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“Who took them?”
Following an abrupt flash of blue light, Five’s voice rings out threateningly in the kitchen, and the Hargreeves siblings all try not to act guilty. Vanya covers her face with her hand, cradling her terrible coffee in the other.
It’s too early for this – she’s already exhausted from staying up until one in the morning watching movies with the others for Luther’s designated ‘family movie night and sleepover’ that they have to attend every month. Part of the whole family bonding thing.
“Um, what are you talking about?” Luther is such a terrible liar. He sounds like he’s trying to remember lines.
“Don’t play dumb with me, moron,” Five hisses, blinking up to jab a finger in Luther’s chest. He’s been having a growth spurt recently, but the height different is still laughable, until Vanya catches a glimpse of the murderous rage on Five’s face, and shakes her head fondly. Even at half Luther’s height and in pyjamas, the old man manages to be twice as menacing. He whirls around to face the rest of them. “I know one of you did this.”
Allison passes him a mug of coffee and says sweetly, “What happened?” It’s impressive how innocent she looks – considering this was all her idea.
“You tell me,” Five says, clearly suspicious. Allison grins.
“Calm down, bro,” Diego says from his seat at the breakfast table, plate of eggs in front of him courtesy of Mom. “I’m sure you’re overreacting.”
“Overreacting?” Five exclaims, managing to sound both insulted and hysterical. “I am not overreacting! One of you stole all my clothes!”
Klaus hums. “Is that really so bad?”
“It was you, wasn’t it.”
“No!” Klaus lies effortlessly. “I would never!” Vanya considers dropping her head on the table.
Diego gestures for Five to sit. “Come on, man, calm down. It’s too early.”
“If none of you want to behave like adults, you know I’ll just figure it out myself and act accordingly,” Five says.
“Oh yeah? How?” Klaus snarks, apparently forgetting that he’s supposed to be innocent.
“Vanya,” Five says immediately, without breaking eye contact with Klaus, “who did this?”
“No, no, no,” Diego protests while Vanya feels her face go bright red. He puts his hand over her face so Five can’t read it. “That’s not fair.”
“So you have something to hide,” Five says. It’s not like he’s wrong.
“I didn’t say that,” Diego splutters. Vanya swats his hand away.
“I was asleep the whole time,” she tells Five, and he rolls his eyes.
“So all of you, then. You all thought it would be funny to conspire together and raid my wardrobe.”
“Except me,” Vanya says, refusing to be associated with the others.
“Except Vanya,” Five corrects.
Allison looks guilty. “Look, Five, we just –”
Klaus nods emphatically and starts talking over her. “—think you need to expand your—"
“You gotta wear something else, man,” Diego says.
“Why? What’s wrong with how I dress?” Five asks, sounding frustrated. Vanya takes a deep breath.
“Cause you’re almost sixty years old and you still wear a school uniform?” Luther says gently.
“Well I don’t recall asking for your opinion,” Five snarls.
“Look, we were kinda sleep-deprived last night and some of us thought, hey, maybe Five should wear something other than school-boy shorts and knee socks,” Diego says. “No harmful intentions, man.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were our resident expert on all things fashion,” Five says, gesturing critically towards Diego’s all-black ensemble and scowling.
“Trust me, I’ve tried to get him to ditch the BDSM gear,” Allison grimaces. “We’re aware he’s not the gold standard.”
“Let us take you shopping!” Klaus says, leaning forward happily.
“It’s not BDSM gear!”
Five crosses his arms. “No.”
“Please?”
“No.”
Vanya’s finished her coffee by now, and she gets up, planning to make a very discreet exit and head home, hopefully unnoticed, before her afternoon lessons.
Unfortunately, they notice.
“Vanya, you can talk some sense into him,” Allison tries, and Vanya backs away.
“No, thank you.”
Klaus throws his arms out. “You’re the only one he listens to!”
“That’s not true,” Vanya says. Five looks sceptical.
“You’re into all that therapy shit, right? It’s not healthy for him to be wearing that uniform. It’s like a, physical memory of Dad,” Diego says, and well, yes, this is true, but Vanya also has a sense of self-preservation and, call her selfish – she still wants to be Five’s favourite.
Vanya shakes her head and moves towards the doorway. “I think he should wear whatever he wants,” she says. “And I think it was cruel of you to burn his clothes without asking him.”
“You burnt them?” Five screeches in his pre-teen voice. The siblings wince.
“We were slightly drunk,” Luther says, quietly.
“You’re going to be slightly dead when I’m done with you,” Five growls.
“Well, I’m gonna go—”
“No!” Allison says desperately. “Five’s going to kill us!”
“You brought this on yourselves,” Vanya says solemnly. She looks to Five. “If you want to come with me, you can borrow some of my clothes.”
“Fine,” Five grumbles. He shoots one last glare at the rest of the siblings. “I hate you all,” he declares, and blinks away. Vanya thinks, personally, that he shouldn’t say things like that if he wants people to stop treating him like a teenager, but she would never say so.
“I’m sorry about them,” she says, when she gets in her car and he’s sitting in the passenger seat with his arms still crossed angrily. It’s nice that he remembered that it’s rude to sit in the driver’s seat without asking the owner of the car. She tries not to smile. “I really didn’t know that they were doing that. I would have stopped them.”
“They’re probably right,” Five grumbles, and she does a double take.
“Um, please never say that again.”
“Shut up,” he says. “Maybe it’s for the best. People might actually take me seriously if I get some new clothes.”
“Don’t get your hopes up,” she murmurs, and he ignores her.
“I never wanted to wear the stupid uniform,” Five goes on. “It was just there. And I think Diego has a point about it being unhealthy.” He says it with great effort. Vanya is internally extremely glad that he seems aware of this. She was going to have to bring it up otherwise.
“So why’d you…” she hesitates. “What was all that, then?”
“I like to watch them squirm,” Five says. “Are we going home, or what?”
Vanya shakes her head, smiling, and drives toward home.
…
“Okay,” Klaus says loudly, clapping his hands. He’s perched on the edge of a shopping trolley. “The most important thing to remember is that I’m in charge.”
Allison pulls a face, “Um, who said that?”
“I did not agree to that.” Five says loudly, from where he stands in Vanya’s shirt that’s a bit too big for him. She thinks it’s kinda cute oversized. Allison does not.
“If anything, I should be in charge,” Allison says now, sniffing.
“Don’t you have a personal stylist?” Vanya asks quietly, and Allison looks betrayed.
“I’m the only one here with any personal style,” Klaus says. “Diego, we’ve already discussed. Luther looks like he’s in camouflage gear—”
“Hey,” Luther says, looking down at his olive-green turtleneck and army-green corduroy pants.
“—Ben’s been wearing the same leather jacket for thirteen years, Allison dresses, well,” he makes a funny face, Allison gasps, insulted, and Vanya smothers her laughter, “and Vanya,” Klaus waves a hand in her general direction.
Vanya feels vaguely insulted. “What?”
“All I’m saying is, Five, would you rather look like a fun, funky, twenty-something-year-old or a sad, repressed lesbian?”
“I think I’m leaning towards the latter,” Five says, eyeing Klaus’ outfit - an electric blue pair of skinny-jeans and black beaded blouse combination.
“I’m not a lesbian, though,” Vanya says. Out of all the things she knows about herself, this is one thing she is sure of and has been for a while. She’s bisexual.
Diego shoves Klaus off of the shopping cart. “You literally dress like a crazy homeless junkie.”
“Your words can’t hurt me.”
“I’m leaving,” Five announces, and Allison grabs his arm.
“No, stay. Give us an hour? Just one measly hour?”
“You have forty-five minutes,” Five says, monotone, and the family starts to scatter.
Allison drags Diego off in one direction, while Klaus sprints in the other. Luther scratches his head and stands with Vanya and Five at the entrance.
“So uh, where do you want to go?” He asks, seeming lost.
“I don’t know,” Five says. “I’ve never shopped.”
Vanya turns to him, frowning. “Never?”
“Well,” Five tilts his head. “I don’t think raiding half-destroyed shops counts.”
Guilt flares up inside her. “Ah, yeah. Right.”
“What section do you usually shop in, Vanya?” Luther asks, perhaps sensing her shift in mood. He can be surprisingly sensitive – they have that in common.
She looks around, surprised, then embarrassed. “Oh, um. The men’s section.”
“Then let’s go,” Five says, taking her by the sleeve and tugging until she walks along beside him, Luther following behind. “The faster we do this, the faster it’ll be over.”
“Didn’t you give them forty-five minutes?” Luther asks.
Five glares at the racks they pass and refuses to answer. Vanya knows that he struggles to say no to them most of the time, and even if he puts up a fuss about this whole shopping thing – if it makes them happy, he’ll endure it. He’s a big softie at heart.
“Ok, we’re here,” he announces when they arrive.
The clothes are… big. Just from looking, Vanya can tell Allison wouldn’t like how they fit – hence why, despite the fact that they’re supposed to be shopping for Five, an adult man, neither Allison nor Klaus seem to have thought of going to the men’s section.
“I like this,” Five says, picking out a suit jacket seemingly at random.
“I don’t think that’s going to fit you,” Luther says concernedly.
“Does it matter?” Vanya asks, taking the jacket from Five and holding it up in front of him while he stands and looks bored. “I mean, all that matters is that he likes it, really. Plus, he’ll grow.”
“I guess he will grow.”
“He’s standing right here,” Five says testily.
“Sorry.” Vanya searches the rack to see if they have the jacket in a smaller size. Luther wanders around to look at something else. She holds up a nice grey shirt. “What do you think of this?”
“I don’t know,” Five says, sounding a little exasperated. “It’s just a shirt. It’s fine.”
“…Okay.” Vanya puts it in the cart and they stand there awkwardly for a few seconds. “Look, I’m… I’m not really good at this kind of thing.” The last time she went shopping was when she went to buy her suit for her ill-fated concert at the Icarus Theatre. She hasn’t told Five that, but… it’s dumb, anyway. She can go shopping and nothing bad will happen.
Five frowns. “Is shopping something you can be good or bad at?”
“I think,” Vanya starts, then stops. “I think so?”
“I have things,” Luther declares, walking over with a mountain of clothes in his arms.
“Oh, wow.”
“Luther, what the—” Five dodges a pair of pants that tumble down from the pile. “What makes you think I need that many clothes?”
“You’re working your way up from zero,” Luther reminds him.
“Because you burnt all my—”
“Okay, let’s see what we have here,” Vanya interrupts gently. She plucks something out – a nice brown jacket. She holds it up. “Oh, this is nice.”
“It’s fine,” Five says. She tries not to groan. He must recognise the expression on her face because he sighs. “But it looks like it’ll fall apart in a strong breeze.”
“Okay, so… you want something durable.”
“Yes.”
She takes out a thick woollen shirt. “This shirt looks strong.”
Five hums. “I like it. Warm and practical.”
“You like the colour?” It’s black.
“Yes,” Five decides. “I like the colour.”
“Okay!” Vanya finds herself smiling, and puts it in the cart with the grey one from before. She turns back to the mound of clothes that covers Luther. “Alright, next…”
…
“There you are!”
Allison, Diego and Klaus jog to close the distance, each with a basket of clothes. They’ve been waiting for a while – they’ve paid, and Five even got changed into one of his new outfits. He looks very smart, and he seems pleased, which makes Vanya happy. When the others show up, however, she can already tell what Five is going to say just from looking at the clothes they’ve picked out.
“I’ve already got my things,” he says, wrinkling his nose. “You can put those back.”
“What?” Allison exclaims. “You have to at least try them on.”
“I certainly do not.”
“You most certainly do!”
Klaus shoves his basket under Five’s nose. “Look! Don’t you wanna broaden your fashion horizons?”
“Not really,” Five says. “I’m content with the familiar.”
“You look like a tiny businessman,” Diego says, looking at Five’s new outfit and pursing his lips. It’s kind of true – Five is wearing a grey woollen shirt with a black blazer and pants. Vanya thinks he looks professional.
Vanya and Five frown. “So?”
“I think he looks professional,” Luther says kindly, and Vanya smiles at him.
“At least you’re not wearing a tie,” Klaus concedes, but he sounds disappointed.
Allison lets out a breath and shakes her head. “Well, as long as you’re happy.” She looks sadly at her own basket. Five fidgets.
“Fine, show me what you got,” he relents, and she grins at him widely. Klaus cheers. “Come on, hurry up. You have five minutes until I snap.”
“Each?” Klaus asks, laughing and digging through his basket frantically.
“No.”
Twenty minutes later, Five leaves with more clothes than any person could ever possibly need, and more than he’d ever wear. Colourful, mismatched shirts and socks from Klaus, practical pants and jackets in monotones from Vanya, earth-toned sweaters that Luther likes, one expensive leather jacket that Diego and allegedly Ben picked out, and a myriad of “fashionable” pieces that Allison says are “staples” of any young man’s wardrobe. Vanya doesn’t know if she believes that, and the whole experience cost more money than she’s ever spent in her life.
But it was fun, at least. And they used Dad’s money, which she thinks is appropriate.
And although Vanya’s apartment isn’t big enough to fit all of Five’s new expanded wardrobe, and Five has to leave some items in his old room at the Academy, she notices him wearing his colourful socks around the house more than once, and she smiles.