the conversation with the drama’s production crew. It seemed like everyone loved the sentimental song. Looking down at the messages, Taehyung felt himself tear up. He ran down to Yoongi’s studio, knocking for once.

Yoongi opened the door shortly, only to have Taehyung launch himself on the shorter male.

‘They loved it Hyung! I can’t believe it!’ He said, hugging Yoongi and swaying him side to side in his excitement.

‘Woah, what the hell happened Tae?’ Yoongi said, backing up inside and letting the door close.

‘I sent a song to Seo-Joon Hyung and he loved it.’ Taehyung said, excitement coursing through him. This was the happiest Yoongi had seen the younger one in months and so he indulged him and hugged Taehyung back.

‘I’m happy for you. Now if you could tell me what exactly happened.’ Yoongi said, patting the younger one on the back. Pulling back, Taehyung made Yoongi sit on the couch before settling beside him.

‘Hyung had asked me to write a song for his new drama a few months back. Obviously, I thought he was kidding but I sent him a sample song a few days back anyway, one I had been working on. He replied today and said he loves it. He even talked with his director and producer and they love it too. He’s asking me to feature on the ost as soon as possible.’ Taehyung said, eyes lighting up with excitement.

Yoongi took in the expression on Taehyung’s face, seeing him smiling so much after so long. It was enough to put a smile on Yoongi’s face as well.

‘Let Hyung hear it.’ he asked and Taehyung looked at him in mild shock.

‘Are you… You really want to hear it?’ Taehyung asked, sounding a bit unsure.

‘Yeah, why not. I mean if you want to only then.’

‘Sure. Just, it’s not completed or polished or anything. I have to work on that.’ Taehyung said, a bit timid, and rightly so. In his eyes, Yoongi was a genius producer. The older had produced so many of their songs and not to mention many of his own and for other idols as well. Taehyung had been a bit hesitant to approach him regarding songs, a bit self-conscious and unsure. Namjoon had been the one he went to mostly for help, so this was new for him as well.

But Yoongi had been nothing but patient with him. Taehyung knew Yoongi had noticed that something was wrong with him, that something was troubling him. But he had just been there as a silent supporter. And Taehyung didn’t realise when, but he had grown closer and just more comfortable with Yoongi’s presence gradually. He felt safe with his hyung and relieved too. With everyone else, he had to act a certain way as to not arouse suspicion or make anyone worry or mess up their group activity. But with Yoongi, he could just be still and ok at the moment, not act like everything was ok. Yoongi had just been there for him in a way that made him feel a semblance of normalcy. So he nodded, smiled and played the song.

On my pillow

Can't get me tired

Sharing my fragile truth

That I still hope the door is open

’Cause the window

Opened one time with you and me

Now my forever's falling down

Wondering if you'd want me now

How could I know

One day, I’d wake up feeling more

But I had already reached the shore

Guess we were ships in the night, night, night

Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah

Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah

We were ships in the night, night, night

Notes:

This chapter was relatively much brighter and I'm kind of digging happy Tae in this. Let me know if that is something you would want to read. I'll maybe think of writing fluff sometime. Lol...
Anyway, a short but happy chapter, and maybe this will continue for a bit. But rest assured, angst will be coming back (with a vengeance if I might say so). So, stay tuned.
Consider leaving a Kudo or comment, they really make my day!

Lots of love!

Chapter 15: Chapter 13

Notes:

Hello everyone! Again I would like to thank you all for the love and support.
I'll keep trying my best!

Enjoy!

‘I’m so proud of you Taehyung-ah! It’s really something!’ Yoongi said a moment after the clip ended, looking at the younger one with a fond smile.

'Really hyung!?’ Taehyung asked, a tinge of uncertainty lacing his voice. Yoongi just nodded and squeezed his shoulder.

‘Hmm… Have you told PD nim about this?’

‘Not yet. You’re the first one to hear about this.’ Taehyung said sheepishly. Though the admission shocked Yoongi more than he thought it would. He felt nice hearing that. He loved the younger one a lot, there was no doubt about it. But he knew that all of them had different dynamics with each other. And Taehyung and him, well, they weren’t exactly the closest with their personalities a little too different. It wasn’t that they didn’t have a bond but to say it wasn’t similar to what he had with Namjoon or what Taehyung had with Jimin, would be a better comparison. Nonetheless, he was endeared that Taehyung could rely on him enough to share things with him first.

‘That's, well. You should tell him and ask what he thinks about this opportunity. I’m sure he’d be proud and happy too. And he can guide you better in terms of completing the song as well.’ Yoongi said softly and Taehyung nodded.

‘I will hyung!’

‘Good! And if you need any help, well, you’re always welcome to knock on my door. It’s not my genre of music but I’ll help any way I can.’

‘Thanks, hyung! It means a lot, you know, your support. I’ll go now.’ Taehyung said getting up, giving Yoongi a grateful smile.

‘Hmm… See you around!’

And with a curt nod, Taehyung headed out the door. Yoongi sat still for a moment, trying to still reel in what happened. He was extremely happy for Taehyung. And the song had a lot of potentials. The song had such a sweet melody and Taehyung’s voice was just perfect for the lyrics. But Yoongi could detect the bittersweet undertones in the lyrics, and it became a bit more clear that Taehyung was going through something. Was it something related to his heart or relationships, he couldn’t say for sure? But it sounded very much like a heartache veiled as a love song.

Yoongi shook his head, trying to clear his mind. He had his suspicions but it would do no good to draw up his own conclusions without knowing the matter at length. He could speculate but wouldn’t know till Taehyung opened up to him. And that seemed less likely to happen. Yoongi knew he could just ask or get some help from members, but he didn’t want to force Taehyung into talking about something he didn’t want to. He didn’t know if Taehyung was even sure himself of what was going on with him and if so, was the younger even ready to open up. He wished that Jimin or Hoseok or even Jin had noticed this. They could make Taehyung talk, but Yoongi didn’t. Could be his own apprehension towards emotions and needing personal space which made him bestow it to others too. Maybe he should nudge Taehyung, but for now, he couldn’t bring himself to.

Though this event marked the start of Taehyung starting to spend time regularly in Yoongi’s studio to work on songs and lyrics after an affirmative nod from their CEO. The whole group had been happy for Taehyung and looking at the comparatively wholesome smile gracing Taehyung was a breath of fresh air. Soon, Yoongi found himself growing used to the presence of the younger around him. And it came as a surprise how well their working styles blended. Taehyung would lie down on the couch or sit down in front of it, papers scattered over the small coffee table, penning down lyrics and being busy translating and recording melodies and lines on his phone. Yoongi felt like he was discovering a new way of making songs because his and Taehyung’s methods were so different.

Then there were times when Taehyung went over to his friend's studio to record and work over other songs. Yoongi could feel the silence of his studio more gravely. He wondered why Taehyung wouldn’t work on his stuff in the studio assigned for vocal practises and had asked the younger about it. Taehyung just answered ‘I like the quiet here, hyung’ with a serene smile. The revelation had Yoongi taken aback, not expecting the words or the simplicity they held. Though he felt there was some deeper meaning underneath Taehyung’s words, the ability to put them forth so well had Yoongi grappling for words and trying to wrap his head around the complexity that was Kim Taehyung.

He supposed he still had a lot to learn about his dongsaeng.

 

Working on the songs took a lot of Taehyung’s free time from the official schedules he had as a member of BTS, which gave him a short and sure escape from the supposed moral disasters of his personal life. Burying himself at work made his insides a bit less chaotic and making songs more cathartic. As he poured his emotions and inner turmoil in penning down random lyrics and songs, he could feel the ugly feelings settle down a bit. He was no longer in constant agony but placid enough to actually take in his emotions. This helped him keep the urges to escape his reality through momentarily physical releases and also from seeking Jimin’s presence in general. Jimin had been his anchor for so long and when this relationship had started, knowingly or unknowingly, he had signed up for the loss of his anchor. The person who once grounded him became one of the reasons for the chaos inside him and it had been tough for Taehyung to come to terms with that, much less deal with it. And so he had sought escape from the situation altogether.

But having the new project, finishing his own song gave him an aim as an individual artist. His life had been so entwined with Jimin’s that it was difficult to not feel his presence everywhere and the pressure which came with keeping their sexual encounters under covers while working together and living together. Having a space in Yoongi’s studio aided him to distance his existence from Jimin as well as other members. No one really disturbed them and he was thankful for the quietness when his insides felt like a raging storm.

As Taehyung got more immersed in work, especially with this new project, the sexual encounters between him and Jimin. Everyone could see how hard he was working and thus, supported him in any way they could. It was also because their group schedules were getting more hectic which left them almost no personal time for anything. And while this lack of sex left an itch, it was better than the constant inner turmoil and guilt that had plagued him before. And the sheer physical exhaustion from their dance routines didn’t leave room for much energy.

Soon they were due to fly to the US for their New Year's performance. The whole office was abuzz with excitement and the members were pretty thrilled too. So much so that Taehyung almost forgot his own birthday if not for his members and staff preparing cake for him. The whole affair was small and he was thankful as well. Taehyung was filled with nervous energy and so were everyone else. So he didn’t think twice about others' actions and focussed on the work. What he didn’t factor in was waking to some pretty interesting birthday surprises when he went to sleep in his hotel room.

Notes:

Suspense, suspense... I'm sorry for the short chapter and leaving it like that. But I wanted to put out an update as a gift for you all who have been so supportive of me. I am trying to keep working consistently on this and not make you guys wait a lot. Also, the story is about to take some turns. I'm planning to make the future chapters longer so I can end the story with 5-8 chapters more, but we'll see.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this update. Let me know!

Lots of love!!!

p.s.- I'm really loving writing taegi in this ff. I never imagined enjoying it this much. Maybe something I can explore aside from this story... What do you guys think?
Also the next scene is *chef's kiss*... I just wrote it and well, good things will come...

Chapter 16: Chapter 14

Summary:

Jimin has some surprises up his sleeves.

Notes:

Hello Everyone! I'm back, relatively sooner this time. And with 6k hits, I mean, yeah, I'm too happy and writing more often and wanted to post this chapter. This chapter is definitely one of my favourites and well, you'll see why.
So, hope you enjoy it!

Jimin quietly crossed the corridor of the floor they were staying at. He had ordered his best friend’s favourite food items to his room and was currently carrying it on a tray he had borrowed from the housekeeping. As he reached in front of his friend’s room, he kept the tray down carefully before retrieving the card he had obtained from their manager and pressed it against the door sensor. The room clicked open and he smiled, holding the door open with his left leg as he picked up the tray and made his way inside making sure not to drop anything out of his own clumsiness. It wouldn’t be the first time.

As he made it through, the door closed behind him with a soft thud. He walked inside to keep the tray at the table provided in the room. Looking at the bed, he found Taehyung’s figure sprawled on the bed with the sheets twisted around his body like a vine on a tree. Jimin wondered what sort of dream Taehyung must have had to end up like this. He had noticed how his friend had looked troubled for some time now. It was impossible for him to not notice such a thing when he knew Taehyung like the back of his hand, or so he had thought. He knew their interactions had lessened over the months and much of it was shadowed by something of sexual nature. It was a bit sad for him but everything had consequences.

Though Jimin was sure this was not something that would damage their friendship significantly. After all, he and Taehyung were best friends and had entered this arrangement out of their own volition. He had made it pretty clear that this was just a physical arrangement and nothing more. While he felt a bit upset at Taehyung not seeking him out to talk about what was bothering him, Jimin couldn’t blame Taehyung. Also, he was sure his best friend would tell him if something major was going on.

Taehyung was always that one person he could rely on. Sure, it seemed like he was the caring one, the mature one between them. But Taehyung had been his rock as much as he had been to Taehyung. Taehyung was the one to stay awake with him in his bed, holding him when his tears wouldn’t stop. Taehyung was the one who wiped his tears and hug him till the comfort chased all his nightmares away. Taehyung was that one person he knew he could count on, no matter what. He trusted Taehyung in absolute terms, and maybe that’s why he had naturally gravitated towards Taehyung to seek physical comfort too.

Their relationship had taken a turn but for Jimin, it felt like an extension of their own. He had never felt he could let all of his guards down even in a relationship. While he tried his best in a relationship, it was still so hard. Maybe a part of it was his job and life as an idol. But a part of this hesitation and reluctance was his own inhibitions. Even with Charlie, he loved him, but somehow, that absolute trust was lacking. They had broken up and got back together a little too many times for Jimin to just let go when they were together. And this had seeped in their relationship in ways Jimin felt were unrepairable.

For the past two months, they had been talking less. Meeting each other had been difficult due to both their schedules and sometimes he questioned what he was even doing in such a relationship. As a person who liked skinship, it was wild to imagine he would be in a long-distance relationship. But this was also one of the reasons that they had decided to have an open relationship among many. And seeing the smile on Charlie’s face at the end of the day as they video call seems to evaporate many worries Jimin had been having. Though the frequency of such calls had been decreasing, it still gave Jimin something to hold on to.

Someone else Jimin still held onto was Taehyung. Because while holding onto anyone else felt like something he had to, with Taehyung it didn’t. With Taehyung, he could let it all go and he’d never feel any fear. The touches came easy with Taehyung, almost natural. And his admiration had only grown for the younger, alongside the euphoric feeling of being able to let all his thoughts and worries go while being held by someone who loved him. At times, he felt selfish but then, they would stumble in bed together and Taehyung would just fuck those thoughts out from his head, along with any and all other thoughts. And as someone who craved that feeling, he kept coming back.

When things had started being a bit shaky for himself, Jimin had a sudden blank time. Taehyung had been busy with work and Jimin didn’t feel like imposing on the younger one. All of them had been exhausted and his boyfriend was busy with his own projects. Jimin had sought the eldest with his troubles and Jin had just held him, telling him things would fall in place back soon. And if he felt troubled that he was taking too much, maybe try giving.

So, he thought of doing something for Taehyung’s birthday. As they were travelling and with the New Year’s performance due the next day, Jimin didn’t have much time. But he wanted to do something meaningful. And that’s how he found himself sitting beside Taehyung’s sleeping form. He caressed the younger’s face, trying to erase the lines on Taehyung’s forehead. He could see Taehyung’s form relax and smiled to himself. He laid beside the younger, cuddling up. He felt Taehyung stiffen up a bit, opening his eyes to look at Jimin. Jimin smiled as Taehyung looked at him through the veil of sleep.

‘Wake up Taetae!’ Jimin said with a big smile. He saw Taehyung’s eyes scrunching in confusion before widening up as he became more alert.

‘Jimin-ah!?’ Taehyung asked in his sleep voice, a few octaves lower than his own deep tone.

‘Yeah!’

‘What are you doing here?’ Taehyung said, withdrawing from Jimin and sitting up, untangling the sheet away from his body.

‘I come bearing a gift!’ Jimin said as he got up and got the tray. Taehyung looked at him in confusion before his expression softened at the sight of food.

‘Jimin, you didn’t have to.’ Taehyung said, sitting up properly, raking hands through his hair to smooth it out a bit.

‘Oh, but I had to! After all, it's my best friend’s birthday!’ Jimin declared, moving toward Taehyung on the bed, clearly missing the slight twitch in Taehyung’s expression. Jimin moved to put the tray on Taehyung’s lap.

‘This is… Thanks, Jimin-ah!’ Taehyung said, looking down at the assortment of goods on the tray.

‘Also, wait! I have something else for you.’ Jimin said as Taehyung picked up the fork. Taehyung looked at him with a puzzled expression as Jimin gave him a smirk. Quickly he took out his phone from the pocket, searching for something on it.

‘Jimin, we don’t need a video…’ Taehyung started but Jimin shut him up with a look.

‘Aha! Found it!’ Jimin said, clicking on something before keeping his phone down.

‘What are you playing?’ Taehyung asked but Jimin shushed him as the music picked up.

Seoul that used to be so unusually sparkling
Was another new world to me
I met you when you were clammy with sweat
A somewhat strange kid

Me from the moon, you from the stars
Our conversations were like homework
BFFs on one day, enemies on another

I just wanna understand
One day when this cheer dies down, stay, hey
Stay by my side
For eternity, keep staying here, stay, hey
You are my soulmate.

‘What… What is this Jimin-ah?’ Taehyung asked, looking at Jimin.

‘It’s, ah… well it’s a song I have been working on. PD nim said the melody was good and I got working on the lyrics and I just… It’s a song about you, about us I guess. The lyrics just came to me one day and I started working on them. It’s nowhere complete but I wanted to give it to you. A song we can work on. Something made by us about us and sung by us, if you want.’ Jimin said with a shy smile. Taehyung just continued to look at him.

‘Jimin, I… Thank you!’

‘Shut up! Let’s cut the cake!’ Jimin said, his face turning red under Taehyung’s gaze.

Jimin reached out for the match and lit the sole candle on a small cupcake kept right in the middle, looking at Taehyung with a big smile. Taehyung looked at his friend fondly before blowing out the candle as Jimin sang him the birthday song in a soft voice. Taehyung cut the cupcake from the fork and fed it to Jimin. Jimin gulped it down and smiled. He cradled Taehyung’s face in both hands before moving and planting a soft kiss on the temple of the younger's face. Taehyung closed his eyes, too overwhelmed by the seemingly normal gesture which felt too intimate to him. A lone tear trickled down his eye as he felt Jimin withdraw.

‘Taehyung-ah!’ Jimin gasped, noticing the tear. Taehyung opened his eyes, giving him a rueful smile.

‘What happened Tae? Why are you crying?’ Jimin said slight hints of panic evident in his tone as well his action of tenderly wiping at the corner of Taehyung’s eyes.

‘Nothing. I’m just happy.’ Taehyung said with a pained smile.

‘Aigoo!’ Jimin exclaimed before setting the tray aside and moving forward to hug his friend. Taehyung hugged back, wrapping his hands around Jimin’s waist and burrowing his face in the older’s neck. Jimin held him firmly, trying to soothe his friend.

A few more tears trickled down Taehyung’s face as they sat hugging.

‘I love you Jimin-ah!’ Taehyung muttered, finally letting out the words he had been afraid to utter, meaning it the way he wanted to.

‘I love you too Tae!’ Jimin quickly replied. Taehyung groaned internally, burying his head further in Jimin’s neck. Listening to the words, he felt like shrivelling up. His chest tightened and breath didn’t come as easily as it should. The words uttered back to him cut him up, slashed his heart and wounded his being. He didn’t know if his heart could recover from this.

The moment felt surreal and Taehyung felt himself pity his own heart, chasing after something that is futile from its conception. At a rational level, he knew he could survive, physically at least and maybe even emotionally. But his heart was done for. It had lost all its senses and jumped out the window, throwing caution to the wind, only to land upon the liminality. His heart wasn’t his own anymore but stuck standing at Jimin’s door, unable to knock but also to move away. Maybe it was meant to be stuck before it fell through the veil and just ceased to exist on any known plane. Maybe that was his heart’s destiny.

Notes:

A sweet chapter with an angsty ending, but I loved writing every part of it. Originally, I had a bit of smut planned for this one after they cut the cake but it didn't feel appropriate. Both of them have obviously had a hard time and I guess they needed a moment like this together. Also, it was nice to write Jimin's side story too, even if it's brief. As I have said before, Jimin is not a bad character in this story. Having written his pov now, I'm seriously debating on how I should end this. That is the big question now... Should it be a sad one, a happy one or more of an open ending? I don't know anymore. Let me know what you think...
Also, consider leaving a kudo or comment. They make my day.
Lots of love!!!

P.S.- I have plans to make a playlist, but till then, maybe listen to 'Ranjha' from Shershah OST. The OST is great but that song just gives me the feels and goes so well with where we are in the story.

Chapter 17: Chapter 15

Notes:

Hello everyone. It's been a very long while since I last updated. I am sad it took me so long but I have been trying my best. I was in a not so pleasant headspace for quite a long time and it has finally been getting a bit better. Anyways, I'll keep trying my best for this story and everyone who continues to support me. Thank you, everyone!

The next few days go by in a blur for Taehyung. Vestiges of emotions of the day of his birthday still lingered in his heart and his throat still choked up a bit here and there. But it had gotten a bit easier to be in the same room as Jimin, to look him in the eyes and smile. It felt like he was able to breathe a little better in group settings. And the ease in the atmosphere unconsciously made everyone brighter. It could also be attributed to a shift in their schedules. While the last month was packed with award shows, appearances and performances, January was relatively calmer. They were still working hard and the schedule was hectic. But less so than it had been.

The fact that they had been travelling around, shooting and working for the upcoming promotion of their new album, had everyone giving it their all. Taehyung and Jimin had met up a few times too to work on their song and in its final phases, they were made aware that this could be a perfect unit song for their next album. Earlier the units were going to differ but then one of the units was going to be theirs. They both smiled at each other after the meeting, sharing sweet glances. Taehyung had felt their friendship repairing over the course of the weeks where they had worked on the song. And if they shared chaste kisses or few make-out sessions in between, that was no one else’s business.

One such evening, they sat together in Taehyung’s bed in the hotel they were staying in. They had kept going back and forth between Korea and the U.S. due to shooting videos, promotion performances and many schedules. Jimin was tucked in his side as they listened to the finalised version of their song. They both had come to cherish the song in their own ways.

‘I absolutely love it!’ Jimin said, smiling in Taehyung’s neck.

‘Yeah. You did a really good job Jimin-ah!’ Taehyung said letting the older burrow more into him. If someone were to look at them, they wouldn’t know where one began and the other ended.

‘Don’t give me all the credit here now. Your voice worked wonders for it. Also, just your presence and you as a whole.’ Jimin said, his face burning up.

‘Min!’ Taehyung exclaimed. Lately, things had taken a very sweet undertone with them and he was yet to comprehend it well, much less process it. Things, moments, the shared touches, all of it felt so soft and sweet, a bit too intimate in nature. While earlier, things had gone with a rawness between them, now it just seemed to have ripened up better.

‘You’ve just always been there Taehyung-ah! Always there for me. To pick me up when I feel down, to cheer me up, to console me, to encourage me, to love me so well. You are really my soulmate Tae!’ Jimin said, hugging the younger tighter. Taehyung also held him tight, planting a kiss on the crown of Jimin’s head.

‘Thank you Jimin-ah!’ Taehyung said and Jimin looked up at him, a bit confused.

‘For what?’

‘The song, your friendship and everything. Thanks for coming into my life!’ Taehyung said, meaning every single word.

Jimin looked at him, not daring to blink. Seeing the expression on Taehyung’s face, he felt his eyes get moist. He took hold of Taehyung’s jaw and placed a firm kiss on younger’s lips. Pulling back, he kept looking at Taehyung’s face, noticing the expressions shifting. Taehyung looked down at him, before capturing his lips, turning so that he had Jimin’s body trapped under his own. Jimin sighed, growing pliant under his touch and they made out. It started out sweet but even with the increase in intensity, tinges of sweetness still lingered. Jimin grabbed a hold of his t-shirt, squeezing it as Taehyung ground down on him.

Jimin gently pushed the piece of clothing up, silently urging the younger to take it off as Taehyung kept kissing him deeper. Taehyung only chuckled in the kiss as he grabbed both of Jimin’s hands and pinned them by his head, pushing down on them with a firm grip. Jimin moaned, his back arching slightly as his breath hitched. Taehyung smiled, placing soft kisses all over the older’s face before capturing Jimin’s lips. Jimin whined under him as Taehyung kept peppering his lips but not fully kissing him. Taehyung's lips formed in a smile as the older one kept getting impatient.

‘What are you planning to name it?’ Taehyung asked, pulling back with a smirk as Jimin groaned.

‘Tae!’

‘Hmmm.’ Taehyung replied, enjoying the scene before him too much. Jimin thrust his hips upward, trying to make Taehyung move but the younger wouldn’t budge.

‘Tell me Jimin-ah… What are you gonna name it?’

‘Whatever you want Tae.’ Jimin croaked out and Taehyung’s lips broke in a smile.

‘For real?’

‘Uh Huh… Now, can you not bloody tease me anymore?’ Jimin said and Taehyung laughed.

‘What do you want Jimin-ah?’ Taehyung asked in a lower tone, the playfulness fading gradually in his stare.

‘I want you Tae. I want you so bad.’ Jimin said, leaning up and placing a peck on Taehyung’s lips. Taehyung looked at Jimin wistfully before leaning down and capturing Jimin in a devouring kiss.
Jimin's reactions came quickly, as Taehyung put pressure over his body, essentially trapping him. A sense of relief flooded Jimin, warmth filling him up as Taehyung kissed him deeply but lazily. Taehyung wanted to take it slow this time around, to explore, to kiss and with Jimin in general. His lips roamed all over Jimin, tracing every inch of his skin as if mapping out the whole expanse of it. The kisses were light but left Jimin mewling, whining and begging for more. But Taehyung physically held him down and continued at his own pace, kissing all over as if to make the sensations and feeling stick onto Jimin’s skin. He held Jimin as if wanting to brand his skin down to the core of older’s bone. And Jimin let him. Jimin let himself be held and basked in the attention he was getting from Taehyung.

‘How badly do you want me Jimin-ah?’ Taehyung asked in a husky tone, breathing right by Jimin’s ears. The warm breath lingered on Jimin’s skin, making it break in goosebumps.

‘Tae, are you really gonna make me beg now?’ Jimin asked as Taehyung nosed at his neck, barely letting their skins touch.

‘Don’t you like begging Jimin? I don’t see how that would be a problem!’ Taehyung chuckled, enjoying the ounce of power he had over the older. Jimin squirmed under him, feeling too much.

‘Taehyung…’ he whined, overwhelmed by everything in the best way possible.

‘I’m listening baby!’ Taehyung said, finally pressing a wet kiss on Jimin’s neck to which Jimin responded immediately, keening at the touch.

 

KNOCK! KNOCK!

 

Both of them turn at the sound in lightning speed, looking in the direction of the door. They heard a beep and saw the door handle move. Taehyung immediately got off from over Jimin and rolled on the other side, moving under the blanket. And as soon as Taehyung was off him, Jimin sat up a bit, covering his body and a definite boner under the thick blanket.

‘Hyung!’ they heard the youngest before he popped in the room, smiling from one ear to another.

‘Jungkook!?’ Jimin exclaimed, trying to mask his ruffled expression the best he could. A groan accompanied him under the blanket and Jimin remembered Taehyung had kind of been buried under the blanket wholly.

Jimin hastily pulled the blanket down from his side, uncovering Taehyung, looking like he had just been through a blizzard.

‘Taehyung hyung? Oh my god, what happened to you?’ Jungkook asked in confusion, looking back and forth between his two hyungs.

‘He turns and twists a lot in his sleep, you know that Kookie. He was out cold so yeah…’ Jimin supplied a quick answer to which Taehyung only nodded. Jungkook looked at Taehyung with a quizzed expression.

‘What were you here for Kookie?’ Jimin asked, getting Jungkook’s attention back to him.

‘Oh! My song actually got finalised so I came to tell you that. Also, producer hyung-nim agreed to let me choreograph it the way I like so I also wanted to show you the moves. But I guess you guys were sleeping so, I’d let you be.’ Jungkook said, his gaze going back and forth again.

‘Ah! That nice! Congrats Kook!’ Jimin smiled at him.

‘Proud of you JK!’ Taehyung added, his voice still a bit hoarse.

‘Thank you hyung!’ he said and left quickly, clearly a bit awkward still.

Jimin sat up properly, pushing off the blanket from his body and Taehyung followed suit. When they both had settled beside each other, they sighed. It was not that they never came close to being caught before, but it still caught them off guard. Caching their breath and letting their heartbeat calm down, both looked at each other and burst out laughing.

‘Quite close this time!’ Jimin remarked.

‘Yeah! If it was someone else, I wouldn’t have worried that much. But with Kook, I don’t know how I could ever explain… this.’ Taehyung said, his smile faltering a bit.

‘Yes, same.’ Jimin replied in a quieter voice, the amusement fading away.

‘Anyway, I’ll get going. Have some work left and yeah.’ Taehyung said, faltering at his words as he got up and adjusted his clothes.

‘Yeah, I’ll also…’

‘Yes, yeah, absolutely. I’ll see you later then!’ Taehyung said, grabbing his mobile and moving towards the door, glancing at Jimin.

‘Sure, later then.’ Jimin said as he looked at Taehyung shooting him a small smile before leaving. He sunk in the mattress, breathing out the breath he didn’t even realise he was holding.

Taehyung on the other side closed the door and stood still, placing a hand on the wall to support himself. He heaved a sigh of relief. His heart was still feeling heavy and he knew he should be glad that nothing happened. Keeping away from Jimin had been hell and pure misery but he knew it was better to keep away from the older. He knew it on a practical level. But his body was still thrumming with the energy from earlier. His blood was still singing, the same song over and over again. A song about Jimin.

Notes:

A short and sweet chapter. That's the most I could manage for now. It's not edited too well so sorry for that. I'll try to do better in future.
Also, I asked how you guys would like this story to end and half of you want an angsty/open end while half of you want happy ending. So, I mean it's going to be tough for me because still, there is so many possibilities in this story. But, we'll see. I'll try to make it worth your while.
I know so many of you are supporting me and I'm so grateful. Yet I feel bad too as I haven't been able to update or even write much. But, I'm trying to be better and complete this story soon too. I hope you guys can hold on for a bit more. I know it's a lot to ask but, yeah!

Lots of love!!!

Chapter 18: Chapter 16

Summary:

We all are fools in love.

Notes:

Hello everyone. I'm really thankful for the continued support and love this story is receiving. And people who are leaving me comments and msgs, letting me know that it's ok and telling me to take my time... You guys are literal angels.
As I have mentioned before, I am struggling with studies and then finding time to write and much more, the motivation to write. I won't go there again. I am still trying my best and it's nice to see your all support.
I've therefore decided to keep writing. Just keep writing without thinking much of the technicalities and all that worries me as a writer. I have decided to just, write. it's difficult to just open the doc, and write without overanalysing every single aspect. Especially because this idea came last year and this is the longest fanfic I have ever written and then thinking that i need to update and how I might be letting you all down and that I need to come up with perfect lines and scenes to do it justice or thinking that i don't deserve so much love and feel guilty everytime a kudo or comment comes because it reminds me that 'oh, i have to upload soon'.
No, I am just gonna write and not think too much. IDK how it'll turn out but it's better than before I guess. I won't make false promises but I have made schedule to write n work on this story on my weekends and hopefully, I can aim to complete this story soon. According to my estimate, this would be around 25 chps so yeah.
I'll keep trying my best.

Hope you enjoy!

Human emotions are complex and understanding them is quite a chore. Especially if it is your own emotions that you are trying to understand while life keeps getting in the way. It is easier to speak it out, share things with another soul, communicate with someone else. But when it comes to communicating to ourselves or introspecting, it becomes weird and messy and a whole lot more that we tend to remain oblivious of. It’s a human tendency, the basic fight or flight response. If the fight is against someone else, it’s a tad bit easier to stand ground. But when it’s our own emotions, the sheer complexity of it is so heavy to dissemble, we tend to run away. And that’s exactly what Taehyung decided to do as well.

Life was being good, with promotions and days spent working or tucked in the room under a blanket with Jimin. Sometimes it was just cuddling, sometimes more. At times both of them would be so exhausted from dance practices or shoots, they’d lie down and fall asleep entwined around each other. It had become apparent to the other members as well that if you wanted to find either, look for the other. And, it was a refreshing change as well. With the album release on their heads, the ease between both of them soothed Taehyung. Not to mention, Yoongi had backed off and seemed content that Taehyung was doing better and whatever it had been, the slump or whatever, it was getting over. Jimin was being kind to him as well, showering him with affection left and right. It felt good… It felt really nice to be able to breathe and smile after a long term of agony and loneliness and hurt.

And so, it didn’t matter to Taehyung that things were still undefined between him and Jimin. Or that Jimin was still in a relationship; something that seemed to be on the edges from the constant fights he could hear Jimin have on the phone with his boyfriend as Taehyung pretended to sleep. It was not the proudest thing, Taehyung admitted, but hearing the jarring words exchanged between Jimin and Charlie made him happy. On one side, he was genuinely hoping that Jimin would end the toxic relationship. Sure, both of them said they loved each other and maybe they did, but it wasn’t going either of them any good. The distance and constant juggling for the entirety of their relationship seemed a little too much of a burden. But on other side, he also got excited by the hopeful prospect that maybe the fights were because of whatever he had with Jimin. It was twisted but it made him feel like he was important to Jimin and maybe, just maybe they could have something concrete. It also didn’t feel bad that Jimin would turn to snuggle him every time after a particular mean fight and shower him with even more of his cuteness.

Inside, a part of Taehyung, knew, that none of this was healthy. The rational part of him knew that whatever it was, it was temporary. Logically, he was not being a very good friend or person either. A part of him could see that while everything seemed ok on surface, the very basis of his relationship was being burnt off little by little. It was no longer the relationship it had been or should be and had become a very toxic and dependent one. And the longer they kept this facade, this bubble of serenity up, the worse it’d be. But here’s the thing. Taehyung was human too at the end of the day. And like the very basic human instinct to avoid pain and sorrow, he did the same by remaining oblivious to the very obvious.

A ray of hope had started to bubble in Taehyung’s heart and he was willing to hold on to it with all his might. It wasn’t like he didn’t knew anything or that he was not aware of the consequences. He was just being foolish in love. A very human sentiment that all of us feel. But there was something that he was abstaining from, a subconscious effort from his mind and heart to protect the last vestiges of what remained intact of his sanity and soul. Sex.

It sounded funny, even to him when he allowed his thoughts to drift far sometimes, that he was avoiding having sex with Jimin now, when that had been the foundation of this fucked up thing they had now. The start of when things went wrong, truly wrong had been when they had sex. Not the kiss on lips or making out or even the blowjobs. Those could be attributed to drunken mistakes and horniness. No. It was when Jimin striped his desires naked and his own that things truly started to go down the drain. But now, it didn’t sit right with him. Maybe it was because he had been in partial denial even back then when they started sleeping around. So much so that he let a very primal part of himself take over his own consciousness and let his own desires free without any healthy restraint. It had been about desire and lust back then, at least that was what was made apparent openly. But now, with the seemingly soft and more intimate stares, touches and kisses, it felt wrong to indulge in sexual intercourse.

He was aware that Jimin also felt the shift and was confused all the times when Taehyung put a pause to his advances. Taehyung could feel the sexual frustration between them. But he couldn’t bring himself to have sex with Jimin anymore. Them fucking around had already fucked his sanity and emotions enough it seemed. And with things turning how they were, he just couldn’t bring himself to. Maybe it was the hope that Jimin would break up with Charlie and they could be something, maybe it was his own foolish desire for a wholesome relationship or just a way he tried to keep his dignity intact, or what was left of it according to him.

And so, things went in a similar fashion as they completed their projects and promotion shoots and headed back home a week before their album was set to release. Conveniently, none of them bothered to remember the dates as they set foot in their home country. Most of their schedules for the upcoming month were already set out, so really, it wasn’t that big of a deal for them. The rapline headed off to the studios directly for some editing that they had discussed on their ride. Jungkook headed off to the practice studio as he had a meeting with one of the choreographers and Jin was picked up by his brother. The 95 line didn’t bother much as they got in the van together and headed to their dorm. They didn’t think too much of it or even bother to remember that it was valentine’s day. But, they really should’ve because of what was waiting for them.

Reaching their dorm, Jimin went ahead opening the lock as Taehyung trudged behind, sleep still lingering in the younger’s eyes. Jimin turned the knob and opened the door, greeted by everything red. Jimin halted for a moment, looking around their hall area decorated with banners, glitter, balloons and confetti; red and heart-shaped. His breath got stuck as his eyes landed on the single person standing in the middle with a big cake in his hands and a broad smile on his face. Jimin felt he would faint the moment Taehyung wrapped a hand around his waist. And Taehyung felt like he was going to vomit the moment his eyes took in the scene before him.

Notes:

Thanks for reading and sticking with me. I'll try my best for you all and this story.
I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and yeah, leave a Kudo or comment, anything. You guys might not know but they mean so fucking much to me and just keep me afloat.

Also, a ques. What do you want for Jimin? I've been exploring my options but would love to know what you'd want for him, especially when he has been a grey character in this story so far.

Lots of Love!!!

Chapter 19: Chapter 17

Notes:

Hi everyone! Thank you for all the support and kind words. They really meant a lot. As I said earlier, I'm just writing as things come and posting it. I am also planning to write more tomorrow as it's an off day for me, but let's see what happens.
I finally feel we are coming closer to some definite changes and the end of the story. I will try to finish with a max of 25 chps, that's what I've set for myself. So, hopefully, I'm able to complete this project soon.

Hope you enjoy!

‘Charlie!?’ Jimin asked, breathing haggard. He felt Taehyung stiffen up behind him.

Somehow none of this felt real to Jimin. It was so far off from what he had been expecting. Getting off the plane, when everyone kind of went their own ways and he and Taehyung got in one van and set off to the dorm, he had a completely different picture in his mind of how the day was going to be. He was tired and a bit miserable and had visualised how both of them would fall in Taehyung’s bed and just sleep it all off. He wasn’t sure what would happen after that. But he had been trying to work on building up to something.

But now, that seemed like a distant dream.

‘Park Jimin!’ Charlie said with the same smile on his face, a fond look in his eyes. He set down the cake on the table and sprinted towards Jimin before pulling him in for a kiss and out of latter’s thoughts.
Jimin stood still as Charlie wrapped a hand around his waist and held him close. He didn’t even know how to react because everything seemed to be happening in fast motion and he was having trouble digesting the reality of the moment. He felt he was in too much shock to even be happy about his boyfriend’s gestures at the moment

‘And Taehyung-ssi!’ Charlie smiled at Taehyung who was still standing at the door.

‘Kim Charlie.’ Taehyung said back curtly, the pair exchanging a brief look.

‘Ah, I go by Charlie Kim but oh well! But I must thank you Taehyung-ssi for looking out for my Jimin. I’m glad he has a friend by you at his side!’ Charlie said planting a kiss on Jimin’s temple while Jimin just stood still.

‘That’s not a big deal. I will… I will leave you two to catch up and, uhm, celebrate. Have a nice time!’ Taehyung said as he nodded at them as he picked up his bag and turned to leave.

‘I’ll see you, Tae…’ Jimin muttered pausing Taehyung in his steps. Taehyung turned around and gave him a soft smile.

‘Hmmm…’ Taehyung said before heading towards the elevator. He heard the door close and it hit the chords of his heart, shattered a few pieces, but he didn’t dare look back. Instead, he clenched his phone and stepped into the elevator.

An hour later, he found himself knocking on his Hyung's studio door. He waited for a minute or two before pressing down the passcode and opening the door open. The lights were switched off and the place looked undisturbed. It didn’t look like Yoongi had visited his studio yet and it felt perfect for the time being. Taehyung was still unsure how he was going to comprehend the scene that had unfolded earlier, much less what must be going on at the moment. And his body was still tired from the jetlag. So, he laid down on the couch that had been his safe haven for some time now and closed his eyes. Though tears rolled down his eyes, his body was physically exhausted and he fell asleep not realising his heart was leaking once again.

Few hours later, he was woken up by his phone ringing non-stop. He shifted over to get the phone from the table and peeked an eye open to see who was calling him.

YOONGI HYUNG

Seeing the name made him rub his eyes before checking again. The call ended as he sat up, joints cracking up from being stiff and in the same position. Taehyung stretched out his hands over his head, looking around his surrounding in a haze. His body was awake but his mind was still trying to catch up. He sat still for a moment, head hung, trying to gather his bearings. After a while, he picked up his phone and checked the notifications. It looked like Yoongi and Jungkook had called him a few times. He opened the chat and went to the group chat filled with teasing messages for Jimin and the last few confirming it was safe to come back home.

Taehyung read them before sending an ‘ok’ and kept down the mobile. He sat still, trying to process everything that had happened. He was still not sure what he felt seeing Charlie and then whatever the whole afternoon was. Neither was he willing to let his mind wander the self-deprecating part. His mind felt like it was shut off for any deep thinking and his body worked on auto-pilot. He looked around and could see that the room had been tidied up a little and soft light was coming from somewhere. Taehyung deduced that his Hyung must have dropped by as he slept; something which was confirmed when he saw two sandwich wraps in front of him along with a coke can. Taehyung smiled, starting to wonder just how long did he sleep for. His watch told him the whole afternoon and evening.

Taehyung picked up the food, munching on it as he scrolled through weverse feed. There were so many posts from their fans cheering them up and wishing them safe travels. Many were speculating about the new album, sharing excitement over the release of the tracklist that was going to be out the next day. He scrolled through, enjoying the brief relief and escape the posts were giving him. He did not have to think too much or worry a lot. And as he sat reading a long letter from one 18-year-old fan who was describing how she had been dealing with mental health issues and how BTS had changed her life and herself for the better, Taehyung didn’t even realise that tears rolled down his cheeks.

He cheered on the post and kept his phone and food down again, holding his head in his hand and closing his eyes. Things were getting to him now, the actual reality of things. And he couldn’t do much. He just gripped his hair and willed himself to not break down. He couldn’t break down. So many people were cheering him on, cheering BTS on. He felt like he couldn’t break down, not today.

Grabbing his phone, he stood up wiping his face hastily. He picked up the sandwich and can as he strolled out, asking if any of their managers were still around to drive him home. Luckily, one of them was heading out and said he would. Taehyung hopped down the stairs to the basement and greeted his manager before getting in. He closed the blinds and continued strolling through the weverse feeds. He commented on a few, cheering back his fans and letting them know he was alive.

Soon, he was back home and entering his room. He twisted around, before throwing his phone on the bed and heading to the washroom. He gathered up his stuff and quickly hopped in the shower after putting a classical music playlist on, hoping to wash away the exhaustion and subtle heartache that seemed to have become a permanent fixture in his life now. Stripping down, he started the shower. He adjusted the temperature of the water before standing under the stream and letting the water wash down over him. He took his shampoo bottle, reading the brand name and type not realising the door of the washroom opening and closing behind him. Ascertaining it was ok, he opened the lid when he heard a small voice.

‘Can I join you Taehyung-ah?’ turning back, Taehyung dropped the bottle at the sight.

There stood Jimin looking small and soft with his bangs plastered over his forehead and an unreadable type of expression.

‘Jimin!?’ Taehyung asked hastily picking up the bottle and keeping it back in its place.

That seemed like enough for Jimin to start stripping and before Taehyung could realise what was happening, Jimin was standing in front of him. His eyes softened at the ruffled look on Jimin and for a second as Jimin wrapped his hand around him for a hug, Taehyung forgot all the pain, all the questions and agony that had been at the back of his mind. He didn’t get it himself but somehow his mind had been hardwired like that. Jimin just needed to exist and Taehyung would step over himself to carve out his heart for the older. He didn’t know if he always felt like that but it had become so.

‘Tae, I want you, please. I don’t want to think anymore. It hurts. Please make it not hurt anymore.’ Jimin murmured and Taehyung looked down at him before pulling Jimin back.

‘Jimin-ah… What happened?’ He asked, genuinely concerned that something bad had happened to Jimin.

‘I don’t want to talk about it Tae. Please, I really need you. I really need you like that.’

‘Jimin, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Let’s talk.’ Taehyung said holding both of Jimin’s hands in his own.

‘Taehyung, please. I don’t want to talk; I don’t want to… I’ll beg if you want me to.’ Jimin said, a bit agitated.

‘Jimin, I really don’t think we should…’

‘I don’t care Tae! I don’t care what you think or what you feel. I don’t care if you think it’s right or not but I’m sick of you running away and rejecting me and everything. I’m tired of thinking, of talking, of everything and I don’t want to feel like that. So, I’m asking you fuck me and make it all go the fuck away. Why can’t you listen to me? I told you I am even ready to beg, so why don’t you…’ Jimin said loudly, looking up at him with a fierce gaze.

And it seemed like something inside Taehyung switched. He wouldn’t be able to explain what exactly happened but something in him just shifted. His hold got firm on Jimin who looked down at their hands.

‘So, beg then!’ Taehyung said, his voice stern and cold. Jimin looked up at him in mild confusion and shock only to be met with a dark look that sent goosebumps down his body.

‘What?’

‘I said beg then. If you want me to fuck you so bad that you are ready to beg, then fucking get down on your knees and beg for it.’ Taehyung said, increasing his grip on Jimin’s hands.

‘Taehyung…’ Jimin started off before Taehyung grabbed one of his shoulders and made him get on his knees. He looked up at Taehyung.

‘I said beg, Jimin. Sit down there and beg me to fuck you till you can’t think anymore. Beg me to fuck you so good that you forget your name and everything else. Beg me to fuck you like I always do.’ Taehyung said, bending slightly and making Jimin look up at him.

‘Tae please.’ Jimin said, looking at Taehyung in his eyes.

‘Is that the best you could do? Is this why your boyfriend never fucks you Jimin? Why, what happened? Did I hit a nerve?’ Taehyung asked with a smirk, grabbing hold of Jimin’s hair and pulling his head back. Jimin shakes his head and Taehyung chuckles.

‘Very well then. Pity you can’t even beg like the fucking slut you are. And here you were telling me what I could think or not. Your mouth doesn’t know when to stay shut, does it? Always crossing limits.’ Taehyung said in a voice even he couldn’t comprehend was his. It was always something that worried Taehyung; the limit of his meanness, this part of himself. But in the moment, he didn’t care anymore. The usual rational part of his brain was on a strike it seemed.

‘Taehyung… I…’ Jimin said very timidly and before either realised, Taehyung had slapped him across the face. Jimin turned back to look at him, a lone tear escaping his eye and his body vibrating with energy.

‘Shut up! Didn’t you say you didn’t want to talk? And here you go speaking again, only taking my name and nothing else. Perfect! You won’t need any other word tonight anyway.’ Taehyung said harshly grabbing Jimin’s face, looking at the cheek he had slapped on. It was getting red but didn’t look bad. Taehyung placed a chaste kiss beside Jimin’s eye and the older closed them. Caressing his cheek one more time, Taehyung stood up, holding on Jimin’s face in one hand.

Turning back, he shut off the water and looked back down at Jimin, sitting down on his knees in front of him, looking small and debauched already. The water clung to his skin and hair, eyes closed and his face looking so soft and content in his hand. In that moment, Taehyung was fighting so many of his own battles inside that the scene in front of him looked like a serene calamity. It felt like an aesthetic bleakness. Just like after a storm, the destruction all over paints its own aesthetic in the silence that looks so calm and frayed, a total contrast to the storm that has ripped it apart moments before. That’s what it felt like to Taehyung. Sadly, he could only look and cry inside. Because when it came to Jimin like this, it didn’t look like he could possibly do or offer anything else. He didn’t feel like he was entitled to even. So, he took care of Jimin exactly how the older had wanted.

Notes:

That is where I'll end for now. While writing the end scene of this chp, I wondered a lot if I should go into more detail or not. I even wondered should I change the rating to explicit and write the scene further. But, I didn't for now. I didn't know how you all would feel about that and exactly how much detail is okay in M rating and where to draw the line. Let me know if there is any feedback on this. Many of you assured me that the smut scenes are ok but I still get a bit nervous. It can be a sensitive issue, so I try to be cautious.
Anyways, let me know how was this, your reaction, thoughts, expectations... I'd love to hear them. Maybe leave a kudo too! Might not seem like it but the feedback greatly motivates me.

Lots of love!

Chapter 20: Chapter 18

Notes:

Song rec for this chapter specifically.

There are things one wants to remember. And then there are things one wants to forget. That’s how we work around our memories. Our brain constantly rushing to alter, manipulate and erase just to reach some sort of equilibrium that would allow us to be content. Though contentment is not that easy to achieve our brain might not be so efficient even with how great it is compared to that of other living beings. Our brain makes faults, our bodies do too and so do people as a whole. They’d wish they wouldn’t make mistakes but still end up doing them. After all, humans are petty living beings too.

Though knowing this fact doesn’t make it any easier to live like that. Life in itself is never easy but then the philosophical knowledge on everyday realities which make us feel like mere puppets doesn’t soothe the pain of harshness of life. But humans still persist. Just barely but they do. Though sometimes it feels like it’d be better to perish. Sometimes it feels it’d be better to not remember or think or even live… And while the feeling is legit on its own, what’s worse is that there’s no forgetting some things. Just like there’s no coming back from some places. Just like the place Taehyung found himself in.

He had been holding on fine, or at least that’s what he forced himself to believe. For if not that, he’d crumble down and he didn’t want to do that. Hadn’t wanted to. At that moment, watching Jimin sleeping contently on his bed as he sat on the chair beside a window, he truly wanted to just disappear. What was even odd was that he was sure feeling lots but nothing at the same time. His insides felt like it’d explode at any moment. The more he watched Jimin’s frame, the more his brain replayed the scenes from earlier. The whole scene in the shower, fucking Jimin against the wall to carrying him to the bed and fucking the older into oblivion again and again. Till he couldn’t.

He was sure there was so much he should be feeling. Guilt, desperation, agony, hurt, confusion, heartbroken. But he felt oddly calm. Maybe while his brain was busy trying to decipher how to process the memories of last night, it had put his emotive part on hold. Or maybe his senses were broken and weren’t responding to the signals his brain might be trying to send. He couldn’t know, had no way of knowing it. But even with the numbness and calm, he felt a foreboding feeling, like something was to tip the scale off balance. The calmness was eerie and left a rusty taste in his mouth. Alongside apprehension and unease. He couldn’t put a name to it.

It wasn’t the first time they had fucked. It wasn’t the first time where Taehyung had let his rawness overtake him. It wasn’t like anything that hadn’t happened between him and Jimin earlier had happened last night. But something felt at odds. He wasn’t sure if he had temporarily lost the sense to feel heartbroken, or if he should even feel heartbroken. What this was, it was his doing as well. It wasn’t like he could blame it all on Jimin and he wasn’t going to. Nothing felt like it should feel out of the ordinary or different, yet it did. Maybe this was what jamais vu felt like.

His heart wasn’t heavy like it mostly had been. He wasn’t really feeling the conflict or whirlwind of emotions. He wasn’t aching. He wasn't feeling much other than a sense of false calmness and serenity with a gut feeling that things were about to go down. He wasn't sure how it would. His mind, body and core were definitely out of sync and exhausted to even react. But nonetheless, the feeling persisted. And a few hours later, crying in the arms of Yoongi, he finally understood why he had been feeling that way.

Doom has a way of making its presence known, way before it arrives, way before it attacks us. It's its way of warning us of the looming dread. Pity how humans are too human to understand the warning in its entirety.

'Taehyung-ah… Stop crying, please. Won't you tell hyung what happened? What's wrong?' Yoongi asked as he crouched in front of Taehyung. Taehyung only let out a louder sob, pained and broken. Piercing.

Yoongi had been shocked to find Taehyung sitting down beside the couch on the floor in corner of his studio, sobbing uncontrollably. He had shut the door off immediately and locked it before rushing to Taehyung. Crouching in front of him, trying to wipe off the tears from younger's face. He had been trying to calm down the younger and find the source of Taehyung's tears but to no avail. Taehyung kept crying, and Yoongi couldn't help but feel sad and hurt to see his dongsaeng in pain but not be able to do anything.

Yoongi didn’t understand what was going on. He felt all his wisdom and calmness and logic leave his head. Right now, only he could feel was the pain in the loud sobs Taehyung was letting out. And it was piercing Yoongi’s heart. Just a few hours back, when he had left the dorm, things had been ok. He was excited to come to work, to check the reaction of their fans as their tracklist released and work on some stuff before heading for practice and then home. But something felt off when Taehyung had texted late in the afternoon that he wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be joining them. It was odd of any member to just drop such a bomb and that too so close to their comeback but he knew Taehyung wouldn’t slack off just because.

But it had been brushed off as their meetings and dress fittings took place along the rehearsals. It was only when he was coming back from an editing session with Namjoon and found his studio door ajar that the sinking feeling made a return. And alas, he found why he had the foreboding feeling.

‘Tae, Tae, look at me. Please, look at me.’ Yoongi said taking Taehyung’s face in his hands and making eye contact.

If Yoongi could press an undo button in real life as he did while working, he would do so at the moment. Because while his crying had only been prickling, the shattered look in Taehyung’s eyes was enough to still Yoongi. He froze, holding Taehyung’s face as the tears flowed down younger’s cheeks. Yoongi could feel his eyes itching, not even knowing how to react. But he knew he had to be strong. So, he pulled Taehyung’s larger frame in his embrace, feeling unsettled with how small the younger seemed. And Taehyung kept sobbing, wetting through the fabric of Yoongi’s jumper.

Notes:

My heart aches for Taehyung in this story. That's all I can say.

Chapter 21: Chapter 19

Notes:

Hello everyone! Thanks for the support and love. I've been feeling a bit blue these past days but I tried to channel that grey energy to write this down. And well, today is Yoongi day so, it was only fair I posted this chapter. Yoongi plays a big role in this one and I hope this can act as a build-up to further the plot and the end.
So, happy Yoongi day! I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Yoongi didn’t know how long he sat with Taehyung on the floor of his studio as the younger cried his heart out. But after exhausting himself, Taehyung had sort of passed out in his arms. Yoongi was worried and his instincts were telling him to panic. But persisting, he picked Taehyung’s frame off of the floor and laid him down on the couch. He covered the younger with a spare quilt he always kept and walked out of his studio.

Things weren’t making much sense for him. Yoongi had suspected earlier that something was off with Taehyung. He wanted to find out the cause but didn’t interfere and gradually, things seemed to get better. Taehyung had been smiling again, playing around with colour back to his face. He wondered what had happened for things to go so downhill that it sent the younger in a fucking breakdown. He violently pushed the buttons of the vending machine, getting some snacks, feeling frustrated and confused. He didn’t know anything as to what was wrong, He didn’t know how to even help Taehyung who had such a breakdown that the man passed out from crying. He wasn’t sure if he could even talk about it to other members, much less ask for their help because he didn’t know if they knew something was up with Taehyung. He didn’t know if Taehyung had shared this with anyone either. So, it wasn’t like he could enlist some help and talk out a plan or anything with someone.

He hastily grabbed a bottle of water and made his way back to his studio, not paying any mind to anyone passing.

‘Hyung! Yoongi hyung!’ he heard a voice and turned back.

‘Jimin?’

‘Hi, hyung! You seem lost.’ Jimin said as Yoongi turned to meet his gaze.

‘Yeah, no. I mean I was doing some work. Did you need anything?’ Yoongi asked.

‘Oh, yeah. Have you seen Taehyung?’

‘Taehyung!?’

‘Yes. No one has been able to get in touch with him for a while and he isn’t even at the dorm. Namjoon hyung was getting worried too and you know how the management gets around comeback.’ Jimin said and Yoongi nodded.

‘Ah, yeah. I don’t think I’ve seen him either. Maybe he went home or something.’ Yoongi decided to lie, not knowing what else to say. A part of him wanted to tell Jimin the truth and ask him to come with and comfort Taehyung. But he decided not to at the moment.

‘I guess. He didn’t say anything.’ Jimin said in a distracted tone.

‘I’m sure it was some emergency or something. You know Taehyung. I’m sure he’ll be back soon.’ Yoongi said and Jimin nodded, giving him a smile and wave before heading his way.

Yoongi rushed his steps and secured the locks as soon as he entered his studio. He needed to get to the bottom of whatever the fuck was going on and soon. They had a comeback in less than a week, schedules starting after a day and there was no way Taehyung could go through all that in the state he was in. Yoongi needed to do something and as he saw Taehyung stirring awake, he knew it needed to be then and there.

‘Taehyung-ah!’ he said, keeping things down and sitting beside the younger.

Yoongi was not very sure how to go about with the whole consolation thing. He’d admit he wasn’t good at it, especially with members who communicated more through their body language and touches. He was much more adept at awkward talks in far-fetched metaphors and biting facts while dealing with Namjoon or Jin. But well, he knew that wouldn’t work very well for Taehyung. So, he turned towards Taehyung and gently took his hand in his own, intertwining their fingers. That seemed to get Taehyung’s attention.

‘Hyung.’ Taehyung croaked out, looking at their hands. Yoongi could tell Taehyung was trying to hold back his tears.

‘Tae, what has been going on? What is troubling you?’ with his other hand, Yoongi gently patted Taehyung’s back of the head, smoothing down his ruffled hair. ‘Something has been bothering you for a while now and I didn’t want to intrude but… please tell hyung what’s wrong Taehyung-ah.’ He implored, wishing Taehyung would open up.

Taehyung sat still for a few moments before he looked at Yoongi, unshed tears pooled in the corner of his eyes. Yoongi squeezed his hand in reassurance, trying to communicate to the younger that he was safe, that it was ok to speak out his worries.

‘I fucked up hyung!’ Taehyung muttered, so low Yoongi almost missed it.

‘Taehyung? What happened?’ he shuffled closer and Taehyung flung himself on Yoongi, hugging him like a little kid. Yoongi was momentarily shocked before relaxing and embracing the younger gently.

‘Hyung…’ Taehyung sobbed and if it wasn’t the most distraught Yoongi had ever seen Taehyung.

‘Gwenchana Taehyung-ah. Tell hyung everything.’ He said caressing the other’s head, being as gentle as he could.

‘Hyung, am I not good enough? Am I not good enough to be loved? Am I not worthy enough to be loved the way I want to be loved? Am I not enough…’ Taehyung muttered in between his sobs and Yoongi’s hold immediately tightened.

Whoever dared to make his dongsaeng think like that. Yoongi hastily wiped at Taehyung’s tears, caressing the side of his face reassuringly.

‘Taehyung-ah? What happened? Why would you say such stuff? You know we all love you so much, right? The ARMYS love you so much. Why would you feel like that isn’t the case?’ Yoongi asked trying his best to stay calm and composed. ‘Taehyung, what has been going on? You have been suffering. I don’t know why or what happened but I can see that you have. Would you like to share it with hyung?’ he asked softly in a calm tone, hoping against all odds that Taehyung could trust him enough to let him know. For a moment, Taehyung was still and Yoongi felt his hope slipping away, but then Taehyung nodded slowly and the older internally sighed in relief.

‘I made a mistake, hyung. A very big mistake.’ Taehyung said bluntly without any emotion. For anyone, it’d be difficult to understand how one can be like that when they were bawling their eyes out a few moments back. But Yoongi knew Taehyung well enough to know that the younger was only trying not to feel anything lest he broke down in tears again. And Yoongi couldn’t help but admire his self-control and restraint.

‘Tae…’

‘I know I shouldn’t have. It’s all my fault and now, I feel like a loser. It’s like I’ve lost who I am or what I was. I don’t know how I could have been so stupid and impulsive and just downright careless. I don’t know hyung. Why am I so stupid? Why did I even agree to it… Oh god!’ Taehyung groaned burying his head in the blanket while Yoongi looked at the younger in confusion. Yoongi didn’t have any idea what Taehyung was talking about. Was it something serious? Had someone hurt Taehyung or something else entirely. Thousands of possibilities were running amok in his head.

‘What happened? Taehyung, did you get in some sort of trouble? Did someone hurt you or something?’ he asked in an absolutely gentle voice, just above a whisper. It was more to himself but as Taehyung's body went rigid, he knew the younger had heard him.

‘I fell in love hyung. That’s what I did wrong. I fell in love.’ Taehyung said, his voice forlorn with a hint of bitterness.

‘What!?’

‘I’m sure you didn’t see that coming hyung, did you?’ Taehyung chuckled in a broken tone.

‘I’m… With whom?’

‘Jimin. Who else could it be…?’ Taehyung said with a bitter chuckle and Yoongi felt all thoughts leave his mind as he sat still to his core.

Jimin. Taehyung. Love. The three words weren’t strange in the least, not for those who knew them. And Yoongi had known them for years now. So, though Taehyung’s words did make him stop for a moment, it didn’t really shock him. In fact, thinking about it, it fit together like it was the most natural thing. Yoongi couldn’t bring himself to think otherwise. He has seen both of them grow into the men they are right in front of him. People would scoff and remind him that he wasn’t that older than them. Just 3 years. But for Yoongi, the maknae line were like his babies. He had seen a lot growing up and when he met the three younger members, he felt like he vicariously lived through those years again.

So, he was fairly sure that he knew both Taehyung and Jimin inside out. More so what they meant to each other because anyone in their close vicinity with eyes could see. The relationship two had was beyond words. Yoongi didn’t think he could even describe it. Calling them friends would be just an understatement according to him. So, when Taehyung said he fell in love with Jimin, through controlled tears and struggling to maintain a stoic face, Yoongi didn’t see what was the problem. The two 95s always had that love, proclaimed it out loud in fact. So, what could be the issue if that love expanded to romantic love as well. Yoongi clearly didn’t see any problem with it. Until…

‘Jimin is in a relationship.’ Yoongi muttered, his grip loosening a bit as one realisation after another dawned on him.

‘Yes well, that might be the least problematic aspect of this all hyung.’ Taehyung said with a sad smile and Yoongi could only gape at Taehyung.

Seeing the evident shock on Yoongi’s face paired with concern and confusion, Taehyung didn’t know what he was feeling anymore. And so, he shot his story from the start of it all a few months back when Yoongi had settled down a bit. He told Yoongi how he had always been bothered about Jimin’s relationship, the night he went to console Jimin when things started blowing up. He proceeded to just lay it all off of his chest, every single memory, detail, everything. And Yoongi listened with rapt attention.

‘That is a lot Taehyung-ah! What… You guys went through a lot and without any of us even realising. I don’t know if you guys are that good actor or if we are that ignorant.’ Yoongi said, sinking back on the couch. The whole story was a lot to take in and Yoongi was trying to digest it all as well as he could.

When he had noticed something was off with Taehyung, he could have never predicted it was something like this. Yoongi felt the conflict, the emotions overflowing. This should seem absurd but somehow didn’t and this fact was in itself absurd. Yoongi always thought he had answers to fairly anything. But at the moment, he was not so sure anymore.

‘I don’t know hyung. We’ve all been so busy and well, Jimin and I, we’ve always been a bit too close even as friends. So, it’s not very shocking that we were able to sneak around like that. Though right now, I’m wishing we got caught. At least then things wouldn’t have gotten so… intense. Yeah.’ Taehyung said brushing his hair back.

‘Yeah well. I don’t even know what to say.’ Yoongi sighed and felt Taehyung squeezing his thigh.

‘Don’t worry about it hyung. I don’t know any more either and I have had months to think and ponder about everything.’

And with that, they sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Yoongi was having a hard time wrapping his head around what Taehyung told him, and more so because, he knew Taehyung was in pain but he couldn’t do anything about it. He wanted to help, but he didn’t have any idea where to even begin or if it was even his place to help. While Taehyung tried to calm down and compose himself. He couldn’t help but feel weird. The whole situation was fucked up and he was here, having this conversation with Yoongi, an unexpected choice for such talks but it was what it was. On top of that, his brain was finally kicking in, making him realise he had been MIA for the day when their comeback was so close. And oh shit, he and Jimin were members of the same team and have to promote together, soon. They’d have to perform together, be in front of fans and camera and scrutiny of netizens and well, shit just got more real.

‘You really love him Tae? You’ve been friends for too long and… I mean.’ Yoongi asked but it was only half a question.

‘I do. That’s why it hurt so much hyung. Being reminded that we are friends, just friends.’ Taehyung lamented and Yoongi chanced a glance at younger.

‘The song.’

‘I guess that was the last straw hyung.’

‘But it is so beautiful. I have heard it Taehyung and no one writes lyrics like that for someone they don’t love. Maybe Jimin also loves you back and he just doesn't see it. I mean, he is not the brightest one out there and with this fucked up relationship he has been in, maybe he just never realised.’ Yoongi said, turning to Taehyung who smiled sadly in response.

‘I do wish that was the case hyung. Maybe it is. I don’t know. You know, back in December, things got a bit fucked between us. I wanted to end everything back then. Put a stop to this insanity which I never understood. I could feel the bitterness towards him, towards what he wanted and whatever we had. Even if I loved him, I hated what we had. And then he came back again as Jimin, the friend I have always known, and gifted me this song. He said this was just ours and I can’t tell you how nice it felt back then hyung. I was mad and irritated but the moment I heard it, everything melted away. I was back to realising that I truly loved him in all capacities that I am able of.’

‘Tae, I won’t sugar-coat things or go around in circles. You guys have had a very toxic intimate relationship, from what I can see. But it wasn’t always like that, was it? You’ve had one of the nicest friendships I’ve ever known. Maybe things got fucked up because of circumstances and shit. But that doesn’t mean Jimin doesn’t love you.’ Yoongi said grabbing Taehyung’s hand in his own.

‘I never said he doesn’t love me hyung. I know he loves me; I know that. I just don’t think it’s the kind of love I feel for him or want from him. And well, the song, he changed the title yesterday and if that’s not drawing the line, I don’t know what is. You know Charlie visited him, don’t you?’ Taehyung said with a constant sad smile painted on his face. He was trying to hide his emotions still, and it pained Yoongi to see Taehyung mask up like that. He wondered when Taehyung had mastered the art so well as to fool them all.

‘But then why the fuck would he come to you after that?’

‘My guess is as good as yours hyung. Maybe comfort, familiarity, escape… I don’t know hyung. He didn’t say much and I didn’t ask.’

‘And what if that’s the problem, hmm? You guys not talking about how you feel.’ Yoongi suggested and Taehyung looked up at him.

‘Hyung, it’s not like we have never talked about it. And believe me, he has made it clear that I’m no more than a friend to him.’ Taehyung asserted a faraway distant look in his eyes.

‘The one he has sex with on regular basis.’

‘Hyung!’

‘What?’

‘Jimin’s still in a relationship. Has been since the day any and all of this started. He has said it to my face and made it clear several times that he is in one and that he loves Charlie. What more do you want me to say? It’s not like I haven’t wished he wasn’t in one. I feel shit to admit this but there have been times where I hoped he’d break up with Charlie and we could talk, have a chance. But… Yesterday, you didn’t see the dorm hyung. Charlie, he… I don’t know hyung. They are in a relationship, a proper one. With me, it has always been just physical.’ Taehyung said slumping down, fiddling with his own fingers.

‘What about you? Has it also been always physical for you too?’

‘You know the answer to that hyung. Why ask again.’

‘Just cuz… I don’t get it Tae, I really don’t. The moment you told me you love Jimin, it was like things fit for me. I guess I’d always expected that to happen in the back of my head. Seeing you two and then, it just made sense. But now, it doesn’t. It doesn’t make sense to me how Jimin is in this relationship, whatever kind it is. And all this time, you guys have been having sex too. And then you fall for him but he doesn’t. Does this make sense Taehyung-ah?’ Yoongi stated bluntly, looking him dead in the eyes. Taehyung could see Yoongi was still genuinely struggling to make sense of the situation. That made two of them in the same boat.

‘I know that but still. Like how do I wrap my head around the fact that Jimin might actually love Charlie and not you? That you fell for him and he didn’t. I mean, him and Charlie… Be frank with me Tae, you didn’t think it was really legit, did you? Like, sure, they are in a relationship but I always thought that was just a passing phase. I believe all of us did. It’s not like we didn’t see how ‘not right’ their relationship is. So, does this make any sense that Jimin is actually like he might actually love this guy? And on top of that, string you along in that mess, his own soulmate, and not fall for you. Is it just me who find it weird?’

‘Hyung! Don’t go around reading fanfictions. Real-life is not like that.’ Taehyung said smiling again, the same pained smile.

‘Taehyung-ah! What do you take me for? We live with you both. Who’d know things better than us?’ Yoongi shot back. For some reason, things were making him irritated. Nothing was fitting in as it should’ve, Taehyung was clearly trying to hide his pain still behind half-hearted jokes and comments. And they weren’t getting anywhere close to any sort of conclusion, at least not the one he could be content with.

‘I thought I knew the best too hyung. You know how that ended up.’ Taehyung said, his voice wobbling a bit. Yoongi softened up at that.

‘Tae.’

‘Hyung, I have been deluding myself enough these past months. Trying to not think and be oblivious. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t take it anymore.’

‘Ok, let us suppose that is the case then, that Jimin loves Charlie and this all between you was just… Where does that leave you? Where does that leave us? Does Jimin even know how bad you’re hurting over this?’

‘I don’t know hyung. I am sorry but I really don’t know.’

‘You should tell him then, talk it out. You can’t keep ignoring it and letting all this hurt fester. You can’t keep living like this Taehyung-ah.’ Yoongi implored the younger again. He might not be able to wrap his head around the situation, but Yoongi knew communication couldn’t be all that bad.

‘Hyung! I can’t just go to him and confess. What would I even say? Also, when he is in a relationship. On top of that, we are part of the same group and I am scared hyung. I’m really scared that if things implode, it’ll ruin everything. And it’s not just that. The nature of the relationship we’ve had has not been the best. That scares me the most hyung.’ Taehyung said, few tears making their way down his cheeks.

‘Taehyung-ah!’

‘I love him hyung, I do. But I don’t know if anything could work out right now. I don’t like the person I am when I’m with him. Not when I act the way I do or think what I think. Not when I let myself be strung along. I felt too pathetic sometimes hyung. I questioned my place in his life, my worth. I love him too much and he has been my rock hyung. But when I’m with Jimin like that, I feel like I lose a part of me every single time. It’s not like I don’t enjoy it, but it’s never for the right reasons. It’s not like I don’t like him, but it’s taken a toll on me. And the way I behave, that’s not even me hyung.’

‘Tae, everyone is different inside and outside…’

‘I know hyung. I’m not ashamed of what or who I like, I don’t think I am. But this feeling, this darkness, I don’t like that hyung. Every time we’ve been together, none of it has ever felt right to me. It was for comfort or satisfaction or carnal need but never was it for love. And that breaks me a little more than I’d like hyung. We’ve had sex numerous times, but it always lacked that warmth and love. I’d always just end up feeling emptier than before. And I don’t like that hyung. I don’t want that. I love Jimin, I do. I love him more than anything. But I just can’t. I can’t let it consume me; I don’t want to hyung.’ Taehyung said, tears trickling down his cheeks. Yoongi didn’t realise how much hurt and agony the younger was holding inside. But he knew that things were much more complicated than open relationships and sex. Something inside Taehyung had been broken. It seemed like even the younger’s love for Jimin wouldn’t be enough to mend it, or even if that was the correct way to go about it.

‘No, you don’t deserve that Tae. Love is love but not at the cost of oneself. That’s what we always talk about and I can’t tell you not to follow that. You don’t need to let it consume you or anything. You don’t deserve that and it’s ok to fight for yourself.’ Yoongi said bringing the younger in his embrace.

‘Namjoon hyung always said that it’s important to love oneself before we can love others, right. I love Jimin, but I don’t love myself so much hyung. I don’t even know myself right now. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him but I don’t want to lose myself too. I feel so fucked hyung. I feel so fucked.’ Taehyung said crying in his embrace and Yoongi held him tighter.

Things had been difficult for Taehyung and Yoongi could guess they were only going to get tougher for the younger one. Yoongi just wished he could lessen the hurt and help out his dongsaeng.

And as Taehyung cried his heart out in his embrace, Yoongi vowed to help out Taehyung as much as he could. He wasn’t enjoying seeing Taehyung hurt like this. So, he was going to make sure the younger one didn't hurt anymore. Along with this whole affair of Taehyung and Jimin, the younger had fallen in some pit of despair. Something had been broken inside him and Yoongi could feel that what all Taehyung told him was just the tip of the iceberg. Taehyung had a lot more to deal with, both mentally and emotionally. And Yoongi promised he’d try his best to be a good hyung to the younger one. Things wouldn’t be easy but they would get better somehow. Yoongi believed that; he needed to believe that.

Notes:

A very emotion heavy chapter with lots of things clearing up. Till now, I feel I've made Tae seem like he knows stuff but always running away. With Yoongi in this chapter, I guess he comes to realise and verbalise a lot of his thoughts and feelings. I am trying to make things a bit less toxic with Tae coming to terms with stuff. Will see how I want to proceed now.
I hope you enjoyed this big ass chapter and the whole Taegi scene. I'll continue trying my best and finish this story without much regrets.
Please leave a comment or kudo, that really helps and motivates me.
Lots of love!

TMI- I just found the original plot note when I just got the idea for this. And it was meant to be something like Vmin being friends with benefits but majorly because Jimin wanted some experience. Then he was meant to fall for JK and a JiKook relationship with forlorn Tae. Not very concrete but that's how this story started and look at it now...

Chapter 22: Chapter 20

Notes:

Here I am with another chapter. I tried to switch up the pace a bit but I hope this doesn't feel rushed. I feel we need to get to some major angst parts now. So yes...
Also, thank you everyone for the support and love! It really means a hella lot!
Enjoy!

Yoongi couldn’t believe it was already the last day of their comeback promotions. Their current album was charting on all major streaming platforms, viewership and album sales breaking records and adding a few more trophies to their collection. Congratulatory messages and words of appreciation were littered on their social media handles. Seeing the great response made him happy too. They had worked themselves to the bones for this album, perfecting every single aspect of it, working day in day out. As he changed out of his sweaty performance clothes, his eyes fell on the one person occupying his mind lately. Looking at the nonchalant expression on Taehyung as he swiftly grabbed the make-up remover pads and patted them at his neck. It was difficult for Yoongi to not feel as if months had passed. While it hadn’t been long since Taehyung had broken down in front of him and cried his heart out.

Yoongi remembered how bad the younger looked, broken down. He wasn’t even sure how Taehyung would even be able to answer the team or management, much less perform. But the younger’s resilience had shocked him. He could only blink as Taehyung handled the onslaught of questions and queries glibly. By the next day, all seven of them were performing like a well-oiled machine. Looking at Taehyung throughout work engagements, practices and comeback, it would be impossible for anyone to even doubt that something was wrong. But Yoongi knew things weren’t as smooth as they looked.

‘Hyung!’ Yoongi’s attention was brought back by Jimin’s words. He hastily put on his beanie and jacket. ‘Jk’s going to the studio so you’re up with me.’ Jimin informed him before the younger was dragged by Hoseok for taking some selcas.

Yoongi nodded and stashed his things in the bag. Soon he followed Jimin in the car assigned to them and settled in. Jimin pulled out his mobile, opening Twitter and probably posting a message for their fans. Yoongi settled back in the seat and glanced at the younger. Seeing and hearing Taehyung had enraged Yoongi at the time. But as his anger simmered down and his rationale came back, he wondered what was going on with Jimin. Whether the thing between the two 95s was a misunderstanding or miscommunication. He wished it was either of those things only and Jimin wasn’t dragging Taehyung knowingly. He felt it wasn’t the case but Yoongi was wise enough to know that sometimes, in certain situations, a person was capable of destroying the one they loved dearly just to escape that pain themselves. And Yoongi desperately wished that that was not what was happening. It would be a real tragedy.

‘How’ve you been Jimin-ah?’ he asked suddenly, a bit shocked at his own actions. Jimin turned to him and smiled.

‘I’m doing good. The performances and recordings have been taxing but well, ARMYs are loving it so I guess that makes up for it! How’s your shoulder hyung?’

‘Huh… Yeah, it’s ok. I need to get it checked up before we leave for the tour though. Get some shots and stuff.’ Yoongi said as he tried to read Jimin’s face for any answers that could help him understand just why things had turned out like that for his dongsaengs. He wasn’t sure Taehyung had mentioned anything to Jimin. So maybe for Jimin, nothing was wrong.

‘Yes, you should. I really suggest you get the surgery done after we’re done with the tours. It’s been getting worse for the past year now.’ Jimin said with a sympathetic tone, shooting Yoongi a small smile before going back to his phone.

‘Yes, I should.’ Yoongi said before he turned to look outside the window. His heart was not ready to accept that Jimin could ever willingly hurt anyone, much less Taehyung. But his heart was not able to figure out why when and how things went wrong and more importantly, how they could be fixed.

If only he could find the root of the problem, it would give him better chances to solve the problem. Or maybe not solve but support his dongsaengs and help them sort out things between them. Yoongi was always vocal about how much he adored the 94s and 95s relationship within the group. It always had been something that was there. Friends, especially of the same age, were a luxury for him. Earlier as well after coming into the industry. He relied on the members but being one of the older ones, they relied on him more. And that was ok with Yoongi. But it also made him appreciate same age friendship a bit more in how comfortable and open they were. With older or younger friends, it was easier to upset the balance if you treated the bond casually. But at the same age, it was much more relaxed. The whole hierarchy thing didn’t make sense to him too at times, but it was something he had grown up with.

Therefore, he appreciated the bond 95s had. Not to mention the two were the sweeter ones in their group. Their bond added more vibrance to them as a whole and both of them together was just a joy for all of them. So, Yoongi kept trying to find clues or answers. Throughout the whole practise sessions before they were to go for their tour and throughout the tour as well.
Taehyung hadn’t said much to him since the incident and Yoongi didn’t want to nag at the younger. Yoongi knew that with everything, Taehyung needed the space, physically and mentally to sort things out. Not to mention he had to act like he was fine and go on with work, something which made Yoongi sad, because why should Taehyung suffer like that. But it also made Yoongi see Taehyung in a new light, one where he came to respect Taehyung’s professionalism and spirit even more.

Still, Yoongi tried to comfort him and let the younger one know he was there. Whether that was through keeping snacks in the younger's bag or occasional touches and hand squeezes here and there. Taehyung would always smile at him and that made Yoongi feel like he was being of some help. Though the lingering sadness hidden in Taehyung’s eyes made Yoongi want to just sort everything out with a snap of his fingers. But things like that were fictional fantasy and Yoongi was wiser than that.

He had no way of knowing what was going through Taehyung’s head. And that bothered him. Yoongi wasn’t sure why. Taehyung had always been someone like that, suffering silently, trying to sort out his problems on his own and never showing his agony or pain. Maybe the real-life acting was what made him become such a good actor on screen too. While it saddened Yoongi that Taehyung kept shutting himself off even from Yoongi, someone who knew more than others about his hardship, it was understandable. Yoongi could understand why Taehyung was the way he was. Taehyung was the oldest in his family and stayed with his grandparents, faced many hardships. Even though his outer disposition was goofy and carefree, inside, Taehyung was much wiser and more mature inside. He knew how to take responsibility, support others, and take care of others.

It had been quite conflicting at the start when they had been paired together as a team. The three oldest were younger siblings at home while the next three in line were older siblings in their family. That made for a strange dynamic and it took lots of getting used to things as a group. So, it wasn’t difficult to see why the older ones at home were the more reserved ones regarding their private issues and struggles, or why they took more burden on themselves to be ideal and struggled silently. And initially, it was Jimin who took care of Taehyung more. But as Jimin’s own crisis and external voices took hold, it was Taehyung who rescued him and since then, something had shifted in the 95s dynamic too. Yoongi couldn’t say for certain but he felt the close proximity, the dependence and support, mixed with love and feelings, maybe would have worked out. But an external toxic relationship with an equally messed up intimate relationship. People were fragile and they could only handle so much.… Yoongi really couldn’t comment on their bond but he was sure that this was too much in every aspect.

Yoongi wanted to know more because he was a hyung to both of them, loved them and wanted the two to be happy. He could shoot out the aspect of being a group member as well for a moment but even as a person, he wanted things to work out. But it didn’t look like that was something that was bound to happen anytime soon with the conservation he stumbled on to.
They had been on tour for two weeks now. They had rented out a small studio for practise as the current tour was on an unimaginable scale. And thus, they needed to practise still. One such evening, after practice, everyone had taken off mostly and Yoongi was on his way too. Till he remembered he had left some of his notes and phone back in the practice room. And on the way to fetch it, he heard voices coming from inside. Wondering who it was, he increased his pace but stopped when he realised it was the two people he had been concerned about for the last few weeks.

‘We broke up!’ came what Yoongi knew to be Jimin’s voice.

‘What!?’

‘Me and Charlie, we broke up.’

‘Is it real this time?’

‘What do you mean by that?’

‘Nothing.’

‘What Tae? If you have something to say then just say it.’

‘I am asking if it’s real this time around… If you guys have actually really broken up. Or if this is just one of your off times.’

‘I’m telling you about my break up and you’re questioning it? When did you get so insensitive Taehyung-ah?’

‘What? I was just asking Jimin. It’s not like I’ve not heard this line a dozen times already. So, I was just asking if you guys have broken up for good or not.’

‘Are you really justifying that? I just broke up and you want to rub salt on my wounds now. Really Taehyung? Are you sure you’re even my best friend?’

‘You tell me that Jimin. Am I your best friend? Or am I even your friend anymore?’

Yoongi flinched at the dark tone Taehyung’s voice took with that statement. He moved towards the door, staying partially hidden but having a clear sight of the younger two standing in the middle of the practice room.

‘What?’ Jimin squeaked out, unsure of what the question meant. Until Taehyung gave him a pointed look and suddenly it dawned on Jimin. Taehyung was talking about their song. Yoongi rolled his eyes at that too. But his attention was still on the two.

‘Don’t be absurd Tae. You’ll always be… my friend.’ Jimin stuttered out and Taehyung smirked.

‘Just a friend, right?’ Taehyung said in a low dark tone and even Yoongi felt goosebumps on his arms. Is this how Taehyung went with Jimin? Was this a part of something that Taehyung had mentioned being afraid of, his own inner darkness?

‘You know I had to change it, Tae. That’s work. Let’s not drag that into our personal lives.’ Jimin said, turning around and running his hand through his hair.

‘Ok, wow! You had to change it! Why?’ Taehyung demanded.

‘What?’

‘Tell me Jimin, why? Why did you absolutely have to change the name of the song? The song that’s about you and me, about our whole journey, about our little personal things, our memories… A song you wrote for me and we sang together, about being each other’s soulmate. Then what was the fucking reason that you just had to change it?’ Taehyung enunciated, his pitch rising up.

‘Tae…’ Jimin muttered, glancing at Taehyung before averting his gaze. ‘You know how it is, don’t you?’

‘No Jimin, I don’t. I don’t know anything anymore for fucks sake. You said it was a gift for me. That I could choose the name. Isn’t that why we came up with that chorus? Because we’ve always been soulmates? And don’t even start about professional and personal lives. We’ve been called soulmates million times on record these past years. In fact, we’ve called each other that. Then why would you go around fucking changing that?’ Taehyung asked, grabbing Jimin’s elbow and turning the older man around to face him.

To say Yoongi was shocked and flustered would be an understatement. Listening to the conversation between the younger two, seeing them as they were in each other’s personal space and the tension, was overwhelming Yoongi. He couldn’t believe seeing how different the two acted right now and the whole situation made him want to walk away. But a part of him kept him glued to the spot.

‘I had to Taehyung-ah. I didn’t want anyone to find out.’ Jimin spoke out and Taehyung let go of Jimin’s hand. He stared at the shorter for a few moments, emotions changing at a rapid pace.

‘Find out what? Find out what Jimin-ah?’ Taehyung said, shrugging at the older’s frame.

‘That I’m fucking my best friend. There you go. Did you get your answer? Are you happy?’ Jimin spat out looking up at Taehyung.

‘What!?’ Taehyung said, taking a step back. It felt like he had been slapped as he tried to gather his bearings.

‘Don’t pretend like you’re okay with this. Clearly, you are not. And I… I feel so stupid for even. FUCK! Yes, I changed the name of our song. I changed the name of the song I wrote for you with all my sincerity and love. Among all this fucked up shit, that was one thing pure and I tainted that even. Are you happy now? Is that what you wanted to hear?’ Jimin continued.
‘Yes. I changed it. When we came up with the name, I swear I was as happy as you were. Among all the fucked-up things in my life, that song was something I was genuinely proud of and wanted to share with everyone. But then, my insecurities crept up. I felt like putting the word soulmate out there was too much. Sure, we have said it, but a song. Surely that’s insane right. Not to mention we were fucking around Tae. I was scared, paranoid, whatever. I didn’t want to put it out there lest someone figures it out. Figures out that I’m fucking you. Or how bloody dependent I’m on you. My life feels so fucked up Tae and you’re the only one who is, who makes me feel ok. When I’m with you, I don’t have to worry about anything. Not Charlie, or my relationship, not how fucked it feels, not how I feel like such a fuck up, not about any of my insecurities. You are you. And I didn’t want anyone to see it, to even imagine that…’ Jimin halted in his words, taking a deep breath he didn’t know he had been holding. Jimin sighed as Taehyung looked at him with a forlorn expression.

‘I’m sorry Tae. Call it guilt or shame or self-preservation or cowardice, but I did that.’ Jimin said as he sank down on the floor.

‘Are we even that then? Are we even friends?’ Taehyung asked suddenly.

Hearing the question had Yoongi stumbling as well in his position. Looking at the two spitting out words and now with this question, Yoongi didn’t know where the conversation would even go now. And so, he started to take a step back and turn around to leave.

‘What do you mean by that Tae?’ Jimin looked at him in horror.

‘I don’t think I can do this anymore Jimin-ah. Any of it. I can’t.’ Taehyung’s words rang out loud in the empty room and even had Yoongi stopping in his tracks. Taehyung’s cracked voice, the slight tremble in his timbre.

‘What are you saying?’ Jimin asked in a panicked voice.

‘This, us, whatever it is. I can’t.’ Taehyung said in a dead flat tone. Though even feets apart, Yoongi could hear the crack. He turned back to look at the two and what happened in the next few minutes had him in shock.

‘Tae?’ Jimin asked, his voice timid.

‘I am really sorry Jimin but I fucking can’t. I can’t be like this with you. I can’t be your best friend on camera and pretend everything’s ok. And then fuck you like it means anything and then pretend as if nothing happened the next day. I can’t be the friend you share your break up news with or someone you seek comfort from. I can’t be the person you rely on or you need. I don’t think I can even be your friend right now Jimin-ah. It’s too much. It hurts a lot and I just can’t.’ Taehyung said as he took a few steps away from Jimin.

‘Taehyung-ah, what are you talking about?’

‘I don’t want this to hurt. I don’t want you to hurt but I also don’t want to get hurt. I just, I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t…’ Taehyung bent down, breathing faster, yet nothing was making sense. He was trying to breathe in but the air seemed to refuse his attempts. His head was dizzying and the world was fading in and out of focus. He bent down, trying to squeeze in himself, make himself small so that maybe things could just snap back to normal.

Jimin reached out and tried to grab Taehyung but the younger flinched the second Jimin’s hand touched his shoulder. Jimin immediately withdrew his hand, trying to call Taehyung’s name. To make him focus on his voice. The sight was not unusual for Jimin but mostly it had been him on the other end as Taehyung held him and made his breathing even out. With the roles reversed, Jimin was at a loss of what to do.

‘Taehyung-ah!’ a voice rang out in the empty practice room and Jimin looked at the door. Yoongi was standing there with a bottle of cider in his hand and a shocked expression. Looking back at Taehyung, the younger was looking paler by the second.

Yoongi rushed over, immediately turning Taehyung around and wrapping his arms around the younger, pulling him in a hug. Jimin could only stare at the scene unfolding in front of his eyes. It didn’t feel real anymore. It felt like an out-of-body experience because all he could do was look and not be able to move a single muscle. As if his body was not even in his control.

‘Taehyung! Hey, hey! Look at me. Look at hyung. Tae!’ Yoongi said, cupping the younger’s face in his hand and forcing his gaze to meet his own.

‘Breathe Tae. C’mon, breathe with me. In… Out… Five more times ok. In… out…’ Yoongi focussed on holding Tae’s trembling body still and making the other’s breathing come back to normal. Soon, he could see Taehyung breathing in and out on his own and gently caressed the other’s cheeks.

‘Yes, very good. Focus on me ok. Very good! Yes, that’s it. Just in, and out. Yes!’ Yoongi kept encouraging Taehyung to breathe in a steady pattern. Once he was certain that the younger had his bearing under control, he let go of his face and held him by shoulders.

‘Are you ok now Tae?’ The younger one nodded and Yoongi gave him a big smile.

‘Are you really ok Tae?’ Jimin’s voice rang out and both Yoongi and Taehyung turned towards him. Jimin was relieved to see the colour back on Taehyung’s face. But he was also conflicted and moreso, confused.

‘Yeah. You should go home Jimin. I think we’re done here.’ Taehyung said in a gruff voice.

‘Tae!’

‘Jimin, I think you should really leave, please. I’d rather not have a repeat of what I walked in on.’ Yoongi said sternly, his tone filled with a strong tone of finality.

Jimin looked at the two for a few moments before he walked out. Leaving the room, he looked back and saw Yoongi cupping Tae’s face, pushing the younger’s hair out of his face. Something tickled his insides. He knew he needed to sort out stuff but his emotions have always been the ones to get the better out of him. It felt like this time might not be any different as well.

Notes:

Whoops... That was a long and hard chapter for me. Majorly because at times, I don't know how to start chapter so that it sounds fresh but retains continuity with the previous chapter as well. And then the time pacing along with me putting a lot of commentary in there. I feel I put a lot of what I feel or how I perceive them in here too. I don't know, does that work or not as a reader for you all?
Also, I'm trying to put out a very weighted and balanced approach to VMIN situation through Yoongi's lens. I think to look at them as 3rd person, he's a really good choice. So, I'm trying to work on that too and put forth a relatively nuanced look at relationship and people in general too. Let me know though, if it gets heavy...
Also thanks for the support! The kudos, comments, everything really cheer me up a lot and motivate me, so keep dropping them!

Chapter 23: Chapter 21

Summary:

A change in perspective could be a wonderful tool.

Notes:

Hello everyone!
I can't believe this story has gotten 10k hits now. That is beyond insane and I can't thank you enough. For real.
So, I felt maybe a new chapter could get my gratitude through to you.
I sincerely hope you enjoy this chapter and story. And again, thank you very much for the love and support!

It’s not abnormal for someone to make unwise decisions or turn to things to numb the pain. Especially when your insides feel twisted and fucked. When things just don’t make sense and comprehending one’s own emotions feel like an enormous task. When trying to confront one’s own thoughts, feelings and emotions feel more burdensome than just burying all of them inside. Jimin didn’t know whether the life choices he was making were wise or right. But all he knew was that turning to alcohol once in a while was very good at numbing his mind and the pain he felt inside. That, performing songs after songs, every weekend, at different places, with the crowd cheering his name was a good dopamine hit; good enough to forget the thorn piercing his insides.

With the tour unfolding, days were passing by in a blur. Every week, they were in a new city, or a new country, playing shows, travelling and practising like nothing else mattered. And Jimin, he was going all out. He tried to put every ounce of energy he had into the performances. He tried to avert his gaze from the person he used to know as home and just focus on his own reflection. At times that worked, but mostly, it didn’t. So, he drowned the pain and hurt and confusion in alcohol. Or if he had the energy and mind, he’d go out and party and flirt around. Though things never went further because no matter who, it never felt right. None of their words or touches felt like what he wanted. None of them could give him the control or the peace he craved. Not like Taehyung’s presence. Maybe it was because no one among them was Kim Taehyung. And Jimin knew that. But what was he to do? He was desperate and nothing seemed to be working out for him.

So, he tried to drown all the thoughts and noises out. Yet in the silence of the night, as he laid drunk on his bed, feeling numb, his mind wandered off to Taehyung.

If someone were to ask Jimin, what the fuck was going on, he wouldn’t know how to answer that. He didn’t know how things turned out this way. Just a year before, things couldn’t be better. He was living his best life. As a group, they were gaining recognition, breaking into uncharted territories and getting success. He had his members and his family and was in love with a handsome and nice man. Things couldn’t have been better. But he remembered how all the happiness, all the success started feeling fake. How he started feeling like a fake person. As the pressure kept increasing, the expectations felt like a burden too heavy for them to carry.

All of them went through their own hardships and words just wouldn’t come out; except when he was tucked in Taehyung’s side at night and cried his eyes out. Somehow it had always been like that with his friend. Just the mere presence of Taehyung was enough to calm him down. Jimin didn’t know how to describe the effect Taehyung have always had on him. But he knew that the younger made him feel safe and happy. Safe enough to divulge his darkest secrets and insecurities. Happy enough to not care about anything else in the world. He didn’t know how to name the feeling so he bothered not to and decided to bask in the warmth of Kim Taehyung.

But before he knew it, things spiralled out of control. As if the professional pressure wasn’t enough, his love life started falling apart as well. It was no secret to his members that he had struggled heaps with coming to terms with his own identity and sexuality. And just when things felt stable with Charlie, things got fucked up. Not once or twice or thrice but as a continuous loop. Jimin was not foolish, no. He was just foolish in love.

His members had advised him to cut off the strings with Charlie. Taehyung’s displeased expressions every time he and Charlie got back together were enough to tell him that things might be getting worse. But he held on. Jimin held on. At first, it was for his love for Charlie. But later, he held on just for the sake of it. Because this was the first partner, he had who accepted Jimin for who he was. Charlie never mocked Jimin or disrespected him. Sure, they fought and with their careers, commitment to each other never was the top priority. But Jimin was hooked. He loved that he had someone who loved him like that. For some time, that was enough; until it wasn’t. The long-distance seemed possible. The physical distance and lack of intimacy seemed possible. That was until he got the taste of something he never dreamed of.

The first time he had kissed Taehyung, that was an honest mistake. He was drunk, freshly broken up and starved of intimate touch. And so, he kissed Taehyung.

He had no intention of repeating the mistake of fucking up the one thing in the entire world that made him feel safe, that made him happy. Taehyung was his happy place. But sometimes emotions and needs can’t be helped. So even with that determination, he faltered. He fell for the temptation and from then, it kept happening over and over again. It was like someone had hooked him up to morphine or heroin or some fucking drug. He couldn’t get enough of Taehyung, in all aspects.

Taehyung gave him the comfort, the warmth, the peace he lacked and craved for. When he was with Taehyung, he didn’t have to think or worry. He could just be in the moment. He could give the reins to Taehyung and let himself just be. The warmth and safety he felt when he was with Taehyung were unparalleled to anything else. So Jimin decided to be selfish and take every inch of that warmth. He didn’t think much of his decisions, his actions or why he was acting that way. He didn’t bother to figure out what was wrong or not. He didn’t bother with anything at all. Jimin just decided to bask in the glow and fire Taehyung ignited in him.

But things couldn’t just be constant no matter how Jimin wanted them to be. With more work commitments, and more expectations piling up, his own inadequacies and insecurities kept coming to bite him. His own fears haunted him and kept him up for nights. So, he replaced them with sex and alcohol and drowned himself in work. He ignored all the red flags in any and all relationships. That was till things went southward with Taehyung. Jimin was so up in his head that it took Hoseok pointing out the tension between the two 95s that Jimin realised something was up.

Once he noticed it himself, Jimin couldn’t help but feel empty. And stupid. How could he fuck up the one thing that was keeping him alive? How could he fuck up things with Taehyung? No, that just simply couldn’t be. Taehyung was far more valuable to him than that. So, he picked up himself and tried to work on making things better. No matter how pressured he felt as BTS Jimin or how his personal life was going to shit, he couldn’t lose Taehyung. Jimin knew he couldn’t afford that.

Then came the song, the gift, and things started to look just slightly better. He could bask in that same warmth and for the time, that was more than enough. If possible, Jimin would run away from everything and straight to Taehyung’s arms and tuck himself away in the younger’s chest. And Jimin was slowly but surely realising just why he felt that way. He was on his way to figuring out just what his feelings meant; just what Taehyung meant to him. But things could never be that easy, not when the whole world felt like it would collapse on Jimin.

Seeing Charlie in the dorm, feeling Taehyung’s hand slipping out of his own, the harsh reality struck down on him. Jimin was chasing a utopia. He was chasing something that wasn’t his. He was running from the inevitable eventuality. Because how could he even imagine anything more than how things were. He was still Park Jimin, a young man who was still ridiculed for his looks, for his voice, for being himself. He was still inadequate and all that success didn’t really belong to him. Jimin didn’t deserve any of it, he was just lucky to have it. And his boyfriend, the only one who accepted his sexuality. The only one who did love him like that. How foolish of him to imagine leaving his reality and wishing for something more.

Spending the day with Charlie, it was like someone had broken his mirage. Jimin felt overwhelmed and confused and angry and pathetic and lost all at the same time. At the end of it, all his success felt fake to him. His hard work and skills seemed inadequate at best. His sexual preference and wants felt wanton and gross. His feelings felt like they would choke him and his desire for the warmth and pure love made him feel like he was asking way more than he deserved. And at the end of the day, he made a decision to enjoy that utopia once more before he took many steps back and made some irreversible decisions.

Jimin knew things. He was not naive. He wasn’t blind either. He knew things and knew the weight of his actions as well as his decisions. But he still made them because that’s what he felt like he deserved. He felt like shit, but he deserved it, didn’t he? Ironically, it was the same song that had been his light before that came to his rescue. They were on tour and a meeting had been called to discuss the upcoming Festa. They would be doing unit songs and suddenly, things just started falling in place. Jimin looked at Taehyung huddled over with Jungkook and Jin and things just made sense. It was Taehyung. It had to be Taehyung. Nothing else mattered. No one else would do.

That night, Jimin went back to his room and played the song on repeat. He laid on his bed and went on Twitter, scrolling down and down, right to their pre-debut days. Memories after memories hitting him up. He opened his gallery and scrolled through the thousands of pictures of him with his members, of him with Taehyung, of just Taehyung. His gallery was filled with that one face. No matter the date or month or year, Taehyung was just always there, beside him, with him. That square smile, the mischievous sparkle, the handsome face; all photos just radiated the joy and every fucking memory he had made with his best friend, with his soulmate. Everything just came to a standstill at Taehyung's face; an image burned in Jimin’s mind and soul better than even his own.

Shit. Fuck. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was what love felt like.

At that moment, Jimin felt his world turn upside down. Because the possibility grew stronger by the second. Maybe he was in love with Kim Taehyung. Maybe he had always been and just never realised.

Notes:

I'm very curious about your thoughts on this chapter. I can't explain what went through my head and the emotions but things are getting insanely emotional for me.
So yeah, I hope you enjoyed this change of perspectives. As I always say, there's no black and white.
Leave me a kudo or review, let me know what you thought.
I'm thinking of one more chapter from Jimin's pov before switching things up. Would you like that? Should I?

And as always, Lots of love! Take care and stay safe everyone!

P.S.- I'm sorry if the quality or grammar in this chp was not up to the mark. I just wrote it as it came and did minimum editing to retain the rawness I wanted while expressing Jimin's side. It just had to be this way, I feel.

Chapter 24: Chapter 22

Notes:

Hello everyone! Thanks for the love and support.
Jimin's Pov continues in this. Will most probably shift back next chapter.
Also, I guess just 2 chapters left after this. That's what I'm planning on. I might write an epilogue but that'd depend on how it goes in the last chapter.
But for now, enjoy!

Love.

It’s a scary feeling. Uncertain and picky as fuck, but just as wonderful to be in. Contradicting, painful, awkward but sweet at the same time. You can never be certain when it comes to the details and aspects of it. No one knows how or when or why or even with whom they will fall for. Or even if the love that is there is legit love or just some other fleeting feelings. You can’t tell on its specifics and not to mention, a hidden agenda love seems to carry around is to confuse people all the same. So, it’s not easy, not at all. But because it's love, that’s all there is to it sometimes.

And Jimin was just realising all the aspects of love one can feel. Along with the other associated emotions.

Since the day he had realised he was in love with Taehyung, his world had seemed to flip upside down. Somehow Taehyung was everywhere yet not in enough places. His presence was always there but not there. The concerts, the practice, the shoots, everywhere, the only thing Jimin could see was Taehyung. His eyes would automatically land on the younger every time the latter walked in the room or out of it. Each of Taehyung’s actions would catch Jimin’s eyes. And it’s not like Jimin didn’t see Taehyung before. But suddenly, he could see Taehyung, all of him, everywhere. It was all he could see at times.

Jimin was confused and overwhelmed but also smiled more. Taehyung’s smiles made his heart race, especially when they were aimed at him. Sadly, those only happened mostly on stage but Jimin still cherished it the same. But mostly, Jimin was hit by the sadness in Taehyung’s eyes. He had some idea about it but was yet to entirely figure the reason for that out but seeing Taehyung in pain made it worse for Jimin. It was like Jimin could naturally absorb Taehyung’s emotions now. It was almost like a newly acquired power; or was it a curse? Most days, Jimin couldn’t answer.

He was fighting his own battles, with the weight of his own actions coming down hard on him. His previous choices felt like mistakes because how could he fuck things up with his own hands. But then, if he hadn’t made those choices, he might have never really realised his own feelings. It’s often said that whatever happens, does for a reason, and that was the only logic that kept Jimin sane at the time. Especially as he tried to come to terms with his feelings, his decisions and what he wanted henceforth.

Jimin knew he wanted to tell Taehyung, to share his heart and feelings. He was unsure if Taehyung felt the same way as him but a part of him was hopeful about it. The trick was how, when and where. Or even if he should. With the realisation of his feelings came the uncertainties. Should he just approach Taehyung and lay it all out? Should he ask him out for dinner and tell him then? Or should he just wait till the right time, whenever that was… Then there was the whole thing with Charlie.

It made him laugh at himself for how he had handled the whole scene with Charlie like a child. Being unsure, whimsical and sort of playing both sides. It hurt him to even think now, about how he kind of dragged Taehyung into the mess. And how he hadn’t been mature enough to just actually break it off with Charlie when he knew it was only hurting him each time. What was even the meaning of the whole thing, the whole relationship? Surely, he did fall for Charlie when they started dating. He loved how the other made him feel. Especially because of how open and accepting Charlie was about the whole sexuality thing. That made Jimin feel nice. But then insecurities, long distance and lack of communication had turned it sour.

Jimin realised that he should’ve just cut it off for good back the first time they had broken up. No matter how bad that would’ve hurt or scarred, he should’ve done himself right. Rather, he had jumped into a toxic cycle just because of fear of temporary pain. He’d let the thorn stay in his side till it festered and became rotten.

The conversation with Charlie was one full of more realisations and hurt. They both knew they’d be better off without the other but it had still hurt. Jimin didn’t think it would, not after he knew that it was good for him to break up, to cut strings off and start afresh. But it did and he knew he had to deal with it. He had to if he wanted to move on from the past. And he did want to move on. Though he wasn’t prepared for what would happen when he tried to.

They had been on tour for two weeks and with a lot more shows to go. The Festa was falling in between and they were simultaneously practising and preparing for that as well. One such day, after their practices, Jimin asked Taehyung to stay back so they could talk about how they wanted to do their unit song at the Festa. It had been decided before the tour that their last album units would perform their songs for their anniversary. The team had asked them to think it over and come up with how they wanted to go about the whole thing. As none of the unit songs was very hype and more conceptual in nature, the group wanted to go with storytelling performances.

Taehyung had stayed back with him as everyone filed out. Jimin was anxious and fidgeting. It was not common for the two of them to be alone in a room for some time now. The last time they had been was when he had gone to Taehyung’s room back then. Thinking about that and how things had panned out afterwards, Jimin was more nervous than ever. They were discussing the performance ideas and how it would be nice to re-create the set based on their memories. But the business-like tone was even more frightening. It was only making Jimin realise how fucked up things have gotten and made him grow even more fidgety.

‘I’ll let Jinhyuk Hyung know we have come up with a basic theme and idea. It’d be better if we discussed the rest with him as he can guide us with how things could work out.’ Taehyung said flatly.

‘We broke up!’ Jimin said out loud suddenly, surprised at his own voice.

‘What!?’

‘Me and Charlie, we broke up.’

And from there onwards, things just seemed to go on a downhill ride.

Jimin just stood there as he watched his world come crashing down. With every word spoken between him and Taehyung, his heart sank further. Every sentence said by Taehyung pierced his heart inch by inch. The distant fear of not having his heart accepted, of having fucked up things beyond solution, and every other uncertainty was wrecking him over and over. His heart was beating fast and his mind racing with innumerable thoughts. He felt frustrated and angry. At himself, at the situation and even at Taehyung. Why couldn’t Taehyung see what he meant, or why he did what he did. Why couldn’t his best friend understand his actions and why the fuck would Taehyung even question their friendship? Had his actions warranted such extreme reactions? Had he fucked up so bad that Taehyung was seriously questioning their friendship, the very foundation between them?

He was trying to own up to his mistakes, his faults and his messed-up decisions. In the end, he was trying to explain why he did what he did. Call it justification or excuses but that explanation was all Jimin had. It was all he could offer because that was all there was to it. Jimin didn’t know how else to explain why he changed the name of the song other than his fear, his uncertainties and almost paranoia. He didn’t get it back then, but now he gets why he was afraid. But before he could even explain it, Taehyung was miles away already. Taehyung couldn’t hear him and that broke Jimin a lot more than he was prepared for.

There had been countless times when the members have had panic attacks. He himself has been subject to a lot of them. And the one person who was always there was Taehyung. Taehyung was his constant. But seeing Taehyung like that and not being able to do anything, that hurt. He felt useless and dumbfounded. Walking away, he was thankful that Yoongi had come and helped Taehyung out. But the sight of them together, of Yoongi holding Taehyung, even though the rational part of his brain was relieved, the other felt like it was being stabbed with a stick. He felt sick and ashamed, but also angry and frustrated. Why? Why must things turn out like this? Why should he suffer even more? He had been in wrong, Jimin would admit. But, why?

Things just seemed to take a turn for worse from then on. His love for Taehyung grew but so did the bitterness. He wanted Taehyung, but he couldn’t have him. Taehyung was just a breath away but then he seemed so far out of Jimin’s reach. Jimin just wanted to forget caution and thought and everything else and just reach for Taehyung and kiss him till the younger just understood what Jimin was feeling. But he couldn’t do that. Taehyung and he never shared a room alone since then. A staff member or a manager or members would always be there. And even if he could wave them off, Yoongi never seemed to leave Taehyung’s side since that day. A fact that made Jimin bitter over and over again. He himself couldn’t believe that he could ever feel that strong dislike for Yoongi, but he did.

The rational part of Jimin tried to rationalise the situation. It tried to remind Jimin that Yoongi must be there to support Taehyung. That something was awfully wrong with Taehyung and Yoongi was there to just be there for the younger. And that should be a good thing. But then at times, Jimin lost it. He knew he shouldn’t but he still got stung with jealousy and a bit of envy. Because he wanted to be there for Taehyung. He wanted to be with Taehyung. Jimin wished things could go back to how they were. But that was just wishful thinking. And even though it hurt Jimin when he saw Yoongi hold Taehyung, of Taehyung hug Yoongi, them sitting closely, or sharing a room, just together, Jimin tried to hold it. The worst scenarios would plague his mind. What if Yoongi and Taehyung were more than friends now. What if those two were dating, or worse, fucking each other. Dark thoughts would plague him deep in the night. But he restrained himself the best he could.

That is until one day he couldn’t.

They were in their last leg of the concert before they were to return to Korea for Festa. Their last destination and due to some mismanagement, the 7 members were to have to stay in 5 rooms. The staff had them pick the rooms out through games and coincidentally Jungkook and Taehyung and Jin and Yoongi were to share rooms while the others got independent rooms. Jimin’s mind was working on asking Jungkook to switch rooms with him. He was sure Jungkook being Jungkook, wouldn’t pass up the opportunity. And nobody would even really question him about it either. But then, at the last moment, as they were to go to their respective rooms, Yoongi told Jungkook to share the room with Jin and took Taehyung along with him leaving everyone a bit stunned. Jungkook looked at the retreating pair and then at Jin who looked equally confused. But they all shrugged it off before moving to their rooms. And by then Jimin had had it. This was too much for him. What were Yoongi and Taehyung playing at? Why would Yoongi just do that? Why?

Hyung, can we meet in my room after dinner. Need to talk.

Jimin hastily typed out the message before heading to his room.

OK.

Came the reply a few minutes later. The stage was set for a conversation about discontent, yet again.

Notes:

I'm not sure how I did this chapter as well. I don't feel too comfortable writing Jimin's Pov because it's hard to rationalise things equally well from both ends. It's hard to convey his emotions and his realisations. I don't want to draw up a big empathetic redemption arc for him per se. I try to write things as they are, or how I imagine him being and why he acted like that. I don't want to romanticise or gloss over the faulty decisions he made, but I also don't want him to come across as this absolute villain. He is a human and did what he did. but in the end, he's also hurt and had emotions and yeah... I don't want to justify why any of the characters did what they did but rather just put out the rawness behind their actions and emotions.
And that is really hard to do. At times IDK if I'm even doing a decent job or not. So, I mean, I hope I can put that across through my writing. I'm working hard on it and will do so till the end.
So, please support me till the end. I'm genuinely so thankful to everyone who has supported me throughout!
I'd love it if we can wrap this story up together.
I'll keep trying hard and do justice to this story. Trying my very best!

Lots of love!

Chapter 25: Chapter 23

Summary:

Why do I feel so empty right now?

Notes:

Thank you everyone for the support and love. Here's another chapter. Warning- it's fucking heavy and full of angst. So read with caution.
Enjoy!

‘Jimin-ah! Just tell them how you feel. Sincerely and honestly. That’s the only way to go about this. You shouldn’t be hurting when you love them so much.’

Jimin replayed the line over and over in his head like a mantra. He needed it, he needed to if he were to act on the advice. Standing in his position underneath the stage as the last festa concert was to begin, he repeated the words over and over in his head. Things had been way too emotional for him these past few days. With the wrapping up of concerts and doing festa, more so performing the unit song with Taehyung. Everything evoked strong emotions and Jimin was barely hanging on.

He kept repeating the conversation he had with Hoseok when shit went down for him that night, seeing Yoongi and Taehyung together. Rationally, his mind knew that maybe there was nothing like that going on between the two. But the seeds of doubt and ugly feelings were far more deeply entrenched in his mind than he had expected. And when he couldn’t take it anymore, he cried in the embrace of Hoseok. He had called the older over after dinner to his room and burst into tears seeing the older’s face. Hoseok had deftly handled the situation, immediately pulling him in a comforting hug and consoling him without even asking what was wrong.

Even if Hoseok had asked, Jimin wouldn’t have known how to answer him. Everything felt like it was imploding when on the surface, maybe nothing seemed wrong. The calm exterior was a strong facade he had mastered, so much so that it was hard for even his members to see underneath. He could fool everyone around him into thinking he was absolutely fucking alright when he really wanted to. That was, except Taehyung. His supposed best friend was the only exception. Always had been and maybe always will be. Jimin knew that if the circumstances were different, Taehyung would have already cornered him and made him spill his guts out. But that wasn’t going to happen this time around, a fact that broke Jimin even more inside.

So, he turned to someone who he relied on majorly. Hoseok was his ‘that’ person. Someone who always supported you, who let you be and silently comforted you. Someone who you’d seek advice from when things got rough. A trusted person. Someone with whom you built a solid relationship. Someone you relied on when you didn’t even know you needed to. It wasn’t what he had with Taehyung, no. With Taehyung, though they had worked extremely hard on their friendship, the bond was organic, fluid and just came naturally. It was intrinsic. With Hoseok, it was something built over time with hard work and energy. It wasn’t natural but built meticulously. While Taehyung was his soul place, Hoseok was his safe and sensible space.

And maybe it was selfish of him but he unloaded all his emotions that night as they sat in his room and drank wine. Jimin was cautious not to take names or be too specific about details, and Hoseok didn’t ask either. But the rest, the conflicting emotions, regrets, jealousy, love and everything in between, Jimin poured it all out. He took all of it out and lay it on the table for Hoseok to see. Because he couldn’t take it anymore. He hadn’t even known but he had been suffering for longer than he felt he was. Talking like that, made him realise how dumb he had been, to not introspect his feelings earlier, to not talk it out with anyone. How he had hurt others but also himself but never let himself realise it. How he had been self-sabotaging himself for so long.

Hoseok had just sat there and listened to him speak, to let it all out. He was shocked, he’d admit, that Jimin had been going through all that. But he was happy that the younger was letting it all out and finally realising things and wanted to amend things. So, when Jimin told him he loved someone so dearly, Hoseok smiled and told him to go for it. Even when Jimin described how he had fucked things up, how he had hurt this person and how many mistakes he had made, Hoseok still told him to confess. Because why not? Jimin loved him, and despite all, it seemed like Jimin’s affection wasn’t one-sided. If it was, the other would have left long ago. But they didn’t. They waited, even if it had hurt, even if they went through hell, they still were there for Jimin. And if that wasn’t love, what would be. Loving someone despite everything.

Sure, Jimin was stunned that Hoseok would say that. He expected the older to berate him, scold him for being so stupid and reckless. Reprimand him for making all those mistakes. But Hoseok had just asked him to confess and try to make things right. And so, he took that to heart. It’d be difficult, Jimin knew that. But he decided that he needed to be honest at least once.

So, as he went on the stage that day, his eyes kept landing back on Taehyung throughout the night. The whole festa felt like it was building up to the moment where it was just Taehyung and him. When it was their turn to perform their unit song, Jimin couldn’t resist staring at Taehyung throughout the performance, soaking in the glow only the younger radiated. He also couldn’t help breaking out in tears as they performed Spring Day for the encore. He couldn’t help but notice Taehyung’s eyes getting teary as well. Getting back down the backstage, Jimin kept crying, tears never stopping. He didn’t know who escorted him to the dressing room or anything at all. All he knew was he had retreated to the closet of their waiting room and was sitting down and crying.

Suddenly he felt someone step inside the dimly lit room and closed the door, locking it before kneeling in front of him.

‘Jimin-ah…’ Jimin could never not recognise that voice. The low timbre and velvet of a tone.

‘Tae…’ He looked up to see the younger kneeling in front of him. Taehyung was still dressed in the same clothes with his expressions tensed and wet bangs hanging on the front.

‘Taehyung-ah!’ Jimin exclaimed, hurriedly pulling the younger in for a hug, burying his head in his nape and crying some more. Taehyung stiffened a bit but gradually eased into the hug, circling his hand around Jimin and holding the other as they cried.

‘What happened Jimin? What’s wrong?’ Taehyung asked in a calm tone, patting Jimin’s back in order to calm the older down.

‘Tae… Taehyung.’ It was like saying the younger’s name only brought more tears to Jimin’s eyes. He couldn’t believe the younger was really there, much less holding him and comforting him. It had been so long since Taehyung had held him any way and it was more overwhelming now. He was remembering all the moments when Taehyung had held him these past years, been there for him. All the memories kept popping up in his head making him cry even more.

‘Jimin, stop crying. Tell me what happened. Look at me first.’ Taehyung said trying to pull away but Jimin only pulled him closer, afraid that once they pulled back, Taehyung would just disappear.

‘No. You are going to disappear like always.’ Jimin mumbled but Taehyung heard it, stiffening instantly.

‘Jimin-ah…’ Taehyung said as Jimin buried his head deeper, tears soaking through Taehyung’s shirt.

‘I’m sorry Tae. I’m so fucking sorry. I fucked up everything. I always fuck up every single thing. I am so sorry Taehyung-ah. I’m sorry.’ Jimin kept repeating the apologies, clutching at Taehyung’s cloth and sobbing.

Taehyung just sat still holding the older till he calmed down. When Jimin’s sobbing had subsided, Taehyung pulled back, getting back on his legs.

‘It’s ok Jimin-ah. Come out when you feel like it. We’ll be waiting.’ Taehyung said curtly before gently squeezing the older’s shoulder and walking out.

Taehyung was dumbfounded. This was the least of things he was expecting when Jimin had broken down on stage. He had seen how emotional Jimin had been since their unit performance but how it unravelled like this, nobody expected that. All of them were professionals by now and even if they did get emotional on stage, they all knew how to handle it. But Jimin’s breakdown had shocked all of them. When Jimin hadn’t calmed down even behind the stage, they got worried. And when he had retreated to the closet, the tension had risen rapidly with Namjoon pulling him aside and asking Taehyung to calm down Jimin. It was an obvious choice by the leader, so no one had even flinched, except him and Yoongi. The older had been on verge of offering some words but Taehyung had stopped him.

Taehyung wasn’t blind, nor was he someone to ignore someone else’s pain. It didn’t matter if it would hurt him as well. But if someone he loved was in pain, he’d be there to support them, to hold them. That’s just how he was. He had noticed the change in Jimin’s behaviour for a while now. Jimin’s eyes had changed. The way Jimin looked at him had changed; Taehyung knew that. He could see and read the older’s body language and expressions well enough to know that Jimin was in emotional turmoil himself. But the way his eyes would follow Taehyung with a sort of, longing… yes, that was new. Taehyung wasn’t sure he was seeing it right, but it was true. And honestly, Taehyung wasn’t sure what to do about it even. He didn’t think he could even be bothered with it anymore.

It was still true that Taehyung loved Jimin. He couldn’t deny that he loved the older with every fibre of his being. But still, he couldn’t be bothered anymore, with anything. Everything had started feeling hollow. Things were losing their meaning fast. The joy he felt in his life from the different things he had enjoyed, all of it felt like it was disappearing one after another. He had been parading around pretending to be ok, pretending to be just fine. But inside, nothing felt right.

The whole thing with Jimin had taken a big toll on him. He hadn’t realised then that this is how things might turn out, but they had. When he had broken down in Yoongi’s studio, that had been the end of his tolerance. He couldn’t anymore. He couldn’t be bothered with anything from then on just because nothing felt right, nothing made sense. And he had enough. He had invested a whole lot more than he thought in his relationship with Jimin. He had changed, morphed a part of himself into something he no longer recognised. He relied on optimism, on false hope and maybe it was a bit too much. Maybe he expected life to be a bit similar to stories, that no matter the amount of pain you suffer, in the end, everything becomes alright. He didn’t see that happening in his life.

After then, he had stopped hoping. He had stopped wishing for unrealistic endings. He had stopped feeling things, numbing it all out because the pain was just too much. If he felt things, he’d feel all the ugly emotions piled up in his heart. Anger, frustration, regret, pain and longing. He couldn’t handle it so he decided to switch it off and pretended to be fine. He worked like he was supposed to, smiled at the camera, danced to the steps and sang the songs. He waved at the fans and smiled at them, posted selfies when required to, took part in meetings and said what was expected of him. Even with the members, he decided to act as if nothing had happened. Because if he didn’t act the way he was supposed to, if he lashed out or cried or spoke out what he felt if he let himself even feel that, he’d just be bringing all of them down. And Taehyung was neither brave nor selfish enough to do that.

So, he pretended to be fine. They went on tour and did practices as they were supposed to. He knew he wasn’t fine and Yoongi could see that too. The older was the only person with whom Taehyung could let go for a bit. Someone he could lean on without any terms or conditions. Yoongi was the only one who knew what was happening with Taehyung and though Yoongi always felt he was lacking, for Taehyung, it was more than enough.

Everything had been fine. They were on tour and preparing for Festa. Taehyung wasn’t sure how to feel when he got to know they’d be performing their unit songs. Earlier, such an opportunity would make him ecstatic, but now, it left him numb. But he decided to act professionally and work how he was expected to. But little things have a way of turning life torrid. When Jimin started talking about his break-up with Charlie suddenly when they were talking about their performance, Taehyung’s heartbeat had picked up. This was unchartered territory. Taehyung wasn’t prepared for such a conversation so he couldn’t decide how to even act. And in a blip, he reverted to his persona from the relationship he had with Jimin. It came naturally even, how to say what and how to act. But Taehyung didn’t really want to say those things or act that way anymore. The conflicting emotions hit a peak sending him into a breakdown that neither of them was expecting.

Taehyung wasn’t sure what would have happened if Yoongi hadn’t arrived there and helped him. He wondered if his situation would have gotten worse when he thought about it later. If he would have lashed out at Jimin even more, and gotten physical in his situation. Whatever would have happened, he wouldn’t know, but what was clear was that things weren’t good on his end. He had been pushing on, trying to persevere and sweat it out like he was exercising and had few sets left. But his life wasn’t a gym and his emotions weren’t mere sets of exercises. Things were far more complex. Thing is, he didn’t want to deal with it anymore. He was tired of thinking, of feeling, of trying and failing, and at one point, of living. Things just didn’t made sense anymore and he just couldn’t be bothered with things anymore.

Lying on his bed one day, staring at the ceiling, he spread his hands above his head, holding his wrist and feeling his pulse. The little pulses were the only tangible proof he had that he was living, that he was breathing and alive. Rest everything felt so numb, his body, his heart, everything. And when he tried to think, his mind would just draw up blank, as if repulsing any thought that would make its existence. He didn’t know what was happening, whether this was even real or he was stuck in a dream in his head. Slowly, he reached out to the vape lying beside him, drawing a huge smoke and exhaling it slowly, letting it form different patterns and disappear. He felt fascinated with this, laughing as he drew another one and then another, going on and on for however long till his vial ran out. He laughed looking at the device before letting it slip down on the floor from his fingers, lying still. Slowly his laugh vanished as he stayed still, the repressed pain making its way out through the corner of his eyes, landing in puddles on the white bedsheet beneath him.

He didn’t know how long he stayed like that before someone grabbed his hand and pulled him up harshly.

SLAP

The sound resounded in the room and the impact proved enough to bring Taehyung back to his senses and to reality. Yoongi’s face came in his line of sight, worried sick and furiously glaring.

‘Yah Kim Taehyung!’ Yoongi shouted before slapping him lightly again and grabbing his shirt and shrugging the younger harshly.

‘Hyung?’ Taehyung muttered, still out of it, looking at the older in confusion. He wasn’t even sure what was going on.

‘You fucking bastard! Fucking asshole! I’ve been calling you for hours now, messaging you incessantly and to no fucking reply. I was banging on your door but no fucking answer. None of the staff members saw you. None of the members saw you since our brunch and practice. No one saw you going out or in and the Min-Hyuk hyung, the only one who had a fucking duplicate card for your room is out of the town. No one has heard from you Taehyung and you weren’t fucking picking up anyone’s call. Do you have any fucking idea how worried we were? How worried I was? Everyone thought you were probably passed out, sleeping or just lost in fucking songwriting. Nobody thought much of it because they don’t know. But I fucking know what has been happening. I know you haven’t been an inch okay, of how you pretend. I don’t speak much or push you but I fucking know you are hurting and I was so fucking worried when I couldn’t find you. How could Taehyung?’ Yoongi said, tears streaming down his face as he clutched Taehyung’s shirt.

‘Yoongi hyung…’ Taehyung said, everything slowly sinking in. He held Yoongi’s hand as the older looked down.

‘Taehyung-ah! I was so worried. I kept imagining the worst sorts of things even when I know you and don’t think you would. But I know how hard things get and what all that can lead to. Imagine my surprise when I finally got your card and come in, only to find you lying on bed staring into thin air and the room smelling like smoke. I tried calling out to you but you wouldn't fucking move Tae, you didn’t move an inch. What the fuck Tae, what the fuck? For a moment I thought… What the fuck Tae?’ Yoongi cried out, hitting Taehyung’s chest repeatedly.

‘Hyung!’ Taehyung exclaimed as the older continued hitting him, tears rolling down both their faces. Taehyung grabbed Yoongi’s wrists, making the older look up at him before pulling him down into a hug. Taehyung started crying, not even realising why. He just let himself collapse as they both sat down on the floor, hugging each other and crying. Yoongi was trying to soothe him but he had been scared shitless and hence couldn’t stop his own tears. Taehyung felt sad and guilty, but most of all sorry towards Yoongi, for his actions and for all the pain tearing his heart apart.

That had been one of the turning points for Taehyung. Things had been difficult, but he tried to hold on. Some days were bearable, other days he felt like ripping his heart out of his chest. Some days he could smile, other days, he pretended to. He was hurt but he didn’t let a repeat of that day happen. Yoongi had been even more fiercely protective of him since then, threatening Taehyung that if the younger were to smoke one vial, he would smoke twice that. If Taehyung even thought of anything wayward, he had to come to the older otherwise the older would do twice the amount of harm to himself. Though the threat was veiled in amusement, Taehyung knew Yoongi meant it.

Talking over things, Yoongi slowly tried to get Taehyung to open up. He wouldn’t say it was too much of a success but they were trying. That’s all that mattered at the moment. Taehyung was trying to work on himself, on healing. He had even told Yoongi that he might seek professional help once they were back and had a break. Yoongi was happy and encouraged the younger to do so. And things seemed ok for a while. Till they weren’t starting the night of the last festa.

Coming out of the closet after consoling Jimin, Taehyung pulled on a straight face, telling everyone to not worry too much. Taehyung’s facial expressions were evenly balanced, but Yoongi could see the tremor his hand had. As Taehyung passed by him and out the door, Yoongi followed him to the rooftop of the venue. Taehyung walked till they reached a dark and shielded area, aware that there were cameras and people still around the venue. He looked down at the people bustling around, their fans and media gathering around to see the group’s glimpses as they left. Everyone looked like tiny dots from up there. Both of them stayed still, standing side by side watching everyone else.

‘He apologised.’ Taehyung muttered.

‘For what?’ Yoongi asked, reaching in his jacket's inner pocket to retrieve two cigarettes. He handed one to Taehyung and lit both, taking a deep puff.

‘Nothing. Everything. I don’t have any idea what he really meant or anything. I didn’t have the will to talk or the energy.’ Taehyung said, inhaling deeply.

‘Maybe he realises his mistakes. Maybe he regrets what happened.’ Yoongi said leaning on the railing.

‘Maybe. I don’t know hyung. I know he’s hurt. And with the way, he’s been looking at me and then today, with this… But I don’t know what to do anymore hyung. He felt broken hearted hyung.’ Taehyung said resting his head on his arm.

‘You can’t fix everything Taehyung. It’d be ridiculous if you even tried. Work on yourself first, worry about yourself first and then anyone.’ Yoongi stated, smoking out as Taehyung sighed.

‘I know hyung. It’s just, my heart breaks for him. I can see he’s in pain but, I can’t help him. It hurts me to see him like that.’

‘I know. You still love him. But sometimes that’s not enough. You know that, don't you?’

‘Hmm… What do I do hyung? I don’t think things can work out as they are right now. I don’t even know what I’m doing or what for. And now with him. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on hyung!’ Taehyung said, a few tears escaping his eyes.

‘Quit.’ Yoongi said making Taehyung look up at him with shock.

‘Hyung!? What?’

‘Cut it all out of your life Tae, whatever is making you feel this way. Whether that’s Jimin or work or… even us, the group.’ Yoongi said bluntly, staring Taehyung straight into the eyes.

‘What are you even talking about hyung? What sort of advice is that?’ Taehyung said, stuttering over in disbelief.

‘I’m serious Tae. I’m very serious about it. I don’t know exactly what you are going through as I haven’t experienced what you did. But I know the feeling, the emptiness. We’ve talked about this right. About how you feel so blank and just empty. How nothing makes sense. Then don’t force yourself into trying to make sense. Don’t try to force yourself to do things that don’t bring you joy. Don’t force yourself to fit in this life when it all feels like nothing.’ Yoongi said with deep sincerity reflected in his words and eyes.

‘But hyung! I mean, this is my life. This is what I’ve worked so hard for. And now… BTS is…’

‘Not your life. BTS is not your life Tae. Being an idol, it’s not your life. Sure, it’s part of your life but it’s not your whole life Tae. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you exist for BTS or that just because you worked so hard for this, you have to carry on even when it doesn’t make sense. You don’t have to force yourself to accept this life and the triggers that come with it. You don’t have to compromise with your happiness or self-love just to maintain your idol life when it clearly feels fake right now. I know you love Jimin. I know you care for him. I do too. But it’s not your fucking responsibility to make his life, okay, to take all his pain away and make him happy at the cost of your own fucking happiness. I’m sorry but that’s not love. Being stuck here, like this, you are not doing justice to anyone, especially yourself.’

‘Hyung… I don’t know what to say… BTS, this, you, Jimin, everyone… All of you expect and I…’ Taehyung felt his throat constrict. Words weren’t coming out anymore.

‘Tae, look at me. Breathe.’ Yoongi said turning Taehyung towards him. He threw his cigarette down and took Taehyung’s hand in his. ‘Taehyung-ah… answer me honestly ok. How do you feel when you perform? How do you feel when we shoot stuff or practise? How do you feel when we go out on dinners or order food? How do you feel when Jimin walks in or when you know you have to perform with him? How do you feel when you see the fans around you, screaming your name? How do you feel when you wake up and when you go to sleep? How do you feel right now?’ Yoongi asked enunciating each word properly. Taehyung looked down at their hands, tears rolling down his cheeks, before looking up.

‘I feel… Nothing.’ Taehyung said with a large exhale, his shoulders dropping down. ‘I feel numb, worried, terrified. I feel scared that I’ll let you all down or that I’ll fuck up. I’m worried that I’ll slip up and lash out or act out. I am worried that I’ll start crying or break down even at the smallest or most insignificant things. I get scared that I’ll say something wrong and then everyone will see that I’m fucked up. I feel suffocated by things and just want everything to disappear, for this pain to disappear. I don’t want to not feel okay but then I feel bad for feeling that way. It gets too much and then I just wish that I could disappear. I don’t want to feel this way but I do. I want to be ok hyung, but I know I am not. But I am too scared to say it out loud because then I will ruin everything, all that we have built up. I will ruin everything so maybe it’s better if I wasn’t there. Though I am here so I should be responsible. But it all feels too much and I don’t know what to do anymore hyung. It’s so exhausting and suffocating but I don’t know what else to do hyung. I don’t know how to live other than pretending that everything is alright. Fuck, I don’t know hyung… I don’t know.’

Notes:

That was so fucking tough to write because I have been in a relatively good mood nowadays. Just getting in the mood was tough but I tried my best. Hope it paid off.

I wanted to post for so long but had my exams and life so, it was not happening. but I hope this chapter was worth the wait. As I said, we are close to ending. We'd probably resume where we left the prologue in next chapter and then go from there. I haven't decided concretely on an ending so we'll see how it goes and if I'll write an epilogue or leave it at that. Let me know if you have any suggestions or requests.

Hope you liked it. Please leave a kudo or comment, they help motivate me a lot and make my day.

Will keep trying my best! Lots of love!!!

Chapter 26: Chapter 24

Notes:

I genuinely cried by the end of this chapter. I had to stop. I couldn't write the next few scenes. I couldn't edit it without tears just flowing so if it's not too comprehensive, I'm sorry.
I just... Thank you everyone for the love and support.
It'll be 1 or 2 chapters more, I promise. Then we can get to the end. I'll try to write and post them asap.
Enjoy!

An interesting thing about time and people is that they change. It might not feel significant or even noticeable, but little by little, they change. It could be for better or worse, but they change. One can wish that the change is for the better. But life never pans out as we expect it to. Life has its own pace, its own direction and predicting that, one could never be too certain about that. Taehyung could say he had changed too. His life, everything around him and inside him felt different. Through the due course of years, he had changed as a person, as a friend, member, son and so much more. On some fronts, maybe he was better. On others, he wasn’t faring so well. But after all that he had gone through, he could finally acknowledge that he had changed. For better or worse as a whole, he wouldn’t be able to say.

After talking with Yoongi, the night of Festa, Taehyung had laid in his bed the whole night, tossing and turning. Sleep had evaded him and instead, his head was filled with thoughts. As the night turned to dawn, his mind felt clearer. It was like slowly the fog was lifting up and he was getting clarity over a range of things. One after another, things just seemed to fall into place as he let the pressure ease out and took Yoongi’s words to heart. It was refreshing, to feel like he could breathe again. But back of his mind, he knew whatever he was planning on, it’d be tough to execute. His guilt was flaring up at the back corner but he decided to block it out. He had to make some tough calls and he was finally certain about that.

Later that day, he dropped by Yoongi’s room. The older was disgruntled at having been woken up from his sleep. But looking at Taehyung’s puppy face requesting Yoongi to come out on a drive weakened his resolve to lie back down. An hour later, both of them were on their way out of Seoul, with Taehyung driving and Yoongi sitting in the passenger seat, listening to random songs Taehyung was playing. After they were much away from city noise and landscape, Taehyung turned the volume down and park the car on the sideway.

Rummaging through the bag in the backseat, Taehyung brought out some sandwiches and snacks. Handing it out to Yoongi, he settled in, unwrapping his own.

‘You made me come out with you so far to eat sandwiches?’ Yoongi retorted, taking a bite.

‘I have been doing some thinking.’ Taehyung said.

‘That’s new!’ Yoongi bit back munching on.

‘Hyung!’ Taehyung said, an edge to his voice and Yoongi sighed.

‘What happened? What have you been thinking?’ the older asked in a much softer and sincere voice, looking at the younger.

‘I want to leave.’ Yoongi raised an eyebrow at the younger making Taehyung sigh and huddle in himself. ‘What I mean is, I thought about what you said, about everything that has been going on, with Jimin, me and just, everything. And it makes sense for me to leave Hyung.’

‘I hope that is not coming from a self-deprecating guilty head-space.’ Yoongi said, a sharpness to his voice.

‘No. Hyung, no. No. It’s not like that. I just… I can’t do this anymore. I know this. I realise that, well fuck, I’ve been going through shit Hyung. I’ve been living but if you asked me anything about the past 6 or so months, I’d legit not remember any of it. Everything feels like it is fading away and… I just can’t, take it. I need help.’ Taehyung said, his voice breaking in between as he tried to keep his breathing even.

Yoongi reached his hand out and held Taehyung’s leg, pressing down. He knew it must be tough for Taehyung to open up like this and speak up this way. No matter how hard he had tried, Taehyung hadn’t opened up much before to him, not on his own accords. Usually, it’d be just random outbursts when the younger couldn’t hold it and some after-talks. Yoongi felt sad seeing the younger like this but also proud, that Taehyung was finally opening up.

‘It’s ok. Let it out slowly. There’s no rush. I’m here.’ Yoongi said softly and Taehyung nodded.

‘I’d like to get some help. Professional help. Therapy maybe or something. I’m not very sure about that Hyung but yeah… I do need help.’ Taehyung breathed out, resting his head back on the window and breathing in. His chest was tightening up but he knew he had to keep going.

‘That’s fine Tae. We can get you some help. It’s ok.’

‘I’d also like to leave. Here, this, everything. I just, I don’t think I can do it anymore Hyung.’ Taehyung said, gripping Yoongi’s hand as a few tears slid down his cheeks.

‘You mean the group? Music?’ Yoongi asked, getting worried now. The advice he had given, he knew it was legit but Taehyung actually following up, seeing that was tough for Yoongi too.

‘All of it. For now, all of it. I can’t do any of it anymore. I know we still have a few concerts left and then there will be comebacks but… I can do the concerts still, till we wrap up this era. But after that Hyung, I don’t think I can be a part of it anymore.’ Taehyung said, his face botched with tears but a strange determination set in his eyes.

‘Tae…’ Yoongi felt his heart sinking. He could sense where Taehyung was going but how he wished it wouldn’t pan out like that.

‘I can’t be a part of BTS anymore Hyung… I just can’t. I don’t know how long it’ll take for everything to get better. I don’t know how much time I’ll need to be myself again. And even after that, Jimin… I don’t know if I can still be in the same group as him. It’s too much.’

‘Taehyung-ah! That’s very, nothing is set right. Wouldn’t that be too… I know I said you should get away but, leaving BTS… Is that something you are okay with?’ Yoongi asked.

‘I… I don’t know Hyung. I don’t know. BTS has been my life for so long. Being an idol has been a part of my identity for so long that it feels like it is me. But I know I can’t take it anymore Hyung. I love music, and performing and being up there, deep down I do. But it doesn’t make sense right now. I don’t feel anything when I am up on stage there, singing to our fans. I don’t feel the joy anymore Hyung.’ Taehyung said, closing his eyes. Yoongi could see how it was physically hurting Taehyung to even say all this.

‘But that doesn’t mean you never will, right? And, I mean you could take a break, however long you want. Then come back. I’m sure everyone would get it.’ Yoongi reassured the younger.

‘I know Hyung. I know. But what if I genuinely never wanted to come back to this life again? What if I never find my way back to performing, as we do right now? You guys couldn’t wait forever. The fans… It’d be so cruel Hyung, to leave you all with that uncertainty hanging on your heads. It’d be unfair for everyone to keep waiting indefinitely.’ Taehyung said as tears streamed down his face. The hurt was so evident on his face that it pained Yoongi to see the younger like that.

‘It’d be unfair to put a timer on your healing too.’ Yoongi thought to himself as he looked at Taehyung. The person he had seen grow up right in front of him. Yoongi wanted to cry at the moment because even if he was trying to be a voice of reason at that moment, inside, he knew what Taehyung was saying was true. It’d be great if Taehyung could take a break and heal and then come back so they could be seven again. It’d be great to be BTS like always and perform for fans forever. But the reality was not always so great as that.

‘What about Jimin? You can’t cut him off of your life like that. Everything else too. What happens when you leave? What’d you want to do?’ Yoongi asked, his mind jumbled up too.

‘I’d have to talk to him. I’d have to talk to everyone.’ Taehyung said, sinking further in his seat. He knew he could make decisions but carrying everything out was going to be hell.

‘You should. I know it’s between you two but it’s time we all sat down and talked about you and Jimin as well. After all, it affects us all. No one has said anything till now or pointed anything out per se. But no one is a fool in our team. We need to talk it out with everyone. But that’s after you and Jimin have sorted it out.’ Yoongi said tentatively, knowing it was bound to be tough for Taehyung to do so. Even sitting here, talking to Yoongi must’ve been tough. He didn’t know how Taehyung would be able to face everyone at the same time.

‘I will. Soon.’

‘You’d also need to talk to the management and company about contracts and stuff.’ Yoongi said softly and Taehyung nodded. One thing at a time.

‘I know. I’ll need your help with that Hyung. I'm not so great with the official stuff, you know.’ Taehyung sighed and Yoongi felt his heart break a little. Taehyung sounded so broken that Yoongi couldn’t help but feel that way.

‘I’ll be there Tae, for whatever you need. But I think you should take some time still, to think everything over. If you really decide to leave, that’s your decision and I’d support you. But it’ll be an ugly battle Taehyung-ah. You need to be prepared for that too.’ Yoongi said, imagining the uproar it’d cause in all their worlds. The members or their company was the least of their concerns because he had faith that they’d understand Taehyung, and respect his decisions. But thinking about the media, fans and netizens, it’d be a downright mess. Not just for Taehyung, but for all of them.

As they made their way back to their dorm, both of them were preoccupied with their own thoughts. And when one of their own songs came on the radio channel playing, Yoongi felt himself choking up. It wasn’t often that Yoongi cried, or broke down. In fact, he was usually one of the strong ones, the stoic one in BTS. But at the moment, he felt like his heart was bleeding too. Listening to the odd breathing of Taehyung, he knew the younger was also trying his best to just hold on. But Yoongi couldn’t even bring himself to look at the younger, lest he broke down crying. Not when Taehyung needed him the most. He had to be strong, but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt him to the core.

Reaching home, they both departed ways and headed for their own rooms. Taehyung trudged towards his own room, lost in his own head. Sure, talking everything out with Yoongi had given him some more space to think. But it wasn’t like all his problems and issues would disappear with a click. The possible consequences of the decisions he was about to make were weighing heavily on him. Looking back, he wasn’t sure when things went awry. He wasn’t even sure if he could blame it all just over his and Jimin’s relationship. Things went deeper and further.

If Taehyung were to decode everything, he’d feel lost as to where to start. Yes, he started feeling shitty because of whatever happened with Jimin, but that wasn’t all there was. The exhaustive pressure from professional life weighed heavily on him too. There was physical exhaustion, but then there was mental fatigue too. Pairing that up with an unhealthy sexual relationship with someone he was emotionally attached to didn’t help either. The one place he could take refuge in soon became an escape. But it wasn’t even a true escape either because Taehyung felt himself morphing into someone he didn’t know. Neither did he like that personality.

And before he knew it, he had lost himself in the myriad of persona and facades he had to maintain. He was lost in the sea, scrambling for purchase but sinking further in. After a while, it took a toll on him so much that life felt like passing. He tried to drown himself in work but after a while, it felt meaningless too. And with that, came the loss of self-confidence and just sheer will to continue with life. Taehyung wasn’t sure how was he still floating. If it hadn’t been for Yoongi, maybe he wouldn’t even realise that this was something so very wrong and just how worse off his headspace had become.

He continued on his way and stepped into his room. Though what Taehyung wasn’t ready for was the sight before him. He found Jimin sitting on his bed, legs crossed and lost in thought.

‘Tae!’ Jimin said as the sound of the door broke his line of thoughts.

Taehyung felt his heart beating faster. He didn’t think he was ready for a confrontation yet. But maybe destiny had other plans for him if the solemn look on Jimin was any clue.

‘Jimin.’ Taehyung said curtly as the door closed behind him. He felt jumpy and couldn’t focus on the other person in the room. Instead, he moved to his closet and shrugged off his jacket, busying himself with something.

‘I was waiting for you. I… wanted to talk Taehyung.’ Jimin said softly and Taehyung almost froze, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

‘I… I’m a bit tired today Jimin. If we can perhaps talk another time…’

‘No. Tae, please. I really want to talk with you. Let’s just… give me ten minutes and I’ll be out of here.’ Jimin said standing up and approaching Taehyung.

Taehyung sighed, hanging his head low. Jimin gently touched his shoulder making the younger turn around.

‘Please Jimin-ah! Not today. Please!’ Taehyung said, his voice breaking up.

‘You’ve been crying.’ Jimin stated as if that was the most natural and obvious thing in the room, making Taehyung look up at him. Sure enough, his eyes had become glassy once again.

‘Tete…’ Jimin whispered softly, his hands moving up to gently cradle the younger’s face.

‘Jimin please…’

‘You’re hurting Tae. I can see it. So, can we please drop all pretences and defences for the night? Please. Let me just hold you Tae, please. I can’t see you being like this.’ Jimin said softly making Taehyung look him in eyes. Jimin gently caressed his jaw, feeling his heart tug seeing Taehyung like this; battered and defeated.

‘Why would you even care?’ Taehyung breathed out making Jimin’s breath hitch. Taehyung’s searching gaze was enough to pierce him in the heart.

‘Why wouldn’t I care Tae… You’re… You’re everything to me. Everything.’ Jimin said and Taehyung closed his eyes, tears leaking out the sides. His face contorted in pain as he slid down, making Jimin kneel down too. Jimin could feel his own tears escape as Taehyung’s hand clasped around his own.

Taehyung melted in his touch as tears flooded his face. The soft touch and gaze of the older felt overwhelming. His head was spinning, memories after memories rushing in and playing. The hurt, the anguish, the pain, everything felt like it was trying to break out. He sat there in Jimin’s hold and cried. At the mistakes, at the hurt and pain, at the memories, for the loss of his safe space, and the colours in his life. Taehyung cried for the loss of the love of his life even as the same person held him at that moment.

‘Taehyung-ah! Please… What happened baby? Tae, please look at me. Please tell me what happened. Tae…’ Jimin called out to him softly but Taehyung couldn’t help breaking out in fresh series of sobs.

Jimin quickly encircled his hands around Taehyung’s frame, hugging the younger as tightly as he could. His heart was hurting, seeing Taehyung crying his soul out like this. He wasn’t absolutely sure just why Taehyung was in such agony. Was it all because of how he had hurt Taehyung? Surely it was that but Jimin knew it was so much more than that too. He didn’t know why but he just had a feeling that Taehyung was not well. But at the moment, he couldn’t do anything other than hold the younger. He wanted Taehyung to hug him back, to cry in his arms and pour his heart out. Tell Jimin about what was bothering him as they snuggled together just like they always had. And then Jimin would somehow make it all better.

Jimin really missed the simpler times. Taehyung did too. The time when the silences weren’t so deafening and the hugs were comforting. The time when it was just them against the world, not tugging against each other.

Notes:

I'm sorry. I don't know what to say or tell. This story is just, it's so dear to me and... it's been tough on me to write it like that. The 'fan me' hates the 'author me' and I promise you, I suffer a lot too. But still, this is a story I cherish so much and I'm gonna try to do my best till the end.
I'll come back with the remaining chapter soon.
Hoping you can support me till then...

Lots of love!

Chapter 27: Chapter 25

Notes:

Finally, here we are. I can't believe this is the last chapter already. I can't believe I did it.
It feels surreal still, this chapter, the whole story and all the love and support I have gotten from you all.
Thank you. Genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so fucking much.
I read every comment and smiled at every kudo. It warmed my heart seeing how much you all supported and cared, not just for this story, characters, but for me too. All of it, I'm so grateful for.
As I end this story, I hope I leave you with something that was worth your time. Something you could feel happy you read.
Enjoy it... For one last time...

‘I’m sorry Tae.’

Taehyung opened his eyes as he felt a kiss being pressed on his head. Somehow it was only then he actually became aware of his surroundings. His body twitched a little, realising Jimin was holding him, head tucked in Older's chest as both of them laid on Taehyung’s bed. He became aware of the blanket wrapped around them and Jimin’s hands encircled around his own body, just holding him. It wasn’t the most ideal position for Taehyung but he was exhausted. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Of being hurt, of putting up acts, of ignoring Jimin and just everything else.

The earlier breakdown had him feeling numb. He could see the surroundings but it hadn’t sunk in yet. He could remember him crying and Jimin holding him, comforting him, dragging him to bed and everything else. But nothing had sunk in. The touches, the words, the embrace, nothing felt like he had experienced it. He felt detached from the whole experience as if he had been watching it happen in a third person. Maybe that was how his consciousness was coping, he had no clue.

‘Why are you apologising Jimin-ah?’ Taehyung asked, his voice soft and muffled, vibrating in Jimin’s chest.

‘I know I’ve hurt you, a lot. Treated you like shit!’ Jimin scoffed at himself.

‘It’s not just you at fault here. I haven’t treated you any better either.’

‘No, maybe not. But you have been there for me at my worst, Tae. But… Clearly, I haven’t been there for you. You’ve been suffering, I know that. I could see it. But…’

‘I didn’t want you to be there.’ Taehyung said bluntly, pulling back from the older’s embrace and shifting to side.

‘Is it me? The reason why you’ve been like that? Am I the one because of which you are hurting so bad Taehyung-ah?’ Jimin asked turning to the younger and taking his face in his hands. Taehyung looked at the older, could see the glassiness in Jimin’s eyes.

‘Hmm… You are a part of the reason why, but it’s not just you. I’m fucked up in my head as well.’ Taehyung said, speaking without any filter for once.

‘Tae…’ Jimin bemoaned as Taehyung sat up, turning towards the older. Jimin followed suit, turning towards Taehyung as the younger took hold of his hands in his own.

Taehyung looked at their hands, the contrast in the size. His hands were almost engulfing Jimin’s and it brought back bittersweet memories for him. It was unusual, holding hands. It also wasn’t the first time Taehyung was seeing it but it was hitting him differently. Earlier, it was just that, a size difference. Something adorable and funny. But this time around, it was heart-warming but also heart-breaking. Because earlier he hadn’t mapped out every inch of Jimin’s body, but now he had knowledge of that. Earlier, it never hit him with how small Jimin was compared to him, how his body could engulf the older’s. Earlier, he had never known the curves, the feel, the taste of Jimin. Never seen him exactly in that way. But now he had seen it all, felt it all and much more. So, suddenly, holding hands felt so much more. Suddenly, there were so many more memories that were flashing in his mind. Something that wouldn’t have happened before.

‘Look, Jimin. I’ll… I’ll be very honest okay. When you kissed me the first few times, I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know what to make of the situation. I felt weird. I felt disoriented and just… It felt good. I won’t lie. It all felt so good. But then it’s obvious that we all get sexually frustrated and not to mention, most of those times, we were drunk or just out of our minds. I don’t know. It felt right but, I knew it shouldn’t be feeling right.’ Taehyung said, sighing and looking down at their hands.

‘Then you got back together with Charlie. It hurt me but I vowed to stop whatever the fuck was going on. Clearly, we were deluding ourselves and… Even when you told me about the open relationship and everything, I knew it was wrong. I should have ended everything then and there, right? You were pretty honest back then. But I didn’t because I wanted you too. I wanted you so bad.’ Taehyung slowly looked up, locking eyes with Jimin. The older looked stunned but also sad.

‘I know I was being selfish. I knew I was setting up my own pyre. But I didn’t care. I must’ve lost my mind, right? But yeah, when you made that preposition, I gave in. I shouldn’t have. But I did. I realised it that night only, how fucked I was. How fucked up all this was. Over the course of the next few months, I knew all along how fucked up it all was. It messed with my head and all I could do to cope with my feelings were to suppress them. Not a genius move I admit but, I didn’t know what else to do. Every morning I’d wake up to an empty bed and it’d haunt me. But I still gave in to the desires every time. Maybe I thought I was doing it for you because you needed me there. But I was being selfish too.’

‘Even when I tried to walk away, to end it all, all I ended up doing was ignore you and behave like shit. Fucking crazy really. But I wanted you back too. Fuck my emotions or feelings or whatever, fuck the self-perseverance and everything. I knew our friendship was hanging by threads by then. I knew things were turning toxic. I knew it. I could see it. The more intimate we got in bed, the farther we drew apart outside it. It was wrecking me but I still didn’t let it sink back then. I wanted you and maybe I was blinded by lust or insanity or fuck… Every time you’d fight with Charlie on phone, I wished you’d break up Jimin. A part of it was for you but more than anything, I wanted you, all for myself. I wanted to consume you.’

Tears fell down Jimin’s face as each and every word sunk in. Taehyung himself didn’t notice but his face was wet too. He took a deep breath, trying to collect himself a little. It had been too long since he had borne his soul for his best friend and it wasn’t as easy as it used to be.

‘The day we came back to the dorm and I saw Charlie, and you… It broke that illusion, that we could be anything like that. That night I swore to quit it… to quit you. The next day though, seeing that track list and then, it’s like everything came crashing down. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t even breathe. It’s like, my whole life imploded. I didn’t know what to do anymore. Yoongi hyung found me and, I told him everything. About us, everything that happened, all that I felt, all of it. Since then, I’ve been trying to stay away from you, trying to pretend to be ok, trying to do our jobs and just… But it’s like, a vacuum now Jimin-ah. Yes, our relationship scarred me. My actions made it worse and the pressure of everything else just exacerbated it even more. So now, I don’t know anymore.’ Taehyung stopped with a sigh, feeling a weight lift off of his chest. He kept looking at their entwined hands as tears fell down his face, afraid to face Jimin or even himself at the moment.

Suddenly, he felt Jimin shifting forward and pulling him in for a hug. Before Taehyung could realise it, he was clinging to the older and crying again. But this time he felt the older’s tears wetting the back of his shirt as well. He didn’t know how long they stayed like this, holding onto each other and crying their pain away. He didn’t know when they laid down out of exhaustion, still clinging to each other like a lifeline.

‘I’m sorry Tae… For making you feel like that. For putting us in such a situation.’ Jimin murmured in Taehyung’s chest as the younger’s hand drew circles on his back.

‘Jimin…’

‘No, I know. I get it that it’s not completely my fault but it’s neither yours. We both made some decisions and fucked up. I’m just… sorry for not realising how things would pan out. I know you and looking back at it, I should’ve known that sex for you is not just about pleasure. You care, a lot more… but then, I guess I had lost my mind too. Using you as an escape from my problems and in that way… I’m sorry for treating you that way. I never meant to, but…’ Jimin said snuggling closer to the younger and tightening the hold, afraid that Taehyung would just vanish.

‘I know. I’m sorry too. For, treating you like that. Ignoring you, shutting you out… Not being honest with you about my feelings. And, for all the times I treated you rough… It’s… I don’t know what to say.’ Taehyung said softly.

‘Don’t be. It’s… Maybe that’s what I needed back then. Or not. I don’t know. Being ignored wasn’t a good feeling but, for all the time you were there, holding me, I felt safe. And happy. You gave me everything I wanted from a partner, everything I felt I needed… I just was so wrapped in my own miseries that I didn’t realise that that was all I ever wanted. That you were all that mattered.’ Jimin said, his voice catching in his throat.

‘What changed Jimin-ah?’

‘Everything. Nothing. I don’t know Tae. I just took you for granted. I always expected you to be there when I fell because you’ve always been there. But then, you weren’t there. At a point of time, it felt like, you just disappeared from my life, and it hit me hard. It felt like someone had snatched the bases of reality from me. And… it just, I realised how you’ve been a constant in my life, and just how much you meant to me. I felt empty without you… lost.’ Jimin stuttered with his words, hiding his face in Taehyung’s chest.

‘Once I sat down to analyse, I went back to our song, and… I had my answer Tae. I… You, us, this, it’s everything for me. I don’t want to lose you again Tae. I can’t.’ Jimin said sniffling. Hearing that, Taehyung felt needles piercing his heart. Clearly, Jimin had been in as much pain as him and that made him feel unsettled.

The familiar tinges of self-deprecation poked him. The guilt of not being there for his friend washed over him. Looking down at Jimin’s head, he sighed internally, trying to control the wayward thoughts cropping up. Blaming himself for Jimin’s pain wouldn’t do any good to him except maybe lead him to discredit his own pain and suffering. Closing his eyes shut, he tried to calm his heartbeat down.

Jimin looked up at the sudden deafening silence, seeing Taehyung face contorted. Biting his lips, he gently pushed Taehyung’s bangs away from his forehead, massaging the temple.

‘Tae?’

‘It was tough for me to see you.’ Taehyung said making Jimin’s breath hitch and body stiffen.

‘Taehyung… I’m…’

‘I was angry, frustrated and heartbroken Jimin. I hated you. I hated Charlie. I hated everything back then. I hated that you were in a relationship. I hated that you always left me alone. It was like… I felt used by you. I tried to use you too and not give a fuck, let myself unravel. But it’d always end up with me hating myself up to a point where I couldn’t even recognise myself. I hated that we were growing apart. I hated that I was closer to you as friends but even when we were joined by our bodies, you were so far away.’ Taehyung breathed out.

‘Tae, I don’t know what to…’ Taehyung cut him off by pulling him to him, connecting their foreheads and staring dead into Jimin’s eyes.

‘I don’t need an explanation Jimin. I know. I know what you were going through. I know you relied on me to not feel that way. I know. I know Jimin. But I hated it still. At first, it was okay because I knew you needed me. But then, it began eating me up inside. I didn’t know why you were with Charlie. I didn’t understand why I was not the one for you. I hated that I wasn’t. I hated that at that time, all I could do to comfort you was fuck you and that’s it. I hated how I couldn’t tell you how much you really meant, how much I love you. I hated that I didn’t have any rights over you. How I had your body but never your heart. I wondered if I was really that easily ‘discardable’... or not worthy enough. I hate how you made me feel all that. But you know what I hated the most…’ Jimin shook his head gently, his heartbeat picking up.

‘I hated how I couldn’t resist you. I hated how weak I am for you. How even when you made me feel like that, I could never hate you.’ Jimin’s tears fell over Taehyung’s face as the older closed his eyes. Taehyung gently cupped his jaw in his hands making Jimin open his eyes slightly, confused and sadness reflecting from the irises.

‘I hated how I loved you even when I knew you didn’t love me back. I hated falling for that hope every time. And when ‘friends’ happened, it felt like, I didn’t even matter. Like you had drawn this line between us and I hated that I couldn’t fucking do anything. Despite loving you so much, I could never be more than just friends, and even that was debatable. Then who was I Jimin? Who was I without you? Who am I now?’ Taehyung breathed out, firming his grip on Jimin.

‘Taehyung you… You don’t deserve to feel this way.’ Jimin bemoaned, hugging the younger and hiding his face in the crook of Taehyung’s neck, tears leaking.

‘No. No, I don’t. Neither does anyone.’ Taehyung muttered hugging the shaking man in his arms tightly.

~~~~~~~~~~

The next few weeks fared better for the 95 liners and the group as a whole as they completed some shooting schedules and went on their Asian part of the Tour. There was a different synergy to their performances as everyone was refreshed after their break. Yoongi had enquired with Taehyung about the discussions they had and about Jimin after walking in on them sleeping huddled together the next morning of the duo’s conversation. Yoongi was genuinely happy listening about the content of their conversation, hoping things would turn out better for the two.

He had been worried sick for Taehyung for months, seeing him walking around like he was dead inside. He was constantly on his feet and after the panic attack, Yoongi had walked in on him during preparations. Yoongi wouldn’t deny he had felt bitter towards Jimin. It was not that Yoongi was irrational or naive enough to blame everything on Jimin. He knew better than that. He knew that both of the younger ones had fucked up at their ends. He could also sense that both of them were suffering. Because Jimin without Taehyung or vice versa still didn’t make sense deep down in his heart. But he had more intimately seen Taehyung’s pain and it did make him biased. At times he’d think primarily just about Taehyung’s wellbeing and ignore everything else. It just came like an instinct and he’d not apologise for it. But even he wanted things to turn out well for both his dongsaengs.

So looking at them interacting again, even if it wasn’t like what it used to be, was still relieving. His bitterness towards Jimin toned down too as well as he thought about how hurt Jimin might’ve been seeing Yoongi always with Taehyung, when it used to be him in place of the second oldest. Yoongi still maintained his viewpoint that everything could’ve been dealt with way better. But, at the end of the day, all of them were still young and foolish.

Though even as he performed with others, he still felt Taehyung shining out more. At many moments, Taehyung would even outshine Hoseok in dance and stage presence. And if he felt that way, Yoongi was sure the fans could feel it way more. They were at the front row when it came to their performances. And while Yoongi was happy to see Taehyung excelling, the foreboding feeling persisted. He’s putting the performance on as if it’s his last. Maybe. It very well could be. It might very well be.
Taehyung had not mentioned anything about 'leaving' to Yoongi during the last leg of the tour. And somewhere Yoongi was hoping it didn’t happen. But realistically, he knew that Taehyung needed to have some time off. If not leaving then maybe a long indefinite break. But he didn’t know if that was something which was even possible. There weren’t many instances where idols took time off exclusively for their mental health. And if any company allowed it, it was often for a short period of time. So, he didn’t know how that would pan out even if Taehyung opted for that. Yes, their company treated them better. But the overall odds were not stacked in their favour. And this was in case Taehyung re-considered his decision at all. In case he didn’t, well that Yoongi himself didn’t want to think about.

A thing very peculiar about all the members was that they all were very big on the team itself. It was seven or nothing. And that mindset had been echoed since before their debut. Their company valued team spirit and brotherhood. Even when they didn’t work well together, fought and had disagreements, they were told to solve them by sitting down together. It had become a ritual with how much it had been routinised. Sure, every individual member was important but their team was and must always be kept above everything. Yoongi felt that this was something they all had internalised over the years. Which, wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it had worked out for them throughout their rookie years. But how relevant was it still when they had all grown up considerably and established themselves around the world?

Not to mention, Taehyung was the one who had been the strongest advocate of this. The team meant more to him than anything else. Not many knew this side of Taehyung, where he put all his grit and emotions in. When the members' struggles were talked about, everyone had this one thing where they excelled and then improved on others. Namjoon had his song writing and freestyle rap. Seokjin had the acting degree and visuals. Hoseok and Jimin were the dancers. Jungkook was the vocalist and Yoongi himself was credited for his rapping and producing skills. Taehyung on the other hand, wasn’t the worst at anything. But he wasn’t the best at anything either. Yoongi felt that the younger never showed his vulnerabilities out in open, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have them.

It was much much later that people started appreciating the uniqueness of Taehyung. It had taken even the members a while to. Going from there to being dubbed as ‘the member who is born to be an idol’ or at times ‘idol of idols’, it was sure tough to uphold that. So, maybe it might completely boggle people that Taehyung wanted to leave, after all this. But according to Yoongi, maybe it wasn’t so unusual. That thought unsettled Yoongi more than he’d like to admit. Even more unsettling was seeing the group chat as they all landed back home. Taehyung wanted to have a group meeting as soon as possible. According to Namjoon, Yoongi had two days to agonise and prepare himself for whatever was to come.

And agonise, he did.

Usually, Yoongi was the member who would either drop dead for a day or disappear in his studio after they came back. But instead, he was met with normalcy. Looking at his members, at Taehyung and Jimin, nothing seemed out of odds. Everyone was exhausted, yes, but they still joked and laughed around. Seokjin and Jungkook were bantering. Namjoon being immersed in the new song he was writing. The 95 line was playing around with Hoseok. Everything seemed normal; too normal in fact. It was only when Yoongi met Taehyung’s eyes across the room as they dug in the dinner at the dorm, did Yoongi realise that this was just the calm before the storm.

Three days after they had come back, the group meeting was scheduled. Yoongi sat on the chair as every scene unfolded in front of his eyes. The jokes, Taehyung looking at him with all the nerves in the world, the uttered words, the chaos and the aftermath.

~~~~~~~~~~

‘Hyung! Can I talk to you for a moment?’ Namjoon’s voice shook Yoongi out of his train of thought as he stood and watched Taehyung sleep in his bed.

The younger had been crying and had exhausted himself enough to drop. Yoongi had tucked him in, knowing that what went down that afternoon had hit the younger hardest. Everyone was shocked and angry, Yoongi was too, though for different reasons. But it was Taehyung who was in the middle of all of that. And knowing what the younger had been going through for months now, Yoongi understood. He himself was angry that things turned out this way. In his mind, he wanted to blame others, even Taehyung to an extent, for letting things go awry. He didn’t want to accept the weight Taehyung’s words had, the boy inside him didn’t want to. But it had been indeed him who had said that to Taehyung and told him to leave. It wasn’t Yoongi’s intention to make Taehyung quit, and neither did he have this foresight back then. And now, even his world felt like it was falling apart.

Looking at Namjoon standing at the door with an impassive face, Yoongi could see how difficult it was for the leader to come to terms with Taehyung’s words. Even more so to actually approach Yoongi who had taken Taehyung and stormed out, yelling even at the oldest of the group. But, Namjoon was still the leader of BTS and so, he had to shoulder this responsibility too.

Yoongi glanced at Taehyung once before following Namjoon out of the room. Stopping in the living room, Namjoon motioned Yoongi to take a seat. Jimin and Hoseok were missing and Yoongi took immediate note of that. He did feel bad for Jimin but had little time to ruminate before Jin spoke up.

‘What the hell happened? What do you know Yoongi-ah?’ Jin asked in a stern voice. Yoongi just tried to take a deep breath and remain calm. He felt everyone was barking at the wrong tree right now.

‘Taehyung wants to quit, as he said.’

‘Yes. We were all there for that Yoongi. But why? What the fuck is going on?’

‘Well, you all would know if you gave Taehyung some time, hyung.’ Yoongi retorted back, not in the mood for an interrogation.

‘Stop fucking with me! What do you know Min Yoongi? Why the fuck did that just happen?’ Jin asked, his temper getting the best out of him at the moment. Jungkook tried to calm him down as Namjoon turned to Yoongi.

‘Hyung, please. If you know something about it, please tell us. Taehyung is clearly in no situation to be asked this right now.’ Namjoon said in a serious tone and Yoongi sighed.

‘Okay. All I can tell you is, that Taehyung is not in the best headspace right now. That poor kid has gone through some shit and, it’s… it’s hurt him hyung. It’s not my place to say what all but, if that’s what he wants, then I support him. That’s all I have to say right now.’ Yoongi said sinking back in his seat.

‘Yoongi, who the fuck in this group is in the right headspace right now? We all have issues; we all have problems. But we all persist. Why?’ Jin asked making Yoongi sigh. He was not in any mood to argue today because as much as it was affecting others, it was hurting him as well. He was feeling exhausted as well.

‘Why do we?’ he asked back and the three pairs of eyes turned to him.

‘Hyung!’ Jungkook exclaimed in shock.

‘What the fuck are you talking about Yoongi?’ Jin asked as Yoongi sat up straight.

‘Exactly what you heard. You said that none of us is in the right headspace, right? We all are exhausted, frustrated, and dealing with personal and professional issues ranging from small to big. And then, we keep working and being BTS. Why? Because of the team. Because we want to prove something. What else do we have left to prove hyung? What do we have left Namjoon? Kook?’ Yoongi asked back, making everyone shocked.

‘Yoongi hyung… We talked about this back then.’

‘Yes, we did. But it was back then. We still had a lot to prove. We were at a point where we had to decide if we wanted to renew our contracts and whatnot. Yes, I remember everything. And we all decided to move forward. But it’s not 2018 anymore, I am not who I was back then, and neither are you or anyone else. BTS has grown exponentially since then. We have made it to Billboard, award shows and so much more. BTS is known internationally. We have held fucking packed stadium tours, sold an obscene amount of stuff and whatnot. We have proved ourselves time and over again. We have made it.’ Yoongi stated.

‘So then? Does that mean we stop? Does that mean we disband here?’ Jin asked, frustration clearly showing on his face. He could understand Yoongi but for now, things were not adding up to him.

‘Lord, geez hyung! Did I say that we disband? Did I?’ Yoongi shot back.

‘Taehyung hyung wants to quit.’

‘So what, does that mean we disband? Did he tell us to disband? What even…’ Yoongi sighed, gripping his nape and looking down for a moment.

‘Did that not imply it though?’

‘Hyung! Ok, can we be rational here for a moment? Keep our cool and think. Namjoon… please, can we?’ Namjoon nodded as Yoongi continued. ‘Taehyung said he wants to quit. Right, ok. First of all, I really think we should have another meeting, where we let him explain his reasons. Then, we discuss it. Even I don’t want him to quit or our team to break. I get it, how you are feeling. But let’s talk it out with everyone here, listen to his problems. And then decide on what to do. Do we find a middle way out? Something which suits Tae and us? Would the company agree to that or not? How would that work out? And if it comes that Tae does decide to leave, what’s the worst that could happen? What is the worst thing that could happen to us?’ Yoongi shot out.

‘We disband.’ Jungkook said with panic.

‘We may or may not. Regardless of whether Tae leaves or not or whatever. But the true worst that could happen is, 20 or 30 years down the line, we all are not together anymore. That we all hate each other or hate what we did. That all of this, it lost its meaning for us.’ Yoongi’s words left others speechless.

‘I think what Yoongi hyung is saying makes sense. Disbandment, it’s just that. But, losing you all, my brothers, my family, that’s something I never want to happen hyung. We have come so far and it's natural we all feel fatigued. Maybe we need to realise that, while we need to work hard, we don’t have to make it our whole life. Yes, the group is important but all of us make the group. If anyone is not here, we lose the meaning. So, we need to make sure that all of us are here, together but also healthy and happy.’

‘Joon…’ Seokjin sighed, nodding his head along.

‘How is Tae hyung by the way? He looked pretty bad when you dragged him away…’ Jungkook said getting Yoongi’s attention.

‘He’s sleeping. He was crying till he dropped due to exhaustion.’ Yoongi muttered, pinching between his eyes. Listening to that, everyone went rigid.

‘Make sure he eats something Yoon.’ Seokjin said and Yoongi nodded. ‘I might have looked inconsiderate but I do worry for him. He has become so skinny as it is.’

‘So, you have noticed!’ Yoongi shot back making Jin scoff.

‘What do you take me for Min Yoongi? Obviously, I have noticed. Even you have lost weight. Look how skinny you have become. You’ll become a skeleton at this rate. Hobi as well. And Namjoon and Jimin, the dark circles these kids have can rival that of a zombie I swear.’ Jin went on, cracking everyone up as the air became lighter in the room.

‘Namjoon, can you ask if Taehyung can get a break? How long can he get one… Fuck, ask them if we can all get a break. I feel all of us can use one. I don’t think I can take any more tours right now.’ Yoongi said and Namjoon nodded.

‘You should say that about Jin hyung. He has gotten old, don’t you think!’ Jungkook said with a smile earning him a smack. And that seemed to be the end of the discussion for the night.

~~~~~~~~~

The next days passed in a flurry for all the members. Yoongi had dropped Taehyung off at his apartment the next morning after the chaos. He asked Taehyung to take some rest and have some alone time so that the younger can take some time and think. Everyone felt it was a good idea because none of them knew how to behave around Taehyung or approach the topic. They had never encountered such a situation before so everyone was confused.

While Namjoon and Jin were having talks with their managers and the management, Hoseok seemed to be staying with Jimin. The younger had shut off from everyone and everything after that day. Jungkook and Hoseok tried to lift his mood but they were getting worried about him. It was unusual that Jimin wasn’t the first one reaching out to Taehyung or even visiting him. Only Hoseok and Yoongi knew what was going on. Though others were puzzled, there were much more pressing matters at hand. And all of that got answered when they held a meeting again as seven.

To say it was the longest and most significant meeting of their career would not be very wrong. Taehyung’s words and the conversation all of them had with each other over the next few days really paved the way for everyone to open up. Any other occasion felt pale in comparison as all of them came forward to talk about their own worries. All of them lowered their inhibitions to none and talked, really talked. Right from Namjoon to Jungkook, everyone talked about how they felt about BTS, their career, the music, the fans, what all had happened, what they kept from each other, the moments they wished to forget and the ones they wished to cherish forever.

It was like Taehyung’s statement had pushed everyone to search within themselves. To open up with all of their vulnerabilities. There was still so much they all had to unpack, many details and memories buried still. But everyone took the opportunity to come forward and speak their hearts out.

A flurry of emotions and feelings flooded the room. Each and every one of them shed tears, whether it was for themselves or others. Jungkook talked about how overwhelming the whole thing had been and how he still didn’t know what he was beside BTS. He feared he wouldn’t survive alone and doubted his own skills. Hoseok and Yoongi felt tired. While Hoseok was mentally exhausted and tipping towards a dark place, Yoongi’s problems were more related to his health and well-being. Jin felt drained too, admitting that he didn’t feel all too great either. Looking at how others were struggling was hard on him as he felt inadequate as the oldest. He wanted to take care of everyone but at times it was even tough to take care of himself. Namjoon was hit twice it felt. As a member, as an artist, things were exhausting him. The fast pace of everyone made him feel as if he was being left behind. And as a leader, it was tough to see what BTS represented anymore. Sure, they all made up BTS, and the fans and everyone. But what did they represent anymore?

When the mantle came to Jimin, he looked at Taehyung as he spoke about how hard the previous years had been. Personally, and professionally. Coming to terms with his identity, his own person and then getting through all the relationships. The whole thing between Taehyung and Jimin came up as well. And while everyone was surprised to some extent, the reaction wasn’t what any of them expected it to be. Taehyung and Jimin, both had fears of disappointing everyone on their ends. But everyone took it rather well. It wasn’t much issue on them being together, but how rather terribly the both of them had handled ‘being together'. On individual terms, Taehyung spoke about how he felt exhausted as well. Sure, the whole thing with Jimin had affected him. But over time, he had lost the joy he felt for other things. The exhilaration, the joy he felt being on stage, writing or practising, meeting their fans… everything had been dulled. He opened up about how he felt like even existing was a burden, much less living. And this statement did shock others.

When stories were being passed around, Namjoon suddenly grew sombre and everyone looked at him. He finally spoke and when he did, this really shocked everyone.

‘You’re not the only ones falling or fucking your members Tae and Jimin.’

The only people not shocked were Jin and Jungkook. The rest four looked at the three alternatively, trying to process but also figure out what exactly the leader meant. Jin came to the rescue as he explained how he and Namjoon had a one-night stand many years back. How it had taken them a few months to get back to normal and put it past them.

‘You knew that kook?’ Hoseok asked and Jungkook nodded.

‘I asked Namjoon hyung out when I turned 18. He refused me outright. I wouldn’t stop bugging him though and he told me about that and how he didn’t think it was a wise idea to date a member. Always says that.’ Jungkook grumbled, his voice a bit wobbly. Again, no one had much of a reaction because Jungkook’s affection for Namjoon had always been apparent. The youngest never bothered to hide it ever.

‘It's not always so easy Kookie.’ Taehyung muttered and slowly all eyes turned to him.

‘What are you gonna do Tae?’ Hoseok asked, concern evident in his eyes.

‘Are you really going to quit hyung?’ Jungkook asked as well.

‘I am thinking about it. I think I should.’ Taehyung said in a sombre tone and everyone felt the pain in it.

‘Can you not Taehyung-ah? I mean, I get it but… Won’t a break help? Is it that bad Tae?’ Hoseok asked and Taehyung smiled gently at his hyung.

‘I don’t know hyung. It’d be nice if I had answers to that.’

‘Tae, you should think about it carefully. It’s not… simple, you know.’ Jin said with a serious look and Taehyung nodded.

‘I am. I am in talks with people from the company and everything. I am trying to find the best way out too. For everyone.’ Taehyung said. While everyone nodded, Jimin got up and left the room as everyone followed his movements. That seemed to turn towards the end of the discussion about it.

The next few weeks passed as everyone came to terms with all that had been happening. For the moment, they all had decided to take a break as a group. It wasn’t a hiatus or disbandment. Just that, they might not be very active as a group for some time. Nothing was set yet and official things were yet to be done but Taehyung, he decided to leave. Everyone parted ways after bidding farewell to Taehyung at the company building. Everyone was there; except Jimin.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Taehyung was packing up his suitcase while being on a call with his friend and hyung from wooga squad, Choi Woo Shik. He had decided to leave for Canada the next day and had called up his hyung to ask about a few things. He was in the middle of a friendly banter when his doorbell rang. Taehyung frowned. Not many knew his apartment even existed, apart from the members and a handful of their staff. He had rarely used the space before but shifted much of his stuff here for time being a few days back. He was not sure when he’d return and leaving his stuff in their dorm was not an option really.

‘Hyung, I’ll call you back later.’ He said as he moved to open the door. Before he could say anything, the person before him barged into the house.

‘Jimin…’ he started but was hit by a cushion thrown to his face.

‘You fucking asshole!’ Jimin yelled as he threw another cushion at Taehyung, who dodged it this time.

‘Jimin, what the fuck…’ Taehyung said moving forward as Jimin picked another cushion off the couch. Grabbing hold of the cushion, Taehyung stood in front of him as Jimin tried to snatch it away. ‘...are you doing?’

‘Leave this Tae.’ Jimin said as they struggled with the cushion. Taehyung moved forward trapping Jimin between him and the couch as he yanked the cushion and threw it away.

‘Jimin.’ Taehyung said holding Jimin by the elbow, trying to keep him still as the older struggled to get away.

‘You are such an asshole, Kim Taehyung. Who do you think you are?’ Jimin said as he struggled against Taehyung. ‘Who the fuck are you to hurt me like this? Who do you think you are to leave me like this? Who..’

Taehyung pulled the older in for a hug, tightly holding Jimin in his arms as the older’s struggle turned tamer. Jimin broke into a sob.

‘Who do you think you are to love me so much? To treat me like that and now toss me aside. To leave me forever…’ Jimin cried out as Taehyung held him still.

‘I’m sorry. Hmm… I’m sorry.’ Taehyung said as Jimin started crying. Taehyung held him tighter, smoothing over his hair and trying to calm the older down.

‘Why’d you leave me Tae? Why are you leaving?’ Jimin sobbed and Taehyung felt every word stab at his heart. Seeing Jimin in pain and crying was never a good sight.

‘We talked about it, didn’t we? Why can’t you stay? Why can’t we talk it out? Why can’t we go back to how it used to be, huh Tae? Why do you have to fucking leave? Why do you have to leave me Tae?’ Jimin cried out and Taehyung could do nothing but hold him tight. His own tears were falling down but he knew he couldn’t fall apart now. Not when he needed to stay strong for the other.

‘It’s not forever Chim. It’s not like I’m dying or we’ll never see each other again.’ Taehyung said but got a punch in his stomach.

‘Shut the fuck up Kim Taehyung. Don’t you go talk about dying...’ Jimin seethed and Taehyung just hugged him back.

‘Jimin-ah…’ Taehyung said softly as he felt Jimin’s body slacken.

‘I can’t take this Tae. I can’t. I can’t live without you. Please Tae…’ Jimin murmured against his chest and Taehyung softly carded his fingers through Jimin’s hair.

‘You know why I have to leave, don’t you Jimin-ah? I can’t stay here. I can’t take this all anymore.’ Taehyung lamented; sadness evident in his voice. Suddenly, he felt Jimin still.

‘Is it because of me? Are you leaving because of me?’ Jimin asked looking him up in the eyes. His eyes were glassy and his lip wobbly.

‘To an extent, yes. But it’s not all you.’

‘So, it is me… That’s why you are leaving. Going away.’ Jimin said as he broke off the embrace and stepped back. Taehyung tried to reach out but he kept stepping back.

‘I’m the reason why you are leaving. Wow, I must be so stupid Tae. To hope it wasn’t me. It’s me you are running away from.’

‘Jimin.’ Taehyung said taking a step forward only for Jimin to take two backwards.

‘Here I was thinking, hoping, wishing that you loved me. I could feel you did when we talked and I wished you did still. I still hoped, even after all we went through… Like a fool, I hoped. That you could still love me back…’ Jimin said in disbelief, tears falling down his face. Taehyung stood rooted stunned to the spot, till Jimin uttered the next few words and tried to turn away.

‘I was such a fool to hope you might love me back after I realised how much I loved you.’

The moment Jimin said the words and turned away, ready to leave, Taehyung sprang forward and grabbed his wrist. Pulling him back, he pinned the older to the wall and kissed him squarely. Jimin stilled, the actions of his best friend not sinking in yet. Once they did, he tried to feebly push him away but Taehyung grabbed his wrists and pinned them above his head. Looking at each other, both of them had a fire in their eyes. Their skin was burning and their breathing ragged.

‘Have you really not realised it yet Jimin-ah?’ Taehyung asked, frustrated.

‘What the fuck are you going on about?’

‘The fact that I love you Jimin!’ Taehyung confessed and Jimin felt like someone had knocked his breath out of his lungs. ‘I’ve always loved you Jimin-ah!’

‘What!?’ Jimin said, still not sure he heard the words right. Taehyung joined their foreheads, breathing the same air.

‘I love you, Park Jimin!’ He said as he connected their lips again, feeling Jimin open up this time. ‘And that’s why I need to leave' rang through Taehyung’s head as Jimin kissed him back.

They both kissed each other as if they were starved for it. It had been so long since they last shared one and it felt like that for both of them too. Taehyung let go of Jimin’s hand as he grabbed hold of Jimin’s waist, encircling his hands around them. While Jimin let his hands circle around Taehyung’s neck, pulling him in closer.
It was addicting, the taste of each other, the closeness, the intimacy. Everything felt intoxicating and intense. It was hitting both of them harder now, after having been apart for so long; being touch starved for so long. Taehyung pressed Jimin further, moving closer to him and engulfing his figure in his own. Jimin moaned as Taehyung bit hit lips. The younger’s lips trailed down his neck and a thigh pressed against him. Jimin threw his head back, trapped between Taehyung and the wall, lost in the euphoria. Being like this, this was when Jimin felt complete. In Taehyung’s embrace, he felt like he was finally where he belonged, where he was meant to be.

Jimin bit down on his lips as Taehyung nipped at his skin. The younger lapped at the sensitive place, soothing down the redness before sucking it in and grazing it again. Jimin felt light-headed in face of such assault on his neck. He was thankful that Taehyung had his pressed so tight, otherwise, his legs would have given out by now. Feeling a fresh nip, he grabbed hold of Taehyung’s shoulder tightly. But suddenly, he felt Taehyung still his movements, breathing into his neck before withdrawing back.

Taehyung looked at Jimin as he pulled back. Jimin’s grip on his shoulders suddenly jolted him. It had brought him back to reality and that was him trapping Jimin against the wall. Jimin looked up at him and Taehyung felt torn. Jimin looked wrecked. His face was flushed, lips swollen and his neck marked up with tousled hair. His eyes held a spark that Taehyung had seen having faded. There were questions but also happiness in Jimin’s eyes. Though Taehyung wasn’t sure his eyes were reflecting the same emotions.

He breathed in and out slowly, trying to calm himself. Looking at Jimin, he gently caressed the older’s cheeks. This was the temptation he had been trying to avoid. Trying to run away from. Jimin was his undoing. He knew he shouldn’t fuck with Jimin. He knew the older was hurt. Taehyung knew this could be nothing at the moment other than just one night. He knew he had to leave. He knew it was going to hurt. Technically, Taehyung knew every rational thing, all the consequences. Looking at Jimin, he wondered whether he should just send Jimin away. Drag him out the door and shut it off. Or ask him to leave right at the moment. He wondered how that’d play out.

But deep down, he knew he couldn’t do that. He knew he’d drag Jimin to his bedroom and make love to him the whole night. Kiss every part of him till Jimin turned red. Tease him till Jimin screamed out of frustration. And fuck him till he forgot his own name. And that is precisely what happened that night. At that moment before everything imploded, Taehyung knew that this was why he needed to get away. He loved Jimin, but that was why he had to leave. Because he wanted to love Jimin right. And at that moment, he was not in the state to do justice to his own love, to himself and much less to Jimin.

~~~~~~~~

The sunlight streamed through the window, filling the whole room with light. The creased patterns of the curtain made shadows on the floor and bed. A pair of clothes lay scattered on the floor along with the sheet and a few trinkets were knocked down from the table last night. The light grew stronger by the minute as a mop of brown hair peeked from under the blanket. Slowly, the figure in bed moved, pulling the covers down and being hit by the rays of the sun. The light shimmered across the face as the person basked in it. With a gentle small movement, Jimin turned over to the other side, hands stretched out to feel… nothing.

That snapped his eyes open as he looked and saw the bed empty beside him. He felt again in vain before jerking up to sit. Looking around, he looked around the room. No movements. No signs of anyone else. His heartbeat was picking up as he threw the blanket away and got up. With hurried movements, he slipped down the bed and made his way around the apartment. His eyes scanned through the space, searching for a specific person. Not finding any signs of him anywhere, he made his way back to the bedroom to search for his phone. Locating it on the table, he reached forward to grab it when his eyes fell on a small rectangular box kept just beside his phone.

Frowning at that, he picked it up. It was a fairly light weighing box. He shook it before opening it. Inside, he found a small slip and a purple velvet pouch. Turning the paper, he felt his heart drop reading the words written on them.

I had to Jimin.
Stay safe and… wait for me.

With shaking hands and teary eyes, he opened up the pouch. Inside was a small handcrafted silver bracelet. It looked just perfectly his size. Clutching at it, Jimin felt his legs give out. Falling to the floor, tears started falling down his face. He kept holding the bracelet, feeling his heart being broken into thousand pieces. Things felt unreal. Last night felt unreal. The confession felt unreal. Jimin wondered if any of that had ever happened or not. In a single moment, Jimin felt he had lost everything he held dear to his heart.

Looking back at the shiny bracelet, he couldn’t help but let his heart pour out. As he swiped his fingers around it, he felt slight abrasiveness on the inside of the bracelet. Turning it and looking inside, there were scribbled a few words Jimin knew by heart. Reading them felt like listening to Taehyung’s voice speaking those words. His heart tugged at the words. Inside, he knew. He knew Taehyung had to. And it hurt like hell. But Taehyung’s words made him fall even more even as he cried in despair.

Hope is said to be a good thing. The only good that remained in Pandora’s box as every other evil fled out. But that would depend on how we saw hope. Maybe it was an illusion, the worst of evils. Because it made us hopeful, made us wish and dream, maybe for an impossibility, just so it could play with our hearts. The manipulation and gaslighting of the worst kind. On the other side, if one saw hope from different eyes… maybe it was there because it was the only thing strong enough to provide a counter. Maybe hope was the only thing, even when kept with all evils, that could stay alive. Jimin wanted to believe in that hope; the one which made the world shine.
The box he opened might just have been another of pandora’s boxes, which left him with heartache and plight. But the bracelet stood shining like hope, with the words carved on them being the only guiding light…

Je t’aime plus qu’hier moins que demain

THE END

Notes:

It makes me want to cry as I write this last note. This story has given me so much that I can't even put it in words. It has been a part of me for so long now. It has made me smile, cry, pull out my hair, berate myself as a BTS fan, and given me sleepless nights and a lengthy random search history... But despite every difficulty and struggle, it has been a joy to write this story. It has helped me cope and grow. Letting it go is going to be hard af but I'm also very proud of this work and myself.
Idk how you all felt about the last chapter. Idk if you liked the ending or not. I have debated on how to end this for months, agonised over it so much. But then, I realised there is no perfect way. So, I wrote what I felt was right. It's not happy, it's not the end of the world either. It's angsty and very bittersweet, just like this story. The ending is choppy and rushed and fast paced, like, suddenly everything happened in a second and it ended.
I broke off with one of my closest friends lately. And while that has been hard on me, it made me realise that there is no perfect ending. Human emotions, the real deal is like this. Choppy, unfinished and with many loose ends. maybe it's bitter, maybe underwhelming. Idk... But I decided to write it that way...
I hope I was able to do it justice... the end and the story itself.
With this, I leave you all.

Lots of love

P.S.- This is the end of this story. For real. I was debating on an epilogue but decided not to. I left you with hope... take it however you want it to be.

Notes:

Hope you like the story and enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.
Leave a kudo and comment, they make my day.
Constructive criticism is welcome too.

Lots of love!