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~~~
She met her once, and somehow it was enough.
This girl with ruffled hair, a crinkled blouse, and a teasing smirk. Everything about her invited her eyes to linger on her longer. The way she hustled inside the room, the way her eyes twinkled when everyone stared. She didn’t ask for her attention, she took it.
"What excuse do you have for being late?"
Nothing but the teacher’s frightening voice echoed throughout the room. No student dared to even lift a single pen.
She didn't even look intimidated. She simply did not care.
Why?
Sana wanted to ask.
Sana couldn't pin it down, but she couldn't lie to herself that she wasn't a tiny bit curious.
~~~
She hasn’t talked to Momo yet.
Momo was sitting at the far corner of the cafeteria. Hiding in the farthest side of where the attention usually took place, away from the usual place where Sana sat. She was unapproachable.
"Sana, you should quit staring. It's getting weird. It's kinda bothering me, you know," Mina was munching on her usual lunch. A soda and tuna sandwich. "People might get the wrong idea that you like her."
Sana tore her gaze from the girl and stared at her best friend. Resting her chin on her shoulders as she spoke up. "And what if I do?"
"Sana, you can't be serious. She's always in trouble, has too many detentions, second to the lowest rank in the class standing–"
"I'm also at the bottom half of the standings," Sana countered, "Sure she's always late, and a little unruly, but so what?"
So what if I like her?
~~~
The second time they met, Sana did it on purpose, but she made Momo believe it wasn’t.
Something made time slow down. Every inch of her surrounding was still. Both of her hands held a tray filled with fries and soda.
With a perfectly practiced expression. She accidentally tripped and landed the stack of food on a familiar girl before her.
The girl's shirt was soaked. Eyebrows furrowed, confused set of eyes, she looked annoyed. It was not the reaction Sana desired from the girl. However, any expression from her was enough. For Sana, it was enough.
She promised to buy her a new shirt and order whatever Momo demanded as an apology.
She gave her a tiny smile as she dipped some fries in ketchup.
She learned that Momo loved fries.
That was the first time Sana saw that smile. She decided she wanted that smile to stay.
~~~
They were hanging out in the living room. Mina challenged them to another round of Mario Kart, which they already knew Mina would eventually win. Sana didn't expect that Momo could blend in so well with them.
Momo had won Mina's heart by joining her in dance class, they learned the choreography of different groups. Sana was always there to watch them, perfectly content to watch them dance.
Momo wasn't as bad as people made themselves think. Momo was as goofy as Sana. A bit strung up at times but the cool I-don't-care facade evaporates as soon as you give her food or show her a cute dog.
They just didn’t know that her eyes sparkled the brightest when she pets a dog. They just didn’t know her big nose flares when she laughed at a joke too hard. They just didn’t know she looked the cutesShe met her once, and somehow it was enough.
This girl with ruffled hair, a crinkled blouse, and a teasing smirk. Everything about her invited her eyes to linger on her longer. The way she hustled inside the room, the way her eyes twinkled when everyone stared. She didn’t ask for her attention, she took it.
"What excuse do you have for being late?"
Nothing but the teacher’s frightening voice echoed throughout the room. No student dared to even lift a single pen.
She didn't even look intimidated. She simply did not care.
Why?
Sana wanted to ask.
Sana couldn't pin it down, but she couldn't lie to herself that she wasn't a tiny bit curious.
~~~
Sana was outside the school gate. The sky was dark, huge clouds covered the sun. It was raining. Loud and hard.
She cursed to herself.
Why didn't I bring an umbrella?
A roof was above her head but her shoes were already soaked.
Not far from her, she could spot a girl spreading her arms wide, embracing the pouring water. Raindrops were falling against her body, she was smiling without a care in the world. As though she was a 7-year-old playing with the rain, jumping into puddles one by one. The girl was wet–no she was drenched. Her uniform had already plastered to her skin, hugging her small frame. And for the first time, her bag looked like there was something inside it.
It was a sight that did something to her chest. Sana can't explain, nor put it into words, especially when she spotted that teasing smirk. It was the very smirk that took her attention once and made her realize once was.
"Momo!"
The girl looked startled and stopped spinning, she ran towards her with a bright smile she had always reserved for her. At least that's what Sana hoped.
"What are you doing? You'll catch a cold–" Momo pulled her. Letting her get doused by the cascading water.
She squealed, the cool breeze the rain provided was touching her skin, the water was cold just as she anticipated it.
"Momo my bag–"
"It'll be fine. It's about to get dark, we should head home."
Cheeky , Sana would say, but Momo was already offering her hand, and Sana already knew she would never say no.
They walked their way home not missing the opportunity to chase each other on the sidewalk, play with the rain, and jumping into puddles for god knows how long.
Safe to say Sana's notes were ruined, and that her parents scolded her when she got home wet.
She got a cold the next day, but if Momo didn't mind, she didn't either.
~~~
Mina was still with her family in Nagoya visiting her grandparents while she and Momo were having a sleepover in Sana's bedroom.
"Are you sure it's gonna be alright?" Sana couldn't help but to try and hide under their pillow fort in the farthest corner from the window.
It was raining. The clouded dark sky is illuminated by the moon with occasional flashes of lightning. A threatening indicator that a thunderstorm was coming.
On the other side of the bed. Momo hoarded all the snacks. Sana didn't mind. It became their thing.
Sana provides food. Momo eats it. Simple.
It has been an entire year since she met Momo, but Sana couldn't imagine herself without Momo around. It was like she couldn't remember what she did when there was no Momo by her side.
"Mina said we should hang out next wee–" Momo was cut off by a loud roaring sound of thunder. Sana's hands quickly covered her ears as she held her breath and eyes closed shut; to stop the tears. Her body was trembling with fear.
The rain was fine, lightning was tolerable, but the thunder was a different question. Her whole body shook involuntarily. Sana heard the sky roar and wished she wasn't a pathetic girl crying.
"Hey," She heard Momo whisper, it was soft and gentle and tender. The tone alone made more tears fall. The usual playful Momo she knew wasn't here.
"Sana," Momo caressed her cheeks and made her look in those brown chocolate eyes. It was the softest brown orbs she had seen her. "It's fine, you're fine. I'm here, I'll protect you," She cooed.
"You don't know that," Her body was still shaking. She couldn't help it. It was like her body was moving on its own. She hugged her knees in the hope of slowing her rapid heartbeat.
"Maybe that's true, but I would do anything to change that if I could. I will protect you."
Maybe Momo's right
Another thunder erupted, even louder, along with lights flashing.
Sana grabbed Momo, embracing her tight, crying on her shoulders. Sana had always hated thunder, she had always had a huge amount of fear for that terrifying sound.
Momo hugged her. A silent acceptance that she was as helpless when it came to this.
Sana was crying. Momo hummed a lullaby. The sobs stopped. Momo hugged her still.
Sana tried to focus on Momo's soothing voice on every note change, the warm calming touches as Momo circled her hand on her back as she hummed.
She wrapped her arms around Momo's shoulders, gripping way too tight at her shirt. Afraid that any distance from Momo she would crumble.
"Don't leave," Eyes still closed, Sana pleaded.
She was afraid.
"Of course I won't," She kissed her on the crown of her head. "I won't, as long as you need me, I'll stay."
She promised.
Maybe thunder wasn't that scary, after all.
~~~
It was a weekend. They’re in Sana's living room. Mina fell asleep on the couch. The two of them were sitting beside each other watching the remaining scenes of Love Rosie.
"Do you ever imagine that happening to you?" Sana questioned, eyes still plastered on the screen. Momo just nuzzled closer. Her lazy smile, always present as if she didn't have a care in the world.
Sana always loved that about her.
"Imagine what?" Momo's eyes were glued on the floor.
Sana swore she heard Momo gulp.
"Falling for a friend," Sana was trying to calm her nerves as she fidgets her hands. Sana couldn't help but take a brief glimpse to her side.
She was looking at Momo. A girl who saw her as a friend. A friend she had feelings for. The very person she liked the moment she laid her eyes unto.
"All the time," The lazy smile curled to a grin. Sana felt a warm hand touch her cheek. Momo was staring at her lips. Waiting for something. Waiting for Sana.
Sana didn't know if that meant something. Didn't know if that was a good sign.
But Sana grew tired of waiting.
She couldn't wait any longer. She closed in for a kiss. What she could describe as her temporary euphoria. Innocent, sweet, and warm. Words that can only describe what Momo meant to her. What they were. What Sana hoped they'd always be.
~~~
"We got in! Sana, we’re gonna live our dreams!" Momo lifted her in her arms before hugging her tight. She's so glad. "Can't wait for us to be the best students in Seoul!"
"Me too. I can't wait," Sana replied, faking her best smile and buried her face on her shoulders. Hoping Momo wouldn't notice.
She didn't.
Sana was fine with any course, with any school, in any country. As long as she was with her friends. As long as she was with Momo.
They went to the best performing arts school in Korea. Alongside Mina, the three of them went to Seoul to study. Finally making their high school dreams come true. They’re about to study in a big city together.
Sana left her home, and so does her long-forgotten acceptance letter stashed away in her closet.
Momo was enough. Shouldn't she be?
~~~
Mina looked weary. It looked like she had two heads. That or that she really thought she was making a bad decision.
“Sana, you have to take this seriously. I know you love Momo, and you want to follow us both to college, but we’re going to a Performing Arts School. I knew you liked to study more about Psychology,” Mina reminded her, “I think what you’re doing is a mistake.”
Sana grinned, Mina looked extra cute when she was worried. She looked like a cute small penguin waddling across the room giving her a long lecture about college and her future.
“Momo got excited and already sent my application for me. Besides, We’re not even sure if we would get accepted.” Sana gave her friend a reassuring hug, “And you always told me I could dance well. How hard can it be? Dancing seems fun. Being with you and Momo is enough for me.”
Mina gave an exasperated sigh, fully knowing well that she couldn’t stop Sana. Sana was stubborn as hell. If she could have stopped her then she wouldn't have known Momo.
“Okay, at least you know what you’re getting into.”
“I’m not sure of a lot of things, but I know Momo isn’t one of them. I’m sure of Momo. I’m sure of us.”
~~~
"Babe, you almost forgot your textbook!" Sana shouted. Picking up the book right below the bed. Momo had always been messy. Good thing Sana liked messy.
Momo was rushing to the door. Momo was late as usual. They thought that having Sana as her college roommate would do anything for Momo's tardiness.
Mina was wrong.
"Wallet?"
"In my pocket,"
"Phone?"
"Holding it right now," Momo showed her the phone. Dangling it to her to prove her point. Lips curled into a smug smirk. "Babe, we're graduating in a few months but you still treat me like a forgetful teen that's always late for class."
"But you still are," Sana gave her a peck on the lips. Snaking her hands around Momo's waist. As if it was the most natural thing to hold her, to kiss her, to love her.
(In Sana's world, it was.)
"Mina told us it was best for us to be roommates because you'd help me be early," Momo mumbled, nuzzling herself at her neck. She always liked the smell of strawberries and flowers. Sana melted under her touch.
"Can't believe we're telling Mina she's wrong. For the first time," Sana smiled at the thought.
"About time," Momo's eyes glinting playfully, Sana can only hum as a response. Perfectly content with her in her arms.
"Why don't you keep me company for a while? Hmmm," Momo gently brushes her lips at her pulse point. Sana had to hold her breath.
"But you have class–" Momo does things to her. Sana tried to be the reasonable one between the two of them.
"Baby," Momo purred in her ears, she knew how to push every button she had on her. "I'm already late."
A petty excuse, but Sana was only human.
~~~
They normally don't do this. Not when Mina was out there waiting for them to get out.
But Sana was fed up with Momo's teasing. Her dangerous hand under the table, along with that devilish smirk. Momo was waiting for her self-control to collapse.
Every. Damn. Time .
Sana pulled Momo by the collar hard and kissed her. Wanting to kiss that annoying smirk off her face.
Momo lowered her hands, putting them around her waist. Keeping her steady. Welcoming the heat radiating through Sana's body.
Sana's hands were everywhere. Her hair, her nape, then it went under Momo's shirt. The firm muscles contracting under her touch. Trying to look presentable was off their minds.
Momo pushed her on the back of the door. Not caring if someone heard it thud outside. All she could process was she heard a low grunt escape her lip, her racing heart, and Momo's hot lips were on her neck. The thought of someone trying to open the bathroom door was exhilarating.
Momo moves her lips to suck on her neck, making her sigh.
"Wait, what about M-mina–" It took every part of her rational mind to say that when all she wished was the exact opposite.
Momo held her left cheek as her lips returned to where it should. Her lips. She kissed her with need and urgency.
As they both struggled to catch their breath, Momo rested her forehead against hers. She didn't need to open her eyes to see Momo was smiling as wide as her.
"Let her. She's with her girlfriend. I'm sure she wouldn't mind," Her hand skimmed her way from her cheek to her neck torturously slow until it reached her shirt. She popped the top buttons of her shirt.
Someone knocked.
In a matter of seconds, they were jumping at the opposite ends of the room. Momo detached herself from Sana as if they did something wrong.
Well, they were so...
"I swear to god, if you don't bring your asses back at our table I'm gonna kick my way inside and yank you two out of there with or without clothes," Mina hissed at the other side of the door. "Nayeon is looking forward to meeting you."
Momo gave her an apologetic shrug. What's the harm in waiting after they get home right?
They attempted their best to fix their makeup, smoothen the creases on their shirts. Hand combing their hair half-heartedly right before they left the bathroom hand in hand. Not minding what anyone was thinking.
Sana looked at her side. Momo's lips were curved into a smug smile, her upbeat eyes gleaming with amusement.
Mina shot them a not-so-subtle glare, at least Nayeon was nice enough to act oblivious.
If Momo didn't care, neither did she.
~~~
Sana giggled. Momo's hands wrapped around her waist. Momo's fingers were tracing her flat stomach. Momo liked to leave delicate touches when they lay on the sofa. Occasionally, they end up in a silly tickling war.
A typical Saturday afternoon. Curled up on the sofa all day pretending to watch anything but they were there for the cuddles and other things.
Momo took the last pizza from her hand. Sana made a half-hearted whine in protest as she chewed.
Who was she kidding? She loved this woman to death. She'd give her the last piece of pizza in the box, offer her the last cookie in the jar, hand her the last tub of ice cream in the fridge if that means she'd be happy.
"Oh, you know what?"
Sana turned around to face her pizza-stealing girlfriend. Sporting her messy hair, amused eyes, and lazy grin. Momo looked so happy, she was gleaming.
They looked blissful.
"What?" Sana replied, equally playful. She propped an elbow to look at her easier. Beaming as she admired her girlfriend's features.
"I have a confession to make," Momo mused, her finger gently traced Sana's hairline down to her nose.
"Oh yeah? Don't tell me you're actually in love with Mina," Sana suggested.
"How did you find out?" Momo was trying to suppress her smile. She covered her mouth, acting along.
Sana giggled and shoved her playfully, "But seriously, what is it though?" She raised her eyebrow as she beckoned her to answer.
Momo leaned in and snuggled more. Burying her face at the crook of her neck. Momo's comforting warmth never failed to relax her.
"Remember the first time we met?"
"Clearly," Sana closed her eyes and lightly nodded. "Like it was yesterday."
"I knew you did that on purpose," Momo lifted her head and smiled knowingly. As if she just knew all her secrets, like she knew them all by heart.
"Did what?" Sana knew, but that didn't mean she would admit it now. What's the fun in that?
"The fact that you purposely ruined my clothes to flirt with me, you silly," She pinched her cheeks affectionately. Momo was grinning, her eyes were sparkling with fondness. She never changed. Momo was still the same Momo she knew years ago.
"I did not," Sana’s cheeks were heating up, to come and think of it. She was quite… bold . Maybe even desperate.
"Oh, you so did," She gave her a quick kiss on the nose. "Babe, that's okay. I let you."
"Yeah, right," Sana raised an eyebrow, she tried to tug the stupid smile away but failed.
"Yeah I did," She said. "Name another person who'd be that friendly after their shirt got ruined? Baby, just admit that you were so into me that time."
Sana didn't want to justify that with a response and chose to give an eye roll instead. Sana removed the arms of her smug girlfriend and decided to get some ice cream from the fridge.
"So what if I did? How could I not resist that face." She mumbled to herself begrudgingly as she slammed the fridge shut.
"I heard that babe. Don't worry, you're hot too!"
She yelled across the room. She can practically hear her smirk.
Okay so maybe she hated her smirk sometimes.
~~~
“When did you first realize you love me?” Momo stared intently at her face, memorizing every inch of it. Her fingers tracing every visible freckle on it, Momo can spend her eternity just looking right at her.
“Do you remember when you played with the rain when we were in high school?” Sana asked as she was beaming beside Momo. Looking at the almost non-visible stars as they were laying on the grass.
Momo could only nod, she had the widest grin Sana had ever seen. Her eyes were sparkling with admiration.
“I can’t explain it. I was too young to name it love. Maybe I fell for you a lot sooner than that,” Sana explained, “But it was the exact moment I realized I was in love. That was the moment I knew I was in love with you.”
Her heart's so full it could explode. She wished it could always be like this. She wished time would stop and help her contain this exact feeling and stretch it in her entire lifetime. All she wanted is beneath her fingertips, leaning forward to her touch. The moon and stars solely the only witness of a love everyone would envy for.
They kept asking random questions as they stargaze through the night. Most of the time, they were all ridiculous. Like "if we were Korean idols and in love, would you give us a try? ". And every time, Sana had an equally ridiculous answer in store.
"Okay, but what if–by any chance–you knew we wouldn't end up together. Would you still do it all over again?"
But for this one, she did not, but to her favor it started to rain, saving her. Sana thanked the skies, she doesn’t think she’ll have an answer for that one.
Why should I ever have an answer for something impossible?
~~~
Mina just got engaged with Nayeon. It all happened too fast.
“Hey, sit. My future wife will never have to buy her own drinks ever again.” Nayeon said it as if Mina getting another drink was absurd.
Ever the drama queen, but Mina loved to eat it up. The girl was smiling from ear to ear. “I guess you’re lucky I'm not an alcoholic.” Mina retorted,
“I’m lucky for a lot more reasons, baby.” Nayeon gave her a kiss on the forehead before standing and went to get more drinks.
“You snatched a good one.”
“The best one,” Mina corrected, her dreamy eyes were still on Nayeon. “I was really worried when we were little that I would never find the type of love you guys have.”
Sana would sometimes feel guilty for making Mina the third-wheel. She was really glad Mina found Nayeon.
“Who do you think would propose first?” Nayeon grinning, as she returned to her seat.
“Bold of you to assume I’ll marry Sana,”
They all laughed, even Momo. It was such a blatant lie.
“But seriously though, I think Sana would propose first,”
“My money’s on Momo,” Mina raised her eyebrow, challenging her fiance. A small smirk forming on her lips.
It was adorably sickeningly how cute they were.
I hope this could be us soon.
Momo read her mind.
“I will marry you in our own time,” She whispered in her ear. Full of hope. Eyes filled with devotion. It wasn’t just a promise, it was a vow. “It will be the happiest moment of our lives.”
~~~
“Why did you quit?” Momo was frustrated, it was the sixth time asked. “You could’ve–"
“Can you shut up for once? I don't need another mouth nagging me right now. I quit because my boss was always nagging me.”
Getting a job she liked was hard. Momo of all people should know that.
“Hey, babe,” Momo replied, softer this time. “I’m not your enemy, okay? I’m sorry.”
Sana lets her breath go and sighed. She was putting all her frustrations on Momo. She wasn't her punching bag. It was unfair for her to put it all on Momo. She was just trying to help.
“I’m sorry too,” Sana wrapped her arms around her for an apology. She couldn't remember the last time they were like this. Missed this. She missed her warmth. She longed for her comforting touch. “I’m just exhausted that's all.”
“I could take that job at the studio if you like. We could move to the city. It’s huge. I bet there will be more job opportunities out there.”
“I’ll go wherever you go,” Sana promised, “As long as we're together.”
“As long as we’re together,” Momo agreed, kissing her on the forehead.
The future hopefully looked bright.
~~~
Sana didn't expect Mina to become the first one to get married. She couldn't believe it.
What can she say, Nayeon was fast. She had never seen Mina smile as wide as Nayeon made her. They were perfect for each other, Sana should’ve known.
The newlyweds rose from their seats and went to the center of the dance floor hand in hand. Nayeon was looking at Mina, she has this look. Pure adoration, like she worshipped the very floor Mina merely stood on. It left a numb pang in her chest. It looked painfully familiar.
It was a look a certain someone gave her, she… kinda missed it.
At her side, Momo was way too engrossed talking on her phone. Something about work, Sana could tell. It was always about work nowadays.
"Hey, sorry about that. There was some sort of accident in the studio," Momo gave her a sheepish smile. Momo placed her hand above hers, giving it a brief squeeze before lifting her glass of champagne. Eyes still on her screen.
Momo noticed Sana’s lack of response, she offered her hand, "Mind if we dance?"
Sana had never said no to Momo, and she planned on keeping it that way.
It was a perfect time to dance, a slow song was playing, as if it was playing for them. She walked until they reached the dance floor, placing her hands on top of her shoulders.
They were still dancing. Dancing around each other's arms, but why did Sana feel like the song was already over? Why does it feel like they're moving without getting any closer?
It was killing her slowly.
"Babe," Sana paused. Momo stopped and raised her head to look at her. Sana needed to find out. She wished to confirm it before her eyes.
"I love you."
Was it normal to feel like you said I love you to someone so much that it eventually feels like a lie?
She said it millions of times. In different places, in different situations, but right now, for a different reason.
Sana sought her eyes, anticipating her answer. Waiting for something familiar in those brown orbs that melted her heart. Searching for any fragments of the person she once loved ever since they were seventeen.
Please , Sana begged. Look at me like the way you used to.
"I love you too," Momo gave her a peck on the cheeks, as she laughed it off.
She found none.
How did we end up like this? Where did it all go wrong?
~~~
“All I’m asking for is a little bit of your time!” Sana lifted her jeans while Momo was putting on her shirt. She wanted to leave their apartment. She wanted to get away from Momo. Fast.
Momo was putting on her socks, ready to bolt at any second. "As if you would know anything about time. You left your job. You had all the time for yourself, while I need to work my ass off." Momo grumbled to herself. It was meant to hurt her.
It did.
Sana pretended she heard nothing. Normally, she would convince herself Momo didn't mean it, but now she wasn't sure anymore. She wasn't sure about Momo anymore.
She wasn't in the mood to get into another fight. Not today. She was already tired with all the job interviews she went to. She was surely not up for Momo scolding her about her life's choices when she didn't know a damn thing about how much she sacrificed when it came to her career choices.
Sana kept her mouth sealed, she stopped herself from snapping. She just watched as Momo quickly went to the closet and took a jacket to go before storming out of their apartment.
Sana didn't want anything to change, but it did. She knew she couldn't stop it. And that fact left her sleepless at night.
~~~
“Please don’t tell me that you’re wearing that,” Sana pursed her lips, a slight furrow between her brows as she stared pointedly at Momo. Annoyance was evident as the moon glowed under them.
“My outfit? What’s wrong with it?”
It was taking a lot of self-control to not snap back, they were running late again for their double date with Mina and Momo didn’t even bother changing from her work clothes. Sana closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose as she trudged towards their car.
“Nevermind. We’re already late. Let’s just go. Mina’s gonna give us an earful.” Sana was tapping her feet, Momo rolled her eyes as she fished for the car keys.
“Did you get your phone from the couch? You’re always forgetting it. I don’t want to drive back again just for–”
“I have it in my purse.” Sana let an exasperated sigh. Momo should’ve known her phone broke yesterday if she bothered to call her.
“Are you sure?”
“Just drive!”
They drove to the restaurant in silence. They halted in front of the entrance looking for the signal to hold hands. Sana swore Momo flinched at the touch of her cold hand. They plastered the biggest smile they could manage and went inside.
~~~
You're mad? Kiss me.
That was the rule.
Sana always gets home feeling grouchy. Going home from work she doesn't love. Momo always goes home tired. Going home to a girl she doesn't understand.
Momo groaned heavy footsteps filled the empty place they called home. Sana felt lost, nothing about them seems familiar. It’s new, it’s different, it’s worse. She liked the older one better.
Where they were in unknown territory. Untried and chilling. It left her side of the bed cold, leaving her shivering at night with tears, and an underwhelming feeling she couldn’t decipher.
Sana knew a few things, and one of those was Momo. But staring at this woman in front of her, she didn’t know anymore. No sparkle in her eyes, no humor on her lips. All frustrated and tired and distant. Sana doesn't know this person. She wasn't sure if that's still her.
"If you don’t like to be here then go! Leave!" She shouted back, "It's nothing new. That's what you always do, right?" She yelled across the bedroom.
"What?" Momo snapped back in disbelief, storming her way across their hollowed room.
"It's like you're not here anymore. So do both of us a favo–"
Momo pulled her for a kiss. Pouring all her emotions through the kiss. Conveying the things she couldn’t tell. Sana kissed her back with the same intensity. The kiss was feverish and harsh, it tasted like blood.
Momo was like melted wax, it stings at first but you oddly want the burning sensation on your skin. Sana would let Momo smolder her in flames. Sana would chase fire for her. Engulfing her until none is left.
“I want to escape because I feel like I live with a stranger. You used to kiss me whenever I got home. You used to give me this soft smile. Your eyes were brighter when I’m around. Now, all I see is this person staring right into my soul and she screams resentment with her silence. All I see is a ghost of the person I once loved,” Momo muttered, shaky, and hoarse, and raw. Her eyes glistening with tears, red as she tried to keep them from spilling. “You changed. You’re not Sana. You’re somebody else.”
Momo begged for something neither of them knew. Momo was also terrified.
Of what they are, of what they’d become.
Their hearts did not dare speak, that’s why they let their bodies make the move. It was more than willing. So Sana was pushed towards the bed. Removed her shirt and loved her the way her body without fail knew. They knew it was temporary, but it did fill the huge void inside. And neither of them was strong enough to stop.
That night they didn't talk after. It was an entire night where they lay naked, breathing hard, beads of sweat on their forehead. It was wrong, but she longed to feel Momo, longed to feel something. To have her and not just hold her tight.
The night grew colder, the bed looked bigger, her heart felt emptier.
At least Momo holds you at night
It was agonizing. To be skin to skin with someone and feel so distant.
Maybe half of you is enough
Something was missing but she pushed her thoughts away, and let sleep take her. At least it works, but Sana knew it could only work for so long.
That’s Momo. That’s the woman you love.
She lied to herself once more.
~~~
Where am I? What time is it? Why am I here? How did she get here? Is that Mina?
The loud music pushing through her ears clouded her hazy thoughts.
"Let's go home," Mina took her wrist trying to make her walk. “Momo's worried.”
Oh, that’s why
“Sana, let’s go,” Mina tried again.
Sana did not know anymore. She doesn't know what to feel. Momo was waiting for her. She loves her, doesn't she? Sana loves Momo.
I may not love her!
Sana wanted to scream. She wanted to free herself with the truth for once. For Mina. For Momo. For herself.
But I'm trying to. I still am!
All the words were stuck in her throat, it wasn't right. It wasn't right to drag Mina into this. Sana’s hands were shaking, the weight of all her bottled emotions coursed through her entire body. She couldn't say them out loud. It would feel real if she did. As she sobbed she hoped Mina understood. Her warm embrace is the only thing keeping her sane.
"Sana, everything’s gonna be alright," Mina whispered, “You and Momo will figure this out. You guys always do.”
"I'm so scared of not feeling anything anymore. So please, even if it's wrong. Let me still stay." She wasn't sure who it was meant for.
Sana wasn't sad, it was desperate.
Every time I looked at her I all I could think about was a life I could have gotten. A future that I wanted. A job I would’ve loved.
It’s not her fault. I gave my life to her, but she always had her own.
Mina, I'm afraid that I will hate her. I'm so scared that I ended up hating her.
I think I don't anymore. Maybe I even started to hate her. That scares me. When I meet her eyes something burns inside my chest. The mere thought of hating her terrifies me. I can't do it.
Loving her feels like a chore.
But letting her go scares me more.
Sana swallowed words, her chest screamed in agony, she took another shot. It tastes more bitter than sweet.
She walked towards the door. Holding her breath, twisting the doorknob. Sana knew nothing could beat the exact feeling of walking back to fire. Letting it engulf you inside out.
"Where were you–"
Sana kissed her. It was urgent, it was pleading, it was desperate, it was like time was running out. If they were being honest, it was.
It scared her so much that what she wanted to say to Mina was true, but what scared her the most was Momo leaving. That scared her to death. Momo leaving her terrified her.
Just for tonight, she buried all the words she left unsaid. Just for tonight.
~~~
Most of the time, Sana felt like she was living with a ghost. Only appearing at night just to vanish at daylight. But today was an exception.
The crackling white noise of the television in the background was something unusual for her. It was a rare moment to both be free at weekends. They barely spoke to each other when they’re caught up with work.
“You’re not leaving, are you?” Sana asked as she saw Momo rise from the couch when she entered the room.
“I can stay,” Momo offered quietly, it always feels like they were walking on eggshells, and the best way to do that was to steer clear of each other. “If that’s what you want.”
“Stay,” Sana forced a curve line on her lips. She could see the way Momo’s shoulder relaxed. Momo reciprocated a smile that didn't reach her eyes and dialed the phone.
The awkwardness was impalpable. It wasn’t like them. It felt like talking to a stranger.
“I’m gonna order some pizza. Do you want anything?”
“Can you not order Hawaiian pizza? I always hated it.” Sana asked, clenching her jaw. Sana doesn’t understand the bite in her tone. Sana restrained herself from adding more, trying to not ruin the calm mood they had been in for today.
Confusion was transparent on Momo’s face, taken aback by the sudden confession. “All those years and you didn’t say anything… why?”
“Because I was okay with anything.”
“Then why are you saying this now?”
“Because now, I’m not.”
~~~
Momo got down on one knee. Opening a velvet box, showing her a beautiful diamond ring.
Sana knew it was cruel. They both knew it was wrong. Momo didn’t mind, but Sana did.
It wasn't right to keep someone because you want them to stay. She knew she had to let go.
“Will you marry me?”
You have to let Momo go.
"Yes."
Tears streamed down her face, she didn't know if it was even from happiness. Momo decided to ignore the signs and put the ring on.
They were happy with a secret. A secret that neither of them had the courage to expose. They were both the prisoner and the jailor. Holding each other captive. A cruel irony.
They both knew what was going on, especially Momo. She guessed pretending was much better than losing each other. They were stuck, paralyzed in the past, memories holding them in place, familiarity seducing them to say.
~~~
Momo was driving her home in the middle of the night. It was raining. Watching the windshield wipers move lets her mind wander off. The soft drizzle oddly relaxed her.
“When did you first realize you love me?”
“I can’t explain it. I was too young to name it love. Maybe I fell for you a lot sooner than that. But it was the exact moment I realized I was in love. That was the moment I knew I was in love with you.”
"Pull over," Sana broke the silence. Shattering their little world she should've broken a long time ago. They built a castle that wasn't meant to last.
"Sana, we're almost ther–" Momo reasoned out, desperate. She knew what Sana was about to say. She pleaded.
"I said pull over," She repeated, a little harder. It sounded harsher than she intended to. Momo stared right into her eyes and knew what was coming, but no matter how much time she prepared herself for this moment, it was impossible.
She could never handle it, probably she never will.
Sana welcomed the cold sting of the rain. She could be struck by lightning and it will still be a lot less painful than this. Thunder might roar but she feared this moment more.
"Stay," She pulled her wrist. "I'm not begging–maybe I am... just, please. Please stay ." She stared at Sana looking as she was losing her. “I don't want to lose you.”
“You lost me a long time ago.”
Deep down they both knew it was the truth.
She kissed her one last time. Momo was immobilized in time. They held onto the past for too long. It was time to let go.
Tears were streaming down Sana’s face but the raindrops concealed it perfectly. Sana couldn’t meet her eyes, she didn't want her last memory of Momo to be with those dull, tired, and desperate set of eyes.
Sana knew at that moment that it wasn't actually about if she was making the right decision.
It was about making a decision.
Sana gently held Momo's hand. Removing the ring felt heavier than it should. The ring was a prison they were both too scared to escape. Even with an open door, they were so afraid to go.
As she removed her ring, she also finally freed themselves from the chains hardened with memories. She needed to make the decision for both of them.
Sana never walked out on Momo. This was her first, and her last.
As she took those first steps she heard echoes of Momo’s word when things were good before everything eventually went south.
If you knew we would break up, would you still do it all over again?
In a world full of choices, Sana finally chose herself.
"No."
She realized anything should never be enough.
Sana finally had an answer.